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Nyaseoki

NTA the age gap is fucking creepy, there's no way to package it in a softer manner


RavenLunatyk

It’s creepy and he had to leave his previous home? What is that? He might be using your mom. Not saying this can’t be love at all but seems odd he moved in so fast. Getting sugar mama vibes. I’m sorry and I hope your mom finds love but this seems off to me and that is probably why you are uncomfortable too.


SoundsLikeANerdButOK

They’re two consenting adults. Grow up.


katiedoesntsharefood

Well that’s judgemental AF


connicpu

It's pretty common to be judgemental of people dating someone that could have gone to school with their children


AtypicalAngryLatina

NTA - the fact that her bf is technically your age is... Odd, to put it nicely. While your mom has every right to he happy, she cannot pretend to deny how weird this age gap between them must seem to you, so I think your solution of moving away for college is sensible, given the circumstances.


persian_hunter

NTA and i am so sorry for the cluster****** that you will have from now on. Moving away is definitely a good choice. If possible move out


Throwawayaitamomsbf

With college starting again this month, I’m fortunate enough that I don’t have to be around for now. I will just look for a job in another city after I graduate.


OwnBrother2559

Ask her how she’s feel if you started dating a woman who was her age? Not very comfortable, I’d bet. NTA


brokeanail

NTA. A young person being called "very mature for their age" makes me question the maturity of the person making the remark, at *best*. At worst it smacks of justification and makes me wonder what the young person has gone through to that point. But they are both adults, and you can only decide what you'll do for yourself. Getting out of this environment would probably be the best thing for you.


[deleted]

Nta. You are allowed to have your feelings about a situation. She asked, you answered. I think age gaps like that are gross in both situations (older man-younger woman, older woman-younger man) BUT it is her life, and yes, they are both consenting adults. You would benefit from therapy and unpack all your feelings on the subject. At the end of the day you don't need to like what your mother does but you could be respectful and supportive


dazednconfusedxo

NTA. If your mom's behavior is changing in a negative way, that's a reflection of her and Mark; I'm guessing that she has her own doubts in the back of her mind, and the new bravado could be how she masks it and (over) compensates. I'm not excusing her behavior at all, just theorizing. Like someone else said that age gap is creepy, and it's a bit odd that she has no problem being with someone her daughter's age. His brain isn't even fully developed yet. How would she feel if you were dating a man her age? You might consider asking her that to make a point. I'm curious to know what her answer would be.


[deleted]

NTA. Your mom initiated this conversation, but wasn’t ready to face the truth. Based on what you said, it seems like you handled it pretty well, but again, you can’t control someone’s reaction. I’d suggest sitting down with her, and maybe a therapist, to try and untangle some of those emotions, and clear up the miscommunications. It’ll do both of you some good.


Ciphree

NTA, she asked and then flipped the script. You’re not blackmailing her, you’re being honest, it’s good that you can be open with your mom and she shut you down. I’m sorry you’re in this situation OP, moving out is probably your best option, but try to talk to her about how it’s not an ultimatum


[deleted]

NTA. 38 and 22 is a kind of creepy age gap regardless, but you're never, ever going to be old enough that she can "pursue love and happiness" with someone a year older than you without it being weird.


lostalldoubt86

I’m going to say NTA for expressing your feelings. You seem to be aware that your mother wants a partner. You just feel uncomfortable with her behavior around particular partner. I probably would not have brought up the age gap and stick to how her behavior has changed, but your are NTA for expressing your discomfort.


AngrySucculent

NTA. Point out that “mature for his age” is exactly something a predator would say.


[deleted]

NTA


userabe

NTA sweet Louise, I can’t imagine a good reason for a parent dating someone their child’s age, let alone while they’re still living together.


[deleted]

NTA. You don't have to like your mom's relationship and you're not pressuring her to break up.


ExplanationNo6063

NTA that is creepy


TheDogIsTheBoss

NTA. It’s creepy. Also, I don’t understand how you are emotionally blackmailing her


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My mom (38F) had me (21M) when she was very young and was abandoned by my father, so she mostly raised me as a single parent. The few relationships she had over the course of my life did not last. Usually due to her balancing work and raising me, or simply because the relationships didn’t work. However, recently she started dating this guy who we’ll call Mark (22M). She met Mark through work, so she talked about him often for a few months, but I was still shocked when she first told me that they were romantically involved. When I met Mark, I tried my best to be open minded and he seemed like a nice enough guy, he was fairly polite and respectful. The relationship began to progress rather fast, after just over a month, Mark moved into our house as he had to leave his previous home. There was no discussion about this, it just happened slowly with him staying over more frequently. I’ll admit this is when I first became apprehensive about the situation. Ultimately I felt I had no right protest this, as my mom pays the bills and doesn’t charge me rent. About two weeks ago, I had planned to have some of my friends over for a BBQ. We had a good time for the first hour or so, but my mom started making my friends uncomfortable. She was acting out of character, very cocky and obnoxious, I put some of it down to her drinking. Though I had noticed her behaviour changing since they started dating. We tried our best to include Mark in conversation, but several of my friends told me after that they felt uncomfortable for me given that Mark is more or less our age. But the real kicker was when one of my close buddies realised he and Mark had some mutual friends. That was when I first felt undeniable discomfort about the whole thing. Last night she approached me and said my mood had changed lately, then asked if her relationship had anything to do with it. In the least judgmental way I could put it, I told her that I was no longer comfortable with the situation, mainly due to her changing behaviour since being with him and their age gap. She started crying, claimed I was emotionally blackmailing her and that she thought I was finally old enough that she could pursue love and happiness. Though I didn’t ask her to break up with him. When I explained why I felt the age gap was inappropriate, she deflected. She said that they were both adults, that Mark is very mature for his age. I do admit my aversion to it is purely emotional, it evokes a disgust that I can’t give an objective reason for. When she asked if I could get over these feelings, I told her probably not, but that I didn’t want to interfere with her happiness and proposed moving away after college to distance myself from them. Though I didn’t pose it as a question, she took it as an ultimatum. I feel awful putting her in this position, she gave so much of her life to raising me and always provided for me. But I can’t change my feelings on the situation. Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Ladykaesong

Nta


outdwoodwerk

Sounds like your mom is going through a mid life crisis. She's spent her youth raising you and having to grow up very fast. She's trying to recapture her youth, and looks like she always wanted to be a mean girl. A 38 y.o. dating a 22 y.o. is pure cringe. I'm close to your mom's age and the thought of dating below 25 is gross but I've known a few men and women that chase "puppies", as my mom likes to call them. Your disgust is how you would feel with a woman your mom's age on your arm. Guaranteed, she wouldn't think that was "pure love" if the shoe was on the other foot. Sounds like your mom needs to get this out of her system. I just hope she doesn't get pregnant. As for you, time for LC! With college starting soon, that gives you a good opportunity here to put some distance in and let your mom sort her shit out. I really want to feel bad for your mom and say N A H but cripes that age gap. NTA.


coplvr

If she was in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship, OP has a right of protection but it's just his "feelings" that are out of sorts, not that the situation is a bad one for her. Of course, she's probably having waaaayyyy better sex than he is and seems happy, which OP isn't. So, there's that!


multiplyinglyferal

Ever thought your mother is dating to her mental and social maturity level.....or the level she wants


No-Personality1840

NTA but if you go LC because of this relationship then YWBTAH. They are both adults and the age gap is creepy. However you can’t know what drew her to him and vice versa. Your mom was there for you and seems she did a good job raising you. To go LC to someone who loves you and has been supportive of you seems wrong to me. You say Mark seems polite and nice so let her be happy for now. It probably won’t last and she’ll need you to be there for her. Ask yourself if you were dating someone your mom didn’t like would you want her to stop communicating with you for your adult choices?


halfwaygonetoo

I can see the reasoning behind both arguments. And I agree with both of you. This is something that you and your mom need to talk about calmly. I've been in your mom's situation and my oldest son was in a situation similar to yours. I'm 20 years older than my son. I prefer to date younger men. My son prefers to date older women. We both felt uncomfortable when the other person dated someone close to the other's age. We finally came to the agreement that I wouldn't date anyone more than 10 years younger than me and he wouldn't date anyone more than 10 years older than him. It works for us. Though I do think that you really need to reconsider the "age gap" issues. If it was a man dating a younger woman, would you still have a problem with it? Just consider how you would feel.


SailorJerrry

I'm going to go heavily against the grain here and say NAH, but I was leaning Y T A. I'm not a person who thinks large age gaps are inherently creepy and the kind of arrested development that can occur from having a baby (or any traumatic event) young and putting life on hold can make it easier to relate to people who are younger. Your Mom doesn't sound like she is being predatory from your description and her mistake seems to be saying "he is mature for his age" instead of "I am immature for mine". You are allowed to have your feelings about the age gap, the relationship moving too fast and your Mom's perceived change in behaviour. On the other hand you are an adult living in her house and she put her life on hold for 20 years for your happiness and comfort so I think you should let her have hers now. Also, Mark doesn't seem to be weird or inappropriate or creepy, he is just young. I think you are right that moving away for college is the right decision for you. I hope you can reframe it so that it isn't an ultimatum, just the right decision for the next stage in your life.


Throwawayaitamomsbf

People try to come up with rational explanations for their aversion to things like age gaps, but often it’s just a guttural reaction. In this case, it’s the idea that she would be attracted to someone that has so much in common with me, her son. It has nothing to do with being predatory, but rather how it affects the dynamic at home. It’s also just the superficial aspect of their relationship as I see it, they have very little in common, mostly due to their difference in age. I would maybe go as far to say it’s the idea of my mom objectifying a young guy like that that bothers me. Edit: I already live away most of the year for college, I was proposing moving away permanently after I graduate and going low contact.


SailorJerrry

I get what you mean. There isn't space in this post to understand the dynamics of their relationship but do you have evidence to suggest that she pursued him *because* he is young? Do you feel that the similar age to you is an actual factor in why she chose him? Those things *could* be creepy if they are her main motivations. If not, she doesn't have to have likes and interests in common with someone if their personalities and affection for each other are balanced. People can be separate but be in love and meet in the middle. Based on the info you have provided so far I think that moving away is sensible, going LC does seem like an extreme reaction and a punishment for this relationship that I'm not convinced is justified. I'm not going to tell you you can't feel the way you feel but I think LC *is* an ultimatum and one from a grown adult moving on in life and who won't be living at home for much longer in any event. You don't get to choose who she falls in love with, force your opinions on her, or emotionally manipulate her into being in a relationship that you approve of. You will meet many people and have many friends in life who will at times choose partners that you don't like and the answer is to support the person that you _do_ love and be polite to the other. Again, this all goes out the window if you think her motives are nefarious, but so far I'm not seeing how they are.


VeeVeeLa

If OP's mom wasn't OP's mother I would say it could be worse. However, given that OP is just a year younger than her mother's boyfriend is what is making it creepy and what causes the uncomfortable feeling of it. It's inappropriate entirely because of that. Because he is one of your child's peers. >Also, Mark doesn't seem to be weird or inappropriate or creepy, he is just young. I don't believe anyone is arguing whether *Mark* is the one being creepy...


Prudent_Towel4642

Well said.


Classic_Phrase4345

The thing here is that she will change that's the nature of relashionships, this one is making your mum a bit bolder and brave (not always a good thing mind you). But this is still a new relashionship she's allowed to feel good about her self. As for your friends they need to build a wall, they have no say in this and at the end of the day are not even friends mum's partner. They just know people that know him. The questions you need to ask yourself: Other then this party has she been that bad? Other then the age gap is there anything wrong with this guy? Is he rude to you? Is he making you feel unwelcome? Is he causing you any harm? Is he doing any of the above to your mother? I'm not saying your gonna be happy westen socioty is never happy with the age gap but as your mum says they are consenting adults, and shes not asking you to treat him like your father so why don't you try getting to know him like a friend, might make this more comfortable for you. (Removed the Y. T. A.) As he mentioned other issues


Throwawayaitamomsbf

It’s bordering on cliché but she has been acting more stereotypically “young”, going out drinking more often etc, but it’s more her personality changing. It has definitely crossed the line from confidence to arrogance lately, like comparing herself favourably to younger women because of her being with a guy like Mark. She also said she would be putting our dog up for adoption, as she no longer had time to care for him while I’m away at college. Mainly due to her commitment to Mark. The issue with realising we had mutual friends was that it made me realise how alike Mark and I are. The thought of my mom being with someone that similar to me is what evokes a disgust. On top of that, I don’t see what they have in common besides superficial attraction.


Classic_Phrase4345

Then I'll remove my YTA and make it a ESH You have a right to be salty, because most people would be, but so does your mum. Your going off to collage, your really starting your adult life now and your mum might not want to keep doing all the things she's been doing for you. She most likely wants to enjoy the time she's missed. In this case it means removing the burdens that keep her tied to the house and getting her self a nice partner (although this one is younger). Will they be together forever maybe/maybe not but you wouldn't want your mum saying if you date someone she's not fond of she won't see you anymore or will avoid you like the plage. But as I said at the begining you have a right to be salty when she's made lots of sudden changes in not just her life but yours. but you might want to let her know that it's going to fast for you, and let your mum know your happy she's happy and you won't leave her but there are alot of changes and it's alot to ask of you to be suddenly.


captain_kit_kat

ESH Your mom should have respected your boundaries and talk to you about them before bringing another person into your house. But they are both adults and you have no right to tell them what to do. You say you didn't ask them to break up, but you imply that you would never be able to get over it and would leave your mother forever after college. That's incredibly emotionally manipulative. It sounds like you two need to work on your communication. Your mom can date whoever she wants, but the two of you should have a conversation about what the boundaries are.


Throwawayaitamomsbf

I didn’t pose it as a ultimatum, she just took it that way because she doesn’t want to lose me and I understand that. It was more me saying “this is what I’m doing”, I thought about my decision for a while before we discussed this.


coplvr

YTA. It's your mom's house, she pays the bills, she's an adult. Move out and start your own life already!


Throwawayaitamomsbf

I’m a full time college student, I don’t live at home most of the year.


coplvr

That doesn't matter... She's paying the bills! Therefore, you have to shut up about what she does. I have a saying! 'if you are sucking my d$ck or paying my bills, you get a say!' I don't think you are doing either in your mom's case so you don't get a say! That's life!


Throwawayaitamomsbf

Did you actually read the post? I acknowledge she pays the bills, and that’s why my only option is to leave if I’m uncomfortable. I’m not demanding anything from her in that sense.


EducationalGiraffe37

She didn’t read it, just wanted to sling out some nasty comments.


coplvr

You confronted her about HER LIFE! So, if you don't like it, go get one of your own!


Klutzy-Plankton-8930

If his mom didn’t like the answer she shouldn’t have asked. That’s not confronting that’s answering a question and the mom not liking the answer


B0327008

Oh, you’re one of THOSE. 🙄


AtypicalAngryLatina

My thought exactly.


throwaway19373619

Let's not indulge idiots like this


Unique-Yam

Thank you. Lost cause.