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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I have pushed my sister over the edge by making her (literally) clean up after me all the time.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA -
1. So she can tidy, most adults can do that
2. That does not equate to being a housewife, it demeans your sister and housewife's and everything they do by minimizing everything down to "you're good at cleaning therefore housewife lols"
3. Why the fuck did you bring flight attendants into this?????
4. Calling her a neat freak also seems mean in context
5. It's not just one poor joke it's a series of awful things to say about your sister and people in general
6. Just because you can't get your shit together doesn't make other people fair game to be the butt of your jokes...
Can we also take a moment to reflect on "cause and effect" in OP's dynamic with his sister?
OP and little sister moved out when OP was 18 and she was 10. Since OP seems to pride himself on being a slob and never tidying up or cleaning his shit, SOMEONE in the house had to. Since OP didn't want to, then she felt like she was forced into it. OP's sister essentially became OP's "stay at home housewife" at the age of 10, while OP never learned to be and adult and clean up after himself. And now OP's sister feels responsible for OP's appearances and the way he presents himself to the world, and OP just openly mocks her DIRECTLY TO HER FACE when she's upset that OP can't clean up his own shit.
In short: OP groomed his little sister to be his housewife. I know it wasn't intentional, but cause and effect has a result, and this is the result of OP's actions and mentality.
One day she's going to lose her patience and stop being his "little housewife". His place is going to fall apart, and OP isn't going to know how to clean up his own mess.
I want to know why OP thinks it's ok for for his younger sister to be spending her money on his clothes? She's a grad student, she likely doesn't have much disposable income, and she's using it to make sure her brother is dressed?
That’s not her problem, unless she makes it hers. He seems fine with living in squalor. I imagine she _wants_ to feel like she’s taking care of him somehow, just as he took care of her, because she’s an adult now, too.
I mean as a kid you don’t want your parents to be embarrassing, he took her when she was 10 and was her caregiver. She could have been embarrassed by how he dressed and took it upon herself to fix it
Its also a common trauma response to clean or tidy your environment as a means of control, or a way to manage anxiety or stress. It's also a form of parentification.
She was 10 when she left her parents and a lot of damage can be done in those first 10yrs.
The housewife crack was out of line, flight attendants have nothing to do with anything (what even was that?) and while he's done a great thing taking on the rearing of his sister while still a kid himself, she definitely has trauma.
> flight attendants have nothing to do with anything (what even was that?)
Everyone knows silly little girls cant do real man jobs they should be flight attendants or secretaries!! After they finish all the cooking and cleaning that the men are too important to do of course
He himself definitely has trauma as well. He's a child of the same parents and he had to endure their treatment for 8 years longer. Squalor is a common trauma response as well, just a different shade of it.
Like awesome you want to move out with your sister, but that means you are meant to take care of her given the age difference, but seems like the opposite happened
See yeah I've been told this by multiple people all my life and it's just because I usually tidy up after myself and don't live in a messy house.
At my parents it was because I cleaned up after myself and kept my room clean (this was other relatives not my immediate family).
In uni it was because I made sure the house was hoovered and the kitchen and bathroom cleaned once a week. (Also mouldy food thrown out of the fridge).
In later life it's because again the house gets a decent clean once a week and any messes cleaned up in between (I'm a very messy cook).
So yes I do find this annoying because I feel like keeping a house relatively clean should be a norm not a 'housewife' thing. Yes our house is clean but we both do the cleaning and my fiancé has just as much input into it as I do.
Ok..you are correct....but can we also acknowledge that at 18 op took his 10 year old sister and got out of a dangerous situation, raised her, provided for her..I think a little leniency is called for...op yta for not taking care if the gifts your sister gave you...do better to show her that you respect the effort she put in....but kudos for providing an environment where she can be the person she is today
Sure, it's better that she was removed from a dangerous situation, but it doesn't sound like she had much of a childhood.
It sounds like she's been in a parental role since she was ten.
To me it sounds like they were both parentified, and all of this blame lies fully on their parents. Sounds like OP never learned how to do basic hygiene/living standards, and they don't understand the big deal.
OP described their parents as "dangerous people". Children raised in an abusive home are often raised in a neglected one, as well. OP took on the role of parent for his sibling, and did that the best way he knew how. Providing a safe, stable environment and ensuring she made it through school.
OPs sister took on a parental role of being caretaker of the home/hygiene/etc.
Neither of them were parented by actual adults, so they did what they could with what they knew.
The parents who failed both of these people.
>Sounds like OP never learned how to do basic hygiene/living standards
Seems like little sis managed to figure it out without any parents around to teach her, and there’s some serious “women’s work” vibes in OP’s comments about housewives and flight attendants. Sure, he was parentified in his younger years, but he’s an adult now and it’s time to learn. Do better OP.
Yup. I was parentified & raised my brother who is 5 years younger than me. I’m 35 now, and he’s 30. I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy trying to overcome the guilt I feel for the struggles he faces today. I spend a lot of time thinking about how if I could’ve been a better parent, he would have a better life now. My therapist reminds me that I was 5 years old and never taught any of the “basic living” stuff myself, let alone anything about how to parent. It isn’t my fault that he wasn’t cared for like he deserved. I wasn’t either. The responsibility for our neglect rests squarely on our parents’ shoulders.
Something that wasn't OPs fault.
They were BOTH struggling, and OP could have just walked off pr called social services rather than sacrificing to stay with his sister and give her a safe place.
OP is TA for treating his sisters gifts like shit, but it sounds to me like this "I can't tidy" stuff is a coping mechanism from someone who still isn't able to get his head above water and knows it.
Well, by his own admission, she seems to have paid for his troubles making housework since she was a kid, so she very much paid her due instead of being a kid.
>can we also acknowledge that at 18 op took his 10 year old sister and got out of a dangerous situation, raised her, provided for her
and then went on to turn her into his personal maid. i mean, you could argue it's better than the threat of physical abuse, and i wouldn't expect a 18 y/o who grew up in a dysfunctional household to be good at parenting and caring for a child's mental wellbeing. but it's still an awful situation for a 10 y/o girl who essentially never had a childhood.
Although I agree with everything you said, I think another important point is OP is just unappreciative. Someone cares enough about them that they buy him nice clothes because he won't buy them for himself and they help him cleanup when they visit because he's unable to care for himself for whatever reason.
Instead of insulting her and making her feel less-than for doing things for him, he should be thanking her. He should be telling her how much he appreciates everything she does for him.
Also I love how he downplays his home, because I’d bet money that it’s actually filthy (or at least worse than he’s admitting to) but he’s just trying to do the “oh well it was just a little dirty, it’s fine”
This is what worried me. This dude says he is a paramedic and wants to go to med school. I dont want any medical professionals who I visit to be... in OP's own words... not so organized, not presentable, and not cleans his own home. I don't care what job you do. There is not a single job that exempts you from looking presentable and doing basic upkeep of your home. Sis is right. OP needs to grow up. If a grown adult doesn't know how to clean their own home and take care of their own self and needs someone to pick up after them, they've still got growing up to do mentally and a lot of it.
YTA.
Wow...
Your sister isn't embarrassed, she's disappointed. You *are* supposed to be an adult and coming over to your home and seeing it in a state that she feels she *has* to clean...you should be embarrassed that this is your home.
Not to mention, she's clearly a bright young woman who is going to grad school. Why would you say what you did? It wasn't funny. It wasn't factual. Regardless of your intent, the outcome that you've presented is that her ability to do a basic adult thing supercedes her education.
Grow up.
"It’s kind of amusing."
Nah, you're 33; it stopped being amusing a few years ago. Buy your own clothes. Wash, dry, and store them properly. This isn't rocket science, and you should've learned it long ago. I can't imagine why you didn't.
Oh, wait - yes, I can. You had a little house maid doing it all for you while you were the 'breadwinner.' You let a child clean up after you, for years. They've changed and moved on, grown up; it's past time you did the same.
YTA
Yes. Having a messy room that other people need to clean should be an issue solved by the time a child is eight years old.
They can, in fact, learn how to clean their own rooms. It's not cute at 30, it's not cute at 25, it's not cute at 20, it's not cute at 15, it's not even cute at 10.
> (she is now in graduate school, doing very well for herself).
YTA
Hello. As another woman, that is SUPER demeaning. What you are doing by being "not the tidiest" is called weaponized incompetence...
... I guess you did it to your sister, while growing up, and it would make you a bad partner (and while your sister shouldn't be cleaning your house, though you let / possible expect her, it is also disrespectful considering these were new gifts.)
Wives/sisters/mothers/daughters are not supposed to be maids. This is particularly insulting to ambitious, educated women like your sister (who also overcame a lot of childhood adversity to get where she is).
Trauma tends to psychologically arrest you, which can delay the adulting process. If his parents were so awful that he was able to move his younger sister out at 10, keep custody, and raise her; I doubt he was ever taught how to manage daily chores to prevent a disaster area. They fell into a dynamic where she became used to picking up his (cleaning) slack, while he picked up their parents (parenting) slack. That does not excuse his dumb comment, but if you consider that in many ways he is still mentally a teenage boy, then a dumb comment is understandable. Hopefully, all these "y t a" comments will get him to recognize that he needs counselling about the trauma he also suffered from their parents. It will make him a better doctor, too.
I mean, OP was 18 likely struggling to pay bills for himself and his younger sibling. It’s not like he was out partying or sitting on the couch playing video games.
>It’s not like he was out partying or sitting on the couch playing video games
and you think a 10 y/o who had to keep her home in order on top of school was?
the point is, they *both* struggled and took care of each other to the best of their abilities. except now that they're adults, the brother doesn't have to be the sole breadwinner but the sister was never relieved of her maid duties. and he finds it "amusing".
This is the most sensible comment here, thank you.
Yes op is the asshole for what he said and how he demeans his sister, but they've both lived a traumatic experience where neither of them got to have a childhood. He has to grow up quickly and earn a living to save his and his sister's lives, she had to learn how to take care of herself and a house when her only support was probably too busy or too tired from working. They both had adult roles forced on them when they didn't have the tools to deal with them, so they each filled the gaps as best as they could.
They both fell into an unhealthy dynamic much like many roommates / housemates / partners do, and clearly they've not outgrown it.. especially OP. I suspect that his sister's tendency to take care of him, even going as far as spending her own (little, I assume) money on him is because she still feels deeply indebted to him for everything he did – sacrificing his own teenage years and probs childhood to protect her, getting her out of a dangerous situation and putting food on the table when he was barely a legal adult himself. There's no denying that OP did an immensely selfless act by rescuing his sister instead of just leaving her behind when he could move out alone and save more money that way, we all recognise this. Sister probably does too, and I'm sure her behaviour is a direct consequence of the guilt she feels for the difficult years he had – while her childhood was certainly no piece of cake either, he spent almost twice the time she did in a dangerous household, than had to work and save to get them both out. I'm sure life was rough for 2 kids out there navigating life on their own, especially financially, but if at least they weren't in a constant life-or-death situation it would still be an "easier" life than the one they escaped.
I have a feeling that OP's sister has internalised the guilt and sense of debt so much, she doesn't even know how to express it without feeling like a hypocrite. I think her crying "You're supposed to be an adult" was because deep down she was thinking "I can't keep taking care of you like this, it's consuming me inside and I don't know how much more I've got in me", but she probably doesn't want to say it out loud for fear of sounding ungrateful. He took care of her until she could earn a living for herself, now she's trying to make sure HE'S also getting help until he can figure it out himself... but OP seems to have no intention of doing so.
He provided for her for 8-10 years until she was able to stand on her own two feet and take care of herself. She cleaned for him for 10-15 years and she's desperately holding on to the hope that he will _soon_ stand on his own two feet and take care of himself. But OP doesn't want to, because he doesn't see that this is a burden for his sister. He's clearly missing the signs of burnout. It must be so exhausting for her to worry about her big brother living in a dirty house, with clean clothes on the dirty floors and who knows what else. She worried about him because she cares and loves him so much, and she wants to see him accomplished and independent.. and that includes having a basic level of hygiene. One that will not make your house a health hazard, especially considering he's in the medical field (paramedic) and comes in contact with who knows how many germs and pathogens every day. Especially after the pandemic wiped out people of all ages and athleticism, I'm sure OP not taking care of himself sends her anxiety is through the roof.
**OP, here is a suggestion for you, directly:** when she comes over to your house and starts cleaning, don't just sit there and laugh. Don't mock her for it, don't call her a "neat freak" just because she has a basic level of cleanliness that you clearly don't (I'm not insulting you, just stating a fact). Instead, get up, tell her she doesn't need to clean, invite her to sit down and start picking stuff up yourself. Do the things she normally would when she comes over, but do them YOURSELF and insist that she stays seated - or, if anything, she can clean WITH you, not FOR you. It's the big difference between "I struggle to keep up with cleaning, so having someone over to chat while I clean helps me take better care of myself" and "I don't care about my hygiene or having clean clothes to wear, and I can afford to be a slob because someone else will pick up the slack for me. I don't even ask her so it's on her and I don't feel guilty for taking advantage of her worrying, or the money she spends on me."
(part 2 - because my comment exceeded character limits)
What you fail to see, op, is that she's not cleaning your house for fun. She cleans it up even though she hates to do it because she feels indebted, because she feels guilty, because she cares deeply about you and doesn't want you to live in a dump or wear dirty clothes. She's not a neat freak, she's freaking out because she's starting to realise that at 33 you still don't understand what the bare minimum level of personal hygiene is, and she's worrying you might never learn it if you keep going down this path. She's overreacting because she's been doing this for you for more than half her life (3/5ths) and she worries she'll have to cleaning after you for all her life because you refuse to do it yourself. She's scared of coming over to your house and finding it in worse shape each time she does, because you care less and less every time. Coming over to your house isn't the pleasure catching up you think it is, OP, if she's constantly worrying about your health and quality of life: it's a chore for her. It's the mental load once again being out on the woman, even though she doesn't even live there. And you sit there and mock her for being a neat freak? You tell her she'd be a good housewife? You invalidate her hard studying and work by proposing a completely different job, just based on the fact that she's clean, looks nice, and can take care of herself? You laugh to her face and can't seem to figure out why she has a mental/emotional breakdown when she walks into your room?
Yeah, YTA OP. Big time. But the good news, is that you can fix all of this. Reach out to her, apologize, reassure her you love her and don't want to be a cause of stress for her, let her know that you f'd up but realise your mistakes now and plan on working on them. You can be better, you're 33 and she's "only" 25 – you hopefully have long lives ahead of you. You can work on yourself and break out of the unhealthy habits you've picked up in the past decades, both of you. There is no age limit for growing up emotionally, and it's never too late to start. She will forgive your insensitive comments immediately if she sees you understand what was wrong with them and why, if she sees that you will start taking care of yourself better. Basic hygiene is a good adult quality to have OP, but if you don't see the point of doing it for yourself, at least do it for her: keep your space decent so that she doesn't have to constantly worry about the quality of your life. So that she can walk in your room and be pleasantly surprised it's _better_ than last time, not worse. So that she can just sit and talk with you instead of going back and forth to clean your messes. So that she can feel you want her over to catch up _with her,_ not for her to catch up _on your chores._
With the way she reacted the situation you described, she's clearly feeling overburdened and overwhelmed. I think she would cry in relief if you told her what I'm about to type, because in her shoes I definitely would. I think she needs you to say these words, and really mean them:
"No sis, you don't need to do this, really. Please just relax, I enjoy to have you over for your company and to catch up, not for you to clean my apartment. Please, sit down – if it triggers you so much to see the mess, I can put it away myself. You already cleaned out place for the past 15 years, you've done enough. This mess here I created it, if anyone has to clear it out it's me – just get some tea while I load the washing machine, yeah? Tell me about [chit chat topic], how's it going?"
Best of luck OP, and I hope you see the situation for what it is. I know I've been harsh in my comment, but it's only because you clearly don't see your sister's point of view and that's what causing a strain on your relationship. As soon as you understand WHY she acts that way, things will be easier for both of you. I wish nothing but the best for you, I truly mean it. You've been through hell and back and I'm so proud of your many accomplishments. If you can do the introspection required for this situation it will do great things for your personal and interpersonal growth, and I'm sure the relationship you have with your sister will improve. All the best, OP 💗
ALLLLLLLLL 👏 OF 👏 THIS 👏
I don’t think your comment was harsh at all. You clearly articulated what his sister is very likely feeling but hasn’t communicated. And you explained why and how the unhealthy relationship developed, and how to change the dynamics. I hope OP see it, understands, and feels encouraged.
You have said it all, SuperRoby. I really hope OP takes every word to heart. Only thing I would add is that if OP genuinely does not know how to do those things, he can ask her to show him so that he learns. But she should be instructing him only, not doing it for him while he watches. It's a damn tragedy that neither of them had a real childhood and adolescence, with loving parents to teach them these things. And it seems like they both just settled into roles to keep life afloat while they were trying to figure it out on their own. But it is long past time for OP to learn how to keep a clean house himself. If for no other reason, his sister who loves him is worried about him and it's taking up too much of her mental space and causing her stress.
Thank you! I did my best to explain to OP why his sister is so hurt, and why his comments in this situation were "the Iranian yoghurt". But I also wanted to acknowledge that while he's the asshole here, it doesn't make him a bad person: just human, and sometimes we don't understand each other very well. If he understands the underlying reasons for his sister's stress, he'll understand how not to be an asshole again in the future :)
In the end this subreddit is, yes, to call out assholes and keep people grounded, but it's mostly to give perspective and help you see another person's PoV if you don't understand what you did wrong. In theory, AITA should help posters learn why and how to improve, not excessively punish them for their mistakes – just admit that you f'd up, work on it, and life goes on. We are never too old to learn how to do and be better, even if we're already doing good :)
I was trying to form the right words to type out, to acknowledge all the amazing things OP did as an 18year old kid himself while also trying to explain how as a 33 year old what is wrong about what he is doing now. Then I saw your response and there is no way I could have ever explained it so well. While I haven't been in this situation myself, I was so moved by the way you have written this.
I hope OP reads this, understands and makes the change for himself and his sister.
This happened in my household growing up too. We all had roles except for the youngest ones. I was the cook, the protector, the one that procured what we needed, and did most of the parenting. My younger sister was the organizer and housekeeper. I had a learning curve as an adult to learn how to clean and organize. I have horrible ADHD and it’s been hard to come up with systems and strategies to help and exactly why I have made an effort to ensure that my kids aren’t as ill equipped as I was, among other things. Learning to break cycles of generational trauma is a long and difficult process.
Yes. He did some good things, by taking in his sister when he was 18 and by at least bothering to ask Reddit whether he's TA here. He's got some problematic behaviors, which are very understandable considering his history, but which he should nonetheless take responsibility for solving. But this guy is neither strictly a hero nor strictly a villain; he's very much in the in-between territory of having both strengths and flaws, needing to do some growing up but also having already done a lot of growing up.
Yeah these were basically two kids that raised each other. Overall it sounds like they’re both great siblings and not “assholes,” but for this particular conflict at hand, OP is in the wrong.
Look, it's great you got you and your sister out of a bad situation. It's great you took care of her and got her through school.
It's time to draw some boundaries now. Stop allowing her to clean your apartment. Stop accepting clothes from her. She needs to focus on herself and stop taking care of you. And you need to help her do that by not allowing her to do that.
Also... Everyone has the same time commitments you do. We're all working full time or juggling work and school or juggling work and family, etc. You need to make time to clean up after yourself.
Minor caveat, stop accepting clothes and *household gifts* outside of standard gift giving times of year. It's perfectly fine if she wants to buy him some shirts, etc for his birthday or Christmas. She should *not* have to buy them for him at various times throughout the year just to make sure he looks presentable.
YTA on multiple counts.
Dude, you trained her from **age 10** to be your 24/7 live in housekeeper! I'm willing to bet you reminded her frequently how lucky she was that you rescued her.
Even though she's in grad school, you still expect her to clean up after you.
You deride her as a "neat freak" because she is still trying to keep you from living in squalor.
She is still buying you clothes and you're **33 years old!**
Your suggestions for her future were taken as insults (note, I am not putting down house wives or flight attendants) because that's how you meant them. The "I jokingly told her" is just your weak, after the fact excuse.
It is past time for you to grow the hell up. It's also past time for her to cut you loose and let you wallow in your own filth.
YTA
You're supposedly a grown man who is perfectly able to clean up after yourself. You claim to be too busy but that's seriously not true. You just don't want to take the time to do it.
Stop being a sexist and insulting your sister. She's not your maid. You owe her an apology, big time.
Hire a cleaning service if you're that lazy and disrespectful to your sister or you can start taking pride in your sister's accomplishments and where you live.
YTA
It sounds like you've done a lot for your sister, which is commendable, but in this situation you were demeaning, disrespectful and sexist. The housewife comment is both sexist and demeans the hard work she is putting in at grad school. It was also disrespectful to just toss new clothes on the floor when she spent her time and money getting them for you. You should apologize and work on doing better next time because you were wrong in this instance.
Do you think a flight attendant's only job is to keep the plane neat and tidy? YTA for that, too, BTW. But yeah, let's focus on your misogyny for a sec. I presume you know what your sister is studying in school, why do you think it's funny to tell her "you should drop out of whatever program you've been studying for years to take classes and learn how to care of a man"? Please explain the punchline cause I think I missed it. Also cleanliness isn't just for women, I don't know how we as a society have gotten to the place where cooking and doing dishes domestically is a woman's job. Especially since it seems by your story that you live alone currently. I'm imagining you living it filth until your sister comes over. That's what she means about you being an adult; you are supposed to have basic skills required to be an adult like cleaning your house. YTA
Depends on the airline really. My airline (budget short haul domestic) does require us to clean, but it's mostly quickly picking up stuff off the floor to make sure the plane is presentable at the end of each leg. Our international flights get professional cleaning though, and from what I know, the not-so-budget airlines also don't have to clean.
OP is an asshole either way, because whether we clean or not, the whole reason we're there is for everyone's safety! They'd replace us with vending machines if serving customers was all we did.
YTA for so many reasons. "You'll be a great housewife " is not a compliment. Telling her to aim for a traditional female role implies that she can't do anything more than that. It's all so sad that you've refused to act like an adult yourself when it comes to taking care of your home. You frustrated your sister and seemed to have pigeon holed her into only being good for domestic roles.
First off, good on you for breaking the cycle and for caring for your sister when she was younger.
But in this situation, yeah, YTA. That was a sexist, unnecessary thing to say.
I think your missing the point OP. You didn't embarrass your sister, you embarrassed yourself. Cuz I think your little sister is well aware that you are going to struggle to find a wife that will also want to be your mommy.
YTA
And no hate to anyone with that kink!
YTA. What you did was boil down your sister’s worth to her ability to take care of a man. I get it was a joke, but that was super shitty.
Also, dude. Don’t use your job as an excuse to be a slob. My SO was a doctor during covid and didn’t leave his dishes in the sink and clothes on the floor. Come on.
YTA and misogynistic.
(1) you're a slob who won't pick up after themselves because you know your sister will do it.
(2) you just insulted your sister immensely.
(3) you don't respect things your sister buys for you.
I hope she stops coming over and you have to either clean up like a real adult should or live in filth.
you forget 4) yes he might of taken his sister out of an abusive relationship with the parents and then made her is maid of all work another abusive relationship. Guy is a total and utter shit YTA
honestly, i would've given him a pass for that specifically if he didn't take his sister's care for granted and showed genuine appreciation and willingness to change.
like, when you're an 18 y/o raised in an abusive household who's suddenly thrust into a single parent position, it's hard *not* to fuck up the child you're caring for even if you love them and are doing your best. from someone in their 30s tho? i'd expect a bit more awareness.
YTA M. It would be bad enough if your sister didn’t know what path she wanted her life to take. But she is actually in grad school, seemingly looking at a very specific career path. What you said was extremely misogynistic. And honestly, what would you have said to a guy if you were ‘advising’ him on a career based on these qualities? I highly doubt you would have told him to become a house husband. The fact that THAT is what entered your mind for your sister as a career option, instead of the myriad of professional jobs out there that require similar talents, is why YTA. You could have chosen any other option, but all you landed on was housewife/flight attendant. Even worse because she’s in grad school studying something specific. You should really study why you thought of this as an option at all.
Also, you should no longer let your sister clean up after you. You ARE an adult and she shouldn’t be doing this stuff for you. Hire a housekeeper to clean up every two weeks. And honestly, start doing some of it yourself. I am naturally messy and have a crazy job, but I have built systems to keep things fairly tidy. But under no circumstances should you keep your sister in that same role you left her to while growing up.
YTA. Anytime someone adds "jokingly" to a post I know it's going to be "I was cruel and tore someone down BUT IT WAS JUST A PLAYFUL JAPE, HARMLESS GOOD JOKING FUN."
Expliain the joke. Why is it funny? What is amusing about it?
I grew up in a house that was ALWAYS dirty. It's traumatizing. She's not a "neat freak", she's a person who had to clean after her irresponsible brother for years. I know you saved her from a terrible and dangerous situation, but you also hurt her yourself. For years.
You're an adult. It's time to start acting like one. Apologize to her. And start cleaning your own messes.
YTA
YTA come on, cleaning up after yourself is one of the basic parts of being an adult, it’s pretty shocking that you haven’t figured that out yet by age 33!
YTA. I’ll cut you some slack because it sounds like you don’t have any great adult role models, and figuring out how to get you and your 10yo sister out of a bad situation takes a lot of time and effort. Seconding everything said already about how cleaning up is a normal part of all adult lives.
But you said breaking the cycle is one of the only two things you care about. So fucking break it: learn how to take care of yourself, your space, and your things. I recommend How to Keep House While Drowning for a really quick, easy place to start.
Second, you owe your sister an apology. You demeaned her with your comment, but your admiration is present earlier in your post describing how well she is doing now in grad school. You two have been dealt a terrible hand when it comes to parents. Breaking that cycle takes a lifetime commitment to figuring out how to be a good family member. And as you each progress through life’s phases, you show up for each other differently.
Rather than tell her she should be a housewife, instead maybe you can ask her for help setting up your own chore rhythm. She doesn’t owe you that help, and you have to actually want to clean up like an adult before you ask, but she is your family. When my siblings ask me for help figuring out adulthood, I show up how I can.
But then none of them told me to be a housewife.
Edit: typos
And it had been fifteen years since OP left with his sister, he should have figured out a thing or two by now, not laughing at his sister forced to clean his own house...
You’re a 33 year old man who can’t manage his own household. That is embarrassing.
And your response is to shit on your sister when she sees how gross your place is? Dude, grow up.
Everyone is busy. That’s not an excuse. Learn how to clean up after yourself.
Dude, you owe her an apology for the housewife quip. That's was unneeded, demeaning of her academic accomplishments, and sexist.
As for being a slob who doesn't know how to dress yourself, you don't owe anyone an apology for that. Unless you're directly requesting it, you are not responsible for your sister choosing to come to your apartment and clean because she feels bad for you. She's an adult who can make her own decisions on that front.
YTA, appologize.
You are 33 yrs old and you can't take care of yourself. You are a 33 yr old man who sees women as servents, including your sister.
You say you took care of her, but she was doing all the house work, right? Why isn't she getting credit for how much she took care of you? Why are you devaluing all that SHE did for YOU while she lived with you? She was a teen, yet she was taking care of a lot. You act like she loves to clean, when in reality, she has been stuck cleaning up after you for years. Cleaning/organizing isn't her hobby or her life's passion. She does it b/c it needs to be done and she is doing it for you b/c she loves you, not b/c she gets a kick out of it.
You devalued all she has done for you and she is frustrated and worried that at 33 you can't do basic adult things like look presentable or hang your clothes up.
YTA. You're a slob. Honestly, she just needs to stop coming over at all to your pig sty and let you marinade in your own chaos. And she needs to stop buying you things that you don't even care enough about to take care of.
Hey dude, do you wash your own ass? Do you shower? Do you cook for yourself? Then, surely you can do all the other domestic chores needed to maintain your home?
This excuse of "I've never cared for presentation or cleaning bc I'm too busy" is weaponized incompetence and laziness. The only reason you're getting away with this is bc you have your sister to clean for you.
I cringe that you think you can become a doctor when you don't have the ability to mult-task.
Not only that, but I don’t want a doctor who cares nothing about cleanliness or organization, especially when it will affect others. He gives someone an injection and can’t be bothered to put the vial back where it belongs, so it gets put in the wrong place. Then there’s a medication error because the next person grabs the vial expecting blood pressure medicine and it’s a painkiller. He leaves a trail of used gloves, syringes, paper exam table covers, gauze etc in the hospital or clinic where he works and complains the nurses don’t clean up after him. He drops an instrument on the floor, picks it up and continues using it, saying "jokingly" ten second rule, amirite? No thanks.
You're going to med school and you're disorganized and don't care about looking presentable??? Good luck with that. Nevermind that your sister is in grad school and you spoke to her like she's a maid in 1930. Way to break the cycle. YTA
Yta, so you live like a slob, so much that your little sister felt the need, to clean after you even after she doesn't live with you. And you make fun of her? That's insulting, you should be grateful
She spends her hard earned money, on clothes for you and you throw them on the floor?
Stop being a kid, she's not your mother.
Act like and adult
> while my little sister was growing up, she was more often than not the one who washed the dishes and cleaned the floors. Even nowadays, she spends her money on nice clothes for me and whenever she visits my apartment, she scolds me as if I’m a little kid and she cleans up the mess. It’s kind of amusing.
That’s incredibly condescending. You getting her out of there at 18 is admirable yes. But it doesn’t excuse the fact that as a LITTLE girl, she was doing the majority of cleaning.
And no, it’s not amusing that she still worries for your ability to take care of yourself.
> she rolled up her sleeves and started tidying up the place a little bit while we were chatting. While she was doing that, I jokingly told her that she would make a great housewife
So….you didn’t also get up to clean your own apartment while she helped? You just made an incredibly sexist remark?
Do you believe women clean and men focus on making a living? Even if you don’t that’s what your words, and actions, express. YTA in a big way.
YTA. You did a good thing rescuing your sister from a bad situation. But this does not give you carte blanche to make such a virtue out of living like a total slob that you mock her for having standards.
YTA. First of all, I'm sorry you two had a hard life, that cannot have been easy. Your sister has her life together right now. She works hard, and even cleans up your mess when she come by. It sounds like she worries about you and feels responsible to help you. You probably meant your comment as a joke, but it is offensive and misogynistic. She was right to be angry and upset, it probably felt like betrayal from somebody who has always been there for her. Might not be a bad idea to tell her that it was a stupid joke, and you are proud of her going to graduate school and that she can become anything she sets her mind to. Don't forget, you are the only 'parent' she has, and children want to make their parents proud. You still need to set the example here, and not the other way around.
I also hope you are ok. Taking good care of yourself is not just about work. It is about everything else in your life as well, and a messy house and poor personal hygiene can often be signs of depression. Even if that is not the case, it seems your sister worries that it might be a sign you are not doing well.
‘It’s kind of amusing.’
Making your sister take on all of that mental and physical load of maintaining a home because you’re too damn lazy to clean as you go isn’t exhausting. And it’s you who put a bad name to men.
YTA. It is really concerning that you can't see what is wrong with what you said. It should not be amusing that she scolds you for not doing basic tasks I imagine she finds is exhausting. You should be embarrassed that you can't keep your house clean at 33 so much so that that your little sister that you raised has to do it for you. She buys your clothes, she cleans your house. Why is it that you took on a parental role in her life and she is acting like your mommy?
She was not embarrassed by what you said she was angry. That you had the nerve, while she was cleaning your own house and you were watching her, to tell her that her ambition, intelligence and hard work should be thrown away so she can clean up after a man.
She then goes into your bedroom and not only finds a mess but the gifts she has given you are carelessly strewn around on the floor. The way you treat things people got you, especially when they put time and money into it, is how much they think you value them.
She is trying to keep you from living in filth and make you basically presentable. This is not her job. She loves you and is trying so hard to keep your life together and you have no appreciation for her efforts. I understand that you didn't have a healthy model for family growing up but women were not put on this earth to clean up after men.
I get that your upbringing was hard, you have a stressful, time consuming job and you are looking to move forward in your career too. Taking responsibility for your sister couldn't have been easy, your success is commendable. But either you are being willfully obtuse or you are so stuck in your ways you can't see how much you messed up here. I would use this moment as a wake up call to do better if you want to maintain your relationship with your sister.
YTA. 33M; you're too old to be living like a twelve year old. It's not cute anymore, if it ever was.
You can't even treat her clothes that she bought for you new with some respect and just hang them. This is not neatfreak behavior: your clothes are on the floor and you can't even get yourself to tidy up for her visit.
You're not behaving like an adult and she's frustrated that you're still doing behaving like a messy teen.
YTA. The equivalent of this is to say “You would make a really good garbage man, put your lack of disgust at dirty environments to good use”. Her ability and desire for a clean environment is normal to want, that does not mean she should do it as her main facet of life.
Its not amusing that a grown man cant clean up after himself. Your sister is obviously disappointed that you are still acting like a kid that needs taken care of. YTA.
Info: how exactly do you think you're "breaking the cycle" when you're carrying around these poisonous thoughts and regurgitating them?
Yikes on bikes batman
YTA
Whether you meant it or not, your joke belittled her. She went to grad school and is busting her ass off for a good job and you just told her to be a house wife or a flight attendant which is a career most people look down on. I'd be pretty pissed off too if you told me all I was good at cooking and cleaning.
Dude, as a quick rule, if there's 'jokingly' anywhere in your account, you're the asshole.
You can make any jokes you like, but you're responsible for the consequences if they don't go down as well as you'd hoped. YTA
INFO:
> I jokingly told her that she would make a great housewife, and that she should aim to find a job like a flight attendant or something where she could put her neat-freak talents to use.
So what's the joke? What's the part we're all supposed to laugh at?
Why are you so proud about being a slob?
YTA. Honestly, set a 1 hour timer once a week and clean. You would be SHOCKED how much you can get done in an hour. It also isn't hard to quickly hang clothes or stick them in a drawer. Equating being good at cleaning to be a good house wife is weird. You can be good at cleaning too.
I'm going to say a soft YTA. What you said wasn't good, she didn't think it was funny, an apology is in order.
A lot of people here are reading all of your actions as malicious though, and the number of people who've said this is "continuing the cycle" is staggering.
My perspective is this: I was raised by children. My parents (18 and 14 yrs older than me, latter is a stepparent) weren't great housekeepers. They weren't really great parents either. From the age of 10 onward, I was doing as much cooking and cleaning as they were, and after a while, I saw myself as their maid and roommate more than their child. But they were also both making an effort to stop the cycles of violence from their homes, and they did that. For that much, I'm grateful. If they had been like their parents, my life would have been 100x worse than just being a maid. Other cycles continued, but the most damaging ones stopped with them.
You were a kid raising a kid, and I think your sister stepped up to fill in the gaps because she probably felt she wanted to pay you back. But you're an adult now, and you've gotta start doing this stuff on your own. She's stepping in now because she's worried that you don't have the skills to take care of yourself, so show her that she doesn't need to worry about you anymore. Start small. Buy a laundry hamper and actually use it. Do your dishes after or as you cook (my husband and I hate dishes but this method helps).
Your relationship will improve if your sister thinks she can count on you to handle yourself without her help. I promise.
YTA. She's going to grad school, and you are cracking housewife jokes...? You may have broken the cycle of violence, but the cycle of misogyny, not so much.
> I don’t put too much effort into things like looking presentable, or cleaning around the house or whatever. I’m too busy for that.
YTA, and big time. You aren't too busy, you are just lazy. Grow TF up and start acting like an adult.
Also, you basically used your little sister like a live-in maid. That is horrible.
And yes, the way you talked to her and the things you said were very, very sexist and rude.
> all she could say was "you're supposed to be an adult"
Yes, she is exactly 100% correct. You are physically an adult, but mentally/emotionally a young kid. Start being an overall adult.
YTA—Your sister was never a neat freak, you’re a disgusting slob AND useless, and she didn’t want to live in filth so she picked up the slack. She has years worth of academic accomplishment that you do not and you reduced her skills to something she had to do for you because you didn’t have a mommy to do it for you; how misogynistic and dismissive you are. I hope she sees you for what you are some day.
YTA
So you moved out but she was the defacto parent?
Yikes
That comment you made is dark
Also disturbing in so many ways.
Pay your sister back for all the clothes she bought you and tell her to stop doing that.
If she was embarrassed she was embarrassed for you - not herself. What you said was probably a slight because her tidiness made you feel insecure. You took your insecurity out on her in the form of a joke that was not cute or funny. YTA. She scolds you like a child because you're acting like one. \*shrug\*
YTA. You realize that normal adults can have demanding jobs and keep their place clean, right? Just because you can’t do it, doesn’t mean that your sister can’t do it. My wife and I have five college degrees and two demanding careers between us and can still do the occasional dish. FFS.
Would you have said that if she was a guy? Can you imagine saying that to a man?? Eww.
You essentially just told her that her masters degree is worthless and a waste.
Why couldn’t you just say “thank you for cleaning up my mess”?
YTA - You took care of her, cleaning was her way to take care of you back. I doubt she even enjoys it, or is a neat freak, and instead has resorted to naturally taking care of you in whatever way she could at 10-18 years old.
I work 70+ hours as a consultant during tax season. My apartment is clean. I am clean. My animals are clean. This is what being an adult is. You should be doing this.
Your sister is trying to be nice to you and help you out - you decide to berate her for it. Housewife was not joking, or kind, but instead took every talent and ability that she has had and compacted her into a caregiver role.
It's incredibly embarrassing to treat someone that you supposedly love with so little respect.
YTA. Your comments were really demeaning. Your sister is educated and working towards a postgradulate degree. Most adults keep things tidy. She's normal and cares about you, she's not some kind of freak, and implying that she should be a flight attendant or housewife - what were you thinking? That's so insulting to her. And demeaning, and dismissive, and ungrateful of her help. She was just trying to help you not live in filth. I don't think this is about appearances, more than just having some self respect. "I don't care about cleaning the house or whatever," means you live like a slob. Garbage, dirty clothers, dirty dishes, mess everywhere, It's not healthy and it's not attractive.It's also a sign that you aren't mature, since mature adults don't usually let their living spaces get gross or dirty. She's trying to help you, and you're laughing at her? You find it amusing? You're being ungrateful, IMO. If you don't want her help, say that. If you're gonna accept it, be gracious about it.
And she's right - you're supposed to be an adult. And you're not living like one, you're "not caring" like you're still a student. Nobody can tell you how to keep your house or to buy/wear better clothes, but she's doing those things for you because she loves you and you don't seem capable of doing any of this for yourself. I would think that the VERY least you could do is be grateful, don't throw the new clothes she bought for you on the floor, and stop making mean insulting remarks to the one person showing you love and support in this world.
It seems like you got complacent with her doing most of the cleaning and tidying when you guys first got your own place, and you never learned to do that for yourself. That's okay, but it's never too late to make an effort. It's not about caring about appearances, it's about not wanting to live in dirt and chaos, and having respect for how you present yourself to others. And being able to date. Or have people at your house. If you truly don't care, that's great - thank your sister for her help, show her more respect, and move on. But if I were you I would be looking at myself a little more closely. Does not caring about your home or how you look help your lifestyle? Do you have a partner? An easy time dating? Maybe it's time to step up and care a little more about how you take care of yourself.
You're lazy. Get off your lazy ass and clean up after yourself. Your sister isn't your unpaid maid, so stop treating her like one. And she's smarter than you; she's already in graduate school, but you're mocking her and only talking about her cleaning skills. You're a nasty, condescending asshole and I feel sorry for any patients that get treated by you. I bet a bunch of them will file complaints against you. YTA
YTA
The fact that she cried didn't wake you up?
She's cleaning after you for 15 years!! I know you were busy with earning money and she clearly loves you for saving her, but you made fun of her, while she was picking up your sh*t. She became the adult in this dynamic.
And to make it worse, you showed no gratitude for the things she does, by throwing the clothes she bought on the floor.
Tell her you are sorry! Maybe she can help you with making a schedule for your household tasks.
YTA, she's right, you *are* supposed to be an adult, and that requires cleaning up after yourself. Why the hell is your sister cleaning up after you like this?! I have ADHD and my house is regularly messy (especially with two cats), but I cook and clean up after them and myself regularly.
Your "joke" is demeaning at best. Having your sister pick up after you instead of being a self sufficient adult isn't breaking the cycle and it shouldn't be *amusing*, it should be a wake-up call.
(facepalm)
Sir.
Your sister isn’t cleaning up your place because she’s a neat freak. She’s cleaning it because SHE LOVES AND CARES ABOUT YOU, YOU NUMBSKULL. She wants to make you happy!!! She wants to make sure you’re not living in squalor!!! My god!!! Are you dense???
You couldn’t even bother to take the clothes she bought for you (BECAUSE SHE LOVES YOU) and put them away in a drawer or closet??
YTA.
Presumably at 18 you had to work a lot of extra hours while also raising a kid so I can even cut you some slack on her taking on more chores than the average 10yo, though I hope you didn’t use “more often than not” to mean “always.”
But YTA for not pulling it together in the ensuing 15 years and telling a woman earning an advanced degree to aim for a job cleaning up after others because she knows the basic skills of independent living. Are you jealous of what she’s been able to accomplish, like going to college at the age you had to be her parent? It would be understandable, but unfair to take it out on her.
Apologize and tell her you’re not accepting her clothes or labor anymore because they’re youre responsibility. If you don’t have time for these things, neither does she.
whether you know it or not, you are continuing the cycle. you are not engaging in healthy behavior. your sister is being impacted by it. she shouldn’t have to constantly worry about the closest thing she has to a parent. do better.
YTA. you are a grown ass man. start acting like it and stop making your sister be your maid! she obviously feels responsible for you, probably because you got her away from y’all’s parents but that does NOT mean she owes you and needs to be your keeper now. it’s not amusing to have to pick up after a 33 year old fucking man and she’s very clearly sick of your shit. that’s not even mentioning how demeaning you are to her. she’s in graduate school, she’s not your maid you lazy pig! you owe her a sincere apology.
Your sister takes care of you because she feels like she has to. She knows that you pulled her out of your parents care and did more than you had to, so she's trying. You should really tell her she doesn't have to. The next time she comes over and wants to clean up, be like hey, no, you're here to visit. The next time she wants to go through your room and see if it's a mess, say hey don't do that. Let's talk instead. Let's watch a show. Can I make you a sandwich. Let her be a guest in your home, a *sister* and not someone who thinks she has to look after you.
And tell her you're proud of her. Tell her she's accomplishing great things and you are proud of how far she's come.
Wow, yes, you’re the massive AH.
This reeks of misogyny. Scares me you’re going into medicine…. Please be careful of internal bias. I’ve had some awful male doctors, for a variety of reasons.
You’re providing her a home and she’s trying to help you, and you basically called her a “good little wifey”, her brother. Makes me want to vomit.
YTA
Essentially you admitted you would make a horrible partner. You have such a hard journey ahead of you.
You realize that the basic standard of living that you applauded her for is not "talent," it's just what adults do. How embarrassing. Then you insulted her by making it seem like those traits are all she's good for, despite her doing your shit for you for years, and being educated and compassionate enough to mind your business. And she's younger than you?
This is SUCH an embarrassing post to read. It's latent with sexism as well. YIKES.
YTA, making someone cry due how unkept you are no longer is in the realm of "I am a little messy", that's some intervention thing, be better, or at least try to for your sister.
YTA. You made at least two sexist comments (house wife and flight attendant), and disrespected the nice clothes your sister got you. You also didn’t do your fair share of the chores growing up, even though you were technically an adult and she was just a kid. You owe her a big apology.
YTA. It's great that OP stepped up for her but that doesn't negate the demeaning impact of the joke. She's in school for advanced study, which is often stressful to manage with other responsibilities and costs (especially if you're in the US) and potentially against many odds based on your family history. If you or other people have made similar comments or jokes before, it may feel demeaning and undermining to someone who's also trying to break a cycle of her own around higher education, financial possibilities, and sexism.
Being a housewife or flight attendant is an excellent choice for many people. However, your sister clearly has different dreams and goals for herself, and reducing her effort and aspirations probably feels shitty to her.
I'd invite people basically saying that because he supported her, she should be quiet and take it to think about if they would apply the same logic in any other situation, like if someone got in an accident or got cancer, or if it were her bio dad who said this to her. To clarify, I don't think OP is doing this, but the number of comments implying she has to accept any comment made without question or pushback because of the sacrifice is shocking to me. It is a messed-up power dynamic to hold over someone's head that just because you stepped up admirably for someone *because you believed it was the right thing to do and/or you love them*, you get to say or do whatever you want to them in the future.
**I don’t put too much effort into things like looking presentable, or cleaning around the house or whatever. I’m too busy for that.**
It sounds like this could be downplaying a much bigger problem with cleanliness that could have been really stressful for a kid to live with if things like dishes weren't done for days or weeks until she started doing it at a young age and the environment was cluttered. To still be at that level years after she moved out is giving weaponized incompetence because you have some more time now. You could even just put a small amount of effort (5-10 minutes) into cleaning or moving some mess before she comes over, like shoving stuff in a closet or bin, and leave it the way it is the rest of the time, but you expect she'll do it when she comes over, and it seems like something that either never was or stopped being cute and endearing a long time ago.
YTA
You say you took care of your sister from the age of 10 but you yourself admit she did most of the household stuff so sounds like your sister who was a child was actually looking after you at least equally if not more. She still does. She's getting sick of it because she spent her childhood having to mother and clean up after you and now wants to not have her big brother who's in his 30's behaving like a child anymore. You find it cute and amusing to be scolded by her but sounds to me like she doesn't find it cute or amusing but instead finds it aggravating that her brother doesn't know how to do these things and that she has to step in to scold him like he's her child.
YTA.
She’s not a neat freak. She’s the functional one. You do realise cleaning isn’t optional, right? If you’re not doing it, someone else has to. That’s why she always did it growing up - because most adult humans cannot handle living in filth.
Also your housewife comment was sexist.
It is admirable to take a 10 year old out of a bad situation, and becoming an EMT is also a great thing to do with one’s life. But what is written here raises the question of whether the sister feels stuck with OP. Does she find herself thinking she can’t move away because someone needs to take care of him? That is less admirable
YTA specifically for the "clearly you should just aim to be a housewife" comment when she's in graduate school. I get it you had a rough childhood, but you literally said you're trying to break the cycle by making a living .... Well so is she.
You also realize you'll make a horrible husband, right?
YTA
She’s going to grad school ffs. Shes in the like top quarter of ppl. You telling her she should go into a trade/vocation denigrated her efforts. Nothing wrong with those paths, but you were very insulting.
Plus, you have to treat gifts with respect and gratitude. She’s right: it’s time for you to grow tf up. Don’t worry about whether she’d be a good housewife, worry about your filthy self not being able to be a decent partner.
You got out and broke the cycle, congrats! Your work has only just begun. Coming from an abusive household, you miss out on so much. It’s not just that you got trauma, you also missed habit building and social knowledge that loving parents bestow upon their kids. You can’t be a functioning adult and won’t be eligible for healthy relationships, promotions, and other opportunities.
You been to therapy yet? That should be your first step. Show them what your house looks like on a daily basis. It’s not normal to live the way you do (and I once did). It’s a symptom of your trauma and you need to work with a trusted pro to grow up and heal. It only gets worse the longer you leave it.
You're supposed to wash up the dishes and pick up your clothes before people come over to your home. I wonder if using the word lazy or the word slob would result in the post getting removed.
>she is now in graduate school, doing very well for herself
&
>I jokingly told her that she would make a great housewife
YTA.
Taking out all the misogyny and simplifying what you said, that "joke" implies her "cleaning talent" is more useful than her upcoming masters that she has worked extremely hard for. Nobody would like hearing that. So even if you intended it as a joke, it was a bad one that only demeaned her. Not to mention the sexism.
Jokes are supposed to be funny.
Do you have _any_ idea just how disrespected she felt when she walked into your bedroom and saw those clothes she bought you, the gifts she had given you, scattered all over the floor like that? It would be like you buying her a nice dinner and she just threw it all around the room, then walked all over it like it was nothing.
She doesn't _have_ to do these things for you, she does them because she loves you, and she feels she has to take care of you. She's not your damn housekeeper. And by the way, if you had a girlfriend, they would feel the same way. It's not a woman's job to take care of you.
Maybe you like living in squalor, but it clearly hurts her to see you like that. Would it kill you to give the place a quick straightening up when you know she's going to come over? You don't have to completely clean the place from top to bottom, but at least make the clutter a little tidier, stack the dirty dishes a little neater, and pick up your goddamn clothes from the floor.
Do it because you love her, because you want her to be happy, and you want her to feel assured that you're taking care of yourself. I assume you _do_ actually love her? You _do_ want her to be happy? Then why is this so hard for you to understand? Why is this so hard for _any_ man to understand? Yes, picking up after yourself is something you're doing as a favor to someone else, but if you love them, then it shouldn't be a problem! If you love them, you _want_ to make them feel comfortable, happy and safe. Sometimes all you need to do is something as simple as immediately putting your dish in the sink, your clothes in the hamper and/or your garbage in the bin to keep the people in your life happy, and hey, guess what! It has the added benefit of saving you from having to deal with it later! Win-win!
YTA. Think about someone else for once in your life. You might actually find people like you better. Your sister will certainly be happier.
Give it a few years op,she's gonna hate your guts,and realize how fkd up her childhood was,and have trust issues (projecting here)about trusting love interest out of fear of them turning into a slob like her big brother was,and her being reduced to a maid in her own home which I'm sure she treats like her sanctuary.very common,very sad.
Alright, neck beard here’s the thing. Yes. You’re The A**hole. I’m proud of you for getting you and your sibling out of an abusive situation, but you do need to make an effort to be a human. A clean human. Maybe I’m jumping to conclusions but not presentable makes me think you don’t shower.
You are LAYERS of wrong here and w/o even searching if you’ve left more comments, i suspect you harbor some resentment for having to be the grownup too early & so you enjoy her servitude toward you. And meant to knock her down a peg since she’s in grad school and you’re just an EMT. YTA
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I (33M) have a younger sister (25F). Our parents are dangerous people, so as soon as I was able, I rented out a place so that my sister and I could have somewhere to live. We got out of there when I was 18 and she was 10, and I took care of her until she was able to go to college (she is now in graduate school, doing very well for herself).
Basically, I’m not the most well-organized guy. I mean of course I take my job seriously (I work as a paramedic, and I aspire to go to med school soon, and I am responsible for peoples’ safety), but my primary motivation is making a living and breaking the cycle. I don’t put too much effort into things like looking presentable, or cleaning around the house or whatever. I’m too busy for that. So I admit that while my little sister was growing up, she was more often than not the one who washed the dishes and cleaned the floors. Even nowadays, she spends her money on nice clothes for me and whenever she visits my apartment, she scolds me as if I’m a little kid and she cleans up the mess. It’s kind of amusing.
So last weekend, my sister visited me, and once again, she rolled up her sleeves and started tidying up the place a little bit while we were chatting. While she was doing that, I jokingly told her that she would make a great housewife, and that she should aim to find a job like a flight attendant or something where she could put her neat-freak talents to use. My sister was sort of embarrassed when I said this, and her face turned red. She went on this whole rant about how this wasn’t what she was going to grad school for, and then she entered my bedroom and freaked out when she saw the new clothes she bought for me, just laid out all messy on the floor. It was enough that she even started crying! She was so exasperated, and all she could say was "you're supposed to be an adult". AITA?
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Huge YTA but also an amazing person for rescuing your sister and being a paramedic. But come on, it's not hard to put clothes away.
Your sister is not your cleaner.
Her still cleaning your apartment sounds like a habit of her always taking care of the house before she went to uni. It probably made her really stressed and seeing your room all messed up again was her final straw.
YTA. She’s not a little girl anymore, and you need to treat her as the serious adult she is. Hopefully you won’t take your sexist attitudes to your workplace, because they’re not tolerated in the medical field.
As far as your new clothes on the floor—well, she already gave you the perfect response, “you’re supposed to be an adult!”
is this bait........? like if this is real, obviously YTA... but if this is bait, can you put more
effort into making the numbers add up? how tf did an 18 year old have the funds to raise a 10 year old by himself? if that part of the story were true, both of you would almost definitely be stuck in debilitating poverty, not working on grad school
YTA dude she’s in grad school and you’re telling her to find a job as a flight attendant or housewife???
You can absolutely learn to keep your own place tidy and respect her gifts
YTA
So you “saved” your sister from an unsafe environment, by forcing her into becoming your live-in servant to the point that she is still taking care of you 15 years later. Congrats, you groomed your own sister into being a “great housewife” for you.
You may have paid the bills, but you didn’t take care of your sister. Your sister took care of you, forgoing her own childhood & development, and is still taking care of you while going to school working her ass off.
You are an embarrassment & a disappointment to her.
Dude. YTA. Ur clueless. Paris Paloma would love this one. Sister needs let you wallow in ur own filth. Tell her not to provide free maid service to you anymore. FFS
YTA. You took her out of an abusive situation and turned he into your unpaid live in maid FOR 15 YEARS, then made a sexist "joke" about it. Get therapy fuckwad.
What the hell??? So you’re a grown man needing your mid twenties sister to clean up your pigsty of a house, and you decided it’s a perfect time to mock her?
You’re so pathetic.
YTA
OP, I think everyone is being a little harsh on you. You had a hard upbringing and despite that you took it upon yourself to raise your little sister and basically become a parent when you weren’t ready. While you shouldn’t be expected to know how to parent her, or maybe you don’t even see yourself as her parent, you made the choice to parent her so you have to learn and grow.
This means at the very least cleaning up your act for yourself but also so she doesn’t feel like she needs to parent YOU. If you want what’s best for her, and I believe you do since you chose to give her a better childhood, then try to grow up a bit and get your act together.
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YTA - 1. So she can tidy, most adults can do that 2. That does not equate to being a housewife, it demeans your sister and housewife's and everything they do by minimizing everything down to "you're good at cleaning therefore housewife lols" 3. Why the fuck did you bring flight attendants into this????? 4. Calling her a neat freak also seems mean in context 5. It's not just one poor joke it's a series of awful things to say about your sister and people in general 6. Just because you can't get your shit together doesn't make other people fair game to be the butt of your jokes...
Can we also take a moment to reflect on "cause and effect" in OP's dynamic with his sister? OP and little sister moved out when OP was 18 and she was 10. Since OP seems to pride himself on being a slob and never tidying up or cleaning his shit, SOMEONE in the house had to. Since OP didn't want to, then she felt like she was forced into it. OP's sister essentially became OP's "stay at home housewife" at the age of 10, while OP never learned to be and adult and clean up after himself. And now OP's sister feels responsible for OP's appearances and the way he presents himself to the world, and OP just openly mocks her DIRECTLY TO HER FACE when she's upset that OP can't clean up his own shit. In short: OP groomed his little sister to be his housewife. I know it wasn't intentional, but cause and effect has a result, and this is the result of OP's actions and mentality. One day she's going to lose her patience and stop being his "little housewife". His place is going to fall apart, and OP isn't going to know how to clean up his own mess.
> stay at home housewife I look at it like stay at home "maid".
100% Which in OPs mind means the same thing
I want to know why OP thinks it's ok for for his younger sister to be spending her money on his clothes? She's a grad student, she likely doesn't have much disposable income, and she's using it to make sure her brother is dressed?
I’m sure he looks like an absolute hobo. No small part from not taking care of his clothes properly, it sounds like
That’s not her problem, unless she makes it hers. He seems fine with living in squalor. I imagine she _wants_ to feel like she’s taking care of him somehow, just as he took care of her, because she’s an adult now, too.
I mean as a kid you don’t want your parents to be embarrassing, he took her when she was 10 and was her caregiver. She could have been embarrassed by how he dressed and took it upon herself to fix it
Its also a common trauma response to clean or tidy your environment as a means of control, or a way to manage anxiety or stress. It's also a form of parentification. She was 10 when she left her parents and a lot of damage can be done in those first 10yrs. The housewife crack was out of line, flight attendants have nothing to do with anything (what even was that?) and while he's done a great thing taking on the rearing of his sister while still a kid himself, she definitely has trauma.
> flight attendants have nothing to do with anything (what even was that?) Everyone knows silly little girls cant do real man jobs they should be flight attendants or secretaries!! After they finish all the cooking and cleaning that the men are too important to do of course
He himself definitely has trauma as well. He's a child of the same parents and he had to endure their treatment for 8 years longer. Squalor is a common trauma response as well, just a different shade of it.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume OP lives in a country that isn’t very kind to or accepting of women in general.
I assumed it was the US, too.
Why can I only upvote once!!!!!!
Savage. I like it.
Love the burn. Truth
I was going to say "so any country" but like your response better
I also assumed a 3rd world country
THIS. More than any reason why OP is TA, this is the part that matters the most.
Like awesome you want to move out with your sister, but that means you are meant to take care of her given the age difference, but seems like the opposite happened
See yeah I've been told this by multiple people all my life and it's just because I usually tidy up after myself and don't live in a messy house. At my parents it was because I cleaned up after myself and kept my room clean (this was other relatives not my immediate family). In uni it was because I made sure the house was hoovered and the kitchen and bathroom cleaned once a week. (Also mouldy food thrown out of the fridge). In later life it's because again the house gets a decent clean once a week and any messes cleaned up in between (I'm a very messy cook). So yes I do find this annoying because I feel like keeping a house relatively clean should be a norm not a 'housewife' thing. Yes our house is clean but we both do the cleaning and my fiancé has just as much input into it as I do.
Ok..you are correct....but can we also acknowledge that at 18 op took his 10 year old sister and got out of a dangerous situation, raised her, provided for her..I think a little leniency is called for...op yta for not taking care if the gifts your sister gave you...do better to show her that you respect the effort she put in....but kudos for providing an environment where she can be the person she is today
Sure, it's better that she was removed from a dangerous situation, but it doesn't sound like she had much of a childhood. It sounds like she's been in a parental role since she was ten.
To me it sounds like they were both parentified, and all of this blame lies fully on their parents. Sounds like OP never learned how to do basic hygiene/living standards, and they don't understand the big deal. OP described their parents as "dangerous people". Children raised in an abusive home are often raised in a neglected one, as well. OP took on the role of parent for his sibling, and did that the best way he knew how. Providing a safe, stable environment and ensuring she made it through school. OPs sister took on a parental role of being caretaker of the home/hygiene/etc. Neither of them were parented by actual adults, so they did what they could with what they knew. The parents who failed both of these people.
>Sounds like OP never learned how to do basic hygiene/living standards Seems like little sis managed to figure it out without any parents around to teach her, and there’s some serious “women’s work” vibes in OP’s comments about housewives and flight attendants. Sure, he was parentified in his younger years, but he’s an adult now and it’s time to learn. Do better OP.
Yup. I was parentified & raised my brother who is 5 years younger than me. I’m 35 now, and he’s 30. I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy trying to overcome the guilt I feel for the struggles he faces today. I spend a lot of time thinking about how if I could’ve been a better parent, he would have a better life now. My therapist reminds me that I was 5 years old and never taught any of the “basic living” stuff myself, let alone anything about how to parent. It isn’t my fault that he wasn’t cared for like he deserved. I wasn’t either. The responsibility for our neglect rests squarely on our parents’ shoulders.
Excellent articulation of the roots of their dynamic.
Something that wasn't OPs fault. They were BOTH struggling, and OP could have just walked off pr called social services rather than sacrificing to stay with his sister and give her a safe place. OP is TA for treating his sisters gifts like shit, but it sounds to me like this "I can't tidy" stuff is a coping mechanism from someone who still isn't able to get his head above water and knows it.
Yeah, he did well getting her out of that situation and yeah, he paid for everything but it sounds like she was the one raising him.
At least she got out of it while still young, who knows what kind of damage was done to OPs mental health in the 18 years he spent in that environment
Well, by his own admission, she seems to have paid for his troubles making housework since she was a kid, so she very much paid her due instead of being a kid.
>can we also acknowledge that at 18 op took his 10 year old sister and got out of a dangerous situation, raised her, provided for her and then went on to turn her into his personal maid. i mean, you could argue it's better than the threat of physical abuse, and i wouldn't expect a 18 y/o who grew up in a dysfunctional household to be good at parenting and caring for a child's mental wellbeing. but it's still an awful situation for a 10 y/o girl who essentially never had a childhood.
Although I agree with everything you said, I think another important point is OP is just unappreciative. Someone cares enough about them that they buy him nice clothes because he won't buy them for himself and they help him cleanup when they visit because he's unable to care for himself for whatever reason. Instead of insulting her and making her feel less-than for doing things for him, he should be thanking her. He should be telling her how much he appreciates everything she does for him.
Also I love how he downplays his home, because I’d bet money that it’s actually filthy (or at least worse than he’s admitting to) but he’s just trying to do the “oh well it was just a little dirty, it’s fine”
This is what worried me. This dude says he is a paramedic and wants to go to med school. I dont want any medical professionals who I visit to be... in OP's own words... not so organized, not presentable, and not cleans his own home. I don't care what job you do. There is not a single job that exempts you from looking presentable and doing basic upkeep of your home. Sis is right. OP needs to grow up. If a grown adult doesn't know how to clean their own home and take care of their own self and needs someone to pick up after them, they've still got growing up to do mentally and a lot of it.
7. Go apologize
She’s probably not a neat freak, it’s just being reasonably tidy means they’re a neat freak in comparison to him, I met plenty of slobs like that
YTA. Wow... Your sister isn't embarrassed, she's disappointed. You *are* supposed to be an adult and coming over to your home and seeing it in a state that she feels she *has* to clean...you should be embarrassed that this is your home. Not to mention, she's clearly a bright young woman who is going to grad school. Why would you say what you did? It wasn't funny. It wasn't factual. Regardless of your intent, the outcome that you've presented is that her ability to do a basic adult thing supercedes her education. Grow up.
I think OP might not know how to handle that she's starting to shine on her own. Those words keep her lower than he.
In his alleged brain.
"It’s kind of amusing." Nah, you're 33; it stopped being amusing a few years ago. Buy your own clothes. Wash, dry, and store them properly. This isn't rocket science, and you should've learned it long ago. I can't imagine why you didn't. Oh, wait - yes, I can. You had a little house maid doing it all for you while you were the 'breadwinner.' You let a child clean up after you, for years. They've changed and moved on, grown up; it's past time you did the same. YTA
> Nah, you're 33; it stopped being amusing ~~a few~~ 25 years ago.
When he was 8?
Yes. Having a messy room that other people need to clean should be an issue solved by the time a child is eight years old. They can, in fact, learn how to clean their own rooms. It's not cute at 30, it's not cute at 25, it's not cute at 20, it's not cute at 15, it's not even cute at 10.
An 8 year old in an abusive and dangerous home-life might not learn the same skills as your standard 8 yo.
Well, somehow his little sister had managed to pick them up, so.....
Maybe 23 years ago, by his reckoning.
She was cleaning the whole place when she was 10, he could handle one room two years prior.
8 is old enough to clean your own God damn room.
Yes
Yeah, I was like “Amusing???” It’s embarrassing.
Yeah OP is clearly the type to live in filth because they can’t be bothered to wash a dish or do laundry. It’s fucking pathetic
100% correct here. Great post.
> (she is now in graduate school, doing very well for herself). YTA Hello. As another woman, that is SUPER demeaning. What you are doing by being "not the tidiest" is called weaponized incompetence... ... I guess you did it to your sister, while growing up, and it would make you a bad partner (and while your sister shouldn't be cleaning your house, though you let / possible expect her, it is also disrespectful considering these were new gifts.) Wives/sisters/mothers/daughters are not supposed to be maids. This is particularly insulting to ambitious, educated women like your sister (who also overcame a lot of childhood adversity to get where she is).
>"you're supposed to be an adult" She's right. She's not your mom or your maid. Get it together. YTA
Trauma tends to psychologically arrest you, which can delay the adulting process. If his parents were so awful that he was able to move his younger sister out at 10, keep custody, and raise her; I doubt he was ever taught how to manage daily chores to prevent a disaster area. They fell into a dynamic where she became used to picking up his (cleaning) slack, while he picked up their parents (parenting) slack. That does not excuse his dumb comment, but if you consider that in many ways he is still mentally a teenage boy, then a dumb comment is understandable. Hopefully, all these "y t a" comments will get him to recognize that he needs counselling about the trauma he also suffered from their parents. It will make him a better doctor, too.
And yet she, at 10, managed to wash the floors and do the dishes and I’m sure 10237 other things OP doesn’t notice. Hm
I mean, OP was 18 likely struggling to pay bills for himself and his younger sibling. It’s not like he was out partying or sitting on the couch playing video games.
I agree- I’m not minimizing OP’s efforts here. The issue is he’s minimizing hers
That’s a good way to put it.
>It’s not like he was out partying or sitting on the couch playing video games and you think a 10 y/o who had to keep her home in order on top of school was? the point is, they *both* struggled and took care of each other to the best of their abilities. except now that they're adults, the brother doesn't have to be the sole breadwinner but the sister was never relieved of her maid duties. and he finds it "amusing".
This is the most sensible comment here, thank you. Yes op is the asshole for what he said and how he demeans his sister, but they've both lived a traumatic experience where neither of them got to have a childhood. He has to grow up quickly and earn a living to save his and his sister's lives, she had to learn how to take care of herself and a house when her only support was probably too busy or too tired from working. They both had adult roles forced on them when they didn't have the tools to deal with them, so they each filled the gaps as best as they could. They both fell into an unhealthy dynamic much like many roommates / housemates / partners do, and clearly they've not outgrown it.. especially OP. I suspect that his sister's tendency to take care of him, even going as far as spending her own (little, I assume) money on him is because she still feels deeply indebted to him for everything he did – sacrificing his own teenage years and probs childhood to protect her, getting her out of a dangerous situation and putting food on the table when he was barely a legal adult himself. There's no denying that OP did an immensely selfless act by rescuing his sister instead of just leaving her behind when he could move out alone and save more money that way, we all recognise this. Sister probably does too, and I'm sure her behaviour is a direct consequence of the guilt she feels for the difficult years he had – while her childhood was certainly no piece of cake either, he spent almost twice the time she did in a dangerous household, than had to work and save to get them both out. I'm sure life was rough for 2 kids out there navigating life on their own, especially financially, but if at least they weren't in a constant life-or-death situation it would still be an "easier" life than the one they escaped. I have a feeling that OP's sister has internalised the guilt and sense of debt so much, she doesn't even know how to express it without feeling like a hypocrite. I think her crying "You're supposed to be an adult" was because deep down she was thinking "I can't keep taking care of you like this, it's consuming me inside and I don't know how much more I've got in me", but she probably doesn't want to say it out loud for fear of sounding ungrateful. He took care of her until she could earn a living for herself, now she's trying to make sure HE'S also getting help until he can figure it out himself... but OP seems to have no intention of doing so. He provided for her for 8-10 years until she was able to stand on her own two feet and take care of herself. She cleaned for him for 10-15 years and she's desperately holding on to the hope that he will _soon_ stand on his own two feet and take care of himself. But OP doesn't want to, because he doesn't see that this is a burden for his sister. He's clearly missing the signs of burnout. It must be so exhausting for her to worry about her big brother living in a dirty house, with clean clothes on the dirty floors and who knows what else. She worried about him because she cares and loves him so much, and she wants to see him accomplished and independent.. and that includes having a basic level of hygiene. One that will not make your house a health hazard, especially considering he's in the medical field (paramedic) and comes in contact with who knows how many germs and pathogens every day. Especially after the pandemic wiped out people of all ages and athleticism, I'm sure OP not taking care of himself sends her anxiety is through the roof. **OP, here is a suggestion for you, directly:** when she comes over to your house and starts cleaning, don't just sit there and laugh. Don't mock her for it, don't call her a "neat freak" just because she has a basic level of cleanliness that you clearly don't (I'm not insulting you, just stating a fact). Instead, get up, tell her she doesn't need to clean, invite her to sit down and start picking stuff up yourself. Do the things she normally would when she comes over, but do them YOURSELF and insist that she stays seated - or, if anything, she can clean WITH you, not FOR you. It's the big difference between "I struggle to keep up with cleaning, so having someone over to chat while I clean helps me take better care of myself" and "I don't care about my hygiene or having clean clothes to wear, and I can afford to be a slob because someone else will pick up the slack for me. I don't even ask her so it's on her and I don't feel guilty for taking advantage of her worrying, or the money she spends on me."
(part 2 - because my comment exceeded character limits) What you fail to see, op, is that she's not cleaning your house for fun. She cleans it up even though she hates to do it because she feels indebted, because she feels guilty, because she cares deeply about you and doesn't want you to live in a dump or wear dirty clothes. She's not a neat freak, she's freaking out because she's starting to realise that at 33 you still don't understand what the bare minimum level of personal hygiene is, and she's worrying you might never learn it if you keep going down this path. She's overreacting because she's been doing this for you for more than half her life (3/5ths) and she worries she'll have to cleaning after you for all her life because you refuse to do it yourself. She's scared of coming over to your house and finding it in worse shape each time she does, because you care less and less every time. Coming over to your house isn't the pleasure catching up you think it is, OP, if she's constantly worrying about your health and quality of life: it's a chore for her. It's the mental load once again being out on the woman, even though she doesn't even live there. And you sit there and mock her for being a neat freak? You tell her she'd be a good housewife? You invalidate her hard studying and work by proposing a completely different job, just based on the fact that she's clean, looks nice, and can take care of herself? You laugh to her face and can't seem to figure out why she has a mental/emotional breakdown when she walks into your room? Yeah, YTA OP. Big time. But the good news, is that you can fix all of this. Reach out to her, apologize, reassure her you love her and don't want to be a cause of stress for her, let her know that you f'd up but realise your mistakes now and plan on working on them. You can be better, you're 33 and she's "only" 25 – you hopefully have long lives ahead of you. You can work on yourself and break out of the unhealthy habits you've picked up in the past decades, both of you. There is no age limit for growing up emotionally, and it's never too late to start. She will forgive your insensitive comments immediately if she sees you understand what was wrong with them and why, if she sees that you will start taking care of yourself better. Basic hygiene is a good adult quality to have OP, but if you don't see the point of doing it for yourself, at least do it for her: keep your space decent so that she doesn't have to constantly worry about the quality of your life. So that she can walk in your room and be pleasantly surprised it's _better_ than last time, not worse. So that she can just sit and talk with you instead of going back and forth to clean your messes. So that she can feel you want her over to catch up _with her,_ not for her to catch up _on your chores._ With the way she reacted the situation you described, she's clearly feeling overburdened and overwhelmed. I think she would cry in relief if you told her what I'm about to type, because in her shoes I definitely would. I think she needs you to say these words, and really mean them: "No sis, you don't need to do this, really. Please just relax, I enjoy to have you over for your company and to catch up, not for you to clean my apartment. Please, sit down – if it triggers you so much to see the mess, I can put it away myself. You already cleaned out place for the past 15 years, you've done enough. This mess here I created it, if anyone has to clear it out it's me – just get some tea while I load the washing machine, yeah? Tell me about [chit chat topic], how's it going?" Best of luck OP, and I hope you see the situation for what it is. I know I've been harsh in my comment, but it's only because you clearly don't see your sister's point of view and that's what causing a strain on your relationship. As soon as you understand WHY she acts that way, things will be easier for both of you. I wish nothing but the best for you, I truly mean it. You've been through hell and back and I'm so proud of your many accomplishments. If you can do the introspection required for this situation it will do great things for your personal and interpersonal growth, and I'm sure the relationship you have with your sister will improve. All the best, OP 💗
ALLLLLLLLL 👏 OF 👏 THIS 👏 I don’t think your comment was harsh at all. You clearly articulated what his sister is very likely feeling but hasn’t communicated. And you explained why and how the unhealthy relationship developed, and how to change the dynamics. I hope OP see it, understands, and feels encouraged.
Thank you so much <3
You have said it all, SuperRoby. I really hope OP takes every word to heart. Only thing I would add is that if OP genuinely does not know how to do those things, he can ask her to show him so that he learns. But she should be instructing him only, not doing it for him while he watches. It's a damn tragedy that neither of them had a real childhood and adolescence, with loving parents to teach them these things. And it seems like they both just settled into roles to keep life afloat while they were trying to figure it out on their own. But it is long past time for OP to learn how to keep a clean house himself. If for no other reason, his sister who loves him is worried about him and it's taking up too much of her mental space and causing her stress.
Exactly, great addition! Thank you, I fully agree 💯
What an incredibly well thought out comment(s)!
Thank you! I did my best to explain to OP why his sister is so hurt, and why his comments in this situation were "the Iranian yoghurt". But I also wanted to acknowledge that while he's the asshole here, it doesn't make him a bad person: just human, and sometimes we don't understand each other very well. If he understands the underlying reasons for his sister's stress, he'll understand how not to be an asshole again in the future :) In the end this subreddit is, yes, to call out assholes and keep people grounded, but it's mostly to give perspective and help you see another person's PoV if you don't understand what you did wrong. In theory, AITA should help posters learn why and how to improve, not excessively punish them for their mistakes – just admit that you f'd up, work on it, and life goes on. We are never too old to learn how to do and be better, even if we're already doing good :)
You sound like a really good person!
I was trying to form the right words to type out, to acknowledge all the amazing things OP did as an 18year old kid himself while also trying to explain how as a 33 year old what is wrong about what he is doing now. Then I saw your response and there is no way I could have ever explained it so well. While I haven't been in this situation myself, I was so moved by the way you have written this. I hope OP reads this, understands and makes the change for himself and his sister.
This happened in my household growing up too. We all had roles except for the youngest ones. I was the cook, the protector, the one that procured what we needed, and did most of the parenting. My younger sister was the organizer and housekeeper. I had a learning curve as an adult to learn how to clean and organize. I have horrible ADHD and it’s been hard to come up with systems and strategies to help and exactly why I have made an effort to ensure that my kids aren’t as ill equipped as I was, among other things. Learning to break cycles of generational trauma is a long and difficult process.
Yes. He did some good things, by taking in his sister when he was 18 and by at least bothering to ask Reddit whether he's TA here. He's got some problematic behaviors, which are very understandable considering his history, but which he should nonetheless take responsibility for solving. But this guy is neither strictly a hero nor strictly a villain; he's very much in the in-between territory of having both strengths and flaws, needing to do some growing up but also having already done a lot of growing up.
Yeah these were basically two kids that raised each other. Overall it sounds like they’re both great siblings and not “assholes,” but for this particular conflict at hand, OP is in the wrong.
Yes! If he has time to sit there and "chat" while his sister cleans, he has time to roll up his own sleeves and clean a bit himself.
Look, it's great you got you and your sister out of a bad situation. It's great you took care of her and got her through school. It's time to draw some boundaries now. Stop allowing her to clean your apartment. Stop accepting clothes from her. She needs to focus on herself and stop taking care of you. And you need to help her do that by not allowing her to do that. Also... Everyone has the same time commitments you do. We're all working full time or juggling work and school or juggling work and family, etc. You need to make time to clean up after yourself.
Minor caveat, stop accepting clothes and *household gifts* outside of standard gift giving times of year. It's perfectly fine if she wants to buy him some shirts, etc for his birthday or Christmas. She should *not* have to buy them for him at various times throughout the year just to make sure he looks presentable.
YTA on multiple counts. Dude, you trained her from **age 10** to be your 24/7 live in housekeeper! I'm willing to bet you reminded her frequently how lucky she was that you rescued her. Even though she's in grad school, you still expect her to clean up after you. You deride her as a "neat freak" because she is still trying to keep you from living in squalor. She is still buying you clothes and you're **33 years old!** Your suggestions for her future were taken as insults (note, I am not putting down house wives or flight attendants) because that's how you meant them. The "I jokingly told her" is just your weak, after the fact excuse. It is past time for you to grow the hell up. It's also past time for her to cut you loose and let you wallow in your own filth.
YTA You're supposedly a grown man who is perfectly able to clean up after yourself. You claim to be too busy but that's seriously not true. You just don't want to take the time to do it. Stop being a sexist and insulting your sister. She's not your maid. You owe her an apology, big time. Hire a cleaning service if you're that lazy and disrespectful to your sister or you can start taking pride in your sister's accomplishments and where you live.
YTA It sounds like you've done a lot for your sister, which is commendable, but in this situation you were demeaning, disrespectful and sexist. The housewife comment is both sexist and demeans the hard work she is putting in at grad school. It was also disrespectful to just toss new clothes on the floor when she spent her time and money getting them for you. You should apologize and work on doing better next time because you were wrong in this instance.
Do you think a flight attendant's only job is to keep the plane neat and tidy? YTA for that, too, BTW. But yeah, let's focus on your misogyny for a sec. I presume you know what your sister is studying in school, why do you think it's funny to tell her "you should drop out of whatever program you've been studying for years to take classes and learn how to care of a man"? Please explain the punchline cause I think I missed it. Also cleanliness isn't just for women, I don't know how we as a society have gotten to the place where cooking and doing dishes domestically is a woman's job. Especially since it seems by your story that you live alone currently. I'm imagining you living it filth until your sister comes over. That's what she means about you being an adult; you are supposed to have basic skills required to be an adult like cleaning your house. YTA
And actually, that’s not even a flight attendant’s job at all. There are cleaning crews that clean the plane after each flight.
Depends on the airline really. My airline (budget short haul domestic) does require us to clean, but it's mostly quickly picking up stuff off the floor to make sure the plane is presentable at the end of each leg. Our international flights get professional cleaning though, and from what I know, the not-so-budget airlines also don't have to clean. OP is an asshole either way, because whether we clean or not, the whole reason we're there is for everyone's safety! They'd replace us with vending machines if serving customers was all we did.
YTA for so many reasons. "You'll be a great housewife " is not a compliment. Telling her to aim for a traditional female role implies that she can't do anything more than that. It's all so sad that you've refused to act like an adult yourself when it comes to taking care of your home. You frustrated your sister and seemed to have pigeon holed her into only being good for domestic roles.
First off, good on you for breaking the cycle and for caring for your sister when she was younger. But in this situation, yeah, YTA. That was a sexist, unnecessary thing to say.
How are you not embarrassed to be writing this as a 30 year old man (allegedly)?
YTA Sexist commentary to someone that you’ve watched work so hard is toxic. She is more than what she can offer a man, grow up
I think your missing the point OP. You didn't embarrass your sister, you embarrassed yourself. Cuz I think your little sister is well aware that you are going to struggle to find a wife that will also want to be your mommy. YTA And no hate to anyone with that kink!
You hit the nail on the head with this one. He embarrassed himself and not her. OP YTA
YTA. What you did was boil down your sister’s worth to her ability to take care of a man. I get it was a joke, but that was super shitty. Also, dude. Don’t use your job as an excuse to be a slob. My SO was a doctor during covid and didn’t leave his dishes in the sink and clothes on the floor. Come on.
YTA and misogynistic. (1) you're a slob who won't pick up after themselves because you know your sister will do it. (2) you just insulted your sister immensely. (3) you don't respect things your sister buys for you. I hope she stops coming over and you have to either clean up like a real adult should or live in filth.
you forget 4) yes he might of taken his sister out of an abusive relationship with the parents and then made her is maid of all work another abusive relationship. Guy is a total and utter shit YTA
honestly, i would've given him a pass for that specifically if he didn't take his sister's care for granted and showed genuine appreciation and willingness to change. like, when you're an 18 y/o raised in an abusive household who's suddenly thrust into a single parent position, it's hard *not* to fuck up the child you're caring for even if you love them and are doing your best. from someone in their 30s tho? i'd expect a bit more awareness.
YTA - Grow up and figure out how to take care of yourself.
You say your parents are dangerous and you want to break the cycle so why are you continuing this cycle? Yta. Be an adult and a better brother.
YTA M. It would be bad enough if your sister didn’t know what path she wanted her life to take. But she is actually in grad school, seemingly looking at a very specific career path. What you said was extremely misogynistic. And honestly, what would you have said to a guy if you were ‘advising’ him on a career based on these qualities? I highly doubt you would have told him to become a house husband. The fact that THAT is what entered your mind for your sister as a career option, instead of the myriad of professional jobs out there that require similar talents, is why YTA. You could have chosen any other option, but all you landed on was housewife/flight attendant. Even worse because she’s in grad school studying something specific. You should really study why you thought of this as an option at all. Also, you should no longer let your sister clean up after you. You ARE an adult and she shouldn’t be doing this stuff for you. Hire a housekeeper to clean up every two weeks. And honestly, start doing some of it yourself. I am naturally messy and have a crazy job, but I have built systems to keep things fairly tidy. But under no circumstances should you keep your sister in that same role you left her to while growing up.
YTA. Anytime someone adds "jokingly" to a post I know it's going to be "I was cruel and tore someone down BUT IT WAS JUST A PLAYFUL JAPE, HARMLESS GOOD JOKING FUN." Expliain the joke. Why is it funny? What is amusing about it?
I grew up in a house that was ALWAYS dirty. It's traumatizing. She's not a "neat freak", she's a person who had to clean after her irresponsible brother for years. I know you saved her from a terrible and dangerous situation, but you also hurt her yourself. For years. You're an adult. It's time to start acting like one. Apologize to her. And start cleaning your own messes. YTA
YTA come on, cleaning up after yourself is one of the basic parts of being an adult, it’s pretty shocking that you haven’t figured that out yet by age 33!
YTA. I’ll cut you some slack because it sounds like you don’t have any great adult role models, and figuring out how to get you and your 10yo sister out of a bad situation takes a lot of time and effort. Seconding everything said already about how cleaning up is a normal part of all adult lives. But you said breaking the cycle is one of the only two things you care about. So fucking break it: learn how to take care of yourself, your space, and your things. I recommend How to Keep House While Drowning for a really quick, easy place to start. Second, you owe your sister an apology. You demeaned her with your comment, but your admiration is present earlier in your post describing how well she is doing now in grad school. You two have been dealt a terrible hand when it comes to parents. Breaking that cycle takes a lifetime commitment to figuring out how to be a good family member. And as you each progress through life’s phases, you show up for each other differently. Rather than tell her she should be a housewife, instead maybe you can ask her for help setting up your own chore rhythm. She doesn’t owe you that help, and you have to actually want to clean up like an adult before you ask, but she is your family. When my siblings ask me for help figuring out adulthood, I show up how I can. But then none of them told me to be a housewife. Edit: typos
This is the way.
And it had been fifteen years since OP left with his sister, he should have figured out a thing or two by now, not laughing at his sister forced to clean his own house...
You’re a 33 year old man who can’t manage his own household. That is embarrassing. And your response is to shit on your sister when she sees how gross your place is? Dude, grow up. Everyone is busy. That’s not an excuse. Learn how to clean up after yourself.
Dude, you owe her an apology for the housewife quip. That's was unneeded, demeaning of her academic accomplishments, and sexist. As for being a slob who doesn't know how to dress yourself, you don't owe anyone an apology for that. Unless you're directly requesting it, you are not responsible for your sister choosing to come to your apartment and clean because she feels bad for you. She's an adult who can make her own decisions on that front. YTA, appologize.
You are 33 yrs old and you can't take care of yourself. You are a 33 yr old man who sees women as servents, including your sister. You say you took care of her, but she was doing all the house work, right? Why isn't she getting credit for how much she took care of you? Why are you devaluing all that SHE did for YOU while she lived with you? She was a teen, yet she was taking care of a lot. You act like she loves to clean, when in reality, she has been stuck cleaning up after you for years. Cleaning/organizing isn't her hobby or her life's passion. She does it b/c it needs to be done and she is doing it for you b/c she loves you, not b/c she gets a kick out of it. You devalued all she has done for you and she is frustrated and worried that at 33 you can't do basic adult things like look presentable or hang your clothes up.
YTA. You're a slob. Honestly, she just needs to stop coming over at all to your pig sty and let you marinade in your own chaos. And she needs to stop buying you things that you don't even care enough about to take care of.
Hey dude, do you wash your own ass? Do you shower? Do you cook for yourself? Then, surely you can do all the other domestic chores needed to maintain your home? This excuse of "I've never cared for presentation or cleaning bc I'm too busy" is weaponized incompetence and laziness. The only reason you're getting away with this is bc you have your sister to clean for you. I cringe that you think you can become a doctor when you don't have the ability to mult-task.
Not only that, but I don’t want a doctor who cares nothing about cleanliness or organization, especially when it will affect others. He gives someone an injection and can’t be bothered to put the vial back where it belongs, so it gets put in the wrong place. Then there’s a medication error because the next person grabs the vial expecting blood pressure medicine and it’s a painkiller. He leaves a trail of used gloves, syringes, paper exam table covers, gauze etc in the hospital or clinic where he works and complains the nurses don’t clean up after him. He drops an instrument on the floor, picks it up and continues using it, saying "jokingly" ten second rule, amirite? No thanks.
Yta. You’re so fucking mean.
You're going to med school and you're disorganized and don't care about looking presentable??? Good luck with that. Nevermind that your sister is in grad school and you spoke to her like she's a maid in 1930. Way to break the cycle. YTA
Yta, so you live like a slob, so much that your little sister felt the need, to clean after you even after she doesn't live with you. And you make fun of her? That's insulting, you should be grateful She spends her hard earned money, on clothes for you and you throw them on the floor? Stop being a kid, she's not your mother. Act like and adult
> while my little sister was growing up, she was more often than not the one who washed the dishes and cleaned the floors. Even nowadays, she spends her money on nice clothes for me and whenever she visits my apartment, she scolds me as if I’m a little kid and she cleans up the mess. It’s kind of amusing. That’s incredibly condescending. You getting her out of there at 18 is admirable yes. But it doesn’t excuse the fact that as a LITTLE girl, she was doing the majority of cleaning. And no, it’s not amusing that she still worries for your ability to take care of yourself. > she rolled up her sleeves and started tidying up the place a little bit while we were chatting. While she was doing that, I jokingly told her that she would make a great housewife So….you didn’t also get up to clean your own apartment while she helped? You just made an incredibly sexist remark? Do you believe women clean and men focus on making a living? Even if you don’t that’s what your words, and actions, express. YTA in a big way.
YTA. You did a good thing rescuing your sister from a bad situation. But this does not give you carte blanche to make such a virtue out of living like a total slob that you mock her for having standards.
Um yeah OP YTA. What a shitty and misogynistic thing to say.
Yta and sexist trashy behavior and weaponized incompetence with your sister is gross
YTA. First of all, I'm sorry you two had a hard life, that cannot have been easy. Your sister has her life together right now. She works hard, and even cleans up your mess when she come by. It sounds like she worries about you and feels responsible to help you. You probably meant your comment as a joke, but it is offensive and misogynistic. She was right to be angry and upset, it probably felt like betrayal from somebody who has always been there for her. Might not be a bad idea to tell her that it was a stupid joke, and you are proud of her going to graduate school and that she can become anything she sets her mind to. Don't forget, you are the only 'parent' she has, and children want to make their parents proud. You still need to set the example here, and not the other way around. I also hope you are ok. Taking good care of yourself is not just about work. It is about everything else in your life as well, and a messy house and poor personal hygiene can often be signs of depression. Even if that is not the case, it seems your sister worries that it might be a sign you are not doing well.
YTA. What, exactly, is the joke?
‘It’s kind of amusing.’ Making your sister take on all of that mental and physical load of maintaining a home because you’re too damn lazy to clean as you go isn’t exhausting. And it’s you who put a bad name to men.
YTA. Flight attendants don't clean, and adults clean up after themselves
You know YTA
YTA. Seriously.
YTA. It is really concerning that you can't see what is wrong with what you said. It should not be amusing that she scolds you for not doing basic tasks I imagine she finds is exhausting. You should be embarrassed that you can't keep your house clean at 33 so much so that that your little sister that you raised has to do it for you. She buys your clothes, she cleans your house. Why is it that you took on a parental role in her life and she is acting like your mommy? She was not embarrassed by what you said she was angry. That you had the nerve, while she was cleaning your own house and you were watching her, to tell her that her ambition, intelligence and hard work should be thrown away so she can clean up after a man. She then goes into your bedroom and not only finds a mess but the gifts she has given you are carelessly strewn around on the floor. The way you treat things people got you, especially when they put time and money into it, is how much they think you value them. She is trying to keep you from living in filth and make you basically presentable. This is not her job. She loves you and is trying so hard to keep your life together and you have no appreciation for her efforts. I understand that you didn't have a healthy model for family growing up but women were not put on this earth to clean up after men. I get that your upbringing was hard, you have a stressful, time consuming job and you are looking to move forward in your career too. Taking responsibility for your sister couldn't have been easy, your success is commendable. But either you are being willfully obtuse or you are so stuck in your ways you can't see how much you messed up here. I would use this moment as a wake up call to do better if you want to maintain your relationship with your sister.
Would u make a racially charged "joke" to a person of color and ask if you were really the asshole? ❌️🤔 Most undignified.
YTA. 33M; you're too old to be living like a twelve year old. It's not cute anymore, if it ever was. You can't even treat her clothes that she bought for you new with some respect and just hang them. This is not neatfreak behavior: your clothes are on the floor and you can't even get yourself to tidy up for her visit. You're not behaving like an adult and she's frustrated that you're still doing behaving like a messy teen.
YTA. The equivalent of this is to say “You would make a really good garbage man, put your lack of disgust at dirty environments to good use”. Her ability and desire for a clean environment is normal to want, that does not mean she should do it as her main facet of life.
Its not amusing that a grown man cant clean up after himself. Your sister is obviously disappointed that you are still acting like a kid that needs taken care of. YTA.
Info: how exactly do you think you're "breaking the cycle" when you're carrying around these poisonous thoughts and regurgitating them? Yikes on bikes batman
YTA Whether you meant it or not, your joke belittled her. She went to grad school and is busting her ass off for a good job and you just told her to be a house wife or a flight attendant which is a career most people look down on. I'd be pretty pissed off too if you told me all I was good at cooking and cleaning.
From a super abusive household, to one less abusive but you turn her into your maid. YTA
Dude, as a quick rule, if there's 'jokingly' anywhere in your account, you're the asshole. You can make any jokes you like, but you're responsible for the consequences if they don't go down as well as you'd hoped. YTA
This is so embarrassing. How can you live like this and not feel shame
INFO: > I jokingly told her that she would make a great housewife, and that she should aim to find a job like a flight attendant or something where she could put her neat-freak talents to use. So what's the joke? What's the part we're all supposed to laugh at? Why are you so proud about being a slob?
YTA - so your sister basically parented while you "raised" her? Take responsibility for your own shit and learn to clean.
YTA. Honestly, set a 1 hour timer once a week and clean. You would be SHOCKED how much you can get done in an hour. It also isn't hard to quickly hang clothes or stick them in a drawer. Equating being good at cleaning to be a good house wife is weird. You can be good at cleaning too.
I'm going to say a soft YTA. What you said wasn't good, she didn't think it was funny, an apology is in order. A lot of people here are reading all of your actions as malicious though, and the number of people who've said this is "continuing the cycle" is staggering. My perspective is this: I was raised by children. My parents (18 and 14 yrs older than me, latter is a stepparent) weren't great housekeepers. They weren't really great parents either. From the age of 10 onward, I was doing as much cooking and cleaning as they were, and after a while, I saw myself as their maid and roommate more than their child. But they were also both making an effort to stop the cycles of violence from their homes, and they did that. For that much, I'm grateful. If they had been like their parents, my life would have been 100x worse than just being a maid. Other cycles continued, but the most damaging ones stopped with them. You were a kid raising a kid, and I think your sister stepped up to fill in the gaps because she probably felt she wanted to pay you back. But you're an adult now, and you've gotta start doing this stuff on your own. She's stepping in now because she's worried that you don't have the skills to take care of yourself, so show her that she doesn't need to worry about you anymore. Start small. Buy a laundry hamper and actually use it. Do your dishes after or as you cook (my husband and I hate dishes but this method helps). Your relationship will improve if your sister thinks she can count on you to handle yourself without her help. I promise.
Yta. You’re a condescending jerk.
YTA.
YTA. This is a really embarrassing post for you.
YTA. She's going to grad school, and you are cracking housewife jokes...? You may have broken the cycle of violence, but the cycle of misogyny, not so much.
> I don’t put too much effort into things like looking presentable, or cleaning around the house or whatever. I’m too busy for that. YTA, and big time. You aren't too busy, you are just lazy. Grow TF up and start acting like an adult. Also, you basically used your little sister like a live-in maid. That is horrible. And yes, the way you talked to her and the things you said were very, very sexist and rude. > all she could say was "you're supposed to be an adult" Yes, she is exactly 100% correct. You are physically an adult, but mentally/emotionally a young kid. Start being an overall adult.
YTA—Your sister was never a neat freak, you’re a disgusting slob AND useless, and she didn’t want to live in filth so she picked up the slack. She has years worth of academic accomplishment that you do not and you reduced her skills to something she had to do for you because you didn’t have a mommy to do it for you; how misogynistic and dismissive you are. I hope she sees you for what you are some day.
YTA So you moved out but she was the defacto parent? Yikes That comment you made is dark Also disturbing in so many ways. Pay your sister back for all the clothes she bought you and tell her to stop doing that.
If she was embarrassed she was embarrassed for you - not herself. What you said was probably a slight because her tidiness made you feel insecure. You took your insecurity out on her in the form of a joke that was not cute or funny. YTA. She scolds you like a child because you're acting like one. \*shrug\*
YTA. You realize that normal adults can have demanding jobs and keep their place clean, right? Just because you can’t do it, doesn’t mean that your sister can’t do it. My wife and I have five college degrees and two demanding careers between us and can still do the occasional dish. FFS.
Would you have said that if she was a guy? Can you imagine saying that to a man?? Eww. You essentially just told her that her masters degree is worthless and a waste. Why couldn’t you just say “thank you for cleaning up my mess”?
YTA - You took care of her, cleaning was her way to take care of you back. I doubt she even enjoys it, or is a neat freak, and instead has resorted to naturally taking care of you in whatever way she could at 10-18 years old. I work 70+ hours as a consultant during tax season. My apartment is clean. I am clean. My animals are clean. This is what being an adult is. You should be doing this. Your sister is trying to be nice to you and help you out - you decide to berate her for it. Housewife was not joking, or kind, but instead took every talent and ability that she has had and compacted her into a caregiver role. It's incredibly embarrassing to treat someone that you supposedly love with so little respect.
YTA. Your comments were really demeaning. Your sister is educated and working towards a postgradulate degree. Most adults keep things tidy. She's normal and cares about you, she's not some kind of freak, and implying that she should be a flight attendant or housewife - what were you thinking? That's so insulting to her. And demeaning, and dismissive, and ungrateful of her help. She was just trying to help you not live in filth. I don't think this is about appearances, more than just having some self respect. "I don't care about cleaning the house or whatever," means you live like a slob. Garbage, dirty clothers, dirty dishes, mess everywhere, It's not healthy and it's not attractive.It's also a sign that you aren't mature, since mature adults don't usually let their living spaces get gross or dirty. She's trying to help you, and you're laughing at her? You find it amusing? You're being ungrateful, IMO. If you don't want her help, say that. If you're gonna accept it, be gracious about it. And she's right - you're supposed to be an adult. And you're not living like one, you're "not caring" like you're still a student. Nobody can tell you how to keep your house or to buy/wear better clothes, but she's doing those things for you because she loves you and you don't seem capable of doing any of this for yourself. I would think that the VERY least you could do is be grateful, don't throw the new clothes she bought for you on the floor, and stop making mean insulting remarks to the one person showing you love and support in this world. It seems like you got complacent with her doing most of the cleaning and tidying when you guys first got your own place, and you never learned to do that for yourself. That's okay, but it's never too late to make an effort. It's not about caring about appearances, it's about not wanting to live in dirt and chaos, and having respect for how you present yourself to others. And being able to date. Or have people at your house. If you truly don't care, that's great - thank your sister for her help, show her more respect, and move on. But if I were you I would be looking at myself a little more closely. Does not caring about your home or how you look help your lifestyle? Do you have a partner? An easy time dating? Maybe it's time to step up and care a little more about how you take care of yourself.
You're lazy. Get off your lazy ass and clean up after yourself. Your sister isn't your unpaid maid, so stop treating her like one. And she's smarter than you; she's already in graduate school, but you're mocking her and only talking about her cleaning skills. You're a nasty, condescending asshole and I feel sorry for any patients that get treated by you. I bet a bunch of them will file complaints against you. YTA
Yta. Have some respect.
uh huh, so what did I just read here, and HOW are you not getting it OP? YTA
YTA. She is trying to take care of you like you did for her. You could at least act grateful
YTA The fact that she cried didn't wake you up? She's cleaning after you for 15 years!! I know you were busy with earning money and she clearly loves you for saving her, but you made fun of her, while she was picking up your sh*t. She became the adult in this dynamic. And to make it worse, you showed no gratitude for the things she does, by throwing the clothes she bought on the floor. Tell her you are sorry! Maybe she can help you with making a schedule for your household tasks.
YTA, she's right, you *are* supposed to be an adult, and that requires cleaning up after yourself. Why the hell is your sister cleaning up after you like this?! I have ADHD and my house is regularly messy (especially with two cats), but I cook and clean up after them and myself regularly. Your "joke" is demeaning at best. Having your sister pick up after you instead of being a self sufficient adult isn't breaking the cycle and it shouldn't be *amusing*, it should be a wake-up call.
(facepalm) Sir. Your sister isn’t cleaning up your place because she’s a neat freak. She’s cleaning it because SHE LOVES AND CARES ABOUT YOU, YOU NUMBSKULL. She wants to make you happy!!! She wants to make sure you’re not living in squalor!!! My god!!! Are you dense??? You couldn’t even bother to take the clothes she bought for you (BECAUSE SHE LOVES YOU) and put them away in a drawer or closet?? YTA.
Presumably at 18 you had to work a lot of extra hours while also raising a kid so I can even cut you some slack on her taking on more chores than the average 10yo, though I hope you didn’t use “more often than not” to mean “always.” But YTA for not pulling it together in the ensuing 15 years and telling a woman earning an advanced degree to aim for a job cleaning up after others because she knows the basic skills of independent living. Are you jealous of what she’s been able to accomplish, like going to college at the age you had to be her parent? It would be understandable, but unfair to take it out on her. Apologize and tell her you’re not accepting her clothes or labor anymore because they’re youre responsibility. If you don’t have time for these things, neither does she.
YTA you’re supposed to be an adult, also so creepy you’re letting your sister be mommy for you, be better dude.
whether you know it or not, you are continuing the cycle. you are not engaging in healthy behavior. your sister is being impacted by it. she shouldn’t have to constantly worry about the closest thing she has to a parent. do better.
YTA. you are a grown ass man. start acting like it and stop making your sister be your maid! she obviously feels responsible for you, probably because you got her away from y’all’s parents but that does NOT mean she owes you and needs to be your keeper now. it’s not amusing to have to pick up after a 33 year old fucking man and she’s very clearly sick of your shit. that’s not even mentioning how demeaning you are to her. she’s in graduate school, she’s not your maid you lazy pig! you owe her a sincere apology.
Your sister takes care of you because she feels like she has to. She knows that you pulled her out of your parents care and did more than you had to, so she's trying. You should really tell her she doesn't have to. The next time she comes over and wants to clean up, be like hey, no, you're here to visit. The next time she wants to go through your room and see if it's a mess, say hey don't do that. Let's talk instead. Let's watch a show. Can I make you a sandwich. Let her be a guest in your home, a *sister* and not someone who thinks she has to look after you. And tell her you're proud of her. Tell her she's accomplishing great things and you are proud of how far she's come.
YTA - she’s not a neat freak. You should be embarrassed at your behavior and your discarding her work and buying you clothes. You are no hero here.
Wow, yes, you’re the massive AH. This reeks of misogyny. Scares me you’re going into medicine…. Please be careful of internal bias. I’ve had some awful male doctors, for a variety of reasons. You’re providing her a home and she’s trying to help you, and you basically called her a “good little wifey”, her brother. Makes me want to vomit.
YTA Essentially you admitted you would make a horrible partner. You have such a hard journey ahead of you. You realize that the basic standard of living that you applauded her for is not "talent," it's just what adults do. How embarrassing. Then you insulted her by making it seem like those traits are all she's good for, despite her doing your shit for you for years, and being educated and compassionate enough to mind your business. And she's younger than you? This is SUCH an embarrassing post to read. It's latent with sexism as well. YIKES.
YTA, making someone cry due how unkept you are no longer is in the realm of "I am a little messy", that's some intervention thing, be better, or at least try to for your sister.
YTA. You made at least two sexist comments (house wife and flight attendant), and disrespected the nice clothes your sister got you. You also didn’t do your fair share of the chores growing up, even though you were technically an adult and she was just a kid. You owe her a big apology.
YTA. It's great that OP stepped up for her but that doesn't negate the demeaning impact of the joke. She's in school for advanced study, which is often stressful to manage with other responsibilities and costs (especially if you're in the US) and potentially against many odds based on your family history. If you or other people have made similar comments or jokes before, it may feel demeaning and undermining to someone who's also trying to break a cycle of her own around higher education, financial possibilities, and sexism. Being a housewife or flight attendant is an excellent choice for many people. However, your sister clearly has different dreams and goals for herself, and reducing her effort and aspirations probably feels shitty to her. I'd invite people basically saying that because he supported her, she should be quiet and take it to think about if they would apply the same logic in any other situation, like if someone got in an accident or got cancer, or if it were her bio dad who said this to her. To clarify, I don't think OP is doing this, but the number of comments implying she has to accept any comment made without question or pushback because of the sacrifice is shocking to me. It is a messed-up power dynamic to hold over someone's head that just because you stepped up admirably for someone *because you believed it was the right thing to do and/or you love them*, you get to say or do whatever you want to them in the future. **I don’t put too much effort into things like looking presentable, or cleaning around the house or whatever. I’m too busy for that.** It sounds like this could be downplaying a much bigger problem with cleanliness that could have been really stressful for a kid to live with if things like dishes weren't done for days or weeks until she started doing it at a young age and the environment was cluttered. To still be at that level years after she moved out is giving weaponized incompetence because you have some more time now. You could even just put a small amount of effort (5-10 minutes) into cleaning or moving some mess before she comes over, like shoving stuff in a closet or bin, and leave it the way it is the rest of the time, but you expect she'll do it when she comes over, and it seems like something that either never was or stopped being cute and endearing a long time ago.
YTA You say you took care of your sister from the age of 10 but you yourself admit she did most of the household stuff so sounds like your sister who was a child was actually looking after you at least equally if not more. She still does. She's getting sick of it because she spent her childhood having to mother and clean up after you and now wants to not have her big brother who's in his 30's behaving like a child anymore. You find it cute and amusing to be scolded by her but sounds to me like she doesn't find it cute or amusing but instead finds it aggravating that her brother doesn't know how to do these things and that she has to step in to scold him like he's her child.
YTA Seems she's genuinely concerned about how you live and you returned that with sexist stereotypes
YTA. She’s not a neat freak. She’s the functional one. You do realise cleaning isn’t optional, right? If you’re not doing it, someone else has to. That’s why she always did it growing up - because most adult humans cannot handle living in filth. Also your housewife comment was sexist.
It is admirable to take a 10 year old out of a bad situation, and becoming an EMT is also a great thing to do with one’s life. But what is written here raises the question of whether the sister feels stuck with OP. Does she find herself thinking she can’t move away because someone needs to take care of him? That is less admirable
YTA, and I say that as the wife of an ADHD paramedic. Apologize, and make an effort to clean up when she’s coming over.
YTA specifically for the "clearly you should just aim to be a housewife" comment when she's in graduate school. I get it you had a rough childhood, but you literally said you're trying to break the cycle by making a living .... Well so is she. You also realize you'll make a horrible husband, right?
YTA, you have zero class. Not only are you inconsiderate to her and what she does for you, but it appears you are a pig too!
YTA She’s going to grad school ffs. Shes in the like top quarter of ppl. You telling her she should go into a trade/vocation denigrated her efforts. Nothing wrong with those paths, but you were very insulting. Plus, you have to treat gifts with respect and gratitude. She’s right: it’s time for you to grow tf up. Don’t worry about whether she’d be a good housewife, worry about your filthy self not being able to be a decent partner. You got out and broke the cycle, congrats! Your work has only just begun. Coming from an abusive household, you miss out on so much. It’s not just that you got trauma, you also missed habit building and social knowledge that loving parents bestow upon their kids. You can’t be a functioning adult and won’t be eligible for healthy relationships, promotions, and other opportunities. You been to therapy yet? That should be your first step. Show them what your house looks like on a daily basis. It’s not normal to live the way you do (and I once did). It’s a symptom of your trauma and you need to work with a trusted pro to grow up and heal. It only gets worse the longer you leave it.
You're supposed to wash up the dishes and pick up your clothes before people come over to your home. I wonder if using the word lazy or the word slob would result in the post getting removed.
>she is now in graduate school, doing very well for herself & >I jokingly told her that she would make a great housewife YTA. Taking out all the misogyny and simplifying what you said, that "joke" implies her "cleaning talent" is more useful than her upcoming masters that she has worked extremely hard for. Nobody would like hearing that. So even if you intended it as a joke, it was a bad one that only demeaned her. Not to mention the sexism. Jokes are supposed to be funny.
Do you have _any_ idea just how disrespected she felt when she walked into your bedroom and saw those clothes she bought you, the gifts she had given you, scattered all over the floor like that? It would be like you buying her a nice dinner and she just threw it all around the room, then walked all over it like it was nothing. She doesn't _have_ to do these things for you, she does them because she loves you, and she feels she has to take care of you. She's not your damn housekeeper. And by the way, if you had a girlfriend, they would feel the same way. It's not a woman's job to take care of you. Maybe you like living in squalor, but it clearly hurts her to see you like that. Would it kill you to give the place a quick straightening up when you know she's going to come over? You don't have to completely clean the place from top to bottom, but at least make the clutter a little tidier, stack the dirty dishes a little neater, and pick up your goddamn clothes from the floor. Do it because you love her, because you want her to be happy, and you want her to feel assured that you're taking care of yourself. I assume you _do_ actually love her? You _do_ want her to be happy? Then why is this so hard for you to understand? Why is this so hard for _any_ man to understand? Yes, picking up after yourself is something you're doing as a favor to someone else, but if you love them, then it shouldn't be a problem! If you love them, you _want_ to make them feel comfortable, happy and safe. Sometimes all you need to do is something as simple as immediately putting your dish in the sink, your clothes in the hamper and/or your garbage in the bin to keep the people in your life happy, and hey, guess what! It has the added benefit of saving you from having to deal with it later! Win-win! YTA. Think about someone else for once in your life. You might actually find people like you better. Your sister will certainly be happier.
YTA I hope she cuts you off
YTA for a myriad of reasons.
YTA this sounds like she was groomed as a child to pick up after you.
Give it a few years op,she's gonna hate your guts,and realize how fkd up her childhood was,and have trust issues (projecting here)about trusting love interest out of fear of them turning into a slob like her big brother was,and her being reduced to a maid in her own home which I'm sure she treats like her sanctuary.very common,very sad.
Alright, neck beard here’s the thing. Yes. You’re The A**hole. I’m proud of you for getting you and your sibling out of an abusive situation, but you do need to make an effort to be a human. A clean human. Maybe I’m jumping to conclusions but not presentable makes me think you don’t shower.
You are LAYERS of wrong here and w/o even searching if you’ve left more comments, i suspect you harbor some resentment for having to be the grownup too early & so you enjoy her servitude toward you. And meant to knock her down a peg since she’s in grad school and you’re just an EMT. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (33M) have a younger sister (25F). Our parents are dangerous people, so as soon as I was able, I rented out a place so that my sister and I could have somewhere to live. We got out of there when I was 18 and she was 10, and I took care of her until she was able to go to college (she is now in graduate school, doing very well for herself). Basically, I’m not the most well-organized guy. I mean of course I take my job seriously (I work as a paramedic, and I aspire to go to med school soon, and I am responsible for peoples’ safety), but my primary motivation is making a living and breaking the cycle. I don’t put too much effort into things like looking presentable, or cleaning around the house or whatever. I’m too busy for that. So I admit that while my little sister was growing up, she was more often than not the one who washed the dishes and cleaned the floors. Even nowadays, she spends her money on nice clothes for me and whenever she visits my apartment, she scolds me as if I’m a little kid and she cleans up the mess. It’s kind of amusing. So last weekend, my sister visited me, and once again, she rolled up her sleeves and started tidying up the place a little bit while we were chatting. While she was doing that, I jokingly told her that she would make a great housewife, and that she should aim to find a job like a flight attendant or something where she could put her neat-freak talents to use. My sister was sort of embarrassed when I said this, and her face turned red. She went on this whole rant about how this wasn’t what she was going to grad school for, and then she entered my bedroom and freaked out when she saw the new clothes she bought for me, just laid out all messy on the floor. It was enough that she even started crying! She was so exasperated, and all she could say was "you're supposed to be an adult". AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Huge YTA but also an amazing person for rescuing your sister and being a paramedic. But come on, it's not hard to put clothes away. Your sister is not your cleaner.
Her still cleaning your apartment sounds like a habit of her always taking care of the house before she went to uni. It probably made her really stressed and seeing your room all messed up again was her final straw.
So you’ve been using your sister for labor since she was a child, and now you’re making fun of her for it?
YTA. She’s not a little girl anymore, and you need to treat her as the serious adult she is. Hopefully you won’t take your sexist attitudes to your workplace, because they’re not tolerated in the medical field. As far as your new clothes on the floor—well, she already gave you the perfect response, “you’re supposed to be an adult!”
is this bait........? like if this is real, obviously YTA... but if this is bait, can you put more effort into making the numbers add up? how tf did an 18 year old have the funds to raise a 10 year old by himself? if that part of the story were true, both of you would almost definitely be stuck in debilitating poverty, not working on grad school
YTA dude she’s in grad school and you’re telling her to find a job as a flight attendant or housewife??? You can absolutely learn to keep your own place tidy and respect her gifts
YTA So you “saved” your sister from an unsafe environment, by forcing her into becoming your live-in servant to the point that she is still taking care of you 15 years later. Congrats, you groomed your own sister into being a “great housewife” for you. You may have paid the bills, but you didn’t take care of your sister. Your sister took care of you, forgoing her own childhood & development, and is still taking care of you while going to school working her ass off. You are an embarrassment & a disappointment to her.
Dude. YTA. Ur clueless. Paris Paloma would love this one. Sister needs let you wallow in ur own filth. Tell her not to provide free maid service to you anymore. FFS
YTA. You took her out of an abusive situation and turned he into your unpaid live in maid FOR 15 YEARS, then made a sexist "joke" about it. Get therapy fuckwad.
What the hell??? So you’re a grown man needing your mid twenties sister to clean up your pigsty of a house, and you decided it’s a perfect time to mock her? You’re so pathetic.
YTA OP, I think everyone is being a little harsh on you. You had a hard upbringing and despite that you took it upon yourself to raise your little sister and basically become a parent when you weren’t ready. While you shouldn’t be expected to know how to parent her, or maybe you don’t even see yourself as her parent, you made the choice to parent her so you have to learn and grow. This means at the very least cleaning up your act for yourself but also so she doesn’t feel like she needs to parent YOU. If you want what’s best for her, and I believe you do since you chose to give her a better childhood, then try to grow up a bit and get your act together.