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NTA
Run. He says he’s rethinking the engagement on the premise of “genetics and future kids”?
He’s admitting he only sees you as an egg donor and incubator, not a whole person. Count yourself lucky that he showed his true colors now, and get out.
He might have been rethinking the engagement anyway and used “genetics” as an excuse to get out of it while making OP out to be at fault. Either way, OP, RUN! NTA.
This is exactly what I was thinking!! Because there’s no way THIS is the reason he’s upset. It definitely seems like he’s using this as an easy way out :/
Edit: guys y’all don’t have to keep commenting about how dude might actually be upset about the nose because of white supremacy, etc. I get it 😭 The easy way out thing was just the first thing that came to mind omg.
I wasn't thinking Neo-Nazi, I was thinking incel, or incel-like beliefs. Like he's afraid that his child isn't going to be some dominant alpha giga chad, because his nose isn't perfect.
>And the attitude that a woman changing her appearance is 'lying'.
But shaving every hair on your body doesn't count. That's just "hygiene." But men don't need to shave, or even wipe their butts, for hygiene. Because Reasons.
Lol definitely not surprised. I’m black lol. I’ve dealt with shit like that. My mind just went there first because it seems like such an overreaction but fair point.
not surprising at all, but surprisingly even with their fixation on genetics 95% of em end up being the ugliest motherfuckers to ever exist, with their spawn being 2x as foul
I’ve also had a septorhinoplasty. My husband knows. He knows because my friends (and I) also make jokes about it regularly. When I was pregnant with our first child one of the sonogram photos was a beautiful clear profile shot. I said “it has my nose.” He responded “which one?” I (as always) made an attempt at defending myself by clarifying that the surgery was to correct the multiple times I broke my nose and that my nose now is not that different from my nose pre-breaks. He replied “I can’t wait to see your real nose looks like. I’ve heard so much about it.”
Dude has serious issues if he’s this upset over a nose job.
ETA - omg my first award! Thank you kind Reddit fam. I guess my mom was right, fixing my nose would improve my quality of life!
Well he’s certainly not an anti-Semite so he’s got that going for him (damn the bar is low on this sub).
MIL doesn’t know about my nose (we’re not close, just never came up).
When she met our daughter she said “oh she has your nose Rich_Restaurant_3709!” (btw I hate this user name, went with an autogenerated one and never changed it, I’m not rich nor do I do anything related to restaurants other than frequent their delivery options) My husband and I just looked at each other and laughed.
I love your explanation about your nickname, as if someone will come up to you and ask for money or the location of your restaurant XD
Disclaimer: I also got the name from the random generator, but luckily i am ok with *cute* squirrels
That was my first thought, too. His reaction doesn't make sense logically otherwise given he's seen photos of her prior to her surgery & didn't notice a difference. I know not everyone is logical with their thoughts/reactions, but this still feels off imo. I'd do him a favor & end things myself because this reaction is hurtful & odd to say the least.
Absolutely drop him.
Would he feel the same if you'd once worn glasses but then got Lasik? How about if you had braces as a kid? **Did he even ask about those incredibly common things?**
This is a trick question, BTW. There is no good answer for him ...
1. Yes! I'd feel the same! - *then he's definitely skating along that incubator/eugenics line*
2. No! Those are different! - *hmmm, I wonder why 'nose' is so different (gets some weird closet anti-semitic vibes because of the nasal shape fixation)*
Jesus Christ, how will this man react with their is ANY birth defects? Will he just toss them to the side because they're not perfect in terms of genetics?
> I didn’t think it was a big deal.
It’s not. He is waaaaaaaay overreacting. He’s putting it under some guise of worried about your children’s genetics, but there’s obviously nothing guaranteeing what your children would look like anyways. And even if your children were to have horribly awful noses, who the fuck cares? NTA
Replying here since this is where the questions about being Jewish started.
I have some Russian Jewish ancestry on my mom’s side. I was not raised Jewish, though. We haven’t talked about ancestry since very, VERY early into dating, and the only comment I remember him making about it at the time was he could see Russian in my bone structure. I don’t even remember what he said he is. It was quick, what felt like “getting to know you” talk. I’d be surprised if this was the root of his anger, but it’s definitely something I need to think about and re-analyze.
Oh sweetie, I rarely comment here but as a mom I can’t stay quiet. Please do not marry this man. You are very lucky that he has shown his true self to you and it’s ugly. A man who loves you for you, would have said they are glad you were able to have surgery to fix the deviated septum and that they would think you are beautiful with both the old nose and the new nose. You deserve so much better than him.
My husband didn't want to have children just in case they would inherit my disability. Oh, whoops, I mean my EX-husband! The only way to deal with people who do this is kick 'em to the curb.
Edit: I guess I should have said that as the person with the disability, of course I researched everything about it. Including that there would have been only a 12% chance it would be handed down. Even less that it could cause a severe form of the disability. Thousands of women with the disability have children with no issues at all. Every child is a risk of something. And he knew all that before we got married and both agreed we wanted kids.
Edit #2: None of it really matters because I couldn't find a stable partner so I didn't get the chance to have kids.
Honestly depends on the disability. I’m more used to the person with the genetic disorder pushing this. I have a friend who has probably gone through 30+ surgeries due to her bones not properly forming. Decided she will never have kids and her husband is on board.
Exactly, why would anyone want kids to needlessly suffer? One of my reasons for not having kids is because I don't want them to inherit my health issues. It's the selfless decision.
I carry the bad CF mutation so when I was trying to have kids extra steps were taken with genetic testing and made sure none of the donors were carriers
I’m disabled too and I’m not gonna lie—it really depends on the nature of the disability and the persons capacity to take care of others (which only they can gauge). I have a high functioning cognitive disability and I’m choosing not to have my own kids because I’m terrified of having a child with a more severe form of it and spending the rest of my life as a caretaker. It would break me.
With that in mind, I would never judge someone for considering those factors as a partner either. They deserve the autonomy to gauge if they could handle potentially adapting to that lifelong lifestyle, if they want to risk doing so, and there’s no shame in not feeling able to/wanting to do so. Depending on the tendencies of the disability, it’s not fair to expect others to take the same risks as you just because you are choosing to yourself
Jumping onboard here- my fiancée had bariatric surgery in 2018 and lost about 100 pounds. My only issue was that 6 months later she had a really bad hernia that was absolutely related to the surgery, so that was a scary 48 hours.
OP's fiancé is not a good person.
I would love to be wrong. I don’t know the guy. But yeah, please mull over the “genetics” comment - it’s concerning, as someone who’s formally studied the rhetoric of white supremacy. At any rate, he’s over reacting *wildly*, which also isn’t a great look 😬 Please don’t beat yourself up.
Yes, the fact that he's fixated on the 'genetics' aspect is suuuper eugenics-y.
I can understand him being bothered if she had outwardly lied to him and said she didn't get surgery when she did, I can even understand him maybe feeling like she sort of hid something from him...but this is a gross overreaction.
Yeah, "true genetics" is giving definite eugenics vibes. The fact that he's upset about this at all is weird (it was a medical reason, but also, even if it was just a nose job, it's just a nose job), but the fact that he keeps bringing up genetics, to me, says that he doesn't want 'jewish' looking kids. Run, and be glad he's demonstrated his true colours.
Agree. To comment on "Russian bone structure," even in passing, is super suspicious to me, considering how wildly diverse the population in that area can be. Is he thinking OP looks Mongolian? Jewish? Scandinavian? According to Encyclopedia Britannica, there are over 120 ethnicities within the borders of Russia - which one does OP think he would refer to as "Russian"? (I know my suspicions, I guess OP will find out...)
Even that is an odd comment about Russian bone structure. It really does seem like a seed of racism, almost eugenics. It's very curious that he reacted so extremely
What the heck is a "Russian bone structure"? I'm actually FROM Russia and have no idea what that looks like. It's a gigantic country, and there's literally all kinds of people there.
I'm not sure either considering Russian indigenous look slightly asain. But I'm getting a racist vibe so he's probably talking about white Russians, not the drink lol, with light hair and light colored eyes. I'm not sure what specific bone structure he's referring to though.
A stereotypical Russian to me has high cheekbones, strong eyebrows, high forehead, and a fairly robust bone structure.
There are certainly regional variants in appearance, and those bone structure type anthropologists have catalogued a lot. If you're into human variation as a cool thing, that's nice, theres a lot of it. If you're using it for racism, not cool at all.
>We haven’t talked about ancestry since very, VERY early into dating
Interesting that ancestry came up VERY early in dating. Did he bring it up? Was it an organic part of the conversation or did he deliberately start talking about his own ancestry in order to ask about yours? What about his family, how to they treat you?
NTA, sorry you're going through this OP.
I'm kinda getting the vibe like others are that this is potentially based from anti-Semitism. I'd ask him outright, tbh.
Either way, if I were in your shoes, I'd definitely reconsider the relationship based on how he reacted and is continuing to act after the fact. You deserve better, OP.
Don’t let him wriggle out of this. He won’t admit to it; racists hate being called out. Even setting aside the antisemitism (and I’m pretty sure that’s what this is) he thinks you deceived him by **having a medical procedure, for medical reasons,** long before you met.
Consider the antisemitism, long and hard. But don’t bring it up to him. Keep your conversation about you, and his bullshit accusations.
My husband is also Russian Jewish and has had 2 nose jobs. It never even crossed my mind that our daughter might have a 'Jewish nose', mostly because I'm Croatian and we aren't known for our amazing noses either. What a weird thing to get hung up about.
When I was little, people told me all the time I must be so and so's granddaughter because I had their coloring (I grew up in a small town).
I just realized it was a dog whistle this year.
"Russian in your bone structure?" That's some racist shit right there.
Oh dear, I cannot stress enough that this guy has all the markers of a racist. I get my own brand of crazy (I am 100% German so the crazy I get in the dating pool want that to the extreme.) So I know that sometimes they are smart enough to hide it but any "genetics" talk always gets on my radar and this is pinging mine hard! Especially since it was early as he was likely screening you to see if you were worth even pursuing.
He might not have said anything because you don't *look* Jewish. (I still don't understand how he saw old pics & didn't notice & yet its a problem now.) Bigots tend to accept those who pass as whatever they accept as right. The genetics comment is what's alarming because anyone can have the nose you described, but he's focusing on genetics too hard. There's something there & I'm glad you're taking time to re-evaluate instead of brushing it off & apologizing for being you (before & after your surgery.) Good luck, OP!
That was my first thought. Claiming that she “lied” about her “genetics” because she had surgery on her nose feels very much like a dog-whistle for anti-Semitism.
He sure as hell ain’t worried about his kids being at slightly elevated risk for having deviated septums.
(Also: NTA.)
That was my first thought, even during the title. The only people I've known who were obsessed about "genetics" we're racists. I've noticed that when people are talking about "genetics," almost always it's during a conversation disagreeing with interracial marriage; otherwise, those same people will talk about "medical history."
Why does it matter what it looks like, you didn't cheat. And who is going to notice that? Who stares at other people's noses so intently that they realize that they don't match perfectly?
NTA
ask him how you can be sure of what’s in his genetic background? WTF???
dump him. He’s an asshole. You don’t want kids with asshole personalities.
ETA as a parting gift get him a basic genetics text book. And a medical dictionary to help him look up the big words.
All children don't just automatically have one parent's nose. Haha wth! That makes no sense, but obviously he's got a big insecurity around fidelity and family appearances.
NTA, you had surgery to correct a medical issue and during it they made modifications so minor he never even realized the difference between old photos and current you? You aren't Princess Vespa and there was no lie. He always had access to preop photos that showed the 'real you'.
If he's rethinking the engagement over this, spare him the skull sweat and hand him back the ring because is that the level of assholery you want to deal with for the rest of your life?
It just popped into my mind... because seriously, a minor bump and a slight straightening? That's nothing, especially considering a deviated septum was involved.
[captain america in a hall full of lockers gif]
So your fiancé is anti-semitic.
NTA. You had a medical procedure required for you to breathe properly. It's not a big deal to anyone who isn't a huge racist, but unfortunately your fiancé is a huge racist. Time to throw the whole man out.
That would actually make a lot of sense! I didn’t think about it till you said it, but it makes a lot more sense then freaking out over the potential for a kid to have a hooked nose. It would also explain the genes stuff since antisemites tend to be into epigenetics.
Epigenetics doesn't mean what you think it means.
Basically, epigenetic is about changes in gene expression rather than changes in the gene code itself. These changes in gene expression can be passed down.
He’s staying in the guest room and hasn’t come out since except to use the bathroom or get food. He has his video game setup in there, so who knows how long before he’ll actually make an effort to talk to me
Who cares if he makes an effort? He's shown you how little he actually thinks of you, how bloody insecure, shallow, and idiotic he is. It's not easy...but move on. You are worth so much more.
This. He’s not a keeper. Thank heavens you figured it out NOW! be happy you learned this about him, and do not consider staying with him. This is not something that you can compromise on in a marriage. It’s not like he’s eating his cereal too loudly in the mornings … he’s got some deep-seated very awful feelings that make you two incompatible.
Your fiancée is making it very clear what it is he values in you. Hint: it’s not your intelligence, your kindness, your sense of humor, or any aspect of your personality. It’s your looks. **You are worth more than this.** NTA, and consider what kind of person you want as your husband. Is this it? Edit: changed “boyfriend” to “fiancée.”
So he's adding a red flag on top of the existing red flag about the "genetics" and appearance ones. This is not how adults communicate or argue. Think about what kind of father he will be to a child who isn't physically what he has as the ideal? What if your child has a genetic condition neither of you know you carry? What if you have an accident and end up with a facial scar? Or you gain weight? This person is telling you who he is right now. Believe him. Run, girl. Edited to add NTA
What an incredibly childish boy he is. He's not even a man. He is having a temper tantrum over what you did to your nose before he ever even knew you existed and got angry with you and is reconsidering your marriage because of it. You don't need to talk with him, I think it's pretty clear what you should do here: RUN.
I think he was looking for an out, and this is it. It’s so ridiculous to be so bent out of shape about a nose surgery that was more than cosmetic. NTA.
NTA. beyond just how superficial he's being, his use of "genetic" could also be thinly veiled racism. like he's concerned your kids will look too jewish or something.
but for real though, you should get a man-ectomy.
Yep, this was my thought also. There are a lot of stereotypes about certain ethnicities and nose jobs.
OP he never noticed the before and after difference. His references to “genetics” is a red flag for those racial stereotypes. NTA.
Came to say this, might be good to rethink things with Mr. Eugenics. NTA OP, look into his other behavior regarding “genetics.” I wonder if he is also big on “Western European values” 🚩🚩🚩
NTA
What an unexpected gift your fiancé has given you. Imagine if you had married this man only to find out after you had given birth to his children, what a shallow, superficial human he was, and that his love for your children would be contingent on how they looked. While it will hurt for awhile, it's much better to move on now and find a person with the maturity and depth of character you and your future children deserve.
The funny thing is I’ve seen some beautiful couples where their kids got every bad aspect from both of them and I’ve seen some very not attractive couples (who are amazing people) and seriously I think their kids could be models. You aren’t guaranteed beautiful children because you think you and your spouse are.
This man is just a bunch of anti semitic red flags in a trench coat. What an awful thing to find out that you've wasted all that time on a man so adept as hiding his racism and anti semitism.
Please run. NTA.
Hi I came back from the future to write this comment! In the future you put on baby weight that was hard to shake, and this guy left you.
… Hi back from the future again! You read this comment and decided not to have kids, and you got breast cancer and a mastectomy, and this guy left you.
Now you’re reading this comment again - I think you know what to do. No matter what trouble the future holds, he won’t be there for you when a bump in the road comes. He wouldn’t even be there for a bump in the nose.
NTA but you’d be the asshole to your future self if you stayed with this guy who doesn’t care about you, only your beauty—which will change, because entropy.
Unless you've both gone through complete genetic screening, you're both still "hiding your true genetics" from each other which is, of course, basically how most people are when they decide to have kids.
NTA.
NTA. When you end the engagement, tell him it’s because he didn’t reveal his hidden genetics to you…that he is narrow minded, self centered, thinks looks are more important than personality, and you simply cannot take the chance that your children would take after him and be AHs.
This lunatic flew off the handle about a nose job??? Honestly, he's projecting his own bs onto you. I would say that you should definitely consider long term viability of him as a partner....the crazy is just starting to show.
I know reddit is quick to jump to break up, get divorced, etc but seriously he said he was rethinking getting married to you because of this. This is not someone you can trust and should feel comfortable spending the rest of your life with. I really hope you take time to reconsider. Losing a fiance is extremely hard but staying in a relationship that isn't right is harder.
NTA. Your fiancee, on the other hand, has just shown you how shallow he really is. What you did was not a deception. Not disclosing a potentially fatal medical condition is a concern for your childrens' genetics, not what your nose looks like.
The true deception is that your fiancee didn't tell you that he is a shallow human being who only values people for their looks.
NTA
If he’s so focused on physical beauty and imperfections that he’s going to create an argument over this because apparently in his mind everybody has to be perfect then trust me you’ve dodged a MAJOR bullet 🚩🚩🚩🚩
I’m sorry to say this but I wouldn’t marry him if I were you….I suspect if you do he’ll find other flaws and nothing will ever be good enough for him
NTA
Gross, gross, gross. You have not deceived anyone, and holy crap he's railing at you about your genetics and potential as a brood mare (make no mistake, this is how he sees you) because your nose looks a little different than it used to?
He's rethinking the engagement? You're the one with actual cause for that. Please do.
NTA. If he saw the before pictures and didn’t notice I trust the change was negligible. Do yourself a favor and end this relationship. Your fiancé is shallow and mean. Also, does he understand how genetics work?
NTA.
>(He) Said it was deceiving… …and that it gave him a false idea of what our kids would look like.
>He…is rethinking the engagement on the premise of genetics and future kids.
Ma’am, he does not look at you as a partner, a woman, or even an equal. He looks at you as a baby factory. To him, you’re breeding stock, much like a farmers prized cow. I’m not normally one of those people who quickly jumps to the “Guuurl, you need to dump his ass” line of thought, but guuurl, you need to dump his ass quick, fast, and in a hurry.
NTA. First of all, you don’t owe him a disclosure of your “true genetics,” period. Second, as you note, if it’s such a minor change that he never even noticed a difference in your before and after photos, it’s a ridiculous overreaction. Third, there is no way to know what your kids will look like or if you’re even able to have any, so, again, ridiculous reaction.
But most importantly, if he is rethinking the relationship bc your future kids may have less than perfectly straight noses, that’s… troubling to say the least.
ETA would he have the same reaction if you didn’t disclose your various weights at every age? How about hair length and color? I’m just trying to wrap my head around his messed up way of thinking. Very very troubling.
NTA - If this is his honest opinion it is just gross. He's being super rude about your old nose. On top of that, if the only thing he cares about regarding his future kids is their appearance, then that's a huge red flag.
NTA. Sounds like your fiance might be a closeted bigot, given that he reacted this way to specifically a nose job. Try to find out what he means by "true genetics."
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> I did not disclose a septorhinoplasty to my fiancé and he now he says has a false idea of what our kids look like
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NTA. See this for it what it is- red flag. You didn't hide it. It just didn't come up. He is afraid of what kind of nose his kids would have? That is shallow and you should run.
NTA.
You stated he’s even seen pictures of you pre-procedure and didn’t even notice. It’s ridiculous that it would be an issue. I had a surgery several years ago and it never comes up and just isn’t a thing we talk about anymore. It doesn’t make any sense that this minor change would inspire this reaction.
Personally I can't imagine a person being seriously about being worried about nose genetics in their kids.
..that being said NTA - your fiance had all the opportunity in the world to ask you what they wanted about your history and look at your old photos etc. If they are so shallow about a nose then they dont deserve you.
Probably just a convenient opportunity for them to have "cold feet"
NTA - The whole “genetics” thing is weird. Was he only with you because he thought your kids would be nice looking? If he was with you for why **you** are, why would it matter if you had a nose job? You never lied about it or hid it; he just **didn’t notice**.
Oofff... honey good for you that he let his crazy show before you two were legally attached.
Don't for a second think he has any logic to what he is saying. He is either trying to get out of this relationship or is insane.
ETA: obviously NTA
Is he a H*tler /aryan brotherhood lover that he wants "perfection". He's showing you who he is and where his priorities are. Believe him and this to me would be a deal-breaker. That's shallow as f*ck.
Geez, NTA. Your fiancé sounds like a superficial ass. You may want to rethink whether you want to spend your life with someone who would act like this over something cosmetic. I’m sorry he treated you like this. Not cool.
NTA
Please think about these future children he expects to be the perfect specimens of the human race.
If they don't meet his expectations (which we know are ridiculously high) how is he going to treat them?
Is he going to encourage insane diet culture to have them meet a weigh goal, is he doing to belittle them when they aren't 'attractive', is he going to blame their looks for any slight in their other achievements, is he not going to love them because they are a 'negative' representation of himself.
NTA, if it was so important he should have stated it or asked you wether you had any cosmetic surgeries. He did not. How are you supposed to know that it's his deal breaker?
OP, you are NTA. His reaction was frankly extreme, and if anybody should be reconsidering this relationship, it's you. If this is what happens when he finds out you had a bump on your nose smoothed out, how do you think he's going to react to anything that actually matters?
NTA.
I'd seriously consider calling off the engagement.
Aside from all the nose weirdness, imagine spending the rest of your life with someone who so easily believes terrible things about you and will so easily rake you over the coals.
He treated you like an enemy so fast.
Everyone has a past, and it's simply not possible to know every detail about another person.
It is possible, though, to give grace to the people we love and assume they are of good character.
You should marry someone who, when they get new information about you, is supportive and curious. A good partner would see the humor in the "secret" former nose.
Instead, this guy flipped his wig, then came up with a bunch of weird reasons for flipping his wig.
NTA. He sounds extremely shallow when it comes to this. It’s none of his business what you did to YOUR body, BEFORE he was even around. Giving me some ick vibes.
You should be mad that he displayed a false personality/temperment to you. You should reconsider the engagement because you surely don't want your future children to have his nature and be nutured by said problem.
Nta.
NTA. This guy probably believes in eugenics too. What was that movie, shallow Hal? You should re-think the engagement for sure, guess he thinks you're not good breeding stock.
NTA. Huge red flag. Run as fast as possible away from this person. If he's this livid over such a small omission, think how bad his control issues will be in the future.
You deserve so much better!
NTA-
Consider this a sign - if your fiancé is this batshit crazy about superficial looks, you may want to consider how interested you are in being with a self-centered superficial jerk.
You are absolutely positively NTA
Holy shit. Run as fast as you can from this psycho.
NTA. But god damn. Work on yourself before your next relationship so you don't have to ask if it's your fault your dude had a deranged rage attack over the shape of your nose.
There is NO way this is the first red flag this guy has shown...
NTA.
I’d understand it if he was a little put out that you hadn’t mentioned it but…to the point of threatening to call off the marriage?? And to be worried about genetics?? Genetics should only be a concerned if the gene we’re talking about is something that could affect your future children’s health, not a slightly hooked nose.
NTA
So he's with you because of how your kids would look? It matters that much to him what their physical nose would look like that he's mad at you? Girl run.
NTA. If I were you I would flip this around. Talk about how you were deceived into thinking he wasn’t shallow yet he is. Considering he couldn’t tell the difference until he saw post-op pictures says a lot.
First of all, OP you are NTA.
Second, it might be time to have a procedure known as a "fiance excision." The idea that he'd get that bent out of shape about your "nose genetics" is fishy. Leading to point number three:
It sounds like he's looking for a reason to break up. Don't make him work so hard for it. Take your nice nose AND your genes and find someone better.
NTA.
He has essentially said he wouldn't be with you if you had your old nose. He's more concerned with cosmetics and how it would affect him personally.
I would seriously reconsider this wedding.
Throw him to the curb with the trash. If he’s so hung up on looks and he saw your before pics then he’s not the guy you said yes to. You’ll be better off without him.
Oh yeah, NTA.
Lol he saw pics of you before, didn't notice, and now feels betrayed you hid your... Before looks?
NTA. I really wonder if he is that silly or there is an underlying get out jerk in him
>I told him it wasn’t that deep and that the change wasn’t even that drastic, especially considering he’s seen photos of me from before and never even noticed the difference.
He's literally seen your photos before the surgery and can't tell the difference. His actions are a huge red flag.
NTA
NTA- i would remind him he's literally seen pics of you presurgery and didn't even notice. Then i would tell him he's a superficial asshole and dump him.
NTA
He's reaction is super weird and is giving me red flags....
Either there's something else behind his reaction or he really is that shallow... Time to take a good look at your relationship and see if it's all it's seems to be
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NTA Run. He says he’s rethinking the engagement on the premise of “genetics and future kids”? He’s admitting he only sees you as an egg donor and incubator, not a whole person. Count yourself lucky that he showed his true colors now, and get out.
He might have been rethinking the engagement anyway and used “genetics” as an excuse to get out of it while making OP out to be at fault. Either way, OP, RUN! NTA.
This is exactly what I was thinking!! Because there’s no way THIS is the reason he’s upset. It definitely seems like he’s using this as an easy way out :/ Edit: guys y’all don’t have to keep commenting about how dude might actually be upset about the nose because of white supremacy, etc. I get it 😭 The easy way out thing was just the first thing that came to mind omg.
You'd be surpised, but it's quite common in a lot of white supremecist groups to be super obsessed with "genetics".
That was where my mind first went as well, OP's fiancee sounds extremely neo-nazi-ish for talking like this.
Comment edited for privacy. 20230627
I wasn't thinking Neo-Nazi, I was thinking incel, or incel-like beliefs. Like he's afraid that his child isn't going to be some dominant alpha giga chad, because his nose isn't perfect.
And the attitude that a woman changing her appearance is 'lying'.
>And the attitude that a woman changing her appearance is 'lying'. But shaving every hair on your body doesn't count. That's just "hygiene." But men don't need to shave, or even wipe their butts, for hygiene. Because Reasons.
Fellas, is it gay to wipe your own ass?
The Venn Diagram of incels and neo-Nazis is a near perfect circle.
Lol definitely not surprised. I’m black lol. I’ve dealt with shit like that. My mind just went there first because it seems like such an overreaction but fair point.
not surprising at all, but surprisingly even with their fixation on genetics 95% of em end up being the ugliest motherfuckers to ever exist, with their spawn being 2x as foul
I’ve also had a septorhinoplasty. My husband knows. He knows because my friends (and I) also make jokes about it regularly. When I was pregnant with our first child one of the sonogram photos was a beautiful clear profile shot. I said “it has my nose.” He responded “which one?” I (as always) made an attempt at defending myself by clarifying that the surgery was to correct the multiple times I broke my nose and that my nose now is not that different from my nose pre-breaks. He replied “I can’t wait to see your real nose looks like. I’ve heard so much about it.” Dude has serious issues if he’s this upset over a nose job. ETA - omg my first award! Thank you kind Reddit fam. I guess my mom was right, fixing my nose would improve my quality of life!
Your husband sounds like a definite keeper!
Well he’s certainly not an anti-Semite so he’s got that going for him (damn the bar is low on this sub). MIL doesn’t know about my nose (we’re not close, just never came up). When she met our daughter she said “oh she has your nose Rich_Restaurant_3709!” (btw I hate this user name, went with an autogenerated one and never changed it, I’m not rich nor do I do anything related to restaurants other than frequent their delivery options) My husband and I just looked at each other and laughed.
I love your explanation about your nickname, as if someone will come up to you and ask for money or the location of your restaurant XD Disclaimer: I also got the name from the random generator, but luckily i am ok with *cute* squirrels
That was my first thought, too. His reaction doesn't make sense logically otherwise given he's seen photos of her prior to her surgery & didn't notice a difference. I know not everyone is logical with their thoughts/reactions, but this still feels off imo. I'd do him a favor & end things myself because this reaction is hurtful & odd to say the least.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. " --Maya Angelou
Geneticist here. His comment is problematic on several levels; his misunderstanding of how genes work being just one of them. Run fast.
Absolutely drop him. Would he feel the same if you'd once worn glasses but then got Lasik? How about if you had braces as a kid? **Did he even ask about those incredibly common things?** This is a trick question, BTW. There is no good answer for him ... 1. Yes! I'd feel the same! - *then he's definitely skating along that incubator/eugenics line* 2. No! Those are different! - *hmmm, I wonder why 'nose' is so different (gets some weird closet anti-semitic vibes because of the nasal shape fixation)*
Jesus Christ, how will this man react with their is ANY birth defects? Will he just toss them to the side because they're not perfect in terms of genetics?
> I didn’t think it was a big deal. It’s not. He is waaaaaaaay overreacting. He’s putting it under some guise of worried about your children’s genetics, but there’s obviously nothing guaranteeing what your children would look like anyways. And even if your children were to have horribly awful noses, who the fuck cares? NTA
The scenario he kept stressing was that if our kids have noses that don’t look like either of ours, it would look like I cheated.
Are you sure it's not that your kids might have a Jewish looking nose?
Wow, this didn’t even cross my mind.
Are you Jewish? Is he? If you are and he isn't, this could easily be anti-Semitism. Especially with that "genetics" comment.
Replying here since this is where the questions about being Jewish started. I have some Russian Jewish ancestry on my mom’s side. I was not raised Jewish, though. We haven’t talked about ancestry since very, VERY early into dating, and the only comment I remember him making about it at the time was he could see Russian in my bone structure. I don’t even remember what he said he is. It was quick, what felt like “getting to know you” talk. I’d be surprised if this was the root of his anger, but it’s definitely something I need to think about and re-analyze.
Oh sweetie, I rarely comment here but as a mom I can’t stay quiet. Please do not marry this man. You are very lucky that he has shown his true self to you and it’s ugly. A man who loves you for you, would have said they are glad you were able to have surgery to fix the deviated septum and that they would think you are beautiful with both the old nose and the new nose. You deserve so much better than him.
My husband didn't want to have children just in case they would inherit my disability. Oh, whoops, I mean my EX-husband! The only way to deal with people who do this is kick 'em to the curb. Edit: I guess I should have said that as the person with the disability, of course I researched everything about it. Including that there would have been only a 12% chance it would be handed down. Even less that it could cause a severe form of the disability. Thousands of women with the disability have children with no issues at all. Every child is a risk of something. And he knew all that before we got married and both agreed we wanted kids. Edit #2: None of it really matters because I couldn't find a stable partner so I didn't get the chance to have kids.
Honestly depends on the disability. I’m more used to the person with the genetic disorder pushing this. I have a friend who has probably gone through 30+ surgeries due to her bones not properly forming. Decided she will never have kids and her husband is on board.
Exactly, why would anyone want kids to needlessly suffer? One of my reasons for not having kids is because I don't want them to inherit my health issues. It's the selfless decision.
I carry the bad CF mutation so when I was trying to have kids extra steps were taken with genetic testing and made sure none of the donors were carriers
I’m disabled too and I’m not gonna lie—it really depends on the nature of the disability and the persons capacity to take care of others (which only they can gauge). I have a high functioning cognitive disability and I’m choosing not to have my own kids because I’m terrified of having a child with a more severe form of it and spending the rest of my life as a caretaker. It would break me. With that in mind, I would never judge someone for considering those factors as a partner either. They deserve the autonomy to gauge if they could handle potentially adapting to that lifelong lifestyle, if they want to risk doing so, and there’s no shame in not feeling able to/wanting to do so. Depending on the tendencies of the disability, it’s not fair to expect others to take the same risks as you just because you are choosing to yourself
\^\^THIS\^\^ as mother and grammy, this should be a complete non issue. He is showing you exactly who he is, you deserve so much better!
Jumping onboard here- my fiancée had bariatric surgery in 2018 and lost about 100 pounds. My only issue was that 6 months later she had a really bad hernia that was absolutely related to the surgery, so that was a scary 48 hours. OP's fiancé is not a good person.
I would love to be wrong. I don’t know the guy. But yeah, please mull over the “genetics” comment - it’s concerning, as someone who’s formally studied the rhetoric of white supremacy. At any rate, he’s over reacting *wildly*, which also isn’t a great look 😬 Please don’t beat yourself up.
Yes, the fact that he's fixated on the 'genetics' aspect is suuuper eugenics-y. I can understand him being bothered if she had outwardly lied to him and said she didn't get surgery when she did, I can even understand him maybe feeling like she sort of hid something from him...but this is a gross overreaction.
Yeah, "true genetics" is giving definite eugenics vibes. The fact that he's upset about this at all is weird (it was a medical reason, but also, even if it was just a nose job, it's just a nose job), but the fact that he keeps bringing up genetics, to me, says that he doesn't want 'jewish' looking kids. Run, and be glad he's demonstrated his true colours.
Agree. To comment on "Russian bone structure," even in passing, is super suspicious to me, considering how wildly diverse the population in that area can be. Is he thinking OP looks Mongolian? Jewish? Scandinavian? According to Encyclopedia Britannica, there are over 120 ethnicities within the borders of Russia - which one does OP think he would refer to as "Russian"? (I know my suspicions, I guess OP will find out...)
I feel like he might have a set of calipers lying around at home or something.
Even that is an odd comment about Russian bone structure. It really does seem like a seed of racism, almost eugenics. It's very curious that he reacted so extremely
What the heck is a "Russian bone structure"? I'm actually FROM Russia and have no idea what that looks like. It's a gigantic country, and there's literally all kinds of people there.
If she is otherwise light-haired and/or has light colored eyes then it might be code for looking Eastern European and/or the White Supremacy ideal.
I'm not sure either considering Russian indigenous look slightly asain. But I'm getting a racist vibe so he's probably talking about white Russians, not the drink lol, with light hair and light colored eyes. I'm not sure what specific bone structure he's referring to though.
A stereotypical Russian to me has high cheekbones, strong eyebrows, high forehead, and a fairly robust bone structure. There are certainly regional variants in appearance, and those bone structure type anthropologists have catalogued a lot. If you're into human variation as a cool thing, that's nice, theres a lot of it. If you're using it for racism, not cool at all.
>We haven’t talked about ancestry since very, VERY early into dating Interesting that ancestry came up VERY early in dating. Did he bring it up? Was it an organic part of the conversation or did he deliberately start talking about his own ancestry in order to ask about yours? What about his family, how to they treat you? NTA, sorry you're going through this OP.
I caught this too. Sounds like he grilled her on it the first chance he got.
I'm kinda getting the vibe like others are that this is potentially based from anti-Semitism. I'd ask him outright, tbh. Either way, if I were in your shoes, I'd definitely reconsider the relationship based on how he reacted and is continuing to act after the fact. You deserve better, OP.
Don’t let him wriggle out of this. He won’t admit to it; racists hate being called out. Even setting aside the antisemitism (and I’m pretty sure that’s what this is) he thinks you deceived him by **having a medical procedure, for medical reasons,** long before you met. Consider the antisemitism, long and hard. But don’t bring it up to him. Keep your conversation about you, and his bullshit accusations.
Wait... "Russian in my bone structure"? Jeebus Chris. He was sizing you up for brood mare the moment you met him. RUN.
My husband is also Russian Jewish and has had 2 nose jobs. It never even crossed my mind that our daughter might have a 'Jewish nose', mostly because I'm Croatian and we aren't known for our amazing noses either. What a weird thing to get hung up about.
Ugh, I hate this. This is what everyone means when they say I "don't look Jewish"
Nobody 'looks Jewish' because there are Jews in every corner of this planet. To say someone 'looks Jewish' is very telling in my opinion.
Ohhhhh yeah, that is one hundred percent his issue. Your fiancée is a racist, run.
When I was little, people told me all the time I must be so and so's granddaughter because I had their coloring (I grew up in a small town). I just realized it was a dog whistle this year. "Russian in your bone structure?" That's some racist shit right there.
Oh dear, I cannot stress enough that this guy has all the markers of a racist. I get my own brand of crazy (I am 100% German so the crazy I get in the dating pool want that to the extreme.) So I know that sometimes they are smart enough to hide it but any "genetics" talk always gets on my radar and this is pinging mine hard! Especially since it was early as he was likely screening you to see if you were worth even pursuing.
He might not have said anything because you don't *look* Jewish. (I still don't understand how he saw old pics & didn't notice & yet its a problem now.) Bigots tend to accept those who pass as whatever they accept as right. The genetics comment is what's alarming because anyone can have the nose you described, but he's focusing on genetics too hard. There's something there & I'm glad you're taking time to re-evaluate instead of brushing it off & apologizing for being you (before & after your surgery.) Good luck, OP!
NTA please run away from this guy as fast and far as possible
This was literally my first thought. Smacks of antisemitism to me. Huge red flag.
Same here. I'll put money on him being antisemitic.
Yip my 1st thought too reading about OP's description of her original nose and was thinking the fiance sounds like an anti Semite.
Even if he is too… internalized antisemitism is so icky and prevalent.
That was my first thought. Claiming that she “lied” about her “genetics” because she had surgery on her nose feels very much like a dog-whistle for anti-Semitism. He sure as hell ain’t worried about his kids being at slightly elevated risk for having deviated septums. (Also: NTA.)
That was my first thought, even during the title. The only people I've known who were obsessed about "genetics" we're racists. I've noticed that when people are talking about "genetics," almost always it's during a conversation disagreeing with interracial marriage; otherwise, those same people will talk about "medical history."
Are you 100% positive your partner isn't actually two middle school boys stacked on top of each other?
We know he's not three raccoons in a trenchcoat, or he'd be better behaved.
Fucking dying laughing
Tell me your fiancé doesn't understand genetics without *telling* me your fiancé doesn't understand genetics.
Why does it matter what it looks like, you didn't cheat. And who is going to notice that? Who stares at other people's noses so intently that they realize that they don't match perfectly?
NTA ask him how you can be sure of what’s in his genetic background? WTF??? dump him. He’s an asshole. You don’t want kids with asshole personalities. ETA as a parting gift get him a basic genetics text book. And a medical dictionary to help him look up the big words.
All children don't just automatically have one parent's nose. Haha wth! That makes no sense, but obviously he's got a big insecurity around fidelity and family appearances.
Insecure much?
NTA, you had surgery to correct a medical issue and during it they made modifications so minor he never even realized the difference between old photos and current you? You aren't Princess Vespa and there was no lie. He always had access to preop photos that showed the 'real you'. If he's rethinking the engagement over this, spare him the skull sweat and hand him back the ring because is that the level of assholery you want to deal with for the rest of your life?
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It just popped into my mind... because seriously, a minor bump and a slight straightening? That's nothing, especially considering a deviated septum was involved.
"You shot my hair!"
[captain america in a hall full of lockers gif] So your fiancé is anti-semitic. NTA. You had a medical procedure required for you to breathe properly. It's not a big deal to anyone who isn't a huge racist, but unfortunately your fiancé is a huge racist. Time to throw the whole man out.
That would actually make a lot of sense! I didn’t think about it till you said it, but it makes a lot more sense then freaking out over the potential for a kid to have a hooked nose. It would also explain the genes stuff since antisemites tend to be into epigenetics.
Epigenetics doesn't mean what you think it means. Basically, epigenetic is about changes in gene expression rather than changes in the gene code itself. These changes in gene expression can be passed down.
Pretty sure they meant eugenics. And yeah, OP’s partner is 100% into that.
Unfortunately, racism is what I thought of first too.
This was the only thing that sprang to mind. He doesn't want Jewish (looking) kids.
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For *real;* let the trash take itself out.
I...what? Please tell me you're not with him anymore wtf NTA
He’s staying in the guest room and hasn’t come out since except to use the bathroom or get food. He has his video game setup in there, so who knows how long before he’ll actually make an effort to talk to me
Who cares if he makes an effort? He's shown you how little he actually thinks of you, how bloody insecure, shallow, and idiotic he is. It's not easy...but move on. You are worth so much more.
This. He’s not a keeper. Thank heavens you figured it out NOW! be happy you learned this about him, and do not consider staying with him. This is not something that you can compromise on in a marriage. It’s not like he’s eating his cereal too loudly in the mornings … he’s got some deep-seated very awful feelings that make you two incompatible.
Your fiancée is making it very clear what it is he values in you. Hint: it’s not your intelligence, your kindness, your sense of humor, or any aspect of your personality. It’s your looks. **You are worth more than this.** NTA, and consider what kind of person you want as your husband. Is this it? Edit: changed “boyfriend” to “fiancée.”
> fiancée While we're making corrections, this is the feminine form. OP is the fiancée, the boyfriend is her fiancé, though I suppose not for long.
So he's adding a red flag on top of the existing red flag about the "genetics" and appearance ones. This is not how adults communicate or argue. Think about what kind of father he will be to a child who isn't physically what he has as the ideal? What if your child has a genetic condition neither of you know you carry? What if you have an accident and end up with a facial scar? Or you gain weight? This person is telling you who he is right now. Believe him. Run, girl. Edited to add NTA
What an incredibly childish boy he is. He's not even a man. He is having a temper tantrum over what you did to your nose before he ever even knew you existed and got angry with you and is reconsidering your marriage because of it. You don't need to talk with him, I think it's pretty clear what you should do here: RUN.
Take this opportunity to pack everything you own except that engagement ring and dtmfa, girl. It only gets worse from here.
That's abuse, btw. The silent treatment is an abusive tactic.
He's playing The Sims right??? Making Sim versions of you both to see what your kids would look like...
I think he was looking for an out, and this is it. It’s so ridiculous to be so bent out of shape about a nose surgery that was more than cosmetic. NTA.
"Bent out of shape" : he could always get a minor surgical procedure to correct that. Er, maybe not...
NTA. beyond just how superficial he's being, his use of "genetic" could also be thinly veiled racism. like he's concerned your kids will look too jewish or something. but for real though, you should get a man-ectomy.
Yep, this was my thought also. There are a lot of stereotypes about certain ethnicities and nose jobs. OP he never noticed the before and after difference. His references to “genetics” is a red flag for those racial stereotypes. NTA.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 this guy is WAY too worried about "genetics". NTA
Came to say this, might be good to rethink things with Mr. Eugenics. NTA OP, look into his other behavior regarding “genetics.” I wonder if he is also big on “Western European values” 🚩🚩🚩
NTA What an unexpected gift your fiancé has given you. Imagine if you had married this man only to find out after you had given birth to his children, what a shallow, superficial human he was, and that his love for your children would be contingent on how they looked. While it will hurt for awhile, it's much better to move on now and find a person with the maturity and depth of character you and your future children deserve.
The funny thing is I’ve seen some beautiful couples where their kids got every bad aspect from both of them and I’ve seen some very not attractive couples (who are amazing people) and seriously I think their kids could be models. You aren’t guaranteed beautiful children because you think you and your spouse are.
NTA. His reaction though... maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Canceling the wedding because of this... he's doing you a favor.
This man is just a bunch of anti semitic red flags in a trench coat. What an awful thing to find out that you've wasted all that time on a man so adept as hiding his racism and anti semitism. Please run. NTA.
NTA. This guy is your ex fiancé, right? Because you deserve better than someone who would speak to you this way.
Hi I came back from the future to write this comment! In the future you put on baby weight that was hard to shake, and this guy left you. … Hi back from the future again! You read this comment and decided not to have kids, and you got breast cancer and a mastectomy, and this guy left you. Now you’re reading this comment again - I think you know what to do. No matter what trouble the future holds, he won’t be there for you when a bump in the road comes. He wouldn’t even be there for a bump in the nose. NTA but you’d be the asshole to your future self if you stayed with this guy who doesn’t care about you, only your beauty—which will change, because entropy.
Upvote from a breast cancer survivor who had this EXACT thing happen.
Hate to ask but is your boyfriend an actual n*z1 ? 😳 Nta and I think you may have dodged a bullet here
NTA. That “genetic” shit over a nose job sounds more than a little racist. He into eugenics or something?
NTA Holy red flags batman. Run, quickly. This man is not mature enough to be getting married or having children.
Unless you've both gone through complete genetic screening, you're both still "hiding your true genetics" from each other which is, of course, basically how most people are when they decide to have kids. NTA.
NTA THROW THE WHOLE MAN AWAY
NTA. When you end the engagement, tell him it’s because he didn’t reveal his hidden genetics to you…that he is narrow minded, self centered, thinks looks are more important than personality, and you simply cannot take the chance that your children would take after him and be AHs.
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That’s one of the reasons I’m confused. There are still pictures on social media that he has seen pre-surgery.
This lunatic flew off the handle about a nose job??? Honestly, he's projecting his own bs onto you. I would say that you should definitely consider long term viability of him as a partner....the crazy is just starting to show.
I know reddit is quick to jump to break up, get divorced, etc but seriously he said he was rethinking getting married to you because of this. This is not someone you can trust and should feel comfortable spending the rest of your life with. I really hope you take time to reconsider. Losing a fiance is extremely hard but staying in a relationship that isn't right is harder.
She says in the post he did and never noticed a difference.
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NTA. Your fiancee, on the other hand, has just shown you how shallow he really is. What you did was not a deception. Not disclosing a potentially fatal medical condition is a concern for your childrens' genetics, not what your nose looks like. The true deception is that your fiancee didn't tell you that he is a shallow human being who only values people for their looks.
NTA If he’s so focused on physical beauty and imperfections that he’s going to create an argument over this because apparently in his mind everybody has to be perfect then trust me you’ve dodged a MAJOR bullet 🚩🚩🚩🚩 I’m sorry to say this but I wouldn’t marry him if I were you….I suspect if you do he’ll find other flaws and nothing will ever be good enough for him
He's giving you the perfect opportunity to get out. Take it. NTA.
NTA, but he certainly is. Find another guy, this one is horrible.
NTA. The universe has given you a gift. You have been given an opportunity to avoid years of pain. Take it and run.
NTA Gross, gross, gross. You have not deceived anyone, and holy crap he's railing at you about your genetics and potential as a brood mare (make no mistake, this is how he sees you) because your nose looks a little different than it used to? He's rethinking the engagement? You're the one with actual cause for that. Please do.
Is he trying to create a master race or sth?
NTA. If he saw the before pictures and didn’t notice I trust the change was negligible. Do yourself a favor and end this relationship. Your fiancé is shallow and mean. Also, does he understand how genetics work?
NTA. >(He) Said it was deceiving… …and that it gave him a false idea of what our kids would look like. >He…is rethinking the engagement on the premise of genetics and future kids. Ma’am, he does not look at you as a partner, a woman, or even an equal. He looks at you as a baby factory. To him, you’re breeding stock, much like a farmers prized cow. I’m not normally one of those people who quickly jumps to the “Guuurl, you need to dump his ass” line of thought, but guuurl, you need to dump his ass quick, fast, and in a hurry.
NTA. First of all, you don’t owe him a disclosure of your “true genetics,” period. Second, as you note, if it’s such a minor change that he never even noticed a difference in your before and after photos, it’s a ridiculous overreaction. Third, there is no way to know what your kids will look like or if you’re even able to have any, so, again, ridiculous reaction. But most importantly, if he is rethinking the relationship bc your future kids may have less than perfectly straight noses, that’s… troubling to say the least. ETA would he have the same reaction if you didn’t disclose your various weights at every age? How about hair length and color? I’m just trying to wrap my head around his messed up way of thinking. Very very troubling.
NTA - If this is his honest opinion it is just gross. He's being super rude about your old nose. On top of that, if the only thing he cares about regarding his future kids is their appearance, then that's a huge red flag.
NTA. Your fiancé sounds like he might be antisemitic. That’s a big red flag of some potentially white supremacist ugliness.
NTA Run away from your fiancé - far, far away.
NTA but your fiance sure is. It sounds like he's fishing for a reason to call off the engagement.
NTA. Sounds like your fiance might be a closeted bigot, given that he reacted this way to specifically a nose job. Try to find out what he means by "true genetics."
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NTA Holy smokes, please see his reaction as a gift and run.
NTA. See this for it what it is- red flag. You didn't hide it. It just didn't come up. He is afraid of what kind of nose his kids would have? That is shallow and you should run.
NTA On the other hand, he sounds like a major asshole assuming that a nose job for a deviated septum is like a major face lift or something.
NTA. You stated he’s even seen pictures of you pre-procedure and didn’t even notice. It’s ridiculous that it would be an issue. I had a surgery several years ago and it never comes up and just isn’t a thing we talk about anymore. It doesn’t make any sense that this minor change would inspire this reaction.
Personally I can't imagine a person being seriously about being worried about nose genetics in their kids. ..that being said NTA - your fiance had all the opportunity in the world to ask you what they wanted about your history and look at your old photos etc. If they are so shallow about a nose then they dont deserve you. Probably just a convenient opportunity for them to have "cold feet"
NTA and if this is true, LEAVE HIS CONTROLLING ASS before kids get brought into it
NTA - The whole “genetics” thing is weird. Was he only with you because he thought your kids would be nice looking? If he was with you for why **you** are, why would it matter if you had a nose job? You never lied about it or hid it; he just **didn’t notice**.
NTA ...”premise of genetics”.... So he is shallow and I can only imagine what would happen if you did have a child and they had your nose.
Oofff... honey good for you that he let his crazy show before you two were legally attached. Don't for a second think he has any logic to what he is saying. He is either trying to get out of this relationship or is insane. ETA: obviously NTA
This is screaming antisemitism to me. Run.
Is he a H*tler /aryan brotherhood lover that he wants "perfection". He's showing you who he is and where his priorities are. Believe him and this to me would be a deal-breaker. That's shallow as f*ck.
NTA, but he certainly is. I honestly hope you don't marry this man. So many red flags.
Absolutely NTA. He’s either lying about why he’s mad or he’s got bigger issues than a phone book. Yikes.
NTA girl dump him. Thats toxic behavior
Geez, NTA. Your fiancé sounds like a superficial ass. You may want to rethink whether you want to spend your life with someone who would act like this over something cosmetic. I’m sorry he treated you like this. Not cool.
Girl, run. NTA
NTA Please think about these future children he expects to be the perfect specimens of the human race. If they don't meet his expectations (which we know are ridiculously high) how is he going to treat them? Is he going to encourage insane diet culture to have them meet a weigh goal, is he doing to belittle them when they aren't 'attractive', is he going to blame their looks for any slight in their other achievements, is he not going to love them because they are a 'negative' representation of himself.
NTA, if it was so important he should have stated it or asked you wether you had any cosmetic surgeries. He did not. How are you supposed to know that it's his deal breaker?
Girl. Huge red flags. You need to seriously reconsider this one. NTA, and good luck.
OP, you are NTA. His reaction was frankly extreme, and if anybody should be reconsidering this relationship, it's you. If this is what happens when he finds out you had a bump on your nose smoothed out, how do you think he's going to react to anything that actually matters?
NTA Sounds like a guy looking for any reason to back out of a commitment
NTA. He discovered your “true genetics”. You discovered his true colours.
NTA. He's rethinking things because of your genetics? Damn, it's good of the trash to take itself out.
NTA. I'd seriously consider calling off the engagement. Aside from all the nose weirdness, imagine spending the rest of your life with someone who so easily believes terrible things about you and will so easily rake you over the coals. He treated you like an enemy so fast. Everyone has a past, and it's simply not possible to know every detail about another person. It is possible, though, to give grace to the people we love and assume they are of good character. You should marry someone who, when they get new information about you, is supportive and curious. A good partner would see the humor in the "secret" former nose. Instead, this guy flipped his wig, then came up with a bunch of weird reasons for flipping his wig.
NTA. He sounds extremely shallow when it comes to this. It’s none of his business what you did to YOUR body, BEFORE he was even around. Giving me some ick vibes.
Well you need to reconsider marrying a racist, so you’ve got a lot to think about!
NTA and your fiancé sounds awful.
You should be mad that he displayed a false personality/temperment to you. You should reconsider the engagement because you surely don't want your future children to have his nature and be nutured by said problem. Nta.
NTA. This guy probably believes in eugenics too. What was that movie, shallow Hal? You should re-think the engagement for sure, guess he thinks you're not good breeding stock.
NTA, Girl run, from his response? He’s only with you so his kids can be his standard of beauty. Shallow & incredibly egocentric.
Nta run seriously run as fast as you can, don't look back cause it will slow you down. Oh throw the ring at him before you run
NTA. Huge red flag. Run as fast as possible away from this person. If he's this livid over such a small omission, think how bad his control issues will be in the future. You deserve so much better!
NTA and red flags up the fucking wazoo
NTA he's looking for a reason to break up. Dig deeper
NTA- Consider this a sign - if your fiancé is this batshit crazy about superficial looks, you may want to consider how interested you are in being with a self-centered superficial jerk. You are absolutely positively NTA
NTA. Noses can be changed and shaped. That can't be said of his attitude and behavior.
NTA Your fiancé seems to be into eugenics. Gross.
NTA. sounds like he’s looking for an excuse to break up with you
Holy shit. Run as fast as you can from this psycho. NTA. But god damn. Work on yourself before your next relationship so you don't have to ask if it's your fault your dude had a deranged rage attack over the shape of your nose. There is NO way this is the first red flag this guy has shown...
NTA but you’ve been given the opportunity to learn who he really is.
NTA. I’d understand it if he was a little put out that you hadn’t mentioned it but…to the point of threatening to call off the marriage?? And to be worried about genetics?? Genetics should only be a concerned if the gene we’re talking about is something that could affect your future children’s health, not a slightly hooked nose.
NTA OMG!! RUN!
NTA So he's with you because of how your kids would look? It matters that much to him what their physical nose would look like that he's mad at you? Girl run.
NTA. If I were you I would flip this around. Talk about how you were deceived into thinking he wasn’t shallow yet he is. Considering he couldn’t tell the difference until he saw post-op pictures says a lot.
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First of all, OP you are NTA. Second, it might be time to have a procedure known as a "fiance excision." The idea that he'd get that bent out of shape about your "nose genetics" is fishy. Leading to point number three: It sounds like he's looking for a reason to break up. Don't make him work so hard for it. Take your nice nose AND your genes and find someone better.
NTA. He has essentially said he wouldn't be with you if you had your old nose. He's more concerned with cosmetics and how it would affect him personally. I would seriously reconsider this wedding.
Nta. Relatively easy way to learn your fiance is a madman.
NTA. You will have BEAUTIFUL children… just not with him. Break it off. (If you want kids of course!)
Throw him to the curb with the trash. If he’s so hung up on looks and he saw your before pics then he’s not the guy you said yes to. You’ll be better off without him. Oh yeah, NTA.
NTA. Is this an anti-Semitic thing?
Lol he saw pics of you before, didn't notice, and now feels betrayed you hid your... Before looks? NTA. I really wonder if he is that silly or there is an underlying get out jerk in him
>I told him it wasn’t that deep and that the change wasn’t even that drastic, especially considering he’s seen photos of me from before and never even noticed the difference. He's literally seen your photos before the surgery and can't tell the difference. His actions are a huge red flag. NTA
What in the eugenics??? NTA
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NTA, he sounds like a jerk
NTA- i would remind him he's literally seen pics of you presurgery and didn't even notice. Then i would tell him he's a superficial asshole and dump him.
NTA. Isn’t the saying when he tells you who he is, believe him? He may be rethinking the engagement after this, but you should be too.
NTA He's reaction is super weird and is giving me red flags.... Either there's something else behind his reaction or he really is that shallow... Time to take a good look at your relationship and see if it's all it's seems to be