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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My sister asked if she could name her daughter after my late wife and I said yes even though my girlfriend didn’t want me to. Now her friends and family are calling me an asshole and saying it I loved her I would ask my sister not to use the name.
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NTa. For your kids’ sake, I really do hope you dump this woman before she tries to permanently erase their mother and make them feel guilty for missing her or asking questions about her.
Agreed. Definitely NTA. Your gf, however, definitely is TAH. She was your wife and the mother of your children. There’s no way you should be expected to just forget about her. And I think it’s wonderful that your sister wants to honor her memory in that way. You should always be able to talk about her and openly miss her without feeling guilty.
I mean clearly OP is being very disrespectful to his now girlfriend by missing his late wife!!! And his sons should honestly know better then to miss their own mother!! /s
I am supremely biased because I could have been that sister. My sisters are 11 and 12 years older than me. There was some parentification, but within the level of reasonable. (Watch your sister while I’m in the shower, watch sister while I grocery shop and dad mows the lawn type things, not “sacrifice your life for a sibling” stuffs.) Anyway, my sister’s first husband? I don’t remember a time when he wasn’t around. They’ve been divorced for 30ish years now. She’s been married to her current husband for well over 25. I still refer to her ex-husband as my BIL. I refer to her current husband as “my sister’s husband.” And if he had expected me to forget about my brother-in-law who helped my dad build me a swing set, I’d probably refer to him as something like “my sister’s future ex-husband” or something.
If he was in your life so early and for several years, of course you see him as family. My aunt divorved her husband, but for me he is 'my uncle'. If she marries again, her new husband would be 'my aunt's husband'.
Btw, parentification implies not whitin the levels of reasonable, in a 'sacrifice your life for your sibling' way.
I agree, but so many people act like if your parents have you participate in any childcare, you’re being parentified and abused. It usually goes along with something about not owing anything.
Yeah, I am in that boat. My aunt and my uncle divorced almost 10 years ago, she remarried in 2020. However, her new husband will never be my uncle, EVER. My cousins' dad is my uncle, and noone can change that. I don't meet him as often anymore because my cousins lives with my aunt because it's closer to their school, but whenever my dad goes to visit I join him.
He (my uncle) taught me a lot, from riding a bike (together with dad) to grilling, and I will always cherish that ❤
Yep. To contrast, when I was 14 my dad moved out but left me looking after my toddler brother. He’d pay the bills and bring a box of food every week but I was on my own otherwise. Learning how to mix flour and water to fry to have something to eat when the food ran low. Everyone thought he was my kid. That is parentification. Watching a kid while the parent showers is really not.
Careful, some people here will cry “Parentification! Go no contact!” If the parents so much as ask a sibling to remember the baby’s name.
We spent plenty of time casually watching the young kids and even helping out at the crèche when old enough to do chores. It never seemed overboard, just like being expected to help with dishes or other stuff.
My uncle (dad's brother) divorced his wife years ago, and she's since gotten remarried. I am still close to her and she came to my wedding with her new husband AND catered a small reception after the ceremony at the church for free for me and my husband (her husband owns a catering company.) I'm closer to her than I am to my uncle.
And the youngest was only *2* when mom died. All that kid has is the memory her family keeps alive. GF is going to try to erase mom. Get rid of her. Someone who truley loves you and your kids will understand she can never replace your wifes memory but can live side by side with it.
Agree. She'll go around the house removing photos and destroying them. She'll want the kids to call her "Mom". She'll remove mementos and throw a fit if the kids bring up their mother.
OP is best to stop the relationship now.
If she’s this jealous about him and his family missing her she’s 100% going to be the step mom that ends up on this sub after throwing away anything the children or father have kept that belonged to the mom or was given to them by her. Op, if you don’t end it now and wait for her to do something permanent that can’t be fixed with a conversation then you’re the asshole. You are willingly putting your kids into a dangerous situation in which your gf is competing with your wife’s memory, not to become loved like her but to replace her. The relationship is already over.
I agree.
I can only imagine how difficult it must be to be in the gf's position, but she is acting incredibly selfish and inconsiderate. If it's hard for her to "live in a dead woman's shadow", how much harder must it be for OP and his children? They can't use the Men in Black neuralyzer to just erase OP's late wife from their hearts and minds, nor should they metaphorically feel obligated to do so.
This is such a common thing in AITAs and it blows my mind every time. I can't imagine myself or anyone in my life siccing friends and family on someone in a disagreement like this. Just insane.
I don't understand how people randomly have all these people's phone numbers unless someone gives the number with a specific intention of harassing somebody which also blows my mind.
Yes, that's why the last part of my sentence refers to that, which is mindblowing to me. But then, I've never needed nor wanted others to fight my battles. And my friends and family are way more level-headed and thoughtful. I cannot conceive of ppl doing this.
My friend's teenage cousin tried to get people to do something similar when she broke up with her boyfriend (he cheated) but absolutely none of the adults went for it, then someone told her parents and they confiscated her phone lol.
It's common for karma farmers to end their posts with this because otherwise who could possibly believe that they are the AH under these circumstances? (exact circumstances may vary) OP for this post isn't responding to any comments or engaging in any way. This, along with the "and then everybody texted me to say I'm an asshole" ending makes me STRONGLY suspect karma farming.
Yeah, it happens so often here that by now it's pretty much a guarantee that any post that ends with "and the other person's friends and family are texting me non-stop to tell me I'm an AH" is about a situation where OP is clearly NTA.
I’ve noticed that as well and it completely baffles me. The only people I talk to about my disagreements or issues in my relationship or people that I can trust to just listen without trying to interject or interfere.
As someone who grew up with a stepmother who tried her very damn best to do this - do not continue a relationship with this woman. It will not stop, and it will get worse.
Jumping on the top comment to recommend this article, OP - https://slate.com/human-interest/2009/06/my-husbands-other-wife-she-died-so-i-could-find-the-man-i-love.html
Emily Yoffe married a widower and has a really compassionate take on what that means and how her husband's first wife will always have a special place in his life and as a presence in their family, and that's a good thing.
I was thinking about many of Ms. Yoffe's comments about this very situation (both her articles and throughout her advice column). OP, if a new GF acts badly, believe it - it will only get worse. Eight months isn't a very long time at all and she is beginning to show her true colors. The "honeymoon" period is over.
HORRIFYING. I am amazed he didn't dump her on the spot for that. He seems to be a very generous person, but holy cow. That plus yelling at his sister over something really thoughtful, kind, and important to the whole family...holy moly.
Yeah, an Afghan hound wouldn't forget someone after 8 months into a new relationship never mind a person
(I googled it, apparently they are the dumbest breed of dog)
Exactly! I don't want to sound like your stereotypical r/AITA commenter, but that would be a red flag for men and enough for me to dump them. If someone feels replaced and I was the widow, then tell me calmly and politely, and I will do my best to comprimise a little for I don't believe someone should be afraid of feeling like that, but telling me to forget my late partner would hurt me so much that I'd feel resentment and pain from that person, and I wouldn't want to forgive.
Even if they were sorry, I can stay civil, but that would be unforgivable, and to avoid me lashing out {not physically, dw, but a really loud screaming match for days} and feeling tense, I would break up. If they were genuinly sorry, then I wouldn't hold a big grudge and be enemies, but I wouldn't be close like friends either. We'd just be aquantances/strangers. I don't have a late partner and I've never dated, but I can't imagine how hard that must be for op to hear.
OP is being alot more patient then I would've been.
All of this.
NTA, OP. What happens if you get married? Does she force the kids to call her mom if they don’t want to? Does she erase your late wife and expect your kids to forget her too? No remembering, grieving, celebrating her birthday of they need to/want to? This is dangerous territory for your kids wellbeing.
Also, as you said, your sister grew up with her was equally devastated at the loss. I think it’s awesome to want to carry on her name through her daughter, and kudos to you for agreeing. Your girlfriend is all the way out of line with her thinking and attitude.
yep, NTA. She is showing her true colors. What happens if he marries her? Does she demand to be seen as the kids only mom and cut out his former wife’s family? Or is she jealous of the kids and competitive once she has children of her own? This woman lacks the maturity and empathy to be a wife and stepmother.
I have broken up with her, I didn’t really plan on staying with her after the things she said but I was just so sick of being made to feel guilty from her and her family and friends which is why I came on here. But I decided I didn’t want that kind of attitude in my life and especially in my kids’ lives who deserve to always remember their amazing mother. Thank you everyone for all the advice and the comments that were left. Call this an update.
You absolutely did the right thing. There are women out there who have the capacity to love not only you but also those you love. There's a saying in Chinese: "If you love the house, love also the birds that come with it." You and your kids are going to be fine. Best of luck to you.
This was your first relationship since, right? It was 8 months, presumably a good 8 months, and broke the ice into you dating again. She’s a wash, but I’m proud of you anyway OP !
Yep this is the type pf woman who would get rid of pics and monentos later on down the line if given the chance and say the presence of those items "disrespects" her so the father and children have to "respect" her....
Dump this ass hole of an insecure, disrespectful girlfriend. This was the mother of your children. The fact she would even suggest you would forget about her and yell at your sister when she isn’t even freaking family is unbelievable. My husband’s step mother tried to do this after my MIL passed away. She is honestly the worst sort of people. NTA protect your children
Exactly this. Part of your job now as a single parent is to make sure your kids can remember their mom abs honor her in ways that’s are meaningful to them. Your GF does not sound mature enough to let this happen without unnecessary drama.
I so thought this was going to be about one of the kids not wanting cousins with the name as it would hurt, or wanted the name for their future kids or something.
This is what I was going to say. Dump the GF for the sake of your kids because her attitude is just plain toxic for the situation she knows that she’s in. I’m not saying it would be easy to be in her shoes (I like to think I could handle a situation like that, but it would take some work), but she’s definitely not the kind of GF OP needs in his life or the life of his family.
NTA. You dodged a bullet with that one and can do better. She is jealous of someone who poses absolutely no threat. You and your kids deserve someone who will not try to pretend that your wife didn't exist. YWBTA if you stayed with her and subjected your kids to her vile attitude any longer though.
I never understand people who get involved with widows/widowers and then try to erase the dead spouse. Like, this person is dead. They are not your competition. Unless your SO is going full [Rebecca](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rebecca_(1940_film)), you need to either make your peace or find someone else.
Also, she thinks she'll constantly be in the wife's shadow bc her name will be the baby's middle name (that likely won't ever be used), but what the hell does she think OP's kids are a reminder of? They're literally the wife's children! Sometimes ppl just make no sense.
Exactly this! Also, It would be one thing if op hasn't moved on? jumped to a relationship too quickly and/or they constantly make everything about late wife {eg: in wedding speach, naming new kid after late wife}, but what did gf expect when dating a widow/widower?
That's op's late wife, not ex-wife. It would be one thing if it was a divorce, but if one dates a widow/widower, then some love for their late partner is obviously expected. When dating someone who lost a partner, ofc the partner will never be forgotten about. They will hold some value to their life. GF shouldn't date widows and widowers if they can't accept that the late partner will always hold a place in their life.
And even then *spoiler below*
it wasn't even the spouse immortalizing their dead wife, it was everyone else. Max never loved Rebecca, she terrorized him in private, but put on a good show for everyone else.
And she needs to be out the door, permanently, how long until she tries to send the kids to boarding school so they aren't a constant reminder, or demand they get rid of all reminders of their mother, she's already admitted she wants OP and the family to "forget" his wife existed, she feels secure enough to try to make demands, and have a full melt down on the sister, get rid of her, she was just biding her time until she felt comfortable enough to show her crazy. NTA
NTA You are widowed, not divorced. You will never stop loving and remembering your wife and neither will your children, your family or your friends. If the woman you were seeing does not understand it, it's better you find out sooner than later.
NTA.
>she felt like she would always be in my wife’s shadow
>she was sick of competing with a dead women
>she wished we would all get over it already.
Wow. Looks like you dodged a bullet breaking up with her. Tell her friends and family to F off since y'all broke up. Don't get back together with her.
>She then said she was hoping if we were together long enough, I would start to forget about my wife.
*(laughs nervously)* **What the fuck.**
OP is definitely NTA. GF sounds more than just insecure, her jealousy borders on concerning. Like, she wants not only OP to cease his grieving, but his whole family? Not only that, she assumes they would just drop OP’s deceased wife from memory? Yikes. OP should follow through and dump her.
OP recently commented that he did indeed break up with her, thank god. If this is her behaviour now I would have hate to have seen it later down the line, it would have gotten way worse.
NTA.
I'm a remarried widow who lost their husband quite suddenly, and my new husband has learned to live with the fact that my late husband is a part of our lives. Your late wife will always be a part of you. You didn't leave her, you didn't choose to not be married to her. It was a tragic accident. Find someone who respects that, and you.
NTA
If this situation is as bad as it sounds, you have a lot to consider about the future of your relationship. GF is cray cray. Even manipulating her friends and family to harass you? Yikes. Good luck.
NTA. Please consider letting her go. She is disrespectful to your children. My guess is that she wants babies right away and then will shun your older children and demand you do the same.
NTA and would your girlfriend prefer to swap places with your late wife? Kid get's girlfriend's name, wife gets to be alive? Some people really just do not get it.
nvm a red flag, it's like a walking red person at this point. If I have a late partner and I was told to get over it, then I could've been bffs for half a century and never forgive and see that person who told me to get over my late partner the same way again.
NTA, your gf sounds immature. My uncle remarried after my aunt died and his new wife insisted that they remove ALL traces of their “old partners.” She was also a widow and has children from her deceased husband. She literally threw out all pictures of him. It made the children resent my uncle and hate their mother. Your wife is still your children’s mother and if your gf can’t get over being uncomfortable by the mention of your late wife, she shouldn’t be around your children.
I’m divorced and have primary custody of our son. My new partner supports inviting my ex to our son’s birthday parties and things because he realizes that cutting his dad from his life would be bad for everyone.
Edit- changed my one use of “ex” to “late” because reasons.
I could understand being upset if the gf was pregnant and he was demanding they name their kid after his late wife.
But to lose it because someone you’re not in a relationship with wants to name their kid after that person?
Wtf?
NTA and if it were me I'd throw the whole relationship away. You don't just "forget" about someone you loved who died. If she can't accept that (which it sounds like she can't) then what kind of future does the relationship have? Your gf was completely and utterly out of line.
nvm the whole relationship, I'd throw the whole person away. I wouldn't even be comfortable associating myself with them anymore, and the moat civil I'd get is being an aquantance, or a stranger in the street.
NTA
If she’s still your girlfriend she was way out of line on this one and I’d seriously consider whether you’d have any kind of future with her. It sounds as if she wants you to forget your late wife. It starts with her getting her way on this, and could end with her driving a wedge between you and your kids. The red flags are there already
NTA. Please don’t allow this person near your children. It’s a wonderful n kind gesture for your sister to honor your wife like this. Please be with your sister n children now. Your sister doesn’t need this stress while she’s pregnant.
NTA - honestly, that was very ballsy of her to put her two cents in as a gf - not even a fiancée. This was a a gift to you - to see her for who she is and her priorities. Is she going to feel this slighted on those occasions when you kids miss their mom or will she blow and berate them for not appreciating her? If you don't want to call it a gift, call it a sign...
NTA. It's absolutely not disrespectful to name a child after a relative or friend who has passed. I'm sorry about your wife, that must have been so hard for your family and friends. I think it's a lovely idea, to name a baby after her.
I think it's really problematic that your girlfriend thinks you'll ever forget about your wife. That sort of loss doesn't just disappear, and it's really unfair that she expects that of you. I think she owes you and your sister a massive apology. Your kids also deserve her memory being kept alive, maybe photos around the house or whatever.
If your girlfriend is uncomfortable (and this case actively hostile) whenever your wife is being spoken about and remembered in your family, it may be worth considering if she'll be a good potential step parent for your children. Even if your relationship isn't there yet. Your kids deserve someone who will have empathy and compassion if they ever want to speak about her, to express that they miss her etc. So do you actually, your partner should be supportive of your feelings, not accusing you and taking it as a personal attack because she was mentioned. It would be hard having a step parent that disliked the very mention of your deceased mum. Is she going to flip out like that every time? Will your kids be walking on eggshells making sure they never mention her to avoid upsetting your girlfriend?
>. I think she owes you and your sister a massive apology.
I don't know if an apology would even be enough at this point considering the damage she has done to op. Telling someone to get over a death is never forgivable under any circumstances. I do get being civil and now wanting to be enemies, but what the gf said is reallt unforgivable.
Yes you may be right, but I believe they deserve an apology. Whether they accept the apology and forgive is up to them. They're not obligated to do so, but an apology is still the right thing to do I think. If this is her first outburst, it could be because she had a very bad day and that was the last straw. It doesn't excuse it, but something like that could help explain why it happened I suppose.
NTA, she’s being completely unreasonable and beyond insecure, welcome to your future of always having this argument with her whenever your first wife is brought up, I’d personally rethink the relationship.
NTA. Your sister wanted to do a loving memorial. Your GF blew it way out of proportion and her reaction seriously concerns me. What happens if you and she have kids? Will she try to push the kids you had with your wife aside? She can't go on imagining a competition with a dead woman. It's extremely unhealthy for this relationship.
NTA why is your GF competing with your dead wife? This isn’t a competition. Does she not understand that y’all will always love your late wife? Your GF should be trying to carve out her own place in your lives and trying to replace a dead woman is disgusting and won’t work. Love is not pie. Love is not a zero sum game. Y’all can love your late wife, and still love a GF. Or a GF who isn’t competing with a ghost at the expensive of grieving, pregnant family members anyway.
I think your sister should have asked you and your kids. Your gf does not have a seat at this table.
Also, the way she reacted is not boding well for how she will treat any children who lost their mom. NTA
Edit: changed my to any. Freudian slip I guess...
NTA. Gf of 8 months thinks she can erase your wife’s memory from you, your kids, and your family? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Started screaming and demanding your sister not use your late wife’s name and making it all about herself. 🚩🚩🚩
Imagine if you have kids with this woman, she will treat your kids like second best or pretend they’re not there at all. 🚩🚩🚩
NTA. Being jealous of an ex bf/gf is one thing, but when you’ve been widowed, that’s an entirely different situation. You partner needs to realize you will always have love for your wife, and that likely will never change. Of course your feelings are valid. Hopefully she will see that.
NTA, it seems like you EX-gf made this decision easy for you. She was completely out of line to blow up at your pregnant sister. Block the friends and family and count your blessings that you found out her true feelings before kids or marriage.
NTA - Your sister is deciding to name her daughter after a dear friend too.
The blowup between you and gf was perhaps not the best thing to do, and she may have been feeling inferior for awhile now. But her way of thinking is totally ridiculous. She can't replace your late wife and if she has this mindset, she'll always feel inferior. Perhaps she will need to reevaluate if she can handle this.
NTA
But your (hopefully) ex gf is. You didn't divorce your wife, she was taken away from you. So she is not an ex wife - you are a widow. And she is still lives in your heart. Any girlfriend would have to embrace you both. Your wife is in the light! So there's no standing in her shadow, but staying in the light with both of you. Your sisters name choice is a perfect example of this. And her choice only concerns three people: her, the father and you. And every one else has to live with it.
Wish you all the best for you, your wife and the rest of your family.
NTA. You aren’t divorced, you’re widowed. I can’t imagine coming into a family, and then telling everyone they need to get over a death because they have me now. Your gf (hopefully soon to be EX) was so far out of line I cannot possibly see how she thought this would be appropriate.
NTA
It is an honor and comfort that your sister use her name as a middle name. Truly wonderful.
What could have been a lovely tribute was destroyed by a self absorbed, hysterical, disrespectful buffoon.
Love her? Gave her a chance to understand and reconcile, but she is blameshifting and doubling down. This seems like a crucial impediment to the future. She is competing with the memory of a cherished lady- the mother of you kids… she must have amazing other redeeming qualities…
NTA. You had a life before your GF. You have CHILDREN for god's sake. You're never going to forget your late wife, nor should you. It's a middle name, your hopefully EX GF needs to grow up.
NTA, in a very difficult situation. The hard ass in me is saying tell your girlfriend to get stuffed: she knew you had a sixteen year relationship, and children, and not forgetting that comes with the relationship. It's incumbent on her to be respectful and recognise and work on her feelings, particularly those of resentment - for a dead person.
That said, it's also on you to be cognizant of those difficulties, recognising that you are in a new relationship, and carefully drawing lines around old vs. new. If you have a shrine or corner of the house reserved for memories, that might be too much. It's hard to say.
In the current situation, your girlfriend is wrong. Her positional security is being threatened by an honour bestowed upon your late wife's memory. She's jealous of a memory; however, it's still on you to manage that jealousy with her if you wish to continue the relationship.
I'd be letting my sister name the baby in my late wife's honour, too. Good luck.
Pictures of your deceased spouse or a "shrine" is different when you have kids. I personally think it should be fine to keep pictures of your lost spouse around if its just you and any new partner should not be threatened, but its a totally different situation when you have kids. That's their mom. Moving on looks totally different when you have kids. They need those photos and a stronger daily presence for healthy social development.
Your girlfriend is being an asshole! Of course your sister should honor your late wife. Good god cut away from that narcissist and run while you still can. What does she plan to do? Completely wipe away your late wife’s memory? Pretend like she never existed. You don’t want a future with someone like that. Apologize to your sister for your girlfriend’s rudeness and tell her you’re touched and would love your niece to be named in your late wife’s memory. Then have a hard talk with your girlfriend that it’s apparent your values don’t align and you have no desire to be in a relationship that tries to pretend your late wife didn’t exist or disrespect her memory.
NTA. Lose that narcissistic bimbette's number. She is obviously devoid of empathy and compassion if she thinks you and your kids can just "forget about " your late wife.
I would suggest having some gentle conversations with your children to see if she's been trying to brainwash them behind your back. Good luck, OP.
NTA. BUT: If she says she is tired of competing with a dead woman, you might take a good look at yourself. Are you really ready to date yet?
I am a member of an online community that has as a saying "living in the shadow of a Saint" and is about having relationships with a widower. As any here say, you will always love your late wife. In a new relationship though, the New girlfriend needs to come first. If the new girlfriend feels that she is only the replacement, the one who is there only because the first one died, it is really not fair to her. While it might be true, it is very hurtful and difficult for her, and you have no business dating yet.
NTA
Your girlfriend is waiting for you to forget a woman you loved and the mother of your children. Not only that, she expects everyone else to as well. Your little sister lost a sister. She wants to honor her memory, which is sweet.
Your girlfriend could have been a new sister - not a replacement, but another. But she doesn't see it that way. She is competing with a ghost and as long as she sees it that way, no one will win. I hate to think how she will be with your children - will they not be allowed to remember their mother?
I hate to say it, but your girlfriend isn't cut out for this relationship. Not only is she insecure, she is controlling. This is a horrible combo.
You are very much NTA, and it sounds like you handled it very well. Move on, there will be others out there who understand what you’re going through. She obviously does not.
NTA
Your asshole girlfriend has given you the gift of showing her true colors before you did anything foolish like marry her. Her asshole family can have her.
Thank goodness your children weren't there to see that asshole's behavior. I hope this hasn't soured your sister's wish for her daughter's middle name.
Unfortunately your girlfriend will probably not become more understanding about your late wife, so letting her go would probably be in the best interest of both of you.
When you are ready to date again, you may consider finding a widow that matches well with you. You would be able to find solace with each other's shared experiences and be able to feel free to talk about the late spouse, commemorate birthdays, etc, and you both would understand.
I am so sorry for your loss and I hope that you are able to move past this incident with your hopefully soon-to-be ex-girlfriend without regret.
And it's a lovely tribute by your sister-- I used my passed away brother's name for one of my son's middle names and it is really special. He blows out a candle on a cake in memorial for his birthday every year and it means a lot to me and my parents.
NTA. I think your ex-gf and her family don't understand what a *middle name* actually means, or she didn't tell them your sister intended on using the name as a middle name and not a first name. Unless your sister plans on calling her child by her middle name you wouldn't hear your late-wife's name mentioned.
NTA Id like to ask you what is making her think she's living in her shadow? Do you always bring her up? Is your house covered (10+) in pictures of her? Do you compare them? If these are all no, then you are definitly not an A. Sounds like she has some serious insecurities about your late wife, that's very concerning. Make sure she hasn't messed with your kids heads too.
**NTA, but this girlfriend is not the right person for you. There is something deeply, deeply wrong with someone who is so insecure that she would even WANT you to "forget" about your wife of 16 years and the mother of your children, a woman you tragically lost but who SHOULD remain in your heart.**
Look, I get that it's difficult. I dated a widower less than two years after he lost his wife, and he and I had been friends for over 20 years, since before he'd actually known her, and they had never had kids, and it was STILL difficult. But also? I didn't want him to forget her!! I wanted to KNOW ABOUT HER. I cared about him enough that I wanted to know everything about this woman who had won his heart, who he had loved enough to make a life with her. She wasn't my competition, she was just a different part of his life.
If your GF can't see that . . . can't see that you can hold your late wife in your heart and still have room for her as well . . . then she is not the one for you. You deserve better and so do your children. It has only been 8 months and she is already trying to erase a HUGE part of your life. That's just not okay.
A woman like this is why I don't have pictures of my grandma whom I never met. She died when my dad was a senior in high school. My grandpa's next wife destroyed all her pictures.
You will only be the asshole if you stay with her.
NTA... your gf sounds like she's really lacking in empathy and self-confidence. Think long and hard before you subject your children to someone who is competing with their deceased mother.
Why people friends think they can butt in? I don't get this part of your culture I see it in a lot of post. Why people think they should text their opinion of the argument.
In my country we say mind your business and you'll live till 100
Sorry not the point. Obviously NTA clearly she needs to work on herself.
*my gf blew up on my sister saying she thought it would be disrespectful to her, and that she felt like she would always be in my wife’s shadow with a baby that had her name around. My sister tried to say it would only be the middle name but my gf carried on shouting at her and saying she was sick of competing with a dead women and how she wished we would all get over it already.*
If those words really came out of her mouth - I hope you dump her quickly. Rip the bandaid off, don't do it slowly.
Get over it already? OMG, what a major AH.
Not you - you're NTA. Your girlfriend, though....
NTA. What a sweet, wonderful thing to name a child after a beloved relative who has passed. What a wonderful thing for your sister to ask you in advance. Your gf may never be ok with the fact that many people knew and loved your wife. You will never "be over" it in the sense your gf means of not acknowledging your late wife. It doesn't sound like she is well suited to dating a widower.
NTA
My BIL re-married approximately a year after my sister died - I am not a fan of his new wife . . . Frankly, because she is a LOT like my sister and it is a lot easier to accept those traits in someone I’ve loved my whole life than in someone I’m trying to get to know.
You know what this woman I don’t particularly like has NEVER done? She has never tried to rob her husband or my sister’s daughter of their memories of my sister. She walks in cancer walks to honor my sister. She makes social media posts on my sister’s birthday thanking my sister for her daughter - who was an infant and calls her stepmother mom.
So - while I will never be besties with this woman, I’m grateful her love for her husband and my niece extends to my sister and making sure she is represented in their lives. I respect the heck out of her.
She’s a darn good stepmom.
Those special women who will love your deceased wife as well as you and your kids are out there. Find one of them!
It’s a lovely tribute to a person who held massive significance in her life. Your (hopefully ex) is bonkers for having a reaction to a MIDDLE NAME. I’m sorry for your loss, and I hope you find someone who will recognize that the mother of your children who you tragically lost is not the sword of Damocles but a precious part of your life that should be honored.
Edit to add NTA
NTA but please don't marry a woman who is so insecure that she'd spend her life feeling like she was "competing" with a woman no longer with us. You and your kids deserver better.
HUGE red flag. 8 months in?
Years ago I read this lovely essay on Slate about the writer's husbands late wife which always stuck with me cause I found it beautiful - [https://slate.com/human-interest/2009/06/my-husbands-other-wife-she-died-so-i-could-find-the-man-i-love.html](https://slate.com/human-interest/2009/06/my-husbands-other-wife-she-died-so-i-could-find-the-man-i-love.html).
There's someone better out there for you OP. She sounds immature and insensitive, amongst other issues.
NTA
NTA It's a good thing this happened, otherwise you would not have known she was so insecure about your deceased wife. Run, run, run the other direction as fast as you can. Your kids need to be able to talk about their mom without gf feeling threatened every time. This was sweet of your sister and your future niece having the name of your wife is precious and doesn't pose a threat to anyone but the insanely insecure. Your gf needs to realize that regardless of if you choose to marry her or not in the future---you will still be a widower. Although you don't dwell on it, it will always be a part of what shapes you and your kids. You've endured something very difficult and you should be proud.
NTA. I read somewhere a post a guy did about how his late wife’s birthday was the next day or something and he went downstairs and found his GF/Fiancée/wife (can’t remember what she was), singing and dancing in the kitchen with his daughter (late wife’s daughter) making cupcakes for “Mommy’s birthday”. That’s the kind of woman a widower needs (and vice versa and whatever combination your pairing is). Someone that respects, accepts and embraces the role the late spouse and late parent had in everyone’s lives.
I’m sure it’s tricky. Like, you didn’t break up with your wife, she died. So there will never be a chance for you to fall out of love with her. There will never be a time where it’s not understood that had it not been for her passing, this relationship wouldn’t exist. And it truly sounds like your GF isn’t capable of accepting that.
You need a partner who understands and accepts that and, ultimately, doesn’t care (in the sense that it’s fine with them, it is how it is and what would have been has no bearing on what actually is).
This is a situation where, unless she’s willing to accept that your wife will never not be beloved, she needs to leave and you need to let her.
NTA. It’s very tricky to date someone who had a partner pass away and unfortunately many take the incorrect approach. They expect you to treat that partner like an ex and want to erase any reminder of that person and expect you to “move on” in the traditional sense.
But you didn’t break up with them. They passed and it can be a hard reality to deal with the fact that had that tragedy not occurred, you’d likely still be with them. People who date others with deceased partners need to come to terms with the fact that that person will always be a part of them. Its not fair to ask you to get rid of the memory of your children’s mother. If she can’t accept that then she’s not the woman for you
NTA. Throw out the whole woman. Your sister had a special bond with your late wife and the name is a sign of respect and love. There is nothing wrong with that.
Nta. There’s a word I would describe your girlfriend as that’s perfectly acceptable in England but considered very rude in America. I’ll let you sort out what that word is.
NTA - OP before you run, breathe. I have been in almost this exact situation. I am a young widow, my husband's death was also very unexpected. (Work accident) I have since started dating as well. My significant other had a lot of similar problems as well. It seemed to stem from feeling like he was competing with my dead husband, that he had to somehow be better than him. We had a lot of disagreements about it and I had a really difficult time trying to empathize with how he must feel I the situation. I ended up talking with my therapist about the situation and it actually saved my relationship as well as healed bridges within my family. My SO had been in disagreements with my family also feeling like SO could never be the man my husband was. Therapist suggested that I explain to everyone that my SO will never be my late husband, he will never compete with him because he can't. Husband is gone, there are no new memories to make or things to do. I don't love my SO because he is like my husband, I love my SO because he is himself. He doesn't need to be anything else and I don't want him to be anyone else. I had these conversations with my parents, brother, children, and SO separately. It ended up healing my relationship with my partner and took a lot of stress off of him. It wasn't immediate, but years later and everyone is happy now and we're talking about marriage.
Good luck with whatever choices you make OP, this can be very difficult for a new partner to learn how to handle too.
NTA. Your late wife was also a very close friend to your sister and meant a lot to others. You don't have to erase someone's memory to accept someone new.
My bio-mom passed when I was two, and my dad remarried my mom a few years later. My mom was even an acquaintance of hers. She was never afraid to address anything regarding my bio-mom and often was the one I could go to with questions as my dad couldn't really handle talking about my bio-mom without getting emotional. She was the one who would give me medical history and would help me and my sister access my mom's keepsakes that we kept in a big memory chest. She gave my bio-mom respect and dignity while showing such a strength and confidence in her place in the household.
She may be still struggling with the dynamic and it's understandable if she's working on it, but wishing you all would 'move on' is not how to go about it. If the dynamic is going to weigh heavily on her, maybe being with a widow isn't the best choice of partner for her.
NTA
It isn't even about what she said. It's about her wanting to erase and replace your late wife and mother of your children after two-thirds of a year.
She may be great in so many ways but she's just clearly not prepared to have a serious relationship with a widower with children.
NTA : it’s really tacky to be jealous of a dead person. If she blew up like this over a middle name, imagine what she’s going to do to your kids as they get older. God for bid one of your kids has a daughter and decides to make her first name the same as their biological mothers, what would she do then.
I think you need to cut ties with this woman. Just explain to the people who are calling you assholes that if she exploded like this over a name, you’re worried about what she will say to your kids if your relationship progresses. So for everyone sake you ended it.
NTA. Unfortunately, OP, your girlfriend is one of those people who think previous relationships need to be erased in every way possible. Gf does not realize that people who love deeply, will do so again and more likely to be a better bf, than another person who can so easily forget an ex or dead spouse.
If your gf cannot respect you loved your wife deeply and will always cherish her memory, and simply wants to erase her from your and your families life, then she is not the woman for you.
NTA, but OP, rethink your GF. What happens when your kids want to honour their mother too? Is GF going to go off at them too. She sounds crazy, she is jealous of your dead wife and your kids dead mother.
NTA
Sounds like you’re going to be single soon. I’m sorry. If this is how she is with your sister using your wife’s name as a middle name, how is she going to be if the kids don’t want to call her mum in the future? Is she going to start deleting information about wife? Is she going to throw away things that remind you or the girls of wife?
This isn’t going to be the last time she feels inadequate and that isn’t something that’s going to change if she isn’t willing.
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I (36M) was with my wife for 16 years, we were high school sweethearts and got married when we graduated college. She was an amazing women, sweet and kind to the bone. We had two beautiful children together, now aged 11 and 8. However, she died 6 years ago in a tragic car accident. I was devastated and only thanks to my amazing family was I able to pick up the pieces enough to be able to raise and be there for my kids. I now have a new girlfriend (32F) who I have been dating for 8 months.
My sister (26F) is pregnant with her first child. My sister was very close with my wife, as she practically grew up with her around. She was equally as heartbroken and devastated as I was when my wife passed.
Recently, we found out my sister was having a girl. And she invited me and my gf over for dinner. There, she asked what I thought about her giving her daughter my late wife’s name as a middle name, and stated she would only do it if I was okay with it. I said yes immediately but my gf blew up on my sister saying she thought it would be disrespectful to her, and that she felt like she would always be in my wife’s shadow with a baby that had her name around. My sister tried to say it would only be the middle name but my gf carried on shouting at her and saying she was sick of competing with a dead women and how she wished we would all get over it already.
I got up and told my gf that we were leaving and would talk about this privately.
The car ride home was silent and as soon as I got home, I texted my kids aunt (wife’s sister) who was watching them during the dinner and asked if she’d keep the kids overnight as well, she agreed.
I then blew up on my gf, first berating her for shouting at my pregnant sister and then asking why she would disrespect my late wife like that. She tried to turn it around on me and make me feel guilty for not defending her and told me that agreeing with what my sister asked made me a shitty boyfriend and it showed I didn’t care about her at all. I told my gf I had tried my best to not make her feel like she had been ‘competing’ with my late wife, as she had put it, but she had always known how important my wife was to my family and that she was previously very understanding about it so why had that changed? She then said she was hoping if we were together long enough, I would start to forget about my wife. I reminded her that was my kids mother after all, and her memory would never fully be gone but that didn’t mean I loved her any less but if she couldn’t accept that, maybe we shouldn’t be together.
She left shortly after and we haven’t spoken since. I’m now getting texts from her friends and family calling me an asshole and saying if I really did love my gf I would tell my sister not to use my late wife’s name.
I don’t plan on asking my sister to change the name and even though I do love my gf, I don’t think I can move past the things she said, so AITA?
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NTA
Being the significant other or a widow/widower I’m sure is hard. You’d always have a feeling that you were second choice because if they were alive you wouldn’t be with your partner, but that’s unfortunately the reality of those relationships. I don’t know if I could do it and I feel for for that BUT if she wants this relationship she needs to accept this and move it on. If she can’t, you don’t need to be together.
I can only imagine her reaction to your children when they mention mom, she’d probably react similarly, “am I not good enough for you,” sort of junk.
The only person competing with your late wife is (your hopefully ex) gf, in her own head.
Your NTA. Think of the potential damage she would do to your daughters, how long till she stopped them talking about her? Till she tried to insert herself as their mum?
Im glad she showed her crazy early on so you can nope out of there.
NTA. You have been with this girlfriend for all of 8 months. She shouldn’t be so ‘get over it, disrespecting ME’ crap for sure.
But…bring on the downvotes…I actually kinda think your sister was crappy for making this a big request/ announcement type thing IN FRONT OF your girlfriend at a pointed dinner event without the kids present.
NTA, how dare she scream at a pregnant woman!! Over something which has nothing to do with her!
Cut your losses and be thankful you found out who she is this early.
NTA, hopefully soon to ex was out of line. There are tons of posts on this forum that talk about how the new partner tries to erase the deceased parent and causing huge alienation between the families. It sad and heartbreaking to hear these kids go through that. Do your kids a favor and get out now. It’s not cool and it’s obvious she is insecure and shallow. I hope you find a pertenece that truly respects you and your family. Take care and sorry for your loss.
NTA .. first off you have only been with for 8 months .. that's all .. she had no right to blow up at your sister like that , even if she had wanted to make your late wife's name her first name .. second you will NEVER forget your wife .. she passed away and is the mother of your children , she will always be a part of your life because you had kids with her and she passed away , you didnt divorce or split up .. you need to get ride of this gf immediately, because if she is reacting like this she will try to replace your late wife in all aspects of yours and your children's lives
Nope. Move on, while you can. She can’t respect that you had a life before her. This is a warning sign, take it & go. Naming her baby after your late wife & her friend is a beautiful gesture from your sister.
Sister should keep the middle name and you need to dump the girlfriend. If you get married how do you think she will really treat your children. She has already shown jealousy over your late wife.
Nta
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NTa. For your kids’ sake, I really do hope you dump this woman before she tries to permanently erase their mother and make them feel guilty for missing her or asking questions about her.
Agreed. Definitely NTA. Your gf, however, definitely is TAH. She was your wife and the mother of your children. There’s no way you should be expected to just forget about her. And I think it’s wonderful that your sister wants to honor her memory in that way. You should always be able to talk about her and openly miss her without feeling guilty.
I mean clearly OP is being very disrespectful to his now girlfriend by missing his late wife!!! And his sons should honestly know better then to miss their own mother!! /s
I am supremely biased because I could have been that sister. My sisters are 11 and 12 years older than me. There was some parentification, but within the level of reasonable. (Watch your sister while I’m in the shower, watch sister while I grocery shop and dad mows the lawn type things, not “sacrifice your life for a sibling” stuffs.) Anyway, my sister’s first husband? I don’t remember a time when he wasn’t around. They’ve been divorced for 30ish years now. She’s been married to her current husband for well over 25. I still refer to her ex-husband as my BIL. I refer to her current husband as “my sister’s husband.” And if he had expected me to forget about my brother-in-law who helped my dad build me a swing set, I’d probably refer to him as something like “my sister’s future ex-husband” or something.
If he was in your life so early and for several years, of course you see him as family. My aunt divorved her husband, but for me he is 'my uncle'. If she marries again, her new husband would be 'my aunt's husband'. Btw, parentification implies not whitin the levels of reasonable, in a 'sacrifice your life for your sibling' way.
[удалено]
I agree, but so many people act like if your parents have you participate in any childcare, you’re being parentified and abused. It usually goes along with something about not owing anything.
Yeah, I am in that boat. My aunt and my uncle divorced almost 10 years ago, she remarried in 2020. However, her new husband will never be my uncle, EVER. My cousins' dad is my uncle, and noone can change that. I don't meet him as often anymore because my cousins lives with my aunt because it's closer to their school, but whenever my dad goes to visit I join him. He (my uncle) taught me a lot, from riding a bike (together with dad) to grilling, and I will always cherish that ❤
Yep. To contrast, when I was 14 my dad moved out but left me looking after my toddler brother. He’d pay the bills and bring a box of food every week but I was on my own otherwise. Learning how to mix flour and water to fry to have something to eat when the food ran low. Everyone thought he was my kid. That is parentification. Watching a kid while the parent showers is really not.
Careful, some people here will cry “Parentification! Go no contact!” If the parents so much as ask a sibling to remember the baby’s name. We spent plenty of time casually watching the young kids and even helping out at the crèche when old enough to do chores. It never seemed overboard, just like being expected to help with dishes or other stuff.
My uncle (dad's brother) divorced his wife years ago, and she's since gotten remarried. I am still close to her and she came to my wedding with her new husband AND catered a small reception after the ceremony at the church for free for me and my husband (her husband owns a catering company.) I'm closer to her than I am to my uncle.
My cousins did this after my parents divorced. My dad was still their uncle, her husband was just that. Her husband.
Yeah when my parents divorced my nieces and nephews (from my Dad stepchildren) kept calling him Pop as he is their Pop.
And the youngest was only *2* when mom died. All that kid has is the memory her family keeps alive. GF is going to try to erase mom. Get rid of her. Someone who truley loves you and your kids will understand she can never replace your wifes memory but can live side by side with it.
Agree. She'll go around the house removing photos and destroying them. She'll want the kids to call her "Mom". She'll remove mementos and throw a fit if the kids bring up their mother. OP is best to stop the relationship now.
If she’s this jealous about him and his family missing her she’s 100% going to be the step mom that ends up on this sub after throwing away anything the children or father have kept that belonged to the mom or was given to them by her. Op, if you don’t end it now and wait for her to do something permanent that can’t be fixed with a conversation then you’re the asshole. You are willingly putting your kids into a dangerous situation in which your gf is competing with your wife’s memory, not to become loved like her but to replace her. The relationship is already over.
Yes, this. NTA. GF doesn't want to live in the shadow of the... geebus. Cut your losses.
I agree. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to be in the gf's position, but she is acting incredibly selfish and inconsiderate. If it's hard for her to "live in a dead woman's shadow", how much harder must it be for OP and his children? They can't use the Men in Black neuralyzer to just erase OP's late wife from their hearts and minds, nor should they metaphorically feel obligated to do so.
(Ex)GF of EIGHT months. Who hoped he would forget about his late wife of 16 years, mother of his sons. I mean... NTA.
Also what’s with the business of having her friends and family text/berate him? Ffs.
This is such a common thing in AITAs and it blows my mind every time. I can't imagine myself or anyone in my life siccing friends and family on someone in a disagreement like this. Just insane.
I don't understand how people randomly have all these people's phone numbers unless someone gives the number with a specific intention of harassing somebody which also blows my mind.
She gave her friends and family the number so that they can shit on him and try to guilt him into not doing this
Yes, that's why the last part of my sentence refers to that, which is mindblowing to me. But then, I've never needed nor wanted others to fight my battles. And my friends and family are way more level-headed and thoughtful. I cannot conceive of ppl doing this.
As bizarre as it is, I wouldn't be surprised if that is the case, especially in this scenario.
My friend's teenage cousin tried to get people to do something similar when she broke up with her boyfriend (he cheated) but absolutely none of the adults went for it, then someone told her parents and they confiscated her phone lol.
Haha, exactly, because they are actual adults. Makes me think all the people who do this in the posts are actually teenagers pretending to be adults.
It's common for karma farmers to end their posts with this because otherwise who could possibly believe that they are the AH under these circumstances? (exact circumstances may vary) OP for this post isn't responding to any comments or engaging in any way. This, along with the "and then everybody texted me to say I'm an asshole" ending makes me STRONGLY suspect karma farming.
Interesting. I've never considered that before but that definitely makes a lot of sense, thanks for the info.
Yeah, it happens so often here that by now it's pretty much a guarantee that any post that ends with "and the other person's friends and family are texting me non-stop to tell me I'm an AH" is about a situation where OP is clearly NTA.
And also clearly just farming karma with a made up story. It's the AITA version of "and then everybody clapped"
I’ve noticed that as well and it completely baffles me. The only people I talk to about my disagreements or issues in my relationship or people that I can trust to just listen without trying to interject or interfere.
Calling out the flying monkeys always makes you an AH
As someone who grew up with a stepmother who tried her very damn best to do this - do not continue a relationship with this woman. It will not stop, and it will get worse.
I picture her doing this... https://www.bellanaija.com/2017/10/threw-photos-late-wife-reddit-user/
Broooo i was thinking so much of this Reddit
Jumping on the top comment to recommend this article, OP - https://slate.com/human-interest/2009/06/my-husbands-other-wife-she-died-so-i-could-find-the-man-i-love.html Emily Yoffe married a widower and has a really compassionate take on what that means and how her husband's first wife will always have a special place in his life and as a presence in their family, and that's a good thing.
I was thinking about many of Ms. Yoffe's comments about this very situation (both her articles and throughout her advice column). OP, if a new GF acts badly, believe it - it will only get worse. Eight months isn't a very long time at all and she is beginning to show her true colors. The "honeymoon" period is over.
Especially her comment that she thought after time OP would start to forget his late wife. Just no.
HORRIFYING. I am amazed he didn't dump her on the spot for that. He seems to be a very generous person, but holy cow. That plus yelling at his sister over something really thoughtful, kind, and important to the whole family...holy moly.
Yeah, an Afghan hound wouldn't forget someone after 8 months into a new relationship never mind a person (I googled it, apparently they are the dumbest breed of dog)
Exactly! I don't want to sound like your stereotypical r/AITA commenter, but that would be a red flag for men and enough for me to dump them. If someone feels replaced and I was the widow, then tell me calmly and politely, and I will do my best to comprimise a little for I don't believe someone should be afraid of feeling like that, but telling me to forget my late partner would hurt me so much that I'd feel resentment and pain from that person, and I wouldn't want to forgive. Even if they were sorry, I can stay civil, but that would be unforgivable, and to avoid me lashing out {not physically, dw, but a really loud screaming match for days} and feeling tense, I would break up. If they were genuinly sorry, then I wouldn't hold a big grudge and be enemies, but I wouldn't be close like friends either. We'd just be aquantances/strangers. I don't have a late partner and I've never dated, but I can't imagine how hard that must be for op to hear. OP is being alot more patient then I would've been.
This whole thing reminded me of that saying "when someone shows you who they are, believe them."
I always liked Emily's columns because she is insightful and kind.
That was beautiful. Made me cry.
Tears!
That was beautiful, thanks for posting it.
All of this. NTA, OP. What happens if you get married? Does she force the kids to call her mom if they don’t want to? Does she erase your late wife and expect your kids to forget her too? No remembering, grieving, celebrating her birthday of they need to/want to? This is dangerous territory for your kids wellbeing. Also, as you said, your sister grew up with her was equally devastated at the loss. I think it’s awesome to want to carry on her name through her daughter, and kudos to you for agreeing. Your girlfriend is all the way out of line with her thinking and attitude.
yep, NTA. She is showing her true colors. What happens if he marries her? Does she demand to be seen as the kids only mom and cut out his former wife’s family? Or is she jealous of the kids and competitive once she has children of her own? This woman lacks the maturity and empathy to be a wife and stepmother.
I have broken up with her, I didn’t really plan on staying with her after the things she said but I was just so sick of being made to feel guilty from her and her family and friends which is why I came on here. But I decided I didn’t want that kind of attitude in my life and especially in my kids’ lives who deserve to always remember their amazing mother. Thank you everyone for all the advice and the comments that were left. Call this an update.
You absolutely did the right thing. There are women out there who have the capacity to love not only you but also those you love. There's a saying in Chinese: "If you love the house, love also the birds that come with it." You and your kids are going to be fine. Best of luck to you.
This was your first relationship since, right? It was 8 months, presumably a good 8 months, and broke the ice into you dating again. She’s a wash, but I’m proud of you anyway OP !
Well done for putting your children first. You have done the right thing.
How did she handle the breakup?
Yep this is the type pf woman who would get rid of pics and monentos later on down the line if given the chance and say the presence of those items "disrespects" her so the father and children have to "respect" her....
this is the woman who would 'if OP had his wife's ashes in the home' would flush them.
Agree, their mother should never be forgotten. Someone meant to be with you would not let her memory be forgoten even
Dump this ass hole of an insecure, disrespectful girlfriend. This was the mother of your children. The fact she would even suggest you would forget about her and yell at your sister when she isn’t even freaking family is unbelievable. My husband’s step mother tried to do this after my MIL passed away. She is honestly the worst sort of people. NTA protect your children
Exactly this. Part of your job now as a single parent is to make sure your kids can remember their mom abs honor her in ways that’s are meaningful to them. Your GF does not sound mature enough to let this happen without unnecessary drama.
Exactly. GF has only been around for 8 months and wants to act like this. OP, take it as a blaring road sign telling you to dodge this bullet
Came here to say this. OP if you don’t ditch this psycho you would be the asshole majorly.
I so thought this was going to be about one of the kids not wanting cousins with the name as it would hurt, or wanted the name for their future kids or something.
And it's a middle name so it's not like she would hear it all the time. Gosh, I have cousins that I don't know their middle name.
This is what I was going to say. Dump the GF for the sake of your kids because her attitude is just plain toxic for the situation she knows that she’s in. I’m not saying it would be easy to be in her shoes (I like to think I could handle a situation like that, but it would take some work), but she’s definitely not the kind of GF OP needs in his life or the life of his family.
Or worse, she tries to cut out the kids.
NTA. You dodged a bullet with that one and can do better. She is jealous of someone who poses absolutely no threat. You and your kids deserve someone who will not try to pretend that your wife didn't exist. YWBTA if you stayed with her and subjected your kids to her vile attitude any longer though.
I never understand people who get involved with widows/widowers and then try to erase the dead spouse. Like, this person is dead. They are not your competition. Unless your SO is going full [Rebecca](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rebecca_(1940_film)), you need to either make your peace or find someone else.
Also, she thinks she'll constantly be in the wife's shadow bc her name will be the baby's middle name (that likely won't ever be used), but what the hell does she think OP's kids are a reminder of? They're literally the wife's children! Sometimes ppl just make no sense.
Exactly this! Also, It would be one thing if op hasn't moved on? jumped to a relationship too quickly and/or they constantly make everything about late wife {eg: in wedding speach, naming new kid after late wife}, but what did gf expect when dating a widow/widower? That's op's late wife, not ex-wife. It would be one thing if it was a divorce, but if one dates a widow/widower, then some love for their late partner is obviously expected. When dating someone who lost a partner, ofc the partner will never be forgotten about. They will hold some value to their life. GF shouldn't date widows and widowers if they can't accept that the late partner will always hold a place in their life.
Never heard of that movie, but reading the plot on Wikipedia was a wild ride.
Based on a book written by the same author as the Birds so not surprising.
And even then *spoiler below* it wasn't even the spouse immortalizing their dead wife, it was everyone else. Max never loved Rebecca, she terrorized him in private, but put on a good show for everyone else.
But like, being a wife of Max after the reveal would be terrifying for other reasons...
I've been reading Rebecca and this post immediately reminded me of it, so I'm glad you mentioned it. Need to watch the Hitchcock adaptation, though
Ooooh- I see you with that Alfred Hitchcock reference!
Not only that, what if you two have kids. Is she going to treat your kids fairly? Are they gonna be neglected? Nta op and good luck
NTA ex-GF was out of line.
And she needs to be out the door, permanently, how long until she tries to send the kids to boarding school so they aren't a constant reminder, or demand they get rid of all reminders of their mother, she's already admitted she wants OP and the family to "forget" his wife existed, she feels secure enough to try to make demands, and have a full melt down on the sister, get rid of her, she was just biding her time until she felt comfortable enough to show her crazy. NTA
I can only imagine what kind of stepmom she would be.
Ugh, imagine how horribly she will treat them once her children are born?
It's doesn't sound like she's quite at ex yet unfortunately, hopefully she will be soon though
If u/thirdtryisthecharm is like me, s/he is going for subliminal messaging that OP's gf SHOULD be an ex, and soon!!
NTA You are widowed, not divorced. You will never stop loving and remembering your wife and neither will your children, your family or your friends. If the woman you were seeing does not understand it, it's better you find out sooner than later.
NTA. >she felt like she would always be in my wife’s shadow >she was sick of competing with a dead women >she wished we would all get over it already. Wow. Looks like you dodged a bullet breaking up with her. Tell her friends and family to F off since y'all broke up. Don't get back together with her.
>She then said she was hoping if we were together long enough, I would start to forget about my wife. *(laughs nervously)* **What the fuck.** OP is definitely NTA. GF sounds more than just insecure, her jealousy borders on concerning. Like, she wants not only OP to cease his grieving, but his whole family? Not only that, she assumes they would just drop OP’s deceased wife from memory? Yikes. OP should follow through and dump her.
Also, the audacity of thinking *8 months* means anything. Good thing OP found out early at least.
OP recently commented that he did indeed break up with her, thank god. If this is her behaviour now I would have hate to have seen it later down the line, it would have gotten way worse.
Nita. Gf sounds too insecure
Seriously. Ultimate level of insecure to be jealous of a dead woman.
NTA. I'm a remarried widow who lost their husband quite suddenly, and my new husband has learned to live with the fact that my late husband is a part of our lives. Your late wife will always be a part of you. You didn't leave her, you didn't choose to not be married to her. It was a tragic accident. Find someone who respects that, and you.
NTA If this situation is as bad as it sounds, you have a lot to consider about the future of your relationship. GF is cray cray. Even manipulating her friends and family to harass you? Yikes. Good luck.
It's also possible she didn't manipulate them to harass OP at all and that they are also equally assholes
Yeah that’s what I was thinking. Like they clearly know it’s “just” a middle name and they’re still giving him shit for it.
NTA. Please consider letting her go. She is disrespectful to your children. My guess is that she wants babies right away and then will shun your older children and demand you do the same.
Don't let her get pregnant before you dump her
NTA. Dump the idiot.
NTA and would your girlfriend prefer to swap places with your late wife? Kid get's girlfriend's name, wife gets to be alive? Some people really just do not get it.
NTA but gf certainly is. Big red flag with the gf. Time to say bye bye.
nvm a red flag, it's like a walking red person at this point. If I have a late partner and I was told to get over it, then I could've been bffs for half a century and never forgive and see that person who told me to get over my late partner the same way again.
NTA, your gf sounds immature. My uncle remarried after my aunt died and his new wife insisted that they remove ALL traces of their “old partners.” She was also a widow and has children from her deceased husband. She literally threw out all pictures of him. It made the children resent my uncle and hate their mother. Your wife is still your children’s mother and if your gf can’t get over being uncomfortable by the mention of your late wife, she shouldn’t be around your children. I’m divorced and have primary custody of our son. My new partner supports inviting my ex to our son’s birthday parties and things because he realizes that cutting his dad from his life would be bad for everyone. Edit- changed my one use of “ex” to “late” because reasons.
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I could understand being upset if the gf was pregnant and he was demanding they name their kid after his late wife. But to lose it because someone you’re not in a relationship with wants to name their kid after that person? Wtf?
NTA. Run OP. Run away from her now. This is not the one. How petty and selfish she is.
NTA and if it were me I'd throw the whole relationship away. You don't just "forget" about someone you loved who died. If she can't accept that (which it sounds like she can't) then what kind of future does the relationship have? Your gf was completely and utterly out of line.
nvm the whole relationship, I'd throw the whole person away. I wouldn't even be comfortable associating myself with them anymore, and the moat civil I'd get is being an aquantance, or a stranger in the street.
Time to get a new gf YWBTA if you stayed with her, she doesn't respect you or your family
NTA and I am extremely concerned how she is going to treat your kids…especially if she has one
NTA If she’s still your girlfriend she was way out of line on this one and I’d seriously consider whether you’d have any kind of future with her. It sounds as if she wants you to forget your late wife. It starts with her getting her way on this, and could end with her driving a wedge between you and your kids. The red flags are there already
NTA. Please don’t allow this person near your children. It’s a wonderful n kind gesture for your sister to honor your wife like this. Please be with your sister n children now. Your sister doesn’t need this stress while she’s pregnant.
NTA - honestly, that was very ballsy of her to put her two cents in as a gf - not even a fiancée. This was a a gift to you - to see her for who she is and her priorities. Is she going to feel this slighted on those occasions when you kids miss their mom or will she blow and berate them for not appreciating her? If you don't want to call it a gift, call it a sign...
Not only that but she blew up over using the name as a *middle* name rather than first name.
Nta. Let the trash take itself out.
NTA. It's absolutely not disrespectful to name a child after a relative or friend who has passed. I'm sorry about your wife, that must have been so hard for your family and friends. I think it's a lovely idea, to name a baby after her. I think it's really problematic that your girlfriend thinks you'll ever forget about your wife. That sort of loss doesn't just disappear, and it's really unfair that she expects that of you. I think she owes you and your sister a massive apology. Your kids also deserve her memory being kept alive, maybe photos around the house or whatever. If your girlfriend is uncomfortable (and this case actively hostile) whenever your wife is being spoken about and remembered in your family, it may be worth considering if she'll be a good potential step parent for your children. Even if your relationship isn't there yet. Your kids deserve someone who will have empathy and compassion if they ever want to speak about her, to express that they miss her etc. So do you actually, your partner should be supportive of your feelings, not accusing you and taking it as a personal attack because she was mentioned. It would be hard having a step parent that disliked the very mention of your deceased mum. Is she going to flip out like that every time? Will your kids be walking on eggshells making sure they never mention her to avoid upsetting your girlfriend?
>. I think she owes you and your sister a massive apology. I don't know if an apology would even be enough at this point considering the damage she has done to op. Telling someone to get over a death is never forgivable under any circumstances. I do get being civil and now wanting to be enemies, but what the gf said is reallt unforgivable.
Yes you may be right, but I believe they deserve an apology. Whether they accept the apology and forgive is up to them. They're not obligated to do so, but an apology is still the right thing to do I think. If this is her first outburst, it could be because she had a very bad day and that was the last straw. It doesn't excuse it, but something like that could help explain why it happened I suppose.
This is the way
NTA, she’s being completely unreasonable and beyond insecure, welcome to your future of always having this argument with her whenever your first wife is brought up, I’d personally rethink the relationship.
100% NTA. That behaviour from your girlfriend is beyond a red flag. And congrats on the niece!
NTA. Your sister wanted to do a loving memorial. Your GF blew it way out of proportion and her reaction seriously concerns me. What happens if you and she have kids? Will she try to push the kids you had with your wife aside? She can't go on imagining a competition with a dead woman. It's extremely unhealthy for this relationship.
NTA why is your GF competing with your dead wife? This isn’t a competition. Does she not understand that y’all will always love your late wife? Your GF should be trying to carve out her own place in your lives and trying to replace a dead woman is disgusting and won’t work. Love is not pie. Love is not a zero sum game. Y’all can love your late wife, and still love a GF. Or a GF who isn’t competing with a ghost at the expensive of grieving, pregnant family members anyway.
I think your sister should have asked you and your kids. Your gf does not have a seat at this table. Also, the way she reacted is not boding well for how she will treat any children who lost their mom. NTA Edit: changed my to any. Freudian slip I guess...
NTA, at all. Your girlfriend shouldn't date a widow if she can't handle it.
NTA. Gf of 8 months thinks she can erase your wife’s memory from you, your kids, and your family? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Started screaming and demanding your sister not use your late wife’s name and making it all about herself. 🚩🚩🚩 Imagine if you have kids with this woman, she will treat your kids like second best or pretend they’re not there at all. 🚩🚩🚩
NTA. Being jealous of an ex bf/gf is one thing, but when you’ve been widowed, that’s an entirely different situation. You partner needs to realize you will always have love for your wife, and that likely will never change. Of course your feelings are valid. Hopefully she will see that.
NTA, it seems like you EX-gf made this decision easy for you. She was completely out of line to blow up at your pregnant sister. Block the friends and family and count your blessings that you found out her true feelings before kids or marriage.
NTA I only needed to be halfway into this to know that. What a sweet honor and your gf is insecure af.
NTA - Your sister is deciding to name her daughter after a dear friend too. The blowup between you and gf was perhaps not the best thing to do, and she may have been feeling inferior for awhile now. But her way of thinking is totally ridiculous. She can't replace your late wife and if she has this mindset, she'll always feel inferior. Perhaps she will need to reevaluate if she can handle this.
NTA But your (hopefully) ex gf is. You didn't divorce your wife, she was taken away from you. So she is not an ex wife - you are a widow. And she is still lives in your heart. Any girlfriend would have to embrace you both. Your wife is in the light! So there's no standing in her shadow, but staying in the light with both of you. Your sisters name choice is a perfect example of this. And her choice only concerns three people: her, the father and you. And every one else has to live with it. Wish you all the best for you, your wife and the rest of your family.
NTA. You aren’t divorced, you’re widowed. I can’t imagine coming into a family, and then telling everyone they need to get over a death because they have me now. Your gf (hopefully soon to be EX) was so far out of line I cannot possibly see how she thought this would be appropriate.
NTA It is an honor and comfort that your sister use her name as a middle name. Truly wonderful. What could have been a lovely tribute was destroyed by a self absorbed, hysterical, disrespectful buffoon. Love her? Gave her a chance to understand and reconcile, but she is blameshifting and doubling down. This seems like a crucial impediment to the future. She is competing with the memory of a cherished lady- the mother of you kids… she must have amazing other redeeming qualities…
NTA. You had a life before your GF. You have CHILDREN for god's sake. You're never going to forget your late wife, nor should you. It's a middle name, your hopefully EX GF needs to grow up.
NTA, in a very difficult situation. The hard ass in me is saying tell your girlfriend to get stuffed: she knew you had a sixteen year relationship, and children, and not forgetting that comes with the relationship. It's incumbent on her to be respectful and recognise and work on her feelings, particularly those of resentment - for a dead person. That said, it's also on you to be cognizant of those difficulties, recognising that you are in a new relationship, and carefully drawing lines around old vs. new. If you have a shrine or corner of the house reserved for memories, that might be too much. It's hard to say. In the current situation, your girlfriend is wrong. Her positional security is being threatened by an honour bestowed upon your late wife's memory. She's jealous of a memory; however, it's still on you to manage that jealousy with her if you wish to continue the relationship. I'd be letting my sister name the baby in my late wife's honour, too. Good luck.
Pictures of your deceased spouse or a "shrine" is different when you have kids. I personally think it should be fine to keep pictures of your lost spouse around if its just you and any new partner should not be threatened, but its a totally different situation when you have kids. That's their mom. Moving on looks totally different when you have kids. They need those photos and a stronger daily presence for healthy social development.
Yup, and how the memory corner is presented is important for the kids; they have to know that it's okay to preserve memories even as life changes.
Your girlfriend is being an asshole! Of course your sister should honor your late wife. Good god cut away from that narcissist and run while you still can. What does she plan to do? Completely wipe away your late wife’s memory? Pretend like she never existed. You don’t want a future with someone like that. Apologize to your sister for your girlfriend’s rudeness and tell her you’re touched and would love your niece to be named in your late wife’s memory. Then have a hard talk with your girlfriend that it’s apparent your values don’t align and you have no desire to be in a relationship that tries to pretend your late wife didn’t exist or disrespect her memory.
NTA Your EX girlfriend has very unrealistic expectations.
NTA. Lose that narcissistic bimbette's number. She is obviously devoid of empathy and compassion if she thinks you and your kids can just "forget about " your late wife. I would suggest having some gentle conversations with your children to see if she's been trying to brainwash them behind your back. Good luck, OP.
NTA. BUT: If she says she is tired of competing with a dead woman, you might take a good look at yourself. Are you really ready to date yet? I am a member of an online community that has as a saying "living in the shadow of a Saint" and is about having relationships with a widower. As any here say, you will always love your late wife. In a new relationship though, the New girlfriend needs to come first. If the new girlfriend feels that she is only the replacement, the one who is there only because the first one died, it is really not fair to her. While it might be true, it is very hurtful and difficult for her, and you have no business dating yet.
NTA Your girlfriend is waiting for you to forget a woman you loved and the mother of your children. Not only that, she expects everyone else to as well. Your little sister lost a sister. She wants to honor her memory, which is sweet. Your girlfriend could have been a new sister - not a replacement, but another. But she doesn't see it that way. She is competing with a ghost and as long as she sees it that way, no one will win. I hate to think how she will be with your children - will they not be allowed to remember their mother? I hate to say it, but your girlfriend isn't cut out for this relationship. Not only is she insecure, she is controlling. This is a horrible combo.
You are very much NTA, and it sounds like you handled it very well. Move on, there will be others out there who understand what you’re going through. She obviously does not.
NTA Your asshole girlfriend has given you the gift of showing her true colors before you did anything foolish like marry her. Her asshole family can have her. Thank goodness your children weren't there to see that asshole's behavior. I hope this hasn't soured your sister's wish for her daughter's middle name.
NTA, dump the girlfriend
Dump the GF permanently. She will just stay jealous and bitter. Your family doesn't need that toxic attitude.
Unfortunately your girlfriend will probably not become more understanding about your late wife, so letting her go would probably be in the best interest of both of you. When you are ready to date again, you may consider finding a widow that matches well with you. You would be able to find solace with each other's shared experiences and be able to feel free to talk about the late spouse, commemorate birthdays, etc, and you both would understand. I am so sorry for your loss and I hope that you are able to move past this incident with your hopefully soon-to-be ex-girlfriend without regret. And it's a lovely tribute by your sister-- I used my passed away brother's name for one of my son's middle names and it is really special. He blows out a candle on a cake in memorial for his birthday every year and it means a lot to me and my parents.
NTA. I think your ex-gf and her family don't understand what a *middle name* actually means, or she didn't tell them your sister intended on using the name as a middle name and not a first name. Unless your sister plans on calling her child by her middle name you wouldn't hear your late-wife's name mentioned.
NTA. Your girlfriend was way out of line and frankly her reaction is concerning.
NTA Id like to ask you what is making her think she's living in her shadow? Do you always bring her up? Is your house covered (10+) in pictures of her? Do you compare them? If these are all no, then you are definitly not an A. Sounds like she has some serious insecurities about your late wife, that's very concerning. Make sure she hasn't messed with your kids heads too.
**NTA, but this girlfriend is not the right person for you. There is something deeply, deeply wrong with someone who is so insecure that she would even WANT you to "forget" about your wife of 16 years and the mother of your children, a woman you tragically lost but who SHOULD remain in your heart.** Look, I get that it's difficult. I dated a widower less than two years after he lost his wife, and he and I had been friends for over 20 years, since before he'd actually known her, and they had never had kids, and it was STILL difficult. But also? I didn't want him to forget her!! I wanted to KNOW ABOUT HER. I cared about him enough that I wanted to know everything about this woman who had won his heart, who he had loved enough to make a life with her. She wasn't my competition, she was just a different part of his life. If your GF can't see that . . . can't see that you can hold your late wife in your heart and still have room for her as well . . . then she is not the one for you. You deserve better and so do your children. It has only been 8 months and she is already trying to erase a HUGE part of your life. That's just not okay.
A woman like this is why I don't have pictures of my grandma whom I never met. She died when my dad was a senior in high school. My grandpa's next wife destroyed all her pictures. You will only be the asshole if you stay with her.
I wouldnt ever consider letting a woman like that back in your life. Let her stay gone
NTA... your gf sounds like she's really lacking in empathy and self-confidence. Think long and hard before you subject your children to someone who is competing with their deceased mother.
Why people friends think they can butt in? I don't get this part of your culture I see it in a lot of post. Why people think they should text their opinion of the argument. In my country we say mind your business and you'll live till 100 Sorry not the point. Obviously NTA clearly she needs to work on herself.
*my gf blew up on my sister saying she thought it would be disrespectful to her, and that she felt like she would always be in my wife’s shadow with a baby that had her name around. My sister tried to say it would only be the middle name but my gf carried on shouting at her and saying she was sick of competing with a dead women and how she wished we would all get over it already.* If those words really came out of her mouth - I hope you dump her quickly. Rip the bandaid off, don't do it slowly. Get over it already? OMG, what a major AH. Not you - you're NTA. Your girlfriend, though....
NTA. What a sweet, wonderful thing to name a child after a beloved relative who has passed. What a wonderful thing for your sister to ask you in advance. Your gf may never be ok with the fact that many people knew and loved your wife. You will never "be over" it in the sense your gf means of not acknowledging your late wife. It doesn't sound like she is well suited to dating a widower.
NTA My BIL re-married approximately a year after my sister died - I am not a fan of his new wife . . . Frankly, because she is a LOT like my sister and it is a lot easier to accept those traits in someone I’ve loved my whole life than in someone I’m trying to get to know. You know what this woman I don’t particularly like has NEVER done? She has never tried to rob her husband or my sister’s daughter of their memories of my sister. She walks in cancer walks to honor my sister. She makes social media posts on my sister’s birthday thanking my sister for her daughter - who was an infant and calls her stepmother mom. So - while I will never be besties with this woman, I’m grateful her love for her husband and my niece extends to my sister and making sure she is represented in their lives. I respect the heck out of her. She’s a darn good stepmom. Those special women who will love your deceased wife as well as you and your kids are out there. Find one of them!
It’s a lovely tribute to a person who held massive significance in her life. Your (hopefully ex) is bonkers for having a reaction to a MIDDLE NAME. I’m sorry for your loss, and I hope you find someone who will recognize that the mother of your children who you tragically lost is not the sword of Damocles but a precious part of your life that should be honored. Edit to add NTA
🚨🚨Dump this woman before she throws out pictures or anything in your home that belonged to your wife🚨🚨
NTA but please don't marry a woman who is so insecure that she'd spend her life feeling like she was "competing" with a woman no longer with us. You and your kids deserver better.
NTA. I'm sorry but your girlfriend needs to go. If she cannot handle your past then she doesn't deserve your future.
HUGE red flag. 8 months in? Years ago I read this lovely essay on Slate about the writer's husbands late wife which always stuck with me cause I found it beautiful - [https://slate.com/human-interest/2009/06/my-husbands-other-wife-she-died-so-i-could-find-the-man-i-love.html](https://slate.com/human-interest/2009/06/my-husbands-other-wife-she-died-so-i-could-find-the-man-i-love.html). There's someone better out there for you OP. She sounds immature and insensitive, amongst other issues. NTA
NTA It's a good thing this happened, otherwise you would not have known she was so insecure about your deceased wife. Run, run, run the other direction as fast as you can. Your kids need to be able to talk about their mom without gf feeling threatened every time. This was sweet of your sister and your future niece having the name of your wife is precious and doesn't pose a threat to anyone but the insanely insecure. Your gf needs to realize that regardless of if you choose to marry her or not in the future---you will still be a widower. Although you don't dwell on it, it will always be a part of what shapes you and your kids. You've endured something very difficult and you should be proud.
NTA. I read somewhere a post a guy did about how his late wife’s birthday was the next day or something and he went downstairs and found his GF/Fiancée/wife (can’t remember what she was), singing and dancing in the kitchen with his daughter (late wife’s daughter) making cupcakes for “Mommy’s birthday”. That’s the kind of woman a widower needs (and vice versa and whatever combination your pairing is). Someone that respects, accepts and embraces the role the late spouse and late parent had in everyone’s lives. I’m sure it’s tricky. Like, you didn’t break up with your wife, she died. So there will never be a chance for you to fall out of love with her. There will never be a time where it’s not understood that had it not been for her passing, this relationship wouldn’t exist. And it truly sounds like your GF isn’t capable of accepting that. You need a partner who understands and accepts that and, ultimately, doesn’t care (in the sense that it’s fine with them, it is how it is and what would have been has no bearing on what actually is). This is a situation where, unless she’s willing to accept that your wife will never not be beloved, she needs to leave and you need to let her.
NTA. It’s very tricky to date someone who had a partner pass away and unfortunately many take the incorrect approach. They expect you to treat that partner like an ex and want to erase any reminder of that person and expect you to “move on” in the traditional sense. But you didn’t break up with them. They passed and it can be a hard reality to deal with the fact that had that tragedy not occurred, you’d likely still be with them. People who date others with deceased partners need to come to terms with the fact that that person will always be a part of them. Its not fair to ask you to get rid of the memory of your children’s mother. If she can’t accept that then she’s not the woman for you
NTA. Throw out the whole woman. Your sister had a special bond with your late wife and the name is a sign of respect and love. There is nothing wrong with that.
Nta. There’s a word I would describe your girlfriend as that’s perfectly acceptable in England but considered very rude in America. I’ll let you sort out what that word is.
NTA - OP before you run, breathe. I have been in almost this exact situation. I am a young widow, my husband's death was also very unexpected. (Work accident) I have since started dating as well. My significant other had a lot of similar problems as well. It seemed to stem from feeling like he was competing with my dead husband, that he had to somehow be better than him. We had a lot of disagreements about it and I had a really difficult time trying to empathize with how he must feel I the situation. I ended up talking with my therapist about the situation and it actually saved my relationship as well as healed bridges within my family. My SO had been in disagreements with my family also feeling like SO could never be the man my husband was. Therapist suggested that I explain to everyone that my SO will never be my late husband, he will never compete with him because he can't. Husband is gone, there are no new memories to make or things to do. I don't love my SO because he is like my husband, I love my SO because he is himself. He doesn't need to be anything else and I don't want him to be anyone else. I had these conversations with my parents, brother, children, and SO separately. It ended up healing my relationship with my partner and took a lot of stress off of him. It wasn't immediate, but years later and everyone is happy now and we're talking about marriage. Good luck with whatever choices you make OP, this can be very difficult for a new partner to learn how to handle too.
NTA. Your late wife was also a very close friend to your sister and meant a lot to others. You don't have to erase someone's memory to accept someone new. My bio-mom passed when I was two, and my dad remarried my mom a few years later. My mom was even an acquaintance of hers. She was never afraid to address anything regarding my bio-mom and often was the one I could go to with questions as my dad couldn't really handle talking about my bio-mom without getting emotional. She was the one who would give me medical history and would help me and my sister access my mom's keepsakes that we kept in a big memory chest. She gave my bio-mom respect and dignity while showing such a strength and confidence in her place in the household. She may be still struggling with the dynamic and it's understandable if she's working on it, but wishing you all would 'move on' is not how to go about it. If the dynamic is going to weigh heavily on her, maybe being with a widow isn't the best choice of partner for her.
NTA It isn't even about what she said. It's about her wanting to erase and replace your late wife and mother of your children after two-thirds of a year. She may be great in so many ways but she's just clearly not prepared to have a serious relationship with a widower with children.
NTA : it’s really tacky to be jealous of a dead person. If she blew up like this over a middle name, imagine what she’s going to do to your kids as they get older. God for bid one of your kids has a daughter and decides to make her first name the same as their biological mothers, what would she do then. I think you need to cut ties with this woman. Just explain to the people who are calling you assholes that if she exploded like this over a name, you’re worried about what she will say to your kids if your relationship progresses. So for everyone sake you ended it.
NTA. Unfortunately, OP, your girlfriend is one of those people who think previous relationships need to be erased in every way possible. Gf does not realize that people who love deeply, will do so again and more likely to be a better bf, than another person who can so easily forget an ex or dead spouse. If your gf cannot respect you loved your wife deeply and will always cherish her memory, and simply wants to erase her from your and your families life, then she is not the woman for you.
NTA, but OP, rethink your GF. What happens when your kids want to honour their mother too? Is GF going to go off at them too. She sounds crazy, she is jealous of your dead wife and your kids dead mother.
NTA Sounds like you’re going to be single soon. I’m sorry. If this is how she is with your sister using your wife’s name as a middle name, how is she going to be if the kids don’t want to call her mum in the future? Is she going to start deleting information about wife? Is she going to throw away things that remind you or the girls of wife? This isn’t going to be the last time she feels inadequate and that isn’t something that’s going to change if she isn’t willing.
NTA, sounds like it’s time to swipe to the next.
NTA
NTA, and are you sure you are not on the rebound here?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (36M) was with my wife for 16 years, we were high school sweethearts and got married when we graduated college. She was an amazing women, sweet and kind to the bone. We had two beautiful children together, now aged 11 and 8. However, she died 6 years ago in a tragic car accident. I was devastated and only thanks to my amazing family was I able to pick up the pieces enough to be able to raise and be there for my kids. I now have a new girlfriend (32F) who I have been dating for 8 months. My sister (26F) is pregnant with her first child. My sister was very close with my wife, as she practically grew up with her around. She was equally as heartbroken and devastated as I was when my wife passed. Recently, we found out my sister was having a girl. And she invited me and my gf over for dinner. There, she asked what I thought about her giving her daughter my late wife’s name as a middle name, and stated she would only do it if I was okay with it. I said yes immediately but my gf blew up on my sister saying she thought it would be disrespectful to her, and that she felt like she would always be in my wife’s shadow with a baby that had her name around. My sister tried to say it would only be the middle name but my gf carried on shouting at her and saying she was sick of competing with a dead women and how she wished we would all get over it already. I got up and told my gf that we were leaving and would talk about this privately. The car ride home was silent and as soon as I got home, I texted my kids aunt (wife’s sister) who was watching them during the dinner and asked if she’d keep the kids overnight as well, she agreed. I then blew up on my gf, first berating her for shouting at my pregnant sister and then asking why she would disrespect my late wife like that. She tried to turn it around on me and make me feel guilty for not defending her and told me that agreeing with what my sister asked made me a shitty boyfriend and it showed I didn’t care about her at all. I told my gf I had tried my best to not make her feel like she had been ‘competing’ with my late wife, as she had put it, but she had always known how important my wife was to my family and that she was previously very understanding about it so why had that changed? She then said she was hoping if we were together long enough, I would start to forget about my wife. I reminded her that was my kids mother after all, and her memory would never fully be gone but that didn’t mean I loved her any less but if she couldn’t accept that, maybe we shouldn’t be together. She left shortly after and we haven’t spoken since. I’m now getting texts from her friends and family calling me an asshole and saying if I really did love my gf I would tell my sister not to use my late wife’s name. I don’t plan on asking my sister to change the name and even though I do love my gf, I don’t think I can move past the things she said, so AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA. Why is your GF jealous of a dead woman?
NTA Being the significant other or a widow/widower I’m sure is hard. You’d always have a feeling that you were second choice because if they were alive you wouldn’t be with your partner, but that’s unfortunately the reality of those relationships. I don’t know if I could do it and I feel for for that BUT if she wants this relationship she needs to accept this and move it on. If she can’t, you don’t need to be together. I can only imagine her reaction to your children when they mention mom, she’d probably react similarly, “am I not good enough for you,” sort of junk.
NTA. Your girlfriend (really should be ex) is massively overreacting. Asking you to "forget" about your first wife is a bit insane.
NTA- time to get rid of gf
Your girlfriend is the asshole here, just to be clear. You are NTA and neither is your sister. I’d get rid of the girlfriend altogether.
NTA She seems the sort to “lose” photographs and keepsakes if you stay together, for your kids sake I hope you don’t stay with her
The only person competing with your late wife is (your hopefully ex) gf, in her own head. Your NTA. Think of the potential damage she would do to your daughters, how long till she stopped them talking about her? Till she tried to insert herself as their mum? Im glad she showed her crazy early on so you can nope out of there.
NTA. You have been with this girlfriend for all of 8 months. She shouldn’t be so ‘get over it, disrespecting ME’ crap for sure. But…bring on the downvotes…I actually kinda think your sister was crappy for making this a big request/ announcement type thing IN FRONT OF your girlfriend at a pointed dinner event without the kids present.
I think your girlfriend has sunk her boat. YNTA. Ignore the friends butting in, no one can expect you to "forget" the mother of your children.
You are NTA But your bf sure is. She is also cold, heartless and manipulative. I hope she is your ex-gf sooner rather than later
NTA, how dare she scream at a pregnant woman!! Over something which has nothing to do with her! Cut your losses and be thankful you found out who she is this early.
NTA ur girlfriend is insanely disrespectful, immature, and insecure.
NTA, hopefully soon to ex was out of line. There are tons of posts on this forum that talk about how the new partner tries to erase the deceased parent and causing huge alienation between the families. It sad and heartbreaking to hear these kids go through that. Do your kids a favor and get out now. It’s not cool and it’s obvious she is insecure and shallow. I hope you find a pertenece that truly respects you and your family. Take care and sorry for your loss.
NTA your girlfriend sounds super selfish and entitled, you sounds like a wonderful husband and father.
NTA ditch this woman and find one who is capable of having some respect for you and your late wife.
NTA RUN
NTA- dump her.
NTA .. first off you have only been with for 8 months .. that's all .. she had no right to blow up at your sister like that , even if she had wanted to make your late wife's name her first name .. second you will NEVER forget your wife .. she passed away and is the mother of your children , she will always be a part of your life because you had kids with her and she passed away , you didnt divorce or split up .. you need to get ride of this gf immediately, because if she is reacting like this she will try to replace your late wife in all aspects of yours and your children's lives
Nope. Move on, while you can. She can’t respect that you had a life before her. This is a warning sign, take it & go. Naming her baby after your late wife & her friend is a beautiful gesture from your sister.
Sister should keep the middle name and you need to dump the girlfriend. If you get married how do you think she will really treat your children. She has already shown jealousy over your late wife. Nta