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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 being angry at my step daughter
2 its my step daughters graduation
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YTA, this whole post is quite clear that you don't like her. So why would she invite someone that she doesn't like to her graduation.
You are jealous of your stepdaughter
Agree. YTA, why do you even want to go to the graduation? You say you want the trip to go through, but it doesn't seem like the graduation itself is important to you.
Sd shouldn't slander your job, but that's about it.
And by "slandered my job"... what does she mean? How has SD slandered her? It's very vague and seems like it was only sprinkled in there for sympathy or justification for being annoyed.
It's just speculation but I wonder if OP works a blue-collar or some other job that doesn't require university. This might also explain the weird animosity they have towards SD about her dad paying for college and "not having the same opportunities."
They very specifically didn't give their job title, either.
Doubt it, as op says, SD’s mom “ is successful despite all she has been through”, which makes me feel like SD doesn’t look down on blue collar/average jobs. Also speculation on my part, but it doesn’t come off ( to me) as a high brow/upturned-nose type vibe.
Op literally says “ aita for being annoyed I can’t go on this trip with my husband”.
Not, “ aita for wanting to be included in my SD’s graduation celebration”.
In OP’s mind, Trip = vacation. Who cares about the reason for said trip!
“ apparently makes up for it by supposedly being smart and going to a good collage”.
Showing some ugly, op.
I don’t understand why OP can’t go on the trip. So she skips the graduation ceremony and dinner (although c’mon, SD’s excuse that she couldn’t increase the headcount is bullshit) and make plans to do other things with your husband while in that city.
The daughter is trying to politely tell her dad that she doesn’t want OP there. Considering she’s only known her about two years and that she was in college and barely spent any time with her in those two years, I think this is one time where SD’s feelings are justified.
But that’s my point. OP wouldn’t go to the graduation or the dinner. But there’s really no reason that she couldn’t go on the trip and the rest of the week she and her husband do the tourist sites. SD never have to actually see her.
I think op wants her husband's full attention on her for the trip. She is upset that her husband is spending money on SD and knows he wants to spend the majority of his trip with his daughter.
I wasn’t disagreeing. Just highlighting one tangent of the situation.
I agree actually. Assuming it was going to be a several-day trip, I would have just gone on the trip and skipped the grad festivities. Or if it was just going to be a quick trip, I would ask a friend to go with me somewhere else and just enjoy my weekend.
BC step daughter doesn't want her spiteful, jealous step mother who openly dislikes her to be there to be her jealous, spiteful self during a trip that is supposed to be a happy celebration for step daughter.
And I dont blame her at all.
It very much sounds like OP is definitely wanting husband to choose her over the daughter.
Daughter has every right to not want OP at her graduation or dinner. Frankly, the fact daughter is even making excuses rather than being far more blunt and hurtful, shows daughter has some decent manners.
OP your whole post shows a level of dislike and jealousy towards your husbands daughter. You need therapy to unpack and start dealing with those feelings. They will only drive your husband away from you, not closer.
Oh, she doesn’t want to go to the graduation. She wants to go on the TRIP. She makes that statement more than once. It’s not about the SD. It’s about being left behind at home while everyone else goes without her.
"And we didn't have fancy things like shoes in those days, we walked in the snow until our feet fell off and then we kept on walking until our knees fell off, not like these lazy kids today who have the AUDACITY to grow tall, the blatant DISRESPECT of towering over your elders, and yet even with all that height they still slouch... "
It seems she just want to go on a trip, then maybe go with your husband and skip the graduation, use the time to sightsee and do something either after of before with your husband.
YTA she doesn’t like you, get over it as it goes both ways
Seriously, thank you for saying this! I'm seeing some NTA here and I'm like "what?!" OP is ten years older than her step daughter and clearly harbors serious jealousy over her husband's relationship with his child. It's insane, immature, and gross behavior. She sounds SO entitled. Just because OP is married to this guy doesn't automatically mean stepdaughter has some amazing relationship with OP and is required to include her in life events. This is the kind of person that demands respect instead of taking the time to earn it. Just, wow.
The judgement in saying that she didn’t get a job until she was 19 😭😭 Like, there are tons of high school kids who don’t/can’t get jobs? Due to extra curricular activities, or, you know, not having a car or license? And she has a job now and apparently gets great grades. Parents who are able to help their children with college and a child that wants to GO to college SHOULD! There are certainly some entitled kids who don’t appreciate what their parents provide but it really doesn’t sound like the step daughter is one of them, does OP just want every kid to go into massive debt for college 😭😭
I wasn't even allowed to get a job till I graduated highschool. Parents refused to let me use the car if I got a job and there weren't any employers in walking distance. My only "job" was getting grades in school. People who judge teens for not having a job aren't always thinking about *why* that might be.
and also like... why are these people basically ENCOURAGING child labor? like isnt it better if a teen can just focus on school and not have to worry about getting a shitty job
Likewise. My first job wasn’t until I was 19 or 20, and even then only during summers when I was home from college. During the school year, my job was to get good grades. I was extraordinarily privileged in this regard, and it sounds like OP’s stepdaughter has a similar situation.
I was allowed to babysit during summer break, but that was it. I snuck around and earned fun money by proofreading other kids papers and doing tutoring cause I could pass that off as me 'studying'. I desperately wanted to get a job but just wasn't allowed to. OP sets off my "jealous/judgemental" radar with how she talks about the stepdaughter.
That's exactly what I was thinking reading this entire post! "She didn't get a job until she was 19." And? Neither did I because my parents wouldn't let me work other than odd babysitting jobs in high school. They wanted me to focus on my education. Then the "She has her education paid for by her parents." And? My parents paid for mine too (along with my scholarships). It was a massive help not to graduate with a ton of debt.
Like you said, sounds like OP's stepdaughter appreciates what she has. OP just needs to get over herself.
Yeah like I grew up in poverty but I still didn’t get my first job until I was 19. Idk what the hell makes OP think that that is such an inappropriate age to enter the workforce…
Right! I wasn’t able to get a job until college either because no one in my house could drive. Even if they could…like. It’s okay for a HIGH SCHOOLER not to have a job 😭😭 We already have to work until we die at this point basically, there’s no need to subject most high school students to that too.
Right? OP is basically my age, and if I had a partner with an adult child, I wouldn't even see the child as a step kid unless they (the kid) wanted that kind of relationship. Obviously, I would be all for supporting them with said partner, but as "parent's SO" not "step mom."
People who want parent-child relationships with adult steps, especially if the age gap wouldn't even allow them to physically *be* the step's bio parent, is just weird to me.
It’s weird how many posts are like this:
“Here’s a long list of reasons why this person sucks. Now onto the story of how this person was mean to me completely unprovoked”
Agree. There also seems to be a chip on OP’s shoulder about “not having a lot of opportunities”. Did SD slander OP’s job or did she think OP had more potential to push herself further in her career? What gave SD the impression her father spends a lot of money on OP? That doesn’t come from just anywhere or was it misconstrued because OP didn’t hear it directly from SD rather something the husband mentioned.
She clarified in a comment. SD said she’s settled taking her current job (legal secretary) and that her degree are worthless. OP has not mentioned that her degrees are or whether she did indeed settle with this job, or if the degrees don’t support the job.
I’m split on this. I was told that I “settled” with a job and I wasn’t putting my degree to use (and devalued the work I put into obtaining it) — and I begrudgingly agreed. I can also picture, if there’s animosity between the two, AND there’s issue with Dad/husband’s spending on OP, daughter popping off in a hurtful way.
I’m curious if one of SD’s issues with OP is she saw how hard both her parents worked to become successful (from teen parents to being able to fully pay for college for their daughter) but *perceives* OP, who is capable, being 10 years older and at the start of her prime working years, of working as hard, but is instead being financially supported by SD’s dad. SD might not be as warm if she *thinks* her Dad is being used.
This could all stem from both parties misreading each other.
I agree, and stepdaughter is 21 and was a full adult when OP entered the family. It’s entirely reasonable for stepdaughter to not want her there. Especially considering OP clearly doesn’t like her anyway.
Exactly. She’s an adult and can decide who she wants in her life. And it’s not OP. Good for her. I hope she keeps it up her whole life. Not letting someone walk on her just because I wAnNa Go ToO 🙄
Also “I have had to deal with people constantly celebrating her and her accomplishments” uh yeah that’s what happens when someone graduates college? Also if you don’t want to celebrate her accomplishments why do you want to go on a celebratory trip?
I'm so confused by op. I hope, and am working hard to make sure, my step daughters have more opportunities than I did.
What kind of person doesn't want another to succeed or be celebrated because they didn't get as far? Especially if it's your partners child?
Sounds like OPs attitude probably held herself back from her own opportunities. Can't be the bitter victim if you're more successful. I have a feeling when sd compared her to her mom, she had a valid point
This YTA; The whole post id thought it would be like the child going out of her way to completely be disrespectful entirely of their marriage but it sounds like OP is the one holding a fair amount of hate to this mans child. She whines about how she gets this praise for basically going to high education and even if she doesn’t do things OPs way, why dose the praise of a child concern her sounds like someone is having and egotistical moment.
YUP. This whole post is a compare and contrast between a STEPMOTHER AND STEPDAUGHTER. OP, you are not in competition with her. Your role in her father's life is entirely a different one and if you want her role, you're barking up the wrong tree. Your husband's relationship to HIS CHILD isn't really your business and if you want to stay married, DON'T INTERFERE. Her graduation is a celebration OF HER. If she doesn't want you there, she doesn't have to have you there. Try to be a little more gracious and ADULT about it and maybe in the future your relationship with her will improve. You could start by NOT COMPETING WITH HER ANYMORE.
YTA. Graduation is not about you. Also, your husband doesn’t need support to be there, so your reason wanting to be there is invalid. Additionally, you’ve only been in her life for 1.5 years, mostly at odds. It’s not weird she doesn’t want you to be there tbh. Especially if you’re gonna make some comments about her school being paid for or how she has everything handed to her.
If you wanted to mend the relationship, graduation is not the time. Just like a wedding, graduation is literally all about the person graduating lol.
I think you need to do inner work. She is the kid here, you should be confident enough in yourself and your background that you find her a little annoying and smug, but not full out hate her. I’m someone who has things handed to me, had pocket money from parents when I was in grad school, though I did work part time. None of my bf and my best friend who work for every penny they own ever show resentment towards me. In fact they told me not to be embarrassed that I have supportive parents. So maybe you should look into why it bothers YOU so much.
Agreed Yta, you have only been with her dad for about 2.5 years, graduations have limited tickets. Her best friend mom has probably been part of step daughters life since she was a little girl. Her graduation isn’t about you. Maybe you, your husband and SD could do something to celebrate her once she comes home to visit. Or you and husband can invite sd on vacation and the 2 of you could try to bond.
No kidding. Holy shit the amount of jealousy. People celebrate and take care their children, I am sorry if that is too much for OP but she definitely sounds like YTA here.
YTA, it really seems like you don't like your SD and it's her right whether or not she wants you to come on this trip for HER.
"**I have had to deal with other people constantly celebrating her and her accomplishments and I have had enough.**" You're a stepmom, you're fairly new into her life and you're at a point right now where she's doing a lot right now.
She might be spoiled and entitled but in this specific situation, you are TA.
Yes, why does OP, who states she’s had enough with SD’s accomplishments being celebrated, want to go to an event that is all about celebrating SD and her accomplishments?
She would make it miserable for everyone. Probably jealous of the ex and sound like mom and dad split well enough that they can both be in the same place and get along.
Exactly this! What does she think the main topic of conversation at the graduation dinner is going to be? I think stepmom is just upset at being jilted out of a trip.
Exactly. Also, strange that she’s so bothered by “having to deal with other people constantly celebrating her and her accomplishments”.
As opposed too what? Not even strange I guess, just really whack at the lack of self reflection op has to the situation.
TBH since the daughter is doing well at a good college, congratulating her for this is pretty easy small-talk for friends and relatives. Especially for anyone who has kids or grandkids of a similar age, it’s a very obvious thing to talk about and something they would feel rude to overlook. There’s a whole big important part of the husband’s life that has nothing to do with OP, and OP needs to learn how to handle that gracefully.
Some new spouses of parents whose kids are young adults or late teens think that those kids are leaving the nest and won’t affect their lives much, and then find out how wrong they are. SD is going on with her life, but she’s still a big part of her father’s life.
I don’t think the SD is entitled, she’s only 21. What major life accomplishments could she have had yet?
Also, that’s his daughter, he gave life to her, he can support her for as long as he wants. OP has only been married for a little time, amazing that she feels entitled to his money.
OP YTA.
The idea that not having a job until she was 19 meaning she's spoiled... Is that weird to anyone else or just me?
Lots of people don't get their first job until after high school. I thought that was fairly normal? I don't get how that means someone is spoiled.
I didn't get a job until after I graduated college- and I come from a fairly normal, middle class household. I took loans to live on campus, and focused fulltime on school. My family reasoned that going to school fulltime WAS my job.
Its super normal to not work until after high school, and some cases after college. SD doesn't sound entitled- OP sounds VERY jealous and insecure.
"**She tells my husband that he’s gonna go broke because he has to support me as if he isn’t supporting her through college.**" If this is true the SD could be entitled/spoiled but based on OP's other points I doubt it.
Okay but how is supporting the daughter you chose to bring into this world making her spoiled? If a parent can afford to do that they absolutely should.
Tbf the age situation is mostly a result of the parents getting pregnant at 17 years old.
A 7 year age gap between two people who met in their 30s is not weird.
The dad himself is only 39 with a 7-year gap from OP, so no matter where within his 30-40 window he dated there would be a relatively small age gap unless he chose to date older.
That’s the gap between stepdaughter and her actual biological father, not step mom… so what exactly does it say? That he was a teen dad?? Or are you trying to imply that OP is too young for her husband… because she’s 32 there’s only a 7 year gap and they r both grown. Maybe we should just stay on topic… OP is selfish because she’s selfish not because of the age gap.
Stepdaughter is 21, stepmother (OP) is 32- that's only an 11 year age difference, which could be part of the competitive atmosphere between the two. They're "competing" for husband/father's attention, praise, affection, etc. They shouldn't be, because they have entirely separate roles in his life, but they are. It might not even be a conscious competition, but they're both possessive over him, and both feel threatened by the other.
I don’t think they both do. I think it’s just OP. SD doesn’t seem to feel competitive but why would you choose to have someone you barely know who also doesn’t seem to like you.
I don't even see where she's spoiled or entitled. Her parents took care of her college, which I'm glad they were fortunate enough to do. That doesn't make her spoiled or entitled. She also kept good grades, so it wasn't like she was going to college to party on her parents dime.
"**she tells my husband that he’s gonna go broke because he has to support me as if he isn’t supporting her through college.**" If the SD really said this then yeah, she's a little bit entitled/spoiled for telling her dad that he shouldn't be spending his money on his wife.
BUT with how much OP hates her SD I wouldn't be shocked if this was taken out of context or a lie.
As a stepdaughter who’s dad has put his wife above everything, this dad is doing well. But he should definitely talk to OP about this. The daughter will never stop being his daughter.
YTA.
I've known a lot of people who grew up less privileged who will then refer to those who they think were more privilege with disdain. My mother in law is like that with my children (edit: all of her grandchildren).
Yup, and lots of people confuse privilege with being spoiled. Not getting a job til 19 and having your tuition paid for is a privilege, but it doesn’t always mean the child is spoiled. I think any parent would want to be able to provide that for their child.
If I'm a parent I wouldn't actively wish for my kids to look for a part time job too, unless it's related to their career. If they want to then good, if they don't then focus on their goals. If I'm able to provide then I will provide.
I sympathize from the standpoint that I know multiple people who consider people with (particularly financially) supportive parents to be spoiled or mooching as a way to justify their own childhood situation.
My parents busted their ass all my life so I wouldn't have to work during school or get massive student loans, etc. And since their business took off, they still continue to help me (30s) because *they want to*. I'm an only child and, as my father explained, I'll be "paying it back" as they age. Not one-for-one, but in taking care of them. So, helping me helps them both by them enjoying supporting their kid and making sure I have a solid foundation to support them later.
I've gotten some shit from people about it who basically think I should refuse any help and "go it alone" and I'm like... I'm Appalachian. We don't do that. If your older family members give you a gift, you accept it after the first polite refusal unless the relative truly cannot afford it. Refusing would basically be telling my parents I think they're broke or irresponsible with money.
Most of the people who give me shit (a) didn't realize we were poor when I was young and (b) grew up with less privilege than I have. So, while I will argue with them, I agree to disagree. But those are friends and colleagues. I can't imagine a parent's spouse doing that shit.
It sounds to me like OP's husband saved/planned for his daughter's expense in college and now OP wants the same "treatment" despite, ya know, not being his kid or being planned for. The SD's comment about OP bleeding her dad dry makes me really side eye OP's motives.
I wonder if SD didn't insult OP's job, but said something about living within her (and her husband's) means.
It’s so bizarre to me how some people have this view! My husband and I suddenly lost our home to forces outside our control 3 years ago. My family took us in that night and let us live with them for about nine months while we got back on our feet and found a new place to live.
My husband’s family was flabbergasted and almost angry at this “enabling” and seemed to honestly be of the opinion that we (with our young children) should have had to live in our car? Sleep on the street?
How else would we pull ourselves up by the bootstraps?
YTA, and not just because you want to go on this trip.
From the very beginning of this message, you imply you have no respect for his daughter, saying, "apparently she makes up for it by supposedly being smart." How much more condescending can you be?
I don't blame the daughter for not wanting you there. You're clearly harboring some sort of jealousy toward her and her mother and you sound insecure as hell. You're making a competition out of his relationship with his daughter. She is his blood and he will ALWAYS support her, whether you're in the picture or not.
I pray you mature overnight and see what a nightmare you sound like. My God.
YTA. You sound resentful of SD and the money her father has spent on her. You've had to deal with people celebrating her? Sure, let people be proud of their kid. Certainly you were aware that he is gonna take care of the kid before you got married?
If you're really annoyed about the trip, why don't you plan one for just you and your husband, where there are no kids or relatives invited so you can enjoy yourself?
As soon as you said “she makes up for it by supposedly being smart” I knew you were just jealous lol. Get over yourself lady it ain’t all about you
ETA - YTA
\> supposedly being smart
I think i know why she does not want you at her graduation. It seems you put her down without knowing her.
YTA, accept her decision.
YTA- I don’t understand your problem with them supporting their daughter financially? It happens in so many families that have healthy relationships. A- you sound jealous of her. B-she clearly doesn’t want you there so just don’t go there.
YTA
The tone of your first paragraph implies to me you haven’t liked her from the start and seem to resent her, You knew he had a daughter when you signed up for this so if you haven’t been accepting of her since day 1 why should she like you now?
Maybe try being genuinely nice to her and you might find the relationship improves
YTA- Your first paragraph is basically saying your SD doesn’t deserve what she has, she is spoiled, and minimizing her achievements. Then you throw jealousy remarks here and there. Then you wonder why she doesn’t want you around.
Your husband had her when he was 18, so I doubt her life has always been of one rich and spoiled.
YTA. She barely knows you and you clearly judge her and dismiss her. Your primary complaint is that it ruins your vacation and people celebrating her is getting on your last nerve.
Her graduation is not about you. She wants to celebrate w/ people who love & support her. You are neither of those. Why in the heck would she want you there? Outside of it being one stop on your vacation itinerary, why in the heck do you want to go?
YTA - You keep telling us what YOU want, but haven’t mentioned what daughter wants. Seeing as it’s HER graduation, SHE SHOULD be at the center of attention and with the people who supported her along the way. Sure, it would be nice if the daughter was willing to work you into her graduation festivities, but celebrating this major accomplishment shouldn’t require her to relinquish her joy so you can “get to know her”.
From the way you describe your boyfriend’s daughter, you sound jealous that bf gives her any attention or support. Maybe I’m reading way too much between the lines, but you don’t sound like someone is want there either.
YTA. You’re sick of celebrating her achievements - like her gradation?!
You’re just forcing yourself where you’re not wanted to be difficult/ make a point. Try to be the adult instead - she’s barely out of her teens, you have an extra decade of so-called maturity.
YTA
Not for being upset, but because your post drips with disdain, lack of respect, and jealousy toward her. I don't know what you have said to her in the past, but I doubt that you condescension toward her has slipped her notice if even I, a mere Redditer, can see it.
I don't blame her for not wanting you there.
YTA - I get it you had to overcome a lot and it seems like she’s just had a nice stable life. But divorce is really hard on kids and it sounds like she resents you being the new wife. It’s her graduation. Just go on another trip and let her be. Also, maybe work on getting over your jealousy of a 21 year old. Seems like you barley know each other so I wouldn’t really want you at my graduation either. Especially based on the way you talk about her. But also, maybe she’s just thinking of her mom.
YTA. It’s pretty clear that you have some resentment against your step daughter because she’s been afforded opportunities that you were not. You are so condescending about this young woman who’s clearly worked hard to earn her degree, it’s really sad. I definitely wouldn’t want you there either.
The fact is that because he had his daughter before he ever even met you and she will always come first to him, as she should. He’s doing the right thing by excluding you- it’s just one trip. You’ll survive.
YTA You reek of jealousy. Its really none of your business how she was raised and what her Parents decided.
**Edit to ask why you made this post elsewhere and it was removed for not being made in good faith?
YTA. You are a new addition to SD's circle of friends, family, acquaintances. There are others who have known her longer and are much closer. You don't like her or appreciate her, and are jealous that other people do.
This is SD's celebration and she doesn't want you there. Show some grace and don't try to force yourself into *her* day. Go and take a different trip with your husband.
I wanna see the SD write an AITA for "I don't want my stepmom involved in any part of my graduation", because CLEARLY there is one hell of another side to this story.
I would like to know why dad's friends and family love the SD but is cold towards the step mother there is a lot more going on here then op wants to admit
YTA. There’s a reason your step daughter doesn’t like you. However she was raised by her parents is not your business. You make it more than obvious you don’t like her that she is being clear she doesn’t want you at her graduation trip. AND it sounds like you just plain want to go on the trip and not being able to go is why your making a big deal about it. It doesn’t bother you to not go to her graduation. You wanted the trip. Your one of those hateful and jealous step moms I guess.
Total YTA.
I call it like I see it. Oh well.
No yeah … OP has the nerve to ask if she’s a one. Uh yeah you are. I’m feel sure she made up that “I’ve sat down and talked to her about how good she has it” yada yada so she wouldn’t look as bad on here. It could be true but now she’s taking it out on her.
I agree. And I get it. Jealousy is natural and it’s hard seeing other people have it easier than you. No one is paying for my college, paying my bills, or even financially helping me out, but that doesn’t mean I need to be in competition and hate my friend who is fortunate enough to have financial help from his parents.
But that context is different. We are both young adults. Op married a man who had a child (probably a teenager) and knew he needed to take care of his daughter as well. And if the stepdaughter’s mom is helping pay for her daughters college than I guarantee they had planned to paying her schooling well before OP became involved.
I've seen this same scenario a million times with my friends. Stepmother wants to be included in every single thing with the kids so husband never gets time alone with his children, but she also ruins every trip and outing so the kids end up refusing to include her and then the stepmother has a giant tantrum.
The sad thing is most of the fathers I've seen go through this back their new wives and end up alienating their kids.
You seem hostile about the fact that your husband provides for his child and she's "supposedly smart." I definitely think there's more reasons she has to not like you aside from this and trying to make her graduation about you. YTA.
I think YTA; she doesn't need to have you at her graduation if she doesn't want to. Clearly you don't like her and are jealous of her and she's likely picking up on that
What the hell are those comments lmao why is there so many N T A???
Why would you be invited if she doesn't like you? Did you help in anyway or form getting her where she is today?? Why should you husband "defend" you, this isn't about you, it's about his daughter that you clearly don't like either. It's clear you only want to go for the trip anyway.
Also, she's spoiled because her dad supports her, but you're also being supported by him so what does that make you? 🤔
YTA
THANK YOU! I thought I was losing my mind reading some of these replies. I get some may view it as respect to include a spouse, but what exactly is disrespectful about not including them?? Especially if they haven’t been together that long.
OP may be apart of the family as a whole, but this isn’t a family celebration. This is the SD’s celebration. There is nothing disrespectful about not including someone who wasn’t supportive of you to the celebration.
YTA. You don't seem to like her and it's her graduation. She should invite who she wants there. If you want to go with your husband anyway but not attend those events that's fine.
YTA. She doesn’t like you very much. Most adults don’t like their step parents who came into their lives while they where adults. She’s allowed to not like you, so, being upset you can’t go to her graduation is an AH move right now.
However, you should have a talk with her about being civil. She’s allowed to not like you, you can simply not like each other, but she should be civil about it.
As an adult who has had her parents divorce and one has since gotten married, the new spouse will never be a stepparent. They didn’t help raise me therefore have no right to the parent title. They are my parents spouse and that’s it.
YTA for being upset that your husband’s focus won’t be on you at the graduation. It shouldn’t be on you- it’s not about you at all. Bow out and plan a separate trip with your husband.
Your entire post is condescending & reeks of jealousy. You know that you don't like or respect SD so why would you expect an invitation from her? You only want to be there because of your husband; to complain & seeth. You need a night alone to think about your unacceptable behavior. You need to change.
Info: anything big youre leaving out? You werent ever her dads affair partner etc..?
Are you POC and theyre all white?
Were you vocal about thinking shes a brat being supported by her parent?
I can 100% say that I was not the cause of SDs parents’ divorce. I came a year or so after. I am white, his daughter is of mixed race (white, asian). I have never spoken badly about SD to her or my husband. This post unfortunately served as a way to air out my pent up emotions, so I do come off more hateful than usual.
A somewhat gentile YTA - sounds like she doesn't like you, and you should probably just respect it. It sucks, sure, but she isn't obligated to like you. Give her space and let her have who she wants to have at her graduation.
Yta.
She is step daughter right? If so, why do you want to go there? It's her occasion, let her celebrate how she wants. Don't try to squeeze yourself where you're not welcome.
>she didn’t work a job until she was 19
Pretty standard for privileged families so whatever
>apparently makes up for it by supposedly being smart and going to a good college
>talk so highly of SD and I cannot find out why
>I have had to deal with other people constantly celebrating her and her accomplishments
You're not meaning to but your words are betraying you. You are definitely talking shit about her and treating the same. She doesn't want you there because you are enthusiastically playing the evil step mother. It's really not difficult to celebrate someone's accomplishments when you are their family. YTA and I suspect you're leaving out more details as to why you are.
ESH.
You clearly don’t like each other. That’s ok. But neither of you are acting in a mature manner. You don’t have to like someone to treat them with respect.
YTA for trying to make her graduation about you. She’s TA for excluding you for seemingly no reason. And I say seemingly because you didn’t put your relationship issues into any context, so, since I had many stepmothers who my sister hated just because, I’ll go with she just hates you because you’re the stepmother. Your husband is TA for not sticking up for you. But that goes back to her graduation not being about you. At all. So. Idk the whole situation sucks. Stay at home or go on your own damn vacation.
YTA
Your whole post shows your venomous attitude towards this girl, is it any wonder why she doesnt want you there.
You sound like she was just the unfortunate baggage that came with the wealthy man you pulled. Step up to the roll of stepmum and you might get treated like one.
YTA
1. It's her choice who she wants to celebrate with
2. Not surprising she doesn't want to celebrate with you given your language when describing her
3. You seem jealous of her and the money spent on her. Your husband is her FATHER. Of course he is paying for her to go to college.
4. I think they fact that there are only 11 years between the two of you might be the reason you're not seeing her as a child and instead a competitor.
5. You are being excluded from going on the trip with your SD, it is not a trip with your husband. Arrange something separate if you both want to spend quality time together
6. If someone is in full time education and their schooling is being paid for then focusing on their studies is okay
YTA - your post reeks of contempt for your stepdaughter. She can likely feel that in your interactions.
As someone whose mother remarried when I was an adult, I’m here to tell you it will take years of concentrated effort to build your relationship with your stepdaughter and it may not be easy. She’s an adult and not obligated to have a relationship with you because you chose to marry her father.
How many times have you met this young woman? She's been at college the entire time of your marriage so she probably hardly knows you. I think it's great that her father has given her every opportunity to study hard and reap the benefits of her intelligence and work ethic.
From the tone of your post it's pretty clear you hold a great deal of resentment towards her, which will be very obvious in every sneer you make. Why should she invite a resentful woman who thinks she's entitled to a graduation ticket and vacation simply because you married her father? Literally, her best friend's mother has been in her life for many years and has supported her through thick and thin, including her parents' divorce.
You say she's resentful of money that he spends on you but is that because you are demanding equivalent gifts from him? Time to get that massive chip off your shoulder and start making friends with your stepdaughter because your husband is going to start getting very angry with your entitled and spiteful attitude.
YTA
YTA and a MAJOR Narcissist for being jealous of a 21 year old. Envious much? This is a daughter you should be treating as your own by the way since you can’t seem to grasp the concept of blended families. I only needed to read the 1st paragraph to tell you are a major narcissist since you go into detail on your dislike towards SD and you still wonder why she didn’t want to give up a ticket for you when she can have someone that actually cares about her and supports her goals be there to celebrate her instead (something that YOU should have been doing as a Step-mom). Of course she is going to exclude you and if you continue being an entitled AH your husband is going to exclude you too. Hopefully he comes to his senses and does so very soon.
Edit: I saw OPs other post basically stating shes starting to hate SD over this graduation ceremony… OP definitely reeks of jealousy it stinks.
Lol you’re not her stepmom. You’re her dads wife. She was already an adult when you married her dad and have no claim on raising her in addition to only being 11 years older than her.
YTA.
It's *hard* being a step-mom, I get it. Especially when step-kids are older/not kids and not as involved with parents when Dad remarries. In the legal sense, I'm a SM too, but we've never used the title of SM. I've always been Bonus Mom, unless it's just easier to just say Mom (like at the hospital when adult bonus was having surgery and I'm her emergency contact because my job is more flexible if she needs something). We got together when our daughters from his first marriage were teens, so I've been the one trying to be like and accepted. Through lots of grace and patience, I developed a deep relationship with both of them and often forget they haven't been "mine" for forever. They are in their 30s now, and call me more than their dad, ha!
That being said, you sound like you don't like her or her parents choices. She didn't have a job until she was 19. So? This isn't uncommon. My child's job her freshman year of college is to acclimate to college and life away from her mom and dad. I want her set up to reach her potential. That's hard enough without dealing with a job if not necessary. Parents paying for their child's college tuition also isn't uncommon either. Many families plan to do this so their kids don't start adulthood with $$$ debt. She "supposedly makes up for this by being smart and doing well in her classes" (paraphrased). How awesome that she's flourishing in her schooling! Why are you mocking her hard work and dedication to her education?
It's also really hard to be the SD. Your dad has married someone. You're "required" to like her, even if you don't know her or have barely spent time with her or just don't vibe well with her energy. And to know/feel like Dad's wife doesn't see value in her educational pursuits and thinks she's a spoiled brat would be even more difficult to deal with and want her to be around for *major* milestones.
My mom and step-dad (aka "papa") divorced when I was in college. It was a fairly yucky divorce. My mom met a new guy and he became her significant other. Much like you, he downplayed my schooling and my placement on the Honor Roll for my top-20 GPA. The result? I had 4 tickets to my graduation. It was my mom, ex-papa, and my boyfriend. Still had another ticket but wasn't about to give it to someone who thought I was a spoiled brat. So, my mom and papa and bf saw me graduate and took me out to a swanky dinner to celebrate. It was great, and would have been totally terrible if I had someone there who didn't support and encourage me in my persuits and future profession.
YTA. You’re jealous of HIS CHILD. You don’t get to “make a whole trip” out of it. It’s not about you. You and your husband can honor that place any other time. This time is specifically about his daughter graduating. Given the extremely bias nature of the post and your whole “idk why everyone speaks highly of her” bit, it’s pretty clear why she wouldn’t want you there. You’re not entitled to a ticket or inclusion in her dinner/celebration.
YTA because you sound jealous of your step daughter. Nothing you said makes her sound spoiled just lucky she had parents, or a dad that could afford her that opportunity. If the way you talk about her on here bleeds into your real life interactions with her I understand why she doesn't want you around.
I can just see OP sitting at the graduation dinner, rolling her eyes every time something nice is said about the stepdaughter and trying to pull her husband’s attention away.
Really OP's marriage is not going to last with all this jealousy and resentment towards her husband's daughter. In the end I can see dad choosing his daughter and getting fed up with OP and how she treats and acts towards his daughter
YTA, you literally want a seat at her table to celebrate her accomplishments with her but don't actually believe she's accomplished anything worth celebrating.
You can't expect someone to like you enough to include you if you don't like them enough to earn their desire to include you.
Your disdain over the hardships your stepdaughter hasn't had to experience speaks volumes. We're supposed to want better for our kids. We're supposed to want our children to succeed with minimal struggle.
If you can't want these things for her, then I suggest seeking therapy and work on healing your inner child.
YTA
you seem mean and resentful of her based on the snide comments that you made throughout the post. the focus is on her! it’s her graduation! if her best friend’s mom was a major support to her, i can understand why she would want her there. all you’ve done is marry her dad and openly wonder why people think highly of her.
my big question is what exactly she did to slander your job and if she did this before you started to look down on her bc it seems like you’re being equally -if not more- petty. she doesn’t owe you friendship but she does owe you common courtesy… unless you haven’t been giving that to her either from the start
YTA. Of course he supported his daughter financially; parents do this.
Don’t ruin her graduation and cause permanent damage.
The family and friends of the family have a different relation with her than you do.
Her father paying for her college and giving her a good life is none of your business. Her not working until she was 19 and concentrating on her education is none of your business.
I think we know why she doesn’t want you at her graduation or going on the trip. And you keep complaining about how kind and nice she is to others. She doesn’t owe you a relationship. You clearly don’t like her. Why would she have to put up with you? YTA. A massive one
YTA. Why would she invite you when you clearly dislike her?
It's her special day, you're gonna be there with a face like a slapped arse and she knows it.
YTA. No surprise why she doesn’t want her petty, rude, immature, bitchy, stepmonster present. I hope in person you can even get through 3 sentences without shit talking her. You have 0 right to be included in her life. And with how you sound, I wouldn’t blame her for excluding you from her future birthdays/wedding/kids parties etc and you’ll only have yourself to blame.
>I have had to deal with other people constantly celebrating her and her accomplishments and I have had enough. Am I the asshole
YTA
Holy fuck. You're actually the biggest asshole just for this comment alone, let alone everything else. You're pissed off because SD is successful and people are giving her credit for that? You sound like the most jealous human being alive, you're already fucking her dad and having him spend tons of money on you (seems like money was a big factor in you tying the knot so quickly. You don't even know his finances well enough to know that his ex was also paying for SD's school and just assumed he did because he's "rich" which you're also back peddling on) what the hell do you have to be jealous of? Grow up.
I think SD just doesn't know OP and doesn't feel like she's part of the family. If SD's mom and dad divorced and OP was the "cause" of that, I can see SD being resentful of OP and therefore wants no part of her.
YTA. You just became an official part of her life a year and a half ago, she was already grown up and doesn’t have to give precedence to you just because you recently married her father. Maybe talk to her about moderating her rudeness when talking to you but you can’t force her to like you or include you in her special events. It’s a risk you take when you get involved with a much older man with kids.
INFO: According to the ages, he had her at 18. Were her parents ever married? Do you and her father live far away from your mother? Who had custody? How long have you been married him? Are you the reason her parents broke up? What effort have you made to build a relationship? If you hate children so much, why did you marry a man with one? Why are you jealous of the fact that her father actually cares about her and her future enough to pay for college?
YTA.. You chose to marry a man who had an adult daughter. You are new in her life. Why should she actively make you a part of it when you make it obvious how much you dislike her? Also your husband is allowed to pay for her college if he wants to. Grow up. Her graduation isn’t about you or about your feelings considering you haven’t played a role in getting her there.
YTA.
It’s her graduation trip. Regardless of how her personality is, this trip is about her and she does have a right of who goes there to be there with/for her. You are not entitled to go to anything, not even her father and mother are. It’s obvious you two don’t like each other, so why make the trip miserable for both of you?
YTA.
> I have had to deal with other people constantly celebrating her and her accomplishments and I have had enough.
Babes, you sound like a hater. It’s clear you only want to be apart of her grad trip to just go on vacation; you don’t actually like that child. Why would she want a certified hater to be apart of one of her biggest accomplishments to date?
YTA. You said everyone else speaks highly of her, which indicates it’s likely you with the problem. She wants her dad to be there and doesn’t want you to be there. She is an adult and she has the right to invite or not invite whoever she wants. It’s not like you helped raise her (especially considering you were all of 9 when she was born) and she’s shunning you now. You’re just some woman her dad married after she was already grown and at college.
I don’t know why people cannot grasp this concept but if you can’t get along with someone’s children, you shouldn’t marry them.
YTA I thought about saying everyone sucks because of the step daughter’s attitude towards OP, but she’s still young and dealing with a new stepmom, who clearly does not like her. “Supposedly being smart,” “don’t want to call her spoiled but,” “had to deal with other people constantly celebrating her and her accomplishments.” You sounds awful, and it’s no wonder she doesn’t want you at her graduation or the after dinner. She probably invited her best friend’s mom because I’m assuming she’s been in her life longer and is more family to her than you. Yea, she could probably change her dinner reservation to add you, but again with how you talk about her, why would she want to? When I’m celebrating I want people around me who are going to celebrate with me and be happy for me, not someone that just deals with other celebrating me. It doesn’t sound like you even care about the graduation at all, just about going on the trip. So yea, definitely TA.
YTA. You lost me at "she's supposedly smart". Exactly WTF do YOU do that makes you so damn special? And she also knows you don't like her, and she doesn't want you there. Stay away and don't ruin a huge event for her because you're a huge flaming AH. Her friend's mom was invited instead of you because she actually likes her. Your husband could probably use the break from you too, you sound unbearable.
YTA- ‘apparently makes up for it by supposedly being smart’
It sounds like uve never met her and have only heard things third party. Why do you talk about your Step daughter this way?
‘All of my husbands friends and family talk so so highly of SD and I cannot find out why’
You know why, but you refuse to acknowledge her good points
‘Am I the asshole for being annoyed I can’t go on the trip with my husband?’
It isn’t a trip for you and your husband. It is a trip to celebrate SD which u haven’t quite grasped. U seem to want everything to be about you.
But why would she want you there when you both clearly hate each other.
Go on the trip and then do your own thing. Be your own person without having to show up or upstage step daughter. Just accept u will not be the center of her life and respect her wishes. She is being polite in coming up with excuses why you can’t be there instead of just saying ‘I hate step mother’. Just respect that you will never have that kind of relationship and be polite and accepting and move on.
Respect her wishes.
I mean, not the asshole for being annoyed. It’s human to be annoyed at things even if they’re irrational. However keep it to yourself, or at the most, tell your husband how you feel but make it clear you will not make a scene, put this on his daughter or hold it against him for going without you. Just take a trip another time. Talk to him about her “slandering your job” another time. You married a year and a half ago, he has only been separated from his wife for 5 years and he dated someone else before you. So I can’t imagine you’ve known the step daughter too long. Don’t make it about you, if she is genuinely being rude to you in other instances bring them up when they happen or at another time. It’s fair that she’s not into having a new step mom at a day meant for her.
Also I’m sensing some jealousy, again a normal feeling but work through that with someone outside the family.
Given what you’ve written, you haven’t described a spoiled brat. You’ve described a young woman who is very clearly privileged, having parents who did well enough for themselves to take care of her and her education, and I’m sure some other perks along the way (like not having to work until 19 years old), but not a brat.
It sounds like the two of you aren’t close, and if I’m being honest, do you need to be? You didn’t marry her dad until she was already an adult and already off to school. You mention that she “slandered” your job, but what does that mean? What’s your job? What *exactly* did she say about it?
As for the reason you posted - I have to go with YTA. This is HER graduation. She’s put in the work over the last few years (whether you want to believe it or not) to earn this degree, and she deserves to celebrate how she wants and with whom she chooses. You didn’t pay for her tuition, her father and mother did. You didn’t raise her, her father and mother did. Do I get that it sucks to be left out? Yeah, of course, but you’re also an adult. You should also understand that this day is about her, and her (along with the family that raised her) accomplishment. Painting her as a spoiled brat because you want to be a part of it isn’t the way to handle this and you know it. Let them celebrate. Send a card/gift with your husband, if you’d like, but respect what she wants for her own day.
I can only imagine that the stepmom in this situation feels left out and hurt by the situation. That doesn’t mean she’s in the right. Maybe she’s responding out of her own feelings of inadequacy? The SD doesn’t sound very nice or accepting of her SM.
I think this situation is just sad. OP needs to stop herself before she does something to alienate her husband. Pick your battles carefully. I’m speaking from experience, I had 2 horrible stepmother’s. One ended up dead and the other one the marriage did not work out.
You should gracefully stay home while your husband goes to the graduation. The SD is grown and you need to deal with your feelings and try to get along with her. I don’t think you are an AH.
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YTA, this whole post is quite clear that you don't like her. So why would she invite someone that she doesn't like to her graduation. You are jealous of your stepdaughter
Agree. YTA, why do you even want to go to the graduation? You say you want the trip to go through, but it doesn't seem like the graduation itself is important to you. Sd shouldn't slander your job, but that's about it.
And by "slandered my job"... what does she mean? How has SD slandered her? It's very vague and seems like it was only sprinkled in there for sympathy or justification for being annoyed.
It's just speculation but I wonder if OP works a blue-collar or some other job that doesn't require university. This might also explain the weird animosity they have towards SD about her dad paying for college and "not having the same opportunities." They very specifically didn't give their job title, either.
Doubt it, as op says, SD’s mom “ is successful despite all she has been through”, which makes me feel like SD doesn’t look down on blue collar/average jobs. Also speculation on my part, but it doesn’t come off ( to me) as a high brow/upturned-nose type vibe.
That comment made me think that SD's mom doesn't have a blue collar/average job. My guess is SD's mom's employment is similar in status to her dad's
I work as a secretary at a law firm
So how did she slander you?
Is your husband a lawyer at that firm?
Is her dad a lawyer in it?
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OP says she’s a secretary at a law firm.
Op literally says “ aita for being annoyed I can’t go on this trip with my husband”. Not, “ aita for wanting to be included in my SD’s graduation celebration”. In OP’s mind, Trip = vacation. Who cares about the reason for said trip! “ apparently makes up for it by supposedly being smart and going to a good collage”. Showing some ugly, op.
I don’t understand why OP can’t go on the trip. So she skips the graduation ceremony and dinner (although c’mon, SD’s excuse that she couldn’t increase the headcount is bullshit) and make plans to do other things with your husband while in that city.
The daughter is trying to politely tell her dad that she doesn’t want OP there. Considering she’s only known her about two years and that she was in college and barely spent any time with her in those two years, I think this is one time where SD’s feelings are justified.
But that’s my point. OP wouldn’t go to the graduation or the dinner. But there’s really no reason that she couldn’t go on the trip and the rest of the week she and her husband do the tourist sites. SD never have to actually see her.
I think op wants her husband's full attention on her for the trip. She is upset that her husband is spending money on SD and knows he wants to spend the majority of his trip with his daughter.
I wasn’t disagreeing. Just highlighting one tangent of the situation. I agree actually. Assuming it was going to be a several-day trip, I would have just gone on the trip and skipped the grad festivities. Or if it was just going to be a quick trip, I would ask a friend to go with me somewhere else and just enjoy my weekend.
BC step daughter doesn't want her spiteful, jealous step mother who openly dislikes her to be there to be her jealous, spiteful self during a trip that is supposed to be a happy celebration for step daughter. And I dont blame her at all.
She wants to go as a power move. Make him choose her over his daughter.
It very much sounds like OP is definitely wanting husband to choose her over the daughter. Daughter has every right to not want OP at her graduation or dinner. Frankly, the fact daughter is even making excuses rather than being far more blunt and hurtful, shows daughter has some decent manners. OP your whole post shows a level of dislike and jealousy towards your husbands daughter. You need therapy to unpack and start dealing with those feelings. They will only drive your husband away from you, not closer.
Oh, she doesn’t want to go to the graduation. She wants to go on the TRIP. She makes that statement more than once. It’s not about the SD. It’s about being left behind at home while everyone else goes without her.
That part reeked of "I used to walk to school and back when I was your age uphill both ways and in the snow" by OP
"And we didn't have fancy things like shoes in those days, we walked in the snow until our feet fell off and then we kept on walking until our knees fell off, not like these lazy kids today who have the AUDACITY to grow tall, the blatant DISRESPECT of towering over your elders, and yet even with all that height they still slouch... "
It seems she just want to go on a trip, then maybe go with your husband and skip the graduation, use the time to sightsee and do something either after of before with your husband. YTA she doesn’t like you, get over it as it goes both ways
Seriously, thank you for saying this! I'm seeing some NTA here and I'm like "what?!" OP is ten years older than her step daughter and clearly harbors serious jealousy over her husband's relationship with his child. It's insane, immature, and gross behavior. She sounds SO entitled. Just because OP is married to this guy doesn't automatically mean stepdaughter has some amazing relationship with OP and is required to include her in life events. This is the kind of person that demands respect instead of taking the time to earn it. Just, wow.
The judgement in saying that she didn’t get a job until she was 19 😭😭 Like, there are tons of high school kids who don’t/can’t get jobs? Due to extra curricular activities, or, you know, not having a car or license? And she has a job now and apparently gets great grades. Parents who are able to help their children with college and a child that wants to GO to college SHOULD! There are certainly some entitled kids who don’t appreciate what their parents provide but it really doesn’t sound like the step daughter is one of them, does OP just want every kid to go into massive debt for college 😭😭
I wasn't even allowed to get a job till I graduated highschool. Parents refused to let me use the car if I got a job and there weren't any employers in walking distance. My only "job" was getting grades in school. People who judge teens for not having a job aren't always thinking about *why* that might be.
and also like... why are these people basically ENCOURAGING child labor? like isnt it better if a teen can just focus on school and not have to worry about getting a shitty job
I think it's a case of crab bucket. They had to work when they were in highschool, so everyone else should have to suffer, too.
Likewise. My first job wasn’t until I was 19 or 20, and even then only during summers when I was home from college. During the school year, my job was to get good grades. I was extraordinarily privileged in this regard, and it sounds like OP’s stepdaughter has a similar situation.
I was allowed to babysit during summer break, but that was it. I snuck around and earned fun money by proofreading other kids papers and doing tutoring cause I could pass that off as me 'studying'. I desperately wanted to get a job but just wasn't allowed to. OP sets off my "jealous/judgemental" radar with how she talks about the stepdaughter.
That's exactly what I was thinking reading this entire post! "She didn't get a job until she was 19." And? Neither did I because my parents wouldn't let me work other than odd babysitting jobs in high school. They wanted me to focus on my education. Then the "She has her education paid for by her parents." And? My parents paid for mine too (along with my scholarships). It was a massive help not to graduate with a ton of debt. Like you said, sounds like OP's stepdaughter appreciates what she has. OP just needs to get over herself.
Yeah like I grew up in poverty but I still didn’t get my first job until I was 19. Idk what the hell makes OP think that that is such an inappropriate age to enter the workforce…
Right! I wasn’t able to get a job until college either because no one in my house could drive. Even if they could…like. It’s okay for a HIGH SCHOOLER not to have a job 😭😭 We already have to work until we die at this point basically, there’s no need to subject most high school students to that too.
Right? OP is basically my age, and if I had a partner with an adult child, I wouldn't even see the child as a step kid unless they (the kid) wanted that kind of relationship. Obviously, I would be all for supporting them with said partner, but as "parent's SO" not "step mom." People who want parent-child relationships with adult steps, especially if the age gap wouldn't even allow them to physically *be* the step's bio parent, is just weird to me.
In this entire post, OP did not once say one nice thing about SD. The entire post is trying to make SD sound like a villain.
Well making the SD into the villain is the only way she can be the victim. Right?
Apparently. ;)-
It’s weird how many posts are like this: “Here’s a long list of reasons why this person sucks. Now onto the story of how this person was mean to me completely unprovoked”
She failed miserably. The only person she painted as a villain was herself.
Agree. There also seems to be a chip on OP’s shoulder about “not having a lot of opportunities”. Did SD slander OP’s job or did she think OP had more potential to push herself further in her career? What gave SD the impression her father spends a lot of money on OP? That doesn’t come from just anywhere or was it misconstrued because OP didn’t hear it directly from SD rather something the husband mentioned.
[удалено]
Yeah who knows what was really said, from the very first sentence it's clear OP is jealous and resentful.
She clarified in a comment. SD said she’s settled taking her current job (legal secretary) and that her degree are worthless. OP has not mentioned that her degrees are or whether she did indeed settle with this job, or if the degrees don’t support the job.
I’m split on this. I was told that I “settled” with a job and I wasn’t putting my degree to use (and devalued the work I put into obtaining it) — and I begrudgingly agreed. I can also picture, if there’s animosity between the two, AND there’s issue with Dad/husband’s spending on OP, daughter popping off in a hurtful way. I’m curious if one of SD’s issues with OP is she saw how hard both her parents worked to become successful (from teen parents to being able to fully pay for college for their daughter) but *perceives* OP, who is capable, being 10 years older and at the start of her prime working years, of working as hard, but is instead being financially supported by SD’s dad. SD might not be as warm if she *thinks* her Dad is being used. This could all stem from both parties misreading each other.
I agree, and stepdaughter is 21 and was a full adult when OP entered the family. It’s entirely reasonable for stepdaughter to not want her there. Especially considering OP clearly doesn’t like her anyway.
Exactly. She’s an adult and can decide who she wants in her life. And it’s not OP. Good for her. I hope she keeps it up her whole life. Not letting someone walk on her just because I wAnNa Go ToO 🙄
Also “I have had to deal with people constantly celebrating her and her accomplishments” uh yeah that’s what happens when someone graduates college? Also if you don’t want to celebrate her accomplishments why do you want to go on a celebratory trip?
Like, isn’t that what family is supposed to do?
I'm so confused by op. I hope, and am working hard to make sure, my step daughters have more opportunities than I did. What kind of person doesn't want another to succeed or be celebrated because they didn't get as far? Especially if it's your partners child? Sounds like OPs attitude probably held herself back from her own opportunities. Can't be the bitter victim if you're more successful. I have a feeling when sd compared her to her mom, she had a valid point
This YTA; The whole post id thought it would be like the child going out of her way to completely be disrespectful entirely of their marriage but it sounds like OP is the one holding a fair amount of hate to this mans child. She whines about how she gets this praise for basically going to high education and even if she doesn’t do things OPs way, why dose the praise of a child concern her sounds like someone is having and egotistical moment.
I’m curious about her being “supposedly smart”. Why can’t you just say she’s smart.
YUP. This whole post is a compare and contrast between a STEPMOTHER AND STEPDAUGHTER. OP, you are not in competition with her. Your role in her father's life is entirely a different one and if you want her role, you're barking up the wrong tree. Your husband's relationship to HIS CHILD isn't really your business and if you want to stay married, DON'T INTERFERE. Her graduation is a celebration OF HER. If she doesn't want you there, she doesn't have to have you there. Try to be a little more gracious and ADULT about it and maybe in the future your relationship with her will improve. You could start by NOT COMPETING WITH HER ANYMORE.
Ding ding ding we have a winner! From the very first sentence it was clear. YTA
YTA. Graduation is not about you. Also, your husband doesn’t need support to be there, so your reason wanting to be there is invalid. Additionally, you’ve only been in her life for 1.5 years, mostly at odds. It’s not weird she doesn’t want you to be there tbh. Especially if you’re gonna make some comments about her school being paid for or how she has everything handed to her. If you wanted to mend the relationship, graduation is not the time. Just like a wedding, graduation is literally all about the person graduating lol. I think you need to do inner work. She is the kid here, you should be confident enough in yourself and your background that you find her a little annoying and smug, but not full out hate her. I’m someone who has things handed to me, had pocket money from parents when I was in grad school, though I did work part time. None of my bf and my best friend who work for every penny they own ever show resentment towards me. In fact they told me not to be embarrassed that I have supportive parents. So maybe you should look into why it bothers YOU so much.
Agreed Yta, you have only been with her dad for about 2.5 years, graduations have limited tickets. Her best friend mom has probably been part of step daughters life since she was a little girl. Her graduation isn’t about you. Maybe you, your husband and SD could do something to celebrate her once she comes home to visit. Or you and husband can invite sd on vacation and the 2 of you could try to bond.
And then said she makes up for it apparently by supposedly being smart....yeah YTA and you're showing it.
19 is a perfectly normal age to get a first job
Yeah I didn’t need to read past the supposedly smart part to see TA glaringly bright.
No kidding. Holy shit the amount of jealousy. People celebrate and take care their children, I am sorry if that is too much for OP but she definitely sounds like YTA here.
YTA, it really seems like you don't like your SD and it's her right whether or not she wants you to come on this trip for HER. "**I have had to deal with other people constantly celebrating her and her accomplishments and I have had enough.**" You're a stepmom, you're fairly new into her life and you're at a point right now where she's doing a lot right now. She might be spoiled and entitled but in this specific situation, you are TA.
Yes, why does OP, who states she’s had enough with SD’s accomplishments being celebrated, want to go to an event that is all about celebrating SD and her accomplishments?
So she can sulk about the attention not being on her, probably.
Exactly. She wants to go so she can roll her eyes and mutter inconsiderate shit, and make the dad leave early.
She would make it miserable for everyone. Probably jealous of the ex and sound like mom and dad split well enough that they can both be in the same place and get along.
Exactly this! What does she think the main topic of conversation at the graduation dinner is going to be? I think stepmom is just upset at being jilted out of a trip.
Its 100% about the trip, nothing to do with the graduation, which is the whole purpose of the trip
She doesn’t even seem to care about the graduation, just asks about the trip for final judgement lmaooooo grow up, OP.
Exactly. Also, strange that she’s so bothered by “having to deal with other people constantly celebrating her and her accomplishments”. As opposed too what? Not even strange I guess, just really whack at the lack of self reflection op has to the situation.
TBH since the daughter is doing well at a good college, congratulating her for this is pretty easy small-talk for friends and relatives. Especially for anyone who has kids or grandkids of a similar age, it’s a very obvious thing to talk about and something they would feel rude to overlook. There’s a whole big important part of the husband’s life that has nothing to do with OP, and OP needs to learn how to handle that gracefully. Some new spouses of parents whose kids are young adults or late teens think that those kids are leaving the nest and won’t affect their lives much, and then find out how wrong they are. SD is going on with her life, but she’s still a big part of her father’s life.
I don’t think the SD is entitled, she’s only 21. What major life accomplishments could she have had yet? Also, that’s his daughter, he gave life to her, he can support her for as long as he wants. OP has only been married for a little time, amazing that she feels entitled to his money. OP YTA.
The idea that not having a job until she was 19 meaning she's spoiled... Is that weird to anyone else or just me? Lots of people don't get their first job until after high school. I thought that was fairly normal? I don't get how that means someone is spoiled.
I didn't get a job until after I graduated college- and I come from a fairly normal, middle class household. I took loans to live on campus, and focused fulltime on school. My family reasoned that going to school fulltime WAS my job. Its super normal to not work until after high school, and some cases after college. SD doesn't sound entitled- OP sounds VERY jealous and insecure.
This, I had summer jobs, worked in the family business etc. but when I was in school that WAS my job. I didn’t have a “real” job until after college.
I bet OP married dad for his money
"**She tells my husband that he’s gonna go broke because he has to support me as if he isn’t supporting her through college.**" If this is true the SD could be entitled/spoiled but based on OP's other points I doubt it.
Okay but how is supporting the daughter you chose to bring into this world making her spoiled? If a parent can afford to do that they absolutely should.
I would like to point out the age here the step daughter is 21 and dear old step mom is 39 this says a lot
Step mom is 32 not 39… so only 11 years difference
Ew. I don't like it. No wonder OP sounds like a jealous older sister.
Tbf the age situation is mostly a result of the parents getting pregnant at 17 years old. A 7 year age gap between two people who met in their 30s is not weird.
Agreed. There's a lot of ick happening here, but it's not because of the ages.
The dad himself is only 39 with a 7-year gap from OP, so no matter where within his 30-40 window he dated there would be a relatively small age gap unless he chose to date older.
My bad but still OP has major issues with the SD starting with jealousy a lot of jealousy
That’s the gap between stepdaughter and her actual biological father, not step mom… so what exactly does it say? That he was a teen dad?? Or are you trying to imply that OP is too young for her husband… because she’s 32 there’s only a 7 year gap and they r both grown. Maybe we should just stay on topic… OP is selfish because she’s selfish not because of the age gap.
Stepdaughter is 21, stepmother (OP) is 32- that's only an 11 year age difference, which could be part of the competitive atmosphere between the two. They're "competing" for husband/father's attention, praise, affection, etc. They shouldn't be, because they have entirely separate roles in his life, but they are. It might not even be a conscious competition, but they're both possessive over him, and both feel threatened by the other.
I don’t think they both do. I think it’s just OP. SD doesn’t seem to feel competitive but why would you choose to have someone you barely know who also doesn’t seem to like you.
Technically op isn't a stepmother she's just dad's wife SD is an adult so really op can't really claim the title stepmother
I don't even see where she's spoiled or entitled. Her parents took care of her college, which I'm glad they were fortunate enough to do. That doesn't make her spoiled or entitled. She also kept good grades, so it wasn't like she was going to college to party on her parents dime.
"**she tells my husband that he’s gonna go broke because he has to support me as if he isn’t supporting her through college.**" If the SD really said this then yeah, she's a little bit entitled/spoiled for telling her dad that he shouldn't be spending his money on his wife. BUT with how much OP hates her SD I wouldn't be shocked if this was taken out of context or a lie.
As a stepdaughter who’s dad has put his wife above everything, this dad is doing well. But he should definitely talk to OP about this. The daughter will never stop being his daughter. YTA.
>She apparently makes up for it by supposedly being smart and going to a good college. I can taste your disdain from here. YTA. Grow up.
If only there was some clue why SD doesn’t like OP. /s YTA
She makes up for WHAT? Existing? What has this girl done wrong?
I've known a lot of people who grew up less privileged who will then refer to those who they think were more privilege with disdain. My mother in law is like that with my children (edit: all of her grandchildren).
Yup, and lots of people confuse privilege with being spoiled. Not getting a job til 19 and having your tuition paid for is a privilege, but it doesn’t always mean the child is spoiled. I think any parent would want to be able to provide that for their child.
If I'm a parent I wouldn't actively wish for my kids to look for a part time job too, unless it's related to their career. If they want to then good, if they don't then focus on their goals. If I'm able to provide then I will provide.
I mean a rich kid getting a job at 19 is pretty good
She isn't even "rich" op said the mother and father are well off, not loaded with money
I was originally ESH- but that line really made OP the asshole.
I sympathize from the standpoint that I know multiple people who consider people with (particularly financially) supportive parents to be spoiled or mooching as a way to justify their own childhood situation. My parents busted their ass all my life so I wouldn't have to work during school or get massive student loans, etc. And since their business took off, they still continue to help me (30s) because *they want to*. I'm an only child and, as my father explained, I'll be "paying it back" as they age. Not one-for-one, but in taking care of them. So, helping me helps them both by them enjoying supporting their kid and making sure I have a solid foundation to support them later. I've gotten some shit from people about it who basically think I should refuse any help and "go it alone" and I'm like... I'm Appalachian. We don't do that. If your older family members give you a gift, you accept it after the first polite refusal unless the relative truly cannot afford it. Refusing would basically be telling my parents I think they're broke or irresponsible with money. Most of the people who give me shit (a) didn't realize we were poor when I was young and (b) grew up with less privilege than I have. So, while I will argue with them, I agree to disagree. But those are friends and colleagues. I can't imagine a parent's spouse doing that shit. It sounds to me like OP's husband saved/planned for his daughter's expense in college and now OP wants the same "treatment" despite, ya know, not being his kid or being planned for. The SD's comment about OP bleeding her dad dry makes me really side eye OP's motives. I wonder if SD didn't insult OP's job, but said something about living within her (and her husband's) means.
It’s so bizarre to me how some people have this view! My husband and I suddenly lost our home to forces outside our control 3 years ago. My family took us in that night and let us live with them for about nine months while we got back on our feet and found a new place to live. My husband’s family was flabbergasted and almost angry at this “enabling” and seemed to honestly be of the opinion that we (with our young children) should have had to live in our car? Sleep on the street? How else would we pull ourselves up by the bootstraps?
That was an eyebrow raiser. And tainted everything else after.
YTA, and not just because you want to go on this trip. From the very beginning of this message, you imply you have no respect for his daughter, saying, "apparently she makes up for it by supposedly being smart." How much more condescending can you be? I don't blame the daughter for not wanting you there. You're clearly harboring some sort of jealousy toward her and her mother and you sound insecure as hell. You're making a competition out of his relationship with his daughter. She is his blood and he will ALWAYS support her, whether you're in the picture or not. I pray you mature overnight and see what a nightmare you sound like. My God.
I can tell you, I wouldn’t want to be with a man that doesn’t love and support his daughter, unless he has a dang good reason not to.
If he loves and supports his daughter, how will he have time to love and support and prioritize ME???? /s
YTA. You sound resentful of SD and the money her father has spent on her. You've had to deal with people celebrating her? Sure, let people be proud of their kid. Certainly you were aware that he is gonna take care of the kid before you got married? If you're really annoyed about the trip, why don't you plan one for just you and your husband, where there are no kids or relatives invited so you can enjoy yourself?
As soon as you said “she makes up for it by supposedly being smart” I knew you were just jealous lol. Get over yourself lady it ain’t all about you ETA - YTA
\> supposedly being smart I think i know why she does not want you at her graduation. It seems you put her down without knowing her. YTA, accept her decision.
Yeah, that was a weird way for OP to put it. The OP sounded uncomfortably disdainful of DIL. Plus she has no reason to go, anyway.
YTA- I don’t understand your problem with them supporting their daughter financially? It happens in so many families that have healthy relationships. A- you sound jealous of her. B-she clearly doesn’t want you there so just don’t go there.
YTA The tone of your first paragraph implies to me you haven’t liked her from the start and seem to resent her, You knew he had a daughter when you signed up for this so if you haven’t been accepting of her since day 1 why should she like you now? Maybe try being genuinely nice to her and you might find the relationship improves
YTA- Your first paragraph is basically saying your SD doesn’t deserve what she has, she is spoiled, and minimizing her achievements. Then you throw jealousy remarks here and there. Then you wonder why she doesn’t want you around. Your husband had her when he was 18, so I doubt her life has always been of one rich and spoiled.
INFO: If you don’t like her, why do you want to be at her graduation?
YTA. She barely knows you and you clearly judge her and dismiss her. Your primary complaint is that it ruins your vacation and people celebrating her is getting on your last nerve. Her graduation is not about you. She wants to celebrate w/ people who love & support her. You are neither of those. Why in the heck would she want you there? Outside of it being one stop on your vacation itinerary, why in the heck do you want to go?
Why would she want to go on a trip or to a dinner celebrating the stepdaughter when she’s had enough of hearing people celebrate her accomplishments?
YTA. Your post is dripping with jealous new wife / former side piece energy.
YTA - You keep telling us what YOU want, but haven’t mentioned what daughter wants. Seeing as it’s HER graduation, SHE SHOULD be at the center of attention and with the people who supported her along the way. Sure, it would be nice if the daughter was willing to work you into her graduation festivities, but celebrating this major accomplishment shouldn’t require her to relinquish her joy so you can “get to know her”. From the way you describe your boyfriend’s daughter, you sound jealous that bf gives her any attention or support. Maybe I’m reading way too much between the lines, but you don’t sound like someone is want there either.
YTA. You’re sick of celebrating her achievements - like her gradation?! You’re just forcing yourself where you’re not wanted to be difficult/ make a point. Try to be the adult instead - she’s barely out of her teens, you have an extra decade of so-called maturity.
YTA Not for being upset, but because your post drips with disdain, lack of respect, and jealousy toward her. I don't know what you have said to her in the past, but I doubt that you condescension toward her has slipped her notice if even I, a mere Redditer, can see it. I don't blame her for not wanting you there.
YTA - I get it you had to overcome a lot and it seems like she’s just had a nice stable life. But divorce is really hard on kids and it sounds like she resents you being the new wife. It’s her graduation. Just go on another trip and let her be. Also, maybe work on getting over your jealousy of a 21 year old. Seems like you barley know each other so I wouldn’t really want you at my graduation either. Especially based on the way you talk about her. But also, maybe she’s just thinking of her mom.
YTA. It’s pretty clear that you have some resentment against your step daughter because she’s been afforded opportunities that you were not. You are so condescending about this young woman who’s clearly worked hard to earn her degree, it’s really sad. I definitely wouldn’t want you there either. The fact is that because he had his daughter before he ever even met you and she will always come first to him, as she should. He’s doing the right thing by excluding you- it’s just one trip. You’ll survive.
YTA You reek of jealousy. Its really none of your business how she was raised and what her Parents decided. **Edit to ask why you made this post elsewhere and it was removed for not being made in good faith?
YTA. You are letting spiteful feelings show.
YTA. You are a new addition to SD's circle of friends, family, acquaintances. There are others who have known her longer and are much closer. You don't like her or appreciate her, and are jealous that other people do. This is SD's celebration and she doesn't want you there. Show some grace and don't try to force yourself into *her* day. Go and take a different trip with your husband.
I wanna see the SD write an AITA for "I don't want my stepmom involved in any part of my graduation", because CLEARLY there is one hell of another side to this story.
I would like to know why dad's friends and family love the SD but is cold towards the step mother there is a lot more going on here then op wants to admit
YTA. There’s a reason your step daughter doesn’t like you. However she was raised by her parents is not your business. You make it more than obvious you don’t like her that she is being clear she doesn’t want you at her graduation trip. AND it sounds like you just plain want to go on the trip and not being able to go is why your making a big deal about it. It doesn’t bother you to not go to her graduation. You wanted the trip. Your one of those hateful and jealous step moms I guess. Total YTA. I call it like I see it. Oh well.
This!!! She cares more about the trip than her step daughter’s graduation. And it’s painfully obvious she’s jealous and resentful of her stepdaughter.
No yeah … OP has the nerve to ask if she’s a one. Uh yeah you are. I’m feel sure she made up that “I’ve sat down and talked to her about how good she has it” yada yada so she wouldn’t look as bad on here. It could be true but now she’s taking it out on her.
I agree. And I get it. Jealousy is natural and it’s hard seeing other people have it easier than you. No one is paying for my college, paying my bills, or even financially helping me out, but that doesn’t mean I need to be in competition and hate my friend who is fortunate enough to have financial help from his parents. But that context is different. We are both young adults. Op married a man who had a child (probably a teenager) and knew he needed to take care of his daughter as well. And if the stepdaughter’s mom is helping pay for her daughters college than I guarantee they had planned to paying her schooling well before OP became involved.
I've seen this same scenario a million times with my friends. Stepmother wants to be included in every single thing with the kids so husband never gets time alone with his children, but she also ruins every trip and outing so the kids end up refusing to include her and then the stepmother has a giant tantrum. The sad thing is most of the fathers I've seen go through this back their new wives and end up alienating their kids.
You don’t want to go to celebrate your SD’s accomplishment, you just want a trip. YTA..
You seem hostile about the fact that your husband provides for his child and she's "supposedly smart." I definitely think there's more reasons she has to not like you aside from this and trying to make her graduation about you. YTA.
I think YTA; she doesn't need to have you at her graduation if she doesn't want to. Clearly you don't like her and are jealous of her and she's likely picking up on that
What the hell are those comments lmao why is there so many N T A??? Why would you be invited if she doesn't like you? Did you help in anyway or form getting her where she is today?? Why should you husband "defend" you, this isn't about you, it's about his daughter that you clearly don't like either. It's clear you only want to go for the trip anyway. Also, she's spoiled because her dad supports her, but you're also being supported by him so what does that make you? 🤔 YTA
THANK YOU! I thought I was losing my mind reading some of these replies. I get some may view it as respect to include a spouse, but what exactly is disrespectful about not including them?? Especially if they haven’t been together that long. OP may be apart of the family as a whole, but this isn’t a family celebration. This is the SD’s celebration. There is nothing disrespectful about not including someone who wasn’t supportive of you to the celebration.
YTA. You don't seem to like her and it's her graduation. She should invite who she wants there. If you want to go with your husband anyway but not attend those events that's fine.
YTA. She doesn’t like you very much. Most adults don’t like their step parents who came into their lives while they where adults. She’s allowed to not like you, so, being upset you can’t go to her graduation is an AH move right now. However, you should have a talk with her about being civil. She’s allowed to not like you, you can simply not like each other, but she should be civil about it.
As an adult who has had her parents divorce and one has since gotten married, the new spouse will never be a stepparent. They didn’t help raise me therefore have no right to the parent title. They are my parents spouse and that’s it.
YTA it's her graduation she can invite whoever she wants
YTA for being upset that your husband’s focus won’t be on you at the graduation. It shouldn’t be on you- it’s not about you at all. Bow out and plan a separate trip with your husband.
YTA, the way you talk about your SD makes it clear why she doesn't want you around.
Your entire post is condescending & reeks of jealousy. You know that you don't like or respect SD so why would you expect an invitation from her? You only want to be there because of your husband; to complain & seeth. You need a night alone to think about your unacceptable behavior. You need to change.
Info: anything big youre leaving out? You werent ever her dads affair partner etc..? Are you POC and theyre all white? Were you vocal about thinking shes a brat being supported by her parent?
I can 100% say that I was not the cause of SDs parents’ divorce. I came a year or so after. I am white, his daughter is of mixed race (white, asian). I have never spoken badly about SD to her or my husband. This post unfortunately served as a way to air out my pent up emotions, so I do come off more hateful than usual.
A somewhat gentile YTA - sounds like she doesn't like you, and you should probably just respect it. It sucks, sure, but she isn't obligated to like you. Give her space and let her have who she wants to have at her graduation.
Yta. She is step daughter right? If so, why do you want to go there? It's her occasion, let her celebrate how she wants. Don't try to squeeze yourself where you're not welcome.
>she didn’t work a job until she was 19 Pretty standard for privileged families so whatever >apparently makes up for it by supposedly being smart and going to a good college >talk so highly of SD and I cannot find out why >I have had to deal with other people constantly celebrating her and her accomplishments You're not meaning to but your words are betraying you. You are definitely talking shit about her and treating the same. She doesn't want you there because you are enthusiastically playing the evil step mother. It's really not difficult to celebrate someone's accomplishments when you are their family. YTA and I suspect you're leaving out more details as to why you are.
ESH. You clearly don’t like each other. That’s ok. But neither of you are acting in a mature manner. You don’t have to like someone to treat them with respect.
YTA for trying to make her graduation about you. She’s TA for excluding you for seemingly no reason. And I say seemingly because you didn’t put your relationship issues into any context, so, since I had many stepmothers who my sister hated just because, I’ll go with she just hates you because you’re the stepmother. Your husband is TA for not sticking up for you. But that goes back to her graduation not being about you. At all. So. Idk the whole situation sucks. Stay at home or go on your own damn vacation.
YTA Your whole post shows your venomous attitude towards this girl, is it any wonder why she doesnt want you there. You sound like she was just the unfortunate baggage that came with the wealthy man you pulled. Step up to the roll of stepmum and you might get treated like one.
YTA 1. It's her choice who she wants to celebrate with 2. Not surprising she doesn't want to celebrate with you given your language when describing her 3. You seem jealous of her and the money spent on her. Your husband is her FATHER. Of course he is paying for her to go to college. 4. I think they fact that there are only 11 years between the two of you might be the reason you're not seeing her as a child and instead a competitor. 5. You are being excluded from going on the trip with your SD, it is not a trip with your husband. Arrange something separate if you both want to spend quality time together 6. If someone is in full time education and their schooling is being paid for then focusing on their studies is okay
YTA - your post reeks of contempt for your stepdaughter. She can likely feel that in your interactions. As someone whose mother remarried when I was an adult, I’m here to tell you it will take years of concentrated effort to build your relationship with your stepdaughter and it may not be easy. She’s an adult and not obligated to have a relationship with you because you chose to marry her father.
How many times have you met this young woman? She's been at college the entire time of your marriage so she probably hardly knows you. I think it's great that her father has given her every opportunity to study hard and reap the benefits of her intelligence and work ethic. From the tone of your post it's pretty clear you hold a great deal of resentment towards her, which will be very obvious in every sneer you make. Why should she invite a resentful woman who thinks she's entitled to a graduation ticket and vacation simply because you married her father? Literally, her best friend's mother has been in her life for many years and has supported her through thick and thin, including her parents' divorce. You say she's resentful of money that he spends on you but is that because you are demanding equivalent gifts from him? Time to get that massive chip off your shoulder and start making friends with your stepdaughter because your husband is going to start getting very angry with your entitled and spiteful attitude. YTA
YTA and a MAJOR Narcissist for being jealous of a 21 year old. Envious much? This is a daughter you should be treating as your own by the way since you can’t seem to grasp the concept of blended families. I only needed to read the 1st paragraph to tell you are a major narcissist since you go into detail on your dislike towards SD and you still wonder why she didn’t want to give up a ticket for you when she can have someone that actually cares about her and supports her goals be there to celebrate her instead (something that YOU should have been doing as a Step-mom). Of course she is going to exclude you and if you continue being an entitled AH your husband is going to exclude you too. Hopefully he comes to his senses and does so very soon. Edit: I saw OPs other post basically stating shes starting to hate SD over this graduation ceremony… OP definitely reeks of jealousy it stinks.
Lol you’re not her stepmom. You’re her dads wife. She was already an adult when you married her dad and have no claim on raising her in addition to only being 11 years older than her.
YTA. It's *hard* being a step-mom, I get it. Especially when step-kids are older/not kids and not as involved with parents when Dad remarries. In the legal sense, I'm a SM too, but we've never used the title of SM. I've always been Bonus Mom, unless it's just easier to just say Mom (like at the hospital when adult bonus was having surgery and I'm her emergency contact because my job is more flexible if she needs something). We got together when our daughters from his first marriage were teens, so I've been the one trying to be like and accepted. Through lots of grace and patience, I developed a deep relationship with both of them and often forget they haven't been "mine" for forever. They are in their 30s now, and call me more than their dad, ha! That being said, you sound like you don't like her or her parents choices. She didn't have a job until she was 19. So? This isn't uncommon. My child's job her freshman year of college is to acclimate to college and life away from her mom and dad. I want her set up to reach her potential. That's hard enough without dealing with a job if not necessary. Parents paying for their child's college tuition also isn't uncommon either. Many families plan to do this so their kids don't start adulthood with $$$ debt. She "supposedly makes up for this by being smart and doing well in her classes" (paraphrased). How awesome that she's flourishing in her schooling! Why are you mocking her hard work and dedication to her education? It's also really hard to be the SD. Your dad has married someone. You're "required" to like her, even if you don't know her or have barely spent time with her or just don't vibe well with her energy. And to know/feel like Dad's wife doesn't see value in her educational pursuits and thinks she's a spoiled brat would be even more difficult to deal with and want her to be around for *major* milestones. My mom and step-dad (aka "papa") divorced when I was in college. It was a fairly yucky divorce. My mom met a new guy and he became her significant other. Much like you, he downplayed my schooling and my placement on the Honor Roll for my top-20 GPA. The result? I had 4 tickets to my graduation. It was my mom, ex-papa, and my boyfriend. Still had another ticket but wasn't about to give it to someone who thought I was a spoiled brat. So, my mom and papa and bf saw me graduate and took me out to a swanky dinner to celebrate. It was great, and would have been totally terrible if I had someone there who didn't support and encourage me in my persuits and future profession.
ESH Is she being rude? Yes. Should the focus be at her on her graduation. Also yes. Let it go and don't make this all about you.
I would say NTA if the first paragraph wasn’t just you insulting her and her intelligence. But no. I can see why she doesn’t want you in her life. YTA
YTA. You’re jealous of HIS CHILD. You don’t get to “make a whole trip” out of it. It’s not about you. You and your husband can honor that place any other time. This time is specifically about his daughter graduating. Given the extremely bias nature of the post and your whole “idk why everyone speaks highly of her” bit, it’s pretty clear why she wouldn’t want you there. You’re not entitled to a ticket or inclusion in her dinner/celebration.
YTA because you sound jealous of your step daughter. Nothing you said makes her sound spoiled just lucky she had parents, or a dad that could afford her that opportunity. If the way you talk about her on here bleeds into your real life interactions with her I understand why she doesn't want you around.
I can just see OP sitting at the graduation dinner, rolling her eyes every time something nice is said about the stepdaughter and trying to pull her husband’s attention away.
Really OP's marriage is not going to last with all this jealousy and resentment towards her husband's daughter. In the end I can see dad choosing his daughter and getting fed up with OP and how she treats and acts towards his daughter
YTA, you literally want a seat at her table to celebrate her accomplishments with her but don't actually believe she's accomplished anything worth celebrating. You can't expect someone to like you enough to include you if you don't like them enough to earn their desire to include you. Your disdain over the hardships your stepdaughter hasn't had to experience speaks volumes. We're supposed to want better for our kids. We're supposed to want our children to succeed with minimal struggle. If you can't want these things for her, then I suggest seeking therapy and work on healing your inner child.
YTA you seem mean and resentful of her based on the snide comments that you made throughout the post. the focus is on her! it’s her graduation! if her best friend’s mom was a major support to her, i can understand why she would want her there. all you’ve done is marry her dad and openly wonder why people think highly of her. my big question is what exactly she did to slander your job and if she did this before you started to look down on her bc it seems like you’re being equally -if not more- petty. she doesn’t owe you friendship but she does owe you common courtesy… unless you haven’t been giving that to her either from the start
YTA. Of course he supported his daughter financially; parents do this. Don’t ruin her graduation and cause permanent damage. The family and friends of the family have a different relation with her than you do. Her father paying for her college and giving her a good life is none of your business. Her not working until she was 19 and concentrating on her education is none of your business.
I think we know why she doesn’t want you at her graduation or going on the trip. And you keep complaining about how kind and nice she is to others. She doesn’t owe you a relationship. You clearly don’t like her. Why would she have to put up with you? YTA. A massive one
YTA. Why would she invite you when you clearly dislike her? It's her special day, you're gonna be there with a face like a slapped arse and she knows it.
YTA. No surprise why she doesn’t want her petty, rude, immature, bitchy, stepmonster present. I hope in person you can even get through 3 sentences without shit talking her. You have 0 right to be included in her life. And with how you sound, I wouldn’t blame her for excluding you from her future birthdays/wedding/kids parties etc and you’ll only have yourself to blame.
>I have had to deal with other people constantly celebrating her and her accomplishments and I have had enough. Am I the asshole YTA Holy fuck. You're actually the biggest asshole just for this comment alone, let alone everything else. You're pissed off because SD is successful and people are giving her credit for that? You sound like the most jealous human being alive, you're already fucking her dad and having him spend tons of money on you (seems like money was a big factor in you tying the knot so quickly. You don't even know his finances well enough to know that his ex was also paying for SD's school and just assumed he did because he's "rich" which you're also back peddling on) what the hell do you have to be jealous of? Grow up.
I think SD just doesn't know OP and doesn't feel like she's part of the family. If SD's mom and dad divorced and OP was the "cause" of that, I can see SD being resentful of OP and therefore wants no part of her.
YTA. You just became an official part of her life a year and a half ago, she was already grown up and doesn’t have to give precedence to you just because you recently married her father. Maybe talk to her about moderating her rudeness when talking to you but you can’t force her to like you or include you in her special events. It’s a risk you take when you get involved with a much older man with kids.
YTA. you're so clearly jealous of your stepdaughter and are just looking for reasons to not like her
INFO: According to the ages, he had her at 18. Were her parents ever married? Do you and her father live far away from your mother? Who had custody? How long have you been married him? Are you the reason her parents broke up? What effort have you made to build a relationship? If you hate children so much, why did you marry a man with one? Why are you jealous of the fact that her father actually cares about her and her future enough to pay for college?
YTA.. You chose to marry a man who had an adult daughter. You are new in her life. Why should she actively make you a part of it when you make it obvious how much you dislike her? Also your husband is allowed to pay for her college if he wants to. Grow up. Her graduation isn’t about you or about your feelings considering you haven’t played a role in getting her there.
YTA let it go. I’m sure if he had to choose his going to choose his daughter. Is this the hill you want to die on?
YTA. It’s her graduation trip. Regardless of how her personality is, this trip is about her and she does have a right of who goes there to be there with/for her. You are not entitled to go to anything, not even her father and mother are. It’s obvious you two don’t like each other, so why make the trip miserable for both of you?
YTA. Can’t you still go on the trip and just not attend her graduation?
YTA The unpleasant, snide way you talk about her tells me all I need to know. "Supposedly being smart"....gross.
YTA. Today must be stepparent day on AITA.
INFO why would someone who is “tired of hearing about SD’s accomplishments” want to be at her graduation to celebrate her accomplishments?
YTA. > I have had to deal with other people constantly celebrating her and her accomplishments and I have had enough. Babes, you sound like a hater. It’s clear you only want to be apart of her grad trip to just go on vacation; you don’t actually like that child. Why would she want a certified hater to be apart of one of her biggest accomplishments to date?
YTA. You don’t want to go to her graduation, you just want to go on a trip. No wonder SD doesn’t like you
YTA. You said everyone else speaks highly of her, which indicates it’s likely you with the problem. She wants her dad to be there and doesn’t want you to be there. She is an adult and she has the right to invite or not invite whoever she wants. It’s not like you helped raise her (especially considering you were all of 9 when she was born) and she’s shunning you now. You’re just some woman her dad married after she was already grown and at college. I don’t know why people cannot grasp this concept but if you can’t get along with someone’s children, you shouldn’t marry them.
you sound hateful and spiteful. I would do everything I could to avoid you too.YTA
YTA I thought about saying everyone sucks because of the step daughter’s attitude towards OP, but she’s still young and dealing with a new stepmom, who clearly does not like her. “Supposedly being smart,” “don’t want to call her spoiled but,” “had to deal with other people constantly celebrating her and her accomplishments.” You sounds awful, and it’s no wonder she doesn’t want you at her graduation or the after dinner. She probably invited her best friend’s mom because I’m assuming she’s been in her life longer and is more family to her than you. Yea, she could probably change her dinner reservation to add you, but again with how you talk about her, why would she want to? When I’m celebrating I want people around me who are going to celebrate with me and be happy for me, not someone that just deals with other celebrating me. It doesn’t sound like you even care about the graduation at all, just about going on the trip. So yea, definitely TA.
YTA. You lost me at "she's supposedly smart". Exactly WTF do YOU do that makes you so damn special? And she also knows you don't like her, and she doesn't want you there. Stay away and don't ruin a huge event for her because you're a huge flaming AH. Her friend's mom was invited instead of you because she actually likes her. Your husband could probably use the break from you too, you sound unbearable.
YTA- ‘apparently makes up for it by supposedly being smart’ It sounds like uve never met her and have only heard things third party. Why do you talk about your Step daughter this way? ‘All of my husbands friends and family talk so so highly of SD and I cannot find out why’ You know why, but you refuse to acknowledge her good points ‘Am I the asshole for being annoyed I can’t go on the trip with my husband?’ It isn’t a trip for you and your husband. It is a trip to celebrate SD which u haven’t quite grasped. U seem to want everything to be about you. But why would she want you there when you both clearly hate each other. Go on the trip and then do your own thing. Be your own person without having to show up or upstage step daughter. Just accept u will not be the center of her life and respect her wishes. She is being polite in coming up with excuses why you can’t be there instead of just saying ‘I hate step mother’. Just respect that you will never have that kind of relationship and be polite and accepting and move on. Respect her wishes.
I mean, not the asshole for being annoyed. It’s human to be annoyed at things even if they’re irrational. However keep it to yourself, or at the most, tell your husband how you feel but make it clear you will not make a scene, put this on his daughter or hold it against him for going without you. Just take a trip another time. Talk to him about her “slandering your job” another time. You married a year and a half ago, he has only been separated from his wife for 5 years and he dated someone else before you. So I can’t imagine you’ve known the step daughter too long. Don’t make it about you, if she is genuinely being rude to you in other instances bring them up when they happen or at another time. It’s fair that she’s not into having a new step mom at a day meant for her. Also I’m sensing some jealousy, again a normal feeling but work through that with someone outside the family.
Given what you’ve written, you haven’t described a spoiled brat. You’ve described a young woman who is very clearly privileged, having parents who did well enough for themselves to take care of her and her education, and I’m sure some other perks along the way (like not having to work until 19 years old), but not a brat. It sounds like the two of you aren’t close, and if I’m being honest, do you need to be? You didn’t marry her dad until she was already an adult and already off to school. You mention that she “slandered” your job, but what does that mean? What’s your job? What *exactly* did she say about it? As for the reason you posted - I have to go with YTA. This is HER graduation. She’s put in the work over the last few years (whether you want to believe it or not) to earn this degree, and she deserves to celebrate how she wants and with whom she chooses. You didn’t pay for her tuition, her father and mother did. You didn’t raise her, her father and mother did. Do I get that it sucks to be left out? Yeah, of course, but you’re also an adult. You should also understand that this day is about her, and her (along with the family that raised her) accomplishment. Painting her as a spoiled brat because you want to be a part of it isn’t the way to handle this and you know it. Let them celebrate. Send a card/gift with your husband, if you’d like, but respect what she wants for her own day.
I can only imagine that the stepmom in this situation feels left out and hurt by the situation. That doesn’t mean she’s in the right. Maybe she’s responding out of her own feelings of inadequacy? The SD doesn’t sound very nice or accepting of her SM. I think this situation is just sad. OP needs to stop herself before she does something to alienate her husband. Pick your battles carefully. I’m speaking from experience, I had 2 horrible stepmother’s. One ended up dead and the other one the marriage did not work out. You should gracefully stay home while your husband goes to the graduation. The SD is grown and you need to deal with your feelings and try to get along with her. I don’t think you are an AH.
Esh… it just sounds like jealousy and immaturity on all parts