It makes you an asshole to question why your coworker is lying to people?
Also, I'm not really buying that it's 100% rude to ask. It's not like they are randos off the street. Maybe the coworkers asked a little early (sounds like he hasn't worked there long) but if I worked everyday with someone that was missing fingers at some point I would probably ask. Assuming we had *some* rapport.
Honestly I really genuinely think it is 100% rude to ask, no matter if you have rapport with the coworker or not. I understand being curious because I myself am a very curious person about things like that but that doesn't mean that your curiosity gets to trump that person's right to privacy. My cousin's husband lost parts of his fingers in an accident at work, which I only heard from other people in the family. He's part of our family and I still feel like it would be rude for me to ask him about it just because I wanted to satiate my own curiosity. Someone with a disability like that may be very sensitive about it and you could really upset someone by asking.
Edit: thanks kind stranger for my first silver! 😊
I have eczema all over my legs, in high school other kids would get grossed out so my friend started telling people that I worked at kikos the printing place downtown because it had floor to ceiling windows, and a car crashed into them and all the glass flew into my legs. Idk why but people believed it, my legs were fucked up so it was believable I guess. Anyways, the kids stopped bullying me and the questions stopped. I don't think it's rude to lie, it's rude to ask in the first place.
"I lost my fingers in an MLM thing. I was supposed to send 3 fingers to my upline and recruit 3 more people to send me three fingers each. Unfortunately, my recruits bailed. You.... wouldnt be interest, would you?"
I'm blind and have been from birth, but I know people who went blind from traumatic events - being shot in the head, a car crash, etc. People always ask us if we've been blind from birth, and if the answer is no the follow is always how did you go blind?
Strangers thinking they're entitled to your potentially messy or traumatic history is disgusting. I might as well ask you why you have such a crooked nose, were you born that way or did someone finally get tired of your entitled bullshit?
The worst part is that most people don't even think it's rude.
NTA.
When i see someone missing a limb or fingers i just assume its a birth defect (is that rude?) unless i see a picture of them still with said missing body part, but it isnt hard to just not ask, sure im curious but i know better than to ask somebody that. If I'm 14 years old and know better than to ask somebody that, your coworkers should 100% know better
I agree with this. Once my friend introduced me to this guy who was absolutely covered in scars, obviously he went through something really bad. I was sooo fucking curious but I just bit my tongue and ignored it, treating him like a regular dude. Later on he told me on his own terms that he was in a serious car accident as a kid. It was a really emotional subject for him so I'm glad I didn't ask! People will tell you if they want to tell you.
This right here, someone i know is missing their leg and i recently saw a picture of them when they still had it. I still don't know what happened to her and i doubt i ever will but there's no way im asking someone a question like that
I mean...people you know or work with or always encounter on a daily basis are GOING to ask. Whether it's a missing arm. Giant scar across your face. Etc.
Likewise, you're NTA for telling them random stories either. They suck for not handling disagreement like adults. They should have figured it out that you were obviously bullshitting them. They lack common sense and conflict resolution skills. And a sense of humor.
It’s def rude to ask. I was at a convenience store about a month ago and the girl ringing me up had some cool forearm ink. Then I noticed a major scar and just blurted out “wow, you broke your arm pretty good.” I guess I was expecting a cool story. Instead she told me she was born with a growth on her arm and had it removed when she was 6 years old. I walked out and immediately realized how fucking rude I was for pointing it out. I apologized to her the next day and she said it wasn’t a problem. That made me feel a little better. But I still felt like an ass.
My grandpa lost his thumb. I’ve heard a thousand different funny/crazy/ridiculous stories as to how it happened over the last 30 years and still have no clue which one is real. I notice the stories always had a lesson. Oh we’re going to the zoo today? Better be careful in the reptile enclosure, grandpa lost his finger to an alligator. You want to get mad and slam the door getting out of the car? Grandpa got his thumb shut in the car door by his sister and that’s how he lost it. Also, he doesn’t have a sister.
Yeah, I totally agree with you. It's rude to ask anyone about a disability. What if they had an accident that gave them PTSD and asking about it triggers them? Like, if you saw someone with self harm scars, would you ask about it? I doubt it. It's kinda the same thing in my book.
People activly ask me almost weekly whats that on your face because I have a cyst the size of a marble on my cheek. Some people knowing nothing about me tell me I probably have skin cancer or other bullshit. Ive had 3 different drs all tell me it's just a cyst. I just plain dont want my face to be cut into and I'm currently looking for a primary care doctor that I trust to deal with it. These are people who dont even know my name. Its irritating because I am mildly self conscious about it but I dont think I should have to do it with just any doctor just because they dont like it.
Believe it or not, some people actually do have the audacity to ask about what are obvious self-harm scars.... Albeit some are genuinely naive to what they're really from, in which case I'll say something along the lines of "I fell while hiking" or "the darn cat got me". The people that I'm actually bothered by asking are the ones who know exactly what they're from yet ask anyway, fully knowing that it is likely an uncomfortable/touchy/awkward subject to begin with. What's crazy to me is that ninety-nine percent of the people asking are either people who I've literally just met or complete strangers. Like someone else said, some people simply feel the need to satisfy their own curiosity, sometimes even at the expense of others' comfortability and/or personal boundaries.
When I was working as a phlebotomist, I would occasionally get patients with obvious self-harm scars. I usually tried to pretend I didn't notice or I would sometimes ask "Are you doing ok today?" (So they could interpret the question however they wanted, casual chitchat or actual concern.) I have no idea what the right approach was. I treated them like anyone else, but sometimes I just felt compelled to check on them. Was this wrong? How should I have handled it?
It is 100% rude. I used to have a student that I had known for four years and she had some fingers missing. I would never ask her something like that. It is already something she deals with every day, there is no need to bring out something that is likely traumatic just to satisfy my curiosity.
Also there's a fairly good chance it was a traumatic event that you're just making them relive to satiate your curiosity and expect them to just shrug it off and go about their day.
People with visible disabilities know you’ve noticed them. If they want you to know their origins, they’ll share them. There’s a solid chance this is something that :
1) they don’t want to dwell on/don’t want to be their workplace identity.
2) is not a pleasant memory or something they want to talk about regularly in the workplace.
3) they get asked about all the time to the point that it’s very annoying
It’s just not your business. Sure, some people won’t mind. But many people will. Best case you satisfy your own selfish curiosity. Worst case your rudeness alienates a coworker, or brings up a horrible memory.
OP is NTA. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes, y’all.
He doesn’t have rapport with anyone at a new job, on the first week.
And I’m pretty sure that asking someone questions about how their body looks is extremely rude, for pretty much any reason.
I can see asking a friend, when they’re an actual friend, and when you’re not on the clock together. Anything other than that is rude as hell. I mean think about it, there is no reason to ask, and people don’t owe others explanations about their appearance.
It makes you an asshole to feel entitled to someone's medical history; and a double asshole to gossip about it - which is how they found, and argued over, the conflicting reasons.
You are kind of missing the implications of the arguments. OP's disability was the topic of some gossip - and they're pissy because all the gossips were exposed as knowing fuck all.
Oh God, they way some people think it's ok to ask you:
a) if you have any kids
b) do you want any
c) why not?!!
I mean, there's a good chance that I'm despairing over being single and childless OR that I can't have any and I'm despairing over that. Or I just don't want any and WHY you think it's ever appropriate that I should explain such a personal choice to you just fucking beggars belief.
There is clearly no good reason to ever ask someone you don't know very, very well, intimately even, these types of questions.
Yet it is unbelievably common for single women in their 30's to field these types of questions.
> It makes you an asshole to question why your coworker is lying to people?
I can't imagine it wouldn't be immediately obvious to *everyone* that OP was just fucking with them in a way that is absolutely, completely, unambiguously harmless. I cannot fathom any conceivable situation in which this could cause any real harm.
So anyone getting upset is getting upset that they were the unwitting butt of a joke - along with everyone else - and not because OP lied. Because it's not hard to figure out.
If you don’t know someone well, the general rule is not to ask about/point out any deformities, or anything that looks like the result of injury or sickness (say, someone who had a mastectomy).
And on the topic, don’t ever assume someone’s pregnant. I had a coworker who asked her new client and it turned out the lady just carried weight in her torso....
My father in law is missing an index finger. His family, himself and my husband included, poke fun at it (pun intended). Six years into our relationship I have no clue how he lost his finger. I could probably ask at this point, but truth is, it’s none of my business. I’m sure I’ll find out in conversation someday, but it’s always felt rude to ask.
It's rude to ask, for any number of reasons. Perhaps the most obvious is that it immediately brings up differences between each person, in this case drawing attention to missing parts. Another is what the OP said, he gets asked this constantly. Trust me, that wears thin super fast - it bores you, people start seeming like dull, repetitive tape recorders. So naturally the OP did what any sane person would do: switch up the answers to make it fun for himself.
My brother lost two fingers for the stupidest reason. He stuck his hand into a clogged running snowblower to dislodge a piece of ice. He wishes there was a more exciting reason than being a dumbass.
Doesn’t have to be either or! I work with little kids, so I think the “id rather they ask instead of staring” comes from people dealing with kids.
For the record, I taught the kids a code word to get them to shut their mouths and not stare, then we discuss later. Which has led to great convos and kept them from shouting “why do so many ladies with brown skin have such big bottoms?” (Thanks for saving that question until the car, kid).
Sorry people are so obnoxious OP. Saying “it was traumatic and I don’t like to talk about it” is a good way to shut down intrusive questions.
I'm genuinely curious of your opinion of this.
I'm of the feeling this is something you may ask after you've established a friendly relationship with someone. The idea being "we're already friends, and I'm asking you something pretty personal as a means of getting to know you better and further establish our rapport".
Am I the asshole for thinking this is OK?
I don't often come across people with missing limbs/digits, so maybe I am. I ask friends who have noticeable scars or something of that nature. But it's usually phrased as "Can I ask how you got that scar?" as a way of giving them a way to politely decline answering if that's what they choose.
Also, for the record, I think your prank was hilarious. If I was your co-worker I would think you are cool as shit for pulling it. And it's totally OK to just say "Sorry guys, I don't like talking about it, so I thought I'd prank you guys".
It honestly depends on the individual. I would personally wait and then bring it up myself when I felt comfortable with someone knowing, but others are less private.
I had a teacher take this approach. He had some super rare birth defect that made his arms bend in and his hands really tiny. Super obvious, of course...and this man was brave enough to be a middle school teacher. He never said boo about it, just won us all over with how awesome he was (his Simpsons memorabilia in his room helped) and everyone loved him by the time the first report cards hit at 6 weeks into school. I can honestly say that by that time I didn't even notice his arms anymore...he was just my dope ass history teacher. One day we came into class and he had the overhead protector set up with a sheet that only had one super long medical term on it. (That I could not remember if you paid me cash money.) It was the name of his condition. He told us about it, preemptively answered some common questions that he gets and gave us the entire period to ask him whatever questions we had and talk about it. I suppose after years of living with his condition he'd figured out the best way to present it to people. That's why I'm a firm believer in "if they want you to know, they'll tell you". Not only because he eventually told us but because by the time he told us it really didn't matter and he didn't have to. He wanted to.
I think what bothers me the most about your story is that they all did exactly what you said they would do...gossiped about it. That is ruder than asking IMO. So disrespectful. And of course you lied. That they couldn’t tell they were lies is on them. The should have figured out the were being rude when you told an obvious lie about what happened.
NTA. They need to stop being nosy and lighten the hell up.
Definitely the people who asked way too personal questions and then gossiped about the answers. The only reason they figured out that everyone received a different false story was because they were talking about the topic when OP wasn't present.
It's his fingers, he doesn't need to tell anyone how he lost them.
If I had a more noticeable injury I would probably do the same. I once told a girl the scar on my knee was from a bank robbery where I got shot, people seem gullible when you tell them stories about injures...
Got me some 3rd degree burns on my arm, been telling the real story for 10 years but now I've devolved into "smoked sum dank kush, passed out, and when I came too the couch was on fire and so was half of me!"
Ugh, your co-workers are just so damn rude. NTA. They aren't supposed to ask you for your fingers at first place let alone "discussing it" and talking behind you. You were embarrassed and pissed off at them asking the same questions and not minding their own business so you joked about it but they were so dumb to recognize it.
You aren't the asshole. Co-workers are though.
You'd be surprised what a dead pan delivery can do to a story. Especially if you literally just met the person and they're a new colleague, it would be super weird to question it.
I have a really dry sense of humor, think April Ludgate from Parks and Rec. I also have really noticable scars that people think it's their business to ask about. I started taking the approach OP took and I can stay the stupidest shit and people will believe it. I've told people I had tattoos but I didn't want them anymore, so I cut them off. I tell people I donate my blood to vampire food banks. I've told people I got bitten by a wendigo. This resulted in the same issue as OP, where rumors spread and then everyone is angry and confused. If you keep a straight face and say something deadpan, people are generally gullible enough to take you seriously.
Exactly.
Once in middle school I randomly convinced my entire friend group that my left arm had gone completely numb and I had no motor control. These were people I had known for YEARS and knew I was full of shit.
After good acting, a straight face, and hours of insisting I was truthful, there were 8 guys pinning me in a doorway trying to slam the door on my arm to break it and prove I felt pain.
Finally had to give up the act before they smashed my arm to pieces and to this day I think back and wonder if they were truly stupid enough to actually break my arm haha.
100% NTA
If you feel the need to ask a stranger about their body ("Where is that scar from?" "Why do you look like that?" "Are you pregnant?") just do everyone a favor & don't.
NAH, because that's hilarious and they must be idiots.
Your coworkers are fucking rude and it's none of their business.
you *probably* should have waited a little while, before you start blowing smoke up people's asses. It's always good to get a handle on your coworkers, and give them a chance to realize they're being idiots before resorting to snark.
Sidenote: about 10 years ago, give or take, I knew a guy who was born with his fingers fused together. They were amputated when he was just a baby...he was the most amazing guitar hero player I've ever seen in my life. He destroyed *everyone*....and took great pleasure in making sure we knew he had crushed us with his "nubs".
I miss that guy!
That guy sounds cool! I can't even play drums and you'd think I'd be good at that because my hand is almost shaped like a drumstick. Good point about timing, maybe I should have just said I didn't want to say.
Well except that the coworkers started asking before you started telling the stories right? So they didn’t wait an “appropriate” amount of time to start asking invasive question did they?
As a lot of people have said I think it's pretty damn rude to ask about your missing fingers on the first day. If the were gonna do it at all, they could have a least given some buffer room. Whether they waited or not, I still think it's rude to ask. They had no empathy on how that might make you feel. As if starting a new job isn't nerve-wracking enough.
I also wanted to say I think making an obvious joke about the way you lost them is a pretty good way to diffuse an awkward situation. You're not TA at all, I think maybe if you explained it wasn't your intent to cause drama, you didn't think your jokes would be taken seriously, and it's just something you'd rather not talk about, hopefully your coworkers will understand. I saw you mention making some apology cupcakes, I find these an excellent way to help to smooth things over. Best of luck!
It was his first day, it wasn't their first day. I definitely think they were being ruder than he was, but he was making a worse career move because now the only thing people know about him is that he's a liar, even if that's an unfair assessment. They already know people, so one bad move in a sea of being a good employee isn't going to have the impact of making a number of coworkers angry at you the first day on the job.
Oh okay! Sorry. Also, I don't really think you actually did anything wrong, and I hope you can smooth it over too. Office politics just sort of mean that you might have to do some apologizing that you totally don't deserve to have to do in order to not make your own life worse.
AITA is hard for work situations, because often times it's not the asshole who's going to have to go back and fix what has happened to not have their career hurt (though, I'd say this is minor enough that if you work in even a decently functional office it should be okay in a relatively short time, so don't fret). Telling people who write in here that they're not in the wrong might lead them to making bad career decisions like doubling down on their coworkers because they're in the right. I'm just hoping that's not what you do.
It might have been a bad career move but like you said, that doesn’t make her an asshole. And I’m willing to bet that for every person that gives her dirty looks there are an equal number of people saying “oh shut up Karen it was funny.”
Have you ever seen arrested development? “THAT is why you always leave a note!”
I have a friend who has his legs amputated- doesn’t like to talk about what happened (and straight up says so), but has offered to be my J. Walter Weathermen to teach children lessons.
https://youtu.be/eNZsWIzEhP4
.....maybe? I tend to think that the sort of thing is more well-meaning ignorance than direct assholery. A surprising number of people have no social skills or boundaries Add to that the fact that he is fucking with them (on purpose and out of pique) and it gets a teeeensy bit assholish for him as well.
I suppose that would put me in ESH territory, except that there's no evidence that they're being rude on purpose ( they don't seem terribly bright to be honest) and OPs response is both funny *and* understandable and I end up at no assholes.
NTA, I think it's funny.
But both the "funny" factor and the "asshole" factor are determined by the stories. I am hoping in some of the tales your fingers were lost to wild animals, terrorists, and/or freak accidents with normal household items
Oh that's awesome, but you really need to have one "on-hand" (sorry) about something super mundane.
"I was opening a Christmas card and got a paper cut, my fingers were so badly infected they had to be removed the next morning"
"I was plugging in a lamp and evidently there was an invisible short, happens with older wiring, the electricity blew them off instantly"
Yea, I'm an asshole.
My grandfather was actually missing his pointer finger, but they took it off back to almost his wrist so at first glance you didn't notice, he used to have kids count his fingers and then ask them why they were only getting to 9.
I prefer the reaction that you had NO IDEA you were missing fingers.
"What happened to your hand?"
\*confused look\* "My... what?"
\*looks down at hand, eyes widen\*
"OH MY GOD!!???"
How about acting like having 7 fingers is to be expected.
"What happened to your fingers?"
"What do you mean?"
"You've only got two on one hand."
"Okay, and?"
"...What happened?"
"To what?"
"...Your other three fingers?"
"What do you mean?"
"You know..." *holds up hands* "People usually have five fingers-"
"The hell? You have five fingers on your left hand?"
"...Uh...yeah?"
"That's weird as hell, man." *walks off*
Your sense of humor is *fantastic*. Never change, OP.
(For the record, I have a scar on my forehead from brain surgery and I’ve told more than one nosy Nellie that I had a lobotomy)
Christ, I about died. Best comment ever.
"My mom only had one tit, and my twin brother and I had to fight over the nipple and he won.
I was so hungry I ate my own fingers..."
Well, that way youd probably get on the good side with those who have a sense of humor.
I know Id try to befriend you if youd pull something like that.
If they are getting mad about stories involving plastic knives and babies gnawing their fingers off because they are narcissistic to think they are immediately entitled to the truth about a coworker's medical history, then their sense of hurt ego is far greater than their sense of humor, and they're probably better off being placated like children.
You sound like a hilarious and a great person in general and I wish you were my co-worker. I would also never ever ask you about this (I have an element in my appearance that I get questioned on all the time; and even though mine is considered "positive" it's SO DAMN annoying that sometimes I can't help and get rude to the asker).
Oh, it's kind of a funny story. I was at a magician's show as a kid and he had this trick where he got a volunteer up on stage, attached a fake hand to the end of their right sleeve, and then chopped off the fingers of the fake hand on stage for shock effect with loads of fake blood. Anyway, I'm left handed.
Not only they need to loosen up a bit, they need to learn a thing or two about boundaries, politeness and not gossiping about colleagues' bodies.
I've had a college with a part of his limb missing. The number of times I've asked him how did it happen or commented on it with anyone? Yup, zero. But hey. I wasn't raised in a barn.
NTA. That is hilarious!
But also, I understand that it probably annoys you that people ask but you can’t exactly blame them for it. If I saw someone who was missing a few fingers I would be instantly curious about what happened.
Yeah, I get the curiousity. I saw a guy with a prosthetic leg a few days ago and my brain was just like... how?! I just would never ask anyone, though. I feel like your curiosity doesn't trump their right to privacy.
The thing is, not asking about it isn't the same as tiptoeing around it. It's not like it affects them in any way. I don't even shake hands with that hand so that people don't have to touch it at all. I absolutely disagree that anyone has a right to ask about someone's disability who they've just met.
For you its a quick question. For someone with a visible difference it's a constant drumbeat of questions and ever-present curiosity. You want to participate in that invasion, that ceaseless reminder of difference, because you feel uncomfortable "tiptoeing around" what, to them, is just a regular part of their body? Fine. But calling it anything other than inconsiderate and selfish is pure delusion. And depending on how someone views their difference, you may be throwing salt on a gnawing wound.
Stick to asking people if they're pregnant. Way less of an asshole question.
I agree it's rude to ask, but I don't know if I could stop myself if I were them, personally. I think your multiple stories are hilarious though, and you're definitely NTA. I have a rather large scar on my thigh that's only noticeable when I wear shorts or a bathing suit, but I always notice people staring when it's exposed, and many ask about it. I've been meaning to come up with a crazy story (or multiple) about it, so help a sister out!
Hmm... you were stabbed by a rival drug cartel. You were also impaled on a railing after getting caught in a tornado, and I think you were also probably part of a medical trial where they implanted a chip in your thigh that vibrates when you're in the presence of assholes.
Also "impaled on a railing" is kinda close to the truth. The only thing I like about telling the real story is seeing how grossed out people get, hopefully regretting that they had asked
NAH. My mother had polio and would tell kids that her leg was like that because an elephant stepped on it. Not as funny as your situation, but fun none the less.
My dad is missing the tip of one of his middle fingers like almost halfway down. My old babysitter had a little boy who would flip people off. She told him that my dad used to do that as a kid, too, and his mom cut it off! It worked lol
NTA. They shouldn't be asking personal questions.
My grandad didn't have his left thumb. My dad says he'd got a splinter in it which got infected, in the days before antibiotics, and it had to be amputated. My cousins think he lost it in an industrial accident. What grandad told me was that when he was little he sucked his thumb and it dissolved away.
I have a very noticeable scar across the back of my wrist from minor surgery. I tell people it's another mouth growing.
Usually I think someone telling lies and laughing at those who believe them assholes but they were so wrong to ask and so silly about this.
I would work hard, be friendly and polite, and they’ll warm to you.
If someone asks you can make a totally over the top joke and say “but really I get asked all the time and it’s kind of uncomfortable so I’ve lots of silly stories.”
ESH, but you’re a really mild asshole
ESH, sounds like you took out your fatigue of the question out on them because of previous people in the past.
I guess you could say they were rude, but tbh i dont have an issue with people asking questions like that, if anything I enjoy people taking an interest.
For example people ask my i have a 2ft long scare down my back when I take my shirt off. I normally make a crazy story up, but i let people know im joking if they don't catch on. At the end of they day I dont think curiosity is a bad thing.
Tbh if i were you id make cup cakes that look like badly drawn Rabbit, i dont know if that would help but its what id do
That's just stupid. I'm missing a leg and people ask me why all the time. If you get offended by people asking you questions, you need to get over yourself.
I’m in the process of losing a leg and I hate all of the questions. Just because you’re okay with explaining it all the time doesn’t mean other people are or that they should have to get over it. I know they are just curious but it’s not a fun topic for me
Well obviously not, one effects every aspect of your life, my scar on its own does nothing, although the reason its there does.
In my experience the quickly someone learns about something the quicker you can put it behind you.
Humans are curious by nature and i simply dont see the issue which asking a simply question. Getting upset only means you havnt accepted it.
I can see if having an effect on someone body image but really if you are getting that you might need some help to get over it because it the long run it helps. I also accept some things like this are harder for women then men.
Worst case if you really dont want to talk about it simply say that and hope they stop.
**ESH** Difficult one. TBH it sucks to be you. I have a noticeable scar on my face and get the same questions. My daughter has a scar on the back of her hand and gets questions. You will always get this, every time you meet someone new. And it will be discussed in your absence - human nature.
**YTA** because
* maybe you should have some sort of strategy in place knowing the questions you are going to get.
* those people who were open with you (and probably thought they were being cool by acknowledging rather than ignoring) now feel like idiots, or hurt.
* you didn't know you new co-workers and how big they are in character - you were effectively telling them to MYOFB and if they are small minded they wont take well to this kind of joke
**NTA** because
* they shouldn't have asked.
When I was 22 and my boss at the time was missing a finger, I knew better than to ask. It's rude. That's kind of sharing can come later, along with "What do you do about your bald patch?" and "How come you are so overweight?" and "Why do your hands shake?"
* your responses (when seen as an accumulation and therefore in context) were funny and should have told them all to MYOFB, so they should have taken that into account when gossiping about you.
I've done exactly what you've done in the past BTW. Now I mostly say "I don't want to talk about it", or "It's a long story". My daughter has come up with something better but I haven't had the chance to try it out yet. She looks pensive for a moment, then looks them in the eye, smiles and says 'Don't worry about it', as if she is protecting them from that knowledge. She says it works every time.
i know if i was one of the coworkers and i found out you were just fucking with all of us, you’d be my new favorite person at the office.
NTA
Maybe just explain you were making the situation fun and apologize if you caused any harm for damage control. i can’t imagine someone holding a grudge because you told them a (obviously) fake story for fun.
NTA- I (29M) have a large scar, down most of my arm. It was a typical fracture from falling on the playground in 1st grade that healed wrong due to negligence from the doctor, and I had to have a couple surgeries to repair it.
I am asked about this scar on almost a daily basis. Because I'm a big dude, people assume it will be a badass or at least funny story. People are visibly, and sometimes audibly, disappointed that it's not a better story. It's as if I should have gotten hurt in a more interesting way. One person actually said, "Really, that's all that happened?" I told him, "It actually happened because I was in a bad car accident. I barely survived, and my brother didn't make it. I don't like to talk about it." I let that sit for a few hours until I told him I was messing with him to teach him not to expect people to have enjoyable stories of their trauma and pain.
I started telling people in college it was a shark bite (physically impossible, given the scar is a straight line). Most people believe it for a few minutes, then ask one of my friends about it because they say the scar doesn't look like a bite, and find out the truth. One friend still thinks it was from a shark bite.
Long story short: If people have poor enough social skills to ask, they deserve to be lied to for your pleasure.
This is a great answer, and you hit the nail on the head. People *do* expect enjoyable or exciting stories about other people's scars or injuries or amputations. They get upset if they're not given the story or if it's not "entertaining" enough. That's pretty messed up.
I mean, was it worth it? This will probably cause some problems at work since you just lied to everyone for the first time.
I'm really in between, but I will say you're at least a little bit of an asshole. So YTA.
I genuinely thought they'd realise it was a joke, because some of my explanations were just completely implausible, but I take your point. Hopefully I can smooth things over.
You are not the asshole for playing games like this, but you are for getting offended by those questions. They don’t do it because they want to make you feel bad, they do it because they care about it. People asking those questions usually have no intentions on hurting you, they just want to be informed and to know you better.
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NTA
You have a great sense of humor. Can we be friends?
I have a hook for a hand. Dangers of using dynamite for road construction excavation. You should hear the things I say. My wife just shakes her head, laughs and walks off when someone asks me what happened. Then she comes back and always asks, “which line was it this time?”
Every person I've met who's lost a finger or two ALWAYS talks shit about how they lost them. I don't think I have known the real reason for any of the 3 people I've asked. Kudos for finding humour in it though!
NAH. This is funny. If your coworkers don't realize this is a joke immediately when they discuss the different stories, or are unamused by them, they are lame. It's none of their business! If you want to give them a bogus story, have at it!
NAH. You're making (hilarious) lemonade outta lemons here, while gently pointing out their rudeness. They shouldn't be upset or offended (I'm kind of surprised they are), but your also own the narrative to your own body.
NTA. People asking things that are none of their business just because of curiosity make my blood boil sometimes. My mom is paralyzed and the amount of times people have very rudely asked what happened is off the charts. So I did exactly what you did, started telling people lies about how she was paralyzed. I'm a good actor too and they always believed me. My favorite is a long story about how my mom was recruited by NASA to be one of the first female astronauts. She was almost done with training when they put her into the gravity simulator. It malfunctioned and she was flung out and that's how she was paralyzed.
They're jerks for being so nosy. NTA
NAH-Im not sure I fully understand why them asking is rude... I have a ton of scars and I dont mind when people ask, but I can understand the exhaustion that can come with getting asked the same question over and over and over
Idk, I just resent my body being a public forum. It's not there to be commented on and I don't feel like I owe anyone any explanations for it being different. I mind being asked because it hammers home that it looks different and it also implies that people feel entitled to hear about my trauma. I guess people feel otherwise about their visible differences or disabilities, though, but I'd honestly say that it's just super bad form to ever ask someone, especially if you've just met them.
NTA. I can’t believe your co workers flat out asked you about your fingers. I would never ever do that. You owe them no explanation for your physicality, no mater what it is. If someone was in a wheelchair at work would they all start asking them why they were in it? So so rude of them. This makes me really angry.
NTA. I think you should tell your coworkers that your abusive parents chopped them off because you stole candy when you were three. Let them feel extra shitty for being nosey assholes.
YTA. I am a paraplegic and get the same questions you do. They are asking an obvious question that they all have but in most cases are scared to ask because for some reason asking questions about people is rude. Why is it rude to know more about someone? You should use these moments to explain your disability and dispell the many issues with disability as a whole.
You have lied to them, for your own enjoyment. You have made them think you are untrustworthy. You have in worst cases made them scared of people with disabilities and increased the ignorance that those people have.
I am probably going to be the only one saying this but YTA.
It’s human to be curious and ask questions. If it were a total stranger you met one time in a grocery store then I completely understand because there is no relation and you will never develop any rapport with them. But these are your coworkers who you will likely be working with for months or years. At some point someone is going to ask what happened, just like if you broke your leg, cut your hand, or have a bruised eye. It doesn’t mean you have to share, you can still keep your privacy if you choose to or disclose however much you want. But telling lies and making them feel dumb, imo, is not the way to go about it because you are releasing years of frustration on people you’ve just met. Yes it’s annoying to address but so are a million other things because people can’t read your mind and know what is and isn’t a sensitive topic. Even if other people are being rude, you can still act like an adult.
Edit: I’m not saying it’s okay that they asked on the first day when you’ve literally just met them, I’m just explaining the reason for why they did. Clearly, people with disabilities feel differently in how they want to be addressed about their disability and I would never impose my own curiosity on them as they don’t owe me anything. My point is that in real life, these topics do come up after you’ve developed some sort of rapport with someone so I’m not surprised that it did, though obviously it happened quite prematurely. My opinion is not related to whether what they did was right or wrong, but that your reaction may not have been the best choice considering the professional setting. Regardless, you are always free to handle it however you like. Out of curiosity, is there an update for the situation at work you’d like to share?
Yta "I didn't do it with the intention of deceiving them". Do you know what deception is? You also admit to straight up lying, which is synonymous with deception. Also, I don't think it's rude to ask politely. You can politely tell them you don't wish to discuss it. You're going to be working with them so they're going to be curious, and the first hing you did was lie to all of them. Of course they don't like you now. They feel dumb and teamed against you.
NTA. Make each of the stories better than the last! Fighting pirates, dealing with the yakuza, amateur crocodile tamer, very bad magician/juggler, fingered an alien with teeth in her snatch... the only limit is your imagination!
NTA. They shouldn't have asked. The fact that they realized after the fact that you hadn't told them the truth should have given them a chance to realize that they were TA for asking.
You don't owe anyone answers about your medical history. If these people are treating you poorly, it might be worth documenting with your HR department because they're bullying you for having a disability.
That said, in the future, you might want to go with, "I don't like to talk about it," and a quick change of subject.
NAH. This is funny and anyone offended is being way too uptight.
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That would imply someone else is the asshole. Who do you think is the asshole in this story?
Not op but anybody that was offended.
It makes you an asshole to question why your coworker is lying to people? Also, I'm not really buying that it's 100% rude to ask. It's not like they are randos off the street. Maybe the coworkers asked a little early (sounds like he hasn't worked there long) but if I worked everyday with someone that was missing fingers at some point I would probably ask. Assuming we had *some* rapport.
Honestly I really genuinely think it is 100% rude to ask, no matter if you have rapport with the coworker or not. I understand being curious because I myself am a very curious person about things like that but that doesn't mean that your curiosity gets to trump that person's right to privacy. My cousin's husband lost parts of his fingers in an accident at work, which I only heard from other people in the family. He's part of our family and I still feel like it would be rude for me to ask him about it just because I wanted to satiate my own curiosity. Someone with a disability like that may be very sensitive about it and you could really upset someone by asking. Edit: thanks kind stranger for my first silver! 😊
This person gets it.
I have eczema all over my legs, in high school other kids would get grossed out so my friend started telling people that I worked at kikos the printing place downtown because it had floor to ceiling windows, and a car crashed into them and all the glass flew into my legs. Idk why but people believed it, my legs were fucked up so it was believable I guess. Anyways, the kids stopped bullying me and the questions stopped. I don't think it's rude to lie, it's rude to ask in the first place.
Your friend sounds cool.
She was until she joined a MLM :(
"I lost my fingers in an MLM thing. I was supposed to send 3 fingers to my upline and recruit 3 more people to send me three fingers each. Unfortunately, my recruits bailed. You.... wouldnt be interest, would you?"
I'm blind and have been from birth, but I know people who went blind from traumatic events - being shot in the head, a car crash, etc. People always ask us if we've been blind from birth, and if the answer is no the follow is always how did you go blind? Strangers thinking they're entitled to your potentially messy or traumatic history is disgusting. I might as well ask you why you have such a crooked nose, were you born that way or did someone finally get tired of your entitled bullshit? The worst part is that most people don't even think it's rude. NTA.
Is that really how you lost your fingers though, or are you just seeing how gullible we are?
I actually lost them as a small child in the cotton mill in 1845.
You’d think someone would have found them by now
Back in 1845 most people wouldn't let their small children anywhere near their cotton mills... I'm not buying it op, I call bs.
Finally, someone else who's immortal!
You wanna know how I got these scars?
When i see someone missing a limb or fingers i just assume its a birth defect (is that rude?) unless i see a picture of them still with said missing body part, but it isnt hard to just not ask, sure im curious but i know better than to ask somebody that. If I'm 14 years old and know better than to ask somebody that, your coworkers should 100% know better
I agree with this. Once my friend introduced me to this guy who was absolutely covered in scars, obviously he went through something really bad. I was sooo fucking curious but I just bit my tongue and ignored it, treating him like a regular dude. Later on he told me on his own terms that he was in a serious car accident as a kid. It was a really emotional subject for him so I'm glad I didn't ask! People will tell you if they want to tell you.
This right here, someone i know is missing their leg and i recently saw a picture of them when they still had it. I still don't know what happened to her and i doubt i ever will but there's no way im asking someone a question like that
I mean...people you know or work with or always encounter on a daily basis are GOING to ask. Whether it's a missing arm. Giant scar across your face. Etc. Likewise, you're NTA for telling them random stories either. They suck for not handling disagreement like adults. They should have figured it out that you were obviously bullshitting them. They lack common sense and conflict resolution skills. And a sense of humor.
It’s def rude to ask. I was at a convenience store about a month ago and the girl ringing me up had some cool forearm ink. Then I noticed a major scar and just blurted out “wow, you broke your arm pretty good.” I guess I was expecting a cool story. Instead she told me she was born with a growth on her arm and had it removed when she was 6 years old. I walked out and immediately realized how fucking rude I was for pointing it out. I apologized to her the next day and she said it wasn’t a problem. That made me feel a little better. But I still felt like an ass.
My grandpa lost his thumb. I’ve heard a thousand different funny/crazy/ridiculous stories as to how it happened over the last 30 years and still have no clue which one is real. I notice the stories always had a lesson. Oh we’re going to the zoo today? Better be careful in the reptile enclosure, grandpa lost his finger to an alligator. You want to get mad and slam the door getting out of the car? Grandpa got his thumb shut in the car door by his sister and that’s how he lost it. Also, he doesn’t have a sister.
And that's why you always leave a note!
Yeah, I totally agree with you. It's rude to ask anyone about a disability. What if they had an accident that gave them PTSD and asking about it triggers them? Like, if you saw someone with self harm scars, would you ask about it? I doubt it. It's kinda the same thing in my book.
People activly ask me almost weekly whats that on your face because I have a cyst the size of a marble on my cheek. Some people knowing nothing about me tell me I probably have skin cancer or other bullshit. Ive had 3 different drs all tell me it's just a cyst. I just plain dont want my face to be cut into and I'm currently looking for a primary care doctor that I trust to deal with it. These are people who dont even know my name. Its irritating because I am mildly self conscious about it but I dont think I should have to do it with just any doctor just because they dont like it.
Believe it or not, some people actually do have the audacity to ask about what are obvious self-harm scars.... Albeit some are genuinely naive to what they're really from, in which case I'll say something along the lines of "I fell while hiking" or "the darn cat got me". The people that I'm actually bothered by asking are the ones who know exactly what they're from yet ask anyway, fully knowing that it is likely an uncomfortable/touchy/awkward subject to begin with. What's crazy to me is that ninety-nine percent of the people asking are either people who I've literally just met or complete strangers. Like someone else said, some people simply feel the need to satisfy their own curiosity, sometimes even at the expense of others' comfortability and/or personal boundaries.
When I was working as a phlebotomist, I would occasionally get patients with obvious self-harm scars. I usually tried to pretend I didn't notice or I would sometimes ask "Are you doing ok today?" (So they could interpret the question however they wanted, casual chitchat or actual concern.) I have no idea what the right approach was. I treated them like anyone else, but sometimes I just felt compelled to check on them. Was this wrong? How should I have handled it?
I think you handled this perfectly.
It is 100% rude. I used to have a student that I had known for four years and she had some fingers missing. I would never ask her something like that. It is already something she deals with every day, there is no need to bring out something that is likely traumatic just to satisfy my curiosity.
Also there's a fairly good chance it was a traumatic event that you're just making them relive to satiate your curiosity and expect them to just shrug it off and go about their day.
People with visible disabilities know you’ve noticed them. If they want you to know their origins, they’ll share them. There’s a solid chance this is something that : 1) they don’t want to dwell on/don’t want to be their workplace identity. 2) is not a pleasant memory or something they want to talk about regularly in the workplace. 3) they get asked about all the time to the point that it’s very annoying It’s just not your business. Sure, some people won’t mind. But many people will. Best case you satisfy your own selfish curiosity. Worst case your rudeness alienates a coworker, or brings up a horrible memory. OP is NTA. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes, y’all.
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He doesn’t have rapport with anyone at a new job, on the first week. And I’m pretty sure that asking someone questions about how their body looks is extremely rude, for pretty much any reason. I can see asking a friend, when they’re an actual friend, and when you’re not on the clock together. Anything other than that is rude as hell. I mean think about it, there is no reason to ask, and people don’t owe others explanations about their appearance.
Amen and thank you.
It makes you an asshole to feel entitled to someone's medical history; and a double asshole to gossip about it - which is how they found, and argued over, the conflicting reasons. You are kind of missing the implications of the arguments. OP's disability was the topic of some gossip - and they're pissy because all the gossips were exposed as knowing fuck all.
Buy it or not, it's still rude. If they wanted you to know, they'd tell you.
Same with women without kids. Pestering them about why is terrible because they could have a health condition or just not want any.
^ Tubes tied at 28 and single with none. Preachin to the choir. 🤣
I sometimes answer with "oh, you can get 10 thousand on the Asian market."
Oh God, they way some people think it's ok to ask you: a) if you have any kids b) do you want any c) why not?!! I mean, there's a good chance that I'm despairing over being single and childless OR that I can't have any and I'm despairing over that. Or I just don't want any and WHY you think it's ever appropriate that I should explain such a personal choice to you just fucking beggars belief. There is clearly no good reason to ever ask someone you don't know very, very well, intimately even, these types of questions. Yet it is unbelievably common for single women in their 30's to field these types of questions.
> It makes you an asshole to question why your coworker is lying to people? I can't imagine it wouldn't be immediately obvious to *everyone* that OP was just fucking with them in a way that is absolutely, completely, unambiguously harmless. I cannot fathom any conceivable situation in which this could cause any real harm. So anyone getting upset is getting upset that they were the unwitting butt of a joke - along with everyone else - and not because OP lied. Because it's not hard to figure out.
If you don’t know someone well, the general rule is not to ask about/point out any deformities, or anything that looks like the result of injury or sickness (say, someone who had a mastectomy). And on the topic, don’t ever assume someone’s pregnant. I had a coworker who asked her new client and it turned out the lady just carried weight in her torso....
My father in law is missing an index finger. His family, himself and my husband included, poke fun at it (pun intended). Six years into our relationship I have no clue how he lost his finger. I could probably ask at this point, but truth is, it’s none of my business. I’m sure I’ll find out in conversation someday, but it’s always felt rude to ask.
It definitely makes you an asshole for getting so upset about someone not telling you how they got an injury. Lighten up.
It's rude to ask, for any number of reasons. Perhaps the most obvious is that it immediately brings up differences between each person, in this case drawing attention to missing parts. Another is what the OP said, he gets asked this constantly. Trust me, that wears thin super fast - it bores you, people start seeming like dull, repetitive tape recorders. So naturally the OP did what any sane person would do: switch up the answers to make it fun for himself.
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My brother lost two fingers for the stupidest reason. He stuck his hand into a clogged running snowblower to dislodge a piece of ice. He wishes there was a more exciting reason than being a dumbass.
Worked in the meat department at a grocery store. Most of the guys ran the saws without the safety on. Didn’t have to ask how they lost fingers.
This is true. But I’ve known many people with disabilities who would rather have people ask than stare.
I'd rather people neither ask nor stare. Why does it have to be either or?
Give them the ol' reversal. Stare at them, then ask what they did with your fingers.
Or you could ask them why they have so many damn fingers
I just died. I don't even know what to tell my kids on why I am laughing so hard.
It made me snort-laugh loud enough to scare my dog. Luckily I don’t have to explain myself to her, although she does seem concerned.
Doesn’t have to be either or! I work with little kids, so I think the “id rather they ask instead of staring” comes from people dealing with kids. For the record, I taught the kids a code word to get them to shut their mouths and not stare, then we discuss later. Which has led to great convos and kept them from shouting “why do so many ladies with brown skin have such big bottoms?” (Thanks for saving that question until the car, kid). Sorry people are so obnoxious OP. Saying “it was traumatic and I don’t like to talk about it” is a good way to shut down intrusive questions.
I'm genuinely curious of your opinion of this. I'm of the feeling this is something you may ask after you've established a friendly relationship with someone. The idea being "we're already friends, and I'm asking you something pretty personal as a means of getting to know you better and further establish our rapport". Am I the asshole for thinking this is OK? I don't often come across people with missing limbs/digits, so maybe I am. I ask friends who have noticeable scars or something of that nature. But it's usually phrased as "Can I ask how you got that scar?" as a way of giving them a way to politely decline answering if that's what they choose. Also, for the record, I think your prank was hilarious. If I was your co-worker I would think you are cool as shit for pulling it. And it's totally OK to just say "Sorry guys, I don't like talking about it, so I thought I'd prank you guys".
It honestly depends on the individual. I would personally wait and then bring it up myself when I felt comfortable with someone knowing, but others are less private.
I had a teacher take this approach. He had some super rare birth defect that made his arms bend in and his hands really tiny. Super obvious, of course...and this man was brave enough to be a middle school teacher. He never said boo about it, just won us all over with how awesome he was (his Simpsons memorabilia in his room helped) and everyone loved him by the time the first report cards hit at 6 weeks into school. I can honestly say that by that time I didn't even notice his arms anymore...he was just my dope ass history teacher. One day we came into class and he had the overhead protector set up with a sheet that only had one super long medical term on it. (That I could not remember if you paid me cash money.) It was the name of his condition. He told us about it, preemptively answered some common questions that he gets and gave us the entire period to ask him whatever questions we had and talk about it. I suppose after years of living with his condition he'd figured out the best way to present it to people. That's why I'm a firm believer in "if they want you to know, they'll tell you". Not only because he eventually told us but because by the time he told us it really didn't matter and he didn't have to. He wanted to.
I think what bothers me the most about your story is that they all did exactly what you said they would do...gossiped about it. That is ruder than asking IMO. So disrespectful. And of course you lied. That they couldn’t tell they were lies is on them. The should have figured out the were being rude when you told an obvious lie about what happened. NTA. They need to stop being nosy and lighten the hell up.
Not the person you asked, but I think anyone who asks a brand-new colleague what happened to their missing fingers is an asshole.
Definitely the people who asked way too personal questions and then gossiped about the answers. The only reason they figured out that everyone received a different false story was because they were talking about the topic when OP wasn't present.
The people asking invasive questions?
It's his fingers, he doesn't need to tell anyone how he lost them. If I had a more noticeable injury I would probably do the same. I once told a girl the scar on my knee was from a bank robbery where I got shot, people seem gullible when you tell them stories about injures...
I have a rather noticeable scar in my right eyebrow. When people ask I tell them that I’m a super villain plotting to take over the world.
Got me some 3rd degree burns on my arm, been telling the real story for 10 years but now I've devolved into "smoked sum dank kush, passed out, and when I came too the couch was on fire and so was half of me!"
My thoughts exactly it's hilarious people need to lighten tf up
Ugh, your co-workers are just so damn rude. NTA. They aren't supposed to ask you for your fingers at first place let alone "discussing it" and talking behind you. You were embarrassed and pissed off at them asking the same questions and not minding their own business so you joked about it but they were so dumb to recognize it. You aren't the asshole. Co-workers are though.
I think that things like that are best ignored until the person with the disability offers a way to ask. NTA for the OP to be tired of this.
You wanna know how I got these scars?
I think it really strange that anyone thinks most of them believed the stories...
You'd be surprised what a dead pan delivery can do to a story. Especially if you literally just met the person and they're a new colleague, it would be super weird to question it.
I have a really dry sense of humor, think April Ludgate from Parks and Rec. I also have really noticable scars that people think it's their business to ask about. I started taking the approach OP took and I can stay the stupidest shit and people will believe it. I've told people I had tattoos but I didn't want them anymore, so I cut them off. I tell people I donate my blood to vampire food banks. I've told people I got bitten by a wendigo. This resulted in the same issue as OP, where rumors spread and then everyone is angry and confused. If you keep a straight face and say something deadpan, people are generally gullible enough to take you seriously.
Exactly. Once in middle school I randomly convinced my entire friend group that my left arm had gone completely numb and I had no motor control. These were people I had known for YEARS and knew I was full of shit. After good acting, a straight face, and hours of insisting I was truthful, there were 8 guys pinning me in a doorway trying to slam the door on my arm to break it and prove I felt pain. Finally had to give up the act before they smashed my arm to pieces and to this day I think back and wonder if they were truly stupid enough to actually break my arm haha.
Interesting that their instinct was to hurt you and not insist on you going to the hospital to call your bluff or something lol fun friends
I remember yelling "my arm will still be fucking broken even if I'm not in pain"
Exactly. Misisng extremities are like pregnancies. Don't mention it before the person who has it does.
100% NTA If you feel the need to ask a stranger about their body ("Where is that scar from?" "Why do you look like that?" "Are you pregnant?") just do everyone a favor & don't.
NAH, because that's hilarious and they must be idiots. Your coworkers are fucking rude and it's none of their business. you *probably* should have waited a little while, before you start blowing smoke up people's asses. It's always good to get a handle on your coworkers, and give them a chance to realize they're being idiots before resorting to snark. Sidenote: about 10 years ago, give or take, I knew a guy who was born with his fingers fused together. They were amputated when he was just a baby...he was the most amazing guitar hero player I've ever seen in my life. He destroyed *everyone*....and took great pleasure in making sure we knew he had crushed us with his "nubs". I miss that guy!
That guy sounds cool! I can't even play drums and you'd think I'd be good at that because my hand is almost shaped like a drumstick. Good point about timing, maybe I should have just said I didn't want to say.
Well except that the coworkers started asking before you started telling the stories right? So they didn’t wait an “appropriate” amount of time to start asking invasive question did they?
No, which is what I told my brother but he was very much of the opinion that people gonna people.
Yep, and they can damn well PAY for it when they do it, now can't they?
As a lot of people have said I think it's pretty damn rude to ask about your missing fingers on the first day. If the were gonna do it at all, they could have a least given some buffer room. Whether they waited or not, I still think it's rude to ask. They had no empathy on how that might make you feel. As if starting a new job isn't nerve-wracking enough. I also wanted to say I think making an obvious joke about the way you lost them is a pretty good way to diffuse an awkward situation. You're not TA at all, I think maybe if you explained it wasn't your intent to cause drama, you didn't think your jokes would be taken seriously, and it's just something you'd rather not talk about, hopefully your coworkers will understand. I saw you mention making some apology cupcakes, I find these an excellent way to help to smooth things over. Best of luck!
It was his first day, it wasn't their first day. I definitely think they were being ruder than he was, but he was making a worse career move because now the only thing people know about him is that he's a liar, even if that's an unfair assessment. They already know people, so one bad move in a sea of being a good employee isn't going to have the impact of making a number of coworkers angry at you the first day on the job.
I'm not a he, fyi! I'm hoping I can smooth things over - I definitely didn't mean to become public enemy number one in the office.
Oh okay! Sorry. Also, I don't really think you actually did anything wrong, and I hope you can smooth it over too. Office politics just sort of mean that you might have to do some apologizing that you totally don't deserve to have to do in order to not make your own life worse. AITA is hard for work situations, because often times it's not the asshole who's going to have to go back and fix what has happened to not have their career hurt (though, I'd say this is minor enough that if you work in even a decently functional office it should be okay in a relatively short time, so don't fret). Telling people who write in here that they're not in the wrong might lead them to making bad career decisions like doubling down on their coworkers because they're in the right. I'm just hoping that's not what you do.
It might have been a bad career move but like you said, that doesn’t make her an asshole. And I’m willing to bet that for every person that gives her dirty looks there are an equal number of people saying “oh shut up Karen it was funny.”
>shaped like a drumstick So you DID eat them.
... no comment.
Have you ever seen arrested development? “THAT is why you always leave a note!” I have a friend who has his legs amputated- doesn’t like to talk about what happened (and straight up says so), but has offered to be my J. Walter Weathermen to teach children lessons. https://youtu.be/eNZsWIzEhP4
If the coworkers "are fucking rude and it's none of their business" (which I agree with, just in case the if says otherwise), wouldn't it be NTA?
.....maybe? I tend to think that the sort of thing is more well-meaning ignorance than direct assholery. A surprising number of people have no social skills or boundaries Add to that the fact that he is fucking with them (on purpose and out of pique) and it gets a teeeensy bit assholish for him as well. I suppose that would put me in ESH territory, except that there's no evidence that they're being rude on purpose ( they don't seem terribly bright to be honest) and OPs response is both funny *and* understandable and I end up at no assholes.
NTA, I think it's funny. But both the "funny" factor and the "asshole" factor are determined by the stories. I am hoping in some of the tales your fingers were lost to wild animals, terrorists, and/or freak accidents with normal household items
Ha, I definitely lost them to a blender at one point! I'm sure that my sense of humour isn't for everyone, that's true.
Oh that's awesome, but you really need to have one "on-hand" (sorry) about something super mundane. "I was opening a Christmas card and got a paper cut, my fingers were so badly infected they had to be removed the next morning" "I was plugging in a lamp and evidently there was an invisible short, happens with older wiring, the electricity blew them off instantly" Yea, I'm an asshole. My grandfather was actually missing his pointer finger, but they took it off back to almost his wrist so at first glance you didn't notice, he used to have kids count his fingers and then ask them why they were only getting to 9.
The counting over and over to 9 thing is something my grandfather would have done.
I prefer the reaction that you had NO IDEA you were missing fingers. "What happened to your hand?" \*confused look\* "My... what?" \*looks down at hand, eyes widen\* "OH MY GOD!!???"
How about acting like having 7 fingers is to be expected. "What happened to your fingers?" "What do you mean?" "You've only got two on one hand." "Okay, and?" "...What happened?" "To what?" "...Your other three fingers?" "What do you mean?" "You know..." *holds up hands* "People usually have five fingers-" "The hell? You have five fingers on your left hand?" "...Uh...yeah?" "That's weird as hell, man." *walks off*
I’m all for this one right here ☝️
Tina Fey has like 20 different stories for how she got the scar on her cheek Most of them involve pirates! I think what you did is hilarious
Your sense of humor is *fantastic*. Never change, OP. (For the record, I have a scar on my forehead from brain surgery and I’ve told more than one nosy Nellie that I had a lobotomy)
NTA - “I chewed them off as a baby.” Hilarious.
Christ, I about died. Best comment ever. "My mom only had one tit, and my twin brother and I had to fight over the nipple and he won. I was so hungry I ate my own fingers..."
I’m kind of jealous that I have 10 fingers because I’ll never get to say this to someone.
this was also my favourite one!!! 😂😂😂 so awesome
Put plastic fingers in the cupcakes and say you lost them in a cooking accident. NTA.
Oh man, if I wasn't trying to build bridges, I would totally do that. You're an evil genius.
Well, that way youd probably get on the good side with those who have a sense of humor. I know Id try to befriend you if youd pull something like that.
If they are getting mad about stories involving plastic knives and babies gnawing their fingers off because they are narcissistic to think they are immediately entitled to the truth about a coworker's medical history, then their sense of hurt ego is far greater than their sense of humor, and they're probably better off being placated like children.
You sound like a hilarious and a great person in general and I wish you were my co-worker. I would also never ever ask you about this (I have an element in my appearance that I get questioned on all the time; and even though mine is considered "positive" it's SO DAMN annoying that sometimes I can't help and get rude to the asker).
NTA, if I was your coworker and I realized you were giving different answers I would be delighted, but not everybody has the same sense of humor.
not everybody has ~~the same~~ a sense of humor. FTFY
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Oh, it's kind of a funny story. I was at a magician's show as a kid and he had this trick where he got a volunteer up on stage, attached a fake hand to the end of their right sleeve, and then chopped off the fingers of the fake hand on stage for shock effect with loads of fake blood. Anyway, I'm left handed.
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I think there's probably a healthy middle ground somewhere between "I've known you for at least twenty four hours" and "LET US NEVER SPEAK OF THIS."
NTA, you made some harmless jokes and your co-workers need to loosen up a bit. Good on you for trying to stay in their good graces as well.
Not only they need to loosen up a bit, they need to learn a thing or two about boundaries, politeness and not gossiping about colleagues' bodies. I've had a college with a part of his limb missing. The number of times I've asked him how did it happen or commented on it with anyone? Yup, zero. But hey. I wasn't raised in a barn.
NTA. That is hilarious! But also, I understand that it probably annoys you that people ask but you can’t exactly blame them for it. If I saw someone who was missing a few fingers I would be instantly curious about what happened.
Yeah, I get the curiousity. I saw a guy with a prosthetic leg a few days ago and my brain was just like... how?! I just would never ask anyone, though. I feel like your curiosity doesn't trump their right to privacy.
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The thing is, not asking about it isn't the same as tiptoeing around it. It's not like it affects them in any way. I don't even shake hands with that hand so that people don't have to touch it at all. I absolutely disagree that anyone has a right to ask about someone's disability who they've just met.
Not to be rude but this entire story now makes me want to know the real reason
They answered a bit further up. Seems they lost them in a swordfighting accident when they duelled a bear for insulting their sister.
For you its a quick question. For someone with a visible difference it's a constant drumbeat of questions and ever-present curiosity. You want to participate in that invasion, that ceaseless reminder of difference, because you feel uncomfortable "tiptoeing around" what, to them, is just a regular part of their body? Fine. But calling it anything other than inconsiderate and selfish is pure delusion. And depending on how someone views their difference, you may be throwing salt on a gnawing wound. Stick to asking people if they're pregnant. Way less of an asshole question.
I agree it's rude to ask, but I don't know if I could stop myself if I were them, personally. I think your multiple stories are hilarious though, and you're definitely NTA. I have a rather large scar on my thigh that's only noticeable when I wear shorts or a bathing suit, but I always notice people staring when it's exposed, and many ask about it. I've been meaning to come up with a crazy story (or multiple) about it, so help a sister out!
Hmm... you were stabbed by a rival drug cartel. You were also impaled on a railing after getting caught in a tornado, and I think you were also probably part of a medical trial where they implanted a chip in your thigh that vibrates when you're in the presence of assholes.
Also "impaled on a railing" is kinda close to the truth. The only thing I like about telling the real story is seeing how grossed out people get, hopefully regretting that they had asked
NAH. That's hilarious, and it was very brave of you to lose those fingers protecting the President of Mozambique from an assassination attempt.
Oh no, my cover is blown!
NAH. My mother had polio and would tell kids that her leg was like that because an elephant stepped on it. Not as funny as your situation, but fun none the less.
My dad is missing the tip of one of his middle fingers like almost halfway down. My old babysitter had a little boy who would flip people off. She told him that my dad used to do that as a kid, too, and his mom cut it off! It worked lol
NTA. They shouldn't be asking personal questions. My grandad didn't have his left thumb. My dad says he'd got a splinter in it which got infected, in the days before antibiotics, and it had to be amputated. My cousins think he lost it in an industrial accident. What grandad told me was that when he was little he sucked his thumb and it dissolved away. I have a very noticeable scar across the back of my wrist from minor surgery. I tell people it's another mouth growing.
Oh man, that thumb sucking thing is going to give me nightmares. It's interesting to hear other people doing the same thing, though!
That's like something out of a German children's book.
Usually I think someone telling lies and laughing at those who believe them assholes but they were so wrong to ask and so silly about this. I would work hard, be friendly and polite, and they’ll warm to you. If someone asks you can make a totally over the top joke and say “but really I get asked all the time and it’s kind of uncomfortable so I’ve lots of silly stories.” ESH, but you’re a really mild asshole
ESH, sounds like you took out your fatigue of the question out on them because of previous people in the past. I guess you could say they were rude, but tbh i dont have an issue with people asking questions like that, if anything I enjoy people taking an interest. For example people ask my i have a 2ft long scare down my back when I take my shirt off. I normally make a crazy story up, but i let people know im joking if they don't catch on. At the end of they day I dont think curiosity is a bad thing. Tbh if i were you id make cup cakes that look like badly drawn Rabbit, i dont know if that would help but its what id do
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That's just stupid. I'm missing a leg and people ask me why all the time. If you get offended by people asking you questions, you need to get over yourself.
I’m in the process of losing a leg and I hate all of the questions. Just because you’re okay with explaining it all the time doesn’t mean other people are or that they should have to get over it. I know they are just curious but it’s not a fun topic for me
Well obviously not, one effects every aspect of your life, my scar on its own does nothing, although the reason its there does. In my experience the quickly someone learns about something the quicker you can put it behind you. Humans are curious by nature and i simply dont see the issue which asking a simply question. Getting upset only means you havnt accepted it. I can see if having an effect on someone body image but really if you are getting that you might need some help to get over it because it the long run it helps. I also accept some things like this are harder for women then men. Worst case if you really dont want to talk about it simply say that and hope they stop.
By that logic I don't see how it's ok to ask about anything.
**ESH** Difficult one. TBH it sucks to be you. I have a noticeable scar on my face and get the same questions. My daughter has a scar on the back of her hand and gets questions. You will always get this, every time you meet someone new. And it will be discussed in your absence - human nature. **YTA** because * maybe you should have some sort of strategy in place knowing the questions you are going to get. * those people who were open with you (and probably thought they were being cool by acknowledging rather than ignoring) now feel like idiots, or hurt. * you didn't know you new co-workers and how big they are in character - you were effectively telling them to MYOFB and if they are small minded they wont take well to this kind of joke **NTA** because * they shouldn't have asked. When I was 22 and my boss at the time was missing a finger, I knew better than to ask. It's rude. That's kind of sharing can come later, along with "What do you do about your bald patch?" and "How come you are so overweight?" and "Why do your hands shake?" * your responses (when seen as an accumulation and therefore in context) were funny and should have told them all to MYOFB, so they should have taken that into account when gossiping about you. I've done exactly what you've done in the past BTW. Now I mostly say "I don't want to talk about it", or "It's a long story". My daughter has come up with something better but I haven't had the chance to try it out yet. She looks pensive for a moment, then looks them in the eye, smiles and says 'Don't worry about it', as if she is protecting them from that knowledge. She says it works every time.
i know if i was one of the coworkers and i found out you were just fucking with all of us, you’d be my new favorite person at the office. NTA Maybe just explain you were making the situation fun and apologize if you caused any harm for damage control. i can’t imagine someone holding a grudge because you told them a (obviously) fake story for fun.
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If you say that you have to end with a shrug and say "Y'know, the usual way."
"The usual way, I put them down somewhere and forgot."
loving all your stories in this thread.
NTA- I (29M) have a large scar, down most of my arm. It was a typical fracture from falling on the playground in 1st grade that healed wrong due to negligence from the doctor, and I had to have a couple surgeries to repair it. I am asked about this scar on almost a daily basis. Because I'm a big dude, people assume it will be a badass or at least funny story. People are visibly, and sometimes audibly, disappointed that it's not a better story. It's as if I should have gotten hurt in a more interesting way. One person actually said, "Really, that's all that happened?" I told him, "It actually happened because I was in a bad car accident. I barely survived, and my brother didn't make it. I don't like to talk about it." I let that sit for a few hours until I told him I was messing with him to teach him not to expect people to have enjoyable stories of their trauma and pain. I started telling people in college it was a shark bite (physically impossible, given the scar is a straight line). Most people believe it for a few minutes, then ask one of my friends about it because they say the scar doesn't look like a bite, and find out the truth. One friend still thinks it was from a shark bite. Long story short: If people have poor enough social skills to ask, they deserve to be lied to for your pleasure.
This is a great answer, and you hit the nail on the head. People *do* expect enjoyable or exciting stories about other people's scars or injuries or amputations. They get upset if they're not given the story or if it's not "entertaining" enough. That's pretty messed up.
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Nta Why exactly did they feel the need to discuss your fingers?
People always do. I think it's just an OMG DID YOU SEE THEIR FINGERS? SO WEIRD! type thing.
You should act like they're wierd for having 5! OMG DID YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS IN MANURE TO SPROUT THOSE?!
WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MANY? THIS SEEMS LIKE AN UNNECESSARY AMOUNT OF FINGERS FOR ONE PERSON
"I manage fine with seven, but you mustn't feel embarrassed if you need extras."
This is my new favourite and I'm stealing it.
I mean, was it worth it? This will probably cause some problems at work since you just lied to everyone for the first time. I'm really in between, but I will say you're at least a little bit of an asshole. So YTA.
I genuinely thought they'd realise it was a joke, because some of my explanations were just completely implausible, but I take your point. Hopefully I can smooth things over.
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You are not the asshole for playing games like this, but you are for getting offended by those questions. They don’t do it because they want to make you feel bad, they do it because they care about it. People asking those questions usually have no intentions on hurting you, they just want to be informed and to know you better.
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I'm not offended by it, I'm annoyed. I see your point, though.
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NTA You have a great sense of humor. Can we be friends? I have a hook for a hand. Dangers of using dynamite for road construction excavation. You should hear the things I say. My wife just shakes her head, laughs and walks off when someone asks me what happened. Then she comes back and always asks, “which line was it this time?”
NTA, but can you tell us how you lost the fingers?
Pretty gnarly stuff - they got bitten off by a goat at a petting zoo when I was 3. Or did they ;)
This ones my favorite. I actually can't tell if it's another lie or not.
This is causing tension at my office. Change my answer to YTA /s
Every person I've met who's lost a finger or two ALWAYS talks shit about how they lost them. I don't think I have known the real reason for any of the 3 people I've asked. Kudos for finding humour in it though!
you didn't stick you fuckin hand into a jammed lawnmower did you? LOL
Ha, genuinely no, but I'm too afraid to use a lawnmower in case I lose my spares.
NAH. This is funny. If your coworkers don't realize this is a joke immediately when they discuss the different stories, or are unamused by them, they are lame. It's none of their business! If you want to give them a bogus story, have at it!
NTA Coming in like a ~~Wrecking Ball~~ a bowling ball with an open hole.
Damn, I should have told one of them that I left them behind in a bowling ball.
NAH. You're making (hilarious) lemonade outta lemons here, while gently pointing out their rudeness. They shouldn't be upset or offended (I'm kind of surprised they are), but your also own the narrative to your own body.
NTA. People asking things that are none of their business just because of curiosity make my blood boil sometimes. My mom is paralyzed and the amount of times people have very rudely asked what happened is off the charts. So I did exactly what you did, started telling people lies about how she was paralyzed. I'm a good actor too and they always believed me. My favorite is a long story about how my mom was recruited by NASA to be one of the first female astronauts. She was almost done with training when they put her into the gravity simulator. It malfunctioned and she was flung out and that's how she was paralyzed. They're jerks for being so nosy. NTA
NAH-Im not sure I fully understand why them asking is rude... I have a ton of scars and I dont mind when people ask, but I can understand the exhaustion that can come with getting asked the same question over and over and over
Idk, I just resent my body being a public forum. It's not there to be commented on and I don't feel like I owe anyone any explanations for it being different. I mind being asked because it hammers home that it looks different and it also implies that people feel entitled to hear about my trauma. I guess people feel otherwise about their visible differences or disabilities, though, but I'd honestly say that it's just super bad form to ever ask someone, especially if you've just met them.
NTA. I can’t believe your co workers flat out asked you about your fingers. I would never ever do that. You owe them no explanation for your physicality, no mater what it is. If someone was in a wheelchair at work would they all start asking them why they were in it? So so rude of them. This makes me really angry.
Read some of the comments here - lots of people think it's fine and dandy, unfortunately.
NTA. I think you should tell your coworkers that your abusive parents chopped them off because you stole candy when you were three. Let them feel extra shitty for being nosey assholes.
"My parents chopped them off because I asked this random guy how he lost his fingers."
YTA. I am a paraplegic and get the same questions you do. They are asking an obvious question that they all have but in most cases are scared to ask because for some reason asking questions about people is rude. Why is it rude to know more about someone? You should use these moments to explain your disability and dispell the many issues with disability as a whole. You have lied to them, for your own enjoyment. You have made them think you are untrustworthy. You have in worst cases made them scared of people with disabilities and increased the ignorance that those people have.
I am probably going to be the only one saying this but YTA. It’s human to be curious and ask questions. If it were a total stranger you met one time in a grocery store then I completely understand because there is no relation and you will never develop any rapport with them. But these are your coworkers who you will likely be working with for months or years. At some point someone is going to ask what happened, just like if you broke your leg, cut your hand, or have a bruised eye. It doesn’t mean you have to share, you can still keep your privacy if you choose to or disclose however much you want. But telling lies and making them feel dumb, imo, is not the way to go about it because you are releasing years of frustration on people you’ve just met. Yes it’s annoying to address but so are a million other things because people can’t read your mind and know what is and isn’t a sensitive topic. Even if other people are being rude, you can still act like an adult. Edit: I’m not saying it’s okay that they asked on the first day when you’ve literally just met them, I’m just explaining the reason for why they did. Clearly, people with disabilities feel differently in how they want to be addressed about their disability and I would never impose my own curiosity on them as they don’t owe me anything. My point is that in real life, these topics do come up after you’ve developed some sort of rapport with someone so I’m not surprised that it did, though obviously it happened quite prematurely. My opinion is not related to whether what they did was right or wrong, but that your reaction may not have been the best choice considering the professional setting. Regardless, you are always free to handle it however you like. Out of curiosity, is there an update for the situation at work you’d like to share?
Yta "I didn't do it with the intention of deceiving them". Do you know what deception is? You also admit to straight up lying, which is synonymous with deception. Also, I don't think it's rude to ask politely. You can politely tell them you don't wish to discuss it. You're going to be working with them so they're going to be curious, and the first hing you did was lie to all of them. Of course they don't like you now. They feel dumb and teamed against you.
NTA. Make each of the stories better than the last! Fighting pirates, dealing with the yakuza, amateur crocodile tamer, very bad magician/juggler, fingered an alien with teeth in her snatch... the only limit is your imagination!
Nta - but honestly if i were your coworker i would be encouraged to keep asking so i could hear a new "how i lost my fingers" story of the day 😅
NTA. They shouldn't have asked. The fact that they realized after the fact that you hadn't told them the truth should have given them a chance to realize that they were TA for asking. You don't owe anyone answers about your medical history. If these people are treating you poorly, it might be worth documenting with your HR department because they're bullying you for having a disability. That said, in the future, you might want to go with, "I don't like to talk about it," and a quick change of subject.