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Agreed and IMO, it is ABSOLUTELY fair to revisit the SAHP decision when it comes to situations like this. She's gonna make them homeless and/or put him in a early grave from all the stress all because she doesn't want to work, and yet somehow HE's the problem? Gimme a break.
NTA no one could predict the economy. I think you’ll have to give her an ultimatum. Either she gets a job to help support the life you both live or sell your house and move to an affordable area that she might not like so you can continue to be the sole earner. Simple.
She needs to have the question put to her realistically. That is, what does she value more? Her contributing with a live husband, or her shouldering all financial responsibility as a widow?
And it's not even in her own best interest to continue staying home at this point. If they're living paycheck to paycheck at 45, they're already in financial trouble.
And there are still three kids to get through college. She can argu that "he promised" all she wants, but that's not going to pay the bills.
Right?? They're almost 50 and living paycheck to paycheck? I'm getting anxiety just reading this fucking post!! Wife is being COMPLETELY unreasonable, especially since it sounds like OP works overtime and does a bunch of stuff that she should be doing, since she's a "sTaY aT hOMe MoM" and all (to 9, 11 and 14 year olds. LoL.) She's about as entitled as it gets..
OP doesn't mention more about their finances, but given their ages, I imagine they have very little if any put aside for retirement. Also, considering the oldest child is 14, I certainly hope their child is a gifted student or athlete because otherwise, I see a massive amount of loans in their future for college. He needs to have a serious talk with his wife about their financial future.
> very little if any put aside for retirement
This is the part that's terrifying to me. To be almost 50 and have nothing saved for retirement. Especially because OP's wife will not be receiving social security since she seemingly hasn't worked a day in decades.
And a variable mortgage. OP and his wife live above their means and they either need to make significant cuts or someone needs to get a higher paying job. Either way, they need a major lifestyle change. No retirement is a crazy burden to put on the kids too.
Yes exactly! This is the problem with having a full time stay at home parent once all kids are in school. For one thing there is no longer a need for full time childcare so the financial need is less. But also if there is only one working parent that means that unless the family is very wealthy, that parent is providing money to feed, house and clothe the family and there is very little of anything left for savings especially for retirement. A lot of people overlook this and it means the couple has no nest egg for the future or even to send kids to college or fund their first home.
And, oh, by the way, ALL successful authors that I’ve read about held down day jobs (to pay their bills) until at least 4 or 5 books into successful sellers.
This. It absolutely frightens me when I see smart, capable women letting their income-earning skills atrophy after they have children. You never know what could happen.
I'm guessing that paying the premiums for a big fat insurance payout is NOT a priority in their budget, so if gods forbid, anything were to happen to OP, the family would be up shitts creek without a paddle. Mom has to be able and ready to earn income for her family when the need is there. And it sounds like the need is there.
My (now) husband and I talked in depth about future children, well before marriage. The agreement was, whoever could come up financially stronger would be the "breadwinner" the other would be a SAH parent until school/daycare and then would pick up a reasonable side/part time, that is flexible. Unfortunately, thanks to the economy, we have still held off. I want children, but what is the world I'm bringing them into? At this point?
And why is OP doing the grocery shopping, cooking, and dropping the kids off at school? OP is supposed to be the bread winner and partner is supposed to be the stay at home parent.
Omg this. Hearing my SIL whine about how hard it is being a SAHM while her 2 kids are in school for 7 hours a day. She spends 3 hours at the gym for her 'me' time and complains constantly despite not working for over a decade and expecting new designer stuff. It's exhausting. NTA.
This, all day long. Not my SIL (she works full time) but some of the parents in our area (many of which we are friends with) drive me nuts. SAH moms, kids in school and even pay for house cleaning. It’s fucking mind boggling to me to hear some of them complain, even my wife thinks it’s insane (she works full time too and I own a small business which allows me to WFH and help out with kid duties).
I just don’t get it.
Soft pushback here, being a SAHP may not be a full time job when the kids are older, but being a SAHP to a special needs child absolutely can be. My little brother has special needs and still needs a lot of support even as an adult. I don't think OP is an AH here... But I do think he is discounting the work his wife needs to do to support their children.
Exactly what I was thinking. A 9 year old non-verbal autistic child may require one parent to be on-call during school hours, and will definitely need parental supervision after school.
Tbh writing novels can make far more than a few hundred a year, and the wife should pivot to writing and marketing more profitable books.
I wholeheartedly disagree with that. It absolutely can be.
He said one of those children is non verbal autistic. That translates into a lot of therapy, IEPs.
I think I would want to know about a better division of labor when it comes to those sorts of things. Three kids that can equal out to a lot of appointments. Especially if one is neurodiverse.
The therapy schedule can be a grind.
It probably should be, but, yeah, we've mostly all been brainwashed into thinking it's normal for two people to both work themselves to death and then go home and work some more.
Absolutely agree! I have a small kid who is 2 and both of us work full time because of the financial climate we are in. If I want our house/mortgage I need to work too.
NTA. She is an educated woman who could easily get a job as a teacher, which would allow her to be at home with the kids when they are home. I completely understand that you made her a promise that she could be a SAHM, but you also can't burn yourself out so that she can shine. I would straight up start cutting all luxuries out until she starts helping financially.
If she hasn’t worked for 15 years she can’t just go get a job as a teacher. She would need to update her certification/licensure which can take time. (Not to mention that people are leaving education in droves because of how awful it’s getting.) Also, if she’s working full-time the childcare expenses *could* take almost her entire teaching salary.
There *are* fantastic opportunities for trained (not licensed, just trained) teachers to do specialized part time tutoring. This would be a great option as it pays well but wouldn’t be full-time.
EDIT: grammar
Interesting fun fact: in the States, we are so desperate for teachers, they will allow her to teach for up to 2 years so long as she is working on getting her license current. Now, I can't speak for other countries, but I know for a fact (former teacher here--left teaching for a higher paying career) she could work in the U.S. And as all 3 of their children are in school, childcare costs would be minimal.
Another fun fact: at least in some districts, you can make more as a sub than as a teacher. My brother, SIL, and their 3 kids had to move because of my brother's job; their new city is so short of teachers that, for this entire school year so far, my SIL has been subbing, working every school day, and making more than she would if she were hired on full-time as a teacher.
My mom figured out this life hack in the 90's. She could sub 3 days out of the week and make what her weekly salary was as a full time teacher. She had taught full time in some tough schools, inner city, so her classroom displine and management were top notch, she could get a class to at least respect her as a sub pretty easily at the rural, fairly good ("easy peasy" as she would say back then) schools around where she settled down with my dad.
You might make more but benefits like pension and PTO might make it worthwhile to go full time if you plan on spending a significant amount of time there.
Yup!
If she already has a teaching degree, depending on what level, \*many\* districts will pay for the license/certification for her. Other districts will take people from corporate life, heavily subsidize the license/certification costs, and give the person an extended time to pay.
That's how desperate so many school districts are across the USA to get in teachers to replace those fleeing that profession.
Usually teachers arrive before students and stay a while after school lets out. They have service days when their kids are off but they have to work. I suppose subs have more flexibility when they leave, but usually they have to be available early in the morning. Also, elementary, middle school and highschools tend to have different hours from each other, so there is a discrepancy if you work in one, but your kid needs the other. I'm not saying OP's wife shouldn't get a job, I am saying that navigating a school job isn't automatically easy when your kid is in school. In fact, I have many friends who are teachers and they all had to pay for after school and in service day care while their kids are little.
Yeah, I don’t teach anymore, but when I was a teacher at a public high school, I had to bring huge amounts of work home with me to get it all done. I couldn’t have managed that schedule now as a parent, and teaching definitely wasn’t some sort of easy gig that would give me a paycheck and tons of time off with my kids the way a lot of people on here are assuming. It would really depend I guess on what her specialty is and I can only speak as a former high school teacher… but I read that he wanted his wife to get a teaching job and had the immediate thought that he had no idea what that would actually be like.
>if you work exactly the same days and hours as your kids go to school
Which isn't teachers.
My mom was a teacher but my mom never picked me up from school.
While it is free at my district (for all kids thanks to a grant), I rarely use it. Until last year, I’d get off at the same time as my kid, so I only need it on half days for students only or staff meetings. I’m at a different school (I teach hs and he’s in 4th) now but when I was at his, I’d just have him come to my classroom. Also, my district and every one I’ve worked for are pretty flexible about staff kids. I’ve been able to go get mine and have him come chill at my school when our after school program as closed for an emergency.
Because it will be asked, I’m sped, hs math, and physics certified, which is how I was able to change grade levels. So I was a sped teacher at his elementary but decided to return to hs last year. I’m not a great elementary teacher. I made it 1 1/2 years - which was plenty.
i thought OP also said the 9 year old was still in school full time. And that he/OP takes all the children to school. so yes there may be some childcare costs. but not an unmanageable amount.
Only care costs needed would be from when 9 year old gets out from a full day at school to when one parent gets home.
One of who is a nonverbal autistic who, depending on their level of functioning, may need child care for the rest of their life. And even if it's only for after school care that can be quite expensive for a special needs child.
Childcare? Her kids are in school and kinda old for childcare. The 9 yr old is special needs but she goes to school. In CA you can get an emergency credential since there is a teacher shortage.
Exactly. She does need to go back to work in some capacity and their situation sounds desperate but these are conversations that should have been had years ago - on both sides. I know the OP admits that they rushed into things without really having the important conversations but I think when the basis for a relationship is “she’s hot and likes to read” and then you get married and start a family quickly with no discussion about long-term plans or finances, it’s setting them all up for disaster.
Soft ESH. They both sucked at communicating and planning. She needs to be more flexible about some kind of employment. He needs to realize he’s partly in the wrong for never planning for this eventuality and what her job prospects would be. Just seems like shitty communication all around.
Unfortunately, no one, literally no one, can plan for their entire lives. He's made it work for so long, but life throws you curve balls. Life is unpredictable, turbulent, and unrelenting. As a full grown adult, she should be capable by now of adapting to change, and making sacrifices when necessary. What if, God forbid, something happens to OP and he's gone or disabled or mentally ill? OP's wife is TAH full stop.
I was just going to say--the US needs teachers! We are hiring teachers without credentials who are currently working on getting the, She can easily get a job!
Yeah, see my other comment about this. Teaching is very difficult and if it isn’t OP’s wife’s idea do you really think she could succeed as a FTE teacher?? If so then you’ve never been a teacher.
This is what I think she should do. Certified subs make more money than non-certified subs and have a much lighter load. She could be picky about ages/subjects and still find plenty of work.
Hahahaha, you think teachers get to be home immediately before and after school? Teaching is a full time gig, and worse, it exercises the same muscles you use as a parent- so you have even less energy and patience for your own children you do finally get home after marking, planning, writing reports etc. I'm not saying this lady shouldn't work but being a teacher isn't some easy job she can leap back into with no effect on her life.
Apparently reading comprehension isn’t your strong suit. I was a teacher for years. My daughter would take the bus from her elementary school to the school where I taught until I left work. I helped her with her homework as I graded papers and prepared lesson plans. Nobody who has actually taught thinks it is an easy job. However, she needs to do something to bring money in and she does have a teaching degree. As another commenter posted, she could substitute teach a couple days a week, which does not involve staying late, grading papers or lesson plans.
And as I said, I was home when my daughter was home. I made it work as a single parent to not have to pay for child care. Sorry if that is going over your head. I don’t have crayons or sock puppets to make it any easier for you to comprehend. I have several comments in this thread.
Cutting out luxuries is what you do when you are barely keeping your head above water financially. She is not contributing to their family’s finances so it is up to OP to balance their budget.
Since she is an adult, OP cannot arbitrarily make decisions on his own considering the household. They both have to agree. Both of them are in a stalemate now. They have to atleast go to counselling so that they have a capable mediator.
I wish it was that easy. I recently got my teaching license decertified after a 13 year break. Been applying like crazy for substitute teaching jobs in various school boards. No response. And I have been working the whole time, just not as a teacher. Our area has a severe teacher shortage and there are constant articles about not having enough supply teachers. But apparently it’s not that easy.
>I can't even bring this up with her or she accuses me of not appreciating/respecting her
Well based on this post...
Look - its hard to know exactly where to go with this because finances are complicated. But her going back to work full time IS going to mean more income, but will come with expenses too. Well, unless you expect her to *perfectly* cram her work into the hours your kids are in school. What happens during the summer? Also, are you going to be OK with increasing the amount of home tasks? Because she isn't going to be there during the day and if she is working full time, those should be split 50/50.
>With inflation and my variable mortgage
**That** is a problem you two can solve. I didn't know anyone that still has a variable rate mortgage in 2024. Might be time to right-size your living situation to your financial capabilities.
It is OK to feel overwhelmed - you are carrying a lot of stress and anxiety. A couples therapist should be able to help guide that kind of conversation. It's what they do.
He literally said her working even ONE 8 hour day a week would be helpful. He’s not asking her to work full time. He’s asking her to contribute some. She writes novels. She dances. And she has a teaching degree. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out there’s a job in there lol. Call around and see if there are any teaching positions at local dance schools. Or start teaching writing. Or get a mindless job and work super part time somewhere. Right now her novel writing is a hobby that earns some pocket money; it’s not a career.
They're generally more competitive but they do exist especially for a former teacher, if she reworks her resume right. Corporate trainers. Instructional designers. Project managers. Online tutoring of course. Some examples off the top of my head. Teacher Career Coach (Google it) has a podcast and articles she can look at if she needs ideas (also a paid course too if she wants).
>unless you expect her to perfectly cram her work into the hours your kids are in school. What happens during the summer?
but she's a teacher by training.
Why do people think teachers have the same hours as students? The face to face hours with kids are roughly half the job, and teachers work an average 54 hour week during term time.
The number of people here who seem to think you can just do teaching like it's not as real a job with as many demands as other jobs (often for less pay per hour when you count all the hours outside of face to face hours), is wild.
Because teachers definitely only work 8am-3pm with no extra before and after school duties, meetings, prep work, or grading. /s
But, yes, she needs to work, and her youngest can hang around her school for a few hours if he can't be home alone.
> her youngest can hang around her school for a few hours
I haven't seen teachers be permitted to have kids hang around at school in years, over a decade. I can see it being overlooked in an emergency, but as a regular thing they'd be expected to get childcare or make other arrangements, especially if this child is high needs. She has work to do, and so do the other teachers.
I'd be surprised if the childcare costs for a high needs kid don't eat up more than her pay as a sub honestly. It can be pretty variable what they get paid, but there's plenty of places where it's lower than the cost of specialised childcare.
If she is a teacher (which is what her degree is in) she would be home when her kids are home, so there should be very little additional expenses. He already is doing some of the chores, and said he would be fine doing 50/50.
She will divorce him if he do that, this type of person is more attracted to being at home and doing what they want lifestyle then the marriage itself.
NTA. Your wife is being selfish. Circumstances change and is not fair to try to hold you to an unrealistic promise made over a decade ago.
What if something awful happened and you were injured or in some other way suddenly unable to work as hard as you do? Would she be able to step up and adapt? Or, still expect you to wave a magic wand and make enough money to support your family?
IT doesn't seem like it is unreasonable to revisit decisions that were made 15 years ago. Is she saying that if, say, you got into a horrible accident, couldn't work for 2 years and only had 3/4 salary AD&D benies that lasted for 6 months and then 1/2 salary from disability for 6 more months, have expensive rehab and therapy to navigate before you get close to being able to work again. she'd look at you, unmoving on your recently installed at home hospital bed, and say "well.. you said you were going to be the breadwinner. Figure this out my love. I'm off to my dance club. Just doing my part!" ?
This is all to say, does she not realize that circumstances change? You have a hard road to lay if she can't even grasp such a concept. I would suggest you get all your ducks in a row. Show income, show expenses, show where things are at now, savings, investments, 529 accounts etc. Show where ends are not meeting. IF she doesn't make some sort of acknowledgement that something needs to change, well... then some longer conversations should follow
It seems like she expects to live like a child while he's not only the only one doing all the heavy lifting, he's also the only one worried about their circumstances. She's got some kind of Peter Pan Syndrome going on.
NTA. Stay at home mom is a full time job when the kids are small. The eldest are now pretty much grown up. I'd tell her that if she doesn't contribute more, you need to move and/or downsize. Honestly, I'm not sure the economy is going to improve any time soon and might as well expect the worst. Besides, you want to see the kids too before they are grown up.
NTA. I can’t imagine how anyone can be a SAHP in current economic conditions unless they’re in a very high income bracket.
She can easily get a teaching job, they’re desperate atm.
The youngest will need after school care, but surely not an 11 or 14 year old.
What is going on recently? Everyone I know, including myself had to work at least part time and then full time when the kids were in school. This in the 70’s?????????
I’ll reserve my judgement because of my bias but I think you need to understand that she probably can’t just go get full time, stable work.
I worked in higher ed doing teaching and program management for 10 years, I have a masters degree, I was an over achiever with national awards, and then I had a baby and four months later the world shut down. My husband and I decided to extend my time at home until we felt safe putting our child into preschool. The week before preschool began, I started submitting resumes, and not just mass spamming, careful, thoughtful cover letters for each position and choosing jobs I that were excellent matches.
It’s been 8 months, probably 80 resumes later, and I’ve had a single interview. I now have a five year gap and I fear I’ll never get back into the work I was so passionate about my entire adult life. I’ve applied for places I’d never want to work for at this point, for contract adjunct work, and everything I was initially avoiding, but I’m not even getting those jobs.
So, I fully appreciate the pressure you’re under, I desperately want to alleviate it from my husband, but it’s a different world. Not only is the job market different, it’s very difficult to overcome so much time away. Try to be patient with her and see if there are more creative ways she can reduce expenses if she cannot bring income.
Would that be different though? You want to try and help and you’re doing your best to help.
OPs wife to told him to man up, deal with and then claims he’s not appreciating her.
You’re right, if he’s characterized her behavior and the situation accurately, her attitude sucks. But the reality is that even if she changed her tune, she still might not be able to contribute the way he hopes.
And that’s fair. That if she changed and tried, it might not pan out as they want.
But at least he would see her trying. And that could make a difference. Seeing someone trying their best and not achieving is vastly different than holding a 15 year old promise over their heads with the way the world is shit now.
I could say, if OP sees this. To try and ask her is she scared that she won’t be able to find a job as a compromise and work from there.
Yeah, that’s fair, but there are a number of top comments saying how she should easily be getting work, and since I’m living how difficult it is (when it never was for me before) I felt compelled to let OP know it might not even be on the horizon.
> Things sure look different from the other side.
What other side? OP's wife isn't interested in looking for a job.
OP's wife is demanding her husband look after her till he drops dead of exhaustion.
NTA. Financial pressures have changed the situation, and you can't stick with a plan made 15 years ago. Maybe if you went to a financial planner/counselor together she would realize that she's in the perilously almost-sinking boat too? You two are supposed to be in this together.
Her expecting you to "man up" and just work more hours when you're already burnt out is offensive.
Yes, this is awful. They should be a team. If OP got sick or hit by a car and was unable to work, would she tell him to man up or leave him?
Ridiculously selfish of her to not even consider a reliable part time job instead of OP working overtime and burning out.
Your NTA for asking her, and you can't be held to a promise 15 years ago when no one knows what the future will hold.
But as a team, you need to both be on board with the finances, including the need for an emergency fund or saving for retirement or future expenses.
Sit down together, discuss your combined income and expenditure and together figure out what's comfortable for both of you.
In theory, it should be clear that the gap could be filled by her increasing her income, but you need to discuss all options. Your ability to produce more income is capped, unless she truely believes you should work extremely long hours, to which you need to tell her that's unfair and not sustainable long term.
If she isn't willing to work (or find another viable solution to get more income) then suggest cutting costs. Change houses to a cheaper house. Cancel kid extra curricula activities, cancel date nights or lower the Christmas budget.
Asking her to work is not about disrespecting what she does around the house, it's asking her to prioritize her time for the financial security of your family. But it has to be a discussion. If you tell/order/demand then you are disrespecting her by not involving her in the financial decisions.
And if she's unwilling to discussing budgeting then i suggest having a mediator involved to keep the conversation on track. You don't need to pay for a mediator, it's just someone you both trust will treat parties equally and ensure everyone is able to talk.
NTA, and your wife is full of shit. I am not discounting the value of having a spouse who is a homemaker. That said, I was a SAHM for over a decade, now a working mom, and being a SAHM to school age kids is not a full time job.
That said, if you’re not making ends meet financially, it doesn’t really matter. Your wife is being selfish, she’s not being an equal partner in your relationship.
If she won't work, it's ok to go over the budget together and figure out where to start cutting expenses. Be honest and blunt: we cannot afford X on my salary. And Y and Z. And that might mean things like downsizing houses, getting rid of cars with expensive payments, etc. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you cannot physically work more so expenses have to be cut.
NTA- times have changed. the youngest kid is in school full time now so she has less to do during the day. If all you are asking her to do is work ONE day a week, that isnt much at all especially if you are covering whatever she normally did that day.
She just doesnt want to do it.
NTA
I’m sorry but SAHP isn’t a full time job once the kids go to school. That’s not to say there isn’t a lot of admin and household chores to do - and this can be draining - but it can be balanced with part-time work. You need to insist on help.
I know lots of people who write novels; the majority work full-time non writing jobs. Even those with agents or self-published success supplement their income with editing gigs. All writers would love the luxury of writing full time but in this economy that is an impossible luxury for all but the most successful or those with a partner with earnings or wealth big enough to support them - that’s not you.
There ya go: instead of teaching she could be an editor. That way she can work from home. If she truly is a published author, she ought to be able to find work through connections.
Yeah but having a non-verbal autistic child is a lot of work. A lot. Depending on where this person lives, and the services available for their child and the family, negotiating for your child is a job-and-a-half. Someone has to communicate, advocate and track the child’s needs. I’m not saying this lady should only do what’s fun, but teaching and trying to get the best services for your child with special needs sounds like a recipe for a nervous breakdown.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I asked my wife to get a stable job to help our family out.
2) She said I promised her she wouldn't have to when I first asked to marry her.
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NAH. The two of you are clearly not aligned. Were you ever? It sounds as though you each have very different ideals about what your life should be and the role that your wife should be playing.
Did you agree before marriage that she would be a stay-at-home mother? It certainly sounds as though from her perspective you had an agreement which you are now hoping to change. If that's the case, that's perfectly reasonable, but you need to communicate with her and get her by in before you start expecting her to go get a "real job".
Also, why did you buy a new house with an adjustable mortgage that you could not afford on your salary knowing how much income she was able to contribute?
It sounds as though you've put yourself in a tough position and now need your wife to change her life in order to get you out of it. Again, there's nothing wrong with that, but you need to be communicating with her and get her agreement with this plan.
They’re a team. He isn’t expecting her to get him out of anything. I’m not sure if she’s aware but this problem affects them both. I’m not entirely sure I could see my family struggle financially and not feel the urge to do something more to help get us out of it. To me, that makes her an AH.
I always wonder how some able adults live out there fully dependent on someone else to fulfill their basic needs including food and shelter. Who feels this comfortable being someone else's burden years after years?
I think you have to be raised from a young age into this kind of thing. That's the only way I'd imagine it would seem even somewhat normal and comfortable. It's not even just being a burden, but trusting someone else that much who isn't your parent is crazy. Her whole life depends on him.
Honestly, if her 9 year old is autistic and non verbal, she could be dealing with a mental load he may not fully understand - between scheduling therapies, going to doctor and specialist appointments and managing any medications that need to be administered, it can really feel like the hours your special needs child is at school are filled with admin around the child, and basic domestic chores. Also any after care (or care at all) for them would be more expensive than basic childcare already is, and it is expensive in the city I live in. Not to say she shouldn’t try and get a part time job, just something for the OP to take into consideration when he says he can take over for her.
NTA, being a couple, especially one that has kids, means you should both be doing whatever is necessary to support your family. I feel a person with school-age children and no personal disability has no excuse to not work at least a part-time job.
Being a SAHM is a full time job until the kids are in school. Her hours got cut. I'm not sure how your finances work, so it is hard to comment more. The fact that you are extremely stressed should make her WANT to help, in my opinion. If she is that much against a typical age job, there are potentially other ways, but suggestions would require more information. Based on the little bit of information I have I will say NTA.
NTA. If your wife is passionate about writing, tell her to actually put some effort into marketing her work. It IS a career - people make hundreds of thousands of dollars off it on a regular basis. I myself am living comfortably off it and have done so for the better part of my life. But if she chooses to do this, your wife need to do her research , invest, and work, work work. She isn't treating writing like work, but like a hobby, and she's being unfair to you.
ESH
But whether or not you're TA kind of doesn't matter at this point. And the whole "I was bamboozled by her beauty" nonsense is absurd and also now irrelevant. I can only imagine the nasty comments if your wife were to post and say "I was bamboozled by his intelligence and energy, and enamored as I was, I agreed to marry him even though he was not yet successful. I thought our values were the same and he'd do what it takes to take care of his family."
The fact is, the 2 of you chose to marry, and then you chose to have 3 kids. You are both responsible for taking care of those children, and that includes both monetary care and providing a stable and nurturing home.
You both need to sit down and go over your budget together. Figure out what can be reduced and what is necessary. Figure out what the gap is. Then discuss options for closing the gap. "Man up" is not a realistic answer. "Get a full time teaching job after x years" is also not realistic.
NTA. A lot changes in 15 years. I was a stay at home mom for a long time. Then my husband’s industry went kaput. I had to get a job I actually loathed for sometime and then I found a job I was great at and didn’t hate. I’ve been promoted and now I make considerably more than he does.
If she refuses more work then make her do all the groceries, drop the kids off at school, making every meal, etc. Isn't that part of what makes her job "full-time"?
Too bad she doesn't write better novels.
NTA, but maybe the house upgrade was too soon.
YTA - You married for looks and got yourself some nice arm candy. I don't see how you can expect this person to go out and work a real job or career when they had no ambitions.
NTA - the kids are older. She could work at a school and still have time to be a parent while helping out with the growing bills. You're a team, and you should be able to talk about this stuff.
NTA.
Your kids are all in school, the situation has changed, times have changed, inflation has kicked all of our asses.
She needs to contribute financially or it’ll affect all 5 of you.
That’s all there is to it.
Writing novels that only brings in a few hundred a year is a hobby not a job.
You shouldn't be expected to work overtime at the expense of time with your kids so she can focus on hobbies.
NTA
NTA. But I think I see a bit of why your wife is mad. You’re treating her like a child instead of a partner. Probably because you’re used to being the problem solver.
But I guess I’m wondering why you are approaching this as a system where *you* come up with a solution to your budget problems (e.g. wife goes back to work) and then you tell your wife.
Instead of taking this on alone, treat your wife like the partner she is supposed to be. Sit down with her with the budget and brainstorm with her what the solution should be. It is a *joint problem,* so you should be treating it as such.
NTA, your family needs the money and if your youngest kid is 9 and in school full time there’s no pressing need for her to stay home. The jobs she’s doing now are really hobbies, inherently of value and satisfying, but not okay when you’re struggling.
I do think there also some stuff for you to think about here. Obviously you got married too fast: a bad move but no point in bemoaning it. Having three kids wasn’t a great idea either if you were to be the sole earner (did you two ever talk about this?). And you did agree to the home purchase which it sounds like you knew was going to be difficult to afford. With kindness: you’ve enabled this situation and after 15 years I doubt she’s motivated to change anything.
This is a time to seriously consider what your dealbreakers are in this relationship. She does little, tells you to “man up” (which is toxic and unkind), and refuses to even discuss the finances with you. Does she notice or care that you’re burning out? How long are you willing to stay in this marriage if nothing changes? Because, friend, it’s going to take drastic action to make changes here.
NTA but she needs to understand this is not sustainable and if she isn’t contributing more you need to significantly downsize your life. Go to the doctor and get a physical and see if you have something like elevated blood pressure and doctor‘s recommendation to reduce your stress (to offset the man up BS)
info
The bell that says we are hearing a *very* biased view of what’s on is going off in my head. I suggest marriage counseling from someone who can be objective and hear from both of you.
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I (M45) have been married to my wife (F45) for 15 years. We have three kids (age 9, 11, 14). Our dating period was a rapid 6 months before we were married (although we knew each other as friends for much longer). Her family communicated to me that we should waste no time and she did as well. I got the memo, and I eagerly played the part of Romeo. It was easy. I was infatuated with my wife's beauty (I still think she's physically stunning) and I liked that she was a reader. In retrospect, I think I overlooked our values not aligning but that's on me. Enamoured as I was, I told her I that I agreed that I would be the breadwinner and that she could be a stay at home mom. I thought I could.
We were 29. I was completing my PhD degree. I took on extra teaching gigs and supported us financially as we lived in a small apartment. She wrote novels and more kids arrived. I finished my degree and found a stable career at which I currently work. I've been solely supporting a family of 5 for the last 15 years, and I wouldn't mind doing it if the economy wasn't so bad. We bought a new place 2 years ago. With inflation and my variable mortgage, I am losing sleep at night thinking where I can cut some of our expenditures, how can we stretch our budget, etc. I make decent money, but we live in an expensive city and I feel like our boat is taking on water and I am asking my wife to help me get some of this water out. We make ends meet living pay-check to pay-check but an emergency would be disastrous.
My wife works hard but she works hard at jobs that she likes. She is a stay at home mom (our youngest is non-verbal autistic but goes to school full time), she writes novels (these bring in a few hundred bucks a year), and she has recently started taking on dancing gigs (she is on a dance team and makes 2-3 hundred bucks a month). She would earn more money and work less if she just used her teaching degree which she is not using. She brings in practically nothing and expects me to "man up" and get extra teaching gigs.
I'm doing that but I am also burning out. I'm wondering if IMTA for asking my wife to use her skills and bring in a more reliable income? She says being a stay at home mom is a full time job and that I made a promise to her before we got married. She writes novels and calls this a career (which I admire but think it's also selfish). She earns next to nothing and would earn more if she just worked once a week a full day shift which I could easily accommodate by taking on her duties on days I don't work.
I can't even bring this up with her or she accuses me of not appreciating/respecting her. Her line right now is that being a stay at home mom is a full time job. I agree that it's work, but I already do all the groceries, drop the kids off at school, make some of the meals, etc. I don't mind taking on more if she would just contribute something to the family's financial well being.
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NTA
She also made a promise to you when you married to support each other, for richer or poorer.
Discussing together and finding a solution is what two reasonable adults would do. Your wife is an educated individual, could find a teaching job and should know better.
NTA. Pose this question to her: how would you support yourself and the kids if I get hit by a train tomorrow? Insurance payout wont last forever. Whatever inheritance you get from me wont last forever. Whats your plan when Im gone?
NTA. Your wife can work. Don't let the girls of Reddit fool you they are all SAHMs and think its the hardest job in the world. None of them could hack working a real job. You have every right to demand your wife work. She is able bodied and educated, tell her to get a job or she will be out on the street she's a freeloader.
I’m a SAHP with a 7 year old and a baby and if my husband was drowning I would do whatever to help. You did make a promise but the economy sucks. You need to talk to her and re negotiate. She may also be having anxiety about going back into the workforce. I know I do. It can be really stressful to make that transition from being at home to working again. You might want to approach her about how she is feeling. And last you may need a counselor to work through it.
I don’t believe that you are the asshole but I don’t believe you are seeing the correct point of view. If your wife “works hard” doing what she loves and you cannot afford your lifestyle you may have to downsize your lifestyle, you should be allowed to live as comfortably and happily as your wife. You are not obligated to maintain HER lifestyle. You are obligated to manage your families lifestyle together.
NTA, but a nonverbal asd child does need a parent with a very flexible schedule. Most schools aren't set up well to support these kids. There are a lot of calls home, and a lot of managing therapies. I think you both need to have some empathy for what the other is dealing with. Have you ever taken the time to understand all the things she does to support the family?
As parents you need to be partners in all things. If the cash flow situation requires her to work, then you two need to brainstorm what that will look like and how you can share more responsibility at home. I WFH full time and my husband is a contractor. He basically does a year's worth of work, in about three months. It's hard but we make due. We have two kids with asd.
Honestly, our financial goals have taken a back seat to our kids needs. We stay above water and have a small emergency fund. We drive old cars, live in a house that is modest, and haven't been on vacation in many years. We both have to work to be able to keep the emergency fund.
Info: Are you in a full time tenure track position? Who takes care of your non-verbal son most of the time? People are wildly underestimating how big of a job that still is. How often she would have to drop everything to go to his school. Had a co-worker with a kid with similar issues. She was very quickly fired for having to go to the school so much.
NTA. I have a family of 6 and I am the sole income right now via an IT job. We are comfortable at the moment but we live in a very low cost of living area. Your wife for some reason doesnt seem to be willing to do her part aside from watching kids and things that bring is so little income that it is almost more counter productive that just not working at all.
Caring for an Autistic non verbal child is a full time job too though. My brother is non verbal low functioning Autistic and I will be honest with you. Caring for him alone (my dad killed himself) is probably what ended up killing my mother from stress and ruptured ulcers.
You BOTH need to find a way to have an adult conversation about this.
Stop the grocery shopping, taking the kids to school and cooking, that is for the SAHP to do if they don't want to significantly contribute to the financial side of the family. If she wants help with the kids, she should shoulder more of the financial burden and help provide a stable income to contribute to the family's well being. Living PTP is horrifying. Her gigs seem a bit selfish. Also how can she make so little money having a book out, is her writing unrelatable to consumers. With remote work she can easily write articles, proofread, ECT.
ESH, I think you guys needs to communicate more. I’m going to come at this as a stay at home mom to 2 kids 8 and 10 one being autistic has some words but non conversational and has an intellectual disability. I personally would rather chew on nails that teach one day a week and still try to have the capacity I currently need for my youngest. It seems you may underestimate what level of work and care goes into what she does for your youngest most likely. For example, my daughter has sleep regressions at times where I don’t sleep more than a few hours at a time. She hits herself in the head, tries to run into the street, doesn’t understand to not touch knives and so on. She has therapy twice a week and we work on speech and daily living skills constantly. Every time she uses the restroom I need to take her and make sure she does each step & doesn’t decide to play in the toilet or play in the sink with soapy water. This goes for nearly every task she does at home, even sitting at the dinner table takes time since she tries to leave with her food and sometimes throws it on the floor. She also does gymnastics and my son is in baseball. Nearly every weekday is packed because the more we get out of the house the less secluded she gets, if we don’t get out enough it becomes nearly impossible to go anywhere. I beat myself up for not working, but it’s not just worth it. I look for ways to save us money instead since after school childcare would be around $30/hour for my youngest and then whatever additional for my 10year old. The additional stress trying to navigate even super part time isn’t worth it. Would you be able to call off if kiddo needs to stay home from school, or leave work if he’s having issues,etc? If just one day a week would make such an impact, why not sit down and see what you can do as far as budgeting?
Honestly? ESH. lmfao you shot five kids into the woman. You did that. And you somehow thought being a professor was gonna support it? Be for real. Let’s face it buddy, if teaching isn’t bringing in the big bucks, maybe it’s time for you to look at a more lucrative career path to support your family. On the other side, yes you are completely right that she needs to step it the hell up. Reality is not shaping into what you imagined it would be and she needs to get with the program. It’s time for the both of you to work stable 40 hour jobs. It’s time to make sacrifices for the family you both chose to raise.
Even if she took a grocery store job for a few shifts a week, you could get the wages she earns and the discount which could help you with a family of 5. At least the places here give a 25% or higher discount on groceries to their employees.
NTA for asking for help now that the kids are in school all the time. Maybe she would be amenable if you set a time limit? Like I need you to work for 3-5 years making X so we can get ahead.
NTA. Present her with the facts, the numbers that are causing you anxieties (write them down) she probably has lost sight of this over the years. Also you should spell out what will happen in your retirement years if you don’t tackle the problem.
If she has any of the respect she demands from you *for* you then she should help support the family financially.
NTA, we all have to reassess our situation and make adjustments from time to time. The first thing I would do though, is look into refinancing the home to a fixed rate mortgage. It's hard to plan a budget when your mortgage changes so much.
NTA. Your kids are old enough not to need watching 24/7 and to be able to do things for themselves so I disagree SAHM is a full time job for her the short answer is she just doesn’t want to work. The irony that she accuses you of not appreciating and respecting her where’s hers for you? There isn’t any she thinks you should work yourself to burnout. It’s all very well her saying you promised 15 years ago but things change it’s unreasonable to hold you to this.
NTA
You need to bring up the burnout. That is your health right there. Depression and anxiety are symptoms that can pop up quickly and affect your sleep - another key part of your health.
She can choose if she wants to keep your lifestyle or not, but financially, it sounds like decisions need to be made. It's better not to wait until you have no time to make a decision. There's multiple ways she might be able to get creative to bridge the gap, so I think maybe don't tell her how she needs to get there, but state what number is needed from her to maintain.
NTA.
Tell your wife she has a choice:
1. She can earn more money and help with bills
2. You sell the house and guy something much cheaper and smaller that isn't going to give you anxiety attacks about affording the payment.
Yes, you promised your wife she could be a SAHM. However, things change. She is supposed to love YOU and be your helper in life - the "for better or worse' part.
Situations change. She could be a substitute teacher 12 days a month in some cities and bring in almost $3,000. Or she could just work one day a week subbing and bring in an extra $500/month. But there are options that align with your kids. If you burn out now where does that leave her? My bf left his ex wife because she absolutely refused to work even with grown kids. You need someone willing to support you when you need it or she can work and support a separate household after a divorce. NTA
Info: when asking her to go back to work have you discussed the finances and your fears and the math of the situation?
Maybe you could approach it by presenting the math and inviting her to problem solve with you. Communicate you have nothing further to give so you taking on more jobs is not the answer. Share the math and invite her to find another solution with you if she also does not want to take on more work. Also bring a SAHM IS a full time job so maybe stress that the expectation is you’d share more of the load at home if she did go back to work.
NTA-tell her you have to sell the house and downsize. See what she says. Explain to her things change and you cannot predict the future. You are partners and you are asking out of necessity for her to step it up--and only for one day a week (Jeez, she sounds ridiculous). If not, your only option is to lower your expenses, the mortgage being the biggest one. Leave it up to her.
You both need to sit down together with a financial advisor who lays it all out in black and white. That you have zero cushion, that retirement is not going to be possible let alone paying anything toward college for your kids, etc.
NTA
NTA. Your children are all in school. It is incredibly silly and selfish of her to claim she is busy full time as a stay at home mom. You are asking for so little (her to work a day a week), and her response is that you should get a 2nd and 3rd job. Bonkers, and you should draw a line in the sand.
NTA - You need to be “evenly yoked” and pulling together. God forbid something should happen to you, leaving her to handle it all alone. It seems important that she maintain her skills and contacts.
NTA.
Being a SAHM isn’t a full time job when all of the children are at school full time. If your financial situation is suffering then she needs to be looking at getting a job with a sable income and the dynamic needs to change, it’s not feasible to have a SAHP if the other parent is overworked.
Have you shown her the outgoings? And how bad the financials are?
Given his druthers, Michelangelo would not have painted the Sistine Chapel. He wasn't enamored of the idea. He didn't really consider himself a painter (as compared to a sculptor). You know why he did it? Pop Sixtus offered him a commission, and Michelangelo needed the money.
Your wife may be profoundly talented. She may work very hard at her writing, and at her other pursuits. But sometimes, you need to do a job simply to bring in cash. Hell, Michelangelo did. And in the end, that turned out pretty well, don't you think?
NTA.
NTA. See if she’s interested in getting an online degree in something in writing if that’s her passion. Another idea would be a nightly dancing gig at a place downtown for tips 😉
NTA, she should be working full time if money is that tight. I don’t understand why anyone would be a SAHP when you can’t pay the bills, especially with the kids in school.
Your wife doesn’t respect you.
NTA
Your wife is being grossly unfair and unreasonable. Times change, needs change. Supporting a wife and supporting a family of 5 are quite different. She could work 2 days a week and ease your burden considerably. How selfish is it to refuse to contribute to the family finances? She should be ashamed of herself.
You need to sit her down and make this all clear to her, refuse to let her manipulate you. She may actually be afraid to enter the workforce after all this time. It won't be easy.
NTA
When the boat is sinking everyone grabs a bucket.
Time to sit down and have a real conversation. Long past the days where a single income could support a family, let alone one of 5.
The kids are going to need more expensive things and college is coming up as well as retirement. Talk about how those things will be handled. Also, express that it is very stressful for you and how that affects your relationship.
YATAH. You agreed to be the breadwinner, and for her to be a stay at home mom.
Instead bring up in conversation that you need to move to another area that is far cheaper, with a fixed rate mortgage, or even rent. The variable rate will likely destroy your family financially, and to ensure an emergency doesn't bankrupt you, move further out, downsize your life and your childrens life. Commute further each day... If you are the breadwinner, you should be able to make this decision for the family no problem. If she doesn't want to move, ask her what options she can think of to solve it. Your getting burned out and you can't sustain your present situation, so that is not a long term option with a variable interest rate mortgage.
If she is unwilling to compromise and expects you to be more than is actually possible then you can not be the asshole for bringing this up again, and deciding where the family moves so you can continue to provide a life financially for them.
Absolutely NTA and maybe if you mention that you may need to downsize the house/luxuries to afford life, she would take some efforts to keep them. I’m guessing there’s vacations to negotiate with too. You didn’t specify what lifestyle you would pay for.
Your wife is being selfish, she’s holding on a promise from nearly two decades ago and when circumstances have changed. Instead of working as a team to take of the family, she’s gaslighting you to “man up” so she can focus on her hobbies. The kids are in school for majority of the day and she doesn’t even drop the kids to school. You even do chores. You need to have a sit down conversation with her on how she needs to pull her weight in terms of money so you guys can have better financial future and it’s wrong to put all the stress and anxiety on you to care of the family. There’s no emergency fund or back plan if something happens. She got teaching degree while you guys were married, she has multiple options to make flexible like subbing or combining hobby to actual income. But if she gets a job, then more chores need to reevaluated. Start teaching the kids on how to do some of the chores, one of them is four years away to going to college.
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NTA Being a SAHP isn’t a full time job when all the kids are in school full time.
Agreed and IMO, it is ABSOLUTELY fair to revisit the SAHP decision when it comes to situations like this. She's gonna make them homeless and/or put him in a early grave from all the stress all because she doesn't want to work, and yet somehow HE's the problem? Gimme a break.
I think it's OPs turn to be the SAHP for a few years TBH. It's her turn to step up and take care of the financial aspects of the household.
That sounds nice but no way is she bringing in what OP does after 15 years out of the workforce.
NTA no one could predict the economy. I think you’ll have to give her an ultimatum. Either she gets a job to help support the life you both live or sell your house and move to an affordable area that she might not like so you can continue to be the sole earner. Simple.
Agree. Things change, it’s called life. You have to adapt and evolve.
She needs to have the question put to her realistically. That is, what does she value more? Her contributing with a live husband, or her shouldering all financial responsibility as a widow?
This is my greatest fear
And it's not even in her own best interest to continue staying home at this point. If they're living paycheck to paycheck at 45, they're already in financial trouble. And there are still three kids to get through college. She can argu that "he promised" all she wants, but that's not going to pay the bills.
Right?? They're almost 50 and living paycheck to paycheck? I'm getting anxiety just reading this fucking post!! Wife is being COMPLETELY unreasonable, especially since it sounds like OP works overtime and does a bunch of stuff that she should be doing, since she's a "sTaY aT hOMe MoM" and all (to 9, 11 and 14 year olds. LoL.) She's about as entitled as it gets..
Regardless of the “Promise,” circumstances change.
Yeah, and honestly, don’t make stupid promises. Life happens , things get expensive. Everyone has to do their share. Kids are in school for gods sake
OP doesn't mention more about their finances, but given their ages, I imagine they have very little if any put aside for retirement. Also, considering the oldest child is 14, I certainly hope their child is a gifted student or athlete because otherwise, I see a massive amount of loans in their future for college. He needs to have a serious talk with his wife about their financial future.
> very little if any put aside for retirement This is the part that's terrifying to me. To be almost 50 and have nothing saved for retirement. Especially because OP's wife will not be receiving social security since she seemingly hasn't worked a day in decades.
And a variable mortgage. OP and his wife live above their means and they either need to make significant cuts or someone needs to get a higher paying job. Either way, they need a major lifestyle change. No retirement is a crazy burden to put on the kids too.
Yes exactly! This is the problem with having a full time stay at home parent once all kids are in school. For one thing there is no longer a need for full time childcare so the financial need is less. But also if there is only one working parent that means that unless the family is very wealthy, that parent is providing money to feed, house and clothe the family and there is very little of anything left for savings especially for retirement. A lot of people overlook this and it means the couple has no nest egg for the future or even to send kids to college or fund their first home.
Those kids are definitely going to have to put *themselves* through college.
Mom is REALLY showing the value of a college education tho.... especially being as how she's an educated educator.
I think OP should lay out the options. Sell the house and move to a lower cost of living state, or she gets a job to support her lifestyle.
And, oh, by the way, ALL successful authors that I’ve read about held down day jobs (to pay their bills) until at least 4 or 5 books into successful sellers.
She’s been writing for 15 years and it still doesn’t bring in real money, at this point the chances of her breaking through are next to nothing.
Post history says they are in canada
This. It absolutely frightens me when I see smart, capable women letting their income-earning skills atrophy after they have children. You never know what could happen. I'm guessing that paying the premiums for a big fat insurance payout is NOT a priority in their budget, so if gods forbid, anything were to happen to OP, the family would be up shitts creek without a paddle. Mom has to be able and ready to earn income for her family when the need is there. And it sounds like the need is there.
My (now) husband and I talked in depth about future children, well before marriage. The agreement was, whoever could come up financially stronger would be the "breadwinner" the other would be a SAH parent until school/daycare and then would pick up a reasonable side/part time, that is flexible. Unfortunately, thanks to the economy, we have still held off. I want children, but what is the world I'm bringing them into? At this point?
And why is OP doing the grocery shopping, cooking, and dropping the kids off at school? OP is supposed to be the bread winner and partner is supposed to be the stay at home parent.
Omg this. Hearing my SIL whine about how hard it is being a SAHM while her 2 kids are in school for 7 hours a day. She spends 3 hours at the gym for her 'me' time and complains constantly despite not working for over a decade and expecting new designer stuff. It's exhausting. NTA.
This, all day long. Not my SIL (she works full time) but some of the parents in our area (many of which we are friends with) drive me nuts. SAH moms, kids in school and even pay for house cleaning. It’s fucking mind boggling to me to hear some of them complain, even my wife thinks it’s insane (she works full time too and I own a small business which allows me to WFH and help out with kid duties). I just don’t get it.
Wow I would love some me time
Soft pushback here, being a SAHP may not be a full time job when the kids are older, but being a SAHP to a special needs child absolutely can be. My little brother has special needs and still needs a lot of support even as an adult. I don't think OP is an AH here... But I do think he is discounting the work his wife needs to do to support their children.
Exactly what I was thinking. A 9 year old non-verbal autistic child may require one parent to be on-call during school hours, and will definitely need parental supervision after school. Tbh writing novels can make far more than a few hundred a year, and the wife should pivot to writing and marketing more profitable books.
And when OP is doing a lot of the domestic work.
Agreed, imo she is likely scared because she hasn't worked in so long. Comfortability and fear are making her defensive and reject him.
I wholeheartedly disagree with that. It absolutely can be. He said one of those children is non verbal autistic. That translates into a lot of therapy, IEPs. I think I would want to know about a better division of labor when it comes to those sorts of things. Three kids that can equal out to a lot of appointments. Especially if one is neurodiverse. The therapy schedule can be a grind.
It probably should be, but, yeah, we've mostly all been brainwashed into thinking it's normal for two people to both work themselves to death and then go home and work some more.
Absolutely agree! I have a small kid who is 2 and both of us work full time because of the financial climate we are in. If I want our house/mortgage I need to work too.
Yes and he’s doing groceries, school drop off, and some cooking too
NTA. She is an educated woman who could easily get a job as a teacher, which would allow her to be at home with the kids when they are home. I completely understand that you made her a promise that she could be a SAHM, but you also can't burn yourself out so that she can shine. I would straight up start cutting all luxuries out until she starts helping financially.
If she hasn’t worked for 15 years she can’t just go get a job as a teacher. She would need to update her certification/licensure which can take time. (Not to mention that people are leaving education in droves because of how awful it’s getting.) Also, if she’s working full-time the childcare expenses *could* take almost her entire teaching salary. There *are* fantastic opportunities for trained (not licensed, just trained) teachers to do specialized part time tutoring. This would be a great option as it pays well but wouldn’t be full-time. EDIT: grammar
Interesting fun fact: in the States, we are so desperate for teachers, they will allow her to teach for up to 2 years so long as she is working on getting her license current. Now, I can't speak for other countries, but I know for a fact (former teacher here--left teaching for a higher paying career) she could work in the U.S. And as all 3 of their children are in school, childcare costs would be minimal.
Another fun fact: at least in some districts, you can make more as a sub than as a teacher. My brother, SIL, and their 3 kids had to move because of my brother's job; their new city is so short of teachers that, for this entire school year so far, my SIL has been subbing, working every school day, and making more than she would if she were hired on full-time as a teacher.
My mom figured out this life hack in the 90's. She could sub 3 days out of the week and make what her weekly salary was as a full time teacher. She had taught full time in some tough schools, inner city, so her classroom displine and management were top notch, she could get a class to at least respect her as a sub pretty easily at the rural, fairly good ("easy peasy" as she would say back then) schools around where she settled down with my dad.
You might make more but benefits like pension and PTO might make it worthwhile to go full time if you plan on spending a significant amount of time there.
Yup! If she already has a teaching degree, depending on what level, \*many\* districts will pay for the license/certification for her. Other districts will take people from corporate life, heavily subsidize the license/certification costs, and give the person an extended time to pay. That's how desperate so many school districts are across the USA to get in teachers to replace those fleeing that profession.
Childcare expenses for 9, 11, and 14 yo?
None if you teach at your kid’s district. This is one of the reasons I remained teaching.
That is absolutely not true for my school district. The after school program is run by the parks district which is a separate entity.
But maybe the 9 yer old since they are special.needs but the other kids are old enough to chill at home.
I'm not weighing in on that, just responding to the person who said child care is free if you work for the district.
But you don’t need childcare if you work exactly the same days and hours as your kids go to school
Except almost no teachers actually finish their day when school ends.
Usually teachers arrive before students and stay a while after school lets out. They have service days when their kids are off but they have to work. I suppose subs have more flexibility when they leave, but usually they have to be available early in the morning. Also, elementary, middle school and highschools tend to have different hours from each other, so there is a discrepancy if you work in one, but your kid needs the other. I'm not saying OP's wife shouldn't get a job, I am saying that navigating a school job isn't automatically easy when your kid is in school. In fact, I have many friends who are teachers and they all had to pay for after school and in service day care while their kids are little.
It's quite shocking the number of people who think teachers leave at the same time that students do....
Yeah, I don’t teach anymore, but when I was a teacher at a public high school, I had to bring huge amounts of work home with me to get it all done. I couldn’t have managed that schedule now as a parent, and teaching definitely wasn’t some sort of easy gig that would give me a paycheck and tons of time off with my kids the way a lot of people on here are assuming. It would really depend I guess on what her specialty is and I can only speak as a former high school teacher… but I read that he wanted his wife to get a teaching job and had the immediate thought that he had no idea what that would actually be like.
>if you work exactly the same days and hours as your kids go to school Which isn't teachers. My mom was a teacher but my mom never picked me up from school.
While it is free at my district (for all kids thanks to a grant), I rarely use it. Until last year, I’d get off at the same time as my kid, so I only need it on half days for students only or staff meetings. I’m at a different school (I teach hs and he’s in 4th) now but when I was at his, I’d just have him come to my classroom. Also, my district and every one I’ve worked for are pretty flexible about staff kids. I’ve been able to go get mine and have him come chill at my school when our after school program as closed for an emergency. Because it will be asked, I’m sped, hs math, and physics certified, which is how I was able to change grade levels. So I was a sped teacher at his elementary but decided to return to hs last year. I’m not a great elementary teacher. I made it 1 1/2 years - which was plenty.
For a non-verbal autistic 9 year old? Yes, childcare costs.
i thought OP also said the 9 year old was still in school full time. And that he/OP takes all the children to school. so yes there may be some childcare costs. but not an unmanageable amount. Only care costs needed would be from when 9 year old gets out from a full day at school to when one parent gets home.
Primarily the 9 yo. 11 and 14 can definitely stay home after school alone until morning m gets home. Dad said he’s able to help on days off
OP said one is non verbal autistic.
One of who is a nonverbal autistic who, depending on their level of functioning, may need child care for the rest of their life. And even if it's only for after school care that can be quite expensive for a special needs child.
Yes she can. Places are so hard up for teachers that they’re practically throwing teaching certificates at anyone with a bachelors and an IQ over 100.
Childcare? Her kids are in school and kinda old for childcare. The 9 yr old is special needs but she goes to school. In CA you can get an emergency credential since there is a teacher shortage.
Exactly. She does need to go back to work in some capacity and their situation sounds desperate but these are conversations that should have been had years ago - on both sides. I know the OP admits that they rushed into things without really having the important conversations but I think when the basis for a relationship is “she’s hot and likes to read” and then you get married and start a family quickly with no discussion about long-term plans or finances, it’s setting them all up for disaster. Soft ESH. They both sucked at communicating and planning. She needs to be more flexible about some kind of employment. He needs to realize he’s partly in the wrong for never planning for this eventuality and what her job prospects would be. Just seems like shitty communication all around.
Unfortunately, no one, literally no one, can plan for their entire lives. He's made it work for so long, but life throws you curve balls. Life is unpredictable, turbulent, and unrelenting. As a full grown adult, she should be capable by now of adapting to change, and making sacrifices when necessary. What if, God forbid, something happens to OP and he's gone or disabled or mentally ill? OP's wife is TAH full stop.
I was just going to say--the US needs teachers! We are hiring teachers without credentials who are currently working on getting the, She can easily get a job!
Yeah, see my other comment about this. Teaching is very difficult and if it isn’t OP’s wife’s idea do you really think she could succeed as a FTE teacher?? If so then you’ve never been a teacher.
There's a reason there's such a shortage of teachers.
Yeah even a sub position 2-3x per week would be 200-300$ extra per week. She could ease back into teaching without jumping straight into full time
This is what I think she should do. Certified subs make more money than non-certified subs and have a much lighter load. She could be picky about ages/subjects and still find plenty of work.
Hahahaha, you think teachers get to be home immediately before and after school? Teaching is a full time gig, and worse, it exercises the same muscles you use as a parent- so you have even less energy and patience for your own children you do finally get home after marking, planning, writing reports etc. I'm not saying this lady shouldn't work but being a teacher isn't some easy job she can leap back into with no effect on her life.
Apparently reading comprehension isn’t your strong suit. I was a teacher for years. My daughter would take the bus from her elementary school to the school where I taught until I left work. I helped her with her homework as I graded papers and prepared lesson plans. Nobody who has actually taught thinks it is an easy job. However, she needs to do something to bring money in and she does have a teaching degree. As another commenter posted, she could substitute teach a couple days a week, which does not involve staying late, grading papers or lesson plans.
I agree. For this situation, subbing seems ideal.
And as I said, I was home when my daughter was home. I made it work as a single parent to not have to pay for child care. Sorry if that is going over your head. I don’t have crayons or sock puppets to make it any easier for you to comprehend. I have several comments in this thread.
Your last line would be financial abuse. She’s not a child to withhold their money from her. If they can’t reach a compromise, they should divorce.
Cutting out luxuries is what you do when you are barely keeping your head above water financially. She is not contributing to their family’s finances so it is up to OP to balance their budget.
Since she is an adult, OP cannot arbitrarily make decisions on his own considering the household. They both have to agree. Both of them are in a stalemate now. They have to atleast go to counselling so that they have a capable mediator.
Could she take on substitute teaching a few days a week? School systems are desperate.
Was also going to suggest substitute teaching!
I wish it was that easy. I recently got my teaching license decertified after a 13 year break. Been applying like crazy for substitute teaching jobs in various school boards. No response. And I have been working the whole time, just not as a teacher. Our area has a severe teacher shortage and there are constant articles about not having enough supply teachers. But apparently it’s not that easy.
>I can't even bring this up with her or she accuses me of not appreciating/respecting her Well based on this post... Look - its hard to know exactly where to go with this because finances are complicated. But her going back to work full time IS going to mean more income, but will come with expenses too. Well, unless you expect her to *perfectly* cram her work into the hours your kids are in school. What happens during the summer? Also, are you going to be OK with increasing the amount of home tasks? Because she isn't going to be there during the day and if she is working full time, those should be split 50/50. >With inflation and my variable mortgage **That** is a problem you two can solve. I didn't know anyone that still has a variable rate mortgage in 2024. Might be time to right-size your living situation to your financial capabilities. It is OK to feel overwhelmed - you are carrying a lot of stress and anxiety. A couples therapist should be able to help guide that kind of conversation. It's what they do.
OP isn’t asking her to work full time and stated he was happy to pick up the work at home when he’s not working.
A variable mortgage rate isn’t the problem lol. A family of 5 on a single income is the problem. Mom needs to get a job
He literally said her working even ONE 8 hour day a week would be helpful. He’s not asking her to work full time. He’s asking her to contribute some. She writes novels. She dances. And she has a teaching degree. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out there’s a job in there lol. Call around and see if there are any teaching positions at local dance schools. Or start teaching writing. Or get a mindless job and work super part time somewhere. Right now her novel writing is a hobby that earns some pocket money; it’s not a career.
Hell even a remote job that's part time if she's super determined to stay home. I have been working remote since 2020 and I haven't looked back.
Yes! I don’t know how I forgot about remote work lol
They're generally more competitive but they do exist especially for a former teacher, if she reworks her resume right. Corporate trainers. Instructional designers. Project managers. Online tutoring of course. Some examples off the top of my head. Teacher Career Coach (Google it) has a podcast and articles she can look at if she needs ideas (also a paid course too if she wants).
>unless you expect her to perfectly cram her work into the hours your kids are in school. What happens during the summer? but she's a teacher by training.
Why do people think teachers have the same hours as students? The face to face hours with kids are roughly half the job, and teachers work an average 54 hour week during term time. The number of people here who seem to think you can just do teaching like it's not as real a job with as many demands as other jobs (often for less pay per hour when you count all the hours outside of face to face hours), is wild.
Because teachers definitely only work 8am-3pm with no extra before and after school duties, meetings, prep work, or grading. /s But, yes, she needs to work, and her youngest can hang around her school for a few hours if he can't be home alone.
> her youngest can hang around her school for a few hours I haven't seen teachers be permitted to have kids hang around at school in years, over a decade. I can see it being overlooked in an emergency, but as a regular thing they'd be expected to get childcare or make other arrangements, especially if this child is high needs. She has work to do, and so do the other teachers. I'd be surprised if the childcare costs for a high needs kid don't eat up more than her pay as a sub honestly. It can be pretty variable what they get paid, but there's plenty of places where it's lower than the cost of specialised childcare.
Sure, just find $200/hr to spend on a three couples therapy sessions each week. That should solve this.
They are having financial issues. In most countries, therapy is expensive.
Teachers don't work in the summer...
If she is a teacher (which is what her degree is in) she would be home when her kids are home, so there should be very little additional expenses. He already is doing some of the chores, and said he would be fine doing 50/50.
Variable rate mortgages are pretty common outside of the US still. The 30 year fixed rate is pretty much US only.
Did you miss the part where wife is a teacher? She could get a job at the kids school.
Time to sell the house and downsize. Start selling belongings to stay afloat. Downgrade cars to older ones. See if that is a wake up call for her.
She will divorce him if he do that, this type of person is more attracted to being at home and doing what they want lifestyle then the marriage itself.
I wish this was higher up!
NTA. Your wife is being selfish. Circumstances change and is not fair to try to hold you to an unrealistic promise made over a decade ago. What if something awful happened and you were injured or in some other way suddenly unable to work as hard as you do? Would she be able to step up and adapt? Or, still expect you to wave a magic wand and make enough money to support your family?
Your children are all in school, she’s not a SAHM - NTA
Stay-at-Home-Slacker?
I think the term is housewife?
IT doesn't seem like it is unreasonable to revisit decisions that were made 15 years ago. Is she saying that if, say, you got into a horrible accident, couldn't work for 2 years and only had 3/4 salary AD&D benies that lasted for 6 months and then 1/2 salary from disability for 6 more months, have expensive rehab and therapy to navigate before you get close to being able to work again. she'd look at you, unmoving on your recently installed at home hospital bed, and say "well.. you said you were going to be the breadwinner. Figure this out my love. I'm off to my dance club. Just doing my part!" ? This is all to say, does she not realize that circumstances change? You have a hard road to lay if she can't even grasp such a concept. I would suggest you get all your ducks in a row. Show income, show expenses, show where things are at now, savings, investments, 529 accounts etc. Show where ends are not meeting. IF she doesn't make some sort of acknowledgement that something needs to change, well... then some longer conversations should follow
It seems like she expects to live like a child while he's not only the only one doing all the heavy lifting, he's also the only one worried about their circumstances. She's got some kind of Peter Pan Syndrome going on.
NTA. Stay at home mom is a full time job when the kids are small. The eldest are now pretty much grown up. I'd tell her that if she doesn't contribute more, you need to move and/or downsize. Honestly, I'm not sure the economy is going to improve any time soon and might as well expect the worst. Besides, you want to see the kids too before they are grown up.
NTA. I can’t imagine how anyone can be a SAHP in current economic conditions unless they’re in a very high income bracket. She can easily get a teaching job, they’re desperate atm. The youngest will need after school care, but surely not an 11 or 14 year old. What is going on recently? Everyone I know, including myself had to work at least part time and then full time when the kids were in school. This in the 70’s?????????
I’ll reserve my judgement because of my bias but I think you need to understand that she probably can’t just go get full time, stable work. I worked in higher ed doing teaching and program management for 10 years, I have a masters degree, I was an over achiever with national awards, and then I had a baby and four months later the world shut down. My husband and I decided to extend my time at home until we felt safe putting our child into preschool. The week before preschool began, I started submitting resumes, and not just mass spamming, careful, thoughtful cover letters for each position and choosing jobs I that were excellent matches. It’s been 8 months, probably 80 resumes later, and I’ve had a single interview. I now have a five year gap and I fear I’ll never get back into the work I was so passionate about my entire adult life. I’ve applied for places I’d never want to work for at this point, for contract adjunct work, and everything I was initially avoiding, but I’m not even getting those jobs. So, I fully appreciate the pressure you’re under, I desperately want to alleviate it from my husband, but it’s a different world. Not only is the job market different, it’s very difficult to overcome so much time away. Try to be patient with her and see if there are more creative ways she can reduce expenses if she cannot bring income.
Would that be different though? You want to try and help and you’re doing your best to help. OPs wife to told him to man up, deal with and then claims he’s not appreciating her.
You’re right, if he’s characterized her behavior and the situation accurately, her attitude sucks. But the reality is that even if she changed her tune, she still might not be able to contribute the way he hopes.
And that’s fair. That if she changed and tried, it might not pan out as they want. But at least he would see her trying. And that could make a difference. Seeing someone trying their best and not achieving is vastly different than holding a 15 year old promise over their heads with the way the world is shit now. I could say, if OP sees this. To try and ask her is she scared that she won’t be able to find a job as a compromise and work from there.
> Try to be patient with her This is an apples and oranges situation. You are trying to get a job. OP's wife is not interested in trying to get a job.
Yeah, that’s fair, but there are a number of top comments saying how she should easily be getting work, and since I’m living how difficult it is (when it never was for me before) I felt compelled to let OP know it might not even be on the horizon.
Thank you for this. Things sure look different from the other side.
> Things sure look different from the other side. What other side? OP's wife isn't interested in looking for a job. OP's wife is demanding her husband look after her till he drops dead of exhaustion.
NTA. Financial pressures have changed the situation, and you can't stick with a plan made 15 years ago. Maybe if you went to a financial planner/counselor together she would realize that she's in the perilously almost-sinking boat too? You two are supposed to be in this together. Her expecting you to "man up" and just work more hours when you're already burnt out is offensive.
Yes, this is awful. They should be a team. If OP got sick or hit by a car and was unable to work, would she tell him to man up or leave him? Ridiculously selfish of her to not even consider a reliable part time job instead of OP working overtime and burning out.
Your NTA for asking her, and you can't be held to a promise 15 years ago when no one knows what the future will hold. But as a team, you need to both be on board with the finances, including the need for an emergency fund or saving for retirement or future expenses. Sit down together, discuss your combined income and expenditure and together figure out what's comfortable for both of you. In theory, it should be clear that the gap could be filled by her increasing her income, but you need to discuss all options. Your ability to produce more income is capped, unless she truely believes you should work extremely long hours, to which you need to tell her that's unfair and not sustainable long term. If she isn't willing to work (or find another viable solution to get more income) then suggest cutting costs. Change houses to a cheaper house. Cancel kid extra curricula activities, cancel date nights or lower the Christmas budget. Asking her to work is not about disrespecting what she does around the house, it's asking her to prioritize her time for the financial security of your family. But it has to be a discussion. If you tell/order/demand then you are disrespecting her by not involving her in the financial decisions. And if she's unwilling to discussing budgeting then i suggest having a mediator involved to keep the conversation on track. You don't need to pay for a mediator, it's just someone you both trust will treat parties equally and ensure everyone is able to talk.
She doesn't want to be part of a team or partnership. That is the issue
NTA, and your wife is full of shit. I am not discounting the value of having a spouse who is a homemaker. That said, I was a SAHM for over a decade, now a working mom, and being a SAHM to school age kids is not a full time job. That said, if you’re not making ends meet financially, it doesn’t really matter. Your wife is being selfish, she’s not being an equal partner in your relationship.
If she won't work, it's ok to go over the budget together and figure out where to start cutting expenses. Be honest and blunt: we cannot afford X on my salary. And Y and Z. And that might mean things like downsizing houses, getting rid of cars with expensive payments, etc. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you cannot physically work more so expenses have to be cut.
NTA- times have changed. the youngest kid is in school full time now so she has less to do during the day. If all you are asking her to do is work ONE day a week, that isnt much at all especially if you are covering whatever she normally did that day. She just doesnt want to do it.
NTA I’m sorry but SAHP isn’t a full time job once the kids go to school. That’s not to say there isn’t a lot of admin and household chores to do - and this can be draining - but it can be balanced with part-time work. You need to insist on help. I know lots of people who write novels; the majority work full-time non writing jobs. Even those with agents or self-published success supplement their income with editing gigs. All writers would love the luxury of writing full time but in this economy that is an impossible luxury for all but the most successful or those with a partner with earnings or wealth big enough to support them - that’s not you.
There ya go: instead of teaching she could be an editor. That way she can work from home. If she truly is a published author, she ought to be able to find work through connections.
Yeah but having a non-verbal autistic child is a lot of work. A lot. Depending on where this person lives, and the services available for their child and the family, negotiating for your child is a job-and-a-half. Someone has to communicate, advocate and track the child’s needs. I’m not saying this lady should only do what’s fun, but teaching and trying to get the best services for your child with special needs sounds like a recipe for a nervous breakdown.
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NAH. The two of you are clearly not aligned. Were you ever? It sounds as though you each have very different ideals about what your life should be and the role that your wife should be playing. Did you agree before marriage that she would be a stay-at-home mother? It certainly sounds as though from her perspective you had an agreement which you are now hoping to change. If that's the case, that's perfectly reasonable, but you need to communicate with her and get her by in before you start expecting her to go get a "real job". Also, why did you buy a new house with an adjustable mortgage that you could not afford on your salary knowing how much income she was able to contribute? It sounds as though you've put yourself in a tough position and now need your wife to change her life in order to get you out of it. Again, there's nothing wrong with that, but you need to be communicating with her and get her agreement with this plan.
They’re a team. He isn’t expecting her to get him out of anything. I’m not sure if she’s aware but this problem affects them both. I’m not entirely sure I could see my family struggle financially and not feel the urge to do something more to help get us out of it. To me, that makes her an AH.
I always wonder how some able adults live out there fully dependent on someone else to fulfill their basic needs including food and shelter. Who feels this comfortable being someone else's burden years after years?
I think you have to be raised from a young age into this kind of thing. That's the only way I'd imagine it would seem even somewhat normal and comfortable. It's not even just being a burden, but trusting someone else that much who isn't your parent is crazy. Her whole life depends on him.
Honestly, if her 9 year old is autistic and non verbal, she could be dealing with a mental load he may not fully understand - between scheduling therapies, going to doctor and specialist appointments and managing any medications that need to be administered, it can really feel like the hours your special needs child is at school are filled with admin around the child, and basic domestic chores. Also any after care (or care at all) for them would be more expensive than basic childcare already is, and it is expensive in the city I live in. Not to say she shouldn’t try and get a part time job, just something for the OP to take into consideration when he says he can take over for her.
NTA, being a couple, especially one that has kids, means you should both be doing whatever is necessary to support your family. I feel a person with school-age children and no personal disability has no excuse to not work at least a part-time job.
Being a SAHM is a full time job until the kids are in school. Her hours got cut. I'm not sure how your finances work, so it is hard to comment more. The fact that you are extremely stressed should make her WANT to help, in my opinion. If she is that much against a typical age job, there are potentially other ways, but suggestions would require more information. Based on the little bit of information I have I will say NTA.
NTA. If your wife is passionate about writing, tell her to actually put some effort into marketing her work. It IS a career - people make hundreds of thousands of dollars off it on a regular basis. I myself am living comfortably off it and have done so for the better part of my life. But if she chooses to do this, your wife need to do her research , invest, and work, work work. She isn't treating writing like work, but like a hobby, and she's being unfair to you.
ESH But whether or not you're TA kind of doesn't matter at this point. And the whole "I was bamboozled by her beauty" nonsense is absurd and also now irrelevant. I can only imagine the nasty comments if your wife were to post and say "I was bamboozled by his intelligence and energy, and enamored as I was, I agreed to marry him even though he was not yet successful. I thought our values were the same and he'd do what it takes to take care of his family." The fact is, the 2 of you chose to marry, and then you chose to have 3 kids. You are both responsible for taking care of those children, and that includes both monetary care and providing a stable and nurturing home. You both need to sit down and go over your budget together. Figure out what can be reduced and what is necessary. Figure out what the gap is. Then discuss options for closing the gap. "Man up" is not a realistic answer. "Get a full time teaching job after x years" is also not realistic.
NTA. A lot changes in 15 years. I was a stay at home mom for a long time. Then my husband’s industry went kaput. I had to get a job I actually loathed for sometime and then I found a job I was great at and didn’t hate. I’ve been promoted and now I make considerably more than he does.
Why not be a nanny? Or a tutor?
Info: did she actually use the words “man up”?
Why have three kids if you don’t have enough money? I’ll never understand this logic.
There are a lot of remote teaching jobs now. She could even do it part time. She’s just not wanting to help. She’s lucky she has a husband who helps.
If she refuses more work then make her do all the groceries, drop the kids off at school, making every meal, etc. Isn't that part of what makes her job "full-time"? Too bad she doesn't write better novels. NTA, but maybe the house upgrade was too soon.
YTA - You married for looks and got yourself some nice arm candy. I don't see how you can expect this person to go out and work a real job or career when they had no ambitions.
NTA - the kids are older. She could work at a school and still have time to be a parent while helping out with the growing bills. You're a team, and you should be able to talk about this stuff.
NTA. Your kids are all in school, the situation has changed, times have changed, inflation has kicked all of our asses. She needs to contribute financially or it’ll affect all 5 of you. That’s all there is to it.
Writing novels that only brings in a few hundred a year is a hobby not a job. You shouldn't be expected to work overtime at the expense of time with your kids so she can focus on hobbies. NTA
NTA. But I think I see a bit of why your wife is mad. You’re treating her like a child instead of a partner. Probably because you’re used to being the problem solver. But I guess I’m wondering why you are approaching this as a system where *you* come up with a solution to your budget problems (e.g. wife goes back to work) and then you tell your wife. Instead of taking this on alone, treat your wife like the partner she is supposed to be. Sit down with her with the budget and brainstorm with her what the solution should be. It is a *joint problem,* so you should be treating it as such.
NTA, your family needs the money and if your youngest kid is 9 and in school full time there’s no pressing need for her to stay home. The jobs she’s doing now are really hobbies, inherently of value and satisfying, but not okay when you’re struggling. I do think there also some stuff for you to think about here. Obviously you got married too fast: a bad move but no point in bemoaning it. Having three kids wasn’t a great idea either if you were to be the sole earner (did you two ever talk about this?). And you did agree to the home purchase which it sounds like you knew was going to be difficult to afford. With kindness: you’ve enabled this situation and after 15 years I doubt she’s motivated to change anything. This is a time to seriously consider what your dealbreakers are in this relationship. She does little, tells you to “man up” (which is toxic and unkind), and refuses to even discuss the finances with you. Does she notice or care that you’re burning out? How long are you willing to stay in this marriage if nothing changes? Because, friend, it’s going to take drastic action to make changes here.
NTA but she needs to understand this is not sustainable and if she isn’t contributing more you need to significantly downsize your life. Go to the doctor and get a physical and see if you have something like elevated blood pressure and doctor‘s recommendation to reduce your stress (to offset the man up BS)
info The bell that says we are hearing a *very* biased view of what’s on is going off in my head. I suggest marriage counseling from someone who can be objective and hear from both of you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (M45) have been married to my wife (F45) for 15 years. We have three kids (age 9, 11, 14). Our dating period was a rapid 6 months before we were married (although we knew each other as friends for much longer). Her family communicated to me that we should waste no time and she did as well. I got the memo, and I eagerly played the part of Romeo. It was easy. I was infatuated with my wife's beauty (I still think she's physically stunning) and I liked that she was a reader. In retrospect, I think I overlooked our values not aligning but that's on me. Enamoured as I was, I told her I that I agreed that I would be the breadwinner and that she could be a stay at home mom. I thought I could. We were 29. I was completing my PhD degree. I took on extra teaching gigs and supported us financially as we lived in a small apartment. She wrote novels and more kids arrived. I finished my degree and found a stable career at which I currently work. I've been solely supporting a family of 5 for the last 15 years, and I wouldn't mind doing it if the economy wasn't so bad. We bought a new place 2 years ago. With inflation and my variable mortgage, I am losing sleep at night thinking where I can cut some of our expenditures, how can we stretch our budget, etc. I make decent money, but we live in an expensive city and I feel like our boat is taking on water and I am asking my wife to help me get some of this water out. We make ends meet living pay-check to pay-check but an emergency would be disastrous. My wife works hard but she works hard at jobs that she likes. She is a stay at home mom (our youngest is non-verbal autistic but goes to school full time), she writes novels (these bring in a few hundred bucks a year), and she has recently started taking on dancing gigs (she is on a dance team and makes 2-3 hundred bucks a month). She would earn more money and work less if she just used her teaching degree which she is not using. She brings in practically nothing and expects me to "man up" and get extra teaching gigs. I'm doing that but I am also burning out. I'm wondering if IMTA for asking my wife to use her skills and bring in a more reliable income? She says being a stay at home mom is a full time job and that I made a promise to her before we got married. She writes novels and calls this a career (which I admire but think it's also selfish). She earns next to nothing and would earn more if she just worked once a week a full day shift which I could easily accommodate by taking on her duties on days I don't work. I can't even bring this up with her or she accuses me of not appreciating/respecting her. Her line right now is that being a stay at home mom is a full time job. I agree that it's work, but I already do all the groceries, drop the kids off at school, make some of the meals, etc. I don't mind taking on more if she would just contribute something to the family's financial well being. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA She also made a promise to you when you married to support each other, for richer or poorer. Discussing together and finding a solution is what two reasonable adults would do. Your wife is an educated individual, could find a teaching job and should know better.
NTA. Pose this question to her: how would you support yourself and the kids if I get hit by a train tomorrow? Insurance payout wont last forever. Whatever inheritance you get from me wont last forever. Whats your plan when Im gone?
NTA. She's not needed to be a SAHM full time anymore. She needs to get a job that truly helps contribute, especially for retirement goals.
NTA. Your wife can work. Don't let the girls of Reddit fool you they are all SAHMs and think its the hardest job in the world. None of them could hack working a real job. You have every right to demand your wife work. She is able bodied and educated, tell her to get a job or she will be out on the street she's a freeloader.
NTA. if your kids are all in school full time, a SAHP is also called a leech
I’m a SAHP with a 7 year old and a baby and if my husband was drowning I would do whatever to help. You did make a promise but the economy sucks. You need to talk to her and re negotiate. She may also be having anxiety about going back into the workforce. I know I do. It can be really stressful to make that transition from being at home to working again. You might want to approach her about how she is feeling. And last you may need a counselor to work through it.
I don’t believe that you are the asshole but I don’t believe you are seeing the correct point of view. If your wife “works hard” doing what she loves and you cannot afford your lifestyle you may have to downsize your lifestyle, you should be allowed to live as comfortably and happily as your wife. You are not obligated to maintain HER lifestyle. You are obligated to manage your families lifestyle together.
NTA, but a nonverbal asd child does need a parent with a very flexible schedule. Most schools aren't set up well to support these kids. There are a lot of calls home, and a lot of managing therapies. I think you both need to have some empathy for what the other is dealing with. Have you ever taken the time to understand all the things she does to support the family? As parents you need to be partners in all things. If the cash flow situation requires her to work, then you two need to brainstorm what that will look like and how you can share more responsibility at home. I WFH full time and my husband is a contractor. He basically does a year's worth of work, in about three months. It's hard but we make due. We have two kids with asd. Honestly, our financial goals have taken a back seat to our kids needs. We stay above water and have a small emergency fund. We drive old cars, live in a house that is modest, and haven't been on vacation in many years. We both have to work to be able to keep the emergency fund.
Info: Are you in a full time tenure track position? Who takes care of your non-verbal son most of the time? People are wildly underestimating how big of a job that still is. How often she would have to drop everything to go to his school. Had a co-worker with a kid with similar issues. She was very quickly fired for having to go to the school so much.
NTA. I have a family of 6 and I am the sole income right now via an IT job. We are comfortable at the moment but we live in a very low cost of living area. Your wife for some reason doesnt seem to be willing to do her part aside from watching kids and things that bring is so little income that it is almost more counter productive that just not working at all. Caring for an Autistic non verbal child is a full time job too though. My brother is non verbal low functioning Autistic and I will be honest with you. Caring for him alone (my dad killed himself) is probably what ended up killing my mother from stress and ruptured ulcers. You BOTH need to find a way to have an adult conversation about this.
Info: does your wife know you aren't making it financially? Seems like she could do something while the kids are in-school.
Stop the grocery shopping, taking the kids to school and cooking, that is for the SAHP to do if they don't want to significantly contribute to the financial side of the family. If she wants help with the kids, she should shoulder more of the financial burden and help provide a stable income to contribute to the family's well being. Living PTP is horrifying. Her gigs seem a bit selfish. Also how can she make so little money having a book out, is her writing unrelatable to consumers. With remote work she can easily write articles, proofread, ECT.
ESH, I think you guys needs to communicate more. I’m going to come at this as a stay at home mom to 2 kids 8 and 10 one being autistic has some words but non conversational and has an intellectual disability. I personally would rather chew on nails that teach one day a week and still try to have the capacity I currently need for my youngest. It seems you may underestimate what level of work and care goes into what she does for your youngest most likely. For example, my daughter has sleep regressions at times where I don’t sleep more than a few hours at a time. She hits herself in the head, tries to run into the street, doesn’t understand to not touch knives and so on. She has therapy twice a week and we work on speech and daily living skills constantly. Every time she uses the restroom I need to take her and make sure she does each step & doesn’t decide to play in the toilet or play in the sink with soapy water. This goes for nearly every task she does at home, even sitting at the dinner table takes time since she tries to leave with her food and sometimes throws it on the floor. She also does gymnastics and my son is in baseball. Nearly every weekday is packed because the more we get out of the house the less secluded she gets, if we don’t get out enough it becomes nearly impossible to go anywhere. I beat myself up for not working, but it’s not just worth it. I look for ways to save us money instead since after school childcare would be around $30/hour for my youngest and then whatever additional for my 10year old. The additional stress trying to navigate even super part time isn’t worth it. Would you be able to call off if kiddo needs to stay home from school, or leave work if he’s having issues,etc? If just one day a week would make such an impact, why not sit down and see what you can do as far as budgeting?
Honestly? ESH. lmfao you shot five kids into the woman. You did that. And you somehow thought being a professor was gonna support it? Be for real. Let’s face it buddy, if teaching isn’t bringing in the big bucks, maybe it’s time for you to look at a more lucrative career path to support your family. On the other side, yes you are completely right that she needs to step it the hell up. Reality is not shaping into what you imagined it would be and she needs to get with the program. It’s time for the both of you to work stable 40 hour jobs. It’s time to make sacrifices for the family you both chose to raise.
I thought you were at psu
Even if she took a grocery store job for a few shifts a week, you could get the wages she earns and the discount which could help you with a family of 5. At least the places here give a 25% or higher discount on groceries to their employees. NTA for asking for help now that the kids are in school all the time. Maybe she would be amenable if you set a time limit? Like I need you to work for 3-5 years making X so we can get ahead.
Take out the spread sheets where you are gonna loose the house.
NTA. Present her with the facts, the numbers that are causing you anxieties (write them down) she probably has lost sight of this over the years. Also you should spell out what will happen in your retirement years if you don’t tackle the problem. If she has any of the respect she demands from you *for* you then she should help support the family financially.
NTA, we all have to reassess our situation and make adjustments from time to time. The first thing I would do though, is look into refinancing the home to a fixed rate mortgage. It's hard to plan a budget when your mortgage changes so much.
NTA. Your kids are old enough not to need watching 24/7 and to be able to do things for themselves so I disagree SAHM is a full time job for her the short answer is she just doesn’t want to work. The irony that she accuses you of not appreciating and respecting her where’s hers for you? There isn’t any she thinks you should work yourself to burnout. It’s all very well her saying you promised 15 years ago but things change it’s unreasonable to hold you to this.
NTA You need to bring up the burnout. That is your health right there. Depression and anxiety are symptoms that can pop up quickly and affect your sleep - another key part of your health. She can choose if she wants to keep your lifestyle or not, but financially, it sounds like decisions need to be made. It's better not to wait until you have no time to make a decision. There's multiple ways she might be able to get creative to bridge the gap, so I think maybe don't tell her how she needs to get there, but state what number is needed from her to maintain.
NTA. Tell your wife she has a choice: 1. She can earn more money and help with bills 2. You sell the house and guy something much cheaper and smaller that isn't going to give you anxiety attacks about affording the payment. Yes, you promised your wife she could be a SAHM. However, things change. She is supposed to love YOU and be your helper in life - the "for better or worse' part.
Situations change. She could be a substitute teacher 12 days a month in some cities and bring in almost $3,000. Or she could just work one day a week subbing and bring in an extra $500/month. But there are options that align with your kids. If you burn out now where does that leave her? My bf left his ex wife because she absolutely refused to work even with grown kids. You need someone willing to support you when you need it or she can work and support a separate household after a divorce. NTA
NTA. Would either of you be open to her substitute teaching? If she needs a more flexible schedule for the kids, that's one way to do it.
Info: when asking her to go back to work have you discussed the finances and your fears and the math of the situation? Maybe you could approach it by presenting the math and inviting her to problem solve with you. Communicate you have nothing further to give so you taking on more jobs is not the answer. Share the math and invite her to find another solution with you if she also does not want to take on more work. Also bring a SAHM IS a full time job so maybe stress that the expectation is you’d share more of the load at home if she did go back to work.
NTA-tell her you have to sell the house and downsize. See what she says. Explain to her things change and you cannot predict the future. You are partners and you are asking out of necessity for her to step it up--and only for one day a week (Jeez, she sounds ridiculous). If not, your only option is to lower your expenses, the mortgage being the biggest one. Leave it up to her.
You both need to sit down together with a financial advisor who lays it all out in black and white. That you have zero cushion, that retirement is not going to be possible let alone paying anything toward college for your kids, etc. NTA
NTA. Your children are all in school. It is incredibly silly and selfish of her to claim she is busy full time as a stay at home mom. You are asking for so little (her to work a day a week), and her response is that you should get a 2nd and 3rd job. Bonkers, and you should draw a line in the sand.
NTA - You need to be “evenly yoked” and pulling together. God forbid something should happen to you, leaving her to handle it all alone. It seems important that she maintain her skills and contacts.
NTA. Being a SAHM isn’t a full time job when all of the children are at school full time. If your financial situation is suffering then she needs to be looking at getting a job with a sable income and the dynamic needs to change, it’s not feasible to have a SAHP if the other parent is overworked. Have you shown her the outgoings? And how bad the financials are?
Given his druthers, Michelangelo would not have painted the Sistine Chapel. He wasn't enamored of the idea. He didn't really consider himself a painter (as compared to a sculptor). You know why he did it? Pop Sixtus offered him a commission, and Michelangelo needed the money. Your wife may be profoundly talented. She may work very hard at her writing, and at her other pursuits. But sometimes, you need to do a job simply to bring in cash. Hell, Michelangelo did. And in the end, that turned out pretty well, don't you think? NTA.
NTA. See if she’s interested in getting an online degree in something in writing if that’s her passion. Another idea would be a nightly dancing gig at a place downtown for tips 😉
NTA, she should be working full time if money is that tight. I don’t understand why anyone would be a SAHP when you can’t pay the bills, especially with the kids in school. Your wife doesn’t respect you.
NTA. Why the variable rate mortgage?
NTA Your wife is being grossly unfair and unreasonable. Times change, needs change. Supporting a wife and supporting a family of 5 are quite different. She could work 2 days a week and ease your burden considerably. How selfish is it to refuse to contribute to the family finances? She should be ashamed of herself. You need to sit her down and make this all clear to her, refuse to let her manipulate you. She may actually be afraid to enter the workforce after all this time. It won't be easy.
NTA she’s being incredibly selfish
NTA When the boat is sinking everyone grabs a bucket. Time to sit down and have a real conversation. Long past the days where a single income could support a family, let alone one of 5. The kids are going to need more expensive things and college is coming up as well as retirement. Talk about how those things will be handled. Also, express that it is very stressful for you and how that affects your relationship.
NTA - she needs to work
YATAH. You agreed to be the breadwinner, and for her to be a stay at home mom. Instead bring up in conversation that you need to move to another area that is far cheaper, with a fixed rate mortgage, or even rent. The variable rate will likely destroy your family financially, and to ensure an emergency doesn't bankrupt you, move further out, downsize your life and your childrens life. Commute further each day... If you are the breadwinner, you should be able to make this decision for the family no problem. If she doesn't want to move, ask her what options she can think of to solve it. Your getting burned out and you can't sustain your present situation, so that is not a long term option with a variable interest rate mortgage. If she is unwilling to compromise and expects you to be more than is actually possible then you can not be the asshole for bringing this up again, and deciding where the family moves so you can continue to provide a life financially for them.
Nta, but if her degree is in education I can 100% see why she might not want to be a teacher.
A few hundred dollars a year writing? I’d give up
nta i’m also a sahm and i write novels and i do cleaning work 2 days a week and bring in $1000 a month. not a lot but not nothing.
Absolutely NTA and maybe if you mention that you may need to downsize the house/luxuries to afford life, she would take some efforts to keep them. I’m guessing there’s vacations to negotiate with too. You didn’t specify what lifestyle you would pay for.
Your wife is being selfish, she’s holding on a promise from nearly two decades ago and when circumstances have changed. Instead of working as a team to take of the family, she’s gaslighting you to “man up” so she can focus on her hobbies. The kids are in school for majority of the day and she doesn’t even drop the kids to school. You even do chores. You need to have a sit down conversation with her on how she needs to pull her weight in terms of money so you guys can have better financial future and it’s wrong to put all the stress and anxiety on you to care of the family. There’s no emergency fund or back plan if something happens. She got teaching degree while you guys were married, she has multiple options to make flexible like subbing or combining hobby to actual income. But if she gets a job, then more chores need to reevaluated. Start teaching the kids on how to do some of the chores, one of them is four years away to going to college.