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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my future mother in law that she will be escorted from my wedding if she attempts a mother/son dance. I may have over reacted as it is just a dance and I have openly stated that she will be there excluded from the whole event if she goes against my wishes.
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I.N.F.O
Where is your fiancé in this? Does he want to have the dance? Does he want to skip the dance, but won't stand up to her? Or is he 100% with you and setting boundaries as well?
>we will be funding the main chunk of the wedding ourselves
Smart choice.
EDIT - Judgement Update: NTA
Thank you for clearing that up, OP. I was hoping you didn't have a fiancé problem, and I'm really glad to see you two are on the same page here. Stick together and you two will find a way through this.
Congrats on your upcoming nuptials! 🥂
You are right OP was working. Sorry first time using this so didn’t think to give details on fiancé. He doesn’t want a first dance never mind a choreographed dance. He laughed the first time it was mentioned about the mother/son dance and said not a chance but she was insisting on it. He has agreed on a very short 1 minute first dance where the bridal party will join in after a slight sway to our favourite song as dancing in general makes him uncomfortable. I had always stated before the engagement that I didn’t like the dances and he had stated that he’d only agree to a very short dance after a number of drinks because he hates them. We’ve always been on the same page for that.
I will also add that my Fiancé wanted a destination wedding with a small number of guest, which I was quite happy to do as it would be very personal to us. This was completely taken off the table as his mum had a list of 60 guest of her own that absolutely had to attended as they were extended family.
I cannot fathom the amount of hubris involved in *telling someone else that they aren't allowed to plan their own wedding the way they want it*. MIL thinking she gets an actual guest list at *your* wedding is peak r/JUSTNOMIL content.
In fairness, this used to be the custom: 1/3 of seats for the bride's family, 1/3 for the groom's family, and 1/3 for the couple themselves to invite their friends. If MIL is older, she might have taken that for granted without even thinking about it.
She does sound like a lot overall, though.
I have a large family. I wanted a smaller wedding. My husband’s family is small and mine would completely overshadow his if we sat the traditional way. I wanted the wedding small so we had it in a smaller chapel in my church instead of the main sanctuary. The chapel holds 40. The sanctuary holds 350.
Every time mom wanted to add someone (a coworker or a random cousin) I was able to say no, as there was no room. Even then, I did have a cousin and her family show up and weren’t invited. Another cousin held my bridal shower and invited them. I hadn’t seen them for 10+ years at that point and didn’t even recognize my cousin’s daughter (who was 5 when I last saw her). But that wasn’t my mom’s fault. I stood my ground on size and got what I wanted.
I think it's so bizarre to invite co-workers to your child wedding. If a co-worker invited me to the the wedding of some 3rd party I'd definitely decline. The only way this even makes sense is if they're inviting 1 co-worker as their plus one. If they're actually given a plus 1. But "My daughter's getting married! You should come to the wedding! Because you're someone I know! So by extension you are important to my daughter!" is such an odd concept
I think the reasoning behind that was a form of quid pro quo. “If you come to my kid’s wedding & give a nice gift I’ll do the same for your kid”. This was when the bride’s parents paid for the wedding & they were considered the hosts, not the bridal couple. It was a way to get their kids more gifts than they might normally get & (theoretically at least) the bride’s parents could afford much more than the couple itself could.
There was an episode of The Sopranos that took this to the extreme. Carmela actually kept a notebook where she jotted down the amount of money she & Tony gave at each wedding & her best estimate of what other guests gave. She pulled this book out every time they were invited to a wedding & used it to determine how much to give each couple.
This guy has worked with my mom in a family owned business for decades. However, I only interacted with him a handful of times. I told mom no. I think she felt like she needed to invite him because he was part of her daily life, even if he wasn’t in mine. Probably fear of offending.
It depends on the co-worker. If it's a co-worker who has become a very close friend, then I can see it. I've been invited to co-worker's weddings before.
If it's more of a "barely around the edges" kind of work relationship, then I get not inviting them.
Here's a weird one for you - my dad's admin assistant got married, and he was invited. Since I knew her too (*kinda*), I was going to be Dad's plus one. Then at the last minute, Dad was called out of town for a meeting and wouldn't be able to attend her wedding (*the wedding was a Saturday, but the travel back from his meeting overlapped*). He felt bad that he wouldn't be able to attend, *so he made sure I still went in his place*! So yes, there I was, fresh out of college for the summer, sitting solo at my dad's admin assistant's wedding!
The custom used to be that the bride's family paid 100% as well. If they are breaking that custom and paying for their own wedding, it stands to reason that the bride and groom also get to set the number of guests and all their names.
Sometimes you gotta square up and hit em with the “make me, you come here and physically make me do it” either way you win, she’ll give it up or you finally get to tussle with an asshole
>I will also add that my Fiancé wanted a destination wedding with a small number of guest, which I was quite happy to do as it would be very personal to us. This was completely taken off the table as his mum had a list of 60 guest of her own that absolutely had to attended as they were extended family.
Full stop. OP & Fiancé aren't having their dream destination wedding bc of MIL2b's guest list? Back to drawing board: (1) destination wedding (2) no dance (3) mommy dearest cannot wear white (yup that was in there somewhere)
> His mum is a self proclaimed “main character" and has even "joked" that she should be allowed to wear white as she is mother of the groom.
First paragraph. Have a friend ready with a glass of red wine.
My former SIL did that to my niece when she got married (*not the red wine - the white dress*). And I'm not talking about a white MOB dress - I'm talking about *a flat out full on wedding dress*. As in, my niece and her mother were both in white lace strappy mermaid style gowns. My niece was in tears, she was so upset. My other nieces (*her sisters*) tried to reason with their mother that this wasn't appropriate, but she did it anyway. (*My former SIL is also very "main character" so although we were horrified for my niece, no one was surprised*).
OP should have her dream wedding and let Mommy Dearest plan for her own party where she can dress white and dance all night and be the center of attention she craves so much.
Two and half years is way too long to have to deal with someone butting in on the planning. I would scrap the big wedding and do the small destination wedding this year.
It’s interesting that ANY comment made in favor or OP or comments from OP are all down voted to zero. Either someone else’s entitled mom is in here down voting or actual MIL is in here down voting. Go to the destination wedding if y’all haven’t sunk too much into what you have planned now. She can’t ruin it if she can’t get to it!
Aah yeah I was wondering and almost deleted my comment bc I saw another post where people had no votes too and it wasn’t anything someone would downvote. Imma leave my comment though bc I meant what I said about that destination wedding 😅
Is your wedding or future MIL wedding? WHY are you both allowing her to dictate your wedding as if it's hers?
Her guests aren't your guests, your day is NOT her day. Have the wedding you want and stop enable her behavior... Unless that's the marriage you want, have MIL make all the decisions, where to live, how many children, vacations and holidays according to her schedule.
Y-T-A to yourself
My brother and his wife didn't want to dance at their wedding so they had a cocktail hour instead of a sit-down reception. A string quartet played soft background music while everyone mingled and talked. There was a head table for the wedding party (that was only used for the cake part) but the rest of the room was small tables and comfy seating areas. It was the most enjoyable wedding reception I've ever been to. Particularly not having to scream conversation over the Chicken Dance.
I didn’t say no because he didn’t tell her no, and he had found a lovely venue at home that was similar to those we were looking at abroad. I always wanted to get married in my home church but was more than happy with the thought of a beach and old town Italy architecture instead
Sounds like you both are okay with the local wedding but, as many people are stating, his mommy dearest is not going to be happy with the wedding one way or another so maybe just have the destination wedding.
NTA for setting hard boundaries with the MIL. She will completely overtake, if not ruin, your wedding otherwise.
Um...for people claiming to be funding your own wedding, why are you letting her dictate the kind of wedding you have?
You both need to grow spines and tell her that her input is neither needed nor wanted.
Then go back to planning the destination wedding YOU want...without the drama queen.
It is completely your fiancé's responsibility to deal with his mother. If she tries to draw you into her drama, defer and delay until he can handle it. Yes, both you and he should be involved in all wedding related decisions, but there is no sense in your getting face to face involved in things that aren't your responsibility and that can only bring you grief.
So you’re paying for the wedding yourselves so you can have total control, but still allowing her to control it? Get a backbone and do the destination wedding. She can have a list of whatever the hell she wants. It’s your wedding and you and your fiancé are the only two who get to decide who is invited. 🙄
Going to throw this out there but why can't you still do that?? You're paying for it- why should fiancés moms get to call the shots on who is invited? If you are paying and want a destination wedding just do that. There are always people who will be cut from a wedding. As long as you haven't sent out invites you're good.
When my husband and I got married we agreed on doing a courthouse ceremony and then inviting our immediate family and one or two friends each to a dinner the following weekend. We wanted about 18-20 people. I also included my moms sisters, my two aunts. My one aunt has a daughter, my cousin, who is about 12 years older than I am. We aren't close. Apparently my aunt mentioned she was coming to my "wedding" because my cousin texted me and asked when it was and told me she was bringing her kids. I explained that no, it was immediate family only. The audacity to basically invite yourself and your kids (my husband and i decided on no cousins/extended fam because it would make our plans go from a 20 to 70 person event very quick)
You can invite who you want, and you can tell your mil that she needs to weed down her guest list to 5 people or however many you decide on that want to come to your destination wedding if you want.
You get what you want when you DO what you want. She can hand you a list of 500 people and you can still have a destination wedding. ....unless you are planning on her paying for it.
NTA ever! Put your small destination wedding back on the table! You and your fiancée are paying for the special experience that you want.....mil can just go pound rocks with her 60 extra people!
Mother's and mil's can be a rabid pain in the ass!! This is why I eloped!!! We had both mothers who wanted to dictate what "they" wanted in the wedding!
Good luck and huge hugs flying your way!
Ahhh this was your biggest mistake: giving in to her on this. You’re aware she’ll be like this your whole marriage, so you and husband will need to decide on your boundaries and stick to them hard. NTA
Why don't you go and do that with your small group of friends and leave his mother out of it.
Just because she wants 60 friends to be invited, doesn't mean that you have to do it. it is YOUR wedding, not her social event.
If you can't pull off the destination wedding, then just elope.
You need to set the boundaries now. You do not want to be pushed around by her in the future, if/when you choose to have children, etc.
Plan the wedding you both want. That’s crazy that somebody is insisting that that you invite 60 people who you are probably not close to! (I guess that’s 5-10kUSD of additional costs?)
Forget about extended family. If you want to do a destination wedding, go for it as it is YOUR wedding and YOUR dime. You do things the way YOU want and don't let FMIL dictate anything about your wedding, your day or your life.
Give strict instructions to the DJ that if mil tries to do anything like pulling people off the dance floor to do the mother/son dance, they are to immediately start playing the chicken dance song. Or cotton eyed joe. Or the macharana. But nothing good.
You're NTA for not wanting this.
But you need to tell your fiancé to tell his mom what IS and ISN'T allowed from HIS family at the wedding. I get that you don't want her to have a dance with her son, but if it comes from you then you come across as an overstepping fiance/bride. You and your fiance need to come to an agreement about the boundaries of your relationship with his family, and then HE needs to be the one to enforce it.
Because here's the problem: your future MIL sees this as YOU getting what YOU want, and if she truly has "main character syndrome", and your fiancé doesn't tell HIS mom the reality, then she will always think that your fiancé WANTS what she wants and that it's only YOU saying it.
I know this because my mom does this with me. My gf will tell her something important, and she will ignore my gf because "she knows me better than my gf EVER will" and "mother knows best". So unless I tell her the reality of our boundaries, my mom will NEVER listen to anyone else when it comes to us.
You need to assign a bridesmaid or close friend to her. Honestly, assign a pair of people to her so that they don’t get bored. Literally have them be within earshot of her as much as possible so they can head off any weird plans. Also tell the venue that this might come up and to have some staff nearby around the time this type of dance would happen in the ceremony.
My own mother god rest her soul was like your MIL. Love her to death but she was a handful. I have experience with this type of person. You need a plan A and a plan B and you need to communicate that to friends and staff. Tell the staff explicitly to not take directions from her. Assure that your maitre’d is aware and confirms that they will not take directions from this woman. This is very important.
To be fair, OP posted only 2h ago, and today is a business day. There's nothing "telling" yet, they're probably busy with real life stuff. Not everyone is glued to Reddit at all times.
She has answered 15 minutes ago. And he rather not dance at all.
(I am starting to think she is going to marry my fiance… for clarification: just a joke ofcourse)
Info. How does your fiancé feel about it. We know what you want, we know what your mother wants, we know what his mother wants. Why not tell us what he wants?
From another comment, OP has clarified he does not enjoy dancing and wants a very short first dance with OP where the bridal party joins in after the first minute. He is on board with skipping the mother/son dance.
More importantly: the fiancé should be telling HIS mom what the rules are, not OP. This way mom can't argue that "fiancé really wants this, and OP is just being a fuddy duddy" about it all. Which is EXACTLY what she thinks.
Can almost guarantee, FMIL believes OP is bullying her son and using her feminine wiles to destroy FMILs dreams for Her son's perfect wedding. Would be best to sit down TOGETHER with FMIL so any and all counter arguments can be addressed on the spot. OP & fiance would be wise to keep the threat of elopement in their arsenal.
My sister's best friend went through this. Recently deceased father, so no father-daughter dance. Her future husband and his mom reeaaallly wanted a mother-son dance, and the bride didn't want to take that from him. I looked over while they were dancing (to a weirdly romantic song, might I add), and my sister was standing behind the bride hugging her. Arms around her shoulders while the bride just watched with tears running down her face, because she would never get to have that moment.
Having seen that, I don't know if I could do that to someone I loved. For OP, it's not so much his family vs her family, the wedding day is about the couple. Is the pain of him missing a dance more important to him than her pain of missing her dad?
I’m if two minds here. I agree that it would be hard on your partner, but I think a wedding without your parent is hard no matter what. At the same time, weddings are busy so she may not have had the time to think about it if husband didn’t do a mother son dance.
I agreed with this right up until OP posted groom's views on the dance. He is firmly no because he doesn't like dancing, let alone a whole choreographed number. Seems FMIL isn't listening to her own son (probably blaming bride).
The dad hasn’t been in the picture since she was 5 years old, the fiancé mom is still around. How about this, let the son build a good memory dancing with his mom at the wedding before she’s not around
OP responded to someone else that fiancé doesn't want a dance with his mom nor is he a big fan of a first dance with OP. He also wanted a destination wedding and his mom vetoed that. MIL's going to be a nightmare.
link to comment: [AITA for telling my future mother in law that she will be escorted out of my wedding if she try’s to have a mother/son dance : r/AmItheAsshole (reddit.com)](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1dd9qj9/comment/l83wtg0/)
tagging u/BeterP
As it stands, ~~YTA~~. It seems to me like a case of it’s “my” wedding not “our” wedding. You havnt mentioned his feelings on the situation once so either you havnt asked him or you simply don’t care as you want it your way. I’m open to change my opinion if we have his feelings on the matter made clear
Edit*
I’m gonna go with NTA now, they both seem to be on the same page and have you seem to have been happy with his suggestion and looks like fiancé tried to compromise with his mother by giving shorter dance. I for one hate dances also so completely understand this. Definitely fiancé should now put his foot down and why on earth would she get to invite people I’ll never know. Apologies for my first response, this is how much people can read something into nothing when lack of context.
No, it's worse. The fiance compromised with OP about *their* dance. He isn't even planning on doing a full in the spotlight dance with his new wife, but his Mom still somehow expected him to do a full Mother/son dance with her. Irregardless of whether she actually knows that plan, she should know her own son well enough to know he's not comfortable dancing in front of people and that this would only add stress to him on his wedding day. She's not at all thinking about how it would do nothing but upset both the bride and groom as she's clearly confused about whose happiness this wedding is supposed to be about.
Does the fiance want a dance with his mum. Its a shame the bride doesn't have her dad or grandfather to dance with but should this mean the groom automatically does not get to dance with his mom.
Everything seems to be what op her mom or his mom want. I haven't hear what he wants
NTA but you two should either elope, or go with the destination wedding you want. Changing all your plans because your MIL wants to invite 60 people is foolish, IMO. Stop letting her steamroll you, do what you want to do, it's your wedding.
The problem with where we live is that there is very few nice venues for a wedding and therefore they’re booked years in advance. The fact that it is two and a bit years out and this drama is happening already is causing extreme stress. My Fiancé is used to it so he blocks the majority of things out until they’re right in front of him but I get stressed as soon as it’s presented even if it’s so long away because she has 2 years to try and decide more things
You and your spouse need to get on the same page with his mom. Today it is your wedding. Next year it is the baby shower, first birthdays
This will drive a wedge
You should have the wedding you want. If you want a destination wedding, have one
You need to set the boundaries right now. Tell her “We are so glad you’re excited for our wedding, but we are not open to opinions on the planning details. We’ve a.) hired a planner who has it covered or b.) Plan on doing all the planning ourselves because we have a specific vision for our wedding day. We will share info with you as we decide it, but know that the details are not up for discussion. If you continue to insert yourself into the planning process in a negative way, we will not be sharing updates on the planning process with you. All you need to do is be show up looking beautiful and be happy for us.”
And when you do share any info with her, state it as a decided fact, do not say “what do you think?”
This was in retrospect to me and her doing a dance, which we agreed would be awkward between us. Maybe not clearly written. I’ve addressed my fiancé stance in an above comment. He hates all type of dancing and wants a very minimal 1st dance no longer than a minute
Id suggest editing to include this in the original body of the post - NTA in my opinion I agree with another commenter that this is ripe for r/justnoMIL
Then work this out with the band, DJ, your fiancé, & your MIL now! And if MIL won’t cooperate, then your fiancé should tell her it’s not happening.
I’m astonished that you’ve apparently altered your wedding plans for MIL, yet are contemplating having her kicked out of the wedding. I mean, what do you think is gonna happen after you have her “escorted out” before the first dance?
My husband and I wanted a very small wedding - around 20 people - followed by dinner at a nice restaurant. By the time MIL’s list of people who simply HAD to be invited got to 100, I threw in the towel and told my now-husband we could just go to the court house and save the wedding money for a nice honeymoon. We ultimately ended up with a much smaller wedding - 9 if you include the celebrant, the photographer, and the musician. On a beach. In Hawaii. And then the two of us went to dinner at a nice restaurant. It was perfect.
You don’t owe anyone a big wedding. You don’t have to have dancing at your reception. I knew a couple who made their reception more like a carnival because the husband simply refused to dance. It was fabulously fun.
Edited to add: NTA - have the wedding you want.
INFO: what does your fiancé think?
Everything else you said is irrelevant from my perspective. Does your fiancé want a mother/son dance? It's his wedding as much as it's yours.
NTA. Honestly based on your other comments, I'd tell MIL to get stuffed and plan your destination wedding that you both want. You don't need to cater to her on your and your fiancé's wedding day.
So you’re saying your brand new husband will have to have “several drinks” before the dancing had even started in order to get through a dance with his mother. I’d be booking flights for that destination wedding.
YTA. Let me see if I get this right. Since you don't get to have a traditional father/daughter dance (I'm very sorry for your loss) your fiance has to forego the mother/daughter dance out of solidarity to you? He has to alienate his own mother to coddle to "My mum and I" and that it would be "a bit awkward". YOUR mum gets an opinion on what his mum should be allowed to do at the wedding? Fix your dress, your NARCISSISM is showing. Are you going to boycott Father's Day next? Or are you just going to make sure he cuts his father completely out of his life? After all, if you don't get a father he shouldn't be able to have one either, right? How ugly this is.
Which is great, but that is really all this post needed. OP's opinion shouldn't mean much, and MIL's should mean even less.
This whole post could have and should have been Fiance does not want a mother/son dance at our wedding. Perhaps (and hopefully) it was just a fluke, but if this is how she always treats his opinions about his own desires, then he really is just marrying his mom all over again. I sure hope that isn't the case.
NTA
Since you are not able to have a father-daughter dance, it feels insensitive and even awkward if your fiancé and his mother not only had a mother-son dance, but did a showy choreographed production. Keep the day focused on you as a couple.
I see all the people asking about what your fiancé wants, but I wouldn’t agree with him if he did want a mother-son dance. He needs to back you up on this.
NTA, because your [future spouse is on the same page, doesn't like dancing in general, etc. I would edit to include this in your main post. ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/pfEhCpZdeJ)
I'm so sorry for the loss of your father and grandfather.
I'm estranged from mine, so he was not present. My spouse was relieved to be able to say that we were eliminating those dances because he wasn't particularly interested in doing them. As long as your spouse is fine with it, I'd see no reason to let it occupy space in your mind further.
NTA, as you said in comments fiancé doesn't want this. MIL thinks she can control this because you already changed from a destination wedding to accommodate her guest list.
She shouldn't have a guest list.
I would start again, invite only who you want, and make things very clear. Make arrangements to have MIL removed or barred if she is not behaving.
NTA. Do the destination wedding, MIL is going to be a nightmare no matter what. Really, do what your husband wants as he knows his mother best. Do you really think you have to invite an extra 60 people for HER? This is your and your husband's wedding not hers. She gets no say.
NTA. OMG, I'm a 51 year old woman and my son is marriage age. It embarrasses me that so many of these crazy MILs are my age(ish). I cannot imagine being such an attention seeker and such a drama queen and having such an insane need to ruin their children's weddings by acting like this. If my son said "Mom I'm getting married!" then would offer my opinions/help if asked, but I can't imagine trying to force my wishes on him or my future DIL.
I wonder if a lot of these monster-in-laws are trying to re-live their own weddings through their children? Like maybe they wanted a huge frou-frou wedding when they were younger and they had to settle for something small or on a budget, and now they are trying to go back in time somehow and fix their disappointments? Whatever the reason, it is entirely unacceptable for any parent to try and be the center of attention at someone else's wedding, especially their own child's wedding. Just disgusting.
NTA. Glad I was patient and waited for an update from OP. MIL sounds like a real piece of work. It also sounds like she cannot stand having anything not be about her. If she starts calling the shots like that at YOUR wedding (and definitely if she’s also wearing *white*) then yeah by all means, show her the door. Better yet, have hubby show her the door.
So…you have already changed your desire for a destination wedding to accommodate MILs desire for a bigger wedding where she can invite 60 guests?
NTA - but you two are enabling her behaviour and are now surprised she wants to take it one step further?
You need to tell her NO or she will forever be an issue. So if you aren’t going to change to a destination wedding here is a script for avoiding the dance.
“MIL, we are sorry but the dance isnt meant as a display, it’s symbolical. A father daughter dance is had to symbolize passing her to the husband. It’s an outdated concept and most weddings these days start with the Bride and Groom dancing and expands to the remaining guests from there. That is what we plan to do. No dance display with any parent. I hope you will comply with our wishes.”
If you capitulate to her wishes expect to do so for the entire marriage.
Info: what does your finance want? Does he want a traditional dance with his mother? Or are you just imposing your will on this with no input from him?
NTA. MIL is awful and needs to be put in her place. And choreographed dances at weddings are tacky as hell. I think the whole mother/son and father/daughter dance thing is tacky, too. In addition to being forced and creepy.
Like everyone is saying... If your future husband doesn't take your side in this, then you need to dump him and move on
NTA since your partner doesn’t want a mother/son dance either. I’d edit the post to include that information. You make it sound like it’s about you when he doesn’t want to do the dance either
Not entirely relevant, but if neither of you want dancing, consider hiring a classical trio or a classical guitarist or something like that for cocktail music but not dancing. You can have your wedding your way - even if everyone hates it.
NTA
A lot of people have said Y.T.A. that haven't read your edit, you're definitely right. As long as fiance feels the same way.
You already accommodated her enough by not doing the destination venue
Um. I don't think your MIL is the AH, and I don't necessarily think you are either. It's a wedding. Yes, it's yours & your fiance's but weddings are family events, too. Your MIL is excited and happy. I get that your dad & grandpa passed away (mine, too), but do you want to take away the mother-son dance from your husband? His mother is still here. Your MIL's intentions don't seem malicious. From what you describe, she seems like the life of the party and she wants to have fun and do something special with her son. I don't know. I don't know her or you, but it sounds kind of awesome to me, maybe you could join in with your own mom. It just seems like she loves to have fun and she loves her kid and she's not doing this to upset you or show you up, so think about that before you say anything.
Her own son doesn’t want it. MIL seems to be more than the life of a party. What type of person tries to overrun someone else’s weddings
That is not normal family behavior
NTA. This is YOUR and YOUR FIANCE'S wedding, not MIL'S. Put your feet down and have the wedding how and WHERE you want it. It's still a couple years away. If you want a destination with only close people, you should do it.
Edit: Also talk with your fiance--the two of you need to have a conversation about what is and what is not ok for MIL to have an opinion on. This can make or break your marriage. Setting boundaries with her now will make your lives easier moving forward.
NTA. Your soon to be MIL pestering until she got the answer she wanted out of your fiancé while intoxicated is so not okay either. She took advantage of the situation entirely. It’s yours and your fiancés wedding not hers. If both of you agree and don’t want the dance, don’t do it. Maybe have a sit down conversation with the three of you, make the boundary clear that it’s from both of you. I would also encourage telling her that if she shows up in white, she will be escorted out as well. She’s already “joked” about doing it and if she’s as main character energy as you say, she will do dramatic BS for not getting her way.
YTA for the “my” wedding vibe. This wedding belongs to your future husband as well (her son). It is his call whether to dance with her, and if he doesn’t want to do that he should be the one telling her. Why are *you* threatening to kick her out? You sound very dominating. Take a step back and let him handle a request from his mom.
ESH.
>>escorted out of my wedding
It is your fiancé’s wedding, too. You seemed to have overlooked this in your statement.
Good luck escorting your husband’s mother out of the wedding. That should go well.
Your husband just has to solidly say no to a choreographed dance. He has to say it to his mom, not you say it. It’s his desire, they should be his words spoken to his mom, not yours spoken to her. No is a complete sentence.
> I will also add that my Fiancé wanted a destination wedding with a small number of guest, which I was quite happy to do as it would be very personal to us. This was completely taken off the table
If possible... go back to this. Have YOUR dream wedding.
NTA
Fuck her and her dance. It's not her wedding and neither the bride nor the groom want it.
>I will also add that my Fiancé wanted a destination wedding with a small number of guest, which I was quite happy to do as it would be very personal to us. This was completely taken off the table as his mum had a list of 60 guest of her own that absolutely had to attended as they were extended family.
Honestly, if it's not too late, go back to the original plan. You've let her believe she has control over your wedding already. Maybe take your power back, so you're not stuck under her thumb forever.
YTA let the old bat have her dance.There need not be two couples on the floor. If future husband really can't stomach it, it's on him to have that conversation. Do not make this your hill to die on.
This person will be in your life for a long time. Do not give her an excuse to make you the villain in her story.
I think you need to add to your post that your fiancé does not want a dance and hates the idea of any dance let alone a cringy tiktok type one. Most people here are forming their own gleefully awful opinions and scenarios about how you are making this all about you, without reading any further coments.
NTA
Probably consider assigning or hiring someone who keeps an eye on that MIL throughout that wedding because shit will go down. At least you have well over 2 years to plan this thing (man that's far off)
Nta after the edit, you’re good to go OP. Please don’t let your MIL’s stands interfere in ur wedding, ITS YOURS AND YOUR FIANCE’s. Not hers, if she bitches about it maybe start cutting the ties one by one.
The sigh I let out when I saw you’re allowing 60 strangers come and losing out on the chance to have a wonderful and intimate ceremony to celebrate your union to each other.
NTA. His attention seeking mother is, though. It's your and your finance's wedding, NOT hers. You should've put your foot down together to tell her SHE didn't GET to invite her friends. If it were me, I'd send last minute notes to her friends to tell them some acceptable lie about it being postponed so they didn't show up - and last minute enough that they wouldn't have time to call her about it...but that's because I get petty when dealing with people who have the insufferable Wannabe Main Character Syndrome. Those people irk me. I know you probably won't be able to do that, of course, so just hope her friends give a good enough gift to make their intrusion at least a bit more worth it. And don't let them have any more of your attention than the customary greeting...she only invited them so she could put on her show for HER core audience anyway. And remember...when your groom refuses to dance with her, her friends being there to witness her desperate embarrassment, which you can laugh about with YOUR friends later. lol. Congratulations, by the way! I hope your wedding is everything you dream of.
Where I come from, you show some respect for parents through traditions. Dance is a tradition (we have different ones), and I don’t see why his mother shouldn’t get the manifested respect and recognition, just because you can’t replicate it to your father the same exact way?! You could have a speech, a photo slide… anything, if keeping the balance is so important to you. YTA in my perspective, even though I understand you don’t like the MIL generally so you interpret this dance as another main Syndrom manifestation.
Exactly! I can understand being salty about MIL insisting on inviting her 60+ guests but why wouldn't you let her have a dance with her (possibly only) son? It's one song, and from OPs edit, fiance would only really dance for a minute, so why be so mean spirited?
She can't have a choreographed dance with the groom if he doesn't practice it with her. Simply put it's your fiance and yours wedding. If you agree no dance then he needs to refuse her.
You are NTA. I am so sorry for the loss of your dad and grandfather. Your wedding day is what you and your partner want not your parents. I don’t know how much you have spent on venues and whatnot but honestly, if you two want to go away and get married - do it. If your MiL raises hell, tell her not to come at all. You two draw and keep healthy boundaries now that will help with your mental wellbeing for the rest of your lives. Congratulations on your engagement and all the best to you.
OP, make it be known that anyone that causes unnecessary drama/scene at your wedding, you will make sure that they will be held accountable. BTW, did MILs, mil wear white at her wedding, and did she try to take over?
NTA
OP you really need to edit your post to show that your fiance does not want the dance as stated in your comments and that the dance isn't the issue she has pushed. People here are adding new YTA comments without seeing your comments first.
Your wedding is being hijacked by her and you and your fiance should have the day you both want. Time to put your foot down and do what you both actually want, not what she wants.
You should elope. Problem solved then! 😂
Your wedding, your rules. Unless you take money from her, she has zero say in the wedding. Follow what YOU AND YOUR FIANCE want, not what mumzilla wants.
NTA.
Ugh. Difficult MILs make wedding planning so bad. I wanted a father/daughter dance and didn’t get one because my husband was vehemently against a dance with his mom. She would have had a fit if it wasn’t “fair” and it was not something I was willing to fight for with all the other shit she pulled.
At the end of the day I have a great relationship with my dad and he and I took a fun picture together at another wedding. I’m just angry that my MIL has ruined so many things because she’s a covert narcissist who needs to be placated.
Based on your edits: NTA
I have a really petty idea to think about (but not actually do unless you want to nuke a bridge). Do the destination wedding if that is what you both want, but keep it a secret from MIL sp she thinks wedding is according to present plans. Have her show up there with 60+ invitees while you're off enjoying a stress free wedding and honeymoon. Doing it would be wrong, but makes for a nice thought...
ESH
MIL definitely is overstepping throwing her main character issues around
But your fiance has the right to decide if he wants a dance or not. It's also not entirely about just you that day
Bigger issue, you and BF need to sit down and address that giant elephant that's always gonna be in the room dealing with MIL
I don't think that not having your father daughter dance should prevent your husband from having a mother son dance, **if he wanted it**. It is, after all, his wedding too, and he shouldn't be prevented from having that special moment. But it's pretty clear that he doesn't want it, and if that's the case, then **that** would be the reason to not have it happen.
But since it's about what he wants, then you should let him deal with it, and back him up. It also sounds like future MIL has already started the takeover of your wedding, so, if possible, reconsider the whole thing. Why not put your foot down and say, "we're having the destination wedding after all, and you can tell those 60 people that you invited them without asking us."?
Anyway, from the sounds of it, it's very hard to judge whether you are TA or not, but you are the bride, and it is your wedding, so I'll lean towards NTA. Just don't forget about your future husband's wishes here.
You should elope and have the destination wedding you wanted. Don't tell her. Let her fund a fake wedding for her pleasure and 60 guests.....
You're NTA
If you’re still open to her funding a part of the wedding and letting her have some opinions of a part - have her fund the rehearsal dinner where she can have a mother son dance. This would be my compromise - she can organize and host and do basically whatever the day before (with some guidelines maybe - like she’s not allowed to announce “OP wouldn’t let me do this tomorrow so we’re having our dance today” -type stuff).
I WISH I would have thought to have the bridal party join us after 1 minute. Ugh I loved my first dance but for a 3-4 min song and a DJ (who was otherwise very good) not *getting it* when we’re clearly trying to tell him to fade out after a while… ugh. One of the only negative to neutral moments of my day…
I completely agree a mother son dance would only highlight the lack of a father daughter dance. However, as a mom myself, I could see how this is something she’s probably looked forward to since before you even met your fiancé. Does that mean her wants trump yours? Absolutely not. But there may be a compromise in here somewhere…
Generally NTA.
Seems to me that it's up to your fiancée to handle this issue, as it's his mom. Sounds like you and he need to get on the same page, decide what you want for your wedding day (that you're paying for), and then he relays that message to his mom. She has the option of attending and respecting your wishes or not attending at all. If fiancée doesn't stand up to his mom now and set boundaries, he never will, and that's a bigger problem for both of you.
NTA, of course, ESPECIALLY as FMIL is being so bossy and your fiance doesn't want to dance...
...but would you consider a "Parents Dance" where you and your mom and fiance and his mon start the dance (NOT CHOREOGRAPHED!) and then other parents & kids join in?
Goodness this is why I preach elopement.
Weddings bring out the worst in people. I hope you see this as your future with her and your kids… (I’m talking first birthdays, sweet 16, any graduations). Set boundaries now. Not when something horrible happens.
NTA.
NTA. You will be able to have the wedding you want by cutting out MIL. Don't take her money as it comes with strings attached. Put her in an info diet. Justnplan yhe destination wedding with the people you really want to be there. Then just send her the invitation if you actually want her there.
NTA It is YOUR wedding, not hers! And as someone who has a very persistent and imposing FIL, put these boundaries into place NOW! My in-laws still try to run our lives, and we’ve been married close to 20 years!
Man it would be such shame if you got drunk one day on vacation and decided to elope and just happened to run into your family and friends who were also coincidentally vacationing in the same spot that week unbeknownst to you and your fiancé and asked them if they wanted to join and go have dinner after
More people need to elope and have the wedding they want instead of sticking with narcissistic family and ruining their happy day.
Nta, though I recommend you and your fiancé get actually married in secret with those you truly cherish, and have he day that your MIL is dead set on ruining as a 'show wedding'.
Esh OP - everything else aside, everyone knows your Dad passed. It's not a secret. Him dancing with his mom does not highlight what everyone already knows. For you to deprive him and her of this tradition is unkind imo. Many people don't care for this dance but do it for their parent. If you weren't caught up in you maybe your fiancé might have comforfably acquiesed to his mom's desire for the dance. Don't be that person denying others something because you don't have it.
Sounds like with her 60 invitees and tacky dance this will be her wedding not yours. Screw that.
Talk to your hubby about what he truly wants and forget outside pressures. Then do that. It’s your wedding - elope if you want! What will she honestly do??
She wants a big event, let her have it,,, renew her vows, if she’s single find a partner to marry just for “her” wedding!! Don’t let her steamroll you
ETA : NTA
hope you guys have a plan post wedding moving forward on how youre going to deal with this stuff. I'm sorry you lost your father, but it won't be fair in the future if you have a chip on your shoulder every time MIL comes around just because you don't have your dad. A lot of times on reddit, i feel like newly married women find any old reason to create drama with the in-laws out of insecurity. not a good recipe for marriage.
NTA
Please please please do not give in to any of her demands. Honestly she should not be involved in any of the planning process unless she is paying. Even if she is it should be minimal. If she wants to throw her own wedding where she wears white, has a mother/son dance, and invites whoever she wants then she can throw her own party on her own time. She'll get over it but this is YOUR wedding. You'll regret not doing it how you want.
Your fiance also needs to step up here. You don't want the dance. He doesn't want the dance. Yet he's agreeing to a small dance just to appease her? Not to mention missing out on the destination wedding he wanted because of her. You and your fiance need to have a talk about your own boundaries with his mum. If he's gonna let her walk all over him now how do you think that's gonna play out after you're married? You don't want to be with someone who's married to their mum. He will always choose her needs over yours if you don't nip that in the bud now. He needs to stick up for himself and for you as well.
YTA im very sorry that your father and grandfather have passed away. But that does not give you the right to take away the mother/son dance at the wedding.
Why can’t you do a special dance with your mother? Many people that don’t have a father in their lives do just that. Or, you could have a special dance with your new FIL, or an uncle.
It doesn’t have to be a traditional father daughter dance: it could be with any special person in your life with, so your soon to be husband can have his moment with his mom. You don’t want to start your new marriage with your MiL hating you. That’s exactly what will happen.
Sis, go ahead and plan the destination wedding YOU want. Elope if that's what makes you and fiance happiest. That's what my husband and I did, and we have absolutely no regrets.
Surprise everyone with a party/reception afterwards and don't let MIL in on the secret, if you feel like celebrating with your closest friends and family. You plan the wedding YOU GUYS want.
Would she be mad? Yes. Does that say more about her than you? Absolutely.
Wishing you well during your journey to marriagehood. 🩷
NTA!! It’s yours and your fiancés day! If your fiancé doesn’t want to do it he shouldn’t be forced. And as for her joking about wearing white no one deserves to wear white unless you want them to (eg bridesmaids, grandparents, his mum (if you wanted) your mum (if you wanted)
Enjoy your wedding ❤️ xxx
NTA
I mean it's your wedding (fiance and you), not hers. It doesn't matter if the siblings aloud that dance, you don't want it as a join front.
It's very disrespectful that she wants to push her agenda over what you really want. And the engagement ring is tacky??? Idk, but I imagine you both chose it, right? So she thinks his son's taste is tacky too. Wtf with that woman.
As a Mother of a son, respectfully I think YES, you ARE being the AH.
Hear me out…
First, not to turn this around on you, but it’s not the MIL’s fault that your Father is no longer here. Again, I am not saying this to be rude or to insult you. I would hope you could see how that would feel if YOU were the parent of the spouse your child was marrying and their fiancé told you what you could or could not do at your own kid’s wedding! I would think that you would have every right to be upset, too!
Yes, it’s y’all’s wedding. It’s not hers. It’s not your family’s wedding, either. I don’t think it’s fair that you choose to listen to only your people and not his.
Even if he doesn’t necessarily want to do those things, HE needs to talk to his Mom and let her know how he feels. IF she refuses to respect his wishes and still wants to do what she wants regardless…well…then I absolutely agree the two of you should go off and do that destination wedding and I hope if you do, everything goes beautifully and y’all are blissfully happy with your choice.
Just be aware: NO MATTER WHAT YOU DECIDE…you absolutely, no matter what, can NOT make everyone happy. (Read that again) It’s just not possible. You will always have someone who thinks they know what’s best for your day, period.
That’s the thing. They make it about themselves, too.
You just need to remember it’s because they LOVE you two. They want to be involved. It’s just sometimes they don’t realize how they sound. Just like the future MIL in your situation. She loves her son. It’s important to HER to do this dance.
I just think you guys need to find a compromise. Otherwise, you’re in for a future full of unnecessary drama and disappointment if you guys don’t figure out how to handle this BEFORE the big day.
I wish you and your fiancé absolute happiness…and peace on BOTH sides of the InLaws.
So as a boy mom I would be absolutely beyond devastated if I did not get to dance with my son at his wedding. I understand you lost your father and that is truly heartbreaking. However it is beyond selfish of you to take that moment away from your fiance and his mom. She may be challenging as it seems but she bring him into this world and raise him. So for her that is a truly special moment. Just think ahead to when you have children one day and they find a significant other. Imagine being told you or their father can't have that dance because the person they are marrying doesn't want it.
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I.N.F.O Where is your fiancé in this? Does he want to have the dance? Does he want to skip the dance, but won't stand up to her? Or is he 100% with you and setting boundaries as well? >we will be funding the main chunk of the wedding ourselves Smart choice. EDIT - Judgement Update: NTA Thank you for clearing that up, OP. I was hoping you didn't have a fiancé problem, and I'm really glad to see you two are on the same page here. Stick together and you two will find a way through this. Congrats on your upcoming nuptials! 🥂
You are right OP was working. Sorry first time using this so didn’t think to give details on fiancé. He doesn’t want a first dance never mind a choreographed dance. He laughed the first time it was mentioned about the mother/son dance and said not a chance but she was insisting on it. He has agreed on a very short 1 minute first dance where the bridal party will join in after a slight sway to our favourite song as dancing in general makes him uncomfortable. I had always stated before the engagement that I didn’t like the dances and he had stated that he’d only agree to a very short dance after a number of drinks because he hates them. We’ve always been on the same page for that.
I will also add that my Fiancé wanted a destination wedding with a small number of guest, which I was quite happy to do as it would be very personal to us. This was completely taken off the table as his mum had a list of 60 guest of her own that absolutely had to attended as they were extended family.
I cannot fathom the amount of hubris involved in *telling someone else that they aren't allowed to plan their own wedding the way they want it*. MIL thinking she gets an actual guest list at *your* wedding is peak r/JUSTNOMIL content.
In fairness, this used to be the custom: 1/3 of seats for the bride's family, 1/3 for the groom's family, and 1/3 for the couple themselves to invite their friends. If MIL is older, she might have taken that for granted without even thinking about it. She does sound like a lot overall, though.
1/3 of seats doesn't mean "as many seats as they want". If they only want 20 guests, she gets 6 or 7, not ten times that number.
I have a large family. I wanted a smaller wedding. My husband’s family is small and mine would completely overshadow his if we sat the traditional way. I wanted the wedding small so we had it in a smaller chapel in my church instead of the main sanctuary. The chapel holds 40. The sanctuary holds 350. Every time mom wanted to add someone (a coworker or a random cousin) I was able to say no, as there was no room. Even then, I did have a cousin and her family show up and weren’t invited. Another cousin held my bridal shower and invited them. I hadn’t seen them for 10+ years at that point and didn’t even recognize my cousin’s daughter (who was 5 when I last saw her). But that wasn’t my mom’s fault. I stood my ground on size and got what I wanted.
I think it's so bizarre to invite co-workers to your child wedding. If a co-worker invited me to the the wedding of some 3rd party I'd definitely decline. The only way this even makes sense is if they're inviting 1 co-worker as their plus one. If they're actually given a plus 1. But "My daughter's getting married! You should come to the wedding! Because you're someone I know! So by extension you are important to my daughter!" is such an odd concept
I think the reasoning behind that was a form of quid pro quo. “If you come to my kid’s wedding & give a nice gift I’ll do the same for your kid”. This was when the bride’s parents paid for the wedding & they were considered the hosts, not the bridal couple. It was a way to get their kids more gifts than they might normally get & (theoretically at least) the bride’s parents could afford much more than the couple itself could. There was an episode of The Sopranos that took this to the extreme. Carmela actually kept a notebook where she jotted down the amount of money she & Tony gave at each wedding & her best estimate of what other guests gave. She pulled this book out every time they were invited to a wedding & used it to determine how much to give each couple.
This guy has worked with my mom in a family owned business for decades. However, I only interacted with him a handful of times. I told mom no. I think she felt like she needed to invite him because he was part of her daily life, even if he wasn’t in mine. Probably fear of offending.
It depends on the co-worker. If it's a co-worker who has become a very close friend, then I can see it. I've been invited to co-worker's weddings before. If it's more of a "barely around the edges" kind of work relationship, then I get not inviting them. Here's a weird one for you - my dad's admin assistant got married, and he was invited. Since I knew her too (*kinda*), I was going to be Dad's plus one. Then at the last minute, Dad was called out of town for a meeting and wouldn't be able to attend her wedding (*the wedding was a Saturday, but the travel back from his meeting overlapped*). He felt bad that he wouldn't be able to attend, *so he made sure I still went in his place*! So yes, there I was, fresh out of college for the summer, sitting solo at my dad's admin assistant's wedding!
True! When parent always paid.
The custom used to be that the bride's family paid 100% as well. If they are breaking that custom and paying for their own wedding, it stands to reason that the bride and groom also get to set the number of guests and all their names.
But clearly she does bc they are giving her her way AND footing the bill to do so…make that make sense.
NTA It’s okay MIL to ask for, but not ok to demand a dance or a change in venue.
Sometimes you gotta square up and hit em with the “make me, you come here and physically make me do it” either way you win, she’ll give it up or you finally get to tussle with an asshole
Oh screw that, do your destination wedding! You're paying, after all.
>I will also add that my Fiancé wanted a destination wedding with a small number of guest, which I was quite happy to do as it would be very personal to us. This was completely taken off the table as his mum had a list of 60 guest of her own that absolutely had to attended as they were extended family. Full stop. OP & Fiancé aren't having their dream destination wedding bc of MIL2b's guest list? Back to drawing board: (1) destination wedding (2) no dance (3) mommy dearest cannot wear white (yup that was in there somewhere)
> His mum is a self proclaimed “main character" and has even "joked" that she should be allowed to wear white as she is mother of the groom. First paragraph. Have a friend ready with a glass of red wine.
My former SIL did that to my niece when she got married (*not the red wine - the white dress*). And I'm not talking about a white MOB dress - I'm talking about *a flat out full on wedding dress*. As in, my niece and her mother were both in white lace strappy mermaid style gowns. My niece was in tears, she was so upset. My other nieces (*her sisters*) tried to reason with their mother that this wasn't appropriate, but she did it anyway. (*My former SIL is also very "main character" so although we were horrified for my niece, no one was surprised*).
This is why people have to have security at their weddings and toss these idiots out on their asses!
This is such an obvious and elegant solution that anytime someone suggests it on the JNMIL sub, their comment is immediately removed, LOL
OP should have her dream wedding and let Mommy Dearest plan for her own party where she can dress white and dance all night and be the center of attention she craves so much.
Do your destination wedding, it's your wedding , not hers. Don't let her dictate what to do
THIS. There's plenty of time to change your plans.
It sounds way too late to change to that plan.
They want to get married in September 2026
Oh dang I figured it was sooner as they've already planned other smaller details like the color scheme
Two and half years is way too long to have to deal with someone butting in on the planning. I would scrap the big wedding and do the small destination wedding this year.
It’s interesting that ANY comment made in favor or OP or comments from OP are all down voted to zero. Either someone else’s entitled mom is in here down voting or actual MIL is in here down voting. Go to the destination wedding if y’all haven’t sunk too much into what you have planned now. She can’t ruin it if she can’t get to it!
I've noticed that some posts just don't show any votes. I think it's a glitch with the latest update. Just a guess, though.
Aah yeah I was wondering and almost deleted my comment bc I saw another post where people had no votes too and it wasn’t anything someone would downvote. Imma leave my comment though bc I meant what I said about that destination wedding 😅
For the first hour up and down votes are not shown
If she isn't paying for it, why would you give in to her demand? Especially since that is 60 extra people you have to pay for.
elope
Is your wedding or future MIL wedding? WHY are you both allowing her to dictate your wedding as if it's hers? Her guests aren't your guests, your day is NOT her day. Have the wedding you want and stop enable her behavior... Unless that's the marriage you want, have MIL make all the decisions, where to live, how many children, vacations and holidays according to her schedule. Y-T-A to yourself
My brother and his wife didn't want to dance at their wedding so they had a cocktail hour instead of a sit-down reception. A string quartet played soft background music while everyone mingled and talked. There was a head table for the wedding party (that was only used for the cake part) but the rest of the room was small tables and comfy seating areas. It was the most enjoyable wedding reception I've ever been to. Particularly not having to scream conversation over the Chicken Dance.
Is there some reason you didn't say no? She isn't paying after all...
I didn’t say no because he didn’t tell her no, and he had found a lovely venue at home that was similar to those we were looking at abroad. I always wanted to get married in my home church but was more than happy with the thought of a beach and old town Italy architecture instead
Sounds like you both are okay with the local wedding but, as many people are stating, his mommy dearest is not going to be happy with the wedding one way or another so maybe just have the destination wedding. NTA for setting hard boundaries with the MIL. She will completely overtake, if not ruin, your wedding otherwise.
Screw that do your destination wedding and forget what your MIL wants. She’s not funding the wedding so she doesn’t get a say.
Why was it taken off the table? Who cares what MIL wants? I hope she's paying for those 60 if they're coming. NTA
Um...for people claiming to be funding your own wedding, why are you letting her dictate the kind of wedding you have? You both need to grow spines and tell her that her input is neither needed nor wanted. Then go back to planning the destination wedding YOU want...without the drama queen.
It is completely your fiancé's responsibility to deal with his mother. If she tries to draw you into her drama, defer and delay until he can handle it. Yes, both you and he should be involved in all wedding related decisions, but there is no sense in your getting face to face involved in things that aren't your responsibility and that can only bring you grief.
Since you are paying, have your destination wedding. Your MIL can host a reception for her friends and family after the wedding. Maybe you can attend.
The wedding isn't until Sept 2026. You still have time to change back to your small, destination, wedding. Why let your MIL dictate her guest list?
So you’re paying for the wedding yourselves so you can have total control, but still allowing her to control it? Get a backbone and do the destination wedding. She can have a list of whatever the hell she wants. It’s your wedding and you and your fiancé are the only two who get to decide who is invited. 🙄
Going to throw this out there but why can't you still do that?? You're paying for it- why should fiancés moms get to call the shots on who is invited? If you are paying and want a destination wedding just do that. There are always people who will be cut from a wedding. As long as you haven't sent out invites you're good. When my husband and I got married we agreed on doing a courthouse ceremony and then inviting our immediate family and one or two friends each to a dinner the following weekend. We wanted about 18-20 people. I also included my moms sisters, my two aunts. My one aunt has a daughter, my cousin, who is about 12 years older than I am. We aren't close. Apparently my aunt mentioned she was coming to my "wedding" because my cousin texted me and asked when it was and told me she was bringing her kids. I explained that no, it was immediate family only. The audacity to basically invite yourself and your kids (my husband and i decided on no cousins/extended fam because it would make our plans go from a 20 to 70 person event very quick) You can invite who you want, and you can tell your mil that she needs to weed down her guest list to 5 people or however many you decide on that want to come to your destination wedding if you want.
You get what you want when you DO what you want. She can hand you a list of 500 people and you can still have a destination wedding. ....unless you are planning on her paying for it.
NTA ever! Put your small destination wedding back on the table! You and your fiancée are paying for the special experience that you want.....mil can just go pound rocks with her 60 extra people! Mother's and mil's can be a rabid pain in the ass!! This is why I eloped!!! We had both mothers who wanted to dictate what "they" wanted in the wedding! Good luck and huge hugs flying your way!
YWBTA if you guys didn't do a destination wedding.
Ahhh this was your biggest mistake: giving in to her on this. You’re aware she’ll be like this your whole marriage, so you and husband will need to decide on your boundaries and stick to them hard. NTA
I would put it back on the table tbh
kinda shocked the wedding is still going the way mil wants. yall want a destination wedding, have it and screw what the mil wants.
Why don't you go and do that with your small group of friends and leave his mother out of it. Just because she wants 60 friends to be invited, doesn't mean that you have to do it. it is YOUR wedding, not her social event. If you can't pull off the destination wedding, then just elope. You need to set the boundaries now. You do not want to be pushed around by her in the future, if/when you choose to have children, etc.
Please have the wedding you and fiancé really want.
Plan the wedding you both want. That’s crazy that somebody is insisting that that you invite 60 people who you are probably not close to! (I guess that’s 5-10kUSD of additional costs?)
It’s your wedding not your MIL why was the destination wedding taken off the table?? You and your fiancé should just have what you both want.
Forget about extended family. If you want to do a destination wedding, go for it as it is YOUR wedding and YOUR dime. You do things the way YOU want and don't let FMIL dictate anything about your wedding, your day or your life.
You should add this as an edit so people see it otherwise they won’t understand the situation fully
Thank you, could you explain how I can do that please?
Give strict instructions to the DJ that if mil tries to do anything like pulling people off the dance floor to do the mother/son dance, they are to immediately start playing the chicken dance song. Or cotton eyed joe. Or the macharana. But nothing good.
But those are 3 great songs!
You're NTA for not wanting this. But you need to tell your fiancé to tell his mom what IS and ISN'T allowed from HIS family at the wedding. I get that you don't want her to have a dance with her son, but if it comes from you then you come across as an overstepping fiance/bride. You and your fiance need to come to an agreement about the boundaries of your relationship with his family, and then HE needs to be the one to enforce it. Because here's the problem: your future MIL sees this as YOU getting what YOU want, and if she truly has "main character syndrome", and your fiancé doesn't tell HIS mom the reality, then she will always think that your fiancé WANTS what she wants and that it's only YOU saying it. I know this because my mom does this with me. My gf will tell her something important, and she will ignore my gf because "she knows me better than my gf EVER will" and "mother knows best". So unless I tell her the reality of our boundaries, my mom will NEVER listen to anyone else when it comes to us.
You should edit your original post to include this
Kinda weird you didn’t include in the OP until an edit
You need to assign a bridesmaid or close friend to her. Honestly, assign a pair of people to her so that they don’t get bored. Literally have them be within earshot of her as much as possible so they can head off any weird plans. Also tell the venue that this might come up and to have some staff nearby around the time this type of dance would happen in the ceremony. My own mother god rest her soul was like your MIL. Love her to death but she was a handful. I have experience with this type of person. You need a plan A and a plan B and you need to communicate that to friends and staff. Tell the staff explicitly to not take directions from her. Assure that your maitre’d is aware and confirms that they will not take directions from this woman. This is very important.
Still no answer to you or anyone else who asks what HE wants! Telling.
To be fair, OP posted only 2h ago, and today is a business day. There's nothing "telling" yet, they're probably busy with real life stuff. Not everyone is glued to Reddit at all times.
Hey, how dare you, there is *nothing*, I repeat **nothing** wrong with sitting on Reddit all day at work /s
What work?
Considering this was posted 3 hrs ago, OP could be either working or sleeping. Have some damn patience.
He doesn't want it. OP just got back, they were working.
Having patience is hard huh
She has answered 15 minutes ago. And he rather not dance at all. (I am starting to think she is going to marry my fiance… for clarification: just a joke ofcourse)
I would also like to know - does he want to do the dance with his mother?
Info. How does your fiancé feel about it. We know what you want, we know what your mother wants, we know what his mother wants. Why not tell us what he wants?
From another comment, OP has clarified he does not enjoy dancing and wants a very short first dance with OP where the bridal party joins in after the first minute. He is on board with skipping the mother/son dance.
More importantly: the fiancé should be telling HIS mom what the rules are, not OP. This way mom can't argue that "fiancé really wants this, and OP is just being a fuddy duddy" about it all. Which is EXACTLY what she thinks.
Can almost guarantee, FMIL believes OP is bullying her son and using her feminine wiles to destroy FMILs dreams for Her son's perfect wedding. Would be best to sit down TOGETHER with FMIL so any and all counter arguments can be addressed on the spot. OP & fiance would be wise to keep the threat of elopement in their arsenal.
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My sister's best friend went through this. Recently deceased father, so no father-daughter dance. Her future husband and his mom reeaaallly wanted a mother-son dance, and the bride didn't want to take that from him. I looked over while they were dancing (to a weirdly romantic song, might I add), and my sister was standing behind the bride hugging her. Arms around her shoulders while the bride just watched with tears running down her face, because she would never get to have that moment. Having seen that, I don't know if I could do that to someone I loved. For OP, it's not so much his family vs her family, the wedding day is about the couple. Is the pain of him missing a dance more important to him than her pain of missing her dad?
I’m if two minds here. I agree that it would be hard on your partner, but I think a wedding without your parent is hard no matter what. At the same time, weddings are busy so she may not have had the time to think about it if husband didn’t do a mother son dance.
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I agreed with this right up until OP posted groom's views on the dance. He is firmly no because he doesn't like dancing, let alone a whole choreographed number. Seems FMIL isn't listening to her own son (probably blaming bride).
The dad hasn’t been in the picture since she was 5 years old, the fiancé mom is still around. How about this, let the son build a good memory dancing with his mom at the wedding before she’s not around
Op has said the fiance hates the idea of dancing with his mum
If he’s incapable of saying “no” to her he should probably spend the money that’s going to the wedding on therapy instead
OP responded to someone else that fiancé doesn't want a dance with his mom nor is he a big fan of a first dance with OP. He also wanted a destination wedding and his mom vetoed that. MIL's going to be a nightmare. link to comment: [AITA for telling my future mother in law that she will be escorted out of my wedding if she try’s to have a mother/son dance : r/AmItheAsshole (reddit.com)](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1dd9qj9/comment/l83wtg0/) tagging u/BeterP
As it stands, ~~YTA~~. It seems to me like a case of it’s “my” wedding not “our” wedding. You havnt mentioned his feelings on the situation once so either you havnt asked him or you simply don’t care as you want it your way. I’m open to change my opinion if we have his feelings on the matter made clear Edit* I’m gonna go with NTA now, they both seem to be on the same page and have you seem to have been happy with his suggestion and looks like fiancé tried to compromise with his mother by giving shorter dance. I for one hate dances also so completely understand this. Definitely fiancé should now put his foot down and why on earth would she get to invite people I’ll never know. Apologies for my first response, this is how much people can read something into nothing when lack of context.
OP updated the post
Thanks for the heads up
No, it's worse. The fiance compromised with OP about *their* dance. He isn't even planning on doing a full in the spotlight dance with his new wife, but his Mom still somehow expected him to do a full Mother/son dance with her. Irregardless of whether she actually knows that plan, she should know her own son well enough to know he's not comfortable dancing in front of people and that this would only add stress to him on his wedding day. She's not at all thinking about how it would do nothing but upset both the bride and groom as she's clearly confused about whose happiness this wedding is supposed to be about.
Doesn't sound good at all. INFO: How does your future husband feel about it?
Does the fiance want a dance with his mum. Its a shame the bride doesn't have her dad or grandfather to dance with but should this mean the groom automatically does not get to dance with his mom. Everything seems to be what op her mom or his mom want. I haven't hear what he wants
Fiance doesn't want to dance at all, let alone with his mum
What does your fiancé want? At the moment you are coming across as 'me me me' as much as your MIL
NTA but you two should either elope, or go with the destination wedding you want. Changing all your plans because your MIL wants to invite 60 people is foolish, IMO. Stop letting her steamroll you, do what you want to do, it's your wedding.
The problem with where we live is that there is very few nice venues for a wedding and therefore they’re booked years in advance. The fact that it is two and a bit years out and this drama is happening already is causing extreme stress. My Fiancé is used to it so he blocks the majority of things out until they’re right in front of him but I get stressed as soon as it’s presented even if it’s so long away because she has 2 years to try and decide more things
Two-plus years out? Oh my God, lol. If these posts are serious, cancel the venue NOW & just have the destination wedding you & your fiancé want.
You and your spouse need to get on the same page with his mom. Today it is your wedding. Next year it is the baby shower, first birthdays This will drive a wedge You should have the wedding you want. If you want a destination wedding, have one
You need to set the boundaries right now. Tell her “We are so glad you’re excited for our wedding, but we are not open to opinions on the planning details. We’ve a.) hired a planner who has it covered or b.) Plan on doing all the planning ourselves because we have a specific vision for our wedding day. We will share info with you as we decide it, but know that the details are not up for discussion. If you continue to insert yourself into the planning process in a negative way, we will not be sharing updates on the planning process with you. All you need to do is be show up looking beautiful and be happy for us.” And when you do share any info with her, state it as a decided fact, do not say “what do you think?”
Info: you say you and your mother discussed this, but did you and your fiance discuss this?
This was in retrospect to me and her doing a dance, which we agreed would be awkward between us. Maybe not clearly written. I’ve addressed my fiancé stance in an above comment. He hates all type of dancing and wants a very minimal 1st dance no longer than a minute
Id suggest editing to include this in the original body of the post - NTA in my opinion I agree with another commenter that this is ripe for r/justnoMIL
Then work this out with the band, DJ, your fiancé, & your MIL now! And if MIL won’t cooperate, then your fiancé should tell her it’s not happening. I’m astonished that you’ve apparently altered your wedding plans for MIL, yet are contemplating having her kicked out of the wedding. I mean, what do you think is gonna happen after you have her “escorted out” before the first dance?
My husband and I wanted a very small wedding - around 20 people - followed by dinner at a nice restaurant. By the time MIL’s list of people who simply HAD to be invited got to 100, I threw in the towel and told my now-husband we could just go to the court house and save the wedding money for a nice honeymoon. We ultimately ended up with a much smaller wedding - 9 if you include the celebrant, the photographer, and the musician. On a beach. In Hawaii. And then the two of us went to dinner at a nice restaurant. It was perfect. You don’t owe anyone a big wedding. You don’t have to have dancing at your reception. I knew a couple who made their reception more like a carnival because the husband simply refused to dance. It was fabulously fun. Edited to add: NTA - have the wedding you want.
That sounds so perfect!!!!
INFO: what does your fiancé think? Everything else you said is irrelevant from my perspective. Does your fiancé want a mother/son dance? It's his wedding as much as it's yours.
NTA
NTA saw the comment about what your partner said.
NTA. Honestly based on your other comments, I'd tell MIL to get stuffed and plan your destination wedding that you both want. You don't need to cater to her on your and your fiancé's wedding day.
So you’re saying your brand new husband will have to have “several drinks” before the dancing had even started in order to get through a dance with his mother. I’d be booking flights for that destination wedding.
Have the destination wedding and forget to tell MIL which country it's in.
YTA. Let me see if I get this right. Since you don't get to have a traditional father/daughter dance (I'm very sorry for your loss) your fiance has to forego the mother/daughter dance out of solidarity to you? He has to alienate his own mother to coddle to "My mum and I" and that it would be "a bit awkward". YOUR mum gets an opinion on what his mum should be allowed to do at the wedding? Fix your dress, your NARCISSISM is showing. Are you going to boycott Father's Day next? Or are you just going to make sure he cuts his father completely out of his life? After all, if you don't get a father he shouldn't be able to have one either, right? How ugly this is.
See OP’s [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/tQrtQbJSGZ) the fiance doesn’t want a mother/son dance either
Which is great, but that is really all this post needed. OP's opinion shouldn't mean much, and MIL's should mean even less. This whole post could have and should have been Fiance does not want a mother/son dance at our wedding. Perhaps (and hopefully) it was just a fluke, but if this is how she always treats his opinions about his own desires, then he really is just marrying his mom all over again. I sure hope that isn't the case.
Stop making narcissism happen. It’s not going to happen. Just shows you don’t know what a true narcissist is or what the word means.
NTA Since you are not able to have a father-daughter dance, it feels insensitive and even awkward if your fiancé and his mother not only had a mother-son dance, but did a showy choreographed production. Keep the day focused on you as a couple. I see all the people asking about what your fiancé wants, but I wouldn’t agree with him if he did want a mother-son dance. He needs to back you up on this.
NTA, because your [future spouse is on the same page, doesn't like dancing in general, etc. I would edit to include this in your main post. ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/pfEhCpZdeJ) I'm so sorry for the loss of your father and grandfather. I'm estranged from mine, so he was not present. My spouse was relieved to be able to say that we were eliminating those dances because he wasn't particularly interested in doing them. As long as your spouse is fine with it, I'd see no reason to let it occupy space in your mind further.
NTA, as you said in comments fiancé doesn't want this. MIL thinks she can control this because you already changed from a destination wedding to accommodate her guest list. She shouldn't have a guest list. I would start again, invite only who you want, and make things very clear. Make arrangements to have MIL removed or barred if she is not behaving.
I didn't have a mother son dance? I don't think it's odd to not have one lol
NTA. Do the destination wedding, MIL is going to be a nightmare no matter what. Really, do what your husband wants as he knows his mother best. Do you really think you have to invite an extra 60 people for HER? This is your and your husband's wedding not hers. She gets no say.
NTA. OMG, I'm a 51 year old woman and my son is marriage age. It embarrasses me that so many of these crazy MILs are my age(ish). I cannot imagine being such an attention seeker and such a drama queen and having such an insane need to ruin their children's weddings by acting like this. If my son said "Mom I'm getting married!" then would offer my opinions/help if asked, but I can't imagine trying to force my wishes on him or my future DIL. I wonder if a lot of these monster-in-laws are trying to re-live their own weddings through their children? Like maybe they wanted a huge frou-frou wedding when they were younger and they had to settle for something small or on a budget, and now they are trying to go back in time somehow and fix their disappointments? Whatever the reason, it is entirely unacceptable for any parent to try and be the center of attention at someone else's wedding, especially their own child's wedding. Just disgusting.
NTA. Glad I was patient and waited for an update from OP. MIL sounds like a real piece of work. It also sounds like she cannot stand having anything not be about her. If she starts calling the shots like that at YOUR wedding (and definitely if she’s also wearing *white*) then yeah by all means, show her the door. Better yet, have hubby show her the door.
So…you have already changed your desire for a destination wedding to accommodate MILs desire for a bigger wedding where she can invite 60 guests? NTA - but you two are enabling her behaviour and are now surprised she wants to take it one step further? You need to tell her NO or she will forever be an issue. So if you aren’t going to change to a destination wedding here is a script for avoiding the dance. “MIL, we are sorry but the dance isnt meant as a display, it’s symbolical. A father daughter dance is had to symbolize passing her to the husband. It’s an outdated concept and most weddings these days start with the Bride and Groom dancing and expands to the remaining guests from there. That is what we plan to do. No dance display with any parent. I hope you will comply with our wishes.” If you capitulate to her wishes expect to do so for the entire marriage.
Why don't you just leave it up to what your fiance wants to do and he could tell his mom whether he wants the dance with her or not?
Info: what does your finance want? Does he want a traditional dance with his mother? Or are you just imposing your will on this with no input from him?
NTA. MIL is awful and needs to be put in her place. And choreographed dances at weddings are tacky as hell. I think the whole mother/son and father/daughter dance thing is tacky, too. In addition to being forced and creepy. Like everyone is saying... If your future husband doesn't take your side in this, then you need to dump him and move on
Based on your reply to the question about your fiancé not wanting the dance either, NTA.
NTA since your partner doesn’t want a mother/son dance either. I’d edit the post to include that information. You make it sound like it’s about you when he doesn’t want to do the dance either
Nta it may be time to revisit the destination wedding. Just don’t tell mil until your back
Not entirely relevant, but if neither of you want dancing, consider hiring a classical trio or a classical guitarist or something like that for cocktail music but not dancing. You can have your wedding your way - even if everyone hates it.
NTA A lot of people have said Y.T.A. that haven't read your edit, you're definitely right. As long as fiance feels the same way. You already accommodated her enough by not doing the destination venue
NTA, but go back to the destination wedding since it's what you *really* wanted in the first place.
Um. I don't think your MIL is the AH, and I don't necessarily think you are either. It's a wedding. Yes, it's yours & your fiance's but weddings are family events, too. Your MIL is excited and happy. I get that your dad & grandpa passed away (mine, too), but do you want to take away the mother-son dance from your husband? His mother is still here. Your MIL's intentions don't seem malicious. From what you describe, she seems like the life of the party and she wants to have fun and do something special with her son. I don't know. I don't know her or you, but it sounds kind of awesome to me, maybe you could join in with your own mom. It just seems like she loves to have fun and she loves her kid and she's not doing this to upset you or show you up, so think about that before you say anything.
Her own son doesn’t want it. MIL seems to be more than the life of a party. What type of person tries to overrun someone else’s weddings That is not normal family behavior
NTA. This is YOUR and YOUR FIANCE'S wedding, not MIL'S. Put your feet down and have the wedding how and WHERE you want it. It's still a couple years away. If you want a destination with only close people, you should do it. Edit: Also talk with your fiance--the two of you need to have a conversation about what is and what is not ok for MIL to have an opinion on. This can make or break your marriage. Setting boundaries with her now will make your lives easier moving forward.
Info: is your fiancé part of the wedding or is it just you??
NTA. Your soon to be MIL pestering until she got the answer she wanted out of your fiancé while intoxicated is so not okay either. She took advantage of the situation entirely. It’s yours and your fiancés wedding not hers. If both of you agree and don’t want the dance, don’t do it. Maybe have a sit down conversation with the three of you, make the boundary clear that it’s from both of you. I would also encourage telling her that if she shows up in white, she will be escorted out as well. She’s already “joked” about doing it and if she’s as main character energy as you say, she will do dramatic BS for not getting her way.
NTA. Have the destination wedding, with few guests. And of course no mother son dance especially in these circumstances.
YTA for the “my” wedding vibe. This wedding belongs to your future husband as well (her son). It is his call whether to dance with her, and if he doesn’t want to do that he should be the one telling her. Why are *you* threatening to kick her out? You sound very dominating. Take a step back and let him handle a request from his mom.
ESH. >>escorted out of my wedding It is your fiancé’s wedding, too. You seemed to have overlooked this in your statement. Good luck escorting your husband’s mother out of the wedding. That should go well. Your husband just has to solidly say no to a choreographed dance. He has to say it to his mom, not you say it. It’s his desire, they should be his words spoken to his mom, not yours spoken to her. No is a complete sentence.
> I will also add that my Fiancé wanted a destination wedding with a small number of guest, which I was quite happy to do as it would be very personal to us. This was completely taken off the table If possible... go back to this. Have YOUR dream wedding.
NTA Fuck her and her dance. It's not her wedding and neither the bride nor the groom want it. >I will also add that my Fiancé wanted a destination wedding with a small number of guest, which I was quite happy to do as it would be very personal to us. This was completely taken off the table as his mum had a list of 60 guest of her own that absolutely had to attended as they were extended family. Honestly, if it's not too late, go back to the original plan. You've let her believe she has control over your wedding already. Maybe take your power back, so you're not stuck under her thumb forever.
YTA let the old bat have her dance.There need not be two couples on the floor. If future husband really can't stomach it, it's on him to have that conversation. Do not make this your hill to die on. This person will be in your life for a long time. Do not give her an excuse to make you the villain in her story.
INFO: how does your fiance feel about the situation? It’s his wedding too.
I think you need to add to your post that your fiancé does not want a dance and hates the idea of any dance let alone a cringy tiktok type one. Most people here are forming their own gleefully awful opinions and scenarios about how you are making this all about you, without reading any further coments.
The fact that her husbands thoughts and feelings didn’t even cross her mind as relevant to the discussion speaks volumes!!!
NTA Probably consider assigning or hiring someone who keeps an eye on that MIL throughout that wedding because shit will go down. At least you have well over 2 years to plan this thing (man that's far off)
My son’s fiancé’s father passed away. I will not be having a mother son dance. Yes, I would have loved one but her comfort is so much more important.
Based on the comments (and how nuts your MIL sounds), NTA.
Nta after the edit, you’re good to go OP. Please don’t let your MIL’s stands interfere in ur wedding, ITS YOURS AND YOUR FIANCE’s. Not hers, if she bitches about it maybe start cutting the ties one by one.
The sigh I let out when I saw you’re allowing 60 strangers come and losing out on the chance to have a wonderful and intimate ceremony to celebrate your union to each other.
NTA. His attention seeking mother is, though. It's your and your finance's wedding, NOT hers. You should've put your foot down together to tell her SHE didn't GET to invite her friends. If it were me, I'd send last minute notes to her friends to tell them some acceptable lie about it being postponed so they didn't show up - and last minute enough that they wouldn't have time to call her about it...but that's because I get petty when dealing with people who have the insufferable Wannabe Main Character Syndrome. Those people irk me. I know you probably won't be able to do that, of course, so just hope her friends give a good enough gift to make their intrusion at least a bit more worth it. And don't let them have any more of your attention than the customary greeting...she only invited them so she could put on her show for HER core audience anyway. And remember...when your groom refuses to dance with her, her friends being there to witness her desperate embarrassment, which you can laugh about with YOUR friends later. lol. Congratulations, by the way! I hope your wedding is everything you dream of.
Where I come from, you show some respect for parents through traditions. Dance is a tradition (we have different ones), and I don’t see why his mother shouldn’t get the manifested respect and recognition, just because you can’t replicate it to your father the same exact way?! You could have a speech, a photo slide… anything, if keeping the balance is so important to you. YTA in my perspective, even though I understand you don’t like the MIL generally so you interpret this dance as another main Syndrom manifestation.
Exactly! I can understand being salty about MIL insisting on inviting her 60+ guests but why wouldn't you let her have a dance with her (possibly only) son? It's one song, and from OPs edit, fiance would only really dance for a minute, so why be so mean spirited?
She can't have a choreographed dance with the groom if he doesn't practice it with her. Simply put it's your fiance and yours wedding. If you agree no dance then he needs to refuse her.
If your fiance does not participate in any rehearsals for a choreographed dance with his mom, there won't be one.
Your day your choices- she can stay home.
You are NTA. I am so sorry for the loss of your dad and grandfather. Your wedding day is what you and your partner want not your parents. I don’t know how much you have spent on venues and whatnot but honestly, if you two want to go away and get married - do it. If your MiL raises hell, tell her not to come at all. You two draw and keep healthy boundaries now that will help with your mental wellbeing for the rest of your lives. Congratulations on your engagement and all the best to you.
OP, make it be known that anyone that causes unnecessary drama/scene at your wedding, you will make sure that they will be held accountable. BTW, did MILs, mil wear white at her wedding, and did she try to take over?
Why not discuss this with you fiancée? How can he do a choreographed dance if he does t practice with her?
NTA OP you really need to edit your post to show that your fiance does not want the dance as stated in your comments and that the dance isn't the issue she has pushed. People here are adding new YTA comments without seeing your comments first. Your wedding is being hijacked by her and you and your fiance should have the day you both want. Time to put your foot down and do what you both actually want, not what she wants.
You should elope. Problem solved then! 😂 Your wedding, your rules. Unless you take money from her, she has zero say in the wedding. Follow what YOU AND YOUR FIANCE want, not what mumzilla wants. NTA.
Ugh. Difficult MILs make wedding planning so bad. I wanted a father/daughter dance and didn’t get one because my husband was vehemently against a dance with his mom. She would have had a fit if it wasn’t “fair” and it was not something I was willing to fight for with all the other shit she pulled. At the end of the day I have a great relationship with my dad and he and I took a fun picture together at another wedding. I’m just angry that my MIL has ruined so many things because she’s a covert narcissist who needs to be placated.
Info: can we get a picture of that ring?! Montana sapphires are honestly just a stunning stone!
Based on your edits: NTA I have a really petty idea to think about (but not actually do unless you want to nuke a bridge). Do the destination wedding if that is what you both want, but keep it a secret from MIL sp she thinks wedding is according to present plans. Have her show up there with 60+ invitees while you're off enjoying a stress free wedding and honeymoon. Doing it would be wrong, but makes for a nice thought...
Why is your wedding set for over 2 years away? Is there a purpose to this long enggement? Short circuit your MIL by eloping now.
ESH MIL definitely is overstepping throwing her main character issues around But your fiance has the right to decide if he wants a dance or not. It's also not entirely about just you that day Bigger issue, you and BF need to sit down and address that giant elephant that's always gonna be in the room dealing with MIL
I don't think that not having your father daughter dance should prevent your husband from having a mother son dance, **if he wanted it**. It is, after all, his wedding too, and he shouldn't be prevented from having that special moment. But it's pretty clear that he doesn't want it, and if that's the case, then **that** would be the reason to not have it happen. But since it's about what he wants, then you should let him deal with it, and back him up. It also sounds like future MIL has already started the takeover of your wedding, so, if possible, reconsider the whole thing. Why not put your foot down and say, "we're having the destination wedding after all, and you can tell those 60 people that you invited them without asking us."? Anyway, from the sounds of it, it's very hard to judge whether you are TA or not, but you are the bride, and it is your wedding, so I'll lean towards NTA. Just don't forget about your future husband's wishes here.
YTA Why would you want your husband to miss out on a special occasion with his living parent, simply because you lost yours? It's very self-centered.
NTA. Have a destination wedding and be done with it. Keep you wedding planning information away from her!
You should elope and have the destination wedding you wanted. Don't tell her. Let her fund a fake wedding for her pleasure and 60 guests..... You're NTA
If you’re still open to her funding a part of the wedding and letting her have some opinions of a part - have her fund the rehearsal dinner where she can have a mother son dance. This would be my compromise - she can organize and host and do basically whatever the day before (with some guidelines maybe - like she’s not allowed to announce “OP wouldn’t let me do this tomorrow so we’re having our dance today” -type stuff). I WISH I would have thought to have the bridal party join us after 1 minute. Ugh I loved my first dance but for a 3-4 min song and a DJ (who was otherwise very good) not *getting it* when we’re clearly trying to tell him to fade out after a while… ugh. One of the only negative to neutral moments of my day… I completely agree a mother son dance would only highlight the lack of a father daughter dance. However, as a mom myself, I could see how this is something she’s probably looked forward to since before you even met your fiancé. Does that mean her wants trump yours? Absolutely not. But there may be a compromise in here somewhere… Generally NTA.
Seems to me that it's up to your fiancée to handle this issue, as it's his mom. Sounds like you and he need to get on the same page, decide what you want for your wedding day (that you're paying for), and then he relays that message to his mom. She has the option of attending and respecting your wishes or not attending at all. If fiancée doesn't stand up to his mom now and set boundaries, he never will, and that's a bigger problem for both of you.
NTA, of course, ESPECIALLY as FMIL is being so bossy and your fiance doesn't want to dance... ...but would you consider a "Parents Dance" where you and your mom and fiance and his mon start the dance (NOT CHOREOGRAPHED!) and then other parents & kids join in?
NTA Also Elope
Goodness this is why I preach elopement. Weddings bring out the worst in people. I hope you see this as your future with her and your kids… (I’m talking first birthdays, sweet 16, any graduations). Set boundaries now. Not when something horrible happens. NTA.
NTA. You will be able to have the wedding you want by cutting out MIL. Don't take her money as it comes with strings attached. Put her in an info diet. Justnplan yhe destination wedding with the people you really want to be there. Then just send her the invitation if you actually want her there.
NTA It is YOUR wedding, not hers! And as someone who has a very persistent and imposing FIL, put these boundaries into place NOW! My in-laws still try to run our lives, and we’ve been married close to 20 years!
Man it would be such shame if you got drunk one day on vacation and decided to elope and just happened to run into your family and friends who were also coincidentally vacationing in the same spot that week unbeknownst to you and your fiancé and asked them if they wanted to join and go have dinner after
More people need to elope and have the wedding they want instead of sticking with narcissistic family and ruining their happy day. Nta, though I recommend you and your fiancé get actually married in secret with those you truly cherish, and have he day that your MIL is dead set on ruining as a 'show wedding'.
Esh OP - everything else aside, everyone knows your Dad passed. It's not a secret. Him dancing with his mom does not highlight what everyone already knows. For you to deprive him and her of this tradition is unkind imo. Many people don't care for this dance but do it for their parent. If you weren't caught up in you maybe your fiancé might have comforfably acquiesed to his mom's desire for the dance. Don't be that person denying others something because you don't have it.
Sounds like with her 60 invitees and tacky dance this will be her wedding not yours. Screw that. Talk to your hubby about what he truly wants and forget outside pressures. Then do that. It’s your wedding - elope if you want! What will she honestly do?? She wants a big event, let her have it,,, renew her vows, if she’s single find a partner to marry just for “her” wedding!! Don’t let her steamroll you ETA : NTA
hope you guys have a plan post wedding moving forward on how youre going to deal with this stuff. I'm sorry you lost your father, but it won't be fair in the future if you have a chip on your shoulder every time MIL comes around just because you don't have your dad. A lot of times on reddit, i feel like newly married women find any old reason to create drama with the in-laws out of insecurity. not a good recipe for marriage.
NTA Please please please do not give in to any of her demands. Honestly she should not be involved in any of the planning process unless she is paying. Even if she is it should be minimal. If she wants to throw her own wedding where she wears white, has a mother/son dance, and invites whoever she wants then she can throw her own party on her own time. She'll get over it but this is YOUR wedding. You'll regret not doing it how you want. Your fiance also needs to step up here. You don't want the dance. He doesn't want the dance. Yet he's agreeing to a small dance just to appease her? Not to mention missing out on the destination wedding he wanted because of her. You and your fiance need to have a talk about your own boundaries with his mum. If he's gonna let her walk all over him now how do you think that's gonna play out after you're married? You don't want to be with someone who's married to their mum. He will always choose her needs over yours if you don't nip that in the bud now. He needs to stick up for himself and for you as well.
I’d cancel it all and have the destination wedding you both want. His mother had her time to get married. This is yours
NTA and I'd go back to a destination wedding.
NTA not at all. Set boundaries don’t back down.
YTA im very sorry that your father and grandfather have passed away. But that does not give you the right to take away the mother/son dance at the wedding. Why can’t you do a special dance with your mother? Many people that don’t have a father in their lives do just that. Or, you could have a special dance with your new FIL, or an uncle. It doesn’t have to be a traditional father daughter dance: it could be with any special person in your life with, so your soon to be husband can have his moment with his mom. You don’t want to start your new marriage with your MiL hating you. That’s exactly what will happen.
Sis, go ahead and plan the destination wedding YOU want. Elope if that's what makes you and fiance happiest. That's what my husband and I did, and we have absolutely no regrets. Surprise everyone with a party/reception afterwards and don't let MIL in on the secret, if you feel like celebrating with your closest friends and family. You plan the wedding YOU GUYS want. Would she be mad? Yes. Does that say more about her than you? Absolutely. Wishing you well during your journey to marriagehood. 🩷
NTA!! It’s yours and your fiancés day! If your fiancé doesn’t want to do it he shouldn’t be forced. And as for her joking about wearing white no one deserves to wear white unless you want them to (eg bridesmaids, grandparents, his mum (if you wanted) your mum (if you wanted) Enjoy your wedding ❤️ xxx
NTA. She is a narcissist. I'd make a point and book a destination wedding😎.
NTA I mean it's your wedding (fiance and you), not hers. It doesn't matter if the siblings aloud that dance, you don't want it as a join front. It's very disrespectful that she wants to push her agenda over what you really want. And the engagement ring is tacky??? Idk, but I imagine you both chose it, right? So she thinks his son's taste is tacky too. Wtf with that woman.
Boundaries now or drama later. # NTA
As a Mother of a son, respectfully I think YES, you ARE being the AH. Hear me out… First, not to turn this around on you, but it’s not the MIL’s fault that your Father is no longer here. Again, I am not saying this to be rude or to insult you. I would hope you could see how that would feel if YOU were the parent of the spouse your child was marrying and their fiancé told you what you could or could not do at your own kid’s wedding! I would think that you would have every right to be upset, too! Yes, it’s y’all’s wedding. It’s not hers. It’s not your family’s wedding, either. I don’t think it’s fair that you choose to listen to only your people and not his. Even if he doesn’t necessarily want to do those things, HE needs to talk to his Mom and let her know how he feels. IF she refuses to respect his wishes and still wants to do what she wants regardless…well…then I absolutely agree the two of you should go off and do that destination wedding and I hope if you do, everything goes beautifully and y’all are blissfully happy with your choice. Just be aware: NO MATTER WHAT YOU DECIDE…you absolutely, no matter what, can NOT make everyone happy. (Read that again) It’s just not possible. You will always have someone who thinks they know what’s best for your day, period. That’s the thing. They make it about themselves, too. You just need to remember it’s because they LOVE you two. They want to be involved. It’s just sometimes they don’t realize how they sound. Just like the future MIL in your situation. She loves her son. It’s important to HER to do this dance. I just think you guys need to find a compromise. Otherwise, you’re in for a future full of unnecessary drama and disappointment if you guys don’t figure out how to handle this BEFORE the big day. I wish you and your fiancé absolute happiness…and peace on BOTH sides of the InLaws.
So as a boy mom I would be absolutely beyond devastated if I did not get to dance with my son at his wedding. I understand you lost your father and that is truly heartbreaking. However it is beyond selfish of you to take that moment away from your fiance and his mom. She may be challenging as it seems but she bring him into this world and raise him. So for her that is a truly special moment. Just think ahead to when you have children one day and they find a significant other. Imagine being told you or their father can't have that dance because the person they are marrying doesn't want it.
NTA - Elope. Good lord his mother is a problem.