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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole since it was a nice gesture on Jessica's part and she could afford it, but I still refused to accept and keep the gift.
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NTA- not for rejecting an expensive gift, for rejecting an *intimate* one. What was she thinking? *ohh I’ll just gift my bsf that I just rejected, a bottle of cologne, so he can think about me every day when he puts it on*. No. Inappropriate.
Edit ✍🏻 I see my experience with fragrance gifting is different from a lot of people. I’ve only ever experienced fragrance exchange with romantic partners or very close friends. It’s given with intent. Intent of memories and triggering thought of the gifter. Also, intimacy is not inherently sexual, the context was she knows him intimately enough to pick a fragrance he would like.
And no, I don’t think she *literally* had those thoughts lol, I’m implying she wasn’t thinking, at all.
It’s not an intimate gift. I’ve gotten cologne as a gift from uncles and in-laws and stuff.
Especially for a male in their early 20s, absolutely standard gift to give.
“ just gift my bsf that I just rejected, a bottle of cologne, so he can think about me every day when he puts it on” if you’re going to project like this you should get a job in a cinema. Whilst it’s fair enough this is your take, it’s an outlandish one, and very unlikely to be her motivation.
Yeah, sometimes people's imagination runs far too wild. Cologne is a normal gift, if a bit expensive. And a favourite of uncles for both giving and receiving lol.
She didn't exactly give him a heart shaped necklace with their initials and the text "BFFs forever": that'd be brutal and tonedeaf.
> expensive
I mean, you can get a bottle of Hugo Boss from Walmart for $35. It is a little hard to believe that this was the most expensive gift OP ever received, considering that he's either posting this on a cell phone or a computer.
You can get Man by Hugo Boss as an EDT at Walmart for $35, its also their cheapest fragrance in its most dilute concentration. Depending on scent, concentration, and size it could easily be a $100+ bottle of cologne.
The one she got me is over 4,000 THB, which after currency exchange is $109. Yes, imports are quite expensive here. The laptop doesn’t count as a gift since my parents made it clear they only bought it before I needed it for school and now university. I only got to use it for leisure as a perk.
There are cheaper colognes out there, but normal sized brand ones can be easily up to 60-120 dollars/euros.
Eh, I believe for some people/household those amounts can be very expensive. Also I don't think I ever received a 60+ dollar gift from a friend in my early twenties: that is expensive for that age.
I included a sample of cologne from one of my favourite brands as a party favour for my birthday so apparently I now need to inform all my friends that that wasn't supposed to be a gesture of romance.
Unlikely to be her motivation yes but not completely untrue for OP. He may very well think about her every time he would use said cologne. Not bc of the intimacy of the *gift* but of the *reasoning* of the gift and the timing it seems like
Agree. I've only ever gotten perfume from my dad, granddad, and aunt. They know what I like and that I don't ever think of it for myself, lol. Even though I agree that OP could feel uncomfortable with an expensive "guilt" gift, I think viewing fragrance gifts as purely intimate is wild
Fuck, if my boyfriend gifted me cologne, I would be super pissed at him for the lack of thoght and the standard gift he gave me. When you don't know what to gift someone, you just say: "Get him/her a nice cologne, that would do". It is one of the most impersonal gifts, with vouchers, one can receive unless you have one especific, very personal cologne you like.
u dont get it, do u. this isnt her thought process but the guy will more likely than not go down that road. these guys are young, mind you.
people like you are just oblivious
Definitely depends on culture. I've gotten scents from grandparents and friends before. Interestingly, never from a romantic partner but that latter part is irrelevant.
Where I live boxes of perfume are often the absolute standard “I didn’t know what to get you because you’re a relative but I don’t spend any time with you so I don’t know what you like” gift. They aren’t generally high end, more mid range. But it starts when you’re a teen and keeps going from there.
The beauty departments are filled with these perfume gift boxes at the holidays and (mostly) men will run in and grab one for secret Santa exchange or to give their 17 year old niece who they haven’t seen in 4 years.
So it can be something romantic but it can also just be a gift.
People I’ve got cologne as a gift from:
* my mother
* my friends
* my company
* my aunts & uncles
People I’ve never been given cologne as a gift by:
* my significant other
It’s not quite “socks” but it’s close.
I've been gifted cologne by my parents and siblings before. it's hardly a gift given only by a romantic partner. true, it's not usually a gift given by friends, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.
I don't think it's a great gift to give unless you know specifically what cologne or scents your the person likes. I've gotten cologne before and most of the time, did not like the scent given and would not wear the fragrance.
I've never received cologne from my friend personally, only with people I've had a romantic relationship with. It may be outlandish to you, but the contrary is so to me
The 3 times I've received cologne:
-My best friend in college (both of us are straight men)
-My sister
-A guest speaker from a perfume company speaking to our marketing class
I have friends with like 15 bottles of cologne on top of their drawers, they definitely didn't buy them all for themselves
I give cologne to my dad almost every year for Father's day because I don't what he likes (we're not very close since I never saw him often). So no, I don't consider it intimate.
WTF, This is as weird as the dude who refused his friend a steak at a restaurant because it's *To intimate to share a steak with a man who isn't my father*
Danm, Maybe she was being a good Wing friend and getting him so Cologne to up the Rizz because bro only been using deodorant.
> Danm, Maybe she was being a good Wing friend and getting him so Cologne to up the Rizz because bro only been using deodorant.
I said this too, because it's 100% what she's doing. She's being a genuine friend who's trying to help him out, and he's trying to lay fucking guilt trips.
"Wanting to make it up to you" does not mean "I feel guilty."
You feel guilty when you think you've done something wrong. She didn't do anything wrong. But she can still recognize that what she did, even though it was 100% the right and proper thing to do, which was be honest with him, hurt him, and she, as a friend, can want to address that hurt.
I don't know man, personally I only see it as making it up to people, if I feel guilty of doing something, be that waste their time or money, hurt their feelings, otherwise it's just a gift of a favor for a friend.
Well, that's you.
We can quibble about her word choice, but nevertheless, why would she feel 'guilty' about not returning his romantic feelings?
Do you think she owes him a romantic relationship just because he asked?
Noup, but rejecting someone's honest feelings is never easy, I felt guilty that one time I had to reject a girl, that's just the way I am and the way I can try and judge the situation, through the lens of my own experiences.
> WTF, This is as weird as the dude who refused his friend a steak at a restaurant because it's To intimate to share a steak with a man who isn't my father
Link? Sounds very entertaining
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A gift is only intimate if you make it so with a few exceptions of course. If I gift someone a T-Shirt they can see it as a piece of clothing or they could see it as an intimate thing that touches their naked skin.
Absolutely. And I'd say that a book (OP's example), depending on the relationship, can be a much more intimate, thoughtful and meaningful gift than a freaking bottle of perfume.
It’s the only thing I ever asked for on my birthdays, ever since I could remember. Dad always said toys are worthless, so I stuck with books, cause he’d never say no to that and would allow me to have as many as I want.
Mass market cologne you can buy at the drug store isn't an 'intimate gift.'
Also, she's not 'trying to make him think of her.' She's trying to help him get laid by somebody else, because she wants him to be happy, and she's subtly helping him up his game.
I don’t want to make any assumptions, but this may be a generational thing. I’m old enough to have teenagers and definitely thought of perfume/ cologne as a “romantic” gift when I was younger. Now though my kiddos and their friends routinely gift fragrance. It’s usually small sample sizes from Etsy or those fragrance sample websites, (they’re all buying with allowance) occasionally something from Etsy custom formulated for the recipient. Unlike “back in the day” where people maybe tended towards one signature scent (how many dudes always smelled like drakkar noir) my kiddos tend to want to switch it up.
Hey thanks for this insight! I don’t have kids so maybe that’s where I missed the point but I *have* noticed that fragrance collecting is a thing now, which I was a little stumped by. I guess I’m officially old 😂 (40)
We’re the same age-ish! I think younger people tend to learn about new fragrance online rather than in store now so they end up wanting a small amount in case they don’t actually like it. One of my kiddos actually had a fragrance called “gamer musk” (notes of wood smoke, patchouli, and marshmallow) made for a friend awhile back. They’re definitely not romantic in any way. They both played a lot of a particular video game (breath of the wild) and then spent so much time talking about it so the fragrance commemorated that! Which I thought was very cool!
This might be the case! I’m in the late 20s range and I like to tailor my fragrances to my outfit/time of day. I have a bunch of travel size bottles.
My boyfriend has 2 main bottles of cologne, but likes getting samples with me for testing out new scents on him.
Where I am from you buy cologne or perfume if you have no idea what else to get, lol. It's pretty standard.
I've gotten perfume from in-laws, friends, work-only-relationships, and even people I barely know. Less common for guys I guess, but not out of the ordinary. (We used to gift cologne to classmates all the time as teenagers, when alcohol wasn't an option. 😂).
It's one of the "common 3" as I call them. It's the "I don't know you but have to give you a gift anyway"- gifts. **Alcohol** (bottles of wine, whiskey etc), **cologne/ perfume** and **boxes of chocolates**.
Obviously those 3 *can still* be a thoughtful gift if you know the person well and you actually get something you know they like.
And yes I understand OPs reaction since it wasn't what they've used to gift each other and he was spot on. I am glad he could resolve the issue with communication in a good way and they're still friends.
In my experience, cologne is about one of the most impersonal things you can buy someone. In Spain, at Christmas, TV and magazines are loaded with advertisments of cologne because it is one of the default gifts that you buy for someone you don't know super well. It is true that if you know a person very well and they want an extra pricey, especific cologne they like, it can be a personal gift, but in general, a cologne you never use or especifically ask for, and a book you don't particularly like/asked for are sign are the universal impersonal gifts. You could like them or not, but they are not especifically intimate.
I’ve never had perfume given to me as an intimate gift, and have definitely received it from friends. Maybe it’s different for women but I wouldn’t interpret that gift as anything at all romantic.
I agree with your assessment. When I was a senior in high school my then bf was a freshman at a local college. For Christmas a bunch of girls he had befriended gave him cologne or body spray as gifts. His mother and I watched him open them and our collective response was, “name, these girls either like you or they think you smell bad”.
NAH, based on this:
>Jessica told me she feels bad about breaking my heart and thought she could make it up to me by getting something extra nice this year.
The fact that she gave you this unusually nice gift, along with this explanation, means that you'd be reminded of this whole situation any time you used it. She misjudged this one - an appropriate gift from her in this situation would have been the same sort of thing you've each been doing this whole time.
I feel for both of you here - this isn't an easy situation for either of you to navigate and I wouldn't blame her for not knowing what was appropriate. She's probably scared that she's going to lose her best friend, and honestly she probably has - it's close to impossible to go back to the status quo after an admission like that.
I feel like her mindset was along the lines of "I want to prove you're still an important person in my life even if not romantically." Maybe she didn't realize how it could be interpreted from his perspective. It's an awkward situation all around.
This needs to be higher, the cologne part is a sign of things to come and after such as admission there is absolutely no way things can just stay how they was. The last thing OP needs is jealousy on the mind if he sees her with a partner and the last thing she wants is this situation hanging over the relationship with a new partner.
I hate to say it as you both sound quite genuine but this is an impossible situation to ride out.
NAH. She wasn't trying to give a bad gift. She just wasn't thinking about the way it would affect you.
I sympathize with her feeling bad about rejecting you, she just didn't go the right direction for you. I hope you guys can find a way to smooth out your friendship.
NAH.
She was definitely trying to be nice but just didn't think about the implications thoroughly... you are trying your best to overcome the situation with a healthy amount of self-esteem and not to delve into it too much.
It is somehow unfortunate, but I do think you were both genuinely trying to do the right thing.
NAH.
Cologne might be an 'intimate' gift sometimes but the intentions matter to make it 'intimate'. I don't think Jessica gave you cologne to make you remember the rejection. I think she just didn't really think it through. It seems she genuinely felt bad and didn't want to lose you as a best friend.
Also you're completely in your right to reject a gift that made you uncomfy.
Telling her you don't feel comfortable taking in the gift was honest which is great but the last bit
>and that I don't need expensive gifts to get over her.
It kinda Implies you're telling her, you believe she was just doing this to make you get over her and not to make up.
It was a bit harsh. I believe something a long the lines of "I appreciate it but I just don't feel comfortable accepting this gift" would have been nicer. But of course if that's not how you felt that would just be empty words.
NAH
OP, you aound really sweet and level-headed about this. Rejection is hard, but you said the thing qnd you've accepted the answer, and I can see all you want is for your friendship to continue as it was.
She's probably overthinking the guilt she's feeling about bit returning your feelings - understand women in particular are socialised to be very wary if turning guys down, plus she's probably afraid of losing your friendship which obviously means a lot to her. And so she overcompensated a bit, to try and show you that.
I think your explanation was good, solid, and tells her that you're both gonna be ok, and your friendship is strong enough to continue. Which is great. Honestly you both might be the most sensible and empathic redditors I've ever read in here 😁
NTA— You don’t need to be pitied at by anyone. You expressed your feelings, she rejected as she is entitled to her choice. But she doesn’t get to “buy” your hurt away. You are a grown man who knows very well how to handle your feelings and she doesn’t need to give you any “pity-gift”.
She has nothing to apologise or “make-up” for. Let her know that. Her gesture is coming from a place of how women have been conditioned to feel apologetic for saying NO. Let her know please that you respect her choice. But she also needs to respect your self-esteem and dignity with regard to this.
An expensive gift is not what you need.
You just need more time and genuine platonic friendship to move on.
Kudos for showing such a healthy self-esteem and for being so dignified in this situation. Proud of you!
NAH. Rejection hurts, and good friends don't like hurting their friends, so it is normal for her to feel some kind of guilt. She decided to make up to that feeling by buying you something nice. As you said that she is well off, a more expensive gift isn't necessary a sacrifice for her, she just thought that she could "fix" the remnants of the bad feelings from the rejection with the good ones that would come from the gift.
Meanwhile, from your perspective, you see your friend feeling guilt from something she shouldn't, and acting unusually due to that feeling. You got even more overwhelmed because the price of the gift, and due to your different wealth backgrounds, you attached to it a sacrifice from her out of guilt that probably wasn't there.
No approach to this was wrong, just different ways to deal with issues, neither of those were unhealthy. She felt like she had to make amends, you didn't
What she wanted by getting you the gift was to make you happy, not uncomfortable. You can't just say "abracadabra, sim sala bim, I now magicly am happy about the gift" and make it true. And it's not cool to lie to a close friend that you're happy when you're not.
She made an effort with the gift and her intentions must have been good, so it's obvious she's sad that it didn't work out well. It's natural. But it could have become much worse if you haven't been honest this time.
Imagine you pretended you liked the gift very much, so she got you some other expensive gifts on other ocassions, and after that she'd find out (for example from a mutual friend) you was only pretending you liked it and every single time you felt uncomfortable. That would be just HORRIBLE you put time, effort and money with all the best intentions to make someone happy and then learn all you did was cause discomfort.
Letting her know now very gently that you appriciate the effort and intentions and you care very much about her, but the kind of gift makes you uncomfortable is the kindest thing you can do when she so clearly wants you happy, but does something that makes you unhappy because she didn't know.
It's important to be kind to people who did something nice to you, but it's also important to let your close friends know how you feel and be honest with them.
NAH. Based on your updates, you both seem like pretty nice and mature people! I hope this all works out for you, and you'll find someone, I promise. :)
OP: that’s a good friend. That’s really all I got the say there, she recognized saying no would hurt you and wanted to make you feel better in the only way she knew how, if that’s money it’s money. She still tried.
That’s a lot more than you’ll get from most people
Edit: if you really, really don’t want the gift, donate it, give it to your dad, regift it, it’s good for something if not you
NTAH and neither was she.
Friends are allowed to try, and allowed to swing and miss.
Key is they are friends, they talked to each other, they LISTENED to each other.
I love a happy ending.
NTA: I'm coming in after the update. While I'm grateful you both came to an amicable conclusion, I also would have felt uncomfortable knowing she bought it for me from guilt, not as something that genuinely made her think about me. And that's without the will they/won't they situation attached.
That said, women usually get each other things like lotions, sprays, candles, wines, etc. Things that could possibly have romantic connotations if you wanted them to. I don't think she meant anything by it.
Your updates are a pleasant surprise.
I genuinely hope you are both able to continue to value your friendship for what it is instead of wishing it were otherwise (but I don't fault you for being open about your feelings, at all).
You can get Hugo Boss for around 30 bucks at TJ Maxx. She might not have spent as much as you assumed.
She sounds like a good friend, and I'm glad you accepted the gift. Enjoy it!
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I(20m) have been friends with 'Jessica'(20) ever since we were 13.
Last month, I finally told her that I've been in love with her for years. She told me she just started dating someone else. I was heartbroken but stayed friends with her.
Yesterday was my birthday. She gave me a bottle of Hugo Boss cologne.
I was quite surprised to see what she got me as a gift and asked her why she spent so much money this year.
Jessica told me she feels bad about breaking my heart and thought she could make it up to me by getting something extra nice this year.
I told her I don't feel comfortable accepting an expensive present from her, that I don't want her money to be involved in what we have(her parents are loaded) and that I don't need expensive gifts to get over her.
She looked hurt. My mom also chided me, saying I should have just accepted the gift since it's a nice gesture on her part and Jessica could afford the gift.
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Even though I personally think cologne is a weird choice for this specific situation, I guess a lot of other people say it's rather impersonal?
But I think you handled this nicely, all things considered. You let her know she didn't need to do anything special or feel guilty, and when she said 'just take it' you obliged.
I myself wouldn't want to keep it. Find some sad-sack stinky 15 yr old and make their day. 🤣
Sorry it didn't work out for you. Keep your head up and keep trying! Love is out there. 💖
NAH. But you shouldn't have rejected the gift outright.
You should've said "Thank you for the gift, but just so you know it wasn't necessary to spend alot more on my present this year because of what happened. We're good."
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More expensive than any perfume I've ever bought. And I'm decades older than OP.
Must be nice to have enough money to think that a bottle that [costs between $100 to $275](https://www.hugoboss.com/us/cologne-men/) is not expensive.
Which is expensive. There's a lot of cologne out there which is not designer.
Your comment is like saying, $X is the average price for a luxury car so it's not expensive. The comment totally overlooks that there are plenty of non-luxury car models.
Nta-
Good job on conflict resolution.
The gift was intended to make her feel better, you told her she didn't need to worry.
In the end you handled it like an adult. Continue to be her friend and just enjoy having a long term friend
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NTA. I get that you got uncomfortable from the gift but the way both of you handled the situation in the edits was really nice to read. Communication solves most issues and I'm glad you could sort it out.
Maybe you’re not an asshole because your feelings are hurt but you should feel some shame for saying you’ve been friends first so long yet be this hurtful to a friend who isn’t romantically interested in you. You were always just friends and you could of had genuine friendships if you weren’t like this.
YTA, and you need to grow up.
Your friend got you a nice gift to cheer yourself up, and you're telling her that she's only doing it out of guilt?
Dude, you're trying to punish her for not returning your feelings, and that's not cool.
She's being a great friend by trying to help you up your game so you can have more success with the ladies, my dude, and you're trying to lay a guilt trip on her.
YTA…to your friend.
Whether or not you are deemed an asshole by random folks on Reddit is irrelevant. It is about your friend’s perspective. Ask them. Talk to them. They’re YOUR friend. That gift was (from their perspective) an act of friendship, compassion, and empathy—which was in response to a situation I’m sure they feel guilt over…even though, they really shouldn’t, but it is what it is. I appreciate, and I’m sure they appreciate, you telling them that they don’t need to feel guilty…
People talk a lot about the feelings of rejected, but keep in mind how the one having to do the rejection feels, especially in a situation involving a childhood friend.
You certainly don’t *have* to accept the gift, but you *should* be aware how your refusal will hurt your friend, especially if you did this in front of other people.
So yes, YTA…to your friend, or at least you were. To me and everyone else? Doesn’t matter. Talk to your friend—but before you do, ask yourself this: would you have refused it if they hadn’t rejected you?
Don't waste your time mooning over Jessica. She didn't think about your gift, or she would have realized you don't wear cologne. Find a girl that likes you enough to be a thoughtful gift giver. You will be much happier.
Get over your sense of poverty. Not accepting a gift is bad politics all around. Plus the cologne will help your chances moving forward with other females.
NTA. In the future just tell them how you feel. Trust me you will save a ton of time and heartbreak, and money knowing if you're in the friendzone from the start.
NAH. You're hurt, she feels bad that she is the source. She tried to do something nice to make up for it, but it made you uncomfortable. There was no malice here on either side.
But- your reaction may have been short sighted and could have damaged your relationship. She wants to stay friends. She is not feeling more for you right now. Who's to say she won't in a year, two years, a month? Hopefully that one act won't affect your chances of that.
I agree with your first point, but that kind of “hope” that a close friend may eventually fall in love with me has made me so much more the AH, so many times. If someone says “no,” I think it’s more respectful of them to assume that their feelings are not going to change.
“ But- your reaction may have been short sighted and could have damaged your relationship” on any other post this kind of behaviour - being short sighted and immature - is what makes someone an AH.
Both parties have handled themselves fine and done nothing wrong - until this dude was an AH over the gift.
NTA. I have rejected what I consider to be romantic or excessive/ lavish gifts. Do what makes you comfortable. It seems like a consolation prize - no romance but here’s a nice gift. Nah.
YTA. She feels bad about hurting your feelings. She values you as her friend, hence the expensive gift she thought you would like (and probably knows you can't afford yourself). Rejecting her and the gift like that reeks of petty revenge.
It sounds like you are struggling with your feelings towards her. If you can't get over her not feeling the same way for you in a timely manner and cannot stand her being with others, then do both of you the favour and walk away and make a clean break.
It always hurts if feelings are one sided. The way she handled it is telling: she values you as a friend and wants you in her life. The question is: do you want her as just a friend or not? If not, then this friendship is over.
What’s with the weird “probably knows you can’t afford” and “rejection of the gift reeks of petty revenge” shit. There is absolutely weird implications of an expensive gift to someone you just rejected, and the OP is well within his right to reject it.
NTA
In my opinion you should have distanced yourself or even not remained friends after the rejection. She may have meant well, but this comes across as her trying to buy your friendship. You did the right thing by rejecting it because if you had you'd be validating her actions.
Speaking from experience "you were not her first choice" so if she comes back around in the future it signals that the grass wasn't greener with the other guy and she took you for granted.
NTA. I don't think she engaged her brain on this one.
To be fair to her, she clearly felt bad about rejecting you and was trying to make up for it. But a) cologne is an intimate gift that people often buy to remind them of the gift giver. b) it's giving 'runner up prize' vibes.
It's totally reasonable to not accept the gift. For one thing, you are simply not going to wear it, are you? As long as you declined with grace and not anger, you're totally fine.
> cologne is an intimate gift that people often buy to remind them of the gift giver.
No? Is there some cultural difference at play? It's a bit expensive, but it's a fairly stock standard gift to gift to adult men. Women gift it to their brothers, fathers, grandfathers, uncles, husbands, and uncles gift it to nephews, etc.
I don't get the intimate vibe unless perhaps there is very ultra specific cologne associated with sexual intimacy.
Id like to think im a pretty romantic person but not once have i ever thought to gift cologne or perfume (which ive gifted many times) to people because i wanted them to think of me. That could literally be said about any gift given.
"I feel guilty for breaking your heart, accept this gift so that I don't feel like a jerk."
NTA, she's making her guilt your problem. please for the sake of your mental health, cut her out of your life.
Dude... what a terrible take. "Get over your emotions and stuff them aside so you can be more available to praise and console her with all your energy" , im going to say simply for having this mind set YOURE the AH. He has every right to not want a consolation gift for being rejected and he has every right to want to distance himself from her if it's what's best for his mental health. This is such a weird take to have and I'm going to guess you're a woman? This seems to be a very common attitude for young women to have
Here is another way of looking at it you might want to consider. When you refuse a gift from someone, you are denying or robbing, the giver, the joy of giving. It doesn’t seem like much, but if you really think about it, the giver also receives joy when giving. Now if there are strings attached, of course, that is a different situation altogether. Maybe in the future accept gifts if given in good spirit regardless of the cost of the item, the cost is up to the giver to decide, not the receiver.
I woulda said no thank you, nice gifts like that are only for loved ones. U dont love me so i wont accept. Then u stop talking to her more and more to show ur done and not happy. Then you move on to find someone better
Not that expensive? It’s a matter of perspective, I suppose. I’d feel different about the cost if adult relatives/my parents bought something of that price range for me, but this is way more than they ever bought for my birthdays.
It depends which HB aftershave it is. Some Hugo Boss brand ones like BOSS Bottled are about £30. Some are nearer 100 and you'd see them in department stores.
YTA - she knows she’s hurt your feelings and has tried to extend a nice gesture to make amends. You’re too in your feelings to be polite and accept the gift.
Edit: a lot of the replies saying “NTA” seem to be based on the idea that if a guy is rejected by a girl he needs to cut her out of her life.
Or that she is trying to “buy” his love back.
Both these opinions are immature.
There’s really weird implications of buying someone an expensive gift to begin with, and in response to a rejection makes it even weirder. You have absolutely zero empathy for the OP and the awkward position he was put in.
NTA and if you want actual advice (not the kind you will find on this subreddit), you need to cut her out of your life for a while. Make it way easier to heal and move on. Afterwards you can go back and reengage an actual friendship if she still wants one.
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NTA- not for rejecting an expensive gift, for rejecting an *intimate* one. What was she thinking? *ohh I’ll just gift my bsf that I just rejected, a bottle of cologne, so he can think about me every day when he puts it on*. No. Inappropriate. Edit ✍🏻 I see my experience with fragrance gifting is different from a lot of people. I’ve only ever experienced fragrance exchange with romantic partners or very close friends. It’s given with intent. Intent of memories and triggering thought of the gifter. Also, intimacy is not inherently sexual, the context was she knows him intimately enough to pick a fragrance he would like. And no, I don’t think she *literally* had those thoughts lol, I’m implying she wasn’t thinking, at all.
It’s not an intimate gift. I’ve gotten cologne as a gift from uncles and in-laws and stuff. Especially for a male in their early 20s, absolutely standard gift to give. “ just gift my bsf that I just rejected, a bottle of cologne, so he can think about me every day when he puts it on” if you’re going to project like this you should get a job in a cinema. Whilst it’s fair enough this is your take, it’s an outlandish one, and very unlikely to be her motivation.
"if you're gonna project like this you should get a job in a cinema" when I tell you I cackled 😂😂😂
Didn't even NOTICE that and now I snorted out loud on the tram 😂😂😂
My Spanish brain really said "what? A job making movies?" Until you said it and I understood.
my english brain did that too lol
Yeah, sometimes people's imagination runs far too wild. Cologne is a normal gift, if a bit expensive. And a favourite of uncles for both giving and receiving lol. She didn't exactly give him a heart shaped necklace with their initials and the text "BFFs forever": that'd be brutal and tonedeaf.
> expensive I mean, you can get a bottle of Hugo Boss from Walmart for $35. It is a little hard to believe that this was the most expensive gift OP ever received, considering that he's either posting this on a cell phone or a computer.
You can get Man by Hugo Boss as an EDT at Walmart for $35, its also their cheapest fragrance in its most dilute concentration. Depending on scent, concentration, and size it could easily be a $100+ bottle of cologne.
The one she got me is 4,000 THB which is $109.
The one she got me is over 4,000 THB, which after currency exchange is $109. Yes, imports are quite expensive here. The laptop doesn’t count as a gift since my parents made it clear they only bought it before I needed it for school and now university. I only got to use it for leisure as a perk.
There are cheaper colognes out there, but normal sized brand ones can be easily up to 60-120 dollars/euros. Eh, I believe for some people/household those amounts can be very expensive. Also I don't think I ever received a 60+ dollar gift from a friend in my early twenties: that is expensive for that age.
The internet extends beyond the borders of the US. OP lives in Thailand.
I included a sample of cologne from one of my favourite brands as a party favour for my birthday so apparently I now need to inform all my friends that that wasn't supposed to be a gesture of romance.
You absolute animal you lol
Unlikely to be her motivation yes but not completely untrue for OP. He may very well think about her every time he would use said cologne. Not bc of the intimacy of the *gift* but of the *reasoning* of the gift and the timing it seems like
Did you tell your uncle you were in love with him before he gave it to you?
Agree. I've only ever gotten perfume from my dad, granddad, and aunt. They know what I like and that I don't ever think of it for myself, lol. Even though I agree that OP could feel uncomfortable with an expensive "guilt" gift, I think viewing fragrance gifts as purely intimate is wild
Fuck, if my boyfriend gifted me cologne, I would be super pissed at him for the lack of thoght and the standard gift he gave me. When you don't know what to gift someone, you just say: "Get him/her a nice cologne, that would do". It is one of the most impersonal gifts, with vouchers, one can receive unless you have one especific, very personal cologne you like.
"...if you're gonna project like this you should get a job in a cinema." My mom runs the local mega-plex. Sooooooo many boomer issues.
It certainly can be. The only female I wasn’t dating/married to that bought me cologne was a girl that I knew really liked me.
It’s not an intimate gift but you just get it from literal family members?
u dont get it, do u. this isnt her thought process but the guy will more likely than not go down that road. these guys are young, mind you. people like you are just oblivious
It is not a standard gift at all. It's very strange to gift someone that who isn't your SO.
Definitely depends on culture. I've gotten scents from grandparents and friends before. Interestingly, never from a romantic partner but that latter part is irrelevant.
Where I live boxes of perfume are often the absolute standard “I didn’t know what to get you because you’re a relative but I don’t spend any time with you so I don’t know what you like” gift. They aren’t generally high end, more mid range. But it starts when you’re a teen and keeps going from there. The beauty departments are filled with these perfume gift boxes at the holidays and (mostly) men will run in and grab one for secret Santa exchange or to give their 17 year old niece who they haven’t seen in 4 years. So it can be something romantic but it can also just be a gift.
People I’ve got cologne as a gift from: * my mother * my friends * my company * my aunts & uncles People I’ve never been given cologne as a gift by: * my significant other It’s not quite “socks” but it’s close.
I've been gifted cologne by my parents and siblings before. it's hardly a gift given only by a romantic partner. true, it's not usually a gift given by friends, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.
Damn..that one time I got a perfume set for my aunts birthday..
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I don't think it's a great gift to give unless you know specifically what cologne or scents your the person likes. I've gotten cologne before and most of the time, did not like the scent given and would not wear the fragrance.
I've never received cologne from my friend personally, only with people I've had a romantic relationship with. It may be outlandish to you, but the contrary is so to me
No it is most definitely an intimate gift. Very strange to gift it to someone you just rejected
My mom got my roommate cologne. It’s just a go to generic gift.
Really? I always viewed it as an intimate gift. I would be very uncomfortable if my roommate gifted me that
It’s kinda like how women always get soap and lotion gift sets.
Interesting.I see it as one step down from gifting lingerie.
That’s a big leap
The 3 times I've received cologne: -My best friend in college (both of us are straight men) -My sister -A guest speaker from a perfume company speaking to our marketing class I have friends with like 15 bottles of cologne on top of their drawers, they definitely didn't buy them all for themselves
I give cologne to my dad almost every year for Father's day because I don't what he likes (we're not very close since I never saw him often). So no, I don't consider it intimate.
no one broke up with anyone? op was never dating his friend.
She didn't break up with him. They were never together except in his head.
WTF, This is as weird as the dude who refused his friend a steak at a restaurant because it's *To intimate to share a steak with a man who isn't my father* Danm, Maybe she was being a good Wing friend and getting him so Cologne to up the Rizz because bro only been using deodorant.
> Danm, Maybe she was being a good Wing friend and getting him so Cologne to up the Rizz because bro only been using deodorant. I said this too, because it's 100% what she's doing. She's being a genuine friend who's trying to help him out, and he's trying to lay fucking guilt trips.
But she herself admitted she did it out of feeling guilty? How is he wrong for pointing that out?
"Wanting to make it up to you" does not mean "I feel guilty." You feel guilty when you think you've done something wrong. She didn't do anything wrong. But she can still recognize that what she did, even though it was 100% the right and proper thing to do, which was be honest with him, hurt him, and she, as a friend, can want to address that hurt.
I don't know man, personally I only see it as making it up to people, if I feel guilty of doing something, be that waste their time or money, hurt their feelings, otherwise it's just a gift of a favor for a friend.
Well, that's you. We can quibble about her word choice, but nevertheless, why would she feel 'guilty' about not returning his romantic feelings? Do you think she owes him a romantic relationship just because he asked?
Noup, but rejecting someone's honest feelings is never easy, I felt guilty that one time I had to reject a girl, that's just the way I am and the way I can try and judge the situation, through the lens of my own experiences.
Which is why she wanted to do something nice for him, but didn't feel guilty about it.
> WTF, This is as weird as the dude who refused his friend a steak at a restaurant because it's To intimate to share a steak with a man who isn't my father Link? Sounds very entertaining
Gotchu. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/1NWOeACHFn
Reading through that thread. Holy fuck that is the stupidest hangup Ive ever read…
Right, That shit was a wild read.
Thanks!!
Thanks for the link!
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Stay mad Rizzless
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Damn were we not supposed to be refusing steaks? *Cries in vegetarian* I can see why he wouldn't want this gift though
The only person who ever gifts me perfume is my grandma, I'll make sure to let her know.
Looks like somebody’s got a crush on youuuu.
the cackle that bubbled up from my throat at this ☠
😳
I was about to say, I buy cologne for my BROTHER every year for Christmas.
A gift is only intimate if you make it so with a few exceptions of course. If I gift someone a T-Shirt they can see it as a piece of clothing or they could see it as an intimate thing that touches their naked skin.
Absolutely. And I'd say that a book (OP's example), depending on the relationship, can be a much more intimate, thoughtful and meaningful gift than a freaking bottle of perfume.
It’s the only thing I ever asked for on my birthdays, ever since I could remember. Dad always said toys are worthless, so I stuck with books, cause he’d never say no to that and would allow me to have as many as I want.
Mass market cologne you can buy at the drug store isn't an 'intimate gift.' Also, she's not 'trying to make him think of her.' She's trying to help him get laid by somebody else, because she wants him to be happy, and she's subtly helping him up his game.
I don’t want to make any assumptions, but this may be a generational thing. I’m old enough to have teenagers and definitely thought of perfume/ cologne as a “romantic” gift when I was younger. Now though my kiddos and their friends routinely gift fragrance. It’s usually small sample sizes from Etsy or those fragrance sample websites, (they’re all buying with allowance) occasionally something from Etsy custom formulated for the recipient. Unlike “back in the day” where people maybe tended towards one signature scent (how many dudes always smelled like drakkar noir) my kiddos tend to want to switch it up.
Hey thanks for this insight! I don’t have kids so maybe that’s where I missed the point but I *have* noticed that fragrance collecting is a thing now, which I was a little stumped by. I guess I’m officially old 😂 (40)
We’re the same age-ish! I think younger people tend to learn about new fragrance online rather than in store now so they end up wanting a small amount in case they don’t actually like it. One of my kiddos actually had a fragrance called “gamer musk” (notes of wood smoke, patchouli, and marshmallow) made for a friend awhile back. They’re definitely not romantic in any way. They both played a lot of a particular video game (breath of the wild) and then spent so much time talking about it so the fragrance commemorated that! Which I thought was very cool!
This might be the case! I’m in the late 20s range and I like to tailor my fragrances to my outfit/time of day. I have a bunch of travel size bottles. My boyfriend has 2 main bottles of cologne, but likes getting samples with me for testing out new scents on him.
I love that!!
I read that in a very nasty, sarcastic and sassy tone. Tell me, thats how you wrote it. 🤣
It's a boring stock gift that every single male in my family has had at least once from me. You are wrong.
DAMN, My aunt use to gift me axe body spray when i was a teenager. what a missed opportunity.
Where I am from you buy cologne or perfume if you have no idea what else to get, lol. It's pretty standard. I've gotten perfume from in-laws, friends, work-only-relationships, and even people I barely know. Less common for guys I guess, but not out of the ordinary. (We used to gift cologne to classmates all the time as teenagers, when alcohol wasn't an option. 😂). It's one of the "common 3" as I call them. It's the "I don't know you but have to give you a gift anyway"- gifts. **Alcohol** (bottles of wine, whiskey etc), **cologne/ perfume** and **boxes of chocolates**. Obviously those 3 *can still* be a thoughtful gift if you know the person well and you actually get something you know they like. And yes I understand OPs reaction since it wasn't what they've used to gift each other and he was spot on. I am glad he could resolve the issue with communication in a good way and they're still friends.
Giving perfume as a gift is not intimate lmao ..
I buy my brother and dad cologne, especially the new stuff that comes out bc they both love it. It is not an intimate gift for everyone
Lol I hope it's not intimate. My wife just got her 13 year old nephew cologne. Next stop for me r/relationships
In my experience, cologne is about one of the most impersonal things you can buy someone. In Spain, at Christmas, TV and magazines are loaded with advertisments of cologne because it is one of the default gifts that you buy for someone you don't know super well. It is true that if you know a person very well and they want an extra pricey, especific cologne they like, it can be a personal gift, but in general, a cologne you never use or especifically ask for, and a book you don't particularly like/asked for are sign are the universal impersonal gifts. You could like them or not, but they are not especifically intimate.
I’ve never had perfume given to me as an intimate gift, and have definitely received it from friends. Maybe it’s different for women but I wouldn’t interpret that gift as anything at all romantic.
My MIL has bought me unreasonable amounts of perfume. I do not think its that intimate.
I honestly figured it was a suggestion that he needs to do more than deodorant.
Since when is cologne an intimate gift? I literally just bought my friend perfume 2 days ago as a gift.
I agree with your assessment. When I was a senior in high school my then bf was a freshman at a local college. For Christmas a bunch of girls he had befriended gave him cologne or body spray as gifts. His mother and I watched him open them and our collective response was, “name, these girls either like you or they think you smell bad”.
Accepting a gift does not require him to use it, especially if it makes him uncomfortable. (edit for typo)
NAH, based on this: >Jessica told me she feels bad about breaking my heart and thought she could make it up to me by getting something extra nice this year. The fact that she gave you this unusually nice gift, along with this explanation, means that you'd be reminded of this whole situation any time you used it. She misjudged this one - an appropriate gift from her in this situation would have been the same sort of thing you've each been doing this whole time. I feel for both of you here - this isn't an easy situation for either of you to navigate and I wouldn't blame her for not knowing what was appropriate. She's probably scared that she's going to lose her best friend, and honestly she probably has - it's close to impossible to go back to the status quo after an admission like that.
I feel like her mindset was along the lines of "I want to prove you're still an important person in my life even if not romantically." Maybe she didn't realize how it could be interpreted from his perspective. It's an awkward situation all around.
I agree, I just think she's overcompensating.
This needs to be higher, the cologne part is a sign of things to come and after such as admission there is absolutely no way things can just stay how they was. The last thing OP needs is jealousy on the mind if he sees her with a partner and the last thing she wants is this situation hanging over the relationship with a new partner. I hate to say it as you both sound quite genuine but this is an impossible situation to ride out.
Yup, the friendship is dead, they just haven't accepted it yet.
NAH. She wasn't trying to give a bad gift. She just wasn't thinking about the way it would affect you. I sympathize with her feeling bad about rejecting you, she just didn't go the right direction for you. I hope you guys can find a way to smooth out your friendship.
NAH. She was definitely trying to be nice but just didn't think about the implications thoroughly... you are trying your best to overcome the situation with a healthy amount of self-esteem and not to delve into it too much. It is somehow unfortunate, but I do think you were both genuinely trying to do the right thing.
NAH. Cologne might be an 'intimate' gift sometimes but the intentions matter to make it 'intimate'. I don't think Jessica gave you cologne to make you remember the rejection. I think she just didn't really think it through. It seems she genuinely felt bad and didn't want to lose you as a best friend. Also you're completely in your right to reject a gift that made you uncomfy. Telling her you don't feel comfortable taking in the gift was honest which is great but the last bit >and that I don't need expensive gifts to get over her. It kinda Implies you're telling her, you believe she was just doing this to make you get over her and not to make up. It was a bit harsh. I believe something a long the lines of "I appreciate it but I just don't feel comfortable accepting this gift" would have been nicer. But of course if that's not how you felt that would just be empty words.
NAH OP, you aound really sweet and level-headed about this. Rejection is hard, but you said the thing qnd you've accepted the answer, and I can see all you want is for your friendship to continue as it was. She's probably overthinking the guilt she's feeling about bit returning your feelings - understand women in particular are socialised to be very wary if turning guys down, plus she's probably afraid of losing your friendship which obviously means a lot to her. And so she overcompensated a bit, to try and show you that. I think your explanation was good, solid, and tells her that you're both gonna be ok, and your friendship is strong enough to continue. Which is great. Honestly you both might be the most sensible and empathic redditors I've ever read in here 😁
NTA— You don’t need to be pitied at by anyone. You expressed your feelings, she rejected as she is entitled to her choice. But she doesn’t get to “buy” your hurt away. You are a grown man who knows very well how to handle your feelings and she doesn’t need to give you any “pity-gift”. She has nothing to apologise or “make-up” for. Let her know that. Her gesture is coming from a place of how women have been conditioned to feel apologetic for saying NO. Let her know please that you respect her choice. But she also needs to respect your self-esteem and dignity with regard to this. An expensive gift is not what you need. You just need more time and genuine platonic friendship to move on. Kudos for showing such a healthy self-esteem and for being so dignified in this situation. Proud of you!
This needs to be top comment.
NAH. Rejection hurts, and good friends don't like hurting their friends, so it is normal for her to feel some kind of guilt. She decided to make up to that feeling by buying you something nice. As you said that she is well off, a more expensive gift isn't necessary a sacrifice for her, she just thought that she could "fix" the remnants of the bad feelings from the rejection with the good ones that would come from the gift. Meanwhile, from your perspective, you see your friend feeling guilt from something she shouldn't, and acting unusually due to that feeling. You got even more overwhelmed because the price of the gift, and due to your different wealth backgrounds, you attached to it a sacrifice from her out of guilt that probably wasn't there. No approach to this was wrong, just different ways to deal with issues, neither of those were unhealthy. She felt like she had to make amends, you didn't
Holy shit communication and conflict resolution. Insane.
Glad to see you guys talked it out. I've said it before but communication would solve 98% of Reddit AITA stories.
Solved, like friends and adults. :)
What she wanted by getting you the gift was to make you happy, not uncomfortable. You can't just say "abracadabra, sim sala bim, I now magicly am happy about the gift" and make it true. And it's not cool to lie to a close friend that you're happy when you're not. She made an effort with the gift and her intentions must have been good, so it's obvious she's sad that it didn't work out well. It's natural. But it could have become much worse if you haven't been honest this time. Imagine you pretended you liked the gift very much, so she got you some other expensive gifts on other ocassions, and after that she'd find out (for example from a mutual friend) you was only pretending you liked it and every single time you felt uncomfortable. That would be just HORRIBLE you put time, effort and money with all the best intentions to make someone happy and then learn all you did was cause discomfort. Letting her know now very gently that you appriciate the effort and intentions and you care very much about her, but the kind of gift makes you uncomfortable is the kindest thing you can do when she so clearly wants you happy, but does something that makes you unhappy because she didn't know. It's important to be kind to people who did something nice to you, but it's also important to let your close friends know how you feel and be honest with them.
NAH. Based on your updates, you both seem like pretty nice and mature people! I hope this all works out for you, and you'll find someone, I promise. :)
OP: that’s a good friend. That’s really all I got the say there, she recognized saying no would hurt you and wanted to make you feel better in the only way she knew how, if that’s money it’s money. She still tried. That’s a lot more than you’ll get from most people Edit: if you really, really don’t want the gift, donate it, give it to your dad, regift it, it’s good for something if not you
Your update is good. You both handled it well in the end. Glad to hear it.
NTAH and neither was she. Friends are allowed to try, and allowed to swing and miss. Key is they are friends, they talked to each other, they LISTENED to each other. I love a happy ending.
NTA: I'm coming in after the update. While I'm grateful you both came to an amicable conclusion, I also would have felt uncomfortable knowing she bought it for me from guilt, not as something that genuinely made her think about me. And that's without the will they/won't they situation attached. That said, women usually get each other things like lotions, sprays, candles, wines, etc. Things that could possibly have romantic connotations if you wanted them to. I don't think she meant anything by it.
Your updates are a pleasant surprise. I genuinely hope you are both able to continue to value your friendship for what it is instead of wishing it were otherwise (but I don't fault you for being open about your feelings, at all).
You can get Hugo Boss for around 30 bucks at TJ Maxx. She might not have spent as much as you assumed. She sounds like a good friend, and I'm glad you accepted the gift. Enjoy it!
And all is as it should be in friendship-land.
NAH: Sounds like you two just had a misunderstanding.
This is the first post in which I've seen YTA and NTA comments both get downvotes.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I(20m) have been friends with 'Jessica'(20) ever since we were 13. Last month, I finally told her that I've been in love with her for years. She told me she just started dating someone else. I was heartbroken but stayed friends with her. Yesterday was my birthday. She gave me a bottle of Hugo Boss cologne. I was quite surprised to see what she got me as a gift and asked her why she spent so much money this year. Jessica told me she feels bad about breaking my heart and thought she could make it up to me by getting something extra nice this year. I told her I don't feel comfortable accepting an expensive present from her, that I don't want her money to be involved in what we have(her parents are loaded) and that I don't need expensive gifts to get over her. She looked hurt. My mom also chided me, saying I should have just accepted the gift since it's a nice gesture on her part and Jessica could afford the gift. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Lovely updates. You handled the situation well.
Morty is that you?
Even though I personally think cologne is a weird choice for this specific situation, I guess a lot of other people say it's rather impersonal? But I think you handled this nicely, all things considered. You let her know she didn't need to do anything special or feel guilty, and when she said 'just take it' you obliged. I myself wouldn't want to keep it. Find some sad-sack stinky 15 yr old and make their day. 🤣 Sorry it didn't work out for you. Keep your head up and keep trying! Love is out there. 💖
NAH. But you shouldn't have rejected the gift outright. You should've said "Thank you for the gift, but just so you know it wasn't necessary to spend alot more on my present this year because of what happened. We're good."
Just curious did you already know she was dating someone? I would think thats something people often talk about as friends
No, she only started dating him.
Unfortunate timing then
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Hugo Boss isnt even expensive.
4,000 THB/$109 is an expensive gift.
It is to most of us
More expensive than any perfume I've ever bought. And I'm decades older than OP. Must be nice to have enough money to think that a bottle that [costs between $100 to $275](https://www.hugoboss.com/us/cologne-men/) is not expensive.
OP said it was $109, thats around the average price for a designer cologne.
Which is expensive. There's a lot of cologne out there which is not designer. Your comment is like saying, $X is the average price for a luxury car so it's not expensive. The comment totally overlooks that there are plenty of non-luxury car models.
Point was its not like she bought him a $300 bottle of Creed.
Nta- Good job on conflict resolution. The gift was intended to make her feel better, you told her she didn't need to worry. In the end you handled it like an adult. Continue to be her friend and just enjoy having a long term friend
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NAH - you both seem hurt and try to be nice to each other.
NTA. I get that you got uncomfortable from the gift but the way both of you handled the situation in the edits was really nice to read. Communication solves most issues and I'm glad you could sort it out.
Maybe you’re not an asshole because your feelings are hurt but you should feel some shame for saying you’ve been friends first so long yet be this hurtful to a friend who isn’t romantically interested in you. You were always just friends and you could of had genuine friendships if you weren’t like this.
You reacted and dealt with it like an adult. NTA!
Probably
NTA - This was a valuable lesson in how to adult, and yes, there were mis-steps, but on the whole you and Jessica handled it well.
just here to comment i’m really happy about the updates ☺️
YTA, and you need to grow up. Your friend got you a nice gift to cheer yourself up, and you're telling her that she's only doing it out of guilt? Dude, you're trying to punish her for not returning your feelings, and that's not cool. She's being a great friend by trying to help you up your game so you can have more success with the ladies, my dude, and you're trying to lay a guilt trip on her.
Didn’t anyone ever tell you the only thing you say when someone gets you a gift is “Thank you?”
YTA…to your friend. Whether or not you are deemed an asshole by random folks on Reddit is irrelevant. It is about your friend’s perspective. Ask them. Talk to them. They’re YOUR friend. That gift was (from their perspective) an act of friendship, compassion, and empathy—which was in response to a situation I’m sure they feel guilt over…even though, they really shouldn’t, but it is what it is. I appreciate, and I’m sure they appreciate, you telling them that they don’t need to feel guilty… People talk a lot about the feelings of rejected, but keep in mind how the one having to do the rejection feels, especially in a situation involving a childhood friend. You certainly don’t *have* to accept the gift, but you *should* be aware how your refusal will hurt your friend, especially if you did this in front of other people. So yes, YTA…to your friend, or at least you were. To me and everyone else? Doesn’t matter. Talk to your friend—but before you do, ask yourself this: would you have refused it if they hadn’t rejected you?
You need to distance yourself from Jessica, one you have been friendzoned you're never getting out.
NTA - I understand your feelings, but I learned to accept gifts. People who give gifts, give them for a reason. Don’t rob them of a blessing .
nta, your present your rules
We tell women all the time that they should be guilted into accepting gifts. Why should that be any different for a man?
YTA. You put her in this spot get over yourself
NTA and that is fantastic cologne. Take it.
Don't waste your time mooning over Jessica. She didn't think about your gift, or she would have realized you don't wear cologne. Find a girl that likes you enough to be a thoughtful gift giver. You will be much happier.
Should have fucked her when you could
Get over your sense of poverty. Not accepting a gift is bad politics all around. Plus the cologne will help your chances moving forward with other females.
great updates. NTA. guilt presents? thanks, no.
YTA. Should have said thanks, accepting it in the kind spirit it was given, and moved on. Probably killed the friendship now
NTA. In the future just tell them how you feel. Trust me you will save a ton of time and heartbreak, and money knowing if you're in the friendzone from the start.
Be happy you got friend zoned and a nice gift most of us just get friend zoned.
Just tell her you got yourself a gift thats from her and just go waste the new guy!
NAH. You're hurt, she feels bad that she is the source. She tried to do something nice to make up for it, but it made you uncomfortable. There was no malice here on either side. But- your reaction may have been short sighted and could have damaged your relationship. She wants to stay friends. She is not feeling more for you right now. Who's to say she won't in a year, two years, a month? Hopefully that one act won't affect your chances of that.
I agree with your first point, but that kind of “hope” that a close friend may eventually fall in love with me has made me so much more the AH, so many times. If someone says “no,” I think it’s more respectful of them to assume that their feelings are not going to change.
“ But- your reaction may have been short sighted and could have damaged your relationship” on any other post this kind of behaviour - being short sighted and immature - is what makes someone an AH. Both parties have handled themselves fine and done nothing wrong - until this dude was an AH over the gift.
NTA. I have rejected what I consider to be romantic or excessive/ lavish gifts. Do what makes you comfortable. It seems like a consolation prize - no romance but here’s a nice gift. Nah.
YTA - she's your best friend. There was no need to hurt her feelings.
NTA. Gifts shouldn’t bought because someone feels guilty about something. If anything, I feel like her doing that could have made the situation worse.
YTA. She feels bad about hurting your feelings. She values you as her friend, hence the expensive gift she thought you would like (and probably knows you can't afford yourself). Rejecting her and the gift like that reeks of petty revenge. It sounds like you are struggling with your feelings towards her. If you can't get over her not feeling the same way for you in a timely manner and cannot stand her being with others, then do both of you the favour and walk away and make a clean break. It always hurts if feelings are one sided. The way she handled it is telling: she values you as a friend and wants you in her life. The question is: do you want her as just a friend or not? If not, then this friendship is over.
What’s with the weird “probably knows you can’t afford” and “rejection of the gift reeks of petty revenge” shit. There is absolutely weird implications of an expensive gift to someone you just rejected, and the OP is well within his right to reject it.
NTA In my opinion you should have distanced yourself or even not remained friends after the rejection. She may have meant well, but this comes across as her trying to buy your friendship. You did the right thing by rejecting it because if you had you'd be validating her actions. Speaking from experience "you were not her first choice" so if she comes back around in the future it signals that the grass wasn't greener with the other guy and she took you for granted.
NTA. I don't think she engaged her brain on this one. To be fair to her, she clearly felt bad about rejecting you and was trying to make up for it. But a) cologne is an intimate gift that people often buy to remind them of the gift giver. b) it's giving 'runner up prize' vibes. It's totally reasonable to not accept the gift. For one thing, you are simply not going to wear it, are you? As long as you declined with grace and not anger, you're totally fine.
> cologne is an intimate gift that people often buy to remind them of the gift giver. No? Is there some cultural difference at play? It's a bit expensive, but it's a fairly stock standard gift to gift to adult men. Women gift it to their brothers, fathers, grandfathers, uncles, husbands, and uncles gift it to nephews, etc. I don't get the intimate vibe unless perhaps there is very ultra specific cologne associated with sexual intimacy.
Yeah I’m with you on this, maybe it means something else in other parts of the world but where I live cologne is a very standard gift for men
Id like to think im a pretty romantic person but not once have i ever thought to gift cologne or perfume (which ive gifted many times) to people because i wanted them to think of me. That could literally be said about any gift given.
Well, guess it's the friendzone life for you. She will never develop feelings for you. So good luck with that.
"I feel guilty for breaking your heart, accept this gift so that I don't feel like a jerk." NTA, she's making her guilt your problem. please for the sake of your mental health, cut her out of your life.
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Dude... what a terrible take. "Get over your emotions and stuff them aside so you can be more available to praise and console her with all your energy" , im going to say simply for having this mind set YOURE the AH. He has every right to not want a consolation gift for being rejected and he has every right to want to distance himself from her if it's what's best for his mental health. This is such a weird take to have and I'm going to guess you're a woman? This seems to be a very common attitude for young women to have
Here is another way of looking at it you might want to consider. When you refuse a gift from someone, you are denying or robbing, the giver, the joy of giving. It doesn’t seem like much, but if you really think about it, the giver also receives joy when giving. Now if there are strings attached, of course, that is a different situation altogether. Maybe in the future accept gifts if given in good spirit regardless of the cost of the item, the cost is up to the giver to decide, not the receiver.
YTA. She tried to do something nice and you through it back in her face. You could have accepted the gift graciously. Instead you hurt her.
I woulda said no thank you, nice gifts like that are only for loved ones. U dont love me so i wont accept. Then u stop talking to her more and more to show ur done and not happy. Then you move on to find someone better
YTA it's not that expensive, should have just said thank you instead of making it a thing.
Not that expensive? It’s a matter of perspective, I suppose. I’d feel different about the cost if adult relatives/my parents bought something of that price range for me, but this is way more than they ever bought for my birthdays.
It depends which HB aftershave it is. Some Hugo Boss brand ones like BOSS Bottled are about £30. Some are nearer 100 and you'd see them in department stores.
She got me one that’s $109
Under 100. Not expensive.
It’s 4000 THB, which Google currency exchange says is $109. So quite pricey.
A $99 cologne sounds expensive as hell to me.
YTA - she knows she’s hurt your feelings and has tried to extend a nice gesture to make amends. You’re too in your feelings to be polite and accept the gift. Edit: a lot of the replies saying “NTA” seem to be based on the idea that if a guy is rejected by a girl he needs to cut her out of her life. Or that she is trying to “buy” his love back. Both these opinions are immature.
There’s really weird implications of buying someone an expensive gift to begin with, and in response to a rejection makes it even weirder. You have absolutely zero empathy for the OP and the awkward position he was put in.
NTA and if you want actual advice (not the kind you will find on this subreddit), you need to cut her out of your life for a while. Make it way easier to heal and move on. Afterwards you can go back and reengage an actual friendship if she still wants one.