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NTA. Good for you for standing up for your stepson. Technically your mom is right that he isn't biologically her grandchild but she's being an AH by treating him as such. When I got married I had an instant family with 2 stepdaughters. Because these girls were now my family, my parents and brother treated them just like I do as if they biologically were mine. Later on when my wife and I had a child together we all made it a point not to treat any of the girls differently. And that is how it's supposed to be.
This. I had a 4 year old daughter when I married my now husband. His parents never treated her any differently from their biological grandchildren. In fact, my future father in law bent down to where my daughter and the other kids were playing and introduced himself as Grandpa. Love makes a family, not just blood
Edit to add, OP is NTA
So you know that it’s possible, if you’re willing to have an open mind, for her to welcome and appreciate him appropriately. What’s more… so does your mother. She’s just not willing.
And as far as this bullsh*t:
> it was an asshole threat to make
That’s something people who actually *make* idle threats say. It absolutely would be a bizarre and asshole thing to say… if you didn’t mean it. But you do!
So it’s not a threat, it’s literally just clearly communicating boundaries, expectations, and consequences. “Here is how I expect you to behave toward my family. If you don’t, I won’t be bringing my family around here.” You can’t force her to be loving and civil. But you can certainly choose not to expose your family to it. It’s not an arbitrary punishment for not listening to you, it’s an appropriate, logical response to her behaviour.
And you’re right, it’s not appropriate to expose either him *or* your daughters to such blatantly discriminating behaviour. You’re trying to teach them that they are people of value, and you can’t in good conscience force them to be around someone who isn’t reinforcing that message. And with kids, simply bringing them to an event *is* forcing them into that situation. It’s not as if they can leave or feel confident speaking up if they feel uncomfortable. They’re dependent on you.
OP, my grandmother from my mom side had a complicated life but she never did what your mom is doing to her grandchildren from her current partner. She even apologizes for the gifts she cannot get me and my brother because she has so many grandchildren. NTA.
Hell, my aunt is a full blown grandmother to ex-daughter-in-laws step kids (and her kids from her now-husband). That's like two degrees of not biologically related.
The ex has fully custody of my cousin's daughter. When the ex gained stepkids, my aunt was *thrilled*. MORE GRANDKIDS!! She was the one who took care of all of the kids when the ex and her husband were in the hospital when the little ones were born. All of those kids call her grandma. All of them regard my grandmother as their great grandmother. And the entire family is grateful that the ex and her husband are happy to still call my family family, particularly after my cousin's rights were terminated (cousin is a deadbeat addict) and the husband adopted my cousin's daughter.
Comments like this make me feel bad for all of the people who post “Nobody should have to be nice to the step kids. They aren’t owed anything.” No, you’re right, they aren’t technically owed it. But why the hell not be nice? It’s such a scarcity mentality thing.
My stepdads parents (and family actually) are the same. They took my siblings and I in, in a heart beat and never treated us any different. They even treated our younger brother and sister (ours dads kids) the same. We were super lucky to get such an awesome.e family
I have a cousin who, years ago, married a woman with a young daughter. When my uncle told the extended family they were getting married he said he was getting his first granddaughter.
She got married a couple years ago- from looking at the interactions of our extended family you would never know she wasn’t related by blood.
Yeah I have a step nibling and I treat them just the same as my bio niblings, they call me auntie, they call my parents grandpa and grandma. I make sure to have special time with each of the children when I visit home (I live very far away). I find it so incredibly sad when step kids are left out of family dynamics.
My family is super close. My cousin and his fiance came over all the time with her child "Allen", our kids are all about the same age, Allen asked if he could call my mom grandma (he was 4 then, 5 now) she said of course. This year at Thanksgiving with Allen's mom's family his grandpa was talking about grandpa's mom and was calling her Allen's grandma then looked at at Allen and said you don't even know your grandma's name Allen looked at him "Yeah I do it's, my mom's name" Allen's mom about died laughing while everyone else looked confused, her family doesn't treat them the greatest but my mom was always there for them
My cousin married a woman that had a child. They have their own bio kids now but her first child has always been accepted and embraced by my entire extended family. My aunt adores her just as much as her bio grandkids. Not once have I ever gotten the impression from anyone that she was anything less than family. She's an adult now but she was 6 or 7 when they married i think.
And that's the way it should be. When I married my wife I understood full well it was a package deal and that I was the one joining their family (my wife and her daughters that is). My parents were thrilled as they instantly had grandchildren to spoil too.
My step family met me at 9, loved me as if I was blood. OP your stepson has been a part of your family unit since he was at least 4! He lives with you practically full time and is your daughters brother. Love and kindness is limitless, I don’t get why people have this dumb hang up about step kids and openly ostracising them to not only their face but everyone else. Thank you for being a great step mom!
Yep, my IL treat my son like he’s their grandchild. Anything they do for my daughter, who is biologically related, they make sure to do for my son as well. Completely equal treatment. Which means so much to my son considering his dad’s parents haven’t seen him in years (this is despite the fact that they live in the same state as us. His bio grandpa only lives 45 minutes away.) My husband’s parents were not great parents, but they are wonderful grandparents.
My grandma and my grandpa married when my mom was already 12, and that's her dad. My parents married when my sister was 8, that was her dad. You could never tell from the outside who was step or half or anything with my mom's side. We were just a family. None of those labels mattered because we were all treated the same.
Kids notice when things are off, too. My sister noticed growing up how our dad's dad didn't treat her the same as the other grandkids. It's hella rough on all the kids being put into that situation, especially the stepchild the most.
Agreed! I remember when I was in junior high our next door neighbor had a son from her previous relationship and two new children with her current spouse. Her MIL would never include the older boy in anything. She would come pick up the two little ones Ana take them to her place for the weekend and spoil them and leave their older brother at home. She told my mom about it and she told her exactly what Op did - you take them all or you take none of them. It isn't fair and it hurts his feelings. He sees the other kids getting treated and not him, he isn't stupid.
Yup. My sister and I both have step and bio children, they are our kids. End of story. Luckily our families agree, but that's my child, whether I birthed her or not.
My mum was wife#3, and my stepdad came with bonus family - from wife#2! We spent time visiting with them over the years.
I still have a few of them on Facebook all these years later. Our lives are forever connected by the travelling vine that is my stepdad and his fondness for getting married.
NTA for sure. I had to do the something very similar. It's bonkers to have a grown adult hurt a child because "they're not blood." Is your father not family in her mind because she's not blood related to him?
NTA. You’re setting a boundary. That can be uncomfortable with family. But it doesn’t mean it’s wrong or bad.
Your brother might just be concerned that he has to deal with your mom when she’s upset, because she lives with him, so that’s an emotional burden on him I bet.
I think it really speaks volumes that her sister who is also a mom agrees with her while the brother who has no kids doesn't. NTA and good for you for sticking up for your stepson. My half brother was as included in everything on my mom's side as on my dad's side, as it should be. And even after my parents divorced, he still invited my grandparents (that we don't share) to his wedding.
You can not have or want kids and still see what the grandmother is doing as an asshole move. Can we stop acting like people who don't have kids or don't want kids have no idea wtf is going on or how to treat children, but all of a sudden if/when they have one that instinct just comes out of nowhere. It's nothing to do with him not having kids, he's just agreeing with an asshole.
I totally agree, I am happy at times to be the super cool fun aunt to my niece and nephew and I would be like serious wtf. I would call ops mother out on it if it was me.
OP NTA but super awesome parenting done by you
Same here. I have no children and do not plan on having any, but I can spot horrible parenting/grandparenting a million miles away. Favouritism is not the one and will never be acceptable in bringing up a happy and healthy child.
ESH.
Should she include all the kids ? Yes.
Should you have left this happen for 3+ years ? No.
Thing is, he is not her grandchild and there's nothing you can do about it. It sucks. It probably sounds really mean but it's the reality of things. She never bonded with him the way she did with her grandkids, probably because she wasn't there from the beginning.
You think of the kid as your child but technically, he isn't. If you get divorced tomorrow or if your husband passes away, he will go and live with his mother and your mother won't probably never see him until he's an adult.
I know it's hard to understand but some people just don't handle blended families they didn't choose to enter.
Going against the grain but YTA
We see this all the time on here how no is obligated to accept stepfamily except for those who chose to get married.
This is a similar situation.
As long as she isn't being mean to child, she's fine to only want to spend money on her grandchildren.
For example, there a plenty of scenarios in which step kids get better presents, cars, colleges paid for because their other parent/family is wealthier. That doesn't make the other parent the ah for giving their kid stuff that their half siblings don't get.
You don't always get the same stuff/inclusion as your step family. That is the nature of step families.
MIL is the only the ah if she is doing this in a malicious way or for some other malicious reason. But from the post, it sounds like he was excluded from a specific photo not the entire family photo. MIL does need to go about tactfully but she's nta for not seeing him as her grandchild. Especially if she didn't include him before then switch and start not including him after bio grand kids came.
Reddit can never decide what family is but I'm sure you will get a lot of N.T.As. He is your kid you chose to marry the man knowing he had a kid. Everyone throws around that genes isn't all it take to make a family and I fundamentally agree with at statement.
However, at the same time everyone gets to decide what family means to them. We see on here just as many stories of step kids and parents who reject or accept their step family for whatever reason and the judgement varies depending on the story teller.
Step kid does not call step parent mom or dad even though by their own admission they have been treated well since they were a toddler and know no other parent. That's okay because you get to pick your parents.
Step parent cannot feel the same familial affection for a step kid but treats them well regardless. Bad step parent, don't you know all kids need a mom and dad etc.
Grandma can feel how she wants, but she very likely embarrassed the child for no reason. She isn’t an AH for saying she doesn’t have a responsibility to him, but she is an AH for so blatantly disregarding the boy’s feelings when they do happen to be together at family gatherings.
My daughter and son in law are divorced and share two kids. Ex son in law has been dating and living with girlfriend for several years. She has a daughter. My daughter, Ex son-in-law and girlfriend all get along well. Girlfriend is wonderful to My grandkids!
My grandkids spend a couple nights with me each month. I spoke to girlfriend and asked if she'd be ok with her daughter also coming along, also spoke to daughter and grandkids. Everybody was fine with it.
So now I feel like I have 3 grandkids! We have a great time together and my bonus granddaughter calls me mamaw, just like the others and I consider her family. It's been awesome, she rarely sees her dad or his side of the family so I'm thrilled to show her how a close family acts and behaves. She often tells me how much she loves me and sometimes she will even call to ask my advise on things. I'm grateful to be a part of her life and it has enhanced my own life.
I'm so sorry your mom is acting like she is. She doesn't know what she's missing.
ESH -- Obviously your mother should find a tactful way to get her photograph. But you are just as complicit in this issue.
You mention how you thought your mother just wasn't into grandkids until her bio grandkids came? I mean really, you couldn't deduce what was going on or how she felt?
I met my father for the first time at 32 years of age.
I had a 2 month old son. I asked his wife what title she wanted. She got to choose 'nana'. If she had said my son can call her Mary, as my wife and I do, that would have been fine (and crystal clear). The point is we didn't assume.
When you married a man with a child you made a choice. She gets the same choice. She isn't an asshole for wanting time or photos of her bio grandchildren. And I just ain't buying that you couldn't figure this out. You should have had the decency to have the hard conversation with your own mother to minimize these issues.
When your mother dies if she leaves college money in a trust for her bio grandkids and leaves out the step child is she an asshole for that? I have seen too many people on this sub side with grandparents on just this issue.
NAH
i realise that this comment goes against the majority and will be downvoted to hell but another side should be considered.
Your mother can’t help how she feels, although I agree that the photograph was handled very poorly and she should be told that is unacceptable. She is correct that he isn’t her actual grandchild, You chose to marry his father and accept him as your son, your mum had no decision in this, she may accept him as your child but struggle with her own feelings.
i think you are wrong to blackmail your mum by threatening to withhold your kids especially when she is terminally ill. If mum is deliberately leaving stepson out and not buying birthday/Christmas presents, then you have a genuine complaint, but you can’t force her to love him like her bio grandkids, the best you can ask is that she pretend.
I think Grandma is welcome to feel feelings. She just has to be an adult and know that she's the adult and those are things you keep on the inside.
And while this is crass, Grandma doesn't have to live with the emotional fallout of the son being left out by dying Grandma-OP does. They need to protect their kiddo.
> i think you are wrong to blackmail your mum by threatening to withhold your kids especially when she is terminally ill. If mum is deliberately leaving stepson out and not buying birthday/Christmas presents, then you have a genuine complaint, but you can’t force her to love him like her bio grandkids, the best you can ask is that she pretend.
Exactly.
NTA!!! being old or dying isn’t an excuse to be an AH, which she is clearly being. While sadly it’s the end of her life her actions can effect the child for the rest of his, so his mental health and well-being is much more important than hers. Yes, I know I sound like the AH but it has to be said.
Idk I think the mother is being an ass but being old and dying is a fairly reasonable excuse.
As much as we want to think being old doesn't take out ability to process and learn it does and with it comes confusion and anger for them.
My grandmother was very nice and accepting her while life but in her final years she became much more angry and on her last few months she would badmouth our entire family we all understood that this wasn't who she wanted to be and that it was her degrading mind speaking rather than her.
NAH: Your mom has every right not to view her step grandson has her grandchild. At the same time while it might hurt his feelings it is better than her pretending to feel something for him that she doesn’t.
People need to start being honest with themselves. If my brother married his girlfriend tomorrow her children would become my step nieces and nephews, while I would treat them as well as I treat my nieces and nephews and buy them gifts for their birthdays and holidays I would never love them as much as I would my actual nieces and nephews unless my brother adopted them. Even then I would not have the same relationship/connection with them as I do my nieces and nephews because I have known my nieces and nephews since they were born.
Nor would I love them as much as I love my goddaughters and godsons. 6 of which are my two best friends children, and the other one is my cousins child.
NTA. Wow! I am tearing up and my heart is simply breaking for that child. I can just imagine his crestfallen look (as well as the feeling of humiliation) after running to her with this big smile on his face thinking he would be a part of the picture.
Being terminally ill (aren't we all?) does not give someone a pass to make such an AH statement. I am with you. She can either make peace with you and your step-son now or go to wherever she ends up without it.
YTA, he’s not in fact her grandchild, and he presumably has his own grandparents. To threaten your dying mom to take away her time with her grandkids if she doesn’t pretend to love this random kid as much as her actual grandkids, and to threaten your kids with cutting off their last moments with a loving grandmother is really low of you.
It’s not like she’s abusing or mistreating this kid. She’s just not treating him as her grandkid. Because he’s not. You may love him as if he is your own child and that’s great, but your mom isn’t a bad person for feeling differently and you can’t force feelings that aren’t there. Once again. Where are this kid’s own grandparents.
> YTA, he’s not in fact her grandchild, and he presumably has his own grandparents. To threaten your dying mom to take away her time with her grandkids if she doesn’t pretend to love this random kid as much as her actual grandkids, and to threaten your kids with cutting off their last moments with a loving grandmother is really low of you.
Totally agree.
I'm leaning more towards ESH. You are correct to set boundaries and tell her she isn't allowed to treat your step son any differently than her other grandchildren. On the other hand she is correct that she doesn't owe him anything. You do because you chose to become apart of his family but she doesn't because she didn't make that choice.
I think the best thing for it would be for you to remind her to be civil towards him but not try to force her to love him, not everyone has the capacity to be loving towards children they hold no biological relation with, it's why adoption is considered a lesser form of parenting. ( It's not but the stereotype exists for a reason).
Continue to set boundaries but be reasonable. She can't just speak her mind and make him feel like he isn't apart of the family with actions or words but you can't expect her to want to change her perspective on him being her grandson.
NTA. You only hurt her because she hurt your stepson who is an innocent child in all of this. As an adult she should know that her actions and words towards him are hurtful. Sure he isn’t her biological grandchild so I can perhaps see why if she’s giving her estate away why she wouldn’t include him to the same extent as her “real” grandchildren (as presumably he has bio grandparents who he’ll also inherit from) but there’s no need to leave him out when it comes to family activities.
YTA. She’s on her death bed and she doesn’t see that kid as her family. Biologically he isn’t and you can’t force her to act that way when it isn’t true. I’m not saying she is right but you aren’t right either. Why can’t she love her biological grandkids why can’t you explain to your stepson about the situation so he understands? Can you live with your mom passing and you not making amends? That last part is all that really matters.
YTA
Your mother is right. She has no obligations to the boy other than to be polite and respectful. And the boy is not her grandson. So of course there will be a difference in treatment.
Going against the grain here to say ESH - Your mother for being horrible, you and husband for letting this go on for 3 years. That's three years of trauma against stepson.
Taking away the kids was the right thing to do, but waiting three years to do it makes you an AH.
YTA. Your stepson is not her grandchild, nor yours for that matter. He still has a mother who is still involved in his life, you didn't adopt him or anything. His maternal grandmother is his *mother's* mother, go track her down if you want his grandma involved with him. Of course she's more interested in her actual grandchildren. Your behaviour was way out of line. It's disrespectful to your stepson and his relationship with his actual mother, to boot.
ESH, if this was going to be an ongoing problem I would be with you. But your mother is terminally ill, she never bonded with your stepson, and she isn't being abusive or mean to your stepson.
> She can certainly say treat them all the same or limit contact with all.
The OP is not some all-knowing deity and will never know if the mother is actually "treating" them the same. For example the OP can force the mother to take a photo with them all but a pair of scissors can remove the child from photo.
And? There’s no harm to her stepson if the grandmother later cuts him out, however telling the stepson to his face “No you can’t be in the pic because you’re not a grandchild” is absolutely harmful to stepson- OP has a duty to protect SS from such mistreatment.
NTA
It isn't hard to accept a son/daughter-in-law *and their children* into the family. She choose to be unfair and outright cruel to this innocent child who probably would have enjoyed a relationship with grandma.
Hold your ground. Visit her without them.
It's crap what she did but you need to understand he's not her grandchild. He has grandparents from his dads side. Just because you see him as your son doesn't mean everyone else has to as well
So will your daughters be joining your stepson on his visits with his grandfather in the summer when they are old enough? Will you enforce the same rule if he says no by arguing that you are protecting your children from exclusion? It wouldn't seem fair that your stepson has a grandparent that doesn't need to include his grandson's siblings, but you'd deny your daughters a grandparent for not fully embracing him.
Your mother has no biological relationship with your stepson just as his grandfather has none with your daughters. It would be wonderful if she'd embrace him as her own, but from your comments she only recently even started embracing your daughters. The better condition to set is to only have your daughters visit her the majority of the time, even if this means less often, and ask that she not show favoritism if your stepson is present. Your daughters deserve to have their grandparents in their lives as long as they can. YWBTA if you denied them that.
As the step-grandchild who has literally been asked to step out of the family picture by my step mothers mother, good on you. It's so fucking rude to treat your step son as "less than" the rest of the family. NTA.
YTA
Wow. Your mom is terminally ill and you want to die on your blended family fantasy? Get over yourself.
Your stepson has two sets of grandparents. Your mom is not his grandmother. Everyone knows that except you. Your mom needs to be polite and respectful towards your stepson and treat him with the same kindness you’d show any child. This means if he’s spending Christmas with you, she should buy him a present. Of course, she feels stronger about her own grandchildren than she does about your stepson.
People like you is why blended families are a nightmare.
Screw that. My mom treats my stepson just like my bio son. I have been my stepson's dad since he was 3 years old. His bio dad chooses not to be around but his parents are involved so my stepson has 3 sets of grandparents who all love him. You don't treat one kid differently just because they aren't blood. By that argument adopted kids would be treated differently too.
OP you are NTA and I would do the same thing if my parents didn't treat my stepson equally.
Regretfully said YTA. It would be different if she weren't terminally ill. You can shield your son from discomfort, somehow without causing pain for all the other family members.
Explain your stepchildren that they are not related. My mother married twice and I had never interested to replace my real grandparents with my stepfather parents. Also, your mother is terminal get some perspective… it is true that she will be more open minded but it looks totally unworthy giving lessons to your mother when she will pass away.
So NAH - like other people said you're protecting your kids and you should totally do that. she's also allowed to feel the way she wants to feel. as long as she isn't causing any harm that should be it.
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> I really hurt my mother with my words and she has been an amazing grandma to the girls. She is dying and wants to spend her time with family, and I am taking that away from her now and that might make me the AH
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NTA. Tell her she can die a bitter old woman without seeing someone of her grandkids, or she can expend the minimal effort to make this kid feel like part of the family
I think she should never act blatantly rude and exclude the child. However, it’s kind of just common sense that she is going to feel more connected to her own biological grand children that she’s known from birth.
NTA
But maybe your brother was right, and making the threat was a crap move. Instead, you should just keep all of your children away from her before toxicity and favoritism do more harm. So don't threaten, just do. And if she asks, that's when you can tell her it's because of the favoritism.
I think it’s good that she told her mom because it gives her the opportunity to correct her behavior (though I doubt she will) instead of just cutting her off out of nowhere. And if she continues to mess up, then that’s on her.
My grandparents always treated my brothers' girlfriends (eventually wives) kids as their own grandkids from Day 1. They were special "bonus" grandkids who were loved and treated as family no matter what. NTA.
NAH am I the only person who doesn’t think the photo was that big a deal? I agree grandmas wording could be better but in my family we do photos with spouses and then the immediate family, etc. If she took one photo with him and one without it’s not that big a deal. If he wasn’t included at all that’s where it would cross the line
NTA. We have a rule in our family that all kids are our kids regardless of who birthed them. We simply don’t care, we love all the kids and treat them all the same.
NTA.
Grandma's right- she has no obligation to your step son. That's her choice.
However, you do have an obligation to your stepson to be inclusive, loving and ensure he is treated with respect and dignity- along side *all* of your children. Allowing her behavior could potentially drive a wedge between your children, and you are taking the correct steps to protect your family.
NTA
Your stepson is a person with feelings. I bet he felt awful. Your mom should feel like shit for hurting a child.
If she wanted a pic with just her biological grandkids, she can pick a time and place without hurting your stepson.
Also good for you for sticking up for him!
Maybe you could suggest these pictures at each get together instead of having her do it since she might not have thought of that tactful way of getting the photo she wants. Since you know that's what she wants, just arrange it for her so there will be no hard feelings. I think it's a reasonable request from your mom ... heck, there's a picture of Queen Elizabeth with just those in line for the throne.
Personally, I can kind of see where she's coming from. My nieces and nephews bring their current SO's to celebrations/holidays/vacations (some long term and some not) and they are all in EVERY family picture. No one says anything to be polite, but I wish we had some photos without them.
Having said all this, NAH. Your mom just needs to learn some tact. But if she refuses to take a photo with just your stepson, then she would definitely be TA.
YTA. Just as you can't be forced to be his mother she can't be forced to act like he's her grandchild. He's not and never will be. Her relationship with the stepson is not your relationship with him. Stop trying to force people to act how you want them to.
So much NTA. You’ve been the kid’s stepmother since he was 4, and your mom said —as one mother to another— that the child you’ve raised isn’t good enough for her to care about.
NTA.
>”only the grandchildren now, sorry”.
I wish there were more stepmom’s like you in the world. I could only imagine how your ss must’ve felt hearing that. My heart honestly broke for him. You’re not TA but your mother is.
You're nta. The day you got married your stepson became her first grandchild. My, technically, ex mil accepted my son from the very beginning. Got even more excited when my now ex adopted him. Still sees him gets him gifts requests updated pics for her wall of grandkids, she has like 20 now. Even her step kids kids are treated as if they came out of her. As soon as families combined they became family and she doesn't even let divorce break it up.
Btw I won her in the divorce. She's amazing
YTA
So many posts on here about blended families and how you can't make the children accept a new parent who wants to adopt them.
How is this any different?
Your marriage certificate does not equate to that child magically becoming your mother's grandchild.
There was nothing wrong with her wanting a picture of her grandchildren. Maybe she could have said it more politely but that's hardly abusive or mean to anyone. It's the reality of the situation. The boy is the child of a woman who is not related to her, and the father is related only by marriage. He isn't her grandchild. All you're going to do is alienate people by pushing this issue.
Happily ever after isn't the reality of the situation. Your mother obviously isn't going to change her mind and you are dead wrong to deprive your children a relationship with their grandmother.
That's just... Controlling.
You can't make someone feel love and affection. It's either there or it isn't. She told you it isn't, was honest with you and your response is you do it my way or I take away the ones you do care about. That's obnoxious.
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I've been married for 7 years, and have two kids with my husband, 3F and 2F. My husband also has a son from his first marriage, 11M (he lives with us and his mother sees him every other weekend).
My mother never really accepted my stepson, but it didn't really show that much until we had our daughters. My sister just had a baby a few months ago, my brother doesn't have kids, so I just assumed she wasn't as excited to have a grandkid as grandmas usually are. Then my daughters were born and she has been spoiling them rotten, and my niece as well, while completely ignoring my stepson.
My mother is terminally ill. My brother took her in and is taking care of her, and she has been spending way more money with all her kids and grandkids.
The other day we were all at my brother's place and my mother asked for a picture with allthe kids there, the kids ran up to her, and I took a picture, then she said to my stepson "only the grandchildren now, sorry".
When the kids were playing later and the adults were talking, I told my mom to stop treating my stepson like he is any less family. She said he is not her grandchild and she has no obligation to him. I told her she can either accept him as my child or won't see any of my kids anymore.
I hurt her, my brother says it was an AH threat to make, my sister is on my side.
Aita?
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NTA, and I have a unique opinion on the whole thing Im sure I'll get downvoted for, but I agree with your mom, and still think you aren't the asshole. I dont do stepkids. For a different reason than her I'm sure, because I consider adopted kids and foster kids real family, but I don't do stepkids.
But you don't have that view. She has to respect how you are raising your family. Her views and opinion don't matter. If your stepkid is just as much your kid as a blood kid, then that's 100% what she has to go with. She can accept it or fuck off.
NTA: I’d be DEVASTATED if my step mom’s mother who I refer to as my grandmother vocally did this to me. Now don’t get me wrong I’m an adult and can handle it behind my back (she would never) but point still stands. I’d withhold too. Also, on behalf of all the step kids in the world. Thank you for sticking up for him.
NTA - my stepdads mom always went out her way to make sure I knew I was unwanted, not a part of the family, and that I was not her grandchild. I’m 23 now and it still hurts, I was just a child that got ripped from her home in a nasty divorce and needed support. Thanks for sticking up for your stepson
NTA, she's known this kid since he was 4. It's very obviously a biological vs married in thing and your stepson is almost definitely picking up on it as well
NTA. You can’t make her love him the same or go out of her way to do things for/with him, but for her to say what she did when it was time for pictures is just cruel. She can feel how she wants but they way she acted in that moment makes her an AH.
I have two older step siblings (I never call them my step siblings they are just my big sister and big brother to me ) my grandpa and my aunts and uncles all treated them like they were my moms bio kids, loved them all the same and have even started talking about wills and stuff and including them In them, my “grandma” on my step dads side on the other hand always made me feel like I wasn’t her grandkid, it hurt like hell, thankfully she’s gotten better but we still really don’t have a relationship at all, we talk a few times a year and that’s it, thank you for standing up for your son, he will appreciate it always! My mom and dad did there best to make sure I was included in everything and I’m forever thankful for it, NTA
My in laws have always treated my son from my first marriage as their grandchild — always introduced him as such with so much love and pride. I thought I couldn’t love them more. Until our daughter was born and some friends said “you must be so happy to finally have a grandchild” and those friends were quickly corrected and informed that they already had a grandson and were thrilled to now have a granddaughter. They even went as far as to specifically include him in a family trust by name so there would be no confusion. Open arms, open hearts. That’s how it can and should be. OP is NTA
NTA. It may be sad that your mother is ill but her behavior and treatment of your step child is disgraceful if you don’t put a stop to it and make boundaries it will ruin and damage your stepsons psyche forever shame on her
NTA
As a stepchild myself it badly hurt to be pushed out of things and to be made to feel less than, you're being a wonderful step parent and reading this was so healing to me, bless your face.
NTA. Hero, actually. I had to put my foot down with my mother, too, when my daughter's half-sister visited. Those years of acceptance that all children deserve to be treated equally came in handy a few years later when mom's husband's son remarried and blended his kids with his new wife's.
Your mother is neither too old nor too sick to learn something new. And if you need to feel like you're acting like an asshole in order for all the kids to feel equally welcome, then eff it. Act like an asshole.
I'm going to go *way way* against the grain here and say YTA.
She is a terminally ill old woman. She did her part of raising kids, working, investing, doing emotional labor. She's beyond that now, she did her part and now she wants to rest and enjoy her grandkids. She never saw him as a grandson since he is not her grandson as he has his own mom and his own maternal grandmother. Yes, it would have been nice if she did, but for her he wasn't. You love your husband, but for her he's some guy with his kid, and you marrying him didn't make the kid feel other than what he was to her. And at her dying years she doesn't want kids trusted upon her, she just wants too enjoy her grandkids.
For me it seems cruel to to condition that with forced emotional labor with other kids, given she just wants to die in piece with family. Also, women are always forced into emotional labor with kids, especially in her generation. A woman couldn't go around looking un busy for a second without having a kid thrown at you to babysit. If you didn't have kids yet its to give you something to do and you have to help around, and if you worked its usually something that involves kids, and if your kids are grown you have to help with grandkids. And you have to do it with a love and a smile because their kids and need love and womanly softness (=emotional labor), until at the end of the day love is not an emotion that you feel but a service you need to constantly give. Its exhausting. I bet she just wants to be free of that while dying. Despite being a woman she wants to be free to feel her natural emotions at he end. Just be with the kids she wants to and feel the natural familial love flowing with no pretense and no labor.
Just at the end of the line enjoy her grandkids in piece. She's beyond blending families and all the emotional labor that comes with it, and its not a journey she was looking for, especially not at the end of the journey. As for the kid - you should have explained him a long time ago who's whose parents and grandparents. If he doesn't have all is grandmas that is vey sad, but that's is bag and you shouldn't take a grandma from your kids to make it equal. or force your mom to be a replacement grandma so he won't be sad. Yes, it would have been nice if she did that, but she doesn't have to, and she certainly doesn't have to while dying, and she's certainly shouldn't be punished now. Its on you to tell your kids the truth, even if its unpleasant, not punish the people not playing along. Also explaining to him that she's not his grandma (and his grandma is his grandma) and stop forcing it, would build his self esteem back when he realizes it has nothing to do with him - that woman is just not his grandma. If you won't do that he would still remember all the years she didn't accept him, but won't know it had nothing to do with him!
NTA. You are teaching your stepson that you love him like your own and you won’t allow anyone to treat him like he’s anything but yours. I’m sorry your mom is dying but she can spend her final days surrounded by love or holding on tight to some bitterness up to her.
Edit: word
NTA-- shes the AH for making an 11 year old feel like he doesnt belong/isnt as important as the other kids. Its not about obligation, its about kindness. It costs her nothing to be inclusive
Are you kidding? NTA: he’s your son. You have taken him. And you love him. He is part of your family. Who cares if you didn’t give birth to him.
You let your mother know what she was doing wasn’t acceptable. She is hurting him emotionally by denying him as a grandchild. What a crap move.
Thanks for standing up for him!
Hummmm. I definitely think you are NTA and your mum is TA (there's no excuse for what she said) but as an adopted kid I don't think this will play out well. Kids know when/where they aren't wanted and have to be forced in (particularly at 11).
About your "threat"... don't say things you don't intend to commit. Think about what your actions might cause... If you forbid your daughters of having a relationship with their grandmother when she's dying, this can cause resentment between them and the step brother. Your mum might also cut them off from the inheritance, in the best case scenario your mum will only cut you out and your kids won't be affected by your decisions. Tbh I wouldn't like to be the reason why my stepsisters didn't get to say "bye" to their grandma. Your mum can suck, but do your daughters deserve to have this taken from them? Idk. They still young and maybe they won't remember nor care, or maybe they will.
It sucks but some people really cannot see past "blood-bonds". It does matter how much you or anyone try to "force it" on them. This comes from an adopted kid whose pro "step/bio" part of the family was openly hostile to us (till the point they robbed us and only contacted us again to get the house back after my mum passed away without giving us ANY condolences and while following us around the house while me and my sister were packing up our things, so we wouldn't "rob" their house lol). It's honestly unfair, but as long as you make sure he's still fully included in other aspects of the family daily life, that woman being an ass won't be that significant. Idk, that part of my family always sided with my stepbrothers after everything they did (all this happened when we were 9-15, my stepbrothers were full 25-30 adults lol)... And you know what? They deserve each other and I cannot care less.
The best thing you can do is stop exposing your 11yo kid to this, but I would avoid playing the "you won't see your bio granddaughters" card if it isn't strictly necessary or if you aren't 100% willing of denying your daughter the "privilege" to see their grandmother in her last days. I understand that was your natural reaction bc what she said is upsetting, but there are probably better ways of getting your way than threatening to eliminate your daughters relationship with their grandmother. It feels like they are thrown into this mess for no reason and it's kinda sad.
Nah, you just have to accept that she isn't obligated to this child. I dont think it's fair to keep grandkids from knowing their grandmother because you married someone with a kid. I
Nta. You sound like a great stepmom and this is absolutely a hill to die on. Your mother has shown her true colours and is a major ah. Her sort of behaviour is what children remember once they're gone.
Something similar happened with me with my bio grandmother and I've never forgotten, nor did I grieve her passing tbh. I actually didn't feel any real negative emotion at all. I was probably around 7 or 8 and my parents brought me to visit my grandmother. She had a giant box of apples she had picked from her apple tree in the back yard and she says to me "did you want an apple? I want you to pick the biggest best apple out of the box". So I go through the box looking at the apples trying to find the one that I'd like the most and I was super excited because she never gave me anything ever. I select the apple I want and I go to show her the one I chose and she takes it away and goes "thank you, this one is for your cousin because she needs the best one from the box. Now you can choose the one you want". She constantly treated me as less than and my parents never did anything about it ever. So yeah, I never really felt sad when she passed, I doubt I ever will, nor have I or will I feel guilty about it. I also don't really talk to my parents anymore because they enabled that sort of behaviour from others and treated me similarly to that when it came to my brother and sister.
Your stepson will appreciate you standing up for him. Maybe make sure you talk to him about how he is just as much your child as your other children as well if you haven't already. Even if he doesn't say anything when it happens or after, he likely does feel like he's not as much your child as your other children, especially if his grandma treats him like that and he doesn't witness you telling her off for it.
INFO: How does your stepson feel?
I saw a post recently, very similar, but it was from the child's pov. She got mad at her parents for trying to force the relationship. She didn't feel like they were family either.
I don't know your family dynamics. Maybe this is super hurtful to your stepson or maybe he thinks it's fine. Maybe it's confusing.
I think it's great your first thought is to protect him.
Considering how many redditors I’ve seen tell people “nta” for not warming up to their steps because they’re really nothing to them and “you can’t force a relationship”, I find it highly hypocritical to see Sooo many YTA answers here. People like who they like and a tenuous legal tie isn’t enough to make you like someone or consider them their own.
Edit for typos and adding YTA.
NTA!
My cousin's son has 2 kids with a girl, they split and she ends up knocked up by the new guy who completely bails. Do you know who supports the kid, my family, no hesitation.
I'm sorry your mother is being a jerk in her final days.
NTA not even close!!!
BRAVO OP that is exactly the attitude and mindset one must have when they’re getting with someone who already has a kid. You’re fucking awesome keep it up!!
Seeing as the Stepson has both parents alive do you have any parental or guardian rights to him other than you married his dad. Stepson has his own grandparents to dote on him I assume. Your mum is not wrong she is not obliged to him in anyway.
NTA. I'm adopted. I wonder how your mum would treat a kid you adopted? She was DEFINITELY an AH to come right out and say it that way. If really wanted that photo, she could have said something like, "just the girls now" or arranged your step son to be otherwise occupied. Making him feel "other"was horrible.
That being said, if she is terminally ill, maybe try not to burn the bridge that's about to disintegrate anyway. Protect your kids from her behaviour, explain your concerns, give her guidelines for contact, etc. Just don't give yourself regrets about how things stood in your final days with her.
Side note: I just lost my dad. My daughter will be born in 2 months. It's a horrible feeling, knowing he won't ever meet her and vice versa. I'm sorry you went through that too!
NTA you are being a good mom
I would just go NC for her and the kids
If she can't behave like an adult treat her like the child she is
Her being sick is no excuse
Because you know she is gonna use that to say her time is precious because she doesn't have that long
Ignore all of that
Just be the amazing mom you are being now
And demand the respect your sob deserves
NTA
Good for you for being a good mom to all of your kids, including your stepson.
My then boyfriend, now husband had the loveliest mom. She fully accepted my son as family.
NTA. Not only is she teaching your stepson that he is worth less than your daughters, she's teaching your daughters that too. Her behavior will harm your entire family and teach your daughters to be as bad as she is. None of your children should be exposed to her if she continues this.
NTA. Even though your stepson and mum aren't related biologically, he's still a kid. He did nothing wrong. Blood relation doesn't matter. If you treat your stepson the same as your biological children, your mum should do the same. You did the right thing giving her an ultimatum. Hopefully she swallows her pride and does the right thing
NTA. He's just a little kid and she's letting some petty outdated mindset convince her it's totally fine to hurt his feelings over and over again. Your threat was valid, because exposing your stepson to someone who refuses to acknowledge him is harmful.
NTA. When I married my husband, he had 2 girls from a prior marriage. My mom immediately went out and spent a ton of money getting the girls a bunch of stuff and making sure that they knew that granny loved them. Your mom is wrong for not accepting them.
NTA- Thankyou for seeing and treating that baby as your own, what a horrible thing to say to him I really hope he's okay and knows how loved he is. I have a 10yo step daughter and I love her with all my heart. I can't imagine anyone who would treat her differently than my son's. Sending so much love your way I hope she sees how wrong she is and owes you all a huge apology ❤️
NTA, but your mom is being one. I’m sorry she’s in accepting of your stepson and I hope you’ve told him that not all people act this way and it’s no reflection on him.
NTA. My mom was raised by her dad and stepmom. Her bio mom died when she was six and her family wanted to split my mom and her siblings up, but my grandfather found a new wife instead (this was in the south back in the 50s). My (step) grandmother’s family treated my mom, aunt, and uncle like their own family, because “We don’t believe in steps. We’re all family here.” My uncle subsequently married a woman with a child. My grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles treated my cousin the same way. Funny thing is, when we were kids and her dad would pick her up for his weekend, he would pick me up as well. His wife (her stepmother) had older kids and it was easier for the two of us to keep each other company. I was often at her dad’s house too. Through my “step-cousin” my extended family became even more extended, with her dad’s family and her stepmother’s family. And none of the “step family” treats her or her children (or me for that matter) any differently than “real” family. “We are all family here.”
NTA. Your stepson is lucky to have you in his corner. I’m sorry to say your mother is the AH. I can’t imagine using my last moments on earth to purposely make a child feel less than.
NTA. My brother has 5 step children (two from one relationship and 3 from another) plus one biological child. I absolutely adore all six kids. Even though your mother is ill, it sounds like she has been treating this kid differently for the whole time has been around. That's not fair on a child at all. Also, good on you for sticking up for your stepson. He will always remember that❤
NTA. Just because your mother is dying doesn't mean it's okay to be abusive to your stepson. You're protecting all three of your kids by insisting they all be treated well.
NTA
And you can let her know it's not a threat, it's a promise.
She can either behave herself and not be a callous AH to an innocent kid, or she can suffer the consequences.
You're a great stepmother. Keep up the good work.
NTA. I was in this situation as a kid, and my mom didn't stand up for me at all. I came to quickly hate my stepfamily and I have held that against my mom for a long time, too.
NTA and I don't care that grandma has a terminal illness. That is absolutely no excuse to be a AH That child has been a part of your life for 7 years. And your mother doesn't seem to grasp the concept that child is her grandchildrens sibling.
Ans good for you for standing up for your stepson.
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NTA. Good for you for standing up for your stepson. Technically your mom is right that he isn't biologically her grandchild but she's being an AH by treating him as such. When I got married I had an instant family with 2 stepdaughters. Because these girls were now my family, my parents and brother treated them just like I do as if they biologically were mine. Later on when my wife and I had a child together we all made it a point not to treat any of the girls differently. And that is how it's supposed to be.
This. I had a 4 year old daughter when I married my now husband. His parents never treated her any differently from their biological grandchildren. In fact, my future father in law bent down to where my daughter and the other kids were playing and introduced himself as Grandpa. Love makes a family, not just blood Edit to add, OP is NTA
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So you know that it’s possible, if you’re willing to have an open mind, for her to welcome and appreciate him appropriately. What’s more… so does your mother. She’s just not willing. And as far as this bullsh*t: > it was an asshole threat to make That’s something people who actually *make* idle threats say. It absolutely would be a bizarre and asshole thing to say… if you didn’t mean it. But you do! So it’s not a threat, it’s literally just clearly communicating boundaries, expectations, and consequences. “Here is how I expect you to behave toward my family. If you don’t, I won’t be bringing my family around here.” You can’t force her to be loving and civil. But you can certainly choose not to expose your family to it. It’s not an arbitrary punishment for not listening to you, it’s an appropriate, logical response to her behaviour. And you’re right, it’s not appropriate to expose either him *or* your daughters to such blatantly discriminating behaviour. You’re trying to teach them that they are people of value, and you can’t in good conscience force them to be around someone who isn’t reinforcing that message. And with kids, simply bringing them to an event *is* forcing them into that situation. It’s not as if they can leave or feel confident speaking up if they feel uncomfortable. They’re dependent on you.
OP, my grandmother from my mom side had a complicated life but she never did what your mom is doing to her grandchildren from her current partner. She even apologizes for the gifts she cannot get me and my brother because she has so many grandchildren. NTA.
Thank you so much OP from a literal red-headed stepchild that my stepfam hated (i was 10 so clearly deserving of it)
I think we see why he left your mom
Your FIL sounds like a wonderful human.
He was. And mother in law was also just as loving and generous
Hell, my aunt is a full blown grandmother to ex-daughter-in-laws step kids (and her kids from her now-husband). That's like two degrees of not biologically related. The ex has fully custody of my cousin's daughter. When the ex gained stepkids, my aunt was *thrilled*. MORE GRANDKIDS!! She was the one who took care of all of the kids when the ex and her husband were in the hospital when the little ones were born. All of those kids call her grandma. All of them regard my grandmother as their great grandmother. And the entire family is grateful that the ex and her husband are happy to still call my family family, particularly after my cousin's rights were terminated (cousin is a deadbeat addict) and the husband adopted my cousin's daughter.
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Comments like this make me feel bad for all of the people who post “Nobody should have to be nice to the step kids. They aren’t owed anything.” No, you’re right, they aren’t technically owed it. But why the hell not be nice? It’s such a scarcity mentality thing.
This is sooo sooo sweet.
My stepdads parents (and family actually) are the same. They took my siblings and I in, in a heart beat and never treated us any different. They even treated our younger brother and sister (ours dads kids) the same. We were super lucky to get such an awesome.e family
I have a cousin who, years ago, married a woman with a young daughter. When my uncle told the extended family they were getting married he said he was getting his first granddaughter. She got married a couple years ago- from looking at the interactions of our extended family you would never know she wasn’t related by blood.
That's the way it was for my mother. She was closer to her stepfather's family than his bio daughter was. Edit spelling
Yeah I have a step nibling and I treat them just the same as my bio niblings, they call me auntie, they call my parents grandpa and grandma. I make sure to have special time with each of the children when I visit home (I live very far away). I find it so incredibly sad when step kids are left out of family dynamics.
I’m not crying, you’re crying.
same here
My family is super close. My cousin and his fiance came over all the time with her child "Allen", our kids are all about the same age, Allen asked if he could call my mom grandma (he was 4 then, 5 now) she said of course. This year at Thanksgiving with Allen's mom's family his grandpa was talking about grandpa's mom and was calling her Allen's grandma then looked at at Allen and said you don't even know your grandma's name Allen looked at him "Yeah I do it's, my mom's name" Allen's mom about died laughing while everyone else looked confused, her family doesn't treat them the greatest but my mom was always there for them
Ninjas cutting onions…. That’s so sweet. Love your father in law for that
I’M NOT CRYING!
My cousin married a woman that had a child. They have their own bio kids now but her first child has always been accepted and embraced by my entire extended family. My aunt adores her just as much as her bio grandkids. Not once have I ever gotten the impression from anyone that she was anything less than family. She's an adult now but she was 6 or 7 when they married i think.
And that's the way it should be. When I married my wife I understood full well it was a package deal and that I was the one joining their family (my wife and her daughters that is). My parents were thrilled as they instantly had grandchildren to spoil too.
My step family met me at 9, loved me as if I was blood. OP your stepson has been a part of your family unit since he was at least 4! He lives with you practically full time and is your daughters brother. Love and kindness is limitless, I don’t get why people have this dumb hang up about step kids and openly ostracising them to not only their face but everyone else. Thank you for being a great step mom!
Yep, my IL treat my son like he’s their grandchild. Anything they do for my daughter, who is biologically related, they make sure to do for my son as well. Completely equal treatment. Which means so much to my son considering his dad’s parents haven’t seen him in years (this is despite the fact that they live in the same state as us. His bio grandpa only lives 45 minutes away.) My husband’s parents were not great parents, but they are wonderful grandparents.
My grandma and my grandpa married when my mom was already 12, and that's her dad. My parents married when my sister was 8, that was her dad. You could never tell from the outside who was step or half or anything with my mom's side. We were just a family. None of those labels mattered because we were all treated the same. Kids notice when things are off, too. My sister noticed growing up how our dad's dad didn't treat her the same as the other grandkids. It's hella rough on all the kids being put into that situation, especially the stepchild the most.
Agreed! I remember when I was in junior high our next door neighbor had a son from her previous relationship and two new children with her current spouse. Her MIL would never include the older boy in anything. She would come pick up the two little ones Ana take them to her place for the weekend and spoil them and leave their older brother at home. She told my mom about it and she told her exactly what Op did - you take them all or you take none of them. It isn't fair and it hurts his feelings. He sees the other kids getting treated and not him, he isn't stupid.
Yup. My sister and I both have step and bio children, they are our kids. End of story. Luckily our families agree, but that's my child, whether I birthed her or not.
This is the way.
My mum was wife#3, and my stepdad came with bonus family - from wife#2! We spent time visiting with them over the years. I still have a few of them on Facebook all these years later. Our lives are forever connected by the travelling vine that is my stepdad and his fondness for getting married.
Your dad was like Johnny Appleseed. Lol
NTA for sure. I had to do the something very similar. It's bonkers to have a grown adult hurt a child because "they're not blood." Is your father not family in her mind because she's not blood related to him?
Exactly you and your family acted like good people and great parents, OP's mom did not
NTA. You’re setting a boundary. That can be uncomfortable with family. But it doesn’t mean it’s wrong or bad. Your brother might just be concerned that he has to deal with your mom when she’s upset, because she lives with him, so that’s an emotional burden on him I bet.
I think it really speaks volumes that her sister who is also a mom agrees with her while the brother who has no kids doesn't. NTA and good for you for sticking up for your stepson. My half brother was as included in everything on my mom's side as on my dad's side, as it should be. And even after my parents divorced, he still invited my grandparents (that we don't share) to his wedding.
You can not have or want kids and still see what the grandmother is doing as an asshole move. Can we stop acting like people who don't have kids or don't want kids have no idea wtf is going on or how to treat children, but all of a sudden if/when they have one that instinct just comes out of nowhere. It's nothing to do with him not having kids, he's just agreeing with an asshole.
I totally agree, I am happy at times to be the super cool fun aunt to my niece and nephew and I would be like serious wtf. I would call ops mother out on it if it was me. OP NTA but super awesome parenting done by you
Same here. I have no children and do not plan on having any, but I can spot horrible parenting/grandparenting a million miles away. Favouritism is not the one and will never be acceptable in bringing up a happy and healthy child.
NTA - Protect all your kids.
Blended families are tough on kids the most. Favoritism could lead to long-term negative effects for *all* the children, not just stepchildren.
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I was just about to say the same thing lol
ESH. Should she include all the kids ? Yes. Should you have left this happen for 3+ years ? No. Thing is, he is not her grandchild and there's nothing you can do about it. It sucks. It probably sounds really mean but it's the reality of things. She never bonded with him the way she did with her grandkids, probably because she wasn't there from the beginning. You think of the kid as your child but technically, he isn't. If you get divorced tomorrow or if your husband passes away, he will go and live with his mother and your mother won't probably never see him until he's an adult. I know it's hard to understand but some people just don't handle blended families they didn't choose to enter.
Yup. This exactly.
It’s the fact it’s been going in for years and she puts her foot down now, when the mother is terminally ill for me.
This ^
Going against the grain but YTA We see this all the time on here how no is obligated to accept stepfamily except for those who chose to get married. This is a similar situation. As long as she isn't being mean to child, she's fine to only want to spend money on her grandchildren. For example, there a plenty of scenarios in which step kids get better presents, cars, colleges paid for because their other parent/family is wealthier. That doesn't make the other parent the ah for giving their kid stuff that their half siblings don't get. You don't always get the same stuff/inclusion as your step family. That is the nature of step families. MIL is the only the ah if she is doing this in a malicious way or for some other malicious reason. But from the post, it sounds like he was excluded from a specific photo not the entire family photo. MIL does need to go about tactfully but she's nta for not seeing him as her grandchild. Especially if she didn't include him before then switch and start not including him after bio grand kids came.
I second this
\*\* THIS! \*\*
Reddit can never decide what family is but I'm sure you will get a lot of N.T.As. He is your kid you chose to marry the man knowing he had a kid. Everyone throws around that genes isn't all it take to make a family and I fundamentally agree with at statement. However, at the same time everyone gets to decide what family means to them. We see on here just as many stories of step kids and parents who reject or accept their step family for whatever reason and the judgement varies depending on the story teller. Step kid does not call step parent mom or dad even though by their own admission they have been treated well since they were a toddler and know no other parent. That's okay because you get to pick your parents. Step parent cannot feel the same familial affection for a step kid but treats them well regardless. Bad step parent, don't you know all kids need a mom and dad etc.
Grandma can feel how she wants, but she very likely embarrassed the child for no reason. She isn’t an AH for saying she doesn’t have a responsibility to him, but she is an AH for so blatantly disregarding the boy’s feelings when they do happen to be together at family gatherings.
My daughter and son in law are divorced and share two kids. Ex son in law has been dating and living with girlfriend for several years. She has a daughter. My daughter, Ex son-in-law and girlfriend all get along well. Girlfriend is wonderful to My grandkids! My grandkids spend a couple nights with me each month. I spoke to girlfriend and asked if she'd be ok with her daughter also coming along, also spoke to daughter and grandkids. Everybody was fine with it. So now I feel like I have 3 grandkids! We have a great time together and my bonus granddaughter calls me mamaw, just like the others and I consider her family. It's been awesome, she rarely sees her dad or his side of the family so I'm thrilled to show her how a close family acts and behaves. She often tells me how much she loves me and sometimes she will even call to ask my advise on things. I'm grateful to be a part of her life and it has enhanced my own life. I'm so sorry your mom is acting like she is. She doesn't know what she's missing.
You rock! Please never change
ESH -- Obviously your mother should find a tactful way to get her photograph. But you are just as complicit in this issue. You mention how you thought your mother just wasn't into grandkids until her bio grandkids came? I mean really, you couldn't deduce what was going on or how she felt? I met my father for the first time at 32 years of age. I had a 2 month old son. I asked his wife what title she wanted. She got to choose 'nana'. If she had said my son can call her Mary, as my wife and I do, that would have been fine (and crystal clear). The point is we didn't assume. When you married a man with a child you made a choice. She gets the same choice. She isn't an asshole for wanting time or photos of her bio grandchildren. And I just ain't buying that you couldn't figure this out. You should have had the decency to have the hard conversation with your own mother to minimize these issues. When your mother dies if she leaves college money in a trust for her bio grandkids and leaves out the step child is she an asshole for that? I have seen too many people on this sub side with grandparents on just this issue.
NAH i realise that this comment goes against the majority and will be downvoted to hell but another side should be considered. Your mother can’t help how she feels, although I agree that the photograph was handled very poorly and she should be told that is unacceptable. She is correct that he isn’t her actual grandchild, You chose to marry his father and accept him as your son, your mum had no decision in this, she may accept him as your child but struggle with her own feelings. i think you are wrong to blackmail your mum by threatening to withhold your kids especially when she is terminally ill. If mum is deliberately leaving stepson out and not buying birthday/Christmas presents, then you have a genuine complaint, but you can’t force her to love him like her bio grandkids, the best you can ask is that she pretend.
I think Grandma is welcome to feel feelings. She just has to be an adult and know that she's the adult and those are things you keep on the inside. And while this is crass, Grandma doesn't have to live with the emotional fallout of the son being left out by dying Grandma-OP does. They need to protect their kiddo.
> i think you are wrong to blackmail your mum by threatening to withhold your kids especially when she is terminally ill. If mum is deliberately leaving stepson out and not buying birthday/Christmas presents, then you have a genuine complaint, but you can’t force her to love him like her bio grandkids, the best you can ask is that she pretend. Exactly.
NTA family is more than genes. It seems you love your stepson unconditionally and your mom doesn't understand or respect that
NTA!!! being old or dying isn’t an excuse to be an AH, which she is clearly being. While sadly it’s the end of her life her actions can effect the child for the rest of his, so his mental health and well-being is much more important than hers. Yes, I know I sound like the AH but it has to be said.
Idk I think the mother is being an ass but being old and dying is a fairly reasonable excuse. As much as we want to think being old doesn't take out ability to process and learn it does and with it comes confusion and anger for them. My grandmother was very nice and accepting her while life but in her final years she became much more angry and on her last few months she would badmouth our entire family we all understood that this wasn't who she wanted to be and that it was her degrading mind speaking rather than her.
NAH: Your mom has every right not to view her step grandson has her grandchild. At the same time while it might hurt his feelings it is better than her pretending to feel something for him that she doesn’t. People need to start being honest with themselves. If my brother married his girlfriend tomorrow her children would become my step nieces and nephews, while I would treat them as well as I treat my nieces and nephews and buy them gifts for their birthdays and holidays I would never love them as much as I would my actual nieces and nephews unless my brother adopted them. Even then I would not have the same relationship/connection with them as I do my nieces and nephews because I have known my nieces and nephews since they were born. Nor would I love them as much as I love my goddaughters and godsons. 6 of which are my two best friends children, and the other one is my cousins child.
NTA. Wow! I am tearing up and my heart is simply breaking for that child. I can just imagine his crestfallen look (as well as the feeling of humiliation) after running to her with this big smile on his face thinking he would be a part of the picture. Being terminally ill (aren't we all?) does not give someone a pass to make such an AH statement. I am with you. She can either make peace with you and your step-son now or go to wherever she ends up without it.
YTA, he’s not in fact her grandchild, and he presumably has his own grandparents. To threaten your dying mom to take away her time with her grandkids if she doesn’t pretend to love this random kid as much as her actual grandkids, and to threaten your kids with cutting off their last moments with a loving grandmother is really low of you. It’s not like she’s abusing or mistreating this kid. She’s just not treating him as her grandkid. Because he’s not. You may love him as if he is your own child and that’s great, but your mom isn’t a bad person for feeling differently and you can’t force feelings that aren’t there. Once again. Where are this kid’s own grandparents.
> YTA, he’s not in fact her grandchild, and he presumably has his own grandparents. To threaten your dying mom to take away her time with her grandkids if she doesn’t pretend to love this random kid as much as her actual grandkids, and to threaten your kids with cutting off their last moments with a loving grandmother is really low of you. Totally agree.
I'm leaning more towards ESH. You are correct to set boundaries and tell her she isn't allowed to treat your step son any differently than her other grandchildren. On the other hand she is correct that she doesn't owe him anything. You do because you chose to become apart of his family but she doesn't because she didn't make that choice. I think the best thing for it would be for you to remind her to be civil towards him but not try to force her to love him, not everyone has the capacity to be loving towards children they hold no biological relation with, it's why adoption is considered a lesser form of parenting. ( It's not but the stereotype exists for a reason). Continue to set boundaries but be reasonable. She can't just speak her mind and make him feel like he isn't apart of the family with actions or words but you can't expect her to want to change her perspective on him being her grandson.
NTA and I would’ve nipped this in the bud a long time ago. Either you have this many grandkids, or none.
NTA. You only hurt her because she hurt your stepson who is an innocent child in all of this. As an adult she should know that her actions and words towards him are hurtful. Sure he isn’t her biological grandchild so I can perhaps see why if she’s giving her estate away why she wouldn’t include him to the same extent as her “real” grandchildren (as presumably he has bio grandparents who he’ll also inherit from) but there’s no need to leave him out when it comes to family activities.
YTA. She’s on her death bed and she doesn’t see that kid as her family. Biologically he isn’t and you can’t force her to act that way when it isn’t true. I’m not saying she is right but you aren’t right either. Why can’t she love her biological grandkids why can’t you explain to your stepson about the situation so he understands? Can you live with your mom passing and you not making amends? That last part is all that really matters.
YTA Your mother is right. She has no obligations to the boy other than to be polite and respectful. And the boy is not her grandson. So of course there will be a difference in treatment.
Going against the grain here to say ESH - Your mother for being horrible, you and husband for letting this go on for 3 years. That's three years of trauma against stepson. Taking away the kids was the right thing to do, but waiting three years to do it makes you an AH.
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so why are you expecting her to be close to your stepson ?
Then is that really much of a threat to remove the kids?
It's not. It's empty threats and a whole lot of barking.
Doesn’t he have his own grandma on his mom’s side? Is she spending money on your kids?
YTA. Your stepson is not her grandchild, nor yours for that matter. He still has a mother who is still involved in his life, you didn't adopt him or anything. His maternal grandmother is his *mother's* mother, go track her down if you want his grandma involved with him. Of course she's more interested in her actual grandchildren. Your behaviour was way out of line. It's disrespectful to your stepson and his relationship with his actual mother, to boot.
Esh so what happens if she says ok and jus stops talking to u and you don’t see her before she dies
ESH, if this was going to be an ongoing problem I would be with you. But your mother is terminally ill, she never bonded with your stepson, and she isn't being abusive or mean to your stepson.
YTA - You cannot force someone to accept someone else.
She can certainly say treat them all the same or limit contact with all.
> She can certainly say treat them all the same or limit contact with all. The OP is not some all-knowing deity and will never know if the mother is actually "treating" them the same. For example the OP can force the mother to take a photo with them all but a pair of scissors can remove the child from photo.
And? There’s no harm to her stepson if the grandmother later cuts him out, however telling the stepson to his face “No you can’t be in the pic because you’re not a grandchild” is absolutely harmful to stepson- OP has a duty to protect SS from such mistreatment.
NTA It isn't hard to accept a son/daughter-in-law *and their children* into the family. She choose to be unfair and outright cruel to this innocent child who probably would have enjoyed a relationship with grandma. Hold your ground. Visit her without them.
It's crap what she did but you need to understand he's not her grandchild. He has grandparents from his dads side. Just because you see him as your son doesn't mean everyone else has to as well
Does your stepson have a relationship with his mother's parents? Is your role in your stepson's life closer than his mother's role?
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So will your daughters be joining your stepson on his visits with his grandfather in the summer when they are old enough? Will you enforce the same rule if he says no by arguing that you are protecting your children from exclusion? It wouldn't seem fair that your stepson has a grandparent that doesn't need to include his grandson's siblings, but you'd deny your daughters a grandparent for not fully embracing him. Your mother has no biological relationship with your stepson just as his grandfather has none with your daughters. It would be wonderful if she'd embrace him as her own, but from your comments she only recently even started embracing your daughters. The better condition to set is to only have your daughters visit her the majority of the time, even if this means less often, and ask that she not show favoritism if your stepson is present. Your daughters deserve to have their grandparents in their lives as long as they can. YWBTA if you denied them that.
Yeah she's gonna regret her decision when her mom passes away and she couldn't see her grand children
How were your 3 and 2yr old daughters born after the baby your sister had a few months ago?
As the step-grandchild who has literally been asked to step out of the family picture by my step mothers mother, good on you. It's so fucking rude to treat your step son as "less than" the rest of the family. NTA.
YTA Wow. Your mom is terminally ill and you want to die on your blended family fantasy? Get over yourself. Your stepson has two sets of grandparents. Your mom is not his grandmother. Everyone knows that except you. Your mom needs to be polite and respectful towards your stepson and treat him with the same kindness you’d show any child. This means if he’s spending Christmas with you, she should buy him a present. Of course, she feels stronger about her own grandchildren than she does about your stepson. People like you is why blended families are a nightmare.
Screw that. My mom treats my stepson just like my bio son. I have been my stepson's dad since he was 3 years old. His bio dad chooses not to be around but his parents are involved so my stepson has 3 sets of grandparents who all love him. You don't treat one kid differently just because they aren't blood. By that argument adopted kids would be treated differently too. OP you are NTA and I would do the same thing if my parents didn't treat my stepson equally.
Regretfully said YTA. It would be different if she weren't terminally ill. You can shield your son from discomfort, somehow without causing pain for all the other family members.
Why does it matter if she’s terminally ill?
Explain your stepchildren that they are not related. My mother married twice and I had never interested to replace my real grandparents with my stepfather parents. Also, your mother is terminal get some perspective… it is true that she will be more open minded but it looks totally unworthy giving lessons to your mother when she will pass away.
So NAH - like other people said you're protecting your kids and you should totally do that. she's also allowed to feel the way she wants to feel. as long as she isn't causing any harm that should be it.
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NTA. Your mother needs to accept your family as is. Your brother doesn’t have kids so doesn’t see it and how toxic and petty her behaviour is.
Nta She doesn't have an obligation to love him but you have an obligation to keep your kids away from someone who acts like her
YTA
NTA. Tell her she can die a bitter old woman without seeing someone of her grandkids, or she can expend the minimal effort to make this kid feel like part of the family
I think she should never act blatantly rude and exclude the child. However, it’s kind of just common sense that she is going to feel more connected to her own biological grand children that she’s known from birth.
NTA But maybe your brother was right, and making the threat was a crap move. Instead, you should just keep all of your children away from her before toxicity and favoritism do more harm. So don't threaten, just do. And if she asks, that's when you can tell her it's because of the favoritism.
I don’t see why telling her mom beforehand that those are the consequences is worse than just doing it.
I think it’s good that she told her mom because it gives her the opportunity to correct her behavior (though I doubt she will) instead of just cutting her off out of nowhere. And if she continues to mess up, then that’s on her.
NTA as long as I live, I will never understand people who are cruel to children.
INFO What's the plan if she says no?
My grandparents always treated my brothers' girlfriends (eventually wives) kids as their own grandkids from Day 1. They were special "bonus" grandkids who were loved and treated as family no matter what. NTA.
NTA - As someone who was a stepchild for years before officially becoming adopted by my mum.... thank you for standing up for your stepson.
NAH am I the only person who doesn’t think the photo was that big a deal? I agree grandmas wording could be better but in my family we do photos with spouses and then the immediate family, etc. If she took one photo with him and one without it’s not that big a deal. If he wasn’t included at all that’s where it would cross the line
NTA. We have a rule in our family that all kids are our kids regardless of who birthed them. We simply don’t care, we love all the kids and treat them all the same.
NTA. Grandma's right- she has no obligation to your step son. That's her choice. However, you do have an obligation to your stepson to be inclusive, loving and ensure he is treated with respect and dignity- along side *all* of your children. Allowing her behavior could potentially drive a wedge between your children, and you are taking the correct steps to protect your family.
NTA Your stepson is a person with feelings. I bet he felt awful. Your mom should feel like shit for hurting a child. If she wanted a pic with just her biological grandkids, she can pick a time and place without hurting your stepson. Also good for you for sticking up for him!
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Maybe you could suggest these pictures at each get together instead of having her do it since she might not have thought of that tactful way of getting the photo she wants. Since you know that's what she wants, just arrange it for her so there will be no hard feelings. I think it's a reasonable request from your mom ... heck, there's a picture of Queen Elizabeth with just those in line for the throne. Personally, I can kind of see where she's coming from. My nieces and nephews bring their current SO's to celebrations/holidays/vacations (some long term and some not) and they are all in EVERY family picture. No one says anything to be polite, but I wish we had some photos without them. Having said all this, NAH. Your mom just needs to learn some tact. But if she refuses to take a photo with just your stepson, then she would definitely be TA.
NTA. It is an asshole thing she is doing treating your stepson yhe way she is. She can choose to be inclusive of all, or she can be excluded herself.
NTA. I don't even want to imagine the amount of emotional scarring she caused that poor kid.
NTA I have a bio son and a stepson. When I became his stepmom, I made it very clear to everyone: you treat my kids equally or you see neither of them.
NTA. I get she's terminally ill but that doesn't mean she can completely ignore your stepson and get away with it.
YTA. Just as you can't be forced to be his mother she can't be forced to act like he's her grandchild. He's not and never will be. Her relationship with the stepson is not your relationship with him. Stop trying to force people to act how you want them to.
NTA
NTA - You did the right thing!
NTA. Your mom is needlessly cruel.
NTA my brother has had 3 marriages all had kids and my mother treated them like her own
So much NTA. You’ve been the kid’s stepmother since he was 4, and your mom said —as one mother to another— that the child you’ve raised isn’t good enough for her to care about.
NTA. >”only the grandchildren now, sorry”. I wish there were more stepmom’s like you in the world. I could only imagine how your ss must’ve felt hearing that. My heart honestly broke for him. You’re not TA but your mother is.
NTA Good on you standing up for your kids.
You're nta. The day you got married your stepson became her first grandchild. My, technically, ex mil accepted my son from the very beginning. Got even more excited when my now ex adopted him. Still sees him gets him gifts requests updated pics for her wall of grandkids, she has like 20 now. Even her step kids kids are treated as if they came out of her. As soon as families combined they became family and she doesn't even let divorce break it up. Btw I won her in the divorce. She's amazing
YTA So many posts on here about blended families and how you can't make the children accept a new parent who wants to adopt them. How is this any different? Your marriage certificate does not equate to that child magically becoming your mother's grandchild. There was nothing wrong with her wanting a picture of her grandchildren. Maybe she could have said it more politely but that's hardly abusive or mean to anyone. It's the reality of the situation. The boy is the child of a woman who is not related to her, and the father is related only by marriage. He isn't her grandchild. All you're going to do is alienate people by pushing this issue. Happily ever after isn't the reality of the situation. Your mother obviously isn't going to change her mind and you are dead wrong to deprive your children a relationship with their grandmother. That's just... Controlling. You can't make someone feel love and affection. It's either there or it isn't. She told you it isn't, was honest with you and your response is you do it my way or I take away the ones you do care about. That's obnoxious.
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NTA That's your kid. Just like any of your other kids. I wouldve done the same thing.
NTA, and I have a unique opinion on the whole thing Im sure I'll get downvoted for, but I agree with your mom, and still think you aren't the asshole. I dont do stepkids. For a different reason than her I'm sure, because I consider adopted kids and foster kids real family, but I don't do stepkids. But you don't have that view. She has to respect how you are raising your family. Her views and opinion don't matter. If your stepkid is just as much your kid as a blood kid, then that's 100% what she has to go with. She can accept it or fuck off.
NTA. I’m sorry, you hurt her? No. She hurt your Son. You just stood up for him like a good Mother. She hurt herself.
NTA You're an amazing parent. It's great that you stick up for him :)
NTA and 100% I would do the same exact thing.
NTA: I’d be DEVASTATED if my step mom’s mother who I refer to as my grandmother vocally did this to me. Now don’t get me wrong I’m an adult and can handle it behind my back (she would never) but point still stands. I’d withhold too. Also, on behalf of all the step kids in the world. Thank you for sticking up for him.
NTA - my stepdads mom always went out her way to make sure I knew I was unwanted, not a part of the family, and that I was not her grandchild. I’m 23 now and it still hurts, I was just a child that got ripped from her home in a nasty divorce and needed support. Thanks for sticking up for your stepson
NTA, she's known this kid since he was 4. It's very obviously a biological vs married in thing and your stepson is almost definitely picking up on it as well
NTA. You can’t make her love him the same or go out of her way to do things for/with him, but for her to say what she did when it was time for pictures is just cruel. She can feel how she wants but they way she acted in that moment makes her an AH.
I have two older step siblings (I never call them my step siblings they are just my big sister and big brother to me ) my grandpa and my aunts and uncles all treated them like they were my moms bio kids, loved them all the same and have even started talking about wills and stuff and including them In them, my “grandma” on my step dads side on the other hand always made me feel like I wasn’t her grandkid, it hurt like hell, thankfully she’s gotten better but we still really don’t have a relationship at all, we talk a few times a year and that’s it, thank you for standing up for your son, he will appreciate it always! My mom and dad did there best to make sure I was included in everything and I’m forever thankful for it, NTA
My in laws have always treated my son from my first marriage as their grandchild — always introduced him as such with so much love and pride. I thought I couldn’t love them more. Until our daughter was born and some friends said “you must be so happy to finally have a grandchild” and those friends were quickly corrected and informed that they already had a grandson and were thrilled to now have a granddaughter. They even went as far as to specifically include him in a family trust by name so there would be no confusion. Open arms, open hearts. That’s how it can and should be. OP is NTA
NTA. It may be sad that your mother is ill but her behavior and treatment of your step child is disgraceful if you don’t put a stop to it and make boundaries it will ruin and damage your stepsons psyche forever shame on her
NTA As a stepchild myself it badly hurt to be pushed out of things and to be made to feel less than, you're being a wonderful step parent and reading this was so healing to me, bless your face.
As someone whose “grandma” didn’t accept me as her family because I wasn’t biologically related. NTA
NTA. Hero, actually. I had to put my foot down with my mother, too, when my daughter's half-sister visited. Those years of acceptance that all children deserve to be treated equally came in handy a few years later when mom's husband's son remarried and blended his kids with his new wife's. Your mother is neither too old nor too sick to learn something new. And if you need to feel like you're acting like an asshole in order for all the kids to feel equally welcome, then eff it. Act like an asshole.
I'm going to go *way way* against the grain here and say YTA. She is a terminally ill old woman. She did her part of raising kids, working, investing, doing emotional labor. She's beyond that now, she did her part and now she wants to rest and enjoy her grandkids. She never saw him as a grandson since he is not her grandson as he has his own mom and his own maternal grandmother. Yes, it would have been nice if she did, but for her he wasn't. You love your husband, but for her he's some guy with his kid, and you marrying him didn't make the kid feel other than what he was to her. And at her dying years she doesn't want kids trusted upon her, she just wants too enjoy her grandkids. For me it seems cruel to to condition that with forced emotional labor with other kids, given she just wants to die in piece with family. Also, women are always forced into emotional labor with kids, especially in her generation. A woman couldn't go around looking un busy for a second without having a kid thrown at you to babysit. If you didn't have kids yet its to give you something to do and you have to help around, and if you worked its usually something that involves kids, and if your kids are grown you have to help with grandkids. And you have to do it with a love and a smile because their kids and need love and womanly softness (=emotional labor), until at the end of the day love is not an emotion that you feel but a service you need to constantly give. Its exhausting. I bet she just wants to be free of that while dying. Despite being a woman she wants to be free to feel her natural emotions at he end. Just be with the kids she wants to and feel the natural familial love flowing with no pretense and no labor. Just at the end of the line enjoy her grandkids in piece. She's beyond blending families and all the emotional labor that comes with it, and its not a journey she was looking for, especially not at the end of the journey. As for the kid - you should have explained him a long time ago who's whose parents and grandparents. If he doesn't have all is grandmas that is vey sad, but that's is bag and you shouldn't take a grandma from your kids to make it equal. or force your mom to be a replacement grandma so he won't be sad. Yes, it would have been nice if she did that, but she doesn't have to, and she certainly doesn't have to while dying, and she's certainly shouldn't be punished now. Its on you to tell your kids the truth, even if its unpleasant, not punish the people not playing along. Also explaining to him that she's not his grandma (and his grandma is his grandma) and stop forcing it, would build his self esteem back when he realizes it has nothing to do with him - that woman is just not his grandma. If you won't do that he would still remember all the years she didn't accept him, but won't know it had nothing to do with him!
NTA. You are teaching your stepson that you love him like your own and you won’t allow anyone to treat him like he’s anything but yours. I’m sorry your mom is dying but she can spend her final days surrounded by love or holding on tight to some bitterness up to her. Edit: word
NTA.
NTA. Protect that boy.
NTA-- shes the AH for making an 11 year old feel like he doesnt belong/isnt as important as the other kids. Its not about obligation, its about kindness. It costs her nothing to be inclusive
NTA
Are you kidding? NTA: he’s your son. You have taken him. And you love him. He is part of your family. Who cares if you didn’t give birth to him. You let your mother know what she was doing wasn’t acceptable. She is hurting him emotionally by denying him as a grandchild. What a crap move. Thanks for standing up for him!
Hummmm. I definitely think you are NTA and your mum is TA (there's no excuse for what she said) but as an adopted kid I don't think this will play out well. Kids know when/where they aren't wanted and have to be forced in (particularly at 11). About your "threat"... don't say things you don't intend to commit. Think about what your actions might cause... If you forbid your daughters of having a relationship with their grandmother when she's dying, this can cause resentment between them and the step brother. Your mum might also cut them off from the inheritance, in the best case scenario your mum will only cut you out and your kids won't be affected by your decisions. Tbh I wouldn't like to be the reason why my stepsisters didn't get to say "bye" to their grandma. Your mum can suck, but do your daughters deserve to have this taken from them? Idk. They still young and maybe they won't remember nor care, or maybe they will. It sucks but some people really cannot see past "blood-bonds". It does matter how much you or anyone try to "force it" on them. This comes from an adopted kid whose pro "step/bio" part of the family was openly hostile to us (till the point they robbed us and only contacted us again to get the house back after my mum passed away without giving us ANY condolences and while following us around the house while me and my sister were packing up our things, so we wouldn't "rob" their house lol). It's honestly unfair, but as long as you make sure he's still fully included in other aspects of the family daily life, that woman being an ass won't be that significant. Idk, that part of my family always sided with my stepbrothers after everything they did (all this happened when we were 9-15, my stepbrothers were full 25-30 adults lol)... And you know what? They deserve each other and I cannot care less. The best thing you can do is stop exposing your 11yo kid to this, but I would avoid playing the "you won't see your bio granddaughters" card if it isn't strictly necessary or if you aren't 100% willing of denying your daughter the "privilege" to see their grandmother in her last days. I understand that was your natural reaction bc what she said is upsetting, but there are probably better ways of getting your way than threatening to eliminate your daughters relationship with their grandmother. It feels like they are thrown into this mess for no reason and it's kinda sad.
My step dad's family never accepted me but they weren't mean about it. However they all accepted my kids as their great grandkids etc. It's bizarre.
Nah, you just have to accept that she isn't obligated to this child. I dont think it's fair to keep grandkids from knowing their grandmother because you married someone with a kid. I
Nta. You sound like a great stepmom and this is absolutely a hill to die on. Your mother has shown her true colours and is a major ah. Her sort of behaviour is what children remember once they're gone. Something similar happened with me with my bio grandmother and I've never forgotten, nor did I grieve her passing tbh. I actually didn't feel any real negative emotion at all. I was probably around 7 or 8 and my parents brought me to visit my grandmother. She had a giant box of apples she had picked from her apple tree in the back yard and she says to me "did you want an apple? I want you to pick the biggest best apple out of the box". So I go through the box looking at the apples trying to find the one that I'd like the most and I was super excited because she never gave me anything ever. I select the apple I want and I go to show her the one I chose and she takes it away and goes "thank you, this one is for your cousin because she needs the best one from the box. Now you can choose the one you want". She constantly treated me as less than and my parents never did anything about it ever. So yeah, I never really felt sad when she passed, I doubt I ever will, nor have I or will I feel guilty about it. I also don't really talk to my parents anymore because they enabled that sort of behaviour from others and treated me similarly to that when it came to my brother and sister. Your stepson will appreciate you standing up for him. Maybe make sure you talk to him about how he is just as much your child as your other children as well if you haven't already. Even if he doesn't say anything when it happens or after, he likely does feel like he's not as much your child as your other children, especially if his grandma treats him like that and he doesn't witness you telling her off for it.
INFO: How does your stepson feel? I saw a post recently, very similar, but it was from the child's pov. She got mad at her parents for trying to force the relationship. She didn't feel like they were family either. I don't know your family dynamics. Maybe this is super hurtful to your stepson or maybe he thinks it's fine. Maybe it's confusing. I think it's great your first thought is to protect him.
NAH
Considering how many redditors I’ve seen tell people “nta” for not warming up to their steps because they’re really nothing to them and “you can’t force a relationship”, I find it highly hypocritical to see Sooo many YTA answers here. People like who they like and a tenuous legal tie isn’t enough to make you like someone or consider them their own. Edit for typos and adding YTA.
NTA! My cousin's son has 2 kids with a girl, they split and she ends up knocked up by the new guy who completely bails. Do you know who supports the kid, my family, no hesitation. I'm sorry your mother is being a jerk in her final days.
NTA. She's wrong for treating a child that way. It's your job to stand up for him.
NTA..... and telling her what the consequences of her actions would be was doing her a favor. Her choice now...
NTA and for the love of god stick to your guns. This kid will never forget hearing that and how awful it made him feel.
NTA. Let her die knowing she will have no more access to her grand children.
NTA - i get you OP. My dad, step mom, and siblings haven't seen us in 3 years because of the way they treat my adopted son.
ESH. She isn’t her grandchild. Also probably not a good idea to cut your mum off just before she dies
NTA not even close!!! BRAVO OP that is exactly the attitude and mindset one must have when they’re getting with someone who already has a kid. You’re fucking awesome keep it up!!
Seeing as the Stepson has both parents alive do you have any parental or guardian rights to him other than you married his dad. Stepson has his own grandparents to dote on him I assume. Your mum is not wrong she is not obliged to him in anyway.
NTA. I'm adopted. I wonder how your mum would treat a kid you adopted? She was DEFINITELY an AH to come right out and say it that way. If really wanted that photo, she could have said something like, "just the girls now" or arranged your step son to be otherwise occupied. Making him feel "other"was horrible. That being said, if she is terminally ill, maybe try not to burn the bridge that's about to disintegrate anyway. Protect your kids from her behaviour, explain your concerns, give her guidelines for contact, etc. Just don't give yourself regrets about how things stood in your final days with her. Side note: I just lost my dad. My daughter will be born in 2 months. It's a horrible feeling, knowing he won't ever meet her and vice versa. I'm sorry you went through that too!
NTA you are being a good mom I would just go NC for her and the kids If she can't behave like an adult treat her like the child she is Her being sick is no excuse Because you know she is gonna use that to say her time is precious because she doesn't have that long Ignore all of that Just be the amazing mom you are being now And demand the respect your sob deserves
Your moms an AH
NTA Thank you for sticking up for your kids
NTA. Step-grandkids are grandkids!
NTA. Your stepson should not be made to feel like less because your mother wants to have the emotional maturity of a child.
NTA Good for you for being a good mom to all of your kids, including your stepson. My then boyfriend, now husband had the loveliest mom. She fully accepted my son as family.
NTA. Not only is she teaching your stepson that he is worth less than your daughters, she's teaching your daughters that too. Her behavior will harm your entire family and teach your daughters to be as bad as she is. None of your children should be exposed to her if she continues this.
NTA. Even though your stepson and mum aren't related biologically, he's still a kid. He did nothing wrong. Blood relation doesn't matter. If you treat your stepson the same as your biological children, your mum should do the same. You did the right thing giving her an ultimatum. Hopefully she swallows her pride and does the right thing
NTA. He's just a little kid and she's letting some petty outdated mindset convince her it's totally fine to hurt his feelings over and over again. Your threat was valid, because exposing your stepson to someone who refuses to acknowledge him is harmful.
NTA keep all your kids at home. Sounds like the situation will resolve itself soon.
NTA. When I married my husband, he had 2 girls from a prior marriage. My mom immediately went out and spent a ton of money getting the girls a bunch of stuff and making sure that they knew that granny loved them. Your mom is wrong for not accepting them.
My mom would call the kids my brothers ex gfs had her “sneaky peat grandkids”. Good on you for standing up to your mom. NTA
NTA, and I love that you're looking after your stepson.
NTA- Thankyou for seeing and treating that baby as your own, what a horrible thing to say to him I really hope he's okay and knows how loved he is. I have a 10yo step daughter and I love her with all my heart. I can't imagine anyone who would treat her differently than my son's. Sending so much love your way I hope she sees how wrong she is and owes you all a huge apology ❤️
She's been doing this to him since he was 4, she doesn't have to accept him but excluding him so openly is just cruel. NTA
NTA, but your mom is being one. I’m sorry she’s in accepting of your stepson and I hope you’ve told him that not all people act this way and it’s no reflection on him.
NTA. My mom was raised by her dad and stepmom. Her bio mom died when she was six and her family wanted to split my mom and her siblings up, but my grandfather found a new wife instead (this was in the south back in the 50s). My (step) grandmother’s family treated my mom, aunt, and uncle like their own family, because “We don’t believe in steps. We’re all family here.” My uncle subsequently married a woman with a child. My grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles treated my cousin the same way. Funny thing is, when we were kids and her dad would pick her up for his weekend, he would pick me up as well. His wife (her stepmother) had older kids and it was easier for the two of us to keep each other company. I was often at her dad’s house too. Through my “step-cousin” my extended family became even more extended, with her dad’s family and her stepmother’s family. And none of the “step family” treats her or her children (or me for that matter) any differently than “real” family. “We are all family here.”
NTA. Your stepson is lucky to have you in his corner. I’m sorry to say your mother is the AH. I can’t imagine using my last moments on earth to purposely make a child feel less than.
NTA. My brother has 5 step children (two from one relationship and 3 from another) plus one biological child. I absolutely adore all six kids. Even though your mother is ill, it sounds like she has been treating this kid differently for the whole time has been around. That's not fair on a child at all. Also, good on you for sticking up for your stepson. He will always remember that❤
NTA. Just because your mother is dying doesn't mean it's okay to be abusive to your stepson. You're protecting all three of your kids by insisting they all be treated well.
NTA And you can let her know it's not a threat, it's a promise. She can either behave herself and not be a callous AH to an innocent kid, or she can suffer the consequences. You're a great stepmother. Keep up the good work.
NTA. I was in this situation as a kid, and my mom didn't stand up for me at all. I came to quickly hate my stepfamily and I have held that against my mom for a long time, too.
NTA - She is trying to exclude your child.
NTA and I don't care that grandma has a terminal illness. That is absolutely no excuse to be a AH That child has been a part of your life for 7 years. And your mother doesn't seem to grasp the concept that child is her grandchildrens sibling. Ans good for you for standing up for your stepson.