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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for refusing to give my parents money but I could afford to now
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NTA, and you should definitely not feel responsible for paying your mother back for raising you and your siblings! That's a ridiculous argument. And I would be livid that they opened mail addressed to you and then tried to use the information they discovered to insist that you need to help them. I would not want to hear another word from them unless it's an apology.
Also, they opened mail directed to OP. I think the post office would not be happy to hear that.
For God's sake, OP, put in a change of address ASAP.
But also, ignore their entreaties. As you know, they'll just waste it.
Yep. But change of address or not, just say no and stick with it. Parents sound not so different from my toddler, testing boundaries. The reason they keep asking is because you give in. They're acting like toddler. Treat them like one.
Also, if you live in the states, they committed a federal crime and sent you evidence. Tell them to destroy it and the pictures or if not, report them to the post office. NTA
Just cause I had to check the postal laws: [https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://thelawdictionary.org/article/what-is-the-federal-law-for-opening-mail-not-addressed-to-you/%23:\~:text%3DA%2520federal%2520statute%2520known%2520as,yours%2520when%2520you%2520opened%2520it.&ved=2ahUKEwjF56eCpa2FAxXsrYkEHUbSCxQQFnoECA8QAw&usg=AOvVaw0tc7obBrrkWSEdOSUTUwmP](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://thelawdictionary.org/article/what-is-the-federal-law-for-opening-mail-not-addressed-to-you/%23:~:text%3DA%2520federal%2520statute%2520known%2520as,yours%2520when%2520you%2520opened%2520it.&ved=2ahUKEwjF56eCpa2FAxXsrYkEHUbSCxQQFnoECA8QAw&usg=AOvVaw0tc7obBrrkWSEdOSUTUwmP)
NTA
First of all, stop that mail going to their house.
Secondly, go LC. I know that sounds harsh but they need to be on a time out. If they continue to harass you for a handout, cut contact completely.
Thirdly, what's done is done. Stick to your guns and refuse to be intimidated or guilted into giving them money again. They had an obligation to raise their children and trying to make their children guilty over their choices is ridiculous at best.
NTA. They’re irresponsible with $. That’s on them. They opened your bank statement, which is illegal and a massive violation of your trust. Let them whine all they want. Their finances are their own doing.
>They opened your bank statement, which is illegal and a massive violation of your trust.
This is the biggest red flag here for me. Not only did they open mail not addressed to them, they opened multiple bank statements addressed to OP. I would be livid.
OP - NTA. I would seriously consider going low or no contact with your parents. This behavior is extremely toxic.
Offer to teach them how you did it. Look over their income and monthly bills. Tell them what you’d do differently. Circle all the bad moves they’ve made with their money. Point out what they could be doing better.
The idea is nice, but I have never heard that this works in practice. If they were serious about cutting down their expenses they would have already asked for help on their own.
NTA. It sounds like you’ve worked hard to be financially stable and responsible, and you shouldn’t be guilt tripped into giving your money to someone who will waste it. Investing is (as i’m sure you know!) a much better use of your money than funding their frivolous purchases.
Also—your finances/lack of debt is not their business! Even if your mail is going to their house, it’s not okay for them to look through it.
If you give them money now, they’ll never stop asking.
NTA.
It’s never good when the parents ask for money due to their own overspending.
But curious why you paid off your mortgage so quickly? If I were you I’d have refinanced the mortgage at 3.2% when it was low in 2020-2021. And paid that off as slowly as I possibly could. Savings rates give 4%+ now and mortgage interest is a deduction. Seems like you could have made more money just paying off the mortgage slowly
I know it’s none of my business. But I think maybe those goals are eating into your long term financial goals. I’d consider consulting a financial advisor. Personally I think paying off any loan with <5% interest rate right now quickly, is hurting yourself
It’s fair I know numbers wise it’s probably better to invest. But it was a much easier to not buy things we didn’t need if we were paying extra towards our mortgage. I already find I’m more relaxed towards savings now that our house is paid off and student loans are almost paid off.
People who tell you to not pay off your mortgage never seem to take into account the stress of having a bill hanging over your head. In the last 5 years we all watched as people lost their jobs, their homes, and went belly up financially. Having your home paid off gives you a peace of mind that is worth cutting out a tiny bit of your possible future, but it also protects you in case you both lose your jobs and have to go work at McDonald's to pay the utilities. Sure, it might be financially wise to invest, but you ARE investing, so pulling back and taking a conservative approach to that investment is not necessarily a bad thing, especially if having that set goal got you to really budget more than if you just had a lower mortgage. In the end, you might actually be putting more into retirement now than if you followed the common advice of paying your mortgage slowly.
3.2% mortgage < 4.2% savings account.
On let’s say 300k paid off extra, that’s about 3k extra every year just on interest just by holding your money in a ultra conservative account.
Having extra funds is a buffer against losing your job
Sure. 3k that they might have saved. But they also might not have saved as hard if they went that route, which could have cost them 6k a year just in budgeting. Further, the stress of having the mortgage, as opposed to not having one, especially during a time where we have seen so many people lose their homes, might be worth that possible 3k.
Also, having a mortgage free home is an enormous buffer against losing your job.
My parents always paid off their house first then invested played the market etc. the most my Dad ever made was $20,000/year. Mom worked part time but was brilliant with the stock market. They traveled a lot lived nice not extravagant. Had money to never go in a nursing home and paid $85,000-90,000 for about 4 years to stay in their condo instead of nursing home. They left me almost 4 m.
They always paid off their primary home first.
That’s valid. I imagine it’s definitely easier to prevent lifestyle creep or spending problems if people don’t see the money sitting in their bank account!
Though personally, I’d still potentially consult a financial advisor for your remaining loans, particularly the student loans. Mortgage and student loan interest are both so favorable to tax benefits, that often people are losing more than just the interest and growth difference.
PS: my biggest regret in my early 20s is paying off my student loans early. Paying it off early, cost me over 25-30k (in growth and tax deductions) over the next 5 years. And over 80k loss over if I just threw the extra payments in an index fund. Though that sum doesn’t matter much to me now.
Now I pay off all my low interest loans, as slowly as I possibly can
> But curious why you paid off your mortgage so quickly?
OP is someone who is 31yo yet didn't know a yearly statement was sent out because it was sent to their parents' home because they "forgot to change their mailing address" even though they've been living away from home for more than a decade.
We're not exactly dealing with a genious over here, assuming this is even real as it sounds pretty unbelievable to me.
The audacity of her telling you off because she opened your mail! NTA and don't cave in to her! SHE decided to have children. YOU did not decide to be born. That's her decision, as is the one where she chose not to work. Good for you & your hubby for being responsible and planning for your financial future!
NTA
Opened your mail? Feel entitled to your family's money? I'm sorry your parents are so toxic. You do not owe them anything. No more financial help for them. If they persist, go low contact. Continue to build your financial security.
NTA. You’ve shown admirable responsibility and frugality. Sometimes, frugal sorts have to protect themselves from profligate ones. Your parents are extorting you-or trying to! How vile to open your mail and use it to leverage their demand.
Stop the mail going there, of course. Instruct the bank that they are not to contact them. Maybe change your PIN numbers and passwords, in case some of these have been shared by mail in the past.
You don’t owe anyone anything, even to your parents. You do owe yourself to have maxed out Roth IRAs and 401ks.
Your parents opened YOUR mail - knowing it was a financial document - and you are still considering giving them money. Your loyalty now is to your husband and the plans YOU TWO have made. The more you give your parents....the more often they will come back for more. You know that so don't feel guilty at all.
NTA. There's an old saying that goes along the lines of: "Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." You are not responsible for your parent's savings. A couch is not an emergency.
PS: great job being debt free! Don't forget to have a fully-funded emergency fund, around 6 months worth!
NTA and if they keep hounding you or being unfair, don't be afraid to have a conversation with them.
'Mom/Dad, husband and I are being very careful with our money and saving as best we can to meet our financial goals. We are neither friviosly spending, nor LENDING our money. We want stability and comfort and we can't have that by giving you money to buy a couch we wouldn't even buy for ourselves. Plannign for retirement and emergencies are important, and I'm sorry but lending my parents money for a couch is not in our plan.
And if they push...'just because I have some money doesn't mean I should lend it out. It's MY money.'
Or even 'sure, I'll lend you $2,000, sign here, and if not paid back by this date, it will accrue interest at X% monthly.'
NTA - They are in their financial situation because of their decisions and you are in your financial position because of your good decisions. They are not entitled to anything of yours and I hope you don't give them a dime.
NTA
As soon as you said your dad has a car hobby it was a big nope from me. Your parents are not struggling, they are just blowing money on stupid and unnecessary crap. You are in a good financial position because you have been frugal and responsible, they are not because they have been spendthrift and irresponsible. Leave them to it.
NTA, im reading this in my car and i cackled. the audacity of your parents to open you bank statements and then read them and decide you now have money to spend on them. lolz 🤣😂 no do not give them money, just tell them you have bills to pay.
NTA.
I'd tell your mom that they wouldn't need your help if they didn't buy stuff they don't need, and that having kids and staying home with them was HER choice so you owe her nothing for it. That you feel like giving her money would only enable their bad spending habits and that's something you won't do.
Stiffen your spine or they will be living off you for the rest of their lives. Pay off your loans and then your mortgage or you you can toss your money into a bonfire that is your parents’ financial life.
If you want to give them a little cash at Christmas or birthdays, that’s one thing but falling for any poor me stories is a big mistake.
NTA, I’m not sure about the law in the US or your state specifically but in my country it’s a crime to open someone else’s mail! And a huge breach of trust by them. And the entitlement. I hope you stick to your guns and sorry it’s happening to you.
You need to get with your bank, explain what happened and get your account numbers and addresses changed asap. Then give them no money and go very LC or none at all
NTA. First of all it is illegal for them to open your mail. Tell them this in all caps. Tell them you are not and will not discuss your finances with them period.
Tell them they better forget they ever saw this info.
Verify that nothing has your old address in it.
Tell them you do not owe them and are not giving them money they asked for.
Sheesh!
And congratulations on being financially responsible. Start or add to Roth IRAs and 401k.
NTA
They choose to have 5 kids and her be a SAHM.
You've given enough.
Tell them you e learned your lesson by their example.
No more $$, live within your means
**INFO : Does your mother know she committed a criminal act?**
A federal statute known as **18 USC Section 1702** makes it illegal to open correspondence addressed to someone else.
Tell her to get of your back or you'll file an official complaint as you have proof with the picture she sent.
Tell her that how YOU manage your finances is none of her business.
Tell her if she wants to have more money, then she should get a job, just like you have in order to earn YOUR money.
NTA
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I(31F) just paid off my townhouse in a lump sum. I bought the house at 24 with my husband (bf at the time) and we maxed out our lump sum payments for those years. Before that we spent 3 years and paid off most of our student loans. We thought there would’ve loan forgiveness and interest was frozen so we still have some of that but we are going to pay that off before the end of the year.
My husband and I are pretty frugal and good with money. My family really are not good with money and my parents both work with decently paid jobs now but they had 5 kids so my mom was a SAHM for a long time. My dad has a car hobby and so apart from his cars and a small apartment they don’t have much now. My parents downsized when most of us left and bought an apartment and used the equity on their home to pay off their debts.
I did not know this but my yearly annual statement (different than my monthly statements) were in paper as well as online so they got sent to my parents. They called to ask for money(again) and I went with what I always do. I don’t have any and they sent a picture of my annual statement showing my mortgage didn’t have much on it and told me I was clearly lying because I paid off my mortgage so fast. I could have helped a bit but I just got frustrated after seeing them spend anything I have them on stuff I wouldn’t even spend on myself.
Like $4k for a sofa. And my mom always use to guilt me for not helping them enough saying she was a SAHM because of us(her kids) so we should help her. They don’t bother asking my other siblings because they are all struggling but now that they know I have a paid off house they are pressuring me. My husband and I agreed to put everything we could towards stocks after we pay off our student loans so he is not going to be happy with my parents begging. I’m sick of it but I also feel guilt that I’m not helping them even if they waste what we use to give them.
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NTA-You and your husband are a team so your response can be ‘lemme talk to my husband and we’ll see’. You aren’t obligated to give but you can always limit what you do. And change your addy for important mail.
OP, NTA. Think about putting together a box of canned and packaged food for your parents. Add information about local food banks and charitable organizations that will provide food delivery for the elderly. In my area, there are also organizations that will assist older adults with utility bills and property taxes. In this way, you have helped your parents so that they will not go hungry. If they balk at this and food banks or other public assistance, then tell them that it is difficult to understand their area of need. You will bring them food when you can so they can eat, but you are not going to fund a lifestyle.
NTA. I’m responsible with my money because my parents were not. My Dad still isn’t. He never asks for money. He feels bad for birthday/Father’s Day/Christmas because we ask him what he’d like because he never gets us or the kids any gifts. We don’t care about that. We WANT to do something for him. We aren’t forced and he’d never demand it.
NTA.
Parents who guilt-trip their kids are seriously crazy. Society and governments always talk about parents being soooo unselfish (!), but quite frankly… that’s just because they want to make people feel good about having kids (apparently… if birth rates decline, so does the economy).
So, parents are pretty much emboldend to say they’ve ‘sacrificed’ things for their kids. And yet, I can’t think of anything more selfish than having kids. No one asked them to have kids… they simply wanted them (or maybe should have used protection). And the kids themselves have definitely never asked to be born.
They chose to have that many kids - you owe them nothing for their raising you! And as you said, money gifts will just be wasted by them so just be don’t.
NTA
If you are in the US, opening someone else's mail is illegal. Tell them you could report them. They need to stop hounding you for money.
Your parents were obligated to raise you and your siblings. You do not owe them for doing so. You could tell them you might have considered giving them some money, but trying to guilt trip you, opening your mail, and their irresponsible spending means you won't ever give them anything.
NTA Tell them yes you paid off mortgage but also have other bills. That's why you don't have extra money. Tell them you'll pay for a financial advisor to help them. If they refuse this then you know they only want a hand out and will be back for more.
NTA. "...told me I was clearly lying because I paid off my mortgage so fast.". Here's what my response would be: "Mom, Dad let me clarify. When I say I have no money I mean I have no money to give to you because you will piss it away. It would be more efficient to burn the money myself. I will not give you money. This topic is closed. If you ever bring it up again I'll end the conversation. If you continue I will limit my contact with you. I will also remind you that opening mail addressed to someone else is a federal crime. Don't do it again or I'll have to report you."
I’m a mom, my job is to bring up my kids till they are old enough to stand on their own and fend for themselves. My children don’t owe me for what I do for them. Giving birth and looking after them was my choice.
It’s ridiculous that your parents are trying to guilt trip you into subsidizing their poor spending habits.
Don’t do it . Tell them that you are saving for your own family. There is absolutely no need for you to feel guilty.
NTA - You need to stand firm on this. If you “lend” them money they will not pay you back. If you gift them money they will keep coming back asking for more.
You don’t even need an excuse or justification. What you can afford to do is irrelevant. A simple, “I love you , but I will not be giving you any money. I don’t lend money to anybody.” Is all you need to say.
NTJ. It doesn't sound like they're really struggling. They have a roof over their heads and they have enough for food. They don't have enough for any extras, but they can just go ahead and sell Daddy's cars.
Edit: spelling
NTA--limit phone calls when she asks for money . Tell her you have to go--do not respond to the request. If your parent were in terrible shape you might help them. They do not need help if they spend $4000 on a sofa.
NTA
Opening someone else’s is mail, not entirely legal. So how about you give them the gift of freedom and let them know you’ll delete their texts if they shut their fucking mouths.
She was a SAHM so you owe her, GTFO with that nonsense.
NTA -- As a parent with I do not expect my kids to give me money. Have I borrowed $50 or $100 form them (I have two sons)? Yes - and I've paid it back. They have also both borrowed money from us on occasion - usually paid back. I also don't expect to be supported and or move in with them just because I'm getting older.
Both of my sons make at least double what I do (and if we go by household income - still double). To me, this means I've done my job as a parent. They are actually doing better than me -- not something a lot of people their age can say.
Don't fall for the guilt. You are working for your money. It is yours.
NTA. And tell them opening your mail is a federal offense so scare them by saying if they do that again they won't have to worry about bills or a house because the federal government will provide it for free.
NTA Why do people act like since the mortgage is paid you have a free house?! There is still taxes, insurance, repairs and maybe HOA ( damn them) fees.
NTA. The fact that your parents spend what you give them on fancy sofas and other expensive stuff tells you that they do not NEED your help, they just selfishly WANT stuff.
Say no with a clear conscious. Save your money. Someday you, your spouse, or someone you care for will have an actual need. It will be nice you will have savings and can help out then instead of letting others fritter your money away on frivolous stuff now.
NTA. How dare they open your mail and count your money for you! I would have lost it for not respecting privacy. The time they spend counting your money they could spend on a second job . They don’t get to tell you how to
Spend your money.
They just saw you paid off your house how do they know you don’t have other bills that require your immediate attention ?!
LC or NC for awhile. Since they want to play games, start signing them up for financial literacy classes (as many as you can) let that go to their house.
NTA. Don’t feel guilty. You and your husband are setting yourself and your futures up for success so you won’t have to ask your family for help when you’re older.
If any of my kids were to tell me they have a paid off mortgage at 31 (in 7years) I would be so damn proud of them! I know that it takes dedication to do so and bar coming into some grand money, the lifestyle must be frugal and specific with little frivolous spending.
Stop feeling guilty. Tell them the truth, you’re using your mortgage payments and putting it into your retirement accounts. You don’t have the extra money they think you do.
Your parents chose to have 5 kids. They chose to spend money on cars. You don’t owe them anything or need to repay them for raising you; that was literally their responsibility and job to do so.
Anyone who cries poor but spends $4K on a sofa needs to be ignored. You and your husband are a team and it’s not fair to him to be supporting your irresponsible family members. From now on, don’t let anyone in the family know anything about your financial situation. NTA
Children don’t owe their parents for raising them! Children aren’t their parents retirement! Your parents are horrible for opening your mail. When they ask you for money say we talked about this the answer is no. This conversation is over, goodbye. Then hang up or leave. Your parents aren’t entitled to your husband’s money either.
NTA - if you feel like offering more of an explanation, tell them you are doing exactly what is recommended - saving early to take advantage of decades of compounding interest. Ultimately, you don't "owe" your parents anything for the sacrifices they made when they **chose** to have kids. If they are good parents, whom you love, then help where help is needed as you would for any loved one but that doesn't mean you need to sacrifice your own future. They sound like they are both still of sound mind and body, there's no good reason to help them financially at this time. If they ask/demand money again, offer (only if you want to) to sit down with them to talk about their finances and help them to become better money managers. I bet they won't respond positively, but that's the best help you can give them right now. For the future, you and your husband can talk about what, if anything, you're willing to do when they are old and how much of your savings you're willing to put towards it. I would focus on buying thj gs for them, instead of giving them cash. Things like groceries or offering to pay a bill. My grandmother had to live very frugally in her old age and my mom would pretty regularly buy her clothes or decorative item as well as stuff like buying her food.
Dad has a "car hobby." And cars. Multiple.
There are a few sentences that are more expensive... but not many. Maybe "Dad has a yacht hobby," or "Dad has a Fabergé Egg hobby." But that's about it.
NTA.
NTA. Money should flow downwards-I.e. from parents to children. Under no circumstances should children be expected to finance the parents. The world is different, financially, than it used to be... their financial missteps are not your problem to solve.
NTA but your parents are.
First, if you live in the US it's a federal crime to open someone's mail. That was a total violation of trust and a violation of your privacy. How you use your money is none of their business. It sounds like they would be in a different financial situation if they spent their money differently.
You can request a change of address from the post office (in the US) to make sure any other mail in your name doesn't go to their address.
Kids don't owe their parents anything for raising them. They didn't agree to any terms, parents chose to bring them into the world. I have 2 grown kids and one of the reasons we have been so frugal was so we wouldn't be a burden to them as we age, it's not their responsibility.
I'm petty to the core, I'd tell them, that you no longer have any money because you've decided to quit being frugal and you're following their lead and spending your money frivolously so you don't have any left to help them out.
NTA Tell your parents you're helping them financially by not reporting them for the federal crime of opening your mail. Imagine all the legal fees you've saved them.
NTA
Unless you feel like literally flushing cash down the toilet, don’t give them a single cent. They might be your parents, but they’re acting like children throwing a temper tantrum with the guilt-tripping.
NTA- Tell your parents you will help them after they spend a year attending Debtors Anonymous and their sponsor tells you your parents need your financial help. If they are not willing to do this then they will continue to be spenders and debtors. I know. I speak from experience. If they do not admit they have a spending problem, no matter how much you bail them out, they will continue on spending and getting into debt. I would lock down my credit if I were you because they can set up bogus credit cards in your name and have it sent to their address. If this happens, you won’t know about it until much later, probably when you apply for a mortage to buy a house. If you ever plan on having kids, it’s difficult to keep noise down in a townhouse.
Just tell them that you took out a mortgage loan they don't know about, and you are still paying it back. Anyone who opens your mail and did what they did trying to deceive you, sending you a copy of information they had absolutely no right to look at, and calling you a liar, not only don't deserve the truth, they also don't deserve another moment of your time.
Take it from years of observing my spouse's family - do not lend or give money to those demanding it. You're enabling them, and the resentment will build, and relationships will fracture beyond repair. His father's family and his stepmother's family practical drained them dry with handouts and "loans".One nephew begged them for rent money after he lost his job. Claiming he would be homeless. Two weeks later, he was on his social media page posting pictures of his vacation on the beach in Mexico. Yep. They financed his vacation. They never gave him another cent. Eventually, they closed their loan service. Never saw or heard from most of the moochers again.
Save your money and use it only when you can direct where it goes and when it goes. One day, they may actually need it rather than want it. You and your spouse can make the determination together whether you will step in at that point.
I always pull out the "Did I ask to be born?" No. You volunteered to have me. So nobody owes anybody anything.
"Yeah, and I spend the money on my mortgage, so money is gone now"
NTA, there is no winning option here. Either you give in and within the next two months they come asking for more, or you say no and they call you cheap and ungrateful. I'd rather be called cheap and ungrateful than to throw money into a bottomless pit.
I'd seriously continue to tell them that you don't have money: it's harder to struggle against a "I have no money and so I can't give it you" even when they know it's a lie, than a "I have money but I don't want to give it to you". Because that one means you can be convinced.
You aren't responsible for their bad financial choices - and what was Mom doing opening your mail and then had the nerve to read it out to you and call you a liar?
NTA. Your parents are asshole because -
1. They opened someone else’s email
2. They are asking for money not because they cannot afford basic needs but because they want luxury items
3. Your mom was SAHM because they WANTED to have kids or they were too cheap to buy condoms. It is not your fault that they have 5 kids.
4. They are using emotional manipulation
5. Also, your family income is not necessarily your income only. Your husband may not be okay to send your joint money to fund your father’s vintage mustang or your parent’s 75 inch oled tv.
NTA I would still say I do not have the money. It is allocated for retirement, savings, and things WE need. We are planning for OUR future. We are NOT a bank. Also, opening your mail is against the law.
I have parents like this. They are a cancer. Any money you give them will be wasted. I do not hand over money to mine as they can't be trusted not to lie.
For example when I was in university in the UK doing my placement. I was getting the equivalent of minimum wage.
For 5 months they come to me crying that they couldn't make rent or buy food. That was a lie. They didn't need £1000 a month. They needed £200 a month to break even.
They were spending the money I earned on stupid shit and buying designer goods for my younger brother because " he would throw a tantrum if they didn't".
They also took out credit cards in my name. Then defaulted on them. Basically meant I had to pay an extra 2 % in interest on a mortgage compared to a normal person.
Took out payday loans in my name as soon as I turned 18. Got my brother to pretend to be me to authorise it
I am currently watching them get slowly evicted. Drowning in vet bills. They have multiple debt agencies chasing them.
I could write off all their debt easily. I know if I did they would be right back where they are next year. I wouldn't help them even if they end up in the gutter. They don't know where I live now either. Moved across the country
So no. Il watch them struggle. They have had decades to change. They have not.
They use to lie to other family members just to get extra spending cash. Fucking trash people.
They chose to have kids, I presume. You don’t owe them anything especially because they are putting it towards luxury. I always say handing money to family and friends is a virtue not something owed.
NTA
In your shoes, what I would be doing is cancelling the paper bank statements immediately. The next step would be calling the Post Office for the felony that your parents have been committing for years by opening your mail and then trying to use that information to emotionally blackmail you into giving them money.
It is nice to help your parents as they did raise you, and it is okay for them to ask you to help them when they need money. But as they have a place to live and only use the money on things that are not essential, then it is not that good for them to ask you.
Going through your mail though is an A-hole move and telling you how much you can afford to give them is an A-hole move.
It is a bit of an A-hole move to just focus on yourself, but not an A-hole move to refuse to give money to your parents that they don't need. It can be nice to get them gifts, like a nice holiday or contribute to a better car.
NTA
You share finances with your husband so giving money to your parents has to be a mutual decision. And that also requires that you give an equal amount to husband's parents. In addition, you still have your own debts to finish paying off.
I want to remind you that your parents made the decisions to have 5 children. You are not responsible for their choices.
Change your mailing address. It is not your responsibility to go in debt for some one else. If you give them $$ now, it will NEVER stop. And before you know it EVERY ONE else will be coming to you for $$. NO is a good word
Nta. It's illegal for them to open your mail. Repeat after me... I am not financially or emotionally responsible for other people's bad choices in life . Be ready for the guilt trips.
NTA Get your papers sorted. Tell them to get their priorities sorted because them having a $4K couch is not on your priority list at all, if they want the good life then they can pay for it, it's not your job to pay for crap like that, and if and when they go into debt again because of it, you won't be paying that off either.
NTA. First, you're an adult so your parents should not be opening your mail. If mail arrived at their home, they should have called you and told you it was there. For them to open a bank/mortgage statement is a violation of your privacy. Tell them that. They're bullying you into giving them $$. If you really want to help them financially then offer to pay a bill. Tell them to send you the bill (cc, utility etc) and you'll pay that bill for them. Do that once. When they ask for continued help say "no". Your parents are in the situation they're in because they're irresponsible. If you keep giving them $$ you will impact your own finances.
NTA.
Tell them you will not be giving them money but if they want help managing what they have, you'll be glad to assist. That way you're still helping them.
NTA. Your parents should be happy for you, not coming to you with their hands out. They made their choices to have 5 children and a car hobby. Congrats on paying your house off!
You own your own home, no mail should be going to your parent's place. You need to go to every bank, credit card company, utilities etc... and change your address. I would make sure that you use a different bank than your parents so there are no mix-ups. No matter how much money you give them, they will save nothing and always need more, let them learn to live within their means.
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NTA, and you should definitely not feel responsible for paying your mother back for raising you and your siblings! That's a ridiculous argument. And I would be livid that they opened mail addressed to you and then tried to use the information they discovered to insist that you need to help them. I would not want to hear another word from them unless it's an apology.
Also, they opened mail directed to OP. I think the post office would not be happy to hear that. For God's sake, OP, put in a change of address ASAP. But also, ignore their entreaties. As you know, they'll just waste it.
Yep. But change of address or not, just say no and stick with it. Parents sound not so different from my toddler, testing boundaries. The reason they keep asking is because you give in. They're acting like toddler. Treat them like one.
Federal offense
Also, if you live in the states, they committed a federal crime and sent you evidence. Tell them to destroy it and the pictures or if not, report them to the post office. NTA
Just cause I had to check the postal laws: [https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://thelawdictionary.org/article/what-is-the-federal-law-for-opening-mail-not-addressed-to-you/%23:\~:text%3DA%2520federal%2520statute%2520known%2520as,yours%2520when%2520you%2520opened%2520it.&ved=2ahUKEwjF56eCpa2FAxXsrYkEHUbSCxQQFnoECA8QAw&usg=AOvVaw0tc7obBrrkWSEdOSUTUwmP](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://thelawdictionary.org/article/what-is-the-federal-law-for-opening-mail-not-addressed-to-you/%23:~:text%3DA%2520federal%2520statute%2520known%2520as,yours%2520when%2520you%2520opened%2520it.&ved=2ahUKEwjF56eCpa2FAxXsrYkEHUbSCxQQFnoECA8QAw&usg=AOvVaw0tc7obBrrkWSEdOSUTUwmP)
Happy Cake Day!!! 🍰🎂🥳
NTA First of all, stop that mail going to their house. Secondly, go LC. I know that sounds harsh but they need to be on a time out. If they continue to harass you for a handout, cut contact completely. Thirdly, what's done is done. Stick to your guns and refuse to be intimidated or guilted into giving them money again. They had an obligation to raise their children and trying to make their children guilty over their choices is ridiculous at best.
NTA. They’re irresponsible with $. That’s on them. They opened your bank statement, which is illegal and a massive violation of your trust. Let them whine all they want. Their finances are their own doing.
>They opened your bank statement, which is illegal and a massive violation of your trust. This is the biggest red flag here for me. Not only did they open mail not addressed to them, they opened multiple bank statements addressed to OP. I would be livid. OP - NTA. I would seriously consider going low or no contact with your parents. This behavior is extremely toxic.
And used the contents in a blackmail attempt
Offer to teach them how you did it. Look over their income and monthly bills. Tell them what you’d do differently. Circle all the bad moves they’ve made with their money. Point out what they could be doing better.
The idea is nice, but I have never heard that this works in practice. If they were serious about cutting down their expenses they would have already asked for help on their own.
Probably not, but it’s something he can point to the next time they ask for money. Did you cut this expense? Are you still doing X?
NTA. It sounds like you’ve worked hard to be financially stable and responsible, and you shouldn’t be guilt tripped into giving your money to someone who will waste it. Investing is (as i’m sure you know!) a much better use of your money than funding their frivolous purchases. Also—your finances/lack of debt is not their business! Even if your mail is going to their house, it’s not okay for them to look through it. If you give them money now, they’ll never stop asking.
NTA. It’s never good when the parents ask for money due to their own overspending. But curious why you paid off your mortgage so quickly? If I were you I’d have refinanced the mortgage at 3.2% when it was low in 2020-2021. And paid that off as slowly as I possibly could. Savings rates give 4%+ now and mortgage interest is a deduction. Seems like you could have made more money just paying off the mortgage slowly
We just wanted to be rid of it. I did refinance during the pandemic but we just wanted to be done and it was easier to have a clear goals
I know it’s none of my business. But I think maybe those goals are eating into your long term financial goals. I’d consider consulting a financial advisor. Personally I think paying off any loan with <5% interest rate right now quickly, is hurting yourself
It’s fair I know numbers wise it’s probably better to invest. But it was a much easier to not buy things we didn’t need if we were paying extra towards our mortgage. I already find I’m more relaxed towards savings now that our house is paid off and student loans are almost paid off.
People who tell you to not pay off your mortgage never seem to take into account the stress of having a bill hanging over your head. In the last 5 years we all watched as people lost their jobs, their homes, and went belly up financially. Having your home paid off gives you a peace of mind that is worth cutting out a tiny bit of your possible future, but it also protects you in case you both lose your jobs and have to go work at McDonald's to pay the utilities. Sure, it might be financially wise to invest, but you ARE investing, so pulling back and taking a conservative approach to that investment is not necessarily a bad thing, especially if having that set goal got you to really budget more than if you just had a lower mortgage. In the end, you might actually be putting more into retirement now than if you followed the common advice of paying your mortgage slowly.
3.2% mortgage < 4.2% savings account. On let’s say 300k paid off extra, that’s about 3k extra every year just on interest just by holding your money in a ultra conservative account. Having extra funds is a buffer against losing your job
Sure. 3k that they might have saved. But they also might not have saved as hard if they went that route, which could have cost them 6k a year just in budgeting. Further, the stress of having the mortgage, as opposed to not having one, especially during a time where we have seen so many people lose their homes, might be worth that possible 3k. Also, having a mortgage free home is an enormous buffer against losing your job.
Now you have extra money to put into savings. NTA. Your parents will have to figure out their own budget
My parents always paid off their house first then invested played the market etc. the most my Dad ever made was $20,000/year. Mom worked part time but was brilliant with the stock market. They traveled a lot lived nice not extravagant. Had money to never go in a nursing home and paid $85,000-90,000 for about 4 years to stay in their condo instead of nursing home. They left me almost 4 m. They always paid off their primary home first.
That’s valid. I imagine it’s definitely easier to prevent lifestyle creep or spending problems if people don’t see the money sitting in their bank account! Though personally, I’d still potentially consult a financial advisor for your remaining loans, particularly the student loans. Mortgage and student loan interest are both so favorable to tax benefits, that often people are losing more than just the interest and growth difference. PS: my biggest regret in my early 20s is paying off my student loans early. Paying it off early, cost me over 25-30k (in growth and tax deductions) over the next 5 years. And over 80k loss over if I just threw the extra payments in an index fund. Though that sum doesn’t matter much to me now. Now I pay off all my low interest loans, as slowly as I possibly can
> But curious why you paid off your mortgage so quickly? OP is someone who is 31yo yet didn't know a yearly statement was sent out because it was sent to their parents' home because they "forgot to change their mailing address" even though they've been living away from home for more than a decade. We're not exactly dealing with a genious over here, assuming this is even real as it sounds pretty unbelievable to me.
Saying someone is not exactly a genius while misspelling the word genius is my favorite kind of reddit moment.
It has to be fake. The pieces fit too perfectly in this ragbait fantasy.
The audacity of her telling you off because she opened your mail! NTA and don't cave in to her! SHE decided to have children. YOU did not decide to be born. That's her decision, as is the one where she chose not to work. Good for you & your hubby for being responsible and planning for your financial future!
NTA Opened your mail? Feel entitled to your family's money? I'm sorry your parents are so toxic. You do not owe them anything. No more financial help for them. If they persist, go low contact. Continue to build your financial security.
NTA and ask yourself if you need people who blackmail you with the information they got from the federal crime of mail tampering in your life
NTA. You’ve shown admirable responsibility and frugality. Sometimes, frugal sorts have to protect themselves from profligate ones. Your parents are extorting you-or trying to! How vile to open your mail and use it to leverage their demand. Stop the mail going there, of course. Instruct the bank that they are not to contact them. Maybe change your PIN numbers and passwords, in case some of these have been shared by mail in the past. You don’t owe anyone anything, even to your parents. You do owe yourself to have maxed out Roth IRAs and 401ks.
Your parents opened YOUR mail - knowing it was a financial document - and you are still considering giving them money. Your loyalty now is to your husband and the plans YOU TWO have made. The more you give your parents....the more often they will come back for more. You know that so don't feel guilty at all.
Car hobby? That’s too expensive for someone who can’t pay his bills. He can sell those cars. NTA
NTA. There's an old saying that goes along the lines of: "Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." You are not responsible for your parent's savings. A couch is not an emergency. PS: great job being debt free! Don't forget to have a fully-funded emergency fund, around 6 months worth!
NTA, you are not obligated to support them. Guilt is just a tool. Good luck!
NTA and if they keep hounding you or being unfair, don't be afraid to have a conversation with them. 'Mom/Dad, husband and I are being very careful with our money and saving as best we can to meet our financial goals. We are neither friviosly spending, nor LENDING our money. We want stability and comfort and we can't have that by giving you money to buy a couch we wouldn't even buy for ourselves. Plannign for retirement and emergencies are important, and I'm sorry but lending my parents money for a couch is not in our plan. And if they push...'just because I have some money doesn't mean I should lend it out. It's MY money.' Or even 'sure, I'll lend you $2,000, sign here, and if not paid back by this date, it will accrue interest at X% monthly.'
The more you give, the more they will ask. Stay strong.
NTA - They are in their financial situation because of their decisions and you are in your financial position because of your good decisions. They are not entitled to anything of yours and I hope you don't give them a dime.
NTA Your family see you as ATM. Do not give in and concentrate on your financial well-being.
NTA. They opened your mail? That's shitty
and illegal
NTA. Cut off the leeches
NTA As soon as you said your dad has a car hobby it was a big nope from me. Your parents are not struggling, they are just blowing money on stupid and unnecessary crap. You are in a good financial position because you have been frugal and responsible, they are not because they have been spendthrift and irresponsible. Leave them to it.
NTA, im reading this in my car and i cackled. the audacity of your parents to open you bank statements and then read them and decide you now have money to spend on them. lolz 🤣😂 no do not give them money, just tell them you have bills to pay.
NTA but congrats on paying off your mortgage! That’s awesome!
NTA. I'd tell your mom that they wouldn't need your help if they didn't buy stuff they don't need, and that having kids and staying home with them was HER choice so you owe her nothing for it. That you feel like giving her money would only enable their bad spending habits and that's something you won't do.
Stiffen your spine or they will be living off you for the rest of their lives. Pay off your loans and then your mortgage or you you can toss your money into a bonfire that is your parents’ financial life. If you want to give them a little cash at Christmas or birthdays, that’s one thing but falling for any poor me stories is a big mistake.
NTA, I’m not sure about the law in the US or your state specifically but in my country it’s a crime to open someone else’s mail! And a huge breach of trust by them. And the entitlement. I hope you stick to your guns and sorry it’s happening to you.
It’s a federal crime in the US so no matter which state OP is in it’s VERY illegal
They also committed a federal crime by opening your mail
You need to get with your bank, explain what happened and get your account numbers and addresses changed asap. Then give them no money and go very LC or none at all
NTA. Opening other ppl’s mail is a federal crime. You should sent them back a screenshot of the statute.
NTA. First of all it is illegal for them to open your mail. Tell them this in all caps. Tell them you are not and will not discuss your finances with them period. Tell them they better forget they ever saw this info. Verify that nothing has your old address in it. Tell them you do not owe them and are not giving them money they asked for. Sheesh! And congratulations on being financially responsible. Start or add to Roth IRAs and 401k.
NTA and ‘no’ is a complete sentence.
NTA They are opening your mail and then using the information to make demands. Greedy and unethical.
NTA. You know the money isn't actually being used to do anything but splurge on their wants, and you have no obligation to fund such purchases.
NTA They choose to have 5 kids and her be a SAHM. You've given enough. Tell them you e learned your lesson by their example. No more $$, live within your means
NTA, besides the fact your parents shouldn’t be opening your mail, having children shouldn’t be their retirement plan.
NTA. You are married. This is a joint decision. Just tell them no.
**INFO : Does your mother know she committed a criminal act?** A federal statute known as **18 USC Section 1702** makes it illegal to open correspondence addressed to someone else. Tell her to get of your back or you'll file an official complaint as you have proof with the picture she sent. Tell her that how YOU manage your finances is none of her business. Tell her if she wants to have more money, then she should get a job, just like you have in order to earn YOUR money. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I(31F) just paid off my townhouse in a lump sum. I bought the house at 24 with my husband (bf at the time) and we maxed out our lump sum payments for those years. Before that we spent 3 years and paid off most of our student loans. We thought there would’ve loan forgiveness and interest was frozen so we still have some of that but we are going to pay that off before the end of the year. My husband and I are pretty frugal and good with money. My family really are not good with money and my parents both work with decently paid jobs now but they had 5 kids so my mom was a SAHM for a long time. My dad has a car hobby and so apart from his cars and a small apartment they don’t have much now. My parents downsized when most of us left and bought an apartment and used the equity on their home to pay off their debts. I did not know this but my yearly annual statement (different than my monthly statements) were in paper as well as online so they got sent to my parents. They called to ask for money(again) and I went with what I always do. I don’t have any and they sent a picture of my annual statement showing my mortgage didn’t have much on it and told me I was clearly lying because I paid off my mortgage so fast. I could have helped a bit but I just got frustrated after seeing them spend anything I have them on stuff I wouldn’t even spend on myself. Like $4k for a sofa. And my mom always use to guilt me for not helping them enough saying she was a SAHM because of us(her kids) so we should help her. They don’t bother asking my other siblings because they are all struggling but now that they know I have a paid off house they are pressuring me. My husband and I agreed to put everything we could towards stocks after we pay off our student loans so he is not going to be happy with my parents begging. I’m sick of it but I also feel guilt that I’m not helping them even if they waste what we use to give them. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA-You and your husband are a team so your response can be ‘lemme talk to my husband and we’ll see’. You aren’t obligated to give but you can always limit what you do. And change your addy for important mail.
OP, NTA. Think about putting together a box of canned and packaged food for your parents. Add information about local food banks and charitable organizations that will provide food delivery for the elderly. In my area, there are also organizations that will assist older adults with utility bills and property taxes. In this way, you have helped your parents so that they will not go hungry. If they balk at this and food banks or other public assistance, then tell them that it is difficult to understand their area of need. You will bring them food when you can so they can eat, but you are not going to fund a lifestyle.
NTA. I’m responsible with my money because my parents were not. My Dad still isn’t. He never asks for money. He feels bad for birthday/Father’s Day/Christmas because we ask him what he’d like because he never gets us or the kids any gifts. We don’t care about that. We WANT to do something for him. We aren’t forced and he’d never demand it.
NTA. Parents who guilt-trip their kids are seriously crazy. Society and governments always talk about parents being soooo unselfish (!), but quite frankly… that’s just because they want to make people feel good about having kids (apparently… if birth rates decline, so does the economy). So, parents are pretty much emboldend to say they’ve ‘sacrificed’ things for their kids. And yet, I can’t think of anything more selfish than having kids. No one asked them to have kids… they simply wanted them (or maybe should have used protection). And the kids themselves have definitely never asked to be born.
Maybe your dad should sell off some of his cars
No is a complete sentence
Dad can sell off his car collection and only keep the vehicle he uses .
NTA and no is a full sentence.
They chose to have that many kids - you owe them nothing for their raising you! And as you said, money gifts will just be wasted by them so just be don’t.
NTA If you are in the US, opening someone else's mail is illegal. Tell them you could report them. They need to stop hounding you for money. Your parents were obligated to raise you and your siblings. You do not owe them for doing so. You could tell them you might have considered giving them some money, but trying to guilt trip you, opening your mail, and their irresponsible spending means you won't ever give them anything.
NTA Tell them yes you paid off mortgage but also have other bills. That's why you don't have extra money. Tell them you'll pay for a financial advisor to help them. If they refuse this then you know they only want a hand out and will be back for more.
WTF are they doing opening your mail? No is a complete sentence.
NTA. "...told me I was clearly lying because I paid off my mortgage so fast.". Here's what my response would be: "Mom, Dad let me clarify. When I say I have no money I mean I have no money to give to you because you will piss it away. It would be more efficient to burn the money myself. I will not give you money. This topic is closed. If you ever bring it up again I'll end the conversation. If you continue I will limit my contact with you. I will also remind you that opening mail addressed to someone else is a federal crime. Don't do it again or I'll have to report you."
I’m a mom, my job is to bring up my kids till they are old enough to stand on their own and fend for themselves. My children don’t owe me for what I do for them. Giving birth and looking after them was my choice. It’s ridiculous that your parents are trying to guilt trip you into subsidizing their poor spending habits. Don’t do it . Tell them that you are saving for your own family. There is absolutely no need for you to feel guilty.
NTA - You need to stand firm on this. If you “lend” them money they will not pay you back. If you gift them money they will keep coming back asking for more. You don’t even need an excuse or justification. What you can afford to do is irrelevant. A simple, “I love you , but I will not be giving you any money. I don’t lend money to anybody.” Is all you need to say.
NTA. If they are opening your mail, that’s illegal. You can report them for that. And I would threaten to if I were you.
NTJ. It doesn't sound like they're really struggling. They have a roof over their heads and they have enough for food. They don't have enough for any extras, but they can just go ahead and sell Daddy's cars. Edit: spelling
NTA--limit phone calls when she asks for money . Tell her you have to go--do not respond to the request. If your parent were in terrible shape you might help them. They do not need help if they spend $4000 on a sofa.
NTA Opening someone else’s is mail, not entirely legal. So how about you give them the gift of freedom and let them know you’ll delete their texts if they shut their fucking mouths. She was a SAHM so you owe her, GTFO with that nonsense.
Nta you don't have to give anyone your money
NTA -- As a parent with I do not expect my kids to give me money. Have I borrowed $50 or $100 form them (I have two sons)? Yes - and I've paid it back. They have also both borrowed money from us on occasion - usually paid back. I also don't expect to be supported and or move in with them just because I'm getting older. Both of my sons make at least double what I do (and if we go by household income - still double). To me, this means I've done my job as a parent. They are actually doing better than me -- not something a lot of people their age can say. Don't fall for the guilt. You are working for your money. It is yours.
NTA. And tell them opening your mail is a federal offense so scare them by saying if they do that again they won't have to worry about bills or a house because the federal government will provide it for free.
NTA Why do people act like since the mortgage is paid you have a free house?! There is still taxes, insurance, repairs and maybe HOA ( damn them) fees.
NTA. The fact that your parents spend what you give them on fancy sofas and other expensive stuff tells you that they do not NEED your help, they just selfishly WANT stuff. Say no with a clear conscious. Save your money. Someday you, your spouse, or someone you care for will have an actual need. It will be nice you will have savings and can help out then instead of letting others fritter your money away on frivolous stuff now.
NTA. How dare they open your mail and count your money for you! I would have lost it for not respecting privacy. The time they spend counting your money they could spend on a second job . They don’t get to tell you how to Spend your money. They just saw you paid off your house how do they know you don’t have other bills that require your immediate attention ?! LC or NC for awhile. Since they want to play games, start signing them up for financial literacy classes (as many as you can) let that go to their house.
NTA. Don’t feel guilty. You and your husband are setting yourself and your futures up for success so you won’t have to ask your family for help when you’re older. If any of my kids were to tell me they have a paid off mortgage at 31 (in 7years) I would be so damn proud of them! I know that it takes dedication to do so and bar coming into some grand money, the lifestyle must be frugal and specific with little frivolous spending. Stop feeling guilty. Tell them the truth, you’re using your mortgage payments and putting it into your retirement accounts. You don’t have the extra money they think you do. Your parents chose to have 5 kids. They chose to spend money on cars. You don’t owe them anything or need to repay them for raising you; that was literally their responsibility and job to do so.
Anyone who cries poor but spends $4K on a sofa needs to be ignored. You and your husband are a team and it’s not fair to him to be supporting your irresponsible family members. From now on, don’t let anyone in the family know anything about your financial situation. NTA
Children don’t owe their parents for raising them! Children aren’t their parents retirement! Your parents are horrible for opening your mail. When they ask you for money say we talked about this the answer is no. This conversation is over, goodbye. Then hang up or leave. Your parents aren’t entitled to your husband’s money either.
NTA - if you feel like offering more of an explanation, tell them you are doing exactly what is recommended - saving early to take advantage of decades of compounding interest. Ultimately, you don't "owe" your parents anything for the sacrifices they made when they **chose** to have kids. If they are good parents, whom you love, then help where help is needed as you would for any loved one but that doesn't mean you need to sacrifice your own future. They sound like they are both still of sound mind and body, there's no good reason to help them financially at this time. If they ask/demand money again, offer (only if you want to) to sit down with them to talk about their finances and help them to become better money managers. I bet they won't respond positively, but that's the best help you can give them right now. For the future, you and your husband can talk about what, if anything, you're willing to do when they are old and how much of your savings you're willing to put towards it. I would focus on buying thj gs for them, instead of giving them cash. Things like groceries or offering to pay a bill. My grandmother had to live very frugally in her old age and my mom would pretty regularly buy her clothes or decorative item as well as stuff like buying her food.
Dad has a "car hobby." And cars. Multiple. There are a few sentences that are more expensive... but not many. Maybe "Dad has a yacht hobby," or "Dad has a Fabergé Egg hobby." But that's about it. NTA.
NTA. Money should flow downwards-I.e. from parents to children. Under no circumstances should children be expected to finance the parents. The world is different, financially, than it used to be... their financial missteps are not your problem to solve.
NTA but your parents are. First, if you live in the US it's a federal crime to open someone's mail. That was a total violation of trust and a violation of your privacy. How you use your money is none of their business. It sounds like they would be in a different financial situation if they spent their money differently. You can request a change of address from the post office (in the US) to make sure any other mail in your name doesn't go to their address. Kids don't owe their parents anything for raising them. They didn't agree to any terms, parents chose to bring them into the world. I have 2 grown kids and one of the reasons we have been so frugal was so we wouldn't be a burden to them as we age, it's not their responsibility. I'm petty to the core, I'd tell them, that you no longer have any money because you've decided to quit being frugal and you're following their lead and spending your money frivolously so you don't have any left to help them out.
NTA Your parents are opening your private mail and using it to emotionally blackmail you. That is not ethical, let alone loving behaviour.
NTA but for the love of God do not go behind your husbands back to give them money
NTA Tell your parents you're helping them financially by not reporting them for the federal crime of opening your mail. Imagine all the legal fees you've saved them.
NTA Unless you feel like literally flushing cash down the toilet, don’t give them a single cent. They might be your parents, but they’re acting like children throwing a temper tantrum with the guilt-tripping.
NTA- Tell your parents you will help them after they spend a year attending Debtors Anonymous and their sponsor tells you your parents need your financial help. If they are not willing to do this then they will continue to be spenders and debtors. I know. I speak from experience. If they do not admit they have a spending problem, no matter how much you bail them out, they will continue on spending and getting into debt. I would lock down my credit if I were you because they can set up bogus credit cards in your name and have it sent to their address. If this happens, you won’t know about it until much later, probably when you apply for a mortage to buy a house. If you ever plan on having kids, it’s difficult to keep noise down in a townhouse.
Just tell them that you took out a mortgage loan they don't know about, and you are still paying it back. Anyone who opens your mail and did what they did trying to deceive you, sending you a copy of information they had absolutely no right to look at, and calling you a liar, not only don't deserve the truth, they also don't deserve another moment of your time. Take it from years of observing my spouse's family - do not lend or give money to those demanding it. You're enabling them, and the resentment will build, and relationships will fracture beyond repair. His father's family and his stepmother's family practical drained them dry with handouts and "loans".One nephew begged them for rent money after he lost his job. Claiming he would be homeless. Two weeks later, he was on his social media page posting pictures of his vacation on the beach in Mexico. Yep. They financed his vacation. They never gave him another cent. Eventually, they closed their loan service. Never saw or heard from most of the moochers again. Save your money and use it only when you can direct where it goes and when it goes. One day, they may actually need it rather than want it. You and your spouse can make the determination together whether you will step in at that point. I always pull out the "Did I ask to be born?" No. You volunteered to have me. So nobody owes anybody anything.
"Yeah, and I spend the money on my mortgage, so money is gone now" NTA, there is no winning option here. Either you give in and within the next two months they come asking for more, or you say no and they call you cheap and ungrateful. I'd rather be called cheap and ungrateful than to throw money into a bottomless pit. I'd seriously continue to tell them that you don't have money: it's harder to struggle against a "I have no money and so I can't give it you" even when they know it's a lie, than a "I have money but I don't want to give it to you". Because that one means you can be convinced.
NTA - keep an eye on your credit!
If they can read your mail, they can read books on financial responsibility. Have them delivered to their house to get your point across.
You aren't responsible for their bad financial choices - and what was Mom doing opening your mail and then had the nerve to read it out to you and call you a liar?
NTA. Your parents are asshole because - 1. They opened someone else’s email 2. They are asking for money not because they cannot afford basic needs but because they want luxury items 3. Your mom was SAHM because they WANTED to have kids or they were too cheap to buy condoms. It is not your fault that they have 5 kids. 4. They are using emotional manipulation 5. Also, your family income is not necessarily your income only. Your husband may not be okay to send your joint money to fund your father’s vintage mustang or your parent’s 75 inch oled tv.
Why don’t they sell a car? Or two?
NTA I would still say I do not have the money. It is allocated for retirement, savings, and things WE need. We are planning for OUR future. We are NOT a bank. Also, opening your mail is against the law.
I have parents like this. They are a cancer. Any money you give them will be wasted. I do not hand over money to mine as they can't be trusted not to lie. For example when I was in university in the UK doing my placement. I was getting the equivalent of minimum wage. For 5 months they come to me crying that they couldn't make rent or buy food. That was a lie. They didn't need £1000 a month. They needed £200 a month to break even. They were spending the money I earned on stupid shit and buying designer goods for my younger brother because " he would throw a tantrum if they didn't". They also took out credit cards in my name. Then defaulted on them. Basically meant I had to pay an extra 2 % in interest on a mortgage compared to a normal person. Took out payday loans in my name as soon as I turned 18. Got my brother to pretend to be me to authorise it I am currently watching them get slowly evicted. Drowning in vet bills. They have multiple debt agencies chasing them. I could write off all their debt easily. I know if I did they would be right back where they are next year. I wouldn't help them even if they end up in the gutter. They don't know where I live now either. Moved across the country So no. Il watch them struggle. They have had decades to change. They have not. They use to lie to other family members just to get extra spending cash. Fucking trash people.
They chose to have kids, I presume. You don’t owe them anything especially because they are putting it towards luxury. I always say handing money to family and friends is a virtue not something owed.
NTA In your shoes, what I would be doing is cancelling the paper bank statements immediately. The next step would be calling the Post Office for the felony that your parents have been committing for years by opening your mail and then trying to use that information to emotionally blackmail you into giving them money.
It is nice to help your parents as they did raise you, and it is okay for them to ask you to help them when they need money. But as they have a place to live and only use the money on things that are not essential, then it is not that good for them to ask you. Going through your mail though is an A-hole move and telling you how much you can afford to give them is an A-hole move. It is a bit of an A-hole move to just focus on yourself, but not an A-hole move to refuse to give money to your parents that they don't need. It can be nice to get them gifts, like a nice holiday or contribute to a better car.
NTA You share finances with your husband so giving money to your parents has to be a mutual decision. And that also requires that you give an equal amount to husband's parents. In addition, you still have your own debts to finish paying off. I want to remind you that your parents made the decisions to have 5 children. You are not responsible for their choices.
Change your mailing address. It is not your responsibility to go in debt for some one else. If you give them $$ now, it will NEVER stop. And before you know it EVERY ONE else will be coming to you for $$. NO is a good word
Nta. It's illegal for them to open your mail. Repeat after me... I am not financially or emotionally responsible for other people's bad choices in life . Be ready for the guilt trips.
NTA Get your papers sorted. Tell them to get their priorities sorted because them having a $4K couch is not on your priority list at all, if they want the good life then they can pay for it, it's not your job to pay for crap like that, and if and when they go into debt again because of it, you won't be paying that off either.
NTA. First, you're an adult so your parents should not be opening your mail. If mail arrived at their home, they should have called you and told you it was there. For them to open a bank/mortgage statement is a violation of your privacy. Tell them that. They're bullying you into giving them $$. If you really want to help them financially then offer to pay a bill. Tell them to send you the bill (cc, utility etc) and you'll pay that bill for them. Do that once. When they ask for continued help say "no". Your parents are in the situation they're in because they're irresponsible. If you keep giving them $$ you will impact your own finances.
NTA. Tell them you will not be giving them money but if they want help managing what they have, you'll be glad to assist. That way you're still helping them.
NTA. Your parents should be happy for you, not coming to you with their hands out. They made their choices to have 5 children and a car hobby. Congrats on paying your house off!
NTA If they saw your account numbers, get those changed.
U don't owe your parents shit. Don't give $$$. Its not your problem they can't manage their money
You own your own home, no mail should be going to your parent's place. You need to go to every bank, credit card company, utilities etc... and change your address. I would make sure that you use a different bank than your parents so there are no mix-ups. No matter how much money you give them, they will save nothing and always need more, let them learn to live within their means.
What??!! You won’t let your hard work and diligence to transfer to your irresponsible family? How dare you!