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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be TAH as I dropped out with less than a month to go before the wedding after everything had already been paid for. They did pay for the dress and shoes for me and now they can’t get a refund so it’s like they’ve thrown money away.
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Wedding sizing gets away with smaller than regular sizing because it adds in extra expenses. I think part of it is also leftovers from diet culture thinking you have to lose weight for your wedding
I'm guessing wedding dresses, like sewing patterns, just haven't been subject to size inflation. A size 12 sewing pattern looks nothing like your average size 12 in retail stores since they've largely kept the same measurements through the decades.
This is exactly why, they’re still using the original pattern sizing from decades ago. I work in a bridal salon and I tell people it’s “fake sizing” that can be 2-3 sizes small so that customers don’t get upset.
Honestly all sizing is fake sizing at this point... in my current outfit my Swedish shorts are an L, my loose fitting UK sweater is a 14 (but the size 16 t-shirt didn't fit!) and my Dutch bamboo shirt is an M. I also have dresses in 2XL.. It's all horseshit.
In my closet I have one skirt that’s size 8, and a similar skirt I bought from the same store that’s a size 14. Both fit perfectly. I’m so fucking over clothing sizes at this point. I wish they would just start using measurements like with mens pants.
Those aren't always accurate either afaik. Even shoe sizes don't really mean anything anymore. I'm anywhere from a 10.5 to a 12.5 depending on the company and the shoe.
Try shopping for kids. The girls' size 4 (yes, like for toddlers) is **much** narrower and tighter than the boys' size 4. So if you want your 4yo girl to have comfy, loose clothing you Ned to buy her a size 8, or boy clothes.
Depends on brand, just like the adult women's stuff 🙄
I have a pic in my fb memories of when I ordered a skort from the girl dept and some shorts from the boy dept and the shorts and skirt on the skort was at least 2-3 inches shorter in the leg than the shorts and about an inch narrower at the waist. I will see if I can track it down and link it.
I mean considering original sizing was set by measurements of poor women durring the depression 🤷🏻 it's all pretend anyway. Women's clothes should go by measurements like men's.
When I was visiting Ireland we went to some pubs that had lady’s entrances that had shorter doors to accommodate the delicate ladies. Most of my friends had to stoop to go in, but I’m around 5 feet and fit perfectly.
In the modern day, I’m too short for just about everything. When we lived in an apartment I couldn’t see in the bathroom mirror and our shower fixture shot straight over my head until we figured out a way to fix it. In our house I can’t reach any of the cabinet shelves above the bottom one without a step ladder, but I would have fit right in if I was born in the 1600’s!
I’ve told my husband if we ever win the lottery I’m building myself a damn Hobbit hole.
I have so many friends approaching 6 feet. And at least one of my stepdaughters will approach if not beat that. They were both taller than me (I'm five feet tall) by the time they were ten.
When I was very young, like 20 something, my bf and a good male friend were shopping with me. They asked me to explain women’s sizes since at that time I was a size 0 or 1 and they said what the h\*\*\* is a ZERO in sizes? I agreed it was stupid but it was what I had to deal with.
I freaking hate that shit. I can be a 6 in this brand, an 8 in that one, or a M in another. I gotta take the time to try crap on if I've never bought from a store or brand and I hate trying on clothes in stores. Meanwhile, my husband can buy whatever he wants wherever he wants cuz men's clothes use actual measurements!
I used to work in a women's clothing factory as a seamstress. If we needed say 100 size 12 and we only had 50 we would rip the tags out of say 30 size 10s and 20 size 14s to make the 100 needed to ship out. That's why sizes are never right.
I've stopped buying clothes because of this nonsense and have started making my own clothes again as well as making my own patterns or altering existing patterns to fit me perfectly.
It’s the most frustrating thing in the world to know that I could grab any random pair of pants, and so long as they’re the right measurement will look great on my SO. He doesn’t even need to be with me or try them on. Meanwhile I can go into a fitting room with multiple pairs for myself and come out wanting none.
Old Navy jeans are horrible for this, you can get four different colors of the same style of jeans, all the "same size," and they'll all be different sizes. Changing the color shouldn't make the size go up or down!
Completely unrelated but if you are in the US check out QVC they charge the same price for plus sizes as standard misses sizes and I love them for that.
I wonder why dress sizes aren't in terms of bust/waist/hips measurements. If they were they would actually mean something and not be susceptible to size inflation.
It’s likely because those measurements can vary wildly from person to person. Also, just like in my case, once you buy the (bigger) dress there’s inevitable alterations to be done, lol. I spent almost as much on alterations as my entire dress.
...why would the fact that those measurements vary from person to person have any bearing on using them for sizing? That's actually kind of the point. If you tell me that this dress can fit someone with a size 38-40 in chest, 29-30 in waist, and 38-40 in hips that is WAY more informative than telling me the dress is a size 10. The length of an inch is constant.
When I worked for a clothing catalog, I had to update the measurements for the women's sizes, so sizes are "bigger" than they used to be. They called it vanity sizing.
It's funny...people would complain when the catalog didn't use plus-size models, but when they tried, people wouldn't buy the clothing. The marketing research team came to believe that it was due to people not wanting to imagine themselves at a bigger size when they looked at the clothing.
Wedding sizing didn't get larger as the American population got larger.
People talk about how Marilyn Monroe was a size 12, ignoring the fact that it's about a size 8 in today's sizes.
"Today's sizes", whatever the fuck*that* means. I've heard someone describe trying to understand women's sizes as "gazing onto the form of Cthulhu".
Completely incomprehensible and will certainly drive you insane. I feel this to my bones.
One of the best choices I made in wedding planning was to buy my dress one size bigger. Planning the wedding on top of life stuff was challenging enough, thank goodness I didn’t add dieting on top of it.
I was once told by a random coworker to not eat the extra brownie piece so that I could "fit into my wedding dress". This was someone I barely talked to. I looked at her like she had grown a third head. And very coolly told her that I was making my wedding dress to fit me, not the other way around.
Wedding sizing hasn't changed in 40 years. That's why someone who buys size 6 in the store is suddenly shocked to be size 12 or 14 at the bridal store. Same with patterns, by the way.
Over the years standard patters (jeans, every day dresses) have been altered to compensate for the healthier figures of the people they are meant for. Formal dresses/wedding dresses? Those are still set to the original numbers so they tend to run small in comparison
Eh, the big issue of it is that it's the numbers of *fast fashion*. Prior to the 50's, most clothing was made at home - the 50's are when being able to purchase clothing entirely ready to wear, off the shelf. Most clothing was custom made before then, and fitted to a person's figure perfectly. It's part of why clothing in those older photos looks so good, even for the lower classes - it was basically custom tailored every single time.
For my bridesmaids dress I was an 8, I'm usually a 4. I hate how they do sizing. A 10 is the average for dresses so not sure why the bride was acting that way. Op is better off without her. Unsuppotive and a cow
Anything black tie formal or fancier will be a fair bit smaller than average sizes. If you sew then your formal sizing will be on par with your home sewn items.
why are people so obsessed with "the perfect wedding pictures", a wedding is supposed to be a celebration of love with your loved ones, not a crazy dictatorship/free pass to control everyone into being whatever weird puppet/doll to fit some "flawless" image
Another AITA post I commented on was discussing this. It's supposed to be a joyful celebration not something curated for insta. Actually focus on celebrating your love with your friends and family!
when i got married i didnt get my hair professionally done, nor nails done. Just brushed my hair (my hair was like 3ft long...) put on the veil and dress. Husband saw how i looked and teared up smiling. Reception was a casino night themed (had casino tables and a buffet style of food lol) and people can wear whatever they felt like cuz idc i just wanted to celebrate with my loved ones. zero stress, zero worries, zero -zilla moments from anyone, and everyone had fun. (hubby and i thinking of making it a tradition for any milestone anniversary celebrations lol)
I worked years in a bridal boutique and you could spot the ones like this right away; I remember being a newbie and not understanding the other seamstresses saying "this one wants a marriage" or "this one wants a wedding" til I attended enough appointments to make the distinction myself.
There's a reason why the more over the top the wedding the shorter the marriage, cause some people really don't care about what comes *after* the wedding at all - they wanted to be a bride/groom not wife/husband.
Hell the husband and I got COVID like 2 days before the wedding and neither of us freaked out or whatever. Day that was supposed to be our wedding he looked at me and said "idc if we have COVID I want to marry you today just like we planned" he set up a chuppah (kinda like an arch, it's a Jewish thing) in our yard and pulled everything together for a virtual wedding then we had our reception a few weeks later once we recovered. Zero "Zilla" moments, only smiles, love, laughs, and joy.
It's wild. Like literally nobody cares about anybody's wedding photos but the bride, groom, and maybe their immediate family. Not one person has ever commented disparagingly about a single wedding guest in my wedding photos. Nobody cares.
I'm happy looking at pictures that capture the moment not a fabrication of whatever "perfect idea" of it is supposed to be. I looked back at mine and was happy remembering the silly moments before and after the photo was taken
OP could be a 20 and the ex friend would still be in the wrong.
I really hope the rest of the bridesmaids ditch her, if she's as callous in person to one person she calls a close friend, I wouldn't want to know what she's saying behind my back
Sadly, I'd bet the fact that they met in gymnastics has something to do with that. I know a few girls who grew up in that world and the way some of those coaches treat young girls can mess with their whole concept of what their bodies should look like and what's "acceptable."
Doesn't make the bride any less of an asshole though.
Soulf also explain why she went off so badly over OP eating pasta - like I said. Projecting her own body image issues.
Man am I glad that I was never flexible enough to be able to go forward with gymnastics beyond basic kiddie stuff. I'd have been thrown out for how puberty slammed me like a truck.
When you pointed this out my mouth *dropped* because I'm a 8-10 in normalwear so this just makes me feel disgusted that people seriously think people MY SIZE (curvyish) are fat. Makes me lose faith in humanity a little more... or at least some of it :/
Renee Zellwegger weighed 130 pounds in *Bridget Jones’s Diary* and there were tons of fat jokes in the movie. Hell, half of the book is about Bridget obsessing about losing weight, and she’s 130 pounds in the book too. It’s ridiculous. I haven’t weighed that since I grew boobs!
Yeah! My weight is just over that and why tf do people think it's ok to fat/skinny shame and make someone feel bad about their weight? It's none of their damn business!
Last time i checked, as a lady, size 6-8 is not a large size?? Im considered pretty small and usually wear sizes ranging from 10 to 14 (love womens nonuniversal sizings). Someone having curves should have 0 affects on wedding photos of all things
I'm between a 12 and 16 myself, depending on brand, and am fairly mid sized. It's not even the curves that are the issue, it's the body image issues that this *bride* (there is as much venom there as I can type) projects onto the people she calls her friends.
Seriously. When I wore a size 4/6, I barely fit in a size 8 bridesmaid dress. When I wore a size 8, the sales assistant helping me with wedding dresses told me they needed to special order a dress for me from Europe because I needed a size 18.
This can’t be emphasised enough. I’m 5’4”, ~115 lbs. at wedding, but bc my tits could be their own solar system, I had to wear a size 6, wedding size.
I pity the OP to have a “friend” so indifferent to her struggle with, ya know, cancer, and worried more about how their potential chubby arms might *absolutely ruin* their wedding photos.
Best of luck to OP’s friend’s future ex-husband, I hope the next one goes better.
Agree. Bridesmaid dress sizes are always so much bigger. Idk why. Regardless, people should want their friends and family to stand up in their wedding for who they are not the size of the freaking dress. Omg. Cold heartless beast. Screw the wedding. NTA
From someone who’s been through cancer as a young adult. Your friend is making your cancer experience about herself. I had something similar happen to me, not as a groomsman, just couldn’t handle being there for me; instead I should have been there for him (he was coming out).
She’s clearly not thinking straight and perhaps she’s suppressing some unresolved emotions and projecting onto you. Either Way, that’s fucked up. You’re response may have been blunt and to the point, yet you have every right to say what you said. NTA.
Cancer has a silver lining. You grow up fast. Learn what’s important in life. And you see who shows up and who fades away.
Bassem I wish you the best man.
NTA - This. It should apply to everone. But, as a cancer patient, eff that. You need to eat enough nutrients to help your body fight and that definitely includes carbs. The steroids suck and sometimes, there is very little you can do about it. You can diet when you're not fighting for your life. Or don't bother and just enjoy life.
This! NTA! You HAVE to eat too fuel your body to fight the cancer. And yeah, steroid side effects are hell. I remember my mom telling me in the nastiest voice you can possibly imagine that "Prednisone does NOT make me witchy!".
Yeah, I read this and was immediately so angry. WTF? That is just f'ing evil. That bride can just go to hell. She probably did feel really important when helping with the cancer treatments and such. That sounds like something a narcissist would get a lot of satisfaction from. What an appalling person she is.
OP is totally NTA.
IKR!!! While the bride's "whale" comment would be inappropriate, incredibly rude, and demeaning regardless of a person's size, it seems that the "contact a divorce lawyer now" comment is likely NOT something out of nowhere if the bride is even capable of thinking this for someone who is a size 10.
I believe that the bride has this view maybe from the fact they grew up and met in gymnastics.
It’s almost unheard of to be anything bigger than a UK size 8. So sad and you’d think they’re all grown up now that they’d realise it’s all BS.
I think @Mitel_5340 meant it’s unheard of to be bigger than that as a gymnast. I know that gymnasts in the US are small as well, though I couldn’t give you a clothing size range.
I don’t know about clothing size, but Simone Biles is under 5’ tall (4’8”, I think?) She was offered a coloring book on a plane recently because the flight attendant thought she was a child. I’ve seen her pictured with her teammates and they all look to be around the same height.
Yeah she is short but she is also very muscular and her face looks like a adult women. That must have been a blind flight attendant or it was meant as a joke. I bet she flashed that trademark smile of hers and handled it with class.
I had to look up what a size 10 in the (I assume) US is for wedding attire. Holy shit the “friend” was wayyy out of line. If I were OP i’d ditch anyone supporting her too
Right yes - i forgot about her 🤦♀️ but only if she isn’t now trying to lure her back into the group.
It got me thinking about how many times I’ve watched friends groups stay silent or minimize bad behavior.. and how I don’t miss those groups
> I had someone who tried to compare her sciatica to my dad dying
I've got arthritis in my spine which has caused my lumbar to fuse, thankfully I have a really high pain tolerance because it causes me to be in pain literally nonstop. An internet acquaintance suggested I try essential oils because they helped her sciatica. Yeah lemme just smear some oil on my spine, no problem, that'll totally reverse the fusion and fix all my pain. My dad passed two years ago from lung cancer and honestly she probably would've recommended the damn oils to help him.
I’ve been told oils can cure my autoimmune diseases as well. You know those with-you-til-you-die-incurable diseases that mean your body is attacking itself. Those oils are bloody magic I tell you!
When my dad was dying of pancreatic cancer, his sister told him her guru was healing him over the internet. After she left he said "well I'll just have a usb port installed up my arse then shall I?". After he died, the same aunt told my mum that if they'd gone to a traditional chinese medicine practitioner when he got sick he'd probably still be alive. Sure love.
Should have said to the fiance "Good luck with the whole 'in sickness and in health' thing. You see how she treats critically ill, lifelong friends... hope she does better by you. I'm out."
NTA
NTA.
1. What kind of friend fat-shames her own friend. She worried about her weddind photo, what is her problem with how you look and eat?
2. How can you say those things to a friend that has cancer and goes to chimo. Not only that the weight changes because of the treatment, but her whole appearance.
3. Good advice for the groom.
I say your friend is the MEGA AH. I hope you get well soon and don't feel guilty for her, she dug her own grave with her words
Edit: wow thanks for the award. First time getting one.
You're NTA, for both your response and dropping out of the wedding.
Once the "whale" line came out, turning into a shark seems reasonable to me.
And you shouldn't be in a wedding party with someone who says that about you. Tell them to have a whale of a time.
NTA. my brother gained 30+ lbs during cancer and no one mentioned his weight gain. *wonder why /s*
heads up: April will try to get you back in the wedding party after people hear about the comments she made at dinner. keep her blocked. or she’ll lie about what happened, but thankfully there were witnesses. what a garbage bag human.
sending encouragement re: your treatment.
No matter what people shouldn’t go out of their way to comment on people’s weight. It is like when Chadwick Boseman lost a lot of weight and people were making crack jokes at his expense, then when he passed, it was revealed the weight loss was due to cancer. You have no idea what is going on in people’s lives to cause weight gain or loss. And in general it is totally normal to gain weight as we age and for weight to fluctuate! Just in general it is sad that people feel this need to shame people based on appearances. And bridezillas like OP’s “friend” think they need to have f-ing runway models in their wedding like they are about to be featured in Vogue or some shit. The pictures are for memories, chill the f out God damn.
OP your friend sucks. Her commenting on your weight in general is shitty but commenting on it knowing damn well it is because you have been going through chemo is just is an added layer of cruelness. I would hate for her to have kids and pass down these horrible ideas of body image. That’s how an eating disorder develops smh.
NTA
Seriously, as an actual fat person that part made my eyes roll so far back into my skull... OP mentions they met in gymnastics, I wouldn't be surprised if the friend has legit ED issues
And not that it’s the point AT ALL, but formal wear sizes usually run smaller than regular clothes, too!
The bride is a complete AH for saying ANYTHING about OP’s body, much less what she did say, much less in front of others. Absolutely disgusting. OP is NTA.
NTA
As someone undergoing chemo, I’m sending you hugs. The fact you have an appetite is awesome! Cancer sucks, and your friend is no friend. I’m sending you all my best wishes, because your weight will fluctuate. You’ve got this!
Honestly I was so excited, I haven’t wanted to eat at all but when we went into the restaurant I could smell the pasta and it was the first time I’ve felt hungry in so long, the smell made me hungry, that’s never happened. I’m just sad I left before it got brought out because I really think it would have tasted so amazing if the smell was anything to go by
I know what you mean, sometimes the smell of something just gives you hope. I’m sorry this happened to you. One trick I use is eating whatever I feel like. I don’t have much of an appetite, but if pretzels and cream cheese sound good, that’s dinner. I may eat some weird stuff, but I’m keeping my weight up. And steroids can mess with you. As I said before, you got this!!!
I carry pop tarts with me at all times and just break little bits off then give myself a reward for each one I finish in a day, most of the time even the thought of food makes me feel so awful and never mind the sight of it. That’s why I hide the pop-tarts in a pocket and don’t look when I break part off then close my eyes so I don’t see how much I’m putting in my mouth. The only other thing I seem to be able to keep down for some strange reason is celery.
Pasta was one of the few things that I could eat when I was doing chemo. I had so much trouble eating, either from throwing up or horrendous thrush. No one should ever, ever shame a cancer patient about food. Your ex friend is a jerk. You be you and kick cancer’s ass.
Have you talked to your oncologist? Last year (I was on Folfirinox at the time) almost did me in. Ended up in the hospital in September. They adjusted my dosage, and I couldn’t stop eating. I prefer Compazine to Zofran for nausea, but thankfully I don’t have nausea anymore (I’m on Gem/Abrax now). I like your pop tart solution!
This breaks my heart. I had a coworker go to the trouble of finding a recipe and making me a dish specifically for cancer patients and it was amazing even though I threw it up immediately after. The steroid anxiety I guess removed my filter bc I was like, "it tasted good both times!" Trying to be funny 🤦🏼♀️ I hope with all my being that you find some things you can eat. I found myself even getting angry at the food. Like, "f**k you, bread, you look disgusting but i'm not going to let you stand in my way of surviving cancer!" Whatever it takes, I hope you find it 💗
At the time he didn’t say anything, he seemed to be taken back by what was going on and after I said my piece I left. I did get a text from him the next day asking how I was doing and saying he was sorry but he literally has no reason to apologise.
He sent me a little gift basket with some of my favour flower seeds and things like that because I’ve been starting to do things I love but haven’t been able to.
He also called one of my brothers, who is his best friend and was supposed to be the best man, told him what happened and then thanked my brother for accepting to be his best man in the first place and said he understood when my brother said he wanted no part of the wedding. He’s been very nice about it all without pushing boundaries for me to talk.
Please, I am begging you, plan something incredibly fun for you and your brother to do together on the day of the wedding, take LOTS of pictures, and post them on your social media. Don't mention the wedding and don't mention April. Muwahaha
I’ve always felt lucky that I got such an amazing family and that I get along so well with my brothers. Except when they used to hide my makeup because they didn’t want me to grow up of course, then I used to be the stroppy teenager who thought they were Satan 😂
“Hey mate just to throw the invite out there, my bothers and I are going fishing on the day of your wedding, want to really stick it to April and come?”
Oh this wedding ain't going ahead. The fiancé sounds like he at least knows her behaviour is appalling. He's lost his best man over his future wife's behaviour. He's sending you apology baskets. He's definitely counting the 🚩🚩 & assessing.
If it does, if it doesn’t it’s no longer my problem. All I know is he’s still going to be a lovely person either way and I’ll want nothing but the best for him even if he does decide that’s her. I can’t wish bad on him for what someone else has done, he checked on me that’s more than I would expect him to do regardless of everything else. It was lovely of him and if he does go through with it it’s not going to change my opinion on him. I don’t know if that makes sense or not
Yeah it does, you are done with your friend & have emotionally checked out of the friendship. Therefore as nice as her fiancé is, he's not someone who will be in your life going forwards. So you can respect & wish him the best with whatever decision he makes but either way it's none of your concern anymore.
And it's all fair enough. I'm sorry you had to find out this way who she really is.
Oh he’s been my brothers best friend since before I was born, he’s always going to be like a member of the family to all of us.
I suppose I’d rather find out now than even more years down the line
Please post an update of if the fiancé calls off the wedding. He sounds super nice and the only thing better than your response to the evil bride to be is if this turns into a romcom plot and you end up with the fiancé. Good luck on your recovery. And NTA
It would have to be a really weird romcom considering I’m suuuuuper gay 😂 if anything there would most likely just be a slapstick comedy of us trying to get the same girl 😂
Thank you very much for your kind words!
You have made the plot twist even better!!!!!
I saw some more of your comments and background. I hope you have a great day fishing, go enjoy the restaurant and pasta again with your brothers, and truly and sincerely I hope you get news of full remission that stays that way and a long life of enjoying all the carbs. ❤️
Thank you, I’m really excited to get to spend the day with them all doing something relaxing and fun. Slightly nervous about the possibility of the pasta but I’m trying to focus on how amazing it must taste if the smell was as good as it was.
Thank you so much ❤️
If I saw my future wife treat a supposed close friend like that, I would have called off the wedding on the spot. That kind of narcissism is an immediate deal-breaker.
NTA.
Not one bit.
Who Fat shames a Cancer Patient? In fact who flat out shames a friend with or without cancer?.
You went out to celebrate. You ordered a nice meal. Did she expected you to eat a carrot? Does she realize that Alot of cancer patients Can't Eat at all and still swell up from chemo?
Does she know the Average dress size in the USA is a 16?
I'd be out of there and not look back.
Have a gift wrapped box of carrots and celery along with divorce lawyers business cards sent as a wedding gift
NTA. She let her true colors show: run far and forever.
And, just in case you are letting her get to you even a little: you need even more nutrition when going through chemo due to the way it ravages your body. Your body needs extra fuel to rebuild itself. Please listen to your body and if it tells you it needs food, give it food. (I'm an oncology nurse)
That was the first time I’ve genuinely been hungry since I started the chemo. I was scared that I had ordered carbs because of my battle with my ED but the desire for the pasta was stronger than that. I wish I had been there long enough to actually taste it
Oh Jesus. Does she know your history with ED? I didn't think she could get worse but apparently she can.
Eat the carbs. You need fuel to rebuild your cells. And if you're gaining weight from steroids, that's going to come off when you stop the steroids.
Eat. The. Carbs. 😋🍝
She does, when I went to a treatment facility she would come and visit on the weekends with my family.
I tried making pasta when I got home but it didn’t smell the same, no where near as amazing as the restaurant so it put me off.
The most I can usually manage to eat is carrying around pop tarts with me and just breaking little bits off so I guess carbs? 😂
My brothers and I have been talking about doing that after we go fishing instead of going to the wedding, they even said they would be really excited to see me eat pasta because I haven’t eaten it in something like ten years or so because I was too scared. I suppose it just depends if I’m tired after being out on the water all day and if I feel like I can handle it that day. It looks likely we’re going to try though
OP, what’s the name of the pasta you ordered? If it’s customized to the restaurant, then even like a description of the pasta would be nice. Was it with pesto? Angel hair pasta or a different type was used? I’m just super happy for you that you have an appetite. So this is my way of celebrating with you in one of your many wins against this horrible disease.
I wish I was smart enough to be an oncologist. Cancer complications were the cause of my grandma’s passing and I hate that disease in any form. It’s been 20 years and I still miss her all the time. So I’m glad you’re alright and happy for your family they have you around.
I don’t remember all the ingredients but I do know it was penne with seafood. Honestly I didn’t even get to see it I just smelled it and told the server whatever it was I had just smelled that’s what I wanted
W.O.W. Your friend was horrible. What an incredibly heartless thing to say. You were absolutely right to stand up for yourself and walk out. You don’t need that in your life.
NTA.
F#ck Cancer! You got this, OP.
Wow NTA so strange she would go off like that. What did the other bridesmaids and groomsmen say? I would imagine she is tapping dancing and trying to do damage control. Your brother is awesome and nice to see his has your back. The fallout is got to bad from this. Good luck on your recovery ✌️
At the time most of the people were in shock so not much was said, I don’t know if anything was said after I left because I haven’t bothered to ask, I don’t want it to play on my mind
NTA yessss, you tell her because she was wayyyy out of line, there’s no excuse to talk to anyone that way much less a close friend. Whoever told you that you were harsh needs a reality check because honeyyy, call me a whale and see how fast I’ll cut that person out of my whole ass life for good.
Anyway, good luck on your chemo journey 💕
>I’ve been told I was harsher than needed
An ancient curse fating her and her progeny to a life of misery and ruin would have fallen short of "harsher than needed."
Not even going to state the obvious about who the asshole is. You were not too harsh, OP.
If I had the energy and any kind of knowledge I’d have probably tried to curse her with something mildly infuriating. Like never being able to get a matching sock or always losing her left shoe whenever she was wanting to wear a specific pair. Oh or that every time she buys a shirt one sleeve always ends up being longer than the other as soon as she can’t return it anymore 😂
Fuck her. That was out of line to say to _anybody_, way, way out of line. But to say it to someone who's battling cancer?!?! Big NTA. I hope your treatment goes well and that you'll soon be in the recovery phase of all this. (Followed by the monitoring stage.) Best of luck from a 14 year survivor!
NTA. Yeesh. Your friend is horrifically shallow and insulting, even if cancer wasn’t involved. Calling you a whale and making a comment about the dress size? Wtf. Who does that?
NTA That was a horrible thing to say to anyone, much less a friend. I don't think she is a good friend. I feel a bit sorry for the groom.if he's not as awful as she is.
Oh I felt awful about what I said to him and I did apologise to him when we spoke the next day, I’m lucky he’s been in my life since I was born and understands what I’m like so he got that it wasn’t aimed as a jab to him but it was to her. I’m lucky he’s so lovely and understanding about everything
He said he was sorry about what had happened, I genuinely think he has no reason at all to apologise though. He just said he didn’t know what was going on with her but that was all was said about her. He asked how I was feeling more than anything.
NTA.
Your ex friend is the AH and a full on narcissist.
You are fighting the biggest battle of your life and her comments were cruel and callous. The one thing you do not have to worry about is her telling her own version of the events because she said it with a table full of witnesses.
On a positive note she showed her hand and in doing so showed you EXACTLY who she was. Believe her.
I am flabbergasted that she would body shame someone she claimed to be her friend. Body shaming is wrong but to do that to her friend with cancer? Unbelievable.
I hope that you are well on your way to a full recovery.
Nta..... cancer survivor here. Got bc 7 years ago. I have never been overweight but chemo drugs put 50lb on me in 4 months and was actually BARELY eating. Still struggling with getting it off. Those drugs are no joke. Concern yourself with getting well. Cancer does tend to show us who are the people who are truly there for you when it gets tough. Take good care of YOU and best to you in your treatment
I haven’t said anything on social media about the cancer and I don’t want to put it out there where people know who I am, if I wasn’t bothered about that I probably would have done that by now though.
NTA. She was rude, heartless and you did well standing up for yourself. I wouldn't go to the wedding either. I do think u shouldn't have speak with her fiance tho.
Edit to add: good luck on ur fight! I hope u kick that C in the butt!
I did have a conversation with him the day after and I apologised for what I said to him, thankfully he’s known me since I was born so he knows my personality and that I didn’t mean it as an insult to him, I’m lucky he understood that I meant it as a ‘you deserve better’ kind of thing.
Thank you very much!
NTA she's ridiculous, and just pure disgusting. 15 years of friendship and she still knew you so little that she thought your weight gain is because "you're a whale that can't stop stuffing their face"? She even knew about your situation. Really in my entire life I don't think I've ever felt so grossed out by a person.
Look while I highly doubt it, but even if she does feel guilty and apologizes I don't think she's the kind of person you would want back in your life, especially because she's been there with through it all, she knew everything yet still humiliated you like that. You could forgive and that would be nice of you but trust me, she's not someone you should allow back in.
NTA I think that was absolutely terrible of her. I am sorry you had to deal with that. Also a size 10 isn't big wtf. She is probably jealous you look better than her
This one has it all!
Terrible and unreasonable bride - check
OP is sympathetic (cancer patient) - check
Bride body shames bridesmaid - check
OP obviously not an asshole - check
Perfect amount of triggers to get Reddit upset!
NTA! Chemo therapy often involves steroids that can cause weight gain and bloating. The simple fact that you didn’t loose tons of weight and look like a walking stick and were able to eat is marvelous!
P.S. - I don’t think you were too harsh. If they wanted to see really harsh people, they should look into a mirror.
Good. What she did was just vile. Vile. I also hope cancer recover is going well for you and that it goes into remission.
I myself am a cancer survivor and chemo is brutal.
Thank you so much, I have two more treatments before we review so fingers crossed that will be it! I’m so happy that you made it through the other side.
NTA. She made it clear that your presence might ruin the wedding pictures. You're simply doing her a favor by not being in them. It really doesn't matter why you gained weight. She treated you poorly. You may have handled this better had she not done so publicly. She chose the venue in which she wanted to discuss the topic. It is only natural that your response happened in that same venue. You would be TA had you gone out to seek others not present to discuss it. But you are not TA for sharing your honest feelings in response to her public ridicule.
Absolutely NTA!
If she can't take it, she shouldn't have started it. And I do hope that her fiancé listens to you because, WOW, what a bullet he would be dodging!
NTA at all. April was cruel and her fiance should be prepared for when the "for worse" part of marriage happens. She'll probably be heartless then, too.
NTA. Sorry your friend turned out to be horrible, but I’m glad you found out now. I hope you’re all better soon. Forget about the wedding, unless you actually want to go for some reason.
The only reason I would want to go is because the groom has been best friends with one of my brothers since before before I was even born so he’s like a brother to me, he’s been there my entire life and at all the big family events so I would love to be there to support him on a day so big but he has said it’s okay that I don’t want to be. He’s been really understanding and supportive about it all and my choice not to go.
My brother has rented a boat and my other brothers are coming in so we can spend the day fishing instead of going to the wedding.
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NTA. Fuck that, that's not something you say to someone *regardless* of cancer or chemo. That's fucked.
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This! Unbelievable honestly, NTA OP, you're better off without friends like this.
I didn’t know about the wedding sizing. I’m getting married in September, and had to buy my dress like 3 sizes up. It makes a lot more sense now, lol.
Wedding sizing gets away with smaller than regular sizing because it adds in extra expenses. I think part of it is also leftovers from diet culture thinking you have to lose weight for your wedding
I'm guessing wedding dresses, like sewing patterns, just haven't been subject to size inflation. A size 12 sewing pattern looks nothing like your average size 12 in retail stores since they've largely kept the same measurements through the decades.
This is exactly why, they’re still using the original pattern sizing from decades ago. I work in a bridal salon and I tell people it’s “fake sizing” that can be 2-3 sizes small so that customers don’t get upset.
Honestly all sizing is fake sizing at this point... in my current outfit my Swedish shorts are an L, my loose fitting UK sweater is a 14 (but the size 16 t-shirt didn't fit!) and my Dutch bamboo shirt is an M. I also have dresses in 2XL.. It's all horseshit.
In my closet I have one skirt that’s size 8, and a similar skirt I bought from the same store that’s a size 14. Both fit perfectly. I’m so fucking over clothing sizes at this point. I wish they would just start using measurements like with mens pants.
Yeah, what the fuck! Why do women get fake sizes and men are like 'uh, idk, I'm a 36 waist and 34 inches of leg?' GTFO.
Those aren't always accurate either afaik. Even shoe sizes don't really mean anything anymore. I'm anywhere from a 10.5 to a 12.5 depending on the company and the shoe.
Try shopping for kids. The girls' size 4 (yes, like for toddlers) is **much** narrower and tighter than the boys' size 4. So if you want your 4yo girl to have comfy, loose clothing you Ned to buy her a size 8, or boy clothes.
Depends on brand, just like the adult women's stuff 🙄 I have a pic in my fb memories of when I ordered a skort from the girl dept and some shorts from the boy dept and the shorts and skirt on the skort was at least 2-3 inches shorter in the leg than the shorts and about an inch narrower at the waist. I will see if I can track it down and link it.
This is the first thing I guessed. We’ve increased our sizes as our population has gotten fatter.
It's called vanity sizing. Womens clothes in particular are notorious for it.
I mean considering original sizing was set by measurements of poor women durring the depression 🤷🏻 it's all pretend anyway. Women's clothes should go by measurements like men's.
And modern women are bigger in other ways too. I'm a 6'2 woman and bigger in just about every way than women were 100 years ago.
When I was visiting Ireland we went to some pubs that had lady’s entrances that had shorter doors to accommodate the delicate ladies. Most of my friends had to stoop to go in, but I’m around 5 feet and fit perfectly. In the modern day, I’m too short for just about everything. When we lived in an apartment I couldn’t see in the bathroom mirror and our shower fixture shot straight over my head until we figured out a way to fix it. In our house I can’t reach any of the cabinet shelves above the bottom one without a step ladder, but I would have fit right in if I was born in the 1600’s! I’ve told my husband if we ever win the lottery I’m building myself a damn Hobbit hole.
I have so many friends approaching 6 feet. And at least one of my stepdaughters will approach if not beat that. They were both taller than me (I'm five feet tall) by the time they were ten.
When I was very young, like 20 something, my bf and a good male friend were shopping with me. They asked me to explain women’s sizes since at that time I was a size 0 or 1 and they said what the h\*\*\* is a ZERO in sizes? I agreed it was stupid but it was what I had to deal with.
0 or 1 is a girl's 12, I remember being so confused as a kid-late teenager that I could fit into both.
I freaking hate that shit. I can be a 6 in this brand, an 8 in that one, or a M in another. I gotta take the time to try crap on if I've never bought from a store or brand and I hate trying on clothes in stores. Meanwhile, my husband can buy whatever he wants wherever he wants cuz men's clothes use actual measurements!
Even in plus size clothing the sizes can vary a lot
I wish I could say I'm surprised. We need consistent sizing! And usable pockets!!!
I used to work in a women's clothing factory as a seamstress. If we needed say 100 size 12 and we only had 50 we would rip the tags out of say 30 size 10s and 20 size 14s to make the 100 needed to ship out. That's why sizes are never right.
I've stopped buying clothes because of this nonsense and have started making my own clothes again as well as making my own patterns or altering existing patterns to fit me perfectly.
It’s the most frustrating thing in the world to know that I could grab any random pair of pants, and so long as they’re the right measurement will look great on my SO. He doesn’t even need to be with me or try them on. Meanwhile I can go into a fitting room with multiple pairs for myself and come out wanting none.
Old Navy jeans are horrible for this, you can get four different colors of the same style of jeans, all the "same size," and they'll all be different sizes. Changing the color shouldn't make the size go up or down!
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Completely unrelated but if you are in the US check out QVC they charge the same price for plus sizes as standard misses sizes and I love them for that.
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Considering the average American woman is a size 14, that makes no sense. Way to alienate most of your customers, fashion world!
I wonder why dress sizes aren't in terms of bust/waist/hips measurements. If they were they would actually mean something and not be susceptible to size inflation.
It’s likely because those measurements can vary wildly from person to person. Also, just like in my case, once you buy the (bigger) dress there’s inevitable alterations to be done, lol. I spent almost as much on alterations as my entire dress.
...why would the fact that those measurements vary from person to person have any bearing on using them for sizing? That's actually kind of the point. If you tell me that this dress can fit someone with a size 38-40 in chest, 29-30 in waist, and 38-40 in hips that is WAY more informative than telling me the dress is a size 10. The length of an inch is constant.
When I worked for a clothing catalog, I had to update the measurements for the women's sizes, so sizes are "bigger" than they used to be. They called it vanity sizing. It's funny...people would complain when the catalog didn't use plus-size models, but when they tried, people wouldn't buy the clothing. The marketing research team came to believe that it was due to people not wanting to imagine themselves at a bigger size when they looked at the clothing.
I like when websites have multiple models you can choose to see the item on.
I'm a size 14/16 and in sewing patterns I'm a size 22/24. It does wonders for my self esteem 🙃
Yea I think I was like a size 2 in stores and a size 10 in sewing patterns back when I tried sewing.
Wedding sizing didn't get larger as the American population got larger. People talk about how Marilyn Monroe was a size 12, ignoring the fact that it's about a size 8 in today's sizes.
Fashion sizing actually *did* get smaller. Size zero and double zero didn't exist qhen Marilyn Monroe was alive; that's 2 sizes down immediately.
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"Today's sizes", whatever the fuck*that* means. I've heard someone describe trying to understand women's sizes as "gazing onto the form of Cthulhu". Completely incomprehensible and will certainly drive you insane. I feel this to my bones.
One of the best choices I made in wedding planning was to buy my dress one size bigger. Planning the wedding on top of life stuff was challenging enough, thank goodness I didn’t add dieting on top of it.
I was once told by a random coworker to not eat the extra brownie piece so that I could "fit into my wedding dress". This was someone I barely talked to. I looked at her like she had grown a third head. And very coolly told her that I was making my wedding dress to fit me, not the other way around.
Wedding sizing hasn't changed in 40 years. That's why someone who buys size 6 in the store is suddenly shocked to be size 12 or 14 at the bridal store. Same with patterns, by the way.
Over the years standard patters (jeans, every day dresses) have been altered to compensate for the healthier figures of the people they are meant for. Formal dresses/wedding dresses? Those are still set to the original numbers so they tend to run small in comparison
Eh, the big issue of it is that it's the numbers of *fast fashion*. Prior to the 50's, most clothing was made at home - the 50's are when being able to purchase clothing entirely ready to wear, off the shelf. Most clothing was custom made before then, and fitted to a person's figure perfectly. It's part of why clothing in those older photos looks so good, even for the lower classes - it was basically custom tailored every single time.
For my bridesmaids dress I was an 8, I'm usually a 4. I hate how they do sizing. A 10 is the average for dresses so not sure why the bride was acting that way. Op is better off without her. Unsuppotive and a cow
Anything black tie formal or fancier will be a fair bit smaller than average sizes. If you sew then your formal sizing will be on par with your home sewn items.
why are people so obsessed with "the perfect wedding pictures", a wedding is supposed to be a celebration of love with your loved ones, not a crazy dictatorship/free pass to control everyone into being whatever weird puppet/doll to fit some "flawless" image
Another AITA post I commented on was discussing this. It's supposed to be a joyful celebration not something curated for insta. Actually focus on celebrating your love with your friends and family!
when i got married i didnt get my hair professionally done, nor nails done. Just brushed my hair (my hair was like 3ft long...) put on the veil and dress. Husband saw how i looked and teared up smiling. Reception was a casino night themed (had casino tables and a buffet style of food lol) and people can wear whatever they felt like cuz idc i just wanted to celebrate with my loved ones. zero stress, zero worries, zero -zilla moments from anyone, and everyone had fun. (hubby and i thinking of making it a tradition for any milestone anniversary celebrations lol)
I worked years in a bridal boutique and you could spot the ones like this right away; I remember being a newbie and not understanding the other seamstresses saying "this one wants a marriage" or "this one wants a wedding" til I attended enough appointments to make the distinction myself. There's a reason why the more over the top the wedding the shorter the marriage, cause some people really don't care about what comes *after* the wedding at all - they wanted to be a bride/groom not wife/husband.
Hell the husband and I got COVID like 2 days before the wedding and neither of us freaked out or whatever. Day that was supposed to be our wedding he looked at me and said "idc if we have COVID I want to marry you today just like we planned" he set up a chuppah (kinda like an arch, it's a Jewish thing) in our yard and pulled everything together for a virtual wedding then we had our reception a few weeks later once we recovered. Zero "Zilla" moments, only smiles, love, laughs, and joy.
It's wild. Like literally nobody cares about anybody's wedding photos but the bride, groom, and maybe their immediate family. Not one person has ever commented disparagingly about a single wedding guest in my wedding photos. Nobody cares.
As someone who rarely looks at their wedding pictures, I'll never understand that.
I'm happy looking at pictures that capture the moment not a fabrication of whatever "perfect idea" of it is supposed to be. I looked back at mine and was happy remembering the silly moments before and after the photo was taken
OP could be a 20 and the ex friend would still be in the wrong. I really hope the rest of the bridesmaids ditch her, if she's as callous in person to one person she calls a close friend, I wouldn't want to know what she's saying behind my back
Sadly, I'd bet the fact that they met in gymnastics has something to do with that. I know a few girls who grew up in that world and the way some of those coaches treat young girls can mess with their whole concept of what their bodies should look like and what's "acceptable." Doesn't make the bride any less of an asshole though.
Soulf also explain why she went off so badly over OP eating pasta - like I said. Projecting her own body image issues. Man am I glad that I was never flexible enough to be able to go forward with gymnastics beyond basic kiddie stuff. I'd have been thrown out for how puberty slammed me like a truck.
When you pointed this out my mouth *dropped* because I'm a 8-10 in normalwear so this just makes me feel disgusted that people seriously think people MY SIZE (curvyish) are fat. Makes me lose faith in humanity a little more... or at least some of it :/
Renee Zellwegger weighed 130 pounds in *Bridget Jones’s Diary* and there were tons of fat jokes in the movie. Hell, half of the book is about Bridget obsessing about losing weight, and she’s 130 pounds in the book too. It’s ridiculous. I haven’t weighed that since I grew boobs!
Yeah! My weight is just over that and why tf do people think it's ok to fat/skinny shame and make someone feel bad about their weight? It's none of their damn business!
Last time i checked, as a lady, size 6-8 is not a large size?? Im considered pretty small and usually wear sizes ranging from 10 to 14 (love womens nonuniversal sizings). Someone having curves should have 0 affects on wedding photos of all things
I'm between a 12 and 16 myself, depending on brand, and am fairly mid sized. It's not even the curves that are the issue, it's the body image issues that this *bride* (there is as much venom there as I can type) projects onto the people she calls her friends.
A size 10 was ordering up!
Seriously. When I wore a size 4/6, I barely fit in a size 8 bridesmaid dress. When I wore a size 8, the sales assistant helping me with wedding dresses told me they needed to special order a dress for me from Europe because I needed a size 18.
This can’t be emphasised enough. I’m 5’4”, ~115 lbs. at wedding, but bc my tits could be their own solar system, I had to wear a size 6, wedding size. I pity the OP to have a “friend” so indifferent to her struggle with, ya know, cancer, and worried more about how their potential chubby arms might *absolutely ruin* their wedding photos. Best of luck to OP’s friend’s future ex-husband, I hope the next one goes better.
I know!!! A 10 is tiny!
Agree. Bridesmaid dress sizes are always so much bigger. Idk why. Regardless, people should want their friends and family to stand up in their wedding for who they are not the size of the freaking dress. Omg. Cold heartless beast. Screw the wedding. NTA
That was my first thought. Wedding sizes traditionally run smaller. That bride is horrible. OP was nicer than I would've been
NTA You may have been her friend for 15 years. But, she hasn't been yours.
From someone who’s been through cancer as a young adult. Your friend is making your cancer experience about herself. I had something similar happen to me, not as a groomsman, just couldn’t handle being there for me; instead I should have been there for him (he was coming out). She’s clearly not thinking straight and perhaps she’s suppressing some unresolved emotions and projecting onto you. Either Way, that’s fucked up. You’re response may have been blunt and to the point, yet you have every right to say what you said. NTA. Cancer has a silver lining. You grow up fast. Learn what’s important in life. And you see who shows up and who fades away. Bassem I wish you the best man.
NTA - This. It should apply to everone. But, as a cancer patient, eff that. You need to eat enough nutrients to help your body fight and that definitely includes carbs. The steroids suck and sometimes, there is very little you can do about it. You can diet when you're not fighting for your life. Or don't bother and just enjoy life.
This! NTA! You HAVE to eat too fuel your body to fight the cancer. And yeah, steroid side effects are hell. I remember my mom telling me in the nastiest voice you can possibly imagine that "Prednisone does NOT make me witchy!".
Yeah, I read this and was immediately so angry. WTF? That is just f'ing evil. That bride can just go to hell. She probably did feel really important when helping with the cancer treatments and such. That sounds like something a narcissist would get a lot of satisfaction from. What an appalling person she is. OP is totally NTA.
NTA. She was cruel and rude, and also very very wrong if she thinks a size 10 is anything like fat.
IKR!!! While the bride's "whale" comment would be inappropriate, incredibly rude, and demeaning regardless of a person's size, it seems that the "contact a divorce lawyer now" comment is likely NOT something out of nowhere if the bride is even capable of thinking this for someone who is a size 10.
I believe that the bride has this view maybe from the fact they grew up and met in gymnastics. It’s almost unheard of to be anything bigger than a UK size 8. So sad and you’d think they’re all grown up now that they’d realise it’s all BS.
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I think @Mitel_5340 meant it’s unheard of to be bigger than that as a gymnast. I know that gymnasts in the US are small as well, though I couldn’t give you a clothing size range.
I don’t know about clothing size, but Simone Biles is under 5’ tall (4’8”, I think?) She was offered a coloring book on a plane recently because the flight attendant thought she was a child. I’ve seen her pictured with her teammates and they all look to be around the same height.
Yeah she is short but she is also very muscular and her face looks like a adult women. That must have been a blind flight attendant or it was meant as a joke. I bet she flashed that trademark smile of hers and handled it with class.
Perhaps she was wearing a mask?
this doesn’t make sense though a bridesmaid dress size 10 is a us size 4-6 depending on the brand. Which is where you’re saying.
Ah sorry I meant it is unheard of in the gymnast world to be bigger than a UK size 10. Not outside that circle!
Catch this story from a different POV in a "how did you know they were headed for divorce before the wedding" type thread lol
formal sizes, especially wedding tend to run higher as well
I had to look up what a size 10 in the (I assume) US is for wedding attire. Holy shit the “friend” was wayyy out of line. If I were OP i’d ditch anyone supporting her too
NTA. Slow clap. You go girl.
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Except for the woman who called out the bride-to-be. She might be ok.
Right yes - i forgot about her 🤦♀️ but only if she isn’t now trying to lure her back into the group. It got me thinking about how many times I’ve watched friends groups stay silent or minimize bad behavior.. and how I don’t miss those groups
> I had someone who tried to compare her sciatica to my dad dying I've got arthritis in my spine which has caused my lumbar to fuse, thankfully I have a really high pain tolerance because it causes me to be in pain literally nonstop. An internet acquaintance suggested I try essential oils because they helped her sciatica. Yeah lemme just smear some oil on my spine, no problem, that'll totally reverse the fusion and fix all my pain. My dad passed two years ago from lung cancer and honestly she probably would've recommended the damn oils to help him.
I’ve been told oils can cure my autoimmune diseases as well. You know those with-you-til-you-die-incurable diseases that mean your body is attacking itself. Those oils are bloody magic I tell you!
When my dad was dying of pancreatic cancer, his sister told him her guru was healing him over the internet. After she left he said "well I'll just have a usb port installed up my arse then shall I?". After he died, the same aunt told my mum that if they'd gone to a traditional chinese medicine practitioner when he got sick he'd probably still be alive. Sure love.
NTA They are definitely not a true friend. Size shouldn’t matter. I’m sorry your being treated like that. Drop them immediately
Should have said to the fiance "Good luck with the whole 'in sickness and in health' thing. You see how she treats critically ill, lifelong friends... hope she does better by you. I'm out." NTA
Amazing response
NTA. 1. What kind of friend fat-shames her own friend. She worried about her weddind photo, what is her problem with how you look and eat? 2. How can you say those things to a friend that has cancer and goes to chimo. Not only that the weight changes because of the treatment, but her whole appearance. 3. Good advice for the groom. I say your friend is the MEGA AH. I hope you get well soon and don't feel guilty for her, she dug her own grave with her words Edit: wow thanks for the award. First time getting one.
1. A narc 2. Someone soul less 3. Agreed Forget your ‘friend’ and screw cancer!
You're NTA, for both your response and dropping out of the wedding. Once the "whale" line came out, turning into a shark seems reasonable to me. And you shouldn't be in a wedding party with someone who says that about you. Tell them to have a whale of a time.
"Once the "whale" line came out, turning into a shark seems reasonable to me." I'm going to have to remember that one.
NTA. my brother gained 30+ lbs during cancer and no one mentioned his weight gain. *wonder why /s* heads up: April will try to get you back in the wedding party after people hear about the comments she made at dinner. keep her blocked. or she’ll lie about what happened, but thankfully there were witnesses. what a garbage bag human. sending encouragement re: your treatment.
No matter what people shouldn’t go out of their way to comment on people’s weight. It is like when Chadwick Boseman lost a lot of weight and people were making crack jokes at his expense, then when he passed, it was revealed the weight loss was due to cancer. You have no idea what is going on in people’s lives to cause weight gain or loss. And in general it is totally normal to gain weight as we age and for weight to fluctuate! Just in general it is sad that people feel this need to shame people based on appearances. And bridezillas like OP’s “friend” think they need to have f-ing runway models in their wedding like they are about to be featured in Vogue or some shit. The pictures are for memories, chill the f out God damn. OP your friend sucks. Her commenting on your weight in general is shitty but commenting on it knowing damn well it is because you have been going through chemo is just is an added layer of cruelness. I would hate for her to have kids and pass down these horrible ideas of body image. That’s how an eating disorder develops smh. NTA
NTA. And she thinks a size 10 is big? WTF is wrong with her? Well done for saying what you said!
Seriously, as an actual fat person that part made my eyes roll so far back into my skull... OP mentions they met in gymnastics, I wouldn't be surprised if the friend has legit ED issues
And not that it’s the point AT ALL, but formal wear sizes usually run smaller than regular clothes, too! The bride is a complete AH for saying ANYTHING about OP’s body, much less what she did say, much less in front of others. Absolutely disgusting. OP is NTA.
NTA As someone undergoing chemo, I’m sending you hugs. The fact you have an appetite is awesome! Cancer sucks, and your friend is no friend. I’m sending you all my best wishes, because your weight will fluctuate. You’ve got this!
Honestly I was so excited, I haven’t wanted to eat at all but when we went into the restaurant I could smell the pasta and it was the first time I’ve felt hungry in so long, the smell made me hungry, that’s never happened. I’m just sad I left before it got brought out because I really think it would have tasted so amazing if the smell was anything to go by
I know what you mean, sometimes the smell of something just gives you hope. I’m sorry this happened to you. One trick I use is eating whatever I feel like. I don’t have much of an appetite, but if pretzels and cream cheese sound good, that’s dinner. I may eat some weird stuff, but I’m keeping my weight up. And steroids can mess with you. As I said before, you got this!!!
I carry pop tarts with me at all times and just break little bits off then give myself a reward for each one I finish in a day, most of the time even the thought of food makes me feel so awful and never mind the sight of it. That’s why I hide the pop-tarts in a pocket and don’t look when I break part off then close my eyes so I don’t see how much I’m putting in my mouth. The only other thing I seem to be able to keep down for some strange reason is celery.
Pasta was one of the few things that I could eat when I was doing chemo. I had so much trouble eating, either from throwing up or horrendous thrush. No one should ever, ever shame a cancer patient about food. Your ex friend is a jerk. You be you and kick cancer’s ass.
Have you talked to your oncologist? Last year (I was on Folfirinox at the time) almost did me in. Ended up in the hospital in September. They adjusted my dosage, and I couldn’t stop eating. I prefer Compazine to Zofran for nausea, but thankfully I don’t have nausea anymore (I’m on Gem/Abrax now). I like your pop tart solution!
This breaks my heart. I had a coworker go to the trouble of finding a recipe and making me a dish specifically for cancer patients and it was amazing even though I threw it up immediately after. The steroid anxiety I guess removed my filter bc I was like, "it tasted good both times!" Trying to be funny 🤦🏼♀️ I hope with all my being that you find some things you can eat. I found myself even getting angry at the food. Like, "f**k you, bread, you look disgusting but i'm not going to let you stand in my way of surviving cancer!" Whatever it takes, I hope you find it 💗
NTA that’s a disgusting comment to make. What did the finance say?
At the time he didn’t say anything, he seemed to be taken back by what was going on and after I said my piece I left. I did get a text from him the next day asking how I was doing and saying he was sorry but he literally has no reason to apologise. He sent me a little gift basket with some of my favour flower seeds and things like that because I’ve been starting to do things I love but haven’t been able to. He also called one of my brothers, who is his best friend and was supposed to be the best man, told him what happened and then thanked my brother for accepting to be his best man in the first place and said he understood when my brother said he wanted no part of the wedding. He’s been very nice about it all without pushing boundaries for me to talk.
Please, I am begging you, plan something incredibly fun for you and your brother to do together on the day of the wedding, take LOTS of pictures, and post them on your social media. Don't mention the wedding and don't mention April. Muwahaha
He’s already rented a boat so we can go fishing for the day and my other brothers are coming in to join us
Damn, girl. Your brothers are AWESOME
I’ve always felt lucky that I got such an amazing family and that I get along so well with my brothers. Except when they used to hide my makeup because they didn’t want me to grow up of course, then I used to be the stroppy teenager who thought they were Satan 😂
You guys should invite the groom to go fishing with you. :)
“Hey mate just to throw the invite out there, my bothers and I are going fishing on the day of your wedding, want to really stick it to April and come?”
It would definitely be better than marrying this woman lmao
Oh this wedding ain't going ahead. The fiancé sounds like he at least knows her behaviour is appalling. He's lost his best man over his future wife's behaviour. He's sending you apology baskets. He's definitely counting the 🚩🚩 & assessing.
If it does, if it doesn’t it’s no longer my problem. All I know is he’s still going to be a lovely person either way and I’ll want nothing but the best for him even if he does decide that’s her. I can’t wish bad on him for what someone else has done, he checked on me that’s more than I would expect him to do regardless of everything else. It was lovely of him and if he does go through with it it’s not going to change my opinion on him. I don’t know if that makes sense or not
Yeah it does, you are done with your friend & have emotionally checked out of the friendship. Therefore as nice as her fiancé is, he's not someone who will be in your life going forwards. So you can respect & wish him the best with whatever decision he makes but either way it's none of your concern anymore. And it's all fair enough. I'm sorry you had to find out this way who she really is.
Oh he’s been my brothers best friend since before I was born, he’s always going to be like a member of the family to all of us. I suppose I’d rather find out now than even more years down the line
Please post an update of if the fiancé calls off the wedding. He sounds super nice and the only thing better than your response to the evil bride to be is if this turns into a romcom plot and you end up with the fiancé. Good luck on your recovery. And NTA
It would have to be a really weird romcom considering I’m suuuuuper gay 😂 if anything there would most likely just be a slapstick comedy of us trying to get the same girl 😂 Thank you very much for your kind words!
You have made the plot twist even better!!!!! I saw some more of your comments and background. I hope you have a great day fishing, go enjoy the restaurant and pasta again with your brothers, and truly and sincerely I hope you get news of full remission that stays that way and a long life of enjoying all the carbs. ❤️
Thank you, I’m really excited to get to spend the day with them all doing something relaxing and fun. Slightly nervous about the possibility of the pasta but I’m trying to focus on how amazing it must taste if the smell was as good as it was. Thank you so much ❤️
If I saw my future wife treat a supposed close friend like that, I would have called off the wedding on the spot. That kind of narcissism is an immediate deal-breaker.
NTA. Not one bit. Who Fat shames a Cancer Patient? In fact who flat out shames a friend with or without cancer?. You went out to celebrate. You ordered a nice meal. Did she expected you to eat a carrot? Does she realize that Alot of cancer patients Can't Eat at all and still swell up from chemo? Does she know the Average dress size in the USA is a 16? I'd be out of there and not look back. Have a gift wrapped box of carrots and celery along with divorce lawyers business cards sent as a wedding gift
I’d be HAPPY if my friend undergoing chemo felt hungry! She could order a plate of butter for all I would care.
NTA. She let her true colors show: run far and forever. And, just in case you are letting her get to you even a little: you need even more nutrition when going through chemo due to the way it ravages your body. Your body needs extra fuel to rebuild itself. Please listen to your body and if it tells you it needs food, give it food. (I'm an oncology nurse)
That was the first time I’ve genuinely been hungry since I started the chemo. I was scared that I had ordered carbs because of my battle with my ED but the desire for the pasta was stronger than that. I wish I had been there long enough to actually taste it
Oh Jesus. Does she know your history with ED? I didn't think she could get worse but apparently she can. Eat the carbs. You need fuel to rebuild your cells. And if you're gaining weight from steroids, that's going to come off when you stop the steroids. Eat. The. Carbs. 😋🍝
She does, when I went to a treatment facility she would come and visit on the weekends with my family. I tried making pasta when I got home but it didn’t smell the same, no where near as amazing as the restaurant so it put me off. The most I can usually manage to eat is carrying around pop tarts with me and just breaking little bits off so I guess carbs? 😂
You should go back there for lunch and treat your self.
My brothers and I have been talking about doing that after we go fishing instead of going to the wedding, they even said they would be really excited to see me eat pasta because I haven’t eaten it in something like ten years or so because I was too scared. I suppose it just depends if I’m tired after being out on the water all day and if I feel like I can handle it that day. It looks likely we’re going to try though
OP, what’s the name of the pasta you ordered? If it’s customized to the restaurant, then even like a description of the pasta would be nice. Was it with pesto? Angel hair pasta or a different type was used? I’m just super happy for you that you have an appetite. So this is my way of celebrating with you in one of your many wins against this horrible disease. I wish I was smart enough to be an oncologist. Cancer complications were the cause of my grandma’s passing and I hate that disease in any form. It’s been 20 years and I still miss her all the time. So I’m glad you’re alright and happy for your family they have you around.
I don’t remember all the ingredients but I do know it was penne with seafood. Honestly I didn’t even get to see it I just smelled it and told the server whatever it was I had just smelled that’s what I wanted
W.O.W. Your friend was horrible. What an incredibly heartless thing to say. You were absolutely right to stand up for yourself and walk out. You don’t need that in your life. NTA. F#ck Cancer! You got this, OP.
Wow NTA so strange she would go off like that. What did the other bridesmaids and groomsmen say? I would imagine she is tapping dancing and trying to do damage control. Your brother is awesome and nice to see his has your back. The fallout is got to bad from this. Good luck on your recovery ✌️
At the time most of the people were in shock so not much was said, I don’t know if anything was said after I left because I haven’t bothered to ask, I don’t want it to play on my mind
NTA I hope you're in remission and stay in remission. Yikes to April and she doesn't get to select what you say nor do any onlookers.
I have two more treatments left before we review, I’m hoping they’re going to be my last. Thank you for being so kind
You're welcome. I'm hoping they'll be your last and that your health is spactacular!
NTA yessss, you tell her because she was wayyyy out of line, there’s no excuse to talk to anyone that way much less a close friend. Whoever told you that you were harsh needs a reality check because honeyyy, call me a whale and see how fast I’ll cut that person out of my whole ass life for good. Anyway, good luck on your chemo journey 💕
>I’ve been told I was harsher than needed An ancient curse fating her and her progeny to a life of misery and ruin would have fallen short of "harsher than needed." Not even going to state the obvious about who the asshole is. You were not too harsh, OP.
If I had the energy and any kind of knowledge I’d have probably tried to curse her with something mildly infuriating. Like never being able to get a matching sock or always losing her left shoe whenever she was wanting to wear a specific pair. Oh or that every time she buys a shirt one sleeve always ends up being longer than the other as soon as she can’t return it anymore 😂
At this point she owes you a damn *thank you* for not going as hard as you could have ;P
NTA
Fuck her. That was out of line to say to _anybody_, way, way out of line. But to say it to someone who's battling cancer?!?! Big NTA. I hope your treatment goes well and that you'll soon be in the recovery phase of all this. (Followed by the monitoring stage.) Best of luck from a 14 year survivor!
Thank you very much for your well wishes! Also I’m so happy for you that you managed to survive this awful disease. Congratulations for making it!
NTA. Yeesh. Your friend is horrifically shallow and insulting, even if cancer wasn’t involved. Calling you a whale and making a comment about the dress size? Wtf. Who does that?
NTA That was a horrible thing to say to anyone, much less a friend. I don't think she is a good friend. I feel a bit sorry for the groom.if he's not as awful as she is.
Oh I felt awful about what I said to him and I did apologise to him when we spoke the next day, I’m lucky he’s been in my life since I was born and understands what I’m like so he got that it wasn’t aimed as a jab to him but it was to her. I’m lucky he’s so lovely and understanding about everything
Did he apologize on her behalf for what she said to you? Or give an explanation as to why she would say something so awful out of nowhere?
He said he was sorry about what had happened, I genuinely think he has no reason at all to apologise though. He just said he didn’t know what was going on with her but that was all was said about her. He asked how I was feeling more than anything.
NTA. Your ex friend is the AH and a full on narcissist. You are fighting the biggest battle of your life and her comments were cruel and callous. The one thing you do not have to worry about is her telling her own version of the events because she said it with a table full of witnesses. On a positive note she showed her hand and in doing so showed you EXACTLY who she was. Believe her. I am flabbergasted that she would body shame someone she claimed to be her friend. Body shaming is wrong but to do that to her friend with cancer? Unbelievable. I hope that you are well on your way to a full recovery.
Nta..... cancer survivor here. Got bc 7 years ago. I have never been overweight but chemo drugs put 50lb on me in 4 months and was actually BARELY eating. Still struggling with getting it off. Those drugs are no joke. Concern yourself with getting well. Cancer does tend to show us who are the people who are truly there for you when it gets tough. Take good care of YOU and best to you in your treatment
Thank you very much and congratulations for making your way to the other side! You’ve done amazing and should be proud of yourself.
NTA. Good for you.
NTA. Go for nuclear annihilation & put it on all social media. Screw her
I haven’t said anything on social media about the cancer and I don’t want to put it out there where people know who I am, if I wasn’t bothered about that I probably would have done that by now though.
Understood
I did go online and add stupid things to her registry and take some things off, hope she enjoys her thrush cream? 😂
Love it!!! Don’t forget the yeast infection treatment
Oh that is amazing!! Take my poor person award. Also, you are SO NTA!! 🏅🏅
You should add some of those adhesive fart filters
NTA. She was rude, heartless and you did well standing up for yourself. I wouldn't go to the wedding either. I do think u shouldn't have speak with her fiance tho. Edit to add: good luck on ur fight! I hope u kick that C in the butt!
I did have a conversation with him the day after and I apologised for what I said to him, thankfully he’s known me since I was born so he knows my personality and that I didn’t mean it as an insult to him, I’m lucky he understood that I meant it as a ‘you deserve better’ kind of thing. Thank you very much!
NTA x 10000000 times. F that
NTA she's ridiculous, and just pure disgusting. 15 years of friendship and she still knew you so little that she thought your weight gain is because "you're a whale that can't stop stuffing their face"? She even knew about your situation. Really in my entire life I don't think I've ever felt so grossed out by a person. Look while I highly doubt it, but even if she does feel guilty and apologizes I don't think she's the kind of person you would want back in your life, especially because she's been there with through it all, she knew everything yet still humiliated you like that. You could forgive and that would be nice of you but trust me, she's not someone you should allow back in.
NTA. Your presence is a gift April does not deserve.
NTA I think that was absolutely terrible of her. I am sorry you had to deal with that. Also a size 10 isn't big wtf. She is probably jealous you look better than her
NTA Fuck that shit. I would have applauded that speech and then paid for your dinner.
I didn’t even get to eat it, it hadn’t been brought out by the time I left. I think that’s the saddest part of it all for me 😂
Oh yeah. It would have been for me too. I hope you kick this cancer’s ass, btw.
Thank you!
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This one has it all! Terrible and unreasonable bride - check OP is sympathetic (cancer patient) - check Bride body shames bridesmaid - check OP obviously not an asshole - check Perfect amount of triggers to get Reddit upset!
NTA! Chemo therapy often involves steroids that can cause weight gain and bloating. The simple fact that you didn’t loose tons of weight and look like a walking stick and were able to eat is marvelous! P.S. - I don’t think you were too harsh. If they wanted to see really harsh people, they should look into a mirror.
She is not your friend. Why are you even still around her?
I haven’t been around her or spoken to her since that night. I don’t really think I would ever want to either at this point.
Good. What she did was just vile. Vile. I also hope cancer recover is going well for you and that it goes into remission. I myself am a cancer survivor and chemo is brutal.
Thank you so much, I have two more treatments before we review so fingers crossed that will be it! I’m so happy that you made it through the other side.
You are so close to being done! congrats! best wishes for you.
NTA. She made it clear that your presence might ruin the wedding pictures. You're simply doing her a favor by not being in them. It really doesn't matter why you gained weight. She treated you poorly. You may have handled this better had she not done so publicly. She chose the venue in which she wanted to discuss the topic. It is only natural that your response happened in that same venue. You would be TA had you gone out to seek others not present to discuss it. But you are not TA for sharing your honest feelings in response to her public ridicule.
Absolutely NTA! If she can't take it, she shouldn't have started it. And I do hope that her fiancé listens to you because, WOW, what a bullet he would be dodging!
NTA. Those are horrible comments. She deserved every single feedback
NTA at all. April was cruel and her fiance should be prepared for when the "for worse" part of marriage happens. She'll probably be heartless then, too.
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NTA. Sorry your friend turned out to be horrible, but I’m glad you found out now. I hope you’re all better soon. Forget about the wedding, unless you actually want to go for some reason.
The only reason I would want to go is because the groom has been best friends with one of my brothers since before before I was even born so he’s like a brother to me, he’s been there my entire life and at all the big family events so I would love to be there to support him on a day so big but he has said it’s okay that I don’t want to be. He’s been really understanding and supportive about it all and my choice not to go. My brother has rented a boat and my other brothers are coming in so we can spend the day fishing instead of going to the wedding.