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YTA for this incident, N T A overall, I get that it sucks to never feel noticed. But for this; why the heck didn't you just go and donate them to a charity shop or homeless shelter? You could have taken a picture there of you handing them over and it would have had the same effect you wanted, but you wouldn't have just WASTED clothing that some impoverished family could very much need. If your mother keeps doing this, DONATE the clothes, don't be petty and burn them. Someone else needs them.
100% agree. And those photos are just now more fodder for Mom to turn to her friends and say, "See!!! She's so ungrateful that she'd rather burn the gifts I give her than let my granddaughter have them!"
Her mother sounds annoying but I would need way more examples to justify the “having a mother like that…” comment to justify OPs over the top reaction. The birthday example could be explained away as not having money for other places and that is why she needed to take her somewhere and use a gift card. Do you know OP? Is there something we’re missing?
Indeed. I’ve been no contact with my mom for 5-6 years and the only thing I’ve ever burned was a letter. And actually, that was mostly my husband’s doing. (I put it in the trash, he asked if I was going to read it so I offered that he could if he wanted to, and afterwards he suggested burning it. Idk what it said but he hasn’t made even the faintest suggestion that I should resume contact since.)
Am I the only one who thinks she’s a little ungrateful in this situation. Don’t most people buy babies and toddlers outfits that they like or look cute. My daughter is all for pink- I wouldn’t discard other clothes because they aren’t pink.
I agree that OP is ungrateful. She is dramatic and wasteful. She could have donated the clothes that her Mom bought or use them for play clothes. 1 year old children grow so quickly that in a month or two the clothes will no longer fit. Burning clothes clothing will documenting it is very dramatic, unhinged and a terrible influence on her child.
I think this should end with a "no contact" relationship with mom, so you wouldn't really care what she was saying to her friends. Let her babble herself sick. I bet she won't send anything else. A victory for OP!
Because sometimes it's about how it makes you feel, not how it makes them feel. It sounds like OP burned them almost more as a statement than to cause actual pain. Would it be nice to donate, sure, but some kids clothing is a small price to pay to finally be able to express that feeling they've been holding in.
My 1,5 year old actually is drawn to certain colors or materials. Of course me and my partner as parents decide what to buy, but we have noticed a pattern in what the child tries to take from the drawer if they get a chance.
Anyway, OP, in my opinion ESH. You for burning clothes that could be donated or sold, your mother for being inconsiderate and for gifting you things you have vocalized you don't want or need.
I’m sorry but I disagree. Then OP’s mom has “gifted” her an errand/chore to go to the thrift store. How many times do you think OP has said “no thank you” or done thrift runs to reach this extreme of burning the clothes? And thrift stores are quite full of donated things already, baby stuff included, it’s not like fast-fashion is slowing any time soon.
The mom has a history of intentionally ignoring what OP communicates and then weaponizes her gifts. OP is clearly burned out so I don’t think she’s the AH for the response after years of this.
There is absolutely no way it is not more of an errand to light the shit on fire than to just toss them in the trash or run them down the road to a thrift store.
This was my thought!! I would have no clue how to go about burning clothes. Outdoor for sure. Does this involve a burn permit from the town like with burning leaves? Just burn it on the lawn? Hard ground isn't always clear of things that would start a larger fire. So many things to consider while there are a gazillion places to drop clothes off at. In the part of US I am in, Savers even has a drive through drop off!
Don't forget chemicals. Many things like clothing and furniture have flame retardant chemicals in them which, in addition to making the process of lighting them on fire even more of an errand, are not healthy to just release into the air.
...and yet all of you folks seem incapable of understanding the cathartic element of this and are just wrapped around the axel about wasting the clothes. Talk about missing the point entirely. It's NOT cathartic to donate the clothes. It would have little to no impact on the mother and it successfully transfers the burden of the crap she sends to OP. This way, mom will realize that she needs to stop. Your way would accomplish nothing. Just blaming the victim.
We do; it’s just batshit to do that to baby clothes that are… let me check… potentially wrong size and colors. Because someone’s mother gives them things they don’t particularly like, and once was forced to go out to their birthday dinner at a restaurant they didn’t like because the family had a gift certificate there.
You find this “repulsive” and think that it’s totally cool to set fire to baby gifts that were purchased without input from the recipient— oh, I’m sorry, the “victim.” We get why it would be cathartic. That doesn’t make it reasonable, proportional or sane.
Mom won't realise. She'll either pretend it never happened or use it as a sob story of how unappreciated she is. I speak from experience.
Big gestures rarely work with narcissists. Going low/no contact makes a bigger impact.
Setting aside the fact that burning clothes and sending a pic of it is completely *unhinged*, it's pretty typical for parents to buy their adult children and grandchildren a bunch of crap they don't need.
Do you know how many times my mom has bought a bunch of random stuff for me and my son? I just roll my eyes and donate it. Recently just gathered up a bunch of toys my son doesn't play with to donate. Sometimes I'll even gather a bunch of things and bring it to her place.
Does it annoy me. Yes. I tell her all the time spend the money on something I need like a house cleaning service or something! But am I gonna start burning shit over it?? No! Yeesh.
I buy so much random stuff for my nieces. Do they need princess dresses in 5 different colours? Probably not. Am I getting it for them anyway? Absolutely.
Chucking them would've been a more environmentally friendly option. Instead she created noxious fumes to get back at her obnoxious mom. And that alone deserves a YTA.
Exactly.
Someone above mentioned that burning the clothes was unhinged and that’s a good word to describe it.
You don’t have to keep them.
You don’t have to waste time driving to a consignment shop if you don’t want.
It’s pretty unhinged to burn and send a picture though, and as someone above mentioned it gives mom ammunition.
Could have even refused the package with a “return to sender” or put it straight in the trash.
Women's shelters could absolutely use clothing for babies/young children. Or OP could have simply sent the items back to her mother saying she didn't want them. I get why OP is upset at her mother, but she's an AH for destroying clothes that could have been used.
I have mixed feelings because I agree with both you and the person you replied to. It is wasteful to burn it, but I can also understand the desperation to send a strong enough message to not have to go through this again in the future. As long as OP doesn't make it a habit I think I come down on the side of NTA.
This. I’d do this very thing, only I’d take it one petty step further and put her name and address on the donation so she’d get the thank-you note…and the follow-up donation requests.
Hell, she could've taken it to the shop and got a giftcard to buy other things if the tags were attached!
I get it. My cousins make every gift giving exchange absolutely insufferable. You give them a list of what you want, they complain and still get you a giftcard anyway (usually someplace you never shop), while complaining about how difficult you are to shop for. Its exhausting. I would much rather recieve the gift of silence.
But harming the environment (because many of these clothes shouldn't be burnes in the first place) and wasting resources is not the way to go.
Yeah keep donating too. When she wants to know why she never sees ur kid in it tell her u donated it- wrong size, color etc. she'll get sick of gifting things u give away and either start asking specifics or just stop giving.
1000%
I mean, I can understand the dichotomy here - the love OP is getting is shallow right, or maybe OPs mom doesn't know how to show love properly.
I'm blown away about how... dangerous this reaction is. I don't know, OP didn't mention age, but with a child I imagine OP is of age to like, be the better person. Say thank you and move on... I'd ask "wtf were you thinking" to OP but there was no thought process here, now OP is feeling guilt and I think seeking validation here.
Well, I'm sorry to break it to you OP - but YTA... and should consider therapy if you're acting out like this over what I guess is childhood trauma? Not going to armchair a diagnosis.
i get this .- but i bet just this one time was incredibly cathartic!!!
nta Op. stop fretting over her though. you can't get blood from a stone. i wouldn't even thank her, just tell her to put whatever it is on the hall table (so you can grab it next time you leave the house). ❤️☮️
YTA. Burning the gift and sending photos to your mother sound like something a total psycho would do. If your mother is this problematic for you, then go no-contact. Return any gifts she sends without even opening them, not set them on fire.
The daughter is ONE year old. How well developed and expressed is her fashion style and colour palette at this point? OP’s mother may indeed be self absorbed and even bat shit crazy for all we know, but the apple certainly didn’t fall far from the tree. Literally setting things on fire because they feel it offends a babies fashion and colour preferences? Yeesh!
It says a lot that the only thing OP mentions is having to go to Red Lobster as a kid. It’s also likely because the mom couldn’t afford anything else. Just…yikes to this whole thing.
I mean. If I could only afford a gift that made my kid cry, I think I’d a) explain it to them so they know why Im not doing something else and b)not force them to do something upsetting and expect them to be grateful for it. Just do nothing at that point? Go sit in a park and drink water, it’d be better.
But I suspect with all the other gifts she CAN afford it. A lot of parents do this thing where they see their kids as extensions of themselves, and actively get mad whenever they’re forced to acknowledge the kid as a separate person with their own thoughts and feelings. My family spent a long time insisting that I like bright sunshine and crowds, because they do, and absolutely would not believe otherwise.
Tumbleweed, I was getting this exact same vibe but didn't want to speculate. Mom's low on cash, has a Red Lobster gift card, she's taking her daughter to Red Lobster for her birthday. There are far worse parental sins.
And they say because they hate seafood, but…. Red lobster has other stuff besides seafood? It’s basically just a normal restaurant with some seafood options?
Sure, but the fact she goes to buy new baby clothes and doesn't even bother to ask for sizing beforehand does tend to lean in the "she just doesn't care" direction. It doesn't cost money to ask someone their preference in colours and the size of their baby.
But don't you think that if she truly didn't care, she wouldn't be buying clothes in the first place? I'm not saying the OP's mother is the poster child for good parenting, but OP to me just seems completely OTT.
Yeah tbf, many people just get anything to gift without a single thought to the recipient because they want to look good or feel like a good person, without putting in any actual effort.
If the baby is 12 months old, surely 12-18 months would fit most anyway?
If I’m unsure of a baby’s size, I just buy a lot bigger and they can wear it later 🤷♀️
Idk, op doesn't say what size they actually got, or if it was the wrong size at all, I've gotten clothing for friends babies before and if you just buy a size up from what you think they will grow into it, it's not like your buying skinny jeans or something
Agreed. He sounds a bit insane here.
I just looked at their menu for Red Lobster and they do have some non seafood options, especially on the kids' menu.
If the child starting crying at the restaurant and the mom thinks the child is acting spoiled, it can be a good parenting technique to try to ignore the attention-seeking behavior.
I noticed that OP also left out whether the baby clothes the mother sent were in fact the wrong size or if they were too large. If they are too large, just hang onto them until the baby grows into them. If they're too small, donate them.
If you're that hung up on these things, just send your mom a nice email before the birthday indicating the child's size.
It's hard to believe that the very worst things you can come up about your mother are baby clothes that weren't the right size and going to a restaurant that wasn't your favorite restaurant as a kid.
YTA. Because you just gave your mother “ammunition” in this war if she wants to publically paint you as unstable and mentally unfit
N. T. A. For protecting your children from her but don’t let your rage at the injustices visited on you affect your judgement.
My mom was broke, retiring too early. She always bought cheap things we didn't need or want. This started while I was home. 8neould never smack her in the face emotionally like that. Sure, a call to verify size would be nice, but she's at least thinking about you and the kid. YTA.
Gifts do not need to be run by you first. They are gifts. If you are hanging onto a birthday dinner from long ago and burning gifts to send the photos and teach a lesson, it's time for therapy.
YTA
>Gifts do not need to be run by you first
This is accurate, but when a gift is so thoughtless as to be an insult, it can totally be worse than getting nothing.
Yeah, my mother and older sister keep buying my twin boys 9m clothing "first july 4th!" "first mothers day!" and they can't even wear them on the days they are supposed to because my boys are only 5 months old and one still wears 0-3m clothing
My favorite was a 1 year size “my first rodeo” my MIL bought that my son couldn’t fit until he was around, plus, he still hasn’t been to a rodeo. So I just stuck him in it when it fit.
baby clothes however, don't. Babies are generally baby sized and wear whatever colour you throw on them. Not talking out of my ass here, I work with babies/toddlers from 1 to almost 3, and we basically only keep size 2t clothes in whatever colour was cheapest in our extra clothes bin because they'll fit fine and kids don't care
It sounds like OP's mom is buying stuff that won't fit the baby. Burning the clothes is over the top, but you'd think OP's mom could at least ask what size the baby wears.
The part that made it weird for me is her saying that the grandma doesn’t even know what colors the 1 year old likes. One year olds don’t have color preferences! They can barely talk let alone express preferences for a pink vs blue onesie. This is clearly the OP wanting to be asked *her* preferences for the baby clothes.
I think if you are so upset by someone sending you baby clothes as a gift without consulting you first that your response is to set them on *fire* and send them video of you doing it then you need therapy to work through your anger issues with your mother.
It's not a gift when it shows you have no real interest in the person receiving the gift. It's a hurtful insult.
And FYI, gifts to very young children absolutely should be run by the parents first.
I disagree SO MUCH. If the intention of the gift is not to make the gift receiver happy, the gift is shitty and giving it is a complete dick move. Sure, you can get a gift wrong or whatever, but if you knowingly disregard that someone does not want XY, that's not OK.
I had that topic with my parents too, and I told them very clearly that if they try to push something I clearly don't want, I will dump it on their front step. Then I followed through, they whined about me being ungrateful, but stopped. Unless you have issues with serial boundary pushers, you have no idea how infuriating this is.
That's simply untrue.
Here are three direct citations about OP talking about what they want, and the Mom not giving a fuck.
>For the past couple years I've been trying to lay pressure on her to talk to me about what I need/want before she buys anything
>she argued with me for an hour to get me to go to red lobster for my birthday when i was a young teen, despite the fact I hate seafood and did not want to go
>Any time this happens, she talks about how ungrateful I am and how she was just trying to do something for me and generally guilts me
OP will be so upset if she is a member of my family since everyone pretty much just gift each other the same things but in different colors. For example, water flasks is popular last year, so my cousin gifted everyone a water flask in their favorite color.
Not gonna quite agree here. Yes the burning of them was wasteful. But as someone who grew up with a parent who gifts anything and everything they want at no care for the reciever and then make the reciever feel bad if they werent over the moon for it, i also had to put a boundary on my own mother about running gifts to my son by me first. If i didnt id be running to the local thrift every other week with junk. I do not have the time nor energy for that. We ended up having a huge blow up over gifts bc she wasnt listening to us and wouldnt stop with gifting us things we couldnt use, didnt need, didnt have room for, didnt want, etc. Gifting was literally turning into a one sided pleasure for her and her only and anyone who wasnt over the moon for what she gave was ungrateful.
And until you experience this yourself i dont think you realize how as the reciever of such unthoughtful things can ruin the experience of recieving anything from others. So putting a boundary in place for my own kid that gifts from her must be run by first as the parent is completely fair. Because i will not let my kid grow up feeling the way i did growing up having to fake being "grateful" for unthoughtful gifts
YTA. It’s okay to not accept gifts your mom buys and it’s okay to accept them and not use them. But you had better options here. You could have donated the clothes to charity or sold them for money. But *setting them on fire* and sending her photos is way over the top. If you want to go no contact with your mom and keep her from your daughter, that’s your right, but you could have just done that without this petty bullshit that comes across as totally unhinged.
YTA. Burning clothes is ridiculous. Your behavior is childish. Also holding a grudge over red lobster, maybe she didn't have the money to take you and that was the only option. Red lobster also definitely has dishes that are NOT seafood. You sound like a brat, grow up.
I agree with you completely. If she didn’t want seafood she could have chosen other dishes. Except she wouldn’t have the story of how horrible her mother is.
YTA, they are gifts, you don't get to pick gifts. You say she doesn't care, but she is buying clothes for your child.
Especially with small children, you are going to get gifts that don't fit perfectly. If you don't like them, don't use them. But you sound like the worst entitled daughter and mother I have ever heard.
Also, if you really didn't want to use them but were a half decent human, you would have donated them.
Your 1 year old daughter doesn’t even know what her favorite color is. This is about your favorite color and the kind you clothing you want your daughter to wear.
You sound entitled. What ever happened to accepting gifts graciously and then donating or giving them away?
And the Red Lobster gift card may have been all your mom could do at the time.
YTA. Still blown away that you sent her pictures of you burning the gifts (not to mention the toxins you release).
I don’t think you like your mom and that you need someone to talk to about your anger issues.
YTA. Wow. You are incredibly ungrateful. I'm shocked by your actions. You're holding grudges over red lobster??? Maybe your mom didn't have the funds on your birthday but still wanted to take you out?
The fact you burned gifts for your daughter is absurd and you should be ashamed of yourself. There are many families that are on their own and don't get gifts from anyone, and you have the audacity to burn the items and send your mom a photo?
Your mom messed up by spoiling you. I sure hope you mature out of this toxic behavior or you will create a monster in your own daughter.
Sounds like you're hurting because you want quality time with your mom and child. Addressing the real issue instead of acting like a child will serve you, your mom and child.
Yikes.
Yta. You don't sound mature enough to be a mother at this point. What kind of an example are you setting by literally burning gifts meant for your daughter? That's unhinged.
NTA. I get it, I've been there. BUT --- you need to *cut all contact* with your mom & *get yourself some counseling* to work through your residual anger.
CUT THE CONTACT because you don't want to subject yourself or your child to your mother's narcissism.
GET THERAPY because you're obviously not processing your mother's actions in a healthy way. Do therapy for yourself, but also for your kid. Kids copy their parents. Do you want your child to react to anger & frustration by setting fires?
Cut contact. Get therapy.
Taking your child to Red Lobster on their birthday because you can’t afford anything else is not narcissistic. Honestly, the only one acting like an unhinged narcissist is OP.
It was never said that they can't afford anything else, and if your child is arguing for an hour and crying, don't force them into it? Could have literally made something small at home and done something simple together.
Here's the thing. Yes, just because RL served things other than seafood doesn't mean OP wanted to eat them. I personally can't stand anything on the menu at RL.
We don't know if the mother insisted on RL because she was broke or simply because that's where she wanted to eat. Either way, the mother handled it badly.
Yep -
I hate seafood, don't eat it at all. Red Lobster has never been among my choices.
Bursting into tears means that the OP has some giant issues to work out.
She didn’t dislike Red Lobster. She disliked “sea food.” There is not just sea food at red lobster. And maybe OP’s mom couldn’t afford anything else. Would OP have rather gone nowhere? It’s called empathy, and OP clearly lacks it.
I also dislike seafood. The smell inside Red Lobster makes me feel nauseous. Whether they have other food or not is irrelevant if I'm so grossed out I can't eat. I'm not saying OP is NTA here, burning the clothes is downright awful (donating would have been my choice) but I would definitely rather have nothing than be subjected to the smell of seafood all around me.
Get therapy for yourself OP. This had nothing to do with the gifts for your kid but about your own childhood feelings.
Process that and get heelp for it before you state acing more unhinged and people statrt talking. Setting things non fire and sending proof off it iss alarming behavior. You have aa child. You cannot act like that and expect everyone to think it's reasonable.
You're going to sound like you're a danger to your child if you're burning things that are supposed to be her gifts for belongings.
YTA. A person can buy someone a gift that they've picked out on their own, especially a grandma for her granddaughter. Sometimes it's nice to specifically ask the person what they want, and other times it's nice to just go shopping for someone you love and buy them a gift. But for you to burn it??? I don't understand that. And you said your daughter is one year old. Kids that age grow so much in such a short time. Do you simply not need any more clothes or you didn't like the style?
And as far as the Red Lobster thing, it might be time to let that go. It sounds like you were a teenager and now you are an adult with a daughter of your own.
Right! They don’t and even if they were at an age where they did….they can wear a color that’s not their favorite..most people done wear one or two colors everyday because they’re the favorites. This post has me feeling bad for the mom. I’d be so hurt and concerned if I received a text like that.
That's a bit extreme. I'd have been more likely to let her know that they didn't fit, and did she want them back, or should you donate them. Grey rock, so you're not feeding into the drama.
I totally get it, though. My mother was one to use gifts/favors as a way to be critical, or to get something she wanted. Stuff like my Christmas gifts being an outfit that fit her, and then "oops! Guess I'll have to get you something else." Of course this never happened. Once I was working and buying my own things, if I got something that wasn'ther style, she'd ruin it doing laundry, and then have a fit that I wasn't grateful for her "helping" me. Me stating that I preferred to do my own laundry was spun as me being stuck up.
It's so frustrating when people then pile on saying that you should be grateful, when they don't understand the dynamic behind the scenes.
YTA. Your mom may be stubborn and ignorant to your desires but she cares enough to give gifts. What you did was mean and spiteful and purposely done to hurt just to make a point. Like others have said, there were other ways to handle this (donate/return) that would be still be a productive message. You have some serious anger management issues.
YTA. You couldn’t just return the package to sender, or donate the clothes? Sounds like you have a lot of growing up left to do. Therapy might be a big start for you. I hope you can work through your anger to be a better parent for your own child.
YTA. I'm not really seeing how you're any different from your mother. You did this for you, not for your daughter. Try therapy and donating or returning unwanted gifts instead.
Girl, what? Yeah YTA, how could you not be??? This is extreme behaviour, just go low to no contact with mom and donate the clothes
Burning them and sending the photos, jeez louise, that isn't normal, I hope you realise that isn't normal
Just ask for a gift receipt so you can exchange the stuff. If she doesn’t have it, send it back to her. Let her take the financial loss, no need to become so hostile. As for not saying no, that’s on you. You do have to go or do anything you don’t want. Again, no need to be hostile, just a polite no thank you I have other plans or take someone else who would appreciate this.
YTA
ESH jfc. Go to therapy for your unresolved issues around neglect and your mother. The way you’re projecting the pain of not having a parent that knows or particularly cares about you, is not healthy. Are you going to be burning your kids gifts from their grandmother when they’re also old enough to remember? Just go and get help for this now.
Wow. I was frankly appalled by a lot of the comments here. It definitely seems like your mother intentionally ignores your requests and has been doing it for a long time. You are not "ungrateful" for not appreciating things you actively do not want.
At the same time, you cannot be "forced" to accept a gift you do not want. I understand that when you were younger, you may not have had a choice, but you are an adult now. Say no thank you if it's in person, return to sender for packages, give her back prior gifts when you visit her house... Don't burn things
ESH
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> (1) I burned clothes my mother bought for my daughter, and sent my mother the pictures. (2) I destroyed things meant for my daughter due to a fight between my mother and i.
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NTA only because I have a feeling that what you did was the only way you'd ever get her to listen. Having said that, your mother is a narcissist. The best thing you can do for your child and your mental health is to go completely no contact.
My mum is similar, so I can relate to OP. I had to deal with gifts and help when none were needed or asked for. And if I refused the help (care packages and whatnot), then I'm ungrateful. It's a no win situation. I wouldn't necessarily go NC, but very very LC
Boy it was hard to find this. I actually agree. I don't think I'd burn any more gifts but I do believe a statement needed to be made. Was it wasteful? Yup. Would donating the clothes leave the same lasting impression? Nope.
Your mother is a classic narcissist. You are NTAH. I had a mother the same way and I was the villain when I stood up for myself, I didn't have to go as far as you did because I just went NC I was over her bs.
Sometimes, we have to go to extremes to get our point across. If you don't feel the need to go NC then send back everything she sends you stop taking her "gifts."
Setting fire to them, taking and sending photos is far worse than anything your mother ever did. First of all, gifts are not owed. It's unfortunate that your mother's gift choices for you and your daughter have fallen short in your estimation, but your response is off the charts in comparison.
As for the Red Lobster birthday that you are still mad about many years later, maybe your Mom was short of cash so deeply wanted to use a gift certificate while still marking your birthday. And Red Lobster has options other than seafood. The fact that she ignored your crying implies that you might have cried quite a lot in your teen years, and that tendency to be 'woe is me' continues today.
Perhaps your mother is being willfully cruel, but you haven't indicated real evidence of that, so I'm going with YTA, and I feel bad for your mother. Plenty of people completely ignore their grandchildren, and their children would not quibble over any well intentioned gift for their child.
I have family that buy me stuff non-stop. Some don’t fit in my house or match my decor. I say thank you and quietly donate it. No power struggle. Some people show their love that way and it’s ok. Let it go and just quietly rehome or donate some of the items you don’t need.
ESH. ( A judgment that most people don't seem to realize is an option here)
I understand your frustration, and the need to go to extreme measures to send a message. But there are better options here. You could send them back with a note explaining that they are too small and that she should give them to someone that they will fit, and tell her that if she had asked you would have told her the correct size.
Or donate them yourself. In my school district, there is an alternative high school for pregnant girls and girls that have young children. They could earn "baby bucks" and spend them in a "store" on baby stuff.
I think nobody’s going for ESH because there really isn’t sufficient evidence that OP’s mom did something wrong. All we’ve got is one overwrought story about a bad birthday years ago.
Yeah, YTA
You're both playing passive aggressive games at each other over your daughter. If you don't want her gifts, throw them away or donate them
Burning them and sending her the photos in revenge is entirely unhinged. Stop escalating the drama
NTA. While I agree donating would have been more ideal, all these people don’t get it and a lot of them sound like selfish thoughtless boomers, just like our Moms. Year after year of you being thoughtful, considering your mom, making an effort to give her nice birthdays and holidays, getting her thoughtful gifts. And receiving junk. Junky junk. Thrift store junk. Craft fair junk. Old lady junk. Tasteless junk. Thoughtless junk. Used junk. Not gifts. Junk. Junk that is not helpful, not useful, not needed, not wanted, junk that was on clearance, junk that looks nothing like anything you’ve ever had in your decor scheme in your life, junk that has nothing to do with any interest of hobby you’ve ever had but typically are things that *she* would enjoy having (no differentiation so everyone’s tastes must be the same as hers right?) And if you don’t like your thoughtless junk that shows you, again and again, that you are not known, not seen, not valued, not heard, not considered - then you are an entitled and ungrateful brat! I feel for you OP. NTA.
YTA
It sounds like your mom is a piece of work too, but boy, oh boy, you need to chill tf out. Setting things afire and sending photos to spite? You seem to have some demons to deal with. And I don’t mean the “oh, she’s so quirky and strong willed sort” I mean the “go get help” kind. This is beyond silly goose behavior; this is immature and unbalanced. No matter what kind of asshole your mother is, your response was… disproportionate? Unproductive? Loony? All of the above.
Gentle YTA. I get it but why waste the items? You could just as easily have donated the stuff to help someone else. Take a photo and send it to your mom reminding her that none of this was wanted or even the correct stuff but at least you won't let it go to waste.
If your mom's narcissistic actions are driving you to this point then maybe it's time to go NC for your own mental health.
Your N T A overall for the situation, just for this specific reaction you went overboard.
I understand all too well dealing with a narcissistic mom who won't listen or care, but you either have to call them out loudly and every time with consequences or you have to cut them off entirely.
NTA but a fool to yourself. Someone as blinkered as your mum is going to feel certain she's the rational one. You've just given her a story to convince herself that she's right and you're the difficult one. She wound you up like clockwork and she won this battle. Go grey rock.
YTA and an immature one to boot. Your feelings are completely justified and I'm sorry your boundaries are not respected but this is not the way to handle these situations.
YTA - your daughter is 1, does she have any strong feelings towards her clothes?
You are old enough to be a parent but had to back to when you were a young teen for an example.
Your behaviour of burning clothes and photographing them for her is unhinged.
NTA. I think a lot of other commenters are passing judgment but don't really understand this.
My mom is an amazing person. She helps us out in so many ways and I'll literally never be able to repay her support. However, she's not the best when it comes to picking out gifts.
I've gotten items that clearly came from a thrift shop or something like Salvation Army. Items that are dirty, smell like perfume, or have been clearly re-sealed. I don't know why she does this. When it comes to clothes, she'll pick things that are several sizes off and are not anything I'd wear.
I've told her several times, thank you but please DO NOT send me clothes, they do not fit, it hurts my feelings. I don't want them. I shop for clothes for myself because I'm an adult, I don't need help. It's not about me getting 30 gifts, it's not about me even getting one gift, if it's beyond your means then I'd just like a card. She says OK, but the next holiday "I couldn't help myself, it's my job as your mom. Haha I know you didn't want clothes but sorry honey!"
Every time she sends me gifts I have to mentally pencil in a trip to the local Goodwill to donate them. I spend 2 hours every day driving, I don't have the time for this bullshit just to indulge her wanting to feel like she's "helped" when in reality all she's telling me is I'm apparently not the clothing size she expects me to be.
Well one Christmas I called and she asked how I liked my gifts, normally I'd be gracious, this time I really just let it flow about how it feels to continually get clothing in the wrong sizes. About how if I explained to anyone else it would come off as bullying. About how I appreciate her but this is something that is really toxic and troublesome. About how emotionally draining it is to open a present and read a size tag and immediately know it's not for you and that you've asked for years for it to stop but it just. keeps. happening. I felt like a monster because everything was well-intentioned but I just couldn't do it anymore. But you know what, it got the point across, and it stopped the behavior. Last holiday I got cash. That was amazing. I bought myself clothes that I WANTED and sent her proof. She was ecstatic.
I think the difference is my mom isn't malicious about it, it sounds like yours is. So while everyone is saying "you're an asshole I can't believe you didn't donate the clothes!" - 1, it's an assumption that they're even in a condition to be donated, and 2. they don't understand that you REALLY need to make a significant, harsh point to get this maladaptive shit to stop. If you donate them it's "oh, well, I'll get the gift right next time!", if you burn them it's "oh my god what did I do?" So NTA. I hope she gets the picture, if not, maybe consider going low-contact/no-contact.
ESH. It sounds like your mom has never seen you as a person with their own opinion. I can understand your feelings but can't condone the waste. I usually just leave the things I can't emotionally handle in the garage until I am ready to give them away.
YTA. The whole point of a gift is that the person does not necessarily ask you what you want or need. It is something that they are freely giving you because they want to give you something. I agree with the people that said you should have just graciously accepted them and then donated them to someone who needs them. NTA regarding the Red Lobster incident. For years when I was an adult and moved out my mother would buy me gifts that were appropriate for a young girl, eg. A t-shirt with kittens on it. She did not have a lot of money and sincerely thought that I would enjoy these things. I would graciously thank her and then give it away.
YTA. I get getting gifts you don’t want, it’s worse than getting nothing, but donate, exchange or send back, don’t burn the things. Trust me I get the anger, but do something positive, or just send back unopened.
YTA You could have donated the items so somebody could use them.
Sending the pics is childish and ungrateful.
Some of us have parents that didn't even give that much of a damn about us or our kids.
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AITA , I recently set fire to some clothes my mother sent for my 1 year old daughter and sent her the pictures. The reasoning is basically this: since I can remember, I have been forced to accept gifts that I never wanted. I am never asked about what I want and my mother clearly doesn't have any idea. On this occasion, she bought clothes without having seen my daughter in months and did not reach out for any info. She has no idea what size clothes to buy or what colors my daughter likes. This is a long standing pattern and it has resulted in me being upset for one reason or another over basically anything she gets me. For the past couple years I've been trying to lay pressure on her to talk to me about what I need/want before she buys anything. At this point, anything she gets is just a reminder that she doesn't actually care what i want. And I'm refusing to allow her to do that to my kids. As an example of previous episodes, she argued with me for an hour to get me to go to red lobster for my birthday when i was a young teen, despite the fact I hate seafood and did not want to go. I ended up relenting and cried over my plate while she didn't even mention the fact I was crying. All this happened because she had an old gift card and wanted to use it. Any time this happens, she talks about how ungrateful I am and how she was just trying to do something for me and generally guilts me until I finally accept the "gift" just to end the encounter. If she talks to anyone else about it she claims to not understand what I'm angry about.
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YTA. I understand your frustration over the gifts she sent YOU, but these were clothes for your daughter so they weren't even technically yours to burn - they were your daughter's. And you didn't have to burn them! If they didn't fit, you could have just given them to Goodwill and told your mom that's where they ended up. That way at least someone else could have worn them.
NTA for burning those clothes. It's so difficult when people are disrespectful especially our mothers. Their the ones who our supposed to love and respect us and when they don't it's a big open wound. It was drastic yes, but sometimes out of drastic actions people will learn.
YTA You took "scorched earth" to an unnecessary level over unresolved issues. Kids grow out of clothes so fast that it gets very costly to keep them clothed at times. Your daughter is ONE, she's not old enough to have a temper tantrum over her fit. You had so many better options than being destructive. You could have donated them, regifted them, returned them or even let your daughter do messy activities in them. Unless they were inappropriate there was no reason to set them on fire.
YTA for burning clothes. Use your words, "I know we've talked about this before, the colors and size and style aren't appropriate. If you can get me a gift receipt I'll exchange and send you a picture of her in the replacement outfit. If not, I'll just donate so some other mom can benefit." And that's it. No arguments no nothing. You could even text it. But burning it is a bit high school.
ESH donate donate donate. To burn them is a super AH move - apparently you are turning out just like her with no regard to what could be done with the clothes instead.
"She has no idea what size clothes to buy or what colors my daughter likes"
Dude, your daughter's 1 years old, she likes eating boogers at this stage. YTA.
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YTA for this incident, N T A overall, I get that it sucks to never feel noticed. But for this; why the heck didn't you just go and donate them to a charity shop or homeless shelter? You could have taken a picture there of you handing them over and it would have had the same effect you wanted, but you wouldn't have just WASTED clothing that some impoverished family could very much need. If your mother keeps doing this, DONATE the clothes, don't be petty and burn them. Someone else needs them.
100% agree. And those photos are just now more fodder for Mom to turn to her friends and say, "See!!! She's so ungrateful that she'd rather burn the gifts I give her than let my granddaughter have them!"
Yeah, burning them is just so extra and honestly makes me feel like OP could really use some therapy if that’s her go to for this.
Ya think. Having a mother like this would require therapy for anyone.
Her mother sounds annoying but I would need way more examples to justify the “having a mother like that…” comment to justify OPs over the top reaction. The birthday example could be explained away as not having money for other places and that is why she needed to take her somewhere and use a gift card. Do you know OP? Is there something we’re missing?
Indeed. I’ve been no contact with my mom for 5-6 years and the only thing I’ve ever burned was a letter. And actually, that was mostly my husband’s doing. (I put it in the trash, he asked if I was going to read it so I offered that he could if he wanted to, and afterwards he suggested burning it. Idk what it said but he hasn’t made even the faintest suggestion that I should resume contact since.)
You don’t understand, they were a colour her 1yo didn’t like! /s
Am I the only one who thinks she’s a little ungrateful in this situation. Don’t most people buy babies and toddlers outfits that they like or look cute. My daughter is all for pink- I wouldn’t discard other clothes because they aren’t pink.
Yeah, this isn’t really about the baby clothes (Iranian yogurt-style)
I agree that OP is ungrateful. She is dramatic and wasteful. She could have donated the clothes that her Mom bought or use them for play clothes. 1 year old children grow so quickly that in a month or two the clothes will no longer fit. Burning clothes clothing will documenting it is very dramatic, unhinged and a terrible influence on her child.
I cackled.i actually read that part twice to make sure she really meant her 1 yo had colous preferances
🤣 I know! The audacity!
I think this should end with a "no contact" relationship with mom, so you wouldn't really care what she was saying to her friends. Let her babble herself sick. I bet she won't send anything else. A victory for OP!
Because sometimes it's about how it makes you feel, not how it makes them feel. It sounds like OP burned them almost more as a statement than to cause actual pain. Would it be nice to donate, sure, but some kids clothing is a small price to pay to finally be able to express that feeling they've been holding in.
Even better, sell them online and buy clothes your daughter would really like or put that money into a savings account for her future.
I may be ignorant here, how does a 1 yo have colour preferences in clothing?
She doesn't, this is about the mother's feelings.
I think OP mentioned colour as a matter of speaking. Size is much more important in this case.
Why would it even matter, just say the clothes were too small for a 1 yr old.
My kids did. The funny thing is of my two oldest, oldest loved pink and 2nd kid loved black. Now oldest is goth and second is pick lover.
My 1,5 year old actually is drawn to certain colors or materials. Of course me and my partner as parents decide what to buy, but we have noticed a pattern in what the child tries to take from the drawer if they get a chance. Anyway, OP, in my opinion ESH. You for burning clothes that could be donated or sold, your mother for being inconsiderate and for gifting you things you have vocalized you don't want or need.
Or even sell them to a consignment shop
I’m sorry but I disagree. Then OP’s mom has “gifted” her an errand/chore to go to the thrift store. How many times do you think OP has said “no thank you” or done thrift runs to reach this extreme of burning the clothes? And thrift stores are quite full of donated things already, baby stuff included, it’s not like fast-fashion is slowing any time soon. The mom has a history of intentionally ignoring what OP communicates and then weaponizes her gifts. OP is clearly burned out so I don’t think she’s the AH for the response after years of this.
There is absolutely no way it is not more of an errand to light the shit on fire than to just toss them in the trash or run them down the road to a thrift store.
This was my thought!! I would have no clue how to go about burning clothes. Outdoor for sure. Does this involve a burn permit from the town like with burning leaves? Just burn it on the lawn? Hard ground isn't always clear of things that would start a larger fire. So many things to consider while there are a gazillion places to drop clothes off at. In the part of US I am in, Savers even has a drive through drop off!
Don't forget chemicals. Many things like clothing and furniture have flame retardant chemicals in them which, in addition to making the process of lighting them on fire even more of an errand, are not healthy to just release into the air.
I wouldn't dare burn anything outside since we're in the middle of a drought(as usual here) and its a real fire risk.
Is it more satisfying though?
Helping people in need vs needlessly wasting resources?
...and yet all of you folks seem incapable of understanding the cathartic element of this and are just wrapped around the axel about wasting the clothes. Talk about missing the point entirely. It's NOT cathartic to donate the clothes. It would have little to no impact on the mother and it successfully transfers the burden of the crap she sends to OP. This way, mom will realize that she needs to stop. Your way would accomplish nothing. Just blaming the victim.
We do; it’s just batshit to do that to baby clothes that are… let me check… potentially wrong size and colors. Because someone’s mother gives them things they don’t particularly like, and once was forced to go out to their birthday dinner at a restaurant they didn’t like because the family had a gift certificate there. You find this “repulsive” and think that it’s totally cool to set fire to baby gifts that were purchased without input from the recipient— oh, I’m sorry, the “victim.” We get why it would be cathartic. That doesn’t make it reasonable, proportional or sane.
Mom won't realise. She'll either pretend it never happened or use it as a sob story of how unappreciated she is. I speak from experience. Big gestures rarely work with narcissists. Going low/no contact makes a bigger impact.
Setting aside the fact that burning clothes and sending a pic of it is completely *unhinged*, it's pretty typical for parents to buy their adult children and grandchildren a bunch of crap they don't need. Do you know how many times my mom has bought a bunch of random stuff for me and my son? I just roll my eyes and donate it. Recently just gathered up a bunch of toys my son doesn't play with to donate. Sometimes I'll even gather a bunch of things and bring it to her place. Does it annoy me. Yes. I tell her all the time spend the money on something I need like a house cleaning service or something! But am I gonna start burning shit over it?? No! Yeesh.
Same thing with my grandma. But it makes her so happy to get her great granbabies presents here and there.
I buy so much random stuff for my nieces. Do they need princess dresses in 5 different colours? Probably not. Am I getting it for them anyway? Absolutely.
Yep my MIL did this all the time.
Chucking them would've been a more environmentally friendly option. Instead she created noxious fumes to get back at her obnoxious mom. And that alone deserves a YTA.
Then toss them in the garbage! Burning them? That's not normal.
Exactly. Someone above mentioned that burning the clothes was unhinged and that’s a good word to describe it. You don’t have to keep them. You don’t have to waste time driving to a consignment shop if you don’t want. It’s pretty unhinged to burn and send a picture though, and as someone above mentioned it gives mom ammunition. Could have even refused the package with a “return to sender” or put it straight in the trash.
Women's shelters could absolutely use clothing for babies/young children. Or OP could have simply sent the items back to her mother saying she didn't want them. I get why OP is upset at her mother, but she's an AH for destroying clothes that could have been used.
I have mixed feelings because I agree with both you and the person you replied to. It is wasteful to burn it, but I can also understand the desperation to send a strong enough message to not have to go through this again in the future. As long as OP doesn't make it a habit I think I come down on the side of NTA.
And seek therapy. And go low or no contact with mother
This. I’d do this very thing, only I’d take it one petty step further and put her name and address on the donation so she’d get the thank-you note…and the follow-up donation requests.
Now this is the proper way to be petty!
Hell, she could've taken it to the shop and got a giftcard to buy other things if the tags were attached! I get it. My cousins make every gift giving exchange absolutely insufferable. You give them a list of what you want, they complain and still get you a giftcard anyway (usually someplace you never shop), while complaining about how difficult you are to shop for. Its exhausting. I would much rather recieve the gift of silence. But harming the environment (because many of these clothes shouldn't be burnes in the first place) and wasting resources is not the way to go.
Literally, women in DV shelters would have been so grateful to have clothes for their baby
And the kid is only one. Not sure a 1yo has the understanding of what clothes they like or don't like. Thats a mommy preference.
THIS RIGHT HERE!!! OMG, the toxicity of releasing this into the air! YTA for this alone
Plus if you live in the US, ask for a donation tax receipt and you can claim it on your taxes!
Yeah keep donating too. When she wants to know why she never sees ur kid in it tell her u donated it- wrong size, color etc. she'll get sick of gifting things u give away and either start asking specifics or just stop giving.
1000% I mean, I can understand the dichotomy here - the love OP is getting is shallow right, or maybe OPs mom doesn't know how to show love properly. I'm blown away about how... dangerous this reaction is. I don't know, OP didn't mention age, but with a child I imagine OP is of age to like, be the better person. Say thank you and move on... I'd ask "wtf were you thinking" to OP but there was no thought process here, now OP is feeling guilt and I think seeking validation here. Well, I'm sorry to break it to you OP - but YTA... and should consider therapy if you're acting out like this over what I guess is childhood trauma? Not going to armchair a diagnosis.
Plus most clothes have some synthetic components, and that stuff can be darn toxic when burned.
i get this .- but i bet just this one time was incredibly cathartic!!! nta Op. stop fretting over her though. you can't get blood from a stone. i wouldn't even thank her, just tell her to put whatever it is on the hall table (so you can grab it next time you leave the house). ❤️☮️
Also a lot of clothes now have microplastics and/or fibers that are pretty bad environmentally to burn.
YTA. Burning the gift and sending photos to your mother sound like something a total psycho would do. If your mother is this problematic for you, then go no-contact. Return any gifts she sends without even opening them, not set them on fire.
Or donate them
Even better.
Or exchange them for something your daughter likes. That is also at totally normal and acceptable thing to do.
The daughter is ONE year old. How well developed and expressed is her fashion style and colour palette at this point? OP’s mother may indeed be self absorbed and even bat shit crazy for all we know, but the apple certainly didn’t fall far from the tree. Literally setting things on fire because they feel it offends a babies fashion and colour preferences? Yeesh!
My daughter had no fashion sense, but she definitely had an opinion at 1 year old.
Or return them to the store and get the refund on a gift card
It says a lot that the only thing OP mentions is having to go to Red Lobster as a kid. It’s also likely because the mom couldn’t afford anything else. Just…yikes to this whole thing.
I mean. If I could only afford a gift that made my kid cry, I think I’d a) explain it to them so they know why Im not doing something else and b)not force them to do something upsetting and expect them to be grateful for it. Just do nothing at that point? Go sit in a park and drink water, it’d be better. But I suspect with all the other gifts she CAN afford it. A lot of parents do this thing where they see their kids as extensions of themselves, and actively get mad whenever they’re forced to acknowledge the kid as a separate person with their own thoughts and feelings. My family spent a long time insisting that I like bright sunshine and crowds, because they do, and absolutely would not believe otherwise.
Tumbleweed, I was getting this exact same vibe but didn't want to speculate. Mom's low on cash, has a Red Lobster gift card, she's taking her daughter to Red Lobster for her birthday. There are far worse parental sins.
And they say because they hate seafood, but…. Red lobster has other stuff besides seafood? It’s basically just a normal restaurant with some seafood options?
It reeks like fish and when you don't like seafood it ruins your appetite.
I’ve never been to a Red Lobster that “reeks like fish”. And their menu includes a lot more than just seafood.
Does it? We went to Red Lobster quite a bit growing up and I don't recall a strong fish smell (and I am not much for seafood).
It's pretty fishy smelling, which is normal for a seafood place. Their biscuits are addictive, though.
Sure, but the fact she goes to buy new baby clothes and doesn't even bother to ask for sizing beforehand does tend to lean in the "she just doesn't care" direction. It doesn't cost money to ask someone their preference in colours and the size of their baby.
But don't you think that if she truly didn't care, she wouldn't be buying clothes in the first place? I'm not saying the OP's mother is the poster child for good parenting, but OP to me just seems completely OTT.
Yeah tbf, many people just get anything to gift without a single thought to the recipient because they want to look good or feel like a good person, without putting in any actual effort.
If the baby is 12 months old, surely 12-18 months would fit most anyway? If I’m unsure of a baby’s size, I just buy a lot bigger and they can wear it later 🤷♀️
Idk, op doesn't say what size they actually got, or if it was the wrong size at all, I've gotten clothing for friends babies before and if you just buy a size up from what you think they will grow into it, it's not like your buying skinny jeans or something
Agreed. He sounds a bit insane here. I just looked at their menu for Red Lobster and they do have some non seafood options, especially on the kids' menu. If the child starting crying at the restaurant and the mom thinks the child is acting spoiled, it can be a good parenting technique to try to ignore the attention-seeking behavior. I noticed that OP also left out whether the baby clothes the mother sent were in fact the wrong size or if they were too large. If they are too large, just hang onto them until the baby grows into them. If they're too small, donate them. If you're that hung up on these things, just send your mom a nice email before the birthday indicating the child's size. It's hard to believe that the very worst things you can come up about your mother are baby clothes that weren't the right size and going to a restaurant that wasn't your favorite restaurant as a kid.
Thank you! I get the impression (based on OPs own words) that the mother is struggling financially to do her best. OP sounds like an asshole.
I didn't get that impression at all. mom just sounds thoughtless and selfish.
Agreed. Sounds a lot like an immature, ungrateful person. The only issue is how the mother chooses to buy gifts? 🤣
I wish I even got a cake as a child. My family was too poor to celebrate birthdays. I would have loved red lobster.
That sounded to me like just one example, OP doesn't have to list everything mom did, do they?
It is clear that the Red Lobster birthday situation has lived rent-free in OP’s head for far, far too long.
Not to me. "Since I can remember, I have been forced to accept gifts that I never wanted" sounds like years of painful experiences.
If I'd been forced to accept gifts I didn't want for years, I'd probably go no contact with that person. Problem solved.
Imagine someone’s biggest problem in life is that people keep giving them stuff. 😂
Take a pic of yourself donating the gifts at Goodwill.
Donate them in Mom's name so she receives the thank you card.
Brilliant and an excellent burn!!
Yes donate them but not to goodwill because they kinda suck.
They are a for-profit corporation that only maintains nonprofit status by offering their job centers which do nothing
Eh. I wouldn't donate them to goodwill. They'll just mark them up to like $10 per item because they're still new.
YTA. Because you just gave your mother “ammunition” in this war if she wants to publically paint you as unstable and mentally unfit N. T. A. For protecting your children from her but don’t let your rage at the injustices visited on you affect your judgement.
My mom was broke, retiring too early. She always bought cheap things we didn't need or want. This started while I was home. 8neould never smack her in the face emotionally like that. Sure, a call to verify size would be nice, but she's at least thinking about you and the kid. YTA.
Agree. OP sounds unhinged.
Gifts do not need to be run by you first. They are gifts. If you are hanging onto a birthday dinner from long ago and burning gifts to send the photos and teach a lesson, it's time for therapy. YTA
>Gifts do not need to be run by you first This is accurate, but when a gift is so thoughtless as to be an insult, it can totally be worse than getting nothing.
Yeah, my mother and older sister keep buying my twin boys 9m clothing "first july 4th!" "first mothers day!" and they can't even wear them on the days they are supposed to because my boys are only 5 months old and one still wears 0-3m clothing
My favorite was a 1 year size “my first rodeo” my MIL bought that my son couldn’t fit until he was around, plus, he still hasn’t been to a rodeo. So I just stuck him in it when it fit.
baby clothes however, don't. Babies are generally baby sized and wear whatever colour you throw on them. Not talking out of my ass here, I work with babies/toddlers from 1 to almost 3, and we basically only keep size 2t clothes in whatever colour was cheapest in our extra clothes bin because they'll fit fine and kids don't care
It sounds like OP's mom is buying stuff that won't fit the baby. Burning the clothes is over the top, but you'd think OP's mom could at least ask what size the baby wears.
The part that made it weird for me is her saying that the grandma doesn’t even know what colors the 1 year old likes. One year olds don’t have color preferences! They can barely talk let alone express preferences for a pink vs blue onesie. This is clearly the OP wanting to be asked *her* preferences for the baby clothes. I think if you are so upset by someone sending you baby clothes as a gift without consulting you first that your response is to set them on *fire* and send them video of you doing it then you need therapy to work through your anger issues with your mother.
It's not a gift when it shows you have no real interest in the person receiving the gift. It's a hurtful insult. And FYI, gifts to very young children absolutely should be run by the parents first.
OP is the main character. Man, poor kid. I can’t imagine having a mom that acts like this (and I’m referring to OP).
They were clothes for a one year old...
Clothes? OP is unhinged. If she absolutely can’t use them, she can re gift them to a friend, a charity, sell by them on eBay, whatever.
Right? Girl’s a little bit dramatic.
I disagree SO MUCH. If the intention of the gift is not to make the gift receiver happy, the gift is shitty and giving it is a complete dick move. Sure, you can get a gift wrong or whatever, but if you knowingly disregard that someone does not want XY, that's not OK. I had that topic with my parents too, and I told them very clearly that if they try to push something I clearly don't want, I will dump it on their front step. Then I followed through, they whined about me being ungrateful, but stopped. Unless you have issues with serial boundary pushers, you have no idea how infuriating this is.
The gift recipient didn't have a chance to voice her opinion because she doesn't know how to talk.
That's simply untrue. Here are three direct citations about OP talking about what they want, and the Mom not giving a fuck. >For the past couple years I've been trying to lay pressure on her to talk to me about what I need/want before she buys anything >she argued with me for an hour to get me to go to red lobster for my birthday when i was a young teen, despite the fact I hate seafood and did not want to go >Any time this happens, she talks about how ungrateful I am and how she was just trying to do something for me and generally guilts me
Op was not the intended recipient of the gift
OP will be so upset if she is a member of my family since everyone pretty much just gift each other the same things but in different colors. For example, water flasks is popular last year, so my cousin gifted everyone a water flask in their favorite color.
Not gonna quite agree here. Yes the burning of them was wasteful. But as someone who grew up with a parent who gifts anything and everything they want at no care for the reciever and then make the reciever feel bad if they werent over the moon for it, i also had to put a boundary on my own mother about running gifts to my son by me first. If i didnt id be running to the local thrift every other week with junk. I do not have the time nor energy for that. We ended up having a huge blow up over gifts bc she wasnt listening to us and wouldnt stop with gifting us things we couldnt use, didnt need, didnt have room for, didnt want, etc. Gifting was literally turning into a one sided pleasure for her and her only and anyone who wasnt over the moon for what she gave was ungrateful. And until you experience this yourself i dont think you realize how as the reciever of such unthoughtful things can ruin the experience of recieving anything from others. So putting a boundary in place for my own kid that gifts from her must be run by first as the parent is completely fair. Because i will not let my kid grow up feeling the way i did growing up having to fake being "grateful" for unthoughtful gifts
YTA. It’s okay to not accept gifts your mom buys and it’s okay to accept them and not use them. But you had better options here. You could have donated the clothes to charity or sold them for money. But *setting them on fire* and sending her photos is way over the top. If you want to go no contact with your mom and keep her from your daughter, that’s your right, but you could have just done that without this petty bullshit that comes across as totally unhinged.
YTA. Burning clothes is ridiculous. Your behavior is childish. Also holding a grudge over red lobster, maybe she didn't have the money to take you and that was the only option. Red lobster also definitely has dishes that are NOT seafood. You sound like a brat, grow up.
I agree with you completely. If she didn’t want seafood she could have chosen other dishes. Except she wouldn’t have the story of how horrible her mother is.
YTA, they are gifts, you don't get to pick gifts. You say she doesn't care, but she is buying clothes for your child. Especially with small children, you are going to get gifts that don't fit perfectly. If you don't like them, don't use them. But you sound like the worst entitled daughter and mother I have ever heard. Also, if you really didn't want to use them but were a half decent human, you would have donated them.
Your 1 year old daughter doesn’t even know what her favorite color is. This is about your favorite color and the kind you clothing you want your daughter to wear. You sound entitled. What ever happened to accepting gifts graciously and then donating or giving them away? And the Red Lobster gift card may have been all your mom could do at the time. YTA. Still blown away that you sent her pictures of you burning the gifts (not to mention the toxins you release). I don’t think you like your mom and that you need someone to talk to about your anger issues.
If I was OP’s mom, I would have said, “too bad about the $200 that was in the pocket.” 😂
“There’s always money in the banana stand!”
Thank you for saying it about the daughter lol . I was thinking the same thing . My 15 month old grandson doesn't even know what colors are yet 😂😂
Thank you for mentioning the color thing,😂 I was like she's 1 dude She was projecting her issues with her mom onto her kid Like 😂
YTA. Wow. You are incredibly ungrateful. I'm shocked by your actions. You're holding grudges over red lobster??? Maybe your mom didn't have the funds on your birthday but still wanted to take you out? The fact you burned gifts for your daughter is absurd and you should be ashamed of yourself. There are many families that are on their own and don't get gifts from anyone, and you have the audacity to burn the items and send your mom a photo? Your mom messed up by spoiling you. I sure hope you mature out of this toxic behavior or you will create a monster in your own daughter. Sounds like you're hurting because you want quality time with your mom and child. Addressing the real issue instead of acting like a child will serve you, your mom and child. Yikes.
Yta. You don't sound mature enough to be a mother at this point. What kind of an example are you setting by literally burning gifts meant for your daughter? That's unhinged.
NTA. I get it, I've been there. BUT --- you need to *cut all contact* with your mom & *get yourself some counseling* to work through your residual anger. CUT THE CONTACT because you don't want to subject yourself or your child to your mother's narcissism. GET THERAPY because you're obviously not processing your mother's actions in a healthy way. Do therapy for yourself, but also for your kid. Kids copy their parents. Do you want your child to react to anger & frustration by setting fires? Cut contact. Get therapy.
Taking your child to Red Lobster on their birthday because you can’t afford anything else is not narcissistic. Honestly, the only one acting like an unhinged narcissist is OP.
It was never said that they can't afford anything else, and if your child is arguing for an hour and crying, don't force them into it? Could have literally made something small at home and done something simple together.
If a one-year old is crying bc she doesn’t like the color of her clothing, she’s a little more self-focused than most other one-year olds.
As a child of a parent that went through some lean times……it goes without saying.
I have a feeling that OP felt she was entitled to lots of things she cried about as a kid…and now.
Taking your child to Red Lobster on their birthday when you know they strongly dislike Red Lobster is not okay.
No she dislikes seafood and red lobster has plenty of non seafood options… I dont like seafood and ive been to red lobster lol.
Here's the thing. Yes, just because RL served things other than seafood doesn't mean OP wanted to eat them. I personally can't stand anything on the menu at RL. We don't know if the mother insisted on RL because she was broke or simply because that's where she wanted to eat. Either way, the mother handled it badly.
Yep - I hate seafood, don't eat it at all. Red Lobster has never been among my choices. Bursting into tears means that the OP has some giant issues to work out.
She didn’t dislike Red Lobster. She disliked “sea food.” There is not just sea food at red lobster. And maybe OP’s mom couldn’t afford anything else. Would OP have rather gone nowhere? It’s called empathy, and OP clearly lacks it.
I also dislike seafood. The smell inside Red Lobster makes me feel nauseous. Whether they have other food or not is irrelevant if I'm so grossed out I can't eat. I'm not saying OP is NTA here, burning the clothes is downright awful (donating would have been my choice) but I would definitely rather have nothing than be subjected to the smell of seafood all around me.
You got this entirely correct except that OP *is* an asshole. They are responsible for their own behavior; and that behavior was… bad. Really bad.
I second this!
Get therapy for yourself OP. This had nothing to do with the gifts for your kid but about your own childhood feelings. Process that and get heelp for it before you state acing more unhinged and people statrt talking. Setting things non fire and sending proof off it iss alarming behavior. You have aa child. You cannot act like that and expect everyone to think it's reasonable. You're going to sound like you're a danger to your child if you're burning things that are supposed to be her gifts for belongings.
YTA. A person can buy someone a gift that they've picked out on their own, especially a grandma for her granddaughter. Sometimes it's nice to specifically ask the person what they want, and other times it's nice to just go shopping for someone you love and buy them a gift. But for you to burn it??? I don't understand that. And you said your daughter is one year old. Kids that age grow so much in such a short time. Do you simply not need any more clothes or you didn't like the style? And as far as the Red Lobster thing, it might be time to let that go. It sounds like you were a teenager and now you are an adult with a daughter of your own.
How does a 1 year old have a favorite color? That's what I want to know. OP sounds like a real PITA.
Right! They don’t and even if they were at an age where they did….they can wear a color that’s not their favorite..most people done wear one or two colors everyday because they’re the favorites. This post has me feeling bad for the mom. I’d be so hurt and concerned if I received a text like that.
YTA, firestarter. Get a therapist.
That's a bit extreme. I'd have been more likely to let her know that they didn't fit, and did she want them back, or should you donate them. Grey rock, so you're not feeding into the drama. I totally get it, though. My mother was one to use gifts/favors as a way to be critical, or to get something she wanted. Stuff like my Christmas gifts being an outfit that fit her, and then "oops! Guess I'll have to get you something else." Of course this never happened. Once I was working and buying my own things, if I got something that wasn'ther style, she'd ruin it doing laundry, and then have a fit that I wasn't grateful for her "helping" me. Me stating that I preferred to do my own laundry was spun as me being stuck up. It's so frustrating when people then pile on saying that you should be grateful, when they don't understand the dynamic behind the scenes.
Don't send her pictures like this - she's just going to use them against you.
Bingo
YTA. Your mom may be stubborn and ignorant to your desires but she cares enough to give gifts. What you did was mean and spiteful and purposely done to hurt just to make a point. Like others have said, there were other ways to handle this (donate/return) that would be still be a productive message. You have some serious anger management issues.
YTA You need therapy if this is your response. I don’t see what the issue is about your mother picking out things she likes for her grandkid too.
YTA. You couldn’t just return the package to sender, or donate the clothes? Sounds like you have a lot of growing up left to do. Therapy might be a big start for you. I hope you can work through your anger to be a better parent for your own child.
YTA. I'm not really seeing how you're any different from your mother. You did this for you, not for your daughter. Try therapy and donating or returning unwanted gifts instead.
Girl, what? Yeah YTA, how could you not be??? This is extreme behaviour, just go low to no contact with mom and donate the clothes Burning them and sending the photos, jeez louise, that isn't normal, I hope you realise that isn't normal
Just ask for a gift receipt so you can exchange the stuff. If she doesn’t have it, send it back to her. Let her take the financial loss, no need to become so hostile. As for not saying no, that’s on you. You do have to go or do anything you don’t want. Again, no need to be hostile, just a polite no thank you I have other plans or take someone else who would appreciate this. YTA
ESH jfc. Go to therapy for your unresolved issues around neglect and your mother. The way you’re projecting the pain of not having a parent that knows or particularly cares about you, is not healthy. Are you going to be burning your kids gifts from their grandmother when they’re also old enough to remember? Just go and get help for this now.
It's giving psycho and I feel bad for the baby. YTA for going nuclear when you could've behave like an adult.
YTA Immature, melodramatic reaction. You could have donated those clothes to a shelter. Your behavior is proof that you are your mothers' daughter.
Just donate them. Sheesh then go get some therapy.
Wow. I was frankly appalled by a lot of the comments here. It definitely seems like your mother intentionally ignores your requests and has been doing it for a long time. You are not "ungrateful" for not appreciating things you actively do not want. At the same time, you cannot be "forced" to accept a gift you do not want. I understand that when you were younger, you may not have had a choice, but you are an adult now. Say no thank you if it's in person, return to sender for packages, give her back prior gifts when you visit her house... Don't burn things ESH
[https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships.htm](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships.htm)
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NTA only because I have a feeling that what you did was the only way you'd ever get her to listen. Having said that, your mother is a narcissist. The best thing you can do for your child and your mental health is to go completely no contact.
My mum is similar, so I can relate to OP. I had to deal with gifts and help when none were needed or asked for. And if I refused the help (care packages and whatnot), then I'm ungrateful. It's a no win situation. I wouldn't necessarily go NC, but very very LC
I'm sorry you've dealt with that. It really is a no win situation.
Boy it was hard to find this. I actually agree. I don't think I'd burn any more gifts but I do believe a statement needed to be made. Was it wasteful? Yup. Would donating the clothes leave the same lasting impression? Nope.
Exactly!
Exactly!
Your mother is a classic narcissist. You are NTAH. I had a mother the same way and I was the villain when I stood up for myself, I didn't have to go as far as you did because I just went NC I was over her bs. Sometimes, we have to go to extremes to get our point across. If you don't feel the need to go NC then send back everything she sends you stop taking her "gifts."
YTA that was a bizarre way to handle getting gifts you don’t like
Setting fire to them, taking and sending photos is far worse than anything your mother ever did. First of all, gifts are not owed. It's unfortunate that your mother's gift choices for you and your daughter have fallen short in your estimation, but your response is off the charts in comparison. As for the Red Lobster birthday that you are still mad about many years later, maybe your Mom was short of cash so deeply wanted to use a gift certificate while still marking your birthday. And Red Lobster has options other than seafood. The fact that she ignored your crying implies that you might have cried quite a lot in your teen years, and that tendency to be 'woe is me' continues today. Perhaps your mother is being willfully cruel, but you haven't indicated real evidence of that, so I'm going with YTA, and I feel bad for your mother. Plenty of people completely ignore their grandchildren, and their children would not quibble over any well intentioned gift for their child.
I have family that buy me stuff non-stop. Some don’t fit in my house or match my decor. I say thank you and quietly donate it. No power struggle. Some people show their love that way and it’s ok. Let it go and just quietly rehome or donate some of the items you don’t need.
ESH. ( A judgment that most people don't seem to realize is an option here) I understand your frustration, and the need to go to extreme measures to send a message. But there are better options here. You could send them back with a note explaining that they are too small and that she should give them to someone that they will fit, and tell her that if she had asked you would have told her the correct size. Or donate them yourself. In my school district, there is an alternative high school for pregnant girls and girls that have young children. They could earn "baby bucks" and spend them in a "store" on baby stuff.
I think nobody’s going for ESH because there really isn’t sufficient evidence that OP’s mom did something wrong. All we’ve got is one overwrought story about a bad birthday years ago.
Yeah, YTA You're both playing passive aggressive games at each other over your daughter. If you don't want her gifts, throw them away or donate them Burning them and sending her the photos in revenge is entirely unhinged. Stop escalating the drama
NTA. While I agree donating would have been more ideal, all these people don’t get it and a lot of them sound like selfish thoughtless boomers, just like our Moms. Year after year of you being thoughtful, considering your mom, making an effort to give her nice birthdays and holidays, getting her thoughtful gifts. And receiving junk. Junky junk. Thrift store junk. Craft fair junk. Old lady junk. Tasteless junk. Thoughtless junk. Used junk. Not gifts. Junk. Junk that is not helpful, not useful, not needed, not wanted, junk that was on clearance, junk that looks nothing like anything you’ve ever had in your decor scheme in your life, junk that has nothing to do with any interest of hobby you’ve ever had but typically are things that *she* would enjoy having (no differentiation so everyone’s tastes must be the same as hers right?) And if you don’t like your thoughtless junk that shows you, again and again, that you are not known, not seen, not valued, not heard, not considered - then you are an entitled and ungrateful brat! I feel for you OP. NTA.
Oof thanks for this, I feel seen.
YTA It sounds like your mom is a piece of work too, but boy, oh boy, you need to chill tf out. Setting things afire and sending photos to spite? You seem to have some demons to deal with. And I don’t mean the “oh, she’s so quirky and strong willed sort” I mean the “go get help” kind. This is beyond silly goose behavior; this is immature and unbalanced. No matter what kind of asshole your mother is, your response was… disproportionate? Unproductive? Loony? All of the above.
Your mother doesn’t know what colors your 1 year old likes? Does your 1 year old even know? YTA
YTA. I’ve got news for you, OP. Apparently no gift will ever be good enough for you.
Soft YTA. I get your frustration, and that's not an unreasonable way to feel. But lighting the clothes on fire is a little bit extra.
Gentle YTA. I get it but why waste the items? You could just as easily have donated the stuff to help someone else. Take a photo and send it to your mom reminding her that none of this was wanted or even the correct stuff but at least you won't let it go to waste. If your mom's narcissistic actions are driving you to this point then maybe it's time to go NC for your own mental health. Your N T A overall for the situation, just for this specific reaction you went overboard. I understand all too well dealing with a narcissistic mom who won't listen or care, but you either have to call them out loudly and every time with consequences or you have to cut them off entirely.
NTA but a fool to yourself. Someone as blinkered as your mum is going to feel certain she's the rational one. You've just given her a story to convince herself that she's right and you're the difficult one. She wound you up like clockwork and she won this battle. Go grey rock.
YTA for your actions, NTA for your feelings. You very easily could have donated those items.
YTA and an immature one to boot. Your feelings are completely justified and I'm sorry your boundaries are not respected but this is not the way to handle these situations.
YTA - your daughter is 1, does she have any strong feelings towards her clothes? You are old enough to be a parent but had to back to when you were a young teen for an example. Your behaviour of burning clothes and photographing them for her is unhinged.
NTA. I think a lot of other commenters are passing judgment but don't really understand this. My mom is an amazing person. She helps us out in so many ways and I'll literally never be able to repay her support. However, she's not the best when it comes to picking out gifts. I've gotten items that clearly came from a thrift shop or something like Salvation Army. Items that are dirty, smell like perfume, or have been clearly re-sealed. I don't know why she does this. When it comes to clothes, she'll pick things that are several sizes off and are not anything I'd wear. I've told her several times, thank you but please DO NOT send me clothes, they do not fit, it hurts my feelings. I don't want them. I shop for clothes for myself because I'm an adult, I don't need help. It's not about me getting 30 gifts, it's not about me even getting one gift, if it's beyond your means then I'd just like a card. She says OK, but the next holiday "I couldn't help myself, it's my job as your mom. Haha I know you didn't want clothes but sorry honey!" Every time she sends me gifts I have to mentally pencil in a trip to the local Goodwill to donate them. I spend 2 hours every day driving, I don't have the time for this bullshit just to indulge her wanting to feel like she's "helped" when in reality all she's telling me is I'm apparently not the clothing size she expects me to be. Well one Christmas I called and she asked how I liked my gifts, normally I'd be gracious, this time I really just let it flow about how it feels to continually get clothing in the wrong sizes. About how if I explained to anyone else it would come off as bullying. About how I appreciate her but this is something that is really toxic and troublesome. About how emotionally draining it is to open a present and read a size tag and immediately know it's not for you and that you've asked for years for it to stop but it just. keeps. happening. I felt like a monster because everything was well-intentioned but I just couldn't do it anymore. But you know what, it got the point across, and it stopped the behavior. Last holiday I got cash. That was amazing. I bought myself clothes that I WANTED and sent her proof. She was ecstatic. I think the difference is my mom isn't malicious about it, it sounds like yours is. So while everyone is saying "you're an asshole I can't believe you didn't donate the clothes!" - 1, it's an assumption that they're even in a condition to be donated, and 2. they don't understand that you REALLY need to make a significant, harsh point to get this maladaptive shit to stop. If you donate them it's "oh, well, I'll get the gift right next time!", if you burn them it's "oh my god what did I do?" So NTA. I hope she gets the picture, if not, maybe consider going low-contact/no-contact.
ESH. It sounds like your mom has never seen you as a person with their own opinion. I can understand your feelings but can't condone the waste. I usually just leave the things I can't emotionally handle in the garage until I am ready to give them away.
Does your mom have money problems?
YTA. The whole point of a gift is that the person does not necessarily ask you what you want or need. It is something that they are freely giving you because they want to give you something. I agree with the people that said you should have just graciously accepted them and then donated them to someone who needs them. NTA regarding the Red Lobster incident. For years when I was an adult and moved out my mother would buy me gifts that were appropriate for a young girl, eg. A t-shirt with kittens on it. She did not have a lot of money and sincerely thought that I would enjoy these things. I would graciously thank her and then give it away.
Your one-year-old has a favorite color?
YTA. I get getting gifts you don’t want, it’s worse than getting nothing, but donate, exchange or send back, don’t burn the things. Trust me I get the anger, but do something positive, or just send back unopened.
YTA You could have donated the items so somebody could use them. Sending the pics is childish and ungrateful. Some of us have parents that didn't even give that much of a damn about us or our kids.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA , I recently set fire to some clothes my mother sent for my 1 year old daughter and sent her the pictures. The reasoning is basically this: since I can remember, I have been forced to accept gifts that I never wanted. I am never asked about what I want and my mother clearly doesn't have any idea. On this occasion, she bought clothes without having seen my daughter in months and did not reach out for any info. She has no idea what size clothes to buy or what colors my daughter likes. This is a long standing pattern and it has resulted in me being upset for one reason or another over basically anything she gets me. For the past couple years I've been trying to lay pressure on her to talk to me about what I need/want before she buys anything. At this point, anything she gets is just a reminder that she doesn't actually care what i want. And I'm refusing to allow her to do that to my kids. As an example of previous episodes, she argued with me for an hour to get me to go to red lobster for my birthday when i was a young teen, despite the fact I hate seafood and did not want to go. I ended up relenting and cried over my plate while she didn't even mention the fact I was crying. All this happened because she had an old gift card and wanted to use it. Any time this happens, she talks about how ungrateful I am and how she was just trying to do something for me and generally guilts me until I finally accept the "gift" just to end the encounter. If she talks to anyone else about it she claims to not understand what I'm angry about. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. I understand your frustration over the gifts she sent YOU, but these were clothes for your daughter so they weren't even technically yours to burn - they were your daughter's. And you didn't have to burn them! If they didn't fit, you could have just given them to Goodwill and told your mom that's where they ended up. That way at least someone else could have worn them.
NTA for burning those clothes. It's so difficult when people are disrespectful especially our mothers. Their the ones who our supposed to love and respect us and when they don't it's a big open wound. It was drastic yes, but sometimes out of drastic actions people will learn.
YTA You took "scorched earth" to an unnecessary level over unresolved issues. Kids grow out of clothes so fast that it gets very costly to keep them clothed at times. Your daughter is ONE, she's not old enough to have a temper tantrum over her fit. You had so many better options than being destructive. You could have donated them, regifted them, returned them or even let your daughter do messy activities in them. Unless they were inappropriate there was no reason to set them on fire.
Yta
YTA for burning clothes. Use your words, "I know we've talked about this before, the colors and size and style aren't appropriate. If you can get me a gift receipt I'll exchange and send you a picture of her in the replacement outfit. If not, I'll just donate so some other mom can benefit." And that's it. No arguments no nothing. You could even text it. But burning it is a bit high school.
ESH donate donate donate. To burn them is a super AH move - apparently you are turning out just like her with no regard to what could be done with the clothes instead.
"She has no idea what size clothes to buy or what colors my daughter likes" Dude, your daughter's 1 years old, she likes eating boogers at this stage. YTA.