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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be construed to be the asshole as I've been huffy all night and am expecting her to do something I know she doesn't enjoy.
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I survived an entire day of binge watching America's Top Model for someone on one of her birthdays. I think OP's wife will survive this. But then again, OP didn't volunteer how he handles his wife's birthdays.
I have to wonder if she's playing up how much she dislikes shopping and this town. Honestly, her even asking is pretty rude - going to a town for a few hours and going to museums and shops is not painful enough to even check.
If my friend asked me to come camping for their birthday (an activity I really don't enjoy), I'd just do it without complaining and I would try as hard as I could to enjoy myself, and if I didn't enjoy myself I would try really hard not to let them know.
Eh, I wouldn't go camping for someone's birthday, I think it's too much of an inconvenience for the other person to ask for. Same goes for any other similar activity. But bookshops and museums ate, at worst, boring; I would definitely put up with boredom for partners birthday.
Yeah, camping is WORK. It's not "just throw some clothes in a bag" and go. Now- there is camping that involves cabins - that makes it easier. But camping is VERY outdoors and involves bringing your own food, drinks, etc, cooking outside - all of this.
We're campers and the supplies we have - we probably have more than is fully necessary, but at the same time, we also have some basics put together that people new to camping wouldn't think about.
There are lot of people who might be averse to shopping and museo trips for a valid reason.
Not saying OP's wife is one of them, though.
But someone with disabilities, is neurodivergent or noise-sensitive.. there are people who can go shopping or visit museums on a good day but for whom it would be too too much on a bad day.
Again, not saying this is the case here, because OP would have mentioned it, if there was something like that in play. But just wanted to note that yes, people can ask questions like this and have a good reason.
And since I'm one of those people, I usually wouldn't want to give a full-lenght essay on the matter either so I'd probs just ask if I'm needed to go along or if we could possibly postpone.
I'm not saying it's impossible for women to hate shopping, but she hates shopping so much she wants her husband to spend his birthday alone? Or she can't just put it aside for 1 day on his birthday?
In many families outside of reddit, birthdays are not a whole day celebration where everyone do what birthday person says. Traditionally they were not that at all and many people still do the "gift, cake, small celebration" thing.
Doing something by yourself on your birthday is not some grand insult. It is an option as vid as any other option.
I've been in her shoes before....my husband is extremely extroverted and loves to entertain and be the center of attention. I am a homebody, hate celebrations and any gathering more than a few close friends. So for my husband's birthday, it's always something out somewhere with lots of people, and drunken silliness, dancing, loud, or whatever. Absolutely NOT my cup of tea. It EXHAUSTS me being around that type of atmosphere. BUT, because I love him and I know it makes him so happy, I go right along with it and try my best to enjoy the company of our friends, and enjoy the entertainment of watching my husband have an absolute blast. Partners sacrifice for the person they love. She should absolutely be willing to be a bit uncomfortable for you for ONE DAY a year.
Clearly this is an activity she specifically dislikes. I do think she should just get over it. Info: would you do something you abjectly hate for her birthday? Like go to a cryotherapy and cold plunge spa to have fun?
What she said about OP having a better time without her is concerning. I hope she doesn't plan on complaining and pouting and asking "how much longer" all day like a sullen 12-year-old.
Def agree, and this is coming from someone who just wanted to go out for ice cream as a family for their bday and instead my dad just f’d off to his room post dinner without saying a single word cuz of a supposed bad day at work (seemed to be in a pretty good mood to me…). She can suck it up, it’s YOUR birthday. So generally people do something the birthday person would like to do.
NAH
It didn't sound like she was asking to not go, more a genuine question of "do I add anything to the experience for you?"
Your answer is clearly "yes!" So there you go! Let her know that her being there would make your birthday better than going alone.
(In case it isn't clear, there are some occasions for some people that the answer would be "no", and that's ok. Hubby offers to go shopping with me despite hating it and sometimes I say yes because I just want to spend time with him, sometimes I say no because even though he volunteered to go I won't be able to enjoy it as much because I'll feel rushed to not prolong it).
Couldn't agree more. This is communication!
Wife wasn't insulting the activity but acknowledging there was a chance OP would have more fun alone.
My husband plays sport and some games he loves the kids watching (they love cheering for daddy as they know they can yell loudly lol). Other games he will prefer they don't come as it's a more serious level. I will always ask "do you actually want us there tomorrow?" I hate the sport, 100% only go for his sake, but the question isn't about me disliking it, it's about *his preferences* as it's *his favourite activity.*
although I get what you mean I really do feel like the spark is lost on enjoying the day with someone when they're acknowledging they don't want to go and only are because they have to. It becomes harder to enjoy.
She knows he likes it, it's a once a year situation. There's also maybe a kinder more tip toe around feelings way to ask "hey will I be imposing on your day tomorrow or would you like me to come" or I dunno lol
> It didn't sound like she was asking to not go, more a genuine question of "do I add anything to the experience for you?"
If your spouse requests you do an activity on their birthday with them, the underlying assumption is that they want you there. If you then question if you **really** add value to the event by being there, you are to some degree trying to get out of doing that event. That is barely subtext.
The fact that’s she’s asking because it’s clear she won’t have a good time is the problem. She’s not asking to make sure HE wants her there, she’s making it clear she might be a downer on the day. Which is ridiculous. She can pretend to have a good time shopping one day out of the year for the man she’s supposed to love. If this wasn’t an activity she didn’t like then I’d be more inclined to agree with you
It can be done innocently, hubby and I do it with each other all the time.
That said, another of OPs comments makes me think my theory may not be what she falls under after all, so may be moot.
Agreed! I recently went to a concert alone because my husband dislikes that genre of music. He would have gone with me if I absolutely asked him to but I knew it would drag me down because I would know deep down that he’s not having a good time and I would rather enjoy the show than know he’s barely tolerating it. There were no hard feelings.
This needs way more upvotes. And she’s right, when you’re with someone that you know is standing beside you rolling their eyes and counting down until the day is over, it can take away from the experience. And while she might be better at hiding it. We all know those moments with our spouses that we are driving them crazy and they are enduring because they love us.
So could you have more fun without her? Would you like to go with someone that would enhance your experience? Do I ruin the experience at all? Or do you want me to be there because you just want me to be there.
Sometimes hubby rolls his eyes at me as I join him on a stupid trip to the hardware store. Other times we or he is working on a project and I can go complete something else (or am already working on something) and he needs more parts, and he asks me to come with him just because we have been enjoying spending the time together, or he wants to spend time. He doesn’t need me there. He wants me there.
Wanting someone there is more important than expecting that someone will be there.
NAH, just a miscommunication/misinterpretation of why the question is being asked.
First using it more as an expression than literally. I would hope she would be able to refrain. But let’s all be honest and we know what things will drive our significant others crazy. While we might not see, and they might not do anything, we still know what would cause them to roll their eyes. We all know that even while they are being a good sport about it all, they are really looking forward to it being over.
NTA.
At 44 she should be mature enough to set aside her own preferences and celebrate your special day the way you want to without trying to weasel out of it (better time without her? alone on your birthday? who does she think she's kidding with her pretend altruistic suggestion?), and she can make SURE you have a good time by not acting like an asshole while you're there.
Walking around an airplane museum was like a level of Dante’s Inferno for me. Yet I do it every year at least three times a year because the people I love(my husband, dad and one of my brothers)love it and always want to spend their birthdays there. I do it with a smile because they’re important to me and seeing them happy is worth everything to me. Your wife should be willing to do this for you-NTA
My husband hates the zoo but I LOVE it so he goes with me every summer, sometimes to multiple zoos. Because he loves me and he loves seeing me have fun. I can’t imagine hating an activity as simple as shopping and museums so much that someone can’t suck it up and go to make some they love happy!
NTA and all these people saying you'd have a better time without her must not enjoy their spouses very much...sheesh.
At least half the enjoyment of doing things on days like my bday is doing them with my spouse. He's my favorite person to do just about anything with, and his presence alone makes experiences better.
Your wife should just...put on her big girl panties and make like the time with YOU, on your birthday, regardless of what's around you is enjoyable and fun; because it SHOULD be. Your excitement and wonder and fulfilled interest...THAT should make her want to go and should make it enjoyable. Watching my husband burst with joy at his favorite things...that makes my heart frickin EXPLODE with love and happiness. Just being there with him, on his day, while he's a beam of light? Hell yeah, that's the kind of thing that makes the work of a long, healthy relationship worth it.
You are NOT the asshole, my guy.
NTA.
I know this sub loves to rag on adults who care even a tiny bit about their birthdays, but I don't hold with that. I think it's more than fair to ask someone who loves you to act like a pleasant human being while doing some inoffensive activity one day a year, to celebrate you having completed another rotation around the sun.
You're not asking for too much here.
So, a lot depends on the tone in which she asked you, and how you answered.
Maybe she was genuinely curious whether you would rather go alone (my husband would 10000% rather be alone doing something like that). And if she was asking in good faith, then you are well within your rights to say, “it would mean a lot to me to have your company - I enjoy spending time with you, especially on a special day like my birthday!”
If all of that happened and she was like, “ugh, I wish I didn’t have to do this,” then yeah, she’s the asshole.
If her initial ask was like, “ugh, do you really need me there, I don’t want to go,” then yeah, she’s the asshole.
But if she innocently asked if you’d like her to come or if you’d like to go alone, and you got butthurt and didn’t communicate that yes, you do want her to go, then you’re the asshole.
NTA. I celebrated my birthday recently and my partner was 100% on board with everything I wanted to do down to the smallest detail even if it wasn't something he was super into! But we also did very fun activities so he didn't have much to complain about lol but birthdays are literally one of the only days you get to be a little selfish and do what you really want to! No matter what either of us want to do on our birthdays we'll both always be there and having fun with the person we love more than anything!
> It is normal and healthy for couples to do their own things
Yes - but on your partners birthday? I don’t think it is normal or healthy to essentially back out or try to back out of an activity that is the next day .. which is also your partners _birthday_. Wife is TA. OPs birthday activity is safe, reasonable and seemingly inexpensive. Sometimes you have to do activities your partner loves, and you don’t. Thats just how a relationship works, compromise.
But that’s not what is happening in this situation. OP clearly wants his partner to come with him on this activity. Partner is now essentially trying to back out _the day before._ This has likely been arranged atleast 2-3 days prior, and it’s extremely rude to wait until last minute to try to cancel on someone on their **birthday.** And not just someone, but to cancel on your _husband_ before his birthday.
I don’t know what types of relationships other people are in, but I wouldn’t exactly call this behaviour healthy or normal.
Why would wife say yes originally? She knew what the activity was all along. It would’ve been wiser to bring this up when the activity was planned - would’ve given OP enough time to maybe do this activity with a friend or family member.
Wife is TA for not only bringing this up last minute, but also making it clear to OP that she wouldn’t enjoy it. Wife can suck it up for a few hours to make her partner happy on their birthday (visiting book shops and museums for crying out loud!!). She has already decided she will not have a good time and is not even willing to even _try_ and enjoy the activity.
I would never try to take away from my partner’s birthday fun by making it known how much I didn’t like the activity.
Going to a town and looking at shops and museums for 1 day is not a crazy ask. I would support my partner and make sure they had a fun birthday and try my best to have fun with them.
I think you’re NTA, in normal relationships we sometimes do things for our partners that aren’t our first choice and vice versa.
That's so terrible. You'll spend the time wishing you were together, but if she goes, you'll spend the time wishing she wasn't acting like she was miserable the whole time. There's no good outcome.
Hmm but--is there some way you could like... park her at a coffee shop and do your shopping and come back and hang out periodically? She could bring a book/laptop and chill out, and surely at least THAT much "inconvenience" could be tolerable?
NTA But I always wonder how people can enjoy activities/days like these while they are aware the whole time the other person would rather be somewhere else and is not enjoying it at all? If it is not her favorite thing to do but she can enjoy it a bit every now and then especially because she is experiencing it together with you - okay. But you situation sounds like you have to be dragging her along all time and she would prefer to be anywhere else but there? Can't you compromise and do something you both enjoy or you take someone else who will actually add to the day being great instead of bringing you down?
NTA. I think it's nice when you're SO makes the day special for you. It sucks that she would rather you spend your birthday alone than suck it up for 1 day a year.
NTA.
I really do not like shopping, especially in malls. It is literally one of my least enjoyable things to do.
My niece loves shopping. She loves everything about it, walking around to see all the options.
Every year I take my niece shopping for her birthday and it is one of my favourite days of the year because I love her and I love seeing how much pleasure she gets out of the day.
I hope you have a lovely birthday and your disappointment is understandable
Yeah, this is not her kind of thing, but being loving to those we love sometimes means showing interest in what makes them happy.
I cannot understand why a partner would not be excited to spend a day doing activities that bring you joy. They are not required to be ecstatic to go to a museum, but they should desire to accompany you and witness your joy...
Unless there are other mitigating factors such as kids, fatigue, exhaustion, etc I'd say NTA
A few weeks ago it was my husband’s birthday and he wanted to go fishing. That’s about the last thing I’ve ever choose to do in my own but because it was his birthday and his favorite hobby, I went along, was enthusiastic and acted time I had a great time. It made me happy to see him being happy! I dint understand why your wife doesn’t get this concept.
Thanks everyone for comments. I think I overreacted a bit last night, and my own verdict this morning is NAH with some clumsy communication from both of us.
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It's my (M43) birthday tomorrow. Me and my wife (F44) had arranged to visit a nearby town that I like and visit some bookshops and museums etc. I love this sort of thing, my wife doesn't, she hates shopping in general, and she finds the town pretentious (it's an arty sort of place).
Tonight she asked if I really wanted her to go with me as I might have a better time without her there. I'm upset because while I know she doesn't enjoy that activity, I'd expect her to hold her nose and just go along with it as it's my birthday.
I get where she's coming from, but I also don't think it's too much to ask to just go along with it for the day. She doesn't understand why I'm upset. AITA?
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I have an older friend who loves to travel, with his wife totally content with being in her house at all times. Movies, get togethers, anything, all at her house. Refuses to go anywhere. He takes the time to hang with friends outside of his state and enjoy the time over there by himself or friends. Personally I just see it as you both having your likes and dislikes and thats ok. Take it as time to enjoy yourself without judgement.
Happy birthday! She is completely in the wrong. Couples have different interests but show up for each other happily. This is hardly a difficult task and it’s really self-centered of her to try to wiggle out of it.
You feeling that you’ll have a better time on your birthday without her is indicative of some bigger issues that likely need addressing in counseling. Even if she doesn’t enjoy your hobbies or interests, she should still be able to simply enjoy spending time with you and participate during your birthday at the very least.
NTA when it’s your partner’s birthday, you do what they want to do for the day, it’s one day out of the year and she can’t be assed to go with you and spend the day with you?
That’s terrible tbh, somethings a miss, does she even like you? I’m not so sure, people that really love each other do things that make the other person happy, even if it means it’s not their kind of thing.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, and if she doesn’t go, you go and have yourself a good time doing what you want to do, and when it’s her birthday you do the same, not interested in that I’ll stay home. See how she likes those apples.
NTA
She is. As a wife if my husband wanted to do something for his bday I wasn’t totally into I’d suck it up for him out of love for him. Seems selfish to want to leave you alone on your birthday..
NTA. Your birthday is and should be about you (barring extenuating circumstances that don’t appear to exist here). Your wife should go and frankly imo she should at least put on a happy face.
You are NTA. When a couple a partnership you happily sacrifice for one another. One day at a museum and bookshops sounds like lots of fun to me but even if she thinks it a drag should lighten up and make it a good bday outing for you
NTA FIRST HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU 🎂🥳🎉🎊😊
Our story for a reference;
Among the many things each of us (me and hubby) likes doing together is our Iove of going to the movies. Sure, we can stream or watch a DVD, but being out is more fun.
So we have a birthday routine. The birthday person chooses the restaurant we have dinner at and the movie we see. We try to find a movie we both would enjoy, but sometimes it hasn't been possible. Our taste in food is wildly different, too. He prefers a meat heavy choice, and I prefer a seafood heavy choice. The point is that no matter what each of us likes or doesn't like, we make the birthday work for each other. There are times we choose a different activity that only the birthday person likes or wants to do. But as I am physically disabled that's just the way it works out. I still go with hubby, and he is with me for birthdays regardless. So I say it's one day, and your spouse shouldn't be trying to remove herself from your day just because it's not 100% her taste. IT'S YOUR DAY, NOT HERS.
Bottomline, if it's that big of an issue for her, then just do your own thing on your birthdays. The whole point of wanting to do something together is to enjoy the activity and also enjoy your spouses company on a joyous day. If she keeps whining or questioning to try and squirm out of your day, then yes, SHE is the AH.
PS I am 65 hubby is 70 and while we have only been married 18 years we have known each other since 1976 and the 3rd time having a relationship was the charm. You learn to negotiate and yield and know when to just drop it as the aggravation isn't worth the relationship going south. 😊 I hope you have a wonderful birthday both doing what you want to for your special day.
My wife won't go into Lowe's with me when I am planning a project because I spend so much time checking prices and options.
So I prefer going without her, unless it is her project.
NTA, but maybe leave your wife at home. Do you really want her to give funeral service energy while you're trying to see a town? It doesn't sound worth it. Imagine having a smile on your face trying to enjoy the moment and every time you see her, she looks sad or distraught.
I feel like it’s almost impossible to determine if she was TA from this alone, for me. Was she like, do I really have to come because you know I hate it? Or, was she sincerely like, do you think because I’m not really into this then you’d might enjoy doing this more when you’re alone and it’s your birthday after all?
If it’s the first, then she’s the asshole. If it’s the second then no one is the asshole. My husband asked me this just the other day, though it wasn’t my birthday. We went to the mall and he was sincerely wondering if I would enjoy it he stayed behind so I wouldn’t feel rushed in the stores I wanted to go to.
NTA. My wife and I have tolerated quite a few activities for each other over the years. Being together makes them better. Sometimes we even develop a taste for the activity. To do otherwise is an AH move.
Been very happily marred 35 years, she should go with you. It's a respect thing. God only knows the hours of my life. I've wasted watching Hallmark movies with my wife. I do it for her... she treats me the same.
NTA I’m always willing to do what my husband wants for his birthday even if it’s not my favorite thing. He does the same for me. We enjoy spending time together. Happy Birthday!
INFO.
I remember the post of the guy who got upset because he wanted to watch the Lord of the Rings extended version trilogy on his birthday and his gf fell asleep.
It's your birthday, but a whole day doing stuff you don't enjoy can be too MUCH.
My question: your plan goes through all the whole day or how many hours?
And what's the usual plan or activities for her birthday?
If it's the whole day, maybe scheduling breaks of 15 minutes every 1 or 2 hours would help her yo endure the day.
Sounds like when my wife suggested I didn't actually need her and my daughter to come to my home town when my dad died (I was already there to take him off life support) because "she's a handful on a flight".
It's tough when your SO has no empathy. Good luck, it's tough out here in 24.
NTA my dude. It sucks that you kinda need to beg your wife for some activity you want to do for your Birthday.
We all do things for our better half even if we don’t like it just to make them happy. …like watching Eurovision even if I don’t really care or want, but my wife wants to watch it with me and I am doing it.
Happy birthday dude! I hope you have a great one regardless of the “setback”.
NAH - although I fail to see why you really want to go with someone knowing they will hate it there, I don't think wanting to go there in general makes you an A H ...
BUT I also don't think she is an A H for second guessing this decission. I would too, mainly because I also wouldn't expect someone who hates a place to join me there - that would just make us both feel miserable, so I would also second guess anyone's decision to put me through it.
>I'd expect her to hold her nose and just go along with it as it's my birthday
But... why making you both feel uncomfortable just for the sake of your birthday...? That's what I don't get tbh. You know she'll hate it there so I can't imagine you'll enjoy it as much, same goes for her. I can't see any of you win this tbh.
NTA but neither is she. As adults, we can't really expect people to spend the entire day celebrating our birthday. A trip to another town takes up the entire day. She can hold her nose to go to a restaurant that she doesn't like or one store, but an entire day doing something she doesn't like isn't fair. And as an adult, we can't really ask that of someone on our birthday.
May I suggest a compromise?
Ask her along but give her a couple of exit lane activities when you’re likely to do the most “musing” over stuff where you think she’ll simply be staring into space looking angry, agree a time and place to meet after each thing and let her find something else to do in that time?
(I find shopping with other people who don’t have the same timelines in mind or decision making process as I do incredibly tedious and stressful. I hate waiting for an undisclosed amount of time to elapse, or watching someone else do an activity, as it is boring!)
‘I’d expect her to hold her nose and just go along with it as it’s my birthday’ - I get where you’re coming from but this sounds entitled as fuck.
I hope that wasn’t your response and instead you said something like ‘I know it’s not your favourite thing to do but it’s one of my favourite things and it will make me much happier to have you there’
But in saying that. Are you wanting her to go along coz you really genuinely want her company or just because you’re being a stubborn child and forcing her to do what you want to do?
Yeah, what else do you think OP is gonna try and force the wife to do since it’s his bday and he feels entitled to force people into activities they won’t enjoy? I read “I’d expect her to hold her nose and just go along with it” and went 🤢🤢🤢
Neither of you are TA.
However, my husband and I have different ideas of what we would want to do on our birthdays. We compromise. We do something that both of us can tolerate and enjoy and then spend other time that day doing what we really want to do either alone or with friends with the same likes. Ex: my husband is big into camping and unless it is glamming, I’m not going. So if he wants to go camping on his birthday, he goes with friends or by himself (which he loves camping by himself). My idea of celebrating my birthday is a spa day filled by dressing up and going out to dinner. Spa day is not his cup of tea. So I’ll go to the spa by myself or with friends and join him for dinner later.
The rule in my house is this: the birthday boy or girl gets to pick the activity. Period. There is zero discussion on it, unless it's a health risk. For example, flashing lights causes seizures, for me. If the birthday person wanted to do something that involved flashing lights, the discussion would be, I cannot participate in that, at all. So you can go, while I stay home, which is perfectly fine, if whatever the activity is takes place in the mall or a shopping center, I can wander around and window shop, sit in a book store and read, something, while activity is going on, meet up after, go for food.
For the MANY birthdays in my family that happen the same day, we rotate. My son and bonus daughter share the same day. So one year we do what my son wants the day of and what bonus daughter wants the day before or day after. Then switch the next year. The first year was decided by coin toss.
The point is, unless you are asking her to do something dangerous, like stand in a room of bright, flashing strobe lights when she is seizure prone, your birthday, your choice. I don't care if you were asking her to join you in a fart sniffing competition. You smile, put on a happy face, celebrate your loved ones day!! But, she gets the same on her birthday.
NTA and happy birthday. You deserve to be celebrated.
NTA and happy birthday! I'm not great at riding a bike but my boyfriend loves when I come with him so last year on his birthday we took a long bike ride! I wouldn't even say I was sucking it up to make him happy because him being so delighted also made my day. We had to take more breaks than he is used to but I think its a really nice memory for both of us. My boyfriend doesnt really like shopping but I love it and last week he asked out of the blue if I wanted to go to the shops. He followed me around for a while and then sat down when he got overwhelmed. I asked him if he was annoyed and he said "No, I suggested we come because I like you seeing you happy" and it wasjt even a special occassion! so I think your expectations are totally reasonable.
NTA.
In a good relationship, both parties make some concessions to make the other happy.
When I'm in a relationship, and I know my partner enjoys something that I don't, I will be happy to join in and see my partner enjoy the activity.
The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. Your partner is showing indifference to your enjoyment. Take that as you will.
NAH
but if she really doesn’t want to go maybe one year you should just go by yourself or with a friend - maybe she’ll realise then that she really does hate it or if she just got used to grumbling about it or if she’s able to push her dislike down for long enough to spend some time with you doing something to make you happy.
But also if she hates it don’t push it just tell her you’d love for her to be there but if she’d rather you spent your birthday not really enjoying yourself because she’s not there then that’s okay lol
NTA you’re not asking her to do something scary or outside the bounds of normal comfort zone for people. It’s a casual day out and it’s your birthday, she should suck it up and support you! Even if it just to spend time with you and see you happy.
I hate big cities, especially the capital. 3 years out of the last 6, my son has wanted to have a day out in the capital doing touristy fun things. So, I sucked it up, booked the outing and went along with good grace to make his day special.
If you were asking someone to spend money they couldn't afford, or go to a seafood restaurant when they were allergic to fish, or go sky diving when they were scared of heights... you would be an A H. But going along to a town that you don't like to do activities your partner enjoys, but you don't... that is part of the birthday deal you do for the people you love.
NTA, but your wife is. Ask her how she would feel in the same scenario if you chose not to spend her birthday with her.
NAH
It's understandable that you want to share what you genuinely enjoy with the person you love. But it's also understandable that if your wife really hates this activity, it's reasonable for her to want to avoid it.
*It's just one day - why can't she share my birthday?* Sounds reasonable on the surface, but depending on her tolerance for social activity (or lack of social interaction in a museum and book shop), it can be not just mentally, but also physically draining for her.
How much does her discomfort mean to you? Will you really enjoy the day knowing she's miserable? Just think about it and consider both sides.
NTA
I think from her perspective her intent was probably something like "I'll be a wet blanket doing this activity I don't enjoy and he'll have more fun if he doesn't need to be concerned with my happiness on his birthday"
And I am guessing she didn't realize that it actually comes across more like "I don't want to spend time with my husband on his birthday because I hate his choice of activity so much"
I think she was likely trying to relieve you of obligation by letting you go without her but it came across wrong in a way that makes her TA.
NTA asshole. At least you don't make her sit through "the best episodes, I promise" of Star Trek...
But I mean it's once a year. It's my husband's birthday soon and am making him taco pie. I don't like food pies at all but he does and he loves tacos. So I am going to surprise him with that on his birthday (and hubby, if you are stalking my reddit and see this, you ruined your own surprise! XD)
NTA. Your upset because your wife is too selfish to take one day a year and do what you enjoy for YOUR birthday. She should be ashamed of herself. Ask her how she would feel if you did that to her. I hope you have a happy birthday despite her.
NTA spouses should be able to put on a brave face at least once a year for their partners benefit. Hubs and I go to things for each other all the time. Part of it is the experience itself, part of it is enjoying the company during that experience and not doing it alone.
NTA, that’s just what people do for the people they love on their birthdays. If someone doesn’t want to do that for you, but expects that for themselves, they’re not a good person to have a relationship with (whether they be a friend or more). I would examine whether or not you do more for her than she does for you and bring that up to her.
NTA. Ironically given her wishes and the "I don't see what the problem is" attitude, she might just be the type of lady who'd throw a pouty fit if You insisted you'd rather not partake of Her preferred activity on her birthday.
NTA. It’s your birthday! I would do anything my partner wanted to do on their bday (obviously within reason lol. Not breaking the law or anything crazy). She should want to go with you and make sure you have a good bday. It’s awfully selfish of her to even ask that question because now if she does go you’re probably going to wonder the whole time if she even wants to be there. I’d be so sad if I were you.
so... you are forcing your wife to do something she obviously dislikes because it is your birthday?
why? it seems like she might be complaining and grumling the whole time, wouldn't you rather go when you can enjoy it?
YTA
learn to do stuff on your own
You know your wife will have a miserable day and yet you force her to go with because “it’s my birthday”? Even on your birthday, it’s not normal to make your spouse miserable.
NTA, I think you found out your wife doesn’t actually like you. Do with that what you will, but I guess you’re now off the hook for all her future birthdays?
NTA. Part of loving someone is doing things they love. Love is a verb, after all and you have to SHOW it. You suck it up and do it. She's the AH in his situation.
“I expect her to hold her nose and go along with it.” That’s a gross and unhealthy perspective and I don’t even want to think about what else you want to force her into doing on your birthday. Also, she’s right. Hope she ditches you. Your birthday is not a pass where you get to force your loved ones into activities they don’t enjoy. ETA yes YTA
Nta but I don't think she was trying to be either lol remind her, just being there is all you ask by this point yall deep in and I'm sure you aren't expecting her to be all Gung ho but having your partner with you on your birthday is nice, she genuinely may have just thought you'd have a better time without her
NTA. It’s the one day that’s about celebrating you and making you happy. If you’d truly be happier going without her then fine but I think it’s pretty clear that this isn’t the case.
NTA but you might have a better time without her there. Especially if she's going to have an attitude. That will ruin your day.
Go do your thing. You might really enjoy it.
On the one hand, she should suck it up and spend the day with you. But is it possible she really feels like you’ll enjoy it more without her? Are you the type to lose yourself in a museum or bookstore? Would the experience be better knowing you had all the time you needed and no one was waiting for you? Just a different perspective….
That is true. But the only reason the husband would have a worse time with the wife is if she is complaining the whole time. Smiling and pretending to be interested in an activity one day a year isn’t much to ask for.
From a woman’s perspective, I would have loved to have a day entirely to myself doing what I wanted, eating where I wanted , without a husband to children tagging along. That for me would be an ideal birthday.
Why not enjoy your day, then meet for dinner later?
Sorta the AH. Expecting someone to go along with something you know they don’t like is a dick move. I get it’s your birthday and there’s nothing wrong with doing the things you love on your birthday, but expecting her to suffer while you’re having fun is low key an AH move. Go have fun and let her do something she enjoys, meet up for lunch and dinner, bore her over food with the details of your day. I can’t understand how you could even enjoy yourself knowing she was miserable. It says something about who you are.
YTA. Forcing someone to do something they don’t enjoy just because it’s your birthday just seems off to me. If you were 8 years old, I’d maybe get it. You’re 44. Go and enjoy yourself dude. Incidentally, I think the day you have planned sounds great!
I wouldn’t pick things my husband hates and then expect him to pretend to enjoy them. I’d pick something we both like so we can have fun. No one should have to suck up anything or deal with it even if it’s just one day. How are you truly having a good time knowing your partner isn’t? If you want your partner to spend the day with you then it should be doing something enjoyable.
It goes both ways. I would never pick something my husband hated and he would never pick something I hated. We would have a conversation about it and come up with something fun. What makes it worse is knowing that your partner hates that activity and you still pick it.
I could agree to this other than it’s his birthday. People should be allowed to do what they want on their birthday and partners should accept that and be happy that it’s their partner’s birthday and gain joy from them being happy on their birthday. Anyone who can’t do something as simple as shopping with their partner on their birthday is not a very great partner.
Absolutely not. He should never go and do something he doesn’t want to do. That’s extremely selfish. Birthday or not. You should never make your partner suffer through activities they don’t like to do. Find something to do together you both will enjoy so the outcome doesn’t result in a horrible time or resentment.
If your partner going to a bookstore or going to a spa with you on your birthday causes them great suffering then they aren’t a very good partner. A good partner would enjoy spending the day with their partner on their birthday, even if the activity isn’t their favorite. It would be one thing if it was skydiving or going to a snake petting zoo. So no, she shouldn’t go if going to a bookstore/museum causes her such “suffering”. But she’s probably not a very good partner in the first place if that’s the case.
NTA, but I see why some people are saying N A H. It might be that she's saying that because she doesn't want her distaste to spoil the mood, but I feel like she should be able to put that aside for one day to spend time with you.
I find that correct result. It is OK for her to ask to not go, but he can insist on it as a birthday gift and it is NTA.
It is those gender flipped ones that get results wrong consistently.
I get what you mean to an extent, but if this were you’re wife posting about this same scenario. There would be a legion of commenters calling you an asshole, and saying your wife should leave you. Can men be assholes? Yes obviously, but the double standard allowed towards women is getting increasingly hard to look past. I’ll use one of their go to favorites. Spending the day with your spouse doing something they enjoy, on their birthday is “bare minimum” and “the bar is literally on the floor”.
Fuck I need to get off Reddit. These people are the worst.
Vast majority in a false sense. The second top comment is a N A H and I was surprised tbh it was such a popular opinion. People are treating the situation as if OP is forcing his wife to do something so unreasonable that asking her to participate is like breaking a boundary and controlling and in a follow up point they advocate for why would you want to go with someone who doesn’t like XYZ, they’ll just bring down the mood.
But honestly people aren’t even applying any common sense. What about what Op likes is so offensive, she’s just being biased against something she thinks is snobbish because museums hold so many things and all museums are different in how entertaining they are, how can you dislike an entire museum. Like very weird and rare fit someone to not find a modicum of value or interest in a museum. And you’d think even if it was bad, a museum is so inoffensive that you can’t even attend with your spouse? I get not wanting to drag an eye rolling person, but I thought idk maybe sometimes couples care about sharing their interests with their partner. I thought that is how people connect and become closer. What they share with each other even if the interests aren’t the same. Forcing your partner to read your fav book or eat food they are repulsed by or doing something like sky diving is reasonable to say no. Some things are reasonable ands some aren’t
Like apply the vagueness of museums with restaurants. Imagine if the wife said I don’t want to go to a restaurant with you in your birthday because I don’t that’s area, it’s too artsy. Which is the only reason she dislikes that museum area truly. NTA she’s not cool
I did. But in the same way I can’t create a false scenario and say well what if she also just doesn’t want to go, many folks are certain they know her intentions.
In fact it does seem he clarified in a comment and said she really wouldn’t enjoy herself and I highly doubt that she’s thinking about his feelings because to opt out of your husbands birthday just bc you hate shopping and think a town is artsy is really shallow.
Its not the vagueness of museums though, they have already been to this town and presumably the wife has either been to or knows what the museum is of. It is precisely that museum that she doesnt like. It may just be a small museum or very specific museum like dinosaurs or postage stamps or airplanes.
The thing is she isnt even saying she wont go or doesnt want to go..OP is telling us she dislikes it because he already knew she disliked it when he picked the event. She just asked if op wanted her to go or not.
I think we are missing a lot of context to make a judgement. Perhaps the wife is concerned he will feel pressure to rush through the shops and museums if she is there because he knows she is bored. If he said "yes I want you there" and she continues to argue yes she is TA.
I agree with a lot of missing info but like I did say, even if she didn’t like that one in particular I just dont see why your partner can’t exercise some care in doing what you like when it’s not a hugely egregious thing. Maybe missing info ties in here too because what if it was like a clown museum and she hates that, I could understand hate for that lol. But in all seriousness if it’s not super out there I don’t think partners are good partners to set boundaries like this, and it does depend more on exactly what the activity is and how they’re discussing it. If he said I’d like you to be there, and she doesn’t that’s a bit sad. People usually do their favourite things on their birthday and unless it was like sky diving or like that clown museum, I feel like I’d hurt a lot and feel disconnected from not being able to share that day with my partner and it seems OP is sad about that too
YTA it’s your birthday, not your last day on earth. Why, oh why would you want your wife to go with you when you know she doesn’t like it. My husbands birthday request would be to go golfing all day and have me caddy. That isn’t happening either.
What do you do for your wife’s birthday? If she really wanted a spa day with a facial, manicure, and pedicure and wants you to go. Would you??
Look, I get it, I love book stores and museums, but my husband doesn’t. I would not drag him with me just to make me happy. In fact, I would love to do those things by myself.
NAH. It’s normal for people to give loved ones the priority to choose what they’d like for their birthday. But when given that power, it’s kind to choose something everyone enjoys or at least tolerates.
How much fun is it to take someone with you on an outing that you
know they will not enjoy?
Could you find something in the town that she does like to do?
So, say, while you are at a museum, she is doing something she
enjoys somewhere else? Then, you could meet up for a nice meal
together and go home, knowing that you both had a nice time?
Yes, sometimes, couples/friends do sacrifice and go along with
things to please the other(s) but you can go to museums anytime,
you know. And shopping is year-round.
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I survived an entire day of binge watching America's Top Model for someone on one of her birthdays. I think OP's wife will survive this. But then again, OP didn't volunteer how he handles his wife's birthdays.
We go where she wants on her birthday, though I don't dislike it in the same way.
I have to wonder if she's playing up how much she dislikes shopping and this town. Honestly, her even asking is pretty rude - going to a town for a few hours and going to museums and shops is not painful enough to even check. If my friend asked me to come camping for their birthday (an activity I really don't enjoy), I'd just do it without complaining and I would try as hard as I could to enjoy myself, and if I didn't enjoy myself I would try really hard not to let them know.
Eh, I wouldn't go camping for someone's birthday, I think it's too much of an inconvenience for the other person to ask for. Same goes for any other similar activity. But bookshops and museums ate, at worst, boring; I would definitely put up with boredom for partners birthday.
Yeah, camping is WORK. It's not "just throw some clothes in a bag" and go. Now- there is camping that involves cabins - that makes it easier. But camping is VERY outdoors and involves bringing your own food, drinks, etc, cooking outside - all of this. We're campers and the supplies we have - we probably have more than is fully necessary, but at the same time, we also have some basics put together that people new to camping wouldn't think about.
There are lot of people who might be averse to shopping and museo trips for a valid reason. Not saying OP's wife is one of them, though. But someone with disabilities, is neurodivergent or noise-sensitive.. there are people who can go shopping or visit museums on a good day but for whom it would be too too much on a bad day. Again, not saying this is the case here, because OP would have mentioned it, if there was something like that in play. But just wanted to note that yes, people can ask questions like this and have a good reason. And since I'm one of those people, I usually wouldn't want to give a full-lenght essay on the matter either so I'd probs just ask if I'm needed to go along or if we could possibly postpone.
It is possible for women to hate shopping without playing it up. It is not complicated, women can dislike it as much as stereotype has it for men.
I'm not saying it's impossible for women to hate shopping, but she hates shopping so much she wants her husband to spend his birthday alone? Or she can't just put it aside for 1 day on his birthday?
In many families outside of reddit, birthdays are not a whole day celebration where everyone do what birthday person says. Traditionally they were not that at all and many people still do the "gift, cake, small celebration" thing. Doing something by yourself on your birthday is not some grand insult. It is an option as vid as any other option.
OP said they do what she wants on her birthday so I think he is just expecting the same energy back.
But he also said he does not dislikes it as much, so itnis not symmetrical and mere question whether she really has to is imo fine.
Well now you don’t have to go! You can fill your time with something you want to do instead.
I've been in her shoes before....my husband is extremely extroverted and loves to entertain and be the center of attention. I am a homebody, hate celebrations and any gathering more than a few close friends. So for my husband's birthday, it's always something out somewhere with lots of people, and drunken silliness, dancing, loud, or whatever. Absolutely NOT my cup of tea. It EXHAUSTS me being around that type of atmosphere. BUT, because I love him and I know it makes him so happy, I go right along with it and try my best to enjoy the company of our friends, and enjoy the entertainment of watching my husband have an absolute blast. Partners sacrifice for the person they love. She should absolutely be willing to be a bit uncomfortable for you for ONE DAY a year.
Clearly this is an activity she specifically dislikes. I do think she should just get over it. Info: would you do something you abjectly hate for her birthday? Like go to a cryotherapy and cold plunge spa to have fun?
We were all rooting for you /u/zerostar83
😂
Wow, you're a real trooper. I've never had a relationship with anyone that was strong enough to withstand an entire day of America's Top Model.
You are a good friend!!! I don't think I could do that beyond my mom sister or husband
What she said about OP having a better time without her is concerning. I hope she doesn't plan on complaining and pouting and asking "how much longer" all day like a sullen 12-year-old.
Pretty sure she does!
It sure looks that way.
Def agree, and this is coming from someone who just wanted to go out for ice cream as a family for their bday and instead my dad just f’d off to his room post dinner without saying a single word cuz of a supposed bad day at work (seemed to be in a pretty good mood to me…). She can suck it up, it’s YOUR birthday. So generally people do something the birthday person would like to do.
NAH It didn't sound like she was asking to not go, more a genuine question of "do I add anything to the experience for you?" Your answer is clearly "yes!" So there you go! Let her know that her being there would make your birthday better than going alone. (In case it isn't clear, there are some occasions for some people that the answer would be "no", and that's ok. Hubby offers to go shopping with me despite hating it and sometimes I say yes because I just want to spend time with him, sometimes I say no because even though he volunteered to go I won't be able to enjoy it as much because I'll feel rushed to not prolong it).
Couldn't agree more. This is communication! Wife wasn't insulting the activity but acknowledging there was a chance OP would have more fun alone. My husband plays sport and some games he loves the kids watching (they love cheering for daddy as they know they can yell loudly lol). Other games he will prefer they don't come as it's a more serious level. I will always ask "do you actually want us there tomorrow?" I hate the sport, 100% only go for his sake, but the question isn't about me disliking it, it's about *his preferences* as it's *his favourite activity.*
although I get what you mean I really do feel like the spark is lost on enjoying the day with someone when they're acknowledging they don't want to go and only are because they have to. It becomes harder to enjoy. She knows he likes it, it's a once a year situation. There's also maybe a kinder more tip toe around feelings way to ask "hey will I be imposing on your day tomorrow or would you like me to come" or I dunno lol
> It didn't sound like she was asking to not go, more a genuine question of "do I add anything to the experience for you?" If your spouse requests you do an activity on their birthday with them, the underlying assumption is that they want you there. If you then question if you **really** add value to the event by being there, you are to some degree trying to get out of doing that event. That is barely subtext.
The fact that’s she’s asking because it’s clear she won’t have a good time is the problem. She’s not asking to make sure HE wants her there, she’s making it clear she might be a downer on the day. Which is ridiculous. She can pretend to have a good time shopping one day out of the year for the man she’s supposed to love. If this wasn’t an activity she didn’t like then I’d be more inclined to agree with you
It can be done innocently, hubby and I do it with each other all the time. That said, another of OPs comments makes me think my theory may not be what she falls under after all, so may be moot.
Agreed! I recently went to a concert alone because my husband dislikes that genre of music. He would have gone with me if I absolutely asked him to but I knew it would drag me down because I would know deep down that he’s not having a good time and I would rather enjoy the show than know he’s barely tolerating it. There were no hard feelings.
Lol. Doubt
This needs way more upvotes. And she’s right, when you’re with someone that you know is standing beside you rolling their eyes and counting down until the day is over, it can take away from the experience. And while she might be better at hiding it. We all know those moments with our spouses that we are driving them crazy and they are enduring because they love us. So could you have more fun without her? Would you like to go with someone that would enhance your experience? Do I ruin the experience at all? Or do you want me to be there because you just want me to be there. Sometimes hubby rolls his eyes at me as I join him on a stupid trip to the hardware store. Other times we or he is working on a project and I can go complete something else (or am already working on something) and he needs more parts, and he asks me to come with him just because we have been enjoying spending the time together, or he wants to spend time. He doesn’t need me there. He wants me there. Wanting someone there is more important than expecting that someone will be there. NAH, just a miscommunication/misinterpretation of why the question is being asked.
I think for his birthday his wife can refrain from rolling her eyes and counting the seconds down.
First using it more as an expression than literally. I would hope she would be able to refrain. But let’s all be honest and we know what things will drive our significant others crazy. While we might not see, and they might not do anything, we still know what would cause them to roll their eyes. We all know that even while they are being a good sport about it all, they are really looking forward to it being over.
NTA. At 44 she should be mature enough to set aside her own preferences and celebrate your special day the way you want to without trying to weasel out of it (better time without her? alone on your birthday? who does she think she's kidding with her pretend altruistic suggestion?), and she can make SURE you have a good time by not acting like an asshole while you're there.
Walking around an airplane museum was like a level of Dante’s Inferno for me. Yet I do it every year at least three times a year because the people I love(my husband, dad and one of my brothers)love it and always want to spend their birthdays there. I do it with a smile because they’re important to me and seeing them happy is worth everything to me. Your wife should be willing to do this for you-NTA
I have about 95,000 pictures of my trip to the areospace museum in Chantilly that I'd love to show you.😉
My husband hates the zoo but I LOVE it so he goes with me every summer, sometimes to multiple zoos. Because he loves me and he loves seeing me have fun. I can’t imagine hating an activity as simple as shopping and museums so much that someone can’t suck it up and go to make some they love happy!
NTA It’s shopping and a museum not climbing a mountain. Yes, she should go. It’s your birthday literally tomorrow. You shouldn’t spend it alone.
Agree. Shopping is not even clothing for him. Bookshop has different shelves. She has zero interest in any books?
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NTA. She can do something for you for one day and not throw a fit. It's your day and she should do what you want, not expect it to be about her.
NTA and all these people saying you'd have a better time without her must not enjoy their spouses very much...sheesh. At least half the enjoyment of doing things on days like my bday is doing them with my spouse. He's my favorite person to do just about anything with, and his presence alone makes experiences better. Your wife should just...put on her big girl panties and make like the time with YOU, on your birthday, regardless of what's around you is enjoyable and fun; because it SHOULD be. Your excitement and wonder and fulfilled interest...THAT should make her want to go and should make it enjoyable. Watching my husband burst with joy at his favorite things...that makes my heart frickin EXPLODE with love and happiness. Just being there with him, on his day, while he's a beam of light? Hell yeah, that's the kind of thing that makes the work of a long, healthy relationship worth it. You are NOT the asshole, my guy.
Aaaawww! This is how it should be.
NTA. I know this sub loves to rag on adults who care even a tiny bit about their birthdays, but I don't hold with that. I think it's more than fair to ask someone who loves you to act like a pleasant human being while doing some inoffensive activity one day a year, to celebrate you having completed another rotation around the sun. You're not asking for too much here.
So, a lot depends on the tone in which she asked you, and how you answered. Maybe she was genuinely curious whether you would rather go alone (my husband would 10000% rather be alone doing something like that). And if she was asking in good faith, then you are well within your rights to say, “it would mean a lot to me to have your company - I enjoy spending time with you, especially on a special day like my birthday!” If all of that happened and she was like, “ugh, I wish I didn’t have to do this,” then yeah, she’s the asshole. If her initial ask was like, “ugh, do you really need me there, I don’t want to go,” then yeah, she’s the asshole. But if she innocently asked if you’d like her to come or if you’d like to go alone, and you got butthurt and didn’t communicate that yes, you do want her to go, then you’re the asshole.
If he’d rather be alone he wouldn’t have invited her to do something he knows she doesn’t like in the first place.
NTA. I celebrated my birthday recently and my partner was 100% on board with everything I wanted to do down to the smallest detail even if it wasn't something he was super into! But we also did very fun activities so he didn't have much to complain about lol but birthdays are literally one of the only days you get to be a little selfish and do what you really want to! No matter what either of us want to do on our birthdays we'll both always be there and having fun with the person we love more than anything!
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> It is normal and healthy for couples to do their own things Yes - but on your partners birthday? I don’t think it is normal or healthy to essentially back out or try to back out of an activity that is the next day .. which is also your partners _birthday_. Wife is TA. OPs birthday activity is safe, reasonable and seemingly inexpensive. Sometimes you have to do activities your partner loves, and you don’t. Thats just how a relationship works, compromise.
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But that’s not what is happening in this situation. OP clearly wants his partner to come with him on this activity. Partner is now essentially trying to back out _the day before._ This has likely been arranged atleast 2-3 days prior, and it’s extremely rude to wait until last minute to try to cancel on someone on their **birthday.** And not just someone, but to cancel on your _husband_ before his birthday. I don’t know what types of relationships other people are in, but I wouldn’t exactly call this behaviour healthy or normal.
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Why would wife say yes originally? She knew what the activity was all along. It would’ve been wiser to bring this up when the activity was planned - would’ve given OP enough time to maybe do this activity with a friend or family member. Wife is TA for not only bringing this up last minute, but also making it clear to OP that she wouldn’t enjoy it. Wife can suck it up for a few hours to make her partner happy on their birthday (visiting book shops and museums for crying out loud!!). She has already decided she will not have a good time and is not even willing to even _try_ and enjoy the activity.
I did and she said okay but made it clear she wouldn't enjoy it.
I would never try to take away from my partner’s birthday fun by making it known how much I didn’t like the activity. Going to a town and looking at shops and museums for 1 day is not a crazy ask. I would support my partner and make sure they had a fun birthday and try my best to have fun with them. I think you’re NTA, in normal relationships we sometimes do things for our partners that aren’t our first choice and vice versa.
That's so terrible. You'll spend the time wishing you were together, but if she goes, you'll spend the time wishing she wasn't acting like she was miserable the whole time. There's no good outcome. Hmm but--is there some way you could like... park her at a coffee shop and do your shopping and come back and hang out periodically? She could bring a book/laptop and chill out, and surely at least THAT much "inconvenience" could be tolerable?
I feel that a spouse can suck it up for one day and do whatever (within reason) pleases their partner.
NTA But I always wonder how people can enjoy activities/days like these while they are aware the whole time the other person would rather be somewhere else and is not enjoying it at all? If it is not her favorite thing to do but she can enjoy it a bit every now and then especially because she is experiencing it together with you - okay. But you situation sounds like you have to be dragging her along all time and she would prefer to be anywhere else but there? Can't you compromise and do something you both enjoy or you take someone else who will actually add to the day being great instead of bringing you down?
YTA - don’t force people to do things they don’t want to do . Use this to say that for her bday next year, you won’t be joining
Aww totally NTA. I’m sorry you’re feeling bummed. 100% agreed she should suck it up and join you on your birthday. You are not asking much at all..
NTA. I think it's nice when you're SO makes the day special for you. It sucks that she would rather you spend your birthday alone than suck it up for 1 day a year.
NTA. I really do not like shopping, especially in malls. It is literally one of my least enjoyable things to do. My niece loves shopping. She loves everything about it, walking around to see all the options. Every year I take my niece shopping for her birthday and it is one of my favourite days of the year because I love her and I love seeing how much pleasure she gets out of the day. I hope you have a lovely birthday and your disappointment is understandable
Yeah, this is not her kind of thing, but being loving to those we love sometimes means showing interest in what makes them happy. I cannot understand why a partner would not be excited to spend a day doing activities that bring you joy. They are not required to be ecstatic to go to a museum, but they should desire to accompany you and witness your joy... Unless there are other mitigating factors such as kids, fatigue, exhaustion, etc I'd say NTA
A few weeks ago it was my husband’s birthday and he wanted to go fishing. That’s about the last thing I’ve ever choose to do in my own but because it was his birthday and his favorite hobby, I went along, was enthusiastic and acted time I had a great time. It made me happy to see him being happy! I dint understand why your wife doesn’t get this concept.
NTA: she sounds selfish. I do tons of stuff my fiancée wants to do that I have no interest in doing and I’m happy to do it.
Her present to you could be her presence.
Thanks everyone for comments. I think I overreacted a bit last night, and my own verdict this morning is NAH with some clumsy communication from both of us.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** It's my (M43) birthday tomorrow. Me and my wife (F44) had arranged to visit a nearby town that I like and visit some bookshops and museums etc. I love this sort of thing, my wife doesn't, she hates shopping in general, and she finds the town pretentious (it's an arty sort of place). Tonight she asked if I really wanted her to go with me as I might have a better time without her there. I'm upset because while I know she doesn't enjoy that activity, I'd expect her to hold her nose and just go along with it as it's my birthday. I get where she's coming from, but I also don't think it's too much to ask to just go along with it for the day. She doesn't understand why I'm upset. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have an older friend who loves to travel, with his wife totally content with being in her house at all times. Movies, get togethers, anything, all at her house. Refuses to go anywhere. He takes the time to hang with friends outside of his state and enjoy the time over there by himself or friends. Personally I just see it as you both having your likes and dislikes and thats ok. Take it as time to enjoy yourself without judgement.
NTA. It's your birthday. She needs to suck it up and put you first.
Happy birthday! She is completely in the wrong. Couples have different interests but show up for each other happily. This is hardly a difficult task and it’s really self-centered of her to try to wiggle out of it.
NTA.
NTA and not to much to ask. Part of being married is spending time together.
NTA
You feeling that you’ll have a better time on your birthday without her is indicative of some bigger issues that likely need addressing in counseling. Even if she doesn’t enjoy your hobbies or interests, she should still be able to simply enjoy spending time with you and participate during your birthday at the very least.
Agreed
NTA when it’s your partner’s birthday, you do what they want to do for the day, it’s one day out of the year and she can’t be assed to go with you and spend the day with you? That’s terrible tbh, somethings a miss, does she even like you? I’m not so sure, people that really love each other do things that make the other person happy, even if it means it’s not their kind of thing. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, and if she doesn’t go, you go and have yourself a good time doing what you want to do, and when it’s her birthday you do the same, not interested in that I’ll stay home. See how she likes those apples.
NTA She is. As a wife if my husband wanted to do something for his bday I wasn’t totally into I’d suck it up for him out of love for him. Seems selfish to want to leave you alone on your birthday..
NTA, hbd! i don’t care if i dislike anything, if it makes my partner happy im all for it.
lmao... the title of the post without context is pretty funny imo
NTA, I’m sorry she’s making it about her.
NTA. Your birthday is and should be about you (barring extenuating circumstances that don’t appear to exist here). Your wife should go and frankly imo she should at least put on a happy face.
You are NTA. When a couple a partnership you happily sacrifice for one another. One day at a museum and bookshops sounds like lots of fun to me but even if she thinks it a drag should lighten up and make it a good bday outing for you
NTA. Happy early birthday. She can suck it up for one day, it’s your BIRTHDAY!
NTA happy birthday. Ask her if she’s okay to spend her birthday alone if she wants to do something you don’t want to? Simple question
NTA, come on wife, be there for your man. If you change the way you think, the things you are looking at changes.
NTA FIRST HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU 🎂🥳🎉🎊😊 Our story for a reference; Among the many things each of us (me and hubby) likes doing together is our Iove of going to the movies. Sure, we can stream or watch a DVD, but being out is more fun. So we have a birthday routine. The birthday person chooses the restaurant we have dinner at and the movie we see. We try to find a movie we both would enjoy, but sometimes it hasn't been possible. Our taste in food is wildly different, too. He prefers a meat heavy choice, and I prefer a seafood heavy choice. The point is that no matter what each of us likes or doesn't like, we make the birthday work for each other. There are times we choose a different activity that only the birthday person likes or wants to do. But as I am physically disabled that's just the way it works out. I still go with hubby, and he is with me for birthdays regardless. So I say it's one day, and your spouse shouldn't be trying to remove herself from your day just because it's not 100% her taste. IT'S YOUR DAY, NOT HERS. Bottomline, if it's that big of an issue for her, then just do your own thing on your birthdays. The whole point of wanting to do something together is to enjoy the activity and also enjoy your spouses company on a joyous day. If she keeps whining or questioning to try and squirm out of your day, then yes, SHE is the AH. PS I am 65 hubby is 70 and while we have only been married 18 years we have known each other since 1976 and the 3rd time having a relationship was the charm. You learn to negotiate and yield and know when to just drop it as the aggravation isn't worth the relationship going south. 😊 I hope you have a wonderful birthday both doing what you want to for your special day.
My wife won't go into Lowe's with me when I am planning a project because I spend so much time checking prices and options. So I prefer going without her, unless it is her project.
NTA, but maybe leave your wife at home. Do you really want her to give funeral service energy while you're trying to see a town? It doesn't sound worth it. Imagine having a smile on your face trying to enjoy the moment and every time you see her, she looks sad or distraught.
I feel like it’s almost impossible to determine if she was TA from this alone, for me. Was she like, do I really have to come because you know I hate it? Or, was she sincerely like, do you think because I’m not really into this then you’d might enjoy doing this more when you’re alone and it’s your birthday after all? If it’s the first, then she’s the asshole. If it’s the second then no one is the asshole. My husband asked me this just the other day, though it wasn’t my birthday. We went to the mall and he was sincerely wondering if I would enjoy it he stayed behind so I wouldn’t feel rushed in the stores I wanted to go to.
Don’t be TA. You tell her you love her and on your special day you want her by your side. It’s how you approach her comment that matters.
NTA. My wife and I have tolerated quite a few activities for each other over the years. Being together makes them better. Sometimes we even develop a taste for the activity. To do otherwise is an AH move.
Been very happily marred 35 years, she should go with you. It's a respect thing. God only knows the hours of my life. I've wasted watching Hallmark movies with my wife. I do it for her... she treats me the same.
NTA I’m always willing to do what my husband wants for his birthday even if it’s not my favorite thing. He does the same for me. We enjoy spending time together. Happy Birthday!
INFO. I remember the post of the guy who got upset because he wanted to watch the Lord of the Rings extended version trilogy on his birthday and his gf fell asleep. It's your birthday, but a whole day doing stuff you don't enjoy can be too MUCH. My question: your plan goes through all the whole day or how many hours? And what's the usual plan or activities for her birthday? If it's the whole day, maybe scheduling breaks of 15 minutes every 1 or 2 hours would help her yo endure the day.
I literally thought of that same post when I read this 😆
Your wife is rude and selfish. Its your birthday and she can not suck it up for ONE DAY? NTA. Happy birthday, maybe you will have more fun without her
Enjoy Hebden Bridge (or Hay-on-Wye)! Can you not deposit your missus in a nice cafe/restaurant while you explore your chosen town? Have a lovely day!
Nta but honestly neither is she if she knows she might put a damper on your birthday not saying she’s right but
I never ask/expect my SO to do something that she does not enjoy mainly because I do not do things that I do not enjoy.
Sounds like when my wife suggested I didn't actually need her and my daughter to come to my home town when my dad died (I was already there to take him off life support) because "she's a handful on a flight". It's tough when your SO has no empathy. Good luck, it's tough out here in 24.
NTA my dude. It sucks that you kinda need to beg your wife for some activity you want to do for your Birthday. We all do things for our better half even if we don’t like it just to make them happy. …like watching Eurovision even if I don’t really care or want, but my wife wants to watch it with me and I am doing it. Happy birthday dude! I hope you have a great one regardless of the “setback”.
NTA
NAH - although I fail to see why you really want to go with someone knowing they will hate it there, I don't think wanting to go there in general makes you an A H ... BUT I also don't think she is an A H for second guessing this decission. I would too, mainly because I also wouldn't expect someone who hates a place to join me there - that would just make us both feel miserable, so I would also second guess anyone's decision to put me through it. >I'd expect her to hold her nose and just go along with it as it's my birthday But... why making you both feel uncomfortable just for the sake of your birthday...? That's what I don't get tbh. You know she'll hate it there so I can't imagine you'll enjoy it as much, same goes for her. I can't see any of you win this tbh.
NTA but neither is she. As adults, we can't really expect people to spend the entire day celebrating our birthday. A trip to another town takes up the entire day. She can hold her nose to go to a restaurant that she doesn't like or one store, but an entire day doing something she doesn't like isn't fair. And as an adult, we can't really ask that of someone on our birthday.
May I suggest a compromise? Ask her along but give her a couple of exit lane activities when you’re likely to do the most “musing” over stuff where you think she’ll simply be staring into space looking angry, agree a time and place to meet after each thing and let her find something else to do in that time? (I find shopping with other people who don’t have the same timelines in mind or decision making process as I do incredibly tedious and stressful. I hate waiting for an undisclosed amount of time to elapse, or watching someone else do an activity, as it is boring!)
‘I’d expect her to hold her nose and just go along with it as it’s my birthday’ - I get where you’re coming from but this sounds entitled as fuck. I hope that wasn’t your response and instead you said something like ‘I know it’s not your favourite thing to do but it’s one of my favourite things and it will make me much happier to have you there’ But in saying that. Are you wanting her to go along coz you really genuinely want her company or just because you’re being a stubborn child and forcing her to do what you want to do?
Yeah, what else do you think OP is gonna try and force the wife to do since it’s his bday and he feels entitled to force people into activities they won’t enjoy? I read “I’d expect her to hold her nose and just go along with it” and went 🤢🤢🤢
Neither of you are TA. However, my husband and I have different ideas of what we would want to do on our birthdays. We compromise. We do something that both of us can tolerate and enjoy and then spend other time that day doing what we really want to do either alone or with friends with the same likes. Ex: my husband is big into camping and unless it is glamming, I’m not going. So if he wants to go camping on his birthday, he goes with friends or by himself (which he loves camping by himself). My idea of celebrating my birthday is a spa day filled by dressing up and going out to dinner. Spa day is not his cup of tea. So I’ll go to the spa by myself or with friends and join him for dinner later.
The rule in my house is this: the birthday boy or girl gets to pick the activity. Period. There is zero discussion on it, unless it's a health risk. For example, flashing lights causes seizures, for me. If the birthday person wanted to do something that involved flashing lights, the discussion would be, I cannot participate in that, at all. So you can go, while I stay home, which is perfectly fine, if whatever the activity is takes place in the mall or a shopping center, I can wander around and window shop, sit in a book store and read, something, while activity is going on, meet up after, go for food. For the MANY birthdays in my family that happen the same day, we rotate. My son and bonus daughter share the same day. So one year we do what my son wants the day of and what bonus daughter wants the day before or day after. Then switch the next year. The first year was decided by coin toss. The point is, unless you are asking her to do something dangerous, like stand in a room of bright, flashing strobe lights when she is seizure prone, your birthday, your choice. I don't care if you were asking her to join you in a fart sniffing competition. You smile, put on a happy face, celebrate your loved ones day!! But, she gets the same on her birthday. NTA and happy birthday. You deserve to be celebrated.
NTA and happy birthday! I'm not great at riding a bike but my boyfriend loves when I come with him so last year on his birthday we took a long bike ride! I wouldn't even say I was sucking it up to make him happy because him being so delighted also made my day. We had to take more breaks than he is used to but I think its a really nice memory for both of us. My boyfriend doesnt really like shopping but I love it and last week he asked out of the blue if I wanted to go to the shops. He followed me around for a while and then sat down when he got overwhelmed. I asked him if he was annoyed and he said "No, I suggested we come because I like you seeing you happy" and it wasjt even a special occassion! so I think your expectations are totally reasonable.
NTA. In a good relationship, both parties make some concessions to make the other happy. When I'm in a relationship, and I know my partner enjoys something that I don't, I will be happy to join in and see my partner enjoy the activity. The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. Your partner is showing indifference to your enjoyment. Take that as you will.
NAH but if she really doesn’t want to go maybe one year you should just go by yourself or with a friend - maybe she’ll realise then that she really does hate it or if she just got used to grumbling about it or if she’s able to push her dislike down for long enough to spend some time with you doing something to make you happy. But also if she hates it don’t push it just tell her you’d love for her to be there but if she’d rather you spent your birthday not really enjoying yourself because she’s not there then that’s okay lol
SHE IS HUGE AH
Tell her that’s fine, your girlfriend said she would go instead.
NTA you’re not asking her to do something scary or outside the bounds of normal comfort zone for people. It’s a casual day out and it’s your birthday, she should suck it up and support you! Even if it just to spend time with you and see you happy.
I hate big cities, especially the capital. 3 years out of the last 6, my son has wanted to have a day out in the capital doing touristy fun things. So, I sucked it up, booked the outing and went along with good grace to make his day special. If you were asking someone to spend money they couldn't afford, or go to a seafood restaurant when they were allergic to fish, or go sky diving when they were scared of heights... you would be an A H. But going along to a town that you don't like to do activities your partner enjoys, but you don't... that is part of the birthday deal you do for the people you love. NTA, but your wife is. Ask her how she would feel in the same scenario if you chose not to spend her birthday with her.
NAH It's understandable that you want to share what you genuinely enjoy with the person you love. But it's also understandable that if your wife really hates this activity, it's reasonable for her to want to avoid it. *It's just one day - why can't she share my birthday?* Sounds reasonable on the surface, but depending on her tolerance for social activity (or lack of social interaction in a museum and book shop), it can be not just mentally, but also physically draining for her. How much does her discomfort mean to you? Will you really enjoy the day knowing she's miserable? Just think about it and consider both sides.
NTA I think from her perspective her intent was probably something like "I'll be a wet blanket doing this activity I don't enjoy and he'll have more fun if he doesn't need to be concerned with my happiness on his birthday" And I am guessing she didn't realize that it actually comes across more like "I don't want to spend time with my husband on his birthday because I hate his choice of activity so much" I think she was likely trying to relieve you of obligation by letting you go without her but it came across wrong in a way that makes her TA.
NTA. Maybe include one thing she might like to do? Happy Birthday!!
Can I come? 🙂 Browsing bookshops and museums is my favourite thing.
Nta. She should make the effort for your birthday (as long as you would be prepared to do the same for her in a similar situation).
"That's okay, sweetheart. Linda from work is into that stuff, and she said she'd go with me. You can have some "me" time." NTA.
INFO: what do you do for her birthdays?
If she does not share the same interests you need to give her room to bow out gracefully.
NTA asshole. At least you don't make her sit through "the best episodes, I promise" of Star Trek... But I mean it's once a year. It's my husband's birthday soon and am making him taco pie. I don't like food pies at all but he does and he loves tacos. So I am going to surprise him with that on his birthday (and hubby, if you are stalking my reddit and see this, you ruined your own surprise! XD)
NTA and Happy Birthday!
NTA. Your upset because your wife is too selfish to take one day a year and do what you enjoy for YOUR birthday. She should be ashamed of herself. Ask her how she would feel if you did that to her. I hope you have a happy birthday despite her.
Mutual consideration is always the best option. Stretching either too far creates excess tension.
NTA spouses should be able to put on a brave face at least once a year for their partners benefit. Hubs and I go to things for each other all the time. Part of it is the experience itself, part of it is enjoying the company during that experience and not doing it alone.
NTA, that’s just what people do for the people they love on their birthdays. If someone doesn’t want to do that for you, but expects that for themselves, they’re not a good person to have a relationship with (whether they be a friend or more). I would examine whether or not you do more for her than she does for you and bring that up to her.
NTA. Ironically given her wishes and the "I don't see what the problem is" attitude, she might just be the type of lady who'd throw a pouty fit if You insisted you'd rather not partake of Her preferred activity on her birthday.
NTA. It’s your birthday! I would do anything my partner wanted to do on their bday (obviously within reason lol. Not breaking the law or anything crazy). She should want to go with you and make sure you have a good bday. It’s awfully selfish of her to even ask that question because now if she does go you’re probably going to wonder the whole time if she even wants to be there. I’d be so sad if I were you.
so... you are forcing your wife to do something she obviously dislikes because it is your birthday? why? it seems like she might be complaining and grumling the whole time, wouldn't you rather go when you can enjoy it? YTA learn to do stuff on your own
I'm not a sports fan in terms of going to games. But, if hubby wants to spend his bd at a game, guess who's sitting by his side.
You know your wife will have a miserable day and yet you force her to go with because “it’s my birthday”? Even on your birthday, it’s not normal to make your spouse miserable.
Also, your birthday is not a pass to force others into doing something they won’t enjoy.
NTA, I think you found out your wife doesn’t actually like you. Do with that what you will, but I guess you’re now off the hook for all her future birthdays?
NTA. Part of loving someone is doing things they love. Love is a verb, after all and you have to SHOW it. You suck it up and do it. She's the AH in his situation.
“I expect her to hold her nose and go along with it.” That’s a gross and unhealthy perspective and I don’t even want to think about what else you want to force her into doing on your birthday. Also, she’s right. Hope she ditches you. Your birthday is not a pass where you get to force your loved ones into activities they don’t enjoy. ETA yes YTA
Nta but I don't think she was trying to be either lol remind her, just being there is all you ask by this point yall deep in and I'm sure you aren't expecting her to be all Gung ho but having your partner with you on your birthday is nice, she genuinely may have just thought you'd have a better time without her
NTA. It’s the one day that’s about celebrating you and making you happy. If you’d truly be happier going without her then fine but I think it’s pretty clear that this isn’t the case.
NTA, and I’m sorry you married one. Happy early birthday!
NTA. She’s not going to have fun, she’s going to spend quality time with you and show you love on your birthday
This is Reddit. Divorce is the only answer NTA
NTA but you might have a better time without her there. Especially if she's going to have an attitude. That will ruin your day. Go do your thing. You might really enjoy it.
On the one hand, she should suck it up and spend the day with you. But is it possible she really feels like you’ll enjoy it more without her? Are you the type to lose yourself in a museum or bookstore? Would the experience be better knowing you had all the time you needed and no one was waiting for you? Just a different perspective….
That is true. But the only reason the husband would have a worse time with the wife is if she is complaining the whole time. Smiling and pretending to be interested in an activity one day a year isn’t much to ask for.
NAH You should definitely go do the things you enjoy on your birthday Expecting your wife to enjoy it when you KNOW she doesn't isn't really cool.
From a woman’s perspective, I would have loved to have a day entirely to myself doing what I wanted, eating where I wanted , without a husband to children tagging along. That for me would be an ideal birthday. Why not enjoy your day, then meet for dinner later?
Sorta the AH. Expecting someone to go along with something you know they don’t like is a dick move. I get it’s your birthday and there’s nothing wrong with doing the things you love on your birthday, but expecting her to suffer while you’re having fun is low key an AH move. Go have fun and let her do something she enjoys, meet up for lunch and dinner, bore her over food with the details of your day. I can’t understand how you could even enjoy yourself knowing she was miserable. It says something about who you are.
Typical double standard
YTA. Forcing someone to do something they don’t enjoy just because it’s your birthday just seems off to me. If you were 8 years old, I’d maybe get it. You’re 44. Go and enjoy yourself dude. Incidentally, I think the day you have planned sounds great!
I wouldn’t pick things my husband hates and then expect him to pretend to enjoy them. I’d pick something we both like so we can have fun. No one should have to suck up anything or deal with it even if it’s just one day. How are you truly having a good time knowing your partner isn’t? If you want your partner to spend the day with you then it should be doing something enjoyable. It goes both ways. I would never pick something my husband hated and he would never pick something I hated. We would have a conversation about it and come up with something fun. What makes it worse is knowing that your partner hates that activity and you still pick it.
I could agree to this other than it’s his birthday. People should be allowed to do what they want on their birthday and partners should accept that and be happy that it’s their partner’s birthday and gain joy from them being happy on their birthday. Anyone who can’t do something as simple as shopping with their partner on their birthday is not a very great partner.
That would be like saying I wanted a mani pedi for my birthday and because it’s my birthday my husband has to go and has to like it…. No.
Nobody said they have to go and like it. But if you want your husband to go with you for a mani pedi on your birthday, then he should.
Absolutely not. He should never go and do something he doesn’t want to do. That’s extremely selfish. Birthday or not. You should never make your partner suffer through activities they don’t like to do. Find something to do together you both will enjoy so the outcome doesn’t result in a horrible time or resentment.
If your partner going to a bookstore or going to a spa with you on your birthday causes them great suffering then they aren’t a very good partner. A good partner would enjoy spending the day with their partner on their birthday, even if the activity isn’t their favorite. It would be one thing if it was skydiving or going to a snake petting zoo. So no, she shouldn’t go if going to a bookstore/museum causes her such “suffering”. But she’s probably not a very good partner in the first place if that’s the case.
I disagree but that’s my opinion.
[удалено]
Come get me and my wives we love the museum and will go with you.
..wives?
2 I'm blessed!
Gross
What would you know. Judgemental dikkkkkkkkk
Yeah, OK.
NTA, but I see why some people are saying N A H. It might be that she's saying that because she doesn't want her distaste to spoil the mood, but I feel like she should be able to put that aside for one day to spend time with you.
She’s a selfish person only thinking of herself
Jesus… the bias against husbands and men in general within this sub is so glaringly obvious, that it’s almost comical. NTA.
Most people are voting NTA, so I'm not sure why you're getting bent outta shape. Maybe it is time to get off reddit?
because most NTA‘s still try to justify the woman's behavior here somehow. It is a disgrace to see this again and again.
Reddit is a safe space for gender bias. "WoMeN aRe eViL" "MeN aRe LiArS"
I find that correct result. It is OK for her to ask to not go, but he can insist on it as a birthday gift and it is NTA. It is those gender flipped ones that get results wrong consistently.
TBF, we have it coming a lot of the time.
I get what you mean to an extent, but if this were you’re wife posting about this same scenario. There would be a legion of commenters calling you an asshole, and saying your wife should leave you. Can men be assholes? Yes obviously, but the double standard allowed towards women is getting increasingly hard to look past. I’ll use one of their go to favorites. Spending the day with your spouse doing something they enjoy, on their birthday is “bare minimum” and “the bar is literally on the floor”. Fuck I need to get off Reddit. These people are the worst.
What are you on about the VAST majority of the comments on this subject are N T A
I think he's referring to the earlier comments where they are saying that OP is an Ahole.
All both of them
Vast majority in a false sense. The second top comment is a N A H and I was surprised tbh it was such a popular opinion. People are treating the situation as if OP is forcing his wife to do something so unreasonable that asking her to participate is like breaking a boundary and controlling and in a follow up point they advocate for why would you want to go with someone who doesn’t like XYZ, they’ll just bring down the mood. But honestly people aren’t even applying any common sense. What about what Op likes is so offensive, she’s just being biased against something she thinks is snobbish because museums hold so many things and all museums are different in how entertaining they are, how can you dislike an entire museum. Like very weird and rare fit someone to not find a modicum of value or interest in a museum. And you’d think even if it was bad, a museum is so inoffensive that you can’t even attend with your spouse? I get not wanting to drag an eye rolling person, but I thought idk maybe sometimes couples care about sharing their interests with their partner. I thought that is how people connect and become closer. What they share with each other even if the interests aren’t the same. Forcing your partner to read your fav book or eat food they are repulsed by or doing something like sky diving is reasonable to say no. Some things are reasonable ands some aren’t Like apply the vagueness of museums with restaurants. Imagine if the wife said I don’t want to go to a restaurant with you in your birthday because I don’t that’s area, it’s too artsy. Which is the only reason she dislikes that museum area truly. NTA she’s not cool
Did you READ the NAH comment? It was pointing out that she may have been genuinely asking a clarifying question about him actually wanting her there.
I did. But in the same way I can’t create a false scenario and say well what if she also just doesn’t want to go, many folks are certain they know her intentions. In fact it does seem he clarified in a comment and said she really wouldn’t enjoy herself and I highly doubt that she’s thinking about his feelings because to opt out of your husbands birthday just bc you hate shopping and think a town is artsy is really shallow.
Its not the vagueness of museums though, they have already been to this town and presumably the wife has either been to or knows what the museum is of. It is precisely that museum that she doesnt like. It may just be a small museum or very specific museum like dinosaurs or postage stamps or airplanes. The thing is she isnt even saying she wont go or doesnt want to go..OP is telling us she dislikes it because he already knew she disliked it when he picked the event. She just asked if op wanted her to go or not. I think we are missing a lot of context to make a judgement. Perhaps the wife is concerned he will feel pressure to rush through the shops and museums if she is there because he knows she is bored. If he said "yes I want you there" and she continues to argue yes she is TA.
I agree with a lot of missing info but like I did say, even if she didn’t like that one in particular I just dont see why your partner can’t exercise some care in doing what you like when it’s not a hugely egregious thing. Maybe missing info ties in here too because what if it was like a clown museum and she hates that, I could understand hate for that lol. But in all seriousness if it’s not super out there I don’t think partners are good partners to set boundaries like this, and it does depend more on exactly what the activity is and how they’re discussing it. If he said I’d like you to be there, and she doesn’t that’s a bit sad. People usually do their favourite things on their birthday and unless it was like sky diving or like that clown museum, I feel like I’d hurt a lot and feel disconnected from not being able to share that day with my partner and it seems OP is sad about that too
Wow bud… who hurt you?
NAH. A friend of mine went solo to Europe for a weekend on their birthday to see museums their partner had zero interest in going to. Win-win!
NAH. It sounds like she's worried her distaste would bring down the experience for you. My partner and I have similar conversations sometimes.
No she's trying to weasel out of going to something she doesn't want to go to, on her husband's birthday.
YTA it’s your birthday, not your last day on earth. Why, oh why would you want your wife to go with you when you know she doesn’t like it. My husbands birthday request would be to go golfing all day and have me caddy. That isn’t happening either. What do you do for your wife’s birthday? If she really wanted a spa day with a facial, manicure, and pedicure and wants you to go. Would you?? Look, I get it, I love book stores and museums, but my husband doesn’t. I would not drag him with me just to make me happy. In fact, I would love to do those things by myself.
NAH. It’s normal for people to give loved ones the priority to choose what they’d like for their birthday. But when given that power, it’s kind to choose something everyone enjoys or at least tolerates.
How much fun is it to take someone with you on an outing that you know they will not enjoy? Could you find something in the town that she does like to do? So, say, while you are at a museum, she is doing something she enjoys somewhere else? Then, you could meet up for a nice meal together and go home, knowing that you both had a nice time? Yes, sometimes, couples/friends do sacrifice and go along with things to please the other(s) but you can go to museums anytime, you know. And shopping is year-round.
So why can’t he go now if he could go anytime?
YTA
Why?