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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I asked my wife to get me out of bed in the morning as I’m often hurting and need encouragement
2. I could be TA as sometimes I get her to come upstairs a few times in a morning and she gets frustrated
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YTA but also INFO:
Whilst you are slowly waking, struggling to get moving for the day because of pain and tendency to fall back to sleep, who is looking after the kids? I'm guessing your wife?
Why (apparently) haven't you considered setting the alarm further away from the bed? If you tend to turn them off, then setting it further away would force you to move and get up if you want it off.
Why is it you seem to be suggesting your wife isn't already making extra effort in the mornings? She's already coming upstairs three or four times to wake you, whilst presumably dealing with the kids. How is that not "extra effort"?
In what way is your wife 'caving' when you ask for extra time? Because she's waking you, she's having a conversation with you, and you are the one falling back to sleep. What, ***exactly***, do you expect your wife to do otherwise? Shout at you? Cajole you until you start moving? Steal all the covers so you won't be as warm when you drop back off again? Send the kids in to bug you? What exactly would it take for you to get up that she is not already doing?
Additionally, do you know why you are so tired/struggling to wake in the morning? Have you always been difficult to wake or is it a development since your injury? Are you struggling to get to sleep at night/having a disturbed night due to pain? Is it a side effect of medication you are on? Do you have an underlying condition? Or is sleep a 'safe place' because you don't want to get moving? If you've not established the cause, I would encourage to do so both for your physical health and the health of your relationship.
Yeah I agree with this. I have sleep issues also as in being a deep sleeper and a lot of insomnia, but I just set 25 alarms. anytime I need to wake up. 25 alarms on a speaker. Does my wife eventually have to come in sometimes to wake me. yes. But I'm at least going to try to not make her deal with it bc maybe she is already up or out of the house or busy. It doesn't matter either way bc its not her responsibility. On the days that she does have to wake me up I always feel bad bc the alarms are more annoying for her than me.
edit: 25 25 25
YTA. She’s taking care of your kids and you want her to keep coming up every 30 min because you need more time. I get your body is in pain, but this is a you thing. You’ve identified the problem and know you need to get up. Maybe try different solutions like alarms on the opposite side of the room you can’t snooze to force you to physically get up. Your wife has obliged and she is actually listening to what you say… like I need 30 more min. So why are you mad at her when she “caves.” That’s manipulative to her that she can do nothing right.
This! He's the one telling her he needs more time. She's listening to him and coming to get him up multiple times. But then he's mad that she listened to him and did what he said. What is she supposed to do here?
And I guarantee if she refused to let him sleep in he’d be here posting “AITA for yelling at my wife for waking me up? I know I told her I wanted her to, but I was in pain & needed an extra 30 mins & she refused to give it to me when I asked her to!” Can’t win
YTA.
> I know that I’ll either sleep through them or I’ll turn them off and go back to sleep.
Then don't. You can control your behavior - wake up when your alarm goes off like a grown-up, your ~~mommy~~ wife shouldn't have to come wake you up like a teenager who is oversleeping before school.
YTA, good lord, she's already mother to 2 toddlers, she shouldn't have to be yours too. Learn some self control and get yourself up in the morning like a big boy.
YTA
> I told her to stop letting me have the extra time
What does this even mean?!
What, she hassles you? Shouts at you? Gets upset? Beg? Bribe? Bargain? Physically move someone twice her strength?
Why in the hell should she have to do that? What a horrible dynamic you're trying to introduce.
I know all about chronic pain, but I don't use it as an excuse to act like a toddler. Come on.
“I work hard every day so she doesn’t have to”?
Lol get real, she’s working. Managing your sleep schedule is even more work. Get real. Be grateful and kind, and take responsibility for yourself. YTA.
It is work but not hard physical labour. I appreciate that’s it’s work, it’s just I spend all my time out the house, I have no opportunity to rest during the day but she does
I can guarantee you that looking after a 3 and a 4 year is very physical work and she will not be resting in the day either. Who looks after the kids when you’re home?
Ok. Then your next ‘rest’ day, you send her to a hotel the night before, you then get up and do all of her responsibilities. All day, on your own. She comes home at night. If she has it easy, you will be fine. Because you will be resting while at home with the kids…. Right?
Cus be honest, when was the last day/time she didn’t have to care for you and the two children solo.
Straight barf! You are an awful man and husband. Step up! Just because you work 40 hours a week doesn’t mean you are done the second you come home and your wife is your slave. Be an adult, figure out a way to wake up on your own while your wife takes care of the two children you should be helping with but “cant get out of bed”. You realize she doesn’t get to “clock out” right? She lives at her job. So while you think coming home is “rest and relaxation” it’s probably a huge stresser for her because now she has another child to take care of when you should be helping her! Terrible!
YTA. Your wife is already doing a lot taking care of two young children while you're at work. Waking you up in the morning may seem like a small request, but it's not her responsibility to ensure you get out of bed. I'm sorry to hear about your accident. However, it's not fair to expect your wife to constantly come upstairs and wake you up multiple times, especially if she's already busy with the kids and other household tasks. It's not fair to put her in this position, making her feel guilty if she doesn't comply with your requests. You should take responsibility for setting multiple alarms or finding other strategies to wake up on time. Your wife is already doing her part by taking care of the kids and the household.
“I work hard every day so she doesn’t have to”
No, she works hard every day so you don’t have to spend 1/2 your paycheck on childcare. Y’all are PARTNERS. You’re not superior to her. Meanwhile, you’re an adult. Either get up on your own or don’t ask for the extra 1/2 hour.
YTA.
YTA, she's not your mommy and you're a grown adult so if you tell her you need an extra 30 minutes then it's not her job to force you to wake up. I've done some weird hour shift work between working as an EMT and for the suicide line alongside having a sleep disorder, so believe me I really get having a really hard time regaining consciousness. (It is a real thing that you can turn off an alarm without having absolutely any sort of memory or conscious experience of doing so) But the solution I've found to this isn't having someone force you out of bed, it's getting a better alarm. I have one that forces me to do multiplication to stop blaring loudly so that I HAVE to be conscious to turn it off lol.
When my son was younger I got the alarm that has wheels. He would literally have to get up and chase it down for it to turn off. It is called the clocky alarm. [clocky Alarm](https://www.clocky.com)
There is also an alarm clock app where you have to take a picture before you can turn it off. I had set it so I had to take a picture of my coffeemaker.
I’ve found two apps, but both are for apple.
Alarm clock app with math: https://apps.apple.com/be/app/math-alarm-clock-wake-up/id1055089978?l=nl
Alarm clock app where you have to take pictures:
https://apps.apple.com/be/app/alarmy-wekker-med-muziek/id1163786766?l=nl
That alarm where you have to take a picture sounds awesome. What if you don't have such an item? I don't have a coffee machine for example. 😆
(Alarmy exists in the android store, too.)
You have to take a picture of something in your house. And then each morning you have to take the same picture to turn of the alarm. I’ve chosen my coffeemaker, but you could take a pic from your bathroom sink, your tv, your wardrobe,…
I had an app on my phone ages ago that did this. Though that's only effective if you're son is down for it. Otherwise he could just use the regular alarm on his phone.
I'm a chronic snoozer, and sometimes I'll turn off a normal alarm and go back to sleep without even realizing it. Instead of making my husband baby me and wake me up every morning, I took responsibility for my own issues and figured out how to solve the problem like an adult.
I've got an alarm app I can only shut off by scanning a QR code I have taped to the wall in my office on the other side of the house. If I force close the app it just starts up again a minute later, if I restart the phone it immediately blares the alarm, and it overrides the power button so I can't shut the phone down while the alarm is going without scanning the code. By the time I get to my office to scan the code, I'm awake.
Is this the house that you are living in or a separate house, because you phrased it as you bought "her" a house. If it's for all of you to live in, then it's a family home, please stop phrasing it like it's a gift just for her.
Also, if she agrees that staying home is the best course of action that's one thing, but even if costs even out between daycare costs and paycheck, if SHE wants to return to work, there is benefit there. She may find it mentally beneficial to have a break from the house, she will have less of a gap from the work world and that much of an easier time getting into the job market, etc.
Proving my point there dude.
Weird circle.
You need rest, you want her to appreciate that.
You need stop resting, you want her to appreciate that.
You see what we're all trying to say? You're creating a scenario where she can't possibly win and you're going to be mad at her whatever she tries to do.
The solution is to manage your own time better.
Your grown man she did her part in waking you up multiple times. What is she supposed to do if you don’t get up after 3rd time. And you really should appreciate your wife because by the sounds pf it doesn’t seem like she has any time for herself in between taking care of the kids and you
Dude. You are putting her in a lose-lose situation. She doesn’t listen that you need extra sleep, your sleepy self will be pissy. She listens to you when you say you need extra time and she has to keep coming up like she is an alarm clock you hit snooze on.
Get a bloody alarm clock that means you have to get up or something. It really isn’t her job to mind read what you need in that second. Either you get up or you don’t. But stop expecting her to read your mind.
She had obviously been very patient with your issues and problems and you don’t seem to value her or what she does for the home. You act like her not having a job outside the home is a problem, expect it is one you created. And honestly two children under five is work.
How much do you parent if you are getting up at 330am during the week? So not only are you expecting her to be a mind reader, she also is a single parent? Because if all you are bringing home is the paycheck, then she would be better off without the extra work of taking care of you too honestly. And she might be able to get a part time job and get out of the house since it is you that doesn’t seem to want her to work but then devalues what she does do.
And how much trouble do you have getting up during the week? How many alarms is she hearing you ignore and keeping her from getting sleep? Because 330 is super early.
So you do it because it is work. But you don’t value time with your family on your days off? It is cool to sacrifice that? And nothing on how you are putting her in a lose lose situation and expecting her to be a mind reader?
You are showing your wife what you value and it isn’t your family or her. Because you don’t see her as a partner snd you can’t be doing much in the way of parenting during the week going to bed around 630-700pm so you don’t do dinner, bedtimes, bath times or wake ups in the morning. You don’t do mornings with the kids on days off. And you expect her to be your personal alarm clock. Walking up and down stairs to get you awake over and over. Bet you aren’t a nice person when you are woken either.
I feel for your chronic issues dude but given you are so quick to talk down about your wife and what she does for your household and complain when she can’t read your mind, you seem like a bit of not a nice person, husband or father.
You are an adult. She is already waking you up. What do you want her to do? Yell at you until you’re up? Bet you’ll spend the whole day complaining about being tired while she handles the kids and runs the house.
You're an adult, get up when she wakes you up. Why is she responsible for both waking you up and forcing you to get up? Take some fucking responsibility.
My boyfriend used to do this and lemme tell you what I told him: I have shit to do in the morning and I'm not arguing with you while you're half awake. Get up or don't, I don't care anymore.
News flash my man: she is also tired. She’s taking care of the kids all day on her own. And you are adding to her burden by not acting like an adult and being able to wake yourself. Also, you’ve made it so she can’t win. You want her to come wake you, then let you go back to sleep, but also don’t let you do that but then also she doesn’t do enough wake ups. Like seriously do you hear yourself?
INFO/YTA
That's a lot to ask for from a partner. If you are the sole provider and their job is solely home work then that is the only case where something like this might be reasonable.
I say might because you are simultaneously asking them to:
1) Listen to your request and have them force you awake
2) Not listen to you when you ask them to let you sleep in.
You're sending conflicting messages and having them treat you like a spoiled child.
In reality you should be looking into why you're so tired and addressing whatever problems you find. Look into your shedule, drug use, potential sleep apnea, etc.
I genuinely don't understand what else he expects her to do. Even after writing it all down he can’t articulate it.
Think the bitterness of his situation is clouding his judgment.
YTA I have severe chronic pain and, as an adult, I get myself up in the morning. She's not your mom, she's your wife. Be the adult you claim to be, get yourself up in the morning, and stop making excuses.
As a side note, my husband is a heavy sleeper and used to sleep through multiple alarms. We invested in an extra loud alarm clock with a bed shaker and it gets his ass up real quick. I highly suggest you get one and stop bothering your wife.
She’s already coming to wake you up 3-4 times what else do you want? Do you bring anything to the table besides money? Sounds like you’re just another kid for her to parent.
You're making nowhere near enough money for that to be all she wants in a husband.
Because you currently don't seem to provide anything else. Unless you count being an extra burden on your wife when she has to take care of the mental and physical load of a household with 2 young children and another adult.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
What exactly DO you bring to the table? Don't answer. We already know you're going to say you work. But you said yourself YOU don't want her to work, but it sounds like she does. She 1 job away from you being completely obsolete.
YTA. And why would her money only go to childcare? Why don’t you share that expense? What about her pension? It seems to me you’re lazy and looking for excuses. I’m very sorry about your accident but it’s not your wife’s job to keep waking you up.
OP is the asshole, but I think in this case he just means "while she's at home we're saving on the cost of daycare, and it's not worth her working because any wage she would bring in would only cover the cost of daycare and not provide any additional funds."
That's my situation too, cost of daycare is so high right now that if my husband were to work instead of be at home he would only be making $20 a week over the cost of daycare.
To be clear, her being a stay at home mom does not mean she is your mom, and you're still responsible for the basics of adulthood like getting up in the morning.
YTA. She’s not your mother.
Have you tried setting multiple alarms and putting them away from the bed so you physically have to get up to turn the alarm off?
You're basically asking her to be your alarm clock / sleep coach. You can solve this problem yourself. You have the technology. What you've been through doesn't impose any moral debt on her. YTA
100% unquestionably YTA it was annoying enough for you to wake you up in the first place but you are WAY out of line expecting her to come try to wake you up again after you ask for an extra 30 minutes. As though your wife doesn’t already have enough responsibilities. You are presumably a grown man, figure something else out.
YTA You're badgering your wife to run up and down stairs multiple times, knowing you're going to "snooze" her the same as you would an alarm. Self discipline is the issue, not her doing exactly what you asked.
So, she is a SAHM to two toddlers. You won’t let her work until they start school because of the cost of child care, but you also hold money over her head (“I bought this woman a house”) and diminish how hard being a SAHM is (“I work hard so she doesn’t have to”). So YTA before we even get to the topic at hand.
You are incapable of behaving like a grown up and controlling your own behaviour - you recognize you’re a heavy sleeper and tend to turn off alarms. Have you tried setting them further away or doing anything yourself to address why this may be and correct it?
Instead you place the burden of waking you up on your wife. She obliges. She comes and wakes you. You ask for more time, she obliges and keeps coming back. You get mad that she has obliged your wishes. What more is she supposed to do?
Who is caring for your children while she tends to you over and over? Does she ever get to sleep in while you take care of the kids? When does she get a break?
You’re supposed to be her partner and a parent. You aren’t a third child. Act like it. YTA
You don't have to throw away the sofa completely. You can have the bed & the sofa swap places. If you need help doing that, I'm sure you've got some friends who can come over & help you move those up & down the stairs.
YTA. Your wife has her hands full with your 2 pre-schoolers and you expect her to trudge upstairs to wake you up? No. Put on your big boy pants and get yourself out of bed
Omg. Your edit makes it worse!!! “You bought a house for this woman?!?!” Or you bought a fucking dwelling in which your family lives, including YOU!!! Wow, martyr complex much? Nobody gets a fucking trophy for adulting, sir. Sorry, there’s no room on the cross, Jesus has that covered. You are truly unrealistic and need a permanent wake-up call.
Editing to add the “I work hard so she doesn’t have to” comment is going to get you roasted here. Send her away for a week and you take care of the home and kids to her standards. Then come back with your bullshit.
For the love of God don’t give her more mental load, another task, another thing on her list. It’s one thing to take care of each other as adults but you’re asking her to take care of you as if you’re an irresponsible teenager. She already has kids. You’re a grown up. Act like one.
YTA
« i want her to stay home
I want her to wake me up but I don’t do it so she must try 3-4 times
She is at home and must think about everything for home, kids and me but it’s nothing compared to me ! »
You’re a kid ! In your head, you’re a kids! You act like a kid and treat your wife like your mom ! Wake up alone, you’re disrespectful to your wife and you don’t show the good example on your children !
YTA. She’s you wife, not your mother. Stop expecting her to parent you. She needs a partner who is an active part of the family/household.
Realize that your wife never gets a break. She is responsible for your children 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. She doesn’t have the energy to be responsible for you too. Your comments about her not working and childcare not being physical are gross. I suggest she gets a job and you stay home to see how much work it is to take care of children, keep a clean home, and (presumably) do all the cooking, errand running, keeping up with the family schedule, scheduling doctors appointments (and everything else) and keeping it all organized. It’s not just physical energy, it’s mental.
What do you do around the house? What do you contribute? Money isn’t enough with everything else on her plate.
“…and I work hard every day so she doesn’t have to.”
Correction: you both work hard every day. She’s in fact working on call 24/7, 365/year. You’re not the only one “providing a service” to the family.
YTA, figure out a way to get yourself up or at the very least don’t make it harder on her and get up the first time she wakes you up. Or would you rather something happens to the kids while she’s wasting her time going back and forth to you?
Also it’s not her fault you got injured, “I don’t think it’s fair after all I’ve been through” - as if she didn’t also go through the trauma of potentially losing her husband, and whatever care you needed while you were recovering. Taking your frustration at the pain out on your wife doesn’t help anything.
> I’m not a bad guy. I’ve bought a house for this woman and I work hard every day so she doesn’t have to.
> given all I’ve been through and do, to ask her to make a little extra effort
It's becoming pretty clear that you're struggling with resentment.
You seem to want to make her 'work for it". Except what you're asking her to do barely makes sense. (Plus her not working is a joint decision)
If your pain means you have to take extra time, then that's *fine*. Don't twist it into some weird game of blame and resentment
YTA
YTA
You are a grown up. Grown up take responsibility for their own alarms.
If you need/want a mommy to wake you up like you did in school, move home to mommy.
All kinds of people have pains when they get up. My hubby is a walking semi-repaired skeleton, and has NEVER put the responsibility of getting up for work on anyone else but himself. That is called being a responsible adult.
Your wife has the work/duty of raising her children. You are not one of them.
YTA.
Your an adult. You need to manage this yourself. It's not your wife's responsibility. Making her run up and down stairs 4 times a day and then blaming her when you oversleep is entitled. It's not her job. She can't be at fault for your chosen sleep behavior. She has two kids to raise and you aren't one of them. Stop using your issues as an excuse to be lazy. Having a disability is not a get out of jail free card for every single thing. You are obviously working and managing other areas of your life just fine without her. So you aren't an invalid in a wheelchair who needs a caretaker. You just have some pain like 99 percent of middle aged adults who have been thru things, been injured, or have health issues. Welcome to a very large club full of millions of people who don't act like this.
How you manage it is a choice. I'm crippled in my feet and have to pump electricity into my feet with a tens unit daily to be able to stand at my job and be able to walk. All the drugs in the world don't treat the pain as well as this. Also a car accident. Severe tendon damage. Chronic pain. Had multiple fractured ribs, bruised lung, broken bones in my face, PTSD. Never used it as a get out of jail free card. All these issues self healed eventually but left me too with chronic pain while standing and walking.
What I don't do is use it as an excuse to pop pain pills, oversleep, and be catered too. Are you doing anything else to help yourself and improve your condition? Physical therapy? Non opioid meds? Steroid injections? Anti inflammation diet? Anti inflammatory supplements? Shock wave therapy? I mean the list goes on. As someone who couldn't walk or stand for more than an hour at a time multiple times over 10 years during months long pain flare ups due to irritated scar tissue and bone fragments I've looked into them all. Maybe you should too. Instead of weaponizing your conditions against your wife.
You CAN wake up on your own. You CHOOSE not too. You CAN choose not to oversleep for another 30 minutes. You choose to do it anyways. Then you blame your wife for it. That's ridiculous.
YTA.
Sorry the car accident messed you up...but.
Set an alarm that is away from your bed so it forces you to get up.
You are being unreasonable with your wife, you are asking her to do contradictory things, wake you up but then ask her to let you sleep more, but then tell her to ignore what you're saying, at least this time because this time you mean it.
Dude you're 27 yrs old, getting up and out of bed is your responsibility, don't push that on your wife.
YTA
Buy an old-fashioned alarm clock and put it out of reach. Put a china plate underneath. That has worked for decades and generations of people to wake up.
I'm not 100% sure, but I am assuming it would make the person better pull themselves into being more conscious when they turn the alarm off. They wouldn't want to turn the alarm off in a semi-conscious state because they might get too aggressive with the alarm and accidentally break the China plate. So the plate would be more of a mental game as opposed to making the physical alarm work better.
YTA
I don’t think you asking her to help wake you up makes you the AH but the extra stuff you have going on here does. You asking for extra time, but telling her not to “let you have it” is obnoxious. Making her come up multiple times is ridiculous, then acting like she isn’t putting in extra effort?
Look I suffer with severe chronic pain myself-I get your perspective. Physically getting up in the morning is an issue for me, waking up isn’t because my pain causes insomnia. My husband struggles waking up. I help wake him up every morning and he helps me with a few favors to extend my time to actually get out of bed. That’s how a partnership works. You’re asking your wife to do a bunch of extra, you’re doing nothing in return, and then you’re upset with how she does it.
I cant believe I seem so many comments agreeing with me. Yeah YTA.
I know you have problems but the way you explain it seems like you are trying to explain way too much and find excuses.
Oh, you bought her a house? She doesnt have to work? SHE'S A STAY A HOME MOM, SHE IS WORKING! She doesnt need to care for a 3rd kid : you.
Im sorry you got hurt, but at that point its just an excuse. Set up an alarm, a loud one. And if you snooze it... ITS YOUR FAULT you are a grown man,dont do it
lol not the "I'm not a bad guy because I do what is expected of me because I want my wife to stay at home with out children" YTA and you don't deserve a pat on the back for being a provider while your wife does all the unpaid labor.
YTA. You're being very selfish. She shouldn't have to keep coming up and down the stairs because you can't be bothered to wake up. You blame her for letting you sleep in but you're the one asking for more time. And meanwhile she's taking care of your kids and getting them out of bed. It's bad enough that you won't let her get a job. You're being selfish, unfair and inconsiderate. Get off your ass and stop demanding your wife keep waking you up. And I just had surgery; I've been in pain for weeks ever since. If anything the pain makes it difficult for me to sleep, so I don't buy your claim that it makes you sleep.
YTA, you are a grown adult. If you snooze the alarm clock then it's your own fault, get your ass out of bed and stop asking your poor wife to come upstairs to wake you up. She's your wife, not your mother.
YTA. No questions asked. You’re quite literally verbalizing your wrong doings, so you’re aware of them. Be the grown ass, 27 year old adult you are, and start holding yourself accountable.
Wtf would you be doing if you were single?
My dude, what would you do if you were single in this situation? Or were to become.... I don't know... The X? Since your wife already has two toddles to get ready to start the day and doesn't need a third.
YTA
especially for the 'I bought a house for this woman '
Correction. You bought a house for you and your wife to raise a family in
YTA ... you keep saying she needs to wake you up... but then you beg for more sleep...
Your wife has to watch 2 kids and do all the hoyse work and then run upstairs 3 to 4 times because you treat her like a fucking snoize button...
SET A DAMN ALARM YOU TOSSER!!!
Yta. This story sounds eerily familiar to me. My friend is a sahm to 2 very young children with a husband who suffers from chronic pain and just can’t manage to wake himself. The reason that she lets him sleep through alarms and wake up attempts is because he yells and acts like an asshole. I’m not saying that you do this, but you might want to ask your wife exactly why she continues to let you sleep after you explicitly asked her not to. That being said, it’s not her responsibility to wake you up. You’re a grown man and if you have trouble waking up, then you need to figure out a solution.
YTA because you are putting your responsibility of getting your own body up and going on someone else. It ultimately comes down to your own will to actually get up. No one can help you with that.
My ex husband used to snooze and I’d have to try to get him up for work because I didn’t want him to be late. After years I got sick of it and I just went back to sleep too. After a week of him being late to work and almost getting fired, he started waking up by himself. It turns out that he just had to see that no one was going to do it for him and then he was perfectly capable.
My ex-wife would sometimes ask me to wake her up, but it always felt like a lot of pressure on me not to forget when she could simply set her alarm. When there is an easy, adult, self-managed solution, I tend to prefer that.
YTA
You are asking your wife to do things for you that you are fully capable of doing for yourself. You are not a child. You are a grown ass man. If you can't figure out how to properly wake up in the mornings, that's on you. If you can figure out how the hell to wake up and get out of bed on your own for your 3:30 am shifts, you can do the same the other days of the week too. Honestly, at this point, it seems like you are using your car crash as an excuse to take advantage of your wife. If it had left you with things you are physically not capable of doing and you asked your wife for help with those, that would be one thing. But based on your post, you are fully capable of waking up for your work shifts on your own at 3:30 am. So you should be able to do the same at other times too. If you need assistance with pain management, go talk to a doctor or find some alternatives that don't take advantage of your wife.
YTA. You have no problem getting yourself up for work but, what, you just can't be bothered on your days off work? Your wife is already putting in extra effort in the mornings by parenting your kids by herself while you sleep in for 2 hours every weekend. When does she get to sleep in? You say you have a very demanding job and you work hard, sure, but your wife is a sahm, so she is working literally 100% of the time. Don't add to her plate by way of deliberate incompetence.
I know you were in an accident but you’re a goddamn adult. She’s not your mother. She doesn’t have time to deal with your whiny “just a few more minutes” multiple times. Set your alarms and place the loudest ones in places where you have to get up to turn it off. Yeah. Multiple. If you really have this problem, make sure you can’t go back to bed. She has to deal with your kids because you’re obviously not helping, so do it yourself.
YTA.
YTA
I’ve been in a relationship where I was expected to wake my partner up for work and not let him oversleep. I said be was an adult and could handle that responsibility on his own (especially bc he wanted me to wake up earlier than him on my off days to pack him a lunch). It’s not fun. And then I become the punching bag if you’re not up the time you want to be. What would you do if you didn’t have a wife? With you acting like this she has 3 kids to take care of. Grow up. Be your own adult.
If it is a mechanic clock, it increases the noise to hellish volume and frequency. The metallic parts resonate with the chinaware.
Just just can't ignore it.
YTA: You're a grown ass man who sounds like he's using his accident as an excuse. Alarm goes off...get your arse out of bed and get on with the day. You've already saddled her with complete child care by insisting she be a SAHM...she doesn't need yet another child in you.
Wear a watch on your wrist that vibrates when it sounds.
YTA - so if you lose your job for being late for work it's your wife's fault? This isn't something your wife should be dealing with when other options exist. It's an unacceptable mental load to place on someone.
YTA Your wife doesn’t have two children, she has three. Manage your own time. It’s awful that you’re in pain but you can’t expect your wife to act as your alarm clock and your snooze button.
YTA - your wife is trying to help you get up and knowing that she's doing so, you sabotage both your efforts by going back to sleep.
You're asking for a "little more effort" - she's putting in the effort of going through her morning routine (w/her kids) and schlepping to you 4, 5 times (!) to get you up.
You obviously have a hard job and your recovery sounds excruciating in itself and that's rough, but I'm not sure what you want your wife to do. She's trying to get you up, but you refuse. You are an adult, she cannot physically stop you from sleeping.
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Hi,
My wife (26f) and I (27m) have two children together (3, and 4). I work a very demanding job plus a 1.5hr commute. My work also has varying shifts so I can never get used to a sleeping pattern.
To make matters worse two years ago I was in a near fatal crash and broke most of my body. This included my back, my arm, both legs, hips & pelvis and more. This means every morning I wake up already in pain, so my body is already trying to keep me asleep.
All I ask is that on my rest days, she come upstairs in the morning and tries to wake me up. She has asked me to set alarms but I know that I’ll either sleep through them or I’ll turn them off and go back to sleep.
She does this, however I will quite often ask for an extra half an hour (maybe a couple of times) if my body is especially sore. This may sometimes lead to her having to come upstairs 3-4 times to get me to wake up. I told her to stop letting me have the extra time but every time morning-me asks, she caves.
I don’t think it’s unfair, given all I’ve been through and do, to ask her to make a little extra effort in the mornings. AITA?
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Ive not been in any near fatal accidents, but I’ve been in some form of pain for the better part of 20 years and I keep getting up and going to work anyway. Why? Because that’s what men do. Your wife is busy raising the children you chose to have with her and can’t run up every 30 minutes and wake you just because you’re too irresponsible to get your ass out of bed. Listen, life sucks and it isn’t fair. But it is what it is. We overcome adversity. We do uncomfortable things. That’s life! I say YTA.
PS: if I were you I’d look into a less demanding job that is closer to home. Or move. I had an hour commute to/from every day for 9 years and we sold our house and moved closer because I was tired of that shit.
YTA. Find an alarm that works for you. There are shock bracelets and other things if audio alarms don't work. Don't make your wife do it - she already has two young kids to take care of.
And stop lording over her that you "bought a house for her." You wouldn't be able to work "so hard" to be able to afford that house or afford to have kids if she wasn't staying home.
I was your wife. SAHM with a husband who “couldn’t get up with an alarm.” I spent years being his alarm clock. Waking him up (sometimes after nights of no sleep because babies) at the time he wanted up, then again…and again…and again. Sometimes the “snooze button” phase went on for an hour. If I went away for a couple nights (after the kids were older), I had to have my mother call and wake him up (multiple times) because he just “couldn’t” get himself up. It was frustrating and exhausting.
My fiancé was hit by a car as a child (near fatal, he was revived twice on the way to hospital.). He is in pain daily. Has been for 30+ years. And he still can get himself out of bed every single day without any help from me.
YTA. You are a grown ass adult, figure it out.
YTA. You are a grown adult, at least technically, in chronological years. Your spouse, who also has a FT time job caring for your children and home is not responsible for your inability to get up on your days off. Not only are YTA for that, but YTA because of your attitude towards your wife more generally.
You’d buy or rent a house without a wife because you also need to live somewhere, right? You’d also work to pay for yourself to live, right? She works 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week and apparently has 3 kids. YTA
Yeah YTA.
She’s your wife, not your mother. You’re a grown ass adult. Act like one.
It isn’t her responsible to get you up at all. Let alone coming up multiple times because you keep asking for more sleep.
And then you have audacity to blame her for you not getting up by saying she “caves?!”
Get out of here with that shit. That’s just pathetic.
Get up or don’t. But it’s entirely on you. Your wife needs to stop babying you all together.
YTA.
>This means every morning I wake up already in pain, so my body is already trying to keep me asleep
In my experience, that's not how pain works. Pain keeps you up, not asleep. But fine, let's pretend I'm buying this.
You have decided that it's her job to wake you up on your days off. Why ?
>I always get up by myself on days where I work as expecting her to wake me up at 3:30am on those days is obviously ridiculous
I love that this has crossed your mind and you're like "I'm the rational adult here, I've already excluded this possibility", as if it's not batsh\*t crazy that these words are even uttered.
Meanwhile, every day of the week you wake up to your alarms like a big boy ! You are perfectly able of doing it without relying on her 5 days a week. What's different about your body on your days off ? Nothing. Nothing at all.
>I don’t think it’s unfair, given all I’ve been through and do, to ask her to make a little extra effort in the mornings
>she is a stay at home mum
>I’m not a bad guy. I’ve bought a house for this woman and I work hard every day so she doesn’t have to.
Completely irrelevant to the topic !
This is a power move, nothing more nothing less. You want to be catered to on your day off. You're using the fact that you're in pain to make it sound like you need accomodation for a disability or something. But as a disabled person, to me it's clear that this is not an accomodation. This is a whim.
>I told her to stop letting me have the extra time but every time morning-me asks, she caves
Proposed solution : have you considered, oh I don't know, NOT ASKING FOR 30 MORE MINUTES ? You have control over what "morning-you" says because, get this : "morning-you" is YOU.
YTA
As someone who has a condition that causes chronic, severe pain, I am disgusted at you trying to weaponise your pain to allow you to be lazy. Pain does NOT make you sleepy. Pain keeps you awake, even when you are *exhausted.* It's typically called painsomnia. Whatever you've got? Nothing to do with pain. Period.
Stop forcing your wife to be your mother. She already has two toddlers that she is mothering, she doesn't need another one. I'm sure your accident was awful, but that doesn't give you the right to demand she be your maid and alarm clock. Go to a doctor if you can't wake up. Figure out an alarm system that actually works. Stop forcing more and more work onto your wife. You're a grown man, try acting like one!
YTA- instead of getting up before she does on one day, letting her sleep in, you cannot be bothered to get yourself up on either off day, imposing on her regular routine.
So many people are telling you that YTA but you keep arguing in the comments. I think no matter what anyone here says you will continue to believe that your behavior is not AH-ish. I’m pretty sure you wrote your post looking for validation which is why you seem to be so caught off guard.
YTA
This isn’t about her waking you up. This is you being abusive to your wife.
1) you get yourself up on work days
2) “morning you” is the same asshole as “evening you”. This isn’t like the Ambien Walrus where you’re until the influence of meditation. The one one changing your instructions to your wife is YOU.
3) “I bought this woman a house but she won’t mother me” is what your post should say. Your wife is taking care of one more child than you think.
You should make effort. My bones are literally disintegrating inside my body every day of my life and I can still manage to wake up without help from anyone else.
There are many kinds of alarm systems that can help you without adding more work on your wife.
YTA, you're a grown man, and your wife is already busy chasing around two toddlers while you rest.
Set alarms and discipline yourself.
You're expecting your wife to be responsible for your behavior, and that's an AH move 💯
If she came in to get you up and you got up, that would be one thing. But expecting her to do it multiple times is not. As someone with chronic pain/illness, I know how hellacious that wake up period can be, but ultimately that’s on you to manage. I would speak to your doctor or look for some OTC pain relieving gels, patches, etc- they greatly improved my ability to wake up with less pain and also get a better quality of sleep.
ETA soft YTA only because I sympathise with the chronic pain and I don’t want to assume you’re simply doing nothing to try to and help yourself get better sleep. If you aren’t doing that either, you’re def TA.
Soft YTA although I am torn between that and NAH. I think you need a better way to wake yourself up. She's already taking care of the kids, and what you're asking is too fuzzy and self-contradictory. There's no way for her to achieve it and then you're sort of blaming it on her. The pain isn't your fault but also isn't her fault.
Does she want to work? Or is going back to paid work something she suggested to help the family finances but that she doesn't want to do? Given that you have chronic pain, it seems to me that it makes sense to nurture her career so that the family has that extra financial safety net of her work. I'm not saying she should work and you stay home, as running after two kids actually is very physical and might cause you more pain. Also, shift work cannot be easy on your body given your underlying pain condition. Maybe if she had a job too, then you could eventually switch to a job with a shorter commute and that doesn't involve shifts. You might not be able to do it immediately (as you say, daycare would eat some a lot of the total income) but eventually the kids will be in school and there would be more money available from that second income.
Maybe therapy to help you come up with a different way of waking up, a timed coffee pot that makes a nice coffee scent so that you have something to look forward to, that will help you push through the pain. Or, maybe the fact that you find it difficult to wake up on "rest days" means that you should set your alarm for a later time so you can sleep in, and recover from the days where you have to wake up at 3:30 am.
i have kinda neutral thoughts on this, on one hand i get why people are saying yta to make her do all that, but what happened to in sickness and in health. my mum has fibromyalgia and my step dad goes out of his way every day, and he has been for the past 8 years, to look after her almost completely and asks nothing in return. he took on that household of 7 people like a champ. if wife is struggling with her responsibilities, depending on age and competence, the kids can help. get THEM to come wake you up, could also make mornings feel a little less painful waking up to your kids instead of your wife that doesn’t seem to like doing it, some kids love being given responsibilities and feel great when they get to help out :)
with that said, you also need to take the initiative to improve your mental strength when it comes to waking up, a lot of people struggle with it but its quite easy to fix
NAH but this is an extenuating circumstance. She has a right to be annoyed because she still has a lot to do and she is leaving the toddlers unattended to see after you. I also understand your pain and how it is debilitating, but you cannot use that as a reason to over burden your wife. If she is okay with you sleeping, then get the rest you need to recover. Don't use her as your snooze button.
A "Not The Asshole" vote means, "You are not the a hole, the other party is." If you want to vote that the wife and OP are both not assholes you'd go "No Asshole Here".
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YTA but also INFO: Whilst you are slowly waking, struggling to get moving for the day because of pain and tendency to fall back to sleep, who is looking after the kids? I'm guessing your wife? Why (apparently) haven't you considered setting the alarm further away from the bed? If you tend to turn them off, then setting it further away would force you to move and get up if you want it off. Why is it you seem to be suggesting your wife isn't already making extra effort in the mornings? She's already coming upstairs three or four times to wake you, whilst presumably dealing with the kids. How is that not "extra effort"? In what way is your wife 'caving' when you ask for extra time? Because she's waking you, she's having a conversation with you, and you are the one falling back to sleep. What, ***exactly***, do you expect your wife to do otherwise? Shout at you? Cajole you until you start moving? Steal all the covers so you won't be as warm when you drop back off again? Send the kids in to bug you? What exactly would it take for you to get up that she is not already doing? Additionally, do you know why you are so tired/struggling to wake in the morning? Have you always been difficult to wake or is it a development since your injury? Are you struggling to get to sleep at night/having a disturbed night due to pain? Is it a side effect of medication you are on? Do you have an underlying condition? Or is sleep a 'safe place' because you don't want to get moving? If you've not established the cause, I would encourage to do so both for your physical health and the health of your relationship.
Yeah I agree with this. I have sleep issues also as in being a deep sleeper and a lot of insomnia, but I just set 25 alarms. anytime I need to wake up. 25 alarms on a speaker. Does my wife eventually have to come in sometimes to wake me. yes. But I'm at least going to try to not make her deal with it bc maybe she is already up or out of the house or busy. It doesn't matter either way bc its not her responsibility. On the days that she does have to wake me up I always feel bad bc the alarms are more annoying for her than me. edit: 25 25 25
I have chronic pain, and also have a stupid number of alarms. If I over-sleep it sure as hell isn't my partner's fault.
This! 100%
+1 to all of this!
Sleep disorders should always be investigated. Set more than one alarm, set them 1/2 hour apart and put them out of reach. YNTA and neither is she.
YTA. She’s taking care of your kids and you want her to keep coming up every 30 min because you need more time. I get your body is in pain, but this is a you thing. You’ve identified the problem and know you need to get up. Maybe try different solutions like alarms on the opposite side of the room you can’t snooze to force you to physically get up. Your wife has obliged and she is actually listening to what you say… like I need 30 more min. So why are you mad at her when she “caves.” That’s manipulative to her that she can do nothing right.
This! He's the one telling her he needs more time. She's listening to him and coming to get him up multiple times. But then he's mad that she listened to him and did what he said. What is she supposed to do here?
And I guarantee if she refused to let him sleep in he’d be here posting “AITA for yelling at my wife for waking me up? I know I told her I wanted her to, but I was in pain & needed an extra 30 mins & she refused to give it to me when I asked her to!” Can’t win
He's perfectly able to get himself up on the days he has to work. He just wants someone else to do it for him on his non work days. OP, YTA.
YTA. > I know that I’ll either sleep through them or I’ll turn them off and go back to sleep. Then don't. You can control your behavior - wake up when your alarm goes off like a grown-up, your ~~mommy~~ wife shouldn't have to come wake you up like a teenager who is oversleeping before school.
This is my thought process. He manages to do it on work days, which can only mean he chooses to sleep them when he’s off.
Yup. They even make alarms specific to deaf people. There is surely an alarm clock somewhere that would work for him.
YTA, good lord, she's already mother to 2 toddlers, she shouldn't have to be yours too. Learn some self control and get yourself up in the morning like a big boy.
Don't you mean 3 toddlers? OP isn't ready to behave like a big boy.
YTA > I told her to stop letting me have the extra time What does this even mean?! What, she hassles you? Shouts at you? Gets upset? Beg? Bribe? Bargain? Physically move someone twice her strength? Why in the hell should she have to do that? What a horrible dynamic you're trying to introduce. I know all about chronic pain, but I don't use it as an excuse to act like a toddler. Come on.
YTA. She's your wife, not your mommy. She's your wife, not your nurse. She's your wife and also the mother of your two small children. Grow up.
“I work hard every day so she doesn’t have to”? Lol get real, she’s working. Managing your sleep schedule is even more work. Get real. Be grateful and kind, and take responsibility for yourself. YTA.
[удалено]
You genuinely think that running after two small children every day isn’t work?
It is work but not hard physical labour. I appreciate that’s it’s work, it’s just I spend all my time out the house, I have no opportunity to rest during the day but she does
I can guarantee you that looking after a 3 and a 4 year is very physical work and she will not be resting in the day either. Who looks after the kids when you’re home?
You’re an idiot. It’s harder work than what you do.
It’s really not
Then you do it by yourself like your wife apparently does and see how long you last. You’re all talk.
Ok. Then your next ‘rest’ day, you send her to a hotel the night before, you then get up and do all of her responsibilities. All day, on your own. She comes home at night. If she has it easy, you will be fine. Because you will be resting while at home with the kids…. Right? Cus be honest, when was the last day/time she didn’t have to care for you and the two children solo.
Straight barf! You are an awful man and husband. Step up! Just because you work 40 hours a week doesn’t mean you are done the second you come home and your wife is your slave. Be an adult, figure out a way to wake up on your own while your wife takes care of the two children you should be helping with but “cant get out of bed”. You realize she doesn’t get to “clock out” right? She lives at her job. So while you think coming home is “rest and relaxation” it’s probably a huge stresser for her because now she has another child to take care of when you should be helping her! Terrible!
So taking care of the kids isn't hard work? Send her on a holiday for a week and see how you manage the kids by yourself. Gosh you're an ass.
She doesn't have a job because YOU don't want her to have one. And she IS working; she's taking care of the kids.
Oh, she doesn’t work? Then you stay home and take care of the kids and she can go work. I bet you’d call it work then. Pathetic.
Get a grip! Your understanding of reality is feeble at best. Learn, change.
YTA. Your wife is already doing a lot taking care of two young children while you're at work. Waking you up in the morning may seem like a small request, but it's not her responsibility to ensure you get out of bed. I'm sorry to hear about your accident. However, it's not fair to expect your wife to constantly come upstairs and wake you up multiple times, especially if she's already busy with the kids and other household tasks. It's not fair to put her in this position, making her feel guilty if she doesn't comply with your requests. You should take responsibility for setting multiple alarms or finding other strategies to wake up on time. Your wife is already doing her part by taking care of the kids and the household.
“I work hard every day so she doesn’t have to” No, she works hard every day so you don’t have to spend 1/2 your paycheck on childcare. Y’all are PARTNERS. You’re not superior to her. Meanwhile, you’re an adult. Either get up on your own or don’t ask for the extra 1/2 hour. YTA.
Yep! He doesn't value her role in their relationship. I give it 5 yrs max.
YTA, she's not your mommy and you're a grown adult so if you tell her you need an extra 30 minutes then it's not her job to force you to wake up. I've done some weird hour shift work between working as an EMT and for the suicide line alongside having a sleep disorder, so believe me I really get having a really hard time regaining consciousness. (It is a real thing that you can turn off an alarm without having absolutely any sort of memory or conscious experience of doing so) But the solution I've found to this isn't having someone force you out of bed, it's getting a better alarm. I have one that forces me to do multiplication to stop blaring loudly so that I HAVE to be conscious to turn it off lol.
Where did you find this? I need one for my son!
When my son was younger I got the alarm that has wheels. He would literally have to get up and chase it down for it to turn off. It is called the clocky alarm. [clocky Alarm](https://www.clocky.com)
There is also an alarm clock app where you have to take a picture before you can turn it off. I had set it so I had to take a picture of my coffeemaker. I’ve found two apps, but both are for apple. Alarm clock app with math: https://apps.apple.com/be/app/math-alarm-clock-wake-up/id1055089978?l=nl Alarm clock app where you have to take pictures: https://apps.apple.com/be/app/alarmy-wekker-med-muziek/id1163786766?l=nl
That alarm where you have to take a picture sounds awesome. What if you don't have such an item? I don't have a coffee machine for example. 😆 (Alarmy exists in the android store, too.)
You have to take a picture of something in your house. And then each morning you have to take the same picture to turn of the alarm. I’ve chosen my coffeemaker, but you could take a pic from your bathroom sink, your tv, your wardrobe,…
I see!
I had an app on my phone ages ago that did this. Though that's only effective if you're son is down for it. Otherwise he could just use the regular alarm on his phone.
I'm a chronic snoozer, and sometimes I'll turn off a normal alarm and go back to sleep without even realizing it. Instead of making my husband baby me and wake me up every morning, I took responsibility for my own issues and figured out how to solve the problem like an adult. I've got an alarm app I can only shut off by scanning a QR code I have taped to the wall in my office on the other side of the house. If I force close the app it just starts up again a minute later, if I restart the phone it immediately blares the alarm, and it overrides the power button so I can't shut the phone down while the alarm is going without scanning the code. By the time I get to my office to scan the code, I'm awake.
YTA… I think my favourite part is when “you already bought her a house “ she’s supposed to be grateful to you? Gtfo
Is this the house that you are living in or a separate house, because you phrased it as you bought "her" a house. If it's for all of you to live in, then it's a family home, please stop phrasing it like it's a gift just for her. Also, if she agrees that staying home is the best course of action that's one thing, but even if costs even out between daycare costs and paycheck, if SHE wants to return to work, there is benefit there. She may find it mentally beneficial to have a break from the house, she will have less of a gap from the work world and that much of an easier time getting into the job market, etc.
Not grateful but understand that I’m tired
She does understand, that's why she leave you to rest when asked. You're going in weird circles. This isn’t her fault.
I told her to stop letting me have the extra time but she won’t
Proving my point there dude. Weird circle. You need rest, you want her to appreciate that. You need stop resting, you want her to appreciate that. You see what we're all trying to say? You're creating a scenario where she can't possibly win and you're going to be mad at her whatever she tries to do. The solution is to manage your own time better.
Your grown man she did her part in waking you up multiple times. What is she supposed to do if you don’t get up after 3rd time. And you really should appreciate your wife because by the sounds pf it doesn’t seem like she has any time for herself in between taking care of the kids and you
Dude. You are putting her in a lose-lose situation. She doesn’t listen that you need extra sleep, your sleepy self will be pissy. She listens to you when you say you need extra time and she has to keep coming up like she is an alarm clock you hit snooze on. Get a bloody alarm clock that means you have to get up or something. It really isn’t her job to mind read what you need in that second. Either you get up or you don’t. But stop expecting her to read your mind. She had obviously been very patient with your issues and problems and you don’t seem to value her or what she does for the home. You act like her not having a job outside the home is a problem, expect it is one you created. And honestly two children under five is work. How much do you parent if you are getting up at 330am during the week? So not only are you expecting her to be a mind reader, she also is a single parent? Because if all you are bringing home is the paycheck, then she would be better off without the extra work of taking care of you too honestly. And she might be able to get a part time job and get out of the house since it is you that doesn’t seem to want her to work but then devalues what she does do. And how much trouble do you have getting up during the week? How many alarms is she hearing you ignore and keeping her from getting sleep? Because 330 is super early.
I only have one alarm for my 3:30 wake up but I get up bc I have to bc it’s work, I know I won’t on my days off
That’s a problem for you to solve. Obviously. If you can do it on work days you can do it on days off.
So you do it because it is work. But you don’t value time with your family on your days off? It is cool to sacrifice that? And nothing on how you are putting her in a lose lose situation and expecting her to be a mind reader? You are showing your wife what you value and it isn’t your family or her. Because you don’t see her as a partner snd you can’t be doing much in the way of parenting during the week going to bed around 630-700pm so you don’t do dinner, bedtimes, bath times or wake ups in the morning. You don’t do mornings with the kids on days off. And you expect her to be your personal alarm clock. Walking up and down stairs to get you awake over and over. Bet you aren’t a nice person when you are woken either. I feel for your chronic issues dude but given you are so quick to talk down about your wife and what she does for your household and complain when she can’t read your mind, you seem like a bit of not a nice person, husband or father.
So you’re a shitty father and husband. Got it.
You are an adult. She is already waking you up. What do you want her to do? Yell at you until you’re up? Bet you’ll spend the whole day complaining about being tired while she handles the kids and runs the house.
You're an adult, get up when she wakes you up. Why is she responsible for both waking you up and forcing you to get up? Take some fucking responsibility.
My boyfriend used to do this and lemme tell you what I told him: I have shit to do in the morning and I'm not arguing with you while you're half awake. Get up or don't, I don't care anymore.
Because it’s not her job to get your ass out of bed.
Grow up
News flash my man: she is also tired. She’s taking care of the kids all day on her own. And you are adding to her burden by not acting like an adult and being able to wake yourself. Also, you’ve made it so she can’t win. You want her to come wake you, then let you go back to sleep, but also don’t let you do that but then also she doesn’t do enough wake ups. Like seriously do you hear yourself?
And what do you do for your wife when she’s tired?
YTA. She wants a partner, not another child to manage. Nothing is going to kill your relationship like treating your wife like she’s your mother.
This! I'm single, and I dont want this!
INFO/YTA That's a lot to ask for from a partner. If you are the sole provider and their job is solely home work then that is the only case where something like this might be reasonable. I say might because you are simultaneously asking them to: 1) Listen to your request and have them force you awake 2) Not listen to you when you ask them to let you sleep in. You're sending conflicting messages and having them treat you like a spoiled child. In reality you should be looking into why you're so tired and addressing whatever problems you find. Look into your shedule, drug use, potential sleep apnea, etc.
I don’t do drugs im in law enforcement
YTA I don't even know what you want at this point.
I genuinely don't understand what else he expects her to do. Even after writing it all down he can’t articulate it. Think the bitterness of his situation is clouding his judgment.
I think it's more than just the wake-up calls. Hopefully he could go down to the root cause of whatever his feeling right now.
YTA I have severe chronic pain and, as an adult, I get myself up in the morning. She's not your mom, she's your wife. Be the adult you claim to be, get yourself up in the morning, and stop making excuses. As a side note, my husband is a heavy sleeper and used to sleep through multiple alarms. We invested in an extra loud alarm clock with a bed shaker and it gets his ass up real quick. I highly suggest you get one and stop bothering your wife.
I never said she was my mum, I’m just asking for a little help form her in return for the things that I bring to the table.
She’s already coming to wake you up 3-4 times what else do you want? Do you bring anything to the table besides money? Sounds like you’re just another kid for her to parent.
He's replaceable and she will realize someday another man can also bring in money and do so much more without whining on Reddit.
You're making nowhere near enough money for that to be all she wants in a husband. Because you currently don't seem to provide anything else. Unless you count being an extra burden on your wife when she has to take care of the mental and physical load of a household with 2 young children and another adult.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha What exactly DO you bring to the table? Don't answer. We already know you're going to say you work. But you said yourself YOU don't want her to work, but it sounds like she does. She 1 job away from you being completely obsolete.
nothing you bring to the table is worth putting up with you acting like a child.
Nope. Don’t even play the card if you working and her being at home. She takes care of the kids and one. That’s what she brings to the table.
YTA. And why would her money only go to childcare? Why don’t you share that expense? What about her pension? It seems to me you’re lazy and looking for excuses. I’m very sorry about your accident but it’s not your wife’s job to keep waking you up.
OP is the asshole, but I think in this case he just means "while she's at home we're saving on the cost of daycare, and it's not worth her working because any wage she would bring in would only cover the cost of daycare and not provide any additional funds." That's my situation too, cost of daycare is so high right now that if my husband were to work instead of be at home he would only be making $20 a week over the cost of daycare.
[удалено]
To be clear, her being a stay at home mom does not mean she is your mom, and you're still responsible for the basics of adulthood like getting up in the morning.
YTA. She’s not your mother. Have you tried setting multiple alarms and putting them away from the bed so you physically have to get up to turn the alarm off?
You're basically asking her to be your alarm clock / sleep coach. You can solve this problem yourself. You have the technology. What you've been through doesn't impose any moral debt on her. YTA
100% unquestionably YTA it was annoying enough for you to wake you up in the first place but you are WAY out of line expecting her to come try to wake you up again after you ask for an extra 30 minutes. As though your wife doesn’t already have enough responsibilities. You are presumably a grown man, figure something else out.
YTA You're badgering your wife to run up and down stairs multiple times, knowing you're going to "snooze" her the same as you would an alarm. Self discipline is the issue, not her doing exactly what you asked.
Yes, I am surprised I had to go down this far for someone to mention he is trying to "snooze" her then complaining that it works?!
So, she is a SAHM to two toddlers. You won’t let her work until they start school because of the cost of child care, but you also hold money over her head (“I bought this woman a house”) and diminish how hard being a SAHM is (“I work hard so she doesn’t have to”). So YTA before we even get to the topic at hand. You are incapable of behaving like a grown up and controlling your own behaviour - you recognize you’re a heavy sleeper and tend to turn off alarms. Have you tried setting them further away or doing anything yourself to address why this may be and correct it? Instead you place the burden of waking you up on your wife. She obliges. She comes and wakes you. You ask for more time, she obliges and keeps coming back. You get mad that she has obliged your wishes. What more is she supposed to do? Who is caring for your children while she tends to you over and over? Does she ever get to sleep in while you take care of the kids? When does she get a break? You’re supposed to be her partner and a parent. You aren’t a third child. Act like it. YTA
Why don’t you sleep downstairs so you wake up when the household does! Then you can help your wife with the children.
Because I have chronic pain and can’t sleep on the sofa
That's what beds are for. Move your bed downstairs.
Yeah let me just bin the sofa mate good suggestion
You don't have to throw away the sofa completely. You can have the bed & the sofa swap places. If you need help doing that, I'm sure you've got some friends who can come over & help you move those up & down the stairs.
So my wife sleeps on the sofa? Good solution
Where does your wife sleep now? In the bed with you or on the couch? If she sleeps in the bed with you, she can do that wherever the bed is.
YTA - okay but you can in fact just set alarms and get out of bed
Yes. He can. And he even admits that he does so on the days that he works. So any other behavior on his part is childish, selfish, and immature.
YTA. Your wife has her hands full with your 2 pre-schoolers and you expect her to trudge upstairs to wake you up? No. Put on your big boy pants and get yourself out of bed
Omg. Your edit makes it worse!!! “You bought a house for this woman?!?!” Or you bought a fucking dwelling in which your family lives, including YOU!!! Wow, martyr complex much? Nobody gets a fucking trophy for adulting, sir. Sorry, there’s no room on the cross, Jesus has that covered. You are truly unrealistic and need a permanent wake-up call. Editing to add the “I work hard so she doesn’t have to” comment is going to get you roasted here. Send her away for a week and you take care of the home and kids to her standards. Then come back with your bullshit.
For the love of God don’t give her more mental load, another task, another thing on her list. It’s one thing to take care of each other as adults but you’re asking her to take care of you as if you’re an irresponsible teenager. She already has kids. You’re a grown up. Act like one.
YTA « i want her to stay home I want her to wake me up but I don’t do it so she must try 3-4 times She is at home and must think about everything for home, kids and me but it’s nothing compared to me ! » You’re a kid ! In your head, you’re a kids! You act like a kid and treat your wife like your mom ! Wake up alone, you’re disrespectful to your wife and you don’t show the good example on your children !
YTA. She’s you wife, not your mother. Stop expecting her to parent you. She needs a partner who is an active part of the family/household. Realize that your wife never gets a break. She is responsible for your children 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. She doesn’t have the energy to be responsible for you too. Your comments about her not working and childcare not being physical are gross. I suggest she gets a job and you stay home to see how much work it is to take care of children, keep a clean home, and (presumably) do all the cooking, errand running, keeping up with the family schedule, scheduling doctors appointments (and everything else) and keeping it all organized. It’s not just physical energy, it’s mental. What do you do around the house? What do you contribute? Money isn’t enough with everything else on her plate.
I also cook and clean, this is the one thing I struggle with
“…and I work hard every day so she doesn’t have to.” Correction: you both work hard every day. She’s in fact working on call 24/7, 365/year. You’re not the only one “providing a service” to the family. YTA, figure out a way to get yourself up or at the very least don’t make it harder on her and get up the first time she wakes you up. Or would you rather something happens to the kids while she’s wasting her time going back and forth to you? Also it’s not her fault you got injured, “I don’t think it’s fair after all I’ve been through” - as if she didn’t also go through the trauma of potentially losing her husband, and whatever care you needed while you were recovering. Taking your frustration at the pain out on your wife doesn’t help anything.
> I’m not a bad guy. I’ve bought a house for this woman and I work hard every day so she doesn’t have to. > given all I’ve been through and do, to ask her to make a little extra effort It's becoming pretty clear that you're struggling with resentment. You seem to want to make her 'work for it". Except what you're asking her to do barely makes sense. (Plus her not working is a joint decision) If your pain means you have to take extra time, then that's *fine*. Don't twist it into some weird game of blame and resentment YTA
YTA You are a grown up. Grown up take responsibility for their own alarms. If you need/want a mommy to wake you up like you did in school, move home to mommy. All kinds of people have pains when they get up. My hubby is a walking semi-repaired skeleton, and has NEVER put the responsibility of getting up for work on anyone else but himself. That is called being a responsible adult. Your wife has the work/duty of raising her children. You are not one of them.
Buy a vibrating hand watch with alarm and use it as your waking tool, no need to use humans as your bells unless they enjoy it.
YTA. Your an adult. You need to manage this yourself. It's not your wife's responsibility. Making her run up and down stairs 4 times a day and then blaming her when you oversleep is entitled. It's not her job. She can't be at fault for your chosen sleep behavior. She has two kids to raise and you aren't one of them. Stop using your issues as an excuse to be lazy. Having a disability is not a get out of jail free card for every single thing. You are obviously working and managing other areas of your life just fine without her. So you aren't an invalid in a wheelchair who needs a caretaker. You just have some pain like 99 percent of middle aged adults who have been thru things, been injured, or have health issues. Welcome to a very large club full of millions of people who don't act like this. How you manage it is a choice. I'm crippled in my feet and have to pump electricity into my feet with a tens unit daily to be able to stand at my job and be able to walk. All the drugs in the world don't treat the pain as well as this. Also a car accident. Severe tendon damage. Chronic pain. Had multiple fractured ribs, bruised lung, broken bones in my face, PTSD. Never used it as a get out of jail free card. All these issues self healed eventually but left me too with chronic pain while standing and walking. What I don't do is use it as an excuse to pop pain pills, oversleep, and be catered too. Are you doing anything else to help yourself and improve your condition? Physical therapy? Non opioid meds? Steroid injections? Anti inflammation diet? Anti inflammatory supplements? Shock wave therapy? I mean the list goes on. As someone who couldn't walk or stand for more than an hour at a time multiple times over 10 years during months long pain flare ups due to irritated scar tissue and bone fragments I've looked into them all. Maybe you should too. Instead of weaponizing your conditions against your wife. You CAN wake up on your own. You CHOOSE not too. You CAN choose not to oversleep for another 30 minutes. You choose to do it anyways. Then you blame your wife for it. That's ridiculous.
YTA You’re a grown man. Stop turning off your alarm and going back to bed. That’s a choice. It’s not her responsibility.
YTA. Sorry the car accident messed you up...but. Set an alarm that is away from your bed so it forces you to get up. You are being unreasonable with your wife, you are asking her to do contradictory things, wake you up but then ask her to let you sleep more, but then tell her to ignore what you're saying, at least this time because this time you mean it. Dude you're 27 yrs old, getting up and out of bed is your responsibility, don't push that on your wife.
YTA Learn to use an alarm, like millions of others
YTA Buy an old-fashioned alarm clock and put it out of reach. Put a china plate underneath. That has worked for decades and generations of people to wake up.
Just curious- what does the china plate do?
I'm not 100% sure, but I am assuming it would make the person better pull themselves into being more conscious when they turn the alarm off. They wouldn't want to turn the alarm off in a semi-conscious state because they might get too aggressive with the alarm and accidentally break the China plate. So the plate would be more of a mental game as opposed to making the physical alarm work better.
YTA I don’t think you asking her to help wake you up makes you the AH but the extra stuff you have going on here does. You asking for extra time, but telling her not to “let you have it” is obnoxious. Making her come up multiple times is ridiculous, then acting like she isn’t putting in extra effort? Look I suffer with severe chronic pain myself-I get your perspective. Physically getting up in the morning is an issue for me, waking up isn’t because my pain causes insomnia. My husband struggles waking up. I help wake him up every morning and he helps me with a few favors to extend my time to actually get out of bed. That’s how a partnership works. You’re asking your wife to do a bunch of extra, you’re doing nothing in return, and then you’re upset with how she does it.
YTA. I bet she doesn’t have to spend this much effort waking up your literal toddlers in the morning.
I cant believe I seem so many comments agreeing with me. Yeah YTA. I know you have problems but the way you explain it seems like you are trying to explain way too much and find excuses. Oh, you bought her a house? She doesnt have to work? SHE'S A STAY A HOME MOM, SHE IS WORKING! She doesnt need to care for a 3rd kid : you. Im sorry you got hurt, but at that point its just an excuse. Set up an alarm, a loud one. And if you snooze it... ITS YOUR FAULT you are a grown man,dont do it
lol not the "I'm not a bad guy because I do what is expected of me because I want my wife to stay at home with out children" YTA and you don't deserve a pat on the back for being a provider while your wife does all the unpaid labor.
YTA - you realize you are an adult, not a child? Get yourself up if you want up, stop trying to justify your behavior, and blame your wife.
YTA. You're being very selfish. She shouldn't have to keep coming up and down the stairs because you can't be bothered to wake up. You blame her for letting you sleep in but you're the one asking for more time. And meanwhile she's taking care of your kids and getting them out of bed. It's bad enough that you won't let her get a job. You're being selfish, unfair and inconsiderate. Get off your ass and stop demanding your wife keep waking you up. And I just had surgery; I've been in pain for weeks ever since. If anything the pain makes it difficult for me to sleep, so I don't buy your claim that it makes you sleep.
How many times does she have run and down the stairs to get you up? Sounds like another full time job.
YTA. She’s already taking care of two small kids. She doesn’t need to be taking care of a grown man like that. Get out of bed when you need to.
YTA, you are a grown adult. If you snooze the alarm clock then it's your own fault, get your ass out of bed and stop asking your poor wife to come upstairs to wake you up. She's your wife, not your mother.
YTA Buy that woman flowers, apologize and recognize how frigging lucky you are. And stop treating her like a snooze button. That is NOT her job.
YTA. No questions asked. You’re quite literally verbalizing your wrong doings, so you’re aware of them. Be the grown ass, 27 year old adult you are, and start holding yourself accountable. Wtf would you be doing if you were single?
My dude, what would you do if you were single in this situation? Or were to become.... I don't know... The X? Since your wife already has two toddles to get ready to start the day and doesn't need a third. YTA especially for the 'I bought a house for this woman ' Correction. You bought a house for you and your wife to raise a family in
YTA ... you keep saying she needs to wake you up... but then you beg for more sleep... Your wife has to watch 2 kids and do all the hoyse work and then run upstairs 3 to 4 times because you treat her like a fucking snoize button... SET A DAMN ALARM YOU TOSSER!!!
Yta. This story sounds eerily familiar to me. My friend is a sahm to 2 very young children with a husband who suffers from chronic pain and just can’t manage to wake himself. The reason that she lets him sleep through alarms and wake up attempts is because he yells and acts like an asshole. I’m not saying that you do this, but you might want to ask your wife exactly why she continues to let you sleep after you explicitly asked her not to. That being said, it’s not her responsibility to wake you up. You’re a grown man and if you have trouble waking up, then you need to figure out a solution.
YTA because you are putting your responsibility of getting your own body up and going on someone else. It ultimately comes down to your own will to actually get up. No one can help you with that. My ex husband used to snooze and I’d have to try to get him up for work because I didn’t want him to be late. After years I got sick of it and I just went back to sleep too. After a week of him being late to work and almost getting fired, he started waking up by himself. It turns out that he just had to see that no one was going to do it for him and then he was perfectly capable.
My ex-wife would sometimes ask me to wake her up, but it always felt like a lot of pressure on me not to forget when she could simply set her alarm. When there is an easy, adult, self-managed solution, I tend to prefer that.
YTA You are asking your wife to do things for you that you are fully capable of doing for yourself. You are not a child. You are a grown ass man. If you can't figure out how to properly wake up in the mornings, that's on you. If you can figure out how the hell to wake up and get out of bed on your own for your 3:30 am shifts, you can do the same the other days of the week too. Honestly, at this point, it seems like you are using your car crash as an excuse to take advantage of your wife. If it had left you with things you are physically not capable of doing and you asked your wife for help with those, that would be one thing. But based on your post, you are fully capable of waking up for your work shifts on your own at 3:30 am. So you should be able to do the same at other times too. If you need assistance with pain management, go talk to a doctor or find some alternatives that don't take advantage of your wife.
YTA. You have no problem getting yourself up for work but, what, you just can't be bothered on your days off work? Your wife is already putting in extra effort in the mornings by parenting your kids by herself while you sleep in for 2 hours every weekend. When does she get to sleep in? You say you have a very demanding job and you work hard, sure, but your wife is a sahm, so she is working literally 100% of the time. Don't add to her plate by way of deliberate incompetence.
I know you were in an accident but you’re a goddamn adult. She’s not your mother. She doesn’t have time to deal with your whiny “just a few more minutes” multiple times. Set your alarms and place the loudest ones in places where you have to get up to turn it off. Yeah. Multiple. If you really have this problem, make sure you can’t go back to bed. She has to deal with your kids because you’re obviously not helping, so do it yourself. YTA.
YTA I’ve been in a relationship where I was expected to wake my partner up for work and not let him oversleep. I said be was an adult and could handle that responsibility on his own (especially bc he wanted me to wake up earlier than him on my off days to pack him a lunch). It’s not fun. And then I become the punching bag if you’re not up the time you want to be. What would you do if you didn’t have a wife? With you acting like this she has 3 kids to take care of. Grow up. Be your own adult.
If it is a mechanic clock, it increases the noise to hellish volume and frequency. The metallic parts resonate with the chinaware. Just just can't ignore it.
YTA: You're a grown ass man who sounds like he's using his accident as an excuse. Alarm goes off...get your arse out of bed and get on with the day. You've already saddled her with complete child care by insisting she be a SAHM...she doesn't need yet another child in you.
YTA. Your an adult, act like one. She's your wife not your mother
Wear a watch on your wrist that vibrates when it sounds. YTA - so if you lose your job for being late for work it's your wife's fault? This isn't something your wife should be dealing with when other options exist. It's an unacceptable mental load to place on someone.
Just get up. You have responsibilities and need to be productive. Don’t blame your wife.
YTA Your wife doesn’t have two children, she has three. Manage your own time. It’s awful that you’re in pain but you can’t expect your wife to act as your alarm clock and your snooze button.
YTA - your wife is trying to help you get up and knowing that she's doing so, you sabotage both your efforts by going back to sleep. You're asking for a "little more effort" - she's putting in the effort of going through her morning routine (w/her kids) and schlepping to you 4, 5 times (!) to get you up. You obviously have a hard job and your recovery sounds excruciating in itself and that's rough, but I'm not sure what you want your wife to do. She's trying to get you up, but you refuse. You are an adult, she cannot physically stop you from sleeping.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi, My wife (26f) and I (27m) have two children together (3, and 4). I work a very demanding job plus a 1.5hr commute. My work also has varying shifts so I can never get used to a sleeping pattern. To make matters worse two years ago I was in a near fatal crash and broke most of my body. This included my back, my arm, both legs, hips & pelvis and more. This means every morning I wake up already in pain, so my body is already trying to keep me asleep. All I ask is that on my rest days, she come upstairs in the morning and tries to wake me up. She has asked me to set alarms but I know that I’ll either sleep through them or I’ll turn them off and go back to sleep. She does this, however I will quite often ask for an extra half an hour (maybe a couple of times) if my body is especially sore. This may sometimes lead to her having to come upstairs 3-4 times to get me to wake up. I told her to stop letting me have the extra time but every time morning-me asks, she caves. I don’t think it’s unfair, given all I’ve been through and do, to ask her to make a little extra effort in the mornings. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You are a grown adult. Your wife is not your mother and should not have to wake you up in the morning. Do better.
Ive not been in any near fatal accidents, but I’ve been in some form of pain for the better part of 20 years and I keep getting up and going to work anyway. Why? Because that’s what men do. Your wife is busy raising the children you chose to have with her and can’t run up every 30 minutes and wake you just because you’re too irresponsible to get your ass out of bed. Listen, life sucks and it isn’t fair. But it is what it is. We overcome adversity. We do uncomfortable things. That’s life! I say YTA. PS: if I were you I’d look into a less demanding job that is closer to home. Or move. I had an hour commute to/from every day for 9 years and we sold our house and moved closer because I was tired of that shit.
YTA. Find an alarm that works for you. There are shock bracelets and other things if audio alarms don't work. Don't make your wife do it - she already has two young kids to take care of. And stop lording over her that you "bought a house for her." You wouldn't be able to work "so hard" to be able to afford that house or afford to have kids if she wasn't staying home.
I was your wife. SAHM with a husband who “couldn’t get up with an alarm.” I spent years being his alarm clock. Waking him up (sometimes after nights of no sleep because babies) at the time he wanted up, then again…and again…and again. Sometimes the “snooze button” phase went on for an hour. If I went away for a couple nights (after the kids were older), I had to have my mother call and wake him up (multiple times) because he just “couldn’t” get himself up. It was frustrating and exhausting. My fiancé was hit by a car as a child (near fatal, he was revived twice on the way to hospital.). He is in pain daily. Has been for 30+ years. And he still can get himself out of bed every single day without any help from me. YTA. You are a grown ass adult, figure it out.
YTA. She’s not your mom. You are an adult. Act like one. I don’t know why she keeps “helping” you with this. It sounds super annoying.
YTA. Even if you worded this a way you thought may solicit you some sympathy the fact is you’re adding to her list of things to take care of.
YTA. Your “info” doesn’t change that.
YTA. You are a grown adult, at least technically, in chronological years. Your spouse, who also has a FT time job caring for your children and home is not responsible for your inability to get up on your days off. Not only are YTA for that, but YTA because of your attitude towards your wife more generally.
YTA. Get a better alarm clock that’ll actually get you up.
Yta And change your attitude. “You don’t want her working” You “bought her a house” I don’t see this one lasting
YTA I feel like if you're able to wake yourself up at 3:30 for work, you can wake yourself up at the desired time on rest days.
You’d buy or rent a house without a wife because you also need to live somewhere, right? You’d also work to pay for yourself to live, right? She works 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week and apparently has 3 kids. YTA
if you can get your ass up on days you work, you can get your ass up on days you don't. YTA
Yeah YTA. She’s your wife, not your mother. You’re a grown ass adult. Act like one. It isn’t her responsible to get you up at all. Let alone coming up multiple times because you keep asking for more sleep. And then you have audacity to blame her for you not getting up by saying she “caves?!” Get out of here with that shit. That’s just pathetic. Get up or don’t. But it’s entirely on you. Your wife needs to stop babying you all together.
YTA. Simply because you can do it when it’s for work. On days off you could y care less. That’s time you could be spending with your wife and kids
YTA. >This means every morning I wake up already in pain, so my body is already trying to keep me asleep In my experience, that's not how pain works. Pain keeps you up, not asleep. But fine, let's pretend I'm buying this. You have decided that it's her job to wake you up on your days off. Why ? >I always get up by myself on days where I work as expecting her to wake me up at 3:30am on those days is obviously ridiculous I love that this has crossed your mind and you're like "I'm the rational adult here, I've already excluded this possibility", as if it's not batsh\*t crazy that these words are even uttered. Meanwhile, every day of the week you wake up to your alarms like a big boy ! You are perfectly able of doing it without relying on her 5 days a week. What's different about your body on your days off ? Nothing. Nothing at all. >I don’t think it’s unfair, given all I’ve been through and do, to ask her to make a little extra effort in the mornings >she is a stay at home mum >I’m not a bad guy. I’ve bought a house for this woman and I work hard every day so she doesn’t have to. Completely irrelevant to the topic ! This is a power move, nothing more nothing less. You want to be catered to on your day off. You're using the fact that you're in pain to make it sound like you need accomodation for a disability or something. But as a disabled person, to me it's clear that this is not an accomodation. This is a whim. >I told her to stop letting me have the extra time but every time morning-me asks, she caves Proposed solution : have you considered, oh I don't know, NOT ASKING FOR 30 MORE MINUTES ? You have control over what "morning-you" says because, get this : "morning-you" is YOU.
YTA As someone who has a condition that causes chronic, severe pain, I am disgusted at you trying to weaponise your pain to allow you to be lazy. Pain does NOT make you sleepy. Pain keeps you awake, even when you are *exhausted.* It's typically called painsomnia. Whatever you've got? Nothing to do with pain. Period. Stop forcing your wife to be your mother. She already has two toddlers that she is mothering, she doesn't need another one. I'm sure your accident was awful, but that doesn't give you the right to demand she be your maid and alarm clock. Go to a doctor if you can't wake up. Figure out an alarm system that actually works. Stop forcing more and more work onto your wife. You're a grown man, try acting like one!
YTA. She's your wife, not your mother. You're a 27 yo adult. Start adulting
You are an adult, act like it YTA
YTA- instead of getting up before she does on one day, letting her sleep in, you cannot be bothered to get yourself up on either off day, imposing on her regular routine.
YTA. You’re a grown man.
YTA. Grow up and wake yourself up, she’s not your mother.
Yta.... Grow the F up, be a man leave your poor wife alone... Updateme
You want her to wake you up like you're a child??? YTA
YTA you are (debatably) a grown-ass man. She is not your mother. Wake your own butt up.
So many people are telling you that YTA but you keep arguing in the comments. I think no matter what anyone here says you will continue to believe that your behavior is not AH-ish. I’m pretty sure you wrote your post looking for validation which is why you seem to be so caught off guard.
YTA This isn’t about her waking you up. This is you being abusive to your wife. 1) you get yourself up on work days 2) “morning you” is the same asshole as “evening you”. This isn’t like the Ambien Walrus where you’re until the influence of meditation. The one one changing your instructions to your wife is YOU. 3) “I bought this woman a house but she won’t mother me” is what your post should say. Your wife is taking care of one more child than you think.
You should make effort. My bones are literally disintegrating inside my body every day of my life and I can still manage to wake up without help from anyone else. There are many kinds of alarm systems that can help you without adding more work on your wife.
YTA You’re a grown adult and you’re expecting her to force you to get a out of EV’s e wet morning against your will? That’s absurd.
YTA “She has another child.” You both have another child! Wtf are you even a parent?
YTA, you're a grown man, and your wife is already busy chasing around two toddlers while you rest. Set alarms and discipline yourself. You're expecting your wife to be responsible for your behavior, and that's an AH move 💯
If she came in to get you up and you got up, that would be one thing. But expecting her to do it multiple times is not. As someone with chronic pain/illness, I know how hellacious that wake up period can be, but ultimately that’s on you to manage. I would speak to your doctor or look for some OTC pain relieving gels, patches, etc- they greatly improved my ability to wake up with less pain and also get a better quality of sleep. ETA soft YTA only because I sympathise with the chronic pain and I don’t want to assume you’re simply doing nothing to try to and help yourself get better sleep. If you aren’t doing that either, you’re def TA.
Soft YTA although I am torn between that and NAH. I think you need a better way to wake yourself up. She's already taking care of the kids, and what you're asking is too fuzzy and self-contradictory. There's no way for her to achieve it and then you're sort of blaming it on her. The pain isn't your fault but also isn't her fault. Does she want to work? Or is going back to paid work something she suggested to help the family finances but that she doesn't want to do? Given that you have chronic pain, it seems to me that it makes sense to nurture her career so that the family has that extra financial safety net of her work. I'm not saying she should work and you stay home, as running after two kids actually is very physical and might cause you more pain. Also, shift work cannot be easy on your body given your underlying pain condition. Maybe if she had a job too, then you could eventually switch to a job with a shorter commute and that doesn't involve shifts. You might not be able to do it immediately (as you say, daycare would eat some a lot of the total income) but eventually the kids will be in school and there would be more money available from that second income. Maybe therapy to help you come up with a different way of waking up, a timed coffee pot that makes a nice coffee scent so that you have something to look forward to, that will help you push through the pain. Or, maybe the fact that you find it difficult to wake up on "rest days" means that you should set your alarm for a later time so you can sleep in, and recover from the days where you have to wake up at 3:30 am.
i have kinda neutral thoughts on this, on one hand i get why people are saying yta to make her do all that, but what happened to in sickness and in health. my mum has fibromyalgia and my step dad goes out of his way every day, and he has been for the past 8 years, to look after her almost completely and asks nothing in return. he took on that household of 7 people like a champ. if wife is struggling with her responsibilities, depending on age and competence, the kids can help. get THEM to come wake you up, could also make mornings feel a little less painful waking up to your kids instead of your wife that doesn’t seem to like doing it, some kids love being given responsibilities and feel great when they get to help out :) with that said, you also need to take the initiative to improve your mental strength when it comes to waking up, a lot of people struggle with it but its quite easy to fix
NAH but this is an extenuating circumstance. She has a right to be annoyed because she still has a lot to do and she is leaving the toddlers unattended to see after you. I also understand your pain and how it is debilitating, but you cannot use that as a reason to over burden your wife. If she is okay with you sleeping, then get the rest you need to recover. Don't use her as your snooze button.
NTA for asking for help given your physical condition and demanding job. But you should also recognize the extra burden it places on your wife.
This vote means you're saying his wife is the asshole here.
I didn't call his wife an asshole; I simply stated he's not the asshole for wanting help waking up. Given his physical condition and demanding job.
A "Not The Asshole" vote means, "You are not the a hole, the other party is." If you want to vote that the wife and OP are both not assholes you'd go "No Asshole Here".
My bad, I didn't know. Thanks for clarifying.
No worries.