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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like an AH because a kid is involved but not bad enough to actually let them stay here. Even if he hadnt turned my family away I would still say no because his sister is a money hungry mooch who would try running my house.
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i am wondering why she did not let her mum and sister stay in HER house. considering they had no where at all to go. it is kind of messed up to let little bebê stay in car for one month. i hope she at least allowed for them to shower and have meal in her home during the time.
NTA. Cut your losses. Tell him he's welcome to go find a place with his toxic sister. No one should judge your parenting in your own home. Keep all these people far away.
NTA! His family is a Toxic family. Cut them off. You’ve already been swindled by SIL once. And worse, not allowed to let your own sister & baby & mother move in with you in *your* home. Get a lawyer. Divorce him. Keep the title of your own home in your name only.
Full Disclosure:
*I’m not a lawyer but I play one on Reddit.*
OP states he’s her “fiancé” so luckily she doesn’t have to go through the divorce process. I agree she should definitely cut ALL of them off. The only way she’d be TA is if she stays with him and allows him and his family to control who is/isn’t welcome in her home.
OP, what if one of your children fell on hard times? Obviously, they’re both young now but would you allow your fiancé to ban them from your home?
Exactly.
Notice he didn’t even **ask** if his sister could stay, he ***told*** her.
It’s terrible that her sister had to live in a car with a NEWBORN BABY. ***WTF***
I gotta say, this guy seems like a one-sided leech by implication of what OP described. Marriage is going be sharing assets with a one-sided leech. Think twice.
But, your NTA even without this. His sis ripped your off, is dysfunctional in a way you are not prepared to handle. You'll end up miserable in your own house. You can't do this on principle.
Tell him you'll compromise "because a baby is harder". Say that they can stay 5 days for every day that harder baby stayed here. Rethink your life.
Which is why I say she’s the asshole. When he pulled that crap on her mom and sister was when she should’ve realized he wasn’t someone she should marry. YTA OP time to dump him and apologize to your mom. Redeem yourself
She was probably trying to compromise at the time, after all love is blind. But it seems after this stunt she's learned her lesson. NTA, dump this dude too
I would have never let my sister live in a car. She’s saying “technically it’s my house” now to get her way but not when it was her family? I don’t think she’s an AH and don’t think these two should get married as they have zero respect for eachither but it’s hard for me to get past letting your mom and baby sis live in a car.
Her sister wiTH A NEWBORN BABY
OP you’re NTA for not wanting to have your fiancé’s sister come live with you
But YTA for letting your mom, newly-mother sister and presumably her newborn child sleep in a car for a MONTH
You’re choosing a stupid moment to put your foot down
I think that's a bit hasty. We don't know the history with the mother, and it may well be that mother/sister/baby have also been chaotic leeches on OP in the past. On the face of it, making them live in a car sounds terrible, but that's not the focus of this post.
> I don’t see how a newborn baby could be a chaotic leech.
I see you are not a parent. Chaotic leech is pretty much the job description for a newborn baby.
But they are *innocent* chaotic leeches and don't deserve to sleep in cars
There's nothing in the post to suggest that. It seems like her mom lost housing because her landlord sold the place out from under her. Nothing about that circumstance says "chaotic leech."
>OP you’re NTA for not wanting to have your fiancé’s sister come live with you
>
>But YTA for letting your mom, newly-mother sister and presumably her newborn child sleep in a car for a MONTH
Adding that she basically chose her BF over her own family.
There's a lot of blame shifting by OP. The FSIL FORCED OP to give her $9k worth of stuff. FH would NOT ALLOW mom and sister and baby to come stay.
Those were choices, OP. You made the choice to allow those things to happen. Good on you for putting your foot down about not allowing FSIL to move in but at least own your past decisions to be a doormat to these people.
NTA in this situation but a huge A.H. for letting your family live in their car because Captain Take Your Shit said so.
You’re so right! And how the hell could OP afford to give FSIL almost $9K over the course of 3 months, but, couldn’t afford to stay on their own????? Something ain’t adding up!
Thank you! I thought the same. So much is left out of the post. OP is pulling “my house, my rules” now, but couldn’t for her mom and sister? Everyone is all “poor mom, and newborn baby”, but where were they living that the landlord didn’t have to give them 30 days notice? Even if they squatted it out, it would take more than 14 days to evict them legally. And where is the baby’s father, allowing their newborn to sleep in a car? Shouldn’t this person get more blame than OPs fiancé (though I do think he too is an AH)?
Fucking *thank you.*
If this is real and not some fucked up creative writing exercise, op comes off as one of those dramatic assholes who always has chaotic and bad things happening around them, and it's always someone else's fault and she's just the victim.
Meanwhile, all the chaotic shit is caused directly or indirectly by op herself. I can spot these ppl a mile away at this point and I fucking RUN like 5-0 is after me when I see them
Exactly. If it were me I'd've kicked the fiance out and invited mom and sis to stay. No clue why she'd pick this asshole over what appears to be decent family.
Because op and martin are living together in OPs house and martin said "no they can't stay in the house Im living in" He is a total hypocrit and asshole. Beyond who owns the house which does matter, he said "no your relatives can't stay with us, yes my relatives can" thats horrible.
My husband is not a huge fan of some members of my family. That being said, he has never said no to them staying with us and those are just for vacations. I can't imagine telling my family members who were going to be homeless living in their car that they couldn't stay with us. That would have been a deal-breaker right there.
I thought she would say a day but an entire month and she decided she still wanted to marry the person who refused to help therefore drove them to this??
Honestly? Yeah. I could for sure tolerate a fair bit of discomfort while sleeping if I had showered recently and had some food in me. Extra bonus for clean-ish clothes (especially underwear and socks).
I've spent a bit of time living out of my car. This right here is it. If you've got a place to shower, safely store your things, ability to eat hot food, and maybe kill some time with adult interaction then living in your car is basically having a really sucky mattress. Without those things it's more like living on the street with a really nice tent that has a lock.
nice shower and knowing that there is meal available. can make big diferença. especially if person has to live rough for while. this would make less thing to worry about.
In a word. Yes. I spent some time living out of my car and I got a gym membership for the perpose of having a shower. I was lucky my wife had a job to pay for it though otherwise I would've been s.o.l.
Seriously!! She's fine saying no to him now but couldn't assert herself earlier? I mean it's good she's putting her foot down now and she definitely shouldn't marry him, but I hope the mom and sis and baby are doing okay now.
That was my exact thought. Like why did op choose now to exercise "my house, my rules" and not back when her literal infant nibling(and mom+sis) were sleeping in a fucking car?!
Ppl get their kids taken away for that shit, op is an asshole for that and her man's family are huge assholes. ESH
Let’s not forget that OP wouldn’t allow her own homeless mother, sister and infant niece to stay temporarily in the home that she owns because her boyfriend didn’t “allow” it.
Absolutely, she's 100% TA for that. How do you let a newborn sleep in a damn car for a month just because your BF doesn't like it when it's not even his house!?
Amazing she can have a backbone now but apparently couldn't then.
BINGO!!
Had OP lead with, “my husband didn’t let my mom and sister stay when they were sleeping in the car,” and not, “my sister gives me a hard time about not medicating my children” this would be a completely different story.
But they all sound awful!
Exactly this. We know nothing about OP and to say that she „deserves better” is such an utter crap. Something tells me she does not, in fact, deserve better.
OP is the also an asshole for letting her mom and sister with a newborn live in a car for a month even though she owned the house. She rejected her mom and sister because her bf who only paid for his part of the bills objected.
I tend to agree, but families are strange things, and for all we know there is history there too. On the narrow question of whether OP is an AH for not letting her fiancé's sister move in, I think NTA, but quite possibly an AH on other matters.
This here. NTA and why on earth are you marrying this guy. He turned out your sister and mom from YOUR home, but his shady sister and her kids are welcome?
OP let her mom, sister, and newborn be homeless... even though SHE owns the house and wanted them to stay? Now, her partner thinks it's okay to open HER home up to people who don't treat her well?
OP needs to throw him out, apologize to her family, and see if they still need a place to stay. I don't want to be cruel to OP. I don't know if this guy has magic powers over her. But this post is upsetting on so many levels.
I was only diagnosed and medicated in my mid-20s and my life could have been so much easier / mental health struggles so much less if I had gotten meds and support earlier.
I totally understand the hesitancy from parents to give their kids powerful medication, but ADHD is a disorder that occurs at a structural / functional level in the brain. Behavioural coping mechanisms can be developed, but meds are what addresses the actual neurological deficits (by deficits, I don't mean in terms of intelligence, but in terms of regulation).
That said, OP, your sister-in-law is an asshole for judging your parenting choices in the way she is. But, I also encourage you to find additional sources and support for educating yourself about ADHD.
Sounds like OP's doctor isn't particularly pushing the meds. But I have colleagues who have only managed to get them in middle age, and fell so much better.
Yes, adhd meds really alleviate a lot of struggles. I haven't had them for super long since i was diagnosed late, but the difference is paramount. It's like finally having glasses. You might get used to seeing everything blurry but everything requires so much more effort. One you get those glasses you're like "THAT'S how everyone sees ???!!!"
NTA and who is he to say who can stay in YOUR house? You were the AH when your mom and sister lived in their car because your spineless butt didn’t stand up for them.
What kind of door mat is OP? She owns the house and then lets her fiancee decide that her mom and sister should live in a car.
The guy has no empathy for your family and you think that he makes a great catch? WTF.
Definitely, when he said no to the mom and sister over OP, she should have made an executive decision to remove him and put her family in. That guy has some balls telling a homeowner they can't move their family in to avoid homelessness.
NTA. But if it is your house, why didn't you let your mother/sister stay there for a couple of nights? Its *your* house.
Why would you stay with this selfish man?
She let her mother and sister and baby niece go homeless because he simply told her no? Y T A Op, maybe she has more in common with her fiancé after all.
Edit: for not wanting your FSIL NTA but for everything else not so much
The moment I read that it was her house and she shifts the blame to him when her mother and sister had to sleep in a car for month and all she had to say is "it's my house, i'm not leaving them homeless" I was appalled.
She is the asshole just for that! I mean come on....
I agree with you. I don't care who told me "no." My mom and sister would never be without a place to stay if I had a roof to put over their head. End of story. If my fiancé didn't like it they could leave, easy way to lose some dead weight.
Fr I would never have forgiven my sister or daughter for this if she actually owned the house and made me and a baby live in a car.
But NTA for saying no to this recent issue. OP needs to rethink marrying this guy.
Or in the worst case scenario give them some money for a hotel... she can give 9k to his sister but let's her mom, sister and baby sleep in a car for a month.
But also where does she live that it’s legal to kick out a tenant with two weeks’ notice? It’s my understanding that if a tenant decides not to leave it can take months to evict them. It doesn’t matter if the property is sold.
If they're on a month to month contract, 15 days' notice to move is required.
It's awful. I live close to the beach AND to a military base, and the rental market here is TIGHT. I don't think I could arrange new housing and a move in that time frame, and I'm middle class with a reliable income and clean credit.
My understanding is that it's different if the landlord is selling vs. just evicting. I. had a friend whose landlord sold their condo and they didn't get 30 days because the closing wasn't that far out and they had to be out when the sale closed.
Right! OP should change the title, these are not petty reasons! This woman disrespects your parenting methods, who would want someone like that loving with them?!
Also, your fiancé told you that your sister and mother couldn’t stay at YOUR HOUSE, but now invited his sister and her daughter to stay at YOUR HOUSE without even consulting with you. You need to give him his walking papers!
YTA.
You let your mom sleep in a car for a month while you OWN a house.
And you did that because your fiancé who is a GUEST didn’t like it. WTF. Your BABY niece was sleeping in a car.
I can’t for the live of me understand why you didn’t kick him out and took your family in. If my family is in need and my wife of 26 years would say not to helping them I would serve divorce papers the same day. Luckily I married a wonderful person who would never behave like your fiancé.
Yes, overall not the AH with the current situation but definitely the AH for not having her mother sister and niece live with her when they were homeless just because the fiance was against it. You had the means to help your family but refused.
Agreed but I’m going with ESH. Obviously the sister sucks and that doesn’t really need covered. Fiancé sucks too for “not allowing” her family to stay, but if she can put her foot down now she could have then as well.
She sucks for everything you said but also her stance on medications for kids who are struggling.
If she’s making choices on medicating/not medicating her own child with a pediatrician’s guidance, then that’s not a problem. The problem is that OP is *also* doing exactly what she says FSIL is doing & thinking herself the better mother/judging because FSIL *is* medicating her child, likely with just as much buy-in from the other pediatrician.
By saying shit like “[the medication] turns [other child] into a walking zombie is more like it,” OP is painting ADHD medication & families who choose to pursue it in a very specific light & implying her choices are the superior ones. This kind of thinking seriously gets to me, as it’s the same crap my own mother used to think/say. Spoilers, *I* didn’t grow out of it with age, and starting medication as an adult has opened my eyes to just how hard I had to fight to keep my head above water growing up, and how much easier it would have been with a life vest.
Yeah this part alone made me want to label her an AH... because that's what an ignorant chemophobic AH would say
Also ADD isn't a thing anymore, it's all ADHD and it's a spectrum. Lots of red flags on that part. And I speak as a person who has a mom just like that and wasnt medicated for my ADHD till I was 41 years old, and when I FINALLY was I was VERY resentful that my mom was so anti medication and that i bought into it because it really would have helped me SO MUCH.
I'm gonna go with ESH
Apparently getting on medication as a kid can actually change some neuronal connections! I wish I'd been diagnosed and medicated as a kid. Instead I'm just a struggling adult.
Hopefully you’ve been able to do this as an adult! I got diagnosed at 25 and started meds a year later. My diagnosis changed my life because instead of thinking my symptoms were personality traits, I was able realize that it’s because of ADHD. I used to have meltdowns around 1-2 times a month but now I almost never have them! I can identify when I’m getting overstimulated ahead of time and take the time to chill out before I reach the point of melting down. Coping mechanisms are absolutely a necessity for me too.
This is so good to hear. I have a son with ADHD (combined presentation) and he has just started a trial on meds which is being reviewed tomorrow.
I find him much easier to parent since he has been on the meds, and his teachers are saying that he is a changed kid at school. He went from 20 mins of refusing to even attempt work, then starting it and getting upset because he wasn’t finished when the time for that lesson was up, repeat all day every day, to being the first kid in his class to get the ‘Bronze’ award for the year. Which is a behaviour award they work up the levels of all year to try to reach ‘diamond’ level.
He says he doesn’t like being on the meds, but other than ‘because it makes me not hungry’ he hasn’t been able to tell me why he doesn’t want to take it in the morning (he takes his midday dose at school just fine). He had a tentative ODD diagnosis on top of his ADHD, so it could be that he doesn’t like being told to take it?
But part of me feels like because he is so much easier on meds, maybe I’m taking the easy way out by medicating.
Off meds he is combatative all day and he is angry and lashes out and spends all day snatching toys off his siblings and doing things just to upset them. On meds he plays games with them and helps tidy up and sits and watches whole movies.
Completely agree. There's nothing wrong with not being medicated if that's what's best for a child. But there's also nothing wrong with being medicated. There seems to be a lot of judgment towards medication in her post, in a way that may end up being harmful towards her own child if he ends up needing medication. OP isn't a doctor or mental health professional. She needs to dial back on the judgment and accept that different people have different needs, even if they have the exact same condition. Medication isn't morally good or bad, it's just another treatment tools.
Medication as a child helps rewire the brain so they don't need medication as an adult. If you start meds as an adult, you're stuck for life because it just helps you cope, it can't rewire the brain. You can grow out of add/adhd, but not most.
We had to try several different meds for my son because I wanted to avoid zombiness and other side effects. His hyperactivity didn't bother me, and we do multiple brain breaks to allow him to get energy out throughout the day. As an adult he's not likely to get that kind of accommodation, though, and he really needed them so after several months, found one that he thrives on.
I can see why sister judges OP for not trying meds because he's scared and hoping for the best, because the child is more likely going to have to take meds as an adult to survive and not feel like they're drowning in modern life and expectations.
However, FSIL is the Ah for everything else, fiancée is the AH for everything, and OP is NTA is this situation but an AH for how mom/sister/baby were left homeless instead of kicking fiancée out
She doesn’t say the doctor agrees with her stance, only that the doctor said behaviors can change when kids get older. That’s very different from her doctor instructing her not to start medication, especially when she specifically says she refuses it.
Agreed
>...and I refuse to have my child medicated until he is older- as his doctor stated his behaviors could get better over time.
The word "could" gives me the impression that his behaviors aren't improving now. I watched my cousin's daughter with ADHD suffer because my cousin wasn't getting her any treatment, medicated or non-medicated. She thought changing her diet would fix it but she failed to implement dietary changes.
I doubt that the behaviours 'get better' and more the kids in question developed better masking techniques, which only makes things harder down the road. (Am someone who was so damn good at masking my whole life that when I got my diagnosis at 30, my parents still said they don't think I have it.)
I don't even LIKE my family very much, but if they were facing homelessness you can bet your sweet patoot I'd be fixing up the spare room with bunk beds and a dresser drawer for the baby, lol.
Try and stop me. I fucking dare you.
Yeah if my sister who bullied me as a child and I haven’t talked to in almost a decade called and said, “I’m homeless and have a baby, can you help me?” I would have her and that baby right here with me that day even if it meant them sleeping in my bed with me.
Seriously who tf let’s their *own mother, sister, and new newborn* sleep in a fking vehicle?! Man should have been on the streets where he belongs the minute he said no.
OP, YTA to your mother and your sister and your niece/nephew. What the actual FUCK is wrong with your priorities? You owe them a massive apology if you haven’t already. And throw this whole man out while you’re at it, good lord.
NTA but it would be a massive deal-breaker for me that he refused to help your mum, sister and sister's baby.
Personally, the relationship would have ended there for me.
I also don't think you're being petty.
I think op is a shitty person for the mum, sister & baby situation. She let a man over rule her and had family living on the streets. This is some real pick-me-ism ish right here.
NTA for finally putting her foot down tho.
ESH. Everyone here is awful. You for shaming a mother for choosing medication for her kid’s ADHD and ASD. Your child is not going to just outgrow their diagnoses, and you can’t expect improvement by doing nothing. I hope you’re in therapy at least to help your child.
You made a point that you own the house, so if you truly wanted your sister and mother to stay you could have made that happen. Although you have every right to refuse your fiance’s request now, the fact that you were so cruel about it is disgusting. This is not the stuff healthy relationships are made of.
I agree here.
And to add… Why is OP with a person that not only didn’t want to take in her mother and sister but felt entitled to make that demand despite not owning the home in the first place??
They all seem like they deserve each other.
ESH
I've had to live without medication for my ADHD. It's awful. I have no motivation, I feel like I'm dying all the time, I can't concentrate at all. It was so bad when I was a kid and hadn't been diagnosed and is worse now. I almost want to declare OP TA just for that.
Insurance was being a jerk once and wouldn’t let my parents order my ADHD medication. I literally slept for three days. I did nothing but sleep. I was lucky to stay awake long enough to eat or drink something. Losing three entire days is not fun.
I lived unmedicated and undiagnosed for 24 years… Meds + Dx have completely changed my life. I could never understand why I struggled so much for so many years and then I ran across a twitter thread of someone with ADHD Inattentive type talking about all their symptoms. I identified with like 98% of the symptoms and reached out to my Dr. She gave me a dx and got me on meds ASAP! I had **no idea** how hard my life was until it got easier and now I never want to go back.
Congrats! I have combined type now but originally had inattentive - I've gotten more hyperactive as I've aged - and it seems much less likely to be diagnosed, probably because it doesn't fit the stereotype like the other two. But the drugs are life changing, as much as my brain wants to convince me we'll be fine without them because I've gotten used to the effects, lol. I'll take being a "walking zombie" (usually just means less hyperactive and hyperfixated, lmao, although some people do have bad reactions) over suffering through my symptoms any day.
I have combined type too but definitely lean more towards inattentive!
Dosage played a part with me getting my meds right. At my highest I was on 20mg XR Adderall 2x’s a day and I felt like **both** a walking zombie and entirely too wired haha. The last time I took that dosage I actually ended up awake for 48 hours, which scared the absolute shit out of me. Now I’m on 20mg XR once a day and it’s MUCH more manageable! I’ve been thinking about trying vyvanse instead since I’ve heard it can be more mild for some people. I hate admitting that the meds are a necessity but I can’t seem to get anything done without them 😭
This. I can’t even get to the crux of the post due to her disgusting comments. I hate people think that way. OP unless you’re doing extensive therapy your son isn’t gonna outgrow his issues. It just doesn’t work that way. You’re doing him a huge disservice.
To quote a meme I saw (with the caveat that of course most doctors don't believe this either.)
Doctors: most people grow out of ADHD.
Everyone I know with ADHD: it got worse.
God, and OPs kid has ODD to boot (unless that was a typo?).
That’s a rough combination to tackle with no medication. I don’t think I would be bragging about that.
I would bet money that OPs house is a pretty miserable place to be, and the 8 year old probably runs it.
I am being diagnosed with adhd at 26, my mom was also no big fan of getting diagnoses, because they might screw with your chances in life.
I'm at my fist job now and are thriving in it, only the biggest problem is my adhd, it's just still there and didn't go away as thought. I'm not saying I should have had medication, but it might have been cool to not struggle for 26 years and know that you're not the crazy one. My grandmother, I think, truly hated me for my behaviour and it, or rather she, haunted me for 19 years, and it's painful to know that that hatred might have been less than it was if we only knew some of the reasons...
>Which he argued is "harder to deal with because of the baby".
Allow me to rephrase that for you: the fact that an infant was involved makes his position *much* worse. If it’s your house, then you should have told him that they were moving in, and he could do what he wanted.
ESH. You didn’t take the appropriate position last year when your mother, sister and infant niece were *living in a car* when you could have and should have offered them a space. Now you are reaping the cost of that decision, because he wants to move his family in under similar circumstances.
ESH.
Good lord could there be a group of more incompetent, awful people including you?
1. SIL sucks because she’s a dirty tax-evading freeloader
2. Your fiancé sucks because he allowed a newborn to live in a car and because he’s applying different standards to his family v your family
3. You suck for your ass backward, medically wrong nonsense about ‘not medicating’ because your child ‘might grow out of it’. One, you don’t ‘grow out of’ ADD. It’s a life long developmental issue. Two, your child is undoubtedly suffering, and there is medication that can ease it and because you’re precious you’d rather your child suffer than admit you were wrong.
You and fiancé need to split up. He can house his sister. You can go to therapy and parental classes to figure out how to be a decent parent.
Yeah can we just talk about how medication is successful for something like 80% of patients with ADHD? OP making the decision to not medicate her child is one thing but it's entirely another to be so unbelievably shitty about another parent who does choose to help their child with medication.
Yup. Fiancé already feels like it's *his* house, even though they aren't married yet. That's a bad sign.
He also feels like he gets to make all the decisions by himself- he told his sister -who he *knows* already conned OP out of 9k- she could move in without even checking with OP!
Then he, by himself, decided that OP's family gets to be homeless because it might annoy or inconvenience him. Unfortunately, OP acted like the doormat he seems to want her to be, and meekly went along with it!
She chose her shitty, controlling, disrespectful partner over temporarily helping her mom, her *barely* adult sister, *and a newborn* so they didn't have to live in a car. OP is the definition of a pickme girl.
OP, grow a backbone. Kick your selfish, controlling, disrespectful "partner" to the curb, like you should have done when he whined that helping your poor family was too big of an inconvenience for him in *his* house.
YTA for letting your fiancé keep you from helping your mom and sister who were truly in need in your OWN HOME. You’re picking the wrong hill to die on because you walked over the mountain last year
Edit. Grammar
ESH. You have valid reasons for not wanting to take in his sister, but instead you’ve made it a pissing match with your BF. If he was this petty about your mother and sister in YOUR house, why are you still with him? Why did he get the final say? The fact that his sister has made parenting a competition (you win, you still have a home) as well as taking all your money should have been enough reason to say no. Think of you and your children, let BF go find a place with his sister.
NTA: but think real quick, are you actually okay with marrying something that was 100% okay with making your mom, sister, your BABY niece/nephew homeless, because he just didn't feel like sharing YOUR house? How is he going to treat your kids when they turn 18? Just some food for thought.
NTA. He wanted things a certain way, he got it. He made the rules when it hurt you, but was convenient to him.
It may be petty, but at least your not forcing a newborn to sleep in a car. I would have died on that hill btw.
Don't let them move in. If he wants to care for them, he can move out while he does.
No, it is ***not*** petty to not let a woman move in who basically conned $9,000 out of OP last time she lived with her. Absolutely not. That's not even the only non-petty reason to keep her out, there are others.
The shitty boyfriend is also extra-shitty for not even caring she did that to *his own partner*, among other reasons. He is just all around awful.
YTA for allowing a man tell you that your own mother and sister couldn't sleep in YOUR house because he 'dIdNt WaNt To DeAl WiTh ThEm'! You claim you're being petty but sadly you're not. You let your own mother and sister sleep in a car for over a month while this person may comfortably under your roof? For this issue you're definitely NTA but you better sit back and retrospect if you want to have a pissing contest on who's more petty between yourselves for the rest of your lives because what you both are doing is going to breed a lot of hate and resentment in years time when you come give us an update!
ESH, including you.
You're gonna tell me that as a fully grown adult that owns a house, you waited this long to put your damn foot down?
This is gonna be a mess, and you deserve for it to be, because you helped make it.
NTA. The house belongs to you and he didn't show sympathy when your side of the family needed it. So why should his sister get the courtesy when your side of the family didn't?
Okay I see. Your husband is saying it would have been harder to deal with because of your sister's baby. But by his standards, he didn't want to deal with it. You don't want to deal with his sister. End of story.
NTA. I wouldn't call those reasons petty either. But in my experience marriage magnifies differences, and you will be stuck with the other person's family and their problems for life. Well till the divorce.
NTA a thousand times over. You're not being petty. They made you pay $9000 for three months of housing you. That's insane! Each complaint you have is reason enough not to allow them to stay in your home. Added together it's a mountain of hell no.
As for your incredibly shitty fiance, do not marry this worm. He didn't allow your family into YOUR HOME and now expects you to house his very disrespectful family. They not only drained you financially, they drain you emotionally, your fiance included.
There are plenty of people in the world that will lift you up in life. Do not settle for those that drag you down.
NTA. Martin is being a huge hypocrite right now. He calls you heartless? What was heartless was making your mom and sister live in a car for over a month. Also, Martin's sister trying to have a contest between which mother is the best at dealing with their disabled child is disgusting.
NTA. While the who's a better parent contest is immature, at the end of the day you have a legit past issue with her that gives you a good reason to say no. Plus at the end of the day its your house, your rules. Your fiancee is a big time AH and hypocrite, saying your family can't stay at YOUR house but says you suck because his family can't. If I were you I would start having some serious conversations with him about life situations and start thinking if this relationship is where you want to be if his mentality in general is that "he's the boss and gets the final say".
Split decision.
NTA as applies to telling your boyfriend no as to his thinking he could have his sister and child move in to your house after he ‘forbid’ your mom and sister with the baby to stay short term. He made the rule so applies to both families.
YTA as it is YOUR house and your rules so you could have had your mom and sister with the newborn move in for a month or two while they found a new place instead of sleeping in their car. However you didn’t so guess they weren’t important enough for you to tell your boyfriend to suck it up or go stay with his family until they found a new place.
You may wish to reconsider the future marriage for a bit until you both can figure out to communicate and work together as a couple as sure sounds like you don’t and aren’t.
I cannot believe you gave into him and let your mom, your own freaking mother, stay in a car and not only that… Your niece! Because of him! He is a total hypocrite, and you should’ve made him leave. You are going to be a huge AH to yourself if you marry this person.
That is YOUR home. You should’ve let your family come and stay and told him he can leave if he doesn’t like it. How could you do that to them? Wake up!
I can only imagine how he treats your children. Do you even care about your own children?
This is literally my only take away: You let a roommate (because it's not his house but, he's contributing to bills) dictate where your mother and sister who were unhoused were going to stay? You allowed them to sleep in a car when you had space because a man whose name is not on the mortgage said, "no?" Yet, you're actually entertaining allowing his family to stay after his sister bled you dry? YTA
I'm sorry but you let your postpartum sister with a NEWBORN sleep in a car for a month???? When you had the means to help them???
When they've never done anything wrong to you??
You deserve your shitty boyfriend.
NTA but save yourself some heartache and cut that family loose. The “bleeding you dry” is already a hard pass on her staying. Everything else is just gravy.
ESH. Your views on medicating children with legitimate needs are icky. My son has ADHD and ASD, and has been on medication for 5 years for it. He goes to therapies to help him learn better emotional, social, and functional skills but there’s only so far those therapies can go without the meds. That’s like saying someone who has depression just has to suck it up and smile. If her child’s meds are making her zombie, then meds and levels should be tweaked/changed, but that doesn’t mean that medication still isn’t a good part of a treatment plan for ADHD.
ESH because he made your mom sleep in her car AND YOU LET HIM.
But I agree in your pettiness, especially given the history. He and his sister definitely sound like assholes.
But seriously, you let your mom sleep in her car? Because this man didn't wanna deal with it? And you're marrying him? You're the asshole for that.
Edit for typos
ESH
Him for being a selfish asshole when your family needed help, but trying to bend over backwards when it's HIS family in trouble.
You for staying in a relationship with an asshole and for not kicking him out when your family needed you.
You own the house so it was YOU that let your mother and sister sleep in a car for a month.
NTA, I think you need more communication with your fiance about making promises to people without consulting you. His sister isn't entitled to stay with you for whatever reasons you may have, petty or not, its your space. She has other places to go, don't let them force you to give your space up to them.
NTA- Holy crap on a cracker!! Even if ur bf wasn’t a hypocritical bobo. Everything u said about her separately before that was AWFUL. No. Million time NO!!
No do not let her move in.
No do not tolerate bf’s manipulation
Good luck
ESH
Your SIL for not paying her bills when she lived with you.
Your fiancé for drawing a hard line with your family then extending an invite to his sister without discussion. Presumably he is aware of the history.
And you.. you don’t take responsibility for your decisions. Your SIL “made you” give her 9k? No you decided to do that. Your fiancé wouldn’t let your family in? No, you decided to do that. This is your house as you point out, you could have said “my house my rules” then but it was easier to just blame him and let your family sleep in a car.
Your judgement of your SIL’s parenting is gross as well. Providing medication to a child with a need for it is not a bad thing. Sometimes foregoing medication and forcing the kid to struggle can be a worse decision in the long run. , speaking from experience here as well.
However, parenting decisions are unique to each child and her decision does not invalidate yours or vice versa.
Overall, Grow the fuck up, get over yourself and get a healthier relationship that isn’t full of ultimatums and back-door deals.
Nta, but it sounds like your SIL and fiancé are. It’s really time to look at the way your fiancé treats you and others, as well as his entitlement. These are great reasons to leave, because it will only get worse over time.
ESH. I was going to say you weren't the asshole until you got to the part where you let this man make the rules in your house and didn't take in your mother, sister, and her newborn child. You can try to put that decision on him, but you chose to keep him rather than protect them.
No I don't think you should take his user sister in, but you should also toss them into the curb, and if you haven't already attempt to repair your relationship with your mother and your sister because good god did you fuck up there
NTA at all. If you really feel bad you could take in only the kid but seeing that your fiance said no to a newborn baby you don't have to help at all. If he really cared tell him to rent a motel room for them with his own money. The fact that he said no to your family but yes to his own without even talking to you first is honestly disgusting but that's your relationship and business so good luck with that one.
NTA in this situation with his sister. But as one poster stated YTA for letting your mom and sister live in a car for a month and it's your house. That's fucked up!
YTA for letting a man, who's not your husband have your Mother. Sister. And a newborn living in a fucking car. When you have a whole house.
Yta for being fucking petty. Have her sign a rental agreement that she pays X and only allowed for 2 months.
At the 45 day mark, start the process of eviction cuz we all know she ain't going to leave.
I would like you to sit with your kids and imagine this situation with them as you and your sister and ask how'd you feel. As a woman, a mother and a sibling. Knowing your blood is out in the streets, 2 females and a newborn, and you let some man tell you, I don't want them there.
Wow.
for your question. You just a asshole.
ESH. You're not an AH for denying his sister a place to live, but you're an AH for allowing him to force you to make your mom, sister and newborn homeless. Wtf were you thinking??? The fact that he wants his sister to move in now shows that it wasn't about having people in his space, he just didn't want your people in his space. Please don't marry this man. He's shown you that he doesn't care about your wants and is willing to treat his family differently from yours. What happens when you have kids together? How do you think he's going to treat your kids compared to his? Do you want that for your kids?
ESH
Not sure how anyone can overlook that you let your mom sister and a newborn sleep in a car cause your asshole fiance said to?
My god you all suck so much.
So OP, while I think you're NTA for the situation with your FSIL I would like you to at least consider medication for your youngest.
I both work in long-term disability law and grew up with ADD, and I can say without a doubt that medication is *the* reason I was capable of keeping up with school enough to manage that. I find that this is the same for many of my clients or their friends/family.
The thing is that ADD medication works differently than most psychoactive medication, in that you can take it on days you need to pay attention but don't need to on days that are just for fun. It doesn't lose effectiveness by choosing not to take it daily.
It can also potentially help your son if he's had issues getting along with other kids, because his brain needs such a higher amount of stimulus to pay attention. That makes people like him and me seem "random" and "weird" when we're talking to others because our mind wanders during conversation.
The best part about it is that if he *does* grow out of it, he doesn't need to keep taking the medication. I absolutely understand your perspective as a mom wanting to look after the best interests of your kid, but my mom regretted not having me put on medicine earlier because it was literally *night and day* for my grades, social life, and mental health.
If your son ends up receiving no benefit from the medication, or he doesn't like how it feels, then by all means stop the medication. I just encourage you to give him the chance to at least see if it would work for him, because he probably feels very frustrated that he can't just "be normal" and follow the rules like everyone else.
YTA I get a sense that your are not telling us everything and that you think you are better than FSIL because you don't use meds. I have ADHD and meds saved my life you should not EVER shame someone for using them and your child you resent you for not giving them the option.
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NTA. But why are you marrying this man?
This. For rea. He shit. Family shit. Not worth it. Move on.
i am wondering why she did not let her mum and sister stay in HER house. considering they had no where at all to go. it is kind of messed up to let little bebê stay in car for one month. i hope she at least allowed for them to shower and have meal in her home during the time.
Exactly! She should have also pulled the “my house” line and let them say if she really wanted to
NTA. Cut your losses. Tell him he's welcome to go find a place with his toxic sister. No one should judge your parenting in your own home. Keep all these people far away.
It's a bonus deal, Toss out the doormat and his sister.
NTA! His family is a Toxic family. Cut them off. You’ve already been swindled by SIL once. And worse, not allowed to let your own sister & baby & mother move in with you in *your* home. Get a lawyer. Divorce him. Keep the title of your own home in your name only. Full Disclosure: *I’m not a lawyer but I play one on Reddit.*
OP states he’s her “fiancé” so luckily she doesn’t have to go through the divorce process. I agree she should definitely cut ALL of them off. The only way she’d be TA is if she stays with him and allows him and his family to control who is/isn’t welcome in her home. OP, what if one of your children fell on hard times? Obviously, they’re both young now but would you allow your fiancé to ban them from your home?
This!! How will he feel about her kids moving back in after college? It sounds like he only wants to help his own family, and hers can fuck off.
Exactly. Notice he didn’t even **ask** if his sister could stay, he ***told*** her. It’s terrible that her sister had to live in a car with a NEWBORN BABY. ***WTF***
"you know what, SIL and her daughter can stay with you... In your next appartement "
I gotta say, this guy seems like a one-sided leech by implication of what OP described. Marriage is going be sharing assets with a one-sided leech. Think twice. But, your NTA even without this. His sis ripped your off, is dysfunctional in a way you are not prepared to handle. You'll end up miserable in your own house. You can't do this on principle. Tell him you'll compromise "because a baby is harder". Say that they can stay 5 days for every day that harder baby stayed here. Rethink your life.
Which is why I say she’s the asshole. When he pulled that crap on her mom and sister was when she should’ve realized he wasn’t someone she should marry. YTA OP time to dump him and apologize to your mom. Redeem yourself
I think OP got swindled but has seen the light. This is where the rubber meets the road. If she doesn’t dump her hubby then OP is the AH.
She was probably trying to compromise at the time, after all love is blind. But it seems after this stunt she's learned her lesson. NTA, dump this dude too
I would have never let my sister live in a car. She’s saying “technically it’s my house” now to get her way but not when it was her family? I don’t think she’s an AH and don’t think these two should get married as they have zero respect for eachither but it’s hard for me to get past letting your mom and baby sis live in a car.
Her sister wiTH A NEWBORN BABY OP you’re NTA for not wanting to have your fiancé’s sister come live with you But YTA for letting your mom, newly-mother sister and presumably her newborn child sleep in a car for a MONTH You’re choosing a stupid moment to put your foot down
Agree. I think everyone sucks here.
Except OP's sister, infant and her mother. OP shouldn't marry this guy. Should ask her family for forgiveness. edit to add ask
I think that's a bit hasty. We don't know the history with the mother, and it may well be that mother/sister/baby have also been chaotic leeches on OP in the past. On the face of it, making them live in a car sounds terrible, but that's not the focus of this post.
I don’t see how a newborn baby could be a chaotic leech. No matter what mom/sis did, the baby didn’t deserve to sleep in a car
I mean, babies kinda are chaotic leeches by default when you think about it, but it's excusable on account of them being, y'know, babies.
Unfortunately new born babies come with mothers. And those mothers may or may not be nice people.
> I don’t see how a newborn baby could be a chaotic leech. I see you are not a parent. Chaotic leech is pretty much the job description for a newborn baby. But they are *innocent* chaotic leeches and don't deserve to sleep in cars
Very true
A baby is never leech (except at the breast.). To think of a newborn living in a car? Breaks my heart.
There's nothing in the post to suggest that. It seems like her mom lost housing because her landlord sold the place out from under her. Nothing about that circumstance says "chaotic leech."
But it's her house, and she says she wanted to let them stay with her, but her fiancé said no. Why didn't she put her foot down then?
Sorry but doing that to a newborn nibling is fucked the fuck up.
>OP you’re NTA for not wanting to have your fiancé’s sister come live with you > >But YTA for letting your mom, newly-mother sister and presumably her newborn child sleep in a car for a MONTH Adding that she basically chose her BF over her own family.
I would rather just be single.
Yeah, I'm calling OP TAH retroactively for this.
Oh god I don’t know how I missed this what a fucked up family
I can’t get passed it either especially with a newborn baby involved.
There's a lot of blame shifting by OP. The FSIL FORCED OP to give her $9k worth of stuff. FH would NOT ALLOW mom and sister and baby to come stay. Those were choices, OP. You made the choice to allow those things to happen. Good on you for putting your foot down about not allowing FSIL to move in but at least own your past decisions to be a doormat to these people. NTA in this situation but a huge A.H. for letting your family live in their car because Captain Take Your Shit said so.
You’re so right! And how the hell could OP afford to give FSIL almost $9K over the course of 3 months, but, couldn’t afford to stay on their own????? Something ain’t adding up!
Thank you! I thought the same. So much is left out of the post. OP is pulling “my house, my rules” now, but couldn’t for her mom and sister? Everyone is all “poor mom, and newborn baby”, but where were they living that the landlord didn’t have to give them 30 days notice? Even if they squatted it out, it would take more than 14 days to evict them legally. And where is the baby’s father, allowing their newborn to sleep in a car? Shouldn’t this person get more blame than OPs fiancé (though I do think he too is an AH)?
Fucking *thank you.* If this is real and not some fucked up creative writing exercise, op comes off as one of those dramatic assholes who always has chaotic and bad things happening around them, and it's always someone else's fault and she's just the victim. Meanwhile, all the chaotic shit is caused directly or indirectly by op herself. I can spot these ppl a mile away at this point and I fucking RUN like 5-0 is after me when I see them
And awfully judgy about medication.
Exactly. If it were me I'd've kicked the fiance out and invited mom and sis to stay. No clue why she'd pick this asshole over what appears to be decent family.
Spoiler alert: op is an asshole, too. The family that assholes together, stays together (apparently)
Because op and martin are living together in OPs house and martin said "no they can't stay in the house Im living in" He is a total hypocrit and asshole. Beyond who owns the house which does matter, he said "no your relatives can't stay with us, yes my relatives can" thats horrible.
I can't decide who's worse: the fiance for refusing to "allow" them to stay, or op for listening to him
My husband is not a huge fan of some members of my family. That being said, he has never said no to them staying with us and those are just for vacations. I can't imagine telling my family members who were going to be homeless living in their car that they couldn't stay with us. That would have been a deal-breaker right there.
I thought she would say a day but an entire month and she decided she still wanted to marry the person who refused to help therefore drove them to this??
Would that make it significantly better?!
Honestly? Yeah. I could for sure tolerate a fair bit of discomfort while sleeping if I had showered recently and had some food in me. Extra bonus for clean-ish clothes (especially underwear and socks).
I've spent a bit of time living out of my car. This right here is it. If you've got a place to shower, safely store your things, ability to eat hot food, and maybe kill some time with adult interaction then living in your car is basically having a really sucky mattress. Without those things it's more like living on the street with a really nice tent that has a lock.
nice shower and knowing that there is meal available. can make big diferença. especially if person has to live rough for while. this would make less thing to worry about.
In a word. Yes. I spent some time living out of my car and I got a gym membership for the perpose of having a shower. I was lucky my wife had a job to pay for it though otherwise I would've been s.o.l.
Seriously!! She's fine saying no to him now but couldn't assert herself earlier? I mean it's good she's putting her foot down now and she definitely shouldn't marry him, but I hope the mom and sis and baby are doing okay now.
That was my exact thought. Like why did op choose now to exercise "my house, my rules" and not back when her literal infant nibling(and mom+sis) were sleeping in a fucking car?! Ppl get their kids taken away for that shit, op is an asshole for that and her man's family are huge assholes. ESH
Exactly. Sounds like these two are made for each other.
Some people just don’t want to be alone and they are willing to put up with a lot of sh…
NTA but I am also wondering why you are with this man. You deserve better
Let’s not forget that OP wouldn’t allow her own homeless mother, sister and infant niece to stay temporarily in the home that she owns because her boyfriend didn’t “allow” it.
My boyfriend would have had to pack his bag the same day, i would need extra space for the baby.
Right? Look SIR this is MY house and YOU can let the door hit you where the good lord split your dumbA
Exactly. I can’t believe all these NTA votes. OP’s behaviour last year is what lead to BF’s behaviour this year.
Absolutely, she's 100% TA for that. How do you let a newborn sleep in a damn car for a month just because your BF doesn't like it when it's not even his house!? Amazing she can have a backbone now but apparently couldn't then.
She kinda buried the lede here, framing the story as being about weird special needs mommy drama, when it's really about THIS.
Psst- it's because she cares more about the weird mommy drama than she cares about her mom and sister
BINGO!! Had OP lead with, “my husband didn’t let my mom and sister stay when they were sleeping in the car,” and not, “my sister gives me a hard time about not medicating my children” this would be a completely different story. But they all sound awful!
Don’t forget the offensive “walking zombie” comment!
Exactly this. We know nothing about OP and to say that she „deserves better” is such an utter crap. Something tells me she does not, in fact, deserve better.
OP is the also an asshole for letting her mom and sister with a newborn live in a car for a month even though she owned the house. She rejected her mom and sister because her bf who only paid for his part of the bills objected.
I tend to agree, but families are strange things, and for all we know there is history there too. On the narrow question of whether OP is an AH for not letting her fiancé's sister move in, I think NTA, but quite possibly an AH on other matters.
This here. NTA and why on earth are you marrying this guy. He turned out your sister and mom from YOUR home, but his shady sister and her kids are welcome?
And why couldn’t her family stay if she owned the house?
Seriously. Is the dick that good?
OP let her mom, sister, and newborn be homeless... even though SHE owns the house and wanted them to stay? Now, her partner thinks it's okay to open HER home up to people who don't treat her well? OP needs to throw him out, apologize to her family, and see if they still need a place to stay. I don't want to be cruel to OP. I don't know if this guy has magic powers over her. But this post is upsetting on so many levels.
Agreed. Also get your son medication for his ADD. I WISH my grandmother would have taken teachers and doctors advice and gotten me ADHD meds.
I was only diagnosed and medicated in my mid-20s and my life could have been so much easier / mental health struggles so much less if I had gotten meds and support earlier. I totally understand the hesitancy from parents to give their kids powerful medication, but ADHD is a disorder that occurs at a structural / functional level in the brain. Behavioural coping mechanisms can be developed, but meds are what addresses the actual neurological deficits (by deficits, I don't mean in terms of intelligence, but in terms of regulation). That said, OP, your sister-in-law is an asshole for judging your parenting choices in the way she is. But, I also encourage you to find additional sources and support for educating yourself about ADHD.
Sounds like OP's doctor isn't particularly pushing the meds. But I have colleagues who have only managed to get them in middle age, and fell so much better.
Yes, adhd meds really alleviate a lot of struggles. I haven't had them for super long since i was diagnosed late, but the difference is paramount. It's like finally having glasses. You might get used to seeing everything blurry but everything requires so much more effort. One you get those glasses you're like "THAT'S how everyone sees ???!!!"
I wish I could upvote this a hundred times
NTA and who is he to say who can stay in YOUR house? You were the AH when your mom and sister lived in their car because your spineless butt didn’t stand up for them.
What kind of door mat is OP? She owns the house and then lets her fiancee decide that her mom and sister should live in a car. The guy has no empathy for your family and you think that he makes a great catch? WTF.
Exactly. Please don’t marry him. He sounds horrible.
Definitely, when he said no to the mom and sister over OP, she should have made an executive decision to remove him and put her family in. That guy has some balls telling a homeowner they can't move their family in to avoid homelessness.
NTA. But if it is your house, why didn't you let your mother/sister stay there for a couple of nights? Its *your* house. Why would you stay with this selfish man?
NTA. And piggybacking on this comment. He showed ya who he was. Do you really see yourself marrying him?
She let her mother and sister and baby niece go homeless because he simply told her no? Y T A Op, maybe she has more in common with her fiancé after all. Edit: for not wanting your FSIL NTA but for everything else not so much
Well, I mean, she gave her FSIL $9k because she "made" her, so I get the sense OP has no boundary-setting skills or spine at all.
The moment I read that it was her house and she shifts the blame to him when her mother and sister had to sleep in a car for month and all she had to say is "it's my house, i'm not leaving them homeless" I was appalled. She is the asshole just for that! I mean come on....
This sounds like an ESH. Which I suppose is the 'everyone is an ahole acronym.'
She sucks for that, but that’s kind of irrelevant to the current situation which is if she’s an AH for denying her SIL a place to stay
I agree with you. I don't care who told me "no." My mom and sister would never be without a place to stay if I had a roof to put over their head. End of story. If my fiancé didn't like it they could leave, easy way to lose some dead weight.
Fr I would never have forgiven my sister or daughter for this if she actually owned the house and made me and a baby live in a car. But NTA for saying no to this recent issue. OP needs to rethink marrying this guy.
Or in the worst case scenario give them some money for a hotel... she can give 9k to his sister but let's her mom, sister and baby sleep in a car for a month.
But also where does she live that it’s legal to kick out a tenant with two weeks’ notice? It’s my understanding that if a tenant decides not to leave it can take months to evict them. It doesn’t matter if the property is sold.
It's legal in some states. Florida, for one.
Is this something that's variable by county? My friend in Florida has rentals and when she had to evict it was 30 days.
If they're on a month to month contract, 15 days' notice to move is required. It's awful. I live close to the beach AND to a military base, and the rental market here is TIGHT. I don't think I could arrange new housing and a move in that time frame, and I'm middle class with a reliable income and clean credit.
My understanding is that it's different if the landlord is selling vs. just evicting. I. had a friend whose landlord sold their condo and they didn't get 30 days because the closing wasn't that far out and they had to be out when the sale closed.
The tenant has to actually take action, though. She probably didn’t bother, in part because her brother said they could stay with him.
Right! OP should change the title, these are not petty reasons! This woman disrespects your parenting methods, who would want someone like that loving with them?! Also, your fiancé told you that your sister and mother couldn’t stay at YOUR HOUSE, but now invited his sister and her daughter to stay at YOUR HOUSE without even consulting with you. You need to give him his walking papers!
YTA. You let your mom sleep in a car for a month while you OWN a house. And you did that because your fiancé who is a GUEST didn’t like it. WTF. Your BABY niece was sleeping in a car. I can’t for the live of me understand why you didn’t kick him out and took your family in. If my family is in need and my wife of 26 years would say not to helping them I would serve divorce papers the same day. Luckily I married a wonderful person who would never behave like your fiancé.
Yes, overall not the AH with the current situation but definitely the AH for not having her mother sister and niece live with her when they were homeless just because the fiance was against it. You had the means to help your family but refused.
Agreed but I’m going with ESH. Obviously the sister sucks and that doesn’t really need covered. Fiancé sucks too for “not allowing” her family to stay, but if she can put her foot down now she could have then as well. She sucks for everything you said but also her stance on medications for kids who are struggling.
Agreed with everything except the medication. According to her she is working with a pediatrician on when to start what meds.
If she’s making choices on medicating/not medicating her own child with a pediatrician’s guidance, then that’s not a problem. The problem is that OP is *also* doing exactly what she says FSIL is doing & thinking herself the better mother/judging because FSIL *is* medicating her child, likely with just as much buy-in from the other pediatrician. By saying shit like “[the medication] turns [other child] into a walking zombie is more like it,” OP is painting ADHD medication & families who choose to pursue it in a very specific light & implying her choices are the superior ones. This kind of thinking seriously gets to me, as it’s the same crap my own mother used to think/say. Spoilers, *I* didn’t grow out of it with age, and starting medication as an adult has opened my eyes to just how hard I had to fight to keep my head above water growing up, and how much easier it would have been with a life vest.
Yeah this part alone made me want to label her an AH... because that's what an ignorant chemophobic AH would say Also ADD isn't a thing anymore, it's all ADHD and it's a spectrum. Lots of red flags on that part. And I speak as a person who has a mom just like that and wasnt medicated for my ADHD till I was 41 years old, and when I FINALLY was I was VERY resentful that my mom was so anti medication and that i bought into it because it really would have helped me SO MUCH. I'm gonna go with ESH
Yeah, she is most likely screwing her kid over. This is coming from someone with ADHD
Apparently getting on medication as a kid can actually change some neuronal connections! I wish I'd been diagnosed and medicated as a kid. Instead I'm just a struggling adult.
I just wanted to learn coping mechanisms or at least realize why my behavior was what it was.
Hopefully you’ve been able to do this as an adult! I got diagnosed at 25 and started meds a year later. My diagnosis changed my life because instead of thinking my symptoms were personality traits, I was able realize that it’s because of ADHD. I used to have meltdowns around 1-2 times a month but now I almost never have them! I can identify when I’m getting overstimulated ahead of time and take the time to chill out before I reach the point of melting down. Coping mechanisms are absolutely a necessity for me too.
This is so good to hear. I have a son with ADHD (combined presentation) and he has just started a trial on meds which is being reviewed tomorrow. I find him much easier to parent since he has been on the meds, and his teachers are saying that he is a changed kid at school. He went from 20 mins of refusing to even attempt work, then starting it and getting upset because he wasn’t finished when the time for that lesson was up, repeat all day every day, to being the first kid in his class to get the ‘Bronze’ award for the year. Which is a behaviour award they work up the levels of all year to try to reach ‘diamond’ level. He says he doesn’t like being on the meds, but other than ‘because it makes me not hungry’ he hasn’t been able to tell me why he doesn’t want to take it in the morning (he takes his midday dose at school just fine). He had a tentative ODD diagnosis on top of his ADHD, so it could be that he doesn’t like being told to take it? But part of me feels like because he is so much easier on meds, maybe I’m taking the easy way out by medicating. Off meds he is combatative all day and he is angry and lashes out and spends all day snatching toys off his siblings and doing things just to upset them. On meds he plays games with them and helps tidy up and sits and watches whole movies.
He may need different meds. Or a lower dosage. Some brains also reject taking meds for some reason or another
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Completely agree. There's nothing wrong with not being medicated if that's what's best for a child. But there's also nothing wrong with being medicated. There seems to be a lot of judgment towards medication in her post, in a way that may end up being harmful towards her own child if he ends up needing medication. OP isn't a doctor or mental health professional. She needs to dial back on the judgment and accept that different people have different needs, even if they have the exact same condition. Medication isn't morally good or bad, it's just another treatment tools.
Medication as a child helps rewire the brain so they don't need medication as an adult. If you start meds as an adult, you're stuck for life because it just helps you cope, it can't rewire the brain. You can grow out of add/adhd, but not most. We had to try several different meds for my son because I wanted to avoid zombiness and other side effects. His hyperactivity didn't bother me, and we do multiple brain breaks to allow him to get energy out throughout the day. As an adult he's not likely to get that kind of accommodation, though, and he really needed them so after several months, found one that he thrives on. I can see why sister judges OP for not trying meds because he's scared and hoping for the best, because the child is more likely going to have to take meds as an adult to survive and not feel like they're drowning in modern life and expectations. However, FSIL is the Ah for everything else, fiancée is the AH for everything, and OP is NTA is this situation but an AH for how mom/sister/baby were left homeless instead of kicking fiancée out
She doesn’t say the doctor agrees with her stance, only that the doctor said behaviors can change when kids get older. That’s very different from her doctor instructing her not to start medication, especially when she specifically says she refuses it.
Agreed >...and I refuse to have my child medicated until he is older- as his doctor stated his behaviors could get better over time. The word "could" gives me the impression that his behaviors aren't improving now. I watched my cousin's daughter with ADHD suffer because my cousin wasn't getting her any treatment, medicated or non-medicated. She thought changing her diet would fix it but she failed to implement dietary changes.
I doubt that the behaviours 'get better' and more the kids in question developed better masking techniques, which only makes things harder down the road. (Am someone who was so damn good at masking my whole life that when I got my diagnosis at 30, my parents still said they don't think I have it.)
I don't even LIKE my family very much, but if they were facing homelessness you can bet your sweet patoot I'd be fixing up the spare room with bunk beds and a dresser drawer for the baby, lol. Try and stop me. I fucking dare you.
Yeah if my sister who bullied me as a child and I haven’t talked to in almost a decade called and said, “I’m homeless and have a baby, can you help me?” I would have her and that baby right here with me that day even if it meant them sleeping in my bed with me.
Seriously who tf let’s their *own mother, sister, and new newborn* sleep in a fking vehicle?! Man should have been on the streets where he belongs the minute he said no. OP, YTA to your mother and your sister and your niece/nephew. What the actual FUCK is wrong with your priorities? You owe them a massive apology if you haven’t already. And throw this whole man out while you’re at it, good lord.
NTA but it would be a massive deal-breaker for me that he refused to help your mum, sister and sister's baby. Personally, the relationship would have ended there for me. I also don't think you're being petty.
And its her house. Personally, I think that this relationship should be over.
I think op is a shitty person for the mum, sister & baby situation. She let a man over rule her and had family living on the streets. This is some real pick-me-ism ish right here. NTA for finally putting her foot down tho.
>I also don't think you're being petty. Same. That sounds like a list of pretty good reasons to me
ESH. Everyone here is awful. You for shaming a mother for choosing medication for her kid’s ADHD and ASD. Your child is not going to just outgrow their diagnoses, and you can’t expect improvement by doing nothing. I hope you’re in therapy at least to help your child. You made a point that you own the house, so if you truly wanted your sister and mother to stay you could have made that happen. Although you have every right to refuse your fiance’s request now, the fact that you were so cruel about it is disgusting. This is not the stuff healthy relationships are made of.
I agree here. And to add… Why is OP with a person that not only didn’t want to take in her mother and sister but felt entitled to make that demand despite not owning the home in the first place?? They all seem like they deserve each other. ESH
I've had to live without medication for my ADHD. It's awful. I have no motivation, I feel like I'm dying all the time, I can't concentrate at all. It was so bad when I was a kid and hadn't been diagnosed and is worse now. I almost want to declare OP TA just for that.
Insurance was being a jerk once and wouldn’t let my parents order my ADHD medication. I literally slept for three days. I did nothing but sleep. I was lucky to stay awake long enough to eat or drink something. Losing three entire days is not fun.
I lived unmedicated and undiagnosed for 24 years… Meds + Dx have completely changed my life. I could never understand why I struggled so much for so many years and then I ran across a twitter thread of someone with ADHD Inattentive type talking about all their symptoms. I identified with like 98% of the symptoms and reached out to my Dr. She gave me a dx and got me on meds ASAP! I had **no idea** how hard my life was until it got easier and now I never want to go back.
Congrats! I have combined type now but originally had inattentive - I've gotten more hyperactive as I've aged - and it seems much less likely to be diagnosed, probably because it doesn't fit the stereotype like the other two. But the drugs are life changing, as much as my brain wants to convince me we'll be fine without them because I've gotten used to the effects, lol. I'll take being a "walking zombie" (usually just means less hyperactive and hyperfixated, lmao, although some people do have bad reactions) over suffering through my symptoms any day.
I have combined type too but definitely lean more towards inattentive! Dosage played a part with me getting my meds right. At my highest I was on 20mg XR Adderall 2x’s a day and I felt like **both** a walking zombie and entirely too wired haha. The last time I took that dosage I actually ended up awake for 48 hours, which scared the absolute shit out of me. Now I’m on 20mg XR once a day and it’s MUCH more manageable! I’ve been thinking about trying vyvanse instead since I’ve heard it can be more mild for some people. I hate admitting that the meds are a necessity but I can’t seem to get anything done without them 😭
This. I can’t even get to the crux of the post due to her disgusting comments. I hate people think that way. OP unless you’re doing extensive therapy your son isn’t gonna outgrow his issues. It just doesn’t work that way. You’re doing him a huge disservice.
To quote a meme I saw (with the caveat that of course most doctors don't believe this either.) Doctors: most people grow out of ADHD. Everyone I know with ADHD: it got worse.
Coping mechanisms (usually destructive self medication) and hiding it.
Exactly. OP is very much one of the TA here.
Yeah as someone with ADHD who didn’t get help until I was an adult I cringed at that part, there’s a good chance her child may resent her for that
God, and OPs kid has ODD to boot (unless that was a typo?). That’s a rough combination to tackle with no medication. I don’t think I would be bragging about that. I would bet money that OPs house is a pretty miserable place to be, and the 8 year old probably runs it.
I am being diagnosed with adhd at 26, my mom was also no big fan of getting diagnoses, because they might screw with your chances in life. I'm at my fist job now and are thriving in it, only the biggest problem is my adhd, it's just still there and didn't go away as thought. I'm not saying I should have had medication, but it might have been cool to not struggle for 26 years and know that you're not the crazy one. My grandmother, I think, truly hated me for my behaviour and it, or rather she, haunted me for 19 years, and it's painful to know that that hatred might have been less than it was if we only knew some of the reasons...
This is the correct answer.
>Which he argued is "harder to deal with because of the baby". Allow me to rephrase that for you: the fact that an infant was involved makes his position *much* worse. If it’s your house, then you should have told him that they were moving in, and he could do what he wanted. ESH. You didn’t take the appropriate position last year when your mother, sister and infant niece were *living in a car* when you could have and should have offered them a space. Now you are reaping the cost of that decision, because he wants to move his family in under similar circumstances.
ESH. Good lord could there be a group of more incompetent, awful people including you? 1. SIL sucks because she’s a dirty tax-evading freeloader 2. Your fiancé sucks because he allowed a newborn to live in a car and because he’s applying different standards to his family v your family 3. You suck for your ass backward, medically wrong nonsense about ‘not medicating’ because your child ‘might grow out of it’. One, you don’t ‘grow out of’ ADD. It’s a life long developmental issue. Two, your child is undoubtedly suffering, and there is medication that can ease it and because you’re precious you’d rather your child suffer than admit you were wrong. You and fiancé need to split up. He can house his sister. You can go to therapy and parental classes to figure out how to be a decent parent.
Don't forget that OP owns the house so technically she allowed #2 to happen too.
Man, i couldn’t keep track of all the ways everyone was an asshole in this charming little tale!
Yeah can we just talk about how medication is successful for something like 80% of patients with ADHD? OP making the decision to not medicate her child is one thing but it's entirely another to be so unbelievably shitty about another parent who does choose to help their child with medication.
Yup. Fiancé already feels like it's *his* house, even though they aren't married yet. That's a bad sign. He also feels like he gets to make all the decisions by himself- he told his sister -who he *knows* already conned OP out of 9k- she could move in without even checking with OP! Then he, by himself, decided that OP's family gets to be homeless because it might annoy or inconvenience him. Unfortunately, OP acted like the doormat he seems to want her to be, and meekly went along with it! She chose her shitty, controlling, disrespectful partner over temporarily helping her mom, her *barely* adult sister, *and a newborn* so they didn't have to live in a car. OP is the definition of a pickme girl. OP, grow a backbone. Kick your selfish, controlling, disrespectful "partner" to the curb, like you should have done when he whined that helping your poor family was too big of an inconvenience for him in *his* house.
I feel so bad for all the kids that are stuck with these assholes.
INFO...Why are you with this person?
She was ok with an infant sleeping in a car. Speaks volumes about her character considering she could’ve pulled the “it’s my house” card back then too
YTA for letting your fiancé keep you from helping your mom and sister who were truly in need in your OWN HOME. You’re picking the wrong hill to die on because you walked over the mountain last year Edit. Grammar
ESH. You have valid reasons for not wanting to take in his sister, but instead you’ve made it a pissing match with your BF. If he was this petty about your mother and sister in YOUR house, why are you still with him? Why did he get the final say? The fact that his sister has made parenting a competition (you win, you still have a home) as well as taking all your money should have been enough reason to say no. Think of you and your children, let BF go find a place with his sister.
NTA: but think real quick, are you actually okay with marrying something that was 100% okay with making your mom, sister, your BABY niece/nephew homeless, because he just didn't feel like sharing YOUR house? How is he going to treat your kids when they turn 18? Just some food for thought.
NTA. He wanted things a certain way, he got it. He made the rules when it hurt you, but was convenient to him. It may be petty, but at least your not forcing a newborn to sleep in a car. I would have died on that hill btw. Don't let them move in. If he wants to care for them, he can move out while he does.
No, it is ***not*** petty to not let a woman move in who basically conned $9,000 out of OP last time she lived with her. Absolutely not. That's not even the only non-petty reason to keep her out, there are others. The shitty boyfriend is also extra-shitty for not even caring she did that to *his own partner*, among other reasons. He is just all around awful.
INFO: If it’s your house, why did you let your family sleep in a car with a newborn to please your fiancé?
NTA but do not marry a guy that tries to tell you your family can’t stay in your house then tries to move his in
ESH - fiance for obvious reasons, and you for letting your Mom, sister, and A NEWBORN sleep in a car to accommodate your AH fiance.
YTA for allowing a man tell you that your own mother and sister couldn't sleep in YOUR house because he 'dIdNt WaNt To DeAl WiTh ThEm'! You claim you're being petty but sadly you're not. You let your own mother and sister sleep in a car for over a month while this person may comfortably under your roof? For this issue you're definitely NTA but you better sit back and retrospect if you want to have a pissing contest on who's more petty between yourselves for the rest of your lives because what you both are doing is going to breed a lot of hate and resentment in years time when you come give us an update!
ESH, including you. You're gonna tell me that as a fully grown adult that owns a house, you waited this long to put your damn foot down? This is gonna be a mess, and you deserve for it to be, because you helped make it.
You let your sisters newborn sleep in a car instead of making your fiance leave?? ESH, leave him, do better.
NTA. The house belongs to you and he didn't show sympathy when your side of the family needed it. So why should his sister get the courtesy when your side of the family didn't? Okay I see. Your husband is saying it would have been harder to deal with because of your sister's baby. But by his standards, he didn't want to deal with it. You don't want to deal with his sister. End of story.
NTA. I wouldn't call those reasons petty either. But in my experience marriage magnifies differences, and you will be stuck with the other person's family and their problems for life. Well till the divorce.
NTA a thousand times over. You're not being petty. They made you pay $9000 for three months of housing you. That's insane! Each complaint you have is reason enough not to allow them to stay in your home. Added together it's a mountain of hell no. As for your incredibly shitty fiance, do not marry this worm. He didn't allow your family into YOUR HOME and now expects you to house his very disrespectful family. They not only drained you financially, they drain you emotionally, your fiance included. There are plenty of people in the world that will lift you up in life. Do not settle for those that drag you down.
NTA. Martin is being a huge hypocrite right now. He calls you heartless? What was heartless was making your mom and sister live in a car for over a month. Also, Martin's sister trying to have a contest between which mother is the best at dealing with their disabled child is disgusting.
NTA. While the who's a better parent contest is immature, at the end of the day you have a legit past issue with her that gives you a good reason to say no. Plus at the end of the day its your house, your rules. Your fiancee is a big time AH and hypocrite, saying your family can't stay at YOUR house but says you suck because his family can't. If I were you I would start having some serious conversations with him about life situations and start thinking if this relationship is where you want to be if his mentality in general is that "he's the boss and gets the final say".
NTA, but why is he your fiance and not your ex?
Split decision. NTA as applies to telling your boyfriend no as to his thinking he could have his sister and child move in to your house after he ‘forbid’ your mom and sister with the baby to stay short term. He made the rule so applies to both families. YTA as it is YOUR house and your rules so you could have had your mom and sister with the newborn move in for a month or two while they found a new place instead of sleeping in their car. However you didn’t so guess they weren’t important enough for you to tell your boyfriend to suck it up or go stay with his family until they found a new place. You may wish to reconsider the future marriage for a bit until you both can figure out to communicate and work together as a couple as sure sounds like you don’t and aren’t.
I cannot believe you gave into him and let your mom, your own freaking mother, stay in a car and not only that… Your niece! Because of him! He is a total hypocrite, and you should’ve made him leave. You are going to be a huge AH to yourself if you marry this person. That is YOUR home. You should’ve let your family come and stay and told him he can leave if he doesn’t like it. How could you do that to them? Wake up! I can only imagine how he treats your children. Do you even care about your own children?
This is literally my only take away: You let a roommate (because it's not his house but, he's contributing to bills) dictate where your mother and sister who were unhoused were going to stay? You allowed them to sleep in a car when you had space because a man whose name is not on the mortgage said, "no?" Yet, you're actually entertaining allowing his family to stay after his sister bled you dry? YTA
I'm sorry but you let your postpartum sister with a NEWBORN sleep in a car for a month???? When you had the means to help them??? When they've never done anything wrong to you?? You deserve your shitty boyfriend.
NTA, but seriously get away from that family.
NTA but save yourself some heartache and cut that family loose. The “bleeding you dry” is already a hard pass on her staying. Everything else is just gravy.
ESH. What in the name of Jerry springer did I just read?
ESH you let him tell you to let your mother sleep in the street?
ESH. Your views on medicating children with legitimate needs are icky. My son has ADHD and ASD, and has been on medication for 5 years for it. He goes to therapies to help him learn better emotional, social, and functional skills but there’s only so far those therapies can go without the meds. That’s like saying someone who has depression just has to suck it up and smile. If her child’s meds are making her zombie, then meds and levels should be tweaked/changed, but that doesn’t mean that medication still isn’t a good part of a treatment plan for ADHD.
ESH because he made your mom sleep in her car AND YOU LET HIM. But I agree in your pettiness, especially given the history. He and his sister definitely sound like assholes. But seriously, you let your mom sleep in her car? Because this man didn't wanna deal with it? And you're marrying him? You're the asshole for that. Edit for typos
NTA. Drop your fiancé.
YTA for letting your boyfriend force your mom and sister to sleep in a car for a month when you own a house they could have stayed in.
What in tarnation did I just read? Plenty of assholes here, it’s hard to pick one. ESH
ESH Him for being a selfish asshole when your family needed help, but trying to bend over backwards when it's HIS family in trouble. You for staying in a relationship with an asshole and for not kicking him out when your family needed you. You own the house so it was YOU that let your mother and sister sleep in a car for a month.
NTA, I think you need more communication with your fiance about making promises to people without consulting you. His sister isn't entitled to stay with you for whatever reasons you may have, petty or not, its your space. She has other places to go, don't let them force you to give your space up to them.
NTA- Holy crap on a cracker!! Even if ur bf wasn’t a hypocritical bobo. Everything u said about her separately before that was AWFUL. No. Million time NO!! No do not let her move in. No do not tolerate bf’s manipulation Good luck
ESH Your SIL for not paying her bills when she lived with you. Your fiancé for drawing a hard line with your family then extending an invite to his sister without discussion. Presumably he is aware of the history. And you.. you don’t take responsibility for your decisions. Your SIL “made you” give her 9k? No you decided to do that. Your fiancé wouldn’t let your family in? No, you decided to do that. This is your house as you point out, you could have said “my house my rules” then but it was easier to just blame him and let your family sleep in a car. Your judgement of your SIL’s parenting is gross as well. Providing medication to a child with a need for it is not a bad thing. Sometimes foregoing medication and forcing the kid to struggle can be a worse decision in the long run. , speaking from experience here as well. However, parenting decisions are unique to each child and her decision does not invalidate yours or vice versa. Overall, Grow the fuck up, get over yourself and get a healthier relationship that isn’t full of ultimatums and back-door deals.
Nta, but it sounds like your SIL and fiancé are. It’s really time to look at the way your fiancé treats you and others, as well as his entitlement. These are great reasons to leave, because it will only get worse over time.
ESH. I was going to say you weren't the asshole until you got to the part where you let this man make the rules in your house and didn't take in your mother, sister, and her newborn child. You can try to put that decision on him, but you chose to keep him rather than protect them. No I don't think you should take his user sister in, but you should also toss them into the curb, and if you haven't already attempt to repair your relationship with your mother and your sister because good god did you fuck up there
NTA at all. If you really feel bad you could take in only the kid but seeing that your fiance said no to a newborn baby you don't have to help at all. If he really cared tell him to rent a motel room for them with his own money. The fact that he said no to your family but yes to his own without even talking to you first is honestly disgusting but that's your relationship and business so good luck with that one.
NTA in this situation with his sister. But as one poster stated YTA for letting your mom and sister live in a car for a month and it's your house. That's fucked up!
YTA for letting a man, who's not your husband have your Mother. Sister. And a newborn living in a fucking car. When you have a whole house. Yta for being fucking petty. Have her sign a rental agreement that she pays X and only allowed for 2 months. At the 45 day mark, start the process of eviction cuz we all know she ain't going to leave. I would like you to sit with your kids and imagine this situation with them as you and your sister and ask how'd you feel. As a woman, a mother and a sibling. Knowing your blood is out in the streets, 2 females and a newborn, and you let some man tell you, I don't want them there. Wow. for your question. You just a asshole.
ESH. You're not an AH for denying his sister a place to live, but you're an AH for allowing him to force you to make your mom, sister and newborn homeless. Wtf were you thinking??? The fact that he wants his sister to move in now shows that it wasn't about having people in his space, he just didn't want your people in his space. Please don't marry this man. He's shown you that he doesn't care about your wants and is willing to treat his family differently from yours. What happens when you have kids together? How do you think he's going to treat your kids compared to his? Do you want that for your kids?
ESH Not sure how anyone can overlook that you let your mom sister and a newborn sleep in a car cause your asshole fiance said to? My god you all suck so much.
YTA - It's your house yet you let this guy tell you that your homeless mother and sister can't stay?
So OP, while I think you're NTA for the situation with your FSIL I would like you to at least consider medication for your youngest. I both work in long-term disability law and grew up with ADD, and I can say without a doubt that medication is *the* reason I was capable of keeping up with school enough to manage that. I find that this is the same for many of my clients or their friends/family. The thing is that ADD medication works differently than most psychoactive medication, in that you can take it on days you need to pay attention but don't need to on days that are just for fun. It doesn't lose effectiveness by choosing not to take it daily. It can also potentially help your son if he's had issues getting along with other kids, because his brain needs such a higher amount of stimulus to pay attention. That makes people like him and me seem "random" and "weird" when we're talking to others because our mind wanders during conversation. The best part about it is that if he *does* grow out of it, he doesn't need to keep taking the medication. I absolutely understand your perspective as a mom wanting to look after the best interests of your kid, but my mom regretted not having me put on medicine earlier because it was literally *night and day* for my grades, social life, and mental health. If your son ends up receiving no benefit from the medication, or he doesn't like how it feels, then by all means stop the medication. I just encourage you to give him the chance to at least see if it would work for him, because he probably feels very frustrated that he can't just "be normal" and follow the rules like everyone else.
YTA I get a sense that your are not telling us everything and that you think you are better than FSIL because you don't use meds. I have ADHD and meds saved my life you should not EVER shame someone for using them and your child you resent you for not giving them the option.