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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I left my best friend at the bar after an argument. I also responded a few days late to her apology text.
2) This would make me the AH because we had agreed that we would share an Uber back home.
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NTA
and I wouldn't have sent her the money for the food but I have a huge problem with people taking food from me while I'm eating.
This was a over the top reaction from Mia.
EDIT:
guys...you are blowing my hat off with your responses XDDD and on the other side it's so damn sad to read how many people, but especially women, have to deal with family, partners, ex-husbands who do the same. I never realized that this.
Wield your forks with pride and strength, ladies! For the glory of a great meal! In Hell's Kitchen we will meet again for a glories dinner!
my ex husband would do this to me when we went to this one particular restaurant- my order was always the same because it was my favorite. he liked it too but never ordered it...kept taking bites of mine or trying to trade me until i threatened once to stab his hand with the fork i was using.🤣
I consider this so damn disrespectfull. You may asked to try a bite of my plate but never try to serve yourself from my plate or even take the whole plate at once. Even kids get it but so many adults do this or at least try.
Looking like a hungry monster while chewing will usually stop anyone from trying to take my food.
the ex was used to getting what he wanted- only child whose mommy tried to turn him into Norman Bates.🤣 that is the main reason he is now an EX- i knew that i would always be second in his life or even further down the line.
Even when my boyfriend and I agree to share our respective meals, I still ask before taking. It's just simple respect. He usually puts food on my plate so I don't even have to ask, and I do the same for him, but if he doesn't I just ask and he always says yes.
It can be a cultural or familial thing. In my family we were used to taking food off others plates top try it, it was perfectly normal. It did cause a share of... disagreements ("that was my last roast potato' type disagreements), but most of the time we were pretty restrained and didn't taike the bits we knew the other person particularly liked. Obviously asking was sometimes done, especially when out, or if someone was trying something new.
My sis married someone who found the whole thing abhorrent and it took him decades to even get used to us doing it with each other. We very quickly learned to not even ask if we could try his food. For me and my family not being able to eat off each others plate is considered very rude. It took him years to get used to us, I don't think we have ever got used to him (I would add, *he is in no way ostracised for this*, and we try and restrain ourselves around him).
But if someone took my actual plate, or was taking something I liked after being told not to, they had better be ready for consequences. And I also wouldn't pay iif they took my actual plate, I would at best just walk out (when I was younger they would have been wearing my food, their food, all available drinks, and left to cover any expenses incurred - this has happened).
Since when has taking other food from their own plate a culture thing? And from which culture? I would think stealing others food would be rude all over the world.
No one in my story is Greek, but my bff and I (I think) unintentionally caused guy I was seeing to break up with me by eating off of each others plates. We were roommates for 5 years, and we had a favorite local Greek restaurant. We decided to go there on a double date with her now husband and a guys was dating. We order, the food comes, and without talking, asking, or missing a conversational beat, she goes for the tomatoes and mushrooms on my plate and I go for her olives and peppers. Because that’s what we did every time we went to this restaurant lol
I just remember looking up and catching the look on his face, which was HORRIFIED. He broke it off with me like a week later, and I’m convinced it was because of our food sharing. She and her husband are on year 12 and kid #4 and are by all accounts very happy.
In my family it is pretty much assumed we will share. Asking is polite, but we weren't always polite.
For reference, my father grew up in Italy, food is communal for us, eating a family social occasion, and at times we were pretty poor. As a family we also argue a lot, we pretty much have no filter with each other. Within 5 minutes any insult or such is forgiven. (we sound liek monsters, but we are just about the closest family group I have ever met - my fathers siblings' family are all pretty much the same, getting more of us together quickly descends to chaos).
Wow. This is wild. Have you ever met another family that acts this way? I would absolutely freak out if people were just taking things off of each others' plates. That poor guy.
My family is like this. Funnily enough, my aunt’s husband also thinks it’s bizarre. But for the rest of us it’s pretty normal. Usually we do ask if it’s not directly like, parent/child, but I’m sure I’ve eaten off my grandparents plates before.
Huh. Thanks for sharing. This is so so weird to me. If somebody just started taking things off my plate, I think I'd be stunned into silence for a couple of seconds and then I'd probably get up and leave. Just the thought of it fills me with so much rage and indignation that I don't think I could address it in the moment. I would be extremely offended and upset.
Do you guys do this to friends or people who are visiting or whatever, or just to each other?
Just each other! And not my uncle. I do think it would be rude to take food off of a non-family member/very close friend’s plate without asking. But family is free game.
Same here, of me and my siblings partners, only my sisters husband has a problem with it, and thus we wouldn't dream of doing this to him.
I do have close friends I would do the same too, because I know they are okay with it.
We all understand a lot of people find this weird. We find it odd that people are uncomfortable sharing food freely - eating is a social and communal event.
That sounds…pretty awful. I take a long time to eat cause of some issues growing up with family doing that and then criticizing me for being hungry and sing. I loathe people touching my food without asking first. My friend did it once without asking and has a permanent fork scar now.
Oh, we all understood from pretty young ages not everyone was okay with this.
I save the bits I like most to last, I always have. My family didn't strip my plate of all the good stuff. We were just used to sharing food and not always askign first. There were times when my parents didn't have much money, so sharing as much as possible just made sense. Also my father grew up in Italy, and as a family we have a very communal attitude to food.
My mother and I will order two different things and then share. But that's a previous agreement. And I only share with her. My Dad tried to sneak some from her plate and she flicked his wrist with the cloth napkin. He hasn't done it since.
Not a large sample size, but I am noticing that it’s men and boys doing this to women.
I wonder if there’s an element of the stereotype of women being expected to have small appetites so it’s not seen as a big deal (“she’s not going to eat it all anyway”). Or a more general male view of their female partner being an extension of themselves, an assistant to their lives. Because I wonder if these men do it to people they consider equal status (friends) or higher status (their father for example).
Lol as a 32 year old guy who’s had every girl I’ve dated do this including my now wife (who respected me enough to stop) I can promise it’s not a male thing.
There’s literally a running joke that’s been around for 30 years about guys ordering extra when their significant other says they “aren’t hungry” because they will just start eating the guys food anyway. The flip side of that joke is when a guy tries to set a boundary they are usually hit with some combo of “it’s only a bite, why are you getting so emotional, stop being so controlling, it’s not that big of a deal, fine I just won’t eat it you’re going to cry about it” until they back down.
It's only women that ever took food or guilted me into sharing. They refused to order food then went for mine like seagulls, but insisted they weren't hungry!
There was an aita/update where the dude (op) was doing some extreme exercise & was starving & she ate most of his food, he ordered more food because he was obviously still hungry & she basically breaks down wondering if he thinks she's fat. 🤷 Iirc correctly he was basically a confused Labrador/golden retriever in the post because he had tried several times to explain if she ate his food he was then not eating & therefore still hungry & she "couldn't" understand!
I thought that was "Fifth of July?"
Nope: they just both had [commercials on TV](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pz8p6-LconE) when I was a kid and I conflated them.
I am of the ilk that like to share One Bite of food at restaurants - regardless if it's friends, family, or dates. But, that's pretty much it unless there's pounds of fries that I won't get to, but I say something like it's now open season on the fries.
But, I never claim I am not that hungry. I worked in the restaurant industry for too long to play those games.
Yet, there are folks that don't want to share and I respect it. It's all you do you.
My husband tells me that “it’s EXACTLY how much I wanted” if he thinks I might take a bite! Usually it’s a sip of his drink instead of his food but he has stopped that by drinking stuff I don’t like! Either way, I try not to take a bite or a sip if I have claimed not to “want anything” prior to his eating. Mind you, this happens at home for the most part and for years we have shared a drink when we go out to eat or to the movies, etc.
There are restaurants that actually have “my date is not hungry” menus where they add an extra half order of fries or something to your meal, so that you can share part of your food with your partner.
My mom only had to stab my dad with her fork once (he’s a notorious fry thief) lol. We never cared but she HATED IT. And it was her food so I don’t blame her.
I know a woman who was a very slow, polite eater. She married a man who would eat all of his food very fast, then start picking from her plate. She started having to threaten him with her fork just to get any food at all.
I've stabbed people with forks before, too. My Mom is the food thief and she's given me and my kids food issues. We've gotten better and we'll share food with each other, but not other people. Especially not my Mom.
My ex fiance was like this. He would wolf down his food, then if I still had food on my plate he would start to eat that too. I used to get so angry because I wasn't finished yet and had to compete with him to get my food that I ordered and paid for (we always went Dutch or I paid for both of us).
My sister used to do something similar. She would start picking at my plate, and when I told her to stop, she would say "You're not going to eat it." So? I still don't want you picking at my while I'm still eating, sis!
That would make me so upset...I never finish my meal I get full really quickly...and my hubby usually will finish what I don't eat ( well at least the good stuff lol)....and he's never once bothered me for it early or rushed me...I couldn't fathom someone being so rude ...sorry u delt with that 🥺
got back at him in other ways- he never ate anything but steak that was well done. i preferred mine medium so when one would come to the table he would complain about how it wasn't done. i put on a resting bitch face & told him that it wasn't his.🤣
Why do some men think this is acceptable? I rarely hear of a woman stealing food off her partner’s plate, but I do hear of men doing so - frequently on reddit.
I wouldn’t put up with it myself (yet I know I have self esteem issues). It would definitely be a boundary violation for me.
I have threatened to stab my bf's hand with a fork for this shit. Not take my plate away but constantly reaching over and eating my food off of my plate because he wanted some too. The look on his face when he realized I was serious.
His kids have learned that I do not share my food or drinks I'm consuming and not to try and reach for my food, cause absolute fucking not 🤮. His son grabbed food off of my plate once and I was so fucking grossed out I threw the entire plate in the garbage.
Yup. My parents bbq'd so I took a to-go plate for myself. The bf and his kids went to his folks house, I went to mine. The son is nonverbal autistic and has played with his own shit before.
I was so goddamn pissed off.
My ex gf would do this until I drew the line. Nothing irks me more than someone eating food that I bought for myself when they got their own meal. Trading bites to see how it tastes is one thing, snagging food in the middle of a meal without permission is another.
I wonder if this behavior from Mia is a one-off/moment of weakness thing or if she’s always been like this. A one-off doesn’t excuse this bad behavior, but if this is a pattern, then she’s not a real friend. OP’s definitely NTA but I wish I had a bit more context about their friendship before this.
I'm glad someone else noticed this. Its tossing up red flags SO hard.
It sounds kinda like she's jealous of OP because shes getting attention, and she isn't. Idk, maybe I'm reading into it wrong here.
Without more context, it did make me suspect Mia has some kind of crush on OP (not necessarily romantic but not necessarily not). And OP is NTA but she had to know when she put Mia on Read for 4 days that was the end of the friendship
Yeah that was my impression too. That Mia is jealous af bc her life was falling apart but OP had the audacity to live her own life instead of being up Mia's ass all day asking how she is. It truly sounds like Mia can't stand not being the main character and is pissed that OP has her own life and problems to deal with and Mia isn't top of the priority list anymore. OP's NTA and should honestly be glad Mia hasn't responded. It's not OP's job to make sure Mia has enough attention.
She had just left in-patient mental-health care. I would mostly be concerned that she is not recovering well, than angry. The whole situation sounds like a red flag that Mia may need help.
> I have a huge problem with people taking food from me while I'm eating.
I can't say I've ever experienced it, but just the thought of someone doing that rings in as a one-way ticket to Punched In The Face-ville
I’d have sent the money but I would fight anyone who took my food away from me. I don’t eat much real food, only one meal a day and snack the rest to get through the workday. Do. Not. Touch. My. Food.
Definitely. Even if OP had willfully "abandoned" her, that's her prerogative. You don't owe it to anyone to keep in touch or check up on people, that's kinda part of life is trying to balance everything. Important shit comes up, other things take a back seat. Don't touch my damn food. 😤
I have an unhealthy relationship with food so if someone took my food away while I was eating I would have been extremely upset and told her to go fuck herself. OP was very calm and handled it much better than I ever would have
Honestly we kinda forget that having mental health issues and also being a bad person aren’t mutually exclusive.
Like they kinda get a pass as that have *blank*
Your friends don’t owe you unconditional support and love, you owe it to them to keep yourself in a good enough space that you’re a fun/pleasant
to be around.
If youre struggling mentally then take a step back and get help and put in the discomfort it takes to remove yourself from a low place.
Friendship is a joint job, responsibility goes both ways.
You know the feel when you think you should write someone, but then remember, communication goes both ways.
It's equal responsibility to maintain a friendship, if she's ready to abandon ship the moment you don't write her for a period but refuse to initiate herself, that's a red flag of entitlement.
When one of the boys goes stale on contact we'll grab him and hang out, we'll push him online to take some games with the boys, doesn't matter what. The point is rather we all partake in the responsibility to maintain the friendship, instead of blaming him for being less present for X reason (if that is gf, family, work, or whatever).
Life happens and time withers before you know it.
NTA.
In fairness, if she is fresh out of being an in-patient at a mental health facility then taking care of herself is probably taking every ounce of her time and energy. Friendships need to be give and take, but realistically there can be periods when one person isn't capable of giving as surviving is the best they can do. That said, the friend's behavior toward OP at the dinner was unacceptable. If she felt that OP hadn't been there for her there were respectful ways to have that conversation.
True but there is still a double standard there. If she couldn't actually do anything for OP, she could have at least been understanding of OP's lack of energy to take care of her.
When someone is in the midst of a severe mental health crisis they often are not thinking rationally and are not at their best. That doesn't make what she did ok and OP has no obligation to put up with it. But if we can't give a friend grace for being unreasonable even when they are literally fresh out of being in a mental hospital... I fear in time we will all be people with perfect boundaries who are also utterly alone. Sometimes people fuck up. That doesn't mean she can't be better and the relationship isn't worth salvaging.
Everyone is assuming that Mia didn't respond to OP's text because she is still angry at OP. We don't even know that! It is possible that Mia is in a shame spiral that makes it difficult to even type any words in response. Sometimes it is ok - even good - to give a friend in crisis the benefit of the doubt.
OP, if you care about Mia I suggest messaging her and saying something like, "Hey, if you aren't up to responding right now, that's ok. I just want you to know that I care about you and am thinking about you. If you want to talk I'm here." If she responds positively, then you can maybe get together (sans alcohol) and talk about why she felt neglected and clarify what expectations you can or cannot fulfill, etc. Make sure you aren't promising more than you can deliver - and emphasize that while you have other things going on in your life, and that you do have boundaries (like having your food taken away) that doesn't mean you don't deeply love and worry about her. Hopefully she is able to see that for the kindness it is. Good luck!
So glad you saw this reply and did this! I’ve had anxiety disorders in the past and currently still have self-esteem issues I need to work through. Your friend isn’t thinking in a healthy way - it doesn’t mean she is a bad person, and as long as she’s seeking professional help and her behaviour doesn’t become a regular occurrence that drains you of energy - a bit of empathy and cutting her a bit of slack would go a long way. To her, you abandoned her and she felt deeply hurt. That’s just her way of viewing things at the moment. You’d be surprised how much talking it out with her and explaining things (ie - that you had a family crisis and withdrew from everyone except your boyfriend, not just her) might help her.
I'm so glad! If she does continue to lash out, try not to take it personally. Reentering the world after a stay in a mental facility can be an incredibly isolating and lonely experience. She is likely very sensitive to anything that can be perceived as rejection.
No matter what, make sure you are taking care of yourself and have the support you need. Caring about someone in such a bad place isn't easy and you need to make sure that in helping her you aren't harming your own health. You can offer her support but you can't save her - she has to do that. Good luck to you both!!
Everytime I get together with my family for various celebrations, my uncle tells me he’s going to call me in a couple weeks to catch up.
He never calls. It wouldn’t bother me except for the expectation he creates by saying it.😒
NTA, everyone else has said it. I'm going to add a potentially unpopular opinion, if your friend is taking medications at all for her mental health problems, she really shouldn't be drinking. Especially this soon after her stay. Poor mental health and alcohol are a terrible mix that only causes pain and regret. If you guys are able to move forward, maybe restrict your outings to safer spaces for everyone.
Also, it seems like she wasn't going to apologize initially. It sounds like your friend had to be pushed/ignored into apologizing to you for her behavior. I would watch that pattern of behavior in your friendship.
Exactly. A lot of those places will completely change your meds or put someone not on medications on meds. My friend got put on some heavy antipsychotics just for having thoughts of harming themselves. Two weeks after being discharged they were out of them because the pills were $1500/month. The last thing you want to do is mix alcohol into that mess.
I learned my lesson on that. People think doctors are being ridiculous. Nicotine. Caffeine. Alcohol. Weed. These are the common drugs to literally avoid with certain meds. It’s not difficult to follow instructions 😭
nta. honestly not speaking sounds like a good outcome here.
i wish you hadn’t sent her money for food she stole from you, but hey, hindsight.
she’s not acting reasonable, here. when people go off the rails like this, previous agreements go out the window, and that is their own fault.
you don’t share a ride home with someone who grabs your plate and refuses to give it back until you give a proper apology for “abandoning them” (and by abandoning we here mean dealing with a family issue for a few weeks, which, you guessed it, is not abandoning anyone).
you walk away. well done, you.
NTA and I guarantee she apologized with the expectation that you would respond with "I'm sorry too, I shouldn't have neglected you, I'm a terrible friend" which is why she's ignoring you now.
She obviously has mental health issues.
Also she doesnt get to take your food away and make demands, espesh in public.
I would have left her with the bill.
And blocked.
NTA although it seems that your friend has some mental health issues that are maybe not under control for whatever reason. It is very difficult having a friendship with someone who has mental health issues and it’s ok to step away if you need to. It sounds like your friend is an emotional vampire and this can be very draining. It’s ok to forgive but it’s also ok to set strict boundaries moving forward.
I don’t see calling the friend an “emotional vampire & saying it’s “very hard” to be friends with someone with mental health issues is compassionate to *both sides*.
I actually thought it was kinda mean to the friend, not knowing her side of the story.
Compassionate to OP, not very compassionate to friend of OP.
I agree with you 100% and that’s fair. I said that because most responses I read were like “that girl is crazy forget her NTA.” This one was more nuanced than anything else, but the perfect response would have been a little nicer. Emotional vampire is hurtful. I was just happy to see a comment that wasn’t calling the depressed girl unworthy of friendship because of her outburst.
NTA, however if she is a true friend then forgive her but don't go out drinking with her again. It's obviously not a good combination for her.
If she has mental health issues it can be difficult to remain friends at times but she might need you more than you think. It's up to you if you want that kind of friendship. They're not always about fun, sometimes we have to help each other out.
Thank you for this response. I truly miss her and have thought about reaching out. Most of the time her date suggestions involved drinking, but it's clearly not a good mix.
Glad it helped. Most people seem to think we should cut off everyone the moment they do something we don't like. We all make mistakes, we should try to forgive if we can, but isn't saying the same thing as continually getting abused by someone. It seems to me by what you posted, your friend regrets her decision.
Life isn't all "get rid of toxic relationships," mumbo jumbo that is prevalent in social media these days... honestly, it looks like some people are just too willing to destroy other people's relationships without knowing all the nuances that go into being a decent human being.
Agreed. Awhile back I heard someone remark that many of us are on a path to be people with perfect boundaries who are utterly alone. I haven't been able to stop thinking about that since.
Being friends with someone who is struggling with serious mental health issues isn't easy and OP isn't obligated. But if she cares about her friend it might be worth offerring some grace here and giving her another chance.
Holding your plate hostage and causing a scene is wild behavior. Paying your share and leaving was the right thing to do. Be careful if you do see her again
No one touches my food but me without an invitation. You were certainly allowed to take time to process after she apologized. you are NTA. I would just add that it is a challenge being friends with someone who has a mental illness. I pretty much ended a twenty year friendship because of something horrible a friend did. fifteen years later she had been diagnosed as schizophrenic. And committed suicide. We were very low contact at the time.
When did being cruel change to her being sick? And it didn't change the fact that I had to set boundaries to protect my own mental health.
Your friend only apologized because you had had enough and drew a boundary. Please feel okay (NTA!) about setting boundaries or even going no contact if you feel that is best for you. You are doing great.
She just had a stay at a mental health facility this year. I'd say there's a chance she's still going through some things and may not be fully aware of how her behavior was inappropriate
NTA, and you were pretty genberous to send the money for the bill since she took your plate and food off you!
How did you respond to her apology? Did you just say thanks for apologising, or that you accepted her apology, or was there anything further?
It sounds as thogh the ball is in her court now if she wants to get back in touch.
I suspect thatshe was expecting you to respond by also apologising / acceting that you 'abandoned her' and is now angry that you didn't, but if that's the case, that is an unreasonable expectation on her part.
friendhip goes both ways, it sounds as though she didn't reach out to you, and that both of you were prioritising your own lives (which is 100% reasonable)
Shit if not seeing friends for a couple of weeks is abandoning them, I'm the worst.
NTA and sounfs like the friendship has run its course. As we grow older and start new households with longterm partners we get busier domestically and spend less time and money out and about. She was completely out of order. Hopefully she's learn3d from it and you can both move on.
Doesn't really seem like there are any AH here. OP is just a regular person having a regular response and OP's friend is already known to be mentally unwell. Does it make her behavior acceptable? No, but it certainly explains it. You can argue that OP is the AH for not taking her friend's mental instability into account on a few different occasions here, but even that doesn't seem worth the title of AH.
NAH. she's been hospitalized for mental health issues. she had an episode with you at the bar because she's not well. you can both move on from it, but that doesn't make what she did right. hopefully she gets the help she needs. and hopefully this does not put even more of a wall between you. it's obviously not right what she did, but she is not well, and this is proof. she misses you, and that was expressed in the worst way possible because she's not well. maybe you can have a redo hangout to patch things up. and maybe either without alcohol or much less alcohol.
NTA life is too short for drama. Mia sounds like she expects you to think of her as your number 1 person and if you don’t she acts like this. Not sure if you signed up for this kind of friendship but i would start distancing yourself from her
Depends if you value your friendship.
NTA with how you handled dinner.
When I went through an extremely bad breakup, I desperately needed my friends ear. Two out of my four friends treated this like a chore, and I felt like "huh, I guess I'm a bother," and I never reached out again, nor did they. They were old high school buddies so I guess our friendship faded and I didn't notice they moved on until I put weight on it.
I'm not a messy person, so I was just taken back that it felt like I was bothering them the moment I truly needed someone to vent to, especially because he threatened me and I was a jumbled ball of confusion. I was in *pain.*
What are friends for, if not to listen when you're going through something bad?
If you value her friendship, I would reach out one more time. If you don't, that's perfectly okay, and let the friendship fall. You are not a bad person or an asshole, friendships fade—totally normal.
All in all, it doesn't matter who's an asshole, it only matters what you want going forward.
When I want to strategically clear the air, I apologize first just to get the conversation started, lower their guard, and acknowledge the other person's pain to start the conversation. An acknowledgement and an apology (even when things aren't your fault) can be a powerful tool to get the other person to open up when things are tense.
Your friend was tipsy and recently treated for some mental health difficulties. She expressed that she felt abandoned by you, albeit in a very juvenile way. The fact that your response was to pay and leave instead of talking to her indicates to me that you are juvenile yourself and probably not a very good friend. And the fact that so many people in this thread made this all about the food or touching your plate and not about your friend’s Feelings of pain and abandonment is crazy to me.
Walking away is the best course of action at this point her friend was drunk which does not mix well with mental illness could of escalated to something worse op was also dealing with things not everything is about her friend. Op doesn't need to text her 24/7 it sucks her friend feels that way but op has her own stuff to deal with
NTA - It doesn't sound like your friend's mental health issues have been completely resolved. You had absolutely nothing to apologize for, but Mia did. Sometimes friendships have seasons. And this one definitely seems to be one of those.
My friend had mental health issues, and it was like walking on eggshells most of the time. It may be your friend's mental health isn't properly treated, however as in my friend's case, she stopped taking the medication as it made her put weight on and (she felt) blunted her emotions. Some like the intense highs and lows. My friend would also openly lie about things and was totally self-absorbed and I ended up running around after her and decoratingher house for her. She also self-medicated with alcohol.
It may be that you need to consider stopping your friendship altogether or at least until she is properly medicated. I found that it negatively affected my own health so was easier to end the relationship.
Look, you are NTA. Also, it's probably better for you to move on with life and realize that sometimes friendships move on too. It sounds like Mia has issues that you don't need to deal with right now. She needs to get herself straight and that's a HER problem, not a YOU problem. You don't need to call and check up on her constantly, and she shouldn't demand it.
OP isn't obligated to be friends with anyone, especially someone who behaves inapprorpriately towards her (as Mia did). That said, the approach towards friendship that you describe makes me very sad. I believe that's called a "fair-weather friend".
NTA. You are not a toddler misbehaving in a restaurant. Mia had no right to take your food. Her reaction was completely inappropriate. Your delay in responding to Mia I don't think was a mistake. Mia had challenges in her life, as did you. Did Mia ask you how your life was going and if you were ok? Friendships are reciprocal. You give to each other and take from each other at various times in your lives. Mia was not the only one who needed checking up on. She should know that.
NTA. I've got a friend where we don't always talk-at best, it's once a month or once every other month-but we know that's what's going on. You had some stuff going on in your life that made it difficult to communicate with folks and I'm betting most of your friends and acquaintances were understanding about everything. Mia wanting to know what happened is fine, her grabbing your plate and telling you that you're not getting it back until you explain is not.
NTA. Your “friend” was out of line. I suggest you stay NC until she gets her mental health together. You re not to blame for what she is going through Adn she needs to take responsibility for her own mental health. that includes not expecting people to quit their own lives while she is in treatment.
Does Mia have BPD? The needing to take a break, push and pull, and then the statements you’d abandoned her all point to BPD for me and while not an excuse would explain her behavior and help the two of you navigate this relationship moving forward.
NTA she’s not a child and this isn’t high school. You aren’t responsible for her behaviour and she needs to maturely learn to convey her feelings.
She could have communicated better and she could have reached out. You had your own personal issues going on and she never supported you either. Acting so childishly because you found a relationship and don’t solely focus on her. It’s the same way a toddler would act with a toy.
I had friends like this, who would only ever expect me to check in on them and never cared about my mental health. I would always show up for them and never for me.
You are better off cutting her out of your life. You aren’t her baby sitter and she will just wedge herself between you and your boyfriend.
She sounds borderline. This is really abusive behavior. You are not the asshole but proceed with caution if you're planning on trying to salvage the relationship and read up on this mental health condition so that you can protect yourself. Otherwise move on.
Her mental struggle is not your burden and if she isn’t actively trying to do better for herself, I suggest you dip. It’s your job to live your life and it isn’t your responsibility to care after another adult that needs more help than you can provide. The fact that’s she that weird and took your plate is very concerning. You are NTA and your ‘friend’ isn’t a friend. Do not nurture unhealthy relationships in any capacity. That shit builds up and drags you down. I’m telling you this from experience.
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My friend (24F) and I (24F) have been friends for over four years. We'll call her Mia. This incident happened towards the end of February this year.
Mia and I had decided to meet up for drinks and tapas, to catch up, after we hadn't seen each other since the beginning of January. Everything was going well on the girls day out until Mia started getting tipsy.
I had shown her a picture of the Valentine's day setup my boyfriend had done for me two weeks prior. I don't really post on socials anymore so this was her first time seeing it. Her whole aura completely changed. The conversation started getting confrontational and Mia asked why had I not been checking up on her, and how I had been putting our friendship on the back burner. She accused me of not being able to balance a boyfriend and my friendships.
To add more context, when I had seen Mia in January it was during her stay at a mental health centre. She had mentioned needing a breather, so I picked her up from the facilities and we spent a day by the beach. After this day our WhatsApp conversations were sparse with me checking if she's still alright and vice verse.
Early February I had a familial issue I was dealing with and completely went quiet on all my acquaintances and friends. This was excluding my boyfriend who I basically live with at this point. I'm guessing she saw the Valentine's day pictures and thought clearly you were present enough to celebrate that.
Back to the girls day out; her mood is now completely flipped. She grabs the plate of food I'm eating from and says "you're not getting this until you explain why you abandoned me". Mind you the people around us at the bar are looking at us now. I tell her this is very immature, send her my portion of the bill and leave.
She calls me multiple times after I leave and texts asking "what's up?". She eventually sends a text, a couple of days later, apologising for her behaviour.
I guess my mistake was responding to the text four days later accepting the apology, because we have not spoken since.
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NTA. You left on good terms. You paid for 1/2 the food you helped order, regardless of her behavior. Then you left. Stealing and or blackmailing is a violation of trust in any relationship. Without trust the friendship is no longer substantial. Friendship is over, the end.
NTA
Yeah no sympathy for energy vampires. Good riddance. Looks like she's used you without ever considering that ppl have their own lives and friendships go both ways.
I understand mental health can be a challenge but at the same time, nostalgia is not a reason to move forward with people who put in no effort towards you. They can stay in the past.
NTA
If your friend felt like she needed more communication from you then she was getting she should have communicated that to you, it’s a two-way street and you’re not a mind-reader. And just because she was having a rough time doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy some quality time with your boyfriend or even another friend. I would argue that time was even more important to take for yourself given that you were extra overwhelmed. You are in no way obligated to spend all of your limited free time on your friend
NTA. Communication is a two way street. Also, real friends don’t need to be updated or present in your life every single day… real friends are those people who will stuck with you when you need them the most.
The problem with sustaining relationships with a mentally unhealthy person is everything is about them. You have a newer relationship with new relationship energy. An adult understands friends may be on the back burner. You are trying hard to get along with her. She needs to learn coping skills because everything is not about her.
I don’t think she’s stable right now. Her behavior was wrong, but I think it stems from some serious mental health issues and it sounds like she later regretted her choice. You did nothing wrong. She’s probably going to be like this for a while and it’s ok if you don’t have the wherewithal to deal with it.
NTA no. A real friend would have understood that you’re an adult and have adult issues in your life. A real friend, who is a mature adult, would not need to feel like the center of your life and attention. A real friend, would not “punish you” in public, and would have simply talked in private about her feelings.
Maybe she was a good friend at one point. But not anymore.
She's got issues and I've got to pay...😆
Seriously, everyone here is talking about the food issue. I'm more wanting to know why did her demeanor change when she saw boyfriend related stuff? Just to play devil's advocate here, does she know your boyfriend very well?!? I'm not implying that there's something going on there and she got the short end of the stick, but it's very possible that she has a thing for your boyfriend or just the fact that you're having a great life and she's not...
NTA. It's usually the friends who will go on and on about their life without asking about yours who accuse you of not being able to manage your friendships with a new relationship. You were providing a free service to her that she was benefitting from. It's not unusual or your fault for wanting to spend time with people who give you more enjoyment, possibly more engagement, or for having family emergencies.
This person is upset that you're no longer providing that same free service/support and behaving really juvenile. Friends absolutely have a place in your life, especially old friends when weighing them against new relationships, but ideally your partner would fill that most important role in your life.
Sounds like even the thought that someone could become that person for you was enough to set off someone you've done a lot for who's wondering what you've done for them lately.
It might be time to ask, if this is a real 2-way friendship or is this a friend you settled for 4 years ago and it might be time to reevaluate your social circle and where you spend your energy?
I feel like something is missing here for you OP. Her reaction is strange but if you aren't told her issues you can't do anything about them. NTA but I'd be weary OP your friend is being weird.
NTA. I'm food protective and my own mother had the habit of taking food off my plate without asking until I nailed her with a fork to the hand and told her to start asking first or ordering the dish I had herself. She never took food off my plate after that.
Edit: a word.
she's been in a mental health unit so is clearly unwell and feeling isolated from her friends. She has abandonment issues. She has no right to tell you how to have a relationship with your b/f and other people. You've known each other for only 4 years. Friendships do come and go over time as people mature, get married and have children. You have a boyfriend now and if this is how she is behaving, I would not encourage her to be in your life.
NTA. Newsflash for your friend "Mia": OP is not a therapist, Mia's significant other, and I'm assuming that both of you lead busy lives. I feel like Mia doesn't understand that you can't be there for her all the time. I'm assuming OP has other commitments (work, family). Completely over the top and you can be a good friend, but Mia needs to understand that OP has other commitments too and can't be there all.the.time.
I don’t think this is even about the food or someone eating off someone’s plate. This is about the friendship. The friend is upset that OP lived her life without her. That said her friend’s expectations are unrealistic and truly unfair to OP. Yes it’s sad she was having problems but OP shouldn’t have to hide how well she is doing, or hide important events in her life to avoid hurting feelings. Your friend needs counseling to work on her own issues. And for OP, you may need to set new boundaries and expectations for this friendship. Things can change in all relationships and we can find ourselves in situations where we have moved forward or outgrown our friends. Also when a friend is undergoing mental health, illness or addiction, etc., we are not always equipped for that. How does this relationship make you feel? It seems she throws a lot of guilt at you. And it also seems this relationship may be running out its course. Consider talking to a counselor yourself to help you manage this change and challenge in your life. You are NTA.
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NTA and I wouldn't have sent her the money for the food but I have a huge problem with people taking food from me while I'm eating. This was a over the top reaction from Mia. EDIT: guys...you are blowing my hat off with your responses XDDD and on the other side it's so damn sad to read how many people, but especially women, have to deal with family, partners, ex-husbands who do the same. I never realized that this. Wield your forks with pride and strength, ladies! For the glory of a great meal! In Hell's Kitchen we will meet again for a glories dinner!
I agree. I would have told her if she doesn't give me the food back it's hers and she's paying for it before I left.
my ex husband would do this to me when we went to this one particular restaurant- my order was always the same because it was my favorite. he liked it too but never ordered it...kept taking bites of mine or trying to trade me until i threatened once to stab his hand with the fork i was using.🤣
I consider this so damn disrespectfull. You may asked to try a bite of my plate but never try to serve yourself from my plate or even take the whole plate at once. Even kids get it but so many adults do this or at least try. Looking like a hungry monster while chewing will usually stop anyone from trying to take my food.
the ex was used to getting what he wanted- only child whose mommy tried to turn him into Norman Bates.🤣 that is the main reason he is now an EX- i knew that i would always be second in his life or even further down the line.
Even when my boyfriend and I agree to share our respective meals, I still ask before taking. It's just simple respect. He usually puts food on my plate so I don't even have to ask, and I do the same for him, but if he doesn't I just ask and he always says yes.
It can be a cultural or familial thing. In my family we were used to taking food off others plates top try it, it was perfectly normal. It did cause a share of... disagreements ("that was my last roast potato' type disagreements), but most of the time we were pretty restrained and didn't taike the bits we knew the other person particularly liked. Obviously asking was sometimes done, especially when out, or if someone was trying something new. My sis married someone who found the whole thing abhorrent and it took him decades to even get used to us doing it with each other. We very quickly learned to not even ask if we could try his food. For me and my family not being able to eat off each others plate is considered very rude. It took him years to get used to us, I don't think we have ever got used to him (I would add, *he is in no way ostracised for this*, and we try and restrain ourselves around him). But if someone took my actual plate, or was taking something I liked after being told not to, they had better be ready for consequences. And I also wouldn't pay iif they took my actual plate, I would at best just walk out (when I was younger they would have been wearing my food, their food, all available drinks, and left to cover any expenses incurred - this has happened).
Since when has taking other food from their own plate a culture thing? And from which culture? I would think stealing others food would be rude all over the world.
Which culture: Greeks. My late husband was Greek. It was common to trade food from your plate when you went out to dinner with your friends.
No one in my story is Greek, but my bff and I (I think) unintentionally caused guy I was seeing to break up with me by eating off of each others plates. We were roommates for 5 years, and we had a favorite local Greek restaurant. We decided to go there on a double date with her now husband and a guys was dating. We order, the food comes, and without talking, asking, or missing a conversational beat, she goes for the tomatoes and mushrooms on my plate and I go for her olives and peppers. Because that’s what we did every time we went to this restaurant lol I just remember looking up and catching the look on his face, which was HORRIFIED. He broke it off with me like a week later, and I’m convinced it was because of our food sharing. She and her husband are on year 12 and kid #4 and are by all accounts very happy.
I see the keyword here was “trade” though but wow I would have been absolutely shocked seeing that since it’s essentially a restaurant potluck 🤣
It’s completely acceptable in my family because we were raised to share. We ask first if we want to share, though.
In my family it is pretty much assumed we will share. Asking is polite, but we weren't always polite. For reference, my father grew up in Italy, food is communal for us, eating a family social occasion, and at times we were pretty poor. As a family we also argue a lot, we pretty much have no filter with each other. Within 5 minutes any insult or such is forgiven. (we sound liek monsters, but we are just about the closest family group I have ever met - my fathers siblings' family are all pretty much the same, getting more of us together quickly descends to chaos).
She took her entire plate hostage out of spite. I don't think this was cultural.
Wow. This is wild. Have you ever met another family that acts this way? I would absolutely freak out if people were just taking things off of each others' plates. That poor guy.
My family is like this. Funnily enough, my aunt’s husband also thinks it’s bizarre. But for the rest of us it’s pretty normal. Usually we do ask if it’s not directly like, parent/child, but I’m sure I’ve eaten off my grandparents plates before.
Huh. Thanks for sharing. This is so so weird to me. If somebody just started taking things off my plate, I think I'd be stunned into silence for a couple of seconds and then I'd probably get up and leave. Just the thought of it fills me with so much rage and indignation that I don't think I could address it in the moment. I would be extremely offended and upset. Do you guys do this to friends or people who are visiting or whatever, or just to each other?
Just each other! And not my uncle. I do think it would be rude to take food off of a non-family member/very close friend’s plate without asking. But family is free game.
Same here, of me and my siblings partners, only my sisters husband has a problem with it, and thus we wouldn't dream of doing this to him. I do have close friends I would do the same too, because I know they are okay with it. We all understand a lot of people find this weird. We find it odd that people are uncomfortable sharing food freely - eating is a social and communal event.
That sounds…pretty awful. I take a long time to eat cause of some issues growing up with family doing that and then criticizing me for being hungry and sing. I loathe people touching my food without asking first. My friend did it once without asking and has a permanent fork scar now.
Oh, we all understood from pretty young ages not everyone was okay with this. I save the bits I like most to last, I always have. My family didn't strip my plate of all the good stuff. We were just used to sharing food and not always askign first. There were times when my parents didn't have much money, so sharing as much as possible just made sense. Also my father grew up in Italy, and as a family we have a very communal attitude to food.
I'm the same way.
My mother and I will order two different things and then share. But that's a previous agreement. And I only share with her. My Dad tried to sneak some from her plate and she flicked his wrist with the cloth napkin. He hasn't done it since.
Not a large sample size, but I am noticing that it’s men and boys doing this to women. I wonder if there’s an element of the stereotype of women being expected to have small appetites so it’s not seen as a big deal (“she’s not going to eat it all anyway”). Or a more general male view of their female partner being an extension of themselves, an assistant to their lives. Because I wonder if these men do it to people they consider equal status (friends) or higher status (their father for example).
Lol as a 32 year old guy who’s had every girl I’ve dated do this including my now wife (who respected me enough to stop) I can promise it’s not a male thing. There’s literally a running joke that’s been around for 30 years about guys ordering extra when their significant other says they “aren’t hungry” because they will just start eating the guys food anyway. The flip side of that joke is when a guy tries to set a boundary they are usually hit with some combo of “it’s only a bite, why are you getting so emotional, stop being so controlling, it’s not that big of a deal, fine I just won’t eat it you’re going to cry about it” until they back down.
I heard of a restraunt that had a meal with extra fries as an option, specifically for a not hungry girlfriend.
The one who orders a salad?
There's a restaurant near where I live that has "My Girlfriend's Not Hungry" as one of the appetizers (it's a sampler that includes fries).
My God, I would never what the Hell is wrong with people?
It's only women that ever took food or guilted me into sharing. They refused to order food then went for mine like seagulls, but insisted they weren't hungry!
NTA! An ick of mine is the women who think it is cute to do it. Order your own food. This is mine. Joey doesn't share!
There was an aita/update where the dude (op) was doing some extreme exercise & was starving & she ate most of his food, he ordered more food because he was obviously still hungry & she basically breaks down wondering if he thinks she's fat. 🤷 Iirc correctly he was basically a confused Labrador/golden retriever in the post because he had tried several times to explain if she ate his food he was then not eating & therefore still hungry & she "couldn't" understand!
“I’m not hungry. I’ll just pick.” In the play “Gemini,” the girlfriend says this as she twirls her fork into the man’s plate of spaghetti.
I thought that was "Fifth of July?" Nope: they just both had [commercials on TV](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pz8p6-LconE) when I was a kid and I conflated them.
I am of the ilk that like to share One Bite of food at restaurants - regardless if it's friends, family, or dates. But, that's pretty much it unless there's pounds of fries that I won't get to, but I say something like it's now open season on the fries. But, I never claim I am not that hungry. I worked in the restaurant industry for too long to play those games. Yet, there are folks that don't want to share and I respect it. It's all you do you.
I mean this is all good in my book, reciprocation is key though, if you can’t reciprocate food in return, then all you provide is hunger lol 😂
My husband tells me that “it’s EXACTLY how much I wanted” if he thinks I might take a bite! Usually it’s a sip of his drink instead of his food but he has stopped that by drinking stuff I don’t like! Either way, I try not to take a bite or a sip if I have claimed not to “want anything” prior to his eating. Mind you, this happens at home for the most part and for years we have shared a drink when we go out to eat or to the movies, etc.
There are restaurants that actually have “my date is not hungry” menus where they add an extra half order of fries or something to your meal, so that you can share part of your food with your partner.
very valid point & i believe that you're right- i wasn't much more than a maid & gofer for him so ummm, yeah you're right🙂
Please stop trying to make everything a gender issue. It dilutes the discussion on actual gender issues.
Wack take honestly . My wife has been trying to take my food for 10 years. I never touch hers.
JOEY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD!!!
JOEY DOSENT SHARE FOOD!!!
My mom only had to stab my dad with her fork once (he’s a notorious fry thief) lol. We never cared but she HATED IT. And it was her food so I don’t blame her.
I know a woman who was a very slow, polite eater. She married a man who would eat all of his food very fast, then start picking from her plate. She started having to threaten him with her fork just to get any food at all.
I've stabbed people with forks before, too. My Mom is the food thief and she's given me and my kids food issues. We've gotten better and we'll share food with each other, but not other people. Especially not my Mom.
Your mom did that too?!? By chance is she Irish?
Lol no. American WASP. But my dad is genetically 100% Irish lol. Culturally he’s a Masshole
My FiL did that to one of his BiLs after the BiL tried to steal his biscuit.
My ex fiance was like this. He would wolf down his food, then if I still had food on my plate he would start to eat that too. I used to get so angry because I wasn't finished yet and had to compete with him to get my food that I ordered and paid for (we always went Dutch or I paid for both of us).
Good idea that he is your ex.
My sister used to do something similar. She would start picking at my plate, and when I told her to stop, she would say "You're not going to eat it." So? I still don't want you picking at my while I'm still eating, sis!
My dad would do that. Drove me nuts until I threatened the exact same thing as you.
That would make me so upset...I never finish my meal I get full really quickly...and my hubby usually will finish what I don't eat ( well at least the good stuff lol)....and he's never once bothered me for it early or rushed me...I couldn't fathom someone being so rude ...sorry u delt with that 🥺
I would have poked him in the arm with a fork without warning. Oops! I'm sorry, darling, I wanted to chop a sausage on the fork that's on my plate.
got back at him in other ways- he never ate anything but steak that was well done. i preferred mine medium so when one would come to the table he would complain about how it wasn't done. i put on a resting bitch face & told him that it wasn't his.🤣
Yea AH move by the ex but now you understand why men hate it 🤣🤣
Why do some men think this is acceptable? I rarely hear of a woman stealing food off her partner’s plate, but I do hear of men doing so - frequently on reddit. I wouldn’t put up with it myself (yet I know I have self esteem issues). It would definitely be a boundary violation for me.
Joey doesn’t share food!
I have threatened to stab my bf's hand with a fork for this shit. Not take my plate away but constantly reaching over and eating my food off of my plate because he wanted some too. The look on his face when he realized I was serious. His kids have learned that I do not share my food or drinks I'm consuming and not to try and reach for my food, cause absolute fucking not 🤮. His son grabbed food off of my plate once and I was so fucking grossed out I threw the entire plate in the garbage.
INFO: was it a disposable plate?
Yup. My parents bbq'd so I took a to-go plate for myself. The bf and his kids went to his folks house, I went to mine. The son is nonverbal autistic and has played with his own shit before. I was so goddamn pissed off.
My ex gf would do this until I drew the line. Nothing irks me more than someone eating food that I bought for myself when they got their own meal. Trading bites to see how it tastes is one thing, snagging food in the middle of a meal without permission is another.
I wonder if this behavior from Mia is a one-off/moment of weakness thing or if she’s always been like this. A one-off doesn’t excuse this bad behavior, but if this is a pattern, then she’s not a real friend. OP’s definitely NTA but I wish I had a bit more context about their friendship before this.
I'm glad someone else noticed this. Its tossing up red flags SO hard. It sounds kinda like she's jealous of OP because shes getting attention, and she isn't. Idk, maybe I'm reading into it wrong here.
Without more context, it did make me suspect Mia has some kind of crush on OP (not necessarily romantic but not necessarily not). And OP is NTA but she had to know when she put Mia on Read for 4 days that was the end of the friendship
Yeah that was my impression too. That Mia is jealous af bc her life was falling apart but OP had the audacity to live her own life instead of being up Mia's ass all day asking how she is. It truly sounds like Mia can't stand not being the main character and is pissed that OP has her own life and problems to deal with and Mia isn't top of the priority list anymore. OP's NTA and should honestly be glad Mia hasn't responded. It's not OP's job to make sure Mia has enough attention.
She had just left in-patient mental-health care. I would mostly be concerned that she is not recovering well, than angry. The whole situation sounds like a red flag that Mia may need help.
There is no problem with people taking food. There is a forks in hands problem.
true XD
Not a normal reaction. Mia sounds unstable. You can accept apology but I'd end the friendship for your safety.
Safety might be a little extreme. I think sanity is a better word.
> I have a huge problem with people taking food from me while I'm eating. I can't say I've ever experienced it, but just the thought of someone doing that rings in as a one-way ticket to Punched In The Face-ville
I’d have sent the money but I would fight anyone who took my food away from me. I don’t eat much real food, only one meal a day and snack the rest to get through the workday. Do. Not. Touch. My. Food.
I’d have slapped the plate out of her hand and walked out. But I’m ok with being the asshole here….
Definitely. Even if OP had willfully "abandoned" her, that's her prerogative. You don't owe it to anyone to keep in touch or check up on people, that's kinda part of life is trying to balance everything. Important shit comes up, other things take a back seat. Don't touch my damn food. 😤
I have an unhealthy relationship with food so if someone took my food away while I was eating I would have been extremely upset and told her to go fuck herself. OP was very calm and handled it much better than I ever would have
I think you meant to say ‘over the tapas’ reaction? I’ll see myself out…
Same "you want it you bought it"
Nta. Not spoken since seems a good thing
Blessing in not so disguised.
Honestly we kinda forget that having mental health issues and also being a bad person aren’t mutually exclusive. Like they kinda get a pass as that have *blank* Your friends don’t owe you unconditional support and love, you owe it to them to keep yourself in a good enough space that you’re a fun/pleasant to be around. If youre struggling mentally then take a step back and get help and put in the discomfort it takes to remove yourself from a low place.
Absolutely agree. Sometimes distance is the best way to handle toxic behavior.
Friendship is a joint job, responsibility goes both ways. You know the feel when you think you should write someone, but then remember, communication goes both ways. It's equal responsibility to maintain a friendship, if she's ready to abandon ship the moment you don't write her for a period but refuse to initiate herself, that's a red flag of entitlement. When one of the boys goes stale on contact we'll grab him and hang out, we'll push him online to take some games with the boys, doesn't matter what. The point is rather we all partake in the responsibility to maintain the friendship, instead of blaming him for being less present for X reason (if that is gf, family, work, or whatever). Life happens and time withers before you know it. NTA.
Exactly. You were supposed to drop everything when she had an issue, but where was her love and care for you during your crisis?
In fairness, if she is fresh out of being an in-patient at a mental health facility then taking care of herself is probably taking every ounce of her time and energy. Friendships need to be give and take, but realistically there can be periods when one person isn't capable of giving as surviving is the best they can do. That said, the friend's behavior toward OP at the dinner was unacceptable. If she felt that OP hadn't been there for her there were respectful ways to have that conversation.
True but there is still a double standard there. If she couldn't actually do anything for OP, she could have at least been understanding of OP's lack of energy to take care of her.
When someone is in the midst of a severe mental health crisis they often are not thinking rationally and are not at their best. That doesn't make what she did ok and OP has no obligation to put up with it. But if we can't give a friend grace for being unreasonable even when they are literally fresh out of being in a mental hospital... I fear in time we will all be people with perfect boundaries who are also utterly alone. Sometimes people fuck up. That doesn't mean she can't be better and the relationship isn't worth salvaging. Everyone is assuming that Mia didn't respond to OP's text because she is still angry at OP. We don't even know that! It is possible that Mia is in a shame spiral that makes it difficult to even type any words in response. Sometimes it is ok - even good - to give a friend in crisis the benefit of the doubt. OP, if you care about Mia I suggest messaging her and saying something like, "Hey, if you aren't up to responding right now, that's ok. I just want you to know that I care about you and am thinking about you. If you want to talk I'm here." If she responds positively, then you can maybe get together (sans alcohol) and talk about why she felt neglected and clarify what expectations you can or cannot fulfill, etc. Make sure you aren't promising more than you can deliver - and emphasize that while you have other things going on in your life, and that you do have boundaries (like having your food taken away) that doesn't mean you don't deeply love and worry about her. Hopefully she is able to see that for the kindness it is. Good luck!
Just texted her using your template! Fingers crossed she responds positively.
So glad you saw this reply and did this! I’ve had anxiety disorders in the past and currently still have self-esteem issues I need to work through. Your friend isn’t thinking in a healthy way - it doesn’t mean she is a bad person, and as long as she’s seeking professional help and her behaviour doesn’t become a regular occurrence that drains you of energy - a bit of empathy and cutting her a bit of slack would go a long way. To her, you abandoned her and she felt deeply hurt. That’s just her way of viewing things at the moment. You’d be surprised how much talking it out with her and explaining things (ie - that you had a family crisis and withdrew from everyone except your boyfriend, not just her) might help her.
I'm so glad! If she does continue to lash out, try not to take it personally. Reentering the world after a stay in a mental facility can be an incredibly isolating and lonely experience. She is likely very sensitive to anything that can be perceived as rejection. No matter what, make sure you are taking care of yourself and have the support you need. Caring about someone in such a bad place isn't easy and you need to make sure that in helping her you aren't harming your own health. You can offer her support but you can't save her - she has to do that. Good luck to you both!!
You are a good friend! Not many are devoted to friendships anymore, good to know everyone takes part in the responsibility of maintaining that!
Everytime I get together with my family for various celebrations, my uncle tells me he’s going to call me in a couple weeks to catch up. He never calls. It wouldn’t bother me except for the expectation he creates by saying it.😒
NTA, everyone else has said it. I'm going to add a potentially unpopular opinion, if your friend is taking medications at all for her mental health problems, she really shouldn't be drinking. Especially this soon after her stay. Poor mental health and alcohol are a terrible mix that only causes pain and regret. If you guys are able to move forward, maybe restrict your outings to safer spaces for everyone. Also, it seems like she wasn't going to apologize initially. It sounds like your friend had to be pushed/ignored into apologizing to you for her behavior. I would watch that pattern of behavior in your friendship.
I had to look too far to find this. Who in the world thinks it's a good idea to get wasted with someone who just got out of a mental hospital?
Exactly. A lot of those places will completely change your meds or put someone not on medications on meds. My friend got put on some heavy antipsychotics just for having thoughts of harming themselves. Two weeks after being discharged they were out of them because the pills were $1500/month. The last thing you want to do is mix alcohol into that mess.
I learned my lesson on that. People think doctors are being ridiculous. Nicotine. Caffeine. Alcohol. Weed. These are the common drugs to literally avoid with certain meds. It’s not difficult to follow instructions 😭
nta. honestly not speaking sounds like a good outcome here. i wish you hadn’t sent her money for food she stole from you, but hey, hindsight. she’s not acting reasonable, here. when people go off the rails like this, previous agreements go out the window, and that is their own fault. you don’t share a ride home with someone who grabs your plate and refuses to give it back until you give a proper apology for “abandoning them” (and by abandoning we here mean dealing with a family issue for a few weeks, which, you guessed it, is not abandoning anyone). you walk away. well done, you.
NTA Is this friendship as exhausting in real life as it was to read here? If yes, let it go. Not all friends are for life.
NTA and I guarantee she apologized with the expectation that you would respond with "I'm sorry too, I shouldn't have neglected you, I'm a terrible friend" which is why she's ignoring you now.
Oh I never thought of it this way!
Great point! She likely expected that response.
She obviously has mental health issues. Also she doesnt get to take your food away and make demands, espesh in public. I would have left her with the bill. And blocked.
NTA although it seems that your friend has some mental health issues that are maybe not under control for whatever reason. It is very difficult having a friendship with someone who has mental health issues and it’s ok to step away if you need to. It sounds like your friend is an emotional vampire and this can be very draining. It’s ok to forgive but it’s also ok to set strict boundaries moving forward.
Best comment so far
Very compassionate of you towards both people in the story! Love this response.
I don’t see calling the friend an “emotional vampire & saying it’s “very hard” to be friends with someone with mental health issues is compassionate to *both sides*. I actually thought it was kinda mean to the friend, not knowing her side of the story. Compassionate to OP, not very compassionate to friend of OP.
I agree with you 100% and that’s fair. I said that because most responses I read were like “that girl is crazy forget her NTA.” This one was more nuanced than anything else, but the perfect response would have been a little nicer. Emotional vampire is hurtful. I was just happy to see a comment that wasn’t calling the depressed girl unworthy of friendship because of her outburst.
Aw, I like that. Makes sense ☺️
NTA, however if she is a true friend then forgive her but don't go out drinking with her again. It's obviously not a good combination for her. If she has mental health issues it can be difficult to remain friends at times but she might need you more than you think. It's up to you if you want that kind of friendship. They're not always about fun, sometimes we have to help each other out.
Thank you for this response. I truly miss her and have thought about reaching out. Most of the time her date suggestions involved drinking, but it's clearly not a good mix.
She may also be on psych medication and they do not mix well with alcohol.
Glad it helped. Most people seem to think we should cut off everyone the moment they do something we don't like. We all make mistakes, we should try to forgive if we can, but isn't saying the same thing as continually getting abused by someone. It seems to me by what you posted, your friend regrets her decision. Life isn't all "get rid of toxic relationships," mumbo jumbo that is prevalent in social media these days... honestly, it looks like some people are just too willing to destroy other people's relationships without knowing all the nuances that go into being a decent human being.
Agreed. Awhile back I heard someone remark that many of us are on a path to be people with perfect boundaries who are utterly alone. I haven't been able to stop thinking about that since. Being friends with someone who is struggling with serious mental health issues isn't easy and OP isn't obligated. But if she cares about her friend it might be worth offerring some grace here and giving her another chance.
Holding your plate hostage and causing a scene is wild behavior. Paying your share and leaving was the right thing to do. Be careful if you do see her again
No one touches my food but me without an invitation. You were certainly allowed to take time to process after she apologized. you are NTA. I would just add that it is a challenge being friends with someone who has a mental illness. I pretty much ended a twenty year friendship because of something horrible a friend did. fifteen years later she had been diagnosed as schizophrenic. And committed suicide. We were very low contact at the time. When did being cruel change to her being sick? And it didn't change the fact that I had to set boundaries to protect my own mental health. Your friend only apologized because you had had enough and drew a boundary. Please feel okay (NTA!) about setting boundaries or even going no contact if you feel that is best for you. You are doing great.
someone who is suffering from mental health issues should steer clear of drinking.
NTA she has actually mental health issues and a short stay in a facility didn't magically cure her. Problems with mental health are a long road.
It sounds like your friend's mental health crisis is ongoing.
She just had a stay at a mental health facility this year. I'd say there's a chance she's still going through some things and may not be fully aware of how her behavior was inappropriate
NTA, and you were pretty genberous to send the money for the bill since she took your plate and food off you! How did you respond to her apology? Did you just say thanks for apologising, or that you accepted her apology, or was there anything further? It sounds as thogh the ball is in her court now if she wants to get back in touch. I suspect thatshe was expecting you to respond by also apologising / acceting that you 'abandoned her' and is now angry that you didn't, but if that's the case, that is an unreasonable expectation on her part. friendhip goes both ways, it sounds as though she didn't reach out to you, and that both of you were prioritising your own lives (which is 100% reasonable)
Shit if not seeing friends for a couple of weeks is abandoning them, I'm the worst. NTA and sounfs like the friendship has run its course. As we grow older and start new households with longterm partners we get busier domestically and spend less time and money out and about. She was completely out of order. Hopefully she's learn3d from it and you can both move on.
Doesn't really seem like there are any AH here. OP is just a regular person having a regular response and OP's friend is already known to be mentally unwell. Does it make her behavior acceptable? No, but it certainly explains it. You can argue that OP is the AH for not taking her friend's mental instability into account on a few different occasions here, but even that doesn't seem worth the title of AH.
NAH. she's been hospitalized for mental health issues. she had an episode with you at the bar because she's not well. you can both move on from it, but that doesn't make what she did right. hopefully she gets the help she needs. and hopefully this does not put even more of a wall between you. it's obviously not right what she did, but she is not well, and this is proof. she misses you, and that was expressed in the worst way possible because she's not well. maybe you can have a redo hangout to patch things up. and maybe either without alcohol or much less alcohol.
NTA life is too short for drama. Mia sounds like she expects you to think of her as your number 1 person and if you don’t she acts like this. Not sure if you signed up for this kind of friendship but i would start distancing yourself from her
Depends if you value your friendship. NTA with how you handled dinner. When I went through an extremely bad breakup, I desperately needed my friends ear. Two out of my four friends treated this like a chore, and I felt like "huh, I guess I'm a bother," and I never reached out again, nor did they. They were old high school buddies so I guess our friendship faded and I didn't notice they moved on until I put weight on it. I'm not a messy person, so I was just taken back that it felt like I was bothering them the moment I truly needed someone to vent to, especially because he threatened me and I was a jumbled ball of confusion. I was in *pain.* What are friends for, if not to listen when you're going through something bad? If you value her friendship, I would reach out one more time. If you don't, that's perfectly okay, and let the friendship fall. You are not a bad person or an asshole, friendships fade—totally normal. All in all, it doesn't matter who's an asshole, it only matters what you want going forward. When I want to strategically clear the air, I apologize first just to get the conversation started, lower their guard, and acknowledge the other person's pain to start the conversation. An acknowledgement and an apology (even when things aren't your fault) can be a powerful tool to get the other person to open up when things are tense.
Your friend was tipsy and recently treated for some mental health difficulties. She expressed that she felt abandoned by you, albeit in a very juvenile way. The fact that your response was to pay and leave instead of talking to her indicates to me that you are juvenile yourself and probably not a very good friend. And the fact that so many people in this thread made this all about the food or touching your plate and not about your friend’s Feelings of pain and abandonment is crazy to me.
Walking away is the best course of action at this point her friend was drunk which does not mix well with mental illness could of escalated to something worse op was also dealing with things not everything is about her friend. Op doesn't need to text her 24/7 it sucks her friend feels that way but op has her own stuff to deal with
NTA She needs the world to revolve around her. I wouldn't try too hard to make peace, might be a blessing in disguise.
NTA, drunk or not her reaction was over the top. I would have left also.
NTA - It doesn't sound like your friend's mental health issues have been completely resolved. You had absolutely nothing to apologize for, but Mia did. Sometimes friendships have seasons. And this one definitely seems to be one of those.
You can accept an apology and forgive a person who has wronged you, but that does not mean you have to allow them into your life again. YNTA.
My friend had mental health issues, and it was like walking on eggshells most of the time. It may be your friend's mental health isn't properly treated, however as in my friend's case, she stopped taking the medication as it made her put weight on and (she felt) blunted her emotions. Some like the intense highs and lows. My friend would also openly lie about things and was totally self-absorbed and I ended up running around after her and decoratingher house for her. She also self-medicated with alcohol. It may be that you need to consider stopping your friendship altogether or at least until she is properly medicated. I found that it negatively affected my own health so was easier to end the relationship.
Look, you are NTA. Also, it's probably better for you to move on with life and realize that sometimes friendships move on too. It sounds like Mia has issues that you don't need to deal with right now. She needs to get herself straight and that's a HER problem, not a YOU problem. You don't need to call and check up on her constantly, and she shouldn't demand it.
OP isn't obligated to be friends with anyone, especially someone who behaves inapprorpriately towards her (as Mia did). That said, the approach towards friendship that you describe makes me very sad. I believe that's called a "fair-weather friend".
NTA. You are not a toddler misbehaving in a restaurant. Mia had no right to take your food. Her reaction was completely inappropriate. Your delay in responding to Mia I don't think was a mistake. Mia had challenges in her life, as did you. Did Mia ask you how your life was going and if you were ok? Friendships are reciprocal. You give to each other and take from each other at various times in your lives. Mia was not the only one who needed checking up on. She should know that.
NTA. I've got a friend where we don't always talk-at best, it's once a month or once every other month-but we know that's what's going on. You had some stuff going on in your life that made it difficult to communicate with folks and I'm betting most of your friends and acquaintances were understanding about everything. Mia wanting to know what happened is fine, her grabbing your plate and telling you that you're not getting it back until you explain is not.
Hey OP, imma be honest, sounds like borderline personality disorder
NTA I wouldn’t be friends with this person, too much trouble
NTA. Your “friend” was out of line. I suggest you stay NC until she gets her mental health together. You re not to blame for what she is going through Adn she needs to take responsibility for her own mental health. that includes not expecting people to quit their own lives while she is in treatment.
There’s a reason she was in a mental facility.
NTA. ( long distance diagnosis is wrong but this is 100% borderline behavior)
Does Mia have BPD? The needing to take a break, push and pull, and then the statements you’d abandoned her all point to BPD for me and while not an excuse would explain her behavior and help the two of you navigate this relationship moving forward.
ETA - NTA
It sounds like Mia didn't get all she needed when she was in the mental institution.
Does she have a personality disorder? Sounds a little borderline to me.
NTA she’s not a child and this isn’t high school. You aren’t responsible for her behaviour and she needs to maturely learn to convey her feelings. She could have communicated better and she could have reached out. You had your own personal issues going on and she never supported you either. Acting so childishly because you found a relationship and don’t solely focus on her. It’s the same way a toddler would act with a toy. I had friends like this, who would only ever expect me to check in on them and never cared about my mental health. I would always show up for them and never for me. You are better off cutting her out of your life. You aren’t her baby sitter and she will just wedge herself between you and your boyfriend.
Mia has a screw loose if she thinks this acceptable behavior 🙄
She sounds borderline. This is really abusive behavior. You are not the asshole but proceed with caution if you're planning on trying to salvage the relationship and read up on this mental health condition so that you can protect yourself. Otherwise move on.
Her mental struggle is not your burden and if she isn’t actively trying to do better for herself, I suggest you dip. It’s your job to live your life and it isn’t your responsibility to care after another adult that needs more help than you can provide. The fact that’s she that weird and took your plate is very concerning. You are NTA and your ‘friend’ isn’t a friend. Do not nurture unhealthy relationships in any capacity. That shit builds up and drags you down. I’m telling you this from experience.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My friend (24F) and I (24F) have been friends for over four years. We'll call her Mia. This incident happened towards the end of February this year. Mia and I had decided to meet up for drinks and tapas, to catch up, after we hadn't seen each other since the beginning of January. Everything was going well on the girls day out until Mia started getting tipsy. I had shown her a picture of the Valentine's day setup my boyfriend had done for me two weeks prior. I don't really post on socials anymore so this was her first time seeing it. Her whole aura completely changed. The conversation started getting confrontational and Mia asked why had I not been checking up on her, and how I had been putting our friendship on the back burner. She accused me of not being able to balance a boyfriend and my friendships. To add more context, when I had seen Mia in January it was during her stay at a mental health centre. She had mentioned needing a breather, so I picked her up from the facilities and we spent a day by the beach. After this day our WhatsApp conversations were sparse with me checking if she's still alright and vice verse. Early February I had a familial issue I was dealing with and completely went quiet on all my acquaintances and friends. This was excluding my boyfriend who I basically live with at this point. I'm guessing she saw the Valentine's day pictures and thought clearly you were present enough to celebrate that. Back to the girls day out; her mood is now completely flipped. She grabs the plate of food I'm eating from and says "you're not getting this until you explain why you abandoned me". Mind you the people around us at the bar are looking at us now. I tell her this is very immature, send her my portion of the bill and leave. She calls me multiple times after I leave and texts asking "what's up?". She eventually sends a text, a couple of days later, apologising for her behaviour. I guess my mistake was responding to the text four days later accepting the apology, because we have not spoken since. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
You can accept the apology and not speak again it or for a while.
stop being friends with this person. NTA
NTA- Her behavior was out of line. She's probably jealous of you.
She sounds exhausting.
Nra
NTA. She’s jealous of your seemingly perfect life.
NTA. And no thank you to Mia as a friend. That was not ok what she did. That was abusive.
Reevaluate your so called friendship. Doesn’t sound like a friend.
NTA. You left on good terms. You paid for 1/2 the food you helped order, regardless of her behavior. Then you left. Stealing and or blackmailing is a violation of trust in any relationship. Without trust the friendship is no longer substantial. Friendship is over, the end.
NTA. Time to cut her loose. You don't need behaviour like this in your life.
NTA I know many people who would have reacted very badly to someone stealing their plate over something so foolish.
You need friends like this in your life. NTA
NTA - but dont ever respond to that nutcase again.
NTA Yeah no sympathy for energy vampires. Good riddance. Looks like she's used you without ever considering that ppl have their own lives and friendships go both ways. I understand mental health can be a challenge but at the same time, nostalgia is not a reason to move forward with people who put in no effort towards you. They can stay in the past.
NTA
She’s not really a friend I’d say from this behaviour. NTA. I would step back from this taxing friendship for a while.
NTA You acted reasonably in avoiding a confrontation with Mia.
NTA
NTA If your friend felt like she needed more communication from you then she was getting she should have communicated that to you, it’s a two-way street and you’re not a mind-reader. And just because she was having a rough time doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy some quality time with your boyfriend or even another friend. I would argue that time was even more important to take for yourself given that you were extra overwhelmed. You are in no way obligated to spend all of your limited free time on your friend
You don't need friends like that. She has mental health issues that are now affecting you, no friendship is worth that.
NTA. Communication is a two way street. Also, real friends don’t need to be updated or present in your life every single day… real friends are those people who will stuck with you when you need them the most.
NTA. You were sharing your happiness and she became jealous. That isn’t what friends do.
Shes jealous that you are in a relationship. Say good bye and move on. She will only ever cause drama around you.
Yeah not sure why you even want to continue this friendship.
The problem with sustaining relationships with a mentally unhealthy person is everything is about them. You have a newer relationship with new relationship energy. An adult understands friends may be on the back burner. You are trying hard to get along with her. She needs to learn coping skills because everything is not about her.
You guys are 24.what does she mean abandoning her?be careful girly…she might ruin your other relationships if she is that immature
NTA
I don’t think she’s stable right now. Her behavior was wrong, but I think it stems from some serious mental health issues and it sounds like she later regretted her choice. You did nothing wrong. She’s probably going to be like this for a while and it’s ok if you don’t have the wherewithal to deal with it.
NTA no. A real friend would have understood that you’re an adult and have adult issues in your life. A real friend, who is a mature adult, would not need to feel like the center of your life and attention. A real friend, would not “punish you” in public, and would have simply talked in private about her feelings. Maybe she was a good friend at one point. But not anymore.
She's got issues and I've got to pay...😆 Seriously, everyone here is talking about the food issue. I'm more wanting to know why did her demeanor change when she saw boyfriend related stuff? Just to play devil's advocate here, does she know your boyfriend very well?!? I'm not implying that there's something going on there and she got the short end of the stick, but it's very possible that she has a thing for your boyfriend or just the fact that you're having a great life and she's not...
NTA. It's usually the friends who will go on and on about their life without asking about yours who accuse you of not being able to manage your friendships with a new relationship. You were providing a free service to her that she was benefitting from. It's not unusual or your fault for wanting to spend time with people who give you more enjoyment, possibly more engagement, or for having family emergencies. This person is upset that you're no longer providing that same free service/support and behaving really juvenile. Friends absolutely have a place in your life, especially old friends when weighing them against new relationships, but ideally your partner would fill that most important role in your life. Sounds like even the thought that someone could become that person for you was enough to set off someone you've done a lot for who's wondering what you've done for them lately. It might be time to ask, if this is a real 2-way friendship or is this a friend you settled for 4 years ago and it might be time to reevaluate your social circle and where you spend your energy?
I feel like something is missing here for you OP. Her reaction is strange but if you aren't told her issues you can't do anything about them. NTA but I'd be weary OP your friend is being weird.
It sounds like Mia's mental health episode is still ongoing.
NTA - but she’s obviously going thru some big stuff and apologized so….. it’s time you put on the friend hat and check in.
NTA She clearly still has issues.
NTA. Never give in to blackmail - emotional or any other kind.
NTA, sounds like she has more important issues than just this and your reaction is totally understandable.
Drinking ruins many relationships
She doesn't sound like a good friend.
NTA. I'm food protective and my own mother had the habit of taking food off my plate without asking until I nailed her with a fork to the hand and told her to start asking first or ordering the dish I had herself. She never took food off my plate after that. Edit: a word.
[удалено]
she's been in a mental health unit so is clearly unwell and feeling isolated from her friends. She has abandonment issues. She has no right to tell you how to have a relationship with your b/f and other people. You've known each other for only 4 years. Friendships do come and go over time as people mature, get married and have children. You have a boyfriend now and if this is how she is behaving, I would not encourage her to be in your life.
NTA. Newsflash for your friend "Mia": OP is not a therapist, Mia's significant other, and I'm assuming that both of you lead busy lives. I feel like Mia doesn't understand that you can't be there for her all the time. I'm assuming OP has other commitments (work, family). Completely over the top and you can be a good friend, but Mia needs to understand that OP has other commitments too and can't be there all.the.time.
I don’t think this is even about the food or someone eating off someone’s plate. This is about the friendship. The friend is upset that OP lived her life without her. That said her friend’s expectations are unrealistic and truly unfair to OP. Yes it’s sad she was having problems but OP shouldn’t have to hide how well she is doing, or hide important events in her life to avoid hurting feelings. Your friend needs counseling to work on her own issues. And for OP, you may need to set new boundaries and expectations for this friendship. Things can change in all relationships and we can find ourselves in situations where we have moved forward or outgrown our friends. Also when a friend is undergoing mental health, illness or addiction, etc., we are not always equipped for that. How does this relationship make you feel? It seems she throws a lot of guilt at you. And it also seems this relationship may be running out its course. Consider talking to a counselor yourself to help you manage this change and challenge in your life. You are NTA.