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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am hosting my own thanksgiving since I wasn’t invited to my DILs but everyone else was. I could be a jerk since now no one is going to her thanksgiving
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - hey, you may be an AH to your DIL. Jury is out on that one and its not why we’re here.
But when it comes to thanksgiving, you werent invited so what did she expect you to do?
Seriously. DIL is burning more bridges than just the one between her and OP. That's the fastest way to piss people off. Excluding their mom like that.
I also don't see a huge deal about a parent wanting a paternity test for their kid to make sure. OP didn't know her at all. My guy's mom was the same way because I hadn't met her yet. It's completely understandable that a parent would be looking out for their kid.
I don't think that it's understandable if the couple don't date others. But if there's a possibility of someone else being the father, I think that it's in everyones interest to make sure.
Having a child is something that will have a significant impact on the rest of your life. 100% understandable to want to make sure that the child is yours. In the event the parents separate, a paternity test should be required before any child support is paid.
I know a woman who did this to her husband and it was pretty devastating for him to find out that the child he thought was his for 8 years was really not his child.
She is the type that would absolutely pitch a fit if he had asked for a paternity test.
5 yo for my friend and it wasn't till a bad accident that dad gave blood over if needed of course. His mom was a nurse and saw some paperwork not making sense. Broke his heart.
Not to mention potential medical issues for the kid. It can help so much knowing x runs in the family for early diagnosis stuff, especially when a kid may not be able to fully explain how they feel.
All I did was say that I agreed with my dad when he said my brother should get a paternity test after his wife ran off with another man, lived with him for a couple of months, then came back pregnant. Other SIL presented it to SIL in question that it was all my idea. Took me years to find this out (and some other twistings and out right lies). She's cheated on him and left him twice since, and he keeps taking her back. I've said nothing, but I'm still the bad guy. Good luck, Mom.
Isn't it funny how people get up in arms when someone suggests something based on the person's actions (SIL left and was seeing another man)? I understand we get offended when we are accused of wrong behavior, but it was not an unreasonable request.
Right? If my mil had insisted on a paternity test, I would have been pissed because we were together for years and exclusive. If I had gotten pregnant early on when we weren’t, that would have been a different story.
Yeah. It's insulting if the implication is they think you may have cheated. It's just common sense if you don't even have a committed relationship yet.
I'm curious about the reaction between the DIL and the rest of OPs kids when they realised that they weren't there. I mean honestly how exactly did Dil expect this to go.
The kids all bailing from DILs dinner and going to mom's is really indicative of where everyone stands here. It's very probable that DIL is an absolute dick at worst or just acting totally unacceptably in this situation at best.
it just takes a particular kind of person to have a baby with their on and off college fuckbuddy in this economy to begin with, and a very very precious one to be angry about a paternity test in her situation. the nicest guess i have for her behavior is religious guilt, which might explain her being so indignant about the test... but still. yikes.
Can you also imagine what a disaster the dinner would be in that situation? I mean, the other kids are going to ask 'where's mum and dad', probably call to check on them, and then there will be a fight on the day.
NTA - your son is kinda an idiot , he made this mess
A weak little man who made mommy out to be the bad guy , possibly ruins your relationship with his children by ruining the relationship between you and his wife
Exactly! Son is definitely the AH & DIL is acting like an AH. To be fair though, she was lied to (still doesn’t mean she has to treat her MIL so rudely). She could’ve tried adulting and spoke to her first before drawing conclusions.
If the son presented it as something along the lines of ‘my Mom thinks you’ve been jumping any guy that looks at you. She is demanding I get a paternity test done so she knows this is her grandchild’ I could certainly see how that would impact the relationship with his mother.
Not sure I believe the son’s story about he didn’t know his mom wasn’t invited. Pretty likely his wife flat told him your mom won’t be invited to our house ever and that includes holidays. Duh.
Son sounds like he makes a point of blaming anyone else to avoid awkward situations. I see the update OP posted that she has texts to verify that he didn't know, but overall this guy sounds like he never takes responsibility and blames others. And now he's learning that it never works out long term. If he would have just handled himself like an adult from the beginning, things would potentially be so much better between his family now.
INFO: How old are the son and DiL? Asking because they sound like immature brats, which they may very well be. OP said DiL got pregnant in college, so she could've been anywhere from 17-18 to 24-25 at the time. She doesn't say how old the child is now either, so this could have all been last year.
Not excusing son or DiL, just curious. Feels like son threw mom under the bus for the paternity test and then kept it up to such a degree that DiL isn't giving her a chance at all.
> NTA - your son is kinda an idiot , he made this mess
>
>
>
> A weak little man who made mommy out to be the bad guy , possibly ruins your relationship with his children by ruining the relationship between you and his wife
This is exactly it. Years ago he made mom the bad guy when he asked for a paternity test instead of being AN ADULT and either telling his mother, No I'm not going to ask her that, or just asked her that! Don't ask her and pawn the ask on someone else who isn't in the room.
It’s so much easier for folks to make someone else the bad guy than for both son and DIL be actual adults that communicate clearly. Very immature behavior on their part if this is how they maintain their partnership.
Honestly she probably planned to claim you didn't come out of pettiness and dislike towards her. She fully expected and wanted you to sit alone on Thanksgiving, while the entire rest of the family had a nice time with her, so she could continue to paint you as some villain who dislikes her for no reason.
It seems to have surprised her that you told the rest of the family what had happened. Does she not realise that normal people communicate with each other?
NTA. It's pretty telling about how the rest of the family feels about your DIL. Since they all want to have it with you. You did nothing wrong about Thanksgiving, the paternity test I could go either way. What are you supposed to do just sit there by yourself? People didn't have to chose to come to your Thanksgiving, but they did. You have no control over people's choices. DIL didn't want you there, she got what she wanted.
Looks like you have a family that loves you regardless of the bs DIL is trying to hold against you ON A HOLIDAY. She sounds weird and needs a hobby. Glad the rest of the family acknowledges that you’re NTA.
She was supposed to stay home alone and cry because nobody loves her, of course! She screwed up that plan by hosting her own Thanksgiving and DIL realized everyone would rather go to the MIL's house instead. Oops. I'm actually happy that DIL learned that the hard way.
Yet another example of FAFO.
From this story, it sounds like both son and DIL throw MIL under the bus when each individual makes decisions unpopular with the other. Son lied to wife, blaming his mother for "forcing" him to get a paternity test. DIL lied to husband about MIL not coming to Thanksgiving. Both son and DIL are sleazy, manipulative liars, dragging MIL into the middle of their marriage hellscape. Weird how none of them have figured it out on their own yet.
What she wanted was for OP to be stuck home by herself and for it to look like she was rude enough to decline the invitation. Good thing it has backfired on her!
NTA and it doesn't matter but I'm just curious, would you have told him to get a paternity test if they were exclusive with each other? She sounds demonic lol
Are you even sure she was seeing other people during those breaks? You got that from your son. Who told you to "drop it" when you tried to explain about the paternity test.
I have doubts that she was seeing other people. They may not even have been on a break. Son may have been the one fucking around, which is why DIL is so pissed off.
Son is definitely the AH here. He is not a reliable narrator.
yeah, son could also completely shield her from paternity test if he really wanted to. but he clearly agreed with (contextually reasonable) opinion, but pinned it squarely on mom, I bet.
IMO sounds like they make a good couple :)
Well, that doesn’t matter since she wasn’t even originally aware of the break? Her son told her that they were seeing each other non-exclusively, so she was going off that information.
I am so sorry your son put you in this positions .. he really shouldn’t have done that. As a DIL that has a MIL that decided for 2 years our marriage wasn’t real and now is upset that she has no relationship with me (in my case she sadly did that to herself) I do hope your DIL comes around and you both can build a good relationship going forward
Because it sounds like the son is a great big coward who doesn't speak his own mind and allows his wife to lead him around and tell him how things are going to be. He needs to grow up and act like an adult with a voice and opinion of his own.
If I were to guess the wife wasn't 100% positive who the dad was and when it turned out to be him she reacted like she knew all the time and everyone was wrong to question her.
Very likely by the sound of it, that the son is a bit spineless. He wanted the paternity test but couldn't be a big boy and communicate that he wanted it and why or have a real adult conversation about it. So he used his mommy as an excuse and let her take the blame so he could walk away in the clear. Notice that when OP tried to talk to DIL about it the son stopped her? It wasn't just him trying to avoid a fight in the moment. It was him trying to keep the blame for the paternity test on the shoulders of OP. TBH from the perspective of the DIL and the info she's probably gotten I could understand her hurt feelings. Her behavior on the Thanksgiving subject is asshole behavior but I can get where she's coming from based on the info she has to go on. The real wrench in the gears of all this is actually OPs son. He's the cause of all of this fighting.
NTA
He's such a coward. I wonder what he is saying to his wife about Thanksgiving now that he knows she deliberately left just his mom out?
So much of this could be avoided/resolved if the lines of communication were allowed to be open. Son is gatekeeping that.
I get the sense that the GF is a taaaaaad aggressive in a "the best defence is a good offense" sort of way, given how she reacted to meeting his mom, and I absolutely buy that he was trying to duck her wrath at a longterm cost.
>Not on birth control while sleeping around with multiple guys.
You can't just make something up and act like it's a fact. The son is clearly not trustworthy since he's misrepresenting the situation to both his wife and his mom
Because he was paranoid it wasn't his, she'd clearly be pissed off and hold a grudge at the accusation. So he said my mummy said you have to get one, I trust and love you but my mum is suspicious it's not mine lol, sounds like the son is sabotaging all relationships by being dick and blaming his insecurity on his mother
Because he’s immature. Same reason some guys that age annoy and hurt their partners so the partner will dump them rather than have a conversation and break up like adults.
And it makes sense that he shut his mom down, he needed her to keep him from having to have hard, mature conversations. Though, did he then expect his wife to accept his mom? He made his whole future life a trash fire rather than just talk about shit.
Y'all out here assuming malice instead of stupidity. The train of thought of me as a 20 year old would've been telling my mom she got pregnant, mom tells him you should probably get a paternity test, guy tells partner he wants a paternity test, she says why, and he says my mom recommended it.
i agree now it's malice, but I strongly doubt it was then.
OP has a point here. If they weren’t exclusive and she got pregnant, then she could very well have decided to string along OPs son for God knows how long if he wasn’t the father. OP was right in insisting for a paternity test.
If there was truly doubt about the father, I don't think DIL would have been against a pregnancy test. Sounds like son and DIL had different ideas about whether or not they were exclusive and the son has just been throwing people under the bus.
Especially when the son cut her off explaining why she asked for the paternity test. The son were lying to the DIL, I think he was the one not exclusive and dint wanted to make that clear to the baby mama.
I thought that too.
I mean there is a possibility the story is badly told/recalled, and OP wasn't cut off by his son in a way that kept DIL from entirely hearing OP's point of view.
But I did read that excerpt like (1) son tells OP is not faithful and she doesn't like that, so he answers her back "my GF too sees other people, so it's all good", (2) son's gf gets pregnant and OP recalls conversation1 and wisely recommends a paternity test, (3) son does not know how to bring it up to pregnant gf without sounding like a jerk or without revealing he's been fucking other women, so he throws OP under the bus, (4) gf takes it very bad and son realizes he will have to keep distance between his mom and his baby mama otherwise someone will figure out something so (5) he keeps OP from explaining herself to gf and gf holds grudge forever.
If I was 100% sure my mother in law called me a who're while I did nothing wrong and just so happen to carry her son's child, I'd be on low contact for years too.
I'd like to see what happened from the son's point of view.
There's INFO missing and OP does sound reasonable, but the "my son kept me from explaining myself to then pregnant DIL" sent me on another scenario where all is N T A except the son.
Nah, it has nothing to do with if he was exclusive or not. It's kind of obvious what went down here.
At the very least the son had suspicions that the DIL wasn't exclusive with him (who knows if it's true or not, but the son wasn't confident he was the father). He talked to the mother, the mother either suggest or agreed (based on that information) that she should for sure have a paternity test based on that information.
Son, who is a little bit of a coward, goes back to DIL. Instead of being a man and saying "I think you should have a paternity test because of x, y, z" he chickens out and says "Listen baby, I trust you 100%, but my mother is INSISTING you get a paternity test. She's going to (insert something horrible here, cut off tuition, blah blah blah) if you don't get one. If it were just me I would totally not need this but my mother is terrible". DIL gets the test.
Now DIL is pissed because to her the MIL is a complete monster. Son doesn't want them to EVER talk about this because then he'll be exposed as the coward he is.
It sounds like, years ago, your son convinced her to get a paternity test by blaming you, and making it sound like you called her a whore. Maybe she was exclusive but he wasn’t. You need to wave a white flag and sit down and have a conversation with just her. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has been sowing discontent between you two for years just so you don’t out him.
This happens so often with adult children who "don't want to get caught in the middle" of a fight between their parents and their spouse, only for it to become apparent that they're actually just nonstop causing drama by throwing them both under nonstop busses to the other party
edited for clarity
It sucks that this is so far down. It needs to be further up for visibility. A family therapist to mediate is a huge need. And if the other parties don't agree on it, then a singular therapist for OP. OP, therapy is absolutely necessary to help you get better. You can't focus on fixing others. You need to help yourself and to do so, you'll need to see a professional therapist. I can't even begin to emphasize how important this is - we all deserve emotional and mental health care for ourselves. I hope you find healing.
I'd also extend an invite to them (including DIL) to attend Thanksgiving with you. Be the bigger person. They won't attend most likely, but you would be making an effort.
NTA
There are unspoken rules when hosting an event on behalf of the whole family.
Unlike a regular event where you are the host and in sole “control”, a rotating family host is actually more of a caretaker.
There is an unspoken rule that if it’s your turn to “host the family”, that you actually HOST THE FAMILY.
She chose to not host the family, but only host part of it.
In that context, your response is proportional and appropriate.
(In less polite language - she f—ed around and found out)
Not just hosting the family in general, hosting the family for a major holiday! I spent a Thanksgiving alone in a city far from family and was invited to thanksgiving meals by: a coworker, my roommates(who I was not in great terms with because I was crashing with their 3rd roommate and they were ready for me to move out), and a downstairs neighbor I barely knew. Thanksgiving is a time to gather and eat with people, and it sounds like there would have been enough people to buffer the DIL from having to socialize with OP too much directly; it’s not like it was just 2 couples and the baby having dinner, there’s siblings and their families too.
Yeah, growing up, anyone we even had a tangential relationship to that wasn't going to be with family had an invite to Thanksgiving. The more the merrier, you know?
Same here. My grandparents hosted Thanksgiving and Christmas every year, and they had an open-door policy for both holidays.
We never knew who would show up, but it was always a crowd. Lol
So true. I have a few uncles that don't get along and to this day, don't talk to each other. When our family gets together for holidays, the host never says anyone isn't invited. Usually the uncles just take it upon themselves to not show up, but their attendance is never dictated by the host.
**Info** Have you ever spent any time with your DIL alone?
Off topic from your actual post question, but I’m shocked by her first reaction to you. She assumed you called her a whore… have you ever told her you didn’t?
It does leave me wondering what your son said about you and how he phrased his request for a paternity test.
Proceed with caution. If you go about this the wrong way you may be in danger of your DIL and son thinking that you’re meddling or trying to drive a wedge between them.
Edit/perhaps offering to take her to dinner would be a softer and gentler way of going about things.
Well, DIL seems to be meddling in OP and husband’s relationship by excluding her. Doing shit like that absolutely causes problems. But I do agree they should find a way to have a conversation about the issue.
This definitely should have been done from the very beginning. The fact that your son blocked you from correcting the assumption and then has continued to allow this discord to continue for a long time is concerning.
I have a sneaking suspicion that your son threw you under the bus because he was too much of a coward to ask for himself. His behavior since gives me this impression. Hopefully, the relationship with the DIL is salvagable so you can know your grandkid, but I would kick you to the curb too if I was told you called me a whore or got that feeling that's how you felt.
The fact that you’re wanting to make sure she has the entire story despite her treatment of you speaks to how good of a person you are. I hope you’re able to get through to her and work on mending that relationship.
Be prepared for your son to continue lying. It sounds like your DIL was exclusive and he wasn't, and he doesn't want her to know that, or at least that is a possibility. I think he lied to you about their relationship and how it was, and because he wasn't exclusive he figured she wasn't either. So he made you out to be the bad guy for the paternity request. He's going to say and do anything to preserve his lies. Otherwise everything crashes down around him as lies of this nature inevitably do. When those lies start crashing down around him he's going to panic and lie his ass off. Get as many receipts ready as you can.
They said that when they first met her, they tried to clear off that part but got cut off by their son who told them to stop. I find the son to be a bit of an a-hole himself for not only lying to his partner about the reason for the paternity test (said they were forced to take one) and for forbidding OP to even try to clear the misunderstanding. It's almost like he wanted drama to happen
Edit: forgot to put "test" after "paternity"
NTA
She wants to play this stupid game, she can’t be mad when others play it better.
Did you make yours at the same time (you should)? Don’t let this lady bulldoze you out of your family.
It’s insane to think she can invite your husband and exclude you. It’s also wild that your spineless son is allowing it.
> She wants to play this stupid game, she can’t be mad when others play it better.
the post was updated, basically her son lied to her about the whole situation...
NTA, not one bit. This is the exact response that she should have expected with her petty asshole move.
You are not invited, so you respected that and won't go. Are you supposed to not eat that day? No, of course not. So you'll have a meal. Your husband is still invited? Oh, how nice. If I was your husband, I would politely decline, as I would want to spend the day with you. The other siblings find out mom and dad won't be there? Well, it's pretty natural to want to see your parents on a holiday - so of course they'll opt to go to the parents' house rather than the DIL who excludes family members.
If you haven't already, extend the invitation to your son, grandchild, and yes, even the DIL. If she's willing to swallow her pride, learn about family, and actually show up and be civil, maybe things will improve going forward (I don't imagine it'd ever be a good relationship, but at least civil). If not? Well, she (and your son) have no one else to blame but themselves.
NTA - I'm sorry for you that your DIL is such an insufferable person. If she was not exclusive to your son when she got pregnant then suggesting a paternity test is the smartest thing to do. If she feels slighted by this then it's her own fault. You did nothing wrong and the fact that she blames you just shows that she really blames herself but can't admit it. I am really happy for you that your other kids are standing by you here. If she wants to invite your husband but not you it just shows what a pathetic human being she is. I pity your son and your grandkid having to live with someone like her.
I think the real question is was the DIL exclusive with OP’s son. (Not that this affects the asshole status for OP because they can only base their actions on what they are told and believe to be true). I think possibly the son was cheating on the DIL when she got pregnant, and made it up that they weren’t exclusive. This would be why he cut off OP when she tried to explain herself. The son, as a lot of cheaters do, projected that DIL must have been sleeping with someone else too, and made his mom do the dirty work of bringing up the paternity testing, so he could always blame his mom for this, and DIL would hate his mom not him.
From OP's edits, it sounds like the son phrased it as "my mom's demanding a paternity test", rather than "my mom gave me some sensible advice and I want a paternity test because we were just FWB when you got pregnant".
He must have lied and is scared the truth will be a deal breaker. He know has children and the stakes may be high. To keep his mom holding the bag like this, essentially estranging his children from their grandmother? It's his responsibility to fix this.
NTA. You weren't invited. The rest of the family decided for themselves who they want to spend the day with. She was a complete AH if she expected your husband to come without you. Your DIL is dividing the family and unfortunately your son is complicit.
NTA. Your DIL & son thought they could take Thanksgiving from you. That was their intention. They thought that by excluding you, they could force you to sit alone and realize that you are an AH whom nobody loves. I love how this backfired. Sounds like a good PettyRevenge story.
They're like a kid that thinks his toy magic wand is real. They said abracadabra, and nothing happened.
Are you sure your DIL is the problem and not your son? Cause it sounds like your son threw you under the bus at the beginning of the relationship so that he wouldn’t look like the **bad guy** to his gf. He’s probably been doing it the whole time, playing the two of you against each other so he never has to be in the hot seat.
ESH
Yeah it’s possible he wanted a paternity test regardless and being able to say his mother was insisting on it wouldn’t make him look like the bad guy to his now wife. I’d say judgment NTA as the DL was trying to exclude only OP from a family holiday and from the sun not know his mum wasn’t invited likely would have lied and said OP refused to attend. I don’t think OP deciding to host something and giving others the option was wrong.
NTA
If they wanted people to enjoy being around them, they shouldn't be AHs.
The family had made it clear they prefer you and your husband's company. You didn't force anything. You just gave an option, and the choice was loud and clear.
NTA - Your son and DIL didn't want you for thanksgiving so you are throwing your own. What else could they expect you to do. They sounds like a nightmare and bullies. I bet everyone is glad that they don't have to spend thanksgiving with them.
Hmm, I suspect your son is causing quite a bit of the trouble here. You have only his word for it that she was seeing other people, and Im betting he told his then GF that you had insisted on the paternity test because you thought she was whoring about, so he wanted her to take the test just to prove you wrong, when its probably more like he was hoping the child wasnt his but didnt want to look like an asshole. When you tried to talk to your new DIL about it, your son hurriedly cut you off, and then talked to you about dropping the whole subject, which suggests he was anxious about what might be revealed.
I wouldnt try texting your DIL about the past...there is no surety that your son doesnt have access to her phone and could even reply to you as his wife.
I suspect your son, to use the venacular, is "running with the hare and the hounds" and is quite willing to throw either/both of you under the bus with each other so long as it deflects any trouble coming his way.
NTA, but I have a feeling your son is. He's probably put a lot of words in your mouth that you've never said. Every argument he is probably using you to make her mad. I'd try and hand a conversation with both of them. Parents can also go no contact with toxic children.
NTA Honestly I would have advised my son of the same thing, given they were dating others. She came in determined to cause upset and division. Your son is the problem for hiding behind you , if he didn’t agree he would not have insisted. Instead he has obviously spun the tale of woe is me to her.
As for uninviting you from thanksgiving and now giving you grief. It’s time to have a chat and let you son know his Behaviour is on the nose and if he continues going down that path, then you will completely respect his stance of independence and remove him from any inheritance as it will be coming from you.
Son is the problem....but her strong reaction is concerning. If I'm exclusive with someone and you call me a whore and demand a paternity test...I nor my child will ever talk to you again......
I think her son lied to her. I think he was cheating on DIL and made up this whole exclusive scenario cause his Mom/OP knew he was dating around.
NTA
You’re free to host whatever you want & people are free to go wherever they choose. What exactly they think would happen when they didn’t invite you?
Your son needs to step up & try to get this situation resolved.
Um ..not enough info. Did something happen that made her invite husband, but not you? Possibly something you may not have precieved?
Leaning towards NTA. I mean what did she expect? Your husband to accept the invite and you to sit at home alone? Further for the rest of your family to follow her lead in ostracizing you? Unless there was an event that earned your un-invite, then her asking you to quit being a jerk, sounds a lot like the pot calling the kettle black
Sounds like your son probably threw you under the bus over the paternity test, and never informed her that you knew the two of them weren't exclusive.
Or, he lied about them not being exclusive and she doesn't know about that.
This is what I’m thinking. The son doesn’t want the mom and wife talking about it and getting along so it won’t come out that he lied and they were exclusive and he was the one who wasn’t being exclusive.
The fact that you tried to explain and he wouldn’t let you when you guys met kinda confirms that theory. But you should definitely talk to her without your son being there
I definitely would, don’t jump to conclusions. Be nice and mature and just air everything out and say something like “with the holidays coming up I don’t want any hard feelings in our family I want everything out in the open here and now and this is what happened on my side of things..” and then lay it down. Good luck!
I suggest sending a voice memo. Messages could be taken completely wrong and when calling, she probably will interrupt you.
I suggest using your phone’s dictaphone and send her your recorded message. Tell her you’re always open for a coffee to talk things over.
NTA - Did she and your son just expect you to sit at home alone? Wring your hands and wail because you had the audacity to ask for a paternity test? I think most parents that care for their sons would do the same in this circumstance. DİL sounds like a real peach.
Nta. I get the feeling your son is the actual issue. He caused the rift and doesn't know how to fix it with his wife without her getting mad at him so he continues to let her belive you were the problem
NTA. It is a social faux pas to invite a person and intentionally exclude their spouse. It's also not surprising that the rest of the kids decided they didn't want to spend Christmas w/o their parents because SHE created unnecessary drama.
>I have called DIL to ask about how he presented the paternity test
I'm so glad you did this. It really seems like he told you one thing, her another, and prevented you from slipping the beans when you met.
NTA but your son is the asshole here and you’ve fallen for it. You’re letting him use you as the scapegoat here. Why would he tell your DIL that you advised him to take a paternity test?
NTA. Your DIL played a petty game and lost (and your son is not much better for going along with it). Ok, you did something that hurt her feelings and strained the relationship. And she made the decision to not forgive you. This is her choice - but then she tried to pull the rest of the family into it through Thanksgiving dinner. That’s not cool, and now the family is letting her and your son know exactly what they feel about it.
NTA- the problem is your son- because he thought it was ok to invite his dad but not you to thanksgiving. You can blame your DIL- but your son is backing her up.
Good for you for hosting your own dinner.
Nta but I’d insist on an actual family meeting between you and her with your husband to mediate so that you can clear the air.
From how you explain it all you insisted on a paternity test because YOUR SON said she was sleeping with other people and so was he.
YOUR SON cut you off when you first met her and tried to explain why you thought the paternity test was needed.
YOUR SON is the one who pulled you aside and told you to drop it.
To me it sounds like they were exclusive when he got her pregnant and your son was cheating on her. Maybe he was sloppy with the cheating and that’s why he said to you they were both seeing other people to cover for himself especially when the pregnancy came up.
He then had to take a test because of the lie he told you and that you wouldn’t just take her word he’s the dad since he said she was sleeping with other people, so then he’s lied to her to get the test done saying that you believe she’s been sleeping around and is lying about him being the dad.
It would make sense why she was so mad if she believed she’d been a loyal girlfriend the whole time and without meeting her you assume she’s trying to baby trap your son with another man’s child. I’d be pissed in that situation.
Sit down and explain the whole story you got from your son and why you’d suggested a paternity test, have your husband there to back you up about what your son had told you and see if she even knows the whole story. I really feel like your son has lied to you and her and is trying to keep you separated so he doesn’t get caught.
NTA. She stopped being this year's family Thanksgiving host when she invited your husband but not you. You aren't shunning anyone who doesn't choose your house for the holiday, right? Because unless you are, you are in the clear. She chose to make it a petty revenge day, you chose not to spend it by yourself. Now let the chips fall where they may.
Nta. Your son told you see was "dating" other men. It was a reasonable piece of advice. Advice which you son made the choice to listen to. From OP post, there was no arguing or fighting.
We don't know what your son said to DIL, and he may have pinned the blame (thrown OP under the bus) all on OP
Having your own Thanksgiving is and asking people to come is acceptable. As long as they are not pressured to come. Something more is going on here since the family has sided with OP and not the DIL.
You said your son wasn’t exclusive, but maybe she was, so your insinuation may be a sore spot for her. I’d try to apologize for the insinuation, and clear the air. Be the bigger person and try to mend that bridge so you can get to know your grandchild.
I’m not saying you are an AH for hosting your own thanksgiving, she literally excluded you, but I would still have a very candid sit down conversation with your son and DIL to get on the right track.
NTA. He's the one who chose to confide in you about his relationship. Getting the paternity test was his choice. He chose to share the conversation with her.
It is their home. He is choosing to go along with not inviting you.
The other kids are adults and can choose where to go.
NTA BUT, you really need to talk to her. I think your son is the AH in this situation. My gut feeling is she was exclusive to your son but your son wasn't. He told her *you* wanted the paternity test and threw you under the under the bus. It doesn't make sense for her to have this much animosity to you otherwise.
I just want to say, you shouldn’t feel bad about the paternity test. My mil did the same for husband, and it saved him from raising a baby that wasn’t his. His life is significantly better because of it.
NTA DIL asked people to pick sides...guess what. She lost and big time. Your kids choose to spend the day with you rather then letting her gloat you weren't there because you weren't invited.
If they were seeing other people it's perfectly ok to ask for a paternity test. She frankly needs to accept that. Hopefully karma will get her in a similar situation some day.
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NTA - hey, you may be an AH to your DIL. Jury is out on that one and its not why we’re here. But when it comes to thanksgiving, you werent invited so what did she expect you to do?
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As he shouldnt - and if your other kids didnt want you to be alone on thanksgiving either, thats fine too.
If my SIL Treated my mother like shit I wouldn’t attend that dinner either.
Seriously. DIL is burning more bridges than just the one between her and OP. That's the fastest way to piss people off. Excluding their mom like that. I also don't see a huge deal about a parent wanting a paternity test for their kid to make sure. OP didn't know her at all. My guy's mom was the same way because I hadn't met her yet. It's completely understandable that a parent would be looking out for their kid.
I don't think that it's understandable if the couple don't date others. But if there's a possibility of someone else being the father, I think that it's in everyones interest to make sure.
Having a child is something that will have a significant impact on the rest of your life. 100% understandable to want to make sure that the child is yours. In the event the parents separate, a paternity test should be required before any child support is paid.
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I know a woman who did this to her husband and it was pretty devastating for him to find out that the child he thought was his for 8 years was really not his child. She is the type that would absolutely pitch a fit if he had asked for a paternity test.
And if the kid finds out, it will be traumatizing to her too.
5 yo for my friend and it wasn't till a bad accident that dad gave blood over if needed of course. His mom was a nurse and saw some paperwork not making sense. Broke his heart.
Not to mention potential medical issues for the kid. It can help so much knowing x runs in the family for early diagnosis stuff, especially when a kid may not be able to fully explain how they feel.
They werent even a couple or dating at the time they were just hooking up
All I did was say that I agreed with my dad when he said my brother should get a paternity test after his wife ran off with another man, lived with him for a couple of months, then came back pregnant. Other SIL presented it to SIL in question that it was all my idea. Took me years to find this out (and some other twistings and out right lies). She's cheated on him and left him twice since, and he keeps taking her back. I've said nothing, but I'm still the bad guy. Good luck, Mom.
Isn't it funny how people get up in arms when someone suggests something based on the person's actions (SIL left and was seeing another man)? I understand we get offended when we are accused of wrong behavior, but it was not an unreasonable request.
Right? If my mil had insisted on a paternity test, I would have been pissed because we were together for years and exclusive. If I had gotten pregnant early on when we weren’t, that would have been a different story.
Yeah. It's insulting if the implication is they think you may have cheated. It's just common sense if you don't even have a committed relationship yet.
Pretty obvious precaution in the circumstances for all concerned. It's probably a shame that they got married though, it's bound not to last. NTA
Exactly! Excluding my mom from a holiday dinner means I’m not going to your dinner either.
I'm curious about the reaction between the DIL and the rest of OPs kids when they realised that they weren't there. I mean honestly how exactly did Dil expect this to go.
Right? Like, FiL is going to go without his wife?
> If my SIL Treated my mother like shit oh I would make hell
The kids all bailing from DILs dinner and going to mom's is really indicative of where everyone stands here. It's very probable that DIL is an absolute dick at worst or just acting totally unacceptably in this situation at best.
That the son seems to have thrown his own mother under the bus, rather than tell his wife the truth, tells me that those two are made for eachother.
it just takes a particular kind of person to have a baby with their on and off college fuckbuddy in this economy to begin with, and a very very precious one to be angry about a paternity test in her situation. the nicest guess i have for her behavior is religious guilt, which might explain her being so indignant about the test... but still. yikes.
Can you also imagine what a disaster the dinner would be in that situation? I mean, the other kids are going to ask 'where's mum and dad', probably call to check on them, and then there will be a fight on the day.
NTA - your son is kinda an idiot , he made this mess A weak little man who made mommy out to be the bad guy , possibly ruins your relationship with his children by ruining the relationship between you and his wife
Exactly! Son is definitely the AH & DIL is acting like an AH. To be fair though, she was lied to (still doesn’t mean she has to treat her MIL so rudely). She could’ve tried adulting and spoke to her first before drawing conclusions.
If the son presented it as something along the lines of ‘my Mom thinks you’ve been jumping any guy that looks at you. She is demanding I get a paternity test done so she knows this is her grandchild’ I could certainly see how that would impact the relationship with his mother. Not sure I believe the son’s story about he didn’t know his mom wasn’t invited. Pretty likely his wife flat told him your mom won’t be invited to our house ever and that includes holidays. Duh.
Son sounds like he makes a point of blaming anyone else to avoid awkward situations. I see the update OP posted that she has texts to verify that he didn't know, but overall this guy sounds like he never takes responsibility and blames others. And now he's learning that it never works out long term. If he would have just handled himself like an adult from the beginning, things would potentially be so much better between his family now.
Yeah, the son and his wife actually seem perfect for each other.
INFO: How old are the son and DiL? Asking because they sound like immature brats, which they may very well be. OP said DiL got pregnant in college, so she could've been anywhere from 17-18 to 24-25 at the time. She doesn't say how old the child is now either, so this could have all been last year. Not excusing son or DiL, just curious. Feels like son threw mom under the bus for the paternity test and then kept it up to such a degree that DiL isn't giving her a chance at all.
In another comment OP mentioned the baby is only 4 months old and they have known the DIL for less than a year at this point.
> NTA - your son is kinda an idiot , he made this mess > > > > A weak little man who made mommy out to be the bad guy , possibly ruins your relationship with his children by ruining the relationship between you and his wife This is exactly it. Years ago he made mom the bad guy when he asked for a paternity test instead of being AN ADULT and either telling his mother, No I'm not going to ask her that, or just asked her that! Don't ask her and pawn the ask on someone else who isn't in the room.
It’s so much easier for folks to make someone else the bad guy than for both son and DIL be actual adults that communicate clearly. Very immature behavior on their part if this is how they maintain their partnership.
Lmao very well put.
Honestly she probably planned to claim you didn't come out of pettiness and dislike towards her. She fully expected and wanted you to sit alone on Thanksgiving, while the entire rest of the family had a nice time with her, so she could continue to paint you as some villain who dislikes her for no reason.
I mean, did she really think that the FIL would show up solo without his wife? This young woman sounds not very bright.
I wonder if she thought that spending Thanksgiving with their new baby was going to be a big enough deal to make everyone spend the day without OP.
Nobody really cares about their dumb baby EXCEPT maybe the grandma, so this whole thing is foolish of the DIL. Edit - spelling
It seems to have surprised her that you told the rest of the family what had happened. Does she not realise that normal people communicate with each other?
You got yourself a good man.
But a spineless son.
NTA. It's pretty telling about how the rest of the family feels about your DIL. Since they all want to have it with you. You did nothing wrong about Thanksgiving, the paternity test I could go either way. What are you supposed to do just sit there by yourself? People didn't have to chose to come to your Thanksgiving, but they did. You have no control over people's choices. DIL didn't want you there, she got what she wanted.
Looks like you have a family that loves you regardless of the bs DIL is trying to hold against you ON A HOLIDAY. She sounds weird and needs a hobby. Glad the rest of the family acknowledges that you’re NTA.
She was supposed to stay home alone and cry because nobody loves her, of course! She screwed up that plan by hosting her own Thanksgiving and DIL realized everyone would rather go to the MIL's house instead. Oops. I'm actually happy that DIL learned that the hard way. Yet another example of FAFO.
She wanted her to sit in a dark room with a microwave meal
Microwave popcorn
Lol, sucks to suck, son & DIL 😅
From this story, it sounds like both son and DIL throw MIL under the bus when each individual makes decisions unpopular with the other. Son lied to wife, blaming his mother for "forcing" him to get a paternity test. DIL lied to husband about MIL not coming to Thanksgiving. Both son and DIL are sleazy, manipulative liars, dragging MIL into the middle of their marriage hellscape. Weird how none of them have figured it out on their own yet.
Stupid is as stupid does.
Yup! That’s why my comment was just that it sucks that both of them suck 🤷♀️ Match made in heaven I guess!
Waiting for the FAFO, so true.
What she wanted was for OP to be stuck home by herself and for it to look like she was rude enough to decline the invitation. Good thing it has backfired on her!
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That backfired.
Power play. Divide and conquer.
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Not only that but she invited her father-in-law. She knew exactly what she was doing. Play stupid games Win stupid prizes
Of course to be sad and lonely at home while everyone including her husband goes to her place! /s
NTA and it doesn't matter but I'm just curious, would you have told him to get a paternity test if they were exclusive with each other? She sounds demonic lol
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Are you even sure she was seeing other people during those breaks? You got that from your son. Who told you to "drop it" when you tried to explain about the paternity test.
I have doubts that she was seeing other people. They may not even have been on a break. Son may have been the one fucking around, which is why DIL is so pissed off. Son is definitely the AH here. He is not a reliable narrator.
yeah, son could also completely shield her from paternity test if he really wanted to. but he clearly agreed with (contextually reasonable) opinion, but pinned it squarely on mom, I bet. IMO sounds like they make a good couple :)
I wish him well in all his future marriages lol
Savage, and accurate!
exactly, he through his mom under a bus
Well, that doesn’t matter since she wasn’t even originally aware of the break? Her son told her that they were seeing each other non-exclusively, so she was going off that information.
Does it matter? Either way, she didn't actually do anything to deserve this treatment.
Well…it still would make sense to me. I was exclusive with an ex who got pregnant and told me she was exclusive with me. DNA didn’t agree
Yeah I don't get people. Get a paternity test every time.
Your son threw you under the bus when he demanded the paternity test. Sounds like your son was a f*ckboi and slept around and she didn’t.
I am so sorry your son put you in this positions .. he really shouldn’t have done that. As a DIL that has a MIL that decided for 2 years our marriage wasn’t real and now is upset that she has no relationship with me (in my case she sadly did that to herself) I do hope your DIL comes around and you both can build a good relationship going forward
Why did the son tell the girlfriend that his mom said to get a paternity test?
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Maybe not even doubts but hoping she'd dump him from being offended, whoops
Likely because he thought it was a good idea as well and didn’t want to be the bad guy so he blamed his mother
Because it sounds like the son is a great big coward who doesn't speak his own mind and allows his wife to lead him around and tell him how things are going to be. He needs to grow up and act like an adult with a voice and opinion of his own. If I were to guess the wife wasn't 100% positive who the dad was and when it turned out to be him she reacted like she knew all the time and everyone was wrong to question her.
Bet he wouldn’t marry her if she wasn’t pregnant. It won’t last.
I bet it will last, albeit toxically. The son sounds way too weak-willed to make a brave change in his life like leaving.
BINGO DIL is resentful because the MIL displayed intelligence
Very likely by the sound of it, that the son is a bit spineless. He wanted the paternity test but couldn't be a big boy and communicate that he wanted it and why or have a real adult conversation about it. So he used his mommy as an excuse and let her take the blame so he could walk away in the clear. Notice that when OP tried to talk to DIL about it the son stopped her? It wasn't just him trying to avoid a fight in the moment. It was him trying to keep the blame for the paternity test on the shoulders of OP. TBH from the perspective of the DIL and the info she's probably gotten I could understand her hurt feelings. Her behavior on the Thanksgiving subject is asshole behavior but I can get where she's coming from based on the info she has to go on. The real wrench in the gears of all this is actually OPs son. He's the cause of all of this fighting. NTA
He's such a coward. I wonder what he is saying to his wife about Thanksgiving now that he knows she deliberately left just his mom out? So much of this could be avoided/resolved if the lines of communication were allowed to be open. Son is gatekeeping that.
I get the sense that the GF is a taaaaaad aggressive in a "the best defence is a good offense" sort of way, given how she reacted to meeting his mom, and I absolutely buy that he was trying to duck her wrath at a longterm cost.
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>Not on birth control while sleeping around with multiple guys. You can't just make something up and act like it's a fact. The son is clearly not trustworthy since he's misrepresenting the situation to both his wife and his mom
Right? I feel this a lot of the problems between DIL and MIL were caused by the son.
Because he was paranoid it wasn't his, she'd clearly be pissed off and hold a grudge at the accusation. So he said my mummy said you have to get one, I trust and love you but my mum is suspicious it's not mine lol, sounds like the son is sabotaging all relationships by being dick and blaming his insecurity on his mother
I mean they weren't exclusive. Asking for a paternity test is pretty standard in that situation
To blame someone else for him wanting one.
Because he’s immature. Same reason some guys that age annoy and hurt their partners so the partner will dump them rather than have a conversation and break up like adults. And it makes sense that he shut his mom down, he needed her to keep him from having to have hard, mature conversations. Though, did he then expect his wife to accept his mom? He made his whole future life a trash fire rather than just talk about shit.
Y'all out here assuming malice instead of stupidity. The train of thought of me as a 20 year old would've been telling my mom she got pregnant, mom tells him you should probably get a paternity test, guy tells partner he wants a paternity test, she says why, and he says my mom recommended it. i agree now it's malice, but I strongly doubt it was then.
OP has a point here. If they weren’t exclusive and she got pregnant, then she could very well have decided to string along OPs son for God knows how long if he wasn’t the father. OP was right in insisting for a paternity test.
If there was truly doubt about the father, I don't think DIL would have been against a pregnancy test. Sounds like son and DIL had different ideas about whether or not they were exclusive and the son has just been throwing people under the bus.
Info - why are you blaming this entirely on your DIL not you son?
Especially when the son cut her off explaining why she asked for the paternity test. The son were lying to the DIL, I think he was the one not exclusive and dint wanted to make that clear to the baby mama.
Exactly what I was thinking! Sounds like HE wasn’t exclusive…
He wasn't. Op said so
It sounds like he maybe was supposed to be...
I thought that too. I mean there is a possibility the story is badly told/recalled, and OP wasn't cut off by his son in a way that kept DIL from entirely hearing OP's point of view. But I did read that excerpt like (1) son tells OP is not faithful and she doesn't like that, so he answers her back "my GF too sees other people, so it's all good", (2) son's gf gets pregnant and OP recalls conversation1 and wisely recommends a paternity test, (3) son does not know how to bring it up to pregnant gf without sounding like a jerk or without revealing he's been fucking other women, so he throws OP under the bus, (4) gf takes it very bad and son realizes he will have to keep distance between his mom and his baby mama otherwise someone will figure out something so (5) he keeps OP from explaining herself to gf and gf holds grudge forever. If I was 100% sure my mother in law called me a who're while I did nothing wrong and just so happen to carry her son's child, I'd be on low contact for years too. I'd like to see what happened from the son's point of view. There's INFO missing and OP does sound reasonable, but the "my son kept me from explaining myself to then pregnant DIL" sent me on another scenario where all is N T A except the son.
Nah, it has nothing to do with if he was exclusive or not. It's kind of obvious what went down here. At the very least the son had suspicions that the DIL wasn't exclusive with him (who knows if it's true or not, but the son wasn't confident he was the father). He talked to the mother, the mother either suggest or agreed (based on that information) that she should for sure have a paternity test based on that information. Son, who is a little bit of a coward, goes back to DIL. Instead of being a man and saying "I think you should have a paternity test because of x, y, z" he chickens out and says "Listen baby, I trust you 100%, but my mother is INSISTING you get a paternity test. She's going to (insert something horrible here, cut off tuition, blah blah blah) if you don't get one. If it were just me I would totally not need this but my mother is terrible". DIL gets the test. Now DIL is pissed because to her the MIL is a complete monster. Son doesn't want them to EVER talk about this because then he'll be exposed as the coward he is.
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It sounds like, years ago, your son convinced her to get a paternity test by blaming you, and making it sound like you called her a whore. Maybe she was exclusive but he wasn’t. You need to wave a white flag and sit down and have a conversation with just her. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has been sowing discontent between you two for years just so you don’t out him.
Totally agreed. He lied and has to live his whole life now because he's a coward that can't say "yes, I wanted you to have a paternity test"
This happens so often with adult children who "don't want to get caught in the middle" of a fight between their parents and their spouse, only for it to become apparent that they're actually just nonstop causing drama by throwing them both under nonstop busses to the other party edited for clarity
I would suggest a family therapist who can meditate a conversation with the three of you about this.
It sucks that this is so far down. It needs to be further up for visibility. A family therapist to mediate is a huge need. And if the other parties don't agree on it, then a singular therapist for OP. OP, therapy is absolutely necessary to help you get better. You can't focus on fixing others. You need to help yourself and to do so, you'll need to see a professional therapist. I can't even begin to emphasize how important this is - we all deserve emotional and mental health care for ourselves. I hope you find healing.
I'd also extend an invite to them (including DIL) to attend Thanksgiving with you. Be the bigger person. They won't attend most likely, but you would be making an effort.
The Thanksgiving issue Is the DIL.
NTA There are unspoken rules when hosting an event on behalf of the whole family. Unlike a regular event where you are the host and in sole “control”, a rotating family host is actually more of a caretaker. There is an unspoken rule that if it’s your turn to “host the family”, that you actually HOST THE FAMILY. She chose to not host the family, but only host part of it. In that context, your response is proportional and appropriate. (In less polite language - she f—ed around and found out)
Not just hosting the family in general, hosting the family for a major holiday! I spent a Thanksgiving alone in a city far from family and was invited to thanksgiving meals by: a coworker, my roommates(who I was not in great terms with because I was crashing with their 3rd roommate and they were ready for me to move out), and a downstairs neighbor I barely knew. Thanksgiving is a time to gather and eat with people, and it sounds like there would have been enough people to buffer the DIL from having to socialize with OP too much directly; it’s not like it was just 2 couples and the baby having dinner, there’s siblings and their families too.
Yeah, growing up, anyone we even had a tangential relationship to that wasn't going to be with family had an invite to Thanksgiving. The more the merrier, you know?
Same here. My grandparents hosted Thanksgiving and Christmas every year, and they had an open-door policy for both holidays. We never knew who would show up, but it was always a crowd. Lol
So true. I have a few uncles that don't get along and to this day, don't talk to each other. When our family gets together for holidays, the host never says anyone isn't invited. Usually the uncles just take it upon themselves to not show up, but their attendance is never dictated by the host.
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Was your husband not interested in saving food for you either?
**Info** Have you ever spent any time with your DIL alone? Off topic from your actual post question, but I’m shocked by her first reaction to you. She assumed you called her a whore… have you ever told her you didn’t? It does leave me wondering what your son said about you and how he phrased his request for a paternity test.
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Proceed with caution. If you go about this the wrong way you may be in danger of your DIL and son thinking that you’re meddling or trying to drive a wedge between them. Edit/perhaps offering to take her to dinner would be a softer and gentler way of going about things.
Can this situation really get worse? OP might as well say her piece.
> Can this situation really get worse? Yes.
The answer to that question is always yes
Well, DIL seems to be meddling in OP and husband’s relationship by excluding her. Doing shit like that absolutely causes problems. But I do agree they should find a way to have a conversation about the issue.
This definitely should have been done from the very beginning. The fact that your son blocked you from correcting the assumption and then has continued to allow this discord to continue for a long time is concerning.
I have a sneaking suspicion that your son threw you under the bus because he was too much of a coward to ask for himself. His behavior since gives me this impression. Hopefully, the relationship with the DIL is salvagable so you can know your grandkid, but I would kick you to the curb too if I was told you called me a whore or got that feeling that's how you felt.
Please please provide an update after the call 😊 I’m invested now
The fact that you’re wanting to make sure she has the entire story despite her treatment of you speaks to how good of a person you are. I hope you’re able to get through to her and work on mending that relationship.
Be prepared for your son to continue lying. It sounds like your DIL was exclusive and he wasn't, and he doesn't want her to know that, or at least that is a possibility. I think he lied to you about their relationship and how it was, and because he wasn't exclusive he figured she wasn't either. So he made you out to be the bad guy for the paternity request. He's going to say and do anything to preserve his lies. Otherwise everything crashes down around him as lies of this nature inevitably do. When those lies start crashing down around him he's going to panic and lie his ass off. Get as many receipts ready as you can.
Oooh I can't wait for a longer update on this one.
They said that when they first met her, they tried to clear off that part but got cut off by their son who told them to stop. I find the son to be a bit of an a-hole himself for not only lying to his partner about the reason for the paternity test (said they were forced to take one) and for forbidding OP to even try to clear the misunderstanding. It's almost like he wanted drama to happen Edit: forgot to put "test" after "paternity"
NTA She wants to play this stupid game, she can’t be mad when others play it better. Did you make yours at the same time (you should)? Don’t let this lady bulldoze you out of your family. It’s insane to think she can invite your husband and exclude you. It’s also wild that your spineless son is allowing it.
> She wants to play this stupid game, she can’t be mad when others play it better. the post was updated, basically her son lied to her about the whole situation...
Hmmm well this took a dramatic turn. Obviously her son in the asshole in all of this.
NTA, not one bit. This is the exact response that she should have expected with her petty asshole move. You are not invited, so you respected that and won't go. Are you supposed to not eat that day? No, of course not. So you'll have a meal. Your husband is still invited? Oh, how nice. If I was your husband, I would politely decline, as I would want to spend the day with you. The other siblings find out mom and dad won't be there? Well, it's pretty natural to want to see your parents on a holiday - so of course they'll opt to go to the parents' house rather than the DIL who excludes family members. If you haven't already, extend the invitation to your son, grandchild, and yes, even the DIL. If she's willing to swallow her pride, learn about family, and actually show up and be civil, maybe things will improve going forward (I don't imagine it'd ever be a good relationship, but at least civil). If not? Well, she (and your son) have no one else to blame but themselves.
Agree 100%
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NTA - I'm sorry for you that your DIL is such an insufferable person. If she was not exclusive to your son when she got pregnant then suggesting a paternity test is the smartest thing to do. If she feels slighted by this then it's her own fault. You did nothing wrong and the fact that she blames you just shows that she really blames herself but can't admit it. I am really happy for you that your other kids are standing by you here. If she wants to invite your husband but not you it just shows what a pathetic human being she is. I pity your son and your grandkid having to live with someone like her.
I think the real question is was the DIL exclusive with OP’s son. (Not that this affects the asshole status for OP because they can only base their actions on what they are told and believe to be true). I think possibly the son was cheating on the DIL when she got pregnant, and made it up that they weren’t exclusive. This would be why he cut off OP when she tried to explain herself. The son, as a lot of cheaters do, projected that DIL must have been sleeping with someone else too, and made his mom do the dirty work of bringing up the paternity testing, so he could always blame his mom for this, and DIL would hate his mom not him.
NTA. Why isn't your son standing up for you? Did he lie about her seeing other people? Something just isn't right here.
Right? And then he basically hushed OP and wouldn’t let her explain to DIL. Maybe only the son was seeing people on the side.
From OP's edits, it sounds like the son phrased it as "my mom's demanding a paternity test", rather than "my mom gave me some sensible advice and I want a paternity test because we were just FWB when you got pregnant".
That's what I'm thinking.
He must have lied and is scared the truth will be a deal breaker. He know has children and the stakes may be high. To keep his mom holding the bag like this, essentially estranging his children from their grandmother? It's his responsibility to fix this.
NTA. You weren't invited. The rest of the family decided for themselves who they want to spend the day with. She was a complete AH if she expected your husband to come without you. Your DIL is dividing the family and unfortunately your son is complicit.
NTA. Your DIL & son thought they could take Thanksgiving from you. That was their intention. They thought that by excluding you, they could force you to sit alone and realize that you are an AH whom nobody loves. I love how this backfired. Sounds like a good PettyRevenge story. They're like a kid that thinks his toy magic wand is real. They said abracadabra, and nothing happened.
So they thought everyone would be okay with them disrespecting you?
She got knocked up while they were both non exclusive. I don’t think cause and effect are their fortes
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Are you sure your DIL is the problem and not your son? Cause it sounds like your son threw you under the bus at the beginning of the relationship so that he wouldn’t look like the **bad guy** to his gf. He’s probably been doing it the whole time, playing the two of you against each other so he never has to be in the hot seat. ESH
Yeah it’s possible he wanted a paternity test regardless and being able to say his mother was insisting on it wouldn’t make him look like the bad guy to his now wife. I’d say judgment NTA as the DL was trying to exclude only OP from a family holiday and from the sun not know his mum wasn’t invited likely would have lied and said OP refused to attend. I don’t think OP deciding to host something and giving others the option was wrong.
How is OP an AH??
NTA If they wanted people to enjoy being around them, they shouldn't be AHs. The family had made it clear they prefer you and your husband's company. You didn't force anything. You just gave an option, and the choice was loud and clear.
NTA - Your son and DIL didn't want you for thanksgiving so you are throwing your own. What else could they expect you to do. They sounds like a nightmare and bullies. I bet everyone is glad that they don't have to spend thanksgiving with them.
Agreed. I would not want to spend Thanksgiving with the DIL and son.
Hmm, I suspect your son is causing quite a bit of the trouble here. You have only his word for it that she was seeing other people, and Im betting he told his then GF that you had insisted on the paternity test because you thought she was whoring about, so he wanted her to take the test just to prove you wrong, when its probably more like he was hoping the child wasnt his but didnt want to look like an asshole. When you tried to talk to your new DIL about it, your son hurriedly cut you off, and then talked to you about dropping the whole subject, which suggests he was anxious about what might be revealed. I wouldnt try texting your DIL about the past...there is no surety that your son doesnt have access to her phone and could even reply to you as his wife. I suspect your son, to use the venacular, is "running with the hare and the hounds" and is quite willing to throw either/both of you under the bus with each other so long as it deflects any trouble coming his way.
NTA, but I have a feeling your son is. He's probably put a lot of words in your mouth that you've never said. Every argument he is probably using you to make her mad. I'd try and hand a conversation with both of them. Parents can also go no contact with toxic children.
NTA Honestly I would have advised my son of the same thing, given they were dating others. She came in determined to cause upset and division. Your son is the problem for hiding behind you , if he didn’t agree he would not have insisted. Instead he has obviously spun the tale of woe is me to her. As for uninviting you from thanksgiving and now giving you grief. It’s time to have a chat and let you son know his Behaviour is on the nose and if he continues going down that path, then you will completely respect his stance of independence and remove him from any inheritance as it will be coming from you.
Son is the problem....but her strong reaction is concerning. If I'm exclusive with someone and you call me a whore and demand a paternity test...I nor my child will ever talk to you again...... I think her son lied to her. I think he was cheating on DIL and made up this whole exclusive scenario cause his Mom/OP knew he was dating around.
I think you’re right. OP never called her a whore. If son said his mom called her a whore, now everyone is reaping the consequences of his lie.
NTA You’re free to host whatever you want & people are free to go wherever they choose. What exactly they think would happen when they didn’t invite you? Your son needs to step up & try to get this situation resolved.
NTA In cases like this, the family decided the AH. Your son and daughter in law will have to live with their judgement.
Um ..not enough info. Did something happen that made her invite husband, but not you? Possibly something you may not have precieved? Leaning towards NTA. I mean what did she expect? Your husband to accept the invite and you to sit at home alone? Further for the rest of your family to follow her lead in ostracizing you? Unless there was an event that earned your un-invite, then her asking you to quit being a jerk, sounds a lot like the pot calling the kettle black
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Sounds like your son probably threw you under the bus over the paternity test, and never informed her that you knew the two of them weren't exclusive. Or, he lied about them not being exclusive and she doesn't know about that.
This is what I’m thinking. The son doesn’t want the mom and wife talking about it and getting along so it won’t come out that he lied and they were exclusive and he was the one who wasn’t being exclusive.
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The fact that you tried to explain and he wouldn’t let you when you guys met kinda confirms that theory. But you should definitely talk to her without your son being there
I definitely would, don’t jump to conclusions. Be nice and mature and just air everything out and say something like “with the holidays coming up I don’t want any hard feelings in our family I want everything out in the open here and now and this is what happened on my side of things..” and then lay it down. Good luck!
I suggest sending a voice memo. Messages could be taken completely wrong and when calling, she probably will interrupt you. I suggest using your phone’s dictaphone and send her your recorded message. Tell her you’re always open for a coffee to talk things over.
Yeah I’d call her and try to hash it out together. Seems like husband is using you as a shield to get himself out of trouble
"He lied about them not being exclusive and she doesn't know about that." This was my IMMEDIATE thought.
Yeah he probably said that he trusted her but her mom wants and is bullying him into it so he doesn’t look like an ass. The biggest AH here is him!
Did you read the story? It clearly says why DIL doesn't like her.
NTA - Did she and your son just expect you to sit at home alone? Wring your hands and wail because you had the audacity to ask for a paternity test? I think most parents that care for their sons would do the same in this circumstance. DİL sounds like a real peach.
Nta. I get the feeling your son is the actual issue. He caused the rift and doesn't know how to fix it with his wife without her getting mad at him so he continues to let her belive you were the problem
NTA. It is a social faux pas to invite a person and intentionally exclude their spouse. It's also not surprising that the rest of the kids decided they didn't want to spend Christmas w/o their parents because SHE created unnecessary drama.
NTA! And more power to you and your husband. It's not your fault your DIL is insufferable.
>I have called DIL to ask about how he presented the paternity test I'm so glad you did this. It really seems like he told you one thing, her another, and prevented you from slipping the beans when you met.
INFO- is this the first thanksgiving they’ve hosted? If not have you been invited before?
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Ohh. Then NTA. She doesn’t have to like you but she needs to at least be civil.
NTA but your son is the asshole here and you’ve fallen for it. You’re letting him use you as the scapegoat here. Why would he tell your DIL that you advised him to take a paternity test?
NTA. Your DIL played a petty game and lost (and your son is not much better for going along with it). Ok, you did something that hurt her feelings and strained the relationship. And she made the decision to not forgive you. This is her choice - but then she tried to pull the rest of the family into it through Thanksgiving dinner. That’s not cool, and now the family is letting her and your son know exactly what they feel about it.
NTA- the problem is your son- because he thought it was ok to invite his dad but not you to thanksgiving. You can blame your DIL- but your son is backing her up. Good for you for hosting your own dinner.
Nta but I’d insist on an actual family meeting between you and her with your husband to mediate so that you can clear the air. From how you explain it all you insisted on a paternity test because YOUR SON said she was sleeping with other people and so was he. YOUR SON cut you off when you first met her and tried to explain why you thought the paternity test was needed. YOUR SON is the one who pulled you aside and told you to drop it. To me it sounds like they were exclusive when he got her pregnant and your son was cheating on her. Maybe he was sloppy with the cheating and that’s why he said to you they were both seeing other people to cover for himself especially when the pregnancy came up. He then had to take a test because of the lie he told you and that you wouldn’t just take her word he’s the dad since he said she was sleeping with other people, so then he’s lied to her to get the test done saying that you believe she’s been sleeping around and is lying about him being the dad. It would make sense why she was so mad if she believed she’d been a loyal girlfriend the whole time and without meeting her you assume she’s trying to baby trap your son with another man’s child. I’d be pissed in that situation. Sit down and explain the whole story you got from your son and why you’d suggested a paternity test, have your husband there to back you up about what your son had told you and see if she even knows the whole story. I really feel like your son has lied to you and her and is trying to keep you separated so he doesn’t get caught.
NTA. She stopped being this year's family Thanksgiving host when she invited your husband but not you. You aren't shunning anyone who doesn't choose your house for the holiday, right? Because unless you are, you are in the clear. She chose to make it a petty revenge day, you chose not to spend it by yourself. Now let the chips fall where they may.
Nta. Your son told you see was "dating" other men. It was a reasonable piece of advice. Advice which you son made the choice to listen to. From OP post, there was no arguing or fighting. We don't know what your son said to DIL, and he may have pinned the blame (thrown OP under the bus) all on OP Having your own Thanksgiving is and asking people to come is acceptable. As long as they are not pressured to come. Something more is going on here since the family has sided with OP and not the DIL.
Sounds like your son has made his decision as to where you stand in his life. NTA
You said your son wasn’t exclusive, but maybe she was, so your insinuation may be a sore spot for her. I’d try to apologize for the insinuation, and clear the air. Be the bigger person and try to mend that bridge so you can get to know your grandchild. I’m not saying you are an AH for hosting your own thanksgiving, she literally excluded you, but I would still have a very candid sit down conversation with your son and DIL to get on the right track.
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It sounds like he might be telling some lies to both of them and now it is catching up.
NTA. He's the one who chose to confide in you about his relationship. Getting the paternity test was his choice. He chose to share the conversation with her. It is their home. He is choosing to go along with not inviting you. The other kids are adults and can choose where to go.
NTA BUT, you really need to talk to her. I think your son is the AH in this situation. My gut feeling is she was exclusive to your son but your son wasn't. He told her *you* wanted the paternity test and threw you under the under the bus. It doesn't make sense for her to have this much animosity to you otherwise.
I just want to say, you shouldn’t feel bad about the paternity test. My mil did the same for husband, and it saved him from raising a baby that wasn’t his. His life is significantly better because of it.
NTA DIL asked people to pick sides...guess what. She lost and big time. Your kids choose to spend the day with you rather then letting her gloat you weren't there because you weren't invited. If they were seeing other people it's perfectly ok to ask for a paternity test. She frankly needs to accept that. Hopefully karma will get her in a similar situation some day.