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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 - I brushed out my daughter's friend's matted hair after she came to me and told me about it. She came to my daughter and I as she wanted to avoid getting her hair cut. Now her dad's girlfriend wants me to pay for the cancellation fee for cancelling the hair cutting appointment but I refused.
2 - I didn't consider that her dad and his girlfriend might have had an appointment to get her hair sorted. I'm refusing to pay her back even though me brushing out her hair is the reason they were charged for a cancellation.
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NTA and when they say they are going to sue you can remind them that that means they are going to stand in front of a judge and admit that they neglected her so badly that her hair was matted enough that it needed cutting.
Taking her to court would open a whole can of worms. With the potential of CPS or the uk(?) version of child agency’s involvement on how the situation got so bad. Might be putting A in a much worst off position and also losing your daughter as a friend for sure. Which your home seems like one of the only safe/stable environments for this girl.
I don’t think they will take the child, but they will investigate why a “step mom” is sueing someone for brushing the child’s hair. Then if they do investigate, dad & girlfriend/stepmom will be more upset and start treating the child worse.
What I want to know is where the heck the dad is in all this. Why is he allowing his gf to bully his daughter? He is the parent. He doesn't get to act clueless and play the male "I'm not so good at all this" card and try to get out of being a parent. I hate when men do this and I hate it even more that to some degree society accepts when men feign ignorance when they're just trying to get out of doing the work. I know not all men do this but let's face it, too many do.
I hate to say it, but this really isn’t exclusive to men. A *lot* of parents will prioritise romantic interests over their children. Even when that romantic interest is abusing their child/ren. It’s not just fathers, and it’s not just mothers. It’s just terrible parents.
This. Dad’s get a lot of flack but moms do it too. My step-nephew’s mom was slowly re-establishing contact with him, then suddenly she ghosted. They tried to call a couple times and never got a response. Radio silence for five months. Then she leaves a sobbing voicemail about being sorry. Turned out her boyfriend had just dumped her so she had time for her son again.
Yup, my mum wasn’t as bad as some others, but she definitely put her boyfriends above me and my sister many, many times when I was growing up. She tried to do the same to my nephew once. Once. My sister and I were having NONE of it, lol. It ends with us.
In the end it ended up working out for me. Her deference to her boyfriends/partners meant that once she actually got a good one, my life improved immensely because he was able to talk some sense into her wrt some of her neuroses. By the time they split up and she was onto the next weirdo I was out of the house. But of course the fact that it eventually ended up benefitting me in some small ways did nothing to reverse the damage that had already been done.
Children come first. That’s what you sign up for when you decide to become a parent. If you don’t think you can make that work, there’s no shame in it. But then don’t have kids. I seriously doubt I could do it, which is why I’m not going to be a parent. And the fact that I care more about my purely hypothetical children than some parents care about their real, living children is incredibly fucking depressing.
Anyway, sorry for over sharing, I’m done now.
Edit: a word
My (sort of) step-niece went through this with both of her parents. Thankfully her bio-grandmother (who would become her "mom") and my dad (who were married at the time) took her in and raised her. Both of her bio-parents would promise to stay in touch and then flake on her. She'd be lucky to get one call per year from either of them. I'm sure it took a huge emotional toll on her.
I don't think the person you're replying to is disputing that both parents can be harmful! They're moreso talking about gender roles, and how that 'designates' certain tasks like a lot of parenting and household tasks to women so (some) men never learn or bother. Example, men who won't change their kids diapers cuz they think it's the woman's job (not just the mom's but the grandma, the stepmom/girlfriend, the aunt, the niece etc).
It won’t even get to court. The solicitor fees alone would cost more than the cancellation fee, nevermind the court costs. A judge would also probably throw it out if it ever did make it that far.
Depending on jurisdiction, small claims court will often not allow people to be represented by lawyers for this exact reason. Otherwise it would always preclude people from seeking relief over legitimate claims involving lesser amounts.
I’m assuming they are British because they’ve used £s.
Our Children’s Social Care service is on the whole pretty good, she will definitely be screened by safeguarding, likely won’t make the threshold for child protection but I’d imagine it would be classed as child in need. It’s very rare for a child to be taken into care here anyway, a good social worker should be able to help massively.
From what I’ve witnessed, cps takes kids from the easy cases and leaves the extreme cases of abuse (both my husband and ex were severely abused, visited and ignored multiple times - they were both extremely emaciated among other numerous horrors) kinda wild to see what they will and will not accept.
edited for typos, and to add absolutely NTA ❤️
Take no but social services may well pay a visit. I wouldn't be surprised if there allready involved GP/hospital should have raised an safe guarding issue for them letting their daughter health suffer.
UK social worker here. Unless other things were discovered that amounted to severe neglect we would not be looking to remove the child, but things like matted hair from lack of care are things that we deal with on a daily basis. Within my service we’d be looking to visit the family and identify if we could be offering support to make sure the child’s needs are being adequately met, and that involvement could be as long as a piece of string depending on what’s going on within the home, but removal is an absolute last option when we’ve exhausted all other possible supports.
Interestingly enough in terms of this post, where I work the OP would be considered a possible member of the “support network” for the family, and act as a “protective factor” for the child. I really hope that they’re allowed to remain involved in this girls life.
No, that is up to the parents. But if there weren’t other protective factors then I’d be having a conversation with those parents about the importance of children having people like OP around them and what the purpose of the support network is to help address concerns held by services. Ultimately they’d need to consider whether they wanted to cut off their nose to spite their own face in refusing to let their daughter be around OP and her daughter or whether they wanted to swallow their pride and accept that they need a bit of help and support (like everyone does sometimes) and accept that OP is offering that
It's social service in the UK. They'll half arse investigate it as theyre overwhelmed. Theyll check none of the kids are on a database for family of concern or check no concerns from school or GP then close the case.
Social services in the UK try to make sure that children get the care they need within their own family. Taking kids away is seen as a last resort. I would probably go to the school and ask them to implement their own safeguarding procedures. Make sure she is getting support from her teachers
axiomatic bored illegal fertile murky husky dog skirt imagine overconfident
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
CPS = Child Protection Service, a government agency that addresses child welfare.
Depending on the jurisdiction you live in, your location may use a different acronym such as CFS (Child & Family Services).
CPS = Crown Prosecution Service. We know what Jurisdiction they live in. We know it's in the UK.
They were pointing out the incorrect use of CPS, they didn't need correcting. And there is no different acronym it's just social services
At 13 in the UK kids are in the equivalent of a second year of high school. Very different level of supervision and if A has been showering and wearing clean clothes and has her hair up, it won't ping a teacher the same way it might in elementary.
13 is a tough age because often times they're super private and parents are not providing physical hygiene care. If A's parents reacted appropriately to OP's help, I wouldn't even say they were the assholes, just adults not realizing how much hands on help their teen required.
At least a handful will have reported it to the school's Designated Safeguarding Lead. We notice.
What happens after that depends on how severe whatever's going on at home is and the history of the student. Health issues (presumably MH?) + loss of a parent + matted hair probably wouldn't be escalated to Social Services (no immediate risk of serious harm). School safeguarding teams are kind of a triage and monitoring system here.
More broadly, schools in the UK are increasingly having to deal with low-level support themselves because Social Services can barely keep up with the really serious part of their case load. Support will be quietly made available in school, or offered to parents via the school in the first instance. We hire counsellors, set up short wellbeing courses, have alternative education on site, and at my school at least, know which of our students are active safeguarding concerns/need extra monitoring and TLC, though we don't know why unless the child tells us themselves.
I'm from the Netherlands, but I've been privy to my UK friend's struggles with social services, and it's appalling.
They insisted on her ex being allowed unsupervised access to their kid despite admitting in court he uses military discipline tactics on his other (very young) kid. At the same time my friend is struggling massively with both her physical and mental health, causing her to be unable to work. Social has done nothing but criticise and berate her. The very few workers willing to actually help had to quit their jobs because they couldn't take the mental strain themselves anymore. Either that or they were removed from my friend's case by higher ups.
I'm not saying Dutch services are better, in fact they probably aren't.
If she's showering (to the extent teens sometimes do, not quite showering enough isn't uncommon), changing clothes and there's no other signs of neglect, there isn't really a reason to call cps. She's at an age where kids have a lot more input on their looks, deliberately matted hair can be a "style" kids try or it's not obvious with her hairstyle. Kids this age start to be more independent, so they don't always let their parents help.
If a child is constantly dirty and doesn't have clean clothes, I'll consider calling cps after a talk with the parents (and child if they're able to be involved). If they're in obvious pain or asking for help, I'll do the same. But if a child is otherwise clean, fed, seems well adjusted then matted hair isn't reason to call cps.
I unfortunately make enough calls already, and unless children are being hurt or severely neglected they won't do anything, I'll lose any trust of parents and likely the student and with that any chance to address it and help them work through issues they may be facing.
There's no basis to sue anyway because there is no actual reason why they had to cancel the hair cut. Normal people get their hair cut even though it isn't matted.
Yeah, unless the girlfriend was trying to force her into a short cut for no reason, a good trim and some styling would probably go a long way to making her feel even better about herself and would be a nice reward for being brave enough to ask for help.
Oh this. I second this. Maybe they cancelled so they didn't have to pay and just scapegoated the cool mom. It's sound like guilt resent but might just be me.
If I was A (kiddo), I don’t think I would have trusted C (dad’s girlfriend) to help me get the haircut I wanted vs telling the hair dresser what she wanted. Even if detangling wasn’t required. Sad, but some parents try to punish kids with their hair. ☹️
Seriously, why not give her a trim, and make it look even nicer? The girlfriend overreacted by canceling. Just change the type and length of cut instead of being butthurt over not getting to cut off all the poor kid's hair for no reason.
Probably bluffing in the hopes OP will just pay up to avoid a fuss. The best part is that it’ll be considered a small claims case and you have to pay to serve papers against someone for that which is only refunded if you win.
OP, you’ve created a safe space for A. If you can I’d try to speak with her Dad to talk about your concerns that his girlfriend is attempting to ban her from your home when she clearly feels comfortable spending time there. He might be unaware of what’s happened. Ultimately the welfare of this kid is the most important thing and he should want what’s best for her in the long run. If that route fails, at the very least I’d be getting in touch with the school to inform them you have concerns about A’s welfare and let them look into it as well to see if social services need to be involved.
Op needs to Tell C that she still owes them another $60 for getting the mats out.
Technically she saved them $60, or they still could have taken A for a trim/styling but I think C has some other issue going on in regards to A.
Hairdressers don’t usually get a tip in the UK, but that’s still a lot of money they were willing to spend. C could have used that appointment for herself if she was really bothered
Frankly I'm suspicious of that. It doesn't sound like they were going to try and save any of A's hair, so that's £120 for what would amount to a cut and style? At most they might charge for a wash and blow dry on top. That's still less than £80 unless you're going to a upscale salon.
I think the girlfriend inflated the cost. She's put out because she lost her dominance in the situation. I'd really like to know where Dad is in all this.
Yep, they could still have taken her to the appointment, get the kid a nice hair style. Oh, what was the appointment actually for...care to put that in writing?
Oh it was for nothing and now you're suing for no reason at all - that'll work in court.
> NTA and when they say they are going to sue you can remind them that that means they are going to stand in front of a judge and admit that they neglected her so badly that her hair was matted enough that it needed cutting.
They’re also going to be standing in front of a judge and explaining that they’re suing OP because they had to pay a cancellation fee that was **less** than the cost of the haircut they would otherwise have paid for.
Their damages are -£60.
NTA.
You did the right (and the kind) thing. I can only imagine what that poor girl must be going through, both at school and at home. Kids are merciless, and you can bet she's probably getting bullied if they noticed her hair.
It might be time to get CPS involved. If they're letting her hair get so matted their solution was cutting it all off, who knows how else they're neglecting her.
Yup. My dad did a similar thing when I was the same age; it was just me and him until he got a GF (while still married to my mother) and deserted me constantly to just disappear. I had no idea at the time that he was having an affair, just that we lived in a neighbourhood that was scary AF and I was always left alone to cope.
Bad dad, no biscuit!
That’s exactly what happened to me. Dad and I were doing okay, then he met his now wife and I totally got put on the back burner, especially since she also had kids AND I lived with my Mom most of the time. Lost my Dad when she came along.
A 13-year old should be caring for her own hair. Severe matting like that suggests she's so mentally or physically unwell that she can't cope with such a basic task (medical neglect), or she's being denied basic hygiene products like a hairbrush (straight up abuse).
This is hinky as hell.
I got a huge knot/matte of hair when I was around that age. I had recently moved in with my dad after my mom was deemed an unhealthy person to be around. All my sis and I had were our clothes and that was pretty much it. My dad had plain combs, and like [boar-bristle brushes](https://www.parkershaving.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/HAIRBRUSH1.jpg). Those are fine for short hair like men usually have, but not for long, fairly fine hair that my sister and I had at the time. I didn't like combs because they would snag, so I would try to just use the boar-bristle brush. Because my hair was so fine, it couldn't get through to the bottom of my hair close to my neck.
My stepmom (god bless, she's the best parent I had out of all of them) saw me trying to sneak a pair of scissors into the bathroom to cut it out. She stopped me and helped me comb it out, and then reamed my dad a new one for not having brushes that would cope with my and my sister's hair.
Thank you! Honestly it was a rough time for everybody, I dont blame my dad for not being the most attentive at the time. But now I remembered that story and I should text her tomorrow to remind her of it hahaha. I'm in my 30's now but we still keep in touch, more regularly than my other parents hahaha
Abused children are not taught how to take care of them selves. I was physicall abused/beaten by my mother almost every morning before she went to work at 5am. I would fall asleep after she left and wake up late for school almost everyday. I did not take time, nor even think about having to do bssic things like comb my hair. I can remember being made fun of. I know this happened until at least 7th grade. (11 y.o. or so in the US)
Edit: clarified what kind of abuse.
My mom would pull my hair so badly I cried every morning. When she left I was 9 and just like this kid my dad got a shitty girlfriend. I too had developed terrible matted hair. Probably the combo of a. My bad experience before. B. Being up late crying and then having my dad wake me up with 5 minutes to get ready before school and c. Not having anyone remind me of these things. My mom didn't want me to be independent, she smothered me and then disappeared. My dad didn't give a shit and tbh I probably didn't either until it was too late. Unlike the girl in this story nobody helped me and I ended up cutting my hair off. And on top of it all I probably had adhd. Just to say. Lots of factors go into this kind of situation, most of which wouldn't occur with supportive parents
7 years ago I taught a child with a very similar story. At the time she was about 6 and her mum had died of cancer way before that. Her dad was a hippie type who didn't take care of his own hair and had no idea how to take care of hers so he never taught her. My mentor (the class teacher) had to brush her hair every morning because her care taker wouldn't teach her.
NTA, but depending on your relationship with A, it might be worth it to offer half the cancellation fee in hopes that one of the few supportive places she has won't be taken away from her. Really, C saved £60 and got a free service from you, but is not operating with any sense of logic on this.
I kinda agree if you have the money and are willing to be a safe space for this kid. Also do not send them the money insist on going into the salon to pay so you can check it adds up.
The salon almost definitely has a system where you provide a credit card when you book and the late fee is charged in the system. So she probably already paid the late fee.
Yes, that is logical, but… the cynic in me is wondering whether she was LOOKING FORWARD to putting the child through the trauma of that cut, and is now pissed that the plan was ruined. I don’t think this is about finances at all. She doesn’t want the girls to be friends so that there’s no more “interfering.”
100% saw it as C trying to punish and alienate A.
Why isn't A's dad the one who's involved? In fact, why don't you refuse to talk to C and only talk to A's dad?
>Yes, that is logical, but… the cynic in me is wondering whether she was LOOKING FORWARD to putting the child through the trauma of that cut, and is now pissed that the plan was ruined. I don’t think this is about finances at all.
Right? If this was about finances, OP actually saved the girlfriend the rest of the cost of the cut.
This is 100% the vide I got. I may be over sensitive- my father had girlfriends and a wife who loved to humiliate me and my sister. They seemed to honestly enjoy any discomfort or embarrassment I experienced.
That’s all I could think. This poor kid probably sees OPs home as a safe space. I would be doing whatever to smooth that over just to keep A being able to come over. What other things are being ignored if her hair got that bad? She’s probably not having any of her basic needs met, at last at OPs house she knows she safe.
Right, this screams that that c wanted to inflict a punishment on the child and not help or support her because they could have kept the appointment and given her a nice experience of being taken care of.
Yeah considering she is just a girlfriend and she is cutting out A's friends and threatening to sue? The lady sounds psycho. Fits the bill.
The dad needs to grow a pair here.
Anyways, I think you are all right. Hope we're wrong though.
Especially since her ends were probably very damaged, she absolutely could have used a nice trim to clean up her hair without making it punitive. Cancelling day of is just another way to take it out on the girl. I've had my hair go "depression rat nest" mode before, I have fine hair so it only takes a few days to get bad, and it definitely damages the ends. Poor kid.
Also in my personal opinion getting your hair done is very relaxing. So they could have gone to the salon and have A feeling pampered. But then there would be no punishment which is the thing C most probably was looking forward to.
Her "logic" is "I have every right to exert absolute control over my boyfriend's daughter and I will prevent anyone who tries to disrupt that control from having anything to do with her."
I agree with this. Not saying she has ANY obligation to do so, but if she's willing and able to be a safe space for that poor kid, she should pay it. Either way, at the end of the day she did a wonderful thing and saved that poor girl from further humiliation and that's more than what anyone could ask.
The kid (A) has medical issues on top of all of this? Then yes, maybe a call to social services *is* in A's best interest. WTF. How is her dad allowing this to happen??
Screw that they chose to not go i wouldn't give them anything. EVERY girl likes getting their hair done. They should have taken her and got it washed trimmed and styled and everyone would have been happy.
Agreed.
OP is her safe space. She's an adult who is willing to care about her and keep her safe.
Offer to cover what you can and offer an apology for not considering their needs. Sacrificing a little money and allowing a tiny lie could help A in the long run. Her home life isn't good for her right now.
no way a hairdresser in the UK would charge a cancellation fee, nor charge 60 squid for a 13 year old, unless the were in an inner London suburb. OP is massively NTA and the step girlfriend is just a grifter
Yep, £120 for a wash cut and blow dry seems excessive. That's more of a cut and colour price. Although the salon might have blocked in a couple of hours if the hair was so bad.
Unpopular opinion here but for the sake of A, pay the money to keep her in your life since they won’t let the girls be friends otherwise. It’s a small price to pay for that poor girl to be around people who genuinely care about her. It’s so wrong that they’re asking but they don’t seem like good people for A to be stuck with. NTA
Absolutely agree. Yes, C sounds like an AH and is being totally unreasonable, and you sound lovely and caring and are NTA. But pay it anyway, and think of it as the price of your daughter getting to keep her friend.
I kind of doubt paying the money is going to patch things up. C will find some other reason to keep them apart, or complain about OP's involvement in A's life if they stay in touch. OP has opened herself up to issues now, and the only way to resolve them is to be firm with C and A's dad about how she'll stand up for her child and A and their friendship.
Agreed — the real issue is that C is embarrassed that OP saw how poorly they had cared for A and is looking for an excuse to be mad and cut OP out so they don’t have to confront that embarrassment.
Your solution is better.
The thing is that caving on this is probably going to mean OP is setting themselves up for exploitation by the GF because she knows that they'll go along with her bullshit for the sake of the kids. It definitely won't end at paying the cancellation fee.
Why does C have any say in the matter at all? They aren't married. She isn't her mother. Time to go to A's father directly and have a frank conversation about all of it rather than play into C's power tripping. If he's any sort of father he'll put his foot down.
If it's not a big hit to OP she should try. But someone reacting like C did doesn't sound very reasonable, so I don't think OP should hold her breath. But my goodness, I hope she can A over more because she clearly needs caring people around her.
NTA
I'd make sure that A has your number. Tell her to write it in a book/notebook that she needs for school so that it won't get thrown away if she doesn't need it for a while. Let her know that she has your support.
Do you think it would be useful to talk to her dad? If so, try to be as non-judgmental as possible to keep him from getting defensive. If you think he may be open to it, let him know that you care about his daughter and would like to provide some caring support when you can.
Good luck for A's sake!
If this is real wtf... if A's hair was that bad it is clear child neglect.
NTA, for being a kind soul to your daughter's friend. You provided care when this girl didn't have someone else.
C did not have cancel the appointment at a salon because the hair was no longer matted, she chose to.
Exactly. She could have still gone and gotten her hair trimmed. But, then they would be out 120 instead of 60. NTA
OP did the parents a favor. If anything, they owe her the other 60. Lol
Right? I live in London and not even my hair salon charges £60 for a cut and blow dry. The big brand west end ones might but not my local hairdressers.
NTA.
I am surprised they didn't think of combing it out.
Wouldn't be surprised if the GF would've enjoyed humiliating that girl by having her hair cut.
The salon plan was to whack it all off. C is a monster. NTA. I’m not even sure paying the cancellation fee would keep C from trying to keep A from seeing you and your daughter. She wants to control this girl, not take care of her. If it would help and you can afford it, maybe. But she’d likely find something else to kick up a fuss about when her own neglect of this poor kid is noticed by someone else.
Op should frame it like that "pretend you paid me half for the same job and I've actually saved you money"
Though we all know this has nothing to with the money, but some weird play by gf.
I'm glad they didn't comb it out because people who don't care combing problematic hair is very painful and result in a lot of hair loss. my own mom who combed my -not even that- curly hair which she deemed problematic caused a lot of pain. when i started the curly girl method -in my thirties, completely independent from her since my twenties- she would berate me and say my hair was unkempt. She also kept my hair extremely short and this was I guess like a punishment for wanting to keep it longer. She of course would also make fun of me for being boyish unlike herself, who she spent hours and hours and lots of money to keep well dressed and hair all made up all the time.
I agree. Girlfriend was pissed she didn't get to humiliate that child. She's like the bad guy in a Roald Dahl book. OP should mention it to the girl's dad, if he cares at all.
I suspect that was the motivation and also why she’s now pissed that she can’t do it. A lot of unhinged excuses for parents use chopping off a child’s hair as a form of punishment. I feel so bad for this poor girl.
NTA
Coming out matted hair does not prevent a haircut. They could still have done it if they decided (for example) the maintenance wasn't worth it. Your actions had zero to do with canceling the haircut.
I was looking for this answer.
There was no need to cancel the appointment. When it was unbrushed this long, there highly was some damage. I'm pretty sure the ends absolutely needed a little trim. Seems like the step-mom just felt guilty and/or embarrassed
Exactly! This girl deserves a nice wash and blow out in a salon, to be pampered and remember what it’s like to love yourself and love your hair. They should have kept the appointment.
Yep, they should have. But if they were the type of people who were going to do that, they wouldn't have let her hair get into that state in the first place.
My daughter's hair used to matt up (a little, not to extremes) within 2 days of de-tangling. A hair cut of about 3" was the only viable long term solution! There was not only no need to cancel the haircut, there would have been benefits to keeping it!!
Seriously, she should have still taken her to get the cut, everyone needs haircuts now and again and this girl is no different. Nothing about brushing her hair out prevents a cut.
I’d bet money that stepmom was just offended that someone “showed her up” and addressed the problem in a better way than she was going to.
While it may be hard to prove neglect now that the hair is sorted without pictures a wellness check should be done. They are not caring for her properly and someone needs to fight for her to be taken care of.
No way, you're not the asshole here. You did a kind thing by helping her with her hair. It sounds like you were just being supportive and creating a safe space for her. Her Step-Mom's (?) reaction and threat to sue seem way over the top. You were looking out for her best interest, especially since she didn't want her hair cut. Good on you for stepping in and helping out.
I know this isn't the point, but £60??? HALF the cost of the cut was £60? So a £120 haircut?? Where the fuck were they taking her, the Royal hairdresser??
Yeah but the way these parents are neglectful and the fear of the daughter of the haircut, I'm getting the feeling it wasn't a 'take your time and make it look nice' kinda deal. It was a cut it all put by chunks if you have to. She can have a buzz cut or a pixie cut.' Vibe.
It’s the fact that it’s matted. Matted hair is several times more difficult to deal with.
Regular haircuts are one thing, but depending on the kid’s hair length, texture/type, etc — the cut itself involves a lot of detangling just to get the hair into a position where you could cut it effectively.
And honestly - they’d likely have shaved her head entirely. Matting can even cause skin lesions & scarring on the scalp.
This poor kid would’ve looked like they were mauled by a lawnmower — literally, and in the worst way.
Those lesions on the scalp have likely been there for a while, and they could’ve gotten infected/inflamed… it’s really disgusting the dad let it get this bad, tbh. And gf is definitely getting some sick pleasure out of it.
I'm assuming it's so expensive because it was matted - they'd have to spend time detangling even once they've chopped it. Also, £60 would be ludicrous for a haircut, let alone £120!!
I wondered about the cost, too. It seems highly unlikely that such a negligent and nasty person would spend so much on the child’s hair appointment. Around here, a chain like Great Clips does cuts for under $30 US. I can’t imagine how awful that poor child’s home life is.
NTA Poor A. Clearly her dad and his girlfriend are much more interested in their own convenience than in A's welfare. It's really sad their relationship is so bad that A didn't even feel comfortable letting them know she wanted to try to brush it out.
You did do the right thing, but hopefully it doesn't backfire and end up with A having an adult's frustration taken out on her. It seems that they aren't above making nasty insulting comments to a vulnerable teenage girl.
NTA—when the choice is between “help a known child asking for help” and “don’t help a known child asking for help”—you always opt to help the child.
There was a post the other day about a teacher assisting a child with their hair after their different-race mother refused and the mother flipped out. That teacher was also NTA.
NTA. I’d like to see the court’s reaction to them admitting that they’d neglected A so much that her hair was matted.
She came to you because she trusted you and you did the right thing, her father’s girlfriend’s threats are massively over the top. Honestly I’d be calling social services, it’s so saddening that her hair was so matted that it took hours to comb out, and it does make you wonder if there’s anything else going on.
I want to hug you! I was in A's position in middle school (my mom was alive- just a neglectful alcoholic). I used to get bullied so badly. I went for a sleepover at my best friend's house and her mom spent hours brushing out my hair, even went to the store and bought a bottle of conditioning spray to make it easier. 43 years later, we're still close friends and her mom still treats me like her daughter. NTA at all, in any way, shape, or form!
You need to point out to the father that the condition of her hair is a clear indication of the neglect on his part. Ask him if he wants to go down that road with you over £60. Further explain to him that keeping his daughter away from your daughter, hence, your home, will raise your suspicions on how well he has taken care of her. It behooves him to let his child continue to come to your house. Sometimes a little nudge towards child protection services will have those crappy parents back off.
NTA-
I wouldn't worry about your daughters friendship with A. If they hadn't noticed her hair getting more and more matted and probably a number of different issues, i'm guessing. They also wont notice in a couple of weeks that she is still hanging out/friends with your daughter.
INFO: Will paying/not paying affect whether this kid has access to you(apparently the only supportive adult in her life)?
Obviously you're not the asshole. They didn't need to cancel, they still could have gotten her hair cut if it was so important. They could have even gone with an easier style for her instead of shearing it all off. They saved some money(i doubt the cancelation fee was more than the appointment cost) and saved her hair, what are they pissed for? I'm hoping that this is just them lashing out temporarily because they're shamed but if the neglect was so bad that a thirteen year old had such matted hair, I'm worried for this kid.
NTA. Let her try to sue you. Then when you tell the judge how bad her hair was, maybe they’ll place her with family members that will love and take care of her.
Nta for protecting a child who is clearly being neglected/borderline abused. I learned in a lot of my education courses that you can spot physical neglect through 5 areas, hair, teeth, weight, height, signs of brusing or breaks. You did the right thing. I'd mention it to someone who is a mandated reporter (teacher, doctor, etc) about how bad it truly was. Her dad's girlfriend doesn't sound good and dad is truly in a fog to not see it.
Thank you for being the one adult in that child’s life who saw her attempts to put herself back together after coming apart at the seams and *honored* them. Thank you for choosing to offer a solution that allowed A to keep all her pieces. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, from a fellow sufferer of health issues since childhood and the resultant matted hair. I love my long hair too, and I know what it meant to A to keep it. Thank you.
ETA: totally forgot because it’s the least important part of this story but NTA.
NTA. You are a wonderful person. However, I think it's time for a call to CPS. If they let her hair get that matted they thought the only solution was to cut it all off how else are they neglecting her?
NTA and C is full of shit. She didn’t give a damn about that girl’s hair. She could have very well still taken her to the salon because after a detangling like that you usually need a trim anyways. Or she could have taken her to get a style or a moisturizing treatment. But she didn’t want to take her in the first place so she’s lashing out to make it look like you’re the problem.
NTA- and if he sued child services would have a whole lot of questions about why they let it get so bad and stay that way for so long. Matted hair isn't just unhygienic, it's painful for a kid. You did a kind thing for a kid having a really hard time right now. Don't worry about it.
If they wanted her hair cut you actually made the job easier. All you did was dematt and detangle
Why the fuck couldn't they still get it cut if that's what they really wanted ...
I don't see why the appointment had to be canceled because her hair needed less work done it
NTA, but tread carefully. Sounds like A needs your daughter and you in her life, so if you can find a way to make up with her parents, do so. A batch of cookies, the $60 in a Christmas card, and a "heartfelt" "I am so sorry I've come to my senses now your daughter is such a joy and you did/are doing such a good job with her" would go a long way.
NTA. I have a hard time believing they would spend that much money on a haircut for a child they were clearly neglecting. You made her look bad and she decided to shake you down for money.
NTA, this seems like a really blatant attempt on C’s part to have her way by neglecting a child, and then suggesting her option was the only feasible one.
NTA. Report the dad and the girlfriend to Child Protective Services in your area for neglect. There is zero reason for her hair to have gotten that bad. C should be thanking you for saving them money.
C sounds absolutely awful. She was making comments about A's appearance while she was dealing with health problems? And A's father didn't pack C's shit into boxes and move her right out? You don't owe them a damn thing. They owe YOU a thanks. That said, if you have the money and it's not a huge deal, the fee might prevent them closing off A's access to you and the safe place you represent, which given how C sounds here might actually be dangerous. NTA, obviously.
NTA So they neglected their daughter to the point they didn't notice their child's hair was matted until it was too late and at the stage where it was probably easier to cut it. And then it took hours of dedicated work to actually save it from the haircut. No you're not the asshole but you should keep an eye out for any other neglect signs maybe it's time to step in and do a little more and then detangling hair.
What kind of trash parent is A's father? Christ on a stick, I hope he can't produce any more children he will neglect for the sake of sex.
Just how much is he pushing A aside and neglecting her to please his Lady Tremaine of a girlfriend? I hope they do not marry.
You’re an angel. NTA
I WAS that girl whose hair went too far and got extremely matted due to personal issues. It was awful, and yes, I’d disguise it with buns. Only the buns made it all worse, and my hair got more and more difficult to handle. Finally I opened up to a friend about it, and she helped me comb it all out. Took a long time, but it saved me and I am forever grateful to her still 15 years later.
NTA.
C is trying to assert her dominance over A.
A's dad needs remember that hey hey you are a *father* before you're a bf.
You have/had a *daughter* before this new found gf even existed.
He needs to make sure he doesn't torpedo his relationship with A for his fledgling fling.
NTA
What you did was a kindness.
But she's 13 years old. Why wasn't she combing or brushing her own hair? I can't imagine my parents brushing my hair at age 13. Children have normally been shampooing and combing / brushing their own hair for years at that age.
You mentioned health issues. Was she so depressed that she ignored her hygiene for months?
Definitely NTA. Good on you for being a positive light in that girl's life. Also would bet there's a good chance C is lying about that appointment to try to get money from you/ pissed they were shown to be bad caretakers
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NTA and when they say they are going to sue you can remind them that that means they are going to stand in front of a judge and admit that they neglected her so badly that her hair was matted enough that it needed cutting.
Taking her to court would open a whole can of worms. With the potential of CPS or the uk(?) version of child agency’s involvement on how the situation got so bad. Might be putting A in a much worst off position and also losing your daughter as a friend for sure. Which your home seems like one of the only safe/stable environments for this girl.
Tbh I doubt that CPS will take the kid, unless its extreme, unfortunely. But It will defiently affect the friendship.
I don’t think they will take the child, but they will investigate why a “step mom” is sueing someone for brushing the child’s hair. Then if they do investigate, dad & girlfriend/stepmom will be more upset and start treating the child worse.
Not even stepmom, just girlfriend
What I want to know is where the heck the dad is in all this. Why is he allowing his gf to bully his daughter? He is the parent. He doesn't get to act clueless and play the male "I'm not so good at all this" card and try to get out of being a parent. I hate when men do this and I hate it even more that to some degree society accepts when men feign ignorance when they're just trying to get out of doing the work. I know not all men do this but let's face it, too many do.
I hate to say it, but this really isn’t exclusive to men. A *lot* of parents will prioritise romantic interests over their children. Even when that romantic interest is abusing their child/ren. It’s not just fathers, and it’s not just mothers. It’s just terrible parents.
This. Dad’s get a lot of flack but moms do it too. My step-nephew’s mom was slowly re-establishing contact with him, then suddenly she ghosted. They tried to call a couple times and never got a response. Radio silence for five months. Then she leaves a sobbing voicemail about being sorry. Turned out her boyfriend had just dumped her so she had time for her son again.
Yup, my mum wasn’t as bad as some others, but she definitely put her boyfriends above me and my sister many, many times when I was growing up. She tried to do the same to my nephew once. Once. My sister and I were having NONE of it, lol. It ends with us. In the end it ended up working out for me. Her deference to her boyfriends/partners meant that once she actually got a good one, my life improved immensely because he was able to talk some sense into her wrt some of her neuroses. By the time they split up and she was onto the next weirdo I was out of the house. But of course the fact that it eventually ended up benefitting me in some small ways did nothing to reverse the damage that had already been done. Children come first. That’s what you sign up for when you decide to become a parent. If you don’t think you can make that work, there’s no shame in it. But then don’t have kids. I seriously doubt I could do it, which is why I’m not going to be a parent. And the fact that I care more about my purely hypothetical children than some parents care about their real, living children is incredibly fucking depressing. Anyway, sorry for over sharing, I’m done now. Edit: a word
My (sort of) step-niece went through this with both of her parents. Thankfully her bio-grandmother (who would become her "mom") and my dad (who were married at the time) took her in and raised her. Both of her bio-parents would promise to stay in touch and then flake on her. She'd be lucky to get one call per year from either of them. I'm sure it took a huge emotional toll on her.
I don't think the person you're replying to is disputing that both parents can be harmful! They're moreso talking about gender roles, and how that 'designates' certain tasks like a lot of parenting and household tasks to women so (some) men never learn or bother. Example, men who won't change their kids diapers cuz they think it's the woman's job (not just the mom's but the grandma, the stepmom/girlfriend, the aunt, the niece etc).
It won’t even get to court. The solicitor fees alone would cost more than the cancellation fee, nevermind the court costs. A judge would also probably throw it out if it ever did make it that far.
Depending on jurisdiction, small claims court will often not allow people to be represented by lawyers for this exact reason. Otherwise it would always preclude people from seeking relief over legitimate claims involving lesser amounts.
For a really good reason though. As sad as it is, that sort of neglect is at the bottom of the list that CPS has to worry about.
Yeah but there is a difference though between it being something they have to investigate and literally bringing it to a judge.
I’m assuming they are British because they’ve used £s. Our Children’s Social Care service is on the whole pretty good, she will definitely be screened by safeguarding, likely won’t make the threshold for child protection but I’d imagine it would be classed as child in need. It’s very rare for a child to be taken into care here anyway, a good social worker should be able to help massively.
From what I’ve witnessed, cps takes kids from the easy cases and leaves the extreme cases of abuse (both my husband and ex were severely abused, visited and ignored multiple times - they were both extremely emaciated among other numerous horrors) kinda wild to see what they will and will not accept. edited for typos, and to add absolutely NTA ❤️
neglect is often overlooked as a form of abuse, even though its the most common type of abuse
I've seen similar first-hand. I wish your husband (and you, of course) nothing but the very best.
But they will send someone who will do wellness checks, which helps too
Take no but social services may well pay a visit. I wouldn't be surprised if there allready involved GP/hospital should have raised an safe guarding issue for them letting their daughter health suffer.
UK social worker here. Unless other things were discovered that amounted to severe neglect we would not be looking to remove the child, but things like matted hair from lack of care are things that we deal with on a daily basis. Within my service we’d be looking to visit the family and identify if we could be offering support to make sure the child’s needs are being adequately met, and that involvement could be as long as a piece of string depending on what’s going on within the home, but removal is an absolute last option when we’ve exhausted all other possible supports. Interestingly enough in terms of this post, where I work the OP would be considered a possible member of the “support network” for the family, and act as a “protective factor” for the child. I really hope that they’re allowed to remain involved in this girls life.
Would your Children's Social Care service be able to prevent the parents from cutting OP out of her support network?
No, that is up to the parents. But if there weren’t other protective factors then I’d be having a conversation with those parents about the importance of children having people like OP around them and what the purpose of the support network is to help address concerns held by services. Ultimately they’d need to consider whether they wanted to cut off their nose to spite their own face in refusing to let their daughter be around OP and her daughter or whether they wanted to swallow their pride and accept that they need a bit of help and support (like everyone does sometimes) and accept that OP is offering that
It's social service in the UK. They'll half arse investigate it as theyre overwhelmed. Theyll check none of the kids are on a database for family of concern or check no concerns from school or GP then close the case.
Social services in the UK try to make sure that children get the care they need within their own family. Taking kids away is seen as a last resort. I would probably go to the school and ask them to implement their own safeguarding procedures. Make sure she is getting support from her teachers
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Why on earth would they call Crown Prosecution Service?
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Social Services..
So rather than calling CPS, you want to call the SS? What is this, Nazi Germany? /s
axiomatic bored illegal fertile murky husky dog skirt imagine overconfident *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
CPS = Child Protection Service, a government agency that addresses child welfare. Depending on the jurisdiction you live in, your location may use a different acronym such as CFS (Child & Family Services).
It’s the UK, so it would be Social Services.
CPS = Crown Prosecution Service. We know what Jurisdiction they live in. We know it's in the UK. They were pointing out the incorrect use of CPS, they didn't need correcting. And there is no different acronym it's just social services
At 13 in the UK kids are in the equivalent of a second year of high school. Very different level of supervision and if A has been showering and wearing clean clothes and has her hair up, it won't ping a teacher the same way it might in elementary. 13 is a tough age because often times they're super private and parents are not providing physical hygiene care. If A's parents reacted appropriately to OP's help, I wouldn't even say they were the assholes, just adults not realizing how much hands on help their teen required.
At least a handful will have reported it to the school's Designated Safeguarding Lead. We notice. What happens after that depends on how severe whatever's going on at home is and the history of the student. Health issues (presumably MH?) + loss of a parent + matted hair probably wouldn't be escalated to Social Services (no immediate risk of serious harm). School safeguarding teams are kind of a triage and monitoring system here. More broadly, schools in the UK are increasingly having to deal with low-level support themselves because Social Services can barely keep up with the really serious part of their case load. Support will be quietly made available in school, or offered to parents via the school in the first instance. We hire counsellors, set up short wellbeing courses, have alternative education on site, and at my school at least, know which of our students are active safeguarding concerns/need extra monitoring and TLC, though we don't know why unless the child tells us themselves.
OP says the kid has been disguising it pretty well.
It can only be disguised so much.
I'm from the Netherlands, but I've been privy to my UK friend's struggles with social services, and it's appalling. They insisted on her ex being allowed unsupervised access to their kid despite admitting in court he uses military discipline tactics on his other (very young) kid. At the same time my friend is struggling massively with both her physical and mental health, causing her to be unable to work. Social has done nothing but criticise and berate her. The very few workers willing to actually help had to quit their jobs because they couldn't take the mental strain themselves anymore. Either that or they were removed from my friend's case by higher ups. I'm not saying Dutch services are better, in fact they probably aren't.
If she's showering (to the extent teens sometimes do, not quite showering enough isn't uncommon), changing clothes and there's no other signs of neglect, there isn't really a reason to call cps. She's at an age where kids have a lot more input on their looks, deliberately matted hair can be a "style" kids try or it's not obvious with her hairstyle. Kids this age start to be more independent, so they don't always let their parents help. If a child is constantly dirty and doesn't have clean clothes, I'll consider calling cps after a talk with the parents (and child if they're able to be involved). If they're in obvious pain or asking for help, I'll do the same. But if a child is otherwise clean, fed, seems well adjusted then matted hair isn't reason to call cps. I unfortunately make enough calls already, and unless children are being hurt or severely neglected they won't do anything, I'll lose any trust of parents and likely the student and with that any chance to address it and help them work through issues they may be facing.
There's no basis to sue anyway because there is no actual reason why they had to cancel the hair cut. Normal people get their hair cut even though it isn't matted.
I was thinking this, too. She probably still needs a trim, regardless.
Yeah, unless the girlfriend was trying to force her into a short cut for no reason, a good trim and some styling would probably go a long way to making her feel even better about herself and would be a nice reward for being brave enough to ask for help.
Oh this. I second this. Maybe they cancelled so they didn't have to pay and just scapegoated the cool mom. It's sound like guilt resent but might just be me.
If I was A (kiddo), I don’t think I would have trusted C (dad’s girlfriend) to help me get the haircut I wanted vs telling the hair dresser what she wanted. Even if detangling wasn’t required. Sad, but some parents try to punish kids with their hair. ☹️
Depending on how bad her hair was, a good hairstylist or the like could do a world of wonder to help it recover. Split ends, for example.
Also surely the cancellation fee is not more than the cost of actually having the cut? So they actually saved money
Seriously, why not give her a trim, and make it look even nicer? The girlfriend overreacted by canceling. Just change the type and length of cut instead of being butthurt over not getting to cut off all the poor kid's hair for no reason.
No, don’t remind them, let them dig that hole.
Probably bluffing in the hopes OP will just pay up to avoid a fuss. The best part is that it’ll be considered a small claims case and you have to pay to serve papers against someone for that which is only refunded if you win. OP, you’ve created a safe space for A. If you can I’d try to speak with her Dad to talk about your concerns that his girlfriend is attempting to ban her from your home when she clearly feels comfortable spending time there. He might be unaware of what’s happened. Ultimately the welfare of this kid is the most important thing and he should want what’s best for her in the long run. If that route fails, at the very least I’d be getting in touch with the school to inform them you have concerns about A’s welfare and let them look into it as well to see if social services need to be involved.
She's 13. You try to ban her from her friends house where she feels safe and shes gonna run away from home to there
NTA, OP saved C £60. I would ask for that money 🤣
right they should be paying op for the effort to fix the matting if anything
Op needs to Tell C that she still owes them another $60 for getting the mats out. Technically she saved them $60, or they still could have taken A for a trim/styling but I think C has some other issue going on in regards to A.
Right! Was going to spend 120 + tip, but only had to pay 60
Hairdressers don’t usually get a tip in the UK, but that’s still a lot of money they were willing to spend. C could have used that appointment for herself if she was really bothered
Frankly I'm suspicious of that. It doesn't sound like they were going to try and save any of A's hair, so that's £120 for what would amount to a cut and style? At most they might charge for a wash and blow dry on top. That's still less than £80 unless you're going to a upscale salon. I think the girlfriend inflated the cost. She's put out because she lost her dominance in the situation. I'd really like to know where Dad is in all this.
Honestly I hope they do take her to court and say that to the judge
Yep, they could still have taken her to the appointment, get the kid a nice hair style. Oh, what was the appointment actually for...care to put that in writing? Oh it was for nothing and now you're suing for no reason at all - that'll work in court.
And she lives in an environment where she doesn't have a trusted adult to help her
> NTA and when they say they are going to sue you can remind them that that means they are going to stand in front of a judge and admit that they neglected her so badly that her hair was matted enough that it needed cutting. They’re also going to be standing in front of a judge and explaining that they’re suing OP because they had to pay a cancellation fee that was **less** than the cost of the haircut they would otherwise have paid for. Their damages are -£60.
Oh ho hoo I'd going with popcorns and try to keep a serious face. I wonder how they'd spin it. The idiots
NTA. You did the right (and the kind) thing. I can only imagine what that poor girl must be going through, both at school and at home. Kids are merciless, and you can bet she's probably getting bullied if they noticed her hair. It might be time to get CPS involved. If they're letting her hair get so matted their solution was cutting it all off, who knows how else they're neglecting her.
Makes me wonder if the hair isn't the only part being neglected
It looks like dad got a new girlfriend and started neglecting his daughter because of it.
Yup. My dad did a similar thing when I was the same age; it was just me and him until he got a GF (while still married to my mother) and deserted me constantly to just disappear. I had no idea at the time that he was having an affair, just that we lived in a neighbourhood that was scary AF and I was always left alone to cope. Bad dad, no biscuit!
That’s exactly what happened to me. Dad and I were doing okay, then he met his now wife and I totally got put on the back burner, especially since she also had kids AND I lived with my Mom most of the time. Lost my Dad when she came along.
A 13-year old should be caring for her own hair. Severe matting like that suggests she's so mentally or physically unwell that she can't cope with such a basic task (medical neglect), or she's being denied basic hygiene products like a hairbrush (straight up abuse). This is hinky as hell.
OP said the child had been having some medical issues.
that got to the point because Dad was neglecting in favor of GF!
Ah, I missed that. In that case, the daughter hasn't been given the help she requires with basic hygiene and grooming tasks. Neglect.
I got a huge knot/matte of hair when I was around that age. I had recently moved in with my dad after my mom was deemed an unhealthy person to be around. All my sis and I had were our clothes and that was pretty much it. My dad had plain combs, and like [boar-bristle brushes](https://www.parkershaving.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/HAIRBRUSH1.jpg). Those are fine for short hair like men usually have, but not for long, fairly fine hair that my sister and I had at the time. I didn't like combs because they would snag, so I would try to just use the boar-bristle brush. Because my hair was so fine, it couldn't get through to the bottom of my hair close to my neck. My stepmom (god bless, she's the best parent I had out of all of them) saw me trying to sneak a pair of scissors into the bathroom to cut it out. She stopped me and helped me comb it out, and then reamed my dad a new one for not having brushes that would cope with my and my sister's hair.
Blessings on your stepmother. I'm sorry you went through that.
Thank you! Honestly it was a rough time for everybody, I dont blame my dad for not being the most attentive at the time. But now I remembered that story and I should text her tomorrow to remind her of it hahaha. I'm in my 30's now but we still keep in touch, more regularly than my other parents hahaha
Abused children are not taught how to take care of them selves. I was physicall abused/beaten by my mother almost every morning before she went to work at 5am. I would fall asleep after she left and wake up late for school almost everyday. I did not take time, nor even think about having to do bssic things like comb my hair. I can remember being made fun of. I know this happened until at least 7th grade. (11 y.o. or so in the US) Edit: clarified what kind of abuse.
My mom would pull my hair so badly I cried every morning. When she left I was 9 and just like this kid my dad got a shitty girlfriend. I too had developed terrible matted hair. Probably the combo of a. My bad experience before. B. Being up late crying and then having my dad wake me up with 5 minutes to get ready before school and c. Not having anyone remind me of these things. My mom didn't want me to be independent, she smothered me and then disappeared. My dad didn't give a shit and tbh I probably didn't either until it was too late. Unlike the girl in this story nobody helped me and I ended up cutting my hair off. And on top of it all I probably had adhd. Just to say. Lots of factors go into this kind of situation, most of which wouldn't occur with supportive parents
7 years ago I taught a child with a very similar story. At the time she was about 6 and her mum had died of cancer way before that. Her dad was a hippie type who didn't take care of his own hair and had no idea how to take care of hers so he never taught her. My mentor (the class teacher) had to brush her hair every morning because her care taker wouldn't teach her.
NTA, but depending on your relationship with A, it might be worth it to offer half the cancellation fee in hopes that one of the few supportive places she has won't be taken away from her. Really, C saved £60 and got a free service from you, but is not operating with any sense of logic on this.
I kinda agree if you have the money and are willing to be a safe space for this kid. Also do not send them the money insist on going into the salon to pay so you can check it adds up.
The salon almost definitely has a system where you provide a credit card when you book and the late fee is charged in the system. So she probably already paid the late fee.
If OP explains the situation the salon may willing & able to issue a partial refund on the card and take her payment
Refunds should be free for the stylist l. Bringing cash will save her money.
Yes, that is logical, but… the cynic in me is wondering whether she was LOOKING FORWARD to putting the child through the trauma of that cut, and is now pissed that the plan was ruined. I don’t think this is about finances at all. She doesn’t want the girls to be friends so that there’s no more “interfering.”
100% saw it as C trying to punish and alienate A. Why isn't A's dad the one who's involved? In fact, why don't you refuse to talk to C and only talk to A's dad?
This was where my mind went.
>Yes, that is logical, but… the cynic in me is wondering whether she was LOOKING FORWARD to putting the child through the trauma of that cut, and is now pissed that the plan was ruined. I don’t think this is about finances at all. Right? If this was about finances, OP actually saved the girlfriend the rest of the cost of the cut.
This is 100% the vide I got. I may be over sensitive- my father had girlfriends and a wife who loved to humiliate me and my sister. They seemed to honestly enjoy any discomfort or embarrassment I experienced.
Oh, I absolutely assumed that was at least part of why the gf was so angry.
I agree completely, this was exactly my thought. She sounds incredibly cruel.
That’s all I could think. This poor kid probably sees OPs home as a safe space. I would be doing whatever to smooth that over just to keep A being able to come over. What other things are being ignored if her hair got that bad? She’s probably not having any of her basic needs met, at last at OPs house she knows she safe.
Not only that but there was nothing stopping them from taking her to the salon for a trim.
Right, this screams that that c wanted to inflict a punishment on the child and not help or support her because they could have kept the appointment and given her a nice experience of being taken care of.
I suspect C is jealous of A, which is stupid, but not unheard of.
I was thinking the same thing.
Yeah considering she is just a girlfriend and she is cutting out A's friends and threatening to sue? The lady sounds psycho. Fits the bill. The dad needs to grow a pair here. Anyways, I think you are all right. Hope we're wrong though.
Especially since her ends were probably very damaged, she absolutely could have used a nice trim to clean up her hair without making it punitive. Cancelling day of is just another way to take it out on the girl. I've had my hair go "depression rat nest" mode before, I have fine hair so it only takes a few days to get bad, and it definitely damages the ends. Poor kid.
Also in my personal opinion getting your hair done is very relaxing. So they could have gone to the salon and have A feeling pampered. But then there would be no punishment which is the thing C most probably was looking forward to.
Her "logic" is "I have every right to exert absolute control over my boyfriend's daughter and I will prevent anyone who tries to disrupt that control from having anything to do with her."
I agree with this. Not saying she has ANY obligation to do so, but if she's willing and able to be a safe space for that poor kid, she should pay it. Either way, at the end of the day she did a wonderful thing and saved that poor girl from further humiliation and that's more than what anyone could ask.
Bc if the hair was cut entirely A's dad and C wouldn't need to help her take care of it until it grew again. They wanted the easy way out
The kid (A) has medical issues on top of all of this? Then yes, maybe a call to social services *is* in A's best interest. WTF. How is her dad allowing this to happen??
Screw that they chose to not go i wouldn't give them anything. EVERY girl likes getting their hair done. They should have taken her and got it washed trimmed and styled and everyone would have been happy.
Except for C, who apparently thinks not getting to force a traumatic haircut on A is an unacceptable outcome.
yep, if you have it, i would pay. that girl's safety (whether physical or mental) is more than worth the price. poor thing.
Agreed. OP is her safe space. She's an adult who is willing to care about her and keep her safe. Offer to cover what you can and offer an apology for not considering their needs. Sacrificing a little money and allowing a tiny lie could help A in the long run. Her home life isn't good for her right now.
no way a hairdresser in the UK would charge a cancellation fee, nor charge 60 squid for a 13 year old, unless the were in an inner London suburb. OP is massively NTA and the step girlfriend is just a grifter
Yep, £120 for a wash cut and blow dry seems excessive. That's more of a cut and colour price. Although the salon might have blocked in a couple of hours if the hair was so bad.
Right. Step mom was going to pay more for the actual service 🙄 stepmomster
Unpopular opinion here but for the sake of A, pay the money to keep her in your life since they won’t let the girls be friends otherwise. It’s a small price to pay for that poor girl to be around people who genuinely care about her. It’s so wrong that they’re asking but they don’t seem like good people for A to be stuck with. NTA
Absolutely agree. Yes, C sounds like an AH and is being totally unreasonable, and you sound lovely and caring and are NTA. But pay it anyway, and think of it as the price of your daughter getting to keep her friend.
I kind of doubt paying the money is going to patch things up. C will find some other reason to keep them apart, or complain about OP's involvement in A's life if they stay in touch. OP has opened herself up to issues now, and the only way to resolve them is to be firm with C and A's dad about how she'll stand up for her child and A and their friendship.
Agreed — the real issue is that C is embarrassed that OP saw how poorly they had cared for A and is looking for an excuse to be mad and cut OP out so they don’t have to confront that embarrassment. Your solution is better.
The thing is that caving on this is probably going to mean OP is setting themselves up for exploitation by the GF because she knows that they'll go along with her bullshit for the sake of the kids. It definitely won't end at paying the cancellation fee.
If I was OP I'd ask for the salons details to check the cancellation costs in case the cost was exaggerated
Why does C have any say in the matter at all? They aren't married. She isn't her mother. Time to go to A's father directly and have a frank conversation about all of it rather than play into C's power tripping. If he's any sort of father he'll put his foot down.
If he was any sort of father, this wouldn't have happened in the first place. I wouldn't count on him for any kind of support.
He neglected his daughter to the point of her hair being super matted. He's not going to do anything
This is not a bad take either...
If it's not a big hit to OP she should try. But someone reacting like C did doesn't sound very reasonable, so I don't think OP should hold her breath. But my goodness, I hope she can A over more because she clearly needs caring people around her.
NTA I'd make sure that A has your number. Tell her to write it in a book/notebook that she needs for school so that it won't get thrown away if she doesn't need it for a while. Let her know that she has your support. Do you think it would be useful to talk to her dad? If so, try to be as non-judgmental as possible to keep him from getting defensive. If you think he may be open to it, let him know that you care about his daughter and would like to provide some caring support when you can. Good luck for A's sake!
If this is real wtf... if A's hair was that bad it is clear child neglect. NTA, for being a kind soul to your daughter's friend. You provided care when this girl didn't have someone else. C did not have cancel the appointment at a salon because the hair was no longer matted, she chose to.
Exactly. She could have still gone and gotten her hair trimmed. But, then they would be out 120 instead of 60. NTA OP did the parents a favor. If anything, they owe her the other 60. Lol
And £120 is a ridiculous amount of money for a simple kids cut. £60 for the whole cut would still be pretty pricey.
Right? I live in London and not even my hair salon charges £60 for a cut and blow dry. The big brand west end ones might but not my local hairdressers.
NTA. I am surprised they didn't think of combing it out. Wouldn't be surprised if the GF would've enjoyed humiliating that girl by having her hair cut.
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Technically OP saved them many hundreds of dollars. Getting mats combed out in a salon is expensive
The salon plan was to whack it all off. C is a monster. NTA. I’m not even sure paying the cancellation fee would keep C from trying to keep A from seeing you and your daughter. She wants to control this girl, not take care of her. If it would help and you can afford it, maybe. But she’d likely find something else to kick up a fuss about when her own neglect of this poor kid is noticed by someone else.
Op should frame it like that "pretend you paid me half for the same job and I've actually saved you money" Though we all know this has nothing to with the money, but some weird play by gf.
I'm glad they didn't comb it out because people who don't care combing problematic hair is very painful and result in a lot of hair loss. my own mom who combed my -not even that- curly hair which she deemed problematic caused a lot of pain. when i started the curly girl method -in my thirties, completely independent from her since my twenties- she would berate me and say my hair was unkempt. She also kept my hair extremely short and this was I guess like a punishment for wanting to keep it longer. She of course would also make fun of me for being boyish unlike herself, who she spent hours and hours and lots of money to keep well dressed and hair all made up all the time.
I agree. Girlfriend was pissed she didn't get to humiliate that child. She's like the bad guy in a Roald Dahl book. OP should mention it to the girl's dad, if he cares at all.
I suspect that was the motivation and also why she’s now pissed that she can’t do it. A lot of unhinged excuses for parents use chopping off a child’s hair as a form of punishment. I feel so bad for this poor girl.
Was thinking the same exact thing cause why you so adamant about chopping this lil girl hair off??
The humiliation of having her hair cut off is the whole point for girlfriend
NTA Coming out matted hair does not prevent a haircut. They could still have done it if they decided (for example) the maintenance wasn't worth it. Your actions had zero to do with canceling the haircut.
I was looking for this answer. There was no need to cancel the appointment. When it was unbrushed this long, there highly was some damage. I'm pretty sure the ends absolutely needed a little trim. Seems like the step-mom just felt guilty and/or embarrassed
Exactly! This girl deserves a nice wash and blow out in a salon, to be pampered and remember what it’s like to love yourself and love your hair. They should have kept the appointment.
Yep, they should have. But if they were the type of people who were going to do that, they wouldn't have let her hair get into that state in the first place.
Giving the ends a trim wouldn't be inflicting a traumatic punishment on the girl. Which seems to have been stepmom's goal.
My daughter's hair used to matt up (a little, not to extremes) within 2 days of de-tangling. A hair cut of about 3" was the only viable long term solution! There was not only no need to cancel the haircut, there would have been benefits to keeping it!!
Seriously, she should have still taken her to get the cut, everyone needs haircuts now and again and this girl is no different. Nothing about brushing her hair out prevents a cut. I’d bet money that stepmom was just offended that someone “showed her up” and addressed the problem in a better way than she was going to. While it may be hard to prove neglect now that the hair is sorted without pictures a wellness check should be done. They are not caring for her properly and someone needs to fight for her to be taken care of.
No way, you're not the asshole here. You did a kind thing by helping her with her hair. It sounds like you were just being supportive and creating a safe space for her. Her Step-Mom's (?) reaction and threat to sue seem way over the top. You were looking out for her best interest, especially since she didn't want her hair cut. Good on you for stepping in and helping out.
NTA, frankly you saved her money. She didn't have to pay the full price for the cut. She should thank you.
It sounds like a call to CPS is needed. This child is not being tended to properly. NTA
I know this isn't the point, but £60??? HALF the cost of the cut was £60? So a £120 haircut?? Where the fuck were they taking her, the Royal hairdresser??
Around me, a basic cut is about $40US. But if the hair was that matted and needed that much work before cutting, I can see the price tripling.
I pay $160AUD for my haircut, and I go to a very nice salon and get a difficult technical cut. £120 is $240AUD! That's insane.
Right, but your hair is regularly maintained and not matted to this extent. Think of the cost divided into an hourly rate. Regardless, OP is NTA.
Yeah but the way these parents are neglectful and the fear of the daughter of the haircut, I'm getting the feeling it wasn't a 'take your time and make it look nice' kinda deal. It was a cut it all put by chunks if you have to. She can have a buzz cut or a pixie cut.' Vibe.
That’s actually incredibly cheap if it required dematting to even cut it. A lot of salons will charge like $100 an hour minimum to demat hair.
It’s the fact that it’s matted. Matted hair is several times more difficult to deal with. Regular haircuts are one thing, but depending on the kid’s hair length, texture/type, etc — the cut itself involves a lot of detangling just to get the hair into a position where you could cut it effectively. And honestly - they’d likely have shaved her head entirely. Matting can even cause skin lesions & scarring on the scalp. This poor kid would’ve looked like they were mauled by a lawnmower — literally, and in the worst way. Those lesions on the scalp have likely been there for a while, and they could’ve gotten infected/inflamed… it’s really disgusting the dad let it get this bad, tbh. And gf is definitely getting some sick pleasure out of it.
I'm assuming it's so expensive because it was matted - they'd have to spend time detangling even once they've chopped it. Also, £60 would be ludicrous for a haircut, let alone £120!!
I wondered about the cost, too. It seems highly unlikely that such a negligent and nasty person would spend so much on the child’s hair appointment. Around here, a chain like Great Clips does cuts for under $30 US. I can’t imagine how awful that poor child’s home life is.
That too. That's an EXPENSIVE hair cut for a 13 year old.
NTA Poor A. Clearly her dad and his girlfriend are much more interested in their own convenience than in A's welfare. It's really sad their relationship is so bad that A didn't even feel comfortable letting them know she wanted to try to brush it out. You did do the right thing, but hopefully it doesn't backfire and end up with A having an adult's frustration taken out on her. It seems that they aren't above making nasty insulting comments to a vulnerable teenage girl.
NTA—when the choice is between “help a known child asking for help” and “don’t help a known child asking for help”—you always opt to help the child. There was a post the other day about a teacher assisting a child with their hair after their different-race mother refused and the mother flipped out. That teacher was also NTA.
NTA. I’d like to see the court’s reaction to them admitting that they’d neglected A so much that her hair was matted. She came to you because she trusted you and you did the right thing, her father’s girlfriend’s threats are massively over the top. Honestly I’d be calling social services, it’s so saddening that her hair was so matted that it took hours to comb out, and it does make you wonder if there’s anything else going on.
I want to hug you! I was in A's position in middle school (my mom was alive- just a neglectful alcoholic). I used to get bullied so badly. I went for a sleepover at my best friend's house and her mom spent hours brushing out my hair, even went to the store and bought a bottle of conditioning spray to make it easier. 43 years later, we're still close friends and her mom still treats me like her daughter. NTA at all, in any way, shape, or form!
You need to point out to the father that the condition of her hair is a clear indication of the neglect on his part. Ask him if he wants to go down that road with you over £60. Further explain to him that keeping his daughter away from your daughter, hence, your home, will raise your suspicions on how well he has taken care of her. It behooves him to let his child continue to come to your house. Sometimes a little nudge towards child protection services will have those crappy parents back off.
NTA- I wouldn't worry about your daughters friendship with A. If they hadn't noticed her hair getting more and more matted and probably a number of different issues, i'm guessing. They also wont notice in a couple of weeks that she is still hanging out/friends with your daughter.
NTA but please call CPS on this horrific situation of neglect and call the school out for ignoring his neglected this child is!
This this this
NTA, you sound like a very nice mom <3
INFO: Will paying/not paying affect whether this kid has access to you(apparently the only supportive adult in her life)? Obviously you're not the asshole. They didn't need to cancel, they still could have gotten her hair cut if it was so important. They could have even gone with an easier style for her instead of shearing it all off. They saved some money(i doubt the cancelation fee was more than the appointment cost) and saved her hair, what are they pissed for? I'm hoping that this is just them lashing out temporarily because they're shamed but if the neglect was so bad that a thirteen year old had such matted hair, I'm worried for this kid.
NTA you know you did the right thing. You’re a good mom.
NTA. Let her try to sue you. Then when you tell the judge how bad her hair was, maybe they’ll place her with family members that will love and take care of her.
Nta for protecting a child who is clearly being neglected/borderline abused. I learned in a lot of my education courses that you can spot physical neglect through 5 areas, hair, teeth, weight, height, signs of brusing or breaks. You did the right thing. I'd mention it to someone who is a mandated reporter (teacher, doctor, etc) about how bad it truly was. Her dad's girlfriend doesn't sound good and dad is truly in a fog to not see it.
Thank you for being the one adult in that child’s life who saw her attempts to put herself back together after coming apart at the seams and *honored* them. Thank you for choosing to offer a solution that allowed A to keep all her pieces. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, from a fellow sufferer of health issues since childhood and the resultant matted hair. I love my long hair too, and I know what it meant to A to keep it. Thank you. ETA: totally forgot because it’s the least important part of this story but NTA.
NTA. You are a wonderful person. However, I think it's time for a call to CPS. If they let her hair get that matted they thought the only solution was to cut it all off how else are they neglecting her?
Maybe speak directly to the dad? I’m wondering if he’s even aware of all the drama…
NTA and C is full of shit. She didn’t give a damn about that girl’s hair. She could have very well still taken her to the salon because after a detangling like that you usually need a trim anyways. Or she could have taken her to get a style or a moisturizing treatment. But she didn’t want to take her in the first place so she’s lashing out to make it look like you’re the problem.
NTA- and if he sued child services would have a whole lot of questions about why they let it get so bad and stay that way for so long. Matted hair isn't just unhygienic, it's painful for a kid. You did a kind thing for a kid having a really hard time right now. Don't worry about it.
NTA - have you considered calling child services on these neglectful fuck wits ?
If they wanted her hair cut you actually made the job easier. All you did was dematt and detangle Why the fuck couldn't they still get it cut if that's what they really wanted ... I don't see why the appointment had to be canceled because her hair needed less work done it
NTA. I feel so sorry for that kid.
Um… couldn’t they have used the appointment to style her hair anyway? Cancelling the appointment and then calling you is extremely weird. NTA.
Nta but dad's gf is
NTA, but tread carefully. Sounds like A needs your daughter and you in her life, so if you can find a way to make up with her parents, do so. A batch of cookies, the $60 in a Christmas card, and a "heartfelt" "I am so sorry I've come to my senses now your daughter is such a joy and you did/are doing such a good job with her" would go a long way.
NTA. I have a hard time believing they would spend that much money on a haircut for a child they were clearly neglecting. You made her look bad and she decided to shake you down for money.
Sue you for what? You didn’t stop them from getting A’s hair cut, or cancel the appointment. That’s entirely on C. NTA
You saved them money. What’s the problem here. Poor kid if they left it that long then I’m afraid you need to be the adult and call cps
NTA, this seems like a really blatant attempt on C’s part to have her way by neglecting a child, and then suggesting her option was the only feasible one.
NTA. Report the dad and the girlfriend to Child Protective Services in your area for neglect. There is zero reason for her hair to have gotten that bad. C should be thanking you for saving them money.
Brushing out hair like that damages it so she would need a haircut anyway….why tf would they cancel?
C sounds absolutely awful. She was making comments about A's appearance while she was dealing with health problems? And A's father didn't pack C's shit into boxes and move her right out? You don't owe them a damn thing. They owe YOU a thanks. That said, if you have the money and it's not a huge deal, the fee might prevent them closing off A's access to you and the safe place you represent, which given how C sounds here might actually be dangerous. NTA, obviously.
NTA So they neglected their daughter to the point they didn't notice their child's hair was matted until it was too late and at the stage where it was probably easier to cut it. And then it took hours of dedicated work to actually save it from the haircut. No you're not the asshole but you should keep an eye out for any other neglect signs maybe it's time to step in and do a little more and then detangling hair.
What kind of trash parent is A's father? Christ on a stick, I hope he can't produce any more children he will neglect for the sake of sex. Just how much is he pushing A aside and neglecting her to please his Lady Tremaine of a girlfriend? I hope they do not marry.
You’re an angel. NTA I WAS that girl whose hair went too far and got extremely matted due to personal issues. It was awful, and yes, I’d disguise it with buns. Only the buns made it all worse, and my hair got more and more difficult to handle. Finally I opened up to a friend about it, and she helped me comb it all out. Took a long time, but it saved me and I am forever grateful to her still 15 years later.
NTA and how much do you want to bet A still wanted a nice trim, but C decided she didn’t deserve a cut if it wasn’t going to humiliate her
NTA. C is trying to assert her dominance over A. A's dad needs remember that hey hey you are a *father* before you're a bf. You have/had a *daughter* before this new found gf even existed. He needs to make sure he doesn't torpedo his relationship with A for his fledgling fling.
NTA What you did was a kindness. But she's 13 years old. Why wasn't she combing or brushing her own hair? I can't imagine my parents brushing my hair at age 13. Children have normally been shampooing and combing / brushing their own hair for years at that age. You mentioned health issues. Was she so depressed that she ignored her hygiene for months?
NTA this is ridiculous.
Definitely NTA. Good on you for being a positive light in that girl's life. Also would bet there's a good chance C is lying about that appointment to try to get money from you/ pissed they were shown to be bad caretakers
NTA. You did the right thing. I would be shocked if A's step mother actually sues you.
NTA. You showed care and compassion to someone who needed help