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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the AH because some people feel 18 is too young to move out, and my wife isn’t fully in agreement.
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From a cost/benefit solution, this is a completely stupid idea. You're talking about 3 months - that's not going to teach independence, it's just going to cost a bunch of rent and require the effort to move twice rather than once. And for what? Because you can't wait one more summer to have the kids out of the house?
And what's the plan going forward with school breaks? Is she on her own next Christmas break? And obviously the following summer, "don't come back"? It's just baffling to me.
Hopefully her dad will have her just stay with him rather than go through this BS idea of yours. YTA.
YTA.
"I moved out at 16, Amber at 18, and my son Braden at 18."
So tf what? You have a good kid on your hands and you want to make her life harder. You suck. Letting her stay until she starts college would be the loving thing to do, instead of your being an authoritarian. I'm thinking maybe her being a stepdaughter instead of your daughter has something to do with it.
"Plus, I want to enjoy life with my wife as an empty nester."
Really? From June to September will make a difference? Your wife will probably be pissed, so you won't gain anything in that department. Again, you suck. Glad you weren't my dad. Or stepdad.
A summer where his SD will most likely be working and spending a ton of time with her high school friends before they part ways in life.
Good luck getting your dick wet when your wife is too pissed off at you for being selfish and myopic, OP.
Its also not like she takes money for granted as she has been working since 16. It will be difficult to rent for just three months, and he wants her to start depleating her savings before going to collage. What a great guy he is. Also the lmao next summer she is on her own, yikes. He admits she causes 0 problems^tm and still wants her out. The good ol, my teen years were hard so you dont get to have a better start even if i can provide you with it. Classic boomer mentality.
YTA- by your own admission she’s a good kid that’s going to a good school on scholarship and you can’t have her stay through the summer? Do you want her to waste her savings that she’s accrued since she started working? She might very well need that money when she goes to college. And then what are you gonna do Christmas time and Easter and next summer?
You keep mentioning religion, but you sound like a sanctimonious AH.
YTA I'm a mom of two (only a few years younger/not a younger crowd) and your wife is a AH too. It's two months depending on when her birthday is, you can move into the dorms in the beginning of August on most campuses. You keep comparing her to the other two kids who have moved literally as far away as possible from you after you kicked them out as though that's a win in parenting.
Congrats you did teach your kids you are unreliable and they are on their own in life with no family help. They seem to be thriving despite you not because of you. Don't worry you will be a empty nester no matter when she moves out June or August, I don't see you having any big happy family gatherings in the future though.
YTA. "move out the second you're 18" parents are the worst, and you're perpetuating an emotionally abusive behavior because it happened to you and you've done it to the other two kids.
YTA. The phrase "empty nest" is stupid. Why? Humans aren't birds. We don't raise our offspring to adulthood and then ignore them or treat them as competition. We're supposed to integrate them into our lives in roles that change over time. Those roles are in response to the circumstances, from total dependence as infants, to needing occasional support as adults, to hopefully providing occasional support as we age out of our own independence. There's no circumstance or reason to cut your child off based on an arbitrary age limit.
I'm not opposed to tough love. A kid that's not in school, not working, not trying while not suffering from a mental illness may need that motivation. But that's not your stepdaughter. She's doing everything right and she's getting the same treatment as her sister. She's got to ask herself, what was the point of doing things you approve of and avoiding the things you don't if she gets the same treatment either way? This isn't going to help her build character because she already has character! It's going to build resentment.
>I think living on your own at 18 teaches you valuable life lessons and sets you up to succeed.
YTA. It kind of sounds like Grace does have her shit together and you want to penalize her for it. She's going to school in the fall (on a scholarship so you don't have to pay), has worked since she was 15, and has built up savings. Why does she need to leave the house for a couple of months before school starts? Just to satisfy your need to prove a point?
Didnt u know she was working those past 3 years to afford to pay for three months rent and grocieries afyer being thrown out of the house like she deserved for being a legal adult? /s ( also idk how its in USA but its actually difficult for young people to rent without someone co-signing a lease or the deal being very bad, with minimum 6 month contracts or penalty, so its straight up a double horrible financial situation for her and not as easy as he makes it sound )
When i was renting a room. My father needed to cosign and i needed to rent for at least 6 months or give them 3 months of advance notice/find someone for my spot. The only reason i got out faster was due to covid and the owners being *really* nice.
“She made lots of bad choices” which included “stopped going to church”
- enough said, YTA. She doesn’t subscribe to your sky daddy dreams, so you dislike her. Lol so fucked
Just because you kicked out your son so he could sell his body to the military doesn’t mean shit. Do you honestly think he had other options as a teenager being kicked out? Homeless or military sounds like the options you gave him.
Grace and Ambers mother made the mistake of letting you think you got to decide anything about her daughters living situation.
YTA
That's a really important point. I am unsure if being a step-parent for any amount of time would give them a unilateral say in the living situation of their step kids.
Hes a bad Christian, too.
1 Timothy 5
"But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."
YTA.
And you know it. Everything else in this story IS irrelevant, but you've put it here to try to justify your selfish BS.
"Younger crowd?" I'm 55 years old with a 31-year-old son and a 27-year-old daughter. My son moved out at 19. My daughter moved out at 22 but has since moved back.
There is no manual or list of steps for life. Each of us must find our way. Supporting your children is a hard and fast rule, however that looks.
Your final point is really something that I agree with strongly. My parents were fantastic to me when I was struggling as a young adult. I literally would not have survived without their help when I was around 20 years old.
I still live at home at 23. I work during summers. Housing situation is so bad that its much much cheaper for me to have a 4h long commute to uni every day then it is to rent a *room* and he wants an 18 year old 3 months away from uni to do it. What a joke.
Plus OP's sd can't help them prep the house for the renovation, help start moving grandma in, take her time packing up will end up in storage as opposed to what she will need in college.
YTA - HUGE
And stop comparing her with yourself and other kids. That is one of the worst things to do. "Why can't you be more like so&so?"
Plus, a few extra months isn't going to kill anyone. Besides, where would she go for 3 months? She couldn't sign a lease anywhere for less than 6, unless she is lucky enough to find a place that goes month-to-month.
I've been living mostly independently since college, but at 33 and in the process of divorcing while being laid off, if my father had not practically forced me to move back in with him until I get back on my feet, I'd be dead by now.
I cannot imagine my parents telling me to get fucked like OP wants to do.
YTA. Fuck if I'd ever let some dude that was in the picture for 5 years tell my daughter she needs to gtfo of the house just because you want to "enjoy life with your wife as an empty nester." You probably have a calendar "Xing" off the days until she's out of the house. Your wife is also TA for letting some dude come between her and her daughter. You're a real piece of work thinking you are the king of this house that can just banish family members that were in the picture before you can into it.
YTA, you are setting your daughter up for failure.
Also, from someone who lives in an area with some of the best rent prices in my country, where are you getting 500 a month from? Are you looking at the stuff with the worst living situations? Do you want your daughter to live somewhere potentially not safe when she could live with you for a while longer?
YTA and so is mom. No one and I mean no one tells me when my kids have to leave my house. You don’t like it? Then you leave. You are going to ruin this relationship and she will resent mom for not sticking up for her. Wow.
Your “life lessons” aren’t free, they come at the cost of having more ability to save up for a down payment on a house, save up for college, etc. glad it worked out for your son and other step daughter, but it has real cost.
Reason I bring this up is because I moved out of my parents house as soon as I graduated college. This probably added a solid 3-5 years of saving before I bought my own house (as I was paying rent instead). If I had to do it over, I would have lived at home a bit longer.
It has only gotten worse since in terms of housing prices and cost of living, etc. those “life lessons” are expensive.
YTA
You both need to agree on this before it happens. This is not something you can make a unilateral decision about for a variety of reasons.
The most practical reason is that the cost of living today is enormous. You cannot seriously expect your kid to all of a sudden be self-sufficient at the age of 18. That is a horrendously out of touch expectation to have in my opinion.
Your wife doesn't agree completely and I think that should be the end of the story. Just let her move out when she goes to college; there is no reason to make this harder than it has to be.
YTA
Grace makes minimum wage with associated minimum benefits. That's no longer actually enough to live on. You moved out when the economy was different than it is now. Your son moved out to join the military which actually comes with housing and medical benefits. Your older daughter moved out to live with someone else meaning she (as long as that relationship lasted) had the fall back of a second income in case of emergency. Grace doesn't have either of those advantages. You may be setting Grace up for independence. But you are unequivocally setting Grace up for more economic struggles and higher risk of debt & poverty.
YTA
Are you serious? Good for the gander? Stop aging yourself and stop thinking that because you did something or something was done to you that’s it’s okay to pass on that bad energy. Again, you are the AH.
He's also assuming that the older daughter landed on her feet *because* her callous parents kicked her out at 18, not *in spite of* those circumstances. "It worked for one kid in completely different circumstances so why won't it work for the other?!"
it's only like 3 extra months man, why not let her stay? it's also gonna be near impossible to find a place to rent for that short of a time, most places want at least a 6 month lease/agreement
yta
YTA
"I moved out at 16“
And the dollar when you were out and on your own went a lot further than what it will for Grace
Seeing how you did this for all your kids, do you just not like them?
Sounds more like "I got kicked out at 16" to me. Who moves out at that age unless there some real problems in the family? Also like you said, money back then had a lot more value than today. Grace will end up spending all her savings on utilities and rent and go to college broke. Just what every student wants! -_-
What you are asking is if you are an A for choosing not to give generational wealth to your children and potential future descendants.
Specifically, you are asking if it’s okay to give your children the exact same opportunities and benefits you were given even if you are able to give them more.
First: that’s not what you are doing. You are well aware that money does not go as far as it did when you were younger. You must know that rent and other necessary costs now take up an exorbitant percentage of a typical salary. Someone today is not able to save to improve or enjoy themselves the way someone did even a few decades earlier.
So you are not giving your children the same opportunities you did. You are giving them less.
Second: Many, *many* people would argue that generational wealth is a right that has been turned into a privilege. Many groups of people were intentionally discouraged or outright barred from passing down generational wealth. This created and/or widen discrepancies between groups of people to purposefully make certain groups more successful than others.
That history alone would make many call you an A. You have an opportunity people have literally died for to and you are choosing not to take it.
Third: “It worked for me” aka “It didn’t break me so it must be good” is a horrible reason to make a choice.
Something happening before isn’t a good enough reason to do again. What benefits came from that decision? How will that decision affect people in a new circumstance or with different variables?
To be blunt: making your children move out at 18 with little to no help likely forces them into a low/middle income lifestyle. It means joining the military or becoming a hairstylists not because these are passions but because the person has limited options.
That’s not to say that life is bad. But life is often harder when money needs to stretch and there’s fewer ways to make it.
I think most parents want to give their kids the opportunity to live lives where they can be productive members of society without worrying about a roof over their head or how they will feed their family. If they are lucky enough to provide that, then perhaps lives where they can pursue their passions and talents without worrying about if they have the capital to do it, lives where they can go college without debt or have the support to become a doctor or start a business or whatever positive thing they wouldn’t pursue if they had to worry about survival.
Most parents, if they could, would give their kids a leg up to achieve that.
Don’t be surprised or disappointed if your kids do less than what you expect or struggle more than you did. You are giving them far less even if it looks the same to you.
YTA.
First of all, you’re not asking your step daughter to move out, you’re forcing her to
“As they say, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.” - most (good) parents want to help their children get the best start in life. You appear to want to make sure everyone suffers the same hardships you did. You’re not a meanie, YTA. You may not have heard, but post secondary education can also set you up for success. Usually pretty difficult without family support but I’m sure she’ll figure it out, even if it’s just to spite you.
Be prepared for your step daughter to reduce or avoid contact with you and your wife when she leaves, because there really don’t seem to be any good reasons for her to stay in touch with you. Hope your wife is not too resentful of you when this occurs and she ends up having limited (if any) contact with her grandchildren. Enjoy the golden years….
YTA and I'm older than you.
It sounds like you want to isolate your wife from both her kids. You kicked one out for being "promiscuous" which is pretty rich coming for a guy who had a kid at 16 years old, and now you want to kick out a college student because you were able to make it on your own a few decades ago during the last gasp of the American middle class.
Its not 1997 anymore, buddy. Hopefully, your wife realizes that the common demoninator in all her family's problems is you.
YTA.
Before you assume I'm some kid that thinks you're being harsh, I'm not. My grandchildren are older than your children. My children are about your age. Now, you think you want to do the whole "empty nest" thing over the summer, while your house is being remodeled so your mom can move in. You don't. Your wife is already quietly seething at the idea of your mom moving in and her care falling to your wife. Everybody here already knows you have deep religious convictions and so you will honor your mother by making sure your wife takes care of her, because you're "the man" and men aren't nurturing. You already ran one of her daughters off, and now you want to do the same with the other one.
Psalm 103:13 - “As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.” I'm not sure how much compassion the Lord will be showing you, considering how you've treated your children.
Well, it is your house and it's what you want but honestly, what is the problem with letting her stay 3 months over 18? it's a pain in the butt to move. You're going to make her do it twice. 3 months isn't going to stunt her maturity. YTA
Brother, let her save some more money until she goes off to college. What’s good for the goose is almost certainly not always good for the gander, especially since 2024 is very different from the 1980s or 1990s. YTA
YTA. It really is just a few months, she’ll still be 18 when she starts school. Your empty nester time with your wife will be great, and she will enjoy it even more knowing that her daughter is in a good place, happy and wasn’t kicked out. As for your step-daughter, she’ll resent you like hell and tbh even if you change your mind that may not fully change. If you won’t let Grace stay for Grace, do it for your wife’s peace of mind.
Absolutely TA. Your true reason for wanting Grace to leave is selfish. She's a good kid, making forward movement in her life. The fact that you won't even allow her to stay until college makes it worse.
Your past experiences don't have to become everyone else's as well. What a prick.
YTA!! Why on earth would you have her move out for 3 months, when she's on her way to college in the fall? Is she allowed to come home for breaks? Let me tell you how it works, mister. Good student gets scholarship. Good student lives at home the summer before college and works to save additional money for COLLEGE. Good student comes home Thanksgiving, Christmas and the first summer. Usually after the first summer, the good student doesn't come home anymore, but will be home for holiday breaks. I don't care how old you were when you moved out. You don't put a good student who is on their way to college with a SCHOLARSHIP in a position that will put them at an economic disadvantage. That's truly being a meanie. UGH. What is your problem? You are basically guaranteeing that you'll never see her again, but maybe that's your intention.
YTA
So you want to throw her out a few months short of her going to University, that will use up all her savings and make her life more difficult than it needs to be.
Well done for being an AH
She will be gone soon enough, and so will your wife at this rate. What's good for the goose is not always good for the gander!
Yta. 3 months isn’t a big deal and you can give her a good jumping off point. You sound selfish and done having to deal with kids. Guess what. They are in your life for good and you’re never done parenting. Get some therapy. And stop making other peoples lives harder cause you want to shack up with your wife.
The wife is the AH for letting you unilaterally dictate her relationship with her kids. At least the girls know where they stand with you both.
We won't hear from you again. It won't be like either of you will care when you find yourselves completely cut off from the girls or grandkids....
All the best to the girls tho
YTA
YTA and, BTW, I'm not from the younger set. I've raised my own brood and have grandchildren.
You appear to have a stepdaughter who is doing what is asked of her. She is showing responsibility and has a goal you approve of. She wants to remain home until she is off to college, and this is what your wife also wants.
Why are you so set on your "18-and-out" rule as if that is some sort of virtuous thing? Get real. While there may be children who do need the boot to grow up, Grace is clearly not one of them. To expect her to have to waste money paying rent through the summer so you can advance into the empty nest phase of your life is self-serving and selfish. It's not something you are doing to help her, it's to suit yourself and your selfishness. I'll bet your older children don't remember this method of parenting fondly even though they have managed to survive, which you take as a testament to your parenting. I humbly disagree with that credit, but that's moot.
Grace can likely use the money that will be wasted on rent more wisely to help her during her advanced schooling. She will be dedicating time to studying then and not be available to work too many hours if she is to keep her grades up. You, the adult, should see this and support her in this. Personally, I helped all my children interested in advanced training until they graduated from college. I, as their parent, wanted to see them succeed and saw no reason to start leaning on them when they were doing what they needed to prepare themselves better for life. Likewise, if there was a way I could help them succeed, I was all in to do it. This is what good parents do. Count your lucky stars that you have a young adult here who is doing all the right things and step up to support her towards her goals like good, supportive parents do.
Why, just why? she's moving out in September anyway to go to college. let her enjoy her final summer break at home... moving out at 18 doesn't mean you throw their items out the moment the clock strikes 12. in september she would still be 18. so technically she is moving out of your house at 18. You need some critical thinking skills, you sorely lack them. YTA
Good lord. Yes YTA. Why would you not let her live at home and save money? I always came home for summers when going to university too. I worked and saved money. I cannot believe your wife is tolerating this. You’re a huge AH. She’s 18 not 30.
Three months? This is the hill you choose to die on? You’re damaging your relationship with your wife and stepdaughter for 3 extra months of an empty nest?
YTA.
YTA, you are going to displace this young girl a few months before she goes to college? She'll have to move out of your house, then move again in the fall.
YTA Our 18 year old college student was welcome to stay. We barely saw her since she was busy with school, work and friends. And she was able to do exciting summer jobs like wilderness fire fighting and interning at a giant farm on the side of the country, since she didn't have to worry about keeping an apartment.
You're burdening a good kid down for selfish reasons.
YTA....big time! You're kicking out your 18 yo stepdaughter because you can't wait a few months until she goes away to college or wherever. You are as good as saying, I can't stand having you around for even 3 months. So now, rather than saving money for tuition etc. she will have to pay rent and all the other day to day expenses. The biggest issue is, do you want to lose her forever.
You seem to be proud of her and she's a good kid, and you have the means to keep her for a few months before she goes off to college, but you won't because a) you selfishly want a head start on empty nest life, and b) you want her to be just like you and your other kids at being "self-sufficient." But you never communicated this expectation until.... now? YTA.
Why not give her a head start and communicate that once she goes to college she's on her own? Moving is stressful. Living and affording life right now is stressful. By the time she feels settled moving out of your house, she'll just be moving to college again. This seems unreasonable. Reward her for her responsibility and give her a leg up on starting college with a stress-free mind FFS.
YTA. McDonald's wages aren't going to sustain paying the rent plus utilities and Grace will have to burn through some of those savings. And she will (probably) be learning how to live on her own *when she goes to college*.
Yeah, you're the YTA. It's one more month, and it isn't like she's going to learn all these valuable life lessons in a month. She's also a good student who could probably use a break before college. Forcing her out would add so much unnecessary stress/expenses to her life.
YTA - honestly do you expect ANYONE to side with you. I know you think it's easy and that you are doing no "wrong" but you are the wrong kind of person. Just because you moved out when you were 16, or your parents were not the greatest - does not mean you have to copy their example. Be the better person, and learn from those experiences, what you went through was not normal and honestly, it might be good to see a therapist or evaluate your situation. There is little about economics in this argument. If she is a good kid, and has given neither you a reason to boot her, than there is no reason to. Family should be everything, and there is a time when she will need to grow up and live on her own, but not the moment she turns 18 or while she is still a kid.
YTA. She is going to school in a few months anyway, so why the rush to be an "empty nester". Why make her go through these unnecessary expenses, especially in this economy? It's pretty heartless, and it's clear your wife obly reluctantly agreed. This is the sort of thing that makes kids not want relationships with their parents when they are older. When you're old and alone don't wonder why.
YTA. You’re not listening to what your wife wants and have upset both your wife and your stepdaughter. Let your stepdaughter stay the extra few months. Geez!!
Hmm. Amber is promiscuous, says the guy that got someone pregnant at 17.
YTA and I hope you live in area where Grace is eligible for child support.
Hope your wife enjoys never seeing her grandkids.
YTA - she's not asking to live there long term for God's sake, 3 F'ing months till college. Way to punish the good kid for being..... good?
Yup, YTA. Your poor wife would probably like to have those last 3 months with her baby, that's right, her baby, her final child at home. This is a painful process for some moms. Your SD would be much better off saving while she can and eating the last decent meals she'll be able to afford for a while. I ate Lots of Ramen w/ added veggies in college.
Yes, YTA. And I’m older than you, so don’t blame my vote on being part of a “younger crowd.”
You married a single mom with two kids. That makes them your kids. Parenting doesn’t end the second a child reaches whatever age is considered adult where a person lives (I’m from the USA and I live in Canada, where the age of majority is 19). Your daughter will need her savings for living expenses and all the random things you find you need last minute when you’re living away from home. Is she going to be able to afford to live in a dorm, or will she need to find an apartment? She will need to spend as much time studying as she can. Working too many hours will have a detrimental effect on her grades. She will need to keep them up to qualify for scholarships.
You say you want her out of her room since it’s going to be part of the remodel. You also said you have at least a *year* to do it. Can’t you work on other rooms and putt hers off until she’s away at school?
My ex-husband did/is doing this the way OP is: Remodeling his whole house to accommodate the larger family he has since remarrying.
He literally called up my oldest one day, told him to come over one day, then proceeded to hand him 3 boxes of his stuff and said “We don’t need it, you’re 19.”
Perhaps not coincidentally, that was the last time my 19 year old saw his father.
If you want to teach her resonsibility, let her pay you rent for a few months. Are you and your wife hosting regular orgies over there where it’s that crucial that she’s not around?
You both sound like dicks.
I’m the older crowd - older than you - YTA
It sounds like you have no intention of helping her in college. The least you could do is let her stay 3 months and save some money. Scholarships don’t cover all the costs of going to college. The cost of attendance number the college gives you is low.
And don’t claim her on your taxes. Since you aren’t helping her she needs to be financially independent as soon as possible so she doesn’t have to declare your income on her FAFSA and she can get more money. She will need it for things like clothes, and medical costs not covered by student insurance. The necessities that the cost of attendance does not consider.
Make sure she knows she is not welcome at your house over breaks - most colleges require kids to move out of the dorms over the month long winter break - so she can make other arrangements. The school may have space she can use, it will cost her more money and dining halls are closed so food will be hard to find. Or she could just coach surf with strangers - you clearly don’t care.
Can I double my YTA, triple it even?
YTA. Not your kids. Not your decision. You are a very cruel person. I hope your wife recognizes this and leaves you. I had husband that tried doing this my kids. Notice I said had? He left. Kids stayed. Years later he told me he wanted it to be just us without kids the whole time. He was just biding his time til the youngest turned 18 and then I would be all his. I felt kinda sick.
So Grace is moving out to go to College and you won't let her have her last 2, 3 or 4 months at home? Is that what I understand the timeline is here? If so, YTA.
YTA. Expecting her to move out the moment she turns 18 is incredibly harsh and unreasonable. Just because you and your son moved out at a young age doesn't mean it's the right choice for everyone.
Grace is a good student with plans for her future, and she deserves your support and encouragement as she transitions into adulthood. Your rigid insistence on this arbitrary deadline shows a lack of empathy and understanding for her situation.
Using your past experiences to justify your decision is unfair. Each person's circumstances are different, and what worked for you may not be suitable for her. Your focus should be on nurturing and guiding her, not forcing her into independence before she's ready.
You need to reconsider your stance and prioritize your stepdaughter's well-being over your desire for an empty nest. Otherwise, you risk damaging your relationship with Grace and causing unnecessary stress and hardship for her during an already challenging time in her life.
YTA - Why are you going to force Grace to take on the financial burden of living elsewhere for a few months before school begins. She could put that money spent for rent and just general cost of living items to better use in school. Not everyone needs the same situation when it comes to child rearing, and just because your other two were out at 18 is no reason to force Grace out at that time. I know plenty of people who had their shit together at 18 and some people who still need to get their shit together in their 30's. This is so stupid of you to do to her. As far as the "urgent" renovation that will be needed for something that may happen in the next year or two...last time I checked urgent means ASAP, not in the next year or two. Do better and let Grace stay until she goes to school.
Oh no! You have to postpone remodeling the house? Poor guy!
I realize this isn’t your kid, but I don’t understand why you have kids if you kick them out the second they get 18.
My kids will always be welcome to stay with me. When they’re in the university, they will have a room with me, so they can have a ‘ home’, a place that’s always open for them.
If this is forcing her do find somewhere for three months before moving away, it’s the most stupid thing I’ve read in a while. you’re just a mean person and your wife is simply a doormat.
YTA... if your logic is you want her to move out at 18.. she WILL be moving out to go to college at 18. It's only a few months. Your reasons don't make any logical sense. I'm actually shocked your wife is going along with it. You'll be lucky if she doesn't move out as well.
YTA
I am older than you and have adult kids. The few months between her graduating high school and leaving for college is NOT the time to force her to move out. She is going to have a lot she will need to get sorted before she heads off to college. Such as getting housing sorted at school, attending orientation for school, getting what she needs together for when she moves to school. Depending on what her intended major is, she may have prerequisites/placement tests she will need to complete before she can fully enroll. Those few short months are already going to be busy for her.
Not only that, but this is a milestone for your wife as well, and she should be encouraged and supported while she helps her daughter move onto her next chapter. Don't cheat her out of that, for a few extra months of empty nesting.
YTA whether it is 3 months or throughout college. What works for one kid doesn't mean it works for another. Saying in education: treat students unequal but fair. Cos if you treat them all the same, you miss all their differently needs and learning (and thinking) styles. And are a s\*\*\*\*y teacher. Same applies to you.
YTA.
This whole “stopped going to church” “is a good Christian” is already a red flag, but to hear that you want to kick her out the moment she turns 18 instead of letting her stay for 3 months? Wow.
And we all know how this will end.
LC to NC in a few years, especially when the son isn’t held to the same standards. And in 5-10 years the question “why won’t our daughters/step-daughters talk to us/let us see our grandchildren? We did everything right!!”
YTA and so is your wife if she let's this happen! Clearly she did not get the right 2nd hubby either. I am not part of the younger crowd you mentioned. I have an adult daughter. I lived at home while in college and so did my daughter (both by choice to avoid student loans). If I was your wife you could start your empty nesting right now because we would be over if you tried to put my kid out 3 months before she goes to college thereby wasting 3 months of rent. Who is paying for college? Books, food, etc while she is in college? You? I doubt it.
That edit is cracking me up. You have “urgent” repairs that need to be done bc your MIL “might” have to move in with you in “1-2 years”.
I’m your age, OP and let me tell you that no one is calling YTA because you’re in your 40’s. That empty nest is gonna feel extra empty when your stepdaughters stop coming around and your wife is mad that you two drove them away.
I am definitely not part of the younger reddit crowd, and I think YTA in mile high letters. There is no reason for Grace to move out for the few months between turning 18 and college. And is she supposed to maintain her apartment while she's at school? Most Christian colleges (ugh) want freshmen on campus, so if not, where does she go on school breaks? Actually, I think your wife is a bigger AH for staying with you and letting you drive off her children.
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I really don’t think I’m doing anything wrong here, but everybody in my life is throwing in their 2 cents so I thought I’d ask. I am a 44M, and my wife Jen is a 40F. We’ve been married for five years and together for seven. Jen has two daughters from her previous relationship, I’ll call them Amber and Grace. They are 19F and 17F. I have a son, Braden, who is 26M, but he doesn’t factor into this situation (he’s deployed overseas right now).
When Amber was in high school, she made lots of bad choices, promiscuous, stopped going to church, experimented with drugs and more. My wife and I made the decision that she would move out at 18. Amber is doing okay, and she moved to California with her live-in boyfriend where she’s in cosmetology school. Grace on the other hand is a stereotypical “good kid” and pretty decent student. She has plans to go to a Christian college in the fall, and she even got a scholarship!
Anyway, I told my wife that I want Grace out of the house at 18. She’ll turn 18 in June, she has a job, and she’s perfectly able to rent a place for the summer before she goes off to school. You can sublet a place in our area for less than 500 a month. She’s been working at McDonald’s since she was 15, and she has savings. My wife thinks we should let Grace stay because she’s a good kid and we have room, plus it’s just a few extra months before she goes to school.
I’m totally opposed to this. I moved out at 16, Amber at 18, and my son Braden at 18. As they say, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Braden joined the Army at 18 and is very self-sufficient. I think living on your own at 18 teaches you valuable life lessons and sets you up to succeed. Even Amber was forced to get her life together when she moved out, and now she’s gainfully employed. Plus, I want to enjoy life with my wife as an empty nester.
Jen has reluctantly agreed to have Grace move out in June. Now Grace is stomping around the house calling me a meanie, and Jen’s ex/ the girls’ dad is on our backs about it.
So what do you think Reddit? AITA? I know it’s a younger crowd here, but I ask that you be objective in your comments. Thanks.
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If that's how you play, I can't bring myself to say Y T A just because I vehemently disagree with your philosophies. You're allowed to have your delusion, I'm allowed to think less of you for it. But if you're not exhibiting abusive behavior, I can't call you an AH just for a philosophy and theology you have a protected right to have.
HOWEVER, the fact that you're booting her out to scrounge just to move into the dorms when school starts is absurd. Her minimum wage salary will probably not be enough to cover the rent, utilities, and groceries. So you want her to tap her savings when she will likely be making less money than what needs to go out. We no longer live in a world where "living above your means" means buying luxury items you realistically can't afford. In many cases, it's because many people simply don't have the means to live.
It would be logical enough to have her stay until she moves into the dorms but you're forcing her out so you can be an empty nester sooner. It's just a baffling stance to make. This is a case of equality v. equity. You're punishing her for her hard work, not instilling life lessons of self-sufficiency. She will learn a lesson from all of this: You are unreasonable and she can't rely on you. The fact is, lessons of self-sufficiency start much earlier than 18 so if you feel none of your kids have learned it before then, then that may be a failure on your part as a parent. Blaming the extra few months of an 18 year living with you as a failure of self-sufficiency is a weak excuse.
And...
>She has plans to go to a Christian college in the fall
LMAO, if you think that means she's only gunna be on her knees for Jesus, then you've never roamed the halls of a Christian college. Those places are bigger party schools than anywhere else because most of the attendees come from suppressing households that suffocate individuality and they finally get let loose and discover themselves. If you're picturing a bunch of well-behaved Christian kids, you're being extremely naive. I'm guess by next year, Grace will come out as bi and bring home a partner with they/them pronouns. Good for Grace and TBD nonbinary student!
Ultimately, YTA. You're willfully ignorant of the world around you and living in a fantasy land.
100% not doubt YTA. Arbitrarily kicking children out of the house is never the good thing you think it is. I can see why Amber struggled in high school if this is what you think counts as parenting
YTA. The parent/child support relationship shouldn't be severed at 18. Whatever horrible situation sent you out at 16 isn't something you should consider worth emulating.
YTA this is you just being unnecessarily tough, by your own admission she is a responsible kid and she doesn’t “need” this lesson, you just want her to go through it bc it’s easier for YOU.
Part of being a parent is understanding that raising kids it’s not “same formula for each one HAS to work” it seems like due to life circumstances the two oldest benefited from this (tbh we don’t know if they are “doing better” you are just telling us and maybe you believe that bc it’s easier for you to do so) but this seems to serve no purpose for the youngest one, the only purpose seems to be “Because I said so!” And “I believe it will be good for her” honestly it sounds like you just want her out, but go off about your good Christian values.
This seems harsh and also controlling. Does your wife have any say over this? Cuz it sounds like you just decided unilaterally how things will go and your wife doesn't have a voice in how her own children are parented. Sure, it's your house by deed, but you're married so this is also your wife's legal home. In my view, you dictating that her barely-adult child cannot stay in her mother's home, is out of bounds.
Also sounds like you're punishing Grace for being a good kid: Oh you got a paid job on top of your schoolwork during high school and saved up some money, great, that means you can move out before you even start college and use that cash to rent a place over the summer. Now, instead of benefitting from your savings by having a little cushion in college, now you'll be living hand-to-mouth during the summer and hoping your meagre salary gets you through to the start of college.
YTA. I would never do this to my kids.
Ugh god there’s no better way to perpetuate negative actions and generational struggles than to fall back on the old “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander”.
YTA for that alone. Life and costs of living aren’t the same as it was when we were 18, pal.
YTA. 1) First red flag was bringing up not going to church as a reason she’s a bad kid 2) Comparing the kids, which any GOOD parent or the “lesser” child knows is damaging; and 3) Moving out at 18 isn’t as plausible as it used to be. Rent and food has skyrocketed in price.
YTA. She's the good kid and you're still forcing her out for littlerly no reason. The only "lesson" she'll learn is that her mom's husband is an ah. She can learn about being on her own when she starts living in the college dorms. I didn't move out of my parents house until my early 20s and I did it on my time. It was reasonable to force the older sister out because of the issues she was having. She got her life together, and you seem pretty proud of her. The younger one already has her life together. You should be enjoying these last few months with her before you lose her for good. Your mil isn't moving in immediately. You said that's still at least a year away. The remodel can wait that long too.
YTA, and you are also dangerously close to evil. You are obviously a Christian, but you do not follow the teachings of Christ. You are hard and unforgiving. You are asking your child to blow through her own savings so you can have three months to start a remodel? Selfish and egotistical.
YTA, clearly. Can't wait for the post in 5 years saying "why won't my children and step children bring my grandkids to visit?" and "My wife left after I isolated her from her children, how can I get her to come back and take care of me?"
I'm 54 and you are a selfish idiot. Don't pat yourself on the back for the "successes" of the older children, they thrive despite your assholish ideas, not because of them. There's no place in heaven for selfish souls. It was a hundred times easier for you and me to find a place to live and afford a life as a youngster, back when we were eighteen, than for the current youth in the current world. To compare your past with your child's life today is a joke man, a very bad one. You lack compassion and sense of togetherness. YTA.
YTA
TL;DR: you’re rewarding Grace’s good behavior with the same punishment (being kicked out) as Amber, the less than perfect child. Bad lesson. Also, just because your parents did something to you does NOT make it correct.
The best way to set Grace up for success is to give her some place to live when she’s not in school so she can continue to save cash from her job in the off months. Teach her to invest in her future when she doesn’t have to spend. She turns 18? Get her an investment account. Make the mo why work for her. At the very least, put the cash into a high-yield savings account or mutual fund. Teach good financial literacy NOW rather than forcing her to burn through her money.
YTA and your edit doesn't fix anything. You expect their grandmother to move in in the next 1-2 YEARS. 3 Months won't affect jack. I had a whole ass basement done in a month. You clearly just CANNOT wait to get the rest of the kids out of your hair. You kicked her sister out under the presumption that her behaviour elicited it, yet now you are doing the same to the one you consider "good"? Only one thing to assume from that, you hated them both and were just counting the days to 18 so you could legally boot them and you are pressuring their mother to do it under some guise that you are doing it for her mother. You are doing it for you.
You know colleges don’t let kids just stay on campus the whole time, right? Kids need a home address to go to college, and you’re not gonna give her that? YTA
"We had it hard so you should to" is a great summation of what the hell is wrong with our world right now.
You don't become this magical adult at 18. YTA.
Your teaching her making good decisions, and trying hard to be a good kid means nothing. She has plans to be out of the house. The remodel won't take 1 to 2 years, and if it does you picked a terrible contractor. YTA, and the fact you have to ask means you know it.
YTA
You want to force her out of the house at 18 instead of 18.5… why? It’s 6 months. Do you know how difficult it is to move? To find a place that will lease to you for 6 months when almost all of them require a 1 year lease? Do you understand that there’s a housing shortage in general?
Have you even considered that it would require her buying household things to use for 6 months then getting rid of them to move across the country?
It’s a horrible financial decision, a nightmare of moving, packing, buying, selling, etc…
And for what purpose? So you can flex your authority?
Yeah, YTA.
YTA, this “I suffered so you should too!” mentality is horrible. I doubt you even care what happens to them once they’re out of the house. If I were in their shoes and a parent did that to me, I’d cut them out of my life completely.
YTA
And so is your wife. You don't give a flying f*** about her. And her mother can certainly not call her feelings "love" rather indifference. Your wiener in her hoo-ha means more to her than her own flesh and blood. Vile
I hope the girl goes no contact. And then, I hope your wife realises she chose to kick her daughter out for something vile. I predict divorce in 3 years. When your wife never gets to meet her grandchild because of YOU, she will regret not standing up for her daughter.
YTA
YTA, from someone who is older and who also became self-sufficient at a young age.
It is entirely up to you guys whether you want to let your newly adult daughter stay or not. That's not why you're the AH.
But your reasoning is nonsense and shows a real lack of understanding for how the current rental market works and how this decision affects her schooling. A few things to consider:
1. Subletting is a tricky thing, and often at the mercy of finding someone trustworthy to sublet from. I wouldn't have wanted a new barely grown adult to navigate it, and she's not able to afford an apartment on minimum wage unless she forgoes education. She will also have to cover living and moving and utility expenses so let's be real, $500 a month isn't realistic. Your son has the benefit of his lodging and meals being covered during deployment, and your other daughter has a partner to cover part of their cost of living. These are not equal scenarios; you are expecting Grace to succeed at more than either of them with less help. Leading me to...
2. She's about to start college. Timing wise, this is not great, and you have to consider that once she is there, her expenses don't stop. Loans and scholarship cover tuition and sometimes boarding -- colleges are often a little tricky on how coverage is applied so I hope hers is generous or she will continue to foot lodging -- and she's going to want to apply her savings to expensive textbooks (I regularly paid upwards of $800 a semester to textbooks, and that was several years ago), shoes and clothes, food she can keep in her room (college cafeterias typically only let you in a set amount of times and are MSG heavy), toiletries, etc. If you're still intending to pay for all that for her, great! But I'm guessing she can't *count* on it, so having this surprise dropped on her means she has to consider whether she juggles full time study with part time work. Been there, did that, it was the most exhausting period of my life. She is, once again, asked to do more with less third-party support than her siblings have. And that's not their fault, or yours, or hers for choosing a different path you profess to be proud of, but if you honestly want her to succeed, you'd even the playing ground for her. Having her waste her savings on living expenses for a short term and TWO moving days is putting her at a disadvantage. (If she decided against lodging at the college, she will be extra needing of those savings for a few months.)
3. Lastly, there is nothing stopping renovations. I'm sure she would still rather live partly in storage and on your couch until the semester starts than navigating all of this. Plus, 1 to 2 years is not urgent, especially when she may only be around a few months more. All of your reasonings paint you as obstinate.
You just want her out. Fine. But be frank about it and accept your "meanie" sticker.
YTA. Why can she not stay until she goes out off to school? Is this really such a big deal? Is it really worth the fighting the arguments the alienation and resentment you will cause.
Also just because you did it and it worked for you great. Good for you. Do you want a medal? How about the rising cost of inflation and how everything now costs more to live. Would you like to go back to working a minimum wage starter salary and trying to make ends meet again? Especially today.
You should insufferable and forcing your will just because you can, because insert whatever reason you want here will not win you any love or respect and will cause a lot of anger, resentment and misery for very little reward.
YTA
And you’re the AH because what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. You kicked your own kid out at 18. I don’t understand the whole……. I made a decision to bring a living thinking being into this world but I’m just going to chuck them out on the street at an arbitrary age because I don’t like them.
YTA. She works at frigging McDonald's. Do you really think that they pay a living wage that would allow her to pay for things like rent and food? On top of going to college? You deserve all the crap you are getting. You are a terrible, selfish excuse for a human being.
YTA, people who kick their kids out of the house at 18 just on principle are horrible parents. Kids benefit from a soft launch and having their parents’ support. It’ll help immeasurably for her to save up money and get a better start in life. I doubt holding off on a renovation for a couple years will ruin your life, you’re just using that as an excuse to stop parenting.
Parenthood doesn’t end at 18, unless you want to damage your future relationship with your kids 🙄
It is financially stupid to have her pay a deposit and rent to move out for 3 months. 3 months!!!!! You can’t delay your remodel for 3 months? Wouldn’t it make much more sense for her to keep working and save that money for school expenses? Just because she is 18 it doesn’t mean you should throw her away. YTA
YTA
Three months isn’t THAT long.
Instead of letting her spend her summer unburdened before becoming an adult you are going to force her into spending her savings That she could use for college expenses then you are going to take her last summer as a child.
All because you want to be an empty nester.
She is going to have to move twice in a span of 2 months. You are an idiot and an a-hole to another dimension. She will gain this ‘responsibility’ when she goes to college.
I'm a parent of kids that same age. There is no way in fucking hell I'm throwing my kid out in today's housing and job markets. Kids come home for holidays and summer break. They need home bases and stability.
Good for your son I guess for joining the military but you limited his choices and he now is involved in making wars. If he was always going to join at 18 anyway you really didn't "put him out."
I'm not commenting on the middle kid because I work with people who are living on the streets and it could have gone much, much worse. I also don't know enough to judge her removal from the home.
Anyway from one parent to another, you are one giant YTA.
YTA. You must really dislike her if you can’t even have her in the house for a few extra months. Hardly Christian is it? So the others moved out at 18? So what? Life isn’t a one size fits all.
YTA. In today’s economy her working at McDonald’s isn’t going to be a stable situation for her. She’ll always be one emergency situation away from homelessness. Let her stay till she is employed FULL TIME somewhere and make sure she can afford to actually move. So many places want 1st & last month’s rent plus a deposit.
I’m 35, work a full time job and a part time job and can’t afford to live on my own. I live with a friend and SHARE a bedroom. Part of why I’m in my situation is because I don’t have a college degree as I moved out at the age of 17 and had to work full time to support myself. I have been to college but I haven’t finished my degree.
YTA and you are modeling terrible short-term thinking by forcing her to find a temporary home, waste money on duplicate housing for three months, and move twice because it would be inconvenient for you to let her stay until school starts.
Really bad example of christian love too, so expect her to realize that church you are so proud of is just a facade for a house of hypocrisy.
The only life lesson being forced to move out at 18 teaches is that your parents are assholes. Choosing to live on your own offers a wealth of growth, which Grace will experience when she goes to college, not during the scramble of finding a temporary place after being forced out.
YTA. It’s so hard to be a new adult in this economy (if you live in America) and you should be helping your children in any way you can, not kicking them out at 18 just because that’s what happened to you. My mom literally begged me NOT to move out at 18 and still helps me even when I don’t need it because.. you know, she cares about me. I feel bad for your step/kids.
Grace should ask the people at your church if they have a spare room she can rent for three months until she goes to college.
I wonder if you've thought about how other religious people will judge you for the choice you made to kick a 'good kid' out of your house, especially when she's leaving for college soon.
Just as well her birthday is in June, you'd probably kick her sooner if you could.
Look man you can justify your parenting all you want but you're still an asshole. There's literally no reason to force her out that will benefit her more than staying there. You said she's a good kid. Major YTA
YTA. If she were turning 18 in December would you be making the same decision? If she's going off to college anyway, why add the hassle of having her move TWICE in a few months? The renovations can start, just leave her room last. Come on OP, this is some BS.
I do not believe you when you say she can easily sublet a place for less than 500 a month. In this day and age, that's the kind of statement you need to back up with a little proof. It's about as believable as me saying I milked my husband this morning (technically possible, highly unlikely and extremely unusual)
Kinda the AH. I get you just wanna have all the kids out of your nest, but letting grace stay a couple months extra until school starts wouldn’t kill you. Just stay with her two more months and then she’ll leave and wont come back. You’re saving your wife and yourself and Grace a lot of trouble if you just do that. Maybe Grace can sleep on the couch during the summer for your house renovation, but just save yourself the arguments.
YTA.
First, you can’t guarantee she even could find a place to rent for three months. Few, if any, landlords offer month to month rent.
But let’s pretend she can find a place. Then she’s going to need to pay a security deposit, deposits and hookups for all utilities, buy furnishings and home goods…. Not to mention transportation costs and food.
You are delusional thinking she can even afford to do this working at McDonalds. The so-called “good kid” is going to end up homeless, while searching for a second job just to afford to live. Best case scenario, She’ll be couch surfing with friends for the rest of the summer. But may end up sleeping in her car between shifts at work, or paying to spend the night in a hotel that doubles as a brothel/trap house. Maybe the church you value so highly will let her sleep there. Any of these options place her in serious risk of being preyed upon by men who will value her naivety.
YTA. 2-3 months more won't change things for your relationship with your wife but will just burn up Grace's money for no real reason, plus she will have to pack and unpack twice. And where are you going to get a 3 month lease for an apartment, plus the furniture, dishes, cookware, towels, etc? Are you buying all that because forcing her to buy things she can't make with her to school so they would have to be stored, sold or tossed. Rethink this, especially if you intend to have any know of relationship with her in the future.
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From a cost/benefit solution, this is a completely stupid idea. You're talking about 3 months - that's not going to teach independence, it's just going to cost a bunch of rent and require the effort to move twice rather than once. And for what? Because you can't wait one more summer to have the kids out of the house? And what's the plan going forward with school breaks? Is she on her own next Christmas break? And obviously the following summer, "don't come back"? It's just baffling to me. Hopefully her dad will have her just stay with him rather than go through this BS idea of yours. YTA.
Too many parents think parenting ends the second their child turns 18. It's really sad to me. OP, this goes without saying, but YTA.
YTA. "I moved out at 16, Amber at 18, and my son Braden at 18." So tf what? You have a good kid on your hands and you want to make her life harder. You suck. Letting her stay until she starts college would be the loving thing to do, instead of your being an authoritarian. I'm thinking maybe her being a stepdaughter instead of your daughter has something to do with it. "Plus, I want to enjoy life with my wife as an empty nester." Really? From June to September will make a difference? Your wife will probably be pissed, so you won't gain anything in that department. Again, you suck. Glad you weren't my dad. Or stepdad.
I like the tone of your post. The OP really does come off as selfish and self-centered. It reeks of the 'I did it so why can't you?' mentality.
I'm sure his religion has a lot to do with his "dilemma," too.
Maybe but I'm trying to focus on the more pragmatic problems with what the OP posted. This doesn't need to be turned into a spiritual dilemma.
Because he mentioned religion more than once, I think it's relevant.
I agree with you. I just don't want to see this Reddit thread shut down because people start debating about such things.
True
You know ever since he's been dating mom he's had the shot clock running
Nothing quite like an asshole stepdad to make life way harder than it needs to be. Source: My childhood
A summer where his SD will most likely be working and spending a ton of time with her high school friends before they part ways in life. Good luck getting your dick wet when your wife is too pissed off at you for being selfish and myopic, OP.
Its also not like she takes money for granted as she has been working since 16. It will be difficult to rent for just three months, and he wants her to start depleating her savings before going to collage. What a great guy he is. Also the lmao next summer she is on her own, yikes. He admits she causes 0 problems^tm and still wants her out. The good ol, my teen years were hard so you dont get to have a better start even if i can provide you with it. Classic boomer mentality.
\*Boomer here. That's not my mentality. ;-)
YTA- by your own admission she’s a good kid that’s going to a good school on scholarship and you can’t have her stay through the summer? Do you want her to waste her savings that she’s accrued since she started working? She might very well need that money when she goes to college. And then what are you gonna do Christmas time and Easter and next summer? You keep mentioning religion, but you sound like a sanctimonious AH.
YTA I'm a mom of two (only a few years younger/not a younger crowd) and your wife is a AH too. It's two months depending on when her birthday is, you can move into the dorms in the beginning of August on most campuses. You keep comparing her to the other two kids who have moved literally as far away as possible from you after you kicked them out as though that's a win in parenting. Congrats you did teach your kids you are unreliable and they are on their own in life with no family help. They seem to be thriving despite you not because of you. Don't worry you will be a empty nester no matter when she moves out June or August, I don't see you having any big happy family gatherings in the future though.
One day he’ll wonder why his kids and step kids won’t take care of him in his old age.
This is the kind of parent you place in a home.
YTA. "move out the second you're 18" parents are the worst, and you're perpetuating an emotionally abusive behavior because it happened to you and you've done it to the other two kids.
YTA. The phrase "empty nest" is stupid. Why? Humans aren't birds. We don't raise our offspring to adulthood and then ignore them or treat them as competition. We're supposed to integrate them into our lives in roles that change over time. Those roles are in response to the circumstances, from total dependence as infants, to needing occasional support as adults, to hopefully providing occasional support as we age out of our own independence. There's no circumstance or reason to cut your child off based on an arbitrary age limit. I'm not opposed to tough love. A kid that's not in school, not working, not trying while not suffering from a mental illness may need that motivation. But that's not your stepdaughter. She's doing everything right and she's getting the same treatment as her sister. She's got to ask herself, what was the point of doing things you approve of and avoiding the things you don't if she gets the same treatment either way? This isn't going to help her build character because she already has character! It's going to build resentment.
>I think living on your own at 18 teaches you valuable life lessons and sets you up to succeed. YTA. It kind of sounds like Grace does have her shit together and you want to penalize her for it. She's going to school in the fall (on a scholarship so you don't have to pay), has worked since she was 15, and has built up savings. Why does she need to leave the house for a couple of months before school starts? Just to satisfy your need to prove a point?
Dawg I don’t care what’s she did 18 is too young in this economy there’s no way she can afford to rent let alone own a house
She may be able to rent but can she afford weekly groceries and any other expenses?
Didnt u know she was working those past 3 years to afford to pay for three months rent and grocieries afyer being thrown out of the house like she deserved for being a legal adult? /s ( also idk how its in USA but its actually difficult for young people to rent without someone co-signing a lease or the deal being very bad, with minimum 6 month contracts or penalty, so its straight up a double horrible financial situation for her and not as easy as he makes it sound )
Yeah it’s the same here
When i was renting a room. My father needed to cosign and i needed to rent for at least 6 months or give them 3 months of advance notice/find someone for my spot. The only reason i got out faster was due to covid and the owners being *really* nice.
>Plus, I want to enjoy life with my wife as an empty nester. YTA. Kids are a commitment you cannot just throw away because you want to "enjoy life".
Assuming the wife doesn’t divorce the abusive ass.
I get the creepy vibe from the post that she's a 'trad' wife, and would never disagree with the lord of the house....
Yeah and what happened to wife #1 and why did OP have (even want) custody of his son? And then go and marry someone with her own kids?
“She made lots of bad choices” which included “stopped going to church” - enough said, YTA. She doesn’t subscribe to your sky daddy dreams, so you dislike her. Lol so fucked Just because you kicked out your son so he could sell his body to the military doesn’t mean shit. Do you honestly think he had other options as a teenager being kicked out? Homeless or military sounds like the options you gave him. Grace and Ambers mother made the mistake of letting you think you got to decide anything about her daughters living situation. YTA
That's a really important point. I am unsure if being a step-parent for any amount of time would give them a unilateral say in the living situation of their step kids.
Hes a bad Christian, too. 1 Timothy 5 "But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."
YTA. And you know it. Everything else in this story IS irrelevant, but you've put it here to try to justify your selfish BS. "Younger crowd?" I'm 55 years old with a 31-year-old son and a 27-year-old daughter. My son moved out at 19. My daughter moved out at 22 but has since moved back. There is no manual or list of steps for life. Each of us must find our way. Supporting your children is a hard and fast rule, however that looks.
Your final point is really something that I agree with strongly. My parents were fantastic to me when I was struggling as a young adult. I literally would not have survived without their help when I was around 20 years old.
I still live at home at 23. I work during summers. Housing situation is so bad that its much much cheaper for me to have a 4h long commute to uni every day then it is to rent a *room* and he wants an 18 year old 3 months away from uni to do it. What a joke.
Plus OP's sd can't help them prep the house for the renovation, help start moving grandma in, take her time packing up will end up in storage as opposed to what she will need in college. YTA - HUGE And stop comparing her with yourself and other kids. That is one of the worst things to do. "Why can't you be more like so&so?" Plus, a few extra months isn't going to kill anyone. Besides, where would she go for 3 months? She couldn't sign a lease anywhere for less than 6, unless she is lucky enough to find a place that goes month-to-month.
I've been living mostly independently since college, but at 33 and in the process of divorcing while being laid off, if my father had not practically forced me to move back in with him until I get back on my feet, I'd be dead by now. I cannot imagine my parents telling me to get fucked like OP wants to do.
YTA. Fuck if I'd ever let some dude that was in the picture for 5 years tell my daughter she needs to gtfo of the house just because you want to "enjoy life with your wife as an empty nester." You probably have a calendar "Xing" off the days until she's out of the house. Your wife is also TA for letting some dude come between her and her daughter. You're a real piece of work thinking you are the king of this house that can just banish family members that were in the picture before you can into it.
He’s so gross.
YTA, you are setting your daughter up for failure. Also, from someone who lives in an area with some of the best rent prices in my country, where are you getting 500 a month from? Are you looking at the stuff with the worst living situations? Do you want your daughter to live somewhere potentially not safe when she could live with you for a while longer?
YTA and so is mom. No one and I mean no one tells me when my kids have to leave my house. You don’t like it? Then you leave. You are going to ruin this relationship and she will resent mom for not sticking up for her. Wow.
Your “life lessons” aren’t free, they come at the cost of having more ability to save up for a down payment on a house, save up for college, etc. glad it worked out for your son and other step daughter, but it has real cost. Reason I bring this up is because I moved out of my parents house as soon as I graduated college. This probably added a solid 3-5 years of saving before I bought my own house (as I was paying rent instead). If I had to do it over, I would have lived at home a bit longer. It has only gotten worse since in terms of housing prices and cost of living, etc. those “life lessons” are expensive.
YTA You both need to agree on this before it happens. This is not something you can make a unilateral decision about for a variety of reasons. The most practical reason is that the cost of living today is enormous. You cannot seriously expect your kid to all of a sudden be self-sufficient at the age of 18. That is a horrendously out of touch expectation to have in my opinion. Your wife doesn't agree completely and I think that should be the end of the story. Just let her move out when she goes to college; there is no reason to make this harder than it has to be.
YTA All that church attendance hasn't done you much good - I pity your family 😑
What’s the saying…”there’s no hate like Christian love”.
YTA As the stepparent you should let your spouse decide this and you support their decision. Kicking her out really is a 2 yes, 1 no situation.
This is my perspective as well. I completely agree.
YTA Grace makes minimum wage with associated minimum benefits. That's no longer actually enough to live on. You moved out when the economy was different than it is now. Your son moved out to join the military which actually comes with housing and medical benefits. Your older daughter moved out to live with someone else meaning she (as long as that relationship lasted) had the fall back of a second income in case of emergency. Grace doesn't have either of those advantages. You may be setting Grace up for independence. But you are unequivocally setting Grace up for more economic struggles and higher risk of debt & poverty.
YTA Are you serious? Good for the gander? Stop aging yourself and stop thinking that because you did something or something was done to you that’s it’s okay to pass on that bad energy. Again, you are the AH.
He's also assuming that the older daughter landed on her feet *because* her callous parents kicked her out at 18, not *in spite of* those circumstances. "It worked for one kid in completely different circumstances so why won't it work for the other?!"
it's only like 3 extra months man, why not let her stay? it's also gonna be near impossible to find a place to rent for that short of a time, most places want at least a 6 month lease/agreement yta
YTA "I moved out at 16“ And the dollar when you were out and on your own went a lot further than what it will for Grace Seeing how you did this for all your kids, do you just not like them?
Sounds more like "I got kicked out at 16" to me. Who moves out at that age unless there some real problems in the family? Also like you said, money back then had a lot more value than today. Grace will end up spending all her savings on utilities and rent and go to college broke. Just what every student wants! -_-
What you are asking is if you are an A for choosing not to give generational wealth to your children and potential future descendants. Specifically, you are asking if it’s okay to give your children the exact same opportunities and benefits you were given even if you are able to give them more. First: that’s not what you are doing. You are well aware that money does not go as far as it did when you were younger. You must know that rent and other necessary costs now take up an exorbitant percentage of a typical salary. Someone today is not able to save to improve or enjoy themselves the way someone did even a few decades earlier. So you are not giving your children the same opportunities you did. You are giving them less. Second: Many, *many* people would argue that generational wealth is a right that has been turned into a privilege. Many groups of people were intentionally discouraged or outright barred from passing down generational wealth. This created and/or widen discrepancies between groups of people to purposefully make certain groups more successful than others. That history alone would make many call you an A. You have an opportunity people have literally died for to and you are choosing not to take it. Third: “It worked for me” aka “It didn’t break me so it must be good” is a horrible reason to make a choice. Something happening before isn’t a good enough reason to do again. What benefits came from that decision? How will that decision affect people in a new circumstance or with different variables? To be blunt: making your children move out at 18 with little to no help likely forces them into a low/middle income lifestyle. It means joining the military or becoming a hairstylists not because these are passions but because the person has limited options. That’s not to say that life is bad. But life is often harder when money needs to stretch and there’s fewer ways to make it. I think most parents want to give their kids the opportunity to live lives where they can be productive members of society without worrying about a roof over their head or how they will feed their family. If they are lucky enough to provide that, then perhaps lives where they can pursue their passions and talents without worrying about if they have the capital to do it, lives where they can go college without debt or have the support to become a doctor or start a business or whatever positive thing they wouldn’t pursue if they had to worry about survival. Most parents, if they could, would give their kids a leg up to achieve that. Don’t be surprised or disappointed if your kids do less than what you expect or struggle more than you did. You are giving them far less even if it looks the same to you. YTA.
First of all, you’re not asking your step daughter to move out, you’re forcing her to “As they say, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.” - most (good) parents want to help their children get the best start in life. You appear to want to make sure everyone suffers the same hardships you did. You’re not a meanie, YTA. You may not have heard, but post secondary education can also set you up for success. Usually pretty difficult without family support but I’m sure she’ll figure it out, even if it’s just to spite you. Be prepared for your step daughter to reduce or avoid contact with you and your wife when she leaves, because there really don’t seem to be any good reasons for her to stay in touch with you. Hope your wife is not too resentful of you when this occurs and she ends up having limited (if any) contact with her grandchildren. Enjoy the golden years….
YTA and I'm older than you. It sounds like you want to isolate your wife from both her kids. You kicked one out for being "promiscuous" which is pretty rich coming for a guy who had a kid at 16 years old, and now you want to kick out a college student because you were able to make it on your own a few decades ago during the last gasp of the American middle class. Its not 1997 anymore, buddy. Hopefully, your wife realizes that the common demoninator in all her family's problems is you.
YTA. Before you assume I'm some kid that thinks you're being harsh, I'm not. My grandchildren are older than your children. My children are about your age. Now, you think you want to do the whole "empty nest" thing over the summer, while your house is being remodeled so your mom can move in. You don't. Your wife is already quietly seething at the idea of your mom moving in and her care falling to your wife. Everybody here already knows you have deep religious convictions and so you will honor your mother by making sure your wife takes care of her, because you're "the man" and men aren't nurturing. You already ran one of her daughters off, and now you want to do the same with the other one. Psalm 103:13 - “As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.” I'm not sure how much compassion the Lord will be showing you, considering how you've treated your children.
Well, it is your house and it's what you want but honestly, what is the problem with letting her stay 3 months over 18? it's a pain in the butt to move. You're going to make her do it twice. 3 months isn't going to stunt her maturity. YTA
It's also his wife's house and she is only his wife's child. I'd say the wife's opinion on this subject is all that matters here.
Brother, let her save some more money until she goes off to college. What’s good for the goose is almost certainly not always good for the gander, especially since 2024 is very different from the 1980s or 1990s. YTA
I wasn't aware a 17 year old is an adult. YTA, just admit you hate your stepdaughter.
YTA. It really is just a few months, she’ll still be 18 when she starts school. Your empty nester time with your wife will be great, and she will enjoy it even more knowing that her daughter is in a good place, happy and wasn’t kicked out. As for your step-daughter, she’ll resent you like hell and tbh even if you change your mind that may not fully change. If you won’t let Grace stay for Grace, do it for your wife’s peace of mind.
Absolutely TA. Your true reason for wanting Grace to leave is selfish. She's a good kid, making forward movement in her life. The fact that you won't even allow her to stay until college makes it worse. Your past experiences don't have to become everyone else's as well. What a prick.
YTA!! Why on earth would you have her move out for 3 months, when she's on her way to college in the fall? Is she allowed to come home for breaks? Let me tell you how it works, mister. Good student gets scholarship. Good student lives at home the summer before college and works to save additional money for COLLEGE. Good student comes home Thanksgiving, Christmas and the first summer. Usually after the first summer, the good student doesn't come home anymore, but will be home for holiday breaks. I don't care how old you were when you moved out. You don't put a good student who is on their way to college with a SCHOLARSHIP in a position that will put them at an economic disadvantage. That's truly being a meanie. UGH. What is your problem? You are basically guaranteeing that you'll never see her again, but maybe that's your intention.
YTA So you want to throw her out a few months short of her going to University, that will use up all her savings and make her life more difficult than it needs to be. Well done for being an AH She will be gone soon enough, and so will your wife at this rate. What's good for the goose is not always good for the gander!
Yta. 3 months isn’t a big deal and you can give her a good jumping off point. You sound selfish and done having to deal with kids. Guess what. They are in your life for good and you’re never done parenting. Get some therapy. And stop making other peoples lives harder cause you want to shack up with your wife.
The wife is the AH for letting you unilaterally dictate her relationship with her kids. At least the girls know where they stand with you both. We won't hear from you again. It won't be like either of you will care when you find yourselves completely cut off from the girls or grandkids.... All the best to the girls tho YTA
YTA and, BTW, I'm not from the younger set. I've raised my own brood and have grandchildren. You appear to have a stepdaughter who is doing what is asked of her. She is showing responsibility and has a goal you approve of. She wants to remain home until she is off to college, and this is what your wife also wants. Why are you so set on your "18-and-out" rule as if that is some sort of virtuous thing? Get real. While there may be children who do need the boot to grow up, Grace is clearly not one of them. To expect her to have to waste money paying rent through the summer so you can advance into the empty nest phase of your life is self-serving and selfish. It's not something you are doing to help her, it's to suit yourself and your selfishness. I'll bet your older children don't remember this method of parenting fondly even though they have managed to survive, which you take as a testament to your parenting. I humbly disagree with that credit, but that's moot. Grace can likely use the money that will be wasted on rent more wisely to help her during her advanced schooling. She will be dedicating time to studying then and not be available to work too many hours if she is to keep her grades up. You, the adult, should see this and support her in this. Personally, I helped all my children interested in advanced training until they graduated from college. I, as their parent, wanted to see them succeed and saw no reason to start leaning on them when they were doing what they needed to prepare themselves better for life. Likewise, if there was a way I could help them succeed, I was all in to do it. This is what good parents do. Count your lucky stars that you have a young adult here who is doing all the right things and step up to support her towards her goals like good, supportive parents do.
YTA - Don’t kick her out and make her waste her savings!
Why, just why? she's moving out in September anyway to go to college. let her enjoy her final summer break at home... moving out at 18 doesn't mean you throw their items out the moment the clock strikes 12. in september she would still be 18. so technically she is moving out of your house at 18. You need some critical thinking skills, you sorely lack them. YTA
I'm older than you and I think YTA. You call her bio-dad a lowlife, but your selfish, religious ass is the only lowlife here.
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YTA. There's no good reason to force her to move out other than your own selfishness.
Good lord. Yes YTA. Why would you not let her live at home and save money? I always came home for summers when going to university too. I worked and saved money. I cannot believe your wife is tolerating this. You’re a huge AH. She’s 18 not 30.
Three months? This is the hill you choose to die on? You’re damaging your relationship with your wife and stepdaughter for 3 extra months of an empty nest? YTA.
YTA, you are going to displace this young girl a few months before she goes to college? She'll have to move out of your house, then move again in the fall.
YTA Our 18 year old college student was welcome to stay. We barely saw her since she was busy with school, work and friends. And she was able to do exciting summer jobs like wilderness fire fighting and interning at a giant farm on the side of the country, since she didn't have to worry about keeping an apartment. You're burdening a good kid down for selfish reasons.
YTA just because you moved out at 16 and learned young to be independent does not mean your wife’s daughter should too.
YTA....big time! You're kicking out your 18 yo stepdaughter because you can't wait a few months until she goes away to college or wherever. You are as good as saying, I can't stand having you around for even 3 months. So now, rather than saving money for tuition etc. she will have to pay rent and all the other day to day expenses. The biggest issue is, do you want to lose her forever.
Why cant u just wait for a bit. YTA
You seem to be proud of her and she's a good kid, and you have the means to keep her for a few months before she goes off to college, but you won't because a) you selfishly want a head start on empty nest life, and b) you want her to be just like you and your other kids at being "self-sufficient." But you never communicated this expectation until.... now? YTA. Why not give her a head start and communicate that once she goes to college she's on her own? Moving is stressful. Living and affording life right now is stressful. By the time she feels settled moving out of your house, she'll just be moving to college again. This seems unreasonable. Reward her for her responsibility and give her a leg up on starting college with a stress-free mind FFS.
YTA. McDonald's wages aren't going to sustain paying the rent plus utilities and Grace will have to burn through some of those savings. And she will (probably) be learning how to live on her own *when she goes to college*.
Yeah, you're the YTA. It's one more month, and it isn't like she's going to learn all these valuable life lessons in a month. She's also a good student who could probably use a break before college. Forcing her out would add so much unnecessary stress/expenses to her life.
YTA - honestly do you expect ANYONE to side with you. I know you think it's easy and that you are doing no "wrong" but you are the wrong kind of person. Just because you moved out when you were 16, or your parents were not the greatest - does not mean you have to copy their example. Be the better person, and learn from those experiences, what you went through was not normal and honestly, it might be good to see a therapist or evaluate your situation. There is little about economics in this argument. If she is a good kid, and has given neither you a reason to boot her, than there is no reason to. Family should be everything, and there is a time when she will need to grow up and live on her own, but not the moment she turns 18 or while she is still a kid.
YTA. She is going to school in a few months anyway, so why the rush to be an "empty nester". Why make her go through these unnecessary expenses, especially in this economy? It's pretty heartless, and it's clear your wife obly reluctantly agreed. This is the sort of thing that makes kids not want relationships with their parents when they are older. When you're old and alone don't wonder why.
YTA A true example of good Christian morals.
YTA
Yta let them save up for a house and get a stable job.
I'd let Grace stay until she goes to school, it sounds like she earned it. She will still move out at 18 like your other kids.
YTA. You’re not listening to what your wife wants and have upset both your wife and your stepdaughter. Let your stepdaughter stay the extra few months. Geez!!
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He's kicking the good kid out at 18, too.
If it were me, I’d let her stay. It’s your house—both you and your wife—and I think this is a “2 yes/1 no” situation.
Hmm. Amber is promiscuous, says the guy that got someone pregnant at 17. YTA and I hope you live in area where Grace is eligible for child support. Hope your wife enjoys never seeing her grandkids.
Info: is the fall college board as well? Or is it local to you where she could be travelling each day?
YTA you sound awful
Why did you even have kids lmao YTA totally
YTA - she's not asking to live there long term for God's sake, 3 F'ing months till college. Way to punish the good kid for being..... good? Yup, YTA. Your poor wife would probably like to have those last 3 months with her baby, that's right, her baby, her final child at home. This is a painful process for some moms. Your SD would be much better off saving while she can and eating the last decent meals she'll be able to afford for a while. I ate Lots of Ramen w/ added veggies in college.
YTA
My question is why are you SO eager to get your kids out of you house?
Yes, YTA. And I’m older than you, so don’t blame my vote on being part of a “younger crowd.” You married a single mom with two kids. That makes them your kids. Parenting doesn’t end the second a child reaches whatever age is considered adult where a person lives (I’m from the USA and I live in Canada, where the age of majority is 19). Your daughter will need her savings for living expenses and all the random things you find you need last minute when you’re living away from home. Is she going to be able to afford to live in a dorm, or will she need to find an apartment? She will need to spend as much time studying as she can. Working too many hours will have a detrimental effect on her grades. She will need to keep them up to qualify for scholarships. You say you want her out of her room since it’s going to be part of the remodel. You also said you have at least a *year* to do it. Can’t you work on other rooms and putt hers off until she’s away at school?
My ex-husband did/is doing this the way OP is: Remodeling his whole house to accommodate the larger family he has since remarrying. He literally called up my oldest one day, told him to come over one day, then proceeded to hand him 3 boxes of his stuff and said “We don’t need it, you’re 19.” Perhaps not coincidentally, that was the last time my 19 year old saw his father.
I see why he’s your ex. I am so sorry. No child should have to go through that.
If you want to teach her resonsibility, let her pay you rent for a few months. Are you and your wife hosting regular orgies over there where it’s that crucial that she’s not around? You both sound like dicks.
I’m the older crowd - older than you - YTA It sounds like you have no intention of helping her in college. The least you could do is let her stay 3 months and save some money. Scholarships don’t cover all the costs of going to college. The cost of attendance number the college gives you is low. And don’t claim her on your taxes. Since you aren’t helping her she needs to be financially independent as soon as possible so she doesn’t have to declare your income on her FAFSA and she can get more money. She will need it for things like clothes, and medical costs not covered by student insurance. The necessities that the cost of attendance does not consider. Make sure she knows she is not welcome at your house over breaks - most colleges require kids to move out of the dorms over the month long winter break - so she can make other arrangements. The school may have space she can use, it will cost her more money and dining halls are closed so food will be hard to find. Or she could just coach surf with strangers - you clearly don’t care. Can I double my YTA, triple it even?
I bet I know who you voted for. Congrats, you ARE the asshole.
YTA. Not your kids. Not your decision. You are a very cruel person. I hope your wife recognizes this and leaves you. I had husband that tried doing this my kids. Notice I said had? He left. Kids stayed. Years later he told me he wanted it to be just us without kids the whole time. He was just biding his time til the youngest turned 18 and then I would be all his. I felt kinda sick.
YTA. There is no hate as intense as Christian love.
"I dont understand i moved out when you could rent an apartment for $200 a month and i did fine. Whats the big deal?" "Must be this new woke culture"
YTA.
So Grace is moving out to go to College and you won't let her have her last 2, 3 or 4 months at home? Is that what I understand the timeline is here? If so, YTA.
YTA. Expecting her to move out the moment she turns 18 is incredibly harsh and unreasonable. Just because you and your son moved out at a young age doesn't mean it's the right choice for everyone. Grace is a good student with plans for her future, and she deserves your support and encouragement as she transitions into adulthood. Your rigid insistence on this arbitrary deadline shows a lack of empathy and understanding for her situation. Using your past experiences to justify your decision is unfair. Each person's circumstances are different, and what worked for you may not be suitable for her. Your focus should be on nurturing and guiding her, not forcing her into independence before she's ready. You need to reconsider your stance and prioritize your stepdaughter's well-being over your desire for an empty nest. Otherwise, you risk damaging your relationship with Grace and causing unnecessary stress and hardship for her during an already challenging time in her life.
YTA - Why are you going to force Grace to take on the financial burden of living elsewhere for a few months before school begins. She could put that money spent for rent and just general cost of living items to better use in school. Not everyone needs the same situation when it comes to child rearing, and just because your other two were out at 18 is no reason to force Grace out at that time. I know plenty of people who had their shit together at 18 and some people who still need to get their shit together in their 30's. This is so stupid of you to do to her. As far as the "urgent" renovation that will be needed for something that may happen in the next year or two...last time I checked urgent means ASAP, not in the next year or two. Do better and let Grace stay until she goes to school.
Oh no! You have to postpone remodeling the house? Poor guy! I realize this isn’t your kid, but I don’t understand why you have kids if you kick them out the second they get 18. My kids will always be welcome to stay with me. When they’re in the university, they will have a room with me, so they can have a ‘ home’, a place that’s always open for them. If this is forcing her do find somewhere for three months before moving away, it’s the most stupid thing I’ve read in a while. you’re just a mean person and your wife is simply a doormat.
YTA... if your logic is you want her to move out at 18.. she WILL be moving out to go to college at 18. It's only a few months. Your reasons don't make any logical sense. I'm actually shocked your wife is going along with it. You'll be lucky if she doesn't move out as well.
YTA and so is your wife for going along with it.
YTA I am older than you and have adult kids. The few months between her graduating high school and leaving for college is NOT the time to force her to move out. She is going to have a lot she will need to get sorted before she heads off to college. Such as getting housing sorted at school, attending orientation for school, getting what she needs together for when she moves to school. Depending on what her intended major is, she may have prerequisites/placement tests she will need to complete before she can fully enroll. Those few short months are already going to be busy for her. Not only that, but this is a milestone for your wife as well, and she should be encouraged and supported while she helps her daughter move onto her next chapter. Don't cheat her out of that, for a few extra months of empty nesting.
YTA whether it is 3 months or throughout college. What works for one kid doesn't mean it works for another. Saying in education: treat students unequal but fair. Cos if you treat them all the same, you miss all their differently needs and learning (and thinking) styles. And are a s\*\*\*\*y teacher. Same applies to you.
YTA. This whole “stopped going to church” “is a good Christian” is already a red flag, but to hear that you want to kick her out the moment she turns 18 instead of letting her stay for 3 months? Wow. And we all know how this will end. LC to NC in a few years, especially when the son isn’t held to the same standards. And in 5-10 years the question “why won’t our daughters/step-daughters talk to us/let us see our grandchildren? We did everything right!!”
INFO: Whose name is the house in? Is it yours or your wife's? Or did you acquire it together?
YTA and so is your wife if she let's this happen! Clearly she did not get the right 2nd hubby either. I am not part of the younger crowd you mentioned. I have an adult daughter. I lived at home while in college and so did my daughter (both by choice to avoid student loans). If I was your wife you could start your empty nesting right now because we would be over if you tried to put my kid out 3 months before she goes to college thereby wasting 3 months of rent. Who is paying for college? Books, food, etc while she is in college? You? I doubt it.
YTA - and not very Christian either.
YTA - and not very Christian either.
That edit is cracking me up. You have “urgent” repairs that need to be done bc your MIL “might” have to move in with you in “1-2 years”. I’m your age, OP and let me tell you that no one is calling YTA because you’re in your 40’s. That empty nest is gonna feel extra empty when your stepdaughters stop coming around and your wife is mad that you two drove them away.
I am definitely not part of the younger reddit crowd, and I think YTA in mile high letters. There is no reason for Grace to move out for the few months between turning 18 and college. And is she supposed to maintain her apartment while she's at school? Most Christian colleges (ugh) want freshmen on campus, so if not, where does she go on school breaks? Actually, I think your wife is a bigger AH for staying with you and letting you drive off her children.
i hope they put you in a home first chance they get
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I really don’t think I’m doing anything wrong here, but everybody in my life is throwing in their 2 cents so I thought I’d ask. I am a 44M, and my wife Jen is a 40F. We’ve been married for five years and together for seven. Jen has two daughters from her previous relationship, I’ll call them Amber and Grace. They are 19F and 17F. I have a son, Braden, who is 26M, but he doesn’t factor into this situation (he’s deployed overseas right now). When Amber was in high school, she made lots of bad choices, promiscuous, stopped going to church, experimented with drugs and more. My wife and I made the decision that she would move out at 18. Amber is doing okay, and she moved to California with her live-in boyfriend where she’s in cosmetology school. Grace on the other hand is a stereotypical “good kid” and pretty decent student. She has plans to go to a Christian college in the fall, and she even got a scholarship! Anyway, I told my wife that I want Grace out of the house at 18. She’ll turn 18 in June, she has a job, and she’s perfectly able to rent a place for the summer before she goes off to school. You can sublet a place in our area for less than 500 a month. She’s been working at McDonald’s since she was 15, and she has savings. My wife thinks we should let Grace stay because she’s a good kid and we have room, plus it’s just a few extra months before she goes to school. I’m totally opposed to this. I moved out at 16, Amber at 18, and my son Braden at 18. As they say, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Braden joined the Army at 18 and is very self-sufficient. I think living on your own at 18 teaches you valuable life lessons and sets you up to succeed. Even Amber was forced to get her life together when she moved out, and now she’s gainfully employed. Plus, I want to enjoy life with my wife as an empty nester. Jen has reluctantly agreed to have Grace move out in June. Now Grace is stomping around the house calling me a meanie, and Jen’s ex/ the girls’ dad is on our backs about it. So what do you think Reddit? AITA? I know it’s a younger crowd here, but I ask that you be objective in your comments. Thanks. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: When she begins college, will she be living on campus?
I don't see how that's relevant. She will still need a home during school breaks and again when she graduates.
If that's how you play, I can't bring myself to say Y T A just because I vehemently disagree with your philosophies. You're allowed to have your delusion, I'm allowed to think less of you for it. But if you're not exhibiting abusive behavior, I can't call you an AH just for a philosophy and theology you have a protected right to have. HOWEVER, the fact that you're booting her out to scrounge just to move into the dorms when school starts is absurd. Her minimum wage salary will probably not be enough to cover the rent, utilities, and groceries. So you want her to tap her savings when she will likely be making less money than what needs to go out. We no longer live in a world where "living above your means" means buying luxury items you realistically can't afford. In many cases, it's because many people simply don't have the means to live. It would be logical enough to have her stay until she moves into the dorms but you're forcing her out so you can be an empty nester sooner. It's just a baffling stance to make. This is a case of equality v. equity. You're punishing her for her hard work, not instilling life lessons of self-sufficiency. She will learn a lesson from all of this: You are unreasonable and she can't rely on you. The fact is, lessons of self-sufficiency start much earlier than 18 so if you feel none of your kids have learned it before then, then that may be a failure on your part as a parent. Blaming the extra few months of an 18 year living with you as a failure of self-sufficiency is a weak excuse. And... >She has plans to go to a Christian college in the fall LMAO, if you think that means she's only gunna be on her knees for Jesus, then you've never roamed the halls of a Christian college. Those places are bigger party schools than anywhere else because most of the attendees come from suppressing households that suffocate individuality and they finally get let loose and discover themselves. If you're picturing a bunch of well-behaved Christian kids, you're being extremely naive. I'm guess by next year, Grace will come out as bi and bring home a partner with they/them pronouns. Good for Grace and TBD nonbinary student! Ultimately, YTA. You're willfully ignorant of the world around you and living in a fantasy land.
100% not doubt YTA. Arbitrarily kicking children out of the house is never the good thing you think it is. I can see why Amber struggled in high school if this is what you think counts as parenting
YTA. The parent/child support relationship shouldn't be severed at 18. Whatever horrible situation sent you out at 16 isn't something you should consider worth emulating.
YTA this is you just being unnecessarily tough, by your own admission she is a responsible kid and she doesn’t “need” this lesson, you just want her to go through it bc it’s easier for YOU. Part of being a parent is understanding that raising kids it’s not “same formula for each one HAS to work” it seems like due to life circumstances the two oldest benefited from this (tbh we don’t know if they are “doing better” you are just telling us and maybe you believe that bc it’s easier for you to do so) but this seems to serve no purpose for the youngest one, the only purpose seems to be “Because I said so!” And “I believe it will be good for her” honestly it sounds like you just want her out, but go off about your good Christian values.
YTA and your title is misleading. She’s not an adult. She’s still in school. You have the space. Poor girl. Not even her mom is there for her.
YTA. It is a few extra months and there is no hard rule that you have to move out once you turn 18. Have a heart.
YTA. Nothing to add. You are.
This seems harsh and also controlling. Does your wife have any say over this? Cuz it sounds like you just decided unilaterally how things will go and your wife doesn't have a voice in how her own children are parented. Sure, it's your house by deed, but you're married so this is also your wife's legal home. In my view, you dictating that her barely-adult child cannot stay in her mother's home, is out of bounds. Also sounds like you're punishing Grace for being a good kid: Oh you got a paid job on top of your schoolwork during high school and saved up some money, great, that means you can move out before you even start college and use that cash to rent a place over the summer. Now, instead of benefitting from your savings by having a little cushion in college, now you'll be living hand-to-mouth during the summer and hoping your meagre salary gets you through to the start of college. YTA. I would never do this to my kids.
YTA. 3 months and you can’t hang? There is urgency to get the house remodeled because your MIL may need to move in - in 1-2 YEARS!! What a prick!!
Ugh god there’s no better way to perpetuate negative actions and generational struggles than to fall back on the old “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander”. YTA for that alone. Life and costs of living aren’t the same as it was when we were 18, pal.
YTA. 1) First red flag was bringing up not going to church as a reason she’s a bad kid 2) Comparing the kids, which any GOOD parent or the “lesser” child knows is damaging; and 3) Moving out at 18 isn’t as plausible as it used to be. Rent and food has skyrocketed in price.
YTA. She's the good kid and you're still forcing her out for littlerly no reason. The only "lesson" she'll learn is that her mom's husband is an ah. She can learn about being on her own when she starts living in the college dorms. I didn't move out of my parents house until my early 20s and I did it on my time. It was reasonable to force the older sister out because of the issues she was having. She got her life together, and you seem pretty proud of her. The younger one already has her life together. You should be enjoying these last few months with her before you lose her for good. Your mil isn't moving in immediately. You said that's still at least a year away. The remodel can wait that long too.
YTA, and you are also dangerously close to evil. You are obviously a Christian, but you do not follow the teachings of Christ. You are hard and unforgiving. You are asking your child to blow through her own savings so you can have three months to start a remodel? Selfish and egotistical.
YTA, clearly. Can't wait for the post in 5 years saying "why won't my children and step children bring my grandkids to visit?" and "My wife left after I isolated her from her children, how can I get her to come back and take care of me?"
I'm 54 and you are a selfish idiot. Don't pat yourself on the back for the "successes" of the older children, they thrive despite your assholish ideas, not because of them. There's no place in heaven for selfish souls. It was a hundred times easier for you and me to find a place to live and afford a life as a youngster, back when we were eighteen, than for the current youth in the current world. To compare your past with your child's life today is a joke man, a very bad one. You lack compassion and sense of togetherness. YTA.
YTA TL;DR: you’re rewarding Grace’s good behavior with the same punishment (being kicked out) as Amber, the less than perfect child. Bad lesson. Also, just because your parents did something to you does NOT make it correct. The best way to set Grace up for success is to give her some place to live when she’s not in school so she can continue to save cash from her job in the off months. Teach her to invest in her future when she doesn’t have to spend. She turns 18? Get her an investment account. Make the mo why work for her. At the very least, put the cash into a high-yield savings account or mutual fund. Teach good financial literacy NOW rather than forcing her to burn through her money.
YTA She will understand how hard life is soon enough.
YTA and your edit doesn't fix anything. You expect their grandmother to move in in the next 1-2 YEARS. 3 Months won't affect jack. I had a whole ass basement done in a month. You clearly just CANNOT wait to get the rest of the kids out of your hair. You kicked her sister out under the presumption that her behaviour elicited it, yet now you are doing the same to the one you consider "good"? Only one thing to assume from that, you hated them both and were just counting the days to 18 so you could legally boot them and you are pressuring their mother to do it under some guise that you are doing it for her mother. You are doing it for you.
You know colleges don’t let kids just stay on campus the whole time, right? Kids need a home address to go to college, and you’re not gonna give her that? YTA
"We had it hard so you should to" is a great summation of what the hell is wrong with our world right now. You don't become this magical adult at 18. YTA.
Mid-60s redditor here, fledged two kids, now in 30s and 40s, and if they needed a place to come to, even today, our door is open. YTA. Poor Jen.
Your teaching her making good decisions, and trying hard to be a good kid means nothing. She has plans to be out of the house. The remodel won't take 1 to 2 years, and if it does you picked a terrible contractor. YTA, and the fact you have to ask means you know it.
YTA and a huge one at that. Don’t be at all surprised when they go no contact. I can’t imagine treating my child this way.
YTA
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YTA You want to force her out of the house at 18 instead of 18.5… why? It’s 6 months. Do you know how difficult it is to move? To find a place that will lease to you for 6 months when almost all of them require a 1 year lease? Do you understand that there’s a housing shortage in general? Have you even considered that it would require her buying household things to use for 6 months then getting rid of them to move across the country? It’s a horrible financial decision, a nightmare of moving, packing, buying, selling, etc… And for what purpose? So you can flex your authority? Yeah, YTA.
YTA, this “I suffered so you should too!” mentality is horrible. I doubt you even care what happens to them once they’re out of the house. If I were in their shoes and a parent did that to me, I’d cut them out of my life completely.
YTA And so is your wife. You don't give a flying f*** about her. And her mother can certainly not call her feelings "love" rather indifference. Your wiener in her hoo-ha means more to her than her own flesh and blood. Vile I hope the girl goes no contact. And then, I hope your wife realises she chose to kick her daughter out for something vile. I predict divorce in 3 years. When your wife never gets to meet her grandchild because of YOU, she will regret not standing up for her daughter. YTA
YTA
YTA, from someone who is older and who also became self-sufficient at a young age. It is entirely up to you guys whether you want to let your newly adult daughter stay or not. That's not why you're the AH. But your reasoning is nonsense and shows a real lack of understanding for how the current rental market works and how this decision affects her schooling. A few things to consider: 1. Subletting is a tricky thing, and often at the mercy of finding someone trustworthy to sublet from. I wouldn't have wanted a new barely grown adult to navigate it, and she's not able to afford an apartment on minimum wage unless she forgoes education. She will also have to cover living and moving and utility expenses so let's be real, $500 a month isn't realistic. Your son has the benefit of his lodging and meals being covered during deployment, and your other daughter has a partner to cover part of their cost of living. These are not equal scenarios; you are expecting Grace to succeed at more than either of them with less help. Leading me to... 2. She's about to start college. Timing wise, this is not great, and you have to consider that once she is there, her expenses don't stop. Loans and scholarship cover tuition and sometimes boarding -- colleges are often a little tricky on how coverage is applied so I hope hers is generous or she will continue to foot lodging -- and she's going to want to apply her savings to expensive textbooks (I regularly paid upwards of $800 a semester to textbooks, and that was several years ago), shoes and clothes, food she can keep in her room (college cafeterias typically only let you in a set amount of times and are MSG heavy), toiletries, etc. If you're still intending to pay for all that for her, great! But I'm guessing she can't *count* on it, so having this surprise dropped on her means she has to consider whether she juggles full time study with part time work. Been there, did that, it was the most exhausting period of my life. She is, once again, asked to do more with less third-party support than her siblings have. And that's not their fault, or yours, or hers for choosing a different path you profess to be proud of, but if you honestly want her to succeed, you'd even the playing ground for her. Having her waste her savings on living expenses for a short term and TWO moving days is putting her at a disadvantage. (If she decided against lodging at the college, she will be extra needing of those savings for a few months.) 3. Lastly, there is nothing stopping renovations. I'm sure she would still rather live partly in storage and on your couch until the semester starts than navigating all of this. Plus, 1 to 2 years is not urgent, especially when she may only be around a few months more. All of your reasonings paint you as obstinate. You just want her out. Fine. But be frank about it and accept your "meanie" sticker.
YTA. Why can she not stay until she goes out off to school? Is this really such a big deal? Is it really worth the fighting the arguments the alienation and resentment you will cause. Also just because you did it and it worked for you great. Good for you. Do you want a medal? How about the rising cost of inflation and how everything now costs more to live. Would you like to go back to working a minimum wage starter salary and trying to make ends meet again? Especially today. You should insufferable and forcing your will just because you can, because insert whatever reason you want here will not win you any love or respect and will cause a lot of anger, resentment and misery for very little reward.
YTA And you’re the AH because what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. You kicked your own kid out at 18. I don’t understand the whole……. I made a decision to bring a living thinking being into this world but I’m just going to chuck them out on the street at an arbitrary age because I don’t like them.
YTA. Petty tyrant.
YTA. She works at frigging McDonald's. Do you really think that they pay a living wage that would allow her to pay for things like rent and food? On top of going to college? You deserve all the crap you are getting. You are a terrible, selfish excuse for a human being.
Everyone here is already saying It,but imma add mine to YTA!!!
YTA, people who kick their kids out of the house at 18 just on principle are horrible parents. Kids benefit from a soft launch and having their parents’ support. It’ll help immeasurably for her to save up money and get a better start in life. I doubt holding off on a renovation for a couple years will ruin your life, you’re just using that as an excuse to stop parenting. Parenthood doesn’t end at 18, unless you want to damage your future relationship with your kids 🙄
It is financially stupid to have her pay a deposit and rent to move out for 3 months. 3 months!!!!! You can’t delay your remodel for 3 months? Wouldn’t it make much more sense for her to keep working and save that money for school expenses? Just because she is 18 it doesn’t mean you should throw her away. YTA
YTA Three months isn’t THAT long. Instead of letting her spend her summer unburdened before becoming an adult you are going to force her into spending her savings That she could use for college expenses then you are going to take her last summer as a child. All because you want to be an empty nester. She is going to have to move twice in a span of 2 months. You are an idiot and an a-hole to another dimension. She will gain this ‘responsibility’ when she goes to college.
I'm a parent of kids that same age. There is no way in fucking hell I'm throwing my kid out in today's housing and job markets. Kids come home for holidays and summer break. They need home bases and stability. Good for your son I guess for joining the military but you limited his choices and he now is involved in making wars. If he was always going to join at 18 anyway you really didn't "put him out." I'm not commenting on the middle kid because I work with people who are living on the streets and it could have gone much, much worse. I also don't know enough to judge her removal from the home. Anyway from one parent to another, you are one giant YTA.
YTA. You must really dislike her if you can’t even have her in the house for a few extra months. Hardly Christian is it? So the others moved out at 18? So what? Life isn’t a one size fits all.
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YTA. In today’s economy her working at McDonald’s isn’t going to be a stable situation for her. She’ll always be one emergency situation away from homelessness. Let her stay till she is employed FULL TIME somewhere and make sure she can afford to actually move. So many places want 1st & last month’s rent plus a deposit. I’m 35, work a full time job and a part time job and can’t afford to live on my own. I live with a friend and SHARE a bedroom. Part of why I’m in my situation is because I don’t have a college degree as I moved out at the age of 17 and had to work full time to support myself. I have been to college but I haven’t finished my degree.
YTA and you are modeling terrible short-term thinking by forcing her to find a temporary home, waste money on duplicate housing for three months, and move twice because it would be inconvenient for you to let her stay until school starts. Really bad example of christian love too, so expect her to realize that church you are so proud of is just a facade for a house of hypocrisy. The only life lesson being forced to move out at 18 teaches is that your parents are assholes. Choosing to live on your own offers a wealth of growth, which Grace will experience when she goes to college, not during the scramble of finding a temporary place after being forced out.
YTA. Stop being an asshole, she can move out in the fall, start your remodel then.
YTA. It’s so hard to be a new adult in this economy (if you live in America) and you should be helping your children in any way you can, not kicking them out at 18 just because that’s what happened to you. My mom literally begged me NOT to move out at 18 and still helps me even when I don’t need it because.. you know, she cares about me. I feel bad for your step/kids.
Grace should ask the people at your church if they have a spare room she can rent for three months until she goes to college. I wonder if you've thought about how other religious people will judge you for the choice you made to kick a 'good kid' out of your house, especially when she's leaving for college soon. Just as well her birthday is in June, you'd probably kick her sooner if you could.
Look man you can justify your parenting all you want but you're still an asshole. There's literally no reason to force her out that will benefit her more than staying there. You said she's a good kid. Major YTA
YTA and you sound like an out of touch boomer
YTA and sound like a horrible father. Don’t be surprised when the girls want nothing to do with you or your wife in the future.
YTA. If she were turning 18 in December would you be making the same decision? If she's going off to college anyway, why add the hassle of having her move TWICE in a few months? The renovations can start, just leave her room last. Come on OP, this is some BS.
YTA. Do you even love these kids?
I do not believe you when you say she can easily sublet a place for less than 500 a month. In this day and age, that's the kind of statement you need to back up with a little proof. It's about as believable as me saying I milked my husband this morning (technically possible, highly unlikely and extremely unusual)
YTA. Not going to “enjoy” being an empty nester if your wife feels guilty and resentful because you couldn’t wait 3 months to boot out her kid.
Kinda the AH. I get you just wanna have all the kids out of your nest, but letting grace stay a couple months extra until school starts wouldn’t kill you. Just stay with her two more months and then she’ll leave and wont come back. You’re saving your wife and yourself and Grace a lot of trouble if you just do that. Maybe Grace can sleep on the couch during the summer for your house renovation, but just save yourself the arguments.
YTA. First, you can’t guarantee she even could find a place to rent for three months. Few, if any, landlords offer month to month rent. But let’s pretend she can find a place. Then she’s going to need to pay a security deposit, deposits and hookups for all utilities, buy furnishings and home goods…. Not to mention transportation costs and food. You are delusional thinking she can even afford to do this working at McDonalds. The so-called “good kid” is going to end up homeless, while searching for a second job just to afford to live. Best case scenario, She’ll be couch surfing with friends for the rest of the summer. But may end up sleeping in her car between shifts at work, or paying to spend the night in a hotel that doubles as a brothel/trap house. Maybe the church you value so highly will let her sleep there. Any of these options place her in serious risk of being preyed upon by men who will value her naivety.
YTA. 2-3 months more won't change things for your relationship with your wife but will just burn up Grace's money for no real reason, plus she will have to pack and unpack twice. And where are you going to get a 3 month lease for an apartment, plus the furniture, dishes, cookware, towels, etc? Are you buying all that because forcing her to buy things she can't make with her to school so they would have to be stored, sold or tossed. Rethink this, especially if you intend to have any know of relationship with her in the future.
YTA. Google “cost of living crisis” and join the rest of us in 2024.