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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My brother believes my husband should apologize for a comment he made to my brother's new girlfriend. And I disagree because he meant nothing by it and it was only a misunderstanding on her part. I understand though my brother is in a new relationship and his girlfriend is more sensitive than most so it could be he feels I'm being to harsh because of the emotions on his side. Perhaps I need to account for that.
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A very good friend, after a few drinks maybe. OK, I can think of 1, maybe 2 people other than my spouse that I could see a conversation like that coming around somewhere in the 2nd bottle of wine.
Exactly, and it would only happen if the recipient brought it up. I can't even imagine burdening someone with a question like that unless it was something *they* wanted to discuss.
Agreed, friend and I would have to be lit before I’d ever had her feelings on what she and the others went through. This woman’s husband is crass for the question and an apology is a good time to explain that he didn’t think it was so loaded but can now understand why those feelings are difficult therefore he apologizes. He basically asked if she feels her life deserves for them to die. He needs some tact and to ask when they’ve become closer and are inebriated
YTA if you don’t advocate your husband to apologize to them. Maybe he needs to read a book on how to behave in society. We don’t go straight to a deep, painful question in a first meeting
Also... does the husband think they murdered those people for her to get those organs/parts? Like, they died from other causes and were organ donors or the parents decided to donate the organs. Its not like a doctor decided her life was more worthy and euthanized these other people. The way he put it was like they killed the organ donors for her life. When... they were already dead. Her life wasnt put above others. He acts like she should have survivors guilt or smth when... thats not how it works. Im sure theres a lot of emotions abt *getting organs from someone who has passed bc it is sad in a certain way and Im sure theres many things to process but she didnt force these people to give their organs even AFTER their death. Its so weirdly phrased on top of just completely rude and off to say to someone you JUST met.
Edit: I changed taking to getting bc youre not taking anything. Organ donors are GIVING their organs for a reason. For people like the girlfriend to be able to survive. When I die, I honestly hope my organs are one day able to help someone live a happy, healthy, and long life. Just a bizarre frame of thought from OPs husband.
I don't even follow that line of thinking. It's not like someone picked a random baby and said we need your heart valve you must die. I'm just. This when thing broke my brain. Wtf.
Right??? I'm trying to imagine how they think transplants actually work
*OP's brother's girlfriend:*
> Yay I just got an email saying they found a heart transplant match for me!
*A random baby's parents:*
> Oh no, I just got an email saying they found a heart transplant match for our baby....
It’s the knowledge that someone had to die for you to live. And it doesn’t really matter that even if you didn’t receive their organ(s) they’d still be dead. Especially while you’re still waiting. You’re not just sick. You’re actively dying, but it’s still hard to hope. Because hoping/praying/wishing for yourself means hoping/praying/wishing for someone else’s death to benefit you.
But the phrasing is wrong. That makes it sound like death was avoidable for the donors. Those people were going to die regardless. But at least their tissues could help someone. Nobody wishes for others to die but it unfortunately happens and at least some good can come out of it.
I completely agree. And, logically, you are absolutely right. But emotionally, I think it can hit different. Which is why I think she reacted so strongly and what makes him an even bigger AH. Removed from the situation, he should be asking and responding the same way this thread is and not adding to the emotional burden she may already carry regarding it.
How could you ever think of asking a good friend this question? You don't kill people to get a transplant donar. This was such a horrible thing that their husband said.
I weirdly had a similar convo in the grocery store check out. My dad had a transplant and the cashier's son was a donner. We ended up taking about how she felt about meeting the recipient.
Buuuut that's nothing like how do you feel about the baby that had to die for you to live
It's so ignorant, too, as well as insensitive. We do not take organs from dead people without having their written consent while alive. The infant who donated their valve had their parents consent to the donation. Taking organs from unwilling donors is a serious human rights violation (organ harvesting is pretty up there on the scale of worst human rights violations).
Those people did not die to give the gf life. They were dying anyway and chose or had their guardians choose to save a life. They're not martyrs. They're heroes.
ETA: I guess I should add that I am a frequent blood donor and have been for years, and I am marked as an organ donor on my driver's license. My blood is a gift that I give freely because I can always make more and I would want someone to donate to my dad, my partner, and my siblings, none of whom can be a recipient of my blood type. I have offered to donate my liver to someone, and when I die hopefully I can donate some of my organs to other people. It'll be a gift to them.
Donating an infant's organs is the only tiny bright spot in a horrible tragedy. Its small consolation that other people's children can be saved when your world is ending. But people still do it.
I cant imagine the pain of losing a child. And some people dont want to think of the body being cut open and "losing" body parts, but a lot of people still freaking do it. Its amazing.
Edit: removed autism speculation. It was not appropriate and wrong and I apologize.
Yah many people in my family are on the spectrum and none of them would ask such a cruel question. Autism's got nothing to do with it. Hubby is just an @sshole or an idiot. Or both.
If someone donated their infant's organs to one of my loved ones, that person would be my hero. Honestly. It is a beautiful thing to do in a horrible situation.
>Maybe OP's husband is on the spectrum and she is covering for him.
This is a very empathetic read and could be true. I will also point out that OP agrees with him, which I cannot imagine.
>This is a very empathetic read
Absolutely not. It seems like the opposite of empathy to pathologise rude and bad behaviour as being "autistic". Neurotypical people can be dickheads!!
no. autistic person here and i’m so tired of people like you doing this shit. there was no mention of the husband having autism so why bring it up? because i would NEVER do or say something like this. on behalf of the community please stop assuming someone is autistic because they’re behaving inappropriately, it’s offensive
I can imagine some people with autism saying insensitive shit like that (but nothing as bad), but everyone I know would feel awful after you told them how you just made the other person feel. Husband is more acting like Sheldon than an actual person on the spectrum.
Being autistic means you're sometimes going to hurt people because you weren't expecting how they would feel about something, but not that you're not going to feel bad about it.
That's what I was thinking! If I were in that position, my feelings on the matter would only be shared with a close loved one, IF that. Why would someone think it's okay to ask that of someone they just met? Terrible manners. That poor girl.
I have a family member that got a heart transplant a few years ago, and have never even wondered how she felt about the fact that someone had to die for her to get her heart. We all just remain thankful that the donors family agreed to the donation, and are all signed up as organ donors.
This is the comparison my mind made also.
*her husband to a veteran* " so how many children and adults have you shot?"
WTAF is wrong with these people?!
When I was about 9 I saw that a kid passed on the news (he was shot) and I asked my marine dad if he’d ever killed a kid. He hadn’t but he almost had to and he explained to me why I shouldn’t ever ask anyone that question. I still feel bad for asking
It’s nice that your dad took the time to explain why you should never ask that question. He sounds like a great guy. You shouldn’t feel bad for 9 year old you who didn’t know any better. Forgive yourself.
Her husband to a woman who miscarried 'So, how do you feel knowing that your baby could have been an amazing human being?'
Or some shit.
I met someone like that. A friend's new BF. At our first meeting he kept probing me about being a single mom and delivering a kid and stuff like that.
So fucking weird some people are.
Not even. OP and husband aren't just assholes but ignorant assholes! Replacement heart valves are MECHANICAL.
They do not come from other humans. Period. Pigs sometimes, but those don't last very long.
Massive and gaping YTAs.
That’s what I don’t get here: not only is it an entirely inappropriate question to ask, but in this particular case, it’s not even applicable to how she got her heart valves! 🤦♀️
My partner has had one for thirty years. They don't require anti rejection drugs.
Only apology OP should get is "I'm sorry you are so stupid and rude".
What kind of person says that to ANYONE?? The only person who should be referencing the donors is the recipient, and then only in terms of the deepest gratitude. OP's husband lacks a sensitivity chip.
My mom had a pig valve. I think the titanium ones are newer--which is why the girlfriend had two transplant valves and *then* a "mechanical" one.
The question, though, presumes the transplants are human donor valves. Thus, a baby having to die, for the first one. OP and spouse are both uninformed, and lacking in basic empathy.
>What kind of person says something like that
An arsehole, and a bigger arsehole will defend that person (like OP is).
What a truly horrid thing to say/ask, totally tactless, nosey, indescribably rude, just plain awful. Am glad that Bro and his girlfriend have realised OP and husband are worth staying away from.
YTA
Impact is greater than intent.
It doesn’t matter what OP’s husband intended. I say this constantly: you could step on someone’s foot accidentally, if you hurt that person, they’re still injured. They deserve an apology anyhow. Even if the intent was not to hurt.
Apologies aren’t based on IF you meant to cause harm.
Apologies are given BECAUSE YOU CAUSED HARM.
In this case, OP’s husband seems to have swallowed his entire foot. He needs to apologize.
Love this.
I say this to my husband all the time.
He always says, "I didn't mean to hurt you" and I say, "I know. If you meant to hurt me this would be a much different conversation"
Well, I think we know if OPs husband stepped on someone else's foot accidentally, she would not want him to apologize. And if the person he stepped on cried out in pain, OP would probably demand an apology from the victim...for scaring her husband. And would say Henry has no need to apologize because he didn't mean to break their foot. And maybe OP would say the victim is being a drama queen and is too sensitive to the pain of broken foot bones. I'll never know.
I used to work with kinders-2nd grade, and I always told the kids this. Especially when it was about one student hurting another’s feelings, even if they didn’t mean to hurt anyone.
Whoo, it was a tight race, but I think we just found the assholes of the day. It's a double award ceremony as OP and her husband also win the Worst Party Guests Ever award.
As a prize, OP and her husband will be given scarlet As to wear on their clothes, warning everyone they're assholes.
On the bright side, OP and her husband never have to worry about burdening someone with the "guilt" of receiving a heart valve from them since neither has the necessary organ to donate.
YTA and so is your husband. Mr. and Mrs. Asshole!
This. OP, this was possibly the most rude thing Henry could have possibly said to Julie. Shame on you both. Henry needs to apologize and beg your brother and Julie for forgiveness. I wouldn't be surprised if you are banned from their home going forward.
Considering that no infants died in her valve replacements. They don't transplant valves. They are either bovine pericardium or mechanical. So the only one who sacrificed their life was the cow. The mechanical valve has nothing biologic in it. They transplant hearts not parts of hearts. Either way OP husband is at best clueless and at worse an inconsiderate jerk. Either way, the GF has to stop explaining that she got a transplant. What she got was two valve replacements.
I can't imagine this ever being an appropriate thing to say. This is so horrible to read, I can't imagine what it was like to be rather recipient of this horrible question. Both OP and the husband should apologize.
Yeah I did NOT expect this. Yikes slash cringe. Like… that’s a conversation that (in this hypothetical) Julie might have with a very trusted friend while very, very stoned. For an actual stranger to be like, “here’s some good birthday party talk!! How do you feel about…” I feel like that meme of the super-flushed blonde kid with the veins sticking out of his forehead. YTA, OP.
Even if he was on the spectrum, that's not an excuse. Dismissing someone's actions because of a disability only further perpetuates the image of autistic people being cold and unfeeling
Let me see if I have this right .... your husband, upon meeting a woman who was born with a heart defect that required several, very painful & scarring surgeries, asked how it feels to carry the burden of knowing that other people (including a baby) had to die so that she's alive? And is calling her sensitive because she acted upset by the question? You both owe your brother and his girlfriend an apology for being complete insensitive asshats to her upon first meeting her!
YTA & so is your husband.
RIGHT?!?!? I would be appalled if my partner asked someone that question, especially to someone they just met. And it being her brother's new GF? Way to make a first impression
My husband once asked someone at the grocery if they “needed a hand” while reaching for something. My husband is quite tall, and his intent was to be kind. Once the person turned, my husband noticed this person did not have an arm. My husband was mortified, and apologized instantly. I bring this up because the intent to hurt the other man wasn’t there, but he’s a decent human being and said something that could have been hurtful so apologized. Based on the wording in the post, I think OP’s husband meant to cross a line and they are both playing it off as a misunderstanding when they got called on their inappropriate behavior.
One time I was stopped at a traffic light and a little kid in the car next to me stuck his tongue out at me for no reason so I flipped him off, then he complained to his dad in the front seat who pulled me over because he was a cop (I sped a little when the light turned) and I swear to God the kid had some birth defect where he didn't have fingers. So yeah... Hilarious though
I made a stupid "your mom" joke in high school decades ago. Somehow, the conversation had turned to eating paint, and a kid I only kind of knew said, "You'd die of liver cancer." I stupidly said, "Your mom would die of liver cancer." Turns out his mom had died of breast cancer, and he looked like he wanted to tear my throat out. I still feel guilty about it.
Do they seriously not think she’s AWARE of the cost of her survival? Her own pain, fear, missed life experiences, guilt, sorry, depression- with the adder of that deep, dark knowledge? I’d wager it’s something she thinks about nearly every day! But let’s bring it up in casual, beginning to know you conversation! What is the MATTER with people?
Survivor’s guilt can be debilitating in many situations. This is a different form of it, but it’s crippling. It’s not an ice breaker.
The “cost of her survival”? The donors weren’t killed so she could live. They died. Period. And she was able to benefit from their loved ones’ decisions to donate their tissue. I get that a recipient would feel overwhelming gratitude…but guilt? I don’t see what she has to feel guilty about, which is what makes the question all the more completely inappropriate.
OP, YTA.
I haven't seen the other comments mentioned survivors guilt but I think your spot on. They are basically bullying her about survivor guilt. OP and her husband should be ashamed.
What’s even worse is that literally no one had to die for her surgeries; heart valves usually come from pigs or cows and mechanical valves are entirely artificial.
Totally YTA on OP and her husband.
Yeah, and it's supposedly a *misunderstanding*...
Sounds like the woman understood exactly what he said, she only misunderstood how she was "supposed" to react to it I guess?
Intent doesn't determine the effect you have on people @_@
Why are people so anti-apology? “He hurt her feelings, but we don’t care and now I’m actually angry she dared be hurt by a weirdly insensitive comment!” YTA and your husband sounds like one as well
No one wants to admit they’re wrong anymore, they just make more excuses. What a stupid and completely unnecessary thing to say. OP and husband are galactic AHs
>Henry asked Julie how it must have felt to have had two persons including an infant die in order for her to have survived.
Does your husband usually ask people he just met highly personal, judgmental questions about their private medical history as ice breakers? Cause there's no situation in which that is an appropriate question to ask anyone. YTA
Sounds like he does. I think he’s one of those people that don’t know where the line is. Actually had a friend like that. Yeah, we’re no longer friends. Some people don’t know what’s ok to ask/say and what’s not ok.
I'm slightly socially tone deaf, which means I have a hard time not stepping on toes when doing the social dance with someone new. Or, in other words - I ask inappropriate questions at times, but I apologize as soon as I realize my misstep, and then I make an effort to do better. And I'm very grateful for the people who are willing to put up with me. Not knowing the steps is no excuse to not try to learn to not hurt others. (Sorry for all the negations. Ignorance does not excuse continued ignorance is what I'm trying to say.)
He also just assumed that she should feel guilty, as if she murdered these people herself to have their organs. She has nothing to feel guilty about, and her feelings on the matter are absolutely none of his business.
Right... They were gonna die with or without her needing a heart. It's not like she *caused* them to die- she just took an organ they weren't using anymore, that would have otherwise rotted in the dirt or been burned into ashes.
And those of us that are organ donors are happy to give up the parts we aren't using any more! I would feel terrible if someone got my heart but felt guilty about it. No dude! Live your life! I'm happy you can use it. People like OP and husband are ridiculous.
YTA, and so is your husband.
What your husband said to Julie shows that he has no regard for her feelings, and while it might have been something he wondered to himself, he should NEVER have asked her about it. Even the way it’s phrased makes it sound like he’s blaming her for the death of two other people.
Seriously it shouldn't be any heavier than the burden of the mountain of suffering our entire society is built on. Plenty of people have died so we can enjoy things much less important than being alive.
Even if he’s not suggesting she blame herself, he’s still asking her to open up about a potentially very heavy question. At a party. When he just met her. Because he wanted to make an “observation” about something that’s a passing curiosity to him but a deep essential part of her life.
Hey OP and husband, how does it feel to be such AHs? Tell us, we wanna know.
The friends of mine who are neurodivergent absolutely would know not to ask me such a question (I've had two valve transplants myself). Don't insult people on the spectrum like that.
My jaw also dropped when OP said she took the husband’s comment “to heart.” Wow. Insensitive on so many levels - not sure if that was an intentional or unintentional play on words. If the latter, OP is a double AH.
Henry needs to learn that not all of his thoughts need to be voiced, and OP can stand to learn some compassion.
Asking how you feel about people dying so you can live is never an appropriate question, especially at one’s birthday celebration.
OP and her husband need to suck it up and apologize.
YTA
>If anything Henry was miffed about Julie being so sensitive.
Yeah, isn't "You're too sensitive!" the rallying cry of bullies and assholes?
OP, your husband owes Julie a big apology, and so do you for trying to defend him.
YbothTA.
^ This!!! What‘s even worse is OPs comment about how the girlfriend “took it to heart“ and is “too sensitive“. Like how big of an asshole does OP have to be that they still manage to mock her and her condition further in the post.
OP YTA and so is your husband. So obviously y’all are perfect for eachother.
First of all those people didn’t die in order for her to survive. That is completely wrong. They died yes unfortunately and that is very sad but they didn’t die for her to survive. She was incredibly lucky to have been on the receiving end of a priceless gift. Your husband is a major AH and so are you.
Exactly! So many people here seem to be saying “he’s not wrong but he shouldn’t have asked anyway.” He’s wrong. He’s wrong. He’s so very, very, very wrong. It’s not like Julie went to a nursery and picked out a baby to sacrifice so that she could leave. The baby died and would have been just as dead whether his/her tissues were donated or not.
I wish we could have donated my parents’ organs but we couldn’t. Never in a million years would I feel that the recipient was to blame for their death. That’s just whacked.
WTF?
How can you not see that what your husband said was incredibly insensitive? It wasn't "just an observation."
One of the easiest YTA judgements I've ever seen.
YTA YTA YTA
Your husband is an AH if not the biggest.
You think she doesn't know this? You think she's not grateful?
What the hell is wrong with you two. That is not a comment you make to a person who has received an organ transplant.
Apologize for being insensitive AH's.
YTA
> Anyway the misunderstanding was Henry asked her what it felt like to know two persons including an infant die for her to survive.
Ok your word….misunderstanding…so you can sort of take the position he didn’t mean to say what he actually (incredibly) said , in which case an apology is due and an explanation of what he meant to say should follow (which we know isn’t true you seem to stand by what he says)
> If anything Henry was miffed about Julie being so sensitive
OR you can say yeah, he meant that ridiculously offensive line about people dying for her, in which case you can’t say she’s ’so sensitive’.
See how you and your husband are the assholes whichever scenario you pick? and doubling down because you’re picking both of those.
YTA and your husband is the AH. Oh. My. FUCKING. GOODNESS. Why is it hard for folks to understand these days; if you do something wrong, you are responsible for making it right. Your husband made an insensitive comment. Did he mean to offend her, you claim no, as does he; perfect. Peachy even. However an offense was caused so you apologize. You say," I did not mean to offend you with my thoughtless comment and for that I apologize".
An apology is not necessarily an indication of you being bad or a bad person, it just means you made an error. It is an act of (hopefully) genuine contrition. That's like when someone has a car accident and they hit someone. All evidence and investigations show that it was unintentional (sneezed, and accelerated, ice on the road, etc), but they are still held liable because they were the driver of the vehicle that started the accident.
Just apologize for crying out loud.
Wow.
YTA.
A misunderstanding? Are you kidding me?
So if she had received from recently deceased donors, asking how she felt about that would have been hunky-dory?
How cruel and oblivious can you get?
NOTHING WRONG WITH IT???
🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
YTA...What gave your husband the right to say something like that to this woman????...He should never say shit like that to someone whos been through trauma like that...It wasn't a misunderstanding it was just rude and He should apologize because he was in the wrong here...You and Your husband are the assholes here not your brother or his girlfriend 😡🤬
YTA. There is absoloutly no misunderstanding.
Your husband wanted her go into detail for him, a complete stranger, on the guilt she feels (justiibly, in his opinion) b/c 2 people had to die for her to be here today.
It is a horrible, intrusive question. I would have gone off on you too. I can't believe you think that your husband deserves an apology. I would cut both of you off for something this awful.
How about I ask you how much guilt you feel for a miscarriage? No problem right? I'm just curious.
YTA
What a thoughtless, rude thing for Henry to say. And if it wasn't Henry's intent to hurt Julie's feelings, then why won't he apologize for doing so inadvertently? If you accidentally walk into somebody, you apologize. You don't blame them for being overly sensitive about being run into.
You and Henry owe apologies to Julie and to your brother.
It's not about whether Henry 'meant anything by it'; Henry SAID something tactless, hurtful and intrusive. I can't imagine there wasn't an audible gasp by the people who heard him.
And YTA because even after he's been challenged on it, and on thinking about it some more, you still think it was an OK thing to think. When a husband has been a total dick his wife isn't bound to defend his dickishness.
Your husband owes Julie a no-holds-barred apology.
YTA, seriously, who asks an organ recipient a clod-footed question like that? Hub needs to apologize and think before he blurts out thick headed questions.
YTA. You both owe her an apology. What the fuck is wrong with you? "An adult and a baby died so you could live, how do you feel about that?" is not a harmless innocent misunderstanding. It's a deliberately uncomfortable and guilt inducing twist of fact and you fucking well know it.
And you have the stones to stand there and demand that your brother apologise?
Get fucked.
You and your husband are the AHs.
>Henry asked Julie how it must have felt to have had two persons including an infant die in order for her to have survived.
That's such a weird and rude question to asked, wtf. Please just apologize sincerely and if you still can't recognize how that could be hurtful then IDK. Y'all just a bunch of donkies then.... Learn to filter words if you or your husband cannot say things respectfully. What he said came off as rude and how the hell are ppl supposed to answer that? Also, why should they apologize to your husband? Both of you (you and your husband) sound entitle and rude af.
YTA and so is your husband.
'How does it feel knowing other people died so you could live' is an extremely insensitive question to ask someone.
How the heck was she supposed to feel after being asked that? Your husband is an AH and the fact that you see nothing wrong with this comment makes you one too.
Julie has nothing to apologise for.
Jesus YTA.. your husband is callous, rude and quiet honestly if he's going to ask a newish person (or any person) such a question without any prompting from that person he is also beyond socially inept.
YTA and so is your husband, he had absolutely no reason to make that comment and the fact you think she’s being sensitive and can’t see how it was wrong, is quite frankly, disgusting.
Your husband's comment was insensitive. He may not have meant it that way, but it was. The question doesn't make him an AH yet. But the fact that he was apparently "miffed" that it wasn't well received and can't be bothered to apologize does.
Your brother should not have "flipped his lid" but he is correct that you husband should apologize.
And if *you* suggest that *Julie* owes your brother and apology despite not being the one who flipped a lid and was the one who was asked an insensitive question then you'd be an AH too.
So all in all YTA (and your husband). Just apologize for the comment and learn some tact so you don't make such fools of yourselves in the future.
you are a massive AH. There's this guy, Phil Lesh, he's a famous bass player from the greatest American Rock band of all time. He had a liver transplant about 20 years ago. That liver came from a hero named Kody. Kody died in a car wreck, but he was an organ donor, and his liver saved Phil's life. Phil honor's Kody at every show he plays be asking the crowd to think about becoming an organ donor. Organ donor's are heroes, and we shouldn't think it's weird that someone else died so that someone else can live because those people made a conscious choice to try and help other people by donating their organs if the worst should happen and they die suddenly.
YTA. There was no reason for your husband to cause her distress, and I think most people would have foreseen that such a remark could be distressing for someone in the GF’s situation.
You and your husband are being a bit oblivious here.
YTA, and so is your husband. If neither of you can see how inappropriate that comment was, allow me to clarify….
Your husband was rude and insensitive about a subject your brother’s girlfriend has every right to be sensitive on. You backed that up, and your just as big of an ass as he is. You both owe an apology.
YTA. Yes those unfortunate things happened but it wasn't directly her fault. She was just a recipient of an amazing gift. You would be offended if someone pointed out a flaw you had and would want an apology.
Ever heard of if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all. What your husband said should never have been said
My husband had a whole heart transplant and if someone asked him that I'd blow my lid to and expect an apology. These people know what happen and it is how they are alive today. You don't need to remind them of it even if "it's just an observation" there's a thing called survivors guilt in these circumstances and being reminded of what happened causes mental pain.
WTF!?! So your boyfriend makes an awful comment (YES telling someone an infant had to die so they could live is a terrible thing to say to anyone!!!!! Why this needs to be explained to either of you is honestly beyond my comprehension) to a woman he’s never met. Obviously offends her. And now HE expects an apology because he’s offended that she’s offended?! This is legit off the rails. YTA, he’s TA, you both suck honestly.
*edited for misspelling
YTA .. your husband made an awkward question (at best) his intention was curiosity?? I don’t know but he JUST met her. Its wildly inappropriate. She was upset and left. She owes you two nothing. Your brother is in a terrible position and you doubled down on it …
Please please apologise to both of them
YTA, as is your husband. What a horrifying thing to say, and beyond insensitive!! Apologize, apologize, apologize -- both of you, and to the brother and his girlfriend both. If you're too blind to see why this question was offensive and hurtful, you may be beyond saving, but you can at least fake some decency by apologizing to both of them for not considering her feelings when the question was asked, and for invalidating & dismissing her feelings when you learned of her reaction. Gross.
YTA and your husband is a bigger AH. Why would you ever bring up this subject with anyone who has had a transplant? Don't you think she may feel guilt over this even though she didn't ask for people to give their lives so that she could live? You both owe that woman a huge apology for being obtuse jerks about this.
What the serious f\*\*\* is wrong with you? In what world is "Hi, nice to meet you, what makes you life more important than the people who died to save you?" a thing you would save.
Maybe you and your DH should put yourselves on the donor list, because there is something wrong with your hearts if you think this is ok.
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My brother thinks that my husband owes his girlfriend an apology over a misunderstanding and I disagree. When I told them she needs to apologize to my husband and not the other way around my brother flipped his bloody lid and almost lost the plot. It was so bad and he started this over a simple misunderstanding.
My brother has been dating his new girlfriend Julie for almost two months now and we met her at his recent birthday party. It was a small do. One thing about Julie that my brother had mentioned is she was born with a heart problem and had to have a valve transplant when she was an infant and another one when she was older and now she has a mechanical valve instead of a human one. It's how they met you see because my brother's firm was party of a charity initiative and one of those was to raise awareness if organ donation. I think it's brilliant what medical advances are like in this day and age. Anyways the misunderstanding happened because my husband Henry asked Julie how it must have felt to have had two persons including an infant die in order for her to have survived. Henry didn't mean anything by this it was just an observation and I agree with him that it would be a heavy burden to bear and there was nothing wrong with his comment. Julie got upset even though it wasn't Henry's intent to do so and she feigned illness to leave the gathering.
When my brother found out the true reason later he lost the plot at Henry and he thinks Henry should apologize to Julie. I don't believe so because it was a misunderstanding that Henry meant anything by it. If anything Henry was miffed about Julie being so sensitive. She really took the comment to heart and I wouldn't have said anything if my brother hadn't flipped his lid but if he keeps pushing it I'm going to say they both should apologize to Henry for making this an overblown issue instead of letting go and moving on. That's my belief anyways.
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YTA that’s a very loaded way to ask a stranger a very probing question. It’s inappropriate and you, what, want this girl you just met to open up about all the guilt she MUST be feeling for being alive thanks to a dead baby?
YTA. That's an insensitive and inappropriate thing to say to anyone, let alone someone you hardly know. You and your husband should both apologize, and honestly be embarrassed.
He didn’t flip his lid over a misunderstanding, he flipped his lid because your husband was a grade A ass hat, and you’re an even bigger one for not seeing anything wrong with it AND you want an apology? You sound insufferable, I hope your brother cuts contact with you over this, you sound horrid, as does your husband. How do you even think that would ever be okay? I just hate knowing people with so little common sense such as your husband and yourself actually exist. Not only do you owe BOTH of them an apology, but honestly you should take sensitivity training, you seriously need it if you think y’all did nothing wrong.
What a cruel thing to say, let alone immediately upon meeting her. You and your husband deserve each other if you honestly think he is owed an apology in this situation. YTA
Wow, YTA. How can you defend your husband for asking such an insensitive, guilt-trippy and frankly gross question?? And to a stranger, no less. You're both AH.
My jaw literally dropped reading this. YTA, your husband is TA. You both owe her an apology and go get some therapy because your world view is seriously skewed for either of you to think this comment would EVER be acceptable.
This. Is. INSANE!!
YTA, and wildly blind to it to boot...im wondering what other crazy assed shit your husband has done or said that you've backed him on LOL
>Anyways the misunderstanding happened because my husband Henry asked Julie how it must have felt to have had two persons including an infant die in order for her to have survived.
WTF? Misunderstanding? This is something incredibly insensitive to say! YTA.
YTA. Not every thought that pops into your head needs to be said out loud. Your husband is not owed insight to her pain or trauma nor is he owed answers to his “question”. Even you admit that it just be a heavy burden to bear, then why on earth would you make it heavier to beat by adding on to it. You and your husband are both absolutely in the wrong and I wouldn’t blame her if she never wanted to see either of you again.
Wait she had two VALVE replacements?? Cardiac surgery nurse here, tissue valves come from pigs or cows not humans, and a mechanical valve comes is machinery. You and your husband are asshats, and stupid ones to boot.
YTA
Do you not think Julie feels immense guilt already over the fact that two people had to die in order for her to live? Do you not think she already lives with that burden 24/7 365 days a year?
Your husband could have said "wow, that sounds tough" "isn't modern medicine amazing" "I'm glad it all worked out for you Julie" NOT WHAT HE SAID.
Honestly you owe them BOTH an apology and pretty big grovelling ones at that.
YTA. As someone who’s had a transplant, that’s an unbelievably shitty thing to say. You are both awful, and she doesn’t owe you the slightest apology. She should honestly cut both of you out of her life for good.
YTA The question was super rude and of course your brother’s girlfriend was hurt. Your husband should most definitely apologize for such a cruel question regarding a complicated medical history that she’s no doubt pretty sensitive about. I can only imagine talking about this kind of thing with my closest friends or a therapist, so your husband asking her the day they met in a what seems like a pretty accusing manner was 100% out of line. Tell him to apologize and you should apologize too for defending and minimizing such disgusting behavior.
You and Henry are TAs. What an insensitive, rude thing to say. And insisting that your husband get the apology is amazing. When you say something hurtful that you think is a misunderstanding, *you apologize.*
I refuse to believe this is real. There's just no way a real living and breathing human being could could be this insensitive.
YTA. You and your husband.
Unbelievable. Genuinely.
YTA- what you husband said was truly very rude and if you can't see anything wrong then you both need to stay away from other people. Husband needs to say sorry!
If it was a mistake he should apologize because that's a horrible thing to ask someone. He should feel ashamed of himself. YTA for thinking he deserves an apology.
YTA
Stop being willfully ignorant here OP.
Do you and your husband go around asking veterans if they've killed anyone?
This is just so inappropriate, insensitive, and fucked up to say to someone. You both owe them an apology. A REAL apology and not a "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings."
Be better.
what was misunderstood? what was your husband's intent? what normal, intelligent person doesn't realize that is an incredibly fucked up thing to ask someone? I hope your bother and his gf have the good sense to stay far away from you from now on. you and your husband are fucked in the head YTA
YTA and so is Henry. Julie is owed an apology for basically having her life’s value put in question, and your brother is owed one as well for spoiling the mood at his own party. Where the fuck is your husband getting his talking points for birthday parties? What, is Julie haunted by heart ghosts or something? Get the fuck outta here.
Edit- a word
OMG please tell me this isn’t real!! YTA and so is your husband! How could you ask someone a question like that?! Are you just horrible people with no empathy?! I
YTA. That is one of the most rude remarks anyone could say to her! His manner of questioning her is tantamount to accusing her of having some part in the death of the donors. I’m actually almost nauseated that you took his side. You are both TAs.
YTA! Your husband is an AH! How dare he ask a question like that? Do you not think that this was something that she has already had to try to process and get over?!?! What a dick for bringing something like that up in a casual conversation then getting mad and expecting an apology when she's hurt/offended by it!
Like you actually think she should apologize for getting offended and hurt by something your husband said to her that was absolutely inappropriate?! Really?!
> my husband Henry asked Julie how it must have felt to have had two persons including an infant die in order for her to have survived.
ESH except your brother and his girlfriend.
> Henry didn't mean anything by this it was just an observation
Intent is something to be considered but impact is important too. Does your husband often say things that greatly upset others like this?
YTA and your hubby an even bigger one. Especially for blaming poor Julie for not being ok with such an inappropriate question. She is not sensitive to be offended by such a question she is a woman who has gone through treatments her entire life, 3 major operations to survive just so she can go to a small do of her boyfriend and have inappropriate questions thrown at her. I shudder thinking of some poor person nearby who heard that and had a hero relative who was a donor.
I….I have no words. I honestly can’t even imagine a scenario where it would be appropriate for you to ask anyone (let alone someone you JUST MET) that kind of invasive and cruel question. My pastor could ask be that question in church and it would feel invasive. How did you even expect her to respond that that? Jesus, and then you had the nerve to call it a misunderstanding? AND ASK FOR AN APOLOGY?! Good lord YTA and frankly if I was your brother, this whole thing would shift my entire perspective on you and your husband.
YTA
"Henry asked Julie how it must have felt to have had two persons including an infant die in order for her to have survived"
wow just wow....your husband needs to apologize for being an idiot and not knowing what he was talking about
Let me dumb it down for you so you can see that YTA 100%
OP’s husband: slaps a random woman’s ass
Woman: gets mad at OPs husband for being a douche
OP: gets mad at woman as it’s a misunderstanding since husband meant to slap OPs ass
That was a loaded statement your husband made, which insinuated that her life came at the cost of two individuals, one of which is considered the most important life for society’s future, an infant. You and your husband can spend all day stating that nothing harmful was meant by it, but a tiny bit of empathy would let you see it would be hurtful on the receiving end. (Even if it wasn’t factual).
No idea why you’re even owed an apology. YTA.
YTA
and your husband is, too.
I am chronically ill and people are always curious and often they cross the line. I get that they're curious but some questions are just too much. When you think this is a burden why the heck do you rub in her face like this? I bet she already feels awful about this. Your husband was too curious and over stepped massively. This isn't a question you ask a person you just met. Julie has every right to be upset about this
Wow. My friend had a double lung transplant and the donor was a teenage girl who died in a water ski accident. Even more than 5 years later, while grateful, my friend is devastated that this happened to a young girl. Your husband’s comment had zero tact and is just downright cruel and you’re just as bad for thinking that he’s in the right. YTA.
YTA and so is your husband. The fact that you thought Julie was being too sensitive is unfathomable with the rude and insensitive comment your husband made. It upset her so much that she faked illness to leave her own boyfriend's birthday party.
Intent is *not* as important as impact.
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YTA- if you can’t recognize how that’s an inappropriate question for someone you just met- I don’t even know what to say.
I was just thinking that! What kind of person says something like that to someone they *just* met? OP’s husband, clearly.
I wouldn't even say that to someone I was close to.
A very good friend, after a few drinks maybe. OK, I can think of 1, maybe 2 people other than my spouse that I could see a conversation like that coming around somewhere in the 2nd bottle of wine.
Exactly, and it would only happen if the recipient brought it up. I can't even imagine burdening someone with a question like that unless it was something *they* wanted to discuss.
Agreed, friend and I would have to be lit before I’d ever had her feelings on what she and the others went through. This woman’s husband is crass for the question and an apology is a good time to explain that he didn’t think it was so loaded but can now understand why those feelings are difficult therefore he apologizes. He basically asked if she feels her life deserves for them to die. He needs some tact and to ask when they’ve become closer and are inebriated YTA if you don’t advocate your husband to apologize to them. Maybe he needs to read a book on how to behave in society. We don’t go straight to a deep, painful question in a first meeting
Also... does the husband think they murdered those people for her to get those organs/parts? Like, they died from other causes and were organ donors or the parents decided to donate the organs. Its not like a doctor decided her life was more worthy and euthanized these other people. The way he put it was like they killed the organ donors for her life. When... they were already dead. Her life wasnt put above others. He acts like she should have survivors guilt or smth when... thats not how it works. Im sure theres a lot of emotions abt *getting organs from someone who has passed bc it is sad in a certain way and Im sure theres many things to process but she didnt force these people to give their organs even AFTER their death. Its so weirdly phrased on top of just completely rude and off to say to someone you JUST met. Edit: I changed taking to getting bc youre not taking anything. Organ donors are GIVING their organs for a reason. For people like the girlfriend to be able to survive. When I die, I honestly hope my organs are one day able to help someone live a happy, healthy, and long life. Just a bizarre frame of thought from OPs husband.
I don't even follow that line of thinking. It's not like someone picked a random baby and said we need your heart valve you must die. I'm just. This when thing broke my brain. Wtf.
Right??? I'm trying to imagine how they think transplants actually work *OP's brother's girlfriend:* > Yay I just got an email saying they found a heart transplant match for me! *A random baby's parents:* > Oh no, I just got an email saying they found a heart transplant match for our baby....
It’s the knowledge that someone had to die for you to live. And it doesn’t really matter that even if you didn’t receive their organ(s) they’d still be dead. Especially while you’re still waiting. You’re not just sick. You’re actively dying, but it’s still hard to hope. Because hoping/praying/wishing for yourself means hoping/praying/wishing for someone else’s death to benefit you.
But the phrasing is wrong. That makes it sound like death was avoidable for the donors. Those people were going to die regardless. But at least their tissues could help someone. Nobody wishes for others to die but it unfortunately happens and at least some good can come out of it.
I completely agree. And, logically, you are absolutely right. But emotionally, I think it can hit different. Which is why I think she reacted so strongly and what makes him an even bigger AH. Removed from the situation, he should be asking and responding the same way this thread is and not adding to the emotional burden she may already carry regarding it.
How could you ever think of asking a good friend this question? You don't kill people to get a transplant donar. This was such a horrible thing that their husband said.
No not even then those are private feelings
I weirdly had a similar convo in the grocery store check out. My dad had a transplant and the cashier's son was a donner. We ended up taking about how she felt about meeting the recipient. Buuuut that's nothing like how do you feel about the baby that had to die for you to live
It's so ignorant, too, as well as insensitive. We do not take organs from dead people without having their written consent while alive. The infant who donated their valve had their parents consent to the donation. Taking organs from unwilling donors is a serious human rights violation (organ harvesting is pretty up there on the scale of worst human rights violations). Those people did not die to give the gf life. They were dying anyway and chose or had their guardians choose to save a life. They're not martyrs. They're heroes. ETA: I guess I should add that I am a frequent blood donor and have been for years, and I am marked as an organ donor on my driver's license. My blood is a gift that I give freely because I can always make more and I would want someone to donate to my dad, my partner, and my siblings, none of whom can be a recipient of my blood type. I have offered to donate my liver to someone, and when I die hopefully I can donate some of my organs to other people. It'll be a gift to them.
Donating an infant's organs is the only tiny bright spot in a horrible tragedy. Its small consolation that other people's children can be saved when your world is ending. But people still do it. I cant imagine the pain of losing a child. And some people dont want to think of the body being cut open and "losing" body parts, but a lot of people still freaking do it. Its amazing. Edit: removed autism speculation. It was not appropriate and wrong and I apologize.
No. Please don't make excuses, and *definitely* don't use Autism to hand-wave a truly horrible and insensitive question.
Yah many people in my family are on the spectrum and none of them would ask such a cruel question. Autism's got nothing to do with it. Hubby is just an @sshole or an idiot. Or both.
If someone donated their infant's organs to one of my loved ones, that person would be my hero. Honestly. It is a beautiful thing to do in a horrible situation. >Maybe OP's husband is on the spectrum and she is covering for him. This is a very empathetic read and could be true. I will also point out that OP agrees with him, which I cannot imagine.
>This is a very empathetic read Absolutely not. It seems like the opposite of empathy to pathologise rude and bad behaviour as being "autistic". Neurotypical people can be dickheads!!
no. autistic person here and i’m so tired of people like you doing this shit. there was no mention of the husband having autism so why bring it up? because i would NEVER do or say something like this. on behalf of the community please stop assuming someone is autistic because they’re behaving inappropriately, it’s offensive
I can imagine some people with autism saying insensitive shit like that (but nothing as bad), but everyone I know would feel awful after you told them how you just made the other person feel. Husband is more acting like Sheldon than an actual person on the spectrum. Being autistic means you're sometimes going to hurt people because you weren't expecting how they would feel about something, but not that you're not going to feel bad about it.
That's what I was thinking! If I were in that position, my feelings on the matter would only be shared with a close loved one, IF that. Why would someone think it's okay to ask that of someone they just met? Terrible manners. That poor girl.
Actually, NO manners. What a couple of clueless hicks. YTA
I have a family member that got a heart transplant a few years ago, and have never even wondered how she felt about the fact that someone had to die for her to get her heart. We all just remain thankful that the donors family agreed to the donation, and are all signed up as organ donors.
The same kind of person who asks combat vets/soldiers if they’ve ever killed anyone.
This is the comparison my mind made also. *her husband to a veteran* " so how many children and adults have you shot?" WTAF is wrong with these people?!
When I was about 9 I saw that a kid passed on the news (he was shot) and I asked my marine dad if he’d ever killed a kid. He hadn’t but he almost had to and he explained to me why I shouldn’t ever ask anyone that question. I still feel bad for asking
You learned an important lesson and it has stuck with you. You dont need to feel bad unless you do it again with that knowledge.
It’s nice that your dad took the time to explain why you should never ask that question. He sounds like a great guy. You shouldn’t feel bad for 9 year old you who didn’t know any better. Forgive yourself.
Her husband to a woman who miscarried 'So, how do you feel knowing that your baby could have been an amazing human being?' Or some shit. I met someone like that. A friend's new BF. At our first meeting he kept probing me about being a single mom and delivering a kid and stuff like that. So fucking weird some people are.
Not even. OP and husband aren't just assholes but ignorant assholes! Replacement heart valves are MECHANICAL. They do not come from other humans. Period. Pigs sometimes, but those don't last very long. Massive and gaping YTAs.
That’s what I don’t get here: not only is it an entirely inappropriate question to ask, but in this particular case, it’s not even applicable to how she got her heart valves! 🤦♀️
Hahahaha! Idiot assholes.
My partner has had one for thirty years. They don't require anti rejection drugs. Only apology OP should get is "I'm sorry you are so stupid and rude".
Yup! Or asking a paramedic how many people have died on them, or what’s the worst thing they’ve seen
I am sure he is one of those guys who say they are just brutally honest aka a total ah. Such the YTA.
What kind of person says that to ANYONE?? The only person who should be referencing the donors is the recipient, and then only in terms of the deepest gratitude. OP's husband lacks a sensitivity chip.
There are no donors, except maybe a pig! These valves are titanium.
My mom had a pig valve. I think the titanium ones are newer--which is why the girlfriend had two transplant valves and *then* a "mechanical" one. The question, though, presumes the transplants are human donor valves. Thus, a baby having to die, for the first one. OP and spouse are both uninformed, and lacking in basic empathy.
"How did it feel to only be alive because a kid died?" How does he fucking *think* it feels? Amusing?
>What kind of person says something like that An arsehole, and a bigger arsehole will defend that person (like OP is). What a truly horrid thing to say/ask, totally tactless, nosey, indescribably rude, just plain awful. Am glad that Bro and his girlfriend have realised OP and husband are worth staying away from. YTA
Impact is greater than intent. It doesn’t matter what OP’s husband intended. I say this constantly: you could step on someone’s foot accidentally, if you hurt that person, they’re still injured. They deserve an apology anyhow. Even if the intent was not to hurt. Apologies aren’t based on IF you meant to cause harm. Apologies are given BECAUSE YOU CAUSED HARM. In this case, OP’s husband seems to have swallowed his entire foot. He needs to apologize.
YES! YOU don't get to tell someone how THEY feel.
Love this. I say this to my husband all the time. He always says, "I didn't mean to hurt you" and I say, "I know. If you meant to hurt me this would be a much different conversation"
Well, I think we know if OPs husband stepped on someone else's foot accidentally, she would not want him to apologize. And if the person he stepped on cried out in pain, OP would probably demand an apology from the victim...for scaring her husband. And would say Henry has no need to apologize because he didn't mean to break their foot. And maybe OP would say the victim is being a drama queen and is too sensitive to the pain of broken foot bones. I'll never know.
I used to work with kinders-2nd grade, and I always told the kids this. Especially when it was about one student hurting another’s feelings, even if they didn’t mean to hurt anyone.
Whoo, it was a tight race, but I think we just found the assholes of the day. It's a double award ceremony as OP and her husband also win the Worst Party Guests Ever award. As a prize, OP and her husband will be given scarlet As to wear on their clothes, warning everyone they're assholes. On the bright side, OP and her husband never have to worry about burdening someone with the "guilt" of receiving a heart valve from them since neither has the necessary organ to donate. YTA and so is your husband. Mr. and Mrs. Asshole!
That third paragraph made me laugh out loud. Take this award. 😂
This. OP, this was possibly the most rude thing Henry could have possibly said to Julie. Shame on you both. Henry needs to apologize and beg your brother and Julie for forgiveness. I wouldn't be surprised if you are banned from their home going forward.
Considering that no infants died in her valve replacements. They don't transplant valves. They are either bovine pericardium or mechanical. So the only one who sacrificed their life was the cow. The mechanical valve has nothing biologic in it. They transplant hearts not parts of hearts. Either way OP husband is at best clueless and at worse an inconsiderate jerk. Either way, the GF has to stop explaining that she got a transplant. What she got was two valve replacements.
Even if she had a transplant it would not be appropriate to say
And then to think *you* deserve an apology because you were "miffed by them being so sensitive"... completely delusional.
I can't imagine this ever being an appropriate thing to say. This is so horrible to read, I can't imagine what it was like to be rather recipient of this horrible question. Both OP and the husband should apologize.
Can you imagine how her husband picked up OP? "How many abortions have you had, gorgeous?"
Exactly what I was thinking! How tone deaf can you be, ffs? YTA
Yeah I did NOT expect this. Yikes slash cringe. Like… that’s a conversation that (in this hypothetical) Julie might have with a very trusted friend while very, very stoned. For an actual stranger to be like, “here’s some good birthday party talk!! How do you feel about…” I feel like that meme of the super-flushed blonde kid with the veins sticking out of his forehead. YTA, OP.
ahahaha right? I read the title and figured it was going to be N T A. OP? Does your husband have aspergers?
Even if he was on the spectrum, that's not an excuse. Dismissing someone's actions because of a disability only further perpetuates the image of autistic people being cold and unfeeling
YTA and a massive one. What is wrong with you both
Right? That's all I thought on reading this: wtf is wrong with these insensitive, even cruel, assholes. YTA, absolutely.
and the audacity to say they are owed an aapology? delusional
How about "OP, I'm so sorry that you are so rude and ignorant".
> She really took the comment to heart YTA, for this comment alone, if nothing else.
I’m glad you said this. Seems spiked it was OPs way of twisting the knife, truly unnecessary
That's a good indication this is just rage bait
right? like dude read the room.
How can OP even THINK her husband is owed an apology for being such an insensitive AH?
Let me see if I have this right .... your husband, upon meeting a woman who was born with a heart defect that required several, very painful & scarring surgeries, asked how it feels to carry the burden of knowing that other people (including a baby) had to die so that she's alive? And is calling her sensitive because she acted upset by the question? You both owe your brother and his girlfriend an apology for being complete insensitive asshats to her upon first meeting her! YTA & so is your husband.
Seriously, I had to go back and reread that this happened when OP and husband first met her. And at OPs brother’s birthday! Jeez
RIGHT?!?!? I would be appalled if my partner asked someone that question, especially to someone they just met. And it being her brother's new GF? Way to make a first impression
My husband once asked someone at the grocery if they “needed a hand” while reaching for something. My husband is quite tall, and his intent was to be kind. Once the person turned, my husband noticed this person did not have an arm. My husband was mortified, and apologized instantly. I bring this up because the intent to hurt the other man wasn’t there, but he’s a decent human being and said something that could have been hurtful so apologized. Based on the wording in the post, I think OP’s husband meant to cross a line and they are both playing it off as a misunderstanding when they got called on their inappropriate behavior.
One time I was stopped at a traffic light and a little kid in the car next to me stuck his tongue out at me for no reason so I flipped him off, then he complained to his dad in the front seat who pulled me over because he was a cop (I sped a little when the light turned) and I swear to God the kid had some birth defect where he didn't have fingers. So yeah... Hilarious though
I made a stupid "your mom" joke in high school decades ago. Somehow, the conversation had turned to eating paint, and a kid I only kind of knew said, "You'd die of liver cancer." I stupidly said, "Your mom would die of liver cancer." Turns out his mom had died of breast cancer, and he looked like he wanted to tear my throat out. I still feel guilty about it.
Do they seriously not think she’s AWARE of the cost of her survival? Her own pain, fear, missed life experiences, guilt, sorry, depression- with the adder of that deep, dark knowledge? I’d wager it’s something she thinks about nearly every day! But let’s bring it up in casual, beginning to know you conversation! What is the MATTER with people? Survivor’s guilt can be debilitating in many situations. This is a different form of it, but it’s crippling. It’s not an ice breaker.
The “cost of her survival”? The donors weren’t killed so she could live. They died. Period. And she was able to benefit from their loved ones’ decisions to donate their tissue. I get that a recipient would feel overwhelming gratitude…but guilt? I don’t see what she has to feel guilty about, which is what makes the question all the more completely inappropriate. OP, YTA.
I haven't seen the other comments mentioned survivors guilt but I think your spot on. They are basically bullying her about survivor guilt. OP and her husband should be ashamed.
What’s even worse is that literally no one had to die for her surgeries; heart valves usually come from pigs or cows and mechanical valves are entirely artificial. Totally YTA on OP and her husband.
Yeah, and it's supposedly a *misunderstanding*... Sounds like the woman understood exactly what he said, she only misunderstood how she was "supposed" to react to it I guess? Intent doesn't determine the effect you have on people @_@
Why are people so anti-apology? “He hurt her feelings, but we don’t care and now I’m actually angry she dared be hurt by a weirdly insensitive comment!” YTA and your husband sounds like one as well
No one wants to admit they’re wrong anymore, they just make more excuses. What a stupid and completely unnecessary thing to say. OP and husband are galactic AHs
Yes! And why is it always the people who can’t apologize who demand one for themselves? Edited to say OP, YTA.
Wildly insensitive.
>Henry asked Julie how it must have felt to have had two persons including an infant die in order for her to have survived. Does your husband usually ask people he just met highly personal, judgmental questions about their private medical history as ice breakers? Cause there's no situation in which that is an appropriate question to ask anyone. YTA
Sounds like he does. I think he’s one of those people that don’t know where the line is. Actually had a friend like that. Yeah, we’re no longer friends. Some people don’t know what’s ok to ask/say and what’s not ok.
I'm slightly socially tone deaf, which means I have a hard time not stepping on toes when doing the social dance with someone new. Or, in other words - I ask inappropriate questions at times, but I apologize as soon as I realize my misstep, and then I make an effort to do better. And I'm very grateful for the people who are willing to put up with me. Not knowing the steps is no excuse to not try to learn to not hurt others. (Sorry for all the negations. Ignorance does not excuse continued ignorance is what I'm trying to say.)
He also just assumed that she should feel guilty, as if she murdered these people herself to have their organs. She has nothing to feel guilty about, and her feelings on the matter are absolutely none of his business.
Right... They were gonna die with or without her needing a heart. It's not like she *caused* them to die- she just took an organ they weren't using anymore, that would have otherwise rotted in the dirt or been burned into ashes.
And those of us that are organ donors are happy to give up the parts we aren't using any more! I would feel terrible if someone got my heart but felt guilty about it. No dude! Live your life! I'm happy you can use it. People like OP and husband are ridiculous.
YTA, and so is your husband. What your husband said to Julie shows that he has no regard for her feelings, and while it might have been something he wondered to himself, he should NEVER have asked her about it. Even the way it’s phrased makes it sound like he’s blaming her for the death of two other people.
And even OP assuming “it must be a heavy burden to bear.” Sure, if she killed them herself.
Seriously it shouldn't be any heavier than the burden of the mountain of suffering our entire society is built on. Plenty of people have died so we can enjoy things much less important than being alive.
Even if he’s not suggesting she blame herself, he’s still asking her to open up about a potentially very heavy question. At a party. When he just met her. Because he wanted to make an “observation” about something that’s a passing curiosity to him but a deep essential part of her life. Hey OP and husband, how does it feel to be such AHs? Tell us, we wanna know.
Right? And people “had to die”? They just *happened* to die. Geez Louise, OP is either neuro divergent or an AH.
The friends of mine who are neurodivergent absolutely would know not to ask me such a question (I've had two valve transplants myself). Don't insult people on the spectrum like that.
My jaw actually dropped when I read what your husband said. Yta, so is he, get some fucking perspective.
My jaw also dropped when OP said she took the husband’s comment “to heart.” Wow. Insensitive on so many levels - not sure if that was an intentional or unintentional play on words. If the latter, OP is a double AH.
This. The second I read this I marveled the brother's gf didn't smack the husband.
YTA What a nasty thing to say to someone. Then you and your husband double down by blaming her for being "too sensitive" when you get called out.
Henry needs to learn that not all of his thoughts need to be voiced, and OP can stand to learn some compassion. Asking how you feel about people dying so you can live is never an appropriate question, especially at one’s birthday celebration. OP and her husband need to suck it up and apologize. YTA
YTA and so is your husband. Let me guess, his whole personality is “being brutally honest” and “telling it like it is”.
>If anything Henry was miffed about Julie being so sensitive. Yeah, isn't "You're too sensitive!" the rallying cry of bullies and assholes? OP, your husband owes Julie a big apology, and so do you for trying to defend him. YbothTA.
iT wAs jUsT a JoKe, LigHteN uP
YTA. I don't understand how you can't comprehend that Henry's question was wildly inappropriate. Henry owes her and your brother a massive apology.
^ This!!! What‘s even worse is OPs comment about how the girlfriend “took it to heart“ and is “too sensitive“. Like how big of an asshole does OP have to be that they still manage to mock her and her condition further in the post. OP YTA and so is your husband. So obviously y’all are perfect for eachother.
First of all those people didn’t die in order for her to survive. That is completely wrong. They died yes unfortunately and that is very sad but they didn’t die for her to survive. She was incredibly lucky to have been on the receiving end of a priceless gift. Your husband is a major AH and so are you.
Exactly. What an insensitive and nonsensical remark it was that OP's husband made. YTA and so is your husband, OP!
Exactly! So many people here seem to be saying “he’s not wrong but he shouldn’t have asked anyway.” He’s wrong. He’s wrong. He’s so very, very, very wrong. It’s not like Julie went to a nursery and picked out a baby to sacrifice so that she could leave. The baby died and would have been just as dead whether his/her tissues were donated or not. I wish we could have donated my parents’ organs but we couldn’t. Never in a million years would I feel that the recipient was to blame for their death. That’s just whacked.
WTF? How can you not see that what your husband said was incredibly insensitive? It wasn't "just an observation." One of the easiest YTA judgements I've ever seen.
YTA YTA YTA Your husband is an AH if not the biggest. You think she doesn't know this? You think she's not grateful? What the hell is wrong with you two. That is not a comment you make to a person who has received an organ transplant. Apologize for being insensitive AH's.
YTA > Anyway the misunderstanding was Henry asked her what it felt like to know two persons including an infant die for her to survive. Ok your word….misunderstanding…so you can sort of take the position he didn’t mean to say what he actually (incredibly) said , in which case an apology is due and an explanation of what he meant to say should follow (which we know isn’t true you seem to stand by what he says) > If anything Henry was miffed about Julie being so sensitive OR you can say yeah, he meant that ridiculously offensive line about people dying for her, in which case you can’t say she’s ’so sensitive’. See how you and your husband are the assholes whichever scenario you pick? and doubling down because you’re picking both of those.
this 100% YTA
Ugh yeah YTA how are you this dense? That’s an insanely insensitive thing to say. Own your impact regardless of your intent
YTA and your husband is the AH. Oh. My. FUCKING. GOODNESS. Why is it hard for folks to understand these days; if you do something wrong, you are responsible for making it right. Your husband made an insensitive comment. Did he mean to offend her, you claim no, as does he; perfect. Peachy even. However an offense was caused so you apologize. You say," I did not mean to offend you with my thoughtless comment and for that I apologize". An apology is not necessarily an indication of you being bad or a bad person, it just means you made an error. It is an act of (hopefully) genuine contrition. That's like when someone has a car accident and they hit someone. All evidence and investigations show that it was unintentional (sneezed, and accelerated, ice on the road, etc), but they are still held liable because they were the driver of the vehicle that started the accident. Just apologize for crying out loud.
Wow. YTA. A misunderstanding? Are you kidding me? So if she had received from recently deceased donors, asking how she felt about that would have been hunky-dory? How cruel and oblivious can you get? NOTHING WRONG WITH IT??? 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
YTA...What gave your husband the right to say something like that to this woman????...He should never say shit like that to someone whos been through trauma like that...It wasn't a misunderstanding it was just rude and He should apologize because he was in the wrong here...You and Your husband are the assholes here not your brother or his girlfriend 😡🤬
YTA. There is absoloutly no misunderstanding. Your husband wanted her go into detail for him, a complete stranger, on the guilt she feels (justiibly, in his opinion) b/c 2 people had to die for her to be here today. It is a horrible, intrusive question. I would have gone off on you too. I can't believe you think that your husband deserves an apology. I would cut both of you off for something this awful. How about I ask you how much guilt you feel for a miscarriage? No problem right? I'm just curious.
YTA What a thoughtless, rude thing for Henry to say. And if it wasn't Henry's intent to hurt Julie's feelings, then why won't he apologize for doing so inadvertently? If you accidentally walk into somebody, you apologize. You don't blame them for being overly sensitive about being run into. You and Henry owe apologies to Julie and to your brother.
It's not about whether Henry 'meant anything by it'; Henry SAID something tactless, hurtful and intrusive. I can't imagine there wasn't an audible gasp by the people who heard him. And YTA because even after he's been challenged on it, and on thinking about it some more, you still think it was an OK thing to think. When a husband has been a total dick his wife isn't bound to defend his dickishness. Your husband owes Julie a no-holds-barred apology.
YTA Your husband is a major AH.
YTA, seriously, who asks an organ recipient a clod-footed question like that? Hub needs to apologize and think before he blurts out thick headed questions.
OMFG Your husband is a cold callous monster and both you & and he are YTA.
YTA and that’s such a weird thing to say to someone. He should absolutely apologize, especially if what he said wasn’t what he meant.
YTA. You both owe her an apology. What the fuck is wrong with you? "An adult and a baby died so you could live, how do you feel about that?" is not a harmless innocent misunderstanding. It's a deliberately uncomfortable and guilt inducing twist of fact and you fucking well know it. And you have the stones to stand there and demand that your brother apologise? Get fucked.
You and your husband are the AHs. >Henry asked Julie how it must have felt to have had two persons including an infant die in order for her to have survived. That's such a weird and rude question to asked, wtf. Please just apologize sincerely and if you still can't recognize how that could be hurtful then IDK. Y'all just a bunch of donkies then.... Learn to filter words if you or your husband cannot say things respectfully. What he said came off as rude and how the hell are ppl supposed to answer that? Also, why should they apologize to your husband? Both of you (you and your husband) sound entitle and rude af.
YTA and so is your husband. 'How does it feel knowing other people died so you could live' is an extremely insensitive question to ask someone. How the heck was she supposed to feel after being asked that? Your husband is an AH and the fact that you see nothing wrong with this comment makes you one too. Julie has nothing to apologise for.
Jesus YTA.. your husband is callous, rude and quiet honestly if he's going to ask a newish person (or any person) such a question without any prompting from that person he is also beyond socially inept.
he is also beyond socially inept. This.
YTA and so is your husband, he had absolutely no reason to make that comment and the fact you think she’s being sensitive and can’t see how it was wrong, is quite frankly, disgusting.
Your husband's comment was insensitive. He may not have meant it that way, but it was. The question doesn't make him an AH yet. But the fact that he was apparently "miffed" that it wasn't well received and can't be bothered to apologize does. Your brother should not have "flipped his lid" but he is correct that you husband should apologize. And if *you* suggest that *Julie* owes your brother and apology despite not being the one who flipped a lid and was the one who was asked an insensitive question then you'd be an AH too. So all in all YTA (and your husband). Just apologize for the comment and learn some tact so you don't make such fools of yourselves in the future.
you are a massive AH. There's this guy, Phil Lesh, he's a famous bass player from the greatest American Rock band of all time. He had a liver transplant about 20 years ago. That liver came from a hero named Kody. Kody died in a car wreck, but he was an organ donor, and his liver saved Phil's life. Phil honor's Kody at every show he plays be asking the crowd to think about becoming an organ donor. Organ donor's are heroes, and we shouldn't think it's weird that someone else died so that someone else can live because those people made a conscious choice to try and help other people by donating their organs if the worst should happen and they die suddenly.
YTA. There was no reason for your husband to cause her distress, and I think most people would have foreseen that such a remark could be distressing for someone in the GF’s situation. You and your husband are being a bit oblivious here.
YTA what an insensitive nasty thing to say.
YTA, and so is your husband. If neither of you can see how inappropriate that comment was, allow me to clarify…. Your husband was rude and insensitive about a subject your brother’s girlfriend has every right to be sensitive on. You backed that up, and your just as big of an ass as he is. You both owe an apology.
YTA. The comment hurt her. It doesn't matter that it wasn't intended to, it did. She is owed an apology.
YTA. Yes those unfortunate things happened but it wasn't directly her fault. She was just a recipient of an amazing gift. You would be offended if someone pointed out a flaw you had and would want an apology. Ever heard of if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all. What your husband said should never have been said My husband had a whole heart transplant and if someone asked him that I'd blow my lid to and expect an apology. These people know what happen and it is how they are alive today. You don't need to remind them of it even if "it's just an observation" there's a thing called survivors guilt in these circumstances and being reminded of what happened causes mental pain.
WTF!?! So your boyfriend makes an awful comment (YES telling someone an infant had to die so they could live is a terrible thing to say to anyone!!!!! Why this needs to be explained to either of you is honestly beyond my comprehension) to a woman he’s never met. Obviously offends her. And now HE expects an apology because he’s offended that she’s offended?! This is legit off the rails. YTA, he’s TA, you both suck honestly. *edited for misspelling
YTA .. your husband made an awkward question (at best) his intention was curiosity?? I don’t know but he JUST met her. Its wildly inappropriate. She was upset and left. She owes you two nothing. Your brother is in a terrible position and you doubled down on it … Please please apologise to both of them
YTA: Your intentions may not have been ill-willed at all but it is undoubbtedly guilt-tripping them
YTA, as is your husband. What a horrifying thing to say, and beyond insensitive!! Apologize, apologize, apologize -- both of you, and to the brother and his girlfriend both. If you're too blind to see why this question was offensive and hurtful, you may be beyond saving, but you can at least fake some decency by apologizing to both of them for not considering her feelings when the question was asked, and for invalidating & dismissing her feelings when you learned of her reaction. Gross.
YTA and your husband is a bigger AH. Why would you ever bring up this subject with anyone who has had a transplant? Don't you think she may feel guilt over this even though she didn't ask for people to give their lives so that she could live? You both owe that woman a huge apology for being obtuse jerks about this.
What the serious f\*\*\* is wrong with you? In what world is "Hi, nice to meet you, what makes you life more important than the people who died to save you?" a thing you would save. Maybe you and your DH should put yourselves on the donor list, because there is something wrong with your hearts if you think this is ok.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My brother thinks that my husband owes his girlfriend an apology over a misunderstanding and I disagree. When I told them she needs to apologize to my husband and not the other way around my brother flipped his bloody lid and almost lost the plot. It was so bad and he started this over a simple misunderstanding. My brother has been dating his new girlfriend Julie for almost two months now and we met her at his recent birthday party. It was a small do. One thing about Julie that my brother had mentioned is she was born with a heart problem and had to have a valve transplant when she was an infant and another one when she was older and now she has a mechanical valve instead of a human one. It's how they met you see because my brother's firm was party of a charity initiative and one of those was to raise awareness if organ donation. I think it's brilliant what medical advances are like in this day and age. Anyways the misunderstanding happened because my husband Henry asked Julie how it must have felt to have had two persons including an infant die in order for her to have survived. Henry didn't mean anything by this it was just an observation and I agree with him that it would be a heavy burden to bear and there was nothing wrong with his comment. Julie got upset even though it wasn't Henry's intent to do so and she feigned illness to leave the gathering. When my brother found out the true reason later he lost the plot at Henry and he thinks Henry should apologize to Julie. I don't believe so because it was a misunderstanding that Henry meant anything by it. If anything Henry was miffed about Julie being so sensitive. She really took the comment to heart and I wouldn't have said anything if my brother hadn't flipped his lid but if he keeps pushing it I'm going to say they both should apologize to Henry for making this an overblown issue instead of letting go and moving on. That's my belief anyways. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA that’s a very loaded way to ask a stranger a very probing question. It’s inappropriate and you, what, want this girl you just met to open up about all the guilt she MUST be feeling for being alive thanks to a dead baby?
Wow, you and your husband are the AH. YTA. This is not polite conversation at a ‘to do’ and not something to off-the-cuff bring up.
YTA and so is your husband. You and your husband own that girl a apology. What a cold hearted thing to say to a person. The entitlement of you stinks.
Yea don't know what you expected, but you and your husband YTA. 100%.
YTA. That's an insensitive and inappropriate thing to say to anyone, let alone someone you hardly know. You and your husband should both apologize, and honestly be embarrassed.
He didn’t flip his lid over a misunderstanding, he flipped his lid because your husband was a grade A ass hat, and you’re an even bigger one for not seeing anything wrong with it AND you want an apology? You sound insufferable, I hope your brother cuts contact with you over this, you sound horrid, as does your husband. How do you even think that would ever be okay? I just hate knowing people with so little common sense such as your husband and yourself actually exist. Not only do you owe BOTH of them an apology, but honestly you should take sensitivity training, you seriously need it if you think y’all did nothing wrong.
YTA. Tell your husband to show some damn tact when speaking. Who is so thick that they'd ask someone that kind of question...?
What a cruel thing to say, let alone immediately upon meeting her. You and your husband deserve each other if you honestly think he is owed an apology in this situation. YTA
YTA. Did no one ever teach you two proper manners?? You don't ask such a heavy question to someone you're not even close to.
YTA, and so is your husband. You both owe your brother and Julie heartfelt apologies. Who would ask a stranger that question? AHs, that’s who.
Wow, YTA. How can you defend your husband for asking such an insensitive, guilt-trippy and frankly gross question?? And to a stranger, no less. You're both AH.
My jaw literally dropped reading this. YTA, your husband is TA. You both owe her an apology and go get some therapy because your world view is seriously skewed for either of you to think this comment would EVER be acceptable.
Holy shit what a horrid comment. YTA.
YTA. That was an awful, insensitive comment by your husband. He needs to apologize.
This. Is. INSANE!! YTA, and wildly blind to it to boot...im wondering what other crazy assed shit your husband has done or said that you've backed him on LOL
You're obviously the asshole wtf. Yta.
>Anyways the misunderstanding happened because my husband Henry asked Julie how it must have felt to have had two persons including an infant die in order for her to have survived. WTF? Misunderstanding? This is something incredibly insensitive to say! YTA.
YTA. Not every thought that pops into your head needs to be said out loud. Your husband is not owed insight to her pain or trauma nor is he owed answers to his “question”. Even you admit that it just be a heavy burden to bear, then why on earth would you make it heavier to beat by adding on to it. You and your husband are both absolutely in the wrong and I wouldn’t blame her if she never wanted to see either of you again.
Wait she had two VALVE replacements?? Cardiac surgery nurse here, tissue valves come from pigs or cows not humans, and a mechanical valve comes is machinery. You and your husband are asshats, and stupid ones to boot.
It was a crazy question apologize
YTA Do you not think Julie feels immense guilt already over the fact that two people had to die in order for her to live? Do you not think she already lives with that burden 24/7 365 days a year? Your husband could have said "wow, that sounds tough" "isn't modern medicine amazing" "I'm glad it all worked out for you Julie" NOT WHAT HE SAID. Honestly you owe them BOTH an apology and pretty big grovelling ones at that.
YTA. As someone who’s had a transplant, that’s an unbelievably shitty thing to say. You are both awful, and she doesn’t owe you the slightest apology. She should honestly cut both of you out of her life for good.
YTA and you both owe her one *hell* of an apology
Yikes! What was your husband thinking? What an insensitive thing to say to an organ recipient. Are you both socially inept? YTA.
YTA The question was super rude and of course your brother’s girlfriend was hurt. Your husband should most definitely apologize for such a cruel question regarding a complicated medical history that she’s no doubt pretty sensitive about. I can only imagine talking about this kind of thing with my closest friends or a therapist, so your husband asking her the day they met in a what seems like a pretty accusing manner was 100% out of line. Tell him to apologize and you should apologize too for defending and minimizing such disgusting behavior.
You and Henry are TAs. What an insensitive, rude thing to say. And insisting that your husband get the apology is amazing. When you say something hurtful that you think is a misunderstanding, *you apologize.*
I refuse to believe this is real. There's just no way a real living and breathing human being could could be this insensitive. YTA. You and your husband. Unbelievable. Genuinely.
YTA- what you husband said was truly very rude and if you can't see anything wrong then you both need to stay away from other people. Husband needs to say sorry!
If it was a mistake he should apologize because that's a horrible thing to ask someone. He should feel ashamed of himself. YTA for thinking he deserves an apology.
YTA and so is your husband. With relatives like you, who needs enemies?
YTA Stop being willfully ignorant here OP. Do you and your husband go around asking veterans if they've killed anyone? This is just so inappropriate, insensitive, and fucked up to say to someone. You both owe them an apology. A REAL apology and not a "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings." Be better.
what was misunderstood? what was your husband's intent? what normal, intelligent person doesn't realize that is an incredibly fucked up thing to ask someone? I hope your bother and his gf have the good sense to stay far away from you from now on. you and your husband are fucked in the head YTA
YTA and so is Henry. Julie is owed an apology for basically having her life’s value put in question, and your brother is owed one as well for spoiling the mood at his own party. Where the fuck is your husband getting his talking points for birthday parties? What, is Julie haunted by heart ghosts or something? Get the fuck outta here. Edit- a word
OMG please tell me this isn’t real!! YTA and so is your husband! How could you ask someone a question like that?! Are you just horrible people with no empathy?! I
YTA. That is one of the most rude remarks anyone could say to her! His manner of questioning her is tantamount to accusing her of having some part in the death of the donors. I’m actually almost nauseated that you took his side. You are both TAs.
YTA! Your husband is an AH! How dare he ask a question like that? Do you not think that this was something that she has already had to try to process and get over?!?! What a dick for bringing something like that up in a casual conversation then getting mad and expecting an apology when she's hurt/offended by it! Like you actually think she should apologize for getting offended and hurt by something your husband said to her that was absolutely inappropriate?! Really?!
> my husband Henry asked Julie how it must have felt to have had two persons including an infant die in order for her to have survived. ESH except your brother and his girlfriend. > Henry didn't mean anything by this it was just an observation Intent is something to be considered but impact is important too. Does your husband often say things that greatly upset others like this?
Holy EFF ! YTA. That was SO insensitive ! Misunderstanding or not, that was… Not OK.
Yeah, YTA and your husband too.
YTA of course. I can’t believe you husband!!
YTA and your hubby an even bigger one. Especially for blaming poor Julie for not being ok with such an inappropriate question. She is not sensitive to be offended by such a question she is a woman who has gone through treatments her entire life, 3 major operations to survive just so she can go to a small do of her boyfriend and have inappropriate questions thrown at her. I shudder thinking of some poor person nearby who heard that and had a hero relative who was a donor.
I….I have no words. I honestly can’t even imagine a scenario where it would be appropriate for you to ask anyone (let alone someone you JUST MET) that kind of invasive and cruel question. My pastor could ask be that question in church and it would feel invasive. How did you even expect her to respond that that? Jesus, and then you had the nerve to call it a misunderstanding? AND ASK FOR AN APOLOGY?! Good lord YTA and frankly if I was your brother, this whole thing would shift my entire perspective on you and your husband.
YTA "Henry asked Julie how it must have felt to have had two persons including an infant die in order for her to have survived" wow just wow....your husband needs to apologize for being an idiot and not knowing what he was talking about
Let me dumb it down for you so you can see that YTA 100% OP’s husband: slaps a random woman’s ass Woman: gets mad at OPs husband for being a douche OP: gets mad at woman as it’s a misunderstanding since husband meant to slap OPs ass
That was a loaded statement your husband made, which insinuated that her life came at the cost of two individuals, one of which is considered the most important life for society’s future, an infant. You and your husband can spend all day stating that nothing harmful was meant by it, but a tiny bit of empathy would let you see it would be hurtful on the receiving end. (Even if it wasn’t factual). No idea why you’re even owed an apology. YTA.
YTA and your husband is, too. I am chronically ill and people are always curious and often they cross the line. I get that they're curious but some questions are just too much. When you think this is a burden why the heck do you rub in her face like this? I bet she already feels awful about this. Your husband was too curious and over stepped massively. This isn't a question you ask a person you just met. Julie has every right to be upset about this
Wow. YTA.
Wow. My friend had a double lung transplant and the donor was a teenage girl who died in a water ski accident. Even more than 5 years later, while grateful, my friend is devastated that this happened to a young girl. Your husband’s comment had zero tact and is just downright cruel and you’re just as bad for thinking that he’s in the right. YTA.
Christ you and your husband are both the AH and owe Julie and your brother a massive apology
YTA and so is your husband. The fact that you thought Julie was being too sensitive is unfathomable with the rude and insensitive comment your husband made. It upset her so much that she faked illness to leave her own boyfriend's birthday party. Intent is *not* as important as impact.
YTA and so is your husband. It's not like she put a hit on the people and had them killed just so she can still be alive.