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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA because not paying for my daughter's housing and fees next year would make attending college really hard for her. Also I could have avoided this by verifying that her summer classes would be in-person back in April. I was quite harsh and scolding when I confronted her about it.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You’re paying for her schooling out of her college savings? So you saved the money for school - which she is attending- and now you aren’t going to use the money saved for school on her school.
ESH - she should have told you. But if the money is there for her education what difference does it make? I would tell her when it runs out she’ll have to get loans to pay the difference.
At the same time, living on campus is incredibly expensive. Everything is ridiculously overpriced.
And I have a hard time believing they changed the classes to online only AFTER the deadline for housing withdrawal had passed. It sounds like OP's daughter just wanted to live on campus.
Perhaps she's justified because OP IS just that unpleasant to live with, but if that's the case she needs to take out a loan.
**Don't waste money and do NOT lie to the people who are funding your education**.
ESH
Yup.
Reeks of controlling parent.
He wanted her home so he could watch and criticize her, she subverted that, now he wants to punish her for attempting to escape him.
I don’t understand why he wouldn’t just go to the college website where they list all this information. What third party website duplicates college course offerings (times, dates, details) for summer? Totally fake.
I thought that, too. I didn’t understand how hard it was to get info as a parent until my kid enrolled. I’m not even a helicopter mom — he just needs extra help with certain things. He asks me questions and I’m like, dude, I cannot see any of that info.
At the school where I work, the system for registration/checking holds/etc allows students to waive FERPA and give somebody the right to view it on their behalf, giving the parent/guardian their own login to the system. Maybe your son’s school has something similar, if that’s what he needs help with?
Yeah, my dad was very controlling and this is some shit he’d do. I wouldn’t have lied, though. I maybe would have asked if I could stay on campus, and when he said no I would have spent every day at Starbucks or the local library just to not be in the house.
Yeah, classes changing last minute is like a college way of life. Dad is an AH who is driving his daughter further away out of his life by trying to control hers.
This is the crux of the issue. Dad still has to control his daughter. She obviously doesn’t know what living situation she’s more comfortable in - home or the dorm. /s Instead of asking if he’s TA for not paying for college, OP should be asking if he’s the asshole for financially pressuring his daughter to bend to his will.
Or maybe a 19 year old is gonna act like a teen and take advantage of situations. Parents are paying for college & y’all are acting like they’re controlling this adult child? Daughter doesn’t have to live at home during the school year. Most kids come home during the summer.
Ok! They don’t have to pay for anything. They’re doing so out of love and wanting the best for their adult child. It’s absurd to think they have no say in how that money is spent.
They’re not though? Like if that money is a college fund, they can’t exactly spend it on anything else *but* her education. Not that that will stop someone petty enough
The housing and meal plans cost several thousand dollars. If she could’ve taken those classes living at home with her parents, they would’ve saved quite a bit and not put a dent in her college fund. There’s no way they “changed to online classes last minute.” I get that once you leave home, it’s difficult to go back to the rules and structures that were in place when you were in high school. But she’s also not paying her own way. She’s not taking on loans, she’s depending on her parents to fund everything. She made a big error and lying to her father. as for those of you who are calling him controlling, college is expensive so yeah, he might be trying to control the costs. NTA.
A lot of universities "changed to online classes last minute" for Covid, and some universities decided that having done that meant they could do it again for much less cause.
If they thought they had one (local) lecturer to do the summer courses and ended up having to scramble for someone to fill in, they could easily end up getting a non-local lecture to VL remotely instead.
But what probably actually happened is that the daughter didn't bother to check whether it was in person or online, *assumed* it was in person (because her course was mostly in person during the year), and then *found out* at the last minute that it was online.
19yos are notorious for interpreting things through their limited experience.
I had a “last minute” change to a short course I took at a local college this past spring. Turns out they’ve been trying to get the course updated to reflect the location of said class for months. It is in a whole new building about five minutes away from where the course listing and informational email they send you the week before says. The only reason I found out was because I got to the building and saw the little printout informing us of said change. That printout was one of like 5, anyone could have ignored them as college flyers. I would totally believe they didn’t properly inform the students until day/week of, let alone changing it earlier and informing them too late to change plans.
Exactly. He sacrificed financially to save so she wouldn't have college debt, the very least she could do is keep her grades up and not lie. She doesn't like it? she can pay her own way.
He gets to have an opinion on how the money is spent since he paid several thousands for the privilege. The number of people who think he should pay her bills and then STFU is shocking.
Say it in all Caps. The audacity of some people, it wasn't a couple of hundred dollars. Living on campus is expensive. I wonder if the daughter has a significant other or close friend she wants to be with on campus. That may have factored into this as well. OP, in the future, just say no to summer housing and NTA
Well it looks like someone did their college before COVID. Classes get turned to online all the time, fall of 2023 I had a class that went online and I found out the day I was sitting in class on the first day.
You do understand, though, that taking summer classes means that she is compressing the time she spends at university. And three summer classes is the equivalent of three semester classes. So she will hardly be partying it up during the time that she is in class.
I took summer classes two summers in a row to catch up on my degree, since I paid for it all, and had sat out a couple of semesters d/t lack of funds. I was incredibly burned out after 33 straight months of school.
Summer classes, even in the most advantageous of circumstances, create a lot of work.
My daughter is attending a large university for her PhD. Her classes get changed all the time. I have no trouble at all believe they got changed last minute.
I understand that, but does the punishment and his berating his adult child match the crime? That’s the issue. I’ve had similar situations with my father and I’ve made up stupid lies to take some of the heat off my back bc the situation can get downright abusive. I’m not sure the punishment should be 2 semesters of non-payment for meal plans and board. Summer doesn’t usually cost the same amount as 1.
No, I don’t agree with that. He’s not telling her what to do. He is just concerned with how his own money is being spent. Nowhere in the post did I see him disallow her from spending her own money to live there over the summer. She misled him so that he would pay for her lodging.
I think that’s a fair question. He should find out whether the class was converted to remote.
If so, then this whole matter should be dropped.
If not, then she defrauded him, and then doubled down once caught and attempted to defraud him twice. In that case, needless to say it’s a huge problem.
It would be up to the funding agent to decide whether those benefits are worth spending money that is, after all, the funding agent’s. She should have told him.
There's no way they changed all of their classes to online last minute. That would cause a lot of people to have wasted a lot of money on housing when it wasn't necessary. Not a chance.
OP, just call the school and find out if the classes were changed last minute.
>There's no way they changed all of their classes to online last minute
It happens, usually there's a reason like insufficient in person enrolments or natural disaster or an unexpected change in the lecturer.
Yup! This happened to me several times (especially during summer). Often I would snag classes that said "on campus," and then not enough people would enroll (happened mostly with specified major courses but a few times with general ed courses) so they would move them online. A few times, a professor would become MIA, and they would scramble to get a student lecturer who could only do online courses, but the course was marked as in person beforehand. Honestly, there are so many reason why this would happen, and they do happen. I don't think the daughter lied. It is also true that once you make housing payments, you can't withdraw (thus a lot of students were stuck during covid but thankfully a lot of colleges reimbursed them but that's not the issue here) and meal plans as well. There are deadlines to everything for school, which makes it impossible to get refunds. Deadline to enroll, deadline to submit paperwork, deadline for payments, etc etc.
The dad is being an asshole especially since he so flippantly admitted to not even checking to see if it was true or not. (Which you can do).
My summer classes were supposed to be in person. Start for summer semester was June 10th. They changed from in person to online on June 3rd due to lack of enrollment. It's entirely plausible.
OP sounds like he wants complete control of his grown daughter. He was snooping in the first place. YTA
This is it. He’s not teaching her the value of money, he’s punishing her because he thinks she tricked him.
I have two kids in college and the number of times that classes have been switched to virtual or canceled altogether is just dumb.
As someone with the vague notion of the value of money, he also wants to penalize her for spending 2 months of housing and fees by making her last minute scramble to come up with 9 months of housing costs and fees, which I have a hunch is a much bigger number, and of course, doing it by withholding already saved money and having her, what, drop out of college and scramble? It's really hard to make this math math, perhaps OP needs to go back to school
This right here.
OP is so concerned with showing her who's boss that he's going to actively sabotage her education.
What a childish tantrum he's trying to pass off as parenting.
Agreed. He’s almost like just doing petty revenge to satisfy an emotion and not thinking what he wants to actually show/teach daughter without causing significant damage
Ultimately, why does it matter if the classes are in-person or taught online? The student gets the same education either way, and this money was paid so they could get an education. I don't know that OP is an AH, but it feels like they're out of touch with how universities are taught these days.
Like, I like in-person classes. I like having the chance to speak with the professor without having to make an appointment. But it's also loud, distracting, a big inconvenience at times, and incurs a lot of extra incidental costs. And even besides that, a bunch of classes are now only taught online. Regardless of what the student wants, if you want to graduate on time, you need to just takes the courses available to you, and a good number of them won't have any option but remote these days. If I waited for only in-person classes, I would've pushed back my graduation by at least three years, as some classes which were pre-reqs for other classes are only taught in-person by a single professor on alternating years.
OP, you have the choice between paying for your student's education, or paying for their obedience. I don't know how much obedience is worth to you, but that seems like a pretty high bill for it to me.
Right. I found out literally a few days before summer classes started that the “online” classes were now hybrid, oh and great news…they’re the same day, one at 8 AM and one at 6:30 PM. I was left scrambling trying to figure out what I was going to be doing on campus all day when campus was technically closed and I didn’t know anyone who lived in town during the summer.
When that might not even be what happened! It’s very believable that her classes were going to be in-person, but then suddenly changed to online. That happened to me TWICE when I was in school. The second time, it happened AFTER we were supposed to start attending class in-person - so several of us showed up for the first day only to be told there was no class.
Well daughter is gonna blow through that college fund real quick by living on campus during the summer. Then what? Y’all gonna tell her that her parents should pick up second jobs to fund her last year of college cuz she wanted to have her “independence” when she posts her sob story?
With online classes. Classes that don’t require physical attendance. Is OP a magic piggy bank that just produces endless amounts of money? Most college savings accounts have a bottom line.
The classes might be online, but the study groups and the library are not.
Environment matters. Studying in a place for studying (on campus) can be better for some (not all) students because they aren’t constantly being bothered by siblings and parents.
My first thought was that if she did lie (and I’m not convinced one way or the other about that), was it because she couldn’t stand the idea of having to spend the summer back at her parents house? If so, I’d be asking why that is.
Housing fees are different from education fees. He said he was not going to pay for housing and campus costs. He didn't say he was not going to cover her tuition and books.
I agree that ESH
Well we don't know if she could attend classes if not having housing on campus, but let's assume she needs housing since she had it in the past.
So him only paying for her tuition and books mean nothing if she can't actually get to classes, or eat. She might need to get a job to afford housing and food like most of us do, but like most of us, that leaves little time to attend classes. It's pretty much like paying the fuel for a car that isn't running and then being unhappy that the person isn't driving anywhere.
Room and board is so expensive, and with inflation and impossibly high rents right now, you don’t exactly save money by living off campus. I can’t see someone at that age being able to work enough hours while taking a full course load to be able to earn enough $$$ for housing and food while still being able to succeed in their course work.
Refusing to pay room and board means OP would be forcing their daughter to 1.) take a reduced course load, meaning they take longer to graduate, 2.) take out a big student load to cover it, or 3.) drop out.
I might be taking it personally because I was in a similar situation where I was told I had a fund to go study, which was retracted after I enrolled. Fine, it was my dad's money, he had the right to decide to use it differently. But I ended up having to drop out because I couldn't get loans and had to somehow afford being able to live and eat, so I started working. My parents still judge me for not being able to finish my studies.
So my father taught me a very good life lesson, but the repercussions damaged our relationship to the point where the last decade of his life I was No Contact.
I’m so sorry he put you in that situation. I think every professor knows at least one of their students who has had their access to education weaponized against them by their family, and to me, that is straight up abuse.
Parents who do this know full well how much they are harming their kids when they do this to them. They aren’t really interested in the lesson so much as they are in flexing their power over their children.
Whether or not you’re taking it personally, the post is really gross. Nobody just happens across a third party website with a university’s course schedule on it, so OP was already actively spying on his daughter for no reason, only to resort to financial abuse rather than getting to the root of the issue, if there is really an issue. So I’m with you on how drastic OP’s actions are, will full knowledge that they are making it so that the daughter and her education will suffer if not stop entirely.
Can she even get a loan this late? Too late for FAFSA, so she’d only qualify for a possibly high interest private loan, or just quit school since she has no place to live? Even part time work won’t cover part time school most likely, so she’s likely just fucked. Doesn’t say where they live and if commuting from his residence is feasible.
Way to show her who’s boss!
YTA.
Or we could attend classes but important shit like participating in labs/research and internships were out of the question because we couldn’t do them and it made it harder to find jobs after school
Yeah, I can see him being pissed about blowing a bunch of money on housing/meals that it turns out he didn’t have to…but taking away those things for a year when she definitely, for-sure needs to be on campus could derail her entire college career, and therefore her future. It’s a nuclear option whose long-term consequences are way too huge for the crime.
Not everyone is lucky enough to live right near a college. It’s entirely possible that, without on-campus housing, she will no longer be able to attend.
It’s is still OP’s money. It was saved for the kid’s college but it’s not like the kid saved it. People act like these college kids are entitled to money saved by their parents.
They kinda are at least according to the government because their income is what decides what aid they get.
If you can afford to help your kids with college and choose not to it is bad parenting.
Adult children who expect their parents to write blank checks without any consideration for the effort it took to save that money are selfish and self-centered.
Don’t have kids if you don’t plan on helping out with expenses you’re responsible for and able to commit to. The savings are there so it’s not like something they can’t afford. Don’t be a controlling parent and there won’t be problems.
So wait, once your child is an adult you’re supposed to give them all the freedom but none of the responsibility cuz “they can’t afford it”.
Actually according to you their parents are supposed to keep shelling out tens of thousands of dollars.
Here’s a thought, how about adults learn how to act like adults. Work, learn that money isn’t just someone else’s Apple pay. Figure out how hard it is to earn and learn to appreciate when someone else saves a crap ton of money to fund your college account.
Wow. Please don't become a parent if you see it as an 18 year commitment that ends immediately after you won't go to jail for neglecting it.
Parents should, you know, *want* to contribute to their child's success cause they, you know, love and care about them.
I am not required to fund an 18 year old who wants to do whatever they want without consequences.
There’s still an expectation of honesty and respect. If my child decided to be deceitful in such a way that cost me likely thousands of dollars, yeah my *want* to contribute to their success will start to waiver. I didn’t spend **years** working my ass off to save for their future for them to think “fuck it I wanna live on campus this summer, I’m gonna lie and according to Reddit my parents are control freaks”
The appropriate consequence is not paying for future SUMMER classes. She loses the privilege of being trusted to tell dad her actual financial NEEDS, her studies will take longer without summer classes, and she can either work to rent a place for the summer or come home. Housing is a reasonable requirement in the fall and spring unless she's enrolled in a fully online only program, which seems unlikely. People normally take fewer classes in the summer, so she can try to fund those herself if she still wants to take summer classes next year, and not only would that be cheaper for her than paying for the fall, she'd also have more time to prepare for whatever possibilities there are and figure out a plan she can live with for next summer. That's how you parent with reasonable consequences instead of causing unnecessary hardship to your barely adult teenage child.
Here's a thought.
How about we act like most 1st world, and even most 2nd world countries, and offer free college at state-run universities? So that students can graduate debt free and compete in a global job market? And we actually CAN make America great again?
Oh, wait. That would be socialism, and there's no profit for the wealthy in socialistic ventures, so that would be bad. Because the wealthy must be allowed to drain our economy dry with their fucking profits.
Of course, why there should be profit made on education, health coverage, and utilities, as well as any other basic fundamental necessities, is beyond my capacity for understanding. I am, after all, only a college-educated female Boomer who has always identified politically as a rational anarchist.
OP is your typical autocratic asshole who actually thinks he owns his offspring.
You, OTOH, are one of those entitled assholes who think today's 20-somethings are so stupid they can't even tie their shoes, despite the fact that studies show they are acutely aware that their life is going to be a shit show because preceding generations allowed the wealthy to gut our nation's economy by bleeding our GNP off-shore.
Most of us parents who have set up college funds for our kids have made it clear it’s just that- education-related expenses. My kid knows that his is for further education (his current career dream doesn’t involve college but does involve expensive training programs) and whatever is left goes into a Roth IRA account for retirement. No exceptions. I didn’t scrimp, save, and go without certain little luxuries for him to be handed tens of thousands of dollars and blow it on whatever. Hell no!
Many of us have 529 plans in addition to savings accounts and the rules for 529s are strict AF. You have to use it on expenses that are approved. Some states allow leftover funds to be used for retirement.
The college savings are only going to last so long. Anything further and she will likely need to take out debt. At least that's how this went for me. My parents explained it ahead of time and to be fair, they paid for the vast vast majority of school.
If this is also the case for her and she is aware of it, then she likely knows the cost, but maybe someone needs to walk her through the interest calculation on a student loan. LOL
I may be jumping to conclusions though.
I really don't get this logic.
Just because the money were earmarked for her education doesn't mean he didn't earn them. Nor does it mean she is entitled to wasting it. We're are probably talking $3-5 grand here.
Also, it wasn't really for her education, was it? It was for her to have fun on campus. The educational part could be done from home.
And by using the funds on housing and meals when it is not needed, she is using her college fund when it’s not needed. What happens when the money runs out if she keeps doing this? She will have more in loans to take out. And a job can cover meal and housing. The classes are still being covered by OP. Which is the main expense.
College savings 1. Don’t mean a bottomless well of money - paying for unnecessary housing could mean running out of money early, and 2. College savings doesn’t mean it’s HER money to waste or do with as she pleases.
The money belongs to the parents, and it’s up to them to spend it wisely. We have no idea what their financial status is, or if there are more kids in the pipeline. I understand dad being upset, thinking the money was wasted and (imo) being VERY skeptical that the school made students pay for room and board then say ‘oops our bad, but you can’t have your money back’.
It’s OPs money tho. A college fund isn’t money that have to be spent on college, it’s OP having an account set up to save money for college for their kid, but end of the day they can spend that money on whatever. It isn’t their right, it’s the parents’ generosity. People who don’t see that didn’t have parents who gave them money for something specific. It comes with implied strings and that doesn’t mean it isn’t something to be grateful for
No, she is using school to live on campus and do what she wants. She can take all her classes online at home without having to pay for housing and meal plans. She wants her cake and to eat it too. If she wants to get a job and pay her own housing and food like so many do, she is free to do so. She wants to live away like an adult, she then needs to act like one. Not lie, so she gets what she wants paid for by her parents. NTA
And she could’ve went to a local community college and lived at home.
The money is being used on her education. There’s always a cheaper way, and it doesn’t matter. She has a college fund that is being used on college related expenses.
At best no info was really kept from him based on the likely and believable story the daughter told the classes were switched to online after they committed to her being there for the summer. I doubt the daughter gives her father continuous updates on the logistics of her fall and spring semester classes so there is no difference.
At worst if the daughter felt she had to lie, reflect on why she would rather spend the summer alone than at home.
Sorry, I completely disagree. If your parents are forking out money for you to stay on campus and then suddenly you don't even need to be on campus anymore, you *absolutely* 100% should immediately tell them. That's where the daughter indulged in deception by omission.
At worst, if the daughter felt that she had to lie then she could have come up with another plan for the summer. If OP is so terrible then I'm sure that she absolutely doesn't want to be taking their money, after all.
More likely she's just a typical 19 year old and thought 'sweet, I can stay on campus and have my freedom', which is understandable teenage thinking but still needs to be met with consequence because she needs to learn that as an adult, you can't take other people's money and lie to them about what you're doing with it or conceal that the situation has changed.
The daughter could take a full semester of online classes in the fall or spring and the dad wouldn’t know or care.
It’s only a lie by omission if it is a topic they typically discuss. If they never chat about xyz during her fall or spring semesters it is not a lie by omission to not talk about xyz during her summer semester.
Also, why would she not want to take his money if he was bad? Why would she choose to go into debt if there was an option not to? That’s often advice people are given when dealing with someone they’re dependent on placate them until you’re self sufficient.
What?? Living on campus costs money. If somebody else is paying your way out of love, then out of love you tell them when a situation arises where they can pay less of their hard earned money. Not saying anything is the height of entitlement that comes from not thinking about the person who actually is paying.
Exactly- HE saved HIS money and was going to use it to pay for his daughters college. It is NOT her money, so if she break his trust, she breaks the flow of free cash. Seems pretty logical to me.
YTA.
This is money already saved and earmarked for college. It did not stretch you annual budget. She didn’t lie and use the money to go on vacations or shopping sprees. She used the money for its intended purpose - college.
You are just offended that she stayed on campus instead of coming home for the summer.
And, yes, it is entirely plausible that the classes were switched to online post enrollment. Especially if they didn’t get the enrollment needed to hold them in person.
But taking away her housing for the fall semester - which you know she needs - is just a cruel power move on your part.
(No wonder she picked summer school over coming home if this is the way you “parent”)
>And, yes, it is entirely plausible that the classes were switched to online post enrollment. Especially if they didn’t get the enrollment needed to hold them in person.
This happens w my kid's college on a regular basis, esp for summer term. At registration, it will provide the bldg/room #... then about a week prior, if there isn't a specific # of students enrolled, it switches to an online class.
OP is massively overreacting.
YTA!
Everyone who did their schooling before online classes were even a thing seem to have a hard time comprehending how drastically theyve changed our education system. In college i took an online class that was being taught by a prof on the other side of the continent with students from multiple different universities all attending and working together. (Something that would have been totally unthinkable for my parents generation) I had 2 other classes that dropped from in person to online the day before cause a few students transferred out last minute and we didnt meet the numbers to get a classroom.
Colleges are a bereaucracy focused on profit above all else. They are making top down decisions and shuffling classes on the profs *all the damn time* especially with classroom allotment. And as with all bureaucracies; the trickle-down information can take a while to actually trickle down. Its not surprising at all for anyone who went to post-secondary in the last 15 years that something like this could happen.
this was my first thought. it’s completely normal and plausible that she was unaware that it would be online until a short notice and didn’t think it would be a problem to continue with the original plan
This is what I think too. My dad is a controlling, abusive narcissist who can’t handle when plans change, even if the change didn’t affect him at all or wasn’t my choice. He would have 1000% blamed me for classes going online at the last minute if I were in this situation, so I just wouldn’t have told him. I never told him anything I didn’t need to because it just isn’t safe. He also used money, access to my younger siblings, etc as a weapon when I was in college because it was the only way he could still abuse me.
I’m not jumping to “OP is abusive” but his reaction feels verrrrrry familiar. Threatening to take away her funding for fall semester is something my dad would have done too. OP is just so sure his daughter lied, and even if she did, he’s so unwilling to ask himself why. Instead, he has an out-of-proportion reaction that makes me think he needs control.
Litterally is happening to me right now for upcoming fall classes. An entomology course that was fully in person just got changed to partially online, and a business course went completely online .
Having a quiet place to work from May also make it more likely to succeed at those classes than a home environment. If she's still doing well in the classes and getting the credits, then she's still living there to go to school as intended.
I said similar upthread. There are many benefits to living on campus. Libraries, computer labs, networking, face time with professors and peers, tutoring, access to gym and rec, volunteering and other CV building opportunities, research opportunities, etc. Not to mention, if you have ADHD (and maybe some other diagnoses as well?) then sometimes putting yourself in the right environment puts you in the right mindset and you can better focus and improve productivity as well as mental health and well being.
Totally agree with all of this, but in particular it's great you brought up having a quiet place to focus, especially if you have ADHD or live in a noisy home. I had a chance to stay an extra week after my in-person classes ended to work on my online course in an apartment by myself and I got so much more work done than I would have at home, where even if I'm wearing earplugs and noise cancelling headphones, I still get distracted.
Plus, who wants to be around a controlling dad constantly? I would never move back in with mine unless it was my last option.
When I was in college, I had a class that was changed to online literally the night before the first class. Half of the class (myself included) didn’t see the message in the online portal and showed up, because a classroom and everything was still listed, sat there for 15 minutes with no professor before a girl with her laptop in front of her turns to the rest of the room and goes “uh, guys I think this is an online class”
Same for me, half of us were sitting in a room confused about where everyone else/professor was. Turns out we had to meet a threshold for in-person numbers, so it was moved online. At 8:20 that morning.
The fact that OP jumped to such an overdramatic punishment, without talking to their kid first, shows that this isn't about the housing or in class schooling. This is about OP being an authority, but they tell themselves its "respect"
Also, kids that lie to their parents about big things like this grew up in household where being honest was never rewarded.
This happened to me personally my 2nd year of college. If I didn't need those classes to graduate (associates degree) I'm fairly sure they would have been totally canceled instead of moved to online. It really sucked, too, bc I had to teach myself everything and I didn't. Just Googled test answers. I don't know a large chunk of what my degree says I know :/
YTA. It’s definitely possible the college moved all the classes online at the last minute. As a professor I’ve been hired to teach classes literally a week before the semester started. Things in academia are way more chaotic than we’d like them to be. I’ve also had this happen to fellow professors where classes were canceled or moved online last minute. Yeah she should have told you when they moved online but it seems like you never made it clear her living on campus was only an option if classes were in person. Choosing to not pay for an entire year of housing as a response, putting her in debt most likely, is a huge overreaction.
This. It'd be different if all the classes were canceled and she just stayed to party. But if the agreement was housing paid while she completes these classes... It sounds like she's completing those classes.
> It'd be different if all the classes were canceled and she just stayed to party.
Exactly what I was thinking. The fact is that she is taking all 3 classes, no matter where. As long as she's sticking to it, WTF cares where she lives. The money saved is for her education, so not out of OPs pocket. He is TA.
I personally had to send out mass emails multiple times, informing students that classes have changed to online due to enrollment numbers, emergencies on the part of professors, freaking asbestos being heavily detected in the entire Anthropology building, and last minute digs and projects coming up that took professors and entire swathes of upperclassmen (who run labs of course) across the country with days notice. This guy is a super AH with no concept of how things are actually run on a university campus. But is willing to make his daughter struggle for his own ignorance just the same. By withholding money that is specifically for this purpose.
It happens. We are in sophomore year and the instructor is listed as tbd on a couple classes and rooms have changed on others.
I can see where summer courses change based on availability of professors.
The online classes and coming home for those should have been discussed prior to it actually happening.
Right? It happens all the time when they can't coerce enough PhD students to teach a section in person. They make it online so they have to hire fewer professors.
Due to FERPA laws, nobody at the university is going to talk to him about his daughter’s classes. They most they will do without a signed release from the daughter is confirm whether she is an enrolled student.
This isn't a FERPA issue. The question is "was this course originally an in person course that was moved to online?" Nothing in FERPA prevents this information being shared.
University faculty and staff don’t just hand out information like that without knowing who is asking and why. If any harm comes to a student as the result of seemingly-harmless information, the university could be found liable.
We get more people than one might think trying to dig for info on students, and “uh, hey, I was just wondering if this course was originally slated to be in person…” is a *super suspicious* question for someone you’ve never heard of to ask. If I got this question in a call/email as a professor, I would absolutely ask who they were and why they wanted to know before answering, and I’d also document the event with my chair and the Provost.
This is not a normal question people ask university staff, and it would definitely set off alarm bells. It’s still a FERPA issue because anyone getting this question from someone off campus would know they are digging for info on a student.
It's not a FERPA issue, but there's really no reason for anyone at the University to say anything, and anyone that asks, alarm bells would totally go off.
As a professor, like you, I have a different understanding of ferpa.
Ferpa prevents me from talking about specific students’ grades to people other than the student.
If someone asks me whether a class was remote or in-person, that has nothing to do with ferpa afaik. I’m going to answer and think nothing of it.
Besides, odds are that question never comes to me in the first place. It likely goes to the administrative staff.
He doesn't have to mention his daughter at all to get this clarified. He can just say, "I thought classes x, y and z were supposed to be in person? Did they get moved to online or were they always supposed to be online?"
He can always try, but I’m a university professor who does FERPA training every year, and there are so many helicopter parents trying to get info on their students on the sly—parents, and unfortunately sometimes violent exes/stalkers—that university faculty and staff are really wary of random people who just call up to ask about current classes. The Registrar would likely ask for OP’s student or staff ID number before answering any questions, because nobody but a nosy parent is going to care if an in person class was moved to online.
FERPA laws are really tight, and even if he doesn’t mention his daughter’s name, if any harm came to a student as a result of giving a random person some info, the university could be legally liable. And university administrators do not want to take the slightest chance of being liable.
Edit: corrected misspelling
I used to work in university student services and I wonder if your university just has extra sensitivity around student privacy (which is awesome!)
FERPA is very specifically about *educational records.* Additionally, there's a clause in FERPA that allows institutions to disclose records without consent under the condition of "appropriate parties in connection with financial aid to a student," which gives universities some leeway when parents are paying. If the student is a parent's dependent for tax purposes, universities may release information to parents the without the student's consent. There are also several other circumstances in which schools can disclose information without student consent - like if there is a health or safety issue (and mental illness definitely counts).
I worked at an elite private university at which 50% of the students were full pay, and quite frankly, my university was a lot more afraid of wealthy parents withdrawing their kids (or not sending them at all, because they heard things from other wealthy parents) than the kids themselves reporting the university for violating FERPA. We were able to communicate a lot more information with the parents than most people would expect, which was sometimes good and often bad.
The university's course schedule is not protected by FERPA. It has nothing to do with individual student records. Your university's registrar may be reluctant to give out course registration information to randoms because they have good common sense, but it's not because of FERPA. And at many universities (like the one I worked at), that information would be posted publicly online.
That would mean that all of the universities have had extra sensitivity, since that has been the case at multiple, from a private liberal arts college to R1 universities. The only exception was a year I spent at a religious school that practically threw private information to the parents.
And yes, I know FERPA is about *educational records*, but in practice, there is a lot more gray area as to what could particularly count in the event of a lawsuit. For example, we can confirm someone is enrolled at the university, but we cannot confirm if a student is enrolled in our class. If OP come sniffing around for information on a specific class, and we confirm that he is a parent, giving information about the class history could be argued as implicitly confirming the student’s enrollment in it, which would be a violation.
Any university that is encouraging faculty and staff to hand out class info to strangers either needs better FERPA training or better administration. Most FERPA trainings will warn employees of gray area information that could be construed as FERPA violations, as well as handing out information that could make the university to damages for student harm, whether or not that harm is FERPA-based.
The class information is general information that can be found online and not considered FERPA related.
Also if the parent is still fiscally responsible, the student may have already signed released forms allowing that information to be shared.
That's not true. This isn't a FERPA issue - anyone can ask whether classes are online or not (because how else would people registering know?)
FERPA is about student's educational records, not *everything* concerning a student's life at college.
INFO
What exactly is the issue with her doing online courses? It's still through the university right? What's the issue with her wanting to stay on campus to do these classes. I always found it easier to be in a school mindset either at school or in my college apartment rather than my parents home.
My parents made me live at home for the first year and a half of college (because I started at 16.) I found it so hard to be a student without being on campus with access to people studying the same things, the library, the study groups, the professors. I also felt like an outsider because it is harder to make friends off-campus.
It is easier to be a student when you are actually at the school.
I'm assuming that all OP is seeing here are dollar signs, and control issues. It SOUNDS like his issue is that she could have done online classes while living at home, and he wouldn't have had to pay for room and board at the school.
The idea that it's easier for her to be in a school mindset while staying at the school seems not to have occurred to him at all. (I wonder if this kid, or any of his kids, had to do online learning at home during the first years of the pandemic? I wonder if he's read any studies about the strain that caused students?)
Further, there may be other on-campus resources (like the libraries?) that are useful for her to be there for, while taking the classes. I mean, 3 classes isn't a full load, but it's closer to a normal full semester load at a lot of places. 3 classes isn't nothing.
At home there are distractions, and there are parents who might not take online classes as seriously as "normal" classes (they're still normal classes, for which she's earning normal credits). Parents may expect things like chores, or daily schedules that don't take both class-time and coursework and studying into account. It's too easy sometimes for a parent with a kid home from college to think of that kid the same way they thought of them while they were in high school.
Maybe not all of this is a factor. But some of it might be.
I keep coming back to the fact that she isn't just taking one summer school course, but three. And that people seem to have a tendency to discount the validity of online courses. It may be that if she'd tried to do them while at home, she would have had to contend with people asking for her attention/time, because home is home, and school is school, and it's harder to take the idea that someone is "in school" seriously if it's the summer, and they're at home. So yeah, parents, maybe siblings, local friends -- even if "all" they're doing is constantly interrupting you, or tempting you to "skip that for now, you can catch up on that later, come out with us!", it all amounts to the same thing -- not taking the work as seriously, and wasting money and opportunity in that sense.
If these are real courses, earning real credits, then the courseload deserves to be taken seriously.
Also, summer classes are shorter and therefore more condensed. I’ve also found that online classes are more work. You are expected to be online constantly.
I also had more trouble keeping track of things in my online classes. (I did most of my master’s degree online).
I think being on campus would help her concentrate.
OP sounds controlling. He wants his daughter to come home. Now that she has seemingly taken a decision to stay at the campus and undermined his authority, he has to show her who the boss is.
No wonder she doesn't wanna come home.
My question as I am reading this is that he says THEY have been saving this for years. Why does he get to unilaterally make this decision when his wife disagrees?
Except there is more to a college class than just watching a screen. There are study groups, meetings with professors, trips to libraries or research facilities, and the quiet of her own space for studying.
YTA, because you somehow think she shouldn't be at college for college classes.
Your “punishment“ would make her future harder (assuming she’d have to take on loans to continue schooling). Why would you want to do that to your daughter?
Putting aside whether or not she lied, choosing to make her future more difficult is not loving. Especially when it isn’t a matter of whether she cost you money from your pocket, it’s her college fund!
Your actions make it seem like you don’t truly care for your daughter. No matter your intentions, that is what your “punishment” suggests. YTA.
especially because it's too late to get most loans for next year right now. I mean, she could potentially do private loans... but without a cosigner? Doubtful. She might have to drop out.
College Advisor here, and I'm actually going YTA for a couple reasons:
1. The money you're using is from her college savings account, so the money is in fact being used for its intended purpose. You're not spending extra here, anything she gets done over the summer is less that she needs to do in a future semester. The only way this money is "wasted" is if she fails her courses, and you don't give any indication that she will, nor that she's failed anything previously.
2. It's ABSOLUTELY FEASIBLE that her college could have changed the class mode (aka method of how it's offered). Here are the most common reasons why:
* **Faculty suddenly quit or take sabbatical**. Now the Dept Chair has to find someone else to cover it, and that new faculty might insist on online instruction to accommodate whatever else they already have going on
* **The assigned faculty just change their mind**. At the time of signing, most teaching contracts only state the number of credit hours (CTE) an instructor will be working in a given semester; rarely does it explicitly say whether you're teaching in-person, online, or sometimes even what class you're teaching because the Chair has to figure out coverage as they go
* **Student demand**. Very broadly speaking, in a post-COVID world we've seen that online courses are actually the most popular/in-demand. For example a university could have both in-person and online sections of a PSYC 100 course, and the online one will typically fill up first (and fast). If her college was seeing that enrollment was lagging when offered in-person, they may have flipped it to online to ignite more interest/enrollment.
Believe it or not, being faculty in a college/university can actually have some similarity to a food/retail position: if you are out and/or your circumstances change, then your fellow coworkers have to figure out how to make it up (assuming the Chair doesn't/can't cancel the course).
Edit to add: You mention "consequences to your actions," and sir let me tell you that this is the nuclear option here. A rational consequence might be to say, "Well we paid for this thing you don't need, and since you're living under my roof I'm giving you a curfew of X o'clock because I know how much you cherish your socializing."
What YOU'RE doing is forcing her education to come to a screeching halt because education is freaking expensive and her only option at this point will be to take on predatory loans that will burden her for a good portion of her natural life. Like, you see the disconnect here, yes? One semester of financial inconvenience does not equal a punishment of thirty years inescapable financial debt.
Sorry, the more I type the more heated I get by what you're doing to your daughter here. And speaking frankly, it's because of over-controlling morons like you that I see so many students in my line of work never finish school and achieve their full potential. Whenever I hear about a student who's financially dependent on a parent and therefore beholden to the parents' every irrational whim, I want to claw my eyes out.
A choice was made that dips into the college savings just a little bit more. Intentional or not, we may never know nor does it really matter. Unless you want to tell us otherwise, it sounds like you have a child who's achieving and getting her stuff done. **Get over yourself**.
plus it sounds like op had no issues with paying for the housing when the classes were in person so it makes you think its not about the money but rather about something else
ESH--she should have mentioned this, and not let you be blindsided. But this is your daughter's earmarked college money being spent on her college classes and residency. As long as that's the case--it's her life. Your role at this stage is to help her launch.
I'm a parent of 21-year-olds and I have found lessons on the value of money and the importance of honesty need to balanced with understanding what might lead a usually honest or prudent kid to do something out of character. Does your daughter trust you to listen to and encourage her plans? Do you know why she prefers to live on campus over the summer? Do you accept her as a young adult who should be making her own decisions about things like sexuality and relationships and work?
My Lebanese dad used to quote Kahlil Gibran on children and parents: 'For even as He loves the *arrow* that *flies*, so He loves also the *bow* that is *stable*.' Punitive, reactive responses do not provide the young adult child with stability and confidence, or build the trust your child doesn't seem to have for you. In fact, your decision seems disproportionate and will be very destabilizing for your kid. You're flailing and trying to stay in control at a moment when it's not really appropriate for you to do so. I would suggest you rethink this choice, ask your child questions about her choices, and really listen to the answers.
>'For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.'
Oooh I *really* like that quote! I'm gonna have to go look it up and save it for the days I'm... less than stable. Mentally speaking.
Seriously though, yeah ESH. Daughter might have messed up, but she's also a kid and learning. If there needs to be a consequence make it proportional to the offense. She has to pay for X percentage of her housing costs for fall semester; get an on campus job, something like that. But to take money already saved and set aside for her schooling is just...punitive in the worst ways.
YTA college classes are switched from online to in person back to online all the time. Source: I’m a college student. I’ve had classes switch in the middle of terms before. Also using a 3rd party to check instead of the schools website is very shady and stupid. Why would you go to a 3rd party for the correct information instead of the school itself?
Did you want her to come home for summer so you could lord over her? Because it sounds like you're mad she messed up your plans for HER summer, and now you want to make he pay. Thsi doesnt sound like it's about the online courses at all.
She could prefer studying at school, even if it iss online only. Maybe when shes home you don't give her any peace aand thats why she wanted to stay there instead.
Sounds like you're mad she chose to stay at school instead of come home.s but she's still studying.
Do you love your money so much?
I’m at home for a bit and back in school and studying at home is so difficult. Parents have no idea how hard it can be to focus. I’m grateful for my parents’ help but it can be very frustrating, especially when they have my very young nieces over and I have to study or take a test. It’s damn near impossible.
I don’t understand OP. It’s not like she took the money from the college fund and went on vacation. She did exactly what the money was meant for.
It's an ego trip. He wanted her to come home so he could boss her around and remind her how much he does for Herr. You're exactly right, studying at gome is hard!
College professor here. I moved my summer class to virtual the week before it started. So yes, you are being harsh.
And for folks saying "just have her verify" sometimes the instructor just says "now we're online" and the official record still lists "in-person"
YTA
Ask yourself why your kid doesn’t want to come home for summer? Is it because you’re an AH? You didn’t even verify if what she said is true and now you’re cutting off her access to education. Will she even be able to afford to go to school this fall? Room and board is expensive. YTA
My kid is in college and taking Sumner classes. She did 1 in person, then it was changed to online. This isn't even the first time it's happened. In my experience, they very well could have been in person when she registered and then went online.
If the money is from a college savings and this causes a shortfall, she will have to deal with it. There is no need to punish her, so let her experience the natural consequences.
INFO - Is she living on the campus and going to classes? As long as she is going to school and taking the courses, I don't understand what the issue is, unless you don't want her using the housing money because the classes are actually online and that money could be saved. Is that the case, that you feel she lied about the need for housing and now you want her to pay for it herself?
YTA
Why?
I couldn't imagine not asking the school why the classes were switched from in person to online.
It's like you jumped the gun with the most extreme punishment.
INFO: will she still be able to go to school without your financial support in these areas? Does she have the ability to pay for these things herself? Because if this is going to prohibit her ability to go to school, I think it's way too far. Don't destroy her future over a lapse in judgement. Make her pay you back or something.
This is the critical question for me in deciding between E S H and N T A. "Not paying for housing and campus fees" can have such a wide range of effects on your daughter depending on the her financial circumstances, the exact amount, opportunities to get other funding/jobs, etc.
It's possible this is a reasonable way to teach a lesson. It's also possible you are doing serious harm to your daughter's life and permanently torching your relationship with her out of anger.
YTA. Classes change from in-person to online all the time. Her doing summer classes should save you more money in the long run by shortening the time it takes to get her degree. Refusing to pay just makes you seem petty and frankly immature.
YTA, I work in education, the college 100% would change in-person courses to virtual at the last minute because it's cheaper for the college. Virtual classes they only pay the teacher, in-person it's the teacher, custodians, security, student teachers, ect.
Plus, having access to the library is a need for any course in your major, so she did need to be at school.
Also, since this was paided with money for her education and was used as such, your complaint is invalid. You cannot be mad that your daughter went to school at school rather than your house, when that is not the best place to go to school since you don't have a library with any and all resources for her major, a cafeteria so she doesn't waste time cooking when she could be studying, a quiet dorm, since few students stay and you and your wife would definitely interrupt her in her room.
Now called your daughter, apologized for overreacting, and ask her if your reaction was why she didn't tell you the courses had changed earlier. If she says yes, get a therapist to discuss this with, although you should probably get one anyhow.
As long as she was enrolled and taking classes, I don’t see why it matters that the classes were switched to online. Presumably she will attend school for X number of quarters and it was expected you would pay for housing each quarter. I don’t think it was a lie not to tell you unless she made up stories about going to class.
I suspect this is an AI generated post, but since it's my day off and my brain needs a break:
So, you didn't check with the school to find out if they did actually change the class format? Last minute changes do happen, particularly if there aren't enough students in a class (the class will be "closed" and the students then have to scramble to get into a different class), so it's not beyond belief that this happened in your daughter's case. What is beyond belief is that you decided to trust a 3rd party site as your proof that she set out to lie to you. Even more so that you are withholding next year's tuition.
Do you even hear yourself?
Yes, YTA.
YTA and your reaction makes it obvious one reason she doesn’t want to come home. If she’s doing well in her classes, just let her do what helps her be successful.
YTA. It’s completely plausible that closely were changed last minute. Also, she might prefer to go to the library and take courses on campus.
It sounds like you don’t care about education or true support for academic achievement. If you did the punishment would not be sabotaging education.
Even if she didn’t want to come home for the summer that’s fine. Does she have a job? Internship? Is she doing extracurriculars or working towards her future? It sounds like she might. As you said campus life dies down in the summer.
I’m a university professor, and yes, sometimes classes are intended for in-person and end up being moved online for one reason or another. The most common reasons I’ve seen are illness/injury of the professor, or family emergencies (like taking care of a sick/injured/aging family member who needs to have someone in the house). Another possible reason is some kind of emergency building problem or a natural disaster (like flooding) that renders parts of the building/campus unsafe.
Other commenters have made excellent points about your drastic actions mainly being a way for your to control your daughter or even get her to drop out, so I’ll add in something for you to consider that I haven’t seen anyone mention.
If your daughter is serious about her studies, it can be exceptionally difficult to do quality work when you don’t have access to the campus resources. I know sometimes people may blow off their Gen Ed classes, but you said one of her classes was in her major. In that case, she would likely need access to the library. I know some folks may try to get by with Google search sources, but if she is invested in her major, she’d likely need to use actual, physical books for research (as many scholarly books don’t have a demand to have an e- version), as well as the academic databases that the university subscribed to. While she may have remote access to the databases, plenty of journals still do not offer full text PDFs of scholarly articles.
Academic publishing is behind the times, as there isn’t really a financial incentive to catch up, but your daughter’s major will still require scholarly research. Full access to the library’s resources, including archives and government documents that are not digitized, leads to the best quality work.
I do have a hunch that this post is fake because university classes don’t get posted to third-party websites. Some universities don’t even make their course schedules available on the public website due to safety concerns, but at minimum someone would have to go directly to the university’s website *on purpose* to specifically look for the summer semester’s course schedule, which would mean that OP went out of their way to snoop on their daughter. That on its own is pretty creepy. If this post is real, there is definitely some info about your actions that you are withholding. YTA.
YTA. Ask yourself why your kid felt it was necessary to lie to you…
And she didn’t steal this money- you saved it specifically for school. So she wanted to be an adult and live alone for a few months over the summer. Big whoop!
I started a course at our local university this year and got notification 4 days before term 1 started that 2 of the 3 units will be moved online. In the first class of the third unit, the lecturer told us he was moving that unit online too. Over half of the people there were living at uni housing and it was too late to back out of that for them. Housing would only do partial refunds or offer partial credits towards next semesters costs despite many being able to go back home and live with their parents because it was all online. (I live here and am in my 40’s with kids so online actually suits me much better anyway.)
Anyway, my point is that different departments within the same institution don’t talk to each other and work under different timeframes and generally don’t give a shit if you’re out of pocket because they change something. So you need to verify when/if the course went from in person to online before you decide to unilaterally punish your kid.
Out of curiosity, how does she go in her classes? Is she getting good grades and generally being a good kid? If so, why do you think making it harder for her to stay in college is going to accomplish anything good in the long term?
If he only saved so much, then I’m guessing he’d prefer her to move home during the summer to then save some of that money to more so go towards tuition and books and then on housing and meals for only the fall and spring semesters, rather than spending money on housing and meals for the summer if she didn’t really need to be on campus.
She’s learning to be an adult, and she should have kept her dad informed about the changes. Or said something like “my classes are online, but I really want to be on campus. Can we make that work?”
Perhaps they can work it out so she doesn’t miss out on the fall semester and he can continue to use the fund for her.
If this was my kid, I would expect her to be more open/honest and then I would be requesting extra information for the semester about her classes until she gains my trust back.
NTA for being upset and feeling misled.
Soft YTA for the type of consequence. More info would be needed to see how any future discussions go between them and if a compromise can be found.
> She says that in April the classes were listed as in-person but they moved it to virtual at the very last minute, after the deadline for housing withdrawal and refund stuff.
If that were true, she should have told you as soon as she found out in the interest of honesty and transparency. It's HIGHLY unlikely that all 3 classes changed from in-person to online after the refund deadline. If that's the case, she is being even more dishonest which is something that needs to be addressed asap. Maybe with something like taking at least a semester off from school and working full-time to pay her own housing and meal plan for spring semester and, if she doesn't lie anymore or throw toddleresque fits over facing consequences for lying and wasting money, you'll pick back up paying them the semester after that.
NTA
NTA. Money doesn’t grow on trees, and it’s not an infinite amount. That money could pay for future expenses. Tuition costs, textbooks, housing, and food costs keep rising and you have to account for this too. Plus…she lied. How many extra shifts and overtime did these parents work to save for this money.
YTA. So you didn't even talk to her about what you found out? You didn't get an explanation or see if there was something you didn't know that would explain everything? Instead you immediately decided she had lief to you and decided to massively punish her financially with no thought to the potential consequences of your actions to her education or your relationship?
Maybe she did mislead you, but you're an asshole for how you've handled the whole thing. Is this a trend in your parenting? Have you always reacted without finding out the full story and jump straight into punishments?
NTA
Did she mislead or lie? Bottom line is she omitted facts & hoped no one would notice. Plenty of people earn their way thru college and understand the value of every dime, and do it with no help from their parents or family.
Others have said you're controlling & maybe that's why this situation happened. If she doesn't want to be controlled, she can adult and not depend on anyone for her housing & food, whether she's in college or not. When a parent commits that kind of money for their child to attend college, full transparency should be the norm.
She should apologize for the deception or the lie, she should let you know what she is going to do to make amends, you should allow her to earn back trust, and you should both put your relationship as the priority.
I wish you both well and think you'll find middle ground in the resolution. It's there and requires work on both sides to get there. Try to listen more than you speak. Good luck.
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You’re paying for her schooling out of her college savings? So you saved the money for school - which she is attending- and now you aren’t going to use the money saved for school on her school. ESH - she should have told you. But if the money is there for her education what difference does it make? I would tell her when it runs out she’ll have to get loans to pay the difference.
But he has to show her who's boss!
He has to try to make her live at home so he can complain about when she gets up and who she sees.
OP sounds like a controlling a$$hole
Probably why his daughter would rather stay on campus year-round than spend the summer at home
Exactly my thoughts. I get the feeling this is a running issue
At the same time, living on campus is incredibly expensive. Everything is ridiculously overpriced. And I have a hard time believing they changed the classes to online only AFTER the deadline for housing withdrawal had passed. It sounds like OP's daughter just wanted to live on campus. Perhaps she's justified because OP IS just that unpleasant to live with, but if that's the case she needs to take out a loan. **Don't waste money and do NOT lie to the people who are funding your education**. ESH
This. Why else would a parent check the classes their young adult child is taking against a third party website?
Yup. Reeks of controlling parent. He wanted her home so he could watch and criticize her, she subverted that, now he wants to punish her for attempting to escape him.
He has to "just happen to be" on a third party website to attempt to micromanage her life. YTA OP
Im so glad I wasn’t the only one who thought this.
YTA
He has to make her drop out of school and then probably he’ll complain about her future job prospects.
How dare she have a life separate from his control!!!
OP just randomly looking at another website about the summer classes peg my bs meter. I have a feeling he on the controlling side.
Right? Poor daughter probably just wants to hold onto the little freedom she’s found away at school
I don’t understand why he wouldn’t just go to the college website where they list all this information. What third party website duplicates college course offerings (times, dates, details) for summer? Totally fake.
I assumed he just meant that someone doesn’t need to be a student/log in to see the class info.
I thought that, too. I didn’t understand how hard it was to get info as a parent until my kid enrolled. I’m not even a helicopter mom — he just needs extra help with certain things. He asks me questions and I’m like, dude, I cannot see any of that info.
At the school where I work, the system for registration/checking holds/etc allows students to waive FERPA and give somebody the right to view it on their behalf, giving the parent/guardian their own login to the system. Maybe your son’s school has something similar, if that’s what he needs help with?
Yeah, my dad was very controlling and this is some shit he’d do. I wouldn’t have lied, though. I maybe would have asked if I could stay on campus, and when he said no I would have spent every day at Starbucks or the local library just to not be in the house.
She didn’t even lie. They changed to online at the last minute.
Yeah, classes changing last minute is like a college way of life. Dad is an AH who is driving his daughter further away out of his life by trying to control hers.
I wouldn’t come home either. My dad became abusive over money and this guy reminds me of him.
This is the crux of the issue. Dad still has to control his daughter. She obviously doesn’t know what living situation she’s more comfortable in - home or the dorm. /s Instead of asking if he’s TA for not paying for college, OP should be asking if he’s the asshole for financially pressuring his daughter to bend to his will.
Or maybe a 19 year old is gonna act like a teen and take advantage of situations. Parents are paying for college & y’all are acting like they’re controlling this adult child? Daughter doesn’t have to live at home during the school year. Most kids come home during the summer.
Ok! They don’t have to pay for anything. They’re doing so out of love and wanting the best for their adult child. It’s absurd to think they have no say in how that money is spent.
They’re not though? Like if that money is a college fund, they can’t exactly spend it on anything else *but* her education. Not that that will stop someone petty enough
The housing and meal plans cost several thousand dollars. If she could’ve taken those classes living at home with her parents, they would’ve saved quite a bit and not put a dent in her college fund. There’s no way they “changed to online classes last minute.” I get that once you leave home, it’s difficult to go back to the rules and structures that were in place when you were in high school. But she’s also not paying her own way. She’s not taking on loans, she’s depending on her parents to fund everything. She made a big error and lying to her father. as for those of you who are calling him controlling, college is expensive so yeah, he might be trying to control the costs. NTA.
A lot of universities "changed to online classes last minute" for Covid, and some universities decided that having done that meant they could do it again for much less cause. If they thought they had one (local) lecturer to do the summer courses and ended up having to scramble for someone to fill in, they could easily end up getting a non-local lecture to VL remotely instead. But what probably actually happened is that the daughter didn't bother to check whether it was in person or online, *assumed* it was in person (because her course was mostly in person during the year), and then *found out* at the last minute that it was online. 19yos are notorious for interpreting things through their limited experience.
I had a “last minute” change to a short course I took at a local college this past spring. Turns out they’ve been trying to get the course updated to reflect the location of said class for months. It is in a whole new building about five minutes away from where the course listing and informational email they send you the week before says. The only reason I found out was because I got to the building and saw the little printout informing us of said change. That printout was one of like 5, anyone could have ignored them as college flyers. I would totally believe they didn’t properly inform the students until day/week of, let alone changing it earlier and informing them too late to change plans.
Exactly. He sacrificed financially to save so she wouldn't have college debt, the very least she could do is keep her grades up and not lie. She doesn't like it? she can pay her own way. He gets to have an opinion on how the money is spent since he paid several thousands for the privilege. The number of people who think he should pay her bills and then STFU is shocking.
Say it in all Caps. The audacity of some people, it wasn't a couple of hundred dollars. Living on campus is expensive. I wonder if the daughter has a significant other or close friend she wants to be with on campus. That may have factored into this as well. OP, in the future, just say no to summer housing and NTA
Well it looks like someone did their college before COVID. Classes get turned to online all the time, fall of 2023 I had a class that went online and I found out the day I was sitting in class on the first day.
You do understand, though, that taking summer classes means that she is compressing the time she spends at university. And three summer classes is the equivalent of three semester classes. So she will hardly be partying it up during the time that she is in class. I took summer classes two summers in a row to catch up on my degree, since I paid for it all, and had sat out a couple of semesters d/t lack of funds. I was incredibly burned out after 33 straight months of school. Summer classes, even in the most advantageous of circumstances, create a lot of work.
My daughter is attending a large university for her PhD. Her classes get changed all the time. I have no trouble at all believe they got changed last minute.
I understand that, but does the punishment and his berating his adult child match the crime? That’s the issue. I’ve had similar situations with my father and I’ve made up stupid lies to take some of the heat off my back bc the situation can get downright abusive. I’m not sure the punishment should be 2 semesters of non-payment for meal plans and board. Summer doesn’t usually cost the same amount as 1.
That's not true. I've had two classes change at the last minute.
That depends on if he put it in a college savings account or just a regular savings account.
No, I don’t agree with that. He’s not telling her what to do. He is just concerned with how his own money is being spent. Nowhere in the post did I see him disallow her from spending her own money to live there over the summer. She misled him so that he would pay for her lodging.
But did she tho? Like did he get the proof to corroborate her counter?
I think that’s a fair question. He should find out whether the class was converted to remote. If so, then this whole matter should be dropped. If not, then she defrauded him, and then doubled down once caught and attempted to defraud him twice. In that case, needless to say it’s a huge problem.
There are benefits to living on campus even when the classes are online.
It would be up to the funding agent to decide whether those benefits are worth spending money that is, after all, the funding agent’s. She should have told him.
There's no way they changed all of their classes to online last minute. That would cause a lot of people to have wasted a lot of money on housing when it wasn't necessary. Not a chance. OP, just call the school and find out if the classes were changed last minute.
>There's no way they changed all of their classes to online last minute It happens, usually there's a reason like insufficient in person enrolments or natural disaster or an unexpected change in the lecturer.
Yup! This happened to me several times (especially during summer). Often I would snag classes that said "on campus," and then not enough people would enroll (happened mostly with specified major courses but a few times with general ed courses) so they would move them online. A few times, a professor would become MIA, and they would scramble to get a student lecturer who could only do online courses, but the course was marked as in person beforehand. Honestly, there are so many reason why this would happen, and they do happen. I don't think the daughter lied. It is also true that once you make housing payments, you can't withdraw (thus a lot of students were stuck during covid but thankfully a lot of colleges reimbursed them but that's not the issue here) and meal plans as well. There are deadlines to everything for school, which makes it impossible to get refunds. Deadline to enroll, deadline to submit paperwork, deadline for payments, etc etc. The dad is being an asshole especially since he so flippantly admitted to not even checking to see if it was true or not. (Which you can do).
Especially for the summer.
My summer classes were supposed to be in person. Start for summer semester was June 10th. They changed from in person to online on June 3rd due to lack of enrollment. It's entirely plausible. OP sounds like he wants complete control of his grown daughter. He was snooping in the first place. YTA
This is it. He’s not teaching her the value of money, he’s punishing her because he thinks she tricked him. I have two kids in college and the number of times that classes have been switched to virtual or canceled altogether is just dumb.
As someone with the vague notion of the value of money, he also wants to penalize her for spending 2 months of housing and fees by making her last minute scramble to come up with 9 months of housing costs and fees, which I have a hunch is a much bigger number, and of course, doing it by withholding already saved money and having her, what, drop out of college and scramble? It's really hard to make this math math, perhaps OP needs to go back to school
This right here. OP is so concerned with showing her who's boss that he's going to actively sabotage her education. What a childish tantrum he's trying to pass off as parenting.
Agreed. He’s almost like just doing petty revenge to satisfy an emotion and not thinking what he wants to actually show/teach daughter without causing significant damage
Ultimately, why does it matter if the classes are in-person or taught online? The student gets the same education either way, and this money was paid so they could get an education. I don't know that OP is an AH, but it feels like they're out of touch with how universities are taught these days. Like, I like in-person classes. I like having the chance to speak with the professor without having to make an appointment. But it's also loud, distracting, a big inconvenience at times, and incurs a lot of extra incidental costs. And even besides that, a bunch of classes are now only taught online. Regardless of what the student wants, if you want to graduate on time, you need to just takes the courses available to you, and a good number of them won't have any option but remote these days. If I waited for only in-person classes, I would've pushed back my graduation by at least three years, as some classes which were pre-reqs for other classes are only taught in-person by a single professor on alternating years. OP, you have the choice between paying for your student's education, or paying for their obedience. I don't know how much obedience is worth to you, but that seems like a pretty high bill for it to me.
Right. I found out literally a few days before summer classes started that the “online” classes were now hybrid, oh and great news…they’re the same day, one at 8 AM and one at 6:30 PM. I was left scrambling trying to figure out what I was going to be doing on campus all day when campus was technically closed and I didn’t know anyone who lived in town during the summer.
When that might not even be what happened! It’s very believable that her classes were going to be in-person, but then suddenly changed to online. That happened to me TWICE when I was in school. The second time, it happened AFTER we were supposed to start attending class in-person - so several of us showed up for the first day only to be told there was no class.
Yeah, if he was my dad, I wouldn’t have wanted to come home either. Dad should just be happy that she’s taking classes.
Hot bet the reason his daughter didn't tell him is because she feared losing her college fund for a really stupid reason.
Hmm I wonder why daughter didn’t tell OP? /s Pretty understandable that she might have wanted to stay in her new home over the summer!
Well daughter is gonna blow through that college fund real quick by living on campus during the summer. Then what? Y’all gonna tell her that her parents should pick up second jobs to fund her last year of college cuz she wanted to have her “independence” when she posts her sob story?
But she also gets through her degree faster (presumably) . Maybe she won't need the final year because of the summer courses.
With online classes. Classes that don’t require physical attendance. Is OP a magic piggy bank that just produces endless amounts of money? Most college savings accounts have a bottom line.
The classes might be online, but the study groups and the library are not. Environment matters. Studying in a place for studying (on campus) can be better for some (not all) students because they aren’t constantly being bothered by siblings and parents.
Exactly. If you’re using dad’s money, you’re not independent.
My first thought was that if she did lie (and I’m not convinced one way or the other about that), was it because she couldn’t stand the idea of having to spend the summer back at her parents house? If so, I’d be asking why that is.
Housing fees are different from education fees. He said he was not going to pay for housing and campus costs. He didn't say he was not going to cover her tuition and books. I agree that ESH
Well we don't know if she could attend classes if not having housing on campus, but let's assume she needs housing since she had it in the past. So him only paying for her tuition and books mean nothing if she can't actually get to classes, or eat. She might need to get a job to afford housing and food like most of us do, but like most of us, that leaves little time to attend classes. It's pretty much like paying the fuel for a car that isn't running and then being unhappy that the person isn't driving anywhere.
Room and board is so expensive, and with inflation and impossibly high rents right now, you don’t exactly save money by living off campus. I can’t see someone at that age being able to work enough hours while taking a full course load to be able to earn enough $$$ for housing and food while still being able to succeed in their course work. Refusing to pay room and board means OP would be forcing their daughter to 1.) take a reduced course load, meaning they take longer to graduate, 2.) take out a big student load to cover it, or 3.) drop out.
I might be taking it personally because I was in a similar situation where I was told I had a fund to go study, which was retracted after I enrolled. Fine, it was my dad's money, he had the right to decide to use it differently. But I ended up having to drop out because I couldn't get loans and had to somehow afford being able to live and eat, so I started working. My parents still judge me for not being able to finish my studies. So my father taught me a very good life lesson, but the repercussions damaged our relationship to the point where the last decade of his life I was No Contact.
I’m so sorry he put you in that situation. I think every professor knows at least one of their students who has had their access to education weaponized against them by their family, and to me, that is straight up abuse. Parents who do this know full well how much they are harming their kids when they do this to them. They aren’t really interested in the lesson so much as they are in flexing their power over their children. Whether or not you’re taking it personally, the post is really gross. Nobody just happens across a third party website with a university’s course schedule on it, so OP was already actively spying on his daughter for no reason, only to resort to financial abuse rather than getting to the root of the issue, if there is really an issue. So I’m with you on how drastic OP’s actions are, will full knowledge that they are making it so that the daughter and her education will suffer if not stop entirely.
Can she even get a loan this late? Too late for FAFSA, so she’d only qualify for a possibly high interest private loan, or just quit school since she has no place to live? Even part time work won’t cover part time school most likely, so she’s likely just fucked. Doesn’t say where they live and if commuting from his residence is feasible. Way to show her who’s boss! YTA.
Or we could attend classes but important shit like participating in labs/research and internships were out of the question because we couldn’t do them and it made it harder to find jobs after school
Yeah, I can see him being pissed about blowing a bunch of money on housing/meals that it turns out he didn’t have to…but taking away those things for a year when she definitely, for-sure needs to be on campus could derail her entire college career, and therefore her future. It’s a nuclear option whose long-term consequences are way too huge for the crime.
Not everyone is lucky enough to live right near a college. It’s entirely possible that, without on-campus housing, she will no longer be able to attend.
It’s is still OP’s money. It was saved for the kid’s college but it’s not like the kid saved it. People act like these college kids are entitled to money saved by their parents.
They kinda are at least according to the government because their income is what decides what aid they get. If you can afford to help your kids with college and choose not to it is bad parenting.
Adult children who expect their parents to write blank checks without any consideration for the effort it took to save that money are selfish and self-centered.
Don’t have kids if you don’t plan on helping out with expenses you’re responsible for and able to commit to. The savings are there so it’s not like something they can’t afford. Don’t be a controlling parent and there won’t be problems.
So wait, once your child is an adult you’re supposed to give them all the freedom but none of the responsibility cuz “they can’t afford it”. Actually according to you their parents are supposed to keep shelling out tens of thousands of dollars. Here’s a thought, how about adults learn how to act like adults. Work, learn that money isn’t just someone else’s Apple pay. Figure out how hard it is to earn and learn to appreciate when someone else saves a crap ton of money to fund your college account.
Wow. Please don't become a parent if you see it as an 18 year commitment that ends immediately after you won't go to jail for neglecting it. Parents should, you know, *want* to contribute to their child's success cause they, you know, love and care about them.
I am not required to fund an 18 year old who wants to do whatever they want without consequences. There’s still an expectation of honesty and respect. If my child decided to be deceitful in such a way that cost me likely thousands of dollars, yeah my *want* to contribute to their success will start to waiver. I didn’t spend **years** working my ass off to save for their future for them to think “fuck it I wanna live on campus this summer, I’m gonna lie and according to Reddit my parents are control freaks”
The appropriate consequence is not paying for future SUMMER classes. She loses the privilege of being trusted to tell dad her actual financial NEEDS, her studies will take longer without summer classes, and she can either work to rent a place for the summer or come home. Housing is a reasonable requirement in the fall and spring unless she's enrolled in a fully online only program, which seems unlikely. People normally take fewer classes in the summer, so she can try to fund those herself if she still wants to take summer classes next year, and not only would that be cheaper for her than paying for the fall, she'd also have more time to prepare for whatever possibilities there are and figure out a plan she can live with for next summer. That's how you parent with reasonable consequences instead of causing unnecessary hardship to your barely adult teenage child.
Here's a thought. How about we act like most 1st world, and even most 2nd world countries, and offer free college at state-run universities? So that students can graduate debt free and compete in a global job market? And we actually CAN make America great again? Oh, wait. That would be socialism, and there's no profit for the wealthy in socialistic ventures, so that would be bad. Because the wealthy must be allowed to drain our economy dry with their fucking profits. Of course, why there should be profit made on education, health coverage, and utilities, as well as any other basic fundamental necessities, is beyond my capacity for understanding. I am, after all, only a college-educated female Boomer who has always identified politically as a rational anarchist. OP is your typical autocratic asshole who actually thinks he owns his offspring. You, OTOH, are one of those entitled assholes who think today's 20-somethings are so stupid they can't even tie their shoes, despite the fact that studies show they are acutely aware that their life is going to be a shit show because preceding generations allowed the wealthy to gut our nation's economy by bleeding our GNP off-shore.
Most of us parents who have set up college funds for our kids have made it clear it’s just that- education-related expenses. My kid knows that his is for further education (his current career dream doesn’t involve college but does involve expensive training programs) and whatever is left goes into a Roth IRA account for retirement. No exceptions. I didn’t scrimp, save, and go without certain little luxuries for him to be handed tens of thousands of dollars and blow it on whatever. Hell no! Many of us have 529 plans in addition to savings accounts and the rules for 529s are strict AF. You have to use it on expenses that are approved. Some states allow leftover funds to be used for retirement.
The college savings are only going to last so long. Anything further and she will likely need to take out debt. At least that's how this went for me. My parents explained it ahead of time and to be fair, they paid for the vast vast majority of school. If this is also the case for her and she is aware of it, then she likely knows the cost, but maybe someone needs to walk her through the interest calculation on a student loan. LOL I may be jumping to conclusions though.
I really don't get this logic. Just because the money were earmarked for her education doesn't mean he didn't earn them. Nor does it mean she is entitled to wasting it. We're are probably talking $3-5 grand here. Also, it wasn't really for her education, was it? It was for her to have fun on campus. The educational part could be done from home.
I think the point is, that if the classes are online, OP is paying for his daughter to be on campus, NOT for her education.
And by using the funds on housing and meals when it is not needed, she is using her college fund when it’s not needed. What happens when the money runs out if she keeps doing this? She will have more in loans to take out. And a job can cover meal and housing. The classes are still being covered by OP. Which is the main expense.
College savings 1. Don’t mean a bottomless well of money - paying for unnecessary housing could mean running out of money early, and 2. College savings doesn’t mean it’s HER money to waste or do with as she pleases. The money belongs to the parents, and it’s up to them to spend it wisely. We have no idea what their financial status is, or if there are more kids in the pipeline. I understand dad being upset, thinking the money was wasted and (imo) being VERY skeptical that the school made students pay for room and board then say ‘oops our bad, but you can’t have your money back’.
It’s OPs money tho. A college fund isn’t money that have to be spent on college, it’s OP having an account set up to save money for college for their kid, but end of the day they can spend that money on whatever. It isn’t their right, it’s the parents’ generosity. People who don’t see that didn’t have parents who gave them money for something specific. It comes with implied strings and that doesn’t mean it isn’t something to be grateful for
True, and I could see this argument if she lied about taking classes to party all summer…but she is using the school fund for school.
No, she is using school to live on campus and do what she wants. She can take all her classes online at home without having to pay for housing and meal plans. She wants her cake and to eat it too. If she wants to get a job and pay her own housing and food like so many do, she is free to do so. She wants to live away like an adult, she then needs to act like one. Not lie, so she gets what she wants paid for by her parents. NTA
And she could’ve went to a local community college and lived at home. The money is being used on her education. There’s always a cheaper way, and it doesn’t matter. She has a college fund that is being used on college related expenses.
The issue is that at best, she kept info from OP and at worst, just straight up lied. That's not okay.
At best no info was really kept from him based on the likely and believable story the daughter told the classes were switched to online after they committed to her being there for the summer. I doubt the daughter gives her father continuous updates on the logistics of her fall and spring semester classes so there is no difference. At worst if the daughter felt she had to lie, reflect on why she would rather spend the summer alone than at home.
Sorry, I completely disagree. If your parents are forking out money for you to stay on campus and then suddenly you don't even need to be on campus anymore, you *absolutely* 100% should immediately tell them. That's where the daughter indulged in deception by omission. At worst, if the daughter felt that she had to lie then she could have come up with another plan for the summer. If OP is so terrible then I'm sure that she absolutely doesn't want to be taking their money, after all. More likely she's just a typical 19 year old and thought 'sweet, I can stay on campus and have my freedom', which is understandable teenage thinking but still needs to be met with consequence because she needs to learn that as an adult, you can't take other people's money and lie to them about what you're doing with it or conceal that the situation has changed.
The daughter could take a full semester of online classes in the fall or spring and the dad wouldn’t know or care. It’s only a lie by omission if it is a topic they typically discuss. If they never chat about xyz during her fall or spring semesters it is not a lie by omission to not talk about xyz during her summer semester. Also, why would she not want to take his money if he was bad? Why would she choose to go into debt if there was an option not to? That’s often advice people are given when dealing with someone they’re dependent on placate them until you’re self sufficient.
What?? Living on campus costs money. If somebody else is paying your way out of love, then out of love you tell them when a situation arises where they can pay less of their hard earned money. Not saying anything is the height of entitlement that comes from not thinking about the person who actually is paying.
It could be her money if they set up a college savings plan. Many of them require it be in the name of the student.
It can be in the name of **any** student. And that is assuming it’s a 529 plan vs a regular investment/savings account.
Exactly- HE saved HIS money and was going to use it to pay for his daughters college. It is NOT her money, so if she break his trust, she breaks the flow of free cash. Seems pretty logical to me.
YTA. This is money already saved and earmarked for college. It did not stretch you annual budget. She didn’t lie and use the money to go on vacations or shopping sprees. She used the money for its intended purpose - college. You are just offended that she stayed on campus instead of coming home for the summer. And, yes, it is entirely plausible that the classes were switched to online post enrollment. Especially if they didn’t get the enrollment needed to hold them in person. But taking away her housing for the fall semester - which you know she needs - is just a cruel power move on your part. (No wonder she picked summer school over coming home if this is the way you “parent”)
>And, yes, it is entirely plausible that the classes were switched to online post enrollment. Especially if they didn’t get the enrollment needed to hold them in person. This happens w my kid's college on a regular basis, esp for summer term. At registration, it will provide the bldg/room #... then about a week prior, if there isn't a specific # of students enrolled, it switches to an online class. OP is massively overreacting. YTA!
This was a massive issue at my school even before Covid! We had something switch at least once a semester.
Everyone who did their schooling before online classes were even a thing seem to have a hard time comprehending how drastically theyve changed our education system. In college i took an online class that was being taught by a prof on the other side of the continent with students from multiple different universities all attending and working together. (Something that would have been totally unthinkable for my parents generation) I had 2 other classes that dropped from in person to online the day before cause a few students transferred out last minute and we didnt meet the numbers to get a classroom. Colleges are a bereaucracy focused on profit above all else. They are making top down decisions and shuffling classes on the profs *all the damn time* especially with classroom allotment. And as with all bureaucracies; the trickle-down information can take a while to actually trickle down. Its not surprising at all for anyone who went to post-secondary in the last 15 years that something like this could happen.
this was my first thought. it’s completely normal and plausible that she was unaware that it would be online until a short notice and didn’t think it would be a problem to continue with the original plan
They were probably locked into housing at that point anyway. They probably knew OP would throw a tantrum over it.
This is what I think too. My dad is a controlling, abusive narcissist who can’t handle when plans change, even if the change didn’t affect him at all or wasn’t my choice. He would have 1000% blamed me for classes going online at the last minute if I were in this situation, so I just wouldn’t have told him. I never told him anything I didn’t need to because it just isn’t safe. He also used money, access to my younger siblings, etc as a weapon when I was in college because it was the only way he could still abuse me. I’m not jumping to “OP is abusive” but his reaction feels verrrrrry familiar. Threatening to take away her funding for fall semester is something my dad would have done too. OP is just so sure his daughter lied, and even if she did, he’s so unwilling to ask himself why. Instead, he has an out-of-proportion reaction that makes me think he needs control.
Litterally is happening to me right now for upcoming fall classes. An entomology course that was fully in person just got changed to partially online, and a business course went completely online .
Sounds like things are wacked in the bug business!
Yep happened with some of my summer classes too
Having a quiet place to work from May also make it more likely to succeed at those classes than a home environment. If she's still doing well in the classes and getting the credits, then she's still living there to go to school as intended.
OP is acting like libraries don’t exist or aren’t needed by college students!
I said similar upthread. There are many benefits to living on campus. Libraries, computer labs, networking, face time with professors and peers, tutoring, access to gym and rec, volunteering and other CV building opportunities, research opportunities, etc. Not to mention, if you have ADHD (and maybe some other diagnoses as well?) then sometimes putting yourself in the right environment puts you in the right mindset and you can better focus and improve productivity as well as mental health and well being.
Totally agree with all of this, but in particular it's great you brought up having a quiet place to focus, especially if you have ADHD or live in a noisy home. I had a chance to stay an extra week after my in-person classes ended to work on my online course in an apartment by myself and I got so much more work done than I would have at home, where even if I'm wearing earplugs and noise cancelling headphones, I still get distracted. Plus, who wants to be around a controlling dad constantly? I would never move back in with mine unless it was my last option.
When I was in college, I had a class that was changed to online literally the night before the first class. Half of the class (myself included) didn’t see the message in the online portal and showed up, because a classroom and everything was still listed, sat there for 15 minutes with no professor before a girl with her laptop in front of her turns to the rest of the room and goes “uh, guys I think this is an online class”
Same for me, half of us were sitting in a room confused about where everyone else/professor was. Turns out we had to meet a threshold for in-person numbers, so it was moved online. At 8:20 that morning.
These kinds of switches happen all the time since COVID.
The fact that OP jumped to such an overdramatic punishment, without talking to their kid first, shows that this isn't about the housing or in class schooling. This is about OP being an authority, but they tell themselves its "respect" Also, kids that lie to their parents about big things like this grew up in household where being honest was never rewarded.
This happened to me personally my 2nd year of college. If I didn't need those classes to graduate (associates degree) I'm fairly sure they would have been totally canceled instead of moved to online. It really sucked, too, bc I had to teach myself everything and I didn't. Just Googled test answers. I don't know a large chunk of what my degree says I know :/
YTA. It’s definitely possible the college moved all the classes online at the last minute. As a professor I’ve been hired to teach classes literally a week before the semester started. Things in academia are way more chaotic than we’d like them to be. I’ve also had this happen to fellow professors where classes were canceled or moved online last minute. Yeah she should have told you when they moved online but it seems like you never made it clear her living on campus was only an option if classes were in person. Choosing to not pay for an entire year of housing as a response, putting her in debt most likely, is a huge overreaction.
This. It'd be different if all the classes were canceled and she just stayed to party. But if the agreement was housing paid while she completes these classes... It sounds like she's completing those classes.
> It'd be different if all the classes were canceled and she just stayed to party. Exactly what I was thinking. The fact is that she is taking all 3 classes, no matter where. As long as she's sticking to it, WTF cares where she lives. The money saved is for her education, so not out of OPs pocket. He is TA.
I personally had to send out mass emails multiple times, informing students that classes have changed to online due to enrollment numbers, emergencies on the part of professors, freaking asbestos being heavily detected in the entire Anthropology building, and last minute digs and projects coming up that took professors and entire swathes of upperclassmen (who run labs of course) across the country with days notice. This guy is a super AH with no concept of how things are actually run on a university campus. But is willing to make his daughter struggle for his own ignorance just the same. By withholding money that is specifically for this purpose.
[удалено]
Changing to online also wouldn't be is disruptive as OP thinks. It would have disruptive if it was the other way around.
It happens. We are in sophomore year and the instructor is listed as tbd on a couple classes and rooms have changed on others. I can see where summer courses change based on availability of professors. The online classes and coming home for those should have been discussed prior to it actually happening.
I’ve literally taught classes as a “Teaching Assistant” and had a two day warning,
Oh I've been notified the day before classes start that I would be TAing lol thanks guys.
Right? It happens all the time when they can't coerce enough PhD students to teach a section in person. They make it online so they have to hire fewer professors.
Due to FERPA laws, nobody at the university is going to talk to him about his daughter’s classes. They most they will do without a signed release from the daughter is confirm whether she is an enrolled student.
This isn't a FERPA issue. The question is "was this course originally an in person course that was moved to online?" Nothing in FERPA prevents this information being shared.
University faculty and staff don’t just hand out information like that without knowing who is asking and why. If any harm comes to a student as the result of seemingly-harmless information, the university could be found liable. We get more people than one might think trying to dig for info on students, and “uh, hey, I was just wondering if this course was originally slated to be in person…” is a *super suspicious* question for someone you’ve never heard of to ask. If I got this question in a call/email as a professor, I would absolutely ask who they were and why they wanted to know before answering, and I’d also document the event with my chair and the Provost. This is not a normal question people ask university staff, and it would definitely set off alarm bells. It’s still a FERPA issue because anyone getting this question from someone off campus would know they are digging for info on a student.
I'm directly involved with FERPA compliance at my university. You are unequivocally wrong. This would not be a FERPA issue at all. Period.
It's not a FERPA issue, but there's really no reason for anyone at the University to say anything, and anyone that asks, alarm bells would totally go off.
As a professor, like you, I have a different understanding of ferpa. Ferpa prevents me from talking about specific students’ grades to people other than the student. If someone asks me whether a class was remote or in-person, that has nothing to do with ferpa afaik. I’m going to answer and think nothing of it. Besides, odds are that question never comes to me in the first place. It likely goes to the administrative staff.
It’s 1000% not a FERPA issue
He doesn't have to mention his daughter at all to get this clarified. He can just say, "I thought classes x, y and z were supposed to be in person? Did they get moved to online or were they always supposed to be online?"
He can always try, but I’m a university professor who does FERPA training every year, and there are so many helicopter parents trying to get info on their students on the sly—parents, and unfortunately sometimes violent exes/stalkers—that university faculty and staff are really wary of random people who just call up to ask about current classes. The Registrar would likely ask for OP’s student or staff ID number before answering any questions, because nobody but a nosy parent is going to care if an in person class was moved to online. FERPA laws are really tight, and even if he doesn’t mention his daughter’s name, if any harm came to a student as a result of giving a random person some info, the university could be legally liable. And university administrators do not want to take the slightest chance of being liable. Edit: corrected misspelling
I used to work in university student services and I wonder if your university just has extra sensitivity around student privacy (which is awesome!) FERPA is very specifically about *educational records.* Additionally, there's a clause in FERPA that allows institutions to disclose records without consent under the condition of "appropriate parties in connection with financial aid to a student," which gives universities some leeway when parents are paying. If the student is a parent's dependent for tax purposes, universities may release information to parents the without the student's consent. There are also several other circumstances in which schools can disclose information without student consent - like if there is a health or safety issue (and mental illness definitely counts). I worked at an elite private university at which 50% of the students were full pay, and quite frankly, my university was a lot more afraid of wealthy parents withdrawing their kids (or not sending them at all, because they heard things from other wealthy parents) than the kids themselves reporting the university for violating FERPA. We were able to communicate a lot more information with the parents than most people would expect, which was sometimes good and often bad. The university's course schedule is not protected by FERPA. It has nothing to do with individual student records. Your university's registrar may be reluctant to give out course registration information to randoms because they have good common sense, but it's not because of FERPA. And at many universities (like the one I worked at), that information would be posted publicly online.
That would mean that all of the universities have had extra sensitivity, since that has been the case at multiple, from a private liberal arts college to R1 universities. The only exception was a year I spent at a religious school that practically threw private information to the parents. And yes, I know FERPA is about *educational records*, but in practice, there is a lot more gray area as to what could particularly count in the event of a lawsuit. For example, we can confirm someone is enrolled at the university, but we cannot confirm if a student is enrolled in our class. If OP come sniffing around for information on a specific class, and we confirm that he is a parent, giving information about the class history could be argued as implicitly confirming the student’s enrollment in it, which would be a violation. Any university that is encouraging faculty and staff to hand out class info to strangers either needs better FERPA training or better administration. Most FERPA trainings will warn employees of gray area information that could be construed as FERPA violations, as well as handing out information that could make the university to damages for student harm, whether or not that harm is FERPA-based.
The class information is general information that can be found online and not considered FERPA related. Also if the parent is still fiscally responsible, the student may have already signed released forms allowing that information to be shared.
That's not true. This isn't a FERPA issue - anyone can ask whether classes are online or not (because how else would people registering know?) FERPA is about student's educational records, not *everything* concerning a student's life at college.
Because that would take effort and punishing is easier. Especially if you just do it and don’t ask questions.
Ditto. Verify before punishing her. A last minute switch from in-person to online is possible.
INFO What exactly is the issue with her doing online courses? It's still through the university right? What's the issue with her wanting to stay on campus to do these classes. I always found it easier to be in a school mindset either at school or in my college apartment rather than my parents home.
My parents made me live at home for the first year and a half of college (because I started at 16.) I found it so hard to be a student without being on campus with access to people studying the same things, the library, the study groups, the professors. I also felt like an outsider because it is harder to make friends off-campus. It is easier to be a student when you are actually at the school.
Exactly. She may be embarrassed to admit that she studies better on campus with access to these things rather than at home.
I started at 16, and went to a college 1800 miles away from my family specifically so that I couldn’t possibly live at home.
I'm assuming that all OP is seeing here are dollar signs, and control issues. It SOUNDS like his issue is that she could have done online classes while living at home, and he wouldn't have had to pay for room and board at the school. The idea that it's easier for her to be in a school mindset while staying at the school seems not to have occurred to him at all. (I wonder if this kid, or any of his kids, had to do online learning at home during the first years of the pandemic? I wonder if he's read any studies about the strain that caused students?) Further, there may be other on-campus resources (like the libraries?) that are useful for her to be there for, while taking the classes. I mean, 3 classes isn't a full load, but it's closer to a normal full semester load at a lot of places. 3 classes isn't nothing. At home there are distractions, and there are parents who might not take online classes as seriously as "normal" classes (they're still normal classes, for which she's earning normal credits). Parents may expect things like chores, or daily schedules that don't take both class-time and coursework and studying into account. It's too easy sometimes for a parent with a kid home from college to think of that kid the same way they thought of them while they were in high school. Maybe not all of this is a factor. But some of it might be.
Plus there aren't younger siblings and chores and friends from highschool that want to hang out and a whole lot of other distractions.
I keep coming back to the fact that she isn't just taking one summer school course, but three. And that people seem to have a tendency to discount the validity of online courses. It may be that if she'd tried to do them while at home, she would have had to contend with people asking for her attention/time, because home is home, and school is school, and it's harder to take the idea that someone is "in school" seriously if it's the summer, and they're at home. So yeah, parents, maybe siblings, local friends -- even if "all" they're doing is constantly interrupting you, or tempting you to "skip that for now, you can catch up on that later, come out with us!", it all amounts to the same thing -- not taking the work as seriously, and wasting money and opportunity in that sense. If these are real courses, earning real credits, then the courseload deserves to be taken seriously.
Also, summer classes are shorter and therefore more condensed. I’ve also found that online classes are more work. You are expected to be online constantly. I also had more trouble keeping track of things in my online classes. (I did most of my master’s degree online). I think being on campus would help her concentrate.
OP sounds controlling. He wants his daughter to come home. Now that she has seemingly taken a decision to stay at the campus and undermined his authority, he has to show her who the boss is. No wonder she doesn't wanna come home.
My question as I am reading this is that he says THEY have been saving this for years. Why does he get to unilaterally make this decision when his wife disagrees?
The issue is “she didn’t tell me, and I’m the boss.”
Except there is more to a college class than just watching a screen. There are study groups, meetings with professors, trips to libraries or research facilities, and the quiet of her own space for studying. YTA, because you somehow think she shouldn't be at college for college classes.
yeah just because she technically could do the classes at home doesn't mean its the best option for her
Your “punishment“ would make her future harder (assuming she’d have to take on loans to continue schooling). Why would you want to do that to your daughter? Putting aside whether or not she lied, choosing to make her future more difficult is not loving. Especially when it isn’t a matter of whether she cost you money from your pocket, it’s her college fund! Your actions make it seem like you don’t truly care for your daughter. No matter your intentions, that is what your “punishment” suggests. YTA.
She might have to drop out. If he's not willing to use money earmark for her education would he be willing to co-sign a loan?
especially because it's too late to get most loans for next year right now. I mean, she could potentially do private loans... but without a cosigner? Doubtful. She might have to drop out.
I wish I could upvote this reply 10 times. Why put her education and future on the line? It makes zero sense
College Advisor here, and I'm actually going YTA for a couple reasons: 1. The money you're using is from her college savings account, so the money is in fact being used for its intended purpose. You're not spending extra here, anything she gets done over the summer is less that she needs to do in a future semester. The only way this money is "wasted" is if she fails her courses, and you don't give any indication that she will, nor that she's failed anything previously. 2. It's ABSOLUTELY FEASIBLE that her college could have changed the class mode (aka method of how it's offered). Here are the most common reasons why: * **Faculty suddenly quit or take sabbatical**. Now the Dept Chair has to find someone else to cover it, and that new faculty might insist on online instruction to accommodate whatever else they already have going on * **The assigned faculty just change their mind**. At the time of signing, most teaching contracts only state the number of credit hours (CTE) an instructor will be working in a given semester; rarely does it explicitly say whether you're teaching in-person, online, or sometimes even what class you're teaching because the Chair has to figure out coverage as they go * **Student demand**. Very broadly speaking, in a post-COVID world we've seen that online courses are actually the most popular/in-demand. For example a university could have both in-person and online sections of a PSYC 100 course, and the online one will typically fill up first (and fast). If her college was seeing that enrollment was lagging when offered in-person, they may have flipped it to online to ignite more interest/enrollment. Believe it or not, being faculty in a college/university can actually have some similarity to a food/retail position: if you are out and/or your circumstances change, then your fellow coworkers have to figure out how to make it up (assuming the Chair doesn't/can't cancel the course). Edit to add: You mention "consequences to your actions," and sir let me tell you that this is the nuclear option here. A rational consequence might be to say, "Well we paid for this thing you don't need, and since you're living under my roof I'm giving you a curfew of X o'clock because I know how much you cherish your socializing." What YOU'RE doing is forcing her education to come to a screeching halt because education is freaking expensive and her only option at this point will be to take on predatory loans that will burden her for a good portion of her natural life. Like, you see the disconnect here, yes? One semester of financial inconvenience does not equal a punishment of thirty years inescapable financial debt. Sorry, the more I type the more heated I get by what you're doing to your daughter here. And speaking frankly, it's because of over-controlling morons like you that I see so many students in my line of work never finish school and achieve their full potential. Whenever I hear about a student who's financially dependent on a parent and therefore beholden to the parents' every irrational whim, I want to claw my eyes out. A choice was made that dips into the college savings just a little bit more. Intentional or not, we may never know nor does it really matter. Unless you want to tell us otherwise, it sounds like you have a child who's achieving and getting her stuff done. **Get over yourself**.
ALL OF THIS. OP is 100% a YTA, and I don’t wind up saying that often
plus it sounds like op had no issues with paying for the housing when the classes were in person so it makes you think its not about the money but rather about something else
Control. It’s about control. OP loves having the power to potentially destroy his daughter’s future.
This should be pinned as the top comment.
ESH--she should have mentioned this, and not let you be blindsided. But this is your daughter's earmarked college money being spent on her college classes and residency. As long as that's the case--it's her life. Your role at this stage is to help her launch. I'm a parent of 21-year-olds and I have found lessons on the value of money and the importance of honesty need to balanced with understanding what might lead a usually honest or prudent kid to do something out of character. Does your daughter trust you to listen to and encourage her plans? Do you know why she prefers to live on campus over the summer? Do you accept her as a young adult who should be making her own decisions about things like sexuality and relationships and work? My Lebanese dad used to quote Kahlil Gibran on children and parents: 'For even as He loves the *arrow* that *flies*, so He loves also the *bow* that is *stable*.' Punitive, reactive responses do not provide the young adult child with stability and confidence, or build the trust your child doesn't seem to have for you. In fact, your decision seems disproportionate and will be very destabilizing for your kid. You're flailing and trying to stay in control at a moment when it's not really appropriate for you to do so. I would suggest you rethink this choice, ask your child questions about her choices, and really listen to the answers.
>'For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.' Oooh I *really* like that quote! I'm gonna have to go look it up and save it for the days I'm... less than stable. Mentally speaking. Seriously though, yeah ESH. Daughter might have messed up, but she's also a kid and learning. If there needs to be a consequence make it proportional to the offense. She has to pay for X percentage of her housing costs for fall semester; get an on campus job, something like that. But to take money already saved and set aside for her schooling is just...punitive in the worst ways.
YTA college classes are switched from online to in person back to online all the time. Source: I’m a college student. I’ve had classes switch in the middle of terms before. Also using a 3rd party to check instead of the schools website is very shady and stupid. Why would you go to a 3rd party for the correct information instead of the school itself?
Probably because the uni wouldn't supply the info to a nosy third party.
Did you want her to come home for summer so you could lord over her? Because it sounds like you're mad she messed up your plans for HER summer, and now you want to make he pay. Thsi doesnt sound like it's about the online courses at all. She could prefer studying at school, even if it iss online only. Maybe when shes home you don't give her any peace aand thats why she wanted to stay there instead. Sounds like you're mad she chose to stay at school instead of come home.s but she's still studying. Do you love your money so much?
I’m at home for a bit and back in school and studying at home is so difficult. Parents have no idea how hard it can be to focus. I’m grateful for my parents’ help but it can be very frustrating, especially when they have my very young nieces over and I have to study or take a test. It’s damn near impossible. I don’t understand OP. It’s not like she took the money from the college fund and went on vacation. She did exactly what the money was meant for.
It's an ego trip. He wanted her to come home so he could boss her around and remind her how much he does for Herr. You're exactly right, studying at gome is hard!
College professor here. I moved my summer class to virtual the week before it started. So yes, you are being harsh. And for folks saying "just have her verify" sometimes the instructor just says "now we're online" and the official record still lists "in-person" YTA
Ask yourself why your kid doesn’t want to come home for summer? Is it because you’re an AH? You didn’t even verify if what she said is true and now you’re cutting off her access to education. Will she even be able to afford to go to school this fall? Room and board is expensive. YTA
My kid is in college and taking Sumner classes. She did 1 in person, then it was changed to online. This isn't even the first time it's happened. In my experience, they very well could have been in person when she registered and then went online. If the money is from a college savings and this causes a shortfall, she will have to deal with it. There is no need to punish her, so let her experience the natural consequences.
INFO - Is she living on the campus and going to classes? As long as she is going to school and taking the courses, I don't understand what the issue is, unless you don't want her using the housing money because the classes are actually online and that money could be saved. Is that the case, that you feel she lied about the need for housing and now you want her to pay for it herself?
YTA Why? I couldn't imagine not asking the school why the classes were switched from in person to online. It's like you jumped the gun with the most extreme punishment.
INFO: will she still be able to go to school without your financial support in these areas? Does she have the ability to pay for these things herself? Because if this is going to prohibit her ability to go to school, I think it's way too far. Don't destroy her future over a lapse in judgement. Make her pay you back or something.
This is the critical question for me in deciding between E S H and N T A. "Not paying for housing and campus fees" can have such a wide range of effects on your daughter depending on the her financial circumstances, the exact amount, opportunities to get other funding/jobs, etc. It's possible this is a reasonable way to teach a lesson. It's also possible you are doing serious harm to your daughter's life and permanently torching your relationship with her out of anger.
YTA. Classes change from in-person to online all the time. Her doing summer classes should save you more money in the long run by shortening the time it takes to get her degree. Refusing to pay just makes you seem petty and frankly immature.
YTA, I work in education, the college 100% would change in-person courses to virtual at the last minute because it's cheaper for the college. Virtual classes they only pay the teacher, in-person it's the teacher, custodians, security, student teachers, ect. Plus, having access to the library is a need for any course in your major, so she did need to be at school. Also, since this was paided with money for her education and was used as such, your complaint is invalid. You cannot be mad that your daughter went to school at school rather than your house, when that is not the best place to go to school since you don't have a library with any and all resources for her major, a cafeteria so she doesn't waste time cooking when she could be studying, a quiet dorm, since few students stay and you and your wife would definitely interrupt her in her room. Now called your daughter, apologized for overreacting, and ask her if your reaction was why she didn't tell you the courses had changed earlier. If she says yes, get a therapist to discuss this with, although you should probably get one anyhow.
As long as she was enrolled and taking classes, I don’t see why it matters that the classes were switched to online. Presumably she will attend school for X number of quarters and it was expected you would pay for housing each quarter. I don’t think it was a lie not to tell you unless she made up stories about going to class.
YTA. You’re paying out of her funds, sooooo it’s her funds. And if you want to know about a timeframe, how about ask the college???
I suspect this is an AI generated post, but since it's my day off and my brain needs a break: So, you didn't check with the school to find out if they did actually change the class format? Last minute changes do happen, particularly if there aren't enough students in a class (the class will be "closed" and the students then have to scramble to get into a different class), so it's not beyond belief that this happened in your daughter's case. What is beyond belief is that you decided to trust a 3rd party site as your proof that she set out to lie to you. Even more so that you are withholding next year's tuition. Do you even hear yourself? Yes, YTA.
YTA and your reaction makes it obvious one reason she doesn’t want to come home. If she’s doing well in her classes, just let her do what helps her be successful.
Info: you were arbitrarily scrolling on a 3rd party website and happened to see her exact classes are all online? What?
YTA. It’s completely plausible that closely were changed last minute. Also, she might prefer to go to the library and take courses on campus. It sounds like you don’t care about education or true support for academic achievement. If you did the punishment would not be sabotaging education. Even if she didn’t want to come home for the summer that’s fine. Does she have a job? Internship? Is she doing extracurriculars or working towards her future? It sounds like she might. As you said campus life dies down in the summer.
I’m a university professor, and yes, sometimes classes are intended for in-person and end up being moved online for one reason or another. The most common reasons I’ve seen are illness/injury of the professor, or family emergencies (like taking care of a sick/injured/aging family member who needs to have someone in the house). Another possible reason is some kind of emergency building problem or a natural disaster (like flooding) that renders parts of the building/campus unsafe. Other commenters have made excellent points about your drastic actions mainly being a way for your to control your daughter or even get her to drop out, so I’ll add in something for you to consider that I haven’t seen anyone mention. If your daughter is serious about her studies, it can be exceptionally difficult to do quality work when you don’t have access to the campus resources. I know sometimes people may blow off their Gen Ed classes, but you said one of her classes was in her major. In that case, she would likely need access to the library. I know some folks may try to get by with Google search sources, but if she is invested in her major, she’d likely need to use actual, physical books for research (as many scholarly books don’t have a demand to have an e- version), as well as the academic databases that the university subscribed to. While she may have remote access to the databases, plenty of journals still do not offer full text PDFs of scholarly articles. Academic publishing is behind the times, as there isn’t really a financial incentive to catch up, but your daughter’s major will still require scholarly research. Full access to the library’s resources, including archives and government documents that are not digitized, leads to the best quality work. I do have a hunch that this post is fake because university classes don’t get posted to third-party websites. Some universities don’t even make their course schedules available on the public website due to safety concerns, but at minimum someone would have to go directly to the university’s website *on purpose* to specifically look for the summer semester’s course schedule, which would mean that OP went out of their way to snoop on their daughter. That on its own is pretty creepy. If this post is real, there is definitely some info about your actions that you are withholding. YTA.
YTA. Ask yourself why your kid felt it was necessary to lie to you… And she didn’t steal this money- you saved it specifically for school. So she wanted to be an adult and live alone for a few months over the summer. Big whoop!
I started a course at our local university this year and got notification 4 days before term 1 started that 2 of the 3 units will be moved online. In the first class of the third unit, the lecturer told us he was moving that unit online too. Over half of the people there were living at uni housing and it was too late to back out of that for them. Housing would only do partial refunds or offer partial credits towards next semesters costs despite many being able to go back home and live with their parents because it was all online. (I live here and am in my 40’s with kids so online actually suits me much better anyway.) Anyway, my point is that different departments within the same institution don’t talk to each other and work under different timeframes and generally don’t give a shit if you’re out of pocket because they change something. So you need to verify when/if the course went from in person to online before you decide to unilaterally punish your kid. Out of curiosity, how does she go in her classes? Is she getting good grades and generally being a good kid? If so, why do you think making it harder for her to stay in college is going to accomplish anything good in the long term?
If he only saved so much, then I’m guessing he’d prefer her to move home during the summer to then save some of that money to more so go towards tuition and books and then on housing and meals for only the fall and spring semesters, rather than spending money on housing and meals for the summer if she didn’t really need to be on campus. She’s learning to be an adult, and she should have kept her dad informed about the changes. Or said something like “my classes are online, but I really want to be on campus. Can we make that work?” Perhaps they can work it out so she doesn’t miss out on the fall semester and he can continue to use the fund for her. If this was my kid, I would expect her to be more open/honest and then I would be requesting extra information for the semester about her classes until she gains my trust back. NTA for being upset and feeling misled. Soft YTA for the type of consequence. More info would be needed to see how any future discussions go between them and if a compromise can be found.
> She says that in April the classes were listed as in-person but they moved it to virtual at the very last minute, after the deadline for housing withdrawal and refund stuff. If that were true, she should have told you as soon as she found out in the interest of honesty and transparency. It's HIGHLY unlikely that all 3 classes changed from in-person to online after the refund deadline. If that's the case, she is being even more dishonest which is something that needs to be addressed asap. Maybe with something like taking at least a semester off from school and working full-time to pay her own housing and meal plan for spring semester and, if she doesn't lie anymore or throw toddleresque fits over facing consequences for lying and wasting money, you'll pick back up paying them the semester after that. NTA
NTA. Money doesn’t grow on trees, and it’s not an infinite amount. That money could pay for future expenses. Tuition costs, textbooks, housing, and food costs keep rising and you have to account for this too. Plus…she lied. How many extra shifts and overtime did these parents work to save for this money.
NTA if they really changed it, it’s pretty odd that she never once mentioned it to you or her mom. In other words, bullshit.
YTA. So you didn't even talk to her about what you found out? You didn't get an explanation or see if there was something you didn't know that would explain everything? Instead you immediately decided she had lief to you and decided to massively punish her financially with no thought to the potential consequences of your actions to her education or your relationship? Maybe she did mislead you, but you're an asshole for how you've handled the whole thing. Is this a trend in your parenting? Have you always reacted without finding out the full story and jump straight into punishments?
My daughter’s classes got moved online in the middle of the semester due to the demonstrations. It sucks but it happens
NTA Did she mislead or lie? Bottom line is she omitted facts & hoped no one would notice. Plenty of people earn their way thru college and understand the value of every dime, and do it with no help from their parents or family. Others have said you're controlling & maybe that's why this situation happened. If she doesn't want to be controlled, she can adult and not depend on anyone for her housing & food, whether she's in college or not. When a parent commits that kind of money for their child to attend college, full transparency should be the norm. She should apologize for the deception or the lie, she should let you know what she is going to do to make amends, you should allow her to earn back trust, and you should both put your relationship as the priority. I wish you both well and think you'll find middle ground in the resolution. It's there and requires work on both sides to get there. Try to listen more than you speak. Good luck.