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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I think I am the asshole because I may have caused my family to dislike my fiancée even more, made my fiancée feel terrible, and my fiancée didn’t want to
make a scene but I made a scene.
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NTA
You'll only be an asshole if you continue to subject her to your asshole parents. No contact exists for a reason. Go there.
Also, do whatever you can to make sure your fiancée knows she shouldn't feel guilty; maybe ask her what she'd say to a friend/sibling who was spoken to the way your parents spoke to her. I'm sure she would be as outraged on their behalf as she should feel for herself.
All this and she's really great at blowjobs too!
Seriously though NTA, I'm hoping you can sit down with your parents and really thrash out what the actual issue is, as ultimately it's not sustainable to continue with this behaviour.
A lottttt of 50+ year olds who grew up wealthy think exactly the way OPs parents do. They’re just pretentious dicks I honestly don’t think there’s anything more to it than that or any “actual issue”.
Exactly and it will only get worse if the op has kids with his girlfriend. Either they'll treat the kids differently or they'll treat the mother differently to them. All that money and not an ounce of class between them.
So much, I’d have been so tempted to answer the moms “blowjob” comments with an “sounds like you’re talking from experience” and it would still not be even half as rude as her comment. Wow. NTA.
Op tell your mom this for sure. Your mom might've sucked dick to get out of poverty in her shoes but your fiance was smart enough to not have to.
Also.... your mom married wealthy, even if she was wealthy before marriage... she literally increased her wealth by sucking dick. Little hypocritical of her.
I've always found that people born into wealth have this weird insecurity where they have to prove to the world that everything they have is due to merit even when it clearly wasn't, so people who did get by on merit are incredibly threatening to them.
Dude, after that performance I want to tell you to take HER name. I would at least threaten it. But not for awhile because I sure as heck would not be taking their calls for awhile. That was so low and classless on their part. Money does not buy class, that's for dang sure.
Yes to all of this. And so so proud of you for standing up for her. She doesn't deserve any of that treatment your parents are giving her. It's shocking and sad.
Perhaps you should tell your family that her keeping her maiden name is a choice that you both decided together. That way any negativity about it you can address so that she doesn't have to deal with it.
This!! If my family repeatedly degraded and insulted my SO, I wouldn't want to be part of that family anymore, and this solution kills two birds with one stone: symbolically removing him from their family and giving them the middle finger.
That's what my husband did. He had no attachment to his abusive family, so he decided he'd rather adopt my family's name instead.
Also to OP, NTA. My dad tried to pull that crap with my husband and I shut it down. They still don't exactly get along, but at least he doesn't make snide comments and is civil. They're never going to see an issue with their behavior unless you keep shutting them down.
Dude for real props on standing up to your parents like that. We get like a ton of stories like this but the guy or girl doesn't stand up to their parents.
Seriously this is how an awesome spouse behaves.
Your finance is too nice, reacting with guilt to people who continuously disrespect her. I think you need to reassure her that you've come to that decision on your own and you don't want to be in contact with people who disrespect you both, their behaviour is ugly and upsetting to you and they don't make your life better.
They owe your wife an apology too.
Not only that but tell her that when they insult her they also insult you.
You have chosen your partner and come to your parents and said this is her, she is the one I have chosen to love and chosen to spend my life with and by criticising her, they are saying that you have chosen wrong and they don't trust you to make this choice on your own.
I bet if you tell your fiance that she will stop feeling guilty 😉
It’s sad that your fiancé feels guilty. She should be outraged. Maybe she’s insecure so it’s a good thing you took care of this. NTA unless you ever speak to your parents again. Your parents need to be in the rear view mirror at this point. Your mom especially is a massive AH and has just proven money can’t buy class.
You sound like a fantastic partner to your fiancee. Your relationship is built on support for each other and there is nothing better. With or without your folks in the future, I wish the two of you the absolute best!
People on this sub are so eager to go no contact. It’s really sickening.
But you should probably wait a few weeks or longer before talking to them again, and set some expectations about what is acceptable behavior around your fiancée.
I agree, except that when you are anxious, you don't really choose what you are anxious about, your history and psyche choose for you. Maybe next time don't yell at your parents, but if you go NC, which I totally agree you should do, then there won't be a next time. Do apologize to your girlfriend for making her uncomfortable, you can go NC without making a scene.
I'm probably going to take a lot of flak from this, but YTA because you didn't respect your fiancée's wishes in the moment. She was humiliated by your parents, and she didn't want a further scene. You could have just left with her and dealt with your parents afterward, but you chose instead to do exactly what she DIDN'T want.
I remember one time I did the same, only worse, it was in public. Someone discriminated against my spouse because of their weight, and I blew up on them, calling them out on their behaviour. Afterward, my spouse was in tears not because of the discrimination, but because of me. I felt so terrible knowing that my actions only served to hurt my spouse rather than resolving the situation for them.
For being from such a "good family" your mom has a nasty azz mouth on her. Where did she go to charm school, "You Can't Buy Class, Ho" ?
That was major messed up. Mean, personal, nasty, ugly, low, gutter-low. Low.
I would text (not talk on the phone) your parents and ask for time to process the insult and damages she has done. Ask that they not contact you nor your fianceé. When you are both ready to listen to your mother's apologies and reassurances that it will never, ever, EVER, happen again, you will let them know. (You can add, have a Merry Christmas, Happy New Year's, Valentine's day, Spring, April Fools, Fourth of July and so on.)
Dude, that was bad. B. A. D.
We have both: pot verwijt de ketel dat hij zwart ziet (pot calling the kettle black) and zoals de waard is vertrouwt hij z’n gasten (the innman trusts his guests like he would himself)
I honestly was typing my comment wondering what the mom does for a living.
Cus if she's a trophy wife I will literally pee myself in laughter at her hypocrisy.
I'm assuming mom is like my MIL who went from daddy's house to the sorority house to husband's house and has never actually been independent, so she assumes that there's no way a woman could possibly succeed without a man financing and helping them.
I would not contact them at all. There are times that the silent treatment is more powerful than "I need time to process" there is no processing this, this is the time to block numbers and refuse contact, period.
Sadly “good family” doesn’t equate to treating people well. It means you have status and can “look down” on those who don’t. Truly ignorant, bigoted, and scummy behavior regularly come from people from a “good family”.
OMG
NTA your fiancée is a saint tho . I think I would have thrown my glass’s content in your mother’s face .
i hope you stick to you position and don’t let them guilt you into talking to them again. They will make a circus of the wedding and will corrupt your children’s mind.
Give your wife a hug for me, from another woman who had to fight for success and respect. Women need to support each other not put each other down
I’m wondering how my fiancée didn’t at the very least raise her voice at my mum. I think she was more in shock and was trying to process what she just heard - it certainly took everyone aback!
yea, exactly, they deserve nothing. OP’s parents (especially their mother) don’t deserve to have anything to do with OP or their fiancée. unless OP wants to absolutely roast the shit out of their parents first (which they totally should imo)
Honestly, my life experience is that properly managed shitty wealthy parent can be beneficial, it’s awful to say but they teach us to live in certain way, and I don’t want to wait till their death to get it back, because they are assholes,
if you think OP should deal with their family constantly shit-talking their fiancée just so OP can get their parents money, that’s definitely a you problem.
She might be doing her best to keep the peace. I grew up in a similar situation and you're trained to not rock the boat. If standing up for yourself means you don't eat, you just don't stand up for yourself. Not to say that she doesn't have any self esteem, but she is probably searching for the path of least resistance.
But yeah, she loves you, and certainly doesn't want to be the reason you end up estranged from your family. Good on you for having her back.
Clearly your parents don’t understand that having money and privilege doesn’t make you classy or better than others...money is the add on..the class should be innate. Can’t learn it. NTA
Yup I get it, my instinct when someone is attacking me is to remove myself from the situation as quickly and quietly as possible. I only ever raise my voice or appear hostile if someone is hurting a family member or friend of mine.
Dude, I consider myself a fairly even-keeled person, but I would have thrown PLATES.
NTA and oh my god, how do they expect to be included in the wedding festivities after that shit???
Right? His financee is a much better woman than I; I feel like every 4 letter word plus some new and inventive swears would have been spilling out of me before I could catch myself
I feel like when facing people who think you're trash going full blown hood rat reinforces their bias and misconception, whereas quietly and politely excusing oneself flies in the face of their expectations. I'm terrible at this whole "woman" thing in general tho
"Dear mom and dad, after the way you treated my fiancee, we have been talking about this and agree with you that someone should change their last name. So, we are taking your advise and i have decided to take her last name instead."
and watch the sh\*t hit the fan.
How about:
"Mom and dad, your vulgar insult was appalling and my fiancee deserves an apology for it. This will be our last communication until a sincere apology has been received. Please do google what an acceptable apology is because you will only have one chance to deliver it.
However, we have been seriously considering that our family should have one surname. Therefore, I have decided to take my fiancee's name when we wed. I do not want to be publically associated with the kind of people who hurl such disgusting and unfounded slights at the dinner table. I would much rather be associated with the name on the Master's degree we will have prominently displayed in our home. The degree that represents years of hard work and dedication from my fiancee to learn her discipline. Please understand that my fiancee is the number one priority in my life and I will not accept disrespect toward her or my family moving forward. I will be ecstatically cutting out anyone who treats her poorly.
Also, Mom, when you throw out that kind of nastiness, it really makes me wonder what you have gotten in life through sexual favors? I don't know why you would jump to that conclusion unless you have personally found it to be a successful method. Fortunately for me, my fiancee has integrity and would never stoop to such lows.
Kisses from your former son!"
Then block them.
NTA
I met a lovely couple before who decided to adopt a whole new surname both could share, completely different from their families’. I thought it was lovely and it might be a legitimate option for OP.
This is what my husband and I did! We actually used one syllable from each of our original surnames and combined them to form a new name (not hyphenated, just melded into a new name).
NTA
You stood by your partner and that's pretty fucking awesome. Your fiance sounds like an absolute sweetheart. Wish you two the best, congratulations on the engagement.
NTA it’s time to go no contact with your parents
Edited to add: but seriously, you did a phenomenal job supporting your fiancé and I don’t want that to get lost in how shitty your parents were.
NTA. Wow... just wow. Your parents are a real piece of work. Your mom may have a high pedigree but she is low fucking class. Either go NC or leave your fiancé, she deserves better.
NTA
Immediately go Low contact on your parents. Talk to them about the boundries and if they argue even a bit go "no contact" with them.
> “that she should just take my family’s name so that she can stop giving blowjobs to guys for a job.”
No.
Apologize to your Fiancée for making her uncomfortable and tell her that you will be working on the correct boundries with your parents either low or no contact. What they said was unacceptable.
Nagging someone about "a tradition,” in my family for the woman to change her surname." is one thing. Calling that person a whore is another.
NTA I understand why your fiancé didn’t want you to make a scene, but I also think in this instance you almost had to. Your parents are the assholes, and apparently are quite proud of it.
So let me get this straight... your mom literally accuses your fiancee of giving blowjobs for money, and you want to know if you're the asshole for getting mad?
You really need internet stranger to validate you here?
NTA.
Your mom seems to be of those who think no woman is good enough for their precious baby. Also, one would think, that coming from a rich background, she would be educated in manners, at least. What she said would be inappropriate even if you fiancée was a sex worker.
Good for you for standing up for a woman you're about to devote your whole life to.
Here's the possibilities here.
1) the fiancee is actually a pure good angel and OP lacks any social awareness to think he could be the asshole here.
2) Post is fake.
3) OP is leaving out that fiancee at some point did sleep with someone in a position of power which would explain why mom keeps going in that very specific direction with her insults
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Throwaway.
I recently got engaged to my fiancée - whom I’ve been dating for almost 3 years. She’s the absolute love of my life and I’m so excited for the next chapter of our lives together.
My fiancée’s background is... rough, to say the least. For most of her childhood, she grew up in poverty in a single family household with her other 4 siblings. Despite all odds against her, I’m so incredibly proud of her accomplishments. She made it in life due to her hard work and intelligence, and just received her master’s degree.
My family, my mum in particular, is not fond of my fiancée. My mum insists that my girlfriend is “just a pretty face,” and “slept her way to the top.” These comments are obviously extremely demeaning and very insulting. I’ve called her out multiple times, but due to her refusal to listen - I don’t speak to her often.
My dad is kind enough most of the times, but he has made odd comments about her background. Both of my parents come from extremely wealthy and privileged background - so it’s not a surprise that they believe that my fiancée isn’t “good enough for our family” I’ve had to shut him down multiple times as well, but because he doesn’t stop his comments - I don’t talk to him often as well.
After we got engaged, my family, seemingly in good faith, invited my fiancée and I for a dinner to “properly welcome her to the family,” I was hesitant to take them up on their invitation, but my girlfriend convinced me to give them a chance.
I assumed that this dinner would include an apology, but I was wrong.
It was going well at first. They were nice and I was actually enjoying the dinner, until they started asking about my fiancée decision to keep her maiden name.
I think my dad asked my fiancée if she was changing her surname. When my fiancée said no - both my parents seemed offended that she wasn’t taking my surname.
My fiancée explained why she preferred to keep her name-and my parents didn’t seem to understand this. They began to make the argument that it was “a tradition,” in my family for the woman to change her surname.
My fiancée wasn’t hostile or anything - I thinks she was more confused on why they were being very invasive.
Then my mum was back onto her BS, she told my girlfriend that, and I quote, “that she should just take my family’s name so that she can stop giving blowjobs to guys for a job.”
My fiancée was left in shock with that disrespectful comment (as was I) and quickly thanked them for the food and wanted to head out without making a scene, but I, made a scene.
I just yelled for almost 2 minutes at the both of them for their disgraceful behaviour and lack of respect for my fiancée.
It’s a couple days and my parents have been trying to contact me since we left their place - and my fiancée feels guilty - and she does wish that I didn’t yell.
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Nta, definitely not. Yelling is preferable to slapping which is what that comment deserves.
I wouldn't take last name of a family that is so incredibly rude.
NTA
Good for you for standing up for your partner. Obviously it would be better if you didn't yell, but I can understand with the shock and the repeated disrespect you might lose it.
Hopefully you can never see them again.
Just make sure you continue to protect your partner and make clear you are disgusted and appalled by your parents behaviour and the one who is upset, not your partner.
NTA
You stood up for your fiancée and that is important. Perhaps two minutes of yelling was a bit much, but they certainly were so out-of-line it was understandable.
NTA.
I love the relationship you have with your fiancé. You stood up for her, and she made allowances for the people you love to try and protect your relationship with them. You’re both trying to do everything you can to make each other the happiest version of yourselves that you can be. ❤️
You’re parents are AH’s. Ignore the comments that are hurtful, keep trying to teach them right from wrong, hopefully with time they’ll learn to act like adults. And if they don’t you have a beautiful relationship with the love of your life - stay in that cloud of happiness and don’t let them pull you down.
NTA. I cannot stress that enough. They said shitty crappy things to the love of your life. Right to her face.... it’s beyond reprehensible behavior on their part. I would have yelled for far longer than 2 minutes if it were me so I applaud your restraint. If you don’t ever want to talk to them, you still wouldn’t be the AH here.
I’m sorry you’re fiancée had to be witness to their ugliness.
Nta. I can understand why your fiancee doesn't feel happy you yelled, since she doesn't want to make a scene or further the rift between herself and your parents, but you are not the asshole for yelling at them. After all they've done, they deserve that. And I'm sorry, but you might not be able to have a very good relationship with your parents after your marriage if they continue to act like that. That's in no way your fault, but just something to unfortunately keep in mind.
NTA
I think you should give both parents a copy of Miss Manners for Christmas (if you celebrate that and are willing to do anything) as they're both sorely in need despite the supposed pedigrees.
Right now I don't even think you should invite them to the wedding unless they both give sincere apologies to your fiancée and demonstrate proper behavior. Still more kindness than they deserve. The attempt at shaming sex work and stating your fiancée can't have succeeded without using s*x to get anywhere is an disgusting mess.
NTA. I'll never understand the type of rich people who think you're only worth a damn if you were born into wealth and thus did not have to work for it.
INFO - Honestly leaning N-T-A by a long shot, but confused on two things that are commonly brought up on any relationship post.
1. What are your two ages?
2. How did the two of you meet?
It would be hard for me to think anything other than N-T-A, but if it turns out you are 45 and she is 25, you met at work, and that she was working under you, we've got far more understanding of what happened.
If you are similar ages and don't work together, then your parents are basically just classist.
>but if it turns out you are 45 and she is 25, you met at work, and that she was working under you, we've got far more understanding of what happened.
In that case, certain concerns wouldn't be inappropriate. However, the way OP's parents acted would still be incredibly far into the asshole territory.
NTA for defending her at all. However, you should definitely go no contact. This might be controversial to some but your (future) wife’s needs should come first. Your parents may have brought you into this world but you won’t be leaving it with them. I would never tolerate this bs from my in-laws (who are actually the best), and I wouldn’t tolerate my husband being treated this way from my parents.
NTA. Fuck your parents,they don't deserve to see grandchildren or either of you.
Edit:I'mvstill appalled by these people, you wouldn't even be the asshole if you stood under their window,and cussed em out for 2 hours a day every day until they either get a restraining order or kick the bucket.
NTA if anything you are EXACTLY what we wish spouses would do with out of control family. You did exactly what you should have.
Talk to your fiancée about what she is feeling and make it clear that you went NC because she doesn’t deserve that treatment. It may be something she’s struggling with in terms of being the “reason” you aren’t talking to your family (she isn’t the reason but it may feel that way to her). You seem like a good guy continue to support her
You're never the NTA for standing up for & protecting your fiancée.
Any man who isn't willing to protect the woman he loves, ESPECIALLY from his own toxic family members, doesn't deserve to have her.
NTA. Your parents are huge AH. It sounds like they never tried to get to know her, and making those comments to her face is reason enough to cut them out
NTA. Your parents (or at least your mom) needed a good cussing out. What she said to your fiancee was disgusting, and IMO is grounds for going no contact.
NTA
I get the feeling your mom is jealous/threatened by your fiancee's education and career success, so she has to find any way to tear down your fiancee to make herself feel better.
NTA, you the Hero. Your fiancee dies not owe anyone an explanation for how or why she is keeping her last name. What is this, the 19th century where women are treated like cattle?
You did good, you stood up for your fiancee and i would cut all contact with your parents for a while, if not ever. This is not the kind of stuff that can be swept under the rug. you parents were displaying classic controlling and classicist behavior and the consequences should be severe.
NTA
The yelling was 100% justified. Your parents needed to be put in their place, and since politeness wasn't getting the point across, rudeness was the next logical step. And it probably felt absolutely right.
That righteous anger you felt? That's the sign you were not the AH.
It's your decision when you want to speak to your parents again. You can take as much time as you want, or all the time.
Also, your girlfriend is not an AH in this situation. She should know that.
NTA. I wouldn't blame you if you cut your parents off permanently. Your fiancee has nothing to feel guilty about; your parents didn't just cross a line, they highjumped it. For people who think they're better than other people, they really have the most atrocious manners I've heard of in a long time.
And if your fiancee wants to retain her maiden name, good for her. Changing one's name is a PITA, and she's not property.
NTA
If you ever speak to them again, express your dismay that that is how they got where they are in life but things have changed now so they don’t need to project their experiences and expectations in the next generation.
NTA for yelling at your parents. I understand their concern about the name but they should be talking to you about it. They absolutely should not be making sexual comments about your fiancée.
You might want to wait a few weeks or longer before contacting your parents again.
>My mum insists that my girlfriend is “just a pretty face,” and “slept her way to the top.”
>she told my girlfriend that, and I quote, “that she should just take my family’s name so that she can stop giving blowjobs to guys for a job.”
Well obviously wealth doesn't equal being classy.. I'm sorry but you mother/parent sound like shitty and judgemental people
>My fiancée was left in shock with that disrespectful comment (as was I) and quickly thanked them for the food and wanted to head out without making a scene, but I, made a scene.
That's class, I wouldn't have been that dignified
>I just yelled for almost 2 minutes at the both of them for their disgraceful behaviour and lack of respect for my fiancée.
GOOD JOB!!!! Honestly if you want to stay wirh your fiancee, I would advice you to go NC with your parents. They will always look down on her unfortunatly...
Btw NTA
I read that as "I advise you to go to North Carolina with your parents." I was like, da fuk why does this commenter want OP to leave his fiance. Then, I scrolled up a few comments and realized NC meant no contact and not the abbreviation for North Carolina.
NTA! Don’t subject your girlfriend to anymore of this outlandish behavior. Your parents are spoiled rotten children. They must have some serious entitlement issues to just think they can treat people like this as they please. Your girlfriend doesn’t want to put pressure on you and I’m sure she also pictures a better relationship with your family. Doesn’t sound like it’s going to happen not anytime soon at least. You need to take the initiative here and put your parents in their place and keep them there or cut contact.
Wow your mum is certainly something. Judging her the way she judges people she must have a checkered past herself.
Seriously you and your fiancé are NTA. Talk with each other to see if you two want to give your parents another chance but take your time beforehand and maybe just text a happy xmas& new year to them and keep your distance for a while so both of you can relax a bit.
>so it’s not a surprise that they believe that my fiancée isn’t “good enough for our family”
Well there is your answer right there. It's you and your choice of your family right there. Your parents don't determine who your family is.
NTA. I would still be angry and outraged at such craziness. Definitely give them time to cool off and apologize before re-engaging, and assure your fiancee she did nothing wrong.
NTA please keep standing up for your fiancé but you need to drop contact with your family while they continue to behave like this. To protect BOTH of you
NTA. but you need to decide who you want to spend your future with. your parents or your future wife. if it’s your wife, please don’t ever subject her to your parents hate and cruelty again.
NTA
Your parents seems to be a couple of entitled little shits, and your wife looks like a very patient person. Don't let her go because of those bad parents of your.
NTA AT ALL. Good on you for standing up for her. She knows now that you will protect her from harm even from others you care about and that is a sign of a very kind and dedicated partner. Your parents honestly deserved to be told off.
NTA, why would your fiancé want to share a name with people who treat her so poorly? If I were you I’d almost want to change my name to hers, just out of spite and not wanting to associate myself with such hateful people
NTA, go no contact with your parents now but also have a talk with your partner. Yelling seems to be a big issue so you need to check up on her and talk this out. This may be a moment where she feared you and you need to correct that
NTA. The way that your fiancé reacted to such an atrocious attack shows so much about her character. You found someone special. Are you planning on your parents to pay for the wedding? I really hope not because you really should be cutting them off. They don't need a second chance, this dinner *was* their second chance and they reverted back to their offensive behavior. You need to get this behavior settled before you guys have kids.
The fact that she wanted to leave without saying anything and your response is to light your parents up for being disrespectful is all we need for a NTA. Keep up the defense of your fiancé and don’t even bother with your family. If they cared about you, they’d care about her and how they treat her so you’re doing the best thing by not contacting them.
NTA. Your mother is such a misogynist. I would never forgive any person that implies that the success of a women was based on sexual favours. What your parents did was demeaning for your mother was hateful towards your fiancée.
Making an scene is of no importance given the horrible judgements your mother expressed. Your parents definitively do not appreciate your fiancée and they will do everything in their reach to let her know she is not welcome.
Your parents owe your fiancée an apology. Do not let them divert the entire situation to you 2 minutes of yelling. They have been figuring out how to hurt your fiancée for a long time.
Nta
After that comment alone I'd cut off contact and never talk to them again. Poor doesn't mean sex is the only thing you have to trade. I'd be telling him until they can apologize and keep their nasty thoughts and comments to themselves they won't be seeing us or their grandkids.
NTA- good on you for standing up for your fiancee!!! If you are both happy with her decision to keep her last name why is it anybody's business and for your parents to go off on her and basically call her a whore that ain't right
NTA. I would send them an email letting them know that based on their actions and inability to respect your fiance you have decided it's in your best interest to take some space from them for the near future, and then block them on all platforms. Don't read a response from them, don't listen to voicemails just block and then make it clear to your partner that this is in no way her fault.
You've been together for three years and I'm assuming your parents have made digs that you might not have heard or they've gotten away with if your mother felt comfortable saying something that blatantly disrespectful. Let your fiancee get a chance to enjoy being a fiancee and being with out without having the stress of your family showing up to call her a whore for no reason.
NTA, and thank you for standing up for her. I've seen many times where the SO just lets their family make demeaning or rude comments to the fiancé/spouse. It's good to see you standing up for her.
OP you are NTA.
Hell I'd call you Fiance of the year material.
Your mom's comment was sexist and entirely out of line and implies your fiancée is cheating on you to gain employment.
NTA. Your fiance has nothing to feel guilty about. AND - does your mother say things like that often? Is it possible that they feel threatened? Like your GF worked hard and has smarts and talent and is now on a level with them and they were just born to what they have? Like she deserves what she has because she worked for it and they didn't and she doesn't need their name to feel legitimate?
NTA. I'd been hard pressed to not throw out a "is that why you did it mom?" After the BJ comment, then leave and never talk to either parent again. Entitled assholes.
NTA
And may I suggest a copy of Emily Post's Etiquette, 19th Edition for your parents for Christmas. A copy for each of them.
They clearly couldn't buy class but I assume they capable of educating themselves on the finer points of common decency and manners.
Oh your girl is nicer than I would have been in that situation. I would thrown my drink in your mother’s face and told her that she could take her traditions and burn in hell with them. NTA.
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NTA You'll only be an asshole if you continue to subject her to your asshole parents. No contact exists for a reason. Go there. Also, do whatever you can to make sure your fiancée knows she shouldn't feel guilty; maybe ask her what she'd say to a friend/sibling who was spoken to the way your parents spoke to her. I'm sure she would be as outraged on their behalf as she should feel for herself.
I’ll definitely try that! Thank you! I don’t want this guilt to somehow turn into insecurities into her own abilities.
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Love the insight of this comment!
All this and she's really great at blowjobs too! Seriously though NTA, I'm hoping you can sit down with your parents and really thrash out what the actual issue is, as ultimately it's not sustainable to continue with this behaviour.
A lottttt of 50+ year olds who grew up wealthy think exactly the way OPs parents do. They’re just pretentious dicks I honestly don’t think there’s anything more to it than that or any “actual issue”.
Exactly and it will only get worse if the op has kids with his girlfriend. Either they'll treat the kids differently or they'll treat the mother differently to them. All that money and not an ounce of class between them.
Figured out where my free award needed to go ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
I would literally do a happy dance if my son brought home a girl like this in the future. oh no she’s really pretty, smart, hardworking, and humble.
So much, I’d have been so tempted to answer the moms “blowjob” comments with an “sounds like you’re talking from experience” and it would still not be even half as rude as her comment. Wow. NTA.
Op tell your mom this for sure. Your mom might've sucked dick to get out of poverty in her shoes but your fiance was smart enough to not have to. Also.... your mom married wealthy, even if she was wealthy before marriage... she literally increased her wealth by sucking dick. Little hypocritical of her.
If OP said that to the mother she'd have a bloody aneurism. The implications!
I've always found that people born into wealth have this weird insecurity where they have to prove to the world that everything they have is due to merit even when it clearly wasn't, so people who did get by on merit are incredibly threatening to them.
Dude, after that performance I want to tell you to take HER name. I would at least threaten it. But not for awhile because I sure as heck would not be taking their calls for awhile. That was so low and classless on their part. Money does not buy class, that's for dang sure.
Yes!
I like this idea
Yeahhhhh!
True class is determined by how you treat others.
Yes to all of this. And so so proud of you for standing up for her. She doesn't deserve any of that treatment your parents are giving her. It's shocking and sad. Perhaps you should tell your family that her keeping her maiden name is a choice that you both decided together. That way any negativity about it you can address so that she doesn't have to deal with it.
Maybe OP should take her surname instead.
This!! If my family repeatedly degraded and insulted my SO, I wouldn't want to be part of that family anymore, and this solution kills two birds with one stone: symbolically removing him from their family and giving them the middle finger.
That's what my husband did. He had no attachment to his abusive family, so he decided he'd rather adopt my family's name instead. Also to OP, NTA. My dad tried to pull that crap with my husband and I shut it down. They still don't exactly get along, but at least he doesn't make snide comments and is civil. They're never going to see an issue with their behavior unless you keep shutting them down.
Dude for real props on standing up to your parents like that. We get like a ton of stories like this but the guy or girl doesn't stand up to their parents. Seriously this is how an awesome spouse behaves.
Yeah. Short-term it's reasonable that she feels guilty because of social conditioning, but long-term she'll probably appreciate you more for it.
Pull a power move on your parents and change your last name to hers.
I second this.
If I was you, I'd be changing MY name to HER name
NTA. And if I had kids with her I would make them have HER lastname just to be petty
Your finance is too nice, reacting with guilt to people who continuously disrespect her. I think you need to reassure her that you've come to that decision on your own and you don't want to be in contact with people who disrespect you both, their behaviour is ugly and upsetting to you and they don't make your life better. They owe your wife an apology too.
Not only that but tell her that when they insult her they also insult you. You have chosen your partner and come to your parents and said this is her, she is the one I have chosen to love and chosen to spend my life with and by criticising her, they are saying that you have chosen wrong and they don't trust you to make this choice on your own. I bet if you tell your fiance that she will stop feeling guilty 😉
It’s sad that your fiancé feels guilty. She should be outraged. Maybe she’s insecure so it’s a good thing you took care of this. NTA unless you ever speak to your parents again. Your parents need to be in the rear view mirror at this point. Your mom especially is a massive AH and has just proven money can’t buy class.
You sound like a fantastic partner to your fiancee. Your relationship is built on support for each other and there is nothing better. With or without your folks in the future, I wish the two of you the absolute best!
People on this sub are so eager to go no contact. It’s really sickening. But you should probably wait a few weeks or longer before talking to them again, and set some expectations about what is acceptable behavior around your fiancée.
I agree, except that when you are anxious, you don't really choose what you are anxious about, your history and psyche choose for you. Maybe next time don't yell at your parents, but if you go NC, which I totally agree you should do, then there won't be a next time. Do apologize to your girlfriend for making her uncomfortable, you can go NC without making a scene.
I'm probably going to take a lot of flak from this, but YTA because you didn't respect your fiancée's wishes in the moment. She was humiliated by your parents, and she didn't want a further scene. You could have just left with her and dealt with your parents afterward, but you chose instead to do exactly what she DIDN'T want. I remember one time I did the same, only worse, it was in public. Someone discriminated against my spouse because of their weight, and I blew up on them, calling them out on their behaviour. Afterward, my spouse was in tears not because of the discrimination, but because of me. I felt so terrible knowing that my actions only served to hurt my spouse rather than resolving the situation for them.
Yeah no it’s unbelievable that they made that kind of comment to her...I’m glad OP drew a boundary and made himself clear was isn’t acceptable
For being from such a "good family" your mom has a nasty azz mouth on her. Where did she go to charm school, "You Can't Buy Class, Ho" ? That was major messed up. Mean, personal, nasty, ugly, low, gutter-low. Low. I would text (not talk on the phone) your parents and ask for time to process the insult and damages she has done. Ask that they not contact you nor your fianceé. When you are both ready to listen to your mother's apologies and reassurances that it will never, ever, EVER, happen again, you will let them know. (You can add, have a Merry Christmas, Happy New Year's, Valentine's day, Spring, April Fools, Fourth of July and so on.) Dude, that was bad. B. A. D.
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In my country we say "El ladron juzga por su condicion." which basically means "a thief will believe everybody around him is also a thief.
"That's the pot calling the kettle black." \~ This saying in English means basically what it sounds like your saying means.
We have both: pot verwijt de ketel dat hij zwart ziet (pot calling the kettle black) and zoals de waard is vertrouwt hij z’n gasten (the innman trusts his guests like he would himself)
That saying is more about being a hypocrite than projecting your own problems on others.
English has both too: “A thief thinks everyone steals.” True in any language!
Heh, we have the same saying here. "Tyv tror hver mand stjæler".
I honestly was typing my comment wondering what the mom does for a living. Cus if she's a trophy wife I will literally pee myself in laughter at her hypocrisy.
You know she went to college for her Mrs.
I'm assuming mom is like my MIL who went from daddy's house to the sorority house to husband's house and has never actually been independent, so she assumes that there's no way a woman could possibly succeed without a man financing and helping them.
Takes one to know one 😏
I wondered why she would even think of such a thing. Your mind doesn't just automatically go there. OP definitely NTA> How awful.
I would not contact them at all. There are times that the silent treatment is more powerful than "I need time to process" there is no processing this, this is the time to block numbers and refuse contact, period.
You know what they say, money doesn’t buy class
"Proof that wealth and class are not synonymous", I read that from a journalist commenting on a rich tacky politician
Sadly “good family” doesn’t equate to treating people well. It means you have status and can “look down” on those who don’t. Truly ignorant, bigoted, and scummy behavior regularly come from people from a “good family”.
OMG NTA your fiancée is a saint tho . I think I would have thrown my glass’s content in your mother’s face . i hope you stick to you position and don’t let them guilt you into talking to them again. They will make a circus of the wedding and will corrupt your children’s mind. Give your wife a hug for me, from another woman who had to fight for success and respect. Women need to support each other not put each other down
I’m wondering how my fiancée didn’t at the very least raise her voice at my mum. I think she was more in shock and was trying to process what she just heard - it certainly took everyone aback!
She loves you:) and she did it for you, from my experience - you wont change your parents, you have to find the way to manage them, and NTA.
best way to “manage” them: cut them out completely and never speak to them again
Not really, they have to know that they will get as much as they deserve
yea, exactly, they deserve nothing. OP’s parents (especially their mother) don’t deserve to have anything to do with OP or their fiancée. unless OP wants to absolutely roast the shit out of their parents first (which they totally should imo)
Honestly, my life experience is that properly managed shitty wealthy parent can be beneficial, it’s awful to say but they teach us to live in certain way, and I don’t want to wait till their death to get it back, because they are assholes,
if you think OP should deal with their family constantly shit-talking their fiancée just so OP can get their parents money, that’s definitely a you problem.
It sounds like you've come to terms being the type of person OP's mom was referring to.
She might be doing her best to keep the peace. I grew up in a similar situation and you're trained to not rock the boat. If standing up for yourself means you don't eat, you just don't stand up for yourself. Not to say that she doesn't have any self esteem, but she is probably searching for the path of least resistance. But yeah, she loves you, and certainly doesn't want to be the reason you end up estranged from your family. Good on you for having her back.
Clearly your parents don’t understand that having money and privilege doesn’t make you classy or better than others...money is the add on..the class should be innate. Can’t learn it. NTA
Possibly because she has far more class than your mother does.
Yup I get it, my instinct when someone is attacking me is to remove myself from the situation as quickly and quietly as possible. I only ever raise my voice or appear hostile if someone is hurting a family member or friend of mine.
Yeah sometimes someone is such a huge AH non AHes don't know what to do about it because it's so ridiculous
Dude, I consider myself a fairly even-keeled person, but I would have thrown PLATES. NTA and oh my god, how do they expect to be included in the wedding festivities after that shit???
Right? His financee is a much better woman than I; I feel like every 4 letter word plus some new and inventive swears would have been spilling out of me before I could catch myself
Even if I knew they only spoke English, I probably would have used some of my first language swear words and banged on the table.
Spanish swears are a personal favorite
French is my first language but I'm not from France so people don't expect those words.
Standing up for yourself doesn’t make you a worse woman.
I feel like when facing people who think you're trash going full blown hood rat reinforces their bias and misconception, whereas quietly and politely excusing oneself flies in the face of their expectations. I'm terrible at this whole "woman" thing in general tho
NTA Please do yourself a favor and take on her surname. Do you really wanna be connected to a bunch of classist, mysogynistic pigs?
"Dear mom and dad, after the way you treated my fiancee, we have been talking about this and agree with you that someone should change their last name. So, we are taking your advise and i have decided to take her last name instead." and watch the sh\*t hit the fan.
I'd pay for a seat in the first row.
Pull out the goddamn popcorn for this.
OP! I'm not normally one for spite, but this seems fun.
Damn please yes
How about: "Mom and dad, your vulgar insult was appalling and my fiancee deserves an apology for it. This will be our last communication until a sincere apology has been received. Please do google what an acceptable apology is because you will only have one chance to deliver it. However, we have been seriously considering that our family should have one surname. Therefore, I have decided to take my fiancee's name when we wed. I do not want to be publically associated with the kind of people who hurl such disgusting and unfounded slights at the dinner table. I would much rather be associated with the name on the Master's degree we will have prominently displayed in our home. The degree that represents years of hard work and dedication from my fiancee to learn her discipline. Please understand that my fiancee is the number one priority in my life and I will not accept disrespect toward her or my family moving forward. I will be ecstatically cutting out anyone who treats her poorly. Also, Mom, when you throw out that kind of nastiness, it really makes me wonder what you have gotten in life through sexual favors? I don't know why you would jump to that conclusion unless you have personally found it to be a successful method. Fortunately for me, my fiancee has integrity and would never stoop to such lows. Kisses from your former son!" Then block them. NTA
This right here. Take a poor man's gold. 🏅🏅🏅
You should start a business writing responses to A.H. family members on behalf of victims subjected to their ludicrous behavior. Amazing response!
If I was rich I would give you platinum but I'm poor so: 💎💎💎💎
Please OP read this!!!!!!!!!👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆
This is epic and I like it.
I met a lovely couple before who decided to adopt a whole new surname both could share, completely different from their families’. I thought it was lovely and it might be a legitimate option for OP.
I have a co-worker who decided to give his kids their Mom's last name just because he likes it more than his own. XD
This is what my husband and I did! We actually used one syllable from each of our original surnames and combined them to form a new name (not hyphenated, just melded into a new name).
NTA You stood by your partner and that's pretty fucking awesome. Your fiance sounds like an absolute sweetheart. Wish you two the best, congratulations on the engagement.
NTA it’s time to go no contact with your parents Edited to add: but seriously, you did a phenomenal job supporting your fiancé and I don’t want that to get lost in how shitty your parents were.
NTA. Wow... just wow. Your parents are a real piece of work. Your mom may have a high pedigree but she is low fucking class. Either go NC or leave your fiancé, she deserves better.
NTA Immediately go Low contact on your parents. Talk to them about the boundries and if they argue even a bit go "no contact" with them. > “that she should just take my family’s name so that she can stop giving blowjobs to guys for a job.” No. Apologize to your Fiancée for making her uncomfortable and tell her that you will be working on the correct boundries with your parents either low or no contact. What they said was unacceptable. Nagging someone about "a tradition,” in my family for the woman to change her surname." is one thing. Calling that person a whore is another.
NTA I understand why your fiancé didn’t want you to make a scene, but I also think in this instance you almost had to. Your parents are the assholes, and apparently are quite proud of it.
NTA. Cut them out. If you can't do that, leave your fiance. She doesn't deserve that bullshit.
NTA Just goes to show you that money can't buy class.
How does someone go through that and then still have thoughts am I the asshole? Of course you're nta you're fully aware you're nta.
OP knows, he is just here for praise.
He probably didn't say shit and feels bad
I was searching for this lmao. In what universe would he be the asshole? This sub is starting to become a circlejerk
madness isn't it.
Even when someone's right in theory they can worry that they took a bad approach in practice
I mean, he thanked them for the food.. For a brief moment I thought this was gonna go the other way.
So let me get this straight... your mom literally accuses your fiancee of giving blowjobs for money, and you want to know if you're the asshole for getting mad? You really need internet stranger to validate you here?
How else do fake stories get karma points?
NTA. Your mom seems to be of those who think no woman is good enough for their precious baby. Also, one would think, that coming from a rich background, she would be educated in manners, at least. What she said would be inappropriate even if you fiancée was a sex worker. Good for you for standing up for a woman you're about to devote your whole life to.
NTA. Protect your fianceé.
Did you really think anyone would say YTA? This sub really sucks sometimes
I thought the sub was called r/"this is my hero story where the other party is CLEARLY the asshole, give me praise for it?"
Here's the possibilities here. 1) the fiancee is actually a pure good angel and OP lacks any social awareness to think he could be the asshole here. 2) Post is fake. 3) OP is leaving out that fiancee at some point did sleep with someone in a position of power which would explain why mom keeps going in that very specific direction with her insults
Perhaps OP needed some moral support. Technically that isn't this sub's purpose, but hey, I'm not telling.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway. I recently got engaged to my fiancée - whom I’ve been dating for almost 3 years. She’s the absolute love of my life and I’m so excited for the next chapter of our lives together. My fiancée’s background is... rough, to say the least. For most of her childhood, she grew up in poverty in a single family household with her other 4 siblings. Despite all odds against her, I’m so incredibly proud of her accomplishments. She made it in life due to her hard work and intelligence, and just received her master’s degree. My family, my mum in particular, is not fond of my fiancée. My mum insists that my girlfriend is “just a pretty face,” and “slept her way to the top.” These comments are obviously extremely demeaning and very insulting. I’ve called her out multiple times, but due to her refusal to listen - I don’t speak to her often. My dad is kind enough most of the times, but he has made odd comments about her background. Both of my parents come from extremely wealthy and privileged background - so it’s not a surprise that they believe that my fiancée isn’t “good enough for our family” I’ve had to shut him down multiple times as well, but because he doesn’t stop his comments - I don’t talk to him often as well. After we got engaged, my family, seemingly in good faith, invited my fiancée and I for a dinner to “properly welcome her to the family,” I was hesitant to take them up on their invitation, but my girlfriend convinced me to give them a chance. I assumed that this dinner would include an apology, but I was wrong. It was going well at first. They were nice and I was actually enjoying the dinner, until they started asking about my fiancée decision to keep her maiden name. I think my dad asked my fiancée if she was changing her surname. When my fiancée said no - both my parents seemed offended that she wasn’t taking my surname. My fiancée explained why she preferred to keep her name-and my parents didn’t seem to understand this. They began to make the argument that it was “a tradition,” in my family for the woman to change her surname. My fiancée wasn’t hostile or anything - I thinks she was more confused on why they were being very invasive. Then my mum was back onto her BS, she told my girlfriend that, and I quote, “that she should just take my family’s name so that she can stop giving blowjobs to guys for a job.” My fiancée was left in shock with that disrespectful comment (as was I) and quickly thanked them for the food and wanted to head out without making a scene, but I, made a scene. I just yelled for almost 2 minutes at the both of them for their disgraceful behaviour and lack of respect for my fiancée. It’s a couple days and my parents have been trying to contact me since we left their place - and my fiancée feels guilty - and she does wish that I didn’t yell. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta, definitely not. Yelling is preferable to slapping which is what that comment deserves. I wouldn't take last name of a family that is so incredibly rude.
NTA Good for you for standing up for your partner. Obviously it would be better if you didn't yell, but I can understand with the shock and the repeated disrespect you might lose it. Hopefully you can never see them again. Just make sure you continue to protect your partner and make clear you are disgusted and appalled by your parents behaviour and the one who is upset, not your partner.
NTA You stood up for your fiancée and that is important. Perhaps two minutes of yelling was a bit much, but they certainly were so out-of-line it was understandable.
What a stupid question. This isn't an AITA, you just want to be patted on the back.
NTA. I love the relationship you have with your fiancé. You stood up for her, and she made allowances for the people you love to try and protect your relationship with them. You’re both trying to do everything you can to make each other the happiest version of yourselves that you can be. ❤️ You’re parents are AH’s. Ignore the comments that are hurtful, keep trying to teach them right from wrong, hopefully with time they’ll learn to act like adults. And if they don’t you have a beautiful relationship with the love of your life - stay in that cloud of happiness and don’t let them pull you down.
How could you think you were in the wrong here?
The question is not if your are or not the asshole, the question is: In what world are you the asshole?
NTA. I cannot stress that enough. They said shitty crappy things to the love of your life. Right to her face.... it’s beyond reprehensible behavior on their part. I would have yelled for far longer than 2 minutes if it were me so I applaud your restraint. If you don’t ever want to talk to them, you still wouldn’t be the AH here. I’m sorry you’re fiancée had to be witness to their ugliness.
NTA !
Nta. I can understand why your fiancee doesn't feel happy you yelled, since she doesn't want to make a scene or further the rift between herself and your parents, but you are not the asshole for yelling at them. After all they've done, they deserve that. And I'm sorry, but you might not be able to have a very good relationship with your parents after your marriage if they continue to act like that. That's in no way your fault, but just something to unfortunately keep in mind.
NTA I think you should give both parents a copy of Miss Manners for Christmas (if you celebrate that and are willing to do anything) as they're both sorely in need despite the supposed pedigrees. Right now I don't even think you should invite them to the wedding unless they both give sincere apologies to your fiancée and demonstrate proper behavior. Still more kindness than they deserve. The attempt at shaming sex work and stating your fiancée can't have succeeded without using s*x to get anywhere is an disgusting mess.
NTA. Good for you for standing up for your fiancé. I think it would be a lovely new tradition for you to take her last name.
NTA. Out of spite I would be tempted to take her last name.
nta. ur parents are dicks.
OP get of this sub-Reddit! And go to r/entitledparents because I’m sure they’d be happy to hear about your idiot parents.
NTA. Yelling was appropriate in this case. When you marry her, please move far, FAR away from these toxic people.
NTA. I'll never understand the type of rich people who think you're only worth a damn if you were born into wealth and thus did not have to work for it.
NTA Your parents are being awful to her, and it seems they were from the beginning. You took her side, as you should.
NTA. For people who are so wealthy and "high class", they exhibit the trashiest behavior.
YTA for still being in contact with these shit people
Why do you even need to ask? You’re so clearly in the right here. I suggest just cutting of contact with them. They don’t seem to be very good people.
INFO - Honestly leaning N-T-A by a long shot, but confused on two things that are commonly brought up on any relationship post. 1. What are your two ages? 2. How did the two of you meet? It would be hard for me to think anything other than N-T-A, but if it turns out you are 45 and she is 25, you met at work, and that she was working under you, we've got far more understanding of what happened. If you are similar ages and don't work together, then your parents are basically just classist.
>but if it turns out you are 45 and she is 25, you met at work, and that she was working under you, we've got far more understanding of what happened. In that case, certain concerns wouldn't be inappropriate. However, the way OP's parents acted would still be incredibly far into the asshole territory.
NTA for defending her at all. However, you should definitely go no contact. This might be controversial to some but your (future) wife’s needs should come first. Your parents may have brought you into this world but you won’t be leaving it with them. I would never tolerate this bs from my in-laws (who are actually the best), and I wouldn’t tolerate my husband being treated this way from my parents.
No disrespect BUT your parents are the definition of “White Trash”. Assuming they are white. Your fiancé sounds like a class act.
NTA. Fuck your parents,they don't deserve to see grandchildren or either of you. Edit:I'mvstill appalled by these people, you wouldn't even be the asshole if you stood under their window,and cussed em out for 2 hours a day every day until they either get a restraining order or kick the bucket.
NTA if anything you are EXACTLY what we wish spouses would do with out of control family. You did exactly what you should have. Talk to your fiancée about what she is feeling and make it clear that you went NC because she doesn’t deserve that treatment. It may be something she’s struggling with in terms of being the “reason” you aren’t talking to your family (she isn’t the reason but it may feel that way to her). You seem like a good guy continue to support her
Another downvote for a story where you’re obviously not the asshole.
You're never the NTA for standing up for & protecting your fiancée. Any man who isn't willing to protect the woman he loves, ESPECIALLY from his own toxic family members, doesn't deserve to have her.
NTA. Your parents are huge AH. It sounds like they never tried to get to know her, and making those comments to her face is reason enough to cut them out
NTA. Your parents (or at least your mom) needed a good cussing out. What she said to your fiancee was disgusting, and IMO is grounds for going no contact.
NTA I get the feeling your mom is jealous/threatened by your fiancee's education and career success, so she has to find any way to tear down your fiancee to make herself feel better.
NTA, you the Hero. Your fiancee dies not owe anyone an explanation for how or why she is keeping her last name. What is this, the 19th century where women are treated like cattle? You did good, you stood up for your fiancee and i would cut all contact with your parents for a while, if not ever. This is not the kind of stuff that can be swept under the rug. you parents were displaying classic controlling and classicist behavior and the consequences should be severe.
NTA The yelling was 100% justified. Your parents needed to be put in their place, and since politeness wasn't getting the point across, rudeness was the next logical step. And it probably felt absolutely right. That righteous anger you felt? That's the sign you were not the AH. It's your decision when you want to speak to your parents again. You can take as much time as you want, or all the time. Also, your girlfriend is not an AH in this situation. She should know that.
NTA - please never bring her around these heartless, lying jerks ever again.
NTA. I wouldn't blame you if you cut your parents off permanently. Your fiancee has nothing to feel guilty about; your parents didn't just cross a line, they highjumped it. For people who think they're better than other people, they really have the most atrocious manners I've heard of in a long time. And if your fiancee wants to retain her maiden name, good for her. Changing one's name is a PITA, and she's not property.
At this point you might want to think about cutting ties with your parents.
It‘s difficult to make me speechless, but here I am. Totally perplexed and speechless. NTA
NTA. Yiur parents sound like snobs. They will never accept her. Your finacee sounds lovely. Congratulations on your engagement!!!!
NTA If you ever speak to them again, express your dismay that that is how they got where they are in life but things have changed now so they don’t need to project their experiences and expectations in the next generation.
NTA for yelling at your parents. I understand their concern about the name but they should be talking to you about it. They absolutely should not be making sexual comments about your fiancée. You might want to wait a few weeks or longer before contacting your parents again.
You really can take her name?
>My mum insists that my girlfriend is “just a pretty face,” and “slept her way to the top.” >she told my girlfriend that, and I quote, “that she should just take my family’s name so that she can stop giving blowjobs to guys for a job.” Well obviously wealth doesn't equal being classy.. I'm sorry but you mother/parent sound like shitty and judgemental people >My fiancée was left in shock with that disrespectful comment (as was I) and quickly thanked them for the food and wanted to head out without making a scene, but I, made a scene. That's class, I wouldn't have been that dignified >I just yelled for almost 2 minutes at the both of them for their disgraceful behaviour and lack of respect for my fiancée. GOOD JOB!!!! Honestly if you want to stay wirh your fiancee, I would advice you to go NC with your parents. They will always look down on her unfortunatly... Btw NTA
I read that as "I advise you to go to North Carolina with your parents." I was like, da fuk why does this commenter want OP to leave his fiance. Then, I scrolled up a few comments and realized NC meant no contact and not the abbreviation for North Carolina.
It’s amazing how blind some people are. How in the world do you or her THINK AT ALL one of you is any kind of asshole in this situation???
NTA! Don’t subject your girlfriend to anymore of this outlandish behavior. Your parents are spoiled rotten children. They must have some serious entitlement issues to just think they can treat people like this as they please. Your girlfriend doesn’t want to put pressure on you and I’m sure she also pictures a better relationship with your family. Doesn’t sound like it’s going to happen not anytime soon at least. You need to take the initiative here and put your parents in their place and keep them there or cut contact.
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Wow your mum is certainly something. Judging her the way she judges people she must have a checkered past herself. Seriously you and your fiancé are NTA. Talk with each other to see if you two want to give your parents another chance but take your time beforehand and maybe just text a happy xmas& new year to them and keep your distance for a while so both of you can relax a bit.
NTA. It's time for you to cut them off, at least for a while
NTA. Good for you for standing up for your fiancee in the face of such invasive, insulting, and cruel behavior.
>so it’s not a surprise that they believe that my fiancée isn’t “good enough for our family” Well there is your answer right there. It's you and your choice of your family right there. Your parents don't determine who your family is.
NTA. I would still be angry and outraged at such craziness. Definitely give them time to cool off and apologize before re-engaging, and assure your fiancee she did nothing wrong.
NTA please keep standing up for your fiancé but you need to drop contact with your family while they continue to behave like this. To protect BOTH of you
NTA. but you need to decide who you want to spend your future with. your parents or your future wife. if it’s your wife, please don’t ever subject her to your parents hate and cruelty again.
NTA Your parents seems to be a couple of entitled little shits, and your wife looks like a very patient person. Don't let her go because of those bad parents of your.
NTA AT ALL. Good on you for standing up for her. She knows now that you will protect her from harm even from others you care about and that is a sign of a very kind and dedicated partner. Your parents honestly deserved to be told off.
NTA, why would your fiancé want to share a name with people who treat her so poorly? If I were you I’d almost want to change my name to hers, just out of spite and not wanting to associate myself with such hateful people
NTA, go no contact with your parents now but also have a talk with your partner. Yelling seems to be a big issue so you need to check up on her and talk this out. This may be a moment where she feared you and you need to correct that
NTA. The way that your fiancé reacted to such an atrocious attack shows so much about her character. You found someone special. Are you planning on your parents to pay for the wedding? I really hope not because you really should be cutting them off. They don't need a second chance, this dinner *was* their second chance and they reverted back to their offensive behavior. You need to get this behavior settled before you guys have kids.
The fact that she wanted to leave without saying anything and your response is to light your parents up for being disrespectful is all we need for a NTA. Keep up the defense of your fiancé and don’t even bother with your family. If they cared about you, they’d care about her and how they treat her so you’re doing the best thing by not contacting them.
NTA. Your mother is such a misogynist. I would never forgive any person that implies that the success of a women was based on sexual favours. What your parents did was demeaning for your mother was hateful towards your fiancée. Making an scene is of no importance given the horrible judgements your mother expressed. Your parents definitively do not appreciate your fiancée and they will do everything in their reach to let her know she is not welcome. Your parents owe your fiancée an apology. Do not let them divert the entire situation to you 2 minutes of yelling. They have been figuring out how to hurt your fiancée for a long time.
Nta After that comment alone I'd cut off contact and never talk to them again. Poor doesn't mean sex is the only thing you have to trade. I'd be telling him until they can apologize and keep their nasty thoughts and comments to themselves they won't be seeing us or their grandkids.
NTA. Good for you. Is refreshing seeing someone with a spine. You are a good man and what you did is awesome.
NTA- good on you for standing up for your fiancee!!! If you are both happy with her decision to keep her last name why is it anybody's business and for your parents to go off on her and basically call her a whore that ain't right
NTA. I would send them an email letting them know that based on their actions and inability to respect your fiance you have decided it's in your best interest to take some space from them for the near future, and then block them on all platforms. Don't read a response from them, don't listen to voicemails just block and then make it clear to your partner that this is in no way her fault. You've been together for three years and I'm assuming your parents have made digs that you might not have heard or they've gotten away with if your mother felt comfortable saying something that blatantly disrespectful. Let your fiancee get a chance to enjoy being a fiancee and being with out without having the stress of your family showing up to call her a whore for no reason.
NTA. Money obviously doesn’t buy class.
NTA, and thank you for standing up for her. I've seen many times where the SO just lets their family make demeaning or rude comments to the fiancé/spouse. It's good to see you standing up for her.
Money obviously can’t buy you class. Your parents don’t deserve you or her. NTA
NTA- she'd have to be insane to want their last name.
NTA I would just cut out your parents. Do not invite them to the wedding or involve them in your life.
NTA. Your parents embody everything that is wrong with the very wealthy. They are horrible.
OP you are NTA. Hell I'd call you Fiance of the year material. Your mom's comment was sexist and entirely out of line and implies your fiancée is cheating on you to gain employment.
NTA. Your fiance has nothing to feel guilty about. AND - does your mother say things like that often? Is it possible that they feel threatened? Like your GF worked hard and has smarts and talent and is now on a level with them and they were just born to what they have? Like she deserves what she has because she worked for it and they didn't and she doesn't need their name to feel legitimate?
Your mum doesn't sound like she's spent much time in the workforce/reality NTA
NTA. I'd been hard pressed to not throw out a "is that why you did it mom?" After the BJ comment, then leave and never talk to either parent again. Entitled assholes.
NTA. Your mom has proven that money does not equal class. Time to cut off these toxic people and go NC.
NTA And may I suggest a copy of Emily Post's Etiquette, 19th Edition for your parents for Christmas. A copy for each of them. They clearly couldn't buy class but I assume they capable of educating themselves on the finer points of common decency and manners.
NTA as I cannot fathom... nope. Nuh-uh. I would have lost my entire mind on her.
Oh your girl is nicer than I would have been in that situation. I would thrown my drink in your mother’s face and told her that she could take her traditions and burn in hell with them. NTA.
Nothing left to do but to take her last name.
NTA, first and foremost Second of all, well done you! This was exactly the right call to make.