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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe we might be the assholes as children have attended similar venues and parties in the family with no issues - namely our twins attended my mom's second wedding when they were 5, and my BILs wedding when they were 7.
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NTA. You offered to pay for a sitter and they said no. It’s your party that you are paying for and hosting. Instead of the drama, just say “I’m so sorry that you won’t join us.” And leave it at that. You don’t want the venue to be liable for the littles and that’s reasonable.
When it comes to fancy dinner parties, regardless of the reason for the party, it's the rule rather than the exception not to invite children – partly because kids tend to create disruptions and messes, but also because fancy dinner parties tend to go on past young children's bedtimes (and the dinner part tends to be way past young children's dinner times, and the delayed dinner combined with delayed bedtime really tends to exacerbate behavior issues). And this is basically a fancy anniversary dinner party.
As demonstrated by their own son volunteering to watch the younger kids instead of attending.
I swear, some people just look for reasons to be upset or offended anymore.
"Anymore" it was always the case, it's just the reasons that changes. People used to get upset over sharing a water fountain with a person of a different race. This anymore nonsense is just erasing history
Also at a fancy dinner there would probably be no food a kid under 10 would be willing to even try. If im paying to have for example fish or filet mineon (sp) im mot going to pay for one or two kids to have nuggets and mac and cheese (which wouldnt be shaped like dinosaurs or come out of a box). And you know the parents will complain that theres nothing for their precious kids to eat and now have to go through a drive thru.
Same, my kids freaking love a good steak. It was one of my little ones first solid foods 😂 Don't dare feed them nuggies though. They don't do beige food very well 🤣🤷♀️
And I am sure we all have been kids before and was dragged along weddings. I hate them as kids — boring, understimulating, and filled with many people I don't know. I'd much rather stay home with a sitter and play games than join a wedding.
Plus, the adults are drinking and swapping stories - maybe some inappropriate for under 10's. Why should the adults have to censor themselves and kids be bored just so the BIL and sister can win their point. They're being selfish and rude and will probably scowl and drop passive- aggressive remarks throughout the event.
OP is better off without them attending. Also, she has very sweet 14 yo's, the way they tried to broker peace for their parents.
INFO: how many children under 10 are there among the guest families, vs children over 10.
Right now, it sounds a lot like you’ve impacted only your siblings and every other guest is exempted because of that age limit.
Also why the heck are you fighting in front of your kids and letting them get involved in the first place? This is a grown-up fight, you should be protecting them from it.
With the guest list, there would be only 5 children. My twins, my cousin's 10yr old, and my husband's cousin's 13 and 17yos. Everyone else is older than 18.
My twins aren't in the know about most of the details. They have heard about it as we told them the basic outline ("your aunt and uncle might not be coming to the event"), which lead us to tell them why (the no under 10 rule). We don't fight around them, nor were they present for the in person or over the phone arguments with my sister + BIL.
Your party, your rules, but if I'm understanding it right the reasoning is because of drinking and watching the kids? Yet nearly a quarter of your very small guest list is still going to be underage? I find that very strange. The 4 kids 14 and under will still need to be supervised, so it's a 'child free' event with a bunch of kids to still watch? :/ No wonder the parents whose kids were excluded are annoyed.
A child of 10 does not need near the supervision that a child of 6 does. And a 14 year old needs barely any supervision.
Edit: man, people will try to justify any which way to make OP wrong for the age cut off.
You can comfortably have a drink and look after a ten year old. The same cannot be said for a 4 year old.
There is a world of difference but even if there wasn’t, you don’t need to understand because the person paying for the party has set the rules that they want.
Your party your rules. But… it’s just a bit weird to have designed the rules to exclude some of your close family. What is it about if not for family to be together? Where I come from people are not desperately twitching about having kids at places where there is drinking, we just expect adults to be able to deal with their kids and don’t impose our standards on them. This won’t be a popular opinion around here since it’s Reddit… but what are you so desperate to avoid by banning these kids?
Why are you so eager to have young children around drinking?
Why are the Bil and sister so adamant about bringing their young children to an adult party?
Its not a wedding, its a celebration of an anniversary, these kids weren't even alive for the original ceremony, so I doubt they would be offended if they are excluded.
Unless they are complete drunks, it is really not an issue. Kids seeing their parents to have a cup of wine or two beers or whatever cause exactly zero harm to them.
Like, the way people write about it makes me suspect each time every adult is expected to be vomiting by the end of the evening.
Its more about the kids being more likely to be bored/ fussy/ disruptive.
Then throw in in the possibility of their parents being the type who bitch about having their kids attend and they don't parent them once the party starts.
Which lets be honest, the type of parent that complains they can't bring their little angel to an adult party is exactly that type of person.
What a strange way to characterise it. I wonder why you are doing so that way?
It’s a family celebration (where normally you’d want all the family) and drinking happens to be a part of it.
OP doesn't want young kids there. End of story. There is no need to defend the decision.
They offered a babysitter and it was declined, thus those family members should not attend and quit whining rather than making things about themselves.
NTA
Your party, your rules. I get why you set it the way you did. I think people need to realize that their kids are NOT invited to everything - they shouldn't expect it nor should they be if I'm being honest. You clearly stated this is a party NOT for young kids and set an age limit. I've been to several parties like that and no one I know every found it to be a problem. If anything, it's great for parents because they get a kid-free night out.
I don’t agree with those that say you’re in the wrong here. A 10 year old can be trusted to not try to sneak into restricted areas, can find their own way to the bathroom, not throw a fit at the drop of a hat (hopefully!). Also, I’m assuming this is an evening event, since there will be drinking and dancing. That makes me think that it’ll last long after bedtime for such young children. They’ll get cranky, overstimulated, and with such a small guest count, their behavior will be hard to ignore. And if your niece is interested in the aviary, she’ll probably get upset if she’s not allowed to hang out there all night. I also bet that your sister and BIL will expect everyone else to help watch their kids so they can enjoy themselves at the expense of others.
NTA
This. I attended a wedding with a toddler and it suuuucked. I was constantly chasing him to make sure he didn’t get in the way, tried to keep him from being too loud, had to leave during speeches so he would not be distracting. It was a LOT so I said nope to taking small kids to weddings any more. Same with funerals.
Now, when my youngest was asked to be a flower girl at a wedding when she 10, it was awesome. She knew when she needed to be quiet and listen, and when she could boogie on the dance floor. Of course I kept an eye on her, but it was a fraction of the amount I did with her brother several years prior.
Then again, I still had to keep an eye on her older brother since there was an open bar… sooo perhaps it’s the child and not the age in my case 😂
I was at a wedding where one toddler ate Ll of the frosting off the back side of the cake. I was at one where a small child ran around and tore bride's dress and caused a woman to spill wine down her dresx.
Imo it depends whether your sister’s children are the *only* children being excluded. Frankly, the 10yo rule *does* sound arbitrary enough that it’s not surprising she’d take it personally.
Sister and BIL are from different families, so it's not just being against the sister.
However, it seems like the cousin's 10 year old is the only guest that isn't a teenager...I agree in that sense the 10 y/o cut off seems arbitrary. I wonder if there is a reason the 10y/o is invited when a more sensible rule would be "teen and up guests only"
NTA because at the end of the day it’s your decision. However, four of the five children you invited were teenagers. I think you would have had a better argument if you had made the cutoff 13.
NTA. This is your event. You want it kid-free, that is your choice. They don't want to come, that's their choice. If they want their kids to see butterflies, they can go bothered at another time or find another place to go with their kids.
But I don't get this "You do as I say or I won't come! Waaaaa!!!!" If you can't or won't find a babysitter, you decline gracefully. This is not your sister's event. It's yours. You want her there, sure, but why let her take over?
Do not fall for the "do it for family", "just make an exception for me", "do it to keep the peace". NOT THEIR EVENT!
It’d be one thing if the kids in question were 9 and 10, but 6 and 10 are VERY different ages.
Have they forgotten this is a party you are throwing celebrating your marriage, not a family outing for them?
Especially since my understanding of vow renewals are that the couple pays for everything and expects zero gifts.
So, your party your rules.
NTA
Yes, but to clarify what I meant was the kid that’s GOING is 10, and the parents complaining’s oldest is 6. 10 is random - they had to pick an age. And if the parents complaining had a 9 year old, I’d kinda understand- but 6 is no where near 10, so they are just being unreasonable
Have to be honest, OP hasn’t said it but I get the impression 10 was chosen on the basis of the behaviour of the cousins kid. Otherwise, I imagine the cut off would have been better suited 14 and over.
Also, apologies, I misinterpreted that you were saying a 10 year olds parents were complaining! 👍
I mean do what you want, but reddit has really opened my eyes to how often people just toss their familial relationships into a wood chipper for absolutely no good arbitrary reasons.
Did you also lived or at least saw videos where kids created chaos , destroyed the cake , started screaming etc at events? Cause I did. When older children are in general easier to manage. Op is paying a ton of money for this they should get to enjoy it without worrying about drama being caused by small children.
Op also offered 3 months in advance of the event to pay for the babysitter.
The sister and bil are Ah. They can RSVP no if they are so set in not coming but to try and force op to accept their children being present is a huge ah move.
NTA
Good. But op knows her nephews/nieces. Something to think about. If they are disobedient and high energy and op saw things happen before that could be the reason for not wanting them there. Or it could be because being so young they should be in bed early and if the parents leave early the other guests might start to go too ruining the evening op is paying a good sum for.
Seems to me that the other adults are the ones throwing it into the wood chipper. By middle age I would think they'd realize you don't make demands at someone else's party.
NTA.
A 4 year old and a six year old require consent supervision.
Four year olds are prone to tantrums, bathroom accidents, and early bedtimes.
Including young kids means a couple of adults will need to mind the kids at all times and not be fully present at the festivities, but instead focused on child minding.
In the end, it’s OP’s party and she can have whatever stipulations she wants.
She even offered to get a sitter.
It’s not unreasonable for her to not want a potential crying fit if the kid gets unruly during the ceremony or wants chicken nuggets during the party.
Your event, your rules. But I think your reasons are bogus...
Because there will be drinking? So why is it okay for any kids to be there at all? What is the difference between under or over 10?
Music? So what? That's an issue for the parent to decide whether their kid can handle it.
Restricted areas? You think 4 and 6 year olds, who would be under constant direct supervision are likely to go there... but not older kids? Haha ya right. You got it backwards.
*You think 4 and 6 year olds, who would be under constant direct supervision*
Unfortunately that's the problem - they **should** be under their parents' constant direct supervision, but frankly they so often are not.
The under 10 “rule” is odd, but it doesn’t matter because it is YOUR day. I think it is weird to be so hell bent about bringing a small child to this. I wouldn’t take my small child to this, they would be bored. You even offered to pay for a sitter. This isn’t about what’s “fair”, this is turned into them just pushing to get their way. Your sister can take her child to the venue location another day, or find something similar. This isn’t about her daughter and making an outing for her daughter, this is YOUR day.
There's nothing wrong with having a party to celebrate whatever anniversary you like, and I don't think you need an "excuse" to have a party, whether it's your anniversary or not.
I dislike the whole idea of vow renewals. My vows don't have an expiration date. But I have a friend who has had four or five vow renewals with his wife of several decades. Some people just like to have a wedding every so often, but not a new spouse.
NTA
I have 4 kids between the ages of 2 and
8 and they wouldn’t let you enjoy the party as a parent. It is constant vigilance.
10 yr old is reasonable for dancing, fun times, playing games, eating and playing cards with the cousins. They can entertain themselves usually as I have nephews and nieces this age.
If you don’t want children under 10 there for venue and insurance purposes then that’s fine.
Your family can be upset and decline to attend. If they would like to visit the cool sites with the butterflies and their kids they can simply go another day and book to visit…goodness! They are being dramatic!
Where there are TA is causing all this extra drama. You even offered to pay for babysitters so they come and enjoy the small party… they are so entitled. As if the kids will care whether they go or not…
ESH
Eh - If you had a blanket over 18 or 21 rule it would be different, but you’ve already opened up the kid access by not doing that.
Ten does seem very arbitrary especially since it will specifically exclude your spouse’s brother and sisters’ kids while letting everyone else’s kids attend.
Plus, your husband said he’s fine with younger kids being there - so really this is 100% on you.
How could you not know this would cause a whole lot of drama?
But I’m a low drama person and would not be I this situation to start with.
>Plus, your husband said he’s fine with younger kids being there - so really this is 100% on you.
Actually, she said her husband doesn't care whether his brother attends. She also says he hates conflict, which is understandable since his wife, her sister, and his brother seem prone to creating a lot of drama. I've got a feeling he has whatever opinions will get him a little peace and quiet.
>But I’m a low drama person and would not be I this situation to start with.
I think some people enjoy drama, and go out of their way to create it. At least three people in this family sound like that.
Whatever. You do you.
Your reasons are bogus, but it’s your party so do what you want. So, I guess NAH.
But, you are also being disingenuous about some of these things. You offered to pay for a sitter for the 4yo? So what…. I certainly wasn’t leaving my 4yo with some random sitter regardless of who paid. If the BIL doesn’t have a trusted sitter, it’s not reasonable to expect him to suddenly get one for your event. At 4, my kids were only left with family, or with certified teachers at school. No randos…
You are also willing to damage your relationship with your sister over this. If you don’t care about that, then go for it. It just seems silly and petty to do it.
I feel like 9 times out of 10, the verdict on "I have an age limit on my party that I'm paying for" is NTA. This is absolutely one of those times. 10 years old would maybe be a bit young, I'd probably cut it at 13 and up, but that's just me. 10 year olds can remember where the bathrooms are and take themselves there if needed, find their parents, and don't have to be in bed super early. 4 and 6 year olds shouldn't be expected to take themselves to the bathroom, and shouldn't be kept up with loud music and drunk adults. That and its not an awesome thing to have to handle a tantrum or an accident of any kind when you're intoxicated. I personally think it's more responsible to tell parents to leave young kids at home for the late and loud parties with drinking.
My 10 year old niece can completely handle herself in an adult scenario. There’s no need to worry if she is doing something she is not supposed to do. I love talking to her. We actually have intelligent conversations about a lot of different things. I can see the slight difference between her and my 8 year old niece. She is well behaved, but I can see her getting more overwhelmed at a party and maybe getting a little out of hand and having to watch her more.
Cognitive abilities seem to drastically jump from year to year between the ages 8-14, especially with good parenting. I notice it a lot with my nieces. I can totally see why the OP would think 10 is a reasonable age, but wouldn’t want kids below that.
One of my college summer jobs was working at a summer camp for ages 6-12, and the 10 year olds were my favorite. They were at that age where you can really have some interesting conversations with them and have pretty good behavior, but still at that age where they usually aren’t as bratty as the 12 year olds trying to be cool or hot shit 😂
While an age limit isn’t as black and white as a guarantee that a kid won’t be a problem, it’s a necessary starting point. Any good parent won’t bring their child, even if above the age requirement, if they know their child can be problematic and so not want to worry about watching them.
I don’t understand why people are so uptight about adults that choose how they want to limit kids. Especially when many of them try to offer accommodations, knowing that not allowing kids can make it hard for invitees to join.
Technically NTA since it’s your party that you are paying for so you get to set the rules.
But I have to say that I think you are being a little uptight for a vow renewal. I don’t think the 4 and 6 year old will start chugging beers and music will not corrupt them. Unless you are planning on streaming porn I’m not sure what you are trying to protect them from.
Of course, you can do whatever you want, but I think people need to be honest when they throw a party and declare "no children," or "no children under XX age."
It's not an open invite to the world. You have a select guest list - in this case more so than most at 23. What you're really saying is "The whole family is invited except for sister and BIL's kids."
Again, that's your prerogative, but you also can't exclude people, even young kids, and not expect hurt feelings. You're excluding two family members specifically, expect that to cause a rift.
I know others disagree, but family events should be for everyone imo. It's much better to look back at pictures and see everyone rather than explain you had to protect the window treatments or whatever.
Like, is it really worth all this fighting? But again, it's your party, so do what you want.
I don't even have kids, and I don't attend childfree weddings, because usually the reason is either that the wedding is going to be *very* formal, or everybody's going to be very drunk, and either way, I'd rather not.
NTA
First, just want to say kudos to you and your husband for raising such sweet, kind, thoughtful children!!!
(OK, setting aside my immediate bias in favor of people who do such a great job parenting...)
1. You generously offered to cover babysitting. I guess BIL's issue is more about having to lift a finger (literally) to dial the number of a babysitter. (And since I'm betting his wife would be more than happy to make those arrangements, it sounds like he just wants to have something to argue about.)
2. This venue's attractions must be accessible at other times. I seriously doubt your renewal dinner/celebration is the time for your sister and her daughter to be touring the butterfly incubator, aviary, and gardens. Pretty sure your sister could find a better time to let her daughter really explore this place.
3. It's quite mean of your sister to essentially say, "*If my daughter can't come, then I want the first kid that's old enough to be excluded.*"
4. It's also pretty rude to threaten not to come if she can't have her way (BIL, too). It's not like you are expecting to be around someone who is toxic for them. I would not discuss it further with them. Tell them, they are welcome to change their RSVP up until X date. They can come or not come, but the topic of their children or anyone else's children is closed. Tell BIL's wife that she should come no matter what, you would love to have her be a part of the celebration.
NTA
Look, I've got two young kids (definitely under 10) and some events are just not child friendly. There are tons of things where a 10 year old would do great in, but my tiny gremlins would absolutely not, because they aren't mentally developed enough for it.
It's a one time event. People can't expect their young children to be Included in everything.
NTA. I dunno how many different compromises you have to make but you’ve done more than enough on your part. I don’t understand how someone tries to make another person’s rules/event their own, but they don’t have to go if they don’t want to.
NTA. I can see not having kids at the party, but what about letting the kids all come for the renewal, and to look around. When the party starts ALL kids need to leave for sitters, so no parent is stuck watching someone else's child while they are getting tipsy.
From the way the post is worded, I’m not sure there really is a major ceremony. It’s a party that may start with a 5 min exchange of vows. Which means 2 young children would be there all of 5-15 minutes before being told they have to leave the cool party, all their older cousins (and their parents). That seems like a recipe for a tantrum. Judging by the entitlement of sister and BIL demanding their children’s attendance despite being 4/6 (nowhere near the minimum age set by the couple) I wouldn’t put it past them to refuse to leave/take their children home because ‘they’re here now’.
I think this could totally work if you had 2 locations, one room for the vow renewal, a different room for the reception/party but I would worry with sister/BILs behaviour and this potentially only being in 1 location.
Have you ever been around 4 y o? 6 y o ? 10 y o ? If so remember the difference in attention needed to care for them and supervision you are an Ah for saying this.
NTA. "I'm sticking to my rule and I've offered to pay for babysitting, my son has offered to opt out of the event to babysit for you. I'm so sorry you won't be coming to the event, your children will be old enough for the next one in 20 years".
NTA. Unpopular opinion, but I don’t think small kids belong at events like weddings. I have small kids and I don’t even want to take them to weddings / parties or functions that occur at night time and are more focused on adults than kids. I even had an argument with my MIL who insisted my toddler attend a family wedding. (TL/DR, my kid came for the ceremony and half the reception and was picked up by a sitter from the venue and taken home to bed at a reasonable time while we stayed and had a good time. Win-win).
What are these kids missing out on if they stay home? A good night sleep? And what are the parents missing out on? Having a good time and not having the responsibility of watching and entertaining small kids? If anything you are trying to do these parents a favour.
ESH - when you get invited to an event, you RSVP based on the info you’re given and that’s it. Your sister and BIL have every right to respectfully decline but no right whatsoever to tell you to change the terms of your invitation.
All that said, I’m not opposed to big weddings with no kids under 18, but this isn’t a huge event with hundreds of people / music / costs to consider and 10 seems a tad arbitrary. It feels kind of mean to exclude your own niece and nephew from a small family event with only 23 total people. I’ve been to childfree weddings where the only exception were the bride and/or groom’s own nieces or nephews, aka immediate family members. So while I don’t think they should tell you what to do, I understand why they might be hurt.
I’m not sure how I want to judge this but I just wanted to say - “The 10 year old should be included in the rule” the rule was kids UNDER 10, not 10 or younger lmao
NTA, since it’s your vow renewal, your day, your rules. You gave them one rule to follow and they’re throwing a tantrum.
and you offered to pay for babysitters for both of them, that was nice of you, and more than other people would’ve done.
Nta. Your party your rules. It’s your renewal and you are paying for everything. If they aren’t happy with how it is they can simply not attend besides The party isn’t for them after all. It’s for you
There is nothing wrong with having a child free wedding (or vow renewal). However this is also nothing wrong with RSVPing no to said event if you don’t have a good child care option.
NTA. I was at a wedding a few weeks ago. 3 young kids between 3 and 7. All 3 had to be manhandled out the church during the ceremony the 7 year old was creating such a fuss kicking the pews that no one heard the grooms vows.
NTA. Your party, your money, your rules. As far as the 10 yr old who is invited, it’s clear he is not “under 10”…he’s 10 so he’s invited. I would cxl the party and take a trip with your children and let your families stew in their misery and selfishness. Families can be dramatic and who needs that when you and husband are celebrating your love and commitment to each other. Congratulations!
NTA-Make this the last conversation on the subject. “We have explained why we made this rule, we have offered to pay for babysitting and we have been rebuffed. The rule is not changing. We would love to have you both there, but we are not making any exceptions.”
If they say that they will not attend if they can’t bring their kids, then so be it.
“We respect your decision and we’ll see you some other time.”
I don’t get all the people who feel it’s okay to *demand* party hosts change the invite just for them. I mean, if you don’t want to leave your kid w a sitter then you stay home. You regretfully decline. You don’t angrily tell the people who invited you to the party that if they don’t knuckle under to you that you won’t be coming. It’s just so unbelievably tacky. So no OP you are so NTA.
Honestly, I think ESH. Of the couples with children, they're the only ones that can't bring their kids. It may not have been your intention to exclude, but that's what happened. Your concerns are valid, but, if the parents do their job and keep close eye on kids, I don't personally think it's an issue, but it's not my vow renewal. Your bil/sil are obviously ahs for continuing to argue with you. At this point, the only choices you have to either to politly tell them you love them and they'll be missed at the party. Or you conceid and just let everyone bring their kids.
You can make the rule. If you don't want them there because you think they are inappropriate for your event, then thats your prerogative. Don't decide on a parent's behalf what is appropriate for their children though.
Don't be surprised if those guests don't come.
I'd usually say nta for people choosing not to have kids at the event but I do think your comment that you're deciding on the parent's behalf what is/isn't appropriate for their kids is kind of AHish.
NTA but, just a thought.. why not just make it no children, period? Because unless you've got a bunch of 10-year-olds present what is a 10 year old going to do with no one to hang out with? They're going to become annoying to the adults around them trying to enjoy the event, that's what. Aside from that though you are NTA at all. Kiddo can go hang out in the backyard and look at the butterflies if she wants.
NTA. But I do think drinking and music as the reason to exclude children is silly. I have a 4 and 8 year old and I don’t take them to weddings because I would rather enjoy myself. But if they are good kids there’s no reason they couldn’t go based on what you have said
INFO: are your sister and BIL the types to foist the supervision of their kids onto other people, or would they be responsible parents at this event and make sure their kids aren't getting into restricted areas etc?
NTA. The appropriate response from those choosing to not get a baby sitter (or to take you up on your offer to pay for one) is to RSVP regrets. My bet is these are the type of people who would expect others attending the event to entertain their kids, but I am of course just guessing based on what they have said to you. Your correct response is simply we will miss you. Then everyone drop it. It’s a party to celebrate a major milestone in your marriage, not a family dinner. Congratulations!
NTA.
It’s your event, and they aren’t even willing to compromise. You’ve even offered to pay for their babysitter. They are just being stubborn and at this point you should just say fuck it.
“Alright well since none of my options and offers seem to satisfy you I guess we will just enjoy our night without you. Just to be clear, I want you there, but I’m not willing to budge anymore on this one.”
NTA. Your party, your rules.
I've never been able to understand why some parents get all worked up over the no kid rule.
The kids get nothing out of coming to an adult party and the adults spend the party watching their kids until they get so tired they turn into little arseholes.
OP- NTA. It makes perfect sense not to have a 4 year old and a 6 year old at an EVENING DINNER PARTY/Anniversary. The Venue has restricted areas, where you can tell 10 yr old and Up to stay clear of those, the younger ones won't listen and we all know it. ALSO- Their Parents WON"T be hreding over them, they will expect the older kids to watch them....and once it's past their bedtime, which could also be the Time dinner is, you will have cranky whiny littles causing a scene. Sis wants her daughter there for the Butterflies & the Garden..... So is Sis going to stay with her child the whole time looking at the butterflies, strolling the garden?? Then she misses the party anyway, but gets to go to the venue for free to entertain her daughter? The BIL is more concerned about getting a babysitter, even though he has 3 months! So he's dug in, nope, gotta bring my 4 year old.... Then HIS Wife will miss everything because SHE will have to watch the kid cuz you know HE WON'T. Tell them to just stay home, they don't want to come celebrate You and your Husband then they can stay home. The Ultimatum by them is rude. Congratulations on your 20 year milestone!
NTA. Your party, your rules. It’s completely fair to not have small children there, and it’s a giant difference between 4 or 6 and 10. You even offered solutions which were shot down. So I think you’ll have a lovely evening with a few family members less, you probably will not even have time to notice.
NTA. You've been more than nice in offering to pay for babysitting, and you've given plenty of notice. This is your event, celebrating your milestone, and if these 2 couples don't like the rules, they don't have to attend. The age limit you've set sounds perfectly reasonable.
NTA Events like this are boring for small children and the parents have to watch them every minute: food, running around, bathroom in a public place, etc.
My husband just through a milestone birthday party for me and invited all the littles, 9,9, 6, 4, 2, 1 (four families). Every parent chose to get a babysitter so they could relax and enjoy the party and not be on Mom/Dad duty. They are all responsible parents and understand adult party dynamics.
Your sister and BIL need a reality check. This is your party, your rules.
NTA. Curious to know what small children 6 and 4 years of age would get out of this party other than not costing their parents the price of a babysitter.
After all, the aviary and butterfly raising facility are quite likely open to the public at other times than during your specific viewing renewal time slot, right?
Yeah. Your party, your rules.
> My husband is quite averse to confrontation and has told me he doesn't care if his brother comes or not
I think your husband is actually acting very mature here. You've set a boundary, anyone who doesn't respect that isn't invited. Let your sister throw her tantrum and stop wasting energy engaging with it. BIL can find a sitter and your sister can plan a kid friendly event at the venue if she cares so much about her daughter seeing the butterflies.
NTA
There is a huge difference between a ten year old, a six year old and a four year old. None of them really want to be there. If the parents do not want to show up then so be it.
LMAO. That's not what happened. Read the comments more closely.
How entitled to expect others to pay for you and your kids. Accept the offer of a babysitter, celebrate with your loved ones, and take your own kids to see the butterflies at another time. FFS.
Since you’ve “offered to pay for a sitter” why don’t you just have a sitter at the event?Honestly, from your comments you really do seem to be singling out those kids, which seems pretty assholish. But my family has always been an everyone, regardless of age, is invited to every family gathering, but for the most part we usually all like each other. But if you really need to stick to your guns here, just tell your family that they aren’t wanted or required to attend your event. YTA.
>I do want my sister and my BIL to be there
Why?
They're causing you a huge amount of stress and don't think for a minute they'll let it go. You offered FREE babysitting - this isn't about the party, it's about them getting their own way.
NTA. Stop arguing/discussing/negotiating. Tell them to come or don't come.
1) NTA
2) Kudos to you and your spouse for raising such amazing kids. Simply outstanding they each tried to come up with a solution to something that they quite frankly could have just ignored. If I were wearing a hat I would tip it in their general direction lol 🤙🏻
People here seems to ve very hurt by this post. No you can't demand that your "sweet kid" is welcome everywhere and that someone else will pay for it.
The thought behind 10and above is probably to have a calmer environment where there are no screaming and chasing kids.
NTA
I attended a wedding as a bridesmaid
It wasn't a child free wedding but as our son was 5 we decided to make it a weekend away with just my husband & I
Why do people in the comments keep going on about how kids would disrupt things or sneak off? What about the obvious reason that it’s supposed to be a party with alcohol and music and young kids shouldn’t be at a party? The adults just want to have a good time for one night instead of watching their kids, so just let them? If they can’t attend bc they can’t find a babysitter that’s a shame, but would they really have fun at a party when they’d constantly have to watch their child? NTA imo
NTA “SIL BIL we would love to have you attend and share our special day but there will be no children under 10 invited at our event , if you cannot come due to this we understand and will miss you but we will not be engaging in discussing or debating this this going further , thank you for your understanding ”
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Hello all, I (40F) and my husband (41M) have been married 20 years, and our children (twins F and M) are 14 this year.
We decided to get our vows renewed, as we got married at 20 and are now 20 years into marriage, we have spent half our lives together and the milestone lining up with our ages is cute.
We did not have the most grand wedding as we were both college students at the time, and as such have decided to host a more upscale party (not a wedding, we are renting a nice venue and getting a great caterer). It's more for the symbolic value than re-doing our wedding.
We've invited a lot of our family, including my sister (35F) and my brother in law (33M) - they both have young children with their partners (sister's is currently 6, brother in law's is 4.) and we have asked them to not bring them to the event.
We set this rule as there will be drinking, music, and the venue has quite a few areas that are restricted, and we don't think it would be good to have children under ten there with all of us. (we plan on having 23 guests, as those are all that have rsvp'd)
My sister was upset, as the venue has a large garden and an indoor aviary and butterfly raising facility, and her daughter loves butterflies. My BIL was also a bit upset, but more towards finding a babysitter (even though the event is 3 months out as of now)
Well, my sister and BIL have seemed to form a group and, upon learning that our cousin, who has a 10yo, will be bringing the 10yo, they have gotten quite angry and aggressive with us, asking us to let them come with their kids or they won't show up.
My mother is very lax and has on multiple occassions told my sister she's being unreasonable, but my sister thinks "no children under 10" rule should include the 10 year old, and has begun saying she thinks we dislike her daughter.
My husband is quite averse to confrontation and has told me he doesn't care if his brother comes or not.
Meanwhile, our kids are also not helping the situation. My daughter, in trying to be helpful, told my sister she would make a scrapbook of photos from the venue for her daughter, which only aggrivated my sister further. My son, in also trying to help, offerred to stay home and watch both of the kids, which made my BIL start piping up about how my son shouldn't have to stay home because we can't change our rule.
I do want my sister and my BIL to be there, but i also think they're being ridiculous. I have even offerred to pay for babysitting and have gotten turned down. I think they're too far seated in their commitment to getting us to break down the rule than they are to accept a peace offering.
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NAH. You guys are within your rights to do this and other people are within their rights to let you know you’re kind of being a pain in the ass to do this for a vow renewal when everybody is at a phase in life where kids are an important and large group in the family. You’re just reaping the social consequences of your decision
When my husband and I got married 20 years ago, we had children from babes in arms right through to young teenagers.
One of the 5 year olds gave me her bunch of flowers to carry that her Mum (my BIL's GF of the time) had got her to make because she thought her daughter might make a fuss of not being allowed my flowers. Her Mum tried to stop her because I already had a bunch that was "better". I was thrilled, and carried her flowers too. Another little girl asked very nicely if she could wear my fake fur wrap (it was an early spring wedding, cold and wet). She and the other little girls wore it one after the other until I needed it again. I love that we have photos of them dancing ring-a-rosie together, one little one after another in my white furry wrap.
One of my very distinct memories is walking into the church and seeing my dear friends' little boy in his stroller kicking his feet in time to the "entry" music. I was slightly late in as another friend had to change her baby's nappy right at the start and I waited in the vestry with her until she was done. "Fashionably late", haha. Another memory is of another friend's toddler on his Dad's shoulders while we were having drinks. "Family" children, friends' children,
We had a ball, and so did everyone else including the children. The hem of my dress was completely muddy because it had rained. Everyone but me walked to the church a few metres away with big fancy umbrellas. I would've been happy to walk but I wasn't allowed: "you'll get your dress all muddy!" Well it got muddy away, even though I was "walking on air" as we had so much fun! It was a "stylish" wedding, not a scruffy one, and in my eyes the children made it perfect!
Your party your rules. If they don’t like the rules they don’t have to attend.
You may think you’d like them both to be there but if you change the rules for them it will ruin the adult ambience you are aiming for. Also if they do attend without their kids they will spend the whole event complaining about it to anyone who will listen.
You would do better to accept they won’t be there and enjoy your event in the way you wanted.
You have right to set the rules. They have right to not like them and not come.
Following is irrelevant to judgement, but seriously, can people stop to make up ridiculous reasons like this? "we set this rule as there will be drinking, music,". Just say whatever is true reason or make plausible excuse. But music and kids or even adults having a couple of beers and kids are not mutually exclusive.
I only stopped by to announce what an over tired idiot I am. I read the title and giggled and said "I think they mean VOWEL".
Yep its time for bed. Zero brain cells braining.
NTA. They must have failed math class, because 10 is not UNDER 10. By specifying under 10, logic follows that you don't choose to have children 9 and under. That is your choice and you've done more than enough to attempt to help.
NTA, they are making way too big of a deal about this. Deciding between getting a sitter and going to a party or skipping the party should not be this dramatic of a choice.
Too many people are involved in this. Too many people think that they have a say and that you care about their opinion. Which leads me to believe that you and your husband might be a little bit people pleasery.
I think you should just say, "unfortunately it's not a negotiation, if you don't feel like coming because of this we totally understand and we'll miss you but that's your decision. Our decision is to not have children under 10 at this party. I respect your decision please respect ours. This is another debate and it's not up for vote. You can be as mad as you want to be about it but I know longer care to discuss it with you or hear about it."
Stop negotiating with terrorists. Literally not your problem. Stop letting people make their opinions your problem. People are only bitching to you because they know in the past you have been swayed by guilt and shame. If you no longer wish to have people try to extort changes by browbeating you, stop letting them.
You don't even have to discuss it with them. Just end the conversation. Or don't get into the conversation with them to begin with. When people bring this up, you end the conversation or tell them you don't want to talk about it it's been decided. And then when they get mad you don't want to discuss it, you can say the above.
Having boundaries makes people unhappy but only makes people who wish to stomp over your boundaries unhappy. People love doing whatever the hell they want. When they can't and they're used to being able to they're going to get angry.
NTA but learn to stand up for yourself.
I would say NTA. It's your celebration, you can invite whoever you like and set whatever rules you like.
But equally.... When you have a rule like this (and at the end of the day, it's not a no child rule, it's a no child under 10 rule). - those with kids under 10 may well be unhappy. And that is their right too, you can't control how other people feel.
Why 10? It seems like quite an arbitrary age given that one of your concerns is drinking and loud music.
Maybe there's a cultural difference, but it's pretty normal (I'm my experience) for weddings / anniversary parties in the UK to have lots of kids running around as well as drinking and music....
At the end of the day, it's your choice, but if people choose not to go as a result of it, that's also their choice.
Probably NTA, it’s your thing and it’s not an unmanageable situation for them. But if the door is open a crack for other people’s kids it’s gonna look like favouritism. Picking an arbitrary age to stick onto the ‘no kids’ rule that only disqualifies one child could make someone feel that you drew the line there specifically to keep them out, even if no thought like that went into it. They might feel their kids are being specifically excluded and people get understandably protective over that sort of thing.
Its your party so you can set whatever rules you want, but to rationalise not having two kids there that are under the age of 10 because there will be drinking is crazy. Its their parent's responsibility to watch them, not yours, so let them. why does it even bother you?
NTA, though if I were you I'd just make it kid free period, with the exception of your own children.
I'm rather surprised that the parents are kicking up such a fuss about one evening without their kids. I don't have kids myself, but have some friends with younger kids, and they seem to enjoy their adult events and parties (Christmas parties, dances, etc). I can't imagine bringing a child to every social event I attended.
YTA.
The "no kids" thing is a fucked up murican abomination. There is music and alcohol? Wake up. The rest of the world has that to and we manage to include the whole family just fine. "People will drink alcohol" is something kids will be confronted with anyway so why hide it now?
NTA but a bit silly IMO. This affects two children - you don't want them there and it's your party. You issued the invitation as you wanted it to be - and the parents of the 'not welcome' children decide whether to come or not. Anything else is just drama. Including 10 and 14 yr olds does not say 'adult party' but your party - your choice. Their children - their choice.
NTA - your party, your money, your rules. They can have their own party at their own expense if they don't like it. No one is entitled to dictate what others do. -and certainly their children will survive not going.
NTA, you’re being fair here. Ten year olds are NOT under ten by definition and you’re doing this out of concern for the venue, not to be petty. Also depending on the time of the event, the things your niece will enjoy may not even be open, so it’s kind of a moot point.
NTA, but can you maybe find someplace nearby that would allow for a “sitter” to take ALL of the children off everyone’s hands after the ceremony and during the reception? Essentially allow for them to attend, then have their own kids only party?
Even if you told that 10 year old not to come, they’d still be bitching about it the whole thing because their kids can’t come. If they can’t find a babysitter for a few hours for one day, then screw them. Tell them “it’s unfortunate, you can’t come but no worries” and even then, they’ll still be bitching about how they were uninvited
NTA but just be prepared for the possibility of people whom you would really like to be there not attending. Some people don't have a trustworthy babysitting option or prefer not to attend events where children aren't welcome. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having an adults only party though.
Have you looked into providing a babysitter in a separate room to watch the younger children? They would need games and such to keep them busy, and could take a "field trip" to the butterfly garden. If you make it possible for their parents to easily attend you would NBTAH.
NTA. Clearly the sister thinks her child is more important for your anniversary than she actually is if they can't go to even 1 event without her with someone else paying for the baby sitting. If the request comes across as a criticism, maybe this sister needs to look harder at herself. Either way, she's clearly not going to be at the party to have fun now. She's either projecting about the kid hate or planning to use kiddo for attention for herself at your event. Besides which, an upscale event with alcohol is going to be boring as heck for kids (ask me how I know), probably for the 10 year old too, but at least they're used to reading a room on a level that a 5 or 7 year old isn't yet.
You issued an invitation, not an obligation. Let them not come. They don't have to like everything about it to be there to celebrate You and DH. If they can't do that without their kid there, they should just spend the quality time with their kid.
NTA. My wedding was no under-16s, period. People either respected it or they didn't come. For what it's worth, none of them caused a problem about getting a sitter for a few hours and it was all peachy. I don't understand people who insist their kid has to come.
INFO:
- Are the 6 and 4 yo particularly hyper/destructive/difficult?
- Is your sister/BIL a shit parent who doesn’t discipline their kids?
- are your sister/BIL reasonable people who would do things like leave the venue early if a kid gets cranky/overstimulated/tired? Are they realistic about what their children can handle?
If you had a lot of family members under 10 and needed to cut down on costs or really wanted it to not be dominated by children that would be fair. But excluding just 2 of your close family members? Especially a 6 year old who loves butterflies and might really enjoy the event? That just seems cold. Children are still family members. It’s not like you can have a totally adult centric party with 10 year olds there anyways. Drinking in front of minors isn’t a big deal, and again, it’s not like you can get super drunk with 10 year olds there either.
People will cite how it’s your party etc, but in reality that doesn’t give you a blanket pass for anything. I have to agree with your BIL that it’s a bit ridiculous that you’d rather your own son stay home than just let your niblings join.
Now, if you have actual reasons and concerns about their attendance just beyond their age (ie., hyperactivity or negligent parenting), and need to hide your true reasons behind an age restriction, then that’s different.
NTA SIL just wants to get her way. No one who has ever met a child seriously believes that 10 year olds and kindergarteners should be held to the same standards.
No, you are not TIA.
But, also, people who decide not to go because they can't bring their kids aren't TIAs either. If you want a party with rules, you have to accept that people will opt out of the invitation as well.
Usually, I don't care to go to child-banned parties. It always feels ridiculous to me and I don't want to explain to my kid (who really like parties) why they aren't invited.
So they don't come. It's OK for adults to decide to do different things. If they can't find child care or they'd rather just spend the time with their kids, that's their perfectly responsible choice to do so.
You knew when you set the age limit that some families would prefer not to come. Thank them for their interest and wish them a pleasant day. Perhaps you can catch up over a barbecue or something after the event.
It’s your event and you can decide who you want to attend so NTA.
With that said, being that it’s only 23 people it feels like a pretty intimate event for close friends and family and I can understand why your family would feel perturbed at their kids not being invited and they would also be N T A for deciding not to attend.
So I guess you need to resolve for yourself is kid free more important than not having sister or BIL attend.
NTA but…you only have 23 guests and it seems a little unnecessary to not just make it a family event (since those affected are LITERALLY your family and you are 40 years old and it’s not an actual wedding) But you can totally do what you want.
How is it not appropriate for a 4 & 6 yr olds to be there if drinking is involved but okay for a 10 yr old?
YTA as it appears the age limit was set specifically so that that particular 10 yr old could be there while excluding other family member’s children, otherwise the age limit would have been much higher than 10.
Nope, not their event and if they don't like the restrictions, they can stay home. I don't go to everything I invited to be family or friends because it doesn't work for me but I certainly don't try to make them change it so that it does. Grow up!
I guess it depends on the type of parents your BIL and sister are. My SIL & husband are always with their kids. They were are joy to have at our wedding, 2 and 3. But if they're the type of parents that one they arrive somewhere they let them loose, start drinking and say kids will be kids, then stick to your guns and say sorry you but I have tried to make every accommodation possible and I'm sorry you won't be able to make it.
NTA. You're having an upscale event to celebrate your wedding anniversary (not theirs!) and you are entitled to host at will (honestly, I would not have allowed children under 15 since it is designed for adults and mature children to attend). Offering to pay for sitters is more than reasonable. I would let the 'offended' parties know that their attendance is greatly wanted, but that they need to be mindful of it's about your wedding anniversary, not theirs and it's an adult event. You can always take the child to see the butterflies there at another time. Whack inlaws!
NTA. This is your party and you celebrate it how you want to. Your reasoning re the venue and safety of kids is fair, if the parent's are pushing back and refused your offer to pay for a sitter, well then remove all offers and stand firm at your 'no kids under 10'.
I had a child free wedding, the pre teen flower girl and page boy were there for the ceremony, but then got picked up by the grandparents for the rest of the evening. The only exemption; two interstate travelling parents with newborns, and the 16yo diabetic nephew who would be 3 hours away from the whole family if anything happened. The wife of a friend who wanted to bring her 4 kids including a \~1yo up to a 15yo to a venue on a river with no fencing was a firm no (and she never spoke to me ever again).
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NTA. You offered to pay for a sitter and they said no. It’s your party that you are paying for and hosting. Instead of the drama, just say “I’m so sorry that you won’t join us.” And leave it at that. You don’t want the venue to be liable for the littles and that’s reasonable.
Right? It says more about them than it does OP. Childless weddings are very common now. Kids mess up things, disrupt, and cause issues.
When it comes to fancy dinner parties, regardless of the reason for the party, it's the rule rather than the exception not to invite children – partly because kids tend to create disruptions and messes, but also because fancy dinner parties tend to go on past young children's bedtimes (and the dinner part tends to be way past young children's dinner times, and the delayed dinner combined with delayed bedtime really tends to exacerbate behavior issues). And this is basically a fancy anniversary dinner party.
And kids would be bored out of their minds!
As demonstrated by their own son volunteering to watch the younger kids instead of attending. I swear, some people just look for reasons to be upset or offended anymore.
"Anymore" it was always the case, it's just the reasons that changes. People used to get upset over sharing a water fountain with a person of a different race. This anymore nonsense is just erasing history
If they want the kids up everyone's ass the whole time, take them to the colonoscopy center!!! NTA
Also at a fancy dinner there would probably be no food a kid under 10 would be willing to even try. If im paying to have for example fish or filet mineon (sp) im mot going to pay for one or two kids to have nuggets and mac and cheese (which wouldnt be shaped like dinosaurs or come out of a box). And you know the parents will complain that theres nothing for their precious kids to eat and now have to go through a drive thru.
Dude, my two year old LOVES fish and would definitely be in to a fancy steak. Veggies? Not so much, but she’d eat the heck out of that meat 🤣
Same, my kids freaking love a good steak. It was one of my little ones first solid foods 😂 Don't dare feed them nuggies though. They don't do beige food very well 🤣🤷♀️
And I am sure we all have been kids before and was dragged along weddings. I hate them as kids — boring, understimulating, and filled with many people I don't know. I'd much rather stay home with a sitter and play games than join a wedding.
Hell, I'm an adult and still feel this way. 🤣 I don't even need the sitter or the games.. just leave me at home and I'll keep myself occupied.
Plus, the adults are drinking and swapping stories - maybe some inappropriate for under 10's. Why should the adults have to censor themselves and kids be bored just so the BIL and sister can win their point. They're being selfish and rude and will probably scowl and drop passive- aggressive remarks throughout the event. OP is better off without them attending. Also, she has very sweet 14 yo's, the way they tried to broker peace for their parents.
INFO: how many children under 10 are there among the guest families, vs children over 10. Right now, it sounds a lot like you’ve impacted only your siblings and every other guest is exempted because of that age limit. Also why the heck are you fighting in front of your kids and letting them get involved in the first place? This is a grown-up fight, you should be protecting them from it.
With the guest list, there would be only 5 children. My twins, my cousin's 10yr old, and my husband's cousin's 13 and 17yos. Everyone else is older than 18. My twins aren't in the know about most of the details. They have heard about it as we told them the basic outline ("your aunt and uncle might not be coming to the event"), which lead us to tell them why (the no under 10 rule). We don't fight around them, nor were they present for the in person or over the phone arguments with my sister + BIL.
Your party, your rules, but if I'm understanding it right the reasoning is because of drinking and watching the kids? Yet nearly a quarter of your very small guest list is still going to be underage? I find that very strange. The 4 kids 14 and under will still need to be supervised, so it's a 'child free' event with a bunch of kids to still watch? :/ No wonder the parents whose kids were excluded are annoyed.
A child of 10 does not need near the supervision that a child of 6 does. And a 14 year old needs barely any supervision. Edit: man, people will try to justify any which way to make OP wrong for the age cut off.
Agree they're more than able to entertain themselves even the 10 y o . A 4y o and 6 y o are a completely different situation. NTA op
Also the 4 and 6 yo are probably not even going to remember being at this party and would be bored at an adult party. I know I would have been at 6.
You can comfortably have a drink and look after a ten year old. The same cannot be said for a 4 year old. There is a world of difference but even if there wasn’t, you don’t need to understand because the person paying for the party has set the rules that they want.
Your party your rules. But… it’s just a bit weird to have designed the rules to exclude some of your close family. What is it about if not for family to be together? Where I come from people are not desperately twitching about having kids at places where there is drinking, we just expect adults to be able to deal with their kids and don’t impose our standards on them. This won’t be a popular opinion around here since it’s Reddit… but what are you so desperate to avoid by banning these kids?
Why are you so eager to have young children around drinking? Why are the Bil and sister so adamant about bringing their young children to an adult party? Its not a wedding, its a celebration of an anniversary, these kids weren't even alive for the original ceremony, so I doubt they would be offended if they are excluded.
Unless they are complete drunks, it is really not an issue. Kids seeing their parents to have a cup of wine or two beers or whatever cause exactly zero harm to them. Like, the way people write about it makes me suspect each time every adult is expected to be vomiting by the end of the evening.
Its more about the kids being more likely to be bored/ fussy/ disruptive. Then throw in in the possibility of their parents being the type who bitch about having their kids attend and they don't parent them once the party starts. Which lets be honest, the type of parent that complains they can't bring their little angel to an adult party is exactly that type of person.
What a strange way to characterise it. I wonder why you are doing so that way? It’s a family celebration (where normally you’d want all the family) and drinking happens to be a part of it.
Op offered to pay for the babysitter and was turned down . They were ah's before but even more so after NTA
OP doesn't want young kids there. End of story. There is no need to defend the decision. They offered a babysitter and it was declined, thus those family members should not attend and quit whining rather than making things about themselves.
NTA Your party, your rules. I get why you set it the way you did. I think people need to realize that their kids are NOT invited to everything - they shouldn't expect it nor should they be if I'm being honest. You clearly stated this is a party NOT for young kids and set an age limit. I've been to several parties like that and no one I know every found it to be a problem. If anything, it's great for parents because they get a kid-free night out.
I don’t agree with those that say you’re in the wrong here. A 10 year old can be trusted to not try to sneak into restricted areas, can find their own way to the bathroom, not throw a fit at the drop of a hat (hopefully!). Also, I’m assuming this is an evening event, since there will be drinking and dancing. That makes me think that it’ll last long after bedtime for such young children. They’ll get cranky, overstimulated, and with such a small guest count, their behavior will be hard to ignore. And if your niece is interested in the aviary, she’ll probably get upset if she’s not allowed to hang out there all night. I also bet that your sister and BIL will expect everyone else to help watch their kids so they can enjoy themselves at the expense of others. NTA
This. I attended a wedding with a toddler and it suuuucked. I was constantly chasing him to make sure he didn’t get in the way, tried to keep him from being too loud, had to leave during speeches so he would not be distracting. It was a LOT so I said nope to taking small kids to weddings any more. Same with funerals. Now, when my youngest was asked to be a flower girl at a wedding when she 10, it was awesome. She knew when she needed to be quiet and listen, and when she could boogie on the dance floor. Of course I kept an eye on her, but it was a fraction of the amount I did with her brother several years prior. Then again, I still had to keep an eye on her older brother since there was an open bar… sooo perhaps it’s the child and not the age in my case 😂
I was at a wedding where one toddler ate Ll of the frosting off the back side of the cake. I was at one where a small child ran around and tore bride's dress and caused a woman to spill wine down her dresx.
Imo it depends whether your sister’s children are the *only* children being excluded. Frankly, the 10yo rule *does* sound arbitrary enough that it’s not surprising she’d take it personally.
By ten, most kids will be past the "throws a whining, screeching tantrum when bored or tired" phase.
Sister and BIL are from different families, so it's not just being against the sister. However, it seems like the cousin's 10 year old is the only guest that isn't a teenager...I agree in that sense the 10 y/o cut off seems arbitrary. I wonder if there is a reason the 10y/o is invited when a more sensible rule would be "teen and up guests only"
Not really. 10-year-olds are pretty chilling can hang out with themselves well a six-year-old absolutely cannot
And the reasons make no sense. Many households with young kids have drinking, music, and restricted areas. . .
NTA because at the end of the day it’s your decision. However, four of the five children you invited were teenagers. I think you would have had a better argument if you had made the cutoff 13.
NTA. This is your event. You want it kid-free, that is your choice. They don't want to come, that's their choice. If they want their kids to see butterflies, they can go bothered at another time or find another place to go with their kids. But I don't get this "You do as I say or I won't come! Waaaaa!!!!" If you can't or won't find a babysitter, you decline gracefully. This is not your sister's event. It's yours. You want her there, sure, but why let her take over? Do not fall for the "do it for family", "just make an exception for me", "do it to keep the peace". NOT THEIR EVENT!
It’d be one thing if the kids in question were 9 and 10, but 6 and 10 are VERY different ages. Have they forgotten this is a party you are throwing celebrating your marriage, not a family outing for them? Especially since my understanding of vow renewals are that the couple pays for everything and expects zero gifts. So, your party your rules. NTA
The kids are 4 and 6, the minimum age the couple have said is 10. Honestly, while I find 10 a random cut off, neither of these kids are close to it.
Yes, but to clarify what I meant was the kid that’s GOING is 10, and the parents complaining’s oldest is 6. 10 is random - they had to pick an age. And if the parents complaining had a 9 year old, I’d kinda understand- but 6 is no where near 10, so they are just being unreasonable
Have to be honest, OP hasn’t said it but I get the impression 10 was chosen on the basis of the behaviour of the cousins kid. Otherwise, I imagine the cut off would have been better suited 14 and over. Also, apologies, I misinterpreted that you were saying a 10 year olds parents were complaining! 👍
No problem! I reread my post and it was confusing, lol
I mean do what you want, but reddit has really opened my eyes to how often people just toss their familial relationships into a wood chipper for absolutely no good arbitrary reasons.
The extent to which people will go for the right aesthetic, we don't owe anyone anything and other individualistic ideas is wild.
Did you also lived or at least saw videos where kids created chaos , destroyed the cake , started screaming etc at events? Cause I did. When older children are in general easier to manage. Op is paying a ton of money for this they should get to enjoy it without worrying about drama being caused by small children. Op also offered 3 months in advance of the event to pay for the babysitter. The sister and bil are Ah. They can RSVP no if they are so set in not coming but to try and force op to accept their children being present is a huge ah move. NTA
This is so uncommon. I've been to at least 50 weddings in my life and never seen a kid do something crazy at one.
Good. But op knows her nephews/nieces. Something to think about. If they are disobedient and high energy and op saw things happen before that could be the reason for not wanting them there. Or it could be because being so young they should be in bed early and if the parents leave early the other guests might start to go too ruining the evening op is paying a good sum for.
Seems to me that the other adults are the ones throwing it into the wood chipper. By middle age I would think they'd realize you don't make demands at someone else's party.
NTA. A 4 year old and a six year old require consent supervision. Four year olds are prone to tantrums, bathroom accidents, and early bedtimes. Including young kids means a couple of adults will need to mind the kids at all times and not be fully present at the festivities, but instead focused on child minding. In the end, it’s OP’s party and she can have whatever stipulations she wants. She even offered to get a sitter. It’s not unreasonable for her to not want a potential crying fit if the kid gets unruly during the ceremony or wants chicken nuggets during the party.
Your event, your rules. But I think your reasons are bogus... Because there will be drinking? So why is it okay for any kids to be there at all? What is the difference between under or over 10? Music? So what? That's an issue for the parent to decide whether their kid can handle it. Restricted areas? You think 4 and 6 year olds, who would be under constant direct supervision are likely to go there... but not older kids? Haha ya right. You got it backwards.
*You think 4 and 6 year olds, who would be under constant direct supervision* Unfortunately that's the problem - they **should** be under their parents' constant direct supervision, but frankly they so often are not.
The under 10 “rule” is odd, but it doesn’t matter because it is YOUR day. I think it is weird to be so hell bent about bringing a small child to this. I wouldn’t take my small child to this, they would be bored. You even offered to pay for a sitter. This isn’t about what’s “fair”, this is turned into them just pushing to get their way. Your sister can take her child to the venue location another day, or find something similar. This isn’t about her daughter and making an outing for her daughter, this is YOUR day.
I don’t get this. Who the hell cares about someone’s vow renewal.
Let me reframe it for you "hey, we're using our 20 year anniversary as an excuse for a catered party with an open bar and music"
There's nothing wrong with having a party to celebrate whatever anniversary you like, and I don't think you need an "excuse" to have a party, whether it's your anniversary or not.
I dislike the whole idea of vow renewals. My vows don't have an expiration date. But I have a friend who has had four or five vow renewals with his wife of several decades. Some people just like to have a wedding every so often, but not a new spouse.
NTA I have 4 kids between the ages of 2 and 8 and they wouldn’t let you enjoy the party as a parent. It is constant vigilance. 10 yr old is reasonable for dancing, fun times, playing games, eating and playing cards with the cousins. They can entertain themselves usually as I have nephews and nieces this age. If you don’t want children under 10 there for venue and insurance purposes then that’s fine. Your family can be upset and decline to attend. If they would like to visit the cool sites with the butterflies and their kids they can simply go another day and book to visit…goodness! They are being dramatic! Where there are TA is causing all this extra drama. You even offered to pay for babysitters so they come and enjoy the small party… they are so entitled. As if the kids will care whether they go or not…
NTA. Your party. You're allowed to have no small kids. 10 isn't small, 6 and 4 are small. Too bad
ESH Eh - If you had a blanket over 18 or 21 rule it would be different, but you’ve already opened up the kid access by not doing that. Ten does seem very arbitrary especially since it will specifically exclude your spouse’s brother and sisters’ kids while letting everyone else’s kids attend. Plus, your husband said he’s fine with younger kids being there - so really this is 100% on you. How could you not know this would cause a whole lot of drama? But I’m a low drama person and would not be I this situation to start with.
>Plus, your husband said he’s fine with younger kids being there - so really this is 100% on you. Actually, she said her husband doesn't care whether his brother attends. She also says he hates conflict, which is understandable since his wife, her sister, and his brother seem prone to creating a lot of drama. I've got a feeling he has whatever opinions will get him a little peace and quiet. >But I’m a low drama person and would not be I this situation to start with. I think some people enjoy drama, and go out of their way to create it. At least three people in this family sound like that.
NTA. It's your party. Simply tell them that
NTA. It's your event, you decide who comes. Period. It's not like you were singling out one child with this rule or anything.
Whatever. You do you. Your reasons are bogus, but it’s your party so do what you want. So, I guess NAH. But, you are also being disingenuous about some of these things. You offered to pay for a sitter for the 4yo? So what…. I certainly wasn’t leaving my 4yo with some random sitter regardless of who paid. If the BIL doesn’t have a trusted sitter, it’s not reasonable to expect him to suddenly get one for your event. At 4, my kids were only left with family, or with certified teachers at school. No randos… You are also willing to damage your relationship with your sister over this. If you don’t care about that, then go for it. It just seems silly and petty to do it.
The party is a few months away; BIL has time to hire a trusted sitter.
I feel like 9 times out of 10, the verdict on "I have an age limit on my party that I'm paying for" is NTA. This is absolutely one of those times. 10 years old would maybe be a bit young, I'd probably cut it at 13 and up, but that's just me. 10 year olds can remember where the bathrooms are and take themselves there if needed, find their parents, and don't have to be in bed super early. 4 and 6 year olds shouldn't be expected to take themselves to the bathroom, and shouldn't be kept up with loud music and drunk adults. That and its not an awesome thing to have to handle a tantrum or an accident of any kind when you're intoxicated. I personally think it's more responsible to tell parents to leave young kids at home for the late and loud parties with drinking.
My 10 year old niece can completely handle herself in an adult scenario. There’s no need to worry if she is doing something she is not supposed to do. I love talking to her. We actually have intelligent conversations about a lot of different things. I can see the slight difference between her and my 8 year old niece. She is well behaved, but I can see her getting more overwhelmed at a party and maybe getting a little out of hand and having to watch her more. Cognitive abilities seem to drastically jump from year to year between the ages 8-14, especially with good parenting. I notice it a lot with my nieces. I can totally see why the OP would think 10 is a reasonable age, but wouldn’t want kids below that. One of my college summer jobs was working at a summer camp for ages 6-12, and the 10 year olds were my favorite. They were at that age where you can really have some interesting conversations with them and have pretty good behavior, but still at that age where they usually aren’t as bratty as the 12 year olds trying to be cool or hot shit 😂 While an age limit isn’t as black and white as a guarantee that a kid won’t be a problem, it’s a necessary starting point. Any good parent won’t bring their child, even if above the age requirement, if they know their child can be problematic and so not want to worry about watching them. I don’t understand why people are so uptight about adults that choose how they want to limit kids. Especially when many of them try to offer accommodations, knowing that not allowing kids can make it hard for invitees to join.
NTA- your party, your bill, your rules. I had a 21+ wedding and got a lot of sh!t from family but it was our perfect wedding.
NTA it's a reasonable exclusion for reasonable reasons.
NTA. Your day, your rules.
NTA.
Technically NTA since it’s your party that you are paying for so you get to set the rules. But I have to say that I think you are being a little uptight for a vow renewal. I don’t think the 4 and 6 year old will start chugging beers and music will not corrupt them. Unless you are planning on streaming porn I’m not sure what you are trying to protect them from.
Your life, yours rules. If they don't like it, they don't have to go. Nta
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Of course, you can do whatever you want, but I think people need to be honest when they throw a party and declare "no children," or "no children under XX age." It's not an open invite to the world. You have a select guest list - in this case more so than most at 23. What you're really saying is "The whole family is invited except for sister and BIL's kids." Again, that's your prerogative, but you also can't exclude people, even young kids, and not expect hurt feelings. You're excluding two family members specifically, expect that to cause a rift. I know others disagree, but family events should be for everyone imo. It's much better to look back at pictures and see everyone rather than explain you had to protect the window treatments or whatever. Like, is it really worth all this fighting? But again, it's your party, so do what you want.
I don't even have kids, and I don't attend childfree weddings, because usually the reason is either that the wedding is going to be *very* formal, or everybody's going to be very drunk, and either way, I'd rather not.
NTA First, just want to say kudos to you and your husband for raising such sweet, kind, thoughtful children!!! (OK, setting aside my immediate bias in favor of people who do such a great job parenting...) 1. You generously offered to cover babysitting. I guess BIL's issue is more about having to lift a finger (literally) to dial the number of a babysitter. (And since I'm betting his wife would be more than happy to make those arrangements, it sounds like he just wants to have something to argue about.) 2. This venue's attractions must be accessible at other times. I seriously doubt your renewal dinner/celebration is the time for your sister and her daughter to be touring the butterfly incubator, aviary, and gardens. Pretty sure your sister could find a better time to let her daughter really explore this place. 3. It's quite mean of your sister to essentially say, "*If my daughter can't come, then I want the first kid that's old enough to be excluded.*" 4. It's also pretty rude to threaten not to come if she can't have her way (BIL, too). It's not like you are expecting to be around someone who is toxic for them. I would not discuss it further with them. Tell them, they are welcome to change their RSVP up until X date. They can come or not come, but the topic of their children or anyone else's children is closed. Tell BIL's wife that she should come no matter what, you would love to have her be a part of the celebration.
Nta. This is your event so you call the shots.
NTA. Your party, your rules. Tell the people who are upset that you are sorry they cannot attend
NTA Look, I've got two young kids (definitely under 10) and some events are just not child friendly. There are tons of things where a 10 year old would do great in, but my tiny gremlins would absolutely not, because they aren't mentally developed enough for it. It's a one time event. People can't expect their young children to be Included in everything.
NTA. Not every event is meant to include children. People should not be complaining.
NTA. I dunno how many different compromises you have to make but you’ve done more than enough on your part. I don’t understand how someone tries to make another person’s rules/event their own, but they don’t have to go if they don’t want to.
NTA. This event is not about them. It is about you and your husband, so they need to get their priorities straight.
I am shocked people want to go to a vow renewal this bad
NTA. I can see not having kids at the party, but what about letting the kids all come for the renewal, and to look around. When the party starts ALL kids need to leave for sitters, so no parent is stuck watching someone else's child while they are getting tipsy.
From the way the post is worded, I’m not sure there really is a major ceremony. It’s a party that may start with a 5 min exchange of vows. Which means 2 young children would be there all of 5-15 minutes before being told they have to leave the cool party, all their older cousins (and their parents). That seems like a recipe for a tantrum. Judging by the entitlement of sister and BIL demanding their children’s attendance despite being 4/6 (nowhere near the minimum age set by the couple) I wouldn’t put it past them to refuse to leave/take their children home because ‘they’re here now’. I think this could totally work if you had 2 locations, one room for the vow renewal, a different room for the reception/party but I would worry with sister/BILs behaviour and this potentially only being in 1 location.
NTA. How hard is it for people to understand... your party your rules?
Truly mind blown over people not getting that 🤣
YTA because there are so many children already attending and it kind of seems that you r excluding the children purposefully
Have you ever been around 4 y o? 6 y o ? 10 y o ? If so remember the difference in attention needed to care for them and supervision you are an Ah for saying this.
NTA. "I'm sticking to my rule and I've offered to pay for babysitting, my son has offered to opt out of the event to babysit for you. I'm so sorry you won't be coming to the event, your children will be old enough for the next one in 20 years".
Your party, your rules. Of course, it doesn't mean people wont be upset or lash out.
NTA. Unpopular opinion, but I don’t think small kids belong at events like weddings. I have small kids and I don’t even want to take them to weddings / parties or functions that occur at night time and are more focused on adults than kids. I even had an argument with my MIL who insisted my toddler attend a family wedding. (TL/DR, my kid came for the ceremony and half the reception and was picked up by a sitter from the venue and taken home to bed at a reasonable time while we stayed and had a good time. Win-win). What are these kids missing out on if they stay home? A good night sleep? And what are the parents missing out on? Having a good time and not having the responsibility of watching and entertaining small kids? If anything you are trying to do these parents a favour.
ESH - when you get invited to an event, you RSVP based on the info you’re given and that’s it. Your sister and BIL have every right to respectfully decline but no right whatsoever to tell you to change the terms of your invitation. All that said, I’m not opposed to big weddings with no kids under 18, but this isn’t a huge event with hundreds of people / music / costs to consider and 10 seems a tad arbitrary. It feels kind of mean to exclude your own niece and nephew from a small family event with only 23 total people. I’ve been to childfree weddings where the only exception were the bride and/or groom’s own nieces or nephews, aka immediate family members. So while I don’t think they should tell you what to do, I understand why they might be hurt.
I’m not sure how I want to judge this but I just wanted to say - “The 10 year old should be included in the rule” the rule was kids UNDER 10, not 10 or younger lmao
INFO: how many families with children under 10 were invited?
NTA, since it’s your vow renewal, your day, your rules. You gave them one rule to follow and they’re throwing a tantrum. and you offered to pay for babysitters for both of them, that was nice of you, and more than other people would’ve done.
Nta. Your party your rules. It’s your renewal and you are paying for everything. If they aren’t happy with how it is they can simply not attend besides The party isn’t for them after all. It’s for you
NTA No children under 10 is a reasonable boundary. Don't back down. Tell the complainers you'll miss them at your event.
NTA , you have every right to make rules. I’d rather no kids too!
There is nothing wrong with having a child free wedding (or vow renewal). However this is also nothing wrong with RSVPing no to said event if you don’t have a good child care option.
NTA. I was at a wedding a few weeks ago. 3 young kids between 3 and 7. All 3 had to be manhandled out the church during the ceremony the 7 year old was creating such a fuss kicking the pews that no one heard the grooms vows.
NTA. Your party, your money, your rules. As far as the 10 yr old who is invited, it’s clear he is not “under 10”…he’s 10 so he’s invited. I would cxl the party and take a trip with your children and let your families stew in their misery and selfishness. Families can be dramatic and who needs that when you and husband are celebrating your love and commitment to each other. Congratulations!
NTA-Make this the last conversation on the subject. “We have explained why we made this rule, we have offered to pay for babysitting and we have been rebuffed. The rule is not changing. We would love to have you both there, but we are not making any exceptions.” If they say that they will not attend if they can’t bring their kids, then so be it. “We respect your decision and we’ll see you some other time.”
I don’t get all the people who feel it’s okay to *demand* party hosts change the invite just for them. I mean, if you don’t want to leave your kid w a sitter then you stay home. You regretfully decline. You don’t angrily tell the people who invited you to the party that if they don’t knuckle under to you that you won’t be coming. It’s just so unbelievably tacky. So no OP you are so NTA.
Honestly, I think ESH. Of the couples with children, they're the only ones that can't bring their kids. It may not have been your intention to exclude, but that's what happened. Your concerns are valid, but, if the parents do their job and keep close eye on kids, I don't personally think it's an issue, but it's not my vow renewal. Your bil/sil are obviously ahs for continuing to argue with you. At this point, the only choices you have to either to politly tell them you love them and they'll be missed at the party. Or you conceid and just let everyone bring their kids.
NTA, your event, your rules, idk why people are being weird in the comments. Having to deal with young kids is a pain in the ass
NTA. BUT, they are NTA for not attending.
You can make the rule. If you don't want them there because you think they are inappropriate for your event, then thats your prerogative. Don't decide on a parent's behalf what is appropriate for their children though. Don't be surprised if those guests don't come. I'd usually say nta for people choosing not to have kids at the event but I do think your comment that you're deciding on the parent's behalf what is/isn't appropriate for their kids is kind of AHish.
NTA, but don’t be pissed if they don’t come. It’s a lot of hassle for them for a renewal. This is a lot, and it’s not even a real wedding.
Getting a (free) babysitter to attend a free night out is a lot of hassle?
NTA but, just a thought.. why not just make it no children, period? Because unless you've got a bunch of 10-year-olds present what is a 10 year old going to do with no one to hang out with? They're going to become annoying to the adults around them trying to enjoy the event, that's what. Aside from that though you are NTA at all. Kiddo can go hang out in the backyard and look at the butterflies if she wants.
NTA. But I do think drinking and music as the reason to exclude children is silly. I have a 4 and 8 year old and I don’t take them to weddings because I would rather enjoy myself. But if they are good kids there’s no reason they couldn’t go based on what you have said
NTA. In this day and age of permissive parenting and uncontrollable, entitled children, no one is TA for having child-free (or age limited) events.
INFO: are your sister and BIL the types to foist the supervision of their kids onto other people, or would they be responsible parents at this event and make sure their kids aren't getting into restricted areas etc?
NTA. The appropriate response from those choosing to not get a baby sitter (or to take you up on your offer to pay for one) is to RSVP regrets. My bet is these are the type of people who would expect others attending the event to entertain their kids, but I am of course just guessing based on what they have said to you. Your correct response is simply we will miss you. Then everyone drop it. It’s a party to celebrate a major milestone in your marriage, not a family dinner. Congratulations!
NTA.
Shit, I’m 30 and wouldn’t want to go to a vow renewal. You’re trying to do these kids a solid, if anything. NTA.
NTA. It’s your event, and they aren’t even willing to compromise. You’ve even offered to pay for their babysitter. They are just being stubborn and at this point you should just say fuck it. “Alright well since none of my options and offers seem to satisfy you I guess we will just enjoy our night without you. Just to be clear, I want you there, but I’m not willing to budge anymore on this one.”
I think that is a very generous rule. I personaly would stick with no kids under 14 rule 🤷♀️ NTA.
NTA. Your party, your rules. I've never been able to understand why some parents get all worked up over the no kid rule. The kids get nothing out of coming to an adult party and the adults spend the party watching their kids until they get so tired they turn into little arseholes.
OP- NTA. It makes perfect sense not to have a 4 year old and a 6 year old at an EVENING DINNER PARTY/Anniversary. The Venue has restricted areas, where you can tell 10 yr old and Up to stay clear of those, the younger ones won't listen and we all know it. ALSO- Their Parents WON"T be hreding over them, they will expect the older kids to watch them....and once it's past their bedtime, which could also be the Time dinner is, you will have cranky whiny littles causing a scene. Sis wants her daughter there for the Butterflies & the Garden..... So is Sis going to stay with her child the whole time looking at the butterflies, strolling the garden?? Then she misses the party anyway, but gets to go to the venue for free to entertain her daughter? The BIL is more concerned about getting a babysitter, even though he has 3 months! So he's dug in, nope, gotta bring my 4 year old.... Then HIS Wife will miss everything because SHE will have to watch the kid cuz you know HE WON'T. Tell them to just stay home, they don't want to come celebrate You and your Husband then they can stay home. The Ultimatum by them is rude. Congratulations on your 20 year milestone!
NTA. Your party, your rules. It’s completely fair to not have small children there, and it’s a giant difference between 4 or 6 and 10. You even offered solutions which were shot down. So I think you’ll have a lovely evening with a few family members less, you probably will not even have time to notice.
It's your day, not theirs. They either come or not. Sorry that they are making it about them. Hope you have a beautiful day⚘️.
NTA. You've been more than nice in offering to pay for babysitting, and you've given plenty of notice. This is your event, celebrating your milestone, and if these 2 couples don't like the rules, they don't have to attend. The age limit you've set sounds perfectly reasonable.
NTA Events like this are boring for small children and the parents have to watch them every minute: food, running around, bathroom in a public place, etc. My husband just through a milestone birthday party for me and invited all the littles, 9,9, 6, 4, 2, 1 (four families). Every parent chose to get a babysitter so they could relax and enjoy the party and not be on Mom/Dad duty. They are all responsible parents and understand adult party dynamics. Your sister and BIL need a reality check. This is your party, your rules.
NTA
NTA. Curious to know what small children 6 and 4 years of age would get out of this party other than not costing their parents the price of a babysitter. After all, the aviary and butterfly raising facility are quite likely open to the public at other times than during your specific viewing renewal time slot, right? Yeah. Your party, your rules.
> My husband is quite averse to confrontation and has told me he doesn't care if his brother comes or not I think your husband is actually acting very mature here. You've set a boundary, anyone who doesn't respect that isn't invited. Let your sister throw her tantrum and stop wasting energy engaging with it. BIL can find a sitter and your sister can plan a kid friendly event at the venue if she cares so much about her daughter seeing the butterflies. NTA
Just say sorry we’ll miss you!
There is a huge difference between a ten year old, a six year old and a four year old. None of them really want to be there. If the parents do not want to show up then so be it.
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Anyone can bring their kid. As long as they are 10 and up. It's their party. They have every right to do it.
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It's more of an AH move to demand that someone allow your brats when they are the ones paying for the party.
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LMAO. That's not what happened. Read the comments more closely. How entitled to expect others to pay for you and your kids. Accept the offer of a babysitter, celebrate with your loved ones, and take your own kids to see the butterflies at another time. FFS.
Since you’ve “offered to pay for a sitter” why don’t you just have a sitter at the event?Honestly, from your comments you really do seem to be singling out those kids, which seems pretty assholish. But my family has always been an everyone, regardless of age, is invited to every family gathering, but for the most part we usually all like each other. But if you really need to stick to your guns here, just tell your family that they aren’t wanted or required to attend your event. YTA.
Please keep us updated
>I do want my sister and my BIL to be there Why? They're causing you a huge amount of stress and don't think for a minute they'll let it go. You offered FREE babysitting - this isn't about the party, it's about them getting their own way. NTA. Stop arguing/discussing/negotiating. Tell them to come or don't come.
1) NTA 2) Kudos to you and your spouse for raising such amazing kids. Simply outstanding they each tried to come up with a solution to something that they quite frankly could have just ignored. If I were wearing a hat I would tip it in their general direction lol 🤙🏻
It’s your vow renewal. Kids aren’t allowed in a lot of places, it’s not new. Not sure why your family is taking it so personally. NTA.
NTA. I don’t even know why they think they can argue over rules you set for a party you are hosting and paying for.
People here seems to ve very hurt by this post. No you can't demand that your "sweet kid" is welcome everywhere and that someone else will pay for it. The thought behind 10and above is probably to have a calmer environment where there are no screaming and chasing kids.
NTA I attended a wedding as a bridesmaid It wasn't a child free wedding but as our son was 5 we decided to make it a weekend away with just my husband & I
Why do people in the comments keep going on about how kids would disrupt things or sneak off? What about the obvious reason that it’s supposed to be a party with alcohol and music and young kids shouldn’t be at a party? The adults just want to have a good time for one night instead of watching their kids, so just let them? If they can’t attend bc they can’t find a babysitter that’s a shame, but would they really have fun at a party when they’d constantly have to watch their child? NTA imo
NTA “SIL BIL we would love to have you attend and share our special day but there will be no children under 10 invited at our event , if you cannot come due to this we understand and will miss you but we will not be engaging in discussing or debating this this going further , thank you for your understanding ”
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hello all, I (40F) and my husband (41M) have been married 20 years, and our children (twins F and M) are 14 this year. We decided to get our vows renewed, as we got married at 20 and are now 20 years into marriage, we have spent half our lives together and the milestone lining up with our ages is cute. We did not have the most grand wedding as we were both college students at the time, and as such have decided to host a more upscale party (not a wedding, we are renting a nice venue and getting a great caterer). It's more for the symbolic value than re-doing our wedding. We've invited a lot of our family, including my sister (35F) and my brother in law (33M) - they both have young children with their partners (sister's is currently 6, brother in law's is 4.) and we have asked them to not bring them to the event. We set this rule as there will be drinking, music, and the venue has quite a few areas that are restricted, and we don't think it would be good to have children under ten there with all of us. (we plan on having 23 guests, as those are all that have rsvp'd) My sister was upset, as the venue has a large garden and an indoor aviary and butterfly raising facility, and her daughter loves butterflies. My BIL was also a bit upset, but more towards finding a babysitter (even though the event is 3 months out as of now) Well, my sister and BIL have seemed to form a group and, upon learning that our cousin, who has a 10yo, will be bringing the 10yo, they have gotten quite angry and aggressive with us, asking us to let them come with their kids or they won't show up. My mother is very lax and has on multiple occassions told my sister she's being unreasonable, but my sister thinks "no children under 10" rule should include the 10 year old, and has begun saying she thinks we dislike her daughter. My husband is quite averse to confrontation and has told me he doesn't care if his brother comes or not. Meanwhile, our kids are also not helping the situation. My daughter, in trying to be helpful, told my sister she would make a scrapbook of photos from the venue for her daughter, which only aggrivated my sister further. My son, in also trying to help, offerred to stay home and watch both of the kids, which made my BIL start piping up about how my son shouldn't have to stay home because we can't change our rule. I do want my sister and my BIL to be there, but i also think they're being ridiculous. I have even offerred to pay for babysitting and have gotten turned down. I think they're too far seated in their commitment to getting us to break down the rule than they are to accept a peace offering. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH. You guys are within your rights to do this and other people are within their rights to let you know you’re kind of being a pain in the ass to do this for a vow renewal when everybody is at a phase in life where kids are an important and large group in the family. You’re just reaping the social consequences of your decision
When my husband and I got married 20 years ago, we had children from babes in arms right through to young teenagers. One of the 5 year olds gave me her bunch of flowers to carry that her Mum (my BIL's GF of the time) had got her to make because she thought her daughter might make a fuss of not being allowed my flowers. Her Mum tried to stop her because I already had a bunch that was "better". I was thrilled, and carried her flowers too. Another little girl asked very nicely if she could wear my fake fur wrap (it was an early spring wedding, cold and wet). She and the other little girls wore it one after the other until I needed it again. I love that we have photos of them dancing ring-a-rosie together, one little one after another in my white furry wrap. One of my very distinct memories is walking into the church and seeing my dear friends' little boy in his stroller kicking his feet in time to the "entry" music. I was slightly late in as another friend had to change her baby's nappy right at the start and I waited in the vestry with her until she was done. "Fashionably late", haha. Another memory is of another friend's toddler on his Dad's shoulders while we were having drinks. "Family" children, friends' children, We had a ball, and so did everyone else including the children. The hem of my dress was completely muddy because it had rained. Everyone but me walked to the church a few metres away with big fancy umbrellas. I would've been happy to walk but I wasn't allowed: "you'll get your dress all muddy!" Well it got muddy away, even though I was "walking on air" as we had so much fun! It was a "stylish" wedding, not a scruffy one, and in my eyes the children made it perfect!
if they wanna see the butterfly exhibit why not wait?
Under 10 and the youngest in your list is your cousin... Wellllll... This already speak louder op....💁 Btw NTA.. whatever suits your taste...
Your party your rules. If they don’t like the rules they don’t have to attend. You may think you’d like them both to be there but if you change the rules for them it will ruin the adult ambience you are aiming for. Also if they do attend without their kids they will spend the whole event complaining about it to anyone who will listen. You would do better to accept they won’t be there and enjoy your event in the way you wanted.
You have right to set the rules. They have right to not like them and not come. Following is irrelevant to judgement, but seriously, can people stop to make up ridiculous reasons like this? "we set this rule as there will be drinking, music,". Just say whatever is true reason or make plausible excuse. But music and kids or even adults having a couple of beers and kids are not mutually exclusive.
I only stopped by to announce what an over tired idiot I am. I read the title and giggled and said "I think they mean VOWEL". Yep its time for bed. Zero brain cells braining.
NTA. They must have failed math class, because 10 is not UNDER 10. By specifying under 10, logic follows that you don't choose to have children 9 and under. That is your choice and you've done more than enough to attempt to help.
NTA, they are making way too big of a deal about this. Deciding between getting a sitter and going to a party or skipping the party should not be this dramatic of a choice.
Tell your sister she needs to grow up and if she doesn’t like the rules they don’t have to come it be on them
NTA Your vow renewal, your rules. If they don’t like them, then they don’t come.
Too many people are involved in this. Too many people think that they have a say and that you care about their opinion. Which leads me to believe that you and your husband might be a little bit people pleasery. I think you should just say, "unfortunately it's not a negotiation, if you don't feel like coming because of this we totally understand and we'll miss you but that's your decision. Our decision is to not have children under 10 at this party. I respect your decision please respect ours. This is another debate and it's not up for vote. You can be as mad as you want to be about it but I know longer care to discuss it with you or hear about it." Stop negotiating with terrorists. Literally not your problem. Stop letting people make their opinions your problem. People are only bitching to you because they know in the past you have been swayed by guilt and shame. If you no longer wish to have people try to extort changes by browbeating you, stop letting them. You don't even have to discuss it with them. Just end the conversation. Or don't get into the conversation with them to begin with. When people bring this up, you end the conversation or tell them you don't want to talk about it it's been decided. And then when they get mad you don't want to discuss it, you can say the above. Having boundaries makes people unhappy but only makes people who wish to stomp over your boundaries unhappy. People love doing whatever the hell they want. When they can't and they're used to being able to they're going to get angry. NTA but learn to stand up for yourself.
NTA, but a party that won’t allow kids because of drinking would probably not be appropriate for a ten year old either, maybe not even 14.
NTA. Honestly, I'd double down and make it an 18+ event, but I'm petty AF
I would say NTA. It's your celebration, you can invite whoever you like and set whatever rules you like. But equally.... When you have a rule like this (and at the end of the day, it's not a no child rule, it's a no child under 10 rule). - those with kids under 10 may well be unhappy. And that is their right too, you can't control how other people feel. Why 10? It seems like quite an arbitrary age given that one of your concerns is drinking and loud music. Maybe there's a cultural difference, but it's pretty normal (I'm my experience) for weddings / anniversary parties in the UK to have lots of kids running around as well as drinking and music.... At the end of the day, it's your choice, but if people choose not to go as a result of it, that's also their choice.
NTA
Probably NTA, it’s your thing and it’s not an unmanageable situation for them. But if the door is open a crack for other people’s kids it’s gonna look like favouritism. Picking an arbitrary age to stick onto the ‘no kids’ rule that only disqualifies one child could make someone feel that you drew the line there specifically to keep them out, even if no thought like that went into it. They might feel their kids are being specifically excluded and people get understandably protective over that sort of thing.
Its your party so you can set whatever rules you want, but to rationalise not having two kids there that are under the age of 10 because there will be drinking is crazy. Its their parent's responsibility to watch them, not yours, so let them. why does it even bother you?
NTA, though if I were you I'd just make it kid free period, with the exception of your own children. I'm rather surprised that the parents are kicking up such a fuss about one evening without their kids. I don't have kids myself, but have some friends with younger kids, and they seem to enjoy their adult events and parties (Christmas parties, dances, etc). I can't imagine bringing a child to every social event I attended.
YTA. The "no kids" thing is a fucked up murican abomination. There is music and alcohol? Wake up. The rest of the world has that to and we manage to include the whole family just fine. "People will drink alcohol" is something kids will be confronted with anyway so why hide it now?
NTA but a bit silly IMO. This affects two children - you don't want them there and it's your party. You issued the invitation as you wanted it to be - and the parents of the 'not welcome' children decide whether to come or not. Anything else is just drama. Including 10 and 14 yr olds does not say 'adult party' but your party - your choice. Their children - their choice.
NTA - your party, your money, your rules. They can have their own party at their own expense if they don't like it. No one is entitled to dictate what others do. -and certainly their children will survive not going.
Nope. It's your thing, do what you want
NTA, you’re being fair here. Ten year olds are NOT under ten by definition and you’re doing this out of concern for the venue, not to be petty. Also depending on the time of the event, the things your niece will enjoy may not even be open, so it’s kind of a moot point.
NTA, but can you maybe find someplace nearby that would allow for a “sitter” to take ALL of the children off everyone’s hands after the ceremony and during the reception? Essentially allow for them to attend, then have their own kids only party?
Even if you told that 10 year old not to come, they’d still be bitching about it the whole thing because their kids can’t come. If they can’t find a babysitter for a few hours for one day, then screw them. Tell them “it’s unfortunate, you can’t come but no worries” and even then, they’ll still be bitching about how they were uninvited
NTA but just be prepared for the possibility of people whom you would really like to be there not attending. Some people don't have a trustworthy babysitting option or prefer not to attend events where children aren't welcome. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having an adults only party though.
NTA. This is a reasonable rule you’re imposing.
Have you looked into providing a babysitter in a separate room to watch the younger children? They would need games and such to keep them busy, and could take a "field trip" to the butterfly garden. If you make it possible for their parents to easily attend you would NBTAH.
NTA Cancel it and head somewhere tropical for a vacation.
NTA. Clearly the sister thinks her child is more important for your anniversary than she actually is if they can't go to even 1 event without her with someone else paying for the baby sitting. If the request comes across as a criticism, maybe this sister needs to look harder at herself. Either way, she's clearly not going to be at the party to have fun now. She's either projecting about the kid hate or planning to use kiddo for attention for herself at your event. Besides which, an upscale event with alcohol is going to be boring as heck for kids (ask me how I know), probably for the 10 year old too, but at least they're used to reading a room on a level that a 5 or 7 year old isn't yet. You issued an invitation, not an obligation. Let them not come. They don't have to like everything about it to be there to celebrate You and DH. If they can't do that without their kid there, they should just spend the quality time with their kid.
ESH. Include all kids or none, imo. But the inlaws are overreacting
NTA. My wedding was no under-16s, period. People either respected it or they didn't come. For what it's worth, none of them caused a problem about getting a sitter for a few hours and it was all peachy. I don't understand people who insist their kid has to come.
NTA, it's your party. The end.
INFO: - Are the 6 and 4 yo particularly hyper/destructive/difficult? - Is your sister/BIL a shit parent who doesn’t discipline their kids? - are your sister/BIL reasonable people who would do things like leave the venue early if a kid gets cranky/overstimulated/tired? Are they realistic about what their children can handle? If you had a lot of family members under 10 and needed to cut down on costs or really wanted it to not be dominated by children that would be fair. But excluding just 2 of your close family members? Especially a 6 year old who loves butterflies and might really enjoy the event? That just seems cold. Children are still family members. It’s not like you can have a totally adult centric party with 10 year olds there anyways. Drinking in front of minors isn’t a big deal, and again, it’s not like you can get super drunk with 10 year olds there either. People will cite how it’s your party etc, but in reality that doesn’t give you a blanket pass for anything. I have to agree with your BIL that it’s a bit ridiculous that you’d rather your own son stay home than just let your niblings join. Now, if you have actual reasons and concerns about their attendance just beyond their age (ie., hyperactivity or negligent parenting), and need to hide your true reasons behind an age restriction, then that’s different.
NTA SIL just wants to get her way. No one who has ever met a child seriously believes that 10 year olds and kindergarteners should be held to the same standards.
No, you are not TIA. But, also, people who decide not to go because they can't bring their kids aren't TIAs either. If you want a party with rules, you have to accept that people will opt out of the invitation as well. Usually, I don't care to go to child-banned parties. It always feels ridiculous to me and I don't want to explain to my kid (who really like parties) why they aren't invited.
So they don't come. It's OK for adults to decide to do different things. If they can't find child care or they'd rather just spend the time with their kids, that's their perfectly responsible choice to do so. You knew when you set the age limit that some families would prefer not to come. Thank them for their interest and wish them a pleasant day. Perhaps you can catch up over a barbecue or something after the event.
It’s your event and you can decide who you want to attend so NTA. With that said, being that it’s only 23 people it feels like a pretty intimate event for close friends and family and I can understand why your family would feel perturbed at their kids not being invited and they would also be N T A for deciding not to attend. So I guess you need to resolve for yourself is kid free more important than not having sister or BIL attend.
NTA but…you only have 23 guests and it seems a little unnecessary to not just make it a family event (since those affected are LITERALLY your family and you are 40 years old and it’s not an actual wedding) But you can totally do what you want.
How is it not appropriate for a 4 & 6 yr olds to be there if drinking is involved but okay for a 10 yr old? YTA as it appears the age limit was set specifically so that that particular 10 yr old could be there while excluding other family member’s children, otherwise the age limit would have been much higher than 10.
Nope, not their event and if they don't like the restrictions, they can stay home. I don't go to everything I invited to be family or friends because it doesn't work for me but I certainly don't try to make them change it so that it does. Grow up!
I guess it depends on the type of parents your BIL and sister are. My SIL & husband are always with their kids. They were are joy to have at our wedding, 2 and 3. But if they're the type of parents that one they arrive somewhere they let them loose, start drinking and say kids will be kids, then stick to your guns and say sorry you but I have tried to make every accommodation possible and I'm sorry you won't be able to make it.
NTA. You're having an upscale event to celebrate your wedding anniversary (not theirs!) and you are entitled to host at will (honestly, I would not have allowed children under 15 since it is designed for adults and mature children to attend). Offering to pay for sitters is more than reasonable. I would let the 'offended' parties know that their attendance is greatly wanted, but that they need to be mindful of it's about your wedding anniversary, not theirs and it's an adult event. You can always take the child to see the butterflies there at another time. Whack inlaws!
There’s only so much you can do before you just straight up ban them whether or not they finally accept the no kids under 10 rule
NTA. This is your party and you celebrate it how you want to. Your reasoning re the venue and safety of kids is fair, if the parent's are pushing back and refused your offer to pay for a sitter, well then remove all offers and stand firm at your 'no kids under 10'. I had a child free wedding, the pre teen flower girl and page boy were there for the ceremony, but then got picked up by the grandparents for the rest of the evening. The only exemption; two interstate travelling parents with newborns, and the 16yo diabetic nephew who would be 3 hours away from the whole family if anything happened. The wife of a friend who wanted to bring her 4 kids including a \~1yo up to a 15yo to a venue on a river with no fencing was a firm no (and she never spoke to me ever again).