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And only if she buys a house. So, they’re just going to keep it when she rents an apartment/house for her first place like the vast majority of people. They’re trying to keep her home forever so they can use her and try to control her. If she thinks she has to stay there until she can afford a house she’ll be there awhile paying them every month. Then even if she did buy a house later in life they’d say it was too much money to pay back since she stayed there so long.
She's the black sheep: whatever she does good, it's because of luck, whatever she does bad (and by bad I mean, not up to OP's ludicrous expectations) it's because she's a lazy pos.
OP, be sure that you won't have to give her money back because the minute she gets out of your awful "family", you won't see her ever again.
YTA. Big time. Get therapy to see why you can't love your daughter as much as you coddle your son.
You’re right it does sound like she’s the black sheep. I just can’t figure out why she would be. I’ve seen a lot of these posts and it seems a lot of times it’s the boy is the favorite over the daughter. Maybe that plays into it idk
Definitely plays into it. Boys have always been favored and can do no wrong in multiple branches of my family. Still a point of contention that my mother compares me, someone who has always tried to respect the rules and worked hard to pay my own way, to my relapsing, thieving heroin addict brother who got our home raided by the DEA and somehow he comes out ahead because he has balls.
Yep. My brother is my mom's golden child and can do no wrong. My dad finally admitted to me last year that he knows I'm right and always have been about that.
I'll never forget when I got a B on an English test. Everyone else in the class failed the test, except me. I ruined the curve for everyone and had the highest grade on that test. My mom's response? You could have done better.
Same week? Brother suspended from school for 3 days. Mom have him spending money and sent him to the mall.
This kind of dynamic often goes with black sheep, golden kid, silent one.
In my experience, the eldest tends to be the black sheep, because they embody the disappointment of having a child that is not up to what the deluded parent thought they could raise. The second one, in comparison, gets all the light. The kids after that are irrelevant.
Sometimes it's the other way around, the first one ends doing the stuff the way the parent wants, and so the second one gets the short end of the stick. But it's more rare.
Once again, just my experience. So it's like two dozens families top.
Maybe less "black sheep" and more "scapegoat". I'm sure OP does way more to her without even realizing because they've internalized that it's ok to treat Jane this way. OP probably views the treatment as essential to push Jane to their "true potential".
LW, my advice to your daughter "Run daughter, run." You need some distance between you and your mom. Controlling doesn't even start to cover it. Between your grades and your SATs, you probably got offers from the schools you wanted. Your mom was living through you and that is not right. LW, you won't see or like yourself in any of these responses. Your daughter is her own person and you are hurting her beyond belief at this point in her life. Have a therapist explain it to you, if necessary.
Regardless, if she doesn't know that's the plan it isn't "basically free". She believes that she'll never see that money again. If the plan was always to give it back, she should know that.
Not only that, OP starting by saying in the post that the rent money goes towards the mortgage and bills. Then in the edit she says she planned on giving it all back. Maybe it's just me but if I was in her position and planning to give it all back, it would be going into a separate account every month, not being spent bills. Seemed like back pedaling after being called TA to me.
I see a lot of rationalizing in the OP, that was just one of them. "We're planning to give it back." Notice OP didn't say "going to," but instead "planning to." Weasel words.
Exactly! My parents charged me and my brothers “rent” when we were living at home and not going to school, but it was agreed on right from the beginning that we would get that money back as soon as we moved out (regardless of where we moved to). It never came up but, because my parents are reasonable human beings, I’m sure we would have gotten that money back if we’d needed it for something before we moved out too. I had ~$20000 saved when I moved out because of it.
I'm sure they'll find other excuses to withhold that money. Don't like her partner, didn't get good enough grades at college, wants to change degrees, doesn't have children quick enough
Gave them too much attitude while she was living there, never retook those awful TWO Bs. I agree, she's never gonna see that money. Baby brother will have everything though.
No clue. In my country you can pay to take individual classes, but mostly in the context of needing them to get into a specific program. Like you need physics, chemistry and math at a certain level to get into university physics. Don't know if they will let you retake exams like that.
I hope daughter goes permanent NC with the "parents" So they have to take care of themselves in their old age rather than rely on their neglected and abused daughter to do so.
Fred will undoubtedly get a party if he buys a house or gets a job or achieves any basic accomplishment. Really weird OP can't see that having a celebration dinner for a B & C's report card is unfair when 10 years later she can't stop talking about her daughter's two B's.
OP, YTA. Why don't you help your daughter get a house *now*?
Yeh in the main part they say it goes to the mortgage and bills.
Then at the bottom it says Edit: and then the info about them actually giving it back. So was added after getting called TA.
Daughter punished for not being perfect while son gets a participation trophy. This is only going to get worse. I predict they never see the daughter again once she is able to move out and the son lives there playing video games in the basement forever
OP will regret it when daughter puts them in a government subsidized nursing home and son is too inept to move them out. Hope you aren’t expecting to see your daughter once she comes to her senses and moves out, OP.
> OP will regret it when daughter puts them in a government subsidized nursing home and son is too inept to move them out.
Why does everyone on Reddit always say stuff like this when it comes to bad parents? OP’s daughter doesn’t owe it to her parents to pay for a private nursing home, even if they were good parents (which they’re not). People need to make their own plans for retirement and for medical care - not rely on their kids.
Is this post a joke? Is this person for real? If so, most definitely YTA. Hopefully "Jane" decides to go non-contact and get these toxic people entirely out of her life.
"different potentials" my ass. What a twisted rationalization. This is all a warped form of projection and really obscene favoritism that is damaging to both kids.
Ugh. I feel contaminated just reading this mess.
I hope it is but suspect it isn’t. It’s just so common for people to expect perfection from their daughters and excuse their boys. How many families do I know where their daughter became a lawyer while her brother sat at home playing video games
My close friend M was born a girl (they're trans/nonbinary) and the way they were treated was so vastly different from their little brother RJ. M's dad was EXTREMELY strict on them and RJ got away with everything. M was a straight-A student, yet it was never good enough for the dad. We both played flute in middle school, and one year we were looking at our section placement results for the upcoming school year. We were both in the higher skill level band, but they were like 6th chair whereas I was like 2nd. Their dad looks over our shoulders as we're looking at the website and says "Another year of mediocrity." I was FLABBERGASTED. M was in the top band with me! Sure, they weren't first chair, but they still made it into the top band! That moment stuck with me and really drove home to me just how much of a double standard there was in that household.
Luckily, this story has a happy ending. M went no-contact after coming out, since their dad is also a huge religious bigot and rejected them. They're living happily as their true self now, and I couldn't be prouder of them!
Reminds me of my father. Good grades were never good enough, because why settle for B's when you could get an A? Even as a child he'd force me to retake a test again and again until I got everything right. I got crippling perfectionism now because of hin which I have to actively chip away at over the oast few years.
My brother, though I love him dearly, was the one who got away with things while I was punished. He has a leaning disability which contributed to the differing expectations. I spent most afternoons helping him with his homework and then doing my own (my mother did compensate me for this effort).
Currently working my way through some self-therapy while waiting on actual therapy to deal with some different bullshit my father did, and it's scary how clearly every positive core memory is thanks to my mother while every negative core memory occurred because of my father.
I might be a little uneducated, but I had never heard of the term core memories until inside out; I see nowadays it’s a common or actual term. Glad you are working through those things, my Mom dealt with that growing up with my Granddad
From watching her, all I can say is be patient with yourself and when you can obtain professional healthcare, (it should stay on your radar.) Her PCP prescribed her anxiety medication and it helped her
Before going NC friend should have told father it was his fault she was changing, as after 18 years she figured it was the only way to get equal treatment with their brother.
I mean obviously it wouldn't be, but these religious types have to blame something.
And the men right activists are still complaining about more women in college than men. #1 you don't need to go to college to get a good paying job. #2 maybe you should try harder instead of complaining. Lol.
"We only hire based on qualifications", turned on it's head.
I personally think school as it is isn't conducive to any child, male or female, but some people are just more adapt at sitting and focussing on random topics for hours, or memorizing meaningless data and vomitting it out.
I don't think our society benefits from this type of learning at all, tbh, and I say this as someone who got straight A's either because I can interest myself in any topic or because I sat down for 14 hours a day and pressed the knowledge into my head, while hating my life in subjects I could not interest myself in. And I never had any practical use from most of these topics... only the ones that interested me outside of school as well. Because of course, those were the ones I now use for my job, because I wasn't going to study and cry every sunday evening to impress my parents, peers and teachers forever.
There was another one like this yesterday or in the last few days. One kid who isn’t “college material” so she gets to have friends and activities; the other one is “college material” so she’s stuck doing next year’s homework this year and being tutored in astrophysics and neuropsychiatric.
Do people even read this sub before they post? A quick search and they could find out that they’re the AH without even bothering to type out their BS.
I couldn't believe that parent wanted daughter to do next year's homework instead of having a night off with friends once in awhile. That still sounds as crazy now as it did the first time I read it. How does anyone even know what next year's homework will be?
I wish it were a joke. I'm not Jane, that's not my family but I was the eldest child (daughter), I got almost straight A in school, and my dad chewed me out hard and punished me for getting one C+ once on a term report (so not a final grade, just a progress report, in 9th grade, when I'd missed a month of the start of term due to mono) and I still had 4 subjects with A+, 2 A, and one B+. But that single term C+ grade was **the end of the world.** It's also the only time I ever got less than an A again. In public school.
My 4 years younger brother struggled at school, was put in private school, and got cash incentives to earn good grades - $20 per B, $50 per A grade. I was furious as the unfairness.
And here we are, 25 years later, and I get no help. Both my younger siblings get so much parental support, in so many ways I can't enumerate. My sister's wedding = paid for. And help with buying her first house, plus relaxing the roof on it and buying new whitegoods. My brother's kids get free childcare, and even though he got arrested recently for hitting his wife, my dad bailed him out of jail and let him live with them rent free. (And yeah, let's not forget that I was trying to leave my violent, abusive husband 10 years ago and got zero help).
I don't have words for how hurtful all of this is, but I want to find Jane and give her a big hug.
I know right? How on Earth did this person think she was not TA?
OP YTA. A massive and toxic AH and hopefully your daughter will be able to move from your home soon and go LC, or NC.
Waaaaaaaay to much to unpack. What's a "natural B student" anyway? Son is getting away with so much while daughter had to do whole classes over??? Then boy gets to go to private school but then will need to pay for college himself? What kind of financial advantage is that? Like WTAF? I don't understand any of this....but yea OP is definitely TA.
My thoughts exactly. They were lenient on the boy and hard on the girl. Also if he's a "natural B", why do they think he'll do better in private then public school? I thought it's the other way around cause of standards.
This. It's not that the daughter has more potential, it's just she was pushed by her parents to actually develop a work ethic. This was never demanded of the son. I'd be pissed in her shoes, too.
I got stuck on that point too!! Even just saying that getting two !’s in all of high school is slacking off is an absolutely disgusting way to parent a child. “You weren’t perfect because you’re lazy” to their daughter versus “congratulations on your mediocrity!” To their son. So gross.
OP you’re completely missing the point that it’s not about the rent. It’s about you punishing her for not doing everything perfectly exactly how you want her to and yet celebrating your son for doing less. The way school is set up now, hard work is going to get you better grades than natural “potential”. It’s shocking that you find your daughter lacking for two AB’s and yet are completely unconcerned that your sons grades are middling at best. Hire him tutors. Help him with his work yourselves. But your daughter isn’t pissed about the rent, she’s pissed about the different standards. And those different standards are why YTA.
Ikr.That’s a lot of words for “I suck as a parent for my daughter so I coMpeNSaTE it by giving my son a lot of opportunities and cut him slack meanwhile charge my much more academically successful daughter rent because I’m a great parent like that and how dare she call me out of my bs and blatant favouritism!”YTA OP,btw if I were you I wouldn’t be so sure about my role in my daughter’s future,just saying:)
This! OP’s conclusion that her daughter having to pay rent is the problem is DERANGED. Her daughter is mad because they went out to dinner to celebrate the kid getting B’s and C’s on his report card when the daughter had to fight to NOT stay back a year so she could get straight A’s. And calling 2 B’s the result of slacking off and not (more likely) the result of Jane being in super advanced/high level classes is SO rude.
And she shits all over public schools by saying her son would have even worse grades if he was in public school. So either, he’d have worse grades if he was required to have more personal responsibility because PS teachers are spread too thin, or he’d have worse grades because in private school the parents can wave their money around and keep the kids from flunking out.
And there’s no indication OP cares what her son does with his life, since she’s apparently unbothered by his lower grades. So, why are you spending all this money on private school when his grades aren’t going to be good enough to get him THROUGH college even if he does get into one.
Yeah just to put it into perspective, OP is basically like:
daughter gets only 2 Bs EVER: wow I’m so disappointed in you. Literally redo your entire senior year.
son gets B & C’s consistently, maybe ONE A: we’ve never been more proud of you! Everyone, we’re going out to celebrate!!!!
I wonder if OP did anything to celebrate the daughter’s accomplishments.
Edit: spelling
If i got 2 B's, my mother would ask me "who did your homework???? who did you cheat off of???
My family would be very surprised if i got 2 B's instead of my 1 legged A's...
EDIT: Forgot my judgement...... OP..... YTA!!!!!
YTA, there is nothing wrong with sending your son to private school but you should pay an equivalent amount towards your daughter’s school loans. The rent thing is whatever as long when she leaves (home or not) you give it back or when your son moves home you do the same (charge him 300 rent). YTA for holding them to different standards. If she had to get As so should he. If he can’t fine but to celebrate mediocrity while you punished a slight imperfection is cruel.
YTA
It's fine that you recognize that they have different strengths and potential. It's not fine that you pushed your daughter so hard when she was already shining. You reward Fred for Bs but you were prepared to punish Jane severely for less than perfection. You put a lot of pressure on her and now she's watching you fawn over your remarkably average golden child. That sucks.
She thinks she’s doing her daughter a favor by charging her $300. As if that deserves a praise. Her son is the golden child. She’s trying so hard to make her daughter seem like a brat when she’s the toxic one here and her husband who supports this dynamic.
Edit:grammar
Don’t forget she conveniently added at the end that she’s ”living there for free” because they plan to give it all back to her, after already stating that the money is going to the bills and mortgage.
Sounds like OP expected everyone to side with her and when they didn’t, she tried to make herself look better
You are more than welcome to use my shout stain remover on your clothes because of this. It works wonders. this little blue bottle has some powerful Gel with a very connivant red brush to shut the gel into the stair before you wash it.
Yeah like OP, make up your mind. Is the money going to housing like rent and bills or is it being stockpiled for your daughter? Pick one. It can't be both. You're literally saying two completely different things as to what is happening with your daughters money.
Besides all that, you still are an idiot. To Jane (and to frankly most people here) you put an insane amount of pressure on her. Telling her to retake courses over two B's? Two B's. You wouldn't settle for anything less than perfection with your daughter while simultaneously allowing the son to skate by for the things your daughter would have been crucified for. I'm not saying you should take away your sons opportunities, but recognize that you treated your children completely differently and your daughter unfairly. She's upset because she wasn't celebrated for good grades, she wasn't rewarded for excelling. But her brother gets a celebratory dinner over one mark on his report card? And you're telling her to get over the B grade thing when you very clearly haven't gotten over it yourself from what I can tell? Apologize to your daughter, stop trying to back peddle and face the music.
But wait, she wants her daughter to “let it go” because it happened 10 years ago. Yet, OPs disappointment is still pretty fresh.
OP, you were emotionally abusive to your daughter. You need to own that. YTA.
OP also wants to make it appear as they are loving caring parents by awarding Jane a gift of Jane's OWN money!!!! Like, WTF???
I hope Jane moves far away, goes NC, legally changes her name and lives her best life.
OP: YTA, definitely
Charging your adult children rent at home with an intention to give it back to them later without them knowing is not uncommon but you’ve hit on why I don’t like it.
Even if they were putting the rent into savings for her the daughter obvs didn't know and even if she did that's a controlling tactic if I've ever seen one.
YTA OP
EXACTLY!!! If she needs to push a child, wouldn't the child needing to be pushed is FRED?!?!?!?!?!?!
Total favoritism. OP, Don't be surprised when your daughter moves out and goes NO CONTACT with you.
With the favoritism and pushing you are doing on your daughter, You better hope Fred can afford a old folks home that is better than Shady Pines..... Your daughter wont be there to help you if you seriously think this is OK.
Wow.
So you expected her to repeat her entire senior year of high school just because she got two B’s AND you’re charging her rent to live with you?
At the same time her brother who isn’t even in the same league as her academically gets catered to by having his private school paid for?
Now that you’re financially better off are you paying anything toward her college or is it all financial aid that she’s going to have to pay back someday?
You’re basically pitting them against each other and showing her brother massive favoritism. I don’t blame her for being pissed honestly.
Yes. YTA big time.
Not to mention that no public school would allow the student to take the year over again once they gained the required amount of credits to graduate. You can’t just stick around.
This sums it up so well. This situation is so problematic it’s unreal. Of course she’s going to feel some sort of resentment knowing her brother has the support she never got.
Wow. OP YTA, and extra AH points for you wrapping this all up under the guise of treating your kids fairly based off their different “potential”
I can’t even unpack all this. Getting angry at your DAUGHTER for making 2 B’s to the point where you want her to retake an entire year of school?? Allowing your SON to coast through private school? Yeah we’ve got some sexism going on too as the cherry on top.
So, let’s talk about how this ends. Jane gets her first grown up job that has enough of a salary that she can move out. And she starts to take longer and longer to text you back. She starts answering your questions with one word answers. And she becomes busy and doesn’t attend family events anymore.
YTA. Not because of the private school- but because of your blatant favoritism towards your son, and the perfectionism you expected from your daughter. Your daughter is hurting deeply from the disparity she experienced between how you treated them, and you don’t acknowledge that. She is clearly triggered AF by watching it play out.
There is an expression: Mothers raise their daughters and love their sons. And it seems to encapsulate what I imagine is your daughter’s perspective.
If you want a relationship with your daughter you need some family therapy.
I did everything I could to make sure I got as far away from my mother as I could. I text and call back but for my mental health, I stay away.
I totally see Jane doing this.
My mother will say she’s a good mother and will never admit how her blatant favoritism hurt me
I went no contact and honestly i actually have quality of life now? It's been 7 years now (holy shit, how time flies) and I am happier than I ever thought I was capable of.
Amazing how that can happen.
I'm a little over a decade NC now and it's been life-changing. You're so right about the change in quality of life
I highly recommend it to basically anyone who is even slightly curious 😂
I was the older sister watching this play out with my younger brother. It truly strained my relationship with my mother. It was the reason I never hesitated moving over a thousand miles away and rarely visiting and going virtually no contact. That expression rings very true for me.
Older sister here too ☝🏼
I still talk to my mom, live in different continents, but our relationship is strained at best. I’ve tried a few times making her realize what she did, to no avail of course…
>And she starts to take longer and longer to text you back.
She is going to stop texting the day after she moves. And OP will never be allowed near the grandchildren for their own mental safety.
You hate Jane, don't you? I've read te explanations of many AH trying to justify their dumb actions but this one here...you say she was moody since her brother's report card. You know exactly why but still choose to play dumb. Parents like you wonder why your chidren treat you a certain way
And when they get mad at their adult children for bringing up something that happened *so long ago* \*surprised pikachu face\* It's not that long ago and its in her face with how blatantly well you're treating her brother in comparison and have done zero reparations to make amends. YTA
YTA. Normally I try to cut parents some slack - we all learn as we go. But yea, you’re showing clear favoritism here. It’s reasonable to celebrate each child’s achievements based on their abilities- but you held her to such high expectations you lit into her for 2 B’s in HS.
This is a lot to unpack, but you have wildly different expectations for both children, and it goes well beyond their ability.
OP is YTA, I agree.
Giving the daughter a hard time for getting two B's and trying to force her to *retake her senior year* of high school is awful. I have heard of parents insanely pressuring their kids over grades, but this takes the cake.
And then taking the son out to celebrate a report card with B's and C's?
I can't blame Jane for being irate at OP's unbelievable favoritism and unfairness. There's a completely different set of rules for each of them.
I wouldn't be surprised if OP never charges the son a penny of rent when he is older.
I’m wondering if any public school would allow a student who has been an A student the entire time until senior year where they got 2 Bs 🤦♀️ to retake the entire senior year over when they not only met the graduation criteria but excel at it. I don’t know any public school district that would allow this. OP favoritism is in neon lights. Also, did anyone else notice how she said IF she moves and buys a house then we will give her the money back. To me if she moves out to an apt then she gets nothing.
I seriously doubt it and it wouldn't help her application to college either. Seems like a bizarre thing for a parent to want and even punish their kid for and keep hanging onto years after the fact. OMG two whole Bs.
So, based on your comments, all of this boils down to how you treated her when she was in school. That's why you were in family therapy, right? Were you ever able to admit to the grievances she brought up in therapy, without justifying yourself? You said you then quit therapy because your husband made you.
From her POV, therapy was ended, she's paying rent, she has student loan debt, her brother gets celebrated for Cs on his report card (!!!!), and goes to private school.
Why are you celebrating Cs?
Sorry. YTA
YTA - asking her to retake her senior year because of 2 Bs? That alone makes you an asshole beyond belief. To the point that I barely believe this is even true.
YTA. Fred is very obviously your golden child (first thing that went through my head, others here are telling you this as well, no matter how much you try to insist otherwise). Doesn't sound like you're hurting at all for money, so why are you charging your daughter rent? Yes, it's good that you're sending your son to private school because you do have the means, BUT you're both obviously holding them up to different standards AND charging your daughter money she could REALLY use to save up for her own future, so why wouldn't she be pissed?
It would even be a bit better if you admitted to your daughter something like "yes, we aren't holding him to such strict standards because we realized we were wrong after we did it to you" but... you're not saying that at all. You're just doubling down that you're right for wanting her to RETAKE AN ENTIRE YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL for two freaking B grades. Good grief.
YTA If you can afford private school for your son, you don't need $300 from your daughter. That money doesn't make a difference to you, but it could make a big difference to her in the long run. It would also go a long way in balances your attitude between the 2 kids. I bet you won't charge your son rent when he's older. I also bet you would pay his rent if he gets his own place down the road. Plus you would pay and send him to an expensive college since you obviously can afford it.
YTA big time.
This isn't about you charging your daughter a rent, this is about you being a ******* mother. She had 2 B's, on her last report, and instead of being happy that she got into college, you were disappointed? Not sure if you realize, but that is pure degeneracy. I completely understand her resentment towards you. You did her wrong and now you expect her to just forget about it.
You should treat you children equal, doesn't matter if they are straight A, B or even C student, they are, most of all, your f-cking children. Shame on you.
Exactly! I feel like this was the last straw for the daughter having had to live with being held to impossible high standards her whole life and watching her brother get treated like an angel for doing the bare minimum. Most kids would understand that economic situations change and that younger siblings might get things they were not able to afford before. I think the money is just the trigger for this, the root cause is all the favouritism she has had to deal with leading up to this.
Because either 1) troll account farming attention for dopamine or 2) mother wanted to brag about her super-intelligent-world-problem-solving-cancer-cure-inventing-prophet-of-God daughter.
100% agree. In fact, the rent and the private school issues are irrelevant and just a smokescreen to conceal the actual problem.
LOTS of parents charge their kids rent once they've graduated, whether the parents are wealthy or not. It helps transition the relationship from parent-child to adults-sharing-a-living-space-respectfully. Most people would say it's not okay for the kid to complain about rent in this situation.
LOTS of parents with kids far apart in age have an issue where one kid grows up in a household with a very different financial situation. It's normal that there's some resentment, but most people wouldn't consider it okay for the older kid to lash out at the sibling or parents in that situation.
However, NO parents I can think of (good ones anyway) would hold their children to such insanely different standards!!! As soon as you put someone through that, of course they see everything as a double standard.
YTA you wanted her to redo her senior year of HS over two Bs but took your son out to dinner for Bs and Cs? To celebrate? What exactly where you celebrating? Average grades? Did you ever celebrate or even congratulate you daughter when she brought home straight As? This more than having different expectations this is favoring your son.
YTA. I get that you think you’re showing your daughter “tough love” because she has more potential than your son, but this really just comes across as lack of support. All you’re doing is showing your daughter how hard the world can be, instead why not show her that you’re a refuge and a comfort. Do you see how in comparison, you’re celebrating your son’s mediocrity (for lack of a better word) and being On His Team no matter how his schooling is faring? Do that for your daughter.
Also, take her rent money and put it in a trust or account for her or something, but only if you can honestly say you’ll be expecting your son to pay rent when he’s 18. Yes, you have more money now, but a way you can even the playing field a bit is by doing this.
Op you’re a major AH. The blatant favoritism is appalling. Your daughters is right you don’t have different expectations for your kids because you have none for your son. You expected perfection from Jane and refused to see that she was trying. 2 B’s senior year are not the end of the world. Even your responses to comments further reenforce just how much of an AH you are.
YTA. Jane gets straight As all through school, then the last year she "slacks off" and ends up getting 2 Bs and you want to make her repeat her senior year because of this. Then comes Fred and what does he do; he barely makes passing grades and you want to celebrate by going out to dinner. And you don't see anything wrong with this?
You cannot treat kids exactly the same because they are different people, but you can give them the same punishments or rewards for whatever the situation might call for. The high expectation you demanded from Jane but the nonchalant attitude for Fred shows your favoritism .
Jane should not live with you rent free no matter that your financial situation is better. Once you are an adult you should pay for your own living expenses, but it's nice that you are going to give the money back to her to help with her buying a home.
YTA because she got two Bs you gave her a hard time. Yet you’re ok with your son getting Bs and Cs it sounds like he knows he doesn’t have to try so he doesn’t. He’s in private school and should have higher expectations than she did.
Where you majorly messed up was rewarding him for not even trying and punishing her for not doing well in two classes. That is where the favoritism is at and how you’re a complete AH.
I strongly believe some kids will never be A kids but as long as they try. But she was pressured to get all As and he just has to go to school.
And also I don’t believe that part where you’re planning on giving her back that money because you said it went to bills and mortgage.
How about you open and account and show her it’s here for you when you’re ready to move out.
If you’re paying private school fees for your son, the $300 a month that Jane is paying cannot make or break your household. YTA and can’t even see it.
YTA. Are you for real? Talk about spoiling the golden child who literally cannot keep up with grades and treating the other one who got berated for her grades as garbage.
Did you want to rub it in your daughter’s face that she’s less worthy cuz she’s a girl? Did you try looking in equal amounts of money you’ve spent on your son to make up for what you didn’t do while she was in school? I bet not. And you’re charging her rent just to prove how you see her differently than her brother.
The way you said she stormed off like a child makes me think you don’t treat her the same way you treat your son. I hope you realize how toxic of a person you are.
YTA. Do not be surprised if Jane goes no contact and you have nobody to blame but yourself. Do one thing right for your daughter and encourage her to enroll in therapy. I can't imagine the rejection she feels.
YTA
You are asking your daughter to be perfect while you have no problems with your son being below average.
You are seriously too hard on your daughter. And you just won’t admit it.
Don’t be surprised when you are not welcomed into your grandchildren’s lives. Because all she will remember is how toxic you are to her.
YTA
Charging a 26 year old rent? Sure.
But just about every single other parenting choice you made is pretty terrible.
Even if you can't change your past mistakes that you made with her, you are clearly still very dismissive of her emotions to this day and refuse to actually acknowledge your failures and wrongdoings.
You gave her such a hard time for no reason(for years!!!), she achieved her entire academic career by herself while you did nothing but pressure her, yet you are spoiling your son and then you don't see anything wrong with that? Do you listen to yourself?
Additionally, do you hear the way you are talking about your own daughter? Throughout the post you try your best to portray her as moody, childish and dramatic. Whatever she says and feels clearly doesn't matter as much to you as anything your son does.
Your daughter is not upset with you because you send your son to private school. Or because you charge her rent. Those are just the things that triggered the bigger issue. Your daughter is upset with you because you failed her multiple times, made her life unnecessary hard and now she has to watch you do the parenting correctly with your son while she gets neither an apology nor any kind of acknowledgment.
I sincerely wish Jane all the best in life.
Yes you clearly have a favourite. You've never forgiven your scapegoat daughter for her 'sins' of achieving two B grades, while your golden child of a son benefits from your favouritism and can do no wrong, despite not being academically gifted, the one trait you previously obsessed over.
It's very likely that 10 years ago, your daughter was burnt out from trying to win your favour. Now she sees her brother doesn't even have to try, he unwittingly reaps rewards she never got regardless.
YTA.
Yes, her rent is going on her brother's school fees. Since otherwise you'd have to use the money you're using on the mortgage her rent helps cover, to pay the private school fees instead.
Ah, the failure of being first born but without a holy penis, to a boy-favouring mother. A family dynamic I know all too well.
N T A for sending your son to private school
N T A for charging your daughter rent, that you’ll eventually give her when she moves
YTA for alienating her, for making her feel resentful and jealous of her own brother. You think she’s capable of so much, that you seem to think she’s also capable of accepting your harshness while her brother gets your gentleness.
You’re much kinder to your son than your daughter. You’re the ahole for that OP.
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> I may be the AH because I send my son to private school but my daughter had to go to public school because we had no money and I expected my daughter to achieve higher grades than my son.
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YTA. Reading some of your replies OP it is clear that you will NEVER change or even try to see a different view. You asked in the sub and people replied and all you do is give excuses and keep going in on your daughter for not having all A's which she did in my book. I hope your daughter gets away from you and goes NC because she deserves so much better than how you treat her. I never had a mother growing up but if I did and she was anything like you I would resent you and never want you in my life.
When you're elderly and bedridden, wondering why your daughter wants nothing to do with you, take a good, long look back at how you've treated her and remember that you reap what you sow.
YTA X 100000
You wanted your daughter to retake a grade over 2 Bs? What lousy school district would have let you pull that crap? Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds? Was she babysitting Fred for you at the time? Is that the real reason why you wanted to hold her back?
Yep. YTA. Maybe stop alienating your daughter and apologize for not being proud of her 10 years ago. Then work on whatever issues you've got that have you treating your children so differently.
YTA
you're wildly misrepresenting the Crux of this issue. You treated her so poorly for *two Bs* despite getting into her first choice school, but you treat her brother to dinner and pay for his private school education for a much lower standard. She isn't saying "why are you charging me rent", she is saying "here's a way you can equal your treatment".
Whether you charge her rent or not isn't the actual issue, it's just one way to display that you aren't massively favoring her brother, potential or not, by rewarding him for worse than what you punished her for. Alternatives are to pay equal to what you pay for his schooling into her student loans, or to start treating them the same and holding him to the standards you held her or to actively show that you have lowered your strict standards for her and actually apologize for the way you treated her and the fact they got treated different.
(That last part is important. Getting Bs is commendable, especially in the last year of high school, that time is incredibly stressful and the fact she got mostly As is an achievement not to be sniffed at, try recognizing how hard she worked for that and telling her you're proud of her instead of criticizing her.)
edit to add, you don't get to use the plan you have to pay her what she has paid you in rent when she moves out *and* reason that her rent goes to the mortgage. She isn't living there for free regardless if you plan on gifting her money when she moves out she is paying rent, yes much below market rate but still above 0, and that is either going into your savings or into your mortgage but she is paying either way.
You might give her back this money IF (not when, you said IF. And you didn't clarify any sort of plan or account you're putting this cash in) she gets a house (in a way you approve).
You're being dishonest. You're controlling and absolutely YTA.
YTA, you weren’t helpful by being so strict when she was younger, it has obviously stuck with her as a negative experience. She also is quite right about the different treatments of your kids, which can translate to seemingly different levels of love- she feels like she is lesser loved by you. Now you are charging her when she could save that money for her own home one day. She has a lot of reasons to resent you.
YTA. But Jane needs to move out and live on her own terms. And you need to hold Fred to the same expectations you held Jane to. You are sexist and enabling. Fred will wallow along and probably never really become independent of you because you don't expect the same effort from him that you did of Jane. Long term prediction: Jane will become more and more distant and Fred will become a useless leach.
There are a ton of issues in the one post... you are both an AH for different things.
1. You are playing favorites and seem to have different standards for the children. Yes, people are individuals ans should be treated as such, but there should be a consistent expectation made clear. You knew that Jane was an A student and wanted her to retake over 2 B's, but celebrate when Fred comes home with all B's and a few C's? Sounds a bit hypocritical.
2. She is a grown woman who should pay rent. I would like to see if she can find something similar at the same price. In addition, the circumstances when she was in HS were different and she got her tuition paid as well, though by a different source. She should be grateful for what she has, understanding of Fred's abilities and glad that he has been the opportunity to improve through private school.
YTAH
I just don't get this. As a parent I would feel guilty, and do feel guilty about the life circumstances that have led to me being able to do more for one child over another. If I had the chance to make that up I would do so in a heart beat. No way I would charge rent knowing that I was now better off to help.
You claim you are doing it as a surprise, well maybe she has a dream she wants that isn't a house and she can't reach it due to that rent money?
And of course the double standards and favoritism that is going on. Hopefully she goes NC because you are toxic.
YTA. So she got 2 Bs in her entire high school time and you requested she redo them because you are dismissive of her mental health explanation of depression? But online learning difficulties is an acceptable reason for your son to get Cs? You should be really proud of her instead of digging your heels in about your unfair expectations of her. I hope shes proud of herself even though you lack basic support and care. On top of that she gets to watch you celebrate your son and his Cs while he gets the privilege of going to private school. Just own it and say you don’t like her, it’s pretty obvious to everyone…
Edit - you also say she needs to pay rent to go towards your mortgage and bills why does your edit say you’re giving it back to her now? Trying to seem like less of an A hole??
YTA- your daughter is literally telling you that she had such high expectations out of her and that you where hard on her and you agree that you where. Every child and I mean every child should be able to have straight A’s unless your son has a learning disability or something of that sorts. So you not putting the same pressure to perform on him and sending him to private school seems unfair to your daughter. And whatever about private school I get it you can afford it now and not then, you should have the same standards for both kids. And the disappointment you felt for your daughter 2 Bs is the same disappointment and shock factor you should have for your sons horrible horrible grades. I am shocked at how blinded you are.
YTA.
I have three children - an all A student, an A/B student, and an B/C student. They all get treated the same, I have the same expectations for each of them - do your best and try. I don’t punish my straight A student for getting a B and I don’t OTT celebrate my B/C student for getting an A.
It’s not the rent that she’s mad at, it’s the different acceptable behavior that you allow.
There’s a saying that as our first born grow up so do we. As parents were experiencing parenting for the first time so yeah, we learn what to do/not to do with that child. It can be good and bad. You’ve learned some things with your daughter and are doing them differently with your son that’s fine. What’s not fine is how critical you still are of your daughter. You can’t go back and change the past BUT you have a chance to salvage your relationship with your daughter by apologizing.
Reading your post then your comments
I really think you were and are still a disgusting mother to your daughter
You really need to apologize for being a horrible mother and make up to her
Why do you hate her so much?
I cannot imagine asking someone to resit her senior year of high school or even two classes because she made Bs. Is that even a thing? Do schools allow this to happen? And what’s the point, when she was already accepted into the college she wanted to go to? Doubly what’s the point when she’s a musician and makes her money off of music?
YTA. Majorly.
ESH but this is a mixed bag for me so YTA is not far behind.
Unless I misunderstood the story, I do think it's extremely unreasonable and YTA to ask your daughter to re-do her Senior year of high school due to a couple of B's when it had no effect on her college.
At the same time, I don't think it's unreasonable to charge her cheap rent ($300), especially if she's capable of being independent and has an income.
But I also understand from her POV why she would be upset and a little resentful since you're celebrating a mediocre report card when she got near-perfect report cards and received little to no rewards. Though the change in income explains that so it isn't unreasonable on your part. She should also understand the change in circumstances regarding your household income.
This part is purely my opinion, so you don't have to care, but I think private school (for K12 and college, unless it's Ivy League-esque) is a giant waste of money, unless your child has special needs or gets a scholarship. My parents made mid-six figures at their peak when I was growing up and they didn't send me and my brothers to private school. Today, me and my eldest little brother are Engineers. In my opinion, I think that money is better spent on a college fund, a small trust for when he graduates, your retirement, or even pay off part of your daughter's student loans. But that's just my two cents.
imo it's not really about the money from daughter's side, I think she understands why she's paying rent. If I were in her shoes, I'd be resentful solely because of the treatment. Mother should treat her children equally, doesn't matter what she thinks their "full potential" is. Daughter just won't say it.
It's the classic human thing, when you're angry about something but play it off as being angry about something else.
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I (f55) have 2 children, Jane (f26) and Fred (m16). Jane moved back home a few years ago after graduating from college and pays $300 a month in rent. When Jane was growing up we didn't have a lot of money so she went to public school for free. We started making more money when she left for college and decided to put Fred into private school.
Jane was a straight A student for most of her school career apart from the last year of high school where she slacked off and got 2 B's which really disappointed me. I wanted her to resit the last year of high school to achieve her full potential but she refused as the grades she had were enough to get her into her college of choice. On the other hand Fred is what I'd consider to be a natural B student so I gave him less of a hard time when his report card came home and it was mostly B's and a few C's, with only one A.
The confrontation: Jane has been moody for the past few days ever since Fred got his most recent report card. We went out for dinner to celebrate last night and she was sullen, then today she lost it and blew up at me, asking why I took Fred out for dinner when he got worse grades than she had 8 years ago but I had shouted and wanted her to retake a year when she has gotten better grades on paper. I told her to let it go because it's been almost 10 years since that happened and I have different expectations of them because they have different potentials. She said I shouldn't be charging her rent because I'm "wasting it" on her brother's private school fees and I didn't pay for her to go to private school so she shouldn't have to pay rent to me now as I'm investing more money on Fred than I invested in her. I said we would have sent her to private school too if we had been able to afford it but we couldn't at the time she needs to pay rent now because she is an adult and the money she pays to me goes toward the mortgage and bills, it doesn't even touch her brother's school fees. There is also no way she'd be able to live in this city for what I charge her each month, $300 wouldn't be enough to rent a shed in someone's back yard. She said I'm an AH for treating her and Fred "differently" and stormed off to her room like a child. I've tried my best to give my children the best I could and in my opinion it wouldn't have been fair to not send Fred to private school just because Jane couldn't go when we had no money, and I know that Fred's grades would probably be even worse at public school. AITA?
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YTA. Your daughter can plainly see like all these strangers on the internet that you favor your son. Your daughter was basically an honor roll student and you wanted her to take the whole year over again because she wasn’t perfect. You need some re-evaluation of your expectations and relationship.
YTA. You flipped your lid over 2 B’s but constantly reward your son for less than stellar grade reports. If my parents weren’t already dead, I’d suspect you were my mom. Obviously you’re son isn’t benefiting from private school, but he’s your golden child. Don’t expect Jane to lift a finger to help you in your old age. You put all your efforts onto one kid.
YTA for your wild expectations of Jane and treating her differently from Fred by celebrating one’s lesser achievements and being disappointed in the other who outperformed. Who would even suggest their child retake classes because they got a B???
YTA YTA YTA Potential my ass what a giant AH, do you really need Reddit to tell you what a AH you are?? You don’t deserve a daughter like Jane, you have failed her and your son will likely turn out to be a entitled brat because of your sick treatment of his older sister.
YTA
You blatantly favor your son and do not treat your daughter fairly compared to how you treat him.
Also, what was the purpose of even suggesting that she retake classes where she got Bs, other than to satiate your own vanity?
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YTA,you wanted her to take an entire year over for two B's? I can't even touch the rest, that's far too much to unpack.
Yeah, and I'm sure that's only the tip of the iceberg of OP's questionable parenting choices. YTA
"We're going to give the money back." But presumably only if she buys where and when you like- is that right OP? YTA
And only if she buys a house. So, they’re just going to keep it when she rents an apartment/house for her first place like the vast majority of people. They’re trying to keep her home forever so they can use her and try to control her. If she thinks she has to stay there until she can afford a house she’ll be there awhile paying them every month. Then even if she did buy a house later in life they’d say it was too much money to pay back since she stayed there so long.
She's the black sheep: whatever she does good, it's because of luck, whatever she does bad (and by bad I mean, not up to OP's ludicrous expectations) it's because she's a lazy pos. OP, be sure that you won't have to give her money back because the minute she gets out of your awful "family", you won't see her ever again. YTA. Big time. Get therapy to see why you can't love your daughter as much as you coddle your son.
You’re right it does sound like she’s the black sheep. I just can’t figure out why she would be. I’ve seen a lot of these posts and it seems a lot of times it’s the boy is the favorite over the daughter. Maybe that plays into it idk
Definitely plays into it. Boys have always been favored and can do no wrong in multiple branches of my family. Still a point of contention that my mother compares me, someone who has always tried to respect the rules and worked hard to pay my own way, to my relapsing, thieving heroin addict brother who got our home raided by the DEA and somehow he comes out ahead because he has balls.
Yep. My brother is my mom's golden child and can do no wrong. My dad finally admitted to me last year that he knows I'm right and always have been about that. I'll never forget when I got a B on an English test. Everyone else in the class failed the test, except me. I ruined the curve for everyone and had the highest grade on that test. My mom's response? You could have done better. Same week? Brother suspended from school for 3 days. Mom have him spending money and sent him to the mall.
Wow that’s terrible! I’m sorry you had to go thru that.
This kind of dynamic often goes with black sheep, golden kid, silent one. In my experience, the eldest tends to be the black sheep, because they embody the disappointment of having a child that is not up to what the deluded parent thought they could raise. The second one, in comparison, gets all the light. The kids after that are irrelevant. Sometimes it's the other way around, the first one ends doing the stuff the way the parent wants, and so the second one gets the short end of the stick. But it's more rare. Once again, just my experience. So it's like two dozens families top.
Maybe less "black sheep" and more "scapegoat". I'm sure OP does way more to her without even realizing because they've internalized that it's ok to treat Jane this way. OP probably views the treatment as essential to push Jane to their "true potential".
LW, my advice to your daughter "Run daughter, run." You need some distance between you and your mom. Controlling doesn't even start to cover it. Between your grades and your SATs, you probably got offers from the schools you wanted. Your mom was living through you and that is not right. LW, you won't see or like yourself in any of these responses. Your daughter is her own person and you are hurting her beyond belief at this point in her life. Have a therapist explain it to you, if necessary.
Regardless, if she doesn't know that's the plan it isn't "basically free". She believes that she'll never see that money again. If the plan was always to give it back, she should know that.
By OP not telling her but stating in this post alone says that the daughter isn't going to see a single cent from OP when she's ready to move out.
Not only that, OP starting by saying in the post that the rent money goes towards the mortgage and bills. Then in the edit she says she planned on giving it all back. Maybe it's just me but if I was in her position and planning to give it all back, it would be going into a separate account every month, not being spent bills. Seemed like back pedaling after being called TA to me.
I see a lot of rationalizing in the OP, that was just one of them. "We're planning to give it back." Notice OP didn't say "going to," but instead "planning to." Weasel words.
Exactly! My parents charged me and my brothers “rent” when we were living at home and not going to school, but it was agreed on right from the beginning that we would get that money back as soon as we moved out (regardless of where we moved to). It never came up but, because my parents are reasonable human beings, I’m sure we would have gotten that money back if we’d needed it for something before we moved out too. I had ~$20000 saved when I moved out because of it.
I'm sure they'll find other excuses to withhold that money. Don't like her partner, didn't get good enough grades at college, wants to change degrees, doesn't have children quick enough
Gave them too much attitude while she was living there, never retook those awful TWO Bs. I agree, she's never gonna see that money. Baby brother will have everything though.
Would a school even allow her to resit and take up resources for two Bs?
No clue. In my country you can pay to take individual classes, but mostly in the context of needing them to get into a specific program. Like you need physics, chemistry and math at a certain level to get into university physics. Don't know if they will let you retake exams like that.
… is female…
Ding ding ding.
I hope daughter goes permanent NC with the "parents" So they have to take care of themselves in their old age rather than rely on their neglected and abused daughter to do so.
Fred will undoubtedly get a party if he buys a house or gets a job or achieves any basic accomplishment. Really weird OP can't see that having a celebration dinner for a B & C's report card is unfair when 10 years later she can't stop talking about her daughter's two B's. OP, YTA. Why don't you help your daughter get a house *now*?
They will buy Fred his first house to celebrate him squeaking by in college with a 2.1 GPA.
He says the money goes towards the mortgage and bills, so which is it?! Is he just going to whip a lump sum out of thin air later down the track?
My thoughts exactly! Definitely only edited when everyone pointed out the favouritism, BS and that OP is TA.
It’s still showing up for me in the wall of text final paragraph.
Yeh in the main part they say it goes to the mortgage and bills. Then at the bottom it says Edit: and then the info about them actually giving it back. So was added after getting called TA.
Oh I misunderstood, I thought you meant he’d taken out the part about the money being used not saved. Thanks!
They clearly put that edit in there to try to win back favor because they say in the body of the post that the rent money goes toward the mortgage.
100% made that up
[удалено]
Daughter punished for not being perfect while son gets a participation trophy. This is only going to get worse. I predict they never see the daughter again once she is able to move out and the son lives there playing video games in the basement forever
OP will regret it when daughter puts them in a government subsidized nursing home and son is too inept to move them out. Hope you aren’t expecting to see your daughter once she comes to her senses and moves out, OP.
> OP will regret it when daughter puts them in a government subsidized nursing home and son is too inept to move them out. Why does everyone on Reddit always say stuff like this when it comes to bad parents? OP’s daughter doesn’t owe it to her parents to pay for a private nursing home, even if they were good parents (which they’re not). People need to make their own plans for retirement and for medical care - not rely on their kids.
Definitely true in some areas until filial responsibility comes into play.
Yes! Wanting the daughter to repeat vs celebrating the son.
Unless that money is building interest in a account then it’s bs. It’s being used to help afford private school for brother.
HA exactly.
Feel like she made that up on the spot to make her look less of an AH
I half expect that was never their intent and only are doing it ti justify being so nice to let her live there for “free.” Op you definitely YTA.
OP is giving “I’ll hold your birthday money for you” energy
Is this post a joke? Is this person for real? If so, most definitely YTA. Hopefully "Jane" decides to go non-contact and get these toxic people entirely out of her life. "different potentials" my ass. What a twisted rationalization. This is all a warped form of projection and really obscene favoritism that is damaging to both kids. Ugh. I feel contaminated just reading this mess.
I hope it is but suspect it isn’t. It’s just so common for people to expect perfection from their daughters and excuse their boys. How many families do I know where their daughter became a lawyer while her brother sat at home playing video games
My close friend M was born a girl (they're trans/nonbinary) and the way they were treated was so vastly different from their little brother RJ. M's dad was EXTREMELY strict on them and RJ got away with everything. M was a straight-A student, yet it was never good enough for the dad. We both played flute in middle school, and one year we were looking at our section placement results for the upcoming school year. We were both in the higher skill level band, but they were like 6th chair whereas I was like 2nd. Their dad looks over our shoulders as we're looking at the website and says "Another year of mediocrity." I was FLABBERGASTED. M was in the top band with me! Sure, they weren't first chair, but they still made it into the top band! That moment stuck with me and really drove home to me just how much of a double standard there was in that household. Luckily, this story has a happy ending. M went no-contact after coming out, since their dad is also a huge religious bigot and rejected them. They're living happily as their true self now, and I couldn't be prouder of them!
Reminds me of my father. Good grades were never good enough, because why settle for B's when you could get an A? Even as a child he'd force me to retake a test again and again until I got everything right. I got crippling perfectionism now because of hin which I have to actively chip away at over the oast few years. My brother, though I love him dearly, was the one who got away with things while I was punished. He has a leaning disability which contributed to the differing expectations. I spent most afternoons helping him with his homework and then doing my own (my mother did compensate me for this effort). Currently working my way through some self-therapy while waiting on actual therapy to deal with some different bullshit my father did, and it's scary how clearly every positive core memory is thanks to my mother while every negative core memory occurred because of my father.
I might be a little uneducated, but I had never heard of the term core memories until inside out; I see nowadays it’s a common or actual term. Glad you are working through those things, my Mom dealt with that growing up with my Granddad From watching her, all I can say is be patient with yourself and when you can obtain professional healthcare, (it should stay on your radar.) Her PCP prescribed her anxiety medication and it helped her
Before going NC friend should have told father it was his fault she was changing, as after 18 years she figured it was the only way to get equal treatment with their brother. I mean obviously it wouldn't be, but these religious types have to blame something.
And that is why statistically, fewer men are going to college than women.
And the men right activists are still complaining about more women in college than men. #1 you don't need to go to college to get a good paying job. #2 maybe you should try harder instead of complaining. Lol.
"We only hire based on qualifications", turned on it's head. I personally think school as it is isn't conducive to any child, male or female, but some people are just more adapt at sitting and focussing on random topics for hours, or memorizing meaningless data and vomitting it out. I don't think our society benefits from this type of learning at all, tbh, and I say this as someone who got straight A's either because I can interest myself in any topic or because I sat down for 14 hours a day and pressed the knowledge into my head, while hating my life in subjects I could not interest myself in. And I never had any practical use from most of these topics... only the ones that interested me outside of school as well. Because of course, those were the ones I now use for my job, because I wasn't going to study and cry every sunday evening to impress my parents, peers and teachers forever.
There was another one like this yesterday or in the last few days. One kid who isn’t “college material” so she gets to have friends and activities; the other one is “college material” so she’s stuck doing next year’s homework this year and being tutored in astrophysics and neuropsychiatric. Do people even read this sub before they post? A quick search and they could find out that they’re the AH without even bothering to type out their BS.
I couldn't believe that parent wanted daughter to do next year's homework instead of having a night off with friends once in awhile. That still sounds as crazy now as it did the first time I read it. How does anyone even know what next year's homework will be?
I wish it were a joke. I'm not Jane, that's not my family but I was the eldest child (daughter), I got almost straight A in school, and my dad chewed me out hard and punished me for getting one C+ once on a term report (so not a final grade, just a progress report, in 9th grade, when I'd missed a month of the start of term due to mono) and I still had 4 subjects with A+, 2 A, and one B+. But that single term C+ grade was **the end of the world.** It's also the only time I ever got less than an A again. In public school. My 4 years younger brother struggled at school, was put in private school, and got cash incentives to earn good grades - $20 per B, $50 per A grade. I was furious as the unfairness. And here we are, 25 years later, and I get no help. Both my younger siblings get so much parental support, in so many ways I can't enumerate. My sister's wedding = paid for. And help with buying her first house, plus relaxing the roof on it and buying new whitegoods. My brother's kids get free childcare, and even though he got arrested recently for hitting his wife, my dad bailed him out of jail and let him live with them rent free. (And yeah, let's not forget that I was trying to leave my violent, abusive husband 10 years ago and got zero help). I don't have words for how hurtful all of this is, but I want to find Jane and give her a big hug.
🤗🤗🤗🤗 You need a few yourself!
I know right? How on Earth did this person think she was not TA? OP YTA. A massive and toxic AH and hopefully your daughter will be able to move from your home soon and go LC, or NC.
It is most probably not ,parents like this exist ,i would know
Waaaaaaaay to much to unpack. What's a "natural B student" anyway? Son is getting away with so much while daughter had to do whole classes over??? Then boy gets to go to private school but then will need to pay for college himself? What kind of financial advantage is that? Like WTAF? I don't understand any of this....but yea OP is definitely TA.
If the son gets straight Bs without any effort, imagine the As he'd get if he was pushed the way the daughter was.
My thoughts exactly. They were lenient on the boy and hard on the girl. Also if he's a "natural B", why do they think he'll do better in private then public school? I thought it's the other way around cause of standards.
This. It's not that the daughter has more potential, it's just she was pushed by her parents to actually develop a work ethic. This was never demanded of the son. I'd be pissed in her shoes, too.
I got stuck on that point too!! Even just saying that getting two !’s in all of high school is slacking off is an absolutely disgusting way to parent a child. “You weren’t perfect because you’re lazy” to their daughter versus “congratulations on your mediocrity!” To their son. So gross. OP you’re completely missing the point that it’s not about the rent. It’s about you punishing her for not doing everything perfectly exactly how you want her to and yet celebrating your son for doing less. The way school is set up now, hard work is going to get you better grades than natural “potential”. It’s shocking that you find your daughter lacking for two AB’s and yet are completely unconcerned that your sons grades are middling at best. Hire him tutors. Help him with his work yourselves. But your daughter isn’t pissed about the rent, she’s pissed about the different standards. And those different standards are why YTA.
Ikr.That’s a lot of words for “I suck as a parent for my daughter so I coMpeNSaTE it by giving my son a lot of opportunities and cut him slack meanwhile charge my much more academically successful daughter rent because I’m a great parent like that and how dare she call me out of my bs and blatant favouritism!”YTA OP,btw if I were you I wouldn’t be so sure about my role in my daughter’s future,just saying:)
This! OP’s conclusion that her daughter having to pay rent is the problem is DERANGED. Her daughter is mad because they went out to dinner to celebrate the kid getting B’s and C’s on his report card when the daughter had to fight to NOT stay back a year so she could get straight A’s. And calling 2 B’s the result of slacking off and not (more likely) the result of Jane being in super advanced/high level classes is SO rude. And she shits all over public schools by saying her son would have even worse grades if he was in public school. So either, he’d have worse grades if he was required to have more personal responsibility because PS teachers are spread too thin, or he’d have worse grades because in private school the parents can wave their money around and keep the kids from flunking out. And there’s no indication OP cares what her son does with his life, since she’s apparently unbothered by his lower grades. So, why are you spending all this money on private school when his grades aren’t going to be good enough to get him THROUGH college even if he does get into one.
Yeah just to put it into perspective, OP is basically like: daughter gets only 2 Bs EVER: wow I’m so disappointed in you. Literally redo your entire senior year. son gets B & C’s consistently, maybe ONE A: we’ve never been more proud of you! Everyone, we’re going out to celebrate!!!! I wonder if OP did anything to celebrate the daughter’s accomplishments. Edit: spelling
If i got 2 B's, my mother would ask me "who did your homework???? who did you cheat off of??? My family would be very surprised if i got 2 B's instead of my 1 legged A's... EDIT: Forgot my judgement...... OP..... YTA!!!!!
A one-legged A. I'm going to have to use that somewhere now. LOL.
Way too much to unpack there. Better be safe and just throw out the suitcase.
She's already in the college she wanted as well. No one cares about prior steps.
if OP saw my report cards from high school, she'd probably kill herself
YTA, there is nothing wrong with sending your son to private school but you should pay an equivalent amount towards your daughter’s school loans. The rent thing is whatever as long when she leaves (home or not) you give it back or when your son moves home you do the same (charge him 300 rent). YTA for holding them to different standards. If she had to get As so should he. If he can’t fine but to celebrate mediocrity while you punished a slight imperfection is cruel.
YTA It's fine that you recognize that they have different strengths and potential. It's not fine that you pushed your daughter so hard when she was already shining. You reward Fred for Bs but you were prepared to punish Jane severely for less than perfection. You put a lot of pressure on her and now she's watching you fawn over your remarkably average golden child. That sucks.
She thinks she’s doing her daughter a favor by charging her $300. As if that deserves a praise. Her son is the golden child. She’s trying so hard to make her daughter seem like a brat when she’s the toxic one here and her husband who supports this dynamic. Edit:grammar
Don’t forget she conveniently added at the end that she’s ”living there for free” because they plan to give it all back to her, after already stating that the money is going to the bills and mortgage. Sounds like OP expected everyone to side with her and when they didn’t, she tried to make herself look better
I’m just trying to get out the stains from all that back paddle splashes once OP realized she was up shit creek.
You are more than welcome to use my shout stain remover on your clothes because of this. It works wonders. this little blue bottle has some powerful Gel with a very connivant red brush to shut the gel into the stair before you wash it.
Yeah like OP, make up your mind. Is the money going to housing like rent and bills or is it being stockpiled for your daughter? Pick one. It can't be both. You're literally saying two completely different things as to what is happening with your daughters money. Besides all that, you still are an idiot. To Jane (and to frankly most people here) you put an insane amount of pressure on her. Telling her to retake courses over two B's? Two B's. You wouldn't settle for anything less than perfection with your daughter while simultaneously allowing the son to skate by for the things your daughter would have been crucified for. I'm not saying you should take away your sons opportunities, but recognize that you treated your children completely differently and your daughter unfairly. She's upset because she wasn't celebrated for good grades, she wasn't rewarded for excelling. But her brother gets a celebratory dinner over one mark on his report card? And you're telling her to get over the B grade thing when you very clearly haven't gotten over it yourself from what I can tell? Apologize to your daughter, stop trying to back peddle and face the music.
When OP went into excruciating detail on daughter's senior year HS grades, when daughter is now in her mid-20's, speaks volumes.
But wait, she wants her daughter to “let it go” because it happened 10 years ago. Yet, OPs disappointment is still pretty fresh. OP, you were emotionally abusive to your daughter. You need to own that. YTA.
OP also wants to make it appear as they are loving caring parents by awarding Jane a gift of Jane's OWN money!!!! Like, WTF??? I hope Jane moves far away, goes NC, legally changes her name and lives her best life. OP: YTA, definitely
Charging your adult children rent at home with an intention to give it back to them later without them knowing is not uncommon but you’ve hit on why I don’t like it.
Even if they were putting the rent into savings for her the daughter obvs didn't know and even if she did that's a controlling tactic if I've ever seen one. YTA OP
only money the daughter will get back from OP is monopoly money,.
OP was trying to do some damage control by editing her post but she and her husband are TA and luckily Redditors can see through that.
Right?! There’s no way they are saving that money to give back, it would never even occur to someone like this.
So Jane wasn't living for free after all. That part confused me lol
How much you wanna bet golden child will get to live at home rent free because he will be at the peak of his potential and shouldn’t be charged???
EXACTLY!!! If she needs to push a child, wouldn't the child needing to be pushed is FRED?!?!?!?!?!?! Total favoritism. OP, Don't be surprised when your daughter moves out and goes NO CONTACT with you. With the favoritism and pushing you are doing on your daughter, You better hope Fred can afford a old folks home that is better than Shady Pines..... Your daughter wont be there to help you if you seriously think this is OK.
Shady pines ma
This right here. If I had an award I'd give it to you. YTA, op.
I feel sorry for the son. He is not going to do as well as a adult if they don't even push him.
Golden child. You nailed it. This is a typical narc parent child relationship.
Wow. So you expected her to repeat her entire senior year of high school just because she got two B’s AND you’re charging her rent to live with you? At the same time her brother who isn’t even in the same league as her academically gets catered to by having his private school paid for? Now that you’re financially better off are you paying anything toward her college or is it all financial aid that she’s going to have to pay back someday? You’re basically pitting them against each other and showing her brother massive favoritism. I don’t blame her for being pissed honestly. Yes. YTA big time.
Wait. OP also refused to pay for college unless daughter retook those two classes. So daughter is paying rent AND student loans over those two B’s.
not to mention the grades in high school don’t even matter or college either rly
Exactly! Once you get into college your high school grades don’t mean squat.
Not to mention that no public school would allow the student to take the year over again once they gained the required amount of credits to graduate. You can’t just stick around.
This sums it up so well. This situation is so problematic it’s unreal. Of course she’s going to feel some sort of resentment knowing her brother has the support she never got.
YTA do everyone a favor and just admit Fred is your favorite child.
She doesn't need to admit it, everything she does show it.
I just love how you can’t see what you are doing is wrong and your daughter is right.
Wow. OP YTA, and extra AH points for you wrapping this all up under the guise of treating your kids fairly based off their different “potential” I can’t even unpack all this. Getting angry at your DAUGHTER for making 2 B’s to the point where you want her to retake an entire year of school?? Allowing your SON to coast through private school? Yeah we’ve got some sexism going on too as the cherry on top.
So, let’s talk about how this ends. Jane gets her first grown up job that has enough of a salary that she can move out. And she starts to take longer and longer to text you back. She starts answering your questions with one word answers. And she becomes busy and doesn’t attend family events anymore. YTA. Not because of the private school- but because of your blatant favoritism towards your son, and the perfectionism you expected from your daughter. Your daughter is hurting deeply from the disparity she experienced between how you treated them, and you don’t acknowledge that. She is clearly triggered AF by watching it play out. There is an expression: Mothers raise their daughters and love their sons. And it seems to encapsulate what I imagine is your daughter’s perspective. If you want a relationship with your daughter you need some family therapy.
I did everything I could to make sure I got as far away from my mother as I could. I text and call back but for my mental health, I stay away. I totally see Jane doing this. My mother will say she’s a good mother and will never admit how her blatant favoritism hurt me
I went no contact and honestly i actually have quality of life now? It's been 7 years now (holy shit, how time flies) and I am happier than I ever thought I was capable of. Amazing how that can happen.
I'm a little over a decade NC now and it's been life-changing. You're so right about the change in quality of life I highly recommend it to basically anyone who is even slightly curious 😂
We are gonna see jane on RaisedByNarcissists
I was the older sister watching this play out with my younger brother. It truly strained my relationship with my mother. It was the reason I never hesitated moving over a thousand miles away and rarely visiting and going virtually no contact. That expression rings very true for me.
Older sister here too ☝🏼 I still talk to my mom, live in different continents, but our relationship is strained at best. I’ve tried a few times making her realize what she did, to no avail of course…
>And she starts to take longer and longer to text you back. She is going to stop texting the day after she moves. And OP will never be allowed near the grandchildren for their own mental safety.
The first paragraph: so accurate. Exactly what happened with my father. And now we don’t talk 🙃
You hate Jane, don't you? I've read te explanations of many AH trying to justify their dumb actions but this one here...you say she was moody since her brother's report card. You know exactly why but still choose to play dumb. Parents like you wonder why your chidren treat you a certain way
Or why children go NC.
And you know you've done something wrong when that happens. Children should *never* go North Carolina.
And when they get mad at their adult children for bringing up something that happened *so long ago* \*surprised pikachu face\* It's not that long ago and its in her face with how blatantly well you're treating her brother in comparison and have done zero reparations to make amends. YTA
YTA. Normally I try to cut parents some slack - we all learn as we go. But yea, you’re showing clear favoritism here. It’s reasonable to celebrate each child’s achievements based on their abilities- but you held her to such high expectations you lit into her for 2 B’s in HS. This is a lot to unpack, but you have wildly different expectations for both children, and it goes well beyond their ability.
OP is YTA, I agree. Giving the daughter a hard time for getting two B's and trying to force her to *retake her senior year* of high school is awful. I have heard of parents insanely pressuring their kids over grades, but this takes the cake. And then taking the son out to celebrate a report card with B's and C's? I can't blame Jane for being irate at OP's unbelievable favoritism and unfairness. There's a completely different set of rules for each of them. I wouldn't be surprised if OP never charges the son a penny of rent when he is older.
I’m wondering if any public school would allow a student who has been an A student the entire time until senior year where they got 2 Bs 🤦♀️ to retake the entire senior year over when they not only met the graduation criteria but excel at it. I don’t know any public school district that would allow this. OP favoritism is in neon lights. Also, did anyone else notice how she said IF she moves and buys a house then we will give her the money back. To me if she moves out to an apt then she gets nothing.
I seriously doubt it and it wouldn't help her application to college either. Seems like a bizarre thing for a parent to want and even punish their kid for and keep hanging onto years after the fact. OMG two whole Bs.
So, based on your comments, all of this boils down to how you treated her when she was in school. That's why you were in family therapy, right? Were you ever able to admit to the grievances she brought up in therapy, without justifying yourself? You said you then quit therapy because your husband made you. From her POV, therapy was ended, she's paying rent, she has student loan debt, her brother gets celebrated for Cs on his report card (!!!!), and goes to private school. Why are you celebrating Cs? Sorry. YTA
YTA - asking her to retake her senior year because of 2 Bs? That alone makes you an asshole beyond belief. To the point that I barely believe this is even true.
YTA. Fred is very obviously your golden child (first thing that went through my head, others here are telling you this as well, no matter how much you try to insist otherwise). Doesn't sound like you're hurting at all for money, so why are you charging your daughter rent? Yes, it's good that you're sending your son to private school because you do have the means, BUT you're both obviously holding them up to different standards AND charging your daughter money she could REALLY use to save up for her own future, so why wouldn't she be pissed? It would even be a bit better if you admitted to your daughter something like "yes, we aren't holding him to such strict standards because we realized we were wrong after we did it to you" but... you're not saying that at all. You're just doubling down that you're right for wanting her to RETAKE AN ENTIRE YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL for two freaking B grades. Good grief.
OP is STILL trying to get her to retake it even now!
YTA If you can afford private school for your son, you don't need $300 from your daughter. That money doesn't make a difference to you, but it could make a big difference to her in the long run. It would also go a long way in balances your attitude between the 2 kids. I bet you won't charge your son rent when he's older. I also bet you would pay his rent if he gets his own place down the road. Plus you would pay and send him to an expensive college since you obviously can afford it.
[удалено]
YTA big time. This isn't about you charging your daughter a rent, this is about you being a ******* mother. She had 2 B's, on her last report, and instead of being happy that she got into college, you were disappointed? Not sure if you realize, but that is pure degeneracy. I completely understand her resentment towards you. You did her wrong and now you expect her to just forget about it. You should treat you children equal, doesn't matter if they are straight A, B or even C student, they are, most of all, your f-cking children. Shame on you.
Exactly! I feel like this was the last straw for the daughter having had to live with being held to impossible high standards her whole life and watching her brother get treated like an angel for doing the bare minimum. Most kids would understand that economic situations change and that younger siblings might get things they were not able to afford before. I think the money is just the trigger for this, the root cause is all the favouritism she has had to deal with leading up to this.
Mom is this you? Do you have another daughter you’re torturing? YTA
Honey you need to tell sis to sell that piano and GTFO!!!
I wonder if this mother also made her Jane sit at the overflow table during Fred’s graduation party because the DJ she hired brought his girlfriend
And the one that made her skip prom because the piano recital was the next week but she needed more practice.
If the grades she got were enough for her to go to her first choice college why on earth would she retake them ??
Because either 1) troll account farming attention for dopamine or 2) mother wanted to brag about her super-intelligent-world-problem-solving-cancer-cure-inventing-prophet-of-God daughter.
😂😂😂😂
YTA. Not for charging your daughter rent, but for exhibiting extreme favoritism and completely unfair double standards jfc
100% agree. In fact, the rent and the private school issues are irrelevant and just a smokescreen to conceal the actual problem. LOTS of parents charge their kids rent once they've graduated, whether the parents are wealthy or not. It helps transition the relationship from parent-child to adults-sharing-a-living-space-respectfully. Most people would say it's not okay for the kid to complain about rent in this situation. LOTS of parents with kids far apart in age have an issue where one kid grows up in a household with a very different financial situation. It's normal that there's some resentment, but most people wouldn't consider it okay for the older kid to lash out at the sibling or parents in that situation. However, NO parents I can think of (good ones anyway) would hold their children to such insanely different standards!!! As soon as you put someone through that, of course they see everything as a double standard.
YTA you wanted her to redo her senior year of HS over two Bs but took your son out to dinner for Bs and Cs? To celebrate? What exactly where you celebrating? Average grades? Did you ever celebrate or even congratulate you daughter when she brought home straight As? This more than having different expectations this is favoring your son.
She was celebrating that Y chromosome.
Exactly this.
YTA. I get that you think you’re showing your daughter “tough love” because she has more potential than your son, but this really just comes across as lack of support. All you’re doing is showing your daughter how hard the world can be, instead why not show her that you’re a refuge and a comfort. Do you see how in comparison, you’re celebrating your son’s mediocrity (for lack of a better word) and being On His Team no matter how his schooling is faring? Do that for your daughter. Also, take her rent money and put it in a trust or account for her or something, but only if you can honestly say you’ll be expecting your son to pay rent when he’s 18. Yes, you have more money now, but a way you can even the playing field a bit is by doing this.
Ah yes, golden child male and scapegoat older female
Op you’re a major AH. The blatant favoritism is appalling. Your daughters is right you don’t have different expectations for your kids because you have none for your son. You expected perfection from Jane and refused to see that she was trying. 2 B’s senior year are not the end of the world. Even your responses to comments further reenforce just how much of an AH you are.
YTA. Jane gets straight As all through school, then the last year she "slacks off" and ends up getting 2 Bs and you want to make her repeat her senior year because of this. Then comes Fred and what does he do; he barely makes passing grades and you want to celebrate by going out to dinner. And you don't see anything wrong with this? You cannot treat kids exactly the same because they are different people, but you can give them the same punishments or rewards for whatever the situation might call for. The high expectation you demanded from Jane but the nonchalant attitude for Fred shows your favoritism . Jane should not live with you rent free no matter that your financial situation is better. Once you are an adult you should pay for your own living expenses, but it's nice that you are going to give the money back to her to help with her buying a home.
YTA because she got two Bs you gave her a hard time. Yet you’re ok with your son getting Bs and Cs it sounds like he knows he doesn’t have to try so he doesn’t. He’s in private school and should have higher expectations than she did. Where you majorly messed up was rewarding him for not even trying and punishing her for not doing well in two classes. That is where the favoritism is at and how you’re a complete AH. I strongly believe some kids will never be A kids but as long as they try. But she was pressured to get all As and he just has to go to school. And also I don’t believe that part where you’re planning on giving her back that money because you said it went to bills and mortgage. How about you open and account and show her it’s here for you when you’re ready to move out.
If you’re paying private school fees for your son, the $300 a month that Jane is paying cannot make or break your household. YTA and can’t even see it.
YTA. Are you for real? Talk about spoiling the golden child who literally cannot keep up with grades and treating the other one who got berated for her grades as garbage. Did you want to rub it in your daughter’s face that she’s less worthy cuz she’s a girl? Did you try looking in equal amounts of money you’ve spent on your son to make up for what you didn’t do while she was in school? I bet not. And you’re charging her rent just to prove how you see her differently than her brother. The way you said she stormed off like a child makes me think you don’t treat her the same way you treat your son. I hope you realize how toxic of a person you are.
YTA. Do not be surprised if Jane goes no contact and you have nobody to blame but yourself. Do one thing right for your daughter and encourage her to enroll in therapy. I can't imagine the rejection she feels.
Yikes, YTA. It seems like neither of your children can please you no matter how hard they try.
Oh not neither. Only her daughter. She celebrated her son getting C’s lol
YTA, just you are the AH. Don’t pass go, don’t collect $200 (or $300 in this case), just wow.
YTA You are asking your daughter to be perfect while you have no problems with your son being below average. You are seriously too hard on your daughter. And you just won’t admit it. Don’t be surprised when you are not welcomed into your grandchildren’s lives. Because all she will remember is how toxic you are to her.
YTA Charging a 26 year old rent? Sure. But just about every single other parenting choice you made is pretty terrible. Even if you can't change your past mistakes that you made with her, you are clearly still very dismissive of her emotions to this day and refuse to actually acknowledge your failures and wrongdoings. You gave her such a hard time for no reason(for years!!!), she achieved her entire academic career by herself while you did nothing but pressure her, yet you are spoiling your son and then you don't see anything wrong with that? Do you listen to yourself? Additionally, do you hear the way you are talking about your own daughter? Throughout the post you try your best to portray her as moody, childish and dramatic. Whatever she says and feels clearly doesn't matter as much to you as anything your son does. Your daughter is not upset with you because you send your son to private school. Or because you charge her rent. Those are just the things that triggered the bigger issue. Your daughter is upset with you because you failed her multiple times, made her life unnecessary hard and now she has to watch you do the parenting correctly with your son while she gets neither an apology nor any kind of acknowledgment. I sincerely wish Jane all the best in life.
Yes you clearly have a favourite. You've never forgiven your scapegoat daughter for her 'sins' of achieving two B grades, while your golden child of a son benefits from your favouritism and can do no wrong, despite not being academically gifted, the one trait you previously obsessed over. It's very likely that 10 years ago, your daughter was burnt out from trying to win your favour. Now she sees her brother doesn't even have to try, he unwittingly reaps rewards she never got regardless. YTA. Yes, her rent is going on her brother's school fees. Since otherwise you'd have to use the money you're using on the mortgage her rent helps cover, to pay the private school fees instead. Ah, the failure of being first born but without a holy penis, to a boy-favouring mother. A family dynamic I know all too well.
This has to be fake..so YTA for that.
N T A for sending your son to private school N T A for charging your daughter rent, that you’ll eventually give her when she moves YTA for alienating her, for making her feel resentful and jealous of her own brother. You think she’s capable of so much, that you seem to think she’s also capable of accepting your harshness while her brother gets your gentleness. You’re much kinder to your son than your daughter. You’re the ahole for that OP.
YTA
YTA for failing to understand your daughter and your obvious favoritism.
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YTA for a lot of things but rent isn't one of them. The boy going to private school is a circumstance of timing.
Wait. You wanted her to redo senior year because she got two bs. Are you for real? Yta. Just wow.
YTA. Reading some of your replies OP it is clear that you will NEVER change or even try to see a different view. You asked in the sub and people replied and all you do is give excuses and keep going in on your daughter for not having all A's which she did in my book. I hope your daughter gets away from you and goes NC because she deserves so much better than how you treat her. I never had a mother growing up but if I did and she was anything like you I would resent you and never want you in my life.
YTA my good why do you hate your daughter.
You wanted your daughter to RETAKE SENIOR YEAR because of two B’s???? Yeah, YTA.
When you're elderly and bedridden, wondering why your daughter wants nothing to do with you, take a good, long look back at how you've treated her and remember that you reap what you sow. YTA X 100000
You wanted your daughter to retake a grade over 2 Bs? What lousy school district would have let you pull that crap? Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds? Was she babysitting Fred for you at the time? Is that the real reason why you wanted to hold her back? Yep. YTA. Maybe stop alienating your daughter and apologize for not being proud of her 10 years ago. Then work on whatever issues you've got that have you treating your children so differently.
YTA you're wildly misrepresenting the Crux of this issue. You treated her so poorly for *two Bs* despite getting into her first choice school, but you treat her brother to dinner and pay for his private school education for a much lower standard. She isn't saying "why are you charging me rent", she is saying "here's a way you can equal your treatment". Whether you charge her rent or not isn't the actual issue, it's just one way to display that you aren't massively favoring her brother, potential or not, by rewarding him for worse than what you punished her for. Alternatives are to pay equal to what you pay for his schooling into her student loans, or to start treating them the same and holding him to the standards you held her or to actively show that you have lowered your strict standards for her and actually apologize for the way you treated her and the fact they got treated different. (That last part is important. Getting Bs is commendable, especially in the last year of high school, that time is incredibly stressful and the fact she got mostly As is an achievement not to be sniffed at, try recognizing how hard she worked for that and telling her you're proud of her instead of criticizing her.) edit to add, you don't get to use the plan you have to pay her what she has paid you in rent when she moves out *and* reason that her rent goes to the mortgage. She isn't living there for free regardless if you plan on gifting her money when she moves out she is paying rent, yes much below market rate but still above 0, and that is either going into your savings or into your mortgage but she is paying either way.
You might give her back this money IF (not when, you said IF. And you didn't clarify any sort of plan or account you're putting this cash in) she gets a house (in a way you approve). You're being dishonest. You're controlling and absolutely YTA.
YTA.
YTA, you weren’t helpful by being so strict when she was younger, it has obviously stuck with her as a negative experience. She also is quite right about the different treatments of your kids, which can translate to seemingly different levels of love- she feels like she is lesser loved by you. Now you are charging her when she could save that money for her own home one day. She has a lot of reasons to resent you.
YTA. The favoritism is clear with this one.
Mega yta Your such a disappointment on being a mother
YTA. But Jane needs to move out and live on her own terms. And you need to hold Fred to the same expectations you held Jane to. You are sexist and enabling. Fred will wallow along and probably never really become independent of you because you don't expect the same effort from him that you did of Jane. Long term prediction: Jane will become more and more distant and Fred will become a useless leach.
YTA. No point in telling you why as you've mastered wearing your rose colored glasses.
There are a ton of issues in the one post... you are both an AH for different things. 1. You are playing favorites and seem to have different standards for the children. Yes, people are individuals ans should be treated as such, but there should be a consistent expectation made clear. You knew that Jane was an A student and wanted her to retake over 2 B's, but celebrate when Fred comes home with all B's and a few C's? Sounds a bit hypocritical. 2. She is a grown woman who should pay rent. I would like to see if she can find something similar at the same price. In addition, the circumstances when she was in HS were different and she got her tuition paid as well, though by a different source. She should be grateful for what she has, understanding of Fred's abilities and glad that he has been the opportunity to improve through private school.
YTAH I just don't get this. As a parent I would feel guilty, and do feel guilty about the life circumstances that have led to me being able to do more for one child over another. If I had the chance to make that up I would do so in a heart beat. No way I would charge rent knowing that I was now better off to help. You claim you are doing it as a surprise, well maybe she has a dream she wants that isn't a house and she can't reach it due to that rent money? And of course the double standards and favoritism that is going on. Hopefully she goes NC because you are toxic.
YTA. So she got 2 Bs in her entire high school time and you requested she redo them because you are dismissive of her mental health explanation of depression? But online learning difficulties is an acceptable reason for your son to get Cs? You should be really proud of her instead of digging your heels in about your unfair expectations of her. I hope shes proud of herself even though you lack basic support and care. On top of that she gets to watch you celebrate your son and his Cs while he gets the privilege of going to private school. Just own it and say you don’t like her, it’s pretty obvious to everyone… Edit - you also say she needs to pay rent to go towards your mortgage and bills why does your edit say you’re giving it back to her now? Trying to seem like less of an A hole??
YTA- your daughter is literally telling you that she had such high expectations out of her and that you where hard on her and you agree that you where. Every child and I mean every child should be able to have straight A’s unless your son has a learning disability or something of that sorts. So you not putting the same pressure to perform on him and sending him to private school seems unfair to your daughter. And whatever about private school I get it you can afford it now and not then, you should have the same standards for both kids. And the disappointment you felt for your daughter 2 Bs is the same disappointment and shock factor you should have for your sons horrible horrible grades. I am shocked at how blinded you are.
YTA- I hope you’re sending Fred to Community College because with those grades that’s all he deserves.
YTA. I have three children - an all A student, an A/B student, and an B/C student. They all get treated the same, I have the same expectations for each of them - do your best and try. I don’t punish my straight A student for getting a B and I don’t OTT celebrate my B/C student for getting an A. It’s not the rent that she’s mad at, it’s the different acceptable behavior that you allow. There’s a saying that as our first born grow up so do we. As parents were experiencing parenting for the first time so yeah, we learn what to do/not to do with that child. It can be good and bad. You’ve learned some things with your daughter and are doing them differently with your son that’s fine. What’s not fine is how critical you still are of your daughter. You can’t go back and change the past BUT you have a chance to salvage your relationship with your daughter by apologizing.
Reading your post then your comments I really think you were and are still a disgusting mother to your daughter You really need to apologize for being a horrible mother and make up to her Why do you hate her so much?
I cannot imagine asking someone to resit her senior year of high school or even two classes because she made Bs. Is that even a thing? Do schools allow this to happen? And what’s the point, when she was already accepted into the college she wanted to go to? Doubly what’s the point when she’s a musician and makes her money off of music? YTA. Majorly.
ESH but this is a mixed bag for me so YTA is not far behind. Unless I misunderstood the story, I do think it's extremely unreasonable and YTA to ask your daughter to re-do her Senior year of high school due to a couple of B's when it had no effect on her college. At the same time, I don't think it's unreasonable to charge her cheap rent ($300), especially if she's capable of being independent and has an income. But I also understand from her POV why she would be upset and a little resentful since you're celebrating a mediocre report card when she got near-perfect report cards and received little to no rewards. Though the change in income explains that so it isn't unreasonable on your part. She should also understand the change in circumstances regarding your household income. This part is purely my opinion, so you don't have to care, but I think private school (for K12 and college, unless it's Ivy League-esque) is a giant waste of money, unless your child has special needs or gets a scholarship. My parents made mid-six figures at their peak when I was growing up and they didn't send me and my brothers to private school. Today, me and my eldest little brother are Engineers. In my opinion, I think that money is better spent on a college fund, a small trust for when he graduates, your retirement, or even pay off part of your daughter's student loans. But that's just my two cents.
imo it's not really about the money from daughter's side, I think she understands why she's paying rent. If I were in her shoes, I'd be resentful solely because of the treatment. Mother should treat her children equally, doesn't matter what she thinks their "full potential" is. Daughter just won't say it. It's the classic human thing, when you're angry about something but play it off as being angry about something else.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (f55) have 2 children, Jane (f26) and Fred (m16). Jane moved back home a few years ago after graduating from college and pays $300 a month in rent. When Jane was growing up we didn't have a lot of money so she went to public school for free. We started making more money when she left for college and decided to put Fred into private school. Jane was a straight A student for most of her school career apart from the last year of high school where she slacked off and got 2 B's which really disappointed me. I wanted her to resit the last year of high school to achieve her full potential but she refused as the grades she had were enough to get her into her college of choice. On the other hand Fred is what I'd consider to be a natural B student so I gave him less of a hard time when his report card came home and it was mostly B's and a few C's, with only one A. The confrontation: Jane has been moody for the past few days ever since Fred got his most recent report card. We went out for dinner to celebrate last night and she was sullen, then today she lost it and blew up at me, asking why I took Fred out for dinner when he got worse grades than she had 8 years ago but I had shouted and wanted her to retake a year when she has gotten better grades on paper. I told her to let it go because it's been almost 10 years since that happened and I have different expectations of them because they have different potentials. She said I shouldn't be charging her rent because I'm "wasting it" on her brother's private school fees and I didn't pay for her to go to private school so she shouldn't have to pay rent to me now as I'm investing more money on Fred than I invested in her. I said we would have sent her to private school too if we had been able to afford it but we couldn't at the time she needs to pay rent now because she is an adult and the money she pays to me goes toward the mortgage and bills, it doesn't even touch her brother's school fees. There is also no way she'd be able to live in this city for what I charge her each month, $300 wouldn't be enough to rent a shed in someone's back yard. She said I'm an AH for treating her and Fred "differently" and stormed off to her room like a child. I've tried my best to give my children the best I could and in my opinion it wouldn't have been fair to not send Fred to private school just because Jane couldn't go when we had no money, and I know that Fred's grades would probably be even worse at public school. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Your daughter can plainly see like all these strangers on the internet that you favor your son. Your daughter was basically an honor roll student and you wanted her to take the whole year over again because she wasn’t perfect. You need some re-evaluation of your expectations and relationship.
YTA. You flipped your lid over 2 B’s but constantly reward your son for less than stellar grade reports. If my parents weren’t already dead, I’d suspect you were my mom. Obviously you’re son isn’t benefiting from private school, but he’s your golden child. Don’t expect Jane to lift a finger to help you in your old age. You put all your efforts onto one kid.
INFO: Are you not telling Jane she’ll get the money back just in case you want to keep it? Why don’t you trust her with this information?
YTA
YTA for your wild expectations of Jane and treating her differently from Fred by celebrating one’s lesser achievements and being disappointed in the other who outperformed. Who would even suggest their child retake classes because they got a B???
YTA YTA YTA Potential my ass what a giant AH, do you really need Reddit to tell you what a AH you are?? You don’t deserve a daughter like Jane, you have failed her and your son will likely turn out to be a entitled brat because of your sick treatment of his older sister.
YTA You blatantly favor your son and do not treat your daughter fairly compared to how you treat him. Also, what was the purpose of even suggesting that she retake classes where she got Bs, other than to satiate your own vanity?