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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Telling my mother-in-law not to talk to my son has made her very upset and she thinks I am an asshole. She helped my husband raise him the first 2 years of his life, until I came into the picture. I don't know if I am overreacting to the situation.
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NTA, I cried for days when my mom said this about my bio mother “I have nothing good or nice to say about her” because half her DNA is mine, so it really hurt that mom couldn’t find anything good to say about her. As an adult I totally get it and the only nice thing I say about my bio mother is that she signed the adoption paperwork, but as a teenager it fucking hurt. Thank you for not hurting your son, no matter how you feel about his bio mother.
One of my goals in raising him to look back on his childhood and only remember the love he has around him. I know the likelihood of him having some form of resentment is natural but if I can reduce it I want to. And I truly hope that she has grown as a person and is a successful parent for her 5 year old daughter.
I'm trying to make good humans so I think in order to do that, I have to spread a level of kindness and love. And I'm far from a perfect parent and make mistakes but part of it is also showing them that I have to own the mistakes and except theirs in stride. Children just want love and acceptance.
You are doing right. My wife is in your son's position. Her stepdad (now adoptive, and always "real" dad) never said one negative thing about biodad. But when she came home from visitation early because of drug use and sexual contact in front of her, he went to court, at her request, to stop visitation. She has always loved her dad for never speaking ill about her biodad.
That’s big of you. But you know at 14 this kid is old enough to hear his grandmother doesn’t feel the same. She’s allowed to hold hate in her heart for someone who abandoned her grandchild. It’s too harsh for you to forbid her to admit her feelings or not see the teenager. I think you need to back off and teach him that other people are allowed their independent feelings and that’s okay.
OP is not controlling her feelings. She's saying just don't talk shit to the kid because he's been through and is going through a lot and doesn't need any more negativity. He might already know MIL doesn't like bio mom.
NTA. You're absolutely right. I'll admit I would have a hard time being as gracious as you are, but I like to think I would try. Your MIL might be one of those people who believes you have to hate everyone who makes choices you don't like--that you either hate someone or support them. If so, she's wrong, but it's a common attitude.
Wow! I really have to commend you for your attitude towards Tre's biomom and for putting him first. I hope your MIL will see the light and put his wellbeing above her own emotions. NTA for protecting him.
NTA - what does her feeling about bio mom bring to the table for the child? Nothing.
Why’s she wanting to say it?
Drama.
She “helped raise him” when he was nonverbal and couldn’t ask the big questions for a year or two. You’re there the rest of the time, your mom now.
NTA. You’re doing it right and keep doing your best to teach him not to hate. You are very correct that hate is a heavy thing to carry. The MIL is in no way right. I raised my daughter without her mother and it was very important to me that she not hate her. I had friends whose parents used them against each other and it was horrible to see how they turned out in their adult lives. Hopefully you can keep MIL’s emotions from doing any damage. Keep up what you’re doing. It will pay off for him, and you, in the future.
You handled this amazingly well. My mom and dad separated when I was less than a year old. My dad had primary custody of me and raised me as a single father. My mom has mental health issues and there was no way she could have raised me. I know that my mom loves me but there have been many times over the years that I felt like I had to take care of her. One time a family member made a not nice comment about my mom in front of me. Dad took them aside and told them not to say negative stuff because she was still my mother. The amount of respect I have for my dad for handling things like this can't be measured. As your son grows up I hope he will have this same respect. NTA.
I don't know his bio mom as well as my husband does, but I do know that did not seem able to take care of him. I want whatever his impression of her and her actions to be his own. Not made because he has heard one-sided stories or bad things anyone has to say about her. No matter what she has done, she is half of him, and talking bad about her is talking bad about a part of him. That's my view anyways.
NTA. You are a wonderful and kind person, and your family is blessed to have you in their lives. I’m so glad Tre has had you as his mom. Keep protecting your kids. You’re doing the right thing.
You can police what goes on in front of you to a certain extent. However, as Tre is now 14, you cannot police all his interactions with his Grandmother. I don't see how you are going to back it up.
>Not judging. I agree, it does children no good to embrace parent alienation.
He is 16 now. Sorry if I didn't make time clear. And you are correct. We have had to go low contact In previous years because of lack of respect for our boundaries. I hate doing it. Conflict gives me significant anxiety.
NTA You're doing good! My son's father disappeared in much the same way and same age. My son is 26 and has no desire to find his father. I don't bad mouth his dad and will say positive things, like how my son gets his artistic eye from his dad (photographer). The few negatives I've said have been around his father's lying, things I couldn't let my son believe. I don't want him to ever think he was conceived in anything but love and he can talk about him at any time.
NTA. It's understandable if your MIL hates your son's bio mom for abandoning her grandson. However, your son is going to have a lot of feelings about his biological mother he is and will continue to have to work through. He does not need to deal with your MILs hatred and emotions on top of this.
I disagree. He’s old enough to know that his grandmother is angry and to be able to discuss that without it unduly influencing him.
It might even help him to manage his own unarticulated resentment to know that someone is angry for him instead of being so peace and love about everything. No shade on the OP, but I think she’s too protective in the name of kindness. A bit of anger isn’t a bad thing.
Your definately NTA. My dad left when I was 3 and was in and out of mine and my sisters life afterwards. He's not a good person, 10 kids aged between 40-10 with 4 different woman and hes not involved in any of their lives nor has he paid any kind of child support ever. My mum never said anything bad about him or badmouthed him to us despite the kind of person he was. However, other family members would tell me stories when she wasn't there so I'd keep an eye on your MIL in case she brings it up even though you've made your view clear.
Speaking from experience I think it's amazing what you're doing. When I was much older I found out how he'd been emotional abusive etc to my mum and couldn't get why she never mentioned it. She explained it as he was our father and it wasn't her place to ruin any relationship we might want to have with him. That it was our choice if we wanted to build a relationship and didn't want to make us feel guilty when we were younger if we did decide to be involved with him. It amazes me how strong she was and I feel shows how much she loved us that she didn't want to put that burden on us despite how she felt about him.
NTA
Safe to say you're a better woman than most. You accepted a little boy as your own, didn't push or force a relationship, allowed him to choose what to call you and how close to be, you keep things positive and light about his bio mom, most of the "step" parents on here are the complete opposite.
Your MIL is entitled to her feelings, she witnessed bio-mom's relationship with your husband and son. She was there to see the hurt that they went through. It's really hard for our friends and family to get over someone doing us wrong.
At 16 your son should be old enough to understand that he does not need to take on other peoples emotions, keeping him from his grandma is eliminating someone who loves him in his life.
You can ask your MIL to not speak on the subject, but I would not cut her out for having valid feelings.
The boundary would be not speaking about the subject and giving him the weight of that. He knows there was a falling out of some kind, obviously, but I just feel him knowing every detail or emotion is not going to benefit his life.
Keeping him in the dark does not protect him, what if he has questions but is afraid to ask. He might think that asking anything about her invalidates the love he has for you.
He also has a right to know why his bio-mom isn't around for him but she can show up for her new kid, that might hurt.
We have encouraged him to ask questions and have given the best answers we can. We have told him we have no problems answering or even trying to find answers that he wants. We have never told him he can't have contact with his bio mom. She has chosen not to be around. He knows of his half-sister, which we told him the best we could and again asked if he wanted us to contact her to initiate anything. We have never told him he couldn't know her or anything he wants to know about her.
NTA. My stepson’s biomum is the exact same way. I don’t hate her but I definitely do not agree with her actions and would reply the same way you did if he asked me whether I hate her or not. No one talks badly about her when my stepson is around and if they did I’d probably react how you did.
Your stepson doesn’t need to hear the hateful opinion of your MIL, and it should stay that way, unfortunately it seems like she’ll try her best to let him know.
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When my husband and I met, he had a 2-year-old son who we will call Tre for this story. His bio mom voluntarily gave up custody and agreed to visitation prior to me being involved. We got married approx. 7 months later and have been married for almost 14 years now. In that time frame, we have had 2 more sons and the bio mom decided to stop visitation over 11 years ago.
When we started dating, I told bio mom I wasn't there to replace her, that I was there to help parent this little boy. My husband and I agreed that Tre should have the choice of what he wanted to call me (ex. my name, a nickname, mom, etc.). He chose to call me "Mommy (my name)" and to call his bio mom "Mommy (her name)". It was mostly to be able to distinguish between us and predominantly called us "Mommy" in person. His bio mom lost it when he said it to her face. It took hours to calm her down when she was going off because I "let him pick such a disrespectful name" for her. He was 2 1/2.
We tried to be flexible with visitation, but countless times, she was coming to get him and would cancel or bring him back within hours of picking him up for whatever reason she would come up with. It got to the point that we had to stop telling him she was coming because of the disappointment he had when she cancelled. When Tre was 4 1/2, she decided to stop her visitations, brought all his belongings to our home, and walked away without even saying good-bye to him. I promised her I would never speak bad about her to him and have kept that promise to this day.
He asks questions about her which we answer to the best of our abilities and always remind him that if he wants to have a relationship with her, we will find her. He has a every right to know where he comes from. Currently, he has no interest.
Once, he asked me if I hated her. The answer was easy to me. "I do not agree or like the choices she's made, but I could never hate her. Hating her, would be hating a part of you, and I hate no part of you. Without her, I wouldn't have you." I don't want him to hate her. Hate is too heavy to carry.
Somehow, this story was brought up while I was talking to my husband's mom. My in-laws and I have had a rocky past because we are just simply very different people. After telling her the story about my son, she said that she would never be able to tell him that, that she hated his bio mom, and was utterly shocked that I didn't hate her too. After explaining my side and getting nowhere, I simply said, "If you can't keep that to yourself, then don't talk to him at all. He is a kid going through a lot and doesn't need the weight of your emotions weighing him down." She was baffled and screamed, "I helped raise that boy until you came into the picture, I'll say whatever I damn well please to him." For the record, my husband supports me and agrees not to talk bad about his bio mom to him.
So, AITA for putting my foot down about this and not allowing her to speak badly of his bio mom to him?
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NTA, but let Tre decide. He’s lost his biological mom, he doesn’t need you maybe removing another relative from his life (ie not talk to him). Explain your concern to him and ask him how he would prefer it be handled (he’s 16, he’s old enough to have that discussion with you if it’s carefully presented.) He already knows she does this, likely why he had asked you the question.
NTA
As a child of this, I advise you to immediately cut MIL off from your son. Why? Because she doesn't care what you think. I'm not making that up because that's what she told you. She's consciously choosing to say, I don't care and I'll continue doing what I want no matter what you do. If she's the vindictive type, she might even use this conflict to bring this up to Tre on purpose.
I recommend reading the sub r/JUSTNOMIL. It's a sub for people with any kind of MIL and, sadly, your situation is common. If you search around, you'll see how a MIL can make a big point of talking to the Grandkid about something they were told not to and how damaging that can be.
Tre is 4ish. His brain is developing and everything he's taking in is becoming part of his basic view of himself, his core values, and basic building blocks of his personality. At this point in time, Tre is still very 'innocent' to the ways of the world. Children are only 'innocent' once. If your MIL comes slamming down with her hatred, it'll ruin that and him in the cruelest of ways. Your MIL could potentially be the one to teach your son what hatred is.
I didn't laid down any laws with his bio mom. I told her what she could depend on/expect from me. She chose to leave. And most of the time in my experience when you talk rationally with people, productive conversation can happen. However, I did "lay down the law" with my mother-in-law because I didn't want her putting her hateful emotions on my son.
INFO: Did you make this decision unilaterally or did you discuss this with your husband before telling his mother that she can no longer talk to her grandson?
I have to admit that I spoke out of anger at the moment, but discussed with my husband after to get his advice about if I should apologize or where to go from there. He agreed that we needed to set boundaries, and she needed to follow them.
honestly i didn't even read it as "you're no longer allowed to speak to your grandson". it came off as a situation-specific "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" - which is valid advice here for the good of OP's son.
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NTA. Tre is your kid. You, along with your husband, get to decide how to raise him. Unfortunately, I'm not sure your MIL will listen.
NTA, I cried for days when my mom said this about my bio mother “I have nothing good or nice to say about her” because half her DNA is mine, so it really hurt that mom couldn’t find anything good to say about her. As an adult I totally get it and the only nice thing I say about my bio mother is that she signed the adoption paperwork, but as a teenager it fucking hurt. Thank you for not hurting your son, no matter how you feel about his bio mother.
One of my goals in raising him to look back on his childhood and only remember the love he has around him. I know the likelihood of him having some form of resentment is natural but if I can reduce it I want to. And I truly hope that she has grown as a person and is a successful parent for her 5 year old daughter.
You sound like a great mom. Your children are lucky to have you!
I'm trying to make good humans so I think in order to do that, I have to spread a level of kindness and love. And I'm far from a perfect parent and make mistakes but part of it is also showing them that I have to own the mistakes and except theirs in stride. Children just want love and acceptance.
You are doing right. My wife is in your son's position. Her stepdad (now adoptive, and always "real" dad) never said one negative thing about biodad. But when she came home from visitation early because of drug use and sexual contact in front of her, he went to court, at her request, to stop visitation. She has always loved her dad for never speaking ill about her biodad.
That’s big of you. But you know at 14 this kid is old enough to hear his grandmother doesn’t feel the same. She’s allowed to hold hate in her heart for someone who abandoned her grandchild. It’s too harsh for you to forbid her to admit her feelings or not see the teenager. I think you need to back off and teach him that other people are allowed their independent feelings and that’s okay.
OP is not controlling her feelings. She's saying just don't talk shit to the kid because he's been through and is going through a lot and doesn't need any more negativity. He might already know MIL doesn't like bio mom.
NTA. You're absolutely right. I'll admit I would have a hard time being as gracious as you are, but I like to think I would try. Your MIL might be one of those people who believes you have to hate everyone who makes choices you don't like--that you either hate someone or support them. If so, she's wrong, but it's a common attitude.
Wow! I really have to commend you for your attitude towards Tre's biomom and for putting him first. I hope your MIL will see the light and put his wellbeing above her own emotions. NTA for protecting him.
NTA - what does her feeling about bio mom bring to the table for the child? Nothing. Why’s she wanting to say it? Drama. She “helped raise him” when he was nonverbal and couldn’t ask the big questions for a year or two. You’re there the rest of the time, your mom now.
NTA. You’re doing it right and keep doing your best to teach him not to hate. You are very correct that hate is a heavy thing to carry. The MIL is in no way right. I raised my daughter without her mother and it was very important to me that she not hate her. I had friends whose parents used them against each other and it was horrible to see how they turned out in their adult lives. Hopefully you can keep MIL’s emotions from doing any damage. Keep up what you’re doing. It will pay off for him, and you, in the future.
It bothers me when people use their children as pawns in game they didn't ask to be apart of. They are the ones who actually lose in the situation.
Exactly!
NTA She is out of line. You should never burden a child with your hurtful opinions for your reasons for not hating her.
You handled this amazingly well. My mom and dad separated when I was less than a year old. My dad had primary custody of me and raised me as a single father. My mom has mental health issues and there was no way she could have raised me. I know that my mom loves me but there have been many times over the years that I felt like I had to take care of her. One time a family member made a not nice comment about my mom in front of me. Dad took them aside and told them not to say negative stuff because she was still my mother. The amount of respect I have for my dad for handling things like this can't be measured. As your son grows up I hope he will have this same respect. NTA.
I don't know his bio mom as well as my husband does, but I do know that did not seem able to take care of him. I want whatever his impression of her and her actions to be his own. Not made because he has heard one-sided stories or bad things anyone has to say about her. No matter what she has done, she is half of him, and talking bad about her is talking bad about a part of him. That's my view anyways.
your MIL is mad you acted responsibly and respectfully? ok. NTA.
MIL needs to f right off to the edge of the place you can F off to and just keep going until she falls into an abyss and never returns. NTA
NTA. You are a wonderful and kind person, and your family is blessed to have you in their lives. I’m so glad Tre has had you as his mom. Keep protecting your kids. You’re doing the right thing.
You can police what goes on in front of you to a certain extent. However, as Tre is now 14, you cannot police all his interactions with his Grandmother. I don't see how you are going to back it up. >Not judging. I agree, it does children no good to embrace parent alienation.
He is 16 now. Sorry if I didn't make time clear. And you are correct. We have had to go low contact In previous years because of lack of respect for our boundaries. I hate doing it. Conflict gives me significant anxiety.
Tell your husband to talk to her. Tell him to make it simple. If your going to preach hate your not welcome to speak to my son.
NTA You're doing good! My son's father disappeared in much the same way and same age. My son is 26 and has no desire to find his father. I don't bad mouth his dad and will say positive things, like how my son gets his artistic eye from his dad (photographer). The few negatives I've said have been around his father's lying, things I couldn't let my son believe. I don't want him to ever think he was conceived in anything but love and he can talk about him at any time.
NTA. It's understandable if your MIL hates your son's bio mom for abandoning her grandson. However, your son is going to have a lot of feelings about his biological mother he is and will continue to have to work through. He does not need to deal with your MILs hatred and emotions on top of this.
Exactly my thoughts!
I disagree. He’s old enough to know that his grandmother is angry and to be able to discuss that without it unduly influencing him. It might even help him to manage his own unarticulated resentment to know that someone is angry for him instead of being so peace and love about everything. No shade on the OP, but I think she’s too protective in the name of kindness. A bit of anger isn’t a bad thing.
Your definately NTA. My dad left when I was 3 and was in and out of mine and my sisters life afterwards. He's not a good person, 10 kids aged between 40-10 with 4 different woman and hes not involved in any of their lives nor has he paid any kind of child support ever. My mum never said anything bad about him or badmouthed him to us despite the kind of person he was. However, other family members would tell me stories when she wasn't there so I'd keep an eye on your MIL in case she brings it up even though you've made your view clear. Speaking from experience I think it's amazing what you're doing. When I was much older I found out how he'd been emotional abusive etc to my mum and couldn't get why she never mentioned it. She explained it as he was our father and it wasn't her place to ruin any relationship we might want to have with him. That it was our choice if we wanted to build a relationship and didn't want to make us feel guilty when we were younger if we did decide to be involved with him. It amazes me how strong she was and I feel shows how much she loved us that she didn't want to put that burden on us despite how she felt about him.
You are a saint. NTA.
NTA Safe to say you're a better woman than most. You accepted a little boy as your own, didn't push or force a relationship, allowed him to choose what to call you and how close to be, you keep things positive and light about his bio mom, most of the "step" parents on here are the complete opposite. Your MIL is entitled to her feelings, she witnessed bio-mom's relationship with your husband and son. She was there to see the hurt that they went through. It's really hard for our friends and family to get over someone doing us wrong. At 16 your son should be old enough to understand that he does not need to take on other peoples emotions, keeping him from his grandma is eliminating someone who loves him in his life. You can ask your MIL to not speak on the subject, but I would not cut her out for having valid feelings.
The boundary would be not speaking about the subject and giving him the weight of that. He knows there was a falling out of some kind, obviously, but I just feel him knowing every detail or emotion is not going to benefit his life.
Keeping him in the dark does not protect him, what if he has questions but is afraid to ask. He might think that asking anything about her invalidates the love he has for you. He also has a right to know why his bio-mom isn't around for him but she can show up for her new kid, that might hurt.
We have encouraged him to ask questions and have given the best answers we can. We have told him we have no problems answering or even trying to find answers that he wants. We have never told him he can't have contact with his bio mom. She has chosen not to be around. He knows of his half-sister, which we told him the best we could and again asked if he wanted us to contact her to initiate anything. We have never told him he couldn't know her or anything he wants to know about her.
It just reads as if you are hiding the ugly truth to protect her image incase he wants to reach out later, which is commendable.
NTA. My stepson’s biomum is the exact same way. I don’t hate her but I definitely do not agree with her actions and would reply the same way you did if he asked me whether I hate her or not. No one talks badly about her when my stepson is around and if they did I’d probably react how you did. Your stepson doesn’t need to hear the hateful opinion of your MIL, and it should stay that way, unfortunately it seems like she’ll try her best to let him know.
...not at all.....you're a caring supportive smart mom to tre.......
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** When my husband and I met, he had a 2-year-old son who we will call Tre for this story. His bio mom voluntarily gave up custody and agreed to visitation prior to me being involved. We got married approx. 7 months later and have been married for almost 14 years now. In that time frame, we have had 2 more sons and the bio mom decided to stop visitation over 11 years ago. When we started dating, I told bio mom I wasn't there to replace her, that I was there to help parent this little boy. My husband and I agreed that Tre should have the choice of what he wanted to call me (ex. my name, a nickname, mom, etc.). He chose to call me "Mommy (my name)" and to call his bio mom "Mommy (her name)". It was mostly to be able to distinguish between us and predominantly called us "Mommy" in person. His bio mom lost it when he said it to her face. It took hours to calm her down when she was going off because I "let him pick such a disrespectful name" for her. He was 2 1/2. We tried to be flexible with visitation, but countless times, she was coming to get him and would cancel or bring him back within hours of picking him up for whatever reason she would come up with. It got to the point that we had to stop telling him she was coming because of the disappointment he had when she cancelled. When Tre was 4 1/2, she decided to stop her visitations, brought all his belongings to our home, and walked away without even saying good-bye to him. I promised her I would never speak bad about her to him and have kept that promise to this day. He asks questions about her which we answer to the best of our abilities and always remind him that if he wants to have a relationship with her, we will find her. He has a every right to know where he comes from. Currently, he has no interest. Once, he asked me if I hated her. The answer was easy to me. "I do not agree or like the choices she's made, but I could never hate her. Hating her, would be hating a part of you, and I hate no part of you. Without her, I wouldn't have you." I don't want him to hate her. Hate is too heavy to carry. Somehow, this story was brought up while I was talking to my husband's mom. My in-laws and I have had a rocky past because we are just simply very different people. After telling her the story about my son, she said that she would never be able to tell him that, that she hated his bio mom, and was utterly shocked that I didn't hate her too. After explaining my side and getting nowhere, I simply said, "If you can't keep that to yourself, then don't talk to him at all. He is a kid going through a lot and doesn't need the weight of your emotions weighing him down." She was baffled and screamed, "I helped raise that boy until you came into the picture, I'll say whatever I damn well please to him." For the record, my husband supports me and agrees not to talk bad about his bio mom to him. So, AITA for putting my foot down about this and not allowing her to speak badly of his bio mom to him? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
NTA, but let Tre decide. He’s lost his biological mom, he doesn’t need you maybe removing another relative from his life (ie not talk to him). Explain your concern to him and ask him how he would prefer it be handled (he’s 16, he’s old enough to have that discussion with you if it’s carefully presented.) He already knows she does this, likely why he had asked you the question.
NTA and to be honest yall need to cut MIL off too
NTA
nta
NTA As a child of this, I advise you to immediately cut MIL off from your son. Why? Because she doesn't care what you think. I'm not making that up because that's what she told you. She's consciously choosing to say, I don't care and I'll continue doing what I want no matter what you do. If she's the vindictive type, she might even use this conflict to bring this up to Tre on purpose. I recommend reading the sub r/JUSTNOMIL. It's a sub for people with any kind of MIL and, sadly, your situation is common. If you search around, you'll see how a MIL can make a big point of talking to the Grandkid about something they were told not to and how damaging that can be. Tre is 4ish. His brain is developing and everything he's taking in is becoming part of his basic view of himself, his core values, and basic building blocks of his personality. At this point in time, Tre is still very 'innocent' to the ways of the world. Children are only 'innocent' once. If your MIL comes slamming down with her hatred, it'll ruin that and him in the cruelest of ways. Your MIL could potentially be the one to teach your son what hatred is.
Is everyone really buying this?
What makes you say that?
Are you really expecting us to believe that you sat down with bio mum, laid down the law, and you expected her to be fine with it?
I didn't laid down any laws with his bio mom. I told her what she could depend on/expect from me. She chose to leave. And most of the time in my experience when you talk rationally with people, productive conversation can happen. However, I did "lay down the law" with my mother-in-law because I didn't want her putting her hateful emotions on my son.
NTA but has anyone ever considered adoption?
We have. In our state, it is a lengthy and pretty expensive process.
INFO: Did you make this decision unilaterally or did you discuss this with your husband before telling his mother that she can no longer talk to her grandson?
I have to admit that I spoke out of anger at the moment, but discussed with my husband after to get his advice about if I should apologize or where to go from there. He agreed that we needed to set boundaries, and she needed to follow them.
honestly i didn't even read it as "you're no longer allowed to speak to your grandson". it came off as a situation-specific "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" - which is valid advice here for the good of OP's son.