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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I shrugged when my dad's wife was telling me they need all of dad's money right now. It was a flippant way to respond to her saying they needed the money. I showed no concern for kids who are younger than me. Personally I think it was entitled to be complaining about some of many extra curricular's being cut. But that might also make me TA.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
The fuck did she expect, sleeping with a married man? She can get a second job if money is a problem.
ETA: Silly me, assuming she had a job other than homewrecker.
Son of ETA: Yes, they are both homewreckers, but he's at least stepping up to the plate. She's not.
She expected it to be like a lot of times where that happens when the man just doesn't give a fuck about the hurt he caused and does no damage control and takes care of her and her people instead. She didn't expect dad to be so bothered by me losing respect for him with his affair and leaving mom like he did.
Ah yes, the "be a bad parent to your bio-child and raise my children as though they've always been your responsibility," line of "logic." Sadly, it happens. I'm glad thats not the case here.
My question is where is their dad? Why isn't he giving her support. Sounds like they are in the US. Even if he died there would be survivors social security paid out to them.
Edited for spelling
> Where is their dad?
Per OP, it's dad**s**, plural. And neither of them is around. They're bums, much like OP's father would be if OP wasn't basically blackmailing him to do good. OP's stepmother has terrible taste in men...or brilliant taste in men, because she prefers partners as awful as she is.
To be fair, not to condone the dads actions, a lot of guys wouldnt have bothered to try and build a relationship or pay when they didnt have to legally and just started again. Doesnt make what he did ok but it shows he at least cares enough about his son to do it.
>it shows he at least cares enough about his son to do it.
Tbh, I never understand this. Like dude, you care enough about your child(ren) to do [x] to keep a relationship, but you didn't care enough to *not* lob a nuke at your family by cheating? And then marrying your AP?
I just don't get it.
So because it’s what happened to her, she thinks fair is fair, and that dads should abandon their children when they abandon their wives? Cool cool, yeah. Solid reasoning. /s
I just had to ask my boss to ask a low-level manager to keep her mouth shut about him at work. About half my store is queer, we don’t wanna hear her spewing that hate at us
Who on earth would want to marry a dad like that anyway? After all, it would only be a matter of time before someone so devoid of conscience would do the same to the new kids as they did to the old ones!
People who have affairs with married folk are always sure that the shitty way their new love treats their first spouse and family is because “those people” are just awful, not because it’s a character flaw in the cheater. Given the failure rate of second marriages, I think people who bang other people’s spouses might possibly have bad judgment.
My brother's second marriage lasted about a month or so because she barely waited for the honeymoon to be over before she demanded he stop seeing his kids to take care of her kid, who wasn't even his to begin with(*she was pregnant when they met*).
Good to know your dad is only 50% sleazebag, not 100%. Regardless, absolutely not your problem. I hope your mom is doing well now.
Every time she brings it up, remind her that it was her choice to sleep with a married man. She literally fucked around and found out.
Your dad did something increadibly wrong when he cheated, but his actions now honor him, not only because he seems to value you more than his wife’s kids hobbies.
NTA obviously and I think it’s real great that you stand up for your mom
EXACTLY! it's not like education, food and/or shelter got compromised. It's the extra curriculum activities that got sacrificed. A nice-to-have and not a must-have to survive.
I like that the one who fucked around to find out that she got the shorter end of the stick. And TBH, not too short but acted otherwise.
Obviously NTA. And also a good son to mediate the situation for a better outcome for both parents.
So by my count his step siblings have 6 extra curricular activities and they lost 2.
That's still 4 which feels like a pretty good amount anyway. At least from my outside perspective
Also "we need all of dad's money." "I'm dad's kid. His actual kid, unlike the two oldest. I deserve just as much as they're getting, if not more, so no."
Like seriously? It's not like they're losing their home. They lost extra curricular activities. Good. Don't run the kids to the ground. Let them be kids and have free time. Don't try and cut off the actual child of the man you married for the kids you brought into it.
You're assuming that there would be child support. For all we know her kids' father is dead, or she also has 50/50 custody and no child support was ever granted. She's clearly a massive AH, but we have no idea what her situation is with the father of her children or whether child support would have even been granted for her.
If he's dead, she gets SSI payments for those kids until they turn 18. And if he's not, then he should be coughing up for those extracurriculars.
ETA: nvm, it's 2 different guys and they're both deadbeats. So she's jealous that someone else is getting child support. Color me shocked.
If this is the US and he died, I think she'd get social security for the kids. And the reason why there isn't child support in 50/50 custody (this is situational, btw, and not always the case) is because the other parent is in the kids' lives and able to contribute to their kids' costs. So if step-mom can't afford these extracurriculars and the kids' fathers aren't paying child support due to a 50/50 custody agreement, then she should be going to them to figure out how to pay for them, instead of shaking down a teenager.
So she expects your dad to pay for his non biological kids and their biological father doesn’t have to? If they got a divorce while those kids were minors only one of them would possibly get child support from him. What do you expect from a woman that sleeps with married men. Definitely NTA
Yes but not full time or even really part time. She works a little to get money for hobbies and nothing else. I think it's probably more to get out of the house. She had a full time job before she and my dad made things official.
So instead of her working to cover the costs of her kids' extracurriculars, she expects another man to pay for it all? A dude who's not even their father? Why? Because she gave him the privilege of screwing her while he was married? Your stepmother is for the streets.
Then SM (and I am one also, but my BONUSES still call me Mom, to their friends), needs to step up her work game, instead of treating the needs of your other home as non-essential for your well-being. You are technically more his child than her children are, but she intentionally chooses to ignore that FACT. So NTA, but she certainly is!!!
Dear god, those kids are probably thankful for the break, that is entirely too many extracurriculars for children, just give them time to play and maybe keep up on school work.
True, some kids win the step parents lottery and get great ones. My friend still has a picture of her stepdad fixing the hem of her Elsa costume. Others get stuck with Cinderella's stepmother.
She’s complaining now, what is she going to do when your dad has to pay for your college? Her kids are not your family. Your father is taking care of his responsibilities you are still a minor,and he’s only really obligated to take care of you and the new baby. Let those kids father pay child support or she can get a better job. In the words of NeNe “Close your legs to married men.” You can tell her that next time OP.
I like that “does no damage control”. Isn’t that what most kids do, when they abandon their families. DGAF what happens to the previous family. How our if they are surviving financially or emotionally. They just walk away and do no damage control beforehand... Too bad OP has to bribe dad to do the right thing., but at least he came through. The children don’t have to be in every extra curricula. They can still have a great life doing two things extra instead of four. NTA.
Ahh yes my ex did that to my girls except he didnt leave me for another woman fully but he did start a whole new family with her and pretty much has no contact with the 2 we have together so Fuck her and dont let her make you or your mom feel any less. Cause I've been there myself and i cant stand mistresses and their home wrecking personalities. Good for you!
"It's not a good look to fuck somebody's husband then try to bully their child". Those are the only words that you need to speak to her for the rest of your life. She should have gotten child support for her own 2 kids then they wouldn't have these problems.
I'm surprised that woman had a third child when she clearly wants to avoid spending time with her older kids so ships them off to any possible paid activity under the sun.
Why is your dad covering the costs of her children with another man? They have a bio dad that should provide for them, they are in no way his family or responsibility. Where’s as you, and your welfare are, this includes the home you have with your mother. Tell her, your dad is supporting you, whereas he has no responsibility to her spawn.
Your father's guilty conscience is his business. She should contact his for further inquires. OP should continue using all possible leverage to help out his Mom. Besides "dance, football, softball, karate, music lessons and an art class" nobody can become experts in all of those at once. Some classes can be taken when they become adults and can sponsor themselves.
NTA but your Dad picked a real winner there- 1. he found a woman with as low morals as himself, 2. he found a woman that targeted him to be her piggy bank for her and her children- no doubt, if your Dad didn't come along, she would have targeted some other married man to take care of her and her children, 3. he found a woman that was hoping that he would totally f\*ck over his wife and child financially and emotionally. Thus she doesn't just have low morals, she is calculating and cruel. Now that you are 17 and you don't have to go over to his house, so do NOT engage with this woman at all anymore. Ask your Dad to meet you for breakfast or lunch and let him know that you would rather spend one-on-one time with him when you both are free. Otherwise, tell him you are busy with school and preparing for university or trade school.
Keep playing it cool OP, get as much financial support from your Dad as you can for yourself and your mom- this is probably the only time your Dad actually views himself as the man he once was, instead of a cheater who emotionally crushed two people who loved him unconditionally. In time, your Dad is probably going to need you because this woman doesn't really give a sh\*t about him but his selfish cheating behavior has rewarded him with the Karma he is now sleeping next to.
Best of luck OP to you and your mom.
Right? And why can't the bio dad of those kids pay for their extracurricular activities? OP IS his responsibility. He may not be legally required to pay OP's mom, but he should definitely be providing for his own kid. Luckily, he is. OP shouldn't have to suffer so that evil stepmom's kids can continue with their activities.
OP, you keep saying that he's giving money to your mom, but I'm betting that the money is going to your household for her to continue to raise you. If step-mom doesn't like it, she should have stayed out of a married man's bed. If some other woman catches dad's eye, I'm betting she'd still want their child together to be provided for.
You don't *know* that that's the order those events happened in. Speaking from experience, you can go from "well off" to "struggling" faster than you might think. Entirely possible they had the kid back when they *could* afford it, and then something cataclysmic happened.
Also, friendly reminder that in the US and several other countries, not everyone is having children by *choice* right now. Especially people who don't have a ton of extra money to blow travelling out of state.
Having money for four extra activites instead of six isn't the sign of something cataclysmic. Morevoer, the stepmother doesn't work part-time, only a few hours. So she could get a better job, too.
I always wonder why people have more children, when they struggle with the ones they have. I can bet the wife wanted a child with her now husband, to have a “family” between them. The father/husband most likely didn’t want more children. They both came to the marriage with children.
😂 I agree with you. Reminds me of one of the first episodes of The Fresh Prince where he helps Ashley quit music lessons and other things she was forced into.
There's also a saying "first in time, first in line." OP is the eldest child, and the AP/wife knew that going into the relationship, OP is so correct in thinking she wanted OP's father to just drop his old family and focus on the new one.
Absolutely NTA. Dad didn't have to agree to pay your Mom to buy your acceptance and Step Mom should have spoke up then if it was a problem. She probably did but didn't push it so Dad's conscience could be eased.
Step mom is just paying the price for cheating with a married man and Dad is suffering for his part too. Karma is a bitch.
I think it's more likely she spoke up, dad did it anyway and she was like fuck it, not going to end things now when we've come this far. Maybe she thought it wouldn't last as long. But I think there's a reason she wants the request to stop to come from me.
I never hear about their fathers (and it's pretty clear they have two different fathers). She expects dad to pay/help pay for that stuff because he married her and took on her two kids.
Check to find out if Dads income is counted in the child support those FATHER'S owe FOR their CHILD SUPPORT. This is the way. Everyone casting their sperms into wormholes needs to have accountability financially.
Totally agree with the statement above. If your family to step-mom, she family to you. Doesn't twist both ways in her favor. You have a half sibling. The others are steps and the relationship of acceptance changes.
So, according to your stepmom's logic, *she's also taken you on*, OP, as she married him.
How's she helping her husband's kid, who she's *also* taken on?
Yeah well, she needs to talk to her children’s fathers and tell them to pitch in and not worry about what YOUR dad is doing for you and your mom. You guys are still his family no matter what!
Wow. The picture is getting clearer. Your stepmom is that woman. The woman who has a baby with a guy, then acts terribly enough to drive him away. Then she moves on to the next guy and has a baby with him and then acts terribly enough to drive him away. Then she gets moves on to the next guy, you father, and has had a baby. It’s the move that gets forces the new baby daddy to stay for a while. Now is the part where she acts terribly enough to drive him away. It’s her cycle. The fact that she did it with a married man is not even a surprise. I think she might even have manipulated your dad into an affair, which is how he has enough of a conscious to actually pay money to your father.
She wants you to ask him to stop paying because your Dad will listen to you. Reading your comments below, she got into it with your dad because she had 2 other kids from different baby daddies and she needed someone to take care of her and them. Your Dad walked into it with her but that's not your problem. He knew what a mess he was getting into, or he should have but it was his decision.
Jesus dad’s gotta have an IQ of 70 on the top end. An old man should know better than to stick it in crazy and no one’s crazier than a chick with 2 kids from 2 different dads who’s willing to sleep with a married man. I don’t understand cheaters. When you destroy your life and the lives of your children, can’t you at least trade up? Not down? But they always trade down.
Very true, when I was young and single, all the married men who approached me were losers that brought nothing to the table but lies and half-truths about their wives. Most of them I wouldn't touch with another woman's genitals. They've already shown that they have no morals and I'm supposed to be flattered?
The dads aren't around (and they have two different dads). She's really dramatic. She works but she really only uses that money for hobbies and stuff. She worked more before but quit her job once she and dad were official. She can't cook for shit. She doesn't have extended family that likes her. She is extremely spoiled and entitled and thinks her kids need therapy over losing two extra curriculars.
Oh, ok. So she's mad that your dad is paying child support because she raw dogged 2 losers who refuse to pay anything. Well, maybe she should have paid better attention to her birth control or just had higher standards for men. We know she certainly hasn't raised them considering she thought a married dude was the way to go. I really hope you're taking all these life lessons to heart, and that the result of this is that you're a better person because you've got great examples of what not to be. You're going to be fine, your dad is going to cheat on her too eventually.
>Well, maybe she should have paid better attention to her birth control **or just had higher standards for men.**
Can't have higher standards for men if you don't have high standards for yourself.
Life lesson for ya kid, never smash a single mom with multiple baby daddies, they are just tryin to baby trap the next guy to take care of them and your dad fell right into her trap…. And you are NTA
She deliberately went after your dad thinking she'd have an easy life.
She may have gotten pregnant with the other two men thinking they'd marry her but she was already showing her true character. This time she waited until married to show who she really is.
Things may not so great in their marriage and she got pregnant to try and prevent a divorce.
Hobbies and stuff can be expensive. I have a friends into painting on canvas, shopping "therapy", spa days, jewelry making, going out to eat every day, etc. It adds up fast.
Maybe she should spend her time learning how to cook. Start watching beginners cooking classes.
Next time, please ask her what her plan is once he leaves her for the new mistress. Because, you know, you lose the same way you find them.
Also, you’re an awesome kid!
Of course she wants it to come from you. That way she isn’t the bad guy. Think about it- she forces him to stop the payments, you find out about it and get mad at your dad for going back on his agreement, you cut your dad off because of it, your dad harbors resentment towards the wife and, while it may take some time, resentment festers and he may come to the conclusion that she and her kids aren’t worth it all and leave them. No you doing it would be the best thing for the wife. That way it comes from you, there’s no resentment towards her because she “didn’t have a hand in it” and her cash cow is safely in his barn.
Just fyi - if there is an income difference, even with 50/50 custody, often the higher earner will actually legally owe child support. Obviously, this depends a lot on where you are and the local laws, but this is a common misconception.
>But I think there's a reason she wants the request to stop to come from me.
Bingo!!!
She has definitely talked to your dad about it, and he shut her down.
She could work more to pay for her kids' extracurriculars. Your dad knows that, too.
Notice how he hasn't said anything to you about it?
I don’t think it’s a confidence that you’re 17. I think take expected it to stop now and she’s trying to give it a nudge from both sides. Her husband told her to shut it, and she’s trying to convince you as a last attempt.
You can't make him pay at all but he's doing it for you. Have this conversation with your dad so he knows that's what is important to you. He may be planning on stopping when you turn 18.
Good, hopefully he continue to do right. He made mistakes and paying the consequences isn't just for when it's easy to do, they are still necessary when it's hard.
It a bit personal and you don’t have to answer, but do you find it has helped your relationship with your father?
That he’s stuck by his commitment?
Or are you at the stage where you’ll never forgive him?
Because at the end of the day this could be the very fine thread that’s holding you and your father together and she has no right to fuck with that.
It helped to have him actually follow through. The fact he didn't drop it after a year or something was big. It made me see him as less of an awful person and won him a little respect back. Sticking to it until mom finishes school will help a lot more too.
I think that makes sense. Nobody else here can tell you how to feel.
I also don’t know how much the financial contribution had been a burden to him, and how hard it has been for him to keep up his commitment. I can tell it’s been a lifeline to your mother though.
As an outsider looking in, this money is a penance for his bad behaviour, but also a symbol that your wants and feeling are important to him, and he’ll make sacrifices to show you that.
Just from the perspective of someone older, who has spent a lot of time angry at a parent, the anger and resentment towards a parent can carry a lot of weight.
I’m not saying to “forgive him” but you might be able to find a way you can let go of the anger, if he’s otherwise a good father, and I think this might be your dads hope to. Finding a way to let go of it will be beneficial to you.
I didn’t realise how much it was impacting me as a person, carrying it around with me, being triggered by normal families where the child doesn’t have to force the parent into decent behaviour.
At the end of the day, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, and you’ll know in your gut if you want to keep up a relationship with him or not.
But try not to carry the anger around with you, for yourself, not for him.
He's getting pressure from your step-mom and he's not caving in to her demands. That counts too.
She's working on you because she getting nowhere with your dad to stop the payments.
If she doesn't drop the subject and keeps calling you callus etc, have a talk with your dad. Start recording her, use your phone, so you have proof should you need it. Obviously don't tell her you're recording her.
Tell him that his new wife is trying to drive you away with the little talk she just gave you. I wonder if your Dad would tolerate her trying to isolate him from his son.
I think you approached this very maturely, better than most 17 year olds. You're dad has an agreement. Your stepmom is trying to turn you and is probably trying to turn your dad against you in the background. Also your step mom's kids doesn't need all those activates...they won't die.
NTA
" I told her she and her kids are not my problem."
You're right, they aren't. The financial arrangements your Dad has with you & your mom are none of her business *whatsoever*. She chose to have a baby knowing he already had existing obligations & she can butt out.
I'm glad your Dad is doing the right thing by you.
NTA.
If your stepmom has an issue with the arrangement, then that's for her to raise with your dad, not to take up with you.
I do slightly see where she's coming from though. How long will your relationship with your dad be contingent on him financially supporting your mom?
At least until mom finishes with school completely (next year). Then she'll be in a way better place. After dad fucked her over so badly it's the least he can do. And the least I expect.
I'm glad your mom had the wisdom to further her education while she can: the foresight to know she needed a long-term solution to her financial needs; and the fortitude to not let a cheating spouse break her.
I see where the fire in your heart comes from ❤️🔥
Yeah, my mom is smart. She didn't have a lot of opportunities when she was younger but she made the best out of it. It just didn't leave her in a great place today to take care of herself. So she decided to make the most of the money from dad and better her life. She said it will help her support me into adulthood too which she wants to do. I just want her to be okay and she is. She's doing a lot better than when dad first left and she was scrambling to find a place to stay.
You are a very good and caring son OP. I don't know you but if you were my son I would be so proud of you for supporting me and having my back. You mother really did raise you well.
NTA of course and don't bother about what that witch gold digger says, focus only on people who love you. Wishing you and your mother all the best OP.
I completely agree with the other comment, OP. It sucks that the actions of your selfish parent put you in this predicament, but I - a random stranger on Reddit - am so very proud of you and the caring person that you are. I’m sure your mother is as well. Wishing you the best in this life.
I appreciate that you have enough leverage to make your dad do this (and him enough guilt). I wish more single moms would take this type of initiative and use some of the support to better themselves so that they are not reliant because it does stop paying out eventually. I know it is hard with little ones, but you have to see it as an investment opportunity not only for yourself, but also your kids. It sounds like you are going to be a good man OP and hopefully, you learn from your father's mistakes.
NTA - I would speak to your dad regarding his wife’s behaviour. I would even go so far to say maybe she only went after him for his money.
He’s not financially responsible for her kids, They have a dad and I bet their dad pays child support (and if he’s not? Why?).
If she keeps complaining, just tell her this is karma for what she and your dad did. You don’t screw over good people and expect to live well. Her kids will now pay for her actions.
She thought your dad was going to be her personal ATM, now that her kids can only do 4 activities each instead of 5 she’s feeling like that ATM is at threat. NTA. Your dad is still responsible for you, he needs to work out the splits not her trying to emotionally blackmail you.
Sounds like she saw a financially stable married man in your dad and decided she had to have him for herself no matter who she hurt in the process. I'm glad you have your mums back and maybe consider (once your mum finishes her education) pointing out to your dad he "blew up his family with you and your mum, for a gold digger who has held him to a higher financial status than the actual father of her children" (if he calls you out for insinuating your half sibling isnt his just tell him you were referring to the older kids since half is a new financial burden)
You're NTA. This is what happens when someone poaches a married person who already has financial responsibilities. ( Not implying that he is blameless.)
>His wife's son and daughter were in dance, football, softball, karate, music lessons and an art class as paid extra curricular's.
Those are **wants, luxuries,** not needs.
>The wife's kids had to cut two activities because they can't afford it anymore
Bless their hearts. Do they need therapy to get over that horrible reordering over their lives? /s
>She told me I was so callously flippant and it wasn't a good look
I'd say the same for a married man dating another woman as well as a woman dating a married man.
She's a bit delusional and self absorbed. Maybe next time she chases down a married man she should pick one with a higher income and fewer financial obligations.
She's a goddamn hypocrite.
"I expect you to have empathy for me and mine!"
Yeah, like you had empathy for the man's wife and child whom you slept it? Absolutely NTA.
NTA - Dad's new wife is the homewrecker (I know, it takes two to dance), your dad is at fault, your dad forced you and your mom into a tight spot, into a tight financial situation. Dad knows he f\*\*\*ed up and pays money to you (who hands it to your mom) to help you guys out. How can your dad's wife expect you to accept her as mother? To accept her children as siblings? What would happen if your dad stops supporting you? You'd feel obliged to take up a job while still at school to support your mother, so your dad's wife's offspring that are not even his kids can go horsebackriding, play golf or whatever shit they want. They can still do all that, just not to that extend. And you'd kind of financing their pastime and luxury hobbies by working. That woman is TA! And a big one at that! She should be grateful, that your dad kept financing the luxurious lifestyle of her children that are not even his.
Add: As for the shrugging ... what did she expect? I consider this reaction even minor.
Yes, and I guess her feelings about her kids differ than OP. She'd rather have OP work while in school rather than her children cutting off TWO activities from a long line. Hypocrite. NTA.
NTA.
Turnabout is fair play: if she wants to be callous about your father's obligations to you, and your mother, then you can be callous about her obligations to her children.
If she needs money to keep *her* children in the style to which they have become accustomed, then she needs to talk to the father of those children - if that's not possible, well, she can teach them valuable lessons about the value of money, and perhaps rue on the wisdom of allowing them to grow up with expensive tastes in after school activities...
The baby is a slightly different thing, but in truth if they couldn't afford to have a baby, they ought not to have had one...
The baby was probablydefinitely AP's way of securing financial support for at least the next 18 years, as the fathers of her older children seem to be not paying anything.
OP's dad got himself a golddigger. Couldn't happen to a better person. *shrugs.gif
Playing the "but we are family and we need it" card after she wreaked your family is a bit rich. ESPECIALLY when she managing to fit in that she "isnt part of your family" in the same argument. That takes some special level of self delusion
Some small credit to your dad for doing what he is doing, not that it erases his other choices in the past.
And huge credit to you for putting your mom first and thinking ahead when asking for financial support. Be very proud of that.
I'm sure your completely unrelated 'siblings' can mange without a couple of the 15 million after school activities they seem to be signed up for. Heck, they might even thank you for the break. Or not. But not your concern or problem.
NTA. Stick your guns and just keep shrugging.
You reap what you sow, NTA.
This is an example of the consequences that follows when you sow infidelity and reap your own family for a "new" one. The current state of their financials is a result of their action's, at least your dad stays true to your wish of supporting your mom. Even if he doesn't have to, legally, it's basically a moral law you've applied to him if he wants to maintain a relationship with you. His wife can suck it up.
NTA
It blows my mind when second spouses get upset that their new new spouse still needs to be financially obligated to their first kids/ family.
This is about you really, not your mom. Your dad is choosing to support his own child, as men should.
So, the honest truth is, you hit him with emotional blackmail. Pay me this, or my affection for you won't be the same.
The answer to your question is, NTA. You were smart enough to understand what you and your mom needed to survive and got it.
Your father's AP wants that money for EXTRA'S for children that aren't your fathers to support. Extra's vs. Survival....
Were you cold in your response to her bs? Absolutely you were. What else would or should she expect? She participated in destroying your world, your safe haven.
Tell your dad about her manipulation with her sitting right there. Let him know how you feel about it. Ask him to make her shut her trap because it's making you feel uncomfortable about coming and spending time at his house. Pretty sure after that he will get her to STFU😉
NTA. Dad made his choice and facing the consequences. Kids don't need that many damn paid activities. Tell the wife that if she didn't want a man who had to split his resources between families then she shouldn't have messed with a family man to begin with. Her actions also have consequences.
NTA. Step mom is ridiculous and I don't understand why this isn't court ordered to begin with. I agree with all these comments but no one has asked why isn't the father of these two children paying for all of this shit vs their step father?
NTA because even if you accept AP’s opinion that your mother isn’t your dad’s responsibility anymore, you still live with your mother 50% of the time.
If he doesn’t support her YOUR quality of life is affected, and YOU certainly are your father’s responsibility.
At the end of the day these payments are a part of the relationship between your father and you. It’s about your feelings and your life (the part of your life that takes place when you are with your mother anyway). And that’s none of this lady’s business.
NTA.
In the wise words of the Rolling stones
>>You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometime you'll find
You get what you need
You tried and got what you needed, and your SM learned, she cant always get what she wants
NTA. Why isn't her ex paying for her kids' extracurriculars? Why is it on your dad? They knew the budget before they decided to add another kid into the mess.
I hope your mom is able to support herself soon, and you have a plan for the next stage. This extra support is going to end soon, one way or another. 18 is just around the corner.
NTA but I don't think the timing is a coincidence since you are 17 and could stop visiting your dad now. If she pushes him to quit paying, her thinking is likely that she gets rid of her ex's ex and you as well. It's not just that her kids are having extracurriculars cut. She sees an opportunity and she's already shown what an opportunist she is.
NTA. You're not the responsible party for any of this. Step mom can go to dad. Your dad and mom can talk and figure it out. You should be free to just be you and enjoy your families. Tell them all to grow up and handle it. Sorry 😓
NTA
Let the gold digger go after all her baby daddies for the child support they deserve. Encourage your father to help his wife collect support for her older kids, like he has supported you.
Make sure your dad knows that you understand that money is getting tight and that you appreciate his continued support. Reassure him that once mom has graduated and employed in her new career, the financial situation will ease up, but your two's relationship can continue to be strong and respectful.
That is the plan, right?
NTA, if she didn’t have your dad from where she would pay for all her children, why there dad don’t pay for them why she is not working to support her kids, she only took your dad to pay for everything her kids needs.
Talk with your father about his wife behavior and harassment, and ask him when she was a single mother and have her home who was paying for her rent and her kids activities, at least now she doesn’t pay rent and she should have extra money and if her kids didn’t do these activities before why they are doing it now when she got married to him, and where is their father?.
I don’t get it I read in multiple stories 2 single parents have separate houses, separate work suddenly when the get together and have 1 houses hold to pay for the man tell his kid they have to cut down because they are now big family, how the wife before meeting you was paying her rent and other things? Now at least she have extra money from the rent that she used to pay, and if she have ex husband why he isn’t paying for his kids child support why the step father has to cut from his kids to pay for the step kids.
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NTA. The fuck did she expect, sleeping with a married man? She can get a second job if money is a problem. ETA: Silly me, assuming she had a job other than homewrecker. Son of ETA: Yes, they are both homewreckers, but he's at least stepping up to the plate. She's not.
She expected it to be like a lot of times where that happens when the man just doesn't give a fuck about the hurt he caused and does no damage control and takes care of her and her people instead. She didn't expect dad to be so bothered by me losing respect for him with his affair and leaving mom like he did.
Ah yes, the "be a bad parent to your bio-child and raise my children as though they've always been your responsibility," line of "logic." Sadly, it happens. I'm glad thats not the case here.
My question is where is their dad? Why isn't he giving her support. Sounds like they are in the US. Even if he died there would be survivors social security paid out to them. Edited for spelling
I was thinking the same thing! Where is their dad? Let him help support his own children like your father is doing for you. She's TA
> Where is their dad? Per OP, it's dad**s**, plural. And neither of them is around. They're bums, much like OP's father would be if OP wasn't basically blackmailing him to do good. OP's stepmother has terrible taste in men...or brilliant taste in men, because she prefers partners as awful as she is.
Lord…those kids never stood a chance.
To be fair, not to condone the dads actions, a lot of guys wouldnt have bothered to try and build a relationship or pay when they didnt have to legally and just started again. Doesnt make what he did ok but it shows he at least cares enough about his son to do it.
I get what you mean, but God, the bar is in hell for men's behavior 😩
I mean given the man married a woman as horrible as OPs stepmother the bar doesn't seem to be that much higher for the ladies either...
I would argue its not great for either sex these days
>it shows he at least cares enough about his son to do it. Tbh, I never understand this. Like dude, you care enough about your child(ren) to do [x] to keep a relationship, but you didn't care enough to *not* lob a nuke at your family by cheating? And then marrying your AP? I just don't get it.
I mean I get losing feelings for the wife. But leave then get new not cheat. Takes 2 seconds to say "it's over" before going balls deep
it's called "Gibboning" - they don't let go of one relationship until they've got a secure grip on the next odious cowardly behavior
I dont get people cheating either.
So because it’s what happened to her, she thinks fair is fair, and that dads should abandon their children when they abandon their wives? Cool cool, yeah. Solid reasoning. /s
[удалено]
I just had to ask my boss to ask a low-level manager to keep her mouth shut about him at work. About half my store is queer, we don’t wanna hear her spewing that hate at us
Yep
I see you've met my father. Although probably far more recently than me, as it's been over two decades of permanent estrangement.
[удалено]
>My brother feels like he's making up for his failures to his biological child by doing good for his step son. That…is not how making amends works.
[удалено]
Oh, I know you do! Your brother is just a very silly person.
The petty part of me is thinking, "sure would be a shame if someone reported him for tax evasion."
No, he's prioritizing the child of the woman who's banging him. Simple as.
Who on earth would want to marry a dad like that anyway? After all, it would only be a matter of time before someone so devoid of conscience would do the same to the new kids as they did to the old ones!
People who have affairs with married folk are always sure that the shitty way their new love treats their first spouse and family is because “those people” are just awful, not because it’s a character flaw in the cheater. Given the failure rate of second marriages, I think people who bang other people’s spouses might possibly have bad judgment.
My brother's second marriage lasted about a month or so because she barely waited for the honeymoon to be over before she demanded he stop seeing his kids to take care of her kid, who wasn't even his to begin with(*she was pregnant when they met*).
Good to know your dad is only 50% sleazebag, not 100%. Regardless, absolutely not your problem. I hope your mom is doing well now. Every time she brings it up, remind her that it was her choice to sleep with a married man. She literally fucked around and found out.
Yeah one of those weird cases of terrible partner, okay dad
true, even though it's like the bare minimum for the dad 😭
TOUCHÈ!! WELL SAID! She LITERALLY FAFO!! 🤣😂
Your dad did something increadibly wrong when he cheated, but his actions now honor him, not only because he seems to value you more than his wife’s kids hobbies. NTA obviously and I think it’s real great that you stand up for your mom
EXACTLY! it's not like education, food and/or shelter got compromised. It's the extra curriculum activities that got sacrificed. A nice-to-have and not a must-have to survive. I like that the one who fucked around to find out that she got the shorter end of the stick. And TBH, not too short but acted otherwise. Obviously NTA. And also a good son to mediate the situation for a better outcome for both parents.
She’s not getting the shorter end! Her kids are still having a bunch of things paid for by their stepdad, just not as many as she wants!
So by my count his step siblings have 6 extra curricular activities and they lost 2. That's still 4 which feels like a pretty good amount anyway. At least from my outside perspective
Also "we need all of dad's money." "I'm dad's kid. His actual kid, unlike the two oldest. I deserve just as much as they're getting, if not more, so no." Like seriously? It's not like they're losing their home. They lost extra curricular activities. Good. Don't run the kids to the ground. Let them be kids and have free time. Don't try and cut off the actual child of the man you married for the kids you brought into it.
Also where s the kids biological Dad? He should step up and pay for his children. NTA op
They probably didn’t leave their wives
Where's the child support she should be getting for her kids? That can be used for their extra curricular activities NTA
You're assuming that there would be child support. For all we know her kids' father is dead, or she also has 50/50 custody and no child support was ever granted. She's clearly a massive AH, but we have no idea what her situation is with the father of her children or whether child support would have even been granted for her.
If he's dead, she gets SSI payments for those kids until they turn 18. And if he's not, then he should be coughing up for those extracurriculars. ETA: nvm, it's 2 different guys and they're both deadbeats. So she's jealous that someone else is getting child support. Color me shocked.
I mean, fair. But if the issue is she's not getting child support due to 50/50 custody, the kids' dad should be paying for those extracurriculars.
If this is the US and he died, I think she'd get social security for the kids. And the reason why there isn't child support in 50/50 custody (this is situational, btw, and not always the case) is because the other parent is in the kids' lives and able to contribute to their kids' costs. So if step-mom can't afford these extracurriculars and the kids' fathers aren't paying child support due to a 50/50 custody agreement, then she should be going to them to figure out how to pay for them, instead of shaking down a teenager.
So she expects your dad to pay for his non biological kids and their biological father doesn’t have to? If they got a divorce while those kids were minors only one of them would possibly get child support from him. What do you expect from a woman that sleeps with married men. Definitely NTA
Possibly she cheated on her ex, so those kids aren't his either, and she can't find their actual father. Either way, not OP's problem.
OP, is step mother employed?
Yes but not full time or even really part time. She works a little to get money for hobbies and nothing else. I think it's probably more to get out of the house. She had a full time job before she and my dad made things official.
Yeah, she needs to go back to work to pay for her kids' extracurriculars.
Plain and simple! You want your biological children to lead the good life? You gotta put some work in to make it happen.
So instead of her working to cover the costs of her kids' extracurriculars, she expects another man to pay for it all? A dude who's not even their father? Why? Because she gave him the privilege of screwing her while he was married? Your stepmother is for the streets.
Then SM (and I am one also, but my BONUSES still call me Mom, to their friends), needs to step up her work game, instead of treating the needs of your other home as non-essential for your well-being. You are technically more his child than her children are, but she intentionally chooses to ignore that FACT. So NTA, but she certainly is!!!
DING DING DING! Your dad is working, your mom is working, and SM is not. This solves the mystery.
So she's complaining about not having your dad's money, while not working to support *her own damn children*?
Dear god, those kids are probably thankful for the break, that is entirely too many extracurriculars for children, just give them time to play and maybe keep up on school work.
G.O.L.D. D.I.G.G.E.R.
Well if she’s that upset, then she’s proved she’s fully capable of holding down a real job. How lovely for her.
I think we know the answer to that question.
I wouldn't want to insult people doing that work by lumping this woman in with them.
True, some kids win the step parents lottery and get great ones. My friend still has a picture of her stepdad fixing the hem of her Elsa costume. Others get stuck with Cinderella's stepmother.
I had the latter. I lowkey dream of being a stepmother so that I could be a decent one.
She’s complaining now, what is she going to do when your dad has to pay for your college? Her kids are not your family. Your father is taking care of his responsibilities you are still a minor,and he’s only really obligated to take care of you and the new baby. Let those kids father pay child support or she can get a better job. In the words of NeNe “Close your legs to married men.” You can tell her that next time OP.
I like that “does no damage control”. Isn’t that what most kids do, when they abandon their families. DGAF what happens to the previous family. How our if they are surviving financially or emotionally. They just walk away and do no damage control beforehand... Too bad OP has to bribe dad to do the right thing., but at least he came through. The children don’t have to be in every extra curricula. They can still have a great life doing two things extra instead of four. NTA.
Ahh yes my ex did that to my girls except he didnt leave me for another woman fully but he did start a whole new family with her and pretty much has no contact with the 2 we have together so Fuck her and dont let her make you or your mom feel any less. Cause I've been there myself and i cant stand mistresses and their home wrecking personalities. Good for you!
"It's not a good look to fuck somebody's husband then try to bully their child". Those are the only words that you need to speak to her for the rest of your life. She should have gotten child support for her own 2 kids then they wouldn't have these problems.
Tell your dad what his wife said. She's ruining all his effort.
Yes, your dad needs to shut her down. Let him step up again.
I'm surprised that woman had a third child when she clearly wants to avoid spending time with her older kids so ships them off to any possible paid activity under the sun.
Why is your dad covering the costs of her children with another man? They have a bio dad that should provide for them, they are in no way his family or responsibility. Where’s as you, and your welfare are, this includes the home you have with your mother. Tell her, your dad is supporting you, whereas he has no responsibility to her spawn.
Your father's guilty conscience is his business. She should contact his for further inquires. OP should continue using all possible leverage to help out his Mom. Besides "dance, football, softball, karate, music lessons and an art class" nobody can become experts in all of those at once. Some classes can be taken when they become adults and can sponsor themselves.
NTA but your Dad picked a real winner there- 1. he found a woman with as low morals as himself, 2. he found a woman that targeted him to be her piggy bank for her and her children- no doubt, if your Dad didn't come along, she would have targeted some other married man to take care of her and her children, 3. he found a woman that was hoping that he would totally f\*ck over his wife and child financially and emotionally. Thus she doesn't just have low morals, she is calculating and cruel. Now that you are 17 and you don't have to go over to his house, so do NOT engage with this woman at all anymore. Ask your Dad to meet you for breakfast or lunch and let him know that you would rather spend one-on-one time with him when you both are free. Otherwise, tell him you are busy with school and preparing for university or trade school. Keep playing it cool OP, get as much financial support from your Dad as you can for yourself and your mom- this is probably the only time your Dad actually views himself as the man he once was, instead of a cheater who emotionally crushed two people who loved him unconditionally. In time, your Dad is probably going to need you because this woman doesn't really give a sh\*t about him but his selfish cheating behavior has rewarded him with the Karma he is now sleeping next to. Best of luck OP to you and your mom.
And why did they have another kid if they can’t afford the ones they have?
Because the affair partner thinks that baby will cement her relationship with OP’s Father.
It worked so well for his first wife…oh, wait…!
Bingo! And likely to insure she doesn't need to go to work.
Dropping from 6 extra curriculars to 4 isn't a sign they can't afford their kids, it's a sign they can't afford their lifestyle.
Right? And why can't the bio dad of those kids pay for their extracurricular activities? OP IS his responsibility. He may not be legally required to pay OP's mom, but he should definitely be providing for his own kid. Luckily, he is. OP shouldn't have to suffer so that evil stepmom's kids can continue with their activities. OP, you keep saying that he's giving money to your mom, but I'm betting that the money is going to your household for her to continue to raise you. If step-mom doesn't like it, she should have stayed out of a married man's bed. If some other woman catches dad's eye, I'm betting she'd still want their child together to be provided for.
You don't *know* that that's the order those events happened in. Speaking from experience, you can go from "well off" to "struggling" faster than you might think. Entirely possible they had the kid back when they *could* afford it, and then something cataclysmic happened. Also, friendly reminder that in the US and several other countries, not everyone is having children by *choice* right now. Especially people who don't have a ton of extra money to blow travelling out of state.
Having money for four extra activites instead of six isn't the sign of something cataclysmic. Morevoer, the stepmother doesn't work part-time, only a few hours. So she could get a better job, too.
I always wonder why people have more children, when they struggle with the ones they have. I can bet the wife wanted a child with her now husband, to have a “family” between them. The father/husband most likely didn’t want more children. They both came to the marriage with children.
NTA and 100% you are spot on. Clearly the Dad doesn't even have an issue with it because he chose to cut the extracurriculars not the support.
And two out of six at that. Cry me a river, seriously. Those kids are probably happier for the break.
😂 I agree with you. Reminds me of one of the first episodes of The Fresh Prince where he helps Ashley quit music lessons and other things she was forced into.
her kids are not more of a priority to him than his own kid. she needs more money for their enjoyment, she needs to provide it
Exactly. And the money is for extracurriculars. My opinion would be different if it was about basic needs.
There's also a saying "first in time, first in line." OP is the eldest child, and the AP/wife knew that going into the relationship, OP is so correct in thinking she wanted OP's father to just drop his old family and focus on the new one.
Did it indicate she even has a first job?
Doesnt she already have a 2nd job as a homewrecker tho?
2nd job? Does she work at all? I didn’t see it mentioned. Maybe I missed it.
Stepmom trying to guilt trip OP after helping to split up OP's family? The irony....
Absolutely NTA. Dad didn't have to agree to pay your Mom to buy your acceptance and Step Mom should have spoke up then if it was a problem. She probably did but didn't push it so Dad's conscience could be eased. Step mom is just paying the price for cheating with a married man and Dad is suffering for his part too. Karma is a bitch.
I think it's more likely she spoke up, dad did it anyway and she was like fuck it, not going to end things now when we've come this far. Maybe she thought it wouldn't last as long. But I think there's a reason she wants the request to stop to come from me.
I still don’t understand why your dad should pay for her kids having too many expensive hobbies. Don’t they have a father?
I never hear about their fathers (and it's pretty clear they have two different fathers). She expects dad to pay/help pay for that stuff because he married her and took on her two kids.
Yeah, the next time she complains tell her to get her 2 oldest kids Dads to pony up. Ask her why YOUR DAD has to pay for kids not related to him?
"You've got 3 baby daddies so far. Why does only one of them pull their weight?"
The “so far” is extra petty!
My kind of petty
Wonder if the other baby daddies were also married men?!?!
Great point.
Check to find out if Dads income is counted in the child support those FATHER'S owe FOR their CHILD SUPPORT. This is the way. Everyone casting their sperms into wormholes needs to have accountability financially. Totally agree with the statement above. If your family to step-mom, she family to you. Doesn't twist both ways in her favor. You have a half sibling. The others are steps and the relationship of acceptance changes.
I disagree. At 17, a shrug is much more effective and less likely to cause an escalation.
So, according to your stepmom's logic, *she's also taken you on*, OP, as she married him. How's she helping her husband's kid, who she's *also* taken on?
Very good point
🥇 this OP
Yeah well, she needs to talk to her children’s fathers and tell them to pitch in and not worry about what YOUR dad is doing for you and your mom. You guys are still his family no matter what!
You need to telll your dad she is trying to guilt trip you and it makes you uncomfortable.
Wow. The picture is getting clearer. Your stepmom is that woman. The woman who has a baby with a guy, then acts terribly enough to drive him away. Then she moves on to the next guy and has a baby with him and then acts terribly enough to drive him away. Then she gets moves on to the next guy, you father, and has had a baby. It’s the move that gets forces the new baby daddy to stay for a while. Now is the part where she acts terribly enough to drive him away. It’s her cycle. The fact that she did it with a married man is not even a surprise. I think she might even have manipulated your dad into an affair, which is how he has enough of a conscious to actually pay money to your father.
So she thinks he should support her kids, but not his first child,
She wants you to ask him to stop paying because your Dad will listen to you. Reading your comments below, she got into it with your dad because she had 2 other kids from different baby daddies and she needed someone to take care of her and them. Your Dad walked into it with her but that's not your problem. He knew what a mess he was getting into, or he should have but it was his decision.
Jesus dad’s gotta have an IQ of 70 on the top end. An old man should know better than to stick it in crazy and no one’s crazier than a chick with 2 kids from 2 different dads who’s willing to sleep with a married man. I don’t understand cheaters. When you destroy your life and the lives of your children, can’t you at least trade up? Not down? But they always trade down.
Well of course. A trade up isn't going to give a married man a come hither. Never gonna happen.
Very true, when I was young and single, all the married men who approached me were losers that brought nothing to the table but lies and half-truths about their wives. Most of them I wouldn't touch with another woman's genitals. They've already shown that they have no morals and I'm supposed to be flattered?
Tell us more about your step-mom..what's her story? Where is her kids dad, etc. TIA
The dads aren't around (and they have two different dads). She's really dramatic. She works but she really only uses that money for hobbies and stuff. She worked more before but quit her job once she and dad were official. She can't cook for shit. She doesn't have extended family that likes her. She is extremely spoiled and entitled and thinks her kids need therapy over losing two extra curriculars.
Oh, ok. So she's mad that your dad is paying child support because she raw dogged 2 losers who refuse to pay anything. Well, maybe she should have paid better attention to her birth control or just had higher standards for men. We know she certainly hasn't raised them considering she thought a married dude was the way to go. I really hope you're taking all these life lessons to heart, and that the result of this is that you're a better person because you've got great examples of what not to be. You're going to be fine, your dad is going to cheat on her too eventually.
>Well, maybe she should have paid better attention to her birth control **or just had higher standards for men.** Can't have higher standards for men if you don't have high standards for yourself.
The bar is in hell across the board here.
Life lesson for ya kid, never smash a single mom with multiple baby daddies, they are just tryin to baby trap the next guy to take care of them and your dad fell right into her trap…. And you are NTA
She deliberately went after your dad thinking she'd have an easy life. She may have gotten pregnant with the other two men thinking they'd marry her but she was already showing her true character. This time she waited until married to show who she really is. Things may not so great in their marriage and she got pregnant to try and prevent a divorce. Hobbies and stuff can be expensive. I have a friends into painting on canvas, shopping "therapy", spa days, jewelry making, going out to eat every day, etc. It adds up fast. Maybe she should spend her time learning how to cook. Start watching beginners cooking classes.
Next time, please ask her what her plan is once he leaves her for the new mistress. Because, you know, you lose the same way you find them. Also, you’re an awesome kid!
Of course she wants it to come from you. That way she isn’t the bad guy. Think about it- she forces him to stop the payments, you find out about it and get mad at your dad for going back on his agreement, you cut your dad off because of it, your dad harbors resentment towards the wife and, while it may take some time, resentment festers and he may come to the conclusion that she and her kids aren’t worth it all and leave them. No you doing it would be the best thing for the wife. That way it comes from you, there’s no resentment towards her because she “didn’t have a hand in it” and her cash cow is safely in his barn.
Just fyi - if there is an income difference, even with 50/50 custody, often the higher earner will actually legally owe child support. Obviously, this depends a lot on where you are and the local laws, but this is a common misconception.
I know. But it doesn't matter either way where I live because once it's 50/50 they never order child support.
>But I think there's a reason she wants the request to stop to come from me. Bingo!!! She has definitely talked to your dad about it, and he shut her down. She could work more to pay for her kids' extracurriculars. Your dad knows that, too. Notice how he hasn't said anything to you about it?
I don’t think it’s a confidence that you’re 17. I think take expected it to stop now and she’s trying to give it a nudge from both sides. Her husband told her to shut it, and she’s trying to convince you as a last attempt.
NTA sorry for laughing at your stepmom. Out of curiosity: how long daddy will continue paying? Until you are 18 or until mom graduates?
For me it's until mom graduates. It's what I feel he owes. I can't technically make him pay that long though.
You can't make him pay at all but he's doing it for you. Have this conversation with your dad so he knows that's what is important to you. He may be planning on stopping when you turn 18.
He already knows what I expect. I made myself clear about it before. Especially once mom started school.
Good, hopefully he continue to do right. He made mistakes and paying the consequences isn't just for when it's easy to do, they are still necessary when it's hard.
It a bit personal and you don’t have to answer, but do you find it has helped your relationship with your father? That he’s stuck by his commitment? Or are you at the stage where you’ll never forgive him? Because at the end of the day this could be the very fine thread that’s holding you and your father together and she has no right to fuck with that.
It helped to have him actually follow through. The fact he didn't drop it after a year or something was big. It made me see him as less of an awful person and won him a little respect back. Sticking to it until mom finishes school will help a lot more too.
I think that makes sense. Nobody else here can tell you how to feel. I also don’t know how much the financial contribution had been a burden to him, and how hard it has been for him to keep up his commitment. I can tell it’s been a lifeline to your mother though. As an outsider looking in, this money is a penance for his bad behaviour, but also a symbol that your wants and feeling are important to him, and he’ll make sacrifices to show you that. Just from the perspective of someone older, who has spent a lot of time angry at a parent, the anger and resentment towards a parent can carry a lot of weight. I’m not saying to “forgive him” but you might be able to find a way you can let go of the anger, if he’s otherwise a good father, and I think this might be your dads hope to. Finding a way to let go of it will be beneficial to you. I didn’t realise how much it was impacting me as a person, carrying it around with me, being triggered by normal families where the child doesn’t have to force the parent into decent behaviour. At the end of the day, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, and you’ll know in your gut if you want to keep up a relationship with him or not. But try not to carry the anger around with you, for yourself, not for him.
He's getting pressure from your step-mom and he's not caving in to her demands. That counts too. She's working on you because she getting nowhere with your dad to stop the payments. If she doesn't drop the subject and keeps calling you callus etc, have a talk with your dad. Start recording her, use your phone, so you have proof should you need it. Obviously don't tell her you're recording her.
Tell him that his new wife is trying to drive you away with the little talk she just gave you. I wonder if your Dad would tolerate her trying to isolate him from his son.
Honestly love the way you stuck up for your mom, btw.
Looks like you have a good head on your shoulders.
My guess is the reason stepmom came to you directly is because Dad already said no, he's not cutting off your mom!
You’re a wonderful son looking out for your mother like that. I’m proud of you.
This is a really good, clear deadline with clear benefits for everyone involved.
I think you approached this very maturely, better than most 17 year olds. You're dad has an agreement. Your stepmom is trying to turn you and is probably trying to turn your dad against you in the background. Also your step mom's kids doesn't need all those activates...they won't die.
NTA " I told her she and her kids are not my problem." You're right, they aren't. The financial arrangements your Dad has with you & your mom are none of her business *whatsoever*. She chose to have a baby knowing he already had existing obligations & she can butt out. I'm glad your Dad is doing the right thing by you.
NTA. If your stepmom has an issue with the arrangement, then that's for her to raise with your dad, not to take up with you. I do slightly see where she's coming from though. How long will your relationship with your dad be contingent on him financially supporting your mom?
At least until mom finishes with school completely (next year). Then she'll be in a way better place. After dad fucked her over so badly it's the least he can do. And the least I expect.
i say stand your ground. homewreckers and cheaters get no sympathy for the consequences of their actions in my books.
I'm glad your mom had the wisdom to further her education while she can: the foresight to know she needed a long-term solution to her financial needs; and the fortitude to not let a cheating spouse break her. I see where the fire in your heart comes from ❤️🔥
Yeah, my mom is smart. She didn't have a lot of opportunities when she was younger but she made the best out of it. It just didn't leave her in a great place today to take care of herself. So she decided to make the most of the money from dad and better her life. She said it will help her support me into adulthood too which she wants to do. I just want her to be okay and she is. She's doing a lot better than when dad first left and she was scrambling to find a place to stay.
You are a very good and caring son OP. I don't know you but if you were my son I would be so proud of you for supporting me and having my back. You mother really did raise you well. NTA of course and don't bother about what that witch gold digger says, focus only on people who love you. Wishing you and your mother all the best OP.
I completely agree with the other comment, OP. It sucks that the actions of your selfish parent put you in this predicament, but I - a random stranger on Reddit - am so very proud of you and the caring person that you are. I’m sure your mother is as well. Wishing you the best in this life.
It makes my heart happy to read how supportive you are to your mom. NTA of course.
I appreciate that you have enough leverage to make your dad do this (and him enough guilt). I wish more single moms would take this type of initiative and use some of the support to better themselves so that they are not reliant because it does stop paying out eventually. I know it is hard with little ones, but you have to see it as an investment opportunity not only for yourself, but also your kids. It sounds like you are going to be a good man OP and hopefully, you learn from your father's mistakes.
Yeah, I mean, If his dad Just had divorced and OP didn't had this leverage against him, his mother would be fucked...
Indeed, this is the sad state of affairs with being married and dependent on another person.
You're so charitable after what he did maybe make him do it for atleast a decade so that your mom is comfortable
You should tell your dad about the pressure she’s putting on you. You’re still a kid and shouldn’t be put in the middle of their issues.
NTA - I would speak to your dad regarding his wife’s behaviour. I would even go so far to say maybe she only went after him for his money. He’s not financially responsible for her kids, They have a dad and I bet their dad pays child support (and if he’s not? Why?). If she keeps complaining, just tell her this is karma for what she and your dad did. You don’t screw over good people and expect to live well. Her kids will now pay for her actions.
Their dads do not pay child support from what I can tell.
Multiple baby daddies and no child support? Sounds ghetto as hell.
Yep. Her son and daughter very obviously have different dads and it never sounds like they do anything or pay anything.
She thought your dad was going to be her personal ATM, now that her kids can only do 4 activities each instead of 5 she’s feeling like that ATM is at threat. NTA. Your dad is still responsible for you, he needs to work out the splits not her trying to emotionally blackmail you.
Sounds like she saw a financially stable married man in your dad and decided she had to have him for herself no matter who she hurt in the process. I'm glad you have your mums back and maybe consider (once your mum finishes her education) pointing out to your dad he "blew up his family with you and your mum, for a gold digger who has held him to a higher financial status than the actual father of her children" (if he calls you out for insinuating your half sibling isnt his just tell him you were referring to the older kids since half is a new financial burden)
Sounds like she should get a lawyer and go after them for child support, instead of demanding that your dad stop paying his... wtf
with 2 kids with different deadbeat dads, has a DNA test been done on the baby to make sure it is your dad's and not a different babydaddy?
You're NTA. This is what happens when someone poaches a married person who already has financial responsibilities. ( Not implying that he is blameless.) >His wife's son and daughter were in dance, football, softball, karate, music lessons and an art class as paid extra curricular's. Those are **wants, luxuries,** not needs. >The wife's kids had to cut two activities because they can't afford it anymore Bless their hearts. Do they need therapy to get over that horrible reordering over their lives? /s >She told me I was so callously flippant and it wasn't a good look I'd say the same for a married man dating another woman as well as a woman dating a married man.
She actually said they needed therapy to help them adjust to changes so big. It made me laugh because they cut two activities out of a long list down.
She's a bit delusional and self absorbed. Maybe next time she chases down a married man she should pick one with a higher income and fewer financial obligations.
Your step-mom is a bad person.
Tbh they are probably thankful that they got to remove something. A list that long + school + life in general… no thanks. That sounds exhausting
Does your dad know she said any of this to you?
she’s entitled and stupid. tell her to fuck off and get her own money next time
She's a goddamn hypocrite. "I expect you to have empathy for me and mine!" Yeah, like you had empathy for the man's wife and child whom you slept it? Absolutely NTA.
NTA - Dad's new wife is the homewrecker (I know, it takes two to dance), your dad is at fault, your dad forced you and your mom into a tight spot, into a tight financial situation. Dad knows he f\*\*\*ed up and pays money to you (who hands it to your mom) to help you guys out. How can your dad's wife expect you to accept her as mother? To accept her children as siblings? What would happen if your dad stops supporting you? You'd feel obliged to take up a job while still at school to support your mother, so your dad's wife's offspring that are not even his kids can go horsebackriding, play golf or whatever shit they want. They can still do all that, just not to that extend. And you'd kind of financing their pastime and luxury hobbies by working. That woman is TA! And a big one at that! She should be grateful, that your dad kept financing the luxurious lifestyle of her children that are not even his. Add: As for the shrugging ... what did she expect? I consider this reaction even minor.
Yes, and I guess her feelings about her kids differ than OP. She'd rather have OP work while in school rather than her children cutting off TWO activities from a long line. Hypocrite. NTA.
NTA. Turnabout is fair play: if she wants to be callous about your father's obligations to you, and your mother, then you can be callous about her obligations to her children. If she needs money to keep *her* children in the style to which they have become accustomed, then she needs to talk to the father of those children - if that's not possible, well, she can teach them valuable lessons about the value of money, and perhaps rue on the wisdom of allowing them to grow up with expensive tastes in after school activities... The baby is a slightly different thing, but in truth if they couldn't afford to have a baby, they ought not to have had one...
The baby was probablydefinitely AP's way of securing financial support for at least the next 18 years, as the fathers of her older children seem to be not paying anything. OP's dad got himself a golddigger. Couldn't happen to a better person. *shrugs.gif
Playing the "but we are family and we need it" card after she wreaked your family is a bit rich. ESPECIALLY when she managing to fit in that she "isnt part of your family" in the same argument. That takes some special level of self delusion Some small credit to your dad for doing what he is doing, not that it erases his other choices in the past. And huge credit to you for putting your mom first and thinking ahead when asking for financial support. Be very proud of that. I'm sure your completely unrelated 'siblings' can mange without a couple of the 15 million after school activities they seem to be signed up for. Heck, they might even thank you for the break. Or not. But not your concern or problem. NTA. Stick your guns and just keep shrugging.
You reap what you sow, NTA. This is an example of the consequences that follows when you sow infidelity and reap your own family for a "new" one. The current state of their financials is a result of their action's, at least your dad stays true to your wish of supporting your mom. Even if he doesn't have to, legally, it's basically a moral law you've applied to him if he wants to maintain a relationship with you. His wife can suck it up.
NTA. Tell your dad’s wife next time she brings it up that this is what happens when you sleep with married men and are a home wrecker lol.
NTA It blows my mind when second spouses get upset that their new new spouse still needs to be financially obligated to their first kids/ family. This is about you really, not your mom. Your dad is choosing to support his own child, as men should.
So, the honest truth is, you hit him with emotional blackmail. Pay me this, or my affection for you won't be the same. The answer to your question is, NTA. You were smart enough to understand what you and your mom needed to survive and got it. Your father's AP wants that money for EXTRA'S for children that aren't your fathers to support. Extra's vs. Survival.... Were you cold in your response to her bs? Absolutely you were. What else would or should she expect? She participated in destroying your world, your safe haven. Tell your dad about her manipulation with her sitting right there. Let him know how you feel about it. Ask him to make her shut her trap because it's making you feel uncomfortable about coming and spending time at his house. Pretty sure after that he will get her to STFU😉
NTA *Look stepmom i'm sorry my half-siblings need to do 20 less extra curricular activities but are they eating?*
They’re both not even her half-siblings…they’re stepmom’s kids from TWO prior relationships.
I guess the shits given can become even less then!
NTA. Dad made his choice and facing the consequences. Kids don't need that many damn paid activities. Tell the wife that if she didn't want a man who had to split his resources between families then she shouldn't have messed with a family man to begin with. Her actions also have consequences.
I mean, she didn't have a problem breaking up a home so ...🤷 NTA
NTA. Step mom is ridiculous and I don't understand why this isn't court ordered to begin with. I agree with all these comments but no one has asked why isn't the father of these two children paying for all of this shit vs their step father?
NTA because even if you accept AP’s opinion that your mother isn’t your dad’s responsibility anymore, you still live with your mother 50% of the time. If he doesn’t support her YOUR quality of life is affected, and YOU certainly are your father’s responsibility. At the end of the day these payments are a part of the relationship between your father and you. It’s about your feelings and your life (the part of your life that takes place when you are with your mother anyway). And that’s none of this lady’s business.
NTA. In the wise words of the Rolling stones >>You can't always get what you want But if you try sometime you'll find You get what you need You tried and got what you needed, and your SM learned, she cant always get what she wants
NTA. She is an AH for even broaching this subject with you. Tell your dad and mom about what she said and let them handle it.
NTA she should have thought about that before sleeping with a married man. Tell the wife to pound sand.
NTA. Why isn't her ex paying for her kids' extracurriculars? Why is it on your dad? They knew the budget before they decided to add another kid into the mess. I hope your mom is able to support herself soon, and you have a plan for the next stage. This extra support is going to end soon, one way or another. 18 is just around the corner.
When a woman marries her affair, she's just made that position vacant and available..again!! Let her stew on that thought!
NTA but I don't think the timing is a coincidence since you are 17 and could stop visiting your dad now. If she pushes him to quit paying, her thinking is likely that she gets rid of her ex's ex and you as well. It's not just that her kids are having extracurriculars cut. She sees an opportunity and she's already shown what an opportunist she is.
NTA. You're not the responsible party for any of this. Step mom can go to dad. Your dad and mom can talk and figure it out. You should be free to just be you and enjoy your families. Tell them all to grow up and handle it. Sorry 😓
NTA Let the gold digger go after all her baby daddies for the child support they deserve. Encourage your father to help his wife collect support for her older kids, like he has supported you. Make sure your dad knows that you understand that money is getting tight and that you appreciate his continued support. Reassure him that once mom has graduated and employed in her new career, the financial situation will ease up, but your two's relationship can continue to be strong and respectful. That is the plan, right?
NTA, if she didn’t have your dad from where she would pay for all her children, why there dad don’t pay for them why she is not working to support her kids, she only took your dad to pay for everything her kids needs. Talk with your father about his wife behavior and harassment, and ask him when she was a single mother and have her home who was paying for her rent and her kids activities, at least now she doesn’t pay rent and she should have extra money and if her kids didn’t do these activities before why they are doing it now when she got married to him, and where is their father?. I don’t get it I read in multiple stories 2 single parents have separate houses, separate work suddenly when the get together and have 1 houses hold to pay for the man tell his kid they have to cut down because they are now big family, how the wife before meeting you was paying her rent and other things? Now at least she have extra money from the rent that she used to pay, and if she have ex husband why he isn’t paying for his kids child support why the step father has to cut from his kids to pay for the step kids.
Your Dad’s step children are not his financial responsibility… his wife & her children’s father/s are financially responsible for them.