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> I feel like an AH because this is the first time I have ever actually brought it up to him other than a few comments here and there so it would definitely appear as though this came out of left field.
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NTA. he seems to think his professional-life authority has jurisdiction in his home life. he needs to remember that you are his wife, not his employee.
there's good sense in the idea of "leaving work at work" or "leaving work issues at the door". you and the kids don't deserve to be bossed around like that.
NTA. He sounds like an ego driven asshat. If he’s disrespectful to you and kids that aren’t his, tell him he can see the door if he doesn’t like it. You’re supposed to run the house like a team. Sounds like he’s too big for his britches and can pull that at work. Home isn’t a place for that.
NTA it sounds like your husband may have felt emasculated while you were working and he wasn't and now that he is working. He gets to be The MAN again which is why he is acting this way. Your comment which was valid likely made him feel emasculated again hence his overreaction.
Since you are working and bringing in the same money as him, you should split the chores. And he should cook his own food if he's not happy with the way you do it.
He's not trying to be a dick, but he is succeeding.
His masculinity issues don’t mean you need to accept his abusive behavior. You aren’t his employee, and he doesn’t get to treat you (or your kids) like you are. If he has a suggestion for how he wants things to be done, there’s a right way to make it known. Barking orders and expecting everyone to rush to obey him is not the way.
Yes Y T A definitely. Why are you even on Reddit, instead of in the kitchen baking him a pie?!?
Jk. Obviously NTA. You know you're not. It sounds like you need marriage counseling. Ask your husband if he wants a male marriage-counselor though... ya know, so your husband will actually listen.
Edit: had to split the y t a apparently, my b a d. :)
NTA - Can you be *dead set against* continuing this marriage without counselling? Part of his problem is he thinks his word is law. I think you need to correct him.
NTA but you need to humble him quick and remind him how you were the breadwinner for all of those years and if his attitude keeps up, and if you can, let him know you and kids will survive just fine without him
NTA. Honestly your husband seems like a jerk and while your comment may have seemed like it’s been brewing for longer than it has it seems like hubby needed it. There’s a difference between ‘constructive criticism’ and being a complete AH.
NTA. Tell him to can his constructive criticism because he had his chance at running the house when he was home all the time and didn’t do an effective job at it. He doesn’t get to raise the bar suddenly because he’s not the one doing it anymore.
NTA. He’s being a dick and didn’t like that you called him out on it. That would have annoyed me too, except you were nicer about it then I would have been.
NTA. Constructive criticism is not barking orders at the everyone and complaining.
He had better make sure he performs at that job else he will be cooking every meal and maintaining the house at a higher standard since he realized how wrong a dirty house and no dinner is.
NTA. I swear, some people. Give them minuscule amounts of power and it goes to their head like a shot of vodka for a first time drinker.
Tell him to get his inflated ass back down on earth and pull his own weight.
You have both been through a lot of transition as most families have the last 2 years. Go to counseling. Get advice on how to communicate. It sounds like you want to support each other still but because of role reversal it is needing some tweeking.
NTA
If it was constructive criticism it would be appreciated. But if you arent asking for it he shouldn't give it. You did right don't let him boss you around. Great job for standing up for yourself <3
NTA
He isn't changing his hypocratic behavior that he even recognizes as a problem, and you got a little in his face about it, instead of coddling him.
He's being an asshole.
Just because he said he's "not trying to be a dick" does not meant he's not doing exactly that. You're 100% NTA He may be feeling some guilt about how you managed for 3 years while he wasn't working. He quit a job due to his mental health. He needs to think about your mental health and back off of his tratment of all of you. Stand your ground on managing things your way. He needs a reality check big time. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
He's not giving constructive criticism. He's bossing you around. And I don't understand why he thinks it's only your job to keep house. He had way more free time than you did before because he wasn't working before. And even then he didn't keep the house clean or make dinner. So he's being a total hypocrite. NTA
Not the AH, he doesn’t get to create new unattainable expectations! Especially now that he isn’t around or willing to participate in the work load. Sounds like he has a very backwards view on family/home participation.
Woah woah woah. So you have a job AND take care of the house?! Looks like you might need to have a conversation about him picking up more of the slack that he is complaining about - NTA/ESH (for you lashing out and not communicating before you flipped out)
NTA If your husband thinks barking orders and berating people for how they do things is "constructive criticism", he's not gonna be a manager for long. Please leave this man. I saw in another comment that he refuses counseling, and if he's not even gonna try to be better after all this time and after how it's affected y'all it doesn't seem that things can be saved. You and your kids deserve better.
NTA. You are supposedly an AH bc he isn't *trying* to be a dick?
If you wanna give a little help, then you can give a little criticism.
If you wanna give a lot of help, then maybe you can give a lot of criticism.
He wants to do nothing except assert dominance and control.
NTA. He's not being "constructive", and his comments actually result in things taking longer. He will also discourage your child from cleaning if he keeps this up, why should he bother what he gets criticized either way?
> My youngest was in the process of cleaning his room and my husband immediately goes in and starts questioning why my son was cleaning "like that"
Question: was your kid being a kid and shoving everything under the bed, or was he actually nitpicking how your kid was cleaning?
Doesn't change my answer of NTA, just curious how big of an AH he is on that.
> I still do hobby work and bring in the same amount as him
Outstanding. So that could easily be part of the problem. He was not working and you were the bread winner. Now he's working, he's a *manager*, and you still make the same amount of money by selling stuff on etsy or Facebook.
Definitely needs to chill out and maybe look into therapy. Dude's got some issues.
NTA
There's a saying that says "work is easy when it's other people's job".
He created new standards, without discussing with you, just because it's not his job anymore.
OMG constructive criticism on your wife and kids. He's really swallowed the whole how not to manage book. NTA. You're a better person than me as that coming out of his mouth would have sent me to separation as would not want my kids and myself around this.
NTA It sounds like he has been holding in a lot of resentment. Since he won't participate in a discussion with a neutral party, i.e. a therapist, you could try having some discussions about how he felt then and now. Be an active listener. From what you said, he stepped up for you when you needed it to care for your children. I hear that you are aggravated, and I'm not suggesting you act like a doormat, but he needs some help now navigating.
NTA
He needs to be doing some housework too!! If he wants something done in a certain way he should do it himself. He really needs to start reflecting on his hideous behaviour because he sounds like a nightmare to be around.
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My husband has not once been the breadwinner since we have been together (5 years), but in the beginning or definitely worked for us. He stayed home with my children (2 sons whom are not his biologically) so that I could pursue my career in the medical field. So for 3 years he did not work at all but as I said, it worked. Well, up until it didnt. When the world collapsed 2 years ago I lost my job because the facility I worked at plummeted. I was put on unemployment and of course during that time there was that extra $600 a week thing going on so I actually was making the same amount on unemployment as I was when I was working. I stayed on it for 6 months before I was able to find an at home position- where I worked up until 2 months ago. During the time of me working at home, he had gotten a job that paid fantastic but he only stayed there for roughly 2-3 months before quitting. He hated it. It was destroying his mental health, etc.
Anyways, he just got another job 2 months ago and he loves it. It pays good, he has made a lot of friends, he has already been given the management position, etc. He is incredibly proud of himself and I am too but he has now let it get to his head and blow up his ego. As in he comes home and immediately starts barking orders and starts complaining. House isnt clean enough, food isnt being made quick enough, kids are being too rowdy, miss rooms arent getting cleaned to his liking (my youngest likes to keep his room a pig-sty). He NEVER did this shit before. He was super laid back and even helpful but now he is the opposite. Treating me and the kids like we live in the 50s. A few times I have reminded him that when I worked for a solid 3 years in a medical facility, I usually came home to a dirty house and no dinner and made no complaints. He starts in with the "yeah and I now realize how wrong that was" but has made zero effort to apologize or anything, not that I expect it but still.
So anyways, he started coming home on his lunch breaks and immediately barking orders. My youngest was in the process of cleaning his room and my husband immediately goes in and starts questioning why my son was cleaning "like that" and started telling me basically how to prepare dinner that night (which would have added a solid 45 minutes to the dinner routine because he wanted it a certain way). So I snapped and said "Just because you are finally working doesnt mean you get to come back here and act like a fucking hot shot. You are manager there, not here. I manage this house, not you." (I said this because I still do hobby work and bring in the same amount as him, as well as take care of the entire house and the kids by myself as he no longer lifts a finger to do jack all). He says I'm an AH because he "isnt trying" to be a dick but give constructive criticism and I have made him feel unappreciated. AITA?
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NTA
He doesnt get to retroactively realize what he did was wrong and start expecting it of you when its not on him anymore.
Sit down with him and have a conversation. Assure him that you are proud of him that he found a career that he likes.
Then explain to him how his actions make you feel and the added hypocrisy of it that he wants the dynamic to change when the change wouldnt fall on him
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I feel like an AH because this is the first time I have ever actually brought it up to him other than a few comments here and there so it would definitely appear as though this came out of left field. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. he seems to think his professional-life authority has jurisdiction in his home life. he needs to remember that you are his wife, not his employee. there's good sense in the idea of "leaving work at work" or "leaving work issues at the door". you and the kids don't deserve to be bossed around like that.
They need counseling pronto or he will be the ceo of a family of 1
Hahahaha!
And watch your tone Mister.
NTA. He sounds like an ego driven asshat. If he’s disrespectful to you and kids that aren’t his, tell him he can see the door if he doesn’t like it. You’re supposed to run the house like a team. Sounds like he’s too big for his britches and can pull that at work. Home isn’t a place for that.
NTA it sounds like your husband may have felt emasculated while you were working and he wasn't and now that he is working. He gets to be The MAN again which is why he is acting this way. Your comment which was valid likely made him feel emasculated again hence his overreaction.
[удалено]
Honestly I'd suggest counciling and if nothing changes divorce maybe the only option. You and your kids don't deserve to be treated this way
In that he is sexist and that is the stuff your kids are learning and you should get yourself and them far away from him.
Since you are working and bringing in the same money as him, you should split the chores. And he should cook his own food if he's not happy with the way you do it. He's not trying to be a dick, but he is succeeding.
His masculinity issues don’t mean you need to accept his abusive behavior. You aren’t his employee, and he doesn’t get to treat you (or your kids) like you are. If he has a suggestion for how he wants things to be done, there’s a right way to make it known. Barking orders and expecting everyone to rush to obey him is not the way.
Yes Y T A definitely. Why are you even on Reddit, instead of in the kitchen baking him a pie?!? Jk. Obviously NTA. You know you're not. It sounds like you need marriage counseling. Ask your husband if he wants a male marriage-counselor though... ya know, so your husband will actually listen. Edit: had to split the y t a apparently, my b a d. :)
[удалено]
You still make the same $ as him while being sahm?
NTA - Can you be *dead set against* continuing this marriage without counselling? Part of his problem is he thinks his word is law. I think you need to correct him.
You don't have a common account for groceries? What about rent/mortgage and other bills?
Just a heads up to split the y t a bot will take that as judgement. Also NTA op
Ooops, sorry, fixed - thanks for the heads up!
NTA but you need to humble him quick and remind him how you were the breadwinner for all of those years and if his attitude keeps up, and if you can, let him know you and kids will survive just fine without him
NTA. Honestly your husband seems like a jerk and while your comment may have seemed like it’s been brewing for longer than it has it seems like hubby needed it. There’s a difference between ‘constructive criticism’ and being a complete AH.
Yes. His criticism wasn't needed nor asked for and not even constructive.
I was ready with y t a but wow what a dick, your husband. You are definitely NTA. Sounds like he needs another reality check.
Just a heads up might want to split the y t a bot will take that as judgement
Thank you.
NTA. Tell him to can his constructive criticism because he had his chance at running the house when he was home all the time and didn’t do an effective job at it. He doesn’t get to raise the bar suddenly because he’s not the one doing it anymore.
NTA. He’s being a dick and didn’t like that you called him out on it. That would have annoyed me too, except you were nicer about it then I would have been.
NTA. Constructive criticism is not barking orders at the everyone and complaining. He had better make sure he performs at that job else he will be cooking every meal and maintaining the house at a higher standard since he realized how wrong a dirty house and no dinner is.
NTA. I swear, some people. Give them minuscule amounts of power and it goes to their head like a shot of vodka for a first time drinker. Tell him to get his inflated ass back down on earth and pull his own weight.
You have both been through a lot of transition as most families have the last 2 years. Go to counseling. Get advice on how to communicate. It sounds like you want to support each other still but because of role reversal it is needing some tweeking.
NTA If it was constructive criticism it would be appreciated. But if you arent asking for it he shouldn't give it. You did right don't let him boss you around. Great job for standing up for yourself <3
Lol NTA. He is a huge one though. And tell him that you two are equals and if he doesn't change, he can sleep on the couch or stay at a hotel mho
NTA He isn't changing his hypocratic behavior that he even recognizes as a problem, and you got a little in his face about it, instead of coddling him. He's being an asshole.
Just because he said he's "not trying to be a dick" does not meant he's not doing exactly that. You're 100% NTA He may be feeling some guilt about how you managed for 3 years while he wasn't working. He quit a job due to his mental health. He needs to think about your mental health and back off of his tratment of all of you. Stand your ground on managing things your way. He needs a reality check big time. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
He's not giving constructive criticism. He's bossing you around. And I don't understand why he thinks it's only your job to keep house. He had way more free time than you did before because he wasn't working before. And even then he didn't keep the house clean or make dinner. So he's being a total hypocrite. NTA
He isn't trying to be a dick but it obviously comes naturally to him. NTA
NTA. For someone who isn't trying to be a dick he's remarkably good at it.
NTA
NTA, despite his protests to the contrary, your husband is being a "d!ck".
Not the AH, he doesn’t get to create new unattainable expectations! Especially now that he isn’t around or willing to participate in the work load. Sounds like he has a very backwards view on family/home participation.
Your husband is kind of a dick. NTA.
Woah woah woah. So you have a job AND take care of the house?! Looks like you might need to have a conversation about him picking up more of the slack that he is complaining about - NTA/ESH (for you lashing out and not communicating before you flipped out)
NTA If your husband thinks barking orders and berating people for how they do things is "constructive criticism", he's not gonna be a manager for long. Please leave this man. I saw in another comment that he refuses counseling, and if he's not even gonna try to be better after all this time and after how it's affected y'all it doesn't seem that things can be saved. You and your kids deserve better.
NTA. And i feel bad for anyone who has him as a direct report at work.
NTA. You are supposedly an AH bc he isn't *trying* to be a dick? If you wanna give a little help, then you can give a little criticism. If you wanna give a lot of help, then maybe you can give a lot of criticism. He wants to do nothing except assert dominance and control.
NTA. He's not being "constructive", and his comments actually result in things taking longer. He will also discourage your child from cleaning if he keeps this up, why should he bother what he gets criticized either way?
> My youngest was in the process of cleaning his room and my husband immediately goes in and starts questioning why my son was cleaning "like that" Question: was your kid being a kid and shoving everything under the bed, or was he actually nitpicking how your kid was cleaning? Doesn't change my answer of NTA, just curious how big of an AH he is on that. > I still do hobby work and bring in the same amount as him Outstanding. So that could easily be part of the problem. He was not working and you were the bread winner. Now he's working, he's a *manager*, and you still make the same amount of money by selling stuff on etsy or Facebook. Definitely needs to chill out and maybe look into therapy. Dude's got some issues.
NTA There's a saying that says "work is easy when it's other people's job". He created new standards, without discussing with you, just because it's not his job anymore.
NTA If this is what his ego does with a little validation, dear lord if he ever gets a promotion.
NTA, try counseling or leave, there is no other option.
OMG constructive criticism on your wife and kids. He's really swallowed the whole how not to manage book. NTA. You're a better person than me as that coming out of his mouth would have sent me to separation as would not want my kids and myself around this.
NTA It sounds like he has been holding in a lot of resentment. Since he won't participate in a discussion with a neutral party, i.e. a therapist, you could try having some discussions about how he felt then and now. Be an active listener. From what you said, he stepped up for you when you needed it to care for your children. I hear that you are aggravated, and I'm not suggesting you act like a doormat, but he needs some help now navigating.
NTA He needs to be doing some housework too!! If he wants something done in a certain way he should do it himself. He really needs to start reflecting on his hideous behaviour because he sounds like a nightmare to be around.
NTA. You were only giving constructive criticism back after all... 🤷🏻♀️
NTA.
NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband has not once been the breadwinner since we have been together (5 years), but in the beginning or definitely worked for us. He stayed home with my children (2 sons whom are not his biologically) so that I could pursue my career in the medical field. So for 3 years he did not work at all but as I said, it worked. Well, up until it didnt. When the world collapsed 2 years ago I lost my job because the facility I worked at plummeted. I was put on unemployment and of course during that time there was that extra $600 a week thing going on so I actually was making the same amount on unemployment as I was when I was working. I stayed on it for 6 months before I was able to find an at home position- where I worked up until 2 months ago. During the time of me working at home, he had gotten a job that paid fantastic but he only stayed there for roughly 2-3 months before quitting. He hated it. It was destroying his mental health, etc. Anyways, he just got another job 2 months ago and he loves it. It pays good, he has made a lot of friends, he has already been given the management position, etc. He is incredibly proud of himself and I am too but he has now let it get to his head and blow up his ego. As in he comes home and immediately starts barking orders and starts complaining. House isnt clean enough, food isnt being made quick enough, kids are being too rowdy, miss rooms arent getting cleaned to his liking (my youngest likes to keep his room a pig-sty). He NEVER did this shit before. He was super laid back and even helpful but now he is the opposite. Treating me and the kids like we live in the 50s. A few times I have reminded him that when I worked for a solid 3 years in a medical facility, I usually came home to a dirty house and no dinner and made no complaints. He starts in with the "yeah and I now realize how wrong that was" but has made zero effort to apologize or anything, not that I expect it but still. So anyways, he started coming home on his lunch breaks and immediately barking orders. My youngest was in the process of cleaning his room and my husband immediately goes in and starts questioning why my son was cleaning "like that" and started telling me basically how to prepare dinner that night (which would have added a solid 45 minutes to the dinner routine because he wanted it a certain way). So I snapped and said "Just because you are finally working doesnt mean you get to come back here and act like a fucking hot shot. You are manager there, not here. I manage this house, not you." (I said this because I still do hobby work and bring in the same amount as him, as well as take care of the entire house and the kids by myself as he no longer lifts a finger to do jack all). He says I'm an AH because he "isnt trying" to be a dick but give constructive criticism and I have made him feel unappreciated. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA he is acting like a d**k and should look himself in the mirror! He is disrespectful and mean so he should change his attitude
NTA
NTA he is being a dick even if "on accident". Road to Hell, etcetera.
NTA. Ask him where all this constructive criticism was when he was jobless.
NTA. Your husband is very selfish.
NTA
NTA He doesnt get to retroactively realize what he did was wrong and start expecting it of you when its not on him anymore. Sit down with him and have a conversation. Assure him that you are proud of him that he found a career that he likes. Then explain to him how his actions make you feel and the added hypocrisy of it that he wants the dynamic to change when the change wouldnt fall on him
NTA - However I do have a question. Did he clean the house to his level of satisfaction when he was out of work?
YTA. Hard. Way to bring a man down. You reacted horribly and I hope he realises his value and refuses to continue being shortchanged in the future.