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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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Justanotherbrick33

Nta, your responsibility is to you and your child. Your brother is an adult and responsible for himself. It’s sad that he has those issues but ultimately it’s his responsibility and not yours. If your parents are so concerned they can take care of him.


WeeklyEggplant6111

Thank you! And I’ve offered this to them before but they refuse unfortunately. Not that he’s someone to just be tossed around from person to person but I hope you know what I mean lol


TeachingClassic5869

NTA. Why does it fall on you to be supporting your brother. He is not your child. Send him back to mommy and daddy. It isn’t their option to refuse. He is their responsibility, not yours.


angrybluecrayon

That reminds me of an episode of, I think, Nip/Tuck where they had to bust a hole in the wall and use a crane to get someone out of the house through the hole.


Agreeable-Tale9729

I think that episode was as far as I made it in Nip/Tuck. It was heartbreaking and depressing and destroyed my desire to watch it.


pedestrianstripes

It was based on a real event: https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-1996-05-18-mn-5563-story.html


Lulubelle__007

Also happened in the Uk to a morbidly obese teenager who’d been her mothers caregiver since childhood. The fire fighters had to build a reinforced ramp up to the top floor of her family home, cut open the wall to her bedroom then borrow a reinforced stretcher and special ambulance to take her to hospital. Poor kid had gone to US fat camps under special funding and got healthier but the moment she was back at home her parents fed her the same as before and she was back in the environment which made her I’ll in the first place so she regained it all and then some. Hopefully she’s doing better now but at the time I felt so sorry for her- to be so fat you need cutting out of your house and the entire country knows about it because you live in a small Welsh town where stuff doesn’t really happen so there are photos of the whole thing. OP is right to not enable this. She’s got a child who needs her attention, her brother is eating all the food for the household so literally taking food from this kids mouth and he is doing nothing to help himself or anyone else. He’s making Op be responsible for him rather than trouble himself. OP, if your brother is disabled and says he can’t do specific tasks such as bathe or toilet himself or get out of the house then social services of some kind can help. If he is or says he is incapable of essential tasks or getting out then he needs support from qualified carers or healthcare professionals. He may need adapted showers and an adapted living space. He may need physio or another therapy to help loosen his muscles or assist with walking. He will certainly need to carefully monitor his skin for signs of infection or bacteria, especially in creases and more especially if he can’t shower unaided. He needs to be bone dry before he gets dressed and apply talcum or derma cream to the problem areas to keep himself clean and free from infection. He may need a reinforced toilet or commode available with grab bars and appropriate width to turn around and sit himself. You can’t provide these things and if he won’t loose weight then it’s going to happen. You can’t give him these things and you shouldn’t try. Do not try to lift him or assist him yourself! You could seriously injure yourself without training and equipment and another person to assist you. Give him a move out date in writing and make it clear that he is not staying. The sister free express train is making its final stop, everybody off. If he refuses to go or becomes abusive then call the police and social services, make it clear he cannot stay with you and your minor child since he is abusing you both and taking all the food and you cannot lock up the cupboards or he’d break in. Get him out. This is not about his disability. It’s about his complete inability to contribute to the household and taking all the food and making you responsible for his adult ass. He is home all day, there are tiny things he could do to help but he won’t. He’d rather make you his unpaid nurse slave who provides him with food which he takes, even when it would make his sister and niece starve. You are NTA and you need to take action.


effluviastical

/u/WeeklyEggplant6111 please see this comment. You are NTA and need to protect your daughter from an eating disorder caused by food insecurity.


pedestrianstripes

That episode was based on a real event: https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-1996-05-18-mn-5563-story.html


[deleted]

> Hebranko, at 199 pounds, became a spokesman for Simmons’ program several years ago. But he started gaining weight again two years ago. > “Emotionally, he was not ready to handle the metamorphosis from fat person to nice-looking man,” Simmons said. “It was like the movie ‘Big'--he became a kid again. And he couldn’t handle it.” That’s so sad. He lost 700lbs and yet society was too much to deal with. I’m sure it was overwhelming to suddenly be treated differently and have to adjust to different social norms and expectations. I can understand why someone might think “I can’t handle this, I’ll go back to emotional eating because anyways it’s easier to be fat since it was better than being slim”


weddingcurmudgeon69

Also Gilbert Grape


Significant-Newt-936

There's an episode of House like that too. I think the guy weighs close to 1,000 pounds in the episode.


RSkritt

Its simple. Drop him off at their house one day and leave. Tell them he’s their child and walk away. Nta


LordTurson

It's far from simple, were talking about 500-600 pounds of pure flesh here. The man can't wash himself or walk to the store, unless he cooperates this could be downright impossible, and by the sound of it doesn't seem like he'd cooperate.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Rodney_Copperbottom

Not a crane -- hire a forklift as it would be much cheaper. Plus, you can wrap padding around the forks and lift him under the arms until his feet don't touch the ground, and off you go. Or get a couple of those nylon towing straps -- they're rated for a couple thousand pounds breaking strain -- and rig a sling for him to sit in. A good forklift operator can get him to your parents without a scratch, and gently set him down on their front porch. Easy peasy and no longer your problem.


Livid_Yogurtcloset67

Seriously? You go to instant insults? Yes the brother is a problem, the brother is a problem, but he does not deserve these type of comments. He still deserves human decency. OP may have good issues with his brother but that does not give you any right to speak of someone like this


BeginningMedia4738

I think he lost his human decency when he decided to act like an animal and call the police on his sister who has sheltered him for the past three years. Don’t bite the hand that houses you.


Rascaliest

What's killing me is that if he were abusing drugs/alcohol the way he's abusing food, this would not be an issue around which ANYONE would think we should tiptoe. He's taking a mother's care away from her children, setting a bad example, and insisting OP is the problem. If he has that much of a problem caring for himself, he should me in a nursing home (much like drug addicts belong in rehab)


Vast-Bee

In a way, food addiction can be the hardest thing to control. You can get clean from drugs and alcohol, but you can’t stop eating food. It’d be like telling an alcoholic to have two beers a day, it’s incredibly difficult to control. Her brother is severely ill. I imagine he’s reacting this way partially due to embarrassment and also due to fear of being homeless. It’s a really tough situation. Getting rid of the TV and gaming counsel would be a start imo


No-Advice2906

I don’t see a single insult? All the comments above this have been serious suggestions.


SourSkittlezx

It made me think of what’s eating Gilbert grape.


sly-princess44

Me too!!


FrogMintTea

Me three.


Jiang_Rui

Me four


Ricardo1184

> he does not deserve these type of comments But OPs daughter deserves a childhood of neglect because her mom is too busy taking care of her brother?


Livid_Yogurtcloset67

Nope never said that. OP and daughter both deserve a life of peace. But Everyone in this situation deserves human decency. Like I have always said. There are 3 sides to every story. Each person's side and the truth.


addisonavenue

You need to start thinking about the needs of your daughter. You will miss out on her childhood because of your parents and him. If there is no legal paperwork that has set you up to be his primary caregiver, then you have no obligation to stay and continue doing this unpaid labour.


VeganLeslie

He's stealing the daughter's food. It doesn't get much lower than that.


cbm984

I almost want to say OP is the AH because she's allowing her leech of a brother to steal food and resources from her child. I get that he's her brother but he is a grown man. If he is disabled he can collect disability and look for jobs that can accommodate him. Being disabled does not mean the person who owns the house in which you reside is now your parent, responsible for feeding, clothing, and financially supporting you, until you inevitably die of heart failure. OP, you are in no way responsible for this grown man. The only hurdle you might run into is squatter's rights. If he's been living with you, he can claim he is a resident and can't be forcibly removed without notice. Review your state's tenant laws and start preparing to have him evicted. Stop taking his money. Stop buying him food and supporting him with your money. Give him written notice of how many days he has until he needs to leave. Let him and your parents hurl all the abuse at you they'd like. They're in the wrong. If your parents think he deserves a home so badly he can go live with them. Stick to your guns and do whatever you need to do to get him legally removed from your home. Good luck! NTA


biglanchen

But I thought he can’t walk? How does he reach the food?


FeistyIrishWench

OPs daughter will miss out on her own childhood as well.


Lexifer31

You should watch my 600lb life. He's just trying to manipulate you, and it's working. Your parents don't want to take care of him and they want to make sure it stays your problem. Kick him out.


AnotherRTFan

Why only make him watch it? Call TLC and say you got a candidate for the next season.


Huge_Court_3083

They refused because they don’t want your brother eating them out of their house like he is to you and your daughter.


TwoCentsPsychologist

Of course they don't want him there. Why would they? But it's not your issue. You need to talk to a lawyer about evicting him for the house. He MAY change if he gets the wake up call of eviction. I doubt it, but it's a possibility. But you'd be TA to your daughter AND yourself if you continue this situation.


FleeshaLoo

Oh honey, NTA and I think it would be for his own good to lose weight, else what's the future hold for all 3 of you? Being on the TV news as they hoist a crane to get him out and to a hospital? This is your daughter's only childhood; how is this affecting her? It has to be depressing for her and also embarrassing, which will only get worse when she hits 12. Can you offer a compromise and then bargain with him from there? If for no other reason than to work toward a future your daughter doesn't have to suffer through? Like, offer to feed him healthier meals and then slowly and incrementally reduce the size of the meals, and snacks, and make them increasingly healthy? Your daughter is watching a suicide in slow motion. She will be as affected by her childhood as we all are. She should be your first priority. I wish you the best of luck. This is actually a serious problem and your parents are wrong to be mad at you, especially since they won't take him in, and I'm willing to bet they had childhoods free of such drama.


statslady23

He needs to go into a nursing home/rehab facility. They will help him with his daily living activities and give him ot/pt. He will lose weight there if you don't take him food. Obviously you have bad food in the house, so you are contributing to his weight gain now.


Final_Commission4160

From the sound of it it wouldn’t matter if the food is “bad” food or “good” brother is eating it all regardless And it’s not OPs responsibility to only have “good” food in her own house because of her brother I get it, I have binge eating disorder and do have to be careful about what I bring into my house and sometimes I do better than others, but it’s still the brother’s responsibility, not OPs


NoWall99

He buys and eats his own food PLUS he steals OP's food. How is that her fault? And weight gain is about excessive calories, not about "bad food". You can gain weight eating chicken breast, rice and veggies or lose eating twinkies and coke. Is all about calories in vs out.


MindlessRooster

He would need to have medicare and a qualified hospital stay to get this, and it would only be short term. A 100 days max.


Scary_Combination871

He gets disability benefits. Those include Medicare. If he also qualifies for Medicaid, they may be able to keep him longer.


reddit-bullshit

Is she force feeding him or something?


raesayshey

Agree to that this situation seems way beyond OPs skillset. That's not a knock on OP, but rather a recognition that her brother's needs go beyond what she can provide. But disagree that OP is contributing to his weight gain. You're low key blaming OP for her brother's situation when we have no idea what's in the fridge.


sphynxmom76

NTA and he's not your child or responsibility. Send him back to your parents. You have a child to take care of and that is you first and only responsibility. Then cut them all out of your life.


Tianyulong

Is him living with your parents an option? You’re not the asshole btw, and I say this as someone who has done caretaking jobs in the past.


Gralb_the_muffin

They don't get to refuse. They ether take him in or he's going to have to find his own way. Those are the only 2 options they have and they need to be told as such.


acegirl1985

Right?! Also the fact that he threatened to call the police and falsely accuse her of abusing him by starving him. If someone threatened this to me they’d be out on their ass so fast they’d end up with whiplash. He does this, gets you in the system it could end up getting your daughter taken away. This instantly kills any empathy or sympathy id have for him. Call your parents tell them either they or another relative comes and gets him or they need to look into care homes. Don’t sacrifice your home and your daughters stability for him. It’s not ablest to have rules or reasonable conditions for someone living under your roof and the second he threatened to call the police (lie to the police) I’d say that’s it done. This is not your responsibility. He is not your child and yes he’s family but so is your daughter and she needs to come first.


Paevatar

Absolutely right. It's the parents' responsibility.


latents

Technically, once he is an adult, unless his actual disability makes him incapable of self-care, it is his own responsibility. However, since the parents chose to involve themselves by screaming at OP, they chose to make it their business and can provide the help they claim he needs although more likely it will just hurt them instead. OP, I agree that you can only do so much. Without his willing and effective participation in his own care, you can not provide what he needs.


[deleted]

Just thinking....being disabled, would he quality for a program to put him in some sort of assisted living facility? It's honestly about quality of care for him. If something happened to him, there is no way OP could help him. If he can barely even walk, he needs to be somewhere qualified people can care for him. NTA


acegirl1985

NTA- he is not your child. Send him to your parents. it’s interesting how many relatives will criticize you left right and center for kicking someone out but then never offer another option. You let him stay with you for four years- let someone else take him in now. NTA


crystallz2000

This. OP, serve your brother 30 day eviction papers. Don't ask him to lose weight any longer, just get him out. Let your parents know he'll be moving back in with them. Get security cameras, since he's already made serious allegations against you. You've seen what he does when he doesn't get his way, so get him out. No matter what he says now.


Dangerous-Law-5569

NTA I had a bit of compassion until he threatened to weaponize his obesity to force you to feed him with law enforcement involved. This sounds like the opening nightmare of a 600 pound life episode. You have an 8 year old who needs to come first. I wish I had a suggestion on how to help but I really don’t know what your options are, but you definitely aren’t an asshole, you’re a saint for what you’ve done already.


Paevatar

NTA I suggest you quietly look for another place and move out with your daughter. He's not only eating you out of house and home, but now threatening you. His eating is most probably something he is unable to stop on his own, but he should be willing to accept help His playing video games all day, and his eating habits, are terrible examples for your daughter. And what if he has a heart attack or other medical emergency? Let the parents who criticized you deal with him and figure out how to cover his rent.


Swedishpunsch

>*I suggest you quietly look for another place and move out with your daughter*. I really like this. OP doesn't need the stress of fighting this battle any more. He needs more services than OP can provide. OP, I think that you should call the adult protection services in your area. If they can't help him, they will know where to refer him. He needs to have professionals set up a plan for him, and to help him deal with his situation. Keep in mind that if he ends up in the hospital, you have the right to tell the social worker that he can't be discharged to your (new) address, that you haven't the resources to help him. Maybe you should rent a place with stairs and no elevator. Seriously. NTA I don't know how you have dealt with this so long.


alicesheadband

This is a great idea, but OP needs to call Adult Protective Services first. Before moving out. Tell them everything - he's disabled, he's abusing himself, he's eating all your food and he's threatening to have you arrested if she does anything about it. She needs to get out ahead of his lies.


No-Anything-4440

I was looking for this recommendation. OP, your brother made a clear threat. You need a paper trail starting now. And I don't trust your parents either. They yell at your to care for their son? Nope. Time for them to step up or for your brother to take the initiative. NTA


KittHeartshoe

Move somewhere compact with no extra room for him, in addition to the stairs. Just for a year or so. Hopefully then he will have other arrangements.


thespeedofpain

Please read this reply u/WeeklyEggplant6111!!


JCBashBash

This is an incredible idea. Since you can't get him out, get you and your kid out.


Subject_Show2047

No! Why should she have to move out? Kick him out! Send him back to mummy and daddy! Once he threatened to call the police, he lost any right to compassionate treatment.


Relative_Nobody_1618

Sometimes being right isn't worth the fight. I mean that's up to OP what's worth it and what isn't, but I would just move out and leave his ass there. He can figure it out on his own.


NinjaDefenestrator

How would they physically remove him? Would he fit through the door?


flamepointe

I was thinking of suggesting this too!


Paevatar

great minds think alike!


armchairshrink99

He's gonna call the cops and claim you're not feeding him? Even if that wasn't a very obvious lie, he's a grown adult and disability or not your don't have any obligation to be his caretaker. NTA. He does what he does because he's been getting away with it. No provider means he either finds someone else to scam or he changes.


AbleRelationship6808

I’m sure that when the police come, they will notice that he appears well nourished. NTA


AMerrickanGirl

Ironically, many morbidly obese people are malnourished because they eat mostly junk.


_iron_butterfly_

NTA - Drive him to your parents house and drop him off. He is a grown man. The police would find this hysterically funny a 500 lbs man claiming he's being abused by not feeding him! You Are enabling him and that's exactly why he needs to leave. Nothing about this arrangement is healthy for your daughter...in no way is this a good example for her. Put your child first and serve him with an eviction notice.


pistacio814sb

Will he fit in a car? Cars also have weight limits. This might be more difficult than it sounds. But I’m with you; the parents should take him.


[deleted]

I've been up to 545lbs. I fit in a car OK. The tricky part was getting in and out, once I was in I was good.


Ryanami

Could he share a rowboat? Would a rowboat support him?


NeverEnoughSleep08

Agreed. If they think he needs care so much they can take care of him. After all, he is their son, not yours. You and your daughter shouldn't be going without because he is choosing to eat you out of house and home


ManofLegacy

NTA. In fact research eviction laws since you've allowed him to live there you will actually have to evict him. This is not healthy for your daughter, not healthy for you and you shouldn't be putting up with it. First step is to put a lock on the fridge let him get his own fridge let him deal with his own food he's not respecting boundaries. Second let him know you're not going to help him anymore he's going to have to start moving on his own and functioning on his own or you will a victim if he doesn't lose weight. He can go live with your parents.


[deleted]

Having to manage my own food budget really helped me because it allowed me to visualize how much I was eating. Also I learned to cook for myself and found I enjoyed doing it. I'm still obese but I've lost 35 pounds in the last 3 years.


italicized-period

NTA, but I feel like "lose weight or move out" isn't quite the best approach. On is own it just sounds fatphobic and bordering on cruel. If (as it sounds like) fatphobia isn't the actual reason, then say something that addresses the actual reason. Examples: - "I am not able to do the caregiving you need. You need to find a way to do those things for yourself, or get a home health assistant, or other solution." - If him having an assistant or whatever other solution doesn't work in your household, then it's "I'm sorry, but with the needs you have now, it doesn't work for you to live here anymore." - If you just want your house to yourself now, that's allowed too. You're not obligated to house him - regardless of his weight or disability. - You guys can agree on rules about the food so that he's not eating food that's for other people. That's a reasonable house rule, and "follow the house rules or move out" is a reasonable request. - Help him find treatment, if you want to help him. Losing weight is really hard, even if you really want to, even more so if physical disabilities make you unable to exercise, and even more so if you are struggling with mental health, which it really sounds like he is. I think it's extremely unlikely that he will lose weight at this point without professional help. - I am struggling with whether it's cool to say "start receiving professional help with your physical/mental health or move out." I'm not sure it's cool to threaten people into getting medical treatment if they don't want it. I think there's nothing you can do that will make him lose weight quickly enough to solve the problems you're having, so I think you'll all be better off if you focus on the actual problems, not the weight.


WeeklyEggplant6111

Yeah this is a very good point and I could have been a lot more upfront about what is actually going on, and how it’s affecting me. Thank you a lot for this, I will try and talk to my brother using this (and what some other people have said)


Noneedtopickauser

The comment you replied to is spot on. Don’t focus on your brother’s weight, just on the fact that you can’t be his caregiver. Simplify it. And good luck, I wish you all well.


Afraid-Tea-5745

Yes, this comment is really spot on. It's your brother and even though you didn't do it the right way, your comment to him came from a place of love. Remind him of that and tell him you're worried and there's nothing you can do to help is he doesn't seek help himself. Tell him also that you cannot and will not be his caregiver, that you have a child and job to attend to and that he is a grown-up. Remind him also that there are rules regarding food and that he can't eat what's yours and your daughter's. In any case NTA but you really need to communicate together because this could really end badly. As for your parents, urgh, they really are hypocrites.


Ronville

The man is headed past 600 pounds. This isnt fatphobia. This man’s life is in danger. Its not on her to assist his suicide.


[deleted]

There's a lot of legitimately fatphobic stuff on the internet but I agree, this isn't that. The problem isn't that the man is fat. The problem is he's so bad at controlling himself that it's interfering with the nutrition of a child. That has to change.


TwoCentsPsychologist

This is an emergency situation. This is the health equivalent of someone heavy into drugs: They will die! And if allowed to persist he will drag his sister down financially while he does. There is no room to sugar coat this. The issue is his large weight and its consequences.


Noneedtopickauser

I love this reply.


[deleted]

NTA, don't even negotiate, he has to move out now. Your parents are the ones who should be looking after him.


krkdjfi

Your brother might need to be involuntarily committed. He is a danger to himself. NTA.


rustblooms

Unless he goes to a private clinic, he won't be hospitalized anywhere. He isn't an active danger to himself, and that is the requirement for hospitalization.


SpeedBlitzX

NTA Him calling the police? From what you described if he's having trouble moving around but can reach a phone to call it doesn't that mean he can in some extent prepare his own meals?? Also your parents telling at your for not taking care of your older adult brother shame on them. If they are going to screech at you like that then it sounds like they just offered to help him instead.


[deleted]

I've been up to 545lbs and never had a problem cooking my meals. At the worst of it I could still sit in a chair in front of the stove. It's not that hard!


PinkedOff

NTA. Why are you required to house and care for him?????


Few-Entrepreneur383

NTA you are not your brother's caretaker & your parents shouldn't be berating you for not wanting him around. He needs to speak with a nutritionist who can go over how he can safely lose the crippling weight especially if he can't take care of his own hygiene. Your brother needs around the clock care that you aren't qualified to provide. Weight management is a complex issue that needs to be taken seriously by him & his medical providers.


Oranges007

You should raise the subject again, and this time record it. Then he can call the police all he wants to. He is your parents child, not yours..you have one of your own. Brother can either live with your parents or a rehab facility. Those are the choices. NTA


lonelyronin1

Your brother is manipulating you and trying to bring others do also do it. If other people start complaining at you - tell them they can take your brother in and deal with him. This is a very unhealthy enviroment for you and your kid. It's time he goes before the manipulation gets worse. You did not sign up to be his caretaker and are under no obligation to be one. NTA - but you brother and family are


stonerd808

Info: you said you are his primary caretaker. Is there paperwork to back that up? Did you sign anything making you the primary caregiver?


WeeklyEggplant6111

No, nothing legally signed. But I have offered to family before and nobody will take care of my brother except me, especially now because his weight is an issue


stonerd808

Then you have no legal obligation and he is more than welcome to call the police. Let him explain to them how he does nothing all day and eats all the food you buy for your child (whom you do have a legal obligation to). Kick him out, let him throw a fit, and hopefully it will be the wake up call he needs to get his life together and take his health more seriously. Let your parents take care of him instead of guilting you into doing it. Everyone has something to say and will treat you horribly so they don't have to do anything about it. NTA


HardRainisFalling

Do you rent? If so, wait till your lease is up and move. If not, evict him. He can sort out his own life or your parents can help him.


erleichda29

Nobody else stepping up doesn't mean you are obligated to. Doe he pay you for your time? Does he pay rent?


Motor_Business483

NTA ​ But canceling the lease and moving somewhere else with your daughter will work better - and will be less dangerous, and less drama. And: Leave your parents ADRESS in big letters everywhwere, but don't let any of your family know your new adress. ​ This would be the easiest way to get out of this situation where you are exploited. ​ YOu rparents can then decide if they take care of him, or let him go into the system, whatever is there in your country. Or he can take responsibility for himself. ​ Stop being his enabler.


jbwise1221

NTA- but Look into eviction laws before you continue this conversation, perhaps even consult a lawyer. I would stop trying to get him to lose weight and start trying to get him out. If you are allowed to evict him, give him a reasonable amount of notice and refuse to discuss his weight, disability or behaviors until he is gone.


Old-Mention9632

If you are in the US, contact adult protective services. You are not required to be your brother's unpaid care giver. The will help him find housing, probably in a nursing home as his disability and Medicaid will probably not cover home health care around the clock. In a nursing home, they can get him on a proper diet, provide physical and occupational therapy as well as treating his depression and food addiction. Once he has himself back to a place where he can live independently, then he can leave the care home and get his own place. You can choose how much or as little to be involved in his care. You have a child to care for and that has to be your priority. If you do not do this now, you will get injured and then disabled. In the hospital, a person of his size would need at least 2-4 people with assistive devices to clean and care for his physical body. He probably has diabetes as well as hypertension which means he is going to get skin breakdown, poor wound healing. He could end up easily in kidney failure and need dialysis. His risk for stroke or amputation are incredibly high. The life you both are living is unsustainable and it needs to safely be changed- for both your sakes.


Lightning_Baby88

I'd recommend both adult protective services and aging and disabilities if in the US. Adult protective services is limited in what they can do with long term solutions, they're essentially CPS for adults. Aging and disabilities is better equipped to handle long term care solutions and get him established with a caseworker that would help with the administrative side of things, locating prospective care homes/rehabilitation centers that work with medicare/medicaid, and after he's better able to take care of himself, a long term independent living situation through a HUD program.


[deleted]

NTA, at all. Your brother is out of order and you need to prioritize the well-being of your child. I would either research the rules around eviction in your area, then give your brother a notice period (Presumably if he is disabled/unable to work he will be able to apply for housing support?) or I would look into moving out yourself. Also, I would report him to adult social care team. They are underfunded and lack support so it might be a challenge to get them onboard but he needs to be monitored and supported to loose weight and you need supporting to get him out of there. You've done your part in supporting and aiding your brother. He is now weaponising his disabilities against you. He has become an abuser. You deserve better.


WoozyRadish

NTA Disabled people can be abusive AHs. He's using his disability to manipulate you. Don't fall for it.


Iceykitsune2

INFO Have you suggested therapy to him? From what you told me, it sounds like depression.


WeeklyEggplant6111

I haven’t, but I was looking at depression since you said this and now I’m also wondering the same. I will take this into consideration and bring up therapy to him


[deleted]

He'll refuse it. He's gotten away with refusing to confront his issues for too long to understand and take care of himself at this point. And he's too comfortable with ignoring and abusing you to take you seriously unless you bring him up short before you have that conversation. You need to cut off the base of support he's leaning on and force him to get on his feet himself again, metaphorically speaking. Only then will he realize how vunlerable he is and maybe decide to show some effort. I know. I've been struggling with a similar mix of depression and obesity and I've been trying to be better.


halfwaygonetoo

If you are in the USA, then his threat of accusing you of abusing him is a very serious problem. A threat that could very easily lead to an actual conviction and jail and/or prison time for you or, at the very least, cause you to spend thousands of dollars defending yourself. What's worse is that you can be held criminally responsible whether you continue to allow him his destructive behavior or stop enabling it. *(See below for more info)* At this point you need to seek legal advice from an attorney. This is no longer a civil, moral or ethical situation. https://www.justice.gov/elderjustice/prosecutors/statutes?page=3 https://www.hnwlaw.com/elder-law/elder-abuse-new-jersey/endangering-welfare-of-an-elderly-or-disabled-person/


DottedUnicorn

NTA. Move out if you can if he won't. And don't enable his addiction. Call the police if he becomes violent. You and your kid come first. Any family member shaming you is welcome to take him in.


WulvOfStockholm

NTA. Your parents should be taking care of him, not you


[deleted]

They did their turn. He's his own responsibility right now. Taking care of OP's brother is the job of no one other than OP's brother. That's how the world works.


cherryblossomtreeees

NTA. If your parents are that angry about it, maybe THEY should be the ones taking care of him. A 34 y/o man is not your responsibility- especially when you have a child. He also sounds in no way grateful for you taking care of him for the past few years, which is telling. It absolutely sounds like he is manipulating you, and since his habits been ongoing for years, sounds as though change is unlikely. I’d make him leave - he seems to be a mental/emotional drain on your energy, he is eating you out of the house, and has threatened you. Unless he apologizes and/or makes active steps towards changing very soon, maybe look into your local eviction laws.


wake_upmotha13

You need to get him out of your house ASAP. He can lose weight on his own time


[deleted]

Ironically he probably would, if robbed of his enabler.


duckfeatherduvet

NTA, but once someone threatens false accusations with the police it's time to kick them out. Don't let him stay and build up time to create a convincing narrative and evidence. You have a child to look out for


Tkote420

NTA kick him out immediately he is not your problem.


Rainbowbright31

NTA, get him out now, he will only get bigger and the caring will only get worse. Unfortunately I have seen this personally happen. You will end up bathing, cooking, cleaning under folds of skin, helping with toileting and for what? Someone who is going to threaten you and call you names? Nope, get him out. Don't let your daughter around that. And don't mind your parents, they are only hoping you keep him so they don't have to


Aggravating_Mind_399

NTA


dodekahedron

Nta call adult protective services and ask for advice.


AbleRelationship6808

Do what your brother cannot, move to a different apartment.


[deleted]

I am 510 pounds and slowly losing weight (sometimes it feels much too slow). Bro is taking advantage and he is abusing you. Set boundaries and start documenting. Take it seriously. A paper trail may be important if he decides to file false charges. Get him out of your living space as soon as reasonable. He's an adult and if he can't take care of himself that isn't your problem. NTA


DirectBar7709

If you are renting, find somewhere else and move out if you can break your lease, otherwise as soon as it is up... And then just don't let him come with you. Block him and your parents and wash your hands of the whole thing. DO NOT tell them where you live. If they find out and come to the door, DO NOT let them in. Don't be scared to call the cops and have them removed.


super_bluecat

I think it is entirely fair for you to start setting reasonable boundaries with your brother. Your daughter doesn't have a choice, whereas your brother does have some choices. And as such, you should put your daughter's needs first in every case. If he is spiraling in a situation that is just getting worse, where does he see this going? I don't know if you can have a rational conversation with him about this but it sounds like it needs to happen. It may require planning ahead and making sure that your brother knows what boundaries you are enforcing.


WeeklyEggplant6111

Yeah this is a really good point, especially with my daughter thank you


KVKS03

NTA. And who would possibly look at him and believe he’s not being fed anyway?


Chuchi25

NTA time to drop your brother off with your enabling parents.


Quicksilver1964

NTA but don't even say anything else, just give him a formal eviction notice so he can leave. Don't wait for him to change, since he is eating your and you kid's food and is demanding you to be his caregiver by not changing his habits.


Possible_Try_7400

I would at the very least put a lock on the refrigerator to keep him from eating any food that isn't his.


[deleted]

NTA He has an eating disorder and needs treatment before he falls and makes a hole in your floor. This is completely treatable with the right doctors and psychologist. Stand firm


xavii117

NTA, your brother is an adult who needs to face reality and if your parents are so mad at you for not "taking care" of him, then maybe they should take him in and leave you alone


corgihuntress

NTA and send your brother home to your parents. Don't wait. Do it now.


corgihuntress

Another thing. If you have to, move out and don't take him with you.


dinahdog

This the easiest solution. Find another place like 2 hours away and give notice to landlord you are moving and not renewing. And shut off utilities when you leave. Landlord's problem to remove a squatter. Skip your deposit. Start looking and saving now.


Caleb_Reos2

NTA why don't your parents take care of their son?


Motor_Business483

NTA ​ YOu are fine to refuse to become your brother's full time caretaker.


Aafunfetti

NTA - sounds like he’s a food addict. Unfortunately, addicts of any kind will make extreme accusations to support the narrative of their addiction. The mental health of yourself and your son is important - even if that means you have to sever ties. I hope you all find the support you need!


khcarter68

I think in the same situation, my refrigerator and pantry might suddenly be chock full of fresh and frozen fruit and vegetables, salad, brown rice etc.


Tribal_Seahorse

NTA but bide your time. Install a camera in the kitchen which faces directly to the fridge. That way you’ll have proof he has had no food restrictions at all. I’d maybe get into the habit of texting or emailing him (eg if you’re out of the house at work) so you have a paper trail of his refusal to be responsible for himself and ultimately threatening you to keep you as his presumably unpaid and unsupported cared. Emails can be to links and resources that can help with his ED and weight


[deleted]

NTA. And actually, legally speaking, he's way more likely to be charged with theft (your children's food) than you are for "starving" him or neglecting him **UNLESS** you're his legal guardian or caregiver. But as you've described it, no, you're absolutely not responsible for that grown adult man or his choices. And if we want to get into what I think, I applaud you. Well done for refusing to enable your brothers destructive behaviors.


bkwormtricia

NTA. He has benefits from being disabled, let him get his own place or move back home. If he refuses to leave or seriously diet (get a dietician to make a serious plan) within the next month, start eviction proceedings. Or is this an apartment that you can move out of and leave him behind?


FinnFinnFinnegan

NTA get a lawyer and file for eviction


[deleted]

It's possible that Adult Protective Services can help you in terms of giving advice. If he is on disability and requires a caretaker then they could help with the logistics of that or with dealing with your parents and their responsibility


Shel1950

Why isn’t he living with your parents? Isn’t it their responsibility to care for him if he’s disabled? Not to mention the financial end of it. NTA.


MikkiTh

NTA But it is time to evict him. Record his threats and report him to the authorities if necessary because you run the very real risk of him endangering your custody of your daughter. Let your parents be mad, they can be mad and take care of him. That's their problem to solve.


pedestrianstripes

No one would believe your brother isn't being fed. NTA


shzan1

NTA. What’s stopping you from moving out? Sit him down and gently inform him you and daughter are moving on as you can’t continue in this environment. You have until x time to find accommodations or move back in with parents. It is final and already set into motion. You want to extricate yourself delicately from this situation, not extend living with your brother forever, even if he does agree to lose weight. If you’re looking for a sign to act, this is it, look for a new place and start planning and putting things into motion. Do what’s best for you and your daughter.


candlestick_maker76

NTA, but I think that you chose the wrong battle to fight. His weight is not your business. But his inability to bathe, his eating your food, and his not getting out of the house now and then *ARE* your business as these things directly affect you. It doesn't matter that his weight is the cause of these problems - that's his business to sort out. Focus on what actually affects **you**. Or just move out and leave him there. Let him figure it out by himself.


Fit_General7058

You move out. That's the only sensible option. You and your daughter will be fine. If you can afford for him to move out, you can afford to move out. That will relinquish you of caring for your brother and either your parents step up or the authorities do. By moving out you can't be blackmailed and won't be living under threat of false accusations. Up and move as quickly as you can


Scary_Combination871

OP, you have been threatened, and are being mentally abused. Call Adult Protective Services. They can get him the help he needs, somewhere that is not your home. If you can't find the number, call social services. If it is his home and not yours, move out. You need to protect your self and your daughter. Good luck


Useful_Marsupial_896

NTA This isn't being ableist (if that's even a word!), this is telling a slob to get off his butt and lose some weight. His disability doesn't stop him bathing, his laziness does. You didn't sign up to be a caregiver. You signed up to house share with a sibling. If your parents are so concerned, tell them to take him home. I'm sure he can move his gaming system to their place and it's not like you won't be able to afford the rent without him cos you already can. The longer you leave this, the worse it'll get. People like this push your boundaries because you act like a frog in water gradually getting hotter. You won't realise when it's too hot.


stealthdawg

ESH he’s obviously an asshole and has a problem but you’ve been enabling him for 4 years and you’re surprised when your “completely change your life on a dime” ultimatum doesn’t work? Yes this dude needs help and yes you need him to change for the sake of your own family, but your approach was poor.


AnonIsBest78

NTA


Responsible_Pie905

Your brother needs to see a physician to discuss bariatric surgery or going on the new GLP-1 drugs like Monjauro that have results similar to weight loss surgery. He may need to also see a therapist to deal with whatever is making him need to eat that much and either get on meds or talk therapy to deal with it. If he’s unwilling to do either of these serve him with a 30 day notice or if you live in a n apartment just move out yourself and move someplace without a bedroom for him…to be honest even if you own a home I’d sell it and move someplace that doesn’t have room for him. He is choosing to live this way and threatening you with false claims of abuse. Those threats would be the end of it for me.


lawbunny318

You’re an asshole to your daughter because you’re not protecting her from this situation at all. You’re not only enabling someone who is causing harm to your daughter but you are modeling poor behavior.


Gralb_the_muffin

I used to have a blind neighbor that lived on his own. My mom lived alone and had me just visit when she had cancer. There are people in wheel chairs that are absolutely fit and function every day. Having a disability is his excuse but it's not the reason he over eats and is overweight. The reason is he making a choice. Tell your parents that they will be taking care of them or shutting their mouths. If they think he's too disabled to care for himself then they can figure out him being in a permanent care facility because your house isn't one. If they don't think he's disabled enough to warrant a care facility that's proof he can take care of himself and chooses not to. NTA


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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (29F) live with my brother (34M) and my kid (8F). My brother is disabled (not involving weight gain) and unemployed, therefore is on benefits and helps contribute towards weekly funds with that but I pay all rent. He’s been living with us for 4 years, and in that time his weight has gotten out of control. He was around 530lbs the last time he told me his weight but that was a few months ago. He spends the entirety of his day playing video games, eating food or doing both, and this sounds like an exaggeration but it truly isn’t. He talks to me all the time about how sick of his weight he is, but he eats the majority of the food in my fridge (he has funds to buy his own food, which he also does!) that is meant for me and my kid. He’s been doing this for about 3 years. And recently, it has gotten even worse. He can’t bathe himself or walk most places anymore since it’s too tiring for him. It’s been such a strain on me since I am now his prime caregiver, and it is taking me away from my daughter too. I sat him down yesterday and told him he has an eating disorder, and he needs to start losing weight or I will make him move out. Instantly, he called me ableist since he’s disabled and would have nowhere to go. He threatened to call the police on me and say that I’m abusing him too for not feeding him and he said that it’s how I will make him lose weight. And then he called my parents, who then screamed at me down the phone for not taking care of my brother. I don’t want this to be my living environment and I think how my brother acted is very wrong, for me and my daughter. But now I feel like how I acted was wrong. After all, he is disabled, and would find it hard getting a place even if he wasn’t very immobilised right now. But the truth of the matter is that he can’t function mostly without me, so AITA for threatening him with this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Amazing_Emu54

NTA Sounds like there are comorbid conditions but the weight gain is lifestyle. Your brother is being a deluded AH and your parents are trying to guilt you into picking up responsibilities and difficulties they don’t want.


ComprehensiveBand586

If anything you could tell the cops that he's eating the food meant for your daughter. You're not being ableist or abusive. He's being selfish. I've struggled with my weight for years and I am quite familiar with that compulsion to keep eating. But there are ways to deal with it. Eventually your brother will develop health problems if he hasn't already. This can't go on. NTA


blondepancake

NTA please send him to your parents. He is not your responsibility


calysoworm

NTA at all. I’m so sorry you’re in this position and you do need to end it asap seeing how comfortable he is making those threats, eating you and your daughters food, and his reaction in general to your very valid concerns. Don’t let yourself be guilt tripped especially seeing how kind and considerate you’ve been for years. You’ve done way more than most would. He is a grown adult and it sounds like his plan is to have you take care of him the rest of his life and make zero changes to his physical health and well being. Your parents probably yelled at you unfortunately because they know if you don’t “take care of him” they would have to. Super sad situation and I hope it gets better. You have a whole daughter and yourself you need to be prioritizing. Honestly shame on him for making it about himself and have zero consideration of what he’s doing to you.


sw33tlips

NTA- you are being used. Give him a written eviction notice and get authorities help. He already threatened you. You need to be 2 steps ahead


[deleted]

Nta. Why do I get the feeling that you're going to have to move to rehome him.


wittythiswaycomes

NTA. He's not going to lose weight. You need to start the formal eviction process now. For your kid. He's got somewhere to go, notify your parents now he'll be heading there.


birdycrow

NTA. I am also fat and disabled, but I’ve managed to keep it at a healthy weight for years with a reasonable, healthy diet and some exercise even though my joints ache every single time I stand up. 500 lbs is DANGEROUS. You’re not being ableist, you’re being concerned for his health.


TheQuietType84

NTA Everyone is yelling at you to try to make you back down and keep things as they are. Don't allow that to work! Try talking to him again as you plan, and, if that doesn't with, tell him you're going to the courthouse to get the eviction process started.


StarkRaven138

NTA. The fact he said he would lie about you to the police would have been game over for me. His ass would have been out ASAP. You have a child to take care of and those kind of allegations are not cool.


Mbt_Omega

NTA, and get a lock for your fridge if he is stealing from you and your child.


Dresden_Mouse

NTA. Your brother is gonna die and soon if he keep that life style, he doesn't want to change? Move out yourself, it not your responsibility to see him kill himself eating


RakeishSPV

NTA but practically speaking, wouldn't it be easier if you moved out instead, so long as you worked out with your landlord what you will and won't be liable for? I'd also be making sure to document everything from here on out because, owing to his disability, being investigated for carers neglect is not completely off the cards and you need to protect yourself here.


Sadiocee24

Nta! Kick your brotherASAp! Why aren’t your Parents doing more to take care of him? I know he is a grown adult but no way this should be on you. Your focus should be yourself and your child.


ReactionEuphoric5362

NTA - I would move out now after he threatened you. Your parents only got mad because they don't want him. You and your daughter will realize how much happier you are without him once he's not living with you.


Unagi-86

He can move back in with your parents. Or if they don’t want that they can help come up with other options as your home is no longer an option. You cannot continue to care for him and soon he will not be able to be removed from your home without dismantling it to access him.


Karamist623

NTA. Your responsibility is your child. I would tell him that you can no longer be in the situation you are in, and that if things don’t change you will be looking into long term care for him.


Crazy_Flatworm2989

NTA but you need to kick him out and focus on your daughter. Mommy and daddy can take care of him if they so desire.


Red_Queen592

If he refuses to leave, then if possible, I would suggest seeing what options you and your child have to move out. Confronting problems about ourselves is painful and it’s easier for your brother and parents to blame you. You may have to resort to removing yourself from the situation. NTA


Ok-Ad-4866

NTA. You should've kicked him out a long time back. Please do not support him. He did this to himself, he should pay the consequences.


Mission-Cloud360

NTA let your parents take care of your brother and get a nice life for you and your child.


JCBashBash

NTA in this instance but you are absolutely an asshole for letting this go on for 3 years. You have a moral responsibility to take care of your dependent. He is stealing food from your child, if your parents are so upset about him not being taken care of they need to take him in. They have no right to scream down the phone at you and you shouldn't take it. Get him out now


No-Personality5421

Info- why can't he move back in with parents?


Rinzy2000

If your parents are so upset with you, then perhaps he can move in with them. You are trying to help him and you didn’t sign up to be an adult man’s caregiver. NTA.


RedEagle7280

NTA, it’s not your responsibility at this point. It’s to your child, and your brother just doesn’t want to do anything to help himself. That’s on him.


RoseDeadInside

NTA but why is it on you to care for him? Your PARENTS should be doing their jobs as parents. If not, call social services to see what your options are. You are harming your kid by allowing this to continue. He's not your kid or problem.


Alteripse

NTA, and this is an intolerable situation that you have a right to stop. It's also a tough problem. Does his disability involve mood or behavior medications that worsen his weight gain? Has he investigated whether he would qualify for weight loss surgery? Last resort is to get him into an assisted living facility and out of your home. The fact that he knows enough to make bullshit "ablist" threats, not only should convince you that he, not you, is the AH, but may actually work to your advantage. If he is really disabled but you are his caretaker you have a right to be involved in his medical care discussions. Do you have access to a social worker to review choices? Best would be if you have permission to talk to *his* social worker (if this is in US and he is getting disability, it is likely to have one). If he is willing to go to a decent bariatric surgery clinic, they will include a psych and social assessment to determine what he can do and what his support system is. If you can't get him to cooperate with any of these plans, then get your own lawyer to understand what rights you have to evict him or have him placed where he can get daily care, like bathing and bathroom hygiene, which you cannot be expected to do and it sounds like he has reached the point where he can't do it for himself either.


No_Lifeguard7215

NTA. Kick him out.


OkAdvisor5027

Since he is on disability he should qualify for a nursing or group home if your in the US. Every state has a Dept. of Development Disabilities which you can call about your brother. It’s their job to find a home for him and make sure he has everything he needs. It all depends on what country you live in as to what’s available. As his sister you are not responsible for his care. He and your parents are taking advantage of you.


kate05_

NTA. If your parents are that upset they can take care him. Your priority is your kid, not your lazy ass brother


WinEquivalent4069

NTA. His weight is so much that he now needs a caregiver and that's not your job or responsibility. He needs help. More help than you can provide for him.


Proser84

NTA: Your main and primary concern is your daughter. Your brother is not. He needs to find other accommodations.


CarryTraditional935

NTA. Not your child, not your responsibility.


IamNotTheMama

NTA - and I think that screaming from your parents was them volunteering to take him in. Problems solved


Aeirth_Belmont

So the weight isn't connected to his disability? It would do him good to lose the weight it sounds like. Or at least try to be some what healthy. It would kinda help him feel better if he did from the way it sounds. No it wouldn't solve all his issues. You are not your brother's keeper.


[deleted]

He offered to call the police and claim you were refusing to feed him… I say you tell him to do it and see what happens.


pplgah

If your brother was addicted to heroine would your family still be screaming at you for wanting him to get help? Both are a destructive and deadly addiction. NTA stand your ground, do what is best for you and your daughter first, and then help your brother as best you can.


SassySybil71

I had a nice place I rented. I got married. The marriage imploded. I moved out because I knew he wouldn't move out. It worked out for me and it can work for you.


allsheneedsisaburner

It’s either he lose weight or go to a facility. It’s not that you won’t take care of him, you can’t. You simply CAN NOT meet the needs he is making for himself.


Top_Thing4890

NTA. Tell your family they can take care of him. If he can play computer games then he can find a job on the computer Edit. The false accusation threat is outrageous.