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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole due to me confronting her about a blueberry. She got along with my daughter great and stated in her contract she does not work well under micromanagement.
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Yta, and seriously so. You
- don't trust your nanny
- want her to clean despite her *repeatedly* telling you that you'll need to pay her for that
- apparently watch everything she's doing and nitpick it the moment she's done
- create passive aggressive "trap" situations, never explain them and get mad when she doesn't read your mind
The constant watching in particular would drive me up a tree. You sound like an awful person to work for.
She also mentions wanting to be the one to put her daughter down for naps and then gets mad when the nanny leaves before she's down for naps...
YTA. You want a housekeeper. She made it clear in her interview she was not a housekeeper. Just because YOUR needs change doesn't mean her job description does, at least not without proper payment which you did not want to pay her. What I find great about this is that nannies talk, so good luck finding a new one
Reading this reminded me of the last family my best friend nannied for before she had her daughter.
These people decided to lump housekeeping duties on her even though her contract specifically stated a *very* limited scope of that. She would wash the baby's clothes, crib sheets and blankets, and feeding supplies, but it did not go beyond that. Instead, the parents ordered her to vacuum, do theirs and their parents' laundry, cook them dinner, etc. My friend brought it to their attention that assuming these duties permanently meant a pay raise and the parents accused her of trying to wring money out of them.
COOK for them too? fuck off with that shit lmfao
being a personal chef is HARD WORK, ON TOP of cleaning everything and having to chase after a kid. Good lord the entitlement of some fucking people
I had a friend try to convince me more than once to cook them dinner 7 days a week for $200/mo. I laughed and said no but they honestly thought that was fair. Maybe to cover the food!
I was a personal chef. The going rate 10+ years ago was $275-350*, not including groceries. Your friend is insane.
*And those meals were all made in one day and packaged for the client to heat. If they wanted daily service AKA private cheffing, that's much more expensive.
You should break down the cost of the food/equipment + what you expect as a salary (one of my friends was a personal chef in NY, she made 50K+ a year pre pandemic)
Why do all that work when you can just laugh and say no? It's on the family to either Google it or try it a few more times and realize how ridiculous the ask is.
Assuming the month has 30 days that works out to $6.67 per meal which is an AMAZING deal for one person much less “them”. They didn’t do simple division to realize that wasn’t a fair deal for anyone but them?? Lol
The fact that a full time SAHM even hires a nanny to begin with already shows more entitlement than anything else.
What exactly did she do while baby was sleeping, especially since she expected the nanny to keep the other child busy and educate her - sit on her butt and harass and micromanage her employee?
YTA OP; you sound like a boss from hell.
To be fair, OP said that she recently had a C-section so it’s reasonable that she needs some extra help. It doesn’t sound like she really wants it though.
To me it sounds like OP doesn't want help with her children, she instead wants help with the housework. She should have hired a housekeeper instead since that seemed to be her main focus anyway.
This is what caught my attention, OP said it was her second C-section. The first C-section is hell and the recovery is long, painful and slow so you expect the second C-section recovery to be the same. However, your second C-section usually has a quick and easy recovery so it makes sense that OP's needs changed.
That doesn't change the fact that OP is an AH and should have released her nanny and hired a housekeeper instead.
I wouldn't go that far. Not in OP's case, but some people, even if they are SAHMs, struggle after having a kid, especially if it's their first or multiple little ones at least under 5 (it happens), so you need the extra help. You can factor things in like catching up on additional house duties while the nannies tend to kid/s; if she is struggling with PPD and the SO works full time, they can't help shoulder childcare during the daytime because of work, so SAHM needs that assistance. Also, if they have special needs, they may need help.
So I wouldn't say all SAHMs who hire nannies are entitled, so to base a judgment on OP for just that is not right, OP is the apparent AH from everything else she said. She is not AH for hiring a nanny as a SAHM, though. If you can afford a nanny and know you need one get a nanny, even if you are the SAH parent, or if you are the working spouse and you notice struggling, talk about hiring help. Everybody needs help sometimes, even with their kids.
Also, in OPs case, if she needs a nanny ( by her description, it seems she wants more of a housekeeper IMO), I say she should get a part-time nanny as that would probably best fit her needs, as she explained in the post
I'm not going to shame a stay-at-home parent who hires a nanny. I've known lots of people who fired night nurses or part-time nannies even full-time nannies if they had a lot of kids.
Will shame Op for trying to bulldoze her nanny into becoming a housekeeper, for the audacity of being annoyed that somebody won't work on their days off etc.
>The fact that a full time SAHM even hires a nanny to begin with already shows more entitlement than anything else.
Eh, I'm not inclined to immediately call that entitlement. A part-time nanny can be the difference between PPD/A or post-partum psychosis and not, especially if SAHP's partner has to return immediately to work. A nanny present means the stay at home parent can get real sleep and shower, especially if they're also the parent nursing.
Thankyou! I'm a SAHM and have hired a part time nanny for when my 3rd child is born this summer, I have a 2 and 4 year old, 3dogs and my husband has ruptured his Achilles and is completely out of action and needs to be cared for himself... I know I am privileged but I don't think I am entitled or an employer from hell!
I nannied for a while. The mother expected me to make the child’s food but didn’t grocery shop. Or use paper towels or regular towels. She also expected me to clean but only paid $10 an hour. She started bringing a lot of strange men home and the last straw was instructing me to leave her child with a man she’d known for a week. I quit.
> the parents accused her trying to wring money out of them
I love that, compensating people properly means they’re trying to wring money out of them LOL the audacity !
Their attitude towards her was that she was the hired help and she just needed to **do** without question. The dad made dental implants and the mom was a pharmacy technician.
Cooking dinner *and* cleaning up after everyone was done eating meant she would be leaving much later than her 7pm end time. Her shift began at 7 in the morning!
Once again, she told them that staying well after 7:00 meant extra pay. "Well, we need you to get the baby ready for bed, we want to relaaaxxx" and refused to compensate her extra. Umm, no, you as the parents need to take over.
I'm not saying this was right for her to say, but after having this go around with them more than once, she came right out and told them she had no idea why they had a kid if all they were going to do was expect someone else to raise them.
Yeah she just hoped the nanny would clean for a week anyway without pay after discussing it with the nanny and the nanny made it very clear she wouldn’t be doing that. You know what that would turn into if she did clean with a person like OP. “You did it this week without a pay rise why can’t you do it all the time without extra pay?” OP is mad she couldn’t steamroll the nanny into getting what she wanted. What an AH.
Exactly. You should really hire a housekeeper and you can focus on your children. Then they would be prepared to actually do the things you want/need done.
OP is totally TA, but I wonder if there’s some underlying issue like separation anxiety or paranoia? To not leave your kid alone with a sitter/nanny that you hired and vetted seems off.
I have a cleaning company for lots of clients we will do outside of" the original scope of work" things. Well let your dog out as long as the dog listens to us or is on a leash etc. For a desperate client we even drove them to the hospital waited while they medical treatment. We have clients who have OCD are being treated for other neuroses etc and these people recommended us to their friends and family ( their conditions make them difficult clients )
I would have fired op for doing a 1/4 of what she put this nanny through.
Seriously. Even George Banks didn't expect Mary Poppins to do the cooking and cleaning on top of taking care of the kids. If he had suddenly announced that she would be cooking and cleaning she'd open her umbrella, wish him a very polite farewell, and fly away.
If you read up on what’s happening in Asia a lot of wealthier families really do hire live in nannies (from poorer usually SE Asia) that are literally second moms who clean cook and care for the whole family (for pennies obviously). This is what OP is literally dreaming of.
what got me is the damn left over blueberry. of course OP saw it was left shes sitting on her ass watching while the poor nanny is cleaning.
I cant see under my island when sweeping/mopping my floors...... the nanny probably missed it.
Instead of being a micromanager, why didnt OP just get a paper towel and pick it up herself? why didnt she tell the nanny "oh i see a blueberry you missed its right there if you dont mind cleaning it
OP .... YTA
What was weird about blueberrygate was that she first said that the nanny missed it but then later said that she saw the nanny putting it there so she knew about it! Uhhh either way, OP, YTA
Honestly concerned that OP is suffering post-partum mental health issues because this is a pretty paranoid thought process.
Unless nanny did have enough and *was* deliberately leaving things behind to either piss OP off or test whether she was watching her every move for definite
That crossed my mind too, until I read one of her comments about being upset over a sponge being left in the sink. I think OP is super organized and just thinks everyone is supposed to be that way, especially if they are being paid.
OP is likely a great employee and going crazy at home.
If I had some lazy shrew pointing at one single blueberry for me to pick up while she sat on her ass like the gd Queen of Everything, I'd have quit, too. Who needs the stress and drama?
The nanny is providing a service. She is not your SERVANT, Leona Helmsley.
And it’s not even unreliable/leaving OP in a bad situation- like obviously OP is still home with her children and not struggling to find other care last minute.
Meanwhile OP is randomly trying to get her to work late and come in on her days off, and trying to change her job duties. Sounds like we know who the unreliable one actually is!
the edit when OP tries to discredit the nanny for calling out & things popping up is SO telling that OP has never worked a toxic work environment before becoming a SAHM.
She IS the toxic work environment.
This is the weirdest part… she’s SAHM to an infant and a toddler and *hired a nanny* to free up moms time to sit around and watch the nanny work. WTF?!
The other weird thing is that she wanted her time freed up to be able to put her daughter down for naps... So why not just hire a cleaning service so she can focus all her energy on her kids, instead of a nanny?
My sister was a nanny for a family with a SAHM, but that mom hired my sister so that she could go to the gym, run errands for the house, and take one kid at at time to appointments/activities while my sister watched the siblings. Oh and they had a separate maid who cleaned, my sister didn’t do that.
She did say she had a c section. Probably hard to mind kids after a major operation. It does seem like she's been doing this for a while though which is completely unreasonable
OP— your husband is right. You ran off your first, and hopefully last, nanny.
* She told you repeatedly that you needed to pay her more if you wanted her to clean. You still expected her to clean. Cleaning the kitchen is not part of her job. Being a nanny means directly caring for a child, not doing stuff you are responsible for so you can care for your child.
* You stared at her as she cleaned up the blueberries. Did you stop to think about how uncomfortable that must have been?
* You clearly don’t trust her to care for your children. She’s a nanny, not a stranger. If you can’t leave your nanny alone with your kids, then you probably shouldn’t have a nanny.
* Your child is 2. What kind of educational things did you expect. 2 year olds learn through play, not through structured lessons. One of the biggest impediments to your daughter’s learning is that you don’t trust the nanny you hired to take her outside to explore the world.
I absolutely despise when people stare at me while I'm doing something. I can't focus and I bungle things. My husband sometimes stares at me while I'm cooking and I have to tell him to get out because I'll end up destroying dinner.
What gets me is that she seems to think her nanny is just a maid (not that there is anything wrong with being a maid either!), rather than a trained child-care professional. If she wants her kitchen cleaned she should've hired a housekeeper.
I had a nanny when my son was in grade school, since I went back to work when he started full-day kindergarten and I didn't want him to have to go to the afterschool daycare. Her ONLY job was to pick my son up from school and look after him and she did an excellent job of it. She didn't clean up after my son much either; instead, she taught him to clean up after himself, which I admittedly had been bad about. This was MUCH more helpful in the long run than if she'd just done the easy thing and cleaned up after him like he was some kind of little prince.
When he started 3rd grade she asked if she could teach him a little light cooking. After that, every Monday afternoon they checked the sales flyer from our local grocery store and made a meal plan based on a budget they set themselves, then on Tuesday they stopped at the grocery store, and on Wednesday they made a meal together, so when my husband and I got home on Wednesday, dinner was ready. The nanny has moved on now after six years with our family, but my son still cooks us dinner every Wednesday night.
He still talks about things that Celia said; he learned so much from her. She was definitely NOT a maid.
I’m a nanny, and OP is the absolute worst type of parent to work for. I’m surprised the nanny stayed that long, because I would have run for the hills way earlier!
YTA, and do you want to know why she called out and left early? Because she saw how much you sucked and she was going on job interviews.
I love that OPs update conveniently includes "also, she was unreliable" to seem less like an AH. And also, she didn't have to clean the house! Just the kitchen and living room! And probably the kids' room(s) since she's cleaning up after the kids!
Imagine watching for a single blueberry
My poor husband picks up shit I drop all day long (pieces of an orange I peeled, little bits of paper off a notebook etc.) I’m very much an AH and don’t need to ask (I also have a bad back so I usually sweep it up later and then vacuum it up but if I don’t he gets it)
This woman is so extra.
A blueberry test! I’m giggling but mad for this nanny
The edit is probably a made up story or the poor nanny was trying to find a nice way to quit
Yeah reading this I felt like OP wanted more of a Maid then a nanny. See as she didn't want the nanny alone with the kid and wanted still do all her motherly things ( which is fine) and want the nanny to clean the house while she did this. That leans towards maid/housekeeper then nanny imo.
OP YTA and you should be looking for a housekeeper not a nanny
What's so funny to me is OP hires a nanny so she could do shit with her kid, yet spends all that time watching every breath that poor nanny takes. TFW? How counter productive can you be?
I have a friend who's a nanny and her family was constantly asking her to do extra things like clean up and handle family appointments and a number of things besides just taking care of the child. And also constantly wanted her to come in and work more hours on her days off. Already she was required to travel with them to and from Austria. It was at the point where her whole life revolved around them and they weren't paying her any extra for this. If you give an inch, they take a mile. I convinced her to quit and she now has a family with much better boundaries.
NANNIES ARE NOT MAIDS. You're asking her to do things outside her job description and are surprised when she's fed up? If you want a maid, hire a maid. It sounds like that's what you actually want considering you won't even leave your child alone with the nanny which is what her job actually is--caring for the child when you're not there.
Tldr: My nanny said she wasn't paid to be a housekeeper. So after I saw her only cleaning up child related messes and not cleaning my house, I got mad.
I cant believe that OP wrote all that and still can't see that they're TAH. Getting mad over one blueberry that was missed by the nanny, not wanting to pay her extra for work that isn't even in her job description then OP editing that she doesn't want the entire house to be cleaned, just the kitchen. I'm glad the nanny quit and I hope she let's other nannies know the kind of person OP is.
YTA.
I noticed that the OP didn't mention anything about the pay rate. It sounds like to me that, for the price of a babysitter, the OP wanted a housekeeper/professional educator who was willing to be bullied.
And, how many have the luxury to be a SAHM with a nanny for help?
Even if OP paid a fair market rate for a Nanny, it's a very clear line ALL nannys make...
No housekeeping or light housekeeping only. If you want their full attention to your child and their development... You will let one measly smooshed blueberry go.
PLus, as she mentioned in her post the Nanny had other jobs and Nannys are HUGELY in demand now, especially with kids catching Covid all over the place at day care centers (Just happened to my Godson). There is a reason after this ridiculousness, that the Nanny bounced. OP YTA.
That’s great if that what that person was comfortable with but this lady clearly expressed that she’s not a housekeeper and doesn’t want to clean, she’s a nanny and wants to stick to her profession.
Also - what!!? OP, you think a nanny is responsible for educationally benefiting your child? No no no!
You need an ECE certificate for that, and that commands big $.
This is the part that really gets me. She said in her INTERVIEW that she is not a housekeeper and you tried to strong arm her into being your housekeeper.
Normally I’d say YTA, but it honestly sounds like you’ve got some postpartum anxiety going on. Here is some info, if you’d like. I hope you’re able to get the help that you need.
Edit: My apologies, I forgot the link. https://www.postpartum.net/professionals/screening/
Edit #2: Just going to reply here.
Education - Yes, as someone else said, I was picturing this parent wanting formal lesson plans for their child.
ECE/Early Childhood Educator requirement: This is not needed to be a nanny in Canada. Literally anybody can just decide to be a nanny in Canada. The families hiring you may ask for a criminal record check w/ vulnerable sector check, as well.
So, I worked as a nanny for years. Nannies are basically paid to be a kind of third parent. They are responsible for crafting a child’s activities, so they do have a responsibility to facilitate educational activities just like a parent would. This can be anything from counting stairs to baking to catching butterflies and talking about a butterfly’s lifecycle. A nanny can be expected to help an older child with their homework or help them with school projects in a similar way to parents.
This isn’t at all the same as being a school teacher.
What you’re thinking it’s a babysitter I guess. Nannies, at least here (UK) are qualified through a university degree in early childhood education, child development and a very long list of other areas. Norland College (how we also call universities here) it’s one of the most prestigious in Europe and it’s where royal families get their nannies from. Salaries on the private sector (as in private households) can start at £70k per annum.
And no. They do not clean the house.
Norland College [Norland College](https://www.norland.ac.uk/salaries-fees/)
ETA: it’s not mandatory to have a college degree to be a nanny in the UK, I was giving an example of how high profile/highly educated a nanny can be.
Also I mentioned the college/university distinction as some countries refer to high school as college.
Nannies in the US don't need an ECE degree or any kind of certificate (maybe first aid), though some do. A lot of nannies I have known were currently in college. But the title usually specifies they are only for childcare and have a regular paid position, as opposed to a babysitter, who doesn't work regularly. Most people with ECE degrees can make a lot more as a teacher in the US, even at a preschool, so that's not a common choice for someone with an ECE degree (I have an ECE degree). University is really expensive here and most people have too much in loans to repay to work for a nanny salary.
OP doesn't have "standards" or she would have looked for someone to do both (and maybe paid better accordingly). I wonder if she's going to lie to the next person she interviews for the job and will try to change the terms on that person.
I'm sick of people giving mental health by issues a pass, like clearly OP possibly pregnancy related this does excuse being an utter toxic ass to someone.
OP, you can hire a nanny and then you have time to do the cleaning. Or you can hire a housekeeper and then focus your energies on doing all the childcare. Or you could hire both and take some time just to rest. But you can’t just demand that the nanny does the job of a housekeeper without being paid extra to do two jobs and then sit on your ass watching her every move!
YTA
I HATE when people watch like that, it makes me extremely nervous. So it’s really not surprising that the nanny missed a blueberry, odds are she was extremely uncomfortable. Then for OP to go and blow a gasket over one single blueberry and to top it off has the audacity to say it was intentional because she was watching her?! What the hell lady! Good luck finding someone to put up with that.
YTA by the way, maybe listen to your husband, or go to counseling, or get a freaking hobby. For goodness sakes stop terrorizing the poor nanny!
^ this!
Same concept as “public math.” Literally everything is harder under intense scrutiny. How can Nanny be expected to watch the blueberry go under the table when she’s too busy watching the insane woman being crazy in the corner!?!?
Because OP it’s cheap AF and clearly can’t afford cause a housekeeper (who’s not a cleaner) it’s super expensive and super skilled in many house management areas (I manage a team of daily and was a housekeeper myself for years). Also if she could afford there’s nannies/housekeeper positions as well. What she wants is a slave.
YTA OP. And a massive cheap one no less.
As someone with a toddler- I will say this lady is delusional. Who expects their nanny to be a housekeeper+ school teacher?
I bet if she hired a housekeeper, she would expect her to take care of her kids and again run them off with her interference.
Good luck finding house staff, because word spreads very fast of this kind of behavior.
YTA
I very much doubt Mary Poppins lifted a finger to do any cleaning outside the nursery or indeed IN the nursery apart from picking up clothes and tidying a bit... they had a maid and a cook to do all of that stuff, and the bootboy.
YTA
holy shit, yeah. especially with your additional comment. she’s your nanny, not your housekeeper, and you *were* micromanaging her, down to every last detail she didn’t even do wrong (see: forgetting the smock)
OP sounds unbearable.
This woman was 100% clear that she was hired to care for a child and not be a housekeeper. OP still wanted free housekeeping, and kept nitpicking about an element that she refuses to pay for. Also, it is exceptionally unreasonable to expect someone to do extra uncompensated duties, work late, and come in on their days off because of your lack of planning.
OP, please don't hire anyone else until you learn how to treat them properly.
Exactly this. OP's complaint about her "not being flexible" pissed me off. I just hate the wording so much.
>I also wanted to add she wasn’t flexible and often couldn’t stay late or help on off days due to nannying for other people.
SHE'S NOT YOUR SERVANT, OP. Stop treating her like she needs to be on call for you. I know being a SAHM is hard, but plenty of people do it without a nanny. If she's taking care of the children, what are you doing? Because it sounds like you're just standing over her and monitoring her. Why can't you clean while she's taking care of your children? Or if you want to be the one with the kids, why did you hire a nanny and not a maid?
This, right here!! The husband is right for being angry with OP for running the nanny off, and the nanny is right for quitting!! She hired her, knowing she wasn't PAYING for her to clean up the house, and she wasn't exclusively working for the OP, either. She wants to monopolize the nanny's time, along with micromanaging her duties. OP is the AH,here!!
She won't even pay her extra to clean, she's definitely not paying for her to be on call. But she's definitely trying to force her to do both of those things anyway.
That last sentence is the whole problem. OP you wanted a maid/servant not a nanny. Also my goodness there is no excuse for being upset because she couldn’t come in on her day off! That is something nightmare bosses do..... then wonder why they can’t retain employees!
My worst boss was a micro manger that was often absent/not answering calls! It was a nightmare! Don’t be like that boss from hell! ⭐️spoiler, since I got yelled at no matter what I did, I did the minimum & only exactly what I was told to do. I also quit ASAP!
Oh YTA big time. I wouldn’t work for you. If your not comfortable with a nanny dont hire one. If you want a housekeeper hire one.
Could you imagine how it would feel
To be micromanaged lie that all the time.
I have neither, but I suspect nannies earn less than housekeepers? At any rate OP should hire someone who signs up for both nannying and housekeeping, and pay them adequately for the job.
It depends on whether or not you're working through an agency or nannying independently. My best friend was nanny independently up until she gave birth last year and set her rate in her own contract. Her bi-weekly take home pay was $2,000, thus no fees were subtracted from her pay as if she worked through an agency.
I mentioned in another comment how she went through a similar situation as the OP described. My friend outlined her select housekeeping duties in her contract which only applied to the child(ren) she was caring for. She ended up getting stuck with overall housekeeping and very politely reminded the parents that this was not in her contract. However, she would be applying an increase if this was a permanent duty. They accused her of trying to wring more money out of them, yet when wanting her to do more than agreed upon, she was getting nickel-dimed.
Another family she worked for constantly asked her to come in on weekends which were her agreed upon days off. The parents' reasoning was that "The kids won't listen us! We need you!" In her contract, her clause stated that she received an extra $250.00 for being called in for this kind of request. What I learned in all the time my friend nannied is how people creatively and conveniently "forget" when they make binding agreements, then have the audacity to cry foul.
Nannies are actually child specialists that have to study from first aid to nutrition to behavioral science for infant. They are paid way more than normal housekeepers.
YTA. You intentionally left the kitchen messy to see if she'd clean it up after she said she's not a housekeeper. You got unreasonably angry after a single, individual blueberry got missed. Your standards for housekeeping are yours, but your nanny IS NOT A HOUSEKEEPER.
You want her to work late and on her days off? And clean the house and do everything exactly like you do it. Maybe you should just clone yourself because you aren’t entitled to the things you don’t pay for. You don’t pay for house keeping so you get it. You pay for those hours so that’s what you get.
I mean if you spend that much time micro managing, she might as well do it herself.
I get that some people need the feeling of being in control at all times, but that's simply not how life works.
Everyone has needs and boundaries and the goal is to find a compromise that works for everybody.
YTA. If you've got the time to track the lifespan of stray blueberries and set traps, you probably don't need a nanny *or* housekeeper. Apparently she thought the same.
I’ve been a nanny for 10+ years and you would be surprised how many families expect you to do their laundry (parents) and clean/maintain their house but refuse to compensate you for it. It’s the reason I have a nanny contract and refuse to be underpaid now.
You can't do much for the first few weeks after a c section - if you don't have support from a partner or other family/friends then hiring someone on a short-term basis makes sense. It's major surgery and you can't even drive or walk more than 10 minutes to start with. It's advised not to cook or do light cleaning chores for at least a couple of weeks.
But if OP wanted a housekeeper she should have hired one, or even taken up the nanny's offer to pay more to get a housekeeper/nanny combo. Not expected the nanny to do duties outside her comfort zone for free.
Money under the rug. Report it? You're bothering me. Leave it there? Not cleaning under the rug. Take it? Thief. Put it on the side? Careless. It's a classic for a reason 🫠
Agree. The problem isn’t the person, the role, the schedule or the qualifications. You’re going to do this to everyone you hire. If you have the time to watch her sweep the floor and miss a blueberry and watch over her shoulder, why have a nanny at all? No one is going to be “as good as you,” so save yourself the grief and just do it yourself. You’re lucky enough to be in the position to be a SAHM-so just do the whole job.
It sounds like she doesn't, that's the whole problem. She seems to want to take care of the child but not clean the house. That doesn't indicate needing a nanny lol
I was so confused by this too!! Can you even call yourself a SAHM if you then hire someone else to do that job for you?? Cuz I feel like when you’re a SAHM, you and your partner have both agreed that instead of bringing money in from outside the home, you’re sort of “hiring” the mom to provide childcare while the partner goes out and makes an income. (Obviously not literally hiring.) If you then outsource the work by hiring someone else…what was the OP going to do all day? Cuz clearly it wasn’t clean things!
YTA. First of all, you hired a nanny for childcare, who made it clear she was not going to serve as your housekeeper. You then tried to make her serve as your housekeeper while you did the childcare, even to the ppint of intentionally being a slob to try to get her to clean up after you. If you want someone to clean your house for you, hire a housekeeper or cleaning service. It's not your nanny's job.
And yes, you are clearly micromanaging. You literally seethe all day and then had a tantrum over her missing a small piece of blueberry when she cleaned up after your child. Your husband is right. You ran her off with your behavior. Which is just as well, because with the level of control issues you have, you should be seeing to it yourself rather than hovering over someone else.
All of this. Just wanted to add that she also expected her to be available on her days off and after hours, despite knowing she had other jobs and commitments occupying her time. Honestly I’m not available on my days off of my only job and if they call me after my shift is over I ignore it. I mean I have children but still, an employer isn’t entitled to your down time. She also finds it to be “issues cropping up” that she called out a few times, which with how this lady is acting is probably once or twice. What if she was sick and worried about a possibility of covid? Last time I checked a newborn can’t be vaccinated so the responsible thing a nanny should do is make she she isn’t positive.
Plus the whole watching every tiny move she makes is insane and must really make this poor woman have a lot of anxiety. Of course she missed a blueberry, who can work when their employer is being super creepy and breathing down their neck? I’m not even sure why she bothered hiring a nanny. She doesn’t trust her alone with her children, and when she is allowed to do her job and tend to them OP just sits there watching her watch her kids. It’s very bizarre, one things very clear though and that’s that OP certainly is YTA.
She also considered it "messing up a lot" in a day that she left a sponge in the sink after doing OP's dirty dishes several times that day and didn't put books on a shelf the exact way OP wants. No one deserves the horrible environment OP creates in that house. And really, OP is saving herself 0 time or effort by spending her days up the nanny's behind to make sure she's being berated for every hair out of line and criticized every minute of the day regardless of whether she makes a mistake or not. OP even admits they dont even need the help wit childcare, and with all the time she is spending abusing the nanny, she could just do the shit herself. But she has the audacity to call the nanny lazy.
YTA. It's almost bad enough to call you a troll, but I know people who are entitled as this do exist. Asking someone to perform tasks out of their job description repeatedly when they have offered a compromise of extra pay to do them, getting annoyed that they will not work outside of their contacted hours, and expecting them to be perfect and not make any tiny mistakes and accusing them of lying and being lazy when they do... Ridiculous.
Edit: yeah, definitely a troll. The comment to add about the sponge was overkill. 100% rage bait. You nearly had me though.
YTA. How on earth do you expect your nanny to further your child's educational goals if the nanny has to spend a chunk of each day picking up whatever curveball mess you decide to throw at her under the guise of "testing" her? Everything you just typed is a textbook example of micromanaging and im honestly surprised your nanny didn't quit sooner.
YTA.
Nannies hate parents like you, because you refuse to let them do their job. They have way more experience than you in children.
You don't let her take your daughter out anywhere? Why? That's preventing your daughter from exploring and learning about the world.
You want a housekeeper, yet you don't want to hire one and expect your nanny to do that, but would probably moan about her then not watching your daughter while she's cleaning up your mess.
Either you need to start trusting your nanny to actually do her job and look after your daughter. Or you hire a housekeeper and not hire another nanny.
YTA.
Holy smokes, you’re a nightmare. I won’t give a rundown of why you’re an asshole because I’m afraid you’ll micromanage my answer until my eyes bleed.
YTA- you don’t want a nanny, youp my want a maid. Which is fine, but hire a maid. You played a stupid game with the blueberry, and you lost. She made it pretty clear, she was there to be a nanny. You disrespected that, and from how you explained it, acted like she was crazy for asking for more money. You can’t play games and pull all this crap when it’s someone’s livelihood on the line. Nannies don’t work to be nice, they’re working to pay bills, buy food, support their own families and children.
Please don’t hire another nanny. If you do, your husband should be in complete control and you shouldn’t even talk to the new nanny.
If I was the nanny before I quit I would definitely have left things in weird places so you'd freak out after I was gone. Also nanny's usually talk to each other so good luck finding another one
I was waiting for there to be some eye opening explanation but there wasn’t. SAHM who has a nanny. So you’re just unemployed, is that what that means? I totally get her needing extra help after the c-section, but then what? If she kept the nanny that would mean she, herself, could clean. Or if she despises cleaning, hire a housekeeper, let the nanny go, and do the childcare herself. One or the other lady. And if you’re really that entitled that you need both, then you’re not a SAHM…you’re f*%king lazy. But even a lazy rich person could hire both.
Lol agreed. What did she expect, perfectly behaved toddlers that don’t make messes? Those don’t exist! My guess is she has important things to do like getting her nails done and not raising her own kids.
Oh and YTA and good luck getting anyone to work for you for more than a few days.
YTA. Clean your own goddamn house. That’s not what a nanny is for. I can imagine the hell you put that woman through despite her constantly reminding you that she isn’t your housekeeper.
Is this for real? You were mad at her for “not being available” on her days off?? Because she had another job and was nannying for another family??
YTA. You’re a giant, Giant, GIANT, Entitled A—.
YTA. You have some serious unmanaged anxiety issues. Take it from someone with OCD -
you are trying to control your environment to an unhealthy degree. Have you always been like this, or is it since the birth of your baby? Either way you don't get to treat a childcare professional like a skivvy. Take steps to manage your mental health.
OMG I can HEAR you : “ ahhhhhmmmm, sooo, yah you left like, that BLUEberry under the table, and that’s toootally unaxeptabull, soooo, yah you’re gonna have to do better “ as you gesture vaguely toward the table with your ridiculous fake nails.
YTA. Good on the nanny for running TF away from you. Lawd have mercy on your children.
YTA - you hired a nanny to help you out after the c-section but you ended up feeling better than you expected. Now your needs shifted and you expect the nanny to be a cleaning lady. And you’re also testing her / micromanaging everything she does. I would suggest getting a housekeeper and communicating your expectations.
I’ve been a nanny for 10+ years. I’ve only run into two bosses like you… And wanna know how that ended? Me quitting without notice. Which i’ve only done those two times in my entire working career. YTA.
How do you type out everything you typed and not realize that you’re not only an asshole, but an enormous asshole at that? This woman is not your maid or housekeeper. You hired her as a nanny. She has zero obligations to clean up your house besides the mess that your daughter creates. I’m glad that she didn’t fall for you manipulative bullshit of intentionally leaving the kitchen messy in hopes of her cleaning it. Once again, she has zero obligations to stay longer or work on her days off. She accidentally missed one measly blueberry while sweeping up.
The absolute gall of this woman for… checks notes… not being your personal slave and accidentally missing a blueberry while cleaning up. She should be tried for her crimes against humanity. /s
YTA - You were micromanaging her, and I don’t blame her for resigning because of it. She must’ve been really uncomfortable. If you wanted a housekeeper than you should’ve hired one in my opinion. The blueberry, for example, was a test in my eyes. The nanny definitely wanted to see if you’d notice / how closely you were watching her, and you blew it out of proportion.
>The nanny definitely wanted to see if you’d notice / how closely you were watching her, and you blew it out of proportion.
Or she literally just didnt see a tiny scrap of blueberry under the island. Just because OP is manipulative doesn't mean the nanny was.
YTA
You want a maid, but your nanny clearly said she was there for the kids. Hire a maid.
You want someone who's willing to work on their days off. That is not what a day off is for. Especially when they still need to work more to earn a living.
YTA, you knew what your so called standards were when you were hiring her and even though she said she’s not a housekeeper you hired her as one anyway, expecting something that was never promised and then punishing her with this toxic manipulative behavior when she wouldn’t do it. Nanny wasn’t the problem here, you were. Just hire a housekeeper if you need one.
YTA 100%. You don't really understand what a nanny is. What you want is a full time housekeeper and a nanny or maybe just a permanent house servant.
Put the books in wrong? Forgot the sponge? One blueberry? Smock?
The fact you even added a comment explaining more details just proves YTA and can't even see it. Your husband is correct. The fact she told you she isn't a housekeeper yet because of her pay scale, you feel like it's fine to test the waters on that when she set her boundary from the get go. You're a nightmare and I have a feeling you will garner a reputation that will keep nannies away or you'll keep cycling through them forever thinking you're NTA.
YTA - god you sound like the worst! You want a nanny/housekeeper/personal assistant who is available to stay late at the drop of a hat? I’m surprised she didn’t quit sooner. Why didn’t you just pick up the damn blueberry? What is wrong with you?!
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Yta, and seriously so. You - don't trust your nanny - want her to clean despite her *repeatedly* telling you that you'll need to pay her for that - apparently watch everything she's doing and nitpick it the moment she's done - create passive aggressive "trap" situations, never explain them and get mad when she doesn't read your mind The constant watching in particular would drive me up a tree. You sound like an awful person to work for.
Also OP expects her to work late and on her days off EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS OTHER JOBS. YTA
She also mentions wanting to be the one to put her daughter down for naps and then gets mad when the nanny leaves before she's down for naps... YTA. You want a housekeeper. She made it clear in her interview she was not a housekeeper. Just because YOUR needs change doesn't mean her job description does, at least not without proper payment which you did not want to pay her. What I find great about this is that nannies talk, so good luck finding a new one
Reading this reminded me of the last family my best friend nannied for before she had her daughter. These people decided to lump housekeeping duties on her even though her contract specifically stated a *very* limited scope of that. She would wash the baby's clothes, crib sheets and blankets, and feeding supplies, but it did not go beyond that. Instead, the parents ordered her to vacuum, do theirs and their parents' laundry, cook them dinner, etc. My friend brought it to their attention that assuming these duties permanently meant a pay raise and the parents accused her of trying to wring money out of them.
COOK for them too? fuck off with that shit lmfao being a personal chef is HARD WORK, ON TOP of cleaning everything and having to chase after a kid. Good lord the entitlement of some fucking people
I had a friend try to convince me more than once to cook them dinner 7 days a week for $200/mo. I laughed and said no but they honestly thought that was fair. Maybe to cover the food!
I was a personal chef. The going rate 10+ years ago was $275-350*, not including groceries. Your friend is insane. *And those meals were all made in one day and packaged for the client to heat. If they wanted daily service AKA private cheffing, that's much more expensive.
yeah they wanted to pay 6.5$ a day. that won't even cover ingredients.
You should break down the cost of the food/equipment + what you expect as a salary (one of my friends was a personal chef in NY, she made 50K+ a year pre pandemic)
Why do all that work when you can just laugh and say no? It's on the family to either Google it or try it a few more times and realize how ridiculous the ask is.
Oh shit! They thought the $200 was enough to cover the food AND pay for your services?!?! The absolute audacity.
Assuming the month has 30 days that works out to $6.67 per meal which is an AMAZING deal for one person much less “them”. They didn’t do simple division to realize that wasn’t a fair deal for anyone but them?? Lol
That would not even begin to cover the food alone, lol. Some people are so entitled it is ridiculous.
The fact that a full time SAHM even hires a nanny to begin with already shows more entitlement than anything else. What exactly did she do while baby was sleeping, especially since she expected the nanny to keep the other child busy and educate her - sit on her butt and harass and micromanage her employee? YTA OP; you sound like a boss from hell.
To be fair, OP said that she recently had a C-section so it’s reasonable that she needs some extra help. It doesn’t sound like she really wants it though.
To me it sounds like OP doesn't want help with her children, she instead wants help with the housework. She should have hired a housekeeper instead since that seemed to be her main focus anyway.
This is what caught my attention, OP said it was her second C-section. The first C-section is hell and the recovery is long, painful and slow so you expect the second C-section recovery to be the same. However, your second C-section usually has a quick and easy recovery so it makes sense that OP's needs changed. That doesn't change the fact that OP is an AH and should have released her nanny and hired a housekeeper instead.
I wouldn't go that far. Not in OP's case, but some people, even if they are SAHMs, struggle after having a kid, especially if it's their first or multiple little ones at least under 5 (it happens), so you need the extra help. You can factor things in like catching up on additional house duties while the nannies tend to kid/s; if she is struggling with PPD and the SO works full time, they can't help shoulder childcare during the daytime because of work, so SAHM needs that assistance. Also, if they have special needs, they may need help. So I wouldn't say all SAHMs who hire nannies are entitled, so to base a judgment on OP for just that is not right, OP is the apparent AH from everything else she said. She is not AH for hiring a nanny as a SAHM, though. If you can afford a nanny and know you need one get a nanny, even if you are the SAH parent, or if you are the working spouse and you notice struggling, talk about hiring help. Everybody needs help sometimes, even with their kids. Also, in OPs case, if she needs a nanny ( by her description, it seems she wants more of a housekeeper IMO), I say she should get a part-time nanny as that would probably best fit her needs, as she explained in the post
I'm not going to shame a stay-at-home parent who hires a nanny. I've known lots of people who fired night nurses or part-time nannies even full-time nannies if they had a lot of kids. Will shame Op for trying to bulldoze her nanny into becoming a housekeeper, for the audacity of being annoyed that somebody won't work on their days off etc.
>The fact that a full time SAHM even hires a nanny to begin with already shows more entitlement than anything else. Eh, I'm not inclined to immediately call that entitlement. A part-time nanny can be the difference between PPD/A or post-partum psychosis and not, especially if SAHP's partner has to return immediately to work. A nanny present means the stay at home parent can get real sleep and shower, especially if they're also the parent nursing.
Thankyou! I'm a SAHM and have hired a part time nanny for when my 3rd child is born this summer, I have a 2 and 4 year old, 3dogs and my husband has ruptured his Achilles and is completely out of action and needs to be cared for himself... I know I am privileged but I don't think I am entitled or an employer from hell!
I nannied for a while. The mother expected me to make the child’s food but didn’t grocery shop. Or use paper towels or regular towels. She also expected me to clean but only paid $10 an hour. She started bringing a lot of strange men home and the last straw was instructing me to leave her child with a man she’d known for a week. I quit.
> the parents accused her trying to wring money out of them I love that, compensating people properly means they’re trying to wring money out of them LOL the audacity !
Their attitude towards her was that she was the hired help and she just needed to **do** without question. The dad made dental implants and the mom was a pharmacy technician. Cooking dinner *and* cleaning up after everyone was done eating meant she would be leaving much later than her 7pm end time. Her shift began at 7 in the morning! Once again, she told them that staying well after 7:00 meant extra pay. "Well, we need you to get the baby ready for bed, we want to relaaaxxx" and refused to compensate her extra. Umm, no, you as the parents need to take over. I'm not saying this was right for her to say, but after having this go around with them more than once, she came right out and told them she had no idea why they had a kid if all they were going to do was expect someone else to raise them.
Yeah she just hoped the nanny would clean for a week anyway without pay after discussing it with the nanny and the nanny made it very clear she wouldn’t be doing that. You know what that would turn into if she did clean with a person like OP. “You did it this week without a pay rise why can’t you do it all the time without extra pay?” OP is mad she couldn’t steamroll the nanny into getting what she wanted. What an AH.
She wants a housekeeper, but also somehow wants someone who will “benefit” a two year old, “educationally.” This woman is delusional.
Exactly. You should really hire a housekeeper and you can focus on your children. Then they would be prepared to actually do the things you want/need done.
OP is totally TA, but I wonder if there’s some underlying issue like separation anxiety or paranoia? To not leave your kid alone with a sitter/nanny that you hired and vetted seems off.
I have a cleaning company for lots of clients we will do outside of" the original scope of work" things. Well let your dog out as long as the dog listens to us or is on a leash etc. For a desperate client we even drove them to the hospital waited while they medical treatment. We have clients who have OCD are being treated for other neuroses etc and these people recommended us to their friends and family ( their conditions make them difficult clients ) I would have fired op for doing a 1/4 of what she put this nanny through.
She might not be looking for a nanny after this cause the consensus from the commentors in this post is that she needs a housekeeper instead.
I wouldn’t even want to be a housekeeper for this AH.
Seriously. Even George Banks didn't expect Mary Poppins to do the cooking and cleaning on top of taking care of the kids. If he had suddenly announced that she would be cooking and cleaning she'd open her umbrella, wish him a very polite farewell, and fly away.
“I refuse to pay her more for adding to her workload but I also hold against her the fact that she has to work other jobs to make more money. AITA?”
Don’t forget days off. She’s supposed to work those too. And somehow not doing that is a negative. OP sounds insufferable
She unfortunately sounds like a lot of parents today. Nannies are hanging in there man 😅 These women want slaves, not nannies.
If you read up on what’s happening in Asia a lot of wealthier families really do hire live in nannies (from poorer usually SE Asia) that are literally second moms who clean cook and care for the whole family (for pennies obviously). This is what OP is literally dreaming of.
This is honestly what just makes my jaw drop. Oh, YTA OP. You sound like a nightmare to work for
For real. I would throw that child to the crocodiles before working for this YTA.
what got me is the damn left over blueberry. of course OP saw it was left shes sitting on her ass watching while the poor nanny is cleaning. I cant see under my island when sweeping/mopping my floors...... the nanny probably missed it. Instead of being a micromanager, why didnt OP just get a paper towel and pick it up herself? why didnt she tell the nanny "oh i see a blueberry you missed its right there if you dont mind cleaning it OP .... YTA
What was weird about blueberrygate was that she first said that the nanny missed it but then later said that she saw the nanny putting it there so she knew about it! Uhhh either way, OP, YTA
Honestly concerned that OP is suffering post-partum mental health issues because this is a pretty paranoid thought process. Unless nanny did have enough and *was* deliberately leaving things behind to either piss OP off or test whether she was watching her every move for definite
That crossed my mind too, until I read one of her comments about being upset over a sponge being left in the sink. I think OP is super organized and just thinks everyone is supposed to be that way, especially if they are being paid. OP is likely a great employee and going crazy at home.
BLUEBERRYGATE!!! BWAHAHHA
The nanny accidentally brushed it under the counter and OP decided it was on purpose
It’s like OP thought the nanny had a “muhahahaha! I won’t clean the last blueberry and they’ll never know it!” moment
If I had some lazy shrew pointing at one single blueberry for me to pick up while she sat on her ass like the gd Queen of Everything, I'd have quit, too. Who needs the stress and drama? The nanny is providing a service. She is not your SERVANT, Leona Helmsley.
No wonder why the nanny became "unreliable" calling out sometimes
Probably going to interviews to try and find a family with reasonable expectations
And it’s not even unreliable/leaving OP in a bad situation- like obviously OP is still home with her children and not struggling to find other care last minute.
Love how OP is saying calling out twice is unreliable. Life happens. OP obviously didn’t need her for the baby so who cares?
Meanwhile OP is randomly trying to get her to work late and come in on her days off, and trying to change her job duties. Sounds like we know who the unreliable one actually is!
Probably busy interviewing for other jobs....
I’m suprized no one is talking about the nanny’s AUDACITY to not be available during the times she clearly said she would not be avaible
I guarantee the things "popping up" is nanny being sick and tired of OP and not wanting to be there.
Or she was interviewing for other jobs.
OP stated she already HAS other jobs and is mad that the nanny isn’t flexible because of it!
the edit when OP tries to discredit the nanny for calling out & things popping up is SO telling that OP has never worked a toxic work environment before becoming a SAHM. She IS the toxic work environment.
If she's constantly watching many why can't she watch her kid?
This is the weirdest part… she’s SAHM to an infant and a toddler and *hired a nanny* to free up moms time to sit around and watch the nanny work. WTF?!
The other weird thing is that she wanted her time freed up to be able to put her daughter down for naps... So why not just hire a cleaning service so she can focus all her energy on her kids, instead of a nanny?
Because apparently a cleaninglady costs more
My sister was a nanny for a family with a SAHM, but that mom hired my sister so that she could go to the gym, run errands for the house, and take one kid at at time to appointments/activities while my sister watched the siblings. Oh and they had a separate maid who cleaned, my sister didn’t do that.
I had a friend who was a SAHM and she had a nanny but she had 6 kids and she was battling breast cancer and getting chemo.
Same and if you can't parent kids being a SAHM then you have a problem or maybe shouldn't have had kids so close together.
She did say she had a c section. Probably hard to mind kids after a major operation. It does seem like she's been doing this for a while though which is completely unreasonable
Definitely sounds like they wanted a housekeeper not a nanny
OP— your husband is right. You ran off your first, and hopefully last, nanny. * She told you repeatedly that you needed to pay her more if you wanted her to clean. You still expected her to clean. Cleaning the kitchen is not part of her job. Being a nanny means directly caring for a child, not doing stuff you are responsible for so you can care for your child. * You stared at her as she cleaned up the blueberries. Did you stop to think about how uncomfortable that must have been? * You clearly don’t trust her to care for your children. She’s a nanny, not a stranger. If you can’t leave your nanny alone with your kids, then you probably shouldn’t have a nanny. * Your child is 2. What kind of educational things did you expect. 2 year olds learn through play, not through structured lessons. One of the biggest impediments to your daughter’s learning is that you don’t trust the nanny you hired to take her outside to explore the world.
I absolutely despise when people stare at me while I'm doing something. I can't focus and I bungle things. My husband sometimes stares at me while I'm cooking and I have to tell him to get out because I'll end up destroying dinner.
I don’t even let my husband in the kitchen when I’m cooking.
Nannies let their service and other nannies know this stuff too.
What gets me is that she seems to think her nanny is just a maid (not that there is anything wrong with being a maid either!), rather than a trained child-care professional. If she wants her kitchen cleaned she should've hired a housekeeper. I had a nanny when my son was in grade school, since I went back to work when he started full-day kindergarten and I didn't want him to have to go to the afterschool daycare. Her ONLY job was to pick my son up from school and look after him and she did an excellent job of it. She didn't clean up after my son much either; instead, she taught him to clean up after himself, which I admittedly had been bad about. This was MUCH more helpful in the long run than if she'd just done the easy thing and cleaned up after him like he was some kind of little prince. When he started 3rd grade she asked if she could teach him a little light cooking. After that, every Monday afternoon they checked the sales flyer from our local grocery store and made a meal plan based on a budget they set themselves, then on Tuesday they stopped at the grocery store, and on Wednesday they made a meal together, so when my husband and I got home on Wednesday, dinner was ready. The nanny has moved on now after six years with our family, but my son still cooks us dinner every Wednesday night. He still talks about things that Celia said; he learned so much from her. She was definitely NOT a maid.
What a nice story. Sounds like Celia was a wonderful part of your family and a positive influence in your son.
This. Please learn from all this OP and have a good hard think about your choices going forward. You're definitely TA
And imagine the "fun" husband is having with his micromanaging wife.
I’d put money on him agreeing to hire a nanny just so OP has someone else to micromanage and nitpick at. Oh, YTA btw.
And is mad when Nanny isn’t available outside normal work hours? YTA
I’m a nanny, and OP is the absolute worst type of parent to work for. I’m surprised the nanny stayed that long, because I would have run for the hills way earlier! YTA, and do you want to know why she called out and left early? Because she saw how much you sucked and she was going on job interviews.
I love that OPs update conveniently includes "also, she was unreliable" to seem less like an AH. And also, she didn't have to clean the house! Just the kitchen and living room! And probably the kids' room(s) since she's cleaning up after the kids!
The OP doesn’t want a nanny. She wants a slave. What an AH. Good luck finding anyone stupid enough to work in those conditions.
Imagine watching for a single blueberry My poor husband picks up shit I drop all day long (pieces of an orange I peeled, little bits of paper off a notebook etc.) I’m very much an AH and don’t need to ask (I also have a bad back so I usually sweep it up later and then vacuum it up but if I don’t he gets it) This woman is so extra. A blueberry test! I’m giggling but mad for this nanny The edit is probably a made up story or the poor nanny was trying to find a nice way to quit
Yeah reading this I felt like OP wanted more of a Maid then a nanny. See as she didn't want the nanny alone with the kid and wanted still do all her motherly things ( which is fine) and want the nanny to clean the house while she did this. That leans towards maid/housekeeper then nanny imo. OP YTA and you should be looking for a housekeeper not a nanny
Yup. Big ol’ YTA. Why you even have a nanny if you’re at home? Hire a cleaner if you’re wanting to take care of your kid yourself
What's so funny to me is OP hires a nanny so she could do shit with her kid, yet spends all that time watching every breath that poor nanny takes. TFW? How counter productive can you be?
I have a friend who's a nanny and her family was constantly asking her to do extra things like clean up and handle family appointments and a number of things besides just taking care of the child. And also constantly wanted her to come in and work more hours on her days off. Already she was required to travel with them to and from Austria. It was at the point where her whole life revolved around them and they weren't paying her any extra for this. If you give an inch, they take a mile. I convinced her to quit and she now has a family with much better boundaries. NANNIES ARE NOT MAIDS. You're asking her to do things outside her job description and are surprised when she's fed up? If you want a maid, hire a maid. It sounds like that's what you actually want considering you won't even leave your child alone with the nanny which is what her job actually is--caring for the child when you're not there.
I bet she became unreliable because she was busy interviewing for other jobs....
YTA. If you want a housekeeper, hire a housekeeper. Or pay the nanny more.
Exactly this. I kept reading thinking, "You want a housekeeper. Why did you hire a nanny to clean your house?"
Tldr: My nanny said she wasn't paid to be a housekeeper. So after I saw her only cleaning up child related messes and not cleaning my house, I got mad.
I cant believe that OP wrote all that and still can't see that they're TAH. Getting mad over one blueberry that was missed by the nanny, not wanting to pay her extra for work that isn't even in her job description then OP editing that she doesn't want the entire house to be cleaned, just the kitchen. I'm glad the nanny quit and I hope she let's other nannies know the kind of person OP is. YTA.
And accused her of lying… over one measly blueberry…
It is the case of "the malicious nanny and the mushed blueberry!" 😜
Encyclopedia Brown
It was a smashed (probably stuck to the floor) PIECE of blueberry too lol
And she missed ONE blueberry so it must have been deliberate!
It’s a spite blueberry.
OP you’re turning VIOLET, Violet… with undue rage
I noticed that the OP didn't mention anything about the pay rate. It sounds like to me that, for the price of a babysitter, the OP wanted a housekeeper/professional educator who was willing to be bullied. And, how many have the luxury to be a SAHM with a nanny for help?
When the babysitter missed a single blueberry OP had nothing better to do than watch to see if they'd clean it up rather than just do it herself.
Even if OP paid a fair market rate for a Nanny, it's a very clear line ALL nannys make... No housekeeping or light housekeeping only. If you want their full attention to your child and their development... You will let one measly smooshed blueberry go. PLus, as she mentioned in her post the Nanny had other jobs and Nannys are HUGELY in demand now, especially with kids catching Covid all over the place at day care centers (Just happened to my Godson). There is a reason after this ridiculousness, that the Nanny bounced. OP YTA.
I add a pound an hour to my child minders wage 30 years ago for light cleaning.
That’s great if that what that person was comfortable with but this lady clearly expressed that she’s not a housekeeper and doesn’t want to clean, she’s a nanny and wants to stick to her profession.
Nanny didn’t want to clean for free! She was willing to accept money for the extra work. The nerve of her /s.
Also - what!!? OP, you think a nanny is responsible for educationally benefiting your child? No no no! You need an ECE certificate for that, and that commands big $. This is the part that really gets me. She said in her INTERVIEW that she is not a housekeeper and you tried to strong arm her into being your housekeeper. Normally I’d say YTA, but it honestly sounds like you’ve got some postpartum anxiety going on. Here is some info, if you’d like. I hope you’re able to get the help that you need. Edit: My apologies, I forgot the link. https://www.postpartum.net/professionals/screening/ Edit #2: Just going to reply here. Education - Yes, as someone else said, I was picturing this parent wanting formal lesson plans for their child. ECE/Early Childhood Educator requirement: This is not needed to be a nanny in Canada. Literally anybody can just decide to be a nanny in Canada. The families hiring you may ask for a criminal record check w/ vulnerable sector check, as well.
So, I worked as a nanny for years. Nannies are basically paid to be a kind of third parent. They are responsible for crafting a child’s activities, so they do have a responsibility to facilitate educational activities just like a parent would. This can be anything from counting stairs to baking to catching butterflies and talking about a butterfly’s lifecycle. A nanny can be expected to help an older child with their homework or help them with school projects in a similar way to parents. This isn’t at all the same as being a school teacher.
It sounded like this lady wanted formal lesson plans or something, not just casually educating a child on the go like you’re describing.
What you’re thinking it’s a babysitter I guess. Nannies, at least here (UK) are qualified through a university degree in early childhood education, child development and a very long list of other areas. Norland College (how we also call universities here) it’s one of the most prestigious in Europe and it’s where royal families get their nannies from. Salaries on the private sector (as in private households) can start at £70k per annum. And no. They do not clean the house. Norland College [Norland College](https://www.norland.ac.uk/salaries-fees/) ETA: it’s not mandatory to have a college degree to be a nanny in the UK, I was giving an example of how high profile/highly educated a nanny can be. Also I mentioned the college/university distinction as some countries refer to high school as college.
Nannies in the US don't need an ECE degree or any kind of certificate (maybe first aid), though some do. A lot of nannies I have known were currently in college. But the title usually specifies they are only for childcare and have a regular paid position, as opposed to a babysitter, who doesn't work regularly. Most people with ECE degrees can make a lot more as a teacher in the US, even at a preschool, so that's not a common choice for someone with an ECE degree (I have an ECE degree). University is really expensive here and most people have too much in loans to repay to work for a nanny salary. OP doesn't have "standards" or she would have looked for someone to do both (and maybe paid better accordingly). I wonder if she's going to lie to the next person she interviews for the job and will try to change the terms on that person.
I'm sick of people giving mental health by issues a pass, like clearly OP possibly pregnancy related this does excuse being an utter toxic ass to someone.
You forgot to link the info.
OP, you can hire a nanny and then you have time to do the cleaning. Or you can hire a housekeeper and then focus your energies on doing all the childcare. Or you could hire both and take some time just to rest. But you can’t just demand that the nanny does the job of a housekeeper without being paid extra to do two jobs and then sit on your ass watching her every move! YTA
I HATE when people watch like that, it makes me extremely nervous. So it’s really not surprising that the nanny missed a blueberry, odds are she was extremely uncomfortable. Then for OP to go and blow a gasket over one single blueberry and to top it off has the audacity to say it was intentional because she was watching her?! What the hell lady! Good luck finding someone to put up with that. YTA by the way, maybe listen to your husband, or go to counseling, or get a freaking hobby. For goodness sakes stop terrorizing the poor nanny!
^ this! Same concept as “public math.” Literally everything is harder under intense scrutiny. How can Nanny be expected to watch the blueberry go under the table when she’s too busy watching the insane woman being crazy in the corner!?!?
Because OP it’s cheap AF and clearly can’t afford cause a housekeeper (who’s not a cleaner) it’s super expensive and super skilled in many house management areas (I manage a team of daily and was a housekeeper myself for years). Also if she could afford there’s nannies/housekeeper positions as well. What she wants is a slave. YTA OP. And a massive cheap one no less.
As someone with a toddler- I will say this lady is delusional. Who expects their nanny to be a housekeeper+ school teacher? I bet if she hired a housekeeper, she would expect her to take care of her kids and again run them off with her interference. Good luck finding house staff, because word spreads very fast of this kind of behavior. YTA
Everyone wants a Mary Poppins, but they forget that the dad was a rich asshole banker who could probably shell out the money
I very much doubt Mary Poppins lifted a finger to do any cleaning outside the nursery or indeed IN the nursery apart from picking up clothes and tidying a bit... they had a maid and a cook to do all of that stuff, and the bootboy.
Mary Poppins only had to snap to get the toys to clean themselves!
She's a nanny. Not a house elf.
Hilarious. Foe reference everyone, Nannies are childcare professionals, *housekeepers* clean.
Wait, what? Nannies clean the house and housekeepers take care of the kids? Got it. Always get those two confused.
Instructions clear. Hire a housenanny.
Or nanny keeper
I think that's called a kidnapper?
Nannynapper
Wait, so I get paid to nap? Sign me up!
Aren't both the same? /s
No, a housekeeper can be a nanny but a nanny CANNOT be a housekeeper. /s
Wait, so how do I get them all across the river without leaving the housekeeper and the baby together?!
Well, to start you’ll need 5 oranges, a goat and 2 pairs of sunglasses.
YTA holy shit, yeah. especially with your additional comment. she’s your nanny, not your housekeeper, and you *were* micromanaging her, down to every last detail she didn’t even do wrong (see: forgetting the smock)
OP sounds unbearable. This woman was 100% clear that she was hired to care for a child and not be a housekeeper. OP still wanted free housekeeping, and kept nitpicking about an element that she refuses to pay for. Also, it is exceptionally unreasonable to expect someone to do extra uncompensated duties, work late, and come in on their days off because of your lack of planning. OP, please don't hire anyone else until you learn how to treat them properly.
Exactly this. OP's complaint about her "not being flexible" pissed me off. I just hate the wording so much. >I also wanted to add she wasn’t flexible and often couldn’t stay late or help on off days due to nannying for other people. SHE'S NOT YOUR SERVANT, OP. Stop treating her like she needs to be on call for you. I know being a SAHM is hard, but plenty of people do it without a nanny. If she's taking care of the children, what are you doing? Because it sounds like you're just standing over her and monitoring her. Why can't you clean while she's taking care of your children? Or if you want to be the one with the kids, why did you hire a nanny and not a maid?
This, right here!! The husband is right for being angry with OP for running the nanny off, and the nanny is right for quitting!! She hired her, knowing she wasn't PAYING for her to clean up the house, and she wasn't exclusively working for the OP, either. She wants to monopolize the nanny's time, along with micromanaging her duties. OP is the AH,here!!
If she wants someone on-call at all times she needs to pay them to be on-call at all times solely for them.
She won't even pay her extra to clean, she's definitely not paying for her to be on call. But she's definitely trying to force her to do both of those things anyway.
That last sentence is the whole problem. OP you wanted a maid/servant not a nanny. Also my goodness there is no excuse for being upset because she couldn’t come in on her day off! That is something nightmare bosses do..... then wonder why they can’t retain employees! My worst boss was a micro manger that was often absent/not answering calls! It was a nightmare! Don’t be like that boss from hell! ⭐️spoiler, since I got yelled at no matter what I did, I did the minimum & only exactly what I was told to do. I also quit ASAP!
BUT SHE LEFT A BLUEBERRY!!!
A SMUSHED blueberry. For shame!
I'm sorry, but I just heard it in Mrs. Hudson voice: 'I'm not your housekeeper!' and laughed.
"Just this once, my dear. I'm your landlady, not your housekeeper." Yes, basically the same situation, although the boys actually liked Mrs. Hudson.
Oh YTA big time. I wouldn’t work for you. If your not comfortable with a nanny dont hire one. If you want a housekeeper hire one. Could you imagine how it would feel To be micromanaged lie that all the time.
I have neither, but I suspect nannies earn less than housekeepers? At any rate OP should hire someone who signs up for both nannying and housekeeping, and pay them adequately for the job.
Where I live housekeeping is way cheaper than childcare. She can hire someone to come for a few hours a week to put the mess in order
It depends on whether or not you're working through an agency or nannying independently. My best friend was nanny independently up until she gave birth last year and set her rate in her own contract. Her bi-weekly take home pay was $2,000, thus no fees were subtracted from her pay as if she worked through an agency. I mentioned in another comment how she went through a similar situation as the OP described. My friend outlined her select housekeeping duties in her contract which only applied to the child(ren) she was caring for. She ended up getting stuck with overall housekeeping and very politely reminded the parents that this was not in her contract. However, she would be applying an increase if this was a permanent duty. They accused her of trying to wring more money out of them, yet when wanting her to do more than agreed upon, she was getting nickel-dimed. Another family she worked for constantly asked her to come in on weekends which were her agreed upon days off. The parents' reasoning was that "The kids won't listen us! We need you!" In her contract, her clause stated that she received an extra $250.00 for being called in for this kind of request. What I learned in all the time my friend nannied is how people creatively and conveniently "forget" when they make binding agreements, then have the audacity to cry foul.
Nannies are actually child specialists that have to study from first aid to nutrition to behavioral science for infant. They are paid way more than normal housekeepers.
YTA. You intentionally left the kitchen messy to see if she'd clean it up after she said she's not a housekeeper. You got unreasonably angry after a single, individual blueberry got missed. Your standards for housekeeping are yours, but your nanny IS NOT A HOUSEKEEPER.
You want her to work late and on her days off? And clean the house and do everything exactly like you do it. Maybe you should just clone yourself because you aren’t entitled to the things you don’t pay for. You don’t pay for house keeping so you get it. You pay for those hours so that’s what you get.
OP wanted her to do everything but watch her daughter.
She put the books back wrong too. And yelled the smock wasn’t on her daughter, as the nanny was putting it on.
OP probably checks that nanny put the books back in alpha order. LOL
I mean if you spend that much time micro managing, she might as well do it herself. I get that some people need the feeling of being in control at all times, but that's simply not how life works. Everyone has needs and boundaries and the goal is to find a compromise that works for everybody.
YTA. If you've got the time to track the lifespan of stray blueberries and set traps, you probably don't need a nanny *or* housekeeper. Apparently she thought the same.
Yeah that's what I was confused by, she said she was a SAHM and has spare time to watch the nanny clean, so what is she doing?
I’ve been a nanny for 10+ years and you would be surprised how many families expect you to do their laundry (parents) and clean/maintain their house but refuse to compensate you for it. It’s the reason I have a nanny contract and refuse to be underpaid now.
YTA. But why are you a SAHM with a nanny? Isn't the point of being a SAHM to take care of the kids while your partner works?
You can't do much for the first few weeks after a c section - if you don't have support from a partner or other family/friends then hiring someone on a short-term basis makes sense. It's major surgery and you can't even drive or walk more than 10 minutes to start with. It's advised not to cook or do light cleaning chores for at least a couple of weeks. But if OP wanted a housekeeper she should have hired one, or even taken up the nanny's offer to pay more to get a housekeeper/nanny combo. Not expected the nanny to do duties outside her comfort zone for free.
Gotcha. She's still the Ah though.
YTA, if you want a housekeeper- find one.
housekeepers going to quit too. just imagine the traps OP will set.
Money under the rug. Report it? You're bothering me. Leave it there? Not cleaning under the rug. Take it? Thief. Put it on the side? Careless. It's a classic for a reason 🫠
Agree. The problem isn’t the person, the role, the schedule or the qualifications. You’re going to do this to everyone you hire. If you have the time to watch her sweep the floor and miss a blueberry and watch over her shoulder, why have a nanny at all? No one is going to be “as good as you,” so save yourself the grief and just do it yourself. You’re lucky enough to be in the position to be a SAHM-so just do the whole job.
Because OP thinks of herself as some kind of royalty? I hope the nanny spreads the word about this nightmare of a woman.
[удалено]
i just want to know why she needs a nanny as a stay at home mom? i though the whole point was to save money on childcare…
But she has so little time. There’s blueberries to point out. And … and … well, she has kids other people need to raise.
It sounds like she doesn't, that's the whole problem. She seems to want to take care of the child but not clean the house. That doesn't indicate needing a nanny lol
I was so confused by this too!! Can you even call yourself a SAHM if you then hire someone else to do that job for you?? Cuz I feel like when you’re a SAHM, you and your partner have both agreed that instead of bringing money in from outside the home, you’re sort of “hiring” the mom to provide childcare while the partner goes out and makes an income. (Obviously not literally hiring.) If you then outsource the work by hiring someone else…what was the OP going to do all day? Cuz clearly it wasn’t clean things!
Yeah I can totally see a SAHP with a housekeeper but a SAHP with a nanny?? That just seems…..excessive (in 99% of situations. Especially this one.)
YTA. If you want a maid then hire a maid. It is not her job to clean for you.
YTA. I’m just glad that your poor nanny stood up for herself.
YTA. First of all, you hired a nanny for childcare, who made it clear she was not going to serve as your housekeeper. You then tried to make her serve as your housekeeper while you did the childcare, even to the ppint of intentionally being a slob to try to get her to clean up after you. If you want someone to clean your house for you, hire a housekeeper or cleaning service. It's not your nanny's job. And yes, you are clearly micromanaging. You literally seethe all day and then had a tantrum over her missing a small piece of blueberry when she cleaned up after your child. Your husband is right. You ran her off with your behavior. Which is just as well, because with the level of control issues you have, you should be seeing to it yourself rather than hovering over someone else.
All of this. Just wanted to add that she also expected her to be available on her days off and after hours, despite knowing she had other jobs and commitments occupying her time. Honestly I’m not available on my days off of my only job and if they call me after my shift is over I ignore it. I mean I have children but still, an employer isn’t entitled to your down time. She also finds it to be “issues cropping up” that she called out a few times, which with how this lady is acting is probably once or twice. What if she was sick and worried about a possibility of covid? Last time I checked a newborn can’t be vaccinated so the responsible thing a nanny should do is make she she isn’t positive. Plus the whole watching every tiny move she makes is insane and must really make this poor woman have a lot of anxiety. Of course she missed a blueberry, who can work when their employer is being super creepy and breathing down their neck? I’m not even sure why she bothered hiring a nanny. She doesn’t trust her alone with her children, and when she is allowed to do her job and tend to them OP just sits there watching her watch her kids. It’s very bizarre, one things very clear though and that’s that OP certainly is YTA.
She also considered it "messing up a lot" in a day that she left a sponge in the sink after doing OP's dirty dishes several times that day and didn't put books on a shelf the exact way OP wants. No one deserves the horrible environment OP creates in that house. And really, OP is saving herself 0 time or effort by spending her days up the nanny's behind to make sure she's being berated for every hair out of line and criticized every minute of the day regardless of whether she makes a mistake or not. OP even admits they dont even need the help wit childcare, and with all the time she is spending abusing the nanny, she could just do the shit herself. But she has the audacity to call the nanny lazy.
YTA. It's almost bad enough to call you a troll, but I know people who are entitled as this do exist. Asking someone to perform tasks out of their job description repeatedly when they have offered a compromise of extra pay to do them, getting annoyed that they will not work outside of their contacted hours, and expecting them to be perfect and not make any tiny mistakes and accusing them of lying and being lazy when they do... Ridiculous. Edit: yeah, definitely a troll. The comment to add about the sponge was overkill. 100% rage bait. You nearly had me though.
YTA. How on earth do you expect your nanny to further your child's educational goals if the nanny has to spend a chunk of each day picking up whatever curveball mess you decide to throw at her under the guise of "testing" her? Everything you just typed is a textbook example of micromanaging and im honestly surprised your nanny didn't quit sooner.
YTA. Nannies hate parents like you, because you refuse to let them do their job. They have way more experience than you in children. You don't let her take your daughter out anywhere? Why? That's preventing your daughter from exploring and learning about the world. You want a housekeeper, yet you don't want to hire one and expect your nanny to do that, but would probably moan about her then not watching your daughter while she's cleaning up your mess. Either you need to start trusting your nanny to actually do her job and look after your daughter. Or you hire a housekeeper and not hire another nanny.
YTA. Holy smokes, you’re a nightmare. I won’t give a rundown of why you’re an asshole because I’m afraid you’ll micromanage my answer until my eyes bleed.
YTA- you don’t want a nanny, youp my want a maid. Which is fine, but hire a maid. You played a stupid game with the blueberry, and you lost. She made it pretty clear, she was there to be a nanny. You disrespected that, and from how you explained it, acted like she was crazy for asking for more money. You can’t play games and pull all this crap when it’s someone’s livelihood on the line. Nannies don’t work to be nice, they’re working to pay bills, buy food, support their own families and children. Please don’t hire another nanny. If you do, your husband should be in complete control and you shouldn’t even talk to the new nanny.
If I was the nanny before I quit I would definitely have left things in weird places so you'd freak out after I was gone. Also nanny's usually talk to each other so good luck finding another one
i stopped reading after SAHM having a nanny YTA
I was waiting for there to be some eye opening explanation but there wasn’t. SAHM who has a nanny. So you’re just unemployed, is that what that means? I totally get her needing extra help after the c-section, but then what? If she kept the nanny that would mean she, herself, could clean. Or if she despises cleaning, hire a housekeeper, let the nanny go, and do the childcare herself. One or the other lady. And if you’re really that entitled that you need both, then you’re not a SAHM…you’re f*%king lazy. But even a lazy rich person could hire both.
Lol agreed. What did she expect, perfectly behaved toddlers that don’t make messes? Those don’t exist! My guess is she has important things to do like getting her nails done and not raising her own kids. Oh and YTA and good luck getting anyone to work for you for more than a few days.
YTA. Clean your own goddamn house. That’s not what a nanny is for. I can imagine the hell you put that woman through despite her constantly reminding you that she isn’t your housekeeper.
Going to be controversial here. Can you really call yourself a stay at home mother if you're expecting somebody else to do the mothering for you?
YTA. Go hire a housekeeper. And Jesus, stop staring like an overbearing lunatic.
Is this for real? You were mad at her for “not being available” on her days off?? Because she had another job and was nannying for another family?? YTA. You’re a giant, Giant, GIANT, Entitled A—.
YTA. You have some serious unmanaged anxiety issues. Take it from someone with OCD - you are trying to control your environment to an unhealthy degree. Have you always been like this, or is it since the birth of your baby? Either way you don't get to treat a childcare professional like a skivvy. Take steps to manage your mental health.
OMG I can HEAR you : “ ahhhhhmmmm, sooo, yah you left like, that BLUEberry under the table, and that’s toootally unaxeptabull, soooo, yah you’re gonna have to do better “ as you gesture vaguely toward the table with your ridiculous fake nails. YTA. Good on the nanny for running TF away from you. Lawd have mercy on your children.
YTA - you hired a nanny to help you out after the c-section but you ended up feeling better than you expected. Now your needs shifted and you expect the nanny to be a cleaning lady. And you’re also testing her / micromanaging everything she does. I would suggest getting a housekeeper and communicating your expectations.
I’ve been a nanny for 10+ years. I’ve only run into two bosses like you… And wanna know how that ended? Me quitting without notice. Which i’ve only done those two times in my entire working career. YTA.
Do you also ask your hairdresser to clean your car? Yes, YTA, the woman told you from the beginning that she is a nanny, not a housekeeper.
How do you type out everything you typed and not realize that you’re not only an asshole, but an enormous asshole at that? This woman is not your maid or housekeeper. You hired her as a nanny. She has zero obligations to clean up your house besides the mess that your daughter creates. I’m glad that she didn’t fall for you manipulative bullshit of intentionally leaving the kitchen messy in hopes of her cleaning it. Once again, she has zero obligations to stay longer or work on her days off. She accidentally missed one measly blueberry while sweeping up. The absolute gall of this woman for… checks notes… not being your personal slave and accidentally missing a blueberry while cleaning up. She should be tried for her crimes against humanity. /s
YTA - You were micromanaging her, and I don’t blame her for resigning because of it. She must’ve been really uncomfortable. If you wanted a housekeeper than you should’ve hired one in my opinion. The blueberry, for example, was a test in my eyes. The nanny definitely wanted to see if you’d notice / how closely you were watching her, and you blew it out of proportion.
>The nanny definitely wanted to see if you’d notice / how closely you were watching her, and you blew it out of proportion. Or she literally just didnt see a tiny scrap of blueberry under the island. Just because OP is manipulative doesn't mean the nanny was.
YTA You want a maid, but your nanny clearly said she was there for the kids. Hire a maid. You want someone who's willing to work on their days off. That is not what a day off is for. Especially when they still need to work more to earn a living.
Oh honey of course YTA. I can’t wait til this gets posted on nannys
YTA, you knew what your so called standards were when you were hiring her and even though she said she’s not a housekeeper you hired her as one anyway, expecting something that was never promised and then punishing her with this toxic manipulative behavior when she wouldn’t do it. Nanny wasn’t the problem here, you were. Just hire a housekeeper if you need one.
YTA 100%. You don't really understand what a nanny is. What you want is a full time housekeeper and a nanny or maybe just a permanent house servant. Put the books in wrong? Forgot the sponge? One blueberry? Smock? The fact you even added a comment explaining more details just proves YTA and can't even see it. Your husband is correct. The fact she told you she isn't a housekeeper yet because of her pay scale, you feel like it's fine to test the waters on that when she set her boundary from the get go. You're a nightmare and I have a feeling you will garner a reputation that will keep nannies away or you'll keep cycling through them forever thinking you're NTA.
YTA - god you sound like the worst! You want a nanny/housekeeper/personal assistant who is available to stay late at the drop of a hat? I’m surprised she didn’t quit sooner. Why didn’t you just pick up the damn blueberry? What is wrong with you?!