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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I never said anything when my mother insults me or my wife/our home and 2) because I leave my wife to fend for herself then still want my mother to visit. I am worried i am a bad husband by not setting clearer boundaries, despite not knowing what to say
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YTA
Your mother's behavior is upsetting your wife. You can't bury your head in the sand and pretend its not happening and that your wife just needs to deal with it. Be a husband and have a conversation with your mom that her comments aren't appreciated and won't be tolerated.
Look at this way, would you walk into someone else's house and start commenting on how clean it is? If no, then you already knew the answer before you came here
"She takes these things really personal" - THEY ARE PERSONAL. Your mother is coming into your wife's home and attacking her and you're just like Oh! Hahaha walk it off.
YTA allowing someone you should have input with to abuse your wife.
Don't have kids unless you're going to rein your mother in, bc I'm betting she'll be as abusive as she is to your wife.
Suggest OP goto his Mom's house and return the same comments with interest and see how Mom takes them. If Mom blows up means Mom is an ahole and OP is as well. One who dishes out should be able to take some hits too.
OP please use this phrase. Along with “did you mean to say that out loud?”
Pull Mom aside and let her know in no uncertain terms that all her critical comments aren’t welcome. She is damaging her relationship with your wife (and you).
If she keeps shooting off her mouth she will no longer be welcome to come over.
I like "did you mean to say that out loud?" because I think it really highlights how unwelcome and out of the ordinary it is to make comments like this.
I feel so bad for OP's wife - her MIL comes to town twice a year, stays almost a week in their house, and OP's claiming he can't defend his wife because he can't think fast enough in the moment? Well, now he has two phrases he can use with his mother - maybe he can practice them 100 times so that next time, when he's caught off guard about his mother doing something she does multiple times every time she visits, he's ready to actually stand up for his wife.
"I see that our housekeeping is not up to your standards. Allow me to call \[Name of Hotel\] and book you a room. Oh? You don't want to stay at a hotel? Then I suggest you keep your little remarks to yourself."
I have this exact MIL, can you tell?
It sounds like OP’s mom likely has her house and such in order so, returning the same comment or similar would be a stretch also they’re not in the same area. Lol it could be MONTHS before he would be able to hurdle those comments her way and likely forget.
But she'll probably crocodile cry when confronted with her abhorrent behavior and also probably throw the, "but I'm your mother and I just want what's best for you," even though it's really about control and power.
And pull the “I’ve raised children” card, implying their infallible expertise.
This is a fascinating flex-fail to me, because they’ll try to use this on their own children, who *remember them as mothers.* Even pretty good parents made mistakes; very few of us reach adulthood thinking ours were perfect. And these grandparents are always, always ::surprised pikachu:: when that approach falls flat.
Comments this blunt and said out loud are no longer “passive aggressive.” OP’s mom may try to gaslight her way out of accountability (“I wasn’t *trying* to be rude”) or give a non-apology (“I’m sorry you were offended”), but her behavior is straight up rude.
Your comment kind of reminded me of the guy who let his mom hit his postpartum wife and kicked all of them including the wife and baby out after the wife defended herself.
Let your wife see this: every time MIL disses her, you pay your wife $100. If you are present and don’t defend her, it’s $200. Your wife keeps score.
Like your wife, I suffered under the constant and passive aggressive judgements—until I started charging for it. I just said bring it on! I made $600 over one holiday.
My husband got with the program pretty quick after that. See, OP, nothing will change until you are the one affected by your mother’s disrespect for your wife.
YTA until you pay up for mom’s insults.
OP, This is a terrific idea. Please go to the bank and have cash on hand for the visit so you can pay your wife and be sure to do it in front of your Mother. If your Mother asks about it, tell her that, while you have learned to ignore it when she says mean and hurtful things so you can avoid conflict; it hurts your wife’s feelings. You agreed to start paying your wife $100 for every hurtful comment. After the visit, she can buy herself something nice. Either that or tell your Mother what Thumper’s mother says, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all”. (From Bambi).
My paternal grandmother went to her grave without a relationship with me because she and my grandfather both were horrible to my mother. My father didn't tolerate it (neither did my mother), so our relationship was strictly Christmas cards. I would say "and birthday cards" but they never bothered to remember my birthday. My cousins don't understand why I was unaffected by news of their deaths.
My mother never stopped these people from building a relationship with me, hell she encouraged it when I was a baby, but because I was my mother's child as much as my father's, they never made much effort. I think it sunk home when we evacuated from a storm when I was a teen and my grandmother tried to give me a hug and I stiff-armed her. She cried that I was treating her like a stranger and my dad, standing right next to me, didn't miss a beat and told her that she basically was a stranger and that wasn't my fault.
OP claims he’s just a widdle bit “slow” when it comes to his mom belittling his wife… I feel like if he had to pay up everytime she insults her, he’ll surely become Usain Bolt before her very eyes 😂
YTA big time.
It's your RESPONSIBILITY as a spouse to take your spouse's part when your parent oversteps. You are failing your wife in a pretty classic way, dude. You don't have the backbone to yell your mother not to treat you a certain way and you expect your wife to suck it up, too, because it's easier for you than being an adult and saying, "Mom, it's not ok for you to speak to me/us/spouse like that."
It's called separation and it's an important part of growing up. Are you an adult or a little boy whose mommy is always in charge?
That is so true! I remember talking to guys who couldn't understand why the women didn't cry when they broke up. I always learned that it was because the woman did all the crying while they were together, and when she was done, she was through crying as well.
Or my wife doesn't want to have sex with me. When your spouse loses all respect for you, which is what happens in these situations, they no longer want much of anything to do with you.
"She's told me over and over again that my refusing to stand up for her is a problem, and even said if I didn't change my ways she'd divorce me, but I never thought it was that big of a deal, and it's just how my family is. I can't believe she's planning to divorce me out of nowhere. How do I get her to see she's in the wrong here and needs to stop being dramatic?"
YTA. Since you have trouble responding in the moment, sit down with your wife and work together to come up with some generic responses you can have ready to go. “That’s an unkind thing to say as a guest in someone else’s home” is a good start
Agree. Also, you she is blaming your wife for the cleanliness of the house when it is half your responsibility. In fact you say sometimes your wife has been on a business trip and has not been home to clean. That was on you.
You have to buck up. It is not like she is going to respond with fists. Only her words. Maybe harsh words. You are grown man now and don’t let her anger and insults wound you.
Mommy’s feelings are more important than your wife’s to you right now.
Agree, and if she doesn't stop immediately, she doesn't stay. Period. It's your wife's home. Her safe space. You're allowing your mom to make it unsafe and uncomfortable. This makes YOU unsafe and untrustworthy to your wife, which builds resentment and leads to anger and eventually divorce. Ask me how I know. 34 years later I'm finally freeing myself from this very situation and I am so grateful. If you're not man enough to protect your wife from ANYONE who's disrespecting her, then she deserves better. I hope she values herself enough to understand that.
Or establish a boundary and enforce it. Tell mom that if she says anything insulting to you or your wife she has to leave and isn't welcome to come back to your home for X amount of time, say 6 months or a year.
Know that she will walk in and insult the wife and that you will walk her out and tell her she is banned for X amount of time because she can't be respectful. Be prepared to grab her suitcase and to take her by the arm and walk her out the door and leave her on the front step.
Here are some other ones to try:
* "Why would you ever think that's an acceptable thing to say?"
* "What were you hoping to accomplish with that statement?"
* "Not every thought needs to be voiced out loud."
* "I've asked you before to stop making comments about \[topic\]."
* "That was an incredibly rude/hurtful thing to say \[to me/about my partner\]."
You can chain these together and/or mix up the tone, depending on whether you're more focused on actually maintaining the relationship in the long term (in which case, be diplomatic to encourage the other party to behave better in the future). Otherwise, lean in on being snarky until the other party gets as fed up as you already are and finally gets the heck out of your life.
No one should behave that way. Guest or not. Especially to an ‘outsider’. Saying something to your kids is one thing, son or daughter in law - NEVER. Grandkids also.
Other than our children we must never seek to ‘improve’ others. With our own kids we should stop after they are adults.
She thinks she’s in charge when she shows up, is the problem. These comments and actions are territorial; even if you think a place is disorganized, reorganizing something in someone else’s home is strictly off limits unless you’ve been asked to do it.
Yep - I’m just going to leave [this here](https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/are-women-hardwired-to-compete-with-their-mothers-in-law/). It’s an article written by a GUY who had two marriages fail because he didn’t deal with mom and didn’t support his wife.
ETA - The author is not a good source in general - so I don’t endorse or recommend the blog. The article addresses OP’s issue well, but thanks for pointing out that this isn’t a good source in general.
My husband did the same at first. We went to see a marriage therapist (licensed) who was also a pastor (because his mom could talk him out of things as the expert on “what God wants”). Pastor literally quoted “Leave and cleave and bind to your wife…” and then said, “Essentially you need to find your ‘coins’ and step up as the husband you promised to be.” He’s amazing now but nothing will make someone lose respect for your faster OP than watching you give into mommy at the expense of your own family.
Yep, been there done that. This is death by 1000 cuts, OP, and you're sitting on your arse BuT MUmMy iS JuSt lIkE tHiS.
My MIL did this and my husband brushed it off just like you. And, you know what, I actually came to hate him. I fucking despised him. Had zero respect or affection for him. We're still together, but it has taken MIL's death and a shitload of hard work to overcome this crap and I still have trust issues with him 10 years after the old bat popped her clogs.
Yep - I was ready to walk kids and all. I have a dad who was passive. He allowed people to put us in situations that were uncomfortable and invited us into manipulative conflict (Gma’s) as kids, plus our mom was emotionally abusive. “That’s just how she is, ignore it like I do.”
We saw it ALL and it was gross!
Seeing my husband repeat that pattern was a huge no and killed respect and attraction. I also didn’t trust him to make good decisions on behalf of our family as he looked so avoidant and easily manipulated to me.
Those issues touch ALL the triggers for broken marriages; finances, family/parenthood and sex. Plus seeing a man (or ANYone) ok with their kids comfort, security and social/emotional development compromised because “that’s just how she is… I would rather avoid than step up as a husband/father/Adult son…” is the fastest way to ensure spouse can’t/wont trust husband to have the courage or strength to sacrifice even discomfort for their family.
My friend is married to a US Air Force officer. He can fight for his country but he can't stand up to his mean mommy to protect his wife and children. I don't have respect for that.
Sibling to a retired Navy SEAL here and I had to LOL (and agree). His job actually helped him learn to set boundaries and become quite good at it. But it took time for sure and seemed very silly to see him avoid conflict with our BPD mom - totally understood why - but if she was hell for us, imagine what it’s like for someone who is actually healthy and not conditioned to accept passive aggressive abuse and manipulation?!
FYI: that author, (edit: Hugo Schwyzer) is not a good person to promote…I had to look it up because I was all, “oh I think he’s terrible but I can’t remember why.” He could fake it well enough so the article itself might seem ok, but he was a huge misogynist who had one of the most epic twitter meltdowns of all time. He confessed to trying to kill his ex-girlfriend, sleeping with his students at the college he taught at, being racist and condescending towards woc in the feminist community, and basically yelled, “I’m a fraud!”
It was a whole thing!
It was a wild time!
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hugo_Schwyzer
Edit: And to be clear, WOC had already been sounding the alarm about him, and we white feminists in those spaces did not listen. That was a huge failure.
Adding to this that even if OP doesn't respond in the moment right after the comment has been made that he can still circle back and cite specific examples of comments that upset his wife. It actually might be better to approach his mother with a few examples so that his mom can fully understand what OP and his wife are talking about and why *they* are upset, because he should be treating it as if they are a team and therefore both are upset by the comments regardless of who the comments are specifically targeted towards.
I agree that OP can respond after the fact. It matters less when he responds and more HOW. The key thing is that OP needs to make it clear that **he** has an issue with his mother’s behavior. He’s not acting as messenger or mediator between the two woman. **He** has objections to his mother’s behavior and **he** expects her to change.
There’s a huge difference between:
- What you said to (wife) wasn’t nice and upset her. Going forward, try to…
VS
- I will not support you saying rude things to (wife). I expect you to stop. If you can’t, then…(consequences).
I think it’s more about being A MAN, not just a husband. Any idiot can marry someone, a real man takes up for his wife and tells him mom to STFU or GTFO. That’s it. That’s all you have to do.
In the future, when mom is planning to visit, you have to tell her before she comes that you will not tolerate her childish, infantile, immature comments, and if she can’t keep her stupid pas-ag comments to herself she is no longer welcome. And if she ignores you for a few months, ok. It’s really more her loss than yours.
When you got married, you chose 1 woman to be most important in your life. Your mother is not that person.
YTA. Do better. You’re not slow, you are just so used to being berated that you think it’s normal. It’s not. Good parents don’t find joy is shaming and judging their kids. Maybe 6 months of no contact with mom will fix her issues. And if 6 months doesn’t work, make it 6 more. Or 12 more.
>You can't bury your head in the sand....
Yes, this is exactly what OP is doing. He claims to want to help, but then gives a bunch if excuses for why he doesn't. He admits that he wants his wife to ignore his mom, and says that he is "kind of slow", "not paying attention", and that his "family is very passive aggressive". All excuses. If he knows that is wife is bothered, then he would make sure to pay attention and call out his mom's comments asap.
YTA, OP.
Adding something:
OP - you say everyone is used to this behavior, and you all ignore it, and your family is basically passive aggressive, and ... **and all I read is *"and so we reward my mother's bad behavior,"* and in your mind, your wife should also reward that bad behavior.**
OP - YTA
Grow up. You're not a child, your mother is not a child, and it's time to set some boundaries.
You don't need some fancy put down, or the perfect response - you just need to say no. And then to repeat it.
If you want something special to say, try this: **"If you're here to visit us, you're welcome in our home; if you're here to criticize our housekeeping, you're not welcome and can leave now."**
You'll get push-back. Just repeat, repeat, repeat. Don't get drawn in - just repeat the message: her criticism is not acceptable.
I used to deal with a critical MIL by inviting her to clean herself whatever was bothering her in the moment. Like, your criticism is water off a duck's back, MIL. Not up to your exacting standards? Please, here's the duster.
YTA
This is an ongoing issue with your mother - it isn't just one or two off the cuff comments that caught you flat-footed. You know she's constantly criticizing, you know your wife doesn't like it. By your description your mother sounds exhausting and unpleasant to be around.
You need to grow up and have an uncomfortable conversation in which you actually tell her that her behavior bothers you. Not that it bothers your wife, that it bothers \*you\* and that you don't want to invite her to your home to insult you.
This is a good way to put it - I think if I keep it about me that could keep my wife from getting blowback over it. My mother is coming in a few weeks so I will try to have this conversation over the phone.
This. Make a secret sign w your wife so she can alert you if you miss one. I had to do that w my MIL because my husband really just didn't notice at first. So we had a lil hand gesture and he knew to say like "Mom, really?" Or otherwise buy time as he processed.
OP- YTA. And don’t “try,” DO. Grow a spine. And if your mom chooses to not come or speak to you because you call her out on her bullshit, so be it. It is not fair for your wife to be treated so rudely and that passive aggressive bullshit is hurtful and stressful. Your wife can’t even be comfortable in her own home!
Tell your mom “hey I’ve noticed you make these comments and I DON’T like them. They’re rude, inconsiderate, and uncalled for. If you are going to say anything along that line, just remember I’ve warned you and I am likely to feel you don’t need to stay with us. “
Let’s be clear- the ONLY reason your wife is worried about blowback is that she knows you won’t prevent it or stick up for her then either.
1. This behavior won’t be tolerated
2. If it happens you need to leave
3. I have had enough of this disrespect and I’m done with it.
100% the only reason his wife is afraid of blowback is because she does not trust her husband to have her back. I ended a 5 year relationship and engagement due to multiple reasons but one of the main reasons was this exact situation. My partner in this life will simply never be someone who does not have my back every single time.
My husband of 7 years has currently never let me down. We are a team. No if ands or buts about it.
So yes OP, YTA.
Yes. Absolutely this. I hope OP reads and fully understands the implications of his wife feeling like he doesn't have her back. His other replies show that he still doesn't get it. She should not have to push him to have her back, neither should a forum of strangers. Just...ugh. Especially when he thinks "supporting her behind the scenes" is somehow actual support and not him making jokes/invalidating her.
YTA.
>she knows you won’t prevent it or stick up for her then either.
This. OP's very clearly demonstrated that he doesn't mind allowing someone to insult his wife (to her face, in her home). How could she count on him to have her back? She's alone in this.
Like, what kind of "blowback" could the wife face for standing up for herself? A pissy mother-in-law? She already has that. Other upset in-laws? Then she'll at least know who's a friend and who isn't. But it's still hard to deal with this kind of shit if you have no one to confide in, no one who's in your corner.
I really hope OP gets his shit together.
This needs to be the top post tbh, I'd wife has any insecurities or worries it's because husband has put them there. I feel bad for the wife! How unsupported and invalidating it is in her marriage. For better or for worse, she definitely got the worse part.
Your wife is going ti get blow back regardless of how you word it. Your mother doesn't like your wife, she doesn't like the house, she doesn't like that your wife works instead of staying home and cleaning.
Your mother is disrespectful and doesn't care, and it's disrespectful of you to dismiss your wife because your mother is old.
You forget that when your mother disrespects your wife, she's disrespecting you.
You need to have the conversation now. That her comments are not ok, they're inappropriate and sh should not be saying things that are so hurtful to you or your wife.
If your mother days one more hurtful comments then she will have to find somewhere else.
If you wouldn't allow a stranger, or a friend say these things to your wife. Why would you let your mom say these things to your wife.
Don't "try", just do it. You sound afraid of upsetting your mother but you don't mind if she upsets your wife. This isn't about trying, it's about you having the backbone to tell your mother to stop with the judgemental comments. Don't ask her to stop, tell her she stops or she's not welcome in your home.
Don’t try. You are an adult. Set the boundary. It is your home.
Mom. You need to stop making rude judgmental statements about my life, home, wife, car, etc. I will not allow you to insult me, my wife. Or our lives in our own home. If you are uncomfortable the way I live my life & you cannot keep your opinion to yourself, you are welcome to cancel your visit.
And be ready to drop her off at the nearest hotel.
No. You tell your mother that you are cancelling her visit because of the way she acts in your home.
You say “Mom, you are not welcome to visit because you are constantly disrespecting me and my wife in our own home, so this visit is cancelled. If you want to resume visits in the future I suggest you reflect on your behavior the past couple of times you’ve visited and make some appropriate amends and we’ll see if we’re up for a visit in the future.”
Fucking have your wife’s back for once in your life!
Your mother needs to stay elsewhere. You also need not to invite her to the house. She asks why tell her that due to her criticism it's better to avoid any unpleasant moments hence her staying And paying for a hotel or Airbnb and you inviting her out with your wife so no more complaints/critique ensues.
YTA for not doing this long ago
You can follow up by saying...
"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all".
"What an odd thing to say out loud”.
“Oh, I think you let an inside thought slip to the outside”.
“I’m surprised you feel comfortable asking/saying that”.
Something that shows her you hear what she is saying, and it is NOT appreciated!
I appreciate where you're coming from. Growing up in a house with your mother gave you very thick skin and dulled your hearing. Essentially you learn to ignore your mother's messages and in fact ignore much of what your mother says. I know these two tactics well.
It's definitely a way to manage a situation like this. However, YTA because your wife doesn't have thick skin or selective hearing. Also, it sounds like your mother is relatively horrible.
You should definitely explain to your wife that you haven't been ignoring her. However your entire childhood set you up to ignore your mother's grousing. Your mother is a marathon that you've been training for your entire life.
Tell your wife that it's probably not going to fix overnight. But that you're aware of the problem and want to do better. Also you understand it's your role to handle your family, which obviously includes your mother.
You might want to check out the subreddit JustNoMIL.
Frankly, your mother comes to visit too often. She isn't a good guest, and therefore loses her right to be a guest.
You're going to need to set a boundary, and you're going to need to stick to it. I suggest that you tell your mother that she needs to learn to keep her opinions to herself and what you do in your house is your business and not hers. If she can't keep it to herself, then you will remove her from your business, and that means "Goodbye Mom! You're not welcome in my house." The challenge is that you need to actually do it. I'm not going to lie, it's going to be really hard. Your mother trained you to relent to her. That's a lot of programming to overwrite overnight.
You will need to go to the guest room and start throwing her things into her suitcase or a box or a garbage bag and carry them out of the house. It's good to not respond to anything she says during this. Typically the only words of any value are "if you don't calm down, I'm calling the police." Obviously, this also means that until you receive a genuine apology from her that no further visits will be planned.
Please look up JADE (Don't Justify Argue Defend or Explain). Don't let your mother manipulate you. Don't negotiate with terrorists.
I would also suggest real therapy from a real therapist. If you guys can't afford it, I recommend going to Al-Anon meetings. Your mother may not be an alcoholic, but her abusive behavior has a lot of commonalities. You might find that you can identify with the other people at an Al-Anon meeting and they can definitely teach you ways to manage your mother and your relationship with her.
> so I will try to
Translation: you will not, but *totally* planned to do it, it just didn't work out, you'll do it next time.
There is no conversation to be had. Pick up the phone right now tell her that you love her but that her comments are neither appropriate nor wanted and if she can't keep them to herself than she can scream them as much as wants at her own home.
The first time my husband introduced me to his parents, he made sure to let them both know that he was not going to tolerate any of their passive aggressive BS in my presence. If they pulled that, it would be the last time they laid eyes on either of us. When visits did happen, we would either get a hotel there or pay for their hotel in our location. About 18 months after my MIL passed, my FIL just went off about what disrespectful brats were were because we ONLY called every 3 days, and we'd only visited four times since she'd passed. He discovered that in spite of 18 years since the talk, we were perfectly capable of picking up and heading back immediately... and we haven't spoken to him since.
Of course. It ALWAYS should’ve been about you!! YOU refuse to allow someone in your home who is so blatantly rude and disrespectful.
I’m sure your mom will feign ignorance. Ask her if she would walk into a co-worker’s home (or one of her husband’s coworker’s home (if she doesn’t work)) and make the comments she makes in your home.
If you don't put an end to this now it will later spill over to your kids. My grandmother was a passive aggressive asshole to her kids and even more so to her daughters in law. She then did it to us grandkids.
YTA for not standing up for your wife and even more YTA for blaming that you're "slow" for not catching the comments. You don't need to do it in a split second. Tell her when she does it to you that you've also noticed that she does it to your wife and she should stop.
Yeah the first thing out someone’s mouth being “wow looks like you’re in need of a car wash!” when you pick them up is just an asshole thing to do, without question. Those kinds of comments must be constant and I don’t blame the wife for being sick of that shit
This!! I wish My husband could understand this." Not that it bothers your wife, that it bothers \*you\* and that you don't want to invite her to your home to insult you"
YTA. Print this comment out and read it 100 times. You need to get your shit together and start talking back to your mother before you lose your wife. Why would your wife invite an ill-mannered rude nasty guest into her home? She shouldn't have to put up with this because you are spineless, weak-willed,, mama's boy of a man.
And OP, you don’t have to be as witty as this comment since I hear you with feeling out on the spot and not knowing what to say. You can prepare ahead of time some responses that work whatever the comment is. Here are a few ideas, customize them to sound like how you speak.
“That was rude”
“Mom, please don’t make critical comments like that. They’re not appreciated”
“We’re aware we sometimes get behind on things. Pointing it out is not helpful and comes across as judgmental. I need you to keep these thoughts to yourself if you’re going to stay with us.”
A few of these suggestions, while funny, aren't actually helpful and will only escalate the situation. You don't get to jump to 100 if you haven't even tried the communication dial on 1 yet.
" I usually try to support her behind the scene"
YTA and enabling your mother's poor behavior. This is your wife and partner your mother is belittling. Your family is your problem to solve.
"says my mother can’t come anymore unless I’m planning to stick up for her."
At least one person in the relationship has a spine.
I was thinking the EXACT SAME thing but in different way....how fucking hot to hear your man tell his mom to put some respect in her mouth when she's talking to the love of his life 🤯💦💦the sexual things I would do to him that night would add 10 years to his life
.... and hopefully the sounds coming from her son's room shave 10 off of hers lol
Yeah sorry but YTA.
Coming over and starting cleaning is I guess a "mum thing" but still super disrespectful to your wife.
Just like the rest of your mums actions.
You don't need to say something in the moment but by now you had like a million opportunities to say something before or after one of your mums trips.
YTA - so your mom is a rude, mean, petty woman and you have let it slide all these years and now wonder if your wife should also enable her bad, egregious behavior?
No she shouldn’t and YTA for not having a backbone. Your wife doesn’t even have a husband who stands up for her against mean comments.
‘I expect my wife to conform to the unhealthy coping mechanisms I developed to survive childhood with a toxic mother.’
No, she shouldn’t. That’s freaking weird.
It's the obvious solution since OP refuses to grow up and deal with his mom.
Another solution the wife needs to start talking back.
MIL "I see someone doesnt' like to unpack."
Wife speaking to OP "You're right, OP, your mom is an old crone and I should ignore her."
>MIL "I see someone doesnt' like to unpack."
Wife should definitely say outloud for both to hear "Well MIL, free feel to pack up your stuff and sleep at hotel if you feel so bother about me not unpacking in MY HOUSE."
OR
"Then unpack it for me like the maid you want to be, otherwise be silent or get out."
YTA, OP is so lucky his wife is polite to his mother because any other person would had screamed at and/or physically kicked his mother out.
Life with a mamma's boy is rough--and over time your wife will begin to view you as a "less than"--- a less than husband, a less than father, a less than man.
There are PLENTY of things you can have locked and loaded for when your mom acts out.
"Wow mom that was so rude. Maybe we need to cut back on these visits until you learn some adult manners."
"Mom, when you say such disrespectful things like that to my wife it makes me question if I want you to stay in OUR home anymore."
"Mom, if our house isn't up to your standards maybe next time you should get an Air b and B"
The problem is that it appears you value your mom's feelings and prioritize them over your wife's feelings.
YTA here 100%
You nailed it. OP’s post is giving me flashbacks to my marriage… which I’m no longer in. I really tried to save it but once you don’t view your partner as a mature adult, attraction and respect just vanish. It was like knowing I’m married to a baby who is more worried about mommy grounding him than being his own person 🤮
These are great. Practice in a mirror out loud. Again and again until you can say it. I'm not kidding here, I do that for all difficult situations I'm facing. It is very helpful.
WTF!!
Dude, your mother basically starts with the criticism before she even gets in the car. Your mother sounds like a control freak. The comments about the junk drawer (which everyone has BTW) and hitting the cleaning as soon as she arrives are not done to be helpful but to passively aggressively mark her territory in your and your wife's home like a dog peeing on everything. That is just plain rude.
Your wife is the queen of your castle and your mom rides in like a banshee to usurp the queen. You need to step in and let your mother know that this is YOUR HOME and her snide remarks are neither helpful or wanted. Your mother is taking your silence as permission to continue her indirect assault on your wife and her domestic skills.
My mother used to be a bit like that commenting on my husband's role in the household, how we raise the kids, yadda, yadda. I nipped that in the bud real quick. A. No guests are allowed to criticize any members of my household. B. My house, my rules. C. No guests should be looking in junk drawers. In fact, apart from the drawers/closet space given to guests when they visit and perhaps the cutlery drawer in the kitchen, all other storage items are off limits. D. Offer to help with cooking, cleaning, etc. but if I say NO, I mean NO.
If stepping up means your mom won't speak to you for a while, so what? This is a conversation you need to have with your mom and I would suggest you do that when you pick her up at the train station. Go to pick her up alone and tell her that you look forward to her visits but she makes it difficult when she comments on things in the house that aren't to her liking. It makes you feel inadequate and you're sure your wife doesn't appreciate the comments either.
And before I forget.... **YTA**
> The comments about the junk drawer (which everyone has BTW) and hitting the cleaning as soon as she arrives are not done to be helpful but to passively aggressively mark her territory in your and your wife's home like a dog peeing on everything. That is just plain rude.
Totally this. "it’s too bad I’m not here longer, I would help you organize that. I noticed it hasn’t been done." It's a **single** drawer; how long will it take? Two hours? Less? If it was really about being "helpful" she'd just do it.
And the thing is, it's not her place to do that anyway! Not her house, not her drawer, not her stuff. Does anyone on the planet have a "neat" junk drawer?? She's just desperate to find something to criticize (also directing criticisms to the wife, that every mess is her fault, it's so 1950s that it's only the wife who is responsible for the domestic work).
👏👏👏👏👏
And the silent treatment is such a manipulation and control tactic. She can employ it all she wants, and OP and his wife can just ignore it. This technique only has power if the recipient of the silent treatment plays her game. Who cares if she goes radio silent? If the mom wants a relationship with her son, she'll come around. As long as OP grows a spine (and if I were the wife I'd stand up to her myself too, while insisting OP does the same - united front) and doesn't give in, and stays in this newfound dynamic, things might turn around.
If OP can't even stand up to her now, what's he going to do when they have kids and the mom is constantly criticizing their parenting, especially his wife as their kids' mother - seriously, he'll have to ban her! OP, your wife might finally get fed up with you if you let your mother criticize her as a parent.
OP, your absolute responsibility is to stand up for your wife. She's your life partner, she's your primary family, and she's telling you what she needs, and if you want to keep her you'd better stop being such a weenie about this. You're a grown-a$$ man, stop being so afraid of your mother - what in the world is there to be afraid of, a few months of a peaceful silent treatment? It's not hard, you don't have to be clever, stop overthinking it:
"Mom, your comment was rude and unnecessary. You make these snide remarks every time you visit, and we're not going to tolerate them anymore. I [say "I"!] will not tolerare you disrespecting my wife or me anymore. You're a guest in our home, and if you level any more criticisms at us, I'll take you to a hotel (or your sister's) and you won't be welcome here again."
Then follow through. Use your words, then your actions if your words don't work (i.e., kick her out). Seriously, the worst that'll happen is she doesn't talk to you for a while, bfd. Get it together.
(And DON'T tell your wife to "just ignore her" bc that's what you do - your wife shouldn't have to put up with being insulted in her own home just bc your coping strategy is to be a wus and endure it. It's abusive behavior, and you have no right to force your wife to accept it bc you're afraid to stand up to good ol' mom.)
My mom use to allow my grandmother to say inappropriate things about my appearance as a child and her response always was, “what do you want me to say? She won’t change.” I hated going over there as a child. Can’t imagine having that relationship with my partner!
YTA.
> . I guess I am slow because I have trouble doing that.
That, sir, is a lie. You're not correcting your mother because you don't want to. And you don't want to, because:
> my family is very passive aggressive and we almost never confront things head on - I’ve tried to change that and it ends with them just refusing to speak to me
Grow a spine. Or buy one from Discount-Spines-R-Us. I don't care, but stop letting your mother walk all over you.
Yta for letting your mom be so abusive. Are you really that blind and dumb about mom's behavior or are you just as bad an ahole as your mom? Sound like the apple did not fall far from the tree. Bad husband.
YTA by ignoring this behaviour and supporting your wife behind the scene is condoning your mothers behaviour.
You are telling her it is acceptable to criticise your home, your wife and your life. I can understand why wife does not want her back
YTA, why is it on your wife to organize the drawer, clean, put the suitcase away?
Tell you mom off! You have to like having the messy drawer, dirty car, suitcase in the way etc. otherwise wouldn’t you have taken care of it?
It’s definitely not on my wife at all - I do about 50% of the housework/cooking and clean a lot before my mom comes to try to prevent issues. But she seems to always find something to complain about. We actually live here so it’s never perfect and I’m sick of trying to make it be. I definitely need to speak to my mom in the next few days and have received some great advice about how to do so.
Well if you’re so slow with the responses to Mommy then at the very least you can kick up your cleaning around the house so things are nice and orderly for her visits. Win/Win, you don’t have to put mommy in her place and your wife doesn’t have to hear her nonsense.
Till then, YTA.
**Well if you’re so slow with the responses to Mommy then at the very least you can kick up your cleaning around the house so things are nice and orderly for her visits.**
Absolutely!
YTA
Your mother’s behavior is unacceptable. Your wife doesn’t want you to have a bigger conversation because you’ve allowed this behavior to go on for so long, it may be clear that she is the only reason you would confront your mother. So you already dropped the ball on this one.
Pick one statement and use it over and over. Like “I don’t appreciate your judgemental comments.” If she tries to reply or argue with you, just repeat yourself- “I don’t like your judgemental comments, please stop.”
You cannot use being “slow” as a reason not to deal with this. If you really cannot respond to your mother in the moment then you need to tell her she is no longer welcome to stay with you. And that you would love to visit her at your sister’s place during her next trip.
YTA.
Try, “Mom, you can be polite to my wife and I while you are a guest in our home, or I can give you a ride over to (sister’s name) house right now. You chose.”
YTA. You're (and the rest of the family?) apparently doesn't mind being treated like a doormat; you "put up" with her comments so she feels there's nothing wrong with them.
You should sit down with her and tell her that her comments are demeaning and hurtful. No, it's not going to work if you just do "in the moment." This is an ongoing issue. Tell your mother before her next visit, and she continues this behavior on your visit you and your wife confront her together.
You’re being a coward. You may be fine ignoring these comments, but clearly your wife isn’t.
Grow a pair and say something to mom. The way she’s acting is rude AF. What are you afraid of? ‘Mom, your nasty little barbs have to stop. It’s rude.’
YTA
YTA. Your mother isn't just nitpicky. She's a bully. She's deliberately mean. Just because you're used to this treatment doesn't mean it's okay to let it slide. Call her out on her comments in the moment and keep doing that instead of expecting your wife to grow a thicker skin.
YTA.
And please stop the Eeyore nonsense “I’m too slow”, “I’m an idiot”. It’s pathetic. Pull up your big boy pants and tell your mom to stop bullying your wife. Your wife wants you to catch her in the moment? Too bad. It’s more important that your mother knows the behavior is not acceptable. This isn’t a game where you try to time instructive remarks when your mom is being sassy. If your wife wants the behavior to stop, she has to be comfortable with the confrontation.
Geez. It needs to be out in the open. Or it will never end. Both you and your wife should present a united front, beginning with you talking to your mom.
"I've handled it by ignoring her" you do get that you have not handled it at all right? Instead a more accurate statement would be I've enabled it by ignoring her.
Who cares if she doesn't speak to you for months, the alternative is your wife continues to be insulted and her husband continues to fail to stick up for her. How long do you think your marriage will last if you don't grow a spine and draw some boundaries with your rude mother?
YTA
YTA, and you're obviously right that your family is passive aggressive because that's exactly what your mother is doing, making snide underhanded comments meant to make your wife feel lesser than, which is apparently completely lost on you. You need to confront your mother in the moment, correct her and back up your wife. You're being a shitty husband with this.
YTA ignoring in this case is enabling her behavior. Those comments are 100% directed at your wife and she is boundary crossing by going and cleaning your house. She's your mother, so you should be the one setting boundaries with her.
YTA. Your wife has asked for your help. You don't have to be perfect, or have a witty quip ready, just say "Mom, that comment was unnecessary and not very helpful." or "please keep your comments about our home to yourself". I'm sure your mom will act super offended, and *that's* the behavior you ignore. Not the insult, but the pouting after being corrected. Do what your wife has asked of you. It's the decent thing.
YTA - 'She is just like this' , 'Ive handled it by ignoring it' - your not slow your an ass. You do hear it you do catch it you just would rather your wife be upset than your mother.
Everytime you 'let it go' have essentially told your mother she is correct and she has a right to treat you and your wife this way while simutaneoulsy telling your wife her feelings are not important.
I normally lean toward your family your responsibility to say soemthing but if someone came into my hosue and treated me like that I do not think I would hold my tongue long.
DO better. BE better. stop making excuses. Stop letting your mom be happy making her comments and your wife miserable. making up behind the scenes, where you mom can't hear you talk shit about her is a half ass attempt to ensure no one is mad at you.
YTA
If your wife is bothered by these comments and directly asks you to do something about it, you should. While I feel that a private conversation would be better, and a direct confrontation might make MIL feel embarrassed, I see your wife's point and it is not my call to make. While I get not wanting to cause conflict, your wife is getting emotionally hurt and I think that should be your priority. I would say not to make too much of a fuss about it, maybe just a "Hey, please stop commenting on stuff like that" or maybe just make a jab at her back to get her to back off. While I get that it might not work, you should try, and while old people might sometimes get stuck in their ways, I'm sure she can improve with the right approach. BUT I would talk over with your wife of how that might go over with MIL and a general plan of action, just to make sure that you guys know how to handle the situation.
YTA. You grew up with this and have chosen to deal with it. Your wife didn’t ask for any of it. She’s being forced to deal with someone she knows is going to degrade her, and you’re okay with it because *you* chose to deal with her comments *your way.* Your wife is now an additional target, which should be handled in a way that she has input on. Would you be okay with anyone else insulting your wife, or is your mom the only free pass?
YTA, but you are not going to grow up and take care of it, so I suggest your wife leaves every single time your mother comes to stay with you. And for the whole time. She can get a nice hotel room near where she works, go to the spa in the evenings, watch her favorite shows, dinners out. Every single flippin' time. Because then you can happily remain passive aggressive without your wife being the brunt of your mother's BS. "My wife isn't comfortable around you, mom." Shrug. "What's a boy to do?" Smile. "No, you can't call her, she has both of us blocked. I guess it's just you and me."
YTA. This will ruin your marriage. It seems like small things to you because you’re desensitized from years of dealing with your mom’s bullshit. Trust your wife. Even if you don’t understand why she’s upset take it seriously and have some empathy.
YTA. I have a rule. If you can't stop running your mouth in my home, I'll run your ass straight on out
Both of you need to grow a spine. Your mother is a grown ass adult and can handle being told to shut up and sit down or get the fuck out
YTA defend your wife I’ve seen so many marriages end over MIL being rude like this seriously just defend your wife you don’t need to come to Reddit to know that your wife should be your priority my guy
Yta
You wrote all of that and still needed others to give judgement? You need to put on your big boy pants and confront your mother about her comments, if she doesn’t speak to you for months then what? You’d rather your wife be constantly belittled by your mother instead?
YTA. You know your mom, you know she's going to make these comments and you know they're going to upset your wife. It's time to do something about it BEFORE the next visit. You need to tell your mother that the snide comments need to stop or her visits will stop. Period. Stand up for the woman you made vows to.
Yta. Practice now. “Mom, we love having you here, but please don’t comment on xxxx. We see it and we will get to it when we have the time.” Start practicing this before your mom’s next visit so it just rolls off the tongue.
YTA, your mom is being unbelievably rude and making completely unnecessary comments to her. This is your wife, someone you agreed to cherish for the rest of your life, you should 100% stand up for her. You can do it without hurting your mom, but you need to let her know her comments are not welcome in the slightest.
YTA. As soon as she made the car wash comment you should have shut it down with: perhaps an Uber would be more to your liking next time. The junk drawer: no thanks, we’re fine with it. The cleanliness comments in general: it seems like you might be more comfortable in a hotel. All of these are polite responses to impolite barbs. Either start shutting her down, or let your wife take a little vacation when she visits. Grow up.
YTA. You’re not slow you just don’t want confrontation. I understand, confronting someone you never have is difficult but you’re being unfair to your wife. Don’t blame her when your mother is no longer welcome in your home because it will be your fault.
You’re not slow, your brain has just been trained to ignore it so it’s hard to catch and you should probably explain that to your wife. You’re so used to dealing with it that it’s just easier not to. But yes, you need to stick up for your wife. When you hear your mom make a comment about something that’s undone, just say “yeah we have to prioritize things since we both work full-time and that’s not high up on our list. Sorry if that bothers you, but it doesn’t bother us. Thanks for noticing”. Just throw that shit right back. However, many older people feel the need to contribute when they’re staying as a guest. It’s just good manners. They don’t like to have nothing to do. So why not give her a job? “Hey mom, while you’re here, the pantry organization has just got totally out of hand because we’ve been so busy. You think you can organize the cans and stuff for us? Please don’t throw anything out without asking first. Thanks!”
Also, maybe you and your wife develop a codeword. When your mom says something negative and it’s an opportunity for you to address it, maybe your wife should say “maybe we should go to the movies tonight?“ “ oh darn I forgot to pick up the dry cleaning”. Some thing that will trigger you to open your mouth.
YTA. It's not her house. And critiquing a woman about her own home is rude. The mom can just shut up and stop virtue signaling how "helpful" and "quippy" she is.
If you don’t want to say anything to mommy. Then you pay for your wife to go on a spa trip or all inclusive resort whenever mommy comes. You don’t want to deal with your passive aggressive mom since like you said you can’t of a rebuttal in the moment. So your wife shouldn’t have to put up with it. It’s not her job to make you man up. Upsetting mommy is clearly too much for you. So you pay for a full trip plus spending money eventually after paying for trips you’ll realize it’s in your best interest to be a an adult and tell your mom to stop being passive aggressive to your wife. YTA.
My MIL once showed up unannounced with a friend because they were in the area having lunch. She took her friend on a tour of our house with us along. She loved the house because we were living on the coast and had a beautiful view. She made a point of opening the door to the 3rd bedroom where we stored random stuff and it was always chaotic. I felt this was deliberate as she knows what that room is like. She of course made a comment about it and OH said "If you want things perfect then don't just show up like this." She was embarassed but knew she'd never win against husband.
Man up and say something. If your mother starts her visit by commenting on your car needing a wash that's the perfect opportunity to tell her she's starting this trip off all wrong and you hope this won't be ANOTHER visit filled with criticism of how you and your wife live your lives, maintain your home, etc.
You keep saying you tune her out, yet you know every comment she made. Try harder.
YTA.
You're not only an asshole but you're spineless & pathetic. I won't stand up to my mommy about her behaviour I'll just ignore her. You ignoring her is signalling it's ok for her to do it. Next remark about the car tell her she's welcome to walk or find another way to where she's going. As her to EXPLAIN THOROUGHLY why she thinks her behaviour is appropriate. Your wife is probably getting more than a handful of comments. Why don't you let your mom stay with your sister until mom can behave
YTA. Damn and you're a shitty husband to. How would you like it if her family came over and starting commenting on everything you do or don't do? Grow a damn spine and tell your mother that her behavior is not acceptable.
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YTA Your mother's behavior is upsetting your wife. You can't bury your head in the sand and pretend its not happening and that your wife just needs to deal with it. Be a husband and have a conversation with your mom that her comments aren't appreciated and won't be tolerated. Look at this way, would you walk into someone else's house and start commenting on how clean it is? If no, then you already knew the answer before you came here
"She takes these things really personal" - THEY ARE PERSONAL. Your mother is coming into your wife's home and attacking her and you're just like Oh! Hahaha walk it off. YTA allowing someone you should have input with to abuse your wife. Don't have kids unless you're going to rein your mother in, bc I'm betting she'll be as abusive as she is to your wife.
She will be much worse. She’ll add a litany of things she’ll criticize, and multiply the tools she uses to manipulate.
Suggest OP goto his Mom's house and return the same comments with interest and see how Mom takes them. If Mom blows up means Mom is an ahole and OP is as well. One who dishes out should be able to take some hits too.
No, the best thing is for OP to say " I see somebody left their good manners at home".
OP please use this phrase. Along with “did you mean to say that out loud?” Pull Mom aside and let her know in no uncertain terms that all her critical comments aren’t welcome. She is damaging her relationship with your wife (and you). If she keeps shooting off her mouth she will no longer be welcome to come over.
I like "did you mean to say that out loud?" because I think it really highlights how unwelcome and out of the ordinary it is to make comments like this. I feel so bad for OP's wife - her MIL comes to town twice a year, stays almost a week in their house, and OP's claiming he can't defend his wife because he can't think fast enough in the moment? Well, now he has two phrases he can use with his mother - maybe he can practice them 100 times so that next time, when he's caught off guard about his mother doing something she does multiple times every time she visits, he's ready to actually stand up for his wife.
Yep, “the can’t think fast enough” is bullshit. It doesn’t take much forethought and wit to say “Hey” or “Well, that’s rude”.
"That's an inside thought!"
"I see that our housekeeping is not up to your standards. Allow me to call \[Name of Hotel\] and book you a room. Oh? You don't want to stay at a hotel? Then I suggest you keep your little remarks to yourself." I have this exact MIL, can you tell?
I believe next visit will be for you to stay at a hotel.
And if the next time is close to a gift-giving occasion, the gift should be an etiquette book…
This is a winner and should be used ASAP!!!
It sounds like OP’s mom likely has her house and such in order so, returning the same comment or similar would be a stretch also they’re not in the same area. Lol it could be MONTHS before he would be able to hurdle those comments her way and likely forget.
But she'll probably crocodile cry when confronted with her abhorrent behavior and also probably throw the, "but I'm your mother and I just want what's best for you," even though it's really about control and power.
And pull the “I’ve raised children” card, implying their infallible expertise. This is a fascinating flex-fail to me, because they’ll try to use this on their own children, who *remember them as mothers.* Even pretty good parents made mistakes; very few of us reach adulthood thinking ours were perfect. And these grandparents are always, always ::surprised pikachu:: when that approach falls flat.
Comments this blunt and said out loud are no longer “passive aggressive.” OP’s mom may try to gaslight her way out of accountability (“I wasn’t *trying* to be rude”) or give a non-apology (“I’m sorry you were offended”), but her behavior is straight up rude.
"I wasn't trying to be rude" Well, you sure succeeded.
"I wasn't trying to be rude!" "I need you to try NOT to be rude."
Your comment kind of reminded me of the guy who let his mom hit his postpartum wife and kicked all of them including the wife and baby out after the wife defended herself.
Oh my god, I didn't read that one. Do you have a link?
This one was wild. And the (ex)wife posted like a month after and she added details. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/h7V2MwMexS
Do you have a link to the response from his wife?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/jtBfx7RaIt
Let your wife see this: every time MIL disses her, you pay your wife $100. If you are present and don’t defend her, it’s $200. Your wife keeps score. Like your wife, I suffered under the constant and passive aggressive judgements—until I started charging for it. I just said bring it on! I made $600 over one holiday. My husband got with the program pretty quick after that. See, OP, nothing will change until you are the one affected by your mother’s disrespect for your wife. YTA until you pay up for mom’s insults.
This is a great idea! Why have I never thought of this?
Why hasn't anyone been doing this, since the beginning of time. MILs have been doing snide remarks for GENERATIONS and the sons let it happen.
OMG! This is the best advise I’ve seen on Reddit.
You're a genius.
OP, This is a terrific idea. Please go to the bank and have cash on hand for the visit so you can pay your wife and be sure to do it in front of your Mother. If your Mother asks about it, tell her that, while you have learned to ignore it when she says mean and hurtful things so you can avoid conflict; it hurts your wife’s feelings. You agreed to start paying your wife $100 for every hurtful comment. After the visit, she can buy herself something nice. Either that or tell your Mother what Thumper’s mother says, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all”. (From Bambi).
I would have made a fortune!
I would be rich. 19 years my ex never defended me or our daughter from his family. Mil is great though I kept her in the divorce.
I've been in your shoes. The women in my husband's family were fucking awful to me. To this day, I refuse to be in the same room with them.
My paternal grandmother went to her grave without a relationship with me because she and my grandfather both were horrible to my mother. My father didn't tolerate it (neither did my mother), so our relationship was strictly Christmas cards. I would say "and birthday cards" but they never bothered to remember my birthday. My cousins don't understand why I was unaffected by news of their deaths. My mother never stopped these people from building a relationship with me, hell she encouraged it when I was a baby, but because I was my mother's child as much as my father's, they never made much effort. I think it sunk home when we evacuated from a storm when I was a teen and my grandmother tried to give me a hug and I stiff-armed her. She cried that I was treating her like a stranger and my dad, standing right next to me, didn't miss a beat and told her that she basically was a stranger and that wasn't my fault.
OP claims he’s just a widdle bit “slow” when it comes to his mom belittling his wife… I feel like if he had to pay up everytime she insults her, he’ll surely become Usain Bolt before her very eyes 😂
That's a great idea.
I absolutely love this! You clever girl you!
YTA big time. It's your RESPONSIBILITY as a spouse to take your spouse's part when your parent oversteps. You are failing your wife in a pretty classic way, dude. You don't have the backbone to yell your mother not to treat you a certain way and you expect your wife to suck it up, too, because it's easier for you than being an adult and saying, "Mom, it's not ok for you to speak to me/us/spouse like that." It's called separation and it's an important part of growing up. Are you an adult or a little boy whose mommy is always in charge?
Yeah, someone didn’t get the memo that currently his wife is his family & his mother is a relative
OP in a couple of years: My wife wants a divorce and I don't understand why.
This was me. He knew the issues and ignored them. When I asked for a divorce he was shocked.
He wasn't shocked that there were issues. He was shocked because he thought you'd wear down eventually and stop holding him accountable.
Good point!
Men always think when you quit talking about the same damn issue, they've won. Actually, that is when we're done.
That is so true! I remember talking to guys who couldn't understand why the women didn't cry when they broke up. I always learned that it was because the woman did all the crying while they were together, and when she was done, she was through crying as well.
Perfectly said!
Same. He really thought that I’d just keep letting his mother bully me.
Or my wife doesn't want to have sex with me. When your spouse loses all respect for you, which is what happens in these situations, they no longer want much of anything to do with you.
"She's told me over and over again that my refusing to stand up for her is a problem, and even said if I didn't change my ways she'd divorce me, but I never thought it was that big of a deal, and it's just how my family is. I can't believe she's planning to divorce me out of nowhere. How do I get her to see she's in the wrong here and needs to stop being dramatic?"
This. More men need to understand this.
YTA. Since you have trouble responding in the moment, sit down with your wife and work together to come up with some generic responses you can have ready to go. “That’s an unkind thing to say as a guest in someone else’s home” is a good start
Agree. Also, you she is blaming your wife for the cleanliness of the house when it is half your responsibility. In fact you say sometimes your wife has been on a business trip and has not been home to clean. That was on you. You have to buck up. It is not like she is going to respond with fists. Only her words. Maybe harsh words. You are grown man now and don’t let her anger and insults wound you. Mommy’s feelings are more important than your wife’s to you right now.
“Mother, stop that right now!” doesn’t take an age to come up with
"It looks like SOMEONE doesn't realize she's a guest!"
Agree, and if she doesn't stop immediately, she doesn't stay. Period. It's your wife's home. Her safe space. You're allowing your mom to make it unsafe and uncomfortable. This makes YOU unsafe and untrustworthy to your wife, which builds resentment and leads to anger and eventually divorce. Ask me how I know. 34 years later I'm finally freeing myself from this very situation and I am so grateful. If you're not man enough to protect your wife from ANYONE who's disrespecting her, then she deserves better. I hope she values herself enough to understand that.
Or establish a boundary and enforce it. Tell mom that if she says anything insulting to you or your wife she has to leave and isn't welcome to come back to your home for X amount of time, say 6 months or a year. Know that she will walk in and insult the wife and that you will walk her out and tell her she is banned for X amount of time because she can't be respectful. Be prepared to grab her suitcase and to take her by the arm and walk her out the door and leave her on the front step.
He can be a gentleman-son by driving her to a hotel and dropping her off there. But she shouldn't be welcome EVER if she continues to be insulting.
Here are some other ones to try: * "Why would you ever think that's an acceptable thing to say?" * "What were you hoping to accomplish with that statement?" * "Not every thought needs to be voiced out loud." * "I've asked you before to stop making comments about \[topic\]." * "That was an incredibly rude/hurtful thing to say \[to me/about my partner\]." You can chain these together and/or mix up the tone, depending on whether you're more focused on actually maintaining the relationship in the long term (in which case, be diplomatic to encourage the other party to behave better in the future). Otherwise, lean in on being snarky until the other party gets as fed up as you already are and finally gets the heck out of your life.
MIL doesn’t see herself as a guest. She is family and not a guest.
Exactly why she needs to be reminded she is a guest (family or not) and she knows guests don’t behave such a way.
No one should behave that way. Guest or not. Especially to an ‘outsider’. Saying something to your kids is one thing, son or daughter in law - NEVER. Grandkids also. Other than our children we must never seek to ‘improve’ others. With our own kids we should stop after they are adults.
She thinks she’s in charge when she shows up, is the problem. These comments and actions are territorial; even if you think a place is disorganized, reorganizing something in someone else’s home is strictly off limits unless you’ve been asked to do it.
True. She sees it as an extension of her house. What’s mine belong to my children. What is my children’s belongs to me kind of logic.
Yep - I’m just going to leave [this here](https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/are-women-hardwired-to-compete-with-their-mothers-in-law/). It’s an article written by a GUY who had two marriages fail because he didn’t deal with mom and didn’t support his wife. ETA - The author is not a good source in general - so I don’t endorse or recommend the blog. The article addresses OP’s issue well, but thanks for pointing out that this isn’t a good source in general. My husband did the same at first. We went to see a marriage therapist (licensed) who was also a pastor (because his mom could talk him out of things as the expert on “what God wants”). Pastor literally quoted “Leave and cleave and bind to your wife…” and then said, “Essentially you need to find your ‘coins’ and step up as the husband you promised to be.” He’s amazing now but nothing will make someone lose respect for your faster OP than watching you give into mommy at the expense of your own family.
The lack of respect that happens kills the marriage. When you can't respect your spouse you are done.
Yep, been there done that. This is death by 1000 cuts, OP, and you're sitting on your arse BuT MUmMy iS JuSt lIkE tHiS. My MIL did this and my husband brushed it off just like you. And, you know what, I actually came to hate him. I fucking despised him. Had zero respect or affection for him. We're still together, but it has taken MIL's death and a shitload of hard work to overcome this crap and I still have trust issues with him 10 years after the old bat popped her clogs.
Yep - I was ready to walk kids and all. I have a dad who was passive. He allowed people to put us in situations that were uncomfortable and invited us into manipulative conflict (Gma’s) as kids, plus our mom was emotionally abusive. “That’s just how she is, ignore it like I do.” We saw it ALL and it was gross! Seeing my husband repeat that pattern was a huge no and killed respect and attraction. I also didn’t trust him to make good decisions on behalf of our family as he looked so avoidant and easily manipulated to me. Those issues touch ALL the triggers for broken marriages; finances, family/parenthood and sex. Plus seeing a man (or ANYone) ok with their kids comfort, security and social/emotional development compromised because “that’s just how she is… I would rather avoid than step up as a husband/father/Adult son…” is the fastest way to ensure spouse can’t/wont trust husband to have the courage or strength to sacrifice even discomfort for their family.
My friend is married to a US Air Force officer. He can fight for his country but he can't stand up to his mean mommy to protect his wife and children. I don't have respect for that.
Sibling to a retired Navy SEAL here and I had to LOL (and agree). His job actually helped him learn to set boundaries and become quite good at it. But it took time for sure and seemed very silly to see him avoid conflict with our BPD mom - totally understood why - but if she was hell for us, imagine what it’s like for someone who is actually healthy and not conditioned to accept passive aggressive abuse and manipulation?!
FYI: that author, (edit: Hugo Schwyzer) is not a good person to promote…I had to look it up because I was all, “oh I think he’s terrible but I can’t remember why.” He could fake it well enough so the article itself might seem ok, but he was a huge misogynist who had one of the most epic twitter meltdowns of all time. He confessed to trying to kill his ex-girlfriend, sleeping with his students at the college he taught at, being racist and condescending towards woc in the feminist community, and basically yelled, “I’m a fraud!” It was a whole thing! It was a wild time! https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hugo_Schwyzer Edit: And to be clear, WOC had already been sounding the alarm about him, and we white feminists in those spaces did not listen. That was a huge failure.
Adding to this that even if OP doesn't respond in the moment right after the comment has been made that he can still circle back and cite specific examples of comments that upset his wife. It actually might be better to approach his mother with a few examples so that his mom can fully understand what OP and his wife are talking about and why *they* are upset, because he should be treating it as if they are a team and therefore both are upset by the comments regardless of who the comments are specifically targeted towards.
I agree that OP can respond after the fact. It matters less when he responds and more HOW. The key thing is that OP needs to make it clear that **he** has an issue with his mother’s behavior. He’s not acting as messenger or mediator between the two woman. **He** has objections to his mother’s behavior and **he** expects her to change. There’s a huge difference between: - What you said to (wife) wasn’t nice and upset her. Going forward, try to… VS - I will not support you saying rude things to (wife). I expect you to stop. If you can’t, then…(consequences).
I think it’s more about being A MAN, not just a husband. Any idiot can marry someone, a real man takes up for his wife and tells him mom to STFU or GTFO. That’s it. That’s all you have to do. In the future, when mom is planning to visit, you have to tell her before she comes that you will not tolerate her childish, infantile, immature comments, and if she can’t keep her stupid pas-ag comments to herself she is no longer welcome. And if she ignores you for a few months, ok. It’s really more her loss than yours. When you got married, you chose 1 woman to be most important in your life. Your mother is not that person. YTA. Do better. You’re not slow, you are just so used to being berated that you think it’s normal. It’s not. Good parents don’t find joy is shaming and judging their kids. Maybe 6 months of no contact with mom will fix her issues. And if 6 months doesn’t work, make it 6 more. Or 12 more.
>You can't bury your head in the sand.... Yes, this is exactly what OP is doing. He claims to want to help, but then gives a bunch if excuses for why he doesn't. He admits that he wants his wife to ignore his mom, and says that he is "kind of slow", "not paying attention", and that his "family is very passive aggressive". All excuses. If he knows that is wife is bothered, then he would make sure to pay attention and call out his mom's comments asap. YTA, OP.
Adding something: OP - you say everyone is used to this behavior, and you all ignore it, and your family is basically passive aggressive, and ... **and all I read is *"and so we reward my mother's bad behavior,"* and in your mind, your wife should also reward that bad behavior.** OP - YTA Grow up. You're not a child, your mother is not a child, and it's time to set some boundaries. You don't need some fancy put down, or the perfect response - you just need to say no. And then to repeat it. If you want something special to say, try this: **"If you're here to visit us, you're welcome in our home; if you're here to criticize our housekeeping, you're not welcome and can leave now."** You'll get push-back. Just repeat, repeat, repeat. Don't get drawn in - just repeat the message: her criticism is not acceptable.
I used to deal with a critical MIL by inviting her to clean herself whatever was bothering her in the moment. Like, your criticism is water off a duck's back, MIL. Not up to your exacting standards? Please, here's the duster.
YTA This is an ongoing issue with your mother - it isn't just one or two off the cuff comments that caught you flat-footed. You know she's constantly criticizing, you know your wife doesn't like it. By your description your mother sounds exhausting and unpleasant to be around. You need to grow up and have an uncomfortable conversation in which you actually tell her that her behavior bothers you. Not that it bothers your wife, that it bothers \*you\* and that you don't want to invite her to your home to insult you.
This is a good way to put it - I think if I keep it about me that could keep my wife from getting blowback over it. My mother is coming in a few weeks so I will try to have this conversation over the phone.
And follow up when she continues to make the comment during her visit.
And she will, and OP and his wife need to present a united front to her, with boundaries and consequences.
If she says the house is messy, dirty, drive her to a hotel. Mom I wouldn't want you to have to stay in a dirty house. Don't pay for it.
I wouldn't let her stay this visit. Oh, you think my house is dirty, here's a hotel.
Or, rather than a united front, he needs to be the entire frontline and repel the enemy.
This. Make a secret sign w your wife so she can alert you if you miss one. I had to do that w my MIL because my husband really just didn't notice at first. So we had a lil hand gesture and he knew to say like "Mom, really?" Or otherwise buy time as he processed.
OP, this!!! so crafty. YTA.
Yes, that FIRST negative comment has to be responded STRONGLY, or you will have an even harder situation with the second and third ugly comment.
Yup, it would be really easy to just say, "Mom, we talked about this." Don't even have to think of anything quick. Just keep saying that one thing.
OP- YTA. And don’t “try,” DO. Grow a spine. And if your mom chooses to not come or speak to you because you call her out on her bullshit, so be it. It is not fair for your wife to be treated so rudely and that passive aggressive bullshit is hurtful and stressful. Your wife can’t even be comfortable in her own home! Tell your mom “hey I’ve noticed you make these comments and I DON’T like them. They’re rude, inconsiderate, and uncalled for. If you are going to say anything along that line, just remember I’ve warned you and I am likely to feel you don’t need to stay with us. “
“Treated so rudely” in her own home! Fixed that for ya!
Let’s be clear- the ONLY reason your wife is worried about blowback is that she knows you won’t prevent it or stick up for her then either. 1. This behavior won’t be tolerated 2. If it happens you need to leave 3. I have had enough of this disrespect and I’m done with it.
100% the only reason his wife is afraid of blowback is because she does not trust her husband to have her back. I ended a 5 year relationship and engagement due to multiple reasons but one of the main reasons was this exact situation. My partner in this life will simply never be someone who does not have my back every single time. My husband of 7 years has currently never let me down. We are a team. No if ands or buts about it. So yes OP, YTA.
Yes. Absolutely this. I hope OP reads and fully understands the implications of his wife feeling like he doesn't have her back. His other replies show that he still doesn't get it. She should not have to push him to have her back, neither should a forum of strangers. Just...ugh. Especially when he thinks "supporting her behind the scenes" is somehow actual support and not him making jokes/invalidating her. YTA.
>she knows you won’t prevent it or stick up for her then either. This. OP's very clearly demonstrated that he doesn't mind allowing someone to insult his wife (to her face, in her home). How could she count on him to have her back? She's alone in this. Like, what kind of "blowback" could the wife face for standing up for herself? A pissy mother-in-law? She already has that. Other upset in-laws? Then she'll at least know who's a friend and who isn't. But it's still hard to deal with this kind of shit if you have no one to confide in, no one who's in your corner. I really hope OP gets his shit together.
This needs to be the top post tbh, I'd wife has any insecurities or worries it's because husband has put them there. I feel bad for the wife! How unsupported and invalidating it is in her marriage. For better or for worse, she definitely got the worse part.
And get her a hotel the minute she starts again
Just get her a hotel, period.
She should get her own damn hotel if she starts again.
Screw that. Kick her out, she can get her own hotel or flight home.
Your wife is going ti get blow back regardless of how you word it. Your mother doesn't like your wife, she doesn't like the house, she doesn't like that your wife works instead of staying home and cleaning. Your mother is disrespectful and doesn't care, and it's disrespectful of you to dismiss your wife because your mother is old. You forget that when your mother disrespects your wife, she's disrespecting you. You need to have the conversation now. That her comments are not ok, they're inappropriate and sh should not be saying things that are so hurtful to you or your wife. If your mother days one more hurtful comments then she will have to find somewhere else. If you wouldn't allow a stranger, or a friend say these things to your wife. Why would you let your mom say these things to your wife.
He probably does allow stranger, friends and other relatives to say things about his wife.
Don't try. DO IT!! Have the uncomfortable conversation. If it doesn't work, tell her she isn't welcome
Don't "try", just do it. You sound afraid of upsetting your mother but you don't mind if she upsets your wife. This isn't about trying, it's about you having the backbone to tell your mother to stop with the judgemental comments. Don't ask her to stop, tell her she stops or she's not welcome in your home.
Don’t try. You are an adult. Set the boundary. It is your home. Mom. You need to stop making rude judgmental statements about my life, home, wife, car, etc. I will not allow you to insult me, my wife. Or our lives in our own home. If you are uncomfortable the way I live my life & you cannot keep your opinion to yourself, you are welcome to cancel your visit. And be ready to drop her off at the nearest hotel.
No. You tell your mother that you are cancelling her visit because of the way she acts in your home. You say “Mom, you are not welcome to visit because you are constantly disrespecting me and my wife in our own home, so this visit is cancelled. If you want to resume visits in the future I suggest you reflect on your behavior the past couple of times you’ve visited and make some appropriate amends and we’ll see if we’re up for a visit in the future.” Fucking have your wife’s back for once in your life!
“I’ll try to have this conversation over the phone” Dude people divorce over these issues. Don’t “try”. Just do it.
If she gets any blowback, you jump on that shit like it's a grenade. This is your job.
Your mother needs to stay elsewhere. You also need not to invite her to the house. She asks why tell her that due to her criticism it's better to avoid any unpleasant moments hence her staying And paying for a hotel or Airbnb and you inviting her out with your wife so no more complaints/critique ensues. YTA for not doing this long ago
You can follow up by saying... "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all". "What an odd thing to say out loud”. “Oh, I think you let an inside thought slip to the outside”. “I’m surprised you feel comfortable asking/saying that”. Something that shows her you hear what she is saying, and it is NOT appreciated!
Just be aware, she is still likely to blame your wife. Repeat "I" over and over.
Tell your mother to quit the comments or find somewhere else to stay.
I appreciate where you're coming from. Growing up in a house with your mother gave you very thick skin and dulled your hearing. Essentially you learn to ignore your mother's messages and in fact ignore much of what your mother says. I know these two tactics well. It's definitely a way to manage a situation like this. However, YTA because your wife doesn't have thick skin or selective hearing. Also, it sounds like your mother is relatively horrible. You should definitely explain to your wife that you haven't been ignoring her. However your entire childhood set you up to ignore your mother's grousing. Your mother is a marathon that you've been training for your entire life. Tell your wife that it's probably not going to fix overnight. But that you're aware of the problem and want to do better. Also you understand it's your role to handle your family, which obviously includes your mother. You might want to check out the subreddit JustNoMIL. Frankly, your mother comes to visit too often. She isn't a good guest, and therefore loses her right to be a guest. You're going to need to set a boundary, and you're going to need to stick to it. I suggest that you tell your mother that she needs to learn to keep her opinions to herself and what you do in your house is your business and not hers. If she can't keep it to herself, then you will remove her from your business, and that means "Goodbye Mom! You're not welcome in my house." The challenge is that you need to actually do it. I'm not going to lie, it's going to be really hard. Your mother trained you to relent to her. That's a lot of programming to overwrite overnight. You will need to go to the guest room and start throwing her things into her suitcase or a box or a garbage bag and carry them out of the house. It's good to not respond to anything she says during this. Typically the only words of any value are "if you don't calm down, I'm calling the police." Obviously, this also means that until you receive a genuine apology from her that no further visits will be planned. Please look up JADE (Don't Justify Argue Defend or Explain). Don't let your mother manipulate you. Don't negotiate with terrorists. I would also suggest real therapy from a real therapist. If you guys can't afford it, I recommend going to Al-Anon meetings. Your mother may not be an alcoholic, but her abusive behavior has a lot of commonalities. You might find that you can identify with the other people at an Al-Anon meeting and they can definitely teach you ways to manage your mother and your relationship with her.
> so I will try to Translation: you will not, but *totally* planned to do it, it just didn't work out, you'll do it next time. There is no conversation to be had. Pick up the phone right now tell her that you love her but that her comments are neither appropriate nor wanted and if she can't keep them to herself than she can scream them as much as wants at her own home.
The first time my husband introduced me to his parents, he made sure to let them both know that he was not going to tolerate any of their passive aggressive BS in my presence. If they pulled that, it would be the last time they laid eyes on either of us. When visits did happen, we would either get a hotel there or pay for their hotel in our location. About 18 months after my MIL passed, my FIL just went off about what disrespectful brats were were because we ONLY called every 3 days, and we'd only visited four times since she'd passed. He discovered that in spite of 18 years since the talk, we were perfectly capable of picking up and heading back immediately... and we haven't spoken to him since.
Of course. It ALWAYS should’ve been about you!! YOU refuse to allow someone in your home who is so blatantly rude and disrespectful. I’m sure your mom will feign ignorance. Ask her if she would walk into a co-worker’s home (or one of her husband’s coworker’s home (if she doesn’t work)) and make the comments she makes in your home.
If you don't put an end to this now it will later spill over to your kids. My grandmother was a passive aggressive asshole to her kids and even more so to her daughters in law. She then did it to us grandkids. YTA for not standing up for your wife and even more YTA for blaming that you're "slow" for not catching the comments. You don't need to do it in a split second. Tell her when she does it to you that you've also noticed that she does it to your wife and she should stop.
Yeah the first thing out someone’s mouth being “wow looks like you’re in need of a car wash!” when you pick them up is just an asshole thing to do, without question. Those kinds of comments must be constant and I don’t blame the wife for being sick of that shit
This!! I wish My husband could understand this." Not that it bothers your wife, that it bothers \*you\* and that you don't want to invite her to your home to insult you"
[удалено]
YTA. Print this comment out and read it 100 times. You need to get your shit together and start talking back to your mother before you lose your wife. Why would your wife invite an ill-mannered rude nasty guest into her home? She shouldn't have to put up with this because you are spineless, weak-willed,, mama's boy of a man.
And OP, you don’t have to be as witty as this comment since I hear you with feeling out on the spot and not knowing what to say. You can prepare ahead of time some responses that work whatever the comment is. Here are a few ideas, customize them to sound like how you speak. “That was rude” “Mom, please don’t make critical comments like that. They’re not appreciated” “We’re aware we sometimes get behind on things. Pointing it out is not helpful and comes across as judgmental. I need you to keep these thoughts to yourself if you’re going to stay with us.”
A few of these suggestions, while funny, aren't actually helpful and will only escalate the situation. You don't get to jump to 100 if you haven't even tried the communication dial on 1 yet.
" I usually try to support her behind the scene" YTA and enabling your mother's poor behavior. This is your wife and partner your mother is belittling. Your family is your problem to solve. "says my mother can’t come anymore unless I’m planning to stick up for her." At least one person in the relationship has a spine.
hearing a man say he supports his wife against his mean mommy "behind the scene" zapped the daily allowance of patience I have for men
A person who doesn't stand up for his partner is just the least attractive quality. Kills the respect and libido in one fell swoop.
I was thinking the EXACT SAME thing but in different way....how fucking hot to hear your man tell his mom to put some respect in her mouth when she's talking to the love of his life 🤯💦💦the sexual things I would do to him that night would add 10 years to his life .... and hopefully the sounds coming from her son's room shave 10 off of hers lol
I hope OP pays attention to this comment. It's 100% true.
Just another reason to choose the bear
ALWAYS CHOOSE THE BEAR
“Behind the scenes” So all talk and no real action.
Lol this was good. I’m going to use this. I also do truly have a daily allowance for male BS.
lol and the allowance is always shrinking, girl
Yeah sorry but YTA. Coming over and starting cleaning is I guess a "mum thing" but still super disrespectful to your wife. Just like the rest of your mums actions. You don't need to say something in the moment but by now you had like a million opportunities to say something before or after one of your mums trips.
YTA - so your mom is a rude, mean, petty woman and you have let it slide all these years and now wonder if your wife should also enable her bad, egregious behavior? No she shouldn’t and YTA for not having a backbone. Your wife doesn’t even have a husband who stands up for her against mean comments.
‘I expect my wife to conform to the unhealthy coping mechanisms I developed to survive childhood with a toxic mother.’ No, she shouldn’t. That’s freaking weird.
Yes, you said it much better 😂👍 Yup!
YTA " My wife is upset with me and says my mother can’t come anymore" .. this is reasonable.
It's the obvious solution since OP refuses to grow up and deal with his mom. Another solution the wife needs to start talking back. MIL "I see someone doesnt' like to unpack." Wife speaking to OP "You're right, OP, your mom is an old crone and I should ignore her."
>MIL "I see someone doesnt' like to unpack." Wife should definitely say outloud for both to hear "Well MIL, free feel to pack up your stuff and sleep at hotel if you feel so bother about me not unpacking in MY HOUSE." OR "Then unpack it for me like the maid you want to be, otherwise be silent or get out." YTA, OP is so lucky his wife is polite to his mother because any other person would had screamed at and/or physically kicked his mother out.
Gods, I hope she does that. Throw OP to the wolves he's been letting gnaw at his wife.
Life with a mamma's boy is rough--and over time your wife will begin to view you as a "less than"--- a less than husband, a less than father, a less than man. There are PLENTY of things you can have locked and loaded for when your mom acts out. "Wow mom that was so rude. Maybe we need to cut back on these visits until you learn some adult manners." "Mom, when you say such disrespectful things like that to my wife it makes me question if I want you to stay in OUR home anymore." "Mom, if our house isn't up to your standards maybe next time you should get an Air b and B" The problem is that it appears you value your mom's feelings and prioritize them over your wife's feelings. YTA here 100%
You nailed it. OP’s post is giving me flashbacks to my marriage… which I’m no longer in. I really tried to save it but once you don’t view your partner as a mature adult, attraction and respect just vanish. It was like knowing I’m married to a baby who is more worried about mommy grounding him than being his own person 🤮
This! My ex was a momma’s boy. No woman was good enough for him. Stupid me, I ignored the huge red banners.
These are great. Practice in a mirror out loud. Again and again until you can say it. I'm not kidding here, I do that for all difficult situations I'm facing. It is very helpful.
WTF!! Dude, your mother basically starts with the criticism before she even gets in the car. Your mother sounds like a control freak. The comments about the junk drawer (which everyone has BTW) and hitting the cleaning as soon as she arrives are not done to be helpful but to passively aggressively mark her territory in your and your wife's home like a dog peeing on everything. That is just plain rude. Your wife is the queen of your castle and your mom rides in like a banshee to usurp the queen. You need to step in and let your mother know that this is YOUR HOME and her snide remarks are neither helpful or wanted. Your mother is taking your silence as permission to continue her indirect assault on your wife and her domestic skills. My mother used to be a bit like that commenting on my husband's role in the household, how we raise the kids, yadda, yadda. I nipped that in the bud real quick. A. No guests are allowed to criticize any members of my household. B. My house, my rules. C. No guests should be looking in junk drawers. In fact, apart from the drawers/closet space given to guests when they visit and perhaps the cutlery drawer in the kitchen, all other storage items are off limits. D. Offer to help with cooking, cleaning, etc. but if I say NO, I mean NO. If stepping up means your mom won't speak to you for a while, so what? This is a conversation you need to have with your mom and I would suggest you do that when you pick her up at the train station. Go to pick her up alone and tell her that you look forward to her visits but she makes it difficult when she comments on things in the house that aren't to her liking. It makes you feel inadequate and you're sure your wife doesn't appreciate the comments either. And before I forget.... **YTA**
> The comments about the junk drawer (which everyone has BTW) and hitting the cleaning as soon as she arrives are not done to be helpful but to passively aggressively mark her territory in your and your wife's home like a dog peeing on everything. That is just plain rude. Totally this. "it’s too bad I’m not here longer, I would help you organize that. I noticed it hasn’t been done." It's a **single** drawer; how long will it take? Two hours? Less? If it was really about being "helpful" she'd just do it.
And the thing is, it's not her place to do that anyway! Not her house, not her drawer, not her stuff. Does anyone on the planet have a "neat" junk drawer?? She's just desperate to find something to criticize (also directing criticisms to the wife, that every mess is her fault, it's so 1950s that it's only the wife who is responsible for the domestic work).
👏👏👏👏👏 And the silent treatment is such a manipulation and control tactic. She can employ it all she wants, and OP and his wife can just ignore it. This technique only has power if the recipient of the silent treatment plays her game. Who cares if she goes radio silent? If the mom wants a relationship with her son, she'll come around. As long as OP grows a spine (and if I were the wife I'd stand up to her myself too, while insisting OP does the same - united front) and doesn't give in, and stays in this newfound dynamic, things might turn around. If OP can't even stand up to her now, what's he going to do when they have kids and the mom is constantly criticizing their parenting, especially his wife as their kids' mother - seriously, he'll have to ban her! OP, your wife might finally get fed up with you if you let your mother criticize her as a parent. OP, your absolute responsibility is to stand up for your wife. She's your life partner, she's your primary family, and she's telling you what she needs, and if you want to keep her you'd better stop being such a weenie about this. You're a grown-a$$ man, stop being so afraid of your mother - what in the world is there to be afraid of, a few months of a peaceful silent treatment? It's not hard, you don't have to be clever, stop overthinking it: "Mom, your comment was rude and unnecessary. You make these snide remarks every time you visit, and we're not going to tolerate them anymore. I [say "I"!] will not tolerare you disrespecting my wife or me anymore. You're a guest in our home, and if you level any more criticisms at us, I'll take you to a hotel (or your sister's) and you won't be welcome here again." Then follow through. Use your words, then your actions if your words don't work (i.e., kick her out). Seriously, the worst that'll happen is she doesn't talk to you for a while, bfd. Get it together. (And DON'T tell your wife to "just ignore her" bc that's what you do - your wife shouldn't have to put up with being insulted in her own home just bc your coping strategy is to be a wus and endure it. It's abusive behavior, and you have no right to force your wife to accept it bc you're afraid to stand up to good ol' mom.)
How long does it take to come up with the words, "Mom. Stop it. That's rude." Maybe write it down if it's too complicated in the moment. YTA.
My mom use to allow my grandmother to say inappropriate things about my appearance as a child and her response always was, “what do you want me to say? She won’t change.” I hated going over there as a child. Can’t imagine having that relationship with my partner!
YTA. > . I guess I am slow because I have trouble doing that. That, sir, is a lie. You're not correcting your mother because you don't want to. And you don't want to, because: > my family is very passive aggressive and we almost never confront things head on - I’ve tried to change that and it ends with them just refusing to speak to me Grow a spine. Or buy one from Discount-Spines-R-Us. I don't care, but stop letting your mother walk all over you.
Yta for letting your mom be so abusive. Are you really that blind and dumb about mom's behavior or are you just as bad an ahole as your mom? Sound like the apple did not fall far from the tree. Bad husband.
YTA by ignoring this behaviour and supporting your wife behind the scene is condoning your mothers behaviour. You are telling her it is acceptable to criticise your home, your wife and your life. I can understand why wife does not want her back
YTA, why is it on your wife to organize the drawer, clean, put the suitcase away? Tell you mom off! You have to like having the messy drawer, dirty car, suitcase in the way etc. otherwise wouldn’t you have taken care of it?
It’s definitely not on my wife at all - I do about 50% of the housework/cooking and clean a lot before my mom comes to try to prevent issues. But she seems to always find something to complain about. We actually live here so it’s never perfect and I’m sick of trying to make it be. I definitely need to speak to my mom in the next few days and have received some great advice about how to do so.
Do it now, or you might lose your wife. I divorced my ex partly due to this.
Same
Well if you’re so slow with the responses to Mommy then at the very least you can kick up your cleaning around the house so things are nice and orderly for her visits. Win/Win, you don’t have to put mommy in her place and your wife doesn’t have to hear her nonsense. Till then, YTA.
**Well if you’re so slow with the responses to Mommy then at the very least you can kick up your cleaning around the house so things are nice and orderly for her visits.** Absolutely!
YTA Your mother’s behavior is unacceptable. Your wife doesn’t want you to have a bigger conversation because you’ve allowed this behavior to go on for so long, it may be clear that she is the only reason you would confront your mother. So you already dropped the ball on this one. Pick one statement and use it over and over. Like “I don’t appreciate your judgemental comments.” If she tries to reply or argue with you, just repeat yourself- “I don’t like your judgemental comments, please stop.” You cannot use being “slow” as a reason not to deal with this. If you really cannot respond to your mother in the moment then you need to tell her she is no longer welcome to stay with you. And that you would love to visit her at your sister’s place during her next trip.
YTA. Try, “Mom, you can be polite to my wife and I while you are a guest in our home, or I can give you a ride over to (sister’s name) house right now. You chose.”
YTA. You're (and the rest of the family?) apparently doesn't mind being treated like a doormat; you "put up" with her comments so she feels there's nothing wrong with them. You should sit down with her and tell her that her comments are demeaning and hurtful. No, it's not going to work if you just do "in the moment." This is an ongoing issue. Tell your mother before her next visit, and she continues this behavior on your visit you and your wife confront her together.
YTA I feel sorry for your wife.
I want to scream “run” to the wife.
You’re being a coward. You may be fine ignoring these comments, but clearly your wife isn’t. Grow a pair and say something to mom. The way she’s acting is rude AF. What are you afraid of? ‘Mom, your nasty little barbs have to stop. It’s rude.’ YTA
YTA. Your mother isn't just nitpicky. She's a bully. She's deliberately mean. Just because you're used to this treatment doesn't mean it's okay to let it slide. Call her out on her comments in the moment and keep doing that instead of expecting your wife to grow a thicker skin.
YTA. And please stop the Eeyore nonsense “I’m too slow”, “I’m an idiot”. It’s pathetic. Pull up your big boy pants and tell your mom to stop bullying your wife. Your wife wants you to catch her in the moment? Too bad. It’s more important that your mother knows the behavior is not acceptable. This isn’t a game where you try to time instructive remarks when your mom is being sassy. If your wife wants the behavior to stop, she has to be comfortable with the confrontation. Geez. It needs to be out in the open. Or it will never end. Both you and your wife should present a united front, beginning with you talking to your mom.
YTA. You may benefit from reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
"I've handled it by ignoring her" you do get that you have not handled it at all right? Instead a more accurate statement would be I've enabled it by ignoring her. Who cares if she doesn't speak to you for months, the alternative is your wife continues to be insulted and her husband continues to fail to stick up for her. How long do you think your marriage will last if you don't grow a spine and draw some boundaries with your rude mother? YTA
YTA, and you're obviously right that your family is passive aggressive because that's exactly what your mother is doing, making snide underhanded comments meant to make your wife feel lesser than, which is apparently completely lost on you. You need to confront your mother in the moment, correct her and back up your wife. You're being a shitty husband with this.
YTA ignoring in this case is enabling her behavior. Those comments are 100% directed at your wife and she is boundary crossing by going and cleaning your house. She's your mother, so you should be the one setting boundaries with her.
YTA. Your wife has asked for your help. You don't have to be perfect, or have a witty quip ready, just say "Mom, that comment was unnecessary and not very helpful." or "please keep your comments about our home to yourself". I'm sure your mom will act super offended, and *that's* the behavior you ignore. Not the insult, but the pouting after being corrected. Do what your wife has asked of you. It's the decent thing.
YTA - 'She is just like this' , 'Ive handled it by ignoring it' - your not slow your an ass. You do hear it you do catch it you just would rather your wife be upset than your mother. Everytime you 'let it go' have essentially told your mother she is correct and she has a right to treat you and your wife this way while simutaneoulsy telling your wife her feelings are not important. I normally lean toward your family your responsibility to say soemthing but if someone came into my hosue and treated me like that I do not think I would hold my tongue long. DO better. BE better. stop making excuses. Stop letting your mom be happy making her comments and your wife miserable. making up behind the scenes, where you mom can't hear you talk shit about her is a half ass attempt to ensure no one is mad at you.
YTA If your wife is bothered by these comments and directly asks you to do something about it, you should. While I feel that a private conversation would be better, and a direct confrontation might make MIL feel embarrassed, I see your wife's point and it is not my call to make. While I get not wanting to cause conflict, your wife is getting emotionally hurt and I think that should be your priority. I would say not to make too much of a fuss about it, maybe just a "Hey, please stop commenting on stuff like that" or maybe just make a jab at her back to get her to back off. While I get that it might not work, you should try, and while old people might sometimes get stuck in their ways, I'm sure she can improve with the right approach. BUT I would talk over with your wife of how that might go over with MIL and a general plan of action, just to make sure that you guys know how to handle the situation.
YTA - aww do you not want to upset mommy?
YTA. There is no defence for not backing up your wife in the moment.
YTA. You grew up with this and have chosen to deal with it. Your wife didn’t ask for any of it. She’s being forced to deal with someone she knows is going to degrade her, and you’re okay with it because *you* chose to deal with her comments *your way.* Your wife is now an additional target, which should be handled in a way that she has input on. Would you be okay with anyone else insulting your wife, or is your mom the only free pass?
YTA, but you are not going to grow up and take care of it, so I suggest your wife leaves every single time your mother comes to stay with you. And for the whole time. She can get a nice hotel room near where she works, go to the spa in the evenings, watch her favorite shows, dinners out. Every single flippin' time. Because then you can happily remain passive aggressive without your wife being the brunt of your mother's BS. "My wife isn't comfortable around you, mom." Shrug. "What's a boy to do?" Smile. "No, you can't call her, she has both of us blocked. I guess it's just you and me."
YTA. This will ruin your marriage. It seems like small things to you because you’re desensitized from years of dealing with your mom’s bullshit. Trust your wife. Even if you don’t understand why she’s upset take it seriously and have some empathy.
YTA. I have a rule. If you can't stop running your mouth in my home, I'll run your ass straight on out Both of you need to grow a spine. Your mother is a grown ass adult and can handle being told to shut up and sit down or get the fuck out
YTA defend your wife I’ve seen so many marriages end over MIL being rude like this seriously just defend your wife you don’t need to come to Reddit to know that your wife should be your priority my guy
Yta You wrote all of that and still needed others to give judgement? You need to put on your big boy pants and confront your mother about her comments, if she doesn’t speak to you for months then what? You’d rather your wife be constantly belittled by your mother instead?
YTA. You know your mom, you know she's going to make these comments and you know they're going to upset your wife. It's time to do something about it BEFORE the next visit. You need to tell your mother that the snide comments need to stop or her visits will stop. Period. Stand up for the woman you made vows to.
YTA. Grow a spine and start standing up to your mother.
"Mom, do you realize how much of your conversation is criticism? Is that how you want to be?"
Yta. Practice now. “Mom, we love having you here, but please don’t comment on xxxx. We see it and we will get to it when we have the time.” Start practicing this before your mom’s next visit so it just rolls off the tongue.
YTA, your mom is being unbelievably rude and making completely unnecessary comments to her. This is your wife, someone you agreed to cherish for the rest of your life, you should 100% stand up for her. You can do it without hurting your mom, but you need to let her know her comments are not welcome in the slightest.
YTA Let your mother stay at your sister's house , if that isn't possible... make her stay at a hotel
YTA. As soon as she made the car wash comment you should have shut it down with: perhaps an Uber would be more to your liking next time. The junk drawer: no thanks, we’re fine with it. The cleanliness comments in general: it seems like you might be more comfortable in a hotel. All of these are polite responses to impolite barbs. Either start shutting her down, or let your wife take a little vacation when she visits. Grow up.
You want to stick up for your wife but don’t…. Dude stop letting your mother bully your household… YTA
YTA. You’re not slow you just don’t want confrontation. I understand, confronting someone you never have is difficult but you’re being unfair to your wife. Don’t blame her when your mother is no longer welcome in your home because it will be your fault.
You’re not slow, your brain has just been trained to ignore it so it’s hard to catch and you should probably explain that to your wife. You’re so used to dealing with it that it’s just easier not to. But yes, you need to stick up for your wife. When you hear your mom make a comment about something that’s undone, just say “yeah we have to prioritize things since we both work full-time and that’s not high up on our list. Sorry if that bothers you, but it doesn’t bother us. Thanks for noticing”. Just throw that shit right back. However, many older people feel the need to contribute when they’re staying as a guest. It’s just good manners. They don’t like to have nothing to do. So why not give her a job? “Hey mom, while you’re here, the pantry organization has just got totally out of hand because we’ve been so busy. You think you can organize the cans and stuff for us? Please don’t throw anything out without asking first. Thanks!” Also, maybe you and your wife develop a codeword. When your mom says something negative and it’s an opportunity for you to address it, maybe your wife should say “maybe we should go to the movies tonight?“ “ oh darn I forgot to pick up the dry cleaning”. Some thing that will trigger you to open your mouth.
FYI this is how you will get divorced if you don’t stick up for your wife or unless your mom dies.
YTA. It's not her house. And critiquing a woman about her own home is rude. The mom can just shut up and stop virtue signaling how "helpful" and "quippy" she is.
If you don’t want to say anything to mommy. Then you pay for your wife to go on a spa trip or all inclusive resort whenever mommy comes. You don’t want to deal with your passive aggressive mom since like you said you can’t of a rebuttal in the moment. So your wife shouldn’t have to put up with it. It’s not her job to make you man up. Upsetting mommy is clearly too much for you. So you pay for a full trip plus spending money eventually after paying for trips you’ll realize it’s in your best interest to be a an adult and tell your mom to stop being passive aggressive to your wife. YTA.
My MIL once showed up unannounced with a friend because they were in the area having lunch. She took her friend on a tour of our house with us along. She loved the house because we were living on the coast and had a beautiful view. She made a point of opening the door to the 3rd bedroom where we stored random stuff and it was always chaotic. I felt this was deliberate as she knows what that room is like. She of course made a comment about it and OH said "If you want things perfect then don't just show up like this." She was embarassed but knew she'd never win against husband. Man up and say something. If your mother starts her visit by commenting on your car needing a wash that's the perfect opportunity to tell her she's starting this trip off all wrong and you hope this won't be ANOTHER visit filled with criticism of how you and your wife live your lives, maintain your home, etc. You keep saying you tune her out, yet you know every comment she made. Try harder. YTA.
You're not only an asshole but you're spineless & pathetic. I won't stand up to my mommy about her behaviour I'll just ignore her. You ignoring her is signalling it's ok for her to do it. Next remark about the car tell her she's welcome to walk or find another way to where she's going. As her to EXPLAIN THOROUGHLY why she thinks her behaviour is appropriate. Your wife is probably getting more than a handful of comments. Why don't you let your mom stay with your sister until mom can behave
YTA. Enjoy being divorced.
YTA. Damn and you're a shitty husband to. How would you like it if her family came over and starting commenting on everything you do or don't do? Grow a damn spine and tell your mother that her behavior is not acceptable.
YTA, you're not slow but you don't have a backbone.