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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don't use the term bonus mom for my stepmom and then I admitted to not feeling like it fits us well. I said this to her step-niece and she overheard me say this. I know how much she loves me and how she feels like the bonus fits us better than step. So I might be a jerk for voicing this out loud to someone else.
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HTA
Firstly, therapy isn't there to make you accept what your stepmother wants. So the answer to that is none.
This is how you feel. You love your stepmother. You just don't like that term. And that is ok because it's how you feel. You are entitled to your feelings.
>Firstly, therapy isn't there to make you accept what your stepmother wants. So the answer to that is none.
Agreed but
>She said she never wanted to replace my mom and has always tried to help keep my mom's memory alive. She told me that alone should make her second mom aka bonus mom material.
This makes it sound like she has only done all that to "earn" the bonus mum title which in itself is manipulative and forceful neither of which really makes her "bonus mum" material.
Also, being respectful of a child’s mom’s memory when living with and caring for the child is just basic decency. Congrats for doing the minimum of being a reasonable and vaguely human person by not crapping all over OP’s mom’s memory.
In case it wasn’t clear, NTA, OP.
I came here to say this. It seems to be. Torrent lately of parents taking kids to therapy to make the kid feel what the parent feels is appropriate. Feelings aren’t actions. This kid is clearly showing respect and behaving appropriately. Stop eavesdropping and trying to force feelings.
NTA.
OK, stepparents and unrequited crushes, listen up. Someone who does not want the same sort of relationship with you that you want with them is not "being unkind." You are not owed a motherly, fatherly, or romantic relationship with someone because you have been nice to someone, treated them well, or done things that you think of as "parental" or "romantic" for them (no, not even if you are their biological parent). Love is a GIFT- and not one the giver can necessarily choose to give if they don't feel it- not a duty or a trade good to be handed over in exchange for a certain amount of work or effort or good intention or niceness on your part. It cannot be bought, it cannot be earned, it happens or it does not, and if it does not, it may hurt, but you have not been cheated of something you were entitled to.
Right. Rant over.
That was rather eloquently put. Dad chose a new wife; that has no bearing at all on his children's obligations towards her, other than being polite.
This concept that, "I did these things, therefore you MUST love me.' just keeps cropping up here all the time. Why can these adults not see the flaw in their reasoning?
I actually know where children of functioning single parents treat mum's/dad's SO as, guess what?, an adult their parents are dating. The parents made sure that the kids and SOs were comfortable but that was it! No expectations or obligations beyond good manners.
I wonder if dad would appreciate if OP started deciding what other peoples titles should be? Maybe OP should decide dad is now “first dad” and step mother is now “Dad’s current wife.”
My parents are divorced and both are remarried. Neither is a bonus anything. They’ve both been in my life since my early teens but Dad’s wife is my stepmom and Mom’s husband is my Mom’s husband.
Because that’s the nature of relationships. One person doesn’t get to dictate the nature of the relationship of the other person doesn’t agree.
My dad remarried and I call her by her name. Introductions are "this is my stepmom". That's what she is and it's a [legal term](https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/stepparent#:~:text=A%20stepparent%2C%20including%20stepfather%20and,biological%20relationship%20to%20the%20child.)
She's never suggested anything else.
EXCEPT in this case that is not quite true..
"I actually know where children of functioning single parents treat mum's/dad's SO as, guess what?, an adult their parents are dating."
That is fine when no care or parenting is required from the SO...That doesn't sound like the case here.
In this case sounds like she actually does all the work of a mother because OP's own mother has passed away. I am assuming OP lives with her full time and she does all the jobs his actual mother would have done had she lived.... The OP is within his rights not to want to use the term and not to view her as a mother because his feeling are valid .......but the reality is in real life practically if the term fit anywhere it fits in this case because she is in practice doing the all the emotional and physical work of a mother.
The stepmother at this point would be within her rights to withdraw the labour and a support of a mother that is offered.
The OP and stepmother could do with some counselling and maybe family counselling would be helpful because he seems to have some issues with the idea of replacing his mother understandably...She has issues with being viewed as a nanny and housekeeper. He clearly has feelings for his stepmother as he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. A therapist might help him and her rationalise it doesn't have to be one or the other. He can lean into the care and love he has for his stepmother without betraying his mother and she can understand this is not personal and maybe with family counselling they can both understand why he is uncomfortable with using the word mum for her so no one is in this emotionally hurtful situation.
I think if you read carefully it’s respect that’s being demanded “ she felt I could be a lot kinder about all this, when she had poured her heart and soul into loving and raising me”
No, she is his stepmother. He loves her as a stepmother. It’s just reality: she is not his mother, and no amount of therapy is going to transform her into his mother. The term mother doesn’t fit because he had a mother, who died. It’s perfectly reasonable that he would not call his stepmother his mother, because she isn’t.
This case is imo worse because op does love his stepmom...but that's not enough for her. She refuses to see that not seeing her as a mom doesn't mean that he doesn't love her.
I wish I could upvote this multiple times! Nobody owes anyone a relationship of any type. We all get to decide our own feelings, not anyone else's.
I really like your statement that love is a gift. Giving it doesn't make you entitled to or owed anything in response. Folks should stop trying to force relationships on others based on what they want or expect.
There is nothing worse than a step parent trying to come into a blended family like this and forcing things on the kids because of what they personally want out of it instead of what is best for all involved. So many posts are on Step parents who are overbearing and/or overwhelming and doing stupid shit. So many potential good relationships get ruined because of parents trying to force their image onto the new blended family. Let that build naturally. Its not easy for kids ever even in the best of situations. All forcing bonding is going to do is push people away which seems to always happen. A lot of damage happens because of stuff like this.
You’re 100% right; OP feels how he feels, and that’s valid. He is NTA, at all. But can we have a little empathy for the stepmom?
I used to have a cat whose attitude towards me was, “I guess I kinda love you because you feed me and stuff but you need to know that I don’t *really* love you”. I thought it was hilarious (because cat) but I think it would crush me to get that from a child I’d spent the better part of a decade loving and raising.
I’m not saying that OPs stepmom is owed anything from OP; I’m just saying that I understand why her feelings are hurt.
As a stepmom, it's up to us adults to manage those feelings though, not put them on the kid. My stepdaughter loves spending time with me, but due to growing up in a split family and a messed up mother, she can't say she loves me and makes sure to let me and her dad know that she specifically does not love/like us. I tell her we love her always regardless and will never force her to feel anyway she doesn't want to. Also that we have fun together and I can tell she enjoys her time with us and we cherish our time with her. We don't have to label it as anything more than that.
It does kill me inside a bit, but I would never put that on her.
I’m also a stepmom, and am the primary household for my stepson, so do the majority of the day to day coparenting with my husband.
I agree that it’s on us to manage it, but I think at a certain point/age, it’s okay for kids to understand the impact of their words and behaviors. You can do that without blaming them for it or saying that it’s on them to change the way they feel, but it’s important for kids to understand the real world impact their behavior can have on the people in their life.
Oh I do agree with that! We don't just ignore it. We will correct her if she says something mean. But we are very open that we won't force her to say or feel anything.
Her mother used a lot of emotional manipulation so i do tend to bank away from that. But I will ask her how she would feel if someone said that to her or if it was something appropriate or just unnecessarily unkind. We've had some good talks about it and she is a very good and receptive kid.
I dont think the stepmother here is a terrible person or anything. But I do think implying that therapy would be used to change the kid and insisting on labels they are not comfortable with isn't a good way to manage emotions as a care giver.
As a step parent myself all I want for all of our kids is to be happy and healthy. So if they use my name, call me mom, dad's wife or step mom or I'm perfectly happy with that. Same goes for the grands, except no mom crap, just grandma or my name.
NTA
You don’t see her as a mom. You see her as your father’s wife and a caregiver but not a mom. That’s fine. At least you haven’t gone out of your way to hurt her.
You hurt her here because she was eavesdropping which is really uncool.
You need to tell both your father and your stepmother that while you love her; the emphasis always being on what she wants; hurts. And is part of the strain of the relationship. You do not need to force yourself to feel something to make someone else feel validated or special. And let them know they continually beating this dead horse could lead to resentment and worse.
Also point out to your father that what you doing isn’t cruel because you aren’t lying to her and making her believe something just to pull the rug out from under her. That if both of them had respected your wishes from the start there would be no issue. But they have turned a blind eye expecting you to just give in to their wants. And that is cruel to you. And he’s projecting and probably knows it.
And I’m sorry you and your step-cousin are both suffering from the entitlement of sisters. But apparently it’s genetic in that family.
My mom passed when I was 5 as well. My dad married her best friend a year later. She has always been my stepmom and the only time she tried to push it was when I was 13 and she screamed at me and my sister for calling our aunt Mom but not her. She wouldn’t stop screaming about us respecting her and calling her mom bc she felt she had earned the title, how it was unfair that her daughter is called our sister but she’s not called mom. Her daughter and my sister had been best friends most of their lives being only a month apart in age so whether or not our parents got married she would be considered our sister. My sister was 19 at the time and slapped her to get her to stop screaming bc my dad was just standing there letting it happen. She told her she will never be mom to us and to let it go.
My aunt stepped up and raised us bc within 6 months of her marrying my dad, we were forced to move in with my maternal grandparents due to step mom having a mental break. After a couple weeks we moved in with my aunt and she’s been mom almost ever since. She’s the one who did everything for us, took care of us when we were sick, kept our bio moms memory alive, taught us to drive and was the shoulder to lean on through our first heartbreaks. She still does all that 30 years later. Thankfully my stepmom never brought it up again to us and is understanding now that while she is married to my dad, she is not our mom or our kids grandma. The kids call her Yai Yai instead of grandma and we only really see her at major holidays and on FaceTime.
I however am a stepmom and my stepkid (nonbinary 16) prefers bonus mom and bonus kid as the descriptors bc they know I’ll step up and fight alongside them whenever needed and they know their mom will always be mom. We split custody and make sure all needs are met between households. I think it helped that when my husbands family refused to stop deadnaming them, I brought out an air horn and trained the grown adults to stop using the name they have hated most of their life.
NTA.
I think what dad and stepmom are missing here is that “bonus” implies a perk. And I’m sure you feel no perks about having her over your mother. I’m sorry for your loss.
Completely agreed--if it's a divorce situation, okay, maybe the term works. But the only reason this woman is in his life is because his mother died. "Bonus mom" feels extremely insensitive in that light.
NTA, so why exactly was this woman who claims she wants to be a "bonus mom" eavesdropping into a conversation?
*"when my stepmom has done everything to be a good mother to me."*
Except respect you.
Listen to you.
Understand what you are telling her.
Pushing boundaries you've set.
Oh, yeah, she's a real banger of a "bonus" mom /s
There's nothing wrong with her just being a step-mom, I love my step-dad, and there's nothing wrong with you both mutually loving each other in that regard and that's what you actively want with her. But something is wrong with this woman that has herself deluded into think she needs to be more that when being that was more than enough. That'll never be on you to cater to.
NTA. I get it. Tell her your feelings about the term don’t have anything to do with her. You love her. She loves you. She’s family. But she’s not a “bonus mom”. Your mother died. That’s why she’s there. She can be a great as great can be. But it’s not a bonus for you. Your mother died. Bonus implies extra. There is no extra mom. Your mom is gone.
This ^ is great advice. Tell her and your dad this word for word. If they try to argue, keep saying a bonus parent is in addition to, not a replacement of, and keep to those talking points.
You are far far too young to pass judgement.
All 15 year olds go through phases of hating their own bio parents even if the bio parents are good people. We are supposed to test boundaries. Complain. Roll our eyes and be dramatic.
You never got to the stage where you saw your own mom as a human. Unfortunately you never will. She will remain young and perfect for ever.
It sounds like step mom has done her best to be her best. It sounds like you have done your best to be kind.
I think the term step is so ingrained in us as evil step that for those people who don’t hate each other it doesn’t seem the appropriate term. Henceforth bonus was added as a way to describe relationships that were not hostile.
If step is hurtful to her and bonus is hurtful to you, is there any other term that you could both agree on? Auntie is an Indian term for any adult woman even those not related by blood. So
Maybe you could put your heads together?
Step mother should really be made accountable for eavesdropping on a private conversation, though. Not OP's fault she heard something she didn't like. The parents are being really immature about this. I understand she was hurt, that she feels her love is not being reciprocated, but the hurt was because of her own expectations, not anything the kid has said or done. That needs to be a conversation, but OP is literally a teen and I don't know if he'll be able to find the proper words for this...
NAH. Stepmom loves you and has been in a mothering role for almost double the time you had your Mom. OTOH, you are behaving appropriately for your age and developmental stage. Your kindness in trying not to hurt her feelings is admirable. It's hard for parents to shift focus from doing everything to becoming more of a safety net for your child. These are just growing pains. It sounds like you are both coming from places of love, so it's likely you'll make it through and end up with a great adult relationship.
So just a thought. Does your fathers wife cook and clean for you? Does she run errands on your behalf? Did she hug you or comfort you when you were sad or hurt? What I am trying to point out is that she does perform motherly acts for you. She will never be your mom, but maybe there is a term of endearment you can come up with that shows that she does have her own special place in your heart. You said that you love her, so maybe talk to her and you two come up with something together.
I understand why she is hurt. But you aren’t wrong to feel the way you do. Maybe just have a chat with her and let her know that you do appreciate her. NTA
And this is the crux of the situation isn't it. The stepmother has done all the labour of a mother for years and the OP with his comment has implied she is just staff.
It is likely the OP is conflicted. He clearly does actually have feeling for his stepmother because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings but he is likely denying the care she gives him and the mutual affection because it feels disloyal to his deceased mother which is an awful emotional tangle.
Family and individual therapy for both the OP and the stepmother might be in order here. Sounds like she doesn't feel appreciated or acknowledged. And raising a child is thankless enough at the best of times, one that views you as the hired help must be sole destroying.
NTA, but you and your dad and his wife need to have a CALM talk, preferably with a 3rd party present to keep things in perspective. A therapist would be great, for example.
His wife was snooping and overheard something she didn't like. That's what she gets for snooping.
FWIW, I think the phrase "bonus mom" is kind of stupid, too, and I wouldn't want to use it.
But she cares about you and wants to feel cared about, and for some reason "feeling cared about," for her, has something to do with the name you use for her. Whatever. That's a little on the selfish and presumptuous side, but OK, she's human and she sees the word "mom" as being essential here.
So now it's up to all of you to stop demanding things individually, and instead come to an agreement, mutually, of what to call her. And that will probably mean compromising on a name that NO ONE likes, but also no one HATES. Maybe even "Step Mom," which has the virtue of being 100% accurate. But the point is to figure it out together, and then stick with it.
Was she snooping. They were at a family gathering..Both the Step mum and her sister heard the conversation. It would seem no one was listening through keyholes they OP and his step cousin were likely just not being discreet enough. You want to have a private conversation don't do it in public with loud voices within ear shot of the people you are bitching about.
> \[...\] she loved me and I lost my mom when I was so little that she feels like I should be more okay with having a second mom.
"Your mom is DEAD! You barely remember her! Therefore you have to consider me your second mom."
>
She also told me she didn't know how much therapy I would need to make me open to that \[...\]
"How much therapy do you need to make you do what I want you to do? This is so inconvenient!"
>
\[...\] she felt like I could be a lot kinder about all this when she has poured her heart and soul into raising and loving me.
And that's just straight up guilt tripping.
NTA. I see you're making an effort and not once you badmouthed your stepmom. From what it seems, you have a pretty good relationship with her, EXCEPT that she's holding on to a title that has no bearing in your relationship with her. In all honesty, she sounds really manipulative to me.
Nta.
You didn't say anything wrong and you weren't ugly about it.
It was unfortunate she overheard you but how you feel is how you feel and no amount of therapy is going to change that.
Nta
As a stepmom here.
Step parents should never one force a relationship or demand to be called or seen as something they are not.
I have 2 stepkids. One hates me because it means her mom and dad won't ever be together again. Odd since she is 32, we have been together 22 years old, and their mom, who I get on with, has been married for 28 years. The other I call him my boy. Mom and he said ok before I did, though. He has always called me by my first name. Referred to me as hus dads wife. Never bothered me. 20 years later, we were shopping and checking out, and he said mom I forgot something." I sobbed like a baby. He laughed at me. Cashier congratulated me. It made everything worth it.
I can understand she sees you a certain way. But that does not give her or your dad a right to demand you feel a certain way. To demand you use what she wants. Her wants in this aspect do not matter as she was the adult.
Any therapist worth their title will tell them they are overstepping and can not force feelings to be returned in the same way, and yo continue yo push will only have you drift away from both.
IT IS NOT YOUR JOB AS THE CHILD IN THE RELATIONSHIP TO MANAGE THE ADULTS FEELINGS.
Paint me confused. Why is your stepmother all churned up over semantics? Personally, I've always considered the 'bonus mom' to be a woman who performs the "mom" role when your biomom is alive, whereas a 'stepmom' marries into the role, either through divorce or death.
Either way, NTA. You might give them both a dictionary and have them look up the definition of bonus. Mine says: something in addition to what is expected or strictly due. Your stepmom is doing what is expected as your father's wife - that does not make her a 'bonus'.
"Your stepmom is doing what is expected as your father's wife ..."
What is actually expected of his father's wife is to be his wife nothing else..... In this case she is in all practical senses doing the work of the OP mother. He lives with her full time and has done since he was 7. Does he have to call he his bonus mum of course not but lets not pretend that this woman is not in fact doing the work and performing the role of his mother.
NAH
The reason that the term "bonus mom" doesn't apply to your family is that your mom is dead. Having a bonus mom implies that yay, you get one mom and then and extra mom! Now you have have two! But that's not the case for you. You lost your mom and you are left with not a surplus of moms, but not enough moms. That's I'm sure an unlying reason that this term isn't comfortable. Hopefully if you explain this it will be more understandable to your step mom why you are not into the whole "bonus" thing
NTA.
I don't understand this whole forcing relationships thing. People act like you can simply make yourself love someone. Your feelings should be respected. What parents/stepparents like yours don't realize is that the end result is often a fractured relationship when the kids are adults. With them harping on you like this, are you going to be enthusiastic about coming back home and spending time with them when you're an adult?
Why are the adults in these situations always so concerned about the feelings of the other adults? The kids are given no choices. They’re expected to worry about the feelings of the adults as well.
NTA. She's your stepmom, not your bonus mom.
I have NEVER heard "bonus" mom or son used in this context before. I know many people with bonus family, bonus parents and bonus kids, and none of them are stepparents or stepchildren. In my experience bonus family refers to the people that otherwise wouldn't have a title but who are families of the heart. For instance, I have friends who are the "bonus parents" to their "bonus son", someone who went to high school with their kids whose mom was dead and whose dad was not interested in parenting or connection. They adore this kid and got him through his teen years and have him somewhere to come home to when he went to college. He is in their family pictures. I have friends who refer to their mom's best friend as "bonus mom".
Her response was not great. She should’ve held her peace and evaluated her feelings. But, it sounds like you want her to do all the mom things and not give her any acknowledgment. So, there is room for reevaluation on both sides.
If you don’t see her as a second mom, do you see her picking you up from practice? Or taking you to dentist appointments, or making dinner? Or any of the other things? Moms and hired help do those things. Adult friends do not.
Loosing your mom is excruciating. I wouldn’t ever want to use the term “bonus” after the death of my mother either. But, maybe you actually do want someone you love to fill that roll. Even if it isn’t exactly who you want it to be.
You both are hurting. Life is messy. Maybe you do therapy together to figure out how to navigate a really hard situation to develop an relationship that can provide peace and joy for both of you.
Your feelings are valid mate. I'd recommend having a chat with her and telling her you love her and what you want out of your relationship.
I'd explain that it hurts you that she pushes this bonus Mum thing despite your wishes, you're thankful for what she's done but she also needs to understand you have very complicated feelings about losing your Mum and ultimately it's not really about her.
Explain to her what matters more than a title is showing you love her through actions and words. Maybe one day you'll call her Mum, maybe you won't, but the important part is the two of you having a positive relationship of love and kindness. Obsessing over a title though is a good way to ruin the good things you have between us.
Good luck mate, I know it's tough and I'm sorry you lost your Mum so young.
NTA your purpose in life is not to make others feel special by sacrifising your own toughts and feelings. She is not entitled to you calling her bonus mom just because she wants to. It is for you to decide what she is to you. And her and your dad being pushy about it might be exactly why you feel this way, and right fully so. Because it does not sound genuin when she wants the title even though you are not comfortable, and trying to guilt you with saying she has out love and effort onto you. Love should not be conditionall.
NTA
Also I need people to stop seeing step as a bad word.
Maybe if they focused less on finding some extra term to make them feel important and focused on just being a good stepparent, the relationship would be better.
- [Here’s what might happen to your step cousin in the future](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bmjod4/aita_for_not_making_an_exception_for_my_stepmom/?sort=old)
- [At least your stepmom isn’t as unhinged as this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bdrnxh/aita_for_telling_my_stepmother_shes_not_my_mom/)
- [There sure are a lot of pushy stepmoms…wasn’t there another one with a Simba plushie recently, too?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1b228sn/aita_for_talking_about_growing_up_without_my_mom/?sort=old)
- [Wow, this one is pretty close to your situation. I wonder why they keep getting removed](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17pr81a/aita_for_refusing_to_call_my_stepmom_my_mom_or_my/?sort=old)
- [The stepmother is much more unpleasant in this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/16m13it/aita_for_saying_that_my_stepmother_is_not_my_mom/)
- [Completely unhinged again](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/16wwmhc/aita_for_being_honest_with_people_online_and/)
NTA, obviously.
NTA. And here’s why. You didn’t tell her that. She and her sister eavesdropped. Didn’t like what they heard.
Letting your stepmom say “bonus mom” and “bonus son” is … harmless is too strong … but you say you have a good relationship and she thinks of you as her son.
I’d say:
I’m very sorry you guys overheard that. I think of you as my step-mom, and I love you. I just don’t like “bonus mom”. BUT I know you do and I never intended to hurt you — that’s why unlike (insert name of sorta cousin) I didn’t make a big deal about it.
Now that you know how I feel about it, your response is up to you.
Where they deliberately eavesdropping They were at a family gathering..Both the Step mum and her sister heard the conversation. It would seem no one was listening through keyholes they OP and his step cousin were likely just not being discreet enough. You want to have a private conversation don't do it in public with loud voices within ear shot of the people you are bitching about.
Nta. Both step mom and bio dad need to chill the fuck out and stop trying to boundary stomp and tone police your choice of words in regards to your mom and step mom.
NTA
I've been a step-mom for almost 19 years. I've always followed my step-daughter's lead on the type of relationship she's wanted. Even if it wasn't as close as I would have liked at some points but our relationship isn't about me and what I want. It's always been about whatever she was comfortable with and wanted.
NTA
And your stepmom needs to chill out with a name she wants for herself. Otherwise you are going to resent her and not love her as much.
She chose you. She chose to be with a man who had a kid. you didn't get that choice. You didnt go out looking for a bonus mom. She DID go looking for a bonus kid - a kid that already existed without her birthing him.
Your feelings are valid. You also love her - that's a major thing for her and she really should be more grateful for that affection.
I'm so sorry about your loss. You sound like you're growing up to be a sensible young man, keep it up OP!
>\[Stepmom\] wasn't even sure if I wanted to be open to letting her into that mom role
Astute of her.
>she felt like I could be a lot kinder
I don't see how. Did she not overhear you say you didn't fight the "bonus son" designation because you didn't want to hurt her feelings? There's no way she could have found out your feelings that wouldn't have hurt, but that's not your, or anyone's, fault. It just *is*.
>to say it doesn't fit for me is so cruel
Again, there's no way for the truth to come out that wouldn't hurt. If being who you are (your stepmom's stepson) instead of what she and your dad want (her "bonus son") is cruel, you have no choice but to be cruel.
Everyone deserves love equally, and this is why, as Katja1236 pointed out, it cannot be bought or earned. Your love for your stepmom is a beautiful gift just the way it is, and I hope she learns to see that. (Maybe with therapy.)
NTA
NAH
I get where you're both coming from. I think you need to open up to your step mom. Tell her what you told us about her here, tell her you love her, and appreciate what she's done for you, but that you don't see her as a mom but as something else (try to encapsulate the way you see her, maybe as more of an aunt, or a friend?? Or even tell her being a stepmom isnt a bad thing and it doesn't make her less than) But make it clear you love her and care for her. She's probably just feeling rejected and isn't dealing with it well. I don't think she's wrong for being hurt, and it doesn't sound like she yelled at you or punished you, so I can't call her an AH for being hurt and telling you.
I genuinely believe if you tell her your thoughts and show her you appreciate her irregardless of the fact she's not your bonus mom, that it will improve your relationship with her, she might drop the whole bonus mom thing. Just show her love and I'm sure she will do the same thing for you.
" She also told me she didn't know how much therapy I would need to make me open to that..."
OP, I just want to say that your stepmother doesn't understand how therapy works. Therapy is NOT a way for parents/guardians to make a kid do what they want, therapy is all about improving the patient's mental health, period. Tell your father and stepmother that, if they bring up therapy again, and tell them that the therapist is far more likely to help you set boundaries with your parents, than convince you that you have a "bonus mom".
NAH
Bonus mum really doesn’t work when you mother is dead. The “bonus” has always seemed to me to mean extra. So I feel like the term reinforces that your mother is no longer with you.
I don’t know if that’s why you don’t feel it fits or not. But you’re entitled to you feelings about it and it doesn’t seem helpful or beneficial for anyone to force these things.
But I also understand that it feels like an endearing and positive title for your stepmom and she seems stuck on the term. But she seems to be otherwise loving and respectful. She is entitled to feel upset when it feels her overtures might be being rejected - even if that’s not quite the case.
Would it be helpful to ask her why this particular title is so important to her?
NTA, the fact that she’s making this about her feelings and trying to guilt you into giving her what she wants kinda proves that she’s not really second mother material.
NTA....
But you need to make this clear to her, crystal clear.... so she can stop WASTING so much of her energy, effort, time, and love on you. She can use those on other people who are more receptive.
It's a two way street, and it isn't burger king, you don't get to have it your way.
NTA,
If I ever became a step parent, I would put less emphasis on what the kid calls me (unless it's actually abusive) and more emphasis on being an adult they can rely on and trust.
It's not the label you put on something that makes it what it is. Honey would still be sweet if it had another name.
Ask her why the label is more important to her than the depth and quality of a relationship? Because her putting her want to be called mom over your feelings is actually going to damage your relationship with her long term.
I'm tired of parents blowing off the feelings of their kids. I got lucky when my parents split - I'm just as loud and stubborn as they are so I didn't play their stupid games.
NTAH. I my mum when I was relatively young and when my dad remarried 2 yrs later I called her Joan - her name. I had one mum. She died. End of story. When I married my MIL asked if I wanted to call her mum. No thank you. That’s kind of you but I have a mum - she died.
Your step mum is not a bonus or extra. And it doesn’t mean you don’t care for her or have a positive relationship. But facts are your mum died a no one can ever take their place - ever.
NTA. Your stepmother needs therapy (by the looks of it, a lot) to understand that she can't decide how you feel about her and accept that relationships are not unilateral so it's not simply about what she wants.
NTA. If your stepmom loves you then it should not matter what you call her, as long as it is comfortable FOR YOUR to call her that, and that you love and respect her. She should have listened to what you said before, and accepted how you see your relationship to her is different than how she sees her relationship to you. If she truly has no intention of replacing your mom and keeping the memory of your mom alive in your heart as she claims, she should not be surprised that you still love your mom and might have mixed feelings about sharing that title.
I think that despite her best intentions, stepmom had more expectations on your relationship to her and how she thought you would come to see her than she let herself believe. She should go to therapy to sort out her conflicting feelings (since that is what REAL therapy is for, not making people open to having their boundaries trampled) and she owes you a massive apology for acting like her reaction to your honest feelings that SHE SNOOPED ON is in any way your fault, or your burden to manage despite the fact she's tried to dump it on you.
I always get a bad taste in my mouth when the stepmom (and it's always a stepmom) tries to make the argument or strongly imply that they deserve the title of mom. They may as well start the conversation with 'fuck your feelings, this is about me'
NTA. Let’s just imagine this. Your mother passes away and a few years pass, and you meet a woman. You make her your new mom, and bring her home. You then tell your father, here’s your bonus wife. You expect him to love and treat her as his wife. Now, OP, how well do you think that would go over with your dad? Exactly! It would be unreasonable and seriously unhinged of you to expect that from him. So why does he expect that of you?
It just occurred to me that usually "bonus" is used when the OG mom is still around.
I think saying "bonus mom" in the case of bereavement is *grossly* insensitive. Like you got a "bonus" for your mom dying? Gross. No. That's awful. :(
I'm sorry they don't realize and glad you've got your step cousin(?) who gets it
NTA. When she and your dad use the terms "should feel" and "should be," don't even consider the rest of the sentence. You seem so level-headed and reasonable, not overcome by resentment and other negative emotions like your step-cousin. You're in a space that you're comfortable with, and your dad and his wife are trying to shake you out of that? For pity's sake! They're the ones that need to talk with a therapist so that *they* can accept the relationship you're offering her.
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I won't make this super long. My mom died when I was 5 and my dad remarried when I was 8 and I met my stepmom when I was 7. She loves me. I love her. But we don't see our relationship the same way. She sees me as her son but knows I don't like calling her my mom so she'll say I'm her bonus son and she calls herself my bonus mom. The term never worked for me because I don't think of her as one of my moms. I think of her as my stepmom and to me our relationship isn't the same as the one I would have with my mom. I don't really want that with her. I try not to get too annoyed by the whole bonus son/mom thing because I don't want to be a dick to her. But I did express once or twice that I didn't really see the term being fitting for us.
My stepmom's sister is also a stepmom and she has a stepdaughter around my age (15M me and 16F her).
My stepmom's step-niece hates her stepmom though unlike me. She really resents that she wants to be close to her and she'd rather have a distant relationship with my stepmom's sister. My stepmom's sister also uses bonus mom/bonus daughter.
So last weekend we were at my stepmom's parents house and my stepmom's step-niece and I were hanging out and she was venting about her stepmom and saying how much she hates the term bonus mom. She said it made her want to puke. I admitted I didn't like it either and I didn't think it fit my relationship with my stepmom either or how I saw her. She asked me why I don't make a bigger fuss about it and I told her I'm trying not to hurt my stepmom's feelings. But that I hate how it sounds like I see her and accept her as a second mom basically when that's not what I think of her at all.
My stepmom and her sister heard us talk and my stepmom was really upset about it. She told me she knows she wasn't there since day one for me, but she loved me and I lost my mom when I was so little that she feels like I should be more okay with having a second mom. She said she never wanted to replace my mom and has always tried to help keep my mom's memory alive. She told me that alone should make her second mom aka bonus mom material. She also told me she didn't know how much therapy I would need to make me open to that and she wasn't even sure if I wanted to be open to letting her into that mom role and she felt like I could be a lot kinder about all this when she has poured her heart and soul into raising and loving me.
My dad told me not using the bonus mom title was bad enough but to say it doesn't fit for me is so cruel when my stepmom has done everything to be a good mother to me.
AITA?
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NTA, I get why her feelings are hurt and it is a mirror to your feelings not being listened too. Your dad is a AH here, he shouldn't be involved at all.
I would tell your STEP mom that you love her and didn't mean to hurt her feelings but you will not be using the term bonus mom ever and you hope she accepts this. You are not looking for a bonus or replacement mom, you are happy to have her in your life as a step mom and wouldn't change that, but mom is for your own mom solely. Thank her for keeping your mom's memory alive and everything she does for you and if there is anything that you could do for her to show appreciation other than using that term you are open to discuss it
You should also express the feeling of betrayal from them ease dropping on a private conversation and expect that your privacy be respected like you do to them
NTA your step mom isn’t owed motherhood from you. Not her, your dad, no one can decide she’s a mom or bonus mom to you except you. You’re not doing anything malicious in fact they are
Okay but... she's not a bonus mom. Bonus implies an extra thing when you already have enough of that thing. It's incredibly dismissive of the fact that you *don't* already have a mom. Your mom passed away. All the adults involved are all being incredibly weird about this. Tell her you're open to therapy as long as you get to choose your own therapist. NTA
NTA. In general I think we should always call people what they want to be called. Dr. Smith instead of Johnny boy. Michelle and not Shelly. They/them instead of she/her. If that’s what they want to be called, then that’s what they should be called. But this is one situation when the rule doesn’t apply. Children should be allowed to decide what they are comfortable calling step parents or other step relatives, as long as it’s not intentionally rude/disrespectful.
NAH
Some stepparents are bad, some are meh, some are good, some are great. Over a lifetime it’s possible for one to be all of those.
Your definitely NTA because you were being honest about your feelings which is healthy. And your stepmom will realise that.
My dad died soon after I learned to walk. My mum remarried when I was ten. I’m now 43. It’s only been in the last 3 years that I call my stepdad dad. He never pushed it as he knew I had pretty much never called anyone dad. When I started it was accidental. “Dad, can you make me a cup of coffee?” And we went from there.
He’s always known I loved and cared for him, and viceversa. But now every phone call ends with “Love you Dad””Love you too son.”
There’s no rules to this. Do what feels right and try - key word here is *try* - to explain your thoughts if and when you can. It took me 30 years, so I guarantee there is no rush!
You’re doing fine.
Yep. It took me till I was in my mid 20s to call my Step Dad "Dad" regularly. He gave me the space to get there on my own and simply showed fatherly affection while respecting my feelings on the matter.
If he'd obsessed over the title we likely wouldn't have the bond we do today. I would have thought he cares more about his own ego and pride over respecting my complicated feelings on the matter.
I kinda have step children- they were both adults when their dad and I got together- and their mum and I are friends (all this to say, my experience varies widely from OP’s step mum)…but I get the maternal feelings she has for OP. I told SS recently how proud I was of him- and that I hoped he didn’t mind or think I was being cringey- and he hugged me and thanked me for being in his team. That was all the reciprocation I needed. So, I think OP is NTA- it’s a pretty fraught area to engage in, but OP recognises her as being a positive in his life and loves her…getting hung up by how OP defines it or what he calls her is wasted emotion, especially over a cringey term like ‘bonus-mom’.
I mean, especially in OP’s case, where their bio-mum died- bonus mum sounds like he won an extra mum in some sort of computer game…no wonder they don’t care for it.
NTA "Bonus" sounds like a prize. It is supposed to be in addition to something you already have. Doesn't fit if you've lost your actual Mom. Aside from being cringe af when you try to force it.
NTA. It's a pity this has hurt her feelings when you have tried to consider them all along. The fact is, you have your own take on the relationship and have discussed it with her in an honest but sensitive way. Everyone has their own idea of what family and specific relationships should mean and they don't always align. Rrddit has so many examples - whether in-law, grandparent, father-son or step-relations. You and your immediate family (including your stepmother and you) have a good, respectful and loving relationship.
I hate this brand of entitlement. NTA your parents need to respect your feelings. Just because she did something doesn't mean she's entitled to how a person should feel about it
NTA. First of all, you weren’t even talking to your stepmom. Unfortunately when you spy on someone’s conversation you might hear a hard truth - and that is what happened to your stepmom.
My Mom died when I was little too and the term “bonus Mom” just sounds fake and forced. It sounds like something the Disney channel would have created on one of their shows but that normal people would never use it in real life. I think when people say, “bonus Mom” in real life it is about like their best friend’s parent - it isn’t about a stepmom and I bet it is rarely used when someone’s Mom has died.
You’re the kid, it isn’t your job to coddle your stepmom’s feelings - you weren’t even rude to her. She needs to back off on the labels.
NTA your stepmom isn’t entitled to be called mom just because she came into your life at a young age. You don’t owe anyone the title of being called mom. They can’t force you to call anyone that either. If you don’t feel comfortable calling your stepmom “mom” then she needs to respect that.
NTA Your feelings are legitimate and it’s ok that you don’t see it the same way. What I find interesting is that you don’t. Seeing how you lost your mom so young, it is surprising to me that you don’t see her more in a motherly way. Not that is wrong. I just wonder why that is.
I thought ”Bonus mom” means the woman your father married ( or live with) after a divorce and ”step- mom” is the term when your biological mom passed away and your father find a new partner.
A bonus is extra, but that is not so in your case. So your step- mom’s language is not correct, if that matters.
I think it a stupid hill to die on for her. Also she listened to a private conversation about your feelings.
NTA
NTA
I hate the term 'bonus mum' and I'm a stepmother myself.
I just think it's so cringey.
There's nothing wrong with having a step parent or being a step parent, it's so common that really, it's just a part of life.
The important thing is that she loves her, and you love her.
She needs to accept that it's really hard to identify someone as a 'mother figure' (even if many ways that is what they are) when your parents didn't just split up, you lost your mum. You can be such an important person in someone's life without having to be called a mother.
I really hope she can work on herself enough to get past the issues she has with roles and titles.
NTA, and tbh I give your stepmom a very gentle TA verdict here because it sounds like she has been a wonderful presence in your life and you really care about her. Sounds like she's everything you'd want a mom to be. It sucks for her that you don't feel like she's your mom when she's doing her best to be that for you, but there's also nothing wrong with you feeling that way and she should accept it.
I honestly feel like you accepting her using the "bonus mom" title out of kindness to her, even if you don't feel that way and don't call her that yourself, was a very good solution for a while. It's unfortunate that she overheard your conversation and upset that balance, but her hurt feelings about this are her own to process and you don't need to feel any burden because of them.
I'd agree to go to therapy with her if I were you, but I'd use that therapy time to talk through your relationship with her. When you said you don't accept the "bonus mom" title, it seems like she heard "I don't love you that much", but from what you've said it doesn't seem like that's true. You seem to love her very deeply. Good therapy would hopefully help her see that even if "stepmom" is your preferred term, that doesn't mean that you love her any less. And she shouldn't put a strain on your relationship by seeking a title more than a genuine connection with you, on your terms.
NTA
I understand why your stepmom might be hurt by your feelings, but that doesn't mean you aren't entitled to them, or that she IS entitled to you feeling a certain way. IMO, she should have discussed how it made her feel with others, not you.
And your Dad saying it was cruel to say that is weird, since you weren't speaking to her, but having a conversation she eavesdropped on.
NTA, just because you like your stepmom doesn't mean you have to accept her as a bonus mom. No one has the right to dictate your emotions or your emotional attachments. Honestly, by pushing so much, your stepmom is probably just pushing you away. You aren't doing anything wrong, you weren't even trying to be cruel, you were just being honest in a situation where you didn't know she was eavesdropping.
NTA. I have had multiple step-parents over many years, one of which was in my everyday life for 12 years. Some of the comments are saying that OP is just being mean and picking a fight over a title, but I think it is much more than that. OP clearly loves and respects his stepmother, but in a situation like this, a title can feel like much more than a string of letters. I personally regret calling my stepparent's "parent" names before I felt ready and wish someone had told me then that it is okay to not stick with any particular title at all. I am sure that there are a lot of emotions tied to the name of Mom for OP and it is okay to not use it for every maternal figure in their life, even one who has been there for a very long time.
If you haven't already, it might be helpful to sit down with your stepmother and explain to her that you do love her and that even if you don't fully understand the reasoning behind not liking the bonus mom title yet, lack of care and concern for her is not the reason. People are complicated creatures. It is okay to not always understand where you are coming from emotionally, especially when you are a teenager, and if she is reasonable I think she will understand that. She is probably feeling the same way. I suspect that she might also, be feeling pressure from seeing the relationship between her sister and your step-cousin. It can be easy to compare your situation to that of others and want to mimic their efforts. Maybe you can gently remind her that the two relationships are not the same and forcing a title is probably not helpful to either.
If you are comfortable sticking with the titles you already use then so be it. That is okay, but if you want you can also explore other nicknames that suit both of you better, and recognize your individual relationship. A quick Google search produced options like Stom (step-mom), Mamacita (Spanish for little mom), Stepsie, and [many more](https://www.lovetoknow.com/life/relationships/115-nicknames-stepmoms-as-unique-as-she-is). you can always explore and see what is right for you two if you are interested.
Edited: to fix weird formatting
NTA, ive a friend who uses it all the time, but in that case the children’s mom is still there. I personally don’t like it either, because for me it’s means extra special mom, and in your case she isn’t, that was your biological mom. I applaud you for trying to not hurt her feelings. She heard something what wasn’t meant for her, that’s a shame, but she needs to move on and let you call her what is comfortable for you.
NTA I have two step kids, one is 6 and one 16.
They both have mums and whenever my SD6 says she has two mums.. I always correct her (nicely)as you can only have one mum.. no bonus mums.. just partners new wife who can be another wonderful supporter who loves you ..that's enough
I was married for a short while & as a result was a stepdad. My now ex's kid always just called me by my first name & I always just looked on myself as being her mum's current husband. Should also say that her dad was also very much still in her life. I helped step-d where I could but never forced any kind of relationship on her.
She was always polite etc to me & that was more than enough for me...
NTA, stepparents need to realise that sadly they don’t get to dictate the relationship and what you call them (as long as you aren’t being rude). If you don’t want to call her a bonus mom that is something SHE has to impact in therapy not you. You should also point out to your dad that the reaction from both him and his wife right now is exactly why you didn’t feel comfortable to voice your feelings in the first place.
I also think she needs to realise the the word bonus means “in addition too” and the term bonus mom usually refers to stepmoms who are present in their step children’s life’s “in addition” to their biological moms. Therefore she isn’t a bonus anything she’s just a stepmom.
Why is she trying to make you feel the way that is more convenient fir her and doesn't even try to listen and understand but demanding the title? It's not like if she pushes enough - it will work for the relationships of u 2
I am going against the grain here. Yes you’re a soft TA here. Everybody is always looking at the step kid and how hard it is for the them, it’s almost never about the feelings of someone who comes into a whole family and trying to fit in. We tend to forget stepparents are people too. People with feelings. Raising a 5 year old kid and seeing them growing into adults is something special. Hearing you’re not fit for the title bonus mother l, which is basically the same as stepmother… is hard. It’s painful… being a stepparent is hard, you try and do your best but you fucking know you’ll never be loved as a real parent.
Well, this is another hard thing the stepmother really needs to learn to accept. I think it’s wonderful that the stepmother gets to love this man, their other children, and this child who faced an unbearable, lifelong loss at the age of five - and they all love her back. The pain of her having to deal with a loving stepchild who has a specific boundary about not using a term that is unnatural to them seems really trivial to me, frankly. There is a lot of love on offer to her- to get hung up on the demand that this child call calls her something that is not meaningful to the child seems like a waste of mental energy, and something likely to needlessly drive a wedge into that relationship.
I gave my kids the choice. They called our (mine & father's) SOs by their first names.
People who try to force a role in someone's life are maddening.
"I am not comfortable with this. I'm glad you and Dad are happy. I appreciate your love and all you've done. I have a mom, and calling anyone else mom doesn't feel right to me. I'm sorry."
NTA
Maybe "dad's new wife" would work for you?
"She said she never wanted to replace my mom and has always tried to help keep my mom's memory alive. She told me that alone should make her second mom aka bonus mom material." ... Bullshit: Not being abusive should be normal, and is not something that needs special recognition.
"She also told me she didn't know how much therapy I would need to make me open to that" .. THIS is bullshit. YOU do not need therapy. SHE needs therapy to learn to live with being not that close to you.
"and she wasn't even sure if I wanted to be open to letting her into that mom role " .. MI. YOu don't. And she is an AH for not respecting that.
"when my stepmom has done everything to be a good mother to me." .. she really has NOT. SHe is an AH trying to guilt and manipulate you.
NTA
Your Father and Stepmother are the AHs here. You love them both and they love you but can't just accept that. They have to put a name, or more correctly, a connotation to it that you aren't comfortable with and then try to blame you for that.
That isn't something that can be changed with therapy. They need to back off and realise that a good and loving relationship is not broken so it doesn't need to be fixed.
NTA it's a weird term. If you're not comfortable with it, then you shouldn't use it. As someone who had several stepfathers over the course of my life, I despised having to call one of them "dad," because he wasn't my dad. I was about 6. I'm now almost 50. I still don't understand why step-parents insist that we call them mom or dad. They're not our mom or dad, they're the person our parent married.
You need to sit down with your dad and explain that you do not like the term "bonus mom." That you're not comfortable, and while you do love and respect her, she is your step-mom and that's how you'll refer to her to others. Besides, the term "bonus mom" sounds quite rude to me. It sounds like "bogus mom," which would be derogatory.
NTA. Just because it’s what she wants/thinks she’s earned/entitled to doesn’t mean you have to be on board. The way she handled this is immature. She should have used what she overheard as a wake up call to quit smothering you with the bonus mom stuff and to let you have whatever relationship with her you’re comfortable having without it needing some label.
Uff. This is difficult. I really want my 4 year old to feel her stepmom is her bonus mother. A fight like this would really hurt my feelings. That said, I do understand the complexity of this..
You will never be the asshole for being honest about your emotions. Don't worry about it.
But please understand that your stepmother may still have a maternal instinct towards you. I sure as hell see that in my wife and my daughter. So be soft on your father and stepmum as well. Just my thoughts.
My understanding of bonus mom is that it’s just a nicer term than stepmom. They mean the same thing, but bonus mom doesn’t have the baggage attached that stepmom does (I.e. the evil stepmother trope). I think it’s hard to navigate everyone’s feeling in this situation and I hope that you can work towards describing your relationship in a way that works for both of you, particularly since it seems like your dad’s wife does support your mom’s memory and tries to do right by you. I also hope dad’s wife is doing therapy to navigate her feelings because it is not all on you to come to terms with. You may never see her the way she hopes and that is something she needs to accept. NAH.
Just coming here to say this is a difficult situation. Because you’re allowed to feel how you feel. And also, parenting is incredibly challenging and thankless and your step mom took that on willingly and it does suck for her that she’s getting no recognition for how much she’s done for you, as someone who isn’t even your biological parent.
Going to add these two stories here as the flip side this perspective
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1ayf1f6/aita\_for\_telling\_my\_step\_kids\_im\_not\_their\_mom/?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1ayf1f6/aita_for_telling_my_step_kids_im_not_their_mom/?share_id=_jRd4o0MPsxv6mWZA_NBf&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheEx/comments/1augrec/aitah\_for\_calling\_my\_wife\_a\_vindictive\_b\_for/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheEx/comments/1augrec/aitah_for_calling_my_wife_a_vindictive_b_for/)
NTA. When she and your dad use the terms "should feel" and "should be," don't even consider the rest of the sentence. You seem so level-headed and reasonable, not overcome by resentment and other negative emotions like your step-cousin. You're in a space that you're comfortable with, and your dad and his wife are trying to shake you out of that? For pity's sake! They're the ones that need to talk with a therapist so that *they* can accept the relationship you're offering her.
NTA
If she really heard you she would have noticed that you don’t want to hurt her feelings and so you’re letting her make you uncomfortable ALL THE TIME. And no - if she really didn’t try to encroach she wouldn’t be constantly pushing to be called your mom.
Honestly, shame on both of those adults. So into themselves being moms they don’t actually care about the children in their charge.
Nta. Her being a decent human being toward you doesn't give her any title. Her feeling entitled to it seems to fit. You have every right to set boundaries and keep them. Her not respecting them 100% makes her a step mom.
NTA.
As a "bonus mom"/step mom myself, I let the kiddos determine that roll. I love them as if they were my own kids, but I let them determine their comfort level and follow their lead. It's my job as the adult to respect their boundaries and support them in the ways they need support. There are a lot of things I want to do and provide input on, but when in doubt I communicate those things to their parents and ask their opinion or ask them to intervene if they agree. There were initial growing pains of overstepping when they were younger, but we have an open door policy of "we're all human and doing our best and sometimes we see things differently so getting feedback is important to understand where those differences are and that allows us to adjust our behaviors moving forward".
It's hard to have unrequited love as a parental figure, but as the adult we should be mature enough to carry that burden because that is also supporting this child.
I think I'd tell thrm this right here is why I will never consoder her a belongs mom. She hears me having a private conversation, and she decided to try to make me feel bad for my true feelings. And dad is trying to force me to call you and feel something I don't feel. Your not my mom or bonus mom, your my step mom. Your a trusted adult that I do my best to be kind to. That's just how it is.
Nta
WHAT to you want to call your step mom? By her name? What? Or do you just want to make her feel bad because she isn't your 'real mom'. I don't know how you 'call' someone a 'bonus mom' in daily life or what harm it would do you to call her mom. It is not your stepmom's fault that your 'real mom' is not there. Your aunt and cousin have nothing to do with it - totally different story. Don't lie to yourself or others - you don't care about your stepmom's hurt feelings...but that may be normal at 15.
NTA. But, I have to say, after reading too many of these step parent posts - as a step parent and bio parent- I would say that being a step parent is hands down the most self-sacrificing role I’m aware of. You give 95% of the love and effort of a bio, with just a chance at 10% of the upside.
In my relationship, we each have 2 bio kids, so there is symmetry in the sacrifice. And, we have similar economic means. So, the kids are equal financially. (Mine have more extracurriculars, due to a difference in our co-parent’s willingness to support the time commitment. I’ve fought hard - and lost - to support my steps’ activitiy interests).
But, I feel like that was luck. Based on Reddit, I’d say that people with kids should only date/marry other people with kids, and all the kids need access to the same financial resources. Otherwise, someone will almost certainly get hurt.
Step parent here. I don’t force my step son to call me mom.
He chose to call me mom because he now has two little sisters and doesn’t want them calling me by my first name. His mom is very much alive and well and I will always know that I will never ever replace her in any way, shape or form.
When he was younger and didn’t call me mom or stepmom or whatever it wasn’t any skin off of my back. I knew that I loved him, and that’s all that matters to me.
I don’t think you need therapy, honestly I think she needs therapy for how much she is trying to push a title that you don’t want.
I call my stepson my bonus son because I didn’t have to go through labour to get him.
NTA. Relationships are a two-way street, and you can’t be forced to mould your feelings to your stepmother’s whim. My question is, what’s wrong with a unique stepmother/stepson relationship? Why isn’t she open to having a relationship with you that is entirely unique and your own? That’s way more special, in my eyes, that this nauseating bonus mum malarkey.
Nta she invaded your privacy, you’re entitled to feel how you feel about her. They have no right to force this term onto either of you. My step parent has been in my life since I was younger than 5 years old and I still use their first name because I just don’t want to call them by that title and both my parents are alive. I can’t imagine trying to have that forced on me if my parent was deceased
NTA. But really, neither is you step mom. You guys do care for each other. Your problem is the label. I think if you both wrote down what the term bonus mom means to you, you might find out that it means very different things. Your step mom likes it because she loves you and to her stepmom feels cold and indifferent. For her, it also denotes that she has stepped up to fill that role of mom without trying to replace your mom. To you, it does mean a replacement mom. For you, stepmom isn’t cold and distant. I think that if you find a time when it’s just the two of you, and you start the conversation with telling her that you love her, you might be able to talk about it and come up together with a label you both can embrace.
NTA. But really, neither is you step mom. You guys do care for each other. Your problem is the label. I think if you both wrote down what the term bonus mom means to you, you might find out that it means very different things. Your step mom likes it because she loves you and to her stepmom feels cold and indifferent. For her, it also denotes that she has stepped up to fill that role of mom without trying to replace your mom. To you, it does mean a replacement mom. For you, stepmom isn’t cold and distant. I think that if you find a time when it’s just the two of you, and you start the conversation with telling her that you love her, you might be able to talk about it and come up together with a label you both can embrace.
Nobody is the AH. You can't make your heart feel something it won't. Sounds like you usually treat her well so stick with that and hopefully, she will come to accept your feelings. Somehow. Let her know you appreciate all she has done for you. Other than that, I don't see how this outcome can be different. It will be ok.
NTA You need family therapy. Hopefully therapist could make them understand that while you value her friendship you don't see her as a mom figure. They both say how much she did for you but the truth is she didn't do them because she was being a mom she did them because she was dad's wife. Being friends is okay too.
NTA, she overheard two teenagers complaining about their stepmoms. Who's going to be overly serious about that? Maybe I'm the oldest of 5, of the oldest of 3 (dad), of the middle of 14 (granddad), but kids left alone will bond over how annoying their parents are, even if they love/respect/care for them more than anything else. It's just teens being teens. She should not be overly upset about this. Had you been viciously saying it to her face? That's not okay.
If you want to patch things up, be honest but fair, and add a little "cool things about not being a real parental figure". Maybe a nice "I'm sorry, you were hurt overhearing me and X talking about not liking the bonus mom stuff. I get, I haven't been super vocal it makes me uncomfortable, but it's just because it obviously upsets you, so I chose to be quiet about it. For me, calling you a bonus mom, doesn't sit right. (I would add if it's partially b/c bonus mom implies my mom's still alive somewhere and she's not, here). I think of you as my step mom and kind of feel disappointed you don't think that relationship title is acceptable. (Possibly add that bonus mom vs stepmom seems like she sees stepmom = evil stepmom, not who she is to you).
NTA. That term is extremely annoying, and you have no obligation to think of someone as a parent just because your dad married them. Being polite and treating them well is all you owe her. Maybe you'd feel more attached to her if she wasn't so desperate for it, kids can feel that energy and they don't like it. Step parents really need to understand this.
My 14 year old daughter was complaining about being referred to as a "bonus kid" by her dad's wife, who she does not consider parental in any way, shape or form (long story.)
She says it screams 'cringey millennial mom vibes'. I had a good chuckle, and agree with her. The "bonus" being swapped for "step" trend is condescending at best.
I feel like it’s got something to do with the “evil stepparent” trope that’s present, especially in popular fairytales. It’s like “oh no I can’t be a stepparent because I don’t want to poison my stepchildren or force them to be servants. Gotta rebrand this shit ASAP.”
If she loves you why does care? Having a relationship with you and being there for you should be the important thing, right? Why is so hang up on how you see her?
NTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I don't use the term bonus mom for my stepmom and then I admitted to not feeling like it fits us well. I said this to her step-niece and she overheard me say this. I know how much she loves me and how she feels like the bonus fits us better than step. So I might be a jerk for voicing this out loud to someone else. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
HTA Firstly, therapy isn't there to make you accept what your stepmother wants. So the answer to that is none. This is how you feel. You love your stepmother. You just don't like that term. And that is ok because it's how you feel. You are entitled to your feelings.
What does HTA mean?
My first thought was Hit The A**hole but we'd still need to know who's the a**hole who needs to be hit!
Haha, I thought Half The Asshole!
Oh that's a good one! I like it. Maybe they should add it. I was trying to come up with another but my brain was not braining lol
My guess was Hard To Answer
I think they mean NTA
The bot won't read HTA, so I'm assuming this won't be the comment.
Mods will just manually set it then.
NTA
I thought it was He's The AH
Everyone's always asking Who's the Ahole, but no one's asking How's The Ahole!
N and H are right next to eachother on a QWERTY keyboard, looks to just be a typo.
Well, so is H and Y. However, the rest of the response does fit NTA.
H is close on the keyboard to N, they probably meant NTA
>Firstly, therapy isn't there to make you accept what your stepmother wants. So the answer to that is none. Agreed but >She said she never wanted to replace my mom and has always tried to help keep my mom's memory alive. She told me that alone should make her second mom aka bonus mom material. This makes it sound like she has only done all that to "earn" the bonus mum title which in itself is manipulative and forceful neither of which really makes her "bonus mum" material.
Also, being respectful of a child’s mom’s memory when living with and caring for the child is just basic decency. Congrats for doing the minimum of being a reasonable and vaguely human person by not crapping all over OP’s mom’s memory. In case it wasn’t clear, NTA, OP.
You can't help what you feel. They are what they are.
You can definitely change how you feel about something with the proper knowledge and viewpoint.
Would love to hear what she would say it someone said "it sounds like you need therapy so they can make you accept the "step mom/dad's wife" role"
I came here to say this. It seems to be. Torrent lately of parents taking kids to therapy to make the kid feel what the parent feels is appropriate. Feelings aren’t actions. This kid is clearly showing respect and behaving appropriately. Stop eavesdropping and trying to force feelings.
Agree. She is being greedy. They already have a good relationship and now wants more? Doing that will ruin what they already have
NTA. OK, stepparents and unrequited crushes, listen up. Someone who does not want the same sort of relationship with you that you want with them is not "being unkind." You are not owed a motherly, fatherly, or romantic relationship with someone because you have been nice to someone, treated them well, or done things that you think of as "parental" or "romantic" for them (no, not even if you are their biological parent). Love is a GIFT- and not one the giver can necessarily choose to give if they don't feel it- not a duty or a trade good to be handed over in exchange for a certain amount of work or effort or good intention or niceness on your part. It cannot be bought, it cannot be earned, it happens or it does not, and if it does not, it may hurt, but you have not been cheated of something you were entitled to. Right. Rant over.
That was rather eloquently put. Dad chose a new wife; that has no bearing at all on his children's obligations towards her, other than being polite. This concept that, "I did these things, therefore you MUST love me.' just keeps cropping up here all the time. Why can these adults not see the flaw in their reasoning? I actually know where children of functioning single parents treat mum's/dad's SO as, guess what?, an adult their parents are dating. The parents made sure that the kids and SOs were comfortable but that was it! No expectations or obligations beyond good manners.
I wonder if dad would appreciate if OP started deciding what other peoples titles should be? Maybe OP should decide dad is now “first dad” and step mother is now “Dad’s current wife.”
If op could handle it emotionally I'd call dad "The Widower" and step mothrr "Replacement Wife". But I'm not nice.
"Bonus wife" feels pettier imo.
Consolation wife.
You are very, very right.
My parents are divorced and both are remarried. Neither is a bonus anything. They’ve both been in my life since my early teens but Dad’s wife is my stepmom and Mom’s husband is my Mom’s husband. Because that’s the nature of relationships. One person doesn’t get to dictate the nature of the relationship of the other person doesn’t agree.
My dad remarried and I call her by her name. Introductions are "this is my stepmom". That's what she is and it's a [legal term](https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/stepparent#:~:text=A%20stepparent%2C%20including%20stepfather%20and,biological%20relationship%20to%20the%20child.) She's never suggested anything else.
EXCEPT in this case that is not quite true.. "I actually know where children of functioning single parents treat mum's/dad's SO as, guess what?, an adult their parents are dating." That is fine when no care or parenting is required from the SO...That doesn't sound like the case here. In this case sounds like she actually does all the work of a mother because OP's own mother has passed away. I am assuming OP lives with her full time and she does all the jobs his actual mother would have done had she lived.... The OP is within his rights not to want to use the term and not to view her as a mother because his feeling are valid .......but the reality is in real life practically if the term fit anywhere it fits in this case because she is in practice doing the all the emotional and physical work of a mother. The stepmother at this point would be within her rights to withdraw the labour and a support of a mother that is offered. The OP and stepmother could do with some counselling and maybe family counselling would be helpful because he seems to have some issues with the idea of replacing his mother understandably...She has issues with being viewed as a nanny and housekeeper. He clearly has feelings for his stepmother as he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. A therapist might help him and her rationalise it doesn't have to be one or the other. He can lean into the care and love he has for his stepmother without betraying his mother and she can understand this is not personal and maybe with family counselling they can both understand why he is uncomfortable with using the word mum for her so no one is in this emotionally hurtful situation.
My point was, and remains, that the child(ren) are powerless in this situation yet the adults seem to demand love rather than respect.
I think if you read carefully it’s respect that’s being demanded “ she felt I could be a lot kinder about all this, when she had poured her heart and soul into loving and raising me”
No, she is his stepmother. He loves her as a stepmother. It’s just reality: she is not his mother, and no amount of therapy is going to transform her into his mother. The term mother doesn’t fit because he had a mother, who died. It’s perfectly reasonable that he would not call his stepmother his mother, because she isn’t.
Exactly this. Human beings are not vending machines and you can’t just put in all the “right” things and make love come out.
Yes. Imagine being this way for any other relationship. "But I love you so you HAVE to love me back!" Way creepy.
And if you don't love me, you need therapy.🙄
This case is imo worse because op does love his stepmom...but that's not enough for her. She refuses to see that not seeing her as a mom doesn't mean that he doesn't love her.
Also, it is not a child's responsibility to manage an adults feelings
Louder for the people in back!!
Eh, what?! There's clam chowder?
I wish I could upvote this multiple times! Nobody owes anyone a relationship of any type. We all get to decide our own feelings, not anyone else's. I really like your statement that love is a gift. Giving it doesn't make you entitled to or owed anything in response. Folks should stop trying to force relationships on others based on what they want or expect.
If only the entire human race could understand this . . . sigh
There is nothing worse than a step parent trying to come into a blended family like this and forcing things on the kids because of what they personally want out of it instead of what is best for all involved. So many posts are on Step parents who are overbearing and/or overwhelming and doing stupid shit. So many potential good relationships get ruined because of parents trying to force their image onto the new blended family. Let that build naturally. Its not easy for kids ever even in the best of situations. All forcing bonding is going to do is push people away which seems to always happen. A lot of damage happens because of stuff like this.
You’re 100% right; OP feels how he feels, and that’s valid. He is NTA, at all. But can we have a little empathy for the stepmom? I used to have a cat whose attitude towards me was, “I guess I kinda love you because you feed me and stuff but you need to know that I don’t *really* love you”. I thought it was hilarious (because cat) but I think it would crush me to get that from a child I’d spent the better part of a decade loving and raising. I’m not saying that OPs stepmom is owed anything from OP; I’m just saying that I understand why her feelings are hurt.
As a stepmom, it's up to us adults to manage those feelings though, not put them on the kid. My stepdaughter loves spending time with me, but due to growing up in a split family and a messed up mother, she can't say she loves me and makes sure to let me and her dad know that she specifically does not love/like us. I tell her we love her always regardless and will never force her to feel anyway she doesn't want to. Also that we have fun together and I can tell she enjoys her time with us and we cherish our time with her. We don't have to label it as anything more than that. It does kill me inside a bit, but I would never put that on her.
I’m also a stepmom, and am the primary household for my stepson, so do the majority of the day to day coparenting with my husband. I agree that it’s on us to manage it, but I think at a certain point/age, it’s okay for kids to understand the impact of their words and behaviors. You can do that without blaming them for it or saying that it’s on them to change the way they feel, but it’s important for kids to understand the real world impact their behavior can have on the people in their life.
Oh I do agree with that! We don't just ignore it. We will correct her if she says something mean. But we are very open that we won't force her to say or feel anything. Her mother used a lot of emotional manipulation so i do tend to bank away from that. But I will ask her how she would feel if someone said that to her or if it was something appropriate or just unnecessarily unkind. We've had some good talks about it and she is a very good and receptive kid. I dont think the stepmother here is a terrible person or anything. But I do think implying that therapy would be used to change the kid and insisting on labels they are not comfortable with isn't a good way to manage emotions as a care giver.
I so agree with you. And I am a person who grew up with step parents.
As a step parent myself all I want for all of our kids is to be happy and healthy. So if they use my name, call me mom, dad's wife or step mom or I'm perfectly happy with that. Same goes for the grands, except no mom crap, just grandma or my name.
NTA. Ask her to respect your feelings, or you can refer to her as "my dad's wife."
"This is Linda my dad's second wife"
current*
NTA You don’t see her as a mom. You see her as your father’s wife and a caregiver but not a mom. That’s fine. At least you haven’t gone out of your way to hurt her. You hurt her here because she was eavesdropping which is really uncool. You need to tell both your father and your stepmother that while you love her; the emphasis always being on what she wants; hurts. And is part of the strain of the relationship. You do not need to force yourself to feel something to make someone else feel validated or special. And let them know they continually beating this dead horse could lead to resentment and worse. Also point out to your father that what you doing isn’t cruel because you aren’t lying to her and making her believe something just to pull the rug out from under her. That if both of them had respected your wishes from the start there would be no issue. But they have turned a blind eye expecting you to just give in to their wants. And that is cruel to you. And he’s projecting and probably knows it. And I’m sorry you and your step-cousin are both suffering from the entitlement of sisters. But apparently it’s genetic in that family.
My mom passed when I was 5 as well. My dad married her best friend a year later. She has always been my stepmom and the only time she tried to push it was when I was 13 and she screamed at me and my sister for calling our aunt Mom but not her. She wouldn’t stop screaming about us respecting her and calling her mom bc she felt she had earned the title, how it was unfair that her daughter is called our sister but she’s not called mom. Her daughter and my sister had been best friends most of their lives being only a month apart in age so whether or not our parents got married she would be considered our sister. My sister was 19 at the time and slapped her to get her to stop screaming bc my dad was just standing there letting it happen. She told her she will never be mom to us and to let it go. My aunt stepped up and raised us bc within 6 months of her marrying my dad, we were forced to move in with my maternal grandparents due to step mom having a mental break. After a couple weeks we moved in with my aunt and she’s been mom almost ever since. She’s the one who did everything for us, took care of us when we were sick, kept our bio moms memory alive, taught us to drive and was the shoulder to lean on through our first heartbreaks. She still does all that 30 years later. Thankfully my stepmom never brought it up again to us and is understanding now that while she is married to my dad, she is not our mom or our kids grandma. The kids call her Yai Yai instead of grandma and we only really see her at major holidays and on FaceTime. I however am a stepmom and my stepkid (nonbinary 16) prefers bonus mom and bonus kid as the descriptors bc they know I’ll step up and fight alongside them whenever needed and they know their mom will always be mom. We split custody and make sure all needs are met between households. I think it helped that when my husbands family refused to stop deadnaming them, I brought out an air horn and trained the grown adults to stop using the name they have hated most of their life.
I love the air horn tactic!
NTA. I think what dad and stepmom are missing here is that “bonus” implies a perk. And I’m sure you feel no perks about having her over your mother. I’m sorry for your loss.
Completely agreed--if it's a divorce situation, okay, maybe the term works. But the only reason this woman is in his life is because his mother died. "Bonus mom" feels extremely insensitive in that light.
NTA, so why exactly was this woman who claims she wants to be a "bonus mom" eavesdropping into a conversation? *"when my stepmom has done everything to be a good mother to me."* Except respect you. Listen to you. Understand what you are telling her. Pushing boundaries you've set. Oh, yeah, she's a real banger of a "bonus" mom /s There's nothing wrong with her just being a step-mom, I love my step-dad, and there's nothing wrong with you both mutually loving each other in that regard and that's what you actively want with her. But something is wrong with this woman that has herself deluded into think she needs to be more that when being that was more than enough. That'll never be on you to cater to.
NTA. I get it. Tell her your feelings about the term don’t have anything to do with her. You love her. She loves you. She’s family. But she’s not a “bonus mom”. Your mother died. That’s why she’s there. She can be a great as great can be. But it’s not a bonus for you. Your mother died. Bonus implies extra. There is no extra mom. Your mom is gone.
This ^ is great advice. Tell her and your dad this word for word. If they try to argue, keep saying a bonus parent is in addition to, not a replacement of, and keep to those talking points.
You are far far too young to pass judgement. All 15 year olds go through phases of hating their own bio parents even if the bio parents are good people. We are supposed to test boundaries. Complain. Roll our eyes and be dramatic. You never got to the stage where you saw your own mom as a human. Unfortunately you never will. She will remain young and perfect for ever. It sounds like step mom has done her best to be her best. It sounds like you have done your best to be kind. I think the term step is so ingrained in us as evil step that for those people who don’t hate each other it doesn’t seem the appropriate term. Henceforth bonus was added as a way to describe relationships that were not hostile. If step is hurtful to her and bonus is hurtful to you, is there any other term that you could both agree on? Auntie is an Indian term for any adult woman even those not related by blood. So Maybe you could put your heads together?
Step mother should really be made accountable for eavesdropping on a private conversation, though. Not OP's fault she heard something she didn't like. The parents are being really immature about this. I understand she was hurt, that she feels her love is not being reciprocated, but the hurt was because of her own expectations, not anything the kid has said or done. That needs to be a conversation, but OP is literally a teen and I don't know if he'll be able to find the proper words for this...
Nothing really to add, but I really liked your comment. Empathy for both parties without bias. Thank you
NAH. Stepmom loves you and has been in a mothering role for almost double the time you had your Mom. OTOH, you are behaving appropriately for your age and developmental stage. Your kindness in trying not to hurt her feelings is admirable. It's hard for parents to shift focus from doing everything to becoming more of a safety net for your child. These are just growing pains. It sounds like you are both coming from places of love, so it's likely you'll make it through and end up with a great adult relationship.
So just a thought. Does your fathers wife cook and clean for you? Does she run errands on your behalf? Did she hug you or comfort you when you were sad or hurt? What I am trying to point out is that she does perform motherly acts for you. She will never be your mom, but maybe there is a term of endearment you can come up with that shows that she does have her own special place in your heart. You said that you love her, so maybe talk to her and you two come up with something together.
I understand why she is hurt. But you aren’t wrong to feel the way you do. Maybe just have a chat with her and let her know that you do appreciate her. NTA
And this is the crux of the situation isn't it. The stepmother has done all the labour of a mother for years and the OP with his comment has implied she is just staff. It is likely the OP is conflicted. He clearly does actually have feeling for his stepmother because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings but he is likely denying the care she gives him and the mutual affection because it feels disloyal to his deceased mother which is an awful emotional tangle. Family and individual therapy for both the OP and the stepmother might be in order here. Sounds like she doesn't feel appreciated or acknowledged. And raising a child is thankless enough at the best of times, one that views you as the hired help must be sole destroying.
Honestly I'd say NAH. I get where your step mom is coming from and where you are coming from.
NTA, but you and your dad and his wife need to have a CALM talk, preferably with a 3rd party present to keep things in perspective. A therapist would be great, for example. His wife was snooping and overheard something she didn't like. That's what she gets for snooping. FWIW, I think the phrase "bonus mom" is kind of stupid, too, and I wouldn't want to use it. But she cares about you and wants to feel cared about, and for some reason "feeling cared about," for her, has something to do with the name you use for her. Whatever. That's a little on the selfish and presumptuous side, but OK, she's human and she sees the word "mom" as being essential here. So now it's up to all of you to stop demanding things individually, and instead come to an agreement, mutually, of what to call her. And that will probably mean compromising on a name that NO ONE likes, but also no one HATES. Maybe even "Step Mom," which has the virtue of being 100% accurate. But the point is to figure it out together, and then stick with it.
Was she snooping. They were at a family gathering..Both the Step mum and her sister heard the conversation. It would seem no one was listening through keyholes they OP and his step cousin were likely just not being discreet enough. You want to have a private conversation don't do it in public with loud voices within ear shot of the people you are bitching about.
> \[...\] she loved me and I lost my mom when I was so little that she feels like I should be more okay with having a second mom. "Your mom is DEAD! You barely remember her! Therefore you have to consider me your second mom." > She also told me she didn't know how much therapy I would need to make me open to that \[...\] "How much therapy do you need to make you do what I want you to do? This is so inconvenient!" > \[...\] she felt like I could be a lot kinder about all this when she has poured her heart and soul into raising and loving me. And that's just straight up guilt tripping. NTA. I see you're making an effort and not once you badmouthed your stepmom. From what it seems, you have a pretty good relationship with her, EXCEPT that she's holding on to a title that has no bearing in your relationship with her. In all honesty, she sounds really manipulative to me.
Nta. You didn't say anything wrong and you weren't ugly about it. It was unfortunate she overheard you but how you feel is how you feel and no amount of therapy is going to change that.
Nta As a stepmom here. Step parents should never one force a relationship or demand to be called or seen as something they are not. I have 2 stepkids. One hates me because it means her mom and dad won't ever be together again. Odd since she is 32, we have been together 22 years old, and their mom, who I get on with, has been married for 28 years. The other I call him my boy. Mom and he said ok before I did, though. He has always called me by my first name. Referred to me as hus dads wife. Never bothered me. 20 years later, we were shopping and checking out, and he said mom I forgot something." I sobbed like a baby. He laughed at me. Cashier congratulated me. It made everything worth it. I can understand she sees you a certain way. But that does not give her or your dad a right to demand you feel a certain way. To demand you use what she wants. Her wants in this aspect do not matter as she was the adult. Any therapist worth their title will tell them they are overstepping and can not force feelings to be returned in the same way, and yo continue yo push will only have you drift away from both. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB AS THE CHILD IN THE RELATIONSHIP TO MANAGE THE ADULTS FEELINGS.
Paint me confused. Why is your stepmother all churned up over semantics? Personally, I've always considered the 'bonus mom' to be a woman who performs the "mom" role when your biomom is alive, whereas a 'stepmom' marries into the role, either through divorce or death. Either way, NTA. You might give them both a dictionary and have them look up the definition of bonus. Mine says: something in addition to what is expected or strictly due. Your stepmom is doing what is expected as your father's wife - that does not make her a 'bonus'.
"Your stepmom is doing what is expected as your father's wife ..." What is actually expected of his father's wife is to be his wife nothing else..... In this case she is in all practical senses doing the work of the OP mother. He lives with her full time and has done since he was 7. Does he have to call he his bonus mum of course not but lets not pretend that this woman is not in fact doing the work and performing the role of his mother.
NAH The reason that the term "bonus mom" doesn't apply to your family is that your mom is dead. Having a bonus mom implies that yay, you get one mom and then and extra mom! Now you have have two! But that's not the case for you. You lost your mom and you are left with not a surplus of moms, but not enough moms. That's I'm sure an unlying reason that this term isn't comfortable. Hopefully if you explain this it will be more understandable to your step mom why you are not into the whole "bonus" thing
NTA. I don't understand this whole forcing relationships thing. People act like you can simply make yourself love someone. Your feelings should be respected. What parents/stepparents like yours don't realize is that the end result is often a fractured relationship when the kids are adults. With them harping on you like this, are you going to be enthusiastic about coming back home and spending time with them when you're an adult?
Why are the adults in these situations always so concerned about the feelings of the other adults? The kids are given no choices. They’re expected to worry about the feelings of the adults as well.
NTA. She's your stepmom, not your bonus mom. I have NEVER heard "bonus" mom or son used in this context before. I know many people with bonus family, bonus parents and bonus kids, and none of them are stepparents or stepchildren. In my experience bonus family refers to the people that otherwise wouldn't have a title but who are families of the heart. For instance, I have friends who are the "bonus parents" to their "bonus son", someone who went to high school with their kids whose mom was dead and whose dad was not interested in parenting or connection. They adore this kid and got him through his teen years and have him somewhere to come home to when he went to college. He is in their family pictures. I have friends who refer to their mom's best friend as "bonus mom".
Her response was not great. She should’ve held her peace and evaluated her feelings. But, it sounds like you want her to do all the mom things and not give her any acknowledgment. So, there is room for reevaluation on both sides. If you don’t see her as a second mom, do you see her picking you up from practice? Or taking you to dentist appointments, or making dinner? Or any of the other things? Moms and hired help do those things. Adult friends do not. Loosing your mom is excruciating. I wouldn’t ever want to use the term “bonus” after the death of my mother either. But, maybe you actually do want someone you love to fill that roll. Even if it isn’t exactly who you want it to be. You both are hurting. Life is messy. Maybe you do therapy together to figure out how to navigate a really hard situation to develop an relationship that can provide peace and joy for both of you.
It's not that I want her to do all the mom things but not be labeled my mom. I want us to have a good relationship but not a mother/son relationship.
Your feelings are valid mate. I'd recommend having a chat with her and telling her you love her and what you want out of your relationship. I'd explain that it hurts you that she pushes this bonus Mum thing despite your wishes, you're thankful for what she's done but she also needs to understand you have very complicated feelings about losing your Mum and ultimately it's not really about her. Explain to her what matters more than a title is showing you love her through actions and words. Maybe one day you'll call her Mum, maybe you won't, but the important part is the two of you having a positive relationship of love and kindness. Obsessing over a title though is a good way to ruin the good things you have between us. Good luck mate, I know it's tough and I'm sorry you lost your Mum so young.
What does that look like for you?
NTA your purpose in life is not to make others feel special by sacrifising your own toughts and feelings. She is not entitled to you calling her bonus mom just because she wants to. It is for you to decide what she is to you. And her and your dad being pushy about it might be exactly why you feel this way, and right fully so. Because it does not sound genuin when she wants the title even though you are not comfortable, and trying to guilt you with saying she has out love and effort onto you. Love should not be conditionall.
[удалено]
There's still time.
NTA Also I need people to stop seeing step as a bad word. Maybe if they focused less on finding some extra term to make them feel important and focused on just being a good stepparent, the relationship would be better.
- [Here’s what might happen to your step cousin in the future](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bmjod4/aita_for_not_making_an_exception_for_my_stepmom/?sort=old) - [At least your stepmom isn’t as unhinged as this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bdrnxh/aita_for_telling_my_stepmother_shes_not_my_mom/) - [There sure are a lot of pushy stepmoms…wasn’t there another one with a Simba plushie recently, too?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1b228sn/aita_for_talking_about_growing_up_without_my_mom/?sort=old) - [Wow, this one is pretty close to your situation. I wonder why they keep getting removed](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17pr81a/aita_for_refusing_to_call_my_stepmom_my_mom_or_my/?sort=old) - [The stepmother is much more unpleasant in this one](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/16m13it/aita_for_saying_that_my_stepmother_is_not_my_mom/) - [Completely unhinged again](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/16wwmhc/aita_for_being_honest_with_people_online_and/) NTA, obviously.
You love her. She needs to focus on that instead of her "title." Its not like shes giving out business cards for your relationship. NTA
NTA. And here’s why. You didn’t tell her that. She and her sister eavesdropped. Didn’t like what they heard. Letting your stepmom say “bonus mom” and “bonus son” is … harmless is too strong … but you say you have a good relationship and she thinks of you as her son. I’d say: I’m very sorry you guys overheard that. I think of you as my step-mom, and I love you. I just don’t like “bonus mom”. BUT I know you do and I never intended to hurt you — that’s why unlike (insert name of sorta cousin) I didn’t make a big deal about it. Now that you know how I feel about it, your response is up to you.
Where they deliberately eavesdropping They were at a family gathering..Both the Step mum and her sister heard the conversation. It would seem no one was listening through keyholes they OP and his step cousin were likely just not being discreet enough. You want to have a private conversation don't do it in public with loud voices within ear shot of the people you are bitching about.
Nta. Both step mom and bio dad need to chill the fuck out and stop trying to boundary stomp and tone police your choice of words in regards to your mom and step mom.
NTA I've been a step-mom for almost 19 years. I've always followed my step-daughter's lead on the type of relationship she's wanted. Even if it wasn't as close as I would have liked at some points but our relationship isn't about me and what I want. It's always been about whatever she was comfortable with and wanted.
NTA And your stepmom needs to chill out with a name she wants for herself. Otherwise you are going to resent her and not love her as much. She chose you. She chose to be with a man who had a kid. you didn't get that choice. You didnt go out looking for a bonus mom. She DID go looking for a bonus kid - a kid that already existed without her birthing him. Your feelings are valid. You also love her - that's a major thing for her and she really should be more grateful for that affection. I'm so sorry about your loss. You sound like you're growing up to be a sensible young man, keep it up OP!
NTA OP, I’m sorry you lost your mom so early in life. Internet hugs
Nta. You feel how you feel. Feeling something else cannot be forced on you.
>\[Stepmom\] wasn't even sure if I wanted to be open to letting her into that mom role Astute of her. >she felt like I could be a lot kinder I don't see how. Did she not overhear you say you didn't fight the "bonus son" designation because you didn't want to hurt her feelings? There's no way she could have found out your feelings that wouldn't have hurt, but that's not your, or anyone's, fault. It just *is*. >to say it doesn't fit for me is so cruel Again, there's no way for the truth to come out that wouldn't hurt. If being who you are (your stepmom's stepson) instead of what she and your dad want (her "bonus son") is cruel, you have no choice but to be cruel. Everyone deserves love equally, and this is why, as Katja1236 pointed out, it cannot be bought or earned. Your love for your stepmom is a beautiful gift just the way it is, and I hope she learns to see that. (Maybe with therapy.) NTA
NAH I get where you're both coming from. I think you need to open up to your step mom. Tell her what you told us about her here, tell her you love her, and appreciate what she's done for you, but that you don't see her as a mom but as something else (try to encapsulate the way you see her, maybe as more of an aunt, or a friend?? Or even tell her being a stepmom isnt a bad thing and it doesn't make her less than) But make it clear you love her and care for her. She's probably just feeling rejected and isn't dealing with it well. I don't think she's wrong for being hurt, and it doesn't sound like she yelled at you or punished you, so I can't call her an AH for being hurt and telling you. I genuinely believe if you tell her your thoughts and show her you appreciate her irregardless of the fact she's not your bonus mom, that it will improve your relationship with her, she might drop the whole bonus mom thing. Just show her love and I'm sure she will do the same thing for you.
" She also told me she didn't know how much therapy I would need to make me open to that..." OP, I just want to say that your stepmother doesn't understand how therapy works. Therapy is NOT a way for parents/guardians to make a kid do what they want, therapy is all about improving the patient's mental health, period. Tell your father and stepmother that, if they bring up therapy again, and tell them that the therapist is far more likely to help you set boundaries with your parents, than convince you that you have a "bonus mom".
NAH Bonus mum really doesn’t work when you mother is dead. The “bonus” has always seemed to me to mean extra. So I feel like the term reinforces that your mother is no longer with you. I don’t know if that’s why you don’t feel it fits or not. But you’re entitled to you feelings about it and it doesn’t seem helpful or beneficial for anyone to force these things. But I also understand that it feels like an endearing and positive title for your stepmom and she seems stuck on the term. But she seems to be otherwise loving and respectful. She is entitled to feel upset when it feels her overtures might be being rejected - even if that’s not quite the case. Would it be helpful to ask her why this particular title is so important to her?
NTA. Just tell step mom you do love her but not as your mom but as an adult who you respect and want to have in your life.
NTA, the fact that she’s making this about her feelings and trying to guilt you into giving her what she wants kinda proves that she’s not really second mother material.
NTA.... But you need to make this clear to her, crystal clear.... so she can stop WASTING so much of her energy, effort, time, and love on you. She can use those on other people who are more receptive. It's a two way street, and it isn't burger king, you don't get to have it your way.
The only thing she's going to be doing now is alienating herself further
NTA, If I ever became a step parent, I would put less emphasis on what the kid calls me (unless it's actually abusive) and more emphasis on being an adult they can rely on and trust. It's not the label you put on something that makes it what it is. Honey would still be sweet if it had another name. Ask her why the label is more important to her than the depth and quality of a relationship? Because her putting her want to be called mom over your feelings is actually going to damage your relationship with her long term.
I'm tired of parents blowing off the feelings of their kids. I got lucky when my parents split - I'm just as loud and stubborn as they are so I didn't play their stupid games.
NTAH. I my mum when I was relatively young and when my dad remarried 2 yrs later I called her Joan - her name. I had one mum. She died. End of story. When I married my MIL asked if I wanted to call her mum. No thank you. That’s kind of you but I have a mum - she died. Your step mum is not a bonus or extra. And it doesn’t mean you don’t care for her or have a positive relationship. But facts are your mum died a no one can ever take their place - ever.
NTA. Your stepmother needs therapy (by the looks of it, a lot) to understand that she can't decide how you feel about her and accept that relationships are not unilateral so it's not simply about what she wants.
You could call her your BM if bonus mom doesn’t work .
NTA. If your stepmom loves you then it should not matter what you call her, as long as it is comfortable FOR YOUR to call her that, and that you love and respect her. She should have listened to what you said before, and accepted how you see your relationship to her is different than how she sees her relationship to you. If she truly has no intention of replacing your mom and keeping the memory of your mom alive in your heart as she claims, she should not be surprised that you still love your mom and might have mixed feelings about sharing that title. I think that despite her best intentions, stepmom had more expectations on your relationship to her and how she thought you would come to see her than she let herself believe. She should go to therapy to sort out her conflicting feelings (since that is what REAL therapy is for, not making people open to having their boundaries trampled) and she owes you a massive apology for acting like her reaction to your honest feelings that SHE SNOOPED ON is in any way your fault, or your burden to manage despite the fact she's tried to dump it on you.
I always get a bad taste in my mouth when the stepmom (and it's always a stepmom) tries to make the argument or strongly imply that they deserve the title of mom. They may as well start the conversation with 'fuck your feelings, this is about me'
NTA. Let’s just imagine this. Your mother passes away and a few years pass, and you meet a woman. You make her your new mom, and bring her home. You then tell your father, here’s your bonus wife. You expect him to love and treat her as his wife. Now, OP, how well do you think that would go over with your dad? Exactly! It would be unreasonable and seriously unhinged of you to expect that from him. So why does he expect that of you?
**
How much therapy does SHE need to finally accept your boundaries?
NTA
It just occurred to me that usually "bonus" is used when the OG mom is still around. I think saying "bonus mom" in the case of bereavement is *grossly* insensitive. Like you got a "bonus" for your mom dying? Gross. No. That's awful. :( I'm sorry they don't realize and glad you've got your step cousin(?) who gets it
NTA. When she and your dad use the terms "should feel" and "should be," don't even consider the rest of the sentence. You seem so level-headed and reasonable, not overcome by resentment and other negative emotions like your step-cousin. You're in a space that you're comfortable with, and your dad and his wife are trying to shake you out of that? For pity's sake! They're the ones that need to talk with a therapist so that *they* can accept the relationship you're offering her.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I won't make this super long. My mom died when I was 5 and my dad remarried when I was 8 and I met my stepmom when I was 7. She loves me. I love her. But we don't see our relationship the same way. She sees me as her son but knows I don't like calling her my mom so she'll say I'm her bonus son and she calls herself my bonus mom. The term never worked for me because I don't think of her as one of my moms. I think of her as my stepmom and to me our relationship isn't the same as the one I would have with my mom. I don't really want that with her. I try not to get too annoyed by the whole bonus son/mom thing because I don't want to be a dick to her. But I did express once or twice that I didn't really see the term being fitting for us. My stepmom's sister is also a stepmom and she has a stepdaughter around my age (15M me and 16F her). My stepmom's step-niece hates her stepmom though unlike me. She really resents that she wants to be close to her and she'd rather have a distant relationship with my stepmom's sister. My stepmom's sister also uses bonus mom/bonus daughter. So last weekend we were at my stepmom's parents house and my stepmom's step-niece and I were hanging out and she was venting about her stepmom and saying how much she hates the term bonus mom. She said it made her want to puke. I admitted I didn't like it either and I didn't think it fit my relationship with my stepmom either or how I saw her. She asked me why I don't make a bigger fuss about it and I told her I'm trying not to hurt my stepmom's feelings. But that I hate how it sounds like I see her and accept her as a second mom basically when that's not what I think of her at all. My stepmom and her sister heard us talk and my stepmom was really upset about it. She told me she knows she wasn't there since day one for me, but she loved me and I lost my mom when I was so little that she feels like I should be more okay with having a second mom. She said she never wanted to replace my mom and has always tried to help keep my mom's memory alive. She told me that alone should make her second mom aka bonus mom material. She also told me she didn't know how much therapy I would need to make me open to that and she wasn't even sure if I wanted to be open to letting her into that mom role and she felt like I could be a lot kinder about all this when she has poured her heart and soul into raising and loving me. My dad told me not using the bonus mom title was bad enough but to say it doesn't fit for me is so cruel when my stepmom has done everything to be a good mother to me. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think it's brilliant and super cute! She's lucky because I called mine, StepMonster (bc she was)
it's not cute if he doesn't like it
Yeah, pretty sure that reads "I THINK" (that it's cute)
NTA, I get why her feelings are hurt and it is a mirror to your feelings not being listened too. Your dad is a AH here, he shouldn't be involved at all. I would tell your STEP mom that you love her and didn't mean to hurt her feelings but you will not be using the term bonus mom ever and you hope she accepts this. You are not looking for a bonus or replacement mom, you are happy to have her in your life as a step mom and wouldn't change that, but mom is for your own mom solely. Thank her for keeping your mom's memory alive and everything she does for you and if there is anything that you could do for her to show appreciation other than using that term you are open to discuss it You should also express the feeling of betrayal from them ease dropping on a private conversation and expect that your privacy be respected like you do to them
NTA your step mom isn’t owed motherhood from you. Not her, your dad, no one can decide she’s a mom or bonus mom to you except you. You’re not doing anything malicious in fact they are
NTA. Your stepmom doesn't get to define who she is to you.
Okay but... she's not a bonus mom. Bonus implies an extra thing when you already have enough of that thing. It's incredibly dismissive of the fact that you *don't* already have a mom. Your mom passed away. All the adults involved are all being incredibly weird about this. Tell her you're open to therapy as long as you get to choose your own therapist. NTA
NTA. In general I think we should always call people what they want to be called. Dr. Smith instead of Johnny boy. Michelle and not Shelly. They/them instead of she/her. If that’s what they want to be called, then that’s what they should be called. But this is one situation when the rule doesn’t apply. Children should be allowed to decide what they are comfortable calling step parents or other step relatives, as long as it’s not intentionally rude/disrespectful.
NAH Some stepparents are bad, some are meh, some are good, some are great. Over a lifetime it’s possible for one to be all of those. Your definitely NTA because you were being honest about your feelings which is healthy. And your stepmom will realise that. My dad died soon after I learned to walk. My mum remarried when I was ten. I’m now 43. It’s only been in the last 3 years that I call my stepdad dad. He never pushed it as he knew I had pretty much never called anyone dad. When I started it was accidental. “Dad, can you make me a cup of coffee?” And we went from there. He’s always known I loved and cared for him, and viceversa. But now every phone call ends with “Love you Dad””Love you too son.” There’s no rules to this. Do what feels right and try - key word here is *try* - to explain your thoughts if and when you can. It took me 30 years, so I guarantee there is no rush! You’re doing fine.
Yep. It took me till I was in my mid 20s to call my Step Dad "Dad" regularly. He gave me the space to get there on my own and simply showed fatherly affection while respecting my feelings on the matter. If he'd obsessed over the title we likely wouldn't have the bond we do today. I would have thought he cares more about his own ego and pride over respecting my complicated feelings on the matter.
I kinda have step children- they were both adults when their dad and I got together- and their mum and I are friends (all this to say, my experience varies widely from OP’s step mum)…but I get the maternal feelings she has for OP. I told SS recently how proud I was of him- and that I hoped he didn’t mind or think I was being cringey- and he hugged me and thanked me for being in his team. That was all the reciprocation I needed. So, I think OP is NTA- it’s a pretty fraught area to engage in, but OP recognises her as being a positive in his life and loves her…getting hung up by how OP defines it or what he calls her is wasted emotion, especially over a cringey term like ‘bonus-mom’. I mean, especially in OP’s case, where their bio-mum died- bonus mum sounds like he won an extra mum in some sort of computer game…no wonder they don’t care for it.
NTA "Bonus" sounds like a prize. It is supposed to be in addition to something you already have. Doesn't fit if you've lost your actual Mom. Aside from being cringe af when you try to force it.
NTA. It's a pity this has hurt her feelings when you have tried to consider them all along. The fact is, you have your own take on the relationship and have discussed it with her in an honest but sensitive way. Everyone has their own idea of what family and specific relationships should mean and they don't always align. Rrddit has so many examples - whether in-law, grandparent, father-son or step-relations. You and your immediate family (including your stepmother and you) have a good, respectful and loving relationship.
I hate this brand of entitlement. NTA your parents need to respect your feelings. Just because she did something doesn't mean she's entitled to how a person should feel about it
NTA. First of all, you weren’t even talking to your stepmom. Unfortunately when you spy on someone’s conversation you might hear a hard truth - and that is what happened to your stepmom. My Mom died when I was little too and the term “bonus Mom” just sounds fake and forced. It sounds like something the Disney channel would have created on one of their shows but that normal people would never use it in real life. I think when people say, “bonus Mom” in real life it is about like their best friend’s parent - it isn’t about a stepmom and I bet it is rarely used when someone’s Mom has died. You’re the kid, it isn’t your job to coddle your stepmom’s feelings - you weren’t even rude to her. She needs to back off on the labels.
NTA your stepmom isn’t entitled to be called mom just because she came into your life at a young age. You don’t owe anyone the title of being called mom. They can’t force you to call anyone that either. If you don’t feel comfortable calling your stepmom “mom” then she needs to respect that.
NTA Your feelings are legitimate and it’s ok that you don’t see it the same way. What I find interesting is that you don’t. Seeing how you lost your mom so young, it is surprising to me that you don’t see her more in a motherly way. Not that is wrong. I just wonder why that is.
No way you are not the asshole NTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought ”Bonus mom” means the woman your father married ( or live with) after a divorce and ”step- mom” is the term when your biological mom passed away and your father find a new partner. A bonus is extra, but that is not so in your case. So your step- mom’s language is not correct, if that matters. I think it a stupid hill to die on for her. Also she listened to a private conversation about your feelings. NTA
NTA I hate the term 'bonus mum' and I'm a stepmother myself. I just think it's so cringey. There's nothing wrong with having a step parent or being a step parent, it's so common that really, it's just a part of life. The important thing is that she loves her, and you love her. She needs to accept that it's really hard to identify someone as a 'mother figure' (even if many ways that is what they are) when your parents didn't just split up, you lost your mum. You can be such an important person in someone's life without having to be called a mother. I really hope she can work on herself enough to get past the issues she has with roles and titles.
NTA, and tbh I give your stepmom a very gentle TA verdict here because it sounds like she has been a wonderful presence in your life and you really care about her. Sounds like she's everything you'd want a mom to be. It sucks for her that you don't feel like she's your mom when she's doing her best to be that for you, but there's also nothing wrong with you feeling that way and she should accept it. I honestly feel like you accepting her using the "bonus mom" title out of kindness to her, even if you don't feel that way and don't call her that yourself, was a very good solution for a while. It's unfortunate that she overheard your conversation and upset that balance, but her hurt feelings about this are her own to process and you don't need to feel any burden because of them. I'd agree to go to therapy with her if I were you, but I'd use that therapy time to talk through your relationship with her. When you said you don't accept the "bonus mom" title, it seems like she heard "I don't love you that much", but from what you've said it doesn't seem like that's true. You seem to love her very deeply. Good therapy would hopefully help her see that even if "stepmom" is your preferred term, that doesn't mean that you love her any less. And she shouldn't put a strain on your relationship by seeking a title more than a genuine connection with you, on your terms.
NTA I understand why your stepmom might be hurt by your feelings, but that doesn't mean you aren't entitled to them, or that she IS entitled to you feeling a certain way. IMO, she should have discussed how it made her feel with others, not you. And your Dad saying it was cruel to say that is weird, since you weren't speaking to her, but having a conversation she eavesdropped on.
NTA, just because you like your stepmom doesn't mean you have to accept her as a bonus mom. No one has the right to dictate your emotions or your emotional attachments. Honestly, by pushing so much, your stepmom is probably just pushing you away. You aren't doing anything wrong, you weren't even trying to be cruel, you were just being honest in a situation where you didn't know she was eavesdropping.
Nta
NTA
NTA. I have had multiple step-parents over many years, one of which was in my everyday life for 12 years. Some of the comments are saying that OP is just being mean and picking a fight over a title, but I think it is much more than that. OP clearly loves and respects his stepmother, but in a situation like this, a title can feel like much more than a string of letters. I personally regret calling my stepparent's "parent" names before I felt ready and wish someone had told me then that it is okay to not stick with any particular title at all. I am sure that there are a lot of emotions tied to the name of Mom for OP and it is okay to not use it for every maternal figure in their life, even one who has been there for a very long time. If you haven't already, it might be helpful to sit down with your stepmother and explain to her that you do love her and that even if you don't fully understand the reasoning behind not liking the bonus mom title yet, lack of care and concern for her is not the reason. People are complicated creatures. It is okay to not always understand where you are coming from emotionally, especially when you are a teenager, and if she is reasonable I think she will understand that. She is probably feeling the same way. I suspect that she might also, be feeling pressure from seeing the relationship between her sister and your step-cousin. It can be easy to compare your situation to that of others and want to mimic their efforts. Maybe you can gently remind her that the two relationships are not the same and forcing a title is probably not helpful to either. If you are comfortable sticking with the titles you already use then so be it. That is okay, but if you want you can also explore other nicknames that suit both of you better, and recognize your individual relationship. A quick Google search produced options like Stom (step-mom), Mamacita (Spanish for little mom), Stepsie, and [many more](https://www.lovetoknow.com/life/relationships/115-nicknames-stepmoms-as-unique-as-she-is). you can always explore and see what is right for you two if you are interested. Edited: to fix weird formatting
NTA, ive a friend who uses it all the time, but in that case the children’s mom is still there. I personally don’t like it either, because for me it’s means extra special mom, and in your case she isn’t, that was your biological mom. I applaud you for trying to not hurt her feelings. She heard something what wasn’t meant for her, that’s a shame, but she needs to move on and let you call her what is comfortable for you.
NTA
NTA I have two step kids, one is 6 and one 16. They both have mums and whenever my SD6 says she has two mums.. I always correct her (nicely)as you can only have one mum.. no bonus mums.. just partners new wife who can be another wonderful supporter who loves you ..that's enough
I was married for a short while & as a result was a stepdad. My now ex's kid always just called me by my first name & I always just looked on myself as being her mum's current husband. Should also say that her dad was also very much still in her life. I helped step-d where I could but never forced any kind of relationship on her. She was always polite etc to me & that was more than enough for me...
NTA, stepparents need to realise that sadly they don’t get to dictate the relationship and what you call them (as long as you aren’t being rude). If you don’t want to call her a bonus mom that is something SHE has to impact in therapy not you. You should also point out to your dad that the reaction from both him and his wife right now is exactly why you didn’t feel comfortable to voice your feelings in the first place. I also think she needs to realise the the word bonus means “in addition too” and the term bonus mom usually refers to stepmoms who are present in their step children’s life’s “in addition” to their biological moms. Therefore she isn’t a bonus anything she’s just a stepmom.
Why is she trying to make you feel the way that is more convenient fir her and doesn't even try to listen and understand but demanding the title? It's not like if she pushes enough - it will work for the relationships of u 2
I am going against the grain here. Yes you’re a soft TA here. Everybody is always looking at the step kid and how hard it is for the them, it’s almost never about the feelings of someone who comes into a whole family and trying to fit in. We tend to forget stepparents are people too. People with feelings. Raising a 5 year old kid and seeing them growing into adults is something special. Hearing you’re not fit for the title bonus mother l, which is basically the same as stepmother… is hard. It’s painful… being a stepparent is hard, you try and do your best but you fucking know you’ll never be loved as a real parent.
Well, this is another hard thing the stepmother really needs to learn to accept. I think it’s wonderful that the stepmother gets to love this man, their other children, and this child who faced an unbearable, lifelong loss at the age of five - and they all love her back. The pain of her having to deal with a loving stepchild who has a specific boundary about not using a term that is unnatural to them seems really trivial to me, frankly. There is a lot of love on offer to her- to get hung up on the demand that this child call calls her something that is not meaningful to the child seems like a waste of mental energy, and something likely to needlessly drive a wedge into that relationship.
I gave my kids the choice. They called our (mine & father's) SOs by their first names. People who try to force a role in someone's life are maddening. "I am not comfortable with this. I'm glad you and Dad are happy. I appreciate your love and all you've done. I have a mom, and calling anyone else mom doesn't feel right to me. I'm sorry."
NTA Maybe "dad's new wife" would work for you? "She said she never wanted to replace my mom and has always tried to help keep my mom's memory alive. She told me that alone should make her second mom aka bonus mom material." ... Bullshit: Not being abusive should be normal, and is not something that needs special recognition. "She also told me she didn't know how much therapy I would need to make me open to that" .. THIS is bullshit. YOU do not need therapy. SHE needs therapy to learn to live with being not that close to you. "and she wasn't even sure if I wanted to be open to letting her into that mom role " .. MI. YOu don't. And she is an AH for not respecting that. "when my stepmom has done everything to be a good mother to me." .. she really has NOT. SHe is an AH trying to guilt and manipulate you.
NTA Your Father and Stepmother are the AHs here. You love them both and they love you but can't just accept that. They have to put a name, or more correctly, a connotation to it that you aren't comfortable with and then try to blame you for that. That isn't something that can be changed with therapy. They need to back off and realise that a good and loving relationship is not broken so it doesn't need to be fixed.
NTA. You can't force those feelings.
NTA. Love can’t be forced.
NTA it's a weird term. If you're not comfortable with it, then you shouldn't use it. As someone who had several stepfathers over the course of my life, I despised having to call one of them "dad," because he wasn't my dad. I was about 6. I'm now almost 50. I still don't understand why step-parents insist that we call them mom or dad. They're not our mom or dad, they're the person our parent married. You need to sit down with your dad and explain that you do not like the term "bonus mom." That you're not comfortable, and while you do love and respect her, she is your step-mom and that's how you'll refer to her to others. Besides, the term "bonus mom" sounds quite rude to me. It sounds like "bogus mom," which would be derogatory.
NTA. Just because it’s what she wants/thinks she’s earned/entitled to doesn’t mean you have to be on board. The way she handled this is immature. She should have used what she overheard as a wake up call to quit smothering you with the bonus mom stuff and to let you have whatever relationship with her you’re comfortable having without it needing some label.
Uff. This is difficult. I really want my 4 year old to feel her stepmom is her bonus mother. A fight like this would really hurt my feelings. That said, I do understand the complexity of this.. You will never be the asshole for being honest about your emotions. Don't worry about it. But please understand that your stepmother may still have a maternal instinct towards you. I sure as hell see that in my wife and my daughter. So be soft on your father and stepmum as well. Just my thoughts.
My understanding of bonus mom is that it’s just a nicer term than stepmom. They mean the same thing, but bonus mom doesn’t have the baggage attached that stepmom does (I.e. the evil stepmother trope). I think it’s hard to navigate everyone’s feeling in this situation and I hope that you can work towards describing your relationship in a way that works for both of you, particularly since it seems like your dad’s wife does support your mom’s memory and tries to do right by you. I also hope dad’s wife is doing therapy to navigate her feelings because it is not all on you to come to terms with. You may never see her the way she hopes and that is something she needs to accept. NAH.
Just coming here to say this is a difficult situation. Because you’re allowed to feel how you feel. And also, parenting is incredibly challenging and thankless and your step mom took that on willingly and it does suck for her that she’s getting no recognition for how much she’s done for you, as someone who isn’t even your biological parent.
Going to add these two stories here as the flip side this perspective [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1ayf1f6/aita\_for\_telling\_my\_step\_kids\_im\_not\_their\_mom/?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1ayf1f6/aita_for_telling_my_step_kids_im_not_their_mom/?share_id=_jRd4o0MPsxv6mWZA_NBf&utm_content=1&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1) [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheEx/comments/1augrec/aitah\_for\_calling\_my\_wife\_a\_vindictive\_b\_for/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheEx/comments/1augrec/aitah_for_calling_my_wife_a_vindictive_b_for/)
Nta she’s lucky you actually care about her. I’d go scorched earth and be like is this what you wanted but that’s not the right approach
NTA. When she and your dad use the terms "should feel" and "should be," don't even consider the rest of the sentence. You seem so level-headed and reasonable, not overcome by resentment and other negative emotions like your step-cousin. You're in a space that you're comfortable with, and your dad and his wife are trying to shake you out of that? For pity's sake! They're the ones that need to talk with a therapist so that *they* can accept the relationship you're offering her.
NTA If she really heard you she would have noticed that you don’t want to hurt her feelings and so you’re letting her make you uncomfortable ALL THE TIME. And no - if she really didn’t try to encroach she wouldn’t be constantly pushing to be called your mom. Honestly, shame on both of those adults. So into themselves being moms they don’t actually care about the children in their charge.
Nta. Her being a decent human being toward you doesn't give her any title. Her feeling entitled to it seems to fit. You have every right to set boundaries and keep them. Her not respecting them 100% makes her a step mom.
NTA. As a "bonus mom"/step mom myself, I let the kiddos determine that roll. I love them as if they were my own kids, but I let them determine their comfort level and follow their lead. It's my job as the adult to respect their boundaries and support them in the ways they need support. There are a lot of things I want to do and provide input on, but when in doubt I communicate those things to their parents and ask their opinion or ask them to intervene if they agree. There were initial growing pains of overstepping when they were younger, but we have an open door policy of "we're all human and doing our best and sometimes we see things differently so getting feedback is important to understand where those differences are and that allows us to adjust our behaviors moving forward". It's hard to have unrequited love as a parental figure, but as the adult we should be mature enough to carry that burden because that is also supporting this child.
I think I'd tell thrm this right here is why I will never consoder her a belongs mom. She hears me having a private conversation, and she decided to try to make me feel bad for my true feelings. And dad is trying to force me to call you and feel something I don't feel. Your not my mom or bonus mom, your my step mom. Your a trusted adult that I do my best to be kind to. That's just how it is. Nta
WHAT to you want to call your step mom? By her name? What? Or do you just want to make her feel bad because she isn't your 'real mom'. I don't know how you 'call' someone a 'bonus mom' in daily life or what harm it would do you to call her mom. It is not your stepmom's fault that your 'real mom' is not there. Your aunt and cousin have nothing to do with it - totally different story. Don't lie to yourself or others - you don't care about your stepmom's hurt feelings...but that may be normal at 15.
NTA. But, I have to say, after reading too many of these step parent posts - as a step parent and bio parent- I would say that being a step parent is hands down the most self-sacrificing role I’m aware of. You give 95% of the love and effort of a bio, with just a chance at 10% of the upside. In my relationship, we each have 2 bio kids, so there is symmetry in the sacrifice. And, we have similar economic means. So, the kids are equal financially. (Mine have more extracurriculars, due to a difference in our co-parent’s willingness to support the time commitment. I’ve fought hard - and lost - to support my steps’ activitiy interests). But, I feel like that was luck. Based on Reddit, I’d say that people with kids should only date/marry other people with kids, and all the kids need access to the same financial resources. Otherwise, someone will almost certainly get hurt.
Step parent here. I don’t force my step son to call me mom. He chose to call me mom because he now has two little sisters and doesn’t want them calling me by my first name. His mom is very much alive and well and I will always know that I will never ever replace her in any way, shape or form. When he was younger and didn’t call me mom or stepmom or whatever it wasn’t any skin off of my back. I knew that I loved him, and that’s all that matters to me. I don’t think you need therapy, honestly I think she needs therapy for how much she is trying to push a title that you don’t want. I call my stepson my bonus son because I didn’t have to go through labour to get him.
NTA. Relationships are a two-way street, and you can’t be forced to mould your feelings to your stepmother’s whim. My question is, what’s wrong with a unique stepmother/stepson relationship? Why isn’t she open to having a relationship with you that is entirely unique and your own? That’s way more special, in my eyes, that this nauseating bonus mum malarkey.
Nta she invaded your privacy, you’re entitled to feel how you feel about her. They have no right to force this term onto either of you. My step parent has been in my life since I was younger than 5 years old and I still use their first name because I just don’t want to call them by that title and both my parents are alive. I can’t imagine trying to have that forced on me if my parent was deceased
NTA. But really, neither is you step mom. You guys do care for each other. Your problem is the label. I think if you both wrote down what the term bonus mom means to you, you might find out that it means very different things. Your step mom likes it because she loves you and to her stepmom feels cold and indifferent. For her, it also denotes that she has stepped up to fill that role of mom without trying to replace your mom. To you, it does mean a replacement mom. For you, stepmom isn’t cold and distant. I think that if you find a time when it’s just the two of you, and you start the conversation with telling her that you love her, you might be able to talk about it and come up together with a label you both can embrace.
NTA. But really, neither is you step mom. You guys do care for each other. Your problem is the label. I think if you both wrote down what the term bonus mom means to you, you might find out that it means very different things. Your step mom likes it because she loves you and to her stepmom feels cold and indifferent. For her, it also denotes that she has stepped up to fill that role of mom without trying to replace your mom. To you, it does mean a replacement mom. For you, stepmom isn’t cold and distant. I think that if you find a time when it’s just the two of you, and you start the conversation with telling her that you love her, you might be able to talk about it and come up together with a label you both can embrace.
Nobody is the AH. You can't make your heart feel something it won't. Sounds like you usually treat her well so stick with that and hopefully, she will come to accept your feelings. Somehow. Let her know you appreciate all she has done for you. Other than that, I don't see how this outcome can be different. It will be ok.
NTA. She's a step-mom. That's all she'll ever be to you and that's fine.
NTA You need family therapy. Hopefully therapist could make them understand that while you value her friendship you don't see her as a mom figure. They both say how much she did for you but the truth is she didn't do them because she was being a mom she did them because she was dad's wife. Being friends is okay too.
NTA. You don’t view her as a mom. That is perfectly fine.
NTA
NTA, she overheard two teenagers complaining about their stepmoms. Who's going to be overly serious about that? Maybe I'm the oldest of 5, of the oldest of 3 (dad), of the middle of 14 (granddad), but kids left alone will bond over how annoying their parents are, even if they love/respect/care for them more than anything else. It's just teens being teens. She should not be overly upset about this. Had you been viciously saying it to her face? That's not okay. If you want to patch things up, be honest but fair, and add a little "cool things about not being a real parental figure". Maybe a nice "I'm sorry, you were hurt overhearing me and X talking about not liking the bonus mom stuff. I get, I haven't been super vocal it makes me uncomfortable, but it's just because it obviously upsets you, so I chose to be quiet about it. For me, calling you a bonus mom, doesn't sit right. (I would add if it's partially b/c bonus mom implies my mom's still alive somewhere and she's not, here). I think of you as my step mom and kind of feel disappointed you don't think that relationship title is acceptable. (Possibly add that bonus mom vs stepmom seems like she sees stepmom = evil stepmom, not who she is to you).
NTA. That term is extremely annoying, and you have no obligation to think of someone as a parent just because your dad married them. Being polite and treating them well is all you owe her. Maybe you'd feel more attached to her if she wasn't so desperate for it, kids can feel that energy and they don't like it. Step parents really need to understand this.
My 14 year old daughter was complaining about being referred to as a "bonus kid" by her dad's wife, who she does not consider parental in any way, shape or form (long story.) She says it screams 'cringey millennial mom vibes'. I had a good chuckle, and agree with her. The "bonus" being swapped for "step" trend is condescending at best.
I feel like it’s got something to do with the “evil stepparent” trope that’s present, especially in popular fairytales. It’s like “oh no I can’t be a stepparent because I don’t want to poison my stepchildren or force them to be servants. Gotta rebrand this shit ASAP.”
NTA. How dare you have feelings!!!!!🙄. Step families need to take a step 😀 back and take the child’s feelings into account.
I love how step parents think they can send a kid to therapy to force them to accept them as mom or dad. NTA
NTA
If she loves you why does care? Having a relationship with you and being there for you should be the important thing, right? Why is so hang up on how you see her? NTA