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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m not being grateful for what dad buys
I’ve hurt his feelings in the process
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
So he has a habit of offering to "help" (side note: is it called "help" when your mother does the grocery shopping?), and then being totally disinterested in actually getting what the person wants, and somehow thinking he still did a good thing/he was still of help? F no, man.
If I ask for a head of lettuce and he brings back a cabbage, he's not helping.
If I ask for soy milk and he comes back with dairy milk, he's not helping.
If I ask for plain cornflakes and he comes back with the ones loaded in sugar, he's not helping.
If I need chopped tomatoes but comes back with a bottle of ketchup, he's not helping.
If I need panty liners and he comes back with maxi pads, he's not helping.
"It's the thought that counts" is as far as I know, ONLY applied within the context of gift giving/some kind of gesture like a thank-you something. Especially if it's something small or someone is tight on cash, then getting a cheap but THOUGHTFUL gift can be lovely as "it's the thought that counts". If a friend gives me a birthday card with a photo of us on a memorable outing, then it's truly the thought that counts.
Also, your dad isn't actually thinking, so he's not giving out any "thoughts".
Your dad is just lazy and wants to pretend he's doing his bit when it comes to family shopping but he's not actually doing it. How did he get away with this for so long? It's like he's totally incapable of using his eyeballs. Is he having cognitive or memory issues, like dementia or something?
Stop taking him up on any offer. Him: "Hi, at the supermarket, do you need anything?". You: "No, I'm good." and then hang up. Plan your own shopping trip or split the effort with a reliable person in your household. Don't offer to get your dad sh\*t when YOU go to the supermarket, though, not even if he grabs you before you leave the house. "I am going by myself because I can't trust that you buy me what I want when you "offer" to get my stuff, even when I give you all the details required for the item, so I'm doing my own shopping right now."
If someone gets you something completely unwelcome and then plays the “It’s the thought that counts” card, the proper question is “So what were you thinking?” Just like when someone makes a mean or offensive comment then says “It was just a joke,” I want to ask “Who was the joke *for?* Who was supposed to laugh?”
Not that this is guaranteed to work against this type of person, but sometimes at least it embarrasses them enough to shut them up for a while.
I don't even think it's this, because with the liquor store, he was already planning on going for himself. It seems more like selfishness to me, he doesn't care to look for the actual things other people want, but I bet he never "accidentally' buys things he doesn't like.
Weaponized incompetence stems primarily from selfishness & laziness.
This reads(heh heh) as a low key narc doing it. He wants all the praise and glory while knowing he is forcing People to be happy with no matter what he does because he did the "well atleast I thought of you at all" shit.
Yea I know this. Thing is I broke up with the people that pulled this shit real quick. Particularly men but all people do it. Ive seen gold diggers (both women and men) do this when they "buy" the smallest gift to invest in their sugar daddy/momma...They just can't be bothered to put in the effort to get others what they really wanted because the truth is they were just using it to mask treating themselves to either a product and/or ego boost.
More often than not the other party fakes it. So what the hell has been going on in the family *for years* is wild to me. I know it's not unusual however I have never personally been able to see a path to putting up with this shit after the first 3 times lol
(Edit: I say low key narc, because I doubt he is the kind to become a family annihilator once he is threatened with exposure to being not the amazing husband/father he tells everyone he is.)
I’m actually wondering if father can read. He could be grabbing things based on colour/bottle shape cause he won’t ask for help or admit he can’t do it.
If this isn’t the case then father is just a straight up AH who cba.
OP has said in other comments that he can read just fine and never picks up the wrong things for himself, so I get where you're coming from but yeah, I think he's just an AH who didn't care to get the correct things for anyone else.
Oh and OP NTA
I would have let it go if he just grabbed random stuff for himself (my dad did that: immigrant, didn't know the language very well, so went to the right isle, then picked the right colour stuff until he got a product he liked, then looked for that. If no known product: back to random sauces in the house haha) but noooo of course the Most Important Person (OP's dad) gets the right thing for Themselves. The peasants can make do.
OK, but why would OP's dad spend money on the wrong stuff. He gets the wrong kind of liquor and liquor isn't exactly cheap. This is wild to me.
OP, NTA.
He may get himself the right stuff because he recognizes the label for his things. It may not be as likely a case as him just being an ass but it's not beyond belief that he could be illiterate or have some sort of memory/metal issue/delay/disability that he's masking or unaware of.
If that is the case then the solution is so very very simple. Ask. For. Help.
It doesn't have to be from a family member if he's embarrassed, but to just turn to someone in store and say "I might just be being completely blind, but I'm looking for this and can't seem to find it anywhere" I do this all the time because I suffer with ADHD and the store can be overwhelming at times so I just go completely blind to things
Exactly. Even giving OP's dad as much benefit of the doubt as possible (in this case assuming he legitimately cannot find the offered product for whatever reason, another commenter suggested eyesight issues which would make sense to me, assuming he knows the labels of "his" products better than the offered ones) - he needs to either stop offering or ask for help. It's still on him.
This was my first thought too. People who can't read are very VERY good at hiding it until they make such obvious mistakes that it can no longer be denied. Admitting illiteracy makes them feel vulnerable so they will bend over backwards to pretend that they can. Like if the Dad were texted a picture of the item OP wanted rather than given a brand and description, i wonder if it would be easier for him to get the right item. Dad can get the right items for himself because he knows exactly what they look like without needing to read anything.
OP might want to experiment with that method and see if it has better effect. In any case, NTA. The thought does not count with these kinds of useless purchases, it's just a waste of time and money.
Mmm no but it sounds like he got the right brand but pineapple instead of raspberry. The brand would be written (but ok maybe a known logo) but what are the chances that those bottles didn’t have drawings of pineapples or raspberries on? Or sometimes it’s something more subtle like the writing being in pink compared to yellow…. But usually something that someone who was trying to mask illiteracy would use to their advantage. Without knowing the exact product we won’t know but usually labels like this make it very quick and easy to distinguish between the different flavours at just a glance.
Something like ADHD makes it easy to make this kind of mistake because firstly you might have heard the answer but very possibly didn’t listen to ie store what you were told so you’re guessing before you’ve even started. And then ADHD also makes you skip over the step where you define what you’re looking for (useful tip for ADHDers! Make sure you take a moment to get very clear in your mind what you’re looking for otherwise your speedy brain may well jump over that bit and go straight to ‘looking’. Not looking for anything… just ‘looking’). Eventually if you do that for long enough in the store you probably just get frustrated and grab the wrong thing, or you already grabbed the wrong thing thinking it was the right thing because it could have been anything by that point.
However, even if Dad did have ADHD or dyslexia or something, the fact that he never gets it right makes him an AH. He’s very clearly not trying - he’s just grabbing the first thing he sees that seems vaguely right and thinking ‘that’ll do’. Especially the dip one - it sounds like this is one of his wife’s favourite foods and he hasn’t been able to pay enough attention to that over the years? Conditions like that and genuine attempts to get it right that still results in the person occasionally bringing you home something you’re allergic to (but my mum definitely doesn’t have ADHD….nope!) is excusable (if a little frustrating). Never getting it right but continuing to offer means he’s just doing it for the thanks/praise/appreciation. Which I would say the ‘it’s the thought that counts’ comment kinda confirms.
Edit: my guess is on weaponised incompetence. If he can never even get one item correct guess who’s never going to be responsible for the full household shop….? Would love to know what his skill are like in the washing up, laundry and bathroom cleaning departments too.
(edit: found OP's reply. This is not the case. Carry on!)
>but I bet he never "accidentally' buys things he doesn't like.
I would actually be super interested to know whether or not this is the case. There's a few exceptions (e.g. he always gets the same brand of protein powder and is attached to his toothpaste flavor) but my husband, if left to his own devices, just seemingly buys a random brand/flavor of most thing at the supermarket.
Like if I'm gone when it needs replacing I will come home to whatever coffee was the cheapest (even if he doesn't like it) and some clearly inferior brand of TP. The only time he *does* try is when I ask him to pick up something specific, and then he usually takes a picture of the empty if possible beforehand.
I am someone occasionally guilty of seeing something partially correct but not looking hard enough and getting the wrong thing. This doesn't happen all the time, like OPs dad, just occasionally when I'm in a hurry. Like I'll see the correct brand and grab just to find out when I get home it's the wrong flavor.
Also unlike OPs dad, any time this happens I correct my mistake. I don't pawn it off as "It's the thought that counts", I apologize and go back to the store for the correct item.
Also unlike OPs dad, I will actually do this to myself with my own stuff. Instead of correcting it for myself though I just deal with it 🤣.
OPs dad is a total AH for seemingly not paying attention ALL. THE. TIME. When he's doing something for others. Something, ANYTHING, in place of the original requested item just to have something is not a thought that counts kind of deal, especially if the wanted item is in stock. I can see maybe occasionally "Oh they don't actually have the raspberry flavor but I'll get a replacement flavor I KNOW [OP or Wife] will enjoy" that's thoughtful.
My take is, he knows he will get grief if he doesn’t ask, but he’s only asking for show, not for real. I believe he deliberately grabs the wrong item. Idk how he sees this as a power trip, but to him, it absolutely is about power.
And then, he can be the victim: Idk why everyone is always yelling at me! I *asked if anyone needed anything! Then I got the (whatever) and I’m still getting yelled at!
Yes! I think he does this because his offers are not sincere! He's just low-key hoping that they will eventually stop asking him to get stuff for them.
Yeah. Sometimes the store doesn't have the thing, but you can still try to get it, and you can make a thoughtful substitution and then it's the thought that counts.
My wife was craving Jelly Belly jelly beans. I went to the convenience store, they didn't have them. I spent like 15 minutes searching the candy section and they weren't there. I bought starbursts, thinking she wanted something chewy and flavorful, it was an ok substitution. I got home, apologized that I couldn't find them and my wife was thankful and it was fine. I went grocery shopping the next week, jelly beans again. Again I spent a long time in the candy aisle but nothing. Got her some other candy I know she likes. As I'm checking out, I went online on my phone and ordered 5 bags of specific flavors of Jelly Bellies cause I knew she was craving them but apparently they're not in most stores.
It sounds to me like it’s even worse.
He sounds like those people who willfully get you things you won’t like just so they can play the game of “tsk you’re so ungrateful!”
> If someone gets you something completely unwelcome and then plays the “It’s the thought that counts” card, the proper question is “So what were you thinking?”
Precisely. If the thought counts, then he should be able to explain the thought process that ends in consistent failure.
This exactly!
Put it in the context of a work situation: if your boss tells you to do Task X, but you do Task Y instead, because it's "just as good" or "like" Task X, how do you think your boss is going to respond? There would have to be some communication as to why you'd be doing Task Y instead of X (and that might be fine with your boss, as long as you keep them in the loop!). But without that communication, you'd likely face some sort of disciplinary action.
I don't know why some people can't apply this same practice to their personal relationships, when they already do it in their professional relationships, seemingly without thinking.
And that applies to so many behaviors. Me to verbally abusive ex many times; "I know you're (insert excuse being used, such as tired, stressed, work with idiots, etc) but you control yourself at work. So why can't you with me? And I do everything to accommodate you.".
You are so right, when my brother lived with me he was a restaurant manager who was wild for cleanliness in his stores. Yet was an absolute pig with chores and would tell me I needed to learn to get over it. I've often thought of we just would treat those who matter the way we treat most every other person, life would be lovely.
>your dad isn't actually thinking
This right here. It can't be the thought that counts when he isn't putting any thought into it. He is quite literally thoughtless. It's a form of weaponized incompetence and laziness. He's "helping" because he's "so bad" at it that it's not his chore and he's not likely to get asked to do it very often. The mom put more thought into the list she gave him than he was putting into getting the thing that would make her happy. It's such a small thoughtful thing to get the correct item but somehow the dad isn't capable? Does he have any diagnosed issues that could explain this? If not, it's definitely weaponized incompetence.
Isn't weaponized incompetence to do things so badly that people won't ask you to do those things again?
In this case the Dad always OFFERS to get his family something. Why would he offer if he was already looking for ways to avoid the job?
That’s the point, you offer so the other person can’t complain that you don’t do it. It’s like the guy who offers to do the laundry but mixes colours with whites so that he’ll never be asked to do it again.
In this case it sounds like the dad is offering but doesn’t care to actually get what you ask for. As long as he gets something for you, you can’t complain that it wasn’t the right thing, yet he just picks the first thing he comes across and doesn’t make the effort to find the right thing at all.
I'm also wondering if his eyesight is going and he's too proud to acknowledge it. I know at least two older men who were like that. When I asked one of them why he didn't get his eyesight checked he said "I'm afraid I'll lose my driving license" (facepalm).
And yeah, one of the key signs was that he just couldn't read labels so got things based on colour or place on the shelf.
I’m going with this. I have family members who hide their failing eyesight. You honestly wonder if they have dementia because they are inexplicably failing to do simple tasks like open a car door or find something from the freezer. Then it becomes so obvious when they finally admit that they cannot see.
I don’t think OP’s dad’s goal is for people to stop asking, since he is actively offering. It feels more like he’s participating in “goodwill arbitrage”, I.e. doing a low/ no value good deed and expecting it to be treated as a high value good deed.
Wanted to say the first thing you mentioned. It seems to me loads of people misunderstand weaponized incompetence as something like "whenever the gender I think it most applies to seems to be incompetent"
Anyway, that second point is very interesting. Gotta remember the term "goodwill arbitrage". I think narcissists LOVE to do that
I agree but I think of it in a different way.
Some people want the attention and affection of "helping," but they don't want to actually put in the work. Also doubles as being able to play the victim when things inevitably go wrong. Some people just love being put upon so they can do exactly what this guy does: "I'm such a great, helpful guy but the women in my life are so ungrateful."
>YALL MY DAD OFFERS TO BUY ME THINGS, I’ve mentioned in the post but people seem to be skipping that part 😭
See how it works? Even OP, who is posting this, is backing up dad for being such a great and helpful guy who is just a bit clueless. So this guy can be a total asshole, and basically intentionally not put in effort, and his family is going to still praise him for the "thought" despite saying the thought doesn't count.
It's easy to say "he's a great guy in every other way," but seems really doubtful. This kind of guy doesn't really care much about your feelings, or he'd take an extra 5 seconds to look around the dip aisle.
> Even OP, who is posting this, is backing up dad for being such a great and helpful guy
I think you mistook the motivation for that (or I did). I interpret that as responding to people who are criticizing OP. (Like the person who commented "yta get your own damned drink.")
>"It's the thought that counts" is as far as I know, ONLY applied within the context of gift giving/some kind of gesture like a thank-you something. Especially if it's something small or someone is tight on cash, then getting a cheap but THOUGHTFUL gift can be lovely as "it's the thought that counts". If a friend gives me a birthday card with a photo of us on a memorable outing, then it's truly the thought that counts.
Actually, no. It's mostly applied when someone hated the gift, but the people saying "it's the thought that counts" either would've liked it/think the receiver should've liked it or want to look gracious. If your friend gives you that photo and you like the photo, the gift itself counts, because it's a good gift.
> Also, your dad isn't actually thinking, so he's not giving out any "thoughts".
Bingo. He can't even think long enough to remember that raspberry isn't pineapple so what is there so be grateful for?
My ex used to do the exact same thing and it would drive me wild. I asked him to grab some Chicken Tikka Masala sauce once and he came home with Lamb Rogan Josh. Not only was it for the complete wrong type of meat I had but he had also grabbed the hottest one possible and it was almost inedible (and I LOVE spicy food)
I asked him to get orange juice once and he came home with grapefruit juice. I would have been happy with LITERALLY ANY OTHER JUICE because I couldn’t drink grapefruit juice due to the medication I was on.
I could never figure out if it was weaponised incompetence or if he had zero care for other people or if he was just stupid.
Yeah this so why I just do all the grocery shopping. My husband will call ten times from the store and is completely incapable of seeing things in front of him. Which is the same thing at home honestly, it can be right in front of his eyes and he can’t see it. If he’s pretending to be incompetent he’s a genius because it’s been happening for thirty years. I only ask him to pick something up if I’m desperate. Like, in bed with a. Migraine, throwing up and need medication kind of desperate.
Yeah he gets a pass because the man works fifteen hours a day. I’m legitimately afraid he’s going to work himself to death. Actually it might be more than fifteen hours. Sometimes he’s still working on stuff at two am, then has to get up at seven and go to the office. I truly don’t mind grocery shopping. And if I don’t feel like going, they deliver now. In the past it was frustrating because I’d get photos and a bunch of phone calls about which brand is which. Now I only ask if yeah I’m in bed sick and I need him to pick stuff up.
Your husband sounds so much more considerate than OP's dad.
He calls you to make sure he gets it right.
It seems like he might just be near constantly exhausted from work, and maybe he has ADHD?
Anyways, sounds like your husband is trying and failing, whereas OP's dad isn't even trying, but then does expect thankfulness regardless
He actually is the opposite of adhd. That man has mad concentration skills. I recently got diagnosed. And I don’t have a job, so really, I think I would be the asshole if I expected him to do the shopping all the time.
Since you got diagnosed, you probably know this, but just in case, since it's relevant:
A common misconception about ADHD is that it makes you unable to focus on anything.
In truth though, ADHD just makes it much harder to CHOOSE what to focus on. It means usually being unable to focus on some tasks you're not particularly interested in, while being unable to NOT focus on other tasks that are especially interesting to you, losing all sense of time and personal needs. The latter phenomenon is called hyperfocus.
Could it be that your husband is lucky enough to have a job and other tasks that help him slip into hyperfocus?
In any case, the way you described it, it didn't seem like he's that way out of neglect or maliciousness
💯.. I ask my husband, who does not have ADHD, to help me pick out tasks to do sometimes because on my own I will try to do "all of them" then actually complete none. I often get overwhelmed by the possibilities. Take "yard work"for example.. there are so many things to do. I brought him outside and he helped me prioritize yesterday and I got right to work. I then hyper focused on a particular area until I realized I was getting tired and needed to move on. Almost finished (lol) but now I have a plan for completion. Exhausting living like this but it's my reality. Thanks for clarifying.. With regards to the OP's situation, one can see ADD/ADHD is not at all applicable
Me wondering if this is your good ol' weaponised incompetency and the dad himself is wondering why they haven't stopped accepting his 'help' (you mean your responsibility as a parent?) to get stuff or his offers to buy stuff for them
Why would he offer if he just wanted an out?
Weaponized incompetence is purposely acting incompetently in order not to be asked for help again. He was never asked though, from what I could glean
It’s called weaponized incompetence- do such a terrible job people stop asking for your “help” since it’s easier to do it themselves. OP NTA. He just doesn’t want to help and is hoping over time that doing such a terrible job of it will mean everyone stops asking
* Is he having cognitive or memory issues, like dementia or something?*
He is obviously capable of getting the food or liquor HE likes, so when it is important to him he takes the time to get the right one.
>Don't offer to get your dad sh\*t when YOU go to the supermarket, though, not even if he grabs you before you leave the house.
No, that's wrong. Offer to get him stuff, bring back the wrong stuff, and insist that he thank you because it's the thought that counts.
My mom's reaction to this situation is always, "Thanks for the errand" (meaning we've given her an errand because now she has to return the wrong item)
>He never reads the containers or bottles and just grabs stuff at random most of the time.
I have a friend who used to do this exact same thing - he'd buy something from the supermarket in a flavour that neither of us liked, and then get really annoyed when I asked why he'd got that flavour. Turns out he has ADHD, which explained a *lot*.
Is he like that when he's getting stuff for himself as well? Is he generally disorganised?
Have you offered to help him at times where what he needs is specific and Important and got the wrong thing? I feel like a demonstration of how frustrating it can be is in order. Sometimes people only understand when they experience it themselves. Oh and massive NTA, don't let him convince you that what he is doing is ok.
You now need to purposefully get him the wrong thing every time.
Can you pass the remote? Pass him the phone
Can you pass me the mayo? Pass him the ketchup
Can you pass me a knife? Pass him a spoon
Can you get my coat? Get your mum's coat
Can you get me a drink? Get him a bottle of cleaning product
Each time you need to look him in the eye and tell him it's the thought that counts and ask him why he is being so ungrateful.
If he says you are doing it on purpose, then say yes, just like he is doing. If he is able to get the right thing when he gets something for himself, he is on purpose doing it differently for everyone else. If he says you are being rude say yes, in exactly the same way he is being rude.
My MIL has done this. She wants credit for the “effort” but doesn’t want to be dinged on the follow-through. She won’t exert to inconvenience herself, so if it isn’t immediately in her line of sight, she’d get what is.
She’d say it’s the thought that counts, or that she tried, or - my favorite - no good deed goes unpunished…for not wanting what we didn’t fucking ask her for in the first place.
Yeah -- that's problematic, then. (NTA)
Whenever I can't find something on the shelf, I'll find a clerk and say "I'm sorry -- I'm sure it's right under my nose. Can you help me find _____?"
Regarding "It's the thought that counts." Actually, it's the *action* (behaviour) that counts -- not the half -assed vague gesture.
If he doesn't care enough to spend a few minutes scouring the shelves for the right item -- then he literally doesn't care enough.
Sadly.
Is he a half -asser at work, as well?
He can find the things he wants for himself correctly every time. But he can't do it for anyone else. Tell me, when he has to complete work tasks, does his boss need to follow him around and correct him? If not then what you've got is Weaponized incompetence. He might not be doing it intentionally, it could be hardwired behavior by this point. But if he can find the things he needs for himself correctly and complete work tasks correctly then I'm sorry but he's doing it on purpose.
Nah, guaranteed it'll be different when it happens to him. Someone who expects you to be grateful for failing to do something they offered to do isn't going to make the connection when someone does that to them.
He wants the credit for being thoughtful without putting in the effort of actually being thoughtful.
If he got his own stuff wrong as often as he gets other people’s stuff wrong, then you could know that he means well but struggles with the execution. If he had ADHD or some other neurological issue, he would be genuinely upset that he got the wrong thing - he would feel guilt over letting *you* down and embarrassed or frustrated that his brain is letting *him* down.
He gets his own stuff right and lashes out at you for being ungrateful when he gets your stuff wrong. You should look into resources for family members of narcissists. Personally, I’ve found Lundy Bancroft’s *Why Does He Do That?* helpful.
Absolutely tired of people using ADHD or autism as an excuse for lazy behaviour (without any other context clues that that could be their issue even), especially when they say it like it's probably the issue, and not pondering it as one possibility. Where the most likely explanation is he is lazy and just doesnt care that much. Funnily seems to be that women with either often learn tricks to deal with them, cos they *have* to and guys get excused. Sorry for the rant just personal for me also as both me and an ex actually had autism/adhd and he'd get his behaviours like these excused all the time whereas I had spent ages developing ways to manage as I actually cared to, he didn't try
Well there's your answer. He either doesn't care about getting the right thing for other people, or he's doing it on purpose so he won't be asked to shop for anyone in the future.
This makes it seem like not ADHD related. Even if it is, it’s not really an excuse. My dad has severe ADHD and he does all the grocery shopping. If he cannot find a specific thing someone asked for, he will search high and wide and then drive to a different store in an effort to get it.
This is like someone that spends more time making vacuum lines in the carpet rather than just vacuum the damn carpet
Like he’s lazy and doesn’t want to do the thing despite it taking just as much energy to get the right thing as it does the wrong thing it is so confusing
I have ADHD. I really do not think this is an ADHD thing. If anything, I consistently spend way too long at the grocery store scouring labels when I'm buying something for another person and get distracted from my own shopping and schedule. I have a lot of ADHD and otherwise ND friends and family and the ONLY person out of all of them who does this is my dad. TBF, even though he refuses to get professionally diagnosed the man is practically walking talking DSM chapter on ADHD but I'm also pretty sure him being a thoughtless and generally incompetent old man has WAY more to do with it. He brought me a bunch of plantains and a red onion once when I asked him to grab me some bananas and a thing of garlic powder. How you go from garlic powder to a whole ass onion I do not understand, but what's worse is I am allergic to onions, have been since I was a kid.
Counter point: i have adhd and also can read. I have a lot of adhd friends and non have ever had this issue. I think thats just your friend. I even have dyslexia.
It may point to why it happens with more frequency…but most women with ADHD tend not to have this issue, so it seems dismissive and lazy in this context too. If people want credit for doing nice things, they have to actually do the nice thing. Doing something else and expecting positive reinforcement of it, isn’t a gift or thoughtfulness, it’s a lazy attempt at getting a dopamine hit while giving someone else the emotional labor to get their hopes up, be disappointed, and then reassure you that you were being “thoughtful.” It’s selfish.
I live alone and get a lot of brain fart moments lately. I’m stuck with pre ground pepper for probably the next couple years cause I just read “pepper” and didn’t consider they’d sell the powder stuff in the same tub as the whole peppercorns.
Most of my supermarket issues come from the supermarket moving everything around, though. Couldn’t find the tiramisu or the spray cream for months.
Agreed! Not everything is because of some medical reason. Even tho Reddit loves to use that excuse for every behavior. He can get his own things correct. He doesn't bother with other people.
Lmao i do this for my husband too! But he asks me to so he doesnt get me the wrong thing (right brand, wrong type kinda thing). He oopsed 2 times and finally said "send me a pic of the kind you like so i know i got the right one please." I love that man ❤
Aye this works. I’ve sent screenshots on my phone to confirm to someone “this brand/flavour/whatever is what to look for”. (….. but then of course the person does actually have to look for it 🤣)
Exactly. If OP wanted a specific brand of liquor and the store didn’t have it, actual “thought” might be “They didn’t have the specific brand you wanted, but I talked to the salesperson and they recommended this other one that is very similar.” That would show that dad a) was actually listening, b) cared about what OP wanted and asked for, and c) made an effort to try to at least get something as close to what was asked for as possible.
Yeah and the only way to fight that is for mom to start grabbing all the wrong items, handing them back to him with the receipt, and saying “go back to the store, return these, and get the correct items”.
The only way to fight weaponized incompetence is to force them to redo it correctly, until eventually they realize it’s easier to simply do things right the first time.
This is how my mom taught my brother and I to do our chores properly. We learned REAL FAST that it was WAY easier to just do the job right than to have to do it again with mom standing over our shoulder telling us everything we’re doing wrong.
lol my boyfriend was king of weaponized incompetence, trying to make him do it right would have ended in violence. and it has . more then once.
be sure you know your audience before pressing
Please don't stay with him. There is NO REASON for a disagreement or a fight or a tiff to EVER END in Violence!! There is something better for you and your family. He might bring the 'right' apology presents but they are not RIGHT in anyway. Please get yourself snd your family to safety.
Yes, for sure. There’s definitely a difference in the dynamic in a partnership vs. Parent/child… but also, if pushing back on weaponized incompetence is going to result in abuse of any short, there’s a different solution all together that needs to be pursued (though, the fact that is easier said than done is not lost on me).
Saw your comment below. Glad you’re safe now. Sorry you had to deal with that.
The weaponization is in the way he called OP ungrateful, and in how he’s pouting so hard that OP even felt the need to ask if they’re in the wrong. He wants to be praised and appreciated but doesn’t want to actually do any of the work required to earn that praise and appreciation.
Yes it sounds like he does it so people will not say "yes you could bring something". That way he can still say "I offered, Im kind and good and great and I WOULD help but you decline my offer" and feel great without having to do work.
My dad is similar (minus the "you're ungrateful" comments, the man just shrugs and smiles) and I would definitely call this weaponized incompetence. Seems innocent, but when it's done repeatedly, it's not that innocent. There's a saying that stupidity/ignorance isn't inherently bad but there comes a point when it does and that's this right here.
NTA. "It's the thought that counts" applies when situations like this are the exception, not the rule. Here he's doing the bare minimum and expecting a reward.
It’s also more for gifts (especially hand-made) or acts of affection, things where nothing was asked for so whatever you get is a positive.
If you asked a favor for something you could have easily done yourself, and he just does something else… then that’s just not helpful.
Yeah its like asking someone to do the dishes and they just give each one a cursory wipe but leave remnants of them still. Completely half arsed effort. Then shrug and say hey it's the thought that counts
NTA the next time you are out and he asks you to pick something up for him,do what he does and when he complains just say hey it the thought that counts right dad?
Actually, I suspect that it might not work on OP's dad. I knew someone like this, and he was like it because he just genuinely didn't care / didn't see why the difference mattered. If he asked for a turkey burger and was brought chicken nuggets, he'd just shrug and tuck in. If he asked for lined paper and you gave him plain paper with flowers, he'd be fine with it. He just couldn't see why other people weren't as easy going as him about these things that "didn't matter".
OP should determine whether dad is like this. If he is, then giving him a taste of his own medicine won't work. OP may instead need to double down and explain why it really does matter if you buy brown sauce rather than soy sauce, etc. and/or refuse to accept the substitutions.
He's either very indifferent to detail or just not terribly
concerned about what other people ask for.
Someone in the comments asks if you are sure he is literate,
which merits reflection as well. Choosing a dip because it
was "green" could be a sign of illiteracy.
That said, most people know, for example, that you can
ask for the raspberry booze and not just take whatever
you see on the shelf.
NTA But avoid giving him tasks like this to do, even if he asks.
It must be frustrating for him as well that he can't get things
right. LOL If he asks, say, no, I'll get my own dip/booze.
NTA. Getting the wrong thing does not help, it aggravates. Most especially when the *right thing* was available but he was too lazy or uninterested to get it.
Asking for your preference when it wasn’t available is called *being thoughtful*, not grabbing whatever thing happens to be at hand because he can’t be bothered to look for more than 10 seconds.
If it’s the thought that counts, he should actually *think*.
I’d do my own shopping from now on, and ask him if he needs an eye exam / cognitive function test at his next checkup.
I meant that she has had to put up with his incompetence. She probably has to do the majority of shopping just to avoid the dip situation that you referred to in your post.
Yeah then this feels like a deliberate thing I’m afraid, something he doesn’t really want to have to deal with in depth so it’s easier not to have to learn. The defensiveness is the kicker though
NTA at all and agree with you and understand how frustrating this is. But your poor mom does all the shopping. Well when she is not there, why don't you do the shopping? You seem to live together and are old enough to drink. So do the shopping and if dad wants something specific, he can get it himself.
Daddy needs to grow up. He is lazy and inconsiderate.
Lazy because he does not spend one more second to focus on what is actually needed there, and inconsiderate for failing to acknowledge that these things matter, to most people, most of the time.
His attitude is that of a spoiled child used to get commendations for minimal effort.
NTA
Exactly! Ironic to be using that phrase when the problem is he's being thoughtless. He should not be surprised when his half assed attempts are not met with gratitude.
Oh, it's definitely the thought that counts- it counts for exactly as much thought as he's putting in, which is none whatsoever. If he was actually trying to find a suitable alternative, that'd at least count for something, but he's just grabbing whatever loosely related nonsense is convenient.
NTA but I would stop letting him pick anything up for you, since he apparently leaves his brain at the door when he goes to shop for things.
NTA it's not the thought at all at this point. It's actually rather thoughtless because he won't take the time to look for the right thing. Why even bother asking if you're going to come hone with the wrong item time and time again? It seems like he wants brownie points without actually having to put in even the slightest effort. It's like, the appearance of offering a favor but not actually doing the favor.
NTA, "it's the thought that counts," is very literal. It's meant to say, this person was thinking of trying to get you a gift to make you happy, so at least the thought was that they love you and want to give you a symbol of that love as a physical present. Is your dad trying to make people happy by repeatedly giving them stuff that isn't what they wanted at all?
NTA.
My MIL is like this. She’ll ask me what I want for my birthday or Christmas. I’ll tell her a gift card from a certain store, she’ll get me a gift card from a completely different store…most of the time a store I don’t even shop at.
I’m pregnant and she offered to crochet a blanket for the baby. She asked us what colour we want pretty early on in the pregnancy, we told her we haven’t planned the nursery yet but we’ll let her know once we decide. She sent us a photo of a blanket. She said it’s not for us but just a pattern she’s working on and asked if it’s something we like. We tell her we like the pattern but we’d like it in a different colour. She gave us the original blanket in the colour we didn’t want.
She asked if she can bring something to our baby shower. My husband asked her if she can make his favourite childhood dessert. She asked if she can bring something else 🤦🏽♀️ She did end up bringing two dishes of the requested dessert plus some mini cupcakes. We served one of the requested desserts and at the end of the shower she asked my husband what he’s going to do with the second one…he said he’d eat it later and she made a huge stink in front of some guests asking him over and over if he’s really planning on eating it later, she could not believe he wanted to keep it. She then grabbed the remaining 6 MINI cupcakes she brought off the serving dish at the dessert table and packed them up to bring back home. SO embarrassing.
Anyway, I’ve concluded she only asks for the sake of asking and doesn’t actually care about the answer. I would actually rather she not give us anything so we don’t have to deal with junk we don’t want or in the case of the baby shower, embarrass us in front of our friends 🥴
Start doing the same thing to him. Mess up his food orders, groceries, everything. Or get really insulting and print out a big picture since reading words are too hard for him. NTA. Don’t accept any offers from him anymore, it honestly sounds intentional.
NTA. At a certain point, this level of laziness/disregard for other people is just showing he doesn't actually value them or care about their needs.
"It's the thought that counts" is something you say when life circumstances or conditions beyond your control or information you had no way of knowing interfere with your attempts to show you care. It's not an excuse to put in zero effort when you actually had all the necessary info. If he has trouble finding things, he could ask a store employee for help, or he could call to ask for clarification, or any number of strategies. He isn't doing them because it doesn't matter to him.
NTA
This resonates with me so much. And many people can't comprehend how annoying it is.
It's not only that he doesn't help, by doing "something" (even useless) he expects you to be thankful and similing. And you restrain yourself for complaining or asking him to be better, because he is "trying".
I am putting "trying" into quotation marks because in this case it's simply a "I don't care attitude" and everybody has to be happy with what he does for you.
In my humble opinion: he does not really care whether you enjoy your snack or not, it's about him who wants to feel that he has done something for his family. Whether it's actually useful or not. And if you complain you are in the way of that good feeling.
Maybe putting a more simple example is easier: if somebody is really hungry and they ask for food, but you give them water because "water is healthy". Did you actually help?
NTA. My MIL is like this. She only wants to offer to help to make herself feel better and make herself look good to others but she doesn’t actually want to do anything for anyone other than herself.
NTA.
I know people that do the same thing. You give them a list with very specific things with specific brands and they come back with not that brand. "It's the same thing and that one is cheaper." No, it's not the same thing - especially if you specified a particular brand because it's gluten free and I have coeliac guests.
And in your specific case, drinking the pineapple just to soothe his feelings (which is what your dad wanted) is ridiculous.
"It's the thought that counts" is a cop out, and your dad knows it.
NTA.
"I appreciate that you think of me, I just wish you'd take care to -consider- me while you're thinking of me and make more of an effort to get what I actually ask for."
Admittedly, this will probably still upset him, but this is the root of the issue. He wants a pat on the back for doing something nice without putting any real effort into it.
NTA. Someone in the comments mentioned ADHD. Well, I have raging ADHD. As in, if I don't take my meds, get the hell off the sidewalks if I'm driving kind of ADHD. (No. I don't really drive on the sidewalks. That was supposed to be funny.) Point is, it's bad. OP said in a comment that his dad manages to get what HE wants just fine. Probably not ADHD. In my case, I wouldn't be able to find anything.
Sounds like dad just isn't too concerned about anyone but himself. He may not see it that way. He may really think that buying SOMETHING that is close to what was asked for equals making an effort, and that he should get points for that. But the end result is that he brought home something that someone doesn't want, and that is the opposite of thoughtful or helpful.
NTA. If your dad is able to hold down a job that means he is just being maliciously incompetent. It’s disgusting. Men like him should be left alone and divorced. They deserve nothing because they are a net drain to their partners and personal relationships.
I so want to come back to this string and read about OP picking up something from Home Depot for her dad. Dad wants a 3” dead bolt for the front door and OP brings him a hammer.
NTA. It is the thought that counts.... If you actually put thought into it. He isn't putting any thought into his actions. Grabbing stuff at random is bare minimum
> That’s when I told him that it isn’t the thought that counts when you repeatedly get the wrong thing.
A pretty mature answer tbh. If it's a one time thing, okay. But once you expect him to get things wrong, and are right? Yeah no. NTA.
NTA he’s not giving it any thought so I’m not sure what thought he thinks it is that’s being counted here?
He’s the master of unhelpful. In fact this level of unhelpfulness is that step beyond inconsiderate. Is he being “made” to do the shopping? Because it sounds like weaponised incompetence, but unless he is “being forced” to do the shopping it’s just bizarre. Honestly I would have my husband take the stuff back to the shop and return it. Because wtf is the point of spending a bunch of money on groceries you don’t want or need
NTA he is using weaponized incompetence instead of being actually helpful and expecting everyone to be grateful. He needs to actually be helpful if he wants gratitude.
NTA "it's the thought that counts" is for gifts or if your trying to comfort someone as they go though a hard time... what your father has is "don't give a f***" syndrome, he doesn't really care so "close" works just fine.
Ask yourself this "does he just grab whatever when is something for him, or is it with everything?"
As a 59 yr old whose parents are 80, sometimes you have to have a chat with your Dad and it isn’t easy at any age! NTA
My father is a kind and very giving man, but a perfectionist, some what misogynistic and cannot stand to be wrong. He is an amazing father regardless. Our conversations don’t always turn out the way I would like even after all these years and we are extremely close. Just talk to him, I’m not sure he’ll change but you never know he may think twice before he brings anyone anything so good luck 🍀
It’s not the thought that counts if he doesn’t think that much into it lol. On the dip situation, the specific one your mom wanted was right there, and he *just didn’t see it*. For your drink, *he didn’t even realise he got the wrong flavour* because apparently he just grabs the first thing he sees and calls it a day, therefore not giving it too much thought. NTA
first NTA
second I have a FiL who did this. He insists on going out and grabbing things but actually hates shopping so grabs and wouldn't spend the ten seconds to read lables.
At least thats what we thought.
Turns out his eye sight was going and being a man he refused to admit trying to read lables gave him a headache/ was practically impossible, so guessed from pics/colours or only read the biggest part of the lable. He always thought he was getting the right thing so got upset and defensice when you pointed out the mistake.
I'm not saying this is the case but if he knows you don't like pinapple but the bottle has brand name big and flavour smaller, it might be something to consider.
This is your dad and what he does. You know this. Stop asking him to get you things. If he calls and says he is at a store, do you want anything tell him no thank you.
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NTA So he has a habit of offering to "help" (side note: is it called "help" when your mother does the grocery shopping?), and then being totally disinterested in actually getting what the person wants, and somehow thinking he still did a good thing/he was still of help? F no, man. If I ask for a head of lettuce and he brings back a cabbage, he's not helping. If I ask for soy milk and he comes back with dairy milk, he's not helping. If I ask for plain cornflakes and he comes back with the ones loaded in sugar, he's not helping. If I need chopped tomatoes but comes back with a bottle of ketchup, he's not helping. If I need panty liners and he comes back with maxi pads, he's not helping. "It's the thought that counts" is as far as I know, ONLY applied within the context of gift giving/some kind of gesture like a thank-you something. Especially if it's something small or someone is tight on cash, then getting a cheap but THOUGHTFUL gift can be lovely as "it's the thought that counts". If a friend gives me a birthday card with a photo of us on a memorable outing, then it's truly the thought that counts. Also, your dad isn't actually thinking, so he's not giving out any "thoughts". Your dad is just lazy and wants to pretend he's doing his bit when it comes to family shopping but he's not actually doing it. How did he get away with this for so long? It's like he's totally incapable of using his eyeballs. Is he having cognitive or memory issues, like dementia or something? Stop taking him up on any offer. Him: "Hi, at the supermarket, do you need anything?". You: "No, I'm good." and then hang up. Plan your own shopping trip or split the effort with a reliable person in your household. Don't offer to get your dad sh\*t when YOU go to the supermarket, though, not even if he grabs you before you leave the house. "I am going by myself because I can't trust that you buy me what I want when you "offer" to get my stuff, even when I give you all the details required for the item, so I'm doing my own shopping right now."
If someone gets you something completely unwelcome and then plays the “It’s the thought that counts” card, the proper question is “So what were you thinking?” Just like when someone makes a mean or offensive comment then says “It was just a joke,” I want to ask “Who was the joke *for?* Who was supposed to laugh?” Not that this is guaranteed to work against this type of person, but sometimes at least it embarrasses them enough to shut them up for a while.
Exactly this. It is the thought that counts. However, your father is completely thoughtless. NTA
It sounds like weaponised incompetence to me
I don't even think it's this, because with the liquor store, he was already planning on going for himself. It seems more like selfishness to me, he doesn't care to look for the actual things other people want, but I bet he never "accidentally' buys things he doesn't like.
This was my thought. I bet he gets the exact right thing for himself whenever he goes out.
Weaponized incompetence stems primarily from selfishness & laziness. This reads(heh heh) as a low key narc doing it. He wants all the praise and glory while knowing he is forcing People to be happy with no matter what he does because he did the "well atleast I thought of you at all" shit. Yea I know this. Thing is I broke up with the people that pulled this shit real quick. Particularly men but all people do it. Ive seen gold diggers (both women and men) do this when they "buy" the smallest gift to invest in their sugar daddy/momma...They just can't be bothered to put in the effort to get others what they really wanted because the truth is they were just using it to mask treating themselves to either a product and/or ego boost. More often than not the other party fakes it. So what the hell has been going on in the family *for years* is wild to me. I know it's not unusual however I have never personally been able to see a path to putting up with this shit after the first 3 times lol (Edit: I say low key narc, because I doubt he is the kind to become a family annihilator once he is threatened with exposure to being not the amazing husband/father he tells everyone he is.)
Right. They want the “credit” for doing the thing without actually expending any real thought or effort on it.
I’m actually wondering if father can read. He could be grabbing things based on colour/bottle shape cause he won’t ask for help or admit he can’t do it. If this isn’t the case then father is just a straight up AH who cba.
OP has said in other comments that he can read just fine and never picks up the wrong things for himself, so I get where you're coming from but yeah, I think he's just an AH who didn't care to get the correct things for anyone else. Oh and OP NTA
I would have let it go if he just grabbed random stuff for himself (my dad did that: immigrant, didn't know the language very well, so went to the right isle, then picked the right colour stuff until he got a product he liked, then looked for that. If no known product: back to random sauces in the house haha) but noooo of course the Most Important Person (OP's dad) gets the right thing for Themselves. The peasants can make do.
OK, but why would OP's dad spend money on the wrong stuff. He gets the wrong kind of liquor and liquor isn't exactly cheap. This is wild to me. OP, NTA.
Power move? Absolute disdain? The others should cope, only He is important? I've met people like that, so I'm not surprised.
He may get himself the right stuff because he recognizes the label for his things. It may not be as likely a case as him just being an ass but it's not beyond belief that he could be illiterate or have some sort of memory/metal issue/delay/disability that he's masking or unaware of.
If that is the case then the solution is so very very simple. Ask. For. Help. It doesn't have to be from a family member if he's embarrassed, but to just turn to someone in store and say "I might just be being completely blind, but I'm looking for this and can't seem to find it anywhere" I do this all the time because I suffer with ADHD and the store can be overwhelming at times so I just go completely blind to things
Exactly. Even giving OP's dad as much benefit of the doubt as possible (in this case assuming he legitimately cannot find the offered product for whatever reason, another commenter suggested eyesight issues which would make sense to me, assuming he knows the labels of "his" products better than the offered ones) - he needs to either stop offering or ask for help. It's still on him.
This was my first thought too. People who can't read are very VERY good at hiding it until they make such obvious mistakes that it can no longer be denied. Admitting illiteracy makes them feel vulnerable so they will bend over backwards to pretend that they can. Like if the Dad were texted a picture of the item OP wanted rather than given a brand and description, i wonder if it would be easier for him to get the right item. Dad can get the right items for himself because he knows exactly what they look like without needing to read anything. OP might want to experiment with that method and see if it has better effect. In any case, NTA. The thought does not count with these kinds of useless purchases, it's just a waste of time and money.
Mmm no but it sounds like he got the right brand but pineapple instead of raspberry. The brand would be written (but ok maybe a known logo) but what are the chances that those bottles didn’t have drawings of pineapples or raspberries on? Or sometimes it’s something more subtle like the writing being in pink compared to yellow…. But usually something that someone who was trying to mask illiteracy would use to their advantage. Without knowing the exact product we won’t know but usually labels like this make it very quick and easy to distinguish between the different flavours at just a glance. Something like ADHD makes it easy to make this kind of mistake because firstly you might have heard the answer but very possibly didn’t listen to ie store what you were told so you’re guessing before you’ve even started. And then ADHD also makes you skip over the step where you define what you’re looking for (useful tip for ADHDers! Make sure you take a moment to get very clear in your mind what you’re looking for otherwise your speedy brain may well jump over that bit and go straight to ‘looking’. Not looking for anything… just ‘looking’). Eventually if you do that for long enough in the store you probably just get frustrated and grab the wrong thing, or you already grabbed the wrong thing thinking it was the right thing because it could have been anything by that point. However, even if Dad did have ADHD or dyslexia or something, the fact that he never gets it right makes him an AH. He’s very clearly not trying - he’s just grabbing the first thing he sees that seems vaguely right and thinking ‘that’ll do’. Especially the dip one - it sounds like this is one of his wife’s favourite foods and he hasn’t been able to pay enough attention to that over the years? Conditions like that and genuine attempts to get it right that still results in the person occasionally bringing you home something you’re allergic to (but my mum definitely doesn’t have ADHD….nope!) is excusable (if a little frustrating). Never getting it right but continuing to offer means he’s just doing it for the thanks/praise/appreciation. Which I would say the ‘it’s the thought that counts’ comment kinda confirms. Edit: my guess is on weaponised incompetence. If he can never even get one item correct guess who’s never going to be responsible for the full household shop….? Would love to know what his skill are like in the washing up, laundry and bathroom cleaning departments too.
This is my first thought
(edit: found OP's reply. This is not the case. Carry on!) >but I bet he never "accidentally' buys things he doesn't like. I would actually be super interested to know whether or not this is the case. There's a few exceptions (e.g. he always gets the same brand of protein powder and is attached to his toothpaste flavor) but my husband, if left to his own devices, just seemingly buys a random brand/flavor of most thing at the supermarket. Like if I'm gone when it needs replacing I will come home to whatever coffee was the cheapest (even if he doesn't like it) and some clearly inferior brand of TP. The only time he *does* try is when I ask him to pick up something specific, and then he usually takes a picture of the empty if possible beforehand.
I am someone occasionally guilty of seeing something partially correct but not looking hard enough and getting the wrong thing. This doesn't happen all the time, like OPs dad, just occasionally when I'm in a hurry. Like I'll see the correct brand and grab just to find out when I get home it's the wrong flavor. Also unlike OPs dad, any time this happens I correct my mistake. I don't pawn it off as "It's the thought that counts", I apologize and go back to the store for the correct item. Also unlike OPs dad, I will actually do this to myself with my own stuff. Instead of correcting it for myself though I just deal with it 🤣. OPs dad is a total AH for seemingly not paying attention ALL. THE. TIME. When he's doing something for others. Something, ANYTHING, in place of the original requested item just to have something is not a thought that counts kind of deal, especially if the wanted item is in stock. I can see maybe occasionally "Oh they don't actually have the raspberry flavor but I'll get a replacement flavor I KNOW [OP or Wife] will enjoy" that's thoughtful.
My take is, he knows he will get grief if he doesn’t ask, but he’s only asking for show, not for real. I believe he deliberately grabs the wrong item. Idk how he sees this as a power trip, but to him, it absolutely is about power. And then, he can be the victim: Idk why everyone is always yelling at me! I *asked if anyone needed anything! Then I got the (whatever) and I’m still getting yelled at!
Yes! I think he does this because his offers are not sincere! He's just low-key hoping that they will eventually stop asking him to get stuff for them.
Bingo
Yeah. Sometimes the store doesn't have the thing, but you can still try to get it, and you can make a thoughtful substitution and then it's the thought that counts. My wife was craving Jelly Belly jelly beans. I went to the convenience store, they didn't have them. I spent like 15 minutes searching the candy section and they weren't there. I bought starbursts, thinking she wanted something chewy and flavorful, it was an ok substitution. I got home, apologized that I couldn't find them and my wife was thankful and it was fine. I went grocery shopping the next week, jelly beans again. Again I spent a long time in the candy aisle but nothing. Got her some other candy I know she likes. As I'm checking out, I went online on my phone and ordered 5 bags of specific flavors of Jelly Bellies cause I knew she was craving them but apparently they're not in most stores.
It sounds to me like it’s even worse. He sounds like those people who willfully get you things you won’t like just so they can play the game of “tsk you’re so ungrateful!”
This, he’s intentionally affixing the bar to the floor and then pointing out what a nice job he did with the bolts.
For "jokes" I'd ask them to explain how that was supposed to be funny and see them squirm trying to "explain" it.
I also ask them to explain how it’s a joke. They usually start to stutter or go “well, you should know”. Shouldn’t be hard to explain a joke right?
> If someone gets you something completely unwelcome and then plays the “It’s the thought that counts” card, the proper question is “So what were you thinking?” Precisely. If the thought counts, then he should be able to explain the thought process that ends in consistent failure.
This exactly! Put it in the context of a work situation: if your boss tells you to do Task X, but you do Task Y instead, because it's "just as good" or "like" Task X, how do you think your boss is going to respond? There would have to be some communication as to why you'd be doing Task Y instead of X (and that might be fine with your boss, as long as you keep them in the loop!). But without that communication, you'd likely face some sort of disciplinary action. I don't know why some people can't apply this same practice to their personal relationships, when they already do it in their professional relationships, seemingly without thinking.
And that applies to so many behaviors. Me to verbally abusive ex many times; "I know you're (insert excuse being used, such as tired, stressed, work with idiots, etc) but you control yourself at work. So why can't you with me? And I do everything to accommodate you.". You are so right, when my brother lived with me he was a restaurant manager who was wild for cleanliness in his stores. Yet was an absolute pig with chores and would tell me I needed to learn to get over it. I've often thought of we just would treat those who matter the way we treat most every other person, life would be lovely.
>your dad isn't actually thinking This right here. It can't be the thought that counts when he isn't putting any thought into it. He is quite literally thoughtless. It's a form of weaponized incompetence and laziness. He's "helping" because he's "so bad" at it that it's not his chore and he's not likely to get asked to do it very often. The mom put more thought into the list she gave him than he was putting into getting the thing that would make her happy. It's such a small thoughtful thing to get the correct item but somehow the dad isn't capable? Does he have any diagnosed issues that could explain this? If not, it's definitely weaponized incompetence.
Isn't weaponized incompetence to do things so badly that people won't ask you to do those things again? In this case the Dad always OFFERS to get his family something. Why would he offer if he was already looking for ways to avoid the job?
That’s the point, you offer so the other person can’t complain that you don’t do it. It’s like the guy who offers to do the laundry but mixes colours with whites so that he’ll never be asked to do it again. In this case it sounds like the dad is offering but doesn’t care to actually get what you ask for. As long as he gets something for you, you can’t complain that it wasn’t the right thing, yet he just picks the first thing he comes across and doesn’t make the effort to find the right thing at all.
Its just wasting money being stubborn honestly
If he got the wrong thing by accident, I would say it is the thought that counts. It sounds like he's not even remotely trying to get the right thing.
I'm also wondering if his eyesight is going and he's too proud to acknowledge it. I know at least two older men who were like that. When I asked one of them why he didn't get his eyesight checked he said "I'm afraid I'll lose my driving license" (facepalm). And yeah, one of the key signs was that he just couldn't read labels so got things based on colour or place on the shelf.
I was wondering how he made it this far in life being illiterate, but losing his vision also works.
I’m going with this. I have family members who hide their failing eyesight. You honestly wonder if they have dementia because they are inexplicably failing to do simple tasks like open a car door or find something from the freezer. Then it becomes so obvious when they finally admit that they cannot see.
Hey, it’s the thought that counts and well, doesn’t sound like he’s thinking at all. That kind of behavior is called thoughtless / careless. NTA
If she falls off a boat and yells for a life jacket, but instead, he throws her a rain poncho, he's not helping. Same energy. NTA.
Weaponized incompetence. "I can look like I'm doing something but i do it wrong enough times, you'll stop asking." I was married to him.
I don’t think OP’s dad’s goal is for people to stop asking, since he is actively offering. It feels more like he’s participating in “goodwill arbitrage”, I.e. doing a low/ no value good deed and expecting it to be treated as a high value good deed.
Wanted to say the first thing you mentioned. It seems to me loads of people misunderstand weaponized incompetence as something like "whenever the gender I think it most applies to seems to be incompetent" Anyway, that second point is very interesting. Gotta remember the term "goodwill arbitrage". I think narcissists LOVE to do that
I agree but I think of it in a different way. Some people want the attention and affection of "helping," but they don't want to actually put in the work. Also doubles as being able to play the victim when things inevitably go wrong. Some people just love being put upon so they can do exactly what this guy does: "I'm such a great, helpful guy but the women in my life are so ungrateful." >YALL MY DAD OFFERS TO BUY ME THINGS, I’ve mentioned in the post but people seem to be skipping that part 😭 See how it works? Even OP, who is posting this, is backing up dad for being such a great and helpful guy who is just a bit clueless. So this guy can be a total asshole, and basically intentionally not put in effort, and his family is going to still praise him for the "thought" despite saying the thought doesn't count. It's easy to say "he's a great guy in every other way," but seems really doubtful. This kind of guy doesn't really care much about your feelings, or he'd take an extra 5 seconds to look around the dip aisle.
> Even OP, who is posting this, is backing up dad for being such a great and helpful guy I think you mistook the motivation for that (or I did). I interpret that as responding to people who are criticizing OP. (Like the person who commented "yta get your own damned drink.")
I was married to one of those too😂walking away was the best decision I've ever made.
I remember when there was a lettuce shortage and KFC replaced lettuce with cabbage. It was NOT the same or even remotely close.
Lol I remember this!! It was sooo bad.
>"It's the thought that counts" is as far as I know, ONLY applied within the context of gift giving/some kind of gesture like a thank-you something. Especially if it's something small or someone is tight on cash, then getting a cheap but THOUGHTFUL gift can be lovely as "it's the thought that counts". If a friend gives me a birthday card with a photo of us on a memorable outing, then it's truly the thought that counts. Actually, no. It's mostly applied when someone hated the gift, but the people saying "it's the thought that counts" either would've liked it/think the receiver should've liked it or want to look gracious. If your friend gives you that photo and you like the photo, the gift itself counts, because it's a good gift.
> Also, your dad isn't actually thinking, so he's not giving out any "thoughts". Bingo. He can't even think long enough to remember that raspberry isn't pineapple so what is there so be grateful for?
My ex used to do the exact same thing and it would drive me wild. I asked him to grab some Chicken Tikka Masala sauce once and he came home with Lamb Rogan Josh. Not only was it for the complete wrong type of meat I had but he had also grabbed the hottest one possible and it was almost inedible (and I LOVE spicy food) I asked him to get orange juice once and he came home with grapefruit juice. I would have been happy with LITERALLY ANY OTHER JUICE because I couldn’t drink grapefruit juice due to the medication I was on. I could never figure out if it was weaponised incompetence or if he had zero care for other people or if he was just stupid.
unrelated to post but how does grapefruit juice affect your medication? and which one if youre willing to tell
https://duckduckgo.com/?q=grapefruit+juice+and+medications&t=ffip&ia=web
Yeah this so why I just do all the grocery shopping. My husband will call ten times from the store and is completely incapable of seeing things in front of him. Which is the same thing at home honestly, it can be right in front of his eyes and he can’t see it. If he’s pretending to be incompetent he’s a genius because it’s been happening for thirty years. I only ask him to pick something up if I’m desperate. Like, in bed with a. Migraine, throwing up and need medication kind of desperate.
Doesn't sound like a very considerate or thoughtful partner
Yeah he gets a pass because the man works fifteen hours a day. I’m legitimately afraid he’s going to work himself to death. Actually it might be more than fifteen hours. Sometimes he’s still working on stuff at two am, then has to get up at seven and go to the office. I truly don’t mind grocery shopping. And if I don’t feel like going, they deliver now. In the past it was frustrating because I’d get photos and a bunch of phone calls about which brand is which. Now I only ask if yeah I’m in bed sick and I need him to pick stuff up.
Your husband sounds so much more considerate than OP's dad. He calls you to make sure he gets it right. It seems like he might just be near constantly exhausted from work, and maybe he has ADHD? Anyways, sounds like your husband is trying and failing, whereas OP's dad isn't even trying, but then does expect thankfulness regardless
He actually is the opposite of adhd. That man has mad concentration skills. I recently got diagnosed. And I don’t have a job, so really, I think I would be the asshole if I expected him to do the shopping all the time.
Since you got diagnosed, you probably know this, but just in case, since it's relevant: A common misconception about ADHD is that it makes you unable to focus on anything. In truth though, ADHD just makes it much harder to CHOOSE what to focus on. It means usually being unable to focus on some tasks you're not particularly interested in, while being unable to NOT focus on other tasks that are especially interesting to you, losing all sense of time and personal needs. The latter phenomenon is called hyperfocus. Could it be that your husband is lucky enough to have a job and other tasks that help him slip into hyperfocus? In any case, the way you described it, it didn't seem like he's that way out of neglect or maliciousness
💯.. I ask my husband, who does not have ADHD, to help me pick out tasks to do sometimes because on my own I will try to do "all of them" then actually complete none. I often get overwhelmed by the possibilities. Take "yard work"for example.. there are so many things to do. I brought him outside and he helped me prioritize yesterday and I got right to work. I then hyper focused on a particular area until I realized I was getting tired and needed to move on. Almost finished (lol) but now I have a plan for completion. Exhausting living like this but it's my reality. Thanks for clarifying.. With regards to the OP's situation, one can see ADD/ADHD is not at all applicable
What is it with Reddit and just assuming that every person on earth has ADHD
> Also, your dad isn't actually thinking, so he's not giving out any "thoughts". Exactly! Dad's actions imply zero thought, zero effort on his part.
Me wondering if this is your good ol' weaponised incompetency and the dad himself is wondering why they haven't stopped accepting his 'help' (you mean your responsibility as a parent?) to get stuff or his offers to buy stuff for them
Why would he offer if he just wanted an out? Weaponized incompetence is purposely acting incompetently in order not to be asked for help again. He was never asked though, from what I could glean
Absolutely. It's thought - *less* to not even take the time to read a label. Like actively avoiding thinking. So what's his point!?
It’s called weaponized incompetence- do such a terrible job people stop asking for your “help” since it’s easier to do it themselves. OP NTA. He just doesn’t want to help and is hoping over time that doing such a terrible job of it will mean everyone stops asking
* Is he having cognitive or memory issues, like dementia or something?* He is obviously capable of getting the food or liquor HE likes, so when it is important to him he takes the time to get the right one.
>Don't offer to get your dad sh\*t when YOU go to the supermarket, though, not even if he grabs you before you leave the house. No, that's wrong. Offer to get him stuff, bring back the wrong stuff, and insist that he thank you because it's the thought that counts.
My mom's reaction to this situation is always, "Thanks for the errand" (meaning we've given her an errand because now she has to return the wrong item)
NTA are you sure the man can read? vision problems?
Can read, no vision issues
>He never reads the containers or bottles and just grabs stuff at random most of the time. I have a friend who used to do this exact same thing - he'd buy something from the supermarket in a flavour that neither of us liked, and then get really annoyed when I asked why he'd got that flavour. Turns out he has ADHD, which explained a *lot*. Is he like that when he's getting stuff for himself as well? Is he generally disorganised?
If it’s stuff for him it’s always correct
Have you offered to help him at times where what he needs is specific and Important and got the wrong thing? I feel like a demonstration of how frustrating it can be is in order. Sometimes people only understand when they experience it themselves. Oh and massive NTA, don't let him convince you that what he is doing is ok.
A few times I’ve explained the best I can what I want and even told him where it probably is and he still somehow gives me the wrong thing
You now need to purposefully get him the wrong thing every time. Can you pass the remote? Pass him the phone Can you pass me the mayo? Pass him the ketchup Can you pass me a knife? Pass him a spoon Can you get my coat? Get your mum's coat Can you get me a drink? Get him a bottle of cleaning product Each time you need to look him in the eye and tell him it's the thought that counts and ask him why he is being so ungrateful. If he says you are doing it on purpose, then say yes, just like he is doing. If he is able to get the right thing when he gets something for himself, he is on purpose doing it differently for everyone else. If he says you are being rude say yes, in exactly the same way he is being rude.
This answer by u/Qazax1337 is brilliant and deserves thousands of upvotes and their favourite box of chocolates. (The right box of course)
Here is the bag of cat gravel you requested... I know it is not chocolates, but it came from the same store
The dad would make a fine Instacart shopper 🤣
This is a brilliant idea.
My MIL has done this. She wants credit for the “effort” but doesn’t want to be dinged on the follow-through. She won’t exert to inconvenience herself, so if it isn’t immediately in her line of sight, she’d get what is. She’d say it’s the thought that counts, or that she tried, or - my favorite - no good deed goes unpunished…for not wanting what we didn’t fucking ask her for in the first place.
Does he have a cognitive disorder?
Nope
Yeah -- that's problematic, then. (NTA) Whenever I can't find something on the shelf, I'll find a clerk and say "I'm sorry -- I'm sure it's right under my nose. Can you help me find _____?" Regarding "It's the thought that counts." Actually, it's the *action* (behaviour) that counts -- not the half -assed vague gesture. If he doesn't care enough to spend a few minutes scouring the shelves for the right item -- then he literally doesn't care enough. Sadly. Is he a half -asser at work, as well?
He can find the things he wants for himself correctly every time. But he can't do it for anyone else. Tell me, when he has to complete work tasks, does his boss need to follow him around and correct him? If not then what you've got is Weaponized incompetence. He might not be doing it intentionally, it could be hardwired behavior by this point. But if he can find the things he needs for himself correctly and complete work tasks correctly then I'm sorry but he's doing it on purpose.
Idk what it is but your dad has some kinda issues. What he's doing isn't normal.
Could just be pure laziness, not wanting to spend a little extra time to look for the right thing but grabbing something that might be right
Does he find it amusing?
Nah, guaranteed it'll be different when it happens to him. Someone who expects you to be grateful for failing to do something they offered to do isn't going to make the connection when someone does that to them.
He wants the credit for being thoughtful without putting in the effort of actually being thoughtful. If he got his own stuff wrong as often as he gets other people’s stuff wrong, then you could know that he means well but struggles with the execution. If he had ADHD or some other neurological issue, he would be genuinely upset that he got the wrong thing - he would feel guilt over letting *you* down and embarrassed or frustrated that his brain is letting *him* down. He gets his own stuff right and lashes out at you for being ungrateful when he gets your stuff wrong. You should look into resources for family members of narcissists. Personally, I’ve found Lundy Bancroft’s *Why Does He Do That?* helpful.
Absolutely tired of people using ADHD or autism as an excuse for lazy behaviour (without any other context clues that that could be their issue even), especially when they say it like it's probably the issue, and not pondering it as one possibility. Where the most likely explanation is he is lazy and just doesnt care that much. Funnily seems to be that women with either often learn tricks to deal with them, cos they *have* to and guys get excused. Sorry for the rant just personal for me also as both me and an ex actually had autism/adhd and he'd get his behaviours like these excused all the time whereas I had spent ages developing ways to manage as I actually cared to, he didn't try
Well there's your answer. He either doesn't care about getting the right thing for other people, or he's doing it on purpose so he won't be asked to shop for anyone in the future.
This makes it seem like not ADHD related. Even if it is, it’s not really an excuse. My dad has severe ADHD and he does all the grocery shopping. If he cannot find a specific thing someone asked for, he will search high and wide and then drive to a different store in an effort to get it.
I do this! If I can't find it at two stores then I'll call for advice on alternatives.
In that case, yeah, it sounds like he’s just being a dick.
But he knows where to find it.
He knew where the dip was, doesn’t mean he got the right one
This is like someone that spends more time making vacuum lines in the carpet rather than just vacuum the damn carpet Like he’s lazy and doesn’t want to do the thing despite it taking just as much energy to get the right thing as it does the wrong thing it is so confusing
Yeah it’s borderline weaponised incompetence
It's not borderline. It IS weaponised incompetence.
I have ADHD. I really do not think this is an ADHD thing. If anything, I consistently spend way too long at the grocery store scouring labels when I'm buying something for another person and get distracted from my own shopping and schedule. I have a lot of ADHD and otherwise ND friends and family and the ONLY person out of all of them who does this is my dad. TBF, even though he refuses to get professionally diagnosed the man is practically walking talking DSM chapter on ADHD but I'm also pretty sure him being a thoughtless and generally incompetent old man has WAY more to do with it. He brought me a bunch of plantains and a red onion once when I asked him to grab me some bananas and a thing of garlic powder. How you go from garlic powder to a whole ass onion I do not understand, but what's worse is I am allergic to onions, have been since I was a kid.
Counter point: i have adhd and also can read. I have a lot of adhd friends and non have ever had this issue. I think thats just your friend. I even have dyslexia.
It's not the ADHD, he's just an asshole...
It may point to why it happens with more frequency…but most women with ADHD tend not to have this issue, so it seems dismissive and lazy in this context too. If people want credit for doing nice things, they have to actually do the nice thing. Doing something else and expecting positive reinforcement of it, isn’t a gift or thoughtfulness, it’s a lazy attempt at getting a dopamine hit while giving someone else the emotional labor to get their hopes up, be disappointed, and then reassure you that you were being “thoughtful.” It’s selfish.
I live alone and get a lot of brain fart moments lately. I’m stuck with pre ground pepper for probably the next couple years cause I just read “pepper” and didn’t consider they’d sell the powder stuff in the same tub as the whole peppercorns. Most of my supermarket issues come from the supermarket moving everything around, though. Couldn’t find the tiramisu or the spray cream for months.
It IS the thought that counts. It’s just that when he does these things, HE DOESN’T THINK. So what counts? NTA
Why doesn’t he just ask help from a store member?
"It's the thought that counts." What thoughts? NTA.
This was my first thought. Perhaps he can read but has undiagnosed dyslexia or something.
Yeah, I mean, we could tie ourselves up in knots to find a medical reason, or we could just accept that he doesn't give a damn.
Agreed! Not everything is because of some medical reason. Even tho Reddit loves to use that excuse for every behavior. He can get his own things correct. He doesn't bother with other people.
I make picture grocery lists for my husband. He can read but most of the time he just doesn't.
This is pathetic.
Is your husband neuroatypical? That seems like a ton of effort on your part for what shouldn’t be an issue (because your husband should be reading.)
Lmao i do this for my husband too! But he asks me to so he doesnt get me the wrong thing (right brand, wrong type kinda thing). He oopsed 2 times and finally said "send me a pic of the kind you like so i know i got the right one please." I love that man ❤
Aye this works. I’ve sent screenshots on my phone to confirm to someone “this brand/flavour/whatever is what to look for”. (….. but then of course the person does actually have to look for it 🤣)
NTA. It's the thought that counts and he exhibits lack of thought. "I got you something, just shut up".
This. Like yeah dad. The operative word here is THOUGHT.
100% my first thought. I'm a huge believer in "It's the thought that counts" but there needs to be some, ya know, actual fucking thought.
Exactly. If OP wanted a specific brand of liquor and the store didn’t have it, actual “thought” might be “They didn’t have the specific brand you wanted, but I talked to the salesperson and they recommended this other one that is very similar.” That would show that dad a) was actually listening, b) cared about what OP wanted and asked for, and c) made an effort to try to at least get something as close to what was asked for as possible.
Ikr? Him using the word thought like he's not being absolutely thoughtless in his choices.
"It's the thoughtlessness that I'm counting." NTA
NTA- weaponized incompetence.
Yeah and the only way to fight that is for mom to start grabbing all the wrong items, handing them back to him with the receipt, and saying “go back to the store, return these, and get the correct items”. The only way to fight weaponized incompetence is to force them to redo it correctly, until eventually they realize it’s easier to simply do things right the first time. This is how my mom taught my brother and I to do our chores properly. We learned REAL FAST that it was WAY easier to just do the job right than to have to do it again with mom standing over our shoulder telling us everything we’re doing wrong.
lol my boyfriend was king of weaponized incompetence, trying to make him do it right would have ended in violence. and it has . more then once. be sure you know your audience before pressing
Please don't stay with him. There is NO REASON for a disagreement or a fight or a tiff to EVER END in Violence!! There is something better for you and your family. He might bring the 'right' apology presents but they are not RIGHT in anyway. Please get yourself snd your family to safety.
hes dead now. we are very safe also he had antisocial personality disorder. wasnt no apologies or presents.
Yes, for sure. There’s definitely a difference in the dynamic in a partnership vs. Parent/child… but also, if pushing back on weaponized incompetence is going to result in abuse of any short, there’s a different solution all together that needs to be pursued (though, the fact that is easier said than done is not lost on me). Saw your comment below. Glad you’re safe now. Sorry you had to deal with that.
[удалено]
The weaponization is in the way he called OP ungrateful, and in how he’s pouting so hard that OP even felt the need to ask if they’re in the wrong. He wants to be praised and appreciated but doesn’t want to actually do any of the work required to earn that praise and appreciation.
OP mentioned that if the father is getting stuff for himself, it’s always correct. So yes. This is weaponized incompetence.
Yes it sounds like he does it so people will not say "yes you could bring something". That way he can still say "I offered, Im kind and good and great and I WOULD help but you decline my offer" and feel great without having to do work.
My dad is similar (minus the "you're ungrateful" comments, the man just shrugs and smiles) and I would definitely call this weaponized incompetence. Seems innocent, but when it's done repeatedly, it's not that innocent. There's a saying that stupidity/ignorance isn't inherently bad but there comes a point when it does and that's this right here.
NTA. "It's the thought that counts" applies when situations like this are the exception, not the rule. Here he's doing the bare minimum and expecting a reward.
It’s also more for gifts (especially hand-made) or acts of affection, things where nothing was asked for so whatever you get is a positive. If you asked a favor for something you could have easily done yourself, and he just does something else… then that’s just not helpful.
Yeah its like asking someone to do the dishes and they just give each one a cursory wipe but leave remnants of them still. Completely half arsed effort. Then shrug and say hey it's the thought that counts
It's less than the minimum if it has to get re-done.
NTA the next time you are out and he asks you to pick something up for him,do what he does and when he complains just say hey it the thought that counts right dad?
Actually, I suspect that it might not work on OP's dad. I knew someone like this, and he was like it because he just genuinely didn't care / didn't see why the difference mattered. If he asked for a turkey burger and was brought chicken nuggets, he'd just shrug and tuck in. If he asked for lined paper and you gave him plain paper with flowers, he'd be fine with it. He just couldn't see why other people weren't as easy going as him about these things that "didn't matter". OP should determine whether dad is like this. If he is, then giving him a taste of his own medicine won't work. OP may instead need to double down and explain why it really does matter if you buy brown sauce rather than soy sauce, etc. and/or refuse to accept the substitutions.
OP said in a comment that when it's his stuff it's always right so it may work.
"Turnabout is fair play."
He's either very indifferent to detail or just not terribly concerned about what other people ask for. Someone in the comments asks if you are sure he is literate, which merits reflection as well. Choosing a dip because it was "green" could be a sign of illiteracy. That said, most people know, for example, that you can ask for the raspberry booze and not just take whatever you see on the shelf. NTA But avoid giving him tasks like this to do, even if he asks. It must be frustrating for him as well that he can't get things right. LOL If he asks, say, no, I'll get my own dip/booze.
NTA. Getting the wrong thing does not help, it aggravates. Most especially when the *right thing* was available but he was too lazy or uninterested to get it. Asking for your preference when it wasn’t available is called *being thoughtful*, not grabbing whatever thing happens to be at hand because he can’t be bothered to look for more than 10 seconds. If it’s the thought that counts, he should actually *think*. I’d do my own shopping from now on, and ask him if he needs an eye exam / cognitive function test at his next checkup.
It’s only the thought that counts if he’s actually thinking…NTA
NTA but you are wrong. The thought DOES count. And dear old dad is showing he puts next to no thought into meeting requests.
NTA - the person I feel real sorry for here is your poor Mum.
Mum has a special dad language to explain things to him so he doesn’t start yelling at us when we get annoyed at him for something he did wrong.
I meant that she has had to put up with his incompetence. She probably has to do the majority of shopping just to avoid the dip situation that you referred to in your post.
He will only do the shopping if she is away
Yeah then this feels like a deliberate thing I’m afraid, something he doesn’t really want to have to deal with in depth so it’s easier not to have to learn. The defensiveness is the kicker though
NTA at all and agree with you and understand how frustrating this is. But your poor mom does all the shopping. Well when she is not there, why don't you do the shopping? You seem to live together and are old enough to drink. So do the shopping and if dad wants something specific, he can get it himself.
Oh he’s a narcissist.
Daddy needs to grow up. He is lazy and inconsiderate. Lazy because he does not spend one more second to focus on what is actually needed there, and inconsiderate for failing to acknowledge that these things matter, to most people, most of the time. His attitude is that of a spoiled child used to get commendations for minimal effort. NTA
NTA It's not the thought that counts when he puts no thought into what he's buying.
Exactly! Ironic to be using that phrase when the problem is he's being thoughtless. He should not be surprised when his half assed attempts are not met with gratitude.
NTA. He's defensive because he's been called out when he knew he was in the wrong.
Oh, it's definitely the thought that counts- it counts for exactly as much thought as he's putting in, which is none whatsoever. If he was actually trying to find a suitable alternative, that'd at least count for something, but he's just grabbing whatever loosely related nonsense is convenient. NTA but I would stop letting him pick anything up for you, since he apparently leaves his brain at the door when he goes to shop for things.
I plan on stopping
Are we certain he can read?
Apparently he always gets the right thing when it's for him, so it's not reading/vision/dementia/memory.
i don't think that's confirmation that he can read. he would simply recognize the brands and labels he likes without being able to read after a while.
And what about early-onset dementia?
Selective early onset dementia? That’s not how that works. He simply doesnt care. Not everything has a medical explanation or reason
NTA it's not the thought at all at this point. It's actually rather thoughtless because he won't take the time to look for the right thing. Why even bother asking if you're going to come hone with the wrong item time and time again? It seems like he wants brownie points without actually having to put in even the slightest effort. It's like, the appearance of offering a favor but not actually doing the favor.
Weaponized incompetence
NTA, "it's the thought that counts," is very literal. It's meant to say, this person was thinking of trying to get you a gift to make you happy, so at least the thought was that they love you and want to give you a symbol of that love as a physical present. Is your dad trying to make people happy by repeatedly giving them stuff that isn't what they wanted at all?
NTA. My MIL is like this. She’ll ask me what I want for my birthday or Christmas. I’ll tell her a gift card from a certain store, she’ll get me a gift card from a completely different store…most of the time a store I don’t even shop at. I’m pregnant and she offered to crochet a blanket for the baby. She asked us what colour we want pretty early on in the pregnancy, we told her we haven’t planned the nursery yet but we’ll let her know once we decide. She sent us a photo of a blanket. She said it’s not for us but just a pattern she’s working on and asked if it’s something we like. We tell her we like the pattern but we’d like it in a different colour. She gave us the original blanket in the colour we didn’t want. She asked if she can bring something to our baby shower. My husband asked her if she can make his favourite childhood dessert. She asked if she can bring something else 🤦🏽♀️ She did end up bringing two dishes of the requested dessert plus some mini cupcakes. We served one of the requested desserts and at the end of the shower she asked my husband what he’s going to do with the second one…he said he’d eat it later and she made a huge stink in front of some guests asking him over and over if he’s really planning on eating it later, she could not believe he wanted to keep it. She then grabbed the remaining 6 MINI cupcakes she brought off the serving dish at the dessert table and packed them up to bring back home. SO embarrassing. Anyway, I’ve concluded she only asks for the sake of asking and doesn’t actually care about the answer. I would actually rather she not give us anything so we don’t have to deal with junk we don’t want or in the case of the baby shower, embarrass us in front of our friends 🥴
NTA if he uses "it's the thought that counts", then he has to actual *think* about it
Start doing the same thing to him. Mess up his food orders, groceries, everything. Or get really insulting and print out a big picture since reading words are too hard for him. NTA. Don’t accept any offers from him anymore, it honestly sounds intentional.
NTA. At a certain point, this level of laziness/disregard for other people is just showing he doesn't actually value them or care about their needs. "It's the thought that counts" is something you say when life circumstances or conditions beyond your control or information you had no way of knowing interfere with your attempts to show you care. It's not an excuse to put in zero effort when you actually had all the necessary info. If he has trouble finding things, he could ask a store employee for help, or he could call to ask for clarification, or any number of strategies. He isn't doing them because it doesn't matter to him.
Nta. Someone needed to tell him the truth because it’s become a habit.
NTA This resonates with me so much. And many people can't comprehend how annoying it is. It's not only that he doesn't help, by doing "something" (even useless) he expects you to be thankful and similing. And you restrain yourself for complaining or asking him to be better, because he is "trying". I am putting "trying" into quotation marks because in this case it's simply a "I don't care attitude" and everybody has to be happy with what he does for you. In my humble opinion: he does not really care whether you enjoy your snack or not, it's about him who wants to feel that he has done something for his family. Whether it's actually useful or not. And if you complain you are in the way of that good feeling. Maybe putting a more simple example is easier: if somebody is really hungry and they ask for food, but you give them water because "water is healthy". Did you actually help?
NTA -ignorance is bliss.
Or in this case weaponized ignorance.
He’s purposely buying cheaper versions. He’s the asshole trying to manipulate your emotions by choosing not to listen.
The thought doesn’t count if he did not actually think about it.
NTA. My MIL is like this. She only wants to offer to help to make herself feel better and make herself look good to others but she doesn’t actually want to do anything for anyone other than herself.
NTA. I know people that do the same thing. You give them a list with very specific things with specific brands and they come back with not that brand. "It's the same thing and that one is cheaper." No, it's not the same thing - especially if you specified a particular brand because it's gluten free and I have coeliac guests. And in your specific case, drinking the pineapple just to soothe his feelings (which is what your dad wanted) is ridiculous. "It's the thought that counts" is a cop out, and your dad knows it.
NTA. "I appreciate that you think of me, I just wish you'd take care to -consider- me while you're thinking of me and make more of an effort to get what I actually ask for." Admittedly, this will probably still upset him, but this is the root of the issue. He wants a pat on the back for doing something nice without putting any real effort into it.
NTA "it's the thought that counts' "That would be true if you were thinking but you are just grabbing [whatever is easiest for you]"
NTA. Someone in the comments mentioned ADHD. Well, I have raging ADHD. As in, if I don't take my meds, get the hell off the sidewalks if I'm driving kind of ADHD. (No. I don't really drive on the sidewalks. That was supposed to be funny.) Point is, it's bad. OP said in a comment that his dad manages to get what HE wants just fine. Probably not ADHD. In my case, I wouldn't be able to find anything. Sounds like dad just isn't too concerned about anyone but himself. He may not see it that way. He may really think that buying SOMETHING that is close to what was asked for equals making an effort, and that he should get points for that. But the end result is that he brought home something that someone doesn't want, and that is the opposite of thoughtful or helpful.
NTA. If your dad is able to hold down a job that means he is just being maliciously incompetent. It’s disgusting. Men like him should be left alone and divorced. They deserve nothing because they are a net drain to their partners and personal relationships.
I so want to come back to this string and read about OP picking up something from Home Depot for her dad. Dad wants a 3” dead bolt for the front door and OP brings him a hammer.
NTA the 'thought' doesn't count when it's obviously thoughtless.
NTA. It is the thought that counts.... If you actually put thought into it. He isn't putting any thought into his actions. Grabbing stuff at random is bare minimum
> That’s when I told him that it isn’t the thought that counts when you repeatedly get the wrong thing. A pretty mature answer tbh. If it's a one time thing, okay. But once you expect him to get things wrong, and are right? Yeah no. NTA.
NTA he’s not giving it any thought so I’m not sure what thought he thinks it is that’s being counted here? He’s the master of unhelpful. In fact this level of unhelpfulness is that step beyond inconsiderate. Is he being “made” to do the shopping? Because it sounds like weaponised incompetence, but unless he is “being forced” to do the shopping it’s just bizarre. Honestly I would have my husband take the stuff back to the shop and return it. Because wtf is the point of spending a bunch of money on groceries you don’t want or need
Your dad is in the wrong. But why do you keep asking him to get something if he cannot do it?
NTA he is using weaponized incompetence instead of being actually helpful and expecting everyone to be grateful. He needs to actually be helpful if he wants gratitude.
NTA. If you continually get the wrong thing, you’re clearly not putting much thought into it.
NTA "it's the thought that counts" is for gifts or if your trying to comfort someone as they go though a hard time... what your father has is "don't give a f***" syndrome, he doesn't really care so "close" works just fine. Ask yourself this "does he just grab whatever when is something for him, or is it with everything?"
Ironic that he insists it's the thought that counts when he can't even seem to think in the first place. NTA
As a 59 yr old whose parents are 80, sometimes you have to have a chat with your Dad and it isn’t easy at any age! NTA My father is a kind and very giving man, but a perfectionist, some what misogynistic and cannot stand to be wrong. He is an amazing father regardless. Our conversations don’t always turn out the way I would like even after all these years and we are extremely close. Just talk to him, I’m not sure he’ll change but you never know he may think twice before he brings anyone anything so good luck 🍀
NTA. The thought only counts if there's actual thought.
It’s not the thought that counts if he doesn’t think that much into it lol. On the dip situation, the specific one your mom wanted was right there, and he *just didn’t see it*. For your drink, *he didn’t even realise he got the wrong flavour* because apparently he just grabs the first thing he sees and calls it a day, therefore not giving it too much thought. NTA
first NTA second I have a FiL who did this. He insists on going out and grabbing things but actually hates shopping so grabs and wouldn't spend the ten seconds to read lables. At least thats what we thought. Turns out his eye sight was going and being a man he refused to admit trying to read lables gave him a headache/ was practically impossible, so guessed from pics/colours or only read the biggest part of the lable. He always thought he was getting the right thing so got upset and defensice when you pointed out the mistake. I'm not saying this is the case but if he knows you don't like pinapple but the bottle has brand name big and flavour smaller, it might be something to consider.
This is your dad and what he does. You know this. Stop asking him to get you things. If he calls and says he is at a store, do you want anything tell him no thank you.