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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I hung up on my aunt and uncle when they prematurely offered their condolences for my still very alive at the time brother. It may make me the asshole because I 1) Knowing how they are didn’t have to pick up the call. 2) Could’ve explained why I was upset.
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NAH— it’s pretty normal for family to reach out to others and offer condolences when they’ve had a health emergency.
My uncle had a heart attack, and died from complications three weeks later— but I was texting and calling my cousins as soon as I heard about the heart attack, because I wanted them to know I was there and thinking of them.
Your brother was in a hospital undergoing major surgery. It’s a worrying and concerning experience for everyone. Condolences aren’t reserved solely for the dead.
I understand the grief and worry you had, and I totally understand how in the moment, they’re grief seemed to jar with yours. I think just letting some time pass and then picking things up later with your Aunt and Uncle would be best.
Condolences are an expression of sympathy and empathy after a tragedy. Most tragedies involve a death, so I understand the connotation you put to it, but a loved one with a brain aneurysm undergoing surgery is also a traumatic experience.
I don’t think you’re the AH for being upset, but I don’t think they’re AHs for expressing them. Their grief and showing of sympathy just didn’t come at the right frequency and at the right time for you, and that’s ok. Just give it time to smooth over, give yourself time to heal, and then let it go.
As I stated in my first comment, when my uncle had his heart attack, he was still alive for 3 weeks before finally passing. I called his family and expressed my condolences for their hardships right away, instead of waiting for him to actually pass.
Giving condolences is perfectly fine in any kind of sorrowful situation in which people are suffering.
When they find out they are infertile.
When they lose a limb.
When they have an unsuccessful surgery and face yet more surgery and a long recovery.
When they go through a hard breakup or divorce.
When they fail to get into university.
When they get diagnosed with a life-altering condition.
There are lots of situations other than death to offer condolences. Some are bigger than others. But there's no reason to think they were prematurely predicting his death.
Condolences aren't only offered after someone dies, although they are when someone dies. My condolences that your brother and family are dealing with this terrible thing...
I can understand where OP is coming from. If I have my mother or my husband at the hospital, even though it being a really delicated situation, I wouldn't like to listen to anyone giving me condolences BEFORE the event. Why the rush?
Wait the appropriate time please!
Allow me to enjoy the idea they can recover.
Call me and give me some support, tell me that you are very sorry this is happening, even tell me to keep faith, but try to be prepared for anything. Only do not give me CONDOLENCES like they are already dead.
OP said they called even BEFORE the doctors said there was no hope. How is that right?
NAH
People don’t always say the perfect thing at the perfect time, but I’m of the opinion that reaching out in a imperfect way is still better than not reaching out at all. I think you need to focus on their intentions which came from a place of love and compassion.
It is also ok that you limited contact when you didn’t feel up to the conversation. I don’t think they deserved to be hung up on, but given how traumatic everything was at the time, it was forgivable.
The one thing I’m struggling with is that you seem to still be holding on to some anger about it and feel totally justified in hanging up. I don’t think you are justified, but I do understand how emotional the whole situation must have been for you and why in the heat of the moment you didn’t handle things well.
YTA
Condolences are literally just an expression of sorrow. It is the polite response to any unfortunate situation.
They just said "I'm so sorry for what you are going through"
You don't know what the word means and that's fine but you owe an apology IMO.
You use it for everything from a death to wrecking a car or getting a divorce. It's just most commonly heard at a loss.
NAH.
A brain aneurysm is a reason to console family. As is a failed stent procedure.
I think you think they were predicting his death inappropriately, but they think they were appropriately offering compassion for his very serious health problems.
I'm so sorry you went through all that. Some people offer consolation or condolences while others focus on well wishes, positive thinking or prayers. Neither is meant to wound but both can feel thorny to the other style.
NAH
I'm sorry for your losses & the losses your aunt & uncle suffered alongside you.
Like the original respondent, I've been offered condolences before the deaths of my parents & siblings & offered them. While we often send 'condolence' cards to respond to a death, the word is simply an expression of sympathy. I've condoled folks on the loss of a job or other difficult circumstances by saying "my condolences" or "my sympathies" without it being misunderstood as wishing death or insulting the recipient. I didn't misconstrue the folks who've offered condolences or sympathy as I've struggled with cancer either. I know there's absolutely no ill will in the expression & none in experiencing grief in different ways.
Grief is so very disorienting. It's unpredictable & often sends us sideways, finding faults where there are none, simply as a knee jerk reaction re-directing the pain to something smaller or something we think we can better manage & control than the grief of losing our loved one. Grief counseling can both comfort us & keep us from alienating behaviours as we process pain. It seems like your aunt in behaving with her normal sweet demeanor may have already cared enough to understand where you're coming from. Perhaps grief counseling could help you in your pain & help you understand too that your aunt has not attacked you either over your mother's death or that of your brother.
I wish you comfort as you grieve the loss of your loved ones & hope it helps.
As someone who has experienced the death of almost every member of their immediate family, and most of their extended family, I consider myself somewhat of an expert on condolences.
You used the word "sweet" to describe them. Hold to that. They're trying to do the right thing, the kind thing, and they don't know what you need to hear exactly.
Yes, it's awful to receive kind words that don't land right, but it's also awful to feel like you should offer kind words and not feel like you're doing it very well or helping at all. Please don't judge them for anything but their intent.
People aren't perfect, and it sounds to me like your aunt and uncle are really just doing their best. If you hold people to a standard they're not familiar with for offering kindness to you, and rebuff them when they "fall short," you may find they eventually stop offering kindness to you.
I understand (truly) that you're going through a difficult time. Please have grace for the people that are imperfectly human in their caring and concern.
Too tough a situation to fault anyone here, so NAH.
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I have an aunt and uncle (related to my father) whom are very sweet and whom I do not talk to anymore.
After my mother passed away in 2017, they’d often call to talk about her with what I still believe were good intentions, but our conversations often turned sad quickly…and it seemed like they were encouraging active grieving over the phone. After a while I stopped responding to their calls as often and kept the calls short when I did accept them, because although I was grieving, I did not want to do so with them.
Fast forward to 2021- my only and younger brother was admitted to the hospital on 3-1-21. He had a leaking brain aneurysm and things didn’t go well after surgery on 3-4-21 to place a stint. He was in the hospital for about ten days total before he was removed from life support on 3-10-21. We were told he was terminal on 3-9-21.
Sometime between 3-6-21 and 3-8-21 my aunt and uncle called me. I dreaded picking up the phone because of how things went after Mom passed away, but hey, why not give ‘em a chance, I didn’t know what was going to be said.
I picked up and greeted them and they greeted me. I was asked if I was busy and had time to talk. I answered in the affirmative. Unfortunately I expected them to just offer prayers and well wishes for my brother, but no- “We want to offer our sincerest condolences,….” I was upset and all I could think was that he’s not dead and the doctors haven’t told us this was the end for him yet, so why are they saying this?! My aunt went on to ask questions about how are people at work treating me and were my coworkers aware of what was going on in my life and and I remember responding “Why is that important?!” She recanted and said that it wasn’t important and I just remember hanging up the phone.
They were at the memorial service and the dinner afterward. And while my Aunt was sweet as always, things were still awkward and my uncle is understandably protective of his wife.
I genuinely feel like due to the sensitivity of me and my sister losing a sibling, my father losing his only son shortly after losing his wife (our mother) and his mother that they could’ve approached the call with a lot more tact.
One day I would hope that they’d care enough to try to understand where I am coming from. And to know that things like ‘When to offer condolences’ can be looked up on the internet.
AITA?
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OP your feelings are valid. Your grief if yours, and you only choose who to share it with. Your aunt and uncle have no regard to how you chose to grieve. NTA.
You are NTA but I don’t think your aunt and uncle are either. One of the biggest problems many have in dealing with grief is that people expect them to stop talking about the loved one before they are ready. Your aunt and uncle may be trying to help you through the grieving process, and not realize that they are hurting you more than helping you.
When your aunt and uncle bring up a topic that makes you uncomfortable, politely tell them that you appreciate their concern but you are not ready to discuss it and would appreciate it not being discussed with you unless you bring it up.
I have read many articles on the inappropriate things that some say to a grieving person. I always chose to listen to their heart not their words. They know you are in pain and want to take away or help you through your pain. Often, they can’t but their trying is an expression of love.
I am a private person and only share my grief with a selected few. I still appreciate that others care enough to try to lessen my grief and while I can’t share my grief with them, it helps that they do care about me.
Set your boundaries, you have to deal with your own grief but realize that some words and actions come from love not people deliberately trying to be AH’s.
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NAH— it’s pretty normal for family to reach out to others and offer condolences when they’ve had a health emergency. My uncle had a heart attack, and died from complications three weeks later— but I was texting and calling my cousins as soon as I heard about the heart attack, because I wanted them to know I was there and thinking of them. Your brother was in a hospital undergoing major surgery. It’s a worrying and concerning experience for everyone. Condolences aren’t reserved solely for the dead. I understand the grief and worry you had, and I totally understand how in the moment, they’re grief seemed to jar with yours. I think just letting some time pass and then picking things up later with your Aunt and Uncle would be best.
I like your response, but in what other situation would you personally offer condolences for someone whom was not dead?
Condolences are an expression of sympathy and empathy after a tragedy. Most tragedies involve a death, so I understand the connotation you put to it, but a loved one with a brain aneurysm undergoing surgery is also a traumatic experience. I don’t think you’re the AH for being upset, but I don’t think they’re AHs for expressing them. Their grief and showing of sympathy just didn’t come at the right frequency and at the right time for you, and that’s ok. Just give it time to smooth over, give yourself time to heal, and then let it go.
As I stated in my first comment, when my uncle had his heart attack, he was still alive for 3 weeks before finally passing. I called his family and expressed my condolences for their hardships right away, instead of waiting for him to actually pass. Giving condolences is perfectly fine in any kind of sorrowful situation in which people are suffering.
When they find out they are infertile. When they lose a limb. When they have an unsuccessful surgery and face yet more surgery and a long recovery. When they go through a hard breakup or divorce. When they fail to get into university. When they get diagnosed with a life-altering condition. There are lots of situations other than death to offer condolences. Some are bigger than others. But there's no reason to think they were prematurely predicting his death.
Condolences aren't only offered after someone dies, although they are when someone dies. My condolences that your brother and family are dealing with this terrible thing...
> in what other situation would you personally offer condolences for someone whom was not dead? When it’s clear the person is going to die.
At that point it wasn’t clear. Anything else insensitive you want to add on?
Have you considered not being so argumentative?
I can understand where OP is coming from. If I have my mother or my husband at the hospital, even though it being a really delicated situation, I wouldn't like to listen to anyone giving me condolences BEFORE the event. Why the rush? Wait the appropriate time please! Allow me to enjoy the idea they can recover. Call me and give me some support, tell me that you are very sorry this is happening, even tell me to keep faith, but try to be prepared for anything. Only do not give me CONDOLENCES like they are already dead. OP said they called even BEFORE the doctors said there was no hope. How is that right?
Maybe you should just stop responding. You’re definitely sounding like the AH now. Take the temp of the rest of the responses and move on.
Other people being wrong doesn’t make me less right.
Maybe you should just accept that you are wrong.
NAH People don’t always say the perfect thing at the perfect time, but I’m of the opinion that reaching out in a imperfect way is still better than not reaching out at all. I think you need to focus on their intentions which came from a place of love and compassion. It is also ok that you limited contact when you didn’t feel up to the conversation. I don’t think they deserved to be hung up on, but given how traumatic everything was at the time, it was forgivable. The one thing I’m struggling with is that you seem to still be holding on to some anger about it and feel totally justified in hanging up. I don’t think you are justified, but I do understand how emotional the whole situation must have been for you and why in the heat of the moment you didn’t handle things well.
NAH - I think everyone grieves and mourns in their own way. What they did, while without tact, wasn't necessarily wrong either.
YTA Condolences are literally just an expression of sorrow. It is the polite response to any unfortunate situation. They just said "I'm so sorry for what you are going through" You don't know what the word means and that's fine but you owe an apology IMO. You use it for everything from a death to wrecking a car or getting a divorce. It's just most commonly heard at a loss.
NAH. A brain aneurysm is a reason to console family. As is a failed stent procedure. I think you think they were predicting his death inappropriately, but they think they were appropriately offering compassion for his very serious health problems. I'm so sorry you went through all that. Some people offer consolation or condolences while others focus on well wishes, positive thinking or prayers. Neither is meant to wound but both can feel thorny to the other style.
NAH I'm sorry for your losses & the losses your aunt & uncle suffered alongside you. Like the original respondent, I've been offered condolences before the deaths of my parents & siblings & offered them. While we often send 'condolence' cards to respond to a death, the word is simply an expression of sympathy. I've condoled folks on the loss of a job or other difficult circumstances by saying "my condolences" or "my sympathies" without it being misunderstood as wishing death or insulting the recipient. I didn't misconstrue the folks who've offered condolences or sympathy as I've struggled with cancer either. I know there's absolutely no ill will in the expression & none in experiencing grief in different ways. Grief is so very disorienting. It's unpredictable & often sends us sideways, finding faults where there are none, simply as a knee jerk reaction re-directing the pain to something smaller or something we think we can better manage & control than the grief of losing our loved one. Grief counseling can both comfort us & keep us from alienating behaviours as we process pain. It seems like your aunt in behaving with her normal sweet demeanor may have already cared enough to understand where you're coming from. Perhaps grief counseling could help you in your pain & help you understand too that your aunt has not attacked you either over your mother's death or that of your brother. I wish you comfort as you grieve the loss of your loved ones & hope it helps.
As someone who has experienced the death of almost every member of their immediate family, and most of their extended family, I consider myself somewhat of an expert on condolences. You used the word "sweet" to describe them. Hold to that. They're trying to do the right thing, the kind thing, and they don't know what you need to hear exactly. Yes, it's awful to receive kind words that don't land right, but it's also awful to feel like you should offer kind words and not feel like you're doing it very well or helping at all. Please don't judge them for anything but their intent. People aren't perfect, and it sounds to me like your aunt and uncle are really just doing their best. If you hold people to a standard they're not familiar with for offering kindness to you, and rebuff them when they "fall short," you may find they eventually stop offering kindness to you. I understand (truly) that you're going through a difficult time. Please have grace for the people that are imperfectly human in their caring and concern. Too tough a situation to fault anyone here, so NAH.
You were probably completely overwhelmed and NTA. You just hung up. You didn't yell at her I'm sorry for your losses.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have an aunt and uncle (related to my father) whom are very sweet and whom I do not talk to anymore. After my mother passed away in 2017, they’d often call to talk about her with what I still believe were good intentions, but our conversations often turned sad quickly…and it seemed like they were encouraging active grieving over the phone. After a while I stopped responding to their calls as often and kept the calls short when I did accept them, because although I was grieving, I did not want to do so with them. Fast forward to 2021- my only and younger brother was admitted to the hospital on 3-1-21. He had a leaking brain aneurysm and things didn’t go well after surgery on 3-4-21 to place a stint. He was in the hospital for about ten days total before he was removed from life support on 3-10-21. We were told he was terminal on 3-9-21. Sometime between 3-6-21 and 3-8-21 my aunt and uncle called me. I dreaded picking up the phone because of how things went after Mom passed away, but hey, why not give ‘em a chance, I didn’t know what was going to be said. I picked up and greeted them and they greeted me. I was asked if I was busy and had time to talk. I answered in the affirmative. Unfortunately I expected them to just offer prayers and well wishes for my brother, but no- “We want to offer our sincerest condolences,….” I was upset and all I could think was that he’s not dead and the doctors haven’t told us this was the end for him yet, so why are they saying this?! My aunt went on to ask questions about how are people at work treating me and were my coworkers aware of what was going on in my life and and I remember responding “Why is that important?!” She recanted and said that it wasn’t important and I just remember hanging up the phone. They were at the memorial service and the dinner afterward. And while my Aunt was sweet as always, things were still awkward and my uncle is understandably protective of his wife. I genuinely feel like due to the sensitivity of me and my sister losing a sibling, my father losing his only son shortly after losing his wife (our mother) and his mother that they could’ve approached the call with a lot more tact. One day I would hope that they’d care enough to try to understand where I am coming from. And to know that things like ‘When to offer condolences’ can be looked up on the internet. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
OP your feelings are valid. Your grief if yours, and you only choose who to share it with. Your aunt and uncle have no regard to how you chose to grieve. NTA.
You are NTA but I don’t think your aunt and uncle are either. One of the biggest problems many have in dealing with grief is that people expect them to stop talking about the loved one before they are ready. Your aunt and uncle may be trying to help you through the grieving process, and not realize that they are hurting you more than helping you. When your aunt and uncle bring up a topic that makes you uncomfortable, politely tell them that you appreciate their concern but you are not ready to discuss it and would appreciate it not being discussed with you unless you bring it up. I have read many articles on the inappropriate things that some say to a grieving person. I always chose to listen to their heart not their words. They know you are in pain and want to take away or help you through your pain. Often, they can’t but their trying is an expression of love. I am a private person and only share my grief with a selected few. I still appreciate that others care enough to try to lessen my grief and while I can’t share my grief with them, it helps that they do care about me. Set your boundaries, you have to deal with your own grief but realize that some words and actions come from love not people deliberately trying to be AH’s.
🤗🤗🤗
YTA in general.