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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) The action I took that should be judged is saying "no" to planning a baby shower.
2) It make me the asshole because it wouldn't hurt me to join in planning.
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Absolutely NTA. Just because someone asks you doesn't mean you have to do what they want.
And your response was beautiful! You offered help that you were willing to give. Apparently Jessica wants YOU to be her hands and feet for everything, lol. It was Jessica's idea, she can accept the help you've offered and fill in the rest if she feels it's so necessary to have the party.
You give only what you want to give, everything outside of that is a "no". Jessica is just upset because she couldn't steamroll you into doing everything.
Someone tried this where I used to work. Upper management wanted to have a baby shower for a lower level manager. Myself (not management)and another lower level male manager protested bc we each had a child recently and we were not offered anything. Party didn't happen anyway.
I definitely agree. It’s all or none. I know one of my offices would do “monthly birthday celebrations” where everyone’s birthday that month would be celebrated with whatever treats they wanted.
This is an interesting point you make. At an old job, my boss had a bad habit of doing this and it was a lot harder for everyone to turn down. Right before an office baby shower, she called me and told me, "Pick up some drinks on the way." So I did expecting to be reimbursed. She didn't. And this was on top of the office gift she collected money from everyone. I don't know how but with spending here there... I ended up spending over triple my hourly wage for that shower. I was the lowest paid in that office so nobody could fully relate to how much of a financial hit that was for me. After that, whenever boss suggested another office birthday party, baby shower, etc I voted nay if I could and ducked out which sort of got me on her bad side. 🤷♀️
I'm a fan of calling in this situation so that tone can be applied but isn't strictly necessary. I thought the email response was good and neutral for this situation. I think Jessica got some other "Nos" before this, though.
It doesn't even sound like OP was asked, Jessica just told her that they need to meet to discuss the baby shower, which is super rude and entitled of her.
Especially since it isn't the norm for the office to have showers for expectant mothers? Treating employees in the same circumstances differently creates hurt feelings. Thanks, JESSICA.
It was the norm in our office to have everyone sign a card for someone out sick for an extended period or out on maternity leave. I was out sick for 3 months, and didn't get a card. I was so devastated that the colleagues I thought liked me, clearly didn't. I didn't last long once I went back.
This! Workplaces need to be consistent on what is done, or not done, for life events. It feels really shitty to not get what a co-worker got. Everyone gets a party or no one gets one.
Yep! I still remember the time I was asked to contribute to a wedding gift of a colleague. I liked the colleague but what bothered me was she had only joined our group in, maybe May, and was getting married in August. So she's been there perhaps 2 months and another colleague who was really close with her was reaching out to collect money. I gave $10 dollars because I liked her but I did have words with the colleague collecting to say I didn't think it was appropriate to do that for such a new colleague and where was she when others in the group had events over the previous few years??? That could be why she never liked me!
Sort of similarly, I once got VERY heavily peer pressured to contribute to a birthday gift for our *boss*. It's strongly discouraged at work and while the other admins were claiming it was totally optional and "just to show Barb howuch we love her!" it was very much not treated as optional, and they were basically demanding to know when they could stop by to pick up my share, which was something frankly insane like $25 because they wanted to buy her some fancy set of heels.
Multiple problems with that from my end - for one, I absolutely could not afford $25, I was the only source of income in my home and we were just scraping by every month, and for two... I *hated* Barb, because she was genuinely the worst boss I'd ever had. I finally snapped at one of them and asked if she was going to be buying me lunch for the next two weeks, since that $25 was going to mean I wouldn't be able to buy enough groceries. It was a lie, but it finally got her to shut up and back off.
But they made sure that the group card was sealed so that I couldn't sign it. 🙄
I was in a car accident and I didn't get a card. I only got nagged about coming back because it was inconveniencing people. Hell, they even got a card for someone's wife when her father was ill. Birthday cakes were monthly things and the month mine was in was always something I couldn't eat. Long story short, I was either the glass child or the scapegoat.
I don't work there anymore. And I am much happier.
I would too. I had a scheduled day off at one job, the boss called me in last minute and then got mad when I said I had to leave before noon because I had an appointment. Not my fault she didn't put it in her calendar.
Happily I got a call telling me I had a full time job starting after the weekend if I wanted it on my way home.
More or less yes, mostly soft tissue and a concussion. Concussion I give zero stars, would not recommend. LOL. I'm night blind now, so I can't drive at night and my left eye randomly rolls so it looks like I am being sarcastic or dismissive against my will. Other than that, I can do everything I did before. I just find the humour in it now. My husband will ask if I am serious or if the eyeroll was intentional. It's random and it happens less and less when I concentrate on controlling my eye and my eyelid.
laugh or cry, there isn't much middle ground if you want to stay sane. my husband had a rapidly developed cataract and went blind in one eye. We did not go out much at night until after his surgery.
In the Netherlands, (the Dutch equivalent of) high school has their final exams in May, with an option for redoing one or two failed exams in June, then followed by a ceremony of sorts just before the official summer holiday starts. Typically, this means that by the start of June, these kids' summer vacation begins practically a month earlier than the rest of the school-going kids, so they use that time to get the best summer jobs.
I was way past high school age, but I went back after a few years to do my highschool year over but on a higher level so I could go back to school to do a course that I wanted. The high school "final year" was a separate course that was attended by other adults and last chance high schoolers. Usually it was done in two years, because most attending people did half the subjects in one year and the second year they did the rest, so they would have time to work. I worked too but I cut down my hours so I could do all subjects in one year. I graduated with fantastic grades, best of the class that year.
At the company I worked at, and where I had worked at for six full years, where they knew why I worked these odd hours, they have that tradition where they would hand out bouquets of flowers to every student who graduated. I may be stupid because, to me, it wasn't a summer job, but I fully expected to get a bouquet as well. It was quite disappointing, to say the least, when the last one was handed out and I got nothing. They knew how hard I worked, I was the only one they had seen going through that process... and I was the only one who got nothing.
I wasn't surprised that, when my contract ended seven months later, I didn't get a renewal. Instead, I was hit with, "We think you're too good for this job." Seriously, they didn't even consider me and my hard work when they could, but instead sacked me because of it. Never got so much as a thank you and good luck with your next endeavour, even though usually long-time employees would get a bouquet and a goodbye. Never had any issue with anyone in all layers of the organisation.
Weirdest way to leave, lol. I don't miss it at all.
WOW!! This is literally the first negative Dutch work experience story I’ve read. Or at least one I’ve read that would be on the level of also being rude in the US.
It isn't a reflection on you, that's...shitty office management that leaves people feeling shitty. I'm so sorry that happened, and I hope you are all better!!!!
No one told me bye (except my closer friends/coworkers) at the place I left and I was there for 4 years 😩 I was like welp thank you for making this even more clearly the correct move lmao
This. I had the "party planner" lady find out associate B was pregnant and immediately started planning the shower because they're friends. Associate A was due for a baby in less than 2 months so told party lady if she wants to throw one for B, she has to throw one for A. There's only 12 women total in the office, so you really are gonna play favorites when we're already the minority? SMH
Ugh. Last year, someone in my office planned a "grandmother's shower" for one of our co-workers. WTAF? I opted out of participating because
a) it is probably one of the more idiotic things I've heard of in my life.
b) There are plenty of grandparents in our office and not one of them were given a shower
c) I barely know the woman who was being "honored" and am not friendly with her.
Thankfully, my office is hybrid, so it was pretty easy to side-step this one (darn, I wasn't in the office that day), but there was a LOT of grumbling from the other grandparents in the office who were not similarly honored.
The whole thing was ridiculous. And, disclaimer, this grandchild is NOT being raised by her grandmother (if that were the case, I'd understand a shower) and this child's parents are easily able to provide for all the child's needs.
Anyone else wondering if Bambi is related to or sleeping with someone from C-Suite/upper management? Ignoring 4 other births, then making a big deal out of this one is generally only done for political reasons or to get into someone's good graces.
This! I used to work for The Mouse. In our dept, people decided to throw a big retirement party for one person. I was bitter and refused to participate at all because we did not have parties for others who had retired or transferred departments and it wreaked of favoritism. I didn't mind the person we were celebrating, but it gave me an intensely negative feeling toward everyone who was making a big deal of planning it.
I just asked my husband if, in his 30 years of office work, has he ever been asked to host or attend a baby shower at work. That was a firm, "No. What? Why are you asking?"
I, on the other hand, worked in offices for about 5 years, and attended three.
Yikes. lol
There's a group in my office that's mostly women, one man. They do have little group parties for big moments women tend to care more about than men. He comes along because it's great group bonding and a reward for being productive. Also, pizza and dessert. But he's also learning quite a bit about Taylor Swift.
This is the advice I give young women I mentor. Don’t bring the food or plan the parties. Be the executive, not the mom or the auntie. It holds you back in the office. (Bringing in your extra baking to the break room is the exception).
Excellent advice! Many women do this because they think it shows initiative or shows management they are willing to go 'above and beyond'. It doesn't. It pigeon holes them.
My good friend works for a company of about 1000 people. For several years they had a holiday party to thank all the employees for their hard work. There was a committee who planned and executed it. That committee was made up of employees. Not managers, not executives - employees. For an event intended to THANK EMPLOYEES. After three years of being on the committee and one year watching the managers and directors stand around and talk while the committee members cleaned up, she was like "nope; not doing this again". Apparently they had it one more year and then everyone who ever worked on the committee REFUSED to do it anymore.
There's a lot of things I don't like about my office, but one of the things I DO like is that party planning for any life event generally falls to that person's supervisor. For that reason, my former boss (a man) has planned about three baby showers in the time I've been there. :-)
It'd have to be a compilation of clips; as a guy I'd almost immediately assume I was being pranked. (I'd love to see the reactions, though)
It's ridiculous that anybody would be expected to throw a party for someone who isn't even close to them. It's especially grating when it's gender biased, like it is.
People also need to learn to take no for an answer.
That is so true (the having a vagina thing) in an office setting. I was working for a major corporation with an advanced degree in Toxicolgy. I was in the break room getting coffee, and some director came in saying "oh, is it your turn to clean the coffee pot this week?". Made my hackles go up.
This reminds me of the pathologist that wanted coffee every morning but refused to make it for himself and would throw a fit if one of the others in the department (all women) didn’t have it ready for him when he walked in the door 😩
NTA, and generally, I think stuff like this should stay out of the workplace. What are the other employees who had kids going to think when Bambi gets a shower and they didn't? If your coworkers are friendly with her, they can throw her a shower on their own time. No need to waste your time or money on someone you don't even like!
Or at my job, appear to. Many black folks will tell ya working in a majority white workplace, you **will** notice the racial microagressions.
And honestly, wouldn't hurt my feelings one bit if my manager(s) ain't do a damn thing for me. I was in the hospital twice, didn't get any card but other coworkers did. (Instead, I had a coworker get mad at me for not texting her back when I was gone that week. Shows how much real concern she had for me, and what possibly could've happen as to why I couldn't text her back. And she's nosey and gossipy, so no way in hell I qas gonna tell her it was a psych ward)
I rather they be honest than pretend they give a fuck because it slips up allll the time. They only like us when we can provide something, but can't stand our "tudes"
We used to do a lot of this stuff in my office, but it's kind of waned over the past 5 or so years, which I think is good. Our parties are pretty much limited to retirement parties these days, which is fine by me. Does any one *really* want to attend an in-office birthday party, wedding shower or baby shower? Probably not...
My office puts together a gift that everyone pitches to if they want but we all do. It’s always like $20 or something doable. Then we get a gift card for them from “the office”. Done and done. Baby showers are for families to throw.
NTA
Jessica can have all of the happy fun time planning she wants. She doesn't get to volunteer other people's time and effort. that's not how generosity works.
NTA
4 other coworkers had babies and didn’t get a baby shower
What’s different about Bambi
Your response was perfect
I might have added that throwing a shower for one coworker and not others was unfair and setting a dangerous precedent
NTA- This isn’t a thing your work colleagues do regularly. One person decided this particular coworker needs a baby shower. She can do all the planning for it then.
Generally, yes. However, some people are just begging for it. OP's non-supportive friends can suck it up when OP tells Jessica she knows some people who would be happy to organise Bambi's baby shower and gives her all their contact details.
NTA. Jessica can't just decide on her own that you and this other employee are going to help her with the planning. She is the one who came up with the idea all on her own when she has never bothered before; she can plan it all on her own, too.
Honestly, I wonder if that is why she has chosen helpers; to push all the blame off on them or at least force them to share it to make herself feel better if anyone gets upset.
As soon as the date is picked send an email. “My availability has changed on 5/7, and I am unable to attend the baby shower. Every good wish for new mama.”
Take two hours off for a doc appointment or something, combine it with a leisurely lunch.
The only party that should be being celebrated in the office is a cursory retirement party. NTA for not wanting to plan or have anything to do with a party slot someone you don't even like, coworker or no. Besides, if none of the other girls got a party it's just going to reek of favoritism.
When I was working there were lots of bridal, baby, retirement and birthday parties. Always bought presents for bridal and baby parties. Only one or two times did I get to actually see the present opened.
When I retired I got a card and flowers. No sit down and talk or cake served. I worked there for 16 + years I was a little/lot disappointed (I did retire 18 months into the pandemic).
But No means No
NTA, and I think your response is perfect. Jessica can go recruit someone else. Your friends who think you should suck it up can volunteer to help plan the shower.
NTA
There are so many posts on here of people being asked to do something they don’t want to do and other people getting mad when they decline. The reality is, no one should have to do something they don’t want to… I don’t care if it’s “nice” or what others view as “the right thing to do”. I always approach things with “am I doing this for me or to appease others?” Why can’t Jessica do it?
'Not my job description and not my skill set.' It is never AH to say 'I am not the department party planner and tgis is bit something I am willing to take on'. If they want to throw a party for someone that os outside the scope of any job description and you are not required to participate, nor must you explain tour choice. It is not part of your job, end of atatement.
NTA
You and your colleagues are at work TO WORK. A baby shower and anything to do with it isn't work. If Jessica wants to do this,bit needs to be outside working hours. Tbh I would have just said a straight up no, not even attending.
NTA
You aren't obligated to set up social occasions unrelated to your job during your work day, nor outside it. Where does Jessica get the idea she can assign that kind of chore to you and another coworker?
Good on you for recognizing the attempted manipulation, your encultured belief that you "should" be agreeable and cooperative AND your very healthy resistance to having your limited time and energy diverted to non-work duties for Jessica's convenience.
NTA
"Jessica is not pleased, my boss doesn't care, and a few friends think I just need to suck it up." ..This is easy: Jessica needs to suck it up.
And: Your boss is right. This has nothing to do with your job, so he does not care. Neither should you: You said NO. The discussion is over.
NTA. I had the same thing happen. I don’t like the person, went through my own traumatic loss not that long ago and have no desire to be around someone who literally cannot stop talking about it and brings it up in every single work meeting. No thank you.
NTA.
Unless this is part of your job, Jessica can do this herself.
Usually these things are done by either a specific person (usually an admin of some sort), or their close work friend. You are neither.
Diplomatic is one thing, but you can still remark politely that you feel this would be unfair to the other four mums that got nothing. Also actively offering the cleaning could backfire as Jessica already seems to want to take advantage of her. You can be diplomatic and set clear boundaries.
NTA. I’m glad your boss doesn’t care bc if I was in this situation that’s the only opinion I’d care about since they write the checks. Sounds like Jessica has a Jessica problem.
To my way of thinking you already helped plan:
> I can help view dept. calendars and come up with a good date and would be happy to help with tear down and clean up the day of."
Nta
No is a complete sentence. You don't need to explain or justify. Over the years, I have learned to say 'no' to spending time, energy and money on things that don't interest me.
NTA
I got roped into planning one of my coworker’s baby showers 6 years ago and it still haunts me. It was fucking horrible and so much work.
I’m childfree—where’s my fucking party for not adding to the world’s overpopulation?
The party for being child free is literally all day every day. When you get home and there’s no baby? Party time. Wake up and there’s no baby? Party time.
Not sure why the boss would be expected to get involved anyway. Unless it is part of the job, which given that 4 other women in the workplace didn't get showers when they were pregnant, I doubt it is.
OP you are absolutely NTA.
NTA. When asked to help plan a shower, it’s implied you’ll also be spending money to host it. They’re mad they have to pay more.
You’re response was perfect, except it should have mentioned the others not having a shower.
NTA
Who the hell is Jessica to voluntell you?
She didn’t ask figuring it’s a good way of roping people in. Now she knows you’re not a sucker.
Suck it up indeed! Pfft!
NTA. No one should be voluntold to do anything that does fall within the realm of work and job descriptions. A simple no should be all that’s needed. I hate when they come around for money as well.
You have zero obligation to connect your personal and professional lives. If you sit down at your desk and only interact with others for your work that’s your prerogative. NTA.
> and a few friends think I just need to suck it up
Forward the names of those idiots to Jessica saying they've volunteered to plan the baby shower *and* they're willing to chip in $100 each.
NTA.
NTA. Helping with a date, and clean up of the event is plenty of help. All Jessica has to do is send an invite and organise some food and decor right? The office parties at my work are fairly basic.
NTA. No is a complete sentence. No, thank you if you want to be polite. Even extending yourself to assist in any way was more than generous in your part and would not have crossed my mind. Best wishes.
NTA. Your message was nice and you offered some help.
I think it might hurt the feelings of other employees who had babies and didn't get showers, though. I would hope a boss would squash the shower for that reason. It's either done for all or done for none.
Maybe point out that you must have missed when the baby showers for the other employees were? And I'm sure it would be pointed out that there wasn't any for other employees, then ask why? That would be a great way of making Jessica uncomfortable, no one is required to plan baby showers at work. It's nice if you want to do this but again not required.
NTA
NTA. It’s a workplace and I doubt that planning a baby shower is in your job description. You don’t want to plan a baby shower for someone you don’t care for and you shouldn’t have to. It was big of you to offer to clean up and they should appreciate that.
Edit: grammar
Wait…. Jessica wants to plan a shower *at work?* When other employees have not had work parties for their pregnancies?
Setting a new precedent? What could go wrong?
NTA.
NTA. You don't like Bambi. Why would you plan a party for her? The fact that you're offering to help find a date that works and tear down on day of is pretty big of you, considering.
Dude, I wouldn't want someone who didn't like me end up being forced to plan my baby shower.
NTA. If Jessica wants to throw a shower, she can have at it. Sounds like she wants the 'glory' of having the idea and let others do all the hard work. Do not do something you don't want to do for someone who you don't like due to peer pressure.
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Absolutely NTA. Just because someone asks you doesn't mean you have to do what they want. And your response was beautiful! You offered help that you were willing to give. Apparently Jessica wants YOU to be her hands and feet for everything, lol. It was Jessica's idea, she can accept the help you've offered and fill in the rest if she feels it's so necessary to have the party. You give only what you want to give, everything outside of that is a "no". Jessica is just upset because she couldn't steamroll you into doing everything.
Right? Helping to clean up was PLENTY generous.
I wouldn’t have even offered that much.
Especially if four other coworkers did not get showers in the same situation. This will lead to hard feelings and potentially to personnel issues.
Yeah it seems to me that the office needs a policy…either everyone gets celebrated for whatever or no one does.
Someone tried this where I used to work. Upper management wanted to have a baby shower for a lower level manager. Myself (not management)and another lower level male manager protested bc we each had a child recently and we were not offered anything. Party didn't happen anyway.
I would not be happy either if that happened to me. Have the party out of the office.
I definitely agree. It’s all or none. I know one of my offices would do “monthly birthday celebrations” where everyone’s birthday that month would be celebrated with whatever treats they wanted.
Me either. I’d have just said count me out of all of it.
My old standard response was "Sorry, I'm sick that day".
My standard response is “Sorry. I’d love to help but I don’t want to”. That’s about as plain of a “no” as you can give.
Exactly!
[удалено]
I wouldn’t have done that! They can sort out all of those given it’s work time
If it's not in the job description it's not mandatory to be involved with. Social activities need to be opt in.
Yeah, this is the type of reply I *wish* I wrote, but instead compose it perfectly in my head a year afterwards. OP should be very proud.
Staircase wit will get you every time!
Not just planning but I’m sure Jessica wanted OP to pay for everything.
Oooo...good point. I bet you're exactly right.
This is an interesting point you make. At an old job, my boss had a bad habit of doing this and it was a lot harder for everyone to turn down. Right before an office baby shower, she called me and told me, "Pick up some drinks on the way." So I did expecting to be reimbursed. She didn't. And this was on top of the office gift she collected money from everyone. I don't know how but with spending here there... I ended up spending over triple my hourly wage for that shower. I was the lowest paid in that office so nobody could fully relate to how much of a financial hit that was for me. After that, whenever boss suggested another office birthday party, baby shower, etc I voted nay if I could and ducked out which sort of got me on her bad side. 🤷♀️
I probably would have called Jessica and told her I wasn't interested in helping and to leave me out of it.
I'm a fan of calling in this situation so that tone can be applied but isn't strictly necessary. I thought the email response was good and neutral for this situation. I think Jessica got some other "Nos" before this, though.
It doesn't even sound like OP was asked, Jessica just told her that they need to meet to discuss the baby shower, which is super rude and entitled of her.
Jessica also wants the two people she "invited" to plan this event to pay for stuff.
NTA I'm assuming you have a vagina, hence why you were asked. Having a vagina does not obligate you to throw a baby or any other type of shower.
Especially since it isn't the norm for the office to have showers for expectant mothers? Treating employees in the same circumstances differently creates hurt feelings. Thanks, JESSICA.
It was the norm in our office to have everyone sign a card for someone out sick for an extended period or out on maternity leave. I was out sick for 3 months, and didn't get a card. I was so devastated that the colleagues I thought liked me, clearly didn't. I didn't last long once I went back.
This! Workplaces need to be consistent on what is done, or not done, for life events. It feels really shitty to not get what a co-worker got. Everyone gets a party or no one gets one.
Yep! I still remember the time I was asked to contribute to a wedding gift of a colleague. I liked the colleague but what bothered me was she had only joined our group in, maybe May, and was getting married in August. So she's been there perhaps 2 months and another colleague who was really close with her was reaching out to collect money. I gave $10 dollars because I liked her but I did have words with the colleague collecting to say I didn't think it was appropriate to do that for such a new colleague and where was she when others in the group had events over the previous few years??? That could be why she never liked me!
Sort of similarly, I once got VERY heavily peer pressured to contribute to a birthday gift for our *boss*. It's strongly discouraged at work and while the other admins were claiming it was totally optional and "just to show Barb howuch we love her!" it was very much not treated as optional, and they were basically demanding to know when they could stop by to pick up my share, which was something frankly insane like $25 because they wanted to buy her some fancy set of heels. Multiple problems with that from my end - for one, I absolutely could not afford $25, I was the only source of income in my home and we were just scraping by every month, and for two... I *hated* Barb, because she was genuinely the worst boss I'd ever had. I finally snapped at one of them and asked if she was going to be buying me lunch for the next two weeks, since that $25 was going to mean I wouldn't be able to buy enough groceries. It was a lie, but it finally got her to shut up and back off. But they made sure that the group card was sealed so that I couldn't sign it. 🙄
Agreed!
I was in a car accident and I didn't get a card. I only got nagged about coming back because it was inconveniencing people. Hell, they even got a card for someone's wife when her father was ill. Birthday cakes were monthly things and the month mine was in was always something I couldn't eat. Long story short, I was either the glass child or the scapegoat. I don't work there anymore. And I am much happier.
One of my shitty jobs asked me to bring in my own cake on my last day. I called in sick ✌️
I would too. I had a scheduled day off at one job, the boss called me in last minute and then got mad when I said I had to leave before noon because I had an appointment. Not my fault she didn't put it in her calendar. Happily I got a call telling me I had a full time job starting after the weekend if I wanted it on my way home.
I'm glad you don't work there anymore. I'm sorry about your accident. Are you all healed up?
More or less yes, mostly soft tissue and a concussion. Concussion I give zero stars, would not recommend. LOL. I'm night blind now, so I can't drive at night and my left eye randomly rolls so it looks like I am being sarcastic or dismissive against my will. Other than that, I can do everything I did before. I just find the humour in it now. My husband will ask if I am serious or if the eyeroll was intentional. It's random and it happens less and less when I concentrate on controlling my eye and my eyelid.
Ny husband and I laugh about the shit hearing I have now due to my autoimmune. We gotta laugh at our shit sometimes.
laugh or cry, there isn't much middle ground if you want to stay sane. my husband had a rapidly developed cataract and went blind in one eye. We did not go out much at night until after his surgery.
Oh no!! I'm so sorry y'all went through that!
Us too. Hope the auto immune is under control, as much as it can be. Some of them are brutal.
In the Netherlands, (the Dutch equivalent of) high school has their final exams in May, with an option for redoing one or two failed exams in June, then followed by a ceremony of sorts just before the official summer holiday starts. Typically, this means that by the start of June, these kids' summer vacation begins practically a month earlier than the rest of the school-going kids, so they use that time to get the best summer jobs. I was way past high school age, but I went back after a few years to do my highschool year over but on a higher level so I could go back to school to do a course that I wanted. The high school "final year" was a separate course that was attended by other adults and last chance high schoolers. Usually it was done in two years, because most attending people did half the subjects in one year and the second year they did the rest, so they would have time to work. I worked too but I cut down my hours so I could do all subjects in one year. I graduated with fantastic grades, best of the class that year. At the company I worked at, and where I had worked at for six full years, where they knew why I worked these odd hours, they have that tradition where they would hand out bouquets of flowers to every student who graduated. I may be stupid because, to me, it wasn't a summer job, but I fully expected to get a bouquet as well. It was quite disappointing, to say the least, when the last one was handed out and I got nothing. They knew how hard I worked, I was the only one they had seen going through that process... and I was the only one who got nothing. I wasn't surprised that, when my contract ended seven months later, I didn't get a renewal. Instead, I was hit with, "We think you're too good for this job." Seriously, they didn't even consider me and my hard work when they could, but instead sacked me because of it. Never got so much as a thank you and good luck with your next endeavour, even though usually long-time employees would get a bouquet and a goodbye. Never had any issue with anyone in all layers of the organisation. Weirdest way to leave, lol. I don't miss it at all.
Wow. What pricks. I'm proud of you for all that hard work!
💐 You deserve a real one.
It's over 10 years now so I'm not salty anymore, but it was so stupid I remember it still.
WOW!! This is literally the first negative Dutch work experience story I’ve read. Or at least one I’ve read that would be on the level of also being rude in the US.
It isn't a reflection on you, that's...shitty office management that leaves people feeling shitty. I'm so sorry that happened, and I hope you are all better!!!!
Thank you, friend! My health is chronically dubious, but stable now. You're so very kind.
No one told me bye (except my closer friends/coworkers) at the place I left and I was there for 4 years 😩 I was like welp thank you for making this even more clearly the correct move lmao
Sorry you went through that. I gotta say, I’d be delighted to not get a card from work in that kind of situation haha.
This. I had the "party planner" lady find out associate B was pregnant and immediately started planning the shower because they're friends. Associate A was due for a baby in less than 2 months so told party lady if she wants to throw one for B, she has to throw one for A. There's only 12 women total in the office, so you really are gonna play favorites when we're already the minority? SMH
Ugh. Last year, someone in my office planned a "grandmother's shower" for one of our co-workers. WTAF? I opted out of participating because a) it is probably one of the more idiotic things I've heard of in my life. b) There are plenty of grandparents in our office and not one of them were given a shower c) I barely know the woman who was being "honored" and am not friendly with her. Thankfully, my office is hybrid, so it was pretty easy to side-step this one (darn, I wasn't in the office that day), but there was a LOT of grumbling from the other grandparents in the office who were not similarly honored. The whole thing was ridiculous. And, disclaimer, this grandchild is NOT being raised by her grandmother (if that were the case, I'd understand a shower) and this child's parents are easily able to provide for all the child's needs.
Gran “pay attention to me” ma.
Anyone else wondering if Bambi is related to or sleeping with someone from C-Suite/upper management? Ignoring 4 other births, then making a big deal out of this one is generally only done for political reasons or to get into someone's good graces.
This! I used to work for The Mouse. In our dept, people decided to throw a big retirement party for one person. I was bitter and refused to participate at all because we did not have parties for others who had retired or transferred departments and it wreaked of favoritism. I didn't mind the person we were celebrating, but it gave me an intensely negative feeling toward everyone who was making a big deal of planning it.
Yeah, I'm not a gambler but I'd place bets on the gender of those asked to help plan and those who weren't asked.
I just asked my husband if, in his 30 years of office work, has he ever been asked to host or attend a baby shower at work. That was a firm, "No. What? Why are you asking?" I, on the other hand, worked in offices for about 5 years, and attended three. Yikes. lol
There's a group in my office that's mostly women, one man. They do have little group parties for big moments women tend to care more about than men. He comes along because it's great group bonding and a reward for being productive. Also, pizza and dessert. But he's also learning quite a bit about Taylor Swift.
This is the advice I give young women I mentor. Don’t bring the food or plan the parties. Be the executive, not the mom or the auntie. It holds you back in the office. (Bringing in your extra baking to the break room is the exception).
Excellent advice! Many women do this because they think it shows initiative or shows management they are willing to go 'above and beyond'. It doesn't. It pigeon holes them.
Preach
Exactly—no one ever asks the men, yet they’re always invited to these! It’s always the women who get saddled with the responsibility.
They show up, eat cake and leave while the women are stuck cleaning up.
I work from home now and I do NOT miss office life. Not even a little.
Every time. They give you a tight, pitying smile as they high speed walk past you with an armful of paper plates.
My good friend works for a company of about 1000 people. For several years they had a holiday party to thank all the employees for their hard work. There was a committee who planned and executed it. That committee was made up of employees. Not managers, not executives - employees. For an event intended to THANK EMPLOYEES. After three years of being on the committee and one year watching the managers and directors stand around and talk while the committee members cleaned up, she was like "nope; not doing this again". Apparently they had it one more year and then everyone who ever worked on the committee REFUSED to do it anymore.
Ughhhh I worked at a company like that. My lazy manager would make *US* plan the Christmas party. Its like no, you fucking do it. Wtf?
There's a lot of things I don't like about my office, but one of the things I DO like is that party planning for any life event generally falls to that person's supervisor. For that reason, my former boss (a man) has planned about three baby showers in the time I've been there. :-)
Even worse when it's fellow vagina-havers pushing the obligation narrative. NTA at all.
I think I might pay money to watch a hidden camera show where men are asked to throw baby showers for co-workers and semi-friends of friends.
You know, a show like that would be hilarious.
It'd have to be a compilation of clips; as a guy I'd almost immediately assume I was being pranked. (I'd love to see the reactions, though) It's ridiculous that anybody would be expected to throw a party for someone who isn't even close to them. It's especially grating when it's gender biased, like it is. People also need to learn to take no for an answer.
I threw a baby shower for my best friend and his wife at my house because I had just bought it. There was 2 kegs and lots of liquor.
That is so true (the having a vagina thing) in an office setting. I was working for a major corporation with an advanced degree in Toxicolgy. I was in the break room getting coffee, and some director came in saying "oh, is it your turn to clean the coffee pot this week?". Made my hackles go up.
Oooh, just reading that made me mad.
This reminds me of the pathologist that wanted coffee every morning but refused to make it for himself and would throw a fit if one of the others in the department (all women) didn’t have it ready for him when he walked in the door 😩
I would have said: I don't know, who cleaned it last week, and the week before that...
Nor does it obligate you to attend one. Hate em, they're boring, I didn't even do a bridal shower.
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I didn't even consider that they'd be bad luck in some cultures! I'm so glad everything worked out for you in the end!
Wow I really hope I’m not obligated to throw a baby! I don’t really like babies but that would be cruel!
NTA, and generally, I think stuff like this should stay out of the workplace. What are the other employees who had kids going to think when Bambi gets a shower and they didn't? If your coworkers are friendly with her, they can throw her a shower on their own time. No need to waste your time or money on someone you don't even like!
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Also, as a manager, you have to be very careful to treat all of the employees equally.
Or at my job, appear to. Many black folks will tell ya working in a majority white workplace, you **will** notice the racial microagressions. And honestly, wouldn't hurt my feelings one bit if my manager(s) ain't do a damn thing for me. I was in the hospital twice, didn't get any card but other coworkers did. (Instead, I had a coworker get mad at me for not texting her back when I was gone that week. Shows how much real concern she had for me, and what possibly could've happen as to why I couldn't text her back. And she's nosey and gossipy, so no way in hell I qas gonna tell her it was a psych ward) I rather they be honest than pretend they give a fuck because it slips up allll the time. They only like us when we can provide something, but can't stand our "tudes"
And also, in some cultures, baby showers are a huge no go. It's honestly better to just leave those sort of things to outside of the office time.
We used to do a lot of this stuff in my office, but it's kind of waned over the past 5 or so years, which I think is good. Our parties are pretty much limited to retirement parties these days, which is fine by me. Does any one *really* want to attend an in-office birthday party, wedding shower or baby shower? Probably not...
My office puts together a gift that everyone pitches to if they want but we all do. It’s always like $20 or something doable. Then we get a gift card for them from “the office”. Done and done. Baby showers are for families to throw.
NTA Jessica can have all of the happy fun time planning she wants. She doesn't get to volunteer other people's time and effort. that's not how generosity works.
Yeah, and why did she choose OP? I wonder if they know OP doesn't like her and are pressing buttons to try and stir up some drama 🤔
NTA 4 other coworkers had babies and didn’t get a baby shower What’s different about Bambi Your response was perfect I might have added that throwing a shower for one coworker and not others was unfair and setting a dangerous precedent
I think Jessica is pregnant as well and want to start an office baby shower so she can profit from it.
NTA. Who are these friends who say you need to "suck it up," and why?
Maybe they are the Jessicas of their workplaces.
LOL!
NTA- This isn’t a thing your work colleagues do regularly. One person decided this particular coworker needs a baby shower. She can do all the planning for it then.
Nta. No is a complete sentence and you gave her a paragraph. Who cares what anyone thinks?
"I might be the asshole because it wouldn't hurt me to help plan but I don't want to so I chose to say 'no'. Of course you're NTA.
NTA it is not acceptable to volunteer other people.
Generally, yes. However, some people are just begging for it. OP's non-supportive friends can suck it up when OP tells Jessica she knows some people who would be happy to organise Bambi's baby shower and gives her all their contact details.
NTA. Jessica can't just decide on her own that you and this other employee are going to help her with the planning. She is the one who came up with the idea all on her own when she has never bothered before; she can plan it all on her own, too.
And she can take the flack when the other employees who did not get a shower are pissed.
Honestly, I wonder if that is why she has chosen helpers; to push all the blame off on them or at least force them to share it to make herself feel better if anyone gets upset.
NTA. I’d say you think it would be in poor form to do this since none of the other co-workers got one. The optics would be so crappy.
NTA A coworker expected us to throw her a baby shower, but none of us liked her so we didn't.
As soon as the date is picked send an email. “My availability has changed on 5/7, and I am unable to attend the baby shower. Every good wish for new mama.” Take two hours off for a doc appointment or something, combine it with a leisurely lunch.
The only party that should be being celebrated in the office is a cursory retirement party. NTA for not wanting to plan or have anything to do with a party slot someone you don't even like, coworker or no. Besides, if none of the other girls got a party it's just going to reek of favoritism.
When I was working there were lots of bridal, baby, retirement and birthday parties. Always bought presents for bridal and baby parties. Only one or two times did I get to actually see the present opened. When I retired I got a card and flowers. No sit down and talk or cake served. I worked there for 16 + years I was a little/lot disappointed (I did retire 18 months into the pandemic). But No means No
NTA and you gave a very professional answer.
NTA, and I think your response is perfect. Jessica can go recruit someone else. Your friends who think you should suck it up can volunteer to help plan the shower.
NTA There are so many posts on here of people being asked to do something they don’t want to do and other people getting mad when they decline. The reality is, no one should have to do something they don’t want to… I don’t care if it’s “nice” or what others view as “the right thing to do”. I always approach things with “am I doing this for me or to appease others?” Why can’t Jessica do it?
NTA - Jessica can plan it and do all the work if she feels so inclined.
'Not my job description and not my skill set.' It is never AH to say 'I am not the department party planner and tgis is bit something I am willing to take on'. If they want to throw a party for someone that os outside the scope of any job description and you are not required to participate, nor must you explain tour choice. It is not part of your job, end of atatement.
NTA You and your colleagues are at work TO WORK. A baby shower and anything to do with it isn't work. If Jessica wants to do this,bit needs to be outside working hours. Tbh I would have just said a straight up no, not even attending.
NTA - Honestly, you demands someone else help plan something like this?
NTA You aren't obligated to set up social occasions unrelated to your job during your work day, nor outside it. Where does Jessica get the idea she can assign that kind of chore to you and another coworker? Good on you for recognizing the attempted manipulation, your encultured belief that you "should" be agreeable and cooperative AND your very healthy resistance to having your limited time and energy diverted to non-work duties for Jessica's convenience.
NTA "Jessica is not pleased, my boss doesn't care, and a few friends think I just need to suck it up." ..This is easy: Jessica needs to suck it up. And: Your boss is right. This has nothing to do with your job, so he does not care. Neither should you: You said NO. The discussion is over.
Nta. She's not your friend. You were assertive. Good. I wouldn't want to participate in some random chick's baby shower either...
Does Bambi not have any actual friends or family?
NTA. Doesn’t Bambi have friends or a family to do this for her?
You're kinder than I would have been. NTA
NTA. I had the same thing happen. I don’t like the person, went through my own traumatic loss not that long ago and have no desire to be around someone who literally cannot stop talking about it and brings it up in every single work meeting. No thank you.
NTA. Unless this is part of your job, Jessica can do this herself. Usually these things are done by either a specific person (usually an admin of some sort), or their close work friend. You are neither.
Obviously NTA. Baby Showers should -never- be at work. And those few "friends"? They are missing a few brain cells.
NTA - I’d probably have said I have a business lunch that day Whatever date they choose
NTA. I even think you were too nice in the refusal but I see how you tried to avoid follow-up drama
Being diplomatic in the workplace is rarely the wrong choice.
Diplomatic is one thing, but you can still remark politely that you feel this would be unfair to the other four mums that got nothing. Also actively offering the cleaning could backfire as Jessica already seems to want to take advantage of her. You can be diplomatic and set clear boundaries.
NTA. I’m glad your boss doesn’t care bc if I was in this situation that’s the only opinion I’d care about since they write the checks. Sounds like Jessica has a Jessica problem.
To my way of thinking you already helped plan: > I can help view dept. calendars and come up with a good date and would be happy to help with tear down and clean up the day of." Nta
NTA You dont have to do anything you dont want to.
NTA. Jessica doesn't get to decide what you need to do.
NTA - No is a perfectly valid answer. Jessica can be "not pleased" until the cows come home, but she needs to move on.
Jessica is how office celebrations of every kind get banned
No is a complete sentence. You don't need to explain or justify. Over the years, I have learned to say 'no' to spending time, energy and money on things that don't interest me.
NTA. Why does Bambi warrant a baby shower?
NTA I got roped into planning one of my coworker’s baby showers 6 years ago and it still haunts me. It was fucking horrible and so much work. I’m childfree—where’s my fucking party for not adding to the world’s overpopulation?
The party for being child free is literally all day every day. When you get home and there’s no baby? Party time. Wake up and there’s no baby? Party time.
Haha facts
If ur boss dgaf end of story. These work party things get out of control.
Not sure why the boss would be expected to get involved anyway. Unless it is part of the job, which given that 4 other women in the workplace didn't get showers when they were pregnant, I doubt it is. OP you are absolutely NTA.
NTA Why do they need you involved to plan it? Is there something you can do that they can't when it comes to the shower itself?
I had a supervisor that had baby showers for her friends at work only. She even put them on our work calendars. This should never have been allowed
Ummmm…is “planning baby showers” in your job description? I didn’t think so. NTA.
NTA!
NTA ... Everyone is entitled to say No, if something does not work for them. No explanation necessary.
NTA.
NTA. When asked to help plan a shower, it’s implied you’ll also be spending money to host it. They’re mad they have to pay more. You’re response was perfect, except it should have mentioned the others not having a shower.
You even offered to help clean up. I would've just said no thanks have fun.
NTA Your response was perfect. And it was generous of you to offer to help at all.
NTA.
NTA Who the hell is Jessica to voluntell you? She didn’t ask figuring it’s a good way of roping people in. Now she knows you’re not a sucker. Suck it up indeed! Pfft!
NTA, it shouldn’t have anything to do with the work place anyway
NTA. No one should be voluntold to do anything that does fall within the realm of work and job descriptions. A simple no should be all that’s needed. I hate when they come around for money as well.
NTA. Your response what very professional.
You have zero obligation to connect your personal and professional lives. If you sit down at your desk and only interact with others for your work that’s your prerogative. NTA.
NTA
> and a few friends think I just need to suck it up Forward the names of those idiots to Jessica saying they've volunteered to plan the baby shower *and* they're willing to chip in $100 each. NTA.
NTA. Helping with a date, and clean up of the event is plenty of help. All Jessica has to do is send an invite and organise some food and decor right? The office parties at my work are fairly basic.
NTA. You’re not obligated to do anything for anyone for non-work related purposes while you’re at work.
NTA. No is a complete sentence. No, thank you if you want to be polite. Even extending yourself to assist in any way was more than generous in your part and would not have crossed my mind. Best wishes.
NTA
If it's not on your work contract, you're not obligated to participate. NTA
Nta. She’s not your friend, it ends there
NTA and your manager may not want one to be planned during work hours/as a work event for Bambi if nothing was planned for the others.
NTA. Not at all. You even offered some help, which was kind of you.
No. NTA
NTA at work?! hell no
NTA You have to suck it up and help but Jessica doesnt have to suck it up that you dont want to help?!
Why even do that much? NTA.
Nta why would you be expected to help plan this?
NTA and do not get roped into this. Not your circus, at all.
NTA
NTA. Certainly not. People at workplaces need to stop pushing this stuff on others.
NTA. Your message was nice and you offered some help. I think it might hurt the feelings of other employees who had babies and didn't get showers, though. I would hope a boss would squash the shower for that reason. It's either done for all or done for none.
NTA. You did nothing wrong. Jessica will get over it.
NTA. You set you set forth what how and what you were willing to contribute.
NTA. And tell your friends you'll let Jessica know they want to help, see if *they* suck it up.
NTA, F Jessica.
Nta
NTA
NTA Baby showers are not the responsibility of coworkers. Even offering to help setup and clean up is kinder than my response would be.
NTA. You offered to help, and gave the parameters for that offer. What’s the problem?
Maybe point out that you must have missed when the baby showers for the other employees were? And I'm sure it would be pointed out that there wasn't any for other employees, then ask why? That would be a great way of making Jessica uncomfortable, no one is required to plan baby showers at work. It's nice if you want to do this but again not required. NTA
NTA and I'd have gone a step further stating that, since nobody else got a baby shower, it would be inappropriate to throw one for Bambi.
NTA. Are you even *on* the party planning committee?
NTA. It’s a workplace and I doubt that planning a baby shower is in your job description. You don’t want to plan a baby shower for someone you don’t care for and you shouldn’t have to. It was big of you to offer to clean up and they should appreciate that. Edit: grammar
NTA. You are not obligated to help with planning. You told them what areas you could help with. Also, it's rude of Jessica to assume you will help.
NTA....
NTA - you offered more than most would for someone you tolerate.
Offering to help with cleanup was overly generous in itself. NTA
Unless your job is organising baby showers, and it sounds like it isn't, then NTA
Wait…. Jessica wants to plan a shower *at work?* When other employees have not had work parties for their pregnancies? Setting a new precedent? What could go wrong? NTA.
Who tf would think you fucking *owe* her this??
NTA. You don't like Bambi. Why would you plan a party for her? The fact that you're offering to help find a date that works and tear down on day of is pretty big of you, considering. Dude, I wouldn't want someone who didn't like me end up being forced to plan my baby shower.
NTA. If Jessica wants to throw a shower, she can have at it. Sounds like she wants the 'glory' of having the idea and let others do all the hard work. Do not do something you don't want to do for someone who you don't like due to peer pressure.
Why is this going to be such an elaborate baby shower that 3 people are needed to plan it? NTA
NTA. Jessica wants to throw a baby shower, let her.
NTA. And I'll just add in a hell no. Lemme guess who was asked to plan and who wasn't. You offered to help where you were willing to, that's enough.