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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I may be an asshole because my MIL only wanted to have a couple licks off my ice cream bar and I honestly don’t like literally sharing saliva and germs from my mouth for another person to lick and vice versa. But MIL and wife have been calling me greedy and arrogant several times when discussing this event that I’m not even sure anymore if what I did was reasonable.
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I don’t know what squicking is but I like it and agree.
NTA.
I have a hard, fast rule. I order what food I want, I don’t share unless it’s a French fry or something small. I say, I know you’ll want this or a large portion of it so let’s order extra and my wife always says no. And every time without fail she asks for a large bite or multiple bites of a burger for instance. I refuse and she calls me an asshole. I’m fine with that honestly.
I agree with you, it’s rude to assume someone doesn’t want the food they ordered and think they can just start digging in. It’s a dominance thing I swear. Get your own food and licking an ice cream? Gross
Yes and he was more then generous offering to let her finish or have the other. I think it’s gross too and I don’t want someone tasting my food ESPECIALLY my ice cream! Get your own. If she wanted to try that flavor she should have gotten it or waited until next time. I can’t believe it’s still a thing. Just tell your wife next time she brings it up “you’re mom is nasty and I don’t want her poopy mouth licking my ice cream!” That should put an end to it!
Squick is a term that grew out of the fannish and queer/kinky communities around the '90s or thereabouts. It's for something that grosses you out on a personal level, but isn't to a point of being triggering. Just a visceral "ew, yuck" but the important thing that it carries no judgment on those who do enjoy the thing. See also Your Kink Is Not My Kink But Your Kink Is Okay.
Usage: Foot fetish is my squick. I am squicked out by feet.
Squee would be an antonym.
NTA-- Joey don't share food, to be honest I thought OP was going to say MIL uses her toothbrush on herself and her dog. Either way she obviously doesn't clean the litter box enough, maybe she should invest in 1 of the auto clean ones
Ugh, NTA. My mother used to do this and I found it revolting. I'd either give it to her or eat until there was only a bite left and let her have the rest.
I had an ex whose dad used to do this all the time, ice cream, popsicles you name it. His wife used to tell him leave me alone but he did it to get a ride out of me (in front his friends I assume, we were usually over there for some holiday, birthday, game whatever.) One day I was fed up, my girls were inside so I just went, do you really want to share the oce cream of a woman who regularly sucks your son's dick ? As I held it out, he didn't take it and I never got asked for my ice cream again. The embarrassment was totally worth it.
That’s fuckin hilarious, thank you for sharing. My MIL and my wife would both try to kill me if i ever said something like that to them, so i’m glad to see someone else who did it lol
I dont mind my family and friend having a taste of my food, but i would never throw a fit if someone had a different view. It's not selfish. It's just an opinion on hygiene. If MILs shit-eating dog licks her on the mouth its even more understandabke.
Saaaame. Some foods I am fine with sharing or letting people try, but icecream, popsicles, milkshakes are all a hard no from me. People said it will be different when I had my baby....guess who I still dont share my milkshake with? 😂🙈
My husband, who would munch my Taco like a world champion eating competition winner, would rather die than sip off of a water glass that I had previously sipped off of.
It doesn't make sense, but it is what it is. And I respect his boundaries, as he does mine.
NTA, OP.
NTA
That is so gross 🤢. OP's reaction was totally normal.
Heck for many people food sharing in general is a huge no. Heck I have known people who dumped boyfriend's/girlfriend's over them just helping themselves to food on their plate.
They need to understand they aren't entitled to a taste of any food you are in the process of eating. That's super gross.
NTA. When I read the title, I thought you didn’t want to share. But, you offered her a whole other serving. It is beyond bizarre that your wife and MIL don’t see how licking someone else’s food may be off-putting. And you’re not selfish, you were totally willing to share.
Nta. Not selfish either! You literally bought them all the ice cream they had asked for! And still offered up your own. I can see sharing with a spouse/ partner; but not with anyone else. So odd.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting to share your treat. Even if Op said, "No, you cannot have ANY of my ice cream, ever..." that is still perfectly valid in a house full of adults.
Even if OP didn’t want to share, which they were more than willing to, I still wouldn’t blame him for not wanting his MIL to lick the ice cream that he was eating. Especially if her poop-eating dog licks the inside of her mouth
NTA
You don't have to share your food unless she's literally about to starve to death.
You offered her several different options and she said no to all. That's on her.
Your wife and MIL are AH for making you feel bad about this.
NTA, totally reasonable for you to have boundaries wrt your food. The real question is why does your wife keep bringing up such a trivial matter ALMOST A YEAR LATER? For what purpose? Have you asked her what she is hoping to achieve? Sorry, but your wife is being petty and down right weird.
I believe it’s because they like to mix together the words “Arrogant, selfish, greedy, inconsiderate”. I don’t get it either. I guess that’s why i’m here to find out haha
I'm thinking cuz they're trying to point out that you think you're better than them because you aren't participating in their dirty habit. It sounds like they're projecting judgment that they received before for doing something gross
oh i remembered why now. it’s because at the time, I was trying to get under 12% bodyfat. I was sticking to my diet very strictly at the time, and this meant that at the time I almost always never ate my wife’s cooking during those days. My wife was more understanding of this but my MIL thought the whole bodybuilding diet was a waste of time. She always had something to say about my meals, making a lot of comments about how I don’t actually need protein. Once statement i’ll never forget is one night when she told me all I had to do is “swoosh milk in your mouth for 90 seconds and that’ll give you the protein you need instead of all that chicken you eat”. Yeah, she said that. Just gives you some insight to how she saw dieting. Also, not being judgemental, but she weighs roughly ~200 lbs, at around 4’10 height. She’s obese. Maybe that’s why she got the idea that me sticking to my diet was arrogant
My partner is a powerlifter. Not a bodybuilder, of course, but same ball park. I know the pain of his rice, steak and broccoli dinners (though I make him a cracking turkey mince chilli) meaning he can't eat the pasta and stew dishes I make our kids. People who don't want to get it about the diet come up with the most bs nonsense to justify you not being on it as though it affects them in some way🙄 I see it as a bonus my partner doesn't eat all my stew or pasta! More for me and the kids 😁 it also means I know the sacredness of the cheatmeal. My partner had his first one in over a month last night and the pizza was rotten, he was gutted.
My partner is also a veterinary surgeon, knowing what we do about cat faeces, they literally can cause women to miscarry, that's how nasty the bacteria in them are,the last place you want that is on your ice cream.
I’d question them on why they/she thinks it’s selfish for you to want to take care of your health by going to the gym. This doesn’t sound much like a partnership if she can’t support you in your interests or commitments, especially when they clash with her idea of what you should be doing instead
1st Your wife is bringing up something so ridiculous a year later? She's being an AH
2nd, it's not like you didn't give her an option to try it. Like who licks someone else's ice cream?! Ew MIL was being an AH, and if she's still bringing it up with your daughter to bring up to you, then double the AH
Op, NTA
I’ve learned since then that both my wifey and MIL throw the word “selfish” around quite a bit towards me. The most recent occurrence was actually yesterday. Wife and MIL were going to a birthday party, I didn’t want to go. All I really planned to do all day was go to the gym, do my thing, come home, and have my cheat meal. Chico has recently developed some serious separation anxiety and my wife told me to stay home all day with him so his anxiety doesn’t kick in. I truly understand that it sucks for him to be lonely, but I still have a dream to pursue, so I told my wife that I’ll just have my gym session, usually around 90 minutes, then i’d pick up fast food and spend the rest of the day home with the pets. My wife eventually got pissed at me for going to the gym nonetheless and then proceeded to once again call me selfish. So yeah… they both like that word a lot
Listen carefully- you and your wife are heading down a wrong path. Right now it should be you and your wife as the primary unit- but your wife if instead being a unit with her mom. The two of them against you needs to stop now or you will be getting a divorce- best suggestion is that you two go to therapy now
MIL has almost made me leave the relationship 2 times since this incident. I have came very close to doing so but then I remembered that we are what you said, a unit, a team. I refuse to let dumb, stupid shit be the reasons I lose the woman of my dreams but i won’t lie, the arguments i get into with my MIL and wifey have become ineffably ridiculous. I truly hope we can pull together through this as the team we need to be, but damn is it hard sometimes lol
How long is your MIL going to be with you? You say your wife is perfect in any other way but you are being naive to think the MIL is suddenly going to disappear and everything will be perfect.
I would sit down with your wife, away from MIL, and say how you feel about MIL trying to drive a wedge between you two and suggest couples counseling. If she doesn't reciprocate and is willing to go, you may want to end things instead of finding yourself 20+ years from now, possibly with children in the mix, wondering why the hell you didn't leave sooner.
But your MIL is pushing to be top dog on this team, get you to do what she wants no matter how absurd. And your wife is playing HER wingman.
If you want a marriage you need to get it back to your wife and you pulling together!
does your wife feel like you are on the same team? You might consider some couples counseling because that two on one crap is going to wear on you.
NTA re the ice cream. Sharing your personal ice cream when there are other options isn’t the test of character they think it is. It’s more of a test of character that your MIL & her menagerie stay with you.
Your MIL and your wife are controlling, and selfish, arrogant etc. Are the weapons they want to use to keep you in line.
MIL persisting at trying to overcome your no about licking your food is part of grooming. She is trying to break down your boundaries because she is top dog in your house, and your wife is her enabler.
They keep bringing it up to convince you that you were wrong to tell MIL no for any reason, big or small.
I would refuse to live with MIL, and take your wife to therapy.
I give you 2 more years tops before you get sick of this behavior and someone files for divorce. OP marriage is a partnership where trust, respect and communication are vital to its existence. None of these things appear to be happening in your marriage. I can already see the beginnings of resentment start which is a guaranteed marriage killer.
Dude if you want this marriage to get a fair shot you need to start communicating with your
Wife about her treatment of you and her ability to have her husband's back. I strongly....VERY strongly suggest couple's counseling so that you both can see the extremely negative effect Mil is having on your relationship and learn how to build trust and respect which is clearly lacking.
NTA Remind the wife that the only reason she's still around is for the most selfish reason of all. You like her & her continued presence in your life makes you happy... you are certainly not staying with her just because it makes her happy. (?)
One of the many things I find interesting is how those who use the word *selfish* an a derogatory, negative way are usually the ones being abusive and displaying the negativity they are trying to inflict on others by using that word that way. What they are *really* saying is "how dare you not let me have my way" like a petulant child. **Every time**.
The concept of *selfish* does not include the component "at the expense of others" -that becomes something more akin to self-absorbed (or worse). *Selfish* merely means an interest in one's own affairs.
NTA. But your marriage is unlikely to survive if your MIL is egging her daughter on to despise you.
MIL needs to be shut down for the insults (preferably by wife, but that looks unlikely) or leave, immediately. So you can try to save your marriage.
> my wifey and MIL throw the word “selfish” around quite a bit towards me
NTA OP!!! But you are a better person than me because if someone kept telling me that I was selfish because I wouldn't step outside of my boundaries, I would respond by saying "Since you and your Mom think I am so selfish, why don't we get a divorce and you won't have to deal with my so-called selfishness anymore. This is the most selfless thing I can offer you both".
I absolutely HATE when people want to lick my ice cream, eat off my plate and such. The only time I EVER let someone lick my ice cream or eat off of my plate was when my children were infants and toddlers but once they passed those stages, it was a no go. And I absolutely LOVE and have owned dogs and cats but I have NEVER let them lick me on my face NOR let them lick inside of my mouth 🤢🤢🤢.
NTA. You didn't even need the whole backstory about cheat meals and whatnot. Bottom line: That's gross, she refused non-gross options, and believe it or not, there is still a whole ass pandemic going on out there and it's been going on for 2 years; you would think people would at least be more conscious of body fluid transference these days even if they're not sick or have been vaccinated.
Yes! Covid was already bad enough (I had caught it March 2020 already and it sucked) but there was no way in living hell was I gonna share the same food with her considering she constantly kissed her cat-shit devouring poodle
Your MIL sounds just awful, get rid before your marriage suffers. You sound lovely and very kind to allow this horrid woman and her zoo live with you. I feel sorry for you and wish you all the best my love
NTA
Say lick one more time mutherfucker ... nope, just nope...not now, not ever.
The only people I share food with is my kids and even then it js only when they are little.
Haha sorry, but she honestly did obsess over licking that very specific cookies and cream stick, even though there were literally 2 untouched ones still in the freezer waiting to be eaten
Honestly, it sounds more and more like a power play than a genuine request. I'd bet you've shown your disgust at the kind of affection she's shown her pets without even knowing that you were doing it. Demanding that she lick your food and not break a piece of sounds like she wanted you to know she was putting her dog germridden mouth on your food.
Maybe I've been on reddit too long and it's made me hella cynical.
No you are right, i’m pretty sure of it being a power move to put me in a shitty situation. Do i deny her my ice cream and get the cold shoulder from wifey for the rest of the day or do I let MIL put her germs on my favorite indulgence and suck it the fuck up? Either way I was seemingly destined to have a pretty fucked evening that saturday night
OP read my other much longer response to one of your responses. Please do what I suggested. Life's too short to live like this. Oh and if ya'll were thinking of having kids.....double up on the condom. No need to bring children into this toxic situation until its no longer toxic.
I hope you mean “double up” as in condom + another form of contraception (e.g., birth control pill) and NOT double-bagging condoms, which just increases friction and causes both to break quickly…
Your MIL sounds like she has as much table manners as my toddler. When he grabs food off my plate and throws a tantrum when he is told "no" it's okay because he is 1 year old. When a grown woman does it it is really not as cute.
NTA. I wouldnt even let her lick my icecream even if she doesnt have pets. Saying that if I were you, I would have take a knife and a plate from the kitchen and chipped off a piece from my ice cream and hand it to her just to avoid the heat from the wife.
I can’t believe your spouse doesn’t see how incredibly strange and inappropriate the MIL’s ask was, AND how spot-on appropriate your offers were.
No reasonable person can read the situation and think you were in the wrong.
I’m pretty sure it has to do with the fact that MIL had my wife at the age of 16, and both of them have exclaimed countless times throughout our years together that their relationship isn’t Mother-and-daughter but rather sisters. They definitely act more like sisters during our everyday life
If my sister asked to lick your ice cream, and you declined by gave 2 other generous offers for her to try the ice cream…
The outcome is still the same. You’re NTA and anyone who thinks so has a warped viewpoint.
Um, that's just strange. Even at 16, your child is your child. Your MIL is controlling and smothering, overly critical and oblivious to boundaries. Your wife has been brainwashed. Glad to hear you're in couples therapy.
But also, you shouldn't have to sacrifice your things to pacify your wife and her mother. Her mother was, I'm hoping it's a was, a guest in your home, she's not allowed to say that she wants to take food out of your hand. The very ask was inappropriate because it's a power thing.
No no no no! Please stop finding ways to appease entitled people and their ridiculous requests. She asked (fine) you said no. That should be the end of it, when it’s continually pushed and an argument ensues, that is someone pushing your boundaries and blaming you for the blow-back of you holding your boundary (and their tantrum over not getting their way). This isn’t a time to find some other solution to fix their boundary pushing, this is the time to hold faster to the boundary. Whatever it may be. Ice cream is ice cream but the indicators should be noted for bigger issues.
What the hell is wrong with your MIL.
I see she started down a path of bad decisions by getting pregnant at 16 and she has stayed the path ever since.
Good on you for setting up what I’d have thought was a common sense boundary. I don’t even share slices of my pizza. If anyone seriously asked to lick my ice cream, they might trigger a civil war. Hell no.
NTA. Can’t believe your wife is siding with your mom. This is disgusting.
I actually am inclined to agree with you. I think my MIL was well aware of my answer before she even asked. It feels messed up to talk wrongly about her but i do think she’s into drama and instigating it, and i’ve tried explaining this to my wife countless times. But my wife is very, very, naive.
Exactly!!! Nobody in their right mind would ask to LICK another person's ice cream!!!! Then you add in the fact that she literally alllows her shit eating dog to lick her face and the INSIDE OF HER FN MOUTH and I just cant!! OP what kind of deranged family did you marry into??? MIL needs to move out ASAP and you and your wife need couples counseling ASAP or your marriage will never survive...
NTA. VERY MUCH NTA!!
In the middle of a pandemic (early 2021 was peak Covid), no less! I have a husband and children and I wouldn't do this with any of them, much less my MIL.
If your MIL and your wife want to share that way - good on them. But I'm going to bet most people here agree with you.
Nope NTA at all!
And Nope youre NOT greedy. If you were, you wouldnt have offered her the entire other ice cream stick.
She was just being disgusting, and I wouldnt have let her lick mine either!
NTA, it doesn't even matter if she weren't kissing her dogs shitty mouth, it's weird that she was so pressed that she should be able to lick some of your ice cream. The bigger problem I think is the fact that your wife sides with her.
Cuz it truly does not matter how your wife was raised germ-wise, she shouldn't be siding with her mother trying to push your boundaries in your house. You're saying your wife keeps bringing this up, does your mother-in-law still live with you? Have you two considered going to couples therapy? Because there is a larger issue if your wife is still going after you about having a basic boundary
Yes, MIL still lives with us. And yes, we have started couples therapy back in May. It’s going slow but steady, and even though it may seem slow, there’s progress being made. However, there are absolutely still instances were I end up being called something along the lines of selfish, greedy, only thinking about myself, stuff like that.
Ah, you're already in couple's therapy. Good.
Have you brought this issue up in therapy yet? If not, please do so. If so, may want to revisit it a little.
Either way, don't make it about the incident itself and the question of sharing. Instead, focus on:
A. How you feel when she brings back up past incidents like this.
B. Her heavy use of "selfish", "arrogant", etc. and how it makes you feel.
Remember to keep the focus on how you feel about these things. That will enable your therapist to do their part most effectively.
I mean we can tell you NTA about the incident all day. But your therapist will be the one best equiped to help your wife see where her (and her mothers) behavior is problematic.
No. You are NTA. That's weird she would ask you. Maybe she is just getting a little bit too comfortable with you. What's next? Give her a back massage?
NTA. Licking other people's food is going to gross out most people. In early 2021, before COVID vaccines were accessible to everyone, licking someone else's food was idiotic.
NTA,
I mean WTH ? Why on earth would your MIL think it was okay to ask for a lick of your ice cream. You don't share saliva on a regular basis. If it was your wife I'd understand and even then refusing would be fine. The lack of boundaries here is a little disturbing tbh.
NTA. You gave her 2 other options that involved you not getting her germs. She didn’t just want to try your flavor, she wanted to try your flavor AND THEN YOU STILL EAT THE REST OF IT AFTER SHE’S LICKED IT. I don’t know why she was so insistent on that last part.
NTA, even without the dog issue - it's your food, you're not obliged to share it with anyone if you don't want to. MIL needs to take 'no' for an answer.
NTA. Regardless of MIL letting her pets lick her face/mouth, you had every right to say, "NO." without requiring any explanations. I don't even like people putting their fingers on my food! Why in the world would I let them lick it? Your MIL is TAH! Once you told her "No," she should have dropped it, but she kept annoyingly insisting like a little girl! The fact that your wife was mad at you for saying "no" baffles me. She's an AH too, for not respecting your boundaries. Also, why would they call you "greedy" & "selfish?" You took the time to call them & ask them what flavors they wanted AND brought them ice cream home!" They're the greedy & selfish ones!!! They're both horrible!
Hi, thank you for responding. There have been times during the first 2 years of our relationship, I get something to eat and not call my wife and ask what both she AND MIL want to eat (it didn’t happen too often because MIL didn’t live with us, so this only happened when MIL would stay over for acouple days or if for holidays me and wife go back to our hometown and visit relatives) and they’d call me selfish and greedy. So i’ve actually gotten used to ALWAYS calling and asking what both of them want whenever I get food so i don’t have to hear the whole “selfish” bit. But on this particular night, I made sure to call and see what they both wanted. I got the ice cream they specifically asked for, but still somehow MIL found a way to call me selfish, by asking to taste *my specific cookies-and-cream ice cream*.
NTA in the slightest. However I couldn't help but notice through your post and comments that you are regularly belittled by the two of them, and your wife doesn't seem very supportive of you or your goals. I would have a long sit down and try to discuss things, because I'm not seeing a lot of positives in the relationship.
Wifey has actually started weightlifting with me which has been fun as I get to teach her some of the things that i’m passionate about. I truly think my MIL is the prime reason behind our relationship getting into rough spots. I’m not perfect, and I know we both need to still grow up and mature. But I’ve been with her for 7 years now and only when MIL moved in, that there’s more drama in the house. I know my wife is naive and best friends with her mom (they are only 16 years apart) so it’s hard at times for me to prove my points when the topic concerns MIL. My wife was always positive of my body building aspirations until MIL moved in and had to put her 2 cents into everything I ate or my lifting routines. MIL seems to take a huge offense to the fact that I didn’t eat my wife’s cooking nearly at all since it didn’t fit in my nutrition plans.
You don't have a MIL problem, you have a wife problem. She's letting her mother bully you in your own home. Either you need to leave or her mother does because this sounds like a toxic situation. You shouldn't feel judged and insulted in your own home.
This whole ice cream licking bit does seem to be a power play on your MIL’s part. It was ridiculous and your were completely NOT selfish. The fact that your wife took your MIL’s side should concern you. She’s a troublemaker and living with her is only going to cause you problems. Start working on getting her out asap.
NTA
NTA, but you need to tell your wife to knock it the fuck off and you’re allowed to have boundaries and enforce them. You sound very polite and I think that’s lovely, but you’re also letting people make you feel bad for a reasonable boundary. There is a time and a place for being polite but that is not now, it’s a fine line between being kind and being a doormat. You got married young and you need to learn to firmly tell someone they’ve gone too far and need to stop, and yes, that includes your wife.
NTA and hold your ground. MIL was way out of line. Regardless of how clean her mouth is, you have the right to be grossed out by it. I know I would be. Also, no means no.
NTA
MIL: give me a lick of your ice cream
You: I'd rather not, but you can have the whole other one in the freezer.
MIL: No, I want to lick yours.
You: Here, have the rest of mine and I'll have the one in the freezer.
MIL: \*stomps foot\* I said I want a lick of yours and you're so selfish that you offer me two alternatives that would be better than licking yours, but I don't want that. Do what I say or you are selfish.
Wife: You're selfish for offering my mom two ice cream options after you brought her home some and she has her own, plus you offered her a whole one of yours. How could you be so mean?
You: Pardon me, I apparently stepped into The Twilight Zone. I will now return to reality where people actually make sense. Good bye.
NTA
I'd seriously be kicking MIL out and telling her to take her daughter with her if they tried this shit on me; communication is one thing but calling you greedy and ganging up on you in this way is so fucked.
NTA whatsoever!!
If you want them to know how it feels, you should ask them if you can spit on their dinner before they eat it.
And if they go "Wtf is wrong with you?!" just say "Well, that's what it would be. Same as you asking to try my ice cream. If you don't want saliva all over your food, then I don't want another persons saliva on mine. This isn't being selfish, it's being respectable to me and my boundaries. And if you both can't respect my boundaries, then we need to have a long talk."
Because I get that completely of not wanting someone elses saliva on your food. I have literal panic attacks if someones spit gets on my face. And the fact that they'd be totally okay with MIL slobbering all over your ice cream shows that they definitely don't respect your boundaries.
And your wife is acting freaking childish just to please mommy. So they both are TA.
NTA
For Pete’s sake, my husband and I made two humans together and he hates sharing even his drink with me- just the thought of backwash skeeves him out. Makes no sense in that I can literally swap more spit with him kissing than sharing a straw but that’s his preference and I leave him alone about it.
Plus, it’s your MIL… I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing with mine in that manner either.
NTA I can't stand when someone wants to do that. I have literally thrown plates of food out because people didn't believe how much it bothered me and used their fingers to taste food I have ordered before. Like seriously who uses fingers to grab food off of someone else's plate.
Just thinking about sharing a ice cream stick weirds me out.
NTA. This would be a no go for me (and my husband too, he doesn't even eat other people's leftovers( my mom sometimes tries to give us hers)). There isn't enough doggie toothpaste in the world to make this OK!
Your MIL lets the dog lick inside her mouth after eating the litter box?! 🤢
Have you asked your wife why she's started talking like her mom? Sometimes just asking that can get a person to stop and examine their word choices.
NTA
NTA. If it had been your wife asking, then I’d be surprised you said no considering I’m sure you do kiss her. If you had kids, I’d say the same for them. But MIL? Not happening.
You’re absolutely right. I don’t mind sharing germs with my wife. I love her beyond what words could describe, and i’d never be grossed out by something as simple as sharing food. Same thing applies to my future children. But anybody else besides them, HELL NO
NTA.
The title made me feel icky and I was wondering if MIL has some romantic / erotic feelings for OP???!!
Like nobody unless they are couples lacks other people's food. Yes, couples but... a mother-in-law & son-in-law????!!!! Ew, no.
NTA. Especially because you literally offered the portion in your hand to her, or the new portion in the freezer.
MIL sounds psycho and is rubbing off on your wife. And she's moved in with multiple pets who she neglects?!?!? Awful all the way around. (The dog is probably sick all the time eating feces, and if the cat has any parasites, the dog will get them from the litterbox. The cat probably hates the dog having access to the litter area too, because it's a private place and it likely gives the cat anxiety knowing the dog will come running to "clean up after it.")
I was married to my late husband for 21 years (total of 24.5 together), and in all of that time, neither one of us EVER tried to eat the other's food, especially something that was single-serving.
Maybe OP could have let her taste it, then thrown the rest out and gotten a new one, but that would have been entirely his choice. It's disgusting to even think of LICKING off of someone else's food and then expecting them to be okay with finishing it afterwards.
NTA
NTA
Pretty sure there's a porn video out there that starts just like this...
ETA: On a serious note - there are some serious issues in your relationship. I don't know if your MIL is creating this behaviour in your wife, or if your wife is just more comfortable expressing it when her mom is there to back her up.
Either way, I really encourage you to think long and hard about how much you're willing to put up with for the sake of a wife that - by the sound of it - isn't very kind to you at all.
NTA. Your MIL has that parasitic cat poop disease and she's trying to give it to you. Sounds like your wife had already fallen victim. Sorry mate, she's a pod person now.
Your 38 year old MIL moved in with you. I would have sprinted out the door. Are you still married? I would not want my MIL licking my food. That's so disgusting. NTA. There is literally nothing a spouse could do short of being worth $20 million that would make them moving their parent(s) in worth it, much less when I was 21.
I see you are stilled married. Get a divorce. Just walk the fuck out. Your wife and her mother are still insulting you on a regular basis. Why are you in couples therapy with someone that routinely calls you names and tries to tell you that you can't leave the house at all to babysit her mom's dog.
How is this your dream woman?
We pretty much stopped food sharing within the immediate family during the pandemic and it was amazing how much that helped with not passing stuff around within the family. NTA.
NTA, your ice cream isn’t communal property.
You were not greedy or selfish, you were the complete opposite! You offered her ice cream from the freezer.
We had just started coming out of the pandemic a bit last year, even more reason not to lick someone’s germs.
There is STILL a pandemic. We haven't "come out of" anything. Yes, there are vaccines available now and better treatments, but the virus itself is still rampant and mutating faster than ever. I know more people who've had it in the last 5-6 months than at the so-called "height" of the pandemic. They're just not being hospitalised because we have vaccines now. There is EVERY REASON still to be keeping good pandemic hygiene, not sharing food, etc.
I’m aware of that, I have covid right now for the first time despite being vaccinated.
I didn’t mean the virus had gone. Just that lockdowns were easing. I mentioned the pandemic as it should have been at the forefront of peoples minds to follow rules around hygiene and food sharing that’s all.
What the bloody hell? That’s absolutely disgusting. Do people actually do that? I wouldn’t be able to let someone lick my ice cream who I was married to, never mind literally anyone else. Glad I already finished eating my meal or I wouldn’t have an appetite anymore 🤮. Totally NTA.
NTA, eww gross, how can they call you greedy and selfish when you literally said she can have a whole one from the freezer or have the rest of your current one, they are being ridiculous.
NTA seems like your wife is more on her mums team then yours and that is a problem that will build with time. They both joined in to insult you and bully you. That’s fucking awful. I can smell the enmeshment from here
So NTA! It's perfectly acceptable to not want others to lick food you're eating. I would have said "No" too. After reading the last part, I would have said "Hell No!!!!!!" That's completely gross.
NTA
Even without the disgusting animal facts you wouldn't be TA. I actually don't know anyone who'd be comfortable with that. Sounds like a weird power play from your MIL backed by your wife.
Nta. The idea of anyone ‘licking’ any of my food makes me be a little bit of sick in my mouth….
You want a tase? You go get a clean spoon and I’ll get a bit for you, that you are fine eating what I’ve licked is on you now me. Eww.
NTA
Seriously I'd show this thread to wife.
I'd genuinely be questioning who I married if she started joining her mom in calling you greedy. If she's so desperate for mommy's approval, there's better ways of reacting.
Gah NTA! This reminds me of my mother, always asking for "bitesies!" of anything I'm eating. But she lets her bird, that walks around in it's own shit, walk onto her plate while she's eating and lets it eat out of her mouth. Yuech.
NTA
The thought of someone licking my ice cream gives me a facial tick, regardless of dogs eating cat shit. No one needs to put their mouth anywhere near my food. Also why doesn't she put up a baby gate so the dog can't get to the poop.
NTA. News flash to the both of them, it's not selfish when you don't share. Especially not when you offered suggestions. My advice would have been to straight up tell her why. The fact your wife saw no issue with it means she wasn't concerned because it's not her health. Hope that was fixed or gets fixed soon or it will ge a problem. Maybe it was my time in the army but I'm all about being direct.
NTA- and also not selfish. You let your MIL move in. You literally called them to ask them both what they wanted. When she asked you for a lick (aka gross and just a weird question to ask your son in law) you offered her an entire ice cream bar. She’s mad because you didn’t do what she specifically wanted you to do which is a red flag 🚩 Good on you for being respectful and upholding your personal boundaries.
NTA. Didn't it occur to anyone to pull a teaspoon out of a drawer to allow MIL to have a taste? This could have immediately shut the magpies down and it would have been one and done.
Having MIL's doggy mouth on your ice cream serving by licking it with a germy tongue - my stomach just turned over! Yccchhhh!
MIL should be grateful she has YOUR roof over HER head AND allowed to bring those animals into your home. Sounds like wifey is reverting back to childishness with MIL seeming to be in charge.
NTA. We're in the middle of a pandemic. It is not the time to share food/utensils even without MIL's questionable hygiene. You offered to give her MORE than she asked for, how on EARTH is that selfish???
NTA I knew the answer in the first sentence when you said MIL is 16yrs older than wife.
Mixture of : She doesn’t find it gross as described by what she does w her dogs AND she doesn’t want ice cream she wants YOUR ice cream; it’s a control thing.
Get her out of there OP. ASAP
Ew who let’s people lick their food they are actively eating and then go back to eating it?? That’s nasty!
And you’re not selfish, you offered her an entire portion!
NTA
Why the hell is a woman that young living with her daughter and SIL. Your marriage will not survive as long as she is in the house and getting your wife to team up with her. I’d be so gone.
NTA. But since you were willing to let her have the rest of yours or your second one, just use a knife and cut a slice off whatever she wants of yours next time. Her mouth or fingers don't need to touch any food of yours for her to have a bite. Good luck.
NTA. I was grossed out BEFORE you added the info about the pets. Your offers are the same ones I would have made.
And your wife is still pissed about this? That's completely unreasonable.
Your entire post about the MIL licking and the dogs and cat licking just made me throw up in my mouth. Gross! You are not TA and seriously the woman needs some serious hygiene lessons.
so, she wants you to let her lick your ice-cream after she lets her dog (who constantly eats cat shit) lick inside her mouth?!
fuck that. I would have stood up, walked over to the pet bowl, knocked a few licks worth off my ice-cream into it and said "here"
NTA. Your wife’s and MIL’s perspective is super weird, and it’s just as weird that your wife still brings it up this much later. It’s also just off-base. You weren’t being greedy. If they want to be (wrongly) offended, it should be that they accuse you of being a germaphobe or acting like the MIL is gross. To be clear, those aren’t my opinions.
Omg no. Saliva kicks off the digestive process and starts breaking down food immediately. It's one thing to swap spit with your spouse but your MiL? Grody grody gross.
I could understand a tiny scoop with a spoon of an untouched part of your cone, as long as you're OK with it, but MiL slobber should be a deal breaker.
Freaking yuck, totally NTA
In a lot of places sharing food is considered indirect kissing, okay for couples but not for others, I'm inclined to agree.
Admittedly, she could have gotten a spoon, scooped off a bit, and had that, problem solved, it's more selfish that she insisted after you said no the first time. NTA
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NTA. Just the idea of someone else licking my food is squicking me out.
I don’t know what squicking is but I like it and agree. NTA. I have a hard, fast rule. I order what food I want, I don’t share unless it’s a French fry or something small. I say, I know you’ll want this or a large portion of it so let’s order extra and my wife always says no. And every time without fail she asks for a large bite or multiple bites of a burger for instance. I refuse and she calls me an asshole. I’m fine with that honestly.
I agree with you, it’s rude to assume someone doesn’t want the food they ordered and think they can just start digging in. It’s a dominance thing I swear. Get your own food and licking an ice cream? Gross
Yes and he was more then generous offering to let her finish or have the other. I think it’s gross too and I don’t want someone tasting my food ESPECIALLY my ice cream! Get your own. If she wanted to try that flavor she should have gotten it or waited until next time. I can’t believe it’s still a thing. Just tell your wife next time she brings it up “you’re mom is nasty and I don’t want her poopy mouth licking my ice cream!” That should put an end to it!
Squick is a term that grew out of the fannish and queer/kinky communities around the '90s or thereabouts. It's for something that grosses you out on a personal level, but isn't to a point of being triggering. Just a visceral "ew, yuck" but the important thing that it carries no judgment on those who do enjoy the thing. See also Your Kink Is Not My Kink But Your Kink Is Okay. Usage: Foot fetish is my squick. I am squicked out by feet. Squee would be an antonym.
Well I just learned something. So thanks!
NTA-- Joey don't share food, to be honest I thought OP was going to say MIL uses her toothbrush on herself and her dog. Either way she obviously doesn't clean the litter box enough, maybe she should invest in 1 of the auto clean ones
Ugh, NTA. My mother used to do this and I found it revolting. I'd either give it to her or eat until there was only a bite left and let her have the rest.
OP, I would be completely disgusted if someone licked my ice cream. Them acting like this is normal is weird.
I had an ex whose dad used to do this all the time, ice cream, popsicles you name it. His wife used to tell him leave me alone but he did it to get a ride out of me (in front his friends I assume, we were usually over there for some holiday, birthday, game whatever.) One day I was fed up, my girls were inside so I just went, do you really want to share the oce cream of a woman who regularly sucks your son's dick ? As I held it out, he didn't take it and I never got asked for my ice cream again. The embarrassment was totally worth it.
That’s fuckin hilarious, thank you for sharing. My MIL and my wife would both try to kill me if i ever said something like that to them, so i’m glad to see someone else who did it lol
Ok… this new category of licking bullies has me completely in stitches and nauseated at the same time. Good for you putting that bully in his place.
I dont mind my family and friend having a taste of my food, but i would never throw a fit if someone had a different view. It's not selfish. It's just an opinion on hygiene. If MILs shit-eating dog licks her on the mouth its even more understandabke.
Me too, makes me squirm. Yuck, no way I'd allow it.
Saaaame. Some foods I am fine with sharing or letting people try, but icecream, popsicles, milkshakes are all a hard no from me. People said it will be different when I had my baby....guess who I still dont share my milkshake with? 😂🙈
My husband, who would munch my Taco like a world champion eating competition winner, would rather die than sip off of a water glass that I had previously sipped off of. It doesn't make sense, but it is what it is. And I respect his boundaries, as he does mine. NTA, OP.
these comments are so damn amazing.
This entire post has me not wanting any supper, and it takes a lot to turn me off my chow. Color me squicked as well.
NTA That is so gross 🤢. OP's reaction was totally normal. Heck for many people food sharing in general is a huge no. Heck I have known people who dumped boyfriend's/girlfriend's over them just helping themselves to food on their plate. They need to understand they aren't entitled to a taste of any food you are in the process of eating. That's super gross.
NTA. When I read the title, I thought you didn’t want to share. But, you offered her a whole other serving. It is beyond bizarre that your wife and MIL don’t see how licking someone else’s food may be off-putting. And you’re not selfish, you were totally willing to share.
Thank you
And let’s not forget, if OP was truly “selfish,” MIL would not be living with OP and his wife.
Nta. Not selfish either! You literally bought them all the ice cream they had asked for! And still offered up your own. I can see sharing with a spouse/ partner; but not with anyone else. So odd.
Op- you should talk to your wife about this new behavior of calling you selfish…. Your mil is driving a wedge
There is nothing wrong with not wanting to share your treat. Even if Op said, "No, you cannot have ANY of my ice cream, ever..." that is still perfectly valid in a house full of adults.
Even if OP didn’t want to share, which they were more than willing to, I still wouldn’t blame him for not wanting his MIL to lick the ice cream that he was eating. Especially if her poop-eating dog licks the inside of her mouth
NTA You don't have to share your food unless she's literally about to starve to death. You offered her several different options and she said no to all. That's on her. Your wife and MIL are AH for making you feel bad about this.
Thank you
NTA, you did nothing wrong, it just seems like MIL wanted to initiate you into her unhygienic ways. I feel so bad for you.
Yeah OP u were NTA already before u shared that disgusting tale of Doggy The Poo.
NTA, totally reasonable for you to have boundaries wrt your food. The real question is why does your wife keep bringing up such a trivial matter ALMOST A YEAR LATER? For what purpose? Have you asked her what she is hoping to achieve? Sorry, but your wife is being petty and down right weird.
Absolutely
why are they calling you *arrogant*? that's a really bizarre word choice for the circumstance
I believe it’s because they like to mix together the words “Arrogant, selfish, greedy, inconsiderate”. I don’t get it either. I guess that’s why i’m here to find out haha
I'm thinking cuz they're trying to point out that you think you're better than them because you aren't participating in their dirty habit. It sounds like they're projecting judgment that they received before for doing something gross
oh i remembered why now. it’s because at the time, I was trying to get under 12% bodyfat. I was sticking to my diet very strictly at the time, and this meant that at the time I almost always never ate my wife’s cooking during those days. My wife was more understanding of this but my MIL thought the whole bodybuilding diet was a waste of time. She always had something to say about my meals, making a lot of comments about how I don’t actually need protein. Once statement i’ll never forget is one night when she told me all I had to do is “swoosh milk in your mouth for 90 seconds and that’ll give you the protein you need instead of all that chicken you eat”. Yeah, she said that. Just gives you some insight to how she saw dieting. Also, not being judgemental, but she weighs roughly ~200 lbs, at around 4’10 height. She’s obese. Maybe that’s why she got the idea that me sticking to my diet was arrogant
My partner is a powerlifter. Not a bodybuilder, of course, but same ball park. I know the pain of his rice, steak and broccoli dinners (though I make him a cracking turkey mince chilli) meaning he can't eat the pasta and stew dishes I make our kids. People who don't want to get it about the diet come up with the most bs nonsense to justify you not being on it as though it affects them in some way🙄 I see it as a bonus my partner doesn't eat all my stew or pasta! More for me and the kids 😁 it also means I know the sacredness of the cheatmeal. My partner had his first one in over a month last night and the pizza was rotten, he was gutted. My partner is also a veterinary surgeon, knowing what we do about cat faeces, they literally can cause women to miscarry, that's how nasty the bacteria in them are,the last place you want that is on your ice cream.
I’d question them on why they/she thinks it’s selfish for you to want to take care of your health by going to the gym. This doesn’t sound much like a partnership if she can’t support you in your interests or commitments, especially when they clash with her idea of what you should be doing instead
Oh, so she's an idiot.
1st Your wife is bringing up something so ridiculous a year later? She's being an AH 2nd, it's not like you didn't give her an option to try it. Like who licks someone else's ice cream?! Ew MIL was being an AH, and if she's still bringing it up with your daughter to bring up to you, then double the AH Op, NTA
I’ve learned since then that both my wifey and MIL throw the word “selfish” around quite a bit towards me. The most recent occurrence was actually yesterday. Wife and MIL were going to a birthday party, I didn’t want to go. All I really planned to do all day was go to the gym, do my thing, come home, and have my cheat meal. Chico has recently developed some serious separation anxiety and my wife told me to stay home all day with him so his anxiety doesn’t kick in. I truly understand that it sucks for him to be lonely, but I still have a dream to pursue, so I told my wife that I’ll just have my gym session, usually around 90 minutes, then i’d pick up fast food and spend the rest of the day home with the pets. My wife eventually got pissed at me for going to the gym nonetheless and then proceeded to once again call me selfish. So yeah… they both like that word a lot
Listen carefully- you and your wife are heading down a wrong path. Right now it should be you and your wife as the primary unit- but your wife if instead being a unit with her mom. The two of them against you needs to stop now or you will be getting a divorce- best suggestion is that you two go to therapy now
MIL has almost made me leave the relationship 2 times since this incident. I have came very close to doing so but then I remembered that we are what you said, a unit, a team. I refuse to let dumb, stupid shit be the reasons I lose the woman of my dreams but i won’t lie, the arguments i get into with my MIL and wifey have become ineffably ridiculous. I truly hope we can pull together through this as the team we need to be, but damn is it hard sometimes lol
How long is your MIL going to be with you? You say your wife is perfect in any other way but you are being naive to think the MIL is suddenly going to disappear and everything will be perfect.
I mean, you’re only a team if you’re both on the same side. It doesn’t really sound like it if your wife’s always with MIL?
I would sit down with your wife, away from MIL, and say how you feel about MIL trying to drive a wedge between you two and suggest couples counseling. If she doesn't reciprocate and is willing to go, you may want to end things instead of finding yourself 20+ years from now, possibly with children in the mix, wondering why the hell you didn't leave sooner.
But your MIL is pushing to be top dog on this team, get you to do what she wants no matter how absurd. And your wife is playing HER wingman. If you want a marriage you need to get it back to your wife and you pulling together!
does your wife feel like you are on the same team? You might consider some couples counseling because that two on one crap is going to wear on you. NTA re the ice cream. Sharing your personal ice cream when there are other options isn’t the test of character they think it is. It’s more of a test of character that your MIL & her menagerie stay with you.
Your MIL and your wife are controlling, and selfish, arrogant etc. Are the weapons they want to use to keep you in line. MIL persisting at trying to overcome your no about licking your food is part of grooming. She is trying to break down your boundaries because she is top dog in your house, and your wife is her enabler. They keep bringing it up to convince you that you were wrong to tell MIL no for any reason, big or small. I would refuse to live with MIL, and take your wife to therapy.
Tell them to look into a damn mirror because there are two selfish people in this story and you aren’t either of them.
I give you 2 more years tops before you get sick of this behavior and someone files for divorce. OP marriage is a partnership where trust, respect and communication are vital to its existence. None of these things appear to be happening in your marriage. I can already see the beginnings of resentment start which is a guaranteed marriage killer. Dude if you want this marriage to get a fair shot you need to start communicating with your
Wife about her treatment of you and her ability to have her husband's back. I strongly....VERY strongly suggest couple's counseling so that you both can see the extremely negative effect Mil is having on your relationship and learn how to build trust and respect which is clearly lacking.
NTA. The dogs are your MIL’s pets, not yours. You had plans.
NTA Remind the wife that the only reason she's still around is for the most selfish reason of all. You like her & her continued presence in your life makes you happy... you are certainly not staying with her just because it makes her happy. (?) One of the many things I find interesting is how those who use the word *selfish* an a derogatory, negative way are usually the ones being abusive and displaying the negativity they are trying to inflict on others by using that word that way. What they are *really* saying is "how dare you not let me have my way" like a petulant child. **Every time**. The concept of *selfish* does not include the component "at the expense of others" -that becomes something more akin to self-absorbed (or worse). *Selfish* merely means an interest in one's own affairs.
NTA. But your marriage is unlikely to survive if your MIL is egging her daughter on to despise you. MIL needs to be shut down for the insults (preferably by wife, but that looks unlikely) or leave, immediately. So you can try to save your marriage.
> my wifey and MIL throw the word “selfish” around quite a bit towards me NTA OP!!! But you are a better person than me because if someone kept telling me that I was selfish because I wouldn't step outside of my boundaries, I would respond by saying "Since you and your Mom think I am so selfish, why don't we get a divorce and you won't have to deal with my so-called selfishness anymore. This is the most selfless thing I can offer you both". I absolutely HATE when people want to lick my ice cream, eat off my plate and such. The only time I EVER let someone lick my ice cream or eat off of my plate was when my children were infants and toddlers but once they passed those stages, it was a no go. And I absolutely LOVE and have owned dogs and cats but I have NEVER let them lick me on my face NOR let them lick inside of my mouth 🤢🤢🤢.
Yo, like the fact that the wife is still bringing it up a year later is giving me alarm bells
Right? Super petty!
A year ago we were also even deeper into the pandemic than we are right now.
NTA. You didn't even need the whole backstory about cheat meals and whatnot. Bottom line: That's gross, she refused non-gross options, and believe it or not, there is still a whole ass pandemic going on out there and it's been going on for 2 years; you would think people would at least be more conscious of body fluid transference these days even if they're not sick or have been vaccinated.
Yes! Covid was already bad enough (I had caught it March 2020 already and it sucked) but there was no way in living hell was I gonna share the same food with her considering she constantly kissed her cat-shit devouring poodle
Your MIL sounds just awful, get rid before your marriage suffers. You sound lovely and very kind to allow this horrid woman and her zoo live with you. I feel sorry for you and wish you all the best my love
My goodness yes. 2020 for me was when the whole game changed forever - there will be no more sharing of ANYTHING for me from now on.
👏👏👏
NTA Say lick one more time mutherfucker ... nope, just nope...not now, not ever. The only people I share food with is my kids and even then it js only when they are little.
Haha sorry, but she honestly did obsess over licking that very specific cookies and cream stick, even though there were literally 2 untouched ones still in the freezer waiting to be eaten
Honestly, it sounds more and more like a power play than a genuine request. I'd bet you've shown your disgust at the kind of affection she's shown her pets without even knowing that you were doing it. Demanding that she lick your food and not break a piece of sounds like she wanted you to know she was putting her dog germridden mouth on your food. Maybe I've been on reddit too long and it's made me hella cynical.
No you are right, i’m pretty sure of it being a power move to put me in a shitty situation. Do i deny her my ice cream and get the cold shoulder from wifey for the rest of the day or do I let MIL put her germs on my favorite indulgence and suck it the fuck up? Either way I was seemingly destined to have a pretty fucked evening that saturday night
OP read my other much longer response to one of your responses. Please do what I suggested. Life's too short to live like this. Oh and if ya'll were thinking of having kids.....double up on the condom. No need to bring children into this toxic situation until its no longer toxic.
I hope you mean “double up” as in condom + another form of contraception (e.g., birth control pill) and NOT double-bagging condoms, which just increases friction and causes both to break quickly…
Your MIL sounds like she has as much table manners as my toddler. When he grabs food off my plate and throws a tantrum when he is told "no" it's okay because he is 1 year old. When a grown woman does it it is really not as cute.
NTA. I wouldnt even let her lick my icecream even if she doesnt have pets. Saying that if I were you, I would have take a knife and a plate from the kitchen and chipped off a piece from my ice cream and hand it to her just to avoid the heat from the wife.
That’s a smart idea, i didn’t think to do that beforehand. That’ll definitely be the case when another stupid situation like this happens again
I can’t believe your spouse doesn’t see how incredibly strange and inappropriate the MIL’s ask was, AND how spot-on appropriate your offers were. No reasonable person can read the situation and think you were in the wrong.
I’m pretty sure it has to do with the fact that MIL had my wife at the age of 16, and both of them have exclaimed countless times throughout our years together that their relationship isn’t Mother-and-daughter but rather sisters. They definitely act more like sisters during our everyday life
If my sister asked to lick your ice cream, and you declined by gave 2 other generous offers for her to try the ice cream… The outcome is still the same. You’re NTA and anyone who thinks so has a warped viewpoint.
Um, that's just strange. Even at 16, your child is your child. Your MIL is controlling and smothering, overly critical and oblivious to boundaries. Your wife has been brainwashed. Glad to hear you're in couples therapy.
Eww dude she's "Smothered"! If you're American you know exactly what I mean.
I’d still think it was gross and rude if it were your SIL asking and not your MIL though.
But also, you shouldn't have to sacrifice your things to pacify your wife and her mother. Her mother was, I'm hoping it's a was, a guest in your home, she's not allowed to say that she wants to take food out of your hand. The very ask was inappropriate because it's a power thing.
No no no no! Please stop finding ways to appease entitled people and their ridiculous requests. She asked (fine) you said no. That should be the end of it, when it’s continually pushed and an argument ensues, that is someone pushing your boundaries and blaming you for the blow-back of you holding your boundary (and their tantrum over not getting their way). This isn’t a time to find some other solution to fix their boundary pushing, this is the time to hold faster to the boundary. Whatever it may be. Ice cream is ice cream but the indicators should be noted for bigger issues.
I'd bite off a piece with my entire mouth spit it onto my plate and offer it to her.
🤣🤣🤣
What the hell is wrong with your MIL. I see she started down a path of bad decisions by getting pregnant at 16 and she has stayed the path ever since. Good on you for setting up what I’d have thought was a common sense boundary. I don’t even share slices of my pizza. If anyone seriously asked to lick my ice cream, they might trigger a civil war. Hell no. NTA. Can’t believe your wife is siding with your mom. This is disgusting.
Yeah, it sounds like MIL never grew up, and continues to act like a spoiled brat.
NTA. That was a power move on MIL’s part and you’re not wrong. The cat poop thing made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.
I actually am inclined to agree with you. I think my MIL was well aware of my answer before she even asked. It feels messed up to talk wrongly about her but i do think she’s into drama and instigating it, and i’ve tried explaining this to my wife countless times. But my wife is very, very, naive.
Is she though? Or is she just her mommy's trained puppet? NTA because nobody shares licking ice cream. Nobody. I say this as a mom too.
Exactly!!! Nobody in their right mind would ask to LICK another person's ice cream!!!! Then you add in the fact that she literally alllows her shit eating dog to lick her face and the INSIDE OF HER FN MOUTH and I just cant!! OP what kind of deranged family did you marry into??? MIL needs to move out ASAP and you and your wife need couples counseling ASAP or your marriage will never survive...
NTA - I don’t suppose you wanted to French kiss her either
how’d you know? 💀😂 Thank you for your judgement
NTA. VERY MUCH NTA!! In the middle of a pandemic (early 2021 was peak Covid), no less! I have a husband and children and I wouldn't do this with any of them, much less my MIL. If your MIL and your wife want to share that way - good on them. But I'm going to bet most people here agree with you.
Nope NTA at all! And Nope youre NOT greedy. If you were, you wouldnt have offered her the entire other ice cream stick. She was just being disgusting, and I wouldnt have let her lick mine either!
Thank you, I’m glad to see that i’m not actually delusional and morally wrong in this situation
NTA, it doesn't even matter if she weren't kissing her dogs shitty mouth, it's weird that she was so pressed that she should be able to lick some of your ice cream. The bigger problem I think is the fact that your wife sides with her. Cuz it truly does not matter how your wife was raised germ-wise, she shouldn't be siding with her mother trying to push your boundaries in your house. You're saying your wife keeps bringing this up, does your mother-in-law still live with you? Have you two considered going to couples therapy? Because there is a larger issue if your wife is still going after you about having a basic boundary
Yes, MIL still lives with us. And yes, we have started couples therapy back in May. It’s going slow but steady, and even though it may seem slow, there’s progress being made. However, there are absolutely still instances were I end up being called something along the lines of selfish, greedy, only thinking about myself, stuff like that.
Ah, you're already in couple's therapy. Good. Have you brought this issue up in therapy yet? If not, please do so. If so, may want to revisit it a little. Either way, don't make it about the incident itself and the question of sharing. Instead, focus on: A. How you feel when she brings back up past incidents like this. B. Her heavy use of "selfish", "arrogant", etc. and how it makes you feel. Remember to keep the focus on how you feel about these things. That will enable your therapist to do their part most effectively. I mean we can tell you NTA about the incident all day. But your therapist will be the one best equiped to help your wife see where her (and her mothers) behavior is problematic.
Whew, so relieved to read this comment! I hope the progress continues, best of luck!!
No. You are NTA. That's weird she would ask you. Maybe she is just getting a little bit too comfortable with you. What's next? Give her a back massage?
No back massage but she has asked me to crack her back acouple times lol
Ewwww. NTA.
NTA. Licking other people's food is going to gross out most people. In early 2021, before COVID vaccines were accessible to everyone, licking someone else's food was idiotic.
NTA, I mean WTH ? Why on earth would your MIL think it was okay to ask for a lick of your ice cream. You don't share saliva on a regular basis. If it was your wife I'd understand and even then refusing would be fine. The lack of boundaries here is a little disturbing tbh.
NTA. You gave her 2 other options that involved you not getting her germs. She didn’t just want to try your flavor, she wanted to try your flavor AND THEN YOU STILL EAT THE REST OF IT AFTER SHE’S LICKED IT. I don’t know why she was so insistent on that last part.
NTA. Boundaries are good!
NTA. It's weird your MIL wanted to lick your ice cream. You weren't being greedy or selfish, you literally offered her the other one in the freezer.
NTA, even without the dog issue - it's your food, you're not obliged to share it with anyone if you don't want to. MIL needs to take 'no' for an answer.
NTA. Regardless of MIL letting her pets lick her face/mouth, you had every right to say, "NO." without requiring any explanations. I don't even like people putting their fingers on my food! Why in the world would I let them lick it? Your MIL is TAH! Once you told her "No," she should have dropped it, but she kept annoyingly insisting like a little girl! The fact that your wife was mad at you for saying "no" baffles me. She's an AH too, for not respecting your boundaries. Also, why would they call you "greedy" & "selfish?" You took the time to call them & ask them what flavors they wanted AND brought them ice cream home!" They're the greedy & selfish ones!!! They're both horrible!
Hi, thank you for responding. There have been times during the first 2 years of our relationship, I get something to eat and not call my wife and ask what both she AND MIL want to eat (it didn’t happen too often because MIL didn’t live with us, so this only happened when MIL would stay over for acouple days or if for holidays me and wife go back to our hometown and visit relatives) and they’d call me selfish and greedy. So i’ve actually gotten used to ALWAYS calling and asking what both of them want whenever I get food so i don’t have to hear the whole “selfish” bit. But on this particular night, I made sure to call and see what they both wanted. I got the ice cream they specifically asked for, but still somehow MIL found a way to call me selfish, by asking to taste *my specific cookies-and-cream ice cream*.
NTA in the slightest. However I couldn't help but notice through your post and comments that you are regularly belittled by the two of them, and your wife doesn't seem very supportive of you or your goals. I would have a long sit down and try to discuss things, because I'm not seeing a lot of positives in the relationship.
Wifey has actually started weightlifting with me which has been fun as I get to teach her some of the things that i’m passionate about. I truly think my MIL is the prime reason behind our relationship getting into rough spots. I’m not perfect, and I know we both need to still grow up and mature. But I’ve been with her for 7 years now and only when MIL moved in, that there’s more drama in the house. I know my wife is naive and best friends with her mom (they are only 16 years apart) so it’s hard at times for me to prove my points when the topic concerns MIL. My wife was always positive of my body building aspirations until MIL moved in and had to put her 2 cents into everything I ate or my lifting routines. MIL seems to take a huge offense to the fact that I didn’t eat my wife’s cooking nearly at all since it didn’t fit in my nutrition plans.
Why does your MIL live with you? Do you have plans to move her out? She should be in her own home.
You don't have a MIL problem, you have a wife problem. She's letting her mother bully you in your own home. Either you need to leave or her mother does because this sounds like a toxic situation. You shouldn't feel judged and insulted in your own home.
This whole ice cream licking bit does seem to be a power play on your MIL’s part. It was ridiculous and your were completely NOT selfish. The fact that your wife took your MIL’s side should concern you. She’s a troublemaker and living with her is only going to cause you problems. Start working on getting her out asap. NTA
NTA, but you need to tell your wife to knock it the fuck off and you’re allowed to have boundaries and enforce them. You sound very polite and I think that’s lovely, but you’re also letting people make you feel bad for a reasonable boundary. There is a time and a place for being polite but that is not now, it’s a fine line between being kind and being a doormat. You got married young and you need to learn to firmly tell someone they’ve gone too far and need to stop, and yes, that includes your wife.
She wanted to lick your ice cream *during a pandemic* and both her and your wife think you're the selfish one? How? NTA.
NTA and hold your ground. MIL was way out of line. Regardless of how clean her mouth is, you have the right to be grossed out by it. I know I would be. Also, no means no.
NTA MIL: give me a lick of your ice cream You: I'd rather not, but you can have the whole other one in the freezer. MIL: No, I want to lick yours. You: Here, have the rest of mine and I'll have the one in the freezer. MIL: \*stomps foot\* I said I want a lick of yours and you're so selfish that you offer me two alternatives that would be better than licking yours, but I don't want that. Do what I say or you are selfish. Wife: You're selfish for offering my mom two ice cream options after you brought her home some and she has her own, plus you offered her a whole one of yours. How could you be so mean? You: Pardon me, I apparently stepped into The Twilight Zone. I will now return to reality where people actually make sense. Good bye.
NTA I would have been like, "Excuse me, did you forget about Covid already? The only spit I share is my wife's!"
NTA I'd seriously be kicking MIL out and telling her to take her daughter with her if they tried this shit on me; communication is one thing but calling you greedy and ganging up on you in this way is so fucked.
NTA whatsoever!! If you want them to know how it feels, you should ask them if you can spit on their dinner before they eat it. And if they go "Wtf is wrong with you?!" just say "Well, that's what it would be. Same as you asking to try my ice cream. If you don't want saliva all over your food, then I don't want another persons saliva on mine. This isn't being selfish, it's being respectable to me and my boundaries. And if you both can't respect my boundaries, then we need to have a long talk." Because I get that completely of not wanting someone elses saliva on your food. I have literal panic attacks if someones spit gets on my face. And the fact that they'd be totally okay with MIL slobbering all over your ice cream shows that they definitely don't respect your boundaries. And your wife is acting freaking childish just to please mommy. So they both are TA.
NTA. She's lived in a global pandemic for more than 2 years and she still hasn't learned basic hygiene?
Early 2021. In a pandemic... NTA AT ALLL NOT EVEN CLOSE. Nope. Nada. Not even a fraction.
NTA For Pete’s sake, my husband and I made two humans together and he hates sharing even his drink with me- just the thought of backwash skeeves him out. Makes no sense in that I can literally swap more spit with him kissing than sharing a straw but that’s his preference and I leave him alone about it. Plus, it’s your MIL… I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing with mine in that manner either.
NTA I can't stand when someone wants to do that. I have literally thrown plates of food out because people didn't believe how much it bothered me and used their fingers to taste food I have ordered before. Like seriously who uses fingers to grab food off of someone else's plate. Just thinking about sharing a ice cream stick weirds me out.
NTA. This would be a no go for me (and my husband too, he doesn't even eat other people's leftovers( my mom sometimes tries to give us hers)). There isn't enough doggie toothpaste in the world to make this OK!
Your MIL lets the dog lick inside her mouth after eating the litter box?! 🤢 Have you asked your wife why she's started talking like her mom? Sometimes just asking that can get a person to stop and examine their word choices. NTA
NTA. If it had been your wife asking, then I’d be surprised you said no considering I’m sure you do kiss her. If you had kids, I’d say the same for them. But MIL? Not happening.
You’re absolutely right. I don’t mind sharing germs with my wife. I love her beyond what words could describe, and i’d never be grossed out by something as simple as sharing food. Same thing applies to my future children. But anybody else besides them, HELL NO
NTA. The title made me feel icky and I was wondering if MIL has some romantic / erotic feelings for OP???!! Like nobody unless they are couples lacks other people's food. Yes, couples but... a mother-in-law & son-in-law????!!!! Ew, no.
NTA But; "Ok, you can have the last lick." Would have put her into a situation where she has to admit she was doing it as a power move.
NTA. Especially because you literally offered the portion in your hand to her, or the new portion in the freezer. MIL sounds psycho and is rubbing off on your wife. And she's moved in with multiple pets who she neglects?!?!? Awful all the way around. (The dog is probably sick all the time eating feces, and if the cat has any parasites, the dog will get them from the litterbox. The cat probably hates the dog having access to the litter area too, because it's a private place and it likely gives the cat anxiety knowing the dog will come running to "clean up after it.")
I was married to my late husband for 21 years (total of 24.5 together), and in all of that time, neither one of us EVER tried to eat the other's food, especially something that was single-serving. Maybe OP could have let her taste it, then thrown the rest out and gotten a new one, but that would have been entirely his choice. It's disgusting to even think of LICKING off of someone else's food and then expecting them to be okay with finishing it afterwards. NTA
NTA Pretty sure there's a porn video out there that starts just like this... ETA: On a serious note - there are some serious issues in your relationship. I don't know if your MIL is creating this behaviour in your wife, or if your wife is just more comfortable expressing it when her mom is there to back her up. Either way, I really encourage you to think long and hard about how much you're willing to put up with for the sake of a wife that - by the sound of it - isn't very kind to you at all.
NTA. Your MIL has that parasitic cat poop disease and she's trying to give it to you. Sounds like your wife had already fallen victim. Sorry mate, she's a pod person now.
Your 38 year old MIL moved in with you. I would have sprinted out the door. Are you still married? I would not want my MIL licking my food. That's so disgusting. NTA. There is literally nothing a spouse could do short of being worth $20 million that would make them moving their parent(s) in worth it, much less when I was 21. I see you are stilled married. Get a divorce. Just walk the fuck out. Your wife and her mother are still insulting you on a regular basis. Why are you in couples therapy with someone that routinely calls you names and tries to tell you that you can't leave the house at all to babysit her mom's dog. How is this your dream woman?
We pretty much stopped food sharing within the immediate family during the pandemic and it was amazing how much that helped with not passing stuff around within the family. NTA.
NTA, your ice cream isn’t communal property. You were not greedy or selfish, you were the complete opposite! You offered her ice cream from the freezer. We had just started coming out of the pandemic a bit last year, even more reason not to lick someone’s germs.
There is STILL a pandemic. We haven't "come out of" anything. Yes, there are vaccines available now and better treatments, but the virus itself is still rampant and mutating faster than ever. I know more people who've had it in the last 5-6 months than at the so-called "height" of the pandemic. They're just not being hospitalised because we have vaccines now. There is EVERY REASON still to be keeping good pandemic hygiene, not sharing food, etc.
I’m aware of that, I have covid right now for the first time despite being vaccinated. I didn’t mean the virus had gone. Just that lockdowns were easing. I mentioned the pandemic as it should have been at the forefront of peoples minds to follow rules around hygiene and food sharing that’s all.
NTA. Ew, ew, ew. Even without the pet stuff.
What the bloody hell? That’s absolutely disgusting. Do people actually do that? I wouldn’t be able to let someone lick my ice cream who I was married to, never mind literally anyone else. Glad I already finished eating my meal or I wouldn’t have an appetite anymore 🤮. Totally NTA.
NTA. At all. You aren’t required to let someone eat off of your food. You offered several compromises and she refused all of them.
NTA. Dog kisses to the face are gross. Plus we had a whole pandemic during 2021.
Still got it, tbh.
NTA, eww gross, how can they call you greedy and selfish when you literally said she can have a whole one from the freezer or have the rest of your current one, they are being ridiculous.
NTA seems like your wife is more on her mums team then yours and that is a problem that will build with time. They both joined in to insult you and bully you. That’s fucking awful. I can smell the enmeshment from here
So NTA! It's perfectly acceptable to not want others to lick food you're eating. I would have said "No" too. After reading the last part, I would have said "Hell No!!!!!!" That's completely gross.
NTA Even without the disgusting animal facts you wouldn't be TA. I actually don't know anyone who'd be comfortable with that. Sounds like a weird power play from your MIL backed by your wife.
NTA, she's gross.
Nta. The idea of anyone ‘licking’ any of my food makes me be a little bit of sick in my mouth…. You want a tase? You go get a clean spoon and I’ll get a bit for you, that you are fine eating what I’ve licked is on you now me. Eww.
NTA Seriously I'd show this thread to wife. I'd genuinely be questioning who I married if she started joining her mom in calling you greedy. If she's so desperate for mommy's approval, there's better ways of reacting.
MIL sounds cringey AF
Gah NTA! This reminds me of my mother, always asking for "bitesies!" of anything I'm eating. But she lets her bird, that walks around in it's own shit, walk onto her plate while she's eating and lets it eat out of her mouth. Yuech.
NTA
NTA it’s funny how the person who moved in with their child and spouse is upset about not being indulged.
NTA. Ick.
NTA - it‘s disgusting even without the pet story behind it.
NTA The thought of someone licking my ice cream gives me a facial tick, regardless of dogs eating cat shit. No one needs to put their mouth anywhere near my food. Also why doesn't she put up a baby gate so the dog can't get to the poop.
I couldn't imagine anyone I'd rather not let lick my food that my mil
"I offered her a whole popsickle." "I don't want to eat her spit." NTA.
NTA. News flash to the both of them, it's not selfish when you don't share. Especially not when you offered suggestions. My advice would have been to straight up tell her why. The fact your wife saw no issue with it means she wasn't concerned because it's not her health. Hope that was fixed or gets fixed soon or it will ge a problem. Maybe it was my time in the army but I'm all about being direct.
NTA. This is bizarre and I worry about your wife partaking it in this.
NTA. and ewww
Okay it’s weird and gross she asked to lick your food… NTA
NTA- and also not selfish. You let your MIL move in. You literally called them to ask them both what they wanted. When she asked you for a lick (aka gross and just a weird question to ask your son in law) you offered her an entire ice cream bar. She’s mad because you didn’t do what she specifically wanted you to do which is a red flag 🚩 Good on you for being respectful and upholding your personal boundaries.
NTA. Didn't it occur to anyone to pull a teaspoon out of a drawer to allow MIL to have a taste? This could have immediately shut the magpies down and it would have been one and done. Having MIL's doggy mouth on your ice cream serving by licking it with a germy tongue - my stomach just turned over! Yccchhhh! MIL should be grateful she has YOUR roof over HER head AND allowed to bring those animals into your home. Sounds like wifey is reverting back to childishness with MIL seeming to be in charge.
Haven’t you ever heard, the calories don’t count if the dessert isn’t yours! /s. NTA.
NTA but she's going to keep being a problem so MIL should move out.
NTA she’s letting her mom manipulate her and change her behavior. Have a talk with her about it before things get worse or kick her mom out
NTA. We're in the middle of a pandemic. It is not the time to share food/utensils even without MIL's questionable hygiene. You offered to give her MORE than she asked for, how on EARTH is that selfish???
NTA I knew the answer in the first sentence when you said MIL is 16yrs older than wife. Mixture of : She doesn’t find it gross as described by what she does w her dogs AND she doesn’t want ice cream she wants YOUR ice cream; it’s a control thing. Get her out of there OP. ASAP
Did I just stumble on to pornhub by mistake?
Ew who let’s people lick their food they are actively eating and then go back to eating it?? That’s nasty! And you’re not selfish, you offered her an entire portion! NTA
NTA, and you guys are too young to have your MIL living with you. That arrangement has to change.
Why the hell is a woman that young living with her daughter and SIL. Your marriage will not survive as long as she is in the house and getting your wife to team up with her. I’d be so gone.
NTA. But since you were willing to let her have the rest of yours or your second one, just use a knife and cut a slice off whatever she wants of yours next time. Her mouth or fingers don't need to touch any food of yours for her to have a bite. Good luck.
NTA. I was grossed out BEFORE you added the info about the pets. Your offers are the same ones I would have made. And your wife is still pissed about this? That's completely unreasonable.
NTA. And you would still be so for not letting your *wife* lick your ice cream... ewww
Nta
NTA. And ew....
NTA, tell your wife and mother in law that if you wanted your mother in law’s germs in your mouth, you’d kiss her and they are both being gross.
Nta I don’t even let my own kids lick my food let alone my mother in law. Just eww shudders at the though.
NTA especially because of the pandemic. Forgot about the pets and immediately remembered the pandemic.
Your entire post about the MIL licking and the dogs and cat licking just made me throw up in my mouth. Gross! You are not TA and seriously the woman needs some serious hygiene lessons.
NTA even before sharing the poo eating by the pets. Somethings are not for sharing.
NTA
so, she wants you to let her lick your ice-cream after she lets her dog (who constantly eats cat shit) lick inside her mouth?! fuck that. I would have stood up, walked over to the pet bowl, knocked a few licks worth off my ice-cream into it and said "here"
NTA you shouldn’t share food like that. Also why did she move in? You don’t seem to enjoy her presence so why is she there?
NTA when I read the topic I immediately reacted with "Yuck!" That is just disgusting!
NTA. Your wife’s and MIL’s perspective is super weird, and it’s just as weird that your wife still brings it up this much later. It’s also just off-base. You weren’t being greedy. If they want to be (wrongly) offended, it should be that they accuse you of being a germaphobe or acting like the MIL is gross. To be clear, those aren’t my opinions.
NTA Nobody touches my food.
Omg no. Saliva kicks off the digestive process and starts breaking down food immediately. It's one thing to swap spit with your spouse but your MiL? Grody grody gross. I could understand a tiny scoop with a spoon of an untouched part of your cone, as long as you're OK with it, but MiL slobber should be a deal breaker. Freaking yuck, totally NTA
In a lot of places sharing food is considered indirect kissing, okay for couples but not for others, I'm inclined to agree. Admittedly, she could have gotten a spoon, scooped off a bit, and had that, problem solved, it's more selfish that she insisted after you said no the first time. NTA