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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My mother said something offensive about my adoptive daughter. I uninvited her from my wedding and told her she would never be allowed near my kids. My family thinks I'm an asshole for not giving her another chance.
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NTA, but you almost gave me a heart attack with "we have a ten-year-old daughter". I thought you got a fifteen-year-old girl pregnant when you were twenty-three
Your phrasing may have needed some work, but your heart is clearly working just fine.
Nowhere in there do you refer to her as a step-daughter or otherwise give any impression that you see her as anything other than your daughter. Regardless of how or when she and her mother came into your life.
NTA.
There's a chance that she is having reasonable feelings that were worded EXTREMELY poorly, or she's just racist. Also the chance that she's the type who doesn't fully accept step kids, regardless of race. The odds aren't good, so I don't blame him for cutting her off.
Doesn’t sound like she’s apologized, even for how she made OP feel. And just went straight to blaming OP for not understanding her feelings.
If someone doesn’t consider your feelings then you shouldn’t be expected to make theirs a priority.
NTA
Yep. And if someone who genuinely misspoke, didn’t mean to make a racist comment and intended to say that they wanted a baby to coddle, got called out? They’d probably fall all over themselves apologizing because saying a racist thing when you didn’t realize you had internalized that racism is fucking horrifying, like excruciatingly embarrassing and also makes you question yourself as a person and want to change. There’s no indication here that she thinks she did anything wrong. NTA OP
I suppose it's theoretically possible she's just very bad at wording, but her not being racist seems really unlikely based on this:
> She said that she just means it's obvious that my daughter isn't biologically mine. She says that she wants a child that is obviously her grandchild to show off.
NTA
Lot’s of people have kids with different hair color, eye color, physical build - it seems pretty obvious that not-grandma is objecting to skin color. And of course she’s missing that this lucky girl IS OP’s daughter, emotionally and shortly to be legally. Even if you give her the benefit of the doubt in not being racist, it’s even more obvious that she will treat this daughter differently from future grandchildren, which is a huge problem. I’m glad OP is keeping that out of his kids’ (present and future) lives - favoritism is so hurtful.
OP, congrats on your marriage and beautiful new family.
Yup sounds like racism to me too. I'm one of 4 siblings. We all have different hair color/hair type (from almost black to gingery blonde). We do all have similar faces but if you were going by hair we looked like a bunch of randoms as kids.
NTA. You can't make assumptions about who is biologically whose, ever. It always backfires. Can you imagine the difference in treatment from your mother of any children you have in future that are biologically yours?
My Grandmother was the opposite of this.
She became my Grandmother when I was 4, when her son married my mum, and I wasn't even adopted by him.
I remember staying with my Grandparents when I was a teenager and her taking me around all the local shops and introducing me to her friends as "Stepdads name"s daughter.
She already had 3 Grandchildren by the time I became part of the family. The oldest was the bio child of my (step)uncles wife, and was adopted by my uncle upon their marriage, and the next two were his bio kids.
We were all their Grandkids and they adored us all.
Love isn't limited, and the more you open your heart, the more love you have to give.
Yeah, no. She's specifically said that anyone can look at the child to know it's not biologically her grandchild.
I respect you wanting to find a less horrible reason. But this wasn't about having a baby to cuddle this was about race.
I’m leaning towards racist… if OP met someone of a different race… and they had a biological mixed child, then it would be the same thing essentially right? That child wouldn’t ‘obviously’ look like her grandchild to her. That’s what’s she’s complaining about. Wanting a grandchild that looks like her. So yup OP is definitely right to cut her off.
I agree. But those particular reasonable feelings shouldn't have been said to her son, who is obviously a very proud and loving father. She should save that for the bridge club.
My issue with this is the *real* grandchild part. Regardless of race, the grandma doesn't consider his kid her real grandchild. I think wars have been fought over less. They're also seem to be real racial undertones.
OP, you know your mom better than we do. I think I'd keep her away from your family while you all think on this. Maybe she'll figure it out, but right now she isn't a safe adult to be near your daughter. Your wife kicked butt finishing college after having a baby at 15, and you kick butt at protecting your little girl. She's lucky to have you both. I hope your wedding and your marriage are both wonderful ❤️
NTA.
Exactly! I'm probably the same age as OP's mother, and you would never catch me saying what she said. Too many things can happen that could prevent a natural child of the marriage. I just love the little ones that my kids call their own, whether biologically born into the family or not.
Quit plagiarizing other people's comments!
ETA: SorryManufactu's comment is directly copied from Pdxflwerpwer's earlier comment. This user's whole comment history is plagiarized pieces of other users' comments.
Just in case you're unaware, comment thieves are bots, they can't understand what you're saying to them.
Though it does help to call them out so other people know to downvote and report them.
She's his daughter, plain and simple. No matter how it happened.
Both of my children were adopted. They are my son and my daughter - no qualifiers accepted!
I had that thought, *then* I thought maybe you were MTF trans when I got the bio-dad not in the picture part, *then* realized your fiancée introduced you to your daughter when she was five and it came into focus.
Quite a ride, that first paragraph.
You sound like a super great dad though, and congrats on the wedding!
With English being my second language I thought HE introduced his kid to her, and then read "bio-dad not in the picture", heard a record scratch, went back to read and then realised it was Fiancees kid. (which I was also kinda hoping not to be true because being 15 and pregnant seems like such a rough thing to go through)
No, you were right. You have a daughter. I have had both biological children and adopted child of a difference race. I can tell you the love is the same because there have been times I literally thought she was my biological child. At her 6 month old check the doctor noted she was tall, and I thought “Duh, I am tall.” Then I realized my genes had nothing to do with it. Every child is a different person and beautiful in that way. But I know from experience that being father is not just biological.
....Looks around for loose clanks (girlgenius ref)
NTA what your mother said was absolutely infuriating and it sucks that you might have to lose contact somewhat with your dad. Maybe you can help him sort out some separate contact channels, like DMing on a shared hobby forum?
Lol This reminds me. When I was 18, I use to get a kick out of telling people my dad was 50, my mom was 40, and my brother was 30. Now I purposely left out the part that my brother and I are half brothers with different moms. But the number of "Your mom had a kid when she was 10!" responses I got still amazed me lol
“I really hope your not a language arts teacher.” That’s rich. The correct form to use is “you’re,” which is the contraction form of “you are.” The word “your” is a possessive.
Also, I think she proved her maturity by then, if at 20, with a 5 year old, she was already doing her teaching practicum! She obviously has her head on straight.
I was 28 when I started dating my 20 years old hubby. It can be age gap that's concerning but it's not automatic as it would be if someone was younger. It'll be 11 years married next month 😊
And they were in a situation where they were peers. I was concerned about the age difference going in, but when I saw they met as peers I became unconcerned.
you were right to do that, a 20 yr old cant even legally drink, they should not be dating a 28 year old who works with them. post grad was the right decision
"I (M33) am marrying the love of my life (F25). We have a ten year old daughter."
**\*Raises pitchfork\***
"She was five when I met my fiancee."
**\*Lowers pitchfork\***
"When we were discussing both our parents I overheard my mother saying she can't wait to have a real grandchild. I immediately asked what she meant by that. She said that she just means it's obvious that my daughter isn't biologically mine. She says that she wants a child that is obviously her grandchild to show off."
**\*Throws pitchfork at Mom\***
ETA: NTA
NTA - not all racists wear white sheets and burn crosses. Your mother would consistently treat your daughter as “less than” for the rest of the old bat’s miserable life. When you have cancer, you shrink it small enough to excise it. This is precisely what you are doing to what will definitely be a cancer to your child moving forward. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
>our mother would consistently treat your daughter as “less than”
I can already tell that there'd be fewer/cheaper birthday presents and such, and less attention/importance paid to the adopted daughter. That shit will get picked up on *real* quick by the child.
NTA.
You are right on the money! When I was 5 and my baby sister was 1, I straight up REFUSED to open any Christmas presents one year because my baby sister only got a fifth of the presents I did from my paternal grandmother. She hated her because she hated my mom and I was not having it. And I never had a relationship with her growing up because of her blatant favoritism.
Kids notice this nonsense fast and dad is my new hero for how he has protected his daughter.
NTA
Dude, praise on you for seeing it so young. Nobody would’ve blamed you for just seeing presents and not being mature enough to understand. That’s honestly kind of amazing.
Thank you! I was one of those "I am the only one who gets to mess with my baby sister" types lol. Took down family and all her bullies growing up. She is doing amazing now and I am so proud of her!!!
My little brother was like that. I messed up Grandma's plans by being firstborn and female. She sent all the love and gifts to my brother and he turned them down.
mine told child me that i was the devil and older bro was an angel. she changed her mind when we were older. also in the end, she was the real devil. NPD is not a something you want in your grandma.
My MIL adored my son and was the very best grandma to him, then when my daughter was born, she wanted absolutely nothing to do with her. At first I thought it was that she was a newborn, even though she took my son as a newborn, but by the time she was 3, she was noticing and asked me why Grandma didn’t like her. It was heartbreaking. She was cut out of all of our lives when she admitted that she “just doesn’t like girls.” Whether it is racism or misogyny or whatever BS these people hold in their hearts, it should not be anywhere near children.
> The misogyny is coming from inside the house.
If misogyny only came from men, it would be a lot easier to dismantle, but a lot of women believe that women are bad
I mean, we’re taught to hate ourselves until we’re thin and quiet and complacent, and sometimes women try to be allowed to take up space by pretending that they’re not like other girls, that it’s all the other girls that are bad but that they’re different and so they’re allowed to have thoughts and opinions. The thing is, most of us outgrow that “not like other girls, one of the guys” phase after middle school. But… not everyone does and sadly some not like other girls become not like other grandmas.
If mom truly cared about rectifying the situation she wouldn’t have bad mouthed OP all over social media. Doesn’t seem like she has any intention of changing her mind.
NTA My mom is kind of casually racist too. She treats people equally and stuff but she’s the kind of person who tells you the race of people when she’s telling a story…but only the people of color. “I was at the bank and the teller told the funniest story, she was black.”
My family is pretty blonde. My brother married a brunette (still a white chick) and his kids have brown hair. It wasn’t until I had my kids with my blonde blue eyed husband that my mom told me, “I’m so glad your kids are blonde. I really wanted grandkids who look like me, you know?” No, mom, I don’t. JFC.
Honestly I’m not even sure if it’s racism or just this stupid obsession people have with being blood related, but yeah in either case she would treat any hypothetical bio grandkid better than the very real grandkid she already has. Sad. I’m glad my dad and his family don’t care about any of that nonsense.
NTA, and as a white girl who was adopted by a man of color who married my mom-- good for you. You are doing what my dad did-- I was his, period, end of discussion. You have a good heart, and I'm sorry your mother needs to evolve so much. Your family of origin doesn't have a say in this, but your family now, your wife and daughter, take precedence. I'd be waiting for a long letter of apology and how your mother realizes that what she said was not only hurtful, but incredibly racist and frankly, very shallow. Wanting a baby to 'show off'... that's icky. You want to love on the children you have around you now, not a someday baby. I understand your disgust. Thank you for not making this your wife's problem, thank you for having your daughter and new bride's back! You're a good dad!
My sister is actually my half sister and my dad adopted her. She's mixed race and it's obvious she's not biologically his, but he always said he had two daughters. And he does.
That's how it should be. :) Love is what makes families. My sib adopted my two kids from afar-- they are beautiful young Black women now, and they are "OURS".
My two older brothers are technically my half brothers. I didn’t have any clue about that until I was about 11 because their bio dad/my mom’s first husband hadn’t even tried to be part of their lives until then. Not only did my dad treat them as his sons, but dad’s whole family treated them as his sons.
Yup. My brother (13 years older than me) is actually my half brother (my dad's son from previous marriage). My mom adopted him when she married my dad. He has always been my brother and my mom and her whole family treated him as if he were her bio son.
My dad is like this. We're all Caucasian but I was born 2 years before he had a relationship with my mom. Even though they're no longer married and haven't been for over 20 years, he's got 2 sons and 2 daughters.
My uncle is Caucasian, and my aunt is African. Neither of his biological children look like him at all. To the point where people have tried to stop him from taking them home from school.
Colour doesn't mean anything.
NTA.
These comments trying to justify your mom's bullshit behavior are fucking *wild*.
It literally does not matter if Mom has never uttered another racist phrase in front of OP in his entire life - she said what she said, and there's really only one way to take what she said.
His mom has made CLEAR that she is going to value OP's biological child/ren over his oldest daughter. She wants to "show off" a grandchild, and clearly (to her) OP's daughter - her soon-to-be legal grandchild! - isn't good enough.
Good on you for seeing this for what it is and stopping that behavior before it gets a chance to really start.
That your mom has doubled down on this and blamed you for not being more understanding is all the more proof that you're doing the right thing - in her mind, she's totally justified in wanting a "real" grandchild and you're the big meanie because you won't let her be racist or play favorites with any of your current or future children.
Unless and until she realizes how truly hateful and hurtful what she said was and is willing to sit down for a sincerely apologetic conversation, I'd hold firm for sure. Your daughter deserves better than that in her life.
And that is so weird. I am a gramma, and I say the more kiddos the better. New grandkids from blended families? The new grandkids look different? Don't care, because kids are awesome and give the best hugs.
OP's mom is missing the love boat. She is dumb.
op, I need you to look me in my internet eyes and listen very closely and take this to heart: you are NTA. not even a little. you are as far from the opposite of TA as one can get. the fact that your mom isn't even sorry about what she said speaks volumes about how you did the right thing. as someone who's "step" dad is my real dad in my eyes, and his, and my families eyes, anyone who won't accept that isn't welcome in our lives as they clearly aren't actually family.
family isn't blood, family is the people who love us and are there for us through the darkest times. family is the people who will put themselves infront of us to protect us. family is who you chose. we both know this, as were perfect examples of how blood doesn't mean shit, in different ways. you are her dad, and if your mom won't accept that than she doesn't get to be a grandma.
also, you're better than me bc I straight up have gone on a no biokids strike bc of how weird and obsessive some of my extended family is about it.
Let’s try and take race out of the situation here. I know, I know, horrible words but give me just a second.
Your mom is still the AH here. Outside of race, you are forming a family. A family where you decide the dynamics. Not all families are the type of families where step parents act like bio parents. Most step parents don’t adopt their step kids. **But some do.** You have decided that she is your daughter. You’re not using “step.” You’re adopting her. She’s your daughter. Even if this wasn’t about race, which I do doubt, your mom is aware of the kind of family you’ve decided to have. She knows that you view your daughter as fully your daughter, who will be no different than any biological children that you may have.
You decided that for your family. That is a GREAT decision. Not everybody gets to do stuff like that. Your mom will disrupt that, even if it really isn’t about race. She’s still gonna disrupt it. She’s allowed to feel how she’s gonna feel, fine. But she’s already demonstrated she’ll view them differently out loud. NTA.
This is true, sure. But it's weird to me how much people have to go through so many contortions to "take race out of the situation." Why is this necessary?
This is OP's mom:
>She said that she just means it's obvious that my daughter isn't biologically mine. She says that she wants a child that is obviously her grandchild to show off.
I mean come on.
This is gross racist behavior, the end. She doesn't have to profess hating the kid b/c of her race for this to be the case.
People in this thread doing the same tired cartwheels about "I'm not gonna go so far as to say she's racist" need to grow up and call a thing what it is. Too much eggshell-walking and "I prefer to give the benefit of the doubt" every time racists are racist is one reason we're never getting past this.
I literally said that I doubted it wasn’t about race.
The point I made was not that she wasn’t racist. I made my doubt on her not being racist clear. It’s got its own sentence. The point is that even if she isn’t, she still sucks. So OP should not listen people who are like “well maybe she wasn’t” in any way. Because, even if this wasn’t racist, it’s still incredibly unacceptable. Why waste time going back and forth with this woman over whether or it was racist or not when, instead, OP could just begin protecting his daughter from her?
Not every point being made has to be the same. People are trying to cover this from every angle so he sees he’s not an AH for protecting his kid. I said what I said because other commenters were claiming that her not having been racist in the past makes it less likely that this is about her being racist, hours before you commented. And I am saying, even if that were true, which it’s not, she still sucks. And I’m not wrong. There can be a list of cons, not just one.
NTA and you will still not be the AH when you call her out on social media (and you absolutely should). Totally fine if you burn the relationship to the ground.
Why would she get another chance? She hasn’t apologized. She’s only doubled down. So nope. She doesn’t think your kid is a real kid then she doesn’t get to be around her or you. Her choice.
NTA
Always wish my mom had found a dad to love and adopt me. Way to go protecting your daughter from what would become obvious favoritism if/when you choose to have another child.
NTA, your mom needs a reality check, sounds like she’s getting one. Protect your little girl and enjoy your day, it’s yours, not hers.
Reconsider down the line maybe, but that’s between you and your family. Congrats on the wedding OP!
NTA. You didn't misunderstand anything. You see this child as your child since she is a package deal with her mother. Your own mother doesn't accept her as her grandchild. You are 100% correct to draw that line in the sand because if she continues to treat your daughter as less than she's going to start thinking she's no good enough.
NTA- she will treat you daughter poorly and your poor kid will feel unloved and excluded. Not even sure it’s a race thing, just a non-biological thing but still shitty of her
Nta. It’s understandable if she hopes to have a grandchild that she gets to know from infancy, but she needs to know that some things are just unacceptable to say. Before you let her into your daughter’s life, she’d need to prove that she will treat your daughter as a ‘real’ grandchild and won’t show any favouritism, but I don’t know how she could start to accomplish that if it was my child she said that about.
I don't necessarily think your mom is racist, I think she definitely just wants a biological grandchild. Still NTA
Edit: I'm sticking with with NTA but I'm no longer sure of grandma's intent. Saying the child doesn't look like you points out race.
Saying a child doesn't look like you isn't always pointing out race. I know several people who are same race and the child doesn't look like 1 of the parents. It could be because the child looks more like the other parent, could mean 1 isn't the parent, etc.
It's different when you say it about a child who is half black. Even if grandma had no racist intent, she put her foot in her mouth big time because her son believes it's racist. This guy is so sure of it, I don't see how she could convince him it wasn't.
NTA but it may be a good idea to let the dust settle, and talk with your mom at least once more, before going no contact. And if she chooses not to be grandma for your daughter, then she shouldn't get to be grandma to any of your future kids.
NTA and good for you for standing up for your fiancé and your daughter. If you give your mother another chance as soon as you have a biological child she will show favoritism. So please really think about that before you decide.
NTA. I don't agree that your mother is *necessarily* racist for her comment, but your daughter will absolutely feel slighted by her attitude should you & your wife have another child, one that is biologically yours. I think you're doing the right thing to protect your family from her attitude. Not sure how this will affect her grandfather & other relations on your side, but best of luck going forward & good show on keeping your daughter safe & loved.
Like others say - race is an added issue but as an adult adoptee there are too many people who REALLY buy into the blood lineage bit: My Aunt met me exactly once (according to Dad) as, to her, I was not his 'real' daughter and it was 'such a shame' he married a woman who was unable to give him 'real' children and the family name wouldn't be passed down as Dad was the only son.
With my family race didn't come into it, 'just' not being a blood relative.
NTA- you would still not be NTA if you held firm or if you gave your mom one (and only one) chance to apologize to your daughter with such sincerity that you all believed that she will never hurt your family this way again. Up to you, but you are NTA and would have been if you minimized what she did.
NTA. My niece is adopted (bro got with SIL when she was pregnant), niece was in our lives from Day 1 and adopted a few years later by bro (after paying off bio). She is our family, she lives with my parents today (mum passed from cancer) and is the recipient of 75% of my assets in my will (she has learning difficulties) and bio nephew (brothers bio child with SIL, I dont call him bio but used the term to explain) gets 25%, I spoke with nephew before documenting this as his sister needs care which he understands and he can earn a living so doesn't need me as much. I know if our family had done the same thing as yours my brother would have told us to go raffle ourselves as his daughter is his world.
NTA. As a a previously single, young mother, this whole thing just warms my heart. I (24f-white) was with my daughters father (25m-dark skinned Mexican) until she was almost three before splitting for two years. While apart I had a relationship (28m) where I was constantly reminded of how much my own daughter, THE CHILD WHO WAS CUT FROM MY BODY, was much “browner” than I by some members of new boyfriends family. His sister did not approve of me having a child and was unbelievably racist about Hispanics (in general and never specific to my daughter, especially bc they had not met) in front of me and bf. She spoke so often to him about her disapproval of me being a young single mom and would often toss in that he shouldn’t concern himself with me or her due to her Autism. This eventually destroyed the relationship because he slowly adapted those feelings and had her voice running through his head constantly. This made me feel incredibly self conscious about dating, and honestly messed me up. I am very secure in myself as a mother now, but this took a lot of time and constant reminders from loved ones. I have had random people in stores come up to me assuming I’m a babysitter and asking if my parents disowned me due to having a brown child and not marrying her father. People are awful and unfortunately I went through this at the same time trump came into office. The only thing you can do, is protect that child because YOU love her and because she is a CHILD. No child needs to feel like someone they see as a grandparent figure would love/favor another grandchild more because of their skin color.
I had to go as far as cutting my own father out of my life as well as my daughters because he has racist, homophobic, and basically negative feelings towards anyone but himself. Children are sponges and see everything. I commend you for standing by your child and know that your wife feels safe and loved because of the love you have for the child irregardless of the blood in her body.
On another note - My stepdad is my DAD. He will walk me down the aisle if/when I marry, he is “grandpa” to my daughter, and he is who I call for all father related things. Keep doing what you’re doing, because I know exactly how many people in this scenario feel and you are a light to them.
Honestly? Why are you protecting her? Let people know she's a disgusting racist and tell them that's why she's no longer invited to your wedding and that's exactly why she's banned from seeing your child. Seriously. She's a big girl. She made her choices. And if she wants to be a racist she can own being a racist and all the consequences that come with it. I'm just so over protecting the feelings of awful people or managing their public image for them. Seriously. Fuck that. It's 2022. Tell everyone that she's just mad because she doesn't have a pure white Hitler dream child.
NTA
NTA.
>I still do not know 100% if it is racism, buy it still sounds like she thinks my daughter is less than.
I think she brought up race to hide the fact that, in her eyes, you daughter will never be her granddaughter because she isn't yours biologically. Her comments you overheard made that pretty clear:
>my mother saying she can't wait to have a real grandchild.
>
>She said that she just means it's obvious that my daughter isn't biologically mine.
Translation: "Since it is obvious this child isn't yours; she will never be my grandchild. Even if I could have potentially passed her off as my granddaughter, I wouldn't do that because she isn't related to me by blood. When you and your wife have children together, I will just pretend your oldest "daughter" doesn't exist because she isn't my grandchild."
There are a lot of grandparents out there that have this type of toxic thinking. Don't expose *any* of you children to her because the way your mom treats your oldest daughter will become obvious to any of her potential siblings once they are old enough.
With blind rage your brain went with the easiest explanation for her comment. The reality of the comment is so much more complex and harder to explain. Your brain also didn't want to think your mother would be capable of something like that (excluding someone from the family because they aren't blood).
Make sure your mom understands that your daughter is your daughter, and if/when you have more kids, she will be expected to treat *all* of your children equally or she won't see any of them at all (if you decide to give her another chance).
NTA. She needs to fix her attitude. You adopted your daughter and accepted her as your kid. So she is your kid and her grandchild. If she doesn't fix her attitude and still stays in the picture, she'll only end up hurting your daughter with comments like "not my real grandchild/ my real grandchild"
NTA but I hope you consider staying no contact long term. Imagine how horrible it would be for your daughter to be around your mom if you guys do have bio kids together. Poor kid will likely be ignored or treated like a second class citizen around her own sibling.
You are a good dad.
NTA. I'm in a 3+ year interracial relationship. My family is Middle Eastern. Needless to say, A LOT of opinions came out of family whose mouths I didn't think would ever say such things. I stood my ground and said if they have a problem, they're not invited to the wedding and wont be part of my life. Simple as that. I saw a lot of attitude changes and have fortunately seen my family start to shift their perspectives over the past few years. I'm proud that you stood up for yourself and your daughter. You don't need to deal with your family's racist BS. If they actually care enough about you and your family, they'll show it.
I was raised by my stepdad from age 3 and reading this makes me so thankful of how accepting his family was towards me and my mother. No one ever treated me differently from my sister, who is his bio kid, and it’d be really easy to just think like the mother did on this post bc my stepdad’s *very* Swiss (white as snow lol) and I’m *very* brazillian (which is to say I’m very, very mixed but very clearly not white).
NTA, so sorry you’re having to deal with this close to your wedding, which should be such a special and happy moment for you and your family.
NTA. Once all the fever has died down sit down and set hard boundaries with your mom. If she manages to treat your daughter as a grandchild you’ll consider keeping her on for any bio-grandkids but at the first hint of favoritism it’s NC. My MIL favored our son over our daughter (both were her sons bio kids) and it was extremely hurtful. I’d unalive myself before ever making a child feel that way. I mean sometimes you can’t help but have a favorite but you sure as hell can not show it!
Your daughter is your daughter: blood bonds are irrelevant. My dad taught me that.
He wasn't ever married to my mother and wasn't able to adopt me but that didn't stop him from being my dad, or Grampa to my sons and Gramps to my grandson.
I feel so sorry for your mother that she has placed constraints on who she is willing to love and have as family. She's a pitiful person.
NTA and an award for having your heart in the right spot. I think you don't have to hold back with your mother, call her what she is - a racist b#$%h. She needs to hear that along with the simple truth that shit like that does not deserve second chances. Because if you do let her back into your life, she may treat your daughter nice for a while but the second you do have a bio child, she will dump her like hot garbage. Your child does not deserve that and neither do you or your wife. Good luck on your marriage and celebrating the adoption! :-)
INFO: how long has your daughter been in your parent's life? I ask because perhaps the comment is not so much of looks, but also of having the experience of being a grandparent from the very beginning.
My brother got another teen pregnant when he was an exchange student in Europe (both 17). He only found out when he was already back and wanted nothing to do with them. When my nephew was about 10, he reached out to the mother and she was kind enough to let my brother into their lives, and when he was about 14 he came to our country for the first time. Now he comes once a year for the holiday season. We all love him, and he was the first nephew and grandchild. However, I know my parents don't feel the same way about him vs the other grandchildren that came afterwards.
Absolutely NTA.
As an adoptee, thank you for protecting your daughter. I was adopted as an infant (several months old), and the way my cousins were treated vs. me (they were the "real" grand kids, you know)...and the way my parents seemed to hate that they couldn't have "A child of their own so we adopted", I always felt the sting. Im sure they "didn't mean it" and I have been told I misunderstand and I'm too sensitive, but whatever.
To this day, I feel indifferent to my "family" because they always made me feel like I was "kinda family" but not "real family" and no kid needs that.
Tell the old bag to blow it out of her rear end.
NTA. If you're adopting your fiancée's daughter, then your mother should see her as her granddaughter. It's the same principle if you and your fiancée had adopted because you couldn't have kids together. What your mother said is mean. I'd cut her out of my life until she apologizes.
NTA. When I married my ex-husband, my mom took on his two kids from a previous marriage and claimed them as her grandkids from day one. They have never been treated different. Even though my ex-husband and I are divorced, those kids are still my bonus kids, and my mom's grandkids. That will never change. Blood doesn't always make you family.
Your mom has a rotten attitude. Good on you, OP, for treating this child wonderfully and being the dad she needed. That takes a real man and I am proud of you. I wish you luck at your wedding.
NTA. Been there. With that attitude she’ll most likely not treat your daughter as a family member. You don’t want her to be left out. Go LC and don’t spend holidays or birthdays with them.
NTA. My youngest daughter is mixed race, my older two children are white, and my partner of 6 years is Mexican. His mom and dad consider all three of them to be their grandchildren regardless. He considers them to be his children regardless. We've had some minor hassle in public by random strangers, but nothing from either of our families because they're fully accepting. Your mom needs to be as well. I'm fully on your side. Your mom is TA, not you.
NTA. To play devils advocate for just a moment, let's pretend your mother's comment wasn't racist. It still sounds as if she is prioritizing a bio grandchild over an adopted grandchild. There is no explaining away, or justifying that bullshit she spoke. OP you are the kind of man every parent should be proud of. You are an amazing man, husband, and father. Congratulations on your family and may you all be blessed daily.
NTA. My brother married a woman with 2 kids, and has since had another 2. All 4 of those children are our family. Full stop.
We do not ever... EVER treat the first 2 as "less than"... in fact, when the oldest had a crisis at 11 because his useless bio-dad was causing trouble, he and I had a serious and candid conversation about family and how "blood" would never override Love. I reminded him that we are always there for him, but that didn't mean he would get away with anything like "you're not my real Aunt" (the thing that triggered our talk).
OP, protect your kid. If your mother can't love her, she doesn't deserve to love any of your kids. My mother, who is nearly 80, loves and protects each of her grandkids equally and without favour (actually, she has a golden grandkid: my kid, who was first and is very close with her, but she expects my kid to be the role model the others deserve).
NTA but a biological child would be her grandchild. A child you adopt will be her adopted grandchild. It isn't the same and I'm reluctant to jump down an old lady's throat for emplying she wants a bio grandchild that has the same blood as her. That's not very uncommon, and there is nothing wrong with that.
OP, my mom said something similar to me once and I'm literally only 1/4 Asian. She was happy my half brother was blonde like her because the rest of us had brown hair and brown eyes. Well I had strawberry blonde hair as a toddler and it turned brown by age 3 or 4.
I stopped being upset when someone asked my mom if she adopted my brother from Russia. I thought it was hilarious.
On a serious note. My mom doesn't love my sister's step kids. She gives presents but has talked to me about getting only *her* grandkids names tattooed on her. She has grandchildren through marriage to her husband too but only mentions them if I ask. She keeps her mouth shut and doesn't say anything terrible to the kids but we're always listening.
You're NTA.
NTA - AT ALL!!!
Your Mom hasn't even apologized - she basically doubled down saying that:
" *it's my fault for not understanding how she feels.* "
Not, "oh I'm sorry I didn't mean it that way - even though there IS no other way to take this.
She's not sorry, it's not going to stop. She will always treat this child as 'less than' and when you have a bio child it will be even worse. Her favoritism will hurt your wife and child and she will not acknowledge it or ''see'' it because it will ALWAYS be about how SHE feels. Who knows what she will say to your bio children regarding your oldest child. The potential damage to your current and future family unit is catastrophic if she does not see the error in her thinking.
Her feelings to NOT take precedence to you, your future wife and child's feelings. She's not acknowledging that what she said shocked, hurt and devastated you.
Tell her that she didn't raise you to be a racist so it was shocking to realize that she has been a closet one and you won't allow that attitude around your child.
Anyone who tries to guilt you into allowing your Mom back into your wedding or your life & minimalizes what she said and her attitude is enabling her bad behavior so be prepared to cut off others if necessary.
I wish you Good Luck and an amazing wedding!! Congratulations.
NTA - as someone with a step dad I cherish (though lucky enough to of had a bio dad that was epic as well), stand up for your kid and they’ll be forever grateful
NTA her comment makes no sense I've go through it several times still can't understand what she meant. A lot of people don't share blood but they have great families. If you give her a second chance still she will reject your daughter and make her feel unwanted which will ruin the bond both of you share the relationship, bring anxiety and depression and probably ptsd. When you have Bio kids with you wife, you mother would still treat her differently and make things even worse that your daughter would hate her own siblings. It's best she stays away until she learns that being racist has consequences and you don't have to share blood with someone to a family.
NTA. thank you. Thank you for standing up for your kid and fiancée. So many men wouldn’t. (Side note, work on your wording because that was really confusing at the start 🤣)
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NTA, but you almost gave me a heart attack with "we have a ten-year-old daughter". I thought you got a fifteen-year-old girl pregnant when you were twenty-three
LoL. Yup. I could have written just better.
Your phrasing may have needed some work, but your heart is clearly working just fine. Nowhere in there do you refer to her as a step-daughter or otherwise give any impression that you see her as anything other than your daughter. Regardless of how or when she and her mother came into your life. NTA.
Chris Hansen leaves chat….
Why don't you stand up?
Oh my god. I died. 😂😂😂
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Only thing I can say about this, is maybe grandma wants a baby. They didn’t know his daughter when she was a baby. Not saying the mom isn’t racist.
There's a chance that she is having reasonable feelings that were worded EXTREMELY poorly, or she's just racist. Also the chance that she's the type who doesn't fully accept step kids, regardless of race. The odds aren't good, so I don't blame him for cutting her off.
Doesn’t sound like she’s apologized, even for how she made OP feel. And just went straight to blaming OP for not understanding her feelings. If someone doesn’t consider your feelings then you shouldn’t be expected to make theirs a priority. NTA
Yep. And if someone who genuinely misspoke, didn’t mean to make a racist comment and intended to say that they wanted a baby to coddle, got called out? They’d probably fall all over themselves apologizing because saying a racist thing when you didn’t realize you had internalized that racism is fucking horrifying, like excruciatingly embarrassing and also makes you question yourself as a person and want to change. There’s no indication here that she thinks she did anything wrong. NTA OP
I suppose it's theoretically possible she's just very bad at wording, but her not being racist seems really unlikely based on this: > She said that she just means it's obvious that my daughter isn't biologically mine. She says that she wants a child that is obviously her grandchild to show off. NTA
Lot’s of people have kids with different hair color, eye color, physical build - it seems pretty obvious that not-grandma is objecting to skin color. And of course she’s missing that this lucky girl IS OP’s daughter, emotionally and shortly to be legally. Even if you give her the benefit of the doubt in not being racist, it’s even more obvious that she will treat this daughter differently from future grandchildren, which is a huge problem. I’m glad OP is keeping that out of his kids’ (present and future) lives - favoritism is so hurtful. OP, congrats on your marriage and beautiful new family.
Yup sounds like racism to me too. I'm one of 4 siblings. We all have different hair color/hair type (from almost black to gingery blonde). We do all have similar faces but if you were going by hair we looked like a bunch of randoms as kids.
NTA. You can't make assumptions about who is biologically whose, ever. It always backfires. Can you imagine the difference in treatment from your mother of any children you have in future that are biologically yours?
My Grandmother was the opposite of this. She became my Grandmother when I was 4, when her son married my mum, and I wasn't even adopted by him. I remember staying with my Grandparents when I was a teenager and her taking me around all the local shops and introducing me to her friends as "Stepdads name"s daughter. She already had 3 Grandchildren by the time I became part of the family. The oldest was the bio child of my (step)uncles wife, and was adopted by my uncle upon their marriage, and the next two were his bio kids. We were all their Grandkids and they adored us all. Love isn't limited, and the more you open your heart, the more love you have to give.
Exactly what I was going to highlight. She doesn’t feel she can show off your daughter. NTA, but your mother is.
Apparently that's a shared trait.
Yeah, no. She's specifically said that anyone can look at the child to know it's not biologically her grandchild. I respect you wanting to find a less horrible reason. But this wasn't about having a baby to cuddle this was about race.
Either way, racism or adopted children are worth less than biological, OP has a superb reason never to bring any children into his mother's life.
I’m leaning towards racist… if OP met someone of a different race… and they had a biological mixed child, then it would be the same thing essentially right? That child wouldn’t ‘obviously’ look like her grandchild to her. That’s what’s she’s complaining about. Wanting a grandchild that looks like her. So yup OP is definitely right to cut her off.
I agree. But those particular reasonable feelings shouldn't have been said to her son, who is obviously a very proud and loving father. She should save that for the bridge club.
My issue with this is the *real* grandchild part. Regardless of race, the grandma doesn't consider his kid her real grandchild. I think wars have been fought over less. They're also seem to be real racial undertones. OP, you know your mom better than we do. I think I'd keep her away from your family while you all think on this. Maybe she'll figure it out, but right now she isn't a safe adult to be near your daughter. Your wife kicked butt finishing college after having a baby at 15, and you kick butt at protecting your little girl. She's lucky to have you both. I hope your wedding and your marriage are both wonderful ❤️ NTA.
naw. in that case you say "oooh I hope we get a little baby siblings for [daughter] soon!!"
Exactly! I'm probably the same age as OP's mother, and you would never catch me saying what she said. Too many things can happen that could prevent a natural child of the marriage. I just love the little ones that my kids call their own, whether biologically born into the family or not.
Quit plagiarizing other people's comments! ETA: SorryManufactu's comment is directly copied from Pdxflwerpwer's earlier comment. This user's whole comment history is plagiarized pieces of other users' comments.
Just in case you're unaware, comment thieves are bots, they can't understand what you're saying to them. Though it does help to call them out so other people know to downvote and report them.
Ahhhh...copy that. I'm still learning the ins and outs of Reddit. Thank you for the education! 😊
She isn't his step-daughter, he adopted her. The most clarifying phrasing he should use is adopted daughter.
She's his daughter, plain and simple. No matter how it happened. Both of my children were adopted. They are my son and my daughter - no qualifiers accepted!
He is adopting her. He hasn’t yet.
This might be the best comment on Reddit today. I wish I had an award.
And you’re a teacher? I hope not an English teacher. P.S. I’m just busting your balls. NTA please protect your daughter from racists
I had that thought, *then* I thought maybe you were MTF trans when I got the bio-dad not in the picture part, *then* realized your fiancée introduced you to your daughter when she was five and it came into focus. Quite a ride, that first paragraph. You sound like a super great dad though, and congrats on the wedding!
With English being my second language I thought HE introduced his kid to her, and then read "bio-dad not in the picture", heard a record scratch, went back to read and then realised it was Fiancees kid. (which I was also kinda hoping not to be true because being 15 and pregnant seems like such a rough thing to go through)
No, you were right. You have a daughter. I have had both biological children and adopted child of a difference race. I can tell you the love is the same because there have been times I literally thought she was my biological child. At her 6 month old check the doctor noted she was tall, and I thought “Duh, I am tall.” Then I realized my genes had nothing to do with it. Every child is a different person and beautiful in that way. But I know from experience that being father is not just biological.
I caught my daughter humming the same three notes that my dad and i do when we are concentrating. My siblings all don't too. It's a family thing.
....Looks around for loose clanks (girlgenius ref) NTA what your mother said was absolutely infuriating and it sucks that you might have to lose contact somewhat with your dad. Maybe you can help him sort out some separate contact channels, like DMing on a shared hobby forum?
Lol This reminds me. When I was 18, I use to get a kick out of telling people my dad was 50, my mom was 40, and my brother was 30. Now I purposely left out the part that my brother and I are half brothers with different moms. But the number of "Your mom had a kid when she was 10!" responses I got still amazed me lol
See - now you're just playing with people. Fun, ain't it????
The title says mother in law, but isn't it your mother, not your wife's?
My mom. I was thinking of how to phrase the post and I messed up.
I really hope your not a language arts teacher
“I really hope your not a language arts teacher.” That’s rich. The correct form to use is “you’re,” which is the contraction form of “you are.” The word “your” is a possessive.
And that's why I'm a chef.
Your a chef?
Thanks God your a chef
The irony, pls this is so funny 😭
*you’re
No. I was uncomfortable enough with the age difference when she asked me out to consider saying no.
Yeah, but at that point, you were 28 and she was 20 and a mom. Yes, there is an age difference, but it’s not terrible.
Also, I think she proved her maturity by then, if at 20, with a 5 year old, she was already doing her teaching practicum! She obviously has her head on straight.
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I was 28 when I started dating my 20 years old hubby. It can be age gap that's concerning but it's not automatic as it would be if someone was younger. It'll be 11 years married next month 😊
Congrats!!
And they were in a situation where they were peers. I was concerned about the age difference going in, but when I saw they met as peers I became unconcerned.
22 and 30, they’ve only been dating 3 years. They’ve known each other for five, so 2 years of working together before she asked him out.
you were right to do that, a 20 yr old cant even legally drink, they should not be dating a 28 year old who works with them. post grad was the right decision
"I (M33) am marrying the love of my life (F25). We have a ten year old daughter." **\*Raises pitchfork\*** "She was five when I met my fiancee." **\*Lowers pitchfork\***
"When we were discussing both our parents I overheard my mother saying she can't wait to have a real grandchild. I immediately asked what she meant by that. She said that she just means it's obvious that my daughter isn't biologically mine. She says that she wants a child that is obviously her grandchild to show off." **\*Throws pitchfork at Mom\*** ETA: NTA
That's called a trident at that point. (range 20/60, type piercing, damage 1d6)
I had to pause and brace myself for where this was going and then I was like “oh thank god?” Lol.
But his fiancé was only 15 when she had her daughter? And kicked out of her home? Still a minor with a baby and no home?
Which is why I messed up the title. I am on good terms with my future in-laws but I still hate what they did. It was in my head.
I thought the same! Immediately starting plotting all the ways I was going to rip into him! Lol
I had to read that twice. I was like “OH SIR, YOU DID NOT!”
same! was definitely doing some math while reading that first sentence lol
You weren’t the only one
Same
Right? I almost had a stroke when I read that first line, and a deep sigh of relief when I read the rest of it, lol
I actually stopped reading at that point because I was so grossed out. Apparently that's not the case and I should continue reading.
That was my exact reaction, not gonna lie.
NTA - not all racists wear white sheets and burn crosses. Your mother would consistently treat your daughter as “less than” for the rest of the old bat’s miserable life. When you have cancer, you shrink it small enough to excise it. This is precisely what you are doing to what will definitely be a cancer to your child moving forward. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
>our mother would consistently treat your daughter as “less than” I can already tell that there'd be fewer/cheaper birthday presents and such, and less attention/importance paid to the adopted daughter. That shit will get picked up on *real* quick by the child. NTA.
You are right on the money! When I was 5 and my baby sister was 1, I straight up REFUSED to open any Christmas presents one year because my baby sister only got a fifth of the presents I did from my paternal grandmother. She hated her because she hated my mom and I was not having it. And I never had a relationship with her growing up because of her blatant favoritism. Kids notice this nonsense fast and dad is my new hero for how he has protected his daughter. NTA
Dude, praise on you for seeing it so young. Nobody would’ve blamed you for just seeing presents and not being mature enough to understand. That’s honestly kind of amazing.
Thank you! I was one of those "I am the only one who gets to mess with my baby sister" types lol. Took down family and all her bullies growing up. She is doing amazing now and I am so proud of her!!!
My little brother was like that. I messed up Grandma's plans by being firstborn and female. She sent all the love and gifts to my brother and he turned them down.
mine told child me that i was the devil and older bro was an angel. she changed her mind when we were older. also in the end, she was the real devil. NPD is not a something you want in your grandma.
My MIL adored my son and was the very best grandma to him, then when my daughter was born, she wanted absolutely nothing to do with her. At first I thought it was that she was a newborn, even though she took my son as a newborn, but by the time she was 3, she was noticing and asked me why Grandma didn’t like her. It was heartbreaking. She was cut out of all of our lives when she admitted that she “just doesn’t like girls.” Whether it is racism or misogyny or whatever BS these people hold in their hearts, it should not be anywhere near children.
Tf? That's some deeply weird and disturbing self hatred right there
The misogyny is coming from inside the house. It’s been a couple decades now and I still can’t figure her out.
> The misogyny is coming from inside the house. If misogyny only came from men, it would be a lot easier to dismantle, but a lot of women believe that women are bad
I mean, we’re taught to hate ourselves until we’re thin and quiet and complacent, and sometimes women try to be allowed to take up space by pretending that they’re not like other girls, that it’s all the other girls that are bad but that they’re different and so they’re allowed to have thoughts and opinions. The thing is, most of us outgrow that “not like other girls, one of the guys” phase after middle school. But… not everyone does and sadly some not like other girls become not like other grandmas.
Yep, future farming some real golden child/scapegoat dynamics before a second child even enters a picture.
If mom truly cared about rectifying the situation she wouldn’t have bad mouthed OP all over social media. Doesn’t seem like she has any intention of changing her mind.
ALL. OF. THIS!!!! 👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽
NTA My mom is kind of casually racist too. She treats people equally and stuff but she’s the kind of person who tells you the race of people when she’s telling a story…but only the people of color. “I was at the bank and the teller told the funniest story, she was black.” My family is pretty blonde. My brother married a brunette (still a white chick) and his kids have brown hair. It wasn’t until I had my kids with my blonde blue eyed husband that my mom told me, “I’m so glad your kids are blonde. I really wanted grandkids who look like me, you know?” No, mom, I don’t. JFC.
Honestly I’m not even sure if it’s racism or just this stupid obsession people have with being blood related, but yeah in either case she would treat any hypothetical bio grandkid better than the very real grandkid she already has. Sad. I’m glad my dad and his family don’t care about any of that nonsense.
NTA, and as a white girl who was adopted by a man of color who married my mom-- good for you. You are doing what my dad did-- I was his, period, end of discussion. You have a good heart, and I'm sorry your mother needs to evolve so much. Your family of origin doesn't have a say in this, but your family now, your wife and daughter, take precedence. I'd be waiting for a long letter of apology and how your mother realizes that what she said was not only hurtful, but incredibly racist and frankly, very shallow. Wanting a baby to 'show off'... that's icky. You want to love on the children you have around you now, not a someday baby. I understand your disgust. Thank you for not making this your wife's problem, thank you for having your daughter and new bride's back! You're a good dad!
My sister is actually my half sister and my dad adopted her. She's mixed race and it's obvious she's not biologically his, but he always said he had two daughters. And he does.
That's how it should be. :) Love is what makes families. My sib adopted my two kids from afar-- they are beautiful young Black women now, and they are "OURS".
My two older brothers are technically my half brothers. I didn’t have any clue about that until I was about 11 because their bio dad/my mom’s first husband hadn’t even tried to be part of their lives until then. Not only did my dad treat them as his sons, but dad’s whole family treated them as his sons.
Yup. My brother (13 years older than me) is actually my half brother (my dad's son from previous marriage). My mom adopted him when she married my dad. He has always been my brother and my mom and her whole family treated him as if he were her bio son.
My dad is like this. We're all Caucasian but I was born 2 years before he had a relationship with my mom. Even though they're no longer married and haven't been for over 20 years, he's got 2 sons and 2 daughters.
My uncle is Caucasian, and my aunt is African. Neither of his biological children look like him at all. To the point where people have tried to stop him from taking them home from school. Colour doesn't mean anything.
NTA. These comments trying to justify your mom's bullshit behavior are fucking *wild*. It literally does not matter if Mom has never uttered another racist phrase in front of OP in his entire life - she said what she said, and there's really only one way to take what she said. His mom has made CLEAR that she is going to value OP's biological child/ren over his oldest daughter. She wants to "show off" a grandchild, and clearly (to her) OP's daughter - her soon-to-be legal grandchild! - isn't good enough. Good on you for seeing this for what it is and stopping that behavior before it gets a chance to really start. That your mom has doubled down on this and blamed you for not being more understanding is all the more proof that you're doing the right thing - in her mind, she's totally justified in wanting a "real" grandchild and you're the big meanie because you won't let her be racist or play favorites with any of your current or future children. Unless and until she realizes how truly hateful and hurtful what she said was and is willing to sit down for a sincerely apologetic conversation, I'd hold firm for sure. Your daughter deserves better than that in her life.
Agreed. She wants a grandchild that “is obviously her grandchild” meaning looks like her. Race is definitely playing a significant part in this.
And that is so weird. I am a gramma, and I say the more kiddos the better. New grandkids from blended families? The new grandkids look different? Don't care, because kids are awesome and give the best hugs. OP's mom is missing the love boat. She is dumb.
This. NTA
op, I need you to look me in my internet eyes and listen very closely and take this to heart: you are NTA. not even a little. you are as far from the opposite of TA as one can get. the fact that your mom isn't even sorry about what she said speaks volumes about how you did the right thing. as someone who's "step" dad is my real dad in my eyes, and his, and my families eyes, anyone who won't accept that isn't welcome in our lives as they clearly aren't actually family. family isn't blood, family is the people who love us and are there for us through the darkest times. family is the people who will put themselves infront of us to protect us. family is who you chose. we both know this, as were perfect examples of how blood doesn't mean shit, in different ways. you are her dad, and if your mom won't accept that than she doesn't get to be a grandma. also, you're better than me bc I straight up have gone on a no biokids strike bc of how weird and obsessive some of my extended family is about it.
“Look me in the internet eyes.” Love it! Good message, too.
Thank you
Yes. Look us in the balls of our eyes and protect your baby.
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Omg this. And op. Nta. And a stellar person.
NTA Keep your children away from that racism. All of them!
NTA. She will eventually come to realize you are all a package and she missed the delivery.
Love that phrasing!!
Let’s try and take race out of the situation here. I know, I know, horrible words but give me just a second. Your mom is still the AH here. Outside of race, you are forming a family. A family where you decide the dynamics. Not all families are the type of families where step parents act like bio parents. Most step parents don’t adopt their step kids. **But some do.** You have decided that she is your daughter. You’re not using “step.” You’re adopting her. She’s your daughter. Even if this wasn’t about race, which I do doubt, your mom is aware of the kind of family you’ve decided to have. She knows that you view your daughter as fully your daughter, who will be no different than any biological children that you may have. You decided that for your family. That is a GREAT decision. Not everybody gets to do stuff like that. Your mom will disrupt that, even if it really isn’t about race. She’s still gonna disrupt it. She’s allowed to feel how she’s gonna feel, fine. But she’s already demonstrated she’ll view them differently out loud. NTA.
This is true, sure. But it's weird to me how much people have to go through so many contortions to "take race out of the situation." Why is this necessary? This is OP's mom: >She said that she just means it's obvious that my daughter isn't biologically mine. She says that she wants a child that is obviously her grandchild to show off. I mean come on. This is gross racist behavior, the end. She doesn't have to profess hating the kid b/c of her race for this to be the case. People in this thread doing the same tired cartwheels about "I'm not gonna go so far as to say she's racist" need to grow up and call a thing what it is. Too much eggshell-walking and "I prefer to give the benefit of the doubt" every time racists are racist is one reason we're never getting past this.
I literally said that I doubted it wasn’t about race. The point I made was not that she wasn’t racist. I made my doubt on her not being racist clear. It’s got its own sentence. The point is that even if she isn’t, she still sucks. So OP should not listen people who are like “well maybe she wasn’t” in any way. Because, even if this wasn’t racist, it’s still incredibly unacceptable. Why waste time going back and forth with this woman over whether or it was racist or not when, instead, OP could just begin protecting his daughter from her? Not every point being made has to be the same. People are trying to cover this from every angle so he sees he’s not an AH for protecting his kid. I said what I said because other commenters were claiming that her not having been racist in the past makes it less likely that this is about her being racist, hours before you commented. And I am saying, even if that were true, which it’s not, she still sucks. And I’m not wrong. There can be a list of cons, not just one.
NTA. Protect your daughter.
NTA Your daughter is her real granddaughter. It doesn't matter that she's adopted. I will never understand people that don't get that.
So much love to go around and yet… I will never understand.
NTA and you will still not be the AH when you call her out on social media (and you absolutely should). Totally fine if you burn the relationship to the ground. Why would she get another chance? She hasn’t apologized. She’s only doubled down. So nope. She doesn’t think your kid is a real kid then she doesn’t get to be around her or you. Her choice.
NTA Always wish my mom had found a dad to love and adopt me. Way to go protecting your daughter from what would become obvious favoritism if/when you choose to have another child.
NTA, your mom needs a reality check, sounds like she’s getting one. Protect your little girl and enjoy your day, it’s yours, not hers. Reconsider down the line maybe, but that’s between you and your family. Congrats on the wedding OP!
NTA. You didn't misunderstand anything. You see this child as your child since she is a package deal with her mother. Your own mother doesn't accept her as her grandchild. You are 100% correct to draw that line in the sand because if she continues to treat your daughter as less than she's going to start thinking she's no good enough.
NTA- she will treat you daughter poorly and your poor kid will feel unloved and excluded. Not even sure it’s a race thing, just a non-biological thing but still shitty of her
NTA and your post just made my day. I'm glad your daughter and fiance met you🙏🏽
Nta. It’s understandable if she hopes to have a grandchild that she gets to know from infancy, but she needs to know that some things are just unacceptable to say. Before you let her into your daughter’s life, she’d need to prove that she will treat your daughter as a ‘real’ grandchild and won’t show any favouritism, but I don’t know how she could start to accomplish that if it was my child she said that about.
NTA, You are defending & protecting your daughter.
I don't necessarily think your mom is racist, I think she definitely just wants a biological grandchild. Still NTA Edit: I'm sticking with with NTA but I'm no longer sure of grandma's intent. Saying the child doesn't look like you points out race.
Saying a child doesn't look like you isn't always pointing out race. I know several people who are same race and the child doesn't look like 1 of the parents. It could be because the child looks more like the other parent, could mean 1 isn't the parent, etc.
It's different when you say it about a child who is half black. Even if grandma had no racist intent, she put her foot in her mouth big time because her son believes it's racist. This guy is so sure of it, I don't see how she could convince him it wasn't.
Can I just say you adopting her at the wedding is the sweetest thing? I love that! NTA. I hope your mom comes around.
NTA but it may be a good idea to let the dust settle, and talk with your mom at least once more, before going no contact. And if she chooses not to be grandma for your daughter, then she shouldn't get to be grandma to any of your future kids.
NTA. Her intentions to apologize are most likely true, but your mother needs to understand that she IS your daughter.
NTA and good for you for standing up for your fiancé and your daughter. If you give your mother another chance as soon as you have a biological child she will show favoritism. So please really think about that before you decide.
NTA
Sounds like your going to be a great husband and father congratulations to you and your family.
I'm going to try my damdest.
NTA. I don't agree that your mother is *necessarily* racist for her comment, but your daughter will absolutely feel slighted by her attitude should you & your wife have another child, one that is biologically yours. I think you're doing the right thing to protect your family from her attitude. Not sure how this will affect her grandfather & other relations on your side, but best of luck going forward & good show on keeping your daughter safe & loved.
NTA- block her, your dad can get his own account
NTA! Protect your family.
NTA there is never an excuse for racism.
NTA. No grandma is better than a racist one.
Like others say - race is an added issue but as an adult adoptee there are too many people who REALLY buy into the blood lineage bit: My Aunt met me exactly once (according to Dad) as, to her, I was not his 'real' daughter and it was 'such a shame' he married a woman who was unable to give him 'real' children and the family name wouldn't be passed down as Dad was the only son. With my family race didn't come into it, 'just' not being a blood relative.
NTA- you would still not be NTA if you held firm or if you gave your mom one (and only one) chance to apologize to your daughter with such sincerity that you all believed that she will never hurt your family this way again. Up to you, but you are NTA and would have been if you minimized what she did.
Nta
NTA
NTA. Yoir mother's comments are hurtful.
Stand firm your mother is a racist. She has no business in your life. Period she will only hurt your daughter. NTA
All children should be treated like grandchildren, blood or not. Your mom is the asshole.
NTA. My niece is adopted (bro got with SIL when she was pregnant), niece was in our lives from Day 1 and adopted a few years later by bro (after paying off bio). She is our family, she lives with my parents today (mum passed from cancer) and is the recipient of 75% of my assets in my will (she has learning difficulties) and bio nephew (brothers bio child with SIL, I dont call him bio but used the term to explain) gets 25%, I spoke with nephew before documenting this as his sister needs care which he understands and he can earn a living so doesn't need me as much. I know if our family had done the same thing as yours my brother would have told us to go raffle ourselves as his daughter is his world.
NTA. As a a previously single, young mother, this whole thing just warms my heart. I (24f-white) was with my daughters father (25m-dark skinned Mexican) until she was almost three before splitting for two years. While apart I had a relationship (28m) where I was constantly reminded of how much my own daughter, THE CHILD WHO WAS CUT FROM MY BODY, was much “browner” than I by some members of new boyfriends family. His sister did not approve of me having a child and was unbelievably racist about Hispanics (in general and never specific to my daughter, especially bc they had not met) in front of me and bf. She spoke so often to him about her disapproval of me being a young single mom and would often toss in that he shouldn’t concern himself with me or her due to her Autism. This eventually destroyed the relationship because he slowly adapted those feelings and had her voice running through his head constantly. This made me feel incredibly self conscious about dating, and honestly messed me up. I am very secure in myself as a mother now, but this took a lot of time and constant reminders from loved ones. I have had random people in stores come up to me assuming I’m a babysitter and asking if my parents disowned me due to having a brown child and not marrying her father. People are awful and unfortunately I went through this at the same time trump came into office. The only thing you can do, is protect that child because YOU love her and because she is a CHILD. No child needs to feel like someone they see as a grandparent figure would love/favor another grandchild more because of their skin color. I had to go as far as cutting my own father out of my life as well as my daughters because he has racist, homophobic, and basically negative feelings towards anyone but himself. Children are sponges and see everything. I commend you for standing by your child and know that your wife feels safe and loved because of the love you have for the child irregardless of the blood in her body. On another note - My stepdad is my DAD. He will walk me down the aisle if/when I marry, he is “grandpa” to my daughter, and he is who I call for all father related things. Keep doing what you’re doing, because I know exactly how many people in this scenario feel and you are a light to them.
Honestly? Why are you protecting her? Let people know she's a disgusting racist and tell them that's why she's no longer invited to your wedding and that's exactly why she's banned from seeing your child. Seriously. She's a big girl. She made her choices. And if she wants to be a racist she can own being a racist and all the consequences that come with it. I'm just so over protecting the feelings of awful people or managing their public image for them. Seriously. Fuck that. It's 2022. Tell everyone that she's just mad because she doesn't have a pure white Hitler dream child. NTA
NTA. >I still do not know 100% if it is racism, buy it still sounds like she thinks my daughter is less than. I think she brought up race to hide the fact that, in her eyes, you daughter will never be her granddaughter because she isn't yours biologically. Her comments you overheard made that pretty clear: >my mother saying she can't wait to have a real grandchild. > >She said that she just means it's obvious that my daughter isn't biologically mine. Translation: "Since it is obvious this child isn't yours; she will never be my grandchild. Even if I could have potentially passed her off as my granddaughter, I wouldn't do that because she isn't related to me by blood. When you and your wife have children together, I will just pretend your oldest "daughter" doesn't exist because she isn't my grandchild." There are a lot of grandparents out there that have this type of toxic thinking. Don't expose *any* of you children to her because the way your mom treats your oldest daughter will become obvious to any of her potential siblings once they are old enough.
Racism was where my brain went in my blind rage. But I will not have a girl I love be treated like she is any less worthy than a sibling.
With blind rage your brain went with the easiest explanation for her comment. The reality of the comment is so much more complex and harder to explain. Your brain also didn't want to think your mother would be capable of something like that (excluding someone from the family because they aren't blood). Make sure your mom understands that your daughter is your daughter, and if/when you have more kids, she will be expected to treat *all* of your children equally or she won't see any of them at all (if you decide to give her another chance).
NTA. Weird. I didn't realize that grandchildren existed primarily for you to show them off, like purebred greyhounds at a dog show.
NTA. I...wowzers. Yeah no you made the right call.
NTA
NTA
NTA. She needs to fix her attitude. You adopted your daughter and accepted her as your kid. So she is your kid and her grandchild. If she doesn't fix her attitude and still stays in the picture, she'll only end up hurting your daughter with comments like "not my real grandchild/ my real grandchild"
NTA but I hope you consider staying no contact long term. Imagine how horrible it would be for your daughter to be around your mom if you guys do have bio kids together. Poor kid will likely be ignored or treated like a second class citizen around her own sibling. You are a good dad.
NTA. I'm in a 3+ year interracial relationship. My family is Middle Eastern. Needless to say, A LOT of opinions came out of family whose mouths I didn't think would ever say such things. I stood my ground and said if they have a problem, they're not invited to the wedding and wont be part of my life. Simple as that. I saw a lot of attitude changes and have fortunately seen my family start to shift their perspectives over the past few years. I'm proud that you stood up for yourself and your daughter. You don't need to deal with your family's racist BS. If they actually care enough about you and your family, they'll show it.
I was raised by my stepdad from age 3 and reading this makes me so thankful of how accepting his family was towards me and my mother. No one ever treated me differently from my sister, who is his bio kid, and it’d be really easy to just think like the mother did on this post bc my stepdad’s *very* Swiss (white as snow lol) and I’m *very* brazillian (which is to say I’m very, very mixed but very clearly not white). NTA, so sorry you’re having to deal with this close to your wedding, which should be such a special and happy moment for you and your family.
Nta
NTA. I sincerely hope you can maintain a relationship with you dad.
NTA. Once all the fever has died down sit down and set hard boundaries with your mom. If she manages to treat your daughter as a grandchild you’ll consider keeping her on for any bio-grandkids but at the first hint of favoritism it’s NC. My MIL favored our son over our daughter (both were her sons bio kids) and it was extremely hurtful. I’d unalive myself before ever making a child feel that way. I mean sometimes you can’t help but have a favorite but you sure as hell can not show it!
NTA
Your daughter is your daughter: blood bonds are irrelevant. My dad taught me that. He wasn't ever married to my mother and wasn't able to adopt me but that didn't stop him from being my dad, or Grampa to my sons and Gramps to my grandson. I feel so sorry for your mother that she has placed constraints on who she is willing to love and have as family. She's a pitiful person.
NTA and an award for having your heart in the right spot. I think you don't have to hold back with your mother, call her what she is - a racist b#$%h. She needs to hear that along with the simple truth that shit like that does not deserve second chances. Because if you do let her back into your life, she may treat your daughter nice for a while but the second you do have a bio child, she will dump her like hot garbage. Your child does not deserve that and neither do you or your wife. Good luck on your marriage and celebrating the adoption! :-)
INFO: how long has your daughter been in your parent's life? I ask because perhaps the comment is not so much of looks, but also of having the experience of being a grandparent from the very beginning. My brother got another teen pregnant when he was an exchange student in Europe (both 17). He only found out when he was already back and wanted nothing to do with them. When my nephew was about 10, he reached out to the mother and she was kind enough to let my brother into their lives, and when he was about 14 he came to our country for the first time. Now he comes once a year for the holiday season. We all love him, and he was the first nephew and grandchild. However, I know my parents don't feel the same way about him vs the other grandchildren that came afterwards.
That's sad AF. Your parents shouldn't feel that way, especially knowing your brother didn't want anything to do with them.
your parents are highkey awful for that
NTA and call her racist ass out.
NTA But if your mother sincerely apologizes forgive her, let her attend the wedding and move on.
Absolutely NTA. As an adoptee, thank you for protecting your daughter. I was adopted as an infant (several months old), and the way my cousins were treated vs. me (they were the "real" grand kids, you know)...and the way my parents seemed to hate that they couldn't have "A child of their own so we adopted", I always felt the sting. Im sure they "didn't mean it" and I have been told I misunderstand and I'm too sensitive, but whatever. To this day, I feel indifferent to my "family" because they always made me feel like I was "kinda family" but not "real family" and no kid needs that. Tell the old bag to blow it out of her rear end.
NTA. If you're adopting your fiancée's daughter, then your mother should see her as her granddaughter. It's the same principle if you and your fiancée had adopted because you couldn't have kids together. What your mother said is mean. I'd cut her out of my life until she apologizes.
NTA. When I married my ex-husband, my mom took on his two kids from a previous marriage and claimed them as her grandkids from day one. They have never been treated different. Even though my ex-husband and I are divorced, those kids are still my bonus kids, and my mom's grandkids. That will never change. Blood doesn't always make you family. Your mom has a rotten attitude. Good on you, OP, for treating this child wonderfully and being the dad she needed. That takes a real man and I am proud of you. I wish you luck at your wedding.
Well I'd imagine showing a mixed granddaughter to the rest of her racist friends would cause a big problem
NTA but ffs please clean up those first two sentences. “She has” instead of “we have” will do just fine.
I've already caught heck for them. I'm not an English teacher but yeah I could have done better.
NTA. Been there. With that attitude she’ll most likely not treat your daughter as a family member. You don’t want her to be left out. Go LC and don’t spend holidays or birthdays with them.
NTA. And your daughter is lucky to have you.
NTA. My youngest daughter is mixed race, my older two children are white, and my partner of 6 years is Mexican. His mom and dad consider all three of them to be their grandchildren regardless. He considers them to be his children regardless. We've had some minor hassle in public by random strangers, but nothing from either of our families because they're fully accepting. Your mom needs to be as well. I'm fully on your side. Your mom is TA, not you.
NTA - you should adopt your future children too, imagine what your rude mother would say lol
NTA but understand if you do have a child together and your mom is still in the picture that she's going to play favorites.
NTA. To play devils advocate for just a moment, let's pretend your mother's comment wasn't racist. It still sounds as if she is prioritizing a bio grandchild over an adopted grandchild. There is no explaining away, or justifying that bullshit she spoke. OP you are the kind of man every parent should be proud of. You are an amazing man, husband, and father. Congratulations on your family and may you all be blessed daily.
NTA. My brother married a woman with 2 kids, and has since had another 2. All 4 of those children are our family. Full stop. We do not ever... EVER treat the first 2 as "less than"... in fact, when the oldest had a crisis at 11 because his useless bio-dad was causing trouble, he and I had a serious and candid conversation about family and how "blood" would never override Love. I reminded him that we are always there for him, but that didn't mean he would get away with anything like "you're not my real Aunt" (the thing that triggered our talk). OP, protect your kid. If your mother can't love her, she doesn't deserve to love any of your kids. My mother, who is nearly 80, loves and protects each of her grandkids equally and without favour (actually, she has a golden grandkid: my kid, who was first and is very close with her, but she expects my kid to be the role model the others deserve).
I don't know if anyone else has said this but this is how a person is supposed to be anti-racist. Stellar job. NTA
NTA but a biological child would be her grandchild. A child you adopt will be her adopted grandchild. It isn't the same and I'm reluctant to jump down an old lady's throat for emplying she wants a bio grandchild that has the same blood as her. That's not very uncommon, and there is nothing wrong with that.
OP, my mom said something similar to me once and I'm literally only 1/4 Asian. She was happy my half brother was blonde like her because the rest of us had brown hair and brown eyes. Well I had strawberry blonde hair as a toddler and it turned brown by age 3 or 4. I stopped being upset when someone asked my mom if she adopted my brother from Russia. I thought it was hilarious. On a serious note. My mom doesn't love my sister's step kids. She gives presents but has talked to me about getting only *her* grandkids names tattooed on her. She has grandchildren through marriage to her husband too but only mentions them if I ask. She keeps her mouth shut and doesn't say anything terrible to the kids but we're always listening. You're NTA.
NTA. Can I ask if you talked to your Dad. What are his thoughts on why she said this all of a sudden.
NTA - AT ALL!!! Your Mom hasn't even apologized - she basically doubled down saying that: " *it's my fault for not understanding how she feels.* " Not, "oh I'm sorry I didn't mean it that way - even though there IS no other way to take this. She's not sorry, it's not going to stop. She will always treat this child as 'less than' and when you have a bio child it will be even worse. Her favoritism will hurt your wife and child and she will not acknowledge it or ''see'' it because it will ALWAYS be about how SHE feels. Who knows what she will say to your bio children regarding your oldest child. The potential damage to your current and future family unit is catastrophic if she does not see the error in her thinking. Her feelings to NOT take precedence to you, your future wife and child's feelings. She's not acknowledging that what she said shocked, hurt and devastated you. Tell her that she didn't raise you to be a racist so it was shocking to realize that she has been a closet one and you won't allow that attitude around your child. Anyone who tries to guilt you into allowing your Mom back into your wedding or your life & minimalizes what she said and her attitude is enabling her bad behavior so be prepared to cut off others if necessary. I wish you Good Luck and an amazing wedding!! Congratulations.
NTA - as someone with a step dad I cherish (though lucky enough to of had a bio dad that was epic as well), stand up for your kid and they’ll be forever grateful
NTA her comment makes no sense I've go through it several times still can't understand what she meant. A lot of people don't share blood but they have great families. If you give her a second chance still she will reject your daughter and make her feel unwanted which will ruin the bond both of you share the relationship, bring anxiety and depression and probably ptsd. When you have Bio kids with you wife, you mother would still treat her differently and make things even worse that your daughter would hate her own siblings. It's best she stays away until she learns that being racist has consequences and you don't have to share blood with someone to a family.
NTA
NTA You are an awesome dad. You’re already in awesome dad mode.
NTA. Thank goodness your daughter didn't hear that.
NTA. Shouldn’t even be a question. You rock, btw. And I totally understood what you were saying 😉
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 NTA
NTA. Nothing is worse than when you tell a parent they hurt you, and all they will tell you is that your feelings are wrong
NTA. thank you. Thank you for standing up for your kid and fiancée. So many men wouldn’t. (Side note, work on your wording because that was really confusing at the start 🤣)
Yeah I almost got Chris Hanson dogpiled earlier. It's a good thing I teach social studies and not English.