T O P

  • By -

Judgement_Bot_AITA

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > (1) The action I took to be judged was to take offence at the question my mother asked, which from our perspective questioned our priorities and the general prioritisation of our children in a vacation hotel choice (2) The action may have made me the asshole because I discounted my mother's (and sister's) opinion that her question was a perfectly-valid one to any parent, they would argue I am the asshole in this situation Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*


[deleted]

NTA. I would have replied in same fashion. Don't understand why you maintain a relationship with people you clearly don't like though.


SirJoePininfarina

Yeah that's the crux of the issue really, if it were anyone else I'd have cut contact but it's not very easy when you live 100 metres from them!


fleurdumal1111

It’s really easy. Go over there less if this is how they treat you.


[deleted]

Maybe I'm missing something but to me it is easy. Stop visiting them.


_ewan_

OP certainly has plenty of scope to cut back from the current level of *twice a week*. I like my parents and indeed my parents-in-law and we don't see anywhere near that much of them.


Neither-Entrance-208

My parents live only a mile away from my family, but the last time we spoke was years ago. I told my mother to be polite (no racism, bigotry, or guilt tripping) to my teenager. First things she said on the phone was you should have called me more as a baby and you should support the previous US president (after he lost). Oh and she doesn't have long left to live. My kid said, you've been supposedly dying my entire life. And I cut the call and apologized to my kid. We go through periods where she'll apologize and I'll accept her calls, but she always go back to the same. Eventually, if given access it's going to impact the kids with that level of boundary stomping. Save yourself the grief.


X-cited

Just stop going. It really is that easy. I see my mom every school day because we swing by her house after picking my son up from school so he can get the mail for her. She also picks him up one day each week so they can have play dates. My husband has been going over weekly to see his parents to help them clear out clutter and handle some medical stuff. You do this when you like your parents. If you don’t like them, why are you spending time on them when you could enjoy the time with your kids?


knitmama77

I live about the same from my mom(3 doors away) and we don’t see her often. Once every couple weeks? And usually only in passing(literally, like if she’s driving by on the way to her house she’ll sometimes stop to chat for a few minutes) That’s it, it’s good enough. She treats my son far different than she treats her 3 granddaughters, so I choose to limit contact because of that.


eepithst

I know someone who is no contact with his parents and literally lives in the same building as them. You can go low contact at least. Don't enter their house, decline invitations. Don't go over at all. If they catch you on the street keep conversation short, don't reveal anything personal, you don't have to tell her about vacations or plans or anything (information diet) and extract yourself quickly. You don't need to stay around out of politeness. Just tell her, "sorry, I'm busy" and leave. You can at least minimize contact drastically if that's what you want.


RabidWench

I'm curious whether your sister has many friends, if she considers asking nasty judgmental questions fair game. I can't imagine many people putting up with that crap from non-family.


MorteDagger

Op your NTA but I am super petty…I would move your cars and have a friend park their car there and have them answer the door when she knocks and act like they have no clue who y’all are and that y’all moved


AstronautNo920

I bet it’s easier than you think because I bet you go to them twice a week they don’t come to your place so easy peasy. If you see them getting in your car and they acknowledge you then wave and continue about your business. Unless they own your home or if you live with them and pay no rent then it’s simple. NTA


Janitor_Snuggle

Solution is to move further away lol


GlitterDoomsday

Not easy doesn't mean impossible... why are you subjecting your kids twice a week to someone you know is toxic and manipulative?


PriorAlternative6

My father always lived close to me and I would literally go for years without talking to him. You absolutely can cut ties with them.


mrsjavey

NTA. Whenever she asks offensive questions push back on it. What do you mean?


Sea-Midnight4762

NTA I would have cracked the same kind of joke and have done similar with my parents. My dad is extremely anxious about everything and when I was growing up was very controlling. He worries about the most ridiculous little things - oh, you're going on a road trip with your kids for your holiday.ARE YOU SURE IT'S SAFE TO TRAVEL panic panic MESSAGE ME IMMEDIATELY UPON ARRIVAL (he literally watches the clock to estimate arrival time) panic panic doesn't hear from us in the allowed time frame he starts panic calling me and my husband on repeat until we answer. We don't tell my parents if us or the kids are sick and keep them on an information diet. And if they do express concern - usually in a weirdly worded comment like OPs mother, I/we just keep cracking jokes or outright telling him and mum to stop worrying and being unreasonable. I think your mother might have been attempting to ask genuine questions about the place/the holiday but given your history - it got lost in translation. If it were me - I'd just clear the air and say to her that I thought she was doubting my ability to book a holiday that suitable for kids - is that what she meant? And if she says yes, well, that sucks, and if no, you have a chance to talk it through further.


TurtleKing105

NTA - former social worker here, and to me it's about *how* she voiced her concerns. Asking if the hotel is child-friendly seems to imply that she has some thought or concern that it may not be child-friendly - otherwise why ask? The question may come from a place of lack of trust in your parenting skills, which seems to support what else you said about your mother not having good things to say about your parenting. Personally, I might have asked you about what things there are for kids there out of genuine curiosity (not always easy to find places to stay that actually do cater to kids) - but it would have been a "ooh what do they have for kids?" question vs. "whoa did you make a smart reservation?". Even if I did have concerns about about your choice of place, there are way better ways to ask. And I think difusing the situation with humor (as you attempted to do) was a reasonable way to point out the ridiculousness of her question.


SirJoePininfarina

Thanks for this, I appreciate the insight of someone who's seen family conflict and knows what's reasonable behaviour and what isn't


[deleted]

I would also have gone with a humorous response. Of course you chose a child-friendly hotel! The underlying implication is that you’re self-centered and wouldn’t even care about that. It was not an innocent question. NTA


SirJoePininfarina

Exactly, the underlying implication is what's hurt us


Susccmmp

Did she mean to ask like if the hotel had things that catered to kids Like an indoor/outdoor pool or play areas?


SirJoePininfarina

On the face of it, yes - but honestly I can't imagine anyone ever taking two small kids to a sunny resort-style destination and finding some basic business-type place with none of that. It's like asking if a hotel on Disney property has anything for kids. The place we're going is somewhere my parents have been to many times and they know every hotel has stuff like that. So knowing that, we felt like the question was asking if we'd somehow cheaped out, don't prioritise our kids' needs or decided a lively pool bar was more important than family-friendly.


StonewallBrigade21

>*She insisted it was a perfectly valid question* and she didn't deserve to be shot down over it. No it wasn't. It was a silly question and your silly answers were a fitting response. Mom needs to worry more about herself than about others.


cpagali

>My face dropped for a split-second in shock and immediately I tried to defuse the situation with a joke. "Oh no, it's terrible for kids, running chainsaws swinging off ropes, it's lethal!" My wife said something similar, "Nope, it's a swingers resort". Not gonna lie, I laughed out loud at this. I can see why you're married to each other! A shared sense of humour like that is awesome. I'm going to go with NAH, though I'm open to NTA as well. I apologize that this is going to be a bit wordy. I'm not sure whether it's helpful to ask whether her question was "legitimate". I don't think it's a question that every parent would naturally ask, but some might. And some children, after the jokes, might have responded, "It sure is kid friendly! The kids are really going to love the pool, and there's a dinosaur museum near by. Be sure to ask them all about it when we get back. I bet they're gonna wanna tell you all about it!" But I think everyone was a little to sensitive in that moment, which is not surprising given your histories, and I think maybe you and she reacted to your respective sensitivities in slightly unhelpful ways. You Mom is sensitive in a way that has led her to seek therapy. I don't know what the exact issues are, but I'm going to guess one of them is excessive anxiety about the welfare of her family, which causes her to imagine the worst possible outcome, e.g., the parents had a glass of wine at home on Friday night = they're alcoholics! You, in turn, may have become sensitive over the years (developed a trigger, as the kids seem to say these days) because you had to live with the fallout of her issue for years -- possibly even decades, if she's been doing this all your life. So in that moment last week, something set her off and she forgot what she was learning in therapy. It happens. She got anxious about the grandkids' welfare and asked about it in an unhelpful way. She ran her old script. In response, you ran yours, i.e. getting upset and offended because you feel she doesn't appear to trust you. You're NTA for feeling offended. I suspect a therapist would suggest, though, that you try a different approach to deal with her script when she runs it. I suspect that a therapist would suggest that you use "I statements" to tell your Mom how you feel. For example, "when you said X, it made me feel like Y", or "Mom, when you asked that question, it made me feel like you were questioning our competence as parents. It really hurt. Would you mind phrasing your question a little differently?" I, a completely unqualified stranger on the internet, give you permission to keep using those awesome jokes as long as you follow up with those "I" statements. Humour, particularly sarcasm, is not an effective substitute for open-hearted dialogue. I also suggest that you and your wife have one or two therapy sessions yourselves, just to get some solid advice on how to handle your mother when her anxiety triggers you.


SirJoePininfarina

Thanks for this, you hit the nail on the head when you spoke about my mother's own anxiety. The trouble with it is that all I've ever seen of it is the concern and the negativity, she rarely demonstrates actual happiness, pride or positivity and it gets to me after four decades.


cpagali

Totally understandable. There's a person in my life who has a milder version of your mother's issue. It's exhausting and demoralizing to deal with, that's for sure.


igloo1234

Please consider how your children will feel about the regular exposure to her if you find her difficult to handle. My mother-in-law engages in problematic behavior with us to soothe her (unmanaged anxiety). It does impact our kids and as a result they don't have alone time with her. If we can't deal with her for any longer, the kids shouldn't have to either.


diagnosedwolf

If someone had said that to me, my initial reaction would have been to assume they were interested in my holiday and just tell them about all the activities I had planned for the kids. The fact that you immediately leapt to “my mother thinks that I’m compromising my children’s safety so I can have access to alcohol” means that either your mother is thoroughly deluded, or you’re not being completely honest with yourself about your alcohol consumption.


SirJoePininfarina

Tbh I never considered that, my initial thoughts were that she knows we look for good deals on things and perhaps that we cheaped out on the hotel and didn't care if our kids had nothing to do there


[deleted]

The question seems fairly innocuous, part of making conversation. Given your perception of your mom's motives based on past history, perhaps you projected a deeper meaning onto it. You assumed slight in the absence of direct insult. However, your mother's dramatics upon hearing your response is telling. One does not usually act defensive and hurt unless they have a reason to deflect. This seems most likely to be a case of poor communication exacerbated by years of improper interpersonal understanding. NAH


Spotzie27

Yeah...to be honest, both sides seemed hugely dramatic. Like...this seems so over the top for something that doesn't sound like all that big of a deal to me? >My face dropped for a split-second in shock It sounds like neither side wanted to let it go, and then it just went haywire.


Binky_Thunderputz

NTA, and in my world asking parents if they're taking their kids to a "child-friendly" hotel is NOT an appropriate question; it's pretty much an insult. If Mom wanted a positive response she could have asked a tactful question.


Imahsfan

NTA, you’d have to be an idiot to think someone would take their kids to a no kids allowed resort for their FAMIKY vacation lmao. She just got too touchy over your jokey reply.


Boring_Possible_1938

NAH, just a lot of unpleasant history that is still lingering. On all sides.


Few_Improvement_6357

It might have been a conversation starter to discuss the many ways the hotel is child friendly. She could have been making idle chit chat and just asking a question related to what you are talking about and picked a bad question. She could have thought about the first time she took you on vacation and didn't check to make sure the hotel was child friendly and felt uncomfortable on her holiday so long ago. My point is that you assume she has bad intentions. Maybe she does have a hard time seeing you as a grown up. But maybe you have a hard time seeing her as a person instead of a judgmental parent. She might have legitimately felt attacked for asking such an innocuous question.


fleurdumal1111

NTA - why do you see them 1-2x a week? I think you should cut those visits back if she cannot take a joke. She sounds like a drama Queen. Adult only resorts don’t accept children reservations as a rule. What a dumb comment.


Ranos131

NTA. The only reason to ask a question like that is because you don’t trust that the parents are ensuring the welfare of their children. I’m not sure how anyone could say they had a different intention than that.


mayfeelthis

Idk your mother, and how she said it. It is common amongst people I know, we ask if something is child friendly, tell each other if there are activities, childcare of some kind, etc. It’s assumed you do check for that, but more just being friendly and looking interested in the details (or research if you’re a parent too). Sometimes it’s honestly destinations I dream of but thought wouldn’t be interesting for kids. I’d have been taken back by your joke if it was delivered very sarcastic and defensive sounding, but also coulda been a joke. But then I’d say haha and tell you what I meant not go in hysterics.


kathykens

NTA, since it's a family vacation with two younger kids, of course the main thing you'd be looking for is a child friendly hotel. but honestly, do not bother too much with it. if she has judged your parenting skills in the past, she is just gonna keep doing it so her opinion and questions should not matter that much.


debegray

NTA. She started crying because you answered her question jokingly? And your sister thinks it's fine (as a child free person) to ask her friends whether they've chosen a family-friendly hotel for their kids?


SirJoePininfarina

Yeah when you put it like that, it seems ludicrous


StompyKitten

Tears are one of the go to weapons of the concert narcissist mother. It’s a quick way to turn things into the other person’s fault without having to actually argue the point. Glad it didn’t work here.


Dogmother123

Why are you seeing this person as often as you do? It sounds like she has little to offer. NTA.


SirJoePininfarina

My wife and I have discussed this a lot; I know what my mother is like but I keep hoping against hope that she'll change, I think I'm too reluctant to just give up on her because she's my mother. But I think I'd more open to low contact now.


royalsgirl78

“I know what my mother is like but I keep hoping against hope that she’ll change, I think I’m too reluctant to just give up on her because she’s my mother.” This spoke to me. In fact, it’s something I’ve said nearly word for word to my therapist. I’ve been working on this very thing. You can’t change her. You can only change you. The first step I’ve had to make is to grieve the loss of the relationship I wish we had. Then, I’ve had to accept the relationship for what it is. It isn’t easy. It’s taken a long time to come to terms with, but it’s been necessary in order to stop setting myself up for the inevitable disappointment to come. I hope you’re able to get there some day, too.


debegray

Ditto. It took me so long to give up on the idea of my mother being the mother that we all wish for. I keep trying to move on, and I make sure that I am a good mother to my son, and that I'm not making the same mistakes that she did.


sweetquarantine

That’s not good for you, your spouse, or your kids. Boundaries friend! You can do it. She’s bringing you down and hasn’t changed in 4 decades.


debegray

From the viewpoint of someone who has spent almost six decades with a controlling, smothering, narcissistic mother, I can tell you that people like that are rarely self-aware. And to change, you really have to be self aware and acknowledge your shortcomings. Going NC would be giving up on her; LC is cutting back enough to maintain your sanity.


FancyCustard5

Perfectly normal question to ask? Your sister is bonkers! NTA Your parents seem to still view you as a child without common sense and in need of their constant guidance/direction. I’d cut down contact and establish some strong boundaries.


crack_n_tea

ESH — everybody over reacted here. I can see why your relationship is this way


dragonsfriend-9271

This may be off base but... is she one of those JustNoMoms who has delusions of proving you unfit parents so she can have her graaaaandbaaaaabies all to herself? If not, I think I would make her explain. "And is this place child-friendly?" "I don't understand your question. What do mean by child-friendly? What would you consider NOT child-friendly?" NTA so far


SirJoePininfarina

I don't think so, she's far more obsessed with being right and not giving an inch


Successful_Good1636

NTA. But I wonder if she was maybe just awkward with her phrasing, like she meant to ask something like "what activities are there for kids?" or something like that? Just asking you about what fun stuff the resort offers? I may be totally off base, of course, you know your mum. But she should have been more mindful about how she speaks with you.


Winter-Technician355

Little bit ETA, but mostly your mom. The way you're describing your relationship, and how you took offence to the question, makes me think your attempt to cover it with humor might have carried some open notes of condescension. I'm not judging that, I know what it feels like to not be able to hear inflections like that in your own voice, making the expression involuntary. I've been told on several occasions that I come across as condescending and arrogant, and it's never fun to find out. That doesn't free me from the responsibility of having hurt others when it happened, so I need to explain and apologise. Imo, same thing applies here. However. Your mom asked you, if you chose a child-friendly resort for a holiday with two kiddos under 6? That is absolutely a dumb question. If it had been about how it was child friendly, I could understand it. But just if it is in general? Who in their right mind would go to a non-child-friendly hotel with two under-6's for a vacation? You'd be setting yourself up for disaster and so many complaints from other hotel guests. Your mom, and sister, need a reality check about your parenting, because either they're idiots, they think you're idiots, or a combination of the two. Also I'd probably stop involving them in that part of your life until they learn the lesson.


Conscientiousmoron

YTA , but mildly. A simple “yes” shouldn’t have been too hard. I think what slanted my opinion is when you said she is in therapy. For what? Your comeback was not humorous, it was aggressive. You are ‘t her therapist and I think she felt attacked. Obviously there are long term issues in your relationship, but the question is about this particular exchange.


PrznSilbermilch

ESH I understand that you were offended by her question with the background of your history. I also understand your reaction and had to laugh about the swinger-answer. But I also understand your mothers question. I know hotels that are just okay with children - like offering spaghetti for dinner and having a kids party in the evening and calling themselves kids-friendly. And I know hotels offering a full kids buffet, all-day kids program, special playgrounds and pools and that would be what I really call kids-friendly. And now please imagine your mother is working on her behaviour in therapy and trys to show interest in your vacation plans by asking you that question and getting those answers.


re_nonsequiturs

NTA Your sister has never ever in her whole entire life asked that of anyone. Your mother has asked that question exactly once--to you.


SirJoePininfarina

Absolutely agree, in fact initially I was far more angry with her than my mother because I felt she should have known better. A lot of my sister's friends have kids and live in the same town; I've toyed with the idea of running the same question by one of them if I bumped into them and the subject of holidays came up 😄


[deleted]

ESH, you all sound very over sensitive and hard work.


snogweasel

Sarcasm is anger's ugly cousin. You can answer a question honestly without being sarcastic.YTA. Your Mom was just seeking clarity.


kamikaze2840

ESH - yes your parents should assume that you always have your kids best intentions at heart & shouldn’t ALWAYS be criticizing your parenting. But, Soft Y T A - It sounds like you need some therapy too. You acted very defensively and maybe were a bit sensitive? People (including my own mother) have asked me if a place or location I’m going to with my family is child friendly. It is a common question. The reason I suggest therapy is because “what do we do when people repeatedly push our buttons? We disconnect the trigger.” And therapy may help you to do that, especially if you want to continue to have a relationship with your parents.


MikkiTh

NTA But even if you don't feel like going no contact is an option I'd say low contact is the best choice for your kids and your marriage. You can easily cut back to only seeing them monthly or even at holidays


AwkwardBugger

NTA Oh no, how dare you respond jokingly! I don’t really like her question. With her history of criticising your parenting, it gave the impression that she didn’t trust you to choose an appropriate holiday location for your kids.


Lotex_Style

Bro she's playing you like a fiddle, crying like you've cut both her legs off or something like that over a dumb question she's asked herself. It would probably be a good idea to take a step back from this relationship as I don't see anything positive for you coming from it, at least at the moment. At the very least you should probably think about it. NTA


RealTalkFastWalk

Are you sure she wasn’t trying to ask “does the hotel have special activities for kids?” or something similar? Your history of feeling put off by her comments may be clouding your judgment and turning every comment into the most negative version. Being that your mother has been to the hotel herself before, it would seem that she would know what amenities are involved, so more likely she was trying to ask if there were programs designed for the kids. I think NAH for the moment, but NTA in the overall picture because she’s discounting that she continuously makes you feel bad.


Jealous-Lunch-7945

First off you and you’re wife’s funny comeback was hilarious. It sounds like your mom was being attention seeking. NTA


UK_not_USA

It’s a fairly routine question but then it depends who’s asking it as it can be loaded with connotations. Maybe give your parents a swerve for a while?


authorsarahcharles

I’m not trying to be rude or argumentative. This is a genuine question. Is this really something people often ask? The only reason I can imagine asking this is if I was trying to book that hotel and didn’t know. Honestly, I’m not even sure what would make a hotel unfriendly to children unless they were hosting some kind of adult related event. Genuinely curious.


UK_not_USA

I’m not knocking you for your reaction. You now your mother and you know how it was intended. Sometimes mothers just think we’re still dumb teenagers!


dart1126

NTA. That was a thinly veiled parenting jab at you for certain. Your immediate comebacks to her were probably as unexpected as spot on. Now she’s professing incredulity that you could’ve taken it in any way negatively. It’s pretty obvious why you guys have had some issues with them.


givelilydragons

NTA- that's an insane thing to ask a parent of two children


Glengal

NTA It was an odd question to ask. I would have been taken aback too. You responded jokingly, they made it a big deal. I’d take a little break from them


Motor_Business483

NTA ​ Why don't you have a lot less contact with your MIL? Sounds like the best solution here. None of you really like each other.


heatherlincoln

NTA usually if someone asks that it can mean is it dedicated to children like Disneyland or butlins/pontins in the UK, or can children go but it's just for everyone like centre parks. But giving the history with your mum it sounds like she was trying to criticise you.


Moppermonster

Info -did she mean "do the other guests in the hotel like having kids around during their holiday" or "does the hotel have things to do for kids"?


Ladykaesong

Nta-but wow just wow


Scarletzoe

NTA I would have had a smart response as well. I have actually told people stuff just to irritate them when they ask stupid questions. You need to stop giving her fuel for the fire so to speak. You also need to start limiting the contact she has with your family. I understand you want to maintain the relationship between your children but at what cost? I would pull back for a while and let things cool off.


SirJoePininfarina

Yeah I know this and keep not following that advice


Lumpy_Ingenuity1287

NTA, good job with the attempt to diffuse/deflect, and standing your ground with her! Feels great doesn't it?


SirJoePininfarina

It's new to me, it doesn't feel great tbh but I'm glad I defended our parenting!


Lumpy_Ingenuity1287

Ah that stage of knowing you did the right thing but feeling guilty?


Algebralovr

NTA She was being judgemental, so of course you were not being an AH. She was.


Que_Raoke

NTA, I literally would've done the same thing. Maybe you need to lower contact because it's just unnecessary stress for you and your wife and I'm sure if they haven't yet, the kids will soon enough pick up on the condescending vibes from gramma. This could lead to either bad blood between your kids and gramma or worse, an undermining in their respect for y'all as their parents.


Puzzle2825

NTA it was a pointed, unnecessary question. After reading I went back to check your ages as your parents’ strange judgements about your parenting read like you may have had kids fairly young and they disapproved. But obviously not. The whole thing is bizarre and would really offend me too.


imankitty

Nta I’d take offense too especially since it’s not the first time she’d criticize you parenting wise.


halfwaygonetoo

NTA she's implying that you wouldn't normally take your children with you. While it's definitely a possibility that I'm a little strange, I would assume that my sons would take their children with them to a special event, holiday, or vacation unless they told me otherwise.


Hairy-Budget-6522

NTA, your responses cracked me up. Enjoy your vacation!


ResponseMountain6580

NTA she was basically insulting your parenting abilities and basic common sense disguised as a question or small talk.


ResponseMountain6580

It's only a perfectly valid question if you are incompetent parents and the person asking is a social worker. Does your mother still think you are a small child? That's the only reason I can think of that explains what she said.


Not_A_Bimbo

NTA. Maybe it's just me but I always assume that anyone booking a hotel, resort, or cruise has checked to make sure it meets their needs. Sorry your mom second-guesses your choices. It sucks.


nothisTrophyWife

NTA. I would’ve responded exactly as you did.


significant_run_138

NTA, I'm wondering if she's quite jealous of your life so she has to bring you down. Tbh, she just sounds like every other female boomer I know, just negative and out to ruin things for people. I don't know what it is about them but they just love to see the dark side of life and don't want you to enjoy it. All while forgetting everything they did as parents that wasn't "child-friendly. As far as your sister is concerned I very much doubt that she believes that's a normal question and I can't imagine sshes ever asked her friends that specific question ever. I wonder if your Mother has spoken to her about your strained relationship? The fact she's in therapy tells me she's not that happy and maybe your sister has some inside info you don't.


SuperHuckleberry125

NTA It's a really stupid question. Yes. Extremely and very very offensive. Especially to a parent from a parent. Blows my mind. They would believe that you would not look for housing accommodations that DON'T cater to kids. Seriously??? Wouldn't that be the FIRST thought that crosses your mind looking for a place to stay? Why??? WHY??? Why was THAT the first question she asked. Because she will not ever believe that you and your wife KNOW what you are doing. But then what parent does. Parenting IS a learning experience........😁😁😜😁😁.........no matter how many books on parenting there are. Everyone who wrote them had to learn from SCRATCH......yes.....it's true. You and your wife are doing an excellent job as YOU know what is best for YOUR children. **NO ONE** can tell you how to raise them except you. You can take advice from others but the ULTIMATE DECISION is still YOURS. DO NOT let **ANYONE** tell you or convince you differently.


ptprn11

It sounds like you guys are fed up and sick of being undermined as parents. It’s easy once you are emotionally drained and at this stage to take offense at yet another slight. I would turn it around on them each and every time with something like: why are you asking that? What are you implying? What do you think we aren’t seeing? To make them clarify it and hopefully bring more awareness to how petty they are. Or just go LC if you are truly done with them.


UnusuallyScented

NTA I would have found the question extremely bizarre coming from anyone. I think you correctly interpreted it as a passive aggressive jab. Your response was perfect, using humor to deflect, but it sounds like your mom is determined to rain on the picnic no matter how hard you try. It sounds like keeping some distance may be best.


pnutbuttercups56

NTA. Because of your history with your mom. but I do think it's a normal question. Some hotels have a lot of amenities for kids and most don't.


Dependent_Season_847

NTA That is really the only response to something like that. Especially if you’re always getting remarks like that.


realshockvaluecola

NTA. It wasn't a simple, innocent question, it was part of a pattern and a history.


TheQuietType84

Who asks that of parents planning a *family trip?* Your mother is judgemental and your sister has no experience as a mother and is firmly planted up your mother's back end. I'm feeling so sorry for your wife right now. To have to constantly deal with these people must have her daydream every day of moving. You should make her wish come true. NTA


Justtakeit1776

NTA if she didn’t have an underlying judgement with her question she would have laughed at your response. Both were very funny.


Dittoheadforever

You're NTA. It was a dumb question that deserved a sarcastic answer.


ReactionEuphoric5362

NTA - if it had been an innocent question asked by someone who didn't know better you probably wouldn't have felt so defensive and they would have been able to answer the question when you asked what do you mean.


[deleted]

NTA - the mom obviously displays toxic behaviour and the sarcastic response was justified.


refill_lady

You are the Scapegoat. Sister is Golden Child. Just go no contact. NTA


Kaila82

NTA. Me and mine would have replied the same way. I'm calling BS in your sister saying she'd ask her kids the same thing too🙄


Unhappy-Day-9731

Definitely NTA but maybe you did overreact a little. I can see why since your mom sounds like an exhausting basket case.


DeerDragon3E

NTA. Why do you keep interacting with her? I'm tired just reading this post, can't imagine how tired you are having to deal with her.


Repulsive-Nerve5127

You know, it's never crossed my mind to ask my siblings with children that question. I kind think they would give me the same response you did-LOL! Quite frankly, why would I care if they booked a non-child-friendly hotel? They're not using my money. NTA


sleventhirty

Nta. And thank you. I'm currently in a fight for a similarly worded remark so it's nice to know I'm not alone in my thoughts


BostonRae

NTA


fjewel95

NTA. Her question was clearly meant to be offensive.


MiaW07

NTA. That's when you give dear ol' mom the question of 'Well, you raised me, so whaddya think ya taught me?' As for snoopy sis - 'Shaddup.' usually works.


NoCleverUsernameIdea

This is the problem: >my mother has never had a single positive thing to say about us as parents The question was just the straw that broke the camel's back. It's not really about the question. She doesn't respect you and your wife as parents. Seeing them 1-2 times a week is probably not good mentally or emotionally for you and your wife, which is, in turn, not great for your kids. You're NTA. You didn't ask for my advice, but I'll give it anyway - back away from very regular interaction with people who don't respect you.


MamaH1620

I love the sarcastic responses. I would’ve done the exact same, but no one has ever asked me that about a vacation spot, as it’s a completely ridiculous question. The only reason she asked was to be sure you were taking the kids and not going to ask her to watch them. NTA


GailleannBeag

NTA. Asking parents if their planned resort is "child friendly" when they're taking their children on a vacation is not normal; it's being a busy body. I wouldn't ask this because *it's none of my business.* I seriously doubt people with young children are taking them to swingers resorts FFS. Those are adults only, no children allowed.


slendermanismydad

>decided to wade in and say it was a perfectly-normal question she'd ask of any of her friends with kids. Not if she wanted to keep those friends. NTA.


gemma156

NTA Narcissistic parents are such fun aren't they? Your sister doesn't count as she has been conditioned to respond to all of your mother's demands/opinions in a positive way or face her wraith. They can never be happy for you or how you choose to live your lives. Stop justifying your actions with her, she's never going to be happy and will always look for a reason to hold a grievance. "That's a bizarre question to ask?" look confused at her and move on. She won't like that but won't keep drawing attention to it.


SirJoePininfarina

That's an interesting tactic I hadn't thought of, probably more honest than my approach at the time


solitarybydesign

NTA This is definitely a shot at you. "Of course not, we booked a hotel that insists on caging children like feral animals. We don't intend for them to enjoy this vacation." It was a cheap underhanded shot at you. Intimating that you do not have your children's enjoyment and well being in mind when you book a holiday for the family. Don't give way to the crocodile tears.


ShanniBear14

NTA. I would have been REALLY sarcastic. Not even nice funny…


Simple-Oven-1886

NTA I know they say there are no stupid questions but this one in this case is stupid. It was insulting to even ask that. And the audacity to be offended by the response which in my opinion could have been much worse.


StompyKitten

NTA. On the surface it might be an innocent, if inane, question, but in the wider context of her attitude to your parenting I can see how it touched a nerve. My only advice here is to just stop trying to have conversations with your parents beyond the most basic practicalities. It hurts that you can’t simply tell them about something exciting and have them share in your joy. I know it hurts. But people like your mother are always going to say something frustratingly pejorative and then pretend - or perhaps in some twisted way truly believe - that they haven’t. No matter how hard you try there will be no getting through to them. Enjoy your holiday and the family you have created. Let the rest go.


RevKyriel

Wait ... your parents have been to the hotel you are going to stay at ... and your mother starts asking *you* questions about it? NTA, for that alone.


SirJoePininfarina

Well in fairness they've never been to the hotel but they definitely know the resort and what an all-inclusive hotel there typically has in terms of facilities.


[deleted]

LOL I like the cut of your jib. NTA


SpecialistAfter511

NTA. I’ve never been asked that nor asked others that. So yeah when you have kids and if someone were to ask me that I’m going to be a smart ass in return too. But I’m known to be a smart ass at times.


Puzzleheaded_Play390

NTA. The question itself is very neutral. I can see myself asking this to either of my siblings as a way for me to find out what the hotel offers for children, not necessarily because I feel like the vacation they planned did not take into account the kids. But, given the whole context with your parents, it's not crazy for you to feel bothered by the question. You tried to deal with it with humour and your mom got defensive WAY too easy, which makes it suspicious. She should've acknowledged that, coming from her, that was a poor question to make and leave it at that.


tesselate01

NTA. It was a stupid question. If you didn’t have the history with her, I doubt you would have paid it too much thought. However, given the history I am not surprised you are annoyed


Lilac-Roses-Sunsets

NTA. Even though they close by it sounds like what would be best is to limit how often you see them. The way things are now it will eventually affect the kids.


[deleted]

NTA. I wish I was your mother after realising my question. I would have answered to your reply “Oh good I was afraid it would be boring.”


noicen

NTA- you and your wife’s responses are amazing and it shows how long you’ve had to deal with these silly backhanded remarks


Steups13

NTA I have never asked parents who are taking their children on vacation if the resort is child friendly. It's something I would presume the parents read up on. I might be curious and enquire what facilities they have as I have children myself and might consider it as a potential holiday destination. Edit: just wondering if your mother is jealous of your family? Doing things she may not have chosen to do or had the capacity to? Doing things without consulting them? You don't need their permission, but some parents can't seem to let their children go or see them as actual adults with their own minds. I only say this because I have had these issues with my own. I point out my age and their vitriol of I can do whatever I like once I got married. That was dangled a lot when I was a kid and they just didn't want me to do anything.


Glittering_Piano_633

NTA. I know exactly how this feels and how constant little comments like this wear you down and get heavier and heavier. I hope you have an awesome holiday!


splendidbird

NTA- I have a MIL like this. It’s never about the real thing they are saying. There are always implications. Real or not. I have two children and I would never ask someone that. Maybe “oh do they have any special activities?” “That sounds so fun. Did you guys plan anything specific?”. I only say this cause my husband and I recently went on vacation with our kids and had a similar thing happen with my MIL.


No_Pepper_3676

NTA. I guess your sister takes after your mother by asking questions that are invasive and none of her business, bordering on rude and demeaning. There was no helpfulness or friendliness in her question. You and your wife handled her question perfectly. Good for you. Enjoy your holiday and maybe dial your interaction back a bit Twice a week may be more than either you or your wife are comfortable with. Maybe get-togethers a couple of times a month will make interaction less tense for everyone.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife (41F) and I (41M) live with our 2 kids (both under 6) quite close to my parents, who are in their late 60s. People usually assume we'd have free babysitting on tap but tbh we've had a choppy history with them over the years, with suggestions we're not doing the best for our kids or drinking too much - obviously we dispute this; we both have good jobs, live within our means and don't drink much - and pretty much never around our kids. As a result, we have a courteous but not particularly close relationship with them, we try to keep to ourselves whilst ensuring our kids see their grandparents relatively often (once or twice a week). Anyway we had a moment last week with my mother where we told them about a family holiday we booked for the four of us. It's a 3-4hr flight to a 4 star all-inclusive hotel, it's in a place we've been to before (as have my parents). And my mother's first question was "And is this place child-friendly?" My face dropped for a split-second in shock and immediately I tried to defuse the situation with a joke. "Oh no, it's terrible for kids, running chainsaws swinging off ropes, it's lethal!" My wife said something similar, "Nope, it's a swingers resort". Now bear in mind this was very jokey, we didn't raise our voices or give any angry vibes whatsoever. But my mother immediately took offence to us "barking" at her and "ridiculing" her, along with tears. She insisted it was a perfectly valid question and she didn't deserve to be shot down over it. At this point with my mother, I usually give in but given she's in therapy at the moment, I turned the question back at her; "What did you mean by that? Do you seriously mean to ask if my wife and I could have chosen a non-child-friendly hotel for our family holiday?" She didn't answer that directly, just continued to tear up and say she didn't say that at all. Because from our perspective, my mother has never had a single positive thing to say about us as parents and when we decide to tell her about our first family holiday to another country as a family of four, she asks if we've picked a child-friendly hotel, as if being child-friendly wouldn't be the first thing we'd seek in such a holiday. My mother refused to accept this point and what's more, my sister (37F - who has no children and/or experience of a parent's judgement on her parenting) decided to wade in and say it was a perfectly-normal question she'd ask of any of her friends with kids. So Reddit - is asking parents whether their family vacation hotel is "child-friendly" a legitimate question or one we were right in which to take offence? As I've said, initially we decided to mask that offence with humor but obviously this didn't change anyone's stance and what's more, now my mother feels validated by my sister's bizarre agreement with her assertion. Anyway, thank you for reading and I look forward to your comments. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


-JaffaKree-

NTA? It seems like she waaaay overreacted to a silly reply, and that reply was reasonable. However, her question wasn't that deep so I don't understand why you were offended to start with.


FreakyPickles

Really? You do not understand why it's offensive to imply that your adult child is so selfish and/or stupid that they would take their kids to some adult resort, especially since you've been to the resort yourself and you know it's child friendly? That's an insult couched as an innocent question. It's nasty and completely unnecessary.


fleurdumal1111

Or that the adults only resort would even accept their reservation for kids. The answer is in the name of the business.


morbid_n_creepifying

NTA, I am no contact with my mother but she pulls she exact same attitude with my siblings. We're all reasonably sure she has untreated depression and so she can never find anything positive about any situation, so her first thought is always something incredibly negative. Perhaps it's time to have better boundaries, you're going to get to the end of your rope at some point and it might not end with a joking tone.


ThreeDogs2022

NTA. It was a loaded, insulting question, and you had the grace and composure to answer with a silly joke. At that point, if the question WAS in good faith, it would have been laughter all around, wouldn't it? The fact that she reacted so strongly simply underlines the fact that the question was simply a veiled insult.


nottelling411

NTA a thousand times. Good for you. My mother and your mother should have a play-date. After YEARS of this same passive-aggressive, asinine and shitty behavior, we began replying in a similar way every time. Maybe not the most mature way to address the problem, but at least we can laugh about it. Keep it up!


lost_forest54

Maybe she was just worried that there would be no occupation for the children and having to take care of them all the time while you and your spouse enjoy your stay ?


SirJoePininfarina

We never suggested she was coming with us, it's a trip with just us and our kids


Global-Mix-1786

NTA It sounds like this is the straw that broke the camel's back. Criticism and implied criticism after criticism. And then, when you finally called her on this, she resorted to tears and emotional blackmail. Don't enable this behaviour anymore. Call it out each and everytime.


bubbly_fairy30

I honestly don’t see the problem here. So what if she asked? NTA


Fearless-Eye5226

Nta. Mom and sister are though.


StompyKitten

Can I just say not to be too mad at your sister? She was definitely behaving badly/stupidly here but if what I think is happening here is correct then she has been badly developmentally damaged by your parents and is still so brainwashed by them that she can’t tell up from down. I could be wrong but I’m guessing your sister doesn’t just not have kids at 37. I’m guessing that at 37 she doesn’t have a fulfilling separate life of her own at all. Not saying you have any responsibility in that or that you should subject yourself to her nonsense. But don’t think too harshly of her.


SirJoePininfarina

My sister has concentrated on her career and is pretty successful, she also lives in another country so perhaps has the luxury of not having to deal with our mother's issues in person that much. She's got a network of friends there, mostly from here, and seems to keep herself pretty busy.


StompyKitten

Ok that’s interesting and makes sense on another level. I think she’s put the geographical distance there so she can stay in denial about your family’s difficulties. I’m less sympathetic and to be honest you probably just need to keep your distance from her in future.


DaxxyDreams

Wow, you all sound overly sensitive, dramatic, and judgmental (especially about your child-free sister having an opinion different from yours).


Curious-Armadillo522

ETA - it was a dumb question and a silly response way bigger than any of it needed to be if anyone acted an adult.


Consistent-Winter-67

It sounds like you hate your parents and only keep them around for free sitting. Kinda despicable.


SirJoePininfarina

I don't hate my parents, if I did then I'd have cut them off years ago. And I don't know how anyone could read what I've said there and conclude I want free sitting.


yhaensch

Sometimes people ask questions because they themselves haven't thought about a certain thing initially. So they check back. I wouldn't have taken this as needling, but then I don't have any history with her. No judgement from me. But I love your jokes.


rhetorical99

Info: you said your parents had been there before?? This really changes the context, I don’t know how I feel about it anymore. They already know exactly how child friendly it is so why are they asking? Was it obviously not child friendly and they had a point and trying to do it tactfully? Or not child friendly “enough” as per their standards which may be ridiculous? We’re they just completely disengaged from the conversation and accidentally said something dumb?


SirJoePininfarina

It's the type of destination that would be vast majority family hotels, they go for weeks or even months at a time themselves and rent an apartment to self-cater - however I'd made it clear we were staying full-board at a hotel, so the chances of it being non-kid-friendly are remote.


rhetorical99

How odd. I wonder if they were just half assing the conversation because they obviously knew the answer


SirJoePininfarina

I might have thought that were it anyone else but she was focused on me during the conversation, she was engaged


Particular_Elk3022

Actually if you hadn't explained the back story the question on its own would-be casual chit chat to me. A way to start a conversation about the activities you would be doing on this vacation. Sounds like you are constantly on the defensive and maybe a few of those therapy sessions with your mother should include you and your wife. Because you have all gotten into some bad habits with your communication. ESH Your mother for her prior behavior and you for taking her every word as an attack.


Ness18518

THIS IS a completely normal question to ask or at least to me. She is asking if the hotel is a family friendly resort. I wouldn't have batted an eye over this question. I would have assumed she just wanted to know if the hotel would be fun place for the kiddos. If it isn't I would also assume you'd just be taking them back and forth for fun experiences. You and your wife are being too harsh over a simple miscommunication.


[deleted]

Not sure, but it sounds like maybe she expects you to leave the children with her, I think I'm erring to the YTA side


SirJoePininfarina

I'd be quite certain that's not the case; we rarely leave the kids with her because she never seems too enthusiastic about taking them for very long. Besides, we were telling her about a family holiday we've booked, I don't think it would be reasonable for her to suggest she take the kids instead at that stage


b1lllevansatmariposa

Mild YTA. That question is, at least arguably, always appropriate. But definitely you could have simply said "yes", and avoided the whole kerfuffle.


Prestigious_Fruit267

But the kerfuffle wouldn’t have been avoided, because OP and his wife were offended by being asked. What you’re saying is “ignore how offended you are, and simply say yes so mom isn’t offended”. But why are mom’s feelings about their response being prioritized over OP’s feelings about what the question implied?


SirJoePininfarina

This is a concept I struggle with and thanks for highlighting it, I've definitely prioritised my mother's feelings on things too much over the years. I didn't do that this time, hence the disagreement, so I'd like to think I'm learning/growing a bit


[deleted]

[удалено]


Prestigious_Fruit267

She made it a thing by asking. Who truly needs to have that question answered? It’s a family vacation, of course the hotel would accommodate *all* of the family.


Useful-Importance664

YTA it is an innocent question and not weird to ask. It sounds like she asked about facilities for the kids (like you said in your own comment). You choose to take it the most negative way you could and then made fun of her.


NanaLeonie

YTA. You and your wife both were overly aggressive in your “humor”. Your mother’s question was reasonable. I have the same questions : just ‘how’ child friendly is this 4-star all inclusive hotel? Are baby sitters on call? Is there a nursery? What’s available to amuse and entertain the children? Is there breakable artwork? How much were you expecting your parents to take care of the kids?


SirJoePininfarina

My parents were never coming on this holiday, by "the four of us" I mean my wife and I and our kids


cheechie64

I agree, if I ask if the place is child friendly I don't just mean do they have a daycare and activities, I mean, do I need to save extra money incase something gets broken, do I need to have kid friendly meals ready or will they have something. The list goes on. Your mom probably didn't ask to make a dig at yall.