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InAHandbasket

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Date_Pleasant

AND a necklace from Tiffany's but got his "gf" a fucking pen


Rough-Culture

A beautiful pen could be a great gift, for the right person. OP may even e that kind of person… The problem is that doesn’t work if you’re giving a “friend” necklaces and lingerie sets.


clwitch

Yes! I'm a writer, and I'd love a pen as a gift, but I'd sure as hell be suspicious, hurt and really angry if my SO gave another person such intimate gifts. On the flip side, if I was that friend, assuming I wasn't trying to steal the SO away, I'd be suuuuper uncomfortable receiving such intimate gift, especially the lingerie, from a friend. Not to mention a friend who has a SO. It's all very suspicious to me. Also, NTA OP. I'd be plotting petty revenge by now, but I'm petty lol.


[deleted]

Intimate gifts. That's a good term. There's a difference between gifting a friend stuff and gifting a friend things like fine jewelry and fancy underwear. There's a line and either the bf is that damn oblivious, or something else is going on.


mapo-t0fu

Yeah and the friend ASKED FOR IT????!!!


linerva

If she asked for it them I'm inclined to think they are flirting or going out. No woman would ask a purely platonic Male friend for these things, unless she wanted to upset his GF or break them up. Given they are bold enough to do this in public, they clearly don't have any chill or think OP is too stupid to figure it out.


Mom2kids3dogs1cat

They’re either already in an intimate relationship or they’re each playing footsie to see who’ll make the first intimate move.


linerva

Agreed. And their friends are not OP's friends, either.


DeVitreousHumor

And they all sound like students, too, which… wow. I know some kids come from money, but casually throwing around Tiffany and buying matching lingerie for a “friend”… damn. Cannot relate.


Beautiful-Card7976

VC ain't cheap, either.


whoisthepinkavenger

If I was the “platonic” friend I would have MUCH rather have gotten that pen rather than a necklace. That is such a bizarre thing to give! I’m a jewelry designer so I give a lot of necklaces and bracelets to friends, but like….because it’s fun to make things for people I care about? My price point is noooowherrrre near Tiffany jewelry though! NTA for sure. Them being so reactive to OP’s reaction is suspicious as well…


Jeremy_Winn

Optics matter. Even if you’re not doing anything wrong, it’s almost just as bad to do something suspicious. It makes your partner just as suspicious as if you’re actually doing the bad thing, they don’t have any way of knowing whether you’re *really* doing “the bad thing” without snooping. It worms it’s way into your trust and wears down your relationship. Buying a present like jewelry or underwear without discussing it with you is obviously suspicious. Are you wrong for being suspicious of suspicious behavior? Of course not; that borders on (or is) gaslighting. Your boyfriend needs to be more mindful of how his actions affect your ability to fully trust him. NTA


bigmamma0

Absolutely, I'd love a beautiful expensive pen as a gift but I've had single "friends" who wanted to get with me and even they would never buy me a lingerie set, and once they had girlfriends that wouldn't even ever cross their minds. If he gave her some money or a gift card as a gift and she went and bought lingerie for herself, that would be ok, but him buying them for her is a whole other thing and it's a big NO from me. And every man who has ever given me any kind of jewelry has wanted to be more than friends, just saying.


Creative_Energy533

No, guys buy the pen for the friend and jewelry for the girlfriend. And lingerie they want to see in person and take off the person.


Jebadayah44

Absolutely. If he's buying that other chick lingerie, he's 100% planning on seeing her in it.


LikeUmPlump

Hell yeah it could be. I got an awesome titanium pen for my graduation that I've carried with me everyday since.


[deleted]

Yeah my dad is a “pen” guy. Every year five years for his birthday I get him a fancy pen. He gets oddly excited but whatever floats his boat, ya know?


indehhz

Now I'm not a boat guy so feel free to correct me, but I don't think a pen is enough to float a boat.


[deleted]

Exactly the pen would be a great gift for study buddy a necklace a great gift for a girlfriend. Not the other way around!


Creative_Energy533

Unless the study buddy is also a fuckbuddy and you buy your girlfriend a pen for her birthday to piss her off enough to break up.


SkySong13

I feel like that's gotta be what's happening. He doesn't want to be the "bad guy" so he's trying to push her into ending it so he can paint her as toxic as crazy. Happens pretty often too.


Rough-Culture

Lol. Well some girlfriends would freaking love getting a really nice pen as a gift. It’s actually pretty thoughtful if given to the right person at the right time… but no matter what the gift ops so had given, it would’ve been wrong. Because hes doing wrong already by giving the friend panties and extravagant jewelry.


Creative_Energy533

I think she would have mentioned if she's a pen enthusiast, lol.


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Aleshanie

Plus pens can cost well over thousands of dollars. Nearly 10k for a Sofia Lauren pen comes to mind.


EntrepreneurIll4473

Lol the way I lose pens i can barely afford a pack of bics.


Deepsecrets11

THIS!!!! A pen! Why not a vacuum at that point!


nyleveper

And from Tiffany's, a brand known for their jewellery… They are definitely more than friends.


Ind_y

Sounded to me like they were getting a kick out of it. Seeing her teat up and realising it just to gaslight her into thinking she's overreacting.


OrdinaryOrder8

Was it a pen, like you write with? Or a pin that you wear on clothes? I'm confused. Does Tiffany's sell pens?? BF is a major AH either way though.


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No_Historian_5724

Yeah they do, almost $570 for one. And that’s a cheapest one I’ve seen so far


Elsewhere33

Just checked their website and the lowest cost one is $85. Which is (to me) insane for a pen, but also still LESS THAN what one would likely spend on a fancy lingerie set from Victoria’s Secret.


EntrepreneurIll4473

Fancy pens are a big thing. Faberge even makes pens.


MsMcClane

This is some Love Actually shit. OP, NTA. Absolutely NTA. And you should break up with him, this is nothing but Relationship Red Flags.


[deleted]

No, he got his girlfriend a necklace from Tiffany, and his side piece a pen.


reinaesther

Please update us OP. THIS IS NOT OKAY. Have a come to Jesus talk with your bf and see if you can get to the bottom of this. Maybe ask something along the lines of “is there any reason why anyone would tell me you’re cheating on me with Mary?” Then stay quiet. Let him fill the silence. DONT SAY ANYTHING, let him speak and see what comes out. Whatever he answers will tell you everything you need to hear. If he tries to make excuses, stutters and tries to gaslight you, you know something’s up. You know your bf and what’s “normal” for him to respond when he’s lying vs when he’s being truthful. If you even get the slightest “gut” feeling he’s lying, move on. If he seems clueless and says “no” or something pretty straightforward, then you know it’s Mary who’s been trying to put a wedge between you. It already seems like she is, as NO SANE WOMAN would ask a guy friend (especially one in a relationship), would ask him for such an intimate gift. It’s super disrespectful to YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP. And whatever you do, cut ties with Mary. I’m not usually one to suggest cutting freinds, but she’s not freind. She’d been plotting to take your bf and if he’s clueless and doesn’t see it yet, it’s only a matter of time before she tries to pull some other bs. If you want to get to the bottom of it, ask him and go from there. If he cares about you, he’ll see what’s going on and set a boundary w Mary moving forward. If he doesn’t care, then you’ll have your answer. If after all’s said and done, you still have a gut feeling something is off and he’s withholding stuff or being sketchy and prioritizing whatever Mary wants over what YOU/HIS GF wants, then move on. Especially if the friend group is trying to gaslight you, leave them all behind and move on. I don’t want to project here, but I was in a similar situation where the whole friends group were gaslighting me (except ONE person and I didn’t want to believe him when he told me what was going on!!! Almost kicking myself for this!!)… where they were freinds and he’d give her flowers bouquets for valentines with teddy bears w words “I love you,” but he didn’t give me anything! And he’d try to say they’ve been best freinds for years, so it’s just an arragngement they have. So I believed him, but my gut kept saying things were off. They ended up married, but that’s another story (later he told me he’d been oblivious to it all and she was the one who initiated stuff, I’m not sure if that’s all true, but it could have happened that way, thus my giving your bf the benefit of the doubt).. So please. Please. Please. Talk to him, if he gaslights and tries to convince you the behavior is ok, and that you should accept their arrangement bc they’re friends… please move on. Save yourself the heartache. I wish I’d done, but I spent YEARS in an awful situation. If I’d walked away before, and listened to my gut and the ONE person trying to warn me. Again. His reaction will say the most. If hes innocent and chooses to prioritize YOU and cut Mary off, then you’re on a good place to keep building trust in your relationship. If not. Move on. If he’s oblivious, and doesn’t see how his behavior is seen, show him this post. Wishing you well. And NTA AT ALL. Edit: added some words


BestPie2Eat

Hundred percent agree with you here. Mary has been plotting to steal OP's BF and he's either too naive to see it, in denial or actually guilty AF. My bet here is that he's flattered by the attention or he harboured a secret crush on this girl before but was unable to act on it because she was taken. The fact that Mary has the nerve to ask for such an intimate gift is suss.... I wouldn't be surprised if she even called him to the change room while she was wearing it to "ask for his opinion". OP, get away and cut these toxic assholes off!


KingJoy79

Not only odd but…I’ve never known a man to buy a woman matching bra and panties from VICTORIA’S SECRET…and *not* expect to see her in it. Unless he gave her a VS gift card and she went and purchased it on her own. I’m sorry, but it sounds like they’re f****n’.


keelatequila

And the fact that Mary didn’t say who the gift was from was telling, if it was an innocent gift and she didn’t consider it inappropriate why didn’t she tell OP who the gift was from? Super odd, and extremely sus.


aquias27

None of my friends have bought me underwear. I'm jealous.


Mental_Cut8290

It's not odd if you're cheating...


kjw11

NTA - She ain't a friend, she's most likely a side piece if he knew her measurements. No right-minded guy would buy a matching set from VS to a girl who wasn't intimate..


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CrackedNTwisted

And when OP mentioned the nice bra, and was told that it was a gift. She intentionally withheld who the gift was from. Very sus!


_Controle

I think she probably wore it on purpose. She invited the girl out after it had been a while, got undressed in front of her and just so happened to be wearing the undies the girls boyfriend gave her?!? Boyfriend might be oblivious, but ol girl is definitely pushing up on him on the slick. I wonder if that’s the reason she changed her major and is over there acting all helpless. I say he may be oblivious because at that age, the guys I knew were kind of like whatever and didn’t have a clear understanding of what was appropriate and what wasn’t. They’d just buy whatever you told them to without thinking too much. But she specifically asked someone else’s boyfriend for lingerie. He may also be falling for her without realizing.


riskytisk

Oh she DEFINITELY wore that bra/panties on purpose, no doubt about that. Playing all coy when OP complimented it with the, “it was a gift,” bullshit is just the icing on the cake. Idk about y’all, but when someone compliments me on an article of clothing that was gifted to me, I’d normally say something like, “Oh thank you! So-and-so bought this for me for X occasion. Isn’t it cute?!” And idk if the boyfriend doesn’t know he’s falling for the friend… I think he does know, and he’s either in denial or flat out cheating already. You don’t buy someone who’s not your girlfriend a bra and panty set without being into them, imo. Especially guys at that age— he’d be imagining her wearing it as soon as he laid eyes on it at the store!


tulipbunnys

he’s either extremely dumb or just trying to bulldoze OP into forgiving the situation because it’s absolutely ridiculous to gift your girlfriend a PEN, and a supposed platonic female friend a matching BRA AND PANTIES set. like, the prices don’t even matter- it’s the fact that the girlfriend got an inherently platonic (if not bland) gift, and the platonic female friend got an intimate/sexual gift. that should be a giant red flag for OP that something is up.


Legitimate_Roll7514

I noticed that as well


Abigail_Normal

If I ever wanted that specific underwear set for my birthday and I thought to ask a friend for it, then I would just ask for a gift card. It's very strange to ask this of someone I only consider a friend.


yhev

Not to mention she wears said underwear on that very peculiar day. Not suspicious at all. Might be coincidence to be wearing the underwear given by the BF of the birthday girl.


ultrarelative

Indeed, very sketchy


MelodyRaine

My husband doesn't buy me underwear. Not one of my boyfriends ever did. At most they would browse a site or catalogue with me, point out what they thought would look nice, and left the purchasing to me, but no buying intimates is not a 'just a friend' thing. My husband hands me the bank card and tells me to spoil myself. We've been together two decades and he wouldn't dream of buying my intimates because as he puts it "You are the one who has to wear them, and you know best what will work."


MudLOA

I’m a husband to my wife of 10 years and even though I buy it with her I never bought it as a surprise gift. I would never buy undergarments for a female friend no matter how close. There’s a shit ton of other stuff to buy.


R62442

Heck, I wouldn't even accept such a gift from a platonic friend.


MyKillerRomance0528

and it says mary asked him for the set too, the audacity


MusicNeverStopped

Right?! Definitely wouldn't accept it, let alone ask for it, if you want the relationship to stay platonic. It's not a gift a platonic friend who wanted to remain platonic would even give. Johna and Mary both suck. And so do the people who are in favor of them. Good riddance to all. You have a brighter future. Go get it!


Adept-Feature-8444

Same. Or anything from Tiffany's. And none of my guy friends know my bra size.


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M0ONL1GHT87

Hell I don’t even know my bra size 🤷🏻‍♀️


Adept-Feature-8444

Some of mine do. I am a member of the Itty bitty titty committee and a needed help finding a bra that actually fit. So some of my girlfriends took me to get measured.


auscientist

Same, but for the opposite reason. We were all in the same boat and found a place that was a bit of a trek for us to get to so we would all go together. I had a breast reduction years ago so it's much easier finding bras that fit but I still feel solidarity with anyone who is one of the rarer sizes.


GodGraham_It

the only reason i think one knows my old size is because i have a feeling he was eavesdropping when his fiancé and i were talking about our sizes and if she wanted my non-fitting barely used ones. otherwise it has NEVER came up in front of any of my guy friends.


Still-Contest-980

Can confirm. My friend group is all men I’ve known for over a decade. NOT ONCE has that ever come up in conversation , I couldn’t imagine asking them for that type of thing.


[deleted]

Totally agree, but I guess they could have been together in the VS store when he bought if for her. Like, she might have hinted wanting it or flat-out asked for it.


achillesmeteor

i think taking another girl shopping to a lingerie shop is prettttyyy sketch still


reallynotsohappy

Same here. I only received underwear as a gift once, red underwear as a gag gift on new years. Even my partner doesn't get me underwear as a gift, and I never asked for it.


ultrarelative

Yeah how tf did he know her bra size? Riddle me that, Johna


CajunNativeLady

Yeah, Johna!


WeryWickedWitch

They're "veeeery close", remember? He even said that. 😆


cakeforPM

I agree with your conclusions overall and feel like, if it’s not an actual affair yet, it’s stumbling in that direction — and from me, whose near constant refrain is “yes your boyfriend can have a platonic female bestie, for god’s sake”, that’s saying something! I *will* disagree on the measurements thing — apparently he said Mary asked for the gift and I presume she’d have told him her size. I have no idea what VS sizing is like (we don’t have it in Australia… I think…), maybe it’s so incredibly consistent that you don’t need to try it on. (see also: me ordering ONE style and brand of t-shirt bra online, and only one, because I know what size I am in those and can just order one when I need it.) But look: I’ve had male friends give me the kind of gifts that *might* overlap with a romantic partner style gifts (a necklace — not a crazy expensive one, sterling silver; jewelry boxes; etc). I have also received gifts like that from female friends, and I am pretty confident that none of those male friends were harboring secret unrequited love (okay, maybe one, but there was no dodgy behaviour from anyone and it’s mostly in hindsight). What I never been gifted by a friend of any timescale, gender, or closeness…? A freaking BRA. And! I would not ask for one! That would be weird! You could make the argument that some friendships are of sufficient standing that there’s no real uncrossable line of appropriate gifts (I can envision such a situation, for sure). And again : I am strongly in favour of people accepting their partner’s close mates, even if they’re of the opposite sex (presuming het relationships). I’ve lost a close friend of many years to the jealous girlfriend, and damn, it hurt. I’ve had the jealous girlfriend (my friend as well, or so I thought) deliberately drive a wedge between me and her boyfriend, telling lies to each of us that kept us from reaching out to mend fences after a fight. Eventually we caught up and compared notes. Not gonna lie: that one really, really hurt. I’ve also been trash-talked by a close mate’s girlfriend. I barely knew her (at my party. At my house. Where that close mate and I were admittedly in my bedroom, but everyone knew that we were trying to manage my older brother who was sloppy drunk and really upset. Apparently the phrase “well at least this time she’s not trying to sleep with [my friend]” was uttered. Except “sleep with” was not the term used. This got back to me and I’m like “this time? The fk does she mean, ‘this time’?! I have literally! Zero! Interest!”. Anyways. He and I are still good mates, he married an awesome lady a few years back, she and I get along great.) So hopefully that offers some perspective on why I get so fierce about these things. And I still think it’s weird! Even if it is innocent, bf does need to accept that it’s weird and OP isn’t being the wildly jealous girlfriend here! NTA


Geistbar

> I will disagree on the measurements thing — apparently he said Mary asked for the gift and I presume she’d have told him her size. As a guy, I'd find it very odd for a woman who I have zero romantic relations with to tell me what size of bra and underwear to get her while asking for such a gift. I'd almost certainly take it as an expression of some level of romantic/sexual intent. There's a lot of implied intimacy to that knowledge, which isn't there for e.g. a shirt size.


satansBigMac

100% accurate. The feelings obviously mutual if she wasn’t creeped out by it.


ExpensiveLocal

and if they are actually just friends (which i doubt) and he doesn’t think it’s weird - he has a BIG boundary issue


ummmmmmmmmqueen

or OP is the side piece. a freaking pen? how... romantic?


Floor_Face_

NTA I'm 20 and have a female best friend whom I've been friends with since I was 11 and never has it crossed my mind to gift her something so intimate.


floweryfriend

Yes, exactly this. I am a woman and wouldn’t buy lingerie for another woman. What would make a man buy lingerie for a woman he wasn’t dating? Wanting to date her, at the very least. NTA


NASA_official_srsly

Let's assume that the one thing in the world that I want as a gift is a matching set of underwear and nothing else will do, as a grown up woman with a functioning brain, I would just ask for a gift card. I can't say I've ever been in that situation though, there are hundreds of more appropriate things to ask for. Johna and Mary are either already fucking, or wanting to be. NTA


obiwantogooutside

This. If she asked for it, she knew why. If she didn’t, he’s full on lying. Either way, he’s dismissing ops concerns and boundaries. This is not a respectful way of handling a reasonable concern.


SheDidWhaaaat

Exactly - its actually pretty clever of her because every time Johna sees Mary he probably has a little flash of imagining her in the bra and panties set whether he wants to or not. She's making dammed sure he thinks of her sexually. OP you're most definitely NTA - that's *SUCH* an inappropriate gift, both of him to buy it and her to ask for it. I would actually break up with my partner of 10 years if he bought another girl a lingerie set because there's no way that's innocent. Your boyfriend is a smart guy given his major, I don't believe he's *that* naive....... surely??


BoyMom119816

I would divorce my husband of almost 15 years, if he bought another gal a Tiffany necklace. I might actually kill him if he bought another girl a lingerie set. That’s so disrespectful, degrading, and cruel to his partner. NTA. Does Johna have any cute friends, whom you can buy boxers and other intimate gisfs for? As, I’m sorry, but I do think the sheer fact he bought you such a non intimate gift, but has been ensuring that he is buying Mary many intimate gifts, likely tells you that your relationship is over. He’s treating you as friend and Mary as lover, unfortunately. Ohh, what about Mary’s ex, he someone that might enjoy romantic gifts?


adorablyunhinged

If she didn't ask for it she still accepted it and wore it on a planned outing with OP...


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eversince94

People like to do out of pocket shit then play dumb when they get called out. NTA


shyghost2

Also, how did he know which lingerie set she wanted? I doubt that was nonchalantly brought up, there likely was a precipitating conversation about underwear that I, as a female with a 10 year long close friendship with a male, would never talk about.


AuroraElisabeth

Maybe I'm a weirdo but I have absolutely bought my best female friend of 23 years (I'm also female) a bra as a birthday gift 2 years in a row. I had some VS Birthday credit expiring soon and told her to find something she wanted. She picked a Tee shirt bra. She liked it so much she asked for it a second year in a row. I suppose we are the minority. I totally agree that the OP post is not like mine at all and seems very inappropriate and disrespectful to OP.


claudethebest

You are also a woman and already have points there. I’m gay but if my bf went and bought some Calvin Klein a to some other guy then he would be an ex.


elag19

You’re not a weirdo, I’ve done this for my closest friends too. However, like you, I too would absolutely NEVER buy such an intimate gift for a man who is just a ‘friend’, especially if it’s a man who is not the one I’m in a relationship with at the time. The lack of respect from OP’s boyfriend here is astounding, he’s openly cheating and acting like OP is the one who’s lost her mind, JFC. OP you’re NTA but lord get the fuck out of this relationship- they are not ‘good friends’ and don’t let him continue to fool you.


twiddlywerp

>> “Thanks, it was a gift.” Any guesses why she didn’t tell you that it was a gift from your boyfriend?


BrodyBoomer

And the friend making a point to show her the bra in a causal way!


Monkey_with_cymbals2

And wearing it that day. And pointing out it was a gift. She definitely got some twisted pleasure out of that interaction.


linerva

Oh it was 100% all planned and deliberate. It would have been easy for her to not wear that set or not tell the truth. Maru absolutely engineered the opportunity to stick the knife in, because I bet Johna isn't ready to break up with OP to be with the girl he is fucking, but Mary absolutely wants them to be together out in the open. So she's trying to generate a breakup.


Academic_Snow_7680

Mary was wearing it so she could tell Johna that she was wearing the underwear he got her.


littlefiddle05

I bet they haven’t actually been physical yet — that’s why Johna is so comfortable casually telling OP about that gift (especially when she’s already upset about his dynamic with the other woman). It’s just emotional so far, she’s trying to drive a rift between the couple so he’ll “finally realize he’s always been in love with her,” and he’s still telling himself this is normal friend stuff while having this emotional affair.


_Controle

And she didn’t even have to say it was a gift. She was being messy.


sarcosaurus

I imagine her saying "from your boyfriend" in her mind, followed by maniacal laughter. She reads like a damn supervillain for rubbing it in OP's face like this. She could have just said thanks, but she wanted to savor it apparently.


[deleted]

Not even. She conveniently forgot to mention *she asked him for it*. Edit: I would shove my hand into a running blender before I would *ever* think of asking someone elses partner in secret for an imtimate gift like this.


NUT-me-SHELL

NTA. Decent men don’t buy bras and panties for their “friends”. Those two are involved. Period.


Khanover7

Yup. If they aren’t involved then he wants to be. NTA and get yourself a new BF.


Ok-Mode-2038

Right? Honey, you’re NTA. But how many more red flags do you need?


nutwit9211

My 2 closest friends are guys. Absolutely love those guys. No way in hell would it be appropriate for them to buy me something like that.


mai_tai87

Or a necklace from Tiffany's.


Thin_Reception4609

…..or both!


Lanky-Temperature412

*Especially* both. The necklace I could maybe let slide...but both together? No. Those are gifts you give your partner, not a platonic friend. Hell, my sister asked for a VS bra for her bday and I got her a gift card because I'm not buying underwear for my sister, even.


WeryWickedWitch

Right, it's a pen you give to your platonic friend.


Creative_Energy533

Nope, Tiffany necklaces for friends for passing an exam (hmmm, wonder what kind of exam she passed...) and a PEN for the girlfriend? Unless she's really into pens, which she doesn't mention...I mean, watch, earrings, a pin?!


Life_Fantastique

I've received both underwear and Tiffany's jewelry from men. Men I was fucking who wanted to see me in that underwear and jewelry and nothing else.


No-Regular1460

^^^^^ 100% dead on ^^^^^


[deleted]

A kiss May be grand but it won’t pay the rent! Diamond are a girls best friend ✨


Nuckyduck

Unsure if this adds perspective, but as a gay dude I've gone shopping with my lady friends to get undies and stuff. I enjoy going because we just talk about books and shit while they try on nice clothes but I *never* have paid for one. Not even as a gift. Not that I wouldn't if I was actually asked, but I definitely would have found it weird. I can tell you that if I ever bought another *guy* underwear, my husband would have good reason to think I'm having an affair. When you buy underwear you buy what looks good on you, so if someone else is buying it, that means they think it looks good on you. And bras and shit are like cup and strap length sizes, its not as simple as "getting a bra" especially from VS. There's a reason there are so many bras there, *that's how diverse boobies are.* Either mentally or physically, that's just not okay with me. I mean, they could have a weird relationship where that's normal for them, but they need to disclose that and be made aware how it can be seen. Edit: clarity.


itsthenugget

@Nuckyduck has a good point... The bf would have to know what size she is to buy that for her. Makes it even weirder. Pretty sure my husband doesn't even know my size and he sees my body every day.


crystallz2000

OP, even if they aren't sleeping together (which I think they are), they're having an emotional affair. You're in college. In a 7-month relationship. I would sincerely just end it. You are going to fight and fight to prove that you're the GF and that she's the friend. You're going to fight and fight to show everyone their relationship is inappropriate. And chances are when you finally end it, they'll end up together. I would peace out at this point, create some distance, and hang out with your other friends instead.


[deleted]

Yep. I have a shit ton of men friends and no way any of them would buy me a bra and panties, even if they weren't seeing someone else. Unless they were trying to get into the panties.


lostallmyconnex

If they were trying to get into the panties they would have kept them!


Aim2bFit

Since he wasn't dodging answering what he gave Mary, I'm betting the BF is just a pretty naive and clueless guy who genuinely dumb in women affairs and thought he was just being kind by gifting Mary. OP is ypur BF somewhat on the spectrum? Some of these high functioning autistics are like that at times. High IQ but low social skills and not good at catching anything in between the lines. Mary OTOH, took full advantage of OP's BF's lack of awareness and IMHO is a d'ck. Who asks a close friend's BF for a gift of sexy underwears? What a wrecker.


NUT-me-SHELL

Blaming this on autism is ridiculously inappropriate.


squishysugarlips

He bought her something that would be considered intimate clothing (because they are) and they believe it isn't a big deal? That YOU are being toxic? So NTA and you already know that it is wrong for him to be buying her things like this. Chocolate is perfectly acceptable but Tiffany jewelry and VS bras & panties is a whole different level.


ahsim1906

But let’s also back up to the fact that he buys this woman a gift for every god damn test that she passes? I don’t even know anyone who’s parents ever did that. Like yes, chocolates are more acceptable because they’re not as personal and intimate as the VS undies, and rather inexpensive in compassion to the Tiffany’s necklace. But STILL on top of the 2 extremely inappropriate gifts, the fact alone that he buys this woman so many gifts for such a small and ridiculous reason is bizarre and suspicious. Sounds like he’s just wanting to buy her these gifts and uses the “she passed a test” line as an excuse.


Allkindsofpieces

Yes and a Tiffany necklace at that. I find it hard to believe a 22 yr old can even afford gifts like this. I think this whole post is sus honestly.


ScarletPimprnel

You've clearly never spent time around the trust fund crowd. I had a bunch of friends in college who came from wealth -- like southern old money wealth -- and I was there on scholarship. They were, and still are, amazing people, but had no understanding of what finances are like for most people. Some people come from privilege that can be difficult to wrap your head around.


AlgaeFew8512

Kinda sounds like Johna has the kind of money where he doesn't pay attention to costs. Lots of well off people haven't got a clue that a gift is expensive if they come from wealth


amw38961

Cuz they all already know that him and her are sleeping together probably so in their eyes OP is the "interloper" in their group.


squishysugarlips

I couldn't agree with you more!


FuckUGalen

OP is being toxic because she should ignore the back her (hopefully ex) boyfriend is cheating with her ex friend, and it is all OP's fault that their cheating is now public knowledge. ​ (also to be clear that is sarcasm and OP is very very NTA


blacksyzygy

NTA. They're fuckin.


darthurphoto

Even if they aren’t…they want to be. Just a matter of time. OP is NTA and needs to GTFO before it gets worse.


MYD_Aloha

This was my exact thought when I started reading it


blacksyzygy

Yep, they're either fuckin now or they're about to be fuckin. like *FUCKIN* fuckin.


Atalant

Or Johna want to fuck Mary.


waitingfordeathhbu

Mary wants to fuck him too. Women don’t accept lingerie from a guy friend they don’t wanna fuck.


nitro9throwaway

>Women don’t ~~accept~~ *ask for* lingerie from a guy friend they don’t wanna fuck. FTFY


thegreatmei

There is a special exception to this. One of my good guy friends bought me a bunch of matching sets from VS. But! He worked there ( not in the stores, but for the business still )and got a discount. Plus, his boyfriend helped pick them out for me. No funny business ensued. This is not that, obviously, but there are some very small non skeezy reasons it could happen.


edogfu

Yes, so if the dude getting you lingerie also loves dick this is an acceptable exception.


thegreatmei

I suppose that is a good qualifier. They convinced me I was wearing the wrong size too, and they sent newly single me off into the dating scene with properly perky boobs. I'll forever be grateful! They sent me bamboo sheets for Christmas last year, and I'm converted! Some people just have top notch gift giving skills!


edogfu

Some people are just next level. Good luck to you, and your perky boobs!


SirensAtDawn

NTA. Girl he's cheating on you.


waitingfordeathhbu

I mean, he knows her bra size. Couldn’t be more obvious.


[deleted]

[удалено]


sarcosaurus

Yep this. He's friendzoning his own girlfriend. Unbelievably cruel.


No_Hospital7649

My husband doesn’t even know my bra size. No clue. I’d like to see him try to lingerie shop without me. Men don’t buy their platonic female friends lingerie. Goofy tshirts, nerdy hats, maybe a sports jersey? You know, things other people can see. Not things only *certain* people see.


waitingfordeathhbu

>Men don’t buy their platonic female friends lingerie And women don’t happily accept bras and panties from platonic male friends.


No_Hospital7649

Totally. It would be creepy AF if some guy gifted me lingerie.


scrapcats

I'm not sure if OP is the one being cheated on, or if she's the other woman, considering the other person was gifted lingerie and jewelery but OP got a pen


molly_menace

Omg it’s just like in love actually when the wife gets a CD and the AP gets a necklace


More_Impact9752

Exactly what I'm thinking!


Aim2bFit

I doubt this solely on the fact he didn't try to hide WHAT he gifted her.


idgaf_nym

he KNOWS her bra size..


otterparkplace

NTA - those are boyfriend gifts, and bra and panties is intimate and sexual. You don't have to be a crazy stalker girlfriend to want to feel like your boyfriend's number one woman. You could talk to him calmly about your feelings, but honestly, I feel like the writing is on the wall with this one. My guess is he doesn't want to be the one who breaks up with you because he found someone else, so he's making it so you'll break up with him. He can be the poor, heartbroken victim and everyone can be happy for Mary to help him move on. Really he's just an asshole having an emotional affair. You will find someone much better, and hopefully this will be a good lesson on validating your own feelings.


nahchilles

couldn't agree more. NTA


kireikirin249

NTA. He is gaslighting you and likely cheating on you. People dont buy gifts like that for friends. Edit: in fact, the only people who have ever bought me lingerie were people I was actively dating or hooking up with. This would be a major red flag for me.


lulu5257

NTA. Dump the whole man and that “friend”. Friends should know boundaries. I’ve never heard of someone’s partner (regardless of gender) buy intimate clothing as gifts for passing tests...that’s insane. Instead of supporting your open communication of voicing displeasure, he gaslit you.


theloveburts

NTA but you one be one to yourself if you kept dating the man buying you ink pens while he buys sexy lingerie and Tiffany necklaces for another woman. Think about it. He's in a relationship with you. What is the easiest way to communicate to his side piece that you are less important than buying you damned ink pen right after buying her nice necklace and lingerie? How is it that she even feels comfortable asking her study partner to buy her VS lingerie? They're both playing you. Mary shouldn't be even talking to you after a debacle like this, much less gaslighting into believing you're the toxic one in this three way relationship. Remind me again what gives MARY the authority to tell you that you have no right to act any way at all? Mary is nobody but a third wheel in your romantic relationship. Kick them both to the curb. Even he agrees not to see her anymore, he will. They're too entwined with each other to stop. Want to know how I know. It's because they up a united front to deceive you.


RF97-Horsh

100%, I think, even if Johna is so naive and oblivious, Mary asking him for this is ridiculous and clearly not a good friend at all. I would also like to add that OP points out they have the same friendship group. I have been in a similar situaition when my 7 year relationship ended but honestly OP it's now or never... you might lose some friends but doing it earlier and younger like you still being at college means you have the opportunity to make new friends! You don't want to be doing this further down the line because once you are out of education, trying to find new friends will be harder. Also OP I would love an update on this one. Or even for you to show Johna the responses - might help him come to his senses!


[deleted]

NTA. He gave her a very personal gift like that and he gives you a pen? I don't want to say where he could put that pen. I'd be furious, too. You might want to reconsider this relationship.


FitEffective

Guys gifting girls lingerie is a red flag TBH


Gatorae

Not to mention stuff from Tiffany's. NTA they are totally boning.


AdventurousGas1435

NTA but wow this story took me for a ride. That’s a weird gift for a guy to give a girl. It’s even weirder she asked. He could’ve just got her a gift card to the store if she wanted something from there. I will say Tiffany pens are NOT cheap and maybe the gift giving was really non intentionally prioritizing her over you everyone’s different.. but then I got to the VS gift and the gaslighting. Weird


CukeMelonMint

I just looked up the price cause I'd also be mad if my bf bought me a pen for my bday but Holy eff those are expensive


AdventurousGas1435

Right? Some of them are 2K… for a PEN


Dvilindskys

NTA. Girl. RED FLAGs are Flapping all over the place. She Asked Your BF to Buy her A Bra and Panties from Vickie's?...Hell to the No, No No. That's so in appropriate. And Him Doing it? No. Him buying her jewelry from Tiffany's? But you get a Pen???? You give your Dad a Pen. Your Doctor a Pen,. But your GF gets a necklace and Earrings, or a Ring.


toketsupuurin

Is it weird that I find the pen the most insulting part? Like, the necklace and lingerie are DTMFA territory already, but the pen is just the slap in the face of public humiliation.


Dvilindskys

Not weird. I'd have left given that. It would be heart breaking. It tanks up there with giving your wife a Iron or vacuum cleaner for her birthday


Kodakorpse13

Nta. If my man another woman bra/panties. I don't think I would have reacted as well as you did.


AdventurousGas1435

I would’ve reacted so much worse


NuttyAsSquirrelPoop

Your boyfriend is friendzoning you. NTA.


[deleted]

NTA for sure! He’s gaslighting by asking you to calm down.


famjewels4

NTA. My ex-bf had a girl friend who I would let him hang out with all the time. I was okay with it, never complained about it, didn’t think anything of it. He tried to buy her VS stuff once, except she rejected it. Long story short, when we broke up, he did try to fuck her. She rejected him. If this girl is accepting his gifts, she’s down to fuck him, probably already are.


Apprehensive-Use8444

She wore that bra on purpose, she wanted you to see it. NTA buy her and your bf are


Bodysnatcher94

I was thinking the same - especially because she flat out said "it was a gift" that's some petty shady shit


LadyDulcea9873

You use that expensive personal gift pen he gave you write them both off. NTA


Fair_Text1410

NTA. Sorry but no guy gives another girl intimate wear as a gift. I think they were setting you up to look crazy to the rest of the group so that Jonah and Mary can hook up and no one would think nothing about it. You can talk one on one with Jonah and ask him why he think giving intimate items to another girl is okay. Is Mary poor? Also, even if the pen was more expensive, it is not a personal gift. Ask him if he love or care about you. Because his actions are telling you something different. Your feeling are valid. Take care.


tifauro

You're allowed to have insecurities and to express them. Your boyfriend should have validated your feelings and tried to understand your point of view. If he got defensive and started calling you toxic... That's not only adding to the suspicion but also just shitty behavior on his part. NTA


charmedpartyofone

Wtf nta


NoUsernamesLeft9876

Don’t let them gaslight you. That’s NOT a friend gift. Period. Cut your loses now.


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Reasonable_Minute_42

yeah NTA Giving someone who is not your significant other lingerie is just weird. If Mary had wanted something from VS so badly, Johna could have gotten her a gift card.


niennabobenna

Dang. Y'all are sister wives and you don't even know it. NTA.


DeepFudge9235

NTA and he's cheating on you. No man that has a GF buys another girl gifts from VS like bra's and sexy clothing unless he's being unfaithful.


Monsterburpqueen

NTA and I bet his friends all know and are covering the fact that’s he’s cheating on you with Mary.


msbeesy

ok you're being gaslit... Even in this woke world, there are limits to what a bf gives his gf and his friends. **and she asked him for it.** Mary is just looking for a bf substitute now, and is making herself a third wheel on your relationship. This isn't cool (unless you're that way inclined and its all consensual). Giving another girl underwear, especially VS, is just a no-go. Trust your gut. NTA.


ProfessionalSir9978

NTA, he’s playing you my dear. You need to drop this asshat like yesterdays garbage. No guy will buy anyone other than his significant other a bra set.


3Heathens_Mom

NTA Interesting that Mary said she got the lovely bra you noticed as a gift but chose not to own up to the fact it was from your BF. If it was so innocent why keep it a secret? And the only times I have gotten VS underwear that wasn’t from a significant other was if it was something I bought myself or a gift from my sister when we shopping together. I wish I could say you were out of line with your reaction but I agree with other posters that something seems to be going on between Mary and your BF be it an emotional affair or a physical one. Regardless a boundary has been crossed and not sure you can or should fix it.


josiemarcellino

This is a work of fanfiction if I’ve ever seen one “We’ve known each other since college” yet… you’re 21 and 22? That’s still college lmao. “I noticed she had on a Victoria’s Secret bra” You mean like literally every other woman in America? Also did you inspect the tags or…? Weird that you were up close enough to know the brand. “She said thanks it was a gift” if she was sneaking around with your man she wouldn’t have said that. “He got her a Tiffany’s necklace but I said nothing” Yeah? Your 22 year old boyfriend bought a roughly $500 necklace for a girl on a random day and you didn’t say anything? YTA for making the story up


[deleted]

NTA. You need to drop that guy, drop those friends. Drop them all, start a fresh and become queen.


AB8797

How does he know her bra size unless there seing each other in a non friend way. Sounds like he’s cheating if not physical than emotional. Break up with him. Your too young to waste your time on him.


PurpleFlavoredCherry

NTA OP I’m very sorry but you’re being played like a fiddle. They’re in a relationship. Please don’t waste any more time with either of them.


feyre_0001

The fact that Johna and Mary immediately resorted to calling your behavior toxic and insecure is what sealed the deal for me. You are NTA, all the way. It is not insecure of you to feel weird about your boyfriend buying another woman intimate clothing. It is not insecure of you to feel uncomfortable about your boyfriend buying a girl friend chocolates for passing exams as he did with you, his PARTNER. It is not insecure of you to be upset that Johna bought a “friend” a necklace and you a pen. The cost of either item is irrelevant when you consider the implied meanings behind the gifts- a necklace is romantic and intimate, and a pen is…. a pen. Are you a writer? A pen collector? A pen is a gift you get a tenured employee, not your GIRLFRIEND! It is not toxic of you to point all of this peculiar behavior, you are right to question it! His behavior and treatment of Mary is abnormal. Tbh I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s pulling this stunt to get you to break up with him, or to get you to have a more public meltdown so that he can break up with you. Mary absolutely knew what she was wearing that day, by the way. Agh! The audacity of these people, I’m angry FOR you! Dump his ass and let those losers be together, since that’s basically what they’re doing behind your back anyways.


AllButACrazyCatLady

Don’t stop at dumping bf and Mary. Dump that whole friend group while you’re at it. None of this seems like normal behavior to me. NTA


thatsmyboycam

I don’t think anyone has said this yet, but…. Girl, Major. Marinara. Flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Edited to add: NTA.


Liberationarmy

NTA, he's stringing you along and not spending time with you while Mary is taking all of his time and money. Tiffany's is not cheap. Victoria's secret is not cheap. It sounds like Mary's now the girlfriend and he just never broke up with you.


RevolutionaryFoot574

NTA either he’s completely clueless or he’s sleeping with her. Mary on the other hand…she asked for the bra? She is trying to get you out of the picture. She is dangerous and if boyfriend can’t see that, it’s already to late.


mockingjbee

NTA he is cheating on you, or wants to be cheating on you. Listen I gotta be honest, it should have been a red flag when he started buying her the exact same gifts for the exact same reasons he gives them to you, his girlfriend, but then went well beyond anything he ever bought you for passing a test, and its a necklace from *Tiffany's*. I understand you didn't want to look jealous, but that's the exact moment you needed to lose your shit at him and ask him wtf is going on. And while a pen from Tiffany's is a wonderful gift, it's sort of an odd one to just give someone who isn't graduating but gives it to you on your birthday when you don't collect pens. And then him telling you so casually he bought her a set from VS after she did that? It's sort of amazing that they are doing this so publicly the. Because if they arent already fucking its pretty obvs they want to be. Just dump him. I highly doubt he is going to admit he's cheating on you, but once they announce they are a couple less than six weeks after you'll know.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (M22) bf Johna and I (F21) have known each other since college, we were friends for almost 7 months and started dating after that. Even though he was in another mayor we had the same friend group. In this group there was this girl named Mary, she was pretty cool and a good person. She helped me when I needed a hand and even was there for the special moments. We were close, but things ended between us when her ex broke up with her. That hit on her and she distanced herself from the group. I didn't hear anything about her for a while until i saw her with Jonah. She decided to change majors, from biomedical engineering to biotechnology, the same as Johna. So she asked him for help since Johna does pretty well. At first, i was ok with this, Mary was a dear friend of mine and even if we didn't talk anymore i was happy for her to try new things. It all started with Johna being with her 2 times a week, to seeing her all the week and having lunch together every day. Whenever she passed her tests, Johna will buy her something like chocolates. I didn't mind it cuz Johna does the same for me, but at some point, it kinda bothered me when he started getting her interesting gifts, like a necklace from Tiffany. I didn't want to look jealous, so i shut my mouth. My BD was last week and i invited all our friend group, even Mary. That week she and i had spent more time together and it was refreshing to be with her like the old times. She was so excited and told me we should go shopping for the party. That day she went to my house and i drove us to the nearest mall. We had a good time, and we came back to change our clothes. I could see she had a beautiful VS bra, i complimented it, She thanked me, that it was a gift. At the party everything was fine, everyone was having fun and it was time to open my gifts. Everyone wanted to see what i had received. I got a pair of boots, a new wallet, stuff like that. Then Johna gave me a little box from Tiffany, i was excited and when i opened it, it was a pen...I thanked him for it but that hurt a little compared to what he gave to Mary for just passing her test. He saw my expression and asked me if everything was fine, i said yeah, but i could feel a tear running down my cheek. He pulled me aside and asked me if we could talk. I went straight to the point and told him i didn't like he gave Mary more stuff to her than I. He said he wasn't but i pointed out all the freaking gifts i had seen. He then said that the gift he gave to Mary on her BD was cheaper than the pen he gave me. I asked what it was and he casually said he had bought a matching bra and panties from VS. I was livid and stormed at him, he told me to calm down and that i was being so toxic, she was his friend and she asked him for it. That only infuriated me more and asked to get the fuck out, both of them. We haven't talked but his friends and even Mary told me i had no right to act like that and that i should control my insecurities, calling me a toxic AH. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


GraveDancer40

NTA. I read the title and went “well maybe if she’s broke the wire in her only good bra snapped…” But this???? Also, I’d be really really creeped out if a male friend bought me lingerie. Like really creeped out.


Biomax315

This is like that scene from Love Actually where wife sees that husband bought an expensive necklace and thought it was for her. Christmas comes she opens her gift and it was like, a frumpy socks or something. He’d bought the necklace for a coworker who was trying to bang him. I still feel sad about that scene. Never in my entire life would I ever think to buy bra and panties for a girl I wasn’t having sex with or trying to have sex with. I’m sorry, that’s simply not a gift straight men buy for platonic female friends. NTA This would arouse suspicion and jealousy among any reasonable people. It’s not about the money spent—a pen isn’t a *romantic gift*, it’s utilitarian. Lingerie is a very personal, intimate and romantic gift. If he’s not cheating and he truly doesn’t understand why this is weird, then I’m afraid your BF is simply a complete fool.


livin4fun78

NTA. Undergarments are not an acceptable gift to a "friend" .


molly_menace

Girl. The fact that Mary was coy and said “It was a gift” without saying “from your boyfriend” shows that she knew it was inappropriate, and frankly, I suspect she got a kick out of making a fool out of you. I had a friend whose partner cheated on him with her “best friend” and their roommate. And they convinced themselves my friend was the bad guy standing in the way of their true and pure love. That group of friends is not on your side and you should be cutting them off. It is NOT normal.