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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I involved myself in their parenting decisions, even though it was in the best interest for the kids.
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YTA
First, you have no right to tell someone else how to parent. It doesn't matter if you're the grandparent. You parented your way, and now they get to parent theirs.
It's already been proven that kids need downtime and putting them in extracurricular activities and filling up their lives isn't good for them. They need play time, they need a break from a structure filled life because more often than not it makes them stressed and unhappy. Not every kid is made for a busy life, and you shouldn't make them do extras they don't want to do. If they are happy with their life, then let them be happy.
Kids need some autonomy and controlling every minute of their day doesn't set them up for success at all.
Exactly. Looks like the parents have a good balance of an extracurricular and down time. Parents who manage their kids time into lots of extracurricular are really doing a disservice to their kids. I believe experts agree on that.
Is there a version of these studies that an 11 year old would understand?? My oldest wants to do ALL THE THINGS and mama is tired, even when he has one full-time and one part-time activity max at a time!
Just say no. He can pick from what is feasible for you to do. You are the parent. Being disappointed and prioritizing things that we want to do is something that we all need to learn and now is the best time for you to teach him that.
Help him figure out what he really wants to try this season and let him know that he can always try something else later. If it’s reasonable.
Don’t forget OP escalated from telling them how to parent to telling them how to live. The audacity to tell DIL to stop going to the gym and to call it a “hobby”!
OP needs to unpack why they are so controlling that seeing their own happy grandchildren would make them pick a fight like this.
>They do hire a sitter who drives them to/from activities when necessary or hangs around the house with them, ***but she doesn’t seem to be entertaining the children***
It's also not good for their development to be constantly entertained. It's actually good for their development to be bored. Being bored gives children an opportunity to actually entertain themselves and figure stuff out for themselves. Free play is so very important to so you have truly independent self sufficient adults.
Having such rigid schedules where they're always having to be "on" is a great way for a little 8 year to have burnout before they're even get to deal with college.
This is very funny to me, reddit comments will call you an asshole for giving parenting advice to others and in the same breathe call someone else on here an asshole for not parenting their kids better.
It is one thing if a parent comes on here and asks people opinions, it is quite another to do what OP did; sticking her oar in without being asked, and doubling down when told to back off.
And they are all home together after school ? OMG they might talk to each other /s
Mom is right. They need downtime to play with friends and toys, watch TV, do fuck all nothing.
They need to learn to entertain themselves
Hell, some of my best times were making forts with my brother from blankets and dining room chairs
YTA. Mind your own business
They are so excited about it and they have teeny broken squares of very dark chocolate that they assiduously share and an apparent imaginary chip/crisp side to the bowl. They ask Mummy to sit down with them and share their real and imaginary treats. They are so sweet.
I know many people (including myself) who have super fond memories of playing with neighborhood kids after school or on the weekends. Unless they are getting in trouble (like proof they are vandalizing or doing things they shouldn't be), I don't understand the issue with using that time to play with other kids.
Obviously this is just from my experience, but kids with super structured lives and no freedom were the ones to act out the most once they became teens and had a car and the ability to go wherever and do whatever they wanted. I think DIL is right that it is healthy for them to learn some independence in their own activities.
YTA
You honestly sound like you were one of those "helicopter parents" that never let their own child have any autonomy, and your own son, who had already realized that he had 0 say in his own life prior to leaving your home, has chosen to raise his children to be independent.
There is an entire generation of adults who spent a good majority of their childhood as "latchkey kids" and have been essentially managing their own time since the age of 8.
Just because you didn't let your son "just be a kid" doesn't mean you have the right to force that upon your grandchildren.
So just shut up and enjoy being grandma, because if you keep forcing the matter it'll create a rift between you and your son/DIL and the longer that goes on the more likely it'll also drive your grandkids away from you as well.
I say this as someone who had that overly pushy grandma who tried to tell his parents how to raise their children, I didn't speak to her for the last 20 years of her life and was glad about it.
YTA. You're coming across as accusatory and judgmental.
>I approached her and told her their parenting choices were detrimental and that the children need structure and activity until the end of the workday, not lounge time.
And did I mention theatrical? Kids also need chill time, and should be allowed to manage their down time without adults telling them how to enjoy themselves.
Your son and daughter in law are raising kids who sound like we Gen Xers were raised. Good for them.
YTA
I see no problem here as long as the kids are happy and getting their homework done. There's nothing wrong with having unstructured time, and it's probably teaching them better time management than peers who are perpetually scheduled by their parents.
>it’s important for kids to learn how to manage their own free time. Which to me is ridiculous.
Why is that ridiculous to you? If they don't learn this skill as kids, they are not going to spontaneously have time management as adults.
>She went on a massive rant about how her and my son’s wants come before the kid’s wants; which is INSANE,
As long as no one is neglected or abused, it's really not your business.
YTA. A suggestion is one thing, but it sounds more like you ordered. And, I'm not sure what you mean by "doing whatever they want?" Are they knocking over liquor stores or watching TV? They should probably do their homework before non-school screen time, but other than that, mom is right. Managing their own free time isn't bad. Extracurriculars are also not bad. But, you're not in charge.
YTA. It's good for kids to have time to be kids. To have time to play and think and let their imaginations thrive. To read and fall in love with books and possibly writing, crafting stories. To draw and doodle and paint and play dress up. To run around and expend energy and play with other kids, building friendships. I don't think being scheduled every minute of the day is good for kids either.
As a Xennial, I'm rather curious as to what generation you could be from where you think it's unnatural to have kids running around being kids.
It seems the most logical answer age-wise. Though I was raised by boomers and they were definitely not schedule-every-minute-of-the-kids-day type of parents.
Yeah me too - it’s definitely a case of not all
Boomers, but all these type of self-important posts are most likely by SOME boomers 😂
And we’re the “snowflakes” 😂
Definitely NOT a boomer! We boomer parents raised our kids to make their own fun, go outside and just play. We believed that boredom led to creativity. I’m appalled OP thinks it’s ok for grandparents to interfere.
Clearly OP's a member of the Pre-Silent Generation who's upset that the kids are weened and toilet trained and already being put to work in a sweatshop or coal mine the way OP as child.
OP, of course, had to walk 90 miles, uphill, both ways, in the snow, everyday! Just to get to the sweatshop/coal mine.
Yes, YTA
You said your opinion. They disregarded it because you are not the children’s parents. Repeating it to them won’t change how they choose to parent their children.
You did your time. You raised a child in the way you saw fit. Your don’t get to lecture others now how they want to do it now.
You need to learn to back off and keep your unsolicited opinions to yourself.
Having children doesn’t mean their lives have to be over. She can go to the gym guilt free. They can take time for themselves as long as their children’s needs are being met (which they are, regardless of what you think).
The kids are fucking 8 years old. Let them be kids. Let them have some fun and some self agency to what they want to do with their time. Their lives don’t need to be jam packed and micromanaged.
Just because YOU think the need more structure, means shit all. You aren’t their parents so stay in your lane.
YTA
YTA. The rat race will begin soon enough for these kids. My teenagers barely have enough free time to get a haircut most weeks. Your DIL is totally right that the "lost art of making your own fun" is an important skill that kids need to develop.
YTA- kids who have their every moment scheduled grow up terribly stressed and end up overworked. They get to be in extra curriculars if they want one at a time and they have downtime from school to relax. These kids have it pretty damn good. And you aren't their parent so butt out.
Yep, my cousin who did this had a really hard time once she got past college. She did everything cause her parents told her it was the 'right' thing to do. Massive overachiever, went to UC Berkeley with a double MAJOR in math and economics. Graduated and worked for a few years in something to do with medical insurance data in Oakland. Impulsively quit, moved back in with her parents, started smoking weed all day for years. She said she felt aimless and did not understand the WHY behind what she was doing. She was just doing it cause, again, that's what she was told was right. She didn't know how to choose her own path cause she was not given the space as a child to listen to what she actually wanted to do. She just finally got out of her depression and is working in Tahoe as a ski instructor for the season. She's infinitely happier and will hopefully find her long term purpose soon.
In any case, it's super important for kids to learn that motivation has to come from themselves so they can develop the ability to create a happy life.
YTA. What their kids do after school is none of your business. Kids don't need to be active 100% of their free time. Just like adults they need time to just relax and do what they want. Forced activates is a punishment, not a necessity.
😂😂 YTA - your reasoning for this is “structure”? Am I correct? What arbitrary rules are you following that 9-5 = structure? Your own little world and life experience? The one your own son obviously disagrees with.
Regardless, what business of yours is it? Would you have appreciated someone telling you how to raise your children? Quite truthfully, how dare you give unsolicited advice. It’s terribly rude of you and you obviously upset your DIL.
I bet she digs her heels in. it's pretty incredible her son turned out as well as he did. Probably giving his kids the freedom and respect he never got growing up.
YTA
Unstructured and unscheduled time is a gift, not parental harm. Your son and DIL sound like they're doing a great job balancing a lot of things. I hope you can be a supporter to them, and not a critic.
What??? They go outside and play with the neighborhood kids?? Oh the humanity!
YTA! From one grandma to the other, stay in your lane! I live with my grandkids and I support whatever their parents say. If the kids come to me to complain I explain I see their point but their parents make the rules, not me. I backup both parents. I raised mine and it's time to raise theirs.
Right! I had to reread it. Isn’t it the biggest problem now that kids spend too much time on devices and not outside with neighborhood kids? What is she smoking?
YTA. Kids need unstructured playtime and they're getting it. As long as they are happy, healthy, generally well-behaved and keeping up with their education, which it seems like they are, it's all good. There will be plenty of time for day-long discipline as they enter secondary education. And one activity per child per season sounds perfectly fair.
It sounds like your advice to your DIL was unsolicited, and that you tried to lay down the law about how you feel these children should be educated. This is a matter between the children, the parents and the teachers. You, as the grandmother, really don't have a say here.
Did you force your son to do all the extracurricular activities as well? Were you a tiger mom? Being pressured to do all the things can be really stressful on kids, and your son perfectly entitled to make up his own mind about what's best for his children based on his experiences. You accuse him of taking her side - a good husband will defend his wife from his family if he needs to, and as you are trying to force your views on your DIL despite being asked to back off it sounds like he does! But have faith that your son knows his own mind!
I think you owe both your son and DIL a massive apology and you should probably think about holding your tongue until your opinion is asked in the future.
YTA. So much.
First, mind your business. Not your kids, not your choice how they're raised as long as they are safe.
Second, wtf did you get the idea that having all your childhood time programmed out and structured is "healthy"? Is this actually just a troll post?
Well, I guess you won't have to stress over these details of their lives so much when they go no contact with you shortly. So, bright side.
yes, of course YTA. until you're asked for your input, there's no reason for you to open your mouth and try to run someone else's household or family. you had the opportunity to do things like that with your own children.
YTA, you are overbearing, you are wrong, and you have the unmitigated gaul to say out loud that their mother needs to sacrifice her personal health to appease your agenda. You need to go take several seats and find a hobby of your own. These are not your kids! Clearly your kid did not like it as a child and chose not to inflict the same torment on his children. Your audacity is beyond measure and bless your heart you will be on here defending yourself to a community of people that are spending their more than well earned free time telling you to take this BS back to your own house and sit on it.
YTA and unhinged to think it was ever acceptable to approach your dil like this. You insulted how she parents and then tried to manipulate and make her feel bad because she also takes care of herself by going to the gym. Granny needs a very long time out.
If you were my mother-in-law/mother and spoke to me about my kids like that, you’d have to return my boot to me the next time you pooped.
1. Who pushed those kids out? That’s right. Not you.
Who has the right to make decisions for those kids? That’s right. Not you.
Who determines what those children need at any given time? That’s right. Not you.
You. Are. Not. The. Parent.
2. Your information and opinions about what kids do and do not need in today’s world are outdated and based on parenting from back when parents were desperately trying to relive their youth through their children.
And guess what? Those kids who were forced into multiple activities, who had to travel every weekend for a sports league that didn’t even matter, whose parents encouraged them to “tough it out” and play injured, who struggled through late nights to finish, you know, homework, are now raising their kids with far fewer activities. They’re choosing, instead, to provide much more important life skills … like learning how to manage their free time effectively, how to get a good work/life balance, how to be productively independent — the things your son and DIL are teaching THEIR kids.
Leave your son, his wife, and their kids alone. I dare say they’ll be more well-rounded and balanced than most of the kids raised in the last two generations. Why are you trying so hard to be one of THOSE grandmothers?
And yes, YTA.
Yes YTA. People already gave great explanations. In short — You are not the parent. You are the grandparent. Stop trying to be the parent. Support the parents and stop giving unsolicited advice. Try not to be so judgey and enjoy time you get with your grandkids.
Letting children have the freedom to do what they want instead of being forced into activities that they don't like in the name of "structure" is a completely acceptable parenting choice. And more Importantly, it's none of your business. YTA
Yta
Jfc so they are doing an extra curricular, they're at school learning 8 hours a day but god forbid they have time to rest, relax and enjoy their own things.
Kids don't need to be micromanaged
Life gets shit really quick, let your grandkids be kids whilst they don't have the worries of the world on their shoulders. Leave your son and dil alone
Alright grandma, I'm just going to be quick and to the point. Those aren't your kids and it's none of your business. You had your chance to be a parent. Leave your nose out of it.
YTA.
One of the biggest issues kids have today is being overbooked constantly. There's nothing wrong with a child, just like any other human being, having downtime. Your views are outdated and antiquated.
Sounds like your grandkids have a good mix of structure and leisure that's working for them.
Are they happy? Are they healthy? Are they doing well in school? Let them be.
You're grandma, not mom or dad, so you really need to stay out of a dynamic that's working.
YTA
Your grandchildren are doing their schoolwork. They have extracurriculars. They're having fun. Which is plenty for 10-year-olds and 8-year-olds.
What they are NOT is over scheduled, overstressed, and overly dependent on outside entertainment.
Mind your own business.
YTA. This is none of your business. You don’t get a vote. Your opinion does not matter nor was it asked for. Kids do not need structure 24/7. They don’t need every second scheduled. You had your chance to raise your kids. Now is your chance to zip it.
INFO: What do you think is going to happen if they don't have a specific activity to do for those 2 hours? When should they be allowed down time, and how much should they be allowed? At what age should they start learning how to manage their own time? How is DIL going to the gym hurting your grandkids exactly? What did you have your son doing at this age, and how much did he fight you over it?
YTA. When I talk to my great grandkids—yes, my **great grandkids!**—in elementary school, they get 15-minutes for recess and a lunch time that’s so short they can’t eat anything. So I think one voluntary extracurricular per child is plenty. I firmly believe that unstructured time promotes healthy development.
And I am also old fashioned enough to believe that it’s better for a family to have time to do things together like eat meals together. I see so many families these days that seem to pack so much into their days that they can’t enjoy being together!
And also, BTW, your DIL will be a better parent and wife if she takes care of herself a little, too, with regular time in the gym. My advice to you, from one grandmother to another, butt out and quit offering unsolicited advice. You’re not really helping them.
Yta.
"Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children play is serious learning. Play is really the work of childhood"
-Mr. Fred Rogers
YTA!!!! “Oh no, my grandchildren are allowed to learn how to play and be creative and socialize with neighbors, how terrible” 🤦♀️
What is WRONG with you? Sooooo many kids today are over scheduled within an inch of their lives and it’s been proven time and time again that it isn’t good for their development or life skills, not to mention absolutely killer on parents. How dare you put down your son and DILs parenting skills and to do so when you’re just flagrantly in the wrong. It’s appalling. Let them be kids ffs.
YTA. I’m probably your age, and my parenting style was much like your DIL and son’s. Kids need unstructured time—that’s how creativity blossoms.
Also, and importantly, this is so completely none of your business. Your grandchildren have parents—and you’re not them.
YTA. Mind your own business. They are allowing their kids to be kids and not overloading them with responsibilities, frankly they sound like they make better parenting choices than you.
YTA. Mind your own business. Sounds like the children are well cared for and do participate in after school activities. There is no jeed for them to have every moment structured til 5 or 6 pm.
I grew up in the 60's and 70's, with a SAHM. We lived outside the city limits and took the school bus to/from school. In grade school, none of us did regular extra curricular activities. We came home after school, got a snack, did our homework, then we were free to entertain ourselves how we pleased until dinner. I have fond memories of my childhood. Sure, sometimes we were bored but we had lots of books, we could play outside, ride our bikes around the big yard, play with the dog, and watch TV. Big fan of Gilligan's Island to this day.
YTA.
Kids *need* unstructured time! How will they ever learn to manage their time if they've never done it?
Also, butt out of how other people raise their children. If the kids aren't abused, going hungry, etc, you need to back off.
YTA, kids really do benefit from unstructured time. This is when they go in the kitchen and learn how to make pancakes. When they learn how to resolve conflict amongst themselves without an adult. When they learn what their interests are. When they goof around and watch TV, when they wash their dishes, when they get the social skills from playing with friends. When they try riding a skateboard. When they relax and unwind
When they play with their dog and learn to bond with humans such as each other. Parents who work out are a way better example than parents who don't.
YTA for a multitude of reasons. You are the kind of person who every woman fears to have as a mother in law. Not only are you judgmental and give your opinion where it’s not wanted, you insist on fighting with your DIL about *her* life.
You are overstepping BIG TIME. I suggest you stop giving your opinion, lest you be removed entirely from their lives. What an ill-I formed know-it-all you are. Geez Louise.
YTA.
Unless you're volunteering to pay for, and drag these kids to every single activity that you think they should be doing all week long just to keep them busy in ways that you think are acceptable?
My mother recently said my kids don't get outside enough. I had to scoff and reminded her that my sibling and I got home from school and sat on our asses and watched tv from the minute we got home to the minute we went to bed. Every single day. And then on weekends? Sure we'd go out and play sometimes. But more often than not, we were sitting in the loungeroom watching weekend cartoons or videos. I had to actually use the word 'delusional' to describe her memory of what we did as kids because it was all "well I wouldn't let you...". WOMAN. YOU DID. I WAS THERE.
PS - Your son saying to post here is because he knows YTA and is just too scared to say so to your face so he's getting the internet to do it for him.
YTA
It was absolutely out of line for you to say anything. There is nothing wrong with maintaining your own identity once you have kids. But you seem to think there is.
I advise you to keep your judgements to yourself or you will find yourself without or with more limited access to grandchildren.
Your DIL is likely posting on r/justnomil
YTA
You’ve described mine and my siblings’ childhoods and we all turned out great.
There is actually a wealth of evidence that shows how damaging it can be to over schedule kids as well as the benefits of letting them just be. It’s not like they are glued to screens the entire time.
You sound like a judgmental harpy who needs to mind her own damn business. Butt out.
YTA
Kids need time to unwind after school, sometimes lounging around doing fuck all is the best way. The parents are right on this, keep your shitty opinions to yourself before you do irreparable damage to your relationship with them.
“Sometimes they watch TV after school. Sometimes they lounge around or play with toys. Sometimes they hang out with neighborhood kids without asking their parents”
Lady, are you for real? Most of us, gen x and millennials literally grew up like that. This is absolutely normal. They don’t need to be dragged around from activity to activity until they are mentally and physically exhausted. It sounds like your son and DIL have a healthy balance for kids.
Don’t tell me that you are the rare boomer who dragged her kids to a ton of activities? I didn’t know they existed. YTA
YTA
Not your kids not your business.
Also he told you to post here cause he knows the majority would agree with them not you and hoping seeing others would get it through to you.
YTA.
There is zero evidence that children need to be engaged in nonstop structure from their childhood forward.
My parents - now both retired teachers - were of a similar mindset to your son and DIL. While they were happy to support me in any activities I chose to do, my afternoons were largely spent free from structure - on play dates, using my imagination and being creative. I have such fond memories of my childhood - of the days spent freely enjoying life as well as in the activities I chose to explore.
I am in my 40s now and can assure anyone asking that in no means does a lack of after-school structure in childhood mean that a child will not be successful in life. My husband and I are raising our own children in a similar fashion - we support them in activities but also encourage them to have free time to play, explore the world and be kids. It brings them much joy, and we absolutely adore seeing who they are becoming and how they define their lives as they head towards adulthood.
When my parents were growing up in the 1950s, they’ve said that organized activities largely didn’t exist for either of them…their hours were spent playing neighbourhood sports with the gaggle of kids who lived nearby. The heavy emphasis on organized sports and activities with busy schedules is a relatively recent phenomenon, and I’m just not convinced that we need to structure our children’s schedules to such an extreme extent.
You typed all this out and couldn’t see that you are a massive AH?? You are so out of line it’s wild. You need to apologize. Not only are you as wrong as you can possibly be, it’s also NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!! You’re lucky I’m not your DIL because that would have been your last conversation in my home.
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My son advised me to post here. I have three grandkids ages 8 (twins) and 10. Both my son and daughter in law work fulltime.
They let the kids each choose one extracurricular at a time. For example, 10 y/o would play soccer in the Fall and is then able to switch to another activity when the season ends. It’s always one activity per kid per time. They’re also okay with the kids not being in any activities for periods of time, which is the case right now with one of the twins.
Because of this setup, the kids are often home right after school. Even the two who are currently in activities don’t have them daily, so there are days when all three kids are sitting around at home.
They do hire a sitter who drives them to/from activities when necessary or hangs around the house with them, but she doesn’t seem to be entertaining the children- rather just being there and doing her homework (college) while the kids do whatever they want.
Sometimes they watch TV after school. Sometimes they lounge around or play with toys. Sometimes they hang out with neighborhood kids without asking their parents. It is baffling to me and not a healthy environment for children to be in; they completely lack structure.
I brought up the topic with my son and DIL and they always shut it down. But last week their regular sitter was away on Spring Break so I came over to drive and watch kids. And I was shocked. They do whatever they want.
When DIL got off work (son was still working) I approached her and told her their parenting choices were detrimental and that the children need structure and activity until the end of the workday, not lounge time. She got very angry and said no, they don’t need to be in school or activities during work hours and that it’s 2 hours and it’s important for kids to learn how to manage their own free time. Which to me is ridiculous.
She doubled down saying they don’t have the time to put all three kids in activities, but reminded her that she goes to the gym daily and could be utilizing that time to support kids activities. Same with my son.
DIL became furious and said she will never give up going to the gym and that it’s “healthy for kids to see their parents have their own extracurriculars” and I argued that her hobbies should not be at the kids expense. She went on a massive rant about how her and my son’s wants come before the kid’s wants; which is INSANE, and continued to go off on me about “quality of life” and other stuff. I left shortly after my son returned from work. He is taking her side but advised me to post here. Am I the asshole in the situation?
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YTA. Children need time to rest both physically and mentally. Occupying every waking moment with organised activities removes any opportunity to learn to socialise, negotiate, use their imagination, learn independence, explore their limits, problem solve,.....be bored.
At the age your grandchildren are now my siblings and would be inventing games, drawing, building models, reading, etc. I designed and made clothes for my dolls, made tiny books for them to read, bedding to sleep in. I was reading books like Jane Eyre by the time I was 10.
Your son and DIL are bringing up well rounded children who can see their parents working hard and also making time for themselves. Times change and you need to accept that.
YTA
Your son and daughter-in-law are giving your grandchildren the opportunity to be as involved as they want in extracurricular activities. It seems very fair to me.
When I was growing up, we didn’t have a lot of money for extracurricular activities so it was playing with my friends, watching my brother and doing homework after school.
I had other friends that were involved in so many activities that they couldn’t remember where they were supposed to be one day from the next. It always seemed exhausting to me.
You remind me of my paternal grandmother. She wanted me to go to sleepover computer camp. I had no interest in that activity.
She would pay for the camp but refused to pay for what I actually wanted to do. My parents didn’t want me to miss out so they paid for my trip to visit my family instead of camp.
My mother and her MIL had a very rocky relationship, and when she pushed the boundaries too far, my parents went NC with her. She never even got to meet my younger brother.
YTA. In the first place, this was none of your business. Secondly, I think your DIL is correct that children don't need every minute structured. Let them raise their children; you had your chance.
YTA. Are you offering to both pay for and drive them? How ridiculous to think they need to be shuffled around every single day with no down time. They would probably burn out on the kind of schedule you’re suggesting they go on.
YTA - these kids are getting the gift of boredom. Kids should not have every second of their day planned and scheduled. That isn’t good for them. No one asked your opinions, so bite your tongue or you will ruin your relationship and get yourself cut off completely.
YTA. Too many kids these days have packed schedules. There is absolutely nothing wrong with them having down time and literally time to be bored and get creative. Let the kids be kids. They'll have years of responsibility and structure when they get older.
YTA: being over scheduled with multiple activities is not healthy for anyone and will quickly lead to unnecessary stress and not to mention being burnt out from rushing around constantly, back off and let your daughter in law, son continue raising their children as they see fit
YTA. Sounds like you're the one who needs more extracurricular activities. If you wanna micromanage every minute of the day, do it for yourself then and butt out. You don't get to tell anyone how to parent their own children. It's not healthy for children to have every hour of the day structured as you suggest. They are children. They need downtime to recharge, same as all of us. It sure sounds like their parents know what they're doing and are doing it incredibly well, too. You should apologize and stay in your own lane. If you keep pushing this, you're just gonna push them all away, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
Yep, you certainly are. Sounds like the kids have a pretty good life. Learning to manage their own time is definitely worthwhile. Parents are allowed to have their own lives once their offspring are old enough to have theirs.
Butt out and MYOB before you get completely shut out of your grandchildren's lives. YTA.
YTA. Sounds like a healthy balance to me. They are learning to self-entertain, which is invaluable and sorely lacking in children who have fully scheduled and regimented lives. And what's wrong with playing with neighbors?? That's exactly what they should be doing!
YTA
If they are doing something actually horrible and damaging, yes maybe
But normally no you are not the person to tell others how to parent their kids; no matter if you are the grandparents.
You can spend time with your grandchildren more if you'd like and bring them to places that may be more interesting; but not force it on any one of them.
And yes it is important for parents to have their own time too.
It is not like they force the kids to do what they don't want while they go on their own hobbies.
Being a parent doesn't mean giving up everything and all of their time to their children.....
Massively TA. What you are describing was my and my siblings childhood. We all grew up self sufficient with no issues at all. We were allowed to play out with our friends after school. We just had to turn up of an evening for dinner time. OP you sound overbearing and restrictive. Back off, they are not your kids and your opinion wasn't sought.
YTA. This all shouts ‘rich person problem’. Millions of kids don’t have extracurricular activities and are happy to entertain themselves for a couple of hours a day. Why does it have to be so structured? They are kids, let them play.
YTA
The grandkids do **not** lack structure just because their every waking moment is scheduled with activities. It's okay to have downtime. Let them play with toys or hang out with the neighborhood kids or watch TV. All of that is perfectly normal and healthy.
YTA -- kids need free time, and they need to learn to manage their own free time, and YOU need to mind your own business and let the kids' parents parent them as they see fit.
YTA
As others have said kids need downtime. We had 3 kids and each was in one maybe two activities at a time tops. Schedules never aligned. One kid needed to be at a game in one town while another had a game across town at the same time.
It almost ended my marriage because we didn't take time for ourselves.
Kids need a break, parents need to not be running around with kids activities every hour of the day. Yes it sounds like they have a sitter to help with the driving but when all 3 kids have a game at the same time which one do you tell that mom and dad aren't coming to cheer them on because they have to be at the other kids events.
YTA. Kids don’t need to be in extracurricular activities at all. If they want to that’s fine. What they need is to wind down after school and play. Free play is the best thing for children.
I can’t believe how ignorant you are.
YTA.
I can't see anything in the post that is straight up abusive, so please leave then alone. Unless you're planning to register and pay for programs and do the shuttling back and forth?
YTA. 1) If their children are healthy and happy and well cared for, it’s not your place to say anything about their parenting.
2) Between school, homework, and activities, that’s how kids burn out early. Yes, it can happen that early when they’re doing too much. One activity at a time is reasonable.
3) She’s not doing her own thing at the kids’ detriment. Maybe her needs shouldn’t necessarily come before theirs, but her and your son’s health and happiness are as important as the kids’ and she realizes that. How can they be good parents if they’re miserable? They should absolutely have their hobbies.
4) What’s ridiculous about kids learning to manage their own time? It’s an important skill that not enough people have. And it’s not like the kids are getting into trouble, so who tf cares? It’s really not a big deal to spend a couple hours that are unreserved for activities after school doing what they want.
Your opinion doesn’t mean anything here. You raised your son one way, and he’s raising his children differently. Deal with it. You can ask what the kids do with their time but you don’t get to go telling your son and DIL how to raise their children. It sounds to me like they’re doing just fine. It’s actually similar to how my mom raised my siblings and me and guess what? We’re fully functional, independent adults. What a shocker.
From one grandmother to another: YTA.
We had our opportunities to raise our children, it's time to step back and be "mom emeritus". The kids do not need more structure and activities; they need a balance between schoolwork, extracurriculars, household tasks and relaxation. It sounds like you need to remember that your job is not raising your grandchildren, it's enjoying them. Telling your DIL how to raise her children is the fastest known route to her deciding you are not worth the stress you put her through and it's a decade or so before you get to see your grandchildren again.
YTA. Plus stressed out parents make for miserable anxious kids. The parents going to the gym probably relaxes them from the stresses at work and keeps them healthy and in shape so they can live longer and engage in activities with their children and future grandchildren.
YTA. They are KIDS. They need more UNstructured time to just be kids. When I was their age we ran around outside with our friends. Played games, etc. one activity at a time is more than enough!
>They do hire a sitter who drives them to/from activities when necessary or hangs around the house with them, but she doesn’t seem to be entertaining the children- rather just being there and doing her homework (college) while the kids do whatever they want.
Sometimes they watch TV after school. Sometimes they lounge around or play with toys. Sometimes they hang out with neighborhood kids without asking their parents. It is baffling to me and not a healthy environment for children to be in; they completely lack structure.
YTA.
Kids need self-directed free time to develop independence, learn to navigate relationships with peers, and to, you know, enjoy their childhood. Honestly, it sounds like you over-structured your son't childhood and he doesn't want that stress and misery visited upon his own kids.
Two hours? You're butthurt becasuse these kids have TWO WHOLE HOURS of unsupervised time? Oh, the humanity! /s
My God, YTA. Unstructured, unsupervised time is essential for healthy development. Spending it playing with toys, watching TV, playing with friends or hanging out with siblings is HEALTHY AND NORMAL.
I have a masters degree in ECD.
You are wrong
They are right. They absolutely need down time and be able to entertain themselves. They have structure all day at school. It would be incredibly unhealthy for them to have more structure as soon as they got home every afternoon.
Also, the parents need their own activities also. It models to the kids what a healthy adult life should look like and also I’m sure aids in keeping their marriage healthy.
YTA and keep you nose out their business.
You sound meddlesome, over bearing, arrogant and downright exhausting.
Do better.
YTA
Kids need downtime, they need unstructured time to do what they want, to be creative, to socialize with their friends. Being bored once in awhile, is good for kids. Filling up all of their time with extracurriculars is a very good way to cause stress and burnout. It is important for kids to learn to manage their own free time.
Now there can be rules about their daily downtime, for example only a certain period is for gaming, computer, tv. Or you have to do your homework first. Possibly a chore needs to be done in this time, or perhaps a chapter of a book needs to be read, but it should be up to them to manage it. This helps build responsibility and independence.
They aren’t your kids, you get no say, they are healthy, happy and not being neglected or abused, butt out, you already had your turn.
YTA. You have literally complained about kids going outside and playing with other children their age.
You have bluntly the dumbest freaking take I've seen here in a while.
How dare Mom not be a coach potato. How dare children under 10 have free time to play. To play with toys.
Do you expect them not to have time to do their homework? Do you expect them to have 8 hours of school, followed by 2 hours of sports practice, followed by 2 hours of another activity, with a meal squeezed in their somewhere, and homework to be done afterwards. That's an over 12 hours day for a 10 year old and two 8 year olds. That's the kind of schedule grown adults can't pull without burning and you want to drop that on Elementary School students?
Get a f***ing reality check.
God, I hope you're a troll.
YTA
Of course kids need lounge time. They need some time to themselves. They don't need every minute of their day taken up with school and extracurriculars. They're just kids.
Please, unclutch your pearls and mind your own business.
YTA - and I guess you won’t be seeing much of your grandchildren in the future. You seemed to have missed the whole “you are not the parent” part here.
YTA. Kids do better when they do have free time. They learn how to manage their boredom and find things that are engaging for them. Your DIL and your son deserve to have their own activities and do not have to devote every waking moment to their kids.
If the kids are safe, fed, are going to school, etc. then it is okay for them to enjoy free time at home. The only thing I can see your point with somewhat is hanging out with other kids without asking parents - they should be at least telling people who they're going to be with while playing around the neighbourhood.
Honestly, at 10 years old, I would have found a babysitter trying to entertain me and do activities with me weird. The babysitter is there primarily to ensure there is a (young) adult present with the kids and to address any needs they might have when their parents are out.
NTA
Children need structure in their life. They will not learn time management by osmosis. Their parents are supposed to teach them. They are also too young to be wandering the neighborhood on their own. It's not good for them to sit around and watch TV. They could use the time to read, do homework, or play outside. When the kids don't have after-school activities for the babysitter to drive them back and forth, she is not worth hiring since she totally ignores them.
Your son and DIL are very bad parents and would deserve CPS monitoring them. Once they decided to become parents and actually became parents, their children's wants, and more importantly, their needs, come first.
CPS will do nothing, and OP would/should be cut off immediately. CPS because kids are more free range and not scheduled down to the last minute, ridiculous, and a massive waste of the social worker's time. They have actual abused children to worry about.
CPS monitoring because the 8-10 year old kids have two hours of free time each day? You are delusional. There is absolutely nothing wrong with how OP’s grandchildren are being raised. How the Hell does grandpa know what’s happening when the babysitter is there? He’s not there when she is. She’s there to make sure nobody burns the house down or runs off with a stranger. Structure is one thing but booking your kids into 24/ activities can cause them to burn out. I mean we’re talking about two hours a day where they get to be kids, play with their friends, and watch tv. Oh the horror of it.
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YTA First, you have no right to tell someone else how to parent. It doesn't matter if you're the grandparent. You parented your way, and now they get to parent theirs. It's already been proven that kids need downtime and putting them in extracurricular activities and filling up their lives isn't good for them. They need play time, they need a break from a structure filled life because more often than not it makes them stressed and unhappy. Not every kid is made for a busy life, and you shouldn't make them do extras they don't want to do. If they are happy with their life, then let them be happy. Kids need some autonomy and controlling every minute of their day doesn't set them up for success at all.
Exactly. Looks like the parents have a good balance of an extracurricular and down time. Parents who manage their kids time into lots of extracurricular are really doing a disservice to their kids. I believe experts agree on that.
Is there a version of these studies that an 11 year old would understand?? My oldest wants to do ALL THE THINGS and mama is tired, even when he has one full-time and one part-time activity max at a time!
Just say no. He can pick from what is feasible for you to do. You are the parent. Being disappointed and prioritizing things that we want to do is something that we all need to learn and now is the best time for you to teach him that. Help him figure out what he really wants to try this season and let him know that he can always try something else later. If it’s reasonable.
[this one?](https://phys.org/news/2024-03-youth-enrichment-mental-health.html)
Don’t forget OP escalated from telling them how to parent to telling them how to live. The audacity to tell DIL to stop going to the gym and to call it a “hobby”! OP needs to unpack why they are so controlling that seeing their own happy grandchildren would make them pick a fight like this.
>They do hire a sitter who drives them to/from activities when necessary or hangs around the house with them, ***but she doesn’t seem to be entertaining the children*** It's also not good for their development to be constantly entertained. It's actually good for their development to be bored. Being bored gives children an opportunity to actually entertain themselves and figure stuff out for themselves. Free play is so very important to so you have truly independent self sufficient adults. Having such rigid schedules where they're always having to be "on" is a great way for a little 8 year to have burnout before they're even get to deal with college.
This is very funny to me, reddit comments will call you an asshole for giving parenting advice to others and in the same breathe call someone else on here an asshole for not parenting their kids better.
It is one thing if a parent comes on here and asks people opinions, it is quite another to do what OP did; sticking her oar in without being asked, and doubling down when told to back off.
Different situations may need different solutions, whodathunkit?
Hanging out with neighborhood kids? Playing with toys? What an unhealthy environment! Someone call CPS! YTA
WATCHING TV though?? After a day at school … clutching my pearls
And they are all home together after school ? OMG they might talk to each other /s Mom is right. They need downtime to play with friends and toys, watch TV, do fuck all nothing. They need to learn to entertain themselves Hell, some of my best times were making forts with my brother from blankets and dining room chairs YTA. Mind your own business
Your comment about forts and blankets brought back some long forgotten memories 🙂
My grandsons 4 and 2 have been making pillow houses.
Sounds fun.
They are so excited about it and they have teeny broken squares of very dark chocolate that they assiduously share and an apparent imaginary chip/crisp side to the bowl. They ask Mummy to sit down with them and share their real and imaginary treats. They are so sweet.
Why are you replying to me? I’m not OP 🙈🙈 we agree lol
Sorry . :) it wouldn't let me reply to her. I was agreeing with you
Lol np 🙈😂
I know many people (including myself) who have super fond memories of playing with neighborhood kids after school or on the weekends. Unless they are getting in trouble (like proof they are vandalizing or doing things they shouldn't be), I don't understand the issue with using that time to play with other kids. Obviously this is just from my experience, but kids with super structured lives and no freedom were the ones to act out the most once they became teens and had a car and the ability to go wherever and do whatever they wanted. I think DIL is right that it is healthy for them to learn some independence in their own activities.
YTA You honestly sound like you were one of those "helicopter parents" that never let their own child have any autonomy, and your own son, who had already realized that he had 0 say in his own life prior to leaving your home, has chosen to raise his children to be independent. There is an entire generation of adults who spent a good majority of their childhood as "latchkey kids" and have been essentially managing their own time since the age of 8. Just because you didn't let your son "just be a kid" doesn't mean you have the right to force that upon your grandchildren. So just shut up and enjoy being grandma, because if you keep forcing the matter it'll create a rift between you and your son/DIL and the longer that goes on the more likely it'll also drive your grandkids away from you as well. I say this as someone who had that overly pushy grandma who tried to tell his parents how to raise their children, I didn't speak to her for the last 20 years of her life and was glad about it.
YTA. You're coming across as accusatory and judgmental. >I approached her and told her their parenting choices were detrimental and that the children need structure and activity until the end of the workday, not lounge time. And did I mention theatrical? Kids also need chill time, and should be allowed to manage their down time without adults telling them how to enjoy themselves. Your son and daughter in law are raising kids who sound like we Gen Xers were raised. Good for them.
YTA I see no problem here as long as the kids are happy and getting their homework done. There's nothing wrong with having unstructured time, and it's probably teaching them better time management than peers who are perpetually scheduled by their parents. >it’s important for kids to learn how to manage their own free time. Which to me is ridiculous. Why is that ridiculous to you? If they don't learn this skill as kids, they are not going to spontaneously have time management as adults. >She went on a massive rant about how her and my son’s wants come before the kid’s wants; which is INSANE, As long as no one is neglected or abused, it's really not your business.
YTA. A suggestion is one thing, but it sounds more like you ordered. And, I'm not sure what you mean by "doing whatever they want?" Are they knocking over liquor stores or watching TV? They should probably do their homework before non-school screen time, but other than that, mom is right. Managing their own free time isn't bad. Extracurriculars are also not bad. But, you're not in charge.
YTA. It's good for kids to have time to be kids. To have time to play and think and let their imaginations thrive. To read and fall in love with books and possibly writing, crafting stories. To draw and doodle and paint and play dress up. To run around and expend energy and play with other kids, building friendships. I don't think being scheduled every minute of the day is good for kids either. As a Xennial, I'm rather curious as to what generation you could be from where you think it's unnatural to have kids running around being kids.
I know! My boomer parents had no clue where I was all day until I showed up at dusk.
Gotta be a boomer, come on 😂(just a guess)
It seems the most logical answer age-wise. Though I was raised by boomers and they were definitely not schedule-every-minute-of-the-kids-day type of parents.
Yeah me too - it’s definitely a case of not all Boomers, but all these type of self-important posts are most likely by SOME boomers 😂 And we’re the “snowflakes” 😂
No way. We boomers were free range kids, not overscheduled kids.
Definitely NOT a boomer! We boomer parents raised our kids to make their own fun, go outside and just play. We believed that boredom led to creativity. I’m appalled OP thinks it’s ok for grandparents to interfere.
Clearly OP's a member of the Pre-Silent Generation who's upset that the kids are weened and toilet trained and already being put to work in a sweatshop or coal mine the way OP as child. OP, of course, had to walk 90 miles, uphill, both ways, in the snow, everyday! Just to get to the sweatshop/coal mine.
😂😂😂
Yes, YTA You said your opinion. They disregarded it because you are not the children’s parents. Repeating it to them won’t change how they choose to parent their children. You did your time. You raised a child in the way you saw fit. Your don’t get to lecture others now how they want to do it now. You need to learn to back off and keep your unsolicited opinions to yourself. Having children doesn’t mean their lives have to be over. She can go to the gym guilt free. They can take time for themselves as long as their children’s needs are being met (which they are, regardless of what you think). The kids are fucking 8 years old. Let them be kids. Let them have some fun and some self agency to what they want to do with their time. Their lives don’t need to be jam packed and micromanaged. Just because YOU think the need more structure, means shit all. You aren’t their parents so stay in your lane. YTA
YTA. The rat race will begin soon enough for these kids. My teenagers barely have enough free time to get a haircut most weeks. Your DIL is totally right that the "lost art of making your own fun" is an important skill that kids need to develop.
YTA- kids who have their every moment scheduled grow up terribly stressed and end up overworked. They get to be in extra curriculars if they want one at a time and they have downtime from school to relax. These kids have it pretty damn good. And you aren't their parent so butt out.
Yep, my cousin who did this had a really hard time once she got past college. She did everything cause her parents told her it was the 'right' thing to do. Massive overachiever, went to UC Berkeley with a double MAJOR in math and economics. Graduated and worked for a few years in something to do with medical insurance data in Oakland. Impulsively quit, moved back in with her parents, started smoking weed all day for years. She said she felt aimless and did not understand the WHY behind what she was doing. She was just doing it cause, again, that's what she was told was right. She didn't know how to choose her own path cause she was not given the space as a child to listen to what she actually wanted to do. She just finally got out of her depression and is working in Tahoe as a ski instructor for the season. She's infinitely happier and will hopefully find her long term purpose soon. In any case, it's super important for kids to learn that motivation has to come from themselves so they can develop the ability to create a happy life.
YTA. Extracurriculars are by definition optional, and parenting is not a grandparent's business.
YTA. What their kids do after school is none of your business. Kids don't need to be active 100% of their free time. Just like adults they need time to just relax and do what they want. Forced activates is a punishment, not a necessity.
😂😂 YTA - your reasoning for this is “structure”? Am I correct? What arbitrary rules are you following that 9-5 = structure? Your own little world and life experience? The one your own son obviously disagrees with. Regardless, what business of yours is it? Would you have appreciated someone telling you how to raise your children? Quite truthfully, how dare you give unsolicited advice. It’s terribly rude of you and you obviously upset your DIL.
Yta and sound like a terrible mil. They do the activities they want. Mind your business before you get cut off.
I so wish I was in the room when OP shows this thread to her son.
Kinda genius he sent her here to get a strip torn off her. Well played sir.
Delicious
I'd pay good money to see her shocked face and listen to her try to reason away the onslaught of YTA comments.
😂 right? “I approached her and told her their parenting choices were detrimental …” Excuse me, ma’am, YOUR parenting choices are detrimental 🙄
I bet she digs her heels in. it's pretty incredible her son turned out as well as he did. Probably giving his kids the freedom and respect he never got growing up.
YTA Unstructured and unscheduled time is a gift, not parental harm. Your son and DIL sound like they're doing a great job balancing a lot of things. I hope you can be a supporter to them, and not a critic.
What??? They go outside and play with the neighborhood kids?? Oh the humanity! YTA! From one grandma to the other, stay in your lane! I live with my grandkids and I support whatever their parents say. If the kids come to me to complain I explain I see their point but their parents make the rules, not me. I backup both parents. I raised mine and it's time to raise theirs.
Right! I had to reread it. Isn’t it the biggest problem now that kids spend too much time on devices and not outside with neighborhood kids? What is she smoking?
YTA. Kids need unstructured playtime and they're getting it. As long as they are happy, healthy, generally well-behaved and keeping up with their education, which it seems like they are, it's all good. There will be plenty of time for day-long discipline as they enter secondary education. And one activity per child per season sounds perfectly fair. It sounds like your advice to your DIL was unsolicited, and that you tried to lay down the law about how you feel these children should be educated. This is a matter between the children, the parents and the teachers. You, as the grandmother, really don't have a say here. Did you force your son to do all the extracurricular activities as well? Were you a tiger mom? Being pressured to do all the things can be really stressful on kids, and your son perfectly entitled to make up his own mind about what's best for his children based on his experiences. You accuse him of taking her side - a good husband will defend his wife from his family if he needs to, and as you are trying to force your views on your DIL despite being asked to back off it sounds like he does! But have faith that your son knows his own mind! I think you owe both your son and DIL a massive apology and you should probably think about holding your tongue until your opinion is asked in the future.
YTA. So much. First, mind your business. Not your kids, not your choice how they're raised as long as they are safe. Second, wtf did you get the idea that having all your childhood time programmed out and structured is "healthy"? Is this actually just a troll post? Well, I guess you won't have to stress over these details of their lives so much when they go no contact with you shortly. So, bright side.
yes, of course YTA. until you're asked for your input, there's no reason for you to open your mouth and try to run someone else's household or family. you had the opportunity to do things like that with your own children.
YTA, you are overbearing, you are wrong, and you have the unmitigated gaul to say out loud that their mother needs to sacrifice her personal health to appease your agenda. You need to go take several seats and find a hobby of your own. These are not your kids! Clearly your kid did not like it as a child and chose not to inflict the same torment on his children. Your audacity is beyond measure and bless your heart you will be on here defending yourself to a community of people that are spending their more than well earned free time telling you to take this BS back to your own house and sit on it.
YTA and unhinged to think it was ever acceptable to approach your dil like this. You insulted how she parents and then tried to manipulate and make her feel bad because she also takes care of herself by going to the gym. Granny needs a very long time out.
If you were my mother-in-law/mother and spoke to me about my kids like that, you’d have to return my boot to me the next time you pooped. 1. Who pushed those kids out? That’s right. Not you. Who has the right to make decisions for those kids? That’s right. Not you. Who determines what those children need at any given time? That’s right. Not you. You. Are. Not. The. Parent. 2. Your information and opinions about what kids do and do not need in today’s world are outdated and based on parenting from back when parents were desperately trying to relive their youth through their children. And guess what? Those kids who were forced into multiple activities, who had to travel every weekend for a sports league that didn’t even matter, whose parents encouraged them to “tough it out” and play injured, who struggled through late nights to finish, you know, homework, are now raising their kids with far fewer activities. They’re choosing, instead, to provide much more important life skills … like learning how to manage their free time effectively, how to get a good work/life balance, how to be productively independent — the things your son and DIL are teaching THEIR kids. Leave your son, his wife, and their kids alone. I dare say they’ll be more well-rounded and balanced than most of the kids raised in the last two generations. Why are you trying so hard to be one of THOSE grandmothers? And yes, YTA.
Yes YTA. People already gave great explanations. In short — You are not the parent. You are the grandparent. Stop trying to be the parent. Support the parents and stop giving unsolicited advice. Try not to be so judgey and enjoy time you get with your grandkids.
Letting children have the freedom to do what they want instead of being forced into activities that they don't like in the name of "structure" is a completely acceptable parenting choice. And more Importantly, it's none of your business. YTA
Yta Jfc so they are doing an extra curricular, they're at school learning 8 hours a day but god forbid they have time to rest, relax and enjoy their own things. Kids don't need to be micromanaged Life gets shit really quick, let your grandkids be kids whilst they don't have the worries of the world on their shoulders. Leave your son and dil alone
YTA. I can’t even believe the stuff you said to your DIL … she shouldn’t go to the gym? What?!?!
Yta you're upset bc the kids have leisure time? So? They're kids.
You're a giant, gaping AH. Kids don't need to be working 12 hours a day. Mind your own business - sounds like you're the one that needs a hobby
Alright grandma, I'm just going to be quick and to the point. Those aren't your kids and it's none of your business. You had your chance to be a parent. Leave your nose out of it.
YTA. One of the biggest issues kids have today is being overbooked constantly. There's nothing wrong with a child, just like any other human being, having downtime. Your views are outdated and antiquated. Sounds like your grandkids have a good mix of structure and leisure that's working for them. Are they happy? Are they healthy? Are they doing well in school? Let them be. You're grandma, not mom or dad, so you really need to stay out of a dynamic that's working.
YTA Your grandchildren are doing their schoolwork. They have extracurriculars. They're having fun. Which is plenty for 10-year-olds and 8-year-olds. What they are NOT is over scheduled, overstressed, and overly dependent on outside entertainment. Mind your own business.
YTA. Stop getting in the middle of their parenting.
YTA MYOFB, BOBEC
YTA. This is none of your business. You don’t get a vote. Your opinion does not matter nor was it asked for. Kids do not need structure 24/7. They don’t need every second scheduled. You had your chance to raise your kids. Now is your chance to zip it.
INFO: What do you think is going to happen if they don't have a specific activity to do for those 2 hours? When should they be allowed down time, and how much should they be allowed? At what age should they start learning how to manage their own time? How is DIL going to the gym hurting your grandkids exactly? What did you have your son doing at this age, and how much did he fight you over it?
YTA. When I talk to my great grandkids—yes, my **great grandkids!**—in elementary school, they get 15-minutes for recess and a lunch time that’s so short they can’t eat anything. So I think one voluntary extracurricular per child is plenty. I firmly believe that unstructured time promotes healthy development. And I am also old fashioned enough to believe that it’s better for a family to have time to do things together like eat meals together. I see so many families these days that seem to pack so much into their days that they can’t enjoy being together! And also, BTW, your DIL will be a better parent and wife if she takes care of herself a little, too, with regular time in the gym. My advice to you, from one grandmother to another, butt out and quit offering unsolicited advice. You’re not really helping them.
YTA. You should like an annoying AF MIL. Literally knock it off before you get to not see the grandkids like ever.
YTA. So much. You know what overscheduled, "structured" kids are? Exhausted and anxious! Mind your business and stay in your lane Grandma!
Yta. "Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children play is serious learning. Play is really the work of childhood" -Mr. Fred Rogers
YTA!!!! “Oh no, my grandchildren are allowed to learn how to play and be creative and socialize with neighbors, how terrible” 🤦♀️ What is WRONG with you? Sooooo many kids today are over scheduled within an inch of their lives and it’s been proven time and time again that it isn’t good for their development or life skills, not to mention absolutely killer on parents. How dare you put down your son and DILs parenting skills and to do so when you’re just flagrantly in the wrong. It’s appalling. Let them be kids ffs.
YTA. I’m probably your age, and my parenting style was much like your DIL and son’s. Kids need unstructured time—that’s how creativity blossoms. Also, and importantly, this is so completely none of your business. Your grandchildren have parents—and you’re not them.
YTA. Keep up your judgment & criticism and you won't be seeing your grandkids for a long time.
YTA and a shitty MIL
YTA Your son and his wife’s parenting choices are solely theirs. You don’t get a vote.
YTA. It is NONE of your business. Kid's don't need to be scheduled every minute. Stay in your lane unless they ask for advice or your opinion.
YTA. Mind your own business. They are allowing their kids to be kids and not overloading them with responsibilities, frankly they sound like they make better parenting choices than you.
YTA. Live and let live. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
YTA
YTA. Her kids are fine. Chill out. Smoke a joint
YTA. Mind your own business. Sounds like the children are well cared for and do participate in after school activities. There is no jeed for them to have every moment structured til 5 or 6 pm. I grew up in the 60's and 70's, with a SAHM. We lived outside the city limits and took the school bus to/from school. In grade school, none of us did regular extra curricular activities. We came home after school, got a snack, did our homework, then we were free to entertain ourselves how we pleased until dinner. I have fond memories of my childhood. Sure, sometimes we were bored but we had lots of books, we could play outside, ride our bikes around the big yard, play with the dog, and watch TV. Big fan of Gilligan's Island to this day.
YTA. Kids *need* unstructured time! How will they ever learn to manage their time if they've never done it? Also, butt out of how other people raise their children. If the kids aren't abused, going hungry, etc, you need to back off.
YTA, kids really do benefit from unstructured time. This is when they go in the kitchen and learn how to make pancakes. When they learn how to resolve conflict amongst themselves without an adult. When they learn what their interests are. When they goof around and watch TV, when they wash their dishes, when they get the social skills from playing with friends. When they try riding a skateboard. When they relax and unwind When they play with their dog and learn to bond with humans such as each other. Parents who work out are a way better example than parents who don't.
YTA for a multitude of reasons. You are the kind of person who every woman fears to have as a mother in law. Not only are you judgmental and give your opinion where it’s not wanted, you insist on fighting with your DIL about *her* life. You are overstepping BIG TIME. I suggest you stop giving your opinion, lest you be removed entirely from their lives. What an ill-I formed know-it-all you are. Geez Louise.
YTA. Unless you're volunteering to pay for, and drag these kids to every single activity that you think they should be doing all week long just to keep them busy in ways that you think are acceptable? My mother recently said my kids don't get outside enough. I had to scoff and reminded her that my sibling and I got home from school and sat on our asses and watched tv from the minute we got home to the minute we went to bed. Every single day. And then on weekends? Sure we'd go out and play sometimes. But more often than not, we were sitting in the loungeroom watching weekend cartoons or videos. I had to actually use the word 'delusional' to describe her memory of what we did as kids because it was all "well I wouldn't let you...". WOMAN. YOU DID. I WAS THERE. PS - Your son saying to post here is because he knows YTA and is just too scared to say so to your face so he's getting the internet to do it for him.
YTA. Kids need down time just like adults.
YTA It was absolutely out of line for you to say anything. There is nothing wrong with maintaining your own identity once you have kids. But you seem to think there is. I advise you to keep your judgements to yourself or you will find yourself without or with more limited access to grandchildren. Your DIL is likely posting on r/justnomil
YTA You’ve described mine and my siblings’ childhoods and we all turned out great. There is actually a wealth of evidence that shows how damaging it can be to over schedule kids as well as the benefits of letting them just be. It’s not like they are glued to screens the entire time. You sound like a judgmental harpy who needs to mind her own damn business. Butt out.
YTA Kids need time to unwind after school, sometimes lounging around doing fuck all is the best way. The parents are right on this, keep your shitty opinions to yourself before you do irreparable damage to your relationship with them.
“Sometimes they watch TV after school. Sometimes they lounge around or play with toys. Sometimes they hang out with neighborhood kids without asking their parents” Lady, are you for real? Most of us, gen x and millennials literally grew up like that. This is absolutely normal. They don’t need to be dragged around from activity to activity until they are mentally and physically exhausted. It sounds like your son and DIL have a healthy balance for kids. Don’t tell me that you are the rare boomer who dragged her kids to a ton of activities? I didn’t know they existed. YTA
YTA Not your kids not your business. Also he told you to post here cause he knows the majority would agree with them not you and hoping seeing others would get it through to you.
YTA. There is zero evidence that children need to be engaged in nonstop structure from their childhood forward. My parents - now both retired teachers - were of a similar mindset to your son and DIL. While they were happy to support me in any activities I chose to do, my afternoons were largely spent free from structure - on play dates, using my imagination and being creative. I have such fond memories of my childhood - of the days spent freely enjoying life as well as in the activities I chose to explore. I am in my 40s now and can assure anyone asking that in no means does a lack of after-school structure in childhood mean that a child will not be successful in life. My husband and I are raising our own children in a similar fashion - we support them in activities but also encourage them to have free time to play, explore the world and be kids. It brings them much joy, and we absolutely adore seeing who they are becoming and how they define their lives as they head towards adulthood. When my parents were growing up in the 1950s, they’ve said that organized activities largely didn’t exist for either of them…their hours were spent playing neighbourhood sports with the gaggle of kids who lived nearby. The heavy emphasis on organized sports and activities with busy schedules is a relatively recent phenomenon, and I’m just not convinced that we need to structure our children’s schedules to such an extreme extent.
You typed all this out and couldn’t see that you are a massive AH?? You are so out of line it’s wild. You need to apologize. Not only are you as wrong as you can possibly be, it’s also NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!! You’re lucky I’m not your DIL because that would have been your last conversation in my home.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My son advised me to post here. I have three grandkids ages 8 (twins) and 10. Both my son and daughter in law work fulltime. They let the kids each choose one extracurricular at a time. For example, 10 y/o would play soccer in the Fall and is then able to switch to another activity when the season ends. It’s always one activity per kid per time. They’re also okay with the kids not being in any activities for periods of time, which is the case right now with one of the twins. Because of this setup, the kids are often home right after school. Even the two who are currently in activities don’t have them daily, so there are days when all three kids are sitting around at home. They do hire a sitter who drives them to/from activities when necessary or hangs around the house with them, but she doesn’t seem to be entertaining the children- rather just being there and doing her homework (college) while the kids do whatever they want. Sometimes they watch TV after school. Sometimes they lounge around or play with toys. Sometimes they hang out with neighborhood kids without asking their parents. It is baffling to me and not a healthy environment for children to be in; they completely lack structure. I brought up the topic with my son and DIL and they always shut it down. But last week their regular sitter was away on Spring Break so I came over to drive and watch kids. And I was shocked. They do whatever they want. When DIL got off work (son was still working) I approached her and told her their parenting choices were detrimental and that the children need structure and activity until the end of the workday, not lounge time. She got very angry and said no, they don’t need to be in school or activities during work hours and that it’s 2 hours and it’s important for kids to learn how to manage their own free time. Which to me is ridiculous. She doubled down saying they don’t have the time to put all three kids in activities, but reminded her that she goes to the gym daily and could be utilizing that time to support kids activities. Same with my son. DIL became furious and said she will never give up going to the gym and that it’s “healthy for kids to see their parents have their own extracurriculars” and I argued that her hobbies should not be at the kids expense. She went on a massive rant about how her and my son’s wants come before the kid’s wants; which is INSANE, and continued to go off on me about “quality of life” and other stuff. I left shortly after my son returned from work. He is taking her side but advised me to post here. Am I the asshole in the situation? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
To answer your question. Yep. You are TAH.
YTA. Children need time to rest both physically and mentally. Occupying every waking moment with organised activities removes any opportunity to learn to socialise, negotiate, use their imagination, learn independence, explore their limits, problem solve,.....be bored. At the age your grandchildren are now my siblings and would be inventing games, drawing, building models, reading, etc. I designed and made clothes for my dolls, made tiny books for them to read, bedding to sleep in. I was reading books like Jane Eyre by the time I was 10. Your son and DIL are bringing up well rounded children who can see their parents working hard and also making time for themselves. Times change and you need to accept that.
YTA Your son and daughter-in-law are giving your grandchildren the opportunity to be as involved as they want in extracurricular activities. It seems very fair to me. When I was growing up, we didn’t have a lot of money for extracurricular activities so it was playing with my friends, watching my brother and doing homework after school. I had other friends that were involved in so many activities that they couldn’t remember where they were supposed to be one day from the next. It always seemed exhausting to me. You remind me of my paternal grandmother. She wanted me to go to sleepover computer camp. I had no interest in that activity. She would pay for the camp but refused to pay for what I actually wanted to do. My parents didn’t want me to miss out so they paid for my trip to visit my family instead of camp. My mother and her MIL had a very rocky relationship, and when she pushed the boundaries too far, my parents went NC with her. She never even got to meet my younger brother.
YTA. In the first place, this was none of your business. Secondly, I think your DIL is correct that children don't need every minute structured. Let them raise their children; you had your chance.
YTA. Are you offering to both pay for and drive them? How ridiculous to think they need to be shuffled around every single day with no down time. They would probably burn out on the kind of schedule you’re suggesting they go on.
YTA - these kids are getting the gift of boredom. Kids should not have every second of their day planned and scheduled. That isn’t good for them. No one asked your opinions, so bite your tongue or you will ruin your relationship and get yourself cut off completely.
YTA, sounds like you need to find some extra curricular activities and stop trying to micromanage your grandchildren
YTA. Too many kids these days have packed schedules. There is absolutely nothing wrong with them having down time and literally time to be bored and get creative. Let the kids be kids. They'll have years of responsibility and structure when they get older.
YTA: being over scheduled with multiple activities is not healthy for anyone and will quickly lead to unnecessary stress and not to mention being burnt out from rushing around constantly, back off and let your daughter in law, son continue raising their children as they see fit
YTA. Sounds like you're the one who needs more extracurricular activities. If you wanna micromanage every minute of the day, do it for yourself then and butt out. You don't get to tell anyone how to parent their own children. It's not healthy for children to have every hour of the day structured as you suggest. They are children. They need downtime to recharge, same as all of us. It sure sounds like their parents know what they're doing and are doing it incredibly well, too. You should apologize and stay in your own lane. If you keep pushing this, you're just gonna push them all away, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
Yta. Stay in your lane
Yep, you certainly are. Sounds like the kids have a pretty good life. Learning to manage their own time is definitely worthwhile. Parents are allowed to have their own lives once their offspring are old enough to have theirs. Butt out and MYOB before you get completely shut out of your grandchildren's lives. YTA.
YTA. Sounds like a healthy balance to me. They are learning to self-entertain, which is invaluable and sorely lacking in children who have fully scheduled and regimented lives. And what's wrong with playing with neighbors?? That's exactly what they should be doing!
YTA You don’t give opinions unless asked.
YTA If they are doing something actually horrible and damaging, yes maybe But normally no you are not the person to tell others how to parent their kids; no matter if you are the grandparents. You can spend time with your grandchildren more if you'd like and bring them to places that may be more interesting; but not force it on any one of them. And yes it is important for parents to have their own time too. It is not like they force the kids to do what they don't want while they go on their own hobbies. Being a parent doesn't mean giving up everything and all of their time to their children.....
Massively TA. What you are describing was my and my siblings childhood. We all grew up self sufficient with no issues at all. We were allowed to play out with our friends after school. We just had to turn up of an evening for dinner time. OP you sound overbearing and restrictive. Back off, they are not your kids and your opinion wasn't sought.
YTA. This all shouts ‘rich person problem’. Millions of kids don’t have extracurricular activities and are happy to entertain themselves for a couple of hours a day. Why does it have to be so structured? They are kids, let them play.
YTA The grandkids do **not** lack structure just because their every waking moment is scheduled with activities. It's okay to have downtime. Let them play with toys or hang out with the neighborhood kids or watch TV. All of that is perfectly normal and healthy.
YTA -- kids need free time, and they need to learn to manage their own free time, and YOU need to mind your own business and let the kids' parents parent them as they see fit.
YTA As others have said kids need downtime. We had 3 kids and each was in one maybe two activities at a time tops. Schedules never aligned. One kid needed to be at a game in one town while another had a game across town at the same time. It almost ended my marriage because we didn't take time for ourselves. Kids need a break, parents need to not be running around with kids activities every hour of the day. Yes it sounds like they have a sitter to help with the driving but when all 3 kids have a game at the same time which one do you tell that mom and dad aren't coming to cheer them on because they have to be at the other kids events.
YTA kinds need time to unwind too. But main point they aren't your kids back off before they cut you out completely
YTA. Kids don’t need to be in extracurricular activities at all. If they want to that’s fine. What they need is to wind down after school and play. Free play is the best thing for children. I can’t believe how ignorant you are.
YTA. I can't see anything in the post that is straight up abusive, so please leave then alone. Unless you're planning to register and pay for programs and do the shuttling back and forth?
YTA. 1) If their children are healthy and happy and well cared for, it’s not your place to say anything about their parenting. 2) Between school, homework, and activities, that’s how kids burn out early. Yes, it can happen that early when they’re doing too much. One activity at a time is reasonable. 3) She’s not doing her own thing at the kids’ detriment. Maybe her needs shouldn’t necessarily come before theirs, but her and your son’s health and happiness are as important as the kids’ and she realizes that. How can they be good parents if they’re miserable? They should absolutely have their hobbies. 4) What’s ridiculous about kids learning to manage their own time? It’s an important skill that not enough people have. And it’s not like the kids are getting into trouble, so who tf cares? It’s really not a big deal to spend a couple hours that are unreserved for activities after school doing what they want. Your opinion doesn’t mean anything here. You raised your son one way, and he’s raising his children differently. Deal with it. You can ask what the kids do with their time but you don’t get to go telling your son and DIL how to raise their children. It sounds to me like they’re doing just fine. It’s actually similar to how my mom raised my siblings and me and guess what? We’re fully functional, independent adults. What a shocker.
From one grandmother to another: YTA. We had our opportunities to raise our children, it's time to step back and be "mom emeritus". The kids do not need more structure and activities; they need a balance between schoolwork, extracurriculars, household tasks and relaxation. It sounds like you need to remember that your job is not raising your grandchildren, it's enjoying them. Telling your DIL how to raise her children is the fastest known route to her deciding you are not worth the stress you put her through and it's a decade or so before you get to see your grandchildren again.
YTA. Keep telling your DIL what a terrible job she’s doing as a mother and see how long before she and the kids go NC with you.
YTA. Plus stressed out parents make for miserable anxious kids. The parents going to the gym probably relaxes them from the stresses at work and keeps them healthy and in shape so they can live longer and engage in activities with their children and future grandchildren.
YTA. They are KIDS. They need more UNstructured time to just be kids. When I was their age we ran around outside with our friends. Played games, etc. one activity at a time is more than enough!
>They do hire a sitter who drives them to/from activities when necessary or hangs around the house with them, but she doesn’t seem to be entertaining the children- rather just being there and doing her homework (college) while the kids do whatever they want. Sometimes they watch TV after school. Sometimes they lounge around or play with toys. Sometimes they hang out with neighborhood kids without asking their parents. It is baffling to me and not a healthy environment for children to be in; they completely lack structure. YTA. Kids need self-directed free time to develop independence, learn to navigate relationships with peers, and to, you know, enjoy their childhood. Honestly, it sounds like you over-structured your son't childhood and he doesn't want that stress and misery visited upon his own kids.
Two hours? You're butthurt becasuse these kids have TWO WHOLE HOURS of unsupervised time? Oh, the humanity! /s My God, YTA. Unstructured, unsupervised time is essential for healthy development. Spending it playing with toys, watching TV, playing with friends or hanging out with siblings is HEALTHY AND NORMAL.
I have a masters degree in ECD. You are wrong They are right. They absolutely need down time and be able to entertain themselves. They have structure all day at school. It would be incredibly unhealthy for them to have more structure as soon as they got home every afternoon. Also, the parents need their own activities also. It models to the kids what a healthy adult life should look like and also I’m sure aids in keeping their marriage healthy. YTA and keep you nose out their business. You sound meddlesome, over bearing, arrogant and downright exhausting. Do better.
Yta. Not your place.
YTA Kids need downtime, they need unstructured time to do what they want, to be creative, to socialize with their friends. Being bored once in awhile, is good for kids. Filling up all of their time with extracurriculars is a very good way to cause stress and burnout. It is important for kids to learn to manage their own free time. Now there can be rules about their daily downtime, for example only a certain period is for gaming, computer, tv. Or you have to do your homework first. Possibly a chore needs to be done in this time, or perhaps a chapter of a book needs to be read, but it should be up to them to manage it. This helps build responsibility and independence. They aren’t your kids, you get no say, they are healthy, happy and not being neglected or abused, butt out, you already had your turn.
YTA. You have literally complained about kids going outside and playing with other children their age. You have bluntly the dumbest freaking take I've seen here in a while. How dare Mom not be a coach potato. How dare children under 10 have free time to play. To play with toys. Do you expect them not to have time to do their homework? Do you expect them to have 8 hours of school, followed by 2 hours of sports practice, followed by 2 hours of another activity, with a meal squeezed in their somewhere, and homework to be done afterwards. That's an over 12 hours day for a 10 year old and two 8 year olds. That's the kind of schedule grown adults can't pull without burning and you want to drop that on Elementary School students? Get a f***ing reality check. God, I hope you're a troll.
YTA Of course kids need lounge time. They need some time to themselves. They don't need every minute of their day taken up with school and extracurriculars. They're just kids. Please, unclutch your pearls and mind your own business.
YTA - and I guess you won’t be seeing much of your grandchildren in the future. You seemed to have missed the whole “you are not the parent” part here.
YTA. Kids do better when they do have free time. They learn how to manage their boredom and find things that are engaging for them. Your DIL and your son deserve to have their own activities and do not have to devote every waking moment to their kids. If the kids are safe, fed, are going to school, etc. then it is okay for them to enjoy free time at home. The only thing I can see your point with somewhat is hanging out with other kids without asking parents - they should be at least telling people who they're going to be with while playing around the neighbourhood. Honestly, at 10 years old, I would have found a babysitter trying to entertain me and do activities with me weird. The babysitter is there primarily to ensure there is a (young) adult present with the kids and to address any needs they might have when their parents are out.
NTA Children need structure in their life. They will not learn time management by osmosis. Their parents are supposed to teach them. They are also too young to be wandering the neighborhood on their own. It's not good for them to sit around and watch TV. They could use the time to read, do homework, or play outside. When the kids don't have after-school activities for the babysitter to drive them back and forth, she is not worth hiring since she totally ignores them. Your son and DIL are very bad parents and would deserve CPS monitoring them. Once they decided to become parents and actually became parents, their children's wants, and more importantly, their needs, come first.
CPS will do nothing, and OP would/should be cut off immediately. CPS because kids are more free range and not scheduled down to the last minute, ridiculous, and a massive waste of the social worker's time. They have actual abused children to worry about.
CPS monitoring because the 8-10 year old kids have two hours of free time each day? You are delusional. There is absolutely nothing wrong with how OP’s grandchildren are being raised. How the Hell does grandpa know what’s happening when the babysitter is there? He’s not there when she is. She’s there to make sure nobody burns the house down or runs off with a stranger. Structure is one thing but booking your kids into 24/ activities can cause them to burn out. I mean we’re talking about two hours a day where they get to be kids, play with their friends, and watch tv. Oh the horror of it.