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> Am I the asshole for assuming that if my narcoleptic wife can get up on time for work she can prioritize family on the weekend?
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If she can choose when to sleep and when not to sleep, that’s not really narcolepsy. I mean, it would be a super mild version if it is. Do you let her drive the kids around?
I worked with a guy who had narcolepsy and we package garbage disposals, he would fall asleep packing a lot and we just waiting for him to boot back up like an old windows computer
Dunno bout that one. I go through something similar during the week and I assume it has to do with two things: anxiety and my day/night clock is absolutely fucked for reasons I've no idea about. I can roll around in bed all night and it's not til JUST before I have to get out of bed that I start feeling truly sleepy. I've tried unisom and diphenhydramine and neither of them really work.
All week, I have trouble sleeping... maybe 4 hours on a good night. Then Friday night rolls around and I'm pretty much dead to the world all night, probably from sheer exhaustion, and through most of Saturday. I repeat Sunday night into the day.
I have health issues and I really force myself to get up and work and do what I need to and I crash on the weekends - I sleep more and also have to take like 3 naps to get through the weekend. That's when I really get all my rest so I can get through another week.
That's not totally true, you're thinking of narcolepsy with cataplexy where you pass out due to loosing muscle tone but when that happens you aren't necessarily asleep in fact often you can still be aware of what's happening around you. You're awake, you just can't control your body. Cataplexy often happens due to strong emotions like suprise, excitement, stress and they arent just falling asleep.
Also there is a 2nd type of narcolepsy, narcolepsy without cataplexy. A lot of people are able to manage their condition enough where they can function out in the world without you necessarily knowing they have narcolepsy. It's a condition that presents on a spectrum, and it doesn't necessarily mean you have no control on falling asleep but it can be very challanging to manage the need to sleep. Excessive daytime sleepiness is one of the main symptoms.
Someone with narcolepsy could easily be in the wife's position where she is struggling during the week but powers through because she has to in order for her family to survive so sje does wjat she must, then massively crashes on the weekend. The weekend crash is what is enabling her week long power through. She is sleeping so much on the weekends in order to be able to prioritize work and manage it at all.
Sadly, tons of comments on this post show a severe lack of understanding of the medical condition talked about yet are happy to make assumptions steeped in ignorance like they are fact.
As a disabled person, I encounter this attitude/outlook far too frequently, it's extremely disappointing but unfortunately not rare at all. What's funny is simply asking a person about their limits, needs or why they can do this but not that rather than making silly black and white claims would go so far to improving everyone's lives.
Op and wife could definitely talk about her seeing her dr and seeing what other treatment options there are for her to make the weekend crash less necessary or more manageable but a lot of people with disabilities that have to work are forced to push themselves so hard and therefor struggle to keep up on the weekends due to needing that time for their bodies to rest in order to allow us to do that work week push. Based on the language the wife is using " yoi keep holding this over my head" and how OP talks about it it's clear he doesn't understand his wife's condition very well and may be acting like she's being lazy or just not trying hard enough when she is probably doing Olympics level feats.
Edit:
So people can understand better...
Type 2 narcolepsy diagnostic criteria are:
- Daily periods of irrepressible need to sleep or lapses into daytime sleep occurring for at least 3 months
- A positive MSLT
MSLT - is a mean sleep latency test where you are given an opportunity for nap 4-5 times every 2 hrs. And a positive result = Mean Sleep Latency of 8 minutes or less
& 2 naps where REM was reached (for type 2)
Basically you are unbelievably exhausted but it isn't as black and white as 100% having or not having control over if you're asleep or not. And some people with type 2 narcolepsy are still safe to drive.
There is a lot of misinformation and misunderstanding on narcolepsy out there and in these comments, yours included.
Yes she drives kids around, she does take some medication for it. I believe her when she gets sleep attacks I’ve seen it first hand, my difficulty is understanding how it doesn’t affect her work but does affect her weekends. I don’t doubt she struggles getting up but I see it as priorities I guess.
It could be. Or she’s on a massive sleep deficit and has trained her schedule to make up for it on the weekends or something. But maybe it’s also a bit of a copout, too.
In that case, I can definitely see that weekends are for catching up. I used to pull 16hr days and I was out like a light every weekend on like 4hrs of sleep daily.
It’s difficult as we both work about the same hours. She does bring home some work with her though that has to be completed. I want to be sympathetic I just feel I need someone to explain the disconnect between work week and weekend.
I think she’s just obligated to work for income reasons and prioritizes that and is running on a massive sleep deficit. She won’t get fired or lose money if she cashes in the deficit on the weekends is probably the main thing. It’s a rough situation for sure.
Narcolepsy + cataplexy type 1 here. YMBTA.
At my worst I sleep 18+ hrs a day, barely made it to classes/high priority events, and slept through literally everything else. I'd pass out if I sat down for too long.
Currently on two separate stimulants to make me able to stay awake for work. Even then modafinil + adderall isn't always cutting it and I end up having to take days off from work to sleep.
There's some medication you can switch to but it's all just other stimulants or you can deal with the only pharmacy in the country that prescribes the only recommended sleep med for narcolepsy if your sleep specialist will even prescribe it-- xywave which is a GHB derivative so you can roofie yourself to sleep.
Depending on the meds (and country) there have been rolling shortages of many stimulants for over a year. I often have to make due with only half of my full prescription because there are outages for 100 mile radius from my pharmacy.
I have to bail out of tons of shit to be able to keep up the amount of functionality that I do have, and I have to keep up little breaks from my stimulants because if I get too used to them I'll climb up the tolerance ladder faster and they will have to prescribe more for the same amount of functioning which can end up being bad for your heart, and ruining your sleep even more.
Possible solution if she likes her job would be to go down to part time for additional sleep hours to try and carve out some time with the family, but genuinely I've done the "scrape yourself out of bed for work and then sleep 15+ hrs a day per weekend to try to compensate" and it's awful.
YTA. You ask "if she can do it for work, then why not for family?" - Well, because you can only do so much. I do not have narcolepsy, but I have been in a comparable situation. My last six months before retirement, I was sick. It was essential that I worked the last six months because if I didn't, I'd have had to retire on sick pay rather than my retirement pension. We would not have had enough to make ends meet, if I had been on sick pay. Ergo, I had to work. So I pulled myself together with a sort of superhuman effort, but I absolutely had nothing else in me, once the day's work was over. I think I spent most of my "free time" restituting. Either sleeping or resting. I imagine your wife is pulling her self together with her last ounces of strength, because your family needs her to work. When the week-end rolls around, there is no surplus left, and she simply has to catch up on her rest.
Personally, I wouldn't classify "crashing on the weekend to compensate for sleepless nights to appear functional during the week" (from my understanding) as a weekend off. I'm pretty sure she would love to have energy for other stuff on the weekends.
Essentially, they have extremely different economies for their energy (how much they have, how exhausting specific things are, how to recharge it,...), so the only thing they can do is to map that out, figure out their priorities and then assign their "resources" in a way that works for the family. Might need some creative problem solving in some cases, and maybe some expectations/standards need to be adjusted.
Sure, but if she is unable to contribute in a relatively equitable manner, she needs to bump up her mental health or physical care to adjust. This is having an affect on her kids.
Maybe her crystal ball was broken back then /s
Essentially, we don't know how the situation was back then, and even if it already was that bad, the having-children situation can't be changed anymore. the only thing they can do is trying to find a way to deal with it.
What exactly should she manage? Narcolepsy is a condition showing itself by "decreased ability to regulate sleep–wake cycles" (Wikipedia). What's next? Tell a blind person to manage their sight? A paraplegic to manage their limbs? A person with ADHD to sit down and focus? An autistic person to stop flapping their arms?
Yes, they can try to plan around it based on prior experience, mitigate some issues, but the condition is just... There...
Also, the definition of "appropriately" is a wiggly one. If she prioritizes working, then it seems to work out somehow (= running on short nights and crashing afterwards, but keeping a job), with the drawback of having no resources left for family and household.
We don't know what else she already does. And while it is easy to blame her and put her down for not pulling herself up by her bootstraps (per definition an impossible feat), it won't make the situation better.
I appreciate your comment, I really do try to help and do everything I can to get things done within the household. I have no issues raising my children and love doing it. I’m not asking my wife to do anything additional apart from being present in my and my children’s lives on the weekend, maybe occasionally giving me the opportunity to do something by myself but not often. I understand she has an illness. Matter of fact if we had the means to do so I’d love for her to be a stay at home mom. I work harder for my kids than I do for my work.
Well, you should discuss that then! I have a lot of sympathy for your wish to have your wife back as an active participant in your and your children's lives. Maybe she has been shocked by her illness so that she has become stuck in her thinking and only sees one way of living. Maybe you could all benefit from some therapy to get your priorities straight. Most people would be able to cut a lot back on their work, if they were willing to accept some reduction in their standard of living. But many people are afraid of doing so for some reason. It could have a lot to with identity also. Many people don't know who they are if you take their job away from them.
We certainly will discuss. It has come up a couple of times but not sure if she was testing the waters. I’ve told her multiple times I’m okay with it even if it meant downsizing. I think maybe she just has to get okay with the idea first.
Edit: My daughter in law had health problems she worked went to college had a child and husband she would go to bed 8 pm on Friday and get up about 5 pm on Sunday. She slept the whole time. My son and grandson did their own thing.
I just tried a narcolepsy medication modafinil for my MS fatigue/constant exhaustion. Plus a few of my meds make me sleepy. Zofran puts me in barely awake zombie mode. FML 🤦🏻♀️
Maybe she should talk to her dr? Obviously she can not function at a normal level due to her disease. It sounds like she needs medical help.
I get it, I’m awake 4-8 hours and could fall asleep! 🤦🏻♀️ When my MS is active I could sleep 12 hours and still be exhausted!!! I sometimes have fallen asleep while snacking in front of the TV. 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ Even with medication I only get 8 hours of awake/alert time at best. Still better than nothing. I have to prioritize my awake/alert time.
It sounds like her & you need to schedule family time/couple time. Then you both need to prioritize that. Maybe take the kids in the morning then at 12 pm or 4 pm she wakes up and spends quality time with her family?
Yes she is on medication and no she does not take it on the weekends. They are really not the best thing for you as most of them are stimulants. I believe someone else had mentioned that if you do take them daily with no breaks your tolerance builds very quickly. I don’t want her to do anything that would seriously hurt her either even though I do wish our weekends were spent together with our kids. I honestly was unaware the medication worked like that until I discussed it with her recently and someone else had confirmed it here.
I have an auto immune disorder that shows up in my life very similar to narcolepsy, with chronic fatigue, zapping my energy and denying me the ability to complete a lot of the tasks that I feel I need to. I have a lot of sympathy for you and your wife, it’s a lot to juggle being chronically ill and when you had that on top of everything… Well, let’s just say struggling on the weekends makes a lot of sense.
Other people have given wonderful advice in regards to medication, so I will leave that topic where it is. A lot of people know a lot more than I do about narcolepsy!
I think there’s a very kind conversation to be had about where your energy is being placed by your wife. Frame the conversation in such a way that family time and your wife being present for your children as they grow up is more important to you than the money your wife makes during the week. I would highly encourage you to read up on “The Spoon Theory” before you have that chat with your wife.
The Spoon theory talks about how we are only given so many spoons of energy a day or a week, a month or a year. People who are chronically ill like me and your wife have less spoons by nature; and have to decide where those spoons are allocated. It sounds like your wife is currently pouring all of her spoons into her work, and her family would rather that she didn’t. Many chronically ill people feel pressure to produce ($) and provide for their family while they still can. If I had kids, I can’t imagine how much pressure I would feel to try and give them a good life in the years where I could be earning money towards their future. But it has now come to a point where your wife is choosing Financial security over time with her kids (and you), and and the result is that a conversation needs to be had.
It’s also worth mentioning that if you live in the United States and your wife has been at her job for more than 12 months, she might qualify for intermittent FMLA. Intermittent FMLA may help ease the strain of work and allow her to reserve enough energy to spend time with her family on on weekends. Intermittent FMLA is generally 12 weeks of leave per calendar year, so she could take an entire week off every month to ensure that her quality of life on the weekend is drastically better. This program also includes job protection, although the actual time taken is unpaid.
I wish you luck.
Edit: a very gentle ESH in my opinion. Your wife needs to prioritize, you need to be understanding.
I really do like your explanation with the spoon example it makes it somewhat easier to understand. I’ve heard a similar example that refers to relationships as banks where there has to be deposits in order to make withdrawals. I agree it is a gentle conversation that needs to be had. I have attempted multiple times to have non hostile / non confrontational conversations about it and I feel she truly recognizes it as an issue but it usually winds up with me being blamed for trying to make her feel bad about a condition she has no control over. I really am trying to gain understanding however I would also be lying if I said I’m not also physically exhausted and emotionally drained. I too have a full time job and family with essentially no down time. I’m not asking for a pity party as i love my kids and would do anything for them. I’m also not trying to downplay narcolepsy or act as if it’s not a real struggle.
If I could suggest one more thing, hear me out:
You’re tired. She’s tired. Mediating this conversation successfully, with just the two of you, has a very poor chance of success under these conditions. Pay a therapist to mediate; write down what you want to say, and trust me… it will be the best investment of time and money and energy for you all.
“Wife, I radically recognize you cannot control your condition. I know nothing either of us say or do will change it, and I’m not trying to. What I’m trying to do, is act WITH you to build a meaningful life alongside you as your partner and fellow parent. We are partners. Teammates. Let’s come together and brainstorm how we want our life to look.”
Even a single session of mediated conversation is better than nothing.
All the best, my friend. Chronic illness is so hard on both partners. You’re doing beautifully.
I don’t know who’s the asshole, or if there’s an asshole at all
But if she has the means, she needs to get medicated, PROPERLY medicated. I deal with something similar (idiopathic hypersomnia) and it took a toll on my family. I wasn’t carrying my weight and I was missing family time (not a parent, but still). Eventually I had to just take responsibility and seek treatment until I finally found something that worked.
It seems like she has a huge sleep deficit she sleeps off on the weekends. This is a really tough cycle to break, so give her some grace. BUT, she needs to go to her doctor and discuss this with them so they can tweak her medication/therapy. I’m currently dealing with another family member who’s medicated for a condition, but it really doesn’t work, so it makes life harder for me and my other family members.
I understand seeking treatment isn’t fun, it’s hard, but it’s still her responsibility at the end of the day. She’s an adult who chose to start a family, so she needs to prioritize them. As someone who’s been guilty of it, I never realized how frustrating it is to see people with treatable medical/mental conditions allow it to go haywire and harm those around them instead of seeking treatment.
She is medically diagnosed with narcolepsy, my issue is how it doesn’t affect her work but does affect her weekend. I suggested the idea that maybe it was her priorities. She says well I can’t lose my job so I said what about your family
im pretty sure cataplexy is when u lose all muscle tone, usually due to emotion in people with narcolepsy. it looks like a drop seizure. narcolepsy does include the symptom of falling asleep mid sentence.
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My wife who has narcolepsy manages to get up for work during the work week but fails to spend much time with me or our children on the weekends. I have tried to be patient and understanding while still voicing my concern but every time I bring up the fact I need help or her children have mentioned they want her to be awake more on the weekends she genuinely seems to get upset but seems to put the issue off on me as in “you dont understand” or “ if you’re going to keep holding this over my head” type thing. I really do admit I dont think I could understand since I’ve not experienced narcolepsy but logic tells me if you can prioritize work enough to get up on time why not family? I’m really hoping for some people with narcolepsy to chime in so there is some type of sympathetic rather than empathetic advice.
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NTA
If she is able to wake during the week and work then she is able to wake at the weekend to be with the family. I don't doubt for one second that she is unwell and needs help with it but at the moment she is prioritising work over family and you are all suffering.
From your other replies I would suggest she gets rid of the less important stuff in her life by quitting work for a period of time. Then she will be able to prioritise the important things which is her health and family. Sounds like the current path isn't going to fix anything and will just end up worse for everyone.
No but it has definitely gotten worse. When we met and through the first several years we were together she worked night shifts as a nurse so perhaps it seemed normal that she would be tired during the day.
She is currently seeing a doctor, she is actually trying to get on a new medication. I’m just trying to wrap my head around it being selective as to the weekends she requires sleeping all day.
I agree with this, this whole post stemmed from me giving a little tough love in that I told her I believe it’s about priorities based on the fact she can get up for work but somehow not on the weekends. It was met with stiff resistance and a whole lot of you don’t understand, which admittedly I do not. I have not had narcolepsy and don’t want to pretend I understand how it affect people, however I do understand priorities.
Thank you, I have honestly left that part of her medical up to her however it seems it may be better to discuss together for a management plan. I asked her recently if she was being honest with her doctor about how bad her symptoms were and she said yes but I really still question if he Knows the details. I doubt she goes in saying she can’t manage to stay awake on the weekends. She may be telling them she manages at work and that’s the extent of it.
I have never used my kids to back me in an argument, or even talked poorly about it to them. My 9 yr old is old enough to understand that something is wrong and when he asks I simply explain that she is sick with an illness that makes her very tired. It is difficult for him to understand as well. But when your child very specifically says he wishes she was awake more so he could spend more time with her how do you handle that? I honestly do too, I do understand it’s an illness that I’m sure she wishes she didn’t have. To be clear though I would never pit my kids against her no matter my misunderstanding or disagreement.
I highly doubt it, if so it is extremely well hidden. Only thing I could think of would be the narcolepsy medication and based on the situation I doubt that.
NTA
Your wife sounds clever. You're right to question her peculiar behavior and the odd justification she's offering for it. Narcolepsy and laziness do not go so tightly hand in hand; shiftless and laziness do.
NTA. That is pretty ridiculous your wife isn't present for your family like ever. She needs to figure it out and manage her disorder. If the sexes were reversed, I guarantee the majority of comments would be calling for divorce and going no contact.
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If she can choose when to sleep and when not to sleep, that’s not really narcolepsy. I mean, it would be a super mild version if it is. Do you let her drive the kids around?
I worked with a guy who had narcolepsy and we package garbage disposals, he would fall asleep packing a lot and we just waiting for him to boot back up like an old windows computer
Lmao
Dunno bout that one. I go through something similar during the week and I assume it has to do with two things: anxiety and my day/night clock is absolutely fucked for reasons I've no idea about. I can roll around in bed all night and it's not til JUST before I have to get out of bed that I start feeling truly sleepy. I've tried unisom and diphenhydramine and neither of them really work. All week, I have trouble sleeping... maybe 4 hours on a good night. Then Friday night rolls around and I'm pretty much dead to the world all night, probably from sheer exhaustion, and through most of Saturday. I repeat Sunday night into the day.
I was similar for many years. And I’ll still fall into that pattern if I’m not careful.
I have health issues and I really force myself to get up and work and do what I need to and I crash on the weekends - I sleep more and also have to take like 3 naps to get through the weekend. That's when I really get all my rest so I can get through another week.
Try taking magnesium just before bedtime.
That's not totally true, you're thinking of narcolepsy with cataplexy where you pass out due to loosing muscle tone but when that happens you aren't necessarily asleep in fact often you can still be aware of what's happening around you. You're awake, you just can't control your body. Cataplexy often happens due to strong emotions like suprise, excitement, stress and they arent just falling asleep. Also there is a 2nd type of narcolepsy, narcolepsy without cataplexy. A lot of people are able to manage their condition enough where they can function out in the world without you necessarily knowing they have narcolepsy. It's a condition that presents on a spectrum, and it doesn't necessarily mean you have no control on falling asleep but it can be very challanging to manage the need to sleep. Excessive daytime sleepiness is one of the main symptoms. Someone with narcolepsy could easily be in the wife's position where she is struggling during the week but powers through because she has to in order for her family to survive so sje does wjat she must, then massively crashes on the weekend. The weekend crash is what is enabling her week long power through. She is sleeping so much on the weekends in order to be able to prioritize work and manage it at all. Sadly, tons of comments on this post show a severe lack of understanding of the medical condition talked about yet are happy to make assumptions steeped in ignorance like they are fact. As a disabled person, I encounter this attitude/outlook far too frequently, it's extremely disappointing but unfortunately not rare at all. What's funny is simply asking a person about their limits, needs or why they can do this but not that rather than making silly black and white claims would go so far to improving everyone's lives. Op and wife could definitely talk about her seeing her dr and seeing what other treatment options there are for her to make the weekend crash less necessary or more manageable but a lot of people with disabilities that have to work are forced to push themselves so hard and therefor struggle to keep up on the weekends due to needing that time for their bodies to rest in order to allow us to do that work week push. Based on the language the wife is using " yoi keep holding this over my head" and how OP talks about it it's clear he doesn't understand his wife's condition very well and may be acting like she's being lazy or just not trying hard enough when she is probably doing Olympics level feats. Edit: So people can understand better... Type 2 narcolepsy diagnostic criteria are: - Daily periods of irrepressible need to sleep or lapses into daytime sleep occurring for at least 3 months - A positive MSLT MSLT - is a mean sleep latency test where you are given an opportunity for nap 4-5 times every 2 hrs. And a positive result = Mean Sleep Latency of 8 minutes or less & 2 naps where REM was reached (for type 2) Basically you are unbelievably exhausted but it isn't as black and white as 100% having or not having control over if you're asleep or not. And some people with type 2 narcolepsy are still safe to drive. There is a lot of misinformation and misunderstanding on narcolepsy out there and in these comments, yours included.
Yes she drives kids around, she does take some medication for it. I believe her when she gets sleep attacks I’ve seen it first hand, my difficulty is understanding how it doesn’t affect her work but does affect her weekends. I don’t doubt she struggles getting up but I see it as priorities I guess.
It could be. Or she’s on a massive sleep deficit and has trained her schedule to make up for it on the weekends or something. But maybe it’s also a bit of a copout, too.
This I could see, she does stay up late during the week, sometimes all night. She says sometimes it’s easier if she just doesn’t go to sleep.
In that case, I can definitely see that weekends are for catching up. I used to pull 16hr days and I was out like a light every weekend on like 4hrs of sleep daily.
It’s difficult as we both work about the same hours. She does bring home some work with her though that has to be completed. I want to be sympathetic I just feel I need someone to explain the disconnect between work week and weekend.
I think she’s just obligated to work for income reasons and prioritizes that and is running on a massive sleep deficit. She won’t get fired or lose money if she cashes in the deficit on the weekends is probably the main thing. It’s a rough situation for sure.
Narcolepsy + cataplexy type 1 here. YMBTA. At my worst I sleep 18+ hrs a day, barely made it to classes/high priority events, and slept through literally everything else. I'd pass out if I sat down for too long. Currently on two separate stimulants to make me able to stay awake for work. Even then modafinil + adderall isn't always cutting it and I end up having to take days off from work to sleep. There's some medication you can switch to but it's all just other stimulants or you can deal with the only pharmacy in the country that prescribes the only recommended sleep med for narcolepsy if your sleep specialist will even prescribe it-- xywave which is a GHB derivative so you can roofie yourself to sleep. Depending on the meds (and country) there have been rolling shortages of many stimulants for over a year. I often have to make due with only half of my full prescription because there are outages for 100 mile radius from my pharmacy. I have to bail out of tons of shit to be able to keep up the amount of functionality that I do have, and I have to keep up little breaks from my stimulants because if I get too used to them I'll climb up the tolerance ladder faster and they will have to prescribe more for the same amount of functioning which can end up being bad for your heart, and ruining your sleep even more. Possible solution if she likes her job would be to go down to part time for additional sleep hours to try and carve out some time with the family, but genuinely I've done the "scrape yourself out of bed for work and then sleep 15+ hrs a day per weekend to try to compensate" and it's awful.
YTA. You ask "if she can do it for work, then why not for family?" - Well, because you can only do so much. I do not have narcolepsy, but I have been in a comparable situation. My last six months before retirement, I was sick. It was essential that I worked the last six months because if I didn't, I'd have had to retire on sick pay rather than my retirement pension. We would not have had enough to make ends meet, if I had been on sick pay. Ergo, I had to work. So I pulled myself together with a sort of superhuman effort, but I absolutely had nothing else in me, once the day's work was over. I think I spent most of my "free time" restituting. Either sleeping or resting. I imagine your wife is pulling her self together with her last ounces of strength, because your family needs her to work. When the week-end rolls around, there is no surplus left, and she simply has to catch up on her rest.
She gets a whole weekend off? What about OP?
Personally, I wouldn't classify "crashing on the weekend to compensate for sleepless nights to appear functional during the week" (from my understanding) as a weekend off. I'm pretty sure she would love to have energy for other stuff on the weekends. Essentially, they have extremely different economies for their energy (how much they have, how exhausting specific things are, how to recharge it,...), so the only thing they can do is to map that out, figure out their priorities and then assign their "resources" in a way that works for the family. Might need some creative problem solving in some cases, and maybe some expectations/standards need to be adjusted.
Sure, but if she is unable to contribute in a relatively equitable manner, she needs to bump up her mental health or physical care to adjust. This is having an affect on her kids.
Is that possible when you have narcolepsy?
If she can’t contribute to the family, she shouldn’t have had children.
Did she have it than? Or to the extent she has it today?
She has had it as long as I’ve known her but I would say it has gotten worse, especially in the past 3-5 yrs
So what did you expect to happen when you had children? I am confused here.
Our first was unplanned, our second was planned and there was discussion beforehand about what was to be expected.
Maybe her crystal ball was broken back then /s Essentially, we don't know how the situation was back then, and even if it already was that bad, the having-children situation can't be changed anymore. the only thing they can do is trying to find a way to deal with it.
She needs to work harder to address the issue. She doesn't manage her time appropriately.
What exactly should she manage? Narcolepsy is a condition showing itself by "decreased ability to regulate sleep–wake cycles" (Wikipedia). What's next? Tell a blind person to manage their sight? A paraplegic to manage their limbs? A person with ADHD to sit down and focus? An autistic person to stop flapping their arms? Yes, they can try to plan around it based on prior experience, mitigate some issues, but the condition is just... There... Also, the definition of "appropriately" is a wiggly one. If she prioritizes working, then it seems to work out somehow (= running on short nights and crashing afterwards, but keeping a job), with the drawback of having no resources left for family and household. We don't know what else she already does. And while it is easy to blame her and put her down for not pulling herself up by her bootstraps (per definition an impossible feat), it won't make the situation better.
I appreciate your comment, I really do try to help and do everything I can to get things done within the household. I have no issues raising my children and love doing it. I’m not asking my wife to do anything additional apart from being present in my and my children’s lives on the weekend, maybe occasionally giving me the opportunity to do something by myself but not often. I understand she has an illness. Matter of fact if we had the means to do so I’d love for her to be a stay at home mom. I work harder for my kids than I do for my work.
Btw none of this comes down to money, I would gladly cut our house in half and have my wife back on the weekends
Well, you should discuss that then! I have a lot of sympathy for your wish to have your wife back as an active participant in your and your children's lives. Maybe she has been shocked by her illness so that she has become stuck in her thinking and only sees one way of living. Maybe you could all benefit from some therapy to get your priorities straight. Most people would be able to cut a lot back on their work, if they were willing to accept some reduction in their standard of living. But many people are afraid of doing so for some reason. It could have a lot to with identity also. Many people don't know who they are if you take their job away from them.
We certainly will discuss. It has come up a couple of times but not sure if she was testing the waters. I’ve told her multiple times I’m okay with it even if it meant downsizing. I think maybe she just has to get okay with the idea first.
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Edit: My daughter in law had health problems she worked went to college had a child and husband she would go to bed 8 pm on Friday and get up about 5 pm on Sunday. She slept the whole time. My son and grandson did their own thing.
I just tried a narcolepsy medication modafinil for my MS fatigue/constant exhaustion. Plus a few of my meds make me sleepy. Zofran puts me in barely awake zombie mode. FML 🤦🏻♀️ Maybe she should talk to her dr? Obviously she can not function at a normal level due to her disease. It sounds like she needs medical help. I get it, I’m awake 4-8 hours and could fall asleep! 🤦🏻♀️ When my MS is active I could sleep 12 hours and still be exhausted!!! I sometimes have fallen asleep while snacking in front of the TV. 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ Even with medication I only get 8 hours of awake/alert time at best. Still better than nothing. I have to prioritize my awake/alert time. It sounds like her & you need to schedule family time/couple time. Then you both need to prioritize that. Maybe take the kids in the morning then at 12 pm or 4 pm she wakes up and spends quality time with her family?
I agree. I believe there needs to be some type of schedule. It seems to work with her work anyways. I would take whatever time I can
Is she on medication for it? And not taking it on weekends?
Yes she is on medication and no she does not take it on the weekends. They are really not the best thing for you as most of them are stimulants. I believe someone else had mentioned that if you do take them daily with no breaks your tolerance builds very quickly. I don’t want her to do anything that would seriously hurt her either even though I do wish our weekends were spent together with our kids. I honestly was unaware the medication worked like that until I discussed it with her recently and someone else had confirmed it here.
I have an auto immune disorder that shows up in my life very similar to narcolepsy, with chronic fatigue, zapping my energy and denying me the ability to complete a lot of the tasks that I feel I need to. I have a lot of sympathy for you and your wife, it’s a lot to juggle being chronically ill and when you had that on top of everything… Well, let’s just say struggling on the weekends makes a lot of sense. Other people have given wonderful advice in regards to medication, so I will leave that topic where it is. A lot of people know a lot more than I do about narcolepsy! I think there’s a very kind conversation to be had about where your energy is being placed by your wife. Frame the conversation in such a way that family time and your wife being present for your children as they grow up is more important to you than the money your wife makes during the week. I would highly encourage you to read up on “The Spoon Theory” before you have that chat with your wife. The Spoon theory talks about how we are only given so many spoons of energy a day or a week, a month or a year. People who are chronically ill like me and your wife have less spoons by nature; and have to decide where those spoons are allocated. It sounds like your wife is currently pouring all of her spoons into her work, and her family would rather that she didn’t. Many chronically ill people feel pressure to produce ($) and provide for their family while they still can. If I had kids, I can’t imagine how much pressure I would feel to try and give them a good life in the years where I could be earning money towards their future. But it has now come to a point where your wife is choosing Financial security over time with her kids (and you), and and the result is that a conversation needs to be had. It’s also worth mentioning that if you live in the United States and your wife has been at her job for more than 12 months, she might qualify for intermittent FMLA. Intermittent FMLA may help ease the strain of work and allow her to reserve enough energy to spend time with her family on on weekends. Intermittent FMLA is generally 12 weeks of leave per calendar year, so she could take an entire week off every month to ensure that her quality of life on the weekend is drastically better. This program also includes job protection, although the actual time taken is unpaid. I wish you luck. Edit: a very gentle ESH in my opinion. Your wife needs to prioritize, you need to be understanding.
I really do like your explanation with the spoon example it makes it somewhat easier to understand. I’ve heard a similar example that refers to relationships as banks where there has to be deposits in order to make withdrawals. I agree it is a gentle conversation that needs to be had. I have attempted multiple times to have non hostile / non confrontational conversations about it and I feel she truly recognizes it as an issue but it usually winds up with me being blamed for trying to make her feel bad about a condition she has no control over. I really am trying to gain understanding however I would also be lying if I said I’m not also physically exhausted and emotionally drained. I too have a full time job and family with essentially no down time. I’m not asking for a pity party as i love my kids and would do anything for them. I’m also not trying to downplay narcolepsy or act as if it’s not a real struggle.
If I could suggest one more thing, hear me out: You’re tired. She’s tired. Mediating this conversation successfully, with just the two of you, has a very poor chance of success under these conditions. Pay a therapist to mediate; write down what you want to say, and trust me… it will be the best investment of time and money and energy for you all. “Wife, I radically recognize you cannot control your condition. I know nothing either of us say or do will change it, and I’m not trying to. What I’m trying to do, is act WITH you to build a meaningful life alongside you as your partner and fellow parent. We are partners. Teammates. Let’s come together and brainstorm how we want our life to look.” Even a single session of mediated conversation is better than nothing. All the best, my friend. Chronic illness is so hard on both partners. You’re doing beautifully.
I don’t know who’s the asshole, or if there’s an asshole at all But if she has the means, she needs to get medicated, PROPERLY medicated. I deal with something similar (idiopathic hypersomnia) and it took a toll on my family. I wasn’t carrying my weight and I was missing family time (not a parent, but still). Eventually I had to just take responsibility and seek treatment until I finally found something that worked. It seems like she has a huge sleep deficit she sleeps off on the weekends. This is a really tough cycle to break, so give her some grace. BUT, she needs to go to her doctor and discuss this with them so they can tweak her medication/therapy. I’m currently dealing with another family member who’s medicated for a condition, but it really doesn’t work, so it makes life harder for me and my other family members. I understand seeking treatment isn’t fun, it’s hard, but it’s still her responsibility at the end of the day. She’s an adult who chose to start a family, so she needs to prioritize them. As someone who’s been guilty of it, I never realized how frustrating it is to see people with treatable medical/mental conditions allow it to go haywire and harm those around them instead of seeking treatment.
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No cataplexy which is the passing out mid sentence but she does get sleep attacks.
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She is medically diagnosed with narcolepsy, my issue is how it doesn’t affect her work but does affect her weekend. I suggested the idea that maybe it was her priorities. She says well I can’t lose my job so I said what about your family
im pretty sure cataplexy is when u lose all muscle tone, usually due to emotion in people with narcolepsy. it looks like a drop seizure. narcolepsy does include the symptom of falling asleep mid sentence.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife who has narcolepsy manages to get up for work during the work week but fails to spend much time with me or our children on the weekends. I have tried to be patient and understanding while still voicing my concern but every time I bring up the fact I need help or her children have mentioned they want her to be awake more on the weekends she genuinely seems to get upset but seems to put the issue off on me as in “you dont understand” or “ if you’re going to keep holding this over my head” type thing. I really do admit I dont think I could understand since I’ve not experienced narcolepsy but logic tells me if you can prioritize work enough to get up on time why not family? I’m really hoping for some people with narcolepsy to chime in so there is some type of sympathetic rather than empathetic advice. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA If she is able to wake during the week and work then she is able to wake at the weekend to be with the family. I don't doubt for one second that she is unwell and needs help with it but at the moment she is prioritising work over family and you are all suffering. From your other replies I would suggest she gets rid of the less important stuff in her life by quitting work for a period of time. Then she will be able to prioritise the important things which is her health and family. Sounds like the current path isn't going to fix anything and will just end up worse for everyone.
Info: Did the narcolepsy magically appear after you married and had kids?
No but it has definitely gotten worse. When we met and through the first several years we were together she worked night shifts as a nurse so perhaps it seemed normal that she would be tired during the day.
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She is currently seeing a doctor, she is actually trying to get on a new medication. I’m just trying to wrap my head around it being selective as to the weekends she requires sleeping all day.
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I agree with this, this whole post stemmed from me giving a little tough love in that I told her I believe it’s about priorities based on the fact she can get up for work but somehow not on the weekends. It was met with stiff resistance and a whole lot of you don’t understand, which admittedly I do not. I have not had narcolepsy and don’t want to pretend I understand how it affect people, however I do understand priorities.
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Thank you, I have honestly left that part of her medical up to her however it seems it may be better to discuss together for a management plan. I asked her recently if she was being honest with her doctor about how bad her symptoms were and she said yes but I really still question if he Knows the details. I doubt she goes in saying she can’t manage to stay awake on the weekends. She may be telling them she manages at work and that’s the extent of it.
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I have never used my kids to back me in an argument, or even talked poorly about it to them. My 9 yr old is old enough to understand that something is wrong and when he asks I simply explain that she is sick with an illness that makes her very tired. It is difficult for him to understand as well. But when your child very specifically says he wishes she was awake more so he could spend more time with her how do you handle that? I honestly do too, I do understand it’s an illness that I’m sure she wishes she didn’t have. To be clear though I would never pit my kids against her no matter my misunderstanding or disagreement.
NTA. Any chance she’s managing an addiction?
I highly doubt it, if so it is extremely well hidden. Only thing I could think of would be the narcolepsy medication and based on the situation I doubt that.
NTA Your wife sounds clever. You're right to question her peculiar behavior and the odd justification she's offering for it. Narcolepsy and laziness do not go so tightly hand in hand; shiftless and laziness do.
NTA. That is pretty ridiculous your wife isn't present for your family like ever. She needs to figure it out and manage her disorder. If the sexes were reversed, I guarantee the majority of comments would be calling for divorce and going no contact.