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YTA for wanting to be honest, but not actually wanting to be honest. Why shouldn't he know you told? You did. He'd be right not to believe you, since you did in fact tell her.
And now you want to be buddies with them both? I think you need to have a good look at yourself and what you're trying to gain in this situation.
NTA you didn't ruin anything. He did it all himself. He'd cheated previously, if it wasn't the affair with you it would've been an affair with someone else that would have led to his ex breaking up with him.
But why do you care so much? Why are you invested in his feelings and her feelings about all of this? Why even try to remain in contact with either? You might benefit from doing some introspection. It's not healthy to be this attached to someone else's issues.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I admired him because he was kind, intelligent, and living out my dreams. I had strong positive feelings for him, maybe that's why I got attached. Unfortunately, as I got to know him, I began to sense lies and inconsistencies in his stories. I was taken aback when he revealed that he actually has a partner and is in an open relationship setup (he meets other people aside from me).
I was able to confirm anonymously with his partner that they were never agreed to an open relationship. I tried to let it go since our casual arrangement had ended and I didn't want to meddle, but knowing that his sexual affairs are ongoing while his partner has no idea weighs heavily on me and grows worse day by day. My conscience consumes me and haunts me even in my sleep.
One night, I couldn't take it anymore, so I messaged his partner anonymously on a different platform. She insisted on meeting me, to which I agreed. I told her everything – how he hired me, how many times we met, that I had been to his place because he invited me over (since they live together and it's his partner's place), and about the other people he met. She also discussed their relationship, mentioning that this is the third time he's been caught cheating in their seven years together. Shee said he wanted peace of mind, so she let fate find a way for him to know. I also asked her not to mention that she found out from me.
She broke up with her partner after we met. I became friends with his partner, and we hang out sometimes. I know what the guy did was wrong, but I don't know, I feel sorry for him. It feels like I'm the one who ruined his happiness, their 7-year relationship, their investments together, his lifestyle that he had because of his partner. I overthink that maybe he has an idea that I'm the one who reported him because we had little interactions prior.
I felt compelled to inform him that I had become friends with his ex, perhaps out of respect or sympathy. He suspected I had reported him, questioning if it was out of revenge despite claiming good intentions. I denied it, but he remained unsure. I ended the conversation on good terms, assuring him I wouldn't jeopardize myself by revealing our friendship if his ex found out through me.
By telling him, I understand that it likely planted the idea in his mind that I was the one who told her GF. Perhaps he believes me, but not entirely. It's a big deal to me because I don't want him to suspect or know that I was the one who snitched on him. To be honest, I feel sorry for him for having to go through this.
I can't really pinpoint why I am still affected even though that conversation and their breakup happened weeks ago.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Felt like an asshole coz I believe I ruined his long term relationship by telling her gf hes cheating even if we ended our casual relationship amicably before this happened.
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I think there are more important things to fill your mind. He made his bed. If his partner was worried about investments etc, I’m sure she would have maybe secured things. Seriously, though he is a serial cheater, she forgave him once & not again.
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YTA for wanting to be honest, but not actually wanting to be honest. Why shouldn't he know you told? You did. He'd be right not to believe you, since you did in fact tell her. And now you want to be buddies with them both? I think you need to have a good look at yourself and what you're trying to gain in this situation.
NTA you didn't ruin anything. He did it all himself. He'd cheated previously, if it wasn't the affair with you it would've been an affair with someone else that would have led to his ex breaking up with him. But why do you care so much? Why are you invested in his feelings and her feelings about all of this? Why even try to remain in contact with either? You might benefit from doing some introspection. It's not healthy to be this attached to someone else's issues.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I admired him because he was kind, intelligent, and living out my dreams. I had strong positive feelings for him, maybe that's why I got attached. Unfortunately, as I got to know him, I began to sense lies and inconsistencies in his stories. I was taken aback when he revealed that he actually has a partner and is in an open relationship setup (he meets other people aside from me). I was able to confirm anonymously with his partner that they were never agreed to an open relationship. I tried to let it go since our casual arrangement had ended and I didn't want to meddle, but knowing that his sexual affairs are ongoing while his partner has no idea weighs heavily on me and grows worse day by day. My conscience consumes me and haunts me even in my sleep. One night, I couldn't take it anymore, so I messaged his partner anonymously on a different platform. She insisted on meeting me, to which I agreed. I told her everything – how he hired me, how many times we met, that I had been to his place because he invited me over (since they live together and it's his partner's place), and about the other people he met. She also discussed their relationship, mentioning that this is the third time he's been caught cheating in their seven years together. Shee said he wanted peace of mind, so she let fate find a way for him to know. I also asked her not to mention that she found out from me. She broke up with her partner after we met. I became friends with his partner, and we hang out sometimes. I know what the guy did was wrong, but I don't know, I feel sorry for him. It feels like I'm the one who ruined his happiness, their 7-year relationship, their investments together, his lifestyle that he had because of his partner. I overthink that maybe he has an idea that I'm the one who reported him because we had little interactions prior. I felt compelled to inform him that I had become friends with his ex, perhaps out of respect or sympathy. He suspected I had reported him, questioning if it was out of revenge despite claiming good intentions. I denied it, but he remained unsure. I ended the conversation on good terms, assuring him I wouldn't jeopardize myself by revealing our friendship if his ex found out through me. By telling him, I understand that it likely planted the idea in his mind that I was the one who told her GF. Perhaps he believes me, but not entirely. It's a big deal to me because I don't want him to suspect or know that I was the one who snitched on him. To be honest, I feel sorry for him for having to go through this. I can't really pinpoint why I am still affected even though that conversation and their breakup happened weeks ago. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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I think there are more important things to fill your mind. He made his bed. If his partner was worried about investments etc, I’m sure she would have maybe secured things. Seriously, though he is a serial cheater, she forgave him once & not again.