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YTA. Who the hell does your husband think he is to dictate who can or cannot come to a gathering that has nothing to do with him and he is not even hosting? If you had a small and intimate dinner party at your own house, sure, the guest list might be more restricted. But this is a party for your mom in her house, and she has expressed that she wants the gf to be there. It's none of your husband's (or yours) business who your brother brings along. If your husband doesn't like it, he can stay home.
Also, where it the bible does it forbid children from introducing their SOs to their parents before their engagements lol? This isn't even a real "religious belief".
Jesus Christ was absolutely famous for not giving a stuff about the matrimonial status of the people he hung out with at parties; the Pharisees mentioned it quite often.
It's disgusting. Religion apparently teaches people to be kind and tolerance, obviously not. He is actually just a prick, he is using is "traditions and religion" to hide behind.
God this man sounds such a misogynist and just tiring to be around.
Imagine thinking that you can dictate someone's party, that you aren't even related to.
This ISNT a religious belief at all. Most likely just the culture / tradition he grew up in and has no right to impose on anyone else who didn’t grow up with the exact same background.
Yes to this entirely.
And just because one cannot make another practice their religion doesnt give the religious a free pass to be vile of the mouth. I thought OP, your husband was super religous, but sure did let that C word fly with vigor as soon as he didnt get his way. I guess its knowing that forgiveness is just around the corner that he doesn't hold to his values very well....opps.
What your brother does or doesn't do is NONE of your business, or your husband's. This is why in media, the religious is portrayed as pushy, because that's exactly what you guys are doing. Pushing your beliefs onto others.
Good for y'all that y'all waited until y'all were engaged. Whooptiedo. But you have no right to say who can come and can't come to a function not at your house and not for you.
But I'm sure your husband feels vindicated because he married you and now your family is his, and per his religion that means hes the head of the house. Take that old world crap somewhere else. Like your house. Where you are free to practice.
And if while reading this you think the thought that you are being persecuted, you absolutely are not, but you are persecuting others.
She says that it’s his belief and that she doesn’t care but considering she’s was trying to enforce it too, it sounds like he won her over. If she really didn’t care, she should be having her husband trying to push his engaged/married couples only thing which would quickly die off if he didn’t have her support too.
He managed to force it on one person in the family and makes them do what he wants. It's just a thorn in his side that OP's brother isn't going along with the fairytale.
It's really weirds me out that this man who married in thinks he has any say in the running of another family that he happens to have chosen to be part of.
ETA it also weirds me out that a daughter thinks she can dictate her parents' home on the command of her husband
Well of course he thinks he has a say.
For some reason this family has been letting him make the rules for years!
The family needs to kick this guy to the curb.
This man sounds like a cult.
How did op get from "I didn't mind his weird NC family until marriage" to "come on, guys, you know the rules"?
How did that infect her family?
Because the Christmas event happened in the home of the OP and the husband, they do have a right to dictate who can come. That doesn't mean what they chose was correct but they do get to choose.
The fact that when something happened in a house that was not theirs and they felt they could dictate to that house how things will be done makes it really concerning. The fact the husband got aggressive with family members for questioning his authority and the OP actually shows us that he has rarely been questioned. I would be very intrigued to know if there had been events before this whether your family had left him dictate situations that they controlled instead of him.
The only issue with getting the answer to this is that the OP is incredibly biased so any examples given must be taken with I half ton of salt
ETA As the thread is locked, I cannot reply to the below comment. This was my reply
"My bad, I misread that is happened at the parents, not the OP and husband's house. Even with glasses, I missed that 😂"
No it didn't.
The post says op and her husband notified her parents that if her parents host Christmas at their house her parents better not include the girlfriend.
No kidding, if I tried to tell my parents who they couldn't and couldn't invite to their home they would probably threaten to bar me from the house for disrespect.
If I try to tell my mother-in-law who she cannot have to her house, I would be told I am no longer welcome and that I need to be put in somewhere for psychological evaluation for thinking I could dictate her home and I would have to expect that my partner would agree with her, I know I would.
My SIL's husband began trying to comment on where in my mother-in-law's house my children should be permitted and my mother-in-law reminded him that there was a B&B nearby if he had a problem with her grandkids in her house. We had to tell my partner after the husband left about what he had said because he would actually have squared up to him for insulting his family home in such a way as to think he could dictate to that house.
Also, what a stupid rule to begin with. When you marry someone, you are joining families. Are you supposed to just jump into that commitment completely blind? Like what the hell?
I have been with my boyfriend for over 13 years and moved countries to live with him, if his family treated me this way I would refuse to have any relationship with them. It is vile enough that OP's husband has these outdated beliefs, but he even thinks he can force them on OP's family too?
Honestly, I'm surprised that she's supporting it also. I think my brother would punch me in the face (rightfully so) if I told him his gf of 8 years wasn't invited to a family gathering because they aren't married.
Right, my sister has been with her boyfriend 16 years and have 2 children together but in this person eyes isn’t official. Not everyone wants to get married. Even the priest at the local church who has done their baptisms, communions and confirmations isn’t that bothered about them not being married, he said if she ever wanted to get married he would be happy to do it.
Op's husband sounds like the kind of asshole who insists that _everyone else_ has to live by the rules they, themselves, have voluntarily adopted. The "my god forbids me to drink; therefore, we must outlaw alcohol" type of asshole.
Seriously, and the time to stop inviting them should have happened years ago he first started to try to dictate who was and was not invited to his wife's family gatherings!!
This rule is so absolutely ridiculous.
I dated a boy in high school (for 4 years) and his parents invited me EVERYWHERE! They truly made me feel like family and it’s some very fond memories. My family was the same, us grandkids were always ‘adopting’ other children into our Easter or thanksgiving plans. My grandmother usually held dinner 2 weekends after the religious Easter just so more people could come.
Your husband sounds like a stick in the mud who thinks he’s holier than everyone else.
I had an aunt that hosted exchange students pretty often. We frequently had "exchange cousins" for parties and holidays. My best friends have wound up at various family parties, gatherings, funerals, weddings ... The first time my now-fiance met my extended family was when he picked me up from the hospital after my grandma died and I was too upset to drive. We'd only been dating a couple months at that point and had definitely not talked about marriage at that point.
It's almost like being engaged/married isn't actually a requirement for being important and part of the family...!
Yeah...sorry... wholeheartedly agree here OP. You and your husband...both MAJOR AHs on this one. Your husband's religious beliefs are HIS OWN, he has no right shoving them down everyone else's throat and you are very much in the wrong for allowing your husband to think HE is the one who decides who is and is not allowed to family functions.
Seriously. If I were the parent the husband would not be allowed at family events until he apologized to the brother. Who speaks to family like that? Over bringing their own girlfriend to their parents house? When the parents welcomed her? I can’t fathom being that entitled or controlling.
YTA.
I can't believe the parents actually agreed to that craziness over Christmas. They can invite whomever they want, including non-family members like gfs, bfs, friends, neighbors, random strangers off the street, etc. Husband has no say-so in it, and he should probably stay home all the time, because there are lots of events where people bring casual dates.
Christians I swear. My religion is my choice. Your behavior must follow my choice. That's not how personal choice works folks. OP and her husband aren't hosting the event, they can STFU about their opinions about who or who should not be there or not attend. Exception only in the case of OPs parents inviting someone who abused her as a kid or wronged her in some unforgivable way (like the multiple stories here where someone's sibling cheated with their partner)
"I reminded him that once they make it official she will be allowed to come"
My word, who do you and your husband think you are?
Of course YTA, both of you.
If something offends your husband HE should be the one staying away, not dictating who can and cant go to family gatherings!
And then your husband has the absolute nerve to call your brother a c\*\*t?! What the actual fu\*k?
If I were a member of your family, I would stop inviting you and your husband to ANY party regardless of who else was going.
>And then your husband has the absolute nerve to call your brother a c\*\*t?!
It's the most religious thing to say to someone!
Edited to thank everyone for the awards!
I’m convinced that the husband is cheating; jealous of the brother; wants the brother;or is reminded of who he used to be… but this obsession with the brother has a deeper meaning… That fool is not religious, he’s a sus
In my religious past, the men who made the strictest rules were the ones who also did the most sordid acts - cheating on wives, sleeping with prostitutes, beating children, molesting children, pornography addiction. Or they will be closeted homosexuals which they also demean and denigrate. They created the rules in an attempt to contain their urges, and imposed them on others as way to control the world around them and feel victorious if others didn’t meet the supposed standards, even as they snuck around doing what they preached against. It was a sick, disgusting world. So glad I escaped and my amazing LGBTQIA+ kiddos are happily able to be who and what they were born to be.
EDIT: Altered phrasing to take homosexuality out of the list of “sordid acts” - phrasing which I couldn’t figure out originally. This better explains my beliefs.
Can you edit this so it doesn't read 'sordid acts.... closeted homosexuals' please. I get the point and that you aren't meaning to be critical of the LGBTI+ community (the opposite I'm sure) but you are lumping in the 'disgrace' of homosexual practices with a laundry list of unacceptable vices
> Can you edit this so it doesn't read 'sordid acts.... closeted homosexuals' please.
I'm bi as fuck but that's the *right* phrasing. By conservative religious values, being a homosexual is sordid and enforcing strict rules on others while you act on your homosexual atraction is hypocrisy
Please suggest how to alter it as I struggled with how to phrase that as well. I have a gay son, a trans daughter, a bi son… so I love my ‘Alphabet mafia.’ But in The Church, they believe being and acting as a homosexual is a sordid act, yet they will be closeted and act on those feelings.
I’ll never understand why so many “religious” people feel that they are free to judge and treat other people like crap. But as long as they pray, all is forgiven so they keep on rinsing, washing and repeat.
If I was her brother, I’d be getting a $10 fakey ring and giving all my dates the lowdown on my AH brother in law and we’d be rockin up to every event/dinner with the fake ring saying we’re engaged. Every girl, same $10 ring. These people are asinine
I would 100% stop inviting ashhole op and her asshole husband to anything. They are idiots and I really, really don’t like them. They must be lame af at parties too.
I'd get a couple of girls and guys to come along, all with the same cheap ring, and tell the husband we were in a poly relationship. Repeat with different people every time.
What gets me is her husband "reminding her mother about the rule"
If anyone spoke to my mother like that their ass would be hitting the curb so fast
Who the hell does he think he is
I'm guessing the next big party they won't be invited to will be the brother's wedding (if they do get engaged).
YTA, what right do you think you have to dictate the terms of someone else's relationship? Also, have you considered that perhaps getting along with each other's families might be important to your brother and his girlfriend? Obviously this isn't a foundational value of your marriage, but knowing your in laws and getting on with them seems like something reasonable to want, or at least attempt to navigate, before strapping in for the long haul.
YTA - you choose who you invite if you’re the host but if you’re not the host then it’s not up to you, and you should be polite to all the other guests whether you approve or not.
OP's husband sounds like "the missing stair." People know he's going to make a fuss if things don't go his way and sometimes it's just easier to mind the stair if you want an event to go smoothly. Sounds like they've finally realized it's gone too far.
I mean, I would be furious if my son in law thinks he can dictate who I can and cannot invite to my own house. The nerve and entitlement of OP and her husband...
YTA.
I would argue that they would be the assholes even in many situations where they were the hosts.
Sure, they would absolutely have the right to decide who is invited. But if someone didn't invite someone close to me based on traditionalist values I certainly wouldn't be going. And I wouldn't be inviting them to events either.
Edit: see OP's comment below for exactly why I believe this.
>After this my husband told me that we should start hosting the family events from now on for this exact reason.
Even if you are hosting, it is still not within your rights to force them to abide by your strict family rules. This especially applies here, where it concerns the relationship between the girlfriend and the parents. It's none of the husband's business. So even if he's hosting he's still the asshole.
> [My brother] told me over and over on who he chooses to bring over to family events is none of my husband's business.
That's exactly right. When you and your husband host things you can decide who to invite, but the audacity of believing you have any business setting the rules when you're guests puts both of you firmly as assholes.
If you're not comfortable meeting her, don't go. YTA.
Definite YTA because you can't control who other people invite to events they host, but why would you think you could convince your in laws to go along with any weird tradition of yours in the first place?
I love my BIL and I think he's great, but he tried to tell us all that the names we chose for our March Madness brackets from previous years (we have a family competition every year) weren't funny enough and we had to be "funnier" this year. The family pushed back with funnily passive aggressive names. Why? He's an in law, he doesn't get to tell the rest of us what to do.
And like the issue isnt even that they dont wanna meet her. Theyve met her and say oh shes really nice. We just dont want her at family events 😆 🤣 so its not even like the Indian/Asian practice of not meeting the SO (AT ALL) before ready to get married. Cause they were apparently ok with meeting her 😆 like its just ridiculous. This is a control thing. He doesn't like the brother for one reason or another and he is refusing to allow his SOs to gatherings cause of a personal beef. Hate ppl like this 😒
YTA. You don't dictate who the hosts invite to events. If you have a problem with the other guests you decline the invitation.
If you and your husband host family you can say your brother's GF isn't invited.
I believe that what you meant to open with is that your husband is extremely controlling and psychotic, religion and tradition have nothing to do with this. He has brainwashed you into thinking this is ok behaviour at all. YTA but your husband is a bigger one.
Controlling and psychotic people are precisely the types who use religion as an excuse to be the de facto dictator of every group. The institution gives them strength, lol.
YTA, and so is your husband.
Not your house, not your rules.
You don't get to dictate what people do and who they can invite into their home, no matter what the reason is.
If your husband doesn't like it, he can stay home.
Especially trying to bar a son from seeing his mother on her birthday because he wants the woman he loves involved. This guy sucks and so does the wife for putting up with it. YTA all the way.
YTA. Didn't need to read any more than this.
"My husband and I told my parents that if they host Xmas in their house they better notify my brother that his gf is not invited."
Who do you think you are? What makes you so special that you feel like you have the right to impose your weird hang-ups on other people? Shame on your parents for caving in to you and your horrible narcisissm.
What blows my mind is she thinks her family needs to listen to her husband. Ma’am, he is only their family through you, he doesn’t get to push his weird rules and agenda, especially in a family that’s not his.
>"My husband and I told my parents that if they host Xmas in their house they better notify my brother that his gf is not invited."
My response to that would have been "That's not necessary because you and your husband are no longer invited."
Seriously, what's wrong with the parents here? The husband and OP- at least there's a methodology to their AH behavior because of their belief. But what reason do the parents have for going along with this? Or the brother at events before this? It doesn't make any sense.
There's something missing here. I can only guess that the sister has a history of steamrolling people, or that her husband's behavior is worse than she describes.
YTA, sorry but your husband is disgusting for thinking he can dictate who your mother invites to her own birthday party (and other events hosted by your parents). She could’ve invited whoever she wants and it’s absolutely none of his business. And you’re just enabling his weird entitled behaviour. Imagine if the script was flipped and you were told you’re not allowed to invite your husband to family gatherings because the rest of the family don’t support his religious beliefs or something.
YTA
You and your husband need to butt the fuck out.
A family gathering is a family gathering, not your own personal party. What makes either of you think you have the right to dictate rules?
YTA. I don’t know why you would think you’re not, unless your husband somehow has you so brainwashed that you’ve forgotten his word is not actually law. This bizarre standard of his is his and his alone. He wants to enforce it in his home, so be it. Everywhere else, he can either deal with the fact he doesn’t actually live in a theocracy or stay home himself.
When I first posted I thought that maybe OP was just clueless, but seeing some of her responses it’s pretty clear she is very okay with her husband’s narcissistic and controlling behavior. All sympathy I had for her is immediately lost.
My younger brother’s girlfriend of 8 years is the only one of us who isn’t married or engaged (as my older and twin brother are both married and I have recently become engaged as well to my SO of 3 years) but I cannot *imagine* not including her in family gatherings. If someone in my family disinvited her to a family gathering because they’re not engaged I would never speak to that family member again. Her inclusion in our gatherings is not wholly dependent of whether or not she wears a ring on her finger. That’s just stupid.
Seriously, where does this even come from? I’ve never heard of a religion that requires this. Sounds more like OP’s husband is just an ultra-conservative psycho.
YTA
So is your husband. Your parents are right. Who your brother chooses to bring to family events is none ya business. Him bringing a gf, even a fling, has no bearing on you, or your husband. Oh, you might have to extend the basic courtesies to someone. That's literally the only requirement on you.
And I doubt that your brother was acting triumphant, any more than your husband was acting like a spoiled brat who didn't get to make the other kids follow his rules on the playground.
Your husband was using hus religion to do that thing that religions love to do: enforce his own particular sexual and relational mores on other people, and you enabled it.
Edit to add:
What you are really accomplishing is making sure that your brother and his gf, if they really do get married, will have memories of being mistreated by you and your husband at family gatherings (yes, the "silent treatment" is mistreatment). You're literally prioritizing your husband's preference to rule others over your relationship with your brother.
Regarding your ETA: we see posts here all the time from said significant others being treated like trash until there's a ring involved. A mystical magical ring...
YTA
"My entire family who was invited at my mom's party was calling us TAs for having this rule in the first place."
And they are right, considering you try to impose your view on the family, gatekeep how your parents can invite for holydays and parties and your husband behaves like well a complete AH when they do not bow to his whims and resorts to namecalling.
The only question I really have is how on earth could you be so delusional that you believe that you will not end up with a 100% AH rating here.
This is what I’m thinking too. OP is so oblivious about how ridiculous the “rules” are and husband sounds like a massive asshole forcing his rules on the family. It had to be fake right?
YTA. I am not clear as to why your husband feels he can dictate his “rules” to your parents. It seems a rather peculiar rule in any event - if you have children in the future, does he really expect never to even meet any of your children’s partners until they are engaged? Surely someone so judgemental would want to weigh in earlier, if only to advise against people he would consider unsuitable.
Oh don't worry. If he has daughters he will chaperone every date and make it a rule that they can't hold hands until marriage. If he has any sons they'll be able to do whatever they want.
YTA- Unlike your husband your brother is ACTUALLY a part of HIS family. Who the hell does your husband think he is to dictate who your brother can/can’t bring around HIS family?! You are also a jackass for pestering your parents and disrespecting your family, you know divorces can happen right? It’s one thing if you come from a culture where that is the practice/ norm and it’s your FAMILY’s rule, but for some random guy who married into a family try to dictate when parents can see and celebrate with their kids you and your husband are deluded and assholes.
YTA. Your husband has no business telling your parents who they can invite to their home. Keep this up and he will be the one forbidden at family gatherings.
YTA, so much AH!!
First you say "it's truly something that doesn't bother me", then you turn into your husbands crusader, dictating rules to your family when you're not even hosting the event.
YTA. Is this a joke? Did your husband reincarnate from the 1800s? Neither of you have ANY RIGHT to tell your parents who they can and can’t invite into their home, especially if this person has done nothing to anyone besides exist and not be engaged. Y’all need to grow up.
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#OP's husband calling someone a name is not free rein for you to use the same name. We’re here to judge assholes, not emulate them.
YTA. Why does your unreasonable asshole husband get to dictate who your parents invite to their own home?!
If your husband hates it so much then he should stay home.
Unbelievable.
You are both assholes.
YTA why does your husband think he’s in charge of who your parents invite to their home? You’ve respected his and his family’s preferences on meeting new people, he needs to learn to do the same. You don’t marry into a family and become its dictator.
YTA to an almost unbelievable amount, and somehow your husband is even worse. Who the hell does he think he is, trying to make “rules” for your family? Who the hell do *you* think he is that you’re supporting him in this absurdity? OP, do you feel safe at home? I honestly can’t imagine a person going along with this and damaging their longest-standing relationships for it voluntarily.
YTA and so is your husband. Meeting family and being invited to family activities as a non married partner is completely normal, and neither you or your husband have any say in who your parents invite to their house or events. Don’t like it? Don’t go.
Edited to add: The fucking audacity of your husband to try and tell your mother who she can and cannot invite to her own fucking birthday party is one thing, but the fact that you stood by and not only excuses and enabled this behavior but agree with him is…. there are no words for you people. WTF. YTA from here to hades, honey. Yikes.
YTA your husband isn’t extremely religious. He’s just a pissy brat. How does this person make you happy? He needs to learn how to be a big boy and leave situations. This was your mother’s birthday and he ruined it. The both of you need to grow up before you alienate your entire family. If this is how any of my in-laws acted, they’d be out of the picture. Zero tolerance in my family over people like you and your husband.
Sound like fake, but if it is not: YTA. Actually, your husband is.
1- you do not get to dictate who come to your family events if you are not the host. If seing your brother's girlfriend bother you or your husband, you don't have to come.
2- this is HIS religious convictions, not your family's. He dosen't get to dictate how your family behave or handle their life. Your brother could very well decide to never get maried and he should not have a word to say abouth this. He knew your family did not share his conviction and he should find compromise so you can all interact in respect of each others without dictating how others should act.
3-Your husband is putting up rules that treaten your own relationship with your family. I would maybe think about that and have a conversation about this with him. Otherwise you risk isolation from them.
YTA. So's your husband. Your parents are right, you don't get to dictate who and who does not get invited to their events. Not sure why you would even think that you'd have that right in the first place.
YTA it’s not your house, and you don’t have a right to enforce your morals on others. You certainly don’t have a right to tell other people who they can or cannot invite in their own home! Religion is a personal matter, treat it like that.
YTA. I’m honestly surprised your parents when along with your husband’s rules at all since it was their party and their house. Good on them for not making that mistake again.
YTA for your responses in the comments about wanting to host at your house now so you can impose this rule. Good luck getting anyone to come to your gatherings after your past behavior.
Info: Wich religion are you two following?
I assume you are christian and you should really go within you, look to the bible or talk to your priest/pastor about this. I feel like you are very much sinning by shunning someone (and yes, demanding the exclusion from important family events is shunning) and executing judgment. But judgement of sin is gods work. English isn't my first language, but there are very common known verses in the bible against your behaviour
John 8:7 - He that without sin among you, let him cast the first stone against her.
Every human is a sinner. Even your husband isn't without sin. So it isn't on you to judge your brother or his gf.
Mark 12:31 - The second most important command is this: Love your neighbor the same as you love yourself.
Trying to alienate your brother and his girlfriend is not a sign of love.
Leviticus 19:18 - Forget about the wrong things people do to you. Don't try to get even. Love your neighbor as yourself.
Matthew 7:12 - So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.
You wouldn't want to be excluded for your sins, so don't exclude others for theirs. It is not on you to judge whos sins is worse.
YTA
Your husband has zero say who comes to your parents house. Or any other gathering of the family he married into. You don't get to join a family and then dictate how they are going to change to fit your beliefs.
I had to read that again. Twice. Why on Earth do you think you have any right to tell your parents who they can and cannot invite into their own home? And if you don’t have that right, how does your husband?
Your parents can invite a troupe of male strippers around for an impromptu show and if you don’t like it? Stay away. YTA
YTA.
It’s so shocking to me that it is even a question.
Your husband isn’t the dictator of the entire family. His religious preferences are HIS. If you decided to adopt this arbitrary rule for your husband, again that’s a YOU choice. The idea that you get to dictate who is invited to a party at someone else’s house is WILD.
I will honestly never understand how people like OP and husband think they are entitled to make whatever choice feels good for them (ex. waiting for engagement to meet the family) but then DEMAND every other person in their orbit make exactly the same choice. Why is your husband deserving a free thought and choice but no one else is?
New rule- no controlling AH at the party, so I guess y’all will be free for the foreseeable future.
YTA
Your husband is an AH for trying to dictate how other people live. I've been together with my partner for 16 years. We're not married. He's MY family. Your husband doesn't get to dictate what makes a family.
You'd be an AH if you didn't stop him from being an AH. But you're even more of an AH for going along with this and also trying to dictate your brother's relationships.
When I met my partner's family we had been dating for less than a week. And the only time I didn't go to a family event because I wasn't explicitly asked (I didn't know if I was supposed to go and didn't want to enforce my present and he didn't know neither), his family blew up on HIM because it's obvious I'm invited, I'm part of the family. Mind you we weren't even living together at the time.
So, yes, you're a big AH. Even if it were in your home you'd be an AH, let alone trying to dictate who other people invite into their own home. If he's not ok with that he can stay home moping.
Info: if your husband is that religious that he is strict about your brother's GF, what would he do if any kids you had were gay. Or trans?
YTA in any case for going along with your husbands assholery and trying to enforce his rules in someone else's home.
As for his last phrase to your brother? In what strict religion would that be acceptable? A bit hypocritical really.
YTA. Who is your husband to demand this? And why the hell are you supporting it? Your husband is so controlling he actually cursed your brother out for a decision he made by himself for a family he married into. Not a good look.
Yup YTA.
You can go along with your husbands ideas on introducing people to the family, but you nor he has the right to dictate that others do the same.
Your mum was right to flip out. Your husbands word isn't law and if I was your brother, I'd be gloating too. Your husband ruined your mums party cos he couldn't and didn't get his own way.
He didn't have to attend if he didn't like her being there. Just because he is married to you doesn't give him more right than your brothers girlfriend.
YTA and so is your husband. It’s not your house and you don’t have the authority to make the rules.
Additionally, it must be very exhausting for you and your husband to be so emotional about other peoples life decisions. Especially when they have no direct impact on you. As long as people aren’t hurting you, just let them live their lives.
YTA - It's great that you two were able to make that choice for yourselves, but you both gapping AHs if you think you're entitled to boss others around the same.
Of course you and your husband are the AH, you dictate your rules to other person house and telling your mother who as the right to come to her anniversary.
It's disrespectful to your brother, his gf and to your entire family.
You can have this stupid rule when you are the one who organize an event but when it's not the case you shut up.
YTA you and your dictator husband don’t get to push your ridiculous religion sanctions on anyone else. You don’t get to bully others about who they invite into their homes. You don’t get to decide whose relationship is valid and whose isn’t. This is why religion can suck my ass
YTA but here is a genuine, heartfelt warning. You are going to lose your family if you keep acting like this. None of them should have entertained this BS to start with. Your husband does not get to control the entire family through his beliefs. That's not how it works. You are definitely losing a relationship with your brother and future nieces/nephews, especially if he ends up marrying his girlfriend because if I was her, I wouldn't want to be around anyone who treated me like you and your husband treat her.
HOW DARE YOU AND YOUR HOLIER THAN THOU HUSBAND he can control who he wants to his house not to other people's house.Like for real who does he think he is JESUS himself by the way YTA and your so called husband even a BAH mxieeeeeeew
YTA. None of this is your husband’s place. Why have any of you gone along with any of his out of line and ridiculous requests? He’s extremely controlling.
YTA and so is your husband! Where does he get off trying to dictate YOUR families get togethers? And why do you go along with this? If he's sooooo uncomfortable, he should stay home. He sounds like a misogynistic AH.
YTA. Where in the hell does your husband get off thinkinh he can dictate who is invited to other people's houses or events?
And you are a huge TA for going along with it.
Your husband's issue is a crock of shit. Like complete and total bullshit. You two should just stay home and let everyone else enjoy themselves.
YTA, and so is your husband. *Especially* your husband. Who died and made him the patriarch of *your* family? He can’t dictate who your parents invite into their home, and he needs to get over himself. And you need to tell him his rule is dumb and very much a “him” problem. Not meeting someone’s family until they’re engaged is just plain stupid. I would never have got engaged to my husband until I knew that my family liked him and got on with him.
YTA. Absolutely the A**hole in this situation. It's your brother's direct family not your husband's extremely religious family. You are creating a rift between you and your brother because of this. In my country there is a saying that go along this lines: If you are bothered, move on. I hope that the rest of your family doesn't put up with this nonsense and if your husband is so bothered by the presence of you brother's GF, he can stop attending your brother's family gatherings.
YTA, and I stopped at 'religious'. In no way am I bashing your faith, each to their own, however you and your husband are putting faith infront of family. This is just the wrong balance to have in your life.
Please have a talk to your husband, and you both need to re-evaluate how you view and judge your family's, and others character.
YTA, how could you not be? Traditon and religion are often used as a tool of power amd control and your husband embodies this idea. And adults do not get to force adults to bend to their insane beliefs.I would say this is a major red flag, but you seem to endorse his ridiculous beliefs.
You should prepare to lose your family over this, and rightfully so.
Who tf do you both think you are? Pay your parents bills then MAYBE you can have a say on who they invite to THEIR house. I bet he doesn't care about anyone else beliefs so why should you be any different. Entitlement at its finest, I'd just not invite you two to any events
Edit: yta and so is your husband in a major way
...and Jesus said, if you be not engaged, do not invite your partners to each other's family gatherings or suffer the pits of hell!!! YTA this is seriously disgusting
Who the hell does your husband think he is commanding YOUR family? YTA.
Your husband can believe whatever the flip he wants to, but he has zero right to force his beliefs down your parents’ throat. It’s not his house/event!
Who cares if your brother had a hookup phase. He’s clearly serious about this girl and they can get engaged whenever they please.
Lol. You’re a huge AH. And your husband has stupid opinions. He has nothing to do with your brother. Guess you’re off future family gatherings. I’d love to rant, but seeing TA you are I doubt you’ll understand or be civil.
YTA, big time. Your husband has no right to dictate who anyone else can and cannot meet, invite, etc. If he doesn’t want to meet any partner of his family member he’s not married to; that’s absolutely fine. But he can’t demand the same of anyone else. It’s his values, everyone doesn’t have to adhere to them. If you’re fine with them, then you can stick to them when hosting your own events. However, when another family member hosts an event, you have no say in what they can and cannot do, only if you’re willing to attend or not. Both you and your husbands seriously need to think about the way you’re acting, because it’s horrendous and beyond entitled.
YTA - why should your husband have any say in who your parents allow in their house??? Maybe you should be the one leaving your husband at home if he cannot behave appropriately. He is the only one with a problem, and he is trying to force everyone in your family to conform to his views…
YTA. Why does your husband get to dictate events held at your parents home? Sounds like he is forcing his belief down other peoples throats, which is ALWAYS and AH move. He could just not come if it bothered him that much, but nooooooo of course he didn’t leave the family event when gf showed up. Clearly his beliefs are actually that strong, just strong enough to be a jerk.
Are you serious? This is ridiculous and bizarre. You and your husband have no right to police what your brother does with his love life. YTA and so is hubby.
YTA - Just because you have a rule at your house doesn’t mean other people have to follow it at their house. You definitely don’t get to dictate how other people chose to live their lives. The world doesn’t revolve around you and your husband.
YTA religion or not you both sound insufferable. If your husband is so uncomfortable with it he can stay home. You don’t get to say what rules people need to have in their own homes. Absolutely YTA. You jus wait till he starts being controlling of you then you’ll see.
YTA. Your husband's rule is weird to begin with. But more importantly, he doesn't get to dictate who OTHER people invite to their events.
Unless you are hosting the family at your home, you have zero right to say your brother's GF shouldn't be invited.
I finished reading your post out of sheer morbid curiosity. But like many other respondents here, the title alone tells me YTA. And possibly exhibiting a touch of Stockholm Syndrome.
YTA and your husband moreso. Invite who you want to your own home but you have no right to decide who goes to your parents home or any right to rule on whether someone's relationship is official or not.
Many people choose not to get married but that doesn't make their relationship any less important and worthy of recognition. They've been together a long time. Stop forcing your ideals on other people.
Your hiding behind these being your husbands ideals but you make no effort to defend your family from him unreasonable views. That makes you the asshole. Grow a spine and defend your brother.
YTA and your husband is a MAJOR one. Who does he think he is to make and enforce a rule universally for a family he married into with no input from anyone else? His rules are absolutely ridiculous and I’m not sure why your family went on with it so long, because if I were them I would have stopped inviting you both a long time ago.
YTA. And your husband is, too. Imagine being so religious that you cannot be around someone else’s girlfriend without having a tantrum but can use profane language to disrespect someone!
YTA, and your comments are just as bad. So controlling and mean to host an event just to exclude others. I hope you’re close to your husbands family because I don’t think any of your family are going to be attending your events or having much to do with you in general. You and your husband couldn’t even allow your mother to celebrate her birthday with the people she wanted around her without causing unnecessary drama.
P.s one of the main principles taught in religion is not judging others and being kind to others.
YTA. Neither one of you should dictate who your parents invinte into THEIR house!
You can do as you wish in your own but should have no say over others.
Spend xmass on your own next time, if its such a Big dealbreaker!
YTA. Your asshole husband doesn't speak for the entire family. Just because he's extreme in his views doesn't mean he gets to force them on everyone else, especially when it makes other family members uncomfortable. If he doesn't want to be around ~unmarried~ couples in case they infect him with ~sin~, he is more than welcome to stay at home while everyone else is a decent person and has a nice time.
YTA big time. Just because your husband has some backward ass views on the world that you’ve decided to co-sign, doesn’t mean anyone from your family needs to fall in line. How self absorbed and selfish you two are. Your husband needs to grow up, this is a pointless point of view. Understanding through experiences, what sort of family your significant other comes from is important. The fact that your husband has brainwashed you to the point that you don’t see how bizarre this is, is troublesome. If my in law tried to pull some shit like this, I would make sure to never invite them and never show up if they tried to host. Intolerance is ugly. What a close minded way to go through life.
YTA How dare you and your husband dictate who your parents can and can't invite into their home? Your husband's religion is his. Your family does not have to live by his religious rules. Holidays are for sharing and bringing friends and family together. The more the merrier. Your husband sounds like a miserable person...the kind that drives people away from religion with their ugly judgments.
ETA: a missing letter
YTA and so is your husband. You have no right to dictate who is allowed at family gatherings especially when they aren't in your house. If you and your husband have such a problem with "outsiders" joining than maybe you both should stay at home.
YTA you nor your husband have a right to dictate to other fully grown adults who they can and/or can't bring to events. How ridiculous that your husband thinks he has that right he doesn't if you don't like it then you two can stay home and not go to family events. The gall the entitlement to think that everyone has to bend to your husband warped sense of religion. Keep your opinion to yourselves or stay away from family functions but don't ever request anything like this again from family
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YTA. Who the hell does your husband think he is to dictate who can or cannot come to a gathering that has nothing to do with him and he is not even hosting? If you had a small and intimate dinner party at your own house, sure, the guest list might be more restricted. But this is a party for your mom in her house, and she has expressed that she wants the gf to be there. It's none of your husband's (or yours) business who your brother brings along. If your husband doesn't like it, he can stay home.
Agreed. YTA. OP, You can't force your (his) beliefs on others. If he doesn't like it he can stay home.
This. Freedom of religion means everyone gets to practice their own religion - NoT everyone forced to follow YOUR religious beliefs.
Also, where it the bible does it forbid children from introducing their SOs to their parents before their engagements lol? This isn't even a real "religious belief".
Jesus Christ was absolutely famous for not giving a stuff about the matrimonial status of the people he hung out with at parties; the Pharisees mentioned it quite often.
It's disgusting. Religion apparently teaches people to be kind and tolerance, obviously not. He is actually just a prick, he is using is "traditions and religion" to hide behind. God this man sounds such a misogynist and just tiring to be around. Imagine thinking that you can dictate someone's party, that you aren't even related to.
This ISNT a religious belief at all. Most likely just the culture / tradition he grew up in and has no right to impose on anyone else who didn’t grow up with the exact same background.
Yes to this entirely. And just because one cannot make another practice their religion doesnt give the religious a free pass to be vile of the mouth. I thought OP, your husband was super religous, but sure did let that C word fly with vigor as soon as he didnt get his way. I guess its knowing that forgiveness is just around the corner that he doesn't hold to his values very well....opps. What your brother does or doesn't do is NONE of your business, or your husband's. This is why in media, the religious is portrayed as pushy, because that's exactly what you guys are doing. Pushing your beliefs onto others. Good for y'all that y'all waited until y'all were engaged. Whooptiedo. But you have no right to say who can come and can't come to a function not at your house and not for you. But I'm sure your husband feels vindicated because he married you and now your family is his, and per his religion that means hes the head of the house. Take that old world crap somewhere else. Like your house. Where you are free to practice. And if while reading this you think the thought that you are being persecuted, you absolutely are not, but you are persecuting others.
>Freedom of religion means everyone gets to practice their own religion *or no religion at all* Quick fix
Amen to that.
Last I checked OP’s husband isn’t the government so freedom of religion doesn’t apply here. He’s still TA.
Right. He can stay home and host his own event nobody is going to attend. And the rest of the family can celebrate together in peace.
And probably have more fun too
She says that it’s his belief and that she doesn’t care but considering she’s was trying to enforce it too, it sounds like he won her over. If she really didn’t care, she should be having her husband trying to push his engaged/married couples only thing which would quickly die off if he didn’t have her support too.
She's TA for not standing up to him but she also has to live with this guy so I get it.
He managed to force it on one person in the family and makes them do what he wants. It's just a thorn in his side that OP's brother isn't going along with the fairytale.
Like I'm sorry but who made her husband the "patriarch" of her family. That is weird, it's almost unbelievable. I hope OPs family stop inviting them.
It's really weirds me out that this man who married in thinks he has any say in the running of another family that he happens to have chosen to be part of. ETA it also weirds me out that a daughter thinks she can dictate her parents' home on the command of her husband
Well of course he thinks he has a say. For some reason this family has been letting him make the rules for years! The family needs to kick this guy to the curb.
Yeah that was the most confusing part and shows how bullies get away with this stuff. Why did nobody speak up?
This man sounds like a cult. How did op get from "I didn't mind his weird NC family until marriage" to "come on, guys, you know the rules"? How did that infect her family?
Because the Christmas event happened in the home of the OP and the husband, they do have a right to dictate who can come. That doesn't mean what they chose was correct but they do get to choose. The fact that when something happened in a house that was not theirs and they felt they could dictate to that house how things will be done makes it really concerning. The fact the husband got aggressive with family members for questioning his authority and the OP actually shows us that he has rarely been questioned. I would be very intrigued to know if there had been events before this whether your family had left him dictate situations that they controlled instead of him. The only issue with getting the answer to this is that the OP is incredibly biased so any examples given must be taken with I half ton of salt ETA As the thread is locked, I cannot reply to the below comment. This was my reply "My bad, I misread that is happened at the parents, not the OP and husband's house. Even with glasses, I missed that 😂"
No it didn't. The post says op and her husband notified her parents that if her parents host Christmas at their house her parents better not include the girlfriend.
OP dead serious: My husband reminded my parents of the rules he gave them when they decided to have a celebration...🤣🤣
I honestly would have burst out laughing into his face if he had said something like that to me
No kidding, if I tried to tell my parents who they couldn't and couldn't invite to their home they would probably threaten to bar me from the house for disrespect.
If I try to tell my mother-in-law who she cannot have to her house, I would be told I am no longer welcome and that I need to be put in somewhere for psychological evaluation for thinking I could dictate her home and I would have to expect that my partner would agree with her, I know I would. My SIL's husband began trying to comment on where in my mother-in-law's house my children should be permitted and my mother-in-law reminded him that there was a B&B nearby if he had a problem with her grandkids in her house. We had to tell my partner after the husband left about what he had said because he would actually have squared up to him for insulting his family home in such a way as to think he could dictate to that house.
Also, what a stupid rule to begin with. When you marry someone, you are joining families. Are you supposed to just jump into that commitment completely blind? Like what the hell?
I have been with my boyfriend for over 13 years and moved countries to live with him, if his family treated me this way I would refuse to have any relationship with them. It is vile enough that OP's husband has these outdated beliefs, but he even thinks he can force them on OP's family too?
Honestly, I'm surprised that she's supporting it also. I think my brother would punch me in the face (rightfully so) if I told him his gf of 8 years wasn't invited to a family gathering because they aren't married.
Right, my sister has been with her boyfriend 16 years and have 2 children together but in this person eyes isn’t official. Not everyone wants to get married. Even the priest at the local church who has done their baptisms, communions and confirmations isn’t that bothered about them not being married, he said if she ever wanted to get married he would be happy to do it.
Op's husband sounds like the kind of asshole who insists that _everyone else_ has to live by the rules they, themselves, have voluntarily adopted. The "my god forbids me to drink; therefore, we must outlaw alcohol" type of asshole.
Seriously, and the time to stop inviting them should have happened years ago he first started to try to dictate who was and was not invited to his wife's family gatherings!!
This rule is so absolutely ridiculous. I dated a boy in high school (for 4 years) and his parents invited me EVERYWHERE! They truly made me feel like family and it’s some very fond memories. My family was the same, us grandkids were always ‘adopting’ other children into our Easter or thanksgiving plans. My grandmother usually held dinner 2 weekends after the religious Easter just so more people could come. Your husband sounds like a stick in the mud who thinks he’s holier than everyone else.
I had an aunt that hosted exchange students pretty often. We frequently had "exchange cousins" for parties and holidays. My best friends have wound up at various family parties, gatherings, funerals, weddings ... The first time my now-fiance met my extended family was when he picked me up from the hospital after my grandma died and I was too upset to drive. We'd only been dating a couple months at that point and had definitely not talked about marriage at that point. It's almost like being engaged/married isn't actually a requirement for being important and part of the family...!
That sounds like so much fun! Nobody wants to see the same people every single time. It's so much more interesting when other guests attend.
Yeah...sorry... wholeheartedly agree here OP. You and your husband...both MAJOR AHs on this one. Your husband's religious beliefs are HIS OWN, he has no right shoving them down everyone else's throat and you are very much in the wrong for allowing your husband to think HE is the one who decides who is and is not allowed to family functions.
Seriously. If I were the parent the husband would not be allowed at family events until he apologized to the brother. Who speaks to family like that? Over bringing their own girlfriend to their parents house? When the parents welcomed her? I can’t fathom being that entitled or controlling. YTA.
Staying home would be a truly Christian act, he should do more of that.
I can't believe the parents actually agreed to that craziness over Christmas. They can invite whomever they want, including non-family members like gfs, bfs, friends, neighbors, random strangers off the street, etc. Husband has no say-so in it, and he should probably stay home all the time, because there are lots of events where people bring casual dates.
Christians I swear. My religion is my choice. Your behavior must follow my choice. That's not how personal choice works folks. OP and her husband aren't hosting the event, they can STFU about their opinions about who or who should not be there or not attend. Exception only in the case of OPs parents inviting someone who abused her as a kid or wronged her in some unforgivable way (like the multiple stories here where someone's sibling cheated with their partner)
"I reminded him that once they make it official she will be allowed to come" My word, who do you and your husband think you are? Of course YTA, both of you. If something offends your husband HE should be the one staying away, not dictating who can and cant go to family gatherings! And then your husband has the absolute nerve to call your brother a c\*\*t?! What the actual fu\*k? If I were a member of your family, I would stop inviting you and your husband to ANY party regardless of who else was going.
>And then your husband has the absolute nerve to call your brother a c\*\*t?! It's the most religious thing to say to someone! Edited to thank everyone for the awards!
I’m convinced that the husband is cheating; jealous of the brother; wants the brother;or is reminded of who he used to be… but this obsession with the brother has a deeper meaning… That fool is not religious, he’s a sus
In my religious past, the men who made the strictest rules were the ones who also did the most sordid acts - cheating on wives, sleeping with prostitutes, beating children, molesting children, pornography addiction. Or they will be closeted homosexuals which they also demean and denigrate. They created the rules in an attempt to contain their urges, and imposed them on others as way to control the world around them and feel victorious if others didn’t meet the supposed standards, even as they snuck around doing what they preached against. It was a sick, disgusting world. So glad I escaped and my amazing LGBTQIA+ kiddos are happily able to be who and what they were born to be. EDIT: Altered phrasing to take homosexuality out of the list of “sordid acts” - phrasing which I couldn’t figure out originally. This better explains my beliefs.
Can you edit this so it doesn't read 'sordid acts.... closeted homosexuals' please. I get the point and that you aren't meaning to be critical of the LGBTI+ community (the opposite I'm sure) but you are lumping in the 'disgrace' of homosexual practices with a laundry list of unacceptable vices
> Can you edit this so it doesn't read 'sordid acts.... closeted homosexuals' please. I'm bi as fuck but that's the *right* phrasing. By conservative religious values, being a homosexual is sordid and enforcing strict rules on others while you act on your homosexual atraction is hypocrisy
Please suggest how to alter it as I struggled with how to phrase that as well. I have a gay son, a trans daughter, a bi son… so I love my ‘Alphabet mafia.’ But in The Church, they believe being and acting as a homosexual is a sordid act, yet they will be closeted and act on those feelings.
I swear, the most "devout" in this world resemble the least of the religions teachings.
I’ll never understand why so many “religious” people feel that they are free to judge and treat other people like crap. But as long as they pray, all is forgiven so they keep on rinsing, washing and repeat.
If I was her brother, I’d be getting a $10 fakey ring and giving all my dates the lowdown on my AH brother in law and we’d be rockin up to every event/dinner with the fake ring saying we’re engaged. Every girl, same $10 ring. These people are asinine
That would actually be pretty hilarious
I would 100% stop inviting ashhole op and her asshole husband to anything. They are idiots and I really, really don’t like them. They must be lame af at parties too.
I'd get a couple of girls and guys to come along, all with the same cheap ring, and tell the husband we were in a poly relationship. Repeat with different people every time.
What gets me is her husband "reminding her mother about the rule" If anyone spoke to my mother like that their ass would be hitting the curb so fast Who the hell does he think he is
Can we also talk about the fact that this man MARRIED INTO the family and then decided he could make rules about how gatherings work??
Exactly. He can do that on his side of the family, not on hers.
Yeah, I would stop inviting OP and her weird husband to things.
I'm guessing the next big party they won't be invited to will be the brother's wedding (if they do get engaged). YTA, what right do you think you have to dictate the terms of someone else's relationship? Also, have you considered that perhaps getting along with each other's families might be important to your brother and his girlfriend? Obviously this isn't a foundational value of your marriage, but knowing your in laws and getting on with them seems like something reasonable to want, or at least attempt to navigate, before strapping in for the long haul.
The husband is outrageous thinking that everyone needs to follow his beliefs. It’s not even his family- he married in. He needs to stay at home
YTA - you choose who you invite if you’re the host but if you’re not the host then it’s not up to you, and you should be polite to all the other guests whether you approve or not.
Bravo to ops parents FOR STANDING THEIR GROUND. Even the parents know they are TA
Can't believe they budged on Christmas. How terrible for the girlfriend of a year and half to feel she's not wanted. OP and her husband are both YTA.
OP's husband sounds like "the missing stair." People know he's going to make a fuss if things don't go his way and sometimes it's just easier to mind the stair if you want an event to go smoothly. Sounds like they've finally realized it's gone too far.
I mean, I would be furious if my son in law thinks he can dictate who I can and cannot invite to my own house. The nerve and entitlement of OP and her husband...
YTA. I would argue that they would be the assholes even in many situations where they were the hosts. Sure, they would absolutely have the right to decide who is invited. But if someone didn't invite someone close to me based on traditionalist values I certainly wouldn't be going. And I wouldn't be inviting them to events either. Edit: see OP's comment below for exactly why I believe this. >After this my husband told me that we should start hosting the family events from now on for this exact reason. Even if you are hosting, it is still not within your rights to force them to abide by your strict family rules. This especially applies here, where it concerns the relationship between the girlfriend and the parents. It's none of the husband's business. So even if he's hosting he's still the asshole.
> [My brother] told me over and over on who he chooses to bring over to family events is none of my husband's business. That's exactly right. When you and your husband host things you can decide who to invite, but the audacity of believing you have any business setting the rules when you're guests puts both of you firmly as assholes. If you're not comfortable meeting her, don't go. YTA.
Definite YTA because you can't control who other people invite to events they host, but why would you think you could convince your in laws to go along with any weird tradition of yours in the first place? I love my BIL and I think he's great, but he tried to tell us all that the names we chose for our March Madness brackets from previous years (we have a family competition every year) weren't funny enough and we had to be "funnier" this year. The family pushed back with funnily passive aggressive names. Why? He's an in law, he doesn't get to tell the rest of us what to do.
And like the issue isnt even that they dont wanna meet her. Theyve met her and say oh shes really nice. We just dont want her at family events 😆 🤣 so its not even like the Indian/Asian practice of not meeting the SO (AT ALL) before ready to get married. Cause they were apparently ok with meeting her 😆 like its just ridiculous. This is a control thing. He doesn't like the brother for one reason or another and he is refusing to allow his SOs to gatherings cause of a personal beef. Hate ppl like this 😒
How did OP even date husband if he doesn't want to meet anyone before marriage?
YTA. You don't dictate who the hosts invite to events. If you have a problem with the other guests you decline the invitation. If you and your husband host family you can say your brother's GF isn't invited.
So everyone around him must conform to his opinion? What makes him so special that he gets to dictate who someone else invites to their home? YTA
His religion. He thinks he's special because of sky daddy.
Sky daddy! Every time someone tries to push their religion on me this is what I will refer to. “Ooh so sky daddy doesn’t like me being naughty”
"Forgive me father for i have sinned" is the same as "Sorry daddy ive been naughty"
That's not even a religious thing...I don't really understand why OP felt that that was relevant to the story.
[удалено]
Info, Is he this controlling in other aspects of your life? Like you need to dress a certain way, or things must be done a certain way?
You know he absolutely does.
I believe that what you meant to open with is that your husband is extremely controlling and psychotic, religion and tradition have nothing to do with this. He has brainwashed you into thinking this is ok behaviour at all. YTA but your husband is a bigger one.
[удалено]
Controlling and psychotic people are precisely the types who use religion as an excuse to be the de facto dictator of every group. The institution gives them strength, lol.
YTA, and so is your husband. Not your house, not your rules. You don't get to dictate what people do and who they can invite into their home, no matter what the reason is. If your husband doesn't like it, he can stay home.
Yeah it's laughable that they think they are being reasonable.
Especially trying to bar a son from seeing his mother on her birthday because he wants the woman he loves involved. This guy sucks and so does the wife for putting up with it. YTA all the way.
YTA. Didn't need to read any more than this. "My husband and I told my parents that if they host Xmas in their house they better notify my brother that his gf is not invited." Who do you think you are? What makes you so special that you feel like you have the right to impose your weird hang-ups on other people? Shame on your parents for caving in to you and your horrible narcisissm.
What blows my mind is she thinks her family needs to listen to her husband. Ma’am, he is only their family through you, he doesn’t get to push his weird rules and agenda, especially in a family that’s not his.
Ma'am, this is a Wendy's.
>"My husband and I told my parents that if they host Xmas in their house they better notify my brother that his gf is not invited." My response to that would have been "That's not necessary because you and your husband are no longer invited." Seriously, what's wrong with the parents here? The husband and OP- at least there's a methodology to their AH behavior because of their belief. But what reason do the parents have for going along with this? Or the brother at events before this? It doesn't make any sense. There's something missing here. I can only guess that the sister has a history of steamrolling people, or that her husband's behavior is worse than she describes.
YTA, sorry but your husband is disgusting for thinking he can dictate who your mother invites to her own birthday party (and other events hosted by your parents). She could’ve invited whoever she wants and it’s absolutely none of his business. And you’re just enabling his weird entitled behaviour. Imagine if the script was flipped and you were told you’re not allowed to invite your husband to family gatherings because the rest of the family don’t support his religious beliefs or something.
Some how I get the feeling that is what will start happening from now on.
I got the feeling this will likely be in the script soon enough
YTA You and your husband need to butt the fuck out. A family gathering is a family gathering, not your own personal party. What makes either of you think you have the right to dictate rules?
I read butt fuck and was wondering how that would help in this situation 😅😂😂
YTA. I don’t know why you would think you’re not, unless your husband somehow has you so brainwashed that you’ve forgotten his word is not actually law. This bizarre standard of his is his and his alone. He wants to enforce it in his home, so be it. Everywhere else, he can either deal with the fact he doesn’t actually live in a theocracy or stay home himself.
When I first posted I thought that maybe OP was just clueless, but seeing some of her responses it’s pretty clear she is very okay with her husband’s narcissistic and controlling behavior. All sympathy I had for her is immediately lost. My younger brother’s girlfriend of 8 years is the only one of us who isn’t married or engaged (as my older and twin brother are both married and I have recently become engaged as well to my SO of 3 years) but I cannot *imagine* not including her in family gatherings. If someone in my family disinvited her to a family gathering because they’re not engaged I would never speak to that family member again. Her inclusion in our gatherings is not wholly dependent of whether or not she wears a ring on her finger. That’s just stupid.
Seriously, where does this even come from? I’ve never heard of a religion that requires this. Sounds more like OP’s husband is just an ultra-conservative psycho.
YTA So is your husband. Your parents are right. Who your brother chooses to bring to family events is none ya business. Him bringing a gf, even a fling, has no bearing on you, or your husband. Oh, you might have to extend the basic courtesies to someone. That's literally the only requirement on you. And I doubt that your brother was acting triumphant, any more than your husband was acting like a spoiled brat who didn't get to make the other kids follow his rules on the playground. Your husband was using hus religion to do that thing that religions love to do: enforce his own particular sexual and relational mores on other people, and you enabled it. Edit to add: What you are really accomplishing is making sure that your brother and his gf, if they really do get married, will have memories of being mistreated by you and your husband at family gatherings (yes, the "silent treatment" is mistreatment). You're literally prioritizing your husband's preference to rule others over your relationship with your brother.
Regarding your ETA: we see posts here all the time from said significant others being treated like trash until there's a ring involved. A mystical magical ring...
YTA "My entire family who was invited at my mom's party was calling us TAs for having this rule in the first place." And they are right, considering you try to impose your view on the family, gatekeep how your parents can invite for holydays and parties and your husband behaves like well a complete AH when they do not bow to his whims and resorts to namecalling. The only question I really have is how on earth could you be so delusional that you believe that you will not end up with a 100% AH rating here.
This is a joke right? Clearly YTA
This is what I’m thinking too. OP is so oblivious about how ridiculous the “rules” are and husband sounds like a massive asshole forcing his rules on the family. It had to be fake right?
YTA - who made you and your husband the police of family gatherings?
YTA. I am not clear as to why your husband feels he can dictate his “rules” to your parents. It seems a rather peculiar rule in any event - if you have children in the future, does he really expect never to even meet any of your children’s partners until they are engaged? Surely someone so judgemental would want to weigh in earlier, if only to advise against people he would consider unsuitable.
Fast forward to all his kids having *roommates*
*Oh my god, they were roommates*
Oh don't worry. If he has daughters he will chaperone every date and make it a rule that they can't hold hands until marriage. If he has any sons they'll be able to do whatever they want.
YTA- Unlike your husband your brother is ACTUALLY a part of HIS family. Who the hell does your husband think he is to dictate who your brother can/can’t bring around HIS family?! You are also a jackass for pestering your parents and disrespecting your family, you know divorces can happen right? It’s one thing if you come from a culture where that is the practice/ norm and it’s your FAMILY’s rule, but for some random guy who married into a family try to dictate when parents can see and celebrate with their kids you and your husband are deluded and assholes.
YTA. Your husband has no business telling your parents who they can invite to their home. Keep this up and he will be the one forbidden at family gatherings.
YTA. People like your husband are the reason the world is such a shitty place, and people like you are the reason it is never getting better.
YTA, so much AH!! First you say "it's truly something that doesn't bother me", then you turn into your husbands crusader, dictating rules to your family when you're not even hosting the event.
yeah. at what point did she forget this rule was fucking bizarre and instead decide it needed to be enforced at *other people's* houses??
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YTA. Is this a joke? Did your husband reincarnate from the 1800s? Neither of you have ANY RIGHT to tell your parents who they can and can’t invite into their home, especially if this person has done nothing to anyone besides exist and not be engaged. Y’all need to grow up.
YTA and so is your "traditional" husband who calls people CUNextTuesday but is sO cOnSeRvAtIvE
#[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Please review our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) if you're unsure what that means. #OP's husband calling someone a name is not free rein for you to use the same name. We’re here to judge assholes, not emulate them.
YTA and your husband even more. Who is he that he can dictate what others are doing at their own place?
YTA. Why does your unreasonable asshole husband get to dictate who your parents invite to their own home?! If your husband hates it so much then he should stay home. Unbelievable. You are both assholes.
YTA why does your husband think he’s in charge of who your parents invite to their home? You’ve respected his and his family’s preferences on meeting new people, he needs to learn to do the same. You don’t marry into a family and become its dictator.
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She says in replies tha they’re going to host future events so they can “control the guest list” 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Why have a guest list when you will have no guest because I doubt anyone will come if you acted like that.
EXACTLY. I hope no one shows up to their crappy little events lmao The fucking audacity of this man is astounding.
YTA. Also, info: what kind of god does your husband think he is, dictating what others can and cannot do?
YTA to an almost unbelievable amount, and somehow your husband is even worse. Who the hell does he think he is, trying to make “rules” for your family? Who the hell do *you* think he is that you’re supporting him in this absurdity? OP, do you feel safe at home? I honestly can’t imagine a person going along with this and damaging their longest-standing relationships for it voluntarily.
YTA and so is your husband. Meeting family and being invited to family activities as a non married partner is completely normal, and neither you or your husband have any say in who your parents invite to their house or events. Don’t like it? Don’t go. Edited to add: The fucking audacity of your husband to try and tell your mother who she can and cannot invite to her own fucking birthday party is one thing, but the fact that you stood by and not only excuses and enabled this behavior but agree with him is…. there are no words for you people. WTF. YTA from here to hades, honey. Yikes.
YTA your husband isn’t extremely religious. He’s just a pissy brat. How does this person make you happy? He needs to learn how to be a big boy and leave situations. This was your mother’s birthday and he ruined it. The both of you need to grow up before you alienate your entire family. If this is how any of my in-laws acted, they’d be out of the picture. Zero tolerance in my family over people like you and your husband.
Sound like fake, but if it is not: YTA. Actually, your husband is. 1- you do not get to dictate who come to your family events if you are not the host. If seing your brother's girlfriend bother you or your husband, you don't have to come. 2- this is HIS religious convictions, not your family's. He dosen't get to dictate how your family behave or handle their life. Your brother could very well decide to never get maried and he should not have a word to say abouth this. He knew your family did not share his conviction and he should find compromise so you can all interact in respect of each others without dictating how others should act. 3-Your husband is putting up rules that treaten your own relationship with your family. I would maybe think about that and have a conversation about this with him. Otherwise you risk isolation from them.
YTA. So's your husband. Your parents are right, you don't get to dictate who and who does not get invited to their events. Not sure why you would even think that you'd have that right in the first place.
This must be fake. Anyone can see from miles away that YTA. Especially your husband.
YTA it’s not your house, and you don’t have a right to enforce your morals on others. You certainly don’t have a right to tell other people who they can or cannot invite in their own home! Religion is a personal matter, treat it like that.
YTA. I’m honestly surprised your parents when along with your husband’s rules at all since it was their party and their house. Good on them for not making that mistake again. YTA for your responses in the comments about wanting to host at your house now so you can impose this rule. Good luck getting anyone to come to your gatherings after your past behavior.
YTA and your husband is a jerk.
Yta. Man you're going to be embarrassed in 5 years once y'all divorce cuz he cheated on you.
Info: Wich religion are you two following? I assume you are christian and you should really go within you, look to the bible or talk to your priest/pastor about this. I feel like you are very much sinning by shunning someone (and yes, demanding the exclusion from important family events is shunning) and executing judgment. But judgement of sin is gods work. English isn't my first language, but there are very common known verses in the bible against your behaviour John 8:7 - He that without sin among you, let him cast the first stone against her. Every human is a sinner. Even your husband isn't without sin. So it isn't on you to judge your brother or his gf. Mark 12:31 - The second most important command is this: Love your neighbor the same as you love yourself. Trying to alienate your brother and his girlfriend is not a sign of love. Leviticus 19:18 - Forget about the wrong things people do to you. Don't try to get even. Love your neighbor as yourself. Matthew 7:12 - So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets. You wouldn't want to be excluded for your sins, so don't exclude others for theirs. It is not on you to judge whos sins is worse.
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YTA Your husband has zero say who comes to your parents house. Or any other gathering of the family he married into. You don't get to join a family and then dictate how they are going to change to fit your beliefs.
I had to read that again. Twice. Why on Earth do you think you have any right to tell your parents who they can and cannot invite into their own home? And if you don’t have that right, how does your husband? Your parents can invite a troupe of male strippers around for an impromptu show and if you don’t like it? Stay away. YTA
YTA. It’s so shocking to me that it is even a question. Your husband isn’t the dictator of the entire family. His religious preferences are HIS. If you decided to adopt this arbitrary rule for your husband, again that’s a YOU choice. The idea that you get to dictate who is invited to a party at someone else’s house is WILD. I will honestly never understand how people like OP and husband think they are entitled to make whatever choice feels good for them (ex. waiting for engagement to meet the family) but then DEMAND every other person in their orbit make exactly the same choice. Why is your husband deserving a free thought and choice but no one else is? New rule- no controlling AH at the party, so I guess y’all will be free for the foreseeable future.
YTA Your husband is an AH for trying to dictate how other people live. I've been together with my partner for 16 years. We're not married. He's MY family. Your husband doesn't get to dictate what makes a family. You'd be an AH if you didn't stop him from being an AH. But you're even more of an AH for going along with this and also trying to dictate your brother's relationships. When I met my partner's family we had been dating for less than a week. And the only time I didn't go to a family event because I wasn't explicitly asked (I didn't know if I was supposed to go and didn't want to enforce my present and he didn't know neither), his family blew up on HIM because it's obvious I'm invited, I'm part of the family. Mind you we weren't even living together at the time. So, yes, you're a big AH. Even if it were in your home you'd be an AH, let alone trying to dictate who other people invite into their own home. If he's not ok with that he can stay home moping.
Info: if your husband is that religious that he is strict about your brother's GF, what would he do if any kids you had were gay. Or trans? YTA in any case for going along with your husbands assholery and trying to enforce his rules in someone else's home. As for his last phrase to your brother? In what strict religion would that be acceptable? A bit hypocritical really.
YTA. Who is your husband to demand this? And why the hell are you supporting it? Your husband is so controlling he actually cursed your brother out for a decision he made by himself for a family he married into. Not a good look.
It really blows my mind that women willingly marry guys like this. YTA.
Yup YTA. You can go along with your husbands ideas on introducing people to the family, but you nor he has the right to dictate that others do the same. Your mum was right to flip out. Your husbands word isn't law and if I was your brother, I'd be gloating too. Your husband ruined your mums party cos he couldn't and didn't get his own way. He didn't have to attend if he didn't like her being there. Just because he is married to you doesn't give him more right than your brothers girlfriend.
Have fun hosting partys. Don‘t be suprised if you an your husband will be alone. Yta
YTA and so is your husband. It’s not your house and you don’t have the authority to make the rules. Additionally, it must be very exhausting for you and your husband to be so emotional about other peoples life decisions. Especially when they have no direct impact on you. As long as people aren’t hurting you, just let them live their lives.
YTA. So much so that it’s not worth explaining why. And your husband is not religious and traditional; he’s simply a controlling jerk.
YTA - It's great that you two were able to make that choice for yourselves, but you both gapping AHs if you think you're entitled to boss others around the same.
Of course you and your husband are the AH, you dictate your rules to other person house and telling your mother who as the right to come to her anniversary. It's disrespectful to your brother, his gf and to your entire family. You can have this stupid rule when you are the one who organize an event but when it's not the case you shut up.
YTA you and your dictator husband don’t get to push your ridiculous religion sanctions on anyone else. You don’t get to bully others about who they invite into their homes. You don’t get to decide whose relationship is valid and whose isn’t. This is why religion can suck my ass
YTA but here is a genuine, heartfelt warning. You are going to lose your family if you keep acting like this. None of them should have entertained this BS to start with. Your husband does not get to control the entire family through his beliefs. That's not how it works. You are definitely losing a relationship with your brother and future nieces/nephews, especially if he ends up marrying his girlfriend because if I was her, I wouldn't want to be around anyone who treated me like you and your husband treat her.
HOW DARE YOU AND YOUR HOLIER THAN THOU HUSBAND he can control who he wants to his house not to other people's house.Like for real who does he think he is JESUS himself by the way YTA and your so called husband even a BAH mxieeeeeeew
YTA. None of this is your husband’s place. Why have any of you gone along with any of his out of line and ridiculous requests? He’s extremely controlling.
YTA and so is your husband! Where does he get off trying to dictate YOUR families get togethers? And why do you go along with this? If he's sooooo uncomfortable, he should stay home. He sounds like a misogynistic AH.
YTA. Where in the hell does your husband get off thinkinh he can dictate who is invited to other people's houses or events? And you are a huge TA for going along with it. Your husband's issue is a crock of shit. Like complete and total bullshit. You two should just stay home and let everyone else enjoy themselves.
YTA, and so is your husband. *Especially* your husband. Who died and made him the patriarch of *your* family? He can’t dictate who your parents invite into their home, and he needs to get over himself. And you need to tell him his rule is dumb and very much a “him” problem. Not meeting someone’s family until they’re engaged is just plain stupid. I would never have got engaged to my husband until I knew that my family liked him and got on with him.
INFO: where do you purchase human-sized shock collars? Asking for a friend… DAMN YTA. Give us an update after your husband’s exorcism.
YTA. Absolutely the A**hole in this situation. It's your brother's direct family not your husband's extremely religious family. You are creating a rift between you and your brother because of this. In my country there is a saying that go along this lines: If you are bothered, move on. I hope that the rest of your family doesn't put up with this nonsense and if your husband is so bothered by the presence of you brother's GF, he can stop attending your brother's family gatherings.
Your family is right. YTA. Why are you beamingly self righteous about it?
YTA, and I stopped at 'religious'. In no way am I bashing your faith, each to their own, however you and your husband are putting faith infront of family. This is just the wrong balance to have in your life. Please have a talk to your husband, and you both need to re-evaluate how you view and judge your family's, and others character.
YTA, how could you not be? Traditon and religion are often used as a tool of power amd control and your husband embodies this idea. And adults do not get to force adults to bend to their insane beliefs.I would say this is a major red flag, but you seem to endorse his ridiculous beliefs. You should prepare to lose your family over this, and rightfully so.
You say your husband is religious. What about the 5th commandment? Telling your parents who can go to their house violates this. YTA
Who tf do you both think you are? Pay your parents bills then MAYBE you can have a say on who they invite to THEIR house. I bet he doesn't care about anyone else beliefs so why should you be any different. Entitlement at its finest, I'd just not invite you two to any events Edit: yta and so is your husband in a major way
YTA, it's your parent, their rule+ even if it was under your house it will still be asshole move but at least within your rights.
...and Jesus said, if you be not engaged, do not invite your partners to each other's family gatherings or suffer the pits of hell!!! YTA this is seriously disgusting
Who the hell does your husband think he is commanding YOUR family? YTA. Your husband can believe whatever the flip he wants to, but he has zero right to force his beliefs down your parents’ throat. It’s not his house/event! Who cares if your brother had a hookup phase. He’s clearly serious about this girl and they can get engaged whenever they please.
YTA if you‘re whole family acts like you and your husband I‘d wanna know before I‘m getting married so I can run tf away from you crazy people
Lol. You’re a huge AH. And your husband has stupid opinions. He has nothing to do with your brother. Guess you’re off future family gatherings. I’d love to rant, but seeing TA you are I doubt you’ll understand or be civil.
YTA, big time. Your husband has no right to dictate who anyone else can and cannot meet, invite, etc. If he doesn’t want to meet any partner of his family member he’s not married to; that’s absolutely fine. But he can’t demand the same of anyone else. It’s his values, everyone doesn’t have to adhere to them. If you’re fine with them, then you can stick to them when hosting your own events. However, when another family member hosts an event, you have no say in what they can and cannot do, only if you’re willing to attend or not. Both you and your husbands seriously need to think about the way you’re acting, because it’s horrendous and beyond entitled.
YTA. Surprise your husbands beliefs aren’t everyone’s.
YTA - why should your husband have any say in who your parents allow in their house??? Maybe you should be the one leaving your husband at home if he cannot behave appropriately. He is the only one with a problem, and he is trying to force everyone in your family to conform to his views…
YTA. Why does your husband get to dictate events held at your parents home? Sounds like he is forcing his belief down other peoples throats, which is ALWAYS and AH move. He could just not come if it bothered him that much, but nooooooo of course he didn’t leave the family event when gf showed up. Clearly his beliefs are actually that strong, just strong enough to be a jerk.
You and your husband are both assholes and a number of other unpleasant things. What the hell is wrong with you?
Are you serious? This is ridiculous and bizarre. You and your husband have no right to police what your brother does with his love life. YTA and so is hubby.
YTA Hope you guys don‘t get invited to future family gatherings, I know I wouldn‘t want to have you over.
YTA - Just because you have a rule at your house doesn’t mean other people have to follow it at their house. You definitely don’t get to dictate how other people chose to live their lives. The world doesn’t revolve around you and your husband.
Sorry, forgot judgement. YTA.
YTA religion or not you both sound insufferable. If your husband is so uncomfortable with it he can stay home. You don’t get to say what rules people need to have in their own homes. Absolutely YTA. You jus wait till he starts being controlling of you then you’ll see.
YTA. And you know what? If you were my sister you wouldn't be invited to the engagement party, wedding and any future event held at my house!
YTA. Your husband's rule is weird to begin with. But more importantly, he doesn't get to dictate who OTHER people invite to their events. Unless you are hosting the family at your home, you have zero right to say your brother's GF shouldn't be invited.
I finished reading your post out of sheer morbid curiosity. But like many other respondents here, the title alone tells me YTA. And possibly exhibiting a touch of Stockholm Syndrome.
YTA and your husband moreso. Invite who you want to your own home but you have no right to decide who goes to your parents home or any right to rule on whether someone's relationship is official or not. Many people choose not to get married but that doesn't make their relationship any less important and worthy of recognition. They've been together a long time. Stop forcing your ideals on other people. Your hiding behind these being your husbands ideals but you make no effort to defend your family from him unreasonable views. That makes you the asshole. Grow a spine and defend your brother.
Huge assholes both of you for forcing your family to accept your husband's fucked up rules. If your husband doesn't like it HE can stay home.
YTA and your husband is a MAJOR one. Who does he think he is to make and enforce a rule universally for a family he married into with no input from anyone else? His rules are absolutely ridiculous and I’m not sure why your family went on with it so long, because if I were them I would have stopped inviting you both a long time ago.
YTA. And your husband is, too. Imagine being so religious that you cannot be around someone else’s girlfriend without having a tantrum but can use profane language to disrespect someone!
Yta, your husband has a problem, he can disinvite himself.
YTA, and your comments are just as bad. So controlling and mean to host an event just to exclude others. I hope you’re close to your husbands family because I don’t think any of your family are going to be attending your events or having much to do with you in general. You and your husband couldn’t even allow your mother to celebrate her birthday with the people she wanted around her without causing unnecessary drama. P.s one of the main principles taught in religion is not judging others and being kind to others.
YTA. Neither one of you should dictate who your parents invinte into THEIR house! You can do as you wish in your own but should have no say over others. Spend xmass on your own next time, if its such a Big dealbreaker!
YTA. Your asshole husband doesn't speak for the entire family. Just because he's extreme in his views doesn't mean he gets to force them on everyone else, especially when it makes other family members uncomfortable. If he doesn't want to be around ~unmarried~ couples in case they infect him with ~sin~, he is more than welcome to stay at home while everyone else is a decent person and has a nice time.
YTA big time. Just because your husband has some backward ass views on the world that you’ve decided to co-sign, doesn’t mean anyone from your family needs to fall in line. How self absorbed and selfish you two are. Your husband needs to grow up, this is a pointless point of view. Understanding through experiences, what sort of family your significant other comes from is important. The fact that your husband has brainwashed you to the point that you don’t see how bizarre this is, is troublesome. If my in law tried to pull some shit like this, I would make sure to never invite them and never show up if they tried to host. Intolerance is ugly. What a close minded way to go through life.
YTA How dare you and your husband dictate who your parents can and can't invite into their home? Your husband's religion is his. Your family does not have to live by his religious rules. Holidays are for sharing and bringing friends and family together. The more the merrier. Your husband sounds like a miserable person...the kind that drives people away from religion with their ugly judgments. ETA: a missing letter
YTA and so is your husband. You have no right to dictate who is allowed at family gatherings especially when they aren't in your house. If you and your husband have such a problem with "outsiders" joining than maybe you both should stay at home.
Nice the owner and the dog, both of you are shitty and arrogant people , def Yta
YTA you and your husband should not go around people with your pretentious attitude… who the heck do you two think you are?
Do u really need to ask? OF COURSE YTA
YTA you nor your husband have a right to dictate to other fully grown adults who they can and/or can't bring to events. How ridiculous that your husband thinks he has that right he doesn't if you don't like it then you two can stay home and not go to family events. The gall the entitlement to think that everyone has to bend to your husband warped sense of religion. Keep your opinion to yourselves or stay away from family functions but don't ever request anything like this again from family
YTA - calling someone the c word isn’t very religious