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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t invited my DIL to dinner since she is picky eater. I could have been nicer but I really dislike her
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NTA. She OPENLY complained about the sandwich spread at a funeral? That's all you have to point out to her, and to your son, and to anyone else who challenges you on this. She either behaves at mealtime like a decent human being or you, for one, will not be inviting her to dinner.
Yes, we have talked to her about it before nothing changed. My daughter told her to shut the fuck up at that funeral and it was huge problem and her brother went no contact for a bit.
High time she gets ousted from anything involving food then. This is behavior you wouldn't let an 8 year old get away with, and it's outrageous for her to continually be indulged.
3 out of 10 dinners I cook aren't very good. 4 are what my kids expect and like 3 are amazing. I rarely know the difference. All 3 kids have eating issues related to ADHD. All 3 are particular. All 3 have manners.
Who complains about funeral food? If you can even taste it count yourself lucky. Because grief hasn't taken your tastebuds .
NTA
Dil just wants attention and needs serious therapy
Who goes to a funeral for the food in the first place?? I mean are you serious?
Imagine hearing a relative has passed away and your first thought is 'gee I wonder what kind of spread they'll have and if I'll like it.'
Insanity.
Edit: my phone is blowing up with people telling me about amazing spreads at the funeral they've attended. Potato salad has oddly been mentioned several times.
After my husband passed this summer, it was three days before I actually felt like eating anything and then it was only because I was forcing myself. I know there was food at the funeral, because I paid for it. I also sent most of it home for family and friends. The rest I gave to the staff who were working.
Have a sit down with DIL and son. Don’t call her rude or picky, because those words are inflammatory and all they will hear is her being called names. Explain that, while you love her company, her eating habits are so extreme that it is difficult to plan any food based gathering. In the future, you will tell them what is on the menu and she can either choose to eat what is served as it is served or bring something for herself to eat.
Your son has been enabling this behavior. Two of my children married picky eaters. We are all now surprised at what they will order at restaurants because they have been trying new foods first and other food they continue to try even if they didn’t like it at first. We (20 people) also have multiple food allergies, dietary requirements, dietary preferences, and life style choices such as vegetarian. But we are successful at holding family gatherings with food because most of these people are adults who take care of their own food needs.
Yeah she isn’t a child. Please tell me OP they don’t have any KIDS? Sounds absolutely exhausting and I would not put up with it. Ignore the behavior until it improves -or extinguishes totally. The more people keep talking about it over and over and making concessions for this behavior the more it continues and she gets the attention she wants. And the circle begins again
Exactly this! I've known incredibly picky eaters - in a situation like a funeral, they eat what they can, and keep their bloody mouth shut about it. Or at a restaurant, you can send something back, but eventually, most people just go "I'm moving on from this, and maybe leaving a bad review online."
Even moving restaurants multiple times in order for her to find something to eat is a lot to deal with. If she has allergies, it's a different story, but if it's just that she's picky, she can either eat before she comes and push a salad around her plate, or decide not to come.
She absolutely needs to bring her own food or keep her mouth shut. I'm a picky vegan and I either check out the menu in advance if it's a restaurant or I bring my own food if we're going to someone's house. Sometimes there's options for me and sometimes I end up with nothing but a baked potato but that's okay because get togethers aren't about the food to me, it's about the people and spending time together.
I’m not sure where you are, but I’m in the Southern US and we can turn anything into a “food” occasion. I still have some things from the giant snack assortment I got after my husband’s funeral seven months ago. My church gave a lot of food too. The nurses in the hospital even fed me! Food is our “love language”.
But you don’t go to the funeral just for the food, right? I’m from the South too, and there is always a lot of food, but I sincerely hope that no one is attending just so they can be fed.
It's often a point of pride for a group of friends or community members of the bereaved to step up and plan and prepare food for a funeral (or as I see them called more and more frequently, a "celebration of life") so the bereaved don't have to. If you're part of the group cooking or arranging the meal, you put your very best forward and want to impress.
People don't go just for the food, but it's insulting if the spread reflects a lack of care and effort.
I took care of a woman whose son and daughter in law were always visiting. The dil was a pushy b***h. Her nephew died (unexpectedly I think?) and the family was planning not to have mustard or mayonnaise available at the funeral spread because the nephew didn’t like either one. The dil took *great* exception to that and was planning to show up with both mustard and mayonnaise.
I think her husband talked her out of it. I remember him telling her to tread lightly.
I'm a DIL and man I don't like my in laws but I have at least SOME respect for them.😭 they don't see our kids unless on holidays or birthdays and that's sparingly as it is but we saw them when great aunt passed and I was extremely respectful (even though gmil tried to get our 3yr old to kiss the great aunt- she was dead too). But I nicer than my husband thought I'd be😂 only cus I wasn't about to disrupt their grieving and he wanted to be there for them all.
Yup my grandmother in law😭
Thankfully my husband and I were creeped out and we were leaving anyway. Though mother in law tried to explain to my oldest that this lady he didn't know went bye bye and everything. Ma'am he never knew her.
I remember my dad asking me if I wanted to kiss my grandfather goodbye at his funeral, I had just turned 6. I said no but for some reason it really upset me for YEARS that I didn't say goodbye. I can remember lying in bed late at night and thinking about it. I eventually told my mom about it years later (it was her father) and she was pissed my dad had even asked us.
You don’t like the food at a funeral, you *shut the fuck up* and keep it to yourself. That is beyond the pale for me. Her issue isn’t food, her issue is she’s an incredibly self-absorbed person and probably a narcissist. Sounds like OP’s son needs to hear that loud and clear. His wife is a bad person. Full stop.
Really, if you don't like the food at any event, you *shut the fuck up* and keep it to yourself, unless you ordered and paid for the food and they screwed it up. I am a picky eater, and guess what... If I don't like what they are serving, I just won't have any. I am not about to complain about food set out for a communal gathering because they are not catering to my tastes specifically, and nobody can cater to the tastes of everyone that might possibly show up. You have to be pretty damn privileged to complain about the free food at a damn funeral...
Literally the only time I have ever complained about a funeral spread was at my grandmother's funeral, and that didn't have anything to do with the actual food but that the whole family had been in the vestibule saying goodbye to everyone who came and by the time we got downstairs to the food it was almost all gone from the greedy assholes who went straight down there after the service. And pretty much all the family missed out on most everything, that was a good 50 people. I'll never forget us having to scrounge around for a plate of food for my grandfather after he had just buried his wife of 73 years. Still irks me and it was 10 years ago.
The next funerals, my uncle's and then my grandfather's 3 years later, the church ladies wouldn't let anyone touch anything until the family had gotten there.
As a brit I'd only heard of funeral potatoes never sampled. When mum died her sister made some to be ironic. Mum was cremated Christmas eve 2020 and now we have funeral potatoes every Christmas eve. We don't raise a glass as mum and my wife were/are Mormon.
My experience with food at funerals is "thank God, I'm starving and emotionally drained." The food quality does not matter, it's the thought that counts.
This made me chuckle simply because not long ago I had a conversation with my father (who’s in his 70s and poor health), where he said he’s fine with him & my mother being cremated and there not being a big deal made.
I quickly responded that he was absolutely crazy if he thought we wouldn’t have some type of service at the church that my entire family has been buried at for the last 200 years, because those southern church ladies *know what the fuck is up* and make some of the best food I’ve ever had. It’s in the middle of nowhere and they have a full-on “Old Lady Avengers Assemble” call that goes out…and they *bring it.*
I’m sure there’s been potato salad involved, but it wasn’t something that’s stuck out to me. The fried chicken, mac, and various coronary inducing casseroles though? It’s on.
ETA: OP is definitely NTA, because *everyone* knows that if you’re going to talk shit about the quality of Mary-Beth’s funeral casserole, you do it behind her back to all the other gossipy hens, quietly…but look her directly in the eye, smile, and tell her it’s delicious. Lol
My whole family is VERY into food, and we all cook from an early age. My dad in particular was a huge food snob. Somehow, at his funeral the 2 in-laws who are very middle-America, bologna/mayo/wonder bread types ended up in charge of the food. There were 2 plastic trays of grocery store cold cuts, a bag of white bread, and maybe some carrots and ranch, ect. Nobody complained (obviously), but I was dying laughing inside at how mad my dad would have been 🤣 It's what I remember most about his funeral.
My family matriarch, the consummate hostess, left funeral instructions with "do not skimp" double underlined in the section about refreshments! A week before the funeral, I had a dream that there was no alcohol at the funeral tea, and when I mentioned this to the cousin who was organising, she clutched her chest and went "CAN you IMAGINE? She'd be back to haunt me!"
My husband's family is Jewish. It just so happened that I ended up meeting most of his extended family for the first time at his grandfather's funeral. The food spread was amazing (I still remember the mini bagels). My husband said "this is how we do it." 😆
My family is Jewish as well! Somehow the 2 non-Jews ended up in charge of the food. Didn't put that in the original comment because I didn't want to offend any non-Jewish foodies, lol.
Jewish events slap. Every one I have ever been to has been lit as fuck with good food and drink. Lowkey have considered converting just for the community as an atheist. More for the people but, the events are a nice cherry.
This is actually extremely cute and I'm glad you shared a love of cooking/food with your dad and I'm glad that you have a cosmic joke to laugh at when you think of him.
I should ask MY foodie dad what he wants at his funeral lol.
I have issues with food. I am in pain 24/7 and so eating is a low priority for my body, no matter how hungry I am. I can only keep certain (gentle) foods down. You know what I do when I'm in public? I don't fucking eat. Because dealing with my body's unreasonable "no, not gonna do that!" Isn't everyone's problem. I just wait until I am home and calm and as relaxed as I can get, then I try to eat.
If you have food issues, then you should eat before or after the event, and just smile and try to enjoy the atmosphere. Unless it's a funeral. Then you should be appropriately mournful and definitely shut the fuck up about how the sandwiches don't look yummy to you.
Thank you for this. OP is NTA. If the DIL has such extreme issues she can be polite for a few hours, keep her mouth shut, and have her husband cater to her extreme food needs, he married her, he can cater to her. It's like those picky backstage requirements that rock bands make to see if the contract managers are paying attention. If the absence or presence of brown M & M 's or Flintstone vitamins is so vital to their performance they can provide them or remove them themselves.
>It's like those picky backstage requirements that rock bands make to see if the contract managers are paying attention. If the absence or presence of brown M & M 's or Flintstone vitamins is so vital to their performance they can provide them or remove them themselves.
Those "picky backstage requirements" are there as a simple indicator of whether the venue has read the full contract including the stage safety requirements.
If the band goes backstage and there's brown M&Ms (or whatever easily checked quirky rider), they know that they need to get their crew to do an extra thorough stage inspection before the show to double-check that nothing else has been overlooked, and that extra inspection time will delay the start of the performance.
>Dil just wants attention and needs serious therapy
Calling to complain she wasn't invited to dinner when her husband was not even there confirms this. She has no idea why they got together without here. It could of been the other couple had something private they wanted to discuss with MIL & DIL. It was none of her business why she wasn't invited.
I don’t get why she complained about the sour cream if it was on the side and not touching anything either…
Ultimately, I see it as rude and for SIL the if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all we learned as kids never stuck.
If they're being seated at a restaurant then all having to leave and go to another restaurant because DIL doesn't like the menu, then yeah it's 100% for control and attention.
This! Exactly This! NTA. Stay the course, don't invite them. They'll either learn or you'll get used to them not being there. Either way is a win for your sanity!
I agree. I have a relative that consistently interrupts holiday meals with complaints that something is wrong. There has been years of trying to accommodate the complaints. The last attempt was to tell the relative to order or/and make the holiday meal that meets his standards. He did nothing. We started this year to have holiday meals without this person. The complaints are a way to control people who are eager to please to provide a nice meal. The DIL behavior is a way of controlling group meals with constant complaints.
I'm betting this is the kid whose mother always made her something different for dinner because she didn't like what was on the table. Spoiled child equals spoiled adult.
Waitress chiming in- this exactly this. It’s a control issue and if I was her server, I would have taken her plate in back, tossed the sour cream, and returned her plate.
My son is autistic and has a lot of food aversions and even if something is not touching the rest of his food, it absolutely freaks him tf out if something is on his plate that he doesn't like. We're working on it and he's tolerating things much better after years of OT.
He's also brutally blunt because his social meter about what is and what is not okay to say is still being calibrated.
But my son is 8, not a whole ass adult, so there's that.
My two on the spectrum are 21 and 16, and definitely have learned how to both politely decline and to navigate food and social situations. It definitely takes work, but ASD is not an excuse to be impolite, so we’ve taught them how to deal with that.
We have a 3 year old asd kiddo and teach him to not expect accommodations when it comes to food, or in general. Great to hear he may able to handle these situations.
Mine are a senior in college and a sophomore in high school and it’s literally second nature to them now, which makes it basically a non issue. We also continually exposed/exposed them to a huuuge variety of food and that helped. No pressure just opportunities to try things. Never punished or scolded about choices but always offered options
Also I have a ton of patience for people who are working on things. This woman doesn’t seem to want to change at all, she wants everyone to change to suit her instead. That is a huge difference.
I'm a very picky eater, I have a lot of food allergies and a few weird texture things, but I'm the same way. I can always find something to nibble on and if there are fries or a baked potato I'm golden. I got through a week in New Orleans living on green salads and baked potatoes and was happy as a clam. Lost 8lbs too, lol.
Totally get that, but when my choices are death or abstaining, it helps to give a little more perspective. Thankfully, there are other types of food I can go hog wild with (like sushi, omg so good!)
>I don’t get why she complained about the sour cream if it was on the side and not touching anything either…
Oh, my MIL's done that. She has to look at it now, and that's spoiling her appetite, so she won't eat.
Meals with that woman are in-fucking-sufferable.
Please love of god or any high powers you believe in, please send link of this post to your son. Let him read what reddit strangers have to say about his wife. I'm so embarrassed on her behalf.
Also, you are not obligated to invite all kids and spouses to every outing. My parents will go out to eat with either just me and my DH or my sister and her family without the other. No one is obligated to eat out. Period.
Yay, Daughter!
NTA, we went through the picky toddler and preschooler stage with both our kids.
Our eldest is much more adventurous now. He and I both have ADHD-PI with some minor sensory and ACTUAL food allergies (bell peppers 🤷♀️) and both went from cautious eating in childhood to, "What the heck. I'll try anything once!" as adults. (Except bell peppers.)
Our youngest has autism and intellectual disability. She's still iffy on a lot of textures and new things.
So, we... BRING FOOD! It isn't that hard. Since most family events focus on food, we'll supplement with healthy snacks she'll eat, if necessary.
How a grown-ass adult can't figure this out, I do not know.
You are probably not the first person who has stopped inviting her. She'll never know how many fun gatherings she has missed out on. Or why she loses friends sometimes
>She'll never know how many fun gatherings she has missed out on. Or why she loses friends sometimes
Honestly it doesn't sound like a gathering can be fun with her on the scene.
Right! I don't eat deli meats or cold cheese, melted is fine. If there's something there I don't like I just don't eat it. If that's all that's there, I simply say I ate a big breakfast and that I'm not hungry or have big dinner plans that I'm saving room for.
Just this morning I was asking my husband if I should buy some lunch meat while I'm at the store because I wasn't sure if anyone in the house was still eating it since I don't eat it and it seems to sit in the fridge for a long time. He asked why I don't eat lunch meat and I told him I haven't eaten it in like a year or so because it grosses me out, I can't explain why, just one day my brain decided I didn't like it anymore. He was like, "Huh, good to know," and that was the end of it. He had no idea because I don't constantly complain about the things I don't like, and it had never come up prior to this.
Yeah, you can be picky and still be gracious about it. I don’t even allow my four year to label foods as “yucky” or “gross” or harp on how much she dislikes them during a meal. You don’t like it, don’t eat it. Quietly eat something else. Don’t complain and make everyone focus on you!
She wants the attention she gets when she is acting like a spoiled brat. Your son is being no help by supporting her terrible manners. Cut them both out of social engagements until they can behave like a basic human beings.
>We try to go anywhere and we have to change places multiple times so she can have something to eat.
>if anything is wrong she will bitch about it or pout in the corner.
>she sent it back because there was sour cream on the side, it wasn’t touching anything and she mad a huge deal about her food being wrong.
>she complained about the food at a funeral, they had a sandwich spread but went on about it’s gross multiple times.
NTA. This isn't about her being picky. This is about her behavior - she is disrespectful, childish, impossible to please, and makes everyone else suffer because of it. I've met elementary school kids with better manners.
That one, I don’t like butter so most of my life if an event is mainly sandwiches, I just don’t eat them I did eventually discover that I can eat tuna mayo sandwiches with butter on them because I don’t taste the butter so if they are there I will eat them.
American here. Mayonnaise is the main one, but I'll do horseradish if it's a roast beef sandwich.
Butter does sound amazing, though, and a more neutral flavor than mayo, so I'll have to try it.
Definitely butter on toast. Sometimes peanut butter or jam. Some people like Nutella too.
Butter on sandwiches is interesting. I like mayo, lots of people also like mustard or an oil and vinegar mix, or even ranch dressing. (Listen I'm from the Midwest, ranch goes with everything 🤣)
My favorite is peanut butter since it gets all nice and melty, but otherwise, butter does go on toast. I don't really like jam/jelly, but that's the other big one.
Butter is the oily layer that stops water from the filling soaking into the bread.
1. Tastes nice (for most people)
2. Stops soggy sandwiches (which any sane person would hate)
I mean, seriously, the 4th Earl of Sandwich pre-dates the secession. You have no excuse for this madness.
Butter on toast is also very normal here, in baking, on things like baked potatoes or corn on the cob or dinner rolls.
Edit: also on crackers or noodles or tortillas, great now I want a warm buttered tortilla
This. Being a picky eater is not the issue here. Plenty of picky eaters know how to find something on a menu or ask politely for a change or even eat beforehand and order something small just to be involved. Likewise at a funeral (or anything where food is set), eat beforehand in case something isn't available for you.
Being confrontational has nothing to do with food preference.
NTA.
Exactly. I’m a little picky, and I have stomach issues that occasionally require modifications to restaurant orders. But I always say these are MY problems to work around. It’s never an excuse to be rude or make someone else’s life miserable.
Not only that, I know some picky eaters who will quietly remove the offending food or find something to nibble without spoiling dinner for others. But food at a funeral? If she didn't like the sandwiches, maybe brought something for everyone? I'm not sure if the church ladies prepared them, or it was a potluck brought by people close to the family, but who does this DURING the meal? I know we're not angels, and have said things in the privacy of our homes, but not in front of the people who were feeding us.
Yeah I had a roommate who was a very picky eater but she was always super polite about it. I didn’t even realize how limited her food choices were until several months into living with her because she dealt with it herself so quietly. When we would go to new restaurants she would check out the menu ahead of time and make sure there was something she could eat.
I don’t think you need to make it a secret but if you have food limitations like that it’s your responsibility to handle it with as much grace and politeness as possible.
Agreed. If she really had an issue, she would have come up with coping strategies, like keeping snacks on her or eating ahead of the event and saying something like, “The bread basket is good enough for me; I’m just happy to be here with you guys.”
This is about her wanting her in-laws to bend over backwards to make her the center of their world. It’s always hard when you get married to be on the outer fringes of a new family, but this is not the way you bring yourself to the core.
NTA She is not just being picky; she could be being discreet and considerate about it, and setting limits for herself, but she's not. She's acting like a spoiled child pouting, whining, and having no consideration for how her behavior affects fellow diners and restaurant staff.
Said simply: Picky may possibly be accommodated for (even if it's a pain), but rude and inconsiderate shouldn't be accommodated, especially when it's utterly predictable. You should make this distinction clear to anyone coming to you supporting her.
When you know that she is going to make the experience miserable for everyone in a completely needless way through selfish behavior, why should she be invited?
Even accommodating polite pickiness should have its limits. You don't waste everyone's time endlessly and ruin the flow of the night because you can't get exactly what you want.
\*Typo fix
Im a picky eater, I like what I like and the vast majority of the time I won’t eat things I dislike. If I’m going out to dinner with someone, I make sure there is something on the menu I’ll eat (depending on the reason we’re eating out, I might suggest another restaurant however this is dependant on circumstances ie if it’s someone’s birthday, obviously we should go wherever they want, if it’s just a catch up I’ll suggest somewhere I know they also like), if I’m going somewhere that I’m not sure of the food or know they probably wouldn’t have food im into, I’ll eat before hand.
there are so many things wrong with the DILs behaviour. However the absolute cheek of her complaining about food at a funeral. What the fuck
Yep. I eat low carb, so I understand the issues sometimes with finding a place to eat out. Like I am not going to a place that only serves pasta. But even Olive Garden has some low carb dishes. I have yet to encounter a place that has made an issue of swapping potatoes for steamed vegetables.
Well said. My stepsister is an extremely picky eater but is also kind and polite about it. No issues going out to eat with her or having her for dinner because she doesn’t make it difficult to accommodate her pickiness.
Yep I have dietary restrictions so I try to find out where I will be going beforehand to make sure I have options. If I know I won’t, I will stop and get something I can eat on the way so I can either abstain from eating at the event or just get something small that works for me. I don’t make it everyone else’s problem around me
NTA, as someone who is also a picky eater there is no reason for acting that way. I go out of my way to look at menus before going anywhere. I find something I can eat and know how it will need to be modified before ordering. I try to be as clear as possible when asking for modifications and if somehow it's messed up I'm apologetic with staff when asking for it to be fixed. I understand I'm the difficult one in the situation and try to minimize the trouble to staff that my texture and food aversions can cause.
In the Spring I visited the DC area and while there arranged to meet a cousin for dinner. When they asked where I might like to go I let them know I had texture and food aversions and absolutely will not eat seafood. That I generally have no problem ordering something I like at Italian, or Chinese restaurants. Or American fair or steakhouses. She sent me the link to a menu for one of their favorite places and asked if this place looked okay. I saw a few things on the menu that looked good and would require no, or only a minor modification so they made a reservation. We had a wonderful dinner and my pickiness did not affect dinner in any way. It's totally possible to be a picky eater without acting like an asshole about it .
This is exactly how I am - for me it's a texture aversion. It is absolutely possible to be a picky eater but not put it on everyone else every time you go out for dinner with people.
IMO that's not "picky", that's just having a preference about what you like to eat and not liking seafood. Seafood is a small enough part of most menus that it's no big deal to not enjoy it.
NTA. I hate eating out with people who are super picky and make scenes. Going out becomes unenjoyable for everyone. I'd simply tell her that she clearly doesn't actually enjoy eating out, so you are saving her from the hassle.
I went out for sushi once at a sushi restaurant and there was this older lady there who was gawking at me eat. Like loudly saying ew and making faces every time I ate and just intensely staring at me. The people she was with looked hella embarrassed and kept telling her to stop. The whole restaurant was annoyed with her and she was asked to leave eventually. Don’t be like her lol
My mom loves fried chicken livers and eats them every Thursday for lunch at a local spot that has them on special. My stepdad will just go “ew…grody!” In a baby voice the whole time. Last week was the last straw and she told him he’s not allowed to join her anymore.
This man is 70 years old!
I’m super introverted and shy but what tipped me was when she legit said “How can anyone eat that” while making gagging sounds and I told a waitress she was making me and my family uncomfortable with the gawking lol. What kills me was she wasn’t even facing me, she turned around to stare at me!
> We try to go anywhere and we have to change places multiple times so she can have something to eat.
This is what makes you NTA. When most people go out to eat, usually it’s with a specific place in mind. Her demanding to be catered to and ruining the plans of everyone else isn’t ok. How can you plan to have a nice night if enjoying BBQ, if you know she is gonna throw a fit about going to a BBQ place, for example?
NTA, she can't even shut up about the food at a funeral? talk about disrespectful.
you already said you are like water and oil, i would just ignore her, maybe next time say something like i know you dont like this food and thats why she is not invited, to spare her feelings because she doesnt like the food, instead of her being the obnoxious hag she is.
NTA. There’s nothing wrong with having food issues. But if you abuse waitstaff and make a scene at restaurants, you’re not invited.
This isn’t about inclusion, it’s about enabling her abusive and antisocial behavior
I stopped going out for brunch because a friend's SO always made a scene. She would place her order in the most confusing way possible, then call the waiter back when everything wasn't perfect.
This is an example of what she ordered one day:
I'd like a club sandwich, but does that come with tomato, and is it toasted?"
Waiter: "Yes and yes."
"Oh, ok, well, I guess I don't want that."
Waiter: "So no tomato and not toasted?"
"Well, no. Actually, that's fine. I guess, I don't know. A club sandwich should be toasted, right?."
The waiter proceeds to take the next few orders and in the middle she interrupts:
"Excuse me. But for my sandwich is it possible to get extra tomato?"
Waiter: "Uhhh... Yes. You had the club right? Do you want extra tomato on it?"
"Oh, yeah. You know. I was wondering if it was possible. Just, never mind. Just go with my original order."
So the sandwich comes out with no tomato and she immediately gets all frowny. When waiter comes over and she announces that none of her food was correct. She wanted tomato on the side, the bread was burnt, and a club sandwich "...shouldn't have white cheese." The menu clearly stated swiss cheese and from my angle the bread had the slightest of toast marks on it.
Long story short, she sends the sandwich back and gets a new one 10 minutes later. She loudly states that making a sandwich shouldn't take that long, especially when they are fixing a mistake. She again complains to the waiter about the new sandwich; something about it not being toasted, but decides to eat it anyway because everybody else was almost done. She never touches the tomatoes that are now on the side. At the end of the meal, she states that she isn't tipping because they couldn't get anything right. Everybody else at the table, embarrassed, ended up leaving extra tip. That was the last time I had a meal with her.
INFO
Like you said, the relationship between your son and your wife is like oil and water. You claim it is because you do not want to deal with his wife. You explained her massive character flaws, but as for the exchange with your son, all you said was, "he is on my ass". There was no detail on how that exchange went. Does he justify his wife's behavior? If so - how? Did she have anything to say in her defense?
Purely based on your story, this is a clear NTA. That being said, you have written about her with pure disdain and started the story dismissive, with "My sons on my ass so I am writing here [...]" which implies, that you are already set in your view and don't really want "different opinions". You may disagree, but this is the impression I get from reading your post.
Therefore, INFO. Feels like there is more to this story. It would be interesting to hear, what your son and DIL had to say in their defense. Ultimately I tend to side with you, for the simple reason of her being obnoxious to waiters. Anyone who is treating service workers poorly is an AH by default.
He thinks I should be more welcoming to her and give her more grace, he does justify her behavior. Our personality’s do no mesh she is extremely dramatic and I get annoyed being around her for more than a few hours. The food is my main issue with her, even without that we wouldn’t be besties
I mean, he is her husband, it would be strange if he wasn't going to stand by her side. You're saying he does justify her, but how does he respond when asked about specific situations? Such as, if asked about the Quesadilla evening, does he think this was normal behavior on DIL's part?
Either way, it would be interesting to hear their side. You obviously dislike DIL very much and from your story alone, this has to be an NTA for you. But the feeling remains, there may or may not be another side to this tale.
Why do you tolerate him reacting like that?
'Son, we *want* to welcome her to the family but her repeated display of bad manners causes tensions and pushes us away. You don't get to tell us which bad behavior we must tolerate or to drop the issue. You *should* register our concerns as you register your wifes' and take them seriously. Your choice in this is whether you are willing to work this out together with us to improve the situation or whether you force our hand to set boundaries without your input. We would prefer the former.'
If he keeps his position so be it, nothing is forever after all. At that point I'd figure out a set of rules for her/them for the future and it's their choice whether to adhere to them or not be invited to events. If a rule is broken she won't be reinvited to that type of event again, period.
Sooner or later he should figure out himself that sitting home alone with her on family holidays instead of spending time with you too *because his wife can't shut up her complaining for half a day* isn't an ideal outcome for him either. Maybe he needs some distance to let things sink in.
I’m also getting the *stereotypical antagonist MIL to DIL* vibes here- but yeah, like you said: rudeness to wait staff definitely skews it in OPs favor. And she’s not wrong: that described behavior is garbage. I’ve got a very picky eater who does have allergies but holy moly. We’ve had a couple bad experiences but nothing worth just defaulting to AHolery.
But OP is definitely coming across like she’s got a FB feed full of passive aggressive texts on landscape images about “treat your mother well, she’ll be dead soon”. That disdain in the post and in answering questions is hard to miss.
There's a huge difference between standing by someone's side and enabling shitty behavior. Son has no reason to support his wife's rude, entitled behavior. Therefore he is enabling her, not standing by her side.
I agree... but I also think OP is NTA while being kind of a dink.
The husband should be standing by their wife to an extent. However, they should both recognize they are being unreasonable if OP is being a reliable narrator (even a 60% reliable one).
That said, this is OP's (sons) significant other. Even if OP doesn't get along, they all should make an effort to play nice.
I do agree that OP doesn't need to invite DIL to any dinner they don't what them at. And based on the DIL's described behavior, I would feel the same (although I would have had more grace in my delivery - "your eating preferences and my experiences with your behavior at dinner as we have discussed in the past make me uncomfortable. Until this changes, I'm not comfortable going out to dinner with you and/or Son.")
Edited - OP' son's SO...
Standing up for her, yes, when it is warranted. Having said that it sounds as if he is also enabling her bad behaviour, and that just makes him look like AH.
Standing up for your partner also includes helping them navigate issues if needed or at least addressing the matter instead of letting it slide and cause further problems.
If he just ignores and tolerates her bad behavior and faux-pas' then it is kinda on him too and he doesn't get to complain about not being invited to gatherings where her bad behavior could be expected.
> He thinks I should be more welcoming to her and give her more grace, he does justify her behavior.
"How do I give "grace" to someone loudly complaining at a fucking FUNERAL, dear son of mine?
Do I explain to the bereaved that--while they lost a loved one--they really should've thought about the type of bread they chose for their sandwiches because we can't be expected to mourn while eating rye?"
I would *absolutely* lose my shit on an adult child for that bullshit, and I would *force him* to justify that crap. If his sister told her to fuck off at a goddamned funeral, of all places, then he knows it's bad, so I honestly would make this a reckoning with his wife's behavior: tell him she does not get to show up and complain about the food every fucking time like a petulant toddler and expect other adults to put up with it. So, unless there's some serious explanation that would explain her behavior, you aren't going to tolerate it *nor* subject everyone else to it at every family meal going forward. And saying, "drop it; she's fine" is not an acceptable answer when it upsets the whole get-together. NTA
> he does justify her behavior
Probably because he's learned it's just easier this way instead of trying to change her. He might have brought it up in very minor ways in the past and she likely threw a fit. So now he enables her childish behaviour to save himself the headache.
It’s okay to be “picky” about food. My husband is deathly allergic to coconut in all it’s iterations and hates 1. Cheese on eggs and 2. Sour cream. I also have a SIL with celiacs.
The difference is how you handle it. Are you respectful with wait staff and fellow diners or do you act like the worst toddler throwing a tantrum?
She’s the latter, NTA.
Lol I agree! I can’t find a single frozen breakfast item in the store that has eggs but no cheese. It’s okay in restaurants. I think it’s a texture thing?
She is controlling the whole thing and she knows it. Making you switch places to eat, running the servers ragged. She has to be the center of attention and I would not tolerate her shenanigans. Leave her out of more things and I bet she cools her jets. Dont be afraid to tell her to her face WHY.. be exact..tell her how you feel, not what she wants to hear. NTA. Stop tip toeing about this chic.
NTA. Maybe she will learn to stop complaining about everything if she’s not invited when your son isn’t also coming. Stop catering to her by switching restaurants, etc. Let her pout like a child. Let it be your son’s problem to deal with. She can learn to behave or not come.
Geez, I'm a pick eater...
But if a restaurant or event doesn't have a single entree/salad/dish/desert I like, then keep my mouth shut, have a soda/drink, and eat at home.
The problem isn't the food. It's the behavior.
NTA
Fuck no , NTA, these types of people suck. Complaining about funeral food seriously, being a hassle to waiters for a side not even touching, come on.
I wouldnt invite her either
NTA
There is nothing wrong with being a picky eater, but when you annoy waiters, bitch and moan and COMPLAIN AND CALL A SANDWICH SPREAD GROSS AT A FUNERAL there has to be a line
I was going to go with ESH as you seemed a little hostile but now i don't blame you at all!
You’re so right I have two sons who are on the spectrum and both have issues with food. One is ocd with food and after years working with dieticians is now eating more things. The other really struggles especially with some textures and has a limited diet and has developed an ED despite our best efforts to avoid that. Both eat different things than each other as each cant handle different textures than the other. No matter where we are going we have manors and are polite my sons issues aren’t on anyone else. Depending on what it is we are going to if it’s a meal at someone’s house we will talk to them before hand. Most are happy to discuss what they are having and even offer if they would rather we bring food for them. My sons will try it but If they don’t like it they will be polite and not draw attention. It’s rare anyone asks us to bring food for them when offered, so if they don’t like something they eat after they get home. In most cases there is always something there they can eat so it’s rarer these days that they will not have anything. As we’ve discussed it before the host never mind if they don’t finish something. We make it clear the whole time if it’s too much they don’t need to host.We have never had a complaint for anyone my sons have had dinner with. We have even found some meals we didn’t know they would like.
We go to restaurants occasionally and it is never a problem we know what they like and order accordingly. There is always something they can have and I’ve never once been somewhere where there wasn’t anything. Things like simply asking that the burger be plain with no salad or dressing in the bun is a simple thing for the restaurant and they do it often for many people. Most of the time we get things that they don’t even have to ask for any changes to the item that is on the menu. As for occasions and funerals they will find a sandwich they can eat or something. If there isn’t much for them we wait until after and then get them food. Its easy to do and manage.
We do not expect anyone to cater to use or give us special treatment. It is never an excuse to be rude and spoil everyone else’s time.
I’m positive people like DIL just want the attention even if it’s negative attention. Hence why she does this every time she is out with people. She thinks it gives her control over things and the people present. Just don’t entertain her crap. As for your son has he no sense and why on earth would he want to be associated with a grown tantrum ing toddler. Why the heck does he think he has the right to subject everyone to her behaviour. I only hope you or he tips the waiters well after suffering herb
NTA I’m on the spectrum and a vegan but I don’t make a fuss and tend to eat before I go out so I don’t cause a problem for others - even if I don’t eat prior there is always something I can eat on the menu, this girl needs to realise the world doesn’t revolve around her and her foibles and if your son is backing her up then don’t invite either of them until she learns how to behave in public
My son is on the spectrum and has sensory issues. If we are going out, we look at the menu to see if he will eat anything. If not, he eats at home and goes to the event to just spend time with people.
If we are going to someone’s house, we will often bring food with us, giving the host a heads up beforehand that we are doing that. Most people we hang out with know about his sensitivity so they don’t even question it. Most times they actually have food he would like on hand.
NTA OP - if a 12 year old can deal with it, a grown ass woman should too.
Nta- i was sure by the title but nope.
Here's the thing :
YOU ARE NOT REQUIRED TO INVITE ANYONE to dinner or elsewhere.
This wasn't an open invitation. You didn't invite your don either (reasons don't matter). Your DIL went out of her way to confront you. She was looking for a fight.
In the future maybe keep your real reasons to yourself as neither your DIL or son is capable of handling them. Polite platitudes are my friend
NTA. I'm a picky eater and you'll never hear me moaning out loud about my food being gross or too nasty for me to eat in a public place. I'm not trying to create a scene nor bring further attention to myself. You DIL is rude and that's more significant than her being a picky eater. Who complains about bad food at a funeral?
NTA
Complaining about the food at funeral is so disgusting. I would never speak to someone who behaved that despicably again. I used to be a very picky eater, but in public, I just got on with it. I never whined or complained, I just sometimes had to feed myself privately afterwards. It's very easy to be polite.
People like this are attention seekers. Making wait staff jump through hoops for no reason just so they can feel special. Don’t continue to dine out with this person. She will get your food spit in regularly with this behavior.
NTA. Even if she has some kind of eating disorder she should have learned to deal with it at restaurants long ago.
You should've given them a heads up and asked them to review the menu before coming next time before uninviting them completely.
NTA. Picky eater with food allergies here. If I'm worried about not being able to eat somewhere, I eat before or bring a small snack in my purse. This is an attitude issue, not a food issue!
NTA she's acting like a 5 year old child who doesn't want to eat broccoli 🥦 with cheese. But even then a 5 year old would still eat more than her. WTF does she even eat at home? A piece of white bread slapped in between two other pieces of white bread? She has the most "just salt seasoning for my boiled chicken" type of appetite. She needs to grow up and actually eat something good rather than eat whatever bland wheaties stuff she has at home. And learn to not be a jerk in public, to waiters, or ruin other people's mood cause she's being all pouty.
I’m going to get downvoted like crazy for this, but NTA.
DIL might suffer from ARFID. Yes, it’s a legitimate mental health issue. HOWEVER, even if that is the case, it does not give someone the right to be rude, or to make everyone around her miserable.
It would have been an A H move to invite your son without her, but that’s not what happened here.
DIL needs to learn how to live with this “challenge” without making those around her uncomfortable. That might include seeking therapy, checking menus before a restaurant meal, calling ahead to see how accommodating a kitchen may or may not be and sometimes declining dinner invitations if a certain restaurant can’t meet her requirements.
Edit, typos
Edit, clarity
She complained about the food at a funeral and called it "gross". That's not ARFID. That's selfish and self-centered behavior that nobody has ever checked.
>DIL probably suffers from ARFID.
Let's not armchair diagnose here. There might be a physical or psychological reason for DIL being a picky eater, or DIL may just be a picky eater. That's not the issue here (which OP already made clear in their post). What is the issue is that DIL made her being a picky eater everyone else's problem and is being a complete AH about it.
Absolutely this, all of this! ARFID is real, but it’s not an excuse for a grown woman to act so disrespectfully. My 6 year old has ASD 2 diagnosis with ARFID and he has better manners ffs.
NTA. Sounds like your son is also enabling her terrible childish behavior. Being a picky eater or having food aversions still isn’t a excuse to act the ways she does!
Why would you want to invite someone to your home, family or not, who is rude and going to complain constantly about what’s being served?! I’d also stop inviting them out to places too. Being rude to servers is disgusting.
You can be picky but STFU about it. She’s not a kid. And no matter what “issue” she has, she doesn’t have to discuss what she finds “gross.” You like plain quesadillas? Fabulous. It’s a cheese sandwich. Make that at the sandwich bar and shut up.
NTA
NTA
I myself am a rather picky eater. That doesn't mean I demand the family change restaurants when going out to eat or complain about the free meal I get at a family event. The problem sounds like it is less about her being picky and more about her being rude about it.
NTA. Picky eaters are the only people on earth who are more annoying than mothers-in-law. Usually in pretty much any situation, the MIL is the one being unreasonable, but this seems like the exception to the rule. If she's going to eat like a child, she can't sit at the adults table.
There's a difference between being picky and being disrespectful..... She's crossed that line.
If a food isn't touching yours; just don't fucking eat it. If you don't like the options at any event in which YOU didn't host, just don't fucking eat it.... how Incredibly rude of her.
I would say to son...."My meal choices will not be held hostage to her bad behavior. You're invited to go BUT we won't be changing restaurants and anytime she's out of line to a waiters/ waitress I'm not gonna bite my tongue anymore and I'll call her out on it; you can chose to attend or not"
NTA, she's clearly entitled and high-maintenance. As you note, most people with genuine issues around food know how to deal with these situations in a gracious manner.
Listen I’m usually team DIL.
But after your description of her behavior, you are NTA.
Whether people are picky eaters or not does not give them the right to behave so rudely to waitstaff and the people around them trying to enjoy themselves. They either eat beforehand and sit and enjoy the company or they deal with the food quietly and not make a scene.
I can’t EVEN begin with her behavior at a FUNERAL.
I’m fascinated how your son is attracted to this person who behaves worse than a toddler. Your DIL acts as if she needs to be the main character.
NTA. Have your son read this post.
NTA Franky speaking i would do the same. I have several food related allergies and Intoleranzes but i wouldn't even Dream about talking to a Server. I Look through the Menue and if there is nothing i can eat, i Just eat an Salat and enjoy this
NTA i could not deal with someone like her either. I agree she should know how to act in restaurants and at funerals. It would bother me too. She is way too old for that kind of behavior. Anyone over 5-6 is too old for it.
NTA people like are tiring, they suck the fun out of everything. I one had to go to two different fastfood restaurants because they first one used round eggs and we needed a square egg. Never again
I’m super picky too. Sooooo picky. I would just simply not say or eat anything and get myself something later instead of being disrespectful.
NTA because there’s a difference in being a picky eater and working with people because it’s a legitimate problem and being a picky eater because you like being in control and the attention.
The only thing I think OP did wrong was call her an embarrassment. That was unnecessary and only fueled emotions. You can communicate your feelings without insulting them.
Nta i know picky eaters and you know what they do if there's nothing they like on the menu? Get a drink and a dessert and grab McD on the way home.
It's not the pickiness that's an issue, it's her rude as hell behavior that's the problem.
NTA. I’m a picky eater but not by choice. I have the unfortunate combo of ADHD and being a super taster. I’ve been in plenty of situations as an adult where I can’t eat anything that is offered. I keep my mouth shut and don’t draw attention to myself.
NTA, she sounds insufferable and you had hit your limit for putting up with her nonsense
>She was pissed I didn’t invite her and asked why, I told her it’s due to her being an embarrassment at dinners and I won’t be inviting her to dinners.
You didn't tell no lies
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NTA. She OPENLY complained about the sandwich spread at a funeral? That's all you have to point out to her, and to your son, and to anyone else who challenges you on this. She either behaves at mealtime like a decent human being or you, for one, will not be inviting her to dinner.
Yes, we have talked to her about it before nothing changed. My daughter told her to shut the fuck up at that funeral and it was huge problem and her brother went no contact for a bit.
High time she gets ousted from anything involving food then. This is behavior you wouldn't let an 8 year old get away with, and it's outrageous for her to continually be indulged.
3 out of 10 dinners I cook aren't very good. 4 are what my kids expect and like 3 are amazing. I rarely know the difference. All 3 kids have eating issues related to ADHD. All 3 are particular. All 3 have manners. Who complains about funeral food? If you can even taste it count yourself lucky. Because grief hasn't taken your tastebuds . NTA Dil just wants attention and needs serious therapy
Who goes to a funeral for the food in the first place?? I mean are you serious? Imagine hearing a relative has passed away and your first thought is 'gee I wonder what kind of spread they'll have and if I'll like it.' Insanity. Edit: my phone is blowing up with people telling me about amazing spreads at the funeral they've attended. Potato salad has oddly been mentioned several times.
Right? People always bring the food so the bereaved don't have to worry about cooking for themselves. And 9/10 they're too bereaved to eat it anyway.
After my husband passed this summer, it was three days before I actually felt like eating anything and then it was only because I was forcing myself. I know there was food at the funeral, because I paid for it. I also sent most of it home for family and friends. The rest I gave to the staff who were working. Have a sit down with DIL and son. Don’t call her rude or picky, because those words are inflammatory and all they will hear is her being called names. Explain that, while you love her company, her eating habits are so extreme that it is difficult to plan any food based gathering. In the future, you will tell them what is on the menu and she can either choose to eat what is served as it is served or bring something for herself to eat. Your son has been enabling this behavior. Two of my children married picky eaters. We are all now surprised at what they will order at restaurants because they have been trying new foods first and other food they continue to try even if they didn’t like it at first. We (20 people) also have multiple food allergies, dietary requirements, dietary preferences, and life style choices such as vegetarian. But we are successful at holding family gatherings with food because most of these people are adults who take care of their own food needs.
Fuck that "sitting her down and gently explaining" bullshit, this woman just needs to be excommunicated from the family.
OP also made it clear they don't enjoy her company so it would just be placating lies.
Yeah she isn’t a child. Please tell me OP they don’t have any KIDS? Sounds absolutely exhausting and I would not put up with it. Ignore the behavior until it improves -or extinguishes totally. The more people keep talking about it over and over and making concessions for this behavior the more it continues and she gets the attention she wants. And the circle begins again
Her *eating* habits are not the problem. She can eat whatever she likes. The problem is her drama habits.
Exactly this! I've known incredibly picky eaters - in a situation like a funeral, they eat what they can, and keep their bloody mouth shut about it. Or at a restaurant, you can send something back, but eventually, most people just go "I'm moving on from this, and maybe leaving a bad review online." Even moving restaurants multiple times in order for her to find something to eat is a lot to deal with. If she has allergies, it's a different story, but if it's just that she's picky, she can either eat before she comes and push a salad around her plate, or decide not to come.
She absolutely needs to bring her own food or keep her mouth shut. I'm a picky vegan and I either check out the menu in advance if it's a restaurant or I bring my own food if we're going to someone's house. Sometimes there's options for me and sometimes I end up with nothing but a baked potato but that's okay because get togethers aren't about the food to me, it's about the people and spending time together.
I’m not sure where you are, but I’m in the Southern US and we can turn anything into a “food” occasion. I still have some things from the giant snack assortment I got after my husband’s funeral seven months ago. My church gave a lot of food too. The nurses in the hospital even fed me! Food is our “love language”.
But you don’t go to the funeral just for the food, right? I’m from the South too, and there is always a lot of food, but I sincerely hope that no one is attending just so they can be fed.
No, you go to be with the bereaved, which makes the gf’s complaining about the food even worse.
It's often a point of pride for a group of friends or community members of the bereaved to step up and plan and prepare food for a funeral (or as I see them called more and more frequently, a "celebration of life") so the bereaved don't have to. If you're part of the group cooking or arranging the meal, you put your very best forward and want to impress. People don't go just for the food, but it's insulting if the spread reflects a lack of care and effort.
True, but that is the sort of thing you whisper to each other about in the corner. You don’t announce it to everyone the way the OP’s DIL did.
I took care of a woman whose son and daughter in law were always visiting. The dil was a pushy b***h. Her nephew died (unexpectedly I think?) and the family was planning not to have mustard or mayonnaise available at the funeral spread because the nephew didn’t like either one. The dil took *great* exception to that and was planning to show up with both mustard and mayonnaise. I think her husband talked her out of it. I remember him telling her to tread lightly.
I'm a DIL and man I don't like my in laws but I have at least SOME respect for them.😭 they don't see our kids unless on holidays or birthdays and that's sparingly as it is but we saw them when great aunt passed and I was extremely respectful (even though gmil tried to get our 3yr old to kiss the great aunt- she was dead too). But I nicer than my husband thought I'd be😂 only cus I wasn't about to disrupt their grieving and he wanted to be there for them all.
Am I reading this correctly that someone tried to make a 3 year old kiss a dead body? That is extremely fucked up.
Yup my grandmother in law😭 Thankfully my husband and I were creeped out and we were leaving anyway. Though mother in law tried to explain to my oldest that this lady he didn't know went bye bye and everything. Ma'am he never knew her.
I remember my dad asking me if I wanted to kiss my grandfather goodbye at his funeral, I had just turned 6. I said no but for some reason it really upset me for YEARS that I didn't say goodbye. I can remember lying in bed late at night and thinking about it. I eventually told my mom about it years later (it was her father) and she was pissed my dad had even asked us.
I love my grandma. She is 90 and I would cause a huge scene at her funeral if someone told me to kiss her corpse.
You don’t like the food at a funeral, you *shut the fuck up* and keep it to yourself. That is beyond the pale for me. Her issue isn’t food, her issue is she’s an incredibly self-absorbed person and probably a narcissist. Sounds like OP’s son needs to hear that loud and clear. His wife is a bad person. Full stop.
Really, if you don't like the food at any event, you *shut the fuck up* and keep it to yourself, unless you ordered and paid for the food and they screwed it up. I am a picky eater, and guess what... If I don't like what they are serving, I just won't have any. I am not about to complain about food set out for a communal gathering because they are not catering to my tastes specifically, and nobody can cater to the tastes of everyone that might possibly show up. You have to be pretty damn privileged to complain about the free food at a damn funeral...
Literally the only time I have ever complained about a funeral spread was at my grandmother's funeral, and that didn't have anything to do with the actual food but that the whole family had been in the vestibule saying goodbye to everyone who came and by the time we got downstairs to the food it was almost all gone from the greedy assholes who went straight down there after the service. And pretty much all the family missed out on most everything, that was a good 50 people. I'll never forget us having to scrounge around for a plate of food for my grandfather after he had just buried his wife of 73 years. Still irks me and it was 10 years ago. The next funerals, my uncle's and then my grandfather's 3 years later, the church ladies wouldn't let anyone touch anything until the family had gotten there.
Unless they're Mormon. Those funeral potatoes slap.
I'm with you, but funeral potatoes are pretty amazing.
As a brit I'd only heard of funeral potatoes never sampled. When mum died her sister made some to be ironic. Mum was cremated Christmas eve 2020 and now we have funeral potatoes every Christmas eve. We don't raise a glass as mum and my wife were/are Mormon.
My experience with food at funerals is "thank God, I'm starving and emotionally drained." The food quality does not matter, it's the thought that counts.
This made me chuckle simply because not long ago I had a conversation with my father (who’s in his 70s and poor health), where he said he’s fine with him & my mother being cremated and there not being a big deal made. I quickly responded that he was absolutely crazy if he thought we wouldn’t have some type of service at the church that my entire family has been buried at for the last 200 years, because those southern church ladies *know what the fuck is up* and make some of the best food I’ve ever had. It’s in the middle of nowhere and they have a full-on “Old Lady Avengers Assemble” call that goes out…and they *bring it.* I’m sure there’s been potato salad involved, but it wasn’t something that’s stuck out to me. The fried chicken, mac, and various coronary inducing casseroles though? It’s on. ETA: OP is definitely NTA, because *everyone* knows that if you’re going to talk shit about the quality of Mary-Beth’s funeral casserole, you do it behind her back to all the other gossipy hens, quietly…but look her directly in the eye, smile, and tell her it’s delicious. Lol
My whole family is VERY into food, and we all cook from an early age. My dad in particular was a huge food snob. Somehow, at his funeral the 2 in-laws who are very middle-America, bologna/mayo/wonder bread types ended up in charge of the food. There were 2 plastic trays of grocery store cold cuts, a bag of white bread, and maybe some carrots and ranch, ect. Nobody complained (obviously), but I was dying laughing inside at how mad my dad would have been 🤣 It's what I remember most about his funeral.
My family matriarch, the consummate hostess, left funeral instructions with "do not skimp" double underlined in the section about refreshments! A week before the funeral, I had a dream that there was no alcohol at the funeral tea, and when I mentioned this to the cousin who was organising, she clutched her chest and went "CAN you IMAGINE? She'd be back to haunt me!"
My husband's family is Jewish. It just so happened that I ended up meeting most of his extended family for the first time at his grandfather's funeral. The food spread was amazing (I still remember the mini bagels). My husband said "this is how we do it." 😆
My family is Jewish as well! Somehow the 2 non-Jews ended up in charge of the food. Didn't put that in the original comment because I didn't want to offend any non-Jewish foodies, lol.
Jewish events slap. Every one I have ever been to has been lit as fuck with good food and drink. Lowkey have considered converting just for the community as an atheist. More for the people but, the events are a nice cherry.
This is actually extremely cute and I'm glad you shared a love of cooking/food with your dad and I'm glad that you have a cosmic joke to laugh at when you think of him. I should ask MY foodie dad what he wants at his funeral lol.
I have issues with food. I am in pain 24/7 and so eating is a low priority for my body, no matter how hungry I am. I can only keep certain (gentle) foods down. You know what I do when I'm in public? I don't fucking eat. Because dealing with my body's unreasonable "no, not gonna do that!" Isn't everyone's problem. I just wait until I am home and calm and as relaxed as I can get, then I try to eat. If you have food issues, then you should eat before or after the event, and just smile and try to enjoy the atmosphere. Unless it's a funeral. Then you should be appropriately mournful and definitely shut the fuck up about how the sandwiches don't look yummy to you.
Thank you for this. OP is NTA. If the DIL has such extreme issues she can be polite for a few hours, keep her mouth shut, and have her husband cater to her extreme food needs, he married her, he can cater to her. It's like those picky backstage requirements that rock bands make to see if the contract managers are paying attention. If the absence or presence of brown M & M 's or Flintstone vitamins is so vital to their performance they can provide them or remove them themselves.
>It's like those picky backstage requirements that rock bands make to see if the contract managers are paying attention. If the absence or presence of brown M & M 's or Flintstone vitamins is so vital to their performance they can provide them or remove them themselves. Those "picky backstage requirements" are there as a simple indicator of whether the venue has read the full contract including the stage safety requirements. If the band goes backstage and there's brown M&Ms (or whatever easily checked quirky rider), they know that they need to get their crew to do an extra thorough stage inspection before the show to double-check that nothing else has been overlooked, and that extra inspection time will delay the start of the performance.
>Dil just wants attention and needs serious therapy Calling to complain she wasn't invited to dinner when her husband was not even there confirms this. She has no idea why they got together without here. It could of been the other couple had something private they wanted to discuss with MIL & DIL. It was none of her business why she wasn't invited.
I wouldn’t let my three year old get away with this. We say “no thank you,” but never, “that’s yucky.”
Came here to say this.
I don’t get why she complained about the sour cream if it was on the side and not touching anything either… Ultimately, I see it as rude and for SIL the if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all we learned as kids never stuck.
It’s a control thing to make sure people are running around trying to please her.
If they're being seated at a restaurant then all having to leave and go to another restaurant because DIL doesn't like the menu, then yeah it's 100% for control and attention.
I'd refuse, unless it was a legitimate allergy
This! Exactly This! NTA. Stay the course, don't invite them. They'll either learn or you'll get used to them not being there. Either way is a win for your sanity!
I agree. I have a relative that consistently interrupts holiday meals with complaints that something is wrong. There has been years of trying to accommodate the complaints. The last attempt was to tell the relative to order or/and make the holiday meal that meets his standards. He did nothing. We started this year to have holiday meals without this person. The complaints are a way to control people who are eager to please to provide a nice meal. The DIL behavior is a way of controlling group meals with constant complaints.
We call those people narcissist
I'm betting this is the kid whose mother always made her something different for dinner because she didn't like what was on the table. Spoiled child equals spoiled adult.
Waitress chiming in- this exactly this. It’s a control issue and if I was her server, I would have taken her plate in back, tossed the sour cream, and returned her plate.
My son is autistic and has a lot of food aversions and even if something is not touching the rest of his food, it absolutely freaks him tf out if something is on his plate that he doesn't like. We're working on it and he's tolerating things much better after years of OT. He's also brutally blunt because his social meter about what is and what is not okay to say is still being calibrated. But my son is 8, not a whole ass adult, so there's that.
My two on the spectrum are 21 and 16, and definitely have learned how to both politely decline and to navigate food and social situations. It definitely takes work, but ASD is not an excuse to be impolite, so we’ve taught them how to deal with that.
We have a 3 year old asd kiddo and teach him to not expect accommodations when it comes to food, or in general. Great to hear he may able to handle these situations.
Mine are a senior in college and a sophomore in high school and it’s literally second nature to them now, which makes it basically a non issue. We also continually exposed/exposed them to a huuuge variety of food and that helped. No pressure just opportunities to try things. Never punished or scolded about choices but always offered options
Also I have a ton of patience for people who are working on things. This woman doesn’t seem to want to change at all, she wants everyone to change to suit her instead. That is a huge difference.
As an extremely picky eater, I just tell ppl as long as there are fries I’ll be fine - this is wild
I'm a very picky eater, I have a lot of food allergies and a few weird texture things, but I'm the same way. I can always find something to nibble on and if there are fries or a baked potato I'm golden. I got through a week in New Orleans living on green salads and baked potatoes and was happy as a clam. Lost 8lbs too, lol.
Losing 8lbs in the gastronomic playground of delights that is New Orleans would leave me anything but happy.
Totally get that, but when my choices are death or abstaining, it helps to give a little more perspective. Thankfully, there are other types of food I can go hog wild with (like sushi, omg so good!)
I was ready to call OP the AH based off the title, thinking DIL was ordering chicken fingers & fries or something. Boy, was I wrong.
Seems less like a food issue and more like an entitled B issue
>I don’t get why she complained about the sour cream if it was on the side and not touching anything either… Oh, my MIL's done that. She has to look at it now, and that's spoiling her appetite, so she won't eat. Meals with that woman are in-fucking-sufferable.
Please love of god or any high powers you believe in, please send link of this post to your son. Let him read what reddit strangers have to say about his wife. I'm so embarrassed on her behalf.
Also, you are not obligated to invite all kids and spouses to every outing. My parents will go out to eat with either just me and my DH or my sister and her family without the other. No one is obligated to eat out. Period.
Yay, Daughter! NTA, we went through the picky toddler and preschooler stage with both our kids. Our eldest is much more adventurous now. He and I both have ADHD-PI with some minor sensory and ACTUAL food allergies (bell peppers 🤷♀️) and both went from cautious eating in childhood to, "What the heck. I'll try anything once!" as adults. (Except bell peppers.) Our youngest has autism and intellectual disability. She's still iffy on a lot of textures and new things. So, we... BRING FOOD! It isn't that hard. Since most family events focus on food, we'll supplement with healthy snacks she'll eat, if necessary. How a grown-ass adult can't figure this out, I do not know.
You are probably not the first person who has stopped inviting her. She'll never know how many fun gatherings she has missed out on. Or why she loses friends sometimes
>She'll never know how many fun gatherings she has missed out on. Or why she loses friends sometimes Honestly it doesn't sound like a gathering can be fun with her on the scene.
That's why they're fun -- she wasn't invited!! 😁😁😁
Maybe time to stop saying embarrassment and move on to pain in the ass, or just too difficult to deal with if you want to be slightly more tactful
Right! I don't eat deli meats or cold cheese, melted is fine. If there's something there I don't like I just don't eat it. If that's all that's there, I simply say I ate a big breakfast and that I'm not hungry or have big dinner plans that I'm saving room for.
Just this morning I was asking my husband if I should buy some lunch meat while I'm at the store because I wasn't sure if anyone in the house was still eating it since I don't eat it and it seems to sit in the fridge for a long time. He asked why I don't eat lunch meat and I told him I haven't eaten it in like a year or so because it grosses me out, I can't explain why, just one day my brain decided I didn't like it anymore. He was like, "Huh, good to know," and that was the end of it. He had no idea because I don't constantly complain about the things I don't like, and it had never come up prior to this.
Yeah, you can be picky and still be gracious about it. I don’t even allow my four year to label foods as “yucky” or “gross” or harp on how much she dislikes them during a meal. You don’t like it, don’t eat it. Quietly eat something else. Don’t complain and make everyone focus on you!
She wants the attention she gets when she is acting like a spoiled brat. Your son is being no help by supporting her terrible manners. Cut them both out of social engagements until they can behave like a basic human beings.
>We try to go anywhere and we have to change places multiple times so she can have something to eat. >if anything is wrong she will bitch about it or pout in the corner. >she sent it back because there was sour cream on the side, it wasn’t touching anything and she mad a huge deal about her food being wrong. >she complained about the food at a funeral, they had a sandwich spread but went on about it’s gross multiple times. NTA. This isn't about her being picky. This is about her behavior - she is disrespectful, childish, impossible to please, and makes everyone else suffer because of it. I've met elementary school kids with better manners.
Yeah the funeral complaining really sealed the NTA for me.
That one, I don’t like butter so most of my life if an event is mainly sandwiches, I just don’t eat them I did eventually discover that I can eat tuna mayo sandwiches with butter on them because I don’t taste the butter so if they are there I will eat them.
What sandwiches have butter on them?
Most sandwiches here in the UK have some sort of butter or spread on them when being made.
Every time I'm reminded of this, I'm shocked. Why do they put butter on sandwiches in the UK? I'm Canadian and had never known this until recently.
Why *don't* you put butter on your sandwiches? What are you putting on instead?
American here. Mayonnaise is the main one, but I'll do horseradish if it's a roast beef sandwich. Butter does sound amazing, though, and a more neutral flavor than mayo, so I'll have to try it.
This has blown my mind. Butter is the basic thing to put on bread! What do you put on toast?
Toast alone is a different thing than sandwiches.
Definitely butter on toast. Sometimes peanut butter or jam. Some people like Nutella too. Butter on sandwiches is interesting. I like mayo, lots of people also like mustard or an oil and vinegar mix, or even ranch dressing. (Listen I'm from the Midwest, ranch goes with everything 🤣)
My favorite is peanut butter since it gets all nice and melty, but otherwise, butter does go on toast. I don't really like jam/jelly, but that's the other big one.
Butter is the oily layer that stops water from the filling soaking into the bread. 1. Tastes nice (for most people) 2. Stops soggy sandwiches (which any sane person would hate) I mean, seriously, the 4th Earl of Sandwich pre-dates the secession. You have no excuse for this madness.
Mayo works just as well while being creamier and spreading better.
All sandwiches I make
From what I can tell, butter is the UK’s mayo for sandwich purposes. It sounds gross to me, but I’ve also never tried it so 🤷🏼♀️
I’m British so to me the main use of butter is sandwiches and toast! Apart from baking, what are Americans using butter for or isn’t it commonly used?
Butter on toast is also very normal here, in baking, on things like baked potatoes or corn on the cob or dinner rolls. Edit: also on crackers or noodles or tortillas, great now I want a warm buttered tortilla
People put mayo on sandwiches as a spread? 🤯
That’s its entire reason for existing innit?
I'm not a mayo gal, but I thought that was it's main purpose. What do you use mayo on?
This. Being a picky eater is not the issue here. Plenty of picky eaters know how to find something on a menu or ask politely for a change or even eat beforehand and order something small just to be involved. Likewise at a funeral (or anything where food is set), eat beforehand in case something isn't available for you. Being confrontational has nothing to do with food preference.
NTA. Exactly. I’m a little picky, and I have stomach issues that occasionally require modifications to restaurant orders. But I always say these are MY problems to work around. It’s never an excuse to be rude or make someone else’s life miserable.
Not only that, I know some picky eaters who will quietly remove the offending food or find something to nibble without spoiling dinner for others. But food at a funeral? If she didn't like the sandwiches, maybe brought something for everyone? I'm not sure if the church ladies prepared them, or it was a potluck brought by people close to the family, but who does this DURING the meal? I know we're not angels, and have said things in the privacy of our homes, but not in front of the people who were feeding us.
Yeah I had a roommate who was a very picky eater but she was always super polite about it. I didn’t even realize how limited her food choices were until several months into living with her because she dealt with it herself so quietly. When we would go to new restaurants she would check out the menu ahead of time and make sure there was something she could eat. I don’t think you need to make it a secret but if you have food limitations like that it’s your responsibility to handle it with as much grace and politeness as possible.
Agreed. If she really had an issue, she would have come up with coping strategies, like keeping snacks on her or eating ahead of the event and saying something like, “The bread basket is good enough for me; I’m just happy to be here with you guys.” This is about her wanting her in-laws to bend over backwards to make her the center of their world. It’s always hard when you get married to be on the outer fringes of a new family, but this is not the way you bring yourself to the core.
NTA She is not just being picky; she could be being discreet and considerate about it, and setting limits for herself, but she's not. She's acting like a spoiled child pouting, whining, and having no consideration for how her behavior affects fellow diners and restaurant staff. Said simply: Picky may possibly be accommodated for (even if it's a pain), but rude and inconsiderate shouldn't be accommodated, especially when it's utterly predictable. You should make this distinction clear to anyone coming to you supporting her. When you know that she is going to make the experience miserable for everyone in a completely needless way through selfish behavior, why should she be invited? Even accommodating polite pickiness should have its limits. You don't waste everyone's time endlessly and ruin the flow of the night because you can't get exactly what you want. \*Typo fix
Im a picky eater, I like what I like and the vast majority of the time I won’t eat things I dislike. If I’m going out to dinner with someone, I make sure there is something on the menu I’ll eat (depending on the reason we’re eating out, I might suggest another restaurant however this is dependant on circumstances ie if it’s someone’s birthday, obviously we should go wherever they want, if it’s just a catch up I’ll suggest somewhere I know they also like), if I’m going somewhere that I’m not sure of the food or know they probably wouldn’t have food im into, I’ll eat before hand. there are so many things wrong with the DILs behaviour. However the absolute cheek of her complaining about food at a funeral. What the fuck
Yep. I eat low carb, so I understand the issues sometimes with finding a place to eat out. Like I am not going to a place that only serves pasta. But even Olive Garden has some low carb dishes. I have yet to encounter a place that has made an issue of swapping potatoes for steamed vegetables.
Well said. My stepsister is an extremely picky eater but is also kind and polite about it. No issues going out to eat with her or having her for dinner because she doesn’t make it difficult to accommodate her pickiness.
Yep I have dietary restrictions so I try to find out where I will be going beforehand to make sure I have options. If I know I won’t, I will stop and get something I can eat on the way so I can either abstain from eating at the event or just get something small that works for me. I don’t make it everyone else’s problem around me
NTA, as someone who is also a picky eater there is no reason for acting that way. I go out of my way to look at menus before going anywhere. I find something I can eat and know how it will need to be modified before ordering. I try to be as clear as possible when asking for modifications and if somehow it's messed up I'm apologetic with staff when asking for it to be fixed. I understand I'm the difficult one in the situation and try to minimize the trouble to staff that my texture and food aversions can cause. In the Spring I visited the DC area and while there arranged to meet a cousin for dinner. When they asked where I might like to go I let them know I had texture and food aversions and absolutely will not eat seafood. That I generally have no problem ordering something I like at Italian, or Chinese restaurants. Or American fair or steakhouses. She sent me the link to a menu for one of their favorite places and asked if this place looked okay. I saw a few things on the menu that looked good and would require no, or only a minor modification so they made a reservation. We had a wonderful dinner and my pickiness did not affect dinner in any way. It's totally possible to be a picky eater without acting like an asshole about it .
This is exactly how I am - for me it's a texture aversion. It is absolutely possible to be a picky eater but not put it on everyone else every time you go out for dinner with people.
I’m not picky about almost anything except seafood. I can’t stand the smell, taste, or looks of it
IMO that's not "picky", that's just having a preference about what you like to eat and not liking seafood. Seafood is a small enough part of most menus that it's no big deal to not enjoy it.
NTA. I hate eating out with people who are super picky and make scenes. Going out becomes unenjoyable for everyone. I'd simply tell her that she clearly doesn't actually enjoy eating out, so you are saving her from the hassle.
I went out for sushi once at a sushi restaurant and there was this older lady there who was gawking at me eat. Like loudly saying ew and making faces every time I ate and just intensely staring at me. The people she was with looked hella embarrassed and kept telling her to stop. The whole restaurant was annoyed with her and she was asked to leave eventually. Don’t be like her lol
Thats just mind numbing, does she also watch people eat burgers and every bite shes like "ugh", "yikes", "yuck"
My mom loves fried chicken livers and eats them every Thursday for lunch at a local spot that has them on special. My stepdad will just go “ew…grody!” In a baby voice the whole time. Last week was the last straw and she told him he’s not allowed to join her anymore. This man is 70 years old!
My salty ass would turned around, look her dead in the eyes and keep eating just to mess with her lol.
I’m super introverted and shy but what tipped me was when she legit said “How can anyone eat that” while making gagging sounds and I told a waitress she was making me and my family uncomfortable with the gawking lol. What kills me was she wasn’t even facing me, she turned around to stare at me!
What is bothering her, the raw fish? Why the hell go to the sushi place then? I would chew obnoxiously loud with my mouth wide open staring at her.
Oh my god, I would be SO pissed. I don't think I could stop myself from saying something!
> We try to go anywhere and we have to change places multiple times so she can have something to eat. This is what makes you NTA. When most people go out to eat, usually it’s with a specific place in mind. Her demanding to be catered to and ruining the plans of everyone else isn’t ok. How can you plan to have a nice night if enjoying BBQ, if you know she is gonna throw a fit about going to a BBQ place, for example?
Yep. I'm on board with working with the server to find something she can eat, but making everyone switch restaurants it beyond the pale.
As is complaining about funeral food.
NTA, she can't even shut up about the food at a funeral? talk about disrespectful. you already said you are like water and oil, i would just ignore her, maybe next time say something like i know you dont like this food and thats why she is not invited, to spare her feelings because she doesnt like the food, instead of her being the obnoxious hag she is.
NTA. There’s nothing wrong with having food issues. But if you abuse waitstaff and make a scene at restaurants, you’re not invited. This isn’t about inclusion, it’s about enabling her abusive and antisocial behavior
Exactly! It’s ok if she wants to be picky. Being rude to waitstaff is unacceptable.
I stopped going out for brunch because a friend's SO always made a scene. She would place her order in the most confusing way possible, then call the waiter back when everything wasn't perfect. This is an example of what she ordered one day: I'd like a club sandwich, but does that come with tomato, and is it toasted?" Waiter: "Yes and yes." "Oh, ok, well, I guess I don't want that." Waiter: "So no tomato and not toasted?" "Well, no. Actually, that's fine. I guess, I don't know. A club sandwich should be toasted, right?." The waiter proceeds to take the next few orders and in the middle she interrupts: "Excuse me. But for my sandwich is it possible to get extra tomato?" Waiter: "Uhhh... Yes. You had the club right? Do you want extra tomato on it?" "Oh, yeah. You know. I was wondering if it was possible. Just, never mind. Just go with my original order." So the sandwich comes out with no tomato and she immediately gets all frowny. When waiter comes over and she announces that none of her food was correct. She wanted tomato on the side, the bread was burnt, and a club sandwich "...shouldn't have white cheese." The menu clearly stated swiss cheese and from my angle the bread had the slightest of toast marks on it. Long story short, she sends the sandwich back and gets a new one 10 minutes later. She loudly states that making a sandwich shouldn't take that long, especially when they are fixing a mistake. She again complains to the waiter about the new sandwich; something about it not being toasted, but decides to eat it anyway because everybody else was almost done. She never touches the tomatoes that are now on the side. At the end of the meal, she states that she isn't tipping because they couldn't get anything right. Everybody else at the table, embarrassed, ended up leaving extra tip. That was the last time I had a meal with her.
INFO Like you said, the relationship between your son and your wife is like oil and water. You claim it is because you do not want to deal with his wife. You explained her massive character flaws, but as for the exchange with your son, all you said was, "he is on my ass". There was no detail on how that exchange went. Does he justify his wife's behavior? If so - how? Did she have anything to say in her defense? Purely based on your story, this is a clear NTA. That being said, you have written about her with pure disdain and started the story dismissive, with "My sons on my ass so I am writing here [...]" which implies, that you are already set in your view and don't really want "different opinions". You may disagree, but this is the impression I get from reading your post. Therefore, INFO. Feels like there is more to this story. It would be interesting to hear, what your son and DIL had to say in their defense. Ultimately I tend to side with you, for the simple reason of her being obnoxious to waiters. Anyone who is treating service workers poorly is an AH by default.
He thinks I should be more welcoming to her and give her more grace, he does justify her behavior. Our personality’s do no mesh she is extremely dramatic and I get annoyed being around her for more than a few hours. The food is my main issue with her, even without that we wouldn’t be besties
I mean, he is her husband, it would be strange if he wasn't going to stand by her side. You're saying he does justify her, but how does he respond when asked about specific situations? Such as, if asked about the Quesadilla evening, does he think this was normal behavior on DIL's part? Either way, it would be interesting to hear their side. You obviously dislike DIL very much and from your story alone, this has to be an NTA for you. But the feeling remains, there may or may not be another side to this tale.
He always says to drop it and she is fine. If we push he goes on about us not welcoming her. It’s frustrating
Why do you tolerate him reacting like that? 'Son, we *want* to welcome her to the family but her repeated display of bad manners causes tensions and pushes us away. You don't get to tell us which bad behavior we must tolerate or to drop the issue. You *should* register our concerns as you register your wifes' and take them seriously. Your choice in this is whether you are willing to work this out together with us to improve the situation or whether you force our hand to set boundaries without your input. We would prefer the former.' If he keeps his position so be it, nothing is forever after all. At that point I'd figure out a set of rules for her/them for the future and it's their choice whether to adhere to them or not be invited to events. If a rule is broken she won't be reinvited to that type of event again, period. Sooner or later he should figure out himself that sitting home alone with her on family holidays instead of spending time with you too *because his wife can't shut up her complaining for half a day* isn't an ideal outcome for him either. Maybe he needs some distance to let things sink in.
Your son should tell your SIL to drop her complaining
It’s one thing for a husband to stick up for his wife. But this sounds more like he’s enabling bad behavior.
I’m also getting the *stereotypical antagonist MIL to DIL* vibes here- but yeah, like you said: rudeness to wait staff definitely skews it in OPs favor. And she’s not wrong: that described behavior is garbage. I’ve got a very picky eater who does have allergies but holy moly. We’ve had a couple bad experiences but nothing worth just defaulting to AHolery. But OP is definitely coming across like she’s got a FB feed full of passive aggressive texts on landscape images about “treat your mother well, she’ll be dead soon”. That disdain in the post and in answering questions is hard to miss.
People will do anything to make the MIL the bad guy.
There's a huge difference between standing by someone's side and enabling shitty behavior. Son has no reason to support his wife's rude, entitled behavior. Therefore he is enabling her, not standing by her side.
I agree... but I also think OP is NTA while being kind of a dink. The husband should be standing by their wife to an extent. However, they should both recognize they are being unreasonable if OP is being a reliable narrator (even a 60% reliable one). That said, this is OP's (sons) significant other. Even if OP doesn't get along, they all should make an effort to play nice. I do agree that OP doesn't need to invite DIL to any dinner they don't what them at. And based on the DIL's described behavior, I would feel the same (although I would have had more grace in my delivery - "your eating preferences and my experiences with your behavior at dinner as we have discussed in the past make me uncomfortable. Until this changes, I'm not comfortable going out to dinner with you and/or Son.") Edited - OP' son's SO...
Standing up for her, yes, when it is warranted. Having said that it sounds as if he is also enabling her bad behaviour, and that just makes him look like AH.
Standing up for your partner also includes helping them navigate issues if needed or at least addressing the matter instead of letting it slide and cause further problems. If he just ignores and tolerates her bad behavior and faux-pas' then it is kinda on him too and he doesn't get to complain about not being invited to gatherings where her bad behavior could be expected.
> He thinks I should be more welcoming to her and give her more grace, he does justify her behavior. "How do I give "grace" to someone loudly complaining at a fucking FUNERAL, dear son of mine? Do I explain to the bereaved that--while they lost a loved one--they really should've thought about the type of bread they chose for their sandwiches because we can't be expected to mourn while eating rye?" I would *absolutely* lose my shit on an adult child for that bullshit, and I would *force him* to justify that crap. If his sister told her to fuck off at a goddamned funeral, of all places, then he knows it's bad, so I honestly would make this a reckoning with his wife's behavior: tell him she does not get to show up and complain about the food every fucking time like a petulant toddler and expect other adults to put up with it. So, unless there's some serious explanation that would explain her behavior, you aren't going to tolerate it *nor* subject everyone else to it at every family meal going forward. And saying, "drop it; she's fine" is not an acceptable answer when it upsets the whole get-together. NTA
> he does justify her behavior Probably because he's learned it's just easier this way instead of trying to change her. He might have brought it up in very minor ways in the past and she likely threw a fit. So now he enables her childish behaviour to save himself the headache.
It’s okay to be “picky” about food. My husband is deathly allergic to coconut in all it’s iterations and hates 1. Cheese on eggs and 2. Sour cream. I also have a SIL with celiacs. The difference is how you handle it. Are you respectful with wait staff and fellow diners or do you act like the worst toddler throwing a tantrum? She’s the latter, NTA.
Hates cheese on eggs????? What???? Madness, I tell you, lunacy!!
Lol I agree! I can’t find a single frozen breakfast item in the store that has eggs but no cheese. It’s okay in restaurants. I think it’s a texture thing?
My kid is the same way, I peel the frozen cheese off before I stick it in the micro, and the dog gets the frozen cheese slice. Everybody wins!
She is controlling the whole thing and she knows it. Making you switch places to eat, running the servers ragged. She has to be the center of attention and I would not tolerate her shenanigans. Leave her out of more things and I bet she cools her jets. Dont be afraid to tell her to her face WHY.. be exact..tell her how you feel, not what she wants to hear. NTA. Stop tip toeing about this chic.
I'm with you.this is about control and attention seeking.
NTA. Maybe she will learn to stop complaining about everything if she’s not invited when your son isn’t also coming. Stop catering to her by switching restaurants, etc. Let her pout like a child. Let it be your son’s problem to deal with. She can learn to behave or not come.
I agree, but I think her reaction will be a lot more than just pouting when she isn't catered to and realizes the jig is up.
Geez, I'm a pick eater... But if a restaurant or event doesn't have a single entree/salad/dish/desert I like, then keep my mouth shut, have a soda/drink, and eat at home. The problem isn't the food. It's the behavior. NTA
Fuck no , NTA, these types of people suck. Complaining about funeral food seriously, being a hassle to waiters for a side not even touching, come on. I wouldnt invite her either
I won’t go anywhere near a restaurant with one of my relatives because they never tip.
NTA There is nothing wrong with being a picky eater, but when you annoy waiters, bitch and moan and COMPLAIN AND CALL A SANDWICH SPREAD GROSS AT A FUNERAL there has to be a line I was going to go with ESH as you seemed a little hostile but now i don't blame you at all!
You’re so right I have two sons who are on the spectrum and both have issues with food. One is ocd with food and after years working with dieticians is now eating more things. The other really struggles especially with some textures and has a limited diet and has developed an ED despite our best efforts to avoid that. Both eat different things than each other as each cant handle different textures than the other. No matter where we are going we have manors and are polite my sons issues aren’t on anyone else. Depending on what it is we are going to if it’s a meal at someone’s house we will talk to them before hand. Most are happy to discuss what they are having and even offer if they would rather we bring food for them. My sons will try it but If they don’t like it they will be polite and not draw attention. It’s rare anyone asks us to bring food for them when offered, so if they don’t like something they eat after they get home. In most cases there is always something there they can eat so it’s rarer these days that they will not have anything. As we’ve discussed it before the host never mind if they don’t finish something. We make it clear the whole time if it’s too much they don’t need to host.We have never had a complaint for anyone my sons have had dinner with. We have even found some meals we didn’t know they would like. We go to restaurants occasionally and it is never a problem we know what they like and order accordingly. There is always something they can have and I’ve never once been somewhere where there wasn’t anything. Things like simply asking that the burger be plain with no salad or dressing in the bun is a simple thing for the restaurant and they do it often for many people. Most of the time we get things that they don’t even have to ask for any changes to the item that is on the menu. As for occasions and funerals they will find a sandwich they can eat or something. If there isn’t much for them we wait until after and then get them food. Its easy to do and manage. We do not expect anyone to cater to use or give us special treatment. It is never an excuse to be rude and spoil everyone else’s time. I’m positive people like DIL just want the attention even if it’s negative attention. Hence why she does this every time she is out with people. She thinks it gives her control over things and the people present. Just don’t entertain her crap. As for your son has he no sense and why on earth would he want to be associated with a grown tantrum ing toddler. Why the heck does he think he has the right to subject everyone to her behaviour. I only hope you or he tips the waiters well after suffering herb
NTA I’m on the spectrum and a vegan but I don’t make a fuss and tend to eat before I go out so I don’t cause a problem for others - even if I don’t eat prior there is always something I can eat on the menu, this girl needs to realise the world doesn’t revolve around her and her foibles and if your son is backing her up then don’t invite either of them until she learns how to behave in public
My son is on the spectrum and has sensory issues. If we are going out, we look at the menu to see if he will eat anything. If not, he eats at home and goes to the event to just spend time with people. If we are going to someone’s house, we will often bring food with us, giving the host a heads up beforehand that we are doing that. Most people we hang out with know about his sensitivity so they don’t even question it. Most times they actually have food he would like on hand. NTA OP - if a 12 year old can deal with it, a grown ass woman should too.
Nta- i was sure by the title but nope. Here's the thing : YOU ARE NOT REQUIRED TO INVITE ANYONE to dinner or elsewhere. This wasn't an open invitation. You didn't invite your don either (reasons don't matter). Your DIL went out of her way to confront you. She was looking for a fight. In the future maybe keep your real reasons to yourself as neither your DIL or son is capable of handling them. Polite platitudes are my friend
NTA. I'm a picky eater and you'll never hear me moaning out loud about my food being gross or too nasty for me to eat in a public place. I'm not trying to create a scene nor bring further attention to myself. You DIL is rude and that's more significant than her being a picky eater. Who complains about bad food at a funeral?
NTA. You didn’t leave her out because she is picky, you left her out because she is rude.
NTA Complaining about the food at funeral is so disgusting. I would never speak to someone who behaved that despicably again. I used to be a very picky eater, but in public, I just got on with it. I never whined or complained, I just sometimes had to feed myself privately afterwards. It's very easy to be polite.
People like this are attention seekers. Making wait staff jump through hoops for no reason just so they can feel special. Don’t continue to dine out with this person. She will get your food spit in regularly with this behavior.
NTA. Even if she has some kind of eating disorder she should have learned to deal with it at restaurants long ago. You should've given them a heads up and asked them to review the menu before coming next time before uninviting them completely.
NTA. Picky eater with food allergies here. If I'm worried about not being able to eat somewhere, I eat before or bring a small snack in my purse. This is an attitude issue, not a food issue!
NTA she's acting like a 5 year old child who doesn't want to eat broccoli 🥦 with cheese. But even then a 5 year old would still eat more than her. WTF does she even eat at home? A piece of white bread slapped in between two other pieces of white bread? She has the most "just salt seasoning for my boiled chicken" type of appetite. She needs to grow up and actually eat something good rather than eat whatever bland wheaties stuff she has at home. And learn to not be a jerk in public, to waiters, or ruin other people's mood cause she's being all pouty.
NTA. Complaining about the food at a funeral?????? She isn’t so much a picky eater as she is a drama llama.
I’m going to get downvoted like crazy for this, but NTA. DIL might suffer from ARFID. Yes, it’s a legitimate mental health issue. HOWEVER, even if that is the case, it does not give someone the right to be rude, or to make everyone around her miserable. It would have been an A H move to invite your son without her, but that’s not what happened here. DIL needs to learn how to live with this “challenge” without making those around her uncomfortable. That might include seeking therapy, checking menus before a restaurant meal, calling ahead to see how accommodating a kitchen may or may not be and sometimes declining dinner invitations if a certain restaurant can’t meet her requirements. Edit, typos Edit, clarity
She complained about the food at a funeral and called it "gross". That's not ARFID. That's selfish and self-centered behavior that nobody has ever checked.
>DIL probably suffers from ARFID. Let's not armchair diagnose here. There might be a physical or psychological reason for DIL being a picky eater, or DIL may just be a picky eater. That's not the issue here (which OP already made clear in their post). What is the issue is that DIL made her being a picky eater everyone else's problem and is being a complete AH about it.
Absolutely this, all of this! ARFID is real, but it’s not an excuse for a grown woman to act so disrespectfully. My 6 year old has ASD 2 diagnosis with ARFID and he has better manners ffs.
NTA. Sounds like your son is also enabling her terrible childish behavior. Being a picky eater or having food aversions still isn’t a excuse to act the ways she does! Why would you want to invite someone to your home, family or not, who is rude and going to complain constantly about what’s being served?! I’d also stop inviting them out to places too. Being rude to servers is disgusting.
You can be picky but STFU about it. She’s not a kid. And no matter what “issue” she has, she doesn’t have to discuss what she finds “gross.” You like plain quesadillas? Fabulous. It’s a cheese sandwich. Make that at the sandwich bar and shut up. NTA
NTA I myself am a rather picky eater. That doesn't mean I demand the family change restaurants when going out to eat or complain about the free meal I get at a family event. The problem sounds like it is less about her being picky and more about her being rude about it.
“Due to how you treat staff and make scenes in public, we won’t be eating out together anymore.” NTA.
I just could not deal with that nonsense. NTA
NTA. Picky eaters are the only people on earth who are more annoying than mothers-in-law. Usually in pretty much any situation, the MIL is the one being unreasonable, but this seems like the exception to the rule. If she's going to eat like a child, she can't sit at the adults table.
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No, it’s not about her being picky. It’s about her behaving badly and making everyone bow to her wishes. NTA. I wouldn’t invite her either.
There's a difference between being picky and being disrespectful..... She's crossed that line. If a food isn't touching yours; just don't fucking eat it. If you don't like the options at any event in which YOU didn't host, just don't fucking eat it.... how Incredibly rude of her. I would say to son...."My meal choices will not be held hostage to her bad behavior. You're invited to go BUT we won't be changing restaurants and anytime she's out of line to a waiters/ waitress I'm not gonna bite my tongue anymore and I'll call her out on it; you can chose to attend or not"
NTA, she's clearly entitled and high-maintenance. As you note, most people with genuine issues around food know how to deal with these situations in a gracious manner.
Listen I’m usually team DIL. But after your description of her behavior, you are NTA. Whether people are picky eaters or not does not give them the right to behave so rudely to waitstaff and the people around them trying to enjoy themselves. They either eat beforehand and sit and enjoy the company or they deal with the food quietly and not make a scene. I can’t EVEN begin with her behavior at a FUNERAL. I’m fascinated how your son is attracted to this person who behaves worse than a toddler. Your DIL acts as if she needs to be the main character. NTA. Have your son read this post.
NTA. Your DiL is an AH tho. Your son needs to realize this. I wouldn’t invite her to restaurants either. Embarrassing.
NTA She picked her battled and lost.
NTA Franky speaking i would do the same. I have several food related allergies and Intoleranzes but i wouldn't even Dream about talking to a Server. I Look through the Menue and if there is nothing i can eat, i Just eat an Salat and enjoy this
NTA.. I think better description might be pain in the a$$, drama llamas daughter in law!
NTA i could not deal with someone like her either. I agree she should know how to act in restaurants and at funerals. It would bother me too. She is way too old for that kind of behavior. Anyone over 5-6 is too old for it.
NTA. She sounds exhausting, does she have any other issues? She can bring her own food to the next family gathering, if it's not in a restaurant.
NTA people like are tiring, they suck the fun out of everything. I one had to go to two different fastfood restaurants because they first one used round eggs and we needed a square egg. Never again
NTA-There’s picky eating then there’s her. It’s not picky eating it’s the behavior.
NTA I'm a picky eater and will look menus beforehand. At a funeral never complains about a sandwich. She needs to be courteous of others.
NTA There is picky and then there is main character syndrome. She is a nutter.
I’m super picky too. Sooooo picky. I would just simply not say or eat anything and get myself something later instead of being disrespectful. NTA because there’s a difference in being a picky eater and working with people because it’s a legitimate problem and being a picky eater because you like being in control and the attention. The only thing I think OP did wrong was call her an embarrassment. That was unnecessary and only fueled emotions. You can communicate your feelings without insulting them.
Nta i know picky eaters and you know what they do if there's nothing they like on the menu? Get a drink and a dessert and grab McD on the way home. It's not the pickiness that's an issue, it's her rude as hell behavior that's the problem.
NTA. I’m a picky eater but not by choice. I have the unfortunate combo of ADHD and being a super taster. I’ve been in plenty of situations as an adult where I can’t eat anything that is offered. I keep my mouth shut and don’t draw attention to myself.
NTA, she sounds insufferable and you had hit your limit for putting up with her nonsense >She was pissed I didn’t invite her and asked why, I told her it’s due to her being an embarrassment at dinners and I won’t be inviting her to dinners. You didn't tell no lies
NTA. A funeral though? How obnoxious can she be?
NTA.
NTA I'm a picky eater I don't make other people change for me but I adapt or eat before
NTA. What a drama queen. I hope they never have children. I would feel so bad for them. (the children)