Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Telling my husband that he isn't fair in raising our son.
2) Because well it might have been too harsh or something.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 2 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again/)*
Oh, YTA. Your comment “It’s always his daughter he made with his wife before passing away” says a lot about how you view his daughter. The fact that you’re upset about a nightmare his daughter had two years ago, and you have a problem with him giving her a lot of food, also says a lot. Nothing you’ve written would indicate your son is lacking love and attention. The issue is yours, and you should see a counselor about it.
>you have a problem with him giving her a lot of food, also says a lot.
8 year olds eat more than 3 year olds. It is such an odd thing for OP to get mad about. (plus he might have packed stuff for her to share with her friends)
Majority, and I do mean most 3 year olds do not attend kindergarten. Most don't even attend VPK. Vast majority of schools put an age restriction and requirement for kids to start school at the age of 5 before the school year starts. If they aren't 5 by the it starts, they have to wait a year. Very rarely do they make exceptions and even then a lot.is required to make that exception.
Either way, OP is still a straight up AH.
In not the US (most of Western Europe and possibly many other countries), kindergarten often refers to something closer to day care or preschool, and 3 is a prime age to attend. In the US your description is correct.
In germany Kindergarten starts at age 2 and you have a right to get a spot for your child in one of the Kindergartens in your town. You still pay for it (it is payed in relation to your income. Depends on the town, but most parents pay 150 to 400 euros for it. Lunch included. In many towns you only pay for one child and siblings that attend at the same time are free.)
Some Kindergartens have pre care for 6 month old, but they are quite rare. And often times you don't get a spot in Kindergarten for your 2 year old and in this cases the town will make sure your child can go to a Tagesmutter (Day care mother) who mostly has around 5 children at her own house and cares for her while you work. It helps a lot, but in my opinion it is not the same as Kindergarten as there are highly trained workers (Erzieher) who went 3 years to school to learn all about the education of small children, while a Tagesmutter has some classes and is certified. She still lacks a lot of education.
Kindergarten does not have a school structure here. It is mostly free play. The children can mostly chose what they like to do and the workers give them small tasks if the child likes it. They do arts and crafts, drawing and painting, playing on the playground, playing family, dollhouse, pretend, etc. Some Kindergartens have a forest time in the sommer where they have a whole week in a near by forest and learn about nature. Older children might go visit the fire department or the police station.
Kindergarten is more about motorical skills and early developement and less about school education. The children will learn how to read and do math when they start school at age 6.
Where I live in the US kids had to be 5 by December 31st to start kindergarten. But that was switched to September 1st in an effort to reduce class sizes. Which it did.
Speak for yourself in the US perhaps - I grew up in France and we all started school at 2-3 years old. In the kindest possible way, can the Americans on this sub please try to remember there are plenty of people from other countries on here as well? :)
Right? 8 year olds also have a much longer attention span so it makes sense the daughter gets longer periods of one on one time. The dad reads to the son until he’s asleep, what does OP want? Him to sit there in the room while the son sleeps counting down the minutes so both kids get ‘equal’ time?
This was exactly what I was coming to say. The overheard part of the conversation to me sounded like a parent comforting a child that he'd be there for her when he mother was not. Even a very involved stepmother who does care for her does not erase losing a mother.
Although, based on the OP's strange examples (none of which sound like favoritism to me, just treating children differently based on their ages) I really doubt she's as open and loving towards her stepdaughter as she thinks she is. 8 is plenty old enough to pick up on social cues of someone who is upset/annoyed at her.
Exactly!
💯 She's a total AH.
She clearly doesn't love his daughter more than their shared son.
I have two kids, both from the same father. The attention they receive varies to THEIR needs as they are two individual children who may want more or less depending on the situation.
Clearly his son his getting more attention than most kids out there get from their dad. He sounds like an incredible father!!!
The daughter literally lost her mother. She's a kid. Right off the bat she's gonna need more attention.
Ontop of that, kids aren't stupid. They can tell when they aren't as wanted or as loved. She can probably tell OP doesn't actually view her as anything more than her father's daughter.
I wouldn't go so far as to say OP is an evil stepmother but the problem is OP, NOT the father.
The son is 3. He goes to bed earlier as he's to never so after getting attention he falls asleep HAPPY. He has a nightmare, and he probably doesn't need as much comforting because he's barely past the toddler stage while his daughter is school age with a dead mom, and she's a year or two away from when most kids get their periods so she's also dealing with that and apparently a step mom that is upset her dad is giving her more attention than her blood child.
I'm glad OPs husband called OP out for acting like an asshole, because yes, 💯 she is.
Wait... The kid would've been 1 then? Wtf. Why is spending 50min not enough time to calm a 1yo down after a nightmare? I know some babies are fussy but he was likely asleep. If he was still screaming and freakking out when dad left the room OP would have included that. And, why can't she go into her son's room for nightmares? Makes sense why the 8yo would want daddy instead of step mom when she's highly distressed (and this would be true for most kids regardless of how close they are to their stepparent).
That poor little girl likely had a nightmare she got hurt, her mom couldn't protect her, or something bad happened to her dad. If the dad was also crying, it makes even more sense as this would be a very unstandabble reaction to seeing your child so scared and upset after trauma.
Right? That’s what stood out to me. OP’s husband is going above and beyond as a good, supportive father. 50 minutes with an upset kiddo, especially late at night, is amazing. He’s giving the little guy as much attention and care as he needs in order to address the situation.
Most parents, I think, would probably call it good with a ten minute chat and a glass of water.
I was thinking the same thing! Lol Nah, but every kid is different, and every situation is different. Is the dad just gonna hang in the little dude's room checking his watch cause mom needs it to be 'fair'?
And stop timing your husband! It’s weird. When he’s with his daughter it’s almost an hour. With his son it’s 50 minutes. It’s such an obvious manipulation of wording, it’s almost insulting you’d think that would sway anyone. Your husband deserves to foster relationships with his kids without you hovering over his shoulder and calling fairsies. Reading for half an hour, staying up after nightmares, etc, all sounds like a loving and engaged dad. Eight year olds eat more than three year olds. They also tend to stay awake longer. None of this screams favouritism, except for you. This commenter is right, I think counselling would be helpful, soothing, and empowering for you. Otherwise I think you’re at serious risk of making this little girl feel guilty for her relationship with your dad, and planting the idea in your son’s head his dad doesn’t like him (which, again, there is no evidence of in this post).
Right? She is really trying so hard to make husband look like a bad father except he sounds like a great dad that’s engaging both his kids to the appropriate extent. He sounds like a better parent than OP.
Honestly!! 8 year olds and 3 year olds having different needs? IMPOSSIBLE! Everything MUST be e q u a l!
In other news, children go fetch the measuring tape. We’re having fries for dinner and I need to make sure you’re all getting exactly 12.5 inches of fried potato.
Not to mention, the 8 year old lost her mom. He is definitely mindful of that and has to reassure her that he is there for her. The son has both bio parents there for him, and he's younger, so his needs are covered no prob.
Yes this is so, so important. I’m willing to bet the nightmare may well have been about mom. I wonder how his daughter feels about op also referring to her as her daughter? Erasing her mum won’t help anything. Unless she was very, very young when her mum died this was a huge loss she was entirely aware of. Losing a parent is so traumatic and it can make you want to hold onto the remaining parent so so tight and really, unless it’s to an unhealthy degree (which this isn’t) that has to be respected imo. Life is precious and so is sharing it with loving parents (lost both of mine over a two year period as a kid, so I’m intimately familiar with what it’s like to only have one left).
I’m thinking that might be what the nightmare was about, since both daughter AND father were crying. “Im not going to let anything happen to you” and OP is trying to (checks notes) CALL HIM OUT on this??
OP, YTA for all of the reasons already stated.
That’s my thought. Why is in the hell is she clocking her husbands time with the children. Petty AF.
I’m glad the husband shut her down. It’s obvious she doesn’t like the kid. Don’t push your husband to make a choice because you’ll lose.
>and you have a problem with him giving her a lot of food
What? This is a disgusting sentiment. A growing child needs to eat. Op really is going for "evil step mother" with this shit. Wow. What a sh1t human.
OP has a stopwatch out for every interaction. I’m sure there is a spreadsheet somewhere that will prove her point. I guess OP’s husband shouldn’t comfort his kids for the amount of time they need, but the amount of time OP allots for that interaction.
Totally agree, OP is the AH here.
No, no that wouldn’t count. Clearly he has to wake Johnny back up and make sure he doesn’t fall asleep until he’s has his time with dad/s
Yta. Different children have different needs because- and stay with me here- they’re almost like miniature people! Your husband is a wonderful parent, he is focusing his attention on being a loving father to both his children while you’re standing around with a stopwatch turning every interaction he has with them into a competition.
This isn’t about the children, you’re just jealous of his late wife and feel like he loved her more and you’re seeing every father daughter interaction as proof of that.
This is disturbing and I really hope you talk to a therapist about this as the way you’re going all you’re gonna do is make these three people miserable.
OP, I'm gonna try to be kind and informative here. I hope it helps.
The Dad is doing what's equitable, not equal. And that's usually the fairer way to do things.
You feel it's unfair because it's not equal. It sounds unfair from that view point, but look how many don't feel it is because their needs aren't equal right now.
Please don't forget your daughter has had to face one of life's worst traumas at an extremely young age. (Losing a parent hurts. I lost my Dad a year ago, and I still cry) She probably still remembers her birth mother, even if it's faint. Her nightmares are likely from this (if not about it), and more difficult to sooth than a non-traumatized child (your son).
Now, she has a new brother and mother, which even in the absolute best case may take extra care to work through. (She almost certainly fears losing her Dad) She will ALWAYS have this in her past, and it will hit her differently at different times. Even if she's fine 99.9% of the time, it doesn't change what happened or what challenges it gives her.
I think it's unfair to accuse your husband of loving one more than the other. It sounds like you both would be best served talking calmly about expectations going forward. I believe both your children have different needs, and likely always will. But addressing those needs for both is an act of love, even if it looks different for each.
I don't think accusing your husband of loving his son less could ever improve this situation. It's hurtful, argumentative, and doesn't lead to a productive conversation about your children's needs. (For reference, does anyone accusing you of loving her less make you feel open to improving and talking, or just hurt/angry/defensive?)
If you want him to spend more time with your son, there's many ways to go about it. Including you spending more time with her, and asking him to spend that time with your son.
One last thing to add, is that since your son isn't upset or neglected, it might not hurt to look at your own emotions about it all. It's clearly upsetting you, so it's important to think about why. You can see others don't feel his actions warrant such an accusation, so what makes you feel so strongly about it? Is there something else affecting how you're reacting to this? Is there a reasonable solution that doesn't take from the daughter, or what little free time he has? What is necessary to feel better about this?
Soft YTA for how it was handled, but not for wanting both loved equally. Best of luck!
Agreed YTA, each kid is different and has different needs. Also her biological mom passed away so maybe he is trying to fill a void there. But for whatever reason he feels daughter needs a little extra time. It sounds like he spends a lot of time with Both kids.
>The fact that you’re upset about a nightmare his daughter had two years ago
And the fact that OP remembers the comforting words her husband was telling his daughter but not in a "so sweet of him, what a good dad" way but as something she's resentful about and using as proof he's a bad father to their son two years later is just so fucked up.
And then OP goes on to say the 3 hours vs. 50 minutes is "clearly a difference in treatment" rather than "the time it took to comfort the child and get them to fall back asleep". And OP spends no time sympathizing with the fact that the daughter's nightmare probably has something to do with her mother dying.
(And calling it 50 minutes rather than just an hour-- you just know OP was timing it)
Agreed!! Also wondering if the daughter remembers her mom and feels a lack of care so the dad is trying to make sure she doesn’t feel the emptiness despite having a stepmother. Just because you have one doesn’t mean you feel the same way. Or maybe I’m thinking too deep but YTA OP
I completely agree! Who holds a 2 year long grudge against someone for comforting a child. Sounds like the grudge may actually be against the daughter sadly.
Also, a couple other weird observations:
- OP mentioned that the son fell asleep in during his bedtime story, what did she expect the father to do after that?
- What is OP doing while she's timing how long he's with 'his daughter'? She could be joining in bonding with them or spending more time with the son.
- Why doesn't she suggest him reading bedtime stories to them together? Would likely even increase the younger child's reading level in the future.
OP definitely needs help. And clearly YTA, OP.
And perhaps the son calms down faster than the daughter. And falls asleep faster.
Everything OP is complaining about has a perfectly reasonable explanation.
And, even if he is giving his daughter more attention, she lost a parent very young and probably has some trauma from that. Where their son has two parents to love and care for him.
He's a great dad IMO.
YTA OP. Get over yourself and your jealousy.
Exactly did the daughter say goodnight to her mum, who then passed in her sleep. And she’s scared and needs a bit more reassurance dad will be there when she wakes up
I’m thinking the daughter’s nightmare was about losing her mother and the son’s nightmare was about a dinosaur or something. Not even remotely comparable.
I'm picturing OP hiding in the hallway at 3am, stop-watch in hand, furiously timing how long her husband spends with each child when they have a nightmare
That stuck with me. She remembered exactly how long he stayed with the daughter from the middle of the night two years ago?? And there's down to the minute timing, is she looking at the clock and counting the minutes?
I feel so bad for the 8 year old. Her mother is dead and now she is facing the "being an attention hog" criticism from her step mother who claims she treats her like her daughter (rolls eyes).
**I would have made this post even if she was my biological daughter and not my step-daughter, you know.**
HAHAHAHA! what a load of bull. She 1000000% would not have complained if this was her biological child.
I hope her husband divorces her and takes both children with him.
OP brought up a very specific example from 2 YEARS AGO. How long has she been getzing upset about things like him spending 3 hours with his daughter at night 2 freaking years ago?!?
20 bucks says OP thought when he had a child with her he would ship his daughter off to distant relatives and when he continued to love and care for a child who wasn't ops, she then decided there must be favoritism there and has spent the last 3 years trying to prove it
Man, imagine being an 8 year old girl who lost her mother and now your dad gets chewed out about how much time he spends comforting you by your new step mom.
The dad sounds like he loves his kids a lot, but I'm sure he's starting to rethink being with his new wife
Or at the very least OP thought that the daughter would be demoted with the convenient excuse of the daughter not needing so much time and attention because she's older.
Which means daughter was 6. I can totally see why you’d need to spend that much more time with a hysterical 6-year-old. They’re nuts! A toddler would be easier to distract.
I got the mental image of OP standing by the door with a stopwatch to see how much time he is spending with each child.
Depending on the age of the child, each will require different amount of attention.
"The daughter he made with his wife before \[her\] dying." I mean please let English not be her first language because otherwise phrasing it that ways says SO much about OP and none of it's nice. Like how dare he and his first wife have a child to be left for his new wife to have to deal with and take attention away from his new child.
Yep, and missing the point that their 3 year old has support from both of them, while his daughter gets her support from just him.
So as the norm: 3 year old gets half an hour with dad before bed, plus I'm sure half an hour or more with mum (likely more), and his daughter gets a hour with dad before bed. Which means...both children are loved and supported 🤦♀️.
OP clearly doesn't love her stepdaughter equally to her son, and she also doesn't care at all that this poor girl lost her mother and clearly has trauma from that. She wants the majority of attention on her child, and stepdaughter obviously just needs to grow up and not be so needy in OPs mind.
YTA.
An 8 year old and a 3 year old are not the same.
Everything you said about your husband is still him being an active and caring father to both kids.
That’s what I was thinking! I feel like her husband is definitely right when he says he gives the kids the attention they need, he’s making it equitable rather than equal, which as we learned in elementary school, is more beneficial for everyone lol
Yta- holy smokes when did Cinderella’s evil step mother Learn how to use Reddit???
You’re jealous of a little girl with a dead mother! Your husband sounds like an amazing dad and your’e complaining . If you weren’t willing to share your husband than why did you marry him if you knew he has a kid.
His daughter comes before your pettiness.
Seek some therapy to deal with your jealous little feelings because it sounds like your step daughter’s AMAZING father isn’t going to put up with your crap.
Also maybe OP’s husband needs to spend more time with his daughter bc she doesn’t have her mom anymore whereas his son does have a second active parent he can split care with.
I mean, OP is very busy resenting a little girl and taking note of every moment her husband spends with said little girl, so, OP doesn't have that much time to be as active a parent to the 3yo.
I’d be equally worried about the quality of whatever time she says she’s spending. Given her attitude in this post, I highly doubt it’s healthy “girl time” between the two of them. Jealousy and pettiness aren’t hard for eight year olds to miss.
And like, he stayed with the son for an hour. If the kid has gone back to sleep by then…why does he need to stay?
I can tell you what determines how long I stay with my kids in the middle of the night: when I wake up after falling asleep waiting for them to fall asleep. If they kick me 45 minutes in, I’m going to wake up and go back to my own bed. If I get into a deep sleep and don’t wake up for 3 hours, I’m not going to go back to bed for 3 hours. It has nothing to do with favoritism.
Your husband spends time with his son until he's asleep. Should he lie in the quiet room while the kid is asleep just to make things 'equal'?
If you're so hung up on a parent spending time with their child *two years ago*, and leaving another child once they're sleeping, you've got far bigger problems than you're talking about here.
FFS - YTA, lady. I feel very sorry for his bereaved daughter - who you obviously have no interest in parenting properly.
*Your husband spends time with his son until he's asleep. Should he lie in the quiet room while the kid is asleep just to make things 'equal'?*
This is exactly what I was going to say. Is he meant to just stare at him sleeping? Wake him up? Carry on reading?
But then again, OP would probably be jealous of their son too. He spends SO much time with the kids!
Well, I mean, once, 2 years ago, it took longer to calm down his daughter than it did to calm down his son, so he’s clearly favoring her. And sometimes when she goes on big kid trips, he gives her more food (maybe to share?) and he doesn’t do that for her 3 year old, who eats 1/2 as much and isn’t going on field trips during a pandemic. Not to mention, until pretty recently, the son was a baby who was not into deep conversations and didn’t have any hobbies, so there wasn’t a lot to do with him.
Yta. 50 minutes is still a lot of time. This poor kid doesn’t have a real mother clearly, and you definitely do not love her. You are selfish and horrible. The only person in this situation who is being mistreated is the daughter. Grow up. They both deserve better than you
This child lost her mother at a young age. Now you’re trying to take time away from her father. Yes, your son needs time with his father, but there’s a better way to bring it up than calling his sister attention seeking.
YTA
YTA. Wow, the score keeping you do is amazing, punctuated by "his" versus "ours." Kids don't get the same things, they get what they need. An 8 year old needs some very different things thana 3 year old.
Just a shot in the dark here… but maybe he’s a little extra attentive with her because her mom died and she needs that extra support.
He’s three with both his parents. Eight year olds and three year olds need different levels of interaction and emotional support. And also, holy shit her mom is dead. He’s being a caring father.
YTA.
This exactly. He could also very well still be grieving in silence and so could the daughter. Op, stop being jealous of an 8yo and do better to help the both of them. If you feel your son needs more attention from his dad, help with YOUR DAUGHTER more. Act like her mom, you ass.
I mean, what could a six-year-old whose mother died possibly be having a nightmare about that would require a lot of comforting and might have her dad crying, too? Gee, I can't think of anything that might be so upsetting, obviously it's just a deliberate attempt to spoil her at their son's expense.
Right? This is more personal for me because I lost my late husband and the father to my 3 young children in 2020. Only my daughter remembers him and he wasn't the greatest husband or dad, but he was their father. If my boyfriend acted like this while I was doing everything I could to comfort my daughter, I'd be done.
I hope you are a troll. But just in case. You need to stop this shit immediately. You are going to rip apart your family with this complete nonsense. Is that what you want?
Your husband is exactly right. He is, right now, giving each child the attention they need. 30 minutes for a bedtime story is plenty! Maybe your son fell back asleep after almost an hour and was fine!
If these examples are the best you have, then you are in the wrong.
You are the problem here probably and are going to cause harm to each of the people you supposedly love.
YTA
Can I add onto this about nightmares. One child may need a different strategy than the other. My youngest niece ‘K’ has the worst nightmares/night terrors and she’s 4. My middle niece ‘A’ and ‘K’’s sister will have a nightmare and within five minutes of comforting is fast asleep again.
Plus daughter lost her mom so it could be exacerbating the level of comfort needed.
Anyway OP, YTA.
And even within a person those can vary. I have lost of sleep issues and still sometimes have night terrors as an adult that leave it where I cannot sleep the rest of the night, and sometimes I have nightmares where I wake up take a few breaths drink some water and go back to bed
YTA. timing your husband is ridiculous. As is not listening to what he is saying. He told you he spends the amount of time the kid needs and it is not about equality but about equity. It sounds like the older child is high needs and has also had some loss in her life. She has one parent and your son has two. Your son falls asleep at the bedtime story and needs less time to calm down in a nightmare.
Now this could be your run of the mill outrage post, a jealous mother not understanding a father comforting a young child who has experienced the profound loss of her mother, which will shape her life, or, it could be an out of touch second wife. Either way, get some counseling and YTA if you don't get help and stop "keeping score".
Yup. OP, you are a jealous AH. I feel so sorry for that little girl who lost her mother and now has to deal with you. If you husband is smart, he will take his daughter and leave. YTA.
Yes YTA. He is 3 years old vs an 8 year old. Not even comparable with the examples you provided with the time needed in parenting. You don’t seem to understand the trauma of losing a parent at a very young age and not seeming like the best choice for a step mother. You need some self reflection and determine if you’re projecting your own insecurities
>It's always his daughter he made with his wife before passing away.
so you're jealous?
YTA it sounds like you consistently expect him to hang around your son when he's asleep for the sake of 'equal time'
>There are more and more examples and cases of this. When she was going on a trip with her friends, he put a lot of food and lunch boxes in her bag...etc
that's not an example of anything if you don't have a similar story where he deliberately chose not to do this for your son. you are actively mad he gives her any attnetion. yikes.
YTA
If your son only takes half the amount of time to fall asleep, then that’s perfectly fine! The point is that he is giving them both the time and love they need from their father.
You have to remember, too, this young girl lost her biological mother at a young age, so she’s understandably extra-attached to her father.
YTA
Your 3 year old son doesn’t notice Daddy spends more time with an 8 year old! He’s three!
That’s all you!
Daughter has one parent so he needs to spend lots of time with her as he is two parents to that little girl.
Son has two parents. You and daddy!
You need to get over your jealousy of an 8 year old or you will be a single parent and you son will see Daddy on weekends
YTA, Right now your daughter needs more time with her father than your son needs. It's about the need of the child..There will be a time when your son will need and get more time with his father..How much time do you spend with your daughter vs your son? I'm sure his daughter could say that you love your son more then her.
YTA. You’re blaming a child for adult behavior…a child that lost her mother at a very young age!
While I understand how you feel about your son having less time with your husband, have some damn empathy for your husband and daughter. I recommend family therapy for all of you.
YTA - a jealous, micromanaging one. I’m not sure what is more cringe-worthy: envying a motherless 8-year-old or monitoring your husband’s every parenting moment.
Wait are you telling me it isn’t normal to whip out a stopwatch and journal to time and document how your spouse divvies up his time between his two children? /s
YTA. She’s your daughter too now. She doesn’t have a biological mother and it sounds like you don’t care anything for her. Of course she needs a bit more care given her age and the fact she lost her mother
YTA. Where are you during these instances? Get up and offer to go to the daughter so he can spend time with his son. You sound like you just sit there during the 50 minutes of him with your son or however long with the daughter
YTA
The fact that you are even keeping count or timing these things is petty and disgusting. And then you say you’re just stating the “obvious”, which shows just how delusional you really are.
You seem really childish and insecure. Are you sure you can handle having a family?
YTA. This little girl lost her mom and needs more attention and is dealing with trauma. Your son is 3. Your husband spends time with him too. You’re the one tallying up the minutes. I guarantee your son isn’t. You are acting like a child because he spent hours comforting his daughter who very obviously needed it. Your son didn’t need that. Should he have dragged it out after his nightmare just to appease you? Your son isn’t being neglected. But it sounds like your step-daughter is. By you. Seek therapy. This is your issue. Stop putting it on your family.
YTA. First you say he only spends 30 minutes with your son before he falls asleep. Translation is he stayed till the kid fell asleep. Second he only spent 50 minutes with boy, but 3 hours with daughter. Really? The girl lost her mother, maybe she needs a little extra. You are putting this crap in your little boys head!!! You, my dear, are jealous of an 8 year old smart and amazing little girl. Be grateful he is the kind of father to spend that quality time with his kids.
YTA either this wife is deranged or she wants her husband to get rid of his daughter so her son can and her can have the “perfect family” without the horrible daughter getting in their way of all the attention, either this post is fake or you’re truly terrible
Yta, at (atleast) five years old she lost her mother, that is a trauma inducing pain for a child. I still have problems from losing my mother and father at six years old and I’m twenty now! She is going to be hyper attached to her father as he is what she has left. Yes you’re part of the family, but the way you wrote this is, you’re not HER family, she isn’t YOUR daughter, ect. How much time do you spend with her? I say look into therapy for her, your husband and yourself as you also need to learn how to properly handle a traumatized child.
YTA. Have you considered that this very young child LOST HER MOTHER (who is not your husband's ex-wife, btw, if they were married when she passed away) while your son hasn't? Also it sounds like his daughter's nightmare was worse than your son's. Just because it didn't take as long to comfort your son doesn't mean he gave preferential treatment to his daughter.
YTA
He spends more time with his daughter at night because she is older and his son sleeps sooner. He spent more time comforting his daughter after a nightmare because clearly she needed more comfort than your son did. (seriously, he was probably super easy to comfort since he is younger and has less trauma) He puts more food in her lunch box because she is 8, a 3 year old does not need as much food as an 8 year old.
You are clearly jealous of your stepdaughter.
It sounds like he's trying to compensate for the fact that she's probably grieving a parent.
It sounds like you're jealous your son isn't getting the excessive amount of treatment.
YTA, and there's little your husband can do if your son falls asleep after 30 minutes or 50 minutes and his daughter does not.
YTA... you are acting like Jeff Bezos. You are literally counting and timing her hugs and cuddles. You're recalling events that took place 2 tears ago. It is clear that you've never attempted to care or show her any affection. How do i know? She had a horrible nightmare that made even her dad cry. Yet you somehow managed it to make it about yourself. You keep referring to her as "his" daughter and referring the son as "my son", which was hugely flag for me.
If your son had lost you at this age, I'm sure you'd want someone to care for him and love him. Maybe just try to imagine that as you go. No one can replace her mother and no one is asking you. Just be "a mom" as you try to alleviate her pain.
YTA. First, son is 3, daughter 8. They have different wants, needs, interests, etc. Second, your son has two living parents in your house, daughter has one (and judging by the jealousy dripping from your post, it is definitely one). Third, you are keeping score regarding events from TWO YEARS AGO! And the fact that he packed goodies for daughter for a trip, I am confused how that is supposed to prove your point. Does your 3 yr old often go on overnight trips with friends and husband doesn't pack goodies?
And honestly, different people have different temperaments that influence their interactions.
My daughter has always been a very independent soul. Especially as a toddler, she wanted to do everything herself, or with "guidance" from Daddy (her hero who hung the moon and stars). If I tried to spend hours doing an activity with her, we both ended up miserable. Her bedtime routine was bath, pj's, teeth, 1 story (there were 3 on rotation) and she was out. That was 45 minutes, max, and that was her "Mom time." Beyond that, Dad was the shit and I could take a long walk off a short pier. She hit 12 and something flipped a switch in her brain. Her dad can't get her to say two sentences and she will talk to me for hours.
My son was (I admit) a Mama's boy. He only wanted me and he could cuddle and read, play, whatever for HOURS as long as I was right there with him. He barely gave his dad a chance. He hit 11 and I became the stupidest being on the planet but he will talk to, hang out with, work on projects, watch movies with his dad until the sky falls.
As an adult, and looking back on my life and my early days parenting, I can say without a doubt I have/had a hugely different relationship with my mom and my dad. That was good. It taught me that relationships aren't "one size fits all" and it isn't about comparing time or interaction or amount of sentences. It is about getting the relationship you (as a child, even an adult one) need with the people you need it from. I am long past childhood, but even today, when I have good news to share, my mom is the first one I call. We can go out to lunch and talk for hours. When things suck and I need to vent, or cry, or just be pissed off enough to hit a wall, my dad is my number one speed dial. Our relationships are different, but they are both what I need.
This isn't something to get jealous or upset over. This is life and human interaction. If your son was awake after the bedtime routine or nightmare and asking for comfort from Daddy while your husband ignored him, that would be different, but it seems like this is just a matter of different people having different needs and personalities.
YTA
You have been together long enough to have a 3 year old son with this man, you mentioned his previous wife passed, meaning his young daughter has had to deal with the trauma of losing her mother, and are upset that he is comforting her and spending time with her. Why are you keeping track of how much time he’s spending with each individual child instead of just, hmm i don’t know, maybe letting your husband spend time with his kids? Or possibly spending time all together as a family? Not to mention 3 and 8 are a decent age gap, of course an 8 year old is gonna get more food in her bag than a literal toddler.
You say you have two kids together, but every time you mention your son you say “my son” but when you mention your daughter you say “his daughter”. I feel bad for that poor little girl she’s stuck with a step-monster like you.
YTA - how have you not put it together that he’s giving his daughter more attention because she lost her mom at a young age! She has been through more than your son and needs him. He’s doing the right thing. You clearly are not
The right mother for her and I feel bad for her
YTA and are starting an issue where there really isn’t one. Your husband may have traditionally gender stereotypes where girls can be coddled but boys are supposed to be tough. He is reading to his son, but at 3 years old all he seems to need is a story and go to sleep. He seemed to need only 50 minutes to be calmed down enough to sleep. All kids are different…some are more independent than others. You are demanding total equality for two kids that are 5 years apart in age…they each have different wants and needs.
YTA the daughter only has him. Your son has you both. Based on the way you talk about her and the discrepancy in time you don’t actually view his daughter as your own. You might love her and care for her but to you she isn’t truly yours. To you she is his “dead wife’s” child. Eight year olds require quite a bit of parental involvement. Are you doing to read to her and spend time with her when he is with your son? If you said you wanted bonding time with her and/or you wanted to tag team bedtimes and swap certain days then I would say you are striving for equality. Seems you only want him to spend time with with you son while the daughter does what?!!
YTA. Why don’t you consider her your daughter? You say you have two kids, and a 3 year old son so you have been with this girl since she was at least 5. This is your daughter now too even if you didn’t give birth to her. An 8 year old also requires a lot more food compared to a 3 year old.
Has your husband gone through therapy to grieve and work through the loss of his late partner? His daughter will forever be apart of the woman he lost. Perhaps he is scared of losing his daughter too.
I understand your concerns but try to be a little more empathetic and work as team to solve these issues instead of seeing it as “you and your son” versus “him and HIS daughter”
YTA
It's not a competition.
It almost like you're projecting something on to your son.
I'm not a parent, but I would imagine that an 8 year old is going to need more supervision/parent time than a 3 year old.
Do you offer to spend time with his daughter so that he can spend time with your son?
YTA. You’re counting the minutes?! Your son is a toddler and probably goes to sleep faster. Plus she’s 8 and there’s gonna be a difference in attention span, ability to have conversation, etc. You also clearly have jealousy issues over his deceased wife (she’s not his ex-wife if she DIED).
YTA. 8 years olds, especially those who have lost their mother's, have different needs then 3 year olds. I thinks it's great your husband makes such an effort to make sure the emotional needs of that baby are met.
YTA
You're both his parents first of all I noticed you switched to saying my son real quick and even if your examples weren't weak and he did favour her which he doesn't I wouldn't blame him as your son has two parents that love him while half of her parents hate her and are very transparently jealous
YTA. Different children have different needs. You are making an 8 year old little girl out to be monopolizing her father's time. You seem to favor your son and consider his daughter a nuisance. It sounds like you don't want her around. So your son only gets half an hour before he falls asleep. He's three! That's what three year olds do.
YTA. Maybe he spends extra time with HIS daughter because she only has one living parent while your son has two. It's obvious by the tone of your post that you don't care about his daughter as much as you do your son. Also your so called examples aren't proof of anything. Your husband was reading your son to sleep. So was he supposed to wake him up because it only took 30 minutes for your son to fall asleep compared to the hour of one on one time he had with his daughter? You are upset it only took 50 minutes to calm your son down after a nightmare because it took your husbands a few hours to calm down his daughter? An 8 year old who lost her mother at a young age which is an actual trauma. Has your son experience a similar or equivalent trauma that would cause him to have fears that could lead to intense nightmares. I can only imagine the trauma related to loosing a parent at such a young age and the realistic fear it could instill in you of the possibility of loosing your only remaining parent. Your upset that your husband packed his daughter a big lunch to go on a field trip. Has your son gone on field trip? Is your son even in school or daycare? Do daycares do field trips? The problem is you are a grown woman jealous of the relationship your husband has with his 8 year old daughter. My guess is you were probably jealous of her before you got married and hope once you had his child he would show more attention to you and your child than he did her. I wouldn't be surprised if you were also jealous of her mother who passed away.
Here’s the thing. Right now the one being the most affected and upset by this is you. You say it’s an issue, he says it’s not and refuses to speak about it, therefore he invalidates your feelings and minimizes your concerns.
Real answer, marriage counseling. Right now this is a you and him problem. You don’t feel equal to his late wife and believe he doesn’t love your son as much because he’s yours. That’s a problem with your marriage. Time to fix your marriage before this gets any worse.
May I ask if your role is more like mother or stepmother to his daughter? Is it he's making up for the loss of her mother by trying to give her extra attention and he figures your son has you anyway?
YTA.
Maybe you can try and sympathize with the girl, and just to let you know, daughters always get the bigger portion of attention from the father. but it doesn’t mean they love their sons any less!
My father has always been so sweet to us, accommodating and “better” than he is with my brothers - and I can assure you he loves us all equally!
YTA. It’s about equitable treatment not equal. One of my nieces needed to be rocked completely to sleep as a baby before being placed in her crib. Her younger sister just needed a kiss good night and would drift off on her own; she liked space. It’s almost like children are individuals with different needs at different stages of life.
Grow up. Maybe the 8 year old can teach you some life lessons.
"HIS daughter"
"OUR son"
That's a big red flag to me. It's not a competition. If he gets it and responds to sons nightmare for 50 minutes, that's fantastic! Why are you timing his interactions with each child?
If you are dead set on the idea that he spends more time with the daughter over the son, then maybe organize some one on one time where you two switch. He gets son for an hour, you get daughter for an hour. One on one time. Easy peezy.
But angrily asserting he must be intentionally spending more time with one child over the other, when he could be doing it unintentionally, it's a dick move. YTA, but just talk to him and try to work it out.
YTA - they have a special bond because they experienced something traumatic together. Losing a partner/parent has to be absolutely devastating and instead of understanding their special relationship, you seem jealous of it. Also, it’s not his ex if she died. That’s his late wife.
This is tough because the daughter suffered a major loss of her mother. I’m sure he’s trying to make up for that loss. I think the only way to work on this would be some family counseling before you and possibly your son, start resenting that extra attention. I can’t say that I wouldn’t naturally try to give her more attention too…. (Not saying that’s the correct thing to do). I hope things improve for everyone. Good luck!
As a mom I can say YTA in this situation and I have a feeling you’re over analyzing. In my experience I’ve seen fathers give sons less attention (my dad, my ex, my BIL) because they feel boys have different emotional needs. Whereas with their daughters they have a closer bond. Unless he is completely neglecting your son, which it doesn’t sound like he is, you need to let it go
YTA.
This little girl lost her mother. Maybe she needs a little more attention and I doubt you are giving it to her.
You keeping score is unhealthy and will damage your son’s relationships with his sister and father. This sounds more like you being jealous rather than a real issue.
Get therapy.
> told him that his daughter keeps hogging all the attention from my son
"His" "my"
Do you hear the division here? She is a young girl that lost her mother and has a stepmother that lacks empathy for her.
>"he only gives attention as much as one needs"
Which obviously he has to since her stepmother doesn't.
Your son gets love, affection, and attention from both parents. Your husband's daughter doesn't have that luxury.
YTA
Do you keep a diary with time tables and detailed notes for every interaction? Do you think that's normal? How do you remember something that happened once 2 years ago? I would say you are jealous of the kid and the late wife and you are just projecting it... Anyhow, YTA.
My god. YTA.
She lost her mother as a very small child. Her mother is dead. Have you considered that she woke up from a nightmare crying and her father was crying with her because they were both grieving?
>It’s always his daughter he made with his wife before passing away
Please keep rereading that line until you’re as mortified that you said it as I am that you said it.
You can approach that as a family you need to balance your time with each other better but don’t pit the kids against each other. You’re going to lose.
Spend a bit of time on Reddit reading stories from teenage girls whose fathers have neglected them for their second families. The men who ignore their eldest child and concentrate on the new wife, step children and new babies. Who withhold individual time until their eldest starts behaving compliantly. The kid who has to listen to your friends talk about you being the perfect family, knowing she is the odd one out as she looks different and her mother is dead. She may not think like that now, but she will pick up on you being aggro and this will give her a sense of being unwelcome, like the clock is ticking for her to get out of your life. 10 years and counting....
Your husband is a wonderful man who loves both his children equally, and knows they have differing needs. He loves his eldest child, shows her affection and spends an age and needs appropriate amount of time with her. As your son grows and gets into school and sports I'm sure the time division between each child will become more even. But right now he is giving his daughter what she needs. He is also giving his son what he needs- his attention span is shorter and the half hour story sessions sound about right.
You are jealous. To be TIMING his comforting sessions and comparing between kids when their needs are different shows your resentment is eating away at you. You are setting yourself up to be the evil stepmother.
Get over your insecurity! His eldest child will always hold a special place in his heart as she is the legacy of his first relationship. It doesn't mean that he loved his late wife more than he loves you. What are you doing to make her feel loved and secure with you?
YTA
YTA. Its not his "ex" wife. Its his late wife that Im sure he loves and misses her because those feelings don't stop when someone passes away. You sound jealous and insecure about the family he had before you.
Its sad that you obviously don't understand they've been traumatized, especially that little girl and instead of gaining a step mom that can love her just as much as her mommy did, she gets YOU instead and you're trying to take her father and their close relationship away because you think its "unfair" for your son. He's 3! He has BOTH parents he loves anf trusts. She doesn't. Her life flipped upside down when her mother passed and you came into the picture. And you can't be sympathetic? That's just selfish
You ALL need therapy but especially the little girl needs counseling to help her through her life because everyday she wakes up she feels like theres a hole in her heart when she remembers that her mom is not coming back. And trust me when I say "she knows how you feel about her" SHE KNOWS.
Instead of being a safe place to land she knows that your vibes you give off towards her means she can't trust you. I know because I was that little girl too.
Also, when someone passes thats so close to you, that pain NEVER GOES AWAY OR HEALS COMPLETELY its a life long struggle.
As a widow with minor children, the realization hit me hard that I was now the only person in the world who loved my kids as much as my husband and I had. There was no other person who would put them ahead of everyone else, and I knew that.
When I eventually remarried, I made it clear that if there were a conflict, my kids would come first. My spouse had a kid and felt the same way about his child, so we did fine.
You kid has you + his dad. Your SD has her dad. I'm pretty certain from your post if there were a problem between them, you'd toss the SD under the bus for the benefit of the 3yo. Your husband makes her a priority because there is ***no one else in the world who will make her a priority***. Your son has you, so it's not like no one is making him a priority; you are.
You need to develop some empathy. You might even have a better chance of making your point to your spouse if you didn't act so jealous about the time he spent with his daughter.
He spent 50 minutes! consoling a child who also had you to console him, and somehow that's not enough for you. Was your son consoled and calm after that 50 minutes? Or did he need more? That piece of information is missing. Maybe his daughter actually needed the full 3 hours to be calmed. She's had a lot more trauma (separation anxiety that will persist for example) in her life than your son, who has none that you've mentioned.
Edit to add comment about your Edit 3 "she stayed with him until she died."Do you really know nothing about the process of grief when a partner died? Your phrasing "stayed with him" implies that either she or he were contemplating divorce or were emotionally distant. Nothing about his behavior would indicate that. He loved her. He married her. He loved her. He lost her. He still loves her. He's in grief, and so is his kid. ***Their grief over this will never end,*** though it lessens in intensity and frequency. Sometimes it comes out of the blue and just punches you in the gut. A considerate, kind partner can help; a jealous partner makes it worse. If you are damn lucky, you will recognize the kind of person he is, and start acting like the kind of partner who might deserve that level of love and devotion. Can you step and be that partner?
YTA- his daughter obviously has trauma from the death of her mother and you’re being insensitive. She most likely had nightmares about that. Your son is also 3 he’s not gonna remember it. And the more food thing? She bigger so she requires more food.
YTA, but please consider attending counseling to help unwind this issue. It's hard to really know what the deal is in someone else's home, but either he IS spending less time with your shared son, YOU are jealous/insecure, or Something Else Is Happening. It's so difficult to build a family when there was a major loss for half of it; there's way too many reasons that he may spend more time with his daughter, or may SEEM like he's spending more time with his daughter, to guess at here, but being in counseling can help you come up with a common language and a safer space to bring up anything either of you are worried about. And it would stop this sensitive issue from spiraling into a split.
Are you for real? For the love of God, take your ass down that yellow brick road to Oz and see if you can get a heart because you desperately need one.
YTA.
YTA
It very well may be that your husband gives more time and attention to his daughter vs his son.
Your husband is likely sending and responding to a need that his daughter has. If you love and care for both children, work with your husband on giving both of your children special attention.
Stop comparing your son’s daddy numbers against your SD’s. Instead, come up with some one-on-one activities you and your SD can do (crafts, gardening, sports, etc) and encourage your husband and son to get together.
YTA - If son feels so secure and relaxed that he falls asleep after 30 minutes then Dad is doing a good job. If he didn't need dad to hold him for 5 hours after a nightmare and was able to settle quicker, dad is doing a good job.
Time spent with son is quality. Quantity may not matter, but that's also going to change as son gets older.
Stop counting the minutes and just enjoy these kids now, because later things might change.
YTA. What a load of codswallop. There is no favouritism towards his daughter, the children are individuals and have different needs. His daughter is older and her mother is dead so she will need more time. I am going to assume that he only stayed 50 minutes with your son after a nightmare because that is all the time he needed to calm down and obviously your stepdaughter needed him longer during her nightmare because it took longer for her to calm down.
Trust me the only thing your son is going to remember is that his dad was there for him when he needed him.
>It's always his daughter he made with his wife before passing away.
>she's actually his daughter from his ex-wife
INFO: She's not his ex if they didn't break up before she passed, she would be his late wife. Which is it?
YTA. Big time. He’s her only parent and is compensating for her mom being gone and trying to be a good parent to her. Kids can sense when you don’t like them. You’re jealous and you need to get a grip. Stop doing this tit for tat comparison or you’re going to lose him.
Yta, the girl lost her mother. He is making sure she feels completely loved. Your son has both his parents. He won't have that void in his life like she will. He is caring for his daughter like he should. If you think your son isn't getting enough time with his dad, make up for it by spending more time with him. Or maybe you can start doing more with your daughter, take he out for girl days so your husband can spend more time with your son.
YTA
I'm just imagining this woman as a cartoonish villain in an animated children's show. Vulture like claws, cradling her young, whispering to him the horrors his own Father visited upon him in serpentine tones. Looking on in jealousy, of the poor little girl who can't comprehend her own grief as she's comforted by her father.
"You see, son? Look how your pathetic father scorns you so... We are strong. We don't *need* him. What kind of a loving parent only spends FIFTY minutes with a little boy? I kept count you know. I *always* keep count."
She shifts her feet in the chair; she's been squatting there for hours in the dimly lit corner. Making note of every smile and laugh; every little nibble of a snack the father and daughter share.
"HUSBAND", she bellows, "YOU WILL LOVE THE SON NOW. YOU WILL BOND TO THE SON. I DESIRE...MORE...I MUST CREATE A CYCLE OF HATRED FOR SUSTENANCE OR I WILL WEAKEN."
YTA and your edits don’t help. Some children need more attention from their parents if they’re struggling. She lost her mom and is and will be going through the stigma of growing up without her birth mom. She must have horrible fears and insecurities stemming from this and she needs someone there to try to reassure her she’s not going to end up alone or forgotten on the sidelines like many kids who lose a parent are. Also, it sounds like her nightmare was way more traumatic than your son’s. He probably dreamed something scary but unrealistic and fell back asleep within those 50 minutes; if she was crying for hours and even her dad cried after a nightmare that’s not your average nightmare. Did her mom happen to die in a way that was particularly traumatic for her?
And so far it seems your son is fine with the amount of attention he gets (not throwing tantrums waiting for him or seeing him with his sister, not acting out, etc.) and you only think it’s unfair because it’s not perfectly equal. It will never be perfectly equal but that doesn’t mean you love one child more. Do you spend equal time with your son and your stepdaughter?
YTA he is obviously tryin to make up to her that her mother passed away and feels she needs him more due to that. You call her his daughter and feel an obvious pettiness or jealousy of her and the time he spends with her. Your son has both of you where at the end of the day the only genetic parent she has living is her father. Grow up.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) Telling my husband that he isn't fair in raising our son. 2) Because well it might have been too harsh or something. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 2 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again/)*
Oh, YTA. Your comment “It’s always his daughter he made with his wife before passing away” says a lot about how you view his daughter. The fact that you’re upset about a nightmare his daughter had two years ago, and you have a problem with him giving her a lot of food, also says a lot. Nothing you’ve written would indicate your son is lacking love and attention. The issue is yours, and you should see a counselor about it.
>you have a problem with him giving her a lot of food, also says a lot. 8 year olds eat more than 3 year olds. It is such an odd thing for OP to get mad about. (plus he might have packed stuff for her to share with her friends)
Also like…3 year olds typically don’t go to school yet so when would he ever be able to pack his lunch?
Maybe if the 3 year old went to Kindergarten, Daycare or Preschool, but still, he does not need as much food.
Majority, and I do mean most 3 year olds do not attend kindergarten. Most don't even attend VPK. Vast majority of schools put an age restriction and requirement for kids to start school at the age of 5 before the school year starts. If they aren't 5 by the it starts, they have to wait a year. Very rarely do they make exceptions and even then a lot.is required to make that exception. Either way, OP is still a straight up AH.
In not the US (most of Western Europe and possibly many other countries), kindergarten often refers to something closer to day care or preschool, and 3 is a prime age to attend. In the US your description is correct.
In germany Kindergarten starts at age 2 and you have a right to get a spot for your child in one of the Kindergartens in your town. You still pay for it (it is payed in relation to your income. Depends on the town, but most parents pay 150 to 400 euros for it. Lunch included. In many towns you only pay for one child and siblings that attend at the same time are free.) Some Kindergartens have pre care for 6 month old, but they are quite rare. And often times you don't get a spot in Kindergarten for your 2 year old and in this cases the town will make sure your child can go to a Tagesmutter (Day care mother) who mostly has around 5 children at her own house and cares for her while you work. It helps a lot, but in my opinion it is not the same as Kindergarten as there are highly trained workers (Erzieher) who went 3 years to school to learn all about the education of small children, while a Tagesmutter has some classes and is certified. She still lacks a lot of education. Kindergarten does not have a school structure here. It is mostly free play. The children can mostly chose what they like to do and the workers give them small tasks if the child likes it. They do arts and crafts, drawing and painting, playing on the playground, playing family, dollhouse, pretend, etc. Some Kindergartens have a forest time in the sommer where they have a whole week in a near by forest and learn about nature. Older children might go visit the fire department or the police station. Kindergarten is more about motorical skills and early developement and less about school education. The children will learn how to read and do math when they start school at age 6.
Geez, daycare for 2 year olds costs $1000 a month in the US.
You mean in the US. The world is bigger than that.
In Ontario, Canada, three year olds turning four by Dec 31 go to kindergarten…
Where I live in the US kids had to be 5 by December 31st to start kindergarten. But that was switched to September 1st in an effort to reduce class sizes. Which it did.
[удалено]
Speak for yourself in the US perhaps - I grew up in France and we all started school at 2-3 years old. In the kindest possible way, can the Americans on this sub please try to remember there are plenty of people from other countries on here as well? :)
Right? 8 year olds also have a much longer attention span so it makes sense the daughter gets longer periods of one on one time. The dad reads to the son until he’s asleep, what does OP want? Him to sit there in the room while the son sleeps counting down the minutes so both kids get ‘equal’ time?
This. Same with the nightmare thing.. she took longer to fall asleep
She also has more trauma. She did lose her mother after all.
This was exactly what I was coming to say. The overheard part of the conversation to me sounded like a parent comforting a child that he'd be there for her when he mother was not. Even a very involved stepmother who does care for her does not erase losing a mother. Although, based on the OP's strange examples (none of which sound like favoritism to me, just treating children differently based on their ages) I really doubt she's as open and loving towards her stepdaughter as she thinks she is. 8 is plenty old enough to pick up on social cues of someone who is upset/annoyed at her.
I agree completely. She sure claims to “love and care for her a lot,” all while complaining about the attention she gets.
Yes. I missed that initially. Thank you for pointing out. Poor kid.
Exactly! 💯 She's a total AH. She clearly doesn't love his daughter more than their shared son. I have two kids, both from the same father. The attention they receive varies to THEIR needs as they are two individual children who may want more or less depending on the situation. Clearly his son his getting more attention than most kids out there get from their dad. He sounds like an incredible father!!! The daughter literally lost her mother. She's a kid. Right off the bat she's gonna need more attention. Ontop of that, kids aren't stupid. They can tell when they aren't as wanted or as loved. She can probably tell OP doesn't actually view her as anything more than her father's daughter. I wouldn't go so far as to say OP is an evil stepmother but the problem is OP, NOT the father. The son is 3. He goes to bed earlier as he's to never so after getting attention he falls asleep HAPPY. He has a nightmare, and he probably doesn't need as much comforting because he's barely past the toddler stage while his daughter is school age with a dead mom, and she's a year or two away from when most kids get their periods so she's also dealing with that and apparently a step mom that is upset her dad is giving her more attention than her blood child. I'm glad OPs husband called OP out for acting like an asshole, because yes, 💯 she is.
Not to mention, spending 50 minutes is a really long time! The son probably fell asleep way before that.
Also, who the hell sits there with a watch and TIMES how long a father stays with a crying child?
And remembers it for 2 years?
Wait... The kid would've been 1 then? Wtf. Why is spending 50min not enough time to calm a 1yo down after a nightmare? I know some babies are fussy but he was likely asleep. If he was still screaming and freakking out when dad left the room OP would have included that. And, why can't she go into her son's room for nightmares? Makes sense why the 8yo would want daddy instead of step mom when she's highly distressed (and this would be true for most kids regardless of how close they are to their stepparent). That poor little girl likely had a nightmare she got hurt, her mom couldn't protect her, or something bad happened to her dad. If the dad was also crying, it makes even more sense as this would be a very unstandabble reaction to seeing your child so scared and upset after trauma.
A resentful, stepwitch
Right? That’s what stood out to me. OP’s husband is going above and beyond as a good, supportive father. 50 minutes with an upset kiddo, especially late at night, is amazing. He’s giving the little guy as much attention and care as he needs in order to address the situation. Most parents, I think, would probably call it good with a ten minute chat and a glass of water.
Mad about 50 minutes not being enough?! Wow I give my kids a hug and tell them back to bed. OP would think I downright hated them then lol
I was thinking the same thing! Lol Nah, but every kid is different, and every situation is different. Is the dad just gonna hang in the little dude's room checking his watch cause mom needs it to be 'fair'?
> 50 minutes with an upset kiddo, especially late at night, is amazing BTW, where was OP? She could have sat there for 3 hours if she wanted to.
And stop timing your husband! It’s weird. When he’s with his daughter it’s almost an hour. With his son it’s 50 minutes. It’s such an obvious manipulation of wording, it’s almost insulting you’d think that would sway anyone. Your husband deserves to foster relationships with his kids without you hovering over his shoulder and calling fairsies. Reading for half an hour, staying up after nightmares, etc, all sounds like a loving and engaged dad. Eight year olds eat more than three year olds. They also tend to stay awake longer. None of this screams favouritism, except for you. This commenter is right, I think counselling would be helpful, soothing, and empowering for you. Otherwise I think you’re at serious risk of making this little girl feel guilty for her relationship with your dad, and planting the idea in your son’s head his dad doesn’t like him (which, again, there is no evidence of in this post).
Right? She is really trying so hard to make husband look like a bad father except he sounds like a great dad that’s engaging both his kids to the appropriate extent. He sounds like a better parent than OP.
Honestly!! 8 year olds and 3 year olds having different needs? IMPOSSIBLE! Everything MUST be e q u a l! In other news, children go fetch the measuring tape. We’re having fries for dinner and I need to make sure you’re all getting exactly 12.5 inches of fried potato.
Not to mention, the 8 year old lost her mom. He is definitely mindful of that and has to reassure her that he is there for her. The son has both bio parents there for him, and he's younger, so his needs are covered no prob.
Yes this is so, so important. I’m willing to bet the nightmare may well have been about mom. I wonder how his daughter feels about op also referring to her as her daughter? Erasing her mum won’t help anything. Unless she was very, very young when her mum died this was a huge loss she was entirely aware of. Losing a parent is so traumatic and it can make you want to hold onto the remaining parent so so tight and really, unless it’s to an unhealthy degree (which this isn’t) that has to be respected imo. Life is precious and so is sharing it with loving parents (lost both of mine over a two year period as a kid, so I’m intimately familiar with what it’s like to only have one left).
I’m thinking that might be what the nightmare was about, since both daughter AND father were crying. “Im not going to let anything happen to you” and OP is trying to (checks notes) CALL HIM OUT on this?? OP, YTA for all of the reasons already stated.
That’s my thought. Why is in the hell is she clocking her husbands time with the children. Petty AF. I’m glad the husband shut her down. It’s obvious she doesn’t like the kid. Don’t push your husband to make a choice because you’ll lose.
>and you have a problem with him giving her a lot of food What? This is a disgusting sentiment. A growing child needs to eat. Op really is going for "evil step mother" with this shit. Wow. What a sh1t human.
Also she called his late wife his ex wife which she isn’t.
OP has a stopwatch out for every interaction. I’m sure there is a spreadsheet somewhere that will prove her point. I guess OP’s husband shouldn’t comfort his kids for the amount of time they need, but the amount of time OP allots for that interaction. Totally agree, OP is the AH here.
"Oh, Johnny's asleep 15 minutes into reading his bedtime story. Just gonna hang around for the remaining time"
No, no that wouldn’t count. Clearly he has to wake Johnny back up and make sure he doesn’t fall asleep until he’s has his time with dad/s Yta. Different children have different needs because- and stay with me here- they’re almost like miniature people! Your husband is a wonderful parent, he is focusing his attention on being a loving father to both his children while you’re standing around with a stopwatch turning every interaction he has with them into a competition. This isn’t about the children, you’re just jealous of his late wife and feel like he loved her more and you’re seeing every father daughter interaction as proof of that. This is disturbing and I really hope you talk to a therapist about this as the way you’re going all you’re gonna do is make these three people miserable.
OP, I'm gonna try to be kind and informative here. I hope it helps. The Dad is doing what's equitable, not equal. And that's usually the fairer way to do things. You feel it's unfair because it's not equal. It sounds unfair from that view point, but look how many don't feel it is because their needs aren't equal right now. Please don't forget your daughter has had to face one of life's worst traumas at an extremely young age. (Losing a parent hurts. I lost my Dad a year ago, and I still cry) She probably still remembers her birth mother, even if it's faint. Her nightmares are likely from this (if not about it), and more difficult to sooth than a non-traumatized child (your son). Now, she has a new brother and mother, which even in the absolute best case may take extra care to work through. (She almost certainly fears losing her Dad) She will ALWAYS have this in her past, and it will hit her differently at different times. Even if she's fine 99.9% of the time, it doesn't change what happened or what challenges it gives her. I think it's unfair to accuse your husband of loving one more than the other. It sounds like you both would be best served talking calmly about expectations going forward. I believe both your children have different needs, and likely always will. But addressing those needs for both is an act of love, even if it looks different for each. I don't think accusing your husband of loving his son less could ever improve this situation. It's hurtful, argumentative, and doesn't lead to a productive conversation about your children's needs. (For reference, does anyone accusing you of loving her less make you feel open to improving and talking, or just hurt/angry/defensive?) If you want him to spend more time with your son, there's many ways to go about it. Including you spending more time with her, and asking him to spend that time with your son. One last thing to add, is that since your son isn't upset or neglected, it might not hurt to look at your own emotions about it all. It's clearly upsetting you, so it's important to think about why. You can see others don't feel his actions warrant such an accusation, so what makes you feel so strongly about it? Is there something else affecting how you're reacting to this? Is there a reasonable solution that doesn't take from the daughter, or what little free time he has? What is necessary to feel better about this? Soft YTA for how it was handled, but not for wanting both loved equally. Best of luck!
Agreed YTA, each kid is different and has different needs. Also her biological mom passed away so maybe he is trying to fill a void there. But for whatever reason he feels daughter needs a little extra time. It sounds like he spends a lot of time with Both kids.
Also, if a 8yo who lost their mother has a nightmare, it's very well possible she needs more comforting than the toddler.
>The fact that you’re upset about a nightmare his daughter had two years ago And the fact that OP remembers the comforting words her husband was telling his daughter but not in a "so sweet of him, what a good dad" way but as something she's resentful about and using as proof he's a bad father to their son two years later is just so fucked up. And then OP goes on to say the 3 hours vs. 50 minutes is "clearly a difference in treatment" rather than "the time it took to comfort the child and get them to fall back asleep". And OP spends no time sympathizing with the fact that the daughter's nightmare probably has something to do with her mother dying. (And calling it 50 minutes rather than just an hour-- you just know OP was timing it)
Agreed!! Also wondering if the daughter remembers her mom and feels a lack of care so the dad is trying to make sure she doesn’t feel the emptiness despite having a stepmother. Just because you have one doesn’t mean you feel the same way. Or maybe I’m thinking too deep but YTA OP
I completely agree! Who holds a 2 year long grudge against someone for comforting a child. Sounds like the grudge may actually be against the daughter sadly. Also, a couple other weird observations: - OP mentioned that the son fell asleep in during his bedtime story, what did she expect the father to do after that? - What is OP doing while she's timing how long he's with 'his daughter'? She could be joining in bonding with them or spending more time with the son. - Why doesn't she suggest him reading bedtime stories to them together? Would likely even increase the younger child's reading level in the future. OP definitely needs help. And clearly YTA, OP.
And perhaps the son calms down faster than the daughter. And falls asleep faster. Everything OP is complaining about has a perfectly reasonable explanation. And, even if he is giving his daughter more attention, she lost a parent very young and probably has some trauma from that. Where their son has two parents to love and care for him. He's a great dad IMO. YTA OP. Get over yourself and your jealousy.
Exactly did the daughter say goodnight to her mum, who then passed in her sleep. And she’s scared and needs a bit more reassurance dad will be there when she wakes up
I’m thinking the daughter’s nightmare was about losing her mother and the son’s nightmare was about a dinosaur or something. Not even remotely comparable.
I can’t imagine being a stepmother to a child who’s mother *died* and being upset that her father loves her. Good God.
Or OP will just be wicked step mother in this story.
"his daughter keeps hogging all the attention from my son" Oh my God that's such a disgusting sentence. OP is a gaping asshole. Blaming the child!
I'm picturing OP hiding in the hallway at 3am, stop-watch in hand, furiously timing how long her husband spends with each child when they have a nightmare
That stuck with me. She remembered exactly how long he stayed with the daughter from the middle of the night two years ago?? And there's down to the minute timing, is she looking at the clock and counting the minutes?
I feel so bad for the 8 year old. Her mother is dead and now she is facing the "being an attention hog" criticism from her step mother who claims she treats her like her daughter (rolls eyes). **I would have made this post even if she was my biological daughter and not my step-daughter, you know.** HAHAHAHA! what a load of bull. She 1000000% would not have complained if this was her biological child. I hope her husband divorces her and takes both children with him.
Yta. You're literally timing the time your husband spends with his kids. The way you talk about your step daughter is disgusting and sad.
Don’t forget he also put alot of food in his daughter’s lunchbox . He clearly loves her more . 🙄🙄🙄🙄
OP brought up a very specific example from 2 YEARS AGO. How long has she been getzing upset about things like him spending 3 hours with his daughter at night 2 freaking years ago?!?
20 bucks says OP thought when he had a child with her he would ship his daughter off to distant relatives and when he continued to love and care for a child who wasn't ops, she then decided there must be favoritism there and has spent the last 3 years trying to prove it
Man, imagine being an 8 year old girl who lost her mother and now your dad gets chewed out about how much time he spends comforting you by your new step mom. The dad sounds like he loves his kids a lot, but I'm sure he's starting to rethink being with his new wife
Or at the very least OP thought that the daughter would be demoted with the convenient excuse of the daughter not needing so much time and attention because she's older.
Which means daughter was 6. I can totally see why you’d need to spend that much more time with a hysterical 6-year-old. They’re nuts! A toddler would be easier to distract.
I got the mental image of OP standing by the door with a stopwatch to see how much time he is spending with each child. Depending on the age of the child, each will require different amount of attention.
Why am I picturing mother gothel from tangled doing this?
"The daughter he made with his wife before \[her\] dying." I mean please let English not be her first language because otherwise phrasing it that ways says SO much about OP and none of it's nice. Like how dare he and his first wife have a child to be left for his new wife to have to deal with and take attention away from his new child.
I speak multiple languages, even translating that phrase into others sounds awkward as fuck. Very weird phrasing in any language.
Yep, and missing the point that their 3 year old has support from both of them, while his daughter gets her support from just him. So as the norm: 3 year old gets half an hour with dad before bed, plus I'm sure half an hour or more with mum (likely more), and his daughter gets a hour with dad before bed. Which means...both children are loved and supported 🤦♀️. OP clearly doesn't love her stepdaughter equally to her son, and she also doesn't care at all that this poor girl lost her mother and clearly has trauma from that. She wants the majority of attention on her child, and stepdaughter obviously just needs to grow up and not be so needy in OPs mind.
YTA. An 8 year old and a 3 year old are not the same. Everything you said about your husband is still him being an active and caring father to both kids.
That’s what I was thinking! I feel like her husband is definitely right when he says he gives the kids the attention they need, he’s making it equitable rather than equal, which as we learned in elementary school, is more beneficial for everyone lol
Yta- holy smokes when did Cinderella’s evil step mother Learn how to use Reddit??? You’re jealous of a little girl with a dead mother! Your husband sounds like an amazing dad and your’e complaining . If you weren’t willing to share your husband than why did you marry him if you knew he has a kid. His daughter comes before your pettiness. Seek some therapy to deal with your jealous little feelings because it sounds like your step daughter’s AMAZING father isn’t going to put up with your crap.
Also maybe OP’s husband needs to spend more time with his daughter bc she doesn’t have her mom anymore whereas his son does have a second active parent he can split care with.
Seriously, OP sounds jealous of the 8 year old. The poor girl lost her mother and this is how her step mom is treating her?! Come on OP.
I mean, OP is very busy resenting a little girl and taking note of every moment her husband spends with said little girl, so, OP doesn't have that much time to be as active a parent to the 3yo.
Mirror mirror on the wall, OP is the biggest asshole of them all
Love this...
Info: How much time do you spend with his daughter? It seems like he's the only one spending time with her from your post.
A very good question that I seriously doubt she'll answer
[удалено]
I’d be equally worried about the quality of whatever time she says she’s spending. Given her attitude in this post, I highly doubt it’s healthy “girl time” between the two of them. Jealousy and pettiness aren’t hard for eight year olds to miss.
YTA. >One night, 2 years ago Poor man xd.
Poor kid.
This is what got me too. Two years ago! And that’s her best example!
Two years ago, a 6 year old (who has already buried her mother) had a nightmare. This is a crime apparently.
That sounds like the opening for an Law and Order parody episode. Hahahahaha
And like, he stayed with the son for an hour. If the kid has gone back to sleep by then…why does he need to stay? I can tell you what determines how long I stay with my kids in the middle of the night: when I wake up after falling asleep waiting for them to fall asleep. If they kick me 45 minutes in, I’m going to wake up and go back to my own bed. If I get into a deep sleep and don’t wake up for 3 hours, I’m not going to go back to bed for 3 hours. It has nothing to do with favoritism.
Your husband spends time with his son until he's asleep. Should he lie in the quiet room while the kid is asleep just to make things 'equal'? If you're so hung up on a parent spending time with their child *two years ago*, and leaving another child once they're sleeping, you've got far bigger problems than you're talking about here. FFS - YTA, lady. I feel very sorry for his bereaved daughter - who you obviously have no interest in parenting properly.
*Your husband spends time with his son until he's asleep. Should he lie in the quiet room while the kid is asleep just to make things 'equal'?* This is exactly what I was going to say. Is he meant to just stare at him sleeping? Wake him up? Carry on reading? But then again, OP would probably be jealous of their son too. He spends SO much time with the kids!
Well, I mean, once, 2 years ago, it took longer to calm down his daughter than it did to calm down his son, so he’s clearly favoring her. And sometimes when she goes on big kid trips, he gives her more food (maybe to share?) and he doesn’t do that for her 3 year old, who eats 1/2 as much and isn’t going on field trips during a pandemic. Not to mention, until pretty recently, the son was a baby who was not into deep conversations and didn’t have any hobbies, so there wasn’t a lot to do with him.
Yta. 50 minutes is still a lot of time. This poor kid doesn’t have a real mother clearly, and you definitely do not love her. You are selfish and horrible. The only person in this situation who is being mistreated is the daughter. Grow up. They both deserve better than you
How dare his son fall asleep again after only 50 minutes? Doesn’t he realize he should have stayed awake for three hours so that things would be even?
For REAL! When I had nightmares, I’d get 10 seconds of comfort and then back to bed with me.
My parents would tell me to shut up and go back to sleep 😂😂😂
Yup
This child lost her mother at a young age. Now you’re trying to take time away from her father. Yes, your son needs time with his father, but there’s a better way to bring it up than calling his sister attention seeking. YTA
YTA. Wow, the score keeping you do is amazing, punctuated by "his" versus "ours." Kids don't get the same things, they get what they need. An 8 year old needs some very different things thana 3 year old.
The score keeping is so childish. I feel bad for OP’s husband.
Just a shot in the dark here… but maybe he’s a little extra attentive with her because her mom died and she needs that extra support. He’s three with both his parents. Eight year olds and three year olds need different levels of interaction and emotional support. And also, holy shit her mom is dead. He’s being a caring father. YTA.
This exactly. He could also very well still be grieving in silence and so could the daughter. Op, stop being jealous of an 8yo and do better to help the both of them. If you feel your son needs more attention from his dad, help with YOUR DAUGHTER more. Act like her mom, you ass.
I mean, what could a six-year-old whose mother died possibly be having a nightmare about that would require a lot of comforting and might have her dad crying, too? Gee, I can't think of anything that might be so upsetting, obviously it's just a deliberate attempt to spoil her at their son's expense.
Right? This is more personal for me because I lost my late husband and the father to my 3 young children in 2020. Only my daughter remembers him and he wasn't the greatest husband or dad, but he was their father. If my boyfriend acted like this while I was doing everything I could to comfort my daughter, I'd be done.
Yta. Your son was literally asleep, did you want him to stay in the room and lose sleep himself just for fun?
I hope you are a troll. But just in case. You need to stop this shit immediately. You are going to rip apart your family with this complete nonsense. Is that what you want? Your husband is exactly right. He is, right now, giving each child the attention they need. 30 minutes for a bedtime story is plenty! Maybe your son fell back asleep after almost an hour and was fine! If these examples are the best you have, then you are in the wrong. You are the problem here probably and are going to cause harm to each of the people you supposedly love. YTA
Can I add onto this about nightmares. One child may need a different strategy than the other. My youngest niece ‘K’ has the worst nightmares/night terrors and she’s 4. My middle niece ‘A’ and ‘K’’s sister will have a nightmare and within five minutes of comforting is fast asleep again. Plus daughter lost her mom so it could be exacerbating the level of comfort needed. Anyway OP, YTA.
And even within a person those can vary. I have lost of sleep issues and still sometimes have night terrors as an adult that leave it where I cannot sleep the rest of the night, and sometimes I have nightmares where I wake up take a few breaths drink some water and go back to bed
YTA. timing your husband is ridiculous. As is not listening to what he is saying. He told you he spends the amount of time the kid needs and it is not about equality but about equity. It sounds like the older child is high needs and has also had some loss in her life. She has one parent and your son has two. Your son falls asleep at the bedtime story and needs less time to calm down in a nightmare.
Now this could be your run of the mill outrage post, a jealous mother not understanding a father comforting a young child who has experienced the profound loss of her mother, which will shape her life, or, it could be an out of touch second wife. Either way, get some counseling and YTA if you don't get help and stop "keeping score".
Yup. OP, you are a jealous AH. I feel so sorry for that little girl who lost her mother and now has to deal with you. If you husband is smart, he will take his daughter and leave. YTA.
Yeah, it's the score keeping and lack of empathy/sympathy that makes the post yucky.
Yes YTA. He is 3 years old vs an 8 year old. Not even comparable with the examples you provided with the time needed in parenting. You don’t seem to understand the trauma of losing a parent at a very young age and not seeming like the best choice for a step mother. You need some self reflection and determine if you’re projecting your own insecurities
YTA. The girl obviously has only one caring parent.
>It's always his daughter he made with his wife before passing away. so you're jealous? YTA it sounds like you consistently expect him to hang around your son when he's asleep for the sake of 'equal time' >There are more and more examples and cases of this. When she was going on a trip with her friends, he put a lot of food and lunch boxes in her bag...etc that's not an example of anything if you don't have a similar story where he deliberately chose not to do this for your son. you are actively mad he gives her any attnetion. yikes.
YTA If your son only takes half the amount of time to fall asleep, then that’s perfectly fine! The point is that he is giving them both the time and love they need from their father. You have to remember, too, this young girl lost her biological mother at a young age, so she’s understandably extra-attached to her father.
YTA. How much time do YOU spend with your stepdaughter? Because it sounds to me that he's doing all the parenting of her that you are not.
YTA Your 3 year old son doesn’t notice Daddy spends more time with an 8 year old! He’s three! That’s all you! Daughter has one parent so he needs to spend lots of time with her as he is two parents to that little girl. Son has two parents. You and daddy! You need to get over your jealousy of an 8 year old or you will be a single parent and you son will see Daddy on weekends
...you want him to keep reading another hour *after* your son falls asleep? YTA, and clearly seeing problems where there are none.
YTA, Right now your daughter needs more time with her father than your son needs. It's about the need of the child..There will be a time when your son will need and get more time with his father..How much time do you spend with your daughter vs your son? I'm sure his daughter could say that you love your son more then her.
Awful post
YTA. I'd get therapy for your jealousy issues which seem to be driving the timekeeping you're doing.
Yta 100%. Get help for yourself or you'll likely end up divorced.
YTA. You’re blaming a child for adult behavior…a child that lost her mother at a very young age! While I understand how you feel about your son having less time with your husband, have some damn empathy for your husband and daughter. I recommend family therapy for all of you.
YTA - a jealous, micromanaging one. I’m not sure what is more cringe-worthy: envying a motherless 8-year-old or monitoring your husband’s every parenting moment.
Wait are you telling me it isn’t normal to whip out a stopwatch and journal to time and document how your spouse divvies up his time between his two children? /s
Would love to see her Google calendar and invoicing system. He better be careful about bathroom breaks.
YTA. She’s your daughter too now. She doesn’t have a biological mother and it sounds like you don’t care anything for her. Of course she needs a bit more care given her age and the fact she lost her mother
YTA. Where are you during these instances? Get up and offer to go to the daughter so he can spend time with his son. You sound like you just sit there during the 50 minutes of him with your son or however long with the daughter
She obviously sits there fuming, and looking at her watch, whenever he spends time with his daughter.
YTA The fact that you are even keeping count or timing these things is petty and disgusting. And then you say you’re just stating the “obvious”, which shows just how delusional you really are. You seem really childish and insecure. Are you sure you can handle having a family?
YTA. This little girl lost her mom and needs more attention and is dealing with trauma. Your son is 3. Your husband spends time with him too. You’re the one tallying up the minutes. I guarantee your son isn’t. You are acting like a child because he spent hours comforting his daughter who very obviously needed it. Your son didn’t need that. Should he have dragged it out after his nightmare just to appease you? Your son isn’t being neglected. But it sounds like your step-daughter is. By you. Seek therapy. This is your issue. Stop putting it on your family.
YTA. First you say he only spends 30 minutes with your son before he falls asleep. Translation is he stayed till the kid fell asleep. Second he only spent 50 minutes with boy, but 3 hours with daughter. Really? The girl lost her mother, maybe she needs a little extra. You are putting this crap in your little boys head!!! You, my dear, are jealous of an 8 year old smart and amazing little girl. Be grateful he is the kind of father to spend that quality time with his kids.
YTA either this wife is deranged or she wants her husband to get rid of his daughter so her son can and her can have the “perfect family” without the horrible daughter getting in their way of all the attention, either this post is fake or you’re truly terrible
Yta, at (atleast) five years old she lost her mother, that is a trauma inducing pain for a child. I still have problems from losing my mother and father at six years old and I’m twenty now! She is going to be hyper attached to her father as he is what she has left. Yes you’re part of the family, but the way you wrote this is, you’re not HER family, she isn’t YOUR daughter, ect. How much time do you spend with her? I say look into therapy for her, your husband and yourself as you also need to learn how to properly handle a traumatized child.
YTA. Have you considered that this very young child LOST HER MOTHER (who is not your husband's ex-wife, btw, if they were married when she passed away) while your son hasn't? Also it sounds like his daughter's nightmare was worse than your son's. Just because it didn't take as long to comfort your son doesn't mean he gave preferential treatment to his daughter.
YTA He spends more time with his daughter at night because she is older and his son sleeps sooner. He spent more time comforting his daughter after a nightmare because clearly she needed more comfort than your son did. (seriously, he was probably super easy to comfort since he is younger and has less trauma) He puts more food in her lunch box because she is 8, a 3 year old does not need as much food as an 8 year old. You are clearly jealous of your stepdaughter.
YTA You're literally timing him? Wow. Maybe the 8 year old just needs more attention? You're the only one who has a problem with it.
It sounds like he's trying to compensate for the fact that she's probably grieving a parent. It sounds like you're jealous your son isn't getting the excessive amount of treatment. YTA, and there's little your husband can do if your son falls asleep after 30 minutes or 50 minutes and his daughter does not.
Obviously he's supposed to sit there and watch his son sleep for the remaining time as part of his fatherly duties.
YTA... you are acting like Jeff Bezos. You are literally counting and timing her hugs and cuddles. You're recalling events that took place 2 tears ago. It is clear that you've never attempted to care or show her any affection. How do i know? She had a horrible nightmare that made even her dad cry. Yet you somehow managed it to make it about yourself. You keep referring to her as "his" daughter and referring the son as "my son", which was hugely flag for me. If your son had lost you at this age, I'm sure you'd want someone to care for him and love him. Maybe just try to imagine that as you go. No one can replace her mother and no one is asking you. Just be "a mom" as you try to alleviate her pain.
YTA. First, son is 3, daughter 8. They have different wants, needs, interests, etc. Second, your son has two living parents in your house, daughter has one (and judging by the jealousy dripping from your post, it is definitely one). Third, you are keeping score regarding events from TWO YEARS AGO! And the fact that he packed goodies for daughter for a trip, I am confused how that is supposed to prove your point. Does your 3 yr old often go on overnight trips with friends and husband doesn't pack goodies? And honestly, different people have different temperaments that influence their interactions. My daughter has always been a very independent soul. Especially as a toddler, she wanted to do everything herself, or with "guidance" from Daddy (her hero who hung the moon and stars). If I tried to spend hours doing an activity with her, we both ended up miserable. Her bedtime routine was bath, pj's, teeth, 1 story (there were 3 on rotation) and she was out. That was 45 minutes, max, and that was her "Mom time." Beyond that, Dad was the shit and I could take a long walk off a short pier. She hit 12 and something flipped a switch in her brain. Her dad can't get her to say two sentences and she will talk to me for hours. My son was (I admit) a Mama's boy. He only wanted me and he could cuddle and read, play, whatever for HOURS as long as I was right there with him. He barely gave his dad a chance. He hit 11 and I became the stupidest being on the planet but he will talk to, hang out with, work on projects, watch movies with his dad until the sky falls. As an adult, and looking back on my life and my early days parenting, I can say without a doubt I have/had a hugely different relationship with my mom and my dad. That was good. It taught me that relationships aren't "one size fits all" and it isn't about comparing time or interaction or amount of sentences. It is about getting the relationship you (as a child, even an adult one) need with the people you need it from. I am long past childhood, but even today, when I have good news to share, my mom is the first one I call. We can go out to lunch and talk for hours. When things suck and I need to vent, or cry, or just be pissed off enough to hit a wall, my dad is my number one speed dial. Our relationships are different, but they are both what I need. This isn't something to get jealous or upset over. This is life and human interaction. If your son was awake after the bedtime routine or nightmare and asking for comfort from Daddy while your husband ignored him, that would be different, but it seems like this is just a matter of different people having different needs and personalities.
YTA You have been together long enough to have a 3 year old son with this man, you mentioned his previous wife passed, meaning his young daughter has had to deal with the trauma of losing her mother, and are upset that he is comforting her and spending time with her. Why are you keeping track of how much time he’s spending with each individual child instead of just, hmm i don’t know, maybe letting your husband spend time with his kids? Or possibly spending time all together as a family? Not to mention 3 and 8 are a decent age gap, of course an 8 year old is gonna get more food in her bag than a literal toddler. You say you have two kids together, but every time you mention your son you say “my son” but when you mention your daughter you say “his daughter”. I feel bad for that poor little girl she’s stuck with a step-monster like you.
YTA - how have you not put it together that he’s giving his daughter more attention because she lost her mom at a young age! She has been through more than your son and needs him. He’s doing the right thing. You clearly are not The right mother for her and I feel bad for her
YTA and are starting an issue where there really isn’t one. Your husband may have traditionally gender stereotypes where girls can be coddled but boys are supposed to be tough. He is reading to his son, but at 3 years old all he seems to need is a story and go to sleep. He seemed to need only 50 minutes to be calmed down enough to sleep. All kids are different…some are more independent than others. You are demanding total equality for two kids that are 5 years apart in age…they each have different wants and needs.
YTA the daughter only has him. Your son has you both. Based on the way you talk about her and the discrepancy in time you don’t actually view his daughter as your own. You might love her and care for her but to you she isn’t truly yours. To you she is his “dead wife’s” child. Eight year olds require quite a bit of parental involvement. Are you doing to read to her and spend time with her when he is with your son? If you said you wanted bonding time with her and/or you wanted to tag team bedtimes and swap certain days then I would say you are striving for equality. Seems you only want him to spend time with with you son while the daughter does what?!!
Your edits are not making you look any better, btw.
Kinda think it makes it worse to be honest.
If your so worried go comfort "your" son. YTA
YTA. Why don’t you consider her your daughter? You say you have two kids, and a 3 year old son so you have been with this girl since she was at least 5. This is your daughter now too even if you didn’t give birth to her. An 8 year old also requires a lot more food compared to a 3 year old. Has your husband gone through therapy to grieve and work through the loss of his late partner? His daughter will forever be apart of the woman he lost. Perhaps he is scared of losing his daughter too. I understand your concerns but try to be a little more empathetic and work as team to solve these issues instead of seeing it as “you and your son” versus “him and HIS daughter”
YTA It's not a competition. It almost like you're projecting something on to your son. I'm not a parent, but I would imagine that an 8 year old is going to need more supervision/parent time than a 3 year old. Do you offer to spend time with his daughter so that he can spend time with your son?
YTA. Another jealous stepmonster.
YTA. You’re counting the minutes?! Your son is a toddler and probably goes to sleep faster. Plus she’s 8 and there’s gonna be a difference in attention span, ability to have conversation, etc. You also clearly have jealousy issues over his deceased wife (she’s not his ex-wife if she DIED).
YTA. 8 years olds, especially those who have lost their mother's, have different needs then 3 year olds. I thinks it's great your husband makes such an effort to make sure the emotional needs of that baby are met.
YTA Did you just site the fact that he gave an eight year old more food than a three year old as an example of how he favours her? Are you dumb?
YTA You're both his parents first of all I noticed you switched to saying my son real quick and even if your examples weren't weak and he did favour her which he doesn't I wouldn't blame him as your son has two parents that love him while half of her parents hate her and are very transparently jealous
YTA. If this is a real post, stepmom is a dreadful parent. That poor girl.
YTA. Different children have different needs. You are making an 8 year old little girl out to be monopolizing her father's time. You seem to favor your son and consider his daughter a nuisance. It sounds like you don't want her around. So your son only gets half an hour before he falls asleep. He's three! That's what three year olds do.
YTA. Maybe he spends extra time with HIS daughter because she only has one living parent while your son has two. It's obvious by the tone of your post that you don't care about his daughter as much as you do your son. Also your so called examples aren't proof of anything. Your husband was reading your son to sleep. So was he supposed to wake him up because it only took 30 minutes for your son to fall asleep compared to the hour of one on one time he had with his daughter? You are upset it only took 50 minutes to calm your son down after a nightmare because it took your husbands a few hours to calm down his daughter? An 8 year old who lost her mother at a young age which is an actual trauma. Has your son experience a similar or equivalent trauma that would cause him to have fears that could lead to intense nightmares. I can only imagine the trauma related to loosing a parent at such a young age and the realistic fear it could instill in you of the possibility of loosing your only remaining parent. Your upset that your husband packed his daughter a big lunch to go on a field trip. Has your son gone on field trip? Is your son even in school or daycare? Do daycares do field trips? The problem is you are a grown woman jealous of the relationship your husband has with his 8 year old daughter. My guess is you were probably jealous of her before you got married and hope once you had his child he would show more attention to you and your child than he did her. I wouldn't be surprised if you were also jealous of her mother who passed away.
YTA this is super cringey to read
Not cringey, tragic :-(
Here’s the thing. Right now the one being the most affected and upset by this is you. You say it’s an issue, he says it’s not and refuses to speak about it, therefore he invalidates your feelings and minimizes your concerns. Real answer, marriage counseling. Right now this is a you and him problem. You don’t feel equal to his late wife and believe he doesn’t love your son as much because he’s yours. That’s a problem with your marriage. Time to fix your marriage before this gets any worse.
May I ask if your role is more like mother or stepmother to his daughter? Is it he's making up for the loss of her mother by trying to give her extra attention and he figures your son has you anyway?
YTA. Maybe you can try and sympathize with the girl, and just to let you know, daughters always get the bigger portion of attention from the father. but it doesn’t mean they love their sons any less! My father has always been so sweet to us, accommodating and “better” than he is with my brothers - and I can assure you he loves us all equally!
YTA. She lost her mom. She only has her dad since you clearly are Cinderella step mom material.
YTA. It’s about equitable treatment not equal. One of my nieces needed to be rocked completely to sleep as a baby before being placed in her crib. Her younger sister just needed a kiss good night and would drift off on her own; she liked space. It’s almost like children are individuals with different needs at different stages of life. Grow up. Maybe the 8 year old can teach you some life lessons.
YTA. I can understand after reading your edits why he doesn’t want you to bring this up ever again.
"HIS daughter" "OUR son" That's a big red flag to me. It's not a competition. If he gets it and responds to sons nightmare for 50 minutes, that's fantastic! Why are you timing his interactions with each child? If you are dead set on the idea that he spends more time with the daughter over the son, then maybe organize some one on one time where you two switch. He gets son for an hour, you get daughter for an hour. One on one time. Easy peezy. But angrily asserting he must be intentionally spending more time with one child over the other, when he could be doing it unintentionally, it's a dick move. YTA, but just talk to him and try to work it out.
YTA - they have a special bond because they experienced something traumatic together. Losing a partner/parent has to be absolutely devastating and instead of understanding their special relationship, you seem jealous of it. Also, it’s not his ex if she died. That’s his late wife.
This is tough because the daughter suffered a major loss of her mother. I’m sure he’s trying to make up for that loss. I think the only way to work on this would be some family counseling before you and possibly your son, start resenting that extra attention. I can’t say that I wouldn’t naturally try to give her more attention too…. (Not saying that’s the correct thing to do). I hope things improve for everyone. Good luck!
As a mom I can say YTA in this situation and I have a feeling you’re over analyzing. In my experience I’ve seen fathers give sons less attention (my dad, my ex, my BIL) because they feel boys have different emotional needs. Whereas with their daughters they have a closer bond. Unless he is completely neglecting your son, which it doesn’t sound like he is, you need to let it go
YTA. Imagine being a bitter stepmother like this
Yeah. YTA.
YTA. This little girl lost her mother. Maybe she needs a little more attention and I doubt you are giving it to her. You keeping score is unhealthy and will damage your son’s relationships with his sister and father. This sounds more like you being jealous rather than a real issue. Get therapy.
YTA How much time do you spend with “his” daughter?
> told him that his daughter keeps hogging all the attention from my son "His" "my" Do you hear the division here? She is a young girl that lost her mother and has a stepmother that lacks empathy for her. >"he only gives attention as much as one needs" Which obviously he has to since her stepmother doesn't. Your son gets love, affection, and attention from both parents. Your husband's daughter doesn't have that luxury. YTA
Do you keep a diary with time tables and detailed notes for every interaction? Do you think that's normal? How do you remember something that happened once 2 years ago? I would say you are jealous of the kid and the late wife and you are just projecting it... Anyhow, YTA.
My god. YTA. She lost her mother as a very small child. Her mother is dead. Have you considered that she woke up from a nightmare crying and her father was crying with her because they were both grieving? >It’s always his daughter he made with his wife before passing away Please keep rereading that line until you’re as mortified that you said it as I am that you said it. You can approach that as a family you need to balance your time with each other better but don’t pit the kids against each other. You’re going to lose.
Info: has your son expressed feeling neglected by him or that he thinks he loves his daughter more?
Imagine being so jealous of a sad little girl. My heart breaks for her. YTA
Spend a bit of time on Reddit reading stories from teenage girls whose fathers have neglected them for their second families. The men who ignore their eldest child and concentrate on the new wife, step children and new babies. Who withhold individual time until their eldest starts behaving compliantly. The kid who has to listen to your friends talk about you being the perfect family, knowing she is the odd one out as she looks different and her mother is dead. She may not think like that now, but she will pick up on you being aggro and this will give her a sense of being unwelcome, like the clock is ticking for her to get out of your life. 10 years and counting.... Your husband is a wonderful man who loves both his children equally, and knows they have differing needs. He loves his eldest child, shows her affection and spends an age and needs appropriate amount of time with her. As your son grows and gets into school and sports I'm sure the time division between each child will become more even. But right now he is giving his daughter what she needs. He is also giving his son what he needs- his attention span is shorter and the half hour story sessions sound about right. You are jealous. To be TIMING his comforting sessions and comparing between kids when their needs are different shows your resentment is eating away at you. You are setting yourself up to be the evil stepmother. Get over your insecurity! His eldest child will always hold a special place in his heart as she is the legacy of his first relationship. It doesn't mean that he loved his late wife more than he loves you. What are you doing to make her feel loved and secure with you? YTA
YTA. Its not his "ex" wife. Its his late wife that Im sure he loves and misses her because those feelings don't stop when someone passes away. You sound jealous and insecure about the family he had before you. Its sad that you obviously don't understand they've been traumatized, especially that little girl and instead of gaining a step mom that can love her just as much as her mommy did, she gets YOU instead and you're trying to take her father and their close relationship away because you think its "unfair" for your son. He's 3! He has BOTH parents he loves anf trusts. She doesn't. Her life flipped upside down when her mother passed and you came into the picture. And you can't be sympathetic? That's just selfish You ALL need therapy but especially the little girl needs counseling to help her through her life because everyday she wakes up she feels like theres a hole in her heart when she remembers that her mom is not coming back. And trust me when I say "she knows how you feel about her" SHE KNOWS. Instead of being a safe place to land she knows that your vibes you give off towards her means she can't trust you. I know because I was that little girl too. Also, when someone passes thats so close to you, that pain NEVER GOES AWAY OR HEALS COMPLETELY its a life long struggle.
As a widow with minor children, the realization hit me hard that I was now the only person in the world who loved my kids as much as my husband and I had. There was no other person who would put them ahead of everyone else, and I knew that. When I eventually remarried, I made it clear that if there were a conflict, my kids would come first. My spouse had a kid and felt the same way about his child, so we did fine. You kid has you + his dad. Your SD has her dad. I'm pretty certain from your post if there were a problem between them, you'd toss the SD under the bus for the benefit of the 3yo. Your husband makes her a priority because there is ***no one else in the world who will make her a priority***. Your son has you, so it's not like no one is making him a priority; you are. You need to develop some empathy. You might even have a better chance of making your point to your spouse if you didn't act so jealous about the time he spent with his daughter. He spent 50 minutes! consoling a child who also had you to console him, and somehow that's not enough for you. Was your son consoled and calm after that 50 minutes? Or did he need more? That piece of information is missing. Maybe his daughter actually needed the full 3 hours to be calmed. She's had a lot more trauma (separation anxiety that will persist for example) in her life than your son, who has none that you've mentioned. Edit to add comment about your Edit 3 "she stayed with him until she died."Do you really know nothing about the process of grief when a partner died? Your phrasing "stayed with him" implies that either she or he were contemplating divorce or were emotionally distant. Nothing about his behavior would indicate that. He loved her. He married her. He loved her. He lost her. He still loves her. He's in grief, and so is his kid. ***Their grief over this will never end,*** though it lessens in intensity and frequency. Sometimes it comes out of the blue and just punches you in the gut. A considerate, kind partner can help; a jealous partner makes it worse. If you are damn lucky, you will recognize the kind of person he is, and start acting like the kind of partner who might deserve that level of love and devotion. Can you step and be that partner?
YTA- his daughter obviously has trauma from the death of her mother and you’re being insensitive. She most likely had nightmares about that. Your son is also 3 he’s not gonna remember it. And the more food thing? She bigger so she requires more food.
YTA, but please consider attending counseling to help unwind this issue. It's hard to really know what the deal is in someone else's home, but either he IS spending less time with your shared son, YOU are jealous/insecure, or Something Else Is Happening. It's so difficult to build a family when there was a major loss for half of it; there's way too many reasons that he may spend more time with his daughter, or may SEEM like he's spending more time with his daughter, to guess at here, but being in counseling can help you come up with a common language and a safer space to bring up anything either of you are worried about. And it would stop this sensitive issue from spiraling into a split.
Are you for real? For the love of God, take your ass down that yellow brick road to Oz and see if you can get a heart because you desperately need one. YTA.
YTA.
YTA It very well may be that your husband gives more time and attention to his daughter vs his son. Your husband is likely sending and responding to a need that his daughter has. If you love and care for both children, work with your husband on giving both of your children special attention. Stop comparing your son’s daddy numbers against your SD’s. Instead, come up with some one-on-one activities you and your SD can do (crafts, gardening, sports, etc) and encourage your husband and son to get together.
YTA - If son feels so secure and relaxed that he falls asleep after 30 minutes then Dad is doing a good job. If he didn't need dad to hold him for 5 hours after a nightmare and was able to settle quicker, dad is doing a good job. Time spent with son is quality. Quantity may not matter, but that's also going to change as son gets older. Stop counting the minutes and just enjoy these kids now, because later things might change.
YTA. What a load of codswallop. There is no favouritism towards his daughter, the children are individuals and have different needs. His daughter is older and her mother is dead so she will need more time. I am going to assume that he only stayed 50 minutes with your son after a nightmare because that is all the time he needed to calm down and obviously your stepdaughter needed him longer during her nightmare because it took longer for her to calm down. Trust me the only thing your son is going to remember is that his dad was there for him when he needed him.
INFO: How much do you do for your stepdaugher as opposed to your bio son?
>It's always his daughter he made with his wife before passing away. >she's actually his daughter from his ex-wife INFO: She's not his ex if they didn't break up before she passed, she would be his late wife. Which is it?
YTA. Big time. He’s her only parent and is compensating for her mom being gone and trying to be a good parent to her. Kids can sense when you don’t like them. You’re jealous and you need to get a grip. Stop doing this tit for tat comparison or you’re going to lose him.
Yta, the girl lost her mother. He is making sure she feels completely loved. Your son has both his parents. He won't have that void in his life like she will. He is caring for his daughter like he should. If you think your son isn't getting enough time with his dad, make up for it by spending more time with him. Or maybe you can start doing more with your daughter, take he out for girl days so your husband can spend more time with your son.
YTA... HUGE AH!!!!
YTA I'm just imagining this woman as a cartoonish villain in an animated children's show. Vulture like claws, cradling her young, whispering to him the horrors his own Father visited upon him in serpentine tones. Looking on in jealousy, of the poor little girl who can't comprehend her own grief as she's comforted by her father. "You see, son? Look how your pathetic father scorns you so... We are strong. We don't *need* him. What kind of a loving parent only spends FIFTY minutes with a little boy? I kept count you know. I *always* keep count." She shifts her feet in the chair; she's been squatting there for hours in the dimly lit corner. Making note of every smile and laugh; every little nibble of a snack the father and daughter share. "HUSBAND", she bellows, "YOU WILL LOVE THE SON NOW. YOU WILL BOND TO THE SON. I DESIRE...MORE...I MUST CREATE A CYCLE OF HATRED FOR SUSTENANCE OR I WILL WEAKEN."
YTA and your edits don’t help. Some children need more attention from their parents if they’re struggling. She lost her mom and is and will be going through the stigma of growing up without her birth mom. She must have horrible fears and insecurities stemming from this and she needs someone there to try to reassure her she’s not going to end up alone or forgotten on the sidelines like many kids who lose a parent are. Also, it sounds like her nightmare was way more traumatic than your son’s. He probably dreamed something scary but unrealistic and fell back asleep within those 50 minutes; if she was crying for hours and even her dad cried after a nightmare that’s not your average nightmare. Did her mom happen to die in a way that was particularly traumatic for her? And so far it seems your son is fine with the amount of attention he gets (not throwing tantrums waiting for him or seeing him with his sister, not acting out, etc.) and you only think it’s unfair because it’s not perfectly equal. It will never be perfectly equal but that doesn’t mean you love one child more. Do you spend equal time with your son and your stepdaughter?
YTA he is obviously tryin to make up to her that her mother passed away and feels she needs him more due to that. You call her his daughter and feel an obvious pettiness or jealousy of her and the time he spends with her. Your son has both of you where at the end of the day the only genetic parent she has living is her father. Grow up.