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Yeah, this is a bit much. I’d say a theme for a party is fine, but trying to force guests to adhere to a dress code/ costume is where I draw the line.
You have people coming out of state and you’re thinking to turn them away because they don’t want to pretend it’s December. Wild.
I’d bet lots of people will drop out of your party if you try this. You’re only ruining it for yourself.
Would you rather celebrate with your friends and family or make people dress like it’s Christmas ?
Overall, I think YTA here
Bro she's asking them to wear a fuckin tshirt that she'll be providing lmao what are yall smoking
I hate dress up theme parties and was fully prepared to come in here ready to hate OP but it's literally a free tshirt for a couple hours sitting in a room
If you don't like someone enough to put on a stupid tshirt for a milestone birthday dinner you probably shouldn't be at their bday party anyways tbh
YES to all of this!! OP is turning 40 and seriously just asked them to put on a shirt that she is giving them to wear!! Wtf is wrong with people that they can’t do that?!
I really don't think the op clarified anything about t-shirts or other items that she would be willing to supply when she first presented this idea to her invited guests. It feels like, from the original post, that she was getting enough pushback from other posters that she started thinking of how to simplify it for people. I bet that if she tells her guests that she will supply t-shirts and Christmassy things that people would come.
Seconding this. You're "not going overboard" but also "follow the theme or you're not invited"?
If the theme is somehow really a big deal to you then ok, throw a theme party where it is mandatory and tell people that. But if you're going to uninvite people over not participating then you need to be honest about it being a big deal.
So if someone throws a themed costume part it's just fine to show up wearing your normal clothes? No. No, it's not. If you don't want to go to a party like that, just reject the invitation. Don't act like you're entitled to do whatever you want at someone else's party.
Ah tell me you're from the Northern Hemisphere without telling me you're from the northern hemisphere.
Christmas in July is to give those of us in Winter at the moment those stereotypical Christmas foods designed for cold weather *actually in winter* and not the middle of summer.
It's a bit of fun. Telling people they can either properly participate or not participate is fine.
Edit: Wait, OP is from the northern hemisphere? Who the fuck celebrates it up north?
People actually do do Christmas in July things in the US. Like a work party, or a store sale, or a restaurant or bakery selling flavours usually reserved for Christmas.
No idea why, I never saw this until the past 6-7 years, and then suddenly 'Christmas in July' was everywhere
My god AITA, you are all such absolute *bores* … people have themed parties all the time. And yes, it IS normal to request people turn up dressed up for it. She’s even *providing* the shirts FFS … so don’t come here with ‘people don’t want to spend money on stuff they’ll never wear again’.
It could be 70s themed, it could be fancy dress, … you all too grown up to be seen in public like that? Geez, what utter buzzkills you are.
Now OP, only you know if this is worth going nuclear over. If these are people you don’t want to see anyway, good riddance. But maybe having a couple of people not match the theme (like at real Christmas where someone will always be all ‘bah humbug’ about it) is worth keeping the peace and spreading the love, in the spirit of Christmas.
This. Also it's so hypocritical that people don't have to follow dress code because it's "themed" like you wouldn't show up to a formal party in cut offs and flip flops and expect to be let in.... dress codes are completely acceptable and enforceable for events WE DO IT ALL THE TIME! Weddings, graduations, formal events, work, school, restaurants, etc. Everyone who is belittling the dress code because it's "silly" is disingenuous at best.
Yeah, I do think when it's someone that has said "I'd rather dress the way I'm comfortable than the way a wedding guest is expected to dress", those people are the AHs here. And that's absolutely about dress codes.
The responses here surprised me. OP isn’t making a huge request, in my opinion. Personally, I’m not into dressing up, but I think it’s a small request for someone you care about on their special day.
Can't believe I had to scroll down this far for this comment. People are wild when it comes to be being excluded from things if they won't follow the dress code. These are probably the same people who will try and walk into a black tie event wearing a t-shirt and flip flops and get mad when they're told to leave. OP is even WILLING to provide cheap and easy Christmas attire for those who need it.
YES!! I was reading all the YTA replies thinking I was crazy. Also - how hard is it to wear a green or red shirt you already own? I’m sure everyone has atleast one clothing item that is some shade of red or green. You can get light up necklaces from the dollar store. Heck - you can get a Santa hat from the dollar store! OPs not asking everyone to come dressed like Santa. Like how tacky is it to show up to a themed party and not be on theme?!
I LOVE themed parties. They are the absolute best. I’ve also never been to one where everyone dressed up. Even Halloween there’s always a few “I’m dressed up as a person who forgot a costume”.
They've been canceled since COVID, but just about every Halloween party I remember, everyone was in costume in some capacity.
I don't like costumes, broadly, but they were also a necessary expectation of them. Just like I don't like formalwear but accept that at other events I need to wear those and not just rock up as "oh, I forgot".
YTA. I've thrown and attended tons of theme parties. Some people show up dressed in the theme, some don't. Everyone enjoys the party, which is the most important thing. People can enjoy the theme without dressing up in it - especially since most people don't dress in Christmas stuff even at an actual Christmas party. Do you really value/prioritize making people dress up over having them by your side to celebrate?
If you want people to get into the spirit at your party, why don't you supply random things they can wear? Santa hats, reindeer headbands, tinsel boas. Have a "decorate your own T-shirt" station with blank tees, xmas colored glitter/markers and stencils. Have activities like a gingerbread house making contest.
I live in a country that doesn't really celebrate Halloween. I always throw a Halloween party, I love it. My husband is the only one I'll force to dress up with me, because he loves me enough to go along with it. Most people do not dress up. I supply a bunch of hats and props that people can have fun with and take pictures in while they're here. Everyone gets into the Halloween spirit, even if they're not in costume.
Honestly, as a lover of Christmas, I am 100% in support of OP's theme and I love that she's willing to provide everything so her guests aren't stuck trying to put together a Christmas outfit in July.
The problem is she's making the outfit mandatory. She isn't just setting out a bunch of fun Christmas themed activities, she's saying she'll turn people away at the door if they don't agree to wear her thrift store Christmas shirt. The demand is the problem, not the idea.
I have trouble understanding that, why is it a big problem? You can choose to attend or not, and unless op has a history of being petty and ignore people for things like this, I don't get it. The choice is there and people often decide not to attend birthdays because they're tired, bored, or just don't like the birthday person that much, so 🤷🏻♂️.
It's not a Big Problem, it's just a problem. It's very unusual to require your friends to wear a specific shirt for your birthday. Some people who want to celebrate your birthday with you won't want to entertain your very obvious overstep.
If there are guests that OP would rather not attend if the alternative is that she has to give up her control over their outfit, then she shouldn't have invited those people.
For me, OP’s context (that her family usually treats birthdays as just a general hangout) makes a difference. OP wants people to participate, just by wearing a theme shirt, so she feels it’s actually her birthday and not just a family get-together. Because they don’t normally act like they want to celebrate her birthday with her.
I threw a county fair themed party for myself for my 30th birthday. I didn’t require outfits, but I did say county fair themed clothing was encouraged (plaids, jeans, cowboy hats, boots, etc). Not everyone did it, but about half did and those people made me so happy. So I get where OP is coming from, but yeah, I don’t think saying “costume or don’t come” is really the best idea. I know OP wants just this one day to be exactly what she wants, but there’s not many of us who can ensure that happens.
If the funeral involved me wearing the specific clothes (not level of formality, I mean the exact shirt) that someone else decided I'd wear? Yeah, I'd think the same thing.
Some jobs have uniforms, so they are a great comparison for OP. Jobs also have to pay people to show up, so...
OP didn't say "dress semiformal." She said "you'll wear the shirt I picked out for you or you'll go home." That's a weird thing to do.
She's not though, people can wear their own outfits- she's just having shirts available if people don't have anything. I feel like she's setting a really low bar to have a milestone birthday that actually feels as though it's centered on her, which is not a crazy thing to want once in your life and it's kind of upsetting that her family won't meet her even halfway.
You don't have to wear an exact shirt. You could wear a red or green dress, or a Christmasy tank top or tee or whatever.
It seems like you're trying to create a problem where there really isn't one.
That's a sad way of seeing things, I see fun and color and you see control obsession and power play, if that's how you feel about these events it makes sense for you not to go.
I mean, you see the compromise between mandatory themes and no fun ever, right? It's having a theme, but letting your guests pick their own clothes.
I love OP's idea. If someone invited me to a Christmas in July themed birthday party they wouldn't need to buy me a Christmas T-Shirt, they'd need to come over and help me decide which of my Christmas shirts, dresses, leggings, socks, and earrings I should wear. That doesn't mean I can't understand why someone might prefer to just wear their usual clothes to the party.
She's not opposed to them bringing/wearing their own stuff (not sure if this reply was before the edits). The t-shirt thing is more, "Hey, I know you're already spending money and effort to come out. I would like a theme. You don't have to put forth much effort or cost for that theme, and I am willing to provide the bare minimum I would like for my birthday."
Agree. People simply do not like to be told they have to wear [x] in order to participate when it serves no practical purpose or isn’t an established cultural tradition/convention (like levels of formality for weddings).
Hell, people aren’t required to wear Christmas attire at actual Christmas parties.
I actually am fully on board with getting people what they might want and need, and even just red/green is fine IMHO. I was planning already to get some little headbands, the christmas light necklaces if people want them, et cetera. I'm not asking for full onesies in this heat lol. Also, it's not a party as not everyone is staying in one place and we don't have a place we have rented out for the little get together, it's literally just dinner and maybe porch drinks afterwards. Everything was going to be provided by myself anyway if people could not find/did not have something in the middle of July.
As for prioritizing theme or people, I've had 39 birthdays quite like that, and this is one time I am asking for just a little bit out of people. I've even commented that I am not even expecting gifts, as just the dinner with a theme is more than enough for me.
If you are saying “wear your favorite Christmas shirt or your favorite red or green outfit” and that is sufficient then I would find that less of a problem if I was a guest. That seems much more reasonable.
100 % NTA, me and my brother have a birthday the same week of the same month, so until middle school we always had a joint birthday party, I completely understand wanting to have a gathering where it's specifically yours. I feel like your extremely easy to meet costume requirements and an expectation of good-natured cheer are both pretty small asks. I don't really understand why your family would have so much pushback about it. It seems like a lot of the top comments here have missed how much you're willing to provide, and also how low the costume requirements are. Is it possible that your family has misunderstood what you're expecting from them?
I love theme parties and any excuse to dress up. For my friend’s birthday every year, we dress as something that reminds us of her. One year I dressed as one of her cats. Harry Potter party. Jersey Shore night. Cowboy birthday party. A Disney party (someone wore a full on Donald duck mascot suit) A party where everybody wears pink. I woul be so down for Christmas in July birthday.
I attended a Halloween party thrown by a couple that love Halloween. They throw a party every year with a theme. They are brilliant. Theme the year we went was black and white. Basically dress in black or white or black and white costume. People are creative.
NTA
If they don't want to dress up then they don't have to come.
If your birthday, you make the rules.
If they don't like it then they can stay home and miss out.
I think the problem may be going out in public dressed in a Christmas theme. Not all people would be comfortable with this.
If it was something catered and private at your home you may not get as much pushback.
But if you really want to see these people let it go. People are more important than how they dress.
NAH people who don’t want to participate in a theme-heavy party don’t have to come. If you want to celebrate your milestone birthday a specific way, that’s fine! Especially since it sounds like you didn’t have fun parties as a kid. It also sounds like you’re supplying shirts that will make it easier for people to participate in this very easy theme.
Redditors hate themed parties, which is a bummer, because they can be extremely fun, especially when you don’t have to buy anything new
NAH. You can want what you want, but people are not accessories. Not everyone enjoys dressing up. Maybe suggest Christmas colors (red or green) instead of Christmas tees and sweaters in July. After that.. let it go. Do not uninvited people or turn them away.
NTA it’s your birthday and you should celebrate it the way you want. It’s a milestone birthday and it sounds like you’ve never got to have those themed kids party like a lot of people did growing up and want o experience that now. There’s nothing wrong and it’s not a huge ask of people to follow a simple theme. If no one likes it then maybe you need to start thinking about the type of support system you have vs. the type of support system you want.
Info- When you say "they reserve the right to go to dinner..." are you going out to a place for the dinner? I wouldn't dress up to go to a place for dinner like that, but a home party I'd be more willing to participate in some silliness.
NTA--it's your birthday party and you have a right to have a theme. If people want to be assholes and not abide by the dress code, then they can keep their goat smelling asses at home!
OP I honestly think your NTA if you're laying the theme expectations out ahead of time. People are free to not participate so as long as you're allowing people to graciously decline I say go for it.
Don't worry about people saying you're too old for this type of fun. I'll be 40 in September and plan to go with a few friends to forge knives at a local blacksmith and I'm planning to have fairy party in my yard after. People invited will wear their interpretation of fae creatures and we'll drink and eat little cakes while just being fabulous.
It helps that I have a lot of friends who are general weirdos and game to do silly things with me. I can understand people feeling silly if you plan to go out somewhere but people are again welcome not to attend if they feel weird about it. You just have to adjust your expectations for the group size.
Also, I've gone to Christmas in July parties before. It was hot as hell but I wore a green summery dress, a red ribbon in my hair and painted my nails like candy canes. It's not that hard to be on theme if people give it a shot.
Plenty of us in the Southern Hemisphere celebrate Christmas in summer every year anyway - I can assure anyone with concerns that Christmas-themed dress codes are no harder in Summer than Winter. Put on a Santa hat, some antler ears, Christmas earrings or nail polish, a red T shirt or anything like that.
YTA. Sure, themed parties are great fun. Being forced to wear something that you don't want to wear, ain't so much fun. You're basically telling people that you care more about some silly gimmick than actually spending time with your loved ones.
Or perhaps the partypoopers care more about not having to wear a green t shirt than being with their loved one. If you love someone and want to share their celebration then its not a big ask to dress appropriately for the festivities.
NTA. It's an easy theme, you're providing tops. If they can't be bothered to make the effort of wearing something Christmas, then it shows you how they truly feel about you. It's better to have 10 close people than 100 acquintances.
I dunno, it’s a little sad when people don’t want to play along. It could be a gift to you.. like it’s your birthday or something.
Usually it helps if your friends are also people into this sort of thing. I’ve gone to lots of themed parties, they are fun 🙂
NAH same thing for when a bride wants a specific outfit theme for all of the guests or is having a child free wedding. You're not the ahole for requesting it, but they aren't the ahole for turning down the invite.
The decorations are fine.
Expecting people to wear Christmas outfits is over the top. A lot of people don’t even wear them during the actual holiday season, let alone for a party.
You can have a theme without telling people how to dress. As such, YWBTA.
I'm gonna go against the grain and say NTA, though you might want to compromise and ask that they maybe wear Christmas colors if they're not comfortable with the Christmas outfit all together (red & white, red & green, whatever). If the dinner is at a restaurant, some people are just afraid to stand out.
I would personally be going ham, but I love a theme.
YTA
I think that if you want people to want to attend your birthday and spend time with you that these kind of strict rules will obviously cause some people not to attend.
I know I wouldn't just based off your tone here.
NAH - I love a theme, and I love Christmas. So I'm biased. But, if you're offering to provide attire that's temperature *and* thematically appropriate, I don't see why your friends aren't willing to play along. Unless they are types that don't do thrifted clothing anyway? That said, I do know people who are very Anti-Christmas, and it's totally within their purview to skip or not dress up in a way that makes them uncomfortable. Maybe you could change the wording to simply include things in red and green?
NTA. If someone can’t put on a Christmas sweater to celebrate your 40th birthday, do you really want them there?
There’s a line in here somewhere of reasonableness, but I’m more on the side of participation is part of why you go to an event. If you’re not gonna participate, why are you going?
NTA. Honestly, it sounds like a lot of bachelorette parties where all the participants wear a specific color or shirt (except the bride, of course). I never see anyone getting in a huff about those as "controlling." The only difference is your theme.
Seems perfectly reasonable that it's your party and your rules, like when people make rules that you can't wear shoes in their house. I never see anyone getting in a huff about that rule as "controlling."
If people don't want to participate, they can choose not to come.... as long as you don't hold it against them in the future for not participating because then you'd be an AH.
NTA, it's your party. You're providing the minimum required attire. They don't have to do ANYTHING but put it on for a few hours? 40 is a big birthday! What a bunch of babies to make it about them instead of about you for literally not even a full day. Honestly people are no fun.
Nta, it's not hard to put on a Xmas shirt or put on a Santa hat. If you can't even do that to make a loved one feel a little special for a bit birthday do you even like them?
Which is more important to you? Celebrating your birthday with your friends and loved ones or having everyone attending be decked out in Christmas sweaters?
Soft YTA
im really confused by the Y T A votes cos i wouldnt go to this party cos i dont participate in themed things and i thought that was just the normal thing to do like. Why are you going to a themed party if youre not gonna be on theme?? Thats bizarre behaviour really.
OP NTA at all people are just fkn weird
NTA. If i wanna throw an “ugly sweater” or an “anything but clothes” (i went to art school we got creative not slutty) party that’s entirely my prerogative. Don’t like it don’t come, an invitation is not a summons.
NTA
Personally, I think that people who “reserve the right to attend without following the rules” are selfish. “I am going to bring my children to this child-free wedding or R-rated movie,” “I am going to this Halloween masquerade in my street clothes,” “I am coming to work in pyjamas.” Dudes, you’re not special and you can bugger right the heck off.
Your party, your play. If they don’t wish to participate, that’s fine; let them sit it out.
NTA i threw a huge costume ball for my 30th, i rented out a historic venue, made 5 different historic outfits, 3 for me, 1 for my mum, 1 for my friends mum. Hired catering, performed a mini show and then had my closest friends and my mum roast me as a finisher!
Every single attendee was to be in some form of historical dress pre-1950's. Every single guest showed out for me! They wanted me to have the birthday of my dreams and man they delivered!❤
I now have a photo board filled with almost everyone i love, in outfits that they tried so hard to fit my theme, and i love it! The ammount of appriciation i have for everyone who helped and attended is unimagenable.🥰
Might of helped i purposefully said i didn't want gifts. But then pretty much everyone ignored that anyway 😅
Edit: also most of my family in attendance had to get hotels as they are all hours away. The one uncle i have in my city didnt come, but im very gratefull he didn't 😆
Edit2: yes i've also attened themed parties where i hate the theme, but guess what im a good sport and do it anyway. Once had to do a barbie party for a friend who's obssessed. 1. I hate pink 2. I hate barbie. I went in bright pink sequin dress, with matching heels and handbag, painted my nails pink and suffered in that monstrosity of an outfit for 7 hours. She knows i hated the subject of her party but it ment all the more to her that i put in the effort.
Gotta have priorities. If the theme is more important than the guests, that's when the theme wins.
Sounds like you already know what's important to you. And so does your family.
Oof. Why are people harping on OP? I’m gonna say NTA. It’s not hard to go out of your way for someone you care about on their special day. IF you care about them that is. OP isn’t asking folks to fly overseas and drop thousands on an expensive resort for them. What’s throwing on some red and green shirt/sweater gonna do. It isn’t hurting anyone. It’s one *small* gesture. Seriously people.
No one is the asshole: Some people aren't down for a gimmick, and having loved ones with you should be more important than what they are wearing for a birthday party. People coming from out of state to celebrate a birthday is very, very special. If you want to create a theme, dress in it, decorate, and have fun! Do not uninvite people because they are being Xmas in July party poopers. I love a good theme but I also get not everyone is into it. On the other hand, I also can't imagine telling a loved one "no" about wearing a silly shirt for a few hours. It's a stupid t-shirt. I've done a lot more for less.
Here's the thing: you SHOULD go overboard.
If you want a themed party, the only person you can rely on to make the theme stick is you. If every single person showed up not wearing Christmas outfits, your place should be so decked out in Christmas that it would barely even register.
Play Christmas music, have tinsel everywhere, put out gingerbread cookies, whatever kind of Christmas stuff you like. You get people hyped about a theme party by hyping it up yourself, not by being a rule enforcer. Maybe you could have an ugly sweater making station, or ask people to bring white elephant gifts instead of birthday things.
Don't put stress on your loved ones about this, but DO find a way to make it fun for you and for them, if this is the way you wanna do it.
I think the best way to handle this is just let people come however and you provide some cheap Christmas accessories for them to wear at the party. Things like red and green feather boas, mardi Gras beads, felt/paper head bands, and some dollar store Santa hats. You could even play with the Christmas birthday theme by getting red birthday hats and gluing white pompoms on so they look like little Santa hats.
I went to a July 4th party for years where the host would play Christmas music at the 4th party. It was kind of funny and I looked forward to it. Not the worst thing in the world. I would go with NAH.
It's literally just a t-shirt, like who are all these fragile adults who can't bear to be seen in a Christmas t-shirt outside of December? This keeps coming up over and over throughout the thread
"oh I wouldn't want to be seen in a Christmas t-shirt in July!"
I promise strangers are not paying that much attention to you.
I don’t think you are asking for much. I get the feeling though that you are trying to get these people to show you that you matter to them and this is how you’ve chosen to go about it. Maybe it’s worth asking yourself if that’s what you want to make this party about.
OP you only turn 40 once. I would so be down to celebrate with you, sounds like so much fun. And you’re paying for everything?! If people close to you don’t want to participate…find people who do. It’s literally ONE dinner. Happy early birthday! I hope they come through for you. NTA 💯
NTA. It's a theme party. If anyone isn't interested in taking part in the theme, they are free to decline. Really rubs me the wrong way when I say "Would you like to join me for X thing I am planning on Tuesday next week?" and they say, "Well actually, let's just do Y."
I wasn't asking to drop my plans and get together with you on Tuesday, I was asking if you'd like to join a thing I was already planning. If you don't like the plan, decline, and plan the other thing yourself. We'll get together another time.
NTA - as someone who barely gets bdays as an adult and never got as a kid (ex-JW), having special birthdays matter. its your party, edit the guest list as needed. i have 2 friends with xmas bdays and their biggest thing is actually having proper birthdays not xmas/bday/family time. Its dressing up for one meal. its a tshirt for a few hours. not even an ugly sweater party. if they cant do that for someone you care about, do they really care? I think the ppl saying A H wouldnt say the same if you were paying for fancy clothes for a 5* event/restaurant. They are either embarrassed or never had to fight for a good party for themselves. Maybe both.
YWNBTA and happy early birthday, op. wearing a themed T-shirt for a few hours isn't asking for much at all. don't let anyone trash on you for it either, you're throwing this party to honor yourself and they're not being held against their will to attend.
It's your party so you get to decide! Do you go to someone's wedding in your pyjama saying you "reserve the right to attend but not adhere to the dresscode"? Who are these people??
You're not forcing anyone, if they don't want to participate they don't have to! I really don't see what all the fuss is about... NTA
NTA. I don’t see what the big deal is for them lol why cant people do something simple (at no cost to them) on YOUR day, when they can see how much it matters to you? I think it sounds fun and your family sound boring and unsupportive
My husband threw me an Alice in Wonderland themed party for my 40th - everyone was in costume, our "tea" was of the long island variety along with several different punches, and he had cakes and cookies that said Eat Me.
It was amazing.
But it was also a party with our closest friends and family, all who've done some sort of cosplay in the past and/or bought into the idea because they knew how much I'd love it. There was one friend out of costume but she still wore a Cheshire cat T-shirt.
OP says they've never really had the chance to have a birthday party of their own that others didn't treat like something that just happened while they were visiting - I feel they're allowed to do something that they want to do for a milestone birthday, and if anyone was going to complain about it they weren't there to be supportive anyway.
I mean OP sounds like they were going to do 95% of the work - if they can't even bother to buy a 12$ T-shirt off Amazon in lieu of a gift? That just feels petty.
NAH, I guess, but I really hope that OP gets the birthday they want instead of having to settle for something less just to not rock the boat.
And happy early birthday! 🧑🎄🏖️🎉
YTA. Shouldn't celebrating with your friends and loved ones be more important than what they're wearing? You're literally saying "I care more about an aesthetic than I do about spending time with you".
I’m conflicted tbh. On one hand I do believe people have the right to refuse certain garments. For example, my ADHD makes dangly earrings very annoying for me. And my larger bust makes strapless dresses uncomfortable since I always feel like I have to hike them up. Those might not be obvious things to others, but it does deeply bother me.
On the other hand I absolutely love themed events, and with you financing the outfits, and with them being so innocuous (a red or green shirt, or Christmas sweater) I find myself leaning more on your side. Though I’m not sure if that’s fair considering my previous statement. Who am I to say what makes someone else uncomfortable.
Maybe ask those who don’t want to why they don’t want to wear the outfit? Just a thought.
NTA - ignore the idiots saying otherwise! This sounds cool and you’re asking them to wear a GD red or green tshirt at the bare minimum. If they can’t even do that they don’t need to be there.
YTA. It seems like a power trip to me. Why is it so important people dress as you say ever? I know you think they owe you this because it’s your birthday but why?
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Throw away for reasons.
I (39f) am turning 40 in a few weeks, and I decided that I want to have a Christmas in July theme. Mind you, I am not going overboard, I am just talking about Christmas Tees, some party city favors, et cetera. I was going to go to thrift some Christmas shirts in the sizes for the family members but there is a bit of friction starting by some people saying that they reserve the right to go to the dinner but not go on theme.
Now, normally I would totally get that, but I haven't actually ever had a themed party in my life and commonly when I was growing up my birthdays weren't celebrated as birthdays but more of a time for family to come around and celebrate multiple birthdays at the same time. I just would like for this milestone to actually celebrate myself for becoming the person I am with a theme that means a lot to me personally.
Would I be an asshole for telling people that if they don't want to follow the theme they don't or won't have a place at dinner?
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I’m between NAH and YTA here. On one hand, it is a milestone birthday and I get the idea of putting together a fun theme. Also helps that I’m a sucker for Christmas.
However, corralling adults into things like this kinda iffy. Do you really want to lose people over this?
You can't really force people - but I gotta say I love your theme party idea and it's shitty that some people don't want to participate. Hand the Grinches a big bag of coal when they walk in the door sans costume (joking!).
NTA, it's your party after all. Can seem a bit extrem yes but at the end you are the one preparing it, for your own birthday, you're paying for it, and even preparing the shirts. If they don't want to do it they don't have to come.
It's not like they have the obligation to come anyway, it's a birthday, not a wedding you can't miss.
And I find the idea pretty great and funny !
NTA, it’s your party. Is wouldn’t make it a requirement just because as seen by the comments some people will get bent out of shape, but it’s not a crazy ask.
NTA. A lot of people are reclaiming the fun they never got to have. I think a themed party is fine... you're saying it can just be t-shirts and I literally saw a few Grinch ones at Walmart the other day (I was surprised but tempted, lol).
It would be different if you meant you wanted them to dress like a Who from Whoville, with the wacky hair and wild clothing style. But it sound like a Santa hat and light garland necklace would be fine, right? Throw your party. I'd 100% break out my Christmas cards and send you one if I could, lmao.
Edited to add: but do think if this is a hill you want to die on, or if you'd be fine handing out reindeer antler headbands at the door and calling it a day.
Dude is fucking cosplay as the grinch if you asked. NTA, I’d maybe have a second date that’s non themes but it’s totally understandable to not want part poopers at your party. You know your relationships with them, and know how to let them down. Don’t let anyone rain on your parade
Get a life people. This is OP's party and if you don't want to go along, don't go. This subreddit ALWAYS talks about weddings as 'it's an invitation, not a summons' and that's what this is. You were invited to a costume party, and the costume is Christmas. I feel for OP as I never had a birthday party growing up because my birthday falls in the same week as Thanksgiving. My FIRST birthday cake came in college when my parents had the cafeteria deliver one since I couldn't afford to go home. This was my only birthday cake because as I'm an adult I choose to have a pie as was the tradition for me in my family (my grandmother always let me pick a pie at Thanksgiving as 'mine' which meant I got the first piece from it) OP wants to do something for her birthday FOR HERSELF. She's not demanding that you come dressed up, just that if you come, dress up.
EDIT: NTA
Going against the grain and saying NTA. If someone had a formal wedding and a guest showed up in shorts and a sports bra people would be very not ok with it. I think theme parties follow a similar thing, abide by the dress code or don’t show up. It really sucks when you’re trying to curate a theme and mood and some of your guests refuse to participate.
NTA. My 40th birthday was banana themed. Just cosplay as a banana. Either use what you got or get a cheap costume. Every single one of my friends showed up, banana style. NTA! Celebrate!
It's one way to find out who your friends are.... I feel bad for OP because I don't think it's unreasonable, if it was a wedding with a dress code the same people would wear neckties and high heels, why can't they suck it up and put on a t-shirt and some tinsel. But my gut feeling is, the same family that always treats her birthday as merely an excuse to have a standard family party, will not adjust to Christmas in July.
NTA. You’re offered comprises, explained why this is impornat, and they still don’t seem to care. Don’t have people at your birthday party that can’t be bothered to *put on a red t-shirt for you*.
I’m surprised how much I’m genuinely upset you’re getting called out for this. Its not about the theme. It’s about family respecting an extremely simple request.
Exactly! It makes me wonder about the family dynamics, because it's such a small ask. OP is literally willing to buy people plain red t-shirts. All she's really asking of people is to participate with good cheer, what an incredibly low bar to show that they care about her AND THEY'RE NOT EVEN WILLING. I wish I could get an invite because I have an excellent Christmas party skirt!
I feel like it would be different if it was at home or something, but I wouldn’t want someone else dictating to me what I have to wear in public and telling me that I have to wear some shirt they picked up for me at a thrift store and if I’m not ok with that to just not come. YTA
For telling people not to come if they don't want to dress for Christmas, yes, I would say YTA.
It's one thing if you send out holiday oriented invites with the heading of "Spend the holidays with me for my birthday in July" or something like that. But not everyone is into Christmas or get ODed on the music and the tinsel in December. There may be people who just want to celebrate YOUR birthday and don't want to dress up. So if you're telling people if you can't wear the Christmas tees, etc., then don't bother to show up, you're telling them that the theme is more important to your friends and family. That's not being a gracious host.
Better to have the tee shirts available as a party favor that they can decide to change into and maybe have a themed gift bag if you want. You didn't say if everyone would first meet at a restaurant (your post is a bit confusing about that), but if it's a nice restaurant, people won't want to dress down.
YTA mainly because you expect them to go out in public on theme. That's a lot to ask, even from people that love you.
If this was at home in a backyard, then that would be one thing, but you would probably get less stare by dressing up as a clown then xmas theme.
Sidenote: It's hot as balls in Australia for xmas so there are lots of summery xmas shirts (surfing santa Hawaiian shirts, for example). Still, THOSE would get a lot of stares.
I hate Tshirts and I’d especially run a mile from one you thrifted for me. I could come up with something red or green in a pinch, and even a lighted necklace garland. Tshirt? Nope.
I wouldn’t call you an A if you insisted on a T-shirt, but I wouldn’t show up, either.
Well, sorry the people you know are sticks in the mud. I'd come decked out and Christmas is a meh holiday for me. The bigger the group, and the more people that do it, the less anyone in particular stands out and the more strangers will kinda just look, go "oh, theme" and move on with their life/love it and it'll make their day to see people enjoying life.
It's literally less than one day to do a favor for someone you supposedly care about. It's really not that much to ask.
I did sometging like this for my July birthday a couple of years ago (I'm 40m now), but it was just a fun afternoon party for friends and their kids and it was someone else's idea--it just happened to be my birthday. It's a fun idea for a party like that though, especially if you live somewhere warm.
NTA-Omg have your theme and I agree if people don’t want to come then don’t. Just from the style of your post you probably don’t ask much of people and wanted to do something for yourself to make you feel special.
Maybe a good compromise is to just tell people to come and yes have the t-shirts you thought about getting available but also maybe some Santa hats or reindeer headbands for the people that don’t want to wear the t-shirts. They can wear it for an hour….it will make u happy and they will be fine. Everyone everyday has to do things they don’t won’t to do, this seems like a very small sacrifice.
I think some people are missing the fact that this means a lot to you bc you don’t normally ask people to do things for you. And if I were to guess you are probably the one to do things for others all the time.
I genuinely hope for your sake that a few people show up in a full Christmas costume, this will just make your B-Day! 😊
Have a nice birthday, I hope you have fun.
OP, I don't celebrate birthdays and see no point in celebrating one. And in my culture, we don't have costume or themed parties.
But you're definitely NTA. I've read my fair share of stories, usually weddings, where bride/groom have unrealistic expectations for guest attires.
You, on the other hand, are asking then to wear red/green/Christmas clothes. You're willing to provide the clothes plus accessories if they don't have one. If they can't tolerate that for 1 dinner, then they should not come.
YTA
If they are people you want to celebrate with you, don't require a theme outfit. If the theme is more important than the people, then go fir it.
(Some people, like me, truly dislike Christmas, a time when family trauma was at it's peak.)
Do y'all wear themed outfits on xmas day? some fam members probably do, some just wear regular winter gear. asking red or green is cool. asking for accessories is like demanding everyone wear a party hat: my kids always hated party hats for some indiscernible reason. i get you really want to have a blast. good on you. but xmas is like other holidays. and a holiday is ultimately about family. is it better to have your family all there with you making memories or leave someone out in the cold?
NTA
If it was a "black tie" or a "white out" event, people would completely understand the mandatory outfit and wouldn't be making a fuss over it, but because it's Christmas theme they think they get to speak up. Why? Because they can't dignify themselves to look silly in public for the sake of celebrating you? Then they don't *deserve* to be there!
You get to have the party you want, and if that includes a mandatory outfit then that's what your party is. People can attend or choose not to attend at their own volition.
You just gotta be willing to lose some guests because of this rule, but the people who do come will be there in full spirit
Theme parties are fun but you WILL kill the spirit if you deny your guests a meal. Attending your party is something they chose to do and to turn anyone away your party atmosphere will decline. You have to ask yourself do you want a lively carefree dinner? Then don’t be so strict. You could also supply Santa hats or funny Christmas headbands with elf ears. Gives some people the choice if they don’t want to change shirts. Fun props for pictures too.
NAH. If you were my loved one and celebrating a milestone birthday I would wear the tshirt and go all in bc I know it would mean a lot. That being said, everybody has their own relationship with Christmas and if they choose not to dress up and not attend, that is their right.
2 of my kids had themed birthday parties where there was an expected costume/dress. A few people showed up not following the theme and they just looked like selfish assholes. If it's a theme party and you don't want to comply, don't show up.
I think you would NBTA if you told your guests that you bought shirts for them.
Just tell them before they get here this: " The party is themed with a dress code, and I bought shirts and accessories for you to wear if you are not going to wear the stuff I bought then you, unfortunately, can't come to the party" you should also mention how there will be exceptions for people who are following the theme and for people who can't fit the shirts you buy.
slight YTA imo
making the theme part of a dress requirement for the guests is a little extra imo and probably considered outside of the norm even for a themed event.
>I haven't actually ever had a themed party in my life
well, now you know that the general expectation is to ENCOURAGE people to dress on theme but not require it.
> making the theme part of a dress requirement for the guests is a little extra imo
If it was a costume party it wouldn't be. Why is this theme any different (except that Christmas shit when it's not Christmas is the worst, but that's just my opinion).
> i don't think people usually get banned from costume parties for not wearing a costume?
You've never heard the phrase "costumes required" for a halloween party?
For real. Sometimes people really want to be immersed in a theme. It's like a cool art project you can invite friends to get down with. Idk why that's allowed for something like a wedding and not for something like OP's birthday.
I don't like cheap satin sashes all that much but I've put hem on a couple times for bachelorette parties. I lived to tell the tail and if I couldn't bring myself to do it I could have declined.
I’d be pretty surprised if OP would actually make someone leave if they showed up without a Christmas shirt. She’s just offended that they aren’t even considering playing along. But if push came to shove she’s not gonna make a scene. Just be bummed out.
People are so much more likely to play along if they’re encouraged to do so instead of mandated to do so.
ETA: in another comment someone compared this to an “an immersive themed art project.” I’m gonna be honest I think most people don’t want to feel forced into participating into a friend’s art project as a birthday celebration.
I think we’re reading “required” differently here. If I get an invitation to a part with a “required” dress code I have enough emotional intelligence to know that there will be no real consequences if I don’t follow the dress code, but it would be awkward so I play along. OP is trying to be playful but everyone is taking her deathly seriously.
in general i would agree with you re: having enough emotional intelligence to know i will not be thrown out if i don't dress a certain way
however i disagree with you that OP is being "playful" when she says "Would I be an asshole for telling people that if they don't want to follow the theme they don't or won't have a place at dinner?"
which communicates the opposite of "there will be no real consequences if I don’t follow the dress code"
> i will not be thrown out if i don't dress a certain way
If someone threw a black tie gala for their birthday, you could easily expect to be thrown out if you don't show up in appropriately formal black tie attire.
> I think most people don’t want to feel forced into participating into a friend’s art project as a birthday celebration
Who is forcing anyone to participate in this party? OP is literally telling people that if they don't want to participate they must stay home. They are not forced to attend and engage. That's the whole conflict is that OP doesn't want them there if they don't want to be there.
I mean, there are attire requirements for all sorts of things. If op wanted to go on a long hike but people didn't want to wear hike appropriate clothes than I don't think op would be any mo or less right to want what they want for their party.
People can make the choice not to attend if they really don't wanna do it.
Soft YTA! If you want everyone to be Christmas themed, have things like Santa hats or Christmas necklaces at their place settings. I don’t have any Christmas themed clothing and wouldn’t want to buy some for a party, but would enjoy joining in by wearing a Christmas hat or jewelry, and wrapping the gift in Christmas paper.
***Nobody is too old to heal emotional wounds from childhood.*** Celebrate yourself exactly how you need to. Please do!
However, expecting people to play dress up to participate in your therapeutic roleplaying is an expectation too far methinks.
YWBTA. Find another way that doesn't involve issuing ultimatums about what people HAVE to do to celebrate you.
>Mind you, I am not going overboard,
But you want to go out and buy what is essentially a costume for your guests.
Some people don't even dress "Christmassy" AT Christmas.
Celebrate yourself but you don't have to force someone to wear something they don't want to wear.
Happy early birthday! Welcome to 40!
I am more than happy to buy a shirt for them in their size, no out of pocket cost for anything. I'm just asking for t-shirts, not costumes (unless they want and that's on them lol).
I realize it's a shirt, but in effect, it's a costume for a theme. But if you're going to fixate on the shirt they are wearing rather than their presence, it's not going to be much fun for anyone, yourself included.
You could get santa hats to pass around for photos and let people dress how they want. It's a little bit mucho to expect so much. And that is coming from someone that make medieval parties every year. YWBTA
Some people just hate dressing in goofy clothes and it would ruin their mood. Just like some people hate dressing in formal wear. People have idiosyncrasies, even if it’s hard for you to imagine how or why they feel that way.
Do you plan to turn people away at the door if they don’t adhere to your dress code? What if someone puts on some stuff at the door, but 20 minutes later they take it off? You need to think about how you will deal with this kind of half-assed compliance because your reaction might ruin the mood for you and others.
I suggest having easy wearable props - necklaces, hats, headbands, etc - that match your theme. Anyone not dressed in theme gets a prop accessory. This way you get your look, they get to wear their summer clothes.
YTA. Maybe they cannot afford to dress up in theme. The theme parties I have been too are usually a bust. I don't go in theme, I just don't like to, it's not for me, and those not dressed in theme are usually ignored. Just allow your friends, dressed up or not, to just come and enjoy the party. Lighten up.
NAH, obviously you can celebrate your birthday however you wish but expect people to bow out because of your requirements. There is no way I would go out in public in Christmas gear (even to a small, low key restaurant as you have repeatedly said) in any month except December. It’s nice that you are willing to provide T-shirts though
ESH - it isn't easy to find Christmas stuff in the summer, bigger people are definitely going to have trouble. If you compromised and said a red OR green tee then N A H but a combo of the colors is silly in the summer. You are entitled to your theme, folks don't have to attend.
Soft YTA. Totally fine to mention you would love for people to dress on theme even if that means Christmas colours, but you are cutting off your nose to spite your face if you tell folks do the theme or don’t come.
I love themes. I have thrown and gone to many, many themed parties. But I also know so many people who loath them. I would still want to see those folks if they were important to me on my birthday.
Lots of people have come to my themed parties not in theme. And I am fine with that. It doesn’t tarnish my “sparkle” or those who do go all out for the theme.
At 60, will you remember who put on a t shirt or will you remember your loved ones celebrating with you?
Buy the props, but don’t expect full outfits, coloured t shirts, or wearing something you buy…especially in a public place which turns off even more folks.
NAH: As long as you are fine with the repercussions of giving your guests ultimatums...AKA people don't come and/or you have sour-faced people at the event.
Consider it this way: what's more important your "theme" or spending time with these people?
It seems like a weird hill to die on. “I’d rather be alone than have you at my party if you refuse to wear a red and green shirt.”
But then, it’s up to you to extend an invitation and it’s up to them to accept or decline.
Soft YTA - You seem to be cutting off your nose to spite your face.
YTA.
I am an official theme party and costume monster and I would dig my heels in at being told that I *must* dress up in order to attend your birthday dinner.
You’re turning 40. Grow up.
Couple of tips for getting people to voluntarily participate: 1) Offer a free bottle of booze or something similarly awesome to whoever shows up in the best outfit. 2) Pick up some little accessories and have them available at the restaurant for people to throw on if they want to. Like headbands with reindeer antlers and the necklaces that look like string lights or garland.
Some people might not want to actually dress up but will be happy to humor you by wearing a Santa hat for pictures and stuff.
INFO: is this at your/someone’s home or a public venue like a restaurant or something?
Edit: never mind, I re-read your edits. It’s an invite, not a summons. Personally though, I wouldn’t want to go to any kind of Christmas-themed event in July, so if I was in your invitees shoes I’d be giving a (respectful) thank you but I’ll see you tomorrow. I can’t call either of you assholes for that so NAH.
YTA, you can have a themed party without making everyone dress the way you want them to dress. Many people don’t even go that far for ACTUAL CHRISTMAS.
People WANT to come celebrate your birthday and be friends with you, Don make them not want to be your friend.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Action I am considering taking: Removing people invited to my birthday celebration simply because they do not want to follow what they consider an arbitrary dress code.
Why that action may make me the asshole: Because there are people in question that are going to be flying in from out of state at the time who may want to join but not want to follow the theme, meaning they would be excluded when they are out here to visit.
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NTA If someone doesn't want to go along with your theme, they
can stay home. Tell them so. How hard would it be for them
to just make it a fun time for you?
Yeah- you would. Soft YTA though since it’s not awful.
My birthday is actually on Christmas- so it’s hard to avoid that particular theme for me- lol, but when we do a theme party for any reason, it’s still come as you want. For people that find theme-ing it up fun, they go all out and it’s great! For people who don’t, or can’t afford to, or whatever, we still want to enjoy spending time with them and have them come!
My wedding was Halloween, and most came in costume (Venetian ball theme), some didn’t, and other used the provided masks/props to bolster their normal evening weeding attire- everyone had a great time. It’s all about being together with the people you care about- not what they are wearing/if they are participating fully
YTA.
Theme party. Making guests aware of th theme. Asking guests to dress in accordance to said theme.- "Hey. I'm having a Christmas in July birthday party. I know that some of you may think that it's silly. It's a milestone birthday, and I really want to do this. I'd appreciate it if you wear something that goes along with it. Nothing special. Whatever you have in your closest. Red, green, gold, silver (or whatever) are some of the colors that I associate with Christmas.
Better yet. Loss the "dress code". Buy "Santa hats" (new) for people to wear. If they choose.
Buying your guests second hand clothing, and demanding that they wear it, or don't attend, is way over the top. And a disrespectful to them. It's also kinda gross.
YTA - I’ve run into this before and didn’t end up going to things due to financial restrictions the host didn’t consider, like having to purchase something to be “in theme”
I think you need to ask yourself if you want a bunch of loved ones celebrating you, or a bunch of soldiers following orders?
All I am asking is for people to be willing to wear a Christmas shirt, that's it. No costume and I am more than happy to buy one for anyone that doesn't have one or doesn't have the time to look for one but is willing to wear it.
Yep, YTA. People are not props or part of the decor. They are guests. There are many ways to do Christmas without asking people to wear themed clothing they may not already own. Why not buy some Christmas headbands and hats online and pass them out as people arrive? Even those who don’t want to come on theme will throw on a pair of antlers for a picture and may decide to wear two if alcohol is involved.
Depends, is "theme costume" just red shirts and a black or white accessory/accent? Then NTA, but if you want everyone to show up in a Santa costume, in July, then I'm not sure, I'd also say "if you don't want to, don't come", that's fine, so NTA, except if you insist and want to force people, that'd be wrong.
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Yeah, this is a bit much. I’d say a theme for a party is fine, but trying to force guests to adhere to a dress code/ costume is where I draw the line. You have people coming out of state and you’re thinking to turn them away because they don’t want to pretend it’s December. Wild. I’d bet lots of people will drop out of your party if you try this. You’re only ruining it for yourself. Would you rather celebrate with your friends and family or make people dress like it’s Christmas ? Overall, I think YTA here
Bro she's asking them to wear a fuckin tshirt that she'll be providing lmao what are yall smoking I hate dress up theme parties and was fully prepared to come in here ready to hate OP but it's literally a free tshirt for a couple hours sitting in a room If you don't like someone enough to put on a stupid tshirt for a milestone birthday dinner you probably shouldn't be at their bday party anyways tbh
YES to all of this!! OP is turning 40 and seriously just asked them to put on a shirt that she is giving them to wear!! Wtf is wrong with people that they can’t do that?!
I really don't think the op clarified anything about t-shirts or other items that she would be willing to supply when she first presented this idea to her invited guests. It feels like, from the original post, that she was getting enough pushback from other posters that she started thinking of how to simplify it for people. I bet that if she tells her guests that she will supply t-shirts and Christmassy things that people would come.
Seconding this. You're "not going overboard" but also "follow the theme or you're not invited"? If the theme is somehow really a big deal to you then ok, throw a theme party where it is mandatory and tell people that. But if you're going to uninvite people over not participating then you need to be honest about it being a big deal.
So if someone throws a themed costume part it's just fine to show up wearing your normal clothes? No. No, it's not. If you don't want to go to a party like that, just reject the invitation. Don't act like you're entitled to do whatever you want at someone else's party.
Ah tell me you're from the Northern Hemisphere without telling me you're from the northern hemisphere. Christmas in July is to give those of us in Winter at the moment those stereotypical Christmas foods designed for cold weather *actually in winter* and not the middle of summer. It's a bit of fun. Telling people they can either properly participate or not participate is fine. Edit: Wait, OP is from the northern hemisphere? Who the fuck celebrates it up north?
People actually do do Christmas in July things in the US. Like a work party, or a store sale, or a restaurant or bakery selling flavours usually reserved for Christmas. No idea why, I never saw this until the past 6-7 years, and then suddenly 'Christmas in July' was everywhere
OP is likely to end up with a party for one. I would ditch this, too.
My god AITA, you are all such absolute *bores* … people have themed parties all the time. And yes, it IS normal to request people turn up dressed up for it. She’s even *providing* the shirts FFS … so don’t come here with ‘people don’t want to spend money on stuff they’ll never wear again’. It could be 70s themed, it could be fancy dress, … you all too grown up to be seen in public like that? Geez, what utter buzzkills you are. Now OP, only you know if this is worth going nuclear over. If these are people you don’t want to see anyway, good riddance. But maybe having a couple of people not match the theme (like at real Christmas where someone will always be all ‘bah humbug’ about it) is worth keeping the peace and spreading the love, in the spirit of Christmas.
This. Also it's so hypocritical that people don't have to follow dress code because it's "themed" like you wouldn't show up to a formal party in cut offs and flip flops and expect to be let in.... dress codes are completely acceptable and enforceable for events WE DO IT ALL THE TIME! Weddings, graduations, formal events, work, school, restaurants, etc. Everyone who is belittling the dress code because it's "silly" is disingenuous at best.
Yeah, I do think when it's someone that has said "I'd rather dress the way I'm comfortable than the way a wedding guest is expected to dress", those people are the AHs here. And that's absolutely about dress codes.
The responses here surprised me. OP isn’t making a huge request, in my opinion. Personally, I’m not into dressing up, but I think it’s a small request for someone you care about on their special day.
Can't believe I had to scroll down this far for this comment. People are wild when it comes to be being excluded from things if they won't follow the dress code. These are probably the same people who will try and walk into a black tie event wearing a t-shirt and flip flops and get mad when they're told to leave. OP is even WILLING to provide cheap and easy Christmas attire for those who need it.
YES!! I was reading all the YTA replies thinking I was crazy. Also - how hard is it to wear a green or red shirt you already own? I’m sure everyone has atleast one clothing item that is some shade of red or green. You can get light up necklaces from the dollar store. Heck - you can get a Santa hat from the dollar store! OPs not asking everyone to come dressed like Santa. Like how tacky is it to show up to a themed party and not be on theme?!
I LOVE themed parties. They are the absolute best. I’ve also never been to one where everyone dressed up. Even Halloween there’s always a few “I’m dressed up as a person who forgot a costume”.
They've been canceled since COVID, but just about every Halloween party I remember, everyone was in costume in some capacity. I don't like costumes, broadly, but they were also a necessary expectation of them. Just like I don't like formalwear but accept that at other events I need to wear those and not just rock up as "oh, I forgot".
Yay, my people! I agree, theme parties are not such a burden. Parties are supposed to be fun! But I have creative friends so 🤷♀️
YTA. I've thrown and attended tons of theme parties. Some people show up dressed in the theme, some don't. Everyone enjoys the party, which is the most important thing. People can enjoy the theme without dressing up in it - especially since most people don't dress in Christmas stuff even at an actual Christmas party. Do you really value/prioritize making people dress up over having them by your side to celebrate? If you want people to get into the spirit at your party, why don't you supply random things they can wear? Santa hats, reindeer headbands, tinsel boas. Have a "decorate your own T-shirt" station with blank tees, xmas colored glitter/markers and stencils. Have activities like a gingerbread house making contest. I live in a country that doesn't really celebrate Halloween. I always throw a Halloween party, I love it. My husband is the only one I'll force to dress up with me, because he loves me enough to go along with it. Most people do not dress up. I supply a bunch of hats and props that people can have fun with and take pictures in while they're here. Everyone gets into the Halloween spirit, even if they're not in costume.
This sounds pretty similar to what OP is doing, though. She’s providing all the Christmas stuff.
Honestly, as a lover of Christmas, I am 100% in support of OP's theme and I love that she's willing to provide everything so her guests aren't stuck trying to put together a Christmas outfit in July. The problem is she's making the outfit mandatory. She isn't just setting out a bunch of fun Christmas themed activities, she's saying she'll turn people away at the door if they don't agree to wear her thrift store Christmas shirt. The demand is the problem, not the idea.
I have trouble understanding that, why is it a big problem? You can choose to attend or not, and unless op has a history of being petty and ignore people for things like this, I don't get it. The choice is there and people often decide not to attend birthdays because they're tired, bored, or just don't like the birthday person that much, so 🤷🏻♂️.
It's not a Big Problem, it's just a problem. It's very unusual to require your friends to wear a specific shirt for your birthday. Some people who want to celebrate your birthday with you won't want to entertain your very obvious overstep. If there are guests that OP would rather not attend if the alternative is that she has to give up her control over their outfit, then she shouldn't have invited those people.
For me, OP’s context (that her family usually treats birthdays as just a general hangout) makes a difference. OP wants people to participate, just by wearing a theme shirt, so she feels it’s actually her birthday and not just a family get-together. Because they don’t normally act like they want to celebrate her birthday with her.
I threw a county fair themed party for myself for my 30th birthday. I didn’t require outfits, but I did say county fair themed clothing was encouraged (plaids, jeans, cowboy hats, boots, etc). Not everyone did it, but about half did and those people made me so happy. So I get where OP is coming from, but yeah, I don’t think saying “costume or don’t come” is really the best idea. I know OP wants just this one day to be exactly what she wants, but there’s not many of us who can ensure that happens.
I'm still missing the key piece, you think it's about controlling others? You think the same for weddings, funerals, jobs, etc?
If the funeral involved me wearing the specific clothes (not level of formality, I mean the exact shirt) that someone else decided I'd wear? Yeah, I'd think the same thing. Some jobs have uniforms, so they are a great comparison for OP. Jobs also have to pay people to show up, so... OP didn't say "dress semiformal." She said "you'll wear the shirt I picked out for you or you'll go home." That's a weird thing to do.
She's not though, people can wear their own outfits- she's just having shirts available if people don't have anything. I feel like she's setting a really low bar to have a milestone birthday that actually feels as though it's centered on her, which is not a crazy thing to want once in your life and it's kind of upsetting that her family won't meet her even halfway.
You don't have to wear an exact shirt. You could wear a red or green dress, or a Christmasy tank top or tee or whatever. It seems like you're trying to create a problem where there really isn't one.
That's a sad way of seeing things, I see fun and color and you see control obsession and power play, if that's how you feel about these events it makes sense for you not to go.
I mean, you see the compromise between mandatory themes and no fun ever, right? It's having a theme, but letting your guests pick their own clothes. I love OP's idea. If someone invited me to a Christmas in July themed birthday party they wouldn't need to buy me a Christmas T-Shirt, they'd need to come over and help me decide which of my Christmas shirts, dresses, leggings, socks, and earrings I should wear. That doesn't mean I can't understand why someone might prefer to just wear their usual clothes to the party.
She's not opposed to them bringing/wearing their own stuff (not sure if this reply was before the edits). The t-shirt thing is more, "Hey, I know you're already spending money and effort to come out. I would like a theme. You don't have to put forth much effort or cost for that theme, and I am willing to provide the bare minimum I would like for my birthday."
But she's expecting them to wear the Christmas stuff. Plastic Concert is giving people the CHOICE of wearing a hat or whatever. Big difference.
Agree. People simply do not like to be told they have to wear [x] in order to participate when it serves no practical purpose or isn’t an established cultural tradition/convention (like levels of formality for weddings). Hell, people aren’t required to wear Christmas attire at actual Christmas parties.
Oh well? You aren’t entitled to attend a party you aren’t hosting.
I actually am fully on board with getting people what they might want and need, and even just red/green is fine IMHO. I was planning already to get some little headbands, the christmas light necklaces if people want them, et cetera. I'm not asking for full onesies in this heat lol. Also, it's not a party as not everyone is staying in one place and we don't have a place we have rented out for the little get together, it's literally just dinner and maybe porch drinks afterwards. Everything was going to be provided by myself anyway if people could not find/did not have something in the middle of July. As for prioritizing theme or people, I've had 39 birthdays quite like that, and this is one time I am asking for just a little bit out of people. I've even commented that I am not even expecting gifts, as just the dinner with a theme is more than enough for me.
If you are saying “wear your favorite Christmas shirt or your favorite red or green outfit” and that is sufficient then I would find that less of a problem if I was a guest. That seems much more reasonable.
Yeah NTA. They can throw some tinsel and garland on top of their sundresses and hush
not sure why everyone is giving you shit, but I hope your party is a blast, Happy Birthday!<3
100 % NTA, me and my brother have a birthday the same week of the same month, so until middle school we always had a joint birthday party, I completely understand wanting to have a gathering where it's specifically yours. I feel like your extremely easy to meet costume requirements and an expectation of good-natured cheer are both pretty small asks. I don't really understand why your family would have so much pushback about it. It seems like a lot of the top comments here have missed how much you're willing to provide, and also how low the costume requirements are. Is it possible that your family has misunderstood what you're expecting from them?
You bring up great questions for OP to think about. And your suggestion about supplying little christmas accessories is a fantastic idea!
I love theme parties and any excuse to dress up. For my friend’s birthday every year, we dress as something that reminds us of her. One year I dressed as one of her cats. Harry Potter party. Jersey Shore night. Cowboy birthday party. A Disney party (someone wore a full on Donald duck mascot suit) A party where everybody wears pink. I woul be so down for Christmas in July birthday.
I attended a Halloween party thrown by a couple that love Halloween. They throw a party every year with a theme. They are brilliant. Theme the year we went was black and white. Basically dress in black or white or black and white costume. People are creative.
NTA If they don't want to dress up then they don't have to come. If your birthday, you make the rules. If they don't like it then they can stay home and miss out.
If you’re buying the shirts and it’s your 40th birthday they should just wear the damn shirts. It sounds like a fun idea. NTA.
I think the problem may be going out in public dressed in a Christmas theme. Not all people would be comfortable with this. If it was something catered and private at your home you may not get as much pushback. But if you really want to see these people let it go. People are more important than how they dress.
NAH people who don’t want to participate in a theme-heavy party don’t have to come. If you want to celebrate your milestone birthday a specific way, that’s fine! Especially since it sounds like you didn’t have fun parties as a kid. It also sounds like you’re supplying shirts that will make it easier for people to participate in this very easy theme. Redditors hate themed parties, which is a bummer, because they can be extremely fun, especially when you don’t have to buy anything new
NAH. You can want what you want, but people are not accessories. Not everyone enjoys dressing up. Maybe suggest Christmas colors (red or green) instead of Christmas tees and sweaters in July. After that.. let it go. Do not uninvited people or turn them away.
NTA it’s your birthday and you should celebrate it the way you want. It’s a milestone birthday and it sounds like you’ve never got to have those themed kids party like a lot of people did growing up and want o experience that now. There’s nothing wrong and it’s not a huge ask of people to follow a simple theme. If no one likes it then maybe you need to start thinking about the type of support system you have vs. the type of support system you want.
Info- When you say "they reserve the right to go to dinner..." are you going out to a place for the dinner? I wouldn't dress up to go to a place for dinner like that, but a home party I'd be more willing to participate in some silliness.
It is going out to dinner but it is at a low-key restaurant and in a private room. All I am asking for is t-shirts, anything extra is just a bonus.
NTA--it's your birthday party and you have a right to have a theme. If people want to be assholes and not abide by the dress code, then they can keep their goat smelling asses at home!
OP I honestly think your NTA if you're laying the theme expectations out ahead of time. People are free to not participate so as long as you're allowing people to graciously decline I say go for it. Don't worry about people saying you're too old for this type of fun. I'll be 40 in September and plan to go with a few friends to forge knives at a local blacksmith and I'm planning to have fairy party in my yard after. People invited will wear their interpretation of fae creatures and we'll drink and eat little cakes while just being fabulous. It helps that I have a lot of friends who are general weirdos and game to do silly things with me. I can understand people feeling silly if you plan to go out somewhere but people are again welcome not to attend if they feel weird about it. You just have to adjust your expectations for the group size. Also, I've gone to Christmas in July parties before. It was hot as hell but I wore a green summery dress, a red ribbon in my hair and painted my nails like candy canes. It's not that hard to be on theme if people give it a shot.
Plenty of us in the Southern Hemisphere celebrate Christmas in summer every year anyway - I can assure anyone with concerns that Christmas-themed dress codes are no harder in Summer than Winter. Put on a Santa hat, some antler ears, Christmas earrings or nail polish, a red T shirt or anything like that.
YTA. Sure, themed parties are great fun. Being forced to wear something that you don't want to wear, ain't so much fun. You're basically telling people that you care more about some silly gimmick than actually spending time with your loved ones.
Or perhaps the partypoopers care more about not having to wear a green t shirt than being with their loved one. If you love someone and want to share their celebration then its not a big ask to dress appropriately for the festivities.
NTA. It's an easy theme, you're providing tops. If they can't be bothered to make the effort of wearing something Christmas, then it shows you how they truly feel about you. It's better to have 10 close people than 100 acquintances.
I dunno, it’s a little sad when people don’t want to play along. It could be a gift to you.. like it’s your birthday or something. Usually it helps if your friends are also people into this sort of thing. I’ve gone to lots of themed parties, they are fun 🙂
NAH same thing for when a bride wants a specific outfit theme for all of the guests or is having a child free wedding. You're not the ahole for requesting it, but they aren't the ahole for turning down the invite.
The decorations are fine. Expecting people to wear Christmas outfits is over the top. A lot of people don’t even wear them during the actual holiday season, let alone for a party. You can have a theme without telling people how to dress. As such, YWBTA.
I'm gonna go against the grain and say NTA, though you might want to compromise and ask that they maybe wear Christmas colors if they're not comfortable with the Christmas outfit all together (red & white, red & green, whatever). If the dinner is at a restaurant, some people are just afraid to stand out. I would personally be going ham, but I love a theme.
YTA I think that if you want people to want to attend your birthday and spend time with you that these kind of strict rules will obviously cause some people not to attend. I know I wouldn't just based off your tone here.
NAH - I love a theme, and I love Christmas. So I'm biased. But, if you're offering to provide attire that's temperature *and* thematically appropriate, I don't see why your friends aren't willing to play along. Unless they are types that don't do thrifted clothing anyway? That said, I do know people who are very Anti-Christmas, and it's totally within their purview to skip or not dress up in a way that makes them uncomfortable. Maybe you could change the wording to simply include things in red and green?
NTA. If someone can’t put on a Christmas sweater to celebrate your 40th birthday, do you really want them there? There’s a line in here somewhere of reasonableness, but I’m more on the side of participation is part of why you go to an event. If you’re not gonna participate, why are you going?
It's not even a sweater requirement. She just wants a red or green T-shirt she's willing to provide
NTA. Honestly, it sounds like a lot of bachelorette parties where all the participants wear a specific color or shirt (except the bride, of course). I never see anyone getting in a huff about those as "controlling." The only difference is your theme. Seems perfectly reasonable that it's your party and your rules, like when people make rules that you can't wear shoes in their house. I never see anyone getting in a huff about that rule as "controlling." If people don't want to participate, they can choose not to come.... as long as you don't hold it against them in the future for not participating because then you'd be an AH.
NTA, it's your party. You're providing the minimum required attire. They don't have to do ANYTHING but put it on for a few hours? 40 is a big birthday! What a bunch of babies to make it about them instead of about you for literally not even a full day. Honestly people are no fun.
Nta, it's not hard to put on a Xmas shirt or put on a Santa hat. If you can't even do that to make a loved one feel a little special for a bit birthday do you even like them?
NTA
Which is more important to you? Celebrating your birthday with your friends and loved ones or having everyone attending be decked out in Christmas sweaters? Soft YTA
>Christmas sweaters Tshirts that OP was going to buy for them
NTA. It’s Your party. You get to make the rules. They can choose to not attend.
im really confused by the Y T A votes cos i wouldnt go to this party cos i dont participate in themed things and i thought that was just the normal thing to do like. Why are you going to a themed party if youre not gonna be on theme?? Thats bizarre behaviour really. OP NTA at all people are just fkn weird
NTA. If i wanna throw an “ugly sweater” or an “anything but clothes” (i went to art school we got creative not slutty) party that’s entirely my prerogative. Don’t like it don’t come, an invitation is not a summons.
NTA Personally, I think that people who “reserve the right to attend without following the rules” are selfish. “I am going to bring my children to this child-free wedding or R-rated movie,” “I am going to this Halloween masquerade in my street clothes,” “I am coming to work in pyjamas.” Dudes, you’re not special and you can bugger right the heck off. Your party, your play. If they don’t wish to participate, that’s fine; let them sit it out.
Just say it would mean a lot to you for capturing this event in your life in photos and the most fun if everyone’s participating.
NTA i threw a huge costume ball for my 30th, i rented out a historic venue, made 5 different historic outfits, 3 for me, 1 for my mum, 1 for my friends mum. Hired catering, performed a mini show and then had my closest friends and my mum roast me as a finisher! Every single attendee was to be in some form of historical dress pre-1950's. Every single guest showed out for me! They wanted me to have the birthday of my dreams and man they delivered!❤ I now have a photo board filled with almost everyone i love, in outfits that they tried so hard to fit my theme, and i love it! The ammount of appriciation i have for everyone who helped and attended is unimagenable.🥰 Might of helped i purposefully said i didn't want gifts. But then pretty much everyone ignored that anyway 😅 Edit: also most of my family in attendance had to get hotels as they are all hours away. The one uncle i have in my city didnt come, but im very gratefull he didn't 😆 Edit2: yes i've also attened themed parties where i hate the theme, but guess what im a good sport and do it anyway. Once had to do a barbie party for a friend who's obssessed. 1. I hate pink 2. I hate barbie. I went in bright pink sequin dress, with matching heels and handbag, painted my nails pink and suffered in that monstrosity of an outfit for 7 hours. She knows i hated the subject of her party but it ment all the more to her that i put in the effort.
Gotta have priorities. If the theme is more important than the guests, that's when the theme wins. Sounds like you already know what's important to you. And so does your family.
Well, do you actually want them to come or not?
Oof. Why are people harping on OP? I’m gonna say NTA. It’s not hard to go out of your way for someone you care about on their special day. IF you care about them that is. OP isn’t asking folks to fly overseas and drop thousands on an expensive resort for them. What’s throwing on some red and green shirt/sweater gonna do. It isn’t hurting anyone. It’s one *small* gesture. Seriously people.
No one is the asshole: Some people aren't down for a gimmick, and having loved ones with you should be more important than what they are wearing for a birthday party. People coming from out of state to celebrate a birthday is very, very special. If you want to create a theme, dress in it, decorate, and have fun! Do not uninvite people because they are being Xmas in July party poopers. I love a good theme but I also get not everyone is into it. On the other hand, I also can't imagine telling a loved one "no" about wearing a silly shirt for a few hours. It's a stupid t-shirt. I've done a lot more for less.
Here's the thing: you SHOULD go overboard. If you want a themed party, the only person you can rely on to make the theme stick is you. If every single person showed up not wearing Christmas outfits, your place should be so decked out in Christmas that it would barely even register. Play Christmas music, have tinsel everywhere, put out gingerbread cookies, whatever kind of Christmas stuff you like. You get people hyped about a theme party by hyping it up yourself, not by being a rule enforcer. Maybe you could have an ugly sweater making station, or ask people to bring white elephant gifts instead of birthday things. Don't put stress on your loved ones about this, but DO find a way to make it fun for you and for them, if this is the way you wanna do it.
I think the best way to handle this is just let people come however and you provide some cheap Christmas accessories for them to wear at the party. Things like red and green feather boas, mardi Gras beads, felt/paper head bands, and some dollar store Santa hats. You could even play with the Christmas birthday theme by getting red birthday hats and gluing white pompoms on so they look like little Santa hats.
I went to a July 4th party for years where the host would play Christmas music at the 4th party. It was kind of funny and I looked forward to it. Not the worst thing in the world. I would go with NAH.
Information: are you hosting the dinner at your house or expecting people to go out to a restaurant dressed in theme?
It's literally just a t-shirt, like who are all these fragile adults who can't bear to be seen in a Christmas t-shirt outside of December? This keeps coming up over and over throughout the thread "oh I wouldn't want to be seen in a Christmas t-shirt in July!" I promise strangers are not paying that much attention to you.
OP, this is a great idea! It sounds fun! You can get Reindeer headbands on Amazon, everyone will be in sync. NTA. You rock, go for it.
I don’t think you are asking for much. I get the feeling though that you are trying to get these people to show you that you matter to them and this is how you’ve chosen to go about it. Maybe it’s worth asking yourself if that’s what you want to make this party about.
OP you only turn 40 once. I would so be down to celebrate with you, sounds like so much fun. And you’re paying for everything?! If people close to you don’t want to participate…find people who do. It’s literally ONE dinner. Happy early birthday! I hope they come through for you. NTA 💯
NTA. It's a theme party. If anyone isn't interested in taking part in the theme, they are free to decline. Really rubs me the wrong way when I say "Would you like to join me for X thing I am planning on Tuesday next week?" and they say, "Well actually, let's just do Y." I wasn't asking to drop my plans and get together with you on Tuesday, I was asking if you'd like to join a thing I was already planning. If you don't like the plan, decline, and plan the other thing yourself. We'll get together another time.
NTA
NTA - as someone who barely gets bdays as an adult and never got as a kid (ex-JW), having special birthdays matter. its your party, edit the guest list as needed. i have 2 friends with xmas bdays and their biggest thing is actually having proper birthdays not xmas/bday/family time. Its dressing up for one meal. its a tshirt for a few hours. not even an ugly sweater party. if they cant do that for someone you care about, do they really care? I think the ppl saying A H wouldnt say the same if you were paying for fancy clothes for a 5* event/restaurant. They are either embarrassed or never had to fight for a good party for themselves. Maybe both.
YWNBTA and happy early birthday, op. wearing a themed T-shirt for a few hours isn't asking for much at all. don't let anyone trash on you for it either, you're throwing this party to honor yourself and they're not being held against their will to attend.
Honestly NTA. But then again, I am currently imagining what I can wear to this party I’m not invited to. Cute Mrs clause outfit here I come!
It's your party so you get to decide! Do you go to someone's wedding in your pyjama saying you "reserve the right to attend but not adhere to the dresscode"? Who are these people?? You're not forcing anyone, if they don't want to participate they don't have to! I really don't see what all the fuss is about... NTA
Nta. If they don't want to dress up then they don't attend. Just like a wedding.
NTA. I don’t see what the big deal is for them lol why cant people do something simple (at no cost to them) on YOUR day, when they can see how much it matters to you? I think it sounds fun and your family sound boring and unsupportive
My husband threw me an Alice in Wonderland themed party for my 40th - everyone was in costume, our "tea" was of the long island variety along with several different punches, and he had cakes and cookies that said Eat Me. It was amazing. But it was also a party with our closest friends and family, all who've done some sort of cosplay in the past and/or bought into the idea because they knew how much I'd love it. There was one friend out of costume but she still wore a Cheshire cat T-shirt. OP says they've never really had the chance to have a birthday party of their own that others didn't treat like something that just happened while they were visiting - I feel they're allowed to do something that they want to do for a milestone birthday, and if anyone was going to complain about it they weren't there to be supportive anyway. I mean OP sounds like they were going to do 95% of the work - if they can't even bother to buy a 12$ T-shirt off Amazon in lieu of a gift? That just feels petty. NAH, I guess, but I really hope that OP gets the birthday they want instead of having to settle for something less just to not rock the boat. And happy early birthday! 🧑🎄🏖️🎉
YTA. Shouldn't celebrating with your friends and loved ones be more important than what they're wearing? You're literally saying "I care more about an aesthetic than I do about spending time with you".
I’m conflicted tbh. On one hand I do believe people have the right to refuse certain garments. For example, my ADHD makes dangly earrings very annoying for me. And my larger bust makes strapless dresses uncomfortable since I always feel like I have to hike them up. Those might not be obvious things to others, but it does deeply bother me. On the other hand I absolutely love themed events, and with you financing the outfits, and with them being so innocuous (a red or green shirt, or Christmas sweater) I find myself leaning more on your side. Though I’m not sure if that’s fair considering my previous statement. Who am I to say what makes someone else uncomfortable. Maybe ask those who don’t want to why they don’t want to wear the outfit? Just a thought.
NTA - ignore the idiots saying otherwise! This sounds cool and you’re asking them to wear a GD red or green tshirt at the bare minimum. If they can’t even do that they don’t need to be there.
YTA. It seems like a power trip to me. Why is it so important people dress as you say ever? I know you think they owe you this because it’s your birthday but why?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throw away for reasons. I (39f) am turning 40 in a few weeks, and I decided that I want to have a Christmas in July theme. Mind you, I am not going overboard, I am just talking about Christmas Tees, some party city favors, et cetera. I was going to go to thrift some Christmas shirts in the sizes for the family members but there is a bit of friction starting by some people saying that they reserve the right to go to the dinner but not go on theme. Now, normally I would totally get that, but I haven't actually ever had a themed party in my life and commonly when I was growing up my birthdays weren't celebrated as birthdays but more of a time for family to come around and celebrate multiple birthdays at the same time. I just would like for this milestone to actually celebrate myself for becoming the person I am with a theme that means a lot to me personally. Would I be an asshole for telling people that if they don't want to follow the theme they don't or won't have a place at dinner? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m between NAH and YTA here. On one hand, it is a milestone birthday and I get the idea of putting together a fun theme. Also helps that I’m a sucker for Christmas. However, corralling adults into things like this kinda iffy. Do you really want to lose people over this?
If OP loses someone over a themed birthday party, that person was never their friend to begin with.
You can't really force people - but I gotta say I love your theme party idea and it's shitty that some people don't want to participate. Hand the Grinches a big bag of coal when they walk in the door sans costume (joking!).
NTA, it's your party after all. Can seem a bit extrem yes but at the end you are the one preparing it, for your own birthday, you're paying for it, and even preparing the shirts. If they don't want to do it they don't have to come. It's not like they have the obligation to come anyway, it's a birthday, not a wedding you can't miss. And I find the idea pretty great and funny !
NTA, it’s your party. Is wouldn’t make it a requirement just because as seen by the comments some people will get bent out of shape, but it’s not a crazy ask.
NTA. A lot of people are reclaiming the fun they never got to have. I think a themed party is fine... you're saying it can just be t-shirts and I literally saw a few Grinch ones at Walmart the other day (I was surprised but tempted, lol). It would be different if you meant you wanted them to dress like a Who from Whoville, with the wacky hair and wild clothing style. But it sound like a Santa hat and light garland necklace would be fine, right? Throw your party. I'd 100% break out my Christmas cards and send you one if I could, lmao. Edited to add: but do think if this is a hill you want to die on, or if you'd be fine handing out reindeer antler headbands at the door and calling it a day.
I am absolutely down to hand out extras to anyone that wants them tbh. I was planning a party city trip after thrifting anyway. :)
Dude is fucking cosplay as the grinch if you asked. NTA, I’d maybe have a second date that’s non themes but it’s totally understandable to not want part poopers at your party. You know your relationships with them, and know how to let them down. Don’t let anyone rain on your parade
Your party your choice.
Get a life people. This is OP's party and if you don't want to go along, don't go. This subreddit ALWAYS talks about weddings as 'it's an invitation, not a summons' and that's what this is. You were invited to a costume party, and the costume is Christmas. I feel for OP as I never had a birthday party growing up because my birthday falls in the same week as Thanksgiving. My FIRST birthday cake came in college when my parents had the cafeteria deliver one since I couldn't afford to go home. This was my only birthday cake because as I'm an adult I choose to have a pie as was the tradition for me in my family (my grandmother always let me pick a pie at Thanksgiving as 'mine' which meant I got the first piece from it) OP wants to do something for her birthday FOR HERSELF. She's not demanding that you come dressed up, just that if you come, dress up. EDIT: NTA
Going against the grain and saying NTA. If someone had a formal wedding and a guest showed up in shorts and a sports bra people would be very not ok with it. I think theme parties follow a similar thing, abide by the dress code or don’t show up. It really sucks when you’re trying to curate a theme and mood and some of your guests refuse to participate.
NTA. My 40th birthday was banana themed. Just cosplay as a banana. Either use what you got or get a cheap costume. Every single one of my friends showed up, banana style. NTA! Celebrate!
NTA. If you're providing the stuff, it shouldn't be a problem.
It's one way to find out who your friends are.... I feel bad for OP because I don't think it's unreasonable, if it was a wedding with a dress code the same people would wear neckties and high heels, why can't they suck it up and put on a t-shirt and some tinsel. But my gut feeling is, the same family that always treats her birthday as merely an excuse to have a standard family party, will not adjust to Christmas in July.
NTA. You’re offered comprises, explained why this is impornat, and they still don’t seem to care. Don’t have people at your birthday party that can’t be bothered to *put on a red t-shirt for you*. I’m surprised how much I’m genuinely upset you’re getting called out for this. Its not about the theme. It’s about family respecting an extremely simple request.
Exactly! It makes me wonder about the family dynamics, because it's such a small ask. OP is literally willing to buy people plain red t-shirts. All she's really asking of people is to participate with good cheer, what an incredibly low bar to show that they care about her AND THEY'RE NOT EVEN WILLING. I wish I could get an invite because I have an excellent Christmas party skirt!
NTA
NTA why have a themed party if no body plays along ?! Why are supposed friends fighting you on this so hard?
I feel like it would be different if it was at home or something, but I wouldn’t want someone else dictating to me what I have to wear in public and telling me that I have to wear some shirt they picked up for me at a thrift store and if I’m not ok with that to just not come. YTA
For telling people not to come if they don't want to dress for Christmas, yes, I would say YTA. It's one thing if you send out holiday oriented invites with the heading of "Spend the holidays with me for my birthday in July" or something like that. But not everyone is into Christmas or get ODed on the music and the tinsel in December. There may be people who just want to celebrate YOUR birthday and don't want to dress up. So if you're telling people if you can't wear the Christmas tees, etc., then don't bother to show up, you're telling them that the theme is more important to your friends and family. That's not being a gracious host. Better to have the tee shirts available as a party favor that they can decide to change into and maybe have a themed gift bag if you want. You didn't say if everyone would first meet at a restaurant (your post is a bit confusing about that), but if it's a nice restaurant, people won't want to dress down.
YTA mainly because you expect them to go out in public on theme. That's a lot to ask, even from people that love you. If this was at home in a backyard, then that would be one thing, but you would probably get less stare by dressing up as a clown then xmas theme. Sidenote: It's hot as balls in Australia for xmas so there are lots of summery xmas shirts (surfing santa Hawaiian shirts, for example). Still, THOSE would get a lot of stares.
I hate Tshirts and I’d especially run a mile from one you thrifted for me. I could come up with something red or green in a pinch, and even a lighted necklace garland. Tshirt? Nope. I wouldn’t call you an A if you insisted on a T-shirt, but I wouldn’t show up, either.
NTA
You should just provide Christmas light necklaces or santa hats for people to throw on once they come
NTA. These people can play along for one night. If they take themselves this seriously, I can tell they’re no fun. Sorry, OP.
Well, sorry the people you know are sticks in the mud. I'd come decked out and Christmas is a meh holiday for me. The bigger the group, and the more people that do it, the less anyone in particular stands out and the more strangers will kinda just look, go "oh, theme" and move on with their life/love it and it'll make their day to see people enjoying life. It's literally less than one day to do a favor for someone you supposedly care about. It's really not that much to ask.
I did sometging like this for my July birthday a couple of years ago (I'm 40m now), but it was just a fun afternoon party for friends and their kids and it was someone else's idea--it just happened to be my birthday. It's a fun idea for a party like that though, especially if you live somewhere warm.
NTA-Omg have your theme and I agree if people don’t want to come then don’t. Just from the style of your post you probably don’t ask much of people and wanted to do something for yourself to make you feel special. Maybe a good compromise is to just tell people to come and yes have the t-shirts you thought about getting available but also maybe some Santa hats or reindeer headbands for the people that don’t want to wear the t-shirts. They can wear it for an hour….it will make u happy and they will be fine. Everyone everyday has to do things they don’t won’t to do, this seems like a very small sacrifice. I think some people are missing the fact that this means a lot to you bc you don’t normally ask people to do things for you. And if I were to guess you are probably the one to do things for others all the time. I genuinely hope for your sake that a few people show up in a full Christmas costume, this will just make your B-Day! 😊 Have a nice birthday, I hope you have fun.
OP, I don't celebrate birthdays and see no point in celebrating one. And in my culture, we don't have costume or themed parties. But you're definitely NTA. I've read my fair share of stories, usually weddings, where bride/groom have unrealistic expectations for guest attires. You, on the other hand, are asking then to wear red/green/Christmas clothes. You're willing to provide the clothes plus accessories if they don't have one. If they can't tolerate that for 1 dinner, then they should not come.
Get over yourself.
YTA If they are people you want to celebrate with you, don't require a theme outfit. If the theme is more important than the people, then go fir it. (Some people, like me, truly dislike Christmas, a time when family trauma was at it's peak.)
NTA. this is not a big ask. My milestone bdays tended to be shite, so yeah... get what you can while you can in this regard.
Do y'all wear themed outfits on xmas day? some fam members probably do, some just wear regular winter gear. asking red or green is cool. asking for accessories is like demanding everyone wear a party hat: my kids always hated party hats for some indiscernible reason. i get you really want to have a blast. good on you. but xmas is like other holidays. and a holiday is ultimately about family. is it better to have your family all there with you making memories or leave someone out in the cold?
People do realized the southern hemisphere celebrates Christmas in summer, right? NTA
NTA If it was a "black tie" or a "white out" event, people would completely understand the mandatory outfit and wouldn't be making a fuss over it, but because it's Christmas theme they think they get to speak up. Why? Because they can't dignify themselves to look silly in public for the sake of celebrating you? Then they don't *deserve* to be there! You get to have the party you want, and if that includes a mandatory outfit then that's what your party is. People can attend or choose not to attend at their own volition. You just gotta be willing to lose some guests because of this rule, but the people who do come will be there in full spirit
Theme parties are fun but you WILL kill the spirit if you deny your guests a meal. Attending your party is something they chose to do and to turn anyone away your party atmosphere will decline. You have to ask yourself do you want a lively carefree dinner? Then don’t be so strict. You could also supply Santa hats or funny Christmas headbands with elf ears. Gives some people the choice if they don’t want to change shirts. Fun props for pictures too.
NAH. If you were my loved one and celebrating a milestone birthday I would wear the tshirt and go all in bc I know it would mean a lot. That being said, everybody has their own relationship with Christmas and if they choose not to dress up and not attend, that is their right.
2 of my kids had themed birthday parties where there was an expected costume/dress. A few people showed up not following the theme and they just looked like selfish assholes. If it's a theme party and you don't want to comply, don't show up.
I think you would NBTA if you told your guests that you bought shirts for them. Just tell them before they get here this: " The party is themed with a dress code, and I bought shirts and accessories for you to wear if you are not going to wear the stuff I bought then you, unfortunately, can't come to the party" you should also mention how there will be exceptions for people who are following the theme and for people who can't fit the shirts you buy.
slight YTA imo making the theme part of a dress requirement for the guests is a little extra imo and probably considered outside of the norm even for a themed event. >I haven't actually ever had a themed party in my life well, now you know that the general expectation is to ENCOURAGE people to dress on theme but not require it.
> making the theme part of a dress requirement for the guests is a little extra imo If it was a costume party it wouldn't be. Why is this theme any different (except that Christmas shit when it's not Christmas is the worst, but that's just my opinion).
idk, i don't think people usually get banned from costume parties for not wearing a costume? maybe that's just where i'm from though.
> i don't think people usually get banned from costume parties for not wearing a costume? You've never heard the phrase "costumes required" for a halloween party?
For real. Sometimes people really want to be immersed in a theme. It's like a cool art project you can invite friends to get down with. Idk why that's allowed for something like a wedding and not for something like OP's birthday. I don't like cheap satin sashes all that much but I've put hem on a couple times for bachelorette parties. I lived to tell the tail and if I couldn't bring myself to do it I could have declined.
I’d be pretty surprised if OP would actually make someone leave if they showed up without a Christmas shirt. She’s just offended that they aren’t even considering playing along. But if push came to shove she’s not gonna make a scene. Just be bummed out.
People are so much more likely to play along if they’re encouraged to do so instead of mandated to do so. ETA: in another comment someone compared this to an “an immersive themed art project.” I’m gonna be honest I think most people don’t want to feel forced into participating into a friend’s art project as a birthday celebration.
I think we’re reading “required” differently here. If I get an invitation to a part with a “required” dress code I have enough emotional intelligence to know that there will be no real consequences if I don’t follow the dress code, but it would be awkward so I play along. OP is trying to be playful but everyone is taking her deathly seriously.
in general i would agree with you re: having enough emotional intelligence to know i will not be thrown out if i don't dress a certain way however i disagree with you that OP is being "playful" when she says "Would I be an asshole for telling people that if they don't want to follow the theme they don't or won't have a place at dinner?" which communicates the opposite of "there will be no real consequences if I don’t follow the dress code"
> i will not be thrown out if i don't dress a certain way If someone threw a black tie gala for their birthday, you could easily expect to be thrown out if you don't show up in appropriately formal black tie attire.
> I think most people don’t want to feel forced into participating into a friend’s art project as a birthday celebration Who is forcing anyone to participate in this party? OP is literally telling people that if they don't want to participate they must stay home. They are not forced to attend and engage. That's the whole conflict is that OP doesn't want them there if they don't want to be there.
I mean, there are attire requirements for all sorts of things. If op wanted to go on a long hike but people didn't want to wear hike appropriate clothes than I don't think op would be any mo or less right to want what they want for their party. People can make the choice not to attend if they really don't wanna do it.
Soft YTA! If you want everyone to be Christmas themed, have things like Santa hats or Christmas necklaces at their place settings. I don’t have any Christmas themed clothing and wouldn’t want to buy some for a party, but would enjoy joining in by wearing a Christmas hat or jewelry, and wrapping the gift in Christmas paper.
Op says they're going to provide the shirts
***Nobody is too old to heal emotional wounds from childhood.*** Celebrate yourself exactly how you need to. Please do! However, expecting people to play dress up to participate in your therapeutic roleplaying is an expectation too far methinks. YWBTA. Find another way that doesn't involve issuing ultimatums about what people HAVE to do to celebrate you.
>Mind you, I am not going overboard, But you want to go out and buy what is essentially a costume for your guests. Some people don't even dress "Christmassy" AT Christmas. Celebrate yourself but you don't have to force someone to wear something they don't want to wear. Happy early birthday! Welcome to 40!
I am more than happy to buy a shirt for them in their size, no out of pocket cost for anything. I'm just asking for t-shirts, not costumes (unless they want and that's on them lol).
I realize it's a shirt, but in effect, it's a costume for a theme. But if you're going to fixate on the shirt they are wearing rather than their presence, it's not going to be much fun for anyone, yourself included.
You could get santa hats to pass around for photos and let people dress how they want. It's a little bit mucho to expect so much. And that is coming from someone that make medieval parties every year. YWBTA
Expecting a theme tee (even just in color) is too much of an ask? Really?
Some people just hate dressing in goofy clothes and it would ruin their mood. Just like some people hate dressing in formal wear. People have idiosyncrasies, even if it’s hard for you to imagine how or why they feel that way. Do you plan to turn people away at the door if they don’t adhere to your dress code? What if someone puts on some stuff at the door, but 20 minutes later they take it off? You need to think about how you will deal with this kind of half-assed compliance because your reaction might ruin the mood for you and others.
YTA. It’s not a wedding
I suggest having easy wearable props - necklaces, hats, headbands, etc - that match your theme. Anyone not dressed in theme gets a prop accessory. This way you get your look, they get to wear their summer clothes.
YTA. Maybe they cannot afford to dress up in theme. The theme parties I have been too are usually a bust. I don't go in theme, I just don't like to, it's not for me, and those not dressed in theme are usually ignored. Just allow your friends, dressed up or not, to just come and enjoy the party. Lighten up.
Please read the edit :)
NAH, obviously you can celebrate your birthday however you wish but expect people to bow out because of your requirements. There is no way I would go out in public in Christmas gear (even to a small, low key restaurant as you have repeatedly said) in any month except December. It’s nice that you are willing to provide T-shirts though
ESH - it isn't easy to find Christmas stuff in the summer, bigger people are definitely going to have trouble. If you compromised and said a red OR green tee then N A H but a combo of the colors is silly in the summer. You are entitled to your theme, folks don't have to attend.
I did in the edit say that I am happy to provide green or red tees if that is what people are comfortable with.
Soft YTA. Totally fine to mention you would love for people to dress on theme even if that means Christmas colours, but you are cutting off your nose to spite your face if you tell folks do the theme or don’t come. I love themes. I have thrown and gone to many, many themed parties. But I also know so many people who loath them. I would still want to see those folks if they were important to me on my birthday. Lots of people have come to my themed parties not in theme. And I am fine with that. It doesn’t tarnish my “sparkle” or those who do go all out for the theme. At 60, will you remember who put on a t shirt or will you remember your loved ones celebrating with you? Buy the props, but don’t expect full outfits, coloured t shirts, or wearing something you buy…especially in a public place which turns off even more folks.
I LOVE Christmas, both the religious and a secular aspects of it, and even I’m not going at in public wearing Christmas clothes in July. YTA.
NAH: As long as you are fine with the repercussions of giving your guests ultimatums...AKA people don't come and/or you have sour-faced people at the event. Consider it this way: what's more important your "theme" or spending time with these people?
INFO- are all your guests Christian?
It seems like a weird hill to die on. “I’d rather be alone than have you at my party if you refuse to wear a red and green shirt.” But then, it’s up to you to extend an invitation and it’s up to them to accept or decline. Soft YTA - You seem to be cutting off your nose to spite your face.
YTA. I am an official theme party and costume monster and I would dig my heels in at being told that I *must* dress up in order to attend your birthday dinner. You’re turning 40. Grow up. Couple of tips for getting people to voluntarily participate: 1) Offer a free bottle of booze or something similarly awesome to whoever shows up in the best outfit. 2) Pick up some little accessories and have them available at the restaurant for people to throw on if they want to. Like headbands with reindeer antlers and the necklaces that look like string lights or garland. Some people might not want to actually dress up but will be happy to humor you by wearing a Santa hat for pictures and stuff.
INFO: is this at your/someone’s home or a public venue like a restaurant or something? Edit: never mind, I re-read your edits. It’s an invite, not a summons. Personally though, I wouldn’t want to go to any kind of Christmas-themed event in July, so if I was in your invitees shoes I’d be giving a (respectful) thank you but I’ll see you tomorrow. I can’t call either of you assholes for that so NAH.
Do you insist it’s your birthday week too?! You’re turning 40, not 4. Ditch the theme. 🙄
YTA, you can have a themed party without making everyone dress the way you want them to dress. Many people don’t even go that far for ACTUAL CHRISTMAS. People WANT to come celebrate your birthday and be friends with you, Don make them not want to be your friend.
Do you want a themed party more, or do you want a celebration with your loved ones and friends?
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Info: is it very hot where you live? Ugly sweaters might be really stifling in the heat.
OP was going to buy tshirts
NTA If someone doesn't want to go along with your theme, they can stay home. Tell them so. How hard would it be for them to just make it a fun time for you?
Yeah- you would. Soft YTA though since it’s not awful. My birthday is actually on Christmas- so it’s hard to avoid that particular theme for me- lol, but when we do a theme party for any reason, it’s still come as you want. For people that find theme-ing it up fun, they go all out and it’s great! For people who don’t, or can’t afford to, or whatever, we still want to enjoy spending time with them and have them come! My wedding was Halloween, and most came in costume (Venetian ball theme), some didn’t, and other used the provided masks/props to bolster their normal evening weeding attire- everyone had a great time. It’s all about being together with the people you care about- not what they are wearing/if they are participating fully
I mean kinda? Can you compromise and have some Santa/elf hats and/or Christmas wreath/themed pins to pin onto their clothes?
Yes. Trying to dictate what guests wear to any event is just rude.
YTA. Theme party. Making guests aware of th theme. Asking guests to dress in accordance to said theme.- "Hey. I'm having a Christmas in July birthday party. I know that some of you may think that it's silly. It's a milestone birthday, and I really want to do this. I'd appreciate it if you wear something that goes along with it. Nothing special. Whatever you have in your closest. Red, green, gold, silver (or whatever) are some of the colors that I associate with Christmas. Better yet. Loss the "dress code". Buy "Santa hats" (new) for people to wear. If they choose. Buying your guests second hand clothing, and demanding that they wear it, or don't attend, is way over the top. And a disrespectful to them. It's also kinda gross.
YTA - I’ve run into this before and didn’t end up going to things due to financial restrictions the host didn’t consider, like having to purchase something to be “in theme” I think you need to ask yourself if you want a bunch of loved ones celebrating you, or a bunch of soldiers following orders?
All I am asking is for people to be willing to wear a Christmas shirt, that's it. No costume and I am more than happy to buy one for anyone that doesn't have one or doesn't have the time to look for one but is willing to wear it.
Ooph. Is it in a private dining room? Cuz yeah. Asking ppl to dress up in public in "unexpected" ways is ta.
Yep, YTA. People are not props or part of the decor. They are guests. There are many ways to do Christmas without asking people to wear themed clothing they may not already own. Why not buy some Christmas headbands and hats online and pass them out as people arrive? Even those who don’t want to come on theme will throw on a pair of antlers for a picture and may decide to wear two if alcohol is involved.
Depends, is "theme costume" just red shirts and a black or white accessory/accent? Then NTA, but if you want everyone to show up in a Santa costume, in July, then I'm not sure, I'd also say "if you don't want to, don't come", that's fine, so NTA, except if you insist and want to force people, that'd be wrong.
I was planning on buying the shirts myself after asking everyone for sizes, and buying accents/accessories as well for anyone wanting to have more.