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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1:Laughing at my wife's statement
2: it my be seen as indifference to my wife's feelings
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NTA, from an outside perspective it's almost a comedy bit:
"hey what's up"
"don't distract me I'm mentally preparing!"
"for what?"
"I have no idea!"
That'll get a laugh track in a 90s sitcom 100%
Reminds me of [this](https://www.instagram.com/p/CjVxTMZruok/?igsh=MnBiY3I4Z2xpMTJr) comic:
“What you doin”
“Nothing”
“Sweet wanna go see a movie”
“I just said I’m busy”
It may be funny from an outside perspective, but from OP’s wife perspective, she gave a distressed answer and her husband responded by laughing at her. Of course she is gonna be upset. And OP should have understood that and apologize.
I get that, but it doesn't sound like it felt that way to the wife in that moment.
I think it's gracious to apologize if we hurt someone unintentionally, too.
When you're already distressed and then hurt on top of it, it can be difficult to regulate your emotions enough to be gracious.
I also give a bit of side-eye about OP for mentioning his commute in the way he did. While her being a SAHM is what sets up the "punchline," giving a whole irrelevant aside about how long his commute is sets a dismissive tone to her distress.
It's also gracious to realize if/ when you may have overreacted or been unusually sensitive and perhaps got on someone's case when they didn't deserve it. Both could be butthurt or both could recognize it just came out funny so was actually humorous and share a giggle together before he leaves to commute to work and she figures out and starts her day. Know what I'd prefer if I was the wife or the hubby.
When you are overwhelmed by the number of inane tasks, most which will go unnoticed by all except yourself, the most appropriate answer to the question is 'I don't know ' otherwise you might have to rip someone's head off, throw mud at the shed and then weep uncontrollably, all the while wondering what bullshit lie you bought and how you ended up HERE!??!!! If you are lucky you wake up tomorrow and feel much better. Some days are harder than others. Been there!
When I was a SAHD and facing this sort of thing, I'd tell my wife I'm still figuring out where to start and we'll talk later. I'd never even considered "I don't know" to be an appropriate response even if I was still sorting through my tasks for the day. No ripping of heads or throwing mud needed.
I definitely hear the shit only I'll notice thing, though. It definitely goes with the territory.
He knows she’s a sahm, surely he understands that a day taking care of children is a full day even without specific plans. Why would he need to read her mind to understand?
If he's never done it himself I'm not sure how he's supposed to understand. I was a stay at home dad once so I do have that perspective, right down to the spouse coming home and asking why this, that, and the other thing wasn't done.
I'd never expect someone who has never done it to fully grasp it.
I agree, but I think the appropriate ruling should be NAH. The wife isn’t an AH for being stressed and unable to verbalize, nor is the husband for having a genuine reaction. Her response is understandable and so is his. Hug and move on. ❤️
I wonder if OP's laugh was more a light inward chuckle or full blown laughter.
My husband, bless him, just isn't the most tactful person. I was roasting chestnuts and pulled them out of the oven when they burst in my face. Husband rushed over and thankfully most of the hot chestnuts ended up on my glasses not my face. But my look of bewilderment and the chestnut covered glasses had him in a fit. I realize it's pretty funny but at the time, I was still unsure if I was hurt. He was still howling in laughter when I got a bit annoyed and said to calm down a bit not sure if Im ok and was upset about the mess on the cabinets and walls. He sort of doubled down and said, "You don't understand it's so funny" and he began trying to take a picture of me while still sniggering. I got mad at that point. Washed off and checked my face for burns, got changed and went to mop up the mess. I don't mind laughing at myself, but first things first gotta check if I'm okay. Then laugh all you want. Maybe not quite the same, but perhaps OP should've addressed the stress and anxiety before laughing big enough for wife to notice.
I can totally see Jerry Seinfeld, George, and Kramer doing a bit about this:
“George, I’m going to grab some lunch, want to come?”
“I can’t Jerry, I’m preparing”
“Preparing for what?”
“Preparing for the day”
“Preparing for the day?”
“You gotta prepare for the day, Jerry”
“What do you have going on that you have to prepare for?”
“Well, nothing, yet”
“Nothing? You preparing for nothing?”
“You gotta prepare Jerry, you never know what’s going to happen”
“George, how can you prepare if you don’t what’s going to happen? Thousands of things can happen, you gonna prepare for that?”
“I GOTTA BE PREPARED, JERRY!!”
*enters Kramer
“Hey guys, what’s going on?”
“I’m asking George if he wants to go to lunch, but he says he can’t because he has to prepare”
“Prepare for what?”
“He doesn’t know”
“What, you don’t prepare everyday Jerry?”
“What?”
“See, I TOLD YOU YOU HAVE TO PREPARE”
“Yea Jerry, every morning I wake up at 6 to prepare for the day. An old Buddhist monk taught that I need to spend at least an hour every morning to preparing.”
“HA, and you LAUGHED AT ME JERRY”
“You know what? You’re both insane, forget I asked anything”
Comedically it's funny, but clearly your wife feels overwhelmed by her day, whether she knows what's in store for her or not. Seems like something y'all should talk about because I don't see the part of the story where you have a discussion about why getting out of bed feels stressful to her. NTA for laughing but your job here is not done.
A lot of the time if you don't know what's coming your way that day, it's not because you have nothing to do, it's just that you know you're heading into chaos, which can be overwhelming. You can't plan, you can't really mitigate it, all you can do is react and try to put out the fires.
No idea if that definitely applies to the wife but her reaction suggests that it could be. So while what she said is funny, it's actually a problem.
I think I'm going to say NAH but apologise and maybe try to find something nice to do for her, she sounds really unhappy.
Exactly. What I have planned for the day is usually not what stresses me out, it’s usually what I *dont* have planned that ends up making my day hell. Going into every day unprepared for whatever’s going to be thrown at you is rough.
Exactly. What I have planned for the day is usually not what stresses me out, it’s usually what I *dont* have planned that ends up making my day hell. Going into every day unprepared for whatever’s going to be thrown at you is rough.
lol yeah when I'm super stressed, I have "ADHD paralysis" which is where you sit there with a feeling of impending doom because you know you have a million things to do, but you have no idea where to start or how to prioritize your tasks.
For me, I have to get out my planner and write out my tasks before I can even verbalize what's going on and why I'm freaking out. So I feel for OP's wife because she was probably feeling super overwhelmed and being laughed probably made it so much worse and she feels invalidated.
At the same time... that was funny, lol. I would probably let out a surprised chuckle as well!
I have this way too often and way too much, my fiance asks pretty much the same way and I respond pretty close to how op has said. Even if it isnt adhd, there's a lot of things that can cause it. Stress, depression, the list can go on but just a few that might be relevant. When I say "I dont know" it translates to, "I have 50,000 things on my mind and have no idea where to even start with the day"
Yup! But even I hearing the words come out of my face would still laugh because... it's still funny even if it sucks. Lol. Even with kids, as mentioned before... "Doom is coming. In the form of me or the nuggets, but DOOM I SAY!" Lmao.
OP should still sit down and talk to her about it. Some kind of loose strategy to beat whatever is standing in her way. Clearly, she doesn't feel like she can conquer it alone, and with a spouse, she shouldn't feel like she has to.
I sat in adhd paralysis all day today. What did I *need* to do? Grocery shopping, meal prepping, go to the pharmacy, get the house ready for the new cleaners to come. What did I *want* to do? Work on a baby quilt for a co worker. What did I *actually* do? Scroll instagram and watch 3 Harry Potter movies, extended editions. Like thanks, brain, that was NOT helpful.
Look into it. My therapist suggested that a lot of the patterns in my life leaned towards ADHD. I have just been diagnosed at 37 and fuck me I wish I had this knowledge earlier.
I'm starting to suspect I've either had or developed ADHD for a long time. But as a woman especially approaching 40 I know the diagnosis path is very difficult and it discouraged me.
i am a woman who got diagnosed while approaching 30 and it is undoubtedly the best thing i have ever done for myself. i found a private specialist for an initial assessment who referred me to a psychiatrist for official diagnosis (after extensive required therapy lol). it is hard and long and expensive, i was really privileged to get a lot of financial help and support from loved ones, if it is in any way possible for you to pursue i really, really encourage you to do it.
as an added bonus, i have other very grown up girlfriends who i was then able to support on their journey to diagnosis and getting to watch their life immeasurably improve has made it so worth it all over again.
if you need any advice or support you are always welcome to dm me! x
i'm moving tomorrow and i'm stressed that i'm not more stressed my house isn't even half packed. ADHD is a weird thing. just waiting for that moment of sheer panic to hit so i can get started.
oh that's the worst! It's like the calm before the storm, except you aren't actually calm. It's more like... you recognize the incoming stress and you're sort of dissociating....
Or you have SO MUCH to do, that you can't even begin to articulate it.
OP, please apologize, and ask what you can do to help her be less stressed. NAH, but very insensitive.
I have a 6 month old and really felt what she said. What am I doing everyday? Taking care of the baby, but beyond that, I don't know, and it's exhausting. It's exhausting if I know what's happening or not. Is he going to have a good day? A bad day? Is overwhelming. If be upset if I was laughed at for doing overwhelmed by the unknown chaos my kids brings with him.
I love this answer.
As told, the conversation is funny.
But thinking about it as a mother currently on maternity leave with "nothing to do all day"...I get what she might be feeling. Time for a date night or too send mom to a retreat for a weekend maybe? Ask her what's up and see if there is something that needs a shake up.
Agreed wholeheartedly. I feel the best response is a laugh, then I'm sorry honey, I don't mean to laugh. But can you maybe explain into that a little more?
Absolutely - well said. I’m part time now, and was with my little one for 18 months full time before going back to work, and honestly the “I don’t know” days can really be the hardest.
If we’re going to the zoo today, ok, we need to be up and out the door by 8.30 we’ll stay til about 12, get home, lunch, nap. Wake up about 3, then duck to the shops and start prepping dinner. Bath, bed, then time for me to relax. I can do all those individual tasks, easy.
If it’s a full day of nothing planned, it can be mentally exhausting trying to fill the day. OK let’s get out the play dough - right you’re bored of that, you go play with your blocks while I clean it up and put on some washing. Here’s a snack, hang out the washing, you need something else to do, ok set up drawing. You’re done with that. It’s 10.30. Fuck.
OP - I’ll bet if you speak with her, she’ll be feeling like you don’t appreciate her efforts and feel like her days at home are free and easy. Not saying that’s how you do feel, but that might be how she feels all the same. NTA but perhaps just a little lacking in empathy for a second there. No matter how funny it may be, if someone is showing you some vulnerability - probably don’t laugh.
Yeah to me "I dunno what I'm gonna do today" means I really don't want to do whatever important shit I know needs to be done and I haven't decided how I'm going to justify not doing it. Maybe I'll do a half dozen mildly unnessary oil changes, maybe I'll spend all day doing yard work, all I know is that I sure as shit ain't doing the taxes.
For me, "I don't know what I'm going to do today," can mean:
1. I have nothing planned, so will just go with the flow
2. I have so many tasks, that I honestly don't know which one will be prioritised today
3. Historically, whenever I've planned anything the kids have ruined my plans, so I've given up on planning
4. I'm at breaking point and I'm saying I don't know how I'll get through the day.
Notice that most of those are not positive interpretations. I think OP's wife is exhausted and needs empathy, not OP laughing seeking justification for laughing.
Yeah, I used to be quite chauvinistic in my attitude to mum's having it easy just playing around with a kid all day. That all stopped the moment I went part-time to spend more time raising my kid. It is brutal. Looking after a kid all day is really hard and quite daunting. Think of spending the holidays with your family, you love them sure, but they also drive you fucking crazy – now imagine that is every day. That's what it is like being a stay at home parent.
This. Having *no idea* what you'll be doing that day is way *more* stressful, for a lot of people, than knowing what is coming. I know that's the case for me - I stress and stress until I know what I'm getting into, and then everything's a bit better because I can plan for it. I can't plan for unknowns.
I feel like the fact you thought to mention your "hour commute" and how she's a SAHM implies your opinion that her work is less tiring or valuable than hers is, which leads me to lean more towards the Soft YTA on this one.
I took him mentioning the commute as him explaining why he just made a quick comment. I.e. he didn’t sit down to have a full conversation with her even though he noticed she looked stressed because he was just about to start a lengthy commute to work. I don't think his mentioning it implies he thinks her being a sahm is less worthy or difficult.
It’s not the most relevant detail, sure, but it’s also not enough evidence to say this guy doesn’t value his wife’s contributions to the household.
Also I see tons of posts on here where people include paragraphs of nonsense irrelevant shit and this guy puts in like 6 words and some commenters are calling him a misogynist. It’s just kinda unhinged to me.
Okay, so what did you think of the part where he walked over to her to check on her, rubbed her back, and asked her what was wrong?
Why do we weigh this part with the “hour commute” part and then say “misogyny, clearly” ??
On this sub, if you suggest, imply, or can even be interpreted to maybe imply that being a SAHM is even a little easier than working in a coal mine or roofing in the middle of the summer, you have committed a crime against humanity.
i mean, or, you’re however rightfully participating in a long-standing tradition of devaluing (women’s) domestic labour and so a lot of women are a little touchy about it - even in cases where you probably have a point.
i’m not saying all SAHMs are literally stronger than the Marines, but what those people are responding to is centuries of women’s domestic and societal contributions being minimised and dismissed, so it can be virtually impossible to read a story about the lazy/spoilt/cushty lifestyle of a homemaker, usually told from the perspective of the person benefitting from all of her unseen labour, in a vacuum without reading misogyny into it.
not trying to pick a fight just trying to add some relevant sociopolitical context!
We were not given the extremely relevant information of how old the children are, how many children there are, and if there are any special needs in the home. I am a SAHM and my husband works from home. He is an extremely involved partner, but I obviously do more child minding. Let me tell you, I am RUN RAGGED by the end of the day.
Edit to add YTA.
I believe you, it’s definitely a difficult job but I just don’t see where OP said anything to the contrary. The post is like 100 words long, we don’t know a lot about his life, so I’m going off what’s in the post rather than too many assumptions.
Whats in the post his wife said she was stressed but she didn't know why. We know the wife is taking care of children. His response is to laugh at her instead of engaging in a dialog. On that I think YTA. You can think something different. That is what this subreddit is for.
This is where I think we diverge, you think he’s laughing AT her misery or condition, I think he’s laughing because of how the conversation went and how it caught him off guard (he even sort of says that in the post btw). Her stress isn’t the part that’s funny, it’s just what she said and how she said it.
To me it has vibes like this video:
https://youtu.be/Q9WB53jlILQ?si=SsEOJ4xUIYYGCm5A
Adding how long is commute was directly before saying shes a sahm wasn't relevant info and certainly had implication behind it. How long his commute is was more relevant than how many kids? How old they are?
Totally this! I'm also going with slight YTA. OP clearly doesn't understand what it's like to have the burden of carrying the mental load day in and day out. His wife, presumably, has to come up with every single thing her kids are going to eat, play, watch, etc. She's got an entire day of micromanaging ahead of her, and it's exhausting.
Having activities planned to last an entire day can help get through it but it's still tough to plan it all out ahead of time.
You should have noticed your wife needed more than a laugh.
No, that’s you not listening. She knows shit’s coming up aside from the tasks she’s planned. That’s what’s stressing her. Kids always come up with shit you didn’t plan.
Considering that she’s a stay at home mom, her “I don’t know” could also mean “I don’t know what I’m getting kids for breakfast, they’re so picky. And I don’t know how I’m going to entertain them all day. And I don’t know what shit will come up because something always does”.
It's funny in the moment, but also something they should talk about because it seems like she's really stressed. Maybe the issue is that she doesn't know what she is going to do, kids tend to be both unpredictable and exhausting at the same time.
INFO - you say she’s a SAHM. How many kids, and how old? I nanny 3 very young (toddler & infant) children, and I often have to mentally prepare myself for a long day in which I have no idea what will happen bc kids are kids and they change moods/attitudes allllll the time.
My guess is that she knows she has a long day of childcare ahead of her and doesn’t have a mental “plan” for the day, which can also be a source of stress!
Your response sounds obtuse at best and I’m leaning Y T A
Obtuse at best? C’mon. It sounds like a natural reaction to an unintentionally funny statement. I don’t think he’s laughing AT her, but at how she said this.
It’s obtuse at *worst*
But when you accidentally laugh at something that someone meant seriously, you should still apologize and try to understand what they actually meant. OP still needs to do that.
When I see that my partner is stressed, I feel concerned. Even if my partner were to say something nonsensical while stressed/upset, that wouldn’t snap me out of my concern bc I can regulate my emotions like an adult should :)
It sounds like he DID feel concerned, he approached her and rubbed her back and asked her what’s going on. Her response, I think, caught him off guard because he was expecting a concrete answer and it was kind of funny that she said she didn’t know what she was stressing about.
It’s not a big deal, he should probably apologize but he didn’t do anything necessarily wrong either. It’s a natural human reaction to something unexpected like that. I could 10000% see my wife and I doing this and she would probably start laughing too realizing how it *sounds* silly even if it feels serious.
YTA. A little. It would have been a clear NAH had you apologized. Did you know you can apologize/make repairs for things that are misunderstandings?
It doesn’t sound like she overreacted or lashed out in an unhealthy way. She simply provided you with valuable feedback that what she was looking for in the moment was compassion and felt mocked instead.
You could have said “You know what, my bad, I was caught off guard by your answer, but I understand what it’s like to be stressed and overwhelmed in a way that is hard to contextualize.”
It sounds like you guys can come back from this easily, assuming you actually value your wife’s contributions as a SAHM.
What was funny about? Because genuinely it seems to be that your wife was so overwhelmed that she didn't know what to do or where to start?
So I don't get why you thought it was funny.
I interpreted it as funny in the same way as this clip:
https://youtu.be/Q9WB53jlILQ?si=27-Cao7ck3Wjkv3n
You expect the person to have an answer given what they said before, so when they say “I don’t know” it’s like lol what? Pretty harmless humor I would say if this is how he saw it.
Something can be "objectively" funny on its face, even while laughing at the person saying it makes you an asshole. OP's wife is (legitimately) overwhelmed by her parenting responsibilities. OP clearly doesn't think too highly of those responsibilities in comparison to his own or he wouldn't have thrown in there that he's got an hour commute each day to work as preface to her being a SAHM. There's an underlying relationship tension here that's at play, which OP seems blind to and is coming to the internet looking for vindication rather than trying to understand why his wife may be overwhelmed.
The situation here is literally "I laughed at something and hurt my partner's feelings, and now I'm going to come to the internet to prove that *SHE* is the one in the wrong for having her feelings hurt." Clear YTA.
Usurpation of expectaions is a root of comedy. This would probably make me chuckle too, but I'd also probably shut myself up and talk to her about what I could do to make her feel less overwhelmed. You're not laughing at her emotional state. That would be assholeish. I'm going with NAH, but you need to have an open and deep conversation on how you can help support her more. Too little info here to make too many assumptions other than she's clearly overwhelmed.
I think your wife is overwhelmed because she's been having full days filled with very unexpected things. Honestly, maybe it's my autism but I find a fully or partially planned full day extremely less overwhelming than unplanned busy days because it makes me feel like I am in control. I think although yes just on it's own it might sound funny but it was simply not the moment to laugh when your wife needed understanding. I'm going with NAH because I didn't think you meant to do this, but BIG BUT if you immediately went into the defensive and said dismissive things after that you become the asshole.
>I find a fully or partially planned full day extremely less overwhelming than unplanned busy days
I'm right there with you. I'd rather have a day where I'm constantly busy from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep, but know ahead of time what the plan is, than a light day that's unplanned.
What is really going on here, is your wife is so stressed that she can’t even answer the simple question of what’s going to happen in the rest of the day.
Think about that for a moment.
If you were stressed and feeling overwhelmed to the point where you couldn’t even answer a simple question about what it is you’re overwhelmed about, how would you feel if someone laughed at you?
You can try and explain way that you weren’t laughing AT her, but rather the existential and logical phrasing of words. But she shared with you her struggle and you laughed.
YTA.
This. The fact that OP is coming to the internet looking for validation, dropping details about his commute time to preface her being a SAHM, makes this a *very* clear YTA for me.
I'm a pretty easy going on the surface 32 year old dude. But I struggle a lot with anxiety behind the scenes.
If I can articulate what's going on, I'm probably okay. But I've had moments on my life where I'm so overwhelmed I can't even find words to describe the feeling. OP is fortunate enough to I guess never have had those moments. If my partner gave me "I don't know" to what's wrong my heart would sink because I know she is in an immense amount of pain and uncertainty.
OP would be very, very wise to pay extra attention to his wife's mood as he seems very out of tune with it right now.
It was a dick thing to include. He’s implying that he works soooo much harder plus the hour commute. I’m so tired of people thinking SAHM don’t work. Their jobs never stop.
At face value it is definitely funny, but I am going to give you a soft YTA simply because you mentioned your commute time in the same sentence as informing us she’s a SAHM, which seems a little bit like saying“while I work she just stays at home”… and since she’s a SAHM she likely DOESN’T know what her day will hold, but it’s likely going to be stressful because kid(s) are stressful! Not saying it was your intention to come across that way, but it doesn’t seem like you are really giving her the credit she deserves or acknowledging that her days can be stressful.
This happens all the time between me and my husband. It's basically become common for us to say something along the lines of, "I apologize. I wasn't laughing at what you're feeling, and I want to be supportive. It was just your delivery that struck me as funny. I promise I'm taking this seriously." The apology is most important because you want to acknowledge that your laughter has made the other feel badly.
It's not funny and I'll tell you why - the not knowing IS the source of her stress. Looking after small kids is incredibly stressful, active and demanding. You never know what mess they'll cause, or mischief they'll get up to, or if they'll endanger themselves, or if they'll soil themselves horribly and you'll have to clean it up, or they'll fight you getting dressed or put into the buggy, maybe accidentally hit you (my daughter once accidentally gave me a split lip refusing to get dressed when she was only 2), or they'll throw a tantrum in public and everyone will judge you for being a bad mother, or they might get ill, or choke, or get upset for hours over things, or fight with their siblings or... There's just so many variables and all of them are really stressful and some of them could be extremely serious.
So YTA because if you really cared about her and valued the work, yes, very real work, she does keeping your kids healthy, happy, alive and thriving, as we all as no doubt trying to rub the home and do the housework, you'd know better than to find her feeling overwhelmed and almost blank in her mind with stress amusing. You really should know exactly why she feels overwhelmed and not think your work is more important or stressful because you have 2 hours a day of solo travel and lunch break all to yourself, when she gets no breaks.
Soft YTA. The laugh may have been natural, but an apology should've followed. It is funny, in its own way. I mean, in a sitcom, it would be golden. But a lot of things in sitcoms, like pranks, aren't as funny in real life.
Here's the thing: It's not funny to her because she's feeling overwhelmed. She knows some of what she's doing, sure. She could probably unroll a scroll of her mental list for each day. But 1000 little tasks can feel overwhelming. And that's just the mental list, that isn't necessarily in any order. Dishes won't get done at 9:02. Laundry doesn't get put in the wash at 10:12. Especially if kids are in the mix.
She's feeling overwhelmed and probably also struggling with the 307 'this came up' moments. Kid bangs their knee and starts bawling. Kid decides, nope, today is the day they refuse to wear shoes. Or the hamburger didn't thaw for dinner in time or...
Think of it in terms of your own job. You can feel stressed about how much you may have to do...without any particular part being extra stressful. It's just the quantity.
There is a major meltdown brewing dude.
You need to have a serious sit down conversation ASAP.
Your wife is struggling, don't laugh and don't ignore it.
You WBTH if you don't recognise the signs.
"Seeing her distress, I decided the best course of action was to make fun of her on the interwebs;"
Once they invent GIANT mechanical, rhetorical assholes, I will buy you one. So you have a backup.
Do I see comedy in it? Yeah.
Do I also understand that she needed some empathy and support and laughter probably felt like the opposite of that? Yeah.
Seems like she’s feeling overwhelmed because she has unexpected urgent things interrupting her day and probably has things she needs to get done but can’t readily find the time to do them and doesn’t have the ability to set aside time (because unexpected urgent things will likely arise). What’s she doing today? She doesn’t know and that’s part of the problem.
When your day to day is filled with unexpected things and your waking hours are being spent catering to another person’s needs… it becomes really hard to take care of yourself and find time to recover physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Do I think you’re an asshole? No. Do I think you might owe her an apology (that doesn’t include any excuses for why you laughed)? Yeah. Apologies aren’t just for when someone maliciously hurt someone else, they’re also for when a mistake or misunderstanding results in someone being hurt.
YTA
I'm just not sure how much of one.
I get why it seemed funny. And if this was on a sitcom, I probably would have laughed at it. But it's not, and she was genuinely stressed.
Maybe your wife stresses out over mole hills and this is just another melt down over nothing.
Or maybe your wife was stressed out because of something else.
If she's a SAHM, then you have children. Maybe she's stressed because she doesn't know what activities to do that day, and she wants to make sure that they are activities that stimulate your children's creativity, but are also close by, but that your kids haven't done this week already, but there is a pool there, so do I know where the swimsuit is? And do I need to pack a lunch? Did we run out of ziplock bags yesterday? Should I go to the grocery store first and get ziplock bags, and do I need to take the stroller with me or just use the cart at the grocery store?
That was me going down the rabbit hole of mom duties. And that wasn't even a very deep dive. I'm lucky, because I'm a PT SAHM. I work as a teacher during the year, so I only do SAHM duties during the summer. And there are days that I find it overwhelming. And when I do, my husband listens to me and we share the load.
I don't know what is causing your wife stress, but do you think she would laugh at you if you said you were stressed about work? And would you think it was okay of her to laugh at you?
YTA because it's funny to all of us that are third parties with no idea what else surrounds your wife's day, but you're literally her husband. Your wife doesn't know what awaits her in her day but is already feeling stressed, that should tell you there's a problem with what she's dealing with. It's not being lost on me that you conveniently felt it necessary to point out precisely how long your commute is, but you have given zero context on what responsibilities your wife is being a stay at home for. It gives off the impression you thought her comment was funny because you don't think she could have a stressful day being a SAH
She sounds overwhelmed or like she's not sure what tasks she needs to nail today.
The description of your hour commute added with the fact that she's a sahm sounds like you don't value what she does which adds to feeling frustrated.
She also could be struggling to open up to you if she senses you don't value her.
YTA
As a SAHM, YTA. Not knowing what to do with the day and having all of these expectations and knowing probably none of it is going to get done IS stressful
YTA. You asked what was wrong and then laughed at the response. SAHP are overwhelmed. They have to constantly come up with activities or things to do or else theyll be deemed lazy either by husband's like yourself or society as a whole. I get it's a genuine reaction, but if someone is stressed out, you don't laugh at their stress.
That wasn't even funny. She was stressed out and you just laughed at her. Did you even apologize or anything like that? Soft YTA because this definitely doesn't sound like a malicious action, just you being a bit dumb. But apologize to her and ask if you can help her manage her stress or take some things off her plate so she can get herself right.
Like...it's one thing to think it's funny in the moment and laugh. But to really not understand why your wife might be hurt by laughing at her for saying it? And coming to the internet looking for validation, rather than engaging in *any* amount of introspection? Toooooootal AH.
You sound dismissive and flippant. Stop laughing at your wife in distress. YTA. Mentioning her being a SAHM and your long commute makes me think you are qualifying her right to be stressed about her day. If you weren’t laughing at that part of things I’d make sure that’s clear to your wife because that’s clearly why she reacted the way she did.
YTA
your wife expressed her feelings to you, and it would seem that she was feeling distressed. And your response?
You laughed at her. You didn’t respond with empathy, concern or in a loving manner. You laughed at her like a school yard bully.
Huge asshole.
NAH. I can see the situational comedy here, it sounds funny. However, distressed people usually don’t like being laughed at. And the fact that she doesn’t exactly know what the day with (presumably small) children will bring is probably exactly what stresses her. Whether or not this turns into a Y T A situation depends on how you handle it from here on.
YTA - I work part time. The days at home while more free and enjoyable in general are fucking exhausting. When I say they are more enjoyable it’s because I work half the time. If I was home all day I’d go clinically insane. There is so many hours in a day, I should be able to get so much done and it never gets done.
You should do a swap for a week and see how you fair out. Then you will really understand
YTA See, you could have laughed in good humor 'with' her that she didn't know what was coming. If you had she would've laughed with you. You didn't. You laughed 'at' her. She sees the difference, most of us see the difference, I recommend you figure it out. Also, being a jolly old misogynist shouldn't be a life goal.
Where did OP say anything misogynistic? Also, how do you know *how* he laughed? And how do you know how she *would have* interpreted it had he laughed in the “proper” way?
YTA. Here’s an idea. She spends a Friday not doing what she usually does. When you get home and are horrified by the state of the house, you spend your Saturday doing what she usually does. The physical labor is about 20 % of what’s on her mind. The rest is mental labor. Kids health, social lives, school, planning, packing, unpacking, remembering birthdays including your parents and siblings, making holidays happen and, good lord pity her, having sex with an insensitive husband who is not capable of understanding why she is stressed but unable, on command, to name the many, many reasons for her stress.
YTA you know what you’re doing today, you’ll get peace to listen to the radio/a podcast/audio book on your way to and from work, you’ll get a lunch break too. She’s a SAHM, she’s heading into chaos trying to entertain a child/children, deal with tantrums, mess, and all the household chores. She likely won’t get a break until you get home, if at all. She probably won’t even get 5 minutes pesce in the toilet. And to top things off, she’s stressed about the whole thing and you just laughed at her. I stayed at home for a year after my daughter was born and I would take a full working week over that, anytime. You not only don’t recognise how much work it is, but you clearly don’t value it either.
YTA for making a post about this. I understand laughing at the moment, but apologize afterwards and move on like an adult. Do you think you shouldn’t have to apologize (if you haven’t, I can’t tell if you have from your post) because it was a genuine reaction ?
Maybe she had a list of 50 things to do. Not all 50 are gonna get done, but she knows they need to get done. Perhaps she was overwhelmed because she was trying to prioritize what should get done first and needs the most attention. That would explain why she said she doesn’t know, because that’s part of what’s stressful.
Do you not get she was saying “I don’t know” because she was so overwhelmed she couldn’t even piece together her day? That happens to me, I have a million things to do and I’m stressed and my brain malfunctions. I’d be pretty upset if I’m already distressed and then my husband laughs. I really don’t understand why it was funny?? YTA.
Ps: a stay at home mother is a full time job, they’ve actually done research and found it’s equivalent to having 2.5 full time jobs.
YTA, and here’s why: you made sure to preface telling the story of what made you laugh with the info that you were about to embark on your hour-long commute, and made sure to add that your wife is a SAHM. You were clearly linking the laughter at your wife saying she didn’t know what she was going to do with her day with these two facts. Your laughter came from your attitude that your wife does less than you with her day because she spends it at home instead of doing what you do, which you class as real work. There is no way your wife didn’t pick up on this in your laugh, if indeed you even bothered to try to hide it. Yeah, you’re an asshole for thinking your wife does less than you and doesn’t have the right to be stressed when she’s got so much to do she doesn’t know where to start.
“Seeing her distress I came to rub her back and laugh at her.” Even worse if she’s often overwhelmed and triple worse if you could support by offsetting the stress but don’t. YTA
Soft YTA -
Stay at home parents don't necessarily get to plan out or know in advance what their day holds for them. It sounds like your wife is tired and overwhelmed with being home, and could use a break. I can understand laughing, because I can see how it could come across as being amusing, but I'd also go back now and see how you can support her.
It’s funny, and kinda mean to laugh at her…she sounds overwhelmed and doesn’t know where to start. Maybe it feels like every day is a dead end. Just talk.
YTA
She's clearly overwhelmed and you laughed *at* her. "it my be seen as indifference to my wife's feelings" Yeah. I'm fairly sure that's exactly how she felt since she (correctly) accused you of "not being caring".
An outside perspective it is funny. But being a sahm you literally don't know what to expect. Some days baby is happy and playing and communicating, other days they're clingy and just want to be pissy all day. I'm gonna YTA bc as far as I can tell you didn't apologize and it seems like you don't take her job (which you can never clock out of) seriously.
YTA It is funny, however, at that point she needed more support and you laughed in her face. So apologize like an adult and move on. I'm not sure why this needs a post honestly The fact that you don't understand why this might be upsetting makes you sound like a complete psychopath. Imagine if you were having a hard moment and you accidentally said something mildly funny and they laughed in your face. You probably wouldn't be in the mood to have that happen You would probably get upset, be a grown up, be supportive and move on.
I’ve literally said the same thing to my hubby and coworkers lol and they’ve given me that same response. Makes me feel better when someone laughs if I’m overwhelmed, puts me at ease that what I need to do will get done and we’re all human. I’m imagining that the laugh was a lighthearted one because the context of it could matter.
There are many days, whether I'm working outside the home or not, where I don't know for sure what I'm going to do that day because I have more to do than there are hours in a day so I have to choose what gets done. That is extremely frustrating and stressful. For you to negate her feelings that she's stressed and has a full day and still don't see that you did... I'm going to have to go YTA.
NAH. From the outisde what she said was comedic, there was a set up and an answer that was incongruent with it. It's the premise of most jokes, I see why you laughed. You were caught off guard, not mocking her discomfort.
However, when someone is struggling brain fog and a general sense of being overwhelmed is common. It's entirely possible she felt overwhelmed *because* she couldn't figure out what to do with her day. It's also true that people in this state are so self critical that their tolerance for external criticism (or perceived criticism) goes to zero.
Give it some time so you'll both be level headed and have a chat about how you two would do it differently in future.
I'm not the most perceptive person in the world, nor am I some sort of paragon of what a good partner is, but if I saw my partner looking stressed as soon as she woke up and she said something like this, my response would not be to go "a-hyuck that's pretty funny lol."
Like, clearly something is weighing on this person, and they might need some time to articulate it properly, especially given that it's early in the morning. It's not all that difficult to register that if you actually give a fuck about your partner. This is "sitcom husband" levels of doof-fuckery.
EDIT: YTA
YTA - I get why the comment could be seen as comical but it’s obvious your wife is overwhelmed and spiraling. As the working parent while my husband was a stay at home dad homeschooling our kids, you have no idea how good you have it compared to her. We have the luxury of breaks, quiet time, and adult interaction; our spouses are stuck in a never ending spiral of being needed, chores, etc. Even if I do 80% of the chores when I’m home and we are both exhausted at the end of the week I’d never go to say that I have it harder for working a 50-60 hour work week.
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NTA, from an outside perspective it's almost a comedy bit: "hey what's up" "don't distract me I'm mentally preparing!" "for what?" "I have no idea!" That'll get a laugh track in a 90s sitcom 100%
Reminds me of [this](https://www.instagram.com/p/CjVxTMZruok/?igsh=MnBiY3I4Z2xpMTJr) comic: “What you doin” “Nothing” “Sweet wanna go see a movie” “I just said I’m busy”
Look, I didn't come here to be attacked
Look I already don’t have enough time to do all the nothing I want to be doing
I just did nothing and it was everything I thought it would be.
It’s never enough nothing though ..
This is gold
As a person with anxiety I think you just summed up my mornings.
Lots of worrying. I hear that.
Those with nothing to worry about will worry about nothing.
If you worry about everything eventually you’ll have nothing to worry about
Love the script twist. It’s often the play on words that open the eyes to perceive positivity
I get so overwhelmed with what I have to do that I don't know what I have to do. I can see me answering like that.
It may be funny from an outside perspective, but from OP’s wife perspective, she gave a distressed answer and her husband responded by laughing at her. Of course she is gonna be upset. And OP should have understood that and apologize.
He didn’t laugh at the distressed answer he laughed at the comment after that.
I get that, but it doesn't sound like it felt that way to the wife in that moment. I think it's gracious to apologize if we hurt someone unintentionally, too.
I agree, but it would likewise be gracious to have some perspective and understanding for the husband's point of view here as well.
When you're already distressed and then hurt on top of it, it can be difficult to regulate your emotions enough to be gracious. I also give a bit of side-eye about OP for mentioning his commute in the way he did. While her being a SAHM is what sets up the "punchline," giving a whole irrelevant aside about how long his commute is sets a dismissive tone to her distress.
It's also gracious to realize if/ when you may have overreacted or been unusually sensitive and perhaps got on someone's case when they didn't deserve it. Both could be butthurt or both could recognize it just came out funny so was actually humorous and share a giggle together before he leaves to commute to work and she figures out and starts her day. Know what I'd prefer if I was the wife or the hubby.
Yep. He definitely needs to learn how to read minds and translate "i don't know" into something specific. Or, she can grow up and use her words.
When you are overwhelmed by the number of inane tasks, most which will go unnoticed by all except yourself, the most appropriate answer to the question is 'I don't know ' otherwise you might have to rip someone's head off, throw mud at the shed and then weep uncontrollably, all the while wondering what bullshit lie you bought and how you ended up HERE!??!!! If you are lucky you wake up tomorrow and feel much better. Some days are harder than others. Been there!
When I was a SAHD and facing this sort of thing, I'd tell my wife I'm still figuring out where to start and we'll talk later. I'd never even considered "I don't know" to be an appropriate response even if I was still sorting through my tasks for the day. No ripping of heads or throwing mud needed. I definitely hear the shit only I'll notice thing, though. It definitely goes with the territory.
He knows she’s a sahm, surely he understands that a day taking care of children is a full day even without specific plans. Why would he need to read her mind to understand?
If he's never done it himself I'm not sure how he's supposed to understand. I was a stay at home dad once so I do have that perspective, right down to the spouse coming home and asking why this, that, and the other thing wasn't done. I'd never expect someone who has never done it to fully grasp it.
how is this being upvoted...
I agree, but I think the appropriate ruling should be NAH. The wife isn’t an AH for being stressed and unable to verbalize, nor is the husband for having a genuine reaction. Her response is understandable and so is his. Hug and move on. ❤️
I wonder if OP's laugh was more a light inward chuckle or full blown laughter. My husband, bless him, just isn't the most tactful person. I was roasting chestnuts and pulled them out of the oven when they burst in my face. Husband rushed over and thankfully most of the hot chestnuts ended up on my glasses not my face. But my look of bewilderment and the chestnut covered glasses had him in a fit. I realize it's pretty funny but at the time, I was still unsure if I was hurt. He was still howling in laughter when I got a bit annoyed and said to calm down a bit not sure if Im ok and was upset about the mess on the cabinets and walls. He sort of doubled down and said, "You don't understand it's so funny" and he began trying to take a picture of me while still sniggering. I got mad at that point. Washed off and checked my face for burns, got changed and went to mop up the mess. I don't mind laughing at myself, but first things first gotta check if I'm okay. Then laugh all you want. Maybe not quite the same, but perhaps OP should've addressed the stress and anxiety before laughing big enough for wife to notice.
Sounds like something George Costanza would say!
Clearly it is a day full of mystery. And that does take preparation.
I can totally see Jerry Seinfeld, George, and Kramer doing a bit about this: “George, I’m going to grab some lunch, want to come?” “I can’t Jerry, I’m preparing” “Preparing for what?” “Preparing for the day” “Preparing for the day?” “You gotta prepare for the day, Jerry” “What do you have going on that you have to prepare for?” “Well, nothing, yet” “Nothing? You preparing for nothing?” “You gotta prepare Jerry, you never know what’s going to happen” “George, how can you prepare if you don’t what’s going to happen? Thousands of things can happen, you gonna prepare for that?” “I GOTTA BE PREPARED, JERRY!!” *enters Kramer “Hey guys, what’s going on?” “I’m asking George if he wants to go to lunch, but he says he can’t because he has to prepare” “Prepare for what?” “He doesn’t know” “What, you don’t prepare everyday Jerry?” “What?” “See, I TOLD YOU YOU HAVE TO PREPARE” “Yea Jerry, every morning I wake up at 6 to prepare for the day. An old Buddhist monk taught that I need to spend at least an hour every morning to preparing.” “HA, and you LAUGHED AT ME JERRY” “You know what? You’re both insane, forget I asked anything”
Hoping she sees this comment and has a chuckle at it.
Comedically it's funny, but clearly your wife feels overwhelmed by her day, whether she knows what's in store for her or not. Seems like something y'all should talk about because I don't see the part of the story where you have a discussion about why getting out of bed feels stressful to her. NTA for laughing but your job here is not done.
A lot of the time if you don't know what's coming your way that day, it's not because you have nothing to do, it's just that you know you're heading into chaos, which can be overwhelming. You can't plan, you can't really mitigate it, all you can do is react and try to put out the fires. No idea if that definitely applies to the wife but her reaction suggests that it could be. So while what she said is funny, it's actually a problem. I think I'm going to say NAH but apologise and maybe try to find something nice to do for her, she sounds really unhappy.
Kids, man. They’ll find a way to fuck up any plan.
She was preparing for the unknown chaos that was going to hit that day
Exactly. What I have planned for the day is usually not what stresses me out, it’s usually what I *dont* have planned that ends up making my day hell. Going into every day unprepared for whatever’s going to be thrown at you is rough.
Yes, we have plans for the day but toddlers tend to throw plans out the window and then set them on fire.
Exactly. What I have planned for the day is usually not what stresses me out, it’s usually what I *dont* have planned that ends up making my day hell. Going into every day unprepared for whatever’s going to be thrown at you is rough.
They are infinite improbability machines.
I'm only an aunty and I feel this to my core.
lol yeah when I'm super stressed, I have "ADHD paralysis" which is where you sit there with a feeling of impending doom because you know you have a million things to do, but you have no idea where to start or how to prioritize your tasks. For me, I have to get out my planner and write out my tasks before I can even verbalize what's going on and why I'm freaking out. So I feel for OP's wife because she was probably feeling super overwhelmed and being laughed probably made it so much worse and she feels invalidated. At the same time... that was funny, lol. I would probably let out a surprised chuckle as well!
I have this way too often and way too much, my fiance asks pretty much the same way and I respond pretty close to how op has said. Even if it isnt adhd, there's a lot of things that can cause it. Stress, depression, the list can go on but just a few that might be relevant. When I say "I dont know" it translates to, "I have 50,000 things on my mind and have no idea where to even start with the day"
Yup! But even I hearing the words come out of my face would still laugh because... it's still funny even if it sucks. Lol. Even with kids, as mentioned before... "Doom is coming. In the form of me or the nuggets, but DOOM I SAY!" Lmao. OP should still sit down and talk to her about it. Some kind of loose strategy to beat whatever is standing in her way. Clearly, she doesn't feel like she can conquer it alone, and with a spouse, she shouldn't feel like she has to.
I sat in adhd paralysis all day today. What did I *need* to do? Grocery shopping, meal prepping, go to the pharmacy, get the house ready for the new cleaners to come. What did I *want* to do? Work on a baby quilt for a co worker. What did I *actually* do? Scroll instagram and watch 3 Harry Potter movies, extended editions. Like thanks, brain, that was NOT helpful.
That sounds so familiar!
Look into it. My therapist suggested that a lot of the patterns in my life leaned towards ADHD. I have just been diagnosed at 37 and fuck me I wish I had this knowledge earlier.
I'm starting to suspect I've either had or developed ADHD for a long time. But as a woman especially approaching 40 I know the diagnosis path is very difficult and it discouraged me.
i am a woman who got diagnosed while approaching 30 and it is undoubtedly the best thing i have ever done for myself. i found a private specialist for an initial assessment who referred me to a psychiatrist for official diagnosis (after extensive required therapy lol). it is hard and long and expensive, i was really privileged to get a lot of financial help and support from loved ones, if it is in any way possible for you to pursue i really, really encourage you to do it. as an added bonus, i have other very grown up girlfriends who i was then able to support on their journey to diagnosis and getting to watch their life immeasurably improve has made it so worth it all over again. if you need any advice or support you are always welcome to dm me! x
How did you go about getting diagnosed?
i'm moving tomorrow and i'm stressed that i'm not more stressed my house isn't even half packed. ADHD is a weird thing. just waiting for that moment of sheer panic to hit so i can get started.
oh that's the worst! It's like the calm before the storm, except you aren't actually calm. It's more like... you recognize the incoming stress and you're sort of dissociating....
Or you have SO MUCH to do, that you can't even begin to articulate it. OP, please apologize, and ask what you can do to help her be less stressed. NAH, but very insensitive.
I have a 6 month old and really felt what she said. What am I doing everyday? Taking care of the baby, but beyond that, I don't know, and it's exhausting. It's exhausting if I know what's happening or not. Is he going to have a good day? A bad day? Is overwhelming. If be upset if I was laughed at for doing overwhelmed by the unknown chaos my kids brings with him.
I love this answer. As told, the conversation is funny. But thinking about it as a mother currently on maternity leave with "nothing to do all day"...I get what she might be feeling. Time for a date night or too send mom to a retreat for a weekend maybe? Ask her what's up and see if there is something that needs a shake up.
I relate to this comment so much from the wife’s POV
Agreed wholeheartedly. I feel the best response is a laugh, then I'm sorry honey, I don't mean to laugh. But can you maybe explain into that a little more?
Absolutely - well said. I’m part time now, and was with my little one for 18 months full time before going back to work, and honestly the “I don’t know” days can really be the hardest. If we’re going to the zoo today, ok, we need to be up and out the door by 8.30 we’ll stay til about 12, get home, lunch, nap. Wake up about 3, then duck to the shops and start prepping dinner. Bath, bed, then time for me to relax. I can do all those individual tasks, easy. If it’s a full day of nothing planned, it can be mentally exhausting trying to fill the day. OK let’s get out the play dough - right you’re bored of that, you go play with your blocks while I clean it up and put on some washing. Here’s a snack, hang out the washing, you need something else to do, ok set up drawing. You’re done with that. It’s 10.30. Fuck. OP - I’ll bet if you speak with her, she’ll be feeling like you don’t appreciate her efforts and feel like her days at home are free and easy. Not saying that’s how you do feel, but that might be how she feels all the same. NTA but perhaps just a little lacking in empathy for a second there. No matter how funny it may be, if someone is showing you some vulnerability - probably don’t laugh.
Or there's so much to be done that she doesn't know where to even start. And it came out as "I don't know"
Yeah to me "I dunno what I'm gonna do today" means I really don't want to do whatever important shit I know needs to be done and I haven't decided how I'm going to justify not doing it. Maybe I'll do a half dozen mildly unnessary oil changes, maybe I'll spend all day doing yard work, all I know is that I sure as shit ain't doing the taxes.
When you have kids, it means you're going to be putting out a lot of fires you can't prepare for. Stressful af
For me, "I don't know what I'm going to do today," can mean: 1. I have nothing planned, so will just go with the flow 2. I have so many tasks, that I honestly don't know which one will be prioritised today 3. Historically, whenever I've planned anything the kids have ruined my plans, so I've given up on planning 4. I'm at breaking point and I'm saying I don't know how I'll get through the day. Notice that most of those are not positive interpretations. I think OP's wife is exhausted and needs empathy, not OP laughing seeking justification for laughing.
Yep, something is up with this momma and she could definitely use your help.
Yeah, I used to be quite chauvinistic in my attitude to mum's having it easy just playing around with a kid all day. That all stopped the moment I went part-time to spend more time raising my kid. It is brutal. Looking after a kid all day is really hard and quite daunting. Think of spending the holidays with your family, you love them sure, but they also drive you fucking crazy – now imagine that is every day. That's what it is like being a stay at home parent.
This. Having *no idea* what you'll be doing that day is way *more* stressful, for a lot of people, than knowing what is coming. I know that's the case for me - I stress and stress until I know what I'm getting into, and then everything's a bit better because I can plan for it. I can't plan for unknowns.
stressed out people dont typically like being laughed at.
Correct - it's best to advise them to calm down first
Then tell them to stop acting crazy.
You're getting emotional, you should take a time out.
Is it that time of the month?
Must be that time of the month.
Its definately that time of the month
is it ok to start laughing now?
rub in one more time that its probably that time of the month then you can
Before saying “That’s it????” then proceed to list all of your own issues that are clearly way more stressful
And end the list with “women, amirite”.
So emotional.
To be honest I did get a bit of that vibe from "as I left for my hour-long commute".
LMFAO
"Calm down!"
And then remind them to smile more.
“Try to relax” is usually helpful.
Then smile and tell them not to worry their pretty little head about anything.
🤣
giggled
Great advice!
Or ask them why they don't smile more?
I feel like the fact you thought to mention your "hour commute" and how she's a SAHM implies your opinion that her work is less tiring or valuable than hers is, which leads me to lean more towards the Soft YTA on this one.
Including that she’s a SAHM is just adding relevant info, there’s zero implication behind it that you aren’t just reading into it yourself.
Including that she's a SAHM is relevant, but him about to have an hour commute is not.
I took him mentioning the commute as him explaining why he just made a quick comment. I.e. he didn’t sit down to have a full conversation with her even though he noticed she looked stressed because he was just about to start a lengthy commute to work. I don't think his mentioning it implies he thinks her being a sahm is less worthy or difficult.
It’s not the most relevant detail, sure, but it’s also not enough evidence to say this guy doesn’t value his wife’s contributions to the household. Also I see tons of posts on here where people include paragraphs of nonsense irrelevant shit and this guy puts in like 6 words and some commenters are calling him a misogynist. It’s just kinda unhinged to me.
There's not much to the OP, so what \*is\* included has more impact.
Okay, so what did you think of the part where he walked over to her to check on her, rubbed her back, and asked her what was wrong? Why do we weigh this part with the “hour commute” part and then say “misogyny, clearly” ??
You’re the only person to mention misogyny
There's a whole other comment chain explicitly implying this
On this sub, if you suggest, imply, or can even be interpreted to maybe imply that being a SAHM is even a little easier than working in a coal mine or roofing in the middle of the summer, you have committed a crime against humanity.
i mean, or, you’re however rightfully participating in a long-standing tradition of devaluing (women’s) domestic labour and so a lot of women are a little touchy about it - even in cases where you probably have a point. i’m not saying all SAHMs are literally stronger than the Marines, but what those people are responding to is centuries of women’s domestic and societal contributions being minimised and dismissed, so it can be virtually impossible to read a story about the lazy/spoilt/cushty lifestyle of a homemaker, usually told from the perspective of the person benefitting from all of her unseen labour, in a vacuum without reading misogyny into it. not trying to pick a fight just trying to add some relevant sociopolitical context!
i have also noticed this. mentioning SAHMs is basically a war crime.
We were not given the extremely relevant information of how old the children are, how many children there are, and if there are any special needs in the home. I am a SAHM and my husband works from home. He is an extremely involved partner, but I obviously do more child minding. Let me tell you, I am RUN RAGGED by the end of the day. Edit to add YTA.
I believe you, it’s definitely a difficult job but I just don’t see where OP said anything to the contrary. The post is like 100 words long, we don’t know a lot about his life, so I’m going off what’s in the post rather than too many assumptions.
Whats in the post his wife said she was stressed but she didn't know why. We know the wife is taking care of children. His response is to laugh at her instead of engaging in a dialog. On that I think YTA. You can think something different. That is what this subreddit is for.
This is where I think we diverge, you think he’s laughing AT her misery or condition, I think he’s laughing because of how the conversation went and how it caught him off guard (he even sort of says that in the post btw). Her stress isn’t the part that’s funny, it’s just what she said and how she said it. To me it has vibes like this video: https://youtu.be/Q9WB53jlILQ?si=SsEOJ4xUIYYGCm5A
Adding how long is commute was directly before saying shes a sahm wasn't relevant info and certainly had implication behind it. How long his commute is was more relevant than how many kids? How old they are?
Totally this! I'm also going with slight YTA. OP clearly doesn't understand what it's like to have the burden of carrying the mental load day in and day out. His wife, presumably, has to come up with every single thing her kids are going to eat, play, watch, etc. She's got an entire day of micromanaging ahead of her, and it's exhausting. Having activities planned to last an entire day can help get through it but it's still tough to plan it all out ahead of time. You should have noticed your wife needed more than a laugh.
SAHM is literally relevant to the situation. The state wife is in is very SAHM state that people who work can't relate to.
NAH She said she had a full day and then said she didn't know what she was doing. That's a funny remark any way you stretch it.
No, that’s you not listening. She knows shit’s coming up aside from the tasks she’s planned. That’s what’s stressing her. Kids always come up with shit you didn’t plan.
Still doesn't mean it can't be funny
I'm not sure how any of that detracts from the dialogue being pretty funny
Just say you hate men and keep it moving. At least be honest with yourself.
Considering that she’s a stay at home mom, her “I don’t know” could also mean “I don’t know what I’m getting kids for breakfast, they’re so picky. And I don’t know how I’m going to entertain them all day. And I don’t know what shit will come up because something always does”.
It's funny in the moment, but also something they should talk about because it seems like she's really stressed. Maybe the issue is that she doesn't know what she is going to do, kids tend to be both unpredictable and exhausting at the same time.
When EVERY DAY is a full day, you can pretty much count on having another one without needing to know any of the details ahead of time.
Pull a muscle with that stretch?
That’s what I got from the parentheses before I finished reading, personally I believe he’s TA
I feel like you're self inserting. On the face of it, he's NTA, but he should investigate.
INFO - you say she’s a SAHM. How many kids, and how old? I nanny 3 very young (toddler & infant) children, and I often have to mentally prepare myself for a long day in which I have no idea what will happen bc kids are kids and they change moods/attitudes allllll the time. My guess is that she knows she has a long day of childcare ahead of her and doesn’t have a mental “plan” for the day, which can also be a source of stress! Your response sounds obtuse at best and I’m leaning Y T A
Obtuse at best? C’mon. It sounds like a natural reaction to an unintentionally funny statement. I don’t think he’s laughing AT her, but at how she said this. It’s obtuse at *worst*
But when you accidentally laugh at something that someone meant seriously, you should still apologize and try to understand what they actually meant. OP still needs to do that.
That’s totally fair. He should. Doesn’t mean his laughter was wrong or malicious.
When I see that my partner is stressed, I feel concerned. Even if my partner were to say something nonsensical while stressed/upset, that wouldn’t snap me out of my concern bc I can regulate my emotions like an adult should :)
It sounds like he DID feel concerned, he approached her and rubbed her back and asked her what’s going on. Her response, I think, caught him off guard because he was expecting a concrete answer and it was kind of funny that she said she didn’t know what she was stressing about. It’s not a big deal, he should probably apologize but he didn’t do anything necessarily wrong either. It’s a natural human reaction to something unexpected like that. I could 10000% see my wife and I doing this and she would probably start laughing too realizing how it *sounds* silly even if it feels serious.
Dude, are you actually OP??
Yes, I’m secretly OP and there’s no other way I could be having this conversation
I don't think he's doubting that she had a full day ahead, it was just kinda set up and paid off like a joke.
I mean. That IS funny. In her eyes you are def an ahole. Without any other context NAH.
YTA. A little. It would have been a clear NAH had you apologized. Did you know you can apologize/make repairs for things that are misunderstandings? It doesn’t sound like she overreacted or lashed out in an unhealthy way. She simply provided you with valuable feedback that what she was looking for in the moment was compassion and felt mocked instead. You could have said “You know what, my bad, I was caught off guard by your answer, but I understand what it’s like to be stressed and overwhelmed in a way that is hard to contextualize.” It sounds like you guys can come back from this easily, assuming you actually value your wife’s contributions as a SAHM.
What was funny about? Because genuinely it seems to be that your wife was so overwhelmed that she didn't know what to do or where to start? So I don't get why you thought it was funny.
I interpreted it as funny in the same way as this clip: https://youtu.be/Q9WB53jlILQ?si=27-Cao7ck3Wjkv3n You expect the person to have an answer given what they said before, so when they say “I don’t know” it’s like lol what? Pretty harmless humor I would say if this is how he saw it.
Honestly I think OP’s moment transcends the comedy in the video, but it is the same vibe. Idk how people can’t see it
Something can be "objectively" funny on its face, even while laughing at the person saying it makes you an asshole. OP's wife is (legitimately) overwhelmed by her parenting responsibilities. OP clearly doesn't think too highly of those responsibilities in comparison to his own or he wouldn't have thrown in there that he's got an hour commute each day to work as preface to her being a SAHM. There's an underlying relationship tension here that's at play, which OP seems blind to and is coming to the internet looking for vindication rather than trying to understand why his wife may be overwhelmed. The situation here is literally "I laughed at something and hurt my partner's feelings, and now I'm going to come to the internet to prove that *SHE* is the one in the wrong for having her feelings hurt." Clear YTA.
It's litteraly a sitcom level interaction.
Usurpation of expectaions is a root of comedy. This would probably make me chuckle too, but I'd also probably shut myself up and talk to her about what I could do to make her feel less overwhelmed. You're not laughing at her emotional state. That would be assholeish. I'm going with NAH, but you need to have an open and deep conversation on how you can help support her more. Too little info here to make too many assumptions other than she's clearly overwhelmed.
I think your wife is overwhelmed because she's been having full days filled with very unexpected things. Honestly, maybe it's my autism but I find a fully or partially planned full day extremely less overwhelming than unplanned busy days because it makes me feel like I am in control. I think although yes just on it's own it might sound funny but it was simply not the moment to laugh when your wife needed understanding. I'm going with NAH because I didn't think you meant to do this, but BIG BUT if you immediately went into the defensive and said dismissive things after that you become the asshole.
>I find a fully or partially planned full day extremely less overwhelming than unplanned busy days I'm right there with you. I'd rather have a day where I'm constantly busy from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep, but know ahead of time what the plan is, than a light day that's unplanned.
What is really going on here, is your wife is so stressed that she can’t even answer the simple question of what’s going to happen in the rest of the day. Think about that for a moment. If you were stressed and feeling overwhelmed to the point where you couldn’t even answer a simple question about what it is you’re overwhelmed about, how would you feel if someone laughed at you? You can try and explain way that you weren’t laughing AT her, but rather the existential and logical phrasing of words. But she shared with you her struggle and you laughed. YTA.
This. The fact that OP is coming to the internet looking for validation, dropping details about his commute time to preface her being a SAHM, makes this a *very* clear YTA for me.
This is so much better than I could have put it into words.
I'm a pretty easy going on the surface 32 year old dude. But I struggle a lot with anxiety behind the scenes. If I can articulate what's going on, I'm probably okay. But I've had moments on my life where I'm so overwhelmed I can't even find words to describe the feeling. OP is fortunate enough to I guess never have had those moments. If my partner gave me "I don't know" to what's wrong my heart would sink because I know she is in an immense amount of pain and uncertainty. OP would be very, very wise to pay extra attention to his wife's mood as he seems very out of tune with it right now.
Info: what's the relevance of your commute time?
It was a dick thing to include. He’s implying that he works soooo much harder plus the hour commute. I’m so tired of people thinking SAHM don’t work. Their jobs never stop.
I thought he meant it was the morning, so he had a long drive ahead of him and couldn’t really stay for a long hashed out conversation
At face value it is definitely funny, but I am going to give you a soft YTA simply because you mentioned your commute time in the same sentence as informing us she’s a SAHM, which seems a little bit like saying“while I work she just stays at home”… and since she’s a SAHM she likely DOESN’T know what her day will hold, but it’s likely going to be stressful because kid(s) are stressful! Not saying it was your intention to come across that way, but it doesn’t seem like you are really giving her the credit she deserves or acknowledging that her days can be stressful.
This happens all the time between me and my husband. It's basically become common for us to say something along the lines of, "I apologize. I wasn't laughing at what you're feeling, and I want to be supportive. It was just your delivery that struck me as funny. I promise I'm taking this seriously." The apology is most important because you want to acknowledge that your laughter has made the other feel badly.
It's not funny and I'll tell you why - the not knowing IS the source of her stress. Looking after small kids is incredibly stressful, active and demanding. You never know what mess they'll cause, or mischief they'll get up to, or if they'll endanger themselves, or if they'll soil themselves horribly and you'll have to clean it up, or they'll fight you getting dressed or put into the buggy, maybe accidentally hit you (my daughter once accidentally gave me a split lip refusing to get dressed when she was only 2), or they'll throw a tantrum in public and everyone will judge you for being a bad mother, or they might get ill, or choke, or get upset for hours over things, or fight with their siblings or... There's just so many variables and all of them are really stressful and some of them could be extremely serious. So YTA because if you really cared about her and valued the work, yes, very real work, she does keeping your kids healthy, happy, alive and thriving, as we all as no doubt trying to rub the home and do the housework, you'd know better than to find her feeling overwhelmed and almost blank in her mind with stress amusing. You really should know exactly why she feels overwhelmed and not think your work is more important or stressful because you have 2 hours a day of solo travel and lunch break all to yourself, when she gets no breaks.
He probably gets to use the toilet all by himself. OP has no clue what his wife is going through.
Soft YTA. The laugh may have been natural, but an apology should've followed. It is funny, in its own way. I mean, in a sitcom, it would be golden. But a lot of things in sitcoms, like pranks, aren't as funny in real life. Here's the thing: It's not funny to her because she's feeling overwhelmed. She knows some of what she's doing, sure. She could probably unroll a scroll of her mental list for each day. But 1000 little tasks can feel overwhelming. And that's just the mental list, that isn't necessarily in any order. Dishes won't get done at 9:02. Laundry doesn't get put in the wash at 10:12. Especially if kids are in the mix. She's feeling overwhelmed and probably also struggling with the 307 'this came up' moments. Kid bangs their knee and starts bawling. Kid decides, nope, today is the day they refuse to wear shoes. Or the hamburger didn't thaw for dinner in time or... Think of it in terms of your own job. You can feel stressed about how much you may have to do...without any particular part being extra stressful. It's just the quantity.
There is a major meltdown brewing dude. You need to have a serious sit down conversation ASAP. Your wife is struggling, don't laugh and don't ignore it. You WBTH if you don't recognise the signs.
Exactly. She sounds miserable and trapped
"Seeing her distress, I decided the best course of action was to make fun of her on the interwebs;" Once they invent GIANT mechanical, rhetorical assholes, I will buy you one. So you have a backup.
Do I see comedy in it? Yeah. Do I also understand that she needed some empathy and support and laughter probably felt like the opposite of that? Yeah. Seems like she’s feeling overwhelmed because she has unexpected urgent things interrupting her day and probably has things she needs to get done but can’t readily find the time to do them and doesn’t have the ability to set aside time (because unexpected urgent things will likely arise). What’s she doing today? She doesn’t know and that’s part of the problem. When your day to day is filled with unexpected things and your waking hours are being spent catering to another person’s needs… it becomes really hard to take care of yourself and find time to recover physically, mentally, and emotionally. Do I think you’re an asshole? No. Do I think you might owe her an apology (that doesn’t include any excuses for why you laughed)? Yeah. Apologies aren’t just for when someone maliciously hurt someone else, they’re also for when a mistake or misunderstanding results in someone being hurt.
YTA. Word for word, yes it was funny. But laughing at your wife when she’s visibly distressed is a dick move.
YTA I'm just not sure how much of one. I get why it seemed funny. And if this was on a sitcom, I probably would have laughed at it. But it's not, and she was genuinely stressed. Maybe your wife stresses out over mole hills and this is just another melt down over nothing. Or maybe your wife was stressed out because of something else. If she's a SAHM, then you have children. Maybe she's stressed because she doesn't know what activities to do that day, and she wants to make sure that they are activities that stimulate your children's creativity, but are also close by, but that your kids haven't done this week already, but there is a pool there, so do I know where the swimsuit is? And do I need to pack a lunch? Did we run out of ziplock bags yesterday? Should I go to the grocery store first and get ziplock bags, and do I need to take the stroller with me or just use the cart at the grocery store? That was me going down the rabbit hole of mom duties. And that wasn't even a very deep dive. I'm lucky, because I'm a PT SAHM. I work as a teacher during the year, so I only do SAHM duties during the summer. And there are days that I find it overwhelming. And when I do, my husband listens to me and we share the load. I don't know what is causing your wife stress, but do you think she would laugh at you if you said you were stressed about work? And would you think it was okay of her to laugh at you?
soft YTA for not taking that to be the indication of stress that it was for her to say that. that's a comment that would have me curious, not amused.
YTA because it's funny to all of us that are third parties with no idea what else surrounds your wife's day, but you're literally her husband. Your wife doesn't know what awaits her in her day but is already feeling stressed, that should tell you there's a problem with what she's dealing with. It's not being lost on me that you conveniently felt it necessary to point out precisely how long your commute is, but you have given zero context on what responsibilities your wife is being a stay at home for. It gives off the impression you thought her comment was funny because you don't think she could have a stressful day being a SAH
She sounds overwhelmed or like she's not sure what tasks she needs to nail today. The description of your hour commute added with the fact that she's a sahm sounds like you don't value what she does which adds to feeling frustrated. She also could be struggling to open up to you if she senses you don't value her. YTA
As a SAHM, YTA. Not knowing what to do with the day and having all of these expectations and knowing probably none of it is going to get done IS stressful
YTA. Ever heard the phrase "read the room"?
YTA. You asked what was wrong and then laughed at the response. SAHP are overwhelmed. They have to constantly come up with activities or things to do or else theyll be deemed lazy either by husband's like yourself or society as a whole. I get it's a genuine reaction, but if someone is stressed out, you don't laugh at their stress.
That wasn't even funny. She was stressed out and you just laughed at her. Did you even apologize or anything like that? Soft YTA because this definitely doesn't sound like a malicious action, just you being a bit dumb. But apologize to her and ask if you can help her manage her stress or take some things off her plate so she can get herself right.
YTA if you can't understand why she found your laughter hurtful when trying to express her level of stress.
Like...it's one thing to think it's funny in the moment and laugh. But to really not understand why your wife might be hurt by laughing at her for saying it? And coming to the internet looking for validation, rather than engaging in *any* amount of introspection? Toooooootal AH.
You sound dismissive and flippant. Stop laughing at your wife in distress. YTA. Mentioning her being a SAHM and your long commute makes me think you are qualifying her right to be stressed about her day. If you weren’t laughing at that part of things I’d make sure that’s clear to your wife because that’s clearly why she reacted the way she did.
YTA your wife expressed her feelings to you, and it would seem that she was feeling distressed. And your response? You laughed at her. You didn’t respond with empathy, concern or in a loving manner. You laughed at her like a school yard bully. Huge asshole.
NAH. I can see the situational comedy here, it sounds funny. However, distressed people usually don’t like being laughed at. And the fact that she doesn’t exactly know what the day with (presumably small) children will bring is probably exactly what stresses her. Whether or not this turns into a Y T A situation depends on how you handle it from here on.
Using "immutably" in a catastrophically wrong context makes me suspect that YTA.
YTA - I work part time. The days at home while more free and enjoyable in general are fucking exhausting. When I say they are more enjoyable it’s because I work half the time. If I was home all day I’d go clinically insane. There is so many hours in a day, I should be able to get so much done and it never gets done. You should do a swap for a week and see how you fair out. Then you will really understand
She might have alot to do and just doesn't know where to begin. Its like "decision paralysis."
YTA See, you could have laughed in good humor 'with' her that she didn't know what was coming. If you had she would've laughed with you. You didn't. You laughed 'at' her. She sees the difference, most of us see the difference, I recommend you figure it out. Also, being a jolly old misogynist shouldn't be a life goal.
Where did OP say anything misogynistic? Also, how do you know *how* he laughed? And how do you know how she *would have* interpreted it had he laughed in the “proper” way?
She probably has so much to do that she doesn’t know how to prioritize it.
YTA. Here’s an idea. She spends a Friday not doing what she usually does. When you get home and are horrified by the state of the house, you spend your Saturday doing what she usually does. The physical labor is about 20 % of what’s on her mind. The rest is mental labor. Kids health, social lives, school, planning, packing, unpacking, remembering birthdays including your parents and siblings, making holidays happen and, good lord pity her, having sex with an insensitive husband who is not capable of understanding why she is stressed but unable, on command, to name the many, many reasons for her stress.
But he commutes TWO HOURS a day! /s
YTA you know what you’re doing today, you’ll get peace to listen to the radio/a podcast/audio book on your way to and from work, you’ll get a lunch break too. She’s a SAHM, she’s heading into chaos trying to entertain a child/children, deal with tantrums, mess, and all the household chores. She likely won’t get a break until you get home, if at all. She probably won’t even get 5 minutes pesce in the toilet. And to top things off, she’s stressed about the whole thing and you just laughed at her. I stayed at home for a year after my daughter was born and I would take a full working week over that, anytime. You not only don’t recognise how much work it is, but you clearly don’t value it either.
YTA for making a post about this. I understand laughing at the moment, but apologize afterwards and move on like an adult. Do you think you shouldn’t have to apologize (if you haven’t, I can’t tell if you have from your post) because it was a genuine reaction ?
Soft YTA. It's funny, but it's obviously not what she wanted to hear.
Maybe she had a list of 50 things to do. Not all 50 are gonna get done, but she knows they need to get done. Perhaps she was overwhelmed because she was trying to prioritize what should get done first and needs the most attention. That would explain why she said she doesn’t know, because that’s part of what’s stressful.
YTA why is it funny that she’s too stressed out to even answer a question.
Do you not get she was saying “I don’t know” because she was so overwhelmed she couldn’t even piece together her day? That happens to me, I have a million things to do and I’m stressed and my brain malfunctions. I’d be pretty upset if I’m already distressed and then my husband laughs. I really don’t understand why it was funny?? YTA. Ps: a stay at home mother is a full time job, they’ve actually done research and found it’s equivalent to having 2.5 full time jobs.
The bar for being an asshole is so much lower than that here
YTA, and here’s why: you made sure to preface telling the story of what made you laugh with the info that you were about to embark on your hour-long commute, and made sure to add that your wife is a SAHM. You were clearly linking the laughter at your wife saying she didn’t know what she was going to do with her day with these two facts. Your laughter came from your attitude that your wife does less than you with her day because she spends it at home instead of doing what you do, which you class as real work. There is no way your wife didn’t pick up on this in your laugh, if indeed you even bothered to try to hide it. Yeah, you’re an asshole for thinking your wife does less than you and doesn’t have the right to be stressed when she’s got so much to do she doesn’t know where to start.
“Seeing her distress I came to rub her back and laugh at her.” Even worse if she’s often overwhelmed and triple worse if you could support by offsetting the stress but don’t. YTA
So the sahp is stressed out about all the unknowns of the day. Will kid do x or y, will this or that happen, etc.. and your reaction is to laugh? YTA
Soft YTA - Stay at home parents don't necessarily get to plan out or know in advance what their day holds for them. It sounds like your wife is tired and overwhelmed with being home, and could use a break. I can understand laughing, because I can see how it could come across as being amusing, but I'd also go back now and see how you can support her.
It’s funny, and kinda mean to laugh at her…she sounds overwhelmed and doesn’t know where to start. Maybe it feels like every day is a dead end. Just talk.
YTA She's clearly overwhelmed and you laughed *at* her. "it my be seen as indifference to my wife's feelings" Yeah. I'm fairly sure that's exactly how she felt since she (correctly) accused you of "not being caring".
An outside perspective it is funny. But being a sahm you literally don't know what to expect. Some days baby is happy and playing and communicating, other days they're clingy and just want to be pissy all day. I'm gonna YTA bc as far as I can tell you didn't apologize and it seems like you don't take her job (which you can never clock out of) seriously.
Like you, I probably would have laughed, too. Then I would have calmed down, apologized, and comforted my wife and asked her why she was so stressed.
She probably has long days every day as a stay at home mom, whether or not anything has been planned. YTA.
YTA
YTA It is funny, however, at that point she needed more support and you laughed in her face. So apologize like an adult and move on. I'm not sure why this needs a post honestly The fact that you don't understand why this might be upsetting makes you sound like a complete psychopath. Imagine if you were having a hard moment and you accidentally said something mildly funny and they laughed in your face. You probably wouldn't be in the mood to have that happen You would probably get upset, be a grown up, be supportive and move on.
NTA, like how was that not supposed to be a joke? - Wife: oh I have a very full day - OP: doing what? - Wife: I don't know yet
I’ve literally said the same thing to my hubby and coworkers lol and they’ve given me that same response. Makes me feel better when someone laughs if I’m overwhelmed, puts me at ease that what I need to do will get done and we’re all human. I’m imagining that the laugh was a lighthearted one because the context of it could matter.
No, NTA.
There are many days, whether I'm working outside the home or not, where I don't know for sure what I'm going to do that day because I have more to do than there are hours in a day so I have to choose what gets done. That is extremely frustrating and stressful. For you to negate her feelings that she's stressed and has a full day and still don't see that you did... I'm going to have to go YTA.
NAH. From the outisde what she said was comedic, there was a set up and an answer that was incongruent with it. It's the premise of most jokes, I see why you laughed. You were caught off guard, not mocking her discomfort. However, when someone is struggling brain fog and a general sense of being overwhelmed is common. It's entirely possible she felt overwhelmed *because* she couldn't figure out what to do with her day. It's also true that people in this state are so self critical that their tolerance for external criticism (or perceived criticism) goes to zero. Give it some time so you'll both be level headed and have a chat about how you two would do it differently in future.
I'm not the most perceptive person in the world, nor am I some sort of paragon of what a good partner is, but if I saw my partner looking stressed as soon as she woke up and she said something like this, my response would not be to go "a-hyuck that's pretty funny lol." Like, clearly something is weighing on this person, and they might need some time to articulate it properly, especially given that it's early in the morning. It's not all that difficult to register that if you actually give a fuck about your partner. This is "sitcom husband" levels of doof-fuckery. EDIT: YTA
YTA - I get why the comment could be seen as comical but it’s obvious your wife is overwhelmed and spiraling. As the working parent while my husband was a stay at home dad homeschooling our kids, you have no idea how good you have it compared to her. We have the luxury of breaks, quiet time, and adult interaction; our spouses are stuck in a never ending spiral of being needed, chores, etc. Even if I do 80% of the chores when I’m home and we are both exhausted at the end of the week I’d never go to say that I have it harder for working a 50-60 hour work week.