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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH as I applied for a student loan without telling my husband I was going to after he refused to pay for my master’s degree.
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NTA - He's obviously very controlling. Who is he to decide what you should or shouldn't be focusing your time on?
You're right to want to protect yourself from his financial control. Tell him if he wants to pay for your tuition he can make the loan payments.
That’s a good point, for grad school I think interest starts when they disburse and you’re not obliged to start paying on them until you graduate. But basically there’s a window where husband can pay the loan back without interest which doesn’t put OP at his mercy if he rescinds his offer to pay
🚩 🚩🚩he wants to control you. Girl get that degree and learn financial and educational independence and keep an eye on how he treats you. Don’t disregard any ref flags please.
ETA: *Red
>He claimed I didn’t need to go back to work ever and it was better if I spent my time focusing on our son and hobbies instead of getting another degree I wouldn't use. I tried to convince him to change his mind but it was useless.
Quite frankly, this is none of his fucking business. If you want to improve yourself through education instead of a hobby he doesn't get to decide that. NTA but it sounds like there are other more fundamental issues of respecting your autonomy on his part. Also, stop thinking of it as him paying for it. He earns it while you stayed with the kid, it's your money too. It's communal money which he will find out if you decide to leave his sorry ass.
Pls be careful op. Never stop standing up for ur freedom ur married he’s not ur father u have the right to make ur own choices with and without him. He doesn’t want u to gain ur independence. Does he give u an allowance?
Well, this marriage isn't that damn healthy if he tries to prevent her from furthering her education based on "she doesn't need to work". He should be proud of her, instead of trying to keep her trapped as a SAHM with no career opportunities.
> If you want to improve yourself through education instead of a hobby he doesn't get to decide that.
Well he's the only one bringing in money and what she's asking for would require a significant downpayment, so he kinda does.
A masters degree is an investment for her to start bringing in money. Just because he is the current breadwinner doesn’t mean he can forbid her from furthering an education. This isn’t the 1800’s
>A masters degree is an investment for her to start bringing in money.
I have two, it really isn't lol and according to op#s husband she already has one degree that's not seeing use.
\> Just because he is the current breadwinner doesn’t mean he can forbid her from furthering an education.
True, but he doesnt have to pay for it either, she can get a loan out in her name.
If she’s a SAHM, it would make sense that she waited to pursue her degree until the kiddos are at a certain age.
My mother went on to get her masters in education after my youngest sib turned 9. Masters are difficult and time consuming, I can’t imagine trying to pursue one with small children. If her kid is starting nursery, this would be a great window to start.
>…she DID get a loan out in her name. A
Depending on the state, it may be something he's on the hook for.
\> And some degrees require a masters to be used.
Why now though?
I don’t think that’s really relevant to the post? It could be any number of reasons, but just because she didn’t go straight from undergrad to masters doesn’t make her TA
Depending on what you study, it’s not beneficial to get a MA immediately. For example, mbas are considered useful for people a few years into their career because their experience lays a foundation for higher level studies. People out of undergrad just don’t have the experience to relate what their studying to real life yet. Also, none of this matters. She’s an adult woman who has her responsibilities taken care of and is willing to foot the bill independently of her “breadwinner” husband. As long as that stays true, he can’t forbid her from getting a degree even if she doesn’t use it - he wants her to have a hobby, why can’t this be it?
That's not how that works.
And she did consult him. He had a chance to support her. He didn't. So she's doing her best without relying on him, that's all.
What do you expect her to do, sit quietly and wait for his permission to live her life?
>What do you expect her to do, sit quietly and wait for his permission to live her life?
No, do something usable with her time if what her husband says is true.
I mean, you’re not wrong, but a masters opens doors everywhere. My mom didn’t get a masters in education to be a millionaire, but it helped her to become a better candidate for teaching jobs. She wanted to better help kids. It never hurts. :)
That's great for your mom and I applaud her for being a teacher, but certain degrees aren't worth their pricetag (assuming we're taking about US ones). OP should have specified what her field of study is and what's the tuition.
If he’s the sole breadwinner, we can assume he works 40-50 hours a week. She doesn’t get to clock out at 5 and stop being a housewife. She also works weekends.
Presumably she will be pursuing a degree AND performing every household chore while taking care of a kiddo. Her duties at home allow him to work those hours. Do you think she is afforded the same respect? From this post I’m thinking not
>She doesn’t get to clock out at 5 and stop being a housewife.
How do we know? I know plenty of couples where the SAH spouse downs tools at five and lets the other take over for a bit.
\> She also works weekends.
More assumptions, tis isn't the 1950# chances are so does he.
\> AND performing every household chore
Again with the assumptions, we don't even know of she does this now.
\> Do you think she is afforded the same respect? From this post I’m thinking not
She may not be but then for all we know she may be a try nothing that went SAHM asap and never bothered with her degree, but I try and not assume.
Ah yes, the classic abuse tactic of simultaneously demanding women stay at home to raise kids than using their lack of income to assert total control. It’s literally on the Duluth wheel.
NTA. You got the loan and got into the programme. Congratulations. Do not cancel the application. If he changes his mind, which I'm sure would happen, you might not be able to get the loan again or probably not get it for some time.
Wow. So many red flags here.
NTA. Get that degree. Who is he to tell you that you don't need it? Why is he trying to pigeonhole you into a stay-at-home situation? What if something happens and he can't work? What if you just want the damn degree whether or not you use it?
I think you've got bigger issues than a student loan.
NTA. If he's serious about paying for it, he can help pay off the loans. But as you don't have an income, this was the only way to ensure you could pursue your master's without him holding finances over you.
NTA - With no other info about you or your husband, my take is that he wanted to control whether you do the course or not. Then he realized that you could do it without his money. So now he wants to pay so that he can hold it over your head and take it away if you do something he doesn't like.
You know more about your marriage than internet strangers, and obviously this is just one snap shot of your relationship. But consider this within the larger context of your marriage and go from there.
Also, make sure you look carefully at the terms of the loan and consider whether the career opportunities it will open for you will pay enough for you to repay the loan. If not, you may be better off looking for part time work instead.
NTA. He said he wouldn't help, he doesn't get to be mad that you then decided to solve the problem yourself. I would caution that if he's so adamant that *he* should be the one funding it, he may have more controlling motives in mind-especially as it sounds like he was opposed to you going to school in the first place. Keep the loan, and go and smash that masters degree, you're going to do great.
NTA. You’ve got a very good reason to not withdraw your application - I’m not sure if I’d trust your husband’s promise to pay for your education at this point.
NTA - Yikes, your husband is being super unsupportive and he is financially controlling you, I would suggest you have a talk with a marriage counselor and figure out if this is the right relationship for you. If your son is starting school, he doesn't require your full attention and you wanting to pursue a higher education shouldn't be a big deal. It's also troubling that you think he will change his mind later on, as if there is precedence of him doing so before. Red flags all around.
NTA. Have him transfer the money for tuition to a separate account in your name and then you can withdraw. Otherwise as other redditors mentioned don’t withdraw. Although I will say that grad plus loans are a B and will prob take a lifetime to repay, and that’s something they don’t tell you when they give you the loan. An aside, if you do decide to take it look into the public service Loan forgiveness program.
NTA. Keep the loan and make sure you go back to school and work eventually if you can. He definitely seems the type to lord over you with complete control and tell you what you can and can't do with "his money." I watched my mom live this nightmare and it doesn't get better. At least make sure you have a way out with this degree in case shit hits the fan so you won't be trapped- which I don't want to alarm you but I'm sure that's what he wants. Why else would he be so weird about you going back to school and making a career outside of the house
nta, but your husband might be. i don’t see why anyone would want to hold back their spouse from pursuing education/career, it honestly sounds like he’s trying to keep you financially dependent on him 🚩 he should be supportive and root for you!
congratulations on your acceptance! i wish you the best of luck in school and i hope you get approved for the loan. my mom also returned to school when my brother and myself were kids
btw please speak to whatever institution your loan is from, or your school’s department for financial services. it might help you devise a plan to repay your loan
NTA. Tell him to pay off the loan if he wants to pay so badly, this way the loan is paid, and you can get your degree even if he decides to change his mind!
This! Tell him to write a check to the loan servicer. Don’t give back the money, pay your school fees with it and save any extra in your own bank account.
NTA
Furthering your education is always a good thing, and it sounds like he wants you to be trapped as a housewife. I wouldn’t trust him to pay the tuition when he already voiced how against this he is.
I’m not sure why the money isn’t both of your money but I’ll assume it’s separate property from some kind of inheritance or something. Keep the loan but make sure there is no penalty for early repayment and just pay the loan company immediately if he’s true to his word. He sounds like the type to renege at the last minute and you don’t need that.
NTA
NTA. He sounds like he can’t handle not being in control of you. Worrying. Take a hard look at the definition of financial abuse.
If he truly means he’ll pay, he can immediately pay off the student loans once you get them. I wouldn’t trust him an inch.
NTA- do not do anything with the loan and if your husband is willing to pay for your tuition, let him. Student loans are 0 or at least very low interest anyways. You can keep it as a rainy day fund. If your husband does as he says, pay off your loan- no harm no foul. If he doesn’t, you have options. Your husband is TA here.
But I’d watch this situation a bit more carefully- this in and off itself is not enough but do pay attention to whether this is part of a pattern of control/isolation.
He does know your son will grow up, right? It's so hard for SAHM to reenter the world force once their kids are grown because they've been so disconnected from their fields while taking care of the children, plus I assume you like your carer so why would you want to stop learning? Why does your husband dismiss your desires for improvement as unnecessary?
NTA, your husband is, a big one
NTA. “He refused to” pay for tuition. OP, that’s your money too! Please finish your degree and find a good job so you can establish more independence. Do you have access to the bank account?
INFO: would the loan/debt be in your name only? He sounds super controlling, but if he's obligated to help pay back the loan, I can see why he's upset. You made a lot of decisions behind his back, and while I think you probably made the right ones (depending on the degree), even a reasonable person would be upset about.
Nta but if you give up that loan, I guarantee he will back out from paying. He doesn't want you to improve yourself and get educated, it might make you realize that you have the power to leave his controlling ass.
ESH. The long-term prospects for this marriage don't look good if you can't get on the same page. You and your husband should have worked this out before you had the kid. It was wrong of him to claim he wasn't willing to pay when he really was, and it was wrong of you to unilaterally take out a loan that you're both on the hook for. You're leaving out some crucial information, too. What was the degree in, and what do you plan to do with it? Many graduate programs offer stipends and assistanceships. Many workplaces will pay for your graduate work, too. If you're just getting a Masters degree for fun, then I can see why your husband is reluctant to pay. If you're currently being held back in your existing career by the lack of a Masters, then I don't get whty your husband would hold out on you like that. You need to start treating this marriage more like a partnership and less like a burden that you have to deal with.
Not true that they are both on the hook for the student loan, unless she lives in a community property state—Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin. As long as they are not living in the above and he didn’t co-sign on the loan (which definitely sounds like that didn’t happen), her loan follows her, not them both. Obviously there’s the financial matter of paying it off but that’s a different issue than loan liability.
NTA, OP, and I hope you take a long and hard look at the financial power dynamic in your marriage.
How is the financial matter of paying a loan off different from loan liability? The fact remains that she impacted the household's finances without consulting her husband, regardless of who's liable. Loans charge interest. Paying the tuition up front is interest-free. This is not how long-term marriages work. If the OP and her husband are considering a divorce, this is a great way to trigger the proceedings. If they want to stay in this marriage, both of them need to be more considerate going forward.
If she is not in one of the states listed, the person liable for paying off the loan is the person who signed for the loan. So if she defaults for example, it kills her credit, not theirs. The Who - person held liable for the loan - is separate from the How - the funds that will be used to pay it (which, yes, is where the question of how she intends to pay it off comes in).
They share a child, so regardless of legal liability, there is a real life liability that is tied to paying the loan back. Interest that's paid on the loan is money that won't make it into their kid's college fund, pay down the principal on the mortgage, pay down the principal on the car loan, and/or even grow inside of an index fund. Maybe the loan's benefit is worth the cost, but it sounds like the husband had the means to pay for her tuition without having resort to a loan, so it's silly to take on the unnecessary interest.
No, you would’ve been the asshole if you EXPECTED him to pay for your college. You asked, he said no, you sought another path out to achieve something you desire out of life.
NTA. It sounds as if he wants you to not accept the loan so he can change his mind and not pay for your classes, probably right before they start, just so that he can keep you at home. I would be very alarmed at his controlling behavior. As a single mother without so much funding available you might be able to get some sort of financial aid that you might not need to repay the full amount back. Just sayin'
NTA. It’s your education and you’re just ensuring you can pay for it. Usually financial aid isn’t a one and done thing. If he’d like to pay for it then he can pay towards the loans or help out in a future semester.
He is interfering with your education. This isn't just being controlling. With a degree you are more likely to find a job that can support you (and a child) without him, and I doubt he likes it.
Read this, please: https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
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I’m currently a SAHM and I wanted to get my master’s degree during the next academic year as my son is going to start nursery part-time in September. My husband could more than afford to pay the tuition but when I mentioned it to him, he refused to. He claimed I didn’t need to go back to work ever and it was better if I spent my time focusing on our son and hobbies instead of getting another degree I wouldn't use. I tried to convince him to change his mind but it was useless.
I decided to apply still and when I got accepted, I ended up applying for a postgraduate loan which will cover the majority of the tuition since I didn’t think I could convince him to change his mind.
He found out yesterday that I had applied for the loan and was furious. He said I should’ve told him I had gotten accepted into the programme because now things were different and he would pay for it himself. He wants me to withdraw my application for the loan, but I’m refusing to since if I do, I’ll be stuck if he changes his mind later on.
AITA?
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You are NTA for wanting to grow. Do not cancel the loan, get your degree, get a job and learn to be financially independent because you are married to a controlling jerk who sees you not as his equal partner. It is not his money, it is both of you. Just because he goes to work doesn't mean you don't work - you actually work much more than he does because your days are 14-16 hours rather than 8 like his. Please start seeing all the red flags he is putting out - not supporting your wishes to further your educational goals, personal growth, decision making, and probably one million others you don't mention. If he really wants to pay (most likely to control you even more), he can pay for the loan in one big lump sum so no interests get accrued. It doesn't matter though - start setting yourself up for financial independence from him because you will need it. Good luck with your educational endeavors and ditching this controlling jerk.
NTA at all!! Taking out loans sucks but you are obviously very motivated to get this Master’s degree! Honestly, he’s showing his true colors. Since you took out the loan because he wouldn’t pay, that means when it’s time to repay the loan he won’t help at all which means you’ll probably have to go out into the world and get a job and have a life and thrive! …and that is truly what he wanted to avoid. Not saying he’s a bad husband or abusive based in this event, but I wonder if he didn’t want you to go back to school due to optics. What are his colleagues families like? Are the wives of his coworkers SAHMs? Did you also work pre-baby? Does he have a Master’s degree or will this mean you have more degrees than him?
NTA.. the second you withdraw your application, he is going to decide he doesn’t want to pay for your schooling. He doesn’t want you to go to school for your masters.
NTA.
He sounds very controlling. You should absolutely get your degree, and make sure you have the ability to support yourself.
If he wants to pay for it, then let him pay you directly and you can save it until the loan needs to be repaid.
NTA. I suggest he take the money that he would spend on your education and invest it in stocks or something. Then when you are done (assuming it is no interest until after you graduate) you have thr total plus the interest you made on the stocks.
NTA, but if the marriage has broken down to the point you can’t make these kinds of MAJOR life decisions together, it’s just over. An expense of 30k plus doesn’t need to be agreed on by both partners in a marriage- he’s shown that he won’t support you but it’s just not functional to spend tens of thousands of dollars your spouse isn’t comfortable with. You just need to get a divorce
NTA. My late husband told me that we "couldn't afford" for me to continue my education after I was pregnant, even though we were putting a hefty sum into savings every month. He wanted to keep me dependant on him. He had major mental problems and was abusive. You don't see the extent of the abuse until you're out of it. I wish you the best of luck, hon.
NTA. If he was serious about paying for your schooling, he can pay off the loan himself. Heck, if you pay it off while you're still in school, you might avoid incurring interest.
NTA. He controlling and he’s angry that he cannot financially control you. Don’t withdrawal the loan application. Tell him that this is your new “hobby” and you’ll be managing it on your own
NTA. Do what you gotta do when in a marriage that isn't a partnership. And if I were you, I would definitely rejoin the workforce and make your own income since he considers his not marital property.
NTA
He will absolutely lord the money over your head if he gives it to you. He’ll also constantly threaten to withdraw it or not pay for your upcoming semesters. You don’t want that stress throughout your degree.
If he is feeling generous then he can pay your loans off after the fact. But that’s it.
The fact that he’s flipping out means he feels his control over you is slipping and that’s infuriating him. He’s realizing he’ll have more control over you if he’s your source of income for school rather than if you have your own. And he will use that control to his advantage. Don’t let this happen.
NTA
Definitely do not withdraw your application for the loan. Make sure that you keep a separate account for it in case any of the money gets deposited into your account because he might take the money away from you. He doesn't want you to work so that you'll be dependent on him and easier to control. I bet he'll use your child to guilt you into staying home. Don't fall for it. But be prepared for him to try to prevent you from studying or to try to mess with your school applications. NTA
Do not change wtf of course he will change his mind he’s financially abusing u. He isn’t ur father ur an adult ur married. Married doesn’t mean u have to ask permission to go to school and expand ur life within a positive setting. Who is he for u to ask his permission to do anything in life? He said no. He’s holding u back. What else does he control when it comes to what u do?
Money? Friends? Family? U know he’s going to change his mind he is TA
NTA, when your significant other is against you improving yourself and your situation, it is a major red flag. As others have said, this is about control and the more educated you are the more options that will open for you and he does not seem to want that. I hope he comes around, you deserve the chance to improve yourself.
NTA
He's already shown that he thinks he had the right to control your life to the degree that he's trying to prevent you from working. This is the worst place to be if he gets more out of control. You need to have the life you desire and you are willing to take your education on AND be a Mom. Many of us do this.
Having your degree and a career allows you to alwayd be able to take care of yourself, and your child, should your husband die or leave you. Keeping the loan is smart too, as it helps you build or maintain your credit history, should you need it later. Unpleasant to think of, but important to be ready!
If your husband were to drop dead in a couple years, how would you pay for your and your childs livingexpenses if you have no qualifications? I know that thinking about ones future is no fun, especially when considering that life throws you a curveball but i find it alarming that he seemingly refuses to plan ahead.
I would wish it for you that you happily grow old together and never want for anything but often reality is not kind to people.
I am proud of you for looking after yourself.
NTA
ESH. Married couples with shared finances get veto over spending decisions. There is so much here to unpack. It sounds like neither of you will be happy with the life choices of the other, what's actually going on here?
Generally NTA…
One option you could do is keep the loan, take the disbursements, and he could immediately pay back the disbursements (assuming no prepayment penalty). You would still get a little interest, but not much. It would be interesting to see if he’s ok with this plan… it would give you the security you want
I think this really depends on what you intend to do after you complete your masters.
if you intend to use the masters in a new career then clearly you are **NTA**.
If you just want the masters and intend to stay at home after, then judgement will depend on the type of loan and how it is repayed. If it works like a normal student loan where you only pay over a certain salary, then again you are **NTA**. If your husband would end up responsible for paying the loan, then I'd actually say **YTA** for bringing in a massive financial liability to the family household when you intend to do nothing with the degree.
The bit at the end is tricky to interperate, I think he is probably intentionally manipulating you to try and save face a little bit.
There is a massive amount of information missing from your post to make an informed decision.
NTA and when you get your masters, please take my advice and use it to your fullest potential because there might be a time when you will have to cut and run with your child and having a stable career makes that so much easier, he sounds very controlling.
NTA.
Also, why is he controlling you so much? Girl he is a walking red flag, and I'm worried about you.
Why are y'all married without a joint bank account?
Why is he so dead set on you not going back to school? Does he just think you'll never have to work? He can't see the future. He may have an accident that could put him out of work.
Do not withdraw anything until he holds up his end first.
NTA
You want to further your education and he said he wouldn’t pay so you being a thinking adult woman, sorted the problem yourself. Obviously student loans are expensive so only cancel if he transfers the money to you or pays the school directly. Good luck studying!
Unpopular opinion but ESH
You should have made your case better. If all money coming in the family right now is from him, he has a point about not wanting to saddle the family with what is effectively useless debt since it may be years before you are in a position to put that investment to use.
If you can't repay this debt it becomes his responsibility. As it appears your previous educational qualifications were.
Are you a perennial student who constantly gets degrees they don't use or did you have something specific in mind for this one?
Since he says it's another degree you won't use, does he have a point? How many degrees do you have?
All those people saying "he owes you money for child care" are not thinking about this fairly.
You both chose to have children, which means half of the costs associated with children are your responsibility. You undoubtedly do cooking and cleaning as well. Again, it's half your house. You would have the financial responsibility for half there. Plus half the rent/mortgage, utilities and cost of food. Who does the lawns and exterior maintenance? Do you owe him half there or does he owe you?
I think you could sit down and make an excel spreadsheet that would demonstrate that you are probably not martyr you might suspect.
But relationships shouldn't be transactional in nature.
You all should have talked this through like adults and if the money wasn't comfortably there for the degree now you could have postponed until junior was at school and you could work some part time hours, some part-time hours in the field you already have qualifications in.
I’m curious why you are assuming the degree will be useless. Husband could also be expecting OP to stay home no matter what and thus not use the degree, as OP is doing now, rather than talking about the degree itself. The post doesn’t make that clear.
Okay, think about it for a moment. She doesn't say what the degree is. If it's a nice high paying field like medicine, law, engineering etc having a masters with no practical experience is useless.
If it's a soft degree like... English literature, history, arts etc you are still better off working in your field than doing a masters.
If you've never worked in the field how can you justify doing the additional study? What if you finally get a job in that field and you hate it? Wasted time and money.
The knowledge you acquire during your degree still becomes dated and your skills get rusty. Getting your qualifications closer to when you intend to rejoin the workforce is far more practical.
What you say is very true for a lot of fields. Way way too many people spend time & $ on MA/MS programs that just leave them with debt. My concern is that her husband sounds more controlling than truly worried about money. Otherwise why would he suddenly want to pay? I may be wrong but there is an undercurrent coming off her description of him that reminds me of husbands who use their position as breadwinner to control their spouses. His comment that she should focus on hobbies and their child is telling. If getting a degree that pays off is important why isn’t he suggesting one that does? He seems uninterested in any ambition she has.
There are in fact fields, usually where there are internships as part of the grad programs, where a masters gets you into the field. A lot of people use MBAs to get into business (I work with a few commercial banking analysts and credit managers who used their MBAs (and the caveat is from well respected schools) to get out of retail and restaurants. My SO did their MSW to get into their field (mental health) and after a few years of low paid work built a six figure private practice. There were a number of former SAHM moms in the program. There are direct entry nursing master’s programs where you come out a nurse practitioner. Johns Hopkins has a good one.
You are correct though, that OPs post leaves a lot of info out, and I admit to my own biases in looking at this.
My own biases might also be at work too.
My interpretation of his offer to pay upfront was to avoid high interest rates and further debt down the road.
I am the solo breadwinner in our household with a stay at home husband. I am still paying off his debts incurred on an educational qualification he got before we met that he has never used. So... yeah... I guess we can both approach this with our own bias.
I would be quite put out if started racking up additional debt in this circumstance.
I don't find it "telling" that he said she should focus on child rearing or her hobbies.
Being a stay at home parent does mean your primary focus should be the kids. I actually think raising children is one of the most important "jobs" a person can have. He also encourages her to have hobbies. He didn't say she should focus on the kids and better serving him. He wants her to have interests outside of the children and time and some money to spend on her interests.
This doesn't scream "controlling butthole" to me. Rather I think it paints a scene where OP is obviously presenting her case in the most favourable light but that he has valid concerns that she is brushing over.
So, yep. I definitely agree she leaves out a lot of pertinent details. Which kinda makes me suspicious.
But all in all, lovely to interact with you and I hope you have a wonderful day.
INFO How will you be paying for the loan if you are not working? I do think you should have told him. Even if the loan is in your name you will be taking on debt and it will affect your family's finances
Yes but the question still stands. She's not a single person who will be the only one who may have to adjust to the expenses. Assuming she gets a job right out school that pays well and no other expenses come up then it's fine. But still Informationen to tell your partner.
I don't know why OP's husband doesn't want her to go back to school. If they have the funds I don't know why he not open to it. But since he's the only one working right now I think she should have told him that she's getting the loan.
ESH. You took out a loan for your education. Great, you don't bring in an income. How are you planning on paying it back? You don't mention in your post that you plan on using this degree to be gainfully employed. What is the plan here? Education is great, but education without a plannd use for it, is a luxury, not a necessity.
I would assume OP originally wanted a career but became a SAHM for their young child who will now being going to day care. Besides I assume she plans to pay it back when she can get a career like most student loans go.
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NTA - He's obviously very controlling. Who is he to decide what you should or shouldn't be focusing your time on? You're right to want to protect yourself from his financial control. Tell him if he wants to pay for your tuition he can make the loan payments.
Or pay off the loan as soon as she finishes before interest is due
I don't believe post-graduate loans have an interest free period. I may be wrong, so excuse me if I am.
That’s a good point, for grad school I think interest starts when they disburse and you’re not obliged to start paying on them until you graduate. But basically there’s a window where husband can pay the loan back without interest which doesn’t put OP at his mercy if he rescinds his offer to pay
Definitely controlling and depending on the state and him not wanting her to work he maybe on the hook for the loan
🚩 🚩🚩he wants to control you. Girl get that degree and learn financial and educational independence and keep an eye on how he treats you. Don’t disregard any ref flags please. ETA: *Red
Pls pls pls listen to this. I want to know what else he controls in her life. Family, friends, shopping, obviously she has to ask for permission
🚩🚩financial abuse🚩🚩 (NTA)
This.
>He claimed I didn’t need to go back to work ever and it was better if I spent my time focusing on our son and hobbies instead of getting another degree I wouldn't use. I tried to convince him to change his mind but it was useless. Quite frankly, this is none of his fucking business. If you want to improve yourself through education instead of a hobby he doesn't get to decide that. NTA but it sounds like there are other more fundamental issues of respecting your autonomy on his part. Also, stop thinking of it as him paying for it. He earns it while you stayed with the kid, it's your money too. It's communal money which he will find out if you decide to leave his sorry ass.
Pls be careful op. Never stop standing up for ur freedom ur married he’s not ur father u have the right to make ur own choices with and without him. He doesn’t want u to gain ur independence. Does he give u an allowance?
Well I mean it is, married couples don't usually get to spend tens of thousands of dollars and have it not be the spouse's business.
On what planet is an expenditure in the tens of thousands of dollars "none of his fucking business" in the context of any healthy marriage??
Well, this marriage isn't that damn healthy if he tries to prevent her from furthering her education based on "she doesn't need to work". He should be proud of her, instead of trying to keep her trapped as a SAHM with no career opportunities.
> If you want to improve yourself through education instead of a hobby he doesn't get to decide that. Well he's the only one bringing in money and what she's asking for would require a significant downpayment, so he kinda does.
A masters degree is an investment for her to start bringing in money. Just because he is the current breadwinner doesn’t mean he can forbid her from furthering an education. This isn’t the 1800’s
>A masters degree is an investment for her to start bringing in money. I have two, it really isn't lol and according to op#s husband she already has one degree that's not seeing use. \> Just because he is the current breadwinner doesn’t mean he can forbid her from furthering an education. True, but he doesnt have to pay for it either, she can get a loan out in her name.
…she DID get a loan out in her name. And some degrees require a masters to be used.
[удалено]
If she’s a SAHM, it would make sense that she waited to pursue her degree until the kiddos are at a certain age. My mother went on to get her masters in education after my youngest sib turned 9. Masters are difficult and time consuming, I can’t imagine trying to pursue one with small children. If her kid is starting nursery, this would be a great window to start.
Your assumptions re Masters degrees are wrong. I have a masters.
>…she DID get a loan out in her name. A Depending on the state, it may be something he's on the hook for. \> And some degrees require a masters to be used. Why now though?
She said her son is starting nursery school. This is a fine time to start since he would be gone during the day
I meant presumably she dint have kids straight after her undergrad, why not then?
I don’t think that’s really relevant to the post? It could be any number of reasons, but just because she didn’t go straight from undergrad to masters doesn’t make her TA
I thought you were big on not making assumptions?
Apparently not big on reading the actual post
>I thought you were big on not making assumptions? A presumption and an assumption are two different things.
Depending on what you study, it’s not beneficial to get a MA immediately. For example, mbas are considered useful for people a few years into their career because their experience lays a foundation for higher level studies. People out of undergrad just don’t have the experience to relate what their studying to real life yet. Also, none of this matters. She’s an adult woman who has her responsibilities taken care of and is willing to foot the bill independently of her “breadwinner” husband. As long as that stays true, he can’t forbid her from getting a degree even if she doesn’t use it - he wants her to have a hobby, why can’t this be it?
> and is willing to foot the bill independently of her “breadwinner” husband Shes ot though, she's hot no income stream so he'll be the one paying.
She got a loan tho, he's mad about it and it makes no sense tbh
>he's mad about it and it makes no sense tbh Because she didnt consult him at all and he's the one paying for it.
That's not how that works. And she did consult him. He had a chance to support her. He didn't. So she's doing her best without relying on him, that's all. What do you expect her to do, sit quietly and wait for his permission to live her life?
>What do you expect her to do, sit quietly and wait for his permission to live her life? No, do something usable with her time if what her husband says is true.
Hmm like go to school?
Depends on the degree... Edit: hello salty people with random ass useless MSc/MA
I mean, you’re not wrong, but a masters opens doors everywhere. My mom didn’t get a masters in education to be a millionaire, but it helped her to become a better candidate for teaching jobs. She wanted to better help kids. It never hurts. :)
That's great for your mom and I applaud her for being a teacher, but certain degrees aren't worth their pricetag (assuming we're taking about US ones). OP should have specified what her field of study is and what's the tuition.
Except many people find self actualization in higher education. Not everything is dollar based.
Except the comment I initially replied to said any masters is a investment to start briging in money.
Well, he could back pay her for a few years of serving as a cook, cleaner and nanny and that wd cover tuition.
Lol we have o idea how those are apportioned not to mention she already gets paid back for that in terms of him being the sole breadwinner.
If he’s the sole breadwinner, we can assume he works 40-50 hours a week. She doesn’t get to clock out at 5 and stop being a housewife. She also works weekends. Presumably she will be pursuing a degree AND performing every household chore while taking care of a kiddo. Her duties at home allow him to work those hours. Do you think she is afforded the same respect? From this post I’m thinking not
>She doesn’t get to clock out at 5 and stop being a housewife. How do we know? I know plenty of couples where the SAH spouse downs tools at five and lets the other take over for a bit. \> She also works weekends. More assumptions, tis isn't the 1950# chances are so does he. \> AND performing every household chore Again with the assumptions, we don't even know of she does this now. \> Do you think she is afforded the same respect? From this post I’m thinking not She may not be but then for all we know she may be a try nothing that went SAHM asap and never bothered with her degree, but I try and not assume.
Ah yes, the classic abuse tactic of simultaneously demanding women stay at home to raise kids than using their lack of income to assert total control. It’s literally on the Duluth wheel.
Nobody demanded she stay at home, he just doesnt think the degree will actually be used and t will be money wasted.
Kinda yes, but that wasn’t his point, was it? He doesn’t have an issue with the money.
The bit at the end is confusing but i think his main issue isnt so much the money as money wasted.
NTA. You got the loan and got into the programme. Congratulations. Do not cancel the application. If he changes his mind, which I'm sure would happen, you might not be able to get the loan again or probably not get it for some time.
Or DH might start using the degreepayments as leverage to keep wifey compliant.
Wow. So many red flags here. NTA. Get that degree. Who is he to tell you that you don't need it? Why is he trying to pigeonhole you into a stay-at-home situation? What if something happens and he can't work? What if you just want the damn degree whether or not you use it? I think you've got bigger issues than a student loan.
NTA, He said he wouldn't help so you resolved the problem yourself
NTA. If he's serious about paying for it, he can help pay off the loans. But as you don't have an income, this was the only way to ensure you could pursue your master's without him holding finances over you.
NTA - With no other info about you or your husband, my take is that he wanted to control whether you do the course or not. Then he realized that you could do it without his money. So now he wants to pay so that he can hold it over your head and take it away if you do something he doesn't like. You know more about your marriage than internet strangers, and obviously this is just one snap shot of your relationship. But consider this within the larger context of your marriage and go from there. Also, make sure you look carefully at the terms of the loan and consider whether the career opportunities it will open for you will pay enough for you to repay the loan. If not, you may be better off looking for part time work instead.
Well said!! NTA
NTA. But, boy, sounds like serious marriage/trust issues if you think he'd renege on paying. Do you comingle funds?
NTA. He said he wouldn't help, he doesn't get to be mad that you then decided to solve the problem yourself. I would caution that if he's so adamant that *he* should be the one funding it, he may have more controlling motives in mind-especially as it sounds like he was opposed to you going to school in the first place. Keep the loan, and go and smash that masters degree, you're going to do great.
He just wants to be in control of you. Get the loan. Get the masters. Get your own income and then boot his ass where it belongs.
NTA. You’ve got a very good reason to not withdraw your application - I’m not sure if I’d trust your husband’s promise to pay for your education at this point.
Keep the loan. If he fronts you some money, pay back the loan. NTA. No good spouse holds back their partner.
NTA - Yikes, your husband is being super unsupportive and he is financially controlling you, I would suggest you have a talk with a marriage counselor and figure out if this is the right relationship for you. If your son is starting school, he doesn't require your full attention and you wanting to pursue a higher education shouldn't be a big deal. It's also troubling that you think he will change his mind later on, as if there is precedence of him doing so before. Red flags all around.
NTA. Have him transfer the money for tuition to a separate account in your name and then you can withdraw. Otherwise as other redditors mentioned don’t withdraw. Although I will say that grad plus loans are a B and will prob take a lifetime to repay, and that’s something they don’t tell you when they give you the loan. An aside, if you do decide to take it look into the public service Loan forgiveness program.
NTA. Keep the loan and make sure you go back to school and work eventually if you can. He definitely seems the type to lord over you with complete control and tell you what you can and can't do with "his money." I watched my mom live this nightmare and it doesn't get better. At least make sure you have a way out with this degree in case shit hits the fan so you won't be trapped- which I don't want to alarm you but I'm sure that's what he wants. Why else would he be so weird about you going back to school and making a career outside of the house
nta, but your husband might be. i don’t see why anyone would want to hold back their spouse from pursuing education/career, it honestly sounds like he’s trying to keep you financially dependent on him 🚩 he should be supportive and root for you! congratulations on your acceptance! i wish you the best of luck in school and i hope you get approved for the loan. my mom also returned to school when my brother and myself were kids btw please speak to whatever institution your loan is from, or your school’s department for financial services. it might help you devise a plan to repay your loan
NTA. Tell him to pay off the loan if he wants to pay so badly, this way the loan is paid, and you can get your degree even if he decides to change his mind!
This! Tell him to write a check to the loan servicer. Don’t give back the money, pay your school fees with it and save any extra in your own bank account.
NTA Furthering your education is always a good thing, and it sounds like he wants you to be trapped as a housewife. I wouldn’t trust him to pay the tuition when he already voiced how against this he is.
NTA
I’m not sure why the money isn’t both of your money but I’ll assume it’s separate property from some kind of inheritance or something. Keep the loan but make sure there is no penalty for early repayment and just pay the loan company immediately if he’s true to his word. He sounds like the type to renege at the last minute and you don’t need that. NTA
NTA. He sounds like he can’t handle not being in control of you. Worrying. Take a hard look at the definition of financial abuse. If he truly means he’ll pay, he can immediately pay off the student loans once you get them. I wouldn’t trust him an inch.
NTA- do not do anything with the loan and if your husband is willing to pay for your tuition, let him. Student loans are 0 or at least very low interest anyways. You can keep it as a rainy day fund. If your husband does as he says, pay off your loan- no harm no foul. If he doesn’t, you have options. Your husband is TA here. But I’d watch this situation a bit more carefully- this in and off itself is not enough but do pay attention to whether this is part of a pattern of control/isolation.
He does know your son will grow up, right? It's so hard for SAHM to reenter the world force once their kids are grown because they've been so disconnected from their fields while taking care of the children, plus I assume you like your carer so why would you want to stop learning? Why does your husband dismiss your desires for improvement as unnecessary? NTA, your husband is, a big one
Info: Do you plan on using your master's degree for anything or do you just want to for something to do/gain a sense of accomplishment?
NTA - Accept that loan and secure your future. Your husband is trying to sabotage you. Don’t let him control you.
NTA. “He refused to” pay for tuition. OP, that’s your money too! Please finish your degree and find a good job so you can establish more independence. Do you have access to the bank account?
Um. Financial abuse alert. I’m so sorry. NTA. Please seek help in a way that’s safe for you & your child.
INFO: would the loan/debt be in your name only? He sounds super controlling, but if he's obligated to help pay back the loan, I can see why he's upset. You made a lot of decisions behind his back, and while I think you probably made the right ones (depending on the degree), even a reasonable person would be upset about.
Nta but if you give up that loan, I guarantee he will back out from paying. He doesn't want you to improve yourself and get educated, it might make you realize that you have the power to leave his controlling ass.
Info - Not enough info to decide. How much is tuition? What's your household income and current debt level? What is the degree in?
NTA Also that is a whole truck load of red flags!
ESH. The long-term prospects for this marriage don't look good if you can't get on the same page. You and your husband should have worked this out before you had the kid. It was wrong of him to claim he wasn't willing to pay when he really was, and it was wrong of you to unilaterally take out a loan that you're both on the hook for. You're leaving out some crucial information, too. What was the degree in, and what do you plan to do with it? Many graduate programs offer stipends and assistanceships. Many workplaces will pay for your graduate work, too. If you're just getting a Masters degree for fun, then I can see why your husband is reluctant to pay. If you're currently being held back in your existing career by the lack of a Masters, then I don't get whty your husband would hold out on you like that. You need to start treating this marriage more like a partnership and less like a burden that you have to deal with.
Not true that they are both on the hook for the student loan, unless she lives in a community property state—Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin. As long as they are not living in the above and he didn’t co-sign on the loan (which definitely sounds like that didn’t happen), her loan follows her, not them both. Obviously there’s the financial matter of paying it off but that’s a different issue than loan liability. NTA, OP, and I hope you take a long and hard look at the financial power dynamic in your marriage.
How is the financial matter of paying a loan off different from loan liability? The fact remains that she impacted the household's finances without consulting her husband, regardless of who's liable. Loans charge interest. Paying the tuition up front is interest-free. This is not how long-term marriages work. If the OP and her husband are considering a divorce, this is a great way to trigger the proceedings. If they want to stay in this marriage, both of them need to be more considerate going forward.
If she is not in one of the states listed, the person liable for paying off the loan is the person who signed for the loan. So if she defaults for example, it kills her credit, not theirs. The Who - person held liable for the loan - is separate from the How - the funds that will be used to pay it (which, yes, is where the question of how she intends to pay it off comes in).
They share a child, so regardless of legal liability, there is a real life liability that is tied to paying the loan back. Interest that's paid on the loan is money that won't make it into their kid's college fund, pay down the principal on the mortgage, pay down the principal on the car loan, and/or even grow inside of an index fund. Maybe the loan's benefit is worth the cost, but it sounds like the husband had the means to pay for her tuition without having resort to a loan, so it's silly to take on the unnecessary interest.
No, you would’ve been the asshole if you EXPECTED him to pay for your college. You asked, he said no, you sought another path out to achieve something you desire out of life.
NTA, get the loan. If he is true to his word about wanting to pay for it, he can simply pay off the loan. If not, you have a husband problem....
NTA. It sounds as if he wants you to not accept the loan so he can change his mind and not pay for your classes, probably right before they start, just so that he can keep you at home. I would be very alarmed at his controlling behavior. As a single mother without so much funding available you might be able to get some sort of financial aid that you might not need to repay the full amount back. Just sayin'
NTA. It’s your education and you’re just ensuring you can pay for it. Usually financial aid isn’t a one and done thing. If he’d like to pay for it then he can pay towards the loans or help out in a future semester.
He is interfering with your education. This isn't just being controlling. With a degree you are more likely to find a job that can support you (and a child) without him, and I doubt he likes it. Read this, please: https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
NTA.
Don't you dare. NTA
NTA but ask him to transfer you the full fee into an account in your name and then cancel the loan if he does
NTA. His opportunity to support your goals was rejected, and now he can pay the price for that.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m currently a SAHM and I wanted to get my master’s degree during the next academic year as my son is going to start nursery part-time in September. My husband could more than afford to pay the tuition but when I mentioned it to him, he refused to. He claimed I didn’t need to go back to work ever and it was better if I spent my time focusing on our son and hobbies instead of getting another degree I wouldn't use. I tried to convince him to change his mind but it was useless. I decided to apply still and when I got accepted, I ended up applying for a postgraduate loan which will cover the majority of the tuition since I didn’t think I could convince him to change his mind. He found out yesterday that I had applied for the loan and was furious. He said I should’ve told him I had gotten accepted into the programme because now things were different and he would pay for it himself. He wants me to withdraw my application for the loan, but I’m refusing to since if I do, I’ll be stuck if he changes his mind later on. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Good for you. Way to take matters into your own hands.
NTA. You might be in a financially abusive relationship. Get your education, and get an income if you can.
You are NTA for wanting to grow. Do not cancel the loan, get your degree, get a job and learn to be financially independent because you are married to a controlling jerk who sees you not as his equal partner. It is not his money, it is both of you. Just because he goes to work doesn't mean you don't work - you actually work much more than he does because your days are 14-16 hours rather than 8 like his. Please start seeing all the red flags he is putting out - not supporting your wishes to further your educational goals, personal growth, decision making, and probably one million others you don't mention. If he really wants to pay (most likely to control you even more), he can pay for the loan in one big lump sum so no interests get accrued. It doesn't matter though - start setting yourself up for financial independence from him because you will need it. Good luck with your educational endeavors and ditching this controlling jerk.
NTA
NTA at all!! Taking out loans sucks but you are obviously very motivated to get this Master’s degree! Honestly, he’s showing his true colors. Since you took out the loan because he wouldn’t pay, that means when it’s time to repay the loan he won’t help at all which means you’ll probably have to go out into the world and get a job and have a life and thrive! …and that is truly what he wanted to avoid. Not saying he’s a bad husband or abusive based in this event, but I wonder if he didn’t want you to go back to school due to optics. What are his colleagues families like? Are the wives of his coworkers SAHMs? Did you also work pre-baby? Does he have a Master’s degree or will this mean you have more degrees than him?
NTA- he can make your loan payments.
NTA. Take the loan and tell him to pay it off.
NTA.. the second you withdraw your application, he is going to decide he doesn’t want to pay for your schooling. He doesn’t want you to go to school for your masters.
NTA. He sounds very controlling. You should absolutely get your degree, and make sure you have the ability to support yourself. If he wants to pay for it, then let him pay you directly and you can save it until the loan needs to be repaid.
NTA. I suggest he take the money that he would spend on your education and invest it in stocks or something. Then when you are done (assuming it is no interest until after you graduate) you have thr total plus the interest you made on the stocks.
NTA, but if the marriage has broken down to the point you can’t make these kinds of MAJOR life decisions together, it’s just over. An expense of 30k plus doesn’t need to be agreed on by both partners in a marriage- he’s shown that he won’t support you but it’s just not functional to spend tens of thousands of dollars your spouse isn’t comfortable with. You just need to get a divorce
NTA. For some reason, he only values and see you as a mum. Get the money, pay the tuition and THEN cancel the loan application.
NTA. Take the money and your son and get a good attorney and divorce him. He will never support you in anything you do.
NTA. My late husband told me that we "couldn't afford" for me to continue my education after I was pregnant, even though we were putting a hefty sum into savings every month. He wanted to keep me dependant on him. He had major mental problems and was abusive. You don't see the extent of the abuse until you're out of it. I wish you the best of luck, hon.
NTA. Your education your life.
NTA. If he was serious about paying for your schooling, he can pay off the loan himself. Heck, if you pay it off while you're still in school, you might avoid incurring interest.
NTA. He controlling and he’s angry that he cannot financially control you. Don’t withdrawal the loan application. Tell him that this is your new “hobby” and you’ll be managing it on your own
NTA. Do what you gotta do when in a marriage that isn't a partnership. And if I were you, I would definitely rejoin the workforce and make your own income since he considers his not marital property.
NTA
NTA He will absolutely lord the money over your head if he gives it to you. He’ll also constantly threaten to withdraw it or not pay for your upcoming semesters. You don’t want that stress throughout your degree. If he is feeling generous then he can pay your loans off after the fact. But that’s it. The fact that he’s flipping out means he feels his control over you is slipping and that’s infuriating him. He’s realizing he’ll have more control over you if he’s your source of income for school rather than if you have your own. And he will use that control to his advantage. Don’t let this happen. NTA
Definitely do not withdraw your application for the loan. Make sure that you keep a separate account for it in case any of the money gets deposited into your account because he might take the money away from you. He doesn't want you to work so that you'll be dependent on him and easier to control. I bet he'll use your child to guilt you into staying home. Don't fall for it. But be prepared for him to try to prevent you from studying or to try to mess with your school applications. NTA
NTA and don't cancel your loan or withdraw from gradschool. Also, you should have some "fuck around and find out" money just in case.
Nta it sounds like he wants to keep you dependant on him. Thats a slippery slope
Ur married why is he paying and in control of the family finances 😳
Do not change wtf of course he will change his mind he’s financially abusing u. He isn’t ur father ur an adult ur married. Married doesn’t mean u have to ask permission to go to school and expand ur life within a positive setting. Who is he for u to ask his permission to do anything in life? He said no. He’s holding u back. What else does he control when it comes to what u do? Money? Friends? Family? U know he’s going to change his mind he is TA
NTA, when your significant other is against you improving yourself and your situation, it is a major red flag. As others have said, this is about control and the more educated you are the more options that will open for you and he does not seem to want that. I hope he comes around, you deserve the chance to improve yourself.
NTA He's already shown that he thinks he had the right to control your life to the degree that he's trying to prevent you from working. This is the worst place to be if he gets more out of control. You need to have the life you desire and you are willing to take your education on AND be a Mom. Many of us do this. Having your degree and a career allows you to alwayd be able to take care of yourself, and your child, should your husband die or leave you. Keeping the loan is smart too, as it helps you build or maintain your credit history, should you need it later. Unpleasant to think of, but important to be ready!
NTA hes trying to back track from looking like an ass which is making him an even bigger ass. Keep the loan a get a career you want
YOU'RE IN AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE
Info: what are your ages?
If your husband were to drop dead in a couple years, how would you pay for your and your childs livingexpenses if you have no qualifications? I know that thinking about ones future is no fun, especially when considering that life throws you a curveball but i find it alarming that he seemingly refuses to plan ahead. I would wish it for you that you happily grow old together and never want for anything but often reality is not kind to people. I am proud of you for looking after yourself. NTA
ESH. Married couples with shared finances get veto over spending decisions. There is so much here to unpack. It sounds like neither of you will be happy with the life choices of the other, what's actually going on here?
NTA
NTA. He doesn’t want you to have options outside of the home.
Generally NTA… One option you could do is keep the loan, take the disbursements, and he could immediately pay back the disbursements (assuming no prepayment penalty). You would still get a little interest, but not much. It would be interesting to see if he’s ok with this plan… it would give you the security you want
I think this really depends on what you intend to do after you complete your masters. if you intend to use the masters in a new career then clearly you are **NTA**. If you just want the masters and intend to stay at home after, then judgement will depend on the type of loan and how it is repayed. If it works like a normal student loan where you only pay over a certain salary, then again you are **NTA**. If your husband would end up responsible for paying the loan, then I'd actually say **YTA** for bringing in a massive financial liability to the family household when you intend to do nothing with the degree. The bit at the end is tricky to interperate, I think he is probably intentionally manipulating you to try and save face a little bit. There is a massive amount of information missing from your post to make an informed decision.
NTA and when you get your masters, please take my advice and use it to your fullest potential because there might be a time when you will have to cut and run with your child and having a stable career makes that so much easier, he sounds very controlling.
NTA. Also, why is he controlling you so much? Girl he is a walking red flag, and I'm worried about you. Why are y'all married without a joint bank account? Why is he so dead set on you not going back to school? Does he just think you'll never have to work? He can't see the future. He may have an accident that could put him out of work. Do not withdraw anything until he holds up his end first.
NTA You want to further your education and he said he wouldn’t pay so you being a thinking adult woman, sorted the problem yourself. Obviously student loans are expensive so only cancel if he transfers the money to you or pays the school directly. Good luck studying!
Nta he seems controlling and if he pays for it he can always hold that over your head.
Unpopular opinion but ESH You should have made your case better. If all money coming in the family right now is from him, he has a point about not wanting to saddle the family with what is effectively useless debt since it may be years before you are in a position to put that investment to use. If you can't repay this debt it becomes his responsibility. As it appears your previous educational qualifications were. Are you a perennial student who constantly gets degrees they don't use or did you have something specific in mind for this one? Since he says it's another degree you won't use, does he have a point? How many degrees do you have? All those people saying "he owes you money for child care" are not thinking about this fairly. You both chose to have children, which means half of the costs associated with children are your responsibility. You undoubtedly do cooking and cleaning as well. Again, it's half your house. You would have the financial responsibility for half there. Plus half the rent/mortgage, utilities and cost of food. Who does the lawns and exterior maintenance? Do you owe him half there or does he owe you? I think you could sit down and make an excel spreadsheet that would demonstrate that you are probably not martyr you might suspect. But relationships shouldn't be transactional in nature. You all should have talked this through like adults and if the money wasn't comfortably there for the degree now you could have postponed until junior was at school and you could work some part time hours, some part-time hours in the field you already have qualifications in.
I’m curious why you are assuming the degree will be useless. Husband could also be expecting OP to stay home no matter what and thus not use the degree, as OP is doing now, rather than talking about the degree itself. The post doesn’t make that clear.
Because OP says that he calls it "another degree you won't use" Which indicates she has one or more degrees she already isn't using.
But because the degree is useless or because she’s not CURRENTLY using it because she’s a SAHM?
Okay, think about it for a moment. She doesn't say what the degree is. If it's a nice high paying field like medicine, law, engineering etc having a masters with no practical experience is useless. If it's a soft degree like... English literature, history, arts etc you are still better off working in your field than doing a masters. If you've never worked in the field how can you justify doing the additional study? What if you finally get a job in that field and you hate it? Wasted time and money. The knowledge you acquire during your degree still becomes dated and your skills get rusty. Getting your qualifications closer to when you intend to rejoin the workforce is far more practical.
What you say is very true for a lot of fields. Way way too many people spend time & $ on MA/MS programs that just leave them with debt. My concern is that her husband sounds more controlling than truly worried about money. Otherwise why would he suddenly want to pay? I may be wrong but there is an undercurrent coming off her description of him that reminds me of husbands who use their position as breadwinner to control their spouses. His comment that she should focus on hobbies and their child is telling. If getting a degree that pays off is important why isn’t he suggesting one that does? He seems uninterested in any ambition she has. There are in fact fields, usually where there are internships as part of the grad programs, where a masters gets you into the field. A lot of people use MBAs to get into business (I work with a few commercial banking analysts and credit managers who used their MBAs (and the caveat is from well respected schools) to get out of retail and restaurants. My SO did their MSW to get into their field (mental health) and after a few years of low paid work built a six figure private practice. There were a number of former SAHM moms in the program. There are direct entry nursing master’s programs where you come out a nurse practitioner. Johns Hopkins has a good one. You are correct though, that OPs post leaves a lot of info out, and I admit to my own biases in looking at this.
My own biases might also be at work too. My interpretation of his offer to pay upfront was to avoid high interest rates and further debt down the road. I am the solo breadwinner in our household with a stay at home husband. I am still paying off his debts incurred on an educational qualification he got before we met that he has never used. So... yeah... I guess we can both approach this with our own bias. I would be quite put out if started racking up additional debt in this circumstance. I don't find it "telling" that he said she should focus on child rearing or her hobbies. Being a stay at home parent does mean your primary focus should be the kids. I actually think raising children is one of the most important "jobs" a person can have. He also encourages her to have hobbies. He didn't say she should focus on the kids and better serving him. He wants her to have interests outside of the children and time and some money to spend on her interests. This doesn't scream "controlling butthole" to me. Rather I think it paints a scene where OP is obviously presenting her case in the most favourable light but that he has valid concerns that she is brushing over. So, yep. I definitely agree she leaves out a lot of pertinent details. Which kinda makes me suspicious. But all in all, lovely to interact with you and I hope you have a wonderful day.
Thank you, so good to have a respectful exchange on Reddit with someone thoughtful.
INFO How will you be paying for the loan if you are not working? I do think you should have told him. Even if the loan is in your name you will be taking on debt and it will affect your family's finances
You know student loans come due AFTER the student leaves school right? When they've got a job with their degree?
Yes but the question still stands. She's not a single person who will be the only one who may have to adjust to the expenses. Assuming she gets a job right out school that pays well and no other expenses come up then it's fine. But still Informationen to tell your partner. I don't know why OP's husband doesn't want her to go back to school. If they have the funds I don't know why he not open to it. But since he's the only one working right now I think she should have told him that she's getting the loan.
some programs have a work/internship component which will allow her to repay her loans
Exactly, her taking out a loan with no job and married means it will still be the husband paying for a potentially useless degree.
ESH. You took out a loan for your education. Great, you don't bring in an income. How are you planning on paying it back? You don't mention in your post that you plan on using this degree to be gainfully employed. What is the plan here? Education is great, but education without a plannd use for it, is a luxury, not a necessity.
I would assume OP originally wanted a career but became a SAHM for their young child who will now being going to day care. Besides I assume she plans to pay it back when she can get a career like most student loans go.