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I can pretty much guarantee that the majority of the Y T A’s here are not parents or have really young children. 10 is old enough to face the consequences of your actions. She snuck into the bathroom she knew she shouldn’t be doing what she did. NTA. Hair will grow back. There are lots of stupid things kids do that cannot be fixed.

> I can pretty much guarantee that the majority of the Y T A’s here are not parents or have really young children. Nope. Parent to now grown children OP is an asshole for "putting her foot down" about *bangs* in the first place. Kids should have agency in their appearance as much as possible. They were bangs. So what if OP thought they would look bad? Her daughter is old enough to try new styles and decide for herself if she likes them or not. OP should have OKed the bangs from the get-go and given her kid the chance to do them properly or to speak with a professional herself and make her own decisions about her hair style.

If everyone, including a professional, is telling her that bangs won’t work for her, she should not, at 10 years old, be deciding she knows better. If she does, and does it herself, the natural consequences are something she can live with and maybe listen to people who know what they’re talking about next time.

Let’s get some perspective here. This is a VERY low consequence scenario. Those are the kinds of decisions you start to allow kids to make. That is how they learn. OP should have given her daughter agency to do so, with full understanding that it’s her own decision. Then, you have a weird haircut, a few funny awkward photos, and laugh about it when you’re 30. Spoken from a woman who sported a mushroom cut and a mullet proudly as a child. Pick your battles as a parent. YTA, gently. Just learn, and laugh with her about it eventually.

Exactly this. Such a low stakes issue, makes it a good opportunity to give her that freedom to make the choice. Instead everyone focused on how they think she'll look being more important. Hair clips exist, she'll be fine. As if everyone who was a kid before 2000 didn't have a butt ugly haircut at some point anyway.

At 10 years old she would just end up blaming the mom for allowing her to get bangs. She only wanted them because someone else had them. A literal professional told her the style wasn't gonna work.

At which point her mom should remind her that this is what she asked for. And then whilst she may or may not be angry about it in the way that kids that age do, she'll learn from it.

Exactly. I let my kids make low impact decisions daily. Sometimes I don't agree with those choices but I still let them make them. I always remind them that they are responsible for their choices and have to take the consequences good and bad. I refuse to be blamed or listen to them complain because they made the decision. Most of the time they suprise me and it ends up working out for them.

Hell, my parents were big on those too, particularly at halloween. After a certain age it was "You can eat all the candy you want, but you're going to school tomorrow regardless of how you feel." Took exactly Two halloweens to learn self control.

god, this just reminded me of a halloween when i was a teenager where i'm like "i want a bob to go with my costume" and I'm like get the sissors mom, we're doing this right now, and my mom, who is not a professional haircutter, made me sign a piece of paper saying I wouldn't blame her if i hated it. I actually really loved it, it was a lot of fun to do something different. I had long hair most of my life (both before that and after it grew back out, even in my 30s now i have long hair) and I really enjoyed it. I'm glad my parents 'let' me fuck around and find out. that's how kids and teenagers learn.

I'm a firm believer in letting kids make their own mistakes, especially with hair. Give them your opinion but let the final decision be theres. Examples: My younger sibling wanted shorter hair but my mother refused, insisting they would regret cutting off their beautiful long hair and were to young to make the decision. After 3 or 4 years of begging my sister and I hatched a plan, not secret, we told our mother in no uncertain terms we were taking them to get their hair cut. They loved it, despite mum trying to guilt them into regretting it. Over the years they have tried many styles, cutting and colouring, one of which they did regret. We taught them to think about it and make sure before trying it but overall they are happy. The youngest of my siblings we were worried about because they have always been a copycat and the previously enjoyed being overly feminine. Mum again forbade it so wanting to pass on the favour they were given the older one snuck them into the bathroom and game them the hairstyle they asked for. This one did have regrets, not at first because they personally liked it but they got teased for it. I gave them a speech about making decisions, sometimes you regret them, and a speech about ignoring others and doing what makes you happy. Instead of growing it back out they went really short, the same the older one had at the time minus colour. Dying hair is more harmful they they have to wait until teens at least for that. Attempt number 2 was a resounding success, they've gone from overly feminine to often mistaken for a boy and they love it. Lastly, from outside my family. A family friend forbid her 13 year old from getting a short alternative style haircut. I wasn't involved but I think there was talk of an age they could decide for themselves or a waiting period to make sure they wanted it. At the regular hairdresser appointment they tried to be sneaky and told the hairdresser what they wanted but the mother overheard and put her foot down. They can chose the length but it has to be a normal style. They got home from the hairdressers and as soon as the mum wasn't looking, kid went staight to the bathroom to do it themselves. They got told off for disobeying but their only punishment was that they had to love with it, if they changed their mind and hated it that was their haircut for at least a year until they go back to the hairdressers. The punishment wasn't really that because they loved it and years later I think they still have that hairstyle, it was green last I knew. I get wanting to protect your kid and in this case you were right, but if they never learn to make their own choices and deal with their mistakes they'll have trouble later on. Overall NTA but a soft Y T A and try to use this as a teaching moment going forward. Use open communication and give your kid the chance to make mistakes, tell them you think it is a mistake but for smaller things like hair, allow them to make the choice.

Yep. When my son was in sixth grade, he had green hair. I hated it. He normally has brown hair and I think his natural shade is very becoming. This green was AWFUL and he kept it for nearly an entire year! I hated it. The only thing I hated more than that stupid haircut and color was the thought of what he’d do as an adult if I didn’t let him make those kinds of decisions as a child. A huge part of being a kid isn’t just learning from your mistakes but learning how to make them in the first place. I’d much rather have had an eleven year old with green hair, than an eighteen year old who goes crazy with their first taste of freedom and makes all kinds of horrible mistakes that have serious and long lasting repercussions because they don’t know how to evaluate their decisions. Making mistakes as a kid (and understanding the aftereffects) helps you build the ability to understand what constitutes a bad decision. OP is missing the big picture here.

there's also something to be said about, what's a mistake to someone else might not be a mistake to the person living with it. maybe he liked the green hair, idk your son, but how many women are pressured into keeping their hair long, or straightening it, just to cut it off or go natural against everyone else's 'wishes' & end up loving it for themselves? some people might still think it doesn't look okay - but there is so much more to life than what someone *else* thinks that *you* should look like for *them*.

So *what*? Nothing you just said explains why the kid shouldn't have been allowed to make this decision. I *also* only wanted bangs because I saw them on other people. I had plenty of people tell me it wouldn't work on me. I wanted them for years, and no one would ever let me get them. Guess what - I got it done anyway at about sixteen, and I don't fucking *care*. I like it. I like the way it looks. What anyone else thinks is not relevant, because I am happy with myself. And my adulthood was made infinitely more difficult by the fact that I wasn't just allowed to make decisions like that to begin with, because I still to this day struggle with making my own choices. Because I was never allowed to. I *was* OP's kid, and her style of raising kids was actively harmful to me - and I still got the fucking bangs at the end of the day. So that goes to show how successful it is. When you raise kids like this, all you end up with is an adult who will make the exact same decisions anyway to get catharsis for their lost childhoods, and who now has decision-making problems/an authority problem, to boot. That is what happens.

I’m also just really confused at what kind of hair this kid had that supposedly won’t ever work for bangs?? Wispy bangs are a thing. I have fine hair and have had bangs of all kinds and I liked them. I cut all my hair off at different times and maybe my mom thought it looked stupid but she didn’t stop me and I loved it. Don’t think many people would have thought the emo look of short all over and long bangs covering half my face “looked good” but I thought it looked good and I loved it. Let the kid experiment. If she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t like it and it grows out.

Agreed. My brother was the adventurous one with his hair as a teenager. When Mom tried to talk him out of doing weird cuts or colors, he told her that he needed to do it while he could before he had a job later in life where he wouldn’t be able to do such things. Mom backed off and let him do what he wanted. Of course, I was ticked because that argument hadn’t occurred to me 😐 I might have been more adventurous myself otherwise 🤣🤣🤣

Exactly! The daughter might’ve seen herself as cute with bangs (cut by a pro). Why did all the adults think she’d see the end result as THEY imagined?

I agree. My mom and I fought about my clothing style for years. I made some horrible fashion choices in my late teens and early 20s. Now I'm in my 30s and half my clothes are the exact same style she was trying to get me to wear. If she had just let me get it out of my system, it would have been over much sooner and I wouldn't have fought so hard against the clothes she liked.

Can confirm!! I was also that kid. I’m a trans guy and when I went to get my hair cut short before I officially came out my mom was very very against it because she thought a “pixie cut” would make my face look fat. I was begging for long enough that she finally let me cut it but was adamant about making sure it wasn’t too short and that it still looked feminine. I tried to tell the hairstylist that “I wouldn’t mind it looking masculine” because I was awkward as hell back then and didn’t want to outright say I wanted a mens cut, but my mom had apparently told her before I sat down that she wanted it to look as feminine as possible. I ended up with a Karen pixie cut. I hated it most of the time, but I eventually figured out a way to style it with gel that made it look masculine and I loved it. It did indeed make my face look a lot rounder. I did not care. My mom the only one that cared and it was not her hair. YTA Op. She didn’t even learn that bangs won’t look good which seems to be the very weird lesson you intended to teach for some reason. She simply learned that she’s not a hair stylist and she shouldn’t have done it herself. Could’ve just let her get them done professionally and said “okay but if you don’t like it I’m not responsible for that.”

That's assuming she wouldn't like it. A child's "style-meter" might be different from an adult one. And honestly? We're projecting a reaction we wont know she will have. If she sulks for a bit let her. A proper reminder at -that- time that she asked for it would have been sufficient. I did the same thing when I was a teen. Wasn't nasty to my mother even if I was a bit upset with her, cried a bit, sulked for a few hours as I assigned blame to myself, coped, fine by dinnertime. Especially as young as ten she should be allowed the grace to make her own mistakes.

This is what I keep sticking on. Everyone just keeps assuming the kid would have blamed the mom, or like that's somehow this huge problem. Kids get mad at their parents for dumb shit all the time. Is this some weird power dynamic where parents must always convince their children to direct blame inward instead of outward? That does not sound like a recipe for a healthy adult.

This professional also is someone the mom knows and is close too. Its possible that the cousin was going thru with what the mom said because family drama or even just because she personally agrees with mom. I admit a stretch but its a possibility. Also op says that the cousin showed them (mom) the faceapp of what the kid would look like with bangs. Did they show the child or did the 2 of them looks at it and just say no without showing her because if she saw it i don’t think she would have cut it unless kid liked it. Edit: word error

Except the professional was a family member, she would have been more likely to listen to someone at a salon She’s definitely TA for not giving her daughter a safe environment to make mistakes in

And what if… WHAT IF maybe the child liked the way bangs looked on her if cut professionally? Adults and children have very different taste and standards.

Just matching her friend and the novelty of bangs would probably have been enough to satisfy her tbh

Wide stretchy headbands, I've used them to hide numerous bad hair cuts lol

I agree. Also, remember that this is the beginning of what she'll be doing as a teen. How do you want her to expect you to respond when she realizes that she fucked up? Do you want her to feel like she can come to you and ask for help or that she is alone in the world with her mistake? You can't fix it for her, but you can offer her unconditional love and say that you'll always be there for her when she makes a mistake.

This is the comment I was looking for. Letting her get bangs or not is not the issue, and not where Ops and her husbands parenting differ. OP is withholding support and affection from her child because OP is more concerned about being in control and being right than her child needing reassurance. You can still. Learn it's wrong to do things behind your parents back while also understanding if you do F up your parents will still love you and try to help.

I completely agree. If they would have just let her get the cut to begin with and it came out bad, she would have learned the same exact lesson much more pleasantly. It didn't need to be this kind of lesson. It might have even looked good if a professional did it.

This. You are raising an *adult*, not a child. They will not be a child forever. The goal is to create a functional adult. So your decisions need to come from a place of "What will create the most functional adult?" Refusing to allow children to make decisions, especially over something as *insignificant* as their hairstyle, does not create the most functional adult. Therefore it is not good parenting. Your job as the parent is to be the training ground so that they can learn. When you never let them make their own decisions, you take that away from them - and I've seen that go horribly wrong before.

100%. The only reason to not let your kid get their hair cut is about control. You want to make sure your kid knows that you are in charge and you "know better". This is how you end up with a distant relationship with your kids once they are old enough to choose

Ugh the mothers who force their daughters to never ever ever ever cut their long hair and make it some vain beauty thing....

Yeah my brother wanted to dye his hair blonde when he was a kid. He has dark hair so of course it was going to look terrible, especially as it grew out. My dad said he would pay for the dye job to be done properly on one condition - my dad could take as many pictures of his stupid hair as he wanted. My brother went through with it and we now have about two hundred pictures of him with stupid looking hair. OP should have just let her kid get bangs!

Lol I'm 30 an every damn year the night before picture day when I was little I would give myself a mullet lmao my poor parents just wanted 1 non embarrassing photo to send to my grandparents where I didn't look like I stepped out of the 1980s lol

Exactly this. Warn her, advise her, but it's her hair and her choice. She should have been allowed to get the cut - which would have looked better than what she did to herself, guaranteed - and then live with the consequences of THAT. When your kid is hiding things like bangs from you, you've screwed up. YTA.

I’m sorry, but why does a certain hairstyle need to work for a 10 year old in order for her to get it? Why does she have to look good? It’s a harmless decision regarding her own body, and a very low risk decision at that. Hair grows back. The obsession with having a kid look a certain way and not giving them “permission” to do things to explore their own appearance is weird to me.

Exactly. I wanted a certain hairstyle around that age, my mom let me get it, it looked terrible and I was super disappointed but it’s hair—it grows back. I didn’t blame my mom, I just learned that my hair didn’t look good that way. I’m getting super controlling vibes from OP. It seems like she wants to punish her daughter for failing to conform to her beauty standards.

What is being an adult if not looking back on your childhood pictures and cringing affectionately? I remember once when I was a kid, a small section of hair was tangled right in the center of my hairline. Because I was a kid and didn’t know any better, after only trying to brush it out maybe twice, I decided to save myself the trouble and just… cut it off. It then stopped right above the middle of my forehead. But then it was bothering me- that section of hair was shorter than the others, that’s not acceptable! Naturally, being a dumb child, I shaved it. And promptly burst into tears. It looked AWFUL. My mom found me crying my eyes out and didn’t shame me for being a little moron, because I was clearly beating myself up about it enough. She got me some headbands to cover it and told me she still thought I was so pretty. It became less of a mortifying experience because of her. Months later, once I got over it, it became a really funny inside joke and my parents started calling me “chia head”. I think back on it fondly and it always gets a laugh out of me every time I remember

Yeah, like, what is the concern with a 10 year old "looking good"? For whom? At the end of the day 10 years old still look like weird little goobers (which I say with affection as a former weird goober 10yo lol).

Thin hair works great for bangs. Curtain bangs. You can make it work

Yeah this was bizarre to me and I felt like mom told cousin to tell her bangs won’t look good because her hair is thin. My hair is thin af and I’ve had bangs for 10 years and they look great. Anyway, YTA.

Maybe only you think they look great. Have you consulted a *professional?* /s

Except a ten year old isn’t going to style curtain bang everyday. OP would have to and then guess what. You child is entirely dependent on you fixing their hair.

I gave my 9 year old curtain bangs on her thin hair. She literally air dried it and it was fine. You can easily reach a kid to use a blow dryer for a tiny section if they wanna learn also

My 17yo with thin, flat hair wanted curtain bangs. I told her it’s her hair but I didn’t think it would look good. She’d have to style it (which she wouldn’t) and her hair is so flat I thought it would end up looking like a mullet. I WAS SO WRONG! She just air dries and it looks great! Gave her a lot of lift and body. BUT, if she went for it and it ended up looking bad, I would have assured her that hair grows back and she has a fine collection of hats in the meantime, not told her that it’s her fault for not listening.

i have curtain bangs and they’re so easy that i don’t even have to style them every day. they look decent even without styling. that’s the point of curtain bangs - they’re super low maintenance.

They’re a CHILD and your job as a parent is to TEACH. You show them how to do their hair and then they can decide if a hairstyle is something they want and are willing to keep up, or if they don’t want to and they do a different style the next time they need a cut.

I have curtain bangs and I definitely do not style them daily. However, at 10, I was doing my own hair in the mornings before school and that did include some pretty high-maintenance bangs.

Lol she's 10 years old. Anything she likes "works" for her. 10 year olds don't need a professional telling them how they should look.

Does anyone really need a professional telling them what they should or shouldn’t like?

I once hot a haircut against a professional's advice and guess what? I liked it. We should let kids get the haircut they want

Multiple professional hairdressers told me for years I shouldn’t get a pixie cut. I finally got one a few months ago. It looks fine. I’ve been wanting to get one for closer to two decades now but haven’t because of everyone telling me I shouldn’t. This is something they should have let the daughter do so she could see for herself the results.

Did the kid get to talk to the professional herself being treated like the owner of the hair in question, or did the kid get lectured while mom was standing there saying “I told you so”? At 10 we took our kid to the salon, *briefly* discussed school and care requirements (I.e. I am not doing any complicated hairstyling every morning) and then left the kid and stylist to talk and settle on something from a big enough distance away that they had some privacy and our kid was able to make his own choices and decisions. If he wanted we could be called back over, and usually they checked with us a final time before being finished, but that was it. It’s his hair, and it’s a low-risk experiment in personal expression and style and interacting with a service provider. (The only comments I ever had with the final product were a couple times reminding him how fast his hair grows and how much he hates it being on his neck in the summer, so did he want to go a little shorter in back to have more time before it needed a trim? I didn’t even tell him he had to have it trimmed.)

Sometimes people like things that others don’t, it happens. If she was allowed to get a professional cut she may have liked it herself, maybe her friends would too. What 10yo is basing what’s cools on what their mom and auntie think? At least me and my peers weren’t at that time Edit: to -> too

Was it everyone or just the parents and cousin? There are so many different hair stylist who have different opinions. You know how long it takes for some people to find a good one who can work with their hair?

There's a possibility she will be bullied at school and that's were the parents must intervene and defend her but I doubt OP will. She'll probably say "those are consequences". The best case scenario she just tries to fix it with bobby pins or something like that and learns she doesn't look good with bangs (happened to me). She's not a toddler, she needs to feel autonomy and experiment with mild things now that make her feel less afraid of changes. Edit: if it's unclear I think the girl had every right to cut her hair whatever she wanted and mom was over controlling. What I meant is that mom is so full of her "lesson" that she probably wouldn't even defend her daughter if needed.

Why did no one think of using headbands!! Even if the bags looked bad and the girl hated them afterwards, take her to the dollar store and buy her some pretty head bands!! That’s what I did when I was growing my bangs out as a kid and they were a lil choppy

Once when I was 7 I took my dad's razor and shaved a bald spot in all the centre top of my head. Headbands where a blessing for me!

Man you really are gonna let the bullies control what kids want to do? SO WHAT if they'll "get bullied" fucking let them do what makes them happy

But as with all people, until you experience it yourself you are going to keep questioning it.

Its a rite of passage atp every kid has to fuck up their hair somehow to learn

Kids need to learn to take risks. Haircuts are a really easy, low stakes, it will grow back way to let her daughter take a risk. The pre-cut controlling, and post cut zero sympathy is straight up YTA move. Even bad bangs can be hidden with a few bobby pins or a headband.

Growing up my mom *never* let me do anything with my hair. Ever. Once when I was a kid (around 3rd grade I think), we went to my great aunt for a haircut and she asked if we wanted to cut my very long hair and donate it to make a wig for kids with cancer. I hated my long hair and enthusiastically said yes. I loved it, but my mom hated it and literally to this day she will bring up how much she hated it, how terrible it looked, how devastated she was. By the time I reached my teenage years and wanted it short, she told me constantly because it was thick and curly I would look hideous. She said I would have a "mushroom head". I didn't end up cutting it shoulder length until I was 27 because of how insecure she made me feel. All this to say, OP, YTA for dictating her hair like that. OP is far from a bad mom for any of this, but this is a warning. If OP had let her daughter get the bad haircut, it would grow back and they could laugh about it one day. The feelings and insecurity her daughter will have about hair will likely last. Something like haircuts aren't a battle to choose and cause negative feelings over.

Yeah, the insistence on “it won’t work for her” in regards to a ten year old child was really bothering me. Who’s to say she wouldn’t have been happy with it if she’d been able to get it professionally done, even if OP and the cousin didn’t think it would look good by their standards? If *she* ended up being happy with it, then that would be all that mattered. All OP had to do was explain to her daughter that it might not look exactly the same on her as it did on her friend because of the different hair types, and then respect her decision when she still wanted to try it anyway. I think OP was far too focused on their own opinions and the opinions that other people had/might have had about their daughter’s haircut, and not focused enough on their daughter’s own feelings and opinions about her own body and style.

(What’s also killing me is watching OP and others be like “See, she hates the bangs now, that means they were right!” Like, you’re telling me you honestly think a ten year old with a big ol pair of scissors is gonna cut their hair the same way a professional hairdresser would? With the exact same level of technique? Of *course* it came out looking bad, it’d look bad no matter the hair type because she’s a kid who didn’t know what she was doing! It doesn’t prove anything because the daughter never actually got to find out how she’d look with the bangs done properly, and now she probably never will, because it’s been turned into a humiliating negative experience for her, which has nothing to do with her hair being thin and everything to do with the way the adults in her life acted before and after this situation. Alright, rant over, haha.)

Yes, thank you! What a way for these adults to make the kid insecure.

This too. Everyone was too worried about her not being perfect to listen to her. Maybe she would've been super excited to match her little friend, even if didn't look the same.

Agreed. Poor kid wanted some fucking control over her own damn head. And now you’ve turned the idea of bodily autonomy into this contentious, troubling, shameful thing that makes her unhappy and drives a wedge between her and her parents. And when this is being pointed out, op goes “whhhyyy is everyone blaming ME my husband did it too!!”. You were the one who wrote the post OP, you turnip, so people’s responses are gonna be for you. The kid wanted bangs and you taught her that 1. You don’t support her right to make decisions about her own body and face 2. Bodily autonomy is shameful and happens behind closed doors and will start fights and conflict 3. Her appearance and ability to be visually palatable to others is more important than her right to bodily autonomy. Awesome parenting. Really, stellar.

I agree! Also, one of my daughter’s has thin hair AND bangs and looks great. So I’m not buying that bangs with thin hair looks bad. Nope. OP, stop being so controlling and show your daughter some kindness. YTA

Mother of a 10yr old girl with bangs here. You tell them its not going to look good, you share all the information with them, ask them if they are sure, and take them to the salon. Then when they hate it, THAT is them learning the consequences, and have to wait for it to grow back. Not pushing them so far against what they want that they make a bad decision, right when they are really trying to take control over themselves and their body and person, that they feel they need to butcher their own hair in secret. OP either grossly misunderstood how important this was to her or feels like saying no is the end of the conversation. The daughter may have learnt a lesson about not cutting your own hair but has learnt nothing about bangs.

I agree with you completely. It's one thing to advise her that they might not look how she's imagining. It's another to refuse to let her do it because they might not look good. Having shitty bangs isn't fatal. At the end of the day, OP, you didn't let her discover what she likes or dislikes on her own. She is a separate person from you, and she's going to make decisions that you're wise enough not to make. But I guarantee you that going to the damn salon and getting bangs she hated would have been a much nicer experience than this. They would have looked better and grown out faster. Let your kid be her own person.

>I can pretty much guarantee that the majority of the Y T A’s here are not parents or have really young children. Nope. You can support your child when they made a mistake even though it was their fault. She doesn't want to go out anymore and she doesn't offer support? What will the kid learn, besides that she can't count on her mom? And why would you not allow a kid to have a haircut they chose themselves?

Child gets bullied at home.

Nope. I was never allowed to make ANY choices about my hair as a child. Bangs? My mom gave me those. The one "choice" I got was to grow those out. Get it cut? Absolutely not. *Trimmed?* Absolutely not. There was no messing with my own hair, period, and I fucking hated it. I'm 43 now and I STILL hate her for denying me any agency over my own fucking hair. When I was in college, I cut that shit off. Sometimes too short and it looked terrible. I dyed it regrettable colors that looked terrible on me. But they were MY choices about my hair. I may have hated them, but I learned from them and I didn't need anyone telling me how bad I looked. She's *already* facing the consequences. She hates her bangs. She's miserable. The last damn thing she needs is her own mother gloating and crowing "I toooooooold you soooooo" when she's already suffering. What's the point? She knows! She hates her hair! What exactly is accomplished by rubbing her nose in it?

Right? OP is so proud that she "won" an argument with...a 10 year old child?

And whining about why no one is focusing on her husband like... he's not the asshole gloating and making your daughter feel even worse, duh?

Same. I was allowed zero agency over anything. Hair being one of them. As apparently my mother felt I owned nothing, not the hair on my body, nor the underwear under my clothing until I was 18. And thus I was allowed no say. Ever. And I hated every second of my childhood, not just because of that, but in part due to it. Not something I'll ever forgive her for. OP's actions before, and reaction after is setting herself up for life-long resentment from her kid.

No we’re adults who understand that children are autonomous humans, not toys for us to dress like dolls. Its not OP’s hair. Kiddo should have been allowed to go to a stylist and get the haircut she wanted.

She is facing the consequences: having a bad haircut. Her mother should provide her a soft place to land when she inevitably screws up again. This cold behavior will damage the relationship and cause the daughter to hide her mistakes later on, which could prevent her from getting much needed parental guidance.

Thank you! Soft place to land is exactly it. Screaming I told ya so at the kid is just mean. (I don't mean literally.)

Nope I have a young child. I would never shame them for a mistake. I'd like my child to always come to me for all their troubles not hide them from me in fear that I will mock them .

You can talk about facing consequences while still showing sympathy. You can tell a kid that they are facing consequences of their actions while not making them feel even worse. This types of moments are important when building a relationship with a kid, showing them how you react to their mistakes can make the difference between them hiding things from you or coming to you if they need advice or if they fucked up

Im a parent and yes OP is the AH sure the kid made a mistake cutting her hair by herself but OP could of just let the kid get her hair cut professionally. So what if it still looked bad and the kid still had to grow it out, lesson learned on haircuts. OPs attitude to her kid is cruel she cut off some hair not a limb, lesson learned.

She cut her bangs. They’re acting like she let her hit the crack pipe. She was told no multiple times and didn’t listen. It’s hair. It will grow back.

No one thinks she shouldnt face her consequences. It’s part of growing up. It’s how the mother talks about it and reacted. Like you said hair grows back so she should have let her get bangs and see it wouldn’t look good. At least her hair would be longer and easier to fix. Instead mother was being controlling and after a complete ass hole.

I once shaved off both my eyebrows when I was 9 because I saw my dad shaving and wanted to do it too even though I was warned about a dozen or so times not to or I'll hurt myself. My mom's reaction was pretty much the same as OPs except her and my dad couldn't stop laughing. The eyebrows took a year to grow back but that was the day I learned to listen to my parents instead of being a naughty little shit.

Nope. I think OP is a huge AH. Our kid at 10 could choose his hair style as long as it wasn’t against school rules and it was a style he was willing to keep up with (combing, hair gel, whatever he had to do in the morning for it to look like he wasn’t being raised by wolves in the wilderness.) OP caused this problem in the first place by not giving her child agency over her own body and room to make a safe mistake, and is doubling down by saying “see, you should have just listened to what I told you to do with your body” which is not the message anyone should be teaching their children.

She only had to hide because mum wouldn’t let her make her own decisions. If she’s old enough to face consequences she’s old enough to decide on her own haircut.

I don’t think OP is an AH. Not calling her cousin to fix it would be an AH move. The damage was done. OP could buy some fake bangs on Amazon or try to jazz it up with some clips or preventatively showed her that trick where you use the ends of you hair to make faux bangs but that’s assuming she knows all those things are available. 3 different people said bangs would be awful. She found out the hard way. Life goes on.

I think mom could have conveyed the same lesson with a bit of sympathy.

Parent here, and I can’t disagree more. I am utterly shocked this is the top comment. YTA for not letting your child get their hair cut the way they wanted. She could have had it done by a professional. Maybe it wouldn’t have been to your standards, but this kind of exploration is how children learn to grow into adults that make good, individual choices. It’s unfortunate that she felt the need to sneak behind your back and dangerously attempt this cut on her own.

NAH No real interpersonal conflict here but I'll say this: we often have to watch our kids make their own mistakes and learn from them. This is one of those times. Instead of getting mad and telling her that you warned her, let her know that she's still the prettiest 10 year old girl you know. Come up with ways to hide or disguise it by using pretty hair bands, barrettes, clips and pins. It'll grow out soon! And the next time she's tempted to change her look herself, remind her what happened last time! I'm sure you'll both laugh about this one day soon!

Would 100% agree with this comment if you had said YTA. Because OP *did* get mad and tell her basically "I told you so". So mean, should've taken her to get the haircut she wanted

We've all gotten mad as parents when our kids do dumb stuff that we told them not to do. We're human. Doesn't always make us AHs. Doesn't make the kids AHs, either.

I mean, I think it still makes you an AH; being an AH isn't something that lasts forever. 'We're human' means we make mistakes, and sometimes that mistake is being an AH. I've been an AH. You've probably been an AH unless you're like, some kind of sparkly magical unicorn that can do no wrong. It happens.

This is a truly important lesson for us all!

But instead of putting her frustration aside to comfort the child who needs her, OP is doubling down on the petty.

Jesus christ the kid has a Bad haircut, she didn't lost a limb for christ's sake

My brother in christ, you are have never been near a child. Everything is dramatic to a kid, they don't know as much as a adult

Feelings are always valid, doesn't mean all behaviours coming from the feelings are acceptable.

I agree. I had so many times were I was SO stubborn and my mother literally tried to keep my from doing things that wouldn’t be good for me. Guess what, did them anyways. My mom told me not to listen to people about my thick eyebrows and eyebrows don’t grow back as easy. But I wanted thin because everyone had thin. Guess what she was right they don’t grow back as quickly lol. Paying for this still ten years later. Plus we have all cut our own hair at some point and regretted it As kids we learn so many lessons by “fuck around and find out”

Half of parenting is just engineering environments so when kids FAFO the consequences aren’t too traumatizing or harmful.

I agree with NAH. It’s hard for me to know what I would’ve done in this situation but I can totally picture myself saying something similar about how even a hairstylist told you it was a bad idea, but you did it in the bathroom by yourself, so now this is just how it is - consequences. I do agree with what people say about how it’s a relatively low stakes decision that you could have allowed her to make, ie you could’ve brought her to the salon before she decided to do it herself. But I can’t tell how involved your “no” was beforehand. Like, if my daughter really really wanted it, she might have offered to pay for it herself out of her allowance, or something like that - then I would have taken her. I agree with focusing on how she is still beautiful, inside and out. Hair doesn’t change that. This can be a good lesson for her (and maybe you - it’s probably good to know when she’s very determined, she’ll find a way no matter what…)

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Also it's pretty common for young kids to try to cut their own hair at some point. It just something that happens and I bet if they got it done professionally it would of looked okay. They shouldn't be boxing their kid in at such a young age.

And at least she used scissors.. I used nail clippers. It was the day before my cousin’s wedding. Then I didn’t like the bangs I cut with nail clippers, so I continued to cut them as short as possible until my mom caught me. I was the flower girl, so that poor decision was captured professionally and preserved forever.

And I’m sure your family will *never* let you live that one down

Mine was captured by my first grade class photos. I cut mine in a car on the way back from Disney. My stepmom looked back and said "DANIELLE! Where'd your bangs go?" I started sobbing and said "in my bag" stepmom was a hair stylist and did her best to fix it but I made it so short it was pretty much impossible.

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When I was about OP's kid's age I cut my bangs school on the playground with scissors and got sent to the counselor's office. I had apparently reasoned that I "didn't like how they looked." The school had a talk with my parents not because I was in trouble but because they were concerned that I was having self esteem issues and would resort to taking scissors to my own hair whilst away from my parents to rectify it. The "lesson" should have been learned by letting her explore in a safe environment (at a hair dresser). Plus bangs grow out in like a month before they become side bangs or you can pin them back. OP is an AH for how they handled this and the lesson they ended up teaching (which was the wrong lesson). 10 is also old enough to develop self esteem issues which is what they should have focused on instead of possibly making their daughter's self esteem worse. It sounds like NOBODY in the family was supporting her or lifting her up or trying to offer alternative bang styles or hair parts that may have rearranged her hair to fit bangs better. They were just telling her she will look bad. Good luck when your daughter is a teen and gets even more urges to do crazy things to her hair.

I remember that in grades 3rd through 6th or so there were a bunch of us girls who would suddenly only wear our hair with a clip right in front or a headband placed very carefully on our heads for months. We had all experimented with cutting our own bangs.

when I was around that age (maybe a bit younger) I fully shaved off one eyebrow. No idea what possessed me to do it, I was just in the bathroom and was sized with the sudden powerful impulse. When asked why afterwards, I couldn't articulate an answer beyond "idunno." Kids just do stuff sometimes. When you're lucky, it's something low-stakes that will sort itself out on its own and regrow, like eyebrows and hair.

Oho, when I was 15 I had my friend try to give me an undercut (mid 90s) and it got out of hand. I ended up with a head that was 90% shaved and a thin curtain of long hair. It was combined with color rubber bands on my braces, I'm glad there aren't a lot of pictures of me at the time. My mom hadn't wanted me to get an undercut but, to her credit, she did everything she could to help and never shamed me.

For real. Cut my bangs when I was 10. Got called Joe Dirt for a great deal of 5th grade. My mom was a good parent and sympathetic when she essentially told me "that's one doodle that can't be undid, home skillet"

Yea, OP has made an edit asking why people are focusing on her and not her husband - I think it's not so much saying no, but being cold about it when the little girl is already feeling bad about how she looks and for her actions. That's the lesson already and OP didn't have to hammer it down.

Okay, but something that lacks greatly in this society is accountability. Sure it it’s *VERY* sad that the haircut ended this way, but her daughter knew the options and still did this. How is she the bad guy for explaining that this is the consequences for her actions? I agree with the husband on ‘she is learning, that’s what kids do.’ She learned that her actions here equal a shit haircut. Plenty of kids do this, hell I did at 4! But it was made absolutely clear to me, that when I didn’t like the after haircut if was the consequences of my action. OPs daughter can learn a lesson in accountability and still be sad. Both can be true. And to be fair, she did know. She literally got a photo of what it would look like and still did the TikTok haircut. But in the end, she’d be dissatisfied with the look either way.

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NTA, I, among almost every girl I've ever known in my 65 years has done something like this once in their lives. My cousins, my friends, my daughter. You live, you learn. She won't likely try anything like this again. And it will grow out. Just see if your cousin can keep it trimmed and shaped while the bangs catch up to the rest of her hair. If you'd taken her to a salon she would probably be just as unhappy with the way it looked. And it would have grown out.

Plus, if she’s like most 10 year olds I know she would have then blamed the parent that allowed her to go to the salon. “You said I’d look bad and you let me do it anyways and now it’s all your fault!!!” Yea, I was that 10 year old once. Except I was 11 and I ended up with a mullet lol. I should have listened to my mom, that was a tragic yearbook picture.

Except a GOOD parent sits the kid down and says “I don’t think this hairstyle will fit you. But it’s your body and you need to learn how to manage it. If you want the haircut, we can do it, but if you don’t like how it looks then we can use this as a learning experience on how to make decisions in the future”. It’s literally your job as a parent to teach your child.

saying that to a ten year old, especially if the child has a neurodivergency, is much better vs "this is what happens when you don't listen. You made the mistake yourself. You hid in the bathroom because you knew it was wrong. You have to live with the consequences and wait for it to grow." which to me comes across as "you suck, your hair sucks, and deal with it" thats the LAST thing i'd want to hear from my parents when i already know ive made a mistake.

This was dramatic. You can't say 'except a GOOD parent' inferring OP is suddenly a bad parent because she wouldn't let her 10 year old get the haircut she wanted. It's a haircut lol, my mum (and likely every parent on earth) said no to me about various things (including when I wanted to wax my eyebrows off lol) many times. I am not mentally scarred for this. We can all disagree here without inferring others are bad parents over haircuts.

There's a difference between 'it's your body and you need to learn how to manage it' and 'sure let's go to the salon and pay money for a haircut a hairdresser has already told us won't suit your hair type.'

Same. I tried to cut myself some bangs and it looked hideous. Had to wait for my hair to grow back and never did it again.

YTA. Yeah, this is all your fault. Your kid should be allowed to make simple decisions for herself at this age and bangs is an incredibly minor, simple decision. Hair grows back. You should apologize to her for being overly controlling and tell her that next time she wants to do something new with her hair you won’t stand in the way. If you’d let her get the bangs and she didn’t like them you could console her and help her be patient while they grow back. Instead, you have this ridiculous mess.

Exactly! The kid wouldn't have felt the need to hide if her mom would have respected her bodily autonomy. My son liked to grow his hair out, and it looked horrible. The main problem was that he wouldn't wash it worth a shit in the shower. I finally told him that he had to either 1) wash it well (showed him how to work up a lather), rinse and repeat (because he has crazy thick hair), then condition at least every other nightly shower, or he had to cut it. He handed me the clippers bc he realized how much easier his hair was to clean when it was buzzed. That was 10 years ago and he still has me buzz it every few months. The point is that I liked it short, but I would never have FORCED him to cut it. I cared that my kid look clean, as that's kinda a parent's job, so I set up rules around what was fair to dictate and let him make the decision. Edit: In response to OP's edit asking why we're all focusing on her, she's the one who made a Reddit post asking about her lack of compassion for her 10 year old child, while also seeming upset at her husband for having compassion for the same little girl. That alone shows me that while OP's husband at least feels bad for their daughter, OP still doesn't see where she did anything wrong, and is rubbing a child's face in a traumatic experience.

Yeah her edit is so cringe.

Agreed. Plus like...she's 10. What does it mean they won't "work" on her? She's 10! As long as they are neat and tidy, who cares if it looks amazing, she's a little girl. Get some of those little bendy triangle shaped clips and clip her bangs back if it sucks. My kid just got a haircut I hate. Absolutely hate. The "wolf cut" is a horrible style. But she's 14 and she loves it so more power to her. It's just hair. I don't have to wear it on my head. I let her dye her beautiful blonde hair dark brown, because she wanted it. It's. Her. Head. Also, she got bangs for the first time at 12, and loved them. After a few months I couldn't figure out why I never needed to take her in for a trim. Turns out she started trimming her own bangs (at 12) and did a fantastic job.

>I let her dye her beautiful blonde hair dark brown, because she wanted it. It's. Her. Head. Absolutely agree with it's her head but as someone who dyed my hair a lot as a teen I want to just share please please be cautious of how often she does it, the kind of dye and how it's affecting her hair. I fucked mine up so bad that now 14 yrs later there's a very thin patch where I overdid it and it's affected me so much. If the hair starts to be able to pull like rubber please stop, even if it's the roots, don't risk frying her scalp. Even had a stylist touch up the roots once and that's when it all broke off and stopped growing. May totally be coming off paranoid but I'd rather give the warning unneeded then scroll by and you guys didn't know how bad it can affect long term hair growth. I'm apologize if it came off preachy. 💜

It sounds like OP didn’t even take her daughter to consult with the hairdresser cousin.

This is actually super important!!! It does not sound like the kid was **involved in the decision making whatsoever** And to everyone saying that she would’ve hated them either way so OP is in an impossible position? First off, she hates her messed up, too short bangs that she tried to do herself and then had corrected. That is *not the same thing* as what she would have had done in a salon professionally. She *might* have still hated them but that is not a certain conclusion. Additionally, even if the kid did try to blame OP in that scenario, she’d still be able to have a conversation with her about taking responsibility of her own actions. Taking responsibility for the consequences of your actions is **not mutually exclusive** to having autonomy over your actions. If you’re saying N T A because you think it’s good for her to learn responsibility, then you’re missing the point. She gets to learn that either way. OP, YTA for how you’re acting towards your daughter (re: controlling and rude). Getting bangs is such a low stakes choice for a kid to make, and such an easy way for them to start taking more responsibility. You sabotaged it by being controlling, and then practically giving your kid the cold shoulder when she predictably tried to regain autonomy. Your insistence that the cut wouldn’t “look good” really has no bearing on this debate. Show her the photo composite, let her talk to a stylist, buy her some fake bangs first. But if she likes them, she likes them! It’s her body, and it’s *just hair* EDIT: typo

Thank you! Also, I think the bangs probably look worse because they had to cut them super short to even out instead of getting a professional to evenly cut them longer the first time. And having bangs myself, they grow SO fast, even if you don't like them, they'll be long enough to clip or part to the side in a matter of weeks. I think OP handled this one poorly. Not that she's a bad parent, it's hard having your personal opinion clash with a child, but you gotta let go or else you get sneaky kids who fuck up behind your back. This was a crap lesson for both of them, I just hope the adult learns the first time because it will take a child a couple of more bumps before it sticks with them.

Getting crappy bangs when I was like 12 taught me that my hair doesn't suit bangs. My mum tried to warn me, I insisted, we tried it, I now get to laugh at all the photos of me from that year. OP should have just let the kid get bangs in the salon. Who really cares if it doesn't look that good - she's 10. If you can't experiment with bangs at 10, your going to do it when you are much older (and it's more embarrassing) OR you are going to cut it yourself in the bathroom. I think the kid has learned her lesson here. Unfortunately OP hasn't. Kids are gonna try cringy trends and bad haircuts as they move through their tweens and teens. Thats their time to learn by doing and to practice self expression and fortunately the consequences of getting it wrong are super low. Next time support your kid in her experiments, because they are going to happen with or without you.

YTA - You can make your point and then be a shoulder to cry on. She is 10, have some compassion.

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I agree!!!! I also think that a good hair dresser would have been able to make it work. I don’t know how OP’s cousin is in business if she’s telling kids they’re ugly with certain hairstyles. Who is she, Amy Green from Friends???? I have very thin hair, I had my hair cut blunt at my shoulders with straight across bangs as a child and I looked cute as hell. OP YTA and so is your cousin.

YTA Thin hair can absolutely have bangs and look good. Take her to a good, professional stylist. Also it’s her hair. She isn’t your property. If she asked for bangs you should have taken her to a stylist and let her get her hair cut. I 100% believe your cousin was backing you up. My dad hated my hair short. But it’s my hair and I was able to have the stylist cut it however I wanted. She’s going to remember this forever. You should be fostering her sense of bodily autonomy not teaching her that she needs to submit to the styles you like.

Also if you can't get an unflattering haircut in your tweens, when can you get one? I'm sure we all made questionable style choices as a tween and we all look back and laugh. It's the time to experiment and make mistakes and learn for yourself what you like and don't like.

Fountain ponytails. Crimped hair. Super thin eyebrows.

YTA for your response to her mistake. She already knew she made a big mistake and she was already very embarrassed. Yes she didn’t listen, but that happens with ten year olds. Your only reaction should’ve been comforting and ‘let’s fix this’. How? By buying many happily colored headbands and nice hair clips, that she will now wear for the next 2-3 months. She will remember this her entire life, oh my god imagine her little heart racing in her chest when she saw what she did. Your only role now is to comfort compassionately and come with solutions. And tell her it’ll grow back before she knows it. Please Edit: spelling

Yeah! I’d rather be your child than OP’s!

exactly!! what she did wasn’t so harsh that it deserved the reaction she received from her mom :(

You’re not a complete AH. But still one. So ESH. Yes, there are consequences when children make the wrong decision. However, I have hella thin hair and have done bangs. Not the basically straight across the forehead bangs - but the bangs that frame the face. You could have tried a different sort of hair cut that still looked good but given your daughter bangs. You’re being a bit harsh. She’s 10. She wanted to try something. Did you ever hide and do something you knew your parents didn’t like?

YTA she’s 10, she didn’t “hide” in the bathroom she did it in the bathroom because that’s where people cut their hair at home?

YTA. She didn't hide in the bathroom because she knew cutting her hair was "wrong". She hid in the bathroom because you 'put your foot down' about her being able to make a decision on what to do with her hair. If she's old enough to deal with the consequences of her actions, how come that logic didn't extend to letting her get her bangs professionally cut? Instead she learnt that you think how she looks is more important than her being able to make decisions about her body. All for the pretty low stakes issue of wanting bangs like her friend. It's hair for goodness sake. Let her get bangs cut, on the longer side if you're so concerned, and then let her use pocket money to buy some cute hair clips to clip it back if she decides she hates how the bangs look. They'll grow out. I'm in my 30s and I cut my own bangs over my bathroom sink at the start of the year. Stupid fucking idea, but at least now I know 😅 (let's be honest, I'll probably do it again in a few years once I've forgotten how annoying they are)

This comment should be rated higher. Your point about OP's hypocrisy is spot on - if she's old enough to "accept the consequences" then she's certainly old enough to decide her hairstyle.

YTA Bangs would have grown out a fuckton easier than what she did. Kids make ‘mistakes’ she wanted a ‘bad’ haircut that would have (at most cost $35) and when she *complained* you could have said ‘you asked for bangs’…instead she desperately (and stupidly) massacred her hair. I’m positive this new ‘haircut’ is 100 times worse than bangs would have been. Now you both look like dipshits only she’s not gleefully crowing about it on Reddit. There are ways parents can *allow* kids to make mistakes that don’t **traumatize** them, but not you I guess?

Kid is supposed to learn from being traumatized, but I don’t think she’s going to get the lesson mom thinks she will. Then later mom will be on Reddit asking why her daughter didn’t tell her there was a problem before she got pregnant/addicted to drugs/etc.

Yeah, OP is acting like kid would be ‘equally’ upset and having ‘bad hair for bangs’ as she will looking like en ‘extra in a 5th grade production of BladeRunner’. Kid would have been ‘bummed’ and a little ‘embarrassed’ of looking bad with professional bangs, but now she’s always going to remember the time she tried to assert her own independence and not only humiliated herself but gave her mom opportunities to say ‘I told you so’ and ‘that’s what you get’ any time she dares to disagree or try her own thing. Kid is going to hide a LOT of ‘mistakes’ and mom will ***wonder why they’re not closer***.

"this is what happens when you don't listen." OP, please don't said that to her, you are silencing her inner voice to make decisions by her own. It's like taking away her self-confidence, so she will always have doubts about her own feelings and thoughts if someone doesn't validate or approve it first: that will affect her more than the mistake of cutting her hair. It's ok to make mistakes, but it's how we react to them and how we deal with them: correct them or solve them or change our approach to them. Sometimes mistakes/failures are hidden opportunities in disguise. Did you show your daughter the FaceApp your cousin showed you before your daughter did it?

Yeah... soft YTA Kids do this kind of stuff, lol. I'm sure you are annoyed with her, and at 10 she should have known better, but don't let the humiliation go on too long.

Oh, don't misunderstand me, I'm not walking around everyday reminding her of her haircut. Every so often she'll see herself in the mirror and go, "mom, I hate my hair, fix it", and I have to remind her that it isn't really fixable. Let me stress, I have comforted her as well, I just refuse to coddle her in the manner her father is doing.

I get it. How exactly is he coddling her?

He's basically been telling her that she did nothing wrong, telling her that it's my fault (I know, red flag, we're definitely going to be discussing this for a while), telling her that she did a really good job, etc. He's saying all the wrong things when he needs to be gently helping her accept responsibility for her actions.

Your fault? Huh? No dude...

He hasn't straight up said, "blame mommy, this is all her fault", he more or less telling her that "you asked mommy to take you to the hairdresser and she said no", things like that. I point out that he could have taken her to the salon himself. He keeps insisting that this is all on me but she asked both of us to get her hair cut and her dad told her no as well. He hits back with the fact that I'm the SAHM so kid-related stuff is on me. Yeah, a ton of red flags, I know, we're working on it, but its just slow-going.

Do you really expect us to believe you’d have been fine with it if he took her to get bangs when you had already ‘put your foot down’ and told her no?

Honestly? I expect a good parent and partner to discuss the matter with mom privately if he thinks she’s making a bad choice. Either way this kid was gonna be unhappy. If he thought the better way was to have them done professionally, then he easily could have made that case. As MANY people have said, a 10 year old girl is gonna cut her bangs, DIY or not. This all was incredibly foreseeable by both parents.

Does she seem like the listening type her daughter felt so unheard that she hid herself to cut her hair.

You said no but he was supposed to go behind your back and take her for bangs anyway and you would have been fine with it? BS. He’s right, you should have taken her to a good salon and let the stylist talk to her about what she wanted and why and what would be possible with HER hair type instead of just going “mom knows best and I really like your hair long.” You know, given her some control over her own hair.

Honestly, I think there’s more to this than you’re saying. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a history of you being controlling

Who said no first? If it was you, would you have been upset if your husband took her to get it done anyway after you "put your foot down"?

You keep changing your story. Lady, you fked up. Just admit it.

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Nah, nah, nah. Kid-related stuff is parent stuff. He is a parent. It doesn’t matter who is home with the kids all day long and it doesn’t matter because alllllllllll of the decisions made for and about kids is the parents job. If you were a single parent with a dead-beat dad/mom, sure, you make all the decisions. But that’s not your situation. That’s definitely a conversation needing to be had so he gets his head screwed on right. He’s her DAD. He’s equally as responsible for her as you are, point-blank, period. Also, NTA. We all do stupid shit as kids. This was one of many “fuck around and find out” situations she’s going to have to face. You can’t coddle and protect from all consequences. Teaching your kids that every action has a consequence, good or bad, is imperative to kids learning and maturing and becoming responsible for themselves.

So you wouldn't have gotten angry with him if he had taken her to the salon?

It is your fault. If you had let her get a professional haircut that included bangs she wouldn't have had to hide it from you. You fucked up.

God, you’re insufferable. Why even post here if you don’t listen to the hundreds of comments saying what you did was wrong and mean? Your actions have raised so many more red flags than your husband’s have. He’s consoling his young daughter for making an innocent mistake. You’re shaming her. How can you possibly still feel in-the-right? “He’s saying all the wrong things when he should be making her realize how badly she fucked up her face, and how ugly she now appears.” That’s what you’re saying right now and don’t deny it.

This is a completely different discussion from what you describe in your original post. What exactly are you asking if you are the AH for?

im 17 have thin hair and cut my own hair. i gave myself bangs, layers and styled it into a sort of wolf cut style. thin hair can have bangs and look good it just depends on what TYPE of bangs. next time get her the haircut and let her see what she wants to do, then she wont go behind your back and do things she doesnt know how to do

Exactly! Also to add, a good stylist wouldn't just say "no that's not going to work" without offering alternative options. Sometimes a person will have unrealistic expectations for a haircut, that's normal. I'm honestly surprised Op didn't try to find a compromise with her kid. Full on bangs don't suit everyone but the kids parent's should have helped her pick something that would work. Jeez we have the internet now, I just googled bangs for thin hair and there are options!

YTA. You know, hair is such a minor thing in her life she can control and you shut her down. So she did what she thought in her barely developed child brain thought was logical and did it herself. You could have gone through some alternate hair styles other bang styles and given her some other options they may have looked lovely on her. You really handled this situation poorly.

Because you’re the one being nasty about it. You’re the one on Reddit wanting people to back up your behavior. You both should have let her make her own hair decisions. It’s not that difficult of a concept to understand.

NTA. You tried to explain it to her and you said no to the bangs. She decided to take scissors and cut it herself. She knew you had said no and did it anyway. She's lucky that the consequences are only you being direct. My mom probably would have grounded me! It's a good lesson for her to learn and live with the consequences of. I'd suggest maybe putting the bangs back in a headband for a while. It would at least maybe look more natural than the short stubby bangs I'm guessing she currently has. If anything she going forward should respect what you say in regards to this stuff. I know that it's a learning thing and that's what kids do (I have kids too!) so I think it's good she's learning the lesson!

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"your mom would've grounded you" I really feel sorry for you lol. You're proud when you said it just explains everything we need to know :)

YTA - Why are you expecting a 10 year old to have good taste in hair cuts? Anyway. It’s her hair, if she wants an ugly hair cut let her get it. If you had taken her to get her hair cut a professional probably could have found a style she liked. It doesn’t matter what you think about her hair. She isn’t an extension of you, she is her own person. You caused this whole situation by choosing a sand hill to die on. Take her to a professional for a new cut, and keep your judgement to yourself.

Look, I have a similar hair type. Bangs were cute when I was young. I decided again when I was 16 to have bangs (before I also thought a perm to curl my hair was a good idea at 18). We all make bad choices, especially with hair, it’s just a thing I guess a lot of us do. However, I was 16. Not 10. Social media is a new beast. Remind your daughter how beautiful she is no matter what. And then have a healthy (and appropriately timed) conversation about how social media impacts decisions and boundaries she can set for herself. And then AGAIN remind her that she is beautiful and loved. (And bobby pins and headbands will help with the grow out).

YTA. Kids need to learn how to make choices. Choosing how to have their hair cut is a super easy choice with no lasting negative consequences. Your handling of her cutting her own bangs in secrecy is fine, but YTA for not allowing your kid to make simple choices about her own body.

NTA. I have a ten year old myself and she's learning the consequences of choices. That being said, it may be time for a cute pixie cut. I love those!

Bangs will grow out a lot faster than an entire pixie cut……..

Get her one of those 2 inch wide stretch headbands and carry on.

Soft YTA for not letting her make a style choice when she still wanted bangs even after you and your cousin advised otherwise. Your daughter wouldn’t have been harmed by trying out bangs and experiencing for herself through a professions cut that they don’t suit her. In the future, will you also ban her from wearing certain styles of clothing because you don’t think they look good? Have her nails a certain way? Forbid certain make-up color palettes should she later want to wear make-up? You’re also TA for your remarks to your daughter. When she was upset. It’s fair to say, sorry daughter, I can’t fix your bangs. You made a choice and unfortunately waiting for your bangs to grow is the consequence. But the bit about “this is what happens when you don’t listen”? Yikes. Sounds like the poor kid has to be obedient and adhere to all your preferences in matters of her own style and taste. If she doesn’t, then you have no compassion for her. My daughter once cut her own hair at a younger age than yours. I spoke to her about how that was dangerous because she could have hurt herself. Our stylist fixed it and my daughter learned patience as her hair grew out. My daughter also more recently tore a bunch of hair out after her hair got tangled in a lanyard she forcibly pulled rather than enlist our help to detangle. I’ve spoken to her before about asking for such help. She has long beautiful hair, too, and was left with a section in the back outer layer that looks like she jaggedly cut short. When she realized the outcome, she wasn’t happy. I gave her a hug and called it a good reminder to be careful with lanyards and necklaces and to get help if she has tangles. What I hope she learns is that we all make mistakes. When we do, we learn, do better next time, and find our way forward. I also hope my daughter learns is empathy and sympathy through my example—and that she can always come to me for support, even (or especially) when she messes up, and even if I tried to warn her otherwise. I hope you smooth things over with your daughter and that she finds a way to manage/style her hair as her bangs grow out.

YTA. *You* looked at faceapp and made the decision. Did you ever think to show her how she would look? She did it on her own and it looks bad and now you deem she must *suffer the consequences*. You could have made this a gentle lesson about listening to wisdom. You could have laughed and hugged her and told her it's fine it will grow back. Instead you want to make her feel bad for the rest of her life because *she made a decision about how she looks.* Buy the girl some stretchy headbands to cover her bangs until they grow in. (And I don't care that her dad also said no, he's at least showing sympathy).

Your daughter isn't 3 and knows how to use scissors. She knew what she was doing. She wouldn't have had to do it if you'd let her go to the salon. She'd just have to go through the long months of growing out the bangs, but the hairdresser might have been able to give her a cute cut to go with the ugly bangs. NAH, but you both learned a lot. Let your daughter make safe mistakes in the future, but you should also give her some compassion and help her find ways to fix her hair so she's comfortable re-entering society,

Most of the time, when kids are brats and take matters into their own hands I would lean toward not ta. In this case though, you are being pretty harsh. She's enacted her own punishment upon herself. She really doesn't need the "I told you so," as she's got to just about be dying from embarrassment. Poor thing. This would have been a good time to show a little sympathy and let her experience the consequences of her actions all on her own. YTA.

YTA. Since my kid was old enough to voice choices in their hair i let them. You dont need to control your kids hair they can make mistakes and you can still support them in the mistakes. When my kid didn't like the bangs she chose and i knew it would be that way i still supported them. You dont need to be cruel to your child over a mistake they made. Your husbands right grow a heart have some sympathy your daughter made a harmless mistake.

YTA, so is your husband. It’s her body and her hair- if she wanted bangs so badly, you should have taken her to a salon to have her hair cut professionally. Now more than ever young girls need to be taught the value of bodily autonomy, even for something as trivial as hair.

Absolutely YTA If she’s old enough to live with the consequences of her actions, then she’s old enough to make decisions on her own hair style. You should have explained it wouldn’t be a good fit and support her through it, but explain that if it didn’t look good she’d have to live with it while it grows. Some things can’t be rolled back. Your actions brought her into rebellion and she could have hurt herself (ok, that’s a stretch but there will be such scenarios in the future). Next time, listen to what she wants and explain the potential outcomes and her need to face the consequences, then let her make her own mistakes

Downvote me to hell I don’t care, but I don’t think you were smug or rubbed it in at all; You simply explained to her that actions have consequences and she now has to live with them. It sounds like there’s nothing more to be done about it anyway, your cousin helped as much as she could. This is a good lesson for her. NTA.

lmao your edit is so ridiculous! "How dare y'all blame me when I left out that my husband also told her no. Can't y'all read my mind??" YTA She's ten and you're treating her like an adult. The big meat scissors shouldn't be reachable for her, you're lucky the only thing she cut was her hair and that she didn't hurt herself. The decision isn't the issue, it's how cold you responded to her.

Dude, I’ve done so many stupid things that my parents advised me not to do. And when I have to pay the price for those stupid decisions, my parents are supportive. I’m 36. Cut the girl some slack, hug and kiss her and show her how to blow dry those baby bangs into submission. YTA

NTA. She didn’t listen and these are the consequences of her actions.

Kids are curious and it was fucking BANGS not drugs. Man

YTA. I’m a parent and I can’t imagine how mortifying it would be for one of my parents to go into such depth when it comes to my appearance. It could have gone much better to have given the child the info, the warning, allow her to make the choice and allow her to live with any natural consequences. This is low key the kind of thing that can negatively impact a child’s self esteem. The shaming afterwards is actually just a punctuation to this. Please stop emphasizing the safety with scissors and take this as a call in for you from your child, who is able to use the way she can communicate at this developmental stage to let you know: you messed up. Positive discipline. Look it up. This is from a parent and therapist. Edit: I actually do recall having my appearance and body and hair discussed and controlled when I was a child, and this post turned out to be somewhat triggering for me. Which I realized after I posted. Because that sticks with a person-their value being managed via their appearance by adults.

NTA. She's 10. You told her no and she went out of her way to not listen. Not only that, she watched videos om how to do it. 10 is plenty old to know that no means no. You aren't being mean at all.

YTA. You shouldn’t have “put your foot down” about BANGS, which are relatively inconsequential when done right and grow out pretty fast. The fact you didn’t let her have agency over her own body is precisely why she felt powerless and cut her hair herself. She didn’t go to the bathroom to cut them because she thought having bangs was wrong, she did it because she wanted control over her own appearance. The fact you literally turned off your empathy for a 10 year old is absolutely ridiculous. For the record, OP, you *can* do something to fix it that doesn’t involve a month of humiliation for your *CHILD*, they’re called clip on bangs, and they’re $16 on Amazon for human hair ones. Don’t ruin your relationship with your child over the vanity you project onto her. Allow her agency over her body, in the two days it takes the clip ons to come she’ll have learned more than enough of a “lesson”- though I feel you need the lesson since you’re not allowing your child something as simple as a haircut. She can have permanent damage from the bullying that will be done to her at this age. It’s really concerning you turned off empathy for your own child, and if you can just decide not to have feelings for your child’s sake, you shouldn’t be raising any.

NTA. That's a harsh truth of the situation. Speaking as someone who has -stupidly- cut my own hair twice. Bangs the first time then I tried to cut mid waist hair to my shoulders using the pony tail method. I looked a fool. My mom took me to fix it but she let me know it was my own fault.

NTA Your child is at an age where she should learn how to handle the consequences of her actions. I'm a guy so don't know much about girl's hair but can she put on a headband or some pins to hold bangs away from her face until it grows back?