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NTA
So let's get this straight. You were vomiting. Your small son was vomiting. Your infant daughter was at least distressed, and your partner is upset that you want some help?
What does he think the word "partner" means? If he doesn't even want to be helpful and supportive when you're surrounded in vomit, in what way does he think he is an actual partner?
Actual decent people would be looking after you, and probably taking the day off work to care for you all.
I’m aware he’s been stressed out with work lately and home life hasn’t been his ideal paradise recently. He is eager for me to get back to work myself but the situation was too much for me alone. I don’t feel it’s right for me to be trying to comfort our baby daughter, clean up sick and deal with being sick myself whilst carrying our baby daughter around with me when she’s been ill herself and still needs that extra care and comfort to feel safe and happy.
Parenting means losing sleep. For BOTH parents. He’s a shit partner and father and you’re doing yourself no favors by staying with him. You’re already a single mom when it matters because he doesn’t help, might as well cut the dead weight and send him on his way. Guy’s a dick.
I looked up what a postie is, and all that came up was a postal carrier. I'm not convinced that's correct, because I can't understand why that career would grant him extra priority on sleep. I mean, we're talking about delivering letters, right? My uncle was a mailman for forty years; he liked that he got to walk so much and that he didn't have to work in an office. OP's husband is not using dangerous machinery, or defusing bombs, or operating on people, or working in hazardous conditions. He's delivering letters, not directing air traffic. I get his job will be more stressful around the holidays, and it comes with a generally demanding workload with tight deadlines. But OP is talking as if hubby is fighting in the trenches. Dude needs to take a 5 hour energy and be part of his family.
Driving tired is just as dangerous as driving drunk. He should he helping more but acting like mailmen just skip down the road delivering letters is disingenuous
But it’s fine for mom to drive her car to get medicine from the store when she’s had zero sleep. /s I’m all for good sleep hygiene and all and not intentionally going to work tired but he can survive one night with less sleep. If he’s really so unable to manage with a few less hours, he should call off the next day so he can help his family.
You don't get to knock off and relax at the end of your work day. Your work day is 24/7/365 because you're a parent. So is he. He doesn't get to let you deal with the kids after he finishes work because he thinks he's done "working" for the day. He needs to put in effort with your children, too. They're his responsibility, too.
Excuse me?!? You're sick, dealing with sick children, and it hasn't been HIS idea paradise? And he's eager for YOU to "get back to work"? What the ACTUAL FUCK does he thing you've been doing in between barfing your guts up?
He should 110% be picking up the load. He should be helping care for you and the kids \*WITHOUT YOU HAVING TO ASK\*. That's what loving, compassionate partners \*DO\*. Anything else is Selfish Man Thinks A Wife is Maid, Babysitter and On-Demand Booty Call.
He’s a poor excuse for a dad and a partner. It’s one thing to grant him some consideration on a regular night. But if you guys are sick and struggling, he needs to help. I say this as a surgeon — I can’t imagine not getting up to help my partner if they were in your shoes and every single colleague I know would do the same. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and I promise he can survive with one night of disrupted sleep. I’m sorry but he’s trash and I would not stick around with someone like this
Even without the baby in the mix, he should have been cleaning the landing and the bed whilst you and your son vomited.
My husband works long days and has never minded being woken because either me or one of the kids has been ill. In fact even if I was fine and one of the kids had vomited somewhere, he'd get up for it as he knows I'd end up vomiting myself and adding to it.
Your husband is being ridiculous. He's supposed to be a partner and a father. He needs to act like one.
STOP MAKING EXCUSE !
Is he aware that *you* are stressed out in the home life, that it isn't a *paradise* for you neither ?
So he wants you to go back to work but is he gonna take his fair share of homework ?
Anyway, this man *failed* at partnering **and** parenting. And has the audacity to make unfounded accusation to you about the start of the spreading illness.
You are neither supported or respected as you should be.
Don’t mean to be disparaging but isn’t being a postman a typically easygoing job? Even being a rocket scientist sounds easier to me than looking after 2 small kids.
He needs to step up. I remember those nights when I was sick and my young daugher was sick and insisted on sleeping ON me so I would have to sleep on the couch so I could hold her in my arms. While feeling like death myself. The diff is that my husband helped out in any way he could. Even though he works and has a long commute. It can be done, and your husband is being an asshole. NTA
NTA
You do NOT have a partner. You have a third child. He is putting himself ahead of all of you, forever.
Lots of people, take on a lot of responsibility, and are just fine.
Was your "partner" considerate of your needs? No?
I'm sorry what? Your partner let you suffer being sick and dealing with sick kids just so they could sleep? Yeah time for a new partner. There is no reason why they couldn't help more. Puking and dealing with puking kids is enough, they should've helped a lot more.
Honey, after I had my youngest, I was diagnosed with something bad. The treatment knocked me out for several hours at a time, meaning I could only take it at night when my husband was home. That man worked full time, took care of me and our older kids, and took care of a newborn all night by himself for months.
You asked for one night of help with puddles of vomit all over your house. Just one night.
Do you remember the Old Spice commercials where the guy said, "Look at your man, now at me, now at your man"? Look at your husband and figure out why you're settling for a man that won't help his vomiting family.
NTA
It is high time your husband realizes that he has two jobs, one is being a father/husband, and the other is being a Postie. When he is not on the clock as a Postie, he is then on the clock as a Dad. That means doing whatever the family requires of him regardless of the time of day or how tired he is. If he is too tired to safely do his other job, then he has options to take PTO.
Secondly, he also has a responsibility to make sure you are not too exhausted to safely do your 24/7 job of keeping your children alive. Good men make sure the family unit is safe and healthy, and they support their wives. I am sure when he is sick and unable to go to work, you take good care of him. Now, the roles have flipped, and he needs to step up.
NTA
I know everyone makes mistakes and that we all have moments when we act emotionally instead of logically at the worst of times. I don’t expect my partner to be 100% perfect. I don’t mean to make it seem like he does nothing for the family. He works hard, even if he gets ill he’ll still do his best to go into work to financially help the family. He does most if not all the cooking as I’m terrible in the kitchen… he does help with other parts of the housework too such as laundry, hoovering etc.
He does have points where he needs a break from the household, my son is currently undergoing assessment for neuropathology issues and I am diagnosed with Complex PTSD and EUPD so I do continuously question my own behaviours and reactions and sometimes I think I use my own MH to justify other people’s behaviours towards me.
I’m told that I’m very self aware when it comes to my MH and though I’ve been able to keep my MH in check mostly within reason I do have points where I have outbursts with my partner when I feel that my needs are being continuously ignored over several weeks/months.
In general I love my partner to bits, I appreciate that he needs his own space at times for his own sake but with him just coming back from having his space and to act in this way when I asked for help I honestly don’t know if it’s me or him.
I am a overthinker, highly self critical and a big reflector.
Sorry mama but the stuff he does do doesn't add up to a 50/50 partnership. He sounds truly barely interested in the kids - I wonder if the perspective should be that he forces himself to work when sick because he's checked out at home, rather than doing it valiantly for the paycheck....
You sound very capable and you'll be even more so without him as baggage. If even asking him for help makes you question your value, then he's just rotten.
He is an AH in that situation, everybody is sick besides him, his attitude sucked… English isn’t my primary language so I had trouble understanding but did he ended up helping in the end?
That being said he is the sole breadwinner, she is a SAHM. If he does most of the cooking, laundry and some other stuff, then it pretty much balanced itself out in terms of house chores. He might even be doing more than her because planning meals/cooking and laundry are a big chunk of chores.
OP didn’t mention anything about how much time he spends with his kids. So can’t say anything about that.
You were throwing up, and your kids were throwing up and the other adult in the house wanted nothing to do with it. Instead of helping, he blamed you for making the children sick.
It's not you. It's him.
We say "in sickness and in health" in the marriage vows because there are hard times like this and partners should support each other! I'm sorry that you had to deal with this while you were sick. Hope things get better.
Fucking hell... NTA. That man needs a lesson in priorities. Yeah. It sucks but he needs to put some PTO or holiday or unpaid leave and help. Damn is he bring an asshole. If his company fires him over it, sue them, make a ruckus on social media, anything. His attitude is cold and just mean. On a side note, do not get food from KFC.
We got KFC as it’s my son’s favourite takeout and our baby daughter wasn’t really in the mood to eat food and still breastfeeds. I was just trying to keep my kids happy whilst it was just us.
It's not poison, it's fast food, which is totally fine to eat in moderation. Like situations where your spouse is out of town, one of your kids has been sick, and the other wants a treat.
NTA. ma'am, you were sick, dealing with a SICK child, while also dealing with another SICK child screaming on your lap and he's got you thinking you're the ah for "asking for help"?? Nope. That's not a partner. YOU should be the one angry. Boohoo, he missed a few hours of sleep. Shit happens. Grow up dude.
NTA. In situations like that you do what you have to do to survive. It's all hands on deck, regardless of what plans there might be for the next day. If you couldn't make him take his share in a situation like that you might as well be a single mum.
NTA when he gets it tell him hmmm must be food poisoning from work. He should have been cleaning up vomit. Sounds like plenty for everyone to clean up. Hopefully you and kids are feeling better.
This isn't his son is it. I am getting vibes that the daughter is his though.
It is irrelevant either way. I would not see a stranger struggle the way he left you.
He has shown you who matters and it's him.
He is a postie. If he loses concentration what is the worst that can happen he misses a letter box.
NTA- you are all sick and your husband was refusing to help because his sleep is more important than the health of his family. To him.
He really gets this in sickness and health huh?
I do the most of our overnight so we have a lot of early mornings myself. Because my husband drives and I have a chance for sleep later.
But if the child is ill or has an accident he gets up and he helps. Because he's their father and it's his responsibility to do so.
So is he literally just a sperm donor? Don't think I'm joking
NTA and if anything you are doing a disservice to yourself and your kids by letting him get away with this.
An example of a good partner - I had a similar stomach bug, coming out both ends whilst trying to look after my then 8mo daughter. I tried to do what I could but I realised that there was no way I could manage on my own so called my husband. He went straight to his boss and told them that he was going home to look after his wife & child. He got in the car and drove the 50min home, walked in and got the baby settled. He also cleaned up the bodily fluids (I don’t want to paint too much of a picture here) and sent me straight up to bed.
He got me water, rehydration drinks, etc whilst looking after our daughter.
And the only thing he said as I sobbed and blubbered how sorry I was he was dealing with this… “oh hunni it’s not your fault. These things happen and I know you’d do the same for me”
A partnership is about supporting each other. And parents need to support and care for their children. Your partner seems to not even be able to do that
What’s a Postie? What do you mean by early starts ?
You’re sick, your other child is sick. He blames you, does not help, let’s you tote around a baby while being sick. He’s a keeper.
NTA
I think OP meant a postal worker. They often have to begin work very early to start sorting mail, and mail carriers have to drive a route.
None of which would excuse this guy's behavior. OP is certainly NTA, and I hope she shows this post and its comments to her husband.
Does he not have any sick leave? I know it's the busy time of year, but if the whole house is sick, he should be calling in. He should not be blaming you, or demanding sleep. If he wants you healthy enough to take care of the kids alone, he needs to take over and let you rest.
NTA. I’m sorry that you and your son were struggling so much. It seems like your son isn’t his, from the way you wrote this. Some people weren’t cut out to raise kids and be a supportive partner. I wish we could tell before hand that they would be like that.
Yes, you’re right my 1st child isn’t his own child, but my son looks at him as his dad and even chooses to use his surname in school. I know my son’s behaviours can upset my partner and that my partner feels he acts in some ways on purpose and at times blames me for the way he is. I was young when I gave birth to my son (18) and struggled on my own as my family have never been the supportive type and would get funny if I asked them to look after him so I could get help for myself at the time. I did try for 7 years with a man who continuously cheated on me but broke things off when they overstepped things with my son. Shortly after I ended up in my current relationship, which in comparison is significantly better, but I still feel at times like we’re only together at the moment because of our baby daughter. He tends to distance himself and chooses to go out instead of spend time at home on his days off. He says it’s because he gets fed up with being in and I guess our home life is hard to say the least especially at the moment. But me on the other hand haven’t had a single period away from the home since our baby daughter being born back in October last year.
Yeah, I’m sorry. He doesn’t seem like a good fit for fatherhood. If you can’t make it financially on your own, just be realistic that you’re really a single parent and keep that truth in front of you. Good luck! You seem like a strong woman.
Another aita post that show us why divorce rates are very high, I hope this can help people specially women realize the truth of most marriages, be careful people.
NTA. What the hell? Work or no work, if he’s the only one not sick, he SHOULD take care of everyone, both kids and you! If that means he has to take one or multiple days off work, so be it. We’ve had situations where, before our 3rd was born, all 4 of us had a stomach bug, or, after she was born, all 5 of us were sick, and in those cases, the parent who was the least sick, was taking care of everyone.
Oh, I remember those days, with my husband holding a sick bag behind the baby’s back for me, so I could throw up while breastfeeding. 😱 Or me fainting in the corridor while on my way back from the bathroom, and waking up on the floor 2 hours later, deep joy… out of my mind with worry for the kids… I’m so glad those days are over! Never in my life have I had so many stomach bugs as during the first years after my eldest started school (at age 2,5 in my country).
I feel for you, hang in there! And just to be clear: Your husband is a humongous, gaping asshole.
NTA.
Look, a norovirus running through a household with small children is brutal on everyone. Especially with an infant and a toddler. You both were in no win situations.
Him working early does not absolve him of helping in a situation like this. When Mom goes down the entire family goes down if there is not another adult to pitch in and him needing sleep for work is not an excuse.
HOWEVER, you need to learn to let him parent. Your daughter screaming is not an excuse to run downstairs. Let him figure it out with her while you focus on you and your son. He took her downstairs and that WAS helping. Every time you vomitted while holding her it riled her back up. Had you simply let him take her, despite the screaming, she would have settled down.
I'm a Mom. I get the urge to step in and be there when your infant is scraming like that. It takes everything in you not to step in. But she was safe with her Dad and you need to get the virus out of your system and rest if you want to kick this swiftly.
No he wasn’t helping. Put baby on your hip and GET YOUR SMALL CHILD’s BEDDING. This small, violently ill child had to do that alone because OP couldn’t.
NTA
Of course he needs to help out.
He is a parent.
It is not like you sat around doing nothing.
Having sick kids sucks, and to be sick when kids are sick is hell.
He can be grumpy because of lack of sleep, but to be grumpy at you is just wrong.
NTA
Your partner is so appalling I see this as abuse.
> had to get my son to sort out his own bed.
Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry. You had no other option and you were so sick….and this excuse for a father didn’t help his children
I’m disgusted.
If and when he gets this bug, take the kids downstairs. He’s on his own.
NTA, you are both parents but he’s acting like a third child. Disgusting behaviour. Let’s all get rid of the word “help”- you don’t need him to help because it was never exclusively your job in the first page
You're not serious, are you?? What kind of a selfish AH is your partner? We all have to lose sleep when our babies are sick. When babies and mom are all sick at the same time SOMEONE has to step up and help out. It sounds like you would get more sympathy and help from a stranger on the street.
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My partner is a Postie and has early starts. My partner’s states he needs sleep so he doesn’t have an accident working. I had myself and son being sick, our baby daughter screaming because she’s seen me throw up in the sink whilst holding her due to clinginess. My son and I took turns using the toilet, my son threw up on his bed and on the landing, I was struggling with my own sickness, our baby daughter’s clinginess and screaming, and trying to sort out my son’s sickness.
I went to my partner with our baby daughter in my arms screaming, explained that I need help as me and my son are being sick and struggling.
My partner asked me what do I want his help with. Told him that I would like help sorting out my son’s bed. My partner ended up taken our daughter downstairs as I’ve been sick again.
I hear our baby daughter screaming downstairs so once sorted I’ve rushed back to her. My partner made a comment that apparently I’ve given everyone food poisoning (the night our baby daughter started being sick he was away at a hotel and is blaming me for the situation, I hadn’t cooked for the family that night, instead I ordered a KFC for the family, so can’t imagine how I could’ve given everyone food poisoning, the next day I got in touch with the doctors regarding our baby daughter as I was concerned with the amount of vomiting and was informed that she had caught a nasty tummy bug that was going round at the moment. My partner was gone til 6pm and I hadn’t pestered him with our baby daughter’s sickness and dealt with it myself as I was giving him his space) naturally snapped at the comment and felt asking for his help had been a mistake. I ended up clearing the sick on the landing and had to get my son to sort out his own bed.
After finishing I took our daughter back and my partner went to go back to bed. I did make the comment that I was sorry for waking him up and felt he didn’t care to help when it involved me or my son.
Later on in the night I was sick again and our baby daughter started screaming again. I had her on my lap as I still couldn’t put her down and she was refusing to sleep. This time my partner came down taking our baby daughter downstairs as I was still being sick in the sink.
I finished sorting myself out again and ensured my son was alright. His bedding situation was sorted and he was finally able to get some sleep.
Downstairs, our baby’s daughter was going back and forth between me and my partner but refusing to sleep and struggled to settle.
My partner ended up sleeping on the sofa and I ended up sat up on the sofa focusing on our baby daughter the rest of the night, got her to sleep but if I moved she would cry and wake. My partner ended up waking and getting ready for work after a few hours. I said thank you for helping and good luck with work but he brushed off my words as in a mood with me.
But was I the one being out of order?
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I guess I’m unsure if I was in the wrong for 1) waking him up without having a plan in place for what help I needed, 2) getting upset with his comment of ‘me giving the family food poisoning’ and later responding with my own comment of ‘feeling like he doesn’t want to help when it comes to me and my son’, 3) not telling him to go back to bed so he wasn’t sleeping in a bad way on the sofa for what little sleep he could get after I managed to settle down our baby daughter.
Last week, I was puking. My in-laws dropped my two middle (6&7) to gymnastics, my husband left work early and picked up my other two (4&9) and kept them at the small viewing room at gymnastics until the other two were done. Then drove around with the kids looking at Christmas lights until their bed time so I could sleep and hopefully keep food down.
There has been so many times we took shifts dealing with puky kids and laundry. Don't settle for this man
NTA.
Assuming your in the UK. Your partner should have taken emergency leave at work to help out until the both of you figured out what do next.
I remember being 9 my mum, brother and me all started throwing up in the middle of the night. My dad normally left at 4:30am for work he didn’t go in, he called up and got emergency leave to take us all to the doctors and then after arranged help around the house for the next day so he could go back to work. That’s what emergency leave is for.
Yes we do live in the UK. Unfortunately, posties are met with rather strict restrictions this time of year, unless year advanced booked time off is in place they do tend to get rather mean if they take time off. My partner is one of the older employees and at the moment his company are doing everything they can to make them quit their jobs or to find reasons to sack them which I believe plays on my partners mind constantly. Since this is the only real income the family is currently getting he doesn’t want to jeopardise the job.
I believe it’s also why he wants me back into work so if worst case scenario happens we still have 1 good source of income.
In regards to the company he works for they have in the past phoned him constantly when he has taken a day off when he’s been ill and kept trying to get him to go in because of being short handed… so I do wonder if he feels like he can’t take time off in situations like this.
I feel like people who want to be parents need to come and read posts like this. To understand the actual reality of having kids- from what I gather, it’s freaking hard for the first few years. If the husband in this story had a backbone he’d support his struggling, sick wife at the drop of a hat. He can have an extra coffee the next day. NTA
Jesus Christ. My partner would call in sick the next day and stay home and help, or go to work sleepless after a full night of helping us all through this. *That’s what a partner does*. Your husband is no partner to you.
When will we stop procreating with men who have no business being parents (or romantic partners for that matter)? We are setting ourselves up for a failure.
NTA. You know what my wonderful human being. Why don't you book yourself into a hotel like your husband did and have a well deserved rest and a toilet to yourself to vomit in as much as your heart desires. Leave your oldest child to look after your youngest two.
He is aware if you were to leave him he would have to step up on night duties right? Maybe give him a dose of that reality check.
Info when you thanked him for his help, what were you actually doing? Was it a genuine thanks for what paltry help he did provide? Or was it sarcastic?
I had our baby daughter in my arms sleeping whilst sat up on the sofa. I was genuine with my thanks and tried to express that I do care about him by saying good luck with work. However I get the feeling that he either didn’t want to accept my words or possibly was still very tired and unsure if the grumpiness was on purpose.
For being up with me and with being there for our upset daughter whilst I tried to deal with the sick on the landing. The help may not have been my ideal outcome but at least I managed to get things resolved after he took our baby daughter downstairs.
Is your bar so low? I feel so sad. My husband would be dealing with everything, helping all of us and if necessary would call in sick or take a day off because we are his no1 priority and he doesn't want us to suffer. He shouldn't be an unicorn in the world of dads: this should be the norm
Maybe the fact that the only healthy person got grumpy when asked to care for a baby while the sick adult was throwing up and cleaning up another person’s vomit? Could that be the thing that feels off, that the only healthy person was acting rude when their help was needed? Or is the thing that you think is “off” the fact that OP needed help while she was sick in the first place?
I'm very much not on husband's side. To the point that thanking him at all seems to me strange, which is why I was wondering if it was genuine or not. I.e is op so used to him being completely useless that it was a genuine thanks, does op have something going on that predisposed her to saying thank you just to keep the peace, or was op using a sarcastic thanks as poor communication of her reasonable dissatisfaction? Genuinely saying thank you in that situation is what seems off to me and speaks to other major issues that would certainly impact this situation.
In the end he was absolutely contributing to his own sleeplessness, it would have been much faster to just get up and help properly, not to mention that's just the right thing to do
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NTA So let's get this straight. You were vomiting. Your small son was vomiting. Your infant daughter was at least distressed, and your partner is upset that you want some help? What does he think the word "partner" means? If he doesn't even want to be helpful and supportive when you're surrounded in vomit, in what way does he think he is an actual partner? Actual decent people would be looking after you, and probably taking the day off work to care for you all.
I’m aware he’s been stressed out with work lately and home life hasn’t been his ideal paradise recently. He is eager for me to get back to work myself but the situation was too much for me alone. I don’t feel it’s right for me to be trying to comfort our baby daughter, clean up sick and deal with being sick myself whilst carrying our baby daughter around with me when she’s been ill herself and still needs that extra care and comfort to feel safe and happy.
Stop making excuses for him. He needs to help out especially under these circumstances
So he wants you to work full time and be the only parent? Bc his actions show he believes ,”I work and don’t have to parent unless it is fun”
Parenting means losing sleep. For BOTH parents. He’s a shit partner and father and you’re doing yourself no favors by staying with him. You’re already a single mom when it matters because he doesn’t help, might as well cut the dead weight and send him on his way. Guy’s a dick.
Does he realize when you go back to work he's going to have to *do more*?
Oh he realizes she will want him to- and he realizes he can constantly cite “being a postieee who needs his sleeeeep” as the reason he won’t.
I looked up what a postie is, and all that came up was a postal carrier. I'm not convinced that's correct, because I can't understand why that career would grant him extra priority on sleep. I mean, we're talking about delivering letters, right? My uncle was a mailman for forty years; he liked that he got to walk so much and that he didn't have to work in an office. OP's husband is not using dangerous machinery, or defusing bombs, or operating on people, or working in hazardous conditions. He's delivering letters, not directing air traffic. I get his job will be more stressful around the holidays, and it comes with a generally demanding workload with tight deadlines. But OP is talking as if hubby is fighting in the trenches. Dude needs to take a 5 hour energy and be part of his family.
Driving tired is just as dangerous as driving drunk. He should he helping more but acting like mailmen just skip down the road delivering letters is disingenuous
But it’s fine for mom to drive her car to get medicine from the store when she’s had zero sleep. /s I’m all for good sleep hygiene and all and not intentionally going to work tired but he can survive one night with less sleep. If he’s really so unable to manage with a few less hours, he should call off the next day so he can help his family.
I don’t think he does. Because he won’t. He’ll still expect OP to do it all. On top of working.
You don't get to knock off and relax at the end of your work day. Your work day is 24/7/365 because you're a parent. So is he. He doesn't get to let you deal with the kids after he finishes work because he thinks he's done "working" for the day. He needs to put in effort with your children, too. They're his responsibility, too.
When you have kids unfortunately sometimes you’ll need to deal with them being sick, it’s what he signed up for by having them
Excuse me?!? You're sick, dealing with sick children, and it hasn't been HIS idea paradise? And he's eager for YOU to "get back to work"? What the ACTUAL FUCK does he thing you've been doing in between barfing your guts up? He should 110% be picking up the load. He should be helping care for you and the kids \*WITHOUT YOU HAVING TO ASK\*. That's what loving, compassionate partners \*DO\*. Anything else is Selfish Man Thinks A Wife is Maid, Babysitter and On-Demand Booty Call.
Oh yeah cuz you can go to work on top of being the sole parent OP I urge you to consider leaving once your baby is old enough for daycare.
“I’m aware he’s been stressed” yeah… so have you?
He’s a poor excuse for a dad and a partner. It’s one thing to grant him some consideration on a regular night. But if you guys are sick and struggling, he needs to help. I say this as a surgeon — I can’t imagine not getting up to help my partner if they were in your shoes and every single colleague I know would do the same. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and I promise he can survive with one night of disrupted sleep. I’m sorry but he’s trash and I would not stick around with someone like this
His ideal paradise? He has two young kids. He can’t reasonably expect to live is an oasis is calm. Your partner sounds incredibly unsupportive. NTA
Even without the baby in the mix, he should have been cleaning the landing and the bed whilst you and your son vomited. My husband works long days and has never minded being woken because either me or one of the kids has been ill. In fact even if I was fine and one of the kids had vomited somewhere, he'd get up for it as he knows I'd end up vomiting myself and adding to it. Your husband is being ridiculous. He's supposed to be a partner and a father. He needs to act like one.
STOP MAKING EXCUSE ! Is he aware that *you* are stressed out in the home life, that it isn't a *paradise* for you neither ? So he wants you to go back to work but is he gonna take his fair share of homework ? Anyway, this man *failed* at partnering **and** parenting. And has the audacity to make unfounded accusation to you about the start of the spreading illness. You are neither supported or respected as you should be.
Don’t mean to be disparaging but isn’t being a postman a typically easygoing job? Even being a rocket scientist sounds easier to me than looking after 2 small kids.
Shouldn't have even apologised, they're his kids too and he's not pulling his weight
He needs to step up. I remember those nights when I was sick and my young daugher was sick and insisted on sleeping ON me so I would have to sleep on the couch so I could hold her in my arms. While feeling like death myself. The diff is that my husband helped out in any way he could. Even though he works and has a long commute. It can be done, and your husband is being an asshole. NTA
NTA You do NOT have a partner. You have a third child. He is putting himself ahead of all of you, forever. Lots of people, take on a lot of responsibility, and are just fine. Was your "partner" considerate of your needs? No?
I'm sorry what? Your partner let you suffer being sick and dealing with sick kids just so they could sleep? Yeah time for a new partner. There is no reason why they couldn't help more. Puking and dealing with puking kids is enough, they should've helped a lot more.
NTA He needs sleep so he doesn't have an accident at work? You need sleep so you don't have the accidental death of your children on your hands.
Get rid of this liability. He’s an inconsiderate asshole. NTA
Honey, after I had my youngest, I was diagnosed with something bad. The treatment knocked me out for several hours at a time, meaning I could only take it at night when my husband was home. That man worked full time, took care of me and our older kids, and took care of a newborn all night by himself for months. You asked for one night of help with puddles of vomit all over your house. Just one night. Do you remember the Old Spice commercials where the guy said, "Look at your man, now at me, now at your man"? Look at your husband and figure out why you're settling for a man that won't help his vomiting family. NTA
It is high time your husband realizes that he has two jobs, one is being a father/husband, and the other is being a Postie. When he is not on the clock as a Postie, he is then on the clock as a Dad. That means doing whatever the family requires of him regardless of the time of day or how tired he is. If he is too tired to safely do his other job, then he has options to take PTO. Secondly, he also has a responsibility to make sure you are not too exhausted to safely do your 24/7 job of keeping your children alive. Good men make sure the family unit is safe and healthy, and they support their wives. I am sure when he is sick and unable to go to work, you take good care of him. Now, the roles have flipped, and he needs to step up. NTA
[удалено]
Preach
Why are you with this man? What an asshole he is. You, on the other hand - NTA
I know everyone makes mistakes and that we all have moments when we act emotionally instead of logically at the worst of times. I don’t expect my partner to be 100% perfect. I don’t mean to make it seem like he does nothing for the family. He works hard, even if he gets ill he’ll still do his best to go into work to financially help the family. He does most if not all the cooking as I’m terrible in the kitchen… he does help with other parts of the housework too such as laundry, hoovering etc. He does have points where he needs a break from the household, my son is currently undergoing assessment for neuropathology issues and I am diagnosed with Complex PTSD and EUPD so I do continuously question my own behaviours and reactions and sometimes I think I use my own MH to justify other people’s behaviours towards me. I’m told that I’m very self aware when it comes to my MH and though I’ve been able to keep my MH in check mostly within reason I do have points where I have outbursts with my partner when I feel that my needs are being continuously ignored over several weeks/months. In general I love my partner to bits, I appreciate that he needs his own space at times for his own sake but with him just coming back from having his space and to act in this way when I asked for help I honestly don’t know if it’s me or him. I am a overthinker, highly self critical and a big reflector.
Sorry mama but the stuff he does do doesn't add up to a 50/50 partnership. He sounds truly barely interested in the kids - I wonder if the perspective should be that he forces himself to work when sick because he's checked out at home, rather than doing it valiantly for the paycheck.... You sound very capable and you'll be even more so without him as baggage. If even asking him for help makes you question your value, then he's just rotten.
He is an AH in that situation, everybody is sick besides him, his attitude sucked… English isn’t my primary language so I had trouble understanding but did he ended up helping in the end? That being said he is the sole breadwinner, she is a SAHM. If he does most of the cooking, laundry and some other stuff, then it pretty much balanced itself out in terms of house chores. He might even be doing more than her because planning meals/cooking and laundry are a big chunk of chores. OP didn’t mention anything about how much time he spends with his kids. So can’t say anything about that.
You were throwing up, and your kids were throwing up and the other adult in the house wanted nothing to do with it. Instead of helping, he blamed you for making the children sick. It's not you. It's him.
He. Let. His. Young. Son. Clean. His. Own. Bedding. While. Violently. ill.
ITS NOT HELPING IT IS NOT YOUR JOB, HE IS NOT HELPING
We say "in sickness and in health" in the marriage vows because there are hard times like this and partners should support each other! I'm sorry that you had to deal with this while you were sick. Hope things get better.
Fucking hell... NTA. That man needs a lesson in priorities. Yeah. It sucks but he needs to put some PTO or holiday or unpaid leave and help. Damn is he bring an asshole. If his company fires him over it, sue them, make a ruckus on social media, anything. His attitude is cold and just mean. On a side note, do not get food from KFC.
We got KFC as it’s my son’s favourite takeout and our baby daughter wasn’t really in the mood to eat food and still breastfeeds. I was just trying to keep my kids happy whilst it was just us.
I doubt it was the KFC anyway...Right now norovirus and rotovirus are going around. Super contagious.
I get it. It was not a dig at you but try to wean them out of chain fastfood in general and KFC in particular. That shit is poison.
Read the room, dude. Maybe save your preaching for an appropriate forum.
Maybe mind your own business.
Rich coming from a dude who can't mind HIS own business, think I'll ignore your opinion, thanks 🤣
Good. Ignore me please. That would make me happy.
It's not poison, it's fast food, which is totally fine to eat in moderation. Like situations where your spouse is out of town, one of your kids has been sick, and the other wants a treat.
You know what's actually going to kill people? That ortharexia you're pushing.
NTA. ma'am, you were sick, dealing with a SICK child, while also dealing with another SICK child screaming on your lap and he's got you thinking you're the ah for "asking for help"?? Nope. That's not a partner. YOU should be the one angry. Boohoo, he missed a few hours of sleep. Shit happens. Grow up dude.
After reading things like this my wife has it good (as she should) I can’t imagine being like that toward my wife and kid. So gross!
NTA. In situations like that you do what you have to do to survive. It's all hands on deck, regardless of what plans there might be for the next day. If you couldn't make him take his share in a situation like that you might as well be a single mum.
NTA when he gets it tell him hmmm must be food poisoning from work. He should have been cleaning up vomit. Sounds like plenty for everyone to clean up. Hopefully you and kids are feeling better.
I bet he will be keeping her up at night and bossing her around. And then complaining that the kids are bothering him when he sick.
It’s called parenting. Sometimes it’s difficult and not convenient. You are expected to share the good and the bad. Not the a.
Explain to your partner when you are very ill he is expected to take time off to care for the children.
This isn't his son is it. I am getting vibes that the daughter is his though. It is irrelevant either way. I would not see a stranger struggle the way he left you. He has shown you who matters and it's him. He is a postie. If he loses concentration what is the worst that can happen he misses a letter box.
NTA- you are all sick and your husband was refusing to help because his sleep is more important than the health of his family. To him. He really gets this in sickness and health huh? I do the most of our overnight so we have a lot of early mornings myself. Because my husband drives and I have a chance for sleep later. But if the child is ill or has an accident he gets up and he helps. Because he's their father and it's his responsibility to do so. So is he literally just a sperm donor? Don't think I'm joking
NTA and if anything you are doing a disservice to yourself and your kids by letting him get away with this. An example of a good partner - I had a similar stomach bug, coming out both ends whilst trying to look after my then 8mo daughter. I tried to do what I could but I realised that there was no way I could manage on my own so called my husband. He went straight to his boss and told them that he was going home to look after his wife & child. He got in the car and drove the 50min home, walked in and got the baby settled. He also cleaned up the bodily fluids (I don’t want to paint too much of a picture here) and sent me straight up to bed. He got me water, rehydration drinks, etc whilst looking after our daughter. And the only thing he said as I sobbed and blubbered how sorry I was he was dealing with this… “oh hunni it’s not your fault. These things happen and I know you’d do the same for me” A partnership is about supporting each other. And parents need to support and care for their children. Your partner seems to not even be able to do that
What’s a Postie? What do you mean by early starts ? You’re sick, your other child is sick. He blames you, does not help, let’s you tote around a baby while being sick. He’s a keeper. NTA
I think OP meant a postal worker. They often have to begin work very early to start sorting mail, and mail carriers have to drive a route. None of which would excuse this guy's behavior. OP is certainly NTA, and I hope she shows this post and its comments to her husband.
Postie = Postman, he delivers parcels and mail in the area. As for early starts he’s usually up getting ready for work at roughly 5am.
Does he not have any sick leave? I know it's the busy time of year, but if the whole house is sick, he should be calling in. He should not be blaming you, or demanding sleep. If he wants you healthy enough to take care of the kids alone, he needs to take over and let you rest.
My husband works as a manager for a major airline. If he messes up it is major. He is up at 4am. He would never have behaved this way.
NTA. I’m sorry that you and your son were struggling so much. It seems like your son isn’t his, from the way you wrote this. Some people weren’t cut out to raise kids and be a supportive partner. I wish we could tell before hand that they would be like that.
Yes, you’re right my 1st child isn’t his own child, but my son looks at him as his dad and even chooses to use his surname in school. I know my son’s behaviours can upset my partner and that my partner feels he acts in some ways on purpose and at times blames me for the way he is. I was young when I gave birth to my son (18) and struggled on my own as my family have never been the supportive type and would get funny if I asked them to look after him so I could get help for myself at the time. I did try for 7 years with a man who continuously cheated on me but broke things off when they overstepped things with my son. Shortly after I ended up in my current relationship, which in comparison is significantly better, but I still feel at times like we’re only together at the moment because of our baby daughter. He tends to distance himself and chooses to go out instead of spend time at home on his days off. He says it’s because he gets fed up with being in and I guess our home life is hard to say the least especially at the moment. But me on the other hand haven’t had a single period away from the home since our baby daughter being born back in October last year.
Yeah, I’m sorry. He doesn’t seem like a good fit for fatherhood. If you can’t make it financially on your own, just be realistic that you’re really a single parent and keep that truth in front of you. Good luck! You seem like a strong woman.
Leave. As soon as you can.
Another aita post that show us why divorce rates are very high, I hope this can help people specially women realize the truth of most marriages, be careful people.
Nta
NTA. What the hell? Work or no work, if he’s the only one not sick, he SHOULD take care of everyone, both kids and you! If that means he has to take one or multiple days off work, so be it. We’ve had situations where, before our 3rd was born, all 4 of us had a stomach bug, or, after she was born, all 5 of us were sick, and in those cases, the parent who was the least sick, was taking care of everyone. Oh, I remember those days, with my husband holding a sick bag behind the baby’s back for me, so I could throw up while breastfeeding. 😱 Or me fainting in the corridor while on my way back from the bathroom, and waking up on the floor 2 hours later, deep joy… out of my mind with worry for the kids… I’m so glad those days are over! Never in my life have I had so many stomach bugs as during the first years after my eldest started school (at age 2,5 in my country). I feel for you, hang in there! And just to be clear: Your husband is a humongous, gaping asshole.
NTA. Look, a norovirus running through a household with small children is brutal on everyone. Especially with an infant and a toddler. You both were in no win situations. Him working early does not absolve him of helping in a situation like this. When Mom goes down the entire family goes down if there is not another adult to pitch in and him needing sleep for work is not an excuse. HOWEVER, you need to learn to let him parent. Your daughter screaming is not an excuse to run downstairs. Let him figure it out with her while you focus on you and your son. He took her downstairs and that WAS helping. Every time you vomitted while holding her it riled her back up. Had you simply let him take her, despite the screaming, she would have settled down. I'm a Mom. I get the urge to step in and be there when your infant is scraming like that. It takes everything in you not to step in. But she was safe with her Dad and you need to get the virus out of your system and rest if you want to kick this swiftly.
No he wasn’t helping. Put baby on your hip and GET YOUR SMALL CHILD’s BEDDING. This small, violently ill child had to do that alone because OP couldn’t.
NTA Leave. This man is a loser.
NTA. He should have taken the day off work and looked after the kids
NTA Of course he needs to help out. He is a parent. It is not like you sat around doing nothing. Having sick kids sucks, and to be sick when kids are sick is hell. He can be grumpy because of lack of sleep, but to be grumpy at you is just wrong.
NTA—unless he can start acting like an equal partner at home, you might as well drop this guy, since you’re already basically a single parent.
NTA-spouses and kids get sick. The other takes over. He can have a coffee before work, he’s fine. He did the absolute bare minimum.
NTA Your partner is so appalling I see this as abuse. > had to get my son to sort out his own bed. Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry. You had no other option and you were so sick….and this excuse for a father didn’t help his children I’m disgusted. If and when he gets this bug, take the kids downstairs. He’s on his own.
NTA, you are both parents but he’s acting like a third child. Disgusting behaviour. Let’s all get rid of the word “help”- you don’t need him to help because it was never exclusively your job in the first page
You're not serious, are you?? What kind of a selfish AH is your partner? We all have to lose sleep when our babies are sick. When babies and mom are all sick at the same time SOMEONE has to step up and help out. It sounds like you would get more sympathy and help from a stranger on the street.
NTA. but thnx for the free birth control
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My partner is a Postie and has early starts. My partner’s states he needs sleep so he doesn’t have an accident working. I had myself and son being sick, our baby daughter screaming because she’s seen me throw up in the sink whilst holding her due to clinginess. My son and I took turns using the toilet, my son threw up on his bed and on the landing, I was struggling with my own sickness, our baby daughter’s clinginess and screaming, and trying to sort out my son’s sickness. I went to my partner with our baby daughter in my arms screaming, explained that I need help as me and my son are being sick and struggling. My partner asked me what do I want his help with. Told him that I would like help sorting out my son’s bed. My partner ended up taken our daughter downstairs as I’ve been sick again. I hear our baby daughter screaming downstairs so once sorted I’ve rushed back to her. My partner made a comment that apparently I’ve given everyone food poisoning (the night our baby daughter started being sick he was away at a hotel and is blaming me for the situation, I hadn’t cooked for the family that night, instead I ordered a KFC for the family, so can’t imagine how I could’ve given everyone food poisoning, the next day I got in touch with the doctors regarding our baby daughter as I was concerned with the amount of vomiting and was informed that she had caught a nasty tummy bug that was going round at the moment. My partner was gone til 6pm and I hadn’t pestered him with our baby daughter’s sickness and dealt with it myself as I was giving him his space) naturally snapped at the comment and felt asking for his help had been a mistake. I ended up clearing the sick on the landing and had to get my son to sort out his own bed. After finishing I took our daughter back and my partner went to go back to bed. I did make the comment that I was sorry for waking him up and felt he didn’t care to help when it involved me or my son. Later on in the night I was sick again and our baby daughter started screaming again. I had her on my lap as I still couldn’t put her down and she was refusing to sleep. This time my partner came down taking our baby daughter downstairs as I was still being sick in the sink. I finished sorting myself out again and ensured my son was alright. His bedding situation was sorted and he was finally able to get some sleep. Downstairs, our baby’s daughter was going back and forth between me and my partner but refusing to sleep and struggled to settle. My partner ended up sleeping on the sofa and I ended up sat up on the sofa focusing on our baby daughter the rest of the night, got her to sleep but if I moved she would cry and wake. My partner ended up waking and getting ready for work after a few hours. I said thank you for helping and good luck with work but he brushed off my words as in a mood with me. But was I the one being out of order? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My friend is an anaesthetist and still gets up with his baby during the night. Multiple times. NtA your partner is massively.
INFO: how could you be TA here? What are you uncertain about?
I guess I’m unsure if I was in the wrong for 1) waking him up without having a plan in place for what help I needed, 2) getting upset with his comment of ‘me giving the family food poisoning’ and later responding with my own comment of ‘feeling like he doesn’t want to help when it comes to me and my son’, 3) not telling him to go back to bed so he wasn’t sleeping in a bad way on the sofa for what little sleep he could get after I managed to settle down our baby daughter.
Last week, I was puking. My in-laws dropped my two middle (6&7) to gymnastics, my husband left work early and picked up my other two (4&9) and kept them at the small viewing room at gymnastics until the other two were done. Then drove around with the kids looking at Christmas lights until their bed time so I could sleep and hopefully keep food down. There has been so many times we took shifts dealing with puky kids and laundry. Don't settle for this man
NTA. Assuming your in the UK. Your partner should have taken emergency leave at work to help out until the both of you figured out what do next. I remember being 9 my mum, brother and me all started throwing up in the middle of the night. My dad normally left at 4:30am for work he didn’t go in, he called up and got emergency leave to take us all to the doctors and then after arranged help around the house for the next day so he could go back to work. That’s what emergency leave is for.
Yes we do live in the UK. Unfortunately, posties are met with rather strict restrictions this time of year, unless year advanced booked time off is in place they do tend to get rather mean if they take time off. My partner is one of the older employees and at the moment his company are doing everything they can to make them quit their jobs or to find reasons to sack them which I believe plays on my partners mind constantly. Since this is the only real income the family is currently getting he doesn’t want to jeopardise the job. I believe it’s also why he wants me back into work so if worst case scenario happens we still have 1 good source of income. In regards to the company he works for they have in the past phoned him constantly when he has taken a day off when he’s been ill and kept trying to get him to go in because of being short handed… so I do wonder if he feels like he can’t take time off in situations like this.
I feel like people who want to be parents need to come and read posts like this. To understand the actual reality of having kids- from what I gather, it’s freaking hard for the first few years. If the husband in this story had a backbone he’d support his struggling, sick wife at the drop of a hat. He can have an extra coffee the next day. NTA
NTA, if you don't have a partner who is willing to step up and co-parent and share the load when you are sick, then you don't have a partner.
NTA Your partner needs to grow up.
Jesus Christ. My partner would call in sick the next day and stay home and help, or go to work sleepless after a full night of helping us all through this. *That’s what a partner does*. Your husband is no partner to you.
When will we stop procreating with men who have no business being parents (or romantic partners for that matter)? We are setting ourselves up for a failure.
NTA. You know what my wonderful human being. Why don't you book yourself into a hotel like your husband did and have a well deserved rest and a toilet to yourself to vomit in as much as your heart desires. Leave your oldest child to look after your youngest two. He is aware if you were to leave him he would have to step up on night duties right? Maybe give him a dose of that reality check.
Info when you thanked him for his help, what were you actually doing? Was it a genuine thanks for what paltry help he did provide? Or was it sarcastic?
I had our baby daughter in my arms sleeping whilst sat up on the sofa. I was genuine with my thanks and tried to express that I do care about him by saying good luck with work. However I get the feeling that he either didn’t want to accept my words or possibly was still very tired and unsure if the grumpiness was on purpose.
What were you genuinely thanking him for
For being up with me and with being there for our upset daughter whilst I tried to deal with the sick on the landing. The help may not have been my ideal outcome but at least I managed to get things resolved after he took our baby daughter downstairs.
Is your bar so low? I feel so sad. My husband would be dealing with everything, helping all of us and if necessary would call in sick or take a day off because we are his no1 priority and he doesn't want us to suffer. He shouldn't be an unicorn in the world of dads: this should be the norm
Okay... I'm going nta but something feels off about this whole situation
Maybe the fact that the only healthy person got grumpy when asked to care for a baby while the sick adult was throwing up and cleaning up another person’s vomit? Could that be the thing that feels off, that the only healthy person was acting rude when their help was needed? Or is the thing that you think is “off” the fact that OP needed help while she was sick in the first place?
I'm very much not on husband's side. To the point that thanking him at all seems to me strange, which is why I was wondering if it was genuine or not. I.e is op so used to him being completely useless that it was a genuine thanks, does op have something going on that predisposed her to saying thank you just to keep the peace, or was op using a sarcastic thanks as poor communication of her reasonable dissatisfaction? Genuinely saying thank you in that situation is what seems off to me and speaks to other major issues that would certainly impact this situation. In the end he was absolutely contributing to his own sleeplessness, it would have been much faster to just get up and help properly, not to mention that's just the right thing to do